Nov. 29, 2010 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:30:06
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
|
unidentified
|
Thank you. | |
| But dude, you dismantled him. | ||
| That was the cleanest, most precise performance of your career. | ||
| Yeah, I think so. | ||
| I was just like, alright, do this, this, and this. | ||
| Dude, you did it all perfect. | ||
| It was perfect. | ||
| It was just perfection. | ||
| That poor guy. | ||
| Yeah, that's business, you know? | ||
| It is business. | ||
| I'm going to get old? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm going to get old? | ||
| And hopefully you'll slide out before that guy. | ||
| After Melvin Manhoof, he should have been like, wait, wait, wait, wait, what's up? | ||
| Exactly, yeah. | ||
| Fuck, dude. | ||
| That's business. | ||
| It's kind of like a guy I looked up to for so long, and one of those things. | ||
| I feel a big respect to the guy, and I feel like a lot of my career is due to him. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, definitely. | ||
| Well, for those who don't follow mixed martial arts, Sakuraba is a famous Japanese guy who was one of the first guys to beat the Gracies, and he fought a bunch of them. | ||
| He fought Hoist a couple of times. | ||
| They fought for 90 minutes once. | ||
| He had a legacy, that guy. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, that is as legacy as legacy gets. | ||
| You list all-time favorites. | ||
| Goddamn, Sakuraba's on everybody's list. | ||
| Some of those fights that he had... | ||
| Always fought guys way bigger than him. | ||
| That's what I mean by that. | ||
| Exactly the mentality that you would always take into a fight is what I did when I was younger. | ||
| What I always was thinking, that's what you have to be to be a fighter. | ||
| It built my value system. | ||
| I'm like, yeah, you have to do that. | ||
| Which kept me working hard in mixed martial arts all the way to this point. | ||
| They say, you want to fight him? | ||
| I'm like... | ||
| Yeah, I have to fight him. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| I respect, you know, I can't. | ||
| Oh, no, I'm not going to fight Sakuraba. | ||
| You know, like, come on. | ||
| I'm going to fight Sakuraba. | ||
| Someone's going to fight him. | ||
| What other place in life do you get to walk up to your hero and punch his fucking face? | ||
| Where does that happen? | ||
| You're my hero. | ||
| I get to punch your fucking face. | ||
| Damn, what a trip that must have been. | ||
| Yeah, you know what I mean? | ||
| I was like, man, you're my hero, but I'm going to try to smash you. | ||
| Is there a moment in your mind in the fight while you're realizing you're doing this, or are you so in the moment? | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| Yeah, because I remember the exact moment that I was like, I got him in this one move, and then I put my hand on his face, and I put my hand on his face and punched him. | ||
| And I'm like, man, I'm punching Sakuraba right now. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| There was that brief, like, little blink of a moment. | ||
| And then you went back. | ||
| Yeah, and then I was like, oh, gotta beat him up. | ||
| I was like, oh, no. | ||
| To me, it was like, okay, I'm a robot. | ||
| Like, I wrote for Fight Magazine before that, like, I'm a robot. | ||
| Or, no, I think it was on my blog. | ||
| And I wrote, I'm a robot. | ||
| In there, I just, like, go in there and, like, I feel like I'm driving a robot. | ||
| So I'm just doing this, you know, like. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, I'm just doing, like, I'm behind my eyes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Playing video games. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, oh, I'm playing Xbox right now. | ||
| Is that the best way to keep emotions out of it? | ||
| Yeah, fuck yeah, because I fought, like, messed up my fights before where I'm like... | ||
| And then I'm like, oh, I'm tired right now. | ||
| Like, what the hell? | ||
| You know, you got to be like- You get looked out. | ||
| Yeah, it's more, for me at least, I know some guys have to get more psyched up, you know, but for me, I just know that I have to like chill myself out so I don't go to bananas. | ||
| So you just fight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| Just do it. | ||
| I'm a robot. | ||
| Yeah, you're a robot. | ||
| But every once in a while, you got to go into your crazy gene and get retard strength. | ||
| And that's when you're in a bad spot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, that's when you just gotta get like, I gotta like Hulk out of this, like Hulkamania. | ||
| That was what, remember when you were fighting GSP and that's what... | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| It's famous. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I know. | ||
| What's his face? | ||
| Why am I blanking on his name? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Mark Lehman? | ||
| Mark Lehman. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| I'm blanking on Mark Lehman's name. | ||
| But when Mark Lehman is yelling, retard strength, and I was saying, his corner is yelling out, retard strength. | ||
| Wait, you said that on the fucking thing? | ||
| Yeah, I said that on the air. | ||
| It became famous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, I did? | |
| It became famous. | ||
| Yeah, retard strength. | ||
| Oh, I remember. | ||
| No, I remember the people. | ||
| Because I was like, I wanted everybody to know. | ||
| I'm like, his corner is calling out for retard strength. | ||
| I'm like, you need to know this. | ||
| That's awesome! | ||
| Lehman is the shit, man. | ||
| Lehman is, he's not only just a really good jiu-jitsu instructor, but he's like a cool dude to talk to. | ||
| No, he's an interesting dude. | ||
| Super smart. | ||
| Very smart. | ||
| I know, yeah. | ||
| Smart dude. | ||
| That's why he's so into jiu-jitsu. | ||
| He breaks things down. | ||
| He's a fascinating dude. | ||
| He's a character. | ||
| I love that guy. | ||
| Yeah, he's a fascinating dude. | ||
| Jiu-jitsu's filled with fascinating people. | ||
| That's what a lot of people don't understand. | ||
| They think of jiu-jitsu as being some sort of a meathead thing. | ||
| Nah, it's art. | ||
| It's just for people that don't know that. | ||
| They think that, though. | ||
| But a lot of the guys that we train with are computer guys, or guys who are not that athletic. | ||
| Back in the day, I felt like jiu-jitsu was this exclusive and expensive thing. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, not many people did it, but the people who did it were, like, well-educated. | ||
| Right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I mean? | |
| Because they know about the latest thing. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And it was Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, you know? | ||
| So, when I remember, I would be in there broke as hell, you know, training, and then there would be, like, lawyers and, you know, doctors and chiropractors and whatever, you know? | ||
| Like, and I'm just, like, some poor kid. | ||
| Like, I would go to the gyms, you know? | ||
| It is expensive. | ||
| That does keep a lot of people out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I'm saying? | |
| Like, ah, it keeps out the riffraff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, that's a funny way of thinking it, right? | ||
| Jiu-jitsu is super expensive. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, not anymore. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Not anymore. | ||
| A lot of guys have like $1.75 a month, $2.50 a month. | ||
| I read that all over the place. | ||
| $2.50 a month, dude. | ||
| That's strong money. | ||
| That's strong money. | ||
| If you're making like, you know, $700 a week, which like a lot of people are, that's what you bring home. | ||
| If you're doing well, you're doing pretty well there. | ||
| Man, but that's where you live. | ||
| Where do you see that? | ||
| Wait, what gym are you driving by right now, Joe Rogan? | ||
| Well, it's not driving by. | ||
| I'm, like, reading shit online. | ||
| I'm, like, looking at how much people charge for jiu-jitsu classes. | ||
| People put their prices up online. | ||
| I think Henzo's somewhere around there. | ||
| I think John Jock's over, like, $175, I think it was. | ||
| Especially when a lot of people use it as an exercise. | ||
| And I pay, like, $39 a month for my gym. | ||
| Man, you go down there. | ||
| Bro, you go down there. | ||
| You're learning something. | ||
| You go down there. | ||
| You could talk him down. | ||
| Yo, you could talk Machado down. | ||
| Just talk Machado down. | ||
| Just come on. | ||
| He's a cool guy, right? | ||
| He's worth everything and more. | ||
| He's great. | ||
| But I understand if people are broke. | ||
| I understand. | ||
| No, I'm saying if I was a broke motherfucker, I would roll up in there and be like, dude, come on, man. | ||
| Just give me some jiu-jitsu. | ||
| Just a little bit. | ||
| Just give me some, bro. | ||
| Just give me some. | ||
| Six weeks out. | ||
| Don't worry. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| I'll pay you. | ||
| That's cute. | ||
| I don't like this new setup. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at this. | |
| What's what? | ||
| Because it's me and Red Band sitting here, man. | ||
| That's so we can see each other. | ||
| But now we look like we're in goddamn aliens. | ||
| Like we're in the bunker right now. | ||
| We're in a bunker over here and Joe Rogan is Missile Command right now. | ||
| Joe Rogan is like... | ||
| I'm touching you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know you're touching me, but I can't even tell we're in the same room right now. | |
| You shouldn't be paying attention to these electronics. | ||
| You're just looking at the screen. | ||
| Look at me, man. | ||
| I know, but this is what everyone else sees. | ||
| No, most people don't see shit. | ||
| Look, me and him, look. | ||
| We're in a bunker. | ||
| Me and Redman are in a bunker right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, Joe Rogan is somewhere in this house. | |
| Joe Rogan is here. | ||
| I guess people don't... | ||
| Sometimes they just listen to this thing. | ||
| Most people are listening. | ||
| Oh, my bad. | ||
| It's a tiny fraction that people are actually watching. | ||
| Man, but what about my screenshot? | ||
| What about my screenshot? | ||
| They're like, this guy is loud as fuck. | ||
| Oh, my bad. | ||
| And what is he talking about? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| They don't even know we're talking about the computer screen. | ||
| They have no idea what you're talking about. | ||
| Oh, well, here's the punchline, everybody. | ||
| It's the computer screen I was talking about. | ||
| Yeah, he's looking at the computer screen, what the live viewers are saying. | ||
| Jason Mayhem Miller... | ||
| Taking some big shots since the last time I seen him. | ||
| Yeah, I've been taking some shots, man. | ||
| But hey, what's the deal with the... | ||
| What is the most you've ever felt like after a sparring session or after a fight? | ||
| What's the most you've ever felt like? | ||
| Whoa, I just gotta settle the fuck down after this one. | ||
| What's the most? | ||
| Which fight was the most? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can't remember. | |
| Do you remember? | ||
| After a fight? | ||
| Or a sparring session? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Because you've had some crazy sparring sessions. | ||
| I had some dumb ones. | ||
| Like Barone, you and Barone used to slam it out. | ||
| Me and Barone used to damn box it out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, man, I'm like, yeah, this is fun. | |
| But afterwards, you're like, oh, man, I'm stupid right now. | ||
| There's a lot of guys. | ||
| I mean, how many guys do you know that did that too much and they're just not there anymore? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| There's a few guys, right? | ||
| I know one guy. | ||
| 42. I know a few guys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I'm starting to know guys. | ||
| Guys that used to be okay, now they're not. | ||
| Well, I mean, I don't really know Nick Diaz, but you know what I'm saying? | ||
| Right. | ||
| The signs are there. | ||
| If you don't know, this has been addressed on a previous podcast with Jason Mayhem Miller, but there was a big incident at CBS where Jason got into the cage and asked Jade Shields a question. | ||
| He got jumped by everybody, and it was nuts. | ||
| Nick Diaz was one of the guys that was involved. | ||
| Did he throw the first punch? | ||
| Allegedly? | ||
| Is that what happened? | ||
| No. | ||
| Simultaneously with like three other people. | ||
| It's probably the best picture ever. | ||
| Me with my hands up like, what's up guys? | ||
| So ridiculous. | ||
| That's the best picture ever taken. | ||
| It was so unnecessary. | ||
| It was so unnecessary on so many fronts. | ||
| And we talked about this the last time, but we should bring it up again. | ||
| I think it was bullshit that you got in trouble for it. | ||
| I think, I go, he got jumped, he got assaulted. | ||
| Yes, he shouldn't have been in the cage, but it doesn't mean you should be assaulting him. | ||
| And I don't even think it's their fault because it's so many fucking people in the cage that shouldn't have been in there. | ||
| You can't have that many people. | ||
| So who are you blaming right now? | ||
| I'm blaming Strikeforce for letting you guys get close to each other. | ||
| They should have been regulating it. | ||
| They should have watched the cage. | ||
| I think they were fucked up to jump you for sure. | ||
| But I think the reason why they jumped you is you were allowed to get into that cage. | ||
| You shouldn't have been allowed to. | ||
| You should have had it all set up. | ||
| It should have been like how they would deal to the UFC. If you were going to come in and you were going to challenge him after a fight, you would wait. | ||
| And then when Jake was done talking, then we'd say, all right, now I have a guy who would really love to sit down and talk to you right now. | ||
| Jason, Mayhem, Miller, and you would come in. | ||
| So it's like respectful. | ||
| They fucked up by just leaving the door open. | ||
| What are you going to leave the door open and do this to get hyped up? | ||
| When you want to do something simultaneous on TV, when you're doing something on TV, so I'm sure you're thinking like, fuck, what am I doing? | ||
| I'm going to get in. | ||
| All right, here we go. | ||
| I'm just going to do this. | ||
| It makes perfect sense. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| I was like, yeah, let's do this. | ||
| There's very little filter on my brain. | ||
| Were you sober at the time? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Totally sober. | ||
| Yeah, I was like, but, hmm, is this a good idea? | ||
| I just fought earlier that night. | ||
| Right, that's right. | ||
| I fought earlier that night, so I was already still psyched. | ||
| I'm like, yeah, okay. | ||
| Oh, so you're flying high. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| So I was real pumped. | ||
| I mean, you know. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| And then all of a sudden, I'm in a brawl, and I tweet, whoops. | ||
| So you start up this website, don'tbescaredhomie.com, because Nick Diaz, is it difficult to get a fight with him? | ||
| Is that what's going on? | ||
| What's the actual real... | ||
| He's scared, homie. | ||
| All I know is what I read on the internet. | ||
| Tell me what's going on. | ||
| Man. | ||
| He says, don't be scared, homie, all the time. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's his... | ||
| He says, don't be scared, homie. | ||
| That's his little tagline. | ||
| I stole it. | ||
| It's mine now. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| And look, the guy... | ||
| So you own Don't Bescared Homie.com? | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| And that site is all dedicated to you getting a fight with Nick Diaz. | ||
| Well, you know, to me, I like, yeah, definitely. | ||
| You are a nightmare. | ||
| Can you imagine if you pissed Mayhem off and Mayhem was coming after you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no! | |
| What a nightmare! | ||
| He's relentless! | ||
| He's relentless! | ||
| It's not like you're just calling some random person out. | ||
| You're calling a guy out who's an MMA fighter who you have an altercation with. | ||
| He's fought so many times, 183. He always fights there. | ||
| But then when it's me, somebody he's talked shit about, like, for years the guy's talked shit about me, and without saying my name, all these guys, these F-bombs with painted hair, these Joe Rogan words with painted hair, you know, like, he's, you know... | ||
| He said all these terrible things about you. | ||
| Yeah, all the time. | ||
| So what is the... | ||
| When it comes down to signing a contract, what is the problem? | ||
| Yeah, no, his manager comes on and says, Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, if he fights at 178, I'm like, okay, cool. | |
| I'll fight Alistair Overeem. | ||
| He just has to make 190. That's it. | ||
| I'll fight him. | ||
| I'll fucking fight this motherfucker this weekend. | ||
| I bet you will. | ||
| 190. He's got to make 190. Right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think that mic is loose. | ||
| Can you push that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa, whoa, whoa. | |
| Dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ow. | |
| That hurts my ears. | ||
| Oh, sorry, bro. | ||
| There we go. | ||
| It's loose a bit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Here. | |
| I got it. | ||
| I got it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on. | |
| Don't touch me, red man. | ||
| So, he's saying that he wants you to get down to 178, which is highly unlikely. | ||
| You would be so drained. | ||
| They want to do it in January. | ||
| Like, yeah, there's no way. | ||
| Jason used to fight. | ||
| He fought in the UFC at 170. And you saw me? | ||
| I was a goddamn skeleton. | ||
| God, dude. | ||
| I was a skeleton. | ||
| It was the dumbest thing I ever did. | ||
| You were so drawn out. | ||
| Yeah, I was like, why did I do that? | ||
| Like, I was... | ||
| Dude, you and I had a conversation about it where I was yelling at you. | ||
| I was like, you can't do this, man. | ||
| I'm like, this is too much, man. | ||
| This ain't good. | ||
| There's a lot of guys, man, that I think fight better when they don't have to cut weight. | ||
| They just feel better. | ||
| Like, look how much better BJ looked in his last fight. | ||
| And I don't know if that's just the way they match up with him and Matt Hughes, but he just looked like going into the cage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Healthy. | |
| He did not look healthy when he made 155 last time. | ||
| He always does. | ||
| He always looks a little drawn out. | ||
| He always looks great during the fight time, but he always looks a little drawn out. | ||
| That takes something out of you, man. | ||
| That's a magic that you don't... | ||
| Man, it's hard to do. | ||
| You make sure to... | ||
| Even cutting a little bit of weight is scheduling yourself really well. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| You gotta be real disciplined. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Suck the water out the right way and rehydrate the right way. | ||
| Do you use IVs? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| You should always use IVs, right? | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| Because I hear about some guys don't like to use them. | ||
| I'm like, God damn. | ||
| They feel like they're doing something gross if they're sticking a needle in them. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah, whatever. | ||
| That's science. | ||
| You should put more in there. | ||
| That's the way to do it, if you're going to do it at all. | ||
| Yeah, because you have to drop weight. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| What do you think about guys like Frankie Edgar, guys that just don't cut any weight at all? | ||
| They just fight at what they fight at? | ||
| No. | ||
| I mean, you know, that's awesome. | ||
| Do you think there's a benefit to that? | ||
| There's got to be a benefit physically, right? | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| You don't have to cut the weight, so you don't have to damage yourself that bad. | ||
| How much do you damage yourself? | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| I think sitting in a hot box for a long time will take years off your life, for sure. | ||
| Oh, fuck yeah. | ||
| Oh, thanks. | ||
| He reached in and adjusted the microphone like he was changing the collar on a tiger. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I pre-planned it for like 10 or 15 seconds. | |
| I was looking at it like, alright, I'm just going to go in there real quick and be like, I even thought about, hey Jason, look at that over there, and doing one of those things. | ||
| So if you, let me get back to the subject, because this is a fascinating subject for me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| If you lose weight, so say if, what do you walk around, like 210, something like that? | ||
| Yeah, well, actually, less than that, 207, 208. When you get to the point where you're about to cut weight, like when you're in training camp, when do you start to dehydrate yourself? | ||
| Do you take like just a couple of days? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, like three days out. | |
| Three days? | ||
| Well, two really. | ||
| And so when you start at two, how heavy are you? | ||
| I don't know, probably 203, 202. So you've got to lose somewhere between 15-17 pounds? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| But I've already reduced my calories at the beginning of the week, so I'm losing some... | ||
| Like salad, I'm really light, and most of my calories are from water, calories. | ||
| So I'm hydrated, then boom, and then drop my weight all the day down there. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I mean, I know it'll take some time off your life because I'm sitting in the sauna box with the damn plastic suit on doing hoppies. | ||
| Right. | ||
| One, two, three, four, five, six. | ||
| But you think the benefit that it gives you on your page is well worth it? | ||
| Well, I mean, both of us are doing it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So, you know what I mean? | ||
| Like, both guys are, like, bigger anyway. | ||
| Isn't that crazy, though? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, what the hell? | ||
| Every competitive edge. | ||
| I know, but if you're both trying to find it. | ||
| If you're both doing it, is it a competitive edge? | ||
| Yeah, I mean, it would be better if you could just shake hands. | ||
| Shake hands and both don't do it. | ||
| Shake hands and fight. | ||
| Yeah, just say, listen, man, you weigh what you weigh. | ||
| Don't get crazy. | ||
| Everybody's nervous, you know, whatever. | ||
| I know, it's a funny thing, though. | ||
| It has to be like that. | ||
| I wish we could just shake hands like, yo, let's just do it like this weekend, bro. | ||
| Like, you know? | ||
| Like, no cutting weight. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Like, let's just step off our bar stools right now. | ||
| The cutting weight thing is, I think it's a very unfortunate situation. | ||
| Hey man, look, you're not fucking doing it, bro. | ||
| It's a fucking headache. | ||
| It's the only part of my job that I'm like, this is bullshit. | ||
| It's the only part of my job, like, man, I wish I could just go, hey dude, let's keep it real right now. | ||
| The fights would be better too, right? | ||
| Everybody would have more energy. | ||
| But that was the question. | ||
| What percentage do you think it takes away from you? | ||
| Say if you're at 100% at 210. I don't know, man. | ||
| I want to say 100%. | ||
| I'm back. | ||
| I want to say that. | ||
| Yeah, I want to say that. | ||
| You want to say that when you rehydrate, you get back to 100%? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| I've had it where I'm like, yeah, 24 hours. | ||
| So you've got it down to a science now. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| When I'm 24 hours, most of them, I've fucked up before, for sure. | ||
| Like, I've had bad equipment and that kind of thing. | ||
| Fucking, in Chicago, we didn't have a damn dry sauna. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, no dry sauna. | ||
| It's, you know, fucking sucks. | ||
| So what do you do then? | ||
| Do you turn the heat on or something? | ||
| Oh my god, we're in there anyway, trying to sweat the weight out. | ||
| And it took forever, and I was fucking dying. | ||
| And I had to go 5'5", 25. But, you know, 5 by 25, you know. | ||
| But, damn. | ||
| What do you call it? | ||
| It's just like part of the game, you know. | ||
| So what? | ||
| Don't cry about it. | ||
| You chose this life. | ||
| Right, so you just figure out another way to cut. | ||
| What do you do if you don't have a sauna? | ||
| So you have to cut. | ||
| How many pounds of water are you trying to cut by the last day? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh... | |
| 10-ish? | ||
| 10, yeah. | ||
| Well, maybe like... | ||
| I've tried to make it like 9-ish, but... | ||
| I've cut weight perfect before, but, you know, sometimes it'll be 10 or 11. So how do you do that if you don't have a sauna? | ||
| Does anyone try to trick you? | ||
| We did it, bro! | ||
| I did it before that fight! | ||
| Yeah, but you said you didn't have a sauna, right? | ||
| Yeah, we didn't have a sauna, but I did it. | ||
| What'd you do instead? | ||
| It was a steam room. | ||
| It was a steam room. | ||
