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Dec. 28, 2019 - The Delingpod - James Delingpole
57:19
Delingpod 50: 2019 Christmas Special
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Time Text
Music Ho, ho, ho. ho, ho.
Welcome to The Delling Pod with me, James Dellingpole, and my guest, my Yuletide guest, because this is a Christmas special, Dick Dellingpole.
*Sings* There's a dog down there making noise.
This one.
Hasn't he improved after a year, after you sat on him this time last year?
I finally got the measure of that dog.
When I arrived, he bit me, or he gnawed me with his dangerous vampire.
And it's because, like sharks, he has no legs.
No.
So therefore he has to use his mouth.
He's got legs, sir.
He's got four of them.
So that analogy doesn't quite work.
No, no.
But apart from that...
No, he does like to say hello with his mouth, just let me.
But he's been very well behaved, and so don't bother him.
Stop poking.
When I laughed earlier on, in a natural, carefree way, he barked at me.
Orca, that's going to become annoying really quickly.
If this is going to be a stupid dog cast, I'm out now.
That's better.
I'm not saying that my dog's any better, but at least my dog isn't here.
Yeah, but you're in a natural family scenario here.
And look, we've got a Christmas tree, we've got dogs.
It's almost as if a real family lives here.
Talking of Christmas trees, was your Christmas tree, by any chance, featured in the Daily Mirror?
You mean, do I have a famous Christmas tree?
Yeah, do you have a famous Christmas tree?
No, I don't, because only you are allowed famous Christmas trees.
Well, I'm glad you raised the subject of famous Christmas trees, because I do have a famous Christmas tree.
That was a ridiculous thing to happen to you of all people.
I have to say...
Normally, I disapprove of these articles based on one person's tweet.
Like, for example, the woman who complained that one of the Mr.
Men series was sexist, or the characters of Mansplaining.
Complete non-story based on one person's tweet.
Yeah.
And I deplore this, but when I read this story in the mirror, I thought this was a wise and sensible story.
About a man who'd mistakenly bought a slightly larger Christmas tree than he might have done.
Anyway, you get the famous Christmas tree, I get a...
Not even a real Christmas tree.
Anyway, we're here in lovely Worcester.
And we've got presents.
Can the camera see the presents?
I hope the camera can see the presents, because there's a pile of them.
They are from our various, well, special friends.
Well-wishers and special friends.
This is a new thing this year, which needs a little bit of introduction to the uninitiated.
I think it's like...
What's that incredible Anglo-Saxon treasure?
The Staffordshire Hoard.
The Staffordshire Hoard.
This is the kind of thing that might have been unearthed in the Staffordshire Hoard.
I think I saw something very similar in the Staffordshire Hoard.
That special Anglo-Saxon enamel work with gold.
Yes, filigree.
Filigree.
Filigree work.
And imagine if you could buy these things.
Well, surely they'd be snapped up.
They would be, I imagine.
I mean, imagine if they were for sale at £25, including posting.
That's ridiculously cheap, isn't it?
What would you be doing if you saw such badges on offer on the internet?
Well, first of all, I think, what does this badge tell people when I wear it?
What does it say to the world?
It could mean a number of things.
SF. It could mean obviously Sinn Féin.
I don't think that's very likely.
Science fiction.
Science fiction.
Another one somebody suggested was silly fucker, but that would be rude.
Yeah.
Shit face.
Shit face.
But actually it stands for Special Friend.
And there is only one.
Although, conveniently, there are more than one badges.
Well, the Special Friend has many avatars.
There's only one Special Friend.
It's a bit like, I imagine the Hindu gods, don't they have avatars and things?
That sort of thing, probably.
I think we're already getting out of our depth here.
But basically, if our special friend wants one of these badges, they should contact you via one of the many social media routes that they can visit.
Well, I thought the obvious place is delingpolworld.com, which is maintained for me by Ramspace.
And Ramspace has to...
He's Canadian, and he has to live in the backwoods of Canada because otherwise...
I mean, maintaining my podcast would be considered so dangerous.
No one can get it.
He's got a secret ex-nuclear bunker, hasn't he?
I don't know, because we've never met.
But I imagine he's got so much weaponry.
And imagine a lot of turrets rising out of the ground with machine guns.
Are you thinking about Verdun?
That sort of thing, yeah.
I would imagine that he's got a BAR. I would have thought he's probably got at least a couple of 50 cals.
I like the idea that he might have a Shawshat in there somewhere.
What's that?
That's the light machine gun that the French developed mid-World War I. And was it a good machine gun?
It's legendarily bad, but actually...
So why would he have a legendary...
