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Dec. 22, 2023 - Jimmy Dore Show
01:00:51
20231222_TJDS_20231224_Podcast_-_122123_1.28PM
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Come see us do a live stand-up show.
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Go to jimmydo.com for a link for all those tickets.
Hey, this is Jimmy.
Who's this?
Jimmy, this is old-ass Joe Byte.
I'm so old.
Hello, Mr. President.
How you doing?
Old.
I'm doing oldly.
I see.
What's the sudden emphasis on your age, Joe?
Yeah, right.
Sudden emphasis.
Not like I don't hear about all the fucking time.
But for real, yeah, I'll tell you what's going on.
What's that?
Jimmy, I had a revelation the other day.
An epiphany.
Whatever you want to call it.
Outside my campaign headquarters in Wilmington, Delaware, a drunk driver plowed into my motorcade.
I wasn't in the car.
I was standing outside about 200 feet away, but I'm still going to say, I could have been killed.
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
I see.
But I wasn't.
God spared my life from that black drunk driver.
I didn't know he was black.
I didn't know that.
And like any narcissist, I took this relatively minor incident, inflated its scope, and made it somehow connected to my own personal destiny.
It was a sign, Jimmy.
A sign of what?
A sign for me to run for president again, even though I'm 81 years old.
Oh, my God.
I see.
I'll be honest with you, Jimmy.
I was on the fence privately, despite what I said publicly.
I am 81 years old for Christ's sake.
But then a drunkard fender bended a parked car in my vicinity.
And it was then that I knew that it was game on.
Old steam ahead.
2026, here we come.
No, no, it's 2024, you mean?
That too.
All the years.
Bring it on.
But at the same time, I can't hide from my age anymore.
That was the flip side of the epiphany.
Ah, okay.
I have to run for president, but I also have to acknowledge that I'm old as fuck.
The two go together, hand in club.
Yes, Axios just published an article saying that aides of yours are concerned that you are in denial about your age and that it's a real problem.
Jimmy, that's correct.
For a long time, I was going around saying, I feel so young, like some kind of deluded maniac.
Meanwhile, I'm having to wear special sneakers and undergo physical therapy because of the huge risk of me falling.
Right.
Literally, I'm just one whoa away from President Kamala Harris.
Fucking terrifying.
Probably the most precarious place this nation has ever been in, and I'm walking around saying, Yep, everything's fine.
It is insane.
It really is, man.
Well, no more.
I'm going to quit pretending I'm 42 damn years old.
No more tracksuits and cool guy sunglasses.
The look will be flannel slippers and giant reading glasses.
2024, I want to run as the real me, Tapioca Joe.
Okay, well, it's good you're being yourself and acknowledging you're old, but that doesn't actually address the problem that you are old.
Jimmy, you couldn't be more right.
But the first step to solve any problem is to acknowledge the problem exists in the first place.
I have acknowledged that I'm old.
Now we can move forward to address the issue.
How do you address the issue?
How do you make yourself not old?
Sometimes the simplest solution is the best solution, Jimmy.
For example, once we determined that it was Kamala Harris who was putting ball bearings on the floors of the West Wing hallways, we told her you need to stop doing that.
She got really day drunk, but she stopped.
You can't fix your age problem, though.
Jimmy, in a way, I can.
It's just primarily a problem of perception.
People know I'm old.
But it was the fact I was pretending I wasn't.
That everyone was saying I was spry and sharp.
That's what was really freaking people the fuck out.
So if I lean into being old, act more like a grandpa, that's going to put people at ease.
At least that's what our team has determined.
I see.
So get ready for Grandpa Joe.
I start mumbling, walking the wrong way, falling down.
It won't be concerning.
It will be expected.
Because I'm 81 goddamn years old.
Instead of me being outside trying to exercise, I'm going to be seen wearing a sweater, reading to my grandchildren, because that's what I should be doing anyway.
Wouldn't that make you feel better, Jimmy, if I just lean into it?
No, actually, not at all.
Well, what would make you feel better, you fucking pee princess?
If you didn't run it all, yeah, well, it's not gonna fucking happen.
Not a snowball's chance in hell, Jack.
Just give up.
Only I can defeat Donald Trump.
And with Hillary Clinton by my side on the campaign trail, I won't be invincible.
Her being resentful and shrill, and me doing old guy shit like calling into AM radio stations and saying racist stuff.
And at the end of the day, the United States, we'll have an 86-year-old president.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, sounds like a great plan, Joe.
Not just great, Jimmy.
Swell.
Aces.
Good enough to beat the band and other old-timey expressions.
Well, I had to go, Jimmy.
I have an appointment to go get that thing done to my face.
It makes me look like the clone from the last Starfighter.
But I'm going to tell him nothing doing.
No more.
We're going to let this baby hang loose.
And I'm 81 years old and I'm embracing it.
Later, Jimmy.
Okay, later, Mr. President.
Honey, where are my shoes?
I'm not.
I'm not.
Establishment media sets of august fighting.
So good luck.
Bullshit.
We can't afford.
Why is fomenting this?
Oh, oh, oh, watch and see as it's jacked off the medium speeds and jumps the medium and hit some head on.
It's the Jimmy tour show.
So So here it is.
Tell it like it is host Bill Maher, as in tell it like it is written on the company memo.
Look at the panel he puts together to talk about the Ukraine war.
I can't wait.
This is the one that's watch this.
CNN, senior political analyst and author of anchor and author of Lincoln and the Fight for Peace.
John Avalon, our returning champion.
Oh, so it's not Jim Shudo.
It's another guy from SCNN, John Avilo.
Oh, yeah, I looked him up.
He's a piece of shit, too.
Yeah, of course.
And she's an award-winning special correspondent for PBS News era and contributor to the New Yorker, whose memoir is called No Ordinary Assignment Change.
What a great pleasure to have you.
Wow, that's a great panel of diverse opinion he's got there.
That's living proof that scientists might not have human cloning down, but opinion cloning is coming along just fine because watch the opinions they have on Ukraine war.
And since you are a war correspondent, I thought we would teach you about war because that is what all, you know, everything in the news today is war.
I mean, especially the ones in Ukraine and Gaza and the Ukraine war.
