The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #94 - Joey Diaz (Part 1)
Aired: 2011-03-31
Duration: 06:49


=== What If Earth Became a Balloon? (06:06) ===

[00:00:00]  Just give me like a...
[00:00:07]  Right now?
[00:00:07]  We're on Ustream right now?
[00:00:08]  Oh my god.
[00:00:10]  We're live.
[00:00:11]  Ladies and gentlemen, the Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by The Fleshlight.
[00:00:15]  If you go to JoeRogan.net, click on the link that says Fleshlight, enter in the code name ROGAN, you get 15% off.
[00:00:22]  Alright, and with that said, buckle up bitches.
[00:00:25]  Here we go.
[00:00:26]  Joe Diaz is in the motherfucking house.
[00:00:28]  Hell yeah!
[00:00:57]  A lot of people have been saying, you know, this song is just not befitting of such a fucking dynamic podcast.
[00:01:03]  Why you got some fucking fruity-tooty tunes playing there?
[00:01:06]  Why don't you got some...
[00:01:07]  Because we don't want...
[00:01:08]  First of all, we don't want the song to overshadow the show.
[00:01:11]  What if the song is better than the show?
[00:01:12]  And you're like, why don't you fuck stop talking and play some more of that groovy music you were just hitting me with?
[00:01:19]  Joe Diaz is in the motherfucking house, bitches.
[00:01:22]  What's up, baby?
[00:01:23]  That's all you need to know.
[00:01:24]  Forget about that goddamn opening music.
[00:01:27]  Don't be trippin'.
[00:01:28]  Shit.
[00:01:28]  Don't be trippin', people.
[00:01:31]  Don't get your shit together, kids.
[00:01:33]  The best is when somebody complains about that song and then they send you their, like, keyboard...
[00:01:37]  Oh...
[00:01:38]  They're songs of death.
[00:01:40]  And they'll send it to you a thousand times.
[00:01:42]  Just like Casey, you didn't get it the first 50,000 times when I sent it.
[00:01:45]  This is a new one.
[00:01:46]  I've put some echo to the drums.
[00:01:48]  It's a little bit different now.
[00:01:49]  That's great.
[00:01:53]  I'm ready to leave, Joe Diaz.
[00:01:54]  If this fucking earthquake comes, I'm gone, baby.
[00:01:57]  Back to the mountains with the full posse.
[00:02:00]  Load them up in the Lexus, leave everything behind, Hollabert.
[00:02:04]  What locations could still get hit in this country?
[00:02:06]  You got San Francisco, Oregon, California, Nashville.
[00:02:10]  What other points is the fault on that we...
[00:02:12]  Well, there's other faults.
[00:02:13]  There's a fault near New York.
[00:02:14]  Right, there's a fault near New York.
[00:02:16]  Yeah, there's a bunch of faults, man.
[00:02:18]  It's like, here's the deal, honestly.
[00:02:19]  We know what moves on a regular basis, but that doesn't preclude things from moving on a unique basis.
[00:02:26]  There could be some fucking new shit that happens anyway.
[00:02:29]  We don't have this shit wired.
[00:02:30]  We don't know what the hell's going on.
[00:02:32]  There's some recent study where these scientists are going to drill into the Earth's mantle all the way through to the fucking core.
[00:02:38]  They're trying to figure out how to do it.
[00:02:40]  They're like little kids.
[00:02:42]  It's like, well, we know we can't use a regular drill because it'll melt.
[00:02:45]  So they're trying to figure out how the fuck they're going to get a drill that drills all the way down to the mantle.
[00:02:49]  And you ask them, why?
[00:02:50]  What are you doing?
[00:02:51]  Is there leprechauns down there?
[00:02:53]  They're going to give you gold?
[00:02:54]  What's going on?
[00:02:54]  Is there aliens down there that are going to suck your dick?
[00:02:56]  What are you doing?
[00:02:57]  Why are you drilling down to the mantle?
[00:02:59]  Because people are silly fucks.
[00:03:00]  And we just want to see what's up.
[00:03:02]  We just want to see what's up.
[00:03:03]  We want to try.
[00:03:04]  Sometimes you've got to dig a hole to find something.
[00:03:06]  Yeah, but what the fuck, man?
[00:03:07]  What if they dig a hole through the Earth's mantle and the Earth becomes like a fucking balloon with a hole in it and just goes flying around the galaxy?
[00:03:14]  What if lava shoots out of it like a balloon?
[00:03:17]  You know how you blow up a balloon and you let it go?
[00:03:20]  How about that?
[00:03:21]  What if the Earth becomes like that?
[00:03:22]  Like a balloon that doesn't, is not tied off at the end.
[00:03:26]  And the Earth flies around the galaxy all fucking haphazardly like a balloon.
[00:03:30]  What if we find out the Earth is really made out of rubber?
