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Aug. 17, 2012 - Jimmy Dore Show
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The Jimmy Dore show starts right now.
Last week, Mitt Romney chose Congressman Paul Ryan to be his vice presidential running maid.
Because obviously, Romney was desperate to stop talking about his tax returns.
The choice of Ryan did come as a surprise, as people expected Romney's choice to be somebody dull rather than somebody extremely dangerous.
Many commentators have claimed Ryan brings much-needed excitement.
People also get excited by earthquakes, forest fires, and multiple car pileups, but do we really need them?
With his instinctive feel for terrible decisions, Romney has now decided to make a stand against Latinos, gays, women, and the elderly.
Many insiders had thought he needed at least some of those people's votes, but obviously Romney hopes Ryan's good looks and right-wing extremism will bring millions more horny white bigots to the polls than Palenti could have ever attracted.
Meanwhile, if all goes according to plan, millions of Obama voters will be turned away because they have no picture ID.
Some pundits say the vice presidential candidate doesn't even matter that much.
What counts is how many millions are spent convincing voters that it's Obama who's out to destroy Medicare and that only Romney can save it.
What's really strange is the argument that maybe we don't need Medicare anymore, which is like saying maybe we've been a little too rough on cancer.
Among Republicans, Ryan is considered an intellectual, but how hard can that be?
He speaks with smooth confidence, but so does the man trying to talk you into giving him your life savings in exchange for a suitcase full of cut-up newspapers.
The ability to lie convincingly is one of the most important traits of a successful sociopath.
I'm not saying Paul Ryan is a sociopath, but it would explain everything he said in public up till now.
The media should ignore him and just keep bugging Romney about releasing his tax returns because he really seems to hate that.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for...
...the kind of people that are...
Phil Benz may be on tearing down our nation.
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper save.
It's hard to talk to you too, and now here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
It's Jimmy Dore.
And hi, everybody.
Welcome to this week's episode.
I am joined in studio across the glass for me from Mystery Science Theater 3000 in Cinematic Titanic.
Now on Hulu, it's Frank Kahn of TV's Frank.
How are you, Frank?
Hey, Jimmy, how you doing?
I'm good.
Good to see you.
How's the heat getting to you this summer?
Oh, you know, it's not just the heat, it's the humility that I feel living in this town.
That's Frank Cottiff.
Next to him, former writer for The Daily Show, hilarious comedian.
It's Steve Rosenfield.
Hey, Steve.
Hey, Jimmy, how you doing?
I'm good.
How you feeling?
What Frank said.
Okay, I got you.
Across the table from him, hilarious comedian, one of my all-time faves.
You've seen her on Mad Men recently.
She was chosen the female stand-up comedian of the year at the Comedy Awards.
It's the lovely Kathy Ladman, ladies and gentlemen.
Hi, Jimmy.
How are you?
I'm good.
It's good to see you as always.
How was your drive from Santa Monica?
Stressful, but I really appreciate that you tell me to drive safely and take my time.
There's no good way to get from here.
The helicopter is really the only good way to get from here to Santa Monica at this time of day.
The best way to get from here to there is a text.
Thank you.
Next to him, hilarious.
Next to him.
Next to her, I'm sorry.
Oh, boy.
What did I say?
I said that later.
We're going to fix that and post, Kathy.
No, don't do it.
I prefer that.
Next to her, it's a hilarious comedian and actor-writer Rick Overton is with us.
Hi, Rick.
Hey, Jimmy.
Rick Overton from one of my all-time favorite movies, The Groundhog Day, huh?
Hilarious acting role in that.
You can watch it over and over.
And of course, Jordan, to my right, the host of Comedy and Everything Else, our resident Latina, Steph Zemarano, is with us.
Hi, Steph.
Ola, Jaime.
Hi.
Okay, let's do some jokes before we get to the jokes.
You know, Ronne and Ryan, they have a new Medicare talking point, and it's if you're 55 years or older and don't give a shit about anyone 54 or younger, you'll be fine.
Hey, we got to say we said goodbye to Helen Gurley Brown this week, pioneer.
She wrote Sex in the Single Girl in 1962, and that shocked uptight conservatives of the day.
Thank God times have changed, huh?
Oh, really?
I know, tremendously.
Yeah, it's gotten worse.
They're upper and tighter.
And speaking of books that could change your life, apparently Atlas Shrugged has changed a lot of people into assholes.
That's right.
Speaking of that, we're going to be talking about the new vice presidential pick of Mitt Romney.
It's Paul Ryan.
He's on board for the first half hour.
We're going to have a phone.
In the second half hour, we might talk about Mike Cuckabee, but we're probably going to talk about Ann Romney and her beautiful demeanor.
I don't know if you saw her.
Oh, she's got a great demeanor.
She makes you feel like she's a bitchy royalty.
That's what I like.
By the stroller, by the stroller with the kid talking to her.
No, sir, fair.
She knows I saw her write it in an interview.
I didn't see that one.
Another dismissive beauty of that.
Oh, what'd you do?
Oh, okay.
Well, I'm sorry.
No, we'll get to that.
Plus, we'll talk about Mitt Romney's blind trust.
Plus, Mitt Romney's going to call in later, and we also have a phone call from the Speaker of the House, John Boehner, calls in.
That's coming up today.
How do we get these people?
No, it's what we in the business call a get.
Yes.
Wow.
Coming up today on The Jimmy Dore Show.
We'll be right back.
Time for another installment of Oh My God.
On this week's episode of Oh My God, first off, we have Brian Fisher because he's upset about the Obamacare.
He doesn't like it when people get health care, just like Jesus, and he has this to say.
We talk frequently on this program about how people who have an active, vibrant spiritual life are healthier.
They live longer, they are healthier, and they are happier.
So their physical health is better.
What we ought to do is we ought to have an individual mandate from the government that everybody has to go to church.
Because after all, Obamacare is all about improving the health of the American people.
We know that going to church is good for you.
It's good for your health.
So we are going to mandate that you go to church for your own health, and we are going to tax the atheists who don't go to church.
Now, we can't make you go to church, but we are going to penalize you if you don't.
We're going to assess a tax on every atheist that doesn't go to church because those atheists are endangering their physical health.
