July 20, 2011 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:20:19
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Yeah. | ||
| Hey, everybody! | ||
| The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by The Fleshlight. | ||
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| Buckle up, bitches. | ||
| Tom Segura's in the house. | ||
|
unidentified
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Holla! | |
| All my girls back. | ||
| Shazam, bitches. | ||
| Welcome back. | ||
| What's up, brother? | ||
| What's up, man? | ||
| It's good to have you, buddy. | ||
| Thanks for having me, man. | ||
| We're going to be doing the Ice House in Pasadena this weekend. | ||
| It's a fun place, man. | ||
| That's one of those old school places. | ||
| I think they've been open for 30 years now or something crazy. | ||
| Yeah, they've been open over... | ||
| I think... | ||
| Don't they claim to be the oldest comedy club in the nation? | ||
| I think they might be. | ||
| It's them and then the Comedy and Magic Club is right up in there, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then the store, I think. | ||
| But if you go there, it's one of those places that has... | ||
| It's like a fucking comedy museum as well as a stand-up comedy club. | ||
| Really cool. | ||
| That's the coolest part. | ||
| Yeah, because you're walking around and you see headshots. | ||
| From like the 70s, man. | ||
| Headshots from the 80s. | ||
| And contracts. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I saw a David Letterman contract last time I was there. | ||
| And his Social Security number is on it, but it's covered by the frame. | ||
| And I'm like, damn, if you really wanted David Letterman's Social Security number, you'd just steal this picture and break that frame. | ||
| You just gave somebody an idea. | ||
| Why'd you give somebody that idea? | ||
| How about you bring that up to us before the podcast, then we say, yeah, maybe we shouldn't talk about that on the air. | ||
| And you go, yeah, I guess you're right. | ||
| Whoops. | ||
| Now you've got to talk to the eyes out. | ||
| I'll be there tomorrow night. | ||
| Tickets on sale, free coupon code on my Twitter. | ||
| They have other contacts, too. | ||
| They didn't alter it at all? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| They might have, but I was looking at it and I was like, holy shit, why is that just sitting there? | ||
| That seems like they would know that by now, you know? | ||
| It has to be altered. | ||
| Yeah, it must be altered. | ||
| I would assume. | ||
| Hopefully. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Unless I'm just a crook looking at fucking headshots and I'm like, wow. | ||
| They busted a bunch of those anonymous cats, huh? | ||
| Yeah, a shitload of them. | ||
| Some in California, too. | ||
| And what do they charge them with? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That's like cyber terrorism or something like that. | ||
|
unidentified
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Is that what it is? | |
| Yeah, that's hardcore federal shit. | ||
| What did they do exactly? | ||
| I know they went after companies they thought were bad. | ||
| They hacked PayPal, I think they did, or they fucked with PayPal somehow. | ||
| I can't remember. | ||
| taking people's pay pals and like buying things on amazon like it was all fun stuff like they would buy like diapers to an old person or something like that and uh things like that but it was hacking paypal which i guess could be considered like a bank or something like that so that would be a federal crime i would imagine yeah they're fucked huh yeah you get in real trouble for that It's terrorism. | ||
| Do you remember they used to not have laws for this stuff? | ||
| When people would do things like this for the first time, and people would get like, we don't really have a law yet for breaking into this type of account, because they didn't know this shit existed. | ||
| So they had to pass all these laws. | ||
| We still have to pass laws for new crimes. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Technology allows for new crimes to take place. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Crimes that didn't exist before. | ||
| They weren't possible before. | ||
| You remember when they first started using those things over the phone? | ||
| Where they would have tones that you could call and use over the phone and it would like hack the phones? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What the fuck was that? | ||
| Yeah, how did that work? | ||
| I can't even remember. | ||
| This is something you could do to a phone by sending a tone through it. | ||
| And that certain tone would interact with the machine on the other side. | ||
| And I don't know what the fuck it allowed you to do. | ||
| But just the fact that somebody figured that out, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| People are so creepy. | ||
| They'll try to exploit every little, you know, in any little system. | ||
| There's got to be some way to make money off this. | ||
| That's why security never becomes foolproof. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When you develop a new security system, it becomes someone's mission to break that. | ||
| So then you just make it as good as it can be, and then you have to evolve that. | ||
| You kind of need those guys, though, because if you don't have those guys, you don't have any realistic sense of how secure your data is. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You need some fucking psychos going after your shit. | ||
| If psychos go after your website, then you know. | ||
| Then you know. | ||
| Because you can't just have your employees, well, we're going to test it from the outside and see if we can whack in. | ||
| Nah, you don't have enough motivation, stupid. | ||
| You need to be hating the government. | ||
| Did you tweet that article about the guy who is going to prison now for life or something? | ||
| For hacking his neighbors? | ||
| Yeah, he's going for 18 years. | ||
| Well, he was terrorizing the family. | ||
| That was an amazing person. | ||
| Horrible story. | ||
| You hear shit about that? | ||
| You realize that somebody can just do that? | ||
| That's terrifying. | ||
| I think as a business, the only way to protect yourself from these hacks, like Anonymous and stuff like that, is just to have a shitload of cats on your website. | ||
| You know, so if it's like Wells Fargo Bank, just put cats all over the place. | ||
| Because I think that's how crazy this shit is, like this anonymous and stuff is. | ||
| It seems like they're only attacking people unless you don't get the internet, you know? | ||
| It's almost like, hey, if you like cats and if you like piracy and torrents and shit like that, then you're on our side. | ||
| But it's almost like it's like a gang, like an internet gang, you know? | ||
| What are you saying? | ||
| I don't understand what you're saying. | ||
| It's connections to 4chan, as an example, and things like that. | ||
| Even if they're not in 4chan or whatever. | ||
| 4chan supports them, they support 4chan. | ||
| Yeah, and then Louis Sack supports Anonymous. | ||
| It's almost like you just almost have to be in some kind of gang and just have a lot of cats on your website, I think, to protect you. | ||
| What is the cats on the website? | ||
| Just because that's like saying, hey, I'm on the internet too. | ||
| I like cats and hamburgers. | ||
| What the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| You really need to go to a doctor. | ||
| If you think anything in that sentence has been any sentence, you need to go to a doctor. | ||
| I did not follow. | ||
| Alright, you want me to explain it? | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| Definitely not. | ||
| Definitely not. | ||
| No, let's move on from that. | ||
| What the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| Fucking cats. | ||
| The thing, the best thing... | ||
| I know what you're saying, though, that it seems like they're in kind of a gang. | ||
| And it does seem like... | ||
| Sorry, I honestly didn't follow. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| You know the internet. | ||
| What's popular on the internet? | ||
| Cats. | ||
| Cats and shit like that. | ||
| Are cats really that popular on the internet? | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| It's porn, cats... | ||
| Really? | ||
| Is this what happened to Egypt when Egypt went down and saw that cat worship? | ||
| Are they going to look at us the same way? | ||
| Maybe this is what cat worship is. | ||
| If you looked around people's fucking houses, your cat, your thing that you have with the cat with the dynamite on it, that lucky cat, think about how many porcelain cats are all throughout people's homes. | ||
| Tons. | ||
| There's a lot of them. | ||
| There's a lot. | ||
| If archaeologists came here from the future, they might say, well, there were this weird cat-worshipping group of fucking non-environmentally conscious freaks. | ||
| Yeah, cats were running shit. | ||
| And then they would find out about the toxoplasma shit, and they would make some half-ass hypothesis that the reason why we were so fascinated with cats is we all had toxo. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| And that's what made us all go crazy. | ||
| Do you think that we, wrong, like, inaccurately... | ||
| Get an idea of past civilizations. | ||
| I think they have to. | ||
| You have to be, right? | ||
| Where you're like, here's what they used to do. | ||
| What fucks my mind, man? | ||
| 40,000 years ago. | ||
| What fucks my mind is shit like Sumer. | ||
| Because there's only a fucking handful of people who can read that shit. | ||
| That's cuneiform, I think it's called. | ||
| And it's these weird lines. | ||
| And man, it takes forever to translate that shit. | ||
| And there's a lot of discrepancies. | ||
| That's why that whole Zechariah Sitchin movement, if you're not aware of that. | ||
| You know the Zechariah Sitchin shit, right? | ||
| He believes that in his study of the Sumerian text. | ||
| This guy was like a legit scholar on ancient languages. | ||
| And he believed that through his study of the ancient Sumerian text, he believed that it was a detailed account of how human beings were created by an advanced intellect called the Anunnaki, and that they mixed their DNA with us. | ||
| And he says this is all in this ancient text, and it's very disputed. | ||
| There's a lot of people that don't agree with him, a lot of Like mainstream, you know, scholars from that era, they don't agree with him, but this guy stuck to his fucking guns, and he believed that the entire human race was created by these, you know, these things called the Anunnaki. | ||
| This is all written down. | ||
| What really fucks my mind is whether or not that's what they wrote down or who knows what crazy person wrote whatever you're reading. | ||
| What you're reading doesn't necessarily represent the whole world. | ||
| What if you stumbled onto a pile of ancient Stephen King books? | ||
| Who the fuck knows? | ||
| Who the fuck knows what exactly you're reading? | ||
| It fucks my mind that you can go that far back with people. | ||
| It's like you can really trace progress, but things get lost somewhere along the way. | ||
| And there's a few places where it's like, they'll just stumble on some shit and go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. | ||
| Where'd this come from? | ||
| Troy? | ||
| You mean Troy is real? | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| This is a real city? | ||
|
unidentified
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What the fuck? | |
| Now, recently Atlantis, they found Atlantis in Spain. | ||
| They're almost positive. | ||
| It has the concentric rings. | ||
| It looks just like it. | ||
| It's in the right area. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's also... | ||
| There's also some interesting evidence that there was models of Atlantis that resembled this place, and they had been passed down, and the images so closely matched and had all these symbols in it that represented symbols of Atlantis. | ||
| It's just way too close. | ||
| A lot of scholars are getting on board with this. | ||
| They think they found it. | ||
| So it's like so much shit. | ||
| They're always finding ancient shit. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| The civilization has gone so fucking far, but we can't really follow it in a straight line. | ||
| No, especially before a certain time. | ||
| Yeah, when you get 2000 BC, oh man, son, how long ago is that? | ||
| You notice too that when those things get really old ones, they're like, this is a civilization that's 40,000 years old, and they'll read something on the wall. | ||
| They never take into account the possibility That it's art. | ||
| They're like, this is like documentation showing that they loved whales and that they would fuck here and talk to the sun here and then eat the whale. | ||
| This is what they did in their day. | ||
| And you go, what if it was just somebody... | ||
| Painting or drawing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's never really a possibility. | ||
| Well, when human beings first figured out how to communicate, for sure, right away they started lying. | ||
| Right away. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I mean, as soon as they realized they could lie and get away with things, and then you don't get in trouble for stuff, people just started lying. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| It has to be old as fuck. | ||
| It seems like just an inherent escape door in consciousness. | ||
| The ability to communicate, but then... | ||
| Give deceptive communication and fuck with other people. | ||
| So from right away, people were probably untrustworthy. | ||
| And especially in their depictions of the past. | ||
| Especially when they talk about things that happened. | ||
| I mean, Jesus Christ. | ||
| Everybody knows that the winners write the history books. | ||
| And back then, the history books were written on animal skins. | ||
| Who the fuck knows what really happened? | ||
| You know, it's like, it's very shady at best. | ||
| And you don't, you never portray yourself really in a negative life. | ||
| Never. | ||
| Shameful. | ||
| Yeah, no one's a bad guy. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| Yeah, but it's you. | ||
| I mean, it's, I mean, that's, of course, there's, you know, different cultures and they have different depictions of the same story and you can kind of extrapolate from all those who's probably got it right. | ||
| But it's a lot of gray area, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're talking about, you know, thousands and thousands of years ago. | ||
| And then they constantly have to move the date. | ||
| They found that place in Turkey recently over the last decade or so, I believe. | ||
| It's called Gobekli Tepe and it predates anything by like 5,000 years. | ||
| It's like 12,000, 13,000 years old. | ||
| And they're like, fuck! | ||
| We didn't even think people were making shit back then. | ||
| They thought that back then people were just strictly hunter-gatherers. | ||
| So there's all sorts of like... | ||
| And they don't know anything about that culture. | ||
| They're like, what is this? | ||
| Why do they have lizards on these rocks that they've carved out? | ||
| They have these giant columns with lizards on them. | ||
| This one's got a sheep on it. | ||
| What the fuck were they doing? | ||
| Is this all the stuff they eat? | ||
| What is this? | ||
| The lines of Nazca. | ||
| Have you ever seen those? | ||
| Dude. | ||
| Those are amazing. | ||
| That's a trip. | ||
| And they're so enormous. | ||
| I know this is obviously what everyone says about it, but it really blows your mind when you think about it. | ||
| The only way you can see what you're doing is if you're in the air. | ||
| There's no other way to see... | ||
| How well you did this. | ||
| And these things are so old that, like, how could you check it out? | ||
| I mean, the lines are as wide as roads. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Roads. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wide. | ||
| With turns. | ||
|
unidentified
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Perfect. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Perfect lines. | ||
| The only way, like, you see crop, like, they do it on farms, right? | ||
| Like, they'll do, like, fun things. | ||
| But the only way they're seeing what they're doing is somebody's in a plane and radioing, like, now here. | ||
| Drive six yards. | ||
| Well, the guys who make the crop circles don't have to do that. | ||
| The guys who make the crop circles... | ||
| is they just mark some numbers down. | ||
| They figure out distances. | ||
| They call themselves the circle makers. | ||
| And they've shown that you can make certain pretty intricate crop circles. | ||
| But what's amazing about this is that we know that there's air flight now. | ||
| We know... | ||
| That people are going to see these crop circles. | ||
| I mean, if people made these things for fun or for hijinks, if that's why they're making these crop circles, these beautiful designs, just to make people go, whoa, what the fuck? | ||
| We know that people are going to see them from a plane. | ||
| So the idea that these can only be seen from the sky, it's like, who are you making them for? | ||
| And the fact that they're thousands and thousands of years old, it's the point where they don't really know exactly. | ||
| Do we not even know exactly? | ||
| They don't really know. | ||
| No, they don't know why. | ||
| They don't know who. | ||
| They don't know what it symbolizes. | ||
| They don't know if the fucking mountain was flattened out, by the way. | ||
| Do you know there's an area where the Nazca lines is? | ||
| That it looks like it was fucking excavated. | ||
| It looks like it was flattened out. | ||
| It looks like it was sculpted. | ||
| It looks like it was worked on by machines. | ||
| I don't know if it was, but I wouldn't be fucking completely surprised that there wasn't Some very sophisticated level of humanity at one point in time that died off and dropped back. | ||
| I don't know if they were ever as far as we were, but who knows, man? | ||
| When you see shit like that, there might have been some people flying fucking planes three or four thousand years ago. | ||
| That might have been real. | ||
| That could be. | ||
| It might be. | ||
| It might be. | ||
| It's fucking... | ||
| Why else would they draw those things, man? | ||
| Why would they do that? | ||
| They're incredible. | ||
| They're giant. | ||
| Massive, and yeah, it's what's the purpose. | ||
| Those are from the sky. | ||
| You're supposed to look at it from the sky. | ||
| You know, you're doing it just for the satisfaction of knowing that someone can look at it from the sky. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And this is going to be like a common practice in a place where it looks like there's runways. | ||
| And it's also, it's not only you get to see from the sky, it's out of the way in the sky. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, that shit is way out of the way. | ||
| Maybe back then, though, you didn't really understand life. | ||
| So you were like, I know there's something up there that it storms on us. | ||
| We have heard thunder. | ||
| I am going to make a sign to appease to the god that So you might be not like a plane, but it's more like a ritual, like an offering. | ||
| That's definitely a real possibility. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Sure, that's possible. | ||
| The thing that you have to consider more is the straight lines. | ||
| They look like runways. | ||
| They're all over the place up there. | ||
| Huge. | ||
| It looks like goddamn Logan Airport. | ||
| That's what it looks like. | ||
| It looks like an airport. | ||
| There's all these runways. | ||
| What's those big statues that were big rectangles that had their mouths open and they had like, you know what I'm talking about? | ||
| And they used it in the Gradius video game. | ||
| They're on an island. | ||
| Oh, the East Ireland? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Oh, that's a trip too. | ||
| Yeah, that's, I mean. | ||
| That shit's awesome. | ||
| They really, they struggled to figure out how they moved those stones thousands and thousands of years ago, how they cut them so well. | ||
| Machu Picchu's like that too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Those stones are no shit the size of the wall behind you, and they lay into another stone like this. | ||
| You can't slide a piece of paper between them. | ||
| You look at these boulders, basically. | ||
| They're smooth. | ||
| They're shaped. | ||
| They're massive, so you go, this would take... | ||
| Hundreds of people, and then how would you get it to fit into the next rock, where it looks like they're made for each other? | ||
| It's unbelievable. | ||
| It's pretty deep shit. | ||
| Yeah, and you see how it lasts. | ||
| I've been there. | ||
| I've been there three times to that place, to Machu Picchu. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is it a cool trip? | ||
| Would you recommend going as a vacation? | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Did it blow your mind? | ||
| Every time. | ||
| Every time. | ||
| What is it like? | ||
| What does it feel like when you're up there? | ||
| First of all, isn't it like 10,000 feet above sea level or something crazy? | ||
| I don't think it's that high up. | ||
| I mean, it's in the Andes. | ||
| You fly to... | ||
| To Cusco in the south of Peru. | ||
| And then you take a train from Cusco to... | ||
| By the way, if I was a single girl and you were telling me all this, I'd be so attracted to you right now. | ||
| I'd be like, he's the man of the world. | ||
| He's been to Machu Picchu. | ||
| He's so amazing. | ||
| I think I can get him to go vegan. | ||
| I highly recommend a Merlot. | ||
| And then I'd be like, I jerked off to fart porn. | ||
| 7,900 feet above sea level. | ||
| That's where it is. | ||
| It's pretty high up, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And... | ||
| They have no idea how old that shit is either, right? | ||
| They have estimations for that. | ||
| I mean, it was definitely discovered by... | ||
| I think they said that they were there in the 1560s, they think it was built. | ||
| I think it was 1560s. | ||
| You know, that's one of those disputed ones with that Graham Hancock guy. | ||
| And I know a lot of people are like, this is pseudoscience. | ||
| He's the guy that predates all these structures. | ||
| He's got a thing on the Great Spinks with this other guy, Dr. Robert Schock out of Boston University. | ||
| And they think that the Sphinx is like thousands and thousands of years older than everybody thinks it is. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Then conventional Egyptologists claim it is. | ||
| Well, he's also got a thing about Machu Picchu, that they think at one time Machu Picchu was actually on the shores of some water. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, that it was on the shores of a river or the shores of a lake or an ocean or something like that. | ||
| It is stunning. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| The thing is, it really puts in... | ||