| Oh, so you did it in a steam room. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, so we didn't have the sauna. | ||
| It's the same thing, right? | ||
| You sweat it out, right? | ||
| Is it the same? | ||
| It's not really, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, it's not the same. | |
| It's all the moisture on you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It cools you off, so it takes longer? | ||
| It makes you die. | ||
| But, you know, whatever. | ||
| That just means I had a bike harder and stuff like that. | ||
| I had to, like, sweat myself out worse, you know? | ||
| So you think that after the IVs and everything like that, your performance is at 100% of your capacity? | ||
| If you do it right. | ||
| If you do it right. | ||
| If you fuck up, I mean, that's just how it is. | ||
| Man, there's a fucking science to this shit. | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| I mean, but, you know, and my coach knows how much I sweat. | ||
| Like, he's like, oh, we got it timed out about right. | ||
| Like, oh, he's got to do this. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, we time it. | ||
| Because everybody is different, right? | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| And a good coach has to recognize that and be working with a bunch of different guys to see a bunch of different variables. | ||
| There's some dudes who can't really cut that much weight. | ||
| They get to a certain point, their body just doesn't work anymore. | ||
| And some dudes can do it. | ||
| Some dudes can do superhuman amounts. | ||
| You know, like Tiago Alves, like Gleason Tebow. | ||
| What the fuck, dude? | ||
| Gleason Tebow fights at 155, and the dude is huge. | ||
| He's gigantic. | ||
| When he gets in the cage, he's got these bodybuilder arms and back and shit, and you're like, this motherfucker weighs 155? | ||
| He looks like he's easily 185. He looks like he's 30 pounds heavier. | ||
| I mean, I don't know what he actually weighs when he gets in the cage. | ||
| They do that with boxing. | ||
| They make the guys weigh in the day of. | ||
| I don't think they want to see those numbers in the UFC. I know, they're so different. | ||
| I don't think they want to see no 30s. | ||
| You might see a 30 with Thiago Alves. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You would, yeah. | |
| You might see a 30. You might see a 200. 200 pound welterweight. | ||
| Holy shit, dude. | ||
| That's a lot of goddamn weight to lose. | ||
| I don't know how these guys do it. | ||
| They all have different methods and every camp has their own dude who's the master at that shit. | ||
| What camp is the best at cutting weight? | ||
| There's some camps that are just known for cutting tremendous amounts of weight. | ||
| Like ATT. They're known. | ||
| American Top Team. | ||
| They're known for doing it. | ||
| They cut a lot of weight? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Do they have a guy? | ||
| How does that work? | ||
| Do they have one guy who's the master trainer and master weight cut strategist? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| How do you guys do it? | ||
| Does Ryan? | ||
| Ryan Parsons? | ||
| More so, you need somebody who can... | ||
| Because you kind of know yourself. | ||
| So, moreover, you need somebody to know exactly when to do it. | ||
| Like, be your coach. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Through it. | ||
| And Ryan, he knows how to... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't do it. | |
| You guys have such an interesting relationship. | ||
| Now, for people who don't know, Ryan Parsons, he's been around for many, many years. | ||
| Coached some of the great guys in the business. | ||
| Spent a lot of time with Dan Henderson and Randy Couture. | ||
| He's a brilliant guy. | ||
| A very, very brilliant guy. | ||
| He's a manager and trainer to you and just a couple other fighters. | ||
| You and King Mo and this new guy, what's his name, Pat? | ||
| Yeah, Pat. | ||
| Yeah, Pat Cummins. | ||
| Durkin! | ||
| And he works with just a few guys. | ||
| You guys have this incredibly tight relationship, man. | ||
| That's a trip, you know? | ||
| Good guy. | ||
| Great guy. | ||
| Great guy. | ||
| But the whole setup, the way you guys have it, you know? | ||
| Like this one guy running around training and managing this fucking select group of killers and guiding them. | ||
| Yeah, it's cool. | ||
| It's an interesting situation. | ||
| It is. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| It's like, you know, we're a tight-knit group and we all train hard and whatever. | ||
| You know, it's like we don't need to... | ||
| Open the floodgates and... | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| Yeah, individualized attention is definitely better, right? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, definitely. | ||
| And a core, tight group that you can totally, completely count on. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And yo, that's a team. | ||
| We're a team, but we're not like, hey, everybody come hang out with us and train with us. | ||
| We're a tight-knit team. | ||
| Yeah, for people who don't know, like, you're such a wild dude. | ||
| You're always crazy and yelling and shit, but you're very disciplined, right? | ||
| And that's what people probably either wouldn't expect or don't understand. | ||
| You're very disciplined. | ||
| Even though you're wild, you don't show up for fights out of shape. | ||
| Maybe there's one or two times in your whole career where you haven't taken someone as seriously as you should have. | ||
| But you're pretty goddamn disciplined. | ||
| Yeah, I am. | ||
| I'm a dork. | ||
| I want to play video games. | ||
| Right, but look how much time you spend training. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| No, but what I'm saying is you go train and then you play video games. | ||
| That's like, yeah, I'm going to play video games after this. | ||
| Or, you know, yeah, that's my reward. | ||
| Or, you know, whatever. | ||
| Like, I don't know. | ||
| I like to read and write stuff. | ||
| It's easier to live that way. | ||
| So going back to this Nick Diaz thing. | ||
| So you've been trying so hard to get this fight. | ||
| And what are they saying? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're just saying no. | |
| The only way to do it is if you'll fight at 178. They're saying no. | ||
| That's saying no. | ||
| That's saying no. | ||
| 178 is saying no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But he's fought at 183. Yeah, plenty of times. | |
| He fought Scott Smith. | ||
| He's fought Frank Shamrock. | ||
| Who else did he fight that way? | ||
| I don't know, guys that he could beat up. | ||
| But he can't beat me up. | ||
| This is a fucking very important fight for you, huh? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, I don't know. | ||
| I'm angry about the whole thing. | ||
| I'm like, I need this. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, I'm going to beat you up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You shouldn't have jumped me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm a nice guy. | |
| He bullied me. | ||
| He bullied me. | ||
| Right. | ||
| He bullied me. | ||
| You need to beat him down. | ||
| Yeah, bully beat down. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Oh yeah, Thursday's at 10.30. | ||
| Thursday's at 10.30. | ||
| I need a Thursday's at 10.30. | ||
| On MTV. On MTV. There's a clip from season three, which is fantastic that you should watch. | ||
| What? | ||
| The clip? | ||
| Yeah, where you got in there. | ||
| You got in the ring. | ||
| Oh, wait. | ||
| Tweet it at me, bro. | ||
| Why don't you tweet me, bro? | ||
| I did. | ||
| I tweeted it today. | ||
| Did you tweet it today? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I'm looking back through Red Band, and if you didn't tweet it today, I'm going to get so bummed right now. | ||
| I tweeted it today. | ||
| Actually, somebody tweeted it to me, and I retweeted it. | ||
| Oh, so you just gave me a retweet. | ||
| Listen, man. | ||
| I don't know, bro. | ||
| If it doesn't have your name on it, I feel a little fucking hurt. | ||
| It does have your name on it. | ||
| See, look. | ||
| I'll show it to you right here. | ||
| No, it doesn't have your name on it. | ||
| Joe Rogan, Red Bam. | ||
| Have you seen Mayim Miller beat down this bully? | ||
| Huge slams and grappling ground, effortless omissions. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hell, man. | |
| Yo, actually, yo, bro, I put the guy on a fillotine. | ||
| Phil Barone used to have this... | ||
| I don't know if he still does it. | ||
| I hope he still does it. | ||
| If he still does it, he's going to break someone's neck. | ||
| He does a front headlock choke, but you keep your belly on top of his head so you can lift him off the ground with his neck. | ||
| Scott Jorgensen did that to somebody in the WEC. He fillotined somebody? | ||
| It's like a front choke. | ||
| Lin-Lin does it too, right? | ||
| Yeah, kind of. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, kind of. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Man. | ||
| You just jujitsu dorked everybody. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I just realized I jujitsu nerded everybody right now. | |
| My bad. | ||
| Me and you were like, sorry everybody. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That wasn't very, you guys don't get that joke. | |
| It's a technique, yeah, we were totally indescriptive. | ||
| Yeah, we were. | ||
| You get a guy, you get your hands locked under his chin and then you place your body, your belly, over the top of the back of his head and as you lift him up, his neck is basically trapped against your chest cavity. | ||
| So he kind of Yeah, you hoist him up in the air by his fucking neck. | ||
| It's gnarly. | ||
| And it's very hard to stop. | ||
| If a guy, a strong guy, a strong wrestler, gets that shit locked up. | ||
| It's like doing a backwards row. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You just go like this. | ||
| It's nasty. | ||
| It's nasty. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| I'm sorry, Eric. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Eric. | |
| Eric. | ||
| Last time he was Chris, right? | ||
| I know. | ||
| He was Chris, and you called him Chris, and then he was Chris on the message board for like weeks afterwards. | ||
| People just kept fucking torturing him, calling him Chris. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm Chris, I'm Eric. | |
| Chris. | ||
| Chris, I'm Eric. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Eric. | |
| I'm Christy. | ||
| Let's play nice-nice, Mr. Miller. | ||
| So when you do that show, I mean, without giving away too much of how the show is done. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| That episode was amazing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh yeah, tweet it at me again and I'll tweet it back at you. | |
| And we'll fucking do a double tweet back right now. | ||
| I mean, I had never been so happy. | ||
| That was like one of the most happiest episodes ever. | ||
| But this was the question, like how much is that coached? | ||
| Is that kid just being a douchey, that's his douchey self? | ||
| Is that real? | ||
| Dude... | ||
| It's totally real. | ||
| Nobody tells him, listen, let's ham it up for the camera. | ||
| We could go, let's... | ||
| We're beating up mentally disabled people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm just joking. | |
| Oh, man. | ||
| No, I don't know. | ||
| These guys are just, you know... | ||
| They're just super cocky. | ||
| They're knuckleheads, yeah. | ||
| They're knuckleheads. | ||
| Everybody has a knucklehead on the block, man. | ||
| Watch this joke. | ||
| So this kid... | ||
| This kid who got in there with you, this kid has no martial arts experience. | ||
| The best part about the whole thing is that the guy called me out, too. | ||
| And I was like, man, what a coincidence. | ||
| I was like, hey, buddy, what a coincidence. | ||
| He's like, you're next, bro. | ||
| And I'm like, I'm next. | ||
| I'm like, yeah, I am next because there's nobody in front of me. | ||
| Because he doesn't know. | ||
| He doesn't know that it's me. | ||
| And I busted out. | ||
| Man, it's a great episode. | ||
| I watched it. | ||
| Oh, you did? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, I watched it, dude. | ||
| It was like a tiger and a mouse. | ||
| You beat the fuck out of that kid. | ||
| You manhandled him. | ||
| But what people don't know is you were being very nice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| No, I was being surgical. | ||
| Surgical. | ||
| I was like being surgical. | ||
| I was like, all right, here he comes. | ||
| Even when you punched and kicked him, I could see you weren't kicking him that hard. | ||
| I'd just go give him one good one. | ||
| One good one, and that was it. | ||
| I knew you're not going to hurt him real bad if you just kick his leg. | ||
| Oh, my leg! | ||
| By the end of it, he was like, okay, I'm over this. | ||
| And you hit him with a body kick, is that what stopped him? | ||
| Yeah, the first thing I did, yeah, I hit him with a body kick. | ||
| I just let him come and kicked him with a body kick. | ||
| Yeah, and you didn't even hit him that hard. | ||
| No, no, it was with the shin pads on, too. | ||
| I'm like, man, come on, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was like, really? | |
| It's kind of crazy, though, that you could ever get in a situation where a kid who's just some punk bully kid could ever get into a situation where he's on television and he's fighting you. | ||
| Well, welcome to America. | ||
| What a fucking... | ||
| Who sanctions this shit? | ||
| Who says this is okay? | ||
| Is it because it's a sparring session? | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| Yeah, we're in sparring gear. | ||
| Because you easily could have been the Strikeforce champion. | ||
| If you had ten more seconds in that round when you had Jake's back... | ||
| I say three. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| You think you haven't? | ||
| Yeah, I had it. | ||
| You had it dark. | ||
| He was turning purple, the whole deal. | ||
| So, okay, you could have potentially been a world champion, and you're allowed to just get in there and beat the fuck out of some kid who's never really sparred, never really fought before, never competed. | ||
| It was beautiful. | ||
| Poor fuck. | ||
| That kid. | ||
| That kid, he might just... | ||
| I feel like there's some professional courtesy. | ||
| Turn into a gay hooker now. | ||
| He might just... | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| I mean, when somebody just... | ||
| A tranny hooker? | ||
| I think you'd be the hottest tranny hooker. | ||
| He might have so little self-esteem. | ||
| He might just start... | ||
| Just give up on life. | ||
| Ah, come on. | ||
| We're in America, bro. | ||
| That shit would devastate you, dude. | ||
| You're a young man, you think you're the shit, and you're an asshole, and you're an asshole on television, and these guys, he's really an asshole to those guys? | ||
| That wasn't bullshit? | ||
| If this guy grows from it, well, there you go. | ||
| I'm doing a service. | ||
| If he grows from it. | ||
| Yeah, if he grows from it. | ||
| He seems like it did, too. | ||
| Yeah, it's like, it grows or it's going to kill you. | ||
| You get two options. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wait, are you trying to say that one of my contestants is going to go jump off a bridge because we got beat up on MTV's Bully Beatdown? | ||
| I think a lot of douchebags are in utter pain, and that's why they're douchebags. | ||
| Any big, huge, devastating thing like this could go one or two ways. | ||
| They could either learn from it and grow from it and realize they were being a shithead, or they just become devastated. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dish! | |
| Oh my god. | ||
| You just hit the rocks like this. | ||
| You're making me depressed about my job, Joe Rogan. | ||
| You just hit the rocks like this. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| That's just life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| You think they're going to jump off into a harbor of some sort? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I think they're in a boat, a speedboat, and they're headed towards the cliff. | ||
| They don't even bother slowing down. | ||
| You know what I think is going to happen? | ||
| I think that guy is going to go and beat the fuck out of those two guys that put on the show now. | ||
| I think he's going to be a super bully now, and he's going to hate them even more and fucking steal money for a moment. | ||
| And then I'll fight him in a cage to the death. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| With a tire iron and a trash can lid as a shield. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| You've thought this out. | ||
| Would you have one of those leather straps inside the trash can? | ||
| Are you kidding me? | ||
| Why the hell not? | ||
| You don't want to hold the trash can handle, right? | ||
| You would want to customize that. | ||
| Yeah, to cover it around. | ||
| Actually, maybe we could do pipes. | ||
| Pipes that look cool. | ||
| Isn't it crazy that just a thousand years ago, that's how they were rocking it? | ||
| They had a shield and a sword, and that's how you took over a town. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fucking A, man! | ||
| Could you imagine? | ||
| I'm just trying to think, what, in a thousand years or not? | ||
| Just trying to mind your own business, just chilling, hanging out with your wife and kids, and you see, over the horizon, a group of men with swords and shields. | ||
| You're like, these motherfuckers. | ||
| And they're just gonna come, and everybody they don't know, they're gonna fuck or kill. | ||
| What is it gonna be? | ||
| Fuck or kill. | ||
| Fuck then kill. | ||
| Kill then fuck. | ||
| That's the whole deal. | ||
| I think it sucks no matter who's coming over the hill trying to fuck or kill you. | ||
| It's amazing that people didn't just kill us. | ||
| I mean, I think there would be... | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Back then? | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| Get out of here, bro. | ||
| In the medieval days when people were hacking each other with swords, it's amazing people didn't say, I'm just going to jump off a fucking cliff. | ||
| Life sucks. | ||
| This is ridiculous. | ||
| Everywhere we go, there's fucking courts of barbarians coming over the hills with axes and shit. | ||
| That doesn't happen all the time. | ||
| That would happen one side every, you know, 16 weeks. | ||
| Like, you wouldn't like, you know, you'd just fucking leave. | ||
| You just leave? | ||
| Yeah, you just leave. | ||
| You're like, whatever. | ||
| All those fucking guys that Genghis Khan killed, they're just lazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're just laying around. | ||
| They should have got out of there. | ||
| That's business, bro. | ||
| Everybody's gonna die. | ||
| I'd rather get hacked up by barbarians than fucking go out the way I'm probably gonna go. | ||
| Whoa, wait a minute. | ||
| How are you planning on going out? | ||
| How are you planning on going out that's worse than getting hacked up by barbarians? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you talk to Dr. Phil about this when you were on the show? | |
| Whatever, bro. | ||
| That would be more fun. | ||
| Worst ways to die? | ||
| That's right up there, bro. | ||
| No way, bro. | ||
| You'd just be like, oh shit, and then dead. | ||
| Maybe not. | ||
| Maybe they gut you. | ||
| Maybe they hang you by your ankles. | ||
| I'm saying, but I would fight the guy for sure. | ||
| They would have to fucking kill me. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I'm fighting him back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| I hear you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right? | |
| You wouldn't fight him back? | ||
| You might get a couple of them. | ||
| You might get a couple of them. | ||
| Do him with a sword and doesn't know what you can do? | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| I'll double leg the dude and then fucking steal his sword. | ||
| Right off his fucking back of his horse. | ||
| Man, I already thought about this. | ||
| Tackle the dude off of his horse. | ||
| Then fucking grab his sword and just take out as many as I can. | ||
| Hopefully it'll be a Jackie Chan scene. | ||
| But if not, fuck it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whatever. | |
| I'll just go out and fucking arm his arm. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck! | |
| Would you have a different strategy if a dude had a double-edged sword or a single-edged sword? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| You would look at him, you'd say, the single-edged sword, this guy fucked up. | ||
| I would try to make an assessment as much as possible, but if they're just coming, they're coming. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| I hit your microphone. | ||
| Man, this fucking bunker's falling apart, bro. | ||
| Let me fix it. | ||
| Patch this place up, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't think there's anything wrong with it. | |
| There is, obviously. | ||
| I think you just keep hitting it. | ||
| All right, there. | ||
| Nah, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Hello? | ||
| All right. | ||
| Anyway, what the hell are we talking about, barbarians? | ||
| Let's get into something different. | ||
| Because now I'm talking about... | ||
| What a strange conversation that is that dudes always have. | ||
| If a guy was coming at you with a sword... | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| We're totally dooting out right now. | ||
| Yo, bro, you know what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
A bear could fucking definitely kill a walrus so quick. | |
| Those are the best, though, when there's instructionals online where dudes are defending against swords. | ||
| Yeah, what do you mean? | ||
| I've seen it. | ||
| Well, you know, sometimes you've got to worry about that. | ||
| When I was a kid, I was, like, always reading those karate magazines, like, well, why would you have to fight a dude with a knife? | ||
| I'm like, damn, that sucks. | ||
| And if he... | ||
| I figured the guy already knows... | ||
| If you're getting stabbed, the dude's just going to stab you anyway, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| If he's not going to show you, that would be the best way to get stabbed. | ||
| No one's going to come at you for the karate chop. | ||
| Well, maybe if they want to threaten you, they want to show it to you before they stick you. | ||
| Oh, but you know that now you have to jump and do the disarm? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Most people will stab you. | ||
| They don't even want you to know they're going to stab you. | ||
| Right? | ||
| They try to sneak in on you. | ||
| Ding! | ||
| Well, like what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was racist, bro. | |
| A little racist, bro. | ||
| Red band, what? | ||
| Isn't that amazing that just saying noises like that could be racist if you said that? | ||
| Would you say ping-ping-chong? | ||
| No, I just said ding-dong. | ||
| No, you said ching-chong, bro. | ||
| You sounded like an Asian person from a 1950s movie. | ||
| I know I would never offend Asians around man. | ||
| You know what's the craziest thing? | ||
| In the back of the day, man, those black and white movies, they used to have, what was that fucking... | ||
| There was one television show that they used to do, or a movie series they used to do, about a Chinese detective. | ||
| And they had a white guy playing the Chinese detective. | ||
| Is this Jeopardy? | ||
| I know, man. | ||
| You're like... | ||
| It's an old-ass show. | ||
| I'm sure someone on Twitter will know what it is. | ||
| It was an old-ass show. | ||
| What was it again? | ||
| It was a white dude, but he played this Chinese detective. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| This wise, old Asian detective. | ||
| But it was a white dude who played it. | ||
| And they had him in all this goofy... | ||
| It was goofy-ass makeup. | ||
| Because it's like 1930 and shit. | ||
| Oh, that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And so they had this dude... | ||
| Well, you know what? | ||
| I can understand that. | ||
| Back then, nobody knew Asian people. | ||
| You couldn't get a good Chinese actor. | ||
| You couldn't get a good Chinese actor in that. | ||
| And they didn't want to give the job to the actor. | ||
| Charlie Chan, thank you. | ||
| How did I not remember that? | ||
| I almost had that without even knowing what the fuck you were talking about. | ||
| I think I blocked Charlie out of my mind because of Jackie. | ||
| I think I was going to say because of Vietnam. | ||
| Jackie Chan? | ||
| No. | ||
| Vietnam. | ||
| Oh, the word Charlie? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| What the fuck is wrong with you? | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| I was like, how did Joe Rogan not get that? | ||
| Charlie Chan. | ||
| He never watched Army movies, bro? | ||
| He never played Call of Duty Black Ops? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He hasn't. | |
| No, I haven't. | ||
| I've been trying to get him to play that. | ||
| But Bruce Buffer, when I was at the airport, Bruce Buffer was playing Call of Duty while I was waiting for his plane. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| We were in England. | ||
| Bro, I have played EA Sports. | ||
| Jack's dudes with his laptop. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's awesome. | ||
| Yeah, he was sitting there with his fucking... | ||
| He's got his, like, diamonds on and shit, and his, you know, his silver Distinguished hair, and he's sitting there on his MacBook playing Call of Duty Jack of Duty. | ||