That is actually a brilliant.
He's doing a skid, isn't he?
This is like a matter of time.
I mean, he can't be serious, right?
Well, no, what they're doing, this is one of those false equivalency.
well, let me give you a perfect example of what this is from our perspective when it's anything but a perfect perspective.
It's a fake analogy that leaves volumes of data out of it.
Of course.
To hold up their fake position about it, and they're playing on pure emotional.
Oh, finally, my version, I get to play back.
I can't wait to hit something back because you hit me so hard in the other direction.
Well, I just think when he says, you know, it's been proven that people who live a spiritual life and go to church are healthier.
I'm like, well, you know, I don't know if you would call talk to some of the altar boys I went to school with.
I don't know if having to pay for your own rape kit is part of it.
I remember Jerry Falwell had some really hard abs from that.
Under all really good shape.
And when he died of a heart attack at his desk.
I mean, I think that was really the icing on the camera.
I mean, Pat Robertson, another fine specimen of a man.
Pat Robertson gives advice on how to deal with people's problems every day on his show.
People write in emails.
So let's see what he has to say today about adopting kids.
He's losing it.
Yeah.
Susan says, I'm the mother of three adopted girls.
I find the men I date are okay when I tell them I have three daughters.
But when they find out that they're adopted and from three different countries and not my own biological children, they don't want to date anymore.
Whether I tell them up front or after a couple dates, all the men are reacting the same way.
They say they could be okay if the girls were, you know, biological children and came with child support.
Why are these men reacting this way?
Can I answer?
Because they're, I was going to say dogs.
Don't you insult myself.
I'm not going to say dogs, but they are, that's just wrong on every level.
That's not wrong.
It's wrong.
I mean, Amanda didn't want to take on the United Nations.
Oh, my God.
Wow.
Holy crap.
Oh, God.
So once again, the woman who's reading the questions to Pat Robertson thinks that her response is also going to be his response, and she is woefully wrong.
By the way, this whole letter is the plot of South Pacific.
I don't know if you have that again.
So let's go on and see.
Let's listen to what else he has to say.
Various children, blended family.
I mean, what is it?
And you don't know what problems are.
I'm serious.
I've got a dear friend, adopted some little kid from an orphanage down in Columbia.
Child had brain damage.
You know, grew up weird.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
He grew up foreign.
He grew up.
He grew up foreign.
Foreign.
Usually they outgrow that.
Pat Robertson, that does not disappoint, right?
So he's got some more to say here, fellas.
Oh, ladies.
What's done to a child before you get that child?
What kind of sexual abuse has been?
What kind of cruelty?
What kind of food deprivation?
Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
So you're not a dog because you don't want to take on that responsibility.
You don't have to take on somebody else's problems.
I mean, you really want Christianity.
Yeah, what a Christian sentiment.
That's what all orphans are.
They're other people's problems.
And Jesus said, don't take on other people's problems, especially in the form of orphans.
All right, Christians, have you realized what form did you think the devil would take when he showed up?
Did you think he would come in the red sateen cape with the little rubber band horns on the head?
It's like Albert Brooks in broadcast news, right?
Right, right.
When he's trying to convince Holly Hunter that Billy, that William Hurd is Bill Adam.
He's a devil.
He's a devil.
I know that, you know, just as when I date a woman and I find out that she has this incredibly compassionate side that would make her adopt children, it's a total boner kill.
Well, what I do is I ask if when I was single, I would ask, well, are any of the kids Asian girls?
And then we take it from there.
And do they want to be in the movies?
And then we take it.
Let's see.
Pat Robinson actually has a little bit more to say here.
Does he?
Don't.
You can go help people.
You can minister to people.
We minister to orphans all over the world.
Thousands of them.
We love orphans.
We love orphans.
Just not in the house.
Not in the adoption.
Not in the house.
Keep them outside.
Keep them down in Columbia.
We'll come to you.
We'll come to you.
Don't come to us.
We'll meet you with some food and some Herchie bars.
It's the doctor.
I adopt them and then I give them a set of skills such as diamond digging.
It's the Christian way to have let orphans stay in orphanages and feel unloved and unwanted.
Yeah.
Of course, we have to perpetuate that by going ahead and killing more parents.
So he has a couple seconds left.
Let's see if he can still surprise us.
Yeah, right, man.
But that doesn't necessarily mean that I want to take all the orphans around the world into my home.
And I think, you know, okay, let's get to the next question.
I enjoyed it.
All right, never mind.
I wish I could take you all home with me.
But I'm out of time.
You know, if you could only meet my daughter, who's Chinese, she would kick him in the ball so fast.
That's her personality.
She would absolutely not hesitate.
See, that's why I would never.
That's another reason why not to adopt a foreign kid.
They'll kick you in the balls.
He's a dialogue.
He got me.
He got me.
Proving Pat Robertson's points.
Way to go, Kathy.
That's what happens when you get too many Jews in the same room.
All right, here we go.
Wait, oh, there's just two of them.
Yeah, that's too many, too many.
Anyway.
Remember, in a lot of ways, Jesus was adopted, right?
He wasn't.
Oh, my God.
He was Joseph's adoptive son.
He was.
That's what they tell me in Catholic school when I was a kid.
Yeah, he is.
Oh, man.
Genius.
Wow.
Outstanding.
Wow.
Total weirdo.
This has been, oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to JimmyDoorComedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes, and you can comment on them, too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, JimmyDoorComedy.com.
Okay, so now let's move on to the new.
We had a vice presidential pick this week.
Happened from Mitt Romney.
And, you know, Romney desperately needed to change the subject.
So he picked Paul Ryan, successfully changing the conversation from his tax returns in Bain Capital to destroying the social safety net.
This is all part of Mitt Romney's strategy To lose Florida.
He's a master.
But who is Paul Ryan?
He's a deficit hawk who said he got interested in government politics after reading Ayn Rand.
Really?
Because Paul Ryan voted for two unfunded wars, TARP and tax cuts for the rich.
Turns out, when Atlas was actually asked to reduce the deficit, he shrugged.
You know, Paul Ryan is also endorsed by the log cabin Republicans.
Did you guys know that?
No.
I heard that.
