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Jan. 7, 2011 - Jimmy Dore Show
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It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
The show for gut-minded, lily-livered lefties.
The kind of people that are...
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper say in charge of talking to your TV algae.
So sit back or sit up or keep driving.
Because it's the Jimmy Door show.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore!
It's Jimmy Dore!
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to the show.
In studio with me today, as always, Ben Zalavansky from Ben and Alex.tv, Robert Yasamura, tweeting at Team Yasamura, correct?
Correct.
And next to me is Steph Zamarano.
Hi, Steph.
From Comedy and Everything Else.
Oh, that's right.
From the podcast, Comedy and Everything Else.
Well, what's coming up on today's show?
They had a debate to see who's going to be the next chairman of the RNC.
That's the Republican National Committee.
And they asked a lot of really interesting questions.
One of them was, what's your favorite book?
Michael Steele, what's your favorite book?
War and Peace.
That's pretty funny, right?
Because, hey, can you quote?
Can you give us a favorite quote from that book?
It's the best of times and the worst of times.
That's funny.
I have no idea why they were laughing because that's not from that book.
Which is, I guess why they were all laughing because they knew Michael Steele was an idiot.
Hey, there was a massive snowstorm that hit the Northeast and Governor Christie's taking a lot of flack for how he handled it, but he's got a good excuse.
I had made a promise to my children that at the end of my first year as governor that he would set an example of how to serve the people in a time of crisis.
Is that what he's going to say?
That I was going to take him to Disney World the week between Christmas and New Year's.
That's right.
When the going gets tough, the tough hop on a plane and go to Florida.
We're going to look into that and we're going to talk more about Governor Christie's war against the public workers in his state.
That's right.
He wants to cut their pensions because they're the ones who caused our economic decline.
Plus, Chris Matthews asked a panel recently to give a football score on the Barack Obama's administration so far.
It sounded like this.
Start off, what is the halftime score that President Obama faces in the locker room right now?
You know what, Chris, right now, I've got Obama ahead, 56 to 35.
Would you like to know why?
Yes, because you're a girl and you don't know what real football scores are.
It only goes downhill from there, and we're going to make fun of it.
That's right.
Plus, they fired a Navy commander, the captain of the USS Enterprise, was relieved of his duties two days after a series of videos he made in 2006 surfaced on the internet.
What was the captain's name?
Captain Owen P. Honors, which is funny because I received several P. Honors when I was in kindergarten.
And what did those videos show?
Did they show him performing torture?
That's why they should relieve him.
Nope.
They showed something really damaging.
The videos of him telling off-color jokes and using bawdy humor.
You're out, pal!
We talk about that.
Plus, Jim Hightower stops by to bum us out in a folksy voice.
And Moron calls in from London and tells us what he got, Teresa, for Christmas.
Plus, a lot lot more.
That's This Week on the Jimmy Dore Show.
This Week on the Jimmy Dore Show.
Okay, well, Chris Christie sat down.
He's been giving a couple of interviews lately.
He's been talking a lot against the public employees unions, and this is what I noticed.
Ask any Wall Street apologist what caused our economic meltdown, and he'll tell you it was because a bunch of poor people wrestled the economy away from the bankers and Alan Greenspan and tricked them into giving them a bunch of money to buy houses they could never pay back.
It's the perfect cover for criminal bankers.
Hey, who's really in charge of the economy and responsible?
It's a bunch of poor people with no money in power.
Well, the new BS talking point is that what's bankrupting states right now is that they have to pay pension benefits to their state employees.
You know, state employees, teachers, cops, firemen, garbage men, stuff like that.
We have a benefit problem.
It's not an income problem from the state.
It's a benefit problem.
That's New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, presumably named Chris by his parents because it would be easier for him to remember his name.
Now, Governor Christie's a Republican, but not your typical Republican you think of.
He's a Northeastern Republican.
So that means he's not very conservative on social issues.
And that also means that by South Carolina Republican standards, he would be a vegan homosexual.
He's like a lot of Republicans north of the Mason-Dixon line.
He's what they would call a fiscal Republican, which sounds relatively benign, right?
Until you actually hear what makes fiscal conservatives fiscal conservatives.
That means not wanting to pay blue-collar workers for their state what they've earned.
We have a benefit problem.
It's not an income problem from the state.
It's a benefit problem.
And so we got to change those benefits.
That's the governor on 60 Minutes talking to I forget the guy's name.
He's the guy in 60 Minutes who used to be super good looking, but now looks kind of weird and cartoonish.
He's talking to that guy.
And that guy is serving up Governor Christie a bunch of total softballs and letting every answer he spews out go completely unchallenged.
What they're talking about is the fact that New Jersey is facing the worst crisis in state workers' benefits in the country.
Yes, the entire country.
And remember, we live in a country that includes Florida and Texas.
So what's the problem?
Well, the state promised to pay fairly standard civil service pensions to their teachers, firemen, police officers, etc.
So now New Jersey owes a bunch of aging workers the money they were promised to live on for the rest of their lives, and the state's running out of money.
Oops.
We have a benefit problem.
It's not an income problem from the state.
It's a benefit problem.
So let's just get this straight.
The state of New Jersey promised a bunch of workers that in exchange for doing some of the toughest work around, you'd throw them some health insurance and a little retirement dough.
And now you don't want to do it.
And in most parts of the world, that's considered breach of contract.
But to Governor Christie, that's called a benefit problem.
I mean, I think the general public thinks, I can't believe anybody gets a pension anymore.
I think amongst the broad general public, they've said, amen.
And I think among the public sector unions, they're yelling and screaming.
First of all, don't you think it's a bad idea to use the general public's opinion as a litmus test on anything?
Considering the general public is really into the Kardashians, dancing with the stars and snookie.
Secondly, I'm pretty sure that the general public is aware that state employees are supposed to get pensions.
You know who's not aware of that?
Politicians with two first names who are willing to vilify union workers in order to score cheap political points.
That's who.
I mean, I think the general public thinks, I can't believe anybody gets a pension anymore.
