Dec. 1, 2010 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:10:05
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
|
unidentified
|
Let's go. | |
| Uh. | ||
| I go on and on and on and We'll take them to the crib unless they're boning Easy, call them on the phone and Clap them Chanel Cologne and My face, dress me Back in my mind, I hope she swallows. | ||
| My man just took a drink, all my cream wallows. | ||
| Reached the gate, something just ate. | ||
| Riffin', she got the meat to work my thing. | ||
| This was me, she keep tryin' to wake. | ||
| Conversate, sex on the first date. | ||
| I stick, you know what you do to me. | ||
| She starts well, but I don't usually. | ||
| Then I whipped it out, rubber no doubt Step out, show me what you all about Pickles in your mouth, open up your brown Before your teeth bring them south Blew that blackout, in the parking lot Bop it out, in the parking lot Biotherapy and a green drop. | ||
| And I don't stop until I put jeans skirt But make it all work Now, now, we get to the kickback out How good was Biggie? | ||
| Man. | ||
| The best. | ||
| The best ever. | ||
| Hip-hop died with him. | ||
| It was in the hospital with Tupac, and then it went dead with Biggie's death, and then it became hip-hop, and then everybody was going out for dollars, and they made a lot. | ||
| They made a lot of shitty music, except for Eminem and Jay-Z and maybe Nas. | ||
| Ralphie Mae dropping rap knowledge. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| Ralphie Mae's in the house, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| This is our guest. | ||
| He's very disgruntled at the world of rap music, and I know it's your concern as well. | ||
| This show and all shows are sponsored by The Fleshlight. | ||
| Ralphie. | ||
| Have you ever felt a flashlight, sir? | ||
| No. | ||
| No one has fucked this? | ||
| But a lot of people have fingered it. | ||
| It's patented rubber, too. | ||
| This flashlight is not a virgin, but it's like a slutty junior high school girl. | ||
| It's been fingered a lot. | ||
| Isn't it amazing? | ||
| Feels great, right? | ||
| Pretty creepy. | ||
| Dude, it's way better than just regular jerking off. | ||
| And the best thing is if you have somebody else hold it and fuck you, it's even more detached from your own body, so it feels like you are actually having sex. | ||
| Have you done that, Joe? | ||
| Have you had somebody else hold the fleshlight for you and fuck you with the fleshlight? | ||
| No, when someone else is there, I'm going to fuck them. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| Unless it's a boy, why is he holding it? | ||
| Well, it's like the handjob. | ||
| It's the newest handjob. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean, if a girl's going to give you a handjob nowadays, hey, give me a handjob with a fleshlight instead. | |
| It's way better than a regular handjob. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is it? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, dude, try it. | ||
| Have... | ||
| A girl's hand is always going to feel better. | ||
| It's a human person touching you. | ||
| Ralphie says no. | ||
| Fruit. | ||
| Baskets. | ||
| I'll fuck everything. | ||
| Baskets? | ||
| No, man. | ||
| What's wrong with pussy? | ||
| Can you come if a girl's giving you a handjob? | ||
| Is that what you're saying? | ||
| Yeah, I can. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| You're a demon, dude. | ||
| You're a demon. | ||
| I can't. | ||
| Ralphie, you need some more stimulation? | ||
| I need pussy. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| I've never even come from a blowjob. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I know. | ||
| I'm the same way, Ralphie. | ||
| Same way. | ||
| I do not like blowjobs. | ||
| Maybe it's the way girls are blowing you two. | ||
| Maybe girls are blowing you two like this. | ||
| No. | ||
| That sounds great. | ||
| I would love the option. | ||
| I'm married. | ||
| I'm sealed, man. | ||
| I like all my shit. | ||
| I just stay on the straight and narrow, man. | ||
| That's not what I'm saying. | ||
| What I'm saying is even her. | ||
| Even the only Mrs. May. | ||
| Oh, yeah, man. | ||
| Yeah, my wife, she's a horrible blowjobber. | ||
| Let's be honest. | ||
| I mean, she's a Jew broad. | ||
| It comes with the territory. | ||
| You know? | ||
| They nag, but they're good with money. | ||
| They get great kids. | ||
| A lot of Jewish girls, that was the reputation that they'd like to give blowjobs. | ||
| Not this one. | ||
| Back in Boston. | ||
| Yeah, that's what I always thought. | ||
| Have you ever heard that? | ||
| I mean, if you go with the stereotype. | ||
| I've never heard of that one ever. | ||
| Ever. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| That's the shit she's been keeping from me. | ||
| Yeah, I've heard that. | ||
| On the first day of Hanukkah. | ||
| Finally, something good for the Jews. | ||
| I'm lighting a candle just for that one tonight. | ||
| We got a menorah that we've had for, seriously, nine years, ten years. | ||
| I found it in the garage. | ||
| I went and got a candle. | ||
| And the kids are just going to sing Happy Birthday because that's all I know. | ||
| I don't know any Hanukkah songs. | ||
| I don't know anything about it. | ||
| My wife's not a good Jew. | ||
| But I'm lighting a candle just for that one. | ||
| Just letting my daughter know she's got a good rep. | ||
| I always heard that Jewish women are just the craziest in bed. | ||
| They do anything. | ||
| They're just this crazy sex machine. | ||
| And she did fuck me, so that makes me fucking crazy. | ||
| Yeah, it is black chicks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn it. | |
| I need to try it once. | ||
| You've never tried a black girl? | ||
| No. | ||
| Because I might get De Niro'd, son. | ||
| You might get Bingo'd. | ||
| You might get De Niro'd, so you're not even into white chicks anymore. | ||
| You might start talking like Ralphie Mae. | ||
| It might be true. | ||
| I was at BW3. Ha ha ha! | ||
| You might start gangstaing out. | ||
| Come on, baby. | ||
| No, there's this black chick at BW3s last night. | ||
| That's your next move, dude. | ||
| It was so beautiful. | ||
| She was beautiful. | ||
| So what the fuck, man? | ||
| You don't even have to tell him that, man. | ||
| You're just a white dude who likes black chicks. | ||
| Just be you, son. | ||
| Embrace! | ||
| Embrace your inner love of black chicks. | ||
| That's the next move for you, sir. | ||
| That's what I see. | ||
| Some hard-ass black chick that fucks the shit out of you and tells all your ex-girlfriends to step. | ||
| Fucks like Lil' Kim. | ||
| Anger. | ||
| So if you have any issues with ex-girlfriends, they're scared of that black bitch. | ||
| That crazy bitch with her big long nails. | ||
| The girl at the BW3s in Burbank, the bartender. | ||
| You are cute. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| What are you, a fucking five-year-old? | ||
| Go tell her in person, bitch. | ||
| This is faggotry. | ||
| I don't even use that word anymore. | ||
| Do you like me? | ||
| Check one, yes, no. | ||
| I want to take you to the Olive Garden. | ||
| It's so hilarious. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| It's so hilarious. | ||
| Brian, how dare you? | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| How dare you come off like a 12-year-old on the show? | ||
| I like you. | ||
| Do you like me? | ||
| Check one. | ||
| Yes, no. | ||
| Please AIM me. | ||
| You smelled really good. | ||
| Just give out your AIM. I know you got one, you fucking weirdo. | ||
| Here's my Facebook. | ||
| Ralphie Mae rocks it so old school, he doesn't even have a Twitter. | ||
| How do you like them apples? | ||
| Yeah, what's up with that? | ||
| It's almost non-existent. | ||
| I mean, I do it once in a while. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's got like five tweets. | |
| Do you text a lot? | ||
| Yeah, and I'm sick of it. | ||
| Ralph, you gotta get on the Twitter. | ||
| There's people out there, Ralphie, that want to talk to you, man. | ||
| They're happy you're on the show today. | ||
| I know, and they're creepy, and they go to my shows, and they say, what's up? | ||
| Oh, yeah, there's a lot of people. | ||
| Actually, today, I got a lot of phone messages, people saying, because a lot of comics watch your podcast. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cool. | |
| They're like, Ralphie, you go to the phone. | ||
| I gotta move this out of my face. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is freaking me out. | |
| It's right in my mug. | ||
| It's like you're shooting a gun. | ||
| It's right in my mug. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's fucking weird. | |
| I'm trying to move around it while I'm looking at you. | ||
| The podcast stand, folks. | ||
| Microphone stand, rather. | ||
| It's in his mouth. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So, well, yeah, you got to use the Twitter, man. | ||
| It's very important. | ||
| There's a lot of people that want to talk to you. | ||
| And not only is it good for promotion, it's great for writing comedy. | ||
| It gives you, like, joke beginnings of jokes. | ||
| Yeah, you start talking shit about things. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| Yeah, but I'm nervous. | ||
| I'm nervous that I would become too exposed. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| And, like, you know, I would become too exposed as, like, you know... | ||
| A go-to guy for free. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I write hours and hours of material. | ||
| Right now I have three and a half, maybe four hours in rotation that I do separately. | ||
| It's all different stuff and it's all the same basic thing. | ||
| I find myself just writing the same thing over and over again in a different form and a different subject. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| The same formula. | ||
| I'm nervous that I would get polluted by other comedians and I just don't want to open myself up. | ||
| Polluted by other comedians. | ||
| You don't have to follow anybody you don't want to follow. | ||
| Some people are like, I don't think Louis C.K. for the longest time didn't follow anybody. | ||
| Brie Olsen, zero followers. | ||
| Really? | ||
| She doesn't follow anyone. | ||
| Never replied, has never replied to anybody, zero followers. | ||
| You try to make her reply, she will not do it. | ||
| She almost seems like she's like an app. | ||
| Type in, you know, it just automatically puts something sexy mixed with something. | ||
| You might be absolutely right about that because I've read some of those that she writes because they've been featured on websites and shit, and they're crazy. | ||
| They're all like, you know, I'm going to go down to this high school and try to get five dudes to shoot loads in me. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| I'm at the airport right now. | ||
| I have dried cum in my face. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But, if you watch her videos, you're like, well, she's obviously for real. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm not familiar with who y'all are talking to. | ||
| Brie Olsen? | ||
| She's funny. | ||
| Very popular young porno star. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| With a wonderful personality. | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| Excellent sense of humor. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm sure. | |
| She gets it. | ||
| Brody Stevens. | ||
| She gets it. | ||
| Take meat. | ||
| She can take meat. | ||
| It's weird, man. | ||
| We've talked about this on the podcast before. | ||
| Was she one of the girls in the biggest slut contest for Howard Stern? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe. | |
| Yeah, I think you're right. | ||
| I think so. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| And she was talking about how she'd fuck a retard and fuck everybody. | ||
| Dude, those... | ||
| I love it. | ||
| Fucking tards. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's awesome. | |
| Those girls that do those gang bangs, man, that's a different species. | ||
| That's a weird thing, man. | ||
| That's another human, bro. | ||
| That's another kind of human. | ||
| Speaking of another human, I saw Jay London picking up trash on Laurel Canyon. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Creeped me out. | ||
| What was he doing? | ||
| He was picking up trash. | ||
| For somebody? | ||
| Is he working? | ||
| Man, he had an orange jacket on. | ||
| I mean, an orange vest on. | ||
| Maybe he did something and he got arrested. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Isn't that what usually that is? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| I think so, man. | ||
| I think so. | ||
| And it was crazy. | ||
| Yeah, I went from last comic standing with you, right? | ||
| Yeah, last comic standing. | ||
| Was he on the season with you? | ||
| No? | ||
| No, no, like the next one. | ||
| He was on the next one? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, Jay and I were on the first TV show I ever did in 19, I think it was 92. It was Spotlight Cafe, this weird show in New York, and Jay was on it with me. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I always thought, wow, this guy's so quirky and interesting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He's going to be a famous comedian. | ||
| Then he got on Last Comic Standing. | ||
| I'm like, wow, here it goes. | ||
| Maybe people start recognizing him at the comedy store. | ||
| And then nothing happened. | ||
| And then it all stopped. | ||
| It just went away. | ||
| You have done the best of anybody of capitalizing on that last comic standing crowd and running with it. | ||
| You ran with that shit, dude. | ||
| There's a lot of guys who, like, John Heffron ran with it pretty well, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I think you ran with it even better. | ||
| I'm still running. | ||
| You were just more prolific. | ||
| Well, it highlighted you more than anyone. | ||
| You were the only person on that show that when I watched you, when it was originally on, I saw you blow up. | ||
| I mean, you just destroyed on that show. | ||
| You weren't like a regular Last Comic standing person. | ||
| You were tearing up rooms. | ||
| Jay Moore came to me and told me and showed me the minutes from an NBC meeting. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| Like he probably shouldn't have. | ||
| And he told me that they were nervous about having someone my size on NBC a lot, especially in prime time. | ||
| Worried about you dying or something? | ||
| No, just the image it would put out there. | ||
| They were embarrassed by my size. | ||
| What does that feel like? | ||
| It's crushing. | ||
| But I use it as motivation. | ||
| And he goes, the only way they're not going to get you off of this is if you get a standing ovation every show. | ||
| That's the only way they can deny it. | ||
| It's because we can't retake that tape. | ||
| And he goes, if every joke kills, we won't be able to show you bombing. | ||
| What? | ||
| He goes, if every joke of yours kills, then we won't be able to show that you bombed to tell you that you lost, to show the audience that you lost. | ||
| So you have to get a standing ovation every show and every joke be your hardest that you've ever delivered it. | ||
| That's the only way these people aren't going to get you out of here. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| So they were plotting to get you out from the beginning because of the way your body is. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| But now one of their biggest shows on TV on NBC is Biggest Loser. | ||
| Well, for those folks who listen on iTunes and you're not familiar with Ralphie, how big are you, Ralphie? | ||
| Right now, I'm 418. 418 pounds. | ||
| That's down from over 700. Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| I know, I've lost a whole fucking fat guy and I'm still fat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You were 700 at one point? | |
| Yeah, man. | ||
| Rogan, you remember the back of the comedy store? | ||
| Dude, you wanted to take me to the strip joint just to see any girl getting near my dick. | ||
| And you wanted to throw me in your Acura and there was no fucking getting in. | ||
| Yeah, that NSX was not having it. | ||
| It was sick. | ||
| It was a sick car, but there was no way. | ||
| I was getting in there and I'm like, I love you, Joe Rogan. | ||
| I love your heart. | ||
| I love your heart. | ||
| You have to be careful about what cars you get in, huh? | ||
| Not anymore. | ||
| Not anymore. | ||
| They're all pretty much, you know what I mean? | ||
| I got into a ridiculous $600,000 Mercedes-Benz. | ||
| $600,000 for a Mercedes? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What kind of car is that? | ||
| It's a convertible and it's like 700 horsepower. | ||
| Oh, I know what you're talking about. | ||
| The AMG. Some shit. | ||
| It was a Beverly Hills Mercedes-Benz. | ||
| It's crazy looking. | ||
| My friend, an ex-comedian is the sales manager there. | ||
| I don't think it's that much. | ||
| Ron Robertson. | ||
| I think it's $350,000. | ||
| No, it's 649. It has 200-inch plasma TVs in the trunk. | ||
| Maybe I'm wrong. | ||
| I could easily be wrong. | ||
| Maybe I'm thinking of another model. | ||
| Yeah, it's just badass, but totally the most uncomfortable car I've ever been in. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, but my Beamer, I've got a 650i convertible, and it's fine. | ||
| I don't have no problem. | ||
| Ralphie says no problem. | ||
| I'm all about comfort. | ||
| Ever since I got my new car, it's like the biggest mom car ever. | ||
| It's a Ford Edge, but it's so comfortable. | ||
| That's a good car, dude. | ||
| It's fucking comfortable, and it's so techy. | ||
| It's fucking comfortable as shit, man. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| I'm telling you what, American cars are fucking making a comeback. | ||
| Seat warmers. | ||
| Seat warmers are the shit, man. | ||
| And your lower back, you're going to feel the fatigue. | ||
| You have a little hemorrhoid. | ||
| I got a Mustang I drive. | ||
| I got a Shelby GT500. Ooh. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Convertible, yeah. | ||
| You always get good toys, though, man. | ||
| You always get good toys. | ||
| This one's the dumbest one ever, though. | ||
| All you have to do is, anytime you want, stomp on the gas and the car goes sideways. | ||
| Sideways, right? | ||
| Just start spinning wheels. | ||
| How many horsepower is it? | ||
| 550. And that car, yeah. | ||
| It's a tiny car. | ||
| It's a pony car. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And it's lightweight. | |
| Yeah, it's lightweight. | ||
| It's got a live rear axle, so it handles like shit. | ||
| But it's fun. | ||
| You just stomp on the gas and... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah! | |
| It just leaves rubber, dude. | ||
| It's a pure American experience, a car like that. | ||
| It's not sophisticated. | ||
| It's not the best way to get around. | ||
| Not the best handling. | ||
| But god damn, that shit is fun. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| Yeah, you stomp on the gas. | ||
| It's 550 horsepower and it's supercharged. | ||
| So you hear the supercharger whine and you hear that big V8. My BMW is supercharged. | ||
| You hear the V8 and the whee! | ||
| The whine and you hear whee! | ||
| That's getting it done, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude! | |
| It's like a different thing. | ||
| It's not just driving. | ||
| It's not just getting in your fucking Yukon and going to the supermarket. | ||
| There's something extra fun about it. | ||
| Very irresponsible. | ||
| Of course there is, man. | ||
| It's like James Bond. | ||
| Like some dangerous shit could happen anytime. | ||
| It's just fun. | ||
| It's just fun. | ||
| Even if you're not speeding, it's fun. | ||
| The lurch of it. | ||
| Just the rumble, dude. | ||
| You feel the power in those cars. | ||
| You should hear my turn single when I go around the neighborhood. | ||
| It's just awesome. | ||
| Those are good cars. | ||
| Fuck it, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're alright, Brian. | ||
| You're making yourself over. | ||
| You're turning Armenian on me. | ||
| You're moving to Glendale. | ||
| You got the beard. | ||
| You're tanner than ever. | ||
| Is that the next move, Glendale? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You think? | |
| Well, my beard says yes, but I want to go to the beach. | ||
| I can't take it anymore. | ||
| I need to go to the beach. | ||
| There's something that's calling me about the beach. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Have you ever been down there? | ||
| The vibe. | ||
| The vibe in the beach. | ||
| Really? | ||
| You like that? | ||
| It's so peaceful, man. | ||
| Everyone knows everyone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's peaceful. | |
| I totally agree. | ||
| It's homeless and it's stinky. | ||
