June 8, 2010 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:12:22
Participants
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| There it goes. | ||
| Now it's recording. | ||
| All right, ladies and gentlemen, what's up? | ||
| Welcome to the weekly Ustream podcast. | ||
| I think it's like week 2000. What week is it, Brian? | ||
| 24th week. | ||
| Brian is on top of shit, son. | ||
| Yeah, 24th week. | ||
| And joined today is jujitsu master, musician, best friend, Eddie the Twister. | ||
| Bravo. | ||
| Ladies and gentlemen, how about a big round of applause for Mr. Eddie Bravo joining us here today. | ||
| Eddie just had some pizza. | ||
| Fuck that diet up, son. | ||
| Yeah, fucked it up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We got real mics now, man. | ||
| We're all in solidarity if you want. | ||
| Okay, cool. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I like this. | |
| When you talk right into it, it makes it so much better. | ||
| We were having problems when we first started doing this. | ||
| We just figured out how to do a podcast basically without asking anybody. | ||
| We just trial and error and we fucked a lot of shit up. | ||
| But the biggest thing we fucked up in the beginning was the sound. | ||
| The sound was really bad at first. | ||
| But now we got that shit locked down. | ||
| So that's good. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| He's practicing. | ||
| Is it gay to hold a mic like this? | ||
| It's like smoking a cigarette in France. | ||
| What movie is this from? | ||
| There's a movie where a guy is singing karaoke and he's holding the mic like this. | ||
| There's a dude who used to do comedy like that. | ||
| Does anybody know? | ||
| He used to hang it in front of his face like this. | ||
| I don't remember who it was. | ||
| This is like you're sucking a cock right here. | ||
| Well, I've never even considered that. | ||
| Fleshlight. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Before we go anywhere, we're sponsored by The Fleshlight. | ||
| This podcast is a sponsored podcast. | ||
| But I'll be quite honest with you. | ||
| If we were not sponsored by The Fleshlight and we just became a subject of the conversation of the podcast, I would tell you, go buy one of those fucking things. | ||
| They're awesome. | ||
| Don't be embarrassed. | ||
| Everybody jerks off. | ||
| It's silly. | ||
| If you jerk off and you wouldn't fuck a rubber pussy, you're crazy. | ||
| It's just pleasure. | ||
| It's just pleasure. | ||
| And it feels way better than jerk off. | ||
| I got a good fleshlight story. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Oh, let's hear it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's hear it. | |
| Let's hear it. | ||
| It's about when I bought it. | ||
| I've had it for a while. | ||
| I've used it maybe 20 times. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's fucking pretty good. | ||
| Pretty goddamn good. | ||
| If you're going to jerk off. | ||
| Something about your own hand touching your cock cancels out some feeling or something. | ||
| It doesn't feel as good as someone else jerking you off or sucking you off or whatever. | ||
| So that's where the fleshlight comes in. | ||
| I mean, it feels pretty fucking good. | ||
| You got the right porn or whatever. | ||
| But anyways... | ||
| About three years ago, maybe two years ago, I met this girl when we were on the road in Texas somewhere. | ||
| Maybe Houston or Dallas or something like that. | ||
| I was on the road with you. | ||
| Met her and we kept in touch. | ||
| She came out to LA and hung out for a weekend. | ||
| And for some reason, she wasn't down at all. | ||
| She wasn't Oh that's right Remember that She wasn't down at all She didn't want me to touch her Now she's Staying at my fucking house And she doesn't even want to touch me I didn't kiss her or nothing So I decided to take her to the Hustler store And go shopping for a fleshlight That's right This is a great story. | ||
| So she couldn't fucking believe that... | ||
| She thought I was kidding, that I went to the store to buy a fleshlight. | ||
| I'm like, hey, if you're not going to give me the pussy, I gotta... | ||
| You know, this is the second best thing. | ||
| Can't invite another girl over. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| So that's my fleshlight story. | ||
| I used it that night, too, while she passed out in bed. | ||
| Cool. | ||
| It's pretty good, isn't it? | ||
| It's better than using your hand. | ||
| It's better than using your hand. | ||
| If you could hire a Mexican to clean it up afterwards, then it would be awesome. | ||
| Hire a Mexican? | ||
| Why does it have to be a Mexican, man? | ||
| They work cheap. | ||
| You're not going to put a white dude to clean up your fleshlight when you're done. | ||
| You've got to go to Home Depot and pick up a couple guys and they'll switch off. | ||
| I was at Target the other day and there's these things called magic microphones for kids. | ||
| It's a kid's toy that looks just like a fleshlight. | ||
| If you look at it, you're like, oh, the same company that makes fleshlights must also make this microphone. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| And so I pick it up and I go to my girlfriend, I'm like, look, they got fleshlights here! | ||
| And right, I look, I'm like, oh, stupid. | ||
| I look around, there's kids everywhere, and mom's looking at me, and I'm like, oh, fuck. | ||
| It's funny how it's got a bad, like, you know, there's a bad feeling attached to it, that there's something wrong with this rubber pussy. | ||
| There's something wrong with pleasure. | ||
| If it was just a massage thing, it was just like, look, I got a massage thing that makes your back feel awesome. | ||
| Everybody would be like, oh, cool, the guy's making his back feel awesome. | ||
| There's something about making your dick feel awesome that freaks everybody out. | ||
| Would you freak out if your son was using the flashlight at 11? | ||
| Would that be bad? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| No, right? | ||
| No, not at all. | ||
| You'd get him one for his birthday, right? | ||
| I would say, listen, man, your body is a biological organism that doesn't understand your life. | ||
| It wants you to make decisions for it, not for you. | ||
| So it's going to try to trick you into fucking. | ||
| Someone with no condom and having babies. | ||
| I mean, that's what your body's trying to do. | ||
| And it can get real confusing who you actually like as opposed to who your dick is telling you you like. | ||
| You know, when you're horny all the time, your dick convinces you that you like people you don't even like just because you can fuck them. | ||
| And for a kid, when you're just learning how to get into relationships, that shit's very tricky. | ||
| I think every young kid could benefit from... | ||
| They should teach kids how to jerk off in school. | ||
| They should teach kids how your dick is going to confuse you, and how it's going to send you all these messages, and being horny is actually a baffling thing that takes years and years to master. | ||
| And they can make Hannah Montana fleshlights. | ||
| Can you imagine? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It'd be like a $20 billion industry. | |
| I wonder if that would be illegal if she sponsored a fleshlight for high school kids and she's not saying it's her pussy. | ||
| Safe sex. | ||
| She's promoting safe sex. | ||
| Wouldn't that be insane? | ||
| Why not, right? | ||
| That'd be so smart. | ||
| I mean, are we really pretending that kids aren't fucking? | ||
| You know, kids get to be 16 years old. | ||
| She's like 16 or 17. They're fucking, man. | ||
| They're fucking. | ||
| The problem is, even if she wants to talk about it and shit... | ||
| It's still illegal. | ||
| They're not supposed to be fucking, and no one's supposed to be fucking them that's older than them. | ||
| You didn't go to jail. | ||
| If you're 18, and your girlfriend is 17 years and 10 months, and you fuck her, you go to jail? | ||
| Is that really happening? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| People have gotten arrested for shit like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that still happening? | |
| Yeah, it's real. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| You know what's happening that's even scarier than that? | ||
| Is a gang of kids are getting popped for child pornography for taking pictures of their pussies on their fucking cell phones. | ||
| Oh shit. | ||
| Taking pictures of their dicks. | ||
| That's really what's happening, man. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| People are getting in trouble? | ||
| They're calling it criminal tools. | ||
| A girl was arrested on child pornography charges because she's 15 years old. | ||
| She sent pictures of herself to a bunch of kids in her class and they eventually dropped the child pornography charges but they charged her with one count of using criminal tools. | ||
| The criminal tool was a cell phone. | ||
| That was an account they had against her. | ||
| She took a cell phone to take a picture of her pussy, so that was a criminal tool. | ||
| You hear that, guys? | ||
| Delete all that shit. | ||
| How crazy is that, man? | ||
| Think about what it would be like if that was your daughter, and you found out that your daughter was doing that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I hope. | |
| What? | ||
| Same thing. | ||
| I think we talked about... | ||
| Last time you guys were here, you guys talked about the exact same thing together. | ||
| The fleshlight story? | ||
| You guys just love talking about... | ||
| Did I? The fleshlight story? | ||
| The sexting. | ||
| Oh, the sexting. | ||
| Oh, the sexting. | ||
| Did we talk about it last time? | ||
| Yeah, you know what? | ||
| It's still fascinating to me. | ||
| That's a very important part of life. | ||
| Let's not pay attention to that Twitter feed, Brian. | ||
| I don't really want to know what people want us to talk about. | ||
| Shut that shit off. | ||
| That shit drives me crazy. | ||
| You're freaking me out, son. | ||
| Wait, isn't that what we got here? | ||
| Yeah, this is freaking me out too, but I don't read it. | ||
| You don't? | ||
| If you read it too much, man, then you're going to change the subject of your conversation. | ||
| You're going to start listening to what they're saying. | ||
| You're getting too serious about this, Joe. | ||
| No, I'm not getting serious. | ||
| It's distracting. | ||
| It's distracting for a good conversation. | ||
| So what do you guys think about the new iPhone that just was announced yesterday? | ||
| It's pretty crazy. | ||
| The iPhone is going to change a lot of shit, man. | ||
| First of all, everyone's going to be using it for phone sex. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because you can see the other person. | ||
| You can see them. | ||
| That's what's fucked up because I was thinking about this the other day. | ||
| You know how texting and Twitter and everything's fucking up people's games or just lies in general? | ||
| Now people are going to be like, your ex is going to call you or your girl is going to call you and go, where are you at right now? | ||
| You're like, I'm with my friends. | ||
| Oh yeah, well turn on your video. | ||
| Let me see where you're at. | ||
| And that's going to happen with bosses and work. | ||
| You just say, bitch doesn't have any Wi-Fi. | ||
| Well, that's only for 2010. That's just because AT&T is trying to build up their network. | ||
| Do you think the network is ever going to get built up where they can handle two-way phone calls with everybody? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Absolutely. | |
| Because, you know, people are going to leave that shit on. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| You're going to come to work with me, okay? | ||
| And they're going to be walking around. | ||
| People aren't going to be watching where they're going. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| That's why AT&T regulated their data plans the other day. | ||
| Because they know that that shit's going to happen. | ||
| So you think they're just building up to it? | ||
| How are they going to be able to handle that? | ||
| This is going to be like when texting first came out. | ||
| When you first got texting, everyone said, this is not going to work. | ||
| No one's going to ever do this. | ||
| But then texting plans were really expensive and ridiculous, you know, because all these newcomers, I used to have jokes about texting. | ||
| My fucking 2005 Showtime special, there's a joke in there when I'm like, it takes you four presses to get an S. Why don't you just fucking call me? | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| Why are you making me read? | ||
| This is going to be exactly like this. | ||
| Just think about how much that's changed in five years. | ||
| Yeah, video calling in five years from now is going to be the norm. | ||
| That's all it's going to be. | ||
| People are going to laugh at you for normal calling. | ||
| You know, I think. | ||
| I think that's, you know, we're going towards Star Trek. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| We are, we are, right? | ||
| It's going to be called something, too. | ||
| Like when someone, like your girlfriend calls you up and says, okay, I need a webcam scan. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Okay, here's the way. | ||
| So you got to tell all your buddies, like you could be at a party and go, Webcam scan! | ||
| Webcam scan! | ||
| All the girls duck under and go, look, look, honey, I'm here. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| Oh, look, and then bam, a quick little once-over. | ||
| You know what you would do? | ||
| You would just have the whole party spin behind you. | ||
| Just move really slowly, everybody. | ||
| Everybody, just stay with me. | ||
| Stay with me. | ||
| It's the webcam scan. | ||
| You're not I'm fucking moving fast enough. | ||
| Okay, you better webcam scan right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I just want you to spin around in a circle as quick as you can and show me the whole room. | |
| I need to see the whole room. | ||
| After a while, you're going to have to do it quick. | ||
| It can't be fast. | ||
| But then people are just going to get faster. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's going to be a sport. | |
| You'll have gambling to see whether or not you can tell those people in the room. | ||
| Okay, let's go into the bathroom. | ||
| Look behind the curtain. | ||
| Okay, now let's go out to the back. | ||
| That's actually a cool fucking game. | ||
| How about this game? | ||
| How about you have a game where you bet whether or not someone is in someone's house. | ||
| And someone takes you on a tour of their house and you bet whether or not there's other people in the house hiding. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| How about you have a pre-recorded fucking scenarios? | ||
| You have like 30 of them. | ||
| Your house one, you're at your mom's, you have all these. | ||
| So anybody calls, go look. | ||
| Yeah, boom. | ||
| And then, you know, they think it's live, but it's really a video. | ||
| We gotta get on that. | ||
| You know, my problem is you would have to show your face too. | ||
| You're supposed to show your face talking in that environment. | ||
| Oh, they're gonna have to. | ||
| It would have to be like almost like a green screen. | ||
| The great Joey Diaz said the best thing. | ||
| When I was talking to him about this, Joey Diaz says, he's going to be like, imagine calling your girl and go, let me see your pussy right now. | ||
| See how red it is. | ||
| I know what it looks like after you got fucked. | ||
| Hold it up against white. | ||
| Let me see the color. | ||
| Just to talk her into showing her Yeah, yeah, because then, because seriously, that's how it's going to come down to. | ||
| You're going to be able to just go, let me see what your pussy looks like right now. | ||
| I can tell if you got fucked. | ||
| Just that statement, that just shows you the mentality of Joey Diaz, how funny Joey is. | ||
| Joey's thinking about tricking girls into showing their pussy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's not, you know, he's all about, no, no, no, no, no, I need to see it right now. | |
| Come on, let's go. | ||
| What do you got? | ||
| It's all about trapping them into showing their pussy. | ||
| It's not even really asking them. | ||
| It's like part of the hustle for Joey is you trick them. | ||
| I think it's going to make people a lot more faithful because I really believe that Twitter and Facebook has really... | ||
| It makes it so hard to cheat. | ||
| People are like, okay, if I'm... | ||
| There's a lot more single people because it's way too hard to cheat. | ||
| But if you decide to have a girlfriend or a boyfriend, you're like, fuck it. | ||
| I ain't even going to try. | ||
| You make a comment on one person's picture, everybody knows that you just commented on some girl's picture. | ||
| So it's like, you don't even bother. | ||
| You might as well be faithful. | ||
| And it's not going to stay where it's at. | ||
| It's going to move on to some next craziness. | ||
| And I think that has to do with this iPhone camera. | ||
| I think that's the next stage of craziness. | ||
| The next stage of intrusion into people's lives. | ||
| And some people are going to reject it. | ||
| Did you do FaceTime? | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| Just like texting. | ||
| Just like picture message. | ||
| Just like everything. | ||
| That's why when people are freaking out about Flash, I feel the same thing about that. | ||
| People are freaking out because you're not thinking ahead. | ||
| You're not thinking about what's next or what's going to be the future. | ||
| When you say freaking about Flash for the non-technologically... | ||
| Macromedia Flash. | ||
| What Macromedia Flash is a program on your websites when you see like animation and different kinds of like, you know, you put your cursor over something and it does some funky thing. | ||
| Most of the time you're dealing with Flash on a lot of these sites and apparently Flash crashes a lot. | ||
| I've had it crash a bunch of times on me. | ||
| And Microsoft has their own version of shit. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Silverlight? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But what's cool is that there's actually companies now that have software that if you put it into Flash, and I guess Flash is working with this company, that if you go to this website and it has Flash, Flash will detect that you do not have Flash on your iPad or whatever, and it will convert it into an HTML 5.0 program or whatever. | ||
| So that's what YouTube does. | ||
| No, I think YouTube just uses a different codec. | ||
| But there's some websites where you can go to on the iPad and you can still watch it videos. | ||
| And that's HTML5 you're watching? | ||
| You're watching it just a – Flash has moved on from – YouTube doesn't use Flash as much anymore. | ||
| It uses a codec, H2.64, I believe. | ||
| So it's not even in Flash anymore. | ||
| You're watching it just – you're just watching a video file. | ||
| I think you're right that people are hesitant to change and then they worry about flash falling apart and, you know, they say, oh, this is crazy, you know, my website is coded like this and that's just how it should be. | ||
| But when new shit comes along that's better, you just gotta accept it, you know? | ||
| I think what's more fascinating to me than anything is this FaceTime thing and the rise of the droid phones. | ||
| Dude, droid phones are like an infection. | ||
| There's like so many goddamn droid phones now and they do everything the iPhone does and more. | ||
| What about the new iPhone? | ||
| The new iPhone has the front face feature. | ||
| That's a pretty big feature. | ||
| And the HD camera? | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Blackberry is still number one, though. | ||
| Blackberry is still number one. | ||
| Droid is nothing new. | ||
| It's just an operating system, just like Windows Mobile was. | ||
| Yeah, but these are dope-ass phones. | ||
| They're dope-ass phones that are doing something that's trying to be like an iPhone. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| And it's not doing it as good. | ||
| If you use any application on a Droid and compare it to the iPhone version, almost 99.9% of the time it falls a little short. | ||
| Okay, but you're saying this based on the little experience that you had for a couple weeks with that phone. | ||
| No, I've had it for a month. | ||
| I used it straight for a month. | ||
| And you think that that operating system, what they were doing back then, is the same as now? | ||
| It's all the same? | ||
| It's the exact same. | ||
| I used the newest one. | ||
| I had the newest version. | ||
| Okay, but yours was the Motorola Droid, which is not supposed to be as good as this HTC Evo. | ||
| No, you're talking about the hardware, though. | ||
| You're not talking about the operating system. | ||
| Yeah, but doesn't HTC alter the operating system a little bit? | ||
| No, it puts a skin on it. | ||
| That's all it is. | ||
| It's just a skin off the operating system. | ||
| Does it make it work more effectively? | ||
| Some say it hurts. | ||
| Some say it's better. | ||
| All it does is it gives you a nice little widget at the front that has the weather and a bunch of shit on it. | ||
| Okay, well, just saying that the iPhone is better. | ||
| Okay, I'll agree with you. | ||
| You believe the iPhone is better. | ||
| But it's still a fucking amazing phone. | ||
| And if it existed a year ago, you would be freaking the fuck out. | ||
| If it existed five years ago, it would be world-changing. | ||
| Well, five years ago, I would probably be freaking out a year ago. | ||
| I doubt it. | ||
| It's still, to me, a very impressive phone. | ||
| Yeah, the phone hardware itself is great. | ||
| But when you compare, like, somebody was going off on the other day about how, like, oh yeah, this has an 8 megapixel camera, where the new iPhone only has a 5 megapixel camera. | ||