Yeah, that's right.
Nobody even thinks people have pensions anymore.
And you know why?
It's because they keep voting for politicians like Chris Christie, who view payments to public employee pension funds as, you know, optional, but promises to take a week vacation in Florida during a snowstorm as sacrosanct.
*music*
So Governor Christie, first of all, he's pushing the big lie again.
You know, the first big lie was, and I saw it again written on Facebook yesterday, what caused the economic collapse was that Bernie Frank and Fannie Mae made the banks give out bad loans to poor people so poor people could have houses and then everything.
Those poor defenseless banks.
Those poor defenseless, as if the government ever told the banks what to do ever.
And people just want like a lie they can believe.
And that's the one Chris Christie's given them.
It's like, you know, it used to be class warfare was the rich against the poor.
Now it's the poor against the poor or it's the middle class against the poor.
Really.
It's like if you have anything, they're going to find somebody who has less and then make them hate you.
That's really what's happening.
So when Governor Christie, the new thing is it's pensions.
It's the state pensions.
Was there a spike in payments to the state pensions in the last couple of years?
No, not at all.
Well, what happened then, Ben?
What happened?
Well, I think what actually happened in New Jersey is they stopped, the state like stopped contributing to the pension fund.
They never did it actually.
Right.
You know, they always, you know, they've been defaulting on this for a long time and now it's sort of the chicken just coming to roost.
Come on.
The promises you made last century.
Yeah.
Why do you have to keep them this century?
I think that those clips, the audio of Chris Christie is particularly damning because people can't see it at home.
But all that echo on his voice is because he's being interviewed inside that big golf ball at Epcot.
And I think from a PR standpoint, that was not a good move.
Is that not the ballsiest thing I've seen in a long time?
Hey, your state's under snow and nobody knows what to do.
Yeah, I'm going to go to Disneyland.
He promised his kids.
And if he wants to be reelected as dad, he is going to keep that promise.
Yes, if he wants to be reelected as dad.
I don't – but that's what they call one of those Christie moments when he pretends to be more moral than everybody else.
See, my first thing as a father and as a dad.
Yeah.
As if Jesus would be like, that's right.
You left those people go during a snowstorm and you take your kid to Disneyland.
That's a very Sopranos thing.
That's a very Northeastern kind of thing of like, well, yeah, I'm a scumbag, but I'm a family man too.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, I take care of my kids.
Like Al Capone giving out turkeys at Thanksgiving.
It's like when Joey Buttafuoco was complaining to people, hey, I'm working.
Can you just quit bugging me?
I'm working.
I'll never forget that.
He was out in Los Angeles and he was taping some show and then there was a reporter asking him questions when he was like – he goes, hey, I'm working.
I'm working.
As if that is – that's sacrosanct.
I'm working.
No, you're not a celebrity.
Very dedicated to his career.
Yeah, Joey Buttafuoco.
And I don't know how we got started talking about that.
By the way, I'm actually not against what Chris Christie is talking about.
What is that?
He's just talking about austerity measures in the sense – and the thing is like he really is up against it in the sense that – And you're not against austerity?
Unfortunately, in this case, he may be right because they never funded any of these pensions or health cares and stuff.
And this is what – I mean – and if these guys were getting their benefits through the unions, directly through the unions, these austerity measures would have been put in place like five years ago the way they were for SAG, the way they were for a lot of unions.
But what – So you're saying that the state of New Jersey doesn't have enough money to meet its – Yeah, and if you actually look at the austerity measures he's talking about, they're not awful.
They're not good.
But you're saying it's about time Americans lowered their standard of living.
That is not what I'm saying.
It sounded like that's what you're saying.
No, no, no, no.
Like I'm a firm believer in unions.
I really – like – but the problem is is that there simply is not the money.
And the austerity measures he's talking about aren't like – they're not like screwing the unions completely.
They're going to keep their health care.
They'll keep their benefits.
But they're like – they would have to pay into them more.
And I'm not a fan.
I'm not happy about this.
But the simple fact of the matter is he's inheriting this awful set of circumstances in New Jersey that have been building for years and years and years.
The problem I have with what he's doing is there's no reason for him to vilify unions in the process or labor in the process.
And that's what he's doing.
There's no reason for that.
I think part of the problem is that it's – part of the reason why this works is that when you bash the unions like this, it's a very sort of faceless kind of thing.
But those unions are full of people that live in New Jersey that Chris Christie is supposed to be employed by.
Like it's not – he's not – it's not like some nebulous thing that, well, let's just – we just get rid of the unions.
Like actual people are going to be affected by this.
It's people that maybe if they had known they weren't going to get a pension might have tried to find a job that paid a little better or that wasn't so thankless.
Like they took those jobs knowing that – or believing that they were going to get a certain level of – that's why they call it benefits because you're giving up some of your salary in return for other benefits like health care, like a pension plan.
And so those people, had they known that it was just going to be the salary with no benefits, maybe they wouldn't have spent their lives working at that job.
So I just want to go back to Robert's point that although you're not a fan of these austerity measures, it's something that has to be done because there simply isn't enough money.
When you say there simply isn't enough money, you mean that there's no way that the state could ever raise enough money to pay its bills?
I don't think so.
I really don't because New Jersey already has like fairly high income and state taxes.
I mean I think they should be raised but – and one of the other problems with Chris Christie is he has said we're not raising taxes ever, which is the Republican position that everybody takes.
That's ridiculous and really doesn't recognize the reality.
But I – yeah, they're really in trouble.
Like austerity as a concept is OK when it's shared equally.
Right.
It's not being shared by anybody except blue-collar workers.
If this was a thing where it's we all have to tighten our belts, then that means the people at the top would have to do it too.
But the truth is – the other thing about New Jersey is that not only are everyone's state taxes and like property taxes unusually high, New Jersey I think is last in terms of how much they get back from the federal government for how much federal – how much tax money they send to the government.
Right.
In other words, they get – like Alaska gets – for every dollar they send, they get $7 back in federal funding.
