The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #80 - Joey Diaz & Ari Shaffir Aired: 2011-02-15 Duration: 16:04 === Kicking It Live (02:27) === [00:00:04] The Joe Rogan Experience. [00:00:06] Oh. [00:00:20] Kicking it live. [00:00:36] Oh. [00:00:37] Damn, these mics are hot as fuck. [00:00:39] Kicking it live from the Rogan compound with my man Ari Shafir. [00:00:41] Ari motherfucking Shafir is in the house, ladies and gentlemen. [00:00:43] A-R-S-H-A-F-F-I-R. Follow him on Twitter. [00:00:47] Joe Diaz, Mad Flavor, a.k.a. [00:00:50] Planet Rock, a.k.a. [00:00:52] Joey Karate. [00:00:53] He's here as well. [00:00:54] Brian Reichel, Brian Redman, R-E-D-B-A-N. Who's singing this? [00:00:59] Whose song is it? [00:01:00] What's going on now? [00:01:01] What happened? [00:01:02] It's background music. [00:01:03] Did you make that song, Brian? [00:01:04] No, it's my laptop. [00:01:06] Yeah, we did. [00:01:07] Yeah, a combination between GarageBand and guitars. [00:01:11] Yeah, we haven't been playing music. [00:01:12] We're trying to clean it up for satellite radio, which may or may not ever happen. [00:01:17] Hopefully it will. [00:01:17] Looks like it's happening. [00:01:19] Whatever, bitches. [00:01:22] Much respect to The Fleshlight, our sponsor, before we even get started, before we get groovy with you, bitches. [00:01:28] If you go to JoeRogan.net, what's that, buddy? [00:01:30] There's in the corner. [00:01:31] There's one of them. [00:01:32] They're all over the place. [00:01:33] There's one over here, too. [00:01:34] This house is littered. [00:01:35] Mrs. Rogan comes in there the other day and looks at all of them. [00:01:38] She goes, is there enough of these? [00:01:40] That's what she looks at them. [00:01:41] She goes, these? [00:01:42] That's how she looks at them. [00:01:44] This is like her competition that she has to accept. [00:01:47] Like little things that live in her house that I fuck. [00:01:50] This house is full of baby dolls and male dildos. [00:01:53] Yeah, what's up? [00:01:54] It's filled with child's toys and dick toys. [00:01:58] A big fat box of dick toys. [00:02:00] If you go to JoeRogan.net and click the link for the flashlight, you go to their website, type in the word Rogan, you get 15% off. [00:02:06] So I'm looking out for you bitches, you know what I'm saying? [00:02:08] I'm trying to get you some discounts on your masturbation. [00:02:11] Holler at me, Joe Diaz. [00:02:13] You know what I'm saying? [00:02:14] You gotta do what you gotta do. [00:02:15] If you can save 10 points and whack off at the same time, who's better than you? === Dude, The Way He Handled Vera (11:53) === [00:02:20] You know what I'm saying? [00:02:22] We had a good goddamn time last weekend in Vegas. [00:02:25] Holy shit, was that fun. [00:02:26] Yes, we did. [00:02:27] Nice. [00:02:27] That was a good fucking time. [00:02:29] These guys dropped acid. [00:02:30] They were up in the... [00:02:32] They were up in the stands watching with big fucking smiles on their face. [00:02:35] I don't know when I found out that they dropped acid. [00:02:38] Did I find out at dinner? [00:02:39] I tweeted you during the UFC. Yeah, but I don't get tweets. [00:02:43] I mean, text. [00:02:44] Texted me. [00:02:44] You texted me. [00:02:45] Yeah, so that's how I found out. [00:02:46] Did I respond to you? [00:02:47] No, it was like the last half hour, right? [00:02:48] No, you looked. [00:02:49] You looked. [00:02:49] No, that's when you turned up, I thought. [00:02:51] I'm trying to have him waved at us. [00:02:52] Oh, okay. [00:02:53] Then I must have known. [00:02:54] You know, we're sitting in the drawer. [00:02:55] Ari came over one day, and we're talking about something. [00:02:58] All of a sudden, I go, it's going to be great this weekend. [00:03:00] And as I'm talking