May 31, 2011 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:30:02
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by The Fleshlight. | ||
| If you go to joerogan.net, enter in the code name ROGAN, they will give you 15% off of the number one sex toy for men. | ||
| Shazam. | ||
| We're talking discounts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn. | |
| My friends. | ||
| Alright, with that said, Ari Shafir is in the motherfucking house. | ||
| We're talking digwit. | ||
| Buckle up, bitches. | ||
| We're talking discounts. | ||
| We have to do this music for some reason. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast. | |
| We're married to it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I don't know. | |
| Fuck. | ||
| It's like us. | ||
| It's not perfect. | ||
| It's obnoxious. | ||
| It lets you know. | ||
| There's a lot of shit in there you would change. | ||
| Who made that song? | ||
| It got really medley really quick. | ||
| I think Brian made it, right? | ||
| Didn't you make it? | ||
| I actually made it for the old Crackle show that we were doing. | ||
| Did you just do it in GarageBand? | ||
| It's a mix of GarageBand and real instruments and effects. | ||
| It's amazing that you can do that, isn't it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Fuck, man. | ||
| It's so easy to do stuff today. | ||
| You're not a trained musician. | ||
| Do you play any instruments? | ||
| Huh? | ||
| Do you play any instruments? | ||
| No. | ||
| Nothing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nothing. | |
| You can make that. | ||
| I mean, I played instruments my whole life. | ||
| Like, I played bassoon, trumpet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shut up. | |
| I swear to fucking God. | ||
| You played a bassoon? | ||
| I played a bassoon. | ||
| Which one's the bassoon? | ||
| It almost looks like a tuba, like this big motherfucking crazy thing. | ||
| It's a crazy thing to play. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Why'd you play that? | ||
| Because I wanted to play an instrument bad, but the problem... | ||
| And you hate pussy as well. | ||
| No, it was... | ||
| It was the perfect combination. | ||
| It was like, I think you had to do it. | ||
| You had to pick an instrument growing up, and I liked the trumpet, but after a while, it just, you know... | ||
| What's the hardest one? | ||
| I thought... | ||
| Trumpet's the coolest one. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Trumpet wasn't that hard. | ||
| Isn't it weird, though, that we just made that distinction and we both agreed? | ||
| Like, the bassoon is like, what the fuck kind of stupid instrument is a bassoon? | ||
| Meanwhile, the trumpet is like, yeah, that's pretty dope. | ||
| Like, to learn to play the trumpet, that's cool as shit. | ||
| People, like, you would stand outside a woman's, like, window with a trumpet. | ||
| But why is that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Isn't that weird? | ||
| That's a weird distinction, and it's one we kind of all agree on. | ||
| I mean, I'm sure there's some bassoon aficionados out there, but if you had to ask the average person, you play a bassoon, they're like, get the fuck out of here. | ||
| But if you're like, yeah, I play a trumpet, damn, this is cool, a jazz guy in my house plays a trumpet. | ||
| The best trumpeteer or the best bassoonist? | ||
| Yeah, when I think of trumpets, I think of Denzel Washington and Mo' Betta Blues. | ||
| I remember watching that, and he's cleaning his trumpet and shit. | ||
| I was like, this motherfucker loves that thing. | ||
| He's toning it up and polishing it, and girls want to fuck him. | ||
| He's like, I gotta practice, baby. | ||
| I gotta practice. | ||
| I'm always practicing. | ||
| It inspired me. | ||
| I thought the trumpet was actually the easiest to learn. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Not the easiest to master, probably, but the secret to trumpet is just knowing how to blow it. | ||
| It's like using your mouth, going that... | ||
| Oh, you mean just learn how to actually play something? | ||
| It is fucking amazing when you see a dude who really knows how to play, though. | ||
| I saw Dizzy Gillespie when I was a little kid. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, when I was living in San Francisco. | ||
| I went to a cool school, man. | ||
| Public school in San Francisco in the 70s was pretty badass. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they took us all to see Dizzy Gillespie. | ||
| And he was a crazy one because you're not supposed to go and blow your cheeks out like a fish. | ||
| That's not like the proper technique, but that's how he did it. | ||
| His cheeks were crazy. | ||
| They would blow out like a frog. | ||
| I guess he has really powerful lungs and flexible skin. | ||
| And because his fucking lungs are so powerful, because he's been playing trumpet for so long, when he's dead now, when he would blow out his face, it was crazy. | ||
| And I went to see him, and I was amazed that this guy can do all this, make all this noise out of this one little instrument just because he knows it. | ||
| He knows if he pulls it back just this much, it'll make that much of a difference. | ||
| And if he hits this key and blows a little extra hard, it'll hit that special note that he wants. | ||
| There's so much variation in the notes. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| It's an amazing instrument. | ||
| But the bassoon? | ||
| What you thinking, son? | ||
| You know what was gross? | ||
| The bassoon, when you were a poor kid, they had ones that you could rent from the school, kind of like a library book. | ||
| And so the bassoon that I had looked like something from the black hole, like one of those old robots. | ||
| It was just this beat-up, rusted-looking, gross thing. | ||
| And the spit valve was rusted. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| You know, like the pipe where you open up the spit and you blow out the spit. | ||
| That was just all rusted. | ||
| I remember that being so gross. | ||
| That was other people's spit rust. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Dude, that's disgusting. | ||
| You had to get a used bassoon. | ||
| I didn't play that as long as the trumpet. | ||
| I played trumpet probably for two years or so. | ||
| Yeah, because it's not just the bassoon, right? | ||
| It's the bassoon. | ||
| Could you play Reveille right now if you needed to? | ||
| Yeah, I wouldn't know what I could play. | ||
| Could you play Reveille? | ||
| I could play, but I wouldn't know anything to play. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I could blow it and it would sound right. | ||
| So you couldn't play Reveille? | ||
| What's that? | ||
| Reveille. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| That's when they wake up in the morning. | ||
| I used to be able to play it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Could you still remember it right now? | ||
| No. | ||
| Fuck no. | ||
| It's like I can't even remember Spanish. | ||
| I took Spanish for four years. | ||
| I remember Ola, Mota, Chichi. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's Mota? | |
| What's Mota? | ||
| Weed. | ||
| Weed? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| C. You know C. Tall is Alto. | ||
| Gordo is Fat. | ||
| I know all the things people would call me. | ||
| So you had to know people were talking shit about you in Spanish? | ||
| That's what you got good at? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was all body parts, drugs, and curse words. | ||
| Just curse words, yeah. | ||
| That's what everybody does. | ||
| Whenever you had a new kid that came from Russia, you're like, dude, okay, how do you say bitch? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just tell me the keys. | ||
| Verde green. | ||
| Groho red. | ||
| So Ari, how was Crackers? | ||
| You were in Indiana? | ||
| Oh yeah, Indianapolis, Indiana. | ||
| It was fun. | ||
| I went skeet shooting. | ||
| It was totally cool. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| Where they shoot the... | ||
| Yeah, where you gotta yell, pull! | ||
| And this fucking disc flies. | ||
| And you shoot it with a real shotgun. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You fucking blow it up. | ||
| Twice. | ||
| Is that your first time shooting anything? | ||
| No, I've shot stuff before. | ||
| When I was in Israel, we used to go to the rifle range a bunch. | ||
| They'd let the tickets out there. | ||
| But you'd lie on your stomach there. | ||
| I think it was the first time standing up with a shotgun. | ||
| But it blows up. | ||
| It's so cool. | ||
| You just have to track it and fucking shoot it. | ||
| Was it really trippy? | ||
| No, I wouldn't describe it as trippy at all. | ||
| Are you feeling any after effects of the Salvia trip that you had recently? | ||
| You know, I miss that place. | ||
| Have you had any afterthoughts? | ||
| What? | ||
| Do you have any afterthoughts now that you've... | ||
| No, that shit doesn't stay with you that long. | ||
| It kind of goes away. | ||
| For the listeners, he had pretty much a breakdown on Salvia where you started flailing your legs, you started... | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I thought you were fucking with me. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Looking back now, do you realize that Sam Tripoli was fucking you by saying shit like, I think he's dead? | ||
| Oh no, I looked at it again. | ||
| It's just me completely not trusting you. | ||
| Nobody has any idea what the fuck you're talking about. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was waiting for you to join in. | |
| This is the most ridiculous conversation ever. | ||
| See what happens when I let you talk? | ||
| You were typing away. | ||
| I don't know where you were. | ||
| Well, I was trying to find this thing because I wanted to ask you about there's a story on CNN today. | ||
| And I know that for those who don't know, Ari spent a good deal of his life studying Judaism and the Talmud. | ||
| Explain your whole situation for people. | ||
| I was in Yeshiva in Israel for two years. | ||
| I was super religious. | ||
| It's like this dormitory. | ||
| You just spend morning to night studying. | ||
| You can live around Israel, too. | ||
| You see the country, but most of your day, 9 to 5, it's really like 8 to fucking 10 p.m., just studying all day long with a break for lunch, a break for dinner, and the services. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah, but it was super cool. | ||
| It was super rewarding. | ||
| I was good at it. | ||
| Then I came home and lost my religion, and that's why I'm a comedian. | ||
| And, you know, how do you go from that to as extreme as you are now? | ||
| How do you make that leap? | ||
| What was it? | ||
| What was it that made you lose your religion? | ||
| I just really thought about it. | ||
| I really honestly thought inside, do I believe in God? | ||
| And it just wasn't there. | ||
| It just wasn't there. | ||
| For the first time, I thought about it. | ||
| And I'm like, I don't... | ||
| Like, when I think about... | ||
| You know, you don't have this core beliefs in your system, you know? | ||
| Summer's warm or whatever it is. | ||
| Like, you just believe these things. | ||
| That's a bad example. | ||
| But... | ||
| It just wasn't in there. | ||
| It's just not in there. | ||
| I don't know if you believe in God or not, but it's like, you either believe or you don't believe. | ||
| Especially when it comes to a leap of faith, where it's like, there's no proof for it. | ||
| Yeah, I don't think it's a believe or not believe. | ||
| I think it's a, I don't know. | ||
| That's my answer to all that shit. | ||
| I don't know, but religion... | ||
| My answer is, if it was an argument about anything else except religion, using the same proofs, you'd be like, what the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| There's no proof for it? | ||
| Get fucked. | ||
| It's no, well, people have a weird desire to think that there's an answer to all this. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And if you challenge their thought that they believe in, they'll get so angry they want to fight you and kill you. | ||
| Yeah, but I thought it was supposed to be a leap of faith. | ||
| So you've taken that leap. | ||
| And they're mad if you don't. | ||
| Or they're mad if you question why they did. | ||
| But look, believe whatever the fuck you want to believe, folks. | ||
| This is why I wanted to bring this up to you. | ||
| For some people, it helps, man. | ||
| I know people that need religion. | ||
| They need God. | ||
| They need some idea, some fucking fiber, some path that they can follow, something tangible. | ||
| And the Bible to them, it does it. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| Do whatever the fuck you want. | ||
| If that's what you need, good for you. | ||
| Some people need Prozac. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| It's okay. | ||
| No worries. | ||
| But here's the question. | ||
| I know you studied ancient Hebrew, and you studied... | ||
| Did you study a lot of the Old Testament? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Well, there's a research group in Canada, according to CNN, that has just proved, and this is the story that they published, that the Old Testament has been massively mistranslated. | ||
| And follows three years of research which has uncovered that the actual system for translating ancient Hebrew is the group discovered that each letter is not a letter at all, but a full word. | ||
| And what was believed to be a word is actually a sentence, like a description, which supplies the definition of the word. | ||
| So what's a sentence? | ||
| A fucking paragraph? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's a good question. | ||
| I don't understand this. | ||
| This is one of the reasons why I wanted to bring this up to you, because I know you have a lot of A lot of knowledge about this shit, about ancient Hebrew. | ||
| So is what they're saying making any sense to you? | ||
| What they're saying basically is that... | ||
| I sort of get it. | ||
| They used to think, as far as I know, my limited understanding, they used to believe that every letter is also a number. | ||
| Yeah, they still believe that. | ||
| They believe that. | ||
| So there's no numbers in ancient Hebrew, right? | ||
| Letters and numbers are all the same thing. | ||
| Yeah, if you want to show there was chai, it's a sign for life, but it means 8 and yud means 10, so it's 18. So people usually give gifts. | ||
| The gift of life is the greatest gift, so they give gifts in units of 18. Wow, that's a really badass thing, a language that's like that when you think about it. | ||
| A language where it's all numbers and letters are all intertwined. | ||
| Words have numerical value to them, right? | ||
| Yeah, all of them. | ||
| So it's like you can figure shit out that way. | ||
| So really, any sort of translation of that into something else, like Latin, fuck, you must be losing almost all of it, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you don't know the language, you won't get the meaning without any of that. | ||
| So you have to translate it. | ||
| You have to read a translation. | ||
| Does what they're saying make any sense to you? | ||
| It makes sense, but I don't see how that could be. | ||
| I mean, they know what a lot of those words are. | ||
| Do they, for sure? | ||
| They make sense in sentences, yeah. | ||
| They still exist today in the same word. | ||
| Habba. | ||
| So how could they be saying this then? | ||
| That sounds like they're full of shit. | ||
| It sounds like nonsense. | ||
| I don't understand it. | ||
| I'd have to really see what they were talking about exactly. | ||
| I would think that when some shit gets on CNN that they've done some filtering of it and they know that they're right. | ||
| CNN might not be reporting it exactly right or something. | ||
| I'm just not sure. | ||
| I don't know what that would be. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, and all they have to do is really say a research group in Canada. | ||
| Look, it's interesting shit. | ||
| Even if it's not correct, it's interesting shit. | ||
| And CNN is in the business of getting people to pay attention to interesting shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, when I go to CNN.com, one of the reasons why it goes is because every now and then they'll have some weird ass fucking story like this. | ||
| CNN, yeah. | ||
| CNN has some good stories, man. | ||
| You know, you think of CNN as being like a mainstream website for news, and it is. | ||
| But there's, you know, there's some fucking fascinating shit on there. | ||
| Whenever I go to those sites, I just go to the wacky section. | ||
| The wacky section? | ||
| There's a wacky section? | ||
| There's always a wacky section. | ||
| Let me look for the wacky section on CNN. Man arrests himself after too many bananas. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah, I used to have a friend that would scour those for jokes every day. | ||
| Whenever I write packets. | ||
| If ever I write packets for a late night talk show or something, that's all I look for. | ||
| Do you really? | ||
| What story am I going to do about the Speaker of the House not coming to the fucking vote today? | ||
| I have nothing to say about any of that stuff anymore. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't want to talk about it. | ||
| But if somebody tried to shoot a cockroach with a speedboat, I want to fucking know. | ||
| It's so sad to be in that state of mistrust of the government and thinking that the system is so completely fucked that you just don't want to stop it. | ||
| Don't even talk about it to me. | ||
| Did you hear what the Democrats did on the floor today? | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| Shut up, World of Warcraft. | ||
| Here's my new deal. | ||
| Talk to me about your wizards. | ||
| It's the same shit. | ||
| When people say that all Republicans are just fucking idiots, Midwestern morons, it's just so silly to write half the country that they can't have any point at all. | ||
| I agree with Republicans on a lot of shit. | ||
| A lot of shit. | ||
| Gun control shit. | ||
| Separation of taste. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If everybody would be like old school conservative Republican the way it was supposed to be, it would be smaller business, smaller government, get the fuck out of our lives, leave people alone, leave people that have personal freedom. | ||
| But somewhere along the line, conservative didn't become that. | ||
| Being a Republican wasn't about... | ||
| It wasn't about limited government. | ||
| Like all things, they become, what is the most profitable? | ||
| What's the best way to do this? | ||
| Well, the best way to do this is be completely intertwined with business so they're fucking robbing the world and bribing us all the time. | ||
| Well, that's how we do it. | ||
| Let's just do it that way. | ||
| And so that's where it is. | ||
| So Republican or Democrat or whatever the fuck it is, it's all just some shell game that involves people making absurd amounts of money doing shit that most people wouldn't want them doing. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| So it doesn't matter. | ||
| Well, offshore drilling and all sorts of creepy fucking shit that goes on. | ||
| Germany said they want to get rid of nuclear power plants, as is Sweden. | ||
| Sweden is powering off their shit, too. | ||
| By 2050, they want to be completely off. | ||
| They're fucking smart, man. | ||
| They just have to figure out how to use those renewable ones and how to store the energy. | ||
| Dude, it's the scariest thing in the world. | ||
| The idea that they've created some area that you cannot go to for the next who knows how many fucking thousand years. | ||
| But that spot, that one spot will fuck you up a thousand years from now. | ||
| They said you couldn't eat vegetables for like six months or a year. | ||
| They said there's still some berries 25 years later you still can't eat. | ||
| Because they store it in a certain way. | ||
| Are they researching a thing to stop that or to fix that? | ||
| Like a goo that they could spray in the air? | ||
| I bet they are. | ||
| I'm pretty sure they are. | ||
| That would be worth some research. | ||
| It's a pretty elemental problem. | ||
| I mean, what you've done is created nuclear fission or fusion? | ||
| Which one is it? | ||
| Sounds good. | ||
| It's one of those. | ||
| It's fission or fusion. | ||
| One of them's a bomb, or one of them is the sun, and one of them is a nuclear power plant. | ||
| Somebody reminded me of this on Twitter. | ||
| Which one's Infanta? | ||
| When I was joking around, because I always joke around that these guys in Japan have made a sun in the middle of the field, and now they can't shut it off. | ||
| I mean, it really is kind of what it's like. | ||
| I mean, I know it's not exactly the same thing, but it is something preposterously powerful that you can't even fucking go near, and we created it. | ||
| Why don't we just use that as where to put all the world's garbage? | ||
| That's not a bad idea. | ||
| Right? | ||
| This area sucks. | ||
| This area sucks, so this area is just going to be a Tetris of nasty shit. | ||
| Yeah, fly over and just dump it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that's actually a wonderful idea. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I like it a lot. | ||
| Or prison cells. | ||
| No, now you're pushing it. | ||
| Dude, did you... | ||
| Make it a reality show. | ||
| Did you... | ||
| Watch some morph? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| There's the latest thing on this Large Hadron Collider situation is that the Large Hadron Collider, talking about shit that you can never get away from. | ||
| The Large Hadron Collider has created a gluon quark, a quark gluon plasma. | ||
| And it's many, many times more dense than a neutron star. | ||
| This shit is so dense that if you'd have a sugar cube size of it, it's like 40 billion pounds. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| That's what are they going to do with that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
How do they do that? | |
| Yeah, hey. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How do they make that? | |
| Is that stuff that Is it round? | ||
| They made that on their way to blowing up the fucking world, is how they made it. | ||
| If I was in that hot water collider, I'd figure out a way to do jousting in it. | ||
| It's the densest matter available. | ||
| It's, like, impossible for us to even wrap our heads around how dense this shit is. | ||
| What's really crazy about that is it's nothing compared to the density of the original universe, according to the Big Bang Theory. | ||
| The Big Bang Theory states that the entire universe was smaller than the head of a pin. | ||
| Somehow or another, just one point of infinite density. | ||
| Popped open. | ||
| And it just exploded and created everything. | ||
| I mean, it's a very controversial theory. | ||
| There's a bunch of other ones that other people believe in, like... | ||
| Brains, like membranes theories. | ||
| That there's like every universe is like a membrane. | ||
| Sometimes they collide with each other and it's a never-ending cycle. | ||
| And then there's another... | ||
| There's a bunch of different theories of constant expansion and contraction. | ||
| That's what the universe does infinitely. | ||
| Just constantly expands and contracts forever. | ||
| Just like your breath. | ||
| That stuff used to interest me when I was in sixth grade. | ||
| That's when I was super into that, when I found out the universe opened and closed. | ||
| And then I just sort of stopped. | ||
| You just got tired. | ||
| I was like, I don't know, I guess. | ||
| There's a lot of shit I don't understand. | ||
| It doesn't affect you so you don't think about it? | ||
| I guess. | ||
| I just stopped thinking about it. | ||
| Man, I'm obsessed with all that shit. | ||
| I'm obsessed with anything nutty like this that I don't think anybody's paying attention to. | ||
| Especially this quark, gluon, plasma, whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| That just... | ||
| If you had your choice, would you have them shut down the large hundred car liar so you could look into it further? | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| I think it's natural. | ||
| I think what people are doing... | ||
| I don't want to be anywhere near it, but I think what people are doing is a natural thing. | ||
| I think that we have... | ||
| A built-in tendency towards accelerating technology. | ||
| We cannot stop. | ||
| We can't help ourselves. | ||
| We need to know. | ||
| We need to know what happens when I do this. | ||
| What happens when I do that? | ||
| I mean, look, what they're doing there. | ||
| They're spending... | ||
| There's 10,000 scientists from 100 different countries. | ||
| They have spent billions and billions of dollars. | ||
| And none of what they're doing is going to help pull oil out of the ocean or fix our food problem or fix our... | ||
| What are they trying to do? | ||
| Or are they just trying to see... | ||
| What they're trying to do is create a, they were trying to create a God particle. | ||
| This is a theoretical particle called the Higgs-Boson particle. | ||
| And this is a particle that existed milliseconds after the Big Bang. | ||
| And it's this theoretical particle, if they can prove its existence, it puts a lot of the pieces together of like some sort of a unified theory of what, you know, what creates the universe, what the universe is made of, what's matter made of. | ||
| So if they make enough of these particles and put them together? | ||
| They don't even know if it's real. | ||
| They're trying to make it. | ||
| And on their way to ramping up to make it, they're making shit like this quark, gluon, whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| So what if they make this particle, then what do they get? | ||
| Well, if they do, they also get little black holes. | ||