Hypocrisy knows no bounds.
Why not?
Why not just add that to the list?
That's an insane thing.
No logical sense things.
You know, Rich, I see where you think it's illogical, but I can also see logic in it, right?
He's got the deep blue eyes and a strong jaw.
Oh, he does those ab shots of himself.
He does the P690 or whatever that is.
He's all that diet or something.
That PX90 thing.
He's got.
I'm just saying he's the kind of good looking that could not only turn me gay, but turn me into a log cabin Republican like that.
You know, I'm that kind of a guy.
One moderately good blowjob, and I want to cut taxes on the wealthiest Americans.
You know, I don't know if you knew this, but Danny Thomas was a log coffee table.
I love public radio.
So here is how Paul Ryan spins ending Medicare as we know it, turning it into a voucher program, and shifting the costs to sick elderly people.
Here's how he explains it.
Choice and competition, giving the senior the power to deny business to inefficient providers.
Okay, I don't know if you did.
Could you catch that?
Let's hear it a little more time.
This is what his plan does, he says.
Choice and competition, giving the senior the power to deny business to inefficient providers.
Yes.
Seniors Osama.
Yeah, he says give seniors the power to deny business to inefficient providers.
He's saying another way of wording it is, I don't have enough money to come in this building.
What he's saying is, you know how consumers get to call the shots when dealing with health insurance monopolies.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, I always feel like I'm in the driver's seat.
Always.
You see, I thought that insurance companies were going to be turning down seniors, but no, sick old people are going to be turning the tables in Paul Ryan's world on the health insurance companies and deny them business.
I'd like to see how that would play out.
Hi, Blue Cross.
I'm a senior citizen with diabetes and a host of other problems.
I understand that your overhead is over 20%.
Is that true?
Well, I'm sorry, but that is too efficient for my take.
And I will be taking my business down the street to the other health insurance company that is just clamoring for more 78-year-old senior citizens to cover.
We must simply stop breaking down what they're saying for ill logic.
They know they're lying.
Yes.
There's never a given moment.
They love the spinning dance we do in the backyard every time they give us a statement that we go to break it down and analyze it.
No, put it in the lie basket immediately and move on to what you do about this barking, lying dog on the other side of the fence.
It's just do something about this dog.
And just stop.
We can't worry about the separate things it says.
Every now and then it warns us.
Collect the warnings and disregard every other whistling sound out of their skulls.
Again, I come back to the point that the media pretends that they're equally bad.
That's all.
But we must be the resisting force to it.
We are the least well-paid, and so because we're not funded, we are the most honest.
Almost instantaneously, the ratio locks into place.
Our reputations are that we kind of like, in our community, we kind of like that we nail true things.
That's what comics give props to other guys.
Oh, man, you caught that thing.
And it develops the muscle to look for, find, and manufacture those products.
And we spot these things ahead of other people.
Sorry, too bad.
It's the way it works.
We're problem finders.
And we found the problems in this setup.
Well, Republicans, the huge mistake is anthropomorphizing these people for any reason.
That is the classic era, giving them our traits.
They don't have them.
But what about all these people?
They go to three.
That's it.
What?
But there's all these people who believe them.
Like attracts like.
There's lots of people that are like that.
It's a party for people like that.
It's a party for people that think these are good ideas.
And that's the giant wiring glitch of all time.
We see that I don't, my entire thought process is 180 degrees different than yours.
You show me a thing, I draw 180 conclusions from the conclusions.
You go looking exact same picture I looked at.
Rick, I think that the difference is actually, you touched on it, is the wiring in the people's brains.
I think that your brain is wired for complicated thought and to progress.
Your brain is evolving.
You have an evolved brain.
Whereas conservative brains are still on dial-up.
Yeah.
Where they're more hooked into the reptilian brain.
They're fear.
They're more susceptible to fear-mongering.
We're all susceptible to it, but they seem to have a button that's on the front of their head.
They're much more susceptible to fear-mongering, and they like the world to be the way they want it to be.
Not because they don't want to see it how it actually is.
They want to see the world how they want it to be.
And even though, like, we, like people like me and Rick and everyone here, we like policies because they work, right?
We think that policies, government policies or whatever they are, political policies, we think they're right because they work, right?
They think they work because they're right.
Yeah, it's a completely 180 wiring difference.
Right.
In their head, they're driving home going, those assholes, I'm right and they're wrong.
I have a list of reasons why.
And their brain manufactures.
And no, I vetted these answers.
I put them through this processing machine just like you guys have.
It's just, it's a different process.
A Mac and a PC, and they produce two separate cluster font products.
Well, I think there's a real scary thing happening also with the Republicans is the people that are running for office again, they also are having their moms on their commercials lie about health.
And their moms are like, my son would never take away your Maddie.
Yeah.
And that's horrible.
I've heard that amusing mother to lie to other senior citizens.
Just got to counter-strike immediately and do we got to do a parody of that mom.
Paul Ryan is going to have Irene Ryan in a commercial.
Jethro.
Jethro.
Okay, so we got to look.
Let me play the rest of them.
Both name Ryan.
See, it's funny.
Here's the rest of the clip, Paul Ryan talking about what he's going to do to Medicare.
The alternative to this, David, is a rationing scheme or the 15 bureaucrats the president's going to appoint next year on his panel to ration Medicare spending.
We don't think we should give the government the power to ration spending to seniors.
We want to give future seniors the ability to make choices.
Yeah, you know, the choice to get turned down by any of the health insurance monopolies all across the country.
And what he's talking about there is the death panel.
That's what I was going to say, too.
That's exactly what he's saying.
That's what a death penalty.
On the bright side, Frank, seniors will finally have the bargaining power they need.
If they don't like their health provider, they can always get sick and die.
Like Alan Grayson said, right?
Yes.
It's a win-win, Rick.
Seniors will get to shop around for just the right plan, and insurance companies can double their rates every hour and a half.
And the only snag I can see in this is that the insurance companies Will refuse to sell insurance to old people.
Other than that, I don't see it.
It's a perfect plan.
Other than that, I won't sell the plans to them.
Other than that, spot on, this guy.
Perfect, otherwise.
As far as they're concerned, the slogan for seniors should be: I don't want to be a burden.
