Jan. 13, 2011 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:50:11
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
|
unidentified
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*music* Throw you in a choke, gun smoke, gun smoke. | |
| Vicky Smokes for Mayor, the Rack Slayer, the hookah layer Relax and take notes While I take totes of the marijuana smoke Throw you in a choke, gun smoke, gun smoke. | ||
| Biggie Smokes for mayor, the rap slayer, the hookah layer. | ||
| Motherfuckers, say your prayers. | ||
| Hail Mary, full of grace. | ||
| Smack the bitch in the face, take her Gucci bag, and her North Face off her back. | ||
| Japper if she act. | ||
| Funny with the money, oh, you got me mistaken, honey. | ||
| I don't wanna rape ya, I just We on now? | ||
| There we go. | ||
| This is Biggie Smalls mixed up with Led Zeppelin. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Who did this? | ||
|
unidentified
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Doesn't even say. | |
| It's pretty fucking badass. | ||
| Yeah, it doesn't even say who did it. | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the podcast. | ||
| Our guest today is the one and only Mr. Al Madrigal. | ||
| Longtime friend. | ||
| Al and I first worked together in San Francisco at the old, old Cops. | ||
| Little tiny Cops. | ||
| The 150 seater. | ||
| Does he even seat 150 feet? | ||
| Probably 200 tops. | ||
| Tom Sawyer squeezing chairs in. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Illegally. | ||
| I don't think it got that big. | ||
| All kinds of fire codes and violations. | ||
| Let's say 150 so we don't get anybody in trouble. | ||
| But it was a fucking awesome little club. | ||
| And then now it's like totally different. | ||
| Now it's like this big gigantic thing. | ||
| We did New Year's there. | ||
| The first New Year's. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| We've done a lot of gigs. | ||
| We've done a lot of gigs. | ||
| San Francisco. | ||
| We're going way back to like what? | ||
| 2000 maybe? | ||
| 2000 I think. | ||
| Something like that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's 11 years. | ||
| I met you when I had just started to do stand-up comedy a year in. | ||
| Yeah, we worked together at the Old Cobbs. | ||
| You were funny back then, even. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| You little fuck. | ||
| It's funny, because I just think I just figured it out. | ||
| I just feel like my latest stuff has been clearly... | ||
| How many years are you in now? | ||
| 12 years. | ||
| 12 years. | ||
| That's what they say. | ||
| They say 10 years. | ||
| It takes 10 years for you to become a real comic. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'll buy that. | ||
| I'll buy that totally. | ||
| Or, you know, I heard it put that it takes 7 years to get your law degree, and then another 7 years for you to become a good lawyer. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So it's like, that's the same thing with stand-up. | ||
| Yeah, practicing as a professional comedian for X amount of years, and then, you know, becoming really good at it. | ||
| Finding your own space. | ||
| Finding who the fuck you are without influence of other comedians, and... | ||
| And actually having your real personality be you on stage. | ||
| That shit takes a long-ass time. | ||
| It really does. | ||
| Especially if you're distracted, if you have other things going on. | ||
| Oh, and it's easy. | ||
| Also, you lose your way as a stand-up, and a lot of guys just stop trying. | ||
| My big pitfalls have always been TV shows. | ||
| They've been great, like news radio especially. | ||
| When I was on news radio, we worked some serious long hours. | ||
| So you're working and you're taking away from your stand-up. | ||
| You're not able to hit the clubs as much as you like. | ||
| I've been on... | ||
| I've done... | ||
| Six pilots? | ||
| And two that made it on the air? | ||
| So I know exactly what you're talking about. | ||
| Because you're working every single day. | ||
| And then we have families. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you've got to spend time with them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then stand-up gets pushed to three when stand-up is usually number one. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Very hard to justify getting on stage all the time. | ||
| And for me, I just straight got lazy. | ||
| Because not only did I... I did stand-up on the weekends. | ||
| I would do like... | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| How dare you, Al Magical. | ||
|
unidentified
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I'm sorry. | |
| The funniest ringtone, too. | ||
| Oh, by the way, we're sponsored by The Fleshlight. | ||
| Yeah, by the way, that's a good reason. | ||
| That's why karma. | ||
| It's Fleshlight calling. | ||
| Tell us. | ||
| Yo, bitch, we pay you. | ||
| Yeah, we are actually sponsored by The Fleshlight. | ||
| If you go to JoeRogan.net and click the link, you get 15% off. | ||
| And I endorse it. | ||
| It's a fucking good product. | ||
| Have you ever used one, buddy? | ||
| No, I have not. | ||
| No one has had sex with that, so it's clean. | ||
| That's the butthole version. | ||
| Yeah, great. | ||
| Touch that. | ||
| It's technology, man. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Put your finger in it. | ||
| It's very plastic-y and realistic. | ||
| It's very realistic, right? | ||
| Sure, this is a good product. | ||
| There's nothing better for beating off. | ||
| It's a commitment. | ||
| You've got to go out of your way and say, okay, I'm going to fuck this tube now. | ||
| With this and the coconut juice, I feel like I learned two great things. | ||
| Yeah, C2O sent us a bunch of cases of coconut juice, but I ran out of them. | ||
| Sorry, C2O. This is Amy and Brian's. | ||
| I had to pay for this shit. | ||
| Which is really good, too. | ||
| They're all good. | ||
| They're great. | ||
| But C2O gave me some free shit, so props! | ||
| But the flashlight, if you go, like I said, if you go to the link on JoeRogan.net, click it, and enter in the code ROGAN, and you get 15% off. | ||
| And it's a good product, like I said. | ||
| Where is it? | ||
| Put that lid on it. | ||
| Yeah, you got to keep it fresh. | ||
| I don't want to get it dusty with cat hairs and shit, man. | ||
| I got cats. | ||
| Yeah, and you're allergic to cats, so you might be... | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| It hasn't affected me yet, but there's a very good chance that I could completely lose it and have to be rushed to the hospital. | ||
| There's no big deal. | ||
| I think that the volcano is going to bypass all that and put it in order for you. | ||
| Is it a breathing thing, or do you get swollen up? | ||
| It's breathing, eyes, throat closes the whole time. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Mouth-to-mouth resuscitation might be necessary. | ||
| In other words, he's a pussy. | ||
| Well, that's the thing. | ||
| That's what a large part of my act has become about. | ||
| Allergies? | ||
| Me talking to a cholo, but I have allergies. | ||
| No, I do a couple different stories that I have. | ||
| There's a cholo soccer dad that I'm talking about and stuff like that. | ||
| It's all about me having allergies in front of black people. | ||
| Feeling genetically inferior. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Hey, sorry. | ||
| Here's a fascinating thing that I read about the H1N1 virus, that flu virus. | ||
| They're saying now that the people that survived it, the people that got it and survived it, they have like super immune systems now. | ||
| And now they don't get any flus. | ||
| They don't get any of the flus. | ||
| It's like, and they think that they may be able to come up with a universal vaccine for flus based on the H1N1. Wow. | ||
| Based on the people that survived. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Pretty fascinating shit, man. | ||
| Yeah, use them all. | ||
| It was a motherfucker of a flu. | ||
| The thing about those flus is they're getting better. | ||
| They're getting stronger. | ||
| They evolve just like everything else evolves. | ||
| And when these assholes take their fucking medicine, they don't take it all. | ||
| This is especially true about antibiotics. | ||
| People who get sick and they take antibiotics and they only take it until they feel better, like say if you're supposed to take it for 10 days, the bacteria that survive is like super powerful antibiotic resistant bacteria. | ||
| So that becomes like this strain that's almost impossible to kill. | ||
| That's where this MRSA shit comes from. | ||
| The people are dying from these crazy staph infections. | ||
| It's because assholes don't take their fucking pills. | ||
| They take like a percentage of them and then they quit. | ||
| And they develop this new fucking super virus because of that. | ||
| These cunts. | ||
| So you gotta finish all your medication. | ||
| Finish your medication, bitches. | ||
| You're not smarter than the scientists who created this shit. | ||
| So what we're asking people to do is use the fleshlight and coconut juice. | ||
| Beat off into that shit. | ||
| Use your medication. | ||
| Take all of it. | ||
| Take all that shit. | ||
| I'm really bad at that. | ||
| I admit it. | ||
| I get down to the last one or two. | ||
| I'm just as guilty as anybody else. | ||
| For humanity. | ||
| Take that shit. | ||
| They should give two extra just so I don't take those two. | ||
| Oh my god, they should treat you like a child. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I'd be bad at birth control. | ||
| But yeah, they should do it. | ||
| Oh, you'd be pregnant for sure. | ||
| Yeah, I'd be totally knocked up. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| Portions all day long. | ||
| You know, they say that a big supply of pharmaceutical drugs are in the water supply. | ||
| There's not a big supply, but a big percentage. | ||
| There's measurable amounts of everything. | ||
| Everything from antidepressants to birth control pills. | ||
| In the water supply? | ||
| Yeah, because people flush their shit. | ||
| People flush their stuff down the toilet. | ||
| I mean, that's where your water supply is coming from. | ||
| A lot of it's coming from reconstituted poop water. | ||
| Sure, sure. | ||
| In some places, right? | ||
| Isn't that where they get their water supply? | ||
| They fucking fix up the poop water. | ||
| The water doesn't go anywhere. | ||
| It's never going to die. | ||
| It's the same water. | ||
| Jesus Christ, how much can you filter out where you're leaving in the birth control pills but giving me no poop? | ||
| You're sure there's no poop in this? | ||
| There's gotta be some poop in there, you fuck. | ||
| I'd like some poop-free water. | ||
| Yeah, if the same water is coming our way that birth control pills get into... | ||
| Unless I'm ignorant about how birth control pills get into water and they're not being dumped off. | ||
| Is the amount of birth pills or anything going into the water system, is that really large enough to affect it? | ||
|
unidentified
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I don't know. | |
| It's a good question, but I would like 0% of birth control pills in my diet. | ||
| There's no pregnant water anymore, at least. | ||
|
unidentified
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Hmm. | |
| What? | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think, you know, we gotta be real careful about that shit, man. | ||
| You know, the idea that water is 96% of our bodies and it's the one thing that we love to throw things into. | ||
| It's so fucking stupid. | ||
| You know, we need water. | ||
| Obviously, humans need water. | ||
| But we're always dumping shit in the water because it's so easy. | ||
| We're such cunts. | ||
| Especially Al. | ||
| Al does that all the time. | ||
| I do a lot of, like, vigilante dumping. | ||
| Just dumping oil and shit. | ||
| No, or, you know, I say I'm guilty because when I see a dumpster near my house, I'm like, I gotta put a fucking nut chair in there. | ||
| Well, there's nothing wrong with that. | ||
| That's not throwing things in the ocean. | ||
| All countries in these companies are actually fucking... | ||
| Oh, you know that 1-800-JUNK? What is that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's where the new trucks, they come and get your shit. | ||
| They're shipping it to fucking China, where they're paying for cheap landfill. | ||
| So huge, huge, like, secret in the night fucking barges full of our shit. | ||
| It shows up in China and there's just landfill all over the place. | ||
| And so, I mean, us flushing pills down there, I mean, that's the least of our trouble. | ||
| It's all these foreign countries that don't have any fucking laws that are just allowing you to dump and bury and fucking there's toxic waste that we're shipping over there. | ||
| It's horrible. | ||
| Dude, China is crazy. | ||
| They developed some new eco-city. | ||
| It's fucking fantastical. | ||
| Have you seen this thing? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's on my Twitter. | ||
| Brian, have you seen it? | ||
|
unidentified
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Mm-mm. | |
| I posted it. | ||
| Someone tweeted it and I retweeted it. | ||
| It's pretty fucking amazing, man. | ||
| There's this new city that they have. | ||
| It looks like some gigantic future space, solar-powered greenhouse of a city. | ||
| It's like they have glass domes over buildings. | ||
| It's fascinating. | ||
| China's Pauly Shore running around inside. | ||
| Look at it. | ||
| It's like The Simpsons. | ||
| What is the title of the article so someone can Google if they want to Google it? | ||
| What does it say? | ||
| Teixin EcoCity in China. | ||
| You can just type in EcoCity in China. | ||
| EcoCity in China will find it. | ||
| Forget that first word. | ||
| It's an amazing world we live in. | ||
| We can just do that. | ||
| How fucking cool is that? | ||
| You can just type that into a box and it just gives you the instant information. | ||
| Instant information. | ||
| Instant. | ||
| We don't even realize how crazy that is. | ||
| Why is there college anymore? | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
| Just a way to torture you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Get you to go somewhere and fuck. | ||
| There's a commercial on right now where they're doing that. | ||
| You just see families sitting around a phone and they look over and they see just B actors who they don't know who exactly it is. | ||
| And it says, it says his name is so-and-so. | ||
| And these people are just Googling and getting instant information on the spot when they need it. | ||
| And that's totally what we're doing. | ||
| My phone is fantastic. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| That's when people have their phones on in comedy shows. | ||
| I say, I realize that's a fascinating device. | ||
| I mean, I have one. | ||
| I fucking look at it all the time and I love it. | ||
| But now's not the time to have it, so just put it in. | ||
| That's my first one. | ||
| Do you wig out on people that film you? | ||
| I make them stop a lot. | ||
| Some people are just so blatant with it. | ||
| They're like sitting right in the front row and they're pointing a camera at you and filming. | ||
| Just flip video camera just straight up. | ||
| This is so silly. | ||
| I usually point it out, but sometimes people don't care. | ||
| Yeah, you want to go just enjoy the fucking moment. | ||
| Enjoy the show. | ||
| Everything doesn't have to go on YouTube. | ||
| I do the Laugh Factory and you're standing on the stage and there's two monitors on the side. | ||
| You've done that, Chloe. | ||
| Sure. | ||
|
unidentified
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Sometimes I look in the audience and people are watching me on the fucking monitor. | |
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
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It's like, I'm going here, lady. | |
| What the fuck? | ||
| Yeah, that's weird. | ||
| People do that at the UFC all the time, too. | ||
| They watch the fights on the monitor. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's in front of you. | ||
| Wow, happening. | ||
| I see that. | ||
| I do that sometimes ringside. | ||
| I catch myself doing that. | ||
| Dude, replay. | ||
| On cage side, the guys are fighting five feet in front of me and I'm looking at this little 13-inch monitor in front of me. | ||
| Well, sometimes you get a better perspective. | ||
| Yeah, that's why I'm doing it. | ||
| But it's still funny that I'm doing it. | ||
| Yeah, you're right there. | ||
| It's right there and I'm watching a TV. Yeah, it's ridiculous. | ||
| I like it on the UFC just because it's like the different camera angles, especially when you get on the ground, you can't see anything on the floor. | ||
| Close, yeah. | ||
| Totally, yeah. | ||
| That's where it's real confusing, too, if you're in the stands and you don't have commentary. | ||
| Like, a lot of times you don't see what guys are going for, you don't see how a guy's trying to set something up, you know? | ||
| You just went to your first UFC, right? | ||
| My very first one was the Las Vegas Poms. | ||
| Yeah, real recently. | ||
| Spike's Fight Night. | ||
| Spike Fight Night. | ||
| Couldn't get it out. | ||
| What it is is the finals of The Ultimate Fighter. | ||
| Jason Tebow was around. | ||
| He got a ticket from you and he sat closer. | ||
| He was just texting us constantly saying who he was sitting next to. | ||
|
unidentified
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Really? | |
| He was like a little girl. | ||
| Rampage was behind him. | ||
| And he goes, I'm in front of Rampage! | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh, yeah. | |
| He just couldn't believe, you know, so he was all about his location. | ||
| Very funny guy. | ||
| He was like a little kid in a candy store, he said. | ||
| He was just loving life. | ||
| He dressed up, he wore a blazer. | ||
| Yeah, he wore a blazer. | ||
| And rainbow socks. | ||
| Great job. | ||
| Teb's a good dude. | ||
| He's a good dude. | ||
| Very funny, too. | ||
| Very funny guy. | ||
| Very smart guy. | ||
| And he's been around for a long time. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| And hilarious. | ||
| Frustrating when, you know, you see a guy like that that's not getting anywhere and you're like, how come? | ||
| You know, what's going on? | ||
| Yeah, what's happening? | ||
| Why isn't Teb famous, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Strange world we live in. | ||
| This comedy world. | ||
| So when I met you, you'd only been doing it, like, what, two years? | ||
| Even less than that. | ||
| Less than that? | ||
| Wow, dude. | ||
| I met you in a day, son. | ||
| And then you recommended me for the comedy store. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| It's all right. | ||
| It was you and Freddie Soto. | ||
| And I was like, oh, this is the best! | ||
| How can I go in? | ||
| And then we were doing the Fridays and Saturday nights there until everything blew up over there. | ||
| And then I've worked with you quite a bit. | ||
| A lot of comedy store gigs, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you used to have that, you put in the recorder, what I always appreciated, that Joe bought a digital recorder, not a digital, a CD burner for the club. | ||
| And so I'd go in there with a CD just constantly on a Friday night and just show up and handle my CD. I have all the... | ||
| Well, I had three different things that I bought. | ||
| I started out with a DAT player, a DAT recorder. | ||
| I had digital audio tape installed there. | ||
| But the problem with that is that no one had a DAT player. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So then I said, okay, we'll get mini-disc because that seems like a good format. | ||
| But the problem was mini-disc died out. | ||
|
unidentified
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Sure. | |
| So then I switched it to CD. It was awesome. | ||
| So I put three different systems in there. | ||
| The CD and then you had all of those live moments that you never really get on a comedy album. | ||
| Yeah, all recorded at the comedy store. | ||
| Yeah, it was perfect. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| Well, you know, it's just like we needed to have it there and there was a budget issue. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| At least the comedy store appreciated you after you did all these nice things. | ||
| Well, Mitzi did. | ||
| The real comedy store did. | ||
| That was where my loyalty was in the first place. | ||
| Now they're putting it in a kitchen oven. | ||
| I would actually know that. | ||
| Good. | ||
| Good place to get food poisoning. | ||
| 20 years too late. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| You know how much money they lost for not having just nachos? | ||
| Yeah, but you know what, dude? | ||
| This is a comedy story. | ||
| This is who it's supposed to be. | ||
| The real issue there was that they stopped nurturing good comedy, and they had a lot of the issues that Al and I were talking about right before the show that he's dealing with there right now. | ||
| They don't have the right intentions. | ||
| They're not looking out for comedy. | ||
| They're not even looking out for the club anymore. | ||
| They're just looking out for short dollars. | ||
| They're looking out for what's going to work and what's going to get them money right now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's tough because I really, I mean, on those Friday and Saturdays, I remember those. | ||
| I honestly want some of the best nights. | ||
| You were there for all of them. | ||
| Some of the best nights that I've ever had as a comic. | ||
| That place packed. | ||
| And it's like that old Cobbs that you were talking about. | ||
| When you get that 150 to 200 seater just really packed, that's a great... | ||
| That was a fun gig, man, because when I was doing Fear Factor, I couldn't really travel. | ||
| And so I just set up shop at the comedy store. | ||
| And I set it up so that... | ||
| I paid for everything. | ||
| I paid for the sound system. | ||
| I advertised everything on MySpace. | ||
| I never asked for a dime. | ||
| Packed the place every weekend and worked totally for free. | ||
| And when that was happening, man, that was the most fun time ever for comedy for me. | ||
| We had some good times. | ||
|
unidentified
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Crazy weekends. | |
| Crazy weekends. | ||
| At least 10 times I bought the entire audience's shots. | ||
| Oh yeah, that's crazy. | ||
| I forgot about that. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| The whole audience had shots. | ||
| Whenever I would kick somebody out, I would go, look, I know that we just went through this douchey moment together, but we can change this. | ||
| We can get out of this feeling. | ||
| I know this feels terrible. | ||
| We had some drunk assholes yelling things and they got kicked out. | ||
| And everybody feels weird, like, what the fuck, man? | ||
| And there's a few people going, oh, they paid too. | ||
|
unidentified
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Stop! | |
| Those are douchebags, right? | ||
| We're not douchebags. | ||
| We're going to change all this shit. | ||
| So I would like to buy you guys a drink, everybody, and kind of bring the mood back. | ||
| And everybody would cheer. | ||
| And we'd all wait. | ||
| I would say that's the one thing that we've got to wait. | ||
| We've got to wait. | ||
| And everybody waited, man. | ||
| Every time. | ||
| We never had an issue with people drinking their shots. | ||
| Early. | ||
| The waitresses, they hustled, they came back and forth. | ||
| They had to do like fucking 10, 15 trips, you know, with big trays full of shots. | ||
| But we gave shots to everybody that wanted them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Probably a few alcoholics fell off the wagon. | ||
| Probably a few guys were like, well, fuck it, man. | ||
| He's giving me a shot. | ||
| I don't want to be a dick. | ||
| And next thing he's blacked out with his pants down. | ||
| You know, a lot of people say, shots for everybody. | ||
| But that was a shitload of people. | ||
| It was thousands of dollars every time. | ||
| It wasn't shots for everybody and there was 10 people there in the bar. | ||
| That's what shots for everybody in a big fucking room. | ||
| But it worked, though. | ||
| It totally restored the vibe. | ||
| Because first of all, everybody knew that I was paying for it. | ||
| So it was going to cost real money. | ||
| And it was just all for the vibe to fix it because we can. | ||
| That was the whole attitude about it. | ||
| And that should be the attitude of comedy. | ||
| It's about getting into it and finding what's fucking fun about it. | ||
| And taking everybody to what's fun. | ||
| And when you have an opportunity to correct the vibe of the room. | ||
| You know, if you can do it like that, that's really what it's all about, right? | ||
| Now, Al, you said you used to do a podcast like five years ago when the podcast first came out, and those were really big back in the day, and they kind of died. | ||
| Yeah, there was like a podcast. | ||
| What was it called? | ||
| You know, it was four years ago. | ||
| I don't even know what it was. | ||
| You don't know your own podcast is called? | ||
| I did 17 episodes. | ||
| That's a lot. | ||
| Do you think it's a lot? | ||
| I did a TV show in 1994. I only did six episodes. | ||
| I can tell you a lot about it. | ||
| It was, it was, we had sort of many names for the thing, but it was the, I did it with Peter Murrieta, a comedy writer, and so it was just, he's half Mexican and I'm half Mexican, and it was two. | ||
| Combining full China, together you were one Mexican. | ||
| It was called the two, yeah, one Mexican. | ||
| Together we are one Mexican. | ||
| That would be a good name for it. | ||
| Together one Mexican. | ||
| Together we are one Mexican. | ||
| And we still don't speak Spanish. | ||
| You don't speak anything? | ||
| No, not really. | ||
| It's horrible. | ||
| Beaners must get mad at you. | ||
| Yeah, it's... | ||
| Like I said, just like the allergies put me... | ||
| I'm in a weird spot with the big guy with the Laker jersey. | ||
| The big guys with the Laker jersey. | ||
| You know, and that's my problem also, is that they... | ||
| In LA, they segment you. | ||
| When I was working with Joe in San Francisco when we first started, I didn't even know I was a Latino comic. | ||
| I was just a comic. | ||
| And then you move down to LA, and immediately I got put in this HBO Aspen comedy thing where it was me, Jeff Garcia, Freddy Soto, Willie Barsena, all these guys together. | ||
| They're like, get on the bus, Vic. | ||
| Yeah, and they gave me a tin of Red Hots. | ||
| They brought me a tin of Red Hots. | ||
| And they said, this is for you. | ||
| It says HBO Latino on it. | ||
| And this guy, Mateo, comes up and goes, my name is Mateo. | ||
| Can I interview you in Spanish? | ||
| You know, and shit like that. | ||
| I was like, yeah, you can fucking try. | ||
| It's not going to work out, Mateo. | ||
| I don't know why. | ||
| I'm not a Latino comic. | ||
| I'm just a fucking comic. | ||
| And I went to my friend, Becky Pettigo. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was like, they give you a hat, and they give me fucking Red Hots. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm not with these guys. | ||
| And I looked at her and I swear to God. | ||
| I'm not with these guys. | ||
| I said, I said, I looked at her and I go, I'm a Mexican comedian. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I swear to God. | |
| And I was like, I just learned it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no. | |
| And so I did the sets. | ||
| And that's weird for me because, you know, it's just like you sort of get put in that group and they all sort of make funny. | ||
| I did New Year's. | ||
| Did they make fun of you? | ||
| Like the real Mexican comics? | ||
| Dude, I remember walking up to, you know how those comedy breakdance circles form? | ||
| A group of comics standing in a circle. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| And I do CTV, the Latino comedy festival on TV show for CTV, a shitty wannabe English-speaking Latino station. | ||
| I think still exists. | ||
| And it's really tiny at the time. | ||
| So they're doing stand-up. | ||
| And I stand up in there with this guy Rick Gutierrez and all these Mexican comics. | ||
| And they're talking about how him and Gabriel live together and they don't go on the road. | ||
| They're on the road so much that no one's ever at their house. | ||
| And I look at them and I go, wow, must have a lot of dead plants. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then the guy looks at me and goes, we don't have any plants, bro. | |