to him, I open up the drawer, and I go, Ari, look. [00:03:03] And there were seven hits of acid. [00:03:04] Ari, what if we drop the acid? [00:03:06] And he's like, oh, I don't know. [00:03:07] And I go, every time somebody gets hit, we'll feel it. [00:03:11] Yeah. [00:03:12] That was the original fucking plan at first. [00:03:15] So then we were like, well, what do you think about Red Band? [00:03:17] Well, we don't know. [00:03:18] Then we're saying, man, we should fucking dose him. [00:03:20] Yeah, maybe we gotta put on some popcorn. [00:03:21] We'll just take him for the run. [00:03:22] And then we said, nah, because I know it's hard. [00:03:25] He'll have 911. Fuck it. [00:03:26] He's my little brother. [00:03:28] Acid's a little different. [00:03:29] You don't want to dose somebody with acid. [00:03:31] I've made a decision just not to do it anymore in my life because I've gotten to a point where my brain, I just want to keep my brain a little bit together now. [00:03:38] A little bit together. [00:03:39] Stay stable. [00:03:39] Let me tell you something about this stuff. [00:03:41] This stuff is very mild. [00:03:43] That was kid stuff. [00:03:46] Yeah, well, if you took two hits and you were still being able to sit there, then it had to be shaking. [00:03:51] Very mild. [00:03:52] Very mild. [00:03:52] It came in spurts and bursts. [00:03:54] It was very nice. [00:03:55] Up down, up down. [00:03:55] The lights fucked with you. [00:03:57] What's his name? [00:03:58] Voice fucked with you from time to time. [00:04:00] Buffer. [00:04:00] Buffer. [00:04:01] Yeah. [00:04:01] He really vibrated you. [00:04:02] He's vibrated you. [00:04:04] And that video before the UFC starts. [00:04:06] Oh, that was powerful. [00:04:08] Yeah. [00:04:09] There was a part where Ari looked over and goes, this is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. [00:04:14] It was. [00:04:15] They did a good job on that thing. [00:04:16] What was it? [00:04:18] The UFC video when it first starts where it's like... [00:04:21] They sent it to the Who, American Teenage Wasteland. [00:04:26] Bob O'Reilly singing the song. [00:04:29] Yeah, they sent all the beats, all the punches to the drum hits. [00:04:32] Yeah. [00:04:33] You realize how brilliant something is sometimes when you're high. [00:04:36] What is it about that? [00:04:37] Why do you have to get high to realize that? [00:04:40] I don't know. [00:04:40] It seems silly. [00:04:41] When you're sitting there and you're straight at a UFC and it starts, and we're on such a Zufa and all that shit, you feel it. [00:04:49] When we did the acid, it was a different fucking level. [00:04:52] We felt everything. [00:04:54] Isn't it funny how you go to movies, and if you go to the movies and you're on acid or on pot or anything, you could see bad acting. [00:05:01] Yeah, really easily. [00:05:02] That's why we watched Domino that night. [00:05:04] That's why we sat there and watched Domino with fucking Mickey Rourke and Cara Knightling. [00:05:09] And it was interesting. [00:05:10] It was interesting. [00:05:11] It was from a different angle, you're watching acting. [00:05:13] So I'm sorry, I interrupted you. [00:05:15] So what were you saying? [00:05:15] You were saying that you guys are there, you're on acid, and then Bob O'Reilly starts playing. [00:05:19] If you've never seen it, never been to a live UFC, it's really brilliant. [00:05:24] Whoever edited it, it's like some of the highlights of some of the greatest fights ever, and it's all put together to The Who. [00:05:29] It's one of the greatest videos humans have ever seen. [00:05:33] It's the perfect volume to rip you apart. [00:05:36] You can hear it, but it doesn't really bother you. [00:05:39] Dana and I were watching that the other day, and I go, dude, I think I've seen