June 16, 2010 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:18:02
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| There it goes. | ||
| Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another Ustream broadcast. | ||
| Who's that? | ||
| Me? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Me! | |
| It's you, motherfucker! | ||
| Gotcha! | ||
| We only did one week where we didn't fuck anything up, and that was yesterday. | ||
| Yesterday we completely had it together. | ||
| Joining me this week is my good pal, the very funny Mr. Bill Burr. | ||
| Bill Burr, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| What's up, Joseph? | ||
| You might know Bill from all sorts of television, stand-up comedy things, The Chappelle Show, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. | ||
| One of the funniest guys out there. | ||
| I love the 80's Strikes Back. | ||
| Don't forget that. | ||
| That's on the IMDB page. | ||
| I also have a failed pilot, for some reason, on my IMDB page. | ||
| It didn't even air, and somebody still put it up there. | ||
| Before we even start talking about anything, we're sponsored by the Fleshlight. | ||
| This is a Fleshlight. | ||
| Have you ever seen one of these, Bill Burr? | ||
| A flesh-colored flashlight? | ||
| No, this is a thing you've... | ||
| You don't know what it is. | ||
| You fuck it. | ||
| That's the butthole version. | ||
| It's patent and rubber technology. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Put your finger in it. | ||
| Those toys freak me out. | ||
| You jerk off though, right? | ||
| I assume, right? | ||
| Constantly. | ||
| I had a good one on the way up to your house. | ||
| I'm all about rubbing one out. | ||
| This is a fucking tool to masturbate with. | ||
| Instead of your hand, it's a fake vagina. | ||
| Yeah, I'm not saying that you shouldn't... | ||
| I'm not against it, but it's just odd you handing it to me the first minute of your podcast. | ||
| Well, I'm just trying to see how you react. | ||
| I hope you got a good... | ||
| I got a good gauge. | ||
| I'm into porn. | ||
| I like the videos and that type of thing. | ||
| But I gotta admit, those sex toys, it's very serial killer-like where you're just sort of fucking a part of somebody. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| There's nothing else there. | ||
| Yeah, I know what you mean. | ||
| You know, like you went to the butcher and you're like, yeah, just give me a slice of crotch. | ||
| Yeah, this doesn't, it doesn't have to look like a pussy. | ||
| It looks exactly like a pussy. | ||
| The pussy one does. | ||
| It really doesn't have to. | ||
| It just has to be a hole. | ||
| Maybe you'd feel better if it was just a hole. | ||
| That doesn't look like a butthole. | ||
| That doesn't look like a butthole. | ||
| Hold it up to the camera. | ||
| That doesn't look like a butthole. | ||
| I think it needs a little work. | ||
| What, an eight-year-old's ass? | ||
| Look how little that is. | ||
| It's been bleached. | ||
| It's a girl with a butthole that's got a problem because that sucker's not airtight. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| There's a little hole in there. | ||
| It's gaping. | ||
|
unidentified
|
See that? | |
| That's not good. | ||
| Yeah, after you ruined it last night, trying it out. | ||
| I have never fucked this. | ||
| That's why I hand it to people. | ||
| I've fucked the vagina one. | ||
| I have never fucked the bottle one. | ||
| That's the name of your next CD. I have never fucked this. | ||
| You just hold something up. | ||
| That'll get into Walmart. | ||
|
unidentified
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I know, right? | |
| They're the only ones left. | ||
| Fleshlight.com. | ||
| If you want to sell something, yeah, go to fleshlight.com and buy it. | ||
| But, you know, we were disturbed because we went to the website. | ||
| We could not find a black one. | ||
| They have only pink fake vaginas. | ||
| Now, you know what? | ||
| You could go both ways on that one. | ||
| That is either racist or white people can get offended. | ||
| Like, how come you're slicing up white women and turning them into little plastic pillowy things for people to fuck, you know? | ||
| They should have like a swirl, like a jet pop, you know, like those old pudding pops where it's like vanilla and chocolate. | ||
| That's not bad. | ||
| The zebra one? | ||
| Yeah, why fucking pretend it's a person? | ||
| Why not a little mouth one, too? | ||
| And you have that other one, so you can finally have like a fake menage a trois. | ||
| Just have a fake mouth licking your balls as you fuck. | ||
| Whatever that is. | ||
| The flesh flashlight. | ||
| Whatever you call it. | ||
| Isn't it kind of creepier that it actually does look like a vagina? | ||
| Like if it was green or something like that, maybe it'd be easier to fuck. | ||
| You wouldn't have to think about it being a serial killer sort of a thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Joe, that really doesn't look like anything. | ||
| It doesn't. | ||
| It doesn't, but the vagina one does. | ||
| Like if a fourth grader made that, you'd just as a good father be like, oh yeah, yeah, I can see that. | ||
| It totally does. | ||
| You have a lot of talent. | ||
| You encourage them. | ||
| We were saying yesterday that it's funny that they sell the butthole version and the vagina version, and what if the butthole version just so outshowed the vagina version they just canceled making them because nobody wanted to fuck the rubber vagina. | ||
| Like left-handed guitars. | ||
| They're like 10% extra for the vagina. | ||
| Joe, next time you fuck it, try taking it out like fish in the bucket and fucking it out of the plastic thing. | ||
| Grabbing it with your hand? | ||
| Yeah, like your hand. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It's so much better. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Brian has a tip. | ||
| He's like the Martha Stewart of fake vaginas. | ||
| A healthy tip. | ||
| Do you review sex toys? | ||
| No, I don't review sex toys, only technology shit. | ||
| But I should. | ||
| I should review sex toys. | ||
|
unidentified
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Why not, dude? | |
| You should totally do a full you fuck it version of a review when you fuck the fleshlight. | ||
| I should. | ||
| Take the food blog to the next level. | ||
| And show us you fucking it. | ||
| We don't have to see your dick or anything, but we should know that you really are fucking it. | ||
| Like, you're naked. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Take a picture right after you're done, and we'll try to gauge the level of satisfaction. | ||
| Just film my face the whole time using it, but that's it. | ||
| Is there a fucking thing on this earth that's more disgusting than another dude's loads? | ||
| If you think about it, if you had a choice between a guy pissing on you or shooting a load on you... | ||
| It's a no-brainer. | ||
| You know it's longer. | ||
|
unidentified
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The load would get over... | |
| And you have a washcloth right there and a stand-up shower. | ||
| Like... | ||
| So it's over really quickly. | ||
| Wow, that might be better. | ||
| Maybe it was just a pool. | ||
| A load might be better? | ||
| Well, he's right. | ||
| It's quicker. | ||
| It's just like, get it done, wipe it off. | ||
| You're not sitting there for two minutes getting pissed on. | ||
| I see what you're saying. | ||
| Maybe you get a laugh at the guy's face as he's like... | ||
| I see what you're saying, but to me, it's a dude just shot a load on me, and I can't deal with it. | ||
| I can deal with a dude pissing on me. | ||
| That's an act of aggression. | ||
| A guy shooting a load on me is like, that guy basically just fucked me. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| It's just snot from below. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, but it's not. | ||
| Maybe it was just an accident. | ||
| It's a mark. | ||
| He's marking me. | ||
| It's an accident. | ||
| You've got to stop being so judgmental. | ||
| But peeing is how you usually mark it. | ||
| Animals usually use pee to mark. | ||
| That's okay. | ||
| Like I said, that's an act of aggression. | ||
| An act of aggression, like urinating on me, would not offend me nearly as much as dropping a load on me. | ||
| That's just me, though. | ||
| Bill, do you agree with that? | ||
| Those are honestly things that I don't really think of. | ||
| What if it was a long beer pistol, you know? | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| Asparagus piss. | ||
| Yeah, four hours, sitting in Yankee Stadium, drinking beer in the hot sun. | ||
| Are you a sports fan? | ||
| You're not a sports fan at all, right? | ||
| The only sport I watch besides mixed martial arts and boxing is pool. | ||
| I watch professional pool, which is completely ridiculous. | ||
| Actually, I'm watching the NBA Finals. | ||
| And I have to have the game on mute because I'm convinced the announcers hate my team. | ||
| And it just gets insane. | ||
| Dude, people get so fucking mad if they feel like someone's doing biased commentary. | ||
| I get so much shit. | ||
| from dudes who are angry at me because I call the fight as I see it. | ||
| I try to be as objective as possible and have like, no one's my favorite. | ||
| I don't want anybody in particular to win. | ||
| I just want it to happen. | ||
| I have a bunch of guys that I love watching when they fight because they're good. | ||
| But I try to never root for somebody. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| So I do my best to stay objective. | ||
| But I call it like I fucking see it. | ||
| Some dudes get crazy. | ||
| Just because they're so emotionally invested. | ||
| Like me with the Celtics. | ||
| I want them to win. | ||
| I got invited to, hey, come on down and watch Game 7. It's like, I can't. | ||
| I can't fucking deal with all these. | ||
| I'm going to sit there by myself and I have to watch it on mute. | ||
| I can't be around a bunch of other people. | ||
| Because there's going to be people there who don't give a fuck. | ||
| Or they're going to be rooting for another team. | ||
| And I will literally have rage. | ||
| No, I've really been examining it. | ||
| It's so silly. | ||
| It is. | ||
| Somebody told me that I think Jay Leno said he wasn't into sports and he was just like, why do I care if the peanuts beat the kangaroos? | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| And it just really sort of was like, yeah, why do I give a shit? | ||
| It's a trick. | ||
| People think that the NBA finals are rigged. | ||
| Like that Kardashian's going on TMZ saying the whole thing's rigged. | ||
| Who is going on? | ||
| Kim Kardashian? | ||
| Robert Kardashian. | ||
| I think it's the brother of Kim. | ||
| And he's like going on saying like, you know, the whole thing. | ||
| That's an incredible source, that family. | ||
| Well, I mean, one of the guys is... | ||
| Are they going to re-examine the Warren Commission next? | ||
| Take another peek at the Zapruder film? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Come on, really? | ||
| I heard the Kardashians are looking into the moon landing. | ||
| Isn't somebody in the Kardashians married to an NBA player, though? | ||
| There were, yeah. | ||
| That is true. | ||
| And the NBA also had a ref that got busted with mob ties. | ||
| And I loved how they acted like he was the only one. | ||
| Oh, yeah, it was just him. | ||
| Like, you wouldn't notice that if you were refereeing with him? | ||
| Is he teeing everybody up? | ||
| You know, like, if he bet the under and everybody's, like, fouling out. | ||
| I mean, I know that's an exaggeration. | ||
| It's one of the easiest games to fix. | ||
| You know, they had a problem with that with professional pool. | ||
| With professional pool, the only one time... | ||
| That a sports book ever put a line on the event. | ||
| I forget what casino it was at, but it was in Vegas, and it was a big tournament. | ||
| These guys are grinding. | ||
| They're out there. | ||
| Professional pool players don't make much money, even the best in the world. | ||
| So there was an underdog, this guy Mike LeBron. | ||
| He hadn't won a big tournament like that in a long time. | ||
| So they all got together and said, Hey, Mike, guess what? | ||
| You won the tournament. | ||
| We're going to fucking bet on you. | ||
| And they all threw in, and everybody dumped. | ||
| And they all dumped. | ||
| Mike LeBron won. | ||
| They cleaned up, and the bookies never put a line on pool again. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And they obviously figured it out? | ||
| Oh, fucking everybody knew. | ||
| They're driving balls into the rail. | ||
| They're fucking supposed to get out ball in hand. | ||
| They don't get out. | ||
| They scratch. | ||
| There was a bunch of shots where dudes were like, what the fuck is this? | ||
| They were obviously bad. | ||
| Well, you know, they do their best, but these guys, high-level pros, don't miss very often, you know? | ||
| So they can fuck up and take a bad path on purpose, and a path that gives them a high percentage of getting stuck behind balls or something like that. | ||
| So they make errors on purpose. | ||
| And you look at it, and you're like, why the fuck would that guy play that like that? | ||
| Like, this guy's top of the food chain world champion. | ||
| A snooker player got busted recently for taking a 300,000 euro bribe. | ||
| He was taking a bribe to dump a bunch of matches. | ||
| And this guy is like one of the very best in the world. | ||
| He's like a top line. | ||
| And snooker players make big bank. | ||
| But apparently, it's a common thing. | ||
| What was his vice? | ||
| Money. | ||
| That he took it. | ||
| He just wanted money. | ||
| He said that they've done it before. | ||
| And, you know, they got this guy on Hidden Camera and shit. | ||
| It was pretty devastating for the whole Snooker community because he's like one of their starbs. | ||
| What, all eight people who are in the Snooker community? | ||
| The fucking Snooker's huge over there, bro. | ||
| You don't understand. | ||
|
unidentified
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In England, it's giant. | |
| I don't know what Snooker is. | ||
| Snooker's this crazy game. | ||
| It's like pool, but it's played on a giant table, a 12 by 6. And the pockets are really small, and the balls are really small, and they're colored. | ||
| And I don't know the exact rules. | ||
| Is there mushrooms on the table? | ||
| Is that from the 70s? | ||
| Remember that bumper pool or something? | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| I do remember bumper pool. | ||
| That shit was ridiculous. | ||
|
unidentified
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You got it. | |
| Yeah, they had like little mushroom trees or something in the middle. | ||
| Little rubber ones to bounce it off. | ||
| That's because you didn't have space for a real table. | ||
| So you'd get one of these goofy fucking things. | ||
| It was only two feet wide. | ||
| And you had to make it more difficult. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Yeah, that was the 70s, everybody. | ||
| Put some sort of reference to drugs right on the table. | ||
| Pool has always had a problem with people gambling and dumping money. | ||
| It's a common thing amongst guys who bet. | ||
| Guys will back pool players, and the pool players will dump and cut up the money because they know this way they're going to win. | ||
| That whole world, the world of gambling, when you get gambling involved with anything, and there's a lot of gambling on pro basketball, I would just assume it's rigged. | ||
| Wouldn't you? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, I would think... | ||
| Well, I think the players make too much money... | ||
| So it's very hard like that. | ||
| And the way to definitely do it is some sort of authority figure on the court. | ||
| Like, you know, referee and umpire or something like that. | ||
| Giving bad calls. | ||
| I went to the game when Kevin Garnett hurt his knee against Utah, which I'm sure you still have on videotape. | ||
| I don't even know what you're talking about. | ||
| He's such a huge hoop fan. | ||
| I don't even know those humans. | ||
| The referees were literally dictating the pace of the game. | ||
| And it made like... | ||
| I'm trying to equate it to what you do. | ||
| Be like if a guy had no stand-up and all of a sudden he was great at stand-up and then five seconds later again, oh yeah, he doesn't have any stand-up. | ||
| It's not consistent. | ||
| They were calling everything, everything, everything, and then you could just see them loosen up the reins. | ||
| Then a guy would literally take a dude's head off and they'd just say, hey, no blood, no foul. | ||
| And then all of a sudden it was like, did these guys bet a specific number? | ||
| I don't know what it was, but it was one of the weirdest called games. | ||
| Guys have been busted for that though, right? | ||
| Referees have been busted for doing things that... | ||
| Well, they had that referee and I'm sure if other ones got busted, maybe they kept it quiet. | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| As usual, I have like one story and then that becomes law. | ||
| I just spread it out over every sport and start pontificating. | ||
| Bill Burr is one of the more interesting conspiracy theorists that I know because Bill Burr, you'll start talking to him about it and then five minutes in he'll admit that he doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about. | ||
| He saw a YouTube video. | ||
|
unidentified
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What's up with his GPS? I'm one of the few people. | |
| He doesn't use GPS. I called him to give him directions. | ||
| I go, you got a GPS? Thinking I'm just going to give him my address. | ||
| Nah, I got a Thomas Guide. | ||
|
unidentified
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We've got a fucking Thomas guy, like a goddamn pioneer. | |
| You have a pencil and an eraser, and you're putting compass directions on. | ||
| First of all, you guys are acting like I'm churning butter. | ||
| You guys both had one five years ago, didn't you? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Did I get here all the time? | ||
| Yes, you were. | ||
| I was early on with the GPS. I had the first GPS. It was a CD-based GPS. It was a CD-ROM base, so I only had a map of Los Angeles. | ||
| I've never even used those books. | ||
| I think I've just always used MapQuest and stuff. | ||
| Maybe before that, my mom would write down the directions on a napkin. | ||
| When I first moved here, I used it. | ||
| I had it written down on an envelope. | ||
| How'd I get here? | ||
| There was no problems. | ||
| It was very easy. | ||
| When I first moved to LA, I had a Tom's gun. | ||
| But I haven't had one in a long time. | ||
| For LA, that just seems impossible. | ||
| It is impossible. | ||
| There's so many pages. | ||
| Yeah, you don't want to think. | ||
| Don't use your brain. | ||
| Let the computer do it. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Type in the zip code. | ||
| Let a British woman tell me what to do. | ||
| So what is your deal with GPS? You think the GPS is possibly dangerous? | ||
| I think it's a waste of money. | ||
| Then also, one of my many non-researched opinions is I just don't like the fact that there's some sort of, I don't know, they beam a signal up to a satellite, it burns back down through the atmosphere and into my fucking car, and there's somebody talking to me. | ||
| Actually, I think it doesn't beam anything out. | ||
| I think it just is like a receiver. | ||
| It's always beaming at you, and it picks up what it's being beamed at you all the time. | ||
| It's always being beamed at me. | ||
| Yeah, I don't want that. | ||
| I don't want stuff always beamed at me. | ||
| You're getting it no matter what. | ||
| Yeah, you're getting it right now. | ||
| You're getting it right now? | ||
| How do you think I'm getting it right now? | ||
| If you receive it, there's a beam coming at you. | ||
| If there's something to receive it, like a box, like some sort of a GPS box, all that's doing is receiving something that's already there. | ||
| If your brain is going to be affected by it, it's getting affected by what's already there. | ||
| No matter if you have a box or not. | ||
| I have lead on the inside of my thing. | ||
| I'm going to die earlier because you guys don't want to fucking use a Thomas guide. | ||
| Why would you think the GPS would be dangerous, though? | ||
| It's like the radio being dangerous. | ||
| Or there's Wi-Fi. | ||
| We're doing this. | ||
| We're broadcasting this show to you. | ||
| That plastic bottle you're drinking out is more dangerous. | ||
| It is if you leave it in your car. | ||
| See that classic barroom point right there. | ||
| That plastic bottle is more dangerous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| You just got done doing research on that, didn't you? | ||
| You have no idea. | ||
| Yeah, it is. | ||
| Because actually, like he said, if you keep it in your car... | ||
|
unidentified
|
These things sit in warehouses for years. | |
| Yeah, being heated up in a warehouse maybe. | ||
| Hopefully not. | ||
| Hopefully not. | ||
| But they say that if you leave one in your car and it gets really hot out, it actually releases chemicals that, especially for men, are not good for you. | ||
| Like female chemicals. | ||
| Even if it's just in here, just the fact that it's in a plastic container. | ||
| The chemicals are in the plastic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
See? | |
| Well, now you're on my page. | ||
| See? | ||
| I like how you're concerned about this. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| You're not concerned about anything. | ||
| Dude, you're going to fucking die anyway. | ||
| It always ends up going to that. | ||
| By the way, he just quit cigarettes like a month ago. | ||
| Oh, there you go. | ||
| That's like a buddy of mine. | ||
| I had a buddy of mine who was giving me shit. | ||
| I was about ready to head out. | ||
| A friend of mine was... | ||
| Oh, it's a long story. | ||
| I don't name names what the fuck I was doing. | ||
| I was doing something we were going to go celebrate. | ||
| We were going to go get shit-faced. | ||
| So this guy is married and he has a kid. | ||
| And he used to be a fuck-up. | ||
| So I'm not married. | ||
| I don't have any kids. | ||
| And he sends me a text. | ||
| He's like, you know, dude, it's pretty funny. | ||
| You know how things turned out. | ||
| He's like, I'm married and I have a kid now and responsibility and you're still out partying. | ||
| And it's just like, it's just one of those things, the fucking people, just because you have a kid, they think that automatically makes you responsible. | ||
| You're still a fuck up. | ||
| You're just passing it on now. | ||
| Well, what's really funny is the nobility that they attach to it. | ||
| And this is coming from someone who has two children. | ||
| But I used to get so annoyed when I would talk to people who had kids and they would compare their life to my life. | ||
| They'd be like, well, look at you. | ||
| You're just a single guy, just running around being a single guy. | ||
| What? | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Do we have to make people? | ||
| Is there a shortage of fucking human beings? | ||
| There's six billion of us, alright? | ||
| There's plenty of people. | ||
| You're not more noble because you're raising a person. | ||
| I commend you for it. | ||
| I hope you enjoy it. | ||
| I hope you really commit to it and you raise a good person. | ||
| It doesn't turn out to be a fucking psycho, but it doesn't make you a more noble person because you have a child. | ||
| Some of them think that. | ||
| They're more moral. | ||
| They're more just. | ||
| They're doing the right thing. | ||
| They're not being silly with their life. | ||
| It's so stupid. | ||
| But this guy really wanted to go out and get wasted. | ||