| That's one of the things they get. | ||
| This is a real issue that some people are concerned with. | ||
| Some scientists say you don't have to worry about it because it's just going to disappear because their mass can't exist. | ||
| They're too small. | ||
| They don't have enough gravity. | ||
| They'll disappear. | ||
| But fucking how do you know, man? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Nobody's ever made a black hole before, shithead. | ||
| You're just out there pressing buttons. | ||
| And I'm not saying they shouldn't be doing it. | ||
| I'm not saying they shouldn't be doing it. | ||
| Don't get me wrong. | ||
| People are like, what are you, stifling science? | ||
| As if, you know, science... | ||
| You have to look at it all objectively, man. | ||
| Science doesn't get a free pass. | ||
| You have to look at it all objectively. | ||
| You have to look at what the fuck they're doing. | ||
| What are they doing? | ||
| You're smashing atoms together. | ||
| And you guys are playing with rocks. | ||
| You guys are crazy, egghead, genius motherfuckers that talk some people into letting you break a fucking hole through this dimension. | ||
| That's what you're doing. | ||
| You know what this is like? | ||
| This is like Half-Life. | ||
| This is like that goddamn video game. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| They blew a hole through another dimension. | ||
| Giant crabs came out and fought people up. | ||
| I'm picturing you sitting in front of your computer at 3.30 in the morning just going, no! | ||
| I can't help myself. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| I can't help myself. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Weird. | |
| They're crazy. | ||
| People are crazy. | ||
| Could you imagine the reviews of the Courtyard of the Merit across the street from the Collider? | ||
| Cons across the street from the large Hydeon Collider. | ||
| There's nothing anywhere near this. | ||
| There's a Howard Johnson's across the street. | ||
| Yeah, it's an IHOP and they're complaining. | ||
| Free breakfast, but across the street from Black Hole. | ||
| I wonder what it sounds like when atoms collide at light speed. | ||
| I bet it sounds like... | ||
| What if it sounds like gay porn? | ||
| Yeah, I wonder if it sounds like anything, right? | ||
| It's probably just... | ||
| What if it does sound like, stick it in. | ||
| No, you stick it in. | ||
| And it won't go away. | ||
| For the rest of our life, we have to hear that. | ||
| And my thoughts about... | ||
| Where all of a sudden nobody hears anything for one second. | ||
| Right. | ||
| The whole world just skips a beat. | ||
| And then it went to this... | ||
| Comes right back. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, you know, my worry about this is not this, necessarily. | ||
| It's about what does this spawn? | ||
| The atomic weapons that were first created in 1940-whatever, they eventually spawned much smaller compact, much more dangerous atomic, much more powerful atomic weapons. | ||
| What is this going to spawn? | ||
| They're not going to stop at the Large Hadron Collider. | ||
| A hundred years from now, they're not going to be sitting around going, well, there's no need to keep fucking around with things. | ||
| Never ending search for more knowledge. | ||
| Yeah, well, never ending search for more knowledge and fucking with things, pressing buttons, seeing what happens. | ||
| Making God Particles. | ||
| Do you remember the movie Black Hole? | ||
| No. | ||
| What was that? | ||
| It's a Disney movie. | ||
| It's like the first R-rated Disney movie. | ||
| It was about a black hole going into a black hole. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| What happens? | ||
| What movie was this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm not going to... | |
| 1980... | ||
| 82? | ||
| Oh, it must have been awesome. | ||
| Oh, it's badass. | ||
| It must have been awesome. | ||
| It was a complete rip-off of like, well, it was not a rip-off, but trying to get on the bandwagon of Star Wars. | ||
| Oh, science fiction? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, they had robots like R2-D2s, but they had to like paint them and make these big eyes on them and stuff like that. | ||
| But they're pretty much floating R2-D2s. | ||
| It's pretty badass. | ||
| I would recommend it. | ||
| Badass for being terrible. | ||
| Badass, yeah. | ||
| Do you remember a good? | ||
| Huh? | ||
| The end, though. | ||
| I don't want to give it away. | ||
| The end. | ||
| Just give it away. | ||
| No one's giving it away, bro. | ||
| You don't have to worry about spoilers. | ||
| The producers will be happy that you didn't even mention this. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| The end is really fucked up, and I would not ruin the end. | ||
| But the guy that did... | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| No, it's fucked up. | ||
| You guys want to see this movie. | ||
| You guys want to smoke a shitload of weed and see the black hole. | ||
| I really don't. | ||
| You really will want it. | ||
| I've got to be in the right mood for something terrible. | ||
| I've still got to get to Toy Story 3. But the guy that did Tron, the Neutron remake, he's now redoing Black Hole. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| And so it's kind of cool. | ||
| The Neutron wasn't bad. | ||
| It wasn't great, but it wasn't bad. | ||
| It was pretty fun. | ||
| I went to re-watch the old one and I was like, oh, I don't have any interest in watching this new thing. | ||
| Oh, it's good. | ||
| Especially in 3D. It's not bad. | ||
| Yeah, 3D was cool. | ||
| I saw a priest last night in 3D. It was pretty fun. | ||
| I was a priest, yeah. | ||
| Pretty fun. | ||
| Which one's a priest? | ||
| Who was in that? | ||
| Vampire killer dudes. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That looks pretty cool. | ||
| Yeah, it's fun. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| Stupid. | ||
| Fun. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm going to get Piranha 3D. I still haven't seen Piranha. | ||
| It's like a comic book movie. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I want to see The Hangover, too. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Americana. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They have a thing there where you can get 130 different types of sodas. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| You choose your base, like Fanta, Fanta Light, Sprite Zero, Coke Zero, Coke. | ||
| Diet Coke. | ||
| And then on top of that, so you can get like orange-flavored caffeine-free Diet Coke. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a mixer. | ||
| You can get grape Sprite Zero. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| You can get... | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| It's a stoner's delight. | ||
| Oh, I sat that for like 15 minutes. | ||
| Oh, my goodness. | ||
| The girl I was with was like, all right, people are waiting. | ||
| I'm like, you can let them wait longer. | ||
| I haven't seen everything yet. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Wow, Ari held up the line. | ||
| Yeah, he would be horrible to be behind. | ||
| I know, Ari. | ||
| He would dissect every single flavor. | ||
| I got lost in it. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Sorry, you shouldn't put up that many if you don't expect people to look. | ||
| Or how about you let us in early? | ||
| I asked the lady specifically, can I get in? | ||
| I'm high. | ||
| It's going to take me a long time. | ||
| And she said, not until 20 minutes before the movie. | ||
| Have you seen the flashback sodas? | ||
| Were you told her you were high? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was like, it's going to take me a really long time to decide what I want. | ||
| I'm really high. | ||
| Can I just go in now? | ||
| I've seen the flashback sodas. | ||
| They've taken Pepsi and Mountain Dew. | ||
| They have the old cans and then they have real cane sugar going back to real cane sugar. | ||
| Do you think they should let stone people in movie theaters early? | ||
| Sort of like how they let babies on board airplanes early? | ||
| Yes, deal with it. | ||
| Because you don't want me stuck lying behind me. | ||
| Wheelchairs and babies, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| People with small children. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Just let them on board quicker. | ||
| It's an impediment at certain points. | ||
| It's not a bad idea. | ||
| Ari, do you think you over-medicate on marijuana? | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| No, I mean, I don't know. | ||
| What's over-medication? | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| You wake up, the second you wake up, you smoke weed all the way to the second you go to sleep. | ||
| You don't think you do that? | ||
| No, I don't do that. | ||
| What do you mean you don't think he does that? | ||
| You're completely saying I do, but I don't. | ||
| Because you smoke a shitload of weed. | ||
| Every time I talk to you, you're like, I've already had... | ||
| Well, I just wondered. | ||
| No, but you don't have to call me a liar. | ||
| I'll tell you what I do. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| I'll admit to anything, but I don't wake up and start smoking pot. | ||
| I usually take care of all my errands. | ||
| Today I didn't, so I couldn't go to the bank. | ||
| The way you asked him was a tad on the douchey side. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| It's a true fact that Joey Diaz does the same. | ||
| He wakes up and smokes weed all day and stuff like that. | ||
| Every time I hang out with Ari, Ari's already completely baked out of his mind and it's like noon. | ||
| Every time I hang out with Ari. | ||
| Well, maybe he knows he's going to hang out with you. | ||
| He wants to get high and make a conversation interesting. | ||
| If I go to my podcast, I don't like to do it right before I go on. | ||
| That's just a legitimate question, though. | ||
| But you said it, douchey. | ||
| The second time. | ||
| Do you over-medicate? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Later. | ||
| You want me to explain? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I mean, you wake up the first thing in the morning and I was like, no, I don't do that. | ||
| And you go, okay, you don't think you wake up first thing in the morning and smoke. | ||
| It's a very clear use of the word think. | ||
| It's kind of douchey. | ||
| To question the truth of my statement. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what I... The better way to do it would be to explore... | |
| Alright, I'm sorry that I came across douchey. | ||
| It's fine. | ||
| That's not what I was going for. | ||
| It's alright, dude. | ||
| But the important thing is, the real question is, how often are you getting high all day? | ||
| Like, how many days? | ||
| I get high every day. | ||
| Every day? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Damn! | ||
| Shazam! | ||
| You don't take no days off? | ||
| Um... | ||
| If I take a day off, you'll probably hear about it. | ||
| It's a noteworthy moment. | ||
| Yeah, well, you know. | ||
| But also, at this point, I got high for like an hour, and then I'm completely fine. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, unless I get some honey butter like I got last night. | ||
| A little bit every day, unless you get like a cookie. | ||
| Yeah, cookies in all day. | ||
| Let's have some fun. | ||
| I went to Six Flags a couple weeks ago, or last week. | ||
| With Eric Abrams and Ryan Sickler. | ||
| And we all had some of those stuff from NOCC, the banana breads. | ||
| I keep hearing about these terrifying banana breads. | ||
| Stay away from those. | ||
| On roller coasters, it was so good. | ||
| I had about three quarters of one, and it was like, oh my god, Jesus! | ||
| Jesus! | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| I couldn't even imagine being that baked on a roller coaster. | ||
| It's so great. | ||
| Especially Six Flags. | ||
| Those are hardcore ones. | ||
| Those are so extreme. | ||
| They have one where you strap in and they lift your legs up so you're just flying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| You can only look down into nothingness. | ||
| What is that one called? | ||
| X something? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| X2. They didn't have an X2. I don't know if that was that one. | ||
| It might have been. | ||
| They had an X2, the Viper. | ||
| It was so fun. | ||
| It's so fun. | ||
| Season pass. | ||
| You have to take everything out of your pockets. | ||
| You can't have nothing in your pockets because that shit will go flying. | ||
| This is what I did this time. | ||
| You get whipped around. | ||
| I said, fuck it. | ||
| I'm going to risk my glasses. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I had a hoodie on. | ||
| I tied my glasses to the strings of my hoodie. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| And it never fell off, though. | ||
| They almost got close. | ||
| But I was like, if they fall off, fuck it. | ||
| I got to hold on or I'm going to die. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| So it's like, yeah, but they never fell off. | ||
| They got close, and then I managed to push them back. | ||
| Dude, deaths in amusement parks are like, whenever you see that Final Destinations movie, you know those movies where people are dying, it's always like a bunch of different, I never saw one of them, but I have seen, I mean, I think they must have done like five of them. | ||
| I always see the fucking previews. | ||
| A train hits somebody. | ||
| A bus flips over on someone. | ||
| There's not many deaths on roller coasters and stuff like that, really. | ||
| But there is a lot of getting stuck. | ||
| And you don't see that much. | ||
| Have you ever seen the video of the people stuck upside down on a coaster for four hours or something like that? | ||
| That's worse than the fucking Final Destination flying off the track. | ||
| Can you imagine being upside down that long? | ||
| That would be horrible. | ||
| And that shit happens all the fucking time. | ||
| At first it's scary. | ||
| Are you sure? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| At first it's super scary. | ||
| That shit's all the time. | ||
| Because they don't even have to report. | ||
| Did they have to report that? | ||
| There's no one that dies on that. | ||
| Safety features worked. | ||
| No one got hurt. | ||
| Oh my god, that's terrifying. | ||
| Sickly was saying somebody lost their cowboy hat on one ride and so jumped the fence to get it. | ||
| Oh no. | ||
| And as he got it, he picked his head up. | ||
| Decapitated. | ||
| And obliterated his head. | ||
| Somebody hit it with a foot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Like it was coming through one of those standing things. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| And their foot got shattered. | ||
| And he just died instantly. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| It's like, leave your hat. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Don't climb the fence. | ||
| Those things go like three feet from the ground. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| People make some fucking terrible decisions, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Man, people make some terrible goddamn decisions. | ||
| But yeah, those are good days for edibles. | ||
| Can you imagine the thought that went through that guy's mind right before that chick's foot went through his mind? | ||
| Imagine how bad it would hurt. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you even see it coming? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Do you say, oh my god, I can't get out of here? | ||
| Oh my god, this is too close to the ground? | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| If you're looking right at it, as you pick up and then just coming around, yeah, it's too late. | ||
| How fast did they go? | ||
| So fast! | ||
| Well, I know the fastest one was in Abu Dhabi. | ||
| They had just installed it. | ||
| And it was a Ferrari-themed one. | ||
| Because we did a UFC there, Ferrari World. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, a big, crazy fucking roller coaster with, like, you know... | ||
| One of them was listed at over 100 miles an hour, I think. | ||
| That's this one. | ||
| This is the fastest one. | ||
| This is the newest and fastest. | ||
| There was one of six flags that said that. | ||
| This is probably as fast as the one you're talking about. | ||
| I think this one is new. | ||
| The one in Ferrari world, I think it's like this year. | ||
| I'm pretty sure it's the fastest one ever. | ||
| But if somebody hits your... | ||
| Head with a foot at 100 miles an hour. | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| Lots of really fast... | ||
| It would suck for your foot, too, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fucking... | |
| Yeah, her leg got shattered because some douche had to pick up his hat. | ||
| His cowboy hat. | ||
| Yeah, she might walk with a limp forever. | ||
| Hey, my hat's there. | ||
| Is there any way I can get it? | ||
| What a crazy story she'll have, though. | ||
| You know what freaks me out is those traveling amusement parks that are in parking lots where out of nowhere there's this roller coaster in the parking lot of a Costco. | ||
| Circus Vargas. | ||
| Yeah, those Mexican Disney World. | ||
| All the kids from the store went to Gallup Mushrooms and went to watch it last week, the week before. | ||
| That shit's scary, man. | ||
| I remember my mom taking me to one of those as a kid and I'm thinking, Mike, mom, that's like bad parenting. | ||
| Somebody set that up. | ||
| You shouldn't have control. | ||
| You should not be able to choose that for me. | ||
| That's murder. | ||
| Yeah, there was always those down, I guess like in New Hampshire. | ||
| I'm trying to figure out where it would go. | ||
| We'd go to one of the beaches, one of the beach towns, and there was like those little fucking carnival things there and just really wonky roller coasters and shit where you like really shouldn't be on it. | ||
| It's just erector sets. | ||
| They're not even real metal. | ||
| It's just erector sets. | ||
| Tons of erector sets. | ||
| And they used to have like haunted houses and shit and go into this shitty haunted house. | ||
| It was terrible. | ||
| It was like a skeleton with like a light bulb on it. | ||
| You know, like someone pops up. | ||
| I'm like, yeah, yeah, you scared me, you fuck. | ||
| It's better than doing nothing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We'll go there. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| God, I wish I could remember exactly what beach all this shit was on, but they were just one whack-ass ride after another. | ||
| They were all terrible. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It was awful. | ||
| Just movements. | ||
| And they were all just waiting to go flying off the tracks and into the stands. | ||
| And all those people with their fake IDs at work there would just disappear. | ||
| All the people that owned it. | ||
| You know what was really cool that I just thought of is that – I don't know how it was where you guys live, but in haunted houses back in the day in Columbus, Ohio, it used to be like, oh, remember that old house in the corner? | ||
| They're about to tear it down, but they're going to make it a haunted house the last year. | ||
| I like that. | ||
| Seeing it every day as a child driving by that one old crazy house and then knowing it's going to get torn down right after this haunted house, it feels like that house is just even a thousand times more scarier. | ||
| I remember just going through these old houses looking around going, wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is an old creepy house that needs to be torn down, you know? | |
| That's a cool idea. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fucking use it. | ||
| What's up with those dudes who do that shit on their front lawn on Halloween? | ||
| Like turn their front lawn into like a haunted house? | ||
| Child molesters? | ||
| There was one we went trick-or-treating and they had a maze. | ||
| This guy had built a maze. | ||
| I'm like, this is just a rape trap. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Built a maze on his front lawn. | ||
| Have you ever been down to the Venice Canals before like Halloween? | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh, they all do up their yards. | ||
| It's really awesome. | ||
| Really? | ||
| That and Christmas lights. | ||
| The Venice Canals are supposed to be really nice, but I know two people that live there that got robbed. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Never heard of it. | ||
| Houses got broken into. | ||
| Oh, that I could see. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That I could see. | ||
| You're right there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like, you know when you walk on the boardwalk in San Diego or wherever, and you're like, oh, I can see into your living room. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Through this glass thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This living room that you're here only on weekends in the summer. | ||
| Yeah, well, not only that, there's a lot of our celebrities, and they say, you know, they want everybody to know where they live because they think it's like a hip spot. | ||
| And then, like, Jesus, stupid, there's not that many houses there. | ||
| So people just go wandering around. | ||
| Hey, look at that. | ||
| That's that chick from that fucking TV show. | ||
| Let's break in there. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| They know when you're working. | ||
| You're working all day. | ||
| You've got a 16 hour day job hooker. | ||
| I'm in Vancouver on set. | ||
| They're like, oh great. | ||
| They're like, awesome. | ||
| We'll rob your house. | ||
| Thanks for the heads up. | ||
| I'm going to jerk off on your pillow soon. | ||
| How many people did that? | ||
| Jerked off on their pillow. | ||
| If you knew you were in Megan Fox's house, I would definitely at least go over to the pillow and just go. | ||
| Would you smell her underwear if it was on the ground? | ||
| If you said it like that, as you pointed to her underwear. | ||
| But I wouldn't pick two on my own. | ||
| You wouldn't pick two on your own? | ||
| No, I don't think so. | ||
| Is that something all guys do, is sniff underwear? | ||
| I don't. | ||
| I'm not into it. | ||
| Pussy, yes. | ||
| You've done it, though. | ||
| You've done it? | ||
| Of course, I've done a lot of things. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I've done it. | |
| Yes, you've done it. | ||
| I've masturbated while I was shitting. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Never done that. | ||
| Let's see if I could. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can. | |
| I can. | ||
| Scientific theory proven. | ||
| What? | ||
| Jason keeps his girlfriend's panties in a Ziploc bag when she goes out of town just to keep the smell so he can pull it out. | ||
| Weird. | ||
| And I gave her a good tip and he was like, thanks a lot for that tip. | ||
| Before the girl leaves or his girlfriend leaves, Danielle needs to take her underwear and stuff it inside of her and it's so much better for the smell. | ||
| Why don't you just go over there and blow him? | ||
| That's what you want to do. | ||
| Giving him tips. | ||
| Hey, I know you're really fucked up and creepy with underwear. | ||
| Here's a way to get a little more fucked up and creepy. | ||
| A little bit more smell. | ||
| Take them and put them in a zippy. | ||
| Put them in a little Ziploc bag. | ||
| Maybe like a little, you can take a little paper towel and moisten it. | ||
| Sort of like you would do if you're carrying home cigars. | ||
| Yeah, you should do dryer sheets, something that really holds the smell. | ||
| Yeah, holds the smell in. | ||
| Shove that shit up there, and then get fucking wet. | ||
| It's important, because the smell of good pussy is a delicious thing, but the smell of bad pussy is probably the worst smell you can smell next to some horrible chemical shit that's going to kill you. | ||
| When you smell a girl that has an yeast infection, that is easily the most... | ||
| It's worse than shit. | ||
| It's the worst thing to have to ignore. | ||
| It's a smell that smells worse than shit. | ||
| It really does, right? | ||
| Wouldn't you agree? | ||
| It's like a worse smell than shit. | ||
| It's nature's way of telling you, you don't want this, kid. | ||
| It's like trying to scare you off. | ||
| Nature's trying to scare you off. | ||
| The worst is when you look... | ||
| What happens with those things? | ||
| First of all, you get that shit on you. | ||
| You can get a yeast infection. | ||
| A man can get one as well. | ||
| Who knows what she's got down there? | ||
| What happens when a guy gets a yeast infection? | ||
| It smells. | ||
| It gets creamy. | ||
| Dick cheese? | ||
| Yeah, I get dick cheese. | ||
| I think that's what dick cheese is. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| I think it's like some stuff that's not supposed to be there. | ||
| Some sort of, like, excretion. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's itchy. | |
| An excretion? | ||
| It's an itchy excretion? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It comes out of your dick? | ||
| Could be from all sorts of pores. | ||
| If you have sex with a girl with a... | ||
| Yeah, it cheeses up on you. | ||
| You can get... | ||
| It's pretty easy for a girl to get a yeast infection, too. | ||
| You know when you see girls putting chocolate syrup on them in porn videos and stuff? | ||
| That's sugar. | ||
| Sugar makes yeast. | ||
| That can easily give you a yeast infection. | ||
| Brian is the king of information on how to fuck up a corn star's life. | ||
| So obviously that's how you get used up a corn star's life. | ||
| When you're doing those scenes, which do come up in everyone's life... | ||