This is much better than Paul Ryan's original plan.
His original plan was he wanted to put all the old people on an ice float.
Seems reasonable.
See, they voted that one down.
Yeah, there is no ice float.
Global warming has ultimated the ISIS.
But you know, Paul Ryan has had some real trouble with his budget.
He fancies himself a Catholic, and it seems the cuts to social programs are so draconian that even the Catholics noticed.
A group of nuns organized a bus tour earlier this year to protest his budget as immoral and un-Catholic.
Nuns did that.
Yes, nuns are saying something.
Do you know how un-Catholic something has to be in order to organize a nun speaking tour?
Nuns make public policy statements never, and nuns have volunteered to shut up and let men do the talking as a lifestyle choice.
Well, here's one of the nuns, actually, what she had to say earlier this year.
We're really excited about is that our Catholic bishops share our perspective that it is an immoral document and it's not a correct budget.
It's not in keeping with our faith.
So we are delighted to stand with our bishops and oppose the Ryan budget.
So the bishops are on the side of the nuns too.
And all I have to say is when you lose the moral high ground to child molesters, that might be a bad VP pitch.
That's all I'm saying.
Here he is trying to, he tries to defend his budgeting using some mumbo jumbo and the word Catholic a lot.
Here's what he has to say.
One of the primary tenets of Catholic social teaching means don't keep people poor.
Don't make people dependent on government so that they stay stuck in their station in life.
Really?
Really, Paul?
You know, when Jesus said teach a man to fish, he wasn't talking about teaching a 75-year-old man to fish.
I know no group that has greater get-up and go than seniors.
You know, I mean, they're such self-starters.
Oh, they're always picking up new skills.
Yeah, oh, always.
Paul Ryan.
So here he has a little bit more to say.
He gave a speech earlier this year because he had to defend this.
He went to Notre Dame, and here's what he had to say.
I suppose that there are some Catholics who, for a long time, thought they had a monopoly of sorts.
Not exactly on heaven, but on the social teaching of our church.
Yeah, they're called bishops and the pope.
They do have a monopoly on that.
That's how it works.
It's not a democracy.
That's not a democracy.
That's right.
This is called the word of God, and you listen.
You don't get to negotiate, Job.
Okay?
Of course, there can be differences among faithful Catholics on this.
Oh, really?
I think there's room in the Catholic Church for a Catholic who's sick of the poor getting a free ride.
Don't you think there's room?
Sure.
Hey, I'm a good Catholic, but Jesus didn't know about the deficit.
If you'd only know.
I went to a confession and I got a voucher for a rosary bead.
I had a chance to sit down with the governor running for the Republican nominee, and here we are.
Joining us now live on the phone is Mitt Romney.
Tell me, Governor, how are you feeling after picking Paul Ryan as your VP?
Oh, great.
Just great.
That interview we did with Bob Schieffer on 60 Minutes was so relaxing.
He didn't really ask you guys any tough questions, did he?
Well, luckily for us, Bob Schieffer is an elderly person who happens to be wealthy.
So he doesn't care that Paul Ryan and I are going to gut Medicare and eat Social Security with fava beans and a nice Chianti.
I'll actually have a grape juice.
That's right.
You're Mormon.
Right.
So 60 Minutes was a walk in the park for you guys, huh?
Well, I don't want to say the Bob Schieffer interview was like a vacation.
But every time he lobbed a question, I got bonus points on my Capital One card.
What's in your wallet, Jimmy?
Well, if you're poor or middle class and under the Romney Ryan administration, probably nothing will be in my wallet.
You got that right.
You know, I have to admit, Governor, I wasn't expecting you to pick Paul Ryan.
Yeah, for once I didn't play it safe.
I stood up for myself and made a decision based solely on what the Tea Party wants.
Is the Tea Party happy with your pick?
Oh, come on, Jimmy.
That's like asking Marcus Bachman if he's glad there's a new season of blee.
He's gay.
But are you sure it was a wise choice on your part?
Jimmy, I am steadfast and sure when it comes to Paul Ryan.
As everybody knows, once I make a decision about something, I never change my mind.
Really?
What about abortion, health care, gun control?
Paint me as a flip-flopper.
I had no doubt that.
Oh, my God.
I could still change my mind, right?
The convention isn't for another week.
I could dump any monster and make a less polarizing choice like Trump or Mel Gibson, right?
Governor, calm down, buddy.
Don't panic.
Be a man for once.
You're right.
You're right.
I need to be true to myself and sick with the decision the Koch brothers told me to make.
The Koch brothers ordered you to pick Paul Ryan?
No, it's not like that.
They just very nicely told me that if I picked Paul Ryan, they'd buy the election for me.
Really?
Oh, I'm sorry, I misspoke.
They didn't say they'd buy the election for me.
They said they'd steal it for me.
Steal it.
I thought so.
Jimmy, I don't mean to be suspicious, but your attitude sounds a lot like potential voter fraud to me.
So the Republican Party is going to try and suppress my vote?
Of course not.
After all, you're white.
And don't worry about the voting machines this year.
They're going to be maintained by the Acme Corporation, who you might remember were Wiley Coyote's favorite weapons manufacturers.
Governor, what you just described is from a cartoon.
So is the entire Republican platform.
Good point.
Well, Governor, thanks for joining us.
I really appreciate it.
Oh, no problem, Jimmy.
And one more thing.
What's that?
Fuck you and KPFK and the bag of dicks you all wrote in on.
Okay, Governor.
Thank you.
See you next time.
When was actual Romney ever that funny?
He'd be in the frontrunner if he were really like that.
If he said that, what he just said.
Yes.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
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And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, JimmyDoorComedy.com.
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Enjoy the Laffy Laffys.
Music.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Welcome back to the Jimmy Doer show.
I am joined in studio from Mystery Science Theater 3000 in Cinematic Titanic.
It's Frank Connoff.
Next to him, former writer for the Daily Show Steve Rosenfield, and it's female comedian of the year, hilarious Kathy Ladman, who you've just seen on Mad Men.
Right?
You're on Mad Men this.
Was it this season?
No, it wasn't.
It was like everything in 1942.
It was the last season.
Oh, you're on last season?