| What are you talking about? | ||
| We don't have any plants, bro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| No plants? | ||
| That's how I feel around all these guys. | ||
| I got made fun of every night over New Year's by a comic that I was supposed to co-headline with. | ||
| I'll never do another Latino show again. | ||
| You got made fun of? | ||
| Yeah, I was supposed to co-headline. | ||
| Who is it? | ||
| It's fucking Willie. | ||
| Willie Barsan made fun of you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, he didn't think he was making fun of me, but we had a conversation about it, and I felt like he was just... | ||
| He kept bringing up my name, like, saying... | ||
| And he actually said this at one point. | ||
| He goes, I don't want my kids to grow up like Al, you know? | ||
| Like, all scared. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| And she was talking about me and doing the whole, my name is Al Madrigal and I'm a Latino. | ||
| Like, okay, I fucking get it. | ||
| I talk about myself and I'm self-deprecating. | ||
| So we were doing the New Year's countdown and he was off on his time. | ||
| He started trying to do the countdown five minutes early. | ||
| Everybody has fucking cell phones. | ||
| They call him on, you know, they're like, no, it's not it! | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| And so he has to wait. | ||
| And then he yells to the back of the room to the manager at the sack punch. | ||
| He goes, you trying to humiliate me, bro, up here on stage? | ||
| And I grabbed the back mic, flipped it on really quick, and I go, what's the matter, Willie? | ||
| Don't like being humiliated on stage? | ||
| Does that fucking get to you? | ||
| And he's like this badass. | ||
| He's like an East L.A. street fighter that's killed people. | ||
| And then he goes, we had a problem, bro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he goes, I love Willie. | |
| And I go, look Willie. | ||
| And I made him understand. | ||
| I go, I get just as angry as you do, but I don't have the fighting ability. | ||
| Do you understand me? | ||
| I go, I'm just as fired up as you've killed guys, you know, and fucking annihilated people. | ||
| And I don't have the ability to do that, but I still feel fucking angry as shit. | ||
| So you got angry at him saying that you were scared on stage, that he was talking shit about you on stage. | ||
| I just don't like when any comic brings up to your next comic before them and starts really fucking referring to somebody, you know, and... | ||
| Derogatory. | ||
| Yeah, he was using me as an example of what... | ||
| But what if you were really good friends with them and you were joking around with them, like... | ||
| I have friends and they go on after each other and joke around about each other. | ||
| Joey will go on after Ari and talk about Ari being a Jew. | ||
| But how well do those guys know each other? | ||
| Real good. | ||
| I always make fun of Joey. | ||
| But it's like... | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| Then it's all about the relationship. | ||
| I totally get that. | ||
| So your relationship, it's more like he's actually mocking you. | ||
| Yeah, I think it really fucking means it. | ||
| I don't want my kids to grow up like you all scared. | ||
| At Montreal in 2002, and I've told him this story, and we've talked about it, and I walked up to him, and he was the only other non-white, you know, like, he's the only Latino guy there, and I don't know anybody, and I waved to him. | ||
| I go, hey, Willie! | ||
| Hey, nice to meet you. | ||
| Al Madrigal. | ||
| And he looked at me and goes, you don't even say your own last name right, bro. | ||
| Like, I'm talking Wow. | ||
| How are you supposed to say it? | ||
| Like Madrigal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| You're supposed to really... | ||
| Could you imagine if you really did that though and rolled your tongue and everything? | ||
| You'd be committed to every other word. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| You can't just do it for that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You can't just roll the name and not roll anything. | ||
| Well, when I was in college, you went to Tijuana. | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Oh, excuse me. | ||
| Tijuana. | ||
| Tijuana. | ||
| Yeah, you got to commit. | ||
| When I do the weigh-ins and I have to pronounce dudes' names, I have to decide whether or not I want to commit to that super Spanish way of saying things, you know? | ||
| And there's a lot of Mexicans in the UFC, right? | ||
| Sure, yeah, yeah. | ||
| It's the correct way to say it. | ||
| But it's like, you know, like, Montreal is how we say it. | ||
| But they say Montreal. | ||
| They say Montreal. | ||
| So really, you should say Montreal. | ||
| Like, who the fuck are you to say Montreal? | ||
| That's not their city, asshole. | ||
| I used to get pissed when people say Frisco and shit like that. | ||
| You did? | ||
| No San Franciscan likes Stug and Frisco. | ||
| You're really, like, touchy. | ||
| Oh, San Fran. | ||
| You used to get pissed at them calling it San Fran? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no, no, no. | |
| I'm just saying as a native... | ||
| Do you prefer Faggotville? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I do. | ||
| What is the most derogatory name to think about San Francisco? | ||
| No, I'm just saying when you're calling it the wrong thing and you're a local, you know... | ||
| I mean, no one's expected to pronounce everything correctly. | ||
| By the way, I'm not saying faggot anymore. | ||
| Out of retirement. | ||
| It's an example of a derogatory thing that's someone else. | ||
| Yeah, I totally stopped saying faggot. | ||
| Did you hear that Toronto is censoring the Mark Knopfler song, the Dire Straits song? | ||
| What is that song? | ||
| The Rockstar song? | ||
| What is that fucking song? | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| It's Dire Straits. | ||
| You don't know who Dire Straits is? | ||
| Money for Nothing. | ||
| Money for Nothing and Chicks for Free? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because that song has the word faggot in it three times. | ||
| Oh, you little faggot. | ||
| With his own jet airplane. | ||
| That little faggot, he's a millionaire. | ||
| Damn, I forgot about that. | ||
| That shit was on the radio. | ||
| So just the city of Toronto, that's it? | ||
| Well, no, it was in Toronto. | ||
| It was in the newspaper in Toronto. | ||
| And they've decided, I guess in Canada, to start censoring that song. | ||
| At least in Canada. | ||
| I mean, I don't know if they do in America. | ||
| When they play it on classic rock. | ||
| It's tricky. | ||
| It's tricky, man, because, I mean, that is a gay slur, and it's on a major song that's on the TV. That was a very popular song. | ||
| Remember, that was one of the first music videos, too. | ||
| Yeah, it was on TV. It was like 3D animation. | ||
| I don't think they said faggot on the... | ||
| Yes, they did. | ||
| Yeah, they did. | ||
| On the popular version? | ||
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
| On the television version, on the radio version. | ||
| Oh, we could look up the MTV video right now. | ||
| Yeah, let's look up the MTV video. | ||
| Let's not listen to it, though, because it's really not that good. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| You know, they had some killer songs, but that wasn't one of them. | ||
| That was just so poppy. | ||
| That was one of the old videos where they had like neon flashing in the background. | ||
| You know what's dope? | ||
| Roller Girl. | ||
| You ever heard that song Roller Girl from Dire Straits? | ||
| No, but Roller Girl from Boogie Nights. | ||
| You like that shit? | ||
| Apparently that bitch is crazy. | ||
| Oh, she just did the hangover. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| She was a hooker. | ||
| Yeah, she was a hooker. | ||
| That's a good roll. | ||
| Yeah, I heard she's off the charts crazy. | ||
| I love people like that. | ||
| Just like knowing they're out there. | ||
| Dire Straits. | ||
| It's not fun. | ||
| Do they have it? | ||
| Skate Away, Dire Straits Skate Away. | ||
| That could be it. | ||
| Yeah, Skate Away. | ||
| Let's say. | ||
| Skateaway? | ||
| Didn't he say Roller Girl? | ||
| Yeah, this is it. | ||
| This is a song from my childhood, man. | ||
| This is a song from... | ||
| I mean, I might have been like fucking 13 or 12 or some shit when this song was out. | ||
| They're brilliant musicians, man. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| It's a different kind of rock and roll. | ||
| They were really big, too. | ||
| It's not like this is some... | ||
| No, they were huge, bro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They were huge. | |
| They were huge. | ||
| When I was in high school, Dire Straits were gigantic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was... | |
| It's a cool video, too. | ||
| Is that a Walkman she has on? | ||
| Yeah, it's a giant, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The biggest Walkman. | |
| Yeah, it's a cassette. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The cars do the usual dances. | |
| Same old cruise in the curbside crawl. | ||
| The roll of guns, he's taking chances. | ||
| Just love to see her take them all. | ||
| No fear alone at night, she's sailing through the crowd. | ||
| In her ears, it's bones are tight and the music's playing loud. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| I'm not really feeling this song. | ||
| Are you guys? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Love it. | ||
| How dare you, Brian. | ||
| That girl needs to skate away from me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's ugly. | |
| She's living in 1979, dude. | ||
| They didn't have makeup back then. | ||
| They used to dress themselves up with flowers. | ||
| Yeah, clown makeup it looks like. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know she used to have to waitin' around. | |
| She used to be the lonely one. | ||
| This is a window to another world, bro. | ||
| This is a different era. | ||
| That's how crazy this fucking world is evolving and how quickly. | ||
| Look at that big stupid Walkman she's got on. | ||
| You know, her giant stupid headsets. | ||
| All those stupid headsets, big ones like we're wearing right now, they've made a comeback because of those beats. | ||
| Dr. Dre. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, everybody wants to pretend they're a fucking DJ. Yeah, you know, I'm gonna get a real good sample of this music, you know what I'm saying? | |
| I need full coverage of my ears, you know what I'm saying? | ||
| Like, I gotta hear the whole song. | ||
| I gotta hear the dirty shit in the background, you know what I'm saying? | ||
| I've got the Bose noise-canceling ones for airplanes. | ||
| Those are dope. | ||
| Yeah, the Beats ones, I have those. | ||
| They cancel the noise, too. | ||
| It's nice. | ||
| I like how rap battles have moved on to headphones now, because it's like you've got the Dr. Dre ones now, and I think 50 Cent has... | ||
| Luda. | ||
| Luda just came out with his own shit. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| Everybody should have their own headphones. | ||
| I want my own headphones. | ||
| That would be cool. | ||
| I think it's an easy company startup. | ||
| A little alien logo on the headphones. | ||
| You can smoke them when you're done listening. | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
| We could store a stash, like there's an extra battery area. | ||
| Everybody that listens to the show would have a set of those Joe Rogan headphones. | ||
| That would be weird. | ||
| That would be step one of the cult. | ||
| Step one. | ||
| Step two, purple Nikes. | ||
| Step three, alien logo tattooed somewhere in your body. | ||
| Step four, try DMT. Step five. | ||
| Have you embraced Twitter, Al? | ||
| Are you on that thing? | ||
| Are you addicted to it? | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I read a lot more than I post. | ||
| Someone's a lurker. | ||
| I'm not that much of a little guy. | ||
| So tell me this problem that you were having at the comedy store that you were talking about. | ||
| Well, you know, it's... | ||
| I guess when you stay in one place for too long, it's with your job or with anything else. | ||
| You just start to realize that the people... | ||
| If you start associating with the same people over and over again, sometimes it gets a little negative... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's always been a real negative vibe there. | ||
| But the stage time is amazing. | ||
| And we just were talking about all the good times. | ||
| It's like running with weights on. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what we talked about. | ||
| We had some great times there. | ||
| Definitely. | ||
| Working out there is harder than working out anywhere else. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think Blaine Kompatch, who's a very funny comedian, said, if comedy clubs were a video game, Then the Comedy Store would be one of the hardest levels. | ||
| Boss level. | ||
| Boss level. | ||
| And then you'd go like Laugh Factory Improv. | ||
| And then when you get down easy, it would be like the UCB and all those things. | ||
| Because they're very, very supportive and smart. | ||
| And everyone's paying attention. | ||
| And at the Comedy Store, I have Russian guys yelling out at you constantly. | ||
| And so... | ||
| But you know what, though? | ||
| The sad part about this store is when it reveals its true side. | ||
| When someone goes up who's not good and kills. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Someone goes up with some really dumb, hacky shit and they destroy. | ||
| That's what I was talking about. | ||
| And then you go, oh, you guys aren't cool. | ||
| No. | ||
| You're just in the dark. | ||
| That's what I was talking about. | ||
| You're just dummies in the dark. | ||
| It sort of makes you feel bad about yourself when you go up and you think you had a good set. | ||
| And then just the worst comic in the world goes up fucking two, three after you and just murders. | ||
| Well, you know, that's a symptom of what you were talking about with like the UCB. Well, the UCB is very well organized. | ||
| They've got a very clear ethic. | ||
| They're trying to, you know, put out good art. | ||
| They're trying to put out good comedy to support it. | ||
| You know, it's like it's very obvious what they're up to. | ||
| And so because of that, that's the kind of crowd they attract. | ||
| The Comedy Store is just, people are just walking by, you know, and they've heard the name, and they stumble in, and they don't know any better, or they know who's up. | ||
| It's dark and poorly advertised. | ||
| Or it could be, hey, Al Magical, put it on Twitter, he's gonna be at the Comedy Store tonight, let's go down and check it out. | ||
| But it's like, you get such a hodgepodge. | ||
| It is like a vortex of crazy people. | ||
| For whatever reason, crazy people are drawn to that spot. | ||
| I don't want to believe in energy. | ||
| I don't want to believe in any of that fucking crystal-sucking astrological bullshit. | ||
| I don't want to believe in that. | ||
| I want to take things on face value. | ||
| But if ever there was some evidence for a place having crazy energy and having a weird attraction to it... | ||
| That fucking comedy store was it, man. | ||
| I'm the same way. | ||
| I feel like I don't believe in any of that crap. | ||
| But if there was ever a place for that to exist, it would have to be. | ||
| Something weird is happening. | ||
| Yeah, maybe its effects are over-exaggerated. | ||
| You can't only have shitty times at a place like that. | ||
| But when you find out the history of that place, and you know that it was Bugsy Siegel's nightclub... | ||
| Back in the Prohibition days. | ||
| Abortion doctors. | ||
| Yeah, who said that? | ||
| Eliza Schlesinger said they were doing abortions in the basement. | ||
| But we always get into the subject about how fucking crazy that place is and how creepy it is. | ||
| But they kill people there, for sure. | ||
| And maybe there's like a little shred of that that's still in the room. | ||
| It's no funny bone. | ||
| There's no corporate comedy club that's a little bit different. | ||
| There's no animated microphone with another microphone standing in the background. | ||
| Showing you who's coming up next week. | ||
| That's the other thing. | ||
| When you get used to being in other clubs, you get used to working for the improv, and you see how fucking organized they are. | ||
| They have posters of guys that are going to be there next week with supporting acts. | ||
| The show times and they have a, you know, online where you can buy tickets. | ||
| It's all on the poster. | ||
| And they're just like way in advance. | ||
| You go to the store, there's a piece of paper that fucking Tommy's got spilled coffee on, you know, and has everybody's name written on it. | ||
| You know, and if you call in and you ask, oh, who's up tonight? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're like, um, um, who's up? | |
| Where's the fucking list? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Um, it's like nobody, nobody knows what's going on. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| But at one point in time, yeah, he wants to know if you're sucking cocks too. | ||
| That's what he asked Brian. | ||
| Brian, I'm sucking cocks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I get off stage and he goes, you're sucking cocks now too? | |
| Fucking work for Joe Rogan. | ||
| Fucking just went off on me. | ||
| I had like a good set and I get off stage Tommy and he just goes crazy on me. | ||
| Just saying I was gay and I was using the comedy store and I was a spy and I was sucking dicks and just fucking non-stop crazy shit. | ||
| Why did you get off stage and ask me, you're sucking dicks? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck is that? | |
| Well, what's funny is... | ||
| I don't want to be greeted like that ever. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It's bad. | ||
| And what sucked is like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's so cool. | |
| What's funny is I got off stage and I was just feeling so happy and good. | ||
| And then when he did that to me, I was like, oh, why are you doing this to me? | ||
| He buzzkilled you, dude. | ||
| He buzzkilled you. | ||
| Yeah, but after talking to a lot of comics, I guess that's just what he does. | ||
| And he's trying to scare you into things. | ||
| So he's using intimidation tactics? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She just swung on him. | ||
| When a dude does that, you swing on him, you put your dick in his face. | ||
| Just pull your dick out. | ||
| You hold him down, you pull your dick out, and just rub it all over his face. | ||
| Don't you ever fucking do that to me again. | ||
| I have thoughts like that constantly. | ||
| That's what makes me sort of dangerous. | ||
| I just gotta go in. | ||
| You gotta develop a good mount. | ||
| I just gotta go and do my job and get the fuck out. | ||
| You know what I'm talking about? | ||
| Talking about rubbing your dick on his face. | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah, well, there's a lot of negative energy in that place. | ||
| What you were talking about before that you don't want to talk about, obviously. | ||
| There's a new comedy thief at the comedy store, a guy that got kicked out of the Ha Ha Cafe, and he's another one of these guys that's blatantly on purpose looking to steal people's material and use it. | ||
| Yeah, but I have to be very clear, and I don't even want to get involved. | ||
| I don't even care. | ||
| Well, we're not even going to bring the guy's name up. | ||
| We don't even have to bring his name up. | ||
| That's not the issue. | ||
| What I was talking about was how the club justified it, and how they actually told you when you brought the guy's name up that he's not bad looking on the eyes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's actually a Tommy quote, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Whoopsies. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| Yeah, this is what he said to me. | ||
| So you're a comic now? | ||
| And I said, yeah, I try. | ||
| And he goes, you working for Joe Rogan still? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I still work for him. | ||
| You suck cock now, too? | ||
| What? | ||
| And then I wrote, I said, don't go together. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If you need to repeat that, you're working for Joe Rogan, you suck cock now. | |
| And Brian said, yeah, two. | ||
| I said, yeah, I suck two cocks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Two. | |
| Three, four cocks. | ||
| And then he goes, you come with me at this criticism. | ||
| You go on stage and you work for that phony fuck. | ||
| And it's just like, where is this coming from? | ||
| They just really took the wrong sides. | ||
| And this whole thing is about them making the wrong choices, you know, just throughout. | ||
| Look, they give me a lot of... | ||
| It's negative energy, man. | ||
| That's why they have to do it. | ||
| They're sucked into their own suck. | ||
| But then I got my ankle weights, and I want to go. | ||
| I can wear... | ||
| You don't have to, though. | ||
| It's not necessary. | ||
| My act got a lot better as soon as I stopped being there. | ||
| I got less angry. | ||
| And I think some of my comedy was being formed by the energy in that place. | ||
| There's a lot of great things about that place, but... | ||
| It's dark. | ||
| I love hanging out there. | ||
| I love it just because of the people. | ||
| But other than that, if they all hung out at fucking Waffle House, I'd be there. | ||
| Brian, you remember that time we were filming and that hooker came back and just started talking to us about the business and how she meets guys and how she sets it up? | ||
| It was pretty crazy, man. | ||
| Out of nowhere. | ||
| This girl just came up to us and she seemed fairly normal, right? | ||
| She didn't seem totally crazy. | ||
| She was just having a good time like everybody else. | ||
| Then she starts talking about being a hooker. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| I run into hookers a lot more often than I thought I would ever run into hookers. | ||
| They just come up and start talking to you, and they act normal. | ||
| They don't say that they're a hooker. | ||
| You think, oh, this girl's talking to me. | ||
| And then suddenly she slips into she's a hooker. | ||
| Sneaky little hooker. | ||
| Well, think of the world that you travel in, though. | ||
| You travel in a very interesting world. | ||
| I mean, if you looked at your life from any other part of the world, you take some guy from Idaho and say, hey, I'm going to hang out with this guy. | ||
| What are you going to do today? | ||
| Well, I'm going to hang out with this girl. | ||
| She's a penthouse pet of the year. | ||
| We're going to go to this porn awards party. | ||
| And then we're going to go to the improv where there's a naughty show and a bunch of porn stars are going to go up. | ||
| And then I'm going to hang out with some stand-up comedian friends of mine and we're going to smoke a lot of pot. | ||
| It's an interesting lifestyle. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| This is your life? | ||
| I want to go. | ||
| This is crazy, man. | ||
| Do you want to have a tag along? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I should have gone to college, I guess. | |
| Then you'd be out of work. | ||
| You sort of do look into your life and you're like, how did I end up doing a job? | ||
| But that's why there's so many hookers in your life is what I'm trying to tell you. | ||
| You're traveling in strange circles. | ||
| I'm definitely hooker material. | ||
| Not that there's anything wrong with being a hooker, man. | ||
| A buddy of mine was talking to me about this Thai massage place that he goes to, and they give you a real Thai massage, and then they jerk you off. | ||
| And he talked about it like it was the greatest meal. | ||
| You know, like I would talk to you about a certain steakhouse that knows exactly How to fucking cook a good piece of meat where you cut into that medium rare and the outside is just crispy, but the inside is juicy and delicious and warm and the fucking blood from the meat just fires up your synapses. | ||
| That's how this guy talked about getting jerked off by this Thai lady. | ||
| He was talking about it like it was the most amazing thing. | ||
| He goes, somebody told me to go to this place. | ||
| I didn't think it was that kind of place because it looked like a real place. | ||
| And he goes, and I go in there... | ||
| And I'm going, well, obviously, I'm not going to pull my pants down because this is a legit place. | ||
| I'm getting a real massage. | ||
| Like, they're giving him a real massage. | ||
| They're stretching him out, they're rubbing him down, elbows in, muscles loosening, all that thing. | ||
| He's like, I'm getting a legit massage. | ||
| There's no way this St. Broad's jerking me off. | ||
| And then at the end, after like 40 minutes of that, she's like, so, does that feel good to you? | ||
| And he's like, get the fuck out of here. | ||
| This is a fantasy. | ||
| She starts rubbing his leg. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, do you want anything more? | ||
| Do you want anything more? | ||
| And the next thing you know, she like glances over his dick and he arches his back like towards her hand as she glances over his dick and then she just gets, that's the green light, she gets a hold of it, pulls out the lotion, starts rubbing his balls, jerks him off, bam, done. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| It's like 40 bucks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| I've gone to a place like that, and the chick turned to me. | ||
| She's going to ask you if you want the extra parts, because a lot of them Abby charge more. | ||
| So she looks at me and she leans in and goes, do you want me to make banana cry? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| I said, what are you fucking saying to me? | ||
| Banana feels bad about himself just being in here. | ||
| Banana cry. | ||
| So she offered? | ||
| Yeah, offered banana cry. | ||
| And you said no? | ||
| Well, you know, since having... | ||
| Yeah, my daughter sort of spoiled me for a lot of fucking... | ||
| Yeah, porn too, right? | ||
| A little bit. | ||
| Yeah, me a lot. | ||
| Strip clubs, porn, all that. | ||
| It's not the same anymore. | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| I mean, it used to be. | ||
| I would go out all the time. | ||
| I'd be there. | ||
| Before you have babies, you look at them, and I used to look at them as, this is a really hot check. | ||
| Like, wow, look at that body. | ||
| Look at that ass. | ||
| Now I go, why is she dancing? | ||
| Probably because her dad didn't love her. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I'm going to love my daughter. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| I'm going to be a better dad. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And also, yeah. | ||
| And also the germ factor and shit, too. | ||
| Like, these chicks are rubbing up on fucking all these dudes. | ||
| I can't... | ||
| When I go to a... | ||
| If they try to put you in a comedy condo, I would start... | ||
| I won't allow it. | ||
| Because I start thinking about fucking Mark Curry rubbing one out on the couch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Mark Curry? | ||
| Why Mark Curry hanging with Mr. Cooper? | ||
| Dude, you look at the lineup and you go, oh my god, that guy was fucking here. | ||
| Mark Curry would be the least of my worries. | ||
| He's a cool dude. | ||
| Yeah, no, I love Mark Curry, but I'm just using him as an example of somebody just randomly in there. | ||
| I would go with Barry Diamond. | ||
| Barry Diamond just... | ||
| Barry Diamond shooting loads all over the couch. | ||
| Screaming, applying tanning cream. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He didn't have lotion, so he used his bronzer. | |
| It's fucking... | ||
| He wants this dark fucking mahogany looking dick. | ||
| Because he never has lotion, so he has to use tanning lotion. | ||
| So his dick is orange. | ||
| His dick is like a giant carrot. | ||
| Like oompa loompa orange. | ||
| Like a dirty carrot. | ||
| Yeah, there's always that one dude that you know could have stayed the country. | ||
| I'm surprised there's not more comedy porno. | ||
| I know there is some of it, but I don't know how many people want to watch it, but I'm surprised. | ||
| Like comics? | ||
| Mix comedy and porno together? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, you know, what's his face? | ||