We haven't talked about it in a while, but it's big in the news this week because the Republicans want to link more aid to Ukraine to Biden doing something about the border, which would not be a bad idea in itself.
I don't know why they have to be linked, but just to give you some.
But he was saying it like it was a bad thing, and then he realized, hey, wait a minute, I'm actually for doing something about the border.
Did you notice that?
He's just not going to look into anything.
He's not going to look into anything.
You're not going to talk about Ukraine in a while.
What were you talking about?
Bud Light Dylan Mulvini cans?
And if you don't understand why you would link a policy that you want to a policy that the other side wants, maybe you shouldn't be talking about politics for a living.
This is Politics 101.
Oh, you want more Ukraine funding?
Well, you have to fund the thing I want.
That's Politics 101.
The way he says, I don't know why I'm that way, but I accept everything.
It can't be fixed or improved.
You know, he's been wrong for a long time.
We did a segment on Clinton today from back in the 90s where they were talking about his long history of assaulting every woman within five feet of him.
And, you know, Bill Maher was there back then.
Oh, well, I didn't know our system of justice is accusation is guilt.
He was all on board.
He said Monica.
Bill Maher said that Monica Lewinsky came to Washington, D.C. with knee pads.
He did that job.
That was Maher?
Yeah.
Yeah, it was either Bill Maher or Michael Moore said that.
On Bill Maher.
On Bill Maher's show, and everyone laughed.
I am a little surprised at him.
But yeah, no, when we showed that clip, I said, yeah, that's exactly how it was back then.
All these people who would go on to be the most ardent MeTooers, they were all laughing at Monica, laughing at all the women who came out and accused him.
Everyone thought it was a hoot when Carville made his little crack about you drag a dollar bill through a trailer park, you'll find all kinds of stuff out there.
Everyone thought that was real clever.
Well, watch this.
Let's watch this video and watch how they all agree.
And they're all completely right.
It's like a fantasy land watching Bill Maher.
This is the guy who's supposed to give you the straight dope about politics.
Watch this, what they say.
Stats.
Okay.
They've spent $111 billion so far on this.
Already off.
They want $61 billion more.
I think some of that is for Israel as well.
Problem is, it's a stalemate.
It's a stalemate.
Not that Russia has gained all the territory it ever wanted.
It's got Crimea.
It's got the Donbass.
It's got a direct path to the sea.
Everything it's always wanted.
It's a stalemate.
That's hooray.
That's what they always wanted.
What?
We got a stalemate.
Okay, so watch this.
After two years, they say the frontline has moved less than 500 square miles, less than 500 square miles of territory have changed hands.
150,000 Russian dead.
By the way, I'm starting a new dating service called Stalemate.
It's for folks who want to find someone just as uninformed about the wars as they are.
Oh, I thought Lynx hookers up with Bill Maher.
Stalemate.
Their slogan is, I don't know.
What do you want to do?
Okay, here we go.
Watch this facts, these facts he threw out that aren't fact.
Only 70,000 Ukrainian dead, Jimmy.
70,000 Ukrainian dead.
See, Bill Maher just said, let me back it up.
150,000 Russian dead.
150,000 Russian dead.
This is the numbers Bill Maher has.
And how many Ukrainians dead?
Now, the actual number is 400,000.
They don't have anybody left to go into their army.
That's why they have to pull guys off of bus stops and throw them into a van and conscript them.
That's what's happening.
They only had 70,000 men under 25 in the whole country.
The average age of their fighting is like in their 40s.
It's 43.
43 years old.
43 now.
And they're doing numbers like basically Russia has Hamas casualties versus Ukraine's Israel casualties.
70,000 Ukrainian dead.
He's only off by a factor of 400%.
Where do you, Bill, who is writing this down for you?
What kind of morons write for Bill?
You know someone who writes for Bill Maher right now?
It's a friend of mine.
And I've been meaning it because I want to, I just have to know.
Did they go?
Well, of course, I hope your friend who writes for Bill Maher when you talk to him says, well, of course I know the truth, but I can't tell Bill the truth.
I'll get fired.
I didn't get enough time alone with them to ask about it, but we laughed about some other things.
Remember, Bill Maher was going to go back to a show during the writer's strike.
These are all guild writers.
Yeah, he was going to do a show without writers.
I'm not speaking from my friend, but I got the sense that writers were like, okay, Bill.
So now they're filling him full of false information.
They're trying to make him to embarrass himself.
No, I'll bet a bunch of them don't know Jack shit.
I'll bet that's.
But if you work for Maher, do you think he wants to hear?
Like, I'm like, all right, I'm in that writer's room, and even I know how off those numbers are.
And I know what it's like to be in a writer's room where everybody doesn't want to believe the thing you're saying is real, that is real, and they're all wrong.
And he seems like a guy that doesn't take, you know, he doesn't, he's like, oh, how could that be?
A half a million.
You haven't looked into it, Bill?
When he had Thomas Frank on a while ago, and this was in the 2016 election, and Frank had just written Listen Liberal.
And he starts talking about why people have turned away from the Democratic Party.
And that was the moment where everyone was supposed to be circling wagons around Hillary.
No negativity about Hillary.
And I have no idea why he invited him on, because as soon as he started putting out his thesis about how the Democrats lost the working class, Maher just tears into, you know, you're the kind of liberal.
People's eyes just glaze over as soon as they start talking.
You're just, you're just, what you're saying, you know, it just turns people off.
Just would not let him make his case at all.
So yeah, if you're a writer on that show, if he's going to treat a guest that way on the show, how does he say that?
Yeah, imagine how he would treat her.
So watch, watch the kids, it gets worse.
Watch this.
We're still having fights over territory and armies in both here and Gaza.
So I know the people, I mean, I've always tried to be good for the people of Ukraine and back them.
And I think that's the right thing.
But I also heard a lot, you were in Afghanistan, right?
Remember Iraq in both wars.
We can still win this thing.
But we couldn't neither one.
What's your assessment on whether we can still win this one?
I think, can I just say, can I just say Amber Heard has a better chance of coming back than the Ukraine army does.
Legitimately, I think she does.
Legitimately.
Yeah.
