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unidentified
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*crickets* *crickets* | ||
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Let's go. | ||
Ladies and gentlemen, brothers and sisters, lovers and children, Dana D. Armand is in the house. | ||
Give it up for Dana. | ||
Dana and I are e-pals. | ||
We tweet each other back and forth, but this is our first time actually meeting each other in real life. | ||
unidentified
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Cool. | |
You're very funny. | ||
You say some funny shit on Twitter. | ||
unidentified
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Thank you. | |
And you said you had a really funny thing where you broke down this Jennifer Aniston fucking, what's his name? | ||
Adam Sandler movie. | ||
It was really funny. | ||
Just go with it. | ||
If you haven't seen it, you can get it on YouTube. | ||
It's on YouTube. | ||
What does it say? | ||
Just don't go with it? | ||
Just don't go with it. | ||
It's youtube.com. | ||
It's really funny and really like you broke it down like a comic would break it down. | ||
Like how ridiculous it is. | ||
First of all, I thought it was hilarious that you said that Jennifer Aniston was the human equivalent to oatmeal. | ||
Oatmeal. | ||
She's so bland and like... | ||
But that's perfect. | ||
That is absolutely perfect. | ||
It's like she's nutritious enough, but she's not really exciting. | ||
I would have said like a grilled cheese sandwich. | ||
I would have called her a grilled cheese sandwich. | ||
But there's a grilled cheese sandwich truck. | ||
You don't see an oatmeal truck anywhere. | ||
Right. | ||
No lines. | ||
Nobody lining up for a hearty bull oats. | ||
I would give her more credit than oatmeal is what I'm saying. | ||
I think you're being a little unfair. | ||
I would give her a little more than oatmeal. | ||
But I know what you're saying. | ||
unidentified
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Meh. | |
I got no love for Jennifer Aniston. | ||
She's just a chick trying to get some money doing her acting thing. | ||
And now she's got a viral Smartwater video and she's trying to be with all the YouTubers and make a viral video to advertise Smartwater. | ||
She ain't hurting anybody. | ||
It's easy to get caught up in hating someone for no reason. | ||
I gotta hate somebody. | ||
Why her? | ||
Go after Gaddafi. | ||
Gaddafi's gonna leave. | ||
Or Kardashian. | ||
Go after Kardashian. | ||
How do you feel about that? | ||
But then, you know, it's also, if you live in a glass house, don't throw rocks. | ||
Right. | ||
Dude, live your own fucking life. | ||
Who gives a shit? | ||
Don't worry about it. | ||
But you're right. | ||
Her stuff, what she's doing, it's all like, God damn, bitch. | ||
Don't you have enough money? | ||
Don't you want to do something interesting now? | ||
Everything you fucking do is like the same goddamn stupid story. | ||
You know, there's romance. | ||
They're the worst date movies ever. | ||
Because if you're going on this date, if you're a guy, you're already giving in to the fact that you're doing whatever you can to fuck. | ||
You're going to pretend to be someone you're not. | ||
I would never ask a chick to go see some crazy fucking stupid werewolf movie if they weren't into it. | ||
You know what I mean? | ||
I would never. | ||
But women can ask a guy to go see some wonky ass date night bullshit. | ||
I'd never. | ||
Jennifer Aniston. | ||
God forbid. | ||
Sandra Bullock movies. | ||
Those motherfuckers. | ||
I love Sandy. | ||
Do you love Sandy? | ||
Poor little Sandy. | ||
You love Santa because of what happened to her? | ||
Because we kind of look alike. | ||
Yeah, I was just going to say. | ||
That's exactly why, right? | ||
I was going to bitch about No Strings Attached, too, because Natalie Portman, you have an Oscar, but still making bullshit like No Strings Attached. | ||
Poor me. | ||
I'm the most attractive person ever. | ||
unidentified
|
Me and Ashton Kutcher are going to have No Strings Attached friend sex. | |
Boo-hoo. | ||
They can fuck anybody, anywhere, any day of the week, a new person every single day, and they're going to make a fucking hacky ass. | ||
Oh, we're just going to be friends and have sex and it won't get complicated. | ||
I wonder what's going to happen. | ||
Do they fall in love? | ||
What if they didn't? | ||
If you're that girl, you have to understand what happens. | ||
She's sitting around. | ||
Her agent calls them. | ||
This is what we have for you. | ||
It's a big movie. | ||
It's blah, blah, blah. | ||
Everyone's all hyped on it. | ||
And next thing you know... | ||
Like, I've read for shit that I really, I'm happy I never got. | ||
You just get talked into going in on these things. | ||
Next thing you know, you're in an office. | ||
Next thing you know, you're signing papers. | ||
Next thing you know, you're on a movie set and you're doing this fucking terrible movie. | ||
You know, boo-hoo, cry for you. | ||
You know, no big deal. | ||
But I'm just saying, they're just out there doing their shit. | ||
She looks fantastic pregnant. | ||
They should do that movie, though, where it's sold like that, where you know exactly what's going to happen. | ||
They're going to fall in love and cheat, but then it's actually like he murders her and wears his body. | ||
I love it. | ||
He turns out to be an alien and he only wants her eggs. | ||
I love it. | ||
That would be a good idea for a movie. | ||
Yeah, just flip it. | ||
I saw, what was it called? | ||
Bureau, what the fuck's it called? | ||
Adjustment Bureau. | ||
I'm so behind in movies right now. | ||
I don't even know what this is. | ||
It's pretty goddamn decent. | ||
It's based on a Philip K. Dick novel, so it was really weird. | ||
It was really trippy. | ||
Like, really surprising. | ||
I thought it was just going to be a typical dumb movie. | ||
And there's a lot of dumb elements, but you kind of have to have some dumb shit in a lot of movies just to wrap up a complicated premise inside of two hours. | ||
You know, you've got to have some... | ||
unidentified
|
So people are like, hey, what about that one? | |
It's also like, what is his motivation? | ||
Well, he's ridiculously in love with her. | ||
Why is this going on? | ||
Really? | ||
They just met. | ||
What? | ||
I mean, come on. | ||
Really? | ||
I mean, you're dwelling on this shit three years later because it's meant to be and it's all written down somewhere. | ||
It was fascinating how they went about it. | ||
I still rack my brain over Back to the Future, and that's from 1985. I'm like, still things bother me about it so much. | ||
I remember almost nothing. | ||
Like the rape part. | ||
There was a rape in Back to the Future? | ||
Yeah, Biff tries to rape Lorraine. | ||
unidentified
|
Really? | |
That's right. | ||
In the alternate future, they just still have him wash his car and stuff. | ||
You know what's weird? | ||
That time you tried to rape me on prom night. | ||
Like, it bothers me so much. | ||
unidentified
|
Really? | |
I never even thought about that, but yes. | ||
But then again, I do take a lot of medicine. | ||
Make me kind of hone in on that kind of stuff. | ||
What about the rapes? | ||
I don't remember anything about that movie. | ||
You know, I'm finding as I get older, like, I've definitely used up hard drive space and deleted a lot of files. | ||
Because I can watch movies now, and it's like I never watched them before. | ||
I watched A Simple Mind the other day. | ||
The Russell Crowe movie about that genius mathematician. | ||
A Beautiful Mind. | ||
Beautiful Mind. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
A Simple Mind. | ||
Beautiful Mind. | ||
And it was... | ||
Fucking great! | ||
I had no idea what was going to happen. | ||
I literally didn't remember the movie, but I know I've seen it. | ||
I'm out of space. | ||
I got no space, man. | ||
That's like that social network. | ||
That's what's going to happen with that movie to me in like 10 years. | ||
It was a great movie, but that's not a movie you'll remember. | ||
I didn't even see it. | ||
There's so many movies, man. | ||
If you really stop, you know, it's like, and I was going to ask you this because you do porn. | ||
Like, why the fuck are they still making porn movies? | ||
There's no way you could have seen them all! | ||
There's no way you need a new one. | ||
If you're really just beating off... | ||
There's no way. | ||
Unless you're fixating on very specific actresses, which a lot of guys do. | ||
But if you're not, if you're just beating off, Jesus Christ, who's seen them all? | ||
That's one thing I've noticed, though. | ||
It is the characters. | ||
It is you like a certain actress and you start wanting to see it. | ||
Like, before, porn was always, to me, porn was jacking off. | ||
But then I never really got into characters since, like, Twitter, where now I'm following people on Twitter and stuff like that. | ||
Now I'm starting to get them, though, I want to see a movie with that person in it. | ||
So I see that now, that Twitter's helping it out a little bit. | ||
Yeah, that's definitely what's become. | ||
I mean, it's become that with comics as well. | ||
You know, it's like people reaching out, and you develop your fan base, and then you all communicate with each other, and then I guess when some dude's whacking off to you, it's much more personal, or more fun. | ||
They kind of feel like they own you a little bit. | ||
It's a little bit disconcerting. | ||
Do people get douchey with you because of that? | ||
Like, I'm a fan, like, I demand this? | ||
Well, I mean, even, like, today coming here, people are like, is Joe Rogan gonna fuck you? | ||
And I'm like, I'm a person! | ||
Like, you know, like... | ||
You have your thing. | ||
Isn't that weird though? | ||
You know, it's just like, this isn't a movie, this is real life and you have your real life and outside of comedy and your podcast and MMA stuff and TV and movies, you have your own personal life. | ||
Right. | ||
Me, outside of my Twitter feed, my bathtub thing. | ||
What's your bathtub thing? | ||
I just spend like five hours a day in the bathtub. | ||
Right. | ||
You just sit around the bathtub? | ||
Can you not get clean enough? | ||
Are you one of those? | ||
No. | ||
I've done so much porn. | ||
I'm constantly just never, ever clean. | ||
Do you do it on like a webcam or something? | ||
No, I just like, you know, I'm like in the bath. | ||
Do you just like to be in the tub? | ||
Or in the bath. | ||
You should do it on webcam. | ||
Is there a psychological thing there or you just like to do it? | ||
No, just comfortable. | ||
Just feels good to be in the tub? | ||
It's all warm and wet. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I'm not wearing clothes. | ||
And it keeps me from eating. | ||
Because taking food in the bathtub is gross. | ||
Cat in the Hat did it. | ||
You should get an isolation tank then. | ||
That's part of the Cat in the Hat. | ||
Oh, that would be awesome. | ||
When the Cat in the Hat comes back, that's where he starts trouble. | ||
He eats cake in a tub. | ||
See? | ||
That's where it's all downhill from there. | ||
That motherfucker. | ||
And he gets those little kids in trouble. | ||
Almost. | ||
And then he pulls it out with magic at the very end. | ||
So yeah, most people don't eat in the bathtub. | ||
Well, you're up to date with your cat in a hat. | ||
That's awesome. | ||
Cat in a hat is the shit, son. | ||
I love this. | ||
I have a two and a half year old. | ||
I know, it's awesome. | ||
She loves the cat in a hat. | ||
And I love reading it. | ||
I get all enthusiastic about it. | ||
It's fucking great writing. | ||
The cat in a hat, especially the cat in a hat comes back. | ||
That one's the shit. | ||
Dude, have you gotten into some Shel Silverstein yet? | ||
No, man. | ||
Where the sidewalk ends. | ||
Get that. | ||
You'll fucking love it and it'll be great. | ||
You will read that shit and you, as a kid, that's some of that shit. | ||
My man, the cat in the hat seems awful psychedelic. | ||
Michelle Silverstein is. | ||
He's got magic. | ||
The cat in the hat's got a crazy hat and magic. | ||
unidentified
|
Magic. | |
Fuck Michelle Silverstein. | ||
I'm not interested. | ||
unidentified
|
Michelle Silverstein. | |
Whatever the fuck you're talking about. | ||
unidentified
|
Michelle Silverstein. | |
I'm not interested, man. | ||
You're talking nonsense. | ||
I'm telling you about something awesome, and you're telling me about something else, and I have no idea what it is. | ||
It's very similar. | ||
Let's talk about what's awesome. | ||
I don't want to hear about this shit or bullshit. | ||
You will think it's awesome. | ||
The cat in the hat is the shit, son! | ||
He's a cat with a magic fucking hat. | ||
He pulls his cat off, and there's little cat A. Little cat A pulls his hat off, and there's little cat B. Little cat C, and he gets all the way down to little cat Z, and little cat Z has Voom. | ||
And you don't know what the fuck Voom is, but Voom fixes everything. | ||
And when it gets down to Little Cat Z, the fucking shit hits the fan when the cat fucks everything up. | ||
He gets the tub dirty. | ||
He gets pink shit out in the snow and on the $10 shoes and on mom's dress. | ||
And everything is a fucking disaster. | ||
And he keeps pulling out little hats so other cats can help him. | ||
And they just fuck shit up worse and worse until he gets to Little Cat Z. And Little Cat Z's got the reset switch. | ||
He pulls out Vroom. | ||
And Vroom just... | ||
No matter what. | ||
Little Cat Z is so small you can't even fucking see him. | ||
He's not visible to the naked eye. | ||
Okay? | ||
So they're going macrocosm on your ass, man. | ||
They're going quantum physics. | ||
Alright? | ||
That's how badass Cat in the Head is. | ||
So fuck your stupid... | ||
What was her name again? | ||
It's a man. | ||
It's Shel Silverstein. | ||
Shel Silverstein can suck the Cat in the Head's cock. | ||
How about that? | ||
That's what I got to say. | ||
The cat in the ass is a shit, son! | ||
I need to have some kids, because I haven't read this shit in a while. | ||
I need to read some stuff. | ||
When you don't have kids, the idea of reading kids' cat in the ass stories sounds like fucking painful punishment. | ||
I've been in the position where I didn't have kids, where I looked at people who had kids like, oh, you trap fuck. | ||
Like, oh my god. | ||
Oh, you're doomed. | ||
You're stuck to that trip forever. | ||
That's how I'm looking at you right now. | ||
There's no way not to. | ||
There's no way not to. | ||
It's normal. | ||
If you don't have kids, that's how it's supposed to be set up until you have them of your own. | ||
You're supposed to complete your mission in life. | ||
Your motivation and your goals are to be as unentangled as possible. | ||
So when you see entanglements in other people's lives, you recognize them as disgusting things you never want to see in yourself. | ||
That's why you see if someone's acting like an asshole or someone's acting selfish or jealous, those feelings that you get from seeing them are like, It's so gross. | ||
That's a message to you. | ||
You're supposed to learn from this. | ||
You're supposed to never, ever be what that person is. | ||
They're there for you. | ||
When you see people with kids, if they're not yours, you get this screwy message. | ||
You get this message of, oh, look at this poor fuck. | ||
You think about all the worst aspects of all your relationships and how you could possibly be entangled in some other person and then there's a fucking kid who won't stop crying and, oh, you're doomed. | ||
But when you have them, all of a sudden it's like, whoa, there's this little human and they're your little friends. | ||
And it's you. | ||
Like it's not really another person. | ||
It's a part of you that's become its own individual. | ||
You love it literally more than you love yourself. | ||
And then reading to them and playing with them, it's fun as fuck. | ||
It's like you got this little pal. | ||
Like she makes me laugh all the time. | ||
She shows me her dumps. | ||
She takes these giant shits. | ||
They're fucking huge. | ||
They come out of this little tiny body. | ||
You can't believe how big her shits are. | ||
You should start twittering her twits. | ||
No way. | ||
unidentified
|
No way. | |
These dudes would be jerking off to my baby shit. | ||
unidentified
|
Oh, fuck. | |
Look at that log! | ||
If it fits that log, it fits my cock! | ||
unidentified
|
No. | |
That's what they'd be thinking. | ||
Oh, of course there would be. | ||
There's at least like five guys. | ||
If you showed how big your baby shit was, we're like, what else could I fit in that ass? | ||
They would think about stuffing their dick in there. | ||
I jacked off so your kids poop today, Joe. | ||
Exactly. | ||
There's at least one guy who's going to say that. | ||
But she thinks it's hilarious. | ||
She goes, I just made a poop log. | ||
And poop is what she knows is funny because it's funny coming out of a two-year-old. | ||
So that's like the go-to word. | ||
You know, whenever, you know, what does it smell like? | ||
unidentified
|
Poop! | |
Everything smells like poop. | ||
Like she'll say everything smells like poop and laugh. | ||
That's awesome. | ||
That's awesome. | ||
You gotta get her in on, there's a show called Adventure Time. | ||
I highly recommend. | ||
I love it. | ||
It's like a trippy show for kids, but if you're an adult, you will fucking want to get high and watch it. | ||
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
Amazing. | ||
That's all I want to do. | ||
unidentified
|
Really? | |
And then it's like Maria Bamford's on it. | ||
Steve Agee said that he did something on it. | ||
Like a bunch of really talented people. | ||
The guy that used to do Flapjack. | ||
Flapjack got cancelled so now he's on it too. | ||
Fucking awesome. | ||
Would you ever do a cartoon voice? | ||
I think that would be one of your ideal things. | ||
I think I have. | ||
You did Family Guy or American Dad or something like that. | ||
I did a cartoon voice on Family Guy. | ||
And I did... | ||
Fuck, what else have I done with little kid shit? | ||
I feel like I've done something before. | ||
I've read some books. | ||
I've read some books that became books on CD. That's cool. | ||
A long time ago. | ||
With Mario Lopez. | ||
Oh, no way. | ||
Yeah, it was kind of fun, man. | ||
Because you're reading a kid's story. | ||
unidentified
|
Oh, Mario Lopez. | |
And you're reading, yeah, Mario. | ||
He looks like he's played her. | ||
Yeah, he's hot as fuck. | ||
And I always remember, I was a little kid, to listen to a cassette of someone tell a story. | ||
It was fucking cool. | ||
You'd be tucked in bed, and you'd hear some really exciting story. | ||
So it was fun. | ||
It was fun doing that. | ||
Speaking of Lopez, remember when we had Allison on? | ||
She was extra behind Mario Lopez, and she was just staring at him. | ||
She was like the Terminator with this really evil me look. | ||
Well, she's done it again, but this time she did it even better. | ||
At the beginning, they high-five when they come back from a commercial, Mario Lopez and her, and then she immediately goes right back into the character, and she's just staring at him down. | ||
Why did she do that? | ||
She overdid it this time. | ||
unidentified
|
Is she acting? | |
Yeah, she's overdoing it this time. | ||
Just acting like... | ||
I love it. | ||
Just to be crazy on TV? Some people are like, what is going on with that chick? | ||
Yeah, exactly. | ||
That one bitch is crazy. | ||
Exactly. | ||
The first time I met her when she was at Bryan, she's a very nice, very nice person. | ||
First time I met her, I'm like, dude, is that girl angry? | ||
Like, what's going on, man? | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
I feel like, did I upset her? | ||
Did I say something rude? | ||
Because I don't, you know, I'm like, I don't even remember interacting. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
She's got this mean face. | ||
But then she's super nice. | ||
Yeah, she's like the nicest person ever. | ||
She just gets lost and overthought, I think, you know, like she's constantly, you know, just thinking about things and then she looks angry. | ||
It's called winning. | ||
Winning. | ||
This Charlie Sheen meme has turned a corner. | ||
It's turned a corner. | ||
I watched the podcast and all of a sudden this is not fun anymore. | ||
There's two. | ||
There's three now. | ||
But there's two different versions. | ||
There's one where he actually tries to do a talk show. | ||
It's very strange. | ||
And it's very cocaine because everyone in the room is like all happy and laughing at nonsense. | ||