| This is true about everything, that the magnitude and the greatness of something... | ||
| You can't measure it. | ||
| It doesn't matter how many videos or photos you see. | ||
|
unidentified
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You have to see it. | |
| I mean, it's like seeing a band live or seeing a person who just has some... | ||
| Seeing Tom Cigar at the Ice House this weekend. | ||
| At the Ice House. | ||
| Friday and Saturday night. | ||
| Two shows. | ||
| Sold out both nights, bitches. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| Did you tag the statues? | ||
| What's that? | ||
| Did you tag the statues? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I dare you even suggest it. | ||
|
unidentified
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Did anybody ever dare put graffiti on those things? | |
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| Have you seen graffiti? | ||
| Have you seen graffiti? | ||
|
unidentified
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No. | |
| That's cool. | ||
| Yeah, dude, that's like a sacred place. | ||
| That would be awful if you would not leave there. | ||
| So tell us the story. | ||
| I'm sorry, I'm making fun of you being so attractive with your knowledge. | ||
| You get in a bus or a train, and you get somewhere. | ||
| So how does it go? | ||
| Yeah, well, you fly in a Cusco, which is way up in the mountains. | ||
| And this is all in Peru. | ||
| In Peru, yeah. | ||
| So, when you arrive in Cusco, you're up high already. | ||
| Cusco is pretty high up in the mountains, and you get, like, powerful headaches. | ||
| You know, headaches you get in, like, high-altitude places. | ||
| But I'm pretty sure it's higher than, like... | ||
| You know, Tahoe or any place like that where you're like, oh man, like a head hurts because you have serious oxygen deprivation. | ||
| And in Peru, they chew coca leaves and they drink coca tea, the tea, the leaves that are used to make cocaine. | ||
| I had that shit. | ||
| Mate de coco? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I did not like it. | ||
| I've never done cocaine. | ||
| I've always been terrified of it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I knew that people, when they did coke, they couldn't shut the fuck up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So I drank this tea, and I couldn't shut the fuck up. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And I was saying that. | ||
| I was with Doug Stanhope. | ||
| And I was telling him, like, dude, I can't shut the fuck up. | ||
| I go, I literally can't shut the fuck up. | ||
| Can you imagine him on cocaine? | ||
| That seems insane, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
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Please. | |
| I would love to have a video of you on cocaine. | ||
| That is not for me. | ||
| He would be fired up, dude. | ||
| I don't think I want to know that that's even possible. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| I don't want to be any more intense than I am. | ||
| I'm good. | ||
| I don't need that shit. | ||
| That's a horror movie right there. | ||
| Joe Rogan on cocaine. | ||
| This summer, he turns into... | ||
| And doing your act. | ||
| Doing stand-up. | ||
| On cocaine? | ||
| Oh, just all angry and fucking like a punk rock. | ||
| And somebody heckles you and you just fucking... | ||
| Shut the fuck up! | ||
| Throw the mic down. | ||
| You're like Ron Artest. | ||
| You just jump out in the stands and start beating somebody. | ||
| Are you accusing Ron Artest of doing cocaine? | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Strong words. | ||
| You know what Joe Rogan on cocaine would look like? | ||
| What's up, Ron? | ||
| What's up, Ron? | ||
| Get at me. | ||
| Put me on your show. | ||
| Joe Rogan on cocaine would look like that Rise of the Planet Apes trailer that you haven't seen yet. | ||
| Oh, I have seen that. | ||
| Isn't that fucking insane? | ||
| When you said a monkey movie, I thought you meant a documentary. | ||
| No. | ||
| Rise of the Planet of the Apes looks like the shit. | ||
| It's fucking amazing. | ||
| August 5th, bitches. | ||
|
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When that one jumps out of a helicopter or something. | |
| I'm a little child, bro. | ||
| I'll take Planet of the Apes. | ||
| You can redo that shit for me every two years. | ||
| I'm a dummy. | ||
| You can have a new script where I know what's going to happen every couple of years and you got me. | ||
| I'm just going to tell you right now. | ||
| I commit myself to all you people making Planet of the Apes movies. | ||
| I commit myself. | ||
| Come out with a new one every two years and you got me. | ||
| I promise you. | ||
| I will buy the Blu-ray. | ||
| I will support you. | ||
| I will talk about how good it is on Twitter. | ||
| Please, keep coming with the Crazy Monkey movies. | ||
| Crazy Monkey movies are good. | ||
| They're the shit, dude. | ||
| This one, so it looks like the researchers are fucking with apes, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they break out and... | ||
| Well, this is sort of what's supposed to be the prequel to Planet of the Apes. | ||
| This is what caused the problems. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| You know, the idea of Planet of the Apes is a guy goes to the future, right? | ||
|
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Yeah. | |
| And he lands in the future and they're... | ||
| The world's run by monkeys. | ||
| What do you think about the CGI? It's fucking incredible. | ||
| Yeah, now it does have that little fake look. | ||
| A little bit. | ||
| It's still got a little bit of that I Am Legend shit going on when you look in their faces. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They don't quite have it, man. | ||
| It's interesting that they can't do living things quite right. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I wonder if there's going to be any heartwarming moments. | ||
| It seems like there's going to be some heartwarming moments. | ||
| Let me tell you something. | ||
| If you saw a chimp that looked at you like this chimp, you would start screaming. | ||
| The fact that they were all cool with that, that's just weird. | ||
| If you saw that chimp, that chimp would be a huge internet hit. | ||
| Oh, I didn't know Dexter Morgan was in this. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I haven't seen this one. | ||
| This is a badass preview. | ||
| Jonathan Lithgow and a... | ||
| Yeah, this is the full one. | ||
| This shows you where they fucked up. | ||
| They raised a chimp. | ||
| That was their little buddy. | ||
| Then they locked him up in a jail. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| So it's got a good fucking comeback sense to it. | ||
| You root for the chimps. | ||
| You realize what cunts human beings are, and you root for the chimps. | ||
| Is that the logline for the movie? | ||
| Yes, that's the way I'm promoting it. | ||
| I'm promoting it on sort of a separate underground label sort of division of the movie. | ||
| This is what we do now. | ||
| We sort of do shit behind the scenes. | ||
| That's how you promote it. | ||
| That's exciting, man. | ||
| Fuck these cunt people. | ||
| That's our promotion. | ||
| This is one of the most amazing trailers I've ever seen, too. | ||
| He is intense. | ||
|
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Look at this shit. | |
| The last thing you ever want is a chimp coming at you, man. | ||
| That is the last thing you ever want. | ||
| You're almost better off with a lion, because a lion's just going to kill you quick. | ||
| Chimps are going to do some shit to you before you die. | ||
| Bite your fingers off. | ||
| They're not trying to kill you. | ||
| They're trying to hurt you. | ||
| They understand what makes you a person and they don't have morals. | ||
| They understand what's important to you. | ||
| They understand your genitals mean a lot to you. | ||
| So they bite those off. | ||
| They understand that your fingers are important for you to use and to make things. | ||
| So they bite all those off next. | ||
| And they do all this without you being able to do a goddamn thing to stop it. | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| Because they're so fucking strong. | ||
| And once they bite one finger off, dude, you're going to be freaking out. | ||
| You're going to be in shock. | ||
| You're not going to be able to handle it. | ||
| For him, it's another day in the park. | ||
| He's been biting fingers off since he was two. | ||
| Someone steps to him wrong, he bites a couple of fingers off. | ||
| That's just what they do. | ||
| And strong everything. | ||
| You can't even wrap your head around how strong a chimp is, dude. | ||
| We had a two-year-old chimp on the set of news radio. | ||
| A two-year-old. | ||
| A little baby-ass chimp. | ||
| This thing was on my back and it swatted me in the back a couple of times. | ||
| And I swear to God, I got nervous. | ||
| It made me nervous. | ||
| Because I was thinking, like, what if a cat wanted to kill me? | ||
| You know, if a cat wanted to kill me, that's terrifying, right? | ||
| Cats are, you know, I mean, even though they're little, like that fucking crazy thing coming at you, trying to kill you, that would be terrifying, you know? | ||
| And you're way, way bigger than a cat. | ||
| And I was thinking, how much bigger is this chimp than a cat? | ||
| And if this chimp decided to just fuck me up, I'm not really sure I could defend myself. | ||
| He's a two-year-old chimp, and I'm not really sure that I would get off. | ||
| And then I thought about it. | ||
| And I think, my God, what must it be like when they're like 150 pounds? | ||
| It must be unbelievable. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The amount of force they can generate with their bodies must be just shocking. | ||
| They can rip car doors off their hinges. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You can lock a car door. | ||
| And they can just open it. | ||
| They can open that door. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| Fuck that, right? | ||
|
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Dude. | |
| That lady, they tore with their hands, they tore her jaw out of her face. | ||
| Her lower jaw came out, you know? | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| God damn. | ||
| That's, yeah. | ||
| They're scary, scary fucking creatures. | ||
| It's so funny that we always want to, like, look at them like they're real cute, too. | ||
| Like, B.J. McKay, and this is my best friend, Bear. | ||
| Smoky and the Bandit was the best growing up. | ||
| Smoky and the Bandit have a monkey? | ||
| Wait. | ||
| What was the one with the monkey? | ||
| No, Clint Eastwood. | ||
| Clint Eastwood had an orangutan, Every Which Way But Loose. | ||
| Yeah, that's the one. | ||
| This motherfucker has no idea what he's talking about. | ||
| Yeah, some of the best moments of my childhood. | ||
| It was that guy with the monkey. | ||
| Which one? | ||
| Oh yeah, Clint Eastwood. | ||
| Oh yeah, Burt Reynolds? | ||
| It was like five. | ||
| They all came out at the same time. | ||
| There was like that car chase movie, then there was Clint Eastwood. | ||
| How many people had monkeys? | ||
| I think every movie in that time period had a monkey, it seemed like. | ||
| That was a strong move by Clint Eastwood to go from spaghetti westerns to the badass bare-knuckle fistfighter with a monkey as a pet. | ||
| With an orangutan. | ||
| Those movies were great, man. | ||
| Every Which Way But Loose, they were great fucking movies, man. | ||
| And what's even more fascinating about those movies is that's when he was still married to that woman. | ||
| Sandra Locke, the woman who would go on to sue him and he had to get her some sort of a deal to get out of the relationship. | ||
|
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|
Clint Eastwood? | |
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| He had to go to some sort of a deal with a production company as a part of their divorce, and he did, and then she accused him of sabotaging her projects, and it was obvious that this guy fucked up. | ||
| Poor Clint Eastwood married this crazy broad, and was with her for years, and she's an actress, and when they broke up, man, she just fucking went after him. | ||
| And, you know, you got to see the nastiness that can, you know, happen. | ||
| And those sort of, like, really public divorces between two fucking movie stars at the time. | ||
| I mean, she never really worked again after that. | ||
| Not much. | ||
| I mean, not of that level. | ||
| But she was in a lot of Clint Eastwood's movies. | ||
| And the amount of money that exchanges hands in a divorce like that, too. | ||
|
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Oh! | |
| Man. | ||
| That's a lot of dough. | ||
| So you got to see him with her back in the day. | ||
| That's when he was still with her. | ||
| And I was like, wow, how weird is this? | ||
| This dude carried this chick around in a bunch of movies. | ||
| How many movies did Clint Eastwood do with Sandra Locke? | ||
| How many? | ||
| It was a western, right? | ||
| Wasn't there one western? | ||
| And then there was Every Which Way But Loose, right? | ||
| Or one of those, Any Which Way You Can. | ||
| Which one was it? | ||
| Was it both of them? | ||
| Was it all of them? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Was it She and all of them? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's fascinating. | ||
| It is fascinating. | ||
| You forget, too, like, you know, we always, like, they always talk about who makes, like, crazy money in movies, and so if they're like, you know, so-and-so, like, got a $100 million divorce, and they're like, who is it? | ||
| And, like, Tom Cruise, you're like, yeah, well, that dude's, like, super, like, he's a money-making machine. | ||
| But then, like, Morgan Freeman, who you're like, yeah, Morgan Freeman, he's a great actor, he's been in a lot of movies, he got divorced, and I think he gave, I want to say, like, over $70 million. | ||
| So you're like, holy shit! | ||
| How much fucking money does Morgan Freeman have? | ||
| Well, you know Morgan Freeman's deal, right? | ||
| No. | ||
| Morgan Freeman is apparently banging his non... | ||
| It's his grandmother... | ||
| Granddaughter... | ||
| From his ex-wife's side, who he's not related to by blood. | ||
|
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|
Uh-uh. | |
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Good for him. | ||
| Something super creepy like that. | ||
| That's creepy. | ||
| And he started taking her to events and introducing her as his granddaughter. | ||
| Oh, that's creepy. | ||
| And then somewhere along the line, it came out that he was banging her. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And everybody's like, what the fuck? | ||
| You're so good in an actor, Morgan Freeman. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Maybe he was stoned and he thinks it's really funny. | ||
| Maybe he's still stoned right now, you mean? | ||
| Listen, here's what the deal is. | ||
| He's like, what, 70 years old? | ||
| Yeah, I think so, at least. | ||
| 25-year-old pussy is so powerful. | ||
| It will get you to abandon your morals, your idea. | ||
| You will rationalize the shit out of this. | ||
| Yeah, I've known her since she was a baby, but we're not related by blood. | ||
| Yeah, that's crazy. | ||
| Maybe they never even met. | ||
| That's what pussy does. | ||
| That pussy was so good because he's an old, old man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, and she's young and tight and she's trying to rock him because she likes the spotlight and she likes the fact that she's, you know, throwing some pussy at Morgan Freeman. | ||
| Or it's the best payback ever to your ex-wife. | ||
| Or he's the one who goes after it. | ||
| He could be a creep, too. | ||
| You got to look at it that way. | ||
|
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|
Sure. | |
| He could have been hawking her, you know, his whole life and waiting for, you know, her to turn 18 and start putting it to her. | ||
| How about the dude who just married the 16-year-old? | ||
|
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|
Yeah. | |
| The guy from Lost? | ||
| Yeah, the guy from Lost. | ||
|
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|
He's 51. She's 16. Where are her fucking parents, man? | |
| They were cool with it. | ||
| That's the crazy part. | ||
| Your parents have to, if you're 16 in Vegas and you want to get married, you have to get, like, permission. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, and I think it was probably set up for teen pregnancies and shit like that. | ||
| Somebody trying to do the right thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But fucking A, man. | ||
| Her parents were just like, look, we love Lost. | ||
| It's cool. | ||
| What? | ||
| It's a great show. | ||
| Look at a guy like that. | ||
| Is he done? | ||
| The guy's done, right? | ||
| Yeah, you can't go around marrying 16-year-olds. | ||
| People are not going to want to hang out with you, man. | ||
| This ain't the 1950s, and you're not Jerry Lee Lewis. | ||
| No. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| You can't marry that girl. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| That's got to keep him from jobs, too. | ||
| There's a few directors or producers out there who would consider that dude for a job, and then hear that and go, Nah, man. | ||
| What a mess. | ||
| What's the other guy's name? | ||
| Let's get him on the phone. | ||
| Yeah, listen, he's not that good. | ||
|
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|
Right? | |
| They're going to say that. | ||
| It's not worth it. | ||
| It's not his show. | ||
| Unless it was some sort of a reality show based on the two of them. | ||
|
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|
That's true. | |
| That could work. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That could work. | ||
| A reality show based on a 16-year-old. | ||
| But it'd really be unfair to the 16-year-old. | ||
| Because, you know, when you were 16 years old, would you really want some document out there of who you were and how you behaved when you were 16? | ||
| And the whole world can look at it whenever they want. | ||
| Especially when you fucked up and you married some 51-year-old dude. | ||
| You know, well, why should everybody be able to look into your shit? | ||
| You're not really old enough to understand what the fuck that means yet. | ||
| You're not really old enough to understand the ramifications of the whole world being able to look in on that. | ||
| You know, so that you couldn't have a reality show with her. | ||
| I think about how little you knew when you were 16. Oh, my God! | ||
| I was such a fucking... | ||
| Douchebag. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| Can you imagine if you had to meet yourself today and hang out with yourself? | ||
| A 16-year-old? | ||
| I'd be like, dude, seriously, just sit down. | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| Just shut the fuck up, dude. | ||
| I think I've just given myself a hug. | ||
| I found a video of myself. | ||
| You would probably need a hug too. | ||
| A slow kiss. | ||
| I found a video of myself where I took a camera, a camcorder to a party when I was 18. Oh my god! | ||
| Right? | ||
| And it was like, I'm a senior in high school, and I walk through and I just talk to people and I put the camera on myself. | ||
| And I'm just doing this for like 30 minutes at this party. | ||
| I watched the video, I took it out, and then I broke the tape and I burned it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| Yeah, and it wasn't anything like incriminating. | ||
| It was just, I was so... | ||
| It was like a really rapid, like instinctive response to how much I loathed seeing myself as an 18. I was like, that's fucking embarrassing. | ||
| I don't want anybody to see that. | ||
| And I tore it immediately. | ||
| Like I was like... | ||
| Not nostalgic or like, that'd be cool to show to my kids. | ||
| I'd be like, I hope my kids never could find this. | ||
|
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|
Wow. | |
| Because I was fucking like, hey, what's up, buddy? | ||
| What's up? | ||
| And then like... | ||
|
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|
I turned the camera into myself and just... | |
| It was fucking horrifying, man. | ||
| Horrifying. | ||
| You think about the shit you did when you were like... | ||
| The shit you yelled out to people. | ||
| I was like... | ||
| That's fucking embarrassing. | ||
| You know, the thing is though, you're gonna think it's embarrassing now, but you're gonna wish once you have kids that you had that. | ||
| I know, I know. | ||
| You fucked up. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I actually put all my shit online, and I've had it on from when I was 15. I have a movie called Carrots that I did, to like, you know, 18. I had this movie where me and my friends just smoked weed and got drunk, and we're hanging out in this one-bedroom apartment. | ||
| I have all this stuff and I'm just putting it out there. | ||
| I know it's embarrassing. | ||
| It makes me look like shit or bad. | ||
| Well, it doesn't make you look bad. | ||
| But that's only myself telling me that. | ||
| It doesn't make you look bad. | ||
| Once you have children of your own and you start thinking about the process of going from being a baby to actually being a human and all the shit you have to learn along the way, then it's going to be fascinating to you. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Then you're going to wish you had it. | ||
| Because, yeah, before I had babies, I probably would have looked at it differently. | ||
| Like, I don't want any evidence that I was a retard. | ||
| You know, there's some video of me from Rascals Comedy Hour in New Jersey. | ||
| I was like 24, 25, a beautiful, delicious head of hair. | ||
| And I'm fucking real skinny. | ||
| I didn't even lift weights back then. | ||
| And I'm doing stand-up, and it's like, oh, God, it's so dorky. | ||
| My shirt's dorky. | ||
| I look dorky. | ||
| I sound hacky. | ||
| But it's cool. | ||
| I like that it's out there. | ||
| I bet if I saw that video right now, I would be laughing my fucking ass off. | ||
| Yeah, I bet it would be cute. | ||
| It would be cute. | ||
| I could show you old stand-up. | ||
| I mean, old, like, it's... | ||
| Seven, eight years old where you don't recognize the way I look. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like long hair? | ||
| Like flowing locks? | ||
| No, just like really thin and happy. | ||
| It's weird how people's voices change over the years. | ||
| You know, I hear my voice when I was younger and things, and I'm like, wow, my voice is so high-pitched. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I was still like a boy, you know? | ||
| It's weird, you know? | ||
| I'm really selling what I'm saying, too. | ||
| I'm like, you know, like I'm really like... | ||
| There's a tone to your voice that happens after you become 30, when you become like a man. | ||
| When you're younger, you don't even realize it, but you have this weird high pitch to your voice. | ||
|
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|
I always thought it was cigarettes. | |