[00:03:34]  This whole mantle and all this other bullshit, this is just outside the balloon.
[00:03:38]  This is like the decoration on the balloon.
[00:03:39]  But if you pop that motherfucker, it will just fly around.
[00:03:44]  Yeah, we slam into Jupiter and shit.
[00:03:46]  We slam into other planets.
[00:03:48]  That's just the most fucked up thing about space is that occasionally planets hit each other.
[00:03:53]  Goddamn, son.
[00:03:54]  Could you imagine what kind of chaos there would be in this world if we saw a planet coming our way?
[00:04:00]  If you saw Mars.
[00:04:02]  Like, for sure, Mars is coming.
[00:04:04]  It might take five years, but it's going to hit the Earth and we're fucked and there's not a goddamn thing we can do to stop it.
[00:04:09]  There it is.
[00:04:10]  You see it in the sky.
[00:04:11]  It gets a little bigger every night.
[00:04:12]  By the time it got real close, people would be losing their fucking minds.
[00:04:17]  It'd be a party.
[00:04:18]  It'd be fucking great.
[00:04:19]  It wouldn't be a party.
[00:04:20]  You know what it'd be like?
[00:04:21]  Oh, like Road Warrior with knives and stabbing people.
[00:04:23]  It would be like that scene in Event Horizon.
[00:04:26]  You remember that movie Event Horizon with Lawrence Fishburne?
[00:04:29]  You don't remember that?
[00:04:30]  Badass fucking science fiction movie.
[00:04:32]  Sam Shepard, and I think it's Sam Shepard, and Lawrence Fishburne, and it's about a spaceship that punches a hole through a wormhole.
[00:04:40]  They travel to a distant part in the galaxy by folding the space and time together like two pieces of paper, punching a hole through it and arriving on the other end.
[00:04:50]  But when they did that, they didn't realize that they actually went to hell.
[00:04:55]  So these guys get to this Event Horizon ship.
[00:04:58]  It comes back.
[00:04:59]  Everyone's dead.
[00:05:00]  And they get a video of the crew and the captain and everything.
[00:05:04]  They find out later in the movie what happened to them.
[00:05:07]  And they're pulling their own eyeballs out and screaming shit and laughing and killing each other and biting each other apart and cutting each other open.
[00:05:14]  That's what it's going to look like.
[00:05:15]  It's not going to be like, everyone's like, we're going to be fucking.
[00:05:17]  You're not going to be fucking, okay?
[00:05:19]  When there's Mars, it's like a hundred times bigger than the moon.
[00:05:23]  Would you kill yourself?
[00:05:24]  Maybe a thousand times.
[00:05:25]  I don't know what the fuck I would do.
[00:05:26]  I think I would fucking kill myself.
[00:05:27]  I would kill yourself.
[00:05:29]  I just close my fucking eyes and wish for the best.
[00:05:31]  I'm not tapping out that fucking easy.
[00:05:33]  Can you pull up that song, Dreamweaver?
[00:05:35]  Can you pull up that song right now?
[00:05:37]  You're not pulling that song up.
[00:05:39]  It's too early for that shit.
[00:05:40]  We gotta establish the show first.
[00:05:42]  You're gonna hit it with this game music and shit.
[00:05:44]  No, I wanna hear what you would do.
[00:05:46]  I wanna hear what you would do over that song.
[00:05:48]  No, I don't wanna do nothing.
[00:05:49]  First of all, that shit wouldn't happen in our time.

=== Fucked-Up Gridlock (00:57) ===

[00:05:51]  We got no fucking problems.
[00:05:55]  I just go home, stock up on some fucking herb, get some good books, and wait for the shit to drop.
[00:06:01]  What are you going to do?
[00:06:02]  You're going to get on the 405 with these fucking idiots?
[00:06:05]  What are you going to do, get on the 110?
[00:06:06]  Guys with helicopters will just be pissing in your head out of their helicopter laughing at you where you're stuck in this stupid grid.
[00:06:13]  There won't be no fucking helicopters.
[00:06:14]  There's haters in this fucking city.
[00:06:16]  They'll be shooting you down.
[00:06:19]  We're going, we're going, we're going.
[00:06:22]  It's going to be fucking chaos.
[00:06:24]  Yeah, you know, it's interesting.
[00:06:25]  People didn't really learn about human behavior from the Rodney King riots.
[00:06:29]  But that's what it should have taught you.
[00:06:30]  This is what's possible with something so simple as a verdict for someone who you don't even know, who you saw get beat up, and they let the cops go.
[00:06:39]  And these motherfuckers were going crazy, throwing rocks at white people, smashing their fucking...
[00:06:45]  And yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
[00:06:47]  It was a racially charged issue.