| And I was like, megapixels don't mean shit. | ||
| That's why, like, every year we've stopped at 12 megapixels for most cameras. | ||
| And if you notice, like, most Sony cameras that were 12 megapixels last year are now 10 megapixels. | ||
| Okay, well, why doesn't it mean shit? | ||
| I mean, doesn't it have to do with how much information is in the photograph? | ||
| Megapixels don't mean shit. | ||
| Well, it means something. | ||
| One megapixel camera sucks. | ||
| We know that. | ||
| 12 megapixel camera is awesome. | ||
| You could blow up giant billboards. | ||
| So it does mean something. | ||
| It means something to a point. | ||
| But the most important thing is the lens and the actual quality of the photo. | ||
| Okay, that makes sense. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| The new iPhone camera has what most normal cameras are just switching to. | ||
| It's this coil that goes around the lens. | ||
| And it used to be where the coil was in front of the lens optics. | ||
| So when you take a photo, the light has to go through all these coils in order to take a photo. | ||
| So now they've found out how to put the coil in the back. | ||
| So there's more light that goes in there. | ||
| Sony calls it the XMOR lens, whatever it's called. | ||
| But now, this new iPhone is going to have better low light just because they decided to do this new coil technology. | ||
| The photo quality looks pretty awesome. | ||
| Yeah, megapixel doesn't mean shit. | ||
| It does mean something though, Brian. | ||
| You're getting crazy. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| It means a lot. | ||
| I'm being serious. | ||
| Megapixels do not mean shit anymore when it comes to like 5 megapixels and above 8 megapixels. | ||
| Like 10 to 12 megapixels, there's nothing. | ||
| 8 to 12, there's barely anything. | ||
| Okay, but it still means something. | ||
| Unless you're doing billboards. | ||
| It's not everything. | ||
| What's important is the lens and what's also important is the software they use. | ||
| It's also important, you know, that's why you have these Carl Zeiss lenses and shit on all these different phones. | ||
| You know, they're trying to get the dopest lenses possible. | ||
| Yeah, I agree. | ||
| Over a certain point, it's negligible. | ||
| Brian, you're a bad motherfucker. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| Your knowledge of all this shit is unbelievable. | ||
| He's a freak when it comes to this stuff. | ||
| But what I think of the iPhone, who knows when I get it, but goddammit, they just solved everything. | ||
| The video camera sucked. | ||
| I use it all the time, but now it's HP. Yeah, that's still true. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| But it's even, you know, for me, I barely talk on the phone anyways. | ||
| I really don't give a shit. | ||
| What I care about is video, pictures, and texting. | ||
| That's huge. | ||
| And emails and stuff. | ||
| And then you get on Twitter and all that stuff. | ||
| The applications too are incredible. | ||
| I don't care about talking. | ||
| There's applications on your phone that you can time rounds with. | ||
| There's like a gym boss where you can time your workouts. | ||
| It's a free application, too. | ||
| You can set it so that it'll put interval training into your workouts and give you different alarms, like when you run, when you stop, when you rest, when you go. | ||
| I mean, the flash, the webcam, the HD video, 5 megapixels. | ||
| Goddamn! | ||
| I think that these new droid phones are catching up, though. | ||
| They're totally catching up, and I hope they beat the iPhone. | ||
| But the problem is, if all these droid users are saying, oh, fuck iPhone. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Get this. | ||
| How's your Facebook? | ||
| You want to do a comparison? | ||
| How's your Facebook on your application, Facebook, compared to iPhone's application? | ||
| Right, but you haven't used that in a while, right? | ||
| Don't they update those applications? | ||
| Dude, I am on every single website every day on both Droid and everything. | ||
| I know exactly what's going on with Droid versus iPhone. | ||
| I would believe him. | ||
| Is that a common argument? | ||
| Dude, it's common down the line. | ||
| Every program that you get for the iPhone is way more fine-tuned on the iPhone for some reason. | ||
| I don't know if it's on purpose or if it's just the length or the developers or what, but even the Twitter applications. | ||
| And the same with the Palm Pre. | ||
| The Palm Pre should have been the number one phone. | ||
| That should have been way bigger than it was. | ||
| But the problem is every single application, like their Facebook, their Twitter and everything, it doesn't even come close to the iPhone. | ||
| It's still not. | ||
| You think that's really what killed them? | ||
| You don't think that it was on Sprint? | ||
| I could tell you as having a Palm Pre Plus that every single program that you can download for that thing sucks shit compared to the iPhone versions. | ||
| And the Palm Pre's been out for a year plus longer, the webOS. | ||
| So that ain't doing shit? | ||
| Palm Pre ain't doing shit? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's interesting because the Palm Pre was like the number one selling product that Sprint ever launched as a phone. | ||
| Until this HTC EVO came along. | ||
| And they're saying this Palm Pre thing, it's really what's interesting about it was it was like the number one thing, but then it petered out and nobody gives a fuck about it. | ||
| You know, like no one's like in line to get Palm Prees. | ||
| Not at all. | ||
| Actually, remember the trio? | ||
| The trio was the iPhone. | ||
| I had yours! | ||
| Remember you gave me your second hand one? | ||
| The trio was the original shit right there. | ||
| The trio was a brick, bro. | ||
| Why didn't it bother me? | ||
| I remember when you gave me your trio, dude, that first day. | ||
| I couldn't believe it, man. | ||
| I thought I was just... | ||
| I really thought I had a fucking diamond watch on. | ||
| I swear! | ||
| I thought I was like, wow, look at this thing. | ||
| It's so awesome. | ||
| I remember when I first got it, I got it out of the box and everything, and I was playing with it, and I was like, looking at it, weighing, and I was like, this is the ultimate piece of technology. | ||
| It's like Star Trek shit. | ||
| It's like a fucking computer in my pocket, man. | ||
| You know, another good thing is the texting on the droids, or just the keyboard alone. | ||
| Have you ever used the keyboard? | ||
| No, you know what I did use, though, that was pretty dope? | ||
| And I wish someone would figure out how to do it. | ||
| The iPhone sort of does it, but I had with my Microsoft phone, I had one of those Windows mobile phones. | ||
| It knew the words that I was going to use. | ||
| Like, if I would press A and then B, it would write absolutely, if I've said that a bunch of times in text before. | ||
| And then you just hit the space button and you keep going on to the next... | ||
| Predictive texting? | ||
| Yeah, but like crazy good, man. | ||
| It was really good. | ||
| It was really interesting. | ||
| The iPhone always gets things wrong and never wants to accept my swears. | ||
| Still wants to change fuck to duck. | ||
| I mean, how many times do I say fuck? | ||
| There's ways around that. | ||
| What do you have to do? | ||
| It's something like you just make a new contact and you just put all the cuss words you want in it or something like that. | ||
| Oh, that's smart. | ||
| It's something like that. | ||
| And so it looks it up. | ||
| Yeah, I forget how you do it. | ||
| I think you just make a contact and go fuck, cock, suck, dick, piss. | ||
| You know, just do everything you want. | ||
| Yeah, you just do it once, though. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I know, but it's so silly. | ||
| Like, why can't it remember swear? | ||
| Well, the new operating system, I guess, is a hundred times better when it comes to all this. | ||
| Like, the dictionary, the everything. | ||
| And, Scott, now we finally get multitasking now. | ||
| Brian's got an Apple boner. | ||
| Are you a fanboy? | ||
| I'm not a fanboy because I'm with any kind of technology. | ||
| I try them all. | ||
| I agree, man. | ||
| I'm just teasing you. | ||
| I don't think you're a fanboy. | ||
| How many phones have we both between you had? | ||
| We always go right back to the iPhone. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| The iPhone is most certainly the best all-around device. | ||
| Without a doubt. | ||
| But my main phone, I use a BlackBerry because it's Verizon. | ||
| Because Verizon's way better. | ||
| For me, I need to make calls. | ||
| That game's over for me now. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I have no problems with AT&T anymore in Los Angeles. | ||
| Well, my problems with AT&T are driving. | ||
| Driving from my house into Legends. | ||
| There's three places where I would lose people. | ||
| So if I'd be in a big conversation, I'd have to pull over because I didn't want to lose the call if it was something that was serious. | ||
| I can't talk in my bedroom on the phone. | ||
| If I want to talk, I've got to go to my living room. | ||
| If it's an important call, I walk down the street. | ||
| If you see me talking on the phone, walking, that's some important-ass shit right there. | ||
| Don't bother me. | ||
| Eventually, there's going to be no home phones, right? | ||
| There is barely any home phones. | ||
| I hardly know. | ||
| My dad doesn't even have a home phone anymore. | ||
| Yeah, it's like some ancient shit. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Home phone doesn't send no texts. | ||
| Can't get pictures. | ||
| Just some stupid line where people call you. | ||
| It's funny. | ||
| My mom lives in the middle of the country. | ||
| Emergency phones. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what it is. | |
| In case the world ends, you need a landline. | ||
| In case the solar flares fuck up those satellites. | ||
| There was an article I was reading about that, about we're at a moment of the sun's awakening, and that the next couple years is unprecedented solar activity. | ||
| That's what they predicted. | ||
| So unprecedented solar flares that can wipe out satellites. | ||
| And so what they're trying to get really good at is predicting these events so that they can shut down or put these satellites on safe mode. | ||
| Which is pretty nuts when you think about how much we're reliant on these satellites and, you know, for satellite radio. | ||
| I fucking listen to it every day. | ||
| For, you know, for so many different things, for GPS. We're, you know, we're reliant on fucking satellites. | ||
| And those motherfuckers can get cooked. | ||
| They can get cooked. | ||
| I mean, at any time, the sun could just make some hiccup, a burp, a fart, and it just barbecues every fucking satellite it sees. | ||
| They've got to have backup satellites and just floating out there in protective cases. | ||
| So if anything happens, the other ones, they just press a button. | ||
| Launch it. | ||
| Yeah, they open the new case. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boom! | |
| What if they're going to put shields over satellites, like big radiation shields? | ||
| That's going to have to be the next thing, right? | ||
| Force fields. | ||
| Something like that, right? | ||
| It's got to be force fields. | ||
| It's got to have something to do with magnets and force fields. | ||
| Well, yeah, you're right, because that's what our gravity is, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| I mean, our magnetosphere, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| And the gas that surrounds the Earth and, you know, our atmosphere. | ||
| If we just suspend some gold dust particles up in the atmosphere, we'll be fine. | ||
| Zacharias Hitchin style? | ||
| Yeah, it's real simple. | ||
| So, Eddie's a big proponent of the ancient alien theory, and Eddie's the first person that ever got me into Zacharias Hitchin, and we've had, dude, how many bones have we smoked fucking talking about the Anunnaki? | ||
|
unidentified
|
God. | |
| I mean, we've had more, more ridiculous spaceman, alien, Anunnaki conversations, ancient, ancient, you know, tribe theories, shit, where, you know, civilizations died off and left so much information that was just lost forever, like the Mayans and, of course, the Sumerians. | ||
| And the Sumerians talk of an even older civilization before then. | ||
| So Eddie's the one who got me into that. | ||
| Because of Scott, right? | ||
| Scott Redondo, right? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| He actually would... | ||
| He brought it up to me. | ||
| No, he brought it up, but it never registered. | ||
| He goes, dude, listen to this radio station, Coast to Coast. | ||
| This was like 10 years ago, and I never listened to Scott. | ||
| But Gina, the first girl I produced musically, she's about as crazy as they come. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And she was talking about a party last night. | ||
| Very talented girl. | ||
| Super talented singer, but crazy. | ||
| She goes, oh, my God, I was at this party last night, and this guy was talking about how we were created as slaves to mine gold for aliens on another planet... | ||
| I'm like, oh my gosh, shut the fuck up. | ||
| I was like, Gina, just shut the fuck up. | ||
| He goes, no, everybody was tripping out on this guy talking about this crazy... | ||
| I'm like, aliens made us slaves to mine gold? | ||
| Shut the fuck up, Gina. | ||
| Let's get to work. | ||
| So I thought about it later on that day. | ||
| That whole day I thought about it. | ||
| And I thought it was weird that, as crazy as all that sounded, it is weird that the one thing that we all agree on, every culture, every race, we can't agree on. | ||
| Shit! | ||
| Politics, religion, nothing. | ||
| But we all agree that gold is worth more than money. | ||
| Gold is the universal money. | ||
| And I thought that was weird. | ||
| I go, hmm. | ||
| And then I thought about how the Aztecs thought Cortez was a god and they gave him gold. | ||
| And then the people, the pharaohs that die, they get buried with gold. | ||
| I'm thinking about this. | ||
| I'm like, this... | ||
| And I called Gina. | ||
| I'm like, Gina, what was this guy's name? | ||
| Do you have his number? | ||
| He goes, hey, that was Jody or some guy. | ||
| I think his name was Jody. | ||
| So I called this guy. | ||
| I go, hey, I'm Gina's friend. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He goes, what? | |
| You were talking about some gold and some slaves and aliens? | ||
| What the fuck was that about? | ||
| And he didn't even really know. | ||
| He said, you know what? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, I was talking about that. | ||
| Some guy told me. | ||
| It was the weirdest thing. | ||
| I think his name is Sitchin or Sitchin or something. | ||
| So I looked it up, and I just got on the internet, and I looked up Sitchin, started getting into it, and it blew me away. | ||
| It's pretty fascinating shit. | ||
| As crazy as all that sounds, if you really look into it, basically, Zachariah Sitchin is this guy that transcribed the ancient Sumerian texts. | ||
| They're like 20,000 tablets of all these stories and all this shit. | ||
| Who knows what they really say because very few people can actually transcribe it. | ||
| Some people think Zachariah Sitchin is crazy and he's just making shit up. | ||
| A lot of people believe him. | ||
| A lot of smart people. | ||
| Well, the interesting shit that he uncovers and shows in his videos that's just indisputable is the images that the Sumerians left behind. | ||
| That's where it gets really crazy. | ||
| Because there's images of a big giant person with a small person. | ||
| It's a person, but it has a tail like a monkey. | ||
| And you're like, what the fuck is that? | ||
| They have the double helix, the DNA double helix is their caduceus. | ||
| You know, they have that in their images. | ||
| What if it was just like a thespian guy that walked around the tribe, you know, that's dressed up as a cat and somebody drew up, you know what I mean? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It could be. | |
| It could be. | ||
| But here's the other thing. | ||
| They also had a detailed depiction of the solar system. | ||
| They had a picture of the sun and then they had a picture of the planets with the proper size and the proper orbit. | ||
| And on top of that, their whole history in the Sumerian text, it talks about the different planets. | ||
| It talks about Uranus and it talks about Neptune. | ||
| It talks about the creation of Earth. | ||
| They have the exact same theory that we have as far as the creation of the moon. | ||
| The theory is that Earth 1, there was an Earth that was like billions of years ago, got hit with a planet and created the moon. | ||
| And now we are Earth 2, post-impact. | ||
| Now this is like something that scientists have just recently embraced over the past few decades. | ||
| But Sitchin wrote about this shit way back in the 70s. | ||
| This was what the Sumerians said. | ||
| The guy, if you watch his documentaries and you listen to Sitchin talk and get his shit online, it is fucking fascinating. | ||
| And I'm not saying that some aliens made us as a race of slaves, but I am saying that... | ||
| The world is so crazy as it is. | ||
| The fact that we can send photographs to people, and you can get video downloaded from your phone, and you can basically answer any question immediately by pressing, you know, Google Talk, or the Google thing, where, you know, you talk into it and you say, you know, what year did Columbus sail, blah, blah, blah. | ||
| And it'll give you the information, like, instantly. | ||
| This has never happened before, man. | ||
| This is crazy shit, and it's only going to get crazier. | ||
| Now, if we lived... | ||
| 100,000 years longer and stayed alive and managed to keep evolving, for sure we would get to the point where we would be able to travel to other fucking planets and find other species that we thought weren't advanced enough and fuck with them. | ||
| If we decide at a certain point in time with all this investigation that we're doing into life, like what they're doing right now with synthetic cells where they are creating cells, creating cells and eventually creating living organisms, this is all really going to happen. | ||
| If we get to the point where we realize that life itself is just a code that we can manipulate and change to our will. | ||
| Well, when that happens, man, you're not going to think anything's wrong with taking some monkeys and making them smarter and having them work for you. | ||
| You know, and if there's a super intelligent being or a race of beings that's thousands of years advanced from us or millions or perhaps even a billion, you know, what if they live in a protected solar system where they don't have to worry about asteroids or What if the asteroid impact is not a common thing? | ||
| What if, you know, all this shit that happens in our solar system is kind of rare and in other solar systems they don't have meteor problems? | ||
| I mean, if that's the case, if that's true, they could be a billion years older than us. | ||
| We don't fucking know. | ||
| We have no idea. | ||
| Basically, Sitchin was one of very few people, again, that transcribed over 20,000 tablets. | ||
| And in these tablets were detailed descriptions of how they came down, The names of the rulers, the South American ones. | ||
| Real technical shit about how it all went down. | ||
| He transcribed all that shit in the 70s and he put all this information out. | ||
| All this information that he wasn't... | ||
| He's saying that he wasn't making it up. | ||
| He was just transcribing all these stories. | ||
| And a lot of people, his doubters were like, well, he's full of shit. | ||
| How could he know this and how could he know that? | ||
| But the few things that he did know in the 70s that we're just figuring out now, one... | ||
| In his transcriptions, he talked about how the Sumerians knew that Uranus and Neptune were both water twins. | ||
| And we just found that out in the 80s, that they actually are water twins. | ||
| That was new. | ||
| How the hell does Sitchin know this? | ||
| Another thing is, the basis of the story is... | ||
| Aliens need our... | ||
| They look just like us. | ||
| Supposedly. | ||
| Supposedly. | ||
| Maybe taller or whatever. | ||
| I heard they're way better looking than us. | ||
| They need our gold to turn into gold dust to suspend in their atmosphere to protect their atmosphere. | ||
| That's what they need. | ||
| To protect them from radiation. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That's what he's talking about in the 70s and the transcriptions. | ||
| He's not an astrophysicist. | ||
| We just found out like in 2001, 2002, that that's exactly how you protect atmospheres. | ||
| You take metallic particles and you suspend them in the atmosphere to, you know, either... | ||
| Keep radiation in or out. | ||
| We just figured that out. | ||
| How the hell did this guy figure out through the... | ||
| And he's saying, well, he didn't know. | ||
| He transcribed. | ||
| Did he just guess that that's the way we protect atmospheres? | ||
| He already talked about that. | ||
| There's a lot of... | ||
| I mean, he gets into detail There's a lot of shit that makes it like, huh, wow. | ||
| There's a lot. | ||
| There's a lot to it. | ||
| It sounds crazy, and we don't have all day to talk about it, but have an open mind. | ||
| It's fascinating stuff. | ||
| I thought it was totally insane, too. | ||
| Look into it. | ||
| There's a bunch of debate about this planet, Nibiru, and there's a guy who's got a website called SitchinIsWrong, and his website is SitchinIsWrong.com, and this guy does not believe that there was, that there's this planet, you know, this Nibiru, and he has the quotes to the text... | ||
| It's really involved, and I haven't really looked into it. | ||