| Thomas Ward, who does a fantastic Bill Cosby. | ||
| Bill Cosby. | ||
| Was in a couple of porns, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Cosby type porns, yeah. | ||
| Where he didn't bang anybody, but he does his act in the background. | ||
| Thomas Ward is another one, man. | ||
| I got that guy, introduced that guy to my manager. | ||
| Many, many years ago. | ||
| Because I was like, this kid has got something. | ||
| He's like real raw, and he's got a good way of looking at things, and he's fucking just a natural on stage. | ||
| But for whatever reason, it just fucking didn't click with him. | ||
| You know? | ||
| So goddamn tricky. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, it's like you picked the wrong wave. | ||
| You're not in the right mindset. | ||
| You know, you're not... | ||
| You can never really get your life in order. | ||
| Whatever the fuck it is that keeps you from getting it right. | ||
| There's a lot of guys that we know. | ||
| You know, Holtzman's name comes up all the time. | ||
| Yeah, but it's like just allowing yourself not to get distracted and just staying on point. | ||
| You know, Holtzman's got a job that he works. | ||
| I think he was a mechanic for aircraft at some point. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And so he's got all these other life distractions, and you've got to be fucking... | ||
| on it if you want to go get something. | ||
| You got to be on it 100% and that's it. | ||
| And I think these guys are half-assing it. | ||
| They got themselves to a position of comfort. | ||
| See, that's what happens with any sort of fucking dream is you get yourself to a point. | ||
| You're like, oh, you start sacrificing by like compromising and you go, oh, I don't really need fucking that. | ||
| I'm happy with this. | ||
| And you get just reached to a point where you settle, you know, and you don't give a shit anymore. | ||
| So you're just like, I'm cool with this. | ||
| This is a great life right here. | ||
| I can just fucking stop trying. | ||
| I got this. | ||
| That's totally what I did, man. | ||
| When I was on news radio, dude, I didn't write anything. | ||
| And here's one of the things that turned it around. | ||
| I did sets, and when I would do these sets, I would basically do the same fucking material that I had had for years and years and years before. | ||
| I would just go up on the weekends, because it was easy, because it was something to do. | ||
| You know, I had this TV show, so I was doing the TV show all the time, and the weekends, I'd only been in LA a year, I didn't really know that many people, so my social life was going to the comedy clubs. | ||
| So I would go up and I would just do the same act pretty much, just over and over and over again. | ||
| Nobody knew who I was. | ||
| I didn't have any responsibility. | ||
| I didn't have any fans. | ||
| I had no responsibility to give them new shit. | ||
| And I lost my feeling for it. | ||
| It wasn't real anymore to me. | ||
| I wasn't in the comedy mode for real. | ||
| Because I was just reiterating the same shit. | ||
| And a few writers from the TV show, from News Radio, came to see me at the Comedy Store. | ||
| And I had a really late night set. | ||
| It was really late night in the main room. | ||
| When you have those late night sets in the main room, the energy just gets sucked out of the room, where there's nothing. | ||
| And I went on like next to last, and I ate a dick. | ||
| I felt like while I was saying it, that what I was saying was stupid, that it just felt empty to me. | ||
| Just reciting the Yeah, I could feel them feeling bad for me. | ||
| I could feel them judging me and not liking what they see. | ||
| I just did not have it. | ||
| I just wasn't in the groove. | ||
| And then I realized I'm slacking. | ||
| I'm not really writing. | ||
| I'm not really performing. | ||
| I'm not putting any effort into it for over a year. | ||
| Maybe it might have been two years. | ||
| For over a year at least, I just would go up and do the same fucking tired shit over and over again. | ||
| But that bad set made me completely refocus. | ||
| And then within a year, I did my first CD. Because I just started going crazy. | ||
| And then I would go to stand-up. | ||
| I would do it every night. | ||
| I was doing it every night. | ||
| I was doing it at the Laugh Factory and the Improv. | ||
| And I was just trying to get in as many sets as I could and write as much new shit as I could. | ||
| I just realized, like, you can't just keep doing this anymore. | ||
| At some point, that goes off. | ||
| And then you're just trying to... | ||
| I also try to work new stuff in constantly. | ||
| I'm always adding just little chunks here and there. | ||
| Not even a whole new bit, but just adding to the old shit that I have. | ||
| And they're always growing and evolving. | ||
| That's why I have a hard time putting out bits too quickly. | ||
| Like, if you do something and then, you know, you put it out, you put out like a DVD, and then the next year you want to do another one like Louis C.K.'s doing, which is... | ||
| Really super ambitious. | ||
| But in my career, the things that I've done, they've always gotten way, way, way better as I kept doing them over a long period of time and sort of completely tweaked them and got them to the place where I have just the right punchlines and the right places, the right setup, think about the right material to do before you do it. | ||
| Yeah, I got an album that I just put out and I felt exactly the same way when I locked it. | ||
| You're like, oh shit. | ||
| And a couple jokes. | ||
| I'm trying just not to do any of that stuff anymore so I won't feel bad about it. | ||
| I can just put it away. | ||
| Yeah, once I do it, I think that's how you have to do it. | ||
| Bill Burr. | ||
| Bill Burr does that. | ||
| What does he do? | ||
| Once he does it on TV or on an album, it goes bye-bye and he just starts fresh. | ||
| Well, that's the Louis C.K. way, too. | ||
| That's what Louis is doing. | ||
| And I think you have to do that. | ||
| If you really want to keep moving, there's no way. | ||
| You can just do the same thing forever. | ||
| I'll do a few bits and people call them out. | ||
| Like when I do a Q&A sometimes, especially if I've had a couple of cocktails and I'm feeling it. | ||
| But, you know, that's the hardest part about comedy is just to keep that momentum going and keep finding out new and interesting things to talk about. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know? | ||
| No, it's tough to, you know, just let go of something. | ||
| It's got to be on it, man. | ||
| No, it's so hard to stay, like, grow attached to some bits, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah, man. | ||
| There's some bits that I fucking love. | ||
| My bit about tigers fucking, I used to love doing it. | ||
| I used to love everything about it. | ||
| It's my favorite bit of all time. | ||
| But like all of them, put those bitches aside. | ||
| We're talking about how Bill Burr just every single time he does something on TV or on an album goes gone. | ||
| Just starts fresh completely. | ||
| That's the George Carlin way. | ||
| You know, George Carlin's style of doing comedy. | ||
| Louis C.K. adopted it. | ||
| And Bill Burr's pretty much doing it too. | ||
| You know? | ||
| It's the way to do it. | ||
| Just keep pounding out shit. | ||
| Which is very hard to do when you're doing other things as well. | ||
| Yeah, that's what we were talking about earlier. | ||
|
unidentified
|
When you're doing TV shows. | |
| You get stuck on a TV show and you're working a lot. | ||
| It's hard to sleep. | ||
| Would you recommend comedy to people? | ||
| If your child wants to be a comic, would you say, hey, I would recommend comedy? | ||
| Or would you scare people away from you? | ||
| It's hard. | ||
| My son was already asked what he wants to be when he grows up, and he looked at a group of people and said, I just want to tell jokes. | ||
| I mean, why wouldn't you recommend one of the great jobs of all time? | ||
| I mean, I get to write. | ||
| I've written for a couple other people, you know, and just... | ||
| I have a great time just, you know, doing what I'm doing. | ||
| You seem to think that you wouldn't, Brian. | ||
| Me? | ||
| Is that what you're saying? | ||
| Well, I don't know if I... Would or wouldn't, I do see just being in it how competitive it is and how it really is hard to get to a certain point of where you can survive, like higher up than the normal comics. | ||
| Like, there's so many really good comics, but they seem like they all get to a certain level, and then they kind of balance off, you know, where, yeah, they're making money and stuff, but a lot of them are still kind of struggling here and there. | ||
| But it seems like it's really hard to get to the next level where you're just like, you know. | ||
| I mean, you use the baseball analogy or any pro football or anything like that, any sporting thing. | ||
| It's like, you know, a certain amount of people get a certain distance in the, you know, there's levels of professional, and people just climb up that level of professional. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| There's a lot of different things to think about, because it's not just being a comedian and being funny, it's also the marketing of yourself, which is very alien from the creative aspect of stand-up comedy, so it's real tricky. | ||
| What gets you to the next level, a lot of times, has nothing to do with your proficiency as a comedian. | ||
| You know, there's a lot of comedians that we know of that, you know, they're really good, they're really solid, but for whatever reason, they never enter into the... | ||
| Oh, you're talking about Brian Holtzman is a clear example. | ||
| The Zeitgeist never accepts them, for whatever reason. | ||
| Nothing, you know, they never figure out how to get promoted correctly. | ||
| And also, they sabotage their own career. | ||
| I mean, did you hear... | ||
| I remember, I don't even know if I have the story right, but Holtzman jumping in, and Martin Lawrence came into the audience, and Holtzman had people there to see him, and it was a big deal, and he was finally going to get a shot. | ||
| And then Martin Lawrence's bouncer came in and said something, and I guess Holtzman just looks and says, Fuck it! | ||
| And just jumps in, and I guess the bouncer just knocks him right out. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Right in front of all these people. | ||
| Yeah, I think what it was was Martin Lawrence was heckling. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Wow. | ||
| Imagine that. | ||
| And Brian Holtzman was on stage, and Martin Lawrence was heckling, and Martin Lawrence went off stage and was saying, Ladies and gentlemen, this is Martin Lawrence. | ||
| Can you believe this? | ||
| I'm getting heckled by Martin Lawrence. | ||
| And the bouncer gets up and punches him. | ||
| Are you fucking serious? | ||
| So he's had chances like that. | ||
| He has stuff like that happens. | ||
| That sucks. | ||
| I wish Omletto would have taken off. | ||
| If he had been around agents and managers and stuff too, that's the other thing about the store. | ||
| No one's going there to hang out because they have to pay. | ||
| If you go to the improv, everybody gets in free. | ||
| Managers, agents, they're all hanging out there. | ||
| It used to be an issue to try to get people to come and put them on the list to come see people. | ||
| You know, it'd be hard. | ||
| People couldn't just, you know, couldn't show up, hey, I'm Mike from IBM, can we come in and see the show? | ||
| They're like, yeah, sure, 20 bucks each, bitch. | ||
| But what you're saying about the marketing thing, it's also, it's that book, that Malcolm Gladwell book, The Outliers, you ever see any of that? | ||
| Where, it's very good. | ||
| No. | ||
| about people not being able to express themselves. | ||
| There was a story of a genius. | ||
| This kid who's just, I mean, went to Iowa State, but his mom didn't turn in his paperwork. | ||
| They were just sort of dumb about speaking to people. | ||
| And this kid was there and didn't go talk to anybody. | ||
| Clearly, they wanted him at the school and were gonna keep him at the school. | ||
| But all he had to do was know to go and talk to somebody. | ||
| People are just socially unable. | ||
| So he didn't talk to anybody. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He didn't talk to anybody. | |
| He just left school. | ||
| He's a manager somewhere. | ||
| The man has the highest IQ, almost imaginable. | ||
| Well, there was some guy that got tested for the highest IQ ever in America, and he was a bouncer. | ||
| He was a bouncer in Long Island or something like that. | ||
| And it was really weird, man, because he was really kind of full of himself a bit. | ||
| And we would talk about things. | ||
| He would talk about things really pompous. | ||
| And you're just going to go, hey, back the fuck up. | ||
| You're a bouncer, dude. | ||
| If you're so smart and fucking smug about everything, what are you out there, swimming in the human condition every day as a bouncer, getting to know the dark side of humanity? | ||
| What are you, a fucking Charles Bukowski poet-type character? | ||
| Or are you the smartest man in the world? | ||
| Because there's a disconnect there, fella. | ||
| You're living life like a dummy. | ||
| Not that bouncers are dummies. | ||
| I know a lot of guys that are bouncers, like MMA guys. | ||
| There's a lot of power in bouncers. | ||
| You get power and you don't do shit. | ||
| Yeah, but I mean, why would you do that if you're a fucking super genius and you're like 40? | ||
| It's not like he's some 20-year-old kid paying for his college education and needing some money on the weekends. | ||
| No, he's a fucking 40-year-old genius character working as a bouncer. | ||
| His services should be used elsewhere. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Totally. | |
| Like, if he's that fucking smart, let's get him working on something. | ||
| No, you're, socially, there's the needs, social intelligence needs to be factored into the whole idea of intelligence. | ||
| You know, your IQ does not include your ability to fucking maneuver around human beings. | ||
| Yeah, that's exactly what they're talking about. | ||
| And then a similar kid with a big, you know, really wealthy upbringing that had the same IQ went, you know, that many times further. | ||
| You know, his life became this great, you know, I had a friend when I was living in New York who was a pool hustler, and he was a brilliant guy, not just socially, he had a brilliant mathematical mind as well, but he was the first guy that I'd ever met socially that would look for traits in someone, look for things that people are doing, look for ego things. | ||
| He could do impressions of people, really good impressions of them. | ||
| They wouldn't sound like the person, but it would be exactly the type of shit that that person would say. | ||
| analyzing people's personalities and looking for weaknesses you know i did not know until i met this guy that people were out there that did that that like would look for a weakness in how in your game look for weakness and how you talk look for weakness and how you behave and then they find that little spot and that's where they start picking they start picking on whatever got you to say that in the first place whatever got you to stand up for yourself whatever got you to make an excuse about something that happened you know it was kind of sick that day and Normally, that would never go down like that. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, normally you're the best, right? | ||
| The best ever? | ||
| Like, he would just find the spot, find whatever it was, and just start picking. | ||
| Yeah, they're out there, man. | ||
| Fuck yeah, they're out there, man. | ||
| But that's a lot of what comedy is, too. | ||
| It's finding that little spot, seeing that little thing that other people might not have saw. | ||
| No, and then also getting that out and reflecting that in a creative way that has not really been done before, too. | ||
| You don't want to fucking go regurgitate some of the old tired shit. | ||
| I know. | ||
| So it's also like there's a couple rules in place where not only have you had that thought and found that opportunity, but now you've got to put this through this filtering process to determine whether or not it's okay to fucking make it up on stage. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then there's the saying it the right way and, you know, figuring out the best economy of words. | ||
| There's like a lyrical aspect to it at that point. | ||
| So now you're fucking putting shit together. | ||
| Like, you know, I try to do that a lot in my act. | ||
| When I'm talking about, I actually tell that whole banana cry story on stage as a bit and leading into it. | ||
| By the way, I don't believe that you didn't get jerked off. | ||
| I just want you to know. | ||
| I love you, but just keep saying what you said. | ||
| You don't have to say anything. | ||
| Keep going. | ||
| Okay, go ahead. | ||
| So the banana cry lady goes, this is not the first time I found myself in an English as a second language, sexy talk situation. | ||
| And so I say shit like that. | ||
| So it just has to come out. | ||
| It can be lyrical at the same time. | ||
| You can use alliteration and fuck around with it from there. | ||
| So then you've got to put it through all these steps, and then it finally makes it out. | ||
| And that's why they're tough to give up. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| They're like your babies. | ||
| They're working hard, yeah. | ||
| They're like your babies, man. | ||
| Once you get good at them and get them all tight and you know exactly how to hit them and they have all these fucking punchlines one after the other. | ||
| Ba-bang, ba-bang, ba-bang, ba-bang. | ||
| That was the Boston style of comedy, too. | ||
| Boston, the best guys, for whatever reason, didn't really write new material. | ||
| They just had a gang of stuff that was so devastating. | ||
| There's still guys like that. | ||
| You just go out and they're just crushing. | ||
| There's guys like that. | ||
| It's harder to do now, though. | ||
| Because of the internet, it's just not the same thing. | ||
| These guys didn't have CDs out, so people couldn't go and replay their bits. | ||
| You had to go see it again. | ||
| You couldn't play it over and over again, so you know the exact timing for when the punchline comes. | ||
| It's not like that. | ||
| People are still going out, though. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Comedy is still the most fun thing for me to go see. | ||
| If I know that Stan Hope is going to perform, or Louis C.K. is in town, or Nick DiPaolo, or someone that I really think is really funny, I fucking have a great time. | ||
| It's still the most fun thing to see. | ||
| Who were you saying last night was at the Hollywood Improv? | ||
| Stan Hope was there, Dave Attell, Ron White, Nick Swartzen, Doug Benson. | ||
| How great is that? | ||
| It was just like a never-ending line-up. | ||
| And it's also just a fun hang, too. | ||
| That place is great, man. | ||
| That's the difference between that place and the store. | ||
| I never realized that there's managers that were actually happy to see you there and thankful. | ||
| Can we get you a water? | ||
| Do you want a drink? | ||
| Do you like something? | ||
| Are you hungry? | ||
| Do you want to eat? | ||
| They've got a menu in their hand. | ||
| They have good food there, great burgers and shit. | ||
| Everyone's friendly. | ||
| The waitstaff's friendly. | ||
| The bartender's friendly. | ||
| There's a bar where everybody sits down and has a good time at the bar. | ||
| And then there's a back showroom. | ||
| Eddie, the bartenders are also. | ||
| Eddie? | ||
| Eddie's a fucking gem. | ||
| Deva? | ||
| Yeah, they're great. | ||
| They're not professionals. | ||
| Have you been to Sal's yet? | ||
| Down the street? | ||
| Sal's Comic Home? | ||
| No, I want to go there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, it's the shit, dude. | |
| Yeah, it's cool. | ||
| We've got to stop by sometime. | ||
| Is Sal a listener? | ||
| Do you know if we're in contact with Sal? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| We'll get you in there. | ||
| Don't worry. | ||
| We'll get you in there. | ||
| We did it Sunday night. | ||
| It was fucking awesome, man. | ||
| Just talked about it on Twitter Sunday. | ||
| It's a real small place. | ||
| The only seats like 70 at the most. | ||
| Right now, but they're opening up two more showrooms. | ||
| They've got a whole back area that's gigantic. | ||
| They're going to blow out and build this huge 300-seat room back there. | ||
| It's like 300 seats, right? | ||
| Well, there's two rooms. | ||
| I think they're going to split it. | ||
| I think he should just build one huge room. | ||
| Yeah, I think so, too. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| Keep the small room in the front and then make a big one. | ||
| But I guess he's doing an improv room of 80 and then a bigger room of 150 or something like that. | ||
| Improv, like that shit, like give me a topic, that kind of shit. | ||
| Well, kind of like the side room at the improv where Ari does his show. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like a workout improv. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Well, hey, maybe not. | ||
| Maybe he could do it. | ||
| Look, the comedy store was three rooms. | ||
| Forever. | ||
| This guy can actually pull off three rooms in that spot. | ||
| He's got the perfect attitude. | ||
| He's like... | ||
| You know, Sal is like one of those guys that you hope would come along and open up a comedy club. | ||
| A guy who really loves comedy, he's a really fun guy, and he's willing to take some chances. | ||
| And he has business sense as well, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| He knows what he's doing. | ||
| Yeah, and he bought this place. | ||
| And right now, it's got a front area where there's a bar and a bunch of seats, and that's where we perform Sunday. | ||
| But there's a back area, there's this like old school bakery, and it's been a bakery like forever. | ||
| Apparently, he's going to take over that. | ||
| What was it before? | ||
| Vienna Cafe. | ||
| It's a cafe with a big yellow awning. | ||
| It's on Melrose. | ||
| It still says Vienna Cafe. | ||
| It doesn't say Sal's Comedy Hole. | ||
| He's trying to... | ||
| Vienna Cafe... | ||
| Oh, it doesn't exist anymore, but come on, we got a show here! | ||
| Yeah, they're trying to phase it in slowly. | ||
| He was telling me a funny Stanhope story last night when he had a club in New York. | ||
| Everyone was trying to get into his club, like all these really good comics, and he wanted Stanhope. | ||
| So he called Doug up or something like that and was like, hey, I'd really like you to come to my club. | ||
| And Doug's like, I don't do clubs, sorry. | ||
| And then Sal's like, well, just ask around first before you say no, because I think you would like my place. | ||
| So Doug calls back and goes, everyone's saying great things. | ||
| I'll go there. | ||
| And so he kind of became friends with Stanhope. | ||
| And then he had like a party to watch like a boxing match at his house, like his apartment. | ||
| And he's like, Doug, you know, if you want to come over and watch the boxing game, come over. | ||
| So Doug invited the whole entire club to come to Sal's house. | ||
| And he just said there like 40 people were climbing up over his fence and just fucking drinking all his beers and everything. | ||
| Can you imagine inviting a whole club to somebody's house? | ||
| Well, that's kind of douchey. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Was Stan Hope drunk? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Is that a real question? | ||
| That isn't a real question. | ||
| That isn't. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And after that, he's still into comedy? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Dude's a glutton for punishment. | ||
| I know. | ||
| This, I'm sorry, but Price Pull-up, the Ted Williams, the Golden Voice, a homeless man. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And this guy is like, was a junkie. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And now they're giving him all this money? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| Guess who's gonna fucking get some money? | ||
| He was on Dr. Phil, and I guess he's about to check himself into rehab, or he did check himself into rehab because of the Dr. Phil show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| But Dr. Phil brought up the whole point of where, like, that he used to steal cars. | ||
| He's a horrible dude. | ||
| He's a great boy. | ||
| It's not like the innocent crybaby guy that you first... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, I'm more homeless, man. | |
| Fucking no, this guy's a criminal. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And now he's gonna become famous. | ||
| Do you think he's getting pussy yet? | ||
| Internet pussy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Um, I hope not. | ||
| He sort of looks like Matt. | ||
| You remember when McDonald's had that Moon Man commercial where it was like a moon face? | ||
| Jack the Night. | ||
| What was that? | ||
| I remember that. | ||
| It was, um... | ||
| Mack Tonight. | ||
| Mack Tonight. | ||
| Wow, Mack Tonight. | ||
| Pull that up. | ||
| I gotta look at that now. | ||
| Mac Tonight was when McDonald's had some moon-headed man wearing a suit. | ||
| Well, I don't remember that at all. | ||
| He looks exactly like that. | ||
| And the homeless guy Ted Williams looked like that. | ||
| So he goes on Dr. Phil and he tells them that he stole cars and all kinds of other shit while he's doing drugs. | ||
| Is that what he said? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He first said that he... | ||
| Dr. Phil brought up the fact that he... | ||
| Hold on, I'll tell you exactly what it was. | ||
| Where is it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He... | |
| For people who don't know, there's a guy, and if you haven't heard this story, there was a guy that was standing on the side of a road and he had a sign that said, you know, we'll use my golden voice for, you know, God gave me a voice and give me a dollar. | ||
| You know, whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| So this guy... | ||
| Does this impression of a morning DJ on a television show or on a radio show, and it's amazing. | ||
| It's like a really good radio voice, like that perfect fake radio voice. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it seems weird coming out of a homeless guy, and he's got a bunch of shit planned that he can say like that. | ||
| And so this became an internet thing. | ||
| It got huge. | ||
| And then from it, this guy gets a bunch of different job offers. | ||
| So now he's on Dr. Phil. | ||
| And so what happened? | ||
| Well, Dr. Phil sits down with him and discusses all the challenges he had in his life. | ||
| And he first denied the incident in which Dr. Phil was accused of violent behavior, public urination, stealing customers' cars at a tire store in Ohio, and all this other crap. | ||
| In the interview, the guy finally admits that he did all those things. | ||
| And then the next... | ||
| So first he lied. | ||
| First he lied. | ||
| So he's still lying. | ||
| He's still doing the lying thing. | ||
| And then he admitted it later after Dr. Phil probably owned him or something. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And then supposedly he will appear again on Dr. Phil accompanied by his ex-wife. | ||
| He has five kids. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I'm happy the kids got money, but this kid is not a good dude. | ||
| Well, you hope the kids got money. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And I guess supposedly that the wife and kids are worried that he's going to relapse. | ||
| And then later in the interview or whatever, they say that he's going to go into rehab on Thursday. | ||
| So he already relapsed. | ||
| Yeah, well, he probably got some cash and, you know. | ||
| Went straight to the bar, why not? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Whew. | ||
| Homeless guy. | ||
| He's going to shower and straight to the bar. | ||
| Joe, do you remember this commercial? | ||
| You probably don't remember this commercial, but this is who Al says that he looks like this old age. | ||
| It's just a chin on this homeless guy. | ||
| Yeah, I see it, but I don't remember it at all. | ||
| That was a big campaign. | ||
|
unidentified
|
When was this? | |
| 2007? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That can't be 2007. There's no way. | |
| That was four years ago, bitches. | ||
| Oh wait, here's a 1989 one. | ||
| That's the one I'm talking about. | ||
| Yeah, that's a freaky one. | ||