But listen to his two experts.
At least Bill Maher has some sense of history.
At least he's got 100% wrong facts in front of him.
He repeats propaganda from the war machine ad nauseum.
But at least he has a sense of history.
Like, hey, wait a minute.
Haven't we done this a couple of times before in the last 20 years?
Hasn't it always turned out horrible?
Haven't they always said if we just keep fighting, we can win?
And of course we can't.
At least he has that sense of history, which leads me to believe that Bill Maher really is that ignorant and uninformed.
He's not, he doesn't realize he's doing propaganda most of the time.
He actually believes the stuff he's saying.
Don't you watch Club Randy?
Oh, yeah.
So watch what is go ahead.
Russell, I know Jimmy probably don't know this, Revis, but Russell, you know, in Lord of the Rings, that king, worm tongues whispering in his ear, and the king's all old and gray.
Yes.
And he keeps whispering crap.
And the king kind of is like, knows something.
The guy whispers more.
And then when they finally get the guy away from him, he turns young again.
That's Bill Maher's that guy.
He's like kind of aware of something dimly.
And then these two worm tongue, I mean, these people are scum, both of them.
If you went to Iraq and you're saying the shit they're going to say now, you're the scum of the earth.
It's dangerous to compare the war in Ukraine with the post-9-11 counter-terrorism wars where America was really sort of fighting shadows.
It's hard to, it's really dangerous to make an apt comparison and to have a sense of history.
We should forget everything and pretend like Ukraine just happened and it's the first time we've ever been faced with something like this.
So we can keep funding this losing battle against Russia.
That's what we should do.
We should just ignore history, ignore everything you've ever learned, ignore that fact that we all figured out that the military industrial complex owns Congress and the corporate press, and they've been lying to us about every war in my lifetime.
We should ignore all that.
Because you know why?
Because that's dangerous.
That's only dangerous to the people who have stock in Raytheon.
That's not dangerous, actually.
It's dangerous to people being alive.
That's right.
I condemn Hamas, as you know, Jimmy, but they are better than this woman.
It's dangerous to compare the war in Ukraine with the post-9-11 counter-terrorism wars where America was really sort of fighting shadows.
They were chasing terrorists around the world.
This is not a Ukrainian fight.
This is not sending money just so Ukraine can fight its own war.
This is a war against Vladimir Putin and his expansionism into Europe, essentially.
So if we don't stop, it's the domino theory.
If we don't stop Vladimir Putin in Ukraine, he's going to go conquer Europe.
He's going to go to Poland.
He's going to go to Hungary.
He's going to go to Germany.
He's going to go.
He's going to go to the UK.
He's going to take over.
He's the new Hitler.
It's the whole, it's the domino theory.
It's the domino theory.
Even though Putin's been in power for 20 years and he hasn't done any of that stuff, and they want you to think, oh my.
I hope these people are like...
He doesn't bring on Max Blumenthal.
He doesn't bring on Glenn Greenwald anymore because Glenn Greenwald handed him his ass about United States being the world's terrorists and not Muslims.
He'll never bring on anybody who, and I bet he never brought on Listen Liberal.
What's his name?
Thomas Francis.
He never brought him back on there.
Because he probably didn't read their dumb books.
They've been on.
he always has some like, like he's almost like the modern, the pop culture thing where Harvey Kissinger is hanging out.
He has those kind of people all the time, and he knows them as his past.
Like Cornell West, how Cornell West is a dipshit.
He's the same kind of dipshit.
Let's listen.
This is a war for global world order.
This is political.
This is a war for global world order.
That's Nazi-ish.
That sounds like world norm.
It sounds like we have norms, right?
Global.
We have to protect global norms.
Geostrategic importance of this war is vastly bigger than any of my countries.
How long do you not history?
But not this year.
This is not.
Not this.
This is not an overreach of American foreign policy.
Not at all.
This one's important.
These same people told you Iraq was important.
Libya was important.
Afghanistan was important.
Syria was important.
Somalia was important.
Yemen.
These same people told you all that bullshit.
And now none of that actually, all that stuff I said before that wasn't this is important.
It's funny to watch Bill Maher is just stupid and knowing Jon Stewart knowingly was bullshitting and it got to him.
Yeah.
You know, John Stewart was like, he didn't want to do that Condi and Hillary thing at all.
He did it, though.
Yeah, well, he's a pussy.
But Bill Maher is actually like willfully fucking stupid.
Yes.
He's like, I don't want to know things.
And this stalemate.
I mean, they thought it was going to be World War III and it's really World War I. The reason to fund Ukraine is because we learned lessons of history, which is that you cannot reward aggression.
And it's, oh, shit.
I want both of them handed over to the Taliban immediately.
Both of these reporters.
Let the Taliban decide what to do.
So not that if you've learned from history, you realize this is another bogus war provoked by NATO and the United States.
It's over fossil fuels, which is why we blew up the Nord Stream pipeline.
They never even bring up the Nord Stream pipeline.
They never even bring that up.
Have we won a war since World War II?
No, no, by the way, no.
No, called it a war.
No.
They always, whenever they want to gin people up for a war, yeah, they appeased Hitler.
And if we do it this time, it's what about the other lessons about how we fell for the Gulf of Tonkin?
Or how about don't appease Nazis at the end of the war?
Well, that's true.
How about not importing the Nazis to run your space?
This is just so mind-numbingly on purpose, wrong, and backwards.
Look, there's a sweet spot in supporting Nazis, and we have to find it.
It's after World War II, not before World War II.
They're not hired as journalists.
They're cast as propagandists.
That's their role.
That's what they're there for.
They are to journalism what grape drink is to grape juice.
Yes.
It's a little reminiscent of the thing itself, but it is not the thing.
Right.
I can't even remember what grape juice tastes like after far cheaper to fund Ukraine now than to let Ukraine fall and then have the front move.
I thought Russia just lost way more troops than Ukraine.
We were just how will they do that?
The New York Times just told me Russia has been staggering huge losses, but now he's there saying, no, we can't, they're going to take over Europe.
Russia's going to take over Europe.
Whatever it is that could get people riled up to support this war, they'll say it, no matter what it is.