| And he was jealous that I can continue to live my sad, lonely life. | ||
| They stick it in your face. | ||
| It's funny. | ||
| As a single person. | ||
| But he's a good shit though because I called him up the next day. | ||
| I'm like, dude, you fucking failed a drug test like six months ago and you took a header off your front steps walking your dog down the street and you had a red mark looking like fucking Jimmy Snooker when I came to met you, right? | ||
| And you're giving me shit? | ||
| Jimmy Snooker! | ||
| He comes with a Jimmy Snooker reference. | ||
| The superfly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Remember that? | |
| He would get on the top rope. | ||
| Yeah, and all that scar tissue up there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love you. | |
| He did have that scar tissue. | ||
| That's what the old school guys would cut their own forehead to bleed. | ||
| You know, he's related to The Rock. | ||
| Is he really? | ||
| The Rock is somehow related to Superfly Snook. | ||
| I think that was his uncle. | ||
| Somebody name me a cooler uncle. | ||
| Jimmy Superfly Snooker, that's it. | ||
| Yeah, especially if you turn out to be a wrestler yourself. | ||
| Jimmy Superfly Snooker was my favorite when I was in high school. | ||
| He was my number one. | ||
| Bob Backlund was pretty good because he had a real wrestling stance. | ||
| I appreciated that. | ||
| He went in there and looked like he really knew how to wrestle. | ||
| He would arm drag dudes and shit. | ||
| I heard he didn't like a lot of the characters. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| It's almost like a joke writer hating a performer. | ||
| You know, he's in there doing like the... | ||
| Well, he was a real wrestler. | ||
| You know, it really sucks about wrestlers. | ||
| Wrestling is one of the toughest sports in the world, but there's no professional avenue for it. | ||
| They tried it. | ||
| They tried a professional wrestling league a few years back, but nobody wanted to watch it. | ||
| It just hasn't caught on. | ||
| When things haven't caught on, it's very hard to get them to catch on, unless it's something fucking crazy like mixed martial arts. | ||
| Mixed martial arts is so crazy and so primal. | ||
| The ones that started getting on TV, everybody's like, whoa, holy shit. | ||
| You know, it just gets everybody in. | ||
| You're not going to get that from wrestling. | ||
| But wrestling is easily more exciting than a lot of sports that are already on TV, including, you know, soccer. | ||
| Soccer's not as exciting as wrestling to me. | ||
| I would way rather watch, like, really good wrestling. | ||
| I can defend soccer. | ||
| I don't mind, dude. | ||
| Not American. | ||
| American soccer's, like, if L.A. plays, like, D.C. Right. | ||
| The Columbus Crew. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, that's horrible. | |
| It's horrible, but... | ||
| International-level soccer is pretty badass. | ||
| Yeah, because now you're dealing with, like, the shit-talking goes to a whole nother level. | ||
| You're talking, there's wars, won and lost between the two teams. | ||
| There's Holocaust, genocide. | ||
| Yeah, that's true. | ||
| Different fundamental, and they're singing songs. | ||
| You know, they're going nuts. | ||
| They got their Elton John scarves on. | ||
| Do you hear what's going on in Africa? | ||
| I forget what country it is in Africa, but two people have been killed and a bunch have been arrested for watching the World Cup. | ||
| Because it's like a super extreme Muslim village that has a very extreme interpretation of the Koran. | ||
| And apparently the Koran does not allow gambling, does not allow any sort of games, and does not allow dancing. | ||
| And any of those things they'll lock you up for. | ||
| So this is considered a game. | ||
| No happiness. | ||
| And so the World Cup is considered a game. | ||
| So they're going door-to-door and arresting people for watching the World Cup. | ||
| Brian, Google that real quick. | ||
| Tell me what the fuck that is. | ||
| By the way, how's that coffee taste? | ||
| It's great. | ||
| It's coming out of an animal's butt. | ||
| I'm loving that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, really? | |
| This is the ass... | ||
| Butt coffee. | ||
| Ah, it's really good ass coffee. | ||
| It's good, right? | ||
| Isn't it smooth? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| There's a coffee called Kopi Luwak, and it comes from the butthole of a thing called a palm civet. | ||
| There's this animal that eats coffee beans and shits them out. | ||
| And they go through his digestive tract, and they pull these little beans out of his shit, clean them up, and sell them. | ||
| And they make coffee out of them, and the coffee's super smooth. | ||
| Is it an insect? | ||
| No, it's like a cat. | ||
| Like a civet. | ||
| You know what a civet is? | ||
| It's just big, fucking... | ||
| Well, not big. | ||
| It's a little... | ||
| This is bullshit. | ||
| No, no, it's true. | ||
| It's totally true. | ||
| It's gross. | ||
| It's called K-O-P-I Luwak. | ||
| L-U-W-A-K. It's not a cat. | ||
| It's a civet. | ||
| But it looks like a cat. | ||
| You know, it's got a long tail. | ||
| It's like this weird animal that eats coffee beans. | ||
| So it eats the beans, shits them out, and then... | ||
| Somehow or another, I guess they thought the beans were worth too much money to let these animals eat. | ||
| I'm like, fuck, let's not let them go to waste. | ||
| Somebody must have been desperate when they first tried it. | ||
| But now it's worth a lot of money. | ||
| I probably wouldn't have tried it unless I'm deep in this coffee. | ||
| I snuck it in on you. | ||
| But then it added a new flavor. | ||
| Yeah, it makes it more mellow. | ||
| It makes it taste better. | ||
| It really does. | ||
| It's good. | ||
| Not that good. | ||
| My favorite coffee is from Hawaii. | ||
| But I'm a coffee freak. | ||
| What, some Samoan stuck it in his armpit? | ||
| Did you find the story? | ||
| Yeah, it said Samoans are going underground to watch band soccer. | ||
| Is that what you're talking about? | ||
| There was a bunch of arrests, too, because Somalia is fucking buck wild, man. | ||
| You know that People's Coast Guard of Somalia? | ||
| Those guys that are just jacking people every day out there? | ||
| I know the Georgia Week. | ||
| I remember those guys. | ||
| Do you know what they're doing? | ||
| You know the whole thing about Somali pirates. | ||
| You know, they're high on a drug. | ||
| They take this thing called cat. | ||
| It's like a plant that they chew, like the leaves of this plant, and it's a narcotic. | ||
| It's like crystal meth. | ||
| Oh, so like the boy soldiers over there? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| What's the boy soldiers? | ||
| That's like when you're eight years old, but you're a soldier? | ||
| Oh, well, yeah. | ||
| I mean, the war over there is incredible. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, you see dudes with like hyenas on chains and they're carrying around fucking rocket launchers down the streets. | ||
| I mean, some of the, like Liberia, like some of the videos about, you ever seen the Vice Guide series online? | ||
| These guys, they go to some of the craziest fucking places in the world and you see some of the nuttiest shit. | ||
| Like, they went to the Arctic Circle with this guy who lives up there in a fucking cabin in the Arctic Circle and hunts caribou all day. | ||
| That's all he does. | ||
| He hunts and eats and hunts and eats. | ||
| That's what happens when you tap out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This guy's been there for 30 years, though. | ||
| It's really fascinating. | ||
| But anyway, they went to North Korea and they also went to Liberia. | ||
| And Liberia is fucking crazy. | ||
| First of all, there's been war in Liberia forever. | ||
| Liberia was basically founded, from what I understand, is they had American slaves that they let go. | ||
| And they sent them back to Africa and they formed Liberia. | ||
| And the UN was there until like really recently, like 10, 20 years ago or something like that. | ||
| And now they're gone and the place is just chaos. | ||
| It's just war and cannibalism is running rampant. | ||
| They're eating each other left and right. | ||
| They sell like human food on the corner, like human meat. | ||
| And people don't know it and they buy it and guys turn people in. | ||
| There's this one guy. | ||
| His name was General Butt Naked because he would go to war and he would get butt naked. | ||
| And he believed that he could not be killed because he would eat the blood and flesh of an innocent child of the enemy. | ||
| So they would go to the enemy's camp. | ||
| They would steal a child, kill the child, and eat a piece of its fucking heart because they felt like they wouldn't be able to die in combat. | ||
| This is a guy that's alive right now. | ||
| Sounds like a plan. | ||
| You don't realize how fucking crazy the world can be until you watch what's going on in Africa. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I mean, I don't know. | |
| I take a lot of comfort in knowing that I can only die once. | ||
| What do you think? | ||
| I don't think, like, you work out too much, you wouldn't be worth... | ||
| Joe would be like a flank steak. | ||
| You know, just some tough piece of meat. | ||
| You want somebody more... | ||
| Joey Diaz would be delicious. | ||
| Oh, he'd be like veal. | ||
| And he could sell them for days. | ||
| If you think about the way Africa is right now with a lot of countries like Liberia and Somalia, it really is like the apocalypse. | ||
| If that was going on right here, if that was over here, if we were in fucking... | ||
| North Hollywood, there was gangs that were eating each other and fucking shooting each other and walking down the street with hyenas. | ||
| We would go, okay, the end is here. | ||
| This is the end. | ||
| Yeah, but you know what I love about that shit? | ||
| Those are the guys who win. | ||
| All these... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who's that? | |
| Not Bill Bixby. | ||
| What the hell's the name of that guy? | ||
| The guy with the... | ||
| He's been riding a bicycle out here forever. | ||
| Solar Panels and... | ||
| Not Bill Bixby. | ||
| Ed Bagley Jr. Oh, Ed Bagley Jr. Bill Bixby! | ||
| I'm bad with the names. | ||
| Ed Bagley Jr. Yeah, there's that Green show, yeah. | ||
| That... | ||
| He's gonna be... | ||
| Apocalypse comes, he's gonna be fucked. | ||
| I have this theory that people who gather all this shit for it, if you don't have... | ||
| You need a militia. | ||
| Because if you don't, all you're doing is you're just turning your house into a supply room. | ||
| A target. | ||
| Yeah, for the toughest guys who come down the block and then just take it from you. | ||
| My car's like that. | ||
| My car has walkie-talkies in it. | ||
| It's got fucking every single... | ||
| Like sleeping bags, just in case I'd have to escape this city real quick, but it's starting to get retarded. | ||
| Like I have batteries that I can recharge by the sun and stuff like that. | ||
| Do you realize the level of heads up, how on the inside you'd have to be that this entire city wouldn't be like gridlock of people leaving? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, this city would be the worst ever. | ||
| They don't even know how many people in LA. That's why I won't fill out the census. | ||
| They're like, you know, fill out the census. | ||
| What the fuck is the point? | ||
| There's about 20 million Mexicans that you don't have a count on. | ||
| They literally have no idea how many Mexicans are here. | ||
| It's fucking just a flat-out guess. | ||
| I'm not shitting on Mexicans. | ||
| I would do the goddamn same thing. | ||
| My grandparents were immigrants. | ||
| I got no problem with immigration. | ||
| I don't even believe in countries. | ||
| I think the whole thing is ridiculous. | ||
| I mean, I think if they came over here, yeah, I would fuck things up. | ||
| But you know what? | ||
| Really, that's how it's supposed to be. | ||
| You're not supposed to keep people impoverished in a shitty place just because you claim this patch of dirt and you don't let them over here. | ||
| I think that's ridiculous. | ||
| You know, if there weren't countries and you were just allowed to just sort of cruise around, Where would you go? | ||
| That would be the problem. | ||
| Things would level out. | ||
| The problem is you let people go and move to wherever they want and people are always going to move to the place where it's better and they're going to abandon their shitty place. | ||
| But if you don't allow them, they have to stay in their shitty place and make their shitty place better, which they're never going to fucking do. | ||
| So you ensure that there's always going to be levels of people. | ||
| The only way to keep levels other than that is just fucking be heavily armed. | ||
| You have to be armed to the teeth. | ||
| Your whole town would have to be an armory, you know? | ||
| Like, literally, if you wanted to keep people out, you would have to, like, constantly be shooting people. | ||
| Plus the weapons they have now. | ||
| I just love how they've been stealing money from our paychecks to basically invent these weapons that'll make it impossible for... | ||
| There'll never be another revolution. | ||
| No. | ||
| Other than, you know who's doing it right is that guy out there in the Carolinas, the Blackwater guy, whatever. | ||
| Whatever the fuck it's called. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| The Bill Bixby guy out there. | ||
| The Bill Bixby guy. | ||
| That fucking dude, he buys like old F-16s and old tanks. | ||
| And he basically, they're saying if he wanted to, could take over the White House and all of D.C. by the time they fucking responded. | ||
| Who the fuck is this guy? | ||
| He's fucking, he's a... | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Blackwater. | ||
| So this is a private contractor? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I can't believe, Jesus Christ, I can't believe you haven't heard of the guy. | ||
| No. | ||
| Well, I know there's one guy that was... | ||
| Comedy Central has a development deal with him. | ||
| He's the final guy in show business. | ||
| If he was funny, they would do it. | ||
| Yeah, he has like, he's got like his own thing. | ||
| Did it come up? | ||
| Eric Prince? | ||
| Isn't that the guy that got popped for murder? | ||
| He's being processed for a bunch of different things. | ||
| Oh, he's the guy, he actually has his own, basically, from what I've heard, has his own militia, and actually he gets hired out by the U.S. government for them to go over there when they want to do some covert, extra filthy shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This is the conspiracy theory. | ||
| I have a friend who went over there. | ||
| Who worked for who? | ||
| He worked for Blackwater. | ||
| He went over there twice. | ||
| Dude, two seconds ago you asked me who they were. | ||
| No, I know who Blackwater is. | ||
| I didn't know who this guy is that stores all these weapons. | ||
| Oh, the head guy. | ||
| A private guy. | ||
| Well, I have a friend who was a sniper in the Marines. | ||
| And when he got out, he went back over. | ||
| I think he went to both Afghanistan and Iraq. | ||
| But he definitely went to Afghanistan. | ||
| He went twice for money. | ||
| Because he was opening up a gym, a mixed martial arts gym. | ||
| And he needed some cash. | ||
| So he just went over there for a few months and he made like some ridiculous amount of money, like something like $10,000 a month or something like that. | ||
| It was a lot of money. | ||
| So for him, they'd go over for a couple months, make 30 grand, you know? | ||
| Did he do like the stereotypical go up in the bell tower? | ||
| Yeah, he was in a bell tower. | ||
| There was times where he was in a tower. | ||
| Eric Prince is the owner of Blackwater, so I'm guessing that's who you're talking about. | ||
| That's the guy that's in trouble, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| And he's like fleeing. | ||
| He's in trouble. | ||
| He's a murderer. | ||
| They had to take him down because he got too powerful because he could basically... | ||
| That guy could write out any sort of... | ||
| Uprising. | ||
| Any sort of craziness. | ||
| The economy went crazy or whatever. | ||
| It's just like, yeah, well, I got guns and an endless bag of snow peas or whatever. | ||
| And a bunch of mercenaries that are loyal to you that you've paid forever. | ||
| You know, you've been paying these guys to do all these campaigns for you overseas. | ||
| They're all murderers for you. | ||
| And, you know, you keep those guys on the line and say, hey, you know, we're going to run this shit. | ||
| I'm going to take care of you. | ||
| You take care of me. | ||
| You know, Semper Fi, motherfucker. | ||
| Blackwater for life. | ||
| The whole deal. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And when it kind of goes down, they can defend it. | ||
| But then what always ends up happening is eventually is somebody always wants your title. | ||
| So someone would want to be him. | ||
| And that's how it goes down. | ||
| That's how it goes down in Mexico. | ||
| The drug lords. | ||
| You know, it's just a matter of time before something happens with one of those fucking guys. | ||
| You got a guy who's got that much power, that many jets and fucking machine guns and tanks and shit. | ||
| He's going to get a little nutty. | ||
| You want to use them? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's like you bought a bag of fireworks. | ||
| You're just gonna stick them in the corner of your bedroom, wait till the next 4th of July. | ||
| You're not. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Occasionally you're gonna light off an M80. They like to use them. | |
| This is the first time in human history, or rather in the history of the United States, that we've had a deal with mercenaries. | ||
| We haven't had mercenaries in this country in a long, long, long fucking time. | ||
| This whole giant mercenary corporation sort of a thing, this is very recent. | ||
| This is just Cheney and Bush. | ||
| They didn't use mercenaries during Clinton. | ||
| There was no mercenaries during the Jimmy Carter days. | ||
| This is some crazy shit. | ||
| Cheney and Bush, the Hall and Oates... | ||
| I mean, the fact that they can hire these people to go do shit that you're not supposed to do. | ||
| Shit that's not in the Geneva Convention, shit that's totally illegal. | ||
| We've been doing that for a while, though. | ||
| I know we have, but we haven't been doing it this openly, you know? | ||
| Oh, yeah, no. | ||
| They just hire a company to do it? | ||
| They have a company specifically for that? | ||
| Well, I think it's like when wrestling finally just came out and said it's sports entertainment. | ||
| They're like, all right, you know, we hire these guys for some filthy shit. | ||
| What do you want from us? | ||
| It's entertaining, though, right? | ||
| Yeah, and they changed it to WWE. They changed the name of Blackwater. | ||
| What is it now? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Something short. | ||
| Something happier. | ||
| Yeah, Bunny Rabbits Incorporated. | ||
| Clear water. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fresh drinking water for everybody. | |
| Babies are us. | ||
| Arrowhead. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| We love the children. | ||
| That's what they changed it to. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| There's two schools of thought. | ||
| One is the world's a fucked up place. | ||
| Look at what's going on in Africa. | ||
| Look at what's going on in the Middle East. | ||
| Don't you want somebody over there protecting you? | ||
| They're just trying to keep America cool, keep our standard of life, keep our standard of living the same. | ||
| I see that argument, too. | ||
| But then, you know, you see also the other argument. | ||
| See, I don't believe in that whole that those guys have to live the way they live so I live the way I live. | ||
| So those guys on top can have as much as they have. | ||
| Well, that's definitely much more likely. | ||
| You know what was pissing me off the other day? | ||
| But I think they also do keep... | ||
| It's a two-fold argument. | ||
| One, it's like they keep conflict going on, and the more conflict they keep going on, the more we're going to need government, the more we're going to need protection. | ||
| I mean, that's been proven that they create conflict in other parts of the world in order to control different regions. | ||
| They'll arm someone if their enemy is, you know, the other side, and they'll fuck with things. | ||
| We've manipulated... | ||
| Yeah, but all that bullshit where they justify, like, sweatshop labor and moving factories out of the U.S., And, you know, they just went around the unions and then they just justified it by saying, you know, they always say, in order to compete in a global economy, it's like, fuck you. | ||
| It's like, in order for you to get another yacht. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| You can't legally pay a child, you know, whatever the fuck they pay over there. | ||
| In America. | ||
| Yeah, you can't do it. | ||
| So they just went around all of that shit, and then they stuck all of... | ||
| Everybody's in cubicles now. | ||
| Dude, that's what scares me when I go on the road. | ||
| But that gets to who is they. | ||
| See, because we were just talking about the military before. | ||
| We were talking about the military. | ||
| Now we're talking about corporations. | ||
| Now I'm talking about corporations. | ||
| I'm talking about big business where I think corporations are at the end. | ||
| Every quarter they have to show a profit. | ||
| They're at the end of legal ways to do it. | ||
| So now they're just straight up beginning to steal. | ||
| Like my fucking bank that's taking 28 bucks a month out of my account for no reason. | ||
| I didn't even notice, you know, on the road, one of those fucking accounts, you just, you know, have a couple on a button. | ||
| I finally said, dude, why are you taking 28 bucks out of this? | ||
| And they did a on the laptop. | ||
| Oh, yeah, we shouldn't be doing that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I go, all right, well, I've had this for five years. | |
| Let's go back. | ||
| They go, unfortunately, sir, our records only go back four months. | ||
| Oh, isn't that convenient? | ||
| I bet if I was getting 28 bucks from you, you know, the other way, I bet they would fucking go back to the 60s. | ||
| Same thing happened to me. | ||
| It was three months. | ||
| And this is what they said to me. | ||
| I said, what if I bring in all my records? | ||
| What if I bring in all my records? | ||
| And then they go, sir, we're still only going to reimburse you four months. | ||
| I go, that's ridiculous. | ||
| And the guy at the bank goes, well, the bank looks at it like that's on you. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because I didn't catch him. | ||
| It's on you to pay attention that they're stealing? | ||
| Yeah, it's up to you to pay attention. | ||
| What he was basically saying was, lawyer up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, you're up, buddy. | ||
| Go ahead. | ||
| Pretty much how it works is that's why you have 30 days. | ||
| You know, for credit cards, you have 30 days to return shit. | ||
| You have 30 days to make sure all these charges are correct. | ||
| Once you get past 30 days, then you're pretty much screwed. | ||
| Dude, they do other shit where if you say you're one of these guys, I pay off my balance every month and you think you're getting them, this is what they do is if... | ||
| If you pay it three days before, this guy was telling me it ends up being late because they send it somewhere else to be processed. | ||
| They deliberately, they artificially delay it. | ||
| So by the time it does get to that, it's messed up. | ||
| And this is one of those other things. | ||
| Someone told me that in a Starbucks... | ||