this a fucking thousand times, and I still love it. [00:05:46] I never stop watching it. [00:05:47] Love it. [00:05:48] If you're there live ten minutes before the UFC actually starts, you have to be in your seat. [00:05:52] It's so good, too. [00:05:54] Whoever did it, you can tell that guy loves fights. [00:05:57] He nailed it. [00:05:58] The perfect beats to the perfect fucking punches and kicks. [00:06:02] It gets you pumped up, definitely, man. [00:06:04] Dude, I'm telling you, it never wears out. [00:06:06] I've seen it hundreds of times. [00:06:08] I don't know how many times I've seen it. [00:06:10] I've seen it, I mean, every UFC start, I've done at least 100 UFCs. [00:06:13] And you're there. [00:06:14] You're not gone getting food when that's happening. [00:06:16] Yeah, because between spikes, between spike nights and regular UFCs, I think I've done over a hundred. [00:06:21] So I've been over a thousand fights. [00:06:22] Well, here's the best. [00:06:23] When you're there and you're tripping... [00:06:25] Like I said, when you're there as a civilian... [00:06:29] And all of a sudden it just goes from Bob O'Reilly and it locks down. [00:06:33] And all of a sudden you hear, and all of a sudden you just see a picture of Anderson Silva saying, when I go in that thing tonight, I'm going to knock his fucking mouth off. [00:06:41] Now, think about it on the acid. [00:06:43] Now his head just came out. [00:06:45] And I think it was Vito that said that came out first. [00:06:47] And it was just a fucking head talking along the streets. [00:06:50] I thought it was fucking Marlon Brando in Superman. [00:06:53] Remember when he had the fucking heads around him? [00:06:55] It was like, that's his fucking head. [00:06:59] You're going down to New York City, cocksucker. [00:07:01] And they were judging him, and it was just heads. [00:07:04] Well, that's the brilliance about it. [00:07:06] That at one point in the UFC, as a civilian, it just gets very dark. [00:07:10] And also, it's just the perfect timing. [00:07:12] Also, you see your head pop out and go, tonight, I'm going to take him, pound him, submission. [00:07:17] You're like... [00:07:17] The crowd goes nuts. [00:07:19] Yeah, you just go nuts. [00:07:20] And they keep showing little tidbits. [00:07:22] Then they show to Vidor. [00:07:23] Then they went to John Jones. [00:07:25] Then they went to Jake Ellensburg. [00:07:27] It was just so well done. [00:07:29] Every time I show a new fighter, the crowd explodes again. [00:07:32] And when you watch another sporting event now, it's so below that par. [00:07:36] I went to a Laker game last year against Wade Wade's team. [00:07:41] Miami Heat. [00:07:42] It was a fucking great game. [00:07:44] But there was a lot of lulls in it. [00:07:47] There's a lot of lows there. [00:07:48] At the UFC, even when Bruce Buffer says, do what you got to do. [00:07:52] Go for 22 fucking minutes. [00:07:54] You have a blast! [00:07:55] You go get a hot dog, right? [00:07:57] We argue. [00:07:57] Go get a fucking thing. [00:07:58] Go now! [00:07:59] Go now! [00:08:00] Have we up before the fucking game starts? [00:08:01] That's huge that they tell you. [00:08:03] Yeah! [00:08:04] That's courtesy! [00:08:05] And what that is, folks, for the folks that don't know, sometimes we have a certain amount of prelim cards, but then the main card starts at, say, like, 7 p.m. [00:08:13] And if the main card starts at 7 p.m., we have to have, if the prelims are all done... [00:08:18] Sometimes you've got 20 minutes before the fights are supposed to start. [00:08:20] So we don't start fights early. [00:08:21] We have to wait until pay-per-view starts. [00:08:23] Sometimes you get like five first-round knockouts in the early fights. [00:08:26] Yeah, and they're just like, ooh. [00:08:27] Yeah, and