| It smells like piss. | ||
| Yeah, it's Santa Monica, but you go down to Playa del Rey, you go down to Hermosa, it's just whiter than that. | ||
| White people and traffic getting there. | ||
| White people? | ||
| What? | ||
| It's just white people. | ||
| No homeless people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The most homeless person that's there has a credit card. | |
| I'm always saying that. | ||
| Fuck white people. | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
| I'm tired of their bullshit. | ||
| I am tired of their bullshit. | ||
| Man, this shit with fucking Arizona is bullshit. | ||
| I mean, they're giving white people a bad name. | ||
| You know, the real problem is we need to kill these fucking crazy assholes in Mexico that are just gunning people down for cocaine. | ||
| Dude, 28,000 since 2005. They got a bad problem down there. | ||
| And it's totally unaddressed. | ||
| All of Iraq, U.S. losses, 5,000. | ||
| Let's put it in perspective how many people that really is. | ||
| Yeah, it's pretty crazy. | ||
| And that's the ones they know about. | ||
| That's not the heads in the desert. | ||
| Okay, there's lots of that shit. | ||
| There's a lot of that shit going on. | ||
| Mexico's dangerous. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| The border towns especially. | ||
| I mean, it's really crazy right now. | ||
| And most Americans are blissfully unaware of how nuts it is down there. | ||
| They have no idea, man. | ||
| The average person? | ||
| Man, if you go to, like, Laredo, Texas, man, fuck that. | ||
| You are out the door. | ||
| It used to be nice. | ||
| You used to go across the border. | ||
| You know, you go down, like, have a weekend in San Antonio, and then Sunday night, go down there. | ||
| Laredo, get a great deal, like, a great hotel. | ||
| The Holiday Inn there, it was safe. | ||
| It was nice. | ||
| You go to Nouveau Laredo, cross the bridge, bring back glass and plates and stuff like that. | ||
| Man, it was awesome. | ||
| Ron White lived there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay, awesome. | ||
| It was just a great river valley, okay, town. | ||
| Smelled like cigars everywhere. | ||
| It would smell like grape cigars. | ||
| No, you get Cuban cigars. | ||
| Yeah, keep going, Brian. | ||
| What else? | ||
| How about candy? | ||
| Anything that Ron White smells like. | ||
| Yeah, cigars. | ||
| It does smell like that. | ||
| He told me one time to bring weed, and I'm like, you're the only guy ever to ask anyone to bring weed to Mexico. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| Go talk to somebody. | ||
| Bring weed to Mexico? | ||
| That sounds like a terrible idea. | ||
| Bringing weed to or back from Mexico sounds like a terrible idea. | ||
| Man, taking weed into Guam's a bad idea. | ||
| Yeah, let me hear that story, son. | ||
| This is a Ralphie Mae classic that's making the rounds, and I don't know all the details, so I want to hear the whole deal, because you got arrested somewhere. | ||
| Yeah, I got stopped in Guam for weed. | ||
| I didn't know I had it on me. | ||
| Alright? | ||
| And I took out of my bag three and a half ounces of weed, a full ounce of keef, and about 20 grams of hash. | ||
| Goddamn, dude. | ||
| That's what I took out of my bag. | ||
| Like, he took it out before he went to the airport. | ||
| Wait, but that's what he made once to party. | ||
| Yeah, I like to get down. | ||
| I like variety, you know? | ||
| I mean, you look at me. | ||
| I've got no fucking control, okay, of anything, Joe Rogan. | ||
| Look at me. | ||
| I'm a fucking mess. | ||
| Okay, yeah, that. | ||
| You've got control over your loads. | ||
| Sounds like you've got really good control. | ||
| Alright, then. | ||
| The one thing I've got for me. | ||
| But I'm a mess. | ||
| I mean, I've got no sense. | ||
| Plus, I get tons of heavy handshakes. | ||
| And these guys aren't throwing an ounce at me. | ||
| They're throwing an eighth to a quarter. | ||
| When I tell them how I was stoned and saw the miracle on the Hudson happen. | ||
| Just afterwards, okay? | ||
| We were down there at Chelsea Piers and people were running. | ||
| I saw a fucking cop on a horse. | ||
| I am stoned out of my fucking mind. | ||
| My act, I say I'm stoned like a biblical whore. | ||
| And I am... | ||
| I'm fucking... | ||
| I'm wasted. | ||
| Seriously, I'm fucked up. | ||
| If it wasn't 29 degrees and sunny, I would have passed the fuck out. | ||
| I was that high. | ||
| I had a big thing of hash, and I put that in the middle. | ||
| I made a Joey Diaz Cuban sandwich, where the OG's sativa on the top, and then a big fucking chunk of hash over a gram, and an OG finish. | ||
| I was one of the most fucked up I've ever been. | ||
| And I'm walking and in slow motion I'm seeing people run from the end of the pier to the edge. | ||
| Overhead helicopters. | ||
| I see a cop on a fucking horse. | ||
| And he was within 20 feet of me. | ||
| And I'm like, where the fuck are you going, Sundance? | ||
| I mean, we're on a pier, okay? | ||
| You're on a fucking pier. | ||
| There's people all around. | ||
| My kid is in my wife's arms. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Okay? | ||
| And we went down there to go see, I'm kind of an aviation buck, and the AR, was it the Blackbird spy plane? | ||
| The AR-71, I think it was? | ||
| It's the fastest plane we ever built, you know, that we told anyone about. | ||
| And it's fucking cool as shit because on its last voyage it flew from New York to L.A. or L.A. to New York in like 38 minutes. | ||
| Some insane speed. | ||
| L.A. to New York in 38 minutes? | ||
| That's time traveling. | ||
| That's how fucking fast it is. | ||
| Is that real? | ||
| Look it up. | ||
| AR-17. | ||
| AR-something. | ||
| AR-17 Blackbird? | ||
| SR-71. | ||
| SR-71. | ||
| Just making some numbers up. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| SR-71. | ||
| It's a Blackbird spy plane. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Check that fucker out. | ||
| And it was the last declassified flight of it. | ||
| It was the only one that they showed the speed. | ||
| And we retired this motherfucker. | ||
| Why would you ever retire this thing? | ||
| Can you put it up there, Brian? | ||
| I don't know how to do all this shit. | ||
| You're amazing. | ||
| I got an iPad. | ||
| I play Words of Friends. | ||
| Dude, this thing goes 2,000 miles an hour. | ||
| So then it couldn't have been 37 minutes. | ||
| This is what they did. | ||
| In one hour and 54 minutes, they went from New York to London. | ||
| That's a six-hour flight. | ||
| That's a six-hour flight. | ||
| They did it in an hour and 54 minutes. | ||
| They went from the last one that flew, the one that's at the battleship there. | ||
| Was it the Intrepid? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| Okay. | ||
| Down on Chelsea Piers. | ||
| That's what I wanted to go see. | ||
| I wanted to be high and be close to that fucking jet. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I mean, that's almost time traveling. | ||
| I mean, do you understand? | ||
| Dude, trust me. | ||
| I mean, that's fucking mind-blowing. | ||
| In two hours, you can leave London. | ||
| You can have tea in London and lunch and dinner in New York City and not miss a fucking beat, bro. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| That's pretty intense. | ||
| That's transporter shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Okay, that's amazing. | ||
| You know, what's really crazy is they used to have that Concorde that you could fly to Europe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, man. | |
| Supersonic plane. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fucking hell. | |
| That was cool as shit, dude. | ||
| And it used to go super high. | ||
| It was like way higher than a regular plane. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So literally like you were on the border of fucking space. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Border of space going to the speed of sound. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Fucking A, man. | ||
| Stop and think about a plane that goes as fast as fucking sound. | ||
|
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|
I knew what I was. | |
| And you're just sitting in that bitch. | ||
| But yeah, you don't feel the g-force because they don't make any sudden moves and they just slowly amp it up. | ||
| It's fucking insane. | ||
| It's fucking insane. | ||
| It just goes straight up and straight down. | ||
| It's the speed of sound, man. | ||
| The speed of sound in a fucking plane. | ||
| But it kept killing too many rich folks. | ||
|
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|
Boy, have it. | |
| Yeah, right? | ||
| The people at the altitude. | ||
| They fucked up. | ||
| And I think the last one, I think it was a really dumb fuck-up, too. | ||
| It's like someone hit a tire that was left on the track. | ||
| The Concorde hit it and fucking caused a gigantic explosion. | ||
| And everybody died. | ||
| When those people are dying, they're dying. | ||
| These are people that are paying like $10,000 a ticket. | ||
|
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|
More than that for first class, right? | |
| So $10,000 feels like regular, right? | ||
| Yeah, for like economy. | ||
| Economy is $10,000. | ||
| And it's just to save a few hours of your time. | ||
| That's really what it is. | ||
| And because of the novelty effect of it. | ||
| I remember I was watching some talk show as a kid and there was an actor who said the coolest thing he'd ever done was take that Concord and then stand on his seat so he was the highest person in the world. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| And he's right. | ||
| It was like he stood on his seat and he was the highest alive person. | ||
| No, there was no astronauts in orbit at that time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, right. | |
| There was nothing going on. | ||
| The plane still freaked me out. | ||
| Just the idea that you're in this metal tube that's 30,000 feet in the air and you're just sitting there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And you're just chilling and looking at your iPad and you're like... | ||
| And you're like, atoms are holding us up. | ||
| Invisible atoms. | ||
| Disconnected from the ground. | ||
| That's where I want to be. | ||
| I want to be on the ground where it's safe. | ||
|
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|
30,000 fucking feet up there. | |
| I get a lot of anxiety when I fly. | ||
| What do you think they have that we don't know about? | ||
| One of the things you said about the SR-71, you said it was the fastest plane that we have that we know about. | ||
| That we ever told anyone about. | ||
| Do you think they have some shit that we don't? | ||
| Well, it would just seem to reason. | ||
| I mean, wouldn't it be the logic that if you made that much progress in 30 years, That, you know, exponentially, if you take the same progress, like in cell phones in the last 20 years, from a briefcase with a cord and a headset, and then the move down was the brick. | ||
| Okay, that was the after that. | ||
| That same technology now, they're microscopic and they can, you know, tons of data. | ||
| I mean, you just take that same stream of technology and apply that to another sector where we're spending billions and billions and billions of dollars on projects that we don't even know about. | ||
| Fuck yeah, there's got to be something faster. | ||
| I want to know about, I want to know about HAARP up in Alaska. | ||
| I want to know about the F-23 that supposedly can hover and it's a scramjet. | ||
| I want to know about that. | ||
| That it can fly at 120,000 feet and it can go from... | ||
| Well, outside of Las Vegas, supposedly. | ||
| It fucking takes off and then it refuels at about 90,000 feet. | ||
| No, 45,000 feet on its way to 90,000 feet. | ||
| And then it hits the afterburns. | ||
| So it meets a plane and refuels in the air? | ||
| How dope is that? | ||
| They refuel in the fucking sky. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How the fuck are they doing that, man? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's the cleanest burning, and it's the fastest, and people can go from over the Pacific, where there's nobody. | ||
| They refuel, and then they hit that scramjet, and they go to 120, 140,000 feet, like the outer atmosphere shit, and then bounce back. | ||
| What you don't understand, if you go straight up and you continue in a straight line, the earth is moving at like 17,000 miles per hour. | ||
| So that's adding to your speed. | ||
| It's like a trippy when you add altitude to it. | ||
| And then gravity on top of that compounding. | ||
| So you're falling much faster. | ||
| It could go up to theoretically 3,000 miles per hour, 4,000 miles per hour. | ||
|
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|
Damn. | |
| Fucking amazing. | ||
| Do you guys remember how cool it was in the 80s? | ||
| I wonder about that. | ||
| That Blackbird? | ||
| Remember the Blackbird? | ||
| It was like the F-15 or what was it? | ||
| Can you even wrap your head around that kind of fucking speed? | ||
| No, man! | ||
| It's time traveling, man! | ||
| That's the closest wherever I wonder if they have some shit that's not released that's even faster than what we know about, like three or four times the speed of sound, some really nutty shit. | ||
| What about that decommissioned super collider in Waxahaxie, Texas, that's still a federal off-limits facility? | ||
| Say we created the God particle like they did in Switzerland, which is a controlled microscopic subatomic black hole. | ||
| And then the energy explodes off that we collect. | ||
| That theoretically, that in a bottle, any matter, we could stream and bang into each other and control that black hole. | ||
| That we could, in the left of my water, get boom from there. | ||
| We could fuel all of North America's energy services. | ||
| Isn't that amazing? | ||
| It's fucking unbelievable. | ||
| The super colliding shit like that. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I mean, it's fascinating, but I think the idea behind making the little black holes is that they don't have enough gravity to stay alive. | ||
| Yeah, they die out instantly. | ||
| Well, the scary version... | ||
| So you're thinking that someone's doing something with the one they have in Texas? | ||
| Is that what you're saying? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, that it's not been decommissioned. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And that it's being used. | ||
| I mean, the fucking government uses everything else from the 50s. | ||
| They're going to drop, you know, 800 billion in a fucking hole in Waxahachie and then just say, fuck it, we're out. | ||
| I don't believe that. | ||
| It's a funding thing, though. | ||
| A lot of times there's just not enough money to run shit. | ||
| If they don't think they're going to get a direct result off of the experiments, what's going to be profitable out of these experiences? | ||
| What military applications is going to come from this experiment? | ||
| And if there's none, it's real hard to justify when the economy goes to shit. | ||
| They close things like that down all the time. | ||
| Yeah, but is it really closed, though? | ||
| So you think secretly they're doing some crazy shit? | ||
| Yes! | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| The whole Area 51 is the most fascinating thing to me. | ||
| That they had a whole area that they denied even existed until I think it was like in the late 90s. | ||
| They tried to expand the boundaries of it and they had to claim more land to be restricted. | ||
| Then they had to admit that it exists in the first place. | ||
| But for the longest time, there was just people waiting with guns. | ||
| But too many dudes found, like, this spot in the hills where you could watch them experiment with their aircrafts. | ||
| And too many guys who worked there who either got fired or went crazy, and, like, Bob Lazard, you know who he is? | ||
| He's the guy that, you know, he's been ridiculed. | ||
| A lot of people say that he's full of shit, and he lied about his education background. | ||
| I don't know what's the case or what's not the case, but his story is... | ||
| Hey, I lied on a resume to get a job. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, he said he had degrees in places they said he never enrolled, and there's like old yearbooks from those times, and he's not in the yearbook. | ||
| So it seems like, at the very least, he's made some things up. | ||
| So, you know, you gotta look at it and say, well, he probably made it all up. | ||
| But the point is, he would take his friends to watch these things fly in the air, and he said he worked there, and they arrested him there. | ||
| And once they arrested him there, there's like, you know, it was his big story, and he came out and said there was flying saucers there, and that he had worked on them, tried to back-engineer them. | ||
| Fucking fast. | ||
| Where they're doing secret shit, and they didn't want people to know about it, and they had to tell people it existed in the 90s. | ||
| Once they had satellites, and satellites started flying over and taking photographs of it, and people could see the whole facility and Groom Lake, and you could see all these air hangers. | ||
| They're doing some nutty shit out there, man. | ||
| That's where they're making stuff like stealth bombers. | ||
|
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That's just the shit on the surface. | |
| It's still bomber technology, as badass as it is. | ||
| It's 30 fucking years old. | ||
| I think a lot of what they're doing is drones, man. | ||
| There's a fascinating video of these people. | ||
| This is before they shut it down. | ||
| These people were watching from some parked spot, and they were filming these things flying through the air. | ||
| And you've never seen anything move like this. | ||
| And I'm like, well, that's probably because there's no people in it. | ||
| It's probably a drone. | ||
| They're probably all drones. | ||
| It looks exactly like this, but small. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Baby blackbirds. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, you know what? | ||
| I mean, we know that they have them now. | ||
| We know that they have them. | ||
| So if that's what they saw in 1996 and shit when people were filming, that's probably the answer to a lot of this UFO bullshit. | ||
| Well, I don't believe in UFOs. | ||
| I think that time travel is a closer thing than the distance. | ||
| Or they're creating some kind of wormhole. | ||
| But I don't believe in aliens. | ||
| I think that they exist. | ||
| I just don't think they've ever been here. | ||
| I'm not convinced that they have or haven't. | ||
| I could see it argued either way. | ||
| It sounds totally preposterous when you watch those ancient alien shows and you see that guy with the crazy hair talking all this nonsense about how they believe that aliens taught all these different people, all these different things. | ||
| But, look, if we are people and we have aspired to travel and we supposedly have been to the moon... | ||
| If we have that sort of capability in our primitive stage of development, what if there's a culture 100,000, 200,000, 300,000 years older than us? | ||
| That's nothing in the blip of time. | ||
| That's nothing. | ||
| I mean, just think if we had gotten hit by the meteor. | ||
| Yeah, a culture that survives that's 2 or 3 million years older than us. | ||
| They're going to be so fucking far ahead of us. | ||
| That they would literally be able to bypass all the ideas or have come to a resolution on all the ideas about interrupting life and genetically engineering new life. | ||
| To them, it would be like, yeah, of course you do it. | ||
| This is what you do. | ||
| You just make new life. | ||
| Yeah, we go there and we introduce our genetics into these monkey genetics. | ||
| And these monkeys have this crazy thing happens where their brain doubles over a period of two million years and they become humans. | ||
| Did that happen? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But there's a lot of fucking stories. | ||
| All these different stories from so many different religions and so many different ancient texts all have to do with some higher being coming from the sky. | ||
| I mean, what the fuck, man? | ||
| Is that a little bit, though, that people just want to believe in something else? | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| It's possible. | ||
| I mean, humans... | ||
| It's not an either-or. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| It's not an either-or. | ||
| We're all just assholes. | ||
| I mean, if you're a survivor at this point, you come from a long line of assholes. | ||
| We were the guys who ate the last bit of food. | ||
| We were the ones that didn't share during famine. | ||
| Well, I don't know if it's that easy. | ||
| I know what you're saying, but not really. | ||
| All you have to do is get a group of cool people together to fight off the assholes and you survive as well. | ||