And there's this one guy who won't stop playing fart sounds. | ||
It's like, you know, he probably listened to the Howard Stern show twice and, you know, said, oh, this is probably all it takes. | ||
You need a fucking fart board. | ||
And this guy's blowing off farts in the background for no reason whatsoever. | ||
And Charlie's like reading off cue cards. | ||
Just trying to have those synapses fire in some sort of a reasonable and understandable sequence because it's just cocaine madness in that brain. | ||
His brain is ravaged, dude. | ||
He's got blowout holes in walls and water's leaking out. | ||
No one knows what the fuck happens to your brain when you blow seven fucking gram rocks. | ||
You're snorting them and smoking them for years and years. | ||
unidentified
|
He's fried. | |
He's barely trying to keep it together. | ||
What if this is all a setup for a movie? | ||
It would be a fucking genius movie. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Maybe not. | ||
Maybe not. | ||
Maybe the best movie ever. | ||
I would never ever be on Charlie Sheen's bandwagon. | ||
Fuck him. | ||
Why? | ||
Why do you say that? | ||
Because it's just, I don't know. | ||
That's the best way to get people mad, I think. | ||
It's just to be like, I'm not into what you're into. | ||
Fuck you. | ||
Yeah, I actually have not been watching or following any of it. | ||
I feel like there's no reward in that for me, but there's a reward in following it. | ||
There's a reward in studying it like he's some fucking Lewis and Clark of cocaine and whores. | ||
He's like out there in the woods and shit where Indians live. | ||
I'll tell you, cocaine and whores have been around for a very, very long time. | ||
I'll be very shocked if Charlie Sheen is going to discover something new about Two mil a week is how you discover something new. | ||
He's got radical amounts of money, syndication money. | ||
And when you have that kind of money, that's how there's dudes show up with briefcases and shit, and there's 50 girls in the room. | ||
He's doing other level shit. | ||
Because you're not supposed to get that rich and still have this crazy appetite for cocaine and whores. | ||
You're not supposed to be that open about it. | ||
You're not supposed to be that public about it. | ||
Well, that's what's crazy. | ||
That's exactly where TV's going. | ||
This whole shit is the realest. | ||
Supposedly, this is the realest you can get for reality shows now is having a Ustream channel and seeing somebody about to die. | ||
Maybe. | ||
You know? | ||
Maybe. | ||
Or the whole thing's fucking fake. | ||
No, it's not fake, man. | ||
And it's directed by Shel Silverstein and this is the next biggest movie ever. | ||
Or kids. | ||
In 3D. By Pixar. | ||
It's so scary when you look at his body and his face, like the latest ones, the latest two. | ||
It looks like he hasn't eaten or slept in days. | ||
Like his skin is loose on his face. | ||
Yeah. | ||
He looks like an old man. | ||
Yeah. | ||
But it's because he's lost all this weight. | ||
How old? | ||
Look at him. | ||
That looks like a skeleton. | ||
He's only two years older than me. | ||
And I don't know, I know I don't look like I did when I was young. | ||
I look at myself when I was young and I'm like, wow, how weird is that? | ||
Like, that's me. | ||
I'm decaying. | ||
Right. | ||
You know, I'm like, my body's morphing and changing. | ||
But I look better than that, dude. | ||
Yeah. | ||
That looks like Hugh Hefner. | ||
Hugh Hefner, right there. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Yeah, that's an old man. | ||
That's like a 60-year-old man. | ||
By the way, we're looking on Ustream. | ||
He has all his videos and channels. | ||
His name is W-Y-T-R on Ustream. | ||
It says W-Y-T-V, bro. | ||
W-Y-T-V. I think that's just one of them. | ||
I think you can watch the actual Charlie Sheen one on Charlie Sheen's channel. | ||
This is the guy who's re-competent. | ||
unidentified
|
Oh, it is? | |
But this one almost has a million views. | ||
Does it? | ||
Yeah, this might be it. | ||
Okay, maybe it is. | ||
But here's what disturbs me. | ||
Look at the pointiness of his shoulder. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Look at the bones. | ||
Yeah, that's weird. | ||
He's dying. | ||
He's dying. | ||
Yeah. | ||
That's real. | ||
You know? | ||
He's dying and he's winning. | ||
Yeah, he looks like Steve Jobs right there. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Does he need a liver transplant? | ||
Yeah, maybe that's what it is. | ||
Maybe that's why he has all those whores in his house. | ||
He's like matching them. | ||
He's trying to find one with the best women. | ||
Matching their organs. | ||
I'm on to you, bitch. | ||
He's trying to check them out. | ||
I used to say that about Dick Cheney. | ||
That Dick Cheney probably has like seven Secret Service agents, but only six are real Secret Service agents. | ||
One guy is just some dude who's got his blood type. | ||
Yeah. | ||
And they're just waiting for Dick Cheney to die. | ||
So they're going to cut this dude open like a fish. | ||
Harvest it. | ||
We should check into that. | ||
One guy behind them with a truck with ice in it. | ||
He's ready to throw the heart in there while it's still beating. | ||
What blood type are all those whores? | ||
Do you guys know what blood type you are? | ||
I don't even know what blood type I am. | ||
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I think I have like a cat blood type or something. | |
Oh, positive. | ||
Oh, positive. | ||
Danny D'Armond is the only one here that's not high. | ||
She was scared. | ||
She didn't want to go deep. | ||
A little nervous. | ||
I am a little nervous. | ||
It's very hard to be in the same room with people who are professionally funny. | ||
Because even if I'm not funny, I could just fucking open my ass and accept a huge cock. | ||
And everything will be okay. | ||
Things will pan out for me. | ||
Everybody will like you. | ||
They'll say, wow, way to go. | ||
Yeah, because I can fall back on just being pretty is enough. | ||
You don't have to worry about anything. | ||
Just be yourself. | ||
You don't have to be funny. | ||
You don't have to be... | ||
But I'd like to, because I'd like to be impressed. | ||
Well, you are. | ||
But you know what? | ||
No more than you have to be. | ||
The beautiful thing about this podcast, for real, is that it's like a conversation. | ||
What people get a chance to see is you get an in on an interesting conversation. | ||
So just be yourself. | ||
So you're all good. | ||
You don't have to just be funny. | ||
Oh, thanks. | ||
But you are. | ||
You are funny. | ||
And if you haven't seen that clip, it's very funny. | ||
Have you ever thought about doing comedy? | ||
I don't know, because it's kind of hard, because I'm already socially marginalized by being a sex worker, and then people kind of expect you to be sexy, and then I already had this conversation with Brian about female comics, and how it's like, that's already, you're kind of a rung down on the ladder, because you, you know, My boyfriend, my period, my cats, you know, kind of stuff. | ||
And it's really hard to get out of that. | ||
That business is very hard for women. | ||
And somebody like me coming in, being pretty and being a porn star and having a dirty mouth or whatever, I feel like I'd be kind of painted into a certain corner of being expected to... | ||
How can you be painted more than you are already? | ||
I know, that's what I'm saying. | ||
But as a porn star, how could being a female comic, which is arguably the general consensus, it would be many notches above on the social ladder. | ||
How would it possibly fuck you up by being funny as well as doing what you already do? | ||
Maybe I'm just afraid of failing. | ||
I don't know. | ||
Could be that, right? | ||
I mean, it's very intimidating. | ||
I do comedy bits for videos and stuff like that. | ||
And people kind of always call me because they need a pretty girl or a naked girl or someone will do full frontal and whatever. | ||
And I have a good sport and I get jokes and stuff like that. | ||
But I don't know if I can just be like, here are my series of jokes and then try to change it from... | ||
I feel like I would have to fall back on being a porn star for the basis of my comedy, which is something that is kind of counterproductive to what I do as a porn star because I sort of market myself as a girl next door and a normal person, you know? | ||
So it would be like folded in on itself. | ||
No, it would. | ||
I really don't think it would because you would just be yourself on stage. | ||
I need that noise. | ||
You do need it, right? | ||
You do need it. | ||
Maybe we're not on the same level. | ||
I think what you said earlier... | ||
But you're right. | ||
Do you know what I'm saying? | ||
I don't know. | ||
We're gonna help you. | ||
Just reading your tweets, I think you're fucking hilarious. | ||
And even if you just took... | ||
What I do is I usually think of a tweet that I really like, and then I try to write a little story around that tweet, because that pretty much is the meat of the goal. | ||
I'm sorry, what was I saying? | ||
Open that up so we can see what we're doing, just in case. | ||
But that's like the meat of a joke. | ||
A tweet pretty much is the best part of a joke usually. | ||
So I think you'd be really good at it just based on your... | ||
What a tweet is is just 140 characters. | ||
It's just writing material. | ||
And not. | ||
And not. | ||
That's the beautiful thing about it. | ||
Sometimes it's just whatever the fuck you think about anything. | ||
I made a tweet last night that I was watching this Charlie Sheen thing and then he sounds like Hunter S. Thompson. | ||
He's got this crazy nutty gonzo thing going on. | ||
I'm like, wow, this is weird. | ||
Now I'm stuck. | ||
Is that like a drug thing? | ||
It's not like you just go too far over the edge and everything's firing all fucking goofy? | ||
Is that what it is? | ||
Well, Charlie Sheen has been famous pretty much all his life and he was like born into a famous family too. | ||
So I mean that kind of sets you back a little bit to begin with because you're already scrutinized and being watched pretty closely and you're in a bubble because you're rich from the moment you're born basically. | ||
What stand-up comedy makes you do is be real as fuck. | ||
You can't fake it. | ||
You can't pretend something's going on that's not going on. | ||
What's happening is happening. | ||
When you're talking about something, you better be actually thinking about something or those little animals out there are going to smell it. | ||
They're going to know and it's not going to work. | ||
Like me. | ||
Fucking happy heckler. | ||
I'm the worst. | ||
Yeah, you heckled Mike Young. | ||
I know. | ||
It was so funny, though. | ||
It was entertaining to the 11 people that were there. | ||
Well, listen, Mike Young needs it. | ||
He does. | ||
He needs it. | ||
As long as you don't do that to anybody good. | ||
And don't do it just because someone's bombing. | ||
Because sometimes we bomb when we're trying to work something out. | ||
I can tell when people are working things out. | ||
I'm sure you can. | ||
I'm sure you can. | ||
You just felt insulted by what Mike Young was selling. | ||
Yeah. | ||
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That's what it is. | |
I know that feeling. | ||
He was, like, peeing on my shoes and telling me it was raining. | ||
It was miserable. | ||
Yeah, well, you can, you know, guys can go down a bad road, you know? | ||
And then he was like, hey, I see you. | ||
You have bangs. | ||
And I was like, nailed it. | ||
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Burn. | |
Like, what the fuck are you talking about? | ||
Yeah, man, fucking bangs. | ||
What are you doing with those bangs? | ||
Oh, yeah. | ||
I'm a girl, it's allowed. | ||
You can come do Joe's show tomorrow if you want to do a five minute set of reading your tweets. | ||
Yeah, we're doing a show tomorrow. | ||
Oh yeah, before I even... | ||
This weekend is Comedy and Magic Club. | ||
So this Friday and Saturday we're at the Comedy and Magic Club in Hermosa Beach. | ||
And tickets are... | ||
There's still some left, but not much. | ||
And then next week, Friday night, we're going to Gotham. | ||
It's me and the wild Jew in Gotham at... | ||
Nice. | ||
It's got a lot of cat hair on it. | ||
It's feeling up a flashlight. | ||
It's an alien pussy. | ||
And that's next Friday night. | ||
Yeah, and then Wednesday, tomorrow, we have Sal's... | ||
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Sal's Comedy Hole in L.A. Tom Segura, Christina, and... | |
A lot of people. | ||
Eliza Schlesinger is going to be there, too. | ||
Yeah, a lot of people going on. | ||
It's going to be really fun. | ||
And that's a great place to fuck around. | ||
I came up with two new jokes last time I was there. | ||
Really? | ||
Just on stage. | ||
That's awesome. | ||
Because it's such a little intimate environment and everyone knows that you're there for that. | ||
I do my material, but I'm really there. | ||
I want to entertain you, but I also want to go down crazy roads and see what happens. | ||
Completely free ball. | ||
And you can't do that in a big crowd. | ||
You need to do that in like an 80-seater, a 90-seater. | ||
Then you really know what's funny and what's not. | ||
You can't get off any tricks. | ||
In an intimate environment, a really small room, you can't get off any tricks. | ||
It's like it's either funny or it's not. | ||
And it's very truthful. | ||
And you could do that. | ||
I'm telling you. | ||
You could do it. | ||
When you're talking about not wanting all these other things, like not wanting to be demeaning, you've already managed to avoid that in the most demeaning job possible. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Yeah, I guess I have. | ||
Seriously. | ||
I mean, it depends. | ||
I don't feel like it's that demeaning. | ||
I think there could be worse. | ||
Fuck anyone that judges. | ||
Anyone that judges, anybody that's not hurting anybody. | ||
If anybody does not hurt anybody, whatever you're doing, how weird it may be, that's what makes you happy. | ||
I'm brainwashed, or maybe I need to be rescued, or maybe I was raised improperly, or I'm some kind of a heathen or something that I need the right person to slap some sense into me because I'm being damaged. | ||
Well, they think that because for most people that's the case. | ||
For most people in your business, that's the case. | ||
I mean, it's not an irrational reason for them to think that. | ||
I mean, there's a fair percentage. | ||
It doesn't account for all variabilities. | ||
There's a lot more variables. | ||
Variabilities? | ||
There's a lot more variables. | ||
It doesn't count for all of them. | ||
And people can be into all kinds of things for no fucking reason. | ||
And to say that it's all from abuse or... | ||
So you were a happy, growing up, happy person? | ||
Yeah, very. | ||
You know, mom, dad, brother, cats, you know, normal shit. | ||
Everybody just really open about sex in your house? | ||
Like, how did you become so... | ||
I don't know. | ||
I was like... | ||
I'm weird. | ||
And I've always been weird. | ||
Like, I asked my mom, what was I like when I was a kid? | ||
And she was like, pretty much exactly the same way as you are now, just shorter. | ||
And I was like, okay. | ||
I've been like this kind of neurotic, silly person for a very long time. | ||
And... | ||
I never had any sex talks with my parents. | ||
I think at a certain point they were like, it's really normal to experiment with sex and drugs, but you probably shouldn't drink. | ||
And I was like, well, I'm going to go get drunk. | ||
Because if my parents think that drugs and sex are cool, they must suck or be nerdy or whatever. | ||
I kind of went Alex P. Keaton on them. | ||
A little flip. | ||
Man, that's something you've got to really be aware of when you're raising kids. | ||
You can't just tell them what you want them to do. | ||
No, you don't! | ||
Yeah, you've got to kind of figure out a way to trick them. | ||
Trick the little monsters. | ||
So you just gravitated towards the alcohol to be a rebel. | ||
Yeah, I was like a really bad drinker when I was younger, and I went through phases where I would like not drink at all, but then like pick right up and like be a drunk person until I was like 23. Wow. | ||
Yeah, I was just like, and like sex, I mean I wasn't like super interested in it, like I had boyfriends and stuff, and like my parents never tried to make me feel bad about sex, but the men that I was with always did, like That made you feel bad about it in what way? | ||
About how many people I've had sex with or what I'm into or whatever. | ||
And I always found it to be pretty strange. | ||
So I guess my parents raised me to have good ideas about sexuality. | ||
But really, it wasn't really... | ||
Like, laid out for me in any way. | ||
Well, for men, you know, you want to know how many partners because then the likelihood of her leaving you becomes assessed. | ||
Like, how long she will stick around. | ||
That is such a sensitive thing to say, which I think is really interesting because I think that a lot of people would say, you know, to see if she's, like, a whore or slutty or if she's, like, diseased or whatever. | ||
There's that. | ||
Or if she's going to give me herpes. | ||
There's that, too. | ||
There's that feeling that she's not special. | ||
But I think that's pretty... | ||
Pretty interesting. | ||
I think a girl that's been around is very special. | ||
Yeah, well, what the fuck? | ||
You're an accumulation of all your experiences. | ||
Sexual or otherwise. | ||
Whatever the fuck you want to do. | ||
The only problem is you find out about trains that were run on her. | ||
How many times? | ||
Damn, bitch. | ||
How many gang bangs? | ||
Three? | ||
Fuck. | ||
Then you start thinking, how can I ever think that sex is special between us? | ||
How can I ever think that this is worthy of my love? | ||
It's not what I see in the movies. | ||
It's not what I see in Sandra Bullock's movies. | ||
Sandra Bullock never gets a train run on her. | ||
She doesn't go to work and get fucked in the ass and then come home and want to cuddle with you. | ||
She has an Oscar, so she could fucking do whatever now. | ||
No, not for a woman. | ||
She can go full. | ||
They can vanish. | ||
She's on the verge of vanishing already. | ||
She's 40 years old, 43 years old or something like that. | ||
Oh, she's so cute. | ||
She is very cute, but I mean, you're not going to want to see her as she's 60 in a romantic comedy about a woman trying to find her way and she coaches a bunch of black guys that are playing football and she learns valuable life lessons. | ||
Well, I mean, she kind of went like MILF in that Blindside movie. | ||
She was a little bit of a mom, not like a girlfriend or a sexy boss. | ||
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Yeah. | |
It's so funny how we identify with someone who's going through some crazy marital strife on television. | ||
She doesn't deserve that. | ||
She seems nice enough. | ||
But I do wonder why she was married to that Jesse James fella. | ||
He's completely tattooed all over the place. | ||
What is that about? | ||
I never really understood that. | ||
Is that like they both enjoy cocaine or something? | ||
I think he's a charmer. | ||
There's some guys that are charmers. | ||
And I think he was very obsessed with being famous. | ||
Listen to me. | ||
I'm like, I'm fucking Nancy Grace. | ||
What we have here is a charmer. | ||
He's a bullshit artist, and he's getting this girl to believe him. | ||
Now we have a dead baby in Florida. | ||
That's all that bitch talks about. | ||
There's a dead baby in Florida, and Nancy Grace is on that shit. | ||
You will look for this story on CNN.com. | ||
You will find nothing. | ||
Here we have the mother come home from work, buy cigarettes with the baby in the car. | ||
I know, I love it. | ||
She hates Casey Anthony so much. | ||
Who's Casey Anthony? | ||
She killed her daughter Kaylee Anthony in Florida. | ||
Why would she hate her? | ||
She seems cool. | ||
No, but the thing is, she's not ever trying to present herself as an impartial news person. | ||
She's like, and Casey Anthony, they will figure out the truth about you because you murdered your baby. | ||
She was like, what? | ||
I said he's a Freudian right there. | ||
She's totally biased. | ||
Well, she's not supposed to be a news person. | ||
She's like a discussion person. | ||
She's a former prosecutor. | ||
That's the interesting part of her case. | ||
She's got it figured out. | ||
The crazy thing is when she's talking about Tiger Woods. | ||
Like, whoa, whoa, whoa. | ||