| How could he do it with his mouse pad, though? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That seems so hard. | |
| Oh, he just doesn't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| I don't know. | ||
| He's moving his fingers around. | ||
| It does seem pretty hard. | ||
| Yeah, that ain't the way to run. | ||
| I'll try that, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whatever. | |
| Well, I mean, he seemed to be doing it, you know? | ||
| Yeah, I got it in 3D, Jay. | ||
| Have you played in 3D yet? | ||
| What? | ||
| Oh, yeah! | ||
| And you can look down the sniper thing and it looks like it's just this huge sniper tunnel. | ||
| No way. | ||
| It's so cool. | ||
| And this is because you have the 3D TV too, right? | ||
| I have that too, bro. | ||
| I know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bump it. | |
| Boop. | ||
| Both of you have 3D TVs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're nerds! | |
| Innovators, motherfucker. | ||
| You are a nerd. | ||
| That's what a lot of people don't know, man. | ||
| You're a big-time computer nerd. | ||
| I like computers. | ||
| Who doesn't? | ||
| They're fucking amazing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I like this information in a box. | |
| It's something more than that, man. | ||
| It's everything. | ||
| It's people. | ||
| The whole fucking universe is connecting through these things. | ||
| We're going to eventually share one giant consciousness. | ||
| It's all going to be connected through electronics. | ||
| Yeah, huh. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
| It's just happening nice and slowly. | ||
| Nice and slowly, it's inevitable. | ||
| It's going in that direction for sure. | ||
| All this WikiLeaks shit, what this WikiLeaks shit represents is a new ethic. | ||
| What's going on is that there's going to be no more secrets anymore. | ||
| You can't have them anymore. | ||
| The exchange of information between people is going to be, at one point, it's going to be instantaneous and it's going to be all-encompassing. | ||
| We're going to have everything I know about you and everything you know about me, we're going to know everything about each other. | ||
| It's just inevitable. | ||
| You're telling me you're going to plug a chip into my brain? | ||
| We're going to blend into one thing. | ||
| I'm telling you, this is without a doubt where we're headed. | ||
| There's no question. | ||
| You're talking in a year or 3,000? | ||
| Well, obviously, look, if something crazy happens, like an asteroid or a tsunami... | ||
| Oh, we're fucking each other up, for sure. | ||
| Yo, I was talking to my manager the other day, my business manager, Matt, who's a great guy, and he's not a conspiracy theorist. | ||
| He's a real level-headed dude, and he lives in... | ||
| I don't want to say where he lives, but I said, do you ever think about living near the ocean? | ||
| Do you ever think about getting a place on the water? | ||
| That'd be kind of dope. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he goes, yeah, but I think about tsunamis. | |
| And I'm like, wow, yeah, you should think about tsunamis. | ||
| Fuck, we all should think about tsunamis. | ||
| At any point in time, the Earth could just decide to move a little bit, and a mile-high wall of water heads towards Los Angeles. | ||
| Like, that shit's real, man. | ||
| That could happen. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Or we get hit by an asteroid, something falls into the ocean, and a mile-high wall of water heads towards Los Angeles. | ||
| Could you fucking imagine? | ||
| Could you imagine? | ||
| It's part of the charm of the city. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You're going to die at any time. | ||
| It might be the only time. | ||
| Every time I'm in a parking garage in Los Angeles, I'm like, oh, this might be the time. | ||
| Is that why you live in the fucking top of a goddamn mountain? | ||
| Is that where you're getting at? | ||
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
| You live on a... | ||
| I have to drive all the way up a mountain because you're worried... | ||
| You're lucky I don't live in Colorado, bro. | ||
| We'd only be seeing each other when I come to LA. If it wasn't for my wife getting pregnant, I'd still be in Colorado. | ||
| You're worried about the water? | ||
| Dude, I worry about everything. | ||
| I'm a fucking freak. | ||
| I worry about meteor impacts. | ||
| I worry about the shifting of the polar ice caps. | ||
| I worry about pollution. | ||
| I worry about war. | ||
| Bro, you should go downhill mountain biking. | ||
| That's going to fix everything? | ||
| No, I think it needs to go skiing. | ||
| Nah, bro. | ||
| Well, I would, except I watched a detailed report on TV where a lady who was downhill mountain biking got attacked by a fucking mountain lion who ate her head. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| Don't you want to die like a cool wave? | ||
| Her friend was beating the mountain lion with a stick as it was dragging her screaming, bleeding friend with her face torn off into the bushes, and he's beating it with a stick. | ||
| So? | ||
| I saw that lady on TV, man, and I'm like, I don't think I'll be mountain biking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That shit didn't happen to you, but it could have shit. | |
| So that shit didn't happen to you. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Yeah, who cares? | ||
| You should do something outside your comfort zone, bro. | ||
| You think? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, for sure. | ||
| Skiing or something. | ||
| But I'm not comfortable with anything. | ||
| Oh, you're not? | ||
| Water boat. | ||
| What do I need to do that's outside my comfort zone? | ||
| Tell me, master. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I just feel like, don't be scared of life, bro. | |
| No, listen, I'm half fucking around. | ||
| I would totally mountain bike. | ||
| You're making me nervous. | ||
| I would half fuck around. | ||
| But you know, my dog was eaten by a mountain lion. | ||
| And I saw the mountain lion. | ||
| Wait, so you think there's some mountain lion with a, like, help for you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Out to get him. | |
| You understand what I'm saying, right? | ||
| I'm saying I have personal experience with them. | ||
| I know that they're dangerous as fuck. | ||
| If you're going to go mountain biking around here, you're going to run into mountain lions. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nah. | |
| You can. | ||
| It's possible. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| Percentage-wise, you'd probably be okay. | ||
| I would fight them for a minute. | ||
| Oh, you'd be fine. | ||
| You know what to do, but a girl on a fucking bike. | ||
| Very rare. | ||
| Very rare. | ||
| They don't fuck with men. | ||
| They have killed women. | ||
| They killed a 19-year-old girl last year in Canada. | ||
| Singer. | ||
| Is this a recording contract? | ||
| It's because of the period blood. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's hot shit. | |
| He wasn't even trying to be funny. | ||
| That's because he's got an animal mind. | ||
| Mayhem's got an animal mind. | ||
| Just thinking about it. | ||
| He's just thinking about it. | ||
| That's what I would smell. | ||
| I'd smell her period blood, for sure. | ||
| I'd be smelling that shit, and I think I'm going to eat this bitch. | ||
| How do you think I'd get all my girlfriends, bro? | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| Getting killed by wolves is pretty rare, too. | ||
| We've talked about that recently on the podcast. | ||
| I didn't know that wolves have killed people as recently as this year. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Wolves killed some women. | ||
| You're a food source, and you're in their little sector by yourself? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, you're fucked up. | ||
| Isn't it weird, though, that we have this weird thing with wolves where, you know, it used to be everyone was aware that wolves were really dangerous. | ||
| Yeah, but we came backwards now, huh? | ||
| We went backwards. | ||
| We're like, because wolves are, we dumbed down the wolf. | ||
| We fucked up. | ||
| We fucked them up so hardcore that we feel bad that we fucked them up. | ||
| But the reason we fucked them up is because wolves were eating babies and shit. | ||
| They were eating people. | ||
| Wolves have eaten people before. | ||
| There was a kid in 2005 that got eaten by a wolf, and there was this woman that got killed by a wolf this year. | ||
| They fucking killed people. | ||
| Wait, so I take it you don't go camping or anything? | ||
| Dude, I've been camping once, and a bear attacked our cooler, walked all over our car, tore our cooler to shreds. | ||
| Bro, maybe it's your destiny to get eaten by an animal. | ||
| You should just fucking Do it, bro. | ||
| Should I go with it? | ||
| Yeah, bro! | ||
| Or you should unsubscribe to Discovery. | ||
| Yeah, I'd be the first dude to die by ostrich bite. | ||
| Bro, you maybe... | ||
|
unidentified
|
You just need to turn off the Discovery channel at your house. | |
| That would be embarrassing, man, for all my friends. | ||
| How'd he die? | ||
| Fucking ostrich kicked his ass and ate him. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Like, fuck, he was covered in feathers, bro. | ||
| Look at Steve Irwin. | ||
| Meanwhile, ostriches, if they kick you, you're fucked. | ||
| Oh, of course. | ||
| Your guts will fall out of you. | ||
| They have giant... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I just got a whole new box set. | |
| Can I get your leftovers every once in a while? | ||
| Can I? I'll turn you on to some shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| No, I don't mean to turn me on like, I don't want to buy it myself. | ||
| Just let me borrow some DVDs. | ||
| Okay, I'll give you some DVDs. | ||
| I got some shit for you. | ||
| I got some interesting stuff. | ||
| You should switch to cartoons for a year or two. | ||
| I can't do it, dude. | ||
| I can't do it. | ||
| You know, this is what I do. | ||
| Okay, I'll go through my DVR. I'll see like, I watch HDNet fights. | ||
| I'll watch like that Anthony Bourdain no reservation show. | ||
| I see if there's any boxing matches that I missed. | ||
| And then I just go straight to all the space shows. | ||
| It's all the universe or it's all like some crazy shit on the science channel. | ||
| That's the only thing that's interesting to me. | ||
| I can't watch shows like a drama or a sitcom. | ||
| I can't do it. | ||
| I just, I can't do it. | ||
| I'll watch it for five minutes and I'll just go, oh! | ||
| Every now and then, Breaking Bad, I'll watch a cool drama. | ||
| Those are fun. | ||
| When I was getting tattooed, I was watching Breaking Bad. | ||
| I watched a bunch of it. | ||
| I watched two seasons of it. | ||
| It's pretty awesome. | ||
| I watched Always Sunny in Philadelphia. | ||
| Is that good? | ||
| God, it's a funny show. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| It's probably one of the best shows ever, man. | ||
| I think so, man. | ||
| What network is that on? | ||
| It's so well written. | ||
| It's a great man. | ||
| It's damn well written. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think it's FX. It is FX, right? | |
| FX, FX, yeah. | ||
| It's on FX. I think it's the same night as my show. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Damn, you're fucking pumping up a competitor. | ||
| No, I know, but I watch it. | ||
| It's like my show's on, and then you can change the channel, and there's your... | ||
| We live in TiVo land. | ||
| Yeah, that is so true. | ||
| You're really not competing with anything. | ||
| We're not competing with anything. | ||
| Just save this. | ||
| The only time I watch things as they're happening is fights. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, me too. | |
| If you need to know that it's... | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I mean, that's just how life is, but Oysun is really good, man. | ||
| They have so many great characters and stuff, and it's well-written. | ||
| Did you watch the Manny Pacquiao fight man? | ||
| Yeah, man with my dad and a hunting trip It was awesome like sit out there in the country watching many back Yeah, my dad like screaming and yelling like for the wrong guy like what man that's not even pack Yeah, that's slingbox. | ||
| I watched it on my laptop in London. | ||
| Oh, yeah Glory damn that motherfuckers good. | ||
| Yeah, he's I wonder, though, with his style, though, you know, I wonder if he could fuck with Floyd Mayweather. | ||
| No, I know. | ||
| That's what everybody wants to see. | ||
| I still don't know. | ||
| I still don't know. | ||
| If you look at the way Floyd Mayweather, the way he just handled Manuel Marquez. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Juan Manuel Marquez. | ||
| Style-wise, though. | ||
| I think style-wise, it matches up pretty good. | ||
| Like, I think Manny matches up pretty good. | ||
| I think that... | ||
| Yeah, Marquez couldn't do shit to Floyd, though. | ||
| And Marquez and Mayweather went to war. | ||
| They went to war twice. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| Dude, Floyd just shut all that shit down. | ||
| But Pacquiao's fast. | ||
| Pacquiao is pretty good. | ||
| He's fast, and he moves well, takes a good shot. | ||
| And Mayweather got rocked real bad by Mosley. | ||
| That kind of showed that, oh, okay, you can get touched. | ||
| Yeah, he got tagged. | ||
| Yeah, he got tagged real good. | ||
| That one punch really kind of fucked it up for Mosley because he stopped boxing and started bombing. | ||
| He lost his rhythm. | ||
| He got angry. | ||
| Yeah, he lost his rhythm. | ||
| That was a tough fight for him anyway. | ||
| That dude is... | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| When you see boxers, it's so strange that boxers can compete at that high a level when they're like 40. He's like 39, right? | ||
| Yeah, it's business. | ||
| Some guys can keep going, and some guys, it just all falls apart. | ||
| It's interesting. | ||
| Look at Hopkins. | ||
| Is he so technical? | ||
| 45, 46 years old. | ||
| He's still fighting. | ||
| That's incredible, man. | ||
| Yeah, it is. | ||
| Undoubtedly, man. | ||
| At the end of the day, that's what's the most important in every combat sport. | ||
| It's technique. | ||
| All that ferocity and everything, it's so important. | ||
| You have to have it. | ||
| You have to have strength. | ||
| You have to have endurance. | ||
| You have to have fighter spirit. | ||
| But what's most important is technique. | ||
| All that other shit, you can have too. | ||
| All that other shit has to be processed through technique, though. | ||
| And guys that just rely on one thing, that just rely on their aggressiveness or rely on their athleticism. | ||
| How many times have you watched guys fight in MMA on TV and you see... | ||
| Like a guy that's like super hyper-aggressive, but yet he's got all these holes in his stand-up, and he's dropping his hands goofy, and he's not turning his kicks over, but he's just super aggressive, and that's how he's winning. | ||
| He's beating guys by just being... | ||
| And you're like, this guy's just like... | ||
| Eventually, he's going to run into a guy that's as tough as him, but is technical, and then he's fucked. | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| That always happens. | ||
| It's just the style. | ||
| I was like, this guy's got smarter technique. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| That's like the big battle, isn't it? | ||
| Isn't it? | ||
| You know? | ||
| Isn't it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Man, the life of a martial artist, a professional mixed martial artist, that has got to be a trippy way to fucking pay your bills, son. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Isn't it? | |
| I know. | ||
| There's been moments where I've stood across the ring from someone, and I'm like, I'm about to fight another grown man on national television. | ||
| I'm like, this is my life right now. | ||
| Do you try to squash those thoughts, or you just go, well, it is what it is? | ||
| No, what do you mean? | ||
| I just go, ha, ha, ha. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm about to fight somebody on TV. So you laugh. | |
| So you think it's funny. | ||
| In my head, yeah. | ||
| I'm like, it's so weird. | ||
| Like, whatever. | ||
| You know, you just take a different path in your life. | ||
| You're like, oh, this is what I'm doing. | ||
| You know? | ||
| It's, I don't know. | ||
| It's very strange. | ||
| It's very different. | ||
| But, I mean, you know, it's just my job. | ||
| Like, this is what I'm going to do. | ||
| It's a crazy-ass way to make a living, son. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| That's a crazy-ass way. | ||
| It's business. | ||
| Don't cry for me, bro. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| I'm not crying. | ||
| We're just talking. | ||
| I know. | ||
| That's what I mean. | ||
| My life to other people would be horrific. | ||
| Getting on stage and doing comedy or talking in front of you. | ||
| I never even realized that that is a lot of people's number one fear. | ||
| I'm like, what? | ||
| Why? | ||
| Have you done it lately? | ||
| I don't want to be judged. | ||
| Have you done it lately? | ||
| Me? | ||
| No. | ||
| I mean, Ella's show and... | ||
| Right. | ||
| There's a new place you need to check out. | ||
| They want me to do a show on the 16th. | ||
| On what? | ||
| Huh? | ||
| A show on the 16th? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Of what? | ||
| December? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Should I do it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joe Rogan? | |
| A comedy show? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Hell yeah. | ||
| You could totally do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All right. | |
| What do I talk about, though? | ||
| Anything. | ||
| Write a bunch of shit down. | ||
| All right. | ||
| The 16th, what's today's date? | ||
| Talk about the blood in your store. | ||
| Today is the 29th? | ||
| December 16th. | ||
| Oh, so you've got like, how many days are in November? | ||
| November 30? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| 30? | ||
| So I've got that long to do it. | ||
| I can do it. | ||
| 17 days, man. | ||
| I'll say some funny shit. | ||
| Yeah, you know what? | ||
| How much time do you have to go up for? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'll figure it out. | ||
| This is the key word I want you to use. | ||
| Period blood. | ||
| Those two words. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Use those. | ||
| And coyotes. | ||
| That was a zinger, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Period blood. | |
| No. | ||
| I'm going to steal that shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, it's good. | |
| I'm going to use it from the... | ||
| All right, you guys are seeing. | ||
| If I go up on the 16th, if they improv... | ||
| This should be the punchline. | ||
| Period blood. | ||
| Period blood. | ||
| That would just be the punchline. | ||
| I guess girls would think about that shit if they got in the water, too. | ||
| That sharks would bite their pussy. | ||
| Right? | ||
| You know? | ||
| I mean, my God. | ||
| Could you fucking imagine? | ||
| The thought... | ||
| That's how you dye your hair color. | ||
| The shark is going for your pussy because he smells your period. | ||
| Someone must have died like that somewhere along the line. | ||
| Some girl must have died and a pussy eaten out by a shark. | ||
| She must have. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| It must have happened. | ||
| With all the people that have been killed by sharks for all the hundreds of thousands of years people have been on this planet. | ||
| Undoubtedly. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dude, you can't get me in that fucking water. | ||
| That water can suck my dick. | ||
| What's wrong with you, dude? | ||
| Some kid just got bit in half in San Bernardino. | ||
| Time the fuck out. | ||
| Not San Bernardino, Santa Barbara. | ||
| What's wrong with you, bro? | ||
| Why are you so scared of the entire world? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm not scared. | |
| I'm fascinated. | ||
| I'm fascinated. | ||
| You're scared, though. | ||
| But I'm not. | ||
| I just don't think that getting eaten by a shark is worth the thrill of surfing. | ||
| Bullshit, bro. | ||
| You've never surfed before. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck that. | |
| I don't need to, son. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You don't want to go mountain biking because the fucking mountain lions will eat you. | |
| You don't want to go surfing because the fucking sharks will eat you. | ||
| Breaking it down. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Those are monsters, and I try to avoid monsters in my everyday life. | ||
| You don't want to go roller skating. | ||
| Especially monsters in the water, man. | ||
| At least a mountain lion, you might be able to fucking get them in a guillotine. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| A mountain lion might fuck up. | ||
| No, you can't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude. | |
| A mountain lion might fuck up. | ||
| You might get on top. | ||
| You might sprawl. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| You might take his back. | ||
| You might take that mountain lion's back. | ||
| Wait, now you're head shucking a mountain lion? | ||
| That's what you're going to do? | ||
| You're going to sling them down to the ground? | ||
| You're darting a mountain lion. | ||
| I'll dart the fuck out of him in his stupid, fucking, dirty, stinky, shit-covered paws. | ||
| Fuck a mountain lion. | ||
| But a shark will eat your asshole. | ||
| There's not much you can do about it. | ||
| Wait, you're bleeding out of your asshole a lot? | ||
| He's going to eat you. | ||
| He's going to come up from behind so you don't even see him coming. | ||
| And he's just going to start eating you. | ||
| So what, bro? | ||
| That's the risk we all take of living here on Mother Earth. | ||
| The Great Gaia. | ||
| That's beautiful, man. | ||
| I know, right? | ||
| I try to avoid being a part of the food chain, except the top part. | ||
| Yeah, but nobody... | ||
| Listen, the chances that you're going to get eaten by an animal while doing an outdoor activity are very low. | ||
| They're way, way higher than if you don't go to those places where the monsters are. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| I find that the best way to cut down on the possibility of getting eaten by monsters is to not go near the monsters. | ||
| Bro, so would you go hang gliding? | ||
| What am I, a fucking bird? | ||
| Listen, man, that's a dumbass way to go. | ||
| Smashing into the rocks from an errant breeze. | ||
| Oh, whoops, now I'm dead. | ||
| He doesn't want to go hang gliding because he might get eaten by a pterodactyl. | ||
| Brian, why don't you tell him the story about your dad and parachuting? | ||
| Yeah, no, paragliding? | ||
| Why don't you tell it? | ||
| Wait, I already know this story before you even tell it. | ||
| But that's the type of thing... | ||
| I bet you don't. | ||
| Parachuting or paragliding? | ||
| Parachuting. | ||
| So he jumped out the fucking thing and died? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| This is his dad. | ||
| His dad. | ||
| Brian. | ||
| My dad worked with somebody that every week she was like, Hey, you need to come... | ||
| You know, skydiving with me, because she did it every weekend. | ||
| And he was, like, thinking about it, even though he didn't want to. | ||
| And one day, she died. | ||
| She jumped out, and I guess, like, her emergency parachute went with her regular parachute. | ||
| She dances with the devil, bro. | ||
| To me, that was, like, one out of one million, though. | ||
| I would never parachute, but... | ||
| I think Joe should go roller skating, and if not, I want to know what it's excuses. | ||
| I've heard plenty of bad stories. | ||
| I'm not scared. | ||
| Don'tbescaredhomie.com. | ||
| Don'tbescaredhomie.com. | ||
| That's what I should use that website for, to put, like, don't be scared, homie. | ||
| Sure, after the fight. | ||
| Yeah, that is a good idea, man. | ||
| Look, you know, think about, like, what would Tyler Durden do.com. | ||
| They have that site. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They have that? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah, it's a cool site. | ||
| The biggest company. | ||
| Brian's friend. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Brian interacts with that guy. | ||
| Oh, I want him to help me. | ||
| He's funny. | ||
| Dude, man. | ||
| What would Tyler Durden guy... | ||
| It's WTDD. He says some funny shit, man. | ||
| He's got some really good, like, one-liners on things that are going on the news. | ||
| He's a funny guy. | ||
| Yeah, he's funny. | ||
| And he hates Paris Hilton a lot. | ||
| Oh, he's the anti... | ||
| He's the anti... | ||
| Perez Hilton? | ||
| Perez Hilton. | ||
| No, Perez, yeah. | ||
| No, you're not Paris, bro. | ||
| I mean, the guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| He hates Paris. | ||
| Oh, he hates Paris. | ||
| Yeah, his tweets on Paris are hilarious. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why would he hate her? | ||
| She's just some lost child. | ||
| Why would he give a fuck? | ||
| Because it's funny. | ||
| It's in right now to make fun of Paris Hilton. | ||
| Again? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I thought that died off. | ||
| Yeah, it did. | ||
| Yeah, it has to die off. | ||
| Because at a certain point in time, you become the joke for caring about her. | ||
| Why are you still talking about this one person out of a river of humans? | ||
| No, what do you mean? | ||
| It's the next one, the next one, the next one. | ||
| It's amazing, though. | ||