| You know, lesbians, bags of sugar, whatever, whatever. | ||
| That's the afternoons. | ||
| Yeah, it's the story of stuff. | ||
| You're the king of that. | ||
| Thursday. | ||
| It's a weird thing, man. | ||
| Their bodies are like, you know, I mean, we're all of our bodies. | ||
| We just don't think about it. | ||
| Our, you know, housing all sorts of different healthy and non-healthy friendly bacteria, unfriendly bacteria, you know, all sorts of shit on your skin. | ||
| And when you have any sort of an imbalance like that, some sort of a It could be for women. | ||
| It could be their diet. | ||
| Stuff they eat makes them have yeast infections. | ||
| It could be the black shit underneath your fingernail and you just shove it into the girl's pussy and next thing you know, she's got WD-40 and poop inside her pussy. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Or you could have a dog and she's allergic to dogs. | ||
| You start finger banging her and all of a sudden the inside of her pussy swells up and itches. | ||
| You ate shrimp at fucking Red Lobster and she's deathly allergic to Red Lobster. | ||
| Right. | ||
| The red lobster comes out your dick and it's still potent, son. | ||
| Tentacle porn. | ||
| I wonder if you ate mushrooms and a chick blew you. | ||
| Is there any way that a girl can't get an yeast infection then? | ||
| It sounds like they're always going to get it no matter what. | ||
| Keep her legs shut for Jesus Christ. | ||
| I wonder if you ate mushrooms and a chick blew you, if she could get some of the effect. | ||
| Ooh, I wonder. | ||
| I wonder if you could. | ||
| Because I know that you could drink piss, and the piss actually contains psilocybin, and it actually takes the trip to the next level. | ||
| That's what the shamans tell you you're supposed to do. | ||
| When you're full on tripping, when you don't think you can get any higher, you're supposed to drink your piss. | ||
| And when you drink your piss, it's all that psilocybin that's gone through your system and passes through into your urine. | ||
| Your urine is basically sterile. | ||
| People worry about drinking it, but it's disgusting in thought. | ||
| But in reality, it's really not that big a deal. | ||
| People drink it all the time and stay alive and they get stuck on boats and shit. | ||
| It's either drink your piss and live or don't drink your piss and die of dehydration. | ||
| It's pretty fucking simple. | ||
| It's gross. | ||
| When you're high as fuck and you drink your piss, apparently the mushrooms kick you into another door. | ||
| Brian had a breakthrough mushroom trip that we talked about yesterday where he had seven grams. | ||
| Wow, really? | ||
| Seven grams? | ||
| The world dissolved and he became a part of some other world. | ||
| How much did that cost you? | ||
| They cost me anything. | ||
| Those are the ones you got last minute? | ||
| Huh? | ||
| Those are the ones you got last minute? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| What kind of an inside conversation is this, boys? | ||
| We're talking about a very important thing that happened. | ||
| You know what I was thinking about? | ||
| I saw the story of Pixar the other day. | ||
| Like, where'd you get it? | ||
| Did you get it from Bob? | ||
| No. | ||
| Did you get it from John? | ||
| What about Timmy? | ||
| I saw the story of Pixar the other day, and he was talking about how creation of CGI is all like triangles. | ||
| And when I was having that breakthrough on mushrooms the other day, that's what I was looking at my hand that everything was triangles. | ||
| And so animation, like a person's face and stuff, it's just tons and tons of triangles. | ||
| So I'm thinking, wow, what if I broke through and found out that I am a program? | ||
| And that's when I was seeing my hand that was triangles? | ||
| I saw the inner programming of my hand? | ||
| Well, you know, that's a huge scientific theory, believe it or not. | ||
| That the world is some sort of a computer recreation. | ||
| That our reality is not, in fact, reality. | ||
| It's some sort of an artificial reality that's... | ||
| That's been created. | ||
| No, it's not even the Matrix. | ||
| The Matrix idea was that we were using the human body. | ||
| They had to make it dark and disgusting. | ||
| The human body had gotten stuck to this machine and it was sucking off all the biological power. | ||
| Yeah, but mostly that it was just a computer program. | ||
| Yeah, sort of. | ||
| But it was also sort of like a devious one that was plotted to keep people down. | ||
| The idea is that the life that we're living, there is no real world. | ||
| Everything that you see and encounter is all just a part of your imagination. | ||
| All of it is. | ||
| And this world that you live in, the people that you interact with, are all people that you've created. | ||
| In your mind, in a solipsistic world. | ||
| And you would say, well, that's bullshit because I have my own world and I have my own Jesus. | ||
| So you're saying that I can do? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That's the theory. | ||
| The theory is you have your own universe too. | ||
| Yeah, of course you'd say that. | ||
| And our universes interact with each other. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| And we can change each other. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, there's a lot of wonky fucking ideas when it comes to, you know, what is reality? | ||
| And what is consciousness? | ||
| And what is our place here? | ||
| Wouldn't it be that if you built that universe in your head that everyone else is just a part of your head so they don't really exist? | ||
| They're just telling you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Yeah, but I know that too. | ||
| In your world, I'm just saying this, but I don't really have any thoughts on my own. | ||
| The idea would be that there would be more than one universe. | ||
| The idea would be that everyone would have their own... | ||
| Well, you could call it a universe. | ||
| But we all exist on the earth? | ||
| Yeah, we somehow or another coexist inside each other's universes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And that they're almost completely independent of each other, but when they interact with each other, they can change each other back and forth. | ||
| It sounds like total ridiculous hippie talk, but if you look at scientific interpretations of what some sort of a computer program of life would be and how detailed it could get... | ||
| Well, with the exponential increase in technology, it can get absolutely unrecognizable. | ||
| Computer simulation, one day, will be impossible to stop it from being as real as real life. | ||
| Impossible. | ||
| So to say that we are absolutely not in that, when we know what human beings are capable of... | ||
| We already talked about this quark-glue-on thing, where there's this insanely dense matter... | ||
| Like the holodeck in Star Trek? | ||
| That's possible. | ||
| Yeah, where you just think everything's real and you have people fighting you. | ||
| That's possible. | ||
| All that shit's possible. | ||
| This might not be real. | ||
| It's possible that... | ||
| I mean, it sounds completely ridiculous. | ||
| And I'm absolutely agreeing with anyone right now who's going, this is fucking total stoner talk. | ||
| Yes, it is. | ||
| Yes, it is. | ||
| But it's also possible. | ||
| It's possible that reality is some sort of a computer simulation. | ||
| Okay, so then what? | ||
| Yeah, that's a big question. | ||
| When I came out of being sick and puking and going through these phases of just being this body was ill, out of nowhere, I just became better. | ||
| And I remember laying in bed. | ||
| Yeah, we talked about this yesterday. | ||
| I remember laying in bed going, you know what, I think I just died back there in some other world. | ||
| And in some other world, you are just going, oh my god, you're dead. | ||
| And this is a whole different... | ||
| I froze up and I was reset. | ||
| My program was reset. | ||
| It might be. | ||
| Because I felt like, I was like, wait a second, why do I feel 100% right now? | ||
| And just a couple minutes ago, I was... | ||
| And to the person out there, to the skeptic, to the cynic, the people out there go, yeah, yeah, yeah, this is what you're doing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're jacking your brain up with chemicals, and your five senses are being overloaded. | |
| For our limited understanding of this reality and whatever the fuck else is possible out there, just relax on that. | ||
| I know what you're saying. | ||
| I'm with you 100%. | ||
| Of course, you're taking drugs and some wacky shit happens when you take the drugs and you think it's real. | ||
| Ho, ho, hippie. | ||
| What is death? | ||
| What is life? | ||
| What is the energy that takes us here and takes us into another place? | ||
| It's the same thing as liquor where it's like you just barfed and you feel better. | ||
| What is mushrooms? | ||
| It's something on this planet. | ||
| But it's what makes you think that that's what's interesting to worry about. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| What I'm saying here is what everyone's worrying about is what sounds ridiculous. | ||
| But what they're not worrying about is how ridiculous are mushrooms in the first place. | ||
| I mean, you're talking about, well, it can't possibly be that you're reacting to a higher consciousness. | ||
| It's just chemicals in the... | ||
| Listen, how crazy is it that there's a fucking little plant that you can eat that can fuck your mind up so deep? | ||
| How crazy is it that there's this little thing that's like that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's cool. | |
| That you can take it and it can take you to a cartoon world of impossible images. | ||
| That's his defense mechanism as a plant. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just like a jalapeno pepper. | ||
| But why? | ||
| It makes you want to eat it. | ||
| It makes us want to eat it. | ||
| But the deer's... | ||
| That it originally encountered, it told them, like, don't, because it'll fuck you up. | ||
| Is that true? | ||
| Yeah, just like that's... | ||
| Well, I know that's true with hot peppers, but did you know that the Amanita Muscaria is, like, the number one food for caribou? | ||
| They love it. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, that crazy red and white snowman-looking Santa Claus mushroom? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's the one that... | ||
| Oh, yeah, that's a cool one. | ||
| Yeah, it's the Amanita mushroom. | ||
| That's the one from the... | ||
| The sacred mushroom in the cross, and that's the one that looks like Santa Claus. | ||
| They love that shit. | ||
| The reindeer are famous for it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| They just keep eating it? | ||
| Yeah, that's how the whole shaman Santa Claus myth happened with reindeer. | ||
| That's how reindeer got in the mix. | ||
| Oh, cool. | ||
| See, the whole idea, and if you haven't heard this, it's a crazy theory. | ||
| I don't know how much of it makes sense. | ||
| But the idea is that this mushroom represents Santa Claus. | ||
| And that Santa Claus, when you see this Santa Claus... | ||
| And you see him, and he's like bringing you packages under the Christmas tree. | ||
| Well, those packages, those bright, shiny packages, what those packages are is those mushrooms have a micro-rhizal relationship with that tree, with pine trees. | ||
| They grow under these fucking pine trees. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And they grow in the forest and people collect them. | ||
| And that Santa Claus was a shaman. | ||
| And the reason why they hung red stockings in front of the fire, those aren't stockings. | ||
| Those are red mushrooms. | ||
| Those mushrooms are red and white. | ||
| They're all red and white. | ||
| Yeah, they are the colors of Santa Claus. | ||
| And that's how they dry them out. | ||
| They would hang them in front of the fireplace. | ||
| That's how they preserve them. | ||
| And that's also why they hang them on trees. | ||
| You hang them on trees to dry them out. | ||
| Yeah, it's what you make of your reality. | ||
| As you're tripping out, you're like, whatever, those drapes become fucking something, a waterfall or something. | ||
| What's the poisonous one? | ||
| I thought the poisonous one was the red. | ||
| The Amanita Muscara is a little bit poisonous. | ||
| Yeah, I thought that was the one to stay away from. | ||
| Well, when I say poisonous, it's an LD50 rate that you have to worry about. | ||
| You have to worry about toxicity. | ||
| There's some that look like psychedelic mushrooms, but they're really toxic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You've got to be really careful. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, there's some that will fuck you up, man. | ||
| But it's all in what kills us doesn't kill other things, and what kills other things doesn't kill us. | ||
| You know, like sheep. | ||
| Sheep can't eat DMT. If sheep eat DMT, they fucking fall down to the ground, their little legs stick up, and they have seizures and they die. | ||
| Like dogs and chocolate. | ||
| Yeah, if they eat grass that has a high DMT content, they're fucked. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Weird. | |
| Look at us. | ||
| We have it in our brains. | ||
| We can smoke it and trip out and we're relatively fine. | ||
| Dogs can't eat chocolate. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| So when they do tests on other animals, that's one of the things you have to consider. | ||
| Like, wow, we vary so much. | ||
| They can take things in differently. | ||
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
| This would be a good time to promote Shroom Fest. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| So tell me about this Shroom Fest thing. | ||
| I'm organizing International Mushroom Festival. | ||
| Oh, what are you going to do? | ||
| June 18th, 19th, and 20th. | ||
| All over the world, Joe. | ||
| Wherever people are. | ||
| So everyone's just going to get on webcams or are you just going to do it? | ||
| No, we're all just doing shrooms together. | ||
| I think Brian's got a good addition. | ||
| Yeah, if people want to tape stuff, take pictures, webcam, absolutely. | ||
| Get involved. | ||
| Be a community. | ||
| Yeah, webcam it up, man. | ||
| Webcam it up. | ||
| Yeah, you definitely want people webcamming. | ||
| Take pictures, take stories. | ||
| Yeah, on Twitter, we're going to have hashtag ShroomFest. | ||
| ShroomFest. | ||
| So anything that goes down with your plans, hashtag that, so we can all look. | ||
| We can all sort of be together with it. | ||
| So how do you avoid getting arrested? | ||
| Well, you know, just like every time we do illegal drugs. | ||
| Yeah, but this one, you make it very vocal. | ||
| Oh, how do I avoid getting arrested? | ||
| June 18th, 19th, and 20th. | ||
| Mr. Shafir, you want to step out of the house, please? | ||
| This is the door. | ||
| It's over here. | ||
| I know it looks like a giant gaping vagina with teeth. | ||
| This is the door. | ||
| I would not be partaking in Shroomfest. | ||
| You want to do it? | ||
| No, I just did it. | ||
| What if when you do shrooms... | ||
| I might do it more than once. | ||
| What if when you do shrooms, you enter into some sort of a zone, or if it wasn't shrooms, maybe some other drug, where there was a zone you could enter where everyone was in the same hallucination? | ||
| A lot of people say that. | ||
| All the people that are high, who are out there shrooming all over the world, you all meet in some giant World of Warcraft. | ||
| That would be cool. | ||
| That would be dope. | ||
| When I'm on Shrooms, I was at a music festival in Ottawa when I was on Shrooms, and as I was leaving, as the whole crowd was leaving, I could tell who else was on some sort of hallucinogen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| In your head. | ||
| Oh, absolutely in my head. | ||
| Everyone's on just antidepressants. | ||
| Obama, he's on it, I can tell. | ||
| No, I can tell. | ||
| You're in the vibe. | ||
| No, it's Levitra. | ||
| He leaves me smiling. | ||
| I smile. | ||
| Levitra. | ||
| Nothing scares me more than those Abilify commercials. | ||
| Nothing scares me more than Ari on Savia. | ||
| Those Abilify commercials are commercials where your regular antidepressants don't work. | ||
| So you take this one. | ||
| What does that one do? | ||
| And this one can make you suicidal. | ||
| It can make you homicidal. | ||
| It can make you a fucking menace. | ||
| But it's for... | ||
| Don't cue that shit up, Brian. | ||
| It's for people who regular shit ain't working for them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's like people barely hanging on. | ||
| A lot of antidepressants make you suicidal. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| They gotta be real careful and start you in slow doses. | ||
| What a crazy catch-22 there. | ||
| So if you feel more than normal, tell me immediately. | ||
| You want to talk about Ari and Salvia? | ||
| Yeah, we can talk about it eventually. | ||
| We're talking about Shroomfest, man. | ||
| So, yeah, I'm trying to get everyone to fucking do it, to join in. | ||
| Tons of people at the Comedy Store are doing it. | ||
| Tons of people. | ||
| I might do it a couple times. | ||
| I might be in Vegas for the 18th. | ||
| Are you just going to sit in your house and do it all? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| So explain to me Shroomfest. | ||
| What is the concept behind it and what are you trying to do? | ||
| Everybody, let's all fucking do it together. | ||
| Let's all do it together. | ||
| Let's all make an excuse just to do some shrooms. | ||
| They're awesome. | ||
| Everyone should experience them. | ||
| Here's the reason. | ||
| Just for the sake of the thing. | ||
| How many freakouts do you think you're going to cause worldwide? | ||
| Plenty. | ||
| When I was planning it, I was deciding, when should we do this? | ||
| And I thought Monday would be the best day, because let's stay away from the squares. | ||
| They'll be at work. | ||
| Let's not get involved in it. | ||
| So many people were asking me, they're like, but I want to do it, but I can't take off a day of work. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| Your problem is you're only going to get the societal outcasts. | ||
| So I added Saturday and Sunday. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-huh. | |
| Oh, nice. | ||
| So Saturday, Sunday, and Monday? | ||
| Saturday, Sunday, Monday. | ||
| I went until high school was over. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So kids didn't have to worry about schools and finals. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So somebody's going to do something bad and they can blame you, though. | ||
| No, you've got to take responsibility for yourself and your own actions. | ||
| It seems like that's not a good idea to promote a day of... | ||
| Well, if I say everybody come out for a July 4th barbecue and somebody dies on the way there, it's the same way. | ||
| It's like, be careful. | ||
| Be careful. | ||
| Yeah, you shouldn't do it in drive. | ||
| Nobody should drive on mushrooms. | ||
| Absolutely not. | ||
| If that's the point you're making, good point. | ||
| Yeah, don't do anything reckless at all. | ||
| But have some fun. | ||
| Organize a party. | ||
| Go to a beach. | ||
| Go to a barbecue. | ||
| Go to a music festival. | ||
| There's worse things that we could do with our time. | ||
| You're talking about portobello mushrooms too. | ||
| No, I'm talking about psychedelic mushrooms. | ||
| Make no bones about it. | ||
| I'm clearly talking about illegal mushrooms. | ||
| But I'm still saying, let's all do it. | ||
| Start looking now. | ||
| Find your shrooms. | ||
| Ask a waiter. | ||
| Ask whoever your stoner friends. | ||
| They'll know how to get it. | ||
| If your waiter has more than one tattoo, Yeah, ask him. | ||
| Ask him. | ||
| That's a good source. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Especially if he's got good tattoos. | ||
| If they don't have it, they'll tell you where to get it. | ||
| You know, if you tip well. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, where would you go? | ||
| Would you go to a bar? | ||
| Ask a waiter at a bar? | ||
| That's the best move, right? | ||
| I would say like a Houston's. | ||
| Houston's? | ||
| A Houston's? | ||
| Just because my roommate used to work there and he was like, yeah, we all had weed. | ||
| I would say Guitar Center. | ||
| That'd be a good idea, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know? | |
| You have to convince him that you're not a cop. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because it's very weird. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, do you want any mushrooms that are illegal for me to purchase from you, sir? | |
| There was another woman who was a cop who coerced some guys into getting her drugs. | ||
| And then they arrested the guys for drugs. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, the guy was saying that he could get... | ||
| It was somewhere near San Diego. | ||
| I forget where it was. | ||
| And I bring this up because yesterday we were talking about that ridiculous case where the woman went to high school. | ||
| Not just one woman, but a bunch of different people went to high school and pretended to be high school students. | ||
| And they were cops. | ||
| Undercover cops. | ||
| They busted all these people for weed. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| You didn't hear about this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Damn, that's fucking rude, man. | ||
| That's when you're just being the man. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| Why are you hurting those people? | ||
| 28 arrests so far, more to come. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| But my point is, when you ask someone, say if you're talking to a child and you're an adult, this woman has got to be at least 19 to be a cop, right? | ||
| And she's talking to some kids. | ||
| How much smarter are you than them? | ||
| When you're 19 and they're 15, you're so much fucking smarter than them, man. | ||
| You could talk them into doing all kinds of shit. | ||
| That's why there's statutory rape laws. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because you can talk them into it. | ||
| Dude, you barely talk normal as it is. | ||
| You got a mouthful of fucking food. | ||
| That's why there's statutory rape laws. | ||
| It's so crummy, too. | ||
| What are you eating? | ||
| A cookie. | ||
| I have a basketball game tonight. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| I played with a cookie on the other day. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| Oh, a pot cookie. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| It just says it like we're just supposed to know. | ||
| But I played basketball at the park with all my comic friends. | ||
| I shot lights out. | ||
| I took a Jolly Rancher two hours before. | ||
| And I was on fire. | ||
| I've never played that good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ever. | |
| Not in high school. | ||
| Never been that good. | ||
| It gives you a certain sensitivity. | ||
| Everything slowed down. | ||
| The ball came at you. | ||
| You're like, okay, I can catch that. | ||
| Should I pass it on? | ||
| Should I work for a shot? | ||
| Well, here it comes. | ||
| I should grab it now. | ||
| You should try a pool on it. | ||
| You tried pool on it? | ||
| No, I just did my first poker tournament. | ||
| Dude, you can play the fuck out of some pool when you're high. | ||
| You feel where the ball's going. | ||
| I've done that. | ||
| I play pool high. | ||
| I'm just never on an edible, I don't think. | ||
| Yeah, the edible's the way to go. | ||
| Regular high is good, but there's something... | ||
| What the edible does to me is it tunes the whole body in. | ||
| Whereas pot, when you smoke it, it goes blast right to your head, and you're high as fuck, but your body's not as in tune the way it is with an edible. | ||
| Edible does something where the whole thing hits the same frequency. | ||
| You get a control over your body, a feeling over your body. | ||
| That's why sex is so good. | ||
| Right, Brian? | ||
| Edibles. | ||
| When you're high. | ||
| It's like hot squared. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's crazy shit. | ||
| I think in these Jolly Ranchers lately, it's like doing Vicodin immediately. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Wait, what does that mean? | ||
| Just like super body numbness. | ||
| So you just don't lie there? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Or do you just not feel anything? | ||
| Everything feels numb. | ||
| But Vicodins just make me stupid as fuck. | ||
| I can't take those things. | ||
| Yeah, that part of the Vicodin, it doesn't do that. | ||
| It doesn't do that? | ||
| No, it's just more of like a body... | ||
| Man, that's all I associate with Vicodins. | ||
| I got Vicodins after my first ACL operation. | ||
| The first one I did, they did what's called a patella tendon graft. | ||
| And what that is, is the patella tendon is a really big, fat, thick tendon. | ||
| And what they do is they drill a hole... | ||
| And they cut the bone out. | ||
| They cut a section of the bone out and slice the tendon and then cut a section of the bone out where it connects in your shin. | ||
| And then they open you up like a fish and they screw it into the bottom with a screw and they screw it into the top of the screw and it sets and eventually becomes like really strong like it is now. | ||
| But the fucking pain of these screws that they put in the bone of your shin It's hard to describe, man. | ||
| It's Frankenstein. | ||
| It's fucking hard to describe. | ||
| And I was lying on the couch. | ||
| I had my second one done with a cadaver, and it was way easier. | ||
| It was nowhere near the pain. | ||
| But I would get off the couch, and it would be like lava. | ||
| Like someone took a pitchfork and just dipped it in hot lava. | ||
| Just burning? | ||