Settle the fuck down, Hooker. | ||
I thought you were all about dead babies in Florida. | ||
What are you doing about black athletes that like to fuck? | ||
Like, really? | ||
You're going to spend three weeks working on black athletes that want to fuck. | ||
Like, really? | ||
Hmm. | ||
Who are these girls? | ||
Where do they come from? | ||
How did they get his phone number? | ||
Well, Nancy Grace. | ||
Nancy Grace would love some black cock. | ||
He probably gave it to them. | ||
If anybody could use some black cock, it's Nancy Grace. | ||
I could see her enjoying it. | ||
Couldn't you? | ||
I'd pay for that. | ||
I could see her enjoying it. | ||
I could see her getting stuffed. | ||
Somebody just finally fucking treating her like she's really sexual and hot for the first time in 20, 30 years. | ||
Ugh, she'd get into it. | ||
Big man, dingo, ebony, sward. | ||
Sward? | ||
Yes. | ||
Enunciated the W? Sward. | ||
Oh, you're such a dad. | ||
See, that's fucking comedy right there. | ||
That's timing. | ||
You could totally be a stand-up comedian. | ||
Dude, you could totally do it, I'm telling you. | ||
We're the same. | ||
Comics and porn stars are very, very similar. | ||
We all come from some fucking weird place where we didn't get what we were supposed to get when we were young, and there's a hole. | ||
And you fill that hole up however you want, with jokes or with dicks. | ||
It's the same thing. | ||
There's room for both. | ||
My whole thing. | ||
Yeah, I'm telling you, you could do it. | ||
You could fit hands in there and shit. | ||
I can. | ||
People can clap. | ||
You got five minutes tomorrow at Sal's Comedy Hole. | ||
Oh my gosh. | ||
You don't have to do it. | ||
No pressure. | ||
You don't want to... | ||
Look what happened with her with drinking. | ||
You can't do that, dude. | ||
You can't push her in a direction. | ||
She's going to push back. | ||
She's going to take your bullshit. | ||
He's reverse psychology-ing me. | ||
Yeah, man. | ||
He's fucking trying to trick you. | ||
I saw the funniest photo of you. | ||
She has, by the way, she has an obsession with trannies. | ||
Like, she is addicted to trannies. | ||
Drag queens. | ||
I saw this one with this big black... | ||
Giant! | ||
She was like 7'2", 7'4", or something. | ||
She was giant! | ||
I like how you say she... | ||
She was a huge girl. | ||
unidentified
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She? | |
It's so funny. | ||
How is it she? | ||
Was that even a turn-on? | ||
I just thought she was really owning her shit. | ||
She was just working the room. | ||
I'm 5'8", and I feel like I'm a little bit too tall. | ||
You're 5'8"? | ||
Do you feel tranny-like sometimes? | ||
Yeah, I'm in touch with my inner tranny, my masculine-feminine side. | ||
Do they have a pussy boner? | ||
It's a fem bone. | ||
Fem bone? | ||
Or les bone. | ||
Depends what it's for. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I don't know. | ||
What is that? | ||
I don't know. | ||
Just making up words. | ||
What the fuck are you guys talking about? | ||
No, but I'm... | ||
Why is it a terrible time to get your balls caught in your pants and you have to adjust? | ||
This conversation is going on. | ||
I'm like, the last thing I want is anybody to think that I'm getting hard right now. | ||
unidentified
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But I'm shifting in my pants because I'm sitting on my balls. | |
It's like a Larry David pants bow. | ||
Here, I'll put a black bar over that. | ||
You're talking about like femme boner something and I'm like, god damn it. | ||
I do have to adjust my balls. | ||
I'm just kind of... | ||
What terrible timing. | ||
I'm very obsessed with RuPaul's Drag Race. | ||
I've been watching it for all three seasons and I really like the drag queens. | ||
I used to hang out with drag queens a lot when I lived in Florida. | ||
What's the obsession? | ||
Do you find it cool or it's interesting aesthetically? | ||
When people are just really being themselves, even if it means dressing as a different gender or whatever, it's just because that's what they feel and it's very ambiguous and I really like that. | ||
Why not, right? | ||
Yeah, why the fuck not? | ||
I used to go out pulling drag looks with drag queens in Florida and I blended in with them. | ||
Because they thought you were a big woman. | ||
Yeah, they thought I was like a dude dressed as a woman. | ||
A girl dressed as a dude dressed as a girl. | ||
Like, it's some pretty next level Inception type of shit. | ||
It's the next level shit. | ||
Yeah, your hands are too small and your feet are too small. | ||
My arms are too short. | ||
If you were a dude, you were really one of those people that were supposed to be born a woman. | ||
Yes. | ||
You know? | ||
Wow. | ||
That would be the worst. | ||
It's way better to be a woman who looks like, might be a tranny, than a dude who looks like a woman. | ||
But those trannies that are like the girl, their jeans are just messed up and they just ended up with a dick, but they're really more women. | ||
Right. | ||
They have a whole different... | ||
If they want to do tranny porn, it's very niche in that they look more like women than someone that maybe started transitioning later in life or that was more masculine. | ||
Right. | ||
And so it opens their door to be the best transsexual prostitute or porn star or whatever. | ||
They could really cash in on that. | ||
If people really want to make their sex an issue. | ||
But you've got to keep taking that deeper and deeper. | ||
How can you be the best? | ||
Is it possible to compete? | ||
Who's the best tranny? | ||
Yeah, they have tranny awards. | ||
Bailey J got the best transsexual performer. | ||
Do you follow the trannies? | ||
unidentified
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I do! | |
They follow me! | ||
Please follow me, and I follow them back, and a lot of times they fool me, and I think they're just hot girls. | ||
They're probably just happy that someone accepts them. | ||
Why shouldn't anybody accept them, Joe Rogan? | ||
You're right. | ||
Exactly. | ||
I think there's a broad spectrum of human behavior. | ||
We learned something here today. | ||
There's a huge spectrum, and all I care about is who's nice to it. | ||
People thought they were going to hear about that fighting stuff, or fucking stuff, and we're teaching people real values. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Well, that's what this thing is about. | ||
This is just a conversation. | ||
Yes. | ||
You know? | ||
It's so easy to judge people. | ||
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We are some moral, valuable, good family values. | |
Well, it's easy to get confused and we naturally gravitate towards teams. | ||
And if you're not on team dressed like a guy, all of a sudden there's something fucked up about you. | ||
But if you're a fucking guy who really loves dressing like a chick... | ||
Who the fuck am I? Who's anybody to say there's something wrong with that? | ||
I kind of dress like a guy, and I'm a lady. | ||
unidentified
|
Why not? | |
Girls dress like guys all the time, and I never have a problem with it. | ||
I mean, I don't want to dress like a woman, but I don't give a shit if you do. | ||
Every time. | ||
Hillary Swank's hot. | ||
Who? | ||
Hillary Swank? | ||
I think she's hot. | ||
Every time I dress like a guy, someone goes, you look like Hillary Swank. | ||
I think she's hot. | ||
I'm dressed like a dude. | ||
I've heard dudes say that they think she looks like a man. | ||
I'm like, I don't know. | ||
Maybe you need to get a certain amount of man in you. | ||
You need to be a certain amount of masculine to appreciate a beauty like Hilary Swank, which is a little on the manly side. | ||
I've never even thought of that before. | ||
Strong jawline. | ||
You need to be more masculine than her. | ||
Handsome woman. | ||
Yeah, you don't want to be like a frail man and you want to fuck Hilary Swank. | ||
She'll mount you and ground and pound you. | ||
I feel like I am actually probably more masculine than Hilary Swank, the person. | ||
I would have to see the two of you together, because when you see someone in real life, people always tell me when they meet me, God damn, you're so fucking short. | ||
I never thought you were that short in real life. | ||
No, it's true. | ||
How tall are you? | ||
5'8". | ||
But on TV, you look big. | ||
You're on television, and then these people meet me, and they're towering over me. | ||
You meet a guy who's like 6'4", and they're like, oh, I thought you were fucking taller. | ||
You don't know what anybody's like until you actually meet them. | ||
I've met celebrities that I thought were these big people, and they're these little tiny people. | ||
And look at Conan O'Brien. | ||
I never knew he was that tall. | ||
He's so gigantic. | ||
Yeah, he's very tall. | ||
Which I'm sure makes it awkward when he does his show because he towers over all these people and he wants to be unassuming. | ||
It's an interesting thing. | ||
So who's more manly, you or Hillary Swine? | ||
She'd have to be sitting right next to you. | ||
Probably me. | ||
Because when she did Million Dollar Baby and she played the boxer, she looked pretty fucking manly. | ||
But she's an actress. | ||
But she was yoked. | ||
Do you remember that? | ||
I could work out if I didn't love not working out so much. | ||
Right, but she already did it. | ||
She already did it, so I'm pretty sure she's more masculine than you. | ||
I don't know. | ||
Look, if you were together, right next to each other, and she... | ||
Just because I was buff doesn't mean they're, like, masculine. | ||
The fuck it doesn't. | ||
Yeah, it does. | ||
It's all directly related to how difficult it would be to rape you. | ||
That's exactly what it's like. | ||
That's what it is. | ||
If you look like you'd be a tangle, like goddamn, I can't even get hard because I gotta fight for my life here. | ||
I'm feisty. | ||
If a man feels like he could just absolutely run away with you, like grab you and just manhandle you. | ||
But I've done porn and I've tortured people on their balls. | ||
I don't think I would have any problem trying to punch someone in the face or rip their eyes out or kick them in the dick or something. | ||
unidentified
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Of course you would. | |
Because I've been very aggressively sexual towards men and shame them. | ||
Right. | ||
So, I feel like that would be an advantage over a rapist. | ||
Rapists, nobody tried to rape me because I can kick your dick in balls. | ||
All I'm saying, all I'm saying is... | ||
Why are you trying to get people to rape me? | ||
I'm not saying... | ||
You know your followership. | ||
You know them. | ||
No. | ||
Please don't rape Dana. | ||
There, I said it. | ||
Please. | ||
And if you're thinking about it, please stop thinking about it. | ||
That's not what I'm saying. | ||
What I'm saying is, that's when a woman becomes manly looking. | ||
Rape is so rude. | ||
It's very rude. | ||
It's very, right? | ||
It's so inconsiderate. | ||
It's so inconsiderate. | ||
I want to fuck you even if you don't want it. | ||
This girl I was talking to the other day, she said she was raped twice. | ||
And I'm like, which one was the better one? | ||
unidentified
|
Oh no! | |
Dude, write that down! | ||
Write that down. | ||
That's a bit. | ||
That's a bit. | ||
I was like, if you had to choose one, which one was better? | ||
You gotta do that tomorrow night at Sal's. | ||
100%. | ||
That is a bit. | ||
No doubt about it. | ||
That's really funny. | ||
I think it's really funny because some people on the BTS of porn movies, they'll try to be like, when did you lose your virginity? | ||
And some people just full on is like, how old were you the first time you were raped? | ||
Did you say BTS? Yeah, the behind the scenes footage of the movies. | ||
unidentified
|
Oh, okay. | |
Oh, I didn't know that. | ||
Industry talk. | ||
Yeah, sorry. | ||
That's one for our side. | ||
unidentified
|
I wasn't even going to ask because I thought you were saying... | |
I thought you were saying like a message board, like a BBS, a bulletin board. | ||
Like the little behind the scenes footage. | ||
People are like, Do they show you guys, like, douching and cleaning your bundles out? | ||
I always try to trick people into, like, watching me pee and douche and stuff because they're not really supposed to film, like, peeing. | ||
No? | ||
Because, like, the distributors have, like, a problem with it. | ||
unidentified
|
Well... | |
It might be. | ||
I think it is. | ||
Like, peeing on people is some places obscene, but I did a movie called Girls Live for Vividal, directed by Ian McKay, and it had a girl taking a pregnancy test and she peed on it on the toilet and they can show it because it's, like, in a... | ||
Medical environment. | ||
Yeah, like a normal environment. | ||
Like pee-pee goes in the toilet, not in Dana's mouth. | ||
That's what you think. | ||
I saw a guy piss in someone's mouth live. | ||
It was really funny. | ||
I think it's funny. | ||
I think it's more hilarious than anything. | ||
Somebody, like, they want to jack off to the movies and they want to see naked people and they want to see some weird shit, but then they also kind of want to laugh, I think. | ||
But I saw this at a rock and roll show. | ||
It was a guy that used to do it called Extreme Elvis. | ||
Oh, yeah, I've met him. | ||
I've met him, yeah. | ||
He's buddies with Doug Stanhope, and Doug was opening up for him at this bar. | ||
The guy goes up there. | ||
He's fat as fuck. | ||
And he's a really good singer. | ||
He's really good. | ||
And the band is tight. | ||
It's not just a bizarro show. | ||
And then the guy takes his clothes off and he has a micro phallus. | ||
A complete micro phallus. | ||
I mean, it's to the point where people are laughing hysterically. | ||
I believe it's still up on my website. | ||
I believe I took a picture of his dick. | ||
And he's pissing in this woman's mouth. | ||
He goes, who wants to drink the King's piss? | ||
This girl goes, I do, I do. | ||
And she gets her knee and I took pictures of the whole thing. | ||
I took pictures of him pissing in her mouth, pissing in a glass. | ||
She drinks the glass. | ||
Like it is fucking crazy. | ||
He climbs off stage and he's in the crowd and some woman tries to stick a beer bottle up his ass. | ||
He can, like, pee on Q. Yeah. | ||
Some woman tries to stick a beer bottle up his ass, and he goes, that's the wrong hole. | ||
It's right here. | ||
Get it right here. | ||
Like, he helps her stuff this beer bottle up his ass, and she panics and just drops the bottle. | ||
Wow. | ||
Like, she panicked. | ||
Like, she thought she would stick her beer bottle up this guy's ass, and he would freak out. | ||
Like, hey, what the fuck? | ||
Right. | ||
But he goes, you're getting the wrong hole, honey. | ||
It's right here. | ||
I'll guide you in there. | ||
And he starts helping her stick a fucking beer bottle up his asshole. | ||
Like, that's how deep this guy's ready to go. | ||
Yeah. | ||
So I run into him. | ||
I mean, I think that's art. | ||
I run into him at the Paul Provenza show. | ||
I run into him at the Paul Provenza show, and now he's no longer Extreme Albus. | ||
I think he's clean and sober now. | ||
He used to get hammered as fuck before he did that show. | ||
I've talked to him before. | ||
I've met him before a while ago, like at the Bright Spot or something. | ||
And I was talking on the Paul Provenza show about a guy that I used to know who was a male feminist. | ||
That's how he would describe himself, as a male feminist. | ||
And it was just this really sad, weak guy. | ||
Yeah, it seemed kind of like subby. | ||
Yeah, it was very subby. | ||
And he was this guy, like a bag of jello as a human being. | ||
He was just like... | ||
And eventually she left him. | ||
So anyway, I was mocking this whole idea of like, how the fuck could you be a male feminist? | ||
And after I get off stage, he goes, well, I'm a male feminist. | ||
And I'm like, oh, wow. | ||
I would love to debate you on that. | ||
Like, we should do this on TV. I'm like, you just said it. | ||
You just said exactly what I said. | ||
Like, a fleshy ball of jello with a microphallus and you're a male feminist. | ||
Well, of course you are. | ||
He looks like a fat lady. | ||
Basically. | ||
No offense. | ||
You're a bad motherfucker at what you do when you do that crazy Elvis thing. | ||
But talking about being a feminist, be whatever the fuck you want to be. | ||
But you can't tell me it's not ridiculous. | ||
You're really into the female of the species? | ||
You're really thinking of them first? | ||
What the fuck? | ||
What the fuck are you talking about? | ||
How about being a goddamn human? | ||
How about being a human across the board sexually? | ||
Whether it's male, female, gay, straight, tranny. | ||
Who gives a shit? | ||
How about being across the board? | ||
Not a fucking feminist, you dumbass. | ||
You can't defend that. | ||
You only want to help women? | ||
You only want to promote women? | ||
You fucking weak bitch! | ||
That's weak shit. | ||
unidentified
|
That's weak. | |
I don't even call myself a feminist. | ||
It's nonsense. | ||
I would say, like, I'm not not a feminist. | ||
unidentified
|
It's fucking nonsense. | |
Because there's certain things I can get on board with and whatever. | ||
But, you know, there's so many different ways of feminism that people come behind you and just be like, ah. | ||
And just grouping everything together is stupid to begin with. | ||
Yes, all groups are stupid. | ||
You know, all of it. | ||
Anything where you're looking out for one... | ||
I mean... | ||
You can't fucking fix the world. | ||
I mean, there's some things that you have to have. | ||
Like, you have to have some sort of a group that's there to investigate claims of racism when it comes to jobs and stuff like that. | ||
I mean, you have to have some groups, but as little as possible, goddammit. | ||
That's good. | ||
Group sex. | ||
Sure. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
As little as possible. | ||
As little goddamn groups as possible. | ||
Yeah. | ||
That's the key. | ||
You know? | ||
People get on fucking team mentality mode, and they start just going after, I'm on team straight. | ||
I'm on Team Queer. | ||
I'm on this. | ||
I'm on that. | ||
They can't help it. | ||
I like it. | ||
I like it all. | ||
Everybody's got to lighten the fuck up. | ||
Right, Dana? | ||
Yes. | ||
Isn't that the key to this world? | ||
When people say that weed could fix the world, that's like for real. | ||
It sounds silly. | ||
It sounds silly coming from a fucking comedian and a porn star and a video comedian. | ||
But we keep it real, obviously. | ||
So maybe people will listen to us because maybe we're a little bit more informed. | ||
I read this post on a message board the other day about this dude who talked about he had smoked pot for the first time in like seven years. | ||
And he was absolutely terrified to his core. | ||
And then it brought up all these crazy thoughts of childhood and he could not handle it. | ||
And it opened up this fascinating discussion. | ||
Because, you know, some people were saying that's normal. | ||
Some people were saying, well, you got some shit you got to deal with. | ||
There's some fucking with you in the back of your head. | ||
In your sober life, you're not addressing it. | ||
But... | ||
That's why weed is good for you. | ||
You're supposed to look at everything all the time, and a lot of us don't. | ||
We like to bury shit in the back of our head and try not to dress whatever's fucking with us, and weed just turns a light on that shit. | ||
Whatever you have in your life that's fucking with you, that you're trying to put deep into your subconscious, marijuana does not allow that. | ||
It doesn't allow it. | ||
So people say, oh, it makes me paranoid. | ||
No, no, it's making you think about the shit you need to be thinking about. | ||
You should be fucking paranoid. | ||
You should be aware of how vulnerable you are. | ||
The world is very fucked up. | ||
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
I had to, like, move because people were stealing my mail when I lived in Silver Lake. | ||
I had to, like, move to a high-security building. | ||
unidentified
|
I couldn't deal. | |
Because they knew where you were? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Fans? | ||
Like, that's... | ||
And I was like, I did think I was paranoid, but I was like, no, these people are for real, like, know who I am, and it's kind of trippy. | ||
Did you have a happy childhood, you think? | ||
Oh yeah, absolutely. | ||
Really? | ||
My parents were involved in everything. | ||