| I can't believe that people stay irrelevant. | ||
| Like, to me, it's like, why? | ||
| Like, why are these people famous? | ||
| I was like, this is kind of sad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's amazing. | |
| It's like sad with our culture. | ||
| Like, I feel bad for us. | ||
| Like, man, and I start caring because the other people care. | ||
| I'm like, man, damn it, why do I care? | ||
| I don't want to pretend that I know what's going to happen in the future because I obviously don't. | ||
| I don't know whether or not we're going to pull ourselves out of this downward spiral, this humanity downward spiral with some sort of a technological innovation or something. | ||
| But if it doesn't happen, I'm so hyped. | ||
| Man! | ||
| You are fucking deep in the damp. | ||
| What were we talking about before he said that? | ||
| Paris Hilton? | ||
| Paris Hilton. | ||
| This is a quote that he did. | ||
| Paris Hilton, everyone hates you. | ||
| No one is going to watch your dumb show. | ||
| No one cares anymore. | ||
| Go kill yourself. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's the meanest tweet ever. | |
| It's so mean that it was funny. | ||
| It was so mean that it was ridiculous. | ||
| It sounded like Ari Shaffir wrote that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, this is what I was going to say. | ||
| I don't know whether or not we are ever going to pull ourselves out of this downward spiral, but if you look at a civilization, if you look at a civilization right before it was going to fall, like Rome or the Greek Empire, all you hear about is them going crazy. | ||
| All you hear about is feathers, and they're eating, and they're throwing up, and they're fucking everything, and they're fucking little boys and shit, and there's lions versus Christians. | ||
| It's always the craziest, craziest shit goes down, and that's what everybody talks about after it falls apart. | ||
| Well, isn't that what's happening right here? | ||
| I mean, it has to be. | ||
| It's happening slowly. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| I mean, we were talking, Brian and I were looking at the pictures of the Colosseum in Rome. | ||
| We were having lunch at this Italian place today, and they had this photo of the Colosseum in Rome, and the photo was from 2010, right? | ||
| So the Colosseum is this fucking incredible old piece of architecture where people fought fucking lions. | ||
| It's right there in the center of that bitch. | ||
| And there's cars just driving around it. | ||
| And the cars, the distance between the curb and the fucking walls of this insane old building is what? | ||
| 15 feet? | ||
| 10 feet? | ||
| It's like there's no space. | ||
| It's like car and this insane old building. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| People are probably peeing on it now. | ||
| That shit just fell apart. | ||
| It fell apart and nobody fixed it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It just fell right apart. | ||
| That could easily happen with us. | ||
| And if it does, they're going to be talking about us the same way we talk about the Romans. | ||
| So mountain biking. | ||
| They'll be like, these crazy assholes had TV shows where regular people became famous. | ||
| Girls became famous because they were showing their pussies, they'd get out of the cars. | ||
| How many girls became famous or got massive publicity for showing their pussy on TV? Or showing their pussy, rather, in publicity for these magazines? | ||
| How many times that happened? | ||
|
unidentified
|
So, 14. That would be something... | |
| I think that's incorrect. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You don't think 14 is right? | |
| I think 14, maybe. | ||
| Maybe 14 girls are showing their pussy. | ||
| Pretend that they've accidentally shown their pussy. | ||
| You think it's 14? | ||
| Somebody researched that. | ||
| Probably not that many. | ||
| Probably like six. | ||
| The point is, that's going to be something they would talk about in the future when they study ancient history. | ||
| They talk about the fall of the American empire. | ||
| What are they going to talk about? | ||
| They're going to talk about how nutty we were. | ||
| The girls would just show their pussies. | ||
| Girls became famous for leaking sex tapes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just fucking sucking cock. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Like Kim Kardashian. | ||
| She got famous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| For hanging out with a girl who should have been, you know, there should have been no reason for Paris Hilton to become famous. | ||
| Why was she famous? | ||
| Well, she just figured out how to do it. | ||
| Don't hate. | ||
| There she is. | ||
| And so Kim Kardashian was hanging out with her and goes, you know what? | ||
| I got to kick this up a notch. | ||
| I'm going to do a porno with a black guy. | ||
| So she does the porno with this dude. | ||
| She sucks his dick, fucks him, everything. | ||
| It's all real legit porno. | ||
| And then it's like, oh, how did that get out there? | ||
| Darn it. | ||
| And then that becomes a huge hit show. | ||
| And then she becomes a mainstream celebrity on the cover of almost every magazine. | ||
| Every goddamn time I go to the magazine stand, her face is on the cover of some magazine. | ||
| Whether it's a fitness magazine or... | ||
| Anything. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| That would be something that people would look at and say, look how crazy they got. | ||
| They just made regular people. | ||
| Like, you don't have to sing. | ||
| You don't have to dance. | ||
| You don't have to write. | ||
| You don't have to create. | ||
| Well, she has charisma. | ||
| She's got an ass. | ||
| She's got an ass and she has some charisma. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| Charisma meant ass. | ||
| So, yeah. | ||
| No, I don't know. | ||
| But don't you think that if you were looking at a culture... | ||
| If people like... | ||
| I know. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you looked at it for the future. | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| That's what you would say. | ||
| You'd say, look at these crazy assholes. | ||
| No, maybe some people are just going to... | ||
| Have the charisma, and then all of a sudden, they're going to be awesome. | ||
| I don't think we're on the same track. | ||
| Everybody will have it. | ||
| Have you guys seen that movie, Christine? | ||
| How about everybody will just be famous, and we're all like, whoa, wait! | ||
| We just connected the two things right now. | ||
| That's what I was just thinking. | ||
| Everybody has a computer chip in their brain, and then you walk up to this guy and go, oh, he's awesome. | ||
| And then everyone will just shine in a magical land. | ||
| Well, I think eventually your phone number will be like a channel. | ||
| Right to the brain? | ||
| Like, oh, bro, let me get your channel number because I really want to dance around in your head right now. | ||
| That'll be right before the final immersion. | ||
| That's what will be the last step. | ||
| What's the final immersion? | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Final immersion is no consciousness other than the one, everybody together. | ||
| So we're going to get all linked up like the matrix right now? | ||
| That's what's gonna happen. | ||
| No emotion, no bullshit, no negativity. | ||
| Oh, we're gonna be aliens, and then we're gonna send ourselves back all the way through the universe, back in time to us. | ||
| Oh man, you're freaking me out, man! | ||
| That's ultimate stoner talk. | ||
| There's no more ultimate stoner talk then. | ||
| What happens when you die? | ||
| Or future? | ||
| Aliens in the future. | ||
| And what's going to happen, man? | ||
| When's it going to end, man? | ||
| I know. | ||
| That's all I do. | ||
| That's all I do. | ||
| I'm a fucking fool. | ||
| All I do all day is not even think about the moment. | ||
| Just worry constantly about what is going to happen in the future. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bro. | |
| Man, I feel like this... | ||
| It's a little therapeutic right now. | ||
| It's a breakthrough. | ||
| Look, to me, it's all just hyper-fascinating. | ||
| It's all hyper-fascinating. | ||
| It's not that I'm not... | ||
| I have been hanging out with Dr. Phil. | ||
| How is that? | ||
| You got any secrets of the Dr. Phil? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Dr. Phil was... | ||
| I was like, damn. | ||
| That was just as weird as me getting ready to fight. | ||
| I'm like, man, I'm about to fight a man. | ||
| Man, I'm about to go on a Dr. Phil show. | ||
| Were you nervous? | ||
| No, I was just like, this is so weird. | ||
| I was nervous. | ||
| I was just like, what the hell am I doing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is so funny. | |
| Did he give you a massage or anything? | ||
| Is there anything that he did when the cameras were off? | ||
| I wanted to touch his head, but that's disrespectful. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I mean, just to say I did it, you know? | ||
| Was he a nice guy? | ||
| Yeah, he was a nice dude. | ||
| Really nice guy? | ||
| Yeah, Dr. Phil's cool. | ||
| I was like, man, this is the... | ||
| No, he had a weightlifter hand grip. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, I'm like, yeah. | ||
| A weightlifter hand grip? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, a little bit. | |
| I was like, hey, man, Dr. Phil's kind of buff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| I swear. | ||
| I was like, really? | ||
| Yeah, he played football in high school. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| College, maybe. | ||
| If Dr. Phil called you up, hey, Jason, I'm down here at the bar thinking about getting a beer. | ||
| Would you like to join me? | ||
| Hell yeah, I want to talk to Dr. Phil. | ||
| I'd like to talk to Dr. Phil. | ||
| What would you do if Dr. Phil just started talking pussy? | ||
| Man, I would... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's cut the bullshit. | |
| Dr. Phil just started talking crazy pussy stories back before I was married. | ||
| Remember when I was supposed to be on that Dr. Phil show, or the doctors, and you talked me out of it? | ||
| What was it about? | ||
| For salvia. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And they were going to show my video and everything. | ||
| Don't, dude, I told them, don't be going on. | ||
| Aw, you're going to do something? | ||
| First of all, that's going to contribute to the end of that salvia. | ||
| Right, I know, that's what I was thinking. | ||
| That shit is so fragilely legal. | ||
| It's not anymore. | ||
| I don't think it's legal anymore. | ||
| It's still legal in California, I'm pretty sure. | ||
| I thought it was. | ||
| Some states. | ||
| It's legal in some states still. | ||
| Some states made it illegal, and I think they just made it illegal in Florida. | ||
| That's fucked up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What does it do to you? | |
| It doesn't hurt anybody, man. | ||
| This is why it's weird that they're making it illegal. | ||
| The problem is, it's sort of a guilt by association thing, because if you consider it, and even though you look at the statistics, and there's no deaths, and there's no immediate danger... | ||
| You know, health-wise, like, why should it be illegal? | ||
| Well, because it's like all this other shit that's illegal. | ||
| Salvia is one of the most potent psychedelic drugs in the world, and it's available at head shops, whereas, you know, it's really hard. | ||
| It's available at Target. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| They sell Salvia at Target. | ||
| Do they really? | ||
| Salvia plants. | ||
| Oh, salvia plants. | ||
| Yeah, that's pretty trippy. | ||
| Yeah, you're right. | ||
| It's sage. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I mean, that's what salvia is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, what? | |
| That's it? | ||
| That's it. | ||
| I don't know if it's the same strain. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, exactly. | |
| No, what it is is they extract it, and they condense it down, and they extract it. | ||
| So you get salvia times 60. So it's like this little condensed form, or not condensed, or whatever. | ||
| Wait, and then you wait. | ||
| Do you put that in your coffee? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| It's like weed, and you have to get this. | ||
| Put that in your pipe and smoke it. | ||
| You get this lighter that you have to have one of the crack lighters with the blue torches and it gets it up to a certain temperature and it releases a, pretty much it's like a whippet of mushrooms. | ||
| You know, you're just doing, oh god, I'm shrooming, oh my god, my face is on fire, I'm melting, I'm dead, oh hey, I'm back. | ||
| But the problem is, is kids were doing this, you know, and... | ||
| 50 times a day. | ||
| 50 times a day, right. | ||
| Making the most hilarious YouTube videos in the world. | ||
| If you ever want to see some of the funniest shit, just go on YouTube, type in Salvia. | ||
| Oh, the kid and the kid... | ||
| Yeah, the kid's doing all that shit. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Or... | ||
| Alright. | ||
| Was that a good impression of... | ||
| I never watched it. | ||
| It looked like a seizure, though. | ||
| Was that a good impression of a seizure? | ||
| I've seen a few seizures. | ||
| I'm just saying, was that a good seizure? | ||
| That was decent. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a good seizure. | |
| That's a good seizure. | ||
| I told the story about, or told it before, but I used to have my friend Johnny. | ||
| His girlfriend used to fake seizures. | ||
| Why? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He did, the girl, she wanted attention so bad, she used to fake seizures. | |
| She would fall down and, like, fake a seizure, and he would use it as an excuse to slap her in the face. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha! | |
| He's like, honey, wake up! | ||
| Wake up, honey! | ||
| Wake up! | ||
| And I'd see him bite his lip while he was hitting it, like, fucking bitch! | ||
| Like, he'd really give her slaps in the face. | ||
| Why? | ||
| That's the most healthy relationship I've ever heard of. | ||
| Chaos. | ||
| That's the most amazing thing about knowing a lot of fucked up people. | ||
| What, everyone saw you have a story like that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It puts it all in perspective, too. | ||
| You realize... | ||
| Damn, man. | ||
| My girl sucks. | ||
| At least she's not faking seizures in a fucking grocery store where you have to slap the shit out of her in front of everybody. | ||
| That's the saddest thing ever. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Pretty goddamn ridiculous. | ||
| Yo, you got this chick's number or what? | ||
| She's dead. | ||
| Damn. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's dead? | |
| She deserves to be. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| I love she's dead. | ||
| I don't know if she's dead. | ||
| He's dead, though. | ||
| Oh, poor bastard. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was my best friend. | ||
| Fascinating dude. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Hung out with a lot of crazy bitches. | ||
| Yeah, you know, that can get easy to do, man. | ||
| Because, you know, a chick is beautiful. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| You don't know that she's banana sandwich. | ||
| And you don't care either because once you start having sex with them. | ||
| You deal with it and then you're like, oh, what am I doing right now? | ||
| The problem with dudes is once you start having sex with them, if it's good and they're hot. | ||
| Wait, you have sex with dudes? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| What? | ||
| You just said. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| Listen to me, you fucking clowns. | ||
| The problem with us is that when you have sex with a girl and she's hot, you get addicted to it. | ||
| You got one, and she's super hot, and she's sexy, and she's got a killer body. | ||
| You're like, you could get that again. | ||
| You could always get that again. | ||
| So even if she's crazy, you start going, fuck. | ||
| You want, alright, well, I don't know. | ||
| Okay, what are you doing? | ||
| You want to go out tomorrow? | ||
| And then the next thing you know, you're fucking her again. | ||
| The next thing you know, this is your girlfriend. | ||
| This crazy bitch is your girlfriend. | ||
| And just because she's hot and she's got a good, you know. | ||
| I know. | ||
| She's a freak. | ||
| And the crazy ones, a lot of times, they're more fun in bed because they want to please you. | ||
| They want to, you know, they really want you to be rocked. | ||
| So they'll freak you out more. | ||
| And then you're even extra stuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| Right? | ||
| Because if you get used to that, you get used to what my friend Tony always says, that erotic and psychotic are like, they're like next door neighbors. | ||
| What are you doing over there, Brian? | ||
| He was looking for something to drink, so I gave him some check. | ||
| You want another coconut drink? | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| Coconut drink! | ||
| Thanks, dude. | ||
| You're like the best intern ever, Joe. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thanks. | |
| I like how he's wearing a paperboy cap too, man. | ||
| I know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, mister. | |
| Hey, Skippy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Here's your coconut water. | |
| Exactly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha! | |
| Man! | ||
| You need like one in the couch, Joe Rogan. | ||
| That's one of the best ones. | ||
| You have regular water? | ||
| I know you have regular water in there. | ||
| Damn it, bro! | ||
| That's alright, you know what? | ||
| I was drinking it out of the sink. | ||
| I like to do it old school, like, you know, grab to the thing and go underneath. | ||
| That's his jerk-off sink, though. | ||
| Ah, I drink out of the jerk-off sink? | ||
| Yeah, he puts his dick underneath the sink and it drops the water on it like a girl does in a bathtub. | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Have you ever heard of girls that do that, that masturbate by putting their pussy right underneath the faucet and they just slowly turn it on? | ||
| That's got to be a benefit of being a chick. | ||
| It must be way easier to masturbate. | ||
| Open wound. | ||
| Yeah, totally. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I don't know, man. | ||
| They've got a lot of arm motion. | ||
| They stick stuff in there, bro. | ||
| Yeah, they're allowed to put things in there. | ||
| If a girl gets used to that, that's the real problem. | ||
| She gets used to a vibrator. | ||
| Some girls get broken. | ||
| Their pussies just get broken to regular stimulation. | ||
| They're just so oversensitized. | ||
| That happens a lot more than I thought it did. | ||
| They've got to cycle off, like coffee. | ||
| Yeah, you stop doing coffee for a while, and then all of a sudden you're like... | ||
| Drink a coffee, you're like, oh yeah, I'm freaking pumped! | ||
| It's true, right? | ||
| Big difference. | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
| It's like, you just stop. | ||
| The weirdest thing, I know when I'm drinking coffee too much, when I can drink it and then get sleepy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's when you know, like, you gotta stop drinking coffee, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| You know, if you drink it so much, you can drink it, and all of a sudden you get sleepy. | ||
| I wonder why that is, right? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's probably not good. | ||
| Probably your liver, like, going, oh, too much coffee! | ||
| Your kidneys trying to shut you down, going, dude. | ||
| They say a little bit of coffee is not bad for you, but you can get... | ||
| The problem with, like, Starbucks coffee is if... | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Which is the best. | ||
| Don't be hating on Starbucks right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What did I say? | |
| The best fucking thing you say is bad about Starbucks. | ||
| Listen, bro. | ||
| I'm a gold card member. | ||
| Okay, man. | ||
| I know there's a coffee bean thermos in front of me, but that's not because I'm disloyal. | ||
| It's not product placement? | ||
| But the problem is that Starbucks coffee has a fuckload of caffeine in it. | ||
| Not enough. | ||
| Wait, not enough? | ||
| That's why I drink it, man. | ||
| My new thing is getting iced coffee unsweetened with three shots. | ||
| In an IV? Three espresso shots. | ||
| Three, man. | ||
| But they say espresso is not as much caffeine as coffee is. | ||
| No, but that's on top of a... | ||
| So it's three cups of coffee, though. | ||
| Yeah, that's... | ||
| Three cups of espresso. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Three shots is like three cups of coffee, right? | |
| A shot of espressos? | ||
| It's like three cups of coffee? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Almost, yeah. | |
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| No, it's like a weak cup of coffee. | ||
| Like it's three weak cups of coffee, but they're like condensed into small. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| I thought you were saying that each shot is three cups. | ||
| It's not quite a cup of coffee. | ||
| A shot is espresso. | ||
| It's like slightly below an average cup of coffee. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sort of. | |
| But that's how they make Americanas. | ||
| It's a fucking fascinating subject because you can get... | ||
| I mean, look. | ||
| You go and get a Venti. | ||
| You go and get a Venti Starbucks. | ||
| You take somebody who has never drank coffee before. | ||
| Someone who doesn't take any stimulants. | ||
| And you just give them that Venti. | ||
| They might have to sit down. | ||
| They might be so jacked. | ||
| They might be like, my heartbeat is beating too fast. | ||
| But that's the nature of coffee. | ||
| Your hands can be shaken. | ||
| You have to get used to it. | ||
| You get drugged up and boom. | ||
| It's a legal drug. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are you talking about? | |
| Yeah, it is. | ||
| It's legal. | ||
| It's a drug. | ||
| How many coffees a day do you have, Jason? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Like two? | ||
| Fourteen? | ||
| No, I know. | ||
| I'm real high tension. | ||
| I don't allow myself more than one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, really? | |
| The only time it's two is if I'm really busy working. | ||
| That's what I mean. | ||
| I'll go like in the morning and then in the afternoon sometimes. | ||
| Bam! | ||
| I'm hyped. | ||
| At Starbucks. | ||
| I would like to see you on a muscle relaxer. | ||
| I bet you'd just be like, hello guys, how are you doing today? | ||
| I bet that shit would have no effect. | ||
| I think this shit's broke! | ||
| I think it's fucking broke! | ||
| Muscle relaxer don't work! | ||
| That's you, dude. | ||
| They had to juice me up with a lot of that stuff to put me to sleep, though. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When you got operated on? | ||
| Yeah, when I got operated to put a plate in my thumb. | ||
| And they're like, alright, we're going to pump you full of stuff. | ||
| And he goes in there to put you in there. | ||
| And I'm like, whoa! | ||
| I feel like a giant rush over my whole body. | ||
| I'm like, oh my god! | ||
| And they're like, okay, just relax. | ||
| And I'm like, no, no, I'm not. | ||
| I'm like, man, I'm high right now. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| You're about to be operated on? | ||
| This is the type of shit you're saying? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I'm like, man, I'm high right now. | ||
| I was like that, and the guy looks at me like, oh, and I realize that the stuff is too weak, and I'm like, you can't knock me out! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha ha ha! | |
| No way. | ||
| that laugh the guy was laughing i like i remember as i'm all blurry like with all the drugs like and i'm like man i look and i remember him like smirking at me and then going back oh man i shouldn't talk shit to him like that wow because because i came out of it like thinking i was in a fight like like and like kicking at the nurses and everything like that and i was like oh And I was like, oh, my bad. | ||
| Like, I was like, oh, sorry. | ||
| Then I felt so sick because he pumped me so full of that stuff that, like, I was like, man, what did I do? | ||
| Can you imagine being a fucking nurse? | ||
| Oh, they were kind of used to it, honestly. | ||
| They're used to dudes kicking them? | ||
| Yeah, they're like, yeah, because they do all extreme athlete crazy dudes. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And they're like, yeah, we've seen people jump up out of their seats. | ||
| So they were like, it was mellow. | ||
| And I was like, oh, I'm very sorry. | ||
| I was apologizing. | ||
| It's a weird feeling going out like that. | ||
| Going under and waking up and you're operated on already. | ||
| Your knees stitched up together. | ||
| Yeah, weird. | ||
| It's very strange. | ||
| How many operations have you had? | ||
| Only like, I don't know, four or something. | ||
| What have you had done? | ||
| Knees, like cleaning out stuff, and ACL replacement, and putting a plate in the tub. | ||
| Just one ACL replacement, or did you have another one? | ||
| Yeah, both of them. | ||
| Both of them done? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I had the middle of my knee cut out, because it was gnawing the hell out of me. | ||
| I cut it out. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| What do you mean the middle of your knee? | ||