| For you, you never really became a man. | ||
| It's just cigarettes make it sound like... | ||
|
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|
When I'm 50, I'm going to be like... | |
| When you're at 50, it's going to be full circle. | ||
| You're going to be on something to treat the cancer that you have from cigarette smoke and it's going to make you develop even more estrogen. | ||
| That's what's going to fight the cancer. | ||
| And then you're going to sound like Large Marge from Pee-wee's Big Adventure. | ||
| Tell them Large Marge sent you. | ||
| Yeah, that's going to be you. | ||
| You're going to sound like an old lady. | ||
| Did you guys see the Pee Wee Herman live show? | ||
| They have it on HBO or something? | ||
| No, they have it on HBO or Showtime. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| They filmed his live show. | ||
| Live show? | ||
| What does he do? | ||
| He brought back Pee Wee's Playhouse. | ||
| Oh, get the fuck out of here. | ||
| It sold out everywhere. | ||
| Of course it did. | ||
| It is so weird to watch as an adult. | ||
| How about he's 80 and doing it? | ||
| That's the creepy thing. | ||
| He did it at the Nokia Club, the theater, but the smaller of the two downtown. | ||
| And my cousin went and he said that it's all people like... | ||
| They would say lines at the same time. | ||
| It was like seeing a band or something. | ||
| Oh no! | ||
| So it was a nostalgia thing? | ||
| Oh, absolutely. | ||
| Everybody in that theater is like... | ||
| Did you grow up with Weird Al Yankovic? | ||
|
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|
Yeah, sure. | |
| I just got his new album. | ||
| That is the funniest shit ever. | ||
| That guy still has it, man. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It's ridiculous to listen to when you're just really baked driving on the highway. | ||
| You'll sit there and giggle the whole fucking way home. | ||
| We gotta get him on a podcast. | ||
| That would be awesome. | ||
| I was always a fan of Weird Al Yankovic when I was a kid. | ||
| I thought he was hilarious. | ||
| I'm Fat. | ||
| I would always wait for his new shit to come out. | ||
| When he came out with I'm Fat. | ||
| You know Roy Big Country Nelson still goes into the octagon with that song? | ||
| No. | ||
| He enters with that song. | ||
| He's the only fighter that enters on Weird Al Yankovic. | ||
| That's pretty awesome. | ||
| That makes me like that guy a lot. | ||
| How can you not like that guy? | ||
| That guy's got the best personality. | ||
| He's so talented too. | ||
| And he's trying to lose some weight. | ||
| He's trying to at least get in better shape. | ||
| He's just, you know, super talented. | ||
| It's just he's not in the best physical condition. | ||
| Goddamn, he's got a great personality though. | ||
| I have a video of myself at like... | ||
| 8 years old with my cousin who's 8 and my other cousin's 9 and we sing I'm fat as children. | ||
| Do you have that? | ||
| At a talent show and we're all skinny but I hog the mic and I'm the one that ended up fat like of the three of us. | ||
| You gotta put that online dude. | ||
| Yeah I'm like I'm fat! | ||
| Like I get really into it. | ||
| Yeah you should definitely put some of that stuff somewhere. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, that I wouldn't get rid of. | ||
| You should put that on your next DVD. Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, when you do a DVD, have that be as one of the extras. | ||
| Yeah, I should. | ||
| Yeah, why not? | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| And I also have college sketches that we made. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| We did a fake commercial for a product called Anal Freeze. | ||
| And it was for when you have diarrhea. | ||
| And someone was like, I have diarrhea. | ||
| I'm like, well, why don't you use Anal Freeze? | ||
| It'll freeze all that crap up. | ||
| That's the tag. | ||
| It'll freeze all that crap up. | ||
| And then, like, it's horrible. | ||
| And then, like, it comes in a bottle and you just shove the whole bottle up your ass. | ||
| We have videos of that type of genius, that highbrow stuff. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| That and a fake kung fu short where we layer Wu-Tang music and we have a kung fu vibe. | ||
| That's why no one can ever be cocky about where you are. | ||
| Don't be disrespectful about other people's material. | ||
| Yeah, they might suck right now, but at one point in time, you suck too. | ||
| A lot. | ||
| You suck a lot. | ||
| A lot. | ||
| Everybody does. | ||
| You can't not suck. | ||
| You start on anything, you're going to suck. | ||
| The best part, though, is at that time, you don't think you suck. | ||
| No, you think you're good. | ||
| There was a bunch of times where I was open mic nights and I couldn't get on. | ||
| I was like, man, I'm going to get up there. | ||
| I'll fucking show these people what's up. | ||
| Meanwhile, I was terrible. | ||
| I should not have had any confidence whatsoever that I could go up there and make people laugh. | ||
| I was awful. | ||
| I shouldn't have been allowed to talk ever. | ||
| I should have been practicing with... | ||
| Only people who barely spoke English for years worked my way to the mainstream. | ||
| But that's just how it is, right? | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| I remember when you finally have 10 or 15 minutes down that kills, and something happens one night where you just don't know how to react to a room, so it doesn't kill, it actually bombs, and you go, but this is the shit. | ||
| This is the best material of all time. | ||
| It's the best thing I got in my toolbox. | ||
| And you have nothing else to go to. | ||
| That is like a paralyzing feeling. | ||
| And you realize, because you're killed with it so many times, you get a feeling of being kind of invincible. | ||
| And then when it doesn't kill, you're like, maybe, oh shit, maybe this isn't amazing. | ||
| That's where you wish you had a real job. | ||
| It's like, God, if I just had a job, I'd be reporting back to the stockholders. | ||
| Well, we have a discrepancy between the projected income and the actual income. | ||
| We're going to give you some figures on this on Monday, but there's nothing we can't fix. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But when you're out there and it's all you, you're Tom Segura Incorporated and you're eating a dick. | ||
| You wish you had some, you know, what would you like me to do, boss? | ||
| You can't say that because what you're doing is you're the boss. | ||
| You're the boss. | ||
| At the end of the line is you, stupid. | ||
| And if you ain't doing it, ah, shit. | ||
| And you don't know how to dance. | ||
| Like now if like something, like if it were to be like, man, that was really, that joke bombed or something happened. | ||
| You have the tools after a while to adjust to that. | ||
| The problem then is that you just don't even know how to... | ||
| And you panic, and they panic for you. | ||
| Yes, they see the panic, and then they're like, oh, we're all panicking. | ||
| Then you're in a fucking elevator fire. | ||
| People are just like, how the fuck do we get out of here? | ||
| Recently, I saw a friend of mine... | ||
| And he fucked up a joke. | ||
| And then after he fucked up a joke, he started rushing the next joke because you could feel that he fucked up. | ||
| And that joke bombed. | ||
| And then I felt like the spin. | ||
| I felt the spin, the slide, and my toes started crunching up in my shoes. | ||
| I clenched my hands together. | ||
| He pulled himself out of it, but I almost had to leave the room. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| He got a couple good laughs, and then the ball started rolling again, and then I was like, okay, we're back. | ||
| But the uncomfortable thing of watching someone slide down the road to bomb them, I don't want to be there for that. | ||
| It's really painful, man. | ||
| I don't need to see that, dude. | ||
| I know it sucks. | ||
| That's why I write a lot. | ||
| Yeah, and you can almost tell... | ||
| What are you doing over there, Brian? | ||
| You adjusting the sound? | ||
| I'm adjusting the little thing, yeah. | ||
| Why don't you tell us when you're doing that, otherwise it freaks me the fuck out. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| Are my ears getting way better? | ||
| Joe, you gotta look at the salvia video that Tom was talking about earlier. | ||
| This is going to freak... | ||
| This is the one that Tom... | ||
| When Tom got here, one of the first things he said is, dude, you gotta see this video of this couple smoking salvia. | ||
| And why is it so interesting that it has a million fucking hits on YouTube? | ||
| Because of what happens in it. | ||
| Even though Ari Shafir, when he did Salvia... | ||
| I heard he freaked out. | ||
| He did freak out? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You've got to check out that video. | ||
| I saw little bits of it from his account. | ||
| Times that by a billion. | ||
| And this is 126,000 people have seen this, really. | ||
| Just this one. | ||
| It's uploaded like a million times on here. | ||
| So they're recording themselves doing Salvia, which a lot of people do. | ||
| Yeah, what is the big deal about that? | ||
| How'd that all get going? | ||
| Because you leave your body, like, but it's only a couple minutes, so you're really interested to see what happens, you know, because you're out of it, but you're awake type thing. | ||
| I mean, everybody does it the same way you guys did it with Ari, and what I would imagine is, like, the worst environment possible. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When you're filming these fucking things, it's, like, the worst environment possible. | ||
| This dude takes some rips off this bong, too. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah, like, he... | ||
| I mean, I can't... | ||
| Now, for people who don't know what the fuck salvia is, for you squares out there, salvia is a super powerful psychedelic drug, but is very legal for some weird reason. | ||
| It was one that was missed in the whole sweeping psychedelic drug acts of the 1970s, whatever it was, 1970, when they made everything illegal. | ||
| Somehow or another, they missed salvia. | ||
| So these people are taking something... | ||
| And now they're laughing their balls off. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a hundred times more powerful than marijuana. | ||
| You can buy it in head shops legally. | ||
| And so this is normal shit, like people laughing having a good time. | ||
| Then the Ari Shaffir factor kicks in. | ||
| Yeah, it just takes a turn. | ||
| You can almost see the moment. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Okay, so now the guy's lying down. | ||
| Looks like he's having such a good time. | ||
| And now all of a sudden he looks kind of freaked out. | ||
| One thing to note is that the camera's off-tilted. | ||
| Like, why is it not centered? | ||
| This is one of the best advertisements ever for don't do drugs. | ||
| Yeah, that's what I'm saying. | ||
| That's why I think it might be fake. | ||
| But it's really good acting. | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| Oh, he's breaking windows, bro. | ||
| This ain't fake. | ||
| No way. | ||
| No way. | ||
| Yeah, and those are trees up there, man. | ||
| So they're on the second floor. | ||
| No way. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then she kind of just comes to it and is like... | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| And then part two, you saw part two, right? | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah, part two, she's just totally... | ||
| Would you just say part two? | ||
| This is fake. | ||
| Well, somebody just cut the video. | ||
| This is fake. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's don't do drug video, right? | ||
| This looks fake to me. | ||
| I don't like the way he randomly stumbled into the window. | ||
| What I don't like is that the camera is not centered. | ||
| It's actually so you can see both windows. | ||
| The couch is to the right of the camera. | ||
| As a cameraman, if you're setting up your self-record, why wouldn't you zoom in on the couch? | ||
| You're not going to sit it that far back and show that much window. | ||
| Why is it showing... | ||
| It's off-centered. | ||
| I always thought it was fake, but I wanted to see what you guys thought. | ||
| It seems fake. | ||
| The way he moves seems fake. | ||
| The way he jumped up to me looked like he was putting on a show. | ||
| I mean, that's the impression that I got. | ||
| I might be wrong, but my impression was that he was putting on a show. | ||
| That didn't look like a guy who was really scared of... | ||
| When you're really fucked up... | ||
| Can you shut that off, Brian? | ||
| Is it still on? | ||
| Because you hear talking in the background. | ||
| When you're really fucked up on something and you can't walk, you don't know how to control your body. | ||
| That guy was catching himself the right way. | ||
| He was saving himself the right way every time. | ||
| To me, it looks like he was way more together than he was pretending to be. | ||
| He went right through that window. | ||
| He didn't pull out of it at all. | ||
| He knows well enough to keep his balance while he's stumbling around. | ||
| He knows to protect his balance, but he doesn't know to not go through a window. | ||
| I don't buy that. | ||
| He also falls out of the top part of the window. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And there's all this smashing, but it doesn't look like a smashing window to me. | ||
| I mean, he's just kind of leaning on it, and all of a sudden it's going through. | ||
| Really thin windows. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| That looks fake. | ||
| The window looks fake. | ||
| And the fact that he would just go over it and right through it, he wouldn't stop himself. | ||
| Come on, son. | ||
| And if you noticed, when all that was happening, there was off-camera, he must have hit a light or a lamp, and did the lightbulb blow-up flash? | ||
| So it was really dramatic, because it was like, ooh, a lightbulb flash. | ||
| And that right there, as a looking at, to me, thought, hey, that's purposely put there to make it more dramatic and realistic-looking. | ||
| Yeah, maybe, right? | ||
| Maybe it wasn't even real. | ||
| Maybe they added it to the film, in effect. | ||
| Really into it when I saw it. | ||
| You really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I didn't buy it, man. | ||
| My initial reaction, just being honest, was that I really thought it was... | ||
| My first reaction was fake. | ||
| Well, we might be wrong. | ||
| You might be right. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| We might be wrong. | ||
| There might be a whole news story about it. | ||
| Yeah, if there's not a new story, like, immediately, because they want to have a story like that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Guy falls, breaks both of his fucking legs. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dumbass gets a, you know, gets a fence post up his ass. | ||
| What exactly happened to Ari when he did it? | ||
| Well, it wasn't too much of a freak out. | ||
| He stayed put, though, pretty much. | ||
| They kind of held him down. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They were watching him, and they were doing it for a show. | ||
| They were doing it when they were filming the Naughty Show. | ||
| And the worst part about that is that you're filming it, and you're trying to make light of it, and you're making a comedy podcast, and then you ask your guy to do psychedelics. | ||
| And the worst thing you can do when you're doing psychedelics is be on a fucking comedy podcast with cameras and people fucking with you. | ||
| Plus, you know the studio. | ||
| It was like everybody was packed. | ||
| Like three people on the couch. | ||
| There was people behind me and everything. | ||
| So it was packed. | ||
| It's the worst place you could ever do a psychedelic. | ||
| And he started flailing. | ||
| Not too bad. | ||
| Knock the LCD screen or break, hurt himself, and he stood up. | ||
| It was genuine? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It's completely real. | ||
| Really? | ||
| But he didn't do what this knucklehead did. | ||
| Did he leave? | ||
| Huh? | ||
| He left? | ||
| No, he freaked out, and then he cuddled Sam. | ||
| It was so cute, because Ari's little face was next to Sam. | ||
| Hey, man, that video's still going on. | ||
| You see it? | ||
| Look, there's some... | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| This is bullshit, dude. | ||
| This video is totally bullshit. | ||
| They left all this extra footage on the end of it to make it look even more real. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Clever! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Clever, boys! | |
| These are some, uh, what's it called? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| Blair Witch kind of style, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm just, you know, I see all these fucking hungry kids out there trying to come up with something that gets people to look at their shit. | ||
| And I see creativity, and I see ingenuity, and I see a video like this. | ||
| And I say, well, there it is. | ||
| It manifested itself. | ||
| Good try. | ||
| Guy's very talented. | ||
| It was very funny, but I'm not buying it. | ||
| Son. | ||
| So, crazy salvia trip. | ||
| What does it say? | ||
| For real with a bunch of O's. | ||
| That's another reason why you know it's not real. | ||
| Because they don't even say for real with the correct amount of O's. | ||
| Check this out. | ||
| I don't know what's going on. | ||
| I haven't been watching. | ||
| I just looked over. | ||
| But she just finally came to, it looks like. | ||
| And then she opens the front door. | ||
| And then the guy immediately comes in right when... | ||
| She opens the door at the same time. | ||
| It wasn't like she opened the door and was looking around. | ||
| They both came to at the same time and met at the door. | ||
| Maybe this is like the opening scene for an amazing new film, and this is viral marketing. | ||
| Yeah, the monkey movie. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| Yeah, this is one of the reasons why you root for the monkeys. | ||
| It's called People Are Cunts, Evidence 1,226,000,000. | ||
| These fucking idiots, smoking salvia, headers out windows. | ||
| Are Cunts, marketing campaign. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Just to try to really pump up the numbers for the Planet of the Apes. | ||
| Because you've got to realize, we lose in this one. | ||
| We lose this one. | ||
| We lose this one big. | ||
| The chimps take over. | ||
| There's going to be some violent scenes in that movie. | ||
| I can't wait. | ||
| I hope so. | ||
| I wonder if it's in 3D. Is it even in 3D? It's got to be. | ||
| Everything's in 3D now. | ||
| I like that shit now. | ||
| I'm liking the 3D. Yeah, me too. | ||
| There'll be a shot of somebody, like a monkey's going to grab a guy's ear and it's going to tear across his face. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| Yes, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Is it supposed to be this violent? | ||
| I'm hoping. | ||
| You're putting it out there in the universe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, maybe it's a kid's movie. | ||
| Maybe it's a monkey love story. | ||
| It's got to be at least PG-13. | ||
| I would imagine a big budget movie like this, probably PG-13. | ||
| What do you think of Captain America? | ||
| I actually think it looks decent. | ||
| It looks badass. | ||
| I fucking love superhero movies, dude. | ||
| Fuck that Green Hornet shit, though. | ||
| Did you see it? | ||
| I thought Ryan Reynolds was a bit too handsome for my taste. | ||
| Green Hornets. | ||
| Who wants to watch Green Hornets? | ||
| I'm not into watching him wander around on TV knowing that he fucked the shit out of Scarlett Johansson and was like, ugh, kind of done with you. | ||
| Kind of done. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Moving on to greener pastures, honey. | |
| You know what sucks is Six Flags just made a new roller coaster and it's not even opening up. | ||
| Ryan Reynolds' pussy ride. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what it is. | |
| You jump in a condom and you go just fucking shooting through all these pussies all throughout Hollywood. | ||
| And at the end, you're just fucking exhausted, covered in sperm. | ||
| It's kind of like that, too. | ||
| It turns into a water ride at the very end. | ||
| You get splashed. | ||
| Yeah, she's squirting. | ||
| Right when she comes at the end, the last girl comes and shoots you over the top of a fucking mountain. | ||
| That dude's got to sweat himself so hard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How could he not? | |
| Of course, yeah. | ||
| He's got the craziest roll of the dice ever. | ||
| Handsome, well-spoken, people like him. | ||
| Funny. | ||
| He's a decent actor, genuinely funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Good looking as fuck and nailing it, son! | ||
| Swat! | ||
| You motherfucker. | ||
| Some dude apparently just usurped Jennifer Lopez. | ||
| Have you ever heard this news? | ||
| No. | ||
| This may be true, maybe not. | ||
| Maybe I heard it from somebody who read it on the internet. | ||
| I haven't even bothered looking it up. | ||
| But apparently Jennifer Lopez got into some sort of a romantic soiree with some dude who she was dancing with. | ||
| Now all of a sudden our fucking show has become TMZ. Because I need to find out if that's true. | ||
| That Green Hornet rollercoaster is not even open yet. | ||
| Can you imagine them like they spent all this money on this rollercoaster and they're like, oh god, that movie was gay. | ||
| Now I mean bad. | ||
| And then we have to... | ||
| From announcing a split to singing at a wedding. | ||
| Is that a Six Flags ride it's going to be? | ||
| Yeah, Six Flags. | ||
| I don't even think it's open yet. | ||
| What's the other superhero one? | ||
| What's the one that Seth Rogen did? | ||
| Oh yeah, the Black Hornet? | ||
| Green Hornet. | ||
| Jennifer Lopez still fucking keeps it together. | ||
| Green Hornet and Green Lantern. | ||
| This is why I knew that this marriage was never going to work. | ||
| Why? | ||
| What is it? | ||
| She's too hot. | ||
| She's still hot. | ||
| She's still hot as fuck. | ||
| Jennifer Lopez? | ||
| She's like 50 now, right? | ||
| What is she? | ||
| How old is she? | ||
| She's 86 years old. | ||
| She's 97 years old. | ||
| And she's hot as fuck. | ||
| She's younger than me. | ||
| I shouldn't be talking shit. | ||
| She's only 41. But goddamn, she's still hot as fuck. | ||
| And that dude that she's with, that Mark Anthony fella, he's got a mirror. | ||
| He's got a mirror at home. | ||
| He knows what the fuck is up. | ||
| What he needs to do is belt out some goddamn number one hits. | ||
| It's the only way he's going to keep around. | ||
| And let's be honest, he really hasn't done that lately. | ||
| I haven't been hearing, nobody's been screaming and yelling about how great Mark Anthony's music is. | ||