| And it might not be true. | ||
| I got three quarters of the way through the sentence and I realized I didn't have any official words to use there. | ||
| I do know there has to be something official because nowadays you can write a check and within hours that check clears your bank. | ||
| And I'm like, that's a check and it's going through in two hours? | ||
| And they're like, yes, this is, you know, technology has changed in the banking system so this is new. | ||
| But yet, if you try to pay something off or do something like that, it's like immediately... | ||
| I mean, it takes like three days on your... | ||
| Like transfer funds. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, it takes like three days. | ||
| What? | ||
| It makes no sense. | ||
| Because it's not there. | ||
| It's artificial. | ||
| However long they can hold on to your money, they make interest off your money, too. | ||
| So I guess if you think about it like that, like, you know, if they hold on to your money an extra few days before they do something, and you add that up over, you know, the million people they have in their bank and the 365 days a year... | ||
| that practice probably nets them a significant amount of money. | ||
| If you look at it like that. - Dude, 28 bucks from every shithead like me who doesn't check for a fucking year. | ||
| And I didn't notice until it went under a thousand bucks 'cause I knew I had a thousand something in there. | ||
| It was one of the accounts I had back east. | ||
| So I came out here and I was always meaning to close it out. | ||
| You know, I had like 1200 bucks or something in it and then all of a sudden I'm out here for like a year and a half and all of a sudden I get my statement and it was like down to like 900 something bucks And that is on me. | ||
| It is on me because I didn't realize that your bank could fucking steal from you and then just say, well, you know, go fuck yourself. | ||
| That's kind of your fault. | ||
| Tell you what, we'll give you, like, 80, 90 bucks back. | ||
| All right there, buddy? | ||
| So is that what they gave you? | ||
| They gave you, like, three months back? | ||
| I don't even know if they did. | ||
| The guy just said he would. | ||
| I walked out disgusted, and then the NBA Finals started, bred the circus, and I started watching that, and I never followed up. | ||
| There's actually something that just passed, you guys. | ||
| Especially the audience might want to check this out. | ||
| It used to be a credit card like a bank or a credit card, if you had seven charges go through at the same time, they can take out all those seven charges and then charge you seven overdraft fees. | ||
| That's how they used to be able to do it. | ||
| But something just passed recently that you could tell your credit cards and your bank that if there's no money in your account, you're not allowed to pull money out. | ||
| So they're trying to trick you into signing and going, no, let's keep it the old way. | ||
| So they'll call you up or... | ||
| They'll tell you, like, hey, you know, you want to make sure all these charges go through, right? | ||
| Yeah, well, you need to accept these. | ||
| Is that what that letter was about? | ||
| That's what that new letter is. | ||
| That letter was that I blew off? | ||
| Yeah, don't blow it off. | ||
| Tell all your credit card companies know that if there is no money in the account, you don't want it to go through, and you'll save yourself all those. | ||
| You'll never have an overdraft charge again. | ||
| They're forcing overdraft fees on people. | ||
| They're trying to. | ||
| They're trying to go back to the old way where like you would have seven things go through like a $3 charge and then you get charged $39 for an overdraft fee. | ||
| You're like, well, why did it go through if I had no money in my account? | ||
| Or if you made a deposit to cover it, they input the deposit last. | ||
| Last, right. | ||
| And then bam, bam, bam, and they nail it. | ||
| Well, a deposit takes 90 days to go through where the charge only takes three seconds to cover it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm sorry, sir. | ||
| Change that. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I understand. | ||
| There's nothing we can do. | ||
| I love that. | ||
| That's what you always get. | ||
| There's nothing we can do. | ||
| I don't... | ||
| I got on a plane ticket the other day and I show up and all of a sudden I don't have a seat reservation. | ||
| I have one on the way out. | ||
| Well, it's oversold. | ||
| Well, I didn't do that. | ||
| And then the lady has like an attitude with me. | ||
| And it's like, what the fuck? | ||
| I spent $400, $500. | ||
| They asked me where I wanted to sit. | ||
| I picked out the fucking seat. | ||
| And I was told I have a reservation. | ||
| And then you oversold. | ||
| Did you imagine if you did that with a car? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Somebody pays for a car. | ||
| And you go, okay, your car's waiting for you. | ||
| And the guy comes down. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| It was oversold. | ||
| I oversold the car. | ||
| That should be against the law. | ||
| I wanted to make sure I sold the car. | ||
| So I sold it twice. | ||
| Yeah, but that's not even as bad because you can get in your car and fucking drive home. | ||
| Imagine if they go... | ||
| What if somebody dropped you off there? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| We oversold whatever car you have. | ||
| So they had to come and take yours and took it away and you're fucking sitting in your house going, yeah, but I have to go to the airport. | ||
| I'm sorry, sir. | ||
| There's nothing we can do. | ||
| How can they do that? | ||
| I don't care if they're losing money. | ||
| How can they sell more seats than there are seats? | ||
| That should be a fucking fraud. | ||
| I think they figured out a way to have... | ||
| Remember 10 years ago when you used to go on the road? | ||
| How many times was the seat next to you empty? | ||
| All the time. | ||
| And occasionally you'd get the whole row and you'd curl up. | ||
| Back in the good old days. | ||
| The good old days. | ||
| The good old days. | ||
| When does that happen now? | ||
| It never happens now because they'll always say like... | ||
| They cancel flights and jam people together. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| They don't give a fuck about your convenience. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| And they'll just give away tickets to people that will... | ||
| Like, hey, you get a free ticket if you wait until the next flight. | ||
| So they're not actually overselling it because they'll get rid of those tickets for you. | ||
| You know what though? | ||
| The way I look at it, you have to have fucking airlines or I wouldn't have a job. | ||
| I literally need airlines to get along. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Most people don't. | ||
| I'm not against airlines. | ||
| I'm just against telling me I have a seat and then I don't. | ||
| I hate that too. | ||
| But whatever the fuck they have to do to stay in business. | ||
| For us, for comics, could you imagine if you had a fucking drive to all your gigs? | ||
| Could you imagine if you had a drive if you had a New York gig? | ||
| Okay, I got a gig on Friday in New York, so it's Monday. | ||
| I'm packing up my car. | ||
| Could you fucking imagine? | ||
| No, you know what would be great? | ||
| Immediately how regional all our comedy would become. | ||
| Oh, sorry. | ||
| Back in the day in Boston. | ||
| I had jokes when I... There was a chain like 7-Eleven called Christie's. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'll never forget the first time I did a gig outside of Boston. | ||
| I think it was like New Hampshire. | ||
| And I had some stupid joke about winning the lottery, how nobody respects you. | ||
| Like, you move into a rich neighborhood, and they're like, what do you do? | ||
| I'm a doctor. | ||
| I did this. | ||
| I'm a brain surgeon. | ||
| What do you do? | ||
| I say, oh, I went to Christie's. | ||
| Like, you know, meaning I got a lottery ticket. | ||
| It wasn't even a good fucking joke to begin with. | ||
| And then I went up to New Hampshire, and I told the joke. | ||
| And I'm like, I went to Christie's. | ||
| It was the first time I used a reference that nobody fucking got. | ||
| And I was... | ||
| Remember that high five? | ||
| You were gone by then. | ||
| The high five gig? | ||
| Where was that? | ||
| The top of the only skyscraper in, like, Manchester, New Hampshire. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| No, I didn't get that one. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, and I ate my balls. | ||
| I used to do a lot of local material when I was living in Boston because it would kill. | ||
| So you did jokes about girls from Revere with the big bulletproof hairdos and a lot of regional shit. | ||
| And then when I would go on the road, it was like I was disarmed. | ||
| Like none of my references would work. | ||
| I would tell a Revere Beach joke, and you would get recognition laughter in Boston. | ||
| But when you're on the road, they just, okay, where's the joke? | ||
| Well, you remember those guys, and they'd go down to Jersey and be like, what's the equivalent to Revere Beach down here? | ||
| You've got to regionalize all your references. | ||
| The only time that's happened lately is if I go over to Europe. | ||
| And I was saying to somebody the other day, one of the few things that not only I didn't have to change, but fucking destroyed was a reference to Ric Flair. | ||
| Really? | ||
| The wrestler? | ||
| Ric Flair. | ||
| That's how big those guys are. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Fucking destroyed in London, Dublin, and Glasgow, Scotland. | ||
| Well, they have a lot of American culture over there. | ||
| England especially. | ||
| I find that English... | ||
| American comedians translate way quicker to England than England do to American. | ||
| Yeah, we're like, yeah, we're snobs over here. | ||
| We hear like a British accent. | ||
| We're like, English! | ||
| Yeah, but I mean, but I'm saying like the comedy doesn't translate as well. | ||
| They have a very specific type of humor, but they get ours, you know? | ||
| Yeah, I don't know what I feel like. | ||
| I feel like when British comedians or comedians from over there, I either love them or not only do I not like them, but I feel like they're like 15 years behind the time, which is odd. | ||
| They're so nice over there. | ||
| It's almost like the attitude they have as a country, as a culture, hampers their ability to tell real stand-up. | ||
| Because real stand-up, there's a part of real stand-up that's like, what the fuck are you doing? | ||
| They don't have that. | ||
| They don't get that. | ||
| But somehow it comes out in their music, though. | ||
| Like, it always seems like, you know, everything from, like, the Sex Pistols to fucking Ozzy Osbourne, all these broke, angry fucking dudes. | ||
| It comes out in fighting, too. | ||
| There's a lot of tough MMA guys that come out of the UK. Yeah, somehow. | ||
| I'm trying to think... | ||
| They're more polite. | ||
| There's something about their humor. | ||
| It's just like... | ||
| You know what it is? | ||
| It's cheeky. | ||
| Isn't that the word that they use? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cheeky? | |
| Cheeky. | ||
| I don't know what it is. | ||
| Some of them are really good, but some of them it just doesn't. | ||
| I think, first of all, the style of comedy that you and I come from, too, you get very spoiled for a certain particular type of comedy. | ||
| Boston comedy is a very specific kind of comedy. | ||
| If you stop and think about how many good comics have come from Boston... | ||
| You know, Jay Leno came from Boston. | ||
| Steven Wright came from Boston. | ||
| Guys that people don't know that are probably better than 90% of the fucking people that are like big name comics like Gavin. | ||
| Don Gavin is one of the funniest guys ever walked the fucking face of the earth. | ||
| He's a monster. | ||
| He's a masterful comedian. | ||
| I think it's all like the East Coast. | ||
| I think all the way down to like DC, the amount of guys... | ||
| But I think that's also... | ||
| No, but Boston was a rare place. | ||
| Yeah, Boston does have a lot of big guys. | ||
| Because they didn't leave. | ||
| They didn't leave. | ||
| Those guys stayed there. | ||
| No one left Boston. | ||
| The big monsters, Steve Sweeney, Kenny Rogerson, Don Gavin, Mike Donovan. | ||
| When I was a kid, okay, and when I first started doing open mics there, and those guys were all the national headliners, or the local headliners, rather. | ||
| They'd be at Knicks, and they'd be at The Connection. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| I remember sitting there watching those guys, and they would have some national guy come through, like Billy Crystal. | ||
| And Billy Crystal would come through. | ||
| And they would put on Don Gavin, Steve Sweeney, and Lenny Clark in a row, and then bring up Billy Crystal. | ||
| Yeah, it wasn't fair. | ||
| They did it on purpose. | ||
| Yeah, oh yeah. | ||
| They knew that the level of comedy was so high there, and these guys were only doing 20 minutes tight. | ||
| The same 20 minutes they've been doing for five years. | ||
| But they're also doing, a lot of them were doing local references. | ||
| Dude, I don't give a, if you put on four local headliners in front of me, if I'm on the road, yeah, I'm fucked. | ||
| You're fucked. | ||
| Well, you're fucked for the first couple minutes until you can get them into your groove. | ||
| But people love local shit, and Boston especially. | ||
| Boston is such a city that's in love with being from Boston. | ||
| Mike Donovan was one of my favorites. | ||
| His name doesn't get brought up enough for people top to grade. | ||
| He used to do that joke about... | ||
| His comedy was so blue-collar, and I was coming up working in warehouses and stuff. | ||
| It was weird. | ||
| Both my parents were professional white-collar, but I was a moron. | ||
| Fucked up in school. | ||
| So I had like blue collar jobs. | ||
| So his comedy was just right out over the place. | ||
| He did something. | ||
| He had some sort of back and forth with the boss. | ||
| And he made this reference, you know, basically telling the boss to go fuck himself. | ||
| He said, I'll take a 20 minute shit on the clock if I want to. | ||
| And I fucking fell out because it was always that lazy fuck thing. | ||
| Wouldn't help unload the trucks. | ||
| He had every goddamn trick in the book on how to somehow make that eight-hour day go by. | ||
| And one of them was when he would grab the Herald of the Globe to go take a shit. | ||
| And it would somehow take like fucking 40 minutes. | ||
| Every day. | ||
| Donovan, he's another one. | ||
| He's a master. | ||
| There was a bunch of guys that were around back then. | ||
| I mean, they're still around. | ||
| I'm sure Donovan, if you live in Boston, you could probably find him headlining somewhere. | ||
| I mean, he's still doing comedy, I'm sure, right? | ||
| I know he ran afoul into the IRS for a bit. | ||
| A lot of those guys that were working for cash for a long time, they weren't paying taxes on it. | ||
| I didn't hear anything about that. | ||
| I heard they were all up to date. | ||
| I don't know what you're talking about, Joe. | ||
| Yeah, you're right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what? | |
| I misheard. | ||
| I misheard. | ||
| I think those are those guys out in Long Island. | ||
| I think some of them did that. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I miss her. | ||
| Oh, here's another one that doesn't get brought up. | ||
| Teddy Bergeron. | ||
| You ever get a chance to see Teddy Bergeron? | ||
| Holy shit, that guy was good. | ||
| Let me tell you something. | ||
| I saw that guy in 1988. I was at an open mic night. | ||
| It was one of the first times that I thought about quitting comedy. | ||
| I went up, it was an open mic night, and I went up, and I did my little five minutes of fucking nonsense, stupid, terrible, bad comedy, just trying to make people laugh, didn't know what the fuck I was doing, and didn't go so good. | ||
| You know, those early sets, it was like one of my third or fourth sets, so not so good. | ||
| Clumsy, you know, maybe one laugh, and then I fuck it up with a bad punchline, and I just didn't know what I was doing. | ||
| Teddy Bergeron goes up, and Just so fucking smooth. | ||
| Smooth and relaxed. | ||
| And the way he would talk, just like mesmerizing. | ||
| And I had heard about his Tonight Show fucking set. | ||
| He had just done the Tonight Show. | ||
| And somebody had a video of it. | ||
| And they played the video, and he plays the fucking piano. | ||
| He talks about commercials, and he plays the piano and talks about it. | ||
| It's so fucking smooth and so good. | ||
| You would look at him and go, okay, this guy's going to be gigantic. | ||
| This guy's going to be bigger than Robin Williams. | ||
| He's going to be the biggest stand-up comic in the country. | ||
| Never left Boston. | ||
| Just stayed. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They all stayed. | ||
| I don't... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They were... | ||
| It was like townies. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fucking crazy. | |
| They were like townies but comedians. | ||
| But that guy... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, they all got work. | |
| They all got work in Boston. | ||
| They didn't have to leave. | ||
| See, when they were working at Nick's Comedy Stop and they were working at Stitches and all these different clubs... | ||
| They could hop around from club to club. | ||
| You ever see that documentary? | ||
| Yeah, stand-ups. | ||
| Stand-ups stood out. | ||
| Yeah, and Lenny Clark talks about all the different sets that he did. | ||
| He would do all these different sets at night, and I would go from here to there, and there to there, and there to there, and close. | ||
| They'd be making $1,500 a night. | ||
| Yeah, and he'd just hire a driver just to wait outside and do all the sets. | ||
| What I love about those guys is there was almost like a height requirement too. | ||
| They were all like fucking 6'2", 6'3", huge guys. | ||
| And they literally would have like a keg of beer over one shoulder and like an eight ball in their hand and would just be going from club to club destroying. | ||
| Hammered and doing blow all the way. | ||
| Yeah, just to keep their buzz going. | ||
| And then at the end of the night... | ||
| Dude, I heard some fucking... | ||
| That backroom at Nick's, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Somebody... | |
| Oh, they offered to pay me in Coke. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah, they would offer to pay you in Coke. | ||
| Yeah, that was the deal. | ||
| Did they go, you do Coke? | ||
| They go, no. | ||
| We can pay you in Coke. | ||
| No. | ||
| I'll take cash. | ||
| Yeah, I'll take cash. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Like, I thought that was a joke. | ||
| I didn't realize they pay you in Coke. | ||
| They offered to pay you in Coke. | ||
| And that was what a lot of guys did. | ||
| A lot of guys got some of their money in Coke. | ||
| Because I guess... | ||
| Are comedians and porn stars the two careers that can get paid in Coke... | ||
| If it had to come down to it. | ||
| Yeah, I would say probably bands too. | ||
| Probably a lot of bands. | ||
| Bands, a portion of the boxers back in the day. | ||
| About DJs. | ||
| They'd give you some chips. | ||
| You ever see that? | ||
| I know it's just a photo op thing, but you ever see that great picture of Sonny Liston? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Where he looks like he just knocked somebody out and he's sitting there still in his boxer trunks, hands taped up. | ||
| I think his hands were on, but that had to have been a promotional. | ||
| Even those mob guys would be like, come on Sonny, let's get you showered here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, let's get you showered. | |
| Don't you think that starting out in Boston was like one of the best places you could have ever chose to begin your comedy career? | ||
| I think about that a lot. | ||
| So lucky. | ||
| Whenever I think about that because... | ||
| When did you start? | ||
| What year? | ||
| I started in March of 92. I was like 23, almost 24. So I started a little bit late. | ||
| And I remember just some of the times like when I've gone on the road And you meet the up-and-coming guys. | ||
| Like, yeah, the comedy scene here sucks. | ||
| And blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. | ||
| Like, it sucks so bad, like, they don't even know what to do. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you always tell them, well, just go out and start a room. | ||
| Like, some of them, like, you know, the scene's so bad, they don't even think of doing that. | ||
| It's like, we don't even start a room. | ||
| It's like, go pick a fucking sports bar that does no business on a Monday, Tuesday, and tell them that you're going to get people in here. | ||
| You know, lie to them. | ||
| You know, you're going to get people to come in to watch these fucking open micers do five minutes each. | ||
| Dude, the first time I ate my fucking balls on stage, I was doing this place like Kelly's something or other in either Reading or North Reading. | ||
| It doesn't exist anymore. | ||
| This comedian Jack Lynch booked it and there would literally be like a Bruins game on TV. Yeah. | ||
| And they wouldn't shut the game off either. | ||
| Fuck no. | ||
| No, you had to do comedy over the game. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And the volume for the game was still on too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A lot of those gigs down the Cape, I did a lot of those gigs, and you'd find out the fucking game was on while you got there. | ||
| Like, fuck the game. | ||
| Are they going to leave the game on? | ||
| That was like always an issue. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Are they going to leave the game? | ||
| And if they said, all right, we're going to turn the game off. | ||
| They would turn the game off for everybody to go, what the Fuck! | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're fucking shutting the game off! | |
| You're shutting the... | ||
| And then you would have to go do comedy for a bunch of people who were angry at you for shutting the game off. | ||
| It was brutal. | ||
| And I remember the second question other than are you going to shut the game off is is there a stage? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That was another thing. | ||
| No, you just stand right over there. | ||
| Dude, I remember doing a gig. | ||
| This is how green we were. | ||
| It was me, Al Delbeni, Patrice O'Neal, And I want to say Dane Cook was on it. | ||
| Bobby Kelly, I think it was his gig that he booked. | ||
| We were so green. | ||
| And years later, I finally figured it out. | ||
| They gave us this microphone. | ||
| It was a lapel mic. | ||
| So we had to go up and do comedy with just like a lapel on, like we were doing Letterman. | ||
| But we were so green. | ||
| We didn't know that you clipped it on. | ||
| So we were all standing there holding it. | ||
| I swear to God, holding a lapel mic. | ||
| I remember Patrice, he's like fucking 6'5". | ||
| Because I remember, that's right, Delbeni, Al Delbeni was hosting. | ||
| He was like, what the fuck is up with this mic? | ||
| He's like, this is the smallest mic ever. | ||
| Look, I'll put it in his mouth. | ||
| And we're all laughing at them like, yeah, what a half-assed fucking gig. | ||
| And we were so stupid that we didn't understand what it was. | ||
| And Al would bring me up and then hand me the mic like a teacup with his pinkies out. | ||
| Pinky out. | ||
| And I would just be like, hey, keep it going. | ||
| And my dad was pretty nuts growing up with like three fingers up in the air holding this thing. | ||