PTA, Girl Scouting, I was a figure skater. | ||
Did you say finger skating? | ||
How do your parents deal with what you do now? | ||
I don't know. | ||
I don't know if they deal with it. | ||
I don't know. | ||
It's not really something that's a non-issue. | ||
It's a non-issue? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Really? | ||
They're like, no big deal. | ||
You're just having sex on film. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Wow. | ||
That's fascinating. | ||
Pretty much. | ||
Well, they also see that I have a reasonable amount of following and fan base and people who appreciate what I contribute to the porn industry besides just being like... | ||
Just your personality. | ||
Three wormholes and a bunch of fake hair. | ||
It's, you know, just... | ||
So you contribute being your personality and your sense of humor? | ||
Yeah, yeah, definitely. | ||
But my parents respect my decisions, which is maybe kind of a very foreign concept for most people. | ||
It is, for a lot of people. | ||
Because people's parents tend to, you know, tell them what to do. | ||
And my parents are opposite. | ||
They told me, like... | ||
Were they religious at all? | ||
No. | ||
Well, that's the reason. | ||
My parents are religious. | ||
What is their background? | ||
Oh, man. | ||
My grandmother is from Germany. | ||
And I don't think that my mom was raised with a religion. | ||
My grandmother is like a new agey. | ||
What does your dad do for a living? | ||
Whatever. | ||
My dad does kind of weird shit. | ||
He works at a catering company now. | ||
But he was like an on-site security manager of a storage facility. | ||
Yeah. | ||
He used to be a CEO of a software company, and he quit that to be a fish farmer, and then he went to ranch cattle in Oklahoma. | ||
My dad is just kind of all over the place. | ||
Wow. | ||
That's kind of cool, though. | ||
My dad is kind of a genius at all sorts of things, but for that amount of time. | ||
Oh, he gets bored. | ||
Yeah, he's like turbo thruster. | ||
Why not, man? | ||
Shouldn't you be able to just fucking change careers in your life? | ||
My dad does it all the time. | ||
My mom works at A company that makes stuff to blow up brown people in Florida. | ||
Wow. | ||
Like a missile company? | ||
Like some... | ||
Arms? | ||
Some form of arms? | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
It doesn't have to be brown. | ||
We might jack some yellow people in North Korea. | ||
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
We keep talking shit! | ||
Keep talking shit! | ||
Rice-eating motherfuckers! | ||
We got some shit for you guys! | ||
My mom has been in her job for a really long time. | ||
A bunch of people got mad at me in this MMA forum because we were in Kentucky and there was some fights going on and this kid who was a wrestler was fighting this other guy who's a kickboxer from Italy. | ||
He lives in America, but they were chanting, USA! USA! USA! And I was like, really Kentucky? | ||
I'm like, that guy lives in Miami. | ||
We're all immigrants. | ||
Everyone in this fucking country descended from immigrants. | ||
So no one was here 10,000 years ago. | ||
It was all ice, you fuck. | ||
That's the whole deal with America. | ||
This guy actually lives here and you're yelling USA. And people were saying, there's nothing wrong with patriotism and you're enforcing your beliefs on other people. | ||
I'm like, no, I'm making fun of shit. | ||
I think it's stupid. | ||
You're being colored commentary. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Silly. | ||
You're yelling at USA. What? | ||
Just watch these guys for their goddamn technique and their courage and what the fuck they're trying to accomplish and the difficulty of the task. | ||
It's a great goddamn fight between this all-American wrestler who beat Phil Davis and Ryan Bader's badass fucking wrestler and this Italian kickboxer who's trying to get his ground game together. | ||
It's a great fucking fight. | ||
And these dildos, USA! USA! Spit all over the back of the person's head in front of them. | ||
Just dumb fucking mouth-breeding cocksuckers. | ||
And they get mad at you for being upset at it. | ||
How else did you feel about your time over in Kentucky? | ||
Because I grew up around there and going through Kentucky was always a fun time. | ||
Louisville is great, dude. | ||
Louisville is a great city. | ||
The comedy club is fucking fantastic. | ||
The people there are super cool. | ||
The people that work there were super cool. | ||
It's got this weird southern sort of almost hippie thing going on. | ||
There's a lot of young people there. | ||
There's a lot of open-minded people there. | ||
And then there's a lot of old money. | ||
And then there's a lot of So it's this weird combination of shit. | ||
No, not in Louisville. | ||
Louisville's old money. | ||
It's a rare part of the South where there's a lot of really established social clans and groups and socialites. | ||
A lot of money. | ||
Really old money down there. | ||
But a lot of educated people too. | ||
But they're on that show the first 48. They're on that show all the time apparently. | ||
People are getting jacked in Louisville. | ||
You know, I got U-verse or... | ||
That show shows real dead bodies. | ||
That's so creepy. | ||
That's dark. | ||
I watch it all the time. | ||
Isn't it weird that you can show anybody getting shot in a movie, but you can't show people really fucking? | ||
Yeah. | ||
It's amazing. | ||
Or like a woman experiencing sexual pleasure. | ||
It's like, okay, if it's like the dude going, oh, but like not a girl. | ||
You can't have a girl having an orgasm. | ||
It's very not done. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Right. | ||
Does it ever happen? | ||
Yeah, you never see the girl coming. | ||
No. | ||
Even if it's the guy. | ||
Even when Howard Stern did the private parts and the girls on the speaker having an orgasm because Howard was making the noises and stuff. | ||
I remember that was so shocking when that came out. | ||
Really? | ||
Yeah. | ||
When that movie came out? | ||
Fuck yeah, that was hot. | ||
When she's sitting on the speaker and he's going... | ||
unidentified
|
That was cool. | |
That's interesting that it's not thought of as being very important if you come. | ||
Because it's all leftover barbarian shit and we used to hold you down by your hair and just shoot a load in you and run away. | ||
That's what it is. | ||
That's how people made babies back then. | ||
That's gross. | ||
It is gross. | ||
But it's the reason why men are stronger than women. | ||
Why aren't you strong too? | ||
You're not strong too so we can rape you easier. | ||
It's really that simple. | ||
There's no logical reason why you wouldn't be like... | ||
That's why God made me tall. | ||
We're stronger to fight off other men that want to fuck you and kill the babies. | ||
That's what we're strong for. | ||
That's totally right. | ||
We're strong to rape you and to fight off other men. | ||
That's it. | ||
Because otherwise you would be strong too. | ||
Why aren't you strong too? | ||
That's why I'm glad those guys wrestle each other so they get all out of their system instead of trying to rape me. | ||
This is shit that academics haven't even considered, yo. | ||
They haven't even looked into this so deeply. | ||
They're scared because of social constructs. | ||
We had Ari Shaffir on his podcast had a guest that was addicted to going to bathhouses, or I mean massage parlors, to get laid. | ||
Did he say his name? | ||
No, no, no. | ||
Ari. | ||
Did you have him on with a mask on or something? | ||
Yeah, the Spider-Man mask on. | ||
Oh, yeah. | ||
Dude, I almost said his name. | ||
Yeah, I know. | ||
But anyways, that was close. | ||
Sorry. | ||
This is live. | ||
Maybe we should consider not having this live. | ||
Even Charlie Sheen edits his shit. | ||
But so anyways, I never knew, like I always heard the handjob thing, where they say handjobs, but he was talking about how there's places here in LA, many places, that he can get just like fucking full-on hooker sex. | ||
What? | ||
And he says that he's gotten to the point where he has places that has favorite places with his favorite, he's like, yeah, this is like an LA 10 at this one place. | ||
Wow. | ||
And it's $150 and you just fucking sit there and fuck after you do a 15 minute massage. | ||
Whoa. | ||
And he says, I even bring out the women so they can look like the bunny ranch where they all come and say hi and stuff like that. | ||
Wow. | ||
At massage parlors. | ||
Is there a thing where you can get the massage part of your sex massage at the end? | ||
Because I think that would be more relaxing. | ||
They give you a legit massage and then they jerk you off at the end. | ||
I would take the massage at the end though. | ||
The crazy thing is though, really? | ||
Yeah, fast out the gate and then I would get the wind down. | ||
Oh, I see. | ||
So you would go, wow, that's interesting. | ||
For a guy, I think it's the opposite, right? | ||
Give me the massage first and then beat me off. | ||
Don't pee. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Because after you beat me off, I just want to go away. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I'm done. | ||
See ya. | ||
I don't mean to massage. | ||
It's good. | ||
I feel good. | ||
I'm loose. | ||
You gotta go. | ||
You know, when men have an orgasm, there's a fucking instinctive need that you have to overcome to just run. | ||
Like, as soon as you come, just get away. | ||
It's like that in the movies, too. | ||
It's true in real life. | ||
Fuck the movies. | ||
In real life, when a guy comes, I'm telling you, he wants to run away. | ||
I mean, you want to stay if you love your wife or your girlfriend and you have this relationship together. | ||
But if you don't, if you don't know each other that well, then all of a sudden you're fucking like, get me out of here. | ||
What have I done? | ||
I like to snuggle. | ||
I'm a snuggler. | ||
Sometimes. | ||
Sometimes if you really love the girl. | ||
You're a male feminist. | ||
But there's a lot of times when you're not. | ||
There's a lot of times when you just want to run. | ||
Especially if you're drinking. | ||
If you're drinking and you know that somehow or another you've allowed the alcohol and your penis to talk you into some unreasonable situation and then as soon as you orgasm it just becomes clear what the fuck happened and then you want to run away. | ||
Get me out of here. | ||
So what I'm trying to say is it's way better to get the massage first. | ||
Okay. | ||
Loosen you up then jerk off. | ||
We're done. | ||
We're done here. | ||
We're done. | ||
Thank you. | ||
He also said how he got an escort once, and he was in this weird, small town. | ||
It was like 3 o'clock in the morning, and he only had two options on the internet. | ||
He found their websites, and one, the lady was already out doing something else, but the other one would show her eyes only, and then it would show her leg or something like that, because it couldn't show the whole thing. | ||
And so he's like, fuck it, am I going to do this? | ||
And she had a really nice, or seemed really nice on the phone or stuff. | ||
Then she comes over and she had stab wounds. | ||
Her teeth were all fucked up and her voice sounded like PJ Stansberry. | ||
It was like, hey, come over here and stuff like that. | ||
And he said it was so bad that he felt like it was impossible to fuck this girl. | ||
So then he goes, yeah, I have this thing that I like to do. | ||
It's where you give me a blowjob. | ||
I put a blanket over you while I watch porn. | ||
And she's like, alright. | ||
And then afterwards, she's like, do you mind if I finish myself up? | ||
You got me all hot and bothered. | ||
And so she just puts one leg up over him and just starts fucking masturbating. | ||
It's called Skeptic Tank 2. I already should hear Skeptic Tank 2, a death squad podcast, but listen to that. | ||
That's so sad. | ||
I have a friend that has been addicted to going to those massage polishs forever and he's never had a girlfriend as long as I've known him. | ||
I've known him for more than 10 years and more than 10 years that I've known him all this guy does is he's not a very good looking guy and he's Not built very well. | ||
And he went bald really young in life. | ||
And he's never been successful. | ||
And he just has a real hard time. | ||
He gets real nervous around chicks. | ||
So he just goes to these Asian massage places. | ||
He just gets whacked off all the time. | ||
So a good percentage of like... | ||
He doesn't make a lot of money. | ||
So the good percentage of what this guy makes every week goes to just get whacked off. | ||
And like he takes them out on dates sometimes. | ||
He was talking to me about it once. | ||
We were playing pool and he was talking to me about it. | ||
He was like, yeah, well, you know, I'm taking her on a date this Friday. | ||
I go, what? | ||
You're going to... | ||
Okay, alright. | ||
Don't judge him, Joe! | ||
No, no, I'm saying, do you think, is she gonna be your boyfriend? | ||
Are you gonna be her boyfriend? | ||
Like, what's going on? | ||
Like, you guys gonna... | ||
That'd be a good romantic comedy right there. | ||
Yeah, she just waxed off dudes all day and then comes home. | ||
You fall in love with your... | ||
But I felt like the way he was telling me, it was almost like he had talked her into doing it because she didn't want to lose him as a customer. | ||
Times are tough. | ||
When you get that steady $700 a week coming from one dude. | ||
unidentified
|
Yikes. | |
You know, when you think about it. | ||
Can't he just do it himself like every other day or something? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Couldn't he, like, just fucking find a fat chick with a mustache and just be like, look, we can fuck each other once a week, but I have to get really drunk every time I do it. | ||
That's not what he wants, Brian. | ||
He can get jerked up by cute Asian girls. | ||
What are you talking about? | ||
It's a ridiculous option. | ||
He's already plateaued on a higher... | ||
His horizons are set far higher. | ||
You don't understand human nature, son. | ||
You're talking some unrealistic nonsense. | ||
Doesn't work that way, right, Dana? | ||
I... That's right, Joe. | ||
unidentified
|
Back to you. | |
And the traffic today is sponsored by the Fleshlight. | ||
You totally could be working for Entertainment Tonight right now. | ||
We got you as a comic. | ||
unidentified
|
I could get a leg cam. | |
Yeah, a leg cam. | ||
Mary Hart, gotta light my legs real nice. | ||
Oh, that's right. | ||
Do they light her legs up? | ||
Grease them up. | ||
Do they? | ||
She had a leg greaser for sometimes, it seemed like. | ||
Sometimes it would go like Mary Hart's legs were just greasy, like she just had banana oil all over her and shit like that. | ||
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
Isn't that funny, man? | ||
Oh my gosh. | ||
Oh, we're gonna have our own show. | ||
unidentified
|
Yay! | |
Does that make sense to you? | ||
unidentified
|
Let's go ask Mario Lopez. | |
Being a woman, being a woman, seeing, like, men, like, freaking out about body parts and seeing, like, that's all you need to, like, sell a car. | ||
And some woman with slinky legs that, like, folds them over and gets in the front seat. | ||
Yeah. | ||
And everybody wants to buy that fucking Cadillac. | ||
unidentified
|
There's pussy! | |
What is it like, though, to be a professional woman like that? | ||
To be a professional sex symbol? | ||
Like, dudes, they look at you, and 99% of them are thinking about sex. | ||
They're thinking about sex that you've had and what you're selling. | ||
If I wasn't in the business I'm in, I feel like people would probably look at me that way anyway. | ||
No, really? | ||
unidentified
|
Do you know what I'm saying? | |
Yeah. | ||
Why is that? | ||
Because I'm always, like, I'm trying to talk it out with my coworkers and stuff, and I'm like, I think this guy just wants to fuck me because I'm a porn star. | ||
And then, like, Manuel Ferrara looks at me and goes, No, idiot. | ||
They want to fuck you because you're hot. | ||
And I'm like, oh, okay. | ||
Anyone can make up whatever backstory, even if they've seen a digital image on their computer or not. | ||
When you see a hot girl, your imaginations are run wild. | ||
If I worked with you at Bath and Body Works, I would want to fuck you the whole time I was at Bath and Body Works. | ||
Why would I work at Bath and Body Works? | ||
I am not this full of myself. | ||
This is information that I've acquired for my thesis. | ||
No, there's nothing wrong with what you said. | ||
You're being honest. | ||
Yeah, it is honest. | ||
It's also very possible that he wanted to fuck you because he saw you fuck people on film. | ||
And you're a porn star. | ||
I've watched her fuck one time on film, though. | ||
That's fine. | ||
I mean, you can. | ||
That's what it's for. | ||
It's not just like you have to stop looking at me naked because we're friends now. | ||
That's funny. | ||
It's just not the way that it goes. | ||
That's funny. | ||
There's no social taboo between you watching porn that I'm in just because we're friends. | ||
A lot of people that I find in porn, it's kind of strange, there's lines that they draw. | ||
You know, there's very distinct lines. | ||
Like I remember this couple that I met, we were doing the man show and this couple came on and they were talking about how they're allowed to fuck other people while they work. | ||
They're both in porn. | ||
But then off work, you're not allowed to just go randomly fuck people. | ||
unidentified
|
Right. | |
I was like, wow, that's a weird distinction. | ||
How do you figure that one out? | ||
You're okay with them fucking whoever at work. | ||
But that was the other thing. | ||
One guy was on the set and his girlfriend started sucking this guy's dick when the camera wasn't running. | ||
He's like, hey, what the fuck? | ||
And he got all mad. | ||
That's weird. | ||
unidentified
|
How crazy is that? | |
I think that's weird. | ||
How crazy is that? | ||
He's like, he's fucking, you guys aren't even filming. | ||
And she's just sucking, he's like, what? | ||
What's up? | ||
unidentified
|
What's up? | |
I've actually, I've worked with people and they have the same kind of thing where it's like, they can do whatever they want on camera, but the guy has to like stroke himself. | ||
What the fuck? | ||
Like when he's like getting ready to go, like the girl can't help because that's like against their... | ||
It's like maybe they might be the same people. | ||
I don't know. | ||
Isn't that crazy? | ||
But yeah, it's just they're socially monogamous. | ||
They have a rule. | ||
There's a line that you draw. | ||
Well, I used to date a guy in the business and outside of work we didn't fuck around or whatever. | ||
No. | ||
And he did some things that I found were questionable and he was like, there's a camera in the room. | ||
And I was like, you're a fuck. | ||
That's fucked up. | ||
That's not the same thing. | ||
Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
Home porn doesn't count? | ||
No. | ||
No, it has to be paid porn. | ||
Your boundaries are your own, and it doesn't matter what you do for a living just because you're a comedian. | ||
No one's allowed to tell jokes in my house besides me. | ||
That's just not the way that life works. | ||
Right. | ||
But if you have some kind of contract, like marriage, or you're with somebody and you say, okay, well, we live together now, so I don't want you sleeping with other people, even though I do porn for a living. | ||
Do you know what I'm saying? | ||
It's just because that's what you've arranged between the two of you. | ||
That's a weird thing though. | ||
Why arrange anything? | ||
Why make something that someone can't do? | ||
If you're allowing the most sacred of sacred things, you're allowing this person to fuck other people on film, why not just allow them to be themselves? | ||
Why put any boundaries? | ||
Just come here at night and this is where we live. | ||
Because, I don't know, sex is not that sacred to some people. | ||
Maybe. | ||
Because maybe, like, the people that I work with, they don't have my address. | ||
You know what I mean? | ||
And maybe that's a little bit more... | ||
My privacy and my security is more sacred to me than the actual physical act of sex. | ||
That's true. | ||
Yeah, that's true. | ||
It's like pleasure. | ||
It's like, would you get mad every time you masturbated to the video or, you know... | ||
No, what I'm saying is why put a boundary on it, though? | ||
Why put a boundary? | ||
Not necessarily. | ||
I see what you're saying. | ||
What if they're Virgo and they want things to be a certain way so they can be in their realm of comfortability? | ||