Just like no matter what it is they could say to make people afraid of electing Donald Trump, they'll say it.
No matter what it is, they'll say it that Russia is so strong they're going to take over Europe.
The next day they'll say Russia's losing staggeringly long.
We can't stop now.
So whatever it is, they'll say it.
This is called corporate news.
This is Bill Maher real time.
Boy, real dumb time.
I remember I got a gig.
It was a bunch of comics.
It's like this, you're doing fake stand-up about a product like pop-tarts or whatever.
Yeah.
You know, these interstitial ads.
Yeah.
I remember going to do it because I needed the money.
It wasn't even that great.
That kind of money.
And it was so brutal having to make a joke about pop-tarts that would in no way offend the advertising problem, things of pop-tart.
It was such a hellish, it wasn't that much work.
It was like a day's worth of hell of trying to think of a way to not want to blow my brains out from fake doing stand-up about pop-tarts.
Okay.
And these people, they must have that feeling.
We're like, this is what I want to do with my life.
I want to feel the feeling of pretending that this, like not offending the establishment narrative with my journalism, like an advertisement.
And Bill Maher doesn't go, get the fuck out of here.
If we've learned anything from history, we have to keep funding bullshit wars.
He doesn't say that.
He's like, well, good point.
I'm glad my booker got you on the show.
That's great.
Yeah, he takes it nowhere.
He just wanted to get that World War I. And I'm pretty sure it's not a good analogy with World War I. Besides the senseless bloodshed of it, it's actually not like World War II.
Right.
Well, this serves no purpose other than to program the PMCs with talking points.
It's just telling people who have just enough to have something to lose and not enough to step out of line what they're supposed to believe.
That is the only function this kind of so-called journalism serves.
It's to tell you what you're supposed to tell your co-workers, what you're supposed to say at the PTA in your suburban neighborhood about what you think about Ukraine or anything else.
And they hire these spokesmodels about those talking points.
The company newsletter.
And the guy who knows the least about the subject, Bill Maher, is the only guy kind of pushing back.
The other two people who are supposed to be their specialty, this is what they do all day long.
They couldn't know less about it.
It's like that lady put on a ninja hat and went to Iraq, Jimmy.
It was no ordinary assignment for a real ordinary mind.
I just, and Bill Maher, again, and nobody, of course, at HBO, they don't bring anybody on That has a counter narrative.
Of course, he's not going to bring on anybody who has a counter narrative.
Nobody ever again.
Ever again.
He used to bring on Glenn Greenwald.
He used to bring on Thomas Frank.
He used to.
Why has he talked about Ukraine in a long time?
It's been going on this whole time.
Yeah, why wouldn't you keep talking about it?
And you could have found out they were losing.
Like, he just heard it hasn't been going well just now.
And he got the numbers backwards.
Russia lost 150,000 people.
Ukraine's lost 770.
They lost 70 in March of last year.
They lost 70,000 people.
What are you talking about?
And why'd they shave off $2 billion off the $113 billion?
I was already lowballing it.
Yeah, why would wow?
I would really like to know.
I wonder if I know any of the comedians who write for Bill Maher.
I'm going to ask my buddy because I'm dying to know where he got those numbers.
They're not even the numbers that people write.
Can you find a list of the names of the people who write for Bill Maher?
I just want to know for my own.
Yeah.
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According to CNN, dozens of documents naming Jeffrey Epstein's victims are going and his associates are going to be made public in 2024.
Hey, first of all, why not right now?
Why in 2024?
Right now, why not right now?
Will it be more special in 2024?
I'd like to know now.
And so a federal judge in New York has ordered the names of dozens of Jeffrey Epstein's alleged victims and associates to be made public in 2022.
Jeffrey's associates.
Yes, Jeffrey's associates.
Yeah.
So I get that part.
I get Jeffrey's associates, but the victims.
Yeah.
Seems strange.
I mean, shouldn't it be his.
I get if someone's accusing someone, you make their name, you make their names public, but I don't think all his victims are accused are coming public.
So if someone is accusing someone, yes, you have, I think you should make the accuser's name public, but not just every victim.
That seems weird.
It's weird how much they covered up the names of the accusers of Russell Brand, a thing that went nowhere.
Yes.
And this is.
His accusers, not his victims.
Yeah, no, his accusers.
His accusers.
Oh, we have to protect them.
But actual.
But the actual victims here.
Yeah.
Yeah, they put them out.
That seems weird.
The order issued Monday by Judge Loretta A. Presca is the latest filing in a settled case by Virginia Roberts Gufri, an American woman who claimed Epstein sexually abused her while she was a minor, and that Ghislaine Maxwell, Epstein's former girlfriend, a longtime accomplice, aided in that abuse.
Epstein was indicted in 2019 on federal charges of operating a sex trafficking ring in which he allegedly sexually abused dozens of underage girls.
I don't think it's alleged anymore.
I think he was convicted.
He was convicted on having sex with minors.
Okay.
Oh, okay.
He was about to be, you know, go.
Oh, and they killed him.
And then, yeah.
Yeah.
He might have killed himself because of the best option.
CNN says they say this.
CNN says the multi-millionaire died by suicide.
Sometimes agents will kill themselves is the best way out.
And I have that clip of him going, you know, people go crazy and they take their lives.
I'm saying clearly he worked with them.
If he didn't commit suicide, they definitely would kill him.
But it is possible he did as part of, hey, kill yourself.
It's the best way out.
That is possible.
He did not kill himself, Kurt.
Kurt, I've got news for you.
Jeffrey Epstein did not kill himself.
Well, I didn't think that I saw him saying that thing.
He did not kill himself.
I don't think it wasn't.
If he killed himself, there wouldn't be all the shenanigans around what happened in the prison.
First of all, there'd be video of it.
Second, I'm supposed to.
All that stuff.
All the stuff that I, all that stuff that happened around him allegedly killing himself was all garbage bullshit.
The place would have been locked down.
They didn't do the right searches.
They didn't do the right things.
They didn't do anything correctly.
Do you remember the guy in Nuremberg, the fat one of Hitler's party who was awaiting execution?
And he had snuck it.
No, I don't know anything about this.
Okay.