| Have you done stand-up on a talk show with a lapel mic? | ||
| Yeah, I actually really like it. | ||
| Do you? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You ever thought about going Bobby Brown style on stage? | ||
| Y'all ready for this? | ||
| I know Chris Titus does that. | ||
| Titus wears like a headgear thing. | ||
| I don't like that. | ||
| I don't like jackets and I don't like the head... | ||
| I don't know how you do comedy with a jacket on. | ||
| I don't mind it if it's cold. | ||
| If it's cold, I'll wear a jacket on stage. | ||
| I can wear a zip-up. | ||
| I can wear a zip-up, but the sport coat, it just doesn't move with the shirt. | ||
| I wore a sport coat the first time I went on stage because I thought that's how you're supposed to dress. | ||
| I had a sport coat with the sleeves rolled up like this. | ||
| I was talking about that Miami Vice t-shirt. | ||
| I had a wacky t-shirt. | ||
| A t-shirt with like a silly smile on it because I thought that's how you... | ||
| And a pin. | ||
| I had like a button or something on my fucking sports coat. | ||
| Did you guys see Chris Rock on Leno the other day just owning? | ||
| Oh, that was so great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What happened? | |
| Just fucking with... | ||
| Jay, what you doing here? | ||
| Last time I was here, there's a dude with red hair. | ||
| And then he started saying that Kevin, the band guy, you got a cheaper brother. | ||
| And the guy's like, man, that's cold. | ||
| It was pretty funny. | ||
| He attacked. | ||
| It was uncomfortable. | ||
| He kept on going into it. | ||
| You could tell Jay, let's do something else. | ||
| That is one of the most amazing things I've ever seen. | ||
| What is? | ||
| How he got that show back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Yeah, it's crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's fucked up. | |
| I don't disagree with him, though. | ||
| Look, you know, everybody puts it this way. | ||
| Look, the guy was on top. | ||
| He was fucking number one. | ||
| Number one. | ||
| And they come along and say, we're going to lose you, or we're going to lose Conan... | ||
| Unless we give him the Tonight Show. | ||
| So we want to give him the Tonight Show. | ||
| And he's like, what? | ||
| Fucking really? | ||
| You're going to take my gig away from me? | ||
| And so he goes, okay, all right, I'm going to... | ||
| And under duress, he offers to give up the gig in five years. | ||
| See, that's the thing. | ||
| But he's number one. | ||
| I don't think it's under duress. | ||
| I think he's brilliant. | ||
| I think he's brilliant. | ||
| But he was number one. | ||
| So he gets kicked off. | ||
| They put this new guy on. | ||
| The new guy is bombing. | ||
| He's eating dick. | ||
| Okay, that's what nobody wants to talk about. | ||
| Conan O'Brien on The Tonight Show wasn't that good. | ||
| Yeah, but Leno's doing the exact same ratings right now as Conan was. | ||
| Time on. | ||
| We're going to go back to that. | ||
| It dropped substantially. | ||
| It dropped substantially from where it was before. | ||
| From where it was when Leno was hosting it to where... | ||
| Yeah, but ratings in general. | ||
| I can refute all that. | ||
| Hold on a second. | ||
| They fucked Conan by not letting him do any of his... | ||
| He couldn't do the masturbating bear. | ||
| Couldn't do all these different sketches. | ||
| Couldn't do Triumph the Insult Dog. | ||
| Couldn't do any of that shit. | ||
| Because it's an 11 o'clock show. | ||
| They fucked him. | ||
| If when Jay Leno got to Tonight Show, if he had to follow Johnny Carson bombing for an hour... | ||
| You're totally right about that. | ||
| The 10 o'clock... | ||
| That was the worst decision ever. | ||
| But that's like... | ||
| If a comedian bombs in front of you for a half hour... | ||
| In front of you. | ||
| I mean, you've got to spend... | ||
| Well, not only that, he's hijacked The Tonight Show because The Tonight Show was always the late night show where guys would go on and all the guests would go on and it would be like an important spot. | ||
| Well, the 10 o'clock spot became just as important, so they were like siphoning off guests. | ||
| You couldn't have a guy who's promoting... | ||
| Mel Gibson goes on Jay Leno's show and then goes on The Tonight Show as well. | ||
| No, you're only going to have one or the other. | ||
| Yeah, and TV is all about the leading. | ||
| So the brilliance of it was J-bombing actually fucked Conan. | ||
| They gave Conan... | ||
| We had this show for like six months. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But before they started going like, all right, let's get this guy out of here, and he got it back. | ||
| Now, I think... | ||
| I think taking... | ||
| I think it was a brilliant move. | ||
| But taking it away from him. | ||
| I think it was a brilliant... | ||
| Brilliant. | ||
| The way Jay played it was absolutely brilliant. | ||
| I don't think he bombed on purpose. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no. | |
| I'm not saying he bombed on purpose. | ||
| But the way he played it, like, yeah, yeah, sure, I'll do it. | ||
| And then the fucking 12th hour, yeah, I'm going to leave, but I'm not retiring. | ||
| And then they freaked the fuck out. | ||
| So, like, he... | ||
| I don't... | ||
| This is how we look at it. | ||
| Like, I understand Jay being like, look, I had the number one show. | ||
| What are you kicking me off for? | ||
| He's totally right about that. | ||
| But I also... | ||
| I don't look at Conan like he failed. | ||
| Like... | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Conan got fucked. | ||
| Conan got fucked. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| He got fucked because... | ||
| I completely agree. | ||
| But what I'm saying is you got to realize that Jay Leno had the number one spot. | ||
| He was number one in the late night wars before they gave it to Conan. | ||
| So why would he give a fuck? | ||
| If they gave the show to Conan and offered it back to him, why would he not take it? | ||
| Conan took it from him. | ||
| I don't... | ||
| You know, but everybody's making out like Jay is this asshole for taking Conan's job. | ||
| Like, wait, Conan took his job. | ||
| Conan's not a... | ||
| He's not a poor man. | ||
| He's a rich man. | ||
| Like, we're really worried about him here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It didn't work. | |
| What's fucked up about it is Conan keeps saying, don't feel bad for me. | ||
| He made a great little... | ||
| He said a great little thing on his last episode. | ||
| He said, don't be cynical. | ||
| You know, blah, blah, blah. | ||
| I hate people who are cynical. | ||
| He said this really positive thing. | ||
| Don't feel bad for me. | ||
| Played fucking Freebird with the band. | ||
| Went out like a man, and that was it. | ||
| He's never bitched about it or any of that type of shit. | ||
| Dude, they gave him $40 fucking million. | ||
| I think that would smooth things over a bit. | ||
| See, no matter what Kona does, he's an asshole. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't think he's an asshole. | |
| No, no, no. | ||
| He's not an asshole. | ||
| I'm a big fan of the show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He gave a lot of that money. | |
| He gave a lot of that money out to people he worked with. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know he did. | |
| If they wanted to fucking move back, he felt bad for those guys. | ||
| The only thing that I find annoying about Jay Leno... | ||
| Is acting as though he isn't a shrewd businessman. | ||
| I mean, I'm going 10? | ||
| I'm going 10. He does do that, but if that's how he wants to portray himself, who gives a fuck? | ||
| That's fine. | ||
| But I'm saying that's the only thing that fucking annoys me about the whole thing. | ||
| The only thing that annoyed me was when everybody's making a big deal like, Jay's taking Conan's job, but Conan took Jay's job. | ||
| And Jay took Johnny's job. | ||
| He fucking forced him out. | ||
| Did he really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I don't know about that. | ||
| How did he force him out? | ||
| Ah, that fucking book I read. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha! | |
| I read the late shift. | ||
| I had a fucking book I read. | ||
| I read the fucking late shift book. | ||
| It's hilarious how much people pay attention to these late night wars. | ||
| No, but this is the thing though. | ||
| If Jay only got... | ||
| First of all, Jay, without Johnny bombing in front of him, going on after like fucking ER and Seinfeld and all those hit shows, dude. | ||
| It still took him 18 months. | ||
| Remember, Letterman was kicking the shit out of him. | ||
| Yes, until he got Hugh Grant on. | ||
| It took him 18 months to get it going. | ||
| You know what's really funny about this argument? | ||
| To give him only six fucking months and he's got to follow the previous host eating his balls for a half hour in front of him. | ||
| It was bullshit. | ||
| It was a ridiculous idea. | ||
| It was a ridiculous idea. | ||
| They were just afraid to let Conan go. | ||
| And Conan was like, look, I want the fucking Tonight Show. | ||
| And they didn't want to give it to him. | ||
| They go back and forth, and so they give it to him. | ||
| They thought that Jay's numbers were going to drop. | ||
| In five years, they're like, all right, he's going to be pushing 60. Who's going to want to watch this now? | ||
| That's the dumbest thing ever. | ||
| Johnny Carson got better as he got older. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| This is what I think. | ||
| I think Conan's going to be way better off on a network that just lets him do whatever the fuck he wants. | ||
| I think TBS is going to let him go crazy. | ||
| And he owns his show, dude. | ||
| He owns that show, dude. | ||
| It's going to be so much. | ||
| He's brilliant. | ||
| And, you know, when Conan is at his best, when you get to see how funny it is, like, you ever see that one sketch they did about baseball? | ||
| A bunch of people who play baseball, like 1800s baseball. | ||
| They wear vintage clothes. | ||
| They make their own clothes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| I saw this. | ||
| Fucking genius. | ||
| Hilarious. | ||
| Because he just goes balls out. | ||
| It's just him, you know? | ||
| It's just him being funny. | ||
| I guarantee you they fucked with him too much when they switched him over to 11 o'clock. | ||
| They probably cut all the meat and anything controversial out of his monologues or out of his sketches. | ||
| They probably stopped him from doing a lot of shit. | ||
| Yeah, and he said when he left, don't feel bad for me, and people are still saying that he's whining, which I don't get. | ||
| I mean, he did jokes about it in his monologue. | ||
| What the fuck are you supposed to do? | ||
| Is he sitting there talking about maybe you're going to get replaced? | ||
| You're supposed to go out there and be like, hey, did you see the earthquake in Haiti? | ||
| It was funny when they had a car. | ||
| I think it was a Bugatti, a million-dollar car, and they played the Rolling Stones, Get No Satisfaction, and there was a sketch just to spend money. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, I saw that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Which I'm sure is bullshit. | ||
| It is bullshit. | ||
| But it's still pretty funny. | ||
| It's pretty funny that he did it like that. | ||
| Speaking of that, I was watching one of those car auctions yesterday. | ||
| And I'm just sitting there looking at all these awesome old cars that I would love to own. | ||
| And as the price kept going up and up and up on some fucking Ferrari, I started to resent the people in the crowd. | ||
| Like, are these the bankers? | ||
| Is this what they did with the trillion? | ||
| Who the fuck has the money? | ||
| There was some... | ||
| If you can bring it up for your listeners, there's a fucking car in 1958 that BMW made. | ||
| It was designed by a guy who actually was in refrigerating or whatever. | ||
| Literally, the front of the car fucking opens up like a refrigerator and you walk out the front and there's one back door. | ||
| It's like a mini car. | ||
| A 1950, I think it's a BMW 600 or 300. 19th. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| Bring that thing up, okay? | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| It's a hunk of shit. | ||
| It's the Isetta. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I-S-E-T-T-A. 1957. Oh, I've seen that before. | |
| I've seen one of those. | ||
| Looks like a little mini Cooper. | ||
| Yeah, it looks just like it. | ||
| There's one in this European car magazine. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Spin it around so you can see it. | ||
| So basically, look, it's got one wiper in the front. | ||
| A five-year-old could get licensed to drive the thing. | ||
| So this guy paid like 11 grand for it. | ||
| He's like, hey, you know, I'm hoping to get 30. 35. I got 35. I got 40. The fucking thing went for $67,500. | ||
| $67,000 for that? | ||
| $67,500 for that hunk of shit. | ||
| Guys like Jay Leno, those car collector dudes, they like to have like old cars, like rare old cars. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, but never mind. | |
| Jay's money's clean. | ||
| He didn't stand up. | ||
| He's doing that. | ||
| I'm talking about these other fucking guys. | ||
| It's like, you're not famous. | ||
| How do you know who's in the audience and where they got their money from? | ||
| Dude, what are they, all invented PlayStation? | ||
| Maybe they own farms. | ||
| They sell LCD electronics. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| Let me ask you, what do these fucking bankers spend all their money on? | ||
| Dude, they took a trillion dollars. | ||
| Where did it go? | ||
| They're at the fucking car auctions. | ||
| The amazing thing about that whole banker thing, the whole bailout, was that those guys still wanted bonuses. | ||
| They still wanted bonuses even though their bank failed and the government had to give them billions of dollars. | ||
| Dude, it goes beyond that. | ||
| They got the fucking houses. | ||
| They got the bailout money. | ||
| They kept it. | ||
| Then they're fucking guys like me. | ||
| 28 bucks a month. | ||
| Our records only go back four months. | ||
| And they kept the money and they got the fucking houses back to do it again. | ||
| They're gonna do it again. | ||
| Cunts. | ||
| I swear they should get the death penalty. | ||
| You touch a kid, you fuck with an animal, or you make old people eat dog food for the last 15 years of their life when they thought they were going to live in their houseboat or their dreams. | ||
| You should be fucking murdered. | ||
| Publicly. | ||
| Bernie Madoff. | ||
| Dead? | ||
| Just kill him. | ||
| Bernie Madoff is a lightweight. | ||
| He's a lightweight? | ||
| 50 billion? | ||
| That's nothing? | ||
| But he only fucked over six people. | ||
| These guys fucked over a whole country. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's six. | |
| Look it up. | ||
| It's on Wikipedia. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm kidding. | |
| No, Bernie Madoff is the sacrificial lamb. | ||
| That guy should be killed too. | ||
| But he was the guy... | ||
| The funny thing is people look at Bernie Madoff and they look like... | ||
| Well, they took down one of the bankers. | ||
| He's not a banker. | ||
| He was like a fucking investment banker. | ||
| I don't know what I'm talking about. | ||
| He was like one of those private guys. | ||
| Like, Joe, I know what to do with your fucking money. | ||
| He didn't have like an ATM that you could use. | ||
| He was one of those guys. | ||
| The Smith Barney guys, right? | ||
| He fucked a lot of important people. | ||
| Jesus, I'm stupid. | ||
| Well, he fucked a bunch of people that should have known better. | ||
| There was a lot of people that were in the business. | ||
| I just like that he at least fucked other rich people. | ||
| Yeah, he fucked most rich, but he fucked also a bunch of different Jewish groups that had charities. | ||
| He fucked charities over. | ||
| He fucked a lot of people over. | ||
| But he was fucking over people that were in the whole, the industry, the financial industry. | ||
| So they should have known what he was doing was fucked up. | ||
| And they still were like, but look at the returns. | ||
| And so they just dove in. | ||
| Even though none of it made sense. | ||
| There was people that were calling for an investigation into his firm years and years ago. | ||
| And they ignored it. | ||
| They just kept going. | ||
| The guy was the fucking head of the FCC at one point in time. | ||
| Or what is it? | ||
| The New York Stock Exchange? | ||
| Was he the head of? | ||
| NASDAQ? Was it NASDAQ he was the head of? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| I think he was the head of NASDAQ and the not FCC he's the head of NASDAQ and this fucking guy goes on to be the biggest Ponzi scheme Mastermind in the history of the country. | ||
| That's pretty incredible a guy that like worked in the system He must have known that it's impossible to figure it out like I always I never paid attention Like I look at the stock market. | ||
| I see all those numbers going back and forth and I'm like What the fuck is all that? | ||
| What does that even mean? | ||
| You know I somebody knows it's a crap table You know, it seems like it's all bullshit, but look, obviously, there's this Alan Greenspan guy. | ||
| He seems very bright. | ||
| He's got everything under wraps. | ||
| Someone knows. | ||
| Until this whole financial collapse came along and this Bernie Madoff thing came along, I was like, oh, they don't even know. | ||
| Nobody even knows. | ||
| Nobody knows how this thing works. | ||
| The financial institution? | ||
| No, it's a belief system. | ||
| That's crazy, yeah. | ||
| You have to believe that. | ||
| Well, it's a belief system because a lot of it's based on confidence. | ||
| I started reading up on it. | ||
| And I started, you know, as I always do, I read a little bit and then I start pontificating and then two follow-up questions and my whole argument falls on the ground. | ||
| But after reading a little bit more, I read that book, The Case Against the Fed, and I stopped talking to people about it because it's like if I really start informing people and everybody knows this whole thing is going to fucking collapse. | ||
| So I just became part of the line. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I like people going, put your money in the bank, it's safe. | ||
| It's insured. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| And you're going to go with insurance companies? | ||
| The only people that's fucking more corrupt? | ||
| Yeah, it's insured until it isn't. | ||
| The craziest thing is when you go to New York and Times Square and you see that one building that has the national debt and how it's accumulating and it's just spinning. | ||
| They had to add an extra fucking zero to it recently. | ||
| Just humming around. | ||
| We hit a point, the legal amount of debt we're allowed to have, so we didn't know what the fuck to do. | ||
| So they had a quick meeting, and then they just doubled it. | ||
| They just doubled with the legal debt. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There you go. | |
| Okay, so now it's not a problem. | ||
| We're only halfway there now. | ||
| Yeah, dude, I gotta admit, like, there's a lot of terrifying things about living out here in Los Angeles, living in a city that is in a bankrupt state with a, you know, doesn't really have a water supply, technically. | ||
| You live in a fucking desert. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The property is, like, really overrun, and all that crazy drug cartel shit, I mean, is essentially... | ||
| Right there. | ||
| A couple hours drive. | ||
| Geographically, it's right down the fucking street. | ||
| Two hours drive. | ||
| It's like if you're living in Afghanistan and the war is two hours away, you'd be like, wow, we're pretty close to the ship. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Like we could take a road trip. | ||
| You want to go to the war today? | ||
| Yeah, literally. | ||
| Especially when you're in San Diego. | ||
| Whenever I'm down in San Diego, you're fucking half an hour from Tijuana. | ||
| It's unsettling. | ||
| And those... | ||
| You know something? | ||
| This is something. | ||
| I wish it was... | ||
| Mexican comedian here right now. | ||
| I really wish it was because... | ||
| It's called Willie Barsena. | ||
| This one I've always wondered is why they got so offended by that sign that has... | ||
| The running Mexicans. | ||
| The running family across the street. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Why is that offensive? | ||
| We don't want to run over you. | ||
| People are embarrassed because they're embarrassed by the idea that Mexicans have to get into this country that way. | ||
| Oh, I get it. | ||
| It's embarrassing. | ||
| And it's not realistic because there's only three people in the family. | ||
| It's embarrassing, man. | ||
| The whole idea about Mexico being that close, you know, it's got to be embarrassing. | ||
| There's no other place in the world that I know of where there's a first world country connected to a third world country, you know? | ||
| But what the fuck is the solution? | ||
| See, if you open the borders and you let people go everywhere, like I said, this is not going to last. | ||
| No, you can't. | ||
| This standard of living that we have in America, it wouldn't be the same. | ||
| If we had open borders and anybody could just immigrate to America, it would get fucked quick. | ||
| Yeah, you gotta have the gated community. | ||
| Well, that's what the United States is. | ||
| It's like a big fucking gated community. | ||
| Well, I don't think you should just be able to walk. | ||
| We get a lot of shit for that. | ||
| Can you just walk into France? | ||
| Can you do that? | ||
| You can pretty much go anywhere you want to if you wanted to. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Well, I'm saying legally. | ||
| Can I just start living in France? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think you could go there. | ||
| No, I know I can go there and visit and get fucking... | ||
| Dude, actually, that's one of my things I really want to do is I want to... | ||
| I would love to become fluent and be able to speak French and then go over there and act as the ignorant American just to hear the shit that they're saying and just act as dumb as I possibly can. | ||
| My ex... | ||
| Hey, where's the awful tower?! | ||
| Ain't that big. | ||
| Mona Lisa sitting there all expressionless. | ||
| Big fucking whoop. | ||
| Blonde hair. | ||
| My ex, just blonde hair girl, but could speak Spanish. | ||
| So it was great. | ||
| She would have her own fun just going in and listening to people talk about her when she walked by and stuff. | ||
| They must talk mad shit. | ||
| Did she ever bust them? | ||
| Oh, nonstop she would bust them all the time. | ||
| We'd be waiting in line at El Polo Loco and they would say, look at that chick's tits or something like that. | ||
| She'd be like, what the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| But like, you know, back in Spanish. | ||
| Or she was giving her her phone number. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Damn. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If you hear like, cinco, seis, dash, zero, gordo. | |
| No, I got the Rosetta Stone Spanish-speaking one. | ||
| You want to learn Spanish? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dude, I got it in Christmas 08. Still in the box. | ||
| Still in the box. | ||
| Plastic's still on it. | ||
| It's like an olympical machine. | ||
| For me, it's like those fucking Mavis Baking learn how to type. | ||
| I buy those fucking things every couple of years. | ||
| Oh, they got a new learn how to type program. | ||
| Eventually, I'm going to learn how to type. | ||