Oh, that long ago?
That long ago?
You should be embarrassed.
Well, not that it was long as a season.
I am.
But it was one of the few Mad Men episodes that was actually filmed in the 60s.
It was a futuristic Mad Men.
Joining me in the studio, also from the host of Comedy and Everything Else, our resident Latina, Steph Samurano, is with us.
And we're going to be talking about what's left of the Paul Ryan clips and about his budget and his Ayn Rand philosophy.
And if we get to it, John Boehner, we're going to get to Mike Huckabee, maybe, and Ann Romney.
So we'll see what happens.
But we're going to have a phone call from John Boehner calling in in just a little bit.
But right now, let's get back to Paul Ryan.
We're talking about the new pick for Mitt Romney, and he's talking a lot about his philosophy in Ayn Rand.
He's running away from it now, but here is what he had to say earlier.
This is what he said in 2005 about Ayn Rand.
I just want to speak to you a little bit about Ayn Rand and what she meant to me in my life and the fight we're engaged here in Congress.
I grew up on Ayn Rand.
That's what I tell people.
Everybody does their soul searching and trying to find out who they are and what they believe.
And you learn about yourself.
I grew up reading Ayn Rand, and it taught me quite a bit about who I am and what my value systems are and what my beliefs are.
So I just want to stop and just say he found out what his value systems are, his values were, his belief systems.
He found that out by reading Ayn Rand, who let's remember, was an ardent atheist, a Russian atheist.
Okay, so that's who is setting his moral foundation.
That's where he's getting it from.
A Russian atheist.
Okay.
It inspired me so much that it's required waiting in my office for all my interns and my staff.
We start with Atlas Shrugged.
People tell me I need to start with Fountainhead, then go to Atlas Shrugged.
There's a big debate about that.
We go to Fountainhead, but then we move on, and we require as well.
But the reason I got involved in public service, by and large, if I had to credit one thinker, one person, it would be Ayn Rand.
And the fight we are in here, make no mistake about it, is a fight of individualism versus collectivism.
Wow.
Yeah, walk that one back, Paul.
Jesus, if he hadn't discovered Ayn Rand, Paul might have grown up thinking that it's a bad thing to be a greedy prick.
That was a close one.
It really was.
Phew.
And it is required reading for everybody on his staff, so nobody gets the idea that he gives two shits about other people.
Right, and in the context of that, his budget makes perfect sense.
It is a total Ayn Rand budget of like, forget the people who can take care of themselves.
Screw Medicare.
She actually said, she actually has a quote where she said, No one has ever given me a good reason why you're supposed to be your brother's keeper.
Yeah, that's a direct quote from her.
Directly against Jesus.
I just want to go have a drink with her.
I mean, I just want to be with her more.
There's an interview with her that you can find on YouTube that Mike Wallace did in the 50s.
And your draw will drop.
Oh, I have to see this.
Can I just ask a question?
And you know, I've never read an Ayn Rand book, but I know of The Fountainhead.
I've seen the movie.
I saw the movie The Fountainhead, and I read the book review of Atlas Shrugged.
I don't read books.
Okay, but these are two books.
Okay?
These are two books that he has based his entire value system on.
Two books.
He's an avid reader, and he read two books.
For a Republican, that is avid.
For a Republican, that's called a library.
Jeez.
That's being poindexter.
I don't have video of this, but at the end of that speech in 2005, he ended it by saying, look, what I'm trying to say is we've all got to not get together and not help each other.
In fact, I hate all you people, all your guts, just for sitting together in a group and listening.
Is it the fact that he's on a campaign ticket now?
Isn't that collectivism?
No kidding.
The party is a group of people.
Yeah, and he's depending on someone else, Mitt Romney, to take him up further up the ladder.
He really needs to be as a monarch.
I think that he should be a king.
Yes.
Or dictator, probably.
Or dictator.
Certainly not a part of a democracy.
How about just a king dick?
Yeah, well, I think he is that.
So here he is in 2009 talking about the financial crisis that America was in at that time, the whole world economy, actually.
Here's what he had to say about it then.
If Ayn Rand were here today, I think she would do a great job in showing us just how wrong what government is doing is.
Not the quantitative analysis, not the new numbers, but the morality of what is wrong with what government is doing today.
So there he goes.
Again, morality, you base your morality on a Russian atheist who thinks the family unit is not necessary.
And who everything is based on selfishness.
Yes, greetings, fellow social past.
In this Mike Wallace interview, she says it unabashedly.
But Frank, go ahead, Kathy.
No, I was just going to say, so basically, that's completely opposite what so many of these people in the Republican Party talk about is quote-unquote family values or whatever the hell that means.
Religious values, too.
Yeah, and so he's now basically for each person for him.
Every man for himself.
Right, right.
They're all a bunch of Colombian orphans.
I mean, he's trying to.
Uh-oh, we're screwed.
He's trying to walk back from all this, and he's talking about Ayn Rand here like a deadhead talking about Jerry Garcia.
Yes.
I mean, he's obviously a fanatical fan of he's not just making casual comments about her here.
He's obviously a fanatical.
Everybody in his office has to reach out to him.
I think he probably has his wife put on one of those Ayn Rand wigs at night.
And speaking the German accent.
Come on.
Put on that straight wig with the bag.
Come on, take a look at the bag.
She gave him a fountainhead.
Yes.
Come on, come on, baby.
Put in that little nighty and then take Social Security behind my back.
Did she take Social Security and Medicare at the end of her life?
I'm pretty sure.
Oh, absolutely, she did.
She did, yes.
Yes, yes.
She did it as a goof.
Let me just say, her and Ron Paul.
Yeah, is there any individual who never didn't take Social Security or Medicare?
I don't think so.
No, everybody takes it.
Right.
So it's good to hear Paul Ryan talk about where his morality comes from, how Ayn Rand could fix everything now.
It's reassuring to know that the guy running to be vice president has the political maturity of a wealthy college jock during rush week.
The guy's deep.
He's deep.
The guy worships Ayn Rand, but he signed TARP, even though it literally went against everything he believes.
Everything he believes.
TARP went against it.
And it goes against how he thinks that a society should function best without any sort of interventionism and capitalism.