Well, Goring, famously, he was supposed to be brought to justice.
He got convicted.
And then somehow he got his hands on a cyanide pill because he'd befriended a guard and he took his own life because somebody slipped him a thing.
That's what I'm referring to.
I'm not saying, oh, I don't think I'll make it.
Yeah, but do you know the story that surrounds this?
That the guards both fell asleep.
They were both replaced.
They were supposed to go do the head count.
They didn't do it twice.
The prison's supposed to be locked down if you do a head count and it's not right.
And it didn't happen.
So none of that stuff happened.
So that's how I know he didn't kill himself.
So anyway, back to this.
You get what I'm saying?
Okay.
I don't think I do.
So the multi-millionaire died.
My whole point is that that is not true, Kurt.
He didn't kill himself.
And if you think he killed himself, I've got a vaccine I'd like to sell you.
Do you ever see a godfather where they let the guy go home and get a business?
Yeah, I'm saying, and if he did do that, they'd have to turn the cameras off.
Why would they, why?
You think the guards, they're going to let them?
Why would they have to turn the cameras?
They just say that the cards fell asleep.
Because they have to stop.
They have to stop you.
No, they would just say the guards fell asleep.
We were supposed to be watching the cameras.
Would you think they want the guard?
All right.
Well, that's why it doesn't make any sense that he would kill himself and then they would have to do all that other shady shit.
If he did kill himself, they would just say the guards fell asleep.
Oh, we were watching the camera.
I fell asleep.
Didn't the guards say they fell asleep?
So, yes.
Yeah.
But if you.
But why there would be a video of it?
Why would you also turn off the camera?
So they're missing it.
You're missing a logical step here.
I think it's likely he was murdered, but I'm just saying.
All right.
Prosecutors in New York indicted Maxwell on sex trafficking charges involving multiple victims.
She was convicted in 2021.
In August 2019, the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit unsealed hundreds of pages of documents a day before Epstein died in prison, ruling that the district court judge had improperly sealed hundreds of filings.
The judge had since died.
Really?
Well, I hope it was a suicide.
That's how this works, right?
You can't fix a mistake until the judge who makes it dies.
Am I right?
I don't get that either.
Wait for the judge to die.
Then we can look at it.
The appeals court then remanded the case back to the district court to go through the rest of the documents individually and determine what could be unsealed.
Judge Presco, who has since taken over the case, ruled for the unsealing of more documents in July 2020, including Maxwell's 2016 deposition related to the lawsuit, as well as emails and depositions by others.
So why do they need to sort through anything?
Why can't they just unseal it all?
I'm kidding.
I know it's to protect the intelligence agency.
He's owned by intelligence, is what the guy said.
That's right.
The guy that Trump, that everybody, oh, Trump appointed this guy.
He goes, I was told he belongs to intelligence.
Yeah.
Then he wouldn't say it ever again.
That's right.
Many of the alleged victims gave public interviews and have already been identified by the media, while others did not raise an objection to the unsealing of documents.
According to press, so this is so according to according to them, the victims are cool with this.
As for the Epstein associates, it's unclear how many have been investigated for alleged wrongdoings or will be.
I'm going to guess none of them.
The order says Epstein's associates, one of whom played a role in his sex trafficking crimes and another whose name came up in a criminal trial, will also have their documents unsealed in full.
Some of the documents to be again, none of the clients.
And none of the people?
See, these are just people who also enabled the trafficking, but none of the clients.
Who were the client?
That's what we want.
That's what associates means.
That's what they mean by associates.
People like Ghislaine Maxwell and other people who helped him do this.
Not the client list.
Oh, I thought it meant like I thought it meant like your Prince Andrews and such.
No, that's what.
Wow.
So it's nothing.
It's nothing.
It probably something that hurts people.
Wow.
Some of the documents to be released include information of those who have died, including one person who died in 2018, but was widely associated with Epstein and featured in photos at Epstein's Island residence in Little St. James.
They also include people associated with Maxwell.
So these are not the clients.
These are people who were doing the trafficking.
After Epstein's death, the U.S. Attorney Office in Manhattan indicated it would focus on the conspiracy charge against Epstein, which accused him of working with employees and associates to operate a vast sex trafficking ring involving dozens of girls.
Epstein pleaded guilty to two Florida prostitution charges in 2008 and served 13 months in prison.
The conspiracy, that's less time than the January 6th people got.
The conspiracy count could allow prosecutors to charge anyone else involved in the scheme.
So not the clients.
So why were they even hiding this in the first place since it's not even the rich?
It's just some scumbag.
You're even protecting.
Yes, the other scumbags.
So watch this.
This is from 2019.
Amy Roebuck exposed how ABC News refused to publish her explosive Jeffrey Epstein expose implicating Prince Andrew and who?
Bill Clinton.
Watch this.
I've had the story for three years.
I've had this interview with Virginia Roberts.
We would not put it on the air.
First of all, I was told who's Jeffrey Epstein.
No one knows who that is.
This is a stupid story.
Then the palace found out that we had her whole allegations about Prince Andrew and threatened us a million different ways.
We were so afraid we wouldn't be able to interview Kate that we that also quashed the story.
And then Alan Dershowitz was also implicated in it because of the planes.
She told me everything.
She had pictures.
She had everything.
She was in hiding for 12 years.
We convinced her to come out.
We convinced her to talk to us.
It was unbelievable what we had.
Clinton, we had everything.
I tried for three years to get it on to no avail.
And now it's all coming out.
And it's like these new revelations.
And I freaking had all of it.
I'm so pissed right now.
Like every day I get more and more pissed because I'm just like, oh my God.
What we had was unreal.
Other women backing it up.
Hey, yep.
Brad Edwards, the attorney, three years ago saying, like, there will come a day when we will realize Jeffrey Epstein was the most prolific pedophile this country has ever known.
I had it all three years ago.
There's your corporate news, ladies and gentlemen.
Didn't whoever leaked this get blacklisted or something?
They didn't verify it either.
So this is her talking off camera in between a commercial break.
And then apparently the cameras are always running in a TV station.
And so someone got that.
And then someone leaked it.
I think it was someone from CBS or something.
And they fired some girl.