| I type quick, but I use fucking three fingers. | ||
| I use like these two and this one. | ||
| Every now and then, I'll throw this motherfucker in the mix. | ||
| Maybe three fingers in this hand, and I would kind of move to two on this hand. | ||
| So, I don't use the whole... | ||
| Types like a burn victim. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like a lobster claw thing going. | ||
| I type like I've had my hands smashed with hammers. | ||
| But I always say I'm going to eventually get that fucking Mavis bacon. | ||
| I'm going to get on it. | ||
| Dude, I'm really surprised at some of the shit that I finally... | ||
| The only thing I ever worked on was being a comedian because I thought it was going to solve all my problems. | ||
| People are going to see me on stage. | ||
| He's funny and everybody's going to stop fucking with me. | ||
| Everything was going to work out. | ||
| And then what ended up happening is the only thing I was remotely decent at was being a comedian. | ||
| So I finally learned how to start fixing shit. | ||
| Like what kind of shit? | ||
| I fixed my toilet in New York. | ||
| I got a tenant back there and he was bitching about something. | ||
| We got this fucking awful landlord. | ||
| He always comes in, I swear to God, with like used parts from other apartments and they never work. | ||
| So I just looked in the back. | ||
| I was just picturing how dumb he looks. | ||
| Yet he knows how to do it. | ||
| So I just... | ||
| I don't know what I did. | ||
| I went on YouTube. | ||
| I watched a couple of videos. | ||
| It's a toilet. | ||
| It's basic. | ||
| And I just sort of figured shit out. | ||
| And I listened. | ||
| I flushed it. | ||
| I looked. | ||
| And I figured out what to... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, the flapper. | |
| It's a fucking $8 flapper. | ||
| And then I got it. | ||
| And I was like, ah, fuck. | ||
| How does this go in? | ||
| And he's just like... | ||
| It's almost like when I got better at computers where I stopped freaking out. | ||
| And I just was like, just stop. | ||
| Take in information, process it, and think. | ||
| That's what I... Fucking two seconds. | ||
| I wish I had the time, the patience, and the interest to build my own car. | ||
| Because I would love to do that. | ||
| I'd love to do that. | ||
| Get one of those kits. | ||
| I'm so jealous of people who can do that. | ||
| The body's good. | ||
| I'll fucking toss a 350. I wish I could do that. | ||
| Fucking Bondo it. | ||
| Send yourself a mask on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shit. | |
| The old Jeep kits. | ||
| Remember the old Jeep kits? | ||
| You could buy a kit and build your own army Jeep. | ||
| Remember it was like a thousand bucks or something like that? | ||
| They still have kit cars. | ||
| And you could take a kit car like a Noble. | ||
| I remember they used to sell the Noble in America, but you couldn't buy it with a powertrain. | ||
| You couldn't buy it with an engine. | ||
| You had to put your own engine and your own powertrain in. | ||
| So it's basically like a do-it-yourself fucking car. | ||
| They had a bunch of those. | ||
| I knew a guy who had a friend in this state I used to live in. | ||
| I'm not going to say where, but back in the day, the Jeep CJ7, they basically kept the same chassis, body, all that shit for like fucking 15 years. | ||
| So he had some old piece of shit one. | ||
| So what he did was he went out and he stole a brand new one and just parked him side by side in his garage and just took apart the new one and put all the new... | ||
| So all the numbers still match. | ||
| Whatever the numbers are supposed to be, like on the frame and all that, everything matched. | ||
| And he just... | ||
| He did like a... | ||
| Like plastic surgery. | ||
| And he just took all the new shit that he needed. | ||
| I think he had to keep his engine block and there was the frame or something like... | ||
| Gearheads would know what he would have to keep. | ||
| So what did he do with the rest of the stuff? | ||
| Then he just took like... | ||
| He had like a... | ||
| He's like a welding thing and he just sort of cut it into pieces and would just sort of... | ||
| Remember the Great Escape when they would just drop the dirt out of the bottom of their pants? | ||
| Yeah, they would just sort of dump shit here or there. | ||
| If you just have a piece of a frame, they're not going to give a fuck. | ||
| They don't even know what it is. | ||
| How do you prove it? | ||
| Yeah, I mean, I don't have the mechanical know-how to say exactly what he did, but I said, what did he do with the extra shit? | ||
| And that was basically it. | ||
| He cut it down into smaller pieces. | ||
| You can't fucking build a car today. | ||
| You can't build a new 2011 Shelby Mustang convertible. | ||
| You can't build it. | ||
| Yeah, with the computer chips. | ||
| It's computer and there's so much shit going on. | ||
| It's so complicated. | ||
| It's not like the old days. | ||
| In the old days, if your fucking engine blew, you could replace your engine. | ||
| All you need is a crane and a buddy who knew what the fuck he was doing. | ||
| Yeah, but it was also much more... | ||
| Like, my first car, I had a Ford Ranger, and I actually learned, if I wanted to go, I just didn't have the balls to do it, because I didn't have a friend who could fix the problem. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| So I had to keep it very, like, I was like a hygienist, but like, working on a fucking car. | ||
| Like, you know, you learn, you know, changing the oil is the first thing, then you learn how to change the belts. | ||
| Then you start doing the spark plugs, then you get the timing light, and I got right to the fucking point where I was going to start fucking with, I don't know what, trying to do like the pistons and shit, and maybe I'll... | ||
| I'll try to get some more horsepower in this. | ||
| And I was just like, Bill, it's a fucking Ford Ranger, two-wheel drive. | ||
| What are you, a douchebag? | ||
| Just be happy that it's running. | ||
| I changed my oil once, and I dumped it into the sewer. | ||
| I dumped it into one of those... | ||
| It was the 80s. | ||
| It was legal. | ||
| I didn't even think. | ||
| I was 17 years old. | ||
| I was retarded. | ||
| And as I'm dumping it in, this guy walks by. | ||
| He goes, yeah, that's a good place for that. | ||
| And I thought, yeah, that's a good place for that. | ||
| And I thought about, oh, he's making fun of me. | ||
| I'm like, oh my god, I'm a douchebag. | ||
| God, why did I think it was okay to pour the oil in this fucking drain? | ||
| And then I thought, that fucks with me today. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Still? | |
| Still, I think about it sometimes. | ||
| I think about it sometimes that I poured oil into the drain like a retard, and then this guy came by and go, yeah, that's a good place for that. | ||
| And then I was so dumb, I was like, yeah, it is a good place for it, right? | ||
| It fucks with you because you were into the environment or because he made you look stupid? | ||
| Because I was a retard. | ||
| Not because he made me look stupid, but I was stupid. | ||
| He probably thinks the same thing like that asshole. | ||
| I can't believe it. | ||
| He's probably dead, that old fuck. | ||
| It was a long time ago. | ||
| I like how you were uninformed. | ||
| Because you're uninformed, he becomes an old fuck. | ||
| Fuck you, you piece of shit. | ||
| Makes it funnier. | ||
| Do you know there's so many weird things like that? | ||
| I can't say that, gentlemen. | ||
| He's probably passed away. | ||
| There's so many weird things like that that you're not allowed to dispose of like that, too. | ||
| You're pouring it into the water, man. | ||
| It gets into the ocean. | ||
| But the crazy thing is that the oil that I put in is nothing compared to what's on the fucking road every day. | ||
| I mean, everybody's leaking oil. | ||
| You're driving up and down the street. | ||
| It rains. | ||
| It goes in the gutter. | ||
| It goes right in the ocean. | ||
| Don't justify it any way you have to. | ||
| No, I don't justify it. | ||
| I told you. | ||
| I'm ashamed to this day. | ||
| One time I was fishing. | ||
| I used to dump it in the woods. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I didn't know. | ||
| That's probably not as bad as putting it in the river. | ||
| I didn't know that you weren't supposed to do that. | ||
| But then I figured out they had this place down the street near the fire department. | ||
| They had this big, I don't know, it was this giant thing that you just dumped your oil in. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Back in the day when there wasn't computer chips and it was easy. | ||
| I was in the Charles River fishing once, and it was right across the street from my house where I lived in Boston, and I saw this bubbling in the water, and I couldn't figure out what the fuck it was. | ||
| I was looking, I was like, something's like bubbling, like water's coming up. | ||
| This is kind of crazy. | ||
| And then I saw a rubber. | ||
| And then I realized that what I was looking at was shit. | ||
| Some of it was shit. | ||
| It was a broken sewer pipe that was pouring directly into the river. | ||
| So every time people flush their toilets, shit and piss and rubbers and tampons were just floating in this fucking river. | ||
| Disgusting. | ||
| Unfinished medicine. | ||
| Oh, it was so nasty. | ||
| And I went a little bit further down. | ||
| There was a waterfall. | ||
| At the bottom of the waterfall, there was foam. | ||
| There was so much chemicals in the water that it made a thick white and yellow foam at the bottom of the water. | ||
| Yep, there you go. | ||
| That's Boston. | ||
| You know what's worse is like baby diapers in parking lots of like Target the other day I was at and there was fucking just these little squares where they like changed the diaper and they were like put it on the ground and stuff. | ||
| I got out and stepped right on it. | ||
| It's just like everywhere. | ||
| I see it all the time now. | ||
| That's just suburban landmine. | ||
| I apologize for that. | ||
| That's a big thing to do, I guess. | ||
| You don't want to keep it in your car while you drive home. | ||
| My car always has diapers in it. | ||
| My wife takes these diapers, wraps them up in these little bombs, and leaves them there. | ||
| And then I hop in my car. | ||
| My car smells like shit. | ||
| And I find those little diaper bombs everywhere. | ||
| Little piss bombs. | ||
| They're everywhere. | ||
| They're all over my fucking house. | ||
| It's that newborn smell. | ||
| It's not that bad. | ||
| My two-year-old has some pretty stinky poops, but... | ||
| At this point the kid's probably gone to like fucking McDonald's. | ||
| No. | ||
| Starting to screw up the colon. | ||
| I don't serve them shitty food. | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| She gets fries and stuff occasionally and ice cream occasionally but for the most part she eats healthy. | ||
| You know, if you get them into eating shitty food or make shitty food a big deal, make it exciting, you know, make it something special. | ||
| You know, that's why McDonald's is a fucking playground. | ||
| You drive by McDonald's, she sees these bright colors and tubes and slides and shit, and they just want to go in there. | ||
| But the food's fucking terrible. | ||
| If I ever have kids, I'm going to feed them shit food, make them fat so I can feel better about them. | ||
| I actually do it about myself. | ||
| You're the first person I've ever seen feed their kid octopus. | ||
| I was like, whoa, octopus. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| She likes it. | ||
| She enjoys it. | ||
| She asks for octopus. | ||
| People are like, your fucking kid's asking for octopus? | ||
| Yeah, I can't. | ||
| That's too fishy for me. | ||
| Too chewy. | ||
| Do you ever eat octopus sushi? | ||
| Yeah, I've tried it. | ||
| Damn, delicious. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| No, dude, that's when the hardcore Japanese guys giving you the fucking heads up like you know what you're doing. | ||
| Like the grosser it is, that means you're really into sushi. | ||
| I eat good nasty shit. | ||
| I eat sea urchin. | ||
| That's my other favorite. | ||
| Dude, I'm the classic American sushi. | ||
| I'm like, yeah, let me get a yellowtail hand roll, spicy. | ||
| California roll. | ||
| Yeah, tuna roll. | ||
| I keep it real... | ||
| Salmon. | ||
| Salmon avocado. | ||
| I keep it really... | ||
| Me too. | ||
| Even like eel. | ||
| Eel roll I like, but it's just something to... | ||
| Like tuna, I don't have any sort of guilt when I eat that, even though they're dying off. | ||
| But eel, it just seems like an unnecessary one to eat. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Eel? | |
| I like the eel sauce. | ||
| I don't like eel because of the sauce. | ||
| I only like sushi that you don't need sauce for. | ||
| I like yellowtail, tuna, that kind of shit. | ||
| How bad are the tuna going extinct? | ||
| Is that like a big deal? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Everything's going extinct because there's too many fucking people and we keep... | ||
| The problem is they make too much money off of us. | ||
| We're not people. | ||
| We're these things they make money off of. | ||
| So they need as much of us around. | ||
| Again, it's day. | ||
| It's always day. | ||
| All the animals are going to come back when the robots take over. | ||
| Just be like I Am Legend. | ||
| Deer running through the streets of Manhattan. | ||
| That kind of shit? | ||
| I don't think it'll be that bad, because they'll keep Manhattan, but it'll definitely be like in Jersey. | ||
| Jersey will all grow over. | ||
| I went to Colorado. | ||
| These people are useless. | ||
| I went to Colorado, and I was living there for four months, and when I came back, a deer had decided to make my backyard home in LA. It's right out here. | ||
| And every day, this deer would be wandering through my yard, chewing grass. | ||
| And they just decided that since nobody was here, there was no noise. | ||
| They just started moving in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Interesting. | |
| As soon as I moved back in, she stopped coming around. | ||
| But she could literally jump. | ||
| That fence is six feet high, and it's fucking wrought iron. | ||
| She would jump right over it. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It's got to be eight feet. | ||
| I know I've got a buddy of mine who has a problem with that, so he's got this eight-foot. | ||
| My cheek, you're really not that neighborly. | ||
| He's like, no, dude, I've got a kid. | ||
| And then the deer come in. | ||
| Yeah, they really do. | ||
| They hop right over a six-foot fence. | ||
| It's incredible to watch it. | ||
| It's like, doink! | ||
| They just fly through the air. | ||
| But they were moving in. | ||
| They were ready to take over. | ||
| You got a gun range out here? | ||
| I got a fake pig that I shoot arrows into. | ||
| Can we do that after the podcast? | ||
| Fuck yeah, son. | ||
| Can you teach me how to do that shit? | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| You want to shoot arrows? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm learning how to pick a lock. | ||
| I'm going to be one of those urban survivor guys. | ||
| Is it like a thousand degrees in this room? | ||
| It really is. | ||
| Let me go turn on the AC. Talk to these people while I turn on the AC. All right. | ||
| I'm learning how to pick a lock. | ||
| On YouTube. | ||
| I'm trying to learn how to hotwire a car. | ||
| YouTube's great for that shit. | ||
| Yeah, you can find... | ||
| Dude, I've taught myself how to play guitar, how to play drums. | ||
| I've watched people get knocked out, get kicked in the balls. | ||
| Hide a camera into the toilet paper roll thing inside of the bathroom. | ||
| I found out how to do that. | ||
| Oh, yeah, you can become a real fucking creep on YouTube. | ||
| That's what I love about the internet. | ||
| You really can just become the person that you, if you feel like, you know, I want to be better read, you can go to Wikipedia and see what morons think about the subject that you want to learn about. | ||
| Or if you want to add a little creepy shit to your personality, you can do that. | ||
| I want to learn how to pick a fucking lock. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just so I can do it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because I only know the credit card technique where you slide it in and that never works. | ||
| No, they were showing. | ||
| I was watching somebody. | ||
| First of all, you have to know how a lock works, what it is in there. | ||
| And this person, you know the little clip-on thing from the pen? | ||
| They'd somehow jam that in there and then take a hairpin. | ||
| I'm so full of shit. | ||
| I haven't learned. | ||
| I watched somebody do it, and now I want to try it. | ||
| That's basically it. | ||
| But the overhead is I have to buy a lock, so I haven't quite committed to it. | ||
| I'm going to buy the lock, and it's going to sit right on top of my fucking learn how to speak Spanish. | ||
| I figure if I'm breaking into a lock, I might as well kick the door in. | ||
| Yeah, but I don't have your martial art training. | ||
| Just let me kick a bag. | ||
| It's not going to move or hit you back. | ||
| It's not hard to kick a door. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Doors are easy. | ||
| That's why it's funny when you see a guy on those videos of cops breaking into doors, especially the old school ones from the 60s. | ||
| The guy's kicking the door over and over again. | ||
| He can't get it to break. | ||
| Doors are easy. | ||
| Oh, doors are easy? | ||
| Then how come he's not able to do it? | ||
| Because he's a faggot. | ||
| Well, there you go. | ||
| I never understood why they don't just go for the window. | ||
| There is something about, yeah. | ||
| Literally, he likes sex with the same... | ||
| Is that my water or yours? | ||
| This is empty. | ||
| I don't want to take a chance. | ||
| There's one behind your laptop. | ||
| Mine was right there. | ||
| You don't want to take a chance. | ||
| You're the one who busted out the fake asshole a minute into this podcast. | ||
| Well, I don't mean, when I say faggot, I don't mean faggot like as in a gay man. | ||
| You mean pussy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's one of my words I will not give up, no matter how much people give me shit about, you know, Louis C.K.'s got that big chunk on it. | ||
| I have a problem with that. | ||
| That word, to me, is not a gay slur. | ||
| You know what really drives me crazy? | ||
| When they're saying you can't say gay. | ||
| You can't say that's gay. | ||
| Like, it's offensive or insensitive. | ||
| Gay means lame. | ||
| Well, didn't it always mean joyful? | ||
| In the beginning it made, you know, like, have a gay old time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It meant happy. | |
| It means happy. | ||
| It meant happy. | ||
| The gay 90s, the 1890s. | ||
| Well, yeah, words changed. | ||
| And then it became homosexual. | ||
| And why can't they accept that it also means lame? | ||
| Because certain groups own words. | ||
| What if you spell it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
G-H-E-Y. Gays own gay. | |
| Jewish people own Holocaust. | ||
| You know that whole thing with Jim Jeffries? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Black people own dope. | |
| And white people own exquisite. | ||
| Were you on the ONA show when Jeffries was talking about his... | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| How ridiculous is that? | ||
| Jim Jeffries, a hilarious comedian, wanted to name his DVD Alcoholocost. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| And apparently it offended a bunch of Jewish people. | ||
| They got super upset. | ||
| I think it offended the ones who are in the group. | ||
| I think generally speaking, most people don't give a shit. | ||
| I don't know about that. | ||
| I would say that a lot of people who are Jewish would probably have a problem with that. | ||
| People are very, very sensitive to that. | ||
| They don't want you cracking jokes on something that fucked up their whole... | ||
| Well, yeah. | ||
| Well, he explained it, and he didn't even need to explain it. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| I didn't think he was making fun of Jewish people. | ||
| He was saying, like, he's drinking so much. | ||
| Yeah, that he's a holocaust. | ||
| He's having a holocaust of alcohol. | ||
| You can't own a word. | ||
| I mean, just calling something a holocaust. | ||
| Look, they need another word for what happened to the Jews in Nazi Germany. | ||
| I mean, it's a horrible, horrible thing, and it is a holocaust. | ||
| But it's not the only holocaust. | ||
| You can't own that word now. | ||
| You can't use a holocaust for anything else. | ||
| Yeah, they treat it like the Ohio State University. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The Holocaust. | ||
| It's trademarked. | ||
| It's a word to describe anything that's atrocious, anything that's horrible. | ||
| I mean, that's really what it is. | ||
| It's a word to describe a terrible disaster. | ||
| I've never looked it up. | ||
| I don't know what it means. | ||
| Well, let's look up the official term of Holocaust, Brian. | ||
| Tell us what it is. | ||
| Look up A and then look up the. | ||
| I mean, look, it's not that he's making light of this horrible situation. | ||
| That has happened to people. | ||
| It was a play on words. | ||
| But then he did make light. | ||
| And then he fucked up and said, they should get over it. | ||
| It was fucking 60 years ago. | ||
| Fucking get over it. | ||
| Yeah, I thought with the accent he'd get away with it. | ||
| Because it sounded cheeky. | ||
| Australia is the shit. | ||
| Have you ever done comedy over there? | ||
| Yeah, I did. | ||
| But it was a typical thing where it was like... | ||
| It was a three-day thing where they flew you over for one day. | ||
| They gave you a day to get fucking used to it. | ||
| And then you did the gig and then they flew you back. | ||
| I stuck around for a couple days... | ||
| That's kind of how I was in Sydney. | ||
| I was only in Sydney for a couple days, but I did a gig up there. | ||
| I wanted to see all those fucking snakes over there. | ||
| We saw the kangaroos. | ||
| You know there's kangaroos that kill people all the time? | ||
| There's these big giant fucking kangaroos called gray kangaroos, and they tell you if you run into gray kangaroos, you better leave. | ||
| Just get the fuck away from them. | ||
| They're super aggressive, and they're really big. | ||
| They're fucking 300 pound kangaroos. | ||
| They kick you in the stomach and fucking gore you. | ||
| Like Bugs Bunny. | ||
| They lean back on their tail and do that. | ||
| They do lean back on their tail and attack you, but they have claws, man. | ||
| They'll rip your fucking stomach apart. | ||
| They'll fuck you up. | ||
| When they get inside, I've watched enough UFC, that fucking elbow. | ||
| You gotta clinch. | ||
| It's the most important thing. | ||
| Gotta get that clinch. | ||
| You've got no space between you and them. | ||
| No, you've got to take the kangaroo to the ground. | ||
| They've got a great stand-up game. | ||
| They bounce right back to their feet, bro. | ||
| Don't even try. | ||
| But their fucking arms are too small to grapple. | ||
| If you've got the underhooks, you've got the underhooks. | ||
| But you've got to go Randy Couture style. | ||
| We just press them up against a tree and work them up with knees. | ||
| Hey, does racking balls work on animals? | ||
| Racking balls? | ||
| Yeah, like if you rack a dog's balls, do they go, ooh, at all? | ||
| Or are we the only ones? | ||
| I think it hurts them, but I think when an animal gets into that state where they're attacking and trying to kill you, they don't think about pain the way people do. | ||
| I've seen dogs fight with each other, and they're wagging their tail like happy. | ||