Let people do what the fuck they want to do and find someone who you're compatible with instead of trying to morph someone to your expectations? | ||
That's the number one problem with relationships. | ||
Being compatible? | ||
Yeah. | ||
People find people that are incompatible with them and they try to make them fit. | ||
And it doesn't fucking work that way. | ||
If one person's a control freak and the other person's anal... | ||
What if they don't want to do the thing that they've agreed that they don't want to do? | ||
Isn't that compatible? | ||
What? | ||
They've agreed. | ||
You had too many negatives in there. | ||
Sorry. | ||
He took me down a dark road. | ||
What if their compatibility lies that they both, for what reason or another, think it's okay to do porn, but outside of work, they agree to sleep with only each other. | ||
If they come to that together, that's definitely a compatibility. | ||
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
Yeah, good point. | ||
unidentified
|
And it's not based on necessarily judgment or whatever. | |
I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it. | ||
I'm just saying it's an odd thing that you don't have a boundary on someone fucking people on camera, but you do have a boundary with them doing it for pleasure. | ||
On their own. | ||
Right. | ||
With another person. | ||
Because that might be emotional. | ||
Well, it just depends on your point of view of what art is or what porn is or what sex is. | ||
Right. | ||
And it's also because it's understood when you're fucking on film. | ||
Because porn is not really about sex. | ||
Right. | ||
Exactly. | ||
Porn is acting and athleticism. | ||
Athleticism. | ||
unidentified
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That's it. | |
Is that what they're calling ass-fucking these days? | ||
I don't talk like a spider monkey. | ||
I'm a crazy person. | ||
And it's not comfortable. | ||
It's not for you. | ||
It's for the camera. | ||
And it's hard to do something that does not feel good and act like it feels good to you. | ||
You literally get fucked sideways. | ||
Sometimes it really fucking hurts. | ||
Do you ever stretch it out before shoots? | ||
Yeah, I do. | ||
Butt plugs and stuff like that? | ||
I don't need to. | ||
I have a huge butt. | ||
My butthole is humongous. | ||
Is it easy for you to poop faster? | ||
I never poop. | ||
Like can you just sit down and like take care of it in like three seconds and then you just launch it out of there like spores coming off a mushroom. | ||
Like a dandelion. | ||
Yeah. | ||
It's like a t-shirt launcher. | ||
Yeah. | ||
You have to have an airtight toilet. | ||
She has to have an airtight toilet. | ||
She squeezes her legs together and covers her snatch with her hands so the shit doesn't blast out through the bottom of her legs. | ||
She just blows out like a broken fire hydrant. | ||
I'm laughing, but I do not approve of this at all. | ||
Just blam! | ||
She's just hanging on. | ||
She has to take a shower every time she shits. | ||
This is the back of her legs. | ||
Looks like she went skidding down a muddy hill. | ||
There's no container of shit. | ||
Her asshole's like the Lincoln Tunnel. | ||
It's the one-man roast of Dana D'Armand's asshole. | ||
It looks like the back of your shirt when it's raining outside and you're on your bike and the mud is skidded up the back of your shirt. | ||
You're so immature. | ||
I'm laughing because I'm disgusted, not because it's hilarious. | ||
I'm disgusting at myself as well. | ||
It's horrible. | ||
Are you not into butt sex in real life? | ||
I am. | ||
Are you good at sex in real life? | ||
I'm not right. | ||
I think I'm better on film because I like to exaggerate my movements. | ||
Right. | ||
Why don't you do that in real life, lazy bitch? | ||
Are you very stationary? | ||
Are you like, I'm only on the top? | ||
I like to be held down and smushed. | ||
Are you serious? | ||
Smushed down into a Tempur-Pedic bed. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Well, hey, I got one of those. | ||
You like to be dominated. | ||
A little bit. | ||
Yeah, makes sense. | ||
You're a big girl. | ||
Not really... | ||
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
It does. | ||
It makes sense. | ||
Naturally, genetically, you need a strong man to turn you on. | ||
More like being restrained. | ||
You want to feel that if this guy wanted to take it, he could take it. | ||
Sure. | ||
That's what it is. | ||
It's natural. | ||
You're a big girl. | ||
Not bad. | ||
Not in a bad way. | ||
You are a good specimen. | ||
If you wanted to make warrior children, you'd be a good specimen. | ||
I would. | ||
Warrior children with flexible buttholes. | ||
You have the perfect DNA for it. | ||
Yes. | ||
Is it hard to date people as a porn star, do you find? | ||
Or is it more of a challenge, do you think? | ||
It depends on the person. | ||
I dated a guy a couple years ago, and when we met, he knew what I did and stuff like that, and I did not want to be involved with him. | ||
And then... | ||
We started sleeping together after a really long time. | ||
It kind of warmed me down a little bit. | ||
It was kind of fucked up. | ||
We weren't off to a good start, I'll admit. | ||
I get bored too. | ||
After we started dating or fucking and dating... | ||
He then looked at porn that I was in and decided that he wanted to be a spaz about it and be like, I don't know. | ||
Knowing you do those types of things, I don't know. | ||
And I'm like, yeah, you already knew, but now you want to be bothered because you're a drama queen. | ||
It has nothing to do with what I do. | ||
It's just that, you know, this person's a little drama. | ||
Feelings were also getting, you know, starting now. | ||
Before it was like zero feelings. | ||
I just want to fuck you. | ||
Now it's starting to cut, like love gets involved, you know? | ||
I think that's probably a natural... | ||
But part of the whole process of wearing me down is like, I don't judge you. | ||
Like, I think, no, it's fine. | ||
It's like really great because you're really successful. | ||
And then I just kind of like kind of nosedived into like this, ah, you do those things. | ||
I think for a lot of men, it's very important when they meet a girl that they're sexually attracted to, they want that girl to like them. | ||
And I think that is the root of a lot of bullshit. | ||
And the guys don't even realize they're doing it. | ||
It's a genetic thing. | ||
It's a predisposition to wanting to be sexually attractive. | ||
And so they start pretending to be someone who they're not. | ||
And then they get into the relationship, and then it's a couple months in, and they're relaxed and comfortable. | ||
And they're like, why am I with this crazy bitch? | ||
I'm not even into this. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Yeah, it's like there's a lot of dudes that are just trying to put it together. | ||
They don't have the luxury of actually being honest and trying to meet someone that they actually like. | ||
They're so caught up in the game of trying to fuck a chick and it's so difficult for them that when they finally get one, they tackle her, they get it in there, they're like, got one, good, okay. | ||
What did I pretend to be doing to do this? | ||
I'm not a fucking vegan. | ||
I want a steak. | ||
Shit. | ||
That's a tough one. | ||
You start wearing yoga beads and stuff. | ||
There's dudes that will, you know, they meet a girl that's willing to fuck them like once every couple months and they gotta work hard to take it down. | ||
Just keep it going. | ||
Just keep it going. | ||
So they pretend to be someone they're not. | ||
It's like spitting plates. | ||
It's just sex. | ||
What's the big deal? | ||
What we do together is love. | ||
That's just a movie you're making. | ||
Oh yeah, that same drama guy, he was like... | ||
I was like... | ||
Being really depressed or something like that. | ||
And he wanted to lay it on me like, you can't live inside your own pain. | ||
And I love you. | ||
And I was like, get the fuck out of my mouth. | ||
I was like, you're creeping me out. | ||
You're being weird. | ||
I don't know where you heard that shit. | ||
Get the fuck out of my mouth. | ||
unidentified
|
You heard that. | |
Because that is something you would hear. | ||
That's not something you think of. | ||
That's nonsense. | ||
Yeah, I was like, you're full of shit. | ||
Get out. | ||
Never come back. | ||
The worst. | ||
Delete my phone number. | ||
The most sexually unattractive thing ever is someone who's full of shit. | ||
Ugh, so gross. | ||
It's just so gross. | ||
People who are full of shit, like, oh, God, it's such a bummer, you know, when you hear someone say some nonsense, and then you have to mock them, and then they get mad at you for mocking them, and then it all fucking falls apart. | ||
I used to date this girl who used to write poetry, and it was nonsense! | ||
unidentified
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It was nonsense! | |
I mean, it was her form of expression, but it was so clearly affected and fake and just designed to fucking fire off all the rights. | ||
It was just so artificial, so clear, so clear that it was just bullshit that she was slinging. | ||
It was so offensive. | ||
Are you a poetry snob, though? | ||
I like Bukowski. | ||
unidentified
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What about Bukowski? | |
I love Bukowski. | ||
You know what I love about Bukowski? | ||
A lot of his stories are really dark. | ||
But that's a fuck what that guy's thinking about. | ||
For real. | ||
That is his real life. | ||
That's what he's thinking about. | ||
That's all I require of an artist. | ||
What inflames me is when I think someone is trying to pretend to be someone else. | ||
Whether it's a human or a singer or a comedian or an actor. | ||
I feel like you're bullshitting me. | ||
I feel like you're bullshitting me. | ||
It's offensive. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
You know, you're treating me your fucking crazy poetry hooker? | ||
It's insulting to your intelligence. | ||
You're mad at me that I'm laughing at this nonsense? | ||
Tell us a horror story from doing porn. | ||
What's one thing that sticks out just you fucking, like, just awful experience? | ||
Did you ever, like, say, okay, never again? | ||
I used to do a lot of BDSM stuff where I was a sub and I would get beaten. | ||
Explain that to everybody who's not crazy. | ||
That's so mean. | ||
BDSM? Most people don't have any idea what that means. | ||
Bonded? | ||
Sadomasochism. | ||
S&M is sadomasochism. | ||
And when you say a sub, you are the one that they tortured. | ||
Submissive and dominant. | ||
So it's bondage and... | ||
Dominatrix. | ||
Some shit like that. | ||
It's like a code. | ||
I don't know. | ||
Whatever. | ||
Right. | ||
It's like being in the army. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
When we talk about IEDs and shit. | ||
Yeah. | ||
It's like being in ROTC. It's all extreme things. | ||
We try to invent little shortenings of them. | ||
Oh, yeah. | ||
So, yeah, it would be like electrocuted and tied up in bodge. | ||
unidentified
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Oh, wow. | |
And like, you know, hit with different... | ||
Electrocute where? | ||
Your nipples. | ||
Everywhere. | ||
Nipples, like in your body with like... | ||
Your pussy? | ||
Pads, my pussy inside, inside my butthole. | ||
Oh, my God! | ||
Like, while in, like, very strict bondage and stuff like that. | ||
Oh, my God. | ||
Whoa, whoa, whoa. | ||
It was very challenging, you know, and it was something that I was really legitimately interested in when I was in my early 20s, and it's something that I thought that maybe, you know, so I consider myself to be kind of a tough person, and I felt like if I met these challenges, it would prove how tough I was. | ||
God damn. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I don't know. | ||
You got electrocuted inside your butthole. | ||
What percentage of the population has ever been electrocuted inside their butthole? | ||
unidentified
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I don't know. | |
You're one of the few. | ||
I mean, they produce like the tens units and I mean, they're sold like as medical equipment and stuff like that. | ||
I'm sure a fair amount of people have gotten their hands on them. | ||
You know, so... | ||
And so when you get your hands off some medical equipment, what's the first thing you do? | ||
You say, well, let me stick this thing in my ass and turn this bitch on and see what's up. | ||
What was that, 9-volt battery on your asshole? | ||
unidentified
|
Well, there's people that are into, like, sounding and sounding. | |
Like, put a pitchfork in your urethra. | ||
Right when you're about to come, stick that 9-volt up your ass. | ||
Oh, shit! | ||
It'd be like Iron Man loads. | ||
I don't think it works that way, Joe. | ||
You don't know, though. | ||
Oh, I think I do. | ||
unidentified
|
It makes modem sounds. | |
Yeah, but penis, it might make the guy shoot while her loads. | ||
I think I have more experience with more penises than you. | ||
What do you got? | ||
You don't know that. | ||
I'm more than willing to submit to you on this. | ||
Yes. | ||
I'm alpha-ing the entire room. | ||
No, me. | ||
So how long did this whole session take? | ||
Were they electrocuting your vagina and your asshole? | ||
Oh, man. | ||
It was a first site called WiredPussy.com. | ||
WiredPussy? | ||
unidentified
|
WiredPussy, yeah. | |
So it's all electrocuting pussies? | ||
Yeah. | ||
It's like female on female subdom. | ||
And they electrocute each other's pussies. | ||
Yeah, and they play games like who can take the most electricity, or they'll chase blindfolded and partially tied up women around with a cattle prod that makes noise, and you can either go toward it or away from the sound, but if you go away from the sound... | ||
Just when I thought I reached the bottom of the darkness of the internet, there's an electrocute your pussy website. | ||
That's where I started. | ||
Have you ever had your pee hole fucked? | ||
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
What the fuck, Ryan? | ||
You've seen that. | ||
We've talked about this before. | ||
Yeah, there's videos out there of guys fucking girls' pee holes. | ||
My pee hole's like really small. | ||
And it stretches just like your asshole. | ||
I can't, no. | ||
I'm very sensitive in my whole vagina area. | ||
Oh my god, really? | ||
Don't say never. | ||
You gotta reach goals. | ||
You gotta build... | ||
Oh, that one doesn't really... | ||
God, Ryan. | ||
...like modifying my body. | ||
I went through a phase of like piercing and stuff like that when I was younger. | ||
Can you have some tattoo above the cookie? | ||
I do, but I'm having it removed. | ||
And that is so fucking painful. | ||
It's worse than any butthole electrocution I've ever gotten. | ||
To get laser tattoo removal is so painful. | ||
It agitates the ink molecule in your skin and makes it explode with each treatment. | ||
It gets smaller and smaller and it metabolizes out of your body. | ||
So you have to wait a couple months in between sessions just long enough that you can forget how much fucking pain you're in. | ||
You have to go in and do it again. | ||
Fuck that. | ||
I'm just keeping waterfalls. | ||
I've got an old tattoo on my shoulder that I want to... | ||
It's around my belly button. | ||
I've got a sleeve that I'm doing on my right arm and I have an old tattoo up here that I have to get removed. | ||
I've been putting it off. | ||
Just get a big black box on. | ||
Get some black flag tattoo. | ||
How much worse is it than the actual tattooing? | ||
It's so much worse because you have to go like 20 times. | ||
Really? | ||
Mine's old. | ||
You can feel the impact of the laser going into your skin. | ||
It feels like being snapped with a rubber band really hard. | ||
It instantly burns and it makes your skin swell up. | ||
When you get a tattoo, it kind of scratches the surface of your skin. | ||
When you get lasered, it's affecting the color inside your skin, so the blood kind of seeps out like a sponge. | ||
I'm going to wait 10 years. | ||
I'm going to wait for the technology to get a little bit better. | ||
You just turned me the fuck off to that laser tattoo removal. | ||
Don't do it. | ||
I'm thinking about cooking my arm like that. | ||
I'm like, what am I doing to my arm? | ||
You could damage your skin. | ||
No, I mean, it's safe. | ||
It doesn't scar. | ||
It doesn't? | ||
No. | ||
I mean, that's the purpose of it being such a long, slow process. | ||
I mean, you could just cut it off if you wanted to. | ||
But I wouldn't say that that's the best idea ever. | ||
So let me ask you this. | ||
If wiredpussy.com calls you up next week and says, hey, we're looking to do a shoot, are you done with that? | ||
Yeah. | ||
I would top. | ||
I've gone back to be the dom into Torture Girls and stuff because I feel like I can confidently say I know what I'm doing and I wouldn't do something to somebody else that I haven't had done to myself. | ||
Yeah, but look at what you've done to yourself. | ||
Because I know what it feels like. | ||
I know. | ||
And if they're not a badass bitch like me, then they don't get to fuck me. | ||
Would you ever do fart porn? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I fart all the time in my movies. | ||
You fart in your movies? | ||
It's just like when you get fucked in the ass, like your butt is open and gaping is like the big thing where they want to see your lower colon. | ||
They want to see it all in HD, Blooming, 3D. Why? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Jesus. | ||
I don't know why people like it. | ||
They just do. | ||
And just whatever. | ||
So the air goes into your chasm and then you have to kind of fart it out. | ||
It's not like I fart. | ||
I'm eating a can of beans like a hobo and then I'm going to light my farts on fire. | ||
Have you accidentally ever sprayed? | ||
unidentified
|
No. | |
No. | ||
I think I've accidentally peed on people at work and then be like, I'm squirting! | ||
Or whatever. | ||
I don't know. | ||
What is squirting exactly? | ||
Is it really? | ||
When in the movies where a girl's like shooting, obviously you can see it coming out of her pee hole. | ||
I'm assuming that a lot of people that watch these movies don't know what a vagina looks like or anything. | ||
And they don't know where all the liquid shooting out of the girl's Vagina area or her love zone or whatever nerds call it. | ||
But isn't a pee hole? | ||
But hold on a second. | ||
Because that's where it would come out anyway. | ||
Because isn't a pee hole like literally when a woman gets testosterone treatment to become a man, her clit grows to become like a small penis. | ||
unidentified
|
Pussy boner. | |
And that the penis is obviously where any sexual ejaculate would come out of. | ||
So of course it's going to come out of where you pee. | ||
I don't really know. | ||
unidentified
|
What is it? | |
Is it real? | ||
I mean, this is like Bigfoot. | ||
I mean, I used to date a girl that fucking juiced on me, and it was like in my belly button like a puddle, and it wasn't pee, though. | ||
It was just, it was like a broth. | ||
You know, when the woman's vagina gets moist, it's not dripping out of her pee hole. | ||
It's coming from inside. | ||
I don't think this is moistening. | ||
It's not lubricant. | ||
That's what squirting is supposed to be. | ||
unidentified
|
Really? | |
And when you see it coming out of the pee hole, it's pee. | ||
Whoa. | ||
I didn't know that it was supposed to come out of the vagina like that. | ||
And a lot of times when you see this Spider-Man trick that they do when they finger the pussy and they press... | ||
Spider-Man? | ||
So you do the fingers like when Spider-Man is shooting his web? | ||
Yeah. | ||
This is like the Axel Braun method. | ||
I watched instructional videos and I was like, what are they doing? | ||
And they're basically just pushing on the bladder and just forcing pee to come out. | ||
Jesus Christ. | ||
What? | ||
Yeah. | ||
And they're just pissing all over each other. | ||
That's exactly what it is. | ||
If you had to force pee out of somebody, that's exactly how you would do it. | ||
So that's what all that spraying is. | ||
So girls are spraying on dudes, they're pissing all over them. | ||
Yeah, unless they have an extra juicy G-spot or something like that. | ||
I'm not going to say female ejaculation is a myth because I'm not a doctor and I can't say that. | ||
I mean, and you know, pussies get wet and some pussies are wetter than others. | ||
Yeah. | ||
We're talking to an expert here, Dana D'Armand here live on the podcast. | ||