| You don't have to be an asshole to survive. | ||
| You can be the cool, smart people that get together and fight off the assholes. | ||
| So just because we're here doesn't mean we're the children of assholes. | ||
| But isn't it crazy? | ||
| We're just barbaric. | ||
| From the fucking Mayans to everybody in Europe, the different clans, they were just barbarians. | ||
| The fucking Huns, one in six people have the same DNA as Genghis Khan or some shit like that. | ||
| How badass was Genghis Khan? | ||
| He comes out of the steps of Mongolia and fucking sweeps in and takes almost the whole world. | ||
| Isn't that fucking amazing? | ||
| I mean, grasp that, dude. | ||
| He was a lobster. | ||
| He was fucking gangster. | ||
| Wouldn't it be awesome to be able to get real documentary footage? | ||
| Like, the coolest fucking thing would be, you can't travel through time, but what you can do is go back in time and watch it and record it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, you know, if you found a way to extract it from trees, like visuals. | |
| Yeah, this is a thousand-year-old tree. | ||
| Let's see what it's seen. | ||
| Well, technically, you know, since we're just reflecting light and that's all we are, okay, and light travels at us. | ||
| We're just reflecting light. | ||
| This is the ultimate stoner talk right here. | ||
| I know, right? | ||
| We all just reflect light. | ||
| Why were you in Guam, by the way? | ||
| I was there to do a bunch of shows. | ||
| I was there to do a bunch of shows. | ||
| It's like he's been bothered for 20 minutes. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| Fuck, man. | ||
| I forgot that we were talking about that. | ||
| Yeah, me too. | ||
| I was just talking about this. | ||
| I love this shit. | ||
| I'm getting high and fucking talking about it. | ||
| What I'm talking about... | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Let me finish the point. | ||
| Yeah, bro. | ||
| UFOs, dude. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Check it out. | ||
| That if you could go faster than the speed of light to the time and then with a powerful enough telescope pointed at us to catch the light reflected, you could use just as satellite technology looks down on the Earth, you could see the reflection of the Earth from that time and visually prove everything you wanted to. | ||
| Whoa, what? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you went faster out into space. | ||
| Okay, you go faster out into space than the speed of light. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then you have a telescope. | |
| You have a telescope. | ||
| That could look back and capture the light that's coming off the earth. | ||
| The light that's coming from the earth as you go away. | ||
| Oh, I see what you're saying. | ||
| Yeah, you would theoretically be looking at earth at that point. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| The reflection of the light. | ||
| So you would be looking at Earth at that point in time. | ||
| Yeah, so at the speed of light, Earth's history would come at you. | ||
| I mean, if you could visually swatch it. | ||
| Sort of, but you would be a thousand years in the future, looking a thousand years in the past, so you'd really virtually be in the same moment. | ||
| It would still freeze. | ||
| It would still be the exact same distance between Earth and you at all points. | ||
| It would always be the same. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| But that doesn't matter. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It doesn't matter. | |
| No, it's the fact that light reflects off of it. | ||
| So you could catch an image of what... | ||
| It might not be a perfect image. | ||
| Right, so as you're going, say if you're going a million miles an hour, as it's a million miles away... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The light from a thousand years ago. | |
| I know what you're saying. | ||
| The idea behind it is if you move into the future faster than the speed of light, what happens back here moves at a much, much, much faster pace. | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| What I'm saying is that the light that bounces off the earth has an image. | ||
| And that image is the same traveling off the earth at the speed of light. | ||
| If you go out into space... | ||
| At faster than the speed of light. | ||
| Okay, so you can look back before it? | ||
| Yeah, you can look back at the image of the Earth with a powerful enough telescope and see the history of Earth come forward. | ||
| Whoa, okay, so you're saying that if you go, say if you go forward, like... | ||
| Some fucking insane... | ||
| Like if you went... | ||
| Faster than light. | ||
| Alpha Centauri is 54 years... | ||
| And you look back and see the Earth. | ||
| If we have the kind of technology to allow you to, even though you're billions of light years away or however far the fuck away you are, to look back and see the Earth and get close to the... | ||
| Actually to the ground. | ||
| So you can, even from 100 million light years away, you still have full view of the Earth. | ||
| It wouldn't be full. | ||
| It would be obscured. | ||
| There would be... | ||
| You know, there's dark patches and only the light that bounces off is the sunny side of the Earth. | ||
| So you could see the sunny side You couldn't catch anybody because people do fucked up shit at night. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You'd be doomed. | |
| Almost all the real fucked up shit happens at night. | ||
| You wouldn't get nothing. | ||
| You had no proof on me, motherfucker. | ||
| You saw a shadow in the window, bitch. | ||
| You don't know nothing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck you. | |
| I'm not saying I'm not going for court. | ||
| I'm just saying. | ||
| I see what you're saying, though. | ||
| That's a total stoner thought right there, Ralph. | ||
| It's trippy talk. | ||
| It is trippy talk. | ||
| Well, the idea of time itself is very trippy, especially because it's limited. | ||
| It's so true. | ||
| Our physical bodies find it limited, but when you get past our physical bodies and all other physical bodies, time is just one thing. | ||
| It's just one big gigantic moment. | ||
| It's just we don't last. | ||
| Time's only important to us. | ||
| That's the real mindfuck. | ||
| That is exactly it. | ||
| The real mindfuck is that you're dying. | ||
| As soon as you're born, you're dying. | ||
| Welcome to it. | ||
| Dude, I watched a fucking guy get killed by a bear today. | ||
| Somebody put it up on the Rogan board. | ||
| Was it fucking Sarah Palin? | ||
| It was a trained bear. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| And the trained bear had been in movies before, man. | ||
| And the fucking guy... | ||
| Was it Gentleman or something? | ||
| They had this bear in this pen and they're training it and doing things with it. | ||
| He just turns on this guy out of nowhere and rips his throat apart. | ||
| Perfect. | ||
| And just tears at it and shakes him. | ||
| That's why I never want to go up into space and look at the past 10,000 years. | ||
| I want fucking... | ||
| There's bears up there. | ||
| I know there is. | ||
| I was watching that Sarah Palin, just the promos for that shit on Discovery or whatever it is. | ||
| And that bitch is fishing next to grizzly bears. | ||
| And I just want the grizzly bear to go, fuck you, I'm Union. | ||
| I got Union during the grizzly man movie. | ||
| Alright, it's your ass. | ||
| I'm coming. | ||
| And just attack the fucking boat. | ||
| Bears are very frightening. | ||
| They're very frightening. | ||
| Fucking... | ||
| They are powerful animals, man. | ||
| They can rip a horse's fucking head off with his paw. | ||
| I've talked about it too much over the past few weeks, and I talked about it yesterday on the Tom Green podcast, but there's a video you should see, folks. | ||
| It's a bear eating a moose alive, and it's on the internet. | ||
| You want to know how ruthless fucking nature is, man? | ||
| They are fucking brutal. | ||
| They don't even kill you, man. | ||
| They just start eating. | ||
| Yeah, they don't care. | ||
| They hold you down and they eat you. | ||
| While you're still flailing? | ||
| Whoa, Jack... | ||
| Yeah, kill me first. | ||
| This video, though, the crazy thing is this is a trained bear. | ||
| This guy had raised this bear and trained it, and I believe it was his cousin was in the rink with it as they were working with the bear, and the bear just, for whatever reason, just decided to attack him out of nowhere, unprovoked, just fucked him up, man. | ||
| Good. | ||
| You think so, really? | ||
| Yes! | ||
| Why are you fucking with a bear? | ||
| It's a bear. | ||
| Well, he's just trying to make some money. | ||
|
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|
Let it just chill and be a bear. | |
| Somebody's got to... | ||
| Somebody's got to do... | ||
| Like, if you're going to have a movie where you have a guy wrestle a bear, someone's got to train that fucking bear. | ||
| We can't have a movie. | ||
| CGI. Yeah, man. | ||
| They can make Na'vi. | ||
| You ever see that movie Congo? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah, when they had those big crazy monkeys that were so obviously men with monkey suits? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| It was annoying, man. | ||
| CGI has fixed all this. | ||
| Michael Clarke Duncan wasn't working then? | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| That's my favorite earthquake joke. | ||
| How dare you, bro? | ||
| Do you know Earthquake, the comedian? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What did he say? | ||
| He said that he went on an audition for Planet of the Apes and saw Michael Clarke dunking in there, and he called his agent and just left. | ||
| He said, that motherfucker didn't need makeup. | ||
| How rude. | ||
| Is there earthquakes in Guam? | ||
| I'm sorry, that's hilarious. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| There's earthquakes everywhere, man. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| Even in Guam there's earthquakes? | ||
| Are you trying to get back to the Guam story? | ||
| Actually, do you know they're protected by the Mariana Trench? | ||
| The lowest place on Earth? | ||
| They're protected by it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| How are you protected by the lowest spot on Earth? | ||
| The immense cavern takes out a lot of the energy from the tsunami, how deep the water gets. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, so they are protected by a reef, and they're protected by the Marianas Trench right there. | ||
| So they've never been jacked by a tsunami? | ||
| No, they come, but they don't get the full width and breadth of it. | ||
| A lot of the energy is lost in the canyon. | ||
| Is that trench where they recorded that insane biological sound? | ||
| I know they call it the bloop. | ||
| There's one crazy sound that they recorded that's so many times louder than anything they'd ever recorded that was biological under the water. | ||
| And they know it's biological. | ||
| They don't know what it was. | ||
| It's like mayhem underwater. | ||
| Screaming twice, too. | ||
| Man, that guy, he's a little munch, right, baby? | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| I love that guy. | ||
| I met him at this podcast. | ||
| The full spectrum, bro. | ||
| That's the full spectrum. | ||
| That guy is a killer. | ||
| I look in his eyes and I'm like, yeah, that's a guy I don't want to fuck with. | ||
| He would love to hurt me. | ||
| It'd be just a goof. | ||
| He enjoys fighting. | ||
| He enjoys it. | ||
| He's fucking good at it. | ||
| He likes it. | ||
| It's what he's supposed to be doing. | ||
| There's a broad spectrum of human beings... | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| I totally agree. | ||
| Everybody's supposed to be doing their thing, you know? | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| Sometimes people find their thing and it matches up with their personality and sometimes they just fight it and then they go postal. | ||
| Can you imagine if he didn't get into fighting and instead he was like, ah, I'm just going to work at Toys R Us. | ||
| And you're just like, oh, I'm sorry. | ||
| It's fucking Fallen Day waiting to happen. | ||
| That would be a problem. | ||
| Fallen Day waiting to happen. | ||
| Yeah, that would be a fucking problem. | ||
| I'm always nervous around Eddie Bravo late at night. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Have you seen him drunk? | ||
| I've seen him drunk. | ||
| Oh, he's not wearing a shirt? | ||
| It's just the idea that he can kill you anytime he wants? | ||
| Yes, that is very scary. | ||
| And the fact that there is nothing I can do. | ||
| And then he tells guys that are double his size how he'd choke him out from underneath. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Underneath? | |
| Sounds gay. | ||
| I never even heard that. | ||
| I didn't know what that was. | ||
| And he's laughing about it. | ||
| Oh yeah, I'd climb up him and then leg lock him and choke him out and shit like this. | ||
| It's so weird because I don't get that from Eddie Bravo as I do with Mayhem. | ||
| With Mayhem, I fear him. | ||
| But when I'm at Eddie, he's always just so happy and nice. | ||
| I never even think about him being as great. | ||
| Eddie's not competing. | ||
| The difference is the guys that are competing, guys that are actively fighting in MMA, they have to always be ready to train and to spar, and they're always thinking about competition. | ||
| They're always training hard. | ||
| They're always ramped up. | ||
| And most of them are really calm. | ||
| Mayhem is about as exaggerated a personality as you get. | ||
| But that's just who he is. | ||
| He's always been like that. | ||
| I've known that dude forever. | ||
| You have too. | ||
| He's always been like that. | ||
| But just the fact that they're in competition mode, that's like some primal shit. | ||
| You're at nine all the time. | ||
| Your senses are heightened. | ||
| You're training for combat, man. | ||
| That's like some serious shit. | ||
| Can you imagine that every day? | ||
| Like the Spartans, how they get their kids kidnapped and taken and beaten and toughened up. | ||
| And then they escape at 18 and they go rape and steal a girl out at night. | ||
|
unidentified
|
These guys, they were warriors all day long. | |
| It's pretty crazy when you think about what pussies we are today. | ||
| And that people had to be like that at one point in time for us to get to today. | ||
| They had to be strong. | ||
| They had to be able to fight off fucking animals and hordes of invading tribes. | ||
| You had to be strong to stay alive just a few thousand years ago. | ||
| It's crazy, isn't it? | ||
| It's very strange. | ||
| A few thousand? | ||
| 150? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| 150 fucking years, two lifetimes. | ||
| Dude, the Wild West, that was the 1800s. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| 1865 was the abolition of slavery, right? | ||
| Was it 1875 or 1865? | ||
| 65. And then you've got, you know, fucking cowboys and Indians going to war. | ||
| War. | ||
| Just fucking each other up. | ||
| Apache, knife fighters. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Those guys are nasty. | ||
| Did you see the thing where Obama got in trouble because he was talking about Sitting Bull? | ||
| No. | ||
| And he was recognizing that Sitting Bull was a hero. | ||
| I guess it was a part of some book that he has. | ||
| He has some child book. | ||
| And people are going, hey, Sitting Bull killed a lot of fucking Americans. | ||
| Yeah, it did. | ||
| It's funny because we're acknowledging now that we've integrated the American Indian into the whole American culture, like they're a part of us, now we're sort of acknowledging that the original Americans just fucked them, you know, and this guy fought back and this guy's a hero for fighting essentially us. | ||
| Well, you know, it's mind-boggling when you say, you know, we're, you know, the land of the free because of an act of terrorism. | ||
| Tell that to Willie Nelson. | ||
| He's in fucking, gonna be in jail for pot. | ||
| I know, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's crazy. | |
| Land of the free, my dick. | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| But, you know, we say that, you know, we, you know, we espouse all this patriotism and stuff. | ||
| And if you go to the Boston Tea Party, which is fucking, which is dum-dums. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Republicans. | |
| That are mad that we have a black guy or saying, you know, we're Tea Partyists, okay? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're fucking talking about a terrorist act. | ||
| That was a terrorist act. | ||
| It was not an act of war. | ||
| You know that, right? | ||
| We call it rebellion because we're on this fucking side of it. | ||
| But it was basically a terrorist act. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| If white guys today dressed up as Arabs and attacked a private company and destroyed property, we'd call it a terrorist act. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And that's exactly what we did. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Okay, it's a terrorist act. | ||
| Yeah, I know what you're saying. | ||
| Yeah, and that's how we bore our nation. | ||
| And the same thing that we accuse Afghanistan of being terrorists because they want to kill us, or they killed this many and they don't want to be under our fucking rule. | ||
| How dare we be an empire like the fucking British were to us? | ||
| Well, we're a lot crazier than that. | ||
| We're more crazy than any empire ever. | ||
| We have military presence in over 100 countries. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you know what that means? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We've got guns all over the world and jets and American soldiers ready to go. | ||
| At any time. | ||
| What's up? | ||
| They're just ready to go. | ||
| Strategically placed in all sorts of areas where they can get jets to them in time. | ||
| Are you nervous about this fucking North Korea guy? | ||
| No. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Not at all. | ||
| He wants to die. | ||
| I think he just wants better trade agreements. | ||
| He's not going to die. | ||
| They don't have any food. | ||
| But he's about to die. | ||
| He's already named his successor. | ||
| Nothing's going to happen. | ||
| But look at his son, though. | ||
| His son's ready to jump in, but he looks like he's a nice young guy that plays StarCraft. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's going to be like, finally, dad's gone. | |
| I can play StarCraft with all my friends. | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
| I always want to chill out. | ||
| Maybe play Starcraft. | ||
| It's not as fun once you have nuclear weapons you can use. | ||
| I'm telling you, man. | ||
| They bombed the fuck out of that island. | ||
| They destroyed the U.S. They attacked an island, right? | ||
| Yeah, they shelled the shit out of it for hours. | ||
| They flattened it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And what was on the island? | ||
| Who was on the island? | ||
| People! | ||
| South Koreans! | ||
| Yes, they killed thousands, supposedly. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yes, they blew up a fucking island. | ||
| You heard it was seven? | ||
| I thought seven people were injured. | ||
| Okay, this is a retard conversation. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We should go Google how many South Koreans injured. | |
| Yeah, and then they killed 47 South Korean sailors. | ||
| They downed a fucking ship, and then they said they didn't. | ||
| Motherfucker, we got you on tape, B. Right. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| They fucking blew up a battleship. | ||
| Not a battleship. | ||
| It's like a trawler of the South Korean Navy. | ||
| They blew it up and killed 47 sailors. | ||
| That's an act of war. | ||
| Two dudes died. | ||
| Two dudes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And they both died of AIDS. They both had to hear... | |
| There's a theme to our conversation, and it's numbers. | ||
| I think we need to leave out numbers until we know these bitches. | ||
| It's two people died, bro. | ||
| Two. | ||
| Dose. | ||
| Dose humans. | ||
| Dose humans. | ||
| And the shelling? | ||
| That's it? | ||
| Yeah, that's it. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| But what about the 47 sails? | ||
| That's still people that fucking died, man. | ||
| The whole thing is crazy. | ||
| The guy's killing people. | ||
| Yeah, he's killing people, and it looks like they're on the brink of war. | ||
| Left the burn checked. | ||
| Well, maybe you're right. | ||
| Maybe he's so fucked up he is going to try to actually go out with a bang. | ||
| I think he's fucking crazy, dude. | ||
| You never know, man. | ||
| Don't underestimate Cuckoo. | ||