| Meanwhile, they're ripping each other's faces apart, especially pit bulls. | ||
| Pit bulls, they don't seem to experience any pain when they fight. | ||
| They seem to just do it and then think about the pain later. | ||
| They block it out somehow. | ||
| I would not count on kicking a dog in the balls. | ||
| If a dog is attacking you, your best move is to choke it unconscious. | ||
| I wonder if there's videos of monkeys getting racked. | ||
| Monkeys, I'm sure it would suck. | ||
| They know it sucks because when they attack people, when chimps attack people, they go for your balls. | ||
| That's one of the number one things they do. | ||
| They try to eat your genitalia. | ||
| They rip your balls off and they usually twist your foot off too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Take your fingers off. | ||
| They bite people's fingers off. | ||
| They go for your balls. | ||
| They try to blind you. | ||
| They try to take away everything that makes you human. | ||
| All your valuable assets. | ||
| Your ability to control things. | ||
| Your ability to use your dick. | ||
| I fucking... | ||
| I fucking... | ||
| I hate monkeys. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Just something about them. | ||
| I don't like them. | ||
| Chimps are scary as fuck. | ||
| I don't mind chimps. | ||
| I don't mind gorillas. | ||
| But those little fucking throwing shit at you. | ||
| Spider monkeys. | ||
| I just don't fucking like them. | ||
| I think it's from Indiana Jones. | ||
| Because that monkey was a dick. | ||
| And ever since then, I've hated small monkeys. | ||
| They're always dicks. | ||
| The organ grinder guy from back when I was a kid down in Faneuil Hall. | ||
| They were always... | ||
| Granted, they had to wear that stupid bellboy outfit. | ||
| So they probably weren't in a good mood. | ||
| But they were always creepy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I grew up with a monkey. | ||
| Not my monkey. | ||
| My grandmother's monkey. | ||
| My grandmother had a monkey? | ||
| My grandmother had a monkey named Chi-Chi, and Chi-Chi lived in the attic. | ||
| And you couldn't have Chi-Chi around people because Chi-Chi would bite you. | ||
| Chi-Chi would chew gum. | ||
| She would give Chi-Chi gum, and he would unwrap the gum and put it in his mouth. | ||
| But he only liked my grandmother and didn't trust anybody else. | ||
| And if anybody got near him, Chi-Chi would attack you. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| When I was in Costa Rica, I had a monkey... | ||
| My grandmother was fucking crazy. | ||
| A monkey jumped on my back. | ||
| It was like the monkey that they had in the area, okay? | ||
| In the compound where I was staying. | ||
| Jumped on my back. | ||
| Hooked its tail around my neck. | ||
| And so now it's inverted, hanging upside down, went right in my pocket, took my hotel keys, and then went up the tree in like two seconds. | ||
| And I'm literally standing there like, did that just fucking happen? | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| So now I'm sitting there, and I got some fucking, I don't know, some sort of Costa Rican Kiwi trying to get this fucking monkey to come down. | ||
| I forget it. | ||
| I remember I fucking, my human brain outdid his monkey brain. | ||
| And I got it back. | ||
| And I did a quick switcheroo, and I ran... | ||
| Because it was on a chain, and I was able to just get away, and the thing was so pissed. | ||
| As I was running away, I just heard it go, ah! | ||
| It just fucking screamed at me, pissed. | ||
| They get mad. | ||
| I was like, yeah, there you go, you fucker. | ||
| Well, that's what happens in India. | ||
| They steal things from people, and then they want you to give them food back. | ||
| You give them food, and they give you whatever they took from you. | ||
| They make deals with people. | ||
| Do they kill animals over there? | ||
| They've killed people. | ||
| Oh, they're into cows. | ||
| The mayor of one of the towns in India got killed by monkeys recently, like within the last couple of years. | ||
| They fucking swarmed his ass, just jacked him. | ||
| What's the monkeys with the big, puffy tumors on their face? | ||
| That's like the pit tumors on their face. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The monkey problem. | ||
| You know, like the ones that have, is it orangutan? | ||
| Yeah, the weird crazy head. | ||
| Those things are crazy. | ||
| How about baboons? | ||
| They look like half a dog, half a monkey. | ||
| That's a weird animal. | ||
| Baboons eat babies too, man. | ||
| So do chimps. | ||
| Chimps will eat babies. | ||
| If you leave babies around and chimps see them, they'll eat them. | ||
| Yeah, they're still not worse than bankers. | ||
| Have you ever seen the video of the chimp eating the monkey? | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| They're finally realizing that they do that. | ||
| And they also, they sort of all talk shit after they do it. | ||
| They feel like they start beating their chest. | ||
| They're very... | ||
| They're ruthless motherfuckers. | ||
| I thought for the longest time it was orangutan, like the orange drink. | ||
| No, it's tan. | ||
| I still did. | ||
| Well, that's also Neanderthal. | ||
| Neanderthal is not really Neanderthal. | ||
| It's Neanderthal. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, it's named after a part of France. | ||
| That's where they found the first skeletons. | ||
| They've been saying recently that people are, most people or a good percentage of people have Neanderthal genetics in them and that we somehow or another absorb them. | ||
| I do. | ||
| Look at my forehead. | ||
| I got a Frankenstein forehead, dude. | ||
| My eyebrows. | ||
| Like, look at that ultimate doom. | ||
| Tell me I don't have the same brow. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| It's that fucking thing. | ||
| Your brow is nothing. | ||
| I want to show you my dentist. | ||
| My dentist is so freaky. | ||
| I will drive you over to his office just to say hi, just so you can see his head. | ||
| Really? | ||
| His fucking forehead. | ||
| Switch dentist, man. | ||
| It sticks out like this far. | ||
| Like no bullshit. | ||
| It doesn't even look real. | ||
| It looks like he's wearing a Klingon plate. | ||
| Like you put a Klingon plate from fucking Star Wars The Next Generation. | ||
| Put it on his head. | ||
| I mean, it really looks like that. | ||
| He's just got these deeps. | ||
| His eyes, no bullshit, are like that deep into his head. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| My dentist is kind of crazy. | ||
| My dentist is like that. | ||
| What's that movie, People Under the Stairs or whatever, where Danny... | ||
| I should say this in case my dentist is listening. | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| Look, I'm not fucking perfect either. | ||
| I look like a chimp. | ||
| I'm not the best looking guy in the world. | ||
| It's too late. | ||
| Those guys are all depressed. | ||
| He's a very nice guy. | ||
| He's a very nice guy, but he's got a big crazy forehead. | ||
| That's just a fact. | ||
| I didn't name any names. | ||
| You know what's funny about that shit with that big forehead? | ||
| I wonder if that affects that light that they have on their head. | ||
| If it's like too far and it just shines on the back of your head. | ||
| It's kind of adjusted. | ||
| It's too far in. | ||
| He's got to point it like straight down. | ||
| Do they even use that or am I thinking of minors? | ||
| I think dentists probably use that shit too. | ||
| Digging deep in your mouth? | ||
| They should, right? | ||
| Yeah, that's a rough job. | ||
| My dentist hypnotizes me. | ||
| There's a part where they check for cancer. | ||
| I don't know if your dentists do that where they go, okay, so this is where your so-and-so gland is. | ||
| Your dentist is broke. | ||
| Does your dentist stick his fingers in your mouth and you start sucking his fingers? | ||
| No. | ||
| He pulls his dick out and then you wake up and you're like, What happened? | ||
| Oh, did you ever see that guy? | ||
| Oh, that would feel girls up when you put them under? | ||
| Yeah, and they busted him. | ||
| They busted us. | ||
| And what I loved about that guy is you could so tell he never got arrested for anything in his life. | ||
| And he just, he just like, he just, you saw it in his whole body. | ||
| He was just like, okay, like the girl was under, right? | ||
| And she kept waking up feeling like her... | ||
| Bra wasn't right the way it should have been. | ||
| So they basically get her to go in there again to go under. | ||
| And they drilled in from like the CVS next door or some shit. | ||
| And they got this camera. | ||
| So he starts fucking... | ||
| Second, he starts sitting. | ||
| He seems like, yeah, I'm gonna go have a tits. | ||
| And he has all this type of shit. | ||
| And then immediately all these SWAT guys come in. | ||
| And he goes literally from that to, eh, my life's over. | ||
| And he's just fucking shoulder slumped. | ||
| Dragged out. | ||
| Can you imagine what happened to that guy in prison? | ||
| You're going in as a fucking sex offender dentist who probably hasn't had a fight since the third grade. | ||
| No gang affiliation. | ||
| He would have to join one. | ||
| Who would take him? | ||
| You've got to be somebody's bitch the first night. | ||
| Yeah, you've got to suck some cock right away. | ||
| You've got to put on a dress. | ||
| You think of some guys in prison like, what the fuck is going to happen to Bernie Madoff? | ||
| What's going on with that guy in prison? | ||
| They must be beating the fuck out of him. | ||
| Nah, that's white collar. | ||
| Guys who are getting out, he's probably holding court. | ||
| Is he in a white collar prison, you think? | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| He probably can get fresco. | ||
| Despite the fact that his felonies were so egregious? | ||
| Because they're not violent, they don't give a shit. | ||
| So in all non-violent offenses, they put them with other non-violent people? | ||
| I don't know how it works, dude. | ||
| I just know if you're rich, you don't go to real jail. | ||
| But he actually fucked... | ||
| The problem was not how much money he took, was, I think, who he took it from. | ||
| And they had as much influence, if not more, as he did. | ||
| So he actually got life in prison. | ||
| You think that's unusual? | ||
| I just pulled that on my ass. | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| No fucking idea. | ||
| You think it's unusual that he got life in prison? | ||
| I mean, what he did was, I mean, fucking $50 billion. | ||
| You gotta put him in jail for life. | ||
| There's no way he's gonna pay that back. | ||
| I mean, what would be... | ||
| Oh, did you see that thing in Rolling Stone this month? | ||
| Matt Taibbi's article? | ||
| It was the one about those kids, the biggest, like, internet... | ||
| Cyberspace crime ever? | ||
| Yeah, I haven't read that yet. | ||
| Oh, you gotta read that shit. | ||
| It'll make you super paranoid about where you use your credit card. | ||
| These guys would sit outside the mall. | ||
| This was their hacky way they first did it. | ||
| Would sit there in a car with like a fucking eight-foot antenna. | ||
| And they somehow tap in to whatever that shit in the fucking air is. | ||
| You know, that computer shit. | ||
| The satellite thing. | ||
| We're back to that. | ||
| And as you use the credit cards, somehow they would break into the system or something. | ||
| I don't know what the fuck. | ||
| I can't even explain it. | ||
| I'm too fucking dumb. | ||
| But even for a guy like me, it was fascinating. | ||
| So there was some sort of a wireless transmission of your credit card information? | ||
| You're in there. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Buying a thermal. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| All right? | ||
| And you swipe your card, and as they're putting it into the system, or as you swipe it, somehow they're tapped into this shit through the fucking air. | ||
| It's literally like magic. | ||
| Like all those years of people pulling out rabbits out of hats, and it was all bullshit. | ||
| These guys, I don't know how the fuck they were doing it. | ||
| So they would do that, and then they were like, alright, this is bullshit, it's too risky. | ||
| They somehow, then they took it to the next level, and they got into the main... | ||
| Database. | ||
| Database. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you. | |
| I needed a word. | ||
| I'll go with that. | ||
| The main database of like all the Macy's or whatever. | ||
| You got people's credit card numbers and jacked them. | ||
| Yeah, they got like, I don't know. | ||
| What number am I saying? | ||
| I'm going to say 50 million credit cards. | ||
| Well, if you think the banks are totally corrupt, do you think that the banks would hack into people's shit on purpose? | ||
| Like hire people to hack into people's shit? | ||
| Well, this is what I think about. | ||
| I don't think... | ||
| This is what I don't like. | ||
| It's not my money. | ||
| It's their money. | ||
| And they give it to me and my job is to get in debt with it. | ||
| And if I don't, then they just fucking take it from me. | ||
| That's basically what happens. | ||
| Right, but I mean the hackers. | ||
| Hackers? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You know how the CIA has always been accused of selling drugs, and the argument for it is the bad guy is going to sell drugs no matter what you do. | ||
| The CIA takes that money and uses it for covert operations to protect Americans, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. | ||
| The CIA has always sold drugs, and that's just the way it is. | ||
| Do you think that the bankers would get involved in hacker activity just because they figured, look, someone's going to do this, we're going to do this? | ||
| At this point, it might be another... | ||
| They just look at everything as revenue streams. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't think that they look at shit. | ||
| Well, that'd be weird because they would be sabotaging themselves. | ||
| But this is my question. | ||
| I'm always looking at these hacker things. | ||
| But I really don't think bankers are above stealing. | ||
| No, of course they're not above stealing. | ||
| But I always look at these hacker situations and I go, okay, you hear about this fucking Russian teenager made $50 million in a year in his basement and then he started an empire, blah, blah, blah, and he was just a hacker. | ||
| Well, if I'm reading about this, there's got to be some people that are rich and powerful and recognize that $50 million is some real money. | ||
| And if this goofball kid in his fucking basement is making that kind of money, is there a way they can do that? | ||
| I mean, is there any of this shit? | ||
| Well, I don't think that they have to hack into their own system. | ||
| I think that they do it. | ||
| They steal from the people who put money, us, the customers, they steal through like fees. | ||
| Well, they definitely do that, too. | ||
| I think they're going to risk what they have for doing hacker shit. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| If this guy's super rich, he's not going to risk everything he has. | ||
| Maybe not in America, but I bet in some other countries they're pulling some shit off. | ||
| There's something about that shit, though, where I find that that type of shit is so fascinating. | ||
| You learn how to pick a lock. | ||
| The bullshit that I'm doing is no big deal. | ||
| But those guys who can actually hack their way... | ||
| I tell you, what's even more interesting is that if you go on YouTube, there's ways to show you how to get those things that you put on ATMs at the gas pump, and there's videos showing how to do it and where to buy them. | ||
| It's like this thing that fits over the credit card slot at your gas pump, and there's a little camera that you tape into the corner. | ||
| I'll tell you right now, that's why you never use your fucking ATM card. | ||
| Because that's your money. | ||
| They get that shit, they get your money. | ||
| They get your fucking credit card. | ||
| That's Citibank's money. | ||
| So then they'll call you up and be like, you know, did you buy a tank top in Kansas City? | ||
| No, I did not. | ||
| You ever get that? | ||
| You ever be on the road so much? | ||
| I used to be on the road like they would constantly be shutting my credit card off and not realizing that I was a comedian. | ||
| They'd be like, did you get a lap dance in Toronto? | ||
| Yes, I did. | ||
| Did you get chicken wings two days later in St. Louis? | ||
| Yes, I did. | ||
| And they're finally like, what do you do? | ||
| I'm a comedian. | ||
| I'm on a college tour. | ||
| Yeah, you should never do debit either. | ||
| You should always do credit card, you know, where they always try to trick you to put in your PIN. And you're like, no, I'm not putting in my PIN. Run it as a credit card. | ||
| Don't ever do that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because then it also protects your shit for 30 days, too. | ||
| Yeah, fuck that. | ||
| Fuck all that, dude. | ||
| And they're trying to make it cashless. | ||
| Cash is the shit. | ||
| Cash is anonymous. | ||
| We gotta go back to one piece of gold equals one donkey. | ||
| That's what we gotta go back to. | ||
| You fucking bite a piece of it off to get some potatoes. | ||
| You gotta get something for something. | ||
| Your money has to represent something. | ||
| The problem is our money doesn't actually represent anything. | ||
| It's just an idea. | ||
| It's just confidence. | ||
| We have confidence that $100 is worth $100. | ||
| But it doesn't represent $100 that's worth a gold that's sitting in a vault somewhere. | ||
| Why can't we just keep that confidence? | ||
| I'm alright with it. | ||
| Dude, I like your Hall of Fame of fucking geese you have in there. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| I'm looking into Joe's walk-in closet right now. | ||
| Most people have fucking jerseys from sports they never played. | ||
| That's his Dexter trophies. | ||
| Yeah, he still has like dried blood from some kid he fucking hammer-fisted back in his Revere days. | ||
| Those are all my Taekwondo medals on the doorknob. | ||
| That's all shit from the 80s. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Dude, that was one of my favorite... | ||
| Some things I've kept from my other life. | ||
| Yeah, that's one of my favorite fucking responses. | ||
| I was on his... | ||
| I think it was your website way back in the day and some kid was giving him shit. | ||
| So Joe, you know, just blast them. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| You're just a fucking loser. | ||
| And the kid writes, oh, what do you mean I'm a fucking loser? | ||
| He goes, I'm only 20 years old. | ||
| Blah, blah, blah, blah. | ||
| What were you doing at 20? | ||
| And Joe's like, I was a national champion in Taekwondo, you fucking loser. | ||
| You're like one of the few guys who was actually a success before they got into this shit. | ||
| Well, I was, but I definitely wasn't a financial success. | ||
| That's why I knew... | ||
| You weren't doing a Taekwondo tour? | ||
| I was teaching. | ||
| I was teaching at Boston University. | ||
| I was teaching at BU when I was 19. I taught at Boston University. | ||
| That's not normal. | ||
| That's way above most people. | ||
| Were you banging half the broads in your class? | ||
| I fucked a few of them. | ||
| I fucked one of them. | ||
| One of them, she was so hot. | ||
| I don't want to say her name, but she was this really hot Latina chick. | ||
| And then I saw her again like three years ago. | ||
| And she wasn't the type of girl to work out. | ||
| She was just the type of girl that, you know, when she was young, she was 19. When I was 19, she was just getting by on her looks. | ||
| But now she's like 41 and she doesn't exercise and it was so sad. | ||
| She's probably sad to see me too. | ||
| I was a fucking handsome looking fellow when I was younger. | ||
| I'm this old broken down man. | ||
| Joe coming in at 19 to teach the class. | ||
| He probably did that Jean-Claude Van Damme fucking split. | ||
| Between two desks, and that was it. | ||
| He fucking ran through the whole class. | ||
| From that year, from 15 until I was 21, I was literally... | ||
| All I did was fight. | ||
| All I did was train and fight. | ||
| That's all I did. | ||
| I didn't have any social life. | ||
| I had a girlfriend here and there. | ||
| They would always get sick of me and break up with me and whatever. | ||
| But all I did was train and fight. | ||
| I didn't party. | ||
| I didn't drink. | ||
| Very rarely did I drink. | ||
| I smoked pot twice, from like 15 to 21. That's all I did was fight. | ||
| I was completely out of my head. | ||
| And I went from that, from going to Taekwondo, straight into going to comedy. | ||
| Kickboxing. | ||
| I had three kickboxing fights, and then I went right into comedy. | ||
| Because I knew I was going nowhere. | ||
| There's no money in it. | ||
| Was your opening stand-up, was it about fighting? | ||
| No, I never talked about it. | ||
| Was it really intense? | ||
| It was like, hello, this is my comedy. | ||
| No, I tried to do it. | ||
| I figure you've got to talk about your life. | ||
| No, I never talked about that. | ||
| No one wants to think that some fucking guy's a martial arts champion. | ||
| That's the thing, because he was actually good at it. | ||
| You've got to have low self-esteem. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| You could say, you know, if you could say, oh, I fought in a tag window tournament once, and I fought on Friday, and when I finally woke up on Tuesday, you know, after some guy kicked me in the fucking head. | ||
| Yeah, so now I'm doing comedy. | ||
| Yeah, everybody would like that. | ||
| You can't say that, oh, so I fucking kicked this dude in the head and knocked him into a coma. | ||
| That's not funny. | ||
| Dude, but when I started out, though, there was like, you know, because all those headliners didn't leave, we were like, how the fuck do you end up headlining? | ||
| We were looking at the only guys who kind of busted through. | ||
| It was you and Anthony Clark. | ||
| With the two guys at the time who had actually somehow gotten past the old boy network. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, they left. | ||
| Anthony was one of the... | ||
| And Nick DePaulo left, too. | ||
| They just left. | ||
| You had to leave. | ||
| You can't stay in Boston. | ||
| It was so intoxicating because you could make a living. | ||
| You could be in Boston, and even if you were a nobody, you could grind out $500 a week. | ||
| You could do here, do here, as long as you're willing to drive and travel. | ||
| If you had $500 cash a week, you could pay for your bills, you could eat. | ||
| But if you wanted to try to go on the road, man... | ||
| Good fucking luck. | ||
| No TV credits, no nothing, just some guy from Boston. | ||
| How much are they going to pay you? | ||
| But your fucking gas, your airfare is going to eat up all your profits. | ||
| It's fucking hard. | ||
| What do you think now? | ||
| Because I just went back to Boston. | ||
| Have you been back there lately? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| It's sad. | ||
| There's nothing going on there now. | ||
| It's the fucking... | ||
| The Comedy Connection's a theater now, you know? | ||
| It's that big Wilbur Theater. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Comedy Connection used to be 150 seats. | ||
| That badass little room. | ||
| And now it's, you know... | ||
| No, but they reopened that right up the street. | ||
| The old Charles Street Playhouse. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| What's it now? | ||
| Ah, what the fuck is it called? | ||
| I can't remember. | ||
| There's a small one in Faneuil Hall called Motley's. | ||
| I did that one. | ||
| Is that Tim McKenzie's place? | ||
| I can't remember. | ||
| I ran through all of them. | ||