Not a doctor, not a doctor. | ||
Hey, call in now. | ||
Can you put a condom on a dick with just putting it in your mouth and doing that trick? | ||
I cannot even remember the last time I used a condom. | ||
God damn! | ||
Wow. | ||
Do you ever worry about diseases? | ||
No, I get tested every three weeks. | ||
So how do you keep clean when you're just a raw dog? | ||
Because everybody gets tested every three weeks. | ||
Right. | ||
Then you have... | ||
Three weeks for a porn star, though? | ||
Jesus Christ. | ||
You don't do like four scenes a day. | ||
How many sorry dicks can you be exposed to in three weeks? | ||
Well, like I worked with Mark Wood twice last week, so it's like the same wiener. | ||
Same wiener, same week. | ||
You guys develop like a relationship when you have like sort of an on-screen... | ||
Yeah. | ||
I mean, I think the people I work with are cool. | ||
It's not like I'm like, ooh, like, I'm so super corny for you. | ||
Let's do things after this. | ||
How many of them wanted to do? | ||
Like, he's married to Francesca Lay, you know, and they're fucking awesome. | ||
And I know both of them. | ||
I've worked with both of them. | ||
How many of the dudes that are in porn wanted to do mainstream things but couldn't make it and have some sort of a weird thing where they... | ||
I don't know. | ||
It seems to be like a lot of guys are musicians. | ||
And they're all trying to get together a band with all the other dudes. | ||
Slingin' Dick. | ||
That's what they should call it. | ||
That'd be a badass name for a band. | ||
Slingin' Dick. | ||
Slingin' Dick. | ||
Maybe I'm a... | ||
I don't know. | ||
Maybe I'm just like, oh, I'm at work. | ||
I'm doing my work things, but I don't really ask people too much about their personal lives. | ||
Have you ever worked with Tyler Knight? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Tyler's a very good friend of mine. | ||
We were actually just both on Star Trek The Next Generation. | ||
Oh, really? | ||
A triple X parody. | ||
Digital Sun. | ||
unidentified
|
Nice. | |
And Revolution X. Coming soon. | ||
And that was like a big dream for you. | ||
And he was Jordi. | ||
Yeah, and I was. | ||
She's a huge Star Trek fan. | ||
unidentified
|
I'm a nerd. | |
She's fucking. | ||
I was stoked. | ||
I called my dad and I was like, I'm reading for the part of Ensign Row for the Star Trek parody. | ||
And he was like, that's so cool! | ||
And I was like, no dad, if I don't get this part, I'll die. | ||
Like super seriously like, no, I need, this has to be my part or I'm freaking out. | ||
Tyler is a friend of mine from Jiu Jitsu and he's a really good writer. | ||
Have you ever read any of his stuff? | ||
No. | ||
He's got a blog online. | ||
He's smart. | ||
He's very smart. | ||
He's such a cool guy. | ||
He's cute and he's smart and he's very polite. | ||
Yeah. | ||
He's very well spoken. | ||
He was on the podcast. | ||
unidentified
|
Nice smile. | |
We had him on, and he's a fascinating dude. | ||
But I already knew that from talking to him at jiu-jitsu and stuff. | ||
But his writing is great. | ||
Really interesting stuff. | ||
And his writing's about the porn business. | ||
He's got this one story that he wrote about a gangbang that is just like, you fucking feel the loads on the floor as you're reading it. | ||
You feel this sticky room. | ||
You feel the heat of all these guys behind you. | ||
He does a masterful job of describing this fucking incredibly gonzo, bizarre... | ||
Yeah. | ||
Film that they're doing. | ||
I mean, you get paid 50 bucks and you wait in line. | ||
You're like one of a hundred guys waiting to, you know, and you're jerking yourself off as you're getting up to this girl who's just covered in loads. | ||
There's loads all over the ground. | ||
Everywhere you walk, there's loads. | ||
unidentified
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Wet. | |
It's just like slippery and wet. | ||
You're stepping in guys' loads. | ||
unidentified
|
Everywhere you go. | |
I've never done one of those. | ||
There's these little signs that say slippery when wet that they have to put up around the woman. | ||
You know, like at a restaurant. | ||
That would be awesome. | ||
Who was the first person to do that? | ||
Was it Houston? | ||
Was she the first? | ||
I have no idea. | ||
It was probably before I was born. | ||
Because the numbers just keep going up. | ||
At one point in time, it was like the most people... | ||
Some Asian woman, I think. | ||
She had sex with like 200. Sex. | ||
Annabella Chong. | ||
It's a fascinating documentary. | ||
And like you, she's very intelligent. | ||
She's very unusual. | ||
I think she was a student at UCLA. I might be wrong. | ||
UCLA or USC, but she's an intelligent person. | ||
And she just had this weird desire to test the boundaries of her acceptable sexuality by doing a gangbang film. | ||
But it was really interesting. | ||
They really got into her psychology and who she is. | ||
I'm like, this is a complex sort of a fucking case where this woman wants to experience the ultimate taboo. | ||
My agent called me one time and he was like, what's the most number of cocks you'll suck? | ||
And I was like, I don't fucking care! | ||
And he was like... | ||
You know, how about eleven? | ||
And I was like, fine. | ||
Like, what difference does it make if I fuck eleven dudes in the same day or in pairs of, you know, ones, twos, and threes on five different days? | ||
Well, I would just imagine that after, like, the third or fourth giant black cock, your lips would start to get numb. | ||
No. | ||
In your head, though, is eleven cock days. | ||
Because you're, like, fucking, like, the same amount of time. | ||
When you stretch your mouth, like, you're like... | ||
That seems like it would make your lips numb after a while. | ||
You've got a huge mouth. | ||
I do have a huge mouth. | ||
It's good for my career. | ||
Comes in handy? | ||
Now, did you know that you wanted to be a porn star when you were younger? | ||
No. | ||
I actually did part of this as a bit with the Midnight Show guys. | ||
They did This Is Your Life, Bob Guccione. | ||
The Midnight Show guys? | ||
Yeah, UCB. Oh, okay. | ||
You know, Hal Redneck and stuff. | ||
And... | ||
I was like, oh, this is your life, Bob Guccione. | ||
And I come out and I'm like, oh, I've been such a big fan of you forever and stuff. | ||
Because when I was in the first grade, probably six years old, I found a stack of Playboy magazines that were... | ||
In the woods? | ||
No, they were my uncle's. | ||
My uncle stayed with us part-time. | ||
unidentified
|
In the attic? | |
No, they were just out in his room. | ||
And I remember I took one of those magazines to school, to first grade. | ||
And I was like, this is what a naked lady looks like. | ||
I was such a boy. | ||
I was such a tomboy when I was that age. | ||
But even then I was like, this is what a sexy lady looks like. | ||
And I want to grow up and this is... | ||
I want to turn out like this, a sexy lady. | ||
That appealed to me. | ||
I thought, wow, she's gorgeous. | ||
She's all made up. | ||
She's pretty and naked and thin, nice boobs. | ||
And I was like, yeah, that really appealed to me. | ||
Were you attracted to girls before you started doing movies? | ||
Yeah. | ||
And I also thought, like, if I don't turn out to be this, I had, like, a failsafe in my brain. | ||
I was like, if I don't turn out to be a sexy lady, I would at least want to be with one. | ||
Like, have one, like, as my girlfriend or, like, just, you know, be in the presence of that because it was appealing to me and I found it attractive. | ||
I'm a gay. | ||
I'm a big gay. | ||
unidentified
|
You got a lot going on. | |
I came on your show because I want to say that I'm out. | ||
I have a big pussy boner. | ||
And I have a pussy boner. | ||
And I take it in ass. | ||
So how did you get into your first film? | ||
How did it come about? | ||
How old were you? | ||
How long have you been doing this? | ||
Shoot. | ||
Seven years. | ||
I was 24 when I got in. | ||
I'll be 32 in June. | ||
And what were you doing before that? | ||
I was a stripper. | ||
I was a drunk stripper, too. | ||
The best kind. | ||
And how did someone approach you and say, hey, I like the way you dance? | ||
No, absolutely not. | ||
No, I actually quit drinking. | ||
I think I already told this story on your show, maybe. | ||
I quit drinking, and I got fired from being a stripper, and I had been thinking about applying to this porn site because it had fucking machines on it. | ||
And this is how I got into the business. | ||
Fucking machines? | ||
Just of sheer, morbid curiosity of fucking a robot. | ||
And just really thinking about it. | ||
And I used to masturbate in the shower. | ||
Right, but fucking a robot and fucking a robot on the internet. | ||
And I heard it's awful. | ||
By the way, what was your experience like fucking a machine? | ||
I had a lot of fun. | ||
Really? | ||
Brian's talked to girls as fuck robots. | ||
I actually talked about it today. | ||
No joke. | ||
Really? | ||
This comes up all the time for Brian. | ||
That's hilarious. | ||
You just have that face that people feel like they can approach you and talk about fucking robots. | ||
He seems like the kind of guy who'd be into it. | ||
You're really kind of into nerdy things. | ||
Just have one of those faces. | ||
So yeah, I just ended up applying to that site and that's how I got to do all the bondage stuff is because it's the same company, ran Hog Tide and Wired Pussy and all these holes. | ||
And they even have a female wrestling site, Ultimate Surrender, where they have women wrestling. | ||
So they've got the market cornered on kinky pain shit. | ||
Yeah, absolutely. | ||
What a weird business. | ||
That's huge. | ||
They bought the armory up in San Francisco. | ||
It's basically a castle. | ||
You know what? | ||
I saw that online. | ||
Or on a television show, rather. | ||
There was some sort of an expose on it about how much money they make and how big their business is. | ||
Huge. | ||
Enormous. | ||
But they also really improve that neighborhood. | ||
They give back to their community. | ||
They do a lot of stuff. | ||
They open... | ||
They're drill court to, you know, when they have parades and shit, like people can set up their floats. | ||
They open their private business to the community to do things or have swap meets inside there. | ||
It's not like it's a crazy jungle of naked people running around and fucking heathens. | ||
They're people in offices on computers. | ||
San Francisco is a place where that would be accepted. | ||
San Francisco is... | ||
In my opinion, it's the most open-minded city in the whole country. | ||
You'd be surprised. | ||
They were in the Wall Street Journal talking about, like, people are... | ||
We know there's people fucking in there. | ||
Well, it doesn't matter. | ||
There's always going to be some people like that. | ||
You have kids. | ||
Your neighbors have kids. | ||
Where do you think their neighbors come from? | ||
The amount of people that would support it would be much larger in San Francisco than anywhere else. | ||
Of course, you're always going to come across people that are very vocal, that want to fight something. | ||
But all in all, San Francisco is the most open-minded city, I think, in the whole country. | ||
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
We should do a study on that. | ||
I mean, could you imagine that happening in Chicago where there's a whole block filled with, you know, people that are tying people up and fucking them with rubber robots and shit? | ||
You know? | ||
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
That could only take place in, like, San Francisco. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
I don't think there's any other place that would accept something like that. | ||
New York, maybe? | ||
I mean, it seems like New York has a lot of fucking other bondage clubs. | ||
New York and L.A. would be the only other options, I think. | ||
And I think they'd be met with a lot more resistance in New York and L.A. Also, like, Europe, anywhere. | ||
Yeah, of course. | ||
Berlin, Budapest, I was in Berlin and I turned on the television and... | ||
No, not Berlin. | ||
Oberhausen? | ||
Oberhausen. | ||
And I turned on the television and there was a gangbang on TV. Just a full-on gangbang. | ||
There's just no warning. | ||
Just flipping through the channels. | ||
Yeah, there's ten people fucking in a room. | ||
I'm like, wow, this is wild. | ||
They have a totally different attitude about it. | ||
They just show the shit on television. | ||
Pretty intense. | ||
What are you doing there, Brian? | ||
I just looked at the basis for Alice in Chains died. | ||
What? | ||
When? | ||
Of what? | ||
Mike Starr. | ||
I don't know him. | ||
So you don't care? | ||
Fuck him. | ||
He was on Celebrity Rehab. | ||
I don't know if you remember him. | ||
Charlie Sheen. | ||
Yeah, it looks like they found his body in Salt Lake City. | ||
Charlie Sheen lives. | ||
Winning. | ||
Still alive. | ||
Barely. | ||
He doesn't have tiger blood. | ||
I don't know. | ||
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|
He doesn't have Adonis DNA. He's not a frickin' rock star from Mars. | |
Well, I guess that guy probably didn't have to pay girls $30,000 to have sex with him either. | ||
Oh, he probably has. | ||
He's got a lot of money. | ||
Shit. | ||
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
Make things happen. | ||
But he's a rock star. | ||
The crazy thing is, Charlie's so cute. | ||
He's not like a doughy, slippery, sweaty guy with five kids. | ||
Because that's what I see when I see Charlie Sheen. | ||
I would rather fuck a rock star than, like, somebody that has fucking five kids. | ||
Well, the crazy thing is that Charlie Sheen calls himself a rock star, but he's on this really family sitcom. | ||
I, like, forgot that he wasn't dead for, like, the longest. | ||
He's on this complete family sitcom, you know? | ||
I mean, it's like this really bland, you know, kind of... | ||
You know, it's no edge to it. | ||
It's, like, really vanilla, you know? | ||
It's the number one comedy for some reason. | ||
I talked to my friend today, and he watches it every week, and I'm like, really? | ||
You watch that show? | ||
There's like a fat kid, Charlie Sheen, and like a gay guy. | ||
Yeah, but he's like, well, it's the exact same show every week. | ||
It's like the same premise every week, but he's like, it's one of those shows you can just kind of watch, and it's easy to watch. | ||
It's smooth enough. | ||
It's smooth. | ||
And it's funny enough. | ||
Well, you know what, man? | ||
Reality television has proven that you don't really need to be that funny to get people to watch it. | ||
It needs to become a part of their everyday existence. | ||
They get like, let's see what's going on on Ice Road Truckers. | ||
Shit, the boys are on a slippery road again! | ||
Again. | ||
Imagine that. | ||
Ice Road Truckers. | ||
There's a show about slippery roads. | ||
If that can exist, you can have a show about anything. | ||
In a sitcom that's been around for a while, it's fairly decent, it's got a few good laughs in it. | ||
But I bet for Charlie Sheen, he's smoking coke and banging whores, and then he's going and doing this super bland television show. | ||
I bet that built up inside of him. | ||
I bet that made him go more over the edge. | ||
I really do believe that. | ||
His character was pretty much himself, though, in that show. | ||
I mean, it might have been a vanilla show, but he still was a drunk guy that just fucked a bunch of chicks. | ||
I mean, it was like he wasn't really off his road a little. | ||
No, no, no, sure. | ||
What? | ||
Can he act? | ||
Fuck yeah. | ||
Can we see Platoon? | ||
Can we see Wall Street? | ||
Charlie Sheen can act his fucking ass off. | ||
I didn't see either, though. | ||
Listen, Charlie Sheen was a bad motherfucker when he was a young man. | ||
I've seen Ferris Bueller stay off. | ||
He's not in that, does he? | ||
Yeah, he's in the office. | ||
Oh, yeah. | ||
He's like the really hot guy that's in trouble and the girl's there with him. | ||
Yeah, Jennifer Grey. | ||
His original nose. | ||
She's all excited about him. | ||
What was the movie that Charlie Sheen... | ||
What the fuck? | ||
That wasn't a bad nose. | ||
That's your nose, hooker. | ||
What was the movie that Charlie Sheen... | ||
unidentified
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He was in Hot Shots, he was in Scary Movie 3 or 4. What was the movie that Charlie Sheen played himself? | |
But it played like him, like he was friends with the main character. | ||
I think of John Malkovich. | ||
Yes, John Malkovich. | ||
That was an awesome cameo with him in it. | ||
Do you remember that? | ||
No, hardly. | ||
As far as I can tell, he plays himself, I think. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I don't know. | ||
Charlie Sheen, you see Platoon. | ||
He's a bad motherfucker. | ||
I haven't seen that. | ||
You see Wall Street. | ||
Is that bad? | ||
It's very good. | ||
It's all fucking good. | ||
You know what holds up, dude? | ||
What? | ||
Silence of the Lambs. | ||
Holds the fuck up. | ||
I watched Silence of the Lambs the other night. | ||
It's a good goddamn movie still. | ||
It still holds up. | ||
Put that fucking lotion in the basket. | ||
Yeah, it's good, man. | ||
It's well written. | ||
It's well acted. | ||
She was a big girl. | ||
Dude, fucking Anthony Hopkins was a bad motherfucker in that movie. | ||
Still, you know he's become like this guy that does these movies that suck. | ||
He played the Wolfman's dad. | ||
He's possessed by a demon in every movie. | ||
Every single movie. | ||
You didn't see the Wolfman, did you? | ||
No, but he was also in Super Mario Brothers, wasn't he? | ||
He was in something fucking retarded. | ||
Even in the Wolfman, which is a terrible movie, he still has these scenes, these moments where he's just this... | ||
Bad motherfucker. | ||
He's just doing crappy-ass movies. | ||
But you go back to Silence of the Lambs and you realize what he's capable of, if he gets a good script, if he gets a good part. | ||
Anthony Hopkins just smashes it out of the ballpark in that movie. | ||
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
Fucking smashes it, dude. | ||
He's so on, like it crackles. | ||
Like, it makes you nervous for her while she's talking to him. | ||
Like, you fucking believe 100%. | ||
That dude has murder in his mind. | ||
When he's talking and he's talking to her, Anthony Hopkins is fucking thinking about eating her. | ||
He's thinking about cutting her. | ||
He's allowing himself to go to some crazy, dark place where he's acting. | ||
Where you can tell, like, that's really what he's fucking thinking about, man. | ||
He can turn it on. | ||
He can go to that dark, crazy, psychotic, worst-case scenario human example. | ||
He can go there in his mind. | ||
That's the difference, man. | ||
It's just like comedy, man. | ||
It's like you have to really be fucking thinking about what you're saying. | ||
There's not just the words and the noises that represent certain things to me. | ||
I got to know that you're thinking about these things as you're saying them. | ||
That's the difference between a great performance and a performance that's just kind of mediocre and can trick dummies. | ||
If someone's really nailing it. | ||
I told a 22-year-old actor that just got here from LA, I was like, acting is just pretending like you don't know what you're going to say next, and he got so offended, and he ended up moving back to Tennessee. | ||
unidentified
|
Fuck you! | |
Can't take the heat, stay out of the kitchen, bitch! | ||
Listen, if that's all that set this fucking kid off, with some porn star telling him that acting is fake, I've always said that if you can lie, you can act, and if you can lie to a crazy girlfriend, you can act under pressure. | ||
It's not that hard. | ||
It's just pretending. | ||
The hard thing is auditions. | ||
Auditions are way harder because you have to pretend that it's happening when you're in this really unrealistic scenario. | ||
You're sitting in this office and there's people in desks, chairs, and they're facing you with paper in their hand. | ||
They're reading off the paper and you're responding like it's real. | ||
You're like, this is just too strange. | ||
It doesn't ring real to me. | ||
I don't really do well in those types of scenarios. | ||
Have you done any 3D movies for real? | ||
Yeah, I just did three penthouse movies. | ||
And how do they differ from doing regular movies? | ||
Do they make you do weird angles, like you have to spread your lips out towards the cameras? | ||