This actually gets me onto one of the subjects that I wanted to talk about.
Have you prepared this?
Well, no, but it's...
favourite podcasts.
Oh, yeah.
Obviously, one of my favourites is...
Is the Delling Pod.
Yeah.
But I really like the Ewan Tobes one, London Calling.
London Calling.
I'm only a relatively recent convert to that.
Who is this Tobes character?
I really quite like Toby Young, I'm sorry to say.
No, no, no.
Actually, I am warming to Tobes.
I mean, it's taken me some time, given that I've known him since the 1980s.
But, yeah, I do.
It's like when you find a wounded baby hedgehog crawling around, and your first instinct is to put it out of its misery.
Because what can you do for a baby?
And also, they've got loads of fleas on them.
But I put the baby hedgehog...
In a shoebox with wrapped up bog paper and stuff.
I know they like that.
And I fed it little drips of milk.
And gradually the baby hedgehog has come to life.
You're going to have the Hedgehog Society on to you.
You're not meant to give them milk, apparently.
I think cat food is acceptable, but I think milk is meant to be...
I'll tell you who else will have one to me.
Tom Holland.
Tom Holland is the biggest hedgehog obsessive on social media.
And he's of the view that the reason the hedgehogs are dying...
It's because man's inhumanity to hedgehog.
Not badgers.
It's badgers.
Everyone knows.
Anyone who knows anything about nature knows it's badgers.
Badgers and gypsies.
They bake them in clay and then all the spines come off.
Allegedly.
We were going to talk about the Shawshat light machine gun.
Do you know what?
I bet people were sitting there thinking, why are they not talking about the Shawshat light machine gun?
How do they get onto hedgehogs?
So, forgottenweapons.com.
And you know about Gun Jesus.
You've mentioned Gun Jesus.
Well, he's Ian McCollum or someone like that.
I forget his actual name.
He's on the internet.
He's on the internet.
He looks a bit like Jesus and he knows everything about guns.
And each episode is an in-depth...
Overview of this gun.
He'll take it apart.
He'll fire it on a range.
It's brilliant.
And the one on the Shawshap, basically, he fires a complete magazine.
It's got a large semicircular magazine.
Very idiosyncratic-looking gun.
And he says, look, it's really not a bad gun.
Like a lot of guns, it's just...
They get a bad rep.
Which was a bit like segueing into...
Because I presume we're going to discuss that in previous podcasts and stuff.
Well, we can do that now.
Because we've strayed so far off the script already.
Can I mention the one that we probably already mentioned?
But the one I did with James Holland was quite useful.
You know what?
He's not on there.
Because I think he came pre-podcast live.
But he corrected the misconception that all the best weaponry was German.
And it wasn't.
No.
For example, the Spandau's, the MG42's, with their melting barrels on D-Day.
They weren't, they're just kind of the mowing down troop machine that we think of, saving private run.
Right.
But there was that one chap, apparently, who just emptied tray upon tray of bullets onto the troops.
Are you bringing your I Reckon views compared with James Holland's knowledgeable views?
I will leave James Holland as the...
Arbiter.
Arbiter on this one.
Let's go with most recent...
That I've got down here.
Will Happer, physicist.
How good was it to get Professor Will Happer?
Well, you got him in...
You went to Madrid, didn't you?
I went to Madrid, yeah.
I was hoping to catch a glimpse of Greta.
Greta Thornberry.
Thornberry, isn't it?
I was hoping that she was going to say, how dare you write watermelons?
That would be better than having a Christmas tree in the Daily Mirror.
Steady, Dick.
You don't really get much better than having your Christmas Eve.
Okay, but having Greta say, how dare you, to your face.
Yeah.
It would be a bit like having Dwarf Bercow shout order for you.
Funnily enough, on the libertarian walk, which I've just been on, I actually had to tell off our father.
He was saying order in Italian, and it was really annoying.
He can do annoying things.
I just thought, I know leftists will say, oh, you were triggered, but just like, Like, why would you be reminded of that?
Of Burka, when you're having a nice walk on the Malden.
How was the walk, by the way?
It was nice.
We arrived late.
As if you won't.
Unfortunately, my cameraman arrived at the house late because he couldn't find it.
You can't get the stuff.
Don't break the third wall by looking at it.
No, I'm not going to break...
I don't know where to look now.
I haven't even mentioned the third wall.
It's like the elephant in the room that you can't see.
The lurcher.
The lurcher in the room, yeah.
Okay, Will Happer.
You grabbed him while you were off to see Greta.
I saw Will Happer there, and he was...
You knew who he was before you...