| And just shoving it into your asshole. | ||
| That's how bad it hurt. | ||
| It was fucking intense. | ||
| And so they gave me some Vicodins. | ||
| Every time I'd get up off the couch, it was really temporary. | ||
| It would only last like maybe 30 seconds or a minute. | ||
| But the fucking pain was... | ||
| I never felt anything like that. | ||
| I'd had broken bones. | ||
| I'd been sick. | ||
| I've had a lot of real bad moments. | ||
| Don't tell me you refused the Vicodin. | ||
| I fucking got rid of them. | ||
| Got rid of them after one day. | ||
| Because I took it and I was sitting on the couch and I was so fucked up. | ||
| I was so dumb. | ||
| I was so dull. | ||
| My mouth was open. | ||
| And I was watching MTV. And I remember thinking, I will never do these again. | ||
| I don't give a fuck about the pain. | ||
| I don't ever want to feel like this. | ||
| I just felt stupid as fuck. | ||
| And I don't know, man. | ||
| Maybe it's just me. | ||
| Because the dudes at the pool hall loved them. | ||
| They bought those shits off me with the quickness. | ||
| Can I have those? | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| Before I even fucking offered, my friend Jeff was like, Hey, bud. | ||
| Hey, you got some vikonins? | ||
| You trying to get rid of those things, bud? | ||
| Like, how'd you even fucking hear? | ||
| You vultures. | ||
| They knew. | ||
| Like, yeah, this stuff sucks. | ||
| I just didn't like how they constipated me. | ||
| They give you constipation, too? | ||
| Really? | ||
| How many times have you guys done these things? | ||
| No, I took them for my knee surgery. | ||
| I had to take them for like a week or two. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| And I didn't get the crazy stupid stuff, but I did get a... | ||
| You had a meniscus. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-huh. | |
| Meniscus. | ||
| Meniscus. | ||
| I was getting a bone crack. | ||
| Not the... | ||
| Oh, you had a bone crack. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Ooh, had the bone crack. | ||
| It's all... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Did you get like heel hooked or something? | ||
| Did someone catch you in something? | ||
| I honestly think it was kettlebells. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Kettlebells. | |
| Just because the next time I did kettlebells, after I came back from PT, from physical therapy, I could feel a tweak. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I was like, this is what it was. | ||
| I thought it might have been before, because it was around the same time as I did some of those. | ||
| They really add to your power. | ||
| Your problem was you went for this long period of time where you weren't in shape, and then all of a sudden you threw yourself into jiu-jitsu class. | ||
| It was after a year, though. | ||
| It wasn't right away. | ||
| You were getting some breakdowns. | ||
| It's hard, and you don't eat that good. | ||
| No, not good. | ||
| No, not any good at all. | ||
| We talked about that. | ||
| I'm like, if you really want to do this, you have to take vitamins and you have to eat well. | ||
| I'm really trying to get my candy intake to where I want it. | ||
| Well, I'm suffering greatly in the Jujifruit category. | ||
| Jujifruit? | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| All the sort of Jujis? | ||
| Never was a fan of anything other than chocolate. | ||
| What? | ||
| I would try other things. | ||
| Oh, live your life, man. | ||
| Get out there. | ||
| I'd try them. | ||
| You know, I'd try, like, go crazy, get a little Sour Patch Kids. | ||
| Melon rings. | ||
| I'd have some chocolate. | ||
| Melon rings are good, too. | ||
| Melon rings. | ||
| Melon rings? | ||
| Gummy melon rings. | ||
| Not really a Melon Rings fan. | ||
| Squirty Gummy Bears, Peanut... | ||
| Brian's trying to have the same voice in the same conversation when he's 80. Oh, Squirty Gummy Bears. | ||
| Yeah, melon slices. | ||
| They're all going to think he's a pedophile. | ||
| He's like, listen, I just never grew up. | ||
| I'm the same guy. | ||
| Tell us about 9-11. | ||
| Well, these terrorist abinos... | ||
| That was back when you can get Twizzlers at the corner store. | ||
| Go to the gas station and get Twizzlers before they made them illegal. | ||
| One day, Twizzlers will stop paying. | ||
| The government will be like, why would you think you should be able to eat those? | ||
| They do nothing but bad for you. | ||
| The government will come in, bitches, you know your shit's poisonous. | ||
| Shut everything down. | ||
| Someone has to come to the absolute conclusion that that's what's happening with cigarettes. | ||
| There's no other fucking way cigarettes would still be legal. | ||
| They're paying the government to keep cigarettes legal. | ||
| There's just no way around it. | ||
| If there's one thing that's killing 350 to 400,000 people every year... | ||
| Americans? | ||
| Worldwide? | ||
| Americans. | ||
| Wrap your head around that. | ||
| 300,000 Americans every year? | ||
| 300,000 Americans plus every year. | ||
| So that's like... | ||
| Dead from cigarettes. | ||
| A tenth of one percent of the country. | ||
| Well, look, they were going to die eventually. | ||
| One out of every thousand people dies? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Every year? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's a lot. | ||
| Yeah, that should totally be legal. | ||
| That should give you like a year. | ||
| Every six and a half minutes. | ||
| I'm pulling this out of my ass, so we'll just Google it. | ||
| It's every six and a half minutes somebody dies. | ||
| Really? | ||
| In America or the world? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You don't know. | ||
| I'd say in the world. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| We're just guessing. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Why even say? | ||
| Because I can't imagine the commercial going 6-9 minutes. | ||
| It's even crazier. | ||
| It's even crazier. | ||
| Worldwide, tobacco deaths are more than 5 million per year. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Now how many of those are counting somebody? | ||
| Here we go, the most recent statistics. | ||
| America, 2011. 443,000 U.S. deaths attributed. | ||
| It's only been five months? | ||
| No, each year. | ||
| They're saying each year. | ||
| Sorry, I didn't read the full sentence to you. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Each year, an estimated 443,000 people die prematurely from smoking or exposure to secondhand smoke And another 8.6 million live with a serious illness caused by smoking. | ||
| Oh yeah, they have people like that. | ||
| They don't die, but they have a tracheotomy. | ||
| Dude, that is not just tracheotomy. | ||
| How about people who have iron lungs? | ||
| How about people that are slowly dying? | ||
| Iron lungs? | ||
| Is that still around? | ||
| Fuck yeah, it is. | ||
| People still have iron lungs? | ||
| You see them at the airport, man. | ||
| They're carrying around. | ||
| There's some people that have iron lungs. | ||
| The thing where it forces you to breathe in and out. | ||
| I'm sure that exists. | ||
| But how about the people that are connected to those tanks? | ||
| They bring them everywhere. | ||
| The things that are in their nostrils. | ||
| You know what it is, man. | ||
| I saw a guy like that at the gun range. | ||
| He had that thing in his scooter. | ||
| In the back, next to his rifle, who was also in the back. | ||
| Well, for some people, I shouldn't say you know who it is, because for some people, I'm sure they have to use that because of an actual disease they didn't get from smoking. | ||
| But it's amazing, man. | ||
| Those numbers are really scary. | ||
| The numbers are... | ||
| The trippy thing about them is that it's never discussed. | ||
| You know, they'll talk about 3,000 people that died during 9-11, and... | ||
| No one's saying that that's not a big deal. | ||
| It is a big deal and it's a horrible thing. | ||
| But 443,000 people are rotting to death, choking on their own fluid that's building up in their rotten lungs. | ||
| They drown. | ||
| They drown in their own fluid. | ||
| They literally can't get oxygen into their lungs anymore. | ||
| They fill up with fluid and they die a horrible death. | ||
| They have to strap them down. | ||
| That's a thousand people a day. | ||
| That's more than a thousand people a day. | ||
| Criminy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a lot. | ||
| Yeah, that should totally be illegal. | ||
| They should give you some time. | ||
| That's so scary. | ||
| Six months. | ||
| Six months to a year. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We're like, it's going to happen here. | ||
| No, six months. | ||
| I don't think it should be illegal. | ||
| I think you should be able to do whatever the fuck you want, man. | ||
| Well, the secondhand smoke makes me think that they should do what they're doing in terms of not in public. | ||
| That's scary when you have a spouse or children and you're smoking in your apartment. | ||
| That's a lot of people are doing that and those kids are getting sick. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a scary thing. | ||
| Do you know it's against the law now in California to drive in a car with anyone under the age of 18? | ||
| Even if it's your own kids. | ||
| And smoke. | ||
| Cigarettes. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Oh, and smoke. | ||
| Yeah, and smoke. | ||
| Yeah, I was like, what are you talking about? | ||
| What the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| Why are you taking your kids to school? | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| You're like, really? | ||
| There's only one way to keep kids from fucking. | ||
| We have to keep them at home. | ||
| Don't drive them around. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They just fuck. | |
| But that's one thing I do remember as a kid. | ||
| My friend's mom always driving us to the bowling alley every weekend because we were in bowling leagues and smoking the whole way there with the windows open. | ||
| And as a kid, I remember going, this is disgusting. | ||
| And I told my mom the other day about it. | ||
| Well, here you are smoking. | ||
| Yeah, that's exactly probably one of the reasons why that or my grandfather always smoking. | ||
| You know, everyone smoked around me as a kid. | ||
| That's definitely not why. | ||
| The reason why is because you put a cigarette in your mouth, and you light it, and you smoke it. | ||
| That's why you're smoking cigarettes. | ||
| But the reason I ever got to the point where I would do that is because I grew up with everyone around me smoking. | ||
| That's possible, but I grew up around people smoking. | ||
| My mom smoked when I was a little kid. | ||
| She quit. | ||
| I think she quit when I was like 10, something like that. | ||
| I would have tried a cigarette eventually if they were completely illegal. | ||
| Really? | ||
| When I was born, if they were illegal, I would have eventually found one and tried it. | ||
| We all tried them together when I was like 15. My sister stuck with it for a long time, man. | ||
| She kept smoking for years. | ||
| She quit now, but it's not easy, man. | ||
| Brian will tell you. | ||
| Joey will tell you. | ||
| You can tell everybody. | ||
| You guys are currently addicted. | ||
| So the debate whether she was six months or a year is still open. | ||
| It's just amazing. | ||
| It's amazing that the government can somehow or another allow this. | ||
| That they can pretend they're looking out for our interests. | ||
| Stop fucking high school kids from selling weed. | ||
| Get some people. | ||
| Pay our own tax dollars or have some chick play 21 Jump Street. | ||
| Go in and get some weed off some kids. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They didn't even uncover anything other than weed. | |
| You know what that makes me? | ||
| That makes me happy about our new generation. | ||
| The kids coming up. | ||
| Yeah, they got arrested for weed, but look, what are they doing? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're just smoking some weed and trying to bang some cop. | ||
| That's right, exactly. | ||
| I'm trying to get laid. | ||
| I had these people in Central Washington in my show that they had no teeth in their smile. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| So I was like, is that a meth situation? | ||
| And he goes, he holds up his drink. | ||
| He goes, seven years sober, man. | ||
| And I was like, fuck yeah. | ||
| I was like, wait, you're holding up a beer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But you know what he said to me? | ||
| He goes, you don't think there's a difference between a fucking drink at a comedy club and meth? | ||
| And I was like, you're absolutely right, and I apologize. | ||
| There's a complete difference. | ||
| How funny is that, man? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How funny is that? | ||
| Yeah, and I was like, you're not even sober. | ||
| I'm like, of course you are. | ||
| Hey, you need to take her advice from that little Esther chick. | ||
| She says a lot of cool shit on Twitter. | ||
| Revice? | ||
| Advice. | ||
| Here's what little Esther just said on Twitter. | ||
| Everyone that's in a relationship is delusional. | ||
| Little Lester, stop. | ||
| Move away from the fucking keyboard. | ||
| This is getting too transparent. | ||
| I'm starting to feel ill. | ||
| There's a new breed of people who love taking shit public. | ||
| They love throwing shit out there. | ||
| That's just silliness. | ||
| Just so the person who has offended them will know they're talking about them. | ||
| There's a little of that. | ||
| That's a little bit, I'm sure, in that statement. | ||
| That's the kind of thing you say when you're 21 and you think you really have an answer. | ||
| That's the saddest thing about life. | ||
| You get older, you get more questions. | ||
| Yeah, you realize, but you accept that there are no answers to a lot of things. | ||
| You're just able to accept that. | ||
| That's a tough fucking sell, man. | ||
| That one moment where you have to give in and accept that there are no fucking answers. | ||
| We all know that that's what turns people to religion. | ||
| You were much more religious than I was when I was a kid, but I was very religious for a little while. | ||
| When my parents were breaking up when I was five, before I went to Catholic school and they cured me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They cured me in Catholic school. | ||
| Cured your religion? | ||
| Fucking cunt nun. | ||
| This evil woman. | ||
| This woman was, she was just rot. | ||
| Rot? | ||
| That's what she was. | ||
| She was just a bad person. | ||
| Sister Mary Josephine. | ||
| She was just rot. | ||
| She was a rotten person. | ||
| Like, everything was bad about her. | ||
| She started yelling at me the first day of fucking school. | ||
| God, why? | ||
| She was just evil, man. | ||
| She was just an evil bitch. | ||
| She's dead now, you think? | ||
| How old was she then? | ||
| Yeah, she was old as fuck. | ||
| She was old as fuck when I was like six. | ||
| But I remember thinking, while I was getting through school, every day I lived in terror. | ||
| It was just fucking so mean. | ||
| But while I was getting through school, I remember thinking, well, now I have to figure out what the fuck is going on. | ||
| Because clearly it's not religion. | ||
| Because I thought when I went to church when I was a little kid, when I was like three and four and five, you know, church to me was like my whole life was falling apart. | ||
| My parents were getting divorced. | ||
| I didn't know what was going on. | ||
| My dad was super violent. | ||
| And I was just starting to realize that he beat my mom up for no reason. | ||
| So to me, there has to be God. | ||
| There has to be something. | ||
| When I would go to church with my grandparents or whoever took me, I would say, well, this is beautiful. | ||
| Everybody here is being nice and God be with you. | ||
| And they're all saying nice things. | ||
| And they're telling you if you do the right thing, you go to heaven and all the sins on earth disappear and dissolve. | ||
| But this cunt was so evil. | ||
| And she was connected to this. | ||
| I was like, wow. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| She was like the shittiest salesperson for a religion of all time. | ||
| Yeah, they don't get the right spokesman. | ||
| But that's like one of the cool things about being Catholic. | ||
| The religion is so ridiculous. | ||
| Very few people completely agree with it. | ||
| It's so over-the-top stupid and ridiculous. | ||
| I mean, there was a story last week about one of the head guys in the Pope's whole thing about pedophilia. | ||
| He got arrested for pedophilia. | ||
| This motherfucker got arrested for... | ||
| He was trying to get Moroccans to deliver him young boys. | ||
| And he was telling them to get them from kids who had troubled childhoods. | ||
| And what was his position? | ||
| He was in charge of the pedophilia to make sure that the priest didn't do it. | ||
| He was the guy that the Pope put in charge of making sure that doesn't happen. | ||
| He was their... | ||
| What's the branch of the cops that investigates their own? | ||
| The... | ||
| I've watched enough TV shows. | ||
| Peter Protectors? | ||
| No. | ||
| But yeah, so those people... | ||
| Here is a story. | ||
| A priest in the archdiocese of a top advisor to Pope Benedict XVI was arrested Friday on pedophilia and drug charges. | ||
| And they have all the papers of this dude asking... | ||
| They have emails and shit of him asking for boys and wanting them from backgrounds where they didn't have a family and they're all fucked up. | ||
| How ridiculous is the guy that was in charge to make sure that didn't happen? | ||
| This is one of the things he wrote. | ||
| I do not want 16-year-old boys but younger. | ||
| 14-year-olds are okay. | ||
| Look for needy boys who have family issues. | ||
| He was trading cocaine for boys, and that the Vatican knew about the problem for decades. | ||
| Listen, man, they're all creepy. | ||
| That's the worst part. | ||
| I understand. | ||
| If a priest does something, that's not the whole organization's fault. | ||
| Dude, they've been doing this shit forever, man. | ||
| They've been doing this shit forever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, they back it up. | |
| Make it disappear. | ||
| If you don't arrest them, you're backing it up. | ||
| This pope, when he was a bishop, this one that's currently in now, they have all sorts of paperwork showing that he was shielding child molesters. | ||
| He was moving them. | ||
| He was moving them from one place to another and trying to get them to avoid prosecution. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| It's amazing that anybody would take any of this shit seriously. | ||
| They can still do this and they can still have meetings with Obama. | ||
| Everyone can still pretend this is some insane... | ||
| The representatives of evil? | ||
| And you're going to tell me... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's a fucking cult of kid fuckers. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| Why is this not, like, on the front page of CNN? Why is that the only article about this was from some, you know, translated from some Italian newspaper? | ||
|
unidentified
|
People don't want to hear about it, man. | |
| You know, like, why aren't they collecting all these facts and, like, really talking about this on mainstream news? | ||
| It's in the New York Times, bro. | ||
| I think some of it might be also people are just tired. | ||
| It's the same story for the last 15, 20 years. | ||
| It was in the New York Times. | ||
| It's pretty mainstream. | ||
| Did they just translate the articles, what I was saying? | ||
| Is there actually anybody really talking about this other than translations from Italian newspapers? | ||
| I don't know, but there's been other stories about these in the New York Times as well. | ||
| It's not like people are avoiding all these pedophile issues. | ||
| And there was also like in every mainstream story or every mainstream news source, there was some big meeting that they had recently to deal with priests and sexual charges. | ||
| And that was all public, too. | ||
| A certain amount of it has to be public because it's such a known issue. | ||
| If you're out there, go to Catholic churches, you're going to an organization that condones this behavior. | ||
| So just know that when you show up for church tomorrow or Sunday. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| You're joining an organization that condones that behavior. | ||
| Yeah, what the fuck? | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| It's amazing, but you really are. | ||
| Yeah, they're like, oh, I'm associated now with child molesters in my organization that are making the rules for me, but I'm not leaving this organization. | ||
| Based on fairy tales. | ||
| Yeah, well, based on who the fuck knows what the original thing was. | ||
| Even if you believe in Jesus, you clearly know these people are... | ||
| Yeah, just go to a non-animational church or something. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, they're not acting in Jesus' name when they're fucking your kid's mouth. | ||
| It's that simple. | ||
| No, clearly not. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| It's amazing how many people can get away with it. | ||
| Bill Maher had a clip that somebody put up online from his show that made a really good point. | ||
| And he was talking about how many people call themselves Christians, but don't follow any of the rules of Christianity. | ||
| I just want to say it. | ||
| He was talking about the Osama Bin Laden thing. | ||
| Jesus was the most non-violent guy ever. | ||
| And he was the guy who said, turn your other cheek, do not be evil to your enemies, but treat them with love. | ||
| And meanwhile, the Christians... | ||
| Going to kill Muslims with guns and horses on a... | ||
| Yeah, and it was really funny because Obama, they asked Obama about people that would, you know, what's the controversy about the death of Osama Bin Laden? | ||
| And he was like, anybody to think there's anything wrong with getting rid of that guy needs to have their brain checked. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Needs to have their head checked. | ||
| Like, this is a guy who pretends to be a Christian. | ||
| This was like Bill Maher's point. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And that's such a good point, you know, because it's like the most neglected aspect of Christianity. | ||
| Is what? | ||
| It's like, you're not supposed to hate. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're not supposed to be angry at people. | ||
| And you're supposed to be all turning your other cheek. | ||
| But not just love your enemy. | ||
| Yeah, love your enemy. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Man. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Take your enemy, the guy you hate, and not just forgive him, but love him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, really, it's awesome advice. | ||
| Why didn't they capture that guy? | ||
| Jesus? | ||
| No. | ||
| Osama Bin Laden? | ||
| He's definitely trying to capture Jesus. | ||
| I don't think it's real. | ||
| I mean, I don't know if it's real. | ||
| It might be real. | ||
| They might have done exactly what they said, and they might have killed Osama Bin Laden at that moment. | ||
| But, you know, there was a lot of reports, like, way back to 2002, that that guy was dead. | ||
| And they were always saying that he was very sick. | ||
| You know, they were always saying that that guy had, you know, bad kidneys, and he needed dialysis on a regular basis. | ||
| I don't think they take the chance of him possibly being out there to say... | ||
| Unless they know they've seen his body, there's no way they'll let the president go on and say, I assure you he's dead. | ||
| It might come up that he's not. | ||
| Yeah, but he was already dead a long time ago. | ||
| That's what they believe. | ||
| What people believe is that this is some sort of a publicity ploy to keep Obama in office. | ||
| Look, Obama is like this ingenious device that the Republicans have created. | ||
| Get a guy, run for the Democratic Party, make him black, and make him do everything a Republican would do. | ||
| Yay! | ||
| And everybody loves him. | ||
| And he's fucking you and you're clapping. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yay! | |
| He's the black president! | ||
| Meanwhile, he's fucking Bush plus. | ||
| He's doing everything that Bush did plus. | ||
| He's doing exactly the same shit. | ||
| My problem with the theory that he just did this to win an election that's coming up is like, well, if they're going to do that, the timing is not right. | ||
| Wait six to eight months. | ||
| Well, maybe it is, though. | ||
| Maybe it is. | ||
| Because maybe this is what sets the ball in motion. | ||
| Maybe they have political experts that have actually studied tides of the cult of personality and how many months does it take... | ||
| Maybe, like, all this shit with Kim Kardashian and all this. | ||
| This is just all the government has done is create these famous people for no reason, just so we can see, like, chart the tides of how much time does it take for people to get pissed off at you? | ||
| And how much time does it take for you to recover from that? | ||
| You know, when everybody was pissed off at Obama, how much time does it take for him to recover and be a bad motherfucker again? | ||
| Well, he's got to kill Bin Laden now, and then it needs, like, nine months for it to fester in the American psyche. | ||
| And this is, like, step one of a bunch of other things that will set in place. | ||
| So this is the perfect time to do it? | ||
| Yeah, they're wagging the dog. | ||
| Step one, they kill Osama bin Laden. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Now step two, they're going to thwart some nuclear attack. | ||
| They'll stop that, look like badasses. | ||