New Jersey is on the other end, I think literally 50th.
So they're getting the least federal help.
Like it is definitely a terrible situation.
And by the way, Christie just turned down like hundreds of millions of dollars in federal aid because he's like – it was the same as the guy in Ohio and in Wisconsin where he's like, no, we don't want these – all this money to create jobs.
in my state like well you know what he turned down there They were talking about building, I can't remember if it was a bridge or a tunnel, another bridge or a tunnel from New Jersey to New York.
And he said, no, I'm not taking this federal money for this project.
And I think it's, as anyone who has tried to get into New York from New Jersey can tell you.
It's a piece of cake.
It's really easy.
There's no need for any abatement.
Yeah, the people don't need to get together and do a Publix Works progress in the middle of a depression, which is exactly what they should be doing.
But Governor Christie knows better because there's nothing wrong with spending two hours to go 10 miles.
That's right.
Well, isn't he also the same governor that failed to turn in his race to the top form properly, and they lost how many millions of dollars?
Let's explain to people what the race at the top is, is the Barack Obama-Ernie Duncan's program to get schools to incentivize schools to get better results.
And what they do is if your school reaches all these certain kinds of test score quotas, they're going to give you money.
And so New Jersey actually qualified.
They could have got some money.
They were going to get $400 million for education to New Jersey, except they didn't fill out the form correctly.
They didn't fill out the form correctly.
That's the kind of dumb that you can't find on a standardized test.
Yeah, that alone should tell them that they need the money really badly.
Yeah, it's ironic.
So much of that federal money was going to be for a class in form filling out.
Yeah.
Wouldn't it be ironic if it was they just didn't use a number two pencil?
That was it.
Wouldn't it be funny if when Governor Christie went to Disney World on his prepaid ticket, that when he got there, they go, oh, no, I'm sorry.
We're already sold out for today.
They go, no, well, then I need to get a refund.
No, we don't have money to give you a refund.
What do I mean?
Do you guys have an income problem?
No, no, no.
We have a benefit problem.
We have the income.
We just don't want to give it to you, Governor Christie.
Why?
Because we don't want to.
Because we don't have enough money to let you in today.
Why is that?
You have an input.
No, no, it's your problem.
It's your benefit.
Isn't that pretty much what he's saying, right?
Yeah, he's explaining people who got reasonable deals for themselves to create the middle class among state workers.
And nobody, I mean, and it's not their fault that no one bothered to fund the benefits that they deserve.
Couldn't agree with you more.
And now the Joe Scarborough Institute for Moderate Thinking presents great moments in centrist history.
March 1965.
A small band of centrist activists joined the march from Selma to Montgomery, demanding the right to sit in the middle of the bus, eat at the lunch counter on Wednesdays and Fridays, and vote in alternating elections.
This has been Great Moments in Centrist History, brought to you by the Joe Scarborough Institute for Moderate Thinking.
Who would like to remind you, whatever you do, try not to stand for anything.
Don't forget the Jimmy Doer show is available as a podcast for free at iTunes.
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Well, it's pronounced Door, but it's spelled D-O-R-E.
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We're connected.
Okay, so we're back in the studio and I wanted to talk about, I mentioned it at the top of the show.
Chris Matthews had a unique segment and I'm just going to play it.
He had his crew in there like I like to have my crew in here and they're talking and he asked them if he could give if they could assess Barack Obama's performance but do it in the terms of football scores.
I'm not kidding.
It's funny already, right?
So let's play a little bit of it.
It's just ridiculous.
It's like we're going to play more.
It's like as if Moron was hosting a segment.
Let me try.
I'm trying to find it.
Here it is.
The President Obama faces in the locker room right now.
You know what, Chris?
Right now, I've got Obama ahead, 56 to 35.
Would you like to know why?
Is this a football score?
Jesus.
This is a football score.
I've got him ahead.
I have him ahead, but not by the time.
Well, what are the numbers?
I give him, well, the math is going to hunt my head, but I give him three touchdowns.
One, one for two, effectively, two recovery acts.
Three touchdowns ahead of the other side.
And the other half, two.
No, they'll have two touchdowns.
Okay, because I give them the Republicans have one.
Come on.
It's pretty funny.
First of all, I love how Chris Matthews has to interrupt everybody to make everything so confusing.
Three touchdowns ahead of all the time?
Three touchdowns?
Oh, no, the other side has two touchdowns.
Okay, keep going.
They won the message war.
Yeah, assuming they got the conversions.
They got the won the message war.
They got back the house.
Two touchdowns for them.
For him, I'm going to say health care, two, effectively, two recovery acts, and all the other stuff put together counts as one for me.
So three to two touchdowns.
He's one ahead.
Okay, first of all, if you needed any more of a clue that that guy doesn't watch football.
I think they should have asked him for the cricket score.
How many wickets did President Obama have?
So what's the score of that game again?
Oh, it's three to two.
The football game gets three to two touchdowns and four to one field goals.
It's three to two touchdowns.
They're winning three to two touchdowns.
Who talks like that?
What I love about this is that sports metaphors, metaphors in general, are supposed to clarify issues.
They made all of their positions so unclear by trying to adapt.
I have him 47 to 3.
He's like, I need the numbers.
I need the numbers.
What's the numbers?
Okay, there's more to this clip.
You think I'm kidding?
There's more to this clip.
Okay, guy, that's pretty close.
Your thoughts, Steve?
Well, I would say, look, his approval rating is just a shade under 50%, you know, 45, 46%.
So I say he's down.
I'd say 13, 10 if I got to pick a football score, but I'd say it's a different kind of 13 to 10.
This is the kind of first half in football where a lot of things go wrong.
A couple turnovers, maybe a block punch.
But he looks stronger than his numbers.
You get to the locker room and you say, you know what?
It's only 13, 10.
We're healthy.
We're strong.
And I think that's the mood he asked Republicans now.
They're so 10-13.
John Alder, I'm really interested here.
I'm actually much more where these other guys are.
He has put a lot of points out of the board.