| I don't know who the fuck is right and who's wrong. | ||
| I really don't. | ||
| But I do know that just all the shit that came out of that one area is really fascinating. | ||
| And when you find out that that one part of the world is responsible for the first mathematics, the first astronomy, first astrology, first written language, first use of the wheel, first everything, first agriculture. | ||
| It's Iraq. | ||
| It's Iraq, yeah. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| Fucking nuts. | ||
| Iraq was the first civilization. | ||
| First... | ||
| Well, that's why they're so fucked up. | ||
| That's why I've always said that that part of the world, the reason why their laws are so archaic, they're like the townies of the world. | ||
| Those are the people that were there when civilization was created, and they're still rocking that ancient law. | ||
| You know, you dance, we throw rocks at you. | ||
| You fuck someone from the other tribe, we throw rocks at you. | ||
| You show your ankles, we throw rocks at you. | ||
| Why is a nation that's so smart, though, has not progressed? | ||
| They all moved out. | ||
| Everybody moved out. | ||
| They moved out. | ||
| It's like California. | ||
| Knowledge left. | ||
| What is California? | ||
| California is the group of people that landed somewhere else, knew it sucked, and moved to the best spot. | ||
| Yeah, eventually you figure out that the best spot is Southern California. | ||
| Yeah, you figure out, wait a minute, there's a spot where it never gets so cold that it snows. | ||
| Okay, there's no hurricanes. | ||
| You have to worry about earthquakes every now and then. | ||
| But there's no lightning. | ||
| It has the worst traffic in the world. | ||
| It has the worst traffic in the world. | ||
| Because it rules. | ||
| But climate has nothing to do with climate. | ||
| It's like the climate here is the reason why everybody flocks to this place. | ||
| It's way easier to live here. | ||
| That is true. | ||
| It's like club promoters. | ||
| When a club in LA, when a club rises and falls, the club promoters don't die with the club. | ||
| They just find a new location and they just keep moving. | ||
| The original club was Sumeria. | ||
| It was blowing up. | ||
| It was going off. | ||
| Then it closed down. | ||
| The promoters moved to Egypt. | ||
| They blew that up for a while. | ||
| That shit closed down. | ||
| People got tired of Egypt. | ||
| Then they blew it up in Israel. | ||
| They had to change all the names and all their stories of creation. | ||
| Then it went to Rome, and then it split off, and then it ended up in England and Germany. | ||
| It totally makes sense if that part of the world is backwards because it's just like going back home. | ||
| I mean, that's what I'm talking about. | ||
| It's like going back home. | ||
| If I went back home to Boston and hung out, I would think, like, God, the dudes I went to high school with, like, dude, you're still living in this fucking crazy land. | ||
| Like, why didn't you escape? | ||
| And that's what it's like in Sumer. | ||
| It's like Sumer, you know, it became Iraq, and everybody eventually moved on to other places in the world. | ||
| People who weren't satisfied with where they were and how life was, if that's where all human beings supposedly came from, everybody who left is the people that were trying to find something better. | ||
| It kind of makes sense. | ||
| It kind of makes sense that if everybody, if that really is the cradle of civilization and everybody left from there trying to find something better, of course the people that remain suck. | ||
| It just totally makes sense. | ||
| Saddam didn't suck. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| How dare you all? | ||
| How dare everybody listening to this at this point in time? | ||
| Okay, what's next? | ||
| Zachariah Sitchin. | ||
| Did you see Get Him to the Greek, Eddie? | ||
| Hell yeah. | ||
| Did you like it? | ||
| I loved it. | ||
| I loved it. | ||
| What would you rate it as? | ||
| Like five stars? | ||
| Not quite as good as Hangover, but right under Hangover. | ||
| I thought it was really good, man. | ||
| I laughed out loud at least ten times. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| Ten times where I was like, oh! | ||
| They killed it. | ||
| That dude, the main dude, the fat guy, he's awesome. | ||
| I love that guy. | ||
| He is pretty good, man. | ||
| That guy is badass. | ||
| He's funny in every... | ||
| They must let him go off because it's not a coincidence that he always has great lines. | ||
| And you know who impressed me? | ||
| Fucking P. Diddy. | ||
| His acting was like 80% on. | ||
| It was way better than 50 Cent. | ||
| It was an Academy Award winning performance. | ||
| But he pulled it off and he made me laugh too. | ||
| There's a little argument with that one R&B singer, remember, with the pink shirt? | ||
| What's that guy's name? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pharrell? | |
| Pharrell? | ||
| Dude, that was hilarious. | ||
| Dude, that was funny, dude. | ||
| It was so funny. | ||
| They're putting it in the previews now. | ||
| That's part of the previews. | ||
| I haven't seen this, so don't give any spoilers away. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Yeah, you gotta see it. | ||
| I love that Russell Brand guy, too. | ||
| He's hilarious. | ||
| P. Diddy was probably the best part about that movie, though. | ||
| He was good. | ||
| I saw Splice, and I posted that on my Twitter. | ||
| That was one of the worst movies I've ever seen in my life. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was so ridiculous. | ||
| Did you see Splice? | ||
| No, you could tell. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, dude. | |
| I didn't think I could tell. | ||
| I thought that movie looked badass. | ||
| I thought it looked badass. | ||
| I was so looking forward to that movie. | ||
| I was like, oh my god. | ||
| Did it die a horrible death at the box office? | ||
| I don't know how it did. | ||
| It actually didn't do that good. | ||
| It wasn't in the top five. | ||
| It got 70-something percent on Rotten Tomatoes. | ||
| But listen how crazy this movie is, okay? | ||
| This guy has this girlfriend. | ||
| They're both scientists. | ||
| They're doing all these experiments with human DNA, and they figure out how to synthesize human DNA with animal DNA. I think it was lizards or some shit. | ||
| I don't know what the fuck they spliced it with. | ||
| So they just wanted to see if they could do it. | ||
| So she closes the door and does it, you know, like, so he can't stop her, and he runs in, and she presses the button. | ||
| It's, like, really ridiculous. | ||
| And she makes this half-human being, half-animal lizard fucking thing, whatever the fuck it was. | ||
| The story's so goofy. | ||
| So they raise this, and it becomes a person. | ||
| Yeah, oh, spoiler like a motherfucker. | ||
| You want to plug your ears? | ||
| Yeah, I'm still going to see it. | ||
| You're going to see this? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Because I have a feeling that I'm going to like it. | ||
| Because I've read, I've actually, because after you made me not see it, and then I kind of got angry, and then I was talking to some friends of mine, and they said, dude, what is he talking about? | ||
| That movie was fucking awesome. | ||
| Oh my god, dude. | ||
| Well, you're like Nacho Libre, and we walked out. | ||
| Remember in Atlanta? | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| In Atlanta, we all walked out. | ||
| All right, all right. | ||
| Nacho Libre was just you guys walking out. | ||
| This movie is so dumb. | ||
| In three minutes. | ||
| No, you don't know how dumb this movie is. | ||
| This movie makes Nacho Libre look like Citizen Kane. | ||
| Nacho Libre was awful. | ||
| But you guys only gave it like three or five minutes or something. | ||
| You're like, let's get out of here. | ||
| It was so bad. | ||
| It was offensive. | ||
| It was hurting my head. | ||
| Yeah, there's no way. | ||
| There's no way they had like 20. I gave them 20 attempts at jokes. | ||
| And two people in the front laughed. | ||
| I'm like, damn, these are their jokes. | ||
| Like, if you're waiting this long to throw in some funny shit, there's no way the ending's going to be good. | ||
| And I'm a Jack Black fan. | ||
| I think he's hilarious. | ||
| I love his movies. | ||
| I love that Rock and Roll High, whatever the fuck it was. | ||
| Yeah, that was good. | ||
| Rock School. | ||
| That was good. | ||
| It was really good. | ||
| And he was excellent in Tropic Thunder. | ||
| Have you seen that? | ||
| He was great in King Kong. | ||
| No, I haven't seen Tropic Thunder. | ||
| You still haven't seen Tropic Thunder. | ||
| It's one of my must-sees. | ||
| That's a for-sure hangover. | ||
| Tropic Thunder is a for-sure hangover. | ||
| Okay, I'll see it. | ||
| I keep fucking putting it off. | ||
| But, yeah, I mean, that movie was... | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| This splice is way worse. | ||
| This splice... | ||
| Plug your ears, bitch. | ||
| I will see it by next week. | ||
| This is how crazy it is. | ||
| They make this thing. | ||
| It grows really quick. | ||
| And all of a sudden, it's from a baby. | ||
| It grows almost instantly to a grown woman. | ||
| So they have this grown woman alien thing, and they don't know where to keep her, so they keep her in a storage room. | ||
| They're like, nobody goes down there. | ||
| So they set up a bedroom in the fucking storage room of this place where they work, and they keep this fucking alien there. | ||
| The thing's only been alive for a couple months, and then Adrian Brody fucks it. | ||
| No. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I gotta see it. | ||
| Now I'm seeing it. | ||
| Now I gotta see it. | ||
| It's a fucking... | ||
| Not only is it an alien, like real crazy, it's got a tail and fucked up legs and everything, but it's also three months old. | ||
| He's fucking this thing. | ||
| It's three months old. | ||
| How's her body? | ||
| She's got tits and she's kind of like sexy looking. | ||
| It's like they took a sexy chick and just did some CGI on her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah, she escaped and eats a rabbit. | ||
| She escapes and she can fly. | ||
| She's got wings. | ||
| She flies. | ||
| She lands and eats a fucking rabbit and they're not even freaking out. | ||
| They're like, why are you doing that? | ||
| Don't do that. | ||
| Stop. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| It's so bad. | ||
| I'm gonna see it. | ||
| That sounds good. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| He has to go see it. | ||
| He has to. | ||
| I'm not hurting it. | ||
| Let me tell you something. | ||
| This movie is so goddamn bad. | ||
| I think it might turn into one of those movies that's like a cult hit. | ||
| Because it's so bad, people are going to go see it again and again. | ||
| Now, this is what I did hear about it. | ||
| I heard that there was actually parts in it that were supposed to be funny, and that has nothing to do with it. | ||
| Oh, shut your mouth. | ||
| There was like a humor to it. | ||
| They weren't trying to be funny. | ||
| If they were, they're brilliant. | ||
| They said it in an interview that a lot of people aren't getting the humor of the movie. | ||
| Oh my God, you mean the whole movie? | ||
| That's the humor. | ||
| The humor is the whole movie. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| Are you sure that you weren't baked and you didn't get the humor? | ||
| I wasn't baked at all. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| In your defense, Brian, I think you might like it because you like crazy shit like that. | ||
| You like Nacho Libre. | ||
| Nobody likes Nacho Libre. | ||
| If you go in and want to see something ridiculous, you're going to like it. | ||
| But if you go in thinking you're going to get the shit scared out of you like some new alien movie, that's what I thought it was going to be. | ||
| When I saw it, it looks like she was threatening in the previews. | ||
| It looks like she was threatening one of the scientists. | ||
| I'm like, oh, they create something, and it's fucking crazy, and it gets out of control, and it's scary. | ||
| I remember seeing it this week, and I can't wait to discuss it. | ||
| I can't wait to discuss it with you. | ||
| I might bring a bag of rocks. | ||
| Fucking throw at you. | ||
| Because there has been movies that we totally disagree on. | ||
| It's kind of funny how people get upset when someone likes something that they don't like. | ||
| Like iPhones? | ||
| Yeah, like anything. | ||
| What about MacGruber? | ||
| Did you like MacGruber? | ||
| I've not seen MacGruber, but when I first saw the preview, I thought it looked like the dumbest fucking movie I've ever seen in my life. | ||
| But I heard it was awesome. | ||
| I heard it was dog shit. | ||
| I heard it was awesome. | ||
| No, I heard it was dog shit. | ||
| Really? | ||
| MacGruber? | ||
| I haven't heard a thing. | ||
| It was stupid on SNL. How the hell did they make a movie out of that? | ||
| The preview looks retarded. | ||
| SNL is one of those things that's really been kept alive because of YouTube clips. | ||
| When a good SNL sketch gets on YouTube, it makes you want to watch SNL again. | ||
| But otherwise, I would have no desire. | ||
| It's been kept alive by Andy Sandler, whatever his name is. | ||
| Who's that? | ||
| The young guy that makes all those skits on a boat and stuff. | ||
| That dude's hilarious. | ||
| Oh, is he the one that's... | ||
| I've never seen that sketch, but I heard that song. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| He does all these little skits on Saturday Night Live, and it makes the show, in my opinion. | ||
| That and the one main girl on there, that's hilarious. | ||
| Dude, I haven't watched Saturday Night Live in years. | ||
| I haven't watched it in so long. | ||
| But I watch a good monologue on YouTube or something like that. | ||
| There's just certain shows that after a while, I'm like, that's it. | ||
| Done. | ||
| I can't keep coming back that well. | ||
| You know, you fucked me too many times. | ||
| Andy Samberg. | ||
| I just got into True Blood. | ||
| You guys into True Blood? | ||
| No, I watched one half an episode and I was like, this is silliness. | ||
| Yeah, you gotta watch it from the first episode. | ||
| I am so goddamn tired of vampires that don't eat people. | ||
| I mean, what kind of nonsense are we playing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Barely. | |
| Do you know the premise of it? | ||
| Yeah, they have some fake blood that they use. | ||
| And they finally came out. | ||
| Vampires came out. | ||
| Why do you like that show? | ||
| I dig it. | ||
| Dude, seriously? | ||
| Because I'm bored? | ||
| No, I like it. | ||
| That's like mixing vampires with Gilmore Girls. | ||
| It's like that's the worst shit ever, man. | ||
| That's so gay. | ||
| Did you see episode one? | ||
| You gotta see the first episode. | ||
| I've seen the first, whatever, season, two seasons or whatever. | ||
| You saw two seasons and it was gay? | ||
| Oh, I hate it. | ||
| I don't understand. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You'll stop after five episodes. | |
| There's been many shows where I've watched because of my girlfriend. | ||
| That's one of them. | ||
| Brian went to see Sex and the City. | ||
| Sex and the City, too. | ||
| It was 50 times better than that show. | ||
| That show to me was just... | ||
| I was amazed that people liked that show. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| I like the premise. | ||
| Dexter, on the other hand. | ||
| I never watched that show. | ||
| I watched Dexter. | ||
| I never watched that show, but I did watch half an episode. | ||
| And I was like, you know what? | ||
| I have just hit vampire overload. | ||
| There's just too many fucking vampire shows, man. | ||
| It's too silly. | ||
| There's too many different rules that people are making up for vampires now. | ||
| Like, oh, they can go in the light, but they just sparkle. | ||
| Like, fuck you, man. | ||
| No, there's some rules for vampires, alright? | ||
| The rule is, if you're going to drink people's blood, when the sun comes out, you fucking die, bitch. | ||
| You're supposed to hide. | ||
| You hide in the dark. | ||
| You can't be going to high school, walking around with everybody because it's cloudy. | ||
| That's retarded. | ||
| This is stupid. | ||
| This is fucking... | ||
| You can't keep doing this. | ||
| And it's like, to me, it's a symptom of our culture. | ||
| All these vampire movies are a symptom of our culture. | ||
| We live in fantasy lives. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For real. | |
| The reason why people are so into this, it's like, when you... | ||
| When you look at how infantile our culture is, we want to believe that there is silly fake shit out there like vampires. | ||
| We believe so much retarded shit as far as just what the government feeds us and the news feeds us and what corporations feed us and our perceptions of how we have this world under control and everything's fine and wars are just and all the crazy shit that we justify ourselves doing. | ||
| If we can believe all that shit, why not vampires? | ||
| It's fucking half a step away. | ||
| It's half a step away. | ||
| Is there a movement? | ||
| Are there websites about people that really have evidence that vampires really exist? | ||
| There's people that think they're vampires. | ||
| People that think they're vampires are straight blood. | ||
| For real? | ||
| People have committed murders because of that. | ||
| Because they believe they're vampires. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| There's people that think they're werewolves. | ||
| They think they're fucking clothes off. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| What if that's real? | ||
| There's people that shave their teeth into fangs, Eddie. | ||
| There's people that shave their teeth into fangs. | ||
| Oh, I've seen that, but that's just golf. | ||
| At a certain point in time, it's like, yeah, okay, look, the guy's not undead, and yeah, he's not going to live forever, and he's not going to drink people's blood to stay alive, but people are crazy enough to think that they are vampires to truly believe it and actually go out and murder somebody and drink their blood. | ||
| People are that nuts, man. | ||
| What if that's real shit? | ||
| If you're a fucking complete and total loser and you have nothing going on in your life, your life is unbelievably bad. | ||
| And the only thing that's exciting is the thought of biting someone's neck and sucking their blood out and killing them. | ||
| What if vampires have Anunnaki blood and they just mix it all up? | ||
| What if, man? | ||
| King Kong. | ||
| Did you guys hear about that case in Texas? | ||
| I think it was 2006, 2006, where the woman named her kids after Satan. | ||
| Like, they were named after, like, satanic names. | ||
| And then on that day, she murdered them all, and they, like, drank their blood or something. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think it was 2006. It's acceptable. | ||
| It's like, okay, I understand where you're coming from. | ||
| I understand that's what you believe. | ||
| I understand, you know, everybody has their own point of view. | ||
| But when you start talking about devils, you start talking about Satan, like, Jesus Christ, really? | ||
| You think there's a fucking bad man who's pulling people's strings and tempting you with pussy and cigarettes, and you really, you think that's real? | ||
| That a devil makes you make bad decisions and makes you rape and beat people up and shit? | ||
| You think the devil's doing that, tempting you? | ||
| That's so infantile. | ||
| It's amazing that people even consider it. | ||
| And we know that. | ||
| There's a part of us that knows that talking about the devil is ridiculous. | ||
| That's why you don't hear the president talking about it. | ||
| The president will always talk about God. | ||
| He'll never talk about the devil. | ||
| The president was like, may God bless our troops. | ||
| We believe that God is on our side. | ||
| Bush said a bunch of wacky God shit. | ||
| Never once did he say, we've found Satan and he's in Iraq. | ||
| We know where Satan is. | ||
| We're going to drill to the core of the earth until we find Satan. | ||
| We're going to extract Satan. | ||
| You mentioned Satan at all. | ||
| You mentioned Satan at all and you're fucking crazy. | ||
| You can say, you know, we believe we have found the actual cross that Jesus was nailed on. | ||
| And people will go, wow, holy shit. | ||
| You can say, we think we've found where Satan used to live. | ||
| They'll go, get the fuck out of here! | ||
| You what? | ||
| Huh? | ||
| You can actually say, you can be an archaeologist, and you can say, we believe we found the cross that Jesus was nailed on. | ||
| But if you say, we think we found the box where Satan lived in, people would go, shut the fuck up! | ||
| They wouldn't even talk to you. | ||
| They wouldn't even take you serious for a second. | ||
| They would go, this crazy asshole thinks he found where the devil lives. | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
| Satan is a force, dude. | ||
| It's not a person. | ||
| Dude, it's not a real guy, man. | ||
| Isn't he a fallen angel? | ||
| I'm confused. | ||
| I mean, isn't he supposed to be? | ||
| He used to be cool. | ||
| And they fucked up. | ||
| He got shitty with God. | ||
| I'm sorry for going off on True Blood. | ||
| I'm just on Team Jacob, and it kind of gets to me. | ||
| It's all right, brother. | ||
| It's all right, man. | ||
| Again, werewolves who don't eat people. | ||
| That's another fucking thing. | ||
| We want our goddamn cake, and we want to eat it, too. | ||
| We want all the sexy and none of the murder. | ||
| Werewolf was stupid, right? | ||
| You know what? | ||
| The Wolfman was stupid, but I bought it on DVD because I'm such a sucker for fucking horror movies. | ||
| That's how much I love horror movies. | ||