| It was a meniscus. | ||
| It was sticking out, a punch. | ||
| Oh, a bucket handle. | ||
| Yeah, a bucket. | ||
| Wow, you know. | ||
| I had that. | ||
| I had that on my left. | ||
| Oh yeah, we talked. | ||
| I had that shit out, but it clicks. | ||
| It would click, it would get stuck, and I'd be like, oh god! | ||
| And I'm just like, yank that thing out of there. | ||
| That shit is a ferocious pain, too. | ||
| That meniscus pain, that's tough to fade. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Very difficult to ignore. | ||
| It's not something you just walk off. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| It's a bone-piercing pain. | ||
| Weird. | ||
| Knees are so fucking painful. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Did you have a couple testicles added? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I have like 17 testicles. | ||
| Brian, why are you looking? | ||
| He just checked your package too. | ||
| 17 testicles. | ||
| Seems like you might have a few more than the other guys. | ||
| He's got extra balls. | ||
| Yeah, it's amazing that they can stitch you up and put you back together again now, though. | ||
| Isn't that fucking cool? | ||
| Like, how many guys do you know that have... | ||
| I know guys that have had discs replaced, you know, artificial discs stuck in between and have their discs fused. | ||
| Yeah, Tito had that done. | ||
| Who else had that done? | ||
| Nate Marquardt? | ||
| No, Nate Quarry had that done. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A lot of guys have had that done. | ||
| They blow out their discs, and they get their shit replaced, and they can go back and fight again. | ||
| It's fucking crazy. | ||
| That used to be a deal-breaker. | ||
| Your discs were jacked. | ||
| Forget about competitive athletics on the highest level. | ||
| There's no way, man. | ||
| It used to be ACL got jacked. | ||
| My friend Steve... | ||
| Yeah, nothing, and you were done forever. | ||
| I was shocked when I said ACL, and they're like... | ||
| Nah, you just go and we put you back together. | ||
| I'm like, oh, awesome! | ||
| And it's more powerful than the original ACL. Yeah, it is! | ||
| My ACL, man, it's stronger than it was. | ||
| I was like, what the hell? | ||
| And you do the workouts and whatever, and then it's stronger. | ||
| Did you use a cadaver? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, you know they use an Achilles tendon. | ||
| That's what they use. | ||
| It's a big, fat fucking cable. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Crazy. | |
| It's bigger than what's naturally in there. | ||
| What's naturally in there sucks. | ||
| Wow, you're saying that I have illegal me? | ||
| I got both mine are done. | ||
| This one was done with a patella tendon graft, though, which kind of sucks, where they... | ||
| They take a chunk out of your bone and a strip of meat where your tendon is and it's attached to your shin and then they open you up and then they screw it in place. | ||
| It takes a long ass time to heal from it. | ||
| It's much longer recuperation time because you've got a hole in your shin or a hole in your kneecap and a hole in your shin. | ||
| They cut it out so you're Your tendon's been all fucked up. | ||
| So it's a way more invasive thing. | ||
| This one, I had done, they did a cadaver, my right one. | ||
| And there's just like two little tiny holes, and they stitched them up, and that's it. | ||
| It was all fixed. | ||
| I mean, it's crazy. | ||
| They just get in there and screw this new joint in place. | ||
| That used to be, if you lived a thousand years ago, man, you were a cripple. | ||
| You were fucked. | ||
| You were that guy that would fall down if the wind blew too hard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on, dude. | |
| Black president. | ||
| We're in the future right now. | ||
| What? | ||
| The year 2000. I just think it's so cool that they could patch you up and put you back together again, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We live in the future. | ||
| I don't have a jetpack, but whatever. | ||
| Have you ever had your elbows done? | ||
| Nah. | ||
| Shoulders are supposed to be the worst. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nah. | |
| Tear your shoulders. | ||
| That's supposed to be the biggest pain he has to recoup. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dancing with the devil is what I do every day. | ||
| You do. | ||
| You ever think that? | ||
| Like, man, I'm fucking staking my living on my physical flesh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dancing with the devil is fun. | ||
| It is the funnest thing for you, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| I can't help it. | ||
| It's so fun. | ||
| I like doing crazy stuff all the time. | ||
| Do you think you're going to have a long career? | ||
| Are you going to be doing this for a long time? | ||
| I think, yeah. | ||
| I think I can do it. | ||
| I can do it for a long time, but that's my job. | ||
| I feel good. | ||
| You're definitely better now than you've ever been before. | ||
| I know. | ||
| And what are you, 29 now? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh yeah, I'm about to change it up. | ||
| You about to hit 29? | ||
| About to hit 30. 30? | ||
| God damn. | ||
| That's like when you're an adult, dude. | ||
| I know! | ||
| Bro, I've been feeling it. | ||
| I feel kind of happy about it. | ||
| I'm like, I'm going to be an adult. | ||
| We've got to get you over in the UFC, man. | ||
| All this Strikeforce nonsense. | ||
| If this Nick Diaz thing doesn't work, man, I hope the UFC picks you up. | ||
| We have to go get Joe Silva a massage somewhere. | ||
| Maybe you have to get him a fucking gift certificate for... | ||
| Somewhere cool. | ||
| Some wonderful restaurant. | ||
| Have a nice meal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll take them to the Olive Garden. | |
| What are we doing with this Strikeforce nonsense? | ||
| You know, Mayhem, Miller, UFC, fighter. | ||
| I got a good thing going with Strikeforce. | ||
| Let's see if Diaz will not be scared, homie. | ||
| We'll go from there. | ||
| When you watch the Anderson Silva-Chel Sonnen fight, now I know you train with Chel, right? | ||
| I fought Chel. | ||
| Oh, why'd you find him? | ||
| Yeah, but I trained with him too. | ||
| I fought him in like 19. Man, I was like 18 years old. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, we fought. | ||
| 19? | ||
| Yeah, he just kept taking me down. | ||
| We crashed through the cage. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| There's video of it somewhere. | ||
| Man, I was so young, man. | ||
| We were like kids, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| It was crazy. | ||
| How old is he? | ||
| He's in his 30s, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's a little older than me. | ||
| When you watch this fight with Anderson Silva, so Anderson Silva, pound for pound, best fighter in the world, you know, UFC long-running middleweight champion, what did you think when you saw that fight? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The Chael Sonnen fight? | ||
| Were you thinking, I mean, you know, you're a guy competing for the Strikeforce title at 185. Yeah. | ||
| When you see Anderson, you know, and you see that, you know, that Chael is handling him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What did you think? | ||
| Does that, like, pump you up? | ||
| I think that style-wise, yeah, definitely. | ||
| I mean, but, you know, like... | ||
| Of course. | ||
| My weight. | ||
| That was the most intense I've ever watched a fight, really. | ||
| Yeah, that's what I was thinking. | ||
| It must be, right? | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| Because I'm in the little soap opera, kind of. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| I'm watching this. | ||
| We're all the same weight. | ||
| You could be fighting that guy easy. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| Soon. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, easy. | ||
| Both guys, really, right? | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Anything could happen. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| How long is your contract at Strikeforce? | ||
| I believe? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Do I have a fight left? | ||
| One fight left? | ||
| Yeah, I think so. | ||
| So that if you beat Nick Diaz, then do you get to fight Jacare for the title? | ||
| I have a couple fights left. | ||
| Two fights? | ||
| Yeah, I think so. | ||
| So, what are they talking about now? | ||
| If Nick Diaz doesn't want to fight, do you get to fight Jacare? | ||
| Do you have to fight Tim Kennedy? | ||
| Like, what do you do? | ||
| What's next? | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| They don't know? | ||
| They're just trying to get the Nick Diaz fight. | ||
| Well, I mean, that's the fight that everyone wants to see. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| And, you know, I'm down. | ||
| You know, it's like, that's my job. | ||
| I'm down to do whatever, you know. | ||
| Does it get in the way when you're filming Bully Beatdown? | ||
| You know, does it get in the way with your training? | ||
| Like, do you have to, like, train, like, when you're filming that show, do you have to, like, make sure that you don't have any fights scheduled for a while it's going down? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, of course. | ||
| Like, you know, I don't want to run it concurrent with that training camp. | ||
| It would fuck it up hard, right? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, it would fuck it up. | ||
| What kind of hours? | ||
| But I took, I don't know, you know, for training... | ||
| The Bully Beatdown only takes two weeks. | ||
| What is that monkey on? | ||
| What did you do, Brian? | ||
| It's a mayhem monkey. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Did you just cut and paste that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's pretty cool. | ||
| Yeah, it is pretty cool. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It only takes two weeks to do the Bully Beatdown. | ||
| For the whole season? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's easy. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| I mean, it's more than two weeks because I have to go to do voiceover or whatever. | ||
| How many episodes do you guys do? | ||
| Ten at a time, usually. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, so it's a fun... | |
| It's like a fun little summer camp. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, yay! | |
| Let's go film. | ||
| We'll be done. | ||
| It's going to be hilarious. | ||
| Well, it must have been way more fun coming into this season now that it's a big success. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, now, everybody wants you there and is happy to see you and all excited. | ||
| What? | ||
| It's all pumped up. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Like, people that network, people in the studio, like, you're on a successful show. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| That's when it starts. | ||
| That's when it's fucking badass, right? | ||
| It is, yeah. | ||
| When it's successful. | ||
| Exactly, yeah. | ||
| It feels good. | ||
| When things are rolling. | ||
| That third season of it, I've never seen an audience so pumped up. | ||
| Yeah, they're fans. | ||
| They're super fans. | ||
| At first, there was just people who were like, what? | ||
| What is this? | ||
| When we used to film news radio, there's a big difference between the first season of news radio, like the audience, and the third season. | ||
| When it gets into where the fans come to watch the show, that's when it becomes fun. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a crazy experience. | ||
| Filming shows is so hard in the beginning because no one knows what the fuck is going on. | ||
| You're trying to establish a rhythm. | ||
| It's like you know you're awesome, but nobody else knows you're awesome. | ||
| I wasn't going to say that. | ||
| What I was saying is it just takes a long time. | ||
| I just feel like everybody who works on that show is awesome people. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| They're all cool people. | ||
| I got more into doing the Bully Beatdown job by the fact that the people who work on it are just so awesome people. | ||
| They're just such awesome people. | ||
| So I'm like, oh, I really want to do a good job because these people right here are cool. | ||
| So let me try to do a really good job because you don't see them working, but they're working really hard. | ||
| Now, when all this shit went down with the CBS thing where you got in trouble and the big fight and the brawl on television... | ||
| Did they give you a hard time over that? | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| What are they gonna give me a hard time about it for them? | ||
| Nobody gave you a hard time. | ||
| Who, bully beatdown people? | ||
| Yeah, like, no one says, like, you know, hey, you know, we can't get involved. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't even think that that, yeah, I don't even think they were worth, what do you mean, get involved? | |
| You know, you know what I'm saying? | ||
| What are they going to do? | ||
| No, no, no, no, what I'm saying is, like, when a controversy happens like this, like, they don't want you involved in anything that's, like, negative or anything that's, like, you know, like, they don't have, they don't sit down with you and say, hey, you can't be getting into brawls because, you know, you represent the show. | ||
| Nobody said anything. | ||
| No. | ||
| No? | ||
| I think they understood my side. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| They understood how the whole thing went down. | ||
| Right, but in the news it wasn't clear cut. | ||
| There was a lot of people that were blaming you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, well. | |
| They're just jerks. | ||
| They didn't get that mad about it. | ||
| Not bully beatdown. | ||
| That's like my fighting career. | ||
| They don't worry about my fighting career. | ||
| I don't feel like they... | ||
| What do you think? | ||
| That MTV is going to spank me for that? | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| I don't understand. | ||
| I'm probably happy about it. | ||
| I was wondering whether or not anyone was concerned. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bro. | |
| Whether anyone said anything to you. | ||
| No, what? | ||
| Nobody talks to me. | ||
| I'm just mayhem. | ||
| It's so funny. | ||
| You say it like it's ridiculous to ask. | ||
| Yeah, what do you mean it is? | ||
| You got in a bench-clearing brawl on national television. | ||
| But he's a fighter, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That shit happens. | |
| I know. | ||
| That shit happens. | ||
| That shit happened. | ||
| I can't help it. | ||
| It's not VH1. I know. | ||
| Yo, man, they have the... | ||
| Man, come on. | ||
| They have the Jersey Shore on. | ||
| I know. | ||
| They don't fuck around now. | ||
| People are just roofing each other. | ||
| Rolling on there. | ||
| Yeah, it's banging. | ||
| When I saw that girl get punched in the face, did you see that online? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I saw it online, yeah. | ||
| I don't think they showed it on the show. | ||
| They blacked it off on the show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They didn't? | |
| Yeah, I think they... | ||
| Yeah, they blurred it or something. | ||
| Why would they blur it? | ||
| We don't want people to see a girl get punched in the face and then say... | ||
|
unidentified
|
But it was on. | |
| Because they could show, look, we have a giant rating spike right as this girl gets punched in the face. | ||
| This is what we need. | ||
| We need more girls getting punched in the face. | ||
| Oh, my bad. | ||
| Did you see the girl that's on Dancing with the Stars, Sarah Palin's daughter or whatever, talking to the situation? | ||
| Yeah, it was pretty fun. | ||
| That was one of the most ridiculous... | ||
| I saw it on The Soup. | ||
| The Soup is the best show because I get to see the normal everyday funny stuff that I would never see because I never watch a show like that. | ||
| Man, The Soup had it on there and it was... | ||
| Man, bring it up. | ||
| Just bring it up. | ||
| How strange is it that Dancing with the Stars has a vice presidential campaigner's daughter Who's like 18 or something like that now? | ||
| 19 now? | ||
| Something really young? | ||
| How is that? | ||
| She's a celebrity? | ||
| Because she was pregnant? | ||
| Because it was a story that she was in the news? | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| How is that a celebrity? | ||
| That's so weird. | ||
| Dancing with the stars, that's what they're calling a star. | ||
| They're calling this young girl whose mom was running for vice president, who just happened to get pregnant and everybody knew about it, they're calling her a star. | ||
| That's so odd. | ||
| You'd have that as dancing with the stars. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| She's a star. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And the situation is... | |
| Check this out. | ||
| You look at me like I just hit you with some zen cone. | ||
| Like, what is the sound of one hand clapping? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| No, she is. | ||
| But it's like the line is getting blurry. | ||
| Now it's like anybody who's in the news. | ||
| Dancing with the Stars is no longer entertainers. | ||
| It's no longer anybody that anything happened to where they got famous. | ||
| They're stars. | ||
| It's like idols. | ||
| In Japan, they already have that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Idols. | |
| And then you become like a show that they'll check in on. | ||
| They'll check in on you to see what the fuck's going on with you. | ||
| What are you doing today, crazy? | ||
| You know? | ||
| Like that Carrie Prejean chick? | ||
| Remember the chick who ran for, was it Miss USA? Yeah, yeah. | ||
| She's got a show. | ||
| She's always got something, man. | ||
| There's always something in the mix. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait, you're talking about the girl from the Miss South Carolina pageant, right? | |
| Such as, like as... | ||
| No, no, that girl was hilarious. | ||
| But that was just a brain fart. | ||
| That poor chick. | ||
| She just got caught in the headlights. | ||
| Whatever, that was adorable. | ||
| Was it adorable? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You liked it? | ||
| I like my girls to be all scatterbrained. | ||
| When you see a girl gingerly bambi like that, does that get you excited? | ||
| You're like, look at this girl. | ||
| I just drag her into the mayhem void. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| You think I club chicks over the head and drag them to my lair? | ||
| No, just with your personality, bro. | ||
| Just with your personality. | ||
| You can just overtake them. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| Hey, let's run over here. | ||
| You see a girl saying like, as, and you can just dominate her with your will. | ||
| So you're trying to tell me to have sex with me. | ||
| With your mind. | ||
| She's not retarded. | ||
| She's just easily led. | ||
| So mentally handicapped supermodels is what I'm looking for? | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Sometimes it's not the worst thing. | ||
| That's all I'm saying. | ||
| Not totally mentally handicapped. | ||
| There's a lot of people that are really happy just hanging out with their dog. | ||
| Think about it that way. | ||
| There's a lot of people that are super smart and super healthy and they're just hanging out with their dog. | ||
| There's nothing wrong with that. | ||
| But a lot of people get plenty of companionship just from their dog. | ||
| So if that's the case and they're super happy for the rest of their life, you could date someone who's really dumb. | ||
| As long as they're nice to you, who cares? | ||
| They're cute. | ||
| Just like having a dog. | ||
| Somebody like this? | ||
| What are you doing, Brian? | ||
| That's that video that we were talking about. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Excuse me, miss. | |
| Have you ever had a situation with the official situation? | ||
| Excuse me, Sitch? | ||
| Oh snap, B. Palin. | ||
| You mean to tell me that girls actually fought for that line? | ||
| Come on, I mean, if those words don't work, I got the situation right there. | ||
| I hope you're as committed to safe sex as you are those abs. | ||
| I know you're all about that abstinence thing, you know, but, I mean, come on, B Palin, are you serious? | ||
| Like, you're not gonna hook up with, like, before you married? | ||
| For real. | ||
| For real. | ||
| For real, for real, for real. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All right. | |
| Well, you know what? | ||
| I mean, just in case you do get into a situation, I want to make sure that you are situated. | ||
| Because if you do get into a situation with your situation, you may end up with a situation. | ||
| And you may not like that situation. | ||
| Trust me, though. | ||
| I'm not getting myself into another situation. | ||
| I know how hard it is to be a teen parent. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I totally respect that. | ||
| And I totally respect abstinence. | ||
| I mean, it actually has the word abstinence. | ||
| I mean, come on. | ||
| I'm the situation. | ||
| I love that. | ||
| Very funny. | ||
| But I'm worried about you and you practicing safe sex. | ||
| I actually practice a whole lot. | ||
| I mean, a whole lot. | ||
| Talk about the safe part of that. | ||
| Ah, the safe part? | ||
| We got the safe part down pat. | ||
| One pile. | ||
| Magnums. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I might be able to spare one. | ||
| I mean, you know, I'll give you one. | ||
| It's fine. | ||
| I avoid situations. | ||
| Alright, good, good. | ||
| If you're good at avoiding situations, and you're situated, and I'm situated, situations under control. | ||
| Well, I'm glad that we agree on one thing. | ||
| Pause before you play. | ||
| Pause before you play, that's probably the most important. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| What is this? | ||
| A fucking high school video? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is. | |
| Who made this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, it is. | |
| What was this on? | ||
| Hold on, what was this on? | ||
|
unidentified
|
The... | |
| The Candies Foundation? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| What was it on, television? | ||
| What was it, a commercial? | ||
| What was it? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It was a PSA, bro. | ||
| From... | ||
| The situation... | ||
| Yeah, it's a PSA of some sort. | ||
| Dude, that shit was designed by the terrorists. | ||
| That's designed to lower our standards and weaken our wills, and they're gonna fucking cross our borders and just start raping and pillaging. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| Motherfucker, that was dumb. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Holy shit, that was scary dumb. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's the situation? | |
| The situation ain't situating. | ||
| It's got abs in it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The situation situation. | |
| Whoa. | ||
| Whoever wrote that, they're just trying not to get... | ||
| You should tie a bicycle chain around your neck and jump into the ocean. | ||
| They're trying to give the kids a bicycle chain? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So that means they can, like, pedal out of it, baby. | ||
| So it can slowly drown. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I want them to slowly drown. | ||
| A bicycle chain? | ||
| I can swim out. | ||
| I'm dropping you in the middle of the ocean. | ||
| Oh, in the middle of the ocean. | ||
| I just want, you know, you got to get that chain off first. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Fuck, I'm sick of that. | ||
| What I'm saying is, fuck you, bitch. | ||
| Goddamn, man. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| Stop knocking the microphone, man. | ||
| You son of a bitch. | ||
| Fuck, aren't you hearing that? | ||
| No, I don't even hear it. | ||
| Does it hurt your ears? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dude, it hurts everybody who's listening, too. | ||
| That shit's loud as fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm so sorry. | |
| Okay, here's the situation. | ||
| The situation's parents out town. | ||
| They just don't want people to, like, you know, bang each other. | ||
| Well, what is that about? | ||
| She's pretending she doesn't take dick anymore. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| Right. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's acting like he doesn't have sex without a condom or whatever. | |
| Raw dog chicks? | ||
| Yeah, he's pulling out condoms. | ||
| That dude's had sex in a tanning bed. | ||
| He's probably not wearing a condom. | ||
| You don't think so? | ||
| No. | ||
| Did he have sex in a tanning bed on the show? | ||
| Probably. | ||
| Whoa, that's gotta be bad for your eyes. | ||
| Have you ever masturbated on a tanning bed? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I have not. | |
| I sometimes masturbate about the chick that checks me in at the tanning bed because she's so fucking hot and she has huge tits and she's... | ||
| Oh wait, never mind. | ||
| Well, they say they have a problem with women doing that in tanning beds. | ||
| I've heard that. | ||
| The women like to masturbate in tanning beds. | ||
| Who wouldn't want to masturbate in a hot room? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well... | ||
| We're in a little bubble. | ||
| You got nothing to do with it. | ||