I've got it at 23 to 14.
23 to 14.
Now let's just break that down.
Let me just break down that score that Jonathan Alter just gave.
First of all, I love that Jonathan Alter almost made a salient point, and then Chris stopped him immediately.
Give me your numbers.
What are your numbers?
So he comes up with these numbers 23 to 14.
So I'm guessing they got three touchdowns and a safety?
Yeah.
But what was the safety?
The Lily Leadbetter Act?
What did they do?
What was the safety?
So we'll keep going.
Two big touchdowns.
He prevented a depression.
We keep forgetting about that.
We were headed for 20% unemployment in 2009.
Right.
Healthcare is huge.
The biggest piece of social legislation since 1965.
So those are two big touchdowns.
And I put all the other things in as field goals, really.
Okay, let's start with you right now.
But then on the other side, the reason that the other team has two touchdowns is that not just the midterms, they have controlled the politics of the last two years.
They are just much more disciplined about driving a message.
And that's got to be worth a touchdown or two, right?
Yeah, and maintaining political momentum.
And that's worth at least a one-time.
So they were able to.
I'm so lost right now.
I'd like to know how Michael Vick's doing legislatively speaking.
And by the way, am I the only person who, like, when I hear someone go to a sportsman.
And I'm sorry, this is a class thing, but when I hear someone go to a football metaphor journalistically or politically, I tune out immediately.
I'm like, well, you're not speaking to me.
You're not talking to me.
You're talking to people who need a football metaphor for everything in their life because they're dumbs.
Oh, and that's right.
We're swearing again on the show.
I appreciate it.
And I apologize to my parents.
My parents, I swear to God, they're like, well, listen to the radio show.
You don't swear on that, right?
I go, no, we don't.
But now we do on the podcast.
So I apologize.
I'm not going to.
Well, to say, tax cuts are good for all economic groups, and Obamacare sucks.
Basically, they keep getting those messages out.
So three to two touchdowns.
He's one ahead.
Come on, that's fun.
That's some good, clean fun.
Three to two touchdowns.
You know what?
Right?
Wouldn't you say that?
Is that the way you should judge a guy, Ben?
Well, I always like to judge President Obama like he's playing air hockey.
The first, well, I think, you know, he scored a couple of goals early in his term.
He had stimulus to save the auto industry.
Then he banged up his knuckles with that health care plan.
They didn't get the public option.
You know, and now the Republicans, they shut off the air at the table.
He's got to go get more forters.
It's a real message.
He took a break.
He had a slurpee.
Oh, God.
You know, I think Barack Obama, it's more like a baseball game, I think, because when he started to do the health care and they stretched it out over the summer, it was like the public option got caught in a rundown between second and third, and then they finally got tagged out because they doubled up two runners.
But I got to say, that segment, I think that Chris Matthews segment, I would like to just judge that segment.
I think that's.
Yeah, go ahead.
I would like to compare that more to a basketball game in his section.
Well, this segment was like it was an air ball.
It was definitely a brick.
I mean, Chris Matthews, he has his moments, and clearly this wasn't one of them.
It was like he lost the jump ball to start off the half, and then he just got caught in a running game.
And let's face it, he's not a fast break host anymore, right?
I mean, I'm surprised Dylan Radigan didn't come out of the green room and just dunk right in his face.
Okay, you're listening to The Jimmy Dore Show on Pacifica.
The Jimmy Dore Show on Pacifica.
Hi, welcome back to the Jimmy Door Show.
I'm going to let you know what's coming up on the rest of today's show.
That's right, they fired a Navy commander of the USS Constitution.
Enterprise.
No, Enterprise.
Correct.
Thanks, Robert.
Just like Star Trek.
They fired that guy because he made a video.
That's right.
You can't make a video with body jokes.
So he's out.
We're going to talk about that.
Hey, did you know they used to prescribe booze back in the 30s?
They used to do that.
That's right.
We're going to talk about that.
just like medical marijuana today, plus bridalplasty.
That's a new...
It's a new.
What?
That's right.
It's a new show, Bridal Plasty.
A bunch of young brides compete so they can look pretty on their wedding day.
That's right.
And don't forget, lose weights, honey, too.
Got to lose weight.
Okay.
It's like we're living in Caligula.
It is.
Plus, moron's going to call in, and there's going to be a lot lot more.
But if you like the Jimmy Door show and you like to see standing up comedy, the Subversive Comedy Show is coming to Burbank, California.
That's right.
That's next Thursday, January 13th.
We're going to have a great show for you.
Who's on that show?
Greg Proups.
Wow.
That's right.
Greg Proups, Carlos Alasracki from Reno 911.
Nice.
Al Magical from Gary Unmarried.
David, three-time Emmy Award-winning writer David Feldman is going to be on that show.
Hey now.
Hey now.
And myself, Moha, Jimmy Dorr, will be on that show.
So that's going to be January 13th at Flappers Comedy Club in Burbank at 102 East Magnolia.
And if you mention the show or you flash your medical marijuana card or even mention it, we're going to get you in two for one.
How about that?
That's a two-for-one.
The Subversive Comedy Show at Flappers Comedy Club in Burbank with Greg Proups, Carlos Elizrocki, Al Magical, David Feldman, and Jimmy Dorr.
All right, now coming up is Jim Hightower.
Last year, Democrats claimed that the new financial reform law they passed had finally shut down the Wall Street casinos, those phlegm flam houses of high finance that had wrecked our economy in 2007.
But the new Republican majority in the House say that they intend to undo the reforms this year.
Why?
Because, sobbed the GOP leaders, the law passed by those Democratic meanies was too harsh on the millionaires who run Wall Street.
So they plan to loosen the restraints on them.
But wait, what's that sound?
Why, it's the clickety-click click of Wall Street's roulette wheel still spinning round and round.
Despite the Democrats' reform and even before the Republicans rushed to give aid and comfort to the poor bankers, the games never really stopped.
Check out Pimco, for example, a huge Wall Street player that's been trying to lure hotshot investors into a new gambling scheme.