| I'll buy mediocre horror movies and watch them on DVD. I put it on the background while I was writing. | ||
| Nightmare on Elm Street, the new one. | ||
| Did you see it? | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| Brian? | ||
| No. | ||
| I like that actor, though. | ||
| That's that dude from The Watchmen. | ||
| He's the new Freddy Krueger. | ||
| The dude who played Rorschach. | ||
| Yeah, but what's wrong with the old Freddy Krueger? | ||
| He's too old. | ||
| He's too old. | ||
| You got an actor just to look like Freddy Krueger. | ||
| That's one character he could play until he's 98, because the older he is in real life, the better that character is going to look. | ||
| Yeah, why would they cut out the old Freddy when he was the shit? | ||
| You know what? | ||
| The problem is he became a joke. | ||
| Or money. | ||
| You think you wanted too much money? | ||
| Maybe, because, I mean, seriously, the new guy just had makeup on to look like the old guy, you know? | ||
| So there's not really any reason other than that. | ||
| No, he looked a little different. | ||
| You did? | ||
| Yeah, it looked a little creepier. | ||
| I saw some pictures of it online. | ||
| I didn't see the movie, but it looked a little creepier. | ||
| The new guy, is he young? | ||
| He's not, no. | ||
| Well, he's a little younger. | ||
| Did he play himself? | ||
| Was this like a prequel, like they showed before? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| I didn't see it. | ||
| That may have been the case, because Robert Englund's like 75. I thought it was just a redo. | ||
| I thought he just rebooted it. | ||
| Maybe it is. | ||
| Is Robert Englund, is he in bad shape? | ||
| No, I mean, I think I saw on the news he was upset about it, you know? | ||
| So I was like, why didn't he just use him? | ||
| Well, when you try to reboot something, you want to do a different actor. | ||
| I mean, how many goddamn times are they going to do the Hulk? | ||
| You know, they did the Eric Bana one, and they're like, damn, what's just wrong about this one? | ||
| What about Captain America? | ||
| Aren't they doing it again, or they're trying it again? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I know they did one back, like, what, ten years ago? | ||
| The Hulk is the weirdest one, though, because they did it, like, a couple years after the old one. | ||
| The Eric Bana came out, and then like two or three years later, the fucking Edward Norton one came out. | ||
| When is Wonder Woman coming out? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Who would play Wonder Woman? | ||
| Megan Fox. | ||
| Megan Fox. | ||
| Fuck yeah, for sure. | ||
| Or Scarlett Johansson. | ||
| She's too short. | ||
| Dude, she's got some big tit ties though. | ||
| She's built like Wonder Woman. | ||
| She's got that wonder ass. | ||
| Chazam! | ||
| I think Wonder Woman gotta be tall. | ||
| Yeah, but you can make her tall. | ||
| Just put her with a bunch of short people. | ||
| You put her with a bunch of short people and you give her high heels. | ||
| That's how Tom Cruise rocks it in his movies. | ||
| You just give him a little lift and put him around people that aren't as tall as him. | ||
| I wonder what the tallest guy is that starred with Tom Cruise over the last 15 years. | ||
| Brad Pitt talked about how they had scenes where Tom Cruise had to stand on planks and shit. | ||
| Really? | ||
| No way. | ||
| They tried to make him appear to be the same height. | ||
| Brad Pitt was throwing him under the bus? | ||
| Not throwing him under the bus, but they were talking about it in the interview and Brad Pitt was confirming it. | ||
| Yeah, what about Evangely Lilly doing Wonder Woman. | ||
| The girl from Lost, Kate from Lost, that would be a hot Wonder Woman. | ||
| Yeah, she's pretty hot. | ||
| Yeah, that would work. | ||
| That would be great. | ||
| Megan Fox got to be Wonder Woman for sure. | ||
| No one would question that at all. | ||
| She's black hair, blue eyes. | ||
| Interesting conversation I read with Brad Pitt talking about Tom Cruise, about working on that movie together, and something about how- Vampire one? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Interview with the vampire, and saying that he wished that- Something about how he wished Tom Cruise wasn't so competitive. | ||
| Something like, you know, I wish they could be better friends if Tom Cruise wasn't more competitive. | ||
| I wish I remember the quote. | ||
| I hope I'm quoting it correctly. | ||
| But that's fascinating, you know? | ||
| For sure, because Brad Pitt was just coming up then. | ||
| That was a new guy. | ||
| He was just coming up. | ||
| And Tom Cruise, like, he, you know, he... | ||
| He campaigned for that role. | ||
| He wanted that role. | ||
| A lot of people did not want him to play that vampire. | ||
| The Anne Rice people didn't take him seriously because her work was so serious. | ||
| It was such good writing. | ||
| And they thought Tom Cruise is this cheeseball actor who did Top Gun, all these stupid movies. | ||
| They're like, this guy can't play Lestat, this really intense vampire. | ||
| But goddamn, that little freaking act. | ||
| He pulled that shit off strong, man. | ||
| How good was that? | ||
| That was a great movie. | ||
| One of the greatest... | ||
| That's a goddamn vampire movie, son! | ||
| That's the real shit, you know? | ||
| I mean, those are scary monsters trapped in, you know, a person's body. | ||
| A person, you know, their soul is trapped in this scary monster's body that needs to eat people. | ||
| That movie was badass. | ||
| The little girl, Kristen Dunst. | ||
| How fucking creepy was she? | ||
| That little chick could act, man. | ||
| In the Lost Boys. | ||
| Dude, the Lost Boys. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Bram Strokers was the best, though. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Yeah, that was a good one, man. | ||
| Gary Oldman's the motherfucker. | ||
| He crushes. | ||
| He's the motherfucker, dude. | ||
| He's that guy. | ||
| He's the best. | ||
| I think he gets into roles more than anybody does. | ||
| He, like, transforms. | ||
| Remember he played that fucking drug dealer in True Romance? | ||
| How good was that shit? | ||
| Fuck yeah, that movie was good. | ||
| The ghetto white guy? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, the dude with the dreadlocks. | ||
| Have you been following Gary Coleman's shit around lately? | ||
| I heard Anthony from Opie and Anthony say that he thought that Gary's wife killed him. | ||
| Well, she was trying to sell photos of him laying in bed minutes before he died to TMZ. Did you hear that? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| And she sold them. | ||
| Somebody bought them. | ||
| But she was shopping around. | ||
| She took a bunch of photos of him in bed, I guess all fucked up. | ||
| Right before she died, the nurses and doctors all saw it. | ||
| And then she shopped around the photos and somebody just bought them, I guess today or yesterday. | ||
| How fucked up is that? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| He must have had a real tiny dick, huh? | ||
| Sometimes short guys, just like mini me, sometimes short guys have big ass dicks so it balances itself out. | ||
| But he probably was short. | ||
| It didn't matter even if he had a big dick. | ||
| He's a sad guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are you talking about? | |
| It would have helped. | ||
| Look at Vern Troyer is hanging in there. | ||
| He's partying. | ||
| Oh, that guy's depressed as fuck. | ||
| Did you ever watch him on a Celebrity Rehab show? | ||
| That was horrendous. | ||
| He was on Celebrity Rehab? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Vern Troyer? | ||
| Dude, he was the biggest disaster of all time. | ||
| Not bigger than Tom Sizemore? | ||
| Oh my god, dude. | ||
| Dude, so fucked up. | ||
| I only saw the last season. | ||
| That is the best show on TV, Celebrity Rehab. | ||
| But I haven't seen anything else. | ||
| Vern Troyer was like pissing in his room. | ||
| He was crying. | ||
| Oh, that wasn't Celebrity Rehab. | ||
| What was it? | ||
| That was... | ||
| Yeah, that was the one with the... | ||
| What time is it, guy? | ||
| Like all the B-level celebrities. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Celebrity Rehab? | |
| Celebrity House? | ||
| What was that? | ||
| What the hell was it? | ||
| Someone's going to talk about it. | ||
| It wasn't Celebrity Rehab. | ||
| I saw what you were talking about. | ||
| Yeah, he was pissing all over himself. | ||
| He's on this little buggy, driving around in a little buggy. | ||
| Anyway, the point is, I don't think that guy's that happy. | ||
| I think he's a mess. | ||
| Thank God we have Webster. | ||
| I follow him on Twitter. | ||
| Webster's stock just went up. | ||
| I'm going to follow him today. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Vern Troyer? | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| I'll find it. | ||
| Surreal life. | ||
| Thank you, everybody. | ||
| Surreal life. | ||
| Twitter.com backslash tinypoop. | ||
| I think, yeah, man, I think that's got to be one of the greatest tortures in life, to be, you know, deformed, trying to make fun of your deformity to make a living. | ||
| And, you know, but think about that. | ||
| Most people, you look at, like, someone with no arms, no legs, and really, like, our first instinct is, like, damn, he's never going to be truly loved. | ||
| He's never going to be desired. | ||
| Like, can you imagine being this person who is not desired? | ||
| No one wants them sexually. | ||
| But really, we're all eventually going to be there. | ||
| Because I'm sure a hot 22-year-old supermodel would rather fuck Gray Maynard. | ||
| Not Gray Maynard. | ||
| What's his name? | ||
| What's that? | ||
| The guy with no arms, no legs? | ||
| Oh, Kyle. | ||
| Kyle Maynard. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Than some 90-year-old man. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| We're eventually gonna get there. | ||
| We're gonna be just as desirable. | ||
| So that's what it's all about? | ||
| It's how much people wanna fuck you? | ||
| Desirable. | ||
| That's the quality of your life? | ||
| No, but that's the instinct. | ||
| When you look at someone who's deformed, you're like, oh my god, no one's ever gonna love them. | ||
| Because girls are programmed to stay away sexually, generally, from burn victims, people that... | ||
| Amputees. | ||
| Right. | ||
| We all are. | ||
| Cripples. | ||
| Yeah, we are. | ||
| It's a natural thing. | ||
| So when we look at someone who's in a wheelchair, we think, fuck, that sucks. | ||
| He's so young and he's fucked. | ||
| But eventually, we're going to get there. | ||
| They just got it in advance. | ||
| We're all going to walk through that fire unless we die early. | ||
| But we're all going to be just as desired as that person. | ||
| So it's something to think about. | ||
| It's like, really, what's life all about? | ||
| We're all going to end up living half our lives at least where no one wants to fuck us. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| How are you going to handle that? | ||
| What's a much bigger issue is that they don't have freedom. | ||
| They're locked in a trap of a body and they never get to be a normal person. | ||
| They're surrounded by other people that are normal. | ||
| That's the torture, man. | ||
| It's not just whether or not people want to fuck them. | ||
| Yeah, but Eddie, isn't it that you're going to get married though, 50% of that time you're going to be with somebody maybe that That doesn't want to be desired by most people either, but you both are undesirable together. | ||
| And you go 20 years without having sex. | ||
| We haven't had sex in 20 years. | ||
| I don't think the desirable thing is as much of a, you know, as a factor with those people as why me? | ||
| You know, why did I get fucked? | ||
| Why am I the person with this terrible situation? | ||
| Why can't I just be normal? | ||
| I don't even, I mean, sure, everybody wants people to love them, but I think what they really want is to just not be a mess, you know, to not be a physical mess, not be... | ||
| You know, some sort of a genetic aberration. | ||
| You know, that's what the terrible feeling of pain is. | ||
| You know, that's why these guys are all fucked up and angry. | ||
| And Gary Coleman was angry as fuck before he died. | ||
| You know, you always hear about stories about him yelling at people. | ||
| He had to work a regular job, man. | ||
| He was working as a security guard. | ||
| Could you imagine people would just come up to him and fuck with him all day? | ||
| Yeah, the only reason I know that is because of the Dave Chappelle sketch that he did on Gary Coleman. | ||
| I never saw that. | ||
| Oh, it's amazing. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| It's amazing, dude. | ||
| What did he do? | ||
| He plays Gary Coleman, so he plays the whole sketch on his knees as a security guard. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| And then some chick, he fights a chick, some chick's fighting. | ||
| And then they cut to, like, the chick fighting a doll. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's so bad. | |
| It's so bad. | ||
| A doll in his security outfit? | ||
| And she's tossing Gary Coleman around. | ||
| She throws him, and then it's... | ||
| His show was so ridiculous. | ||
| What was the one sketch where he was fighting King Kong and he hit Godzilla with an uppercut and knocked him out? | ||
| What the fuck was that? | ||
| It was so ridiculous. | ||
| What was that sketch? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But remember when he has that sketch? | ||
| It was the last season, the unfinished season, where he goes back and he fucks with everybody who told him that people that didn't believe in him, like club owners and all that stuff. | ||
| He blew up the old... | ||
| club that he was banned from. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And he fucked up his old acting teacher who told him that he would never make it. | ||
| So it's like a sketch where he goes back. | ||
| And then at the very end, when he goes to the comedy club to blow up the comedy club, he blows it up and he walks out. | ||
| And there's like a lady walking across the street and he's so on fire that he blew the club up. | ||
| The club owner was in a wheelchair and he threw him down the steps and let the place on fire. | ||
| He takes his baby, this random lady's crossing the street, he takes his baby and punk kicks the baby. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just out of nowhere. | |
| That's how the sketch ends. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like he was so happy that he got his revenge that he grabs his newborn baby and punt kicks it. | |
| That had nothing to do with the sketch. | ||
| That's so ridiculous. | ||
| His show was so ridiculous. | ||
| You guys remember the first episode of Different Strokes where Mr. Drummond took his two new boys, Willis and Arnold, and they all got in the hot tub together and they were all wearing tighty-whities? | ||
| No. | ||
| It was really creepy as a kid and it haunts me every day. | ||
| Wow, how weird is that? | ||
| I love Different Strokes. | ||
| That was one of my favorite shows. | ||
| It's gross. | ||
| That episode's creepy. | ||
| Todd Bridges was on Fear Factor, and he's an angry dude. | ||
| He's got a... | ||
| I mean, he kept it together for the most part up until the part where he lost. | ||
| He got eliminated. | ||
| He didn't even want to shake my hand. | ||
| Really? | ||
| He walked away, wouldn't shake my hand. | ||
| Yeah, he was upset. | ||
| He thought it was some sort of conspiracy to make him lose. | ||
| I don't exactly know what the fuck he had to do or what he was upset about, but he was so upset he didn't want to shake my hand. | ||
| I'm like, wow. | ||
| Now you see why this dude, you know, why his life is kind of fucked up. | ||
| Like, his automatic way of looking at things is like negative. | ||
| His automatic way of looking at things is like, someone's out to get me. | ||
| Someone's fucking with me. | ||
| Oh, it ain't gonna be fair. | ||
| Oh, I see how it is. | ||
| You know, it's like automatically. | ||
| Like, dude, there's fucking six people on the show. | ||
| Five of them have to be losers. | ||
| You're one of the five. | ||
| Shit happens, man. | ||
| and you gotta move on with your life. | ||
| But not for him, man. | ||
| He's an angry dude. | ||
| Which is kinda interesting, man. | ||
| We were talking about this before, that toxoplasma, that's that cat tranquilizer, or the cat parasite, rather. | ||
| We talked about this on other shows before, but I watched a documentary yesterday, read some articles about it, and this thing called toxoplasma is a very common parasite that human beings get that completely alters our behavior. | ||
| And get this, in Brazil, 66% of the population is infected with this toxoplasma. | ||
| And it does two things. | ||
| It makes women submissive, and it makes men reckless jerks. | ||
| Makes men assholes, and it makes chicks submissive. | ||
| It sounds like... | ||
| Like Brazil. | ||
| Ecstasy. | ||
| Dude, no, no, no. | ||
| Not like that. | ||
| It makes men reckless. | ||
| It makes them do stupid shit. | ||
| Like coke. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| It reprograms the mind. | ||
| It's a parasite. | ||
| This is the crazy thing. | ||
| The parasite exists first in rats. | ||
| And what it does with rats is it gets rats convinced that it rewires their sexual brain, the sexual aspect of their brain, and it gets them to be aroused and connected to cat piss. | ||
| So these rats, it hijacks their sexual system. | ||
| So their sexual system all of a sudden becomes sexually aroused. | ||
| Like their testes swell, their balls swell, because they smell cat piss. | ||
| So these motherfuckers are searching after cat piss. | ||
| So they're going towards where cats live. | ||
| Where cats mark their territory. | ||
| They're attracted to that. | ||
| And they're not afraid of cats anymore for whatever reason. | ||
| So the cats obviously eat these rats because the rats are retarded. | ||
| They stand there while the cat's there with their balls all swollen and a heart on. | ||
| The cat eats them. | ||
| The cat eats the rats. | ||
| Then the cat hangs around with people. | ||
| And we, you know, have to clean the cat's shit. | ||
| And when people clean the cat's shit, sometimes people touch the cat's shit. | ||
| And if you touch the cat's shit and it gets inside your bloodstream through either an open sore or maybe something in your food or maybe you touch your eyes or something like that, that shit gets in your body, man. | ||
| And 60 million people in this country are infected by it. | ||
| And it affects your behavior. | ||
| It changes your behavior. | ||
| Can you get it from blowjobs? | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| You could get it from raining cat shit all over your dick. | ||
| You could get it from touching raw meat as well. | ||
| Yeah, 60-something million people in this country are affected by it. | ||
| And they said a disproportionate amount of people who die in motorcycle accidents. | ||
| One of the things he was talking about was that they would test motorcycle accident victims for toxoplasma because the toxoplasma, this parasite, this cat parasite, makes people do nutty shit. | ||
| It makes people wild. | ||
| Cats used to rule the world. | ||
| Maybe this used to be bigger than it is now. | ||
| Maybe that's what the cat's rule of the world thing is. | ||
| Are people getting rid of their cats now? | ||
| Are you getting rid of your cats? | ||
| No. | ||
| Maybe Redman has it. | ||
| He's all submissive. | ||
| He is. | ||
| But he'd be a woman. | ||
| Pyramids. | ||
| But look, if you think about Brazilians, Brazilian men are notoriously aggressive, Brazilian women notoriously submissive and sexual. | ||
| You know, maybe that's what it is. | ||
| I mean, 66%, two out of three women of childbearing age are infected with this cat parasite. | ||
| I wonder if it has something to do with their asses, if there's a connection. | ||
| You think? | ||
| That's why they put their ass in it. | ||
| There's a reason that 85% of all women between the ages of 18 and 48 have great asses in Rio. | ||
| There's got to be something. | ||
| It could be cat piss. | ||
| It could be the milk. | ||
| And why do cats put their butt up in the air when you tap on it? | ||
| Because they want you to get that dirty shit. | ||
| Yeah, that's right. | ||
| It's like, no, look, I got this for you. | ||
| Suck on this ass. | ||
| That's an interesting thing that you said that because that's one of the things that one of these articles was saying was that people who are normally polite people, when they sneeze, will sometimes inadvertently or unconsciously turn towards people and sneeze. | ||
| They don't even realize why they're doing it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| They almost have an instinct to turn towards people and sneeze. | ||
| I've seen people do it before. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Well, they go like this. | ||
| Like, you stand here, you go... | ||
| Like, literally, you have, like, your body is trying to get you to fucking blow a sneeze on somebody. | ||
| This is the theory. | ||
| How many cats do you have, Brian? | ||
| It's very possible, if you think about what it does to cats and what it does to people, it's very possible that some viruses could try to get you to be attracted to people when they expel. | ||
| How many cats do you have? | ||
| I have two, but Joey Diaz has ten or nine. | ||
| What the fuck, cocksucker? | ||
| Stop bringing up my cats! | ||
| I got a good amount! | ||
| Y'all need to get tested. | ||
| Seriously, man. | ||
| No shit, right? | ||
| I'm being real here. | ||
| No, totally, dude. | ||
| If you think about that, if your cat has ever been outside and you think your cat may have eaten a rat, you know... | ||
| Oh, my cats have never been outside. | ||
| Well, then I don't think you have to worry about it. | ||
| I think in Brazil, they leave those cats out a little bit more. | ||