| You've got to be pretty crazy to want to be some sort of a leader like that. | ||
| A leader of a country. | ||
| A leader of a cult. | ||
| A leader of anything. | ||
| To be that arrogant that you should be the main person, it means really just playing up on a flaw in human nature. | ||
| That flaw is the necessity of the alpha, where we're always looking to the one person that we are going to be led by. | ||
| That's how all tribes of animals deal with it. | ||
| Tribes of wolves do it, tribes of monkeys do it, and tribes of humans do it. | ||
| We need one person. | ||
| Even that one person isn't qualified, as long as there's one person in that position. | ||
| That's why, you know, the Sol Sera Palin thing is possible. | ||
| You don't have to be qualified. | ||
| You just have to be in the position. | ||
| This fucking guy isn't qualified to be the president of North Korea. | ||
| You tell me other North Korean people haven't said, listen, I'm a lot more reasonable. | ||
| I could get shit done with other countries. | ||
| We could live better. | ||
| Yeah, we could have like heat and food. | ||
| Of course, they're all thinking like that. | ||
| There's a cabbage in every pot in the ground. | ||
| Chicken in every pot. | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cabbage. | |
| Yeah, you gotta be a really twisted motherfucker to want to run things. | ||
| They've got fucking rockets that hit off the shore of Hawaii. | ||
| Do they really? | ||
| They can get to Hawaii? | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| Wow, you better not fuck up Hawaii. | ||
| I like Hawaii. | ||
| Man, Hawaii's awesome! | ||
| I was there after Guam. | ||
| What'd you say, Brian? | ||
| They're not going to fuck up Hawaii. | ||
| Well, what if they do, man? | ||
| They can fuck up anything. | ||
| If they're willing to fuck up these people on this island, man. | ||
| Let me tell you what. | ||
| The fact, there's over a million infantry of North Korea. | ||
| That's what people do there. | ||
| They don't make anything. | ||
| Everybody is fucking in the army. | ||
| It's true. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All right. | |
| If they wanted to walk over South Korea, there's nothing we could do with 28,500 U.S. troops right there, except for battlefield nukes to prevent it. | ||
| Do you understand? | ||
| The complete wipeout. | ||
| Within hours, they could take Seoul, all of it, be gone. | ||
| Bedazzled. | ||
| Really? | ||
| How many troops does the United States have there? | ||
| 28,500. | ||
| I think that's plenty. | ||
| It's not. | ||
| With the shit we got, son? | ||
| Well, yeah, that's what I'm saying. | ||
| Without battlefield nukes, there's no way to do it. | ||
| They got jets. | ||
| Don't they have jets and fucking tankers and shit, do they? | ||
| They have jets. | ||
| They have jets. | ||
| They're all the same shit. | ||
| What, they get Soviet shit? | ||
| Yeah, and Chinese shit. | ||
| Chinese shit. | ||
| Those motherfuckers. | ||
| Those, man, they fuck up your Nikes. | ||
| Let me tell you what, they can fuck up a jet. | ||
| They would make a fast MIG. Yeah, man. | ||
| And they got a lot of them. | ||
| And they got a shitload of numbers, dude. | ||
| That's the real crazy thing. | ||
| Just on sheer numbers, you couldn't stop that, dude. | ||
| The real crazy thing is China. | ||
| I mean, if you really wanted to have a country, if we are, we're in one sort of a situation like we used to have. | ||
| Like with the United States versus Russia. | ||
| When I was a kid, it was always, everyone was worried that Russia was going to duke the United States. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wolverines! | |
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Red Dawn, right? | ||
| Those motherfuckers. | ||
| Yeah, everybody was concerned that we were going to eventually get involved in some sort of a nuclear exchange. | ||
| And you always heard, oh, we almost came to a nuclear exchange. | ||
| It was a mistake, and we got out of it, and luckily Cooler Heads prevailed. | ||
| Shall we play again? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Would you like to play again? | |
| Shit. | ||
| That was just a little while ago, man. | ||
| We kind of forgot what that's like. | ||
| But China is in the position to be that again. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They are ruthless people. | ||
| They are ruthless. | ||
| They're ruthless, and there's so many of them. | ||
| Look, if you watch some of the HBO specials on some of the shit that's going down in China right now, you know what's really popular? | ||
| What's happening a lot? | ||
| People selling their kids. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| People are having their kids and selling them. | ||
| And they're like 5 and 6 years old. | ||
| Selling them to corporations. | ||
| It's so hot right now. | ||
| Selling them to corporations. | ||
| It's terrifying, man. | ||
| There's a whole show on it where this brother, you know, his brother was 5 and his brother was kidnapped. | ||
| And they kidnapped his brother instead of him because he was 8 and he would have known how to get home. | ||
| So they kidnapped this fucking five-year-old and took him away, and he sold it. | ||
| His father sold it. | ||
| And his father's talking about it. | ||
| He had to sell one of his sons, and he didn't want to, but he had to do it. | ||
| So he went with the younger one because he didn't know any better, and he could trick him. | ||
| There was something along those lines, but he was talking about how he was really upset that the older boy was still mad at him about it. | ||
| Yeah, but these kids are probably the kids that are smoking cigarettes where you see them on the YouTube videos and stuff. | ||
| You're like, this guy's a dick. | ||
| I would sell him for $5. | ||
| He's smoking all my cigarettes. | ||
| I didn't see that at all. | ||
| He's just a little boy, man. | ||
| The little boy whose brother was left behind. | ||
| It was really, really heartbreaking. | ||
| It's horrible! | ||
| He was talking about missing his brother and how his brother was so mad at his father that his father sold his brother. | ||
| I was like, you gotta be fucking shitting me, man. | ||
| Dude, and they're selling him to corporations. | ||
| He's wearing dirty clothes and he's in this fucking shack. | ||
| You know, this little shack with his dad. | ||
| And his dad is trying to explain how he needed the money. | ||
| I'm like, God damn. | ||
| And the only way to citizenship, basically, in Roman times, is to be in the army. | ||
| You know, to go from poverty to grace and stuff is to A, have intellect, okay, to show, you know, an aptitude for military service or science or math or, you know, athletics. | ||
| Or you go to the fucking drones. | ||
| In China, you mean? | ||
| In China. | ||
| You have to be... | ||
| So everybody joins the military in China, too? | ||
| Yeah, it's got a huge fucking military team. | ||
| How big is your military? | ||
| I want to hear a number. | ||
| I know you got one in your head. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| $32,000. | ||
| It's supposedly the third largest overall. | ||
| Third largest army overall. | ||
| When you incorporate it, it's power strength. | ||
| My own power rating is number three. | ||
| But on sheer numbers, if they wanted to, because they have the National Guard, people that aren't in certain areas, they're the National Guard, even though they might work at a factory also. | ||
| Right. | ||
| If you enlist this militia, it's the largest army in the world per number. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| By number. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| That's crazy. | ||
| Way by number. | ||
| But by power, it's only number two. | ||
| It's a whole interesting life that they have there, man. | ||
| All the shit that's going down with these companies that have people working insane hours and people jumping off buildings and shit. | ||
| Just wait, man. | ||
| The whole ConCom thing. | ||
| I read something that was kind of an interesting rebuttal to that ConCom. | ||
| Because it talked about all the suicides that ConCom had, but then it noted that ConCom has over 500,000 employees. | ||
| So is that above average? | ||
| It's not really. | ||
| It's not compared to the population. | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| And, you know, yeah, they're working shit jobs, man. | ||
| Those jobs suck. | ||
| Yeah, they suck. | ||
| They just suck. | ||
| You're going to work on a factory assembly line? | ||
| Yeah, guess what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's not going to be awesome. | |
| Yeah, the screw goes in the hole. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Because Walmart wants to save 17 cents per unit. | ||
| I would start selling kids. | ||
| I could get like $10,000 selling my kids. | ||
| I don't think you get that much. | ||
| I don't think they're that much. | ||
| No, they're not even that much. | ||
| That's what's sad. | ||
| You get like a grand. | ||
| Thank God. | ||
| That's way better than... | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Like six months of work at one of those iPod factories? | ||
| It probably is, but by the time you're done crying, that's right when your money runs out. | ||
| You just got to turn it off. | ||
| You got to turn it off. | ||
| You gotta turn it off and it's your kid? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Good luck with that. | ||
| I think they're not even your kids. | ||
| You're gonna have haunted dreams for the rest of your fucking life, man. | ||
| You just sold your son. | ||
| Ugh. | ||
| Haunted dreams. | ||
| That just goes to show you. | ||
| I couldn't do that, man. | ||
| The apocalypse... | ||
| That'd sell me. | ||
| The apocalypse is everywhere. | ||
| It's just not here yet. | ||
| The apocalypse is everywhere. | ||
| There's different lives that are experiencing it all over the world. | ||
| In individual bases, with individual families and individual situations, there's apocalypses all over Africa. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| All over parts of the world, all over China. | ||
| Horrible Holocaust in Sudan. | ||
| It's insane. | ||
| The shit that's going down in Africa right now, if it was happening in your neighborhood, you would be swearing it was the end of the world. | ||
| You know what they call? | ||
| People run through with machetes and cut people's heads off and hands. | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of hacking to death with machetes. | ||
| And taking kids and getting them drug addicted and shooting cocaine and hair on. | ||
| America should start franchising itself as a brand name. | ||
| Like, hey, we're going to have an America opening up in your neighborhood, and you can have our laws and rules and protection, but it's going to cost you money. | ||
| And it's going to start popping up like Starbucks. | ||
| Franchise America. | ||
| Dude, let's go to the American in Japan. | ||
| It is the largest employer. | ||
| Yeah, that's a great idea. | ||
| We just go to Africa and just jack it. | ||
| Yeah, and then just open up Starbucks. | ||
| I think we already did that, bro. | ||
| We did that once. | ||
| Well, they try to. | ||
| What's going on right now is there's so much war, civil war in the Congo. | ||
| There's a lot of expensive shit in the Congo. | ||
| Fuck yeah, man. | ||
| Minerals and stuff. | ||
| Lithium. | ||
| They just found lithium there. | ||
| So there's the next gold rush. | ||
| The Congo's a fascinating place. | ||
| For your lithium batteries and your fucking technology. | ||
| So much rape and crime and scary shit. | ||
| It's systematic. | ||
| Even UN workers, man. | ||
| People who have worked for the UN are down there raping and killing. | ||
| That's why you need to go to America. | ||
| Yeah, so do you think we can go there and take... | ||
| Don't play any music, bro. | ||
| Go where the food is. | ||
| No, we're going to go on Sirius soon. | ||
| We can't keep doing that. | ||
| You're going to fuck us up, man. | ||
| It's America. | ||
| Yeah, but you don't own that. | ||
| Do you own that? | ||
| Do you own that song? | ||
| I'm friends with the people that do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, you're not. | |
| Call Trey. | ||
| Don't say you're friends. | ||
| Unless you can call that dude right now and go, yo, what up, Trey? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, Trey. | |
| It's Brian. | ||
| He's not going to answer that phone. | ||
| He's going to go, who is this weird fuck? | ||
| He's not going to sue you. | ||
| You don't know that, sir. | ||
| You got to get releases for shit. | ||
| This is the karaoke version, too. | ||
| Oh, that makes it good. | ||
| I still have the same tunes, man. | ||
| I couldn't even hum that song, that door song, in my... | ||
| My Comedy Central special. | ||
| I couldn't go... | ||
| I couldn't do that. | ||
| Couldn't do that. | ||
| You can't do that. | ||
| Because someone owns that. | ||
| And you know what? | ||
| No one gave me any shit when I sampled Kung Fu Fighting in my second special. | ||
| You sampled it? | ||
| You mean you got on stage and sang it? | ||
| Yeah, I hummed it. | ||
| Is there a time when music becomes everyone's property? | ||
| Isn't there like some sort of a thing that happens with books and literature? | ||
| What is the term? | ||
| I think it is. | ||
| I think it's like Christmas songs. | ||
| Anyone can sing a Christmas song. | ||
| That's a public domain song. | ||
| That's exactly what the term is, public domain. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Does that happen with every song? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| I mean, it should really after like a hundred years or something like that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| You know, there's somebody who gets paid on Happy Birthday. | ||
| Yeah, that's pretty nuts. | ||
| Like when you go to Bennigan's, they can't sing Happy Birthday. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So they have some mutant version of it. | |
| Birthday, birthday, birthday, birthday, birthday. | ||
| That's so gross. | ||
| Just do it and see if you get away with it. | ||
| You know where they're going? | ||
| They're going to sue Bennigan's all over the world for singing Happy Birthday. | ||
| That's just gross. | ||
| Whoever would do that, man, what a piece of shit you are. | ||
| You're claiming you own Happy Birthday. | ||
| Just because you own that shit on paper doesn't mean you own Happy Birthday, you fucking weirdo. | ||
| I know, it's everybody's. | ||
| Happy Birthday. | ||
| How can you own that? | ||
| Shit's been around forever. | ||
| Forever. | ||
| Did someone actually write that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Two people, apparently. | ||
| I doubt it. | ||
| That's what they say. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Hey, let's get together and make a song together. | ||
| That's what they do, man. | ||
| They sit down and try to come up with a catchy lingo. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are people following you right now? | |
| On what? | ||
| On this stuff. | ||
| On Twitter? | ||
| Yeah, there's Twitters. | ||
| Oh, no shit. | ||
| See, that's why you need to get into Twitter. | ||
| You know the best thing about Twitter? | ||
| It's like, hey, I'm in Chicago right now. | ||
| What's the best place to eat? | ||
| You'll get instant answers. | ||
| Or, what's the best place to, where can I get some weed? | ||
| You know, instant answers. | ||
| I answer those questions myself. | ||
|
unidentified
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Ha! | |
| It's like instant information, though. | ||
| Can't you just do that yourself, though? | ||
| It's text messaging 8,000 people at once, or how many ever followers you are, so you can send shit out. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| That's a lot of power. | ||
| It's interesting. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Because you have the combined knowledge of 8,000, possibly, if they were all online at the same time. | ||
| Ask one question, so you have the population. | ||
| You definitely get good answers to a lot of shit. | ||
| And if you're an interesting person, you're into things that, you know, fascinating things about science and space, and I know you are, when you tweet those, if you find something online and you find some story like, whoa, check this shit out, you know, they just invented, bam! | ||
| And you put that link up, you put that link up, a bunch of dudes will retweet that link, and then they'll start sending you shit. | ||
| Hey, Ralphie, I know you're into this space shit, check this out, they just discovered this, doom! | ||
| And that's what's going on on my Twitter. | ||
| Have you heard about HAARP? Sure. | ||
| Have you heard about HAARP? Yes. | ||
| That's fucking amazing. | ||
| What have you heard? | ||
| What is your opinion of HARP? That we are secretly having a war. | ||
| We are attacking Pakistan, China, India, Bangladesh, and Indonesia, that whole area, a region. | ||
| So what are we doing to them? | ||
| We're causing flooding, like beyond all time that's ever been recorded. | ||
| Concentration of earthquakes, that we're relieving the pressure, that we're moving the ionosphere. - Wait a minute. | ||
| Where are you getting all this, man? | ||
| Are you sure about all this? | ||
| Yeah, it's called HAARP. No, I'm not sure. | ||
| But that's what I'm saying. | ||
| I mean, are you sure? | ||
| I know what you're saying. | ||
| I know that the floods this year were the greatest of all time. | ||
| According to USGS, they have a higher rate of... | ||
| We're in a very high earthquake for Asia, Central Asia, and South Asia. | ||
| Yeah, but Ralphie, that easily could be because of cycles of the earth. | ||
| That doesn't mean shit. | ||
| What we've studied as far as earthquakes and floods and the history of weather and disasters, we're dealing with a tiny fraction. | ||
| Of the time that the Earth has existed. | ||
| Our data is so small. | ||
| So when you say something like, you know, there's record earthquakes, there's record floods, the record is like you just woke up and the phone rang and you're like, this phone has rang a record number of times today. | ||
| Because it only rang once. | ||
| Because you've only been awake for five minutes. | ||
| Our knowledge of the Earth is so fucking minuscule that any time people get crazy and start saying things like, oh, there's a record number of earthquakes, it must be because someone's attacking Pakistan with a lightning bolt that goes into the sky. | ||
| It's not necessarily the fact. | ||
| That sounds sexy as fuck. | ||
| That sounds sexy as fuck. | ||
| That makes me very nervous. | ||
| But I don't think it's that simple. | ||
| I don't think it's that simple. | ||
| I think, who knows what it is. | ||
| It's a research project. | ||
| It's a high-frequency, active aurora research program. | ||
| We don't know exactly what they're doing. | ||
| They could be doing a bunch of different things. | ||
| They could be trying to charge up the ionosphere. | ||
| But the idea that they're, somehow they're shooting something into space and attacking Pakistan, dude. | ||
| Someone's bullshitting you. | ||
| Because that is not what's happening. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| There's just no evidence that points to that at all. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
|
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|
There's all these fucking people that want everything to be sexy. | |
| They want everything to be sexy. | ||
| They want everything to be, the government's attacking us from space. | ||
| They want everything to be a conspiracy. | ||
| And the problem with that kind of thinking is it fucks up the ones that are real conspiracies because there's a lot of them. | ||
| There's plenty of real ones. | ||
| I think that's a real, because it's a real place. | ||
| They're definitely doing real research, but I don't know what that is, and I don't think you do either. | ||
| And I think until we do know, you can't really say that. | ||
| You can't just go and say they're attacking Pakistan with shit from the sky. | ||
| No, but that's the latest theory. | ||
| By who? | ||
| Alex Jones' half-retarded illegitimate brother? | ||
| Who? | ||
| I like Jesse Ventura, but there's a lot of conspiracy theories. | ||
| I was a Navy SEAL. You should listen to me. | ||
| I was there in the shit. | ||
| I ain't got time to believe it. | ||
| Yeah, I listen to him, too, and I think he's another guy that's looking for things to be sexy. | ||
| He wants conspiracies. | ||
| There's plenty of goddamn conspiracies that are real. | ||
| But when you start looking for them in everything and saying that you know, things get fucking squirrely, man. | ||
| No, I just know that they're fucking with the ionosphere and they're bombarding it. | ||
| Sure, but I don't know. | ||
| I don't know what they're doing or why they're doing it. | ||
| It could be some sort of weather experimentation. | ||