| Step three, yeah, and then they move into step three and then they announce all these new jobs because the government will hire like two million census workers. | ||
| The government created two million new jobs. | ||
| Meanwhile, there's just a bunch of people knocking on your door, annoying you, asking you what peanut butter you use. | ||
| You know, so you put it on the fucking census. | ||
| That's why the only thing that could have beat Obama would be something like a lesbian, armless lesbian. | ||
| Nobody wants an armless woman. | ||
| I think a lot of Republicans are like, I don't want to run against Obama. | ||
| I'm not doing it. | ||
| I'll do it in four years. | ||
| I'm not running against Obama. | ||
| I think a lot of people would be good to run against Obama if they, like Ron Paul did, You know, Ron Paul and that other guy from New Mexico, the former Gary Johnson. | ||
| Yeah, in what way? | ||
| Well, first of all, both of those guys are, you know, they're Republicans. | ||
| I'm pretty sure Gary Johnson is, but I know that... | ||
| But what do you mean, Ron Paul? | ||
| Like, what do you mean? | ||
| What does that verb mean? | ||
| Ron Pauling it. | ||
| Well, Ron Paul is all about smaller government and is all about getting us out of these wars and is all about being honest about what's happening with the American people and upholding the Constitution and freedom of personal use of drugs and doing whatever the fuck you need to do. | ||
| I think we need a new constitution made by people that we can relate to. | ||
| That would help. | ||
| But then it would be a question of who would be the ones... | ||
| That would draft this fucking thing. | ||
| And how much would the government have a say in it? | ||
| Because when they come up with things like the Patriot Act, you can't think that they're looking out for your best interests. | ||
| So we can't let them come up with a new constitution. | ||
| The system right now is so corrupt. | ||
| You can't say, hey, you guys are all corrupt and fucked up. | ||
| Will you please fix this? | ||
| Write out some new shit. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| The people in charge would have to be... | ||
| So who would it have to be? | ||
| It would have to be scholars. | ||
| It would have to be the people. | ||
| Well, they've shown time and time again that a lot of these guys, especially when it comes to economics, that are professors at universities, not only do they not know shit, they're whores. | ||
| All these guys, especially the professors in economics that are detailed in that movie, The Inside Job... | ||
| They'll just take whatever money they can to say whatever. | ||
| Oh my god, these guys are getting paid left and right by all these different... | ||
| These professors in economics get paid to sign off on these different trusts and different funds and sign off on these different ideas and work for major corporations in the future. | ||
| And they get these huge, cushy fucking jobs and millions and millions of dollars. | ||
| So they say all these things that are complementary towards certain styles of the market. | ||
| And they teach certain things that would encourage the same sort of system that they have set up or had set up for a long time until this recent economic collapse. | ||
| And they endorse it. | ||
| And they say, oh, this is rock solid. | ||
| And this is everything's fine. | ||
| And it turns out, if you follow the paper trail, these motherfuckers are, all of them eventually wind up getting cushy jobs. | ||
| It's all, it's a real sneaky, snaky situation. | ||
| My friend says, anytime you see an economist on Good Morning America or anything or whatever, talking about Meet the Press, talking about whatever it goes, they're selling a book. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're selling some book. | ||
| They're selling something. | ||
| So they need to say something that's incendiary enough that they can get on those shows to sell more books. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, go get Ann Coulter. | ||
| She's a fucking professional troll. | ||
| She's professional at it. | ||
| She goes on, she says... | ||
| I don't know which one she is. | ||
| She's the, like, vulture-ish looking... | ||
| She's pretty if you're drunk. | ||
| Oh, she's the thinner one with the straight hair? | ||
| Yeah, like, you might hate fuck her. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| If you were in San Diego and you were drunk and she was at a bar... | ||
| Absolutely, I would do that. | ||
| I think you're funny and you're a dirty Jew and I'll suck your dirty Jew cock. | ||
| If she touched my dick on the way by to the bathroom... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Like, gently by it, I'd be like, oh, it's on. | ||
| That's what she would do? | ||
| No, if she did, then I would definitely... | ||
| You would hit it? | ||
| Let's get out of here. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Would you call her again afterwards or would you feel gross? | ||
| If it was actually Ann Coulter, would you start banging her? | ||
| Not just someone who looked like that. | ||
| Would you start bringing her around the store? | ||
| Dude, no. | ||
| She's really cool, man. | ||
| A lot of that shit is just her public image. | ||
| She's playing a character. | ||
| She's playing a character. | ||
| She is, though. | ||
| She is. | ||
| I mean, she's very smart at it. | ||
| She says a lot of incendiary shit, and it's funny. | ||
| You know, and she called Bob Edwards a faggot. | ||
| Whoa, no way! | ||
| Is it Bob Edwards? | ||
| She called somebody a faggot? | ||
| Yeah, she called John Edwards a faggot. | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And she's still got a job? | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| She's white. | ||
| She's a Republican. | ||
| It's all good. | ||
| She's set on air? | ||
| It was really funny. | ||
| Jimmy Norton had a good joke. | ||
| I wonder why she thought that. | ||
| Maybe she saw him more than twice. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| He looks like a faggot. | ||
| I wonder what made her say that. | ||
| I guess she saw him more than twice. | ||
| I don't know what that guy looks like. | ||
| I love the phrasing of that. | ||
| That's enough. | ||
| You start assessing him. | ||
| What the fuck's going on with this guy? | ||
| Oh, he's good. | ||
| He's the guy that his wife was dying of fucking cancer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah, yeah. | |
| I remember that guy. | ||
| Having a baby with some other chick. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I wonder, man, back before, we're just getting sort of to see now how many dudes were rocking it like that. | ||
| All of them. | ||
| Why wouldn't they? | ||
| I think that was just a part of the way it was done. | ||
| I mean, when you go back to the Kennedys, it's sort of like everyone knew. | ||
| You remember when we were kids, we were growing up, we kind of all knew that Kennedy fucked Marilyn Monroe, right? | ||
| Sort of knew, but didn't say anything. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, it was sort of like one of those things. | ||
| It was just like, we would just say, oh, this is a different time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think back when they had no accountability, they could just get away with shit like that. | ||
| A lot of politicians are in the position to get laid. | ||
| They do it. | ||
| Remember how you've seen a movie, you see some cop fucking a hooker? | ||
| You're like, oh, yeah, that's normal. | ||
| But then you actually see a police officer, you're like, no way. | ||
| But why not? | ||
| That's who's doing it. | ||
| Regular people are doing these corrupt things that you would think, no, not them. | ||
| Sluts, too. | ||
| You come across a slut in a nice long dress or something. | ||
| You're like, no, she wouldn't be like that. | ||
| Yeah, the slacks get regular jobs. | ||
| Yeah, they're all around us. | ||
| That's why women are terrified when their husbands go to the office. | ||
| There's always that one crazy bitch that'll suck your dick in a stock room. | ||
| And who's gonna resist that? | ||
| Yeah, I mean, you might live your whole life and never meet one, or you might work for the right office, and this girl's crazy, and she shows you a picture of her pussy on her cell phone, and you're like, what the fuck are you doing? | ||
| What are you showing me that for? | ||
| And the next thing you know it... | ||
| You sure seem flirty. | ||
| You know who's the best at picking those girls? | ||
| Joe Diaz. | ||
| He can spot them a mile away. | ||
| There she is right there, that dirty freak. | ||
| I can see it. | ||
| I can see it in her eyes, Joe Rogan. | ||
| Hey, Jack, I caught my dick. | ||
| He had the crazy stories yesterday, man, about trying to pass drug tests by putting various substances over his dick and then covering it with his foreskin. | ||
| And tying it into a knot. | ||
| Dropped into... | ||
| That was just a joke. | ||
| So then it would all drop into the piss cup while he was pissing and it would taint the result. | ||
| So he has two weeks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He would, like, you know, add, like, chlorine. | ||
| He added chlorine. | ||
| He added Drano. | ||
| Oh, that stuff you put in there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh my god. | ||
| He said he was putting Drano under his horse skin. | ||
| And just pinch it, like put a rubber band around it and burn some extra pee holes. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Yeah, like the whole thing, I was trying to picture it in my head and it made no sense. | ||
| It was like, does he put it in there and then tie it in a knot at the end with his skin? | ||
| He really did that. | ||
| He was just joking. | ||
| Yeah, but how else does he attach it to his... | ||
| Apparently, he said he has a big foreskin. | ||
| His foreskin's very long, so he just stuffs it up there and let it sit there. | ||
| And then he peels it back. | ||
| That makes no sense. | ||
| I don't have a dick like his. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can't explain. | |
| I feel like you have to tie a rubber band around it to cinch that area. | ||
| Well, I think normally when it's soft, It's covered over like an anteater. | ||
| So when it gets hard, then yeah, like some stuff, whatever you got in there. | ||
| Like first the chlorine was like crumples. | ||
| It was like chlorine crumples from one of those things that you drop into a pool to chlorinate the pool. | ||
| Something like that, like a disc or something. | ||
| He shaved it and then he put that stuff under his dick. | ||
| My one-year-old nephew just had to go under the knife for a second time to do a circumcision. | ||
| And we had talked about this before. | ||
| And what happened is the first time they did the circumcision, it didn't take. | ||
| It started to grow back together or do something. | ||
| I don't understand what they were talking about. | ||
| So they had to put my nephew under and do plastic surgery, cut off more, and blah, blah, blah. | ||
| And my biggest thing, I was just like, wait a second. | ||
| This is a high-tech hospital. | ||
| Why is this happening? | ||
| How is this happening? | ||
| I told my mom to get the oldest Jew and give him $100, and that would probably be better than a high-tech hospital. | ||
| Give your kid herpes, and they'll suck your kid's dick. | ||
| Do you know that that's how they do it? | ||
| They cut it off and then they suck on it. | ||
| Who sucks on it? | ||
| The moil. | ||
| Sucks on the dick? | ||
| Yes! | ||
| You don't know that? | ||
| That the ancient Hasidic practice of... | ||
| I believe it's Hasidic. | ||
| What's the guy's name that cuts your dick? | ||
| Moil. | ||
| The moil. | ||
| It's supposed to suck it. | ||
| That's how they're supposed to stop the blood. | ||
| Oh, the ones I've seen just use towels. | ||
| Yeah, they suck it, too, though, dude. | ||
| The traditional way is to suck it. | ||
| There was a whole story because a baby died of herpes because a guy had herpes on his mouth. | ||
| He had a cold sore on his mouth. | ||
| He does the traditional way and he sucks the little kid's dick. | ||
| It sounds like I'm talking crazy. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| But it's the real thing. | ||
| I've seen a lot of traditional. | ||
| Spell moil. | ||
| M-O-Y-L-E. M-O-Y-E-L. M-O-Y-E-L. It's a Hebrew word, so it's M-O-Y-E-L. It's M-O-Y-E-L. I've seen a lot of traditional grises. | ||
| I've never seen that before. | ||
| I guess there's this new practice now, this new way to do circumcisions that the hospitals have been doing, and the fail rate is so much higher. | ||
| But I guess it's more sensitivity for the kid and all that. | ||
| It's super safer. | ||
| But the crazy thing is, the doctors say to each other's doctors, it's an art. | ||
| Like, it's a guessing game. | ||
| You have to be so good at it and just experience. | ||
| All they do is just that. | ||
| There's a video of a guy explaining why the mohel has to suck a boy's penis after circumcision. | ||
| So if you go to, look up online, on YouTube, go to YouTube, and write in, Rabbi explains the importance of sucking. | ||
| I'd love to hear this. | ||
| Explains. | ||
| Explains. | ||
| The importance of sucking a boy's penis. | ||
| See, I didn't make this shit up, man. | ||
| I would love to hear this. | ||
| This is some ridiculous nonsense. | ||
| How do you find this? | ||
| Me? | ||
| Start with shark attack videos. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It all starts with shark attacks. | |
| Get in an argument with the wife, hide in the office. | ||
| Shit gets dark. | ||
| Shark bites boy's dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A little loud, it's a little loud. | |
| Four sections of halacha called the Shulchan Aruch, the set table. | ||
| In chapter 266, halacha 3, 4, 5, and 6, he describes how the circumcision is to be done. | ||
| This is after the coming. | ||
| The mohel does what is called mitzitzah. | ||
| Mitzitzah means to suck, and it means doing so with his mouth. | ||
| And one could say, well, why can't you use a tube? | ||
| Well, you could. | ||
| Technically, but it's not the custom as to how it was done. | ||
| Now, why is it that way? | ||
| Well, I could say that in the olden days you didn't have tubes. | ||
| Now you can have tubes, so why not? | ||
| The answer, as I thought about it, is that it's not as effective because the tube does not seal as well, it's not as pliable, and furthermore, it's not as quick and it's not as close. | ||
| You have to have a quick suction action, you have to have more pliability, and also there's a theory, some people feel that it is, some people feel that it's not, that the saliva of a human being has some antiseptic I've never heard of antiseptic qualities. | ||
| That guy's making up reasons why he thinks it should be still the sucking. | ||
| He's not saying that's the law. | ||
| He's saying that's what he would... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay, kill him. | |
| That sick fuck sucking little baby's dicks. | ||
| Yeah, that's not right. | ||
| But this is the tradition, correct? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, I've never heard of this either. | ||
| That's just that guy interpreting that. | ||
| That might have been what they did. | ||
| But what he said was that he was reading out of a passage of a book that said that that was what you're supposed to do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're supposed to suck it. | |
| No, he said he reads out of the passage and this is the passage and then he then interprets what he thinks that should mean. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| He was pretty clear. | ||
| He said it says to suck. | ||
| Yeah, but he says you can use a device, because why not a device? | ||
| He goes, well, maybe it's not as good. | ||
| He didn't say with the mouth? | ||
| He said you can use a device, you can use something else. | ||
| But he goes, it's tradition not to. | ||
| He's interpreting it right there on that video. | ||
| But didn't it say in the scripture to suck it with the mouth? | ||
| No, he said to suck, and that means then with the mouth. | ||
| Huh. | ||
| He clearly says, it just says suck. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I don't want to listen to it again to figure it out. | ||
| But I don't think I've ever seen the music too either. | ||
| I've never seen that either. | ||
| How wonky is it that you're cutting babies' dicks and sucking on them? | ||
| I've never heard that before. | ||
| What a ridiculous thing it is. | ||
| People say, if you have a boy, would you circumcise your kid? | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| Why would I? His dick's going to look ugly. | ||
| What are you doing staring at people's dicks? | ||
| By the time someone gets to your dick, okay? | ||
| Look, what's the difference? | ||
| There's a little skin that's going to throw you off? | ||
| Good. | ||
| Get out of here. | ||
| You're crazy. | ||
| They say it's cleaner, right? | ||
| It's cleaner. | ||
| We do it because of the commandment. | ||
| And Joe, you know most people are circumcised. | ||
| You know that, right? | ||
| It's because there's reasons for that. | ||
| My nephew had so much skin. | ||
| It's because there's reasons for that? | ||
| My nephew had so much skin that there would be no way to clean his dick. | ||
| How do you know about your nephew's foreskin, son? | ||
| Because me and my mom had a conversation about it. | ||
| And we actually talked about my nephew's penis for a We started talking about my penis. | ||
| My mom said that the doctor that did my dick used to always brag to her about how good he was at circumcision. | ||
| He was like an artist. | ||
| My mom goes, he did a good job, right? | ||
| My mom actually goes, he did a good job, right? | ||
| Does it look good? | ||
| I go, mom, are you really asking me if my penis looks good? | ||
| Why don't you just whip it out? | ||
| It was over the phone. | ||
| Did you say you made it? | ||
| You want something? | ||
| I think it really is. | ||
| There's reasons why a lot of people should have it. | ||
| Some people have way too much skin down there. | ||
| That's a cute thought. | ||
| I definitely have heard that. | ||
| But it's not. | ||
| There's no medical reasons. | ||
| They say, oh, it prevents AIDS. Shut up. | ||
| I have heard of a sanitary issue. | ||
| Yeah, I've heard sanitary. | ||
| Get out of here. | ||
| It's natural. | ||
| You're supposed to have a spore skin over your dick. | ||
| It's some weird custom we do. | ||
| We cut it off. | ||
| Shit's ridiculous. | ||
| Yeah, you are supposed to have tonsils. | ||
| The only time to take them out is when they break, bro. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You don't take your tonsils out if they're working awesome. | ||
| Your foreskin's working fine. | ||
| You compared your foreskin to a tonsil? | ||
| How about your appendix, bro? | ||
| You don't fucking need that, bro. | ||
| Do you think your appendix is in? | ||
| When it bursts, you take it out. | ||
| There's no reason to cut your fucking healthy, normal foreskin off. | ||
| They used to always be fine, but tonsils were fine too in the old days. | ||
| People died, I guess. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| They died. | ||
| It wasn't fine. | ||
| It was a big difference. | ||
| A thousand years ago has nothing to do with what we know now about anything. | ||
| Well, I wonder why they started it in the first place. | ||
| What do you think made them start cutting dicks? | ||
| I know why Jews do it. | ||
| It's just the commandment. | ||
| But I don't know why non-Jews do it. | ||
| Yeah, but you know why Jews do it, but you don't know why they started doing it. | ||
| Whose idea was it? | ||
| How did that stick? | ||
| I don't think it's just because everyone does it. | ||
| I think there's actually health reasons to do it. | ||
| It's what my mom is explaining. | ||
| I said the same thing. | ||
| I'm like, why even do it? | ||
| This is a conversation that would be interesting if it was five years ago. | ||
| But with the world of Google, which is just, look it up. | ||
| Health benefits of circumcision. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| Yeah, because I told my mom, I was like, leave the poor kid alone. | ||
| If it didn't take the first time, don't do it. | ||
| And she goes, no, the doctor says you want to do this. | ||
| Get it one way or the other. | ||
| Yeah, he's going to have a terribly scarred up dick. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I guess they could take off too little and too much. | ||
| So it's like you have a doctor that's pretty much going, hey, you're going to have a great sex life or you're going to hate your life. | ||
| I have a feeling this is one of those divided issues and that we're going to find two completely different schools of thought on this. | ||
| But see, if it was divided, it wouldn't be like 90% or 80% or whatever it is that the people in the United States are circumcised. | ||
| I don't even know the numbers. | ||
| Yeah, I think it probably still would be because people do what they've always done. | ||
| If the tradition for a long time, over a few lifetimes, is circumcision, you know, it's really difficult to break that off when people start having children and the grandmother starts asking, you know, are you going to take the baby and give him a circumcise? | ||
| Aren't like a... | ||
| Diamonds and wedding rings, the new thing? | ||
| The new thing? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Wasn't that just like 100 years ago? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| Was that diamonds and wedding rings? | ||
| Or like you're supposed to spend a lot of money or something? | ||
| I wouldn't be surprised. | ||
| I wouldn't be surprised, man. | ||
| And now it's like everyone has to do it just because it's like become accepted. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| Let's see. | ||
| Complications. | ||
| Let's read complications. | ||
| Complications ranging in... | ||
| From 0.6% to 55% have been cited. | ||
| Wait, from having it or not having it? | ||
| Yeah, complications in having it. | ||
| More specific estimates have included 2% to 10% and 0.2% to 0.6%. | ||
| Okay, these are completely different numbers. | ||
| This is Wikipedia. | ||
| This is just wonky. | ||
| Anyway, according to the American Medical Association, blood loss and infection are the most common complications, but most bleeding is minor, can be stopped by applying pressure. | ||
| A survey of circumcision complications by Kaplan in 1983 revealed that the rate of bleeding complications was shown between 0.1% and 35%. | ||
| I think it's more now is what the doctor was saying because of this new way that they do it. | ||
| Higher rate of complications? | ||
| It's higher in complications. | ||
| I heard that a lot more people are having problems with circumcision than they used to. | ||
| And it's because it's like, I guess it's easier for the doctor, where in the past it used to be you go to like somebody that does it as a living, like a Jew, you know, whatever these guys are called. | ||
| Yeah, but that guy, that's all he does all day long. | ||
| Like he's like an artist for penis circumcisions. | ||
| Now they go to these doctors where they're fresh out of college, and this could be their second time doing it ever, you know what I mean? | ||
| And the kids kick in. | ||
| They do it while the kid's awake, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, so what I believe is they made a procedure that was easier. | ||
| You can't put the kid under, right? | ||
| You have to do it while the kid's awake. | ||
| Not the first time. | ||
| They dip their pinky in wine and let the kid suck on it. | ||
| That's just to get him drunk. | ||
| Yeah, that's what he's saying. | ||
| That's what he's saying. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Your joke is what they actually do. | ||
| That is crazy that they did that, though. | ||
| And then they also will play with his dick a little bit. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Before I suck the kid's penis after cutting it off, I like to get him drunk. | ||
| Yeah, what the fuck? | ||
| It might rival the Christians soon. | ||
| Right? | ||
| For weird pedophilia shit. | ||
| Who was the first? | ||
| I want to know what the fucking origin of circumcision was. | ||
| I want to know where it came from. | ||
| We should get a penis doctor in here. | ||
| I wonder if they know. | ||
| I wonder if there's some ancient cave art. | ||
| It's in the pyramid. | ||
| It's good, pretty dick. | ||
| When Jews said to circumcise your children, I don't think that was the new thing. | ||
| Circumcision was probably already out. | ||
| Yeah, what caused it? | ||
| What the fuck caused it? | ||
| Sexually transmitted diseases. | ||
| Yeah, it wasn't around a thousand years ago. | ||
| Wasn't it? | ||
| A thousand years? | ||
| Oh, maybe the clap, stuff like that. | ||
| I think shit has always been around, man. | ||
| It's gotta been around. | ||
| You know, Al Capone died of syphilis. | ||
| Yeah, but that wasn't... | ||
| It ran Lincoln at Crabs. | ||
| Yeah, but what was that? | ||
| That was the 1930s, was Al Capone? | ||
| Yeah, that was 80 years ago. | ||
| Okay, come on, man. | ||
| This shit was around before that. | ||
| It's been around. | ||
| I bet it's been around a long time. | ||
| AIDS wasn't around. | ||
| 50 years ago. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| I mean, we're guessing again. | ||
| Yeah, who knows? | ||
| They're saying that it might help prevent HIV infection. | ||
| I can see that totally. | ||
| More skin, open area. | ||
| Women have a way higher rate of catching HIV than men. | ||
| 200 to 1. Really? | ||
| Women are 200 times more likely to get HIV from a man than vice versa. | ||
| Damn, son. | ||
| Because of all that open, woundy looking area. | ||
| Plus, they can get all funky in there with yeast infections. | ||
| And they have to carry the children. | ||