Oh, totally, totally.
And he knew who I was.
I mean, he's a lovely man.
And of course, uber bright.
For example, he was reading...
He was reading...
War and Peace or something similar in the Russian.
It's the only way, really, isn't it?
That's the thing about these mega, mega scientists.
I mean, he invented the Death Star or something similar.
He was on Bush Senior's weapons programme.
And he devised this thing to enable lasers to operate in space and shoot things out.
Right, because Reagan had done Star Wars.
Yeah, yeah.
So he had to do the difference.
This man...
We're on the sceptical side of the argument.
We're often told that we don't have any science.
We're anti-science.
But he was a guy who's quite good at science...
Big guns like him.
...who thinks that global warming is a scam.
Yeah.
So that was good.
Before that, Dominic.
Dominic Frisbee.
Talking not about Bitcoin...
Or any of his musical things.
He's a thingy.
Polemicist.
Renaissance man, isn't he?
He's got a little bit of everything on the go, hasn't he?
This has been Dominique Frisby's Annus Mirabilis because his libertarian love songs were fantastic.
Not just...
17 million fuck-offs, but all his other songs, the one based on two lovely black eyes which people were humming earlier on.
The Maybe song.
The Maybe song.
With all its verses, some of which he treated us to at Podcast Live, which was great.
Absolutely.
And his brilliant book.
On the history of taxation, which I don't want to ruin in surprises, but maybe one of your surprises.
Oh, good.
It's fantastic.
I can't recommend it highly enough.
So, Dom, yeah.
Dom, before that you had Trini, and you talked about makeup.
Which really isn't my thing.
No.
Look, I love Trini.
I've known her for quite a long time, when they were Trini and Tranny, the double act, with Susanna Constantine.
And I see her now with her man, Charles Saatchi.
In fact, my only social life is occasionally I get invited to London to have dinner at the restaurant Charles goes to, and it's great, you know.
And I thought she'd be good on the podcast because A, she's easy in the eye.
And B, I think what she's done is extraordinary.
She's built up the beginnings of a massive cosmetics empire.
And she gives hope to all of us who hit middle age and think we're not going to amount to anything.
I mean, I still haven't.
But she's going to be a billionaire, I reckon.
And I really admire her.
She did slap me.
I think that was a bad call.
I don't think I deserved to be slapped.
I just referred to women as a different species, which they are.
And I thought she'd go along with that, and she didn't.
Now everyone's going to watch it for the slap because it was a video.
There were some moments...
The worst response is from people who said, look, this is so off-brand.
Why are you doing this, woman?
And other people said, oh, it's fantastic.
You've really changed.
People do want you to do the thing that they want you to do, though, don't they?
They do.
They want you to be Mr.
Climate Change or they want you to be Mr.
Right-wing.
Yeah, which is so boring.
I'm a man of so many parts.
Daniel Hannan.
Do you know, I almost forgot I'd done Dan, because it was so fleeting.
It was fleeting, but it was very good.
And the thing I like about Daniel Hannan is when occasionally you think, well, actually, he's a bit of a Tory.
He's a bit straight-laced.
He's not quite one of us.
When you see him talk, You realise he kind of is.
He really comes across so personable and he's got a lovely talking voice.
And he's chilled and...
Well, talking about brands, I mean, Dan is...
There are certain people who, fairly early on in life, decide who they are and understand how to present themselves.
Boris Johnson is one.
Boris Johnson is a Self-creation, but the moment where he created himself is so far back, you couldn't pinpoint it.
So he was already like that at Oxford?
He was like that at Oxford.
There's going to be nobody in Boris's past who's going to say, oh, I remember you when you were, I don't know, when you were...
Really studious and serious.
Yeah, and spoken in a sort of silly camp voice and did really bad, I don't know, Nenny Henry impersonations.
I don't think there was ever a faith like that, a dark past.
Boris has always been Boris.
I suspect Dan, pretty much.
I missed the opportunity to take...
I wanted to take the piss a bit more, because Dan is teetering on the edge of a kind of...
Well, no, more of a sort of parody of himself.
And I... Let me...
Enough of that.
I was just being insightful then.
We weren't talking about you anyway.
We were talking about Daniel Hannan.
Yeah, quite.
I think Dan needs more teasing.
I think he definitely needs more teasing.
Well, he's probably not in an environment where he gets much because he's kind of within the establishment.
Yeah.
So Dan, we love Dan.
I think he's one of the reasons we're out of the EU. No, like a lot of people, we're going to be one of the semi-unsung here.
Orca, could you leave the room, please?
She wants to know why Lemmy gets to be here.