So what actually happened was he believed he was creating a bigger problem when he voted for TARP, according to his own philosophy.
But he did.
He voted for it anyway because he knew it would help him with other Republicans in Congress.
So that makes him a dick.
Yes.
And if right now we started to try to and spent the rest of our lives trying to add to the deficit, we will never do as much as he is to add to our debt and to balloon the budget.
The two unfunded wars and the books tack cuts were the biggest things.
So now he's the vice presidential candidate.
So now all these right-wing crazy Christians, they have to have him in lockstep.
You can't worship.
That's against Christianity.
You can't do that.
We're not about that.
Even though we live that, we live the values of Ayn Rand, not the values of the Bible and Jesus Christ.
Well, some of them wanted to change the name of the Bible to Jesus shrugged.
So here's what he had to say.
They sat him down after he got the vice presidential nod, and here's what he had to say.
I later in life learned about what her philosophy was.
It's called objectivism.
It's something I completely disagree with.
No, later.
I completely disagree with.
It was just a useful indiscretion, you know, like when he was 40.
Later in life, last Tuesday, I realized after forced away 30 years.
So when was that last post?
That's just now when he got picked to be vice president.
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I want to hear it again.
I'd love to hear it again.
I later in life learned about what her philosophy was.
It's called objectivism.
It's a company.
I completely disagree with that.
I learned what her philosophy was.
What the hell did we learning about before?
Really?
Her knitting croquet work?
Okay, if you want to work in my office and help me pass legislation, please read this book that I completely disagree with.
This is what not to believe.
I told him, don't believe this, but everyone has to read it.
He said, required reading in his office.
This is something you're required to read this thing.
I completely disagree with the philosophy of it.
As he got a little older, he realized what her philosophy was.
What else were you talking about the whole time?
He liked her font.
It's just like.
Nice work, Steph.
That's Steph Zamarano for dominating everything else.
That's right.
The fountain head.
Well, it's like he's like, he said, yeah, he completely rejected her philosophy and adopted the philosophy of lying about rejecting her philosophy.
Well, the thing is, is I think he only read the classic comics illustrated version of the fountain head.
That didn't have all of the objectives.
Well, now, ever since he's been picked for Bri Prix, he's told everyone on his staff to quit reading the fountain head, don't see the film, and avoid all movies starring Gary Cooper.
It's going to be okay.
It's going to be okay.
Okay, so here's a little bit more from Paul Ryan on the stump.
He's on the campaign trail.
Here he is, giving the stump.
We need somebody who has a bedrock of principles, a moral compass, a vision for the country, and the experience, the expertise to put that vision into place.
And since we don't have anybody like that, we're going to settle for these two rich shitheads.
Plan B. Yeah.
I mean, if we can't get that, we're going to go with some glib and attractive who flatters our bonehead sensibilities.
Also, you know, Paul Ryan has been portrayed by some people in the media as the more down-to-earth blue-collar person on the ticket.
And it's true that Romney has $250 million.
Paul Ryan has a net worth of about $4 or $5 million.
So he's really hurting.
Oh, God, yeah.
I saw him at the 99 cents store the other day.
He bought the store.
Because he only has $5 million, he's in the 99%.
That's why he was there.
Let me get, there's some stuff here, Bob.
So you know how Paul Ryan made his money?
Do you know where his money comes from?
Construction.
Paul Ryan's family made its family fortune in construction, building highways for the government.
Exactly.
Exactly the kind of big government public works program that Paul Ryan now opposes.
More recently, Ryan Incorporated has been a defense contractor, raking in millions of public money for themselves.
Keep that in mind when you see the hypocritical fraud talk about individualism and the need to shrink government.
And he voted against the Lily Ledbetter Act, which makes him an irredeemable scumbag.
Paul Ryan, when he says somebody with a moral compass, he means no gay marriage.
And if you get raped by your brother, you name the kid after him.
So here's what John Boehner had to say.
Here's his assessment.
He was asked to weigh in on Paul Ryan's conservative credentials.
I think that he's a practical conservative.
He's got a very conservative voting record, but he's not a knuckle dragger.
He understood the tarp.
Wow, none of us wanted to do it.
If we were going to save our economy and save the world economy, it had to happen.
I wish we didn't have to do it either, but he understood that.
First of all, he just called the Tea Party members knuckle draggers.
Did I say knuckle dragger?
I meant patriotic American who just happens to drag his knuckles.
That's what I'm talking about.
I would think that it would be the most uncomfortable position in the world to be a teabagging knuckle dragger.
Sounds like some kind of picnic party, King.
John Boehner actually actually got him on the phone.
Oh, how do you use it?
Our special guest today is Speaker of the House, John Boehner's with us.
Speaker Boehner, how are you, buddy?
I'm fine, Jimmy.
I'm really excited about Paul Ryan becoming bit-robbed as running mate.
Because of his hardcore conservative credentials, is that why?
No, because it really burns Eric Cantor's ass.
It does my heart good to watch that miserable backstabbing weasel seething with jealousy.
Eric Cantor is still after your job, huh?
Oh, yeah.
The other day, he stole my speaker's gavel and defiled it.
But if that's the case, why did he feel the need to stick it through Reince Priebus's executive washroom glory hole?
So here we go.
I said, Reince Prebus.
Nice.
Very nice.
You got a handle on that.
Hey, listen, Eric Cantor is a pretty prominent tea party.
Are you becoming disillusioned with the Tea Party?
Oh, no, no, no.
Not at all.
They do fine work.
They really helped our country by being knuckle draggers and preventing any legislation from ever happening under any circumstance at all.
Well, that sounds pretty obstructionist to me.
No, Jimmy, it's the Democrat Party.
They're doing everything they can to obstruct us from blocking legislation.
So you're okay with the Tea Party then?
Of course.
There's nothing an experienced legislator loves more than being undermined by a bunch of arrogant freshman douchebags.
Sounds like they're pretty disrespectful, huh?
Well, they have no sense of history.
They think they're so cool just because they're racist and hate women.
Back in my day, you really had to put some effort into being intolerant.
I had to walk through 50 miles in the freezing snow just to discriminate against a Negro.
But if Romney and Ryan get elected, you're going to continue to work with the Tea Party caucus, right?