| Maybe an Eskimo. | ||
| The worst is if you spray, though, and then it's early on in the tanning, it starts to sizzle. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| It cooks. | ||
| You're cooking jizz omelets on your stomach? | ||
| That's disgusting, though. | ||
| It sounds like it's a little 7-Up can by your ear. | ||
| That's the low point of this podcast, folks. | ||
| Jizz omelets Cooking jizz omelets Toastity go too far period blood How many times you walked out of the house with dry loads on your stomach? | ||
| Man, never. | ||
| Never? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I felt my belly like I missed a spot or something like that. | |
| I feel a little crunchiness. | ||
| Jim Norton had a load in his belly button from the night before, and we were on Opie and Anthony, and he was telling everybody, he's like, oh, I'm smelling it. | ||
| Hold on a second. | ||
| And he dips his finger in it, and he gave it to one of the interns. | ||
| I forget who it was, and he made smell it. | ||
| And he almost threw up. | ||
| And then he goes, you want to try it? | ||
| I go, alright. | ||
| What? | ||
| So he sticks the smell. | ||
| I mean, basically, I smelled it. | ||
| So that dead, horrible smell. | ||
| Why would you say yes? | ||
| Because I was there. | ||
| I was on the radio. | ||
| Fuck it, I'll smell it. | ||
| So you sniffed Jim Norton's belly load? | ||
| Some of his belly load came into my nose in the form of fumes. | ||
| Basically. | ||
| I would say no to that, wouldn't you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, I should have said no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, on the radio... | |
| I'm just trying to think of Joe... | ||
| Sure, I'll do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, but it's the... | |
| Listen, the radio... | ||
| When you're on the radio, it's just like on this podcast. | ||
| Everybody's at 10. You're just trying to have fun. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Trying to do what's the funniest thing. | ||
| The funniest thing is the guy says, you want to smell my stinky load? | ||
| You go, okay. | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| We're on the radio, you know? | ||
| I'll smell your load if you really want me to. | ||
| You know, and he was kind of shocked, as I was, that I was smelling it. | ||
| Can I go to the bathroom? | ||
| Yeah, go ahead, man. | ||
| I'm just going to jerk off and put a load in my belly button. | ||
| Don't do it. | ||
| Don't do it. | ||
| There's something about the shape of the belly button that makes the loads ferment and fester. | ||
| And again... | ||
| Are you going right now? | ||
| Are you really moving? | ||
| No, he doesn't really have to go to the bathroom. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's kidding. | |
| I don't have to go to the bathroom. | ||
| Thanks, dude. | ||
| Brian didn't see it. | ||
| He didn't see the joke. | ||
| Man, good job. | ||
| You didn't even get my jokes? | ||
| It was an awesome joke, Brian. | ||
| You just totally missed it. | ||
| I was doing something. | ||
| I can't remember what I was doing. | ||
| We've got it down to a science of how much pot you should smoke before one of these things. | ||
| No, I was finding another video for you when you guys were talking. | ||
| The stars don't align. | ||
| What was another video? | ||
| Another PSA with the situation? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Because I don't know if I can fucking take it. | ||
| Bro, I felt like you wasted moments of my life. | ||
| But at the same time, I think it's a step in the right direction that abstinence people have gone, well, people aren't going to stop fucking, so try to wear a condom. | ||
| Is that what they're doing? | ||
| Yeah, because before people... | ||
| But the abstinence people are all religious. | ||
| It's all religious people. | ||
| No one who has a brain is talking about abstinence. | ||
| That's just against human nature. | ||
| You can't stop people from touching each other. | ||
| If that's true, why would they even think for a second that the situation would best represent that PSA? I think because they think of him... | ||
| He's the guy who bangs a lot. | ||
| I mean, whatever. | ||
| They're trying to paint it in a nice way. | ||
| I think they just think he's famous. | ||
| I think it's that simple. | ||
| And he'll do that thing. | ||
| Yeah, as simple as he's famous, he's in the news, if they can get him to do it, people will pay attention. | ||
| Yeah, that's true. | ||
| But that shit is so bad. | ||
| That whole, the situation, you know, if you get in a situation, and her talking, I mean, it's so dumb. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joey Diaz. | |
| This better not be who I think it is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Call from January. | |
| I think it is Joey Diaz. | ||
| How dare he? | ||
| I'm not answering shit. | ||
| So Joey Diaz, we're not fucking picking up the phone, bro. | ||
| I need to remember to unplug this phone. | ||
| Most people don't call me when we're doing a podcast, but occasionally someone gets confused. | ||
| Robot off. | ||
| I know, I need one of those, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| I just need to unplug it. | ||
| The problem is the bass is not in this room. | ||
| I'm a disorganized motherfucker, Brian. | ||
| I wish I had an Ewok. | ||
| I've made great strides, though, in creating this room. | ||
| We actually have a place where we do the podcast every week, and it feels like this is where it all comes from. | ||
| It feels like it's right. | ||
| It's a desk. | ||
| It's like we've got a soundboard. | ||
| It's all professional equipment and shit. | ||
| A friend of mine just started watching the podcast, and he started with episode one, and he's like, holy shit, dude, this is the craziest thing ever. | ||
| You guys were just sitting in front of a laptop, and you had snowflakes coming down. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| We did all kinds of stupid shit. | ||
| It was like Christmas Eve or something like that. | ||
| Yeah, was it? | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| Why don't I get any snowflakes? | ||
| We lost that technology. | ||
| Listen, it's hard enough to keep the image on the air. | ||
| With these Ustream feeds, a lot of times it cuts out and a lot of times our internet will shut off and it cuts out. | ||
| It's a pain in the ass, man. | ||
| You just want to make sure that you just... | ||
| The most important thing is the audio. | ||
| Where do you get a tube that goes right to the internet? | ||
| I'm not even sure what the internet is. | ||
| Me neither. | ||
| Do you know what it is? | ||
| Like, if someone said, hey, you gotta go fix the internet. | ||
| It's broke. | ||
| I know, like, where would you walk to with your tool belt? | ||
| Like, you're like, is it the end of this hallway? | ||
| I mean, it would be broke forever if it was just left out. | ||
| Yeah, we're stupid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, you'd be like, where the fuck is it? | |
| And how do you fix it? | ||
| You'd have to relearn the whole thing. | ||
| I figure it's like in Tron. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| What about Tron? | ||
| It's going to be very strange when everything's wireless, which is going to be inevitable. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| When there's no difference between being plugged in and not being plugged in, which is probably inevitable. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| It's like that now. | ||
| Yeah, but it's not totally like that now. | ||
| There's a lot of places that don't have Wi-Fi. | ||
| There's a lot of people that have their computer plugged in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| This computer's plugged in. | ||
| But eventually, that's not even an option. | ||
| Why would you get a plug? | ||
| Are you stupid? | ||
| You just turn it on. | ||
| It just picks it up. | ||
| It's everywhere. | ||
| That's the next step. | ||
| It's fucking fascinating shit, man. | ||
| Fascinating shit where all these computers and technology... | ||
| It sucks when the shit starts going wrong, though. | ||
| Like, my shit's just altogether going wrong at the same time, and I feel like I'm just in a disaster right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait, have you had superpowers? | |
| My technology, my computers, everything... | ||
| Yeah, you've had a bunch of problems, and one of them that you shouldn't talk about too much because of the nature of the problem. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| You know, that one with the software issue? | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, no, like... | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Follow back. | ||
| You need a flashlight? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Like, all my shit... | ||
| Oh, wait. | ||
| What were you talking about again? | ||
| Put it in your eyeball. | ||
| What? | ||
| No, all my shit's, like, breaking at the same time. | ||
| Like, all my... | ||
| Like, my dog decided to eat my laptop cable, and my battery decided to die. | ||
| My hard drive's dying. | ||
| And then, like, my TV, my HDMI cable shorted out. | ||
| My washing machine broke the other day. | ||
| It's like, everything is breaking right now. | ||
| It's the beginning of the apocalypse break. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is. | |
| It's a little mini apocalypse in your house. | ||
| It's my own little technology 2012. I just thought you had, like, superpowers or something to magnetize the broken cables. | ||
| I thought, what are you doing? | ||
| I'm putting it inside out. | ||
| That looks fucking disgusting! | ||
| Brian, don't do that. | ||
| Bro! | ||
| This is the flashlight that our guests have to touch. | ||
| Man, wait, you're... | ||
| And you're just abusing it and manhandling it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I feel it's really dirty when you take it out of the sleeve to clean it. | |
| Like, it looks really disgusting. | ||
| Is that the butthole one? | ||
| This is either one that you actually used, remember? | ||
| Ew, no, it's not. | ||
| Man, that looks like a real-life butthole, I have to say, man. | ||
| I've seen a butthole or two in my time. | ||
| They make an actual mold of a real-life butthole. | ||
| Well, you know, if you weren't into doing gay porn, but they offered you a million bucks for a foam mold of your butthole, they said, listen, we're going to give you a stone-cold, solid $1 million. | ||
| All we need, we're just going to throw some plaster of Paris over your butthole and make a little impression. | ||
| Of me? | ||
| Yeah, and sell your rubber butthole. | ||
| Would you do it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I would do it for like $16. $16. dollars that's That's so random. | |
| Brian, for publicly, for a mold of your butthole, this would be like an argument that I'd have to have with my manager. | ||
| They'd be like, don't do it. | ||
| I don't think you should do it. | ||
| Oh, I gotta put my name on it? | ||
| It's a million dollars. | ||
| You wouldn't do it? | ||
| Yeah, you gotta sell your butthole. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you gonna do it? | |
| Well, I'm putting it out there right now. | ||
| I'm putting it out there to all the would-be butthole toy manufacturers. | ||
| You think people are going to pay a million dollars for your butthole? | ||
| No, I don't. | ||
| I don't think they are. | ||
| Your ass is a little over bright. | ||
| I don't think you can get a million dollars. | ||
| I think you're right, but that's my price. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A million? | |
| One million, yeah. | ||
| I won't do it for any less. | ||
| You're pricing yourself out, bro. | ||
| Yeah, but I'm not. | ||
| But I'm not. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If some crazy old gay freak with a lot of cash steps up. | |
| Let's talk you down. | ||
| No, what do you mean? | ||
| It's mass-produced. | ||
| How much for mass-produced? | ||
| It has to be $1 million. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Simple. | |
| It's very simple. | ||
| You wouldn't go down. | ||
| You could get a rubber mold of my butthole and it will cost you $1 million. | ||
| I think I'm quite clear. | ||
| I would do it for $10,000, Chris. | ||
| I don't need to negotiate. | ||
| Either way, I'm happy. | ||
| I'm happy if it's yes, I'm happy if it's no. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| I'm glad you have your price, Joe Rogan. | ||
| If it's no, I keep some self-esteem points. | ||
| I feel good about myself. | ||
| If it's yes, holy shit, I just made a million bucks to lie down with some plaster of Paris over my butthole. | ||
| All right, let's take it the other way then. | ||
| Okay, let's do this. | ||
| All right. | ||
| At what point do you sell yourself so bad, you know what I mean, that you can't recover? | ||
| All right, how much money would it take you to, like, suck a horse? | ||
| You know, you could go that far. | ||
| Yeah, you can go too far. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha! | |
| You could certainly go too far. | ||
| But could you? | ||
| Okay, how long is it taking to suck this horse's dick? | ||
| What if you only had to suck a horse's dick until he came? | ||
| Well, what if horses come really quick? | ||
| You know, I don't know. | ||
| I bet they're super sensitive. | ||
| Are you talking pre-cum or full-cum? | ||
| I'm talking a full load. | ||
| A load. | ||
| You don't have to swallow it because you can't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A pre-cum's probably a 12-gallon. | |
| Someone might be able to get fucked by a horse, but I don't see anybody swallowing a horse load. | ||
| You will fucking drown. | ||
| And that's the worst way to call the paramedics, when you're drowning by horse load. | ||
| And that shit would happen, man. | ||
| Remember that old man show guy that would chug the beers? | ||
| Imagine him just trying to keep up with a horse's load. | ||
| Well, it's like, of course you wouldn't want to do that. | ||
| Of course that would be a terrible thing to do. | ||
| But what if it was, and this is the ultimate hack premise, but what if it was for $100 million or something crazy like that? | ||
| Or a billion? | ||
| I know, dude. | ||
| Suck a horse's dick for an hour for a billion dollars. | ||
| For an hour? | ||
| My bad. | ||
| I should have never said that, man. | ||
| Well, you don't have to actually suck it for a whole hour because it probably won't take that long. | ||
| But you're committed to attempt it for one hour. | ||
| Does this have to be a horse or can it be a pony? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| I was thinking. | ||
| I was thinking like... | ||
| That's how juvenile I am. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| I'm so juvenile, that was the funniest thing I've ever heard in my life. | ||
| I paused for a second and pictured you blowing a pony. | ||
| That's all I could think of. | ||
| The pony was brown and white, too. | ||
| It was really cute. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Mine had red ribbons in it, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Red ribbons! | |
| Yeah, I was like, why does it have red ribbons in it, too? | ||
| What is it about little kids that love ponies and horsies and shit like that? | ||
| What is it, man? | ||
| No idea. | ||
| Having little kids, man. | ||
| My daughter loves horsies. | ||
| She loves horsies and ponies. | ||
| It's a giant nice animal that you can ride. | ||
| But she doesn't know you can ride it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| She doesn't know. | ||
| She's two. | ||
| She doesn't know you can ride a fucking horse. | ||
| That's ridiculous to her. | ||
| She must have seen somebody at a fair. | ||
| She's seen Barbie. | ||
| Yeah, Barbie. | ||
| Maybe she's seen it on movies. | ||
| She's seen it in movies. | ||
| Animated movies. | ||
| For no reason. | ||
| But what is it about girls and horses? | ||
| Do you think it's something sexual? | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| I've talked to a few people before and they all say it feels fucking great. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's constantly rubbing their pussy. | ||
| If you look at where their sexual organs are, it's like they're constantly titty-fucking that horse. | ||
| Why do you think? | ||
| I live in an equestrian district and every time I go to Starbucks, there's at least four of them in there. | ||
| They are always plain Jane girls because they can't I agree. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're like, what? | |
| That's so weird. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| You believe that? | ||
| All the women that ride horses around me, all the women in my neighborhood who ride horses, look like they're getting away with something. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're smirking, and they're looking you in the eyes. | |
| They're looking you in the eye while they're nutting in their jeans. | ||
|
unidentified
|
While there's this huge brown muscle underneath them, just fucking tightening up. | |
| And it's moving, clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop. | ||
| Watching iPhone porn as they're riding the... | ||
| No, holding the hair. | ||
| The standard excuse for why a woman lost her hymen. | ||
| The number one excuse was, oh, she lost at horseback riding. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Did you know that? | ||
| Now I do. | ||
| Because, you know, it was always, hey, you know, they check to make sure a version. | ||
| What's going on, Hooker? | ||
| You been getting dick stuffed in there? | ||
| No, I ride horses. | ||
| Like, oh, okay, that's cool. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| So it was legit to bust your hymen? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Legit to bust your hymen and bust a nut. | ||
| I bet they do. | ||
| Cowboys used to carve out their saddles and make little holes when they ride. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Did they? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just stick their dick in there? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-mm. | |
| You just made that up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-mm. | |
| You fuck. | ||
| That's what I would do. | ||
| Is that what you would do? | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| I would think of something like that. | ||
| Make a flashlight somehow to attach to my saddle. | ||
| So you jerk off when you're driving? | ||
| On a long road trip, you jerk off? | ||
| Just jerk off the whole time. | ||
| I've jerked off once in a car that I can remember. | ||
| I don't think I did it again. | ||
| I definitely did it once, though. | ||
| And I was working. | ||
| And I remember very clearly after I came thinking, I'm definitely going to do this again. | ||
| I'm such an idiot. | ||
| Like being disappointed with myself. | ||
| Like I know I'll be doing it. | ||
| It's not like I just jerked off all over myself while I'm driving once. | ||
| Like this is going to be a regular occurrence. | ||
| So I'm thinking this is eventually going to become embarrassing for me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha ha. | |
| But then what happened, man? | ||
| I just never did it again. | ||
| I don't know what happened. | ||
| You just lost your will. | ||
| I guess maybe I just rationalized. | ||
| I looked at, like, am I really that horny? | ||
| Am I really that horny, or am I just looking to be distracted while I'm driving? | ||
| Like, what am I doing? | ||
| This is stupid. | ||
| This is poor time management. | ||
| Plus, it's hard to look at your GPS and imagine it's a girl. | ||
| No. | ||
| Didn't you have a chick that got jealous? | ||
| Yeah, my GPS wants your voice. | ||
| Listen to this. | ||
| He had a fucking GPS thing where it was an English woman's voice. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And his girl got jealous. | ||
| She kept on making me change it to guys. | ||
| And then I would download the British chick. | ||
| It was a TomTom. | ||
| And I would download the British chick. | ||
| And she'd be like, what the fuck is this chick? | ||
| Just turn it to the regular guy. | ||
| What do you think? | ||
| She's hot? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is... | |
| Whoa! | ||
| That is so fucking crazy! | ||
| What kind of a hell were you living in? | ||
| It was when GPS first came out. | ||
| Was it a fiery, lava-filled, hot sticker up the ass hell? | ||
| Tell me about that thing. | ||
| It was just when GPS came out and for some reason it annoyed her. | ||
| She didn't like that it was a girl talking. | ||
| But she said, do you think she sounds hot? | ||
| She asked why I just didn't have a normal guy voice. | ||
| She thought it was odd that I always made it a sexy Asian girl speaking English voice or whatever. | ||
| What? | ||
| They have that option? | ||
| They have British woman, UK, Asian, American, Asian, Asian. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Did you ever get to the point where you were hearing that, where you were going, I have to get out of this relationship? | ||
| No, it came out to the point where they had it where you could make your own recordings of it. | ||
| She did it?! | ||
| What the hell is wrong with you, man? | ||
| You did it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why would I want to hear myself talk to me? | |
| I want to hear the chick say, I'm like, thanks, lady. | ||
| Or I want to be like, yeah, thanks, baby. | ||
| I did it, so it's like, turn the fuck up here. | ||
| I just cussed and stuff. | ||
| And she was happy with that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, well, we broke up after, I think, around that time. | |
| Bro, I would have broke up with her. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| I would have kicked her out of the car. | ||
| Like, right there. | ||
| Wyatt was still moving. | ||
| Have you ever kicked a girl out of your car? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the hell are you talking about? | |
| The way he said it. | ||
| Wait, you said yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I kicked you out. | |
| You were saying yeah, but what you were really saying was, of course, stupid. | ||
| Yeah, I was saying of course, stupid. | ||
| That was my next thing, of course. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| I've only kicked out one girl in my car ever. | ||
| I think it was like high school time, though. | ||
| I was like, dude. | ||
| Get out of my car. | ||
| It was like little kids. | ||
| I have one crazy bitch that I dated when I was 21. Just loved to fight. | ||
| Just loved to, for whatever reason, just start picking fights. | ||
| When you date people, you figure out some people are out of their minds. | ||
| This one was nuts. | ||
| She used to like to fight, and then she used to like me to go, Hey, what the fuck is wrong with you? | ||
| Stop picking on me. | ||
| Stop yelling at me. | ||
| Just fucking chill out. | ||
| You're acting like an asshole. | ||
| I'm not doing anything to you. | ||
| And then she would go super submissive. | ||
| It was really crazy. | ||
| And then want to fuck. | ||
| That was like her constant strategy. | ||
| So after a while, it was like she wanted to be handled. | ||
| So she wanted to rise up. | ||
| She wanted to say shitty things. | ||
| And it would build. | ||
| She would start with like a little insult. | ||
| And then it would go on. | ||
| And I would ignore it. | ||
| I would try to just like, please, let's not fight. | ||
| And then we get to the point where she would say something really stupid. | ||
| And I have to go, hey, what the fuck are you doing? | ||
| Do we like each other? | ||
| Why are you talking to me like this? | ||
| Like, what's going on here? | ||
| This is dumb, dumb shit. | ||
| Like, you're not considering my feelings. | ||
| And then she would go, I'm sorry. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| Fuck, I'm an asshole. | ||
| I'm a loser. | ||
| I don't know what's wrong with me. | ||
| And then she would want to crash. | ||
| And she would want me to fuck her. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Is that life smaller or what? | ||
| I date the same kind of girls. | ||
| It's a sort of like a distraction, sexual reward game. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're just bored. | |
| You want to fight. | ||
| Well, it's just they also have that pattern. | ||
| It's usually every relationship they've had has had that pattern. | ||
| They have drama with their friends. | ||
| They usually have drama at home. | ||
| It's like some people become addicted to drama. | ||
| And the big thrill you get from sort of overcoming drama. | ||
| You know, how many dudes do you know that just like, you have to fucking get in a yelling match with this asshole before you can be friends with him? | ||
| I mean, how many guys have you ever met? | ||
| I mean, in our circles and circles of guys who train and MMA guys and high testosterone individuals, there's always this one guy where you have to go, bro, what the fuck? | ||
| And then he's okay. | ||
| Are you trying to say that about me right now, man? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I'm just kidding. | ||
| I'm just kidding, bro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| That sounds like something I would say. | ||
| Oh, coconut juice. | ||
| It's the shit, isn't it? | ||
| I got a fucking complaint from a young man on Twitter. | ||
| What? | ||
| Saying that the coconut juice, I was steering him wrong. | ||
| That coconut juice tastes like shit. | ||
| Yeah, well, he's done. | ||
| You gotta get the right stuff. | ||
| You gotta get the right stuff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And, you know, I bet there's some people out there like, man, I like Mountain Dew gold. | |
| Joe Rogan made me smoke, you know, drink this coconut juice. | ||
| Well, I like Mountain Dew gold. | ||