| And unless you are one of the baddest motherfuckers ever, you're Justin Bieber and Prince rolled up in one, and you look like that, it's going to be hard to keep a girl like Jennifer Lopez. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Those are some genetics, son. | ||
| Those are some I-need-dick genetics. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Yeah, he's a... | ||
| Yeah, look at that girl's body. | ||
| Where's that from? | ||
| What's that? | ||
| That body's a goddamn homing signal for a cock. | ||
| I'm Puerto Rican. | ||
| It's all good to be Puerto Rican. | ||
| It's like a magnet for a dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's what it is. | ||
| Puerto Rican dicks, too. | ||
| Shazam, son. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what I'm talking about. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Arroz con pollo. | ||
| She couldn't keep it together. | ||
| She hooked up with some other dude. | ||
| Can you imagine how many guys fucking railed and smashed that when she was one of the Fly Girls? | ||
| After months of non-stop arguing. | ||
| They argued for months non-stop. | ||
| That makes me so sad. | ||
| Why argue? | ||
| You guys have all the money in the world. | ||
| They have a kid. | ||
| They have twins, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What do I give a fuck? | ||
| People are listening to this podcast going, what do you give a fuck? | ||
| Listen, I don't, and I blame the weed. | ||
| And Oprah. | ||
| I blame the weed. | ||
| If it wasn't for the weed, I would not be on a Mark Anthony and Jennifer Lopez split Google run right now. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| You ever get on a Google run? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| And you go, what the fuck is wrong with me, man? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm thinking about getting one of these MacBook Airs. | ||
| Good. | ||
| Go get one. | ||
| So before we... | ||
| We didn't finish this Machu Picchu thing, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| I'm looking at some photos of this shit now. | ||
| Tell me... | ||
| We kept getting off track. | ||
| You got there. | ||
| You fly to Cusco. | ||
| Fly to Cusco. | ||
| From Lima. | ||
| And then you stay there usually... | ||
| Most people stay there at least like a day or two to get acclimated to being up that high. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then you take a train from Cusco to what is essentially the bottom... | ||
| Of the mountain that Machu Picchu is on, and you take a bus up the hill. | ||
| A very unsafe bus ride, might I add? | ||
| Is it like one of those things where there's a road and then this mountain to the right-hand side? | ||
| Dude, you're on a road that's on the side of a mountain with no guardrails or anything on a bus, just going up, up, up, and you're just like, we're on a mountain. | ||
| That kind of thing. | ||
| That stuff freaks me out, dude. | ||
| You can look out of your bus window and just see down. | ||
| Yeah, your bus driver falls asleep, freaks out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| Had a long night. | ||
| A dog runs across the road. | ||
| He has to hit the brakes. | ||
| Drinks. | ||
| Just does anything. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's not like... | ||
| How wide is the road? | ||
| Not wide. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| I did the Pacific Coast Highway once. | ||
| The drive from... | ||
| California, from Southern California, Northern California, along the coast. | ||
| It's fucking amazing, man. | ||
| Amazing. | ||
| While you're driving there, you're just like, oh my god, this is so incredible. | ||
| But you can't even look at it because you're glued to that little skinny slice of rock. | ||
| Hanging over the Pacific Ocean, by the way, in a place where the ground moves all the time. | ||
| And you're driving 35 miles an hour. | ||
| You can't drive any faster because there's a fucking person in front of you. | ||
| And by the way, when you're in a cooperative agreement with all those other fucksticks on that road, you've got to know that this guy coming this way isn't just freaking out and stomping on his gas and turning into traffic because his girlfriend left him. | ||
| You've got to hope that everyone you meet is keeping it together. | ||
| Fuck that! | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| It's terrifying. | ||
| You can go a different route, right? | ||
| You don't have to take that. | ||
| Yes, you don't have to take that. | ||
| The quicker route is actually not taken, but taking that route on the ocean is just the scenic view. | ||
| So I did it once with an ex-girlfriend of mine. | ||
| I got a ticket going up and a ticket going back. | ||
| How long does it take? | ||
| It's a speed trap, because they know you want to drive home. | ||
| Nobody lives out there, so it's all just people driving from San Francisco to LA along the coast. | ||
| So it's crazy speed traps. | ||
| How long does that take? | ||
| It's a long time. | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| It's like somewhere around six hours, I think it was. | ||
| Somewhere around that. | ||
| And that's if you're following a reasonable pace. | ||
| We actually, I think, went to Monterey. | ||
| That's where we went. | ||
| And then we went to San Francisco later. | ||
| But it's not worth the drive. | ||
| It's a fucking cunt of a drive. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That takes way longer going up the coast. | ||
| But the Machu Picchu thing, so you're on this road. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude, you're on this road. | |
| There's no guardrail, and it's just like that where it's a skinny road on the side of a giant mountain. | ||
| You're in the driver's hands. | ||
| And so how long from the time that you land in the plane, how long before you actually get to the top of this bus? | ||
| Well, like I said, you land in Cusco. | ||
| Usually I stay there a day or two. | ||
| Then take a train. | ||
| It's a couple hour train ride, I want to say. | ||
| Do you stay there on purpose to normalize? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Most people do. | ||
| Most people do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah, because also, since you already flew in to Cusco that day, you probably usually don't feel like taking the train, because the best time to go is in the morning to get the whole day. | ||
| So you stay a couple days. | ||
| You get on a train. | ||
| You take the train ride, then you get the bus up the hill, and then when you arrive at the top, and you are just, you know, let's say 100 yards or something from where the actual Machu Picchu City is. | ||
| You're at the receiving area, and you walk over, and it's... | ||
| It just blows your mind, man. | ||
| There's nothing, I mean, there's no way to describe it. | ||
| There's a city, an ancient city, way up thousands of feet, 7,000 feet up in the mountains. | ||
| And it's elaborate. | ||
| It's precise. | ||
| There's reasons for the placement of things. | ||
| The sun hits certain parts of it certain ways. | ||
| And you're just like, we're way up, you know, like you're looking down. | ||
| From the top of a mountain in a city. | ||
| It was inhabited and fully functioning. | ||
| Like I said, the size of the place, the magnitude of it all, it blows your mind. | ||
| There's nothing like it, man. | ||
| How long were you up there for? | ||
| I would spend hours. | ||
| You arrive in the morning. | ||
| Let's say you're there by life. | ||
| You get a guide or someone that takes you? | ||
| Yeah, and they have so much information that blows your mind. | ||
| How old do they say it is? | ||
| I'm trying to remember. | ||
| I haven't been there before. | ||
| In a while now, but I want to say that they said, well, because it's documented when the Spanish went there and killed like thousands of them with like a hundred guys, you know, because they came with disease and weapon. | ||
| They just wiped them out. | ||
| I was in Hawaii last week, and we were reading about when white people first came to Hawaii. | ||
| It killed off one-fifth of the Hawaiian population. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| That's a lot of people. | ||
| One-fifth. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Can you imagine how much you would fucking hate white people if they showed up and your daughter died from measles? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because these creeps brought over some creepy fucking disease. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's well documented. | ||
| We could look that up. | ||
| I want to say it was like thousands to one. | ||
| That they killed them. | ||
| And that was in the 15... | ||
| I want to say 1530s or 1560s. | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| Just make some shit up, bro. | ||
| No one's going to look it up. | ||
| No one's going to Google it. | ||
| Yes, they... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm not an expert. | |
| So when you go up there... | ||
| So they give you some sort of an estimation of when it was created. | ||
| Do they tell you... | ||
| Who the people were, or why they built it, or where they went. | ||
| It's all theories. | ||
| It's never been discovered, and they tell you that they're theories, because there's no record to prove that this was, in fact, the way they did it. | ||
| So was it one thing sort of when they just sort of found it? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| It was discovered in the early 1900s by an explorer, an American explorer, I think. | ||
| American or British. | ||
| And he, you know, it was overgrown, like weeds and grass and everything had grown. | ||
| And then, yeah, can you imagine you're on a hike and then they take you to see this and you're like, what the fuck, man? | ||
| All of a sudden you just find some lost city. | ||
| Lost city, man. | ||
| From thousands of years ago. | ||
| A real lost city. | ||
| I wish I could remember what the... | ||
| Chariots of the Gods slash Graham Hancock crew thinks about this place. | ||
| Because I think there is some sort of speculation that it was at the side of water at one point in time. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, that the topography of the earth was so radically different when this thing was created that it's so many thousands of years old that there was actually water up there. | ||
| What this guy wants to do is this John Anthony West guy, he wants to push back the idea of civilization like more than 10,000 B.C. He wants to go like way back, even like 30,000 B.C. And he thinks that there's sort of hieroglyphs that represent that. | ||
| But for whatever reasons, Egyptian scholars have refused to look at those hieroglyphs and they believe that it's all fiction after a certain point. | ||
| It's just fiction and fable. | ||
| And he's saying, well, why would you think that? | ||
| Because there's all this other evidence that we know is real that's also in the hieroglyphs. | ||
| Why would we assume that at one point in time they were just liars? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So it's kind of, did you fuck this new one up again? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's still broken. | ||
| We got a new one, though. | ||
| I know, it never really... | ||
| The new one doesn't work either? | ||
| No. | ||
| Goddammit, son. | ||
| Anyway... | ||
| Those guys are right, and it was like 30,000 years ago, or whatever the hell it was, where there was a civilization up here, and there was an ocean up there, or a river, or whatever the hell it was. | ||
| It's not near ocean, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I mean, you know, no, not like... | ||
| So they think it would have to be some giant lake or something up there. | ||
| But they have, one of their theories is that they used water to lay those rocks, and to make them, to shape them. | ||
| Like through some extremely, I don't know, intricate formula that water – because water hits rocks and shapes them over time and beats them down to sand. | ||
| They have a theory that water was used to make rocks fit into each other. | ||
| But through some elaborate system that you hear about it and you go like, yeah, I don't fucking know, man. | ||
| The sheer size of them is what's really mind-boggling. | ||
| It really is, man. | ||
| They're eight, nine feet tall, and they're curved, and they fit into other curved rocks. | ||
| And thousands of pounds. | ||
| Yeah, thousands of tons. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, I don't know about thousands of tons. | ||
| What's the biggest one? | ||
| We should know this. | ||
| We should know this. | ||
| While we're talking shit. | ||
| But there are enormous stones up there, whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| I highly recommend a trip there. | ||
| Man, you're making me want to go. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| So when you land in the morning at this one place, before you get in the bus and all the jazz, when you land in the morning, do they give you a survival pack or anything? | ||
| No. | ||
| Here's water. | ||
| You're at high altitude. | ||
| Well, when you land in Cusco, yeah. | ||
| If you've never been there, hotels will give you tea. | ||
| They'll tell you to hydrate. | ||
| Yeah, everybody. | ||
| I mean, it's... | ||
| Peru is considered a third world, but it's actually really developed now. | ||
| This is such an international destination that everything is modern, as far as getting you there. | ||
| The last time I went was 10 years ago. | ||
| And, you know, it was still pretty much, but there's a hotel at the location. | ||
| If you want to stay overnight, there's a hotel right there. | ||
| So, like, not like, you know, not within the city of Machu Picchu, but right, kind of, not far from it. | ||
| So you can stay in the hotel, like, it's very naughty. | ||
| Even in the fucking ghosts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| In the middle of the night. | ||
| Dude, it's sword fights from thousands of years ago. | ||
| It really, like, affects you. | ||
| It affects you. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, like, you stay in there, you take it in, you're looking at, like, you're looking at the sky and the mountains, and you're like, How is this possible? | ||
| Because it blows your mind in terms of most things that you look at, there's so many explanations and answers for, and this is something where you really don't have one. | ||
| You can't have somebody tell you, this is exactly what this was. | ||
| But why do you say you can't? | ||
| Just because it's just too nutty, too big? | ||
| And because there's no proof that it was used for this and it was built this way. | ||
| They're all theories. | ||
| There's theories on why this was done. | ||
| And so that then opens your mind up to really what are possibilities, I think. | ||
| What are possibilities in the world? | ||
| What are the possibilities that you got from being there, looking at that? | ||
| It was underwater and mermaids built it. | ||
| I just got that it was something that, you know, that's greater than what my mind can conceive of. | ||
| It makes you feel, like, really small, you know, in a lot of terms, like, just by the scope of it. | ||
| And, like, if this was done by some intricate, like, levy and pulling system with water, like, man, how little do I know? | ||
| Like, how little have I taken in that people... | ||
| That we're in an ancient civilization, built a city. | ||
| Am I of the lowest IQ level possible? | ||
| You could explain it to me 20 times, and I'd be like, what? | ||
| I don't understand what you're saying right now. | ||
| Really, you go, that's... | ||
| And then also, I think you think about spiritual things. | ||
| You definitely feel something. | ||
| You think about God and possibilities of gods and stuff. | ||
| These people all worshipped... | ||
| I believe the sun and other gods, you know, Incas did. | ||
| So, you know, they were just doing this for what they believed was God, you know, worshiping him. | ||
| Are they sacrificed? | ||
| Incas sacrificed. | ||
| So, you know, they would kill their own. | ||
| Offer him up. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's pretty amazing, man. | ||
| I wonder what made them build those things. | ||
| What I would think as far as it being very spiritual to be there, and the terms of what I mean by spiritual is that if a spirit was real, and if there is some sort of an energy that's inside of a life form, and that energy leaves and stays in that space | ||
| once the person's gone, when you go to a place like a Machu Picchu, and you think about all the thousands of years of history, and all the people that have died, all the people that died in that area, how long ago it was If there was ever any feeling you could get of the spirit of a place, it would have to be some sort of a really, really ancient place. | ||
| A place along those lines, standing where Troy is, walking around the Colosseum, touching the Parthenon, shit like that. | ||
| Can you go to really, really ancient places like that? | ||
| I know it's a different term when you say spiritual, but there's got to be a certain energy to those places. | ||
| If you really believe in that, if you really believe that... | ||
| Human energy stays in the area when the person is killed, which people believe when they believe that houses are haunted. | ||
| You know, I know a lot of people that you tell them, hey, you want to buy JonBenet Ramsey's house? | ||
| They'll go, get the fuck out of here. | ||
| They'll go, dude, it's the best house ever. | ||
| It's beautiful. | ||
| It's only like half what it would be worth if it wasn't JonBenet Ramsey's. | ||
| They'll still be like, fuck that. | ||
| I'm not living in that house. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because they think that there might be some energy in that house. | ||
| There's something left over. | ||
| Yeah, and I think that's almost even a better way of describing what it is. | ||
| You get like, you feel something when you're in that presence, like that type of greatness. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Which is that, I think you feel like a boost. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You feel like some... | ||
| Feeling when you're there. | ||
| You cannot, unless you're a total sociopath, walk into Machu Picchu and just be like, yeah, cool. | ||
| What do you guys want to do? | ||
| Are you able to grab lunch? | ||
| It's too amazing, too captivating, inspiring to just be like, I've seen it. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| I would love to go to a place where I knew there was Roman battles. | ||
| Just walk along the ground where the Coliseum is. | ||
| They let you on the ground there. | ||
| In the Colosseum. | ||
| They let you actually walk on the dirt in the middle? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They let you walk on that spot? | ||
| You don't get to walk all throughout it. | ||
| There's areas that you can walk through. | ||
| Yeah, it's like a path through the whole thing, if I remember. | ||
| Dude, eat a pot brownie and stay in the middle of the Colosseum and think of how crazy that shit is. | ||
| Could you imagine if you were blitzkrieg on one of those Joey Diaz banana bread specials that he gets from that Russian place and you went to the fucking Roman Colosseum and you stood there in the middle of that? | ||
| That'd be awesome. | ||
| Dude, can I read you this? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| I looked up this thing. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| In 1531, the Spanish expedition led by Francisco Pizarro, the guy that discovered Peru for Spain, let's say, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| The Spanish guy that came over. | ||
| He had 180 men and 37 horses, were on a quest to conquer the Incan Empire. | ||
| The Spaniards advanced to the south after receiving reinforcements, and they marched with a force of 106-foot soldiers and 62 horsemen. | ||
| And they went on to beat Atahualpa, the Incan guy, and I believe his 80,000-man army. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because they had guns? | ||
| And disease. | ||
| Like, their disease killed a huge, huge... | ||
| Holy shit! | ||
| So a couple hundred bad motherfuckers from Spain just dominated that whole place. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| And he captured... | ||
| He captured the top dog, the Spanish did. | ||
| They captured Atahualpa, and he offered to fill a large room. | ||
| They tell you this when you're there, but 22 feet long, 17 feet wide, and a height of 8 feet with gold and twice with silver within two months. | ||
| So to fill up rooms, which is gold and silver. | ||
| And the Spanish agreed to the terms, got the gold and silver, and then killed them. | ||
| Oh, shit! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Gangster style, right? | ||
| God damn. | ||
| And can you imagine if you were forced to live like back then? | ||
| Can you imagine if you were on the fucking shores of Peru or the ground in Peru and you saw the Spaniards rolling over the hill and horses and shit shooting? | ||
| shooting at you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They just decided they were just going to take over. | ||
| Motherfucker. | ||
| Could you imagine how much that would suck? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They, they were going to, he was, They did a formal, like, you're on trial. | ||
| You're guilty. | ||
| We're going to kill you now. | ||
| And they sentenced him to die by burning. | ||
| And then they, in accordance with his request, because he agreed to be baptized, then they strangled him instead. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Wow, he agreed to be baptized, and then they strangled him instead of burning him alive. | ||
| Yeah, that was the compromise. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| God damn, they got one more compromise out of him before they killed him. | ||
| Crazy, right? | ||
| It made him get baptized. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dude, people back then rocked it in an entirely different way, you know? | ||
| Back then, you really could be like a Michelle Bachman in control of the world. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, there's no internet videos from 1999 with you talking about the apocalypse and doom and... | ||
| Absolutely, man. | ||
| The fucking... | ||
| Could you imagine if you could get inside the head of any sort of a dictator from that time period? | ||
| Any sort of a king or, you know, just get it. | ||
| See how they were running shit back in like 1492 when Columbus took off. | ||
| They were... | ||
| You know? | ||
| They were... | ||
| People forget, like, Spain, that was gangster country. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| There are how many people, like, they've got to be close to 700 million or 800 million people that speak a language from, like, 3,000 miles away, because they fucking ran shit, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They swung their dicks around. | ||
| Hey, there's a hundred of us. | ||
| We're going to kill you 80,000. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, how gangster is that? | ||
| This is our shit now. | ||
| Yeah, and it's like, if they were a hundred dudes without a country, they would just be pirates. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And no one would take them seriously. | ||