| It could be some sort of experimentation as far as recharging the magnetosphere or changing things. | ||
| Or keeping the poles straight. | ||
| Who the fuck knows what they're doing? | ||
| I don't have a goddamn clue. | ||
| I know. | ||
| That's why I really want to know more about it. | ||
| There's a crazy one was Operation Starfish Prime. | ||
| I believe that's what it was called. | ||
| They shot a nuke up into space and blew it up. | ||
| Yeah, they exploded a nuke. | ||
| Way more fucking dangerous. | ||
| They did it in the 50s. | ||
| The Russians did it. | ||
| Well, the Americans did it. | ||
| We did it first. | ||
| We blew it up inside the Van Allen radiation belts like they were going to try to punch a hole through the Van Allen radiation belts. | ||
| Everything up, man. | ||
| It made it way more radioactive. | ||
| The whole thing is a disaster up there. | ||
| It'll be like that for a billion years and shit. | ||
| Yeah, it's fucking done. | ||
| But it fucked up. | ||
| It stopped power in New Zealand, to Australia, to Los Angeles. | ||
| The EM pulse was so much more magnified because of where it was. | ||
| It's really trippy when you go back in time and look at how many different things that human beings did where they just took a chance. | ||
| Let's see what happens when we just blow up a nuclear bomb in space. | ||
| Let's just shoot it up there and blow it up. | ||
| And they all sat around and thought about it and go, can we do that? | ||
| Yeah, we can do that. | ||
| John Wayne made a movie called Genghis Khan in the crater of a fucking nuke. | ||
| We surface detonated and then like eight years later they made a film in the crater. | ||
|
unidentified
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Really? | |
| That's why everybody on that fucking movie died of cancer. | ||
| I did hear that he had done some movie and they filmed it somewhere near where they're doing nuclear experiments. | ||
| But I didn't know they filmed it in the crater. | ||
| In the fucking crater, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Gotta go back to Google. | ||
| Ralphie May requires a lot of Google for me to agree with him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm sorry, brother. | |
| I'm sorry. | ||
| Okay, so it's John Wayne. | ||
| John Wayne. | ||
| By all. | ||
| Genghis Khan. | ||
| How do you spell Genghis? | ||
| G-E-N. Multiple spellings, but I think it's G-E-N-G-H-I-S. G-H-I-S. And then Khan. | ||
| K-H-A-N. That was the role that he played. | ||
| I don't know if it was the name of the movie. | ||
| Everybody on that fucking thing, from the set directors to catering died of cancer. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Did Genghis Khan nuke John Wayne? | ||
| Right away, man. | ||
| Right away the story's about it. | ||
| Creepy fucking right, right? | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
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Goddamn. | |
| He was also a two-pack-a-day smoker. | ||
| Extensive, above-ground nuclear weapons testing occurred at the test site as part of Operation Upshot Knothole. | ||
| I'm telling you, man. | ||
| That's where the pictures come from. | ||
| They just used to do shit back there. | ||
| But in 1981, 91 of them had developed some form of cancer and 46 had died of the cancer. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| So out of 220 people in the entire cast and crew, almost half of them That would be their continuous exposure over multiple weeks. | ||
| But they filmed really fast back then. | ||
| So it wasn't even like it was nowadays. | ||
| I wonder how long they were there for. | ||
| Yeah, but what if they just all ate red M&Ms or something like that, you know? | ||
| What if it was just something else? | ||
| I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact they were in a fucking nuclear crater. | ||
| They were in a crater blown up by a... | ||
| Atomic bomb. | ||
| A half-life of 5,000 years and you're just chilling there filming. | ||
| Take-toe. | ||
| I wasn't feeling that one. | ||
| Can we get another take on that one? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| How pissed would you be? | ||
| How pissed would you be? | ||
| You didn't know? | ||
| You didn't know? | ||
| The actors don't know? | ||
| You think John Wayne knew? | ||
| He didn't know? | ||
| Nobody knew. | ||
| The producers didn't know either. | ||
| That's a crazy thing. | ||
| No one knew. | ||
| Well, they got cheap shooting. | ||
| They fucking knew that. | ||
| That's not that long ago, man. | ||
| That's like the 1960s and shit. | ||
| Yeah, it was in the 60s, right? | ||
| I'm nuts at people. | ||
| We didn't know shit just then. | ||
| That's like 50 years ago, man. | ||
| We didn't know shit then. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| That's incredible. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Where's your survival place? | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| I'll go back to Colorado when the shit hits the fan. | ||
| You still have your place in Colorado? | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| I only leased it. | ||
| I leased it for a year. | ||
| I might totally go back there. | ||
| My safe place would be the shower curled up in the fetal position. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm going to kiss you in the cheek before I drive off into the background. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| Take it later. | ||
| Zombie hordes. | ||
| They'll be coming for you, son. | ||
| Man, it will get very... | ||
| Within days, metropolitan areas will be... | ||
| With the interruption of basic service... | ||
| I'd probably go right to Guam. | ||
| Yeah, that's the problem. | ||
| It only needs to be out for a couple of weeks. | ||
| Look what happened in the fucking horrors that happened in Katrina. | ||
| That's terrible, man. | ||
| I've watched documentaries on that shit. | ||
| Horrific what that city went through. | ||
| It's like the civilization just shut down. | ||
| Shut the fuck down. | ||
| And it took a matter of days. | ||
| Tell you what, you take fresh water and electricity away from people, and they go fucking cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. | ||
| It is amazing when you see the difference. | ||
| They don't know how to survive. | ||
| Well, yeah, nobody does. | ||
| And they go animal. | ||
| And it's hot as fuck there. | ||
| It's scary. | ||
| Well, you're not supposed to be there. | ||
| The whole city's not supposed to be there. | ||
| Yeah, it's not supposed to be underwater like that. | ||
| That's the crazy thing. | ||
| It's below sea level. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So you have walls up to keep the ocean out? | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| And this is where you keep your shit? | ||
| This is where you sleep? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I know it's awesome. | ||
| But why is it awesome? | ||
| It's awesome because there's people that are awesome. | ||
| Why not move the awesome people? | ||
| Let's all make an agreement. | ||
| Let's all move our awesomeness up to higher ground. | ||
| If they hadn't had this recession, they were talking about the largest public's work thing ever. | ||
| They were going to detour the Mississippi and Jesus Christ! | ||
| An incredible waste of money. | ||
| But they were going to build all this thing. | ||
| And the idea is because it's so awesome. | ||
| New Orleans is so awesome. | ||
| Yeah, that it needs to be protected. | ||
| It's kind of crazy, man, because it's not like there's a lack of places to move to. | ||
| There's a lot of spots in this country that you could relocate. | ||
| How many people are living in New Orleans, though? | ||
| It's got to be like a million, right? | ||
| Yeah, easy. | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| But, you know, it's a great generator for Louisiana. | ||
| That's the real problem. | ||
| It's like moving them quick, impossible. | ||
| It's just too many people. | ||
| Well, man, I know Houston's not the same since Katrina. | ||
| But they should have slowed. | ||
| It's not, right? | ||
| It's really not, dude. | ||
| It's really fucking not. | ||
| I mean, the murder rate went up like 340%. | ||
| Dude, well, we were there right afterwards, and you could see, like, all these people that had been displaced. | ||
| They were all over the streets of downtown. | ||
| Like, whoa, this is, like, way different than it was just a year ago. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| The whole New Orleans thing has got to suck because New Orleans, like, everybody talks about how great the city is. | ||
| Like, people fucking love that place. | ||
| They love it, man. | ||
| They love it. | ||
| So the fact that it's, like, in this shit spot, like, fuck, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What I was saying is nonsense about moving it. | ||
| You really could never move it. | ||
| You never recreate it. | ||
| It wouldn't work. | ||
| It's a terrible idea. | ||
| It'd be Disney. | ||
| It's too bad they didn't slowly fucking creep back into an area and keep New Orleans, but slowly move back away from where the water will hit. | ||
| I lived in New Orleans for like six months. | ||
| Did you? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was cooking at Nola's. | ||
| And there's a lot of people in New Orleans that believe, again, because it happened once in the 60s, during, I think it was Camille, that white people from Lake Pontchartrain blew up, dynamited the levees. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Isn't this like a Spike Lee conspiracy? | ||
| No, that's a fact. | ||
| It's a fact? | ||
| It's a fact. | ||
| And that people heard loud explosions... | ||
| That were still on their roofs. | ||
| The majority of them died when they drowned. | ||
| Okay, so these people, they blew up the levees to drown the black people? | ||
| No, to drain Lake Pontchartrain. | ||
| Because it's Lake Pontchartrain with the largest amount of water you're keeping back. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And the areas that it happened to be are the 9th. | ||
| So why did they want to do that? | ||
| To save the white communities on Pontchartrain. | ||
| The really expensive homes. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| So they had to drain it because those homes were going to get encroached by water? | ||
| Yeah, the water was about to flood them. | ||
| Oh, so they jacked everybody by breaking the dams and then killing a bunch of people. | ||
| A bunch of people must have died, right? | ||
| Yeah, that's where I think 95% of the casualties from Katrina happened was the flooding. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And people go, you know, you've got time. | ||
| And it's like, no, you're not. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| That water's coming in at like, you know, a foot every second. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it's like, you can't. | ||
| Where the fuck you go? | ||
| Could you fucking imagine getting stuck in your house because there's water outside up to the second floor? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Crazy. | ||
| And you're stuck in the attic, and then outside it's 108 degrees, and you're baking, and that's when people die. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And there was a big, big, big problem with the amount of response and the quickness of the response by the government. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| I mean, in 18 hours we can be in fucking Afghanistan with 10,000 troops. | ||
| In 18 hours. | ||
| We couldn't go to New Orleans. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| There's no money. | ||
| There's no money in being able to go to New Orleans. | ||
| It's crazy, man. | ||
| The money is in going to countries with tanks and taking care of business and owning shit. | ||
| I know, but it's like Anderson Cooper's there going, hey, this is all falling shit. | ||
| Oh, well, we don't watch CNN. We watch Fox News and Bill O'Reilly says that those white people should have left and fuck them. | ||
| Did he really say that? | ||
| No, no, he did not say that. | ||
| No, no, he just gives off attitude. | ||
| Fox News gives off an attitude that's shared by a lot of people. | ||
| Those people knew that the hurricane was coming and they should just leave. | ||
| But life on the Gulf, if you ever lived there, you never think you're going to get a fucking hit. | ||
| You have parties. | ||
| Yeah, you have parties. | ||
| And the truth is that power is out for a week, week and a half, two weeks. | ||
| If you can take it, fuck it, there'll be ice. | ||
| You'll be able to stay in your house. | ||
| You won't get looted. | ||
| But you're also talking about people who are dirt poor, that don't have a disposable... | ||
| In case the fucking hurricane hits right now, I've got $500 to take me to Houston to where my relatives are. | ||
| Well, on an individual basis, you could always understand everybody's own problems in getting out of there. | ||
| But, as you look at it objectively, they're right. | ||
| The people that are saying, why are they living there? | ||
| They're right. | ||
| You really shouldn't be living in a place where you're that close to some sort of catastrophe. | ||
| The Army Corps of Engineers has fucked it up. | ||
| The Army Corps of Engineers fucked it up? | ||
| Yeah, when they dredged and they put the intercoastal channel in, they stopped the wetlands from being formed. | ||
| The natural delta effect of the Mississippi is to meander, and they fixed it so they had proper channels for shipping. | ||
| Oh yeah? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And what's happening is it's eroding coastline. | ||
| And coastline is going further and further back. | ||
| Instead of being constantly built up, it's being allowed to erode. | ||
| And that's why hurricanes over the future are going to be more damaging to the city of New Orleans. | ||
| And why is that important? | ||
| Because 80% of, well I know as soon as Katrina happened, there was no fuel in Nashville. | ||
| There was no fuel. | ||
| There was no gas stations. | ||
| And it got crazy quick. | ||
| And people were having to go out and see their neighbor and say, hey, do you have gas? | ||
| Yes, I do. | ||
| I need to go shopping. | ||
| I do too. | ||
| Great. | ||
| Then when do you want to go? | ||
| It was crazy. | ||
| We have enough gas to go shopping. | ||
| And this was in Nashville? | ||
| In Nashville. | ||
| How long did this go on for? | ||
| It was going on for like two and a half weeks. | ||
| Didn't it happen in Georgia too? | ||
| It happened in a lot of places. | ||
| Because that happened while we were in Atlanta while that was going down. | ||
| And the people were talking about it when we were working at the punchline. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And the employees were talking about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| There was no gas and people were waiting in line. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Giant lines to get in. | ||
| Giant lines. | ||
| And as soon as you sell, people were going on their CBs and internet and looking for trucks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
True. | |
| I mean, you know, any tanker that was going through was being diverted. | ||
| Dude, we don't know how close we are to the tit. | ||
| Dude, we are less than eight hours away from total catastrophe at any time. | ||
| God damn it, Ralphie Mae. | ||
| Why are you bringing this doom and gloom here? | ||
| I'm just trying to say positive. | ||
| I'm trying to be positive. | ||
| I'm just trying to tell you that you're right to train and be UFC and be fucking, you know, closer to your chimp. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Because we are very close, you know, with our fucking iPhones and everything like this and Twitter and all this shit. | ||
| You know, we've got this amazing amount of power that electromagnetic pulse would knock out completely. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Or or say say fucking terrorist, you know, instead of instead of going for the fucking towers. | ||
| All right. | ||
| They flew into that fucking Indian River fucking nuclear facility, you know, that's between Poughkeepsie and New York and irradiated all in New York. | ||
| Or hypernovas. | ||
| I was watching this documentary. | ||
| Hypernovas? | ||
| Hypernovas. | ||
| In other galaxies. | ||
| These hypernovas, when they first started recording them, they had no idea that anything could emit this much power. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Power. | |
| The hypernovas have so much power, they have more power than all the stars in the sky combined. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they happen all the time. | ||
| They happen a couple times a day. | ||
| All throughout the day they're happening. | ||
| And these massive waves of energy, cosmic rays. | ||
| And it's this just fucking massive supernova, sun-exploding event. | ||
| Like a ripple. | ||
| That would just destroy the entire galaxy. | ||
| Just cut through it and just rape everything, leave everything there and dead and just cook the galaxy. | ||
| It would start anew. | ||
| And then just go it off. | ||
| They all go it off in the sky. | ||
| Pop. | ||
|
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|
Pop. | |
| Jesus. | ||
| It's going off, dude. | ||
| It's fucking mind-blowing what's out there. | ||
| Beyond mind-blowing. | ||
| What could kill all of us? | ||
| It was a great special on PBS. I don't know if you saw the documentary. | ||
| I don't need to watch that shit. | ||
| I don't think like that all the time. | ||
| Or you're just at Walmart and somebody stabs you. | ||
| You're a kid in Milwaukee. | ||
| Brian's scared of Walmart. | ||
| Let's get to the heart of this. | ||
| Does anybody ever pull a knife on you in Walmart? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| There's tons of weapons there. | ||
| Someone pulled a knife on you at Walmart. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| No, but I've seen tons of knives. | ||
| I've never had a supernova in my face. | ||
| Yeah, that's true too. | ||
| Some douchebag cholo supernova. | ||
| I want to start some shit. | ||
| Cosmically, we were wearing Chargers jerseys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We got stabbed by our Raiders fans. | |
| Dude, I was reading some article online about they're watching these two galaxies collide somewhere, and they're just starting to record this. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The galaxies hit each other, dude. | ||
| Just stop and think about that shit. | ||
| You could get hit by a planet. | ||
| Well, you know, everything has gravity, so the sun is the most dense thing in the solar system, and it's spinning in something more dense to make it spin in that area that rotates something else that's even denser to cause it to have a gravitational spin while exponentially space is expanding out to infinity, and it just fucking blows your mind, dude. | ||
| When you start listening to Carl Sagan and you start listening to Stephen Hawking and shit like that, it's fucking mind-blowing. | ||
| It's amazing we're as calm as we are about it all. | ||
| It's amazing we just... | ||
| Isn't it? | ||
| You kind of have to. | ||
| You just accept it. | ||
| You have to accept a certain level of anxiety and panic. | ||
| And it's like, what the fuck? | ||
| And there we are, back to religion. | ||
| It's not me, it's God. | ||
| The big thing with the real serious conspiracy theorists is the 2012 thing. | ||
| That's the big one. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I thought bullshit. | ||
| The Mayan calendar. | ||
| The Anunnaki connection. | ||
| That's when the big planet that's on an elliptical orbit that's 3,600 years away, it comes around and comes into our atmosphere every 3,600 years. | ||
| And that's where we learned everything. | ||
| That's where the Anunnaki came from. | ||
| They taught us how to mine for gold for them. | ||
| It's pretty trippy, dude. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| I love it, man. | ||
| Did you see that fucking shit that passed between us and the moon? | ||
| That big meteor? | ||
| Which time? | ||
| It sounded a bunch of times. | ||
| Yeah, but I mean, the one that just happened like a month ago. | ||
| No, I didn't pay attention to that. | ||
| Was it a big one? | ||
| It was fucking big as a semi. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, it hits. | ||
| It explodes in the fucking atmosphere and we have what they did in Siberia in 1918. Would it really? | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| Something that size could do that? | ||
| Yes! | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It's fucking amazing! | ||
| You know that plane that we were talking about? | ||
| The supersonic jet was going 2,000 miles an hour, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The asteroids that hit, a lot of them are going 45,000 miles an hour. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| Stop and think about that. | ||