| I don't have a problem with Mountain Dew gold. | ||
| No, you know what I'm saying, though? | ||
| They're just like, whatever. | ||
| They drink Mountain Dew every day, and that's it. | ||
| You know, think guys like that. | ||
| Like, the same people that make fun of me for enjoying grape vodka. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What do you like? | |
| Flavored vodka, you faggot? | ||
| You need to drink Budweiser. | ||
| Sorry for dropping the F-bomb again. | ||
| You can say whatever you want. | ||
| Bro, I'm allowed to do that. | ||
| Yeah, I don't care. | ||
| I only retired it because I saw that. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I stopped doing it too. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, and I want to say it sometimes because I'm used to it because to me it means something way different. | ||
| I saw that show, Louie, and I saw the guy and I was like, oh, I get it now. | ||
| I see why gay people hate that word. | ||
| It's not correct. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But it's PH. No, but to them, it's like real hateful heart. | |
| And I'm like, oh, to me, it's like what we say when we're little kids. | ||
| You're just like, whatever, fag. | ||
| You don't mean it at anything. | ||
| I've been saying it for so long. | ||
| That was a great scene, but what I was saying is not correct is when he was saying that the origin of the word faggot meant that you would throw them on the fire just like faggots of wood. | ||
| Oh, that's not true? | ||
| No, that's not the correct, what they call etymology. | ||
| It's not etymology? | ||
| No, the correct one is that A faggot, like a bundle of wood, was a burden and it was difficult to carry. | ||
| So a woman became a faggot. | ||
| So women were faggots because they were a bundle of wood that was difficult to carry. | ||
| They became burdensome. | ||
| And then when they would talk about guys who were gay, they would call them faggots too because they were women. | ||
| They would just, look at him, he's a faggot. | ||
| He's a burdensome woman. | ||
| That's what the correct... | ||
| So me calling Jason's mom a faggot was actually proper terminology. | ||
| Well, I don't know if his mom was a burdensome woman. | ||
| She might have been a joy to be around and a wonderful companion. | ||
| Like a bundle of wood. | ||
| Could have been. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But either way, yeah. | ||
| The problem is that it has a different definition for gay people than it does for us. | ||
| Yeah, that's the only reason that I don't want to say it. | ||
| Oh, my bad. | ||
| How long ago did you retire? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| A while ago. | ||
| That's really... | ||
| Whenever I saw that... | ||
| It took a while. | ||
| I saw it and I thought about it. | ||
| And I'm like, yeah, that is like hate, like hateful word, like such a to them. | ||
| And to me, it's not that way. | ||
| And I understand why people say it. | ||
| Cause when you want to like disrespect a dude as much as you can, then you just say that, but you're not thinking you're gay. | ||
| Like it just has a nice ring to it. | ||
| It just sounds like mean. | ||
| That's why people, you know, say it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It sounds very dismissive. | ||
| I never said it to a gay dude ever. | ||
| I don't think. | ||
| No, I never have either. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Lucy can't have that great joke about it unless he was being a faggot. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| He said something about, all the people from Phoenix are Phoenicians. | ||
| Shut up, you faggot. | ||
| You know, that's... | ||
| Hey, you're not about to say it anymore. | ||
| I'm just quoting Louis C.K. Oh, dude! | ||
| You're just going to start quoting people all the time. | ||
| That's what I'm going to do. | ||
| This is how I'm going to keep saying faggot by bringing up that I'm not saying it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Until the end of time. | |
| The loophole. | ||
| Well, you know, there's always another time. | ||
| Look, I'm not going to ignore topics. | ||
| We're not going to pretend it's not real, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| All I'm saying is I'm not going to use it as a slander, as a slur. | ||
| It's not a slander. | ||
| You're going to be mad at somebody. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're going to be like, if I didn't retire that word faggot right now, it would be a proper time to use that answer. | |
| I wonder if I can still say faggotry, because that's not even the same word. | ||
| It's like saying niggardly. | ||
| Yeah, that's the trick. | ||
| That's a tricky word. | ||
| That means stingy. | ||
| It has no origins. | ||
| It's not related to the word. | ||
| At all. | ||
| At all. | ||
| I know, it's so weird. | ||
| The word nigger. | ||
| It's close. | ||
| I said it. | ||
| I said it and I don't give a fuck. | ||
| I'm not calling anybody it. | ||
| We're just admitting that it's real. | ||
| So you're more scared of gay people than black people? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| I'm not saying... | ||
| I'm not calling anyone it. | ||
| I'm just saying that it's a word. | ||
| And sometimes when you're talking about the N-word, it's more offensive to me to say the N-word. | ||
| Oh, Joe. | ||
| Here we go again. | ||
| You silly bitch. | ||
| We're going again with you. | ||
| You fucking terrible person. | ||
| Did you call someone's mom a faggot? | ||
| Oh, I did not. | ||
| You called my mom a faggot, bro. | ||
| And I fucking forgot about it. | ||
| Jason T-Ball, he called his mom a faggot. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, Brian did. | ||
| He just didn't give a fuck. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| He's reckless. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| Brian's doing stand-up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| Does she have like a short haircut or something? | ||
| No, she's a lesbian. | ||
| She's a real lesbian. | ||
| I know. | ||
| She's a real live lesbian and he's running around calling her a faggot. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because that's Brian. | ||
| That's how he rolls. | ||
| He doesn't give a fuck. | ||
| And the reason I called your mom a faggot... | ||
| Yeah, why'd you call my mom a faggot? | ||
| Because the fella was tight like an asshole. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| What? | ||
| She was tight like an asshole. | ||
| Brian. | ||
| Man. | ||
| This is the worst showstopper you've ever thrown. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know, dude. | |
| Why would you say that to Mayhem's mom? | ||
| Dude, my mom downloads the podcast, bro. | ||
| Does your mom download the podcast? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, bro. | ||
| Why did you just do that, man? | ||
| What did you just do? | ||
| You're going to have to go back and edit this. | ||
| This is going to be the lost tapes. | ||
| Listen, somebody tweet me the time here. | ||
| My mom wakes up in like four hours, bro. | ||
| Bro, how dare you, man? | ||
| That is not cool at all, dude. | ||
| Oh, whatever. | ||
| And she's very sensitive about that. | ||
| I'm sure that's a good thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If she was sitting around, at least she didn't say I was sloppy, you know? | |
| I'm sure she probably is happy about that. | ||
| But you're insinuating you fucked his mom. | ||
| I did not. | ||
| You didn't fuck my mom? | ||
|
unidentified
|
She said she came out here. | |
| She said you guys talked on Twitter. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huh? | |
| My mom said you guys talked on Twitter. | ||
| How crazy is that LeBron James story where one of his teammates was fucking his mom? | ||
| Yeah, that's crazy. | ||
| Do you know that story? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| One of LeBron's teammates was fucking his mom. | ||
| Makes sense. | ||
| That's gotta be rough, though. | ||
| Wait, and what team? | ||
| The Miami Heat? | ||
| Yeah, whatever. | ||
| No, the other one. | ||
| Oh, yeah, in Cleveland. | ||
| There's not a lot to do up there in Cleveland. | ||
| So they just fuck people's moms? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Fuck people's moms. | ||
| This has got to be a lot of things ahead of fuck this guy's mom. | ||
| I'm from Columbus. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| We just fuck each other's moms. | ||
| Dude, how happy are you when it gets to be like November, December, like right now? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm not kidding. | |
| Really? | ||
| My mom is from Columbus, Ohio. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That makes sense. | |
| That's where I met her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Perfect. | |
| That's where I met her. | ||
| You're not letting this go. | ||
| This is horrible. | ||
| So creepy. | ||
| Man, my mom's gonna be pissed watching this podcast. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| Mrs. Mayhem, I'm sorry. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| For my friend Brian, most of what he says is just for comedic value. | ||
| He doesn't really mean that. | ||
| Dude, this whole thing is, you can't take anything serious on this podcast. | ||
| Please don't. | ||
| I would like to kiss her in the Buckeye. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| Please don't take anything I say ever, anywhere, seriously. | ||
| I know. | ||
| That's the problem I have. | ||
| It's not worth it. | ||
| It's not worth it. | ||
| It's too much of an investment. | ||
| Right? | ||
| You know, I wouldn't take anything I said seriously. | ||
| We're just saying silly things because it's fun. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, that's what the beauty of podcasts are, folks. | ||
| You're getting a little window into a retarded conversation that Mayhem and I would have probably had with or without you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| Probably, right? | ||
| Fuck yeah! | ||
| That's one of the coolest things about doing this podcast, is basically hanging out with your friends, except other people all throughout the world. | ||
| And I'll tell you, man, I've gotten all these fucking emails, and I've met all these people that tell me how they don't have anybody like these people. | ||
| They don't know anyone like you, or like a lot of the guests that I have. | ||
| They don't know these fucking people. | ||
| They don't have anyone like this in their life. | ||
| They don't have friends that talk to us. | ||
| They don't have people that talk to us. | ||
| But by listening to this thing three, four hours every week or so, You get all these weird different people become a part of your daily conversations. | ||
| This is like super hyper-accelerating shit for some people. | ||
| From people that live in shitty places where they have poor conversations with people and they long for someone who can bring challenging ideas to their head. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Radio has always been a format of smart people, I think. | ||
| Or people who you want to... | ||
| Yeah, communication. | ||
| Higher levels of communication. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| I mean, there's obviously a lot of bad shit, like a lot of the right-wing, rah-rah talk radio. | ||
| Yeah, but that's for those people. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| People want something to rally against. | ||
| People want something to be a part of. | ||
| We all do. | ||
| I do. | ||
| I always wanted to win a radio call-in contest. | ||
| I always wanted to hear my name on the radio when I was driving somewhere. | ||
| Dude, you should totally host some sort of a regular radio show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| You could totally do something like that. | ||
| What? | ||
| Host some sort of a regular radio show. | ||
| MMA hour? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You want me to crank up a podcast? | ||
| You could totally do something for Sirius or something like that. | ||
| It's called blowing your speakers. | ||
| You doing it just... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You, an hour. | ||
| I didn't even know. | ||
| One time a week? | ||
| Just throw it in one time a week? | ||
| Do it for an hour? | ||
| Are you offering me a job at Sirius right now? | ||
| I'm telling you, Brian can set up a podcast for you. | ||
| He has a little podcast studio, Red Band Studios, in his house. | ||
| He's rocking right now, and we did one with Tom Segura and his lovely wife the other day. | ||
| He's done it with Ari and Jason. | ||
| We have a new one coming up with Sam Tripoli. | ||
| It's all about zombies. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Zombies? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Sam Tripoli's doing a zombie podcast? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Starting tomorrow. | ||
| What more can you say about zombies? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's going to be interesting. | ||
| They're all pilots. | ||
| They're all pilots. | ||
| I predict by episode three, he'll just start calling people a zombie so he can talk shit about them. | ||
| Yeah, George Bush, he's a zombie. | ||
| See him on TV? That fucking... | ||
| It was kind of like that one I used to do with the podcats with Joey Diaz. | ||
| It was all about cats, but like, hey, so let's talk about cat litter. | ||
| Oh, anyways, you used to rape guys? | ||
| It had nothing to do with cats. | ||
| I've never listened to Joey's podcast, but it's called Beauty and the Beast, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How is it? | ||
| Yeah, it's pretty good. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| That girl has such a cute voice. | ||
| I could listen to her all day. | ||
| Does he get as worked up when he's with her? | ||
| Does he get crazy and start yelling and shit? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And sometimes, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's exactly what you would expect your ideas to be. | |
| Jason has to use the potty. | ||
| You know who's a big fan of that is Miss Miller. | ||
| Miss Miller used to... | ||
| Really? | ||
| We used to... | ||
|
unidentified
|
We used to drive home, you know... | |
| I like how you called her Miss. | ||
| Miss Miller? | ||
| Not Mrs. Yeah. | ||
| Um... | ||
| Miz. | ||
| Miz. | ||
| Remember that shit for a while? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You were trying to rock Miz? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You don't know what I am, bitch. | ||
| I don't even know what... | ||
| That's one of those things I just haven't cared enough about to learn the miss. | ||
| The metric system? | ||
| Yeah, the metric system with the misses and the misses and the missers. | ||
| I still don't know. | ||
| There's only one for men, mister. | ||
| Well, I still... | ||
| You're like, you're adding shit. | ||
| You're like, the Missouri. | ||
| Well, there's something else, right? | ||
| You don't even think about voting, right? | ||
| When voting comes around, you're like, what do I give a fuck? | ||
| No, I don't want fucking any court dates. | ||
| I don't want to get audited or any... | ||
| I don't want to be in the system as much as possible. | ||
| Like, did you just hear that the government just closed down like 80 websites the other day? | ||
| Just pulled them off the internet. | ||
| Well, weren't they selling a bunch of pirated shit? | ||
| So? | ||
| I mean, can you just overtake somebody that has, you know, you know what torrents are, right? | ||
| They're just like, they're not. | ||
| Was that what it is? | ||
| It was torrents? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, torrent websites. | |
| Well, I thought some of them were also like piracy websites like where people were selling like counterfeit jewelry and shit like that. | ||
| Okay, maybe, but it's still kind of weird that they're allowed to just go bam, you know. | ||
| I know what you're saying. | ||
| saying. | ||
| Seems weird. | ||
| Well, you know, obviously it is. | ||
| And it's once they can start shutting down websites. | ||
| But if they're doing, see, it's the tricky thing. | ||
| Like a lot of people, you know, you've got to recognize that the courts have decided that torrents and downloading copyrighted material is is stealing. | ||
| That's how they're looking at it. | ||
| So if they've made decisions like that, and then you're gonna run a website or some sort of a torrent site where you're gonna get people access to a bunch of illegal shit, you gotta assume that eventually someone's gonna shut you down, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, look at the Pirate Bay. | ||
| I don't know if you saw that. | ||
| They just went back. | ||
| They lost, right? | ||
| And then they lost the rebuttal or whatever it's called. | ||
| And now they're going to jail. | ||
| The website's still up, though. | ||
| It's like, wait. | ||
| So some people are going to jail. | ||
| How do those guys make money? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Advertising, man. | |
| There's so much advertising on that website, it's ridiculous. | ||
| And people pay just to have an ad there? | ||
| Because nobody pays attention to those fucking ads. | ||
| When you go to a website, when was the last time you clicked an ad? | ||
| Something has to be absolutely fucking outstandingly interesting for me to click it. | ||
| They're the kind that you just go there and it says, Congratulations! | ||
| You won a gift card to the Olive Garden. | ||
| Click here. | ||
| So it's crappy, like websites. | ||
| So nobody, like, legitimate is going to... | ||
| But they're paying them, they must be paying them mad loot, right? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| In order for them to be fighting this like this, they're not? | ||
| So you think they're just fighting it just because they want freedom? | ||
| They want to be able to just trade numbers? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I mean, that's all it is, really. | ||
| I think that's the whole point of, you know, you can't bust somebody for having, you know, you can't bust somebody for stealing whatever, a Milli Vanilli CD if you don't have the Milli Vanilli CD on something you're serving. | ||
| You're just pointing it to all these different directions, you know? | ||
| I see what you're saying. | ||
| It's like torrents. | ||
| Yeah, you're going right to the people? | ||
| Yeah, torrents are just using, like, you have a piece of a file on your computer. | ||
| Somebody else has a piece of a file on their computer. | ||
| And all this website, like Pirate Bay, is pointing, like, hey, this is where to go to join this group. | ||
| This is the hallway to walk down. | ||
| Yeah, this is the hallway down there to walk down in this group. | ||
| But it's coming from someone who already bought it, and they should be able to give it away. | ||
| Is that what you're saying? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, I'm just saying... | ||
| Someone somewhere had to attain a copy of it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, well, yeah. | |
| Absolutely. | ||
| So either they bought it or they stole it. | ||
| I'm saying what's scary about the Pirate Bay and what's scary about a lot of these places is if they don't actually have files on their computer and they're getting arrested for things, then what makes it stop you getting arrested because somebody put a torrent file on your form, even though it's not hosted? | ||
| Right, but their whole entire purpose for existing on the internet is to connect people with other people that have things available for download that are illegal. | ||
| Yeah, so Google has maps and it tells you where to go to murder people if you want to. | ||
| Oh, but that's a big leap, though. | ||
| It's not like Google's called Murder Google. | ||
| It's like Google's advertising. | ||
| Hey, check if they got MurderGoogle.com. | ||
| I want to start that. | ||
| Serial Killer Google. | ||
| I see what you're saying. | ||
| I totally see what you're saying. | ||
| But I also see that if these companies... | ||
| Look, for sure music companies have suffered big time because of the internet. | ||
| Well, yeah. | ||
| They're just going to shake it up. | ||
| Eventually, if shit is like... | ||
| For me, clicking on iTunes is so easy that I go, okay, I'll just click on iTunes. | ||
| Me too. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| I'll just buy it. | ||
| And not because I have a boatload of money because I would buy about the same amount of music as I do now. | ||
| But, like, if I was, like, super poor. | ||
| But, like, it's, like, so easy to do, and I don't even want to steal this stuff. | ||
| The only time I ever download something is when it's not available for sale. | ||
| You know, if I can buy it, I buy it. | ||
| I buy everything. | ||
| Or when it's not out yet. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's just they're finding that equalized, like, pressure. | ||
| And I think that those torrent files, that's an awesome technology. | ||
| Like, they need to... | ||
| Use that in legal ways. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| That's just how it is. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The whole issue is a very tricky issue. | ||
| Because on one side, you have to say, well, you're stifling innovation by stopping all these people from doing all this stuff and by putting on the brakes on all these sites. | ||
| But on the other side, you go, well, wait a minute. | ||
| How the fuck are these people supposed to make money? | ||
| You can't just have something for free that I want to sell for $20 on Amazon.com. | ||
| You could download it in 10 minutes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What I'm saying is, it's the same as, oh my god, CDs are going to make everybody, you know, writable CDs are going to ruin it for the music industry. | ||
| No, they've got to find an equal pressure. | ||
| Well, writable CDs did a little bit of a dent, but the big dent was done by the internet. | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| I mean, look, man, do you remember when there was record stores? | ||
| Yeah, but they wanted records. | ||
| Now it's so easy just to click. | ||
| You know, life is getting better, but some people are going to suffer for sure. | ||
| I'm lucky. | ||
| I live across the street from a record store that does used records and regular records. | ||
| So every time I want a CD, I just go there and spend $3.99 for a used CD. What's the name of the store? | ||
| Don't say it, because then people will know exactly where you live. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You live right across the street from it, Brian. | ||
| I was testing you. | ||
| I've been to Amoeba. | ||
| Amoeba Records is pretty dope. | ||
| Amoeba Suite. | ||
| It's like some weird link to the past where you're holding a vinyl album. | ||
| You're like, whoa, this is a disc, and you spin this and something scratches it. | ||
| And how often do you buy a record? | ||
| I'll buy a CD, though. | ||
| I'll buy CDs still if I'm someplace. | ||
| If I'm at Best Buy and I want to listen to something, like we have a rental car or something like that. | ||
| But now that I have my phone or my iPod hooked up to my car... | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| You have all your media in your hand. | ||
| What I miss though is a real DJ. I miss DJs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| What are you talking about? | ||
| There's personalities. | ||
| Cool DJs. | ||
| Hey! | ||
| It's mayhem in the a.m. | ||
| 96.7. | ||
| We're getting wacky this morning. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a big drive on the highway today. | |
| I could see that. | ||
| Mayhem in the A-hem. | ||
| Mayhem in the A-hem. | ||
| I could see that radio show now. | ||
| You would have to get a black chick sidekick. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| You would have to get two. | ||
| The first one you're going to fire. | ||
| She's just really... | ||
| And then the second one will know. | ||
| Listen, bitch, you get crazy. | ||
| We're going to fire you. | ||
| This is the Mayhem show, right? | ||
| This is the Natanya show. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| Wendy Williams will be my sidekick? | ||
| Me and Wendy Williams talking shit about MMA. Yo, did you see the fight this weekend? | ||
| And Wendy Williams would be like, no. | ||
| That's so funny. | ||
| Oh, whatever. | ||
| And you're going to do traffic for me, right? | ||
| And then we got the traffic. | ||
| We got the seating, the 101. Yeah, if I would have traffic, it would be like kittens would be falling from the sky in his videos. | ||
| Right when you were tuning into the clouds, it'd be some fucking flaming skull face that scares the shit out of you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I had a little bit of blood on my toilet bowl seat when I got off today. | |
| Have you seen that video of that rat attacking cats? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Wait, is this a Brazilian jungle rat or something? | ||
| It's some crazy rat. | ||
| I don't know where it was, but there's this rat running after these cats and one time bites this one cat and it's stuck to him and the cat's running trying to shake the rat off. | ||
| This rat doesn't give a fuck. | ||
| These cats are so confused. | ||
| Well, I mean, they're domesticated house cats. | ||
| They're not fighting giant mega monster rats that have been mutated by ooze. | ||
| And you realize when you see how high rats can jump. | ||
| They jump up to bite. | ||
| Those motherfuckers jump high. | ||
| They're like an athletic animal. | ||
| Yeah, they're pretty low, man. | ||
| We're lucky rats are little. | ||
| If rats were big, we'd be fucked. | ||
| We'd really be fucked, man. | ||
| I killed a rat once in my garage and I left it there because I was lazy. | ||