Well, like when you disrobe or something, you would sort of throw your clothes toward the camera or put one leg off the bed, kind of tangling toward the camera or something. | ||
What about when guys shoot loads? | ||
Do they shoot them at the camera? | ||
I don't really notice. | ||
I'm kind of in the zone during that part of the filming. | ||
If you don't have a pillow behind you, you don't want to smash your head on the headboard. | ||
The camera has to be eight feet away for the 3D effect to work. | ||
unidentified
|
Clearly, you've never seen my loads. | |
You're very far away. | ||
You've never seen the distance I can get. | ||
What is it about some dudes eat, like Peter North? | ||
What does that guy eat to make so much sperm? | ||
It's ridiculous. | ||
Zinc supplements? | ||
Is that what it is? | ||
unidentified
|
Zinc. | |
I gotta remember this. | ||
My ex-boyfriend told me also PC exercises, like the muscle that you use to stop your pee. | ||
Oh, right. | ||
You know, like a Kegel, like a woman has a Kegel muscle, like the PC muscle is what guys have, I guess. | ||
Apparently, if you just do that a lot, it can strengthen the muscle and you'll shoot further. | ||
Really? | ||
Yeah. | ||
I'm doing it right now. | ||
Some people just drink egg whites. | ||
I'm exercising it right now. | ||
Egg whites? | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
They think if it looks like loads, loads will come out more. | ||
That's some wives tales type shit. | ||
It's probably psychological, man. | ||
It's probably some placebo effect. | ||
It's like The Secret, but with loads. | ||
The Secret. | ||
Put it on your vision board. | ||
Huge loads. | ||
I'm going to shoot the longest load ever. | ||
What do you think is the furthest anyone's ever shoot a load? | ||
Because I remember hitting myself in the face once when I was 16 and being shocked. | ||
I pulled out and Sometimes they just zip past my face. | ||
I still do that. | ||
I make it rain all the time. | ||
Why is this squirting on my forehead? | ||
Sometimes they go really far. | ||
What's the furthest you think anybody's ever shot a load? | ||
Spider-Man. | ||
What is the furthest? | ||
Is it even five feet? | ||
Probably more, right? | ||
I would say so. | ||
It depends if you have an arc or... | ||
What the temperature's like, if there's the headwinds. | ||
Yeah, yeah. | ||
unidentified
|
It's like Tiger Woods golf. | |
Depends on how long your dick is. | ||
Because a guy like some giant dick John Holmes type dude would have a massive advantage. | ||
He's got a six inch reach advantage. | ||
It's like John Jones. | ||
But maybe it loses some pressure going through that long of a tick. | ||
Dude, I like the way you're thinking. | ||
Scientifically, I like that. | ||
Maybe a shorter barrel... | ||
We'll get more of an explosion. | ||
You got a lot. | ||
It makes sense, right? | ||
Like a.38 Special. | ||
But it seems like a rifle would be much more accurate, right? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Here's a little tip, by the way. | ||
If you put a little bit of green... | ||
Shotgun, just bunk shot. | ||
Like St. Paddy's Day. | ||
St. Paddy's Day. | ||
This is awesome. | ||
St. Paddy's Day. | ||
Put a little bit of green food coloring around your dick before you have sex. | ||
And when you shoot out, it actually is green. | ||
Yeah, that's good. | ||
And what if you make a baby and it fucking looks like the Hulk? | ||
A green baby, because that could happen. | ||
Stupid asshole. | ||
What if you ruin the baby? | ||
What if it gets in the spermatozoa, and the spermatozoa gets some crazy green signal and shoots it into the egg, and somehow the kid becomes green? | ||
That would be fucking awesome. | ||
I wonder if it's ever happened before. | ||
I mean, not that, but if anybody's ever done something where the kid came out of funky color because of that. | ||
I'm sure that people have probably been tricked to think that. | ||
Like maybe a white woman having a half-black baby, and was like, ah, it's a... | ||
Recessive gene. | ||
Right, honey? | ||
Back in the old days, right? | ||
Look, that's the story of Jesus. | ||
I mean, the story of Jesus most likely is that Mary's a whore, right? | ||
That's the story of Jesus, right? | ||
Immaculate conception. | ||
Right, come on, bitch. | ||
What kind of crazy shit is this? | ||
But back then, in the biblical days, you just had to accept it. | ||
Maybe she was raped by one of those strong men. | ||
Maybe she wanted it. | ||
She cried rape. | ||
Yeah, she dressed in like that. | ||
Living in her fucking robes. | ||
I see your ankles, bitch. | ||
Maybe she had a dirty ass, too. | ||
And back then, you only lived to be like 30. You had to get your rapings in while you could. | ||
unidentified
|
Oh my gosh, this is horrible. | |
You guys. | ||
Listen, you've had an electric charge inside your asshole. | ||
If this is horrible... | ||
It was consensual. | ||
It was very consensual. | ||
So is this conversation. | ||
Yeah. | ||
We've all agreed to be here. | ||
And these people have agreed to tune in. | ||
And I know 2,360 of them right now are regretting their choice. | ||
Oh, you guys. | ||
It's cool. | ||
No, it is cool. | ||
That's a lot of people. | ||
Well, it's going to be a lot more than that when they listen to the whole thing. | ||
I forgot anyone was watching this right now. | ||
You've done other podcasts before, right? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Did you do Marin's too? | ||
Death Squad, yeah. | ||
I did Marin. | ||
I just did the Nerdist podcast. | ||
Oh, see, what's fascinating about you is as far as girls that are in your business, you're much more known for your personality than any of the other ones. | ||
Thanks. | ||
And I think a lot of it is those videos that you do. | ||
Yeah, probably. | ||
My mailbag. | ||
Like the Adam Sandler video, you're breaking things down. | ||
Yeah, like what else do you do? | ||
unidentified
|
Breaking shit down. | |
You have a mailbag where you read people's emails and respond to them. | ||
Yeah, when MySpace was, before it was like just a spam graveyard, I would get like this really super heinous hate mail that was so, just so many different levels of wrong and rude and misspelled and English and English? | ||
Yeah, just like really mean like, I hope you get fucking cancer in your brain and die of AIDS because you're a whore and you should accept Jesus in your life. | ||
And I'm just like, that makes no sense. | ||
Yeah, right? | ||
Jesus Christ would not fucking waste his time to wish me dead of AIDS and cancer. | ||
Like... | ||
Yeah, Jesus Christ would try to help you out, you fuck. | ||
Yeah. | ||
How about you, dude? | ||
Ignorance. | ||
Well, there's a lot of that out there. | ||
When you're allowed to be anonymous, it's a very normal situation. | ||
It's so gross. | ||
It's an unnatural situation in human behavior. | ||
We're supposed to, like, we get rewards and we get pleasure and we get all this from interacting with each other. | ||
But when you're interacting with each other completely anonymously through, like, wires and it's all ones and zeros. | ||
You can take them down a peg and say something really mean. | ||
Dude, I get that all day. | ||
I get it every day. | ||
On Twitter, there's always some douchey dude who says something. | ||
And I just block him. | ||
Like, I don't have time. | ||
I'm not going to argue with you. | ||
It's not like we can't spare followers. | ||
You have 200,000-something. | ||
I have 37,000-something. | ||
I mean, it's cool. | ||
Not even that. | ||
I would rather have one that follows me. | ||
That's nice. | ||
unidentified
|
That's it. | |
If 280 million people wanted to be cunts, I would stop being on Twitter. | ||
It's so rude. | ||
It's fun, though. | ||
The cool people way, way, way outnumber the shitheads. | ||
You get really cool interaction. | ||
Last night, I wrote on Twitter that Charlie Sheen was reminding me of Hunter S. Thompson the way he's talking. | ||
And I said we were right outside of Barstow when the drugs began to take hold. | ||
And then I got like hundreds and hundreds of tweets of people quoting Hunter S. Thompson lines from the book. | ||
It was fucking great. | ||
unidentified
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It's cool. | |
It was really good. | ||
Let's get down to brass tacks. | ||
How much for the ape? | ||
And they just kept coming over and over again. | ||
I'm like, this is fucking awesome. | ||
This is like a really interesting thing to interact with like-minded people. | ||
There's a lot of smart people on the internet. | ||
Yes, yeah. | ||
I have a message board, and I want you to be a part of it. | ||
Because you would fit in like a fucking glove. | ||
It's a great message board, and it's all psychos and weirdos. | ||
What's it called? | ||
It's on JoeRoga.net. | ||
I'll make you a moderator, for sure. | ||
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Oh, really? | |
We need more women. | ||
We only have a couple women moderators. | ||
I've got to make sure that you can handle it at first. | ||
Yeah, you can't snap and go crazy. | ||
Yeah, you can't get in arguments with people. | ||
It's not worth it. | ||
But when people are douchebags, I send them to the retard room. | ||
I have two rooms. | ||
Well, one is the main... | ||
The main forum you can go to. | ||
There's a combat sports forum for MMA stuff. | ||
And then there's a regular forum. | ||
And then there's a podcast forum. | ||
And then there's special ed. | ||
And special ed is if you're a douchebag. | ||
If you act like a shithead. | ||
You can't handle it. | ||
You're stupid. | ||
Think about what you did. | ||
Yeah, you want to insult people all the time for no reason. | ||
Get in the fucking tarb bin, dummy. | ||
Yeah, but because of that, we've established a pattern and accepted levels of communication. | ||
Everybody's really cool there. | ||
It's a fascinating fucking shit. | ||
Yeah, and fascinating fucking shit comes out of there. | ||
There's so many interesting... | ||
There's a story that I read on there the other day about these new fungi that they found in the Amazon rainforest that turns ants into zombies. | ||
Oh, yeah. | ||
It takes over the ant's brain. | ||
Ants are horrible anyway. | ||
Well, that's why they're there. | ||
They're there to keep the ant population at bay. | ||
This fungus grows inside an ant's body, rewires it. | ||
Oh, and it drills into its head. | ||
Grows right out of its head. | ||
And it grows out of its head and eats its ant juice out of its little skeletal. | ||
And it also causes other ants to cannibalize. | ||
They cannibalize each other. | ||
And there's four different types of them. | ||
And then when one bullet ant will find that this fungus has infected one of their own, they kill it and take it deep into the woods. | ||
Deep into the jungle. | ||
Yeah, it's like they know what the fuck is on. | ||
Fascinating shit, man. | ||
That was like a life narrated by Oprah Winfrey, I think. | ||
Was it really? | ||
I think that was. | ||
It was like the generic version of Planet Earth. | ||
Oprah's such a badass bitch. | ||
I watched the Oprah Network. | ||
I've been watching it. | ||
It's fascinating to me. | ||
I watched it the other day. | ||
Yeah, I got a TV in my gym and I was working out in the gym. | ||
I was watching the Oprah Network and I was watching her. | ||
You have other stuff on there. | ||
She was considering whether or not she should have Nadia Suleiman on her show, whether they should help her, and they decided to get someone to come on and help her financially. | ||
No one should help her, ever. | ||
It's interesting, though. | ||
It's interesting listening to Oprah, like how she talks and how she thinks. | ||
You get behind that woman. | ||
She really is all about reaching out and helping people be the best person they can be and love. | ||
That's really what she's into. | ||
It's so easy to criticize her. | ||
It's so cliche. | ||
She's on TV all the time. | ||
She's an easy target. | ||
But when you look at what she does, she is a bad motherfucker. | ||
Yeah, for sure. | ||
Oprah is legit. | ||
Everyone would hate the shit out of her if she wasn't. | ||
With the amount of money that she has. | ||
If she was being like Charlie Sheen is, people would be like, fuck you. | ||
You black lesbian bitch. | ||
I got this bitch in rockstar life. | ||
Can you imagine if she was talking about it in rockstar life? | ||
I'm like a freaking rockstar from Mars! | ||
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Hang out with my friends! | |
If anybody's a rockstar from Mars, it's Oprah. | ||
She has some man that's just in the shadows and shuts his hole. | ||
That guy doesn't even talk unless spoken to. | ||
Stedman sits around, waits. | ||
He waits three paces behind her and he doesn't say shit unless she asks him a question. | ||
I bet Oprah has a very big area loss. | ||
I don't think they're even together anymore. | ||
They're not together anymore. | ||
I don't think they are. | ||
Yeah, I don't think they are. | ||
Did Gail finally force it out? | ||
I think she's full Gail. | ||
Full Gail? | ||
That's the rumor, right? | ||
That's what's up. | ||
That's cool. | ||
I mean, the Odin station has a bunch of gay-friendly stuff on it. | ||
They had a great show the other day. | ||
I was on the Oprah network, and it was all about transsexuals. | ||
- It was very eye opening, man, to look into. | ||
'Cause I have a friend whose son is becoming a transsexual. | ||
His son is about to change from a man to a woman. | ||
And it's really strange because his son's about to change from a man to a woman and his son is like into girls still. | ||
So his son is like becoming a lesbian. - He's a lesbian. - Very, very bizarre. | ||
And he's gonna go, apparently, I don't know if he's gonna go through the operation, I don't know what the entire full story is, but they had this whole show dedicated to it and they had some kids. | ||
I mean, there was a boy that was like a little boy. | ||
He looked like he was seven or eight years old, and he was wearing a dress. | ||
And he wanted to be a girl. | ||
And I'm like, whoa. | ||
Because the younger you start, the more convincing you can be. | ||
If you just avoid going through the whole male puberty thing, you stand a chance of being a more convincing woman after your transition. | ||
Yeah, maybe. | ||
I mean, if you can really be sure of your choice at that young an age, but it's, God, you talk to the parents and it's like very convincing what they're saying. | ||
It's not like, it's so easy if you're a normal gender-oriented person. | ||
I don't think anybody has that phase where you're like seven years old and you're like, I'm transgendered. | ||
It's not a phase. | ||
It's not a fucking phase. | ||
I agree with you, but who knows if it's a part of what's going on as you're young and then as your hormones kick in, as you become 18 and 19. Maybe you say, no, I'm just a gay man. | ||
Maybe it's that simple. | ||
Maybe you'll transition. | ||
What I'm saying is... | ||
Just very lady-ish. | ||
I don't think you should really necessarily be fucking with your hormones until they settle in. | ||
I mean, I can understand someone being a grown adult and saying, okay, I want to be a woman. | ||
I've faked this too long. | ||
This is what I want to do. | ||
But when you're a child, shit, I don't even know what the fuck I was going to... | ||
I mean, could you imagine if you had to choose what you're going to be forever? | ||
But you're a straight dude, you know? | ||
That's probably normal for straight dudes. | ||
You know, if I turned out to be a completely straight person, I probably wouldn't have been lusting over nudie magazines and showing them to people and being a little gay. | ||
I think you have to account for change. | ||
Like a little gay girl. | ||
Right, when you're talking about children, I think you have to account for change. | ||
I'm not saying you should completely discredit the idea that this is really a girl trapped in a boy's body. | ||
But I'm saying you have to account for change. | ||
As far as adding hormones to their body and stuff, that seems like a really radical choice. | ||
One of these kids was like 10 years old and they were giving them testosterone. | ||
People are putting all sorts of crazy medicine in their kids and they're just like, whatever. | ||
Kitty Prozac and stuff like that. | ||
Which is another fascinating subject. | ||
I think it would be better if a child was like, I know this about myself, instead of some going... | ||
My kid is unreasonable because they let the TV babysit it and then pump your kid full of Ritalin because they're hyper. | ||
They're just maybe undisciplined. | ||
I have a next door neighbor that used to live down the street that was Ritalin up their kid and it was really sad. | ||
That's probably fucking your kid up more than listening to them when they try to identify their sexuality or their gender. | ||
The kid was not a bad kid. | ||
The parents were terrible. | ||
They were terrible at parenting, and the kid was lost, and the kid always seemed to me like they just wanted someone to tell them what was up, give them a hug, tell them what was up. | ||
They were two of the most lost kids ever because their parents were a fucking holy wreck. | ||
They would yell at each other in public, and it was just a disaster, and they started peeling their kids up. | ||
And it was like I was living next door to zombies. | ||
It was like, look at this. | ||
These people have been taken over by spores. | ||
I mean, those pills might as well be the fucking spores that jacked those ants. | ||
It's the same thing. | ||
It's a chemical thing that happens to a kid where it takes over their brain, rewires it, and makes them think and behave totally differently. | ||
And then all of a sudden these kids were like these little slack-jawed zombies. | ||
I was like, wow, they done neutered their fucking kids' brains. | ||
Yeah. | ||
You know? | ||
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Yeah. | |
It's fucking crazy. | ||
It's crazy how easy it is to have that sort of power to just do that to your kids. | ||
I know another person who I know his kid is not fucked up and he's got his kid on some sort of riddle and shit because his kid's too active. | ||
Because his kid is fucking alive! | ||
And they're older. | ||
They didn't have the kid until they were in their 50s. | ||
They adopted him. | ||
They can't keep up. | ||
They can't keep up at all so they have this fucking kid medicated. | ||
Handicap your kid. | ||
Yeah, treat him to the stove. | ||
Whatever. | ||
There's nothing wrong with this kid. | ||
I've talked to him. | ||
He's just a wild little motherfucker. | ||
So what do they got? | ||
They got him all pilled up. | ||
It's like, alright, good luck. | ||
How many generations have we had of people that were pilled up like this, though? | ||
Oh, forever. | ||
No, I don't think so. | ||
With social engineering, I mean, Prozac came into mind when I was, I believe when I was in high school was the first time I ever heard of people. | ||
But then before that, it was like institutionalizing people and lobotomizing people and shock therapy, like Blue Iris. | ||
Right, but it's... | ||
You know, she was never normal after that. | ||
But it's never reached the extent that it is today. | ||
Whoa, what did Blue Iris get? | ||
She had electroshock therapy repeatedly. | ||
Oh. | ||
Oh, wow. | ||
Didn't know that. | ||
And she was like fucked up. | ||
A lot of people don't know who Blue Iris is. | ||
She's on the Howard Stern show a lot. | ||
She's an old school porn star, is that what she is? | ||
Yeah, and she passed away. | ||
She passed away? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Yeah, but there's the difference between the few people that are so completely out of control that need to be institutionalized to people that don't like their job so they give you a pill so they don't feel like shit at the end of the day every day. | ||
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Right. | |
Because there's a lot of people that are just doing that. | ||
They're physically not healthy. | ||
Their diet sucks. | ||
They don't exercise. | ||
And they do a job that sucks. | ||
And they wonder why they feel depressed at the end of the day. | ||
I mean, it's real simple. | ||
You don't need Prozac. | ||
You need a new fucking life. | ||
I mean, that's what you need to do. | ||
You need to figure out what the fuck you really want to do and realize that you're only here for X amount of years. | ||
So the more time you spend not moving in the direction of your actual interest, the more you're going to fucking hate yourself. | ||
You're going to be depressed. | ||
It's just natural. | ||
But they don't say that. | ||
They give you some fucking pills. | ||
There's a lot of people that need pills. | ||