| That was a new revamped version. | ||
| I don't see what the fuck you guys are talking about. | ||
| That's a guy with a moon head. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That is the funniest shit out. | |
| Okay. | ||
| Moonface. | ||
| Moonface. | ||
| Even more than a Jay Leno. | ||
| He has a freaking moonface. | ||
| I met that Antoine Dodson dude. | ||
| He's the dude who his house got broken into. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So, what? | ||
| Hide your kids. | ||
| Hide your wife. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That guy is like doing all kinds of shit now. | ||
| Dude, that song is good. | ||
| Yeah, that's good. | ||
| That song is legitimately good. | ||
| The Antoine... | ||
| Antoine Dodson's song is legitimately good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It really is. | ||
| Yeah, it's... | ||
| I mean, it's amazing though how these things can become viral like this. | ||
| He bought his mom a house from the proceeds. | ||
| I guess they split the money 50-50 and Antoine got a lot of money and bought his mom a house. | ||
| That's incredible. | ||
| From a viral video done from the local news. | ||
| And he's doing a bunch of other shit. | ||
| He did some shit for the UFC. He was on George Lopez. | ||
| I saw that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's doing like ads and shit now. | ||
| It's crazy, man. | ||
| Internet celebrity is like a real thing. | ||
| He's made a couple of comics. | ||
| I mean, he really has. | ||
| I met Bo Burnham the other night, that kid. | ||
| Did you see this, Joe? | ||
| The hide your kids, hide your wife dog. | ||
| What is that on Twitter? | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Anyway, I met that Bo Burnham kid. | ||
| I just saw him on Paul Provenza's show, The Green Room. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I was on that. | ||
| I was on the one after it. | ||
| And I was there, and we were talking, and me and Eddie Ift were talking, and one of the things that this kid was saying was that he never had to struggle. | ||
| He never went out and did the shitty one-nighters. | ||
| No, he's famous on YouTube, by the way. | ||
| He's like, bam, right away, famous, doing big shows. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
| That's pretty crazy, man. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| That's a new thing, man. | ||
| Who was the first internet celebrity, like, going back? | ||
| Justin Bieber's, like, the big one, right? | ||
| Well, no, no, I mean first, like, 10 years ago, 15 years ago. | ||
| Like, was there an AOL celebrity back in the day? | ||
| Well, when YouTube first started, it was the History of the Dance guy became one of the ones that was the first YouTube sensation, really, to start commanding high dollar. | ||
| Right. | ||
| The Goatsy guy was the most famous guy on the internet. | ||
| The go-to guy? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| His butthole. | ||
| I wonder who that guy is. | ||
| Did you ever see his face? | ||
| It's a guy who's got his butthole face in the camera, and he's wearing a wedding ring, and he's stretching his asshole out, like pulling it like it's rubber. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Peering into the darkness, into the event horizon of his butthole. | ||
| And it's, you know, an internet meme. | ||
| It's been on a million different things. | ||
| It's all over the place. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| People make photoshops of it in cloud patterns and shit. | ||
| It'll make your banana cry. | ||
| But no, seriously, if you think of like the first real legit celebrity that was made off of the internet, it's recent. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tila Tequila? | |
| Yeah, Tila Tequila is a perfect one. | ||
| She's straight, you know, just right from the internet. | ||
| Nothing but, right? | ||
| You've got mail. | ||
| She actually might have been the first. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| I mean, you're talking about like seven years ago. | ||
| I'm talking about like the internet came out a long ass time. | ||
| Right, but there was no one like Tila Tequila that made their way into the public and became on television shows. | ||
| Well, we never had video like that before. | ||
| I mean, video and then social networks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm just talking about the internet had, It was always a spot for celebrity to go. | ||
| Like, I used to look up... | ||
| I think some of the celebrities have brothers and shit like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And there's, like, Ricky Leach, Rivolta, John Travolta's brother. | |
| And so he has a website. | ||
| And I was like, there was a lot of funny shit on it back then, but... | ||
| Nothing like there is now. | ||
| The content and the audio, there's a sound. | ||
| You can go to SoundCloud and YouTube. | ||
| I mean, when people were putting out, nobody had the devices either. | ||
| Nobody had flip video cameras. | ||
| And so, it was a whole new age of when you introduced a small camera. | ||
| That's when, and easy to upload with a USB connector. | ||
| It's just right in, immediately. | ||
| HD. Phones. | ||
| And so, you didn't have to have that technology available to just a regular guy. | ||
| So now that they, I mean, It's easier to launch a video. | ||
| And look how, when shit goes viral, I mean, a lot of people are talking about the voice guy. | ||
| And Antoine Dodson, that's a lot of fucking money to buy your mom a house. | ||
| I don't care if it's in Alabama. | ||
| Well, yeah, it was really because of that song. | ||
| Those guys who created that auto-tune song. | ||
| The guys are very talented musicians. | ||
| Sure, and then just auto-tune. | ||
| I mean, auto-tune's fucking hilarious. | ||
| Yeah, you heard Carl Sagan's auto-tune? | ||
| No, but have you heard that, I think it's the Woo Woo song. | ||
| It's a local news in San Francisco. | ||
| And I guess people are putting these mufflers on. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That go, Woo Woo! | ||
| And it's local news autotune for that. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| Autotuning the news is funny. | ||
| I think GarageBand is pretty amazing too. | ||
| The program where you can pretty much make your own song pretty easily. | ||
| Don't they have programs like that for your phone now? | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Like, there was... | ||
| I don't know if we ever talked about... | ||
| There was this... | ||
| Back in the day in MySpace, somebody linked one of my songs on their MySpace page and, like, stole it from my web host. | ||
| And so, like, when you went to their MySpace page, it automatically played a song... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, right. | |
| From your show. | ||
| From my show. | ||
| So, what I did is I took... | ||
| That file, took it down, and then made up a quick song in GarageBand about like, oh, Stacey from, you know, Hollywood, California. | ||
| I want you to suck my dick. | ||
| And made a whole song just about how I wanted to fuck this girl and stuff like that. | ||
| And I replaced that song, that file, with the original file so that when people went to her MySpace page, it just started playing that song. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| Yeah, and I just love it. | ||
| I don't know why I even thought about that, but it's a pretty funny video. | ||
| That's funny when you can do that with hot linking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And speaking of MySpace, I think yesterday went officially really just downsized. | ||
| Yeah, they shut off Germany. | ||
| MySpace Germany is dead. | ||
| Somebody tweeted me. | ||
| MySpace cut all their employees like three months ago. | ||
| Like half of their employees, they cut. | ||
| And then they just did it again. | ||
| Jordy, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, Jordy was with, and now he's lucky that he's with Comedy Central. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah, he was working. | ||
| MySpace Comedy was thriving. | ||
| I'm sure you did one of those secret shows, didn't you? | ||
| Yeah, I did one of those secret shows. | ||
| I'm thinking about deleting my MySpace live on the air. | ||
| What do you think? | ||
| Do it. | ||
| If they're going to cut, shut up and ruin... | ||
| It's funny how we did it with, I think, I forget who we did it with, like Jason Tebow or something like that. | ||
| Somebody deleted their MySpace the other day live on podcast. | ||
| Jesus Christ, I can't even come up with one original idea. | ||
| But watch how many steps it is. | ||
| It's pretty hilarious. | ||
| It was Ari. | ||
| Ari did it. | ||
| It's a lot of steps. | ||
| It was like three steps. | ||
| Like, they make it really hard. | ||
| Like, are you sure? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you still people on it trying to talk to you? | |
| Very, very, very, very few. | ||
| Almost all of it is just... | ||
| Mine's completely dead as well. | ||
| You want to go into mine? | ||
| We can shut mine down also with a duel. | ||
| Yeah, a dual one. | ||
| I paid some money to have mine tricked out, too, at one point. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sex. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Did you have glitter tags? | ||
| I don't know what he did. | ||
| It seems like you would. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| I can even say it. | ||
| Yeah, so if you want to delete your MySpace now, too, we could have a double MySpace, and I'm going to keep mine now. | ||
| They hide this motherfucker. | ||
| It's not easy. | ||
| I don't even know where to go. | ||
| Um... | ||
| Here, I'll tell you guys where to go. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| More. | ||
| Delete MySpace. | ||
| I can't even tell you. | ||
| I don't even know if I know my password. | ||
| Yeah, it's time to let it go. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's like that girl that you dated 10 years ago and her phone over is still in your book. | ||
| Throw that shit out, son. | ||
| Move on. | ||
| It's in your book. | ||
| Listen to me. | ||
| Your book. | ||
| Who has a phone book anymore? | ||
| Phone books are worth nothing. | ||
| Fuck you and your phone book. | ||
| I want to write it on paper like some caveman. | ||
| They're good for standing on. | ||
| Why don't you just give me some burnt sticks and I'll use it to carve the fucking numbers on a rock. | ||
| How to delete... | ||
| Did you do it? | ||
| No, I can't even... | ||
| You can't even figure it out? | ||
| There you go. | ||
| There you go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that me? | |
| Alright, if you decide to delete MySpace, what you do is... | ||
| More? | ||
| You go to my account, and then... | ||
| Where's my account? | ||
| It's under more. | ||
| My stuff? | ||
| My stuff... | ||
| Account settings right here. | ||
| Account settings. | ||
| It looks different. | ||
| I have to give him that. | ||
| It looks different, but it doesn't look better. | ||
| That logo is a space. | ||
| Should we give him a chance now that they redesigned everything? | ||
| No. | ||
| Damn, Al. | ||
| We committed to this, bro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you sure? | |
| We've committed to this, man. | ||
| They changed everything in here! | ||
| It's all white! | ||
| Basic details, account settings. | ||
| Remember the constantly had those horrible fucking ads? | ||
| Cancel account. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| You know, trying to shoot a smiley face or something. | ||
| Brian, it's not just cancel account, right? | ||
| It's deleted. | ||
| I want to delete mine. | ||
| No, you want to cancel account. | ||
| That's it? | ||
| We're sorry you want to leave. | ||
| Please let us know why. | ||
| You can really help us improve MySpace. | ||
| There's not an it's over bitch option. | ||
| There's board, spam, privacy, and email. | ||
| I'm going to go with spam because that's the one thing that annoyed me. | ||
| Where is it, Joe? | ||
| Where's the cancel account? | ||
| Cancel account. | ||
| Under settings. | ||
| Under settings. | ||
| You go under account settings and privacy. | ||
| Account settings and privacy. | ||
| Cancellation comments. | ||
| Thanks for the love and the laughs, but it's over bitches. | ||
| It's not down there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, there we go. | ||
| Privacy. | ||
| But they do hide it. | ||
| They hide it below the fold. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you just gotta keep on scrolling down. | ||
| Over. | ||
| Bitches. | ||
| You know what even pisses me off? | ||
| Cancel account, hoes. | ||
| It's over. | ||
| My request has been sent. | ||
| You will receive an email shortly with instructions for confirming that you managed to cancel. | ||
| Why won't you just let me walk away? | ||
| See, that's what they're doing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is like a divorce. | |
| Now you have to go to your email and click on a link. | ||
| It's like a divorce. | ||
| So do it now. | ||
| Because they want to pretend they have more people on MySpace than they do. | ||
| Do it, Joe. | ||
| Continue it. | ||
| Finish him. | ||
| You know what sucks is that Facebook just today has forced their new profile on all the Facebook accounts. | ||
| What is their new profile? | ||
| Which sucks ass. | ||
| Really? | ||
| How come? | ||
| Because when you go to Facebook, at least how do I do it, the first thing I like to do is like, hmm, is this person single? | ||
| Is this, you know, look at their photos. | ||
| Now they've hidden like the single part and it's just like this really shitty... | ||
| It reminds me of a MySpace. | ||
| They've moved it all around and now it's just... | ||
| Oh, you can change everything. | ||
| There's actually companies that do that. | ||
| Somebody just hit me up from a company to customize my Facebook page and make it look all tricked out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, now they used to let you go back. | ||
| We talked about having to have a marketing degree to be a good stand-up comic. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I try. | ||
| I got two kids. | ||
| I work on them. | ||
| I told you about my situation. | ||
| Do you have a website, though? | ||
| I have a website. | ||
| All you need to do is keep doing what you're doing. | ||
| I'm in touch. | ||
| If somebody emails me, I'll definitely get back to it. | ||
| Twitter, by the way, is Al Madrigal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A-L-M-A-D-R-I-G-A-L. Exciting stuff happening. | |
| But you should say it. | ||
| Madrigal! | ||
| Especially if you go on before Willie Barsena. | ||
| You don't even say your real name, right, bro? | ||
| How many followers do you have? | ||
| Closing on 3,000. | ||
| Not too many. | ||
| We're going to blow that out of the water today, Al. | ||
| We're going to jump you up to 5,000, you fucker. | ||
| Really? | ||
| You got that kind of reach that I could just jump? | ||
| 2,835. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| If I get people to sign on, I'm a funny guy. | ||
| I'll start putting funny shit out there. | ||
| I'm at war with my neighbors right now. | ||
| Are you really? | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| Well, I'm surrounded by old people and I'm surrounded by these three guys. | ||
| This is a bit. | ||
| This is real. | ||
| Three guys named Phil. | ||
| I go old Phil, really old Phil, and then Filipino Phil. | ||
| That's how I like... | ||
| Filipino Phil is my ally. | ||
| Which one makes your banana cry? | ||
| The Filipino one? | ||
| But the other guys are constantly complaining. | ||
| That's the new thing now. | ||
| Banana cry. | ||
| Yeah, it's going to be the new thing. | ||
| Do you want me to make your banana cry? | ||
| See, you talk about this on stage? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I gotta see the bit. | ||
| So anyway, I'm sorry. | ||
| So I'm surrounded by old people, and it's Eagle Rock. | ||
| It's an up-and-coming neighborhood still, and there's a lot of cool people that live near me, but at the same time, I was just surrounded by old people that are in my business. | ||
| I went on my roof to clean up my gutters, and it's like they all assembled below me while I was conducting some AARP meeting, and they're all in my business. | ||
| At one point... | ||
| I had three cars. | ||
| I still have three cars right now. | ||
| GM was nice enough to get me a Buick Enclave for the holiday, and let me use that as just perk through the PR department. | ||
| And this thing is awesome. | ||
| It really is fucking an incredible vehicle. | ||
| Anyway, so that shows up. | ||
| So I have four cars, and the old people are stopping by constantly and go, do you feel it's economical to have three vehicles? | ||
| And I can't help but just fuck with them and hate them. | ||
| Wait a minute, they ask you? | ||
| Oh, I have people in my shit constantly about my hedges, my... | ||
| I mean, and there's a guy, old guy who walks his dog by my house every fucking day and is so in my business. | ||
| Like, stop. | ||
| If I even show my head, he'll stop and start asking a million fucking questions. | ||
| And so you live up here in this community where it's nice and there's not... | ||
| I mean, your neighbors aren't on you. | ||
| I have neighbors just on my ass. | ||
| That sucks. | ||
| Dude, I'm so not into that. | ||
| Yeah, no, it sucks. | ||
| I don't even like this. | ||
| I lived in the woods for three months. | ||
| When I lived in Colorado, it was the perfect place for me. | ||
| Oh, when I was driving up, I was like, this is how you do it. | ||
| I have old people on my shit. | ||
| And then also, you know, it's sort of a little gang-y-ish sometimes. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Like somebody will ride a mini truck, we'll go... | ||
| You know, down the street, and you have that guy, like, driving by really fast, for no reason. | ||
| You worry about that with your kids, the gang-y part? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, it's not. | |
| How old are your kids? | ||
| Gang-adjacent. | ||
| It's not really... | ||
| Gang-adjacent? | ||
| It's not right in the shit. | ||
| But it's close enough where it's going to become an issue in their life if they're walking around their neighborhood. | ||
| Well, yeah, you can definitely stumble down to the wrong area and just get... | ||
| Well, anywhere you can get caught at the wrong time, but here it's highly unlikely. | ||
| You know, I mean, I have a more realistic chance of running into some bad people in my neighborhood. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And yeah, I worry about my wife being alone when I go do stand-up and shit like that all the time. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, I know that feeling. | ||
| And even with household shit, if anything breaks, you know, we've had stuff where I've been on the road doing stand-up, I travel all over, just like, not as much, but I, you know, I go out a fair amount. | ||
| Yeah, my wife's home with two kids. | ||
| And luckily, you know, we got Filipino Frank there. | ||
| So tell me, what's your issues with your war? | ||
| Oh, let's try to come and trim my shit. | ||
| Like, you know how you have... | ||
| Hedges? | ||
| Yeah, my dog was running out and barking the other day. | ||
| And my neighbor was secretly trying to trim my fucking hedge. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Why was he trimming your hedge? | ||
| Just old and drunk and crazy. | ||
| Like, just wasted. | ||
| So did you talk to him? | ||
| No, they brought over a letter. | ||
| See, that's what I'm talking about. | ||
| I feel crazy about this. | ||
| I'm like, you want a war? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll bring you war! | |
| God, I didn't say that, but that's how I feel. | ||
| They all get all pissed and bent out of shape if I... I'm not talking to a neighbor for two years because of our parking. | ||
| We had construction people over our house and the Latino guys parked there and he came running back, the old guy, and fucking started yelling at the Latino guys to move their car. | ||
| It's a public street. | ||
| Anybody can fucking park there. | ||
| I'm at war. | ||
| Yeah, I won't even talk to the fucking guys. | ||
| Suburban war. | ||
| It really is ridiculous shit. | ||
| People claim their turf, and the real issue is people are not supposed to be on top of each other like this. | ||
| No, they really not. | ||
| This is nothing compared to apartments, man. | ||
| Apartments are where it's really brutal. | ||
| Right on top of each other. | ||
| Dude, I had an apartment in North Hollywood where I had a pool table, okay? | ||
| And I lived on the second floor, and there was this crazy gay couple that lived on the first floor, and he was like the landlord, too. | ||
| What is it called? | ||
|
unidentified
|
The... | |
| Superintendent. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was always controlling things. | |
| He didn't own the building, but he ran it. | ||
| So I had a pool table installed in my living room. | ||
| I had a big living room. | ||
| And the reason why I got this big living room was because I could get a pool table. | ||
| I wanted a pool table in my living room. | ||
| So I had it installed. | ||
| Then he comes knocking on the door. | ||
| What's going on in there? | ||
| There's a lot of movement. | ||
| There's a lot of movement up here. | ||
| And I go, oh, I've got a pool table. | ||
| He goes, are you jumping around? | ||
| Are you working out or something? | ||
| I go, no, no, no. | ||
| I'm just walking around the pool table. | ||
| Trying to look in as he's talking to you. | ||
| Making shots. | ||
| And he goes, okay, I'm going to have to ask you to not do that when I'm home because it's just like I'm in the living room and all I hear is creak, creak, creak, creak, creak, creak. | ||
| And I'm like, so you're saying that because of the structural instability of this shithead fucking apartment building, you don't want me walking in my living room because it's annoying? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I started changing my wireless password because they're right on top of you, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| So I changed my network name. | ||
| I can change it to anything I want. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So I put, like, weed your lawn. | ||
| Yeah, that's hilarious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I changed my network. | |
| And then I looked on, like, are we links, sister? | ||
| Fucking weed your lawn. | ||
| Hey! | ||
| Hey, son of a bitch. | ||
| Yeah, quit trimming my fucking hedges. | ||
| Oh, that's great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Shit like that. | ||
| That's funny, they try to steal off your fucking wireless. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, man, that's creepy when you have neighborhoods, man. | ||
| There's always that one kid that lives down the block that's going to steal your fucking shit when you're not looking. | ||
| Someone has some troubled 16-year-old. | ||
| Troubled youth walking around. | ||
| Always, man. | ||
| My friend of mine got his fucking bike stolen. | ||
| Some fucking kid down the street. | ||
| I saw this kid just walking up the block, just walking up, just looking around, not doing anything. | ||
| It's like, where's that guy fucking going? | ||
| He's walking up. | ||
| First of all, in L.A., very few people without a dog walking. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't have, you know, chicks have Lululemon on or something like that. | ||
| You know, they're dressed in outfits. | ||
| I mean, when you see just a lone fucking thug, it's like seeing an ant just away from the rest of the fucking ants. | ||
| It's so important to live in a nice spot. | ||
| It's so important to live in a quiet spot. | ||
| Just try to find a quiet, nice spot. | ||
| And that's why so many people go to the suburbs. | ||
| You know, it's like you go to downtown Cleveland... | ||
| It's shut down. | ||
| There's nothing there. | ||
| Every single store is released and shit like that. | ||
| I couldn't find a department store. | ||
| My wife sometimes helps me pack. | ||
| No underwear. | ||
| So I go to buy underwear in downtown Cleveland. | ||
| Not a department store. | ||
| It's like Walgreens or Brooks Brothers. | ||
| And that's the only two little things that they had. | ||
| Cleveland's weird. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because everybody moved out to a quieter place. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, it's also... | ||
| The jobs disappeared, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Isn't that what happened with Cleveland? | ||
| Some plants got shut down or something? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And Detroit. | ||
| You know, people went south. | ||
| Went to Columbus and Cincinnati because just... | ||
| I mean... | ||
| Cleveland used to be the biggest city in Ohio. | ||
| It used to be like the flats. | ||
| It used to be the place to be, the cool part of Ohio. | ||
| Now it's scary. | ||
| Improv down there, that's a real dump. | ||
| The Cleveland one? | ||
| I think I did it once. | ||
| Well, they just gave out so many passes, they completely ruined the room. | ||
| That's what a lot of comedy clubs do, is just the quality. | ||
| They're just giving out passes. | ||
| They give out free passes, so the tickets are free, so they're selling booze. | ||
| And the tickets have no value. | ||
| A lot of places believe that they're in the liquor business, not the comedy business, and they just want people inside drinking. | ||
| Well, I see their point, man. | ||
| You've got to keep the fucking wolves away. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| It's like for a lot of these places, like in the middle of nowhere, it's real hard. | ||
| And a lot of the comics that are getting shipped down there are terrible. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How many times have you been in a club and you look at the line and be like, what do they got going on here? | ||
| And you read their calendar and you're like, oh, shit. | ||
| Jesus, fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And you just imagine these poor people having to come and sit and watch this. | ||
| Some kid told me a quote that I was working with. | ||
| He said he was at a show and this comic was so bad, some old black lady yells out, You're ruining my free passes! | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| That was the best thing that sums everything up. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| You're ruining my free passes! | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| I got this for free and I hate it. | ||
| This is horrible. | ||
| That's so funny. | ||
| And that's why a lot of people get... | ||
| When you're a comedy promoter, you do free beer. | ||
| There's always got to be something else that will justify that I can move. | ||
| Yeah, it's a tough fucking business, man. | ||
| Any sort of bar, restaurant business, owning a pool hall, anything like that, any nighttime business, those fucking things are hard, man. | ||
| And when times are tough like they are now... | ||
| The economy gets shitty, and then it becomes, you know, like, then they really don't want to go out. | ||
| They don't want to take a chance and just go see comedy. | ||
| You know, if, you know, they know someone is going to be there, you know, Bill Burr is in town. | ||
| Oh, okay, let's go see him. | ||
| You know, I know who he is. | ||
| Yeah, Stanhope has that joke that he used to know. | ||
| It's like, how many people are here to see me? | ||
| How many people are here to see comedy? | ||
| And then half of them reply. | ||
| And it's like, you don't do that with anything else. | ||
| You don't just roll into, you know, too many things. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's also, you know, I've said this before, but I'll say it again, the real problem is the generic label comedy. | ||
| It's like you don't go to see live music, not knowing if you're going to get Barry Manilow or Guns N' Roses or, you know, a rap band, you know, but with comedy, you could get that. | ||
| And you could get that all on the same night. | ||
| You can get like five different comics can go up at the improv and they all have five different, totally different acts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| John Reap and Eddie Griffin, maybe. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| The polar opposites. | ||
| Bob Oshack. | ||
| You know, just these drastic differences. | ||
| You know Bob Oshack can't call into the store anymore? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, they told him he's too old. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| But then what's-his-name still can go there every day? | ||