| Vaporization. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just... | |
| Screaming through space and slamming into the Earth. | ||
| The one that killed the dinosaurs, within the first second, it was five miles deep into the Earth. | ||
| Wow! | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| That's the one off the Yucatan Peninsula, right? | ||
| Within the first second, it was five miles deep into the earth. | ||
| You won't even see that. | ||
| Maybe on the other side, no, it's the speed of light. | ||
| It would be a flash and you'd be gone. | ||
| Dude, that would suck hard. | ||
| And you know what would suck harder? | ||
| Living. | ||
| You couldn't. | ||
| If you fucking lived through that, you're just some scurrying, egg-stealing rat. | ||
| If this thing hits like it did, it would turn continents over. | ||
| The ultimate trip to think that 65 million years ago there was none of this. | ||
| There was none of us. | ||
| Nothing even close. | ||
| No flowering plants. | ||
| Everything was totally different. | ||
| 65 million years old. | ||
| Crazy, isn't it? | ||
| Giant lizards that just fucked each other up. | ||
| Just ate all day? | ||
| They ate each other. | ||
| All giant lizards cannibalizing each other. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can't wait to watch some trees. | |
| They found out that T-Rex was a huge cannibal. | ||
| That's the most recent discovery. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Huge cannibal. | ||
| Yeah, they just ate everything. | ||
| They attacked everything. | ||
| They ate each other. | ||
| They also found out that one dinosaur didn't even exist, though, so I don't even... | ||
| Triceratops. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, they found out that it existed. | ||
| No, it exists, but they didn't know that it was just the mature version of another dinosaur. | ||
| What if there was only one dinosaur that lived and it was a huge alien that ate all these other creatures and barfed it out throughout the Earth? | ||
| You know, that none of these animals actually even lived on Earth. | ||
| It was just another alien that barfed it everywhere. | ||
| You know, like this big alien came from another planet and he just like, barf, barf. | ||
| Yeah, and he did that for 250 million years. | ||
| That adds up to the carbon dating of all these fossils. | ||
| The fuck's wrong with you, Matt? | ||
| You live in a cartoon world, son. | ||
| No, it was just this one huge dinosaur that visited Earth once in a while. | ||
| He's like, I'm just gonna go barf on Earth for a bit. | ||
| What if we're just a toilet? | ||
| We don't even know. | ||
| Brian, that is... | ||
| You got brain damage. | ||
| You need to find out what happened. | ||
| That actually makes more sense than a lot of things. | ||
| Oh, it totally makes sense. | ||
| No, I agree with you. | ||
| That a big giant dinosaur barfed out all these dinosaurs that are here. | ||
| That's totally what happened. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Bones from eating them. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| That's totally what happened. | ||
| Like, he shit it out. | ||
| He shit it out. | ||
| He ate them all. | ||
| Over hundreds of millions of years. | ||
| He totally did it. | ||
| And throughout the entire evolutionary chain where you can see where they had legs and then all of a sudden they learn how to walk. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're probably all different species because we don't know what species is in different ways. | |
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| That one dinosaur that they just said didn't exist just found out it was a younger version of another dinosaur. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, so all these other species and all these other dinosaurs, we don't have any idea if this dinosaur is this dinosaur. | ||
| We find out new shit all the time. | ||
| We find out new shit all the time, but they know most of what happened. | ||
| The only thing that's really weird about any fossils is that most things when they die do not leave a fossil. | ||
| When you die, most likely you're not going to leave a fossil. | ||
| You leave a fossil if you die in a mudslide. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Pompeii. | ||
| Yeah, animals come along and eat your bones, and that's a wrap. | ||
| This monster likes to eat dinosaurs and mud. | ||
| Like bear, for instance. | ||
| Here's a perfect example. | ||
| It's very difficult to find dead bears. | ||
| To find dead anything. | ||
| We know bears die all the time, but you don't really run into their bodies that often. | ||
| That's because they eat them. | ||
| They eat them, and rats eat them, and something eats the bones, and coyotes eat them, and the bones get crushed up and ground up. | ||
| If you don't come up on it within a matter of a week... | ||
| I don't know how long it takes, but... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Sometimes you, I mean, I've been walking through the woods in Arkansas and walked up on a deer carcass. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, where a whole deer, you know, with its antlers and everything. | ||
| So the point is, if you want to find a fossilized deer, good luck. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Good luck. | ||
| Good luck. | ||
| I mean, deer have been around for who knows how long, let's say a million years or so. | ||
| Is that long enough to make a fossil? | ||
| Where's the fossilized deer? | ||
| Well, they're in the tar pits. | ||
| They're in shit like that. | ||
| Right, shit like that. | ||
| Perfect example. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The Pleistocene, you know, ended just 10,000 years ago. | ||
| I just found that out recently that, like, saber-toothed tigers and woolly mammoths, they existed just a little over 10,000 years ago. | ||
| Right where we are. | ||
| That is incredible. | ||
| Right where we are. | ||
| Wrap your head around that. | ||
| Woolly mammoths were just 10,000 years ago. | ||
| Dude, wrap your mind around this. | ||
| There's scientists that want to recreate the woolly mammoth. | ||
| Oh, I've seen that. | ||
| Russian scientists. | ||
| Yeah, they've got the DNA. As a food source. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| As a huge food source in very barren lands. | ||
| Yeah, they're talking about how they could survive easily. | ||
| On lichens? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they would just fucking butcher them and cook up the elephant meat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I bet it's delicious. | |
| What do you think elephant is like? | ||
| Oh, I bet it's like bison or whatever it's called. | ||
| Bison? | ||
| Bison. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I bet it's like bison. | ||
| Well, they're a totally different type of animal, though. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, bisons are related to horses and shit. | ||
| It's like the same hoofed animals. | ||
| They're different, but they're related. | ||
| I don't think elephants in that. | ||
| I think that's a totally different thing, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I don't know. | ||
| Elephants, that's where they would incubate the embryo. | ||
| So in Africa, do people eat a lot of elephants? | ||
| Is that a common thing? | ||
| They used to. | ||
| I know they still hunt them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| People don't understand that they kind of have to hunt them in some places. | ||
| Some places they overpopulate and they start fucking with the people that live there and trampling houses and shit. | ||
| They'll kill you if you're fucking dead, dude. | ||
| Like most, I mean, it's horrible that any elephant, elephants are fantastic animals, but it's horrible that any of them have to get killed. | ||
| If people are going to live there and elephants are going to live there, you're going to have to choose between elephants and people. | ||
| Or you're going to have to move those elephants and get them somehow the fuck out of there. | ||
| Or move the people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a tricky thing, man. | ||
| Elephant ears are delicious. | ||
| Apparently. | ||
| What the fuck is wrong with you today? | ||
| I would assume they're just leathery. | ||
| I mean, I got hit by an elephant. | ||
| Do you still have that elephant horn, the ivory dildo? | ||
| Do you still have that? | ||
| What? | ||
| You don't remember that? | ||
| No. | ||
| Okay, whatever. | ||
| You don't remember an ivory dildo, dude, that escapes you? | ||
| Really? | ||
| What? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| See, I'm doing what you do now, stupid. | ||
| I'm just making shit up. | ||
| Not fun, is it? | ||
| Yeah, not so good for conversation, is it? | ||
| That was actually a possibility, though. | ||
| You might have an ivory dildo. | ||
| Did I black out? | ||
| I've seen, like, I've met somebody that has, like, something ivory that's like, why is that ivory? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's bad. | |
| And I'm trying to think, like, oh, did I did a girl that had an ivory dildo? | ||
| The thing about ivory is there's a ban on ivory, but they harvested so many tusks before the ban that it's readily available. | ||
| You can buy pre-ban ivory, it's called. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| And you've got to look at it this way. | ||
| Those animals were already murdered, and they were murdered for their horns, their tusks. | ||
| And you should do something with it. | ||
| I mean, someone should either have it and buy it as a decoration because it's beautiful, and to remind people that these majestic animals live and they have these crazy horns, or use it to make things out of them. | ||
| But otherwise, you're just wasting the fact that these things died. | ||
| They don't make soap out of ivory. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| No, but it is good soap. | ||
| What the fuck is wrong with you? | ||
| I know. | ||
| Again, soap. | ||
| Dude, you are like the perfect child. | ||
| You're like the child. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So strange working with you. | |
| It is good soap, though. | ||
| Ivory soap is perfect. | ||
| It's all you need, right? | ||
| Do you guys use soap or do you go to the liquid soap? | ||
| Because I recently switched back to soap because I saw some study about how dirty and gross soap is. | ||
| And then I went to body soap instead. | ||
| And then I recently went back to body soap. | ||
| I use this stuff called Defense Soap. | ||
| It's all for grappling. | ||
| It's soap that's designed with all these natural oils in it, like tea tree oil and stuff like that, eucalyptus oil. | ||
| It smells great, and it's probiotic, so it encourages healthy bacteria and kills negative bacteria. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stuff. | |
| Wow. | ||
| Kills everything bad off your body, but it's not antibiotic, or it's not antibacterial, so it doesn't fuck with the natural chemistry of your skin. | ||
| It actually enhances it, and it smells good, and it's healthy. | ||
| It's really good for your skin, and it's great for after jiu-jitsu, because when you do jiu-jitsu, you always worry about getting skin rashes, whether it's ringworm, or some people get staph infections from scratches and shit like that. | ||
| Do you use a washcloth? | ||
| When you shower with eating soap? | ||
| Sometimes. | ||
| I use a couple different things. | ||
| See, I gave up on the sponge things in my hand, which is the shit. | ||
| Yeah, but doesn't the bacteria and all that crap get on that? | ||
| I use a fresh one. | ||
| You use the same one? | ||
| See, I don't use any one. | ||
| I just use my hand. | ||
| I think you clean the sponge off, man. | ||
| You wash the sponge off. | ||
| I don't think it's fucking rocket science. | ||
| Can't be too much of a pussy. | ||
| Can't be worried about bacteria in your sponge. | ||
| Get that fucking soap in there. | ||
| You'll be fine. | ||
| But yeah, the defense soap is the shit. | ||
| If you want to try it out, you go to defensesoap.com, I think. | ||
| The guy who owns the company is a guy. | ||
| His kids wrestle. | ||
| He's always been around wrestling. | ||
| He got tired of... | ||
| All these kids getting ringworm. | ||
| So he developed a soap that was a natural soap to combat ringworm. | ||
| Because a lot of people, they go and get antibacterial soaps. | ||
| And that antibacterial, it kills all the good bacteria, too. | ||
| Yeah, it makes it worse. | ||
| What you need to do is take probiotics. | ||
| What people don't know, it's one of the most important things, too, when cold season comes around, man. | ||
| Wash your fucking hands. | ||
| Wash your fucking hands, but take probiotics. | ||
| Take, like, acidophilus. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Our kids are on there. | ||
| Yeah, and kombucha tea is a good one, too. | ||
| And the reason being is because these are aggressive, healthy bacteria. | ||
| And when you come in contact with shitty bacteria, your aggressive, healthy bacteria that you're getting from the acidophilus will actually fight it off. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it keeps your body healthy and strong, strengthens your immune system. | ||
| Wash your fucking hands and take that shit, and we'll have... | ||
| Half the problems we have here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I do. | |
| I have the hand sanitizer thing like crazy nowadays. | ||
| Our friend Johnny Rotten was telling us a great story last night about soap. | ||
| This is a fucking amazing story. | ||
| Maybe we should wait until he gets here. | ||
| Well, I'm talking about it right now. | ||
| We'll have him come back on. | ||
| I don't know the full details anyway, but I can't just tease people like that. | ||
| Tune in next week when maybe we might have Johnny Rotten. | ||
| While we tease him with the Guam story. | ||
| Anyway, what happens is... | ||
| We'll go back to that. | ||
| Don't worry. | ||
| What this guy figured out was that there was soap in hotel rooms. | ||
| And he would go and he would wash once with it and he would put it back. | ||
| And he thought, what happens to that soap? | ||
| Do they throw it out? | ||
| So he contacted all these major chains of hotels and says, what do you do with your soap when someone uses it once and just tosses it out? | ||
| They go, well, we just throw them away. | ||
| And he said, well, you know that there's an incredible amount of people die of just diarrhea and children die in third world countries because they don't have soap to wash their hands with. | ||
| And they're just... | ||
| Diarrhea, dying of diarrhea and all that crap. | ||
| So this guy decides that he's going to organize this foundation to collect soap from these hospitals and they clean off the soap and then they redistribute it to all these poor places and they're saving people's lives left and right. | ||
| Amazing, amazing shit, man. | ||
| Amazing. | ||
| But that just shows you how close we are without soap. | ||
| Well, it just shows you how what's really going on is we're fighting off organisms all the time. | ||
| There's a constant battle for organisms. | ||
| Yeah, and you'd think that there'd be something that would, since there's six, seven billion people on Earth now, that there would be some microbe that, just like in everything nature, when the population gets out of control, there has to be something that calls the herd. | ||
| Well, there is. | ||
| We just keep killing them. | ||
| We keep finding vaccines for them. | ||
| We keep finding ways around it. | ||
| But without a doubt, that's what they're doing. | ||
| But like, you know, antibiotic-resistant tuberculosis. | ||
| Or MRSA. Staph infection. | ||
| That's a perfect one because it actually comes from hospitals. | ||
| I mean, people get it in hospitals. | ||
| And it also is one of those things where they suspect that a lot of what this stuff comes from is people taking their antibiotics but not finishing the full cycle. | ||
| So when you take antibiotics and you only take it for a couple of days and you go, I think I feel okay. | ||
| Well, you haven't killed off all that bacteria. | ||
| So the bacteria that lives is stronger because of it. | ||
| And it's constantly evolving. | ||
| And then it gets transmitted to someone else. | ||
| Because it's so small. | ||
| So by fighting things off, we're creating even stronger things. | ||
| And by our own stupidity and negligence in using... | ||
| Yeah, and not just giving a shit. | ||
| Yeah, you gotta take probiotics, people. | ||
| If you learn anything from this show, it's that. | ||
| And that Ralphie May got arrested in Guam. | ||
| So, Ralphie. | ||
| Do you get strep throat a lot? | ||
| That's funny, though. | ||
| I'm not even answering you. | ||
| All right, so meanwhile, back an hour ago. | ||
| Back in Guam. | ||
| Okay, Marianas Trench, deepest trench in the world. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| You had this bag in that you just... | ||
| No, no, let him go. | ||
| I had a backpack. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And at the bottom of it, I had 14 grams and a smelly-proof bag. | ||
| Jesus Christ, 14 grams, that's almost a pound. | ||
| No, 14 grams is half an ounce. | ||
| Half an ounce. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've got ounces instead of grams. | |
| Okay, so 14 grams is almost an ounce. | ||
| Why do you have that much weed? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| It's half an ounce. | ||
| What is half an ounce? | ||
| 14 grams. | ||
| 14 grams. | ||
| So why do you have that much weed? | ||
| I thought I took it all out. | ||
| I took out three and a half ounces. | ||
| You know what's annoying about grams and shit? | ||
| Grams are metric. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay, but ounces are not. | ||
| Ounces are the standard. | ||
| That's what we use. | ||
| So we have all this shit mixed up. | ||
| Like grams are mixed up with ounces. | ||
| If you do a joke about grams, the only people who get it are drug addicts. | ||
| People who know drugs. | ||
| We're serial lovers. | ||
| I always get them fucking confused. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Teddy grams. | |
| It's weird that they're from a different system. | ||
| That when we get low, we use grams. | ||
| But when someone talks to me about centimeters, I have to go, okay, what? | ||
| Who's that? | ||
| I think it's like 1.34. | ||
| I'm always dealing with kilograms, too, because of fights. | ||
| 2.2 pounds. | ||
| When we do fights in Europe, the weirdest one is in England. | ||
| They have stone. | ||
| Stones, right? | ||
| Yeah, which is, I believe it's somewhere around 13 pounds. | ||
| Stone. | ||
| He'll say he's 10 stone. | ||
| That means you're like 130 pounds. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| How weird is that? | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| Yeah, what does that mean? | ||
| They got a lot of leftover shit. | ||
| Yeah, like horses with hands and stuff like that. | ||
| What? | ||
| Horses with hands. | ||
| Horses with hands? | ||
| Yeah, they measure a horse's height by its hands. | ||
| I mean, they call it hands. | ||
| Oh, a person's hand? | ||
| How many hands do you stack for a person? | ||
| Yeah, I think it's like 8.4 inches is one hand. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| So like a horse stands like 12 hands. | ||
| Big fucking horse. | ||
| How strange is the whole fucking measuring system being different everywhere? | ||
| You know? | ||
| Inches and kilometers and miles. | ||
| That's what they try to do with the metric. | ||
| They tried. | ||
| We were all supposed to convert, and Megan just said, fuck it. | ||
| Isn't that weird that we didn't do that? | ||
| How dumb are we? | ||
| We wanted to make sure that people figured it out. | ||
| So we said, you know what? | ||
| It's too complicated. | ||
| Not enough people are going to figure it out. | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| All it is is just a new system based on 10. If you learn inches, fucking for sure you can learn kilometers. | ||
| It's all going away very soon. | ||
| Going away? | ||
| All the different things like the grams, the ounces, the language barriers. | ||
| everything's fucking going away in like five years, even maybe 10 years when it gets so good that voice activation, like being able to like have something on your person. | ||
| So if a person's talking Japanese, it's automatically just going to translate it for you into English. | ||
| If somebody is telling you 12 feet instead of 12 ounces or whatever, it's going to convert it for you. | ||
| See, the problem is when you translate languages, like say if you translate Japanese into English, you're going to have to also... | ||
| if you're going to translate it into English and have it direct, it's going to come out real funky. | ||
| Because the way they talk and communicate is almost alien. | ||
| So there's a lot of creative license involved in structuring sentences that are going to make sense. | ||