| So not circumcising a child might make him way more likely to get AIDS. Yeah. | ||
| So that's a risk you're taking that way. | ||
| Complications include... | ||
| And just having to clean out, you know, like fucking fungus. | ||
| Do you have to? | ||
| Joey Diaz says there's no problems. | ||
| He hasn't seen it in fucking five years. | ||
| He doesn't know. | ||
| Joey Diaz said his heart was strong after he had a heart attack. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| His heart's strong. | ||
| He hasn't seen it in five years. | ||
| Well, he sees it when he stands in front of the mirror. | ||
| I'm sure he gives it a little look over with his reading glasses on. | ||
| And you know another question I asked my mom? | ||
| It's like, why is my doctor talking to you about how good he is at cutting penises? | ||
| Is that like some kind of hit, like he's hitting on my mom? | ||
| It's a very good question. | ||
| I'm really good at circumcision. | ||
| You know why? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's because all my life I've had such a pretty dick. | |
| I just want to show you what sucks. | ||
| Did you think about your mom hooking up with other dudes? | ||
| I asked my mom once. | ||
| Oh, your mom's single. | ||
| No, she's married. | ||
| But she was single for a while when I was like from third grade to like, I don't know, seventh grade or sixth grade. | ||
| She went on... | ||
| She dated a guy that owned a houseboat for a while named Denny. | ||
| And he used to take you on the boat? | ||
| Take me on the boat with a little hound dog. | ||
| That's so weird when your mom was dating guys. | ||
| The worst one was that my mom used to date this guy that was a pilot and he just got his license and he used to have one of those small propeller planes, like three seater, and we used to fly back and forth. | ||
| From different go-to-go places. | ||
| And I just remember going on six-hour journeys in this plane as a kid, terrified, out of my mind, while they're flirting in the front. | ||
| I'm in the back trying to read Garfield. | ||
| He would take you up in a little baby plane for six hours? | ||
| Yeah, we would go on trips. | ||
| I'd go from Ohio to fucking West Virginia. | ||
| There's some dudes that rock it like that. | ||
| They have a little propeller plane and they just fly through the fucking sky. | ||
| Get out of here. | ||
| How fast can those jammies go? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's not like a jet fast, but is it like 150 miles an hour fast? | ||
| Like a Cessna. | ||
| I wonder if you can get a sense of how fast you're going. | ||
| It was scary as fuck. | ||
| And I remember going through a storm once. | ||
| We went through a storm once. | ||
| I remember thinking it was like airplanes. | ||
| That was one of my favorite movies as a kid. | ||
| It was an airplane. | ||
| I remember thinking that the whole time. | ||
| It's just like that movie Airplane. | ||
| It reminds me of that episode of Silver Spoons where they all go down in a propeller plane through a storm and they crash on a desert island. | ||
| I don't remember that one. | ||
| Ricky's got a bag of Skittles or M&Ms. | ||
| I don't remember now, but he had to share with everybody. | ||
| Cessna can travel up to the speed of 283 miles an hour. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's a lot more than I thought. | ||
| Yeah, it is. | ||
| This was like a barnstorming plane, though. | ||
| I don't think a Cessna's a jet, right? | ||
| Isn't it? | ||
| It's like a fucking propeller plane, right? | ||
| Is it? | ||
| This was like one propeller in the front kind of plane, and this was a scary plane. | ||
| Like somebody had to pull it down? | ||
| Push the plane off? | ||
| This is like, how the fuck? | ||
| Why am I in this plane? | ||
| Maybe that's a dope-ass Cessna. | ||
| Because I've heard something about 150 or 200 miles an hour. | ||
| That sounds pretty fast. | ||
| But either way, that's pretty cool that you can do that and have that kind of freedom. | ||
| Get in your own plane and fly to another state. | ||
| It's pretty badass. | ||
| That's pretty cool. | ||
| Avoid everything. | ||
| Avoid traffic. | ||
| Avoid everything. | ||
| Just land. | ||
| There was a Stephen King movie, and I read the book first, and then I got the movie. | ||
| I think it was one of his short stories, but it was called Night Flyer. | ||
| And it was about a dude who was a newspaper reporter. | ||
| Yeah, I remember that book. | ||
| It was terribly good. | ||
| The movie is terribly, awfully great. | ||
| It's just one of those, it's bad, but it's good. | ||
| It's one of those movies where I'm happy if it's 1 o'clock in the morning and I'm flipping through the channel's board and then it comes on. | ||
| I'm like, oh shit! | ||
| Shit, this is good. | ||
| Let me get some popcorn. | ||
| Anyway, in this story, this guy, he had a Cessna, and he would fly into these little airports, and there was a vampire that was doing the same thing. | ||
| The vampire was flying in, the vampire had an airplane, and would jack people at airports and shit. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, they had little tiny airports. | ||
| It was kind of cool. | ||
| It was kind of cool and shitty at the same time. | ||
| It wasn't anything to be proud of, but it was fun. | ||
| It was fun to watch. | ||
| All of his stuff works better with stories, really. | ||
| Yeah, way better. | ||
| When you start making it a physical reality, like, oh, it's hard. | ||
| Salem's Lot pulled it off. | ||
| Salem's Lot was terrible. | ||
| I didn't think it was terrible. | ||
| You were young. | ||
| Maybe you're right. | ||
| It was terrible. | ||
| I haven't seen it recently. | ||
| There were random characters just popped up out of nowhere, sending important information. | ||
| But like, who is that person? | ||
| I enjoyed the fuck out of it when I was a little kid, when that guy was dancing in front of the window. | ||
| Maximum overdrive. | ||
| I think maybe he just... | ||
| Stephen King's never really gotten... | ||
| Probably a really good screenwriter and director. | ||
| His stories are so fantastical, if there's a word. | ||
| You know, his stories are so much better in the imagination. | ||
| You know, some of them like... | ||
| You know, like the Tommy Knockers. | ||
| Did you ever see the movie, Tommy Knockers? | ||
| Never saw a movie. | ||
| I saw Carrie. | ||
| I don't even remember it. | ||
| I might not even have seen that one. | ||
| But there was a bunch of them that I've seen. | ||
| I don't know if I saw the Tommy Knockers. | ||
| I seem to remember it was like a made-for-TV special. | ||
| Carrie is really good. | ||
| But the book is great! | ||
| The book is really interesting, man. | ||
| Like, Pet Sematary? | ||
| The movie's like, eh, it's alright. | ||
| It's okay. | ||
| It's not bad. | ||
| It's kind of interesting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
First I went to play with Mrs. Johnson, then I played with Mommy, and now I want to play with you. | |
| I want to play with you, Daddy. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| I like Maximum Cooper Drive. | ||
| But the book is the shit, man. | ||
| Pet Sematary, the book, is fascinating. | ||
| Stephen King is so good at, like, pulling at raw emotions, like these people that wanted their daughter back, so they buried her. | ||
| The whole thing about it's like, The desperation. | ||
| Then they had the cat. | ||
| The cat that came back that was acting all fucked up and weird. | ||
| Yeah, that was creepy. | ||
| Those fucking movies. | ||
| The movies can never fuck with those books. | ||
| Because you'd be alone in your room and you didn't want to stop reading. | ||
| And you would keep going and going. | ||
| I would read them when I was on the train when I was living in Newton. | ||
| I'd take the train into Taekwondo in Boston. | ||
| I didn't want to get off the train, man. | ||
| I'd get on a good one and I'd be like, fuck! | ||
| I can't believe my stop is here already. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Christine, wasn't Christine him? | ||
| That was one of my favorites. | ||
| Christine, I like the car ones for some reason. | ||
| Christine was awesome. | ||
| Christine was the car one. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, and Maximum Overdrive. | ||
| I never read that one. | ||
| Maximum Overdrive was the truck one where the trucks came to life. | ||
| The one had the Green Goblin in the front of it. | ||
| It's badass. | ||
| I just remember the Green Goblin and I thought that was so good. | ||
| Is there any one guy that's responsible for more badass fucking stories than Stephen King? | ||
| He's got a lot. | ||
| He's very, very... | ||
| He writes a lot. | ||
| He's so prolific, man. | ||
| Remember that old Saturday Night Live sketch where he was doing an interview? | ||
| No. | ||
| And the whole time he was doing an interview, it might have been Dana Carvey. | ||
| It was one of those time periods. | ||
| And he's just typing away. | ||
| Just typing away on his computer. | ||
| And he's like, yeah, I'm writing a new book about whatever. | ||
| And he's like, how do you get your whatever? | ||
| He's like, ah, you know, I go to the supermarket. | ||
| He just keeps typing. | ||
| And then all of a sudden it just stops. | ||
| And the guy goes, what's the matter? | ||
| He goes, I just... | ||
| Just got writer's block. | ||
| Oh, gone! | ||
| And then it just goes right back to typing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was funny. | ||
| No one's got less writer's block than that guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He just forces himself to work and work every day. | ||
| I mean, he was working after he recovered from his horrible car accident. | ||
| If you don't know the stories, some guy was like talking to his dog in his car and not paying attention. | ||
| He clipped Stephen King and was walking on the side of the road. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Nailed him, dude. | ||
| Sent him flying. | ||
| Broke every fucking bone in his body. | ||
| His hips, his legs, his femur, his arms, his ribs. | ||
| He's just fucked for like the longest time. | ||
| So it took him forever to recover from that. | ||
| And as he's recovering, they set up a fucking desk for him and he gave him a fucking computer. | ||
| He was typing away. | ||
| He started working again. | ||
| You know, Ralph, he told a story at my story show about how he got into a car accident and the same thing happened. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Broke all the bones in his body. | ||
| He told me we're going to walk again. | ||
| When was this? | ||
| When he was, I think, in high school. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, and then he was like a jock, and then he said, he was talking about it, but he just got real solemn, and he goes, you know, and then I gained some weight from there, and it just kind of spiraled. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's how shit happens in life. | ||
| Huh. | ||
| Yeah, it was really good, because really, everyone was just listening hard. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, Ralphie's got that thing where you don't talk about it when you're around him, but, you know, he's morbidly obese. | ||
| Yeah, he makes jokes about it, but I still don't really talk about it with him. | ||
| Yeah, I don't either. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| It's like there's a few of those dudes. | ||
| It's like you don't know what to say to them. | ||
| There's nothing you can say. | ||
| You got your own personal journey you're on, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you're not in a good spot. | ||
| You got to figure it out. | ||
| You got to somehow or another turn that boat. | ||
| Or you don't. | ||
| Or don't. | ||
| You don't beat everything in your life. | ||
| Yeah, and you know, for some people, it's so fucking difficult to lose weight. | ||
| Some people just have it made. | ||
| They can eat all day and they don't have any problems at all. | ||
| But other people, man, like Brian, you fucking struggle, man. | ||
| Like you eat like a cheeseburger and all of a sudden you gain like five pounds. | ||
| Like it doesn't even make sense. | ||
| A cheeseburger doesn't even weigh five pounds. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Somehow or another, like you gain more weight than you eat. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's all because of my metabolism. | ||
| Like today, I haven't had one thing today and it's 5.30. | ||
| You know, I haven't ate one thing today except coffee. | ||
| Well, that's not good for your metabolism either. | ||
| You're supposed to eat small... | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| My metabolism's fucked up, so I eat a hamburger. | ||
| No, you're supposed to eat lots of small meals. | ||
| Oh, I know. | ||
| The way you're supposed to do it. | ||
| I know. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| I suck at it. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Bad eating habits. | ||
| You did it for a while, man. | ||
| You got down... | ||
| You lost some stupid amount of weight, didn't you, at one point in time? | ||
| 60 to 70. You did it over the course of five months, right? | ||
| Well, the majority of it was three months, and then... | ||
| And then, like, 10 or 15 pounds per day. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| How much have you gained back? | ||
| I got down to 165. Right now I'm 185, so... | ||
| Okay, so 20 pounds back. | ||
| Not terrible. | ||
| But 165, you were done, or you were still losing weight? | ||
| 165 is like the max that I get. | ||
| No, I thought I looked like I had AIDS, so I was like, fuck this. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That's what you look like, stupid. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't like the AIDS, me. | ||
| It's just your faces. | ||
| You just get used to that round face. | ||
| Yeah, it's like whenever I shave a goatee. | ||
| If I have a goatee for like a year, then I shave it. | ||
| It's like, whoa, what happened to my lips? | ||
| Yeah, when I shave my face, I'm amazed at how small my head looks. | ||
| When I grow a beard, my head looks like it's ten times bigger. | ||
| I get this fucking black mass in my face. | ||
| And I feel like I have this big, fat, stupid face. | ||
| My face feels fat and stupid. | ||
| And then I shave it, and I'm like, oh, my face is under there. | ||
| Yeah, I just shaved it for that very reason. | ||
| I was just like, God, I look fucking old and fat right now. | ||
| I shaved it and I got ID'd for fucking buying NyQuil the other day at fucking CVS. You always get ID'd for buying NyQuil. | ||
| I never had that problem with NyQuil. | ||
| Well, they're supposed to. | ||
| You get ID'd no matter how old you are so that they know who's buying it. | ||
| Yeah, you can't. | ||
| It's not because they're carding you, bro. | ||
| They carded you for NyQuil, bro. | ||
| No, that's not what they're doing, man. | ||
| They're doing that because you're supposed to get registered. | ||
| You're supposed to register when you buy anything that can turn into meth. | ||
| Wow, that's crazy. | ||
| I love those moments in life where you're convinced. | ||
| It was like, well, I guess I look really young. | ||
| And you just have that convinced that this is a fact. | ||
| And then you're playing another fact. | ||
| And you're like, oh. | ||
| I heard some girl in Vegas go, oh my god, I still get carded all the time. | ||
| And I swear to god, she looked like she was 45 years old. | ||
| Some people just want to believe that. | ||
| I get carded all the time. | ||
| No one wants to ever admit, like, damn. | ||
| I thought they took the chemical out of NyQuil that you can make meth with. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| They took the chemical out of most things that you can make meth with. | ||
| But you can still do it. | ||
| We can still make a certain amount of things. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| The late acetaminophen, and there's certain things that are very desirable. | ||
| In there. | ||
| But codeine used to be in NyQuil. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| That was a different thing. | ||
| It's not the meth stuff. | ||
| The lady said, because when I asked her, I was like, are you seriously IDing me for NyQuil? | ||
| She goes, well, it's because CVS's policy is to try to get We need kids not to get addicted to cough syrup at a young age, and that's why they have to do it. | ||
| Well, there's that too. | ||
| She said they ID anyone under the age of 18. Oh, so she did ID you for your age? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| But what kind of shit are you getting? | ||
| Are you getting prescription shit? | ||
| No, I was just getting NyQuil the other day. | ||
| But NyQuil doesn't have codeine. | ||
| Wait, so if I said a 16-year-old boy... | ||
| And to get NyQuil, they wouldn't sell it to them? | ||
| Right. | ||
| This is a new thing? | ||
| For CVS. CVS's policy. | ||
| Well, I wouldn't know because I've never gone to it. | ||
| I thought they were just... | ||
| I thought you were... | ||
| When I say NyQuil, I don't buy the drink. | ||
| I get the pills. | ||
| The NyQuil pills. | ||
| Like DayQuil and NyQuil. | ||
| That can't be legal for them to track who you are. | ||
| But I've seen the other stuff, too. | ||
| Yeah, I've seen it too, but when they stopped having codeine in it, I stopped buying it. | ||
| I had it once. | ||
| Wasn't it fun? | ||
| I was sick, dude. | ||
| I was on news radio, and I had the day off, luckily, and I was sick, and I took codeine, the codeine NyQuil, and I sat in front of my fucking TV, watching TV, going, I feel so awesome. | ||
| I was so high. | ||
| Codeine is a very different kind of high. | ||
| It's a very like happy, silly, relaxed. | ||
| Like my pillow felt great. | ||
| That sounds cool. | ||
| My covers felt great. | ||
| Oh, NyQuil with codeine was the shit. | ||
| How much would you have to drink to get that? | ||
| I drank whatever it said to drink. | ||
| It said like a capful. | ||
| At Benji's had a July 5th party last year and we had his grandmother's cough medicine and some kids were doing it. | ||
| Was it the real shit with codeine? | ||
| It was like the real crazy stuff. | ||
| Well, the real shit with codeine in it is hard to get, but you used to be able to get it at a corner store. | ||
| I know a comic who used to be addicted to it. | ||
| I think it's just over-the-counter. | ||
| I think you can still get it if you just talk to a pharmacist at CVS. With codeine, bro? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| I don't know if it's the same stuff, bro. | ||
| You can still get the liquid NyQuil, definitely. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| You can still get liquid NyQuil and it'll still fuck you up, but it won't fuck you up as well. | ||
| I think the NyQuil... | ||
| Listen, we're talking shit and we can just Google this. | ||
| We're just quoting facts for guessing. | ||
| We've been doing this all day. | ||
| It's probably like 60 to 100%. | ||
| Yeah, probably 100%. | ||
| And then maybe... | ||
| But yeah, you know, when I was a kid, I didn't even do the NyQuil for a while. | ||
| What I started off was doing is the No-Dos because it was like speed. | ||
| And so I'd buy a shitload of No-Dos. | ||
| Remember those? | ||
| No-Dos. | ||
| No, I took those from college. | ||
| Fucking used to take like 20 of those motherfuckers. | ||
| Vibrant. | ||
| I was always scared of that shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You would never do 20. Because one of those things, you take it, man, you're committed to that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, if you're for the next fucking three hours. | ||
| That was my first drug. | ||
| A lot of people used to do that before football or basketball games to get up, you know? | ||
| So I take one of those pills, caffeine pills, whatever they're called. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Now I need that five-hour energy drink. | ||
| Now you got that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Which, by the way, I finally read the bottle. | ||
| It says half a bottle for moderate awakeness. | ||
| I would always take the whole thing and be up for like nine hours. | ||
| Yeah, now I just take like a third. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It's always enough for me. | ||
| I don't drink coffee like you do. | ||
| Yeah, you don't drink any caffeine. | ||
| You used to, but then you got the headaches once, right? | ||
| I switched. | ||
| No, I never drank coffee. | ||
| I switched from Cokes to Sprites. | ||
| Just my taste changed one day, and then the withdrawal gave me humongous headaches. | ||
| So then I was like, I don't want to have to go through the withdrawal if I change my tastes. | ||
| I agree, but coffee's awesome. | ||
| You guys are addicts. | ||
| Tate Fletcher said it best. | ||
| He said, it's like a warm hug. | ||
| That's what coffee's like. | ||
| Sounds like an era. | ||
| Tate, he's right. | ||
| Coffee's delicious. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| I love it when I write. | ||
| It's comforting. | ||
| Like I write something and then I take a little sip. | ||
| Here's my little reward for writing. | ||
| Even as a kid, I liked coffee ice cream. | ||
| I loved the taste of coffee. | ||
| Well, the shit I buy is from Hawaii. | ||
| I buy that Kona coffee. | ||
| It's so delicious, man. | ||
| They're bad motherfuckers. | ||
| It's weird how there's spots in the world where they just have it down. | ||
| They can just grow one thing. | ||
| Awesome. | ||
| And in Kona, on the big island of Hawaii, they'd make the best taste in coffee, man. | ||
| It's so good. | ||
| It's like cigars from Cuba. | ||
| There's like Balto Viejo. | ||
| I forget the name of the place. | ||
| And the climate is perfect for the way the land looks. | ||
| It's a small area. | ||
| The area where they can grow the best cigars in Cuba is very small. | ||
| But that fucking soil, there's something about that shit. | ||
| The way the sun hits it every day. | ||
| Whatever it is, man. | ||
| The right spot on the planet. | ||
| The right amount of dead plants have rotted in there over the millions of years. | ||
| And it's just the perfect soil. | ||
| That makes the best tobacco. | ||
| Yeah, and they've been growing them there for years and years. | ||
| Like, they can make a real good cigar when they take the seeds from... | ||
| Bring them to Nicaragua or Dominican Republic. | ||
| They can still make a pretty kick-ass cigar. | ||
| But there's just something, a little extra kick. | ||
| If you know cigars, there's a little extra kick about those Cubans. | ||
| Habanero peppers you get in from Mexico are hotter. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And habanero peppers are grown up here. | ||
| How much hotter? | ||
| I can taste them. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, you fucked up. | ||
| We never went to that chili place. | ||
| The dude died. | ||
| I always thought I would go. | ||
| Fuck, we fucked up, man. | ||
| There was a place in Encino called Chili My Soul. | ||
| And dude, I went there with my boy Tom Hershko and David Hurwitz from Fear Factor. | ||
| And it was a guy who was just a chili fanatic. | ||
| And he was hard core. | ||
| Like you couldn't believe that a guy had a store and he was selling chili this hot. | ||
| Because he would have a bunch of different levels. | ||
| But there was a level, I didn't even try 10. I tried level 9. And that was good. | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| What's that called? | ||
| Capiscopum? | ||
| What is that stuff called? | ||
| Capsation. | ||
| Capsation? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I've only seen it written. | ||
| I've never said the word. | ||
| But that stuff, he had that stuff in it. | ||
| And it had the ghost pepper. | ||
| Yeah, the Indian ghost pepper. | ||
| Yes, that's what it's called, the ghost pepper. | ||
| He had one of those guys? | ||
| Yes, he had the extract of ghost pepper in some of his shit. | ||
| Yeah, I saw that at a hot sauce place in Austin. | ||
| But it was at a place that served hot sauce bottles. | ||
| The Scoville units are off the charts. | ||
| So I didn't even have the super crazy death shit. | ||
| I had one notch below that. | ||
| I put one scoop into my mouth. | ||
| My tongue went numb. | ||
| I started hiccuping completely uncontrollably. | ||
| Tears were flowing down my face. | ||
| Snot was pouring down my nose. | ||
| Now you can see how that's a defense mechanism. | ||
| You would never try that again if you accidentally were like, maybe I'll try this berry. | ||
| You would never try that berry again. | ||
| But he told me that he would get dudes that would come in from Tibet especially. | ||
| Like people had heard about it. | ||
| Like Tibetan dudes apparently have insane tolerance for hot foods. | ||
| And they would come in and take his death shit and pour more death sauce, more capsaicin, more pour that shit on his chili. | ||
| And he couldn't believe they could eat it. | ||
| He would sit there watching them and these guys would just love it. | ||
| They were sweating and loving it. | ||
| Loving it. | ||
| It's like, I guess different people in different climates develop some sort of a different tolerance. | ||
| Yeah, they eat a lot of thyme. | ||
| I just shit blood now. | ||
| If I even get close to that shit. | ||
| Dude, I'm telling you, I have never had anything as hot as this chili. | ||
| And this was, like I said, this was number 9 out of 10. Done. | ||
| He died in clothes. | ||
| Yeah, he died. | ||
| I always thought I would do it. | ||
| He was a big guy. | ||
| He ate a lot of his own chili. | ||
| They used to have it, too, at that place, The Griddle. | ||
| Is that the place in Hollywood? | ||
| They used to have his chilies. | ||
| They used to sell them there. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| That's how I found out the guy died. | ||
| Because I said, hey, you guys don't have those chilies anymore. | ||
| And they go, oh, the guy died. | ||
| I'm like, oh, no. | ||