And then someone got fired.
But they blacklisted her.
Yeah.
For, I mean, if I was Amy Roebach, I wouldn't be embarrassed.
This came out.
You know, I might be.
But this kills her career, right?
I mean, where does she work now?
I was just looking at her.
Where does she work now?
Well, she just got fired for having an affair with someone she worked with very recently.
Okay.
So they sent a super handsome guy to seduce her.
Hey, Tim Burkett says that the Congress is blocking the release of Jeffrey Epstein's flight logs because too many of my colleagues are compromised and are being blackmailed.
Watch this.
And too many of my colleagues, I'm afraid, are compromised in this area for whatever reason.
Somebody just whispered in their ear, said, hey, you don't want something to come out on something else.
You better keep your mouth shut on this.
It's not about it.
And it continues to go, whether it's the honeypot that the Russians used to use or something worse.
I don't know.
So what he's saying is they're threatened.
Can you turn off the AC?
They're threatening people who want to investigate this and people in government or in power.
And they said, hey, you better not because we've got dirt on you.
This is the old J. Edgar Hoover technique.
I'm starting to suspect.
I'm starting to think I might know the reason why Israel is the third rail of politics.
And too many of my colleagues, I'm afraid, are compromised in this area for whatever reason.
Somebody's whispered in their ear and said, hey, you don't want something to come out on something else.
You better keep your mouth shut on this.
And that's exactly what they've done.
And it continues to go, whether it's the honeypot that the Russians used to use or something worse, I don't know.
But it's clearly, you see that up and down the line.
You see good conservatives vote for liberal policies.
And why?
Because they got something on him.
So Tim Burchett says Congress is blocking the release of Jeffrey Epstein's flight logs because too many of my colleagues.
Tim Burchett, you know who that is?
No, who is Tim Burchett?
The guy who was trying to get the UFO stuff out that they're also blocking.
Oh, really?
I think I like this guy because every time I see him, he's trying to get some kind of thing out.
And he's like, my colleagues are strangely blocking this.
But apparently, both this and whatever the UFO stuff is, that's also being mysteriously blocked.
And I mean, since there's nothing there, I don't get why they can't release it.
Same with Epstein, obviously.
He's an American politician who was, oh, this goddamn.
They keep wanting me to.
He's an American politician who is the U.S. representative for Tennessee's second congressional district based in Knoxville, serving since 2019.
So that guy, wow.
That guy's going to be Epstein's.
You don't think he's going to, I mean, he's like, when I watch him talk and I think that same thing, I go, boy, this guy is like, can it, you know, because he's about Spaceman stuff.
And I'm like, they're not going to come and screw with him.
And he's describing about how they try to bullshit you with top secret stuff.
They take you in these skiff rooms.
And he was explaining how the whole thing works.
It was very interesting.
He didn't seem like he was afraid to do shit about it.
But, you know, that's just alien life.
This is Epstein.
You could die for that.
Wow.
Okay.
So, no, they're not going to release the client list.
They're just going to release more people who are doing the trafficking.
And apparently they were trafficking underage girls to nobody.
To nobody.
Nobody that you need to know about.
It's not important.
So why is Ghislayton Maxwell in prison?
That's what we're saying.
So Ghislaine Maxwell's in prison for trafficking underage girls to nobody.
To nobody.
And, you know, I wouldn't be surprised if she's not in prison.
Right?
How do we know she's in prison?
That's, I mean, is there anything that you can actually take at face value anymore?
If she is.
Is Jeffrey Epstein actually dead?
Is Ghislaine Maxwell actually in prison?
I mean, I don't know.
So a lot of some people say Jeffrey Epstein's living on another island somewhere.
But I don't believe they take care of their people like that.
I think they kill them when they're done with them, just like we do.
Like when we killed Saddam Hussein, was our friend, then we killed him, we were done with them.
Same thing with Muamar Gaddafi.
We killed him.
Robert Maxwell.
Robertville was done with him.
He said, hey, pay me more.
And then he had a heart attack on his boat.
That's right.
So, yeah, I think that's, you know, when you go to work for the deep state, as soon as they're done with you, they kill you.
So, Rachel Maddow, the war pig and the lapdog to power who's been lying to you since she got that show.
She's the biggest propagandist on TV, and that's saying something.
She's a bigger propagandist than Sean Hannity.
I mean, that is saying something.
Yes.
And so listen to what she has to say about Donald Trump being thrown off the ballot in Colorado.
Listen to what she says.
We're all just trying to absorb this.
I mean, listen, I think in the broad strokes in terms of our democracy, there are very few magic wands.
When she says magic wands, does she mean besides censorship?
We just got the one.
Has anyone tried the magic of giving half a shit about their own citizens and not just rich donors?
It sounds counterintuitive, Kurt, but it just might work.
Magic isn't real, Jimmy.
There are very few sort of magic spells that you cast that make a complex and difficult problem go away.
It just doesn't happen very often in our political system.
And so she's calling Donald Trump a very complicated and difficult problem.
How do you solve a problem?
How do you like Maria?
So that's what she's saying.
So she's saying that the Trump, his political movement and Donald Trump himself are a very complicated and difficult problem.
And she wishes the establishment had a magic wand to make it go away.
Yeah, well, that's how you know this ain't going to stand because she's not saying the walls are closing in like she usually.
Right.
That's right.
Here we go.
I think that we shouldn't be under any illusions about the character and the partisan inclinations, among other things, of this current Supreme Court as it is constituted.
Not Colorado.
So she's talking about this U.S. Supreme Court being partisan.
Not this.
That's the thing that happens.
Not the Colorado Supreme Court that just did this, even though every one of them is a Democrat.
This is one of her less crazy statements, by the way, because she is saying it's not going to work.
Yes.
Yes.
She is saying that the Supreme Court will overturn this.
But here we go.
That said, it is not.
This is not a crazy thing for a democracy to do.
This is this.
Well, Rachel, it's not a crazy thing for our democracy to do since we live in a banana republic that is trying to rig an election to keep a demented half a corpse in power.
It's not crazy for a democracy, but for this particular one, it's not crazy.
If it was like a Nicaragua, a normal democracy where they can count votes and it's not that complicated and, you know, that's different.