| What's the cure to it anyway? | ||
| You're fucked. | ||
| You might have to change the cat box with condoms on your face. | ||
| No, that's not a cure. | ||
| It's going to keep you from infecting other cats. | ||
| No, exactly. | ||
| It'll keep you from getting in your pores. | ||
| Right, but that's not a cure. | ||
| That's a preventive method. | ||
| But once you get it, I don't think you can do anything about it. | ||
| The cure is just a water bottle that you spray yourself with. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's fascinating when you think about that your whole life could get hijacked. | ||
| Like some parasite could literally take over your body and talk your body into living a totally different life. | ||
| And what the doctor was talking about, the scientist, Sapolsky I believe his name is, what he was talking about was that the idea of free will is really an illusion. | ||
| Like there's a bunch of mitigating factors that cause you to move in one direction or another and to make certain decisions. | ||
| So to think that you have complete free will is kind of silly. | ||
| If you go on Amazon, there's a urine detector for cat urine. | ||
| And if you ever buy it, just be warned. | ||
| It doesn't just detect urine. | ||
| It detects a lot of gross shit. | ||
| So it's kind of cool. | ||
| Like what? | ||
| Like cum. | ||
| Like if you put it on your bed, it's just like all this shit comes up. | ||
| It's pretty scary. | ||
| Dude, but you've seen those inside edition things where they go to like hotel rooms and check the covers. | ||
| Oh, dude, dude just jizz all over the covers. | ||
| It's like a goddamn Jackson Pollock painting every time you walk in a room with a black light. | ||
| Just loads everywhere. | ||
| Loads all over the floor. | ||
| Loads on the wall. | ||
| You'll find loads everywhere. | ||
| Several times I've pulled out a load and just let it drip on the fucking carpet. | ||
| In a hotel? | ||
| Dude, have you ever thrown your come on the wall? | ||
| I've done that in come on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You have it. | |
| You have it just spilled on the carpet. | ||
| I might have. | ||
| I'm just not thinking about it. | ||
| I'm not judging you. | ||
| I might have, for sure, but I can't remember any. | ||
| You ever throw your come on the wall at a hotel room? | ||
| I've never done that. | ||
| No? | ||
| Try it. | ||
| It's so awesome. | ||
| Just take a look and just throw it on the wall. | ||
| It's like Spider-Man. | ||
| What the fuck is wrong with you? | ||
| Never done that. | ||
| Do it. | ||
| That is the nastiest fluid. | ||
| It's really pretty much the same thing as snot. | ||
| It's phlegm. | ||
| But the fact that it also can make babies, it just makes it ultra nasty. | ||
| It's weird how some girls love the taste of it and some girls don't. | ||
| If you had to choose between eating a dude's snot and eating a dude's load, for sure you're going to go with snot. | ||
| What? | ||
| You would take the load? | ||
| Aren't they meant chicks? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Say if a guy's got a gun to your head and says, listen, you're either going to eat this load or you're going to eat some snot. | ||
| You're like, alright, I'll eat your snot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Eating your snot is just rude. | ||
| But what if the snot was coming from the guy's dick also? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| That doesn't even make sense. | ||
| Like if somehow they put it in there. | ||
| Brian lives in an alternate world. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If a dick had a cold. | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| Like they packed the snot up in the dick and then squeezed it out. | ||
| Like a pastry thing. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Come from a dick or snot from a dick. | ||
| Which one would you take? | ||
| What are those pastry things called? | ||
| Those pastry squeezers. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I know what you're talking about. | ||
| I don't cook. | ||
| Imagine you could do that and stuff someone's snot up your dick like that and then squeeze it out. | ||
| Dick spit. | ||
| Dick spit. | ||
| I like that one. | ||
| I'm going to use that. | ||
| Have you guys been to Six Flags lately? | ||
| No. | ||
| I have. | ||
| I just found out I live like 15 miles away from it, so I got a season pass, go to the pool and stuff. | ||
| You go once. | ||
| It's amazing, though, if you go on the rides during the day, it's amazing how the people that work their roller coasters... | ||
| If you go on the highest, biggest roller coaster, you get the best employees, I guess, that work at Six Flags. | ||
| But if you go on that one boat that just rocks up and down, you obviously have the worst employees. | ||
| I had one guy, and I swear to God, he might be mentally handicapped, so I don't want... | ||
| But he literally is like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, everybody! | |
| And he's operating the ride? | ||
| Operating the ride. | ||
| I looked at him and I'm like, can I put my water bottle on the ground here? | ||
| And he just was like glassy staring. | ||
| He had no idea he was even there. | ||
| And I recorded him. | ||
| And he's operating the ride? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You have a video of this guy? | ||
| I don't have video, but I have his voice of us getting on the ride. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| And I'll play it for you in a second. | ||
| By the way, man, have you been on the roller coasters they've been playing or that they have? | ||
| X2 is insane. | ||
| I will never do that. | ||
| X2 is not like a regular roller coaster where you see where you're going. | ||
| You see the loops. | ||
| They flip you upside down. | ||
| You're upside down. | ||
| You're going backwards. | ||
| You start out backwards. | ||
| It's fucking horrifying. | ||
| You did it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's no way you can't be spinning. | ||
| Dude, my toes were curling. | ||
| Yeah, that's the one that does five dimensions or whatever they say. | ||
| Is that the one you're talking about where it spins up and down while you're going upside down? | ||
| You got the video? | ||
| Yeah, here it is. | ||
| All right, explain this again. | ||
| For people just tuning in? | ||
| Alright, this is the swing ride where you get on like a swing set. | ||
| So you have Six Flags. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're about to get on the ride. | ||
| And this is the guy that... | ||
| And there's a guy operating the ride that was really dumb, scary, something's wrong with him. | ||
| Very scary right now. | ||
| Listen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Before we embark on our journey, please ask that you please do not rock, twist, kick, or hold on to the pirate in front or behind you, or you will have to walk the plank. | |
| If at any time you start to feel safe and wish for your adventure, Oh my god. | ||
| That was pretty incredible. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| That guy's the guy who's operating this fucking death machine? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I had said something to him. | ||
| And I had said something to him, and he looked at me right in the eye, but it was like glass. | ||
| It was like, wow, this guy is not, like, this murder guy. | ||
| I mean, you know, maybe the dude is super responsible, just because he has this tremendous speech impediment. | ||
| Maybe he's a super responsible, super, like, conscientious guy. | ||
| Maybe he's deaf, dude. | ||
| Have you ever thought about that? | ||
| Maybe he was deaf. | ||
| Well, then you can't hear people screaming to stop the ride. | ||
| That can't be good. | ||
| Maybe it was. | ||
| If you're the fucking dude who's got the hand on the ride button. | ||
| Dude, that ride was nothing. | ||
| Babies go on those rides. | ||
| It's like a merry-go-round with swings. | ||
| What was it? | ||
| Which one was it? | ||
| That one? | ||
| That ride. | ||
| That one is the one that just spins in a circle, which is swings. | ||
| But still, I mean, it's a ride, you know? | ||
| Right, okay. | ||
| So you still think it's too dangerous for a retired... | ||
| Well, I mean, if something were to happen... | ||
| What do you think was wrong with him? | ||
| I think maybe Special Olympics. | ||
| Special Olympics? | ||
| No, there's no way Magic Mountain would hire a retard. | ||
| Okay, but what if there's all sorts of levels of impairment that human beings suffer from? | ||
| Maybe he passed a test with colors and stuff. | ||
| Is there a test? | ||
| Probably. | ||
| What do you think the test is? | ||
| Colors and shapes. | ||
| Those shapes that you put in the circles. | ||
| That's why it seems like the test would be there. | ||
| You know, the odds of getting killed in one of those accidents is very, very slim. | ||
| But when it happens, god damn, that must suck. | ||
| You know, you put yourself on some wacky roller coaster that flips you around, you wind up dying. | ||
| Can you imagine hanging out with a dude? | ||
| We gotta get a deaf dude on crystal meth where he just can't shut up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can you imagine that where he just won't shut up? | |
| He's got so many stories to tell you. | ||
| By the way, the guy was not deaf because when I asked him the question, he turned around when I asked about the water bottle. | ||
| It's 420, by the way. | ||
| Holla. | ||
| So he's not deaf. | ||
| He wasn't deaf. | ||
| So you think he maybe had some sort of autism or something? | ||
| Yeah, something like that, maybe. | ||
| But it was ridiculous. | ||
| Speech impediment, for sure, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| And what's ridiculous is that on another ride, again, it wasn't the biggest ride. | ||
| It was called the Ninja, which is a roller coaster. | ||
| But they were going to check everybody's straps and stuff. | ||
| And the guy, you see him checking it, and then he goes to mine and he just tapped it. | ||
| I'm like, you weren't even lifting or anything. | ||
| You just touched it. | ||
| Just touching it does not check anything. | ||
| I was like, did he just touch it? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like how they lift it? | ||
| They assume that it's set. | ||
| It could be loose and you could go flying out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What a fucking scary way to die that must be. | ||
| And then there was this guy that kept on... | ||
| We were waiting in line for a raft ride and it was really hot. | ||
| And so every couple minutes he would splash... | ||
| Everybody that's in line with water, like he was the lifeguard. | ||
| He was the one that pushed you down over the side in this raft. | ||
| But every couple minutes he would like splash you. | ||
| He kept on like fucking kicking water in my face. | ||
| So when I got up there, I just started fucking kicking water back at him. | ||
| And he goes, and he blows the whistle and goes, hey, we got a problem here? | ||
| And I'm like, wait, wait, I can't splash you? | ||
| You just got done fucking splashing me for 15 minutes. | ||
| So now I feel like I'm getting in fights with people that are here to like make sure I know. | ||
| But isn't that a part of the ride that he splashes you? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| This is while we're waiting in line. | ||
| So he's just being a dick? | ||
| He's just being a dick, like spraying people with water. | ||
| And he was doing it like, he probably hit me like three or five times. | ||
| Did you ask him to stop? | ||
| No, everyone in line was like, what the fuck? | ||
| Stop, you know? | ||
| There was like parents and stuff and kids. | ||
| And the kids were liking it. | ||
| So the kids were liking it. | ||
| So you're a big party pooper. | ||
| No, I splashed them back. | ||
| Here's the thing you have to consider, back to the subject of parasites. | ||
| When you're at those water parks, man, you have to be real careful of swallowing that water. | ||
| That water is funky as fuck. | ||
| I saw a fucking turd in the water. | ||
| Oh, dude, no doubt. | ||
| There's like a pool, like a wave pool, and then they have like this small pool for just like kids and stuff like that. | ||
| Hey, man, I know a woman who was a nurse, and her daughter went to one of those parks, swallowed some water, and got horribly sick and became paralyzed. | ||
| She got some sort of terrible infection. | ||
| She was deathly ill, and she wound up with a limited use of her legs, man. | ||
| What? | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| Dude, infections can fuck with your whole system, man. | ||
| A horrible infection. | ||
| You know, Cole Escovito? | ||
| You know Cole Escovito? | ||
| He had staph and he was paralyzed, man. | ||
| He almost couldn't walk again. | ||
| It took him over a year to recover from that shit. | ||
| You can get an infection, dude, that just wrecks your whole life. | ||
| And those water parks are prime. | ||
| That water is not clean at all. | ||
| That water is death. | ||
| You swallow a mouthful of that water. | ||
| Like, if you go to a water park with your kids, you gotta be real upfront with them about this. | ||
| You gotta say, you cannot take this water into your mouth. | ||
| This is bad, dangerous water. | ||
| For real, it sounds ridiculous, but you really shouldn't take your kids on those slides or those water rides. | ||
| They get a mouthful of that shit, your little four-year-old who doesn't know any better, they could get fucking deathly ill. | ||
| They could die. | ||
| Did you know you're not supposed to swallow even a drop of toothpaste? | ||
| Yeah, toothpaste has fluoride in it. | ||
| It's poisonous. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fluoride is bad for you. | ||
| Fluoride is really bad. | ||
| It's old school. | ||
| I used to, as a kid, when I was drunk driving, I would keep toothpaste in my car, and I would put it in my mouth and swish it in between my mouth and swallow it. | ||
| Yeah, well, you're dying now. | ||
| That's why. | ||
| You're rotting out from the inside. | ||
| That's why you got that cat piss going on. | ||
| It's fighting the cat piss, my fluoride. | ||
| Dude, it's no joke, man. | ||
| Fluoride is scary shit. | ||
| That's the reason why it kills everything in the water and everything in your mouth. | ||
| It just seems like you should tell people that, hey, this thing that you put in your mouth, don't swallow it. | ||
| No one ever told me that. | ||
| I buy that hippie toothpaste. | ||
| I buy hippie toothpaste. | ||
| I buy that Uncle Tom's of Maine stuff. | ||
| It doesn't have anything in it. | ||
| Or Tom's of Maine. | ||
| Uncle Tom. | ||
| I made him Uncle Tom. | ||
| I used to eat TV Guy. | ||
| You used to eat TV Guy? | ||
| I used to eat the TV Guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Seriously. | |
| That's how poor I was. | ||
| I would turn out pieces of paper. | ||
| I would eat a complete page, but I would snack on little pieces of it. | ||
| Are you fucking serious? | ||
| Yeah, seriously. | ||
| I guess I was mineral deficient or something and needed fiber or something. | ||
| I used to eat the TV guide. | ||
| I used to eat boogers. | ||
| Everyone used to eat boogers, right? | ||
| No, I was never into boogers. | ||
| I was into boogers. | ||
| I was into dirt and grass. | ||
| I like taking a real wet, tangy, sloppy booger and you just keep rolling it, working it on your finger until it's a solid ball. | ||
| And then you eat it. | ||
| Then I would munch on it. | ||
| It's like making bread, you know what I mean? | ||
| I'm fighting back a dry heave. | ||
| I used to eat grass so much as a kid that now I could get wheatgrass juice, and I love the taste of wheatgrass just because I used to eat so much grass as a kid. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Oh, I fucked up the other day at Jamba Juice. | ||
| I totally did not mean to do this. | ||
| But there's this girl, she got me my wheatgrass juice, and she goes, do you want an orange chaser with it? | ||
| And I go, no, I'm okay. | ||
| I'm like, oh, this stuff is nasty. | ||
| And I downed it. | ||
| And she goes, you think it's nasty? | ||
| I love the taste. | ||
| I go, oh, that's because you're a cow. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| You really did that? | ||
| I didn't mean that, though. | ||
| What are you, a cow? | ||
| Was she fat? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pig? | |
| No, she wasn't fat. | ||
| But every girl thinks she's fat. | ||
| But if it was a dude, you know, we were joking around before that, you know? | ||
| It was like all friendly talk. | ||
| And I just, I totally didn't. | ||
| You can't call a girl a cow. | ||
| You can call a dude a cow. | ||
| Like, if a guy said, like, you know, oh, I'd like to taste a wheatgrass. | ||
| Like, what are you, a fucking cow? | ||
| Like, you'd be joking around with him. | ||
| Like, as long as you're laughing and smiling, it would be all fun. | ||
| But with a girl, you could never call her a cow. | ||
| I could call you a cow. | ||
| If you're eating grass, I'm like, what are you, a fucking cow? | ||
| Yeah, that's everything. | ||
| Then you would laugh. | ||
| Or you could call a white guy, like, if he's a beast, that motherfucker's a gorilla. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| Like, I call you a gorilla all the time. | ||
| Yeah, you can't say that about a black dude. | ||
| Yeah, you can't. | ||
| They get mad. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What are you guys saying? | ||
| What are we saying? | ||
| Why would they get mad? | ||
| What the fuck, Brian? | ||
| Why are you even bringing it up? | ||
| I totally, right after it came out of my mouth, I wanted to take it back, but then I didn't want to address it. | ||
| I really don't mean you're a cow. | ||
| It was a terrible idea to joke that I wasn't thinking. | ||
| I just said it, and then after it escaped my mouth, I was like, oh, you dick. | ||
| But I didn't mean to be a dick. | ||
| So, I'm in this new part of a relationship where when I fart, I can't say it's a fart yet. | ||
| So how do you get to that part of the relationship where you can just be like, oh, I farted. | ||
| You know, because I'm so tired of blaming on cats. | ||
| Don't go there. | ||
| It'll kill everything. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Be honest, is the sex drive exactly where it was from the beginning to the way it is now? | ||
| Same thing? | ||
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
| Has it tapered off at all? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Don't fart. | ||
| It's getting way better. | ||
| Don't fart. | ||
| Good reason to have all those animals around. | ||
| The other day, it was so bad. | ||
| I had no excuses. | ||
| I couldn't say the cat did it because I've said it so many times. | ||
| Luckily, she didn't say a word. | ||
| You just ignore it? | ||
| No, just, you know, in the middle of the night while you're sleeping, punch her in the nose. | ||
| And then her nose will swell up. | ||
| She'll get a deviated septum. | ||
| It makes it much harder to smell farts. | ||
| Yeah, farting in your sleep. | ||
| You ever fart so loud you wake up in your sleep? | ||
| Are you okay to fart in front of your girl? | ||
| I don't, just out of respect. | ||
| Do you leave the room? | ||
| Do you leave the room or just... | ||
| Like if she walks in, like she'll walk into my office, I'm like, you better back the fuck up. | ||
| I just farted. | ||
| But I don't fart in front of her because I don't want her farting in front of me. | ||
| This is what I'm thinking. | ||
| There's times where I have to fart really, really bad, but I'll just hold that motherfucker, and then I fall asleep. | ||
| Is there any way you hold it while you're still asleep? | ||
| No. | ||
| There's no way. | ||
| No way. | ||
| I had an ex-girlfriend wake me up because she was farting. | ||
| She farted so loud, it woke me up. | ||
| And I was like, what the fuck did I hear? | ||
| And I was like, look at her ass, and then a second one came out. | ||
| Like a really loud one. | ||
| And then she woke up. | ||
| She was like, what happened? | ||
| I go, yeah, what happened? | ||
| And then I went back to sleep. | ||
| You know those vacuums that they have at the car wash places, you know what I mean? | ||
| If they'd have one right by your bed, you'd just put it right on your ass. | ||
| Like a smoking one. | ||
| You'd always have to think about that thing stuck to your ass. | ||
| What I did last night is I got this tip off the internet is that you take a little bit of Vicks Vapor Rub and put it around your asshole. | ||
| So even if it does fart, it just smells like Vicks Vapor Rub. | ||
| So on the internet, I got a tip to do that. | ||
| Yeah, you try that and your asshole's gonna light on fire. | ||
| That's terrible advice, Brian. | ||
| You can't put chemicals in your asshole. | ||
|
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|
You gotta put capsaicin right on your butthole. | |
| Your butthole is like open sores. | ||
| It's like an open wound. | ||
| It's super open skin. | ||
| It's incredible how airtight it is because you know there's a gigantic explosion right there at the end, but you can't smell it. | ||
| So what can you do besides fix vapor rub that would come? | ||
| It's right there. | ||
| If you rub shaving cream or alcohol aftershave on your hands, it never bothers you at all. | ||
| But if you rub that shit on your balls, it's going to fucking hurt. | ||
| And your balls, you dip your dick in it. | ||
| If you dip your dick in that stuff and it touches that soft tissue, you put that around your asshole. | ||
| What about just some bubble gum or something? | ||
| Just plug it up with some bubble gum before you go to bed? | ||
| Put roses around it, like glue roses around it so it goes through a rose filter. | ||
| Some lemon juice. | ||
| Maybe that's what you could do. | ||
| Make a filter out of roses, like a diaphragm, and it has little stickies on it on the side, and you just stick it right to your butthole so it's like a filter. | ||