| Yeah, he's got his thing. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Bob Oshak is a very funny comedy writer and a very funny comedian. | ||
| I mean, you should look him up. | ||
| He's incredible. | ||
| And also, when you sit and listen to the guy, that is a perfect talk about alliteration and the story. | ||
| I mean, just top-notch. | ||
| Yeah, he would be a great talk show host. | ||
| He was, I think for a while. | ||
| That's when he moved to Florida, and he was working on one of those Good Morning shows as the real correspondent. | ||
| When was he doing this? | ||
| He moved away from L.A., I'd say three years ago. | ||
| Really? | ||
| You can type in Bob Boshak on YouTube and see him as a morning correspondent. | ||
| Wow, so that fell apart and then he came back to LA? And it was for some big gig and they just moved back to Los Angeles. | ||
| Yeah, so Bob Oshak in the morning or whatever. | ||
| Does he have kids? | ||
| Yeah, he has two kids about the same age as mine, you know, in that eight and four range. | ||
| I can't believe they're telling him not to get spots. | ||
| Did he play David Letterman in that old movie? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| But he always has this look about him where he really looks like a young Dave Letterman. | ||
| He was voted by Oprah to be one of the top... | ||
| I mean, speaking of Oprah, we were talking about that's how we first met. | ||
| It was over some old Oprahs watching. | ||
| Well, we did stand up together and we went up to my house and just sat there baked 11 years ago watching old Oprah footage. | ||
| Yeah, we were doing bong hits in Al Madrigal's couch watching Oprah from like the 80s when she had big hair and shit. | ||
| I was like, do you think she's rich or did she have plastic surgery? | ||
| What's happening right now? | ||
| Why? | ||
| We're just sitting there. | ||
| And I think there were people around us. | ||
| But me and you were just sitting watching the Oprah. | ||
| There was a little bit of a gathering and people were talking and drinking. | ||
| It was your brother and I think your wife, before she was your wife, and one other person. | ||
| Yeah, a couple other people. | ||
| And so we're just completely focused on this old Oprah. | ||
| And we were barbecued. | ||
| And you know how when you're barbecued, something all of a sudden is like, why have I never seen it like this before? | ||
| It was so strange. | ||
| It was like we were watching an alien film. | ||
| It didn't even look real. | ||
| Anyway, Oshak was on Oprah and touted as one of the next great comedians. | ||
| And nobody knows comedy like that bitch. | ||
| That's what our whole new network's about. | ||
| Watch out Comedy Central. | ||
| Own. | ||
| It's like the white version of Def Jam. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| So, nothing on Oshak? | ||
| We don't have to pull him up. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| It's just another one of those stories. | ||
| It's been the interesting thing about being a comedian and living in LA is watching the whole story of humanity unfold for many different people and many different players. | ||
| They take their part in the game and they all go through it and you get to watch them. | ||
| A lot of them you get to learn from, too. | ||
| Just learn from their fuck-ups and learn from even their successes. | ||
| You can sort of pick the path that you want to go. | ||
| It's like choose your own adventure. | ||
| It's like, am I going to be like that, dude? | ||
| Or am I going to end up like that, dude? | ||
| And then you get to go, am I going to go into the cave? | ||
| Am I going to choose to go to space? | ||
| You have to make choices along the way. | ||
| And if you fuck up, then you might go off in some other positive direction, but not necessarily. | ||
| I mean, there's a lot of choices to be made. | ||
| Like I was talking about, I've been on fucking six pilots or something like that at this point since we've met. | ||
| And not one of them has really taken off. | ||
| It's been weird. | ||
| And one of them could have taken off immediately. | ||
| Yeah, you could end up like... | ||
| You could get super-duper lucky. | ||
| And not to say you were lucky at all. | ||
| I was lucky. | ||
| News radio and shit. | ||
| Look, there's no doubt I was lucky. | ||
| The first two things I ever auditioned for, I got. | ||
| The first two shows. | ||
| I didn't go on a bunch of auditions like a lot of actors. | ||
| I auditioned for one thing when I was living in New York. | ||
| I got it. | ||
| Came out to California. | ||
| That got canceled. | ||
| I auditioned for news radio. | ||
| I got that. | ||
| Bam. | ||
| No acting experience at all. | ||
| It's total luck. | ||
| There's no getting away from it. | ||
| It was just I was in the right place at the right time when they were looking for stand-ups on sitcoms. | ||
| That's all it is. | ||
| So it's a lot of luck. | ||
| You know, I could have had the same thing as you. | ||
| It could have been six different pilots and nothing happened. | ||
| Or it could have been one. | ||
| And Ray Romano actually had that part before you did. | ||
| You talked about that. | ||
| In news radio, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He had it, but I didn't take it from him. | ||
| I took it from the guy who took it from him. | ||
| Aha. | ||
| They decided somewhere along the line that they were going to go in some different direction. | ||
| And meanwhile, it turned out to be the greatest thing ever for Ray Romano. | ||
| Fuck News Radio. | ||
| Ray Romano made like $800 million or something. | ||
| We saw him the other night. | ||
| Do you know him? | ||
| Yeah, real well. | ||
| And he seemed like he was incredibly humble and cool. | ||
| Yeah, he's a very cool guy. | ||
| He's as down-to-earth as possible. | ||
| He hasn't changed at all. | ||
| He's the same guy. | ||
| And he was talking about something that I can totally relate to, too. | ||
| When we were at the taping of Paul Provenza's Green Room, he did it the night before I did it. | ||
| And by the way, kiddies, I had a conversation with Mark Maron. | ||
| We're both going to do each other's podcasts. | ||
| Yeah, I think it'll be good. | ||
| There's no real beef there. | ||
| This is a big Twitter issue. | ||
| So anyway, people keep asking me to do it. | ||
| Long story. | ||
| That's why, with the other thing, I don't want any beef. | ||
| I hear you. | ||
| It's distracting. | ||
| It's a waste of time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's all it is. | |
| It's a waste of time. | ||
| And you really think about pride and shit like that. | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| Who gives this fuck? | ||
| Go to work. | ||
| It's like the war of art. | ||
| I just want to do my shit. | ||
| Yeah, I hear you. | ||
| I'm exactly the same way. | ||
| Anyway, Ray Romano was talking about how... | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know, even after all these years, I do these shows. | |
| It sounds like Kermit the Fraud. | ||
| He said even after he does all these years and he does these shows at the Mirage in Vegas or wherever he goes, and, you know, massive fucking crowd. | ||
| He said he still feels like a fraud. | ||
| Imposter. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He feels like when he gets, he's stepping out there that all these people are... | ||
| Sure. | ||
| I think, he goes, I think at any moment we're going to just turn around and just point a finger at me and go, you're a dick. | ||
| We don't really like you. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And that is what it feels like. | ||
| It's a weird thing. | ||
| You do comedy all these years and people are there to see you and they're all psyched up and they're cheering when they're bringing your name. | ||
| And as you're walking to the stage, you're like, what the fuck am I even doing? | ||
| Tom Papa told me great stories about that. | ||
| He worked to sell out comedy clubs and then he started selling out some comedy clubs and then he moved to the smaller theaters. | ||
| And then as a guy in a smaller theater, he didn't take a moment to go, this is it, I'm in the smaller theater. | ||
| He started thinking about getting in bigger theaters. | ||
| Are we filling this one? | ||
| Okay, we're filling this theater and then we're going to move to a bigger theater. | ||
| He wasn't satisfied... | ||
| Right. | ||
| With the little theater. | ||
| You know, where I'm thinking, oh my god, if I can get to a theater, I don't give a shit what size it is. | ||
| Yeah, that's like the jump-off point, man, for comics. | ||
| So you always aspire to do it in theaters. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Theaters are a lot of work, though, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| It's a lot of work to try to sell them, unless you've got this giant following, you know? | ||
| I was on the road with Mitch Hedberg and he told a story about him and Lynn trying to think they could do a theater on their own. | ||
| And they didn't need a promoter. | ||
| And it was sold out at this comedy club forever and they were just going to try to do it. | ||
| And he said it was an absolute disaster. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Like half full, they lost money or barely broke even. | ||
| Well, they probably didn't have the internet in full effect back then. | ||
| No, not at all. | ||
| Because I remember Mitch Hedberg's website was bunk. | ||
| It looked like somebody put it together out of Netscape Navigator, built a website page. | ||
| Greg Shaley did that. | ||
| You know Shaley? | ||
| No. | ||
| He goes around with Stan Hope? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah, Greg Shaley did that website. | ||
| It's a terrible website. | ||
| Yeah, it really is. | ||
| It's an older style. | ||
| Yeah, it was old. | ||
| There's no updates going on there. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And so he didn't have a regular blog or he didn't have a message board. | ||
| So it's hard to get the word out. | ||
| You've got to have a lot of shit going on. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| A lot of different connections. | ||
| Well, now there's also so many different applications that you can use that allow it, you know, the communication to be just, you know, it's a lot easier before you're doing, you know, just emails if you're doing that or some sort of weird email newsletter with asterisks, you know, as a separation points, you know, there's a lot more out there now. | ||
| It's easy. | ||
| I mean, you've got to be a fucking marketing major to do all this shit. | ||
| I've got Twitter. | ||
| I've got to keep track of all this stuff. | ||
| And then you're talking about tricking out fucking Facebook pages. | ||
| And we just deleted our MySpace pages. | ||
| It's like staying on top of this shit. | ||
| Well, it's got to become a part of your life. | ||
| It really does. | ||
| And I love the fucking news stream. | ||
| I did that with... | ||
| I was in Dallas with Hal Sparks. | ||
| He dropped by. | ||
| Hal Sparks was here. | ||
| We had him on the podcast. | ||
| Yeah, we had this really surreal thing. | ||
| We were at a strip club at Triple Delage. | ||
| You know that place? | ||
| The Lodge. | ||
| Where's it at? | ||
| In Dallas, Addison. | ||
| And there was a monkey there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| So it's me and Hal and a monkey and fucking strippers. | ||
| It was really fucking weird. | ||
| We went to dinner with that guy's radio show, Big Dick Hunter. | ||
| Okay, yeah. | ||
| The Dallas guy. | ||
| Richard Hunter, yeah. | ||
| He's a good guy. | ||
| And so we're there and his wife works at the Lodge, which is a great strip club. | ||
| We're talking about strip clubs being seedy after you have kids and shit like that. | ||
| This is a really fucking nice one. | ||
| It's top notch. | ||
| I mean, that's the thing. | ||
| It's like the higher quality. | ||
| I seem to enjoy everything luxury at this point. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I want everything to be top notch. | ||
| I've seen the best hotel room, you know, and shit like that. | ||
| And everything is going to be held up in comparison to that at this point. | ||
| Once you fly first class, it's difficult to fucking go on a Southwest flight crammed in. | ||
| I know. | ||
| You don't realize how things can be nice. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Everything can be nice. | ||
| And the same thing is true with strip clubs. | ||
| You know, like there's the bad ones. | ||
| It's disgusting. | ||
| Like you said, becoming a germaphobe. | ||
| You know, and I'm thinking about all these other dudes. | ||
| I was in Tempe, and it was early on in my comedy career. | ||
| I went to a strip club during the day. | ||
| That's what you do. | ||
| Check right in right during the day. | ||
| By the way, you now have 3,148 followers. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| We just gave you like 400 followers. | ||
| Easily. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bam! | |
| Boom, like that. | ||
| You guys respond. | ||
| I fucking like it. | ||
| Respect. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| So you went to a strip club during the day. | ||
| Strip club during the day. | ||
| Which is never a good time, right? | ||
| Never a good time. | ||
| I remember going to a bachelor party and this strip club was one of the best places. | ||
| Like fantasy sequence. | ||
| Two girls at one time. | ||
| It was half off beers, half off lap dances. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Or five lap dances for one or some crazy thing. | ||
| Five lap dances for one. | ||
| No, it was a dream sequence for a strip club. | ||
| Perfect ASU chicks well before being married. | ||
| And I go in there, and during the day when I was by myself, old guy just in the corner in a wheelchair, and this girl, he's a regular, and this girl who's really hot goes up to him and starts rubbing on him, and I was looking at her before, and she starts like, he's like, hey John, how are you today? | ||
| Did you get the grilled cheese? | ||
| And like having a small talk. | ||
| And she spends like 30 minutes with him and then comes directly up to me afterwards and goes, do you want dance? | ||
| I looked at her and I go, no! | ||
| Absolutely not! | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| You see what you just did? | ||
| You just rubbed up against death and I'm gonna fucking get a lap dance? | ||
| It's disgusting! | ||
| So I'm saying this place, The Lodge in Dallas, is actually really fucking nice and beautiful. | ||
| Not like that place. | ||
| Not like the place with the old lady. | ||
| There's a tricky thing, man, with old dudes, man. | ||
| Old dudes, like, they get taken at strip clubs all the time. | ||
| You know, they become, like, a part of the landscape. | ||
| When Eddie Bravo used to be a DJ at his strip club, I used to go and visit him. | ||
| Of course he was. | ||
| For years. | ||
| For, like, ten years. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's awesome. | |
| And I would go and visit him at work, and he had, like, you get to know the ecosystem of the place. | ||
| You get to know how it works. | ||
| And you get to see, like, he was dating this girl, right? | ||
| And the girl was over by the DJ booth, and I'm talking to her. | ||
| And I'm like, yeah, so what's going on, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. | ||
| You know, we're just talking. | ||
| She's talking totally normal like this. | ||
| And all of a sudden, this guy walks in. | ||
| And the guy had, like, a postal worker's jacket on. | ||
| So he's not a guy who makes a ton of money, right? | ||
| He works for the post office. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Post office, great. | |
| So he comes in. | ||
| He's got a baseball hat on. | ||
| Looks like he's probably about 50. And she all of a sudden turns it on. | ||
| And I saw it. | ||
| And it was shocking. | ||
| It was like when you see your cat kill a mouse for the first time. | ||
| You ever see a cat kill a mouse? | ||
| And you love that cat. | ||
| But all of a sudden, bang! | ||
| That cat is fucking this mouse up. | ||
| And you're like, whoa, you evil bitch. | ||
| I never knew this about you. | ||
| Well, I'm talking to her. | ||
| She seems totally normal. | ||
| And this guy comes in. | ||
| She's like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey baby! | |
| And she comes running over to this guy and you can see this poor fuck is just smitten. | ||
| He's just so sad. | ||
| She's like, oh my god, you're here! | ||
| And she puts her one hand on his lower back and one hand on his chest, and he's got his arms around her, both of them, clasped behind him, and she's rubbing up against him. | ||
| I'm like, whoa, I'm watching a victim. | ||
| She's going to inject him with venom and suck all the money out of him. | ||
| This guy had bought her a truck. | ||
| He bought her a Yukon Denali. | ||
| She was having problems with her car, so he bought her a fucking car, an expensive one, one of those super luxuried-out Denalis. | ||
| Just like Cadillacs, like Escalades. | ||
| No, just as nice, but just with trunk space. | ||
| Dude, it was the craziest thing ever. | ||
| I was watching it, and it was like, whoa. | ||
| But this is nature, man. | ||
| This is just as natural as any other thing. | ||
| Just as natural as a... | ||
| A bug that gets caught in a spider's web and gets zapped with venom. | ||
| And also marriage. | ||
| A lot of these guys married way too early. | ||
| I mean, just think back then they were getting married to 20, 25. So they're trapped in these relationships. | ||
| They grow into different people. | ||
| It's no wonder there's so much divorce. | ||
| So then you're trapped with this woman who just becomes fucking nasty. | ||
| And then they get those mom haircuts so they all look like they have that little lesbian mom haircut about them. | ||
| And like denim jeans and all kinds of weird mom jeans. | ||
| They give up all together on their bodies. | ||
| And then he can go to a strip club and be with a 10. And all it costs is maybe $22,000 after you get that car wholesale. | ||
| And here he's got this 10 that's just all over him on a regular basis. | ||
| That was apparently his modus operandi, this guy's thing. | ||
| Was to come there after work and just hang out. | ||
| He would hang out for hours and hours and hours and just give this chick all of his money. | ||
| Like literally gave this chick all of his money. | ||
| Every day it was like a new thousand. | ||
| Thousand here, thousand there, thousand here, thousand there. | ||
| That's another part with strip clubs is I'm too worried. | ||
| I started thinking like, if I took this money and went to Osh... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oshkosh? | |
| What is Oshkosh? | ||
| Orchard supply hardware. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| House supplies? | ||
| Yeah, that's funny. | ||
| I've got to work on my place. | ||
| Stripper money cuts into my home. | ||
| That's mad money. | ||
| That's like, I'm a baller. | ||
| Seriously, yeah, taking it and throwing it away. | ||
| Let's throw away all this money. | ||
| I think about that all the time, even if it's going out drinking or something like that. | ||
| I'm like, shit, I just, you know, went out to eat and I spent, you know, $60. | ||
| I could have went and bought a, you know, fucking grocery. | ||
| I hate that. | ||
| Yeah, you can get, like, the best steak ever at a supermarket for, like, $20. | ||
| Yeah, not even with $20. | ||
| Well, if you get a big, fat, thick one, aren't they, like, $20? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Stakes are like 20 bucks. | ||
| Well, that's like also riding the wave of these comedy careers because sometime point you can get, like look at a guy like Elon Gold, you know, the comic. | ||
| He's always been on shows. | ||
| He was on that show, Stacked with Pamela Anderson. | ||
| He was on, you know, he's been on sitcoms. | ||
| He's got four kids. | ||
| Wow, does he really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's an impressionist who looks like Elon Gold, Seinfeld, and shit like that. | ||
| He does a lot of good impressions. | ||
| He's a very good impressionist. | ||
| He does good impressions of comics. | ||
| Yeah, he's very funny. | ||
| Anyway, so he is on these shows, and the shows go away. | ||
| And he has to sort of ride it out and save as much money as he possibly can. | ||
| I'm in the same boat. | ||
| It's like, I got a deal, and then I have nothing. | ||
| Well, the key is to keep the stand-up going so that you always have something. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, if your stand-up is strong and you headline all over the country and you get a big following and, you know, especially develop an internet presence, then you don't have to ever worry about things. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| Because you always got money coming in. | ||
| And you can always sort of hustle. | ||
| I mean, I'm not making a ton of money doing stand-up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I can make a living. | ||
| I can definitely make what some of that guy in the post office does. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But you could. | |
| But listen, you could be making a ton of money doing stand-up. | ||
| You have the comedy chops. | ||
| It's just a matter of getting your comedy out there to more people. | ||
| It's not that you don't have a great product. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| That's the thing. | ||
| People come out to see me live. | ||
| It's nothing but good shows. | ||
| Bill Burr, I talk to him a lot, and he told me it's killing an obscurity. | ||
| He goes, 2001 to 2006 was my killing an obscurity phase. | ||
| He goes, I was just crushing it everywhere you go. | ||
| Nobody knows who the fuck you are. | ||
| And then it just starts to snowball and snowball, and you get on this thing, and that thing happens. | ||
| And it's just getting the people in the notoriety... | ||
| To have people be familiar with your shit. | ||
| And then, you know, it'll just all start to fucking happen. | ||
| Yeah, the key is just to keep doing comedy. | ||
| When I was on news radio, like, I was always constantly getting encouraged by people to not do it anymore. | ||
| They were like, why do comedy? | ||
| You're an actor now. | ||
| Look at, like, Paul Reiser, who just could have been, you know, Seinfeld kept going, all these guys. | ||
| Ray Romano still does stand-up. | ||
| Kevin James, I think, is still going out. | ||
| Reiser doesn't do it at all anymore? | ||
| Reiser just stopped all... | ||
| I was like, thank God. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what? | |
| Working with Helen Hunt for 10 years probably just crushes every comedy instinct you have. | ||
| Every day, you're probably like, what the fuck am I doing for money? | ||
| I mean, Michael Keaton was a stand-up. | ||
| There's all these actors. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know Michael Keaton. | |
| Michael Keaton. | ||
| I haven't seen any Michael Keaton stand-up. | ||
| Batman was a stand-up. | ||
| What happened to Michael Keaton? | ||
| Stopped working. | ||
| He's still a shit? | ||
| No, he's working. | ||
| For a long time, though, he stopped. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Did he? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He dropped off and became this kind of character actor guy. | ||
| He went from being this main movie star to a break, and then now he's a character actor, which is really kind of a fascinating transition. | ||
| Well, he was in the movie The Good Guys with the other guys. | ||
| Will Ferrell. | ||
| Will Ferrell. | ||
| I didn't see that. | ||
| Was it good? | ||
| He's really funny then. | ||
| He's bringing up TLC references. | ||
| It's just weird that, you know, he was a giant movie star at one point in time, remember? | ||
| The clone movie? | ||
| He was fucking Batman! | ||
| Three Men and a Baby, remember that? | ||
| Was he in that? | ||
| Wasn't he? | ||
| Tom Guttenberg was in that with... | ||
| Steve Guttenberg. | ||
| Steve Guttenberg, sorry. | ||
| Here's a Steve Guttenberg story. | ||
| Steve Guttenberg, you know, he's lost his mind. | ||
| Yeah, and he used to be, another one, he used to be a big movie star, and now the guy can't get arrested, he doesn't do anything. | ||
| Well, the day Phil Hartman was murdered... | ||
| Steve Guttenberg shows up at Phil Hartman's house. | ||
| He didn't know Phil. | ||
| I mean, if he knew him, he knew him casually. | ||
| He didn't know him like I knew him or somebody who worked with him on Saturday Night Live might have known him. | ||
| He barely knew the guy. | ||
| So he shows up with a fucking suit and tie standing in front of Phil Hartman's house and acting as a liaison between the entertainment industry and the press. | ||
| And trying to ask the press to use respect and to use good judgment. | ||
| No way! | ||
| Wow! | ||
| To leave his family alone in this trying time. | ||
| And the way he did it was... | ||
| What a Weasley move. | ||
| It was so creepy, dude. | ||
| It was so like, this poor fucking guy. | ||
| Something happened. | ||
| He blew a fuse or something. | ||
| He must have had some sort of a breakdown. | ||
| Because the idea of him even doing this... | ||
| Was he his neighbor or anything? | ||
| No! | ||
| Nowhere near him. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| There was a few famous neighbors, too. | ||
| He lived down the street from Sam Adams. | ||
| Not Sam Adams. | ||
| Samuel Jackson. | ||
| Sam Adams. | ||
| The fuck's wrong with me? | ||
| I mean, he had a bunch of famous neighbors. | ||
| And it wasn't someone saying, hey, this is my neighbor, please leave him alone. | ||
| It was a guy who just shows up and he says, the cameras are going to be here. | ||
| I'm just going to get on camera and I'm going to speak for the... | ||
| And he thought, he was like, yeah, it's some sort of a message. | ||
| But the real message that everybody was getting out of it was like, Why the fuck is Steve Guttenberg there with a suit and tie on in front of a murder scene? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, that's the same thing. | |
| Do you remember Brian Holtzman at the Freddy Soto Memorial? | ||
| Did you ever hear about that? | ||
| No. | ||
| Where he goes, just yells out, and, um, half you motherfuckers here don't even know Freddy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just trying to fucking see if there's a manager or an agent. | |
| You fucking fuck! | ||
| Yeah, let me hear, everybody. | ||
| Look at all you motherfuckers. | ||
| It's true, though. | ||
| He's right. | ||
| One of Freddie's friends admitted to never being a virgin during the memorial. | ||
| He goes, I knew Freddie would get the biggest kick out of this, so I'm going to do it. | ||
| He goes, I need to tell everybody right now. | ||
| He goes, I'm a virgin. | ||
| Oldsman goes up after him and goes, first line is, he goes, I'll fuck that virgin. | ||
| It's a memorial. | ||
| The place goes... | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| I mean, that's how funny Holtzman is. | ||
| Anyway, so he then proceeds to say, look at you motherfuckers, like all looking around like somebody's here. | ||
| And then Joey Diaz, the best thing at the Marilyn Martinez memorial, went off on this guy, Jeff Valdez. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think he's just, look at everybody, Jeff Valdez is there. | |
| Fuck you, Jeff Valdez. | ||
| You know, just fucking, you cocksucker. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Marilyn fucking hated you, and we all fucking hate you. | |
| Fuck you, Jeff, at the memorial. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Marilyn would love to fuck, and then I'm doing this for you now. | |
| Joey, it was one of the... | ||
| Wow, I didn't even know that. | ||
| I had my hands on my face, and I was going, thank you, Joey. | ||
| Thank you, Joey. | ||
| Is the guy that much of a douchebag? | ||
| He's a douchebag, you know? | ||
| He's like one of these guys who would, you step on your own fucking mother. | ||
| That's what he's yelling at. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's what Joey was yelling at? | ||
| Because he knew Marilyn would love it. | ||
| Just like that guy told the story. | ||
| He goes, Marilyn would want me to do this right now. | ||
| And she would. | ||
| And she would. | ||
| I went on the road with her. | ||
| This is weird. | ||
| I mean, I've been on the road with Marilyn Martinez, Mitch Hedberg, This other guy passed away, Dan Crawford, that I was very good friends with, was in San Francisco, which is horrible. | ||
| We do a benefit, if you ever did San Francisco Punchline, the Dan Crawford Memorial Fund. | ||