| They'd be a band of pirates and ruffians. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But instead, history actually looks upon it as, you know, almost like a qualified act. | ||
| Like, well, you know, Spain attacked this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, instead of, you know, Blackbeard and his gang of thugs trying to take over North Carolina. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, instead of that, it's... | ||
| It's a whole country. | ||
| It's not qualified as thuggish when it's super thuggish. | ||
| It's totally thuggish. | ||
| It's the most gangster shit ever. | ||
| A hundred dudes take over the fucking whole country. | ||
| Unbelievable, man. | ||
| That's insane, man. | ||
| That's hard to believe. | ||
| Did they have rapid-fire guns back then, or was it a musket? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| No, no. | ||
| They did it with muskets. | ||
| Yeah, knives. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Bayonets. | ||
| He took over with muskets. | ||
| Can you imagine how stressful that would be? | ||
| Like somebody's running right towards you and you're just trying to fucking fill your musket. | ||
| Wasn't this also the case, though, that when the Spaniards came, there was a lot of confusion. | ||
| They thought the Spaniards were gods. | ||
| And so they let him in before the Spaniards took over and started killing people. | ||
| That's Cortez, right? | ||
| That might be Cortez. | ||
| Is that Cortez? | ||
| My fucking Mayan history is completely limited. | ||
| My Aztec history, all I know is the cool shit. | ||
| Like, yeah, Kukla Khan was the snake with the fucking feathers, bro. | ||
| Like, I know shit like that. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Wetzelquadl. | ||
| I know a lot of them hadn't seen horses, so they saw horses and they were like, what the fuck is that? | ||
| Didn't they think that Spaniards on horses were initially gods? | ||
| Yeah, I think they thought they were one being, too, because they came off and they're like, that thing's got four legs. | ||
| Yeah, I think there was a lot of confusion in the beginning, and they actually gave them a lot of money and let them deep in, and then they eventually realized, but if it was too late, that they weren't gods, they were just men that rode around on fucking horses. | ||
| Unbelievable, man. | ||
| That's how bad people had it back then. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's amazing that that's not that long ago. | ||
| And they would do shit like tell them, like, your whole worship shit is bullshit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's Catholic. | ||
| Like, you're Catholic. | ||
| Or you're dead. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they're like, alright, whatever. | ||
| Like, the thing they'd done for, like, the only thing they knew, which was probably, you know, the sun or, like, stars. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| These guys were like, that's not what it's like. | ||
| So, Hawaii, too, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Notice I said that with the correct ethnic terminology? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What's the word? | ||
| Annunciation? | ||
| Hawaii. | ||
| They had mercenaries or missionaries. | ||
| Same thing. | ||
| Missionaries, they're mercenaries for God. | ||
| That's all it is. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Mercenaries came to Hawaii in the 1800s and converted them to Christianity. | ||
| And, like, in the 1800s, they had their first Christian king, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they're like... | ||
| Yeah, Hawaii's a crazy situation, man. | ||
| Did you swim with dolphins when you were there last? | ||
| No, there was no dolphins. | ||
| I didn't see any dolphins. | ||
| But I did a few times ago. | ||
| Not this time, but the last time in Lanai. | ||
| It's another one of the islands. | ||
| And there you can swim with the dolphins. | ||
| The trippiest experience that I ever had was in a boat with the dolphins. | ||
| Dolphins will follow the boats and they'll play with you and jump around next to you. | ||
| It's amazing that that's five hours away by plane, yet it's America. | ||
| And if we can't wrap our head around how big that is, that's literally if you took off from Burbank and the whole country was the ocean. | ||
| The whole country. | ||
| Every state along the way. | ||
| Fucking Ohio. | ||
| It's all ocean. | ||
| And then you land in New Jersey and that's the shore. | ||
| That's how fucking far away Hawaii is. | ||
| Over the ocean. | ||
| And yet it's still considered America. | ||
| That really is. | ||
| You forget that that's colonization, right? | ||
| That's what that is. | ||
| That's gangster shit is what that is. | ||
| That's old school gangster shit. | ||
| Hawaii was taken over in the 1890s by businessmen. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| At least that's what it said when I was reading that thing. | ||
| There just were some fucking people trying to keep on keeping on out there in the middle of the ocean, living on a volcano, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Spain still has the Canary Islands. | ||
| That's off the west coast of Africa. | ||
| They're like, that's our shit still. | ||
| We're lucky that Hawaii is five hours away in a plane because that is the best spot ever. | ||
| If that was like you could drive there, people would ruin that in a week. | ||
| If you could drive to Hawaii, if they made a bridge to Hawaii, it would be backed up with cars every day, forever, and Hawaii would be covered in dirt and fucking plastic bags and cigarette butts. | ||
| It would be jacked within no time. | ||
| Yeah, it's so beautiful. | ||
| Yeah, it's the fact that you have to fly over there so you can't bring too much shit with you. | ||
| You can't keep your shit there unless you live there. | ||
| And if you live there, they give you shit if you're a fucking litter bug, you cunt. | ||
| Like, you walk along the beach. | ||
| The beaches are clean, man. | ||
| They're actually fucking clean. | ||
| Like, you see very little trash on the beach. | ||
| You know, if that was the same beach on the East Coast, it would just be everywhere you looked. | ||
| It'd be a can or a bottle or a fucking tampon or a syringe. | ||
| Like, everywhere you go, there's trash. | ||
| They can't clean it up enough. | ||
| And then it's in the water as well because, you know, the water's coming from all the way the fuck up to Maine and everything along down the way down the East Coast is all just fucking cities and shit and people... | ||
| You know, emptying their fucking toilet into the water. | ||
| So by the time it gets to where you are, it's, you know, it's disgusting. | ||
| Half of them are disgusting in comparison. | ||
| Hawaii is just pristine, man. | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| Couldn't deal with living there, though. | ||
| No? | ||
| Yeah, I was thinking there. | ||
| I went to a luau. | ||
| It's pretty badass. | ||
| Kind of interesting. | ||
| Sure, bro. | ||
| Is a luau like a party, right? | ||
| Yeah, it's like a party. | ||
| They cook a pig under the ground. | ||
| The pig was delicious. | ||
| And the dude who was one of the Hawaiian dancer dudes was an MMA fan. | ||
| He hooked me up and he gave me a piece of the cheek. | ||
| That's supposed to be the best part of the pig. | ||
| The butt cheek or the face cheek? | ||
| The face cheek. | ||
| Not the butt cheek, dude. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| But you do eat the skin. | ||
| They give you crispy skin. | ||
| They cook the skin. | ||
| It's really good, dude. | ||
| It's good. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| That's slow-cooked pigs. | ||
| Slow Cook Pig is pretty fucking spectacular. | ||
| It's amazing stuff. | ||
| But their music is whack. | ||
| You have to sit through their music. | ||
| All I was thinking was, it's a beautiful culture. | ||
| They're amazing people. | ||
| Especially, let's be honest, especially when you're going to a resort and you're spending money where they have to be nice to you. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But even outside of that, like in Maui, people are very nice. | ||
| They're just friendly. | ||
| Whenever I hear people say things like, oh, Hawaiians don't like white people, they don't like people. | ||
| Well, why not? | ||
| Is it because so many white people are cunts? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Is that possibly what it is? | ||
| My experience there is that they've always been super nice. | ||
| They're just really genuinely nice people, but so many people are douchebags. | ||
| And you're a douchebag, you come in from another country, basically, to them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| And you're littering, and you're acting like an asshole, and of course they're going to want to kick your ass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| So there's a certain amount of douchebags, I'm sure, that live in Hawaii, but for the most part, it's really nice. | ||
| But... | ||
| That music, bro. | ||
| That luau music? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There was a song that they sang about a woman selling papayas and red and green bananas. | ||
| And that was the whole fucking song. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| She's selling her papayas And her red and green banana And that's the song And I'm going fucking crazy. | ||
| I'm going crazy. | ||
| Because I just got there from the gym, too. | ||
| I worked out. | ||
| They have a nice gym there at the hotel. | ||
| So I got in a full fucking four days of power training there, son. | ||
| I worked out hard there. | ||
| So I felt good. | ||
| Which kept me together. | ||
| But the whole time I was in the gym, I was listening to some old school Leonard Skinner. | ||
| I got really into Leonard Skinner this week. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They got some fucking jams, dude. | ||
| Tearing shit up. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| I just got into the whole idea of these dirty white guys from Florida drinking and singing. | ||
| It's a fucking good vibe. | ||
| Some of their songs are fucking great, man. | ||
| Freebird's kind of a long song. | ||
| There's parts that are not that fun. | ||
| But when they start, Lord, I can't change. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So won't you fly free bird? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Dude, when you're lifting and that fucking shit comes on, you're like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
You just want to fucking fire up some extra sense. | |
| Boo! | ||
| So I heard that. | ||
| I just heard Free Bird. | ||
| I just heard, you know, The Ballad of Curtis Lowe. | ||
| I just heard, you know, I just heard all the cool shit. | ||
| They call me the Breeze. | ||
| It's like beer drinking guys that like to fucking rock and roll. | ||
| And I'm sitting here, and I pop a breath strip, of course. | ||
| I want a full Hawaii experience. | ||
| I'm sitting here at this luau, baked to the gills, trying to keep an eye on the kids, drinking pina coladas, listening to some whack-ass music. | ||
| And while I'm sitting there, I'm having a great-ass time in Hawaii. | ||
| The weather's beautiful. | ||
| It's paradise. | ||
| I'm thinking, God damn, how awesome would it be if they just said, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Leonard Skinner. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha ha. | |
| And the Hawaiian guys step aside. | ||
| And somehow or another, Ronnie Van Zandt is still alive. | ||
| And they fucking start jamming. | ||
| Leonard Skittert out there on the beach. | ||
| I would pay $100,000 for that shit. | ||
| Alright? | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| I mean, fucking then it would be an amazing vacation. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're making me listen to... | ||
|
unidentified
|
And her red and green banana. | |
| Other cultures, I don't know why some music is so, so bad. | ||
| This shit's brutal. | ||
| A lot of, like, you go to, like, you know, look at research, like, Eastern European countries, and their fucking music, their traditional music is like, what the fuck is that? | ||
| It's Borat shit. | ||
| Yeah, it totally is Borat shit. | ||
| That's why Borat's so good. | ||
| And they all are really like that. | ||
| And it's some guy with some creepy fucking mustache who's like... | ||
| And none of it really sounds like it has a melody or a rhythm. | ||
| And they're going crazy like that's the best song ever. | ||
| That's the song that the goat doesn't drink out of the fountain because that's where you live. | ||
| And you're like, what is the meaning behind it? | ||
| What's up with Mexican music? | ||
| Same kind of thing, right? | ||
| Like, every single song sounds like an ice cream truck going down the street. | ||
| I mean, it's like... | ||
| There's a type of the mariachi music, you know. | ||
| The good mariachi music with good trumpets. | ||
| Like, when you hear, like... | ||
| Oscar De La Hoya stepping into the ring. | ||
| When he's walking down the aisle, stepping into the ring, he brings with him a badass mariachi band. | ||
| These motherfuckers are on top of shit. | ||
| When they're doing that shit, man, these guys are badass to watch. | ||
| They're experts. | ||
| They're doing the real shit. | ||
| There's some bullshit down there. | ||
| There's some wack-ass mariachis. | ||
| There's some wack-ass stand-up. | ||
| What a big culture is in Mexico that cowboys are, right? | ||
| You know cowboys? | ||
| We have country music. | ||
| A lot of that shit you're hearing, that you're like, what is that? | ||
| That's their country music. | ||
| That's why you're like, this fucking shit's terrible, man. | ||
| They do have regular music, right? | ||
| They do. | ||
| They have pop music. | ||
| That's the only music I've ever heard. | ||
| When we were in San Diego, I was listening to a rap station that was in Mexico. | ||
| And there was also one station that we went on where we were allowed to swear because their station, their tower was actually located in Mexico. | ||
| And even though we were in San Diego, they were a Mexican station. | ||
| And so we were allowed to swear on the air. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I was like, that is fucking crazy. | ||
| He goes, don't do it too much, but you can swear a little. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| That is cool. | ||
| It was weird. | ||
| Well, it's cool, but look at this fucking thing we're doing right now. | ||
| We don't have to worry about any of that bullshit anymore. | ||
| This fucking radio seems so obsolete now. | ||
| And I do radio, and I love doing it. | ||
| Don't get me wrong. | ||
| It's always nice, and Kevin and Bean are my favorite. | ||
| As far as people that are still on radio, they're my favorite show to come in because it's in LA and I can do it all the time, but God, I always have to watch what I'm saying. | ||
| I always have to wonder if I could say this or say that. | ||
| You've got to be careful. | ||
| Yeah, I've had some really bad radio experiences lately. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Just like shit where you're like, man, can you do a little bit to add to this? | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| I've had one where I get there and they're like, the green room's over there, we'll come get you. | ||
| And you're like, alright. | ||
| You just sit down, you're in the green room. | ||
| And then the guy comes in, he's like, hey, so, how you doing? | ||
| You'll be on the next segment. | ||
| Like, we don't really do interviews or anything. | ||
| It's like, just, you know, be funny. | ||
| And I'll be like, what? | ||
| And they're like, it's all on you, man. | ||
| Just be funny. | ||
| And I'm like, just be funny? | ||
| Like, we're just gonna... | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| You want me to start doing jokes? | ||
| They're like, just, you know, your chance to do whatever you want to do. | ||
| I'm like, well, can we just, like, talk? | ||
| Do you want us to ask you something specifically? | ||
| I'm like, we can't have a regular... | ||
| You don't want to just make it an organic... | ||
| Conversation. | ||
| Yeah, can we just do that? | ||
| We don't really do that here. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, they tried to get me to not do that on the Bob and Tom show. | ||
| Some guy came in. | ||
| Bob and Tom were cool as fuck. | ||
| They're cool guys. | ||
| They were very cool guys. | ||
| Once I actually got in to meet them, but before I got to meet them, there was some dude that was like, give me the stink eye. | ||
| And he goes, well, what specifically do you want them to talk to you about? | ||
| And I go, I go, dude, anything. | ||
| I go, I'm low maintenance. | ||
| Let's just talk. | ||
| Let's have a good time. | ||
| Well, they need things to lead you into. | ||
| I go, dude, I can't do that. | ||
| I'm not going to tell you that I'm going to talk about this or I'm going to talk about that. | ||
| That's going to sound gross. | ||
| Let's just sit down. | ||
| We're going to have some fun. | ||
| Don't worry about it. | ||
| And he gave me this stink eye like I was... | ||
| Unprofessional. | ||
| Do you know that this is the Bob and Tom show? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Bob and Tom show is a fucking huge show. | ||
| Yeah, it's huge. | ||
| It's syndicated all across the country. | ||
| They probably have millions of listeners. | ||
| They got a lot of fucking listeners. | ||
| They help a lot of comedians. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| I've been on that show a number of times and they're always awesome to me. | ||
| They're great guys. | ||
| This dude was giving me a stink eye. | ||
| But, you know, in his defense, it's probably what he's supposed to do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, that's his fucking job, and I'm ruining it, you know, like I'm some hot shot, just gonna come in here and sling dick. | ||
| I had another one who I did call in, and the guy's like, alright, so you're gonna be on in a minute. | ||
| Just like, you know, you got a couple jokes ready to go? | ||
| And I was like, I guess. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| And then he's like, alright, so, then they pushed me on, and the guy's like, hey, you're gonna be at the club. | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| Everybody go see him. | ||
| All right, man. | ||
| Now, before you do your thing, we're going to have you do your thing right here. | ||
| And I'm like, nah. | ||
| Like, I'm just going to start going into the act. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, my God. | |
| That's so gross. | ||
| Yeah, and we just talked for a minute, and he's like, let us hear it. | ||
| Just go right into Ralphie Mae's act. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Just go right into Ralphie Mae's act and tell him that you did it, too. | ||
| Say, Ralphie, man, I just went right into your act. | ||
| I just started doing you. | ||
| Don't even do it yourself. | ||
| Make it an inside joke. | ||
| Yeah, I should, right? | ||
| Do somebody else's material. | ||
| I'll turn it into Tom. | ||
| Yeah, do on purpose. | ||
| Have an agreement with someone. | ||
| Listen, if I'm ever in a bad situation and they want me to do my own material, I'm going to do it very badly, but I'm going to do your stuff. | ||
| Do it. | ||
| Yeah, okay. | ||
| And you make a deal. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because otherwise it's like, go ahead, tell us, what do you think is funny these days, man? | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| And you're like, oh. | ||
| I had a conversation with, I'm an out, I don't give a fuck, Cheech from Cheech and Chong at a party once. | ||
| And he's like, what are you talking about on stage? | ||
| I go, oh, you know, whatever. | ||
| Whatever I think is interesting. | ||
| You know, whatever is going on in my life. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| So what are you talking about now? | ||
| Like, tell me some of your material. | ||
| I go, what? | ||
| What? | ||
| This is what I said to him. | ||
| What? | ||
| What did you say? | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| Fuck out of here. | ||
| I'm not telling you my material. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This is what I... That's gross. | ||
| Yeah, it is gross. | ||
| You know, if you ever want to come to a show... | ||
| And, well, the thing is, too, like... | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| He kept going, too. | ||
| Like, so what are you... | ||
| Come on, tell me what you're talking about. | ||
| I'm like, what? | ||
| This is really what it comes down to, too. | ||
| Like, it's like... | ||
| All you have to do, if you have a comedy... | ||
| If you're a radio station or whatever, a DJ... Is just have the minimum amount... | ||
| Like, feign interest in who's in front of you... | ||
| Just a little bit. | ||
| And you can get a conversation going that's going to be interesting and funny. | ||
| And usually if it's somebody famous, like if you, they go, it's already in their head. | ||
| So they'll be like, I love news radio. | ||
| So they'll ask you, what about this? | ||
| And they can get something going. | ||
| But if they don't know who you are, they don't recognize you, they sometimes, not all of them, but some of them will literally just be like, so what's up? | ||
| And you're on the air and you're like, I flew in. | ||
| I'm like, what? | ||
| I'm tired. | ||
| And they're like, do you want to get into your shit? | ||
| And you're like, really? | ||
| I'm just going to fucking dance around right now? | ||
| Maybe it's people that just don't understand stand-up. | ||
| I guess, man. | ||
| It always makes it like, this is weird. | ||
| And then you leave there like, that wasn't a promotion for the show. | ||
| That was just awkwardness. | ||
| Yeah, that was really awkward and painful. | ||
| I don't want anything to do with that again. | ||
| I don't think a lot of those guys that are doing radio want to be doing it that way either. | ||
| There's a lot of them that are stuck with a real format they have to follow. | ||
| That's a bitch, dude. | ||
| When you're hanging around people and there's shit they can't talk about anymore and there's breaks they have to hit. | ||
| But that just sounds like people just suck at radio. | ||
| They do, yeah. | ||
| Some of them do. | ||
| Some of them just don't. | ||
| I think if you just look up one thing on somebody you can be like, what's up with this dude? | ||
| Well, I think a lot of people are not that interesting. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's the reality of it. | ||
| They shouldn't really be DJs, but they've worked hard at it, and they've pushed themselves into a situation where they're on the radio all the time, and they actually have a little bit of a following, and they get a little bit of an ego behind it, and they think they're special. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'd like to buy a book of just like a thousand people doing their stink eye. | ||
| Like different versions of their stink eye. | ||