| So when you fart, it goes through... | ||
| There was an SNL sketch like maybe 15 years ago. | ||
| It was a commercial parody where they go, now you can, you know, no more embarrassing farts. | ||
| They take a big horn, and you stuck a big horn in your ass, and then when you would fart, there'd be an electronic voice that said... | ||
| How about them Dodgers? | ||
| Oh, I remember that. | ||
| I remember that. | ||
| It was like the worst episode, buddy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was just, how about them Dodgers? | |
| And then it did filter out your fart smell. | ||
| It is pretty incredible when you think about all the technology that we have, that we have zero invested in farts. | ||
| We have nothing invested in cleaning up the smell of farts. | ||
| There's no product. | ||
| Farts are like a normal part of everyone's day. | ||
| And yet there's no technology that exists to try to deal with these farts. | ||
| There should be like a fart sucker built inside the seat cushion where you sit down and it's like right there. | ||
| And you could secretly just press that button. | ||
| Why don't they have filters? | ||
| They have a filter on the top of my litter box so that I don't smell my cat's shit. | ||
| There's a charcoal filter. | ||
| Why don't they make filters for your underwear? | ||
| If you like to eat a lot of Mexican food or if you're going out drinking and you know you're going to be farting, why don't they have some filters? | ||
| Yeah, that's a good idea. | ||
| Like fart Kotex. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Like fart Kotex. | ||
| Building into your underwear. | ||
| Your Saturday night party in shorts. | ||
| Yeah, Velcro and shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's built in. | ||
| These are your Saturday night partying underwear, and they have built-in charcoal filter. | ||
| Yeah, and they're just scented, like strawberries or something like that, too. | ||
| It's really like a butt plug, because you've got to fuck with the noise, too. | ||
| The noise is going to fuck everything. | ||
| So you need to stick something in your ass, like maybe a couple inches, and then it just, like something realistic. | ||
| Well, the noise would be way muffled if you got a Kotex over your butt hole. | ||
| How much? | ||
| Not a real loud one. | ||
| Not my farts. | ||
| I'll tell you what. | ||
| Tate Fletcher would be their fucking product management guy. | ||
| He'd be the one to test to see the efficacy of their individual filters. | ||
| Tate would be... | ||
| Nobody can fart like Tate. | ||
| Sound, though, is not really a problem. | ||
|
unidentified
|
White trench coat. | |
| With a fucking clipboard, Tate. | ||
| He's like organizing. | ||
| He's like head of the science team. | ||
| And it's all built around his gas. | ||
| He has a stethoscope. | ||
| He put the stethoscope near his stomach to try to determine whether or not he's ready to fart. | ||
| Did you fart? | ||
| No, it's hot. | ||
| It's hot. | ||
| My AC broke on this side of the house. | ||
| I gotta get it fixed. | ||
| Get some Mexicans to fix that. | ||
| Hey, what the fuck again with the Mexicans, man? | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| So, speaking of Mexicans, the Gulf of Mexico, that fucking oil spill, they've just determined that the oil's coming out in multiple locations. | ||
| They've just confirmed that it's not just this one spot. | ||
| So even if they dig this relief well, it still might be fucked. | ||
| Because the oil's coming out from... | ||
| All these different spots, like, very far away from each other. | ||
| It's a fucking mess, dude. | ||
| Has it fucked up Cancun yet? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| Dude, once it goes around the Florida and goes up the coast, that's crazy. | ||
| Because, I mean, just think Myrtle Beach, Florida beaches, all that shit. | ||
| You're not going to be able to swim in that beach on the East Coast. | ||
| Yeah, all those beaches are jacked, dude. | ||
| It might go to England. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's the whole thing. | ||
| That's fine. | ||
| It's so incredible that they don't have a way to stop the oil, that they're allowed to make these things and not have fail-safes. | ||
| You would think there would be a bunch of set fail-safes. | ||
| If there's a rupture in this line, we shut it off here. | ||
| If there's a rupture here, we shut it off here. | ||
| This way, we can absolutely ensure there will be no pollution that comes out of this one. | ||
| What kind of animals are going to evolve and thrive in the oil? | ||
| Like these crazy beasts? | ||
| It's probably not going to happen. | ||
| Maybe millions of years from now, if it kept like that, what's going to happen is it's going to kill all these animals off. | ||
| Oh, make-believe? | ||
| Some fire monster. | ||
| Some fucking dragon that eats the oil and then stores it in like a special gland and it's got rocks in the back of his throat and that's how it sparks up the flames. | ||
| He shits coal. | ||
| How many dragons are there in ancient cultures, and where the fuck did that come from? | ||
| Dragons still exist, man. | ||
| I went to the zoo, and some of these lizard things, those looked like fucking, like Komodo dragons. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That shit's crazy. | ||
| Have you seen a Komodo dragon? | ||
| You think that's what it is? | ||
| Yeah, I think Komodo dragons were just like, you know, dwarfs of their big old... | ||
| So you think like the Chinese dragon came from someone saw like a crocodile or a kimono dragon and just drew it and the story went back and forth throughout time. | ||
| Dude, drawings being misinterpreted. | ||
| You know, like when you were saying that dude, like there was drawings of people with tails and stuff. | ||
| That's probably just some gay guy that some dude was drawing. | ||
| You know, like he was dressed up as a dragon. | ||
| Or it could have been like, you know, the National Enquirer for 6,000 years ago. | ||
| They were just making shit up. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Yeah, that's possible. | ||
| Okay, if you had to believe in one, dragons or vampires? | ||
| You had to choose one. | ||
| Dragons? | ||
| Fucking vampires, dude. | ||
| Vampires are so stupid. | ||
| Don't forget about Gary Oldman. | ||
| Think about that. | ||
| Think about that. | ||
| I believe werewolves before I believe in vampires. | ||
| Name one cool dragon fucker. | ||
| No, I believe vampires before I believe werewolves. | ||
| Because I think vampires, what could it be, it could be some sort of a parasite. | ||
| Something that hijacks your system. | ||
| Yeah, but vampires are supposed to be dead. | ||
| Yeah, but what if the parasite hijacks your aging system, too, and keeps you alive, but it makes you feast on blood? | ||
| The idea of a blood-sucking person, a person that lives off blood, that a parasite could trick you into doing that, that is way more possible than a werewolf. | ||
| Someone changes back and forth to another animal, and then back again? | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| So you're saying that sun can burn people during the day? | ||
| No, but I could say that if they had some sort of a crazy blood problem, where they may be intensely anemic, they might have a real aversion to sun. | ||
| They might lose the pigment in their eyes. | ||
| It's possible, man. | ||
| You see the shit that parasites do do to different insects? | ||
| Different caterpillars and bugs and ants and all sorts of different things. | ||
| Their whole bodies get hijacked by parasites. | ||
| Completely rewires their entire system. | ||
| It happens to frogs. | ||
| It happens to lizards. | ||
| So many different animals exist in the animal kingdom. | ||
| And they're just recently discovering new parasites that hijack new hosts and cause them to do... | ||
| So, let's get this straight. | ||
| The cat parasites make women more horny? | ||
| It makes women more submissive. | ||
| I mean, there's all sorts of interpretation of how it exactly affects them. | ||
|
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|
How did they figure that out? | |
| It seems to make men and women the opposite. | ||
| It makes men more aggressive. | ||
| And are they going to bottle it? | ||
| There's some crazy guy with a beard. | ||
| Is there some shit that calms women down? | ||
| It doesn't calm them down. | ||
| Brazilian women aren't calm. | ||
| Well, then, that doesn't make sense, then. | ||
| Because they're wild, too. | ||
| And they have to deal with all those wild men. | ||
| So, it makes them extra wild. | ||
| What are you saying, man? | ||
| This is all based off the research of one guy, right? | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| Is this based off... | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| Toxoplasma is very well established. | ||
| No, I mean that's overtaking. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| How do they know it makes them submissive? | ||
| The CDC says 6 million people, or 60 million people, rather, in America have it. | ||
| This is the CDC. If you look online, there's many different studies, many different reports, many different scientists working on this. | ||
| Toxoplasma is a very real parasite that is actually detectable in people that they know is also responsible in part or connected in part to all sorts of different psychological ailments. | ||
| Yeah, but the part that it's making girls submissive, that part of this whole thing. | ||
| No, it's not just one guy saying this. | ||
| No. | ||
| It would also, it changes all sorts of animals. | ||
| So like I said, it changes rats, makes them attracted to cat piss, changes men, makes them assholes, makes them reckless. | ||
| I mean, it's really fascinating stuff, man. | ||
| When you hear that guy's research and you think about how many different parasites might exist that we don't even know about. | ||
| Did your mic just unplug? | ||
| Mic? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| No, I hear me. | ||
| You don't hear me? | ||
| My shit don't work. | ||
| Check. | ||
| There we go. | ||
| But I can't hear you. | ||
| We can't hear Joe. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| Your mic just went out. | ||
| What about now? | ||
| Check, check. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| How much was out? | ||
| Check. | ||
| Just for like 20 seconds. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| We're talking about cat piss. | ||
| Anyway, we know that these parasites exist and we know that these parasites affect people. | ||
| And if we know there's just a couple of them, how do we not know that there's a bunch more that we haven't detected yet? | ||
| What about, did you as a kid used to eat those green weeds with the yellow flower on the top? | ||
| Did you ever eat those? | ||
| The dogs would piss on them. | ||
| Dogs would pee on them and I would eat them. | ||
| Oh, dandelions? | ||
| The green stalks with a yellow flower at the top. | ||
| Yeah, that's a dandelion. | ||
| Dandelions you eat, yeah. | ||
| You can eat the grass. | ||
| And dogs piss on them all the time. | ||
| Think about the parasites I got in my balls right now. | ||
| Piss is good for you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, man. | |
| You have some sort of crazy piss parasite. | ||
| Have you ever thought about that? | ||
| How crazy that is, though? | ||
| That if there really is an animal parasite that makes people aggressive and makes women submissive, that is Brazil. | ||
| Dudes are super aggressive. | ||
| Cocaine. | ||
| Cocaine? | ||
| Yeah, I don't... | ||
| Cocaine makes women submissive? | ||
| It makes them drop to their knees immediately. | ||
| That's just because they need that coke, right? | ||
| Aren't they just happy to get that coke? | ||
| No, I think the coke makes them immediately submissive. | ||
| Yeah, I think it's coke too. | ||
| Remember Larry used to have coke around just girls? | ||
| Dude, you don't want to blow up anybody's spot. | ||
| No one knows who Larry is. | ||
| The cable guy. | ||
| That's one thing I've never fucked with and I'm very glad. | ||
| Never tried that shit. | ||
| Never fucked with it. | ||
| I knew too many people that had real problems with it. | ||
| I've done coke maybe five times in my whole life. | ||
| Maybe three to five times. | ||
| It sucked. | ||
| Scary. | ||
| Pussies. | ||
| It sucked. | ||
| They say you've got to get that rock star coke. | ||
| That's what Tom Sawyer from Cobbs in San Francisco, he's always saying you've got to get that rock star coke. | ||
| I read somewhere something about coke, how there's bad coke going around now that will eat your skin. | ||
| It has some kind of fucking chemical in it that just starts burning your skin. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Fuck. | ||
| I've got to Google this now. | ||
| Bad cocaine. | ||
| You were telling me about Tylenol. | ||
| What the fuck is going on with Tylenol? | ||
| If you try to get Tylenol right now, I guess there's this huge Tylenol where they pulled it from the store shelves. | ||
| What's crazy is that I did some research on it and it seems like... | ||
| They did all these things where they went to the factories where Tylenol is made and they found... | ||
| They found bacteria inside tylenol. | ||
| They found the chemicals that were being made to make tylenol were off. | ||
| There was too much of one chemical and not enough of another chemical, so it could possibly have made kids sick. | ||
| And so they pulled off tylenol off the shelves, I guess. | ||
| But then the other day... | ||
| Christian Science Monitor. | ||
| There was this report that came out that Johnson& Johnson, the company that owns Tylenol or whatever, hired this third-party company from San Diego to act like customers and go into grocery stores and buy all this one product off the shelf. | ||
| Like they were doing a phantom recall, meaning they didn't want to tell anybody or anyone to know. | ||
| So they hired a company to go into grocery stores and to pharmacies to take this product off their shelf. | ||
| And then they got caught. | ||
| And then a month later, they recalled this other drug. | ||
| It's just like Tylenol. | ||
| I forget the name of it. | ||
| It was like another one of it, like kids Tylenol or something like that. | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| How much have you looked into this? | ||
| Seriously, it was like a half hour today. | ||
| I just read around today. | ||
| But Tylenol, Johnson& Johnson, was supposed to give over to the FDA this report about their findings and stuff like that, and they missed the deadline. | ||
| I think the deadline was yesterday or two days ago. | ||
| They missed the deadline, so something might be up with Tylenol. | ||
| So if you have any Tylenol from 2008, you might want to go check it out, throw it away, or do whatever you have to do. | ||
| There was another report I was reading that said something like there was 30 deaths related to Tylenol in the last two years, and they don't know if that's connected or not either. | ||
| So, I don't know. | ||
| Google search Tylenol recall. | ||
| There's some crazy shit going on with some Tylenol right now. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| They're saying that the pharmacist that we were at today said that there might not be Tylenol until 2011. Damn. | ||
| Who got in trouble for cyanide? | ||
| They're saying there's potential criminal charges and indictments. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what they're saying about Tylenol. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And it's crazy because you pay extra for Tyl. | ||
| Tyl's more expensive than the average pain reliever. | ||
| And you would think that they would have their shit together a little bit better than fucking buffering. | ||
| First Toyota, now this. | ||
| What's next? | ||
| Fucking Coca-Cola? | ||
| Can you imagine that shit? | ||
| Well, as the economy starts to fuck up, as people start to make less and less money, you're going to see more and more problems, I'm sure. | ||
| Less and less research is going to be done, less and less fail-safe measures. | ||
| Did you watch The Last Comic Standing last night? | ||
| No. | ||
| I gave up on that show a long time ago. | ||
| Was it good? | ||
| I didn't watch it, but I heard it was okay. | ||
| Wow, fucking fascinating. | ||
| Yeah, last comic standing, man. | ||
| I just don't like the fact that they make them sit in a room and do stand-up comedy for three people. | ||
| You know, that to me is just like, what? | ||
| That's how they're going to audition? | ||
| They're going to stand in front of three people and one of them is going to try to pretend that they're Simon? | ||
| Is that what happens? | ||
| One's really mean. | ||
| Is that how they do it? | ||
| If you had a tremendous migraine headache and you only had two things, Tylenol or cocaine, what would you do? | ||
| Cocaine. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| You trust cocaine that you don't even know where it came from? | ||
| Could come from some fucking greasy immigrant. | ||
| Are you going to trust cocaine over a nice American name brand like Tylenol? | ||
| So they made a few mistakes, Brian. | ||
| How many good pills did they put out, huh? | ||
| Millions and millions and millions of people all across the world have had relieved headaches because of Tylenol. | ||
| And you want to hate because they fucked up a little bit here and there? | ||
| That's deep. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| That's deep. | ||
| Tylenol doesn't get you laid. | ||
| Cocaine does. | ||
| Wow, you just got a good point, dude. | ||
| Yo, I got some Tylenol, baby. | ||
| If you crush up Tylenol into powder like Joey Diaz, that'll get you laid. | ||
| The girls that you can only fuck because you're giving them coke, you really shouldn't fuck them. | ||
| What, models? | ||
| No, the fucking... | ||
| People don't really want to fuck you. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| You should only fuck the fat shits that like Tylenol. | ||
| You should only fuck girls who want to fuck you. | ||
| You shouldn't fuck girls who want to fuck you for coke. | ||
| I mean, you gotta do what you gotta do. | ||
| That's the only way you can get laid. | ||
| I understand your position. | ||
| I got cocaine or I got my personality. | ||
| Which one do you want, baby? | ||
| If you have two possibilities. | ||
| One, fucking girls who actually want to fuck you. | ||
| And two, fucking girls that you can only fuck because you give them drugs. | ||
| I would say go with number one. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Everybody wants the person who's fucking them to like to fuck them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| Nobody wants to be fucking some coked up chick who's just got her half an eye on the nightstand at all times looking over at that mirror while you're banging her and just wants another line. | ||
| Yeah, but what if you're annoyed with the chick? | ||
| You just want her to fuck out, but you want to drop a load first? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| Then Coke's perfect. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| I guess, but doesn't she want more coke? | ||
| Doesn't that the thing about coke is that you can never get rid of them? | ||
| They'll be cool for like two hours. | ||
| You give them a little bit and they'll think that's enough. | ||
| You just give them the coke and tell them to leave with some coke? | ||
| You tell them you'll meet them at the club and you got more coke. | ||
| You're going to bring all the coke and meet them at the club. | ||
| Who has more aspirin stories than Joey Diaz? | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| I fucking crushed up aspirin. | ||
| Tell us a Joey story. | ||
| Let me tell you something. | ||
| There was this one time this chick was like, I just need to get a line. | ||
| I'm like, I just need to get my dick sucked. | ||
| What a coincidence. | ||
| So we're back. | ||
| Go back to my place. | ||
| I'm telling this bitch I got the best fucking coke ever. | ||
| This shit's coming straight from Pablo Escobar. | ||
| He delivered it himself. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He came over on a fucking donkey with a sombrero on and a fat bag of coke. | |
| Hold on, honey. | ||
| I'm gonna get it. | ||
| I'll be right back. | ||
| I went to the bathroom. | ||
| I started fucking chopping up all these different pieces of vitamins, vitamin fucking B, and fucking talcum powder and shit. | ||
| I laid a couple of lines. | ||
| I stuck it in her mouth. | ||
| I shot off a load. | ||
| Before she even knew what hit her, I was gone. | ||
| You know what I'm saying, dog? | ||
| You know me. | ||
| You know how I roll, dog. | ||
| I'm like, oh shit, we gotta get out of here. | ||
| I realize the cops are coming at noon. | ||
| Run! | ||
| I got around to the fucking front. | ||
| I got in my car. | ||
| I told her, take a left at the light. | ||
| I'll meet you down the street. | ||
| I took a right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck her. | |
| I'm gone. | ||
| I got on the freeway. | ||
| Got off the first exit. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| I win. | ||
| Put away the whip. | ||
| Pony's dead. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| That's a good Joey story. | ||
| That was my Joey Diaz impression. | ||
| You do such a good impression. | ||
| Okay, review. | ||
| Joey Diaz. | ||
| Joey, what do you think about this whole cat piss thing? | ||
| The parasites. | ||
| Listen, that's a soft spot in my heart. | ||
| You know I got cats, you know I love them to death, but the bottom line is I'm an asshole and I live with a bunch of fucking cats. | ||
| I think he's probably got it. | ||
| Joey totally has it. | ||
| Joey brings in cats from outside. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He brings in like monster cats. | ||
| Like remember he was always talking about the samurai, that cat that had the big scars all over his face? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a wild tomcat. | ||