| You know, we give a comic a free liquor tab for the whole year. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Because this guy was just a great guy, a great partier, and he was one of my good friends, and he just fucking died. | ||
| Get away from me. | ||
| Oh, I'm sorry, yeah. | ||
| Brian just moved away. | ||
| He went to the hospital. | ||
| He was a comic living in his dad's basement. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And he went to the hospital with a headache, a public hospital. | ||
| He didn't have insurance. | ||
| He's a comic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| 24 years old. | ||
| And they said, no, we can't help you. | ||
| And they sent him away. | ||
| And then he went back and said, it's really bad. | ||
| You've got to help me. | ||
| And they gave him Vicodin. | ||
| And he went back to the garage. | ||
| And they found him convulsing on the floor. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, jeez. | |
| Because he had, bacteria had gotten in his brain. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| And had they seen him the first time when he walked in, he would totally be alive. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Wow. | ||
| He was just a comic. | ||
| He was a kid without health insurance. | ||
| So, I mean, if anybody's up in the Bay Area, I'm doing the Dan Crawford scholarship thing in March, and we raise money to give to a free clinic. | ||
| How would they find out about the date? | ||
| Twitter? | ||
| Yeah, I'll definitely put it on Twitter. | ||
| Okay, so Al Magical on Twitter. | ||
| Wow, man. | ||
| So that shit happens all the time. | ||
| So I've been around all these guys. | ||
| I mean, and Greg Geraldo I've been friends with. | ||
| Did you know about Jerry Red Wilson? | ||
| Did you know Jerry Wilson? | ||
| You know, I heard that happening, but I didn't know the guy. | ||
| Jerry Red Wilson is another great guy. | ||
| I knew him from the scene in New York. | ||
| Really funny guy. | ||
| A lot of ethnic humor. | ||
| Irish kid. | ||
| They call him Jerry Red Wilson. | ||
| Gets a pilot. | ||
| His pilot's in the middle of shooting. | ||
| I think it went, but it got canceled. | ||
| Anyway, he's always working. | ||
| He's in the mix. | ||
| And he's got a headache. | ||
| He's got some fucking problem. | ||
| He goes to the hospital, and he's waiting in line. | ||
| I guess he's waiting in the waiting room for like an hour and a half. | ||
| And he can't take it anymore. | ||
| Fuck this. | ||
| I'm getting out of here. | ||
| And he has to go to Hawaii to film the Fantasy Island, the new version of Fantasy Island. | ||
| And by the time he gets there, he's so fucked up that he dies. | ||
| He had meningitis. | ||
| And he had green shit leaking out of his ears. | ||
| He had some serious fucking infection in his brain. | ||
| And he just let it go. | ||
| You need to find a place where you can go get checked out. | ||
| Well, he had money. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| But he just ignored the shit. | ||
| He was one of those impatient guys. | ||
| Fuck this. | ||
| I ain't got time for this. | ||
| Let's get out of here. | ||
| His career was taking off. | ||
| He had a million things going on. | ||
| He was one of those guys you would talk to him and he was just so obsessed with it. | ||
| He was like, well, we've got a deal right now with Universal. | ||
| If that doesn't get picked up, we've got more. | ||
| He was hustling. | ||
| He was hustling, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, he was making it happen. | ||
| So for him, that hour and a half sitting in that waiting room was just killing him. | ||
| So he leaves and he fucking dies. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Shit. | ||
| And you're not supposed to fly with a sinus infection. | ||
| They tell you that all the time. | ||
| You're not supposed to fly with that shit at all. | ||
| I flew once when I had pneumonia. | ||
| I've flown when I've... | ||
| Because I've got to get to a stupid gig. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I just... | ||
| I'll fly. | ||
| When I go to the Pacific Northwest, it feels like my head's going to fucking explode. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So you do that shit all the time and you... | ||
| I mean, you've got to... | ||
| Sometimes I get a little overboard hypochondriac a little bit. | ||
| Well, you know, I got sick for the first time this year in fucking years. | ||
| I haven't gotten sick. | ||
| And I slacked off. | ||
| And here's one of the reasons why. | ||
| I take a lot of probiotics. | ||
| I drink like kombucha. | ||
| This kombucha tea. | ||
| It's fucking super good for your health. | ||
| Coconut juice is healthy. | ||
| Coconut juice is great too. | ||
| But what happened with kombucha is they got in trouble with Whole Foods because their shit was more than one half of 1% alcohol. | ||
| So it has to be labeled. | ||
| So they watered the fuck down. | ||
| They watered their formula, like seriously watered it down. | ||
| Where it tastes like shit. | ||
| It does not taste near, it's GT's kombucha. | ||
| It used to taste awesome. | ||
| It was like very carbonated, very strong, and I really enjoyed the flavor. | ||
| But then it became like this, like, literally it feels like it's half water and half what it used to be. | ||
| And I just, I think it's not nearly as active, like the probiotics in it. | ||
| I don't think they're nearly as strong. | ||
| So I got sick, like for the first time ever. | ||
| Do you really think that's why you got sick? | ||
| Yeah, you know why? | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| This is why I think it, because I've never been sick before and I've been drinking that shit almost every day. | ||
| So it changes within a month. | ||
| Of it changing, I go and I get sick for the first time. | ||
| I really think that makes sense. | ||
| I went to a vitamin shop and I walked in there and I was deathly ill. | ||
| And I said, what are you selling all the time that works for immunity? | ||
| And I stuff flying off the shelf. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is it? | |
| And he took me to a thing called Sambucol, black elderberry shit that you drink and there's pills for it. | ||
| I would take that on a regular basis whenever I get sick. | ||
| Cleaned right off. | ||
| I mean, it really does work. | ||
| There are definitely probiotics, and what they do is they attack all the negative shit in your body, all the unhealthy bacteria. | ||
| It's like you're keeping healthy troops on hand. | ||
| Acidophilus is a big one. | ||
| I hadn't taken acidophilus in forever. | ||
| The reason why is because I was drinking this kombucha all the time. | ||
| I was like, I don't need to supplement with acidophilus. | ||
| I'm getting plenty of probiotics from this. | ||
| So then once this stuff went bad, I started taking acidophilus again. | ||
| Now I take acidophilus every day. | ||
| That's in milk? | ||
| Yeah, it's a milk culture. | ||
| Yogurt. | ||
| You can buy it in pills. | ||
| You can buy it on live form. | ||
| You have to keep it refrigerated. | ||
| You know, but it's, you know... | ||
| Especially as you get older, man. | ||
| You start being real cognizant of your health. | ||
| Yeah, I go to a gym and I've been trying to go every single day. | ||
| My resolution is holding up so far. | ||
| And even if I can just go for a little bit, I get my heart going and I stretch. | ||
| I'm just trying to keep everything in shape. | ||
| If you don't talk into the microphone, dude, your voice varies significantly. | ||
| Sorry, I'm looking at you at the same time. | ||
| No, it's alright. | ||
| Let's turn so we don't have to do that. | ||
| Because your voice is real low and then all of a sudden it's real high. | ||
| So the people on the ecliptical machine right now with their headphones in, they're like, it's fucking Al Magical. | ||
| Tell them where the mic is. | ||
| Sorry, that's not disturbing. | ||
| See where the sign is, where the words are? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's the part we should talk to. | ||
| Ah, perfect. | ||
| I was on the top of it. | ||
| You were ready, dude. | ||
| You were right there. | ||
| Anyway, so you go to the gym. | ||
| Yeah, taking better care of myself. | ||
| I feel like I could, when I saw that UFC fight for the first time, I felt like I could fucking get in there and fuck somebody up. | ||
| I certainly feel like I have the mindset for it. | ||
| Like, I really feel like I could kick somebody's ass. | ||
| I used to fire people. | ||
| You know that was my job when you first met me, is that I, like, up in the air with George Clooney? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I used to be, I terminated over a thousand people. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was like, that was my job at my parents' family business, is that I used to be the fucking hatchet, man. | ||
| Wow, you got some Negative karma shit going on. | ||
| Well, no, they deserved it for the most part. | ||
| But sometimes it's an unfortunate time. | ||
| It's like a privilege to be working and having somebody pay you. | ||
| If you had a fucking employee and you didn't have the money anymore, there's nothing else we can do. | ||
| There's a bunch of different ways of looking at this economy being all fucked up. | ||
| And I see some people who are very pragmatic look at it like, hey, you know what, these jobs... | ||
| These jobs that these people are losing, these jobs weren't important in the first place. | ||
| These motherfuckers, you know, we lost all our jobs overseas, and what we need to do is strengthen our economy, and this is just a symptom of a bigger evil. | ||
| I see that on an individual, one-on-one basis, man. | ||
| Whenever I think about these people that are going broke, and people that are losing their houses, and people that don't know what to do, especially if I think that they're dumb, And that their occupation options are limited and then they have children and shit too. | ||
| It's like, fuck, man. | ||
| These poor fucks were led to believe that this whole thing, that this ship was going to sail. | ||
| It's going to be fine. | ||
| Well, also it's what you were talking about with stand-up. | ||
| If you just decide to check out and work and you reach a $30,000 job and you say, this is it. | ||
| This is all I need. | ||
| Right. | ||
| My father-in-law did that shit. | ||
| He's the type of guy who would go and sit in a big recliner and get like a thirsty two-ouncer and just fucking sit there and watch TV. No aspirations to do anything. | ||
| And he plays golf, but people are fucking like that. | ||
| There's a lot of people like that. | ||
| A lot of people like that. | ||
| You just become complacent. | ||
| You're like, this is good right here. | ||
| I don't know if it's bad. | ||
| I think there's a machine going on, man. | ||
| I think we're all little pieces of this fucking giant machine. | ||
| And I think you can look at it like what you're doing is very important and that what you're doing has meaning to it. | ||
| But really it has meaning to you and has meaning to the people who like it. | ||
| But what is its place in the overall grand scheme? | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| These people sitting there with drinks, they might be onto something. | ||
| They might be onto something. | ||
| The guy who was the bouncer. | ||
| Just sat there with the power and no job. | ||
| That guy was not onto something. | ||
| I don't believe that. | ||
| I think that guy needs to get a real fucking job. | ||
| A 40-year-old super genius. | ||
| Yeah, we need all the super geniuses. | ||
| Telling people not to puke on his shoes. | ||
| Yeah, working on good projects. | ||
| Yeah, no hats! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck! | |
| Aren't you a super genius? | ||
| Yeah, no hats. | ||
| Yeah, no hats. | ||
| My favorite is, like, they tell you how to wear your hat. | ||
| Like, no hats backwards. | ||
| Like, I like wearing hats backwards. | ||
| That's how I wear hats. | ||
| Especially because when I play pool, I can see the balls better. | ||
| I don't want a big fucking floppy bill. | ||
| But I went into a pool hall once and the guy's like, you gotta turn your cap around. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| You gotta turn my hat around? | ||
| Like, really? | ||
| That's your rule? | ||
| That's sloppy. | ||
| And hat around in front ways. | ||
| Oh, that's fucking so much better. | ||
| I look like a Ken member. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Especially when you wear it up high a little bit. | ||
| Oh, the other thing was no wallet chains. | ||
| Couldn't have wallet chains either. | ||
| I had to put my wallet chain in my pocket. | ||
| Choke out. | ||
| Gotham Comedy Club, remember that? | ||
| Did they have no wallet chains? | ||
| No, no hats allowed at Gotham Comedy Club. | ||
| I'm like, this is a comedy club. | ||
| And they were still getting it on me while you were filming there. | ||
| And I'm like, no, I'm with Joe. | ||
| And they still were like, can you take it off? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| That's so silly. | ||
| What looks worse, a hat or a hat head? | ||
| Definitely a hat head. | ||
| Well, who's getting offended by hats? | ||
| I mean, it's one thing if you're wearing some crazy fucking Phyllis Dillard thing with feathers and no one can see behind you. | ||
| Fucking Charlie Chaplin was the last person to be offended by a hat. | ||
| Or somebody back in the day where they'd take off hats every time they eat. | ||
| Sure it is. | ||
| It's sort of a Three Stooges. | ||
| They invade the rich people's party. | ||
| Another one of my favorites is when you go somewhere and they say, your shirt has to have a collar. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We talked about that before in the podcast. | ||
| Or it's like in a lot of parks in LA, a big sign says, no soccer, no parties. | ||
| And no soccer, no parties. | ||
| Why not just say, no Mexicans? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Please, Mexicans elsewhere. | ||
| No soccer. | ||
| Why would you not want soccer? | ||
| I guess people are trying to have picnics. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Can you play football? | ||
| If you're white, I think you can sort of do things. | ||
| Do whatever you want. | ||
| But if a Latino soccer game breaks out, which they've been known to in Los Angeles... | ||
| They stop it. | ||
| They stop it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, thank you. | |
| That's hilarious, man. | ||
| It's a fucking park. | ||
| Are they thinking that they dominate the park and they make it unsafe for whites? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I have no idea. | ||
| They just live there. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I don't get it. | ||
| What's wrong with it? | ||
| The old white guy is at the top of that. | ||
| He's making that decision. | ||
| Is that what that is? | ||
| That's got to be. | ||
| Trying to bring it back to the way it was in the 50s. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| No Latino park disturbance. | ||
| I watched a Mad Men where they're at a park and they take their big blanket and they just dump the thing and shake out the blanket and all the garbage just goes everywhere and then they just walk away. | ||
| That's how they used to do this shit. | ||
| Just litter. | ||
| And our public parks were just completely... | ||
| You were talking about earlier with the water supply. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's how people used to rock it? | ||
| Just fucking throw a Coke out the window. | ||
| Out the window. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| People still do that all the time with cigarettes. | ||
| Do you do that, Brian? | ||
| Please say you don't. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| I knock the cherry off into a... | ||
| Usually I have like a can in my car. | ||
| And then I just... | ||
| I've seen people throw Burger King bags out the window. | ||
| I honked. | ||
| I don't know why I honked. | ||
| I just fucking honked. | ||
| Like, hey, that's fucked up. | ||
| And a big hand came out and just went... | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of cunts out there. | ||
| We're four Samoan teenagers. | ||
| You know what I see a lot, man? | ||
| I see fucking Priuses. | ||
| Those Toyota Priuses. | ||
| And then I see the person driving the Prius flick a cigarette out the window. | ||
| I see that shit all the time. | ||
| Save the earth! | ||
| I mark it down. | ||
| I see it so many times I mark it down. | ||
| I've seen it seven times. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Seven times over the past three years that I've been looking for it. | ||
| You know, it's definitely something that That people do in other states all the time. | ||
| And then in California, they don't do it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| People do it less here. | ||
| Littering quite a bit in the Midwest. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You don't even think about it in Ohio. | ||
| That's just what everyone does. | ||
| Like, I didn't get it until when I first moved out here and you got mad at me because I flicked my cigarette on the ground and you got mad at me. | ||
| I'm like, what? | ||
| It's just a cigarette. | ||
| And then you were like, pick that up, Brian, blah, blah. | ||
| I'm like... | ||
| Never heard anyone tell me to pick up a cigarette. | ||
| There's a lot of people in this. | ||
| Where do you think the cigarettes are going? | ||
| There's a lot of people burning trash in their backyard as well. | ||
| Like, that shit's happening. | ||
| That's happening, I mean, I'm sure people are listening where that's commonly done or you have... | ||
| Alright, all this douchey behavior. | ||
| How do you stop it? | ||
| What the fuck do you do to change people? | ||
| What do you do to turn people around? | ||
| What do you do? | ||
| You just gotta just concentrate on yourself. | ||
| I mean, you could volunteer or something and try to help. | ||
| I mean, you could go the extra step. | ||
| I mean, if you can't control your own shit, first of all, like, my wife is recycling, like, everything. | ||
| I get yelled at for not putting something in the fucking recycling. | ||
| Mine does too, yeah. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| But meanwhile, some Chinese guy down the block is burning a tire. | ||
| You know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's fucking... | |
| What the fuck? | ||
| I mean, how am I supposed to, like, really care that much to get separated out? | ||
| The homeless people are coming by, too, in my neighborhood and rooting through everything. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| They're, like, sorting it. | ||
| It'll get sorted out eventually. | ||
| Shit. | ||
| So, like, anyway. | ||
| But how are you supposed to care? | ||
| You can only worry about yourself. | ||
| And that's the same thing with stand-up. | ||
| And, like, that's what we've been talking about the entire time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| But as a whole, if you looked at the human race or looked at just the human race in America, you know, the ones that we understand, the culture that we understand. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| How the fuck do you fix it? | ||
| How do you fix this culture? | ||
| Is everyone getting organized? | ||
| One common goal of living in harmony and in a safe and clean environment? | ||
| There'd be no crime and shit like that? | ||
| That guy throwing Burger King bags out his window and giving you the finger. | ||
| How do you connect to that guy? | ||
| We're fucked. | ||
| I don't think there's any way to connect to that guy. | ||
| Because that guy maybe was brought up in a house where he was a homeless kid and didn't have anything. | ||
| He's got this horrible fucking life. | ||
| What if he's just a douchebag? | ||
| Just a fat douchebag and his dad's a fat douchebag? | ||
| Look, I've got all kinds of things. | ||
| Like, when I see people on pay phones, I'm like, there is no reason why you shouldn't have a fucking cell phone. | ||
| Well, if you're broke. | ||
| No, I'm just talking about, like, there's, I mean, they're giving them away. | ||
| And, like, if you're broke and you're on a pay phone, it's used for something illegal. | ||
| Tap every single fucking one of those and just arrest those fucking people. | ||
| Seriously. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| That could easily just be broke people, dude. | ||
| Or someone who loses their phone. | ||
| 40 ounce? | ||
| You sound like an elitist. | ||
| A 40 ounce? | ||
| Nothing good has ever come from it. | ||
| They're great. | ||
| If you want to watch Superfly and review it, they're the best thing to drink. | ||
| I did that once with a buddy of mine. | ||
| We watched... | ||
| Country Club. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Country Club is another one. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| It's another malt liquor. | ||
| Oh, is it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We had Old English and there was another one. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| I forget what it was. | ||
| But there's a bunch of those that are only, they're really marketed, something King Cobra, I think it was, marketed for the black community, like straight up. | ||
| You know, the smooth taste, it goes down easy. | ||
| Like even the way it's written, like the ads are written. | ||
| It's just like, just straight to the African American community. | ||
| And when you start drinking that stuff, those are so strong We are so strong, and you don't give a fuck. | ||
| You drink that shit, you don't give a fuck. | ||
| I used to drink Boons. | ||
| Is that what it's called? | ||
| Like Strawberry Farm Boons? | ||
| Oh, there's Night Train. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Boons Strawberry Farm. | ||
| It's like a sweet wine. | ||
| Yeah, it was like a sweet wine that was marketed to taste really good. | ||
| Grape wine. | ||
| Like grape juice. | ||
| Yeah, grape juice for black people. | ||
| Purple drink. | ||
| It really is, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, how do you fix that? | ||
| Well, there's also Cisco and all that shit. | ||
| I mean, just really high alcohol content. | ||
| Well, you know that Loco, Four Loco? | ||
| Do you hear about that one? | ||
| I had it on New Year's. | ||
| You're pulling it off the market? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Somebody had it on New Year's at that Woolly Barsen show that I was talking about. | ||
| I took a shot of it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was up all night with heart palpitations. | |
| I really felt like it was the Four Loco really fucked me up. | ||
| I've heard people died off of it. | ||
| Yeah, a couple people are. | ||
| It's a band, and somebody had a big-ass can. | ||
| They go, Al, you've got to try the Four Locos Band. | ||
| I go, I'll just take a sip of it. | ||
| You only took one sip and it jacked you. | ||
| Dude, I feel like it fucked my whole night. | ||
| I had the most surreal New Year's Sacramento punchline. | ||
| It's in a strip mall next to a sleep train. | ||
| And I was at the... | ||
| How about Arden Mall? | ||
| It's in a strip mall. | ||
| It is at Barber College. | ||
| You've been to that place, haven't you? | ||
| A cell phone store. | ||
| A mattress store. | ||
| It's just in a strip mall. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's upstairs, big mattress store. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| All kinds of weird shops. | ||
| Red Lobster next to a Tony Roma's, next to an Outback. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Like, just nothing. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I'm in there on New Year's, and people had paid $50 a ticket to go to this New Year's show. | ||
| And it was a good show. | ||
| I mean, I didn't get up there and half-ass fucking $50 a ticket. | ||
| But... | ||
| It was weird. | ||
| I mean, spending your New Year's in a fucking strip mall, dancing. | ||
| Some guy wore Dom Perignon at a strip mall, and he's trying to show off in front of his girlfriend, and a fight broke out because somebody spilled it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Oh, really? | ||
| It was a whole weird, and I was filming the whole thing. | ||
| I was filming this old lady. | ||
|
unidentified
|
On your flip? | |
| I really was on my flip. | ||
| I'm going to add the video. | ||
| I'll make sure I put that on Twitter as well. | ||
| People came up to me and was like, are you filming our mom? | ||
| I go, no, I'm not filming her. | ||
| I sort of was filming their mom. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Not really. | ||
| You couldn't make out who it was in my flip camera. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then the kid who's the son of the mom who was dancing, who was dancing really fucking funny with this young Latino kid and she was old and this Latino kid was just dry humping her on the dance floor. | ||
| So I'm like, this is my New Year's. | ||
| You know, what a horrible fucking New Year's. | ||
| And they came up and the guy says, I've been looking for an excuse to kick your ass the whole night. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| I go, why? | ||
| Where'd that come from? | ||
| I haven't fucking done anything. | ||
| Like, it was a horrible fucking New Year's. | ||
| Sounds better in the mind, though. | ||
| At least you were outside of the house. | ||
| Stayed in? | ||
| Brian had a fight with his girl on New Year's, man. | ||
| Yeah, my girl left me. | ||
| His girl left him on New Year's, man. | ||
| That same girl we were talking about? | ||
| Not only does girl leave my New Year's. | ||
| Trashy vixen. | ||
| It's a long story. | ||
| That's not cool. | ||
| We'll have to play that Prince song again. | ||
| Trust me, it's probably the best this time around. | ||
| Last time she broke up with him, we had to play the Prince song. | ||
| I got a broken heart again. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I got a broken heart again. | |
| Do you really feel bad about it? | ||
| No, I don't feel bad at all. | ||
| You know what it's like, man? | ||
| This is what I described it. | ||
| It's the same way I describe people who are douching you on the internet, that it's like a little bit of snake venom. | ||
| A little bit of snake venom gets you immune to snake venom. | ||
| So that snake, after it bites you three or four times, after a while, you're like, hey, get the fuck out of here. | ||
| You're not poisoning me anymore. | ||
| She was one of those relationships where like we would break up and then, you know, something happened and then I would take her back just because I know how broken she is. | ||
| And then this third time was just like so quick and fast. | ||
| Like we started dating again. | ||
| Next thing I know, she's almost moved in. | ||
| She's talking about getting married. | ||
| And like this is like in two weeks. | ||
| And she just got out of a relationship where this guy like cheated on her or something like that. | ||
| And it was the most intense zero to 60 in two weeks. | ||
| And then one day, just out of nowhere, she just started going crazy, picking fights with me out of nowhere. | ||
| I'm like, what the fuck is going on? | ||
| Next thing I know, next day, she's tweeting her ex-boyfriend, like, pictures together, like... | ||
| What the fuck is going on? | ||
| And I keep on finding all this shit she left at my house. | ||
| And one of the things is, she had a memory card in my camera that she must have used in my camera. | ||
| And the funniest thing is, pictures of her and this guy, and then the next day, pictures of me and her. | ||
| It's like your life. | ||
| Doing the exact same poses. | ||
| Like arms around each other. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| And it was like two days. | ||
| It was actually two days. | ||
| It's like you're photoshopped in over that other guy. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| Well, you know what it is? | ||
| And this is how I describe it to you. | ||
| There's some people that are addicted to that charge of an initial relationship when someone is just in love with you. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, when you meet someone, man, and you fucking really click, and you're hanging out, and you're fucking like four or five times a day, and you're just kissing all the time, and you can't wait to see him, that's like an intense fucking, you know, intense romantic thing. | ||
| And then... | ||
| I got married. | ||
| Yeah, it works that way sometimes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then when you're in a situation where, let's be quite honest about this, the girl perhaps might be a bit above you on the food chain. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Not a lot, but a bit, right? | ||
| Happens. | ||