then we run out quick. [00:08:29] And it was weird because this particular UFC started off, I think, with Gabe Rudiger and whoever he fought. [00:08:35] And Paul Taylor. [00:08:36] And Paul Taylor, he got beat up fast. [00:08:38] And then Kingsley came out against Romero and hit him with violent gladiator fucking... [00:08:45] These! [00:08:46] To the body! [00:08:47] They were like fucking BAM! You could feel the thrust! [00:08:50] And again, as a civilian, you could feel the fucking kidney strikes! [00:08:55] I can't have the acid! [00:08:56] I remember finding myself like this and also I looked around and I had to adjust myself. [00:09:00] What's going on? [00:09:01] Check yourself before you wreck yourself. [00:09:03] Plus, you're watching Kingsbury even when you're not high. [00:09:06] That dude's a specimen. [00:09:08] Oh my god. [00:09:09] A specimen shredded. [00:09:10] He's got like a fucking solid 12-pack. [00:09:12] He's got a 12-pack on his back. [00:09:14] He's one of those dudes. [00:09:15] Like, you look at his back, there's all these crazy striations in there. [00:09:18] He was a super athlete. [00:09:19] He was a linebacker. [00:09:20] He was a linebacker. [00:09:21] Those fucking... [00:09:23] Football players, man, they're on another level. [00:09:25] It's another level of athleticism. [00:09:27] And Kingsbury smashed that dude. [00:09:29] He's one of those guys, every time you see him, it's like he's been training for three years. [00:09:33] You know, he makes these leaps in a couple of months. [00:09:35] Oh, really? [00:09:35] Yeah. [00:09:36] All those super athletes, man, the John Jones dudes, those guys, they make these giant leaps, you know? [00:09:41] There's some dudes that just get so good so quick. [00:09:44] When you watch Jon Jones, the first fight that he had, or even the fight with Stefan Bonner, yeah, he looked promising. [00:09:51] But Bonner made it to the distance. [00:09:53] I mean, he beat Bonner up and everything like that and did some wild stuff. [00:09:57] But people are like, wow, this kid's wild, he's unorthodox. [00:10:00] But then you see him now and you go, fuck, man, this kid is on another level. [00:10:04] Dude, the way he handled Brandon Vera. [00:10:07] I mean, his last fight just proved it. [00:10:10] Brian Bader's a fucking stud and he just manhandled that kid. [00:10:14] He was on top of him every time there was an exchange. [00:10:16] He was on top, controlling the position. [00:10:18] He was never remotely threatened. [00:10:20] And squeezing. [00:10:20] Yeah, that kid's a beast, man. [00:10:22] Ryan Bader is a fucking gorilla. [00:10:25] Dude, you just stand next to that guy. [00:10:26] He's one of the biggest 205ers out there. [00:10:28] And the fact that Jon Jones was able to handle him like that. [00:10:31] There was like a half second where there was like a scrum. [00:10:33] Like he tried to flip and didn't get him all the way over. [00:10:35] And then Jon Jones got out of that and it was done. [00:10:37] Yeah. [00:10:38] And John Jones has two brothers and both of them are fucking football player bad motherfuckers. [00:10:42] Yeah. [00:10:42] His whole family's got like super genes, you know? [00:10:45] When I was standing there that night, he had two brothers that are bigger than him. [00:10:48] I guess he has a baby brother or whatever. [00:10:50] In the 1975 NBA playoffs, one of those years, Darryl Dawkins, remember Darryl Dawkins? [00:10:56] He used to smash the backboards. [00:10:58] Right. [00:10:58] You know, he was 6'11", 290. I remember that. [00:11:01] And he got into a brawl with Maurice Lucas. [00:11:03] And all of a sudden they showed his family coming down from the stands. [00:11:07] And he had two brothers and his sister bigger than him. [00:11:09] Oh, my God. [00:11:10] And they were from fucking Florida. [00:11:11] You know, you were those motherfuckers. [00:11:13] Oh, my God. [00:11:13] They were just throwing security at Portland. [00:11:15] They're all nice white people up there in Portland. [00:11:18] These four fucking fucking people were just throwing them. [00:11:20] Just throwing them, dog. [00:11:22] Huge. [00:11:22] Six foot 11. 