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That's why I joined our cult, Dana. | |
Is this my orientation? | ||
I thought that it might be something like that. | ||
unidentified
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That wasn't water you've been drinking. | |
We need funny chicks and you're totally invited. | ||
If you want to be in, you can be in our cult at any time. | ||
Our cult is... | ||
All you have to do is just don't be a douchebag. | ||
It's so simple. | ||
I try. | ||
I don't know. | ||
Well, you are a little, but it's natural. | ||
Look at what you do. | ||
Look at how many people are yelling at you. | ||
Look at how many people are pointing at you and sending you shitty emails all day. | ||
It's natural to be on the defensive and start fucking with Jennifer Anderson. | ||
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I know. | |
It's natural. | ||
She's so harmless. | ||
She's so harmless. | ||
And I think it's so funny because Chelsea Handler was like, Angelina Jolie is a cunt because she was friends with Jennifer Anderson. | ||
Oh, really? | ||
And I was like, oh, look at Chelsea Handler sticking up with Jennifer Aniston. | ||
I've known Chelsea forever. | ||
Oh, my God. | ||
I think it's so funny. | ||
I've known Chelsea since the early days of... | ||
I wrote one of the reviews of her book. | ||
Her first book was My Horizontal Life. | ||
She's a... | ||
I love party girls. | ||
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
To me, I think... | ||
She loves a party. | ||
It takes every kind of people like that song... | ||
unidentified
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Takes every kind of people. | |
When are you going to get her on the podcast? | ||
We need to get her. | ||
She's probably way too busy. | ||
I wouldn't even ask her. | ||
She's got a sitcom going on. | ||
She's got some sort of a reality show going on about her show. | ||
And then she's got her show. | ||
She's way too busy. | ||
Do you really get a show about a show that's already a show? | ||
Really? | ||
Yeah, that's not a show, but she's got a show. | ||
I mean, that's what it is. | ||
That's so messed up. | ||
Why not? | ||
Fuck it. | ||
She's got interesting people behind the scenes. | ||
She wants to showcase. | ||
Including our friend, our really good friend, Eva. | ||
She's on that show. | ||
Eva from Denver. | ||
Yeah. | ||
She's our assistant, I think. | ||
Oh, yeah. | ||
Eva's the best. | ||
I love that chick. | ||
I haven't talked to her in forever. | ||
She was this really cool chick that worked for the Denver Comedy Works. | ||
Just super on the ball and super friendly. | ||
She used to take us to media. | ||
Like, one of the nicest people ever. | ||
And then became friends with Chelsea. | ||
She was such a diamond that it was just waiting for someone to come along and scoop her up. | ||
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Yeah, and grab her. | |
I told her if she moved to LA, I would give her a job as an assistant. | ||
I'm like, you're the coolest chick ever. | ||
I've never even thought about having an assistant because it seems so preposterous that you really can't. | ||
What the fuck? | ||
You got a business manager. | ||
You also need an assistant. | ||
Could you go get me a latte? | ||
Get out of here. | ||
That's ridiculous. | ||
But for her, I would do it just to give her a job. | ||
That's why you have kids. | ||
You can convince them to do things for you. | ||
Get a two-year-old. | ||
Get your latte. | ||
Watch what happens. | ||
Go to the fridge and get me. | ||
They'll come back screaming and covered in burns. | ||
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I don't know. | |
You can get kids to put away dishes, load dishwasher, dust, vacuum. | ||
Sure. | ||
Mow the lawn. | ||
Mow the lawn when they're a little bit older. | ||
Have fun. | ||
You can make a game of it. | ||
Get them a writing mower. | ||
My brother loved that when we were kids. | ||
He was like... | ||
My parents bought me this thing so I could mow the lawn. | ||
I could ride it. | ||
I can drive this thing. | ||
He was so fucking deaf. | ||
And he was actually working. | ||
Well, he loved it. | ||
Well, when you're done mowing a lawn, there's an aesthetic sense of pleasure. | ||
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I hate mowing a lawn. | |
A sense of accomplishment. | ||
You've created something visually that's pretty. | ||
It's kind of an art form. | ||
I used to work for a landscaper. | ||
Did you? | ||
I fucking hated mowing a lawn. | ||
That was one of the hardest, annoying things ever. | ||
I only worked for a landscaper for a whole week and he let me go because I kept burning too many lawns. | ||
What I mean is you fuck up, you don't know how to use a lawnmower that well, and you scalp the lawn. | ||
And I scalped a couple lawns and he got mad at me. | ||
It was hard fucking work. | ||
It paid pretty decent for what it was, but you worked every goddamn day from 6.30 in the morning, you showed up at work, and you worked till 3 o'clock in the afternoon, and there was a gang of fucking houses to mow. | ||
You had a whole row of houses, and you had to mow their lawn and chop trees down and shit. | ||
It was back-breaking fucking work, and everybody's a douchebag. | ||
You're working with mostly like, there was like a few guys that were kind of cool, but there was a lot of like, you know, there's a lot of resentment. | ||
To anybody new that was coming along that might possibly take this shitty job away. | ||
It was real weird, man. | ||
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Terrible. | |
That's like some junkyard dog type of shit. | ||
Labor is hard, man. | ||
Getting a job as a laborer in any sort of realm, construction. | ||
That's one of the best ways to get motivated to get your shit together as a guy. | ||
Get a fucking job carrying bricks around all day. | ||
Get a job where you realize what work really is. | ||
Where you realize what it really feels like to be exhausted for five dollars an hour. | ||
Five dollars an hour and you're carrying bricks all day. | ||
I would have no idea what that would be like ever. | ||
It's the worst. | ||
But it makes you... | ||
I think about that shit all the time. | ||
If I ever think about not writing or ever think about not working out or not getting in the tank or anything like that, I'll think about working on a construction site and carrying bricks and cinder blocks and bags of cement. | ||
I'll think about how hard that was. | ||
It's very motivating. | ||
What do I have to do? | ||
I just got to get up and work at something awesome? | ||
Just get up, bitch. | ||
This is a lot harder things you could be doing. | ||
If you don't have that experience, though, of some fucking terrible thing... | ||
You know, like for you, when you were done with all the electrocutions of the asshole, like going to regular porn must have been like, God damn, this is a cakewalk. | ||
All I have to do is blow somebody? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Now, actually, there's a little bit of a transition that's happening in porn right now where they're kind of going away from that, like... | ||
My blonde wife is getting fucked by six black guys. | ||
Wait a minute, why are they stopping that? | ||
Well, it's being phased out now. | ||
That's like making a cheeseburger out of taste. | ||
Yeah, parodies. | ||
They're making parodies. | ||
They're making romance movies that are like romance, romance-y novel, like rom-com type of cheese. | ||
How many vampire porns are there? | ||
A lot. | ||
they did a true blood parody at new sensations all that shit is porn anyway twilight parody they made I don't know they've made a parody of absolutely everything yeah some dude on my message board has an avatar parody everything and it's a girl she's got the avatar face and she's getting her mouth fucked yeah and that's his avatar yeah ugh they're gonna do a new avatar it's gonna be underwater you heard about that shit no way really yeah have you seen that preview for this new movie where it's a bunch of chicks with guns on the poster sucker punch sucker punch yeah | ||
what the fuck I haven't seen the preview yet but the posters look amazing Watchmen-ish yeah it's the same director it looks badass it looks complete fantasy Me too. | ||
I don't need a movie to be realistic. | ||
When people go like, why do you like fantasy movies and monster movies? | ||
I'm like, that's what I want. | ||
I want to be entertained. | ||
I don't want you to depress me with some real story about a girl whose parents get killed in a car crash. | ||
Like, stop! | ||
Stop pissing on my parade, dude. | ||
Show me some monsters and some lasers and some spaceships and aliens. | ||
Did you ever see Scott Pilgrim? | ||
No, I haven't seen it yet. | ||
Man, did you see it? | ||
Yeah. | ||
I re-watched that the other day. | ||
Fucking loved it again. | ||
That is just a fun fucking movie. | ||
unidentified
|
Really? | |
I don't know if you would like it, though. | ||
I don't know if you would like it, but... | ||
The entire time I was like, they don't even like each other. | ||
unidentified
|
Stop hanging out. | |
What was a movie recently that you liked that I didn't like? | ||
Can you think of one? | ||
Oh, man. | ||
No, I didn't really love Enter the Void, but I thought it was good. | ||
Yeah, I wasn't into Enter the Void. | ||
But that's also because I've actually done DMT, and I'm like, the representation of it is so simple. | ||
Well, there was a lot of problems with that movie, but I just thought it was cool, the visual effects. | ||
What I thought was cool was the first person perspective. | ||
I thought that was really interesting. | ||
I felt like I was really that guy. | ||
If you really got into it. | ||
I like seeing it through almost like a video game, a first person shooter perspective. | ||
I thought that was kind of cool. | ||
There's parts of it I liked, but it was just too much. | ||
I didn't see anything that was like Oscar movies. | ||
I did not see anything. | ||
unidentified
|
King's Speech, is that about Martin Luther King or what the fuck is that about? | |
What is it about? | ||
It's about a dog that barks. | ||
unidentified
|
No. | |
A dog named King. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
It wears a big spike collar. | ||
It's a talking dog movie, Brian. | ||
It's a Rottweiler. | ||
I don't know what the fuck it's about. | ||
I don't care. | ||
I don't want to see any movies. | ||
I'm waiting for Cowboys and Aliens. | ||
I don't want to see any movies that are real. | ||
This movie that I saw, Adjustment Bureau, totally science fiction, crazy fucking reality. | ||
Good. | ||
Good. | ||
Give me more of that. | ||
Give me more fake shit. | ||
I don't want to see real shit. | ||
It's not interesting to me. | ||
Like, here's a relationship that they had. | ||
Maybe if you want to throw me some crazy godfather-type gangster period piece where it's not today's reality. | ||
So, okay, I can get into that, kind of. | ||
It's a long time ago reality. | ||
You know, but I'm not into any real movies where people get depressed in real life. | ||
Like, stop it. | ||
I don't even watch movies that have people in them anymore. | ||
I just stick to just animations. | ||
Really? | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Like in that Megamind 3D movie, Tina Fey was like really hot as a cartoon. | ||
unidentified
|
Right. | |
And it was just like, cool, I can like think this girl's really super hot instead of like this sticky like, I'm not hot, Tina Fey. | ||
Ha ha, I wear glasses. | ||
I'm not hot. | ||
The first animated movie that I ever saw that was an adult movie was Wizards. | ||
Did you ever see Wizards? | ||
Yeah, that shit was good. | ||
Fuck, it was great, man. | ||
I had it on DVD, like, really kind of recently. | ||
I can't find it. | ||
I was looking for it in my house. | ||
It's Ralph, what is his name? | ||
Bakski? | ||
Yeah. | ||
I forget the guy's name. | ||
The guy that did Death Dealer, right? | ||
unidentified
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No, wait. | |
Am I thinking of somebody else? | ||
I don't know. | ||
It was just really cool, science fiction, sort of futuristic, animated movie. | ||
You know? | ||
They don't do too many of those, but they're pretty dope when they do. | ||
Like, did you ever see Heavy Metal? | ||
Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
Absolutely. | ||
That was badass, right? | ||
I was in love with that chick in that movie. | ||
Were you? | ||
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
The Heavy Metal Jack. | ||
You know what's even funnier, or awesomer, is the Heavy Metal-inspired South Park, where they redid the, like, pretty much Heavy Metal-style cartoon, and, like, the whole animation looked like that. | ||
unidentified
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Wow. | |
Did you ever see that episode? | ||
It was good. | ||
No, I need to catch up on South Parks, man. | ||
I heard that they're going to do a Charlie Sheen parody, which I cannot fucking wait for. | ||
Of course they're going to. | ||
They could not. | ||
They love making fun of people. | ||
Well, they're the best at it. | ||
Are you on that? | ||
No, I haven't been on that. | ||
I think they made fun of you on that, maybe? | ||
Maybe. | ||
No, I don't think American Dad has. | ||
If they did, I would be honored as long as they weren't too cruel. | ||
Please, gentle. | ||
I'm a gentle soul and a big fan. | ||
But what they did to Carlos Mencia was the most ruthless shit I'd ever seen in my life. | ||
They beat him to death with a baseball bat and shoved frozen fish sticks in his neck. | ||
That was so awesome. | ||
But they were broken down like, I got no dick! | ||
I got no dick! | ||
You know what it's like to be a comedian and not be funny? | ||
unidentified
|
Fuck! | |
It was the most ruthless takedown I've ever seen. | ||
The Kanye was even funny, too. | ||
The gay fish. | ||
They're genius, man. | ||
How about the Tom Cruise trapped in the closet shit? | ||
Goddamn, dude. | ||
They break everybody down. | ||
They're the best, man. | ||
There's nothing like them. | ||
So we all agree. | ||
Didn't they get, what the fuck's his name, Isaac Hayes, he was the one who used to be the chef, is that who it was? | ||
Was it Isaac Hayes? | ||
Didn't he stop doing it when there was some sort of a show on Scientology? | ||
That is so crazy. | ||
Isn't that fascinating? | ||
But it was okay when they made fun of everybody else's lifestyle and religion. | ||
Forever he was on that. | ||
And now he's dead. | ||
So fuck you, Isaac Hayes. | ||
unidentified
|
Bam. | |
Maybe it wasn't even that. | ||
Angry Dana Dierman surfaces at the end of the podcast. | ||
She shows her true colors. | ||
We're going to turn it around. | ||
Dana, we're going to put you on a positive path. | ||
You're going to be a successful stand-up comedian. | ||
You're my life coach. | ||
I'm going to be your life coach. | ||
A year from now, we're going to be looking back at this moment, and then when I did the podcast, that's when it all fucking came together. | ||
You're supposed to be a comedian. | ||
Epiphany moment. | ||
You should be goddamn invulnerable up there. | ||
Everything that you've done and how you've exposed publicly, you should be goddamn invulnerable up there. | ||
You're going to be a goddess. | ||
You're going to control and dominate! | ||
This is the beginning. | ||
Today, we launch! | ||
It's so ridiculous. | ||
No better way to end this fucking show. | ||
It's so funny. | ||
We'll be back Thursday with young and talented Andy Dick will join us on the podcast. | ||
Is he doing it from this studio or your studio? | ||
Mrs. Rogan is not excited about Andy Dick being over at the house, so we might have to. | ||
But he has been sober for like four weeks. | ||
I don't know. | ||
There's always tomorrow, though. | ||
Yeah, well, the thing about Andy is you just never know when you're going to run into him with whiskey on his breath. | ||
And you're like, fuck. | ||
He was at the AVN Awards. | ||
He got tossed out. | ||
Right. | ||
Was he fucked up? | ||
I don't know. | ||
unidentified
|
I saw him and he was just like, or whatever. | |
So he was hammered. | ||
Oh, that's right. | ||
I mean, I was. | ||
I could only assume like we were doing some kind of a mirroring exercise where Andy and I were doing the exact same thing. | ||
He talked about it on the Greg Fitzsimmons show. | ||
He talked about it on Greg Fitzsimmons' Sirius show. | ||
And he said, you know, that he just got out of control. | ||
It was like the wheels fell off at the end, but it was a great time before that. | ||
But then it looks so bad when people are looking back on it. | ||
Another thing, he had a really interesting point. | ||
Well, you gotta pay attention to what you look like if people know who you are. | ||
You know, basically. | ||
If people know who you are, yeah, but once you get drunk, you're an addict, you don't think about that. | ||
No, but I go, like, are both my shoes on? | ||
Or, like, have I said anything offensive or anything to anyone? | ||
Like, am I controlling myself? | ||
When you're partying. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I drank like five whiskey drinks and I was wearing a gown and like I waited until no one was around and I took my dress off in the Mirage or the Palms parking structure and I threw it in the back of my car and went back to my own hotel. | ||
Naked? | ||
I like just put on whatever was in my car. | ||
You carry clothes around with you? | ||
All the time, yeah. | ||
You never know. | ||
Well, we were in Vegas, so you've got shit everywhere. | ||
It's always good to have a baseball hat, an extra pair of sunglasses, and a t-shirt in your car. | ||
I slept in a bowling alley last night in Canoga Park. | ||
What? | ||
It's a long story. | ||
What? | ||
Wait a minute. | ||
What, Andy Dick? | ||
You slept in a bowling alley? | ||
It was so great because not only did I have a coat because it was kind of cold, I had sleeping bags. | ||
I had airplane pillows from traveling so much. | ||
You slept in a bowling alley. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Parking lot of bowling alley. | ||
What the fuck, Brian? | ||
It was great. | ||
It was a good night. | ||
Did you get too drunk? | ||
Huh? | ||
No. | ||
No, I actually didn't even drink last night. | ||
I think young lad is in love. | ||
No, no, no, no. | ||
It's not even that. | ||
No, no. | ||
It wasn't even that. | ||
Perhaps. | ||
You're in love with some girl you met at the bowling alley? | ||
No. | ||
unidentified
|
Perhaps. | |
No. | ||
It's a long story. | ||
Perhaps young love in the parking lot. | ||
That's when you don't mind sleeping outside. | ||
unidentified
|
But you have a house. | |
When you're in love. | ||
unidentified
|
Huh? | |
Yeah, but... | ||
You get impractical when you're in love, Dana. | ||
I don't have to tell you that. | ||
unidentified
|
Maybe I'm dead inside and I'll never experience it. | |
Maybe they were right, commenters on YouTube. | ||
Oh, those motherfuckers. | ||
Alright, ladies and gentlemen, this weekend, Friday night and Saturday night, we are at the Comedy and Magic Club. | ||
Next week, Friday night at Gotham in New York City. | ||
Brian also has a podcast of his own. | ||
It's called The Death Squad. | ||
You can subscribe to it on iTunes. | ||
And Dana's been on it. | ||
Sam Tripoli's on it all the time. | ||
It's a plethora of young, talented comedians and they do a bunch of different podcasts. | ||
So it's not just one. | ||
You can go on the iTunes page and find out which they are or go to DeathSquad.tv. | ||
And just subscribe to DeathSquad on iTunes. | ||
And it's very highly ranked now. | ||
It's like in the top 20 of iTunes comedy. | ||
So it's really good too. | ||
It's really interesting. | ||
So, we'll be back on Thursday, like I said, with Andy Dick. | ||
Thank you, everybody, for everything, and thanks for tuning in, and thanks for being just cool motherfuckers. | ||
Alright, I love you. | ||
unidentified
|
Thank you. | |
Oh, go to Fleshlight.com, and go to JoeRogan.net, enter in the codename Rogan, and get yourself some discounted jerk-off material. | ||
Do you have a rubber Fleshlight yet? | ||
Um, no. | ||
And I've been bringing it up every time. | ||
We're going to connect you with them. | ||
We'll connect you. | ||
No, no, no. | ||
I got, like, a formal rejection letter from Fleshlight. | ||
We'll make this happen. | ||
Dude, you just got in with the right crowd. | ||
Oh. | ||
Okay? | ||
It could be, like, the extra big Fleshlight. | ||
Fingers crossed. | ||
With your butthole. | ||
Giant butthole one that you stick rocks in. | ||
Thanks, guys. | ||
unidentified
|
Thanks. | |
All right. | ||
Thanks, guys. |