| Well, then you're stepping on eggshells because you're afraid of offending her because you're in a situation where you're like, Jesus, I don't want to fuck this up. | ||
| This is the greatest thing of all time. | ||
| This is so perfect. | ||
| She's got the perfect body. | ||
| I'm telling all my friends, dude, look at this picture. | ||
| Can you believe I'm fucking this? | ||
| This is insane. | ||
| And so then, you know, they get addicted to that really intense part of the relationship where you're just enamored by them. | ||
| And then as time goes on, you get comfortable with each other, and then she becomes your girlfriend. | ||
| And when she becomes your girlfriend... | ||
| Then you just kind of like lackadaisical around each other. | ||
| You don't care if your hair is fucked up. | ||
| You don't care if your breath smells. | ||
| Pee with the door open. | ||
| Yeah, you don't give a fuck. | ||
| Hotbox each other. | ||
| And she doesn't give a fuck either. | ||
| And so it becomes some weird thing where you just get real comfortable with each other and you don't fuck as much. | ||
| And then some other guy comes along and that other guy shows the same potential for being the guy that's so in love with you and this is it. | ||
| It's supposed to be about us. | ||
| We've had some problems in the past. | ||
| We're going to fucking stick together forever till death. | ||
| We're going to have babies. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| And then the rage is on again and it's just this mad fucking crazy dash from one person to the next who can provide the next charge, the next beginning of the relationship, thunderous, orgasmic type of interaction. | ||
| And it sucks because I've gotten to the age where I totally know that, you know? | ||
| And so I am like, this person gets hurt, and I'm like, you know, I want you to know. | ||
| I can tell you what happened to our relationship. | ||
| And, you know, we can really work this together. | ||
| And I'll do the stupid take girl back. | ||
| I need to, I don't know, I just need to stop. | ||
| No, you know what, man, listen. | ||
| I need to stop dating girls and start dating guys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How old are you now? | |
| Oh, that's it. | ||
| You know, like all the shit that's at my house and I'm like, oh, wow, a sock, a bra. | ||
| And I'm like, I need to date guys because then they can leave things like, oh, Gillette Censorblades, Razor, you know, like a video game. | ||
| Oh, he left me a video game. | ||
| I hate the shit that girls leave over past relationships. | ||
| How old are you? | ||
| Oh, that's good. | ||
| How old are you? | ||
| 39. Oh. | ||
| See, I thought you were way younger than me. | ||
| I think, you know, look, it's hard to find someone that you fucking jive with all the time. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| And sometimes people can keep it together for long stretches where they really are the perfect girlfriend. | ||
| For like two weeks, this crazy bitch really is the perfect girlfriend. | ||
| She's a lot of fun. | ||
| She wants to cook. | ||
| She's hilarious. | ||
| She cracks jokes. | ||
| I look forward to seeing her. | ||
| And then after that two weeks, the fucking crazy comes out. | ||
| And after the two weeks, it's what am I going to do for a living? | ||
| And what am I going to do for this? | ||
| And what happens when I get old? | ||
| And what am I going to do when I'm 50? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| I want to date a blind deaf girl. | ||
| No. | ||
| But you gotta date, dude. | ||
| Ready for this? | ||
| You gotta date civilians. | ||
| You gotta date civilians. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Absolutely. | |
| My wife's a first grade teacher. | ||
| Bingo. | ||
| Perfect. | ||
| Civilian. | ||
| Listen, you're a creative weirdo, okay? | ||
| And if you're dating another creative weirdo, she's gonna be just as fucked up as you are, but in a way you can't understand because she's gonna be a woman. | ||
| That's what the hardest part about living in California, though, is because 90% of the population is out here to be in the same entertainment industry. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's true. | |
| There's a lot of regular nights. | ||
| I know some of my wife's teacher friends that are very single and available. | ||
| They're tainted. | ||
| They're tainted. | ||
| They're out here. | ||
| Listen, they know Al Magical. | ||
| He's probably fucked them all on the side. | ||
| Are we going to Texas anytime soon, Joe? | ||
| Dude, you've got to move to Colorado with me. | ||
| I'm moving back. | ||
| Are you really? | ||
| I want my kids to be raised in Colorado. | ||
| Texas. | ||
| I don't want my kids to be raised in California. | ||
| I think this place is just, it hums at too high a frequency. | ||
| Are you in a nice area? | ||
| Yeah, that's true. | ||
| And I want to go further out. | ||
| I want to live on a ranch, dude. | ||
| I like living in the woods. | ||
| That's where I live. | ||
| I want to live by a lake in the woods. | ||
| I like to be around nature. | ||
| I want to see deer that if shit goes bad, I can shoot those bitches and eat them. | ||
| That exists. | ||
| Why don't you go out to Palm Springs or into... | ||
| That's a desert, man. | ||
| You know what's out there? | ||
| Meth and gay people. | ||
| What about Arrowhead? | ||
| That's good. | ||
| That's a move. | ||
| That's a possibility. | ||
| I know a lot of people have to Arrowhead places, and you can get here quick, too. | ||
| Yeah, two hours. | ||
| I might look at getting maybe a vacation house someday in Arrowhead. | ||
| That would be the shit. | ||
| I just like living in the woods, man. | ||
| I loved living in Boulder. | ||
| I loved the idea that I would see, like, fucking deer every day driving home, that there was eagles flying overhead, that the sky was crystal. | ||
| But those same deers that you see every day is going to jump in front of your car, and you're going to be like, fuck deers. | ||
| Yeah, but you know what? | ||
| Just get a big-ass bumper, and you're good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What about your wife? | ||
| I didn't even drive my car. | ||
| Yeah, that's the problem. | ||
| Mrs. Rogan's not so fucking good at driving in snow. | ||
| Yeah, well, why even move somewhere where there's snow? | ||
| That's why you should go to Texas. | ||
| But also, if you go on the road and you sort of strand her out there in this cabin. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Well, that was part of the issue. | ||
| And then our dog got eaten by a mountain lion. | ||
| That's fucked up. | ||
| The real thing that sent us home, though, was that we were 8,500 feet above sea level and she got pregnant. | ||
| And when you're that high above sea level, if your body's... | ||
| Even if you're living there your whole life, the kid's still going to have to go on oxygen. | ||
| No more kids, Joe? | ||
| It's scary. | ||
| No more kids? | ||
| You stopping off at two? | ||
| No. | ||
| My loads are still fucking devastatingly good. | ||
| I'm ready. | ||
| I'll shoot another one in there. | ||
| It's hard, man. | ||
| Just taking care of two little babies at the same time, you know, one two and a half and one nine months old or seven months old, it's tricky. | ||
| So cute, though. | ||
| It's the greatest thing in the world. | ||
| I always tell people that kids... | ||
| And mushrooms are very similar. | ||
| And then if you've never experienced it, if you've never had your own kid, and if you've never really done mushrooms, shut the fuck up. | ||
| You really don't know. | ||
| I used to talk about kids. | ||
| I didn't understand what it was until you have a kid. | ||
| And the other thing that you understand is that... | ||
| Stop doing that. | ||
| Whatever you're doing. | ||
| Coil. | ||
| The other thing that you realize when you have a kid is that you change and you hit some weird new next level of evolution where there's so much more at stake now. | ||
| You become a more serious person. | ||
| It's really weird. | ||
| I feel like a real man, too. | ||
| I feel like a man, exactly. | ||
| I mean, I'm still very silly. | ||
| I obviously make a living talking shit. | ||
| Sure, sure, sure, sure. | ||
| And I still smoke a lot of weed, which is also a weird thing with a lot of people. | ||
| They think for some reason or another you're not supposed to smoke weed. | ||
| You know, that like smoking weed when you're a father like sets some sort of a weird example or that it's a bad thing. | ||
| But, you know, I'll go, well, how come I can go to a restaurant and order a beer and nobody even blinks? | ||
| You know, that's fine. | ||
| Nobody says a word about that. | ||
| I go and get some wine, you know, with dinner. | ||
| Nobody looks at me. | ||
| They ask me if I want it. | ||
| If I said, no, but you guys got a place where I can hit this joint? | ||
| They'd be like, whoa, what the fuck? | ||
| Your children are here. | ||
| Either way, if you're too big, though, if you get too drunk, say you just get wasted, or some guy's just fucking crushing it and unable to operate. | ||
| If I get too high, I can't function. | ||
| And also, I'm really bad with booze, too. | ||
| Two drinks, I'm fucking tipsy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you serious? | |
| I'm drunk. | ||
| That's good to know in the future. | ||
| You're a lightweight. | ||
| You're a cheap date. | ||
| No, no, I am a lightweight. | ||
| Well, no, I definitely don't... | ||
| I don't think you should be drunk or high around your kids. | ||
| That's not what I'm saying. | ||
| But I'm saying, like, I'm not gonna change, like, who I am. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I don't have to, like, become this fucking straight-edge person just because all of a sudden I have children. | ||
| If I thought there was something wrong with smoking pot, I would have stopped doing it because I think it's bad for you. | ||
| If it was detrimental to my health or to my mental well-being or something, if I thought it was an issue that I needed to deal with, I would deal with it as an issue. | ||
| But I don't think there's an issue. | ||
| I think it's beneficial. | ||
| I think it helps my personality. | ||
| It helps me enjoy life. | ||
| It helps me write like crazy. | ||
| It is like steroids for writing. | ||
| When I get high and I write, I just strap in. | ||
| And ride this wave that I connect to. | ||
| I get high and I go into the isolation tank and I rethink my whole life and I come up with new strategies and new ways of behaving and I have a new appreciation for everything and a new respect and love for my friends and my family. | ||
| I wind up calling people that I haven't talked to in months just getting out of the tank. | ||
| Dude, I just want to tell you, man. | ||
| We don't hang out, but I love you, man. | ||
| We're friends. | ||
| I get these crazy conversations. | ||
| I just want to make sure I say all these things that I need to say. | ||
| It reinvigorates me. | ||
| But also being a dad helps that. | ||
| That does too. | ||
| The combination of the two things, people don't realize that that's there, is that You do feel like taking a step back and not taking things so seriously. | ||
| Even though I still get fired up, I keep everything in perspective pretty well, too. | ||
| I mean, I'm not making too many fucking stupid decisions over here. | ||
| Yeah, you get more in tune with love. | ||
| And that sounds fucking very gay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Super gay. | |
| But it is what it is, man. | ||
| It's like you get more in tune with love. | ||
| And honestly, that's what weed is all about, too. | ||
| Weed is about getting you in tune with love. | ||
| Getting you in tune with happiness. | ||
| Weed is a happy drug. | ||
| It's about... | ||
| Friendships and hugs and having a good time and laughing and giggling together. | ||
| It's not a bad drug. | ||
| It's an entheogen. | ||
| And that's what people have to understand. | ||
| Everything is lumped together in this one big stupid group called drugs. | ||
| And included are caffeine and alcohol and then dangerous shit like heroin and fucking, you know, and meth and all those are drugs. | ||
| But there's also drugs that literally change the way your fucking mind works. | ||
| And in a good way. | ||
| And they're here to make you like more humble, make you feel better. | ||
| And the reason why people have bad trips is because there's a lot of shit about your life that's douchey, man. | ||
| You need to clean that shit up. | ||
| You know, why are you paranoid? | ||
| Why are you freaking out? | ||
| Well, you should be freaking out. | ||
| That's why people do a lot of drugs in college, too, when you're younger and you don't have as much responsibility. | ||
| But, I mean, more and more responsibility you have, and then when you do drugs, you start thinking about all that shit. | ||
| That's why people tend to freak out. | ||
| But if you're just more a carefree person in the first place, and the college is a perfect example, because you really don't have too many responsibilities. | ||
| You can go home by yourself for the first time and not have anybody scrutinize you once you get there. | ||
| And so it's an opportunity, no real bills to fucking pay if somebody's taking care of that. | ||
| So less responsibility and you can't just fucking let go completely. | ||
| But more and more shit that you've got going on, like a daughter. | ||
| And we talked about the porn thing with the daughter. | ||
| You just sort of put, you have more shit built up. | ||
| The thing about porn is, you know, I don't want to say why anybody gets into porn because I don't know. | ||
| I'm not a girl. | ||
| I'm not a girl that's getting fucked on camera. | ||
| I don't understand. | ||
| Maybe you really are a healthy person and it's just fun for you. | ||
| That's possible. | ||
| Dr. Drew says no. | ||
| But then again, I said, I'm not a woman. | ||
| I'm not a doctor. | ||
| I don't really understand it. | ||
| But... | ||
| I think the ones that I've come in contact with, almost all of them had some fucked up childhood. | ||
| Almost all of them. | ||
| I think it's pretty much mandatory. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's no other way to do it, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's like the reason why you got into it in the first place is not a healthy reason. | ||
| So it's just this massive evidence. | ||
| And even if you're the coolest person to hang out with ever, like a lot of them are, you know, a lot of them are really fun to hang out with. | ||
| You're still, you're this way because somebody was shitty to you. | ||
| That's what they were talking about. | ||
| So I always have to think about that. | ||
| Yeah, they were talking about that on that Green Room show with Paul Provenza before the one you were on. | ||
| And they were talking about how everybody's, you know, all comics, dads, you know, or some shit like that. | ||
| Like, yeah, there is some comics. | ||
| Some dad shit. | ||
| Dad shit. | ||
| Always, yeah. | ||
| Well, you don't ever become a comic or anything like that, a singer or any... | ||
| Anything where you're asking for this exorbitant amount of attention, like this really unbalanced amount of attention, to say I want to be a comedian is to say I want to be the one with a light shining on me while everyone else is in the dark with my voice amplified. | ||
| And I want to be above them. | ||
| I wonder if standing above their heads. | ||
| Never think of it like that at all. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| You want to be above the crowd. | ||
| Nobody wants to do a show where everyone is in the balcony staring down on you and you're one level below them. | ||
| You would feel disconnected. | ||
| If you didn't have that floor filled in, you would feel disconnected. | ||
| The whole thing is a really ridiculous request. | ||
| So to want to do that for a living, you have to have some giant deficit you're trying to make up for. | ||
| Some fucking crazy hole in your childhood. | ||
| None of us really think, I don't think I have it that bad. | ||
| You don't have to have it that bad now. | ||
| And I think one of the reasons why is because you're self-healed. | ||
| When you have a family of your own and you have your own children, all of a sudden that shit goes away. | ||
| And you don't need your daddy anymore, man. | ||
| I don't need my dad to get hit in the head by a fucking meteor. | ||
| Not my stepdad who raised me, but my real dad who I don't even know. | ||
| I wouldn't give a fuck. | ||
| I don't need a dad. | ||
| I'm a dad myself. | ||
| Thanks, take care. | ||
| I got it. | ||
| Sorry you got hit in the head by a meteor. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| But when I was seven, it was devastating. | ||
| When I was seven, that guy, the fact that my dad wasn't in my life anymore was just like, whoa, it was just crushing. | ||
| And so that, whatever sets you off when you're seven, or whatever it is, what age it is, you have this dad issue, that's what gives you this incredible energy and desire to pursue this stand-up comedy thing. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| And your motivation has to go from, I want all this attention to, I want to produce all this art and make people happy. | ||
| I want to produce all this shit that people love. | ||
| I want people to come see Al Madrigal in concert, and I'm going to give them a fucking rocking show where they get all excited and can't wait to see me again. | ||
| I think about what my kids, I can't help but think about this. | ||
| I think about my kids looking at my stand-up when they're 18 years old and looking back and seeing what I did for them. | ||
| Are you still smoking cigarettes? | ||
| No, I'm done. | ||
| You're done? | ||
| Yeah, completely. | ||
| I quit almost, I feel like a year ago, right around now. | ||
| How many times a day do you think about it? | ||
| I don't anymore. | ||
| This motherfucker, he quits and his cat hurts her foot. | ||
| The cat hurt her foot. | ||
| So he... | ||
| Was it her? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Cat hurt her foot. | ||
| She jumped off the refrigerator and hurt her foot. | ||
| So he got so stressed out he started smoking cigarettes again. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, it's always something for me. | ||
| I mean, if it's a relationship problem or if my cat gets hurt problem, it's all excuses. | ||
| I mean, cigarettes, I know you say that you're over and stuff like that, but most people, even if it's been a year, I still thought about it at least once a week. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Wow. | ||
| One of those non-smoking commercials. | ||
| And it was a great one. | ||
| It said, it was there for you then. | ||
| You did it after you smoked in the morning. | ||
| You smoked at night. | ||
| You smoked after lunch. | ||
| You smoked when your daughter was born. | ||
| You smoked here. | ||
| You smoked there. | ||
| Because you did it. | ||
| You tried. | ||
| And you're done. | ||
| Like that. | ||
| And you gave it a shot. | ||
| Like, I smoked. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| I really did smoke, and I'm just done with it. | ||
| I think if I have kids, that's going to be a real big pushy thing. | ||
| But when you're hanging out at a comedy club, drinking, and every single person's smoking, it is almost impossible to fucking quit smoking unless you have a kid at home that you're like, okay, I'm doing anything for this fucking kid. | ||
| Especially when you get a couple of drinks and you're like, fuck it. | ||
| But everybody else is smoking and you're sitting around. | ||
| It's also an easy way to step away from a situation. | ||
| If I'm at a party, one of the best things about smoking for me is that you're in a party, And I get to walk outside and just sort of collect my thoughts and be by myself. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then maybe he's out there and there's another cool smoker guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| I go, what's up, what's up? | ||
| You see that chick in there? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So you have a tiny meeting away from the fucking event. | ||
| I used to see that back in Boston when they had to do it and it was fucking zero degrees outside. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Zero degrees. | |
| And these poor junkies were standing outside. | ||
| These fucking queer laws smoking. | ||
| We fucking can't even smoke inside anymore. | ||
| What's next? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So you just go, it's the ability to step away from shit that I really did miss. | ||
| That's what I miss the most. | ||
| Little tiny meeting. | ||
| Little tiny meetings. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| So you're in a little tiny club. | ||
| That's kind of an interesting way of looking at it. | ||
| And a club where you meet with the regular people at the regular time. | ||
| So you see Tebow, who I'm sure you've had cigarettes with. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| Have you had cigarettes with Jason Tebow? | ||
| Oh yeah, all the time. | ||
| All the time. | ||
| He's one of my favorite cigarette smoker guys. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| So he has his regular cigarette guys that he sees, and he knows if he sees Court McCown, he can get a cigarette off him. | ||
| He knows if he sees this guy, Renizzisi, used to smoke, and he just quit. | ||
| So if you see Steve Renizzisi, you can smoke, and he's got cigarettes. | ||
| Isn't that a part of it, too, that you support each other? | ||
| Oh, no problem. | ||
| Can I bomb a cigarette? | ||
| You always give the guy a cigarette, because you know that if you see him and you don't have a cigarette, he's got a cigarette, and you're good. | ||
| It's a trading, a lot of bartering. | ||
| People do that at bars, too, that don't even know people. | ||
| You've got a spare? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They'll ask you for a fucking free cigarette. | ||
| That's like saying, can I have a dollar? | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I was a take-two guy because I knew he'd need one for later. | ||
| I could take one for later. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Generous motherfucker. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There you go. | |
| You do that a lot? | ||
| I did that to Daryl last night. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know what? | ||
| You like a guy a lot? | ||
| You see it, Tebow? | ||
| I got Tebow. | ||
| Here, you know what, Tebow? | ||
| I have another one. | ||
| I could fucking bust out three. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Yeah, no, just put one behind the ear. | ||
| Did you ever go the natural cigarettes route where you try to get those American spirits? | ||
| I smoked a Parliament Light hard pack and I smoked a Marble Light hard pack and that was it. | ||
| And what happened, Brian? | ||
| Those natural lights are not the way to go? | ||
| They supposedly are better for you because they have only tobacco in it and no pesticides and none of the whatever 102 chemicals, but... | ||
| They're taking a drag of a twig. | ||
| Yeah, it's so hard and rough that I actually felt like more shit the next day waking up on that shit. | ||
| It takes 15 minutes to smoke on a regular cigarette, about 7 minutes. | ||
| Not even 7 minutes. | ||
| Half of it is just explosive chemicals you're sucking in. | ||
| You know there's 599 FDA approved chemical additives that are in cigarettes? | ||
| Joe was always on me not to smoke. | ||
| Well, you have children, man. | ||
| I know, I know, I know. | ||
| You were on that. | ||
| And then also, before I had children... | ||
| You hear that sound? | ||
| Well, before you had children to the volcano, I'm not doing anything. | ||
| That's the volcano. | ||
| It's come alive. | ||
| It's got a request. | ||
| It's request is to fuck you up. | ||
| We're talking about smoking. | ||
| And there's a, you know, a lot of people say, well, marijuana, you know, you're smoking that. | ||
| That shit's bad for you. | ||
| That's not good. | ||
| Well, there's a thing called the vaporizer, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| And what it is, is it looks like a UFO. Jiffy Pop. | ||
| Yeah, it looks like it's making Jiffy Pop. | ||
| But what it's really doing is taking my ground-up plant material and vaporizing it so that there's no smoke, but instead it's a mist, and it's a THC mist. | ||
| And what it does is it fills this bag up with this THC mist. | ||
| Oh, it's filling up now. | ||
| It's looking good. | ||
| How long have you had that? | ||
| I'm liking it. | ||
| I've had it for a while, man. | ||
| I think I got it a few years ago. | ||
| Because your bag leaks a little bit. | ||
| A little bit. | ||
| What are you going to do? | ||
| That's a good gift idea. | ||
| Yeah, get Joe a new bag. | ||
| That really is a good gift idea for Joe Rogan. | ||
| I need a new bag. | ||
| Does it turn off by itself? | ||
| No, you just wait. | ||
| Is it going to pop? | ||
| Look at it. | ||
| No, not ready. | ||
| It's not ready yet. | ||
| It's looking good, though. | ||
| This is scary. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't be a bitch, Ryan. | |
| Like walking around with balloons and not hitting the ceiling. | ||
| It's vapor, bro. | ||
| It's THC vapor. | ||
| And the thing is, it looks like nothing. | ||
| Like when you breathe it in and breathe it out, sometimes you don't even think you've got anything. | ||
| You went with a clear bag, but all bags are pretty much clear so you can see the mist in the inside. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Well, this is just the same bag that I've had for years. | ||
| I'm probably supposed to be replacing that. | ||
| No, that's why, ladies, I mean, yeah, it is a good gift idea if you're thinking about gifting. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Those volcanoes are fucking expensive. | ||
| Oh, I think? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I think they're like $600 or something like that. | |
| Is it really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was thinking about getting one and then I was like... | ||
| So then, this is what you get out of it. | ||
| This strange thing. | ||
| And inside this strange thing is... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's some fucking... | |
| Jesus, you're going crazy. | ||
| And that just sticks around for a while. | ||
| You can use that later. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Bam, son. | ||
| Pure THC. You don't have to worry about smoke. | ||
| You don't have to worry about shit being bad for you. | ||
| How magical. | ||
| Are you still going on the road? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Who do you go with? | ||
| You go with Ari? | ||
| Yeah, Ari comes all the time. | ||
| Joey, when you can count on him. | ||
| You never know with Joey Diaz because he might pull a Joey Diaz. | ||
| And just no show? | ||
| What's that? | ||
| And just no show? | ||
| I actually started taking two people on the road with me for the very reason that I never knew if Joey Diaz was going to show up. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| So Joey Diaz is the reason... | ||
| What was that? | ||
| Did you hear the... | ||
| Did you hear feedback? | ||
| No. | ||
| Did you hear us? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Was that just you rustling? | ||
| Maybe you just kicked something when you sat down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe. | |
| Anyway, I used to take Joey Diaz on the road all the time until we worked in Rascals. | ||
| We worked in Rascals in New Jersey and Joey just didn't show up. | ||
| He just never flew to New Jersey. | ||
| And he didn't answer his phone. | ||
| He had a pager back then. | ||
| It was impossible to get in touch with him. | ||
| And then finally we got in touch with him the next day. | ||
| And he's like, I'm coming tonight. | ||
| Don't worry about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll be there. | |
| Don't worry about it. | ||
| I'm there. | ||
| Don't worry. | ||
| I missed my flight. | ||
| I fucked up. | ||
| I got stuck in Vegas. | ||
| So it's maybe an hour before the show. | ||
| And we finally get a hold of Joey Diaz. | ||
| And he's still back in L.A. or Vegas. | ||
| I forget where he was. | ||
| Like, I ain't got a lot of your dogs. | ||
| I never got on the plane. | ||
| He just, whatever reason, he just decided to go off into his own Joey Diaz world. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| And he's done that so many times. | ||
| He did that in Phoenix. | ||
| He just fucking vanishes. | ||
| I'm telling you that story of him at the Marilyn Martinez. | ||
| Maybe there's somebody who talked about that, but it was just really one of the best things I've ever witnessed. | ||
| Him just telling somebody off at a memorial. | ||