11. Jesus Christ. [00:11:25] With smashing fiberglass... [00:11:27] Yeah. [00:11:28] Yeah. [00:11:28] Unheard of before. [00:11:29] I remember. [00:11:29] You know what I'm saying? [00:11:30] He would hang on them, just crush them. [00:11:31] They were glass, weren't they? [00:11:33] They were breaking them. [00:11:34] Super reinforced. [00:11:35] Yeah. [00:11:36] That guy was fresh out of the jungle as a fuck. [00:11:38] What the hell? [00:11:39] What did they do back then? [00:11:40] What? [00:11:40] When the glass breaks? [00:11:42] Do they stop the game? [00:11:43] Stop the game. [00:11:43] They just roll it out and they roll another one out. [00:11:45] They get another one in. [00:11:45] Get the fuck out of it. [00:11:46] You get fined, yeah. [00:11:47] He got fined? [00:11:48] How much did he get fined? [00:11:49] I don't know, maybe 10 grand or something like that. [00:11:51] That's so worth it, though. [00:11:52] That's how we know about it. [00:11:53] You're a high life film. [00:11:55] Luckily, they don't all do that. [00:11:56] That would be so douchey if they all did it. [00:11:58] It's kind of a douchey move. [00:11:59] There's a way you can do it by accident. [00:12:01] You can do it by accident. [00:12:02] Shaq would just smash through it and he wouldn't be able to help. [00:12:04] There's something you can really try to break it. [00:12:06] Does Shaq smack him occasionally? [00:12:07] Yeah, but not on purpose. [00:12:09] He just fucking... [00:12:10] Brian, what's that crazy noise? [00:12:11] He's so hard down. [00:12:12] I'm looking into it. [00:12:13] Oh, okay. [00:12:14] He hasn't done it in a while, though. [00:12:15] He's so big, dude. [00:12:17] I met him a couple of times when I first met him at the UFC. He did an episode of Fear Factor with me, and he did the countdown. [00:12:23] You know, like, three, two, one, go! [00:12:26] You know, standing next to me, dude, it looked like... [00:12:29] It didn't even look like... [00:12:30] I mean, it looked like we were two totally different things. [00:12:33] We met him in Boston. [00:12:33] We ran into him at the hotel. [00:12:35] Oh, yeah, that's true. [00:12:35] He's giant. [00:12:36] He's so big, man. [00:12:38] He's so big, it's ridiculous. [00:12:39] I feel like a little child, you know? [00:12:41] Well, this dude, Darryl Dawkins, played for the Sixers, and he got traded to the Nets. [00:12:45] And when he moved to New Jersey, he got hooked on a fucking powder. [00:12:48] Did he really? [00:12:49] So the kid that would sell him the powder was the sneaker kid. [00:12:52] He was the ball kid on the nets at that time. [00:12:54] And this kid ran a tremendous scam because the players on contract, they'd take after every game, they'd put on new sneakers and they'd throw them away. [00:13:02] Really? [00:13:03] This kid would take every sneaker and take it into the city and sell it. [00:13:06] But one of his jobs as a ball boy was to get Darryl Dawkins powder. [00:13:09] That was it, Brian. [00:13:10] Whatever you did. [00:13:11] And we all met. [00:13:12] And I remember one night he took us to Daryl Dawkins' house. [00:13:14] Daryl Dawkins showed me a fucking Rolls Royce with a 14-month-fucking-carat dashboard. [00:13:20] No way. [00:13:21] A gold dashboard? [00:13:23] Bro, his dog was... [00:13:24] His daughter was a dog. [00:13:26] You have no fucking idea in those days. [00:13:28] Wow. [00:13:28] Then his wife died later on. [00:13:30] He