| But that's easy compared to most technology, you know? | ||
| I mean, look at the shit already. | ||
| I mean, you're fucking calling up Macy's and it's like, say one, you know, say two. | ||
| And that's just like generic shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That is pretty dope. | |
| I love the car thing. | ||
| I love being able to tell my car, call Brian. | ||
| And it just calls you. | ||
| That's insane, man. | ||
| That is so dope. | ||
| Yeah, everybody's iPhones can do that. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| That freaks me out. | ||
| Dustin has one of those Droid X's, and he sent a text by talking to it. | ||
| He talked to it, and he made something like, I'm here with Joe Rogan, and he says, I love you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-huh. | |
| And I look at it and it says, I'm here with Joe Logan. | ||
| That was the only thing that was wrong. | ||
| It picked up Logan instead of Rogan. | ||
| Was he like, hey, my battery's about to die on my droid. | ||
| Call me, call my friends. | ||
| Oh, never mind. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That was a tech joke. | ||
| Those phones suck battery life. | ||
| They suck battery. | ||
| Yeah, but you can always keep an extra battery. | ||
| The thing about iPhones that suck is when they die, like yours did last night, hi, they just die. | ||
| I hate that. | ||
| And they die, and it takes 10 minutes to turn back on. | ||
| So you're sitting there like a dumbass going, what the fuck? | ||
| It's like that last dollar of gas when you prepay. | ||
| You're sitting there going, why is this going so slow? | ||
| There's no reason for this. | ||
| They want you to click. | ||
| Yeah, is that what it is? | ||
| Come on, bitch. | ||
| Have you ever done that? | ||
| I've never done that before. | ||
| Yeah, I've never walked away. | ||
| I want to start doing that. | ||
| You want to walk away? | ||
| You can keep your dollar. | ||
| My fucking time here holding your handle is worth more than a dollar to me. | ||
| That's like toilet bowl technology. | ||
| That should be fixed by now. | ||
| There should be no extra two minutes of waiting for the last dollar of gas when you pre-play it. | ||
| Come on, that's fucking annoying. | ||
| Do they have one of those with the new iPhone? | ||
| Remember how they used to be able to buy the extra large charger? | ||
| It was gigantic. | ||
| And it was not a charger, rather a battery, and it was on the back of it. | ||
| It acted as a case, but also acted as a battery. | ||
| Do they have that for the new phone? | ||
| Not yet. | ||
| The new iPhone? | ||
| Yeah, the iPhone 4. Oh yeah, absolutely. | ||
| They have one of those new big ones? | ||
| Yeah, I couldn't find one. | ||
| Absolutely, yeah, Amazon.com. | ||
| Is it just as cumbersome and large? | ||
| It's pretty big. | ||
| There's a few different ones now. | ||
| But the new iPhone has like 40% more battery life, so does this one have double that? | ||
| It charges a lot faster. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| A lot faster. | ||
| The ones that... | ||
| I forget the name of the company that makes it, but they double your battery life. | ||
| Malfi. | ||
| Malfi? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Like Malfi May. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Power and batteries, man. | ||
| That is a big, major holdup. | ||
| You know, like these electric cars they're trying to put together... | ||
| That's all well and good, man. | ||
| But when you're going 150 miles, that's it. | ||
| The best you can do is 150 miles. | ||
| And that's if you drive cool. | ||
| If you don't freak. | ||
| They took one of those Teslas. | ||
| They have those electric sports cars. | ||
| And they beat the fucking shit out of this thing around a track. | ||
| But it was cooked in, like, a couple of miles, man. | ||
| A couple of miles, that bitch was done. | ||
| You know, they did it, like, for maybe 20 miles or something. | ||
| They ran this track a few times, a few laps, and it was just cooked. | ||
| It's out of juice. | ||
| It was done. | ||
| Yeah, they tested it against a bunch of other cars, like the Boxster and all these different sports cars, or different, like, little, you know, sporty little sort of convertible-type cars. | ||
| It's not there yet. | ||
| You know, the technology's not quite there yet. | ||
| And the weight is ridiculous. | ||
| So you've got all this weight behind the car. | ||
| You know, there's no real engine in the front. | ||
| It's not like a big fucking V8 that balances out all these batteries in the back. | ||
| No. | ||
| It's like this weird little electric engine in the front. | ||
| And in the back, you've got this fucking giant bricks and bricks of these lithium-ion batteries. | ||
| And it's super heavy. | ||
| And they're going to die. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They're not going to last. | ||
| They're going to die off. | ||
| You know? | ||
| It's not simple. | ||
| Like, you just change the spark plugs. | ||
| No, you've got to get new batteries. | ||
| You've got all new batteries. | ||
| Your batteries suck now. | ||
| It's weird, man. | ||
| It's like that technology, that area of technology, it seems to be there's a little bit of a hump there. | ||
| It's going to turn into wireless electricity. | ||
| I think that has to be, because I don't know, man. | ||
| You know, Tesla had a fucking thing for that. | ||
| Yeah, Westinghouse. | ||
| When they found out what he was doing, they closed him down. | ||
| Yeah, they shut him the fuck down. | ||
| Crazy guy wanted to give away free electricity. | ||
| To the whole world. | ||
| He wanted to radiate the ionosphere. | ||
| That's probably what's next, though, for electricity. | ||
| What if HAARP is based on Tesla's technology? | ||
| All technology is based on Tesla. | ||
| Really? | ||
| All modern technology. | ||
| Except flashlight technology. | ||
| Right, but directly. | ||
| Did Tesla have something to do with it? | ||
| I would assume so. | ||
| I bet we can find out. | ||
| I bet so. | ||
| It took him 30 years after his death to finally get the credit for inventing the radio. | ||
| Descended from Tesla's work. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Dude, it took 30 years after his death to get credit for inventing radio. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Everybody gives it to Marconi. | ||
| Yeah, still, when you hear about it, you hear Marconi. | ||
| Yeah, and he didn't do it. | ||
| He even had like a hundred different fucking things. | ||
| What? | ||
| Dude, he was constantly inventing. | ||
| But they said he was like autistic. | ||
| He would be diagnosed today. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Well, you know, I've talked about that with a friend of mine that I have that has autistic children or an autistic kid. | ||
| And he's like, the aptitude that these kids have for learning things and for holding information and for dispensing it and spitting it back out, it's shocking. | ||
| It almost makes you think, I wonder if this is some weird... | ||
| obviously a disease these kids are obviously impaired when it comes to being able to communicate emotionally and being able to reach out and don't you think nature constantly when it goes to evolve in anything any form over the history of the of of the earth through evolution that it's made a lot of fuck-ups tell the one thing hit and then boom that's the next level well that's the idea is that we have mutations and that from those mutations the ones that are useful are kept and Yeah. | ||
| Natural selection dictates that we move in that direction now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| That's what all of the evolution of mankind or any animal is supposed to be from. | ||
| That's one of the theories. | ||
| There's a few theories. | ||
| But the idea that these kids that are super genius kids, like what they're having is just like a blip or just a glimpse as to the potential of what human beings can do. | ||
| There's this one kid, man. | ||
| I don't know what we talked about on the podcast. | ||
| I think we might have. | ||
| He flew over Europe and looked out his window at Germany from his airplane and then drew it when he got home. | ||
| Drew it in absolute perfect detail. | ||
| Every city, every block, every house, every window, all in the perfect place, perfect perspective, perfect size. | ||
| It's fucking incredible. | ||
| This is a human being. | ||
| This is a human being that can do something that I can't do and you can't do, but he has a hard time with a lot of other aspects of life. | ||
| I wonder if this is some overpowering blip of the new future. | ||
| You know, there's overpowering. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I hope so. | |
| Just like one little thing. | ||
| Like, maybe he doesn't have the whole package. | ||
| He doesn't have the whole super fucking Dr. Manhattan package. | ||
| Yeah, but he's close. | ||
| That one gets with another one. | ||
| Then that offspring. | ||
| What's that going to be? | ||
| That's definitely Wapner guy, though. | ||
| You know, that's that same thing. | ||
| You know, like the movie Rain Man. | ||
| Whatever that disease is that guy has. | ||
| Yeah, it is the same thing. | ||
| Autism. | ||
| So, maybe anyone that's special needs is the future of what we... | ||
| No, it's not special needs, because a lot of that is just a mistake that, you know, in the dog-eat-dog world of nature, we would not allow to survive, you know? | ||
| If we were living thousands of years ago, and you had kids that were, like, heavily deformed, they didn't live, you know? | ||
| That's just what happened. | ||
| Yeah, they'd get eaten. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, so, but it's like, but it all is mutation, you know? | ||
| Isn't it crazy? | ||
| Mutation sometimes, I mean, the idea is that, I mean, isn't it like the idea that a lot of mutation comes from radiation, comes from, like, just fucking shit in space and the sun? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Supposedly. | ||
| There's triggers. | ||
| Sometimes these mutations lead to evolution. | ||
| Yeah, to better survivability. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| It could very well be that what we're seeing... | ||
| I mean, could you imagine if you were a regular person who had, you know, regular social skills and totally normal and irregular insecurities, but for whatever reason, you were capable of looking at Berlin out the window of an airplane and then just drawing it in extreme detail, like, into a point where people are shocked, like, you've got some magic power of retention. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a great website. | |
| But that'd be amazing. | ||
| Fuck, man. | ||
| That's a photographic memory beyond comprehension. | ||
| Yeah, but it's always someone who's fucked up. | ||
| It's almost like you only get so much horsepower, you know? | ||
| Right. | ||
| And your brain has so much horsepower. | ||
| How much do you want to dedicate to this? | ||
| How much are you going to dedicate to art? | ||
| How much are you going to dedicate to thinking? | ||
| Well, yeah, Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci. | ||
| I wonder what those dudes are like. | ||
| They were supposedly autistic, according to, you know, because they were in written history, you know? | ||
| I bet they're pimps. | ||
| You think that Michelangelo and Da Vinci are both autistic? | ||
| Why do you think that? | ||
| They say they're a higher-functioning autistic, is what they would be described as. | ||
| Really? | ||
| But how do they know that? | ||
| They don't have any recordings of them communicating. | ||
| They have diaries, they have letters, they have communications, the writings, Leonardo da Vinci's writings. | ||
| Imagine if they found your shit, and they just looked at it and go, he's retarded, he's retarded. | ||
| Oh, without a doubt. | ||
| Ralphie May was retarded, we found his writing. | ||
| They saw my notebook, they would be fucking, he's retarded. | ||
| We saw his comedy, and we knew he was a talented performer, but we always wondered, what was it? | ||
| Oh, well, we read his writing, we realized he was retarded. | ||
| Oh yeah, there you go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
People just judge you and shit based on shit they find hundreds of years from now. | |
| They can't do that. | ||
| You can't tell me that Leonardo da Vinci had autism. | ||
| That's what they're gonna do. | ||
| We call Chaucer a genius, but there was some other guy who was a dirty guy. | ||
| I mean, Chaucer's dirtiest thing was the Miller's Tale. | ||
| Who are you talking about? | ||
| Jeffrey Chaucer. | ||
| Who's that? | ||
| What is this? | ||
| He was the first novelist. | ||
| The first novelist ever? | ||
| Well, he didn't write the first novel. | ||
| The first novel was Beowulf, but the first novel of substance that was printed with the printing press was Geoffrey Chaucer's The Canterbury Tales. | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| And one of them was called The Miller's Tale, and he uses a past tense of shit. | ||
| And this is in the 1500s. | ||
| You mean like Shat? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Powerful. | ||
| Yeah, it was great. | ||
| He's giving credit with creating the word fuck. | ||
| How great a word is that? | ||
| And writing it down and using it. | ||
| But I thought that was supposed to be for fornication and the consent of the king. | ||
| That's what it was originally for. | ||
| Or for unlawful carnal knowledge. | ||
| One of the two. | ||
| There's a lot of debate about that, but he used it in print. | ||
| Like fuck you? | ||
| Like, yeah. | ||
| Like, go fuck yourself. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Or let's fuck. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Powerful. | ||
| But there was somebody else. | ||
| I mean, you think he's the only writer in all of England that ever wrote a dirty shit? | ||
| You know, it just never got published, you know? | ||
| Like, you know, if we just judged comedy by Seinfeld, okay, what we do, you and I, would not even consider comedy. | ||
| We'd be ranting lunatics. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| In comparison with joke, set up, punch, you know, no opinion, observational comedy. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's like he was the most popular, therefore he's known as that time's greatest guy. | ||
| There's nothing that shows the evolution of culture more than stand-up comedy. | ||
| In my opinion. | ||
| It's real weird when you go back and listen to Lenny Bruce's stuff. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Go back and listen to this stuff that got him arrested in the 1950s and 1960s. | ||
| And it's less than a potluck at the fucking comedy store. | ||
| You can get it on NBC. You get on Mass Comic Standing with all of his shit. | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, it's barely offensive. | ||
| It's so strange. | ||
| But he had some good shit, though, even back then. | ||
| Yeah, he had some good perspectives on the Catholic Church and stuff like that. | ||
| How about on... | ||
| He had a bunch of different things, man. | ||
| How about my favorite one was he did on homosexuality being illegal. | ||
| He goes, dig this, man. | ||
| Homosexuality is illegal. | ||
| So if you're gay, they arrest you. | ||
| And what do they do? | ||
| They put you in jail with a bunch of guys who want to have sex with you. | ||
| Yeah, it didn't make sense. | ||
| It doesn't make sense. | ||
| This is a joke that he did in the 50s. | ||
| And I saw a comic who I know is not a joke thief. | ||
| But he tried to re-say it in, like, the 90s. | ||
| And I had to say, you know, that's like a Lenny Bruce joke from, like, 1950-something. | ||
| And he was like, shit! | ||
| Of course somebody already thought that up. | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| That's what's shitty about it all, you know, is that there's so many that's come before us. | ||
| No, that's great, though. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| There's always still things to talk about. | ||
| If it wasn't for them, we would suck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| Without a doubt. | ||
| You know, people need to slowly learn how to take a joke over the course of 50 or 60 years. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| The kind of shit that you can talk or I can talk on stage now, you couldn't do that back then. | ||
| No way, man. | ||
| Thank God that they did that because they broke a lot of boundaries, man. | ||
| Richard Pryor got a lot of people used to people saying... | ||
| Pussy and motherfucker. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He got people used to that shit. | ||
| You know, Lenny Bruce got people used to questioning things, questioning the use of words, questioning, you know, all sorts of aspects of our culture. | ||
| They got people to take a joke. | ||
| They got people to, like, kind of lighten up and understand this. | ||
| Yeah, just relax. | ||
| Everybody's so worked up over now, you know, like, the use of derogatory slang as far as Names go. | ||
| It's just all worked up. | ||
| Your outrage is a learned thing. | ||
| If you didn't learn that the N-word was something that's supposed to be offensive, it would just be another two-syllable word. | ||
| By calling it the N-word, you just embolden that word and keep it in our vernacular. | ||
| If you used a word like groovy or far out, why do these words and phrases leave our vernacular and become uncool? | ||
| Groovy's still awesome. | ||
| It's still good, yeah. | ||
| I'm still down with Groovy. | ||
| And if I'm stoned and I see something, I'll say Far Out. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| But not many people say it. | ||
| Far Out, man. | ||
| I haven't used Far Out in a long time. | ||
| Yeah, isn't it crazy though? | ||
| I'm using that from now on. | ||
| Far Out's back, bitches. | ||
| It's coming back like the fanny pack. | ||
| Boom! | ||
| You're bringing back the fanny pack. | ||
| I don't give a fuck, dude. | ||
| I rock a fanny pack every time I travel. | ||
| And people look at me like they thought I was kidding. | ||
| I thought you were joking. | ||
| If they heard me say it. | ||
| You love a fanny pack? | ||
| I love a fanny pack. | ||
| I got a backpack. | ||
| Backpacks are good too, but I like a fanny pack. | ||
| That's why I had the week. | ||
| You got your fucking wallet and all your keys and your bullshit. | ||
| Just take it off, go through, put it back on. | ||
| It's much faster. | ||
| If you're not trying to get laid, man, it's the way to go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You know, I took care of that a long time ago. | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| Hollaback. | ||
| It's funny how things come and go in style. | ||
| At one point in time, a leather fanny pack was the fucking rage. | ||
| Yeah, with my dad. | ||
| With your dad? | ||
| Did your dad have the neon green and pink one? | ||
| Yeah, he had the neon green one. | ||
| For breast cancer, I had that one. | ||
| Hey, Mirko Krokop rocks one, as do his whole team. | ||
| A lot of guys in MMA rock them. | ||
| Don't fuck around. | ||
| Tim Crater rocks one. | ||
| Man, I ain't saying anything. | ||
| Forrest Griffin rocks one. | ||
| Dude, that guy put me in a choke. | ||
| Did he? | ||
| Yeah, at the Palms that time that we were hanging out. | ||
| Forrest Griffin did? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And he didn't, like, hammer down on it. | ||
| He just enough to get... | ||
| Get your attention. | ||
| Okay, like that. | ||
| Why did he do that? | ||
| Did you ask him to? | ||
| No, he just walked up behind me and that was his way of saying, I love your comedy. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, not a hello, not a what's up. | ||
| I have to interview him on Friday. | ||
| I'm going to confront him with this information. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| And he put me in a choke right there. | ||
| And I felt like, yeah, I could go out right now. | ||
| I mean, it was like that. | ||
| I've never been knocked out like that. | ||
| You ever been choked unconscious? | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| It's not fun. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| That was the first time that I'd ever even come close. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I don't get into shit like that, you know? | ||
| I'm funny. | ||
| You ever had a chick want to tie a tie around your neck while you fuck her? | ||
| Fuck no! | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| What's wrong with pussy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why has everybody got an augmented pussy and accelerated? | |
| She wants you to fuck her while she's holding your tie and squeezing it tight. | ||
| No, I've never gotten it like that. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| That sounds awesome. | ||
| I had a chick ask if she could time me up. | ||
| I was like, bitch, are you crazy? | ||
| Yeah, no shit. | ||