It promises to buy bad mortgages from troubled banks and hocus pocus, turn them into a profitable windfall for Pimco and the elite gamblers who are putting up at least a half million bucks each.
The fund, with a peppy name of Bravo, looks like the same kind of razzle dazzle that wrecked us three years ago.
But not to worry, for Pimco has enlisted an all-star lineup of officials from the old Bush regime to endorse the hustle, apparently thinking that they give it some respectability.
There's Josh Bolton, for example, a former Goldman Sachs honcho who was George W.'s chief of staff.
While in the White House, he helped loosen Wall Street regulations to allow banks to become casinos.
After they imploded, he dutifully helped orchestrate a taxpayer bailout for them.
This is Jim Hightower saying, now Josh is on board with Pimco to keep the roulette wheel spinning, and no doubt he'll get behind the GOP's effort to reopen the whole Wall Street casino.
Not to mention the next bailout that they'll want.
Okay, and that was Jim Hydower and the reopening of the Wall Street Casino.
I don't think it ever closed.
I don't think it's ever going to.
All right, let's move on.
There was a Navy commander who got fired.
Right now, we all heard about this.
Now, he made that a lot of...
I guess this is what happens when you're at sea.
You know, I've been at sea, but, you know, it was...
It was a little different.
This is what happens when you're at sea without a buffet.
This is without a buffet and without your own, and they have to bunk next to each other.
I mean, being NC, it's a totally different thing.
So they go nuts.
And I guess the commanders of ships, they make up these videos that they're kind of, you know, funny.
They're supposed to be funny.
And I'm making quotes right now as I say that.
Supposed to be funny.
And so they make these videos, and it's for morale.
So they get to see the top guy kind of being funny.
You know, like when George Bush did those videos at the correspondence dinner a few years ago, when he was like, oh, where are those weapons of mass destruction?
It was funny.
Remember that?
When he's like, ah, they must be.
He was just as good a comedian as he was a president.
That's right.
So they do the same thing aboard ships all the time.
So this guy did this video, and apparently he gay-bashed.
There was video of him looking into the showers because they're supposed to save water, conserved water on the ship.
So he was peeking into a shower, and there was a guy and a girl showering together to save water on the ship.
So they got rid of the guy.
They got rid of the guy during a time of war.
They got rid of a top commander because he made...
Although Honors, that's his name, Honors.
Wow.
ONP Honors.
How about that?
ONP Honors uses an anti-gay slur on several occasions.
The videos don't appear to have been intended to demean gays and are mostly juvenile and nature.
I'm reading from the Washington Post.
Quote, the line is pretty clear.
If sexual innuendo is involved, it is out of bounds, said the retired Vice Admiral John Morgan, who commanded the U.S. Enterprise in 2001 and 2002.
Quote, what bothers me is that Captain Honors' behavior set a standard that allowed for sexual innuendo.
And boy, if there's anything that you got to avoid when you're killing people in war, it's sexual innuendo, or at least setting the environment for sexual innuendo.
Right.
It's such a lie.
I mean, the only thing this guy did wrong really is committing it to tape.
Because if you've never seen or heard about what a crossing line ceremony is in the Navy, I have.
Wow.
I have.
Wow.
And commanders sign off on that all the time.
Yeah, those guys make fraternities look like fraternities.
You know, you guys are rushing to defend this guy, but I want to say I haven't seen a bad actor on a U.S. Enterprise like this since.
Wow.
Anyone fill it in yourself at home?
Who are we talking about?
But it's just, I just find all this stuff kind of crazy making in a big way.
You know, I mean, again, here we are in the middle of the biggest financial meltdown in the world, they got Martha Stewart.
Yeah.
It's a little like when they got rid of all the Arab speakers in the State Department who were gay.
Yes.
They discharged a lot of Arab speakers in the Army for being gay.
A concerted effort to miss the point.
Yes.
Yes.
And here we are in the middle of, well, one illegal war and another one that nobody wants.
Again, I'll say it again.
I like to say it.
We're a bunch of capitalists that we have to borrow money from China for this Afghanistan war.
A bunch of capitalists borrowing money from a bunch of communists so we can bring democracy to a bunch of Muslims who don't even want it.
And in the middle of that, we're firing guys for making videos, doing stuff that the guys.
There's something about guys being around guys.
And then you stick them on a ship.
I mean, are you crazy?
Thank God that's all they do is make body videos.
I think it's good news because this is really the only example of bad military conduct over the last couple of years that I think anyone can – Yeah, they got all that.
They're moving on to YouTube.
You know, well, we're going to investigate this first.
Yeah.
And then they're going to investigate torture and war crime.
But they're going to get the video.
The comedy videos are.
You know, I mean, just as with the Smothers brothers, they go right after the comics first.
Oh, yeah, that's too cool.
And then they go down the list from there.
So it's going to go ONP or O and P Honors.
And then they're going to go right after the Guantanamo torturers.
And then maybe we'll see if Donald Rumsfeld gets a hearing.
Maybe.
The thing is, if you get a camera pointed at you, you're done.
You're done.
Yes.
Like all the people at Abu Ghraib, all the people who were in those photos, screwed.
Yes.
Whereas all the officers who ordered them to do it, they're fine.
Those guys are great.
You mean figuratively screwed?
Yes.
That's what I thought.
I mean, like, you know, the woman in the shots who was a private, who was like 19, didn't know better.
Yeah.
And she went to jail for over a year.
The people who ordered her to do what she was doing, nothing.
Nothing.
No, no.
Well, it's...
Lindy England.
Lindy England came up with how to sexually, psychosexually humiliate a Muslim in a way that's germane only to them.
No.
She went out and got the dogs.
Yeah, she figured out the hood and the thing The only thing Lindy Engling came up with was her pose for the photograph.
Right.
Was giving her the double guns.
That was it.
You know, I mean, like, and this captain, Captain Honors, the only thing wrong.
P. Honors.
Captain P. Honors.
Friend of the show.
He did.