| That was like an 85-seater. | ||
| I did Dick Doherty's Comedy Vault, where I put together, basically polished up my first five minutes of material ever, so I always go down there. | ||
| The vault. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I did the vault. | |
| Oh, yeah, dude. | ||
| I fucking love that place. | ||
| And this is the thing. | ||
| It hasn't changed... | ||
| I remember when that place started. | ||
| This is how fucking old I am now. | ||
| And now they just celebrated. | ||
| Tim McIntyre. | ||
| Did I say Tim McKenzie? | ||
| I'm sorry if he's listening. | ||
| Tim McIntyre. | ||
| I think it started in 93. Yeah. | ||
| What, The Vault? | ||
| The Vault's earlier than that, son. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| The Vault? | ||
| Dick Daugherty's Comedy Vault? | ||
| Let me tell you something. | ||
| That shit was around in the 80s. | ||
| Because in 88, when I was around, the Dick Daugherty Comedy Vault was around. | ||
| Dick Daugherty's Comedy Vault. | ||
| At Remington's? | ||
| Yeah, that fucking bank. | ||
| It's like a bank. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It's a vault. | ||
| I thought Spike Tobin was the first guy who opened that shit up. | ||
| Might have reopened it. | ||
| Might have reopened it. | ||
| Okay, that's what it is. | ||
| It might have went under and they brought it back. | ||
| But Dick Daugherty's Comedy Vault was a staple back when I was living there. | ||
| And I moved out of Boston in like 92. Yeah, you were gone before. | ||
| Right when I started, you were already gone. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What the fuck was I working at? | ||
| I think I was... | ||
| First time I saw... | ||
| I saw you at the Kowloon. | ||
| Oh, that place. | ||
| That was a good place. | ||
| Yeah, that place. | ||
| Chinese food and comedy. | ||
| Chinese food and comedy is a weird combination that exists in Boston. | ||
| Like, the biggest... | ||
| The most famous historical comedy club in Boston was the Ding Ho. | ||
| It was a Chinese restaurant that they had comedy out of. | ||
| And now the only place that exists is that place that Rick Jenkins runs. | ||
| He runs a place in Cambridge. | ||
| Yeah, and that's another... | ||
| A Chinese restaurant. | ||
| A Chinese restaurant in the upstate. | ||
| The Comedy Lab, is that what they call it? | ||
| Yeah, remember the Aku Aku's? | ||
| Yeah, Aku Aku. | ||
| And then the other place is Mike Clark's place, Giggles and Saugus. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But there's more work in Boston, or at least there was, like just little road gigs, an hour drive here, hour drive there, more of those in that area than anywhere else in the country. | ||
| When I would talk to guys from other places, and then I'm like, where's your road gigs? | ||
| Where do you go for road gigs? | ||
| Oh, you know, sometimes I do Ohio. | ||
| Sometimes, like, what do you got? | ||
| No, don't you have gigs around here? | ||
| Like, no one could make a living around there. | ||
| Yeah, but half of that was because nobody would start, like, I don't know what it was about. | ||
| People would just start rooms. | ||
| Do you remember Bob Marley out of Maine? | ||
| He came down like a fully formed fucking headliner just because he had, like, 25 rooms going up in Maine. | ||
| Like, he started basically, it was like McDonald's, but he started with, like, Comrie's. | ||
| He used to tell me... | ||
| When he was living up there, and it was getting so big, he actually ended up leaving because he almost became, I think, kind of almost like a club owner at that point. | ||
| He could have done it, but he basically started the comedy scene up there. | ||
| Because before that, all they had was the connection, but like... | ||
| Portland. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And he had, at any given time... | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was before that. | |
| I used to do gigs in Bangor, and Bob would do guest spots and shit when he was first starting out. | ||
| I don't know if you know how famous he is in Maine. | ||
| Do you know how big he is? | ||
| If you don't know who Bob Marley is, he's a very funny guy. | ||
| Very nice guy. | ||
| I've known him for fucking 20 plus years. | ||
| Always been just a great guy. | ||
| But when he first started out, he probably started out in 89 or 90. There's no one known for being from Maine. | ||
| There's no one Maine comic that stands out. | ||
| But Bart Marley in anywhere else in the country is like, people might have heard of him, you might have heard him on XM radio, you might have seen him on Comedy Central or something. | ||
| In Maine, that motherfucker is huge. | ||
| There's probably no comparison. | ||
| It's like Gabriel Iglesias in LA is giant. | ||
| Gabriel Iglesias does shows in LA. Well, he'll do like five shows on a Monday night, like something fucking nutty and sell out every one like days and days in advance. | ||
| That's how he is. | ||
| Nobody else is like that. | ||
| Yeah, no. | ||
| He used to go... | ||
| I remember he used to tell me... | ||
| He would basically... | ||
| He'd be in LA auditioning. | ||
| And then every year, right as the holidays came around, he would make like 10 times what I made on the road in that month. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Probably shouldn't be talking about his money. | ||
| But yeah, he would just go up there and do parties. | ||
| And then he'd do the New Year's thing. | ||
| Dude, this movie was like eight years in. | ||
| He would do like a 1,500, 2,000 theater. | ||
| And he'd be doing like adding shows and shit. | ||
| Yeah, and doing all this Maine material, you know? | ||
| So much Maine. | ||
| Like, I was listening to him on the radio the other day. | ||
| It was on XM Radio. | ||
| I was doing all these Maine jokes. | ||
| And he was doing them in Maine. | ||
| They were going crazy. | ||
| They were fucking going nuts for it. | ||
| No, and he also, dude, he has, like, a box set. | ||
| That's how many albums this dude has put out. | ||
| He's put out, like, 16 albums. | ||
| 14 albums. | ||
| Fucking unbelievable. | ||
| That's incredible. | ||
| The amount. | ||
| Hours. | ||
| 14 hours of fucking material. | ||
| Have you ever heard of anybody else who's done that? | ||
| Have you ever heard of anybody else who just nailed it in one area like that? | ||
| No, there's a couple. | ||
| Wait, who's the guy down there? | ||
| Nobody like that, though. | ||
| Not like that, but wasn't there a... | ||
| I always hear of those guys when you'd be down south. | ||
| Killer Bees. | ||
| Remember her? | ||
| Killer Bees guys, and there was one or two other guys who, south of the Mason-Dixon line, would just absolutely, if you just put their name up, they would sell like a thousand tickets. | ||
| A few of those guys. | ||
| But I don't think there's any one guy that's got a state nailed like Bob Marley does, and he created it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it's a state that's proud to be that state too. | ||
| That's a part of the whole key to it. | ||
| He's actually from Maine and the people in Maine are proud to be from Maine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like a big deal. | |
| Somebody's getting an idea. | ||
| There's a comedian right now in like South Dakota. | ||
| Trying to put it together. | ||
| Just be like, dude, I could run this fucking town. | ||
| State. | ||
| Whatever the hell I'm trying to say. | ||
| Does anybody give a fuck about being from South Dakota though? | ||
| That's right there. | ||
| Who gave a fuck about being from Maine? | ||
| A lot of Maine people. | ||
| You ever talk shit about Maine people in Maine? | ||
| Yeah, but people in South Dakota, they give a fuck about being there. | ||
| Not as much as Maine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've done dates in Maine. | |
| I was in North Dakota and they were all right when Fargo came out. | ||
| I was like, we don't talk like that. | ||
| That's fucking bullshit. | ||
| It's like, well, you think we talk like Cliff Clavin on chairs? | ||
| We don't. | ||
| A lot of us do. | ||
| Kind of do. | ||
| Boston people? | ||
| No, he fucked that accent up. | ||
| He would go, hey there. | ||
| He'd go, hey there, Nami. | ||
| It's Norm. | ||
| It's not Nam. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Everything was parked the car, so they put an A. All you do is take the R out. | ||
| Instead of Norm, it's Norm. | ||
| Yeah, it wasn't a good Boston accent. | ||
| Am I really picking him apart? | ||
| You gotta get someone from Boston. | ||
| Poor Norm. | ||
| Did you hear he went on the Opie and Anthony show and apparently they fucking kicked him off? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's got some beer book he's putting out now. | ||
| George Wendt, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Not George Wendt. | ||
| I'm talking to the other guy. | ||
| Yeah, George Wendt was Norm. | ||
| The mailman. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And the mailman was Cliff. | ||
| The beer guy, if someone was going to put out a beer book, it would have been Norm. | ||
| It would have been George Wendt. | ||
| Yeah, well, George Wendt was on the Opie and Anthony show, and I don't know what happened, but it was very unenthusiastic, and they wound up kicking him out. | ||
| Oh, because he was unenthusiastic. | ||
| I don't know what happened. | ||
| I'm as informed as you are about the economy. | ||
| Dude, those fucking guys, I always get excited. | ||
| Oh, they had so-and-so on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How did it go? | |
| John Ratzinger. | ||
| Fucking Jimmy went in the other room and started prank calling him. | ||
| You heard Jimmy with Jesse Ventura? | ||
| That's my favorite. | ||
| That's my favorite. | ||
| He fucking destroyed him. | ||
| He crushed him. | ||
| Thank you for your service to our country. | ||
| And he was saluting him. | ||
| Dude, I thought for once I was actually going to see Jesse in a real fight. | ||
| After all those years of watching him fake fight. | ||
| I was in Vietnam. | ||
| Where were you? | ||
| It's got to be one of those weird fucking stupid bullying things. | ||
| Norton hates it when someone tries to bully him. | ||
| You know, when someone just demands respect without fucking proving your point. | ||
| Put your fucking point. | ||
| And he gets crazy and just chewed him up. | ||
| I thought it was awesome. | ||
| Oh, it was hilarious. | ||
| It was the combination of awesome and then also he was beating him so bad. | ||
| I felt bad for Jesse. | ||
| I was like, Jesse, tap out. | ||
| Well, Jesse's got this... | ||
| Walk away and he did. | ||
| Yeah, he did. | ||
| He left. | ||
| It was so stupid. | ||
| He's got this weird conspiracy... | ||
| Oh, and Jimmy was going, oh, so you fucking leave? | ||
| So you're gonna fucking leave? | ||
| And he's leaving! | ||
| And it's just like, oh, God, Jesse. | ||
| It looked ugly at the end, though, like he was thinking about doing something, like throwing something at him or yelling at him. | ||
| Oh, I was so hoping because Kenny was right there, and I always wanted to see Kenny in action. | ||
| You know he would just go old-school dirty cop on him. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| Well, you know, Jesse's got bad hips. | ||
| Jesse's another one of those wrestlers that had hip replacement surgery. | ||
| A lot of them have their hips replaced. | ||
| Dude, you know Hulk is like three inches shorter? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| From all those years of jumping up and landing on his ass. | ||
| He's had a bunch of spine operations, right? | ||
| Yeah, because when I saw him, I was like, this guy's not that tall, but his fucking arms were hanging down below his knees. | ||
| This guy looks like a fucking gorilla. | ||
| And then I read his... | ||
| Well, I don't know where the fuck I saw it. | ||
| It said he used to be 6'7", and now he's 6'4". | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| There's a huge difference. | ||
| 6'4", he used to play college ball. | ||
| 6'7". | ||
| That's three inches off of his spine. | ||
| I wonder how many he's got fused. | ||
| A lot of guys get their shit fused, man. | ||
| That's a big thing in MMA right now. | ||
| Tito Ortiz just had his neck vertebrae fused. | ||
| And there's a bunch of guys that have had their back fused. | ||
| Can he fight anymore after that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I mean, it really depends on how he recovers. | ||
| But it's some serious, serious shit. | ||
| You sure it wasn't just hairspray and heels? | ||
| Or something like that with Hulk Hogan? | ||
| No, that guy's had serious back surgery. | ||
| More than one. | ||
| Who's the guy that hangs out at the comedy store all the time, or he was for a while? | ||
| Roddy Roddy Piper. | ||
| Roddy Piper. | ||
| No, he's doing stand-up now. | ||
| He's telling stories. | ||
| That's so weird. | ||
| Steve Simone's going on the road with him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know Steve Simone? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-oh. | |
| Steve Simone's a comic out of the comedy store who's a huge fucking wrestling fan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huge. | |
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Really good guy, too. | ||
| Really good guy. | ||
| And he goes on the road with Roddy Roddy Piper and does a little stand-up. | ||
| Then Roddy Roddy tells his story. | ||
| Apparently, it's a hit. | ||
| Oh yeah, dude, this should really let your listeners know why I don't know shit about banking. | ||
| I actually ordered on Amazon the hard copy version of Ric Flair's autobiography. | ||
| To beat the man, you gotta be the man. | ||
| No, to be the man, you gotta beat the man. | ||
| Dude, it's just a fucking awesome book. | ||
| Dude, Ric Flair... | ||
| Have you ever watched his clips? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, I've seen his clips. | ||
| One of the funniest fucking dudes ever. | ||
| Great showman. | ||
| Yeah, and he's just like a comedian where they say, do you have writers... | ||
| You know, people write this, and he goes, writers? | ||
| He goes, dude, I used to come up with half that shit on the cab ride over from the airport. | ||
| I'm like, that's just like a comedian. | ||
| He's just sitting there. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| He just gets loose. | ||
| He sees something, and he just says, fuck this. | ||
| Dude, he's got a couple where he's so into it, like you think he's going to pass out. | ||
| And when he's yelling at people in the veins, the way his eyes bulge out, he's got one where he keeps going, I inherit it, and his voice keeps cracking. | ||
| He's screaming, so I inherit it! | ||
| What are you talking about that born with a golden spoon in his mouth? | ||
| Dude, I'll be on the road, depressed, like, oh my god, I hate this, and I'll just start watching Ric Flair videos, and I'll just start laughing my fucking ass off going, this is what it's about! | ||
| This is why you do it! | ||
| That guy, he's the shit! | ||
| Ric Flair is fucking awesome. | ||
| My favorite wrestling video is that John Stossel video where John Stossel's talking to... | ||
| I don't remember what the wrestler was. | ||
| Telling him about, you know, that what you do is fake. | ||
| And he fucking slaps him in the head like full blast. | ||
| Slaps him in his ear and drops him. | ||
| He goes, is that fake? | ||
| Does that feel fake? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You telling me what's fake? | |
| And he gets up. | ||
| Bam! | ||
| He slaps him in the other ear and drops him again. | ||
| And he gets up and runs out of there. | ||
| What was the one that was like... | ||
| Was it Mr. T or something like that where he goes crazy? | ||
| It was like a live show. | ||
| And he starts smacking or getting angry and freaking out. | ||
| What wrestler was that? | ||
| I think Mr. T was on it. | ||
| I think you're talking about Hulk Hogan choking out Richard Bowser. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Put Richard Bowser to sleep. | ||
| Yeah, that's what... | ||
| Richard Bowser fell and bonked his head. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Choked him out. | |
| I gotta see that video. | ||
| Oh, I'm sure it's online. | ||
| How did I miss that? | ||
| Yeah, I'm sure it's online. | ||
| In this day and age, it would be a travesty if that wasn't available. | ||
| That's a typical wise-ass comedian. | ||
| I heard what you do is bullshit. | ||
| Yeah, you gotta be nice to those guys. | ||
| You can't disrespect them. | ||
| Plus, they're on gallons of juice, you know? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I mean, come on. | ||
| They get the sicknesses, they say. | ||
| To get that big, you know, that Chris Benoit guy that wound up killing his whole family, juice to the gills. | ||
| Yeah, but that's also another thing, too, is a lot of getting on, like, pain meds, because those guys did, like, they guys were working, like, seven Seven nights of fucking week. | ||
| That's the thing about guys who fight in the UFC. Like, Brock says that pro wrestling is way harder than being the UFC heavyweight champion. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| Is that the video? | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| I'm going to watch a young... | ||
| Richard Belzer from back in the day. | ||
| If you just Google it, you could find it on Google. | ||
| They didn't work this out, did they? | ||
| No, I don't think so. | ||
| This isn't like a bit? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| Oh, here we go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And Hulk Hogan. | |
| Oh, he got him in a guillotine. | ||
| He put him to sleep. | ||
| Oh, he went out. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's all right. | |
| He's just sleeping. | ||
| He's sleeping. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I was asleep. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, that's pretty fucked up. | ||
| I mean, he really was out cold. | ||
| That's no bullshit. | ||
| And he just let him fall to the ground. | ||
| Like, head hits the... | ||
| I put a guy to sleep on a radio show once. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| He was just fucking around. | ||
| No. | ||
| No, no, he wasn't. | ||
| Watch him exit. | ||
| He wasn't. | ||
| You see the way he fell, dude? | ||
| He fell and slammed his head off the ground. | ||
| He was totally out cold. | ||
| Oh, he was trying to... | ||
| Yeah, he was trying to cover for it. | ||
| Anyway, that's a famous one. | ||
| In the lead up to that, it was like Hulk Hogan was getting really pissed off at him. | ||
| The whole time. | ||
| There was like seven minutes up to that or six minutes up to that. | ||
| He was being a smartass and just pissing the Hulk off. | ||
| Wow, why would you do that? | ||
| Even if what they did was really fake? | ||
| Obviously, they predetermined the victor and stuff. | ||
| When somebody fucking slams you down the back, it hurts. | ||
| Yeah, you gotta be conscious of who you're talking to. | ||
| Those guys are savages. | ||
| Even though they might not be actually fighting for a living, they will fuck you. | ||
| They'll beat the shit out of you if they want to. | ||
| You better be nice. | ||
| They live in a wild world, too. | ||
| A wild world of sweaty men that you hoist through the air and slam on their back. | ||
| Their idea of what's acceptable danger and punishment that you take with your body is not what most people's is. | ||
| For them, it's like, oh, he just fell asleep. | ||
| If Belzer was covering, that was pretty good. | ||
| No, he wasn't covering. | ||
| He went out. | ||
| I'm just saying, I think he was, because the lead-up was... | ||
| Trust me, that guy went out. | ||
| That's 100% unconscious. | ||
| No, that's what we're saying. | ||
| That's what we're saying. | ||
| He was covering up that. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Belzer was covering as a pro at the end. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, definitely. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, he went to sleep. | ||
| No doubt about it. | ||
| The way that guy squeezed is 100%. | ||
| The way his arms go limp. | ||
| How long does it take? | ||
| Two seconds. | ||
| When a guy puts a guy in a choke, there was a guy I choked out on a radio show. | ||
| There was this radio show. | ||
| He was like a PA. And they had him do little stunts and stuff. | ||
| And if he couldn't do it, then they would punish him. | ||
| There was like this gag they used to do. | ||
| It was in Boston. | ||
| So they had this dude dress up as a cow. | ||
| And he had to fucking try to jump over a chair on rollerblades. | ||
| And he couldn't make it over the chair. | ||
| He falls and crashes. | ||
| And they get him upstairs. | ||
| And they go, okay, now your punishment is going to be Joe Rogan has to choke you unconscious. | ||
| I go, what? | ||
| And he goes, okay, I'll do it. | ||
| I go, you really? | ||
| You sure about this? | ||
| And he goes, yeah. | ||
| I go, you sure? | ||
| And he goes, yeah. | ||
| I go, alright. | ||
| So I go, if you just, when you can't take it, just tap out. | ||
| And I lock the choke on him, squeeze on, and he goes to tap, and he's already unconscious. | ||
| And I let him go, thinking that he tapped, and he falls and fucking face plants on the carpet. | ||
| He boxed his head off the carpet. | ||
| He only fell a couple inches, but he was unconscious immediately. | ||
| If you just let someone squeeze your neck, he'd go out pretty quick. | ||
| You know, that became the thing to do for like maybe a week and a half when I was in seventh grade. | ||
| We didn't understand what we were doing, but somebody came up with it. | ||
| Choking? | ||
| No, what you do is you would just basically grab two handfuls of somebody's neck on each side. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| You're grabbing their jugular. | ||
| But the thing about it was... | ||
| Grabbing it like this? | ||
| Yeah, we didn't know what we were doing. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| We didn't know what we were doing, so some people were just grabbing like, you know, neck muscle. | ||
| They were back here, but occasionally people would grab them right. | ||
| Just this dumb shit. | ||
| Yeah, and the final one happened was someone did it correctly, and the dude did the same thing. | ||
| He fell straight forward, and then there was announcements at the end of the day. | ||
| And there's been a fad around the school to be grabbing your classmates' necks, this whole fucking thing about... | ||
| It's very dangerous. | ||
| You're depriving oxygen to the temporal lobe and all this fucking bullshit. | ||
| It's just basically, could you please stop choking each other? | ||
| I wonder how many kids today are practicing MMA moves on their friends at school. | ||
| You know, you watch The Ultimate Fighter or something like that. | ||
| You see what he's getting? | ||
| He got him in Kimura. | ||
| Let me show you. | ||
| Give me your arm. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dude, the first time I ever threw it on my back was in fourth grade. | ||
| I let this kid put me in the figure four leg lock. | ||
| I swear to God. | ||
| Because I was also on a bleep. | ||
| Well, it's not real. | ||
| It doesn't hurt. | ||
| And it was killing me. | ||
| So I was leaning up to try to take his leg off. | ||
| It's the first time I felt lower back pain. | ||
| Fourth grade. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So you jacked your back in the fourth grade? | ||
| It's been fucking with you ever since? | ||
| Fourth grade. | ||
| Fucking crazy. | ||
| Well, it didn't fuck with me until football a few years later. | ||
| Unorganized, of course, because I never had the grades. | ||
| But that's when it really got bad. | ||
| Yeah, first back pain I ever had. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sigh. | |
| What do you think about those people that say that back pain is all psychological? | ||