That's my question.
It's my patriotic duty, Jimmy.
If the Republican Party is willing to go through all the trouble of stealing this watch and the least I can do is help in any way I can.
Excuse me, Mr. Speaker.
Did you just say steal the election?
Oh, did I say that?
Sorry, I misspoke.
What I meant to say is that we're going to rape the electorate, kidnap their dreams, and bury them alive in shallow graves along the Keystone pipeline.
I shouldn't have said steal.
That is pretty hard.
Well, Speaker Boehner, thanks for joining me today.
I'm going to say that I'm a little surprised that you didn't cry.
Well, I know I used to do that a lot, but luckily, after being around the Tea Party these last few years, I've completely lost the ability to feel anything.
Congratulations on that.
Blow me!
I'm going to be a little bit of a joke.
The Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free on iTunes.
Or for other ways to subscribe, go to JimmyDoorComedy.com.
And while you're there, you can listen to past episodes and you can comment on them too.
Remember, Jimmy spells his last name, D-O-R-E, JimmyDoorComedy.com.
Okay, welcome back to the Jimmy Door Show.
I'm joined in studio by the host of Commune Everything Else and our resident Latina, Steph Zamarano.
Also from Mystery Science Theater 3000, it's Frank Conniff, former writer for The Daily Show at Steve Rosenfield, hilarious comedian and actress who's been seen on Mad Men recently.
Not this season, last season.
Actually, no, I just did.
I just taped something else between breaks.
I have a newer credit record.
Oh, what is it?
I don't know.
It's something very major, Greta.
I can't tell you what it is, but it's something very major.
Breaking bad.
I was just on breaking.
Oh, really?
Okay.
No, I wasn't.
But I'd love to.
Okay.
I was impressed, though.
When I thought you were.
So let's switch to Ann Romney.
I played the third sanctimonious asshole on the newsroom.
From the left.
Wow.
Okay.
So let's talk.
Ann Romney's been putting Ann Romney out there, and they've been putting her out there to answer questions about his tax records, which is a mistake.
It's a mistake, right?
Because here's how it goes.
Here's how it goes.
She sat down with a reporter, I don't know, from CNN or wherever it was from, but might have even been ABC.
Who knows?
They're all the same.
And here's the question that was asked.
I know it's not a question that is welcomed, but must be asked because a lot of people still are asking, why not be transparent and release more than the 2010 and the estimates for $2,000?
Because we have a lot of stuff to hide.
I'm going to guess that's the answer.
That would be the answer.
We're trying to hide stuff.
But here's what she says.
Seeing how we're attacked.
Have you seen what's happened?
Have you seen how we're attacked?
Have you seen this already?
We're criticized.
And she has a sneer on her face when she says, have you seen that people are attacked?
Do you know that her horse even told her to show these tax returns?
No kidding.
Don't show the tax returns of Will.
So here she's got more to say.
It's been in the press quite a bit.
Now, are you angry that it's been in the press?
I mean, should you not?
Is it questioned about your finances?
We have been very transparent to what's legally required.
But the more we release, the more we get attacked.
The more we get questioned, the more we get pushed.
And so we have done what's legally required, and there's going to be no more.
There's going to be no more tax releases.
Just like that, she said, there's going to be no more tax releases until you've eaten all your taxes.
Yes, that's exactly what it sounded.
It was like, she's very disappointed in this.
And there will be no more tax releases, and you can go right to your bedroom then, man.
That's what it sounded like she was saying.
It's like she's not this likable person.
She's not the good part of Mitt Romney.
She's kind of a snippy little bitch.
She's the perfect partner for him, then, really.
She's not likable.
Yeah, she's not likable.
Oh, we don't have anything to hide.
And to prove it, we're going to keep 99.9% of our financial history a secret.
And they keep showing more.
When do they keep showing more and keep getting asked for more?
They showed one year and one.
And also, they put it out, and I mean, people, you know, made a big deal that he only paid 13%, but that wasn't like a big thing.
It was, you know, in the primary season when he didn't release his tax returns, that caused a big problem.
And then when he released them, you know, it was a news story for a couple of days.
But if they have nothing to hide, it's not going to be a gigantic thing, you know, as much as it is not releasing.
Well, you know what?
I was watching Lawrence O'Donnell last night, and his theory is that there was a lot of people parking money in officer accounts illegally.
And so what they did in the mid-2000s was they gave a tax holiday.
So now you can bring all that money back into the United States and we won't penalize you for da blah blah.
But doing that was a felony to do that.
But they said we're going to waive that felony.
If you bring all, we're going to waive all that stuff.
Whatever the hell they were doing, According to Lawrence O'Donnell on MSNBC, and he's all, you know, he's an inside the beltway, he's a wonk guy, he worked inside government.
So, this is his idea that, so if Mitt Romney, even though it wasn't technically a crime because he got everybody got amnesty, he would have, he, that would end his campaign if he if he revealed that there was a time in the 2000s when he was illegally parking money offshore.
Oh, wow, yeah, and that's because that was that was a crime, even though they wiped it out.
So that's good.
Oh, I was going to say that the one thing that they'll never, the Romneys will never understand because he's always been the big boss is that he's applying to be our employee.
Yes.
You know, so we want to see his resume and we want to see his tax returns.
Yeah, how about a drug?
And all this stuff to see if we want to hire him.
It's a really good job.
To work for us, it's a really good job, and he should.
Yeah, you know, like when he asked Paul Ryan to give him several years of his tax returns, unlike what he's provided to us, which is one year.
And you have to show more to rent an apartment in New York.
It's true.
I'm not, that's not a joke.
You're right.
It's true.
Well, listen, we don't need an apartment in New York.
You know, they're all sad.
You know, you've asked enough questions.
We've given you enough material for you.
Now, now go ahead and vote.
Okay, you know, I just think that what America reads right now is a president who tells the people only what's legally required.
Oh, yeah.
It's about time.
Okay, she's got more to say.
Given.
And there's a reason for that.
And that's because of how what happens as soon as we release anything.
Mitt's financial disclosures when he was governor are huge.
People want to really look and see any question they have.
The other thing they have to understand.
If they really, she does it.