Friend of the show.
The only thing he did wrong.
I'm sorry, we haven't done Friend of the Show this week.
Is that he, one, committed it to tape.
And two, I mean, to be honest, he was a flag officer.
He should have known better.
I mean, that's what he's going to get terminated for is just bad judgment.
Is it possible that that's what he was saying on the video, that he was a flag officer?
Maybe that's what he was saying.
Maybe they just misheard him.
Yes.
Flag.
Oh, yeah.
Flag.
You got to pronounce, hit that L or else people are going to get the wrong idea.
Yes.
Here, can I read a little bit more from the Washington Post?
Always.
Okay.
Other former Navy officers acknowledge that ribald humor, ribald humor, ribald humor.
I don't even know what ribald.
I think it's ribbled, actually.
Ribbled?
It's ribbled.
Is that the word ribbaled?
No, it's ribald.
Other former Navy officers acknowledge that ribald humor, similar in nature to the sexual innuendo in honors videos, is a storied part of Navy tradition.
For decades, ships have held elaborate shellback ceremonies for sailors making their first trip across the equator.
These rituals typically have involved young sailors in drag and licking grape jelly from the belly button of a fat sailor who is dressed in an oversized diaper.
The Navy has made very what?
Hey, you know what?
I call that Saturday.
The Navy has made periodic efforts to clamp down on the shellback initiations, urging commanders to dispense with belly licking and beauty contests in which male sailors dress up as women.
What is going on?
they're out of ship for months at a time.
What do you think is going on?
The question is, what isn't going on?
I have an idea.
Get these guys books.
Get them something to do.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, sure.
They're all big readers.
Oh, sure.
Not with all that belly licking going on.
Yes.
You know why I want to join the Navy?
So I can get some good reading.
You know, if you like reading, you like to learn, I would say naval officer.
That's what I would say.
That's it.
Naval, you know, that's where you put the jelly.
They shouldn't have known.
That was giving me some confusion.
Navy commanders also have begun to play a more prominent role in monitoring the shipboard ceremonies to ensure that sailors aren't offended.
But you know, this whole thing about the, like, the, again, it, this, we're, I sound very much like a conservative right now, I think, when I say the really the worst thing in the world that could happen to someone is that they're offended.
You know, that's part of being alive, is that you get offended.
And you decide if you're offended.
I mean, this whole thing of being offended, like, that's the worst thing you can do to somebody.
And how can this, and you're a soldier, by the way.
I think I saw Full Metal Jacket.
I think I know what they go through.
You're going to be offended at a guy in drag after you can go through that, you maggot.
Well, hold on.
Hold on.
Hold on.
And we've talked about the military rape statistics, which are just ridiculous in terms of rape and sexual harassment.
And there is a climate being created.
You would think that hired killers would be more gentlemanlike.
I think the, you know, the real problem is not that like, it's not that they're moving on this.
Well, it's dumb, but it's not a huge problem.
The problem is, look how fast they acted on this as compared to don't ask, don't tell.
Yeah, it took deliberation like we've never seen before.
Yes.
But this was like, oh, he made a video.
Get him.
Get him.
Yes.
Act down.
Or all the soldiers coming back with PTSD who are being outed, who are basically being kicked out of the army on nonsense charges because they're freaking out because they saw people die.
You know, I just want to know what this guy really did.
What did Pete Honors really do that they're releasing this video getting rid of him?
That's the real question.
What's really going on in the Enterprise?
Because he did this years ago.
2006, he did this video.
Oh, really?
Yes.
And he was second in command.
Now he's in command.
And now the video comes out and now they get rid of him.
Just before he's about to deploy, too.
What?
Yeah, what exactly?
He pissed off somebody, right?
He crossed somebody.
That's what this is.
Okay.
Because we know, I mean, I've heard of the belly licking.
I know.
That guy, Eric Massa, the congressman from New York, remember he?
He did with the tickle parties.
He went on Glenn Beck and talked about, yeah, he talked about those shell-backed things, and he showed Glenn Beck the pictures.
Remember that?
And Glenn's like, all right, well, we are not going to show these on the TV, right?
And so we're not going to do reporting.
I think Glenn Beck didn't want to show the pictures because it was a competing sponsor's brand of jelly.
Maybe that was the conversation.
It was gold jelly.
Okay, now, guys, let's shift topics really quickly.
We talked about tease it at the top.
Michael Steele was at the RNC.
And we're going to do a friend of the show.
And we're going to do a longer segment on this next week.
look at me teasing next week's show already because when I came in, Ali, the producer of the show, was talking to me about the Dylan Radigan show yesterday I'm making quotes again.
Debate for the chairmanship of the RNC.
And they were asking questions like, how many guns do you own?
Besides Ronald Reagan, who was your favorite president?
So these are actual questions being asked.
And so I knew for whatever reason, I taped Dylan Radigan yesterday.
I TVO'd it, and then I didn't watch it.
And then I came in, and when Ollie mentioned it, I was like, well, that's fate.
I should go back.
I got to go back and watch the show.
And we got to do this segment.
But let's just, I have the little clip here of they asked Michael Steele what his favorite book was.
War and Peace.
Yeah, War and Peace.
Okay, go.
Everything's going good.
Yeah, the big laugh that he got is just a sign of how well respected he is.
at first I was like War and Peace.
That's right.
Okay.
And then everything's going good.
And then he tries to quote it.
It's the best of times and the worst of times.
Ooh, Dickens.
Sorry.
Quoting Dickens, not Tolstoy.
But that was a nice try.
And I'm not going to, you know, I'm not going to pretend.
I haven't read either of them.
I haven't read Warren Peace.
And I certainly haven't read Dickens just because the name offends me.
Are you sure he wasn't talking about his reading of the book?
It was the best of times.
And then I had some bad times reading it.
I think that's what he was probably trying to say.
I think that's what he was going to say.
He can't help but speak literally.
I also thought that he was just talking about a book that he read the title from.
Maybe that's what he was talking about.