| It would have to be a legit stink eye though. | ||
| I know. | ||
| What's your stink eye? | ||
| Let me see your stink eye. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You'd have to say something stupid again. | ||
| I'll give it to you, bitch. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| Ready? | ||
| I shaved my balls the other day and I have a mole and I forgot about it and I cut it off. | ||
| Is that okay? | ||
| Yeah, you should probably... | ||
| You'll be okay. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Moles can be cut off, right? | ||
| Well, your balls are probably like a fucking water balloon, and that's going to be a hole where all your loads are going to leak out of. | ||
| Next time you come, it's going to be like dust. | ||
| It's one of those big, weird ones that some people have under their eyes sometimes. | ||
| This is, son. | ||
| Put a Band-Aid on that bitch and don't worry about it. | ||
| If it starts to swell up and hurt, go to a doctor. | ||
| Clean it off. | ||
| I just have the one. | ||
| It was like one of those ones that stick out a little. | ||
| That's called a wart. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| It's a mole. | ||
| I've had it since I was a little baby. | ||
| Yeah, you might want to get it free. | ||
| Look, one in five. | ||
| It's not really. | ||
| It's round. | ||
| Whatever, dog. | ||
| That's how it is. | ||
| Get that shit shape. | ||
| It's gone now. | ||
| It is. | ||
| Most of it is gone or the whole thing? | ||
| I think I cut the whole thing off. | ||
| Damn, man. | ||
| That's a commitment. | ||
| It hurt like crazy. | ||
| That seems kind of stupid. | ||
| Did you like halfway cut it off and figure, well, now that I'm here, why not just pick at it until it looks like symmetrical? | ||
| It was a Gillette sensor. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, so it sliced it right off? | |
| It sliced it right off. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Did you get Gillette sensors from, did Callan hook you up? | ||
| Yeah, he gave me a whole trunk full. | ||
| Did he really? | ||
| No. | ||
| Callan's doing a Gillette sensor commercial. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It's all over fucking TV. That and Lil' Esther and the Bing commercial. | ||
| How are Callan's Gillette sensor commercials? | ||
| Eh, it's just commercial. | ||
| Like, fake game show. | ||
| He's like the spokesman. | ||
| He's like the fake host. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's such a talented guy. | ||
| I'm always confused as to why that guy's not huge. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| As long as I've known him, I'm like, there's going to be one day where someone's going to figure out that Brian Cowan's one of the funniest people on the planet. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| Explodes. | ||
| He's going to be on huge movies. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, he is in some of these movies. | ||
| He has little parts. | ||
| Right, little parts. | ||
| Dude, that guy's so fucking funny. | ||
| He's one of the funniest people I've ever met in my life. | ||
| Yeah, he's really fucking funny, man. | ||
| He's thinking about doing a podcast. | ||
| He's on the cusp right now. | ||
| Isn't he, Brian? | ||
| Did you talk to him about it? | ||
| No, I've never talked to him about it. | ||
| He's eventually going to do it. | ||
| I know he is. | ||
| He's perfect for it. | ||
| He's got a mountain of information inside of his head. | ||
| Not all of it correct, but that's alright. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who does? | |
| He's fascinating. | ||
| He'll own up to it, though. | ||
| He's like, oh yeah, I fucked up about that one. | ||
| I'll call him on the phone the next day. | ||
| Yo, I got a lot of Twitters about some shit you said. | ||
| Yeah, I fucked up a few of those. | ||
| Oh, but full disclosure, I might have fucked up tons of information. | ||
| With the Machu Picchu shit? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| So don't email me. | ||
| Don't tell me how wrong I was. | ||
| You've been up there twice? | ||
| Three times, yeah. | ||
| Have you ever been to any of the Mayan sites, like Chichen Itza? | ||
| No, never. | ||
| I've only been to Chichen Itza, but that was enough. | ||
| That was enough to freak me the fuck out. | ||
| It did, right? | ||
| What did you think when you first saw that? | ||
| Well, I've been a huge fan of the Mayan culture and how bizarre they were and how their writing was in this weird sort of hieroglyphic... | ||
| I mean, so I'd really gotten into it. | ||
| I read a lot of books about it before I ever went down there. | ||
| And then once I went down there, I was like, this is so incredible. | ||
| You know, it's just hard to believe that these people from, you know, X amount of thousands of years ago created this and then it's still here. | ||
| But the thing that really sealed it for me was I got a guy who was a local professor who was one of the guides. | ||
| And you paid him. | ||
| You know, I paid him like whatever it was. | ||
| I gave him like double what he was supposed to make because he was super cool. | ||
| And he takes me on this tour, a personal one-on-one tour. | ||
| And we go to all these different spots, and he explains what they created this for, and what it's designed for. | ||
| And he took me to this one spot, and he's like, this is the place where they would do the lysergic acid that they would take from all these plants. | ||
| And this is where they would have psychedelic rituals, and they'd probably eat mushrooms. | ||
| And he's telling me about all these different things they did. | ||
| And that's when the whole Mayan thing had pieced together for me, because I had just started doing mushrooms. | ||
| I'd just had a couple of trips before I'd ever went there. | ||
| So then when I went there... | ||
| And I saw that these people were fucking trippers. | ||
| I'm like, oh, well that explains so much. | ||
| I was wondering, why would anybody build these crazy geometric patterns that mirror the cosmos and these incredible elaborate stone structures? | ||
| Like, what was going on? | ||
| Oh, they were tripping their balls off. | ||
| Do they tell you that too? | ||
| He explains you like that. | ||
| He did. | ||
| The professor did, yeah. | ||
| He went into depth about it because I told him that's something I was really interested in. | ||
| And I said, I'm always fascinated by the different ways that ancient cultures altered their state of consciousness, whether it was alcohol or the peyote for the Indians or whatever. | ||
| And so he also had a lot of knowledge about that particular area. | ||
| So he talked to me in depth. | ||
| About what they believe happened, and this is what they were used for rituals, and certain symbols indicate that they used certain different psychedelic plants and mushrooms. | ||
| Fucking, of course that's what happened. | ||
| I mean, you know, they tripped balls, they had some crazy ideas, and then it got a little out of hand. | ||
| A little out of hand. | ||
| They always get out of hand, man. | ||
| Especially those South American fucking cultures. | ||
| It's too hot down there, dude. | ||
| People get wacky. | ||
| Start slicing people open. | ||
| Yeah, you fucking don't drink enough water. | ||
| Next thing you know, you're making a human sacrifice. | ||
| Yeah, that shit's crazy, right? | ||
| Human sacrifice. | ||
| They did a lot of it. | ||
| Like, ritually, yeah. | ||
| You know, there's speculation about that game that they played. | ||
| You know, that football game. | ||
| Which they believed at one point in time they played with human heads. | ||
| They don't necessarily believe that anymore. | ||
| They believe they may have played some games with human heads. | ||
| But they believe that the winners of the game were the ones who got sacrificed. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They don't know. | ||
| I mean, there's some speculation. | ||
| So everyone tried to lose as much as possible? | ||
| So this was at least... | ||
| I mean, there's an amazing National Geographic special on decoding Maya. | ||
| I think it's actually called that decoding Maya about how hard it's been to decode their language and try to figure out what the fuck... | ||
| You know, these guys we're talking about, it's so complex. | ||
| But, you know, just that alone, you know, all their structures they left behind, the amazing sophistication of their culture, and yet they're still killing people and sacrificing people. | ||
| And maybe killing the winners. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, like, what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| What were you doing? | ||
| You're the best, man. | ||
| What were they doing? | ||
| But in a way that makes sense, right? | ||
| Yeah, if they were just fucking tripping balls, hardcore, all the time. | ||
| That's what I think it was. | ||
| It almost, like, that is what would happen. | ||
| What would happen to a society if you were just fucking tripping your balls out all the time? | ||
| Well, you would make these incredible pyramids, and you would keep making them doper and doper, like Chichen Itza. | ||
| And Chichen Itza is amazing, man. | ||
| It's just incredible. | ||
| One structure after another, and you... | ||
| Mind-blowing shit. | ||
| And then you would start playing football with human heads. | ||
| You would just go deep. | ||
| And you would want to kill people because you would know that they would go to the next place. | ||
| And the next place would be amazing. | ||
| Because you've already been there. | ||
| Because you're tripping balls. | ||
| So you're tripping balls while you're cutting someone's beating heart out. | ||
| You're watching them. | ||
| As you're tripping your balls off, you're watching them transfer into the next dimension. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Too much mushrooms. | ||
| That keeps you awake at night, for sure. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| But look, man, if you look at all these different things that are here, the Chichen Itza's, the Gobekli Tepli in Turkey, all these different things that are here that show that there's been all these different ancient civilizations that existed for so long. | ||
| I wonder how many of them were inspired by drugs. | ||
| I wonder how many of them were inspired by some dude who picked something up, ate it, and had this fucking crazy, freaky idea... | ||
| Here's what we gotta do. | ||
| We're building a city up here in the mountains. | ||
| We probably lost contact with all that shit. | ||
| And things are nice and easy now, so we don't need psychedelic drugs to try to figure out the world anymore. | ||
| At least we don't think we do. | ||
| That's probably what the fuck's going on. | ||
| That's probably why this world's falling apart. | ||
| If we could write it somehow, that would be the way. | ||
| Just a massive mushroom day. | ||
| Do you know how much a mushroom day would do for this world? | ||
| A national mushroom day would change America forever. | ||
| Forever. | ||
| We just had one day. | ||
| If we had a national mushroom day where they opened up places where people could buy mushrooms and they had medical staff waiting 24 hours a day for people who were freaking out and you signed up and you went into these fucking bunk rooms and everyone took it together and everyone was cool and they had security around a lot of people that weren't high. | ||
| That's the whole thing you want to know, right? | ||
| It's like you want to be told everything's going to be alright. | ||
| That would be cool except for like 75% of the population probably suck. | ||
| A lot of people would freak out. | ||
| A lot of people would freak out, but my man, the people who didn't freak out would, even if they did freak out, they'd probably learn something from it and everybody would come back with a reinvigorated sense of who we are and how we interface with each other on this planet. | ||
| No doubt about that. | ||
| How many times have you done it? | ||
| Have you done it a lot? | ||
| Seven? | ||
| Seven times? | ||
| Mushrooms? | ||
| Yeah, DMT and mushrooms, both about the same times. | ||
| How about you, a lot? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hundreds. | |
| Hundreds? | ||
| I mean, I've been doing it since I was 15. He's the worst poster boy ever for mushrooms, right? | ||
| This motherfucker. | ||
| He's just like the Mayans. | ||
| Do you worship plume serpents? | ||
| No. | ||
| No? | ||
| That's crazy, man. | ||
| That's a lot. | ||
| I've never done that. | ||
| Well, I used to do acid a lot, but then I switched just to mushrooms when I was like 25. It's like I was doing Marlboros, but I went to Marlboro Lights. | ||
| I switched to just mushrooms, you know. | ||
| That's how I took my non-reality. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| I was thinking about doing it in Montana when I was there last weekend, but then I was like, that'd be a place to do it. | ||
| Badass, but there's too many. | ||
| There was people there, by the way, I didn't even tell you about this yet. | ||
| At the hotel, there was these two guys on motorcycles, and they had this little girl that was four years old, and they were checking in, and I was behind them. | ||
| So they were riding on a motorcycle with a four-year-old? | ||
| Yeah, it was weird, man. | ||
| I guess you could do that, right? | ||
| If you were in charge of a four-year-old, you could probably take them on a bike. | ||
| I don't know if that's legal. | ||
| Yeah, and so they go into the hotel, and they're like, yeah, we need a bedroom. | ||
| And they're like, how many beds? | ||
| And they're just like, one. | ||
| And then I was like, wait, there's two guys and a little girl. | ||
| And I'm like, okay. | ||
| Maybe that's all I can afford. | ||
| No, I mean, beds. | ||
| I mean, beds. | ||
| Oh, you could get a... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Doesn't it cost more money for a room with two beds? | ||
| Usually, I don't think it does, but whatever. | ||
| And then later, I saw them again, and they were in the pool. | ||
| One of the guys was in the pool with the little girl, and he goes... | ||
| I'm the best uncle ever, right there, daughter? | ||
| Or dear? | ||
| And I'm like, is he saying that louder on purposes because I'm walking by or something? | ||
| Well, you thought he was? | ||
| It was just really awkward. | ||
| You thought he was putting on a show? | ||
| You call him his uncle and then he's really giving her some dick? | ||
| It was really awkward. | ||
| Anyway, so then I was like, you know what? | ||
| I'm not going to eat mushrooms here. | ||
| I'm just going to... | ||
| Yeah, I think you need to be really aware of your environment if you want to start fucking around. | ||
| So if you already have some thoughts going on that are negative or something... | ||
| Well, I think this is how I would recommend you go about it. | ||
| Number one... | ||
| If anybody wants to do anything psychedelic, if you wanted to have a guideline of how to have a psychedelic experience, number one, plan on doing it. | ||
| That's number one. | ||
| Say you're going to give yourself X amount of time and then you're going to do it. | ||
| And in between that, take care of your health. | ||
| Eat good foods. | ||
| Don't eat anything fucked up. | ||
| Fast, fast though. | ||
| The day you do it, though. | ||
| Fast the day you do it. | ||
| But keep your body clean. | ||
| You'll feel better. | ||
| Do some yoga. | ||
| Do some yoga the day before you do any sort of a psychedelic experience. | ||
| If you can do it for a couple days, a week, for two weeks, and then have the experience, you want to be relaxed. | ||
| You want to be as calm and as at peace with yourself. | ||
| And then I would recommend, if you can, get to a tank. | ||
| Do an isolation tank. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Tripping balls on mushrooms? | ||
| Because you can find yourself in the tank, and then when you meet yourself when you're on mushrooms, it won't be as shocking. | ||
| Because you'd already found yourself in the tank. | ||
| You're like, okay, here I am again. | ||
| Okay, but this time I'm ready for this, and I'm going to skate through this. | ||
| I'm going to realize what this is all about. | ||
| Because in the tank, you can always just stop it. | ||
| You can't stop the mushroom trip. | ||
| In the tank, if you're freaking out in the tank, you can just open your eyes, stand up, and get out, and you're sober like that. | ||
| It's instantaneous. | ||
| It's a natural psychedelic experience. | ||
| And your body can snap right back to normal consciousness. | ||
| So you mean not tripping? | ||
| Just tank. | ||
| Just tank. | ||
| Tank by itself is a trip. | ||
| You don't need to do anything. | ||
| Just a little bit. | ||
| Two hits is all you need. | ||
| Go in that tank and... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boom! | |
| You've done it? | ||
| You've done the tank, right? | ||
| No. | ||
| Never? | ||
| It's a pussy, bro. | ||
| You don't want to? | ||
| It's a pussy. | ||
| He's got no balls. | ||
| You don't want to try that? | ||
| Cut his balls with a razor. | ||
| They're drained out. | ||
| Honestly, to me, it seems like I would probably enjoy it, but I get the idea in my head, and I'm like, yeah, I'm sure it'll be relaxing and nice. | ||
| I've talked about it too much, and now it's fucked, and he'll never be able to go into it, because he gets in there and he'll just be thinking about me talking about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, his head will pop in my face, and I'll go through a tunnel. | |
| Come with me! | ||
| I do want to try that. | ||
| I'll try that. | ||
| You should have tried it a long time ago. | ||
| You should definitely try it. | ||
| Then, once you do that, then you're prepared. | ||
| Then you're going to prepare yourself. | ||
| Have a couple tank experiences. | ||
| Then jump into the wonderful world of mushrooms. | ||
| But not until then. | ||
| Prepare yourself. | ||
| And that's the problem, man. | ||
| That's the problem with it being illegal. | ||
| If that shit was legal, we could open up centers and we could fix people. | ||
| We could help a lot of people. | ||
| Not we. | ||
| Not me. | ||
| I'm not opening up shit. | ||
| Don't ask me. | ||
| No, I'm not joining your business. | ||
| No. | ||
| No, not a limited LLC. No, no, I ain't got no time. | ||
| I mean we as in the human race. | ||
| There was a lot of shrooms, I think. | ||
| I was in Asheville, North Carolina. | ||
| Ooh, there's a lot of shrooms up there. | ||
| A lot of shrooms there. | ||
| That's a good place for shrooming. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| I did the Asheville Comedy Festival this past weekend. | ||
| Oh, this past weekend? | ||
| This past weekend. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I didn't even know they had a comedy show. | ||
| Who were you up there with? | ||
| It was called Laugh Your Asheville Off is the name of the festival. | ||
| It's a clever play on words. | ||
| By the way, I'm taking my alpha brainwave formula right now. | ||
| You got vitamins, man. | ||
| I take three. | ||
| These are our brain pills. | ||
| They're a super brain pill. | ||
| I didn't take them earlier. | ||
| That's why I sound so stupid. | ||
| By the way, Chris is coming into town next month. | ||
| He's not Chris anymore. | ||
| I know. | ||
| He changed his name to Aubrey. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who? | |
| What? | ||
| We're going to show you positive and negative examples of drugs. | ||
| I'm a much nicer person because of drugs. | ||
| Me, I'm much nicer, much more introspective. | ||
| But, you know, Brian's done mushrooms a hundred times. | ||
| I listen to him talk. | ||
| And then you've got our friend Chris who changed his name to Aubrey. | ||
| After he had some ayahuasca experiences. | ||
| Seriously? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| My man went, deep. | ||
| Deep, deep, deep into the jungles of the mind to the point where he wanted to stop being the person who he was. | ||
| So he changed his fucking name. | ||
| Shazam. | ||
| The alpha brain formula is coming out soon. | ||
| Did he send you the pictures? | ||
| It looks like they end up hangover credits. | ||
| Don't say that. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| This is my shit that we're going to be selling. | ||
| It's Nootropics. | ||
| We're done with this. | ||
| He's coming the end of July. | ||
| End of July, early August. | ||
| And then we're going to... | ||
| It'll launch right after that. | ||
| What it is, it's basically the highest level brain nutrients that we can find. | ||
| Mix them all together. | ||
| And Chris, excuse me, Aubrey, worked very hard on this formula and tweaked it. | ||
| And, you know, it's basically all the information is available online. | ||
| And all this stuff is available. | ||
| It's good for you. | ||
| We don't have anything... | ||
| There's nothing in here that you can't buy individually. | ||
| So, I mean, if you can't afford this or if, you know, you want to try it yourself, you can always just find out what the ingredients are and go replicate it yourself. | ||
| But... | ||
| What we've done is we've put it all together into one pill form, and you take it, and it does something. | ||
| I don't know exactly what you could say it does, but it makes you feel sharper. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It makes your brain fire better. | ||
| Oh, for sure. | ||
| It makes me feel less tired when I have jet lag. | ||
| When I check into hotels, I take three of them as soon as I land, and I always feel much better. | ||
| I feel much more relaxed when I wake up. | ||
| It's weird, dude. | ||
| My dreams are insane. | ||
| That's why I had my Arnold Schwarzenegger dream. | ||
| You take this too? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know what revision that one is. | ||
| This is the newest of the newest. | ||
| Okay, yeah. | ||
| I'm on the... | ||
| I had the first revision. | ||
| Dude, stuff is amazing. | ||
| What's it called again? | ||
| Well, we have... | ||
| Let me see what we're calling it right now. | ||
| It's Alpha. | ||
| He's calling it Alpha. | ||
| But it's on Onnit Labs. | ||
| It's Onnit.com. | ||
| Onnit.com or Onnit Labs. | ||
| Is it Onnit Labs? | ||
| Yeah, I think it's just Onnit.com, maybe. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| But they also make a product called Roll On and Roll Off. | ||
| When I do shrooms, I do Roll On before I do shrooms, and then the next day I do Roll On. | ||
| Yeah, to balance out your neurochemistry. | ||
| Yeah, it's Onnit.com. | ||
| Balance out your fucking brain juice. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So... | ||
| I think we just crashed this server. | ||
| Did we? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Shit. | ||
| Oh, but Asheville. | ||
| Back to Asheville. | ||
| Great. | ||
| It's a really cool festival because it's smaller than like... | ||
| The big festivals are just... | ||
| They're fun. | ||
| They're really well... | ||
| Run, but they're massive. | ||
| You know, they're massive. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Huge things where it's like, you know, there's countless shows going on and everything is like, you almost lose kind of, you know, sense of where you are and like, where am I supposed to be? | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| And this is small enough. | ||