But we have a dead guy who's in office, a whole bunch of senile people, sloth from the goonies who can't even talk, who just came out as not progressive.
And they're using all the state power to keep weekend weekend at Bernie's two.
We're going past weekend at Bernie's.
We're going straight to weekend of Bernie's two.
Wow.
This is not abnormal or unheard of to exclude a candidate from the ballot, especially one that is dangerous to our democracy.
As crass and unreasonable as Donald Trump.
Oh my God.
Yeah, just ask Bernie Sanders because they did that to him in 2016 in the primary.
But don't look into that.
In fact, in fact, don't even ask Bernie Sanders because if you ask Bernie Sanders about anything right now, he'll ask you who's paying you.
He just wants to keep his wife out of jail.
That's right.
He just wants to keep his wife out of jail.
That's why Bernie can't tell the truth about anything.
This is something that was a hallmark of post-war Germany after World War II.
This is something that happened to Jair Bolsonaro in Brazil quite recently.
So wait, I'm going to back it up and play without stop because what she says at the end, I have a lot to say about.
Here we go.
We're all just trying to absorb this.
I mean, listen, I think in the broad strokes in terms of our democracy, there are very few magic wands.
There are very few sort of magic spells that you cast that make a complex and difficult problem go away.
It just doesn't happen very often in our political system.
And I think that we shouldn't be under any illusions about the character and the partisan inclinations, among other things, of this current Supreme Court as it is constituted.
That said, this is not a crazy thing for a democracy to do.
It's not a crazy thing for our democracy, which isn't a democracy, which is an oligarchy.
That's why they're doing it, because this is an oligarchy.
This isn't a democracy.
We don't have a great democracy, like, say, you know, Nicaragua.
Right.
It was a hallmark of post-war Germany after World War II.
This is something that happened.
She's saying that disqualifying candidates from the ballot is a very normal thing for democracies to do.
Listen to where she says they do it.
Was a hallmark of post-war Germany after World War II.
Post-war Germany.
They did that to keep Nazis off the ballot, people who committed genocides against Jews in concentration camps.
She's equating Donald Trump and MAGA with that.
And then she goes from that to guess what else?
This is something that was a hallmark of post-war Germany after World War II.
This is something that happened to Jair Bolsonaro in Brazil.
That's unbelievable.
And she thinks it's okay that they're doing it to Bolsonaro in Brazil.
So do you want to know what happened in Brazil?
I'll explain it to you.
In Brazil, they hated the establishment, the corporate establishment, the same one that runs America, runs Brazil.
They wanted to get rid of the lefty, which was Lula.
So what they did is they put Lula in prison.
They put Lula in prison like they're trying to do to Trump right now.
They put Lula in prison, and they thought that the center-right guy would win.
So they thought that Marco Rubio would win, or they thought that, you know, or Chris Christie or Nikki Haley would win.
But instead, what happened in Brazil when they put Lula in prison, Bolsonaro won, which is the Trump of Brazil.
And they freaked out.
They're like, oh, shit, the far-right guy won instead of the center-right guy.
So what did they do?
They then let Lula back out of prison because they knew Lula was the only guy who could beat Bolsonaro.
They have that election.
He beats Bolsonaro just barely.
And then they make it illegal for Bolsonaro to run for president again, just like they're doing to Donald Trump now.
Now, I'm not a fan of Bolsonaro.
I'm not a fan of Donald Trump, but I'm smart enough to see the game that's being played here, that the establishment is now making their political enemies criminal and criminalizing any political movement they can't handle.
And this is happening since Brexit and Donald Trump's election.
They did it in Pakistan.
They did it in Brazil.
And now they're doing it in the good old US of A. And Rachel Maddow uses these as examples that make this okay instead of something that should set your hair on fire about how undemocratic and oligarchical this is.
This is what fascists do.
This is what dictators do.
This is what authoritarian governments do.
And now the mask has been ripped off in America.
You see that you don't live in a democracy.
You live in an authoritarian oligarchy that is run by the deep state and a handful of billionaires.
One of them is Bill Gates.
Would you, now I don't want to be dramatic, but would you say this violates norms?
I would say this violates norms.
I'm trying to think of what norms he actually violated besides like being good at roasting the opponents.
Well, what here's the norm he violated.
He wouldn't do war.
He ran on an anti-interventionist platform and then he wouldn't do war the way the deep state wanted him to.
And so for that, they rushigated him.
They impeached him twice.
And now they've indicted him four times and now they're kicking him off ballast because he won't do war the way they wanted him to.
I mean, it sounds like a bigger violation of norms.
He's the only president in my lifetime who didn't start a war.
Well, I'll never forgive him.
I thought I said today he was a president, and the next day I said today he's not a president.
Yeah, so what remember when he bombed Syria?
They go, oh, today he became a president.
Yeah, the good times?
And that was the truth in the establishment's eyes.
The kid popped his cherry.
Like he's the mob.
Yeah, that's exactly what they do.
You got to, Mike, I got to pull one in.
This is something that our own Congress did in 1868 after our own civil war, specifically to preclude anybody from holding office in this country who had engaged in insurrection against this country.
And so it's not heard of, but it would be an incredible wildcard.
So by the way, he didn't engage in an insurrection.
And you know how I know?
He's never been charged with that crime, and he's never been convicted of that crime.
And by the way, here's the 14th Amendment.
It also contains a due process clause.
So they're saying they're doing this because of the 14th Amendment.
They've kicked him off the ballot.
Here's what it says in the 14th Amendment.
No state shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or Immunities of citizens of the United States, nor shall any state deprive any person of life, liberty, or property without due process of law, nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.
Now, I'm not a big fancy lawyer, Kurt, but I'm pretty sure Trump was never charged or convicted with an insurrection.
Obviously, I know he's guilty.
I'm just saying, not legally.
Yeah, if he did it, even that guy that looks like Adam 22 that's prosecuted in New York, that guy didn't bring up he knew he couldn't bring that guy.
That's right.
Yeah, why?
Why is none of the he's been indicted four times, 92 felony counts?
Not one of those felony counts are an insurrection.
Isn't that weird?