| He is one of the guys that's a grown adult that subscribes to Cat Fancy magazine that actually keeps that magazine in business, which I can't believe. | ||
| Cat Fancy still has a subscriber. | ||
| Does he really subscribe to Cat Fancy magazine? | ||
| Yeah, but then you get real magazines, like Time magazine or whatever, that are hurting because of the economy, but Cat Fancy. | ||
| I wonder if Joey would freak out. | ||
| He wouldn't watch that DVD, and I don't think he'd read that article. | ||
| You'd have to show him a documentary on the cat parasite. | ||
| There'd have to be a documentary. | ||
| Are you concerned at all about the oil spill or anything? | ||
| How does that affect your life? | ||
| Directly. | ||
| It affects me because I think it's going to be... | ||
| I meant Joey. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Oh, thank you. | ||
| I was like, where the fuck's this coming from? | ||
| Listen, Eddie Bravo, look at me. | ||
| Do I look like a swimmer? | ||
| Do I look like I get in the fucking ocean and dodge sharks? | ||
| What am I, fucking Aquaman, cocksucker? | ||
| Listen, this is what I'm going to do. | ||
| I'm going to walk down to the weed store. | ||
| I'm going to roll a joint. | ||
| Say a prayer to the mother. | ||
| I hope they fucking clean this shit out. | ||
| If not, I guess I'm not going swimming. | ||
| What would he say? | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| I got enough problems in my own life, okay? | ||
| You think I give a fuck about a greasy pelican? | ||
| You got oil on you, you fuck. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| Tough shit. | ||
| Fly away, motherfucker. | ||
| You got wings. | ||
| You gonna sit there and let the oil hit you? | ||
| Fuck you! | ||
| You finally got texting about six months ago. | ||
| Why are you busting my balls, Eddie Bravo? | ||
| What do you think about the iPhone and the HD camera and all that shit? | ||
| You gonna go into the iPhone now? | ||
| Do you think Joey would go into the iPhone? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You tell me. | ||
| He wants an iPhone back. | ||
| Listen, no, he's too old school for that. | ||
| No, he wants an iPhone. | ||
| He just got a iPhone, you know, like one of those phones that are acting like the iPhone. | ||
| He did? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What did he get? | ||
| A droid? | ||
| It's like Sprint iPhone. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Some Sprint. | ||
| Sprint. | ||
| He was supposed to be here this week. | ||
| Is Joey going to get an iPhone? | ||
| You think? | ||
| He would have. | ||
| Eddie Bravo, listen to me. | ||
| I'm old school. | ||
| I barely, barely get on that fucking thing to text. | ||
| Do you hear me? | ||
| You think I'm going to get there and we're going to fucking do apps together? | ||
| Oh, let's play Donkey Kong. | ||
| We'll fucking tether. | ||
| Come on, you can get online with my laptop through your asshole and you're going to fucking connect it with a fucking USB cable. | ||
| I don't need all this nonsense in my life. | ||
| I don't need all this aggravation. | ||
| I'm going to go to the weed store. | ||
| I'm going to roll a joint. | ||
| I'm going to walk down to the fucking weed store. | ||
| Alright, I'm not hurting nobody. | ||
| I'm not bothering nobody. | ||
| Did your weed store close? | ||
| No. | ||
| Here, never mind. | ||
| No. | ||
| Did they close them down? | ||
| They're closing a bunch because they're too close to churches, parks, or schools. | ||
| You have to be within a certain feet from a church, a park, or a school. | ||
| I don't know how many it is, but it's like a thousand or some shit. | ||
| Which is pretty far. | ||
| I checked all of my places, and none of them are closing. | ||
| How ridiculous is it that you can't be near a park? | ||
| Because that's where all the illegal dealers... | ||
| It's almost like the illegal dealers got in on the action. | ||
| That's where you buy all your weed. | ||
| I think that the people at the top of the weed movement, and especially the guys that own the most successful dispensaries... | ||
| I think they like these stores being raided and stuff. | ||
| Oh yeah, especially when guys fuck up when they're going against the regulations. | ||
| We had a conversation with Eidelman because we got our... | ||
| You alright there? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm just picking my balls. | |
| Pulling your dick out, man? | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| This is radio. | ||
| The, um, uh, the, you know, the... | ||
| Balls are sweating. | ||
| The, uh, the doctor... | ||
| The Idelman went to jail for it. | ||
| And, and Idelman was talking about the November election. | ||
| And we were like, you know, if this stuff becomes legal in November, like, what are you gonna do? | ||
| You're not gonna be able to give out, you know, prescriptions anymore. | ||
| And he's like, yeah, well, it's actually kind of a dilemma for me. | ||
| I haven't really thought about that. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| What are we doing? | ||
| If that guy, if weed became legal, his whole business shuts down. | ||
| What the fuck does he do then? | ||
| That's a tricky situation for a weed doctor, man. | ||
| It's going to be wild if it gets through the woo! | ||
| If it gets through in California and it becomes absolutely legal, it's going to be fucking crazy. | ||
| It's going to really change the culture here. | ||
| Because people realize how much it's changed the culture since medical marijuana became legal, but that's just the beginning, man. | ||
| When it becomes legal legal, when it becomes a personal use issue, when you just have to be over 21, you just go to the fucking corner drugstore and they're selling weed, they're selling weed everywhere, it's going to change things, man. | ||
| They're going to start selling weed at bars. | ||
| They're going to have weed smoking sections at bars, for sure. | ||
| They'll have a back patio where you can smoke weed. | ||
| It's going to be nuts, man. | ||
| When they allow you to buy a joint at a movie theater, like at the Arclight, because they have a movie theater designated with a bar. | ||
| You have to be 21 to get into this theater at the top. | ||
| They're going to have a weed theater. | ||
| But the problem is you can't even smoke cigarettes indoors because it's other people's health. | ||
| You get to choose. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But you have. | |
| You get to choose. | ||
| You get to choose. | ||
| Yeah, but they don't let that. | ||
| They don't let that happen in California. | ||
| You can't even smoke at a bar. | ||
| It's not even an option. | ||
| You have to go to a cigar bar. | ||
| I belong to a cigar bar in Beverly Hills. | ||
| And you go there and you can smoke. | ||
| There you go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The cigar bar. | |
| That's the future. | ||
| Yeah, but cigar bar is like a bunch of, you know, stuffy rich dudes. | ||
| And it costs a lot of money. | ||
| It's like a thousand dollars a year. | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| Maybe more. | ||
| That's the gayest thing I've ever heard. | ||
| You take a failed cigar bar, they got the licensing for smoke, and convert it into a weed bar. | ||
| I wonder how many cigar bars there are. | ||
| There's a bunch of cigar stores that let you smoke. | ||
| Right next to the Improv, there's one. | ||
| There's vending machines everywhere. | ||
| That's what you would have, like a store that lets you smoke there. | ||
| In Canada, they got spots. | ||
| It's weird because in Canada, you can't buy the weed there if you're going to smoke, but they have places where you can smoke weed. | ||
| You've got to bring your own shit. | ||
| In Vancouver, right? | ||
| Vancouver and in Toronto. | ||
| There's places where the bottom floor is a restaurant and like a snack bar, cafe, and then you rent these rooms. | ||
| There's rooms like as big as this, giant screen TV. Xbox, PlayStation, DVDs, couches. | ||
| Well, you know who's taking us around in Vancouver? | ||
| We're going to Vancouver this weekend, by the way. | ||
| Hell yeah, we are. | ||
| And Friday night, if you want to come, I'm hanging out with Adam Skorgy, the guy who produced The Union. | ||
| And we're going to do another documentary together. | ||
| And one of the things that we're going to do is dispel a lot of the myths about people being lazy and And, you know, marijuana smokers being lazy and how much propaganda has been distributed to people about marijuana making you lazy. | ||
| And one of the things I want to do is feature your school and feature, you know, you teaching. | ||
| And how many times have you done this? | ||
| Where you teach class, you go, how many of you guys are high? | ||
| And, like, 30 dudes raise their hands. | ||
| I don't think I've taught a night class, not stoned. | ||
| Day classes, too, I go on stoned, too. | ||
| But I used to not get high for the day classes. | ||
| But night class, I mean, my classes are at 830 at night. | ||
| There's no way I'm gonna get to that class and not be stoned, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And, you know, there was one of the things that came up in the UFC Q&A. They asked me about weed and about whether or not I think weed is an enhancer, a physical enhancement. | ||
| You know, whether or not I think that it's a performance enhancer. | ||
| And this guy said that he thinks it is. | ||
| And he was talking about him doing jujitsu. | ||
| And I said, I agree. | ||
| I think it is. | ||
| I go, I feel like when I'm stoned and I do jujitsu, I feel like I focus more. | ||
| I see it clearly. | ||
| I have more tunnel vision as to what I'm doing. | ||
| My movements are more precise. | ||
| Yeah, there's so many jujitsu players. | ||
| I mean, I'm sure in all sports it's the same thing in basketball, but jujitsu players... | ||
| Basketball's huge too, yeah. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| There's so many top jujitsu players that are stoned out of their fucking minds when they roll, including the Diaz brothers. | ||
| They admitted BJ Penn. | ||
| So many guys. | ||
| And then they say that it cuts down on your reaction time. | ||
| That's impossible. | ||
| If anything, if you're doing jujitsu and your reaction time is slowed down in any way, your jujitsu is going to suck. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| There's no way you can do anything that's going to slow your reaction time and be really good at it. | ||
| It doesn't work that way. | ||
| There's no way you could have slow reactions. | ||
| There's a reason why rappers always get high when they rap. | ||
| They're flowing. | ||
| They got a million words a minute coming out of their mouth. | ||
| There can't be any slow reaction time. | ||
| It's a myth. | ||
| There's no slowing. | ||
| It doesn't slow anything down. | ||
| It's not at all. | ||
| Are the mics on different levels? | ||
| People are complaining that the mics are on different levels. | ||
| I turned yours up. | ||
| I took yours down when you were doing the Joey Diaz because it was pulling the mics. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Yeah, dude, it doesn't slow you down at all. | ||
| People that say it does are silly. | ||
| If anything, it just puts you in a different state of mind. | ||
| It puts you in a very creative state of mind. | ||
| If it wasn't for Pod, I would say... | ||
| 80% of my material would be different. | ||
| I think 80% of the things that I write, I write while I'm high. | ||
| And that's being very conservative. | ||
| Because it easily could be 90%. | ||
| It could be 90% of all the things that I write, I write under the influence of marijuana. | ||
| And I think if it wasn't for the marijuana, I think the material would be different. | ||
| It's much like that fucking cat parasite changes the way people behave. | ||
| Marijuana changes the way you behave. | ||
| But it changes it in a good way. | ||
| Sometimes. | ||
| Sometimes. | ||
| There's been many times where I've been stoned where I look back at shit I've thought or done while I was stoned. | ||
| I'm like, what the fuck was I thinking? | ||
| Like what? | ||
| All the time. | ||
| Usually when it comes to like making videos or just anything. | ||
| Well, it doesn't give you great ideas. | ||
| It just gives you more of the... | ||
| Energy to do the ideas. | ||
| More ideas that you would already come up with, but you're getting them all at once and everything is supercharged and it's really fast. | ||
| It doesn't make dumb people smart. | ||
| It depends on a bunch of things. | ||
| It depends on, first of all, how high you get. | ||
| Because if you get too high, and you can get too high, everything spirals in front of you and it becomes like, it's like you have millions of dollars flying around you, but you're in the middle of a tornado and you can't grab any of it. | ||
| You know, and sometimes you get to that super paranoid super high state and like that's not manageable and you have to wait until you come down from that super high to a more manageable place then you can become creative then you sit down and write and you can keep a thought going and You say that, like, maybe sometimes Pod's made you make shitty decisions, but that's just making you take chances. | ||
| When you're sober, you know, and you go back and you look at it, you know, maybe you're just not seeing it in the way that you were seeing it then and it wasn't complete. | ||
| You know, you didn't fight complete the vision. | ||
| But look at how much cool shit you have created from Pod. | ||
| You know, I mean, Pod has been responsible for a lot of your really good editing too, don't you think? | ||
| Yeah, definitely. | ||
| I'm just saying it's not 100%. | ||
| Nothing's 100%. | ||
| But you've got to remember, you want to keep track of all the dumb ideas you come up with not stoned and then compare? | ||
| That's really how you get there. | ||
| Also, it's your state of mind, too. | ||
| It's like, how are you coming to the creative table? | ||
| Are you coming to the table tired? | ||
| Are you coming to the table in a good mood? | ||
| You know, I could have some personal issues going on. | ||
| I could have some things that are bothering me or some unfinished business that I need to get taken care of before my mind can be at peace. | ||
| And then you get high and then you don't have a good reaction. | ||
| But you could be in the best state. | ||
| And when I'm in the best state, when I'm Feeling the best and I'm the most loose and my mind feels free and I'm happy and I'm positive. | ||
| And then I get high. | ||
| Then it just feels like it all just tunes in. | ||
| Then I feel like I'm wide open to the point where there's nothing that's bothering me, nothing that's tightening me up. | ||
| So I'm wide open and loose and then the weed hits and it's just like it just washes you in this crazy energy. | ||
| It just hits you with this blast of like perception and this new way of seeing things that, you know, It sometimes can fuck you up, but I think even when it fucks you up, there's lessons in that shit. | ||
| There's lessons in why it fucked you up. | ||
| There's lessons in where your head was at when you weren't in the right place. | ||
| It needs to be fucking... | ||
| Someone needs to teach us how to do it. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| It's a very complicated thing. | ||
| Using any entheogens, using marijuana, using mushrooms, there should be people that are professionals that can talk people through the use of these things. | ||
| Like how you were talking last week about the Sharmans and... | ||
| Fuck yeah, man. | ||
| We need that. | ||
| We need that. | ||
| If we had that with... | ||
| I hope that's something that comes out of this whole marijuana legalization thing. | ||
| I hope, you know, marijuana therapy, therapy for people that... | ||
| You know, look, people need gambling therapy. | ||
| You don't. | ||
| I don't. | ||
| You know, we can gamble and quit and it's no big deal. | ||
| But some people get knocked up on gambling. | ||
| They get fucked up and they can't stop gambling. | ||
| And I think there needs to be a therapy for weed people too. | ||
| For some people that just get fucked up on weed. | ||
| And it's really just therapy they need. | ||
| You know, most of these addictions, like addiction to masturbation, addiction, these are all psychological addictions. | ||
| They're not physical addictions. | ||
| But they're still there. | ||
| So they're going to have to have that. | ||
| They're going to have to have therapy for people to get fucked up on weed. | ||
| You know, if we want to keep a healthy society during the transition. | ||
| But... | ||
| It's no different than therapy for guys that cheat on their wife or therapy for masturbation or therapy for anything. | ||
| It's like you just got an error. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Guys, I gotta take off. | ||
| We've been on two hours, right? | ||
| It's five o'clock on the button. | ||
| Has it been two hours? | ||
| It's perfect. | ||
| Holy shit, that was quick, man. | ||
| That's the way to do it, son. | ||
| Awesome, awesome. | ||
| We had some great conversations. | ||
| Interesting discussions, yeah. | ||
| You know, for anybody who is interested in following Brian's shit and more of Brian's stuff, go to redband.com. | ||
| For Eddie Bravo, go to 10thplanetjj.com. | ||
| What is that, bro? | ||
| I was pointing to the bottom. | ||
| Jump on the Nibiru forum. | ||
| The forum on my site's pretty cute. | ||
| It's very Joe Rogan-like. | ||
| We talk about it. | ||
| Oh, no, no, no. | ||
| I'm just saying go to... | ||
| His website's on there? | ||
| No, I was just pointing to the name, Eddie Bravo. | ||
| Oh, I'm sorry. | ||
| I don't know what the fuck you're doing. | ||
| Yeah, I thought you were finding something. | ||
| And then that's me. | ||
| You're divining Rod. | ||
| Anyway, the Tenth Planet Jiu-Jitsu website is 10thplanetjj.com? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And if they want to ask questions and shit, you got a forum. | ||
| What's the forum? | ||
| It's called the Nibiru Forum, the 10th Planet Forum. | ||
| Oh, by the way, 10th Planet Jiu-Jitsu, even the name 10th Planet Jiu-Jitsu, is all from the Zachariah Sitchin stories. | ||
| Yeah, the funny thing about 10th Planet Jiu-Jitsu was I decided to, when I first decided to open the school, I needed a name for the school. | ||
| I needed a name for the style. | ||
| And I wanted something. | ||
| I definitely wanted something in the Sitchin world. | ||
| I was thinking Nibiru Jiu Jitsu. | ||
| I was actually thinking that. | ||
| I was like, Nibiru Jiu Jitsu, will people get that? | ||
| Something Anunnaki Jiu Jitsu or something. | ||
| And Joe goes, right when we were entering your security gate, you said, why not just 10th Planet Jiu Jitsu? | ||
| I'm like, that's stupid. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Something like Nibiru, Anunnaki, Sitchin Jiu Jitsu. | ||
| And I thought about it. | ||
| 10th Planet Jiu Jitsu, huh? | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| I was like, yeah, that's it right there. | ||
| Fuck Nibiru Jiu-Jitsu. | ||
| That sounds gay. | ||
| You know, we're good friends, and so I don't necessarily talk about you too much just because, you know, I kind of take it for granted because we're good friends. | ||
| But I've done the forward to two of your books. | ||
| Hell yeah. | ||
| And we've been friends for shit like 10 years now, like strong. | ||
| And the weirdest thing about this whole Jiu-Jitsu thing is watching it back Blossom out of just hanging out when you were a purple belt and just talking about different techniques to now this nutty fucking thing where you've got affiliates all over the world and other countries and shit. | ||
| You're traveling all over the world doing seminars and teaching people all this shit. | ||
| Blew the fuck up. | ||
| It's this weird combination of stoner sensibility and open-minded, creative jiu-jitsu. | ||
| Even the fucking name is hilarious. | ||
| Tenth Planet Jiu-Jitsu. | ||
| This is like some crazy alien hybrid system. | ||
| The whole thing is in the world of martial arts. | ||
| It's very unexpected to have someone who's got this sort of silly, goofy outlook on so many different things and has got a sense of humor about so many different things and smokes weed and is always playing pranks on people. | ||
| You prank people all the time. | ||
| People don't know where's the best place to see some of those because some of them are fucking hilarious. | ||
| He's got jiu-jitsu students who pretend that they're angry Brazilians who come to fight Eddie and they come to challenge him like they're karate masters or You know, they're different things. | ||
| Sometimes he's not a Brazilian. | ||
| No, no, he was never a Brazilian. | ||
| It was always just some random guy. | ||
| But he was a Brazilian at the expo. | ||
| Yeah, now he's adding a Brazilian accent. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, okay. | |
| Now he is, but before. | ||
| But other times he's just a random karate guy. | ||
| Our friend Rahsaan. | ||
| Rahsaan Orange. | ||
| He's been like in Days of Our Lives. | ||
| Yeah, very talented, hilarious actor slash comedian. | ||
| He was tech, tech on Days of Our Lives years ago, and he's so funny. | ||
| And he trains with us at 10th Planet and they set it up all the time where he comes in and whenever there's a new person, they did it with Alan Belcher, they did it with Tim Lee, did it with a bunch of different people. | ||
| Whenever someone's there that doesn't know the gag, We got Tom Lawler with it. | ||
| Good. | ||
| We got Tom Lawler, hook, line, and sinker. | ||
| How about when you got Cecil Peoples? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cecil Peoples. | |
| Cecil Peoples freaked the fuck out. | ||
| Now, they get to the point where they do it so ridiculous where Eddie chokes these guys out and pretends to kill them, and then his students drag the guy off into the backyard. | ||
| I turn into a total douchebag. | ||