| It's the fifth year they did it. | ||
| Have you been to Montreal? | ||
| That's the biggest one, right? | ||
| Yeah, well, I did Melbourne a few months ago. | ||
| Is that bigger? | ||
| That is, I think so. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It's huge. | ||
| Huge. | ||
| I heard that a lot of the international guys are really bad. | ||
| I mean, I didn't see that many shows. | ||
| I saw, like, because I was doing shows, so I was like, you know, we check out some shows. | ||
| I didn't even hear that. | ||
| I'm just talking shit. | ||
| Oh, you really? | ||
| I just wanted to see if you could talk some shit. | ||
| Trying to pull you into a shit target. | ||
| Fuck, man! | ||
| I always root for people in other countries to be hilarious. | ||
| Yeah, no, I saw some really funny... | ||
| I saw this Irish dude, fuck, I forget his name, who was hilarious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| He didn't put on a traditional stand-up show. | ||
| It was more like, you know, a performance. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, in what sense? | ||
| Just that, like, he brought people on stage and he would do shit, but he was just genuinely funny, like a funny guy. | ||
| And, like, you know, like he... | ||
| Like music cues would come on, he'd fucking... | ||
| Scottish seemed to have a good sense of humor. | ||
| Great sense of humor, yeah. | ||
| Like that Billy Connolly guy. | ||
| He's a solid stand-up. | ||
| Australians were... | ||
| They were all... | ||
| The crowds were great. | ||
| Everybody was great. | ||
| Do you ever feel like English comics get extra props because of their accent? | ||
| Like there's certain dudes that get extra credit? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| And I also feel like they give themselves extra credit for being clever. | ||
| They'll kind of be like, you didn't get that dumb shit? | ||
| Well, that was a fucking brilliant thing that I just said. | ||
| I like Stuart Lee. | ||
| Do you know who he is? | ||
| The English guy? | ||
| No. | ||
| Some interesting stuff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Very funny stuff. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I always wonder, how would that translate in America? | ||
| Because he has this really slow style that sort of depends on everyone paying attention and everyone being polite. | ||
| There's more of that. | ||
| In the audiences, definitely in Australia, at least at these festival shows, where you get a very polite listening audience. | ||
| England's very polite. | ||
| Even the rowdy people in England are polite. | ||
| I've had some shows where people are yelling out crazy shit, but they were polite in how they were doing it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I'm doing Birmingham. | ||
| You should go home, Yank, please. | ||
| They weren't that bad. | ||
| No one was being mean. | ||
| They were just yelling shit out. | ||
| But I'm doing Birmingham. | ||
| Just trying to figure out the date. | ||
| So I'm going to do it with Doug Benson. | ||
| And yeah, there's a UFC in Birmingham. | ||
| So we're going to book something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
In England. | |
| In England, yeah, in November. | ||
| I did that. | ||
| I did Birmingham with Russell Peters. | ||
| Yeah, Birmingham's awesome. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I did that a while ago. | ||
| That was his tune-up show. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| For 7,500 people. | ||
| His tune-up show? | ||
| That was the warm-up for the arena. | ||
| Did you do the O2 arena with him? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Holy shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| We warmed up for 7,500 people. | ||
| Russell Peters is the biggest stand-up comic in the world, and people don't even realize that. | ||
| They don't even realize it. | ||
| I know a lot of people that have no idea who he is, and it's crazy to me. | ||
| I'm like, you don't know who Russell Peters is. | ||
| You've never heard that name? | ||
| You go to another country and you say that name, or you put his name on the Staples Center or whatever, it'll fucking sell out. | ||
| 18,000 seats will sell out. | ||
| Dude, did I tell you? | ||
| I told somebody that his audience at O2 especially was like, He's packed the O2 arena to tell jokes, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| And you do like 20 minutes, and the set goes well, and you get laughs, and you're like, this is amazing. | ||
| You finish, and they give you like a nice applaud. | ||
| And then you think you have a gauge for how loud that's going to be. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like when you're in a club, and you hit a punchline, you're like, wow. | ||
| And then if you really kill, you're like, so that's how it can get loud. | ||
| And you gauge how loud that is. | ||
| I thought that because I had gotten laughs during my set, like, well, that's what it'll sound like. | ||
| Man, when they said... | ||
| He had an intro to him coming on stage, and the intro was pre-recorded by Michael Buffer, the ring announcer, and he does a whole build-up. | ||
| That place fucking exploded. | ||
| They were like, the Beatles are alive, and they're here, and you guys are going to see them for one show only. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Screaming that made all the hair on your neck stand up goosebumps and you're like, like you crouched because the noise is overwhelming. | ||
| It was like they said, fucking Jesus has walked into the building. | ||
| I'm going to ask Bruce Buffer to introduce me on my next special. | ||
| How tight is that? | ||
| I feel like I've got to have Joey Diaz do it because Joey Diaz has done every one that I've ever done. | ||
| Everything that I've ever done except for my Houston CD that I recorded in 99, Joey Diaz has introduced me to. | ||
| It doesn't get much better than that. | ||
| I bypassed the Comedy Works in Denver. | ||
| I love ya, but you won't put Joey Diaz on the menu. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| So I'm doing a theater in... | ||
| What am I doing? | ||
| Just put it up today. | ||
| It's on your website and Twitter right now. | ||
| It's not on Ustream, son. | ||
| We're doing a theater in... | ||
| Denver, Colorado. | ||
| The Paramount Theater. | ||
| And Joey Diaz can finally do it. | ||
| Every time I've gone to the Comedy Works in Denver, Joey can't work the Comedy Works. | ||
| He had some sort of a disagreement with somebody back in the day. | ||
| Unfortunately. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That sucks. | |
| I know. | ||
| I hid my weed at the... | ||
| Comedy Works. | ||
| We could always go back. | ||
| Okay, can we go back just for like two minutes? | ||
| Yeah, we could do a set, maybe a late night set on Saturday night. | ||
| That's possible, too. | ||
| I'll be there in a couple weeks. | ||
| I'll grab it for you. | ||
| No, I won't be at that club. | ||
| I'll be in a different club. | ||
| I'll be at the Denver Improv, but I'll go over there and grab you. | ||
| I'll find out who's there. | ||
| No one's going to the Comedy Works. | ||
| 923 Denver Comedy Works. | ||
| We could find out who's there, and if they're cool, we can hang with them. | ||
| Yeah, that'd be cool. | ||
| When do you guys go? | ||
| The Denver one is going to be in September 23rd. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Should be fun. | ||
| Denver's fucking awesome. | ||
| But I'm going to get nostalgic. | ||
| I'm going to want to move there again. | ||
| Then I'm going to start getting apocalyptic. | ||
| Fucking worry about stocking up on water and shit and hunting elk. | ||
| That's what happens, bro. | ||
| That was a crazy place. | ||
| I saw your place. | ||
| Yeah, you went up there with me. | ||
| Yeah, that was crazy, man. | ||
| Did you think I was crazy for moving there? | ||
| No. | ||
| What did you think when you went up there, though? | ||
| It had to be a weird... | ||
| I mean, when someone says, hey, come on, I'm going to take you on a ride to the top of a mountain down a dirt road, and this is where I'm going to sleep with my kids at night. | ||
| I thought, like, my real reaction was, this is awesome. | ||
| I wish I was in a position that I could do something like this. | ||
| That was my genuine... | ||
| I didn't see it as, like, what the fuck is he doing? | ||
| I was like, oh man, I wish I could fucking do this too. | ||
| That was honestly how I felt. | ||
| There's two types of people. | ||
| There's people that thought that way, like me, and then there's people that thought, like, what the fuck are you doing? | ||
| No, I thought it was really cool. | ||
| But I'm also, like... | ||
| Kind of antisocial, like personally. | ||
| I like kind of isolation and privacy. | ||
| Well, I think the move is you've got to have both. | ||
| And I think one of the reasons why a guy like you or a guy like I might want to have some peace and quiet alone is because performing can be kind of overwhelming sometimes. | ||
| Being in front of giant groups of people requires this... | ||
| Intense amount of energy and concentration. | ||
| And then, you know, there's also like meet and greets, you know, after shows where it's like, you know, I want to say hi to everybody. | ||
| But then, I want nothing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I want complete quiet. | ||
| And I like just to sit on a fucking tree, you know, a fallen tree and look over at a lake and fucking go fishing. | ||
| Love it. | ||
| I don't want to hear shit, man. | ||
| I don't want to answer questions about when is Anderson Silva going to fight fucking this guy. | ||
| Yeah, he just... | ||
| I don't want to hear shit, dude. | ||
| I just want to watch the water ripple. | ||
| I want to recharge. | ||
| I want to relax. | ||
| I get that. | ||
| Because my wife's a comic, too. | ||
| We turn down social invitations almost 100% of the time. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Because we both perform... | ||
| When we get home, we're like, this is awesome. | ||
| We're just going to sit here on the couch. | ||
| This is great. | ||
| And then people are like, no, but this thing is going to be awesome. | ||
| And we're like, yeah, but I don't want to go. | ||
| Yeah, I'm the same way. | ||
| I don't want to go at all. | ||
| Your house reminded me of something you would see on a Trapper Keeper. | ||
| I remember how amazing the photos. | ||
| I never got to see it, but the photos you've seen, I was like, Jesus. | ||
| Dude, his place was amazing. | ||
| It was a trip, dude. | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| The view was incredible. | ||
| Anna Head, there was that walk that we went on, and that lady, she was such a cool lady that owned the place. | ||
| I really liked that lady. | ||
| She was awesome. | ||
| And she was really into yoga. | ||
| And then she was like, here I stand. | ||
| And the sun hit it. | ||
| She had a wooden thing, and she was like, I just sit here, and you have to give thanks. | ||
| But I wasn't all into necessarily doing that, but I loved being able to walk out there, stand on the side of a mountain. | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| You just stand at trees. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| It's so cool. | ||
| That's where people are supposed to be. | ||
| You're supposed to, at some point in time, be there and relax and kind of look at it and reset your perspective when you enter into the hive again. | ||
| When you're in the hive, like we're in the hive right now, even though we're kind of relaxed up here and it's kind of quiet where I live, there's still millions of people in this area. | ||
| Whether or not you realize it, you're feeling that. | ||
| You're hearing cars move. | ||
| That has an impact on you. | ||
| Yeah, you're breathing it for sure. | ||
| That has a big impact. | ||
| And one of the things that I learned from that fucking isolation tank is that the more you can remove, the more you can see things clearer. | ||
| And removing things and distractions and bad things from your environment, when you have all these things in your environment and they're just there all the time, you don't ever think of removing them. | ||
| People who live in New York City, they love it. | ||
| I love the action. | ||
| I love the sound. | ||
| I love this city. | ||
| It's an amazing city. | ||
| You don't realize that city is bombarding you with sensory input, bombarding you with information that you have to process all the time. | ||
| Some people enjoy that and it actually keeps them going. | ||
| But to really get a fresh sense of who you are and what life is, and just look at it at a one degree different angle. | ||
| Just get to the woods, man. | ||
| Get to the shore. | ||
| Walk along the ocean. | ||
| Stare out at that never-ending water. | ||
| You need some form of visible nature to humble yourself. | ||
| And in California, that's one of the reasons why people are such fucking twats. | ||
| There's no weather you have to deal with ever. | ||
| It's just beautiful out here all the time. | ||
| It's sunny. | ||
| It fucking hardly ever rains. | ||
| When it does, it rains for a day. | ||
| It might rain 10 days a year. | ||
| What's the most? | ||
| 20? | ||
| 20 out of 365? | ||
| It doesn't fucking rain very often, man. | ||
| We don't have to deal with wind. | ||
| We don't have to deal with shit. | ||
| Occasionally, something lights on fire. | ||
| But that's why people are such cunts out here. | ||
| face. | ||
| You need a thunderstorm, man. | ||
| You need something like that to really put it in perspective. | ||
| Man, I need to be a little more humble about my position here. | ||
| I'm just a little tiny little organism clinging to this giant thing hurling through the galaxy. | ||
| And the best way, in my opinion, to feel that is to be somewhere Just interact with the earth. | ||
| Somewhere where you can see a fucking forest. | ||
| Somewhere where you can see the ocean and see the fucking water that goes on as far as you can see. | ||
| It's water! | ||
| It's deep as fuck! | ||
| And all it has to do is the earth moves and then a wave a hundred feet high comes flying at you 50 miles an hour and fucking jacks you. | ||
| You know, it's... | ||
| It changes the way you feel. | ||
| Fuck yeah, it does. | ||
| I went to Sun Valley, Idaho this winter. | ||
| That was amazing, man. | ||
| Oh yeah, that's gorgeous, man. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| That whole area up there with the lakes, like Coeur d'Alene and all that. | ||
| And then there's these beautiful mountains covered in snow, and then there's huge trees, and you just go... | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Yeah, just everything's just like... | ||
| Yeah, it changes the whole... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Your fucking whole physical being, like, tunes into it, you know? | ||
| Yeah, and then you go... | ||
| You relax more. | ||
| I wish I could have a house here. | ||
| That's the next thought you have. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I wish I could fucking have a house here. | ||
| Yeah, we have some friends that keep a summer house on the lake out there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Holy shit. | |
| And they're always talking about how amazing... | ||
| And they're in the clothing business, so they're, like, real, you know, hustle-bustle, real... | ||
| Always constantly on the go, and then they go there and just... | ||
| Imagine decompressing. | ||
| Imagine doing like a crazy tour. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Where you just do like 60 cities and then you get done and you're like, I want to go sit on the lake. | ||
| The husband's done. | ||
| He wants to move up there. | ||
| He's like, fuck this fucking crazy town. | ||
| He wants to move up there. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, but they have this giant business. | ||
| They make like shitloads of money selling clothes. | ||
| So they really can't just abandon everything. | ||
| They have like a high lifestyle to support. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But meanwhile, they just want to just relax by the water, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Everybody wants that fucking feeling of retiring somewhere, but you don't realize that that is very close to death. | ||
| You've kind of based, at least a lot of people have, who they are on what they do, what they do for a living, what they do for work, how they interact with people and feel useful. | ||
| And as soon as you slide away from that and just stay by yourself, it takes a very different mindset to enjoy that without starting to get depressed and start feeling that you're dying and it's the end of the line for you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, because it really is putting the brakes on when you move somewhere, right? | ||
| But maybe you're opening up to something else. | ||
| Because instead of your drive being for accomplishing more work, maybe you're just becoming a different type of person. | ||
| You're still doing some type of work, I'm saying. | ||
| But you're putting work into yourself more. | ||
| Well, if you could figure out how to Hunter S. Thompson and how to just live up there and then travel in whenever you wanted and then interact with the people and then head back out to your shelter. | ||
| Where would he live? | ||
| He lived in Woody Creek, Colorado. | ||
| It was near Aspen. | ||
| Really more remote even sort of than I was living because Aspen's trickier to get to. | ||
| You fly right into Denver, you drive an hour, you're in Boulder, you drive 20 minutes, you're in the mountains. | ||
| It's that easy. | ||
| It's literally you're an hour and 20 minutes from your car to where I lived. | ||
| That's not hard at all. | ||
| And you're in the fucking woods. | ||
| Where he was is a lot more difficult. | ||
| You had to fly in to Aspen and Aspen's like a little tiny ass air point. | ||
| It's not a good one either. | ||
| It's a funky one because it's nestled in between mountains and sometimes people crash. | ||
| They reroute you all the time too. | ||
| They rerouted us when we did the Aspen Comedy Festival. | ||
| They said the winds are too high and there's too much snow and we don't want to slam into a fucking mountain that we can't see. | ||
| We don't have to worry about that. | ||
| They did Christina this year when she went there. | ||
| I did that for Sun Valley. | ||
| They were like, the airport's not working. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| Get on the bus. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The wind gets wacky up there, man. | ||
| I knew a dude who lost his friends. | ||
| They were in a private jet and they were headed out to Aspen. | ||
| There were high rollers in the movie business. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn. | |
| These guys were like super ballers and they fucking were making millions and slammed into a mountain. | ||
| Isn't that the worst? | ||
| That you had, like, if you were to get, like, a It seems like the worst thing is crashing in a private jet. | ||
| You're like, let's do the fucking private jet shit, man. | ||
| And you're putting up crazy money to fly luxury, and then your fucking private jet crashes. | ||
| You're like, I paid 60 grand for this flight, and it crashed into the fucking mountain. | ||
| Yeah, a private jet is the ultimate ridiculous indulgence. | ||
| What does it cost to fly to Vegas? | ||
| It costs like... | ||
| If you want to go first class, it's like $1,000 or $2,000 at the most. | ||
| Yeah, I would think more than $1,000 because it's a pretty short flight. | ||
| That's the most expensive that you can pay for. | ||
| And if you wanted to go coach, it's like a couple hundred bucks, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You can go southwest for like $150 or something. | ||
| Or you could spend $15,000 and go in a private jet. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| And then there's all the different classifications of jets. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Small jet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Mid-sized jet. | ||
| How about propeller planes? | ||
| Propeller planes. | ||
| Really luxurious propeller planes. | ||
| We got you a nice Cessna. | ||
| Live like your fucking Ernest Hemingway. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Flying a Cubo. | ||
| Then the ultimate craziest status is what Oprah has, which is a Boeing business jet. | ||
| So it's actually a converted 747 or 777. Is that what she has? | ||
| Yeah, where they strip out the entire fucking office. | ||
| The 60 rows. | ||
| And they have... | ||
| Like Air Force One style. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like entertainment area, bedroom. | ||
|
unidentified
|
God damn. | |
| That's what Oprah has? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Joe, have you ever been to the Ronald Reagan Museum up in Calabasas? | ||
| No, I've never been there. | ||
| You should go there. | ||
| Get really baked and go to the Ronald Reagan Museum. | ||
| They have an Air Force One there, and it's so amazing walking through this. | ||
| Where is it? | ||
| It's like in Calabasas, Thousand Oaks, somewhere around there. | ||
| Okay, yeah, it's out north. | ||
| Is it, do they actually have a plane that you can step into? | ||
| Like it's outside? | ||
| Oh yeah, yeah, it's a real Air Force One. | ||
| It's inside a warehouse and you get to walk through the whole thing and they put like little, it was Ronald Reagan's, and they put like little jelly beans, you know, on his desk because he liked jelly beans. | ||
| Does it have one of those little escape pods? | ||
| Where you climb in it, and then they hit the parachute, and the plane falls apart, and he escapes. | ||
| I can't remember, but it was Pimp. | ||
| Did they have those? | ||
| The what? | ||
| I'm sorry? | ||
| You weren't even paying attention. | ||
| I was reading. | ||
| That was like Star Wars. | ||
| No, that wasn't. | ||
| I was reading. | ||
| Remember how, I know at least in some movies, Air Force One had an escape pod, the president climbing the pod, and a parachute would deploy, or a jet. | ||
| I think that was Star Wars. | ||
| Is that bullshit? | ||
| I think that's bullshit. | ||
| So if the plane crashes, he's fucked. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They can't save the president. | ||
| Right. | ||
| The 787, I believe. | ||
| People would get mad. | ||
| They'd go, why can't you save the president? | ||
| You can't save my little Billy. | ||
| I always wonder why they couldn't have fucking parachutes at the last resort somewhere on the plane just in case there's a hole. | ||
| My friend Johnny B said it past. | ||
| He goes, why can't they have a parachute for the whole fucking plane? | ||
| That's what he said. | ||
| It's high as fuck. | ||
| How about this, bro? | ||
| How about this, bro? | ||
| I can fucking solve airplane crashes. | ||
| What happens? | ||
| Plane breaks in the sky. | ||
| Oh, you got a parachute. | ||
| He just drifts to the ground. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why can't they do that? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| He goes, what does it cost? | ||
| How much is a fucking parachute? | ||