| Such a bummer, man. | ||
| See, that's when those people die. | ||
| Like when Macho Man Randy Savage died, it's like, it's too bad. | ||
| But he wasn't in my world anymore. | ||
| He wasn't assisting me. | ||
| Or Michael Jackson, he's not making any good music anymore. | ||
| But when a guy like that dies, you're like, you have a loss now. | ||
| Yeah, well, he was a real chilly connoisseur. | ||
| I would have loved to have seen him on that Anthony Bourdain show. | ||
| The No Reservation Show, he would have definitely had to have visited that guy if the guy stayed alive. | ||
| But anyway, his chilies were the shit, man. | ||
| He had all these different flavors, and they were just, all of them would just, you'd be sweating. | ||
| And he had these hardcore dudes that would go there. | ||
| He had recommendations and all these articles written about his place all over the wall. | ||
| It was just because the chili was so hardcore. | ||
| All the crazy people would be like, dude, we found the spot. | ||
| If you're really insane into that hot food, some people can just throw it down. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| I do too, but I don't think I can take as much as you can take. | ||
| My dad was way more than me. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's also, it's a stupid thing. | ||
| People somehow, yeah, make it like, oh, I'm tough. | ||
| I can do this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, you're not tough. | |
| You just like that stuff better. | ||
| It's a manly thing. | ||
| How much you can take. | ||
| That's what I told you. | ||
| The same thing. | ||
| People in Australia are making fun of me because I wasn't drinking so much. | ||
| Like, oh, you have no tolerance. | ||
| And I was like, light up a joint and I will take this whole country on. | ||
| Let's do this. | ||
| You want to talk about manhood? | ||
| Let's fucking do this. | ||
| That's totally unfair because they don't have real pot there. | ||
| No, they don't. | ||
| I mean, they do, but they don't. | ||
| They think they do. | ||
| They think their pot's awesome. | ||
| You're like, that's cute. | ||
| You want to rub their head? | ||
| Sweet. | ||
| Sweet with your little 15% THC. Joey Diaz brought some shit over yesterday. | ||
| It was 34% THC. The Matz? | ||
| Is that what he brought? | ||
| Matt's OG Kush. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| That shit can change the world, okay? | ||
| If we get enough people to try Matt's OG Kush, it could change the fucking world. | ||
| It takes you for the whole ride, too. | ||
| It takes you for the whole ride, and when you're done, you have some things to think about. | ||
| Yeah, and you have to like, oh, I need a nap now. | ||
| Yeah, and you got some things to think about. | ||
| There might be somebody you want to call up and apologize for some shit that happened in the seventh grade. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dude, Alex Moore yesterday had this stuff. | ||
| He grows this OG Kush from the same clone as the guy who grows at the store. | ||
| And he, the little buds are too small. | ||
| They boil it down and make honey butter out of it. | ||
| Have you guys ever seen that? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| They sift it through butane. | ||
| Let the butane, and so it melts into like paste. | ||
| Let the butane burn off because it just evaporates in the air. | ||
| And then it's just this like paste. | ||
| And it's so brutally high. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| I'm so scared just listening to you talk about that. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| I think he said half grams go for like 60. People don't even know that have never eaten it. | ||
| They really don't know. | ||
| People, especially squares or people really straight, they don't know that experience. | ||
| When we joke around about it, like when Joey pulled out that cookie yesterday, I got scared. | ||
| That looks scary. | ||
| I got that taste in my mouth after eating mushrooms right before you start tripping. | ||
| That's the taste I can get. | ||
| First of all, there's a smell that certain really powerful edibles have. | ||
| There's a smell. | ||
| On the airline to... | ||
| Yes, yes. | ||
| Those are from the same place he gets them from. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| No, there's nothing on the airline to Australia. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| You didn't do that. | ||
| There's no way you would do something that ridiculous. | ||
| Nobody caught me. | ||
| It's just a story. | ||
| It's just a story. | ||
| It's fiction, folks. | ||
| Anyway, yeah, there's a smell. | ||
| You opened up that cart and I was like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm going to jail! | |
| I didn't expect to smell like that. | ||
| Oh my god, I didn't smell! | ||
| Especially in that tube, that plane, when you broke that Tupperware seal and that hit me, I was like, I was thinking, I was thinking, I hope things ran through my mind. | ||
| Mugshot, mugshot, stamping the hand, stamping the hand, fingerprints, cuffs, jail door shut, phone call to lawyer, shit, how much? | ||
| Motherfucker, I could be here for how long? | ||
| Goddammit, Ari! | ||
| Slapping Ari. | ||
| I thought of like, I thought of like flashes. | ||
| I had like a slideshow. | ||
| Prison cell. | ||
| You ever like have a friend of like curses in public and you see all these kids behind you and he just forgot where he was? | ||
| You're like, shut up! | ||
| That was that feeling, the same thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, put that away! | |
| Dude, what the fuck are you doing? | ||
| I was like, oh my god. | ||
| First of all, you just brought so much. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There was no way you could eat it all. | ||
| No. | ||
| And I was like, I can't join you. | ||
| It was for the trip. | ||
| But we were too deep in, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| There was only a couple hours to land. | ||
| I'm like, I can't. | ||
| The last thing you want to do is bake to the gills and then go through foreign country customs. | ||
| I chucked them. | ||
| I didn't take them in. | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| Well, I show up for planes high, but I don't bring anything on me. | ||
| But when we were in Australia, I ate a cookie right before we left for the airport. | ||
| So by the time we got for the airport, I'm giving this lady my passport, and she's telling me that it doesn't look anything like me. | ||
| And you're believing her? | ||
| She's just some dumb... | ||
| No, she's just a dumb, dumb cunt. | ||
| My face is way more melted. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She was just dumb. | |
| It was one of those things where you're talking to someone and you're like, I can't believe I'm forced to have a conversation with you and you're in some sort of position of power. | ||
| I go, that's me. | ||
| She goes, it doesn't look anything like you. | ||
| I go, what are you talking about? | ||
| I go, that's me. | ||
| I'm smiling in that picture. | ||
| See? | ||
| That's me. | ||
| I got a big smile. | ||
| It's just like... | ||
| She shakes her head, like, are you shaking your head because this isn't me? | ||
| Like, what are you saying? | ||
| I got it, like, ambivalent. | ||
| I'm like, this is ridiculous. | ||
| She wasn't going to let you in? | ||
| Dude, she was questioning me. | ||
| I was like, oh my god, lady. | ||
| I've been here for three days. | ||
| I work for the Ultimate Fighting Championship. | ||
| I'm going. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Crazy Australian broad. | ||
| They're all crazy out there. | ||
| Oh, they are, but at least, you know, they let you in. | ||
| In Canada, like, no, you cut a fart in high school. | ||
| Go home. | ||
| That's all it takes, really. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| You did anything fucked up. | ||
| Even if what you did was, like, you were exonerated from, you're still getting pulled into a room. | ||
| Eddie Bravo can't go to Canada without getting pulled into a room because he got a gun charge that was illegal. | ||
| He had a gun on him. | ||
| He was legal. | ||
| He was working for a check cashing company, carrying around a ton of cash with him. | ||
| He got pulled over for a traffic violation, and he informed the officer, I have a loaded gun in the car. | ||
| He said, thank you, step out. | ||
| Why do you need this? | ||
| They handcuff him. | ||
| They put him in the car. | ||
| I work for a check cashing company. | ||
| I have to carry a gun. | ||
| I carry large amounts of cash. | ||
| They check up at the store. | ||
| Okay, you're all set. | ||
| Here's your gun. | ||
| Free to go. | ||
| But it's still on his record. | ||
| So every time we go to Canada, he gets pulled over into a fucking room, and they grill him. | ||
| That's nuts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shh. | |
| Yeah, they don't fuck around in Canada, son. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| I was making fun of my sound that I heard on my face. | ||
| He went... | ||
| Brian's in another place today. | ||
| Strange Brian today. | ||
| Brian, why won't you do Shroomfest? | ||
| Why won't you be a part of it? | ||
| Honestly, I just ate. | ||
| There's no reason I need to reset my body before I go back into that. | ||
| Yeah, it's good to take time off, bro. | ||
| You learned something. | ||
| You had a crazy trip. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And everybody who says that you don't learn anything and it's just like, fuck you. | ||
| I'm so tired of that argument, man. | ||
| It's online all the time. | ||
| Like, you don't learn anything. | ||
| You're just frying your brain. | ||
| You definitely haven't done it. | ||
| Here's what I think. | ||
| I don't... | ||
| I feel that there's a connection to a higher power or anything like that, but I learned stuff about myself and what would make me happy. | ||
| I see myself and my place in the world clearly. | ||
| And the more that I could hold onto and take back with me, the better it is for me. | ||
| Well, the idea is that that is the higher power. | ||
| The higher power is realization. | ||
| The higher power is understanding. | ||
| The higher power is a stage of enlightenment that you can achieve while under the spell of the mushroom that you don't normally have. | ||
| That is the higher power. | ||
| It's not God. | ||
| It's a higher amount of power that you have. | ||
| You keep going deeper and deeper. | ||
| It connects you more and more to the truth and more and more to the love. | ||
| What you're getting out of it by getting a fresh perspective on yourself and dissolving your ego and you feel this connection of love and everything. | ||
| What it's supposed to be is you connecting to I remember sitting in my car and thinking, there's no reason I don't tell people, like other comedians would say, that I like something they do. | ||
| Just show my support. | ||
| Instead of keeping it quiet and only saying, eh, this is messed up. | ||
| Just tell him. | ||
| I remember writing a letter to Chris Fairbanks saying, you have a really interesting delivery style. | ||
| And it's cool that it works like that. | ||
| Technically, that's awesome. | ||
| That's cool, man. | ||
| He just said, thank you. | ||
| I really appreciate that. | ||
| And that's like, why wouldn't I be doing that? | ||
| Why would I be holding myself back from doing that shit for so long? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's no reason. | ||
| I love when, like, you know, you're not supposed to say it, but I love when I get emails from, like, comics that I respect, and they say they saw something. | ||
| It's like, you know, like, if Stan Hope will send me some email and they saw something that I did and loved it, I'm like... | ||
| It's a nice feeling. | ||
| And I do it all the time. | ||
| The other day really had me going. | ||
| I do that all the time, especially in person. | ||
| I love to do that in person. | ||
| You see a guy light up, you know, and you tell him, like, God damn, that bit you did was awesome. | ||
| Especially not telling him right after they get off. | ||
| You tell him, like, hey, I remember that, by the way. | ||
| I didn't see you after that, but I wanted to tell you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That too. | |
| Well, even when they, I mean, whenever you tell them, it doesn't matter. | ||
| Just tell them. | ||
| Yeah, man, you know, it's all hippie bullshit. | ||
| Everybody, you know what? | ||
| Fucking hippie bullshit. | ||
| Spread all that love, you queers. | ||
| Go suck each other's dicks. | ||
| See, that stuff is holding you back. | ||
| If you talk that way, if you have that, why are you so unhappy? | ||
| Don't be unhappy. | ||
| Because a lot of dudes are insecure. | ||
| They're insecure and they're struggling and they don't have what they want. | ||
| And when you're in a state where you don't have what you want and you haven't achieved what you want, you're in this constant state of unease. | ||
| And when you see people who are at ease, there's a tendency, a natural tendency that I've experienced myself to shit on those people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
To fight it. | |
| To shit on those people and go, this fucking asshole. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, you think because you fucking, you got some money, you're better than me? | ||
| You know, there's a tendency to, yeah. | ||
| Like, oh, yeah, you're a fucking materialist. | ||
| Yeah, great. | ||
| Like, you're real deep. | ||
| Yeah, there's important things in life other than, you know, your career, your life. | ||
| And they want to say this just because they're in a position of unease. | ||
| Yeah, they want to hold you back. | ||
| It's like hating the Kardashians. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's hard to like anything, man. | ||
| A lot of people have a hard time liking things. | ||
| They have a hard time enjoying things because they don't like themselves. | ||
| Even if you're not into it or whatever, you can like lots of stuff. | ||
| You can be like, that was awesome. | ||
| Some pitcher can be terrible, but you can throw one good pitch during a game, get lit up for 14 runs, but one fucking beautiful pitch, you can appreciate that one pitch. | ||
| I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. | ||
| You can see the positives in everything. | ||
| You don't have to hate everything. | ||
| Just because they're more successful, you don't have to hate them. | ||
| I deal with a lot of these message boards, especially for mixed martial arts, and the disrespect that these guys show to fighters that are doing the most dangerous and most fucked up job in the world, the riskiest job outside of being a soldier or a cop or a fire person, someone who actually risked their life, The next riskiest job is probably being a mixed martial arts fighter. | ||
| There's very little chance you're going to have a good future. | ||
| There's a real high chance you're going to get badly, badly injured. | ||
| And you may never make a lot of money. | ||
| Yeah, you're going to have knee reconstructions. | ||
| Everybody has broken hands. | ||
| Everybody has... | ||
| There's always shit that's going to go along. | ||
| And if you do it right, you can get glory and you can get to a great financial place. | ||
| But it's risky as fuck. | ||
| And I think that people owe... | ||
| Owe those people who are out there doing it and trying it, you owe them your respect. | ||
| Some level of respect. | ||
| When you see somebody super running, a lot of times it's like... | ||
| Well, you know, you say he didn't have a good style. | ||
| You say he didn't fight well. | ||
| It wasn't a good fight. | ||
| But to call him like a fang and all this. | ||
| These things that they say on these forums, like that people, they get so fucking insulting of fighters and shit all over all their performances. | ||
| It's like, man, guys cancel each other out. | ||
| Like people were shitting all over Tiago Alves. | ||
| Like Tiago looked like shit, couldn't pull the trigger. | ||
| Rick Story's a beast, man. | ||
| That kid's a gorilla. | ||
| That kid jumped all over Tiago, kneed the fuck out of his legs, didn't give him any inches, any room. | ||
| Instead of saying Tiago sucks, they're like, how good? | ||
| Is that Rick's story? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fight! | |
| And it was like, oh, the story's a blank and he just holds on until he's put me to sleep. | ||
| You're crazy. | ||
| They're balancing themselves out because both guys are awesome as fuck. | ||
| They're canceling each other out, rather. | ||
| Because Tiago Alves is awesome. | ||
| He's a bad motherfucker. | ||
| And this Rick story's a bad motherfucker, too. | ||
| And when you put the two of them together, sometimes it takes a long time for something to happen. | ||
| Because they're defending and canceling each other out, and they're throwing bombs at each other, and both of them are covering up well. | ||
| They're well-matched. | ||
| When they're well-matched, it makes for a really difficult fight for one guy to get the upper hand. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| So people get so disrespectful and so unappreciative of the efforts of what these fucking guys go through. | ||
| We can't even wrap our heads around what they have to do. | ||
| They dedicate like six, eight weeks of their life minimum. | ||
| Training all day long. | ||
| All day! | ||
| Every fucking day! | ||
| When I see the training videos, I'm like, ugh, I never want to do any of that, let alone every day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's brutal. | |
| And those people probably are 11 years old. | ||
| You know, it's like, internet hate. | ||
| You get these people, and you're like, oh, we forget. | ||
| That guy's probably... | ||
| You know what's a lot sadder? | ||
| Some of them are in their 40s, and they're still just a bunch of mean cunts talking shit about Machida or whoever. | ||
| I just let that go. | ||
| Whenever somebody says something, I see something like that online, it's like, I wish... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Well, I think people are learning how to navigate online. | ||
| I think there's more negativity than ever online, but I think that's because there's more people online than ever. | ||
| There's places where you can find where you can minimize your negativity, like your Twitter account. | ||
| You can easily minimize the negativity on your Twitter page. | ||
| Like blocking people that constantly do that? | ||
| I very rarely will argue with anyone on Twitter. | ||
| When you say something cunty, when am I going to defend myself? | ||
| I just block you or I retweet what you said so that everybody else knows what kind of a cunt you are. | ||
| And then I block you. | ||
| If they say something where they're just questioning something I thought, then that's okay. | ||
| Just say it nicely. | ||
| But when you're like, you fucking idiot moron. | ||
| It's like, shut up. | ||
| I know. | ||
| There's so many idiots out there. | ||
| I heard this thing on NPR today on the way over here. | ||
| They were talking about this guy wrote some book about how the way you act online will bleed into your real life. | ||
| Oh, for sure. | ||
| So if you're constantly going, you fucking loser, idiot, kill yourself, this video's terrible, fuck you. | ||
| Like, you take that with you to work the next day, and you're more negative, not all of it, but some level, you're way more negative with your coworkers and stuff and your friends. | ||
| Totally makes sense. | ||
| You know, you can't just get away with that. | ||
| There's this energy connected to all that negativity you're pumping out, and it's going to come back around. | ||
| Again, it sounds like hippie bullshit, but it's proven to be reality over and over again. | ||
| When they're 60, they look like they're 35. Okay? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| They have great lives. | ||
| They have stress-free lives. | ||
| Go be a hippie. | ||
| It's not the worst thing in the world. | ||
| New challenge for you, Hari. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| Every time you see a flower, you have to smell it. | ||
| Every time I see a flower, that's going to be so hard. | ||
| I have to pull over and stuff. | ||
| A rose. | ||
| No. | ||
| I still have to pull over and stuff. | ||
| What if you fucking florist in every corner in LA? I've been doing it for the last couple months, and it's so embarrassing. | ||
| The other day, some dude was skateboarding, and I'm like, oh, fuck. | ||
| I'm walking by this rose. | ||
| I have to stop and smell this flower, but there's this kid skateboarding coming towards me. | ||
| You should stop and smell it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I did. | |
| Do you want to smell that flower? | ||
| I did. | ||
| Why are you forcing yourself to do it whether you like it or not? | ||
| Because it's good. | ||
| It's good? | ||
| It smells great. | ||
| It's good to tell yourself not to be embarrassed about the skateboarder. | ||
| Just go ahead and smell it if you want to smell it. | ||
| It smells good. | ||
| But I'm bringing you to a doctor. | ||
| I'm convinced. | ||
| There's something really wrong with you. | ||
| Major psychological damage. | ||
| Major damage. | ||
| You're like a... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| There's something up there. | ||
| You don't see anything awesome about stopping and smelling a flower. | ||
| Every now and then, but don't let it fucking hold you up and be late for work and make you miss your flight. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| There's so many flowers, I have to keep pulling over. | ||
| The Rose Garden! | ||
| No! | ||
| No, I'm saying when you're walking, if you walk by one, smell one. | ||
| But it's great. | ||
| I've been doing it for a while and I love it now. | ||
| It fucking smells good shit. | ||
| So Ari, you had a freakout when you were at Brian's place. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, here's another thing. | ||
| Because of that, I did have a freak out. | ||
| I would say, if you're going to do psychedelics, make sure you're around people that you trust, people that will help you. | ||
| Don't want to put yourself in a bad environment. | ||
| Good advice. | ||
| Don't do it live on a podcast when you're jammed into a room with five other people probably either. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| So the idea was you guys were gonna do it on a podcast live. | ||
| You're gonna do salvia, which is still legal, right? | ||
| Is it legal in California? | ||
| Yes, it's legal. | ||
| So we weren't doing anything wrong, folks. | ||
| So you decided to do... | ||
| Isn't that crazy that salvia is legal, by the way? | ||
| Anyway, so you're doing salvia, you're doing it live on the air, and then you have a little spaz out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, the problem is, here's the deal. | ||
| And I will say this, I can't stress enough. | ||
| Really, you need to trust your friends. | ||
| Because I would watch Brian fuck with everybody else that was doing it. | ||
| Shove farts right in their face and tell the girl she had her boobs out and make her feel self-conscious. | ||
| And it's like, Brian, don't. | ||
| Stop doing that. | ||
| They're fucked up. | ||
| Like acid and mushrooms and salvia, they don't need anybody's help to work. | ||
| They will work on their own chemically. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So every time he started pulling at me, I knew he was fucking with me in some way, but in my weird world where I barely had a grasp on reality, where I'm like, no, no, if you pull me over there, that's where I'll die. | ||
| And I know you're not trying to pull me over there, but I'm going to drown to death for the sake of your little game. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah, because you don't know where you are. | ||
| I'm in a different planet where the rules of physics, of gravity, and the time... | ||
| And meanwhile, Brian is pulling you through this world. | ||
| Brian is touching me, and I think he's fucking with me. | ||
| I don't think he's helping me in any way. | ||
| First, let's rewind here. | ||
| We had two other people do it on this podcast, which is the Naughty Shock podcast, and the first person was Seahang. | ||
| And again, I did not fuck with either of these people while they were doing it. | ||
| Yes, you did. | ||
| After it was done and they came out of it, we kind of fucked around, but they were back into consciousness. | ||
| No, you shoved that fart spray fleshlight into his face. | ||
| He shoved it into your face while you were under, too. | ||
| No. | ||
| Alright, that's another thing. | ||
| I didn't see that. | ||
| If you watched the video, it was behind his back and it was only for the cameras. | ||
| It wasn't for Ari. | ||
| Yeah, but I kept hearing you say stuff like, hey, this time say this. | ||
| Now I'm always like, are you guys fucking with me? | ||
| Or is my reality changing? | ||
| Let's say I did see that drapes becoming Waterfall. | ||
| I want to know something's fucking with me. | ||
| I want to know that's probably not the case. | ||
| Now watching this video, you realize I wasn't fucking with you at all. | ||
| No, you were. | ||
| You were putting psychedelic looks on the screen behind me. | ||
| Alright, the screen behind you was behind you, so you couldn't even see it. | ||
| I could turn this far and see it. | ||
| But you didn't. | ||
| But you were trying to do the same thing to Allison. | ||
| I saw you fucking... | ||
| It's okay. | ||
| Here's what I've come to mind. | ||
| Alright, what I was doing was not... | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what you do. | |
| Alright, what I was doing was not fucking with you. | ||
| It was for the video viewers of the show. | ||
| The TV was behind you. | ||
| You couldn't even see the TV. Yeah. | ||
| Okay, do you think that he could have possibly misconstrued what you were doing? | ||