| I mean, the premise is Rahsaan comes in. | ||
| We give each other a wink. | ||
| He starts doing karate kata on the side. | ||
| He's disrupting the class. | ||
| And the crazy thing is I'll get the cameraman usually... | ||
| They'll be punk too. | ||
| I went up to Denny Prokopos, one of my black belts. | ||
| I went up to him a few years ago. | ||
| And when Rahsaan walked in, he never saw the Rahsaan sketches before. | ||
| So I went up to Denny. | ||
| I'm like, Denny, you got your camera on you? | ||
| And he goes, yeah, yeah, what's up, bro? | ||
| I go, get it out. | ||
| Keep the camera on this guy. | ||
| I might have to fuck this dude up. | ||
| He's like, oh, okay, okay, okay. | ||
| So he's videotaping him, and I try to sell it. | ||
| We get into an argument or a discussion for a couple minutes, so we don't want to get too crazy. | ||
| We slowly drag people into it. | ||
| We start arguing, and then we just start fighting, and then I get crazy. | ||
| I try to kill him. | ||
| I'm a total douchebag. | ||
| I actually try to kill the guy. | ||
| How about he twitches and shakes and shit and kicks his legs, and then people drag him off into the back. | ||
| We just did it at the UFC Expo in front of a lot of people. | ||
| Got it on camera. | ||
| And we got Tom Lawler and Vinny Magalash. | ||
| It was fucking hilarious, man. | ||
| What's so hilarious about it is it's completely unexpected. | ||
| How many people would think that a jiu-jitsu master would also be doing pranks? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like on a regular basis, doing fighting pranks. | ||
| Most of those pranks are on my DVD, Mastering the Rubber Guard, a bunch of them. | ||
| And the original one, the original prank that I got on video was in 2000, 10 years ago, as Quatouf, when I put some black makeup on and I was a black guy, I was scaring my friends. | ||
| That's on my Mastering the Rubber Guard DVD. That was the original one. | ||
| That was before Punk'd. | ||
| And I've always had that... | ||
| In me for some reason. | ||
| Yeah, you have a very strange sense of humor. | ||
| It's like my default setting is constantly saying like inappropriate things and the wrong things and I don't know what it is. | ||
| You've been like that since I met you and that's why I try to talk you to doing stand-up and he did it for nine times. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Damn! | ||
| Stand-up is way harder than jujitsu, that's for damn sure. | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| You have to spend a lot of time perfecting stand-up. | ||
| You can't just go up there and tell jokes. | ||
| You just forgot how hard jujitsu was in the beginning. | ||
| It's no different. | ||
| I think it's just like anything else. | ||
| To get great at anything just requires time and effort and thought and concentration and evolving. | ||
| That's all it is. | ||
| And comedy, you know, you got a bomb. | ||
| You started off terrible. | ||
| If you saw me when I first started off, if I had some video, I got some somewhere, some VHS tape of me on stage, like the 10th time I was ever on stage or something like that. | ||
| Dude, I was fucking terrible. | ||
| No one's good in the beginning. | ||
| It's like everything else. | ||
| I mean, you got good at jiu-jitsu. | ||
| You weren't good at jiu-jitsu when you first started, and think about you now. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I think about since when I tried stand-up for the first time, it was before I had a school. | ||
| We were hanging out at the comedy store every weekend. | ||
| I'm seeing all these guys go up and bomb, and I thought, I could do this shit. | ||
| I went up and I realized that if I put a lot of time into it, I might be able to be okay, but I was spreading myself too thin. | ||
| I had to really think about, was I going to be a comedian, a jiu-jitsu player, and a musician? | ||
| I had to figure it out, so I just decided to not pursue comedy anymore, just focus on jiu-jitsu and focus on my music. | ||
| And who knows, maybe one day, from teaching the last seven years, I think I've gotten a lot more comfortable speaking in front of people. | ||
| When before I was teaching, that was the hardest part of comedy, is getting up and talking to a crowd. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's tough. | |
| Well, didn't you crack jokes when you were on stage in the Viper Room? | ||
| Yeah, but you know what? | ||
| When people aren't paying for laughs, it's easier to make them laugh. | ||
| When they're paying, it seems like it's a little different. | ||
| Specifically just for laughs. | ||
| I don't have to be funny, so it's easy. | ||
| Well, coming from someone who's done it, and this is why I told you in the beginning that you could do it, it's just a matter of effort and concentration. | ||
| You have a comedian's sense of humor. | ||
| You have a comedian's mind. | ||
| Nowadays with YouTube, Eddie can make a video that's probably a million times funnier than him having to go on stage for three years just to get a joke out, you know? | ||
| Right, but it won't be stand-up comedy. | ||
| The difference is, stand-up comedy, you can actually have a bunch of people come to see you in a place and you can make a living off it. | ||
| Yeah, but he can make a living off these videos if he wanted to do the same shit. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| How do you make a living off YouTube videos? | ||
| I have this really weird thing. | ||
| Are you making a living off YouTube videos? | ||
| I could if I wanted to, probably. | ||
| Really? | ||
| How much do people make off YouTube videos? | ||
| There's people that have whole careers based on YouTube videos. | ||
| Look at Tequila. | ||
| Okay, but how much money can you make off a YouTube video? | ||
| You're saying from advertising? | ||
| Or are you saying from people coming to see you live? | ||
| I'm saying back in the day, it used to be you had to get on stage and become a stand-up comic and really work to get 30 people in a room. | ||
| Where nowadays, you could take these same bits and jokes, make it into a YouTube video... | ||
| Get a billion people, and if you keep on doing that, then you could have a whole career based off either advertising, or you could have like a show on Crackle. | ||
| I mean, there's a lot of websites like Crackle that have sitcoms or TV shows, web-based series that are all based off people that did it, and they got picked up on TV shows. | ||
| Okay, I understand what you're saying. | ||
| However, what you're saying diminishes the idea of the art of stand-up comedy, and that's why it's silly. | ||
| I'm telling him that he could be an artist, a stand-up comedian. | ||
| He can go places and perform and do stand-up comedy. | ||
| What you're saying is he can instead do videos... | ||
| Well, I think a lot of stand-up people that want to be stand-up comics are now changing how they're getting their audience, you know? | ||
| Well, I definitely think people who want to be comedians are getting a lot of audience. | ||
| I mean, that Bob Burnham kid, he got a huge following from his YouTube videos. | ||
| And you could definitely, you know, get people attracted to stuff that you put online and then they want to come see you live. | ||
| But what I was saying to Eddie was that he could be an artist, a stand-up comedian as an artist. | ||
| He could do it. | ||
| He has a sense of... | ||
| He has that sense of humor. | ||
| He's got that way of looking at things. | ||
| He's always looking at the most ridiculous side of things. | ||
| Whenever there's a subject that comes up in the news, he's always looking at the most ridiculous aspect of it, like automatically. | ||
| And that's a comedian sensibility. | ||
| He's a funny guy looking for an audience, though. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He is, yeah. | ||
| But that's what I'm saying. | ||
| Like, stand-up comedy seems kind of diluted nowadays because I think if you're a funny guy looking for an audience, back in the day, stand-up comedy was like one of the only few options you could do because you couldn't get a TV show. | ||
| So now these people are like, hey, I'm a funny guy. | ||
| I want an audience. | ||
| I think a lot of these I think stand-up comedy is probably getting more and more diluted as more time goes on wouldn't you think? | ||
| No I disagree because I think the art of stand-up comedy to me as a patron as a person who goes to see it is still the most fun thing to see I went to see Louis C.K. the other day with Ari and I fucking loved it I had a great time I sat in the audience the other day when Aziz Anasari was working out his shit for the MTV Music Awards I was on that show and I enjoyed it I still enjoy the art of stand-up comedy in a crowd With a bunch of people there, it's funnier. | ||
| It's like the comedy club atmosphere I like. | ||
| I like sitting in a crowd. | ||
| I like drinking. | ||
| I like how everybody's laughing together. | ||
| I think that art form, to me, is insanely satisfying. | ||
| Way more satisfying than watching a video clip on YouTube. | ||
| It's not the same thing. | ||
| Haven't you said that there's barely any real stand-up comics nowadays? | ||
| How there used to be a bunch of real stand-up comics, and nowadays that number seems to be a lot smaller. | ||
| Well, it's just because there's less places to work. | ||
| I mean, in Boston, where I used to be, man, there were so many different comedy clubs in Boston and so many open mic nights that there was a real community developed around it. | ||
| But then as the economy tightened up and as a lot of these comics that were in that area moved out and the guys that had been there for a long time really didn't write any new material, the scene died out. | ||
| But if there was more comedy clubs and it was a thriving community, there'd be more comedians. | ||
| The real problem is they don't have enough places to perform. | ||
| There's not enough open mic nights. | ||
| Comedy comes and goes, man. | ||
| There's waves. | ||
| But I think right now is a very good wave for established guys. | ||
| If you look at all the guys that are around, like Louis C.K. and Chappelle, of course, Chris Rock, Dave Attell, Nick DiPaolo, Jim Norton, Patton Oswalt, of course. | ||
| He's one of my personal favorites. | ||
| And you see all these different guys that are out right now. | ||
| If you're a fan, Bill Burr, of course. | ||
| If you're a fan of stand-up comedy, there's so much good comedy going on right now. | ||
| Pablo Francisco. | ||
| Pablo Francisco. | ||
| I think this is one of the best times ever for stand-up comedy. | ||
| I think what's happened with the YouTube and the internet and MySpace and all this shit is that people have had a chance to extend their careers and make their careers penetrate further in than they would have ordinarily, not having any television shows, not having any movie credits. | ||
| Now people are getting big audiences just from stand-up comedy. | ||
| Just from using the YouTube clips. | ||
| Wouldn't you think that most stand-up comics are in it just to become actors? | ||
| No, dude. | ||
| No. | ||
| Really? | ||
| There's nothing more fun than real stand-up comedy. | ||
| I guarantee you Jim Norton is not in it to just become an actor. | ||
| I guarantee you Louis C.K. is not in it just to become an actor. | ||
| The really good guys are not. | ||
| There's so much fun in doing stand-up comedy. | ||
| That's just like a couple people compared to the thousands and thousands of people that are in it for stand-up comedy to become Well, we're talking about the best guys. | ||
| But we're talking about... | ||
| I just think that a lot of people look at the idea of doing stand-up comedy as a lot of pressure. | ||
| And that because of that pressure, they look to get off that pressure. | ||
| And that a television show is like a relief. | ||
| Like, oh, I'm free of the pressure. | ||
| Now, if the show bombs, it's not me that bombs. | ||
| It's the show. | ||
| If the bad writing was there when I got there, there's nothing I can do about it. | ||
| If I do a movie and the movie doesn't do well, but the next movie does fine, then I'm okay. | ||
| And so it becomes less responsibility on their back and a little bit easier. | ||
| And they look at it as a steady income as opposed to like something where stand-up comedy. | ||
| It's like, you know, no one's really going to be sure that people are going to come see you next week. | ||
| You know, you could only assume that you're going to continue to have an audience. | ||
| And you have to continue to produce and continue to do, you know, new sets on television, new Comedy Central specials, continue to write new material after that gets released so that people can come see you a year later and they know you got all new shit. | ||
| So there's a lot of pressure and a lot of people don't like that. | ||
| Maybe one day... | ||
| Me and Brian will get up and we'll battle. | ||
| On stage? | ||
| On stage. | ||
| Battle? | ||
| What do you mean by battle? | ||
| Why do we have to battle? | ||
| Yeah, why can't you just go up? | ||
| How about this? | ||
| How about we do a 10th Planet show and Joey will host and you guys will go up. | ||
| Oh yeah, that seems fair. | ||
| If we're in a battle. | ||
| No, we don't have to battle. | ||
| I didn't mean battle, battle. | ||
| We just go up and... | ||
| What I'm saying is do a 10th Planet show. | ||
| Joey goes up and hosts, brings Ari up, brings one of you guys up for five or ten minutes, whatever you're comfortable with, brings the other guy up, and then I'll go up. | ||
| I'll do a show. | ||
| I could do five minutes. | ||
| Yeah, I think you both could do five minutes. | ||
| Brian fucking killed it in Atlanta when he hadn't done comedy in years. | ||
| And he got talked to doing it during a nighttime show filled with UFC fans. | ||
| Oh, all fucking hammered on a Friday night. | ||
| So I was sold out. | ||
| You were good. | ||
| He killed. | ||
| Not only did he do good, he went into the abyss and pulled himself out of the flames. | ||
| He did good in the beginning. | ||
| And then he did a couple of jokes in a row that tanked and you were starting to fucking freak out. | ||
| And you kept it together. | ||
| I started doing it a lot, and I did a whole bunch. | ||
| I started doing it almost every week, a few times a week, but I got to a point where I just didn't have it in me. | ||
| You really have to give up your life to be a stand-up coach. | ||
| Well, you know what, dude? | ||
| Here's the thing, man. | ||
| You don't have to have it in you, but just because you don't have it in you doesn't mean that the art form isn't something that people should pursue if they want to be a comedian. | ||
| What you're saying, though, is that, I mean, as a comedian, I mean, I know you're not trying to offend me, but as a comedian, it's kind of offensive because you're saying that, like, somehow or another that someone, if they wanted to, should just go and do YouTube clips now and not become a stand-up comedian because it's too difficult. | ||
| No, I'm saying that if you are a stand-up comic, nowadays it seems like YouTube would make a lot more sense. | ||
| It's like Baba Booey and Howard Stern. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I just don't understand your point. | ||
| To be an artist, as a stand-up comedian, to be a real comic, you have to do it in front of an audience. | ||
| It's the only art form where you must have an audience to practice. | ||
| If you do not have an audience to practice, it's not going to be good. | ||
| Because you don't have immediate response of people laughing at you, whether you know whether or not it's funny. | ||
| Why? | ||
| We have immediate response right now. | ||
| You don't, though. | ||
| You're not hearing these people laugh. | ||
| I don't hear shit. | ||
| You just have people staring at you and texting things. | ||
| You don't get the same kind of direct, immediate, tangible response that you get when you're going on stage, where you know what various aspects of a joke are funny, how the transitions work. | ||
| You hear yourself in the recordings and you know this part sounded false or this part had too many words. | ||
| And it's an art form just piecing it all together and performing it in front of a live crowd. | ||
| But when you nail it, dude, When you're on stage and you fucking nail a joke where the audience is dying, and you're like, they're dying now, and I got like five more levels to this joke. | ||
| This joke, like, I'm hitting them now, and I'm like, I got some shit coming up after this I can't wait to get to. | ||
| Because I know if you think this is funny, this next part is my favorite part, and then boom, boom, boom, and it piles on. | ||
| There's nothing like that that you're ever going to get off YouTube. | ||
| You're not going to get that feeling. | ||
| You're not going to get that sort of a response from the people. | ||
| And as an audience member, you're not going to get something that's that much fun. | ||
| There's nothing to me more fun still after doing comedy for 20 years. | ||
| There's nothing more fun than watching comedy. | ||
| It's the best, man. | ||
| It's so much fucking fun. | ||
| It's, to me, the most fun art form, and that's why I'm a comedian. | ||
| What I was trying to say is that Eddie could have done that, too. | ||
| The only difference between me and him is that he had other things he was focusing on, and he went and pursued those. | ||
| But if he didn't, if he wasn't thinking about pursuing a career in jiu-jitsu, and wasn't thinking about pursuing a career in music, and had the kind of time that I had, When I started out doing comedy, for sure you would be just as successful as me. | ||
| For sure you'd be able to do everything that I'm doing. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| You'd be able to do everything that I did. | ||
| Everything. | ||
| It's not hard. | ||
| It's just a matter of focus. | ||
| And if you're an honest person and you evolve and you're objective and you look at your shit and you keep working at it, that's all it is. | ||
| Maybe one day I'll call it. | ||
| If you don't have the sense of humor, if you don't have the mind for comedy, the type of person who looks at things and goes, everybody else is agreeing, and you go, wait a minute, what the fuck is that? | ||
| That's how I was my whole life, and that's how you are. | ||
| And Brian, you are to a certain extent, too. | ||
| I mean, you have a different sense of humor than I do, and Eddie has a different sense of humor than you, and we're all different. | ||
| But we all have the same thing. | ||
| Where Brian, like, your sense, when it comes to technology, you're always doing this. | ||
| Someone will bring up a point, and you'll always be like, what? | ||
| No. | ||
| Everybody just thinks that because this, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup. | ||
| You'll go against the grain right away and pick out the flaws. | ||
| That's the idea, that's the mind of a stand-up comic. | ||
| The person who stands up, the person whose function in society is to stand up and look at things, besides being funny, stand up and look at things and goes, what the fuck is this? | ||
| That's what the comic does. | ||
| The comic looks at something and goes, what the fuck is this? | ||
| When everybody else just takes it for granted. | ||
| There's a lot of comics out there that just never become comics. | ||
| That's what I'm trying to say. | ||
| There's guys that work in gas stations that could be one of the funniest guys that have ever walked the face of the earth. | ||
| Just no one ever talked them into getting on stage. | ||
| They never directed their life in that order. | ||
| They never had the discipline to follow through. | ||
| You know, there's so many people like that that I met out there. | ||
| My friend Johnny B, my friend who was a pool player that died, that guy could have been one of the funniest fucking comedians that ever lived. | ||
| That dude could read human nature, knew when people were full of shit, knew what people's insecurities and weaknesses were, and always knew the funniest shit to say at any given moment. | ||
| There's a lot of people like that out there, and that's what a stand-up comic is. | ||
| You both are. | ||
| You both could do it. | ||
| Thank you very much, man. | ||
| This fucking show's over, bitches. | ||
| It's 519. Oh, yes. | ||
| Thank you for sponsoring us, Fleshlight. | ||
| Please, don't be a pussy. | ||
| If you are a pussy and you want to live your life just pretending you don't masturbate or pretending that it's something shameful about getting pleasure on your dick, then don't order the Fleshlight. | ||
| But everybody else, go order one of those things and fuck the shit out of it. | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| Redband.com for my friend Brian Reichel. | ||
| TenthPlanetJJ.com. | ||
| If you're in Hollywood and you want to get some jujitsu instruction plus some weed shamanism, there's no better place to go than Legends in Hollywood. | ||
| What's the number there? | ||
| TenthPlanetJJJ. | ||
| Hollywood located inside Legends MMA. 5176 Santa Monica Boulevard. | ||
| And to find you online, you can go to Twitter. | ||
| It's Eddie Bravo. | ||
| It's up there on the screen if you're a Ustream guy. | ||
| E-D-D-I-E-B-R-A-V-O. Thank you very much, everybody. | ||
| We love you, bitches. | ||
| We love doing this. | ||
| This is a fun fucking show. | ||
| I'm excited that we've continued to do this every day, or every week, rather, all year. | ||
| And we're going to keep going. | ||
| And as long as we have cool friends, it's going to keep being fun. | ||
| Eddie Bravo, Brian Redman. | ||
| And what about next week? | ||
| Joey Diaz. | ||
| Next week, Joey Coco Diaz. | ||
| Hopefully, nothing crazy comes up. | ||
| The Colombian knocked on my door. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I had to go on an adventure. | |
| It's the cat virus, Joe. | ||
| It's that fucking cat virus, cocksucker. | ||
| I can't concentrate. | ||
| My feet stink. | ||
| Ladies and gentlemen, that's the end of this week, and we will see you next week. | ||
| Thank you. |
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