| You lost your fucking mind. | ||
| I've never allowed that much control of somebody else. | ||
| This was many, many, many years ago when I had terrible judgment. | ||
| When all I cared about was if they were hot. | ||
| If she was hot and I figured I could get her, I'm like, wow. | ||
| When I was 22, I was an idiot. | ||
| And this one chick that I dated was just fucking completely bananas. | ||
| Those Boston Brots? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| She used to get mad at me, and she would get mad, she would pick up a knife. | ||
| I'm not bullshitting. | ||
| I'm not bullshitting. | ||
| She wouldn't do anything with it, but she would pick up a knife and hold it in her hand when she would get mad. | ||
| I'm like, bitch, you better put the fucking weapon down, because this is getting crazy right now. | ||
| See, I think that you're at a different level, dude. | ||
| I think that you attract those type of rods, okay? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, I never met a chick like that, would pull a knife on you and shit like that. | ||
| She didn't pull the knife. | ||
| She didn't pull it. | ||
| She was going to use it. | ||
| She would just hold it. | ||
| Yeah, that's what I'm saying. | ||
| I mean, that's a different level, dude. | ||
| She was hot as fuck, though, dude. | ||
| I mean, she could fuck crazy, right? | ||
| Oh, this bitch, yeah. | ||
| She was crazy. | ||
| She's beyond crazy. | ||
| That's what I'm talking about. | ||
| And where do they go? | ||
| They become mothers, and they're fucking in minivans. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I have no idea where this one... | ||
| This is one I would probably like to see her Facebook page. | ||
| Find out what the fuck... | ||
| I don't remember her name, though. | ||
| I remember her first name. | ||
| I don't remember her last name. | ||
| Isn't it crazy to think of all the fucking women you've been with, like how your life intersected with their life and where they're at now? | ||
| There's a bunch. | ||
| I'd like to go back. | ||
| But the thing is, you don't because that's what you learn from. | ||
| And they learn from you and you learn from them and they're not who they were back then and neither are you who you were. | ||
| You weren't no goddamn picnic either. | ||
| I was no picnic when I was 22. I was fucking crazy. | ||
| I was completely insane when I was 22. That's when you were knocking people out on the street. | ||
| I was still fighting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think everyone is insane when they're 22. I just thought I was dumb. | |
| Every single one of those people are fucking insanely crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| A lot of people are dumb and crazy and they haven't got a handle on themselves yet. | ||
| But I was exceptionally fucked up. | ||
| Because I was still fighting. | ||
| I was still competing. | ||
| I was kickboxing and I was doing Taekwondo tournaments. | ||
| At the time, I did not know what the fuck I was doing with my life, and it was all spent on just trying to figure out... | ||
| Martial arts competition had been my whole past, and then I was trying to figure out what the fuck I was going to do with my future, and then I started getting into comedy, and that's when I met this crazy bitch with the knife. | ||
| The knife. | ||
| What was it like coming up in Boston with Dennis Leary being around every corner and hearing about Bill Hicks and that stuff? | ||
| Well, I was a huge Dennis Leary fan first. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, really? | |
| I was a huge Dennis Leary fan, man. | ||
| I came to see Dennis Leary once. | ||
| I paid to see Dom Herrera. | ||
| And Dom missed his flight. | ||
| Something happened or they rescheduled or whatever. | ||
| So, and Dennis Leary was the headliner. | ||
| I was like, who's this guy? | ||
| Where's Tom Herrera? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shit. | |
| I was like bummed out. | ||
| But Leary went up and just lit that fucking place on fire, dude. | ||
| He destroyed. | ||
| I heard he was a beast. | ||
| And I remember thinking, whoa, like, who's this guy? | ||
| I never even saw this guy before. | ||
| And I was like... | ||
| I think I'd maybe gone on stage once. | ||
| I was like a total raw open miker. | ||
| I was paying to see this local show on a date. | ||
| And I remember I told all my friends. | ||
| I brought my roommates who went to see Dennis Leary at Nick's Comedy Stop. | ||
| They were like, holy shit, this guy's killer. | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| And then it was like maybe a month or two later, Hicks came into town. | ||
| And everybody was like, oh, you've got to see this guy like Paul Barkley, who's one of the owners of the comedy club. | ||
| He's a real comedy connoisseur. | ||
| Really love good comedy. | ||
| Like, oh, this guy's got great writing. | ||
| You gotta see this guy when he's in town. | ||
| So I take his advice, and I go to see him, and I see great writing, but I've heard these premises before, and I've heard the bits before. | ||
| I've heard a couple of them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And, like, there was, like, I'm like, holy shit, this guy's, like, doing the same stuff that Leary was doing. | ||
| Like, the same premises about, like, Jim Fix dying of a heart attack while he's jogging. | ||
| There's, like, a few of them. | ||
| They were, like... | ||
| I don't remember if that was the specific one. | ||
| There was a few of them. | ||
| They were really the same jokes and the same bits. | ||
| So I asked the local comics, I go, what the fuck is up? | ||
| And their response was Leary Steeles. | ||
| They're like, really? | ||
| Leary just fucking steals. | ||
| He's a thief. | ||
| I was like, wow. | ||
| So he's stealing from this guy? | ||
| So this guy was like this really weird, introspective, really intelligent guy who really was looking deep into shit and taking mushrooms and going on peyote trips and trying to find himself. | ||
| And then I guess some people were just feeding off of it, you know? | ||
| I know in Houston, he let me open for him once at the laugh stop. | ||
| Hickstead? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Because I've been doing stand-up comedy. | ||
| What year was this? | ||
| 91? | ||
| 90? | ||
| 91? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And that's like... | ||
| And I was 18. He died in like, what, 93? | ||
| Was it 94? | ||
| I think 96. Oh, I thought it was 93. Was it 96? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Sam died in 92. That made me cry this morning. | ||
| I remember that, man. | ||
| That made me cry. | ||
| When Powered Stern talks about him in such a way, I have a connection with a couple of radio guys like that, where he talks about we'd had Sam over. | ||
| We knew he was out of control. | ||
| We knew that he was fucking crazy and he was out of control and we knew he was going to die, but he was on the road and we wanted to give him a home-cooked meal, so we brought him home from radio and I have a friend of mine You think about mortality? | ||
| I think about it more and more since of my children, and that's why I'm losing weight slowly, and it plateaus unless I exercise, and if I don't feel well, I can't exercise. | ||
| I hurt. | ||
| I physically hurt. | ||
| And then to compound that, they want to give me painkillers. | ||
| And if I take the painkillers, I don't want to move. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| So it's a weird place, you know? | ||
| I've got physical ailments. | ||
| I've got physical fucking problems. | ||
| I was in a car wreck. | ||
| I broke 42 bones, 64 separate breaks. | ||
| I'm fucked up. | ||
| Whoa, wait a minute. | ||
| You were in a car accident and you have 42 broken bones? | ||
| What was that? | ||
| When was this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was 16, 1988. Holy shit, dude. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I was in the hospital for 48 days. | ||
| And then after that, I was in a wheelchair for 10 months. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's crazy. | |
| Yeah, I had spinal swelling. | ||
| I broke my two vertebrae in my neck. | ||
| I fractured two vertebrae in my neck, three in my back. | ||
| I broke one of the wings off my vertebrae that's right there, so I have sciatic problems. | ||
| They say I have amazingly dense bones and that I was very fortunate to live through it. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It just fucking changes everything. | ||
| There goes your fucking last couple years of being a teenager. | ||
| Then people think you're retarded. | ||
| For me, they thought I was retarded. | ||
| And then they gave me a test and found out I was actually really smart. | ||
| And then they put me in this beginning scholars program at the University of Arkansas. | ||
| And that's when I started doing comedy. | ||
| Because my group met at a Shakey's Pizza on Highway 71 in Fayetteville, Arkansas. | ||
| And our study group in organic chemistry met there. | ||
| And I fucking hung out. | ||
| And there was an open mic contest. | ||
| And the winner got free pizza and a fucking pitcher. | ||
| And I had a joke about Vanna White's the dumbest person ever on television. | ||
| She doesn't even know how to spell the words. | ||
| They light them up for her, and she just walks over there and turns the fucking letter. | ||
| I mean, somebody could tell her how to do it. | ||
| I mean, why are you shocked when the fucking letter comes up, you know? | ||
| You don't even know how to spell it. | ||
| You're the dumbest bitch ever. | ||
| And then I said that I can't, even though I love Def Leppard, I can't see him. | ||
| I can't watch him because if I watch him in concert, I feel like I'm mocking the drummer with two arms and clapping and applauding and raising both hands up. | ||
| So this is when you just started out. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And this is just general premise. | ||
| I had jokes within, and I had seen it enough that I had this, and I won a stand-up comedy contest, and it went on from there. | ||
| I moved from the Shakey Speeds to the Ramada Inn, out by the mall in Fayetteville, while I was going to school. | ||
| And it all happened because they tested me, and I got into comedy. | ||
| They tested you? | ||
| Yeah, they tested me to see if I was retarded. | ||
| They gave me an IQ test and they found out I was actually bright. | ||
| That's how you got into comedy? | ||
| They said you needed to go tell jokes? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| It's the fact that my study group showed up there at the Shakey's Pizza where they had the open mic. | ||
| Did you have a dream of being a comic before that? | ||
| I did. | ||
| I had, but I never... | ||
| I lived in Arkansas. | ||
| I went to school in Winslow, Arkansas. | ||
| Do you have any comics from Arkansas? | ||
| There's a couple. | ||
| There's a couple. | ||
| Arkansas's a crazy town, huh? | ||
| It's a crazy place. | ||
| Yeah, it's a crazy state. | ||
| A state of mind. | ||
| A lot of nutty shit there, man. | ||
| A lot of nutty shit. | ||
| When Bill Clinton became president, they're like, he was the governor of Arkansas? | ||
| I know, right? | ||
| Arkansas is kind of fucking loked out, man. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| What's the biggest city? | ||
| Little Rock. | ||
| Little Rock. | ||
| Yeah, but now actually probably they've consolidated them into three cities into one megalopolis. | ||
| Do you go down there? | ||
| Do you work? | ||
| I work there. | ||
| I do concerts in Little Rock. | ||
| I want to do one at the University of Arkansas. | ||
| I'm a big Razorback fan and I'd love to do one back there because... | ||
| My first gig, I got to work with Sam Kennison. | ||
| I won one of those talent show contests. | ||
| Kay Hogg, the local radio station, had a talent show contest. | ||
| He was playing the ballroom in like 89. You know what makes me sad about comedy, dude? | ||
| When I remember Houston. | ||
| Remember what Houston was like. | ||
| Yeah, I remember what Houston was like when I first started going there. | ||
| When that fucking open mic, man. | ||
| That open mic that would stop and it would start at 7 and go till 2. And never a comedian repeated, or if they did, there was a sketch or something live. | ||
| And the audience constantly came in and out. | ||
| And you were walking outside and smoking weed in the back of the room talking shit. | ||
| There was a lot of good comics there. | ||
| There was a lot of guys who were trying... | ||
| Experimental, amazing, smart shit. | ||
| Good ethic of the town. | ||
| They didn't want hacks in there. | ||
| And they all knew that Hicks came from there and Kinison came from there. | ||
| There was a heritage. | ||
| Yeah, there was something there in that town. | ||
| And boy, it just got extinguished. | ||
| It just got extinguished. | ||
| You know, and I hear guys say, hey, we're working out again, we got this going on again. | ||
| But man, there's like, you don't hear about guys coming out of Houston anymore. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Matty Kirsch came out of there, and there was a bunch of other guys that were really good. | ||
| So much wasted talent, man. | ||
| Yeah, a lot of wasted talent. | ||
| You know, I mean, that's my favorite line. | ||
| Brian Hersey, do you remember Brian Hersey? | ||
| Genius. | ||
| That dude is funny as fuck, and he just kind of like stopped doing comedy. | ||
| No, he's a drunk that quit comedy. | ||
| That ain't cool, man. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| It's like that place had a flower that was growing, and then some or another clouds grew overhead, and the flower fucking died. | ||
| It was right there, man. | ||
| I think comedy was about to evolve from there. | ||
| I think there was going to be 30, 40 comedians to come out of there. | ||
| And I'm only giving you maybe 10, 15% of the actual comedy community. | ||
| I mean, there was one at Open Mic that had literally over 100 comics performed. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And not everybody got to go on it. | ||
| So the improv there is not doing it now? | ||
| They don't do it at that level. | ||
| And they don't foster local talent. | ||
| Those improvs are too clean, man. | ||
| The Laugh Stop was dirty. | ||
| It was dirty. | ||
| Marty Babbitt was running it. | ||
| It was just fucking chaos. | ||
| That place was chaos, dude. | ||
| It was nuttiness to the extreme. | ||
| That's what you need. | ||
| The only way you get the real comedy to develop, especially developing comedy, There has to be chaos. | ||
| It has to be like the Comedy Store. | ||
| It has to be like that place, like The Last Stop. | ||
| It gets stifled if it doesn't. | ||
| I didn't grow as a comedian. | ||
| I mean, I grew to a certain level. | ||
| I knew how to rock a room, but I had to do it cleaner. | ||
| And I was a product of my environment. | ||
| I went up a lot of times. | ||
| I mean, working The Last Stop was maybe six times a year as work goes. | ||
| But I would work out every weekend at this place called the Comedy Showcase in Go Freeway in Fuquay. | ||
| And it was owned by a very smooth, I think he's smoother than, he's probably one of the most smooth comedians I've ever seen. | ||
| As far as like in an hour, go in and out of subjects, like it's just one conversation. | ||
| A guy named Danny Martinez. | ||
| And his club, he taught comics like he would have Wednesday through Sunday and you get 10, 15 minute spots. | ||
| And it was just a showcase club. | ||
| And then also I'd go and play the hip-hop comedy stop up in a hotel, a black room. | ||
| And that's where I developed all these black jokes because that was the fucking audience. | ||
| I mean, that's all I had, you know, and then I started, you know, I was a product of hanging around with Mexicans and black people. | ||
| And people go, where did you get this fucking accent from? | ||
| And why do you talk like that? | ||
| And it's like, well, it was funny to the fucking crowd I was playing for. | ||
| So anyway, what you're saying is there was a lot of different places to go up there and huge things. | ||
| So many. | ||
| So many. | ||
| down. | ||
| There really wasn't much there anymore. | ||
| It was before it even closed. | ||
| They opened up the second laugh stop, but the second laugh stop was not the same. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| And before it even closed, it wasn't the same, because when Babbitt left, and then Homeboy Pete came in. | ||
| Pete was a good guy. | ||
| Nice guy. | ||
| I liked Pete, but Pete was like, he was like a straight up accountant, sort of bookkeeping sort of a guy. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And you need shady weirdos running comedy clubs. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| You need guys like our friend in San Francisco. | ||
| And there's a guy in Seattle, a couple guys in Seattle. | ||
| Ann Arbor, Michigan. | ||
| Did you do that comedy showcase in Ann Arbor? | ||
| No. | ||
| Dude, we had a good fucking time, man. | ||
| I was there with Tom Segura. | ||
| Fucking great. | ||
| I heard that guy's really funny, man. | ||
| A lot of people say he's really funny. | ||
| Segura's hilarious. | ||
| I don't even know that guy, man. | ||
| Tom Segura, follow him on Twitter. | ||
| Go see that guy in concert or wherever he's touring. | ||
| He comes with me some places. | ||
| He's fucking hilarious. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| He's really, really good. | ||
| He's really funny, man. | ||
| He's a great guy, too. | ||
| Apparently, everybody says he's phenomenal. | ||
| He's phenomenal. | ||
| And I got a piss, so I think this is a perfect time to end this podcast. | ||
| Great. | ||
| Shazam, suckers. | ||
| Thanks, guys. | ||
| Thank you very much for tuning in. | ||
| Thank you, Fleshlight, for sponsoring it. | ||
| If you go to JoeRogan.net, you can get 15% off the Fleshlight. | ||
| There's a code name, Rogan, you have to type it in. | ||
| The New Year's Eve show, we still don't have a ticket link. | ||
| As soon as I have it, it will go up. | ||
| Thank you very much for all the interest. | ||
| I keep getting Twitter messages about it. | ||
| So it'll be me and Joey Diaz at the Mandalay Bay Theater. | ||
| It's going to be the shit. | ||
| It's like 1,700 people. | ||
| It's going to be a lot. | ||
| That's going to be such a great time, man. | ||
| If you want no drama in Vegas, and Vegas and fucking New Year's is nothing but fucking drama. | ||
| You won't be able to leave your fucking hotel after a certain time. | ||
| They'll cut the strip down, and it's a forever fucking walk. | ||
| The smartest thing to do is have tickets. | ||
| Only people with tickets will be allowed through the barricades to get into the masses. | ||
| Get your tickets early. | ||
| Buy them. | ||
| Go see a great show. | ||
| I highly recommend. | ||
| Joey Coco Diaz is possibly the funniest person I've ever been around in my life. | ||
| He makes me laugh more than anybody else ever. | ||
| And the two of you together is just a fucking dynamic show. | ||
| He's a real freak. | ||
| He's a freak. | ||
| There's not a whole lot of real freaks out there. | ||
| There's a lot of people... | ||
| Fronting, pretending to be freaked, walking around with your fucking different colors. | ||
| Oh, I've got one Converse All-Star that's red and one that's black. | ||
| My hair's purple. | ||
| I'm silly. | ||
| I go to Hot Topic. | ||
| I'm badass. | ||
| Anyway, that's it. | ||
| Thank you, Ralphie Mae. | ||
| Ralphie Mae, we've got to get you on Twitter. | ||
| You have an account, don't you? | ||
| Yes, I have a couple. | ||
| Use that shit, son. | ||
| I know. | ||
| People are tweeting right now. | ||
| Yes, Ralphie, use it. | ||
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ralphie, yes! | |
| Okay, if I can get on it, Jesus Christ. | ||
| Thank you, everybody. | ||
| And next week, we've got Cliffy B on Wednesday, and we're going to work on getting Brian Posehn, see if we can hook him up next week, too. | ||
| And if not, we've got to do a Joey Diaz one, too, soon. | ||
| Another one. | ||
| In the house, bitches. | ||
| Thank you very much, Ralphie Mae, for coming on. | ||
| I appreciate it, my brother. | ||
| Always good to see you. | ||
| Thank you, sir. | ||
| Red Band. | ||
| Go to Red Band at Twitter, R-E-D-B-A-N. He needs more followers. | ||
| He's very, very insecure about his Twitter account. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It makes him sad. | ||
| Some chick from fucking Burbank. | ||
| Please date him, black girl. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Sam. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That's the next level. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I like you. | |
| Do you like me? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Black chicks. | ||
| That next level shit. | ||
| Thank you, everybody. | ||
| See you next week. | ||
| Love you, bitches. | ||
|
unidentified
|
See ya. |
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