| That's why I lived in Encino. | ||
| And it was a big fucking rat because I used to leave the garbage back there and I would hear like these in my garage like clang, clang, clang. | ||
| I would hear these loud ass noises and I opened up my garage. | ||
| I opened up the door and I hit the light switch and this fucking rat moved across my garbage and it was like attack size. | ||
| Like it could attack me. | ||
| Like, this is a big, dangerous, threatening animal. | ||
| I was looking at this like, holy fuck, that's a big rat. | ||
| That's called a possum, bro. | ||
| It was big, dude. | ||
| It was a rat. | ||
| But it was big, man. | ||
| It was like half the size of a cat. | ||
| How do you know it was a rat? | ||
| Because I killed it. | ||
| So I set up a trap. | ||
| Got a rat trap, set it up there, and I came back and it was fucking... | ||
| Big, man. | ||
| Like, big and fat and fucking. | ||
| I'm like, this is eating all my garbage. | ||
| I would have put that on JoeRogan.net if I were you. | ||
| I fucked up. | ||
| This is before I even had JoeRogan.net. | ||
| The trap was in his ass. | ||
| If I had acted back then, I would have owned JoeRogan.com. | ||
| But I was sleeping. | ||
| That motherfucker! | ||
| To me, he's one of my greatest losses. | ||
| He's a real estate guy. | ||
| Very nice guy from Boise, Idaho. | ||
| He wanted a shitload of money for it. | ||
| He wanted like 80 grand. | ||
| Something crazy. | ||
| I was like, what? | ||
| I'm like, I can't give you that much money, man. | ||
| I have.net. | ||
| They can find it. | ||
| Now with Google, if you want to find my website, you can find it. | ||
| It's not that hard. | ||
| I can't give you that much for fucking.com. | ||
| Crazy asshole. | ||
| I know, yeah. | ||
| You're Joe Rogan. | ||
| Give me some money. | ||
| There's another guy that has an issue with that. | ||
| Tom Green. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because there's another dude named Tom Green. | ||
| You're on there tomorrow, by the way, right? | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I'm doing Tom Green's... | ||
| What time are you doing that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's a good question. | ||
| Tom Green's podcast tomorrow at the Smodcastle. | ||
| I guess Kevin Smith has some sort of a whole podcast, like a studio set up. | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| Just to do podcasts. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Podcasts are fucking taking off, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They are, man. | |
| They are. | ||
| How about Mayhem and the Ahem, a podcast? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mayhem and the Ahem. | |
| If you want to do it, man, we could set it up. | ||
| We could do it at Brian's place. | ||
| You can come to my house. | ||
| You can't rape him, though, man. | ||
| No rape. | ||
| Promise. | ||
| Who, Eric? | ||
| You. | ||
|
unidentified
|
My Chris. | |
| Promise not to rape me. | ||
| Chris over here, you can't scare him. | ||
| His name's fucking Eric, bro. | ||
| That's today. | ||
| It used to be Chris, which is for the record. | ||
| He changed his name. | ||
| Brian first, but then Chris after he met you, and then Eric after today. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I always can't remember your name. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| You're Red Band. | ||
| I can't call you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I get a nickname in my head for somebody and I get stuck. | |
| You don't think I'm Eric. | ||
| You're Red Band. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| You're just trying to play with my emotions. | ||
| Dude, that fucking laugh, this whole attitude you have towards life, this I'm not scared to be around mountain lions and sharks and shit like that. | ||
| Why would you be? | ||
| Man, whatever. | ||
| I'm not saying you're wrong. | ||
| I'm not saying you're wrong. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm not arguing it. | |
| I think everybody's scared to be around. | ||
| I think you only think about it more, though. | ||
| Me? | ||
| Yeah, you're constantly thinking about it. | ||
| I am too aware. | ||
| I just feel like I'll deal with that when it comes up. | ||
| I'm like, oh, right now I'm going to live my life, and then I see a fucking mountain lion while I'm mountain biking, which makes sense because they both have mountain in them. | ||
| I would fucking deal with it then. | ||
| It's a very weird thing when you lock eyes with a big predator like a mountain lion in the wild. | ||
| I only locked eyes with the one that I saw. | ||
| I only locked eyes with it for a couple seconds. | ||
| But that's a very weird moment. | ||
| You saw it with your dog? | ||
| Don't you have a giant dog? | ||
| Yeah, my giant dog was inside. | ||
| It was my little dog that was outside that got jacked. | ||
| My giant dog is a big Mastiff. | ||
| It stole it from you? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| My Mastiff was injured. | ||
| So he had injured his paw. | ||
| So I left him in the house. | ||
| I didn't want him running around up in the mountains. | ||
| They would run all over the place up there. | ||
| Just kidding. | ||
| You know, they'd get a pack, there's three of them together, and they would have a good time. | ||
| Just go run and play. | ||
| And that kept animals away. | ||
| But I have a bulldog, and he's lazy. | ||
| And then this little dog, which was a Chihuahua, excuse me, Pomeranian-American Eskimo mix. | ||
| And that one's the one that got jacked. | ||
| Because he was out there wandering around basically by himself. | ||
| He's only 20 pounds, and he doesn't have his 140-pound buddy to look over his shoulders. | ||
| And he doesn't have the bulldog, because the bulldog would go with them if the two of them were going. | ||
| Even though he's lazy, he would go with them. | ||
| So there was a lot of action there. | ||
| There was a pack that would keep the animals away. | ||
| But something had been stalking my house for a while because the dogs would just go crazy. | ||
| They'd be on the porch. | ||
| You just start barking at the top of their lungs. | ||
| And you'd hear things like snapping in the distance, in the dark. | ||
| It's a trip, man. | ||
| Do I have to worry about... | ||
| I probably don't, but I'm pretty sure I don't have to. | ||
| If I was you. | ||
| Crows. | ||
| Crows don't kill dogs, right? | ||
| Did you not see the movie? | ||
| Well, I'm not talking about... | ||
| Alfred Hitchcock? | ||
| Brandon. | ||
| Crows are ruthless. | ||
| Crows are ruthless, right? | ||
| They'll kill your dog. | ||
| They think they can? | ||
| There's this guy and this girl crow that just sit out and make these clicking noises, like the whole time. | ||
| And then my dog will come out there and just be looking up at it, and then once in a while the crow just swoops down, doesn't attack it or anything, but it's kind of like he's just like... | ||
| Like about to do it. | ||
| Seeing if you can eat it. | ||
| I left a steak outside. | ||
| It was partially thawed and not totally thawed out and I was going to barbecue. | ||
| So I left a steak outside for 10 minutes. | ||
| I came back. | ||
| There was two crows on it just jacking the steak. | ||
| Just pulling out chunks of the meat and squawking. | ||
| So I do have to worry about crows. | ||
| Yo, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck yeah. | |
| You have to worry about crows. | ||
| You can't leave your dog outside if that's what you mean. | ||
| Dude, in Japan, they have monster crows. | ||
| Your dog's three pounds and she's a whore. | ||
| Three pounds? | ||
| She's a three pound whore. | ||
| I'll come out and my dog's fucking the crows. | ||
| Yeah, the crows are gangbanging your dog. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, you get over here. | |
| You missed the story. | ||
| Twixie vixen. | ||
| He brought his dog to a party where a bunch of people had dogs and they all took turns just gangbanging his dog. | ||
| So I'm at the same time. | ||
| All the dogs did? | ||
| Yeah, ten dogs. | ||
| It's a giant pile on. | ||
| What a slut. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Man, I love her. | ||
| Twixie. | ||
| Sweet Twixie Vixie. | ||
| My hot dog dog is gay, for sure. | ||
| Is he? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| He had a little tiny dog, a two-pound dog like that that he was talking about. | ||
| And he was not interested, but he had this little tight, athletic, muscular... | ||
| Little dude dog. | ||
| And he was just like all over it. | ||
| Banging him. | ||
| Front headlock. | ||
| Banging him. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I was like, what are you? | ||
| Alright. | ||
| Like, wow, you're into dudes, huh? | ||
| I guess. | ||
| I figure if I was just running around with just like a collar on, I would be, you know, whatever. | ||
| The line is blurred at that point. | ||
| The line is blurry. | ||
| Like, you're running around in a collar. | ||
| You're a wild animal. | ||
| Well, whatever. | ||
| If the female's in heat, then it becomes very clear. | ||
| Yeah, that's what I mean. | ||
| He was sniffing at the coochie-coo, like, quite a bit. | ||
| He was like... | ||
| My pit bull was, um... | ||
| He was in agony one night. | ||
| Like, in serious, serious agony. | ||
| Where I thought he said something wrong with him. | ||
| I'm like, he's got cancer or something. | ||
| This is crazy. | ||
| He was, like, whining and yiping. | ||
| And I'd come near him. | ||
| I'm like, what's up, buddy? | ||
| You okay? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I'm like, whoa, this is crazy. | ||
| My dog's fucked up. | ||
| Like, he'd go down the stairs and he'd be, like, limping as he was going down the stairs. | ||
| And you jerked him off. | ||
| I feel real sad. | ||
| I'm like, my dog's gonna die. | ||
| Something's wrong with my dog. | ||
| I gotta get him to the vet. | ||
| This is horrible. | ||
| He's, like, whimpering. | ||
| So I take him to the vet. | ||
| The vet looks at me. | ||
| He starts checking out my dog's balls. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Checking out his dick. | ||
| And he's like, you see this? | ||
| You see this right here? | ||
| See how inflamed this is? | ||
| Okay, there's a dog in your neighborhood that's in heat. | ||
| And that's what's going on. | ||
| I'm like, whoa! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| He's in agony from his heart on. | ||
| His dick was so swollen. | ||
| It was so, like, the glands. | ||
| Like, here's the balls, and then there's these weird glands by the side of the dick that are just like... | ||
| My dog has that sometimes. | ||
| Is your dog fixed? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, my dog isn't either. | ||
| Is he jerk your dog off? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what I just said. | |
| I said he shouldn't jerk the dog off. | ||
| They can't do anything. | ||
| You can if you want to jerk your dog off. | ||
| You can't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Red Rocket. | |
| How many times are you going to do that in a row? | ||
| It just depends. | ||
| If I had to do it every, I don't know, couple weeks, I guess I could do that. | ||
| I mean, he's a good friend. | ||
| My friend Dimitri used to jerk off his dog. | ||
| I'm going to answer the phone. | ||
| It's right there. | ||
| Same person. | ||
| Disrespectful fucks. | ||
| They don't know we're on the podcast right now. | ||
| Bullshit, man. | ||
| You know what it tells me? | ||
| It tells me they're not watching. | ||
| They're not friends of yours. | ||
| They're just hurting my feelings. | ||
| Same person keeps calling, man. | ||
| They don't follow you on Twitter. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's probably... | |
| It's over, folks. | ||
| With that ring comes the end. | ||
| That is the end of the show. | ||
| There's no reason to keep going. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| It's 8.30, 8.30 p.m. | ||
| It is late. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| Late as fuck. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| Son... | ||
| Mayhem Miller, you are always one of the most fascinating people to talk to. | ||
| Thanks, bro. | ||
| Always a fun guy to be around. | ||
| Mayhem, by the way, writes a really great article in Fight Magazine. | ||
| He's one of my favorite writers. | ||
| Now, I'm not bullshitting, not just as a fighter. | ||
| And I told him very early on, I'm like, dude, you've got real talent, and I really hope you write a book someday, because I think you could write some crazy Hunter S. Thompson shit. | ||
| His writing is really good. | ||
| Thanks, man. | ||
| I mean, it's excellent. | ||
| The latest one you'll appreciate, because I'm in Rio de Janeiro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, man. | |
| Alright, and you're writing about your experiences? | ||
| Because you were there for a couple weeks, right? | ||
| Yeah, so I was out there for a while, so I did everything you could do. | ||
| Tell me about that real quick before we take off. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Because what is Rio like, man? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Man. | |
| Is it scary? | ||
| Is it scary? | ||
| Read the article. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's awesome. | |
| I'm trying to read the article. | ||
| Give us a little taste. | ||
| I see the article. | ||
| I'm here right now. | ||
| Give me a little bit of a taste. | ||
| That's like a whole new... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| It was like the next level... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I always had my... | ||
| Preconceived notions about Brazil due to movies and due to whatever the hell's going on. | ||
| My friends, my Brazilian friends, the fighters, what they tell me about it. | ||
| I have a new found respect for that city and I understand my Brazilian friends a little bit more now. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So the article really... | ||
| I can just see why they think that everything... | ||
| They have such passion for their country because... | ||
| Everybody there has a lot of passion. | ||
| It's like that. | ||
| It's a passionate place. | ||
| People love to do stuff. | ||
| People are good at things. | ||
| They really love it. | ||
| The stuff that's dirty is supposed to be dirty. | ||
| It's kind of dirty, of course, but it's supposed to be dirty. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| You say dirty... | ||
| But in a bad way, that sounds bad, but it's like the streets are dirty. | ||
| Everybody drives with a vengeance. | ||
| Right. | ||
| They drive crazy. | ||
| Yeah, they drive crazy, but it seems skillful. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I saw less car wrecks there than I ever saw here in L.A. Well, it's all with That's what you get used to. | |
| You get used to that sort of hyper-driving. | ||
| Yeah, everybody's used to it. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Everybody just drives through. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know, man. | |
| There's so much stuff. | ||
| Fight Magazine. | ||
| We'll have it, man, for December. | ||
| You've got to check out the article. | ||
| Did you see anything crazy while you were there? | ||
| Any violence? | ||
| Anything nutty? | ||
| Anything that made you feel unsafe? | ||
| No, we went to the favelas. | ||
| We went to a couple times to, like, the ghetto. | ||
| Like, yeah, we went to the favelas. | ||
| And, you know, I write about that in this article, too, man, about going there and people are, like, collecting rainwater and these drums, you know, to drink. | ||
| Yeah, to drink. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're poor. | |
| And they have, like, they're tapping into the telephone poles to get electricity. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah, and the streets are all jagged, and people own that area. | ||
| The drug dealers own the favelas and stuff, but they have the boppies coming in, which are the Brazilian kick-ass police force. | ||
| The police station is right there in the middle of the thing, and everyone's running out. | ||
| It feels like a military presence instead of an army, the ones that have taken over and been nice again. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Yeah, it's crazy. | ||
| There's a big article, I think it was on CNN this morning about that, but there's tanks moving back in. | ||
| Yeah, right now it's like a little bit of like... | ||
| Marcel Alonso, this journalist that I was out there with, he kind of told me that it's dying down right now, but there's like a lot of guys, the drug dealers doing crazy terrorist stuff right now in Rio. | ||
| It sucks that... | ||
| That's happening right now. | ||
| I was in Sao Paulo in 2003 and a friend of mine went back in 2008, I believe it was, and he was arrested. | ||
| There was so much violence between the police and the drug dealers that they were closing down streets and highways. | ||
| And they were driving to a Chuhascarilla with some business clients, and everybody was pulled out of the car at gunpoint. | ||
| They had fucking, you know, they wanted to make sure they weren't, they were in a nice car, and they didn't know who these people were, and they wanted to make sure they weren't drug dealers. | ||
| So they were just pulling people out and sticking guns in their faces. | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| They said it was pretty fucking scary, because they were killing police officers' families. | ||
| They would go to their family and just kill everyone. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They were doing it for a while, man. | ||
| They were declaring war. | ||
| On the police officers. | ||
| It was pretty, it was pretty loked out. | ||
| No way! | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Brazil, you know, and the crazy thing about Brazil is, you know, Brazil's a beautiful, insane, like, tropical jungle country. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And the favelas, where all, like, the chaos has taken place, is above the regular city. | ||
| I know, yeah. | ||
| Rio, which is, like, the main city, is in the bottom. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then, where the beautiful view is, Yeah. | ||
| That's all the projects. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, of course. | |
| They have the richest, most beautiful view in the world. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| And they're living in cardboard houses and shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, they put that stuff together on their own. | ||
| It's like crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But, you know, I mean, I can understand why people love the country. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I can understand why. | ||
| It's definitely a passion-filled country, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what I mean. | ||
| Yeah, it's great, man. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I had a great experience out there. | ||
| Their economy is booming right now, too. | ||
| They have so much going on right now, and they also found oil off the coast of Brazil, so there's a lot of money in Brazil right now. | ||
| Their economy's not fucked up like ours is. | ||
| It's moving in a better direction. | ||
| They're talking about doing a UFC there eventually. | ||
| That would be fascinating. | ||
| But, you know, you talk to, like, Vinny Magalese. | ||
| Yeah, Vinny. | ||
| Yeah, baby Vinny. | ||
| Yeah, sure. | ||
| He was talking about, on the underground, he was talking about doing a UFC in Rio. | ||
| And he posted, I think it was him, who posted some link of some, no, somebody else posted a link of the Formula One drivers. | ||
| Formula One drivers were in Sao Paulo, and they got fucking shot at in their armored car. | ||
| Someone was trying to carjack them. | ||
| They were in armored cars. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Man. | |
| They're trying to kidnap them. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Kidnap them or just rob them. | ||
| Rob them at gunpoint. | ||
| Hoping they can get some watches or something. | ||
| Ooh, crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| A buddy of mine was there, and he was with a friend of his that was doing something, and he had a pocket full of money in his lap. | ||
| And he was looking through it and trying to fish through it. | ||
| And as he was doing this, a guy came up in a motorcycle, looked at his money, pulled out a gun, tapped on the windshield, told the guy to pull over, and they just robbed him. | ||
| They robbed everybody. | ||
| Just stuck a gun in their face and just took everybody. | ||
| And he said the guy would just drive around looking in people's cars to see if they had nice watches or what they had that looked cool and they would just steal it. | ||
| Man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You might be in the wrong place at the wrong time, son. | ||
| That's me, bro. | ||
| The voice of doom. | ||
| Dude, you are. | ||
| You're the most bumming me out guy on earth right now. | ||
| Joe Rogan is scared of the world. | ||
| It's not. | ||
| I'm just aware. | ||
| I'm not scared. | ||
| Yeah, just pay attention. | ||
| Don't get jacked. | ||
| But, you know, as a person who's constantly thinking about shit, I always have to be aware of all the variables. | ||
| You think way too much, bro. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| I think you think a lot. | ||
| You think so too? | ||
| I think you think deep into some things you don't need to think that deep into. | ||
| Can't help it though. | ||
| It's probably a sickness. | ||
| It's a sickness that manifests itself as an excellent career. | ||
| You know? | ||
| The sickness of constantly thinking about shit and breaking things down to the finest minutia. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Isn't that OCD though or something like that? | ||
| Something probably like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's awesome. | |
| Makes sense. | ||
| The hard thing with me is just finding the right things to break down. | ||
| Things that are productive to tune my energy to. | ||
| Because you can easily get lost. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| Masturbation or online arguments or video games. | ||
| You can get lost in a bunch of unhealthy channels. | ||
| Hopefully you got some good stuff, though, that you OCD about, like butthole tidiness and trimming and stuff like that. | ||
| The show was going to end. | ||
| It was going to be fine. | ||
| Right there. | ||
| And you had to come in, Brian. | ||
| No, man. | ||
| He wants to talk about your butthole. | ||
| He's all about buttholes. | ||
| I told you, bro. | ||
| One million. | ||
| One million. | ||
|
unidentified
|
One million dollars. | |
| And no less. | ||
| And I don't need that million bucks. | ||
| I'll tell you that right now. | ||
| I would like it. | ||
| I'd like it. | ||
| But if I don't get it, I'll be okay. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| Jason Mayhem Miller. | ||
| That was a good time. | ||
| Yeah, it was always a good time with you, my friend. | ||
| Mayhem Miller at Twitter. | ||
| I'm so hungry right now. | ||
| Twitter.com. | ||
| Okay, cool. | ||
| I've got another coconut juice for you, fella. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| Brian's Twitter is Redband. | ||
| We want to thank The Fleshlight for sponsoring the podcast. | ||
| And again, if you would like to feel what it feels like to masturbate into one of those fine, sweet bitches, all you have to do is go to JoeRogan.net and click that fleshlight link and you get 15% off when you put in the code name. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Rogan. | ||
| Rogan. | ||
| Very simple. | ||
| The tickets for the New Year's Eve show at Mandalay Bay will go up very shortly. | ||
| We should have all that done within a couple of days. | ||
| And as soon as I get it done, I'll let you guys know. | ||
| And we might be doing one more podcast this week. | ||
| We're going to try to get Ralphie May in here on Wednesday. | ||
| Oh, I just hung out with Ralphie May. | ||
| He's awesome. | ||
| If Ralphie's got the time off, we've got to talk to him later. | ||
| All right, bitches. | ||
| I love you. | ||
| And I'll see you soon, somewhere. | ||
| Maybe not even see you, but I'll be there. | ||
| And you'll be there, too. | ||
| And let's pretend we're all in the same place. | ||
| What? | ||
| Is this Ice-T? Is this Ice-T saying suck my dick? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Yeah, it is. | ||
| Sounds like it. | ||
| This sounds like a black guy, but not too black. | ||
| Yeah, he's not like Africa black. | ||
| You know, he's not like Czech-Congo black. | ||
| Light-skinned. | ||
| He's light-skinned. | ||
| Yeah, he's light-skinned. | ||
| He might even rock an afro just to try to accentuate his more African side. | ||
| Yeah, but he has braids in the summer. | ||
| Yeah, because if he had a shaved head, you might think he was an Arab or something, right? | ||
| Yeah, maybe. | ||
| Light-skinned. | ||
| Probably light-skinned. | ||
| High yellow. | ||
| Maybe he even got a little bit of, like, white features, which is why he's got such an extra-aggressive attitude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He's trying to, like, prop himself up. | ||
| Let you know. | ||
| You know? | ||
| You're racist. | ||
| Hear him, hear him. | ||
| That's not racist, bro. | ||
| This is observant. | ||
| See, I break it all down. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Alright folks, most likely we'll be back on Wednesday. | ||
| I'm doing the Tom Green thing tomorrow. | ||
| I don't have any details. | ||
| That's Tom Green's thing. | ||
| You can follow him on Twitter. | ||
| I think it's TomGreenLive. | ||
| That's it, bitches. | ||
| I love you. | ||
| And I'll see you next week. | ||
| Or sometime soon. |
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