Call him Captain B-roll because he manages every time to say something.
Every time a camera is pointed on him, he says something that makes B-roll.
He's great.
My favorite book, Warren Peace.
I still remember the black and yellow stripes on the cover.
That's Cliff Notes to the Cliff Notes.
Oh, I got it now.
That's a Cliff Notes joke.
So that means that Jimmy read everything he was supposed to in school, unlike the rest of us.
Yeah.
No, I mean, I just didn't even bother to read.
So that's what I just, I just, I just paid attention in class.
That's my tip to the young kids out there.
Don't do your homework or read.
Just pay attention in class.
And then if you're happy with C's, you can get your own radio shows.
Maybe someday you get your own radio show, or even better, you could be president.
Yeah, no kidding.
How about that?
But try to have a dad who was president.
It helps.
Oh, hang on.
I got to take this.
I'm sorry.
Hey, it's Jimmy.
Who's this?
Hey, Jimmy, how you doing?
It's Moron.
Hey, Moron, what's happening, buddy?
Not much.
We didn't hear from you last week.
What happened?
Jim, I got stuck in the London airport.
Oh, they privatized that airport.
Tell me about it.
And what were you doing there?
Therese won a contest on the classic rock station.
Oh, free trip?
Yeah.
I mean, Jim, I normally I don't like to leave the country, you know.
Makes me uncomfortable.
Makes me feel less patriotic to be enjoying myself in another country.
Why is that?
Well, it just seems like there's so many things in the US of Aid that I haven't enjoyed yet.
And that why am I enjoying something else in another country?
Morrin, that doesn't make any sense.
Makes a lot of sense if you're me, Jim.
Why would enjoying yourself in another country make you feel unpatriotic, Moron?
It just does.
Anyway.
Well, then what made you go to England in the first place?
Therese won this contest on the classic rock station.
Oh, what did you guys win?
Oh, they send you to England to see a concert for free.
That sounds like a pretty sweet deal.
Who was the concert?
Frampton.
Wow, Frampton.
How'd you like it, buddy?
At least everybody speaks English.
I mean, yeah!
We ended up getting stuck at the airport for like three days because they got five inches of snow, Jim.
Five inches.
Well, that's because they privatized the airport.
Well, then it should run better than right.
Well, that's what they thought, but the guys didn't put any money into the snow removal.
Well, they put a lot of money into the stores there.
They're beautiful.
It was like being in a regular mall here or something.
Yeah, well, I'm glad they got the stores figured out, but they forgot to figure out the snow part, right?
So the planes could fly.
They should privatize the snow removal like they privatized the inside of the airport.
Well, it is privatized.
That's why it didn't work.
No, that's why it should work.
That doesn't make no sense, Jim.
Well, it turns out the governments run things like airports better than private companies.
Jim.
They just do, moron.
They just do.
You ever see a government guy try to run a Brookstone store?
Yeah, not very good.
That's not what we're talking about here.
I don't think you understand how airports work.
I don't understand how flying works.
How does that thing get off the ground, Jim?
You ever think about that?
I have no idea, and the less I think about it, the better off I'll be.
Hey, speaking of snow, I see your best friend, Governor Chris Christie of New Jersey, took off during the snowstorm.
Only because he's a good father, Jim.
He had to go be a good father.
What does that have to do with anything?
Well, he's setting a good example for his kids.
Is that the kind of example that your father said for you when it snowed?
Really?
Wasn't as good a dad.
My dad, when he, whenever it snowed real heavy, he wouldn't take us to Disney World.
He would make us go shovel the snow.
Well, it kind of makes sense.
And then he'd make us go shovel the snow for the old lady across the alley who was too old to shovel.
And then we'd have to go shovel the snow for a guy on the corner who had a bad heart.
And then across the street, we had to shovel for the old lady whose husband just died.
Wow, that's a good lesson he taught you.
And then he would tell us, after all that, he would tell us to go out shoveling, knock on doors, and shovel people's snow to make extra money because he said he wasn't giving us any allowance that month if it snowed because we could go make our own money.
Seems to me like your dad was a pretty good guy.
I mean, he was teaching you a lot of good lessons there, right?
Setting a good example of how people come together in communities to help each other in tough times and how you can also be an entrepreneur in tough times by doing things that help your community.
Sounds like your dad was a good dad.
He was no Governor Christie.
I'll tell you that.
Well, why do you say something like that, born?
Wouldn't you rather go to Florida, Jim?
Sure, I would, buddy.
Enough said.
Yeah, but Moron, that's not the point.
Oh, no, Jim.
That's the point, buddy.
And did you see Governor Christie on 60 Minutes?
Yeah, sure.
Where he said that in order to balance the state budget, he has to cut all the benefits to the civil servants, meaning teachers, cops, firemen, people like that who work for the state.
Yeah, that's good, cut up.
You think that they should cut their benefits and their pension?
Yeah, hey, I don't get no pension.
Then why did your day get a pension?
Moron, I think you're asking the wrong question.
The question should be: why don't you get a pension?
Because I'm not a freeloader working for the state.
Yeah, but why should only state employees get pensions now?
Why don't workers like you get pensions?
Yeah, why don't I?
That's what I'm saying.
You should be demanding a pension.
From who?
Governor Christie?
I'm not a teacher.
No, I'm saying people who work in America should be demanding that they get pensions.
Yeah, but we don't got no money to give pensions anymore because of all the state's workers.
They're all making so much money, it's bankrupting everyone.
Doesn't that sound a little suspect to you, Moron, that we don't have enough money to pay people who work their whole life?
Jim, nobody gets pensions no more.
And why do you think that is, Moron?
Because things are screwed up, that's why.
Yeah, but things aren't screwed up because of cops, teachers, and firemen.
There's not enough money for everything.
You only got enough money for certain things.
Jim, we got two wars going on right now.
How do you think we're going to pay for that?
There's plenty of money for everything, Moron.
Hey, did I tell you what I got Teresa for Christmas?
No, I haven't talked to you last week.
What is it called?