| Those fucking memorials, they bum me out, man. | ||
| I went to Mitch. | ||
| I don't go to anybody's. | ||
| I don't like funerals either. | ||
| I don't like the idea behind it. | ||
| If I want to celebrate somebody, I want to celebrate it on my own. | ||
| Think about their life and my personal relationship with them. | ||
| I mean, it's cool with you if you want to meet up with everybody and talk about how great the guy was and celebrate him. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| I totally understand it. | ||
| But to me, it's just like, man, it's such a personal thing when someone dies. | ||
| When the public official died in Tucson, I mean, you saw all the people, and Obama spoke. | ||
| That was a lot of people. | ||
| How many people were at that event, do you know? | ||
| That was a shitload of people at University of Arizona, probably in the basketball stadium. | ||
| Easily about 8,000 people. | ||
| That's weird, right? | ||
| Well, you know, in that case, though, it's like those people need healing. | ||
| Those people are devastated. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, absolutely, yeah. | |
| When something happened, like that little girl got shot, that thing is so devastating. | ||
| And apparently cops have been called to this guy's house, the guy who did that shooting in Arizona. | ||
| Well, they pulled him over on the way there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| Did they really? | ||
| He got arrested for, yeah, he had some sort of violation. | ||
| He got pulled over. | ||
| Oh my God, they didn't check that he's got guns? | ||
| Guns in a bag. | ||
| Jesus fucking... | ||
| When anyone goes to load up, and he went to Walmart and bought a shitload of bullets, too, I think there's just gotta be some check. | ||
| Like, don't you think so? | ||
| Like, somebody just, let's take a picture and send it. | ||
| I'm sure all that's being done. | ||
| I don't even know what it is. | ||
| I feel bad for the cop that pulled him over, who has to think that, you know... | ||
| Had he done a little bit more of an investigation? | ||
| Yeah, I just looked into this. | ||
| He probably had some inkling, but he's probably, you know, whatever. | ||
| Leave the guy alone. | ||
| Are there people talking about that? | ||
| Are there people talking about the fact that he was stopped? | ||
| I never heard it. | ||
| I didn't hear it until you just brought it up. | ||
| That's crazy, though. | ||
| The photos of that kid, the mugshot photos. | ||
| Looks just as bananas as anybody could look. | ||
| Yeah, it can't look any crazier. | ||
| But that's me again with the payphone shit. | ||
| It's like, I would, yeah. | ||
| Inspect them. | ||
| Well, then the other thought is that if you look at the whole machine of life, if you look at all these different things in life, the good and the bad, there's a lot of people that believe, and this is sort of a staple in Eastern religion, is that almost you sort of have to have negative in your life to recognize the positive. | ||
| And the yin and yang, the reason why it exists is because that's the only way anything ever gets done. | ||
| And even events like 9-11, they're terrible events, but In some ways, they bring people together. | ||
| Like, New York, after 9-11, after that, was like the friendliest fucking place in the world for the longest time. | ||
| Senators holding hands on top of the... | ||
| It was just different, man. | ||
| People were... | ||
| Everyone was devastated. | ||
| People were shell-shocked. | ||
| They were horrified. | ||
| But there was this weird feeling and air of a group of people that are all cool. | ||
| Motherfucker, I'm weak. | ||
| Now I feel better about my text earlier. | ||
| Somebody just called me once. | ||
| I swear to God I unplugged that fucking thing. | ||
| Anyway, there was a sense of community there that didn't exist. | ||
| And just phased away. | ||
| Phased away and back to douchiness. | ||
| But for the longest time, man, everyone was so fucking cool there. | ||
| So positive. | ||
| We went there. | ||
| We filmed a Fear Factor. | ||
| I think it was right after September 11th. | ||
| It wasn't far afterward. | ||
| Like maybe a year or two after. | ||
| And everybody was... | ||
| And it was back when firemen were fucking heroes and firemen were just getting pussy thrown at them everywhere. | ||
| Women wanted to go fuck firemen. | ||
| They wanted to go fuck heroes. | ||
| You know? | ||
| It's weird how that changed, but for that long time. | ||
| So it's almost like a negative thing can oftentimes inspire this positive reaction in the opposite way. | ||
| And there's a lot of people that think that all these things are in place and all these fucked up people are in place and fucked up situations to get us to appreciate the situations that aren't. | ||
| You know, to get us to really, you know, to really try to be better and help us evolve so that we can get past these unfortunate but unavoidable situations. | ||
| I've heard that been said. | ||
| Yeah, we need homeless people. | ||
| Without homeless people, I mean, you need sort of somebody on the bottom. | ||
| I don't know if that's true. | ||
| I don't necessarily agree with that. | ||
| But it's also like, you know, to watch something really terrible like that sort of like motivates you to not let that happen to you. | ||
| People can accept a lot of shit. | ||
| A lot of things can happen to you and you just sort of accept your situation and it gets worse. | ||
| You sort of accept that. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, exactly. | ||
| Hoarders are a perfect example. | ||
| And because of that, all of a sudden you find yourself at many levels of accepting this bullshit in a place where you never would have just accepted it straight up right off the bat. | ||
| You just kind of let it happen like that. | ||
| Just builds and builds and builds and builds and your credit gets out of control and all of a sudden you're evicted and you just fucking don't handle your shit. | ||
| And yeah, you do look at that to get motivated because this is the bottom. | ||
| I've seen the bottom and I don't want to be near the fucking bottom. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| It's like, I do not want that. | ||
| When I watch a hoarder, me and my wife actually watched one the other night, and this show is difficult to watch. | ||
| Because you're right that they do gradually accept that they have to shit on top of fucking Capri Sun boxes or something in their way and shit. | ||
| And it just stacks up around them, and they're just shifting. | ||
| And then we just started living in one room. | ||
| They say that all the time. | ||
| Also, I think we all recognize... | ||
| Yeah, we all recognize that our own brains are just as vulnerable as these people's brains. | ||
| Oh, sure. | ||
| A lot of people choose to fight a little bit harder. | ||
| They can just keep their shit clean, and it takes work. | ||
| Everything takes work. | ||
| Life's maintenance needs to be fucking done. | ||
| You can't let shit get out of control. | ||
| But we've all gone into this weird spiral. | ||
| I think anybody that I've ever met, especially anybody that's ever been in a tumultuous relationship... | ||
| You go into this weird spiral where you don't feel like you have that much control over your thoughts and actions. | ||
| When guys get in a devastating relationship, you get your heart broken, you can't sleep, you can't think, especially when that happens young in your life and you don't really have it mastered yet, you don't really understand who the fuck you are, that shit can send you on some kind of crazy spiral. | ||
| And if you go through all that and you've got some sort of a history of mental illness in your family, next thing you know, done. | ||
| You're cracked. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, you don't want to ever accept that it could happen to you, but you look at someone who's really devastated by any sort of a fucking obsession like that. | ||
| Gambling obsessions? | ||
| Do you know gambling people? | ||
| Dude, my in-laws live in dirty Vegas, so out near the Air Force Base, out where there's all of those poker places, and it's just a pawn shop, poker place. | ||
| Just shut down fast food, fast food, pawn shop, poker, poker, poker. | ||
| And you go into one of those places, like a Terribles Casino and shit like that. | ||
| And there's all those car washes. | ||
| And you go into like a PJ's poker place and you just see these just guys. | ||
| You think like an Indian casino is bad. | ||
| There's a regular casino, really nice. | ||
| Then there's a lower level downtown casinos. | ||
| Then there's like an Indian casino that's out in the middle of fucking nowhere. | ||
| And it's like, why would you go there? | ||
| And they say it's like, oh, it's a Morongo Casino. | ||
| It's where real nightlife is. | ||
| And you go in and it's just like a weird grouping of Chinese people. | ||
| Dude, you're not going to get booked in Morongo if you say anything wrong. | ||
| Be cool right here. | ||
| There's a lot of money in Morongo. | ||
| Come to Morongo. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's so many hot chicks and I love going to Morongo, man. | ||
| They have these commercials that come on. | ||
| It's like the nightclubs and shit like that. | ||
| It ends up being old Chinese ladies in like mystical wolf t-shirts fucking just walking around. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like... | |
| With those walkers with the tennis balls in the bottom of the feet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, exactly. | |
| It's disgusting. | ||
| It's depressing shit. | ||
| That gambling addiction is a strange one, man. | ||
| Anybody that smiles... | ||
| There's homeless people in my neighborhood that bought a car. | ||
| What? | ||
| I watched them be homeless. | ||
| I knew they were going around collecting cans. | ||
| And just one day... | ||
| You know how you got your eye on the same homeless people all the time? | ||
| You're seeing them around for a regular basis. | ||
| These two... | ||
| It's like a couple. | ||
| Frumpy looking weird white lady and this tall black guy who wears a top hat sometimes. | ||
| They start driving around in a green minivan. | ||
| Fucked up green minivan. | ||
| But they got there and saved up enough cans like Marlboro Miles to buy this other car. | ||
| And they're sleeping in this van now? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I bet. | |
| Yeah, they're cheating in my neighborhood because they have a place where you can turn recyclables into money, and then every night I see them just fucking going through everyone's recycle bins and just taking out all the shit from the recycle bins and then selling it down the street. | ||
| Yeah, that's what they do. | ||
| That's cheating. | ||
| Is that cheating? | ||
| No, that's like Starwood points for homeless people. | ||
| Well, I think that makes sense because one way you're not going to make any money. | ||
| If you just put your recyclables on the street, you're not going to make any money. | ||
| And for them, it's like free money. | ||
| I don't think it's cheating at all. | ||
| Yeah, get out of my fucking trash. | ||
| I don't want you in my trash. | ||
| Somebody was telling me they were in a... | ||
| Well, as long as they do a good job. | ||
| A downtown... | ||
| They don't make a mess. | ||
| Stealing your identity. | ||
| They were in a downtown LA, like shopping mall or something like that, and they saw... | ||
| Or an office complex, and they saw one of these fountains where people throw money in the fountain. | ||
| And they were just standing there going, oh my God, what a beautiful fountain. | ||
| And then this Latino family came in, just rolled up all their sleeves and went in the fountain and just started taking all the money out of the fountain. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| And just saying, because it's free money, we're throwing money in water. | ||
| Yeah, what do you say to that? | ||
| How do you stop that? | ||
| I have zero money, and there's money just right there. | ||
| Yeah, you gotta take it. | ||
| It's like a foot of water. | ||
| Right, and it's like, it's a weird thing. | ||
| Like, is it illegal to take the money? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is it? | |
| I think so. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is it? | |
| It shouldn't be. | ||
| Well, I think a lot of these fountains usually have a charity booked around behind it. | ||
| Like, the mall gives it to a charity or something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| So I think once it's that, it's considered giving to a charity. | ||
| And it's stealing. | ||
| But there's no charity sign. | ||
| Take that money. | ||
| You need the money. | ||
| Maybe they started doing it to a charity just because people were doing it. | ||
| It's like the Mexican soccer sign. | ||
| Yeah, it is ridiculous. | ||
| That's how fucking rich this country is. | ||
| People can throw money in a fountain. | ||
| Enough money for food. | ||
| There's enough money in that fountain for you definitely need to get something to eat. | ||
| You know, it's always quarters and nickels and pennies. | ||
| There's a comic that, uh, a Conan writer that actually does that as a bit, I'm sorry, I forget his name, but he goes, imagine coming from another country, like, where they have no water, where you have to go to a well, you know, really just out in the middle of nowhere, and there's the one water hole, and there's a fucking tiger there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then you come to this country, and you go into, like, a place, like, um, to City Center, City Walk, City Walk, Universal City Walk. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And there's fucking water shooting up out of the ground, and kids are fucking frolicking, and then we're Taking our extra money and throwing it in the fucking fountain. | ||
| Just like, here's our money and our water. | ||
| It's crazy, right? | ||
| It really is fucking crazy. | ||
| It really is. | ||
| Well, we don't realize how rich this country is until you watch. | ||
| You even talk to some of the people that are in certain European countries where there's no resources and nothing to do. | ||
| There's a real issue in Italy right now with young people where there's no fucking jobs. | ||
| There's really nothing they can do. | ||
| People are graduating and there's like... | ||
| There's nothing. | ||
| There's nothing out there. | ||
| Mom's already manning the cafe or whatever it is. | ||
| You have to go out and find an actual job. | ||
| You have to leave the country. | ||
| You have to get on a fucking boat or something. | ||
| You've got to go find your shit somewhere else. | ||
| You're stuck. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I think a lot of the smarter people said, there's free land over in that other place. | ||
| Those people were nuts, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's go. | |
| The idea behind that, we've talked about it before, but how crazy you have to be to be living in Europe and say, you know what? | ||
| Fuck this. | ||
| We're going to get in a boat and we're going to go across the ocean. | ||
| It's going to take a long time. | ||
| A lot of us are going to die. | ||
| Yeah, a lot of us are going to die. | ||
| And we're going to get some new diseases when we get there. | ||
| But dying is better than that shit. | ||
| They weighed that out. | ||
| They must have. | ||
| There must have been... | ||
| Or they're just running from the law. | ||
| We're a nation built by criminals running from European law. | ||
| I wonder how many people were supposed to be one thing when they were in Europe. | ||
| They came over here, Bob Smith, that's my name. | ||
| You know, just new identity. | ||
| New identity, new everything. | ||
| Clean slate. | ||
| That's how to be allowed. | ||
| Just wipe out a complete record of yourself. | ||
| Don Draper, the whole thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A lot of them, right? | ||
| Can't do that shit anymore, folks. | ||
| No. | ||
| That's going out of the way soon. | ||
| Soon, you're going to be chipped. | ||
| You cunts! | ||
| So where are you at this weekend now? | ||
| You're going to be chipped. | ||
| I am actually doing the John Oliver Comedy Central show in New York on Saturday night. | ||
| That's exciting. | ||
| Cool. | ||
| And then I'm going to be in Austin, Texas at the Cap City Comedy Club. | ||
| Oh, my favorite club. | ||
| And I'm going to be at the Ontario Improv. | ||
| I've got those three coming up. | ||
| So it goes... | ||
| Can I come with you to Austin so I can steal some bitches? | ||
| Oh, you need chicks in Austin? | ||
| Steal some bitches? | ||
| How confident are you? | ||
| Steal some bitches. | ||
| Brian's like, all I have to do is go to Austin, and I'll just... | ||
| You know, start a fucking harem and shit. | ||
| I love them. | ||
| That's all I gotta do. | ||
| Just go there. | ||
| Like rescuing women from Austin. | ||
| Dude, Austin is the shit. | ||
| Why would it be rescuing? | ||
| Yeah, you're not a big guy. | ||
| Because they don't want to get beat up anymore. | ||
| They're gonna get in Twitter fights with your ex-girlfriend? | ||
| Twitter war. | ||
| How many people are having public spats on Twitter? | ||
| It's so funny. | ||
| Yeah, relationships are broken up on Twitter. | ||
| Are they? | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| People are arguing with each other. | ||
| See, that's another thing. | ||
| I miss texting in my relationship, so I don't even know. | ||
| It's like, where are you at? | ||
| Where are you at? | ||
| I have no idea what that's about. | ||
| There's a few people that I follow just because I know that they're in a famous couple and that they'll get in spats. | ||
| And when they get in spats, they'll leave little vague shit. | ||
| There comes a point when you know that you cannot count on anyone. | ||
| Who are those people? | ||
| I can't tell you online. | ||
| I'll tell you when we're off air. | ||
| But I follow them just because I want to hear them. | ||
| And then once that point has been reached, it's over. | ||
| Yeah, so there's an echo in here. | ||
| I keep on hearing phones ring. | ||
| There's no more phones ring, buddy. | ||
| It's my medicine. | ||
| It's your medicine. | ||
| Fox's fucking show's over, right? | ||
| Should have been over a while ago. | ||
| We gotta get new seats. | ||
| When we do these two hours and 45 minute shows, I feel like... | ||
| How is that phase? | ||
| Perhaps you need to work on your core, motherfucker. | ||
| These are the most uncomfortable couches. | ||
| I'm in the gym, I feel pretty good. | ||
| I'm right. | ||
| He's right, rather. | ||
| When I got these... | ||
| Yeah, there's no back support. | ||
| I'm gonna get us office chairs. | ||
| That's the next point. | ||
| That was really nice ones. | ||
| That way we can move around more, too. | ||
| We're not married to this one spot and we can face each other better. | ||
| Listen, folks, this shit is ever evolving. | ||
| I'm working on some sort of a TV. To look at the Ustream, it really does look like a professional environment, though, with the mic in front of your face. | ||
| And it looks like, you know, I mean, it is a very professional setup, but I'm saying fucking raise this shit. | ||
| Yeah, we'll figure it out. | ||
| When we first started doing it, man, we just had a laptop and we had snow in the background and shit. | ||
| Those are terrible ones. | ||
| If you're going to download a podcast, those first ten of them, I can't believe anybody was still listening. | ||
| We just would get baked and just start rambling and nobody was paying attention so we didn't even think it was a big deal. | ||
| But now there's like hundreds of thousands of downloads every week. | ||
| You want to deliver a quality project. | ||
| I feel like I have to. | ||
| I have to make the conversations interesting. | ||
| I have to bring on people like Al Madrigal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How'd we do? | |
| That was a good show. | ||
| I had a fun time. | ||
| You're great always, bro. | ||
| You're an awesome dude. | ||
| I'm glad we've been friends for all these years. | ||
| I'm glad I knew you back in your salad days. | ||
| I have an album that I just put out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is it? | |
| What's it called? | ||
| It's called Cholos on a Moped. | ||
| Cholos on a moped. | ||
| Is it iTunes available? | ||
| No, it's just on my website. | ||
| Do they have to download it? | ||
| No, they have to download it, and I just put in sort of a pay-whatever-you-want. | ||
| It bottoms out of $7.99, because I think that's nothing. | ||
| But if people want to pay $10 or more, they can. | ||
| Oh, that's kind of cool. | ||
| I like that. | ||
| I've seen people do that with PayPal links. | ||
| They say, if you want to donate, here's what it is. | ||
| There's something to that. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| I'd rather people have it than I make a certain dollar amount. | ||
| Before we go, I want to ask you about this. | ||
| How do you feel about online piracy? | ||
| What are your thoughts on that? | ||
| Online, actually ripping a movie and then distributing it to other people? | ||
| Let's just go specifically with your stuff. | ||
| Oh, if somebody puts my stuff out on LimeWire, if it takes my shit. | ||
| See, I'm at the stage in my career where I would like people to have the stuff more than I'd like to make one. | ||
| I'll write new shit. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I'm going to continue producing. | ||
| I mean, I'm just starting to right now with this, like, a couple of bits that I have that the Laugh Factory put up on YouTube. | ||
| Like, the shit that I really fucking enjoy doing. | ||
| So I just want to keep producing shit like that at a high quality. | ||
| But at some point where there's real big money to be made, I'm sure I'll fucking want to sell this stuff legitimately. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I know what you're saying. | ||
| For the most part, I just want to get it out. | ||
| I'd give it to somebody. | ||
| If somebody, kid, comes up to me after my shows, I always say, pay what you want. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| As long as you don't throw fucking $2 at me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at you, dude. | |
| You're like a hippie. | ||
| You're a hippie socialist. | ||
| Well, I mean, for the most, I say, pay what you can afford. | ||
| What's the cheapest people give you? | ||
| I'll take five bucks because I cost three to make. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And so, and then if somebody, but for the most part, people give me $20. | ||
| That's kind of cool. | ||
| What is the most someone's ever given you? | ||
| I had people in Tempe at the Tempe Improv jumping up and down. | ||
| It was one of the last CDs, but $40, $60, I think. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nice. | |
| But it was like they were running out. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| What are you doing, Brian? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| I'm just playing music. | ||
| Ending music. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Sounds like a Chinese restaurant, bro. | ||
| Yeah, it's Cam Trails by Beck. | ||
| Sounds like the waiting area for a Chinese restaurant. | ||
| Can it be louder a little bit? | ||
| There you go. | ||
| February 4th, Mandalay Bay Theater. | ||
| I am there with Ari Shafir and Joey Coco Diaz, hopefully. | ||
| I know Ari will show up with Joey. | ||
| Twitter that fool. | ||
| Talk to him. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's mad flavor. | ||
| But tickets are selling very fast. | ||
| It's going to be a fucking crazy show. | ||
| It's a big place. | ||
| It's like 2,000 seats. | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| 1,800 seats. | ||
| It's a new theater in Mandalay Bay. | ||
| And that'll be the night before the UFC. There's a link on JoeRogan.net. | ||
| You can go there. | ||
| There's a link on my Facebook, which is JoeRogan, D-O-T-N-E-T. And Al Madrigal, you can reach him at Al Madrigal at Twitter. | ||
| A-L-M-A-D-R-I-G-A-L. In the house, bitches. | ||
| AlMadrigal.com. | ||
| AlMadrigal.com. | ||
| Dude, thank you very much. | ||
| Thank you for everything. | ||
| Thank you for being a cool dude. | ||
| Thank you for being a great stand-up comedian. | ||
| And thank you for being the same guy that I met when we got high and watched Oprah. | ||
| Exactly the same. | ||
| From 11 years ago. | ||
| Yeah, it's pretty much not too much has changed. | ||
| Well, you know, you're more of a dad and a man now and all that good stuff. | ||
| Oh, sure, but... | ||
| But you're the same dude. | ||
| Same guy. | ||
| Yeah, you're the same dude. | ||
| That doesn't always happen that way. | ||
| I know, and then you were telling me about Ray Romano. | ||
| That's exactly... | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| He's the same exact guy. | ||
| He's always been a great guy. | ||
| So that's good to hear. | ||
| Yeah, you can keep it together. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| You're going to keep it together. | ||
| I predict. | ||
| No, there's no use to be all affected. | ||
| You're the same thing. | ||
| You could have the right to be some affected fucking guy with people around you. | ||
| It's a mess. | ||
| That fucks you up more than... | ||
| The ego boost is a fake one. | ||
| If you're a smart person, you don't accept it, and so you don't get a good feeling out of it anyway, because you know it's ridiculous. | ||
| It's all ridiculous, bitches. | ||
| We are in an atomic soup that no one understands, and it's been going back and forth, on and over, from the Big Bang to the end of creation forever. | ||
| And it's an endless cycle. | ||
| And we'll see you next week. | ||
| And Fleshlight. | ||
| Call at you, boy. | ||
| Yeah, Fleshlight.com. | ||
| Go there and just buy a bunch of them. | ||
| Just jerk off into them and shoot your loads all over the house. | ||
| They're special. | ||
| They're good. | ||
| They feel better than beating off. | ||
| You will have long, ball-draining orgasms. | ||
| I highly recommend... | ||
| Highly recommend it. | ||
| Also, Miami Improv. | ||
| Fuck, I don't even know who's going down with me. | ||
| 28, 29, and 30. No, not Miami Improv. | ||
| I keep saying that. | ||
| I said that twice. | ||
| West Palm Beach Improv. | ||
| You know why I say it? | ||
| Because it's a half an hour from Miami and I'll never work the Miami Improv ever again. | ||
| So I'm just terrified because it's right there. | ||
| It's a half an hour away. | ||
| It's the only place where I was on stage in the middle of a show, and people were so dumb. | ||
| Like, I had some joke where I brought up the word Oscar De La Hoya, like, brought up his name. | ||
| And so, all of a sudden, this fucking war broke out in the crowd. | ||
| No, fuck you, man! | ||
| Sugar Shane Mosley! | ||
| Fuck Mosley! | ||
| And they started going back and forth and yelling out at the top like it's a cafeteria. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Like, who's the most badass boxer? | ||
| And it went on for like 30 seconds. | ||
| So these guys were yelling back, standing up, doing these things with their hands, yelling at them. | ||
| And I just had fun. | ||
| I said, I'm never coming here again. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| I was there and a woman's hair caught on fire and she vomited. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| In what order? | ||
| What's that? | ||
| Hair first, vomit second. | ||
| And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the end of the show. | ||
| So, West Palm Beach Improv 28, 29, and 30th. | ||
| You know all that Twitter details. | ||
| I have a lot of Twitter followers as a result of this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you? | |
| Powerful. | ||
| Add me, Redband. | ||
| I did, I did. | ||
| He's talking to all the people out there in the world. | ||
| I need to get past Taylor fucking Vixen. | ||
| Shh, Brian. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can say that name. | |
| If you say it three times, she'll show up. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| Candyman, Candyman. | ||
| Oh, no, you didn't. | ||
| And on that note, folks, we'll see you next week. | ||
| Ari Shafir will be joining us on Tuesday, and we'll see if we can get Brian Posehn or someone on Thursday. | ||
| And that's it. | ||
| Holla at your boy. | ||
| See ya. | ||
| Love you, bitches. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You could've told me to run a lap around the world. | |
| All that time I was hypnotized while you were behind my back. | ||
| Now my mind keeps me up all night. | ||
| Why'd you have to save my life like that? |
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