| That's bullshit. | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| There's people that actually say that? | ||
| Oh yeah, that John Sarto guy. | ||
| He's got books on it. | ||
| I think there are a lot of people that have psychological back pain. | ||
| Oh, absolutely. | ||
| It exists. | ||
| But there's a lot of injuries too. | ||
| Yeah, it exists, but it doesn't mean that it's All. | ||
| This guy, I don't know if he says all of them, but I think he attributes a lot of them. | ||
| He's talking about how people, even if they have injuries, the injuries don't really hurt nearly as much as you think they do. | ||
| It's all psychosomatic. | ||
| I agree with that. | ||
| He's basically saying we're a bunch of pussies. | ||
| Bunch of pussies. | ||
| Bunch of pussies and the idea is that the injuries distract you from other stress. | ||
| I'm a firm believer of stretching, yoga, any of that type of shit. | ||
| Because I don't know what happens when you get older, but even just sleeping, the amount more that your tendons or whatever shrivel up... | ||
| Like, dude, if you ever saw me hobble to the bathroom in the morning, you would think that I played like five years of professional ball or something. | ||
| I don't know what's going on with me. | ||
| But if I stretch before... | ||
| I go to bed or something like that, I'm way better. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, like my foot is fucking jacked. | ||
| It's an old injury I had from playing drums, and it's a real hard fucking... | ||
| You got a drum injury? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You'd be surprised. | ||
| Some other drummers, one of the planters, fish a lot, I don't know what the fuck they call it, but it was from... | ||
| I had poor technique. | ||
| And I was trying to do this bass drum lick, this thing that John Bonham did in this song, Good Times, Bad Times. | ||
| These really quick 16th note triplets. | ||
| I'm sure you heard that in the fight game. | ||
| And I had bad technique, what I was doing, and I fucked up the arch of it. | ||
| And it literally felt like, as I was walking down the street, someone was, like I was stepping on nails. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And I didn't know what to do. | ||
| Typical Irish guy. | ||
| I just thought, well, just fucking stick it in the air for a minute and it'll be fine. | ||
| And I toughed it. | ||
| I finally had to go. | ||
| There's literally, you gotta like take a... | ||
| Bottle water. | ||
| Freeze it in the fridge. | ||
| Right, and step on it. | ||
| And then just sit there rolling it on the bottom of your foot. | ||
| Anti-inflammatories. | ||
| Then you gotta rest it up. | ||
| So what is the actual injury? | ||
| Is it a tendon? | ||
| What is it? | ||
| I don't fucking know. | ||
| It's a carpal tunnel for drummers. | ||
| I always stop and think about it. | ||
| If I lived just 100 years ago, or even less, I would be useless. | ||
| My body's been screwed back together so many different times. | ||
| I've had three... | ||
| Pretty significant knee surgeries. | ||
| Two reconstructions, both knees. | ||
| I've had the ACLs replaced. | ||
| This one I had my meniscus done. | ||
| I had my nose fixed. | ||
| My nose was broken. | ||
| Who knows how many fucking times. | ||
| So I had to scoop out all the shit out of my nose and the deviated septum repair. | ||
| I stop and think about it. | ||
| If modern science wasn't around, modern medicine, I'd be fucked. | ||
| You'd be an ogre. | ||
| You'd be living under a bridge. | ||
| I'd be a cripple. | ||
| I wouldn't be able to do anything without fear of my legs giving out and popping out and falling to the ground in agony. | ||
| You know, that's just what people did back in the day. | ||
| Well, I would have been dead. | ||
| My appendix ruptured in the sixth grade. | ||
| That would have been it. | ||
| That would have been a wrap. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I would have been one of those kids. | ||
| What happens when your appendix ruptures? | ||
| What happens? | ||
| Your parents just tell you to go take a nap and they don't believe you for three days. | ||
| And then finally they take you down there and you almost die. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Wow. | ||
| I always trash my parents for that one. | ||
| They just didn't believe you. | ||
| No, I don't know. | ||
| My brother's convinced I was playing baseball and that's when it happened. | ||
| I don't even remember. | ||
| I just kept having, like, side pain and then the next day I would feel fine. | ||
| Then I'd have a fever and then I would feel fine. | ||
| And then one day, I guess it just burst. | ||
| Isn't it crazy that what your appendix is is an organ that you don't use anymore because it's used to process raw meat? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I thought it was for bone. | |
| It's an organ that we've evolved past. | ||
| It's for bone. | ||
| Breaking down bone. | ||
| Is your intestines or an organ? | ||
| I thought your organ is like a liver, pancreas. | ||
| Google that shit, son. | ||
| Google intestines. | ||
| Find out what the fuck it is. | ||
| I'm pretty sure that what an appendix is is an organ that we used to use when we processed meat. | ||
| We processed much more raw meat. | ||
| I thought it was when we ate leaves. | ||
| I thought it was bone. | ||
| Jesus, look at us. | ||
| Between the three of us. | ||
| Between the three of us. | ||
| Yeah, we don't have a fucking clue. | ||
| It's something that we're evolving. | ||
| You know, we're evolving so we don't use it anymore. | ||
| Which is pretty fascinating when you think about it. | ||
| It's actually, I mean, it couldn't have been that long ago. | ||
| It's like clear evidence that the human body is adapting to its environment. | ||
| You know, we literally don't use this fucking organ anymore and sometimes it blows up in your body. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I mean, that's what it does, right? | ||
| Just fucking, it's like, why am I here? | ||
| Suicide bombs. | ||
| I would have died of that. | ||
| There's a couple things I would have died of. | ||
| I broke my arm when I was six. | ||
| I got hit by a car. | ||
| If it was the 1800s, I would have died by getting hit by that car in the 1800s. | ||
| How'd you get hit by a car? | ||
| I didn't look. | ||
| I was racing my brother home, and he had stronger legs than I did, so I figured if I crossed... | ||
| Sure, I looked. | ||
| And I just do right out in front of a Jeep. | ||
| I wish I had video because I still don't know how I didn't get run over. | ||
| All I remember was being upside down and feeling the heat of the engine and seeing the bumper. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| And then the next thing I remember, I was lying perpendicular to the double lines. | ||
| I was only out for a second, just like Belzer when he got choked out. | ||
| I was only out for a second because when I came to... | ||
| The biggest dude you ever saw in your life gets out of this Jeep. | ||
| He probably had nightmares because of the way I just rode out in front of him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He got out already crying, going, Oh my God, I hit him! | |
| And all I could think was my dad's gonna fucking kill me and I got up and I ran. | ||
| The only thing that fucking happened, the only thing that other than I got knocked out was, you know that thing here if you bite down on your back teeth, that thing that goes in and out on the side of your head? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's right where I got hurt so I had to eat with a little spoon. | ||
| For a couple of days. | ||
| I remember it happened on a Wednesday because the doctor says you don't have to go to school for the rest of the week and I was psyched. | ||
| I finally didn't have to fake school and I had fucking Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday off. | ||
| It was totally worth it. | ||
| It's one of the reasons why I stopped fighting is because when I was kickboxing there was many nights where I couldn't chew my food. | ||
| I'd come home and I literally couldn't chew. | ||
| Oh, because from getting hit on the side of the head? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I would get headaches. | ||
| I'd lay in bed at night and get fucking vicious headaches. | ||
| That was not fun. | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| That was scary shit. | ||
| But I'd be chewing food. | ||
| I'd be chewing food going... | ||
| You know, you get kicked in the fucking jaw. | ||
| That's not fun. | ||
| You know, you get kicked or punched in the head, like really blasted. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Your jaw just gets... | ||
| Dude, I fought right up until fifth grade. | ||
| And then I went from being one of the bigger kids to one of the smaller kids. | ||
| And then also, kids started getting to be like a buck twenty and kind of knowing how to throw a punch. | ||
| That's scary. | ||
| Oh yeah, dude. | ||
| I totally became a coward. | ||
| I became funny. | ||
| I knew a bunch of dudes who had brain damage. | ||
| I knew a bunch of dudes from boxing gyms that had brain damage. | ||
| Wasn't too significant, but it was enough that you could see it. | ||
| And I'd seen guys from, you know, when I started, when I was 15, and I'd seen how they evolved, you know, how they developed brain damage up until, you know, when I was like 21, when I stopped fighting, 21 or 22. I got to see the deterioration. | ||
| That's some scary shit. | ||
| What's his face? | ||
| You know who saved me? | ||
| I wanted to get in shape when I was living in New York, so I started going to Gleason's gym, but I just did it like total actor. | ||
| I just wanted to get shredded. | ||
| They were calling me like Billery Swank and shit. | ||
| Did I tell you about this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Giving me shit. | ||
| So Charlie Murphy fucking gave me great advice because I told him I was starting to go over there because he's all into that martial arts shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he just called me and said, Hey, yo, Bill, let me tell you something. | |
| And he totally fucking broke it down. | ||
| He's like, You're going to be over there. | ||
| He literally broke down because you're going to be over there for like fucking maybe a month, month and a half and somebody's going to come up to you and tell you That you look like you're decent. | ||
| And they're basically going to try to talk you into getting into the ring because they need fresh meat. | ||
| And he goes, do not go in there under any circumstances. | ||
| I'm like, whatever, Charlie. | ||
| You're always preaching this apocalyptic shit. | ||
| Dude, literally clockwork. | ||
| Six weeks over there, this fucking black dude shredded comes up to me. | ||
| Hey, man, you're a comedian? | ||
| Man, you don't look like a comedian. | ||
| You got a nice jab or whatever. | ||
| You know, we want to spar a few rounds? | ||
| I almost started laughing. | ||
| It was so exactly what the fuck he said. | ||
| I was like, get the fuck. | ||
| Six weeks in, a comedian, this fucking guy's been fighting for like 10 years. | ||
| Yeah, he wants to beat you up. | ||
| He wanted to try this shit that he didn't have the balls to try against a professional. | ||
| He was going to try some new... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Superman hook? | ||
| Is that a punch? | ||
| I don't know what the fuck it was. | ||
| He wanted to try it on my big Charlie Brown head. | ||
| Dudes do look for easy guys to spar with. | ||
| They look to beat guys up to improve their confidence and try their techniques on. | ||
| Nobody wants to spar with a guy that's going to beat the fuck out of you. | ||
| You want to spar with a guy who's going to just kind of barely put up a fight and you're going to be able to tee off on him. | ||
| It's like glorified padwork. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There you go. | |
| That's basically what Charlie told me. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Charlie Murphy gave you some good advice. | ||
| Great advice. | ||
| He laughed his ass off when I told him that. | ||
| Because he just started thinking about my big stupid Charlie Brown head getting battered around the ring. | ||
| Boxing gyms are notorious for that shit. | ||
| See, when that happens in jiu-jitsu, it's really no big deal. | ||
| I remember when I first started doing jiu-jitsu, I started rolling with guys who were really good and just getting humiliated, getting strangled. | ||
| There was this one purple belt kid. | ||
| I was a white belt, and I was on news radio, and I was just starting out, and there was this purple belt kid, this Brazilian kid who was badass, and he used to fucking rape me every day. | ||
| I would be terrified to have to fucking roll with this kid because he was really good, and I was terrible. | ||
| And every time I'd roll with him, this motherfucker would mount me and choke me and armbar me. | ||
| He would tap me three, four times, and I was exhausted. | ||
| Just over and over and over again, he would tap me. | ||
| But it didn't hurt me, you know what I'm saying? | ||
| But what was the level of frustration coming from being a national champion in Taekwondo? | ||
| Very frustrating. | ||
| Well, it was eye-opening. | ||
| Well, one of the reasons why I stopped doing Taekwondo is because Taekwondo, you don't punch to the head in the tournaments. | ||
| And I started kickboxing. | ||
| I started working with... | ||
| There was a guy named Joe Lake who was a boxing coach in Boston, and he was training at the same gym that I was at, and he was offering me to teach me boxing if I would teach him how to kick. | ||
| And so we sort of made this little deal and we worked back and forth with each other. | ||
| And I started boxing. | ||
| And as I started boxing, I realized how bad my hands were from Taekwondo. | ||
| And then I'm like, I've wasted all my time doing this Taekwondo shit. | ||
| But then when I go box with guys and kickbox, I'm fucking terrible with my hands. | ||
| So I started getting really good with my hands and working on it. | ||
| So I'd already been enlightened to the fact that my original path was not the best path in the world. | ||
| And one of the reasons why I stopped fighting, I stopped fighting in Taekwondo tournaments because I realized how silly it was, how easy it was for people to punch me in the face and how many techniques didn't work once you added punching. | ||
| Then when the Ultimate Fighting Championship came along, I realized like, oh, well look what this fucking guy does. | ||
| He just, you know, hoist Gracie, just takes guys down and strangles them. | ||
| What the fuck would I do if that guy got me? | ||
| I don't know shit. | ||
| So I started doing jujitsu, and I was just a rank beginner. | ||
| I wrestled one year in high school, so I knew how to throw bodies around a little bit, but I didn't know how to defend myself against anybody who was any good, and this kid just mangled me over and over. | ||
| But he never really hurt me. | ||
| You know, if this was kickboxing, and he did that to me, he would have given me brain damage, broke my face, knocked me out. | ||
| But this guy just choked me, and I just tapped, and he armbarred me, and I tapped. | ||
| But he's not really hurting you. | ||
| Every time he's doing this to you, you just tap. | ||
| It's just emotionally humiliation. | ||
| Devastating. | ||
| Just to know. | ||
| You don't realize, until you roll with a guy who's good, how a guy who's like that, you know, high-level purple belt, a strong guy, can just do whatever the fuck he wants to you. | ||
| Like, literally, you have no defense. | ||
| There's almost nothing you can do. | ||
| If you don't punch him and knock him unconscious as he's grabbing ahold of you, once he grabs you, you're a victim. | ||
| You're just a victim. | ||
| You know, it's almost like if you get grabbed by like a bear, like a wild animal. | ||
| It's the second they grab your button down, you're finished. | ||
| It's way worse for the bear. | ||
| You're finished. | ||
| Can you imagine what it must feel like? | ||
| There's a photo that a guy took. | ||
| He died. | ||
| He was killed by this bear. | ||
| But he got one last photograph of the female charging him. | ||
| Because he was a wildlife photographer. | ||
| It's a very famous photo. | ||
| And he was in the woods. | ||
| And as he's walking through the woods, he stumbled upon bear cubs. | ||
| And as he stumbled upon bear, it was just too late. | ||
| The female just runs at him. | ||
| A grizzly. | ||
| And he got a photo of her. | ||
| Lips curled, teeth bared, roaring and looking at him with dead eyes. | ||
| And that was his last photo that he ever took. | ||
| It's a fucking intense photo. | ||
| If you find it online, anybody who finds it online, Twitter that shit to me because I lost it. | ||
| I had it online. | ||
| I was showing it to somebody and then I cannot find it anymore. | ||
| I don't know if it was pulled or what. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| You know when I was in Colorado, my dog got eaten by a mountain lion. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I've been keeping up on you. | ||
| Just so you know we're at 2 hour and 20 minutes. | ||
| I know where we are. | ||
| We should probably end this. | ||
| Nobody wants us to do a 2 hour and 20 minute podcast. | ||
| By the way, you have a podcast we should talk about. | ||
| First of all, Bill Burr does not have fucking Twitter. | ||
| So we got him a goddamn Twitter account. | ||
| Bill, you gotta have to use this. | ||
| I'm not gonna use that shit. | ||
| It helps you promote gigs. | ||
| It's the best thing for a comic to use right now. | ||
| It's so easy to promote gigs. | ||
| I would have known that you had a podcast if I heard it. | ||
| Don't you know that that's by design? | ||
| My podcast, I don't hype it. | ||
| I don't hype it. | ||
| My podcast, I totally, I do it for fun. | ||
| And it's, I go, I'm way dirtier. | ||
| I'm way dirtier. | ||
| Yeah, but people don't know. | ||
| But you guys, you fucking know me. | ||
| You know me. | ||
| You didn't even know I had one. | ||
| I knew you had one. | ||
| I didn't know you had one. | ||
| I remember it from your MySpace page. | ||
| You think that you knew that I had one, but you didn't. | ||
| I remember you used to do it with a phone. | ||
| You used to do it with a phone. | ||
| I do. | ||
| Yeah, but I just don't give a fuck. | ||
| How do you do it now? | ||
| Do you sit down with a microphone now and just rant? | ||
| How do you do it now? | ||
| It's the same thing. | ||
| Yeah, people send me questions and then I just go off on shit. | ||
| So now you don't do it on a phone? | ||
| You don't do that anymore? | ||
| No, I haven't done it on a phone now for about a year. | ||
| Oh, what are those voicemail things? | ||
| A year and a half. | ||
| Oh yeah, when I used to call up GCAS. That was a lot of fun though because I could be in airports making fun of fucking the creeps at Cinnabon and all that and people really liked that. | ||
| How come you don't have a fucking Twitter account? | ||
| Dude, I just got on Facebook. | ||
| Facebook's good, but Twitter's great for promoting gigs. | ||
| I got a gig at the Punchline in Atlanta this Sunday. | ||
| There's nothing wrong with that. | ||
| I got a gig at the Punchline in Atlanta this Sunday. | ||
| I just booked it because I'm going to be in Atlanta on Monday and I had a fly-in Sunday afternoon. | ||
| So I said, well, I'll just do a fucking show there. | ||
| So I just started promoting it. | ||
| I started promoting it on fucking Twitter. | ||
| I just threw it up on Twitter. | ||
| I'm going to let people know. | ||
| So then people start retweeting it and letting people know. | ||
| It's almost fucking sold out. | ||
| That's all you have to do. | ||
| Yeah, but you're also Joe Rogan. | ||
| Yeah, but I mean it helps. | ||
| You're on television. | ||
| But people know who you are. | ||
| It helps. | ||
| You're a celebrity. | ||
| You're a celebrity too. | ||
| When I told people that you were coming on the podcast, people got all fucking excited and fired up on Twitter. | ||
| What, seven of them? | ||
| No, a bunch of them on Twitter. | ||
| I'll show you some. | ||
| You know something. | ||
| Are you against filling seats? | ||
| Bill Burr. | ||
| I'm against this fuzzy math. | ||
| Look, I'll show you. | ||
| There's a lot of people in here that were talking about Bill Burr. | ||
| There's a lot of people. | ||
|
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|
Look at that. | |
| I'm scrolling. | ||
| I can't find Bill Burr on Twitter. | ||
| Right there. | ||
| Bam. | ||
| It's Bill Burr on Twitter. | ||
| People are trying to find you on Twitter. | ||
| And that's what you do. | ||
|
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|
You leave them wanting more, Joe. | |
| Look, you know how much it's a pain in the ass to do all that shit. | ||
| It's so easy. | ||
| Do you have an iPhone? | ||
| What do you have? | ||
| Blackberry? | ||
| I fucking Twitter every week on my fucking podcast for an hour, and you can listen to it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But that's not Twitter. | |
| It's on iTunes. | ||
| It's not the same thing. | ||
| Twitter is like a text message that you send to all your fans. | ||
| So I've got 130-something thousand people on my Twitter. | ||
| Oh, quit showing off. | ||
| We already know you're a fucking black belt. | ||
| I'm a baller, son. | ||
| I know. | ||
| 131,785. | ||
| So that is 131,000 people that I can get in contact with. | ||
| Pretty much instantly. | ||
| I mean, if they pay attention to their Twitter. | ||
| You know, all you have to do is your Twitter. | ||
| Hey, I'm going to be in fucking Newport Beach. | ||
| Bam! | ||
| And then you can get people to come to your shows. | ||
| It's so much easier. | ||
| It's so much easier than going on a radio show and getting up in the morning. | ||
| You know, you could fucking get things done with your Twitter. | ||
| Yeah, you know what I am always like? | ||
| I always like the old school way of doing shit. | ||
| I always think it's better. | ||
| I don't know why. | ||
| You're an old school sort of a guy, Bill Burr. | ||
| I'm a romantic. | ||
| You are a romantic. | ||
| And with that note, ladies and gentlemen... | ||
| By the way, Joe, that Burr photo is fake. | ||
| I'll get on Twitter, though. | ||
| It's fake? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Which one is fake? | ||
| The one with the dead body? | ||
| Oh, I don't know. | ||
| You're talking about... | ||
| Oh, no, no, no. | ||
| That's a different one? | ||
| Yeah, that is fake. | ||
| The other one is in the woods. | ||
| I will start tweeting. | ||
| It's a black and white photo. | ||
| That's what it was. | ||
| That tweeting. | ||
| That just sounded gay. | ||
| Tweeting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tweet. | |
| Yeah, but say it, Joe. | ||
| Just say, yeah, I tweeted about that yesterday. | ||
| See how you looked away? | ||
|
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|
You couldn't look at me! | |
| Bill, where are you going to be at this weekend? | ||
| Where can people see you? | ||
| I'm going to be at the Improv down on Melrose. | ||
| Hollywood Improv. | ||
| And next weekend, I'm going to be at the Orleans with Tom Papa. | ||
| Co-headlining with Tom Papa. | ||
| Last gig George Carlin ever did was at the Orleans Casino. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| In Vegas, huh? | ||
| That's a good place. | ||
| I'm going to be there. | ||
| I've been there for fights. | ||
| BillBurr.com. | ||
| B-U-R-R, BillBird.com. | ||
| And I have... | ||
| And what the fuck is... | ||
| I don't even know what it is. | ||
| I have a podcast. | ||
| If you click on the podcast link, BillBird.com slash podcast. | ||
| And you can find it on iTunes. | ||
| It's called the Monday Morning Podcast. | ||
| Yeah, the Monday... | ||
| We got him a fucking Twitter account, okay? | ||
| We're going to force him into getting Twitter. |
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