came back for a couple years there. [00:13:32] I went over to his house like three times. [00:13:34] He lived in Seacawks, New Jersey. [00:13:36] Big pimping! [00:13:38] With the motherfucking 14-carat dashboard and shit. [00:13:42] Wow. [00:13:43] That's ridiculous. [00:13:45] That is ridiculous, dog. [00:13:46] You gotta love it, though. [00:13:47] What is it about black people and shiny things? [00:13:50] I don't know. [00:13:50] They don't give a fuck, dog. [00:13:52] Don't live in a tent to have a fucking Rolls Royce with a 14. Their kids will starve. === Why Bidets Are Nice (02:09) === [00:13:57] As much as rock stars like to rock it and like to look badass, they don't go that deep. [00:14:02] They don't go diamonds. [00:14:03] I heard a theory on that. [00:14:04] It's that black people, rappers and stuff, they're just doing what they thought was rich when they were little. [00:14:10] So it's always them holding a bowl of sugar cereal and cars and hot booty women. [00:14:15] Yeah, but it's like, oh, this looks like rich stuff. [00:14:17] Rasheed Wallace got a urinal installed in his house. [00:14:20] Nothing wrong with that. [00:14:21] That's probably a good move. [00:14:22] Especially one of those splashless. [00:14:24] Save water. [00:14:26] They have like a little disc, a little UFO you piss on. [00:14:29] Somehow or another, it goes somewhere. [00:14:31] You don't have to rinse it with water. [00:14:33] Yeah, that's like the latest eco thing. [00:14:35] But it's been rejected by plumbers. [00:14:37] Plumbers don't like it because it cuts back on the maintenance, so they try to say it's unsanitary. [00:14:41] But in actuality, the other ones are more unsanitary. [00:14:45] How weird is that? [00:14:46] Yeah. [00:14:46] There's been studies, Joe Diaz. [00:14:48] Studies on piss. [00:14:49] Let's talk about urine. [00:14:51] Let me tell you something. [00:14:51] When I was a kid in the first house, I moved into North Bergen, a nice big one. [00:14:55] We had a fucking bidet. [00:14:57] Really? [00:14:57] Did you really? [00:14:58] Yeah. [00:14:58] I had a bank in the show. [00:14:59] When I was about eight or nine or ten... [00:15:01] I used to go over there, take a shit in my mother's bathroom, turn the bidet on and hit you in the fucking face. [00:15:05] You know what I'm saying? [00:15:06] But then you put your little muffler on that bidet, you get that little hot water going. [00:15:10] That was the first time I ever had that little cranky in your little muffler. [00:15:14] But then you blast it hard. [00:15:15] Ooh, your asshole's spotless. [00:15:17] You could feel it shiny. [00:15:18] I was about 10. That's when my asshole used to shine. [00:15:21] You know what I'm saying? [00:15:22] I use my bidet for carrying magazines. [00:15:24] You don't use it, though? [00:15:26] You never wash your hands? [00:15:27] Yeah, I got one. [00:15:28] I would use that shit every day. [00:15:29] It's so much better than wetting toilet paper. [00:15:31] Oh, I know. [00:15:32] It just seems so bizarre. [00:15:33] I am so sick of sticking to a bidet. [00:15:34] Seems un-American. [00:15:35] Seems like giving in to the French. [00:15:36] What am I doing here? [00:15:38] I'm not supporting my own. [00:15:39] What am I doing here? [00:15:41] What a roll of goddamn toilet paper is not enough for you, Rogan. [00:15:44] I feel like I'm not supporting my own bidet. [00:15:46] No, I don't mind using toilet paper, but the bidet is nice to wash your ass in the middle of the day. [00:15:51] It seems like a lot of a commitment. [00:15:53] When you wipe your butt, it's like, well, yeah, I know it's still stinky and gross, but it's not that much of a commitment. [00:15:59] Well, I use baby wipes. [00:16:02] Have you ever been about to fuck? [00:16:02] I wipe my butt. [00:16:03] What?