First of all, she's not finishing sentences.
I don't know if you noticed that.
Yeah.
Mitt's returns when he released when he was governor were huge.
If anybody has any questions.
You mean about not now?
I mean, the time when he was governor?
I want to know now.
No, her point is if anyone wants to see the hard drives that they bought and destroyed, they can just.
Yes.
But what is the reason?
I mean, what could possibly be their legitimate reason for not her reason that she just gave was because every time we release something, we get attacked.
Yeah, that's called a campaign.
You get criticized for stuff.
You're going to get attacked.
I'm not going to tell you anything about me because you're just going to criticize it.
It's not only being criticized, it's actually being exposed.
Yeah.
That's the bigger thing there, that they're going to be exposed by their fraudulent activities.
Well, yeah.
And she's lying, and she's a bad, she's a way worse liar than her husband because she can't do it with a smile.
He can only do it with a sneer.
And they've likely been posers their whole lives.
I mean, I think people with that amount of wealth.
I guess the point, not all, but many are.
I just don't understand who is convinced by what Ann Romney says.
Right.
Who is convinced by what Ann Romney?
Here, she has a little bit more to say.
And is that Mitt is honest?
His integrity is just golden.
They're talking about his Honda integrity.
He's got a Honda integrity.
He's got the golden one.
Those were hard to get.
Yeah, you can't.
Oh, you can't.
You had to get that made special.
He had a Honda integrity made out of gold.
Yeah, they only had none of them.
Boy, she is really, she's doing everything she can do to protect her husband's image as a weasel.
And it's working.
And she is real.
I think she's nailing down the paranoid millionaire vote like nobody else.
They're going to sweep it.
I have a feeling that his nickname for her is Lovey.
He did go to Harvard.
So here's what she has to say about all their money, though.
It doesn't matter that we can't see them because, well, here's what she says.
Thing we're hiding.
You know, we've had a blind trust for how many years?
We don't even know what's in there.
It's been managed by Blind Trust since before Mitt was governor.
Oh, so, and but so, but there's somebody who disputes that.
The blind trust is an age-old ruse, if you will, which is to say, you can always tell the blind trust what it can and cannot do.
You give a blind trust rules.
Okay, so that was from 1994.
That was Mitt Romney.
It's amazing that no matter what they say, there's a videotape of them saying the exact opposite, no matter what it is that they say.
There's a videotape of him saying the exact opposite thing, no matter what it is.
Right.
No matter, you picked up abortion, gay rights, blind trusts, blind trusts.
They said two different things about.
What do you like better, chocolate or vanilla?
That's a very vanilla.
We have ten of you saying Joe.
By the way, Blind Trust is my favorite Delta Blues musician.
It's the middle of August, and I'm about to begin another school year.
That's right.
Back to school.
The simple phrase, back to school, makes most people wince in pain and your anus tighten.
Because it's adios, good times in summer.
Normally, school begins right after Labor Day.
Now it begins in August.
You're probably asking, whose idea was it to begin school in the middle of August?
How is a teacher able to compete for kids' attention in August?
Aren't we all supposed to be swimming or going to the beach or hanging out in malls, window shopping, since the economy is so bad and we can't stay inside our own homes because of this unbelievable heat wave?
And yes, we are having record heat waves throughout the United States.
Time to go back to school and sit in overcrowded classrooms without air conditioning.
I have an average of 36 students per class period, which means I will be guiding and shaping approximately 180 students every day, Monday through Friday.
Sounds like an ideal way to instruct students.
The real reason most schools have begun earlier is so high school students can do better on standardized testing as well as advanced placement testing.
Start school super early so everyone can test better because we all know how important tests really are in real life.
Wish me luck.
I'm already late for my midterm marriage test.
I hope I don't fail it this time.
Oh, I have a rant, Jimmy.
Oh, let me hear it, Frank.
I think it's about time that people admitted that Curly Joe Dorita was the worst Stooge and not Joe Besson.
It was pretty bad.
Curly Joe.
No, I love Joe Besser.
Curly Joe.
Oh, I love Joe Bessett, too.
Curly Joe was horrible.
Shemp was the guy you could tell was big in the clubs, but couldn't bring it to the film.
No, not true.
Not true.
Why were we talking about Paul Ryan when we should have been debating this?
Shemp's hair was really gross.
I won't listen to this shemp bashing.
Hey, if you can't support the show monetarily, please help spread the word.
Tell a friend about the Jimmy Dore show.
Or how about leaving a nice review over at iTunes?
It really does help our rankings, which helps get more eyes on the show and helps spread the word about the Jimmy Dore show.
I appreciate everybody's support.
Thanks for using the Amazon.com Link.
It really helps.
And I just want to let you know that today's show was written.
That's right.
It was written by Mike McRae, Steph Samurano, Steve Rosenfield, Frank Conniff, and Robert Yasamura.
And my friend Mark Vanderlund.
Vanderlund.
Okay.
That's right.
And all the voices you heard today, Mitt Romney and the John Boehner, done by the inimitable Mike McRae, who can be found at mikemcray.com.
He's the best impersonator in the whole wide, wild, goddamn world.
I said wild, wild, but don't you know what I meant?
Okay, I also want to take time out to thank the two gentlemen who donate their time and talents to help make the Jimmy Dore show come to you every week.
You know who the first one up is Sean James.
He's the Mac genius.
If you've got a problem with your Macintosh computer, he can fix it right over the internet.
You don't even have to leave your house.
He'll fix it for you at Sean Jane.
How do you get all of them?
You get him an email at MacHelp at SeanJames.com.
MacHelp at SeanJames.com.
That's S-H-A-U-N is how he spells his first name.
And I want to also thank Frank Pulaski for doing such a great video editing job.
He takes some of the phone calls that we do and he puts video to them.
And they're hilarious.
We put them up on Facebook.
We put them up at the website.
Thanks to Frank Pulaski from Dreamtime Films.
And if you're a Cinematic Titanic fan, they're going to be in Los Angeles this Sunday, the 19th.
That's right, this Sunday, Cinematic Titanic with Frank Conniff this Sunday at the Saban Theater in Los Angeles.
Go to cinematictitanic.com for tickets and more information.
All right, that's it for me.
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