He overvalued his house in Florida.
Oh, I hope they get well.
I hope they get him on that thing that didn't happen at all.
And then what's the other one?
He asked his lawyer to look into that.
Yeah.
So, yeah, they are trying to say, is that part of Georgia?
So, and in Georgia, so they're using the RICO statute in Georgia.
Is it to say he committed an insurrection?
Is that what that is?
No.
No.
He tried to overturn the election.
He tried to overturn the election.
Illegally.
That's what that's what that is.
Which he didn't.
You can ask your lawyer.
Which he didn't.
So Letitia James announced the judge thinks he's guilty already.
That's right.
Now they're deliberating.
That's wow.
That's amazing.
That's great lawyering.
Okay, so there's again, there's Rachel Maddow.
She is, it was like, it's like she works for Pravda.
It's like she works for the oligarchs and she's there.
Why do you think they had to get her on the phone?
Hey, get because she gets $35 million a year, $100,000 a day to lie to you.
I'm going to establish.
I can't stay long.
Yeah.
She probably had to take a break from going on stage at a Raytheon convention, which is where she goes to arms manufacturers' conventions and keeps speaking.
We need more women in missiles.
Hey, this is Jimmy.
Who's this?
Jimmy.
This is actor, director, producer, husband, father, and consequences evader, Alec Baldwin.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
Ah, friend of the show, Alec Baldwin.
Glad to hear for you.
How you been?
Well, I suppose you could say I've been better, but things overall are improving with some bumps in the road, certainly.
As I'm sure you can understand, I have been attempting to keep a low profile lately.
Of course, naturally.
But unfortunately, that is difficult for me to do, considering I am extremely famous and reside in Manhattan.
It's quite a conundrum.
I can only imagine, yeah.
Case in point.
Just the other day, I was taking a leisurely stroll to an acting class that I had volunteered to teach.
That's right, Jimmy.
Volunteered.
All of a sudden, I found myself smack dab in the middle of a pro-Palestinian rally.
Perhaps you saw the video.
Wow, you don't say.
I assiduously do say.
Once my fabled presence was noticed by this mob, and they assumed I was there to engage with him rather than voluntarily teach an acting class during which I planned on presenting my famous formula ABA.
Always be acting.
I see.
Very good advice.
It never fails.
Anyway, they immediately set upon me and began to engage.
I had no plans on mixing with a protest of any stripe, but my virulent pro-Israel stance and my Irish temper conspired to land me in a kerfuffle with one of these masked scallywags.
Oh, no.
Once I had been spot, once I had been spotted, one of them yelled, Hey, you work for Hollywood.
And I was like, Not anymore, I fucking don't.
Already off the bat, he was working off a false premise.
Right, right.
And then they hurled the usual tired tropes at me about Hollywood and Zionism, which are rooted in absolutely nothing, not even a shred of reality.
The fevered rantings of baseless hate.
I realized I had an opportunity.
Rather than shying away, I could be caught on camera confronting these street specters and once again, looked like the good guy.
Ah, I see.
Good strategy.
I certainly thought so.
Who knows?
Maybe if enough of these videos go viral, I will work for Hollywood again.
Maybe I can finally afford a private jet so whenever I travel with my family, I don't need to buy 12 fucking plane tickets.
As I recently told Entertainment Tonight in a misguided attempt to seem like a regular Joe, there aren't even 12 seats in first class on most flights.
Oh, no.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
I'm not.
Yeah, real oversight on their part.
As I've always said, whoever invents an airplane that is only first class will be the world's first trillionaire.
Anyway, this is all connected, actually, as most things surrounding extremely interesting people usually are.
How so?
Well, on one hand, we have the benefit of me being caught on camera being the good guy.
On the other, my cartoonishly large family consisting of completely white children with Mexican names.
What if there were a way to catch me on camera being a good guy for hours and hours, specifically being a good husband and father?
What are you getting at?
That's right, Jimmy.
My wife and Hilaria and I are seriously considering signing up for our own reality show.
Oh, that sounds hilarious.
You're kidding me.
Jimmy, our life is a joyous circus.
We want to share it with the world.
And of course, make a shit ton of money.
I'm in a bit of debt right now.
Of course, there would be obstacles and challenges.
Like having an entire camera crew in your home?
Well, that, yes, and my explosive temper.
Mainly the temper.
I'm going to have to go hours without a fearsome explosion of rage, or else that would defeat the purpose of the whole thing.
Seeing an Irish dry drunk cruelly berate his young children certainly would interfere with the good guy optics.
Or Irish wet drunk for that matter.
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Ha ha ha ha!
Ah!
Ah.
I would imagine so.
Or would it?
That would be compelling television.
People do watch this trash for the train wreck aspect.
Yes, the whole show could have an art to it.
I'm seeing it clearly now.
Every week, I like Baldwin, he loses his mind, calls his wife a dumb bitch.
Yells at a child for toy being on the floor, and then realizes he has an anger problem.
Okay.
He comes to terms with it, seeks therapy.
People love therapy.
He works on his anger management problem for the good of his family and comes out the other end a better man.
Jimmy, this is genius.
This wasn't my idea.
Well, of course not.
It's mine.
I was just telling you how genius it was.
It has to be this.
Otherwise, it would be the same reality show Paviliman scatters the landscape.
I don't know how I'm gonna break it to my wife and kids, however.
They were really looking forward to having a break from getting yelled at.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
I would watch the show with the yelling.
That's what he's saying.
He's figured it out.
Yeah, it's dead.
It's too bad.
Kurt knows what good television is.
Yeah.
Anyway, it'll be worth it.
Breaking Baldwin next year on Bravo.
I love it.
Keep an eye open, Jimmy.
I can't wait.
This is going to be so much fun.
I should go, Jimmy.
I have to go practice yelling at my family.
Au revoir.
You put that down.
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Hey, become a premium member.
Go to JimmyDoorComedy.com.
Sign up.
It's the most affordable premium program in the business.
Freak out.
Freak out.
Don't freak out.
All the voices performed today are by the one and only the inimitable Mike McRae.
He can be found at MikeMcRae.com.
That's it for this week.
You be the best you can be, and I'll keep being me.
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