| You cheap pricks. | ||
| You can't even afford a fucking parachute. | ||
| It makes so much sense, doesn't it? | ||
| No, it doesn't make sense. | ||
| It doesn't make sense at all. | ||
| Because the weight of the parachute combined with the weight of the fucking plane, you'd probably run out of gas halfway to Idaho. | ||
| The shit would fall apart. | ||
| It'd be all out of whack. | ||
| Dude, the Boeing business jets range in costs from $47 million to $310 million. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cut to you! | |
| And you know she didn't get the cheap one. | ||
| Hell no. | ||
| Oprah's a baller, son. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's got Bluetooth. | |
| Right now she's got ladies around her all the time filing her nails. | ||
| One on each toe. | ||
| They're all white girls, too. | ||
| All white girls under 120 pounds. | ||
| That's all she asks for. | ||
| I want only white workers 120 pounds or lighter. | ||
| Skinny girls. | ||
| Pick a toe. | ||
| And that's what she wants. | ||
| The skinniest, prettiest girls to clean her toes and feet. | ||
| Coconut butter on her elbows. | ||
| While she talks about her fucking $300 million jet that she's converted into a disco. | ||
| It's fucking nuts, right? | ||
| Do you think Oprah's gay? | ||
| Do I? No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| You don't? | ||
| Really? | ||
| You don't consider it at all? | ||
| That's the rumor, right? | ||
| Is that she's gay for that Gail chick? | ||
| For Gail, I think she's more asexual and just a power-hungry egomaniac. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, totally. | ||
| You don't think she hires chicks to come over and eat her box? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| She might. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She might. | |
| How much do you think that would cost? | ||
| Just say yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How much do you pay a girl to come over and eat Oprah's box? | |
| I think she probably has a flat rate. | ||
| I mean, she's like, listen, you know, you can work at Wendy's. | ||
| They don't pay much. | ||
| Or you can eat my box. | ||
| $1,500. | ||
| 10 G's? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| Think about 10 G's and pop. | ||
| 10 G's for a 20-minute session. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And that girl, that's all she does. | ||
| And she just works for Oprah every couple of days. | ||
| But she has, like, a little thing that she's like, I'll give you a little extra if you make the pussy pop. | ||
| Like, she has, like, a little tag on it for her. | ||
| And the girl's like, what's that mean? | ||
| Do you think Oprah calls it a pussy? | ||
| Yanking, yanking, for sure. | ||
| Do you think she calls it a pussy? | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Really? | ||
| You think she calls it a pussy? | ||
| Or stank box. | ||
| I think she calls it a pussy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Or stank box. | |
| Or stank box. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because, you know, sometimes when she gets, like, she gets back to her old southern roots and she'll be like, girl, you know, this shit is, she doesn't say shit, but, like, this is delicious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's just go! | |
| Like, she'll really play it up. | ||
| I think when she's in bed, she's probably like, get that pussy, get it. | ||
| I guarantee you, if you could encapsulate the smell of an Oprah Winfrey post-binge diarrhea blast, because she knows she must go on a binge. | ||
| Oh, she drops heat, for sure. | ||
| She gets heavy, bro. | ||
| Some shit goes down. | ||
| She got real skinny for a while, and then she just plumps up, and there's some eating going on there, son. | ||
| There's a lot of stress, and that's how she... | ||
| If you could encapsulate it into something you could open and smell her shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I guarantee you people would buy it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They'd be fascinated. | ||
| People are fascinated. | ||
| I love grape juice. | ||
| For a certain amount of money, as long as you made it reasonable, if you said, smell Oprah's shit for one dollar, you would make millions. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| If it's all a cost, like a buck, Yeah, that's very reasonable. | ||
| It's less than a cup of coffee. | ||
| Would you do it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You might make five, six million bucks off that product. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Why don't we do it? | ||
| Why can't they encapsulate record smells the way they record sound and visual? | ||
| It's just because there's not that much of a demand for it. | ||
| It seems like they should be able to do that by now. | ||
| They should be able to put a smell into some sort of a reusable medium. | ||
| Visual medium is like they can record video. | ||
| You can watch that video. | ||
| It gets in through your eyes. | ||
| Why can't they record a smell? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, because you've ever done the film capsule thing? | ||
| You've done that before? | ||
| What's that? | ||
| Like the 35mm film cart, you know, the little black thing? | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| Fart in it, and then you... | ||
| Decapsulate it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You close it? | ||
| That fart will stay in there. | ||
| No way. | ||
| Yes, it will. | ||
| He's so confident I would bet on him. | ||
| I've experimented with cups and stuff. | ||
| Jars? | ||
| You can do it with jars too. | ||
| I've tried. | ||
| You tried with Kitty Fart Cup. | ||
| And you also didn't fart. | ||
| You've got to really be into farting. | ||
| I farted on Christina the other day when you were there. | ||
| Did you really? | ||
| We were all walking out of the office and I just trailed her whole leg the whole time. | ||
| Damn, dude. | ||
| Why did you fart on his wife? | ||
| Don't fart on my wife. | ||
| That's so rude. | ||
| It's disrespectful, man. | ||
| Yeah, you can't be farting on dude's wife. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm just kidding. | |
| My daughter farts on me all the time. | ||
| I've been watching TV shows with her and she's sitting in my lap and she just starts farting. | ||
| Three-year-olds don't give a fuck. | ||
| But you just laugh. | ||
| And I go, did you just fart at me? | ||
| And she goes, yeah! | ||
| And then she just farts on you. | ||
| That's got to be the only time that it's acceptable or cute, right? | ||
| It's like your daughter, you're like... | ||
| It is what it is. | ||
| I've got to wipe her butt still, make sure it's done right. | ||
| I've got to flush her logs. | ||
| If a baby's a log, a three-year-old baby, if your log was in proportionate, it would be the size of your fucking thigh. | ||
| Oh yeah, because they have big old shit still. | ||
| Giant shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They eat so much. | ||
| Kids are always hungry. | ||
| They're growing. | ||
| So they just fucking pack that food and it comes out like a grown up shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you try to do the math, like that's ridiculous. | ||
| I love taking shots. | ||
| Are you going to have a little Tommy running around you and Christina? | ||
| I want to, yeah. | ||
| Shoot some live rounds in there and get the party rolling? | ||
| Definitely, at some point. | ||
| I definitely want kids. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can't wait. | |
| How old is she right now? | ||
| She is 35. That's when you've got to start thinking about it. | ||
| You've got to start thinking about your window. | ||
| I don't know what the window is for a kid to be healthy, but it's right around. | ||
| We're going to get on it. | ||
| Come on, son! | ||
| Film it, too. | ||
| Film the whole thing, the porn. | ||
| Right up to it. | ||
| It could be a new reality show. | ||
| By the time your kid is born, that will be passe. | ||
| Kim Kardashian will have already had a cervix reality show. | ||
| Kim Kardashian's new show is going to be a microchip little camera where you can just see the black dicks going in one after the other. | ||
| That's the whole show. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| The whole show is a 24-hour internet cam insider pussy. | ||
| It's all Wi-Fi and it's all hooked up. | ||
| Look, you would pay for that. | ||
| Would you pay for that? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| If that was on the Playboy channel. | ||
| If they agreed, if a girl agreed to do it, please, someone out there, steal this idea. | ||
| Get a girl who looks like Kim Kardashian, pretend it's Kim Kardashian, lie to me, say this may or may not be Kim Kardashian's pussy, and get a girl to put a 24-hour webcam inside her box. | ||
| Somebody stole an idea from me the other day, by the way. | ||
| Really? | ||
| How do you know? | ||
| It could be parallel thinking. | ||
| Yeah, it could totally be parallel thinking. | ||
| For years, I've said, and I even said it just last week on a podcast, but I said on one of your old, old podcasts, I can't remember, that I had this idea... | ||
| I thought about it when my grandmother was still alive that she doesn't have a computer, but I wanted to be able to write an email and then send it to a company, and that company would write it out and send her a handwritten letter. | ||
| So it would be easy for me to write letters to my grandmother for a charge. | ||
| The other day I had a Freddie Lockhart podcast and I talked about it. | ||
| And then yesterday, gizmodo.com said this artist guy did that. | ||
| And he's called emailtosnailmail.com or something like that. | ||
| And that's what this new company is called. | ||
| Well, if they stole from you, I hope they're fucking... | ||
| They crashed to the ground, Brian. | ||
| Yeah, it's not cool, man. | ||
| It's not cool at all. | ||
| How long have they been around? | ||
| I think since yesterday. | ||
| Will you allow them to steal it from you? | ||
| You don't want a piece of that. | ||
| There's no money in that. | ||
| Well, he's doing it for free, so it's more of an art project. | ||
| So if he did steal your idea, you welcome it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay, good. | ||
| That's nice. | ||
| That's very thoughtful of you. | ||
| Dude, that's nice. | ||
| You're contributing to the world. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You little wacky ideas. | ||
| Yeah, I've had time I would have done it myself. | ||
| If you don't know and you can't get enough of Brian, you're like, God, who's that dude stumbling through his sentences? | ||
| I fucking love him. | ||
| He's too stoned. | ||
| Yeah, he is too stoned. | ||
| Brian is a way smoother talker before he does the podcast, but I knew that I was going to get past that third hit his way, and he's impulsive. | ||
| He's going to say yes, and I know he shouldn't have it, but part of me wants to see him take that third hit. | ||
| You did give me a third hit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I did. | |
| I gave you that third hit. | ||
| I didn't realize. | ||
| I took the third hit, too. | ||
| I'm just starting to come back. | ||
| I'm on Machu Picchu High. | ||
| The entire time we were talking, I was thinking about Machu Picchu. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Amazing. | |
| Plan your trip, man. | ||
| Plan your trip. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's hard when you have little ones. | ||
| I don't think they'd be down. | ||
| No. | ||
| I've got to tell Mickey Mouse is at the top. | ||
| Here's what I'll do. | ||
| I'll hire some dudes dressed like Mickey and Donald. | ||
| And they'll be waiting for me at the top of Machu Picchu. | ||
| That's fucking great. | ||
| And the kids are like, Daddy, let's go back. | ||
| I can't breathe. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| It's not the ideal place for little kids. | ||
| Daddy wants to see the big rocks. | ||
| I'm here for the big rocks, you fucks. | ||
| Hey, don't let your kids have lemonade stands. | ||
| I saw a lemonade stand the other day, and it blew my mind. | ||
| I was like, wait. | ||
| You've got to be parents. | ||
| There's these two kids on the side of a street. | ||
| And that's just an open invitation. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What the fuck is that? | ||
| There was no parents anywhere. | ||
| Did you hear about the poor guy in Brooklyn? | ||
| Did you hear about this? | ||
| Where the little kid asks for directions. | ||
| He's on his way home from school. | ||
| He's eight years old. | ||
| Asks for directions. | ||
| They can't find him. | ||
| And they find video of the kid at the playground talking to some man. | ||
| They go to the man's house. | ||
| The kid's chopped up in his refrigerator. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Guy's an Orthodox Jew, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Which really shocked the Jewish community because the other kid was a Hasidic Jew. | ||
| And it's a very tight-knit Jewish community. | ||
| This guy was an Orthodox Jew. | ||
| Killed this fucking kid and chopped him up. | ||
| I did think it was weird. | ||
| Yesterday, I'm driving down Glendale Boulevard. | ||
| And it's, like, sundown. | ||
| And you see, like, I saw two girls that were probably, like, I don't know, maybe, like, 12, 13, just walking down the street. | ||
| And it's not, like, a bad neighborhood. | ||
| You're like, you shouldn't be walking down Glendale Boulevard. | ||
| Like, you're too young. | ||
| Like, the cars are flying by. | ||
| And it's still L.A. There's weirdos on any street just walking around. | ||
| It does make me go like, man, I thought I would definitely not be cool with my kid walking around. | ||
| Where do you live? | ||
| Well, just like that street. | ||
| It's not a residential street, man. | ||
| It's like a highway almost. | ||
| That's why people always want to go to the suburbs once they have children. | ||
| They realize, wow, this hive is just too crazy. | ||
| I sort of admire people that raise their kids in New York City. | ||
| I'm like, wow, what a wild ride that's got to be for kids to grow up in the hub of North American civilization. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, New York City is unlike any other city. | ||
| You can call LA a city all you want, but it's really not. | ||
| It's a destination. | ||
| It's a destination. | ||
| LA's an area. | ||
| It's a place. | ||
| But it's not a city. | ||
| New York City is a fucking city, man. | ||
| When you're staying in a hotel... | ||
| Everywhere around you are 60, 70-story skyscrapers, and you're looking down the ground, and there's fucking millions of people looking out at their windows and looking at you, and you see this giant thing that's created on this little island. | ||
| That's a fucking city, man. | ||
| That's the human experience in its highest RPM form. | ||
| This giant construction where everything's built up. | ||
| They don't have any room to go east and west, so they go north and south. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| That's a weird place to raise kids. | ||
| And all the East Coast cities have a different vibe and feel than out here. | ||
| San Francisco's a proper city, a tight kind of thing, but Philly, Baltimore, New York, those are cities where you can feel the cities alive. | ||
| Here you don't really... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The city is filled with pukes, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's filled with people that are trying to get famous. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So the vibe of the city is all fucked up. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| That's right, LA. I said it. | ||
| How about you just suck it? | ||
| Brian, what are you doing? | ||
| Tweetin'? | ||
| This is the end of this fucking goddamn podcast. | ||
| This shit was fun, man. | ||
| It was fun. | ||
| It's always fun. | ||
| Tommy Segura. | ||
| And if you think Tommy is hilarious when you hear him talk on the podcast... | ||
| You can also check him on his podcast, which is your mom's house that you can catch on the Death Squad Network. | ||
| One of my favorite ones to do, too. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| He's hilarious, and so is his wife, and they do it together, which is a little bit pussy whip, but we're going to let him slide. | ||
| You know, it is what it is, bro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is. | |
| It's great. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| I love you, babe. | ||
| His wife is super cool. | ||
| I remember when I met your wife, your wife was going on at the Naughty Show, and there was a fucking girl beating a dude with a belt right before your chick went up. | ||
| And I was talking to her, and she's like, what the fuck am I going to do with it? | ||
| How am I going to follow this? | ||
| And I'm like, wow, she's got to follow that. | ||
| That's going to be hard. | ||
| These people are screaming and cheering, and she just rocked it, dude. | ||
| She crushes. | ||
| Shoot! | ||
| She's hilarious, man. | ||
| Super relaxed and super confident. | ||
| And you can follow her on Twitter, too. | ||
| We'll give out her Twitter name. | ||
| Her Twitter is at Christina P. Christina P? Just P? Just Christina P? Yeah, just Christina P. Yeah, she's awesome. | ||
| She's hilarious. | ||
| But if you really want to see Tom at his finest, you gotta go see him do stand-up. | ||
| He's at the Ice House this weekend with me, but it's sold the fuck out, son. | ||
| Me and Joey Diaz and Tommy Segura. | ||
| But when else can they see you? | ||
| Where are you going to be at? | ||
| Well, next Tuesday, I'm going to be in Montreal for the festival, and Tuesday night, I'm going to do Ari's show at midnight. | ||
| In Montreal? | ||
| In Montreal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Oh, beautiful. | ||
| And then I'm doing other shows throughout the week at the festival, like I'm doing HBO Canada show, a couple Best of Fest shows, and I'll try to post those as soon as I know them. | ||
| But definitely Ari's show Tuesday night and the week after. | ||
| And what is Ari's show called? | ||
| It's a storytelling show. | ||
| And where's it at? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| So it's in Montreal? | ||
| It's in Montreal. | ||
| If you want to find it, ask Ari Shafir, A-R-I-S-H-A-F-F-I-R. On Twitter, ask him and he'll tell you what the fuck is up. | ||
| I'm proud of Ari. | ||
| He's doing a lot of shit now. | ||
| He's doing great. | ||
| And you can tell he's really striding in his lane. | ||
| He's really fucking blowing up. | ||
| And his stand-up is getting better too. | ||
| Everything's coming together. | ||
| He's doing fantastic. | ||
| The week after though, I'll be in Denver at the Denver Improv. | ||
| Oh shit, son. | ||
| August 4th through the 7th. | ||
| Are you traveling with your wife? | ||
| No, I don't know who I'm working with. | ||
| I just know that I'm doing it. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| Do they have you headlining now? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You better, those dirty bitches. | ||
| Yeah, so that'll be a lot of fun. | ||
| So, Paramount Theater, September 23rd, Joe Diaz returns to Colorado. | ||
| They tried to blacklist him. | ||
| We would not allow it! | ||
| This Sunday, Michael Chiavello will be doing a podcast with me. | ||
| Oh, I love Mike. | ||
| Yeah, he's a great guy. | ||
| And he's going to hang out at the house, and his missus is going to hang out with my missus, and we're going to throw down on a fucking podcast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're great, man. | |
| They're great. | ||
| They're super cool. | ||
| I saw them in Melbourne, and he took me to a very beautiful bathroom. | ||
| A beautiful bathroom? | ||
| Yeah, I have him tell you about it. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| I love that dude. | ||
| So that's it for this week. | ||
| Next week we got on the 27th, Giorgio Tsoukalos from Ancient Aliens is going to be on the podcast. | ||
| And I'm fucking fired up for that. | ||
| And we got a bunch of other people that we're going to try to get in here. | ||
| There's a few fighters, a few comics, a few different things. | ||
| Brian Ebersole, I think he's going to do it. | ||
| I've got to talk to him, and we're going to get Mayhem back as soon as Mayhem is done filming The Ultimate Fighter. | ||
| We've got a lot of shit going down, bitches. | ||
| And the new studio, which we should be moving into very soon. | ||
| As soon as I'm done here, I'm going right there. | ||
| I'm looking at shit. | ||
| You're going to come with me, bitch? | ||
| I can't. | ||
| Come on, son. | ||
| You have a new studio? | ||
| We're going to make a new studio. | ||
| We're going to make a studio. | ||
| We're going to do something in an actual office building. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| I can't keep doing this in my fucking office. | ||
| My kids are in the background screaming. | ||
| I feel like a douchebag dad that I want them to be quiet in their own house. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| In one way, it's kind of cool because I like hearing little kids screams in the background every now and then. | ||
| Well, right now we're at 22. But I can't bring any skanks over the house either. | ||
| Let's be honest, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| That's part of the program. | ||
| Part of the program is I can't bring any skanks over here. | ||
| Mrs. Rogan doesn't like it. | ||
| The only time we've had skanks, excuse me, questionable people, we did it over at Brian's house. | ||
| Now you know who you are. | ||
| Andy Dick. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| That's how the cookie crumbles. | ||
| Hookers. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Listen, love you guys. | ||
| Can't wait for Pasadena Ice House this weekend. | ||
| According to the website, it's sold out. | ||
| But if you go there... | ||
| Word. | ||
| You know, who the fuck knows? | ||
| There might be some tickets laying around. | ||
| Call them. | ||
|
unidentified
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What the fuck do I know? | |
| Can't wait to see everybody. | ||
| And I'll see you Sunday. | ||
| Alright. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Love ya. | |
| Come on. | ||
| Give me a kiss. | ||
|
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|
Peace. | |
| And if you like the Fleshlight. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| I always forget. | ||
| The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast was brought to you by the Fleshlight. | ||
| If you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link for the Fleshlight and you enter in the code name ROGAN, you will get 15% off the number one sex toy for men. | ||
| And then what you do is you take it and you open up the box and you stick your penis inside of it. | ||
| And you go like this. | ||
| And then you go to sleep. | ||
| It's the best. | ||
| It's the best. | ||
| So, we love you. | ||
| We hope you love us back. | ||
| Bye-bye. | ||
|
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Bye-bye. |
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