It's like it's perfect because she likes little stuffed animals, but it also turns into a pillow that you can sleep on.
Like a transformer?
Yes.
Is it small or no?
A full 21-inch little stuffed animal, and then you just take it out of its thing like a zip.
You unzip it.
What?
Boom.
Home, sweet home.
It's a pillow again.
So you're saying it starts out as a pillow, and then it can transform into a little stuffed animal, and then it can go back into a pillow?
Yes, but it's a pillow in the form of something else.
And then it's a little bit more.
Like, for instance.
Yeah, I need it.
I need it, for instance, buddy.
For instance, it can go from being a barn into being a cow.
Your voice went up like Christopher Walking for a second there.
And then there's one, the one I got, Teresa.
It goes from being a castle into a dragon.
Doesn't sound very romantic.
I also got her the one that goes from being a bungalow into a ladybug.
Your voice went up again like that.
I had my eye on the one that goes from an igloo to a penguin.
like penguins.
Tell them the other thing.
Therese.
Tell them.
No.
What other?
What other thing, moron?
Just go tell me.
I gotta the cellulite massage system by Vercio.
It's supposed to be nice one.
You brought me a hot damn cellulite thing for Christmas.
You're a monster.
You think I'm hot like?
You think I'm fancy?
Terese.
Terese.
All right, Jim.
I gotta go.
Just go.
Just go, Moron.
Go on.
Just go.
Okay.
Every time, Teresa.
Every time this is how you're gonna start the new year.
Every time I'm on the phone, yeah, you're gonna cellulate in your hair, Reese.
Okay, and we're back.
Thanks, Moron.
That was things are again back to normal.
Yeah.
That's what I like to hear over at Moron's house.
Back to normal.
He's such a romantic.
That's what I love about him.
You know, a lady likes a nice celluloid machine, you know?
A celluloid?
Is that the word?
I don't think that's the word.
But cellulite.
Cellulite machine.
Celluloid.
That's film.
That's what I thought.
That's what I thought.
See, that's what I'm talking about.
C-student.
That's what I talk about.
C-students.
And speaking of C students, I was watching the, you know, I'm a fan of the reality shows.
When I say fan, I mean I try to watch them so I know what's going on in the culture.
The Bachelor, I watch that just because, you know, those are good people.
They're good people who just, they just have to, they're just trying to take the most important decision of their life and turn it into a game show.
So that's not whatever.
I love those people.
They're good Christians.
But I was watching Bridal Plasty.
Now, if you don't know what Bridal Plasty is, good for you.
It's a bunch.
It's a bunch of women who are already engaged, right?
They're pretty enough to be engaged already.
They already got their guy, but ugly enough to still need plastic surgery, right?
So according to them, that's how they feel.
So they do, they do these things.
They compete, right?
They have these little competitions.
And whoever wins the competition, you win a plastic surgery procedure.
And they leave the house immediately.
Like immediately, they get you.
You won.
Boom.
You get your suitcase.
You go down to the operating room.
I'm not kidding.
They go down to the operator.
And then they come back.
The one girl I saw, she came back with a broken nose or whatever, with the bandage over her nose.
And you know how the normal reactions when you see someone bandaged is like, oh, how do you, how do you feel?
And the women reacted like this.
I'm so jealous.
Oh, I just can't wait till it's me.
It was unbelievable.
And I don't want to make it out that they're not smart women.
I don't want to make it out that they don't.
But here, well, here's somebody just going to prove to you just how smart they are.
I feel that I am a really well writer.
Yes, she's a well-writer and a well-speaker.
Can we throw her into a well to find out if that's true?
I feel like I'm a very well-writer and a well-speaker, a well-writer, and a well-speaker.
But she does talk goodly, I thought.
She talks goodly.
This brings me to a point, which is a lot of the purpose of comedy is to illuminate what's ironic or funny about, and this is an instance where we're not necessary.
All you have to do is state the facts of the situation.
And if somebody doesn't understand why this is ridiculous, they're on their own.
I, as a comedian, I'm cutting that person loose.
It's kind of like how I feel about Glenn Beck.
People write to me a lot and they say, Jimmy, what should we do about Glenn Beck?
My friends who watch him, what should I tell them?
My friends think Glenn Beck is good.
And I always say, you know, you just got to let some people go.
It's like triage, you know?
I mean, if you can watch Glenn Beck without your BS detector going in overdrive, it's over for you.
It's too late.
I can't help those people.
There's going to be some people that are just, you know, during the Revolutionary War, there were some people who stayed on the side of England.
So I can't help those people.
There's nothing you can say to them.
It's like, what do you say to some?
That's like writing me and saying, hey, I have a friend who doesn't believe in evolution.
I can't help you.
There's nothing I can do.
You're obviously not convinced by facts.
Right.
And if you don't know brideoplasty is ridiculous and horrible and indicates the decline of our society, then I'm done with you.
You're one less person I need to deal with.
But who doesn't want to look beautiful when they get married?
I mean, we're a bunch of guys sitting here talking about this stuff.
But what's more important about the marriage?
Looking good or a healthy marriage, huh, fellas?
Well, look.
I didn't have a healthy marriage if you don't look good.
That's right, Ben.
First of all, you know what?
We're up against the clock.
It's been another great show, you guys.
Thanks for I want to thank everybody who helped make this show possible.
Steph Zabarano, Robert Yasimura, Ben Zalavansky, Stan Stankos, and a producer, Ali Lexa.
And, oh, I want to promote the show again.
I want to let everybody know that on January 13th, that's next Thursday, we're doing the subversive comedy show at Flappers Comedy Club in Burbank.
And it's a great show.
We got Greg Proops is on that show.
We got Kyler Salazraki from Reno 911, Al Madrigo, David Feldman.
And of course, yours truly will be on that show.
And that's at Flappers Comedy Club at 102 East Magnolia in Burbank.
And if you mention your medical marijuana card or the Jimmy Door show, you get in two for one about that.
Okay, so I'll see you next Thursday there.
And until then, be the best you can be.
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