| When I took ass to the UFC, before I even started tripping... | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| He couldn't see what I was doing. | ||
| Hold on, listen. | ||
| Before I even started tripping, people, there's certain types of people, and that's okay, it's just who you are, will like to do things like this, which you did, you go, and I'm like, Brian, I know I'm not tripping yet. | ||
| And you keep trying, and it's like, I get it, but it's annoying, because soon I will try. | ||
| Don't talk, Brian, you gotta let him talk. | ||
| I know exactly what he's talking about. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But you can't interrupt, because this is not, Brian, this is not a podcast. | |
| There's a million people listening. | ||
| I don't want anyone to do that, because soon I will be tripping, and I want to know, oh, that's me tripping. | ||
| I want to trust that I'm losing my reality now, and not someone's fucking with me, and making me think. | ||
| When we made Psycho Patty think she was on something, she didn't think she was on anything. | ||
| We made her think she was tripping, or whatever it was. | ||
| We didn't fuck with her trip. | ||
| Okay, alright. | ||
| This is what I told you last time you said this. | ||
| When we did, what you were talking about where I was talking like this. | ||
| Alright, this is two people having fun out at a UFC and you did acid. | ||
| It's not me fucking with you when I go, are you feeling it? | ||
| It's me just joking around with you as a friend would do if we weren't even on acid. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm not sitting here going, I'm going to fucking ruin this trip. | |
| Brian, you are so attached to you haven't done anything wrong. | ||
| Do you understand how this is coming off? | ||
| And you're attached to that you think I did. | ||
| Bro, I'm not saying you did. | ||
| I have not said you did once. | ||
| But I'm saying you are so attached, you are so defending it. | ||
| You can't say, yeah, maybe I shouldn't have been saying that if it was annoying to you while you were trying to trip out on acid. | ||
| Maybe it was annoying. | ||
| I didn't mean to be. | ||
| But you're not listening to what happened. | ||
| I know what happened. | ||
| When Allison was under and you kept saying, oh, you had your boobs out. | ||
| You said it a few times. | ||
| Allison wasn't under. | ||
| You know that, right? | ||
| She never went under. | ||
| I know she didn't went under because she was sitting there talking to us the whole time. | ||
| Okay, so she faked it? | ||
| No. | ||
| When you're in Salvia, you either go under or you're feeling fucking crazy, right? | ||
| Ari went to a different world. | ||
| That's what Allison didn't do. | ||
| So wait a minute. | ||
| I don't get what you're defending. | ||
| So she was going fucking crazy and you're telling her her tits were out, so that's okay? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no. | |
| We're all sitting there talking to her back and forth. | ||
| She was making sense. | ||
| She was not out of her mind. | ||
| She later said she was still tripping out balls. | ||
| No. | ||
| You can talk good when you're fucked up on psychedelics and still be fucked up, though. | ||
| She knew where she was, is what I'm saying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She did not fall into a different world, and so did C. I was like, I'm going to barf. | |
| And everyone was like, no, you're not going to barf. | ||
| And I was like, to Tripoli, I was like, I wouldn't sit right there if I were you. | ||
| But I was freaking out. | ||
| I felt like I was going to barf and I was toppling over, but I was still... | ||
| And who was telling you you're not going to barf? | ||
| Who was telling you you're not going to go barf? | ||
| Who got you a trash can? | ||
| Who was doing all this stuff to you, but you still think I attacked you somehow when you did your salvia? | ||
| Yeah, and beforehand too. | ||
| I see you fucking with people. | ||
| It's okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You like to fuck with people. | |
| And then when we did acid one time, you thought I was fucking with you just because I was like, hey, are you feeling funny? | ||
| I had to fully tell you at some point. | ||
| You thought that was me fucking with you. | ||
| But I had to fully tell you at some point, like, Brian... | ||
| Why do you always think I'm fucking with you? | ||
| You like to do that. | ||
| That's your sense of humor. | ||
| Why is that in your head that you think I like to fuck with you? | ||
| Well, wait, wait, wait, Brian, Brian, Brian. | ||
| Do you not understand that maybe the way you play around, even though I know you're just playing around, it might not be fun for other people. | ||
| Yes, but what I'm saying is what he's talking about when he was doing acid, we were walking at a UFC... I've given you Ryan, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. | ||
| You are explaining the reason why you did things, and you are saying that you did it just as a friend, And you were completely discounting his experience with what you were doing, and that what you were doing was annoying to him. | ||
| You're saying that you were doing it all from a good place, a place of a friend, a place of playing around, so he shouldn't be upset. | ||
| But what he's saying is, your actions are directly making him feel like shit, and you're not coming to grips with that. | ||
| See what you're saying? | ||
| But your officer didn't hear what his response was. | ||
| Hey, I'm not tripping. | ||
| And I was like, no, we're just fucking around. | ||
| We're walking to the bathroom. | ||
| We're not sitting here making voices to Ari that's sitting there going, wow, I'm fucked up. | ||
| We're walking to the bathroom at a UFC. I understand, Brian. | ||
| I know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All I'm saying is what he said. | |
| Brian, you have a real hard time with other people not agreeing with you on something. | ||
| I get what he's saying. | ||
| I gave you a bunch of different examples of you fucking with people. | ||
| All right, what's another one? | ||
| Brian, you don't feel bad for your actions, man. | ||
| You don't feel bad for making someone annoyed. | ||
| Joe, you're making me feel bad about something that didn't exist. | ||
| We're walking to the bathroom, and he's not tripping. | ||
| I am not trying to make you feel bad about that. | ||
| I'm making you feel bad about defending it relentlessly. | ||
| The action itself was no big deal. | ||
| And I'm saying it's not a big deal. | ||
| It is a big deal to him. | ||
| He said that you annoyed him, you annoyed him, and then when he was tripping, you were annoying him more. | ||
| That's just a game, I get it, but I get it. | ||
| Alright, was that the only thing I did that night? | ||
| Yes, right? | ||
| Later in the night, I had to tell you, like, Brian... | ||
| Later in the night, what did I do? | ||
| Okay, later in the night, I had something where I tell you, Brian, seriously, I need your help right now. | ||
| I can't have you fucking with me. | ||
| I need you to be protective of me instead of fucking with me. | ||
| I know, but I wasn't doing anything when you said that. | ||
| You just said that when we were sitting there at the UFC. Do you remember that? | ||
| We're on our way out. | ||
| Yeah, we're towards the outside. | ||
| Yes, but I wasn't doing anything when you said that. | ||
| You were just telling me to not fuck with you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Because you were talking weird before. | ||
| No, I wasn't. | ||
| Okay, anyway, see Hong, when you put the spark spray in his face. | ||
| He wasn't. | ||
| Allison. | ||
| All right, I didn't. | ||
| But he was. | ||
| We found out later that he was. | ||
| Huh? | ||
| We found out later that every time you gave somebody three minutes, they were like still super bummed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Now, you couldn't have known. | |
| That's fine. | ||
| We all thought they were fine. | ||
| But you were fucking with them. | ||
| That's what you like to do. | ||
| You put that fart spray in people's faces. | ||
| Did I put it in his face or did he open it up? | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| You just shoved it right in his face. | ||
| There was no second layer to it at all. | ||
| Or did I open it up and see it? | ||
| You just opened it up and shoved it in his face. | ||
| He didn't even touch it. | ||
| There was no, like, smell that thing. | ||
| I don't remember that. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| It's all on there. | ||
| But with Ari, with that whole thing, that last time, when I was talking funny and stuff like that, that was not me fucking with you. | ||
| And I know you said that at the time, but that really upset me. | ||
| Because what we were doing, we were just walking to go to the bathroom, and we were conversating. | ||
| And I just said- No, we were sitting in our seats. | ||
| There was one time we were sitting in our seats, and you were like- No, it was we were walking to the bathroom, Ari. | ||
| I was like, Brian, stop it, please. | ||
| And you go, I'm not doing anything. | ||
| I'm like, Brian. | ||
| I go, all right, I'm just joking. | ||
| But it's like, it was kind of ruining my trip. | ||
| But Ari, you weren't tripping yet. | ||
| Remember? | ||
| I know, but you want to know what's... | ||
| You know, but I know. | ||
| If I saw you sitting there tripping and it wasn't just 10 minutes after you took acid, I wouldn't do that. | ||
| That's what I'm trying to tell you. | ||
| It wasn't me attacking you. | ||
| I understand that, but you did do it and it did annoy you. | ||
| And when you're losing your grasp on reality... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right? | |
| I will never talk in a weird voice anytime you do any kind of trope. | ||
| You're so defensive, man. | ||
| This is a bad conversation. | ||
| You're not being attacked right now. | ||
| You're acting silly. | ||
| No one's attacking you. | ||
| My point to the people out there was, I would not do mushrooms with someone who you might think would mess with you in any way. | ||
| Look, no one's saying that what you did do didn't come from a place of fun and friendship and that you weren't trying to fuck with him. | ||
| But if someone does not want you to do that while you're doing it and you do it and it bothers them and it freaks them out, whatever you did to him, I saw you grabbing him, I saw the video when he was fucked up and you were holding on to him and talking to him and I saw you pull out the fleshlight and I know you were just joking around but can you not see that even though you're doing this as a friend and just playing around for the video... | ||
| For him, while he's tripping out, that might not be comfortable. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| You saw the video and you're still thinking I did something wrong in that video. | ||
| Dude, what is wrong with you? | ||
| I'm not saying you did something wrong. | ||
| I'm saying you were playing around and he might not have enjoyed it. | ||
| Is that okay? | ||
| Is that okay that you do things and other people don't enjoy them? | ||
| Can they not enjoy some things you do? | ||
| You do like to disagree with people. | ||
| I remember somebody telling me once, you're like, you have a lot of... | ||
| In the video, I was the one telling everyone to shut up for saying, don't talk about death. | ||
| You were still fucking with him. | ||
| It didn't discount all the other shit you did. | ||
| In the video, Ari tried to stand up, and I was the one that jumped to the ground to try to hold him so he wouldn't hurt himself. | ||
| That's absolutely great, and thank you for that. | ||
| And then you started swinging and flailing and kicking, and instead, while everyone was just watching, I was trying to protect your legs and hands from not punching windows and breaking things all around you. | ||
| Was that not right? | ||
| I was in this place where I was coming back from another world, The laws of physics do not apply to me. | ||
| And I thought I was in grave danger, and here's this trickster who's grabbing me who doesn't understand because he's not been in my world. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I'm not saying what you thought. | ||
| I'm saying is that Joe's saying that I did all this stuff to you, but I'm the one that— I didn't say you did anything wrong. | ||
| You're not even listening to what I said. | ||
| I didn't see you do anything wrong. | ||
| I said what you did, you did out of a place of friendship and playing around and doing it for a video show, and you didn't do anything wrong. | ||
| But sometimes things that you do that are not wrong still annoy people. | ||
| And as a general courtesy, you don't do those things because other people don't like you to do them to them. | ||
| It's that simple. | ||
| It's not that you did anything wrong. | ||
| It's just some people don't like you doing some shit while they're in another fucking dimension. | ||
| To me, those jokes, it's like, the obvious joke is like, what's wrong? | ||
| It's like, I get it. | ||
| Best case scenario, you get a smile. | ||
| Worst case scenario, you've ruined this trip. | ||
| Which is not the most egregious crime in the world. | ||
| So now you're saying I've ruined your trip? | ||
| You'll take the chance to. | ||
| That trip was ruined because of you. | ||
| Because of my lack of trust with you. | ||
| The Salvia trip. | ||
| Yeah, but not a big deal. | ||
| But, oh, anyone else that too? | ||
| Still had a great time. | ||
| Don't make it... | ||
| What you saw there was not a bad time. | ||
| So your bad trip was all my fault. | ||
| Just the last part. | ||
| I was trying to get you specifically, Brian Redman, off of me because you were going to play a trick on me and put me into a really dangerous position that you weren't aware of. | ||
| This is me having almost no grasp on reality. | ||
| It's the... | ||
| Well, you look, obviously it's very unfortunate. | ||
| But in that state, it was like, I don't want the trickster fucking with me right now. | ||
| It's very unfortunate that you had these feelings. | ||
| It's very unfortunate that Brian feels attacked here. | ||
| But I think that, first of all, the idea of doing this fucking crazy psychedelic drug on a podcast... | ||
| With a bunch of comedians, it's ridiculous. | ||
| You can't get upset at Brian because here you are on a fucking... | ||
| The idea of what you're doing is silly beyond belief. | ||
| And guess who didn't do it? | ||
| Because I wouldn't do that. | ||
| I wouldn't put myself in that situation. | ||
| Okay, but what I'm saying... | ||
| You keep thinking that I'm attacking you. | ||
| I don't think you did anything wrong. | ||
| I watched what you did. | ||
| I don't think you did anything wrong. | ||
| But you have to accept the fact that even though you didn't do anything wrong, you shouldn't do it if it freaks somebody out. | ||
| If it's fucking with someone's head, and you know they're telling you to get the fuck off them, maybe you should get the fuck off them. | ||
| You gotta leave them alone. | ||
| I know you weren't doing it. | ||
| The idea was ridiculous. | ||
| You should have never done it. | ||
| But why not, right? | ||
| But I'm saying it's not the perfect way to do Salvia. | ||
| And you're going to get upset at some shit because Salvia is such a mind-blowing, incredible, reality-dissolving experience. | ||
| And if people are fucking with you and joking around with you and there's a camera on you and the fucking internet world is watching, it's going to suck anyway, man. | ||
| It's going to be fucked up. | ||
| I don't mind the internet world watching. | ||
| And I don't mind. | ||
| And I still was. | ||
| Seriously, what you saw, if you see that video, that was a great trip. | ||
| I had a really good time. | ||
| When I was in the other place, I was there for months and years. | ||
| We're going to take you and we're going to put you in my fucking cage out in the garage where you can't hurt yourself. | ||
| And then we're going to salve you the fuck up and push you in that thing and lock it down and then we're going to videotape you. | ||
| So you can flail around and just run into heavy bags. | ||
| And I'll be handcuffed underwater in Joe's pool. | ||
| Yeah, he'll be doing a David Blaine... | ||
| With one of those Chinese surgical masks on. | ||
| It just bugs me, Ari, because I really didn't fuck with you. | ||
| And I didn't fuck with you. | ||
| You were fucking with everybody. | ||
| That last thing, the UFC, I purposely did not fuck on you because I thought you were crazy. | ||
| I think you were fucking with people, but I think you were doing it for the right reasons. | ||
| You were doing it to be funny, to be a funny show going on. | ||
| Making those jokes of you not talking right. | ||
| Just making those jokes is like... | ||
| That joke comes from a place of, wouldn't this be funny if I'm messing with you? | ||
| And Sihang and Allison, I can't speak for them, but I bet you asked them both of them if I fucked with them or were in their trip in any way, they would say absolutely not. | ||
| Okay, if Sihang doesn't remember you shoving that thing in his face, that's fine. | ||
| But I saw you shove a fart spray thing in somebody's face while they were out, and I'm like, oh, that might happen to me when I'm out if this guy who likes doing that is around. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's all well and good. | ||
| I can't say it clearer than that. | ||
| It's like you put me in positions and not trust. | ||
| Brian, you didn't do anything wrong. | ||
| You're doing a lot of this stuff for a sense of entertainment for a television show. | ||
| Please do not fuck with people's trips out there. | ||
| Let them have their trips. | ||
| Yes, but if you're going to have a fucking trip on a comedy podcast with a bunch of comedians and they're all laughing and giggling, guess what? | ||
| It's going to be wonky. | ||
| It's going to go nutty. | ||
| And I don't think you can blame the comedians for fucking with you. | ||
| And especially when an ongoing gag is our fleshlight wine and cheese prank. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| That said, Brian, you fucking lock up and you feel like you're attacked. | ||
| That doesn't make people's brains say okay. | ||
| You lock up and you don't ever consider the possibility that maybe you could have done something to annoy him. | ||
| I will tell you this. | ||
| It doesn't have to be logical if you annoy somebody. | ||
| Sometimes you just annoy somebody you don't mean to. | ||
| There was a time at Sal's once where somebody, some girl, it might have been somebody, she was like, oh, you've got a lot of layers on it. | ||
| You're like, I don't have any layers, there's like three layers. | ||
| And I'm like, Brian, It's not a bad thing if you have layers on. | ||
| And you're like, oh, yeah, okay. | ||
| Yeah, a few. | ||
| But it was like, no one's attacking you. | ||
| You don't have to, like, deny instantly. | ||
| Look, I like to wear layers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And this layer right here, feel how thin this is. | |
| Feel how this is not considered a layer. | ||
| I'm getting you checked for ovaries tonight, boy. | ||
| I'm calling in the witch doctor. | ||
| Actually, I had a question for you because I stopped doing sway milk recently because of all the estrogen and stuff like that. | ||
| Good move. | ||
| Start feeling like a man again? | ||
| Almond milk have the same problems. | ||
| No, I drink that every day. | ||
| Goat milk. | ||
| That's how I make that. | ||
| Goat milk's real good. | ||
| It's easy to adjust. | ||
| It's very easy to adjust. | ||
| It's really good for babies. | ||
| Babies love it. | ||
| The almond milk is delicious. | ||
| I use that for my shakes every day. | ||
| But don't get the shit that's flavored because it's just sugar milk. | ||
| You get like a vanilla. | ||
| There's nothing healthy about that. | ||
| You can make your own almond milk. | ||
| I know some dudes who make their own shit. | ||
| It's supposed to be much more delicious, but it's a huge fucking pain in the ass. | ||
| Is soy milk good for you? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It's not bad for you, but you can get... | ||
| Soy is a tricky thing, man. | ||
| And especially if you follow genetically modified food. | ||
| And soy, a lot of times, is genetically modified. | ||
| Brian, I wasn't trying to attack you. | ||
| The only reason it even came up... | ||
| The subject just changed. | ||
| That one thing, that one time when you said I was trying to moot voices, I knew I wasn't fucking with you because I knew you weren't tripping it. | ||
| That was me just going, hey, you're about to do acid. | ||
| Are you excited? | ||
| That's all good, Brian. | ||
| It doesn't help anybody when they're tripping. | ||
| It's all good, Brian. | ||
| But I didn't mean to attack you at all. | ||
| The correct answer sometimes is, sorry, I was fucking around. | ||
| I thought it was funny at the time. | ||
| Instead of defending to the death what you've said. | ||
| My only thought was, if I want to do, you're a great guy. | ||
| But under these circumstances, it's not perfect. | ||
| I just love that Sam and everyone else was like, oh, he looks dead. | ||
| And they're saying all these horrible things. | ||
| And I was the one guy that told him to stop. | ||
| Does it really matter what other people did? | ||
| Does it really matter if there's something that you did that annoys him? | ||
| If there's something that you did that annoys him, you have to take responsibility for that. | ||
| I'm not saying you did anything wrong, man. | ||
| We've discussed this to death. | ||
| RSS feeds. | ||
| Brian Reichel! | ||
| Perhaps will be joining us in Vegas. | ||
| I'm going to throw him on stage, this motherfucker. | ||
| He needs to go up there. | ||
| At that huge place? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Ari Shavir's going to be there July 1st. | ||
| July 1st. | ||
| I believe Benson's going to stop in and do a guest set, too. | ||
| Oh, nice. | ||
| So July 1st, that's in Vegas. | ||
| June 25th, I'm with Coco Canary, Joey Diaz, the Captain Razor... | ||
| What does he put on his dick? | ||
| Drano on the dick? | ||
| Drano. | ||
| Ajax. | ||
| Ajax on his cock. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Drano. | |
| Drano dick. | ||
| Anyway, Carnegie Music Hall, Saturday, June 25th. | ||
| And that's in Pittsburgh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| No, it's not the New York one. | ||
| It's Big Dale. | ||
| That's such a humongous difference. | ||
| I was like, I didn't hear about it. | ||
| You're playing Carnegie Hall? | ||
| I know. | ||
| How many people fit in Carnegie Music Hall in New York? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I can't fill that thing. | ||
| But I think, didn't fucking Charlie Sheen fill that thing? | ||
| I need a scandal. | ||
| I don't want it. | ||
| Anyway, Carnegie Music Hall in Philadelphia, which is the day before the UFC. And then there's another one, like I said, July 1st. | ||
| It'll be me and Ari and Joey Diaz and most likely Doug Benson. | ||
| That place was great. | ||
| That place is the best place we've played in Vegas. | ||
| Yeah, we got it down. | ||
| Over all the years, that was the best place. | ||
| We did a lot of gigs at House of Blues. | ||
| And House of Blues, the people that work there are really cool as fuck, but the venue is too wonky. | ||
| And Quartz Palmsroom was fine. | ||
| It's okay. | ||
| But that place was the best. | ||
| That Mandalay Bay Theater is fucking perfect. | ||
| It's like 1,800 or so people. | ||
| And it's fucking packed in there. | ||
| And we did it a few months ago and we're going to do it again. | ||
| Perfectly a way to sit a theater show for a comedy. | ||
| So listen, I think we went through a little bit of a hissy fit today. | ||
| Had a little bit of a cat fight. | ||
| Well, you guys can all watch it, too. | ||
| It's Naughty Show number 23 on Death Squad. | ||
| We're not. | ||
| Naughty Show number 23. Yeah, thanks for helping us out here, Joe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Death Squad. | |
| Subscribe to Death Squad. | ||
| Yeah, so Ari's podcast is The Skeptic Tank. | ||
| It's on the Death Squad. | ||
| Yeah, and there's a bunch of other ones that are really good there. | ||
| The Naughty Show and Tom and his wife have your mom's house. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So check that out. | ||
| It's Death Squad on iTunes. | ||
| And we'll be back again tomorrow. | ||
| Same bat time, same bat channel with Duncan motherfucking Trussell. | ||
| It's a full Death Squad week. | ||
| I'll be in San Diego this weekend. | ||
| Are you guys going to kiss and make up? | ||
| I'm out of Brian Long. | ||
| That's why I never even brought it up to him. | ||
| Are you in La Jolla? | ||
| I'm in La Jolla this week. | ||
| Comedy store in La Jolla, Friday and Saturday night. | ||
| Who are you with? | ||
| Me and Steve Simone are going down there, and Jason Lucas. | ||
| Nice, nice. | ||
| Excellent combination. | ||
| And that comedy store, if you've never been there, a comedy store in La Jolla is the shit. | ||
| But jump on it, bitches, because it's going to sell out quick. | ||
| That place is packed all the time. | ||
| All right, that's it. | ||
| We'll see you guys tomorrow with Duncan. | ||
| Oh, Fleshlight. | ||
| And thanks to the Fleshlight, if you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link for the Fleshlight in the corner and enter in the code name ROGAN, You will get 15% off the number one sex toy for men. | ||
| Shoot your loads at a discount. | ||
| Do you want one of those? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Are you sure? | ||
| You're scared. | ||
| Yeah, and you'll use it every day until you bleed to death. | ||
| It's the cleaning. | ||
| I don't think that's a good idea to have around my place. | ||
| It's easy. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Good night. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bye. | |
| I love you guys. |
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