No dog understands the instruction.
Can you leave the room, please?
That's not a dog.
She's walking out.
Yeah, she's being helped out by the fourth wall.
Should we break this off and talk briefly about the tea we're drinking?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
It actually is.
It's part of one of the gifts, and I know what one of the gifts is.
You did a call out for gifts, and while this is still warm, we are drinking our favourite twist teas.
Now, twist teas have been a friend of the podcast for a while.
When you initially asked, can people send us free stuff, twist teas stepped up to it.
They stepped up to the plate, and they've continually stayed on that plate, if that's what...
Well, they've been sending me a different tea every month, which is one of the things you can sign up for.
And they would have done it to me as well, but I didn't sign the form.
You idiot.
It's such a good thing to get a little box.
And you can go online and say which of the teas you want which month.
And you can go for all the same one if you like.
But at the moment, we are on...
You're on Afternoon Perks, a light-bodied blend with functional herbs for an energy boost at any time of the day.
Now, I've got the same sort of thing but Earl Great, which is a light, delicate blend with functional herbs to boost mental performance.
That's why we're so sharp right now.
I'm certainly feeling very sharp.
Can we open the present now?
This was the big package of Twist.
We can be surprised by it, can't we?
So we absolutely love Twist Tees.
James and Dick, do you want to open that?
You can read...
Oh, look at this!
Dick!
How are we going to decide what you have or what I have?
Well, we're going to fight over it after.
They're probably individually named.
Dear James and Dick, very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from all the Twist team.
Can I just say to all of them, but thank you Twist.
You are lovely people.
People involved in various forms of...
Food manufacturer.
I'm thinking of artisanal products rather than kind of mass-produced nonsense.
Let this be a lesson to you.
This is the kind of bigging up you get when you send us the...
I wanted some black pudding.
I wanted some foie gras.
I don't like black pudding and I probably wouldn't eat foie gras.
But that's the kind of stuff...
Actually, talking of other products...
Oh my god, that was frightening.
That was so frightening.
Oh, look what we've got.
He's going away in disguise.
Here we are.
That's yours.
Oh, there's mine.
We like this as well.
This.
Oh, you got one of these last game.
We kind of fought about it.
Oh, I know.
Mmm, shiny.
Fisher's Gin.
It is actually really good, this one.
It's a beautiful bottle.
And they're based in Olderburg, Suffolk.
Oldburgh.
The thing is, Dick, yes.
Oldburgh.
I've never heard of Oldburgh.
I'm sorry.
Oldburgh.
It's where Benjamin Britten and Peter Pears lived.
And where there is a statue, I think, on the beach of Elizabeth Frink or something.
Doesn't Craig Brown live there, I think?
You're the bright one.
I'm quite happy to be the thick brother.
The point about freebies is that one feels on a bound to say that this gin is really nice, but actually, even if it...
In a crowded market...
It's really nice.
Right.
Good.
Well, that's those two.
Let's just finish off...
The list.
We'll have to work through them quite quickly.
Two or three sentence answers on these.
Roger Morehouse, war historian, and you talked about...
Get the book for Christmas.
Poland in World War II, really interesting.
Reminds you that the commies were just as evil as the Nazis.
Let's not forget that.
Stalin and Hitler were...
What's the phrase?
Two cheeks of the same arse.
Two cheeks of the same arse, exactly.
Alexander Adams.
Yes.
Talking about the culture wars.
Alexander Adams has written a book about, whose name I forget, but Google it, or it's mentioned on the podcast, which is as good in its way as Douglas Murray's.
It just covers how the social justice warrior left has infiltrated our culture on every level, particularly in the world of the arts.
When I looked up who he was, I had a quick blast of the podcast again.
He's another one who talks really nicely.
He's got a really good talking voice and he was very personal.
Before that you had James Lovelock, the wonderful, hugely famous and Gaia theory-creating James Lovelock.
He's probably my oldest podcast guest.
He was 100 this year, which is his 100th birthday.
You're not going to top that, are you?
Well, if I find a 110-year-old...
How many of those do you know?
Yeah, but if I found one, I would top it.
He was good anyway, yeah.
Before that, Ian Dale, another good speaker.
Yeah!
And I actually warmed to Ian Dale on that because, you know, he's never really come up on my radar because he's a bit...
Well, because he's dangerously left-wing, by our standards.
Right.
But, no, I thought it was a very good chap.
He was good.
He took all the jibes very well.
He took the piss taken out of him really well.
I discovered recently he was gay.
Did you know that he was gay?
I had no idea.
Right, is this another one...
If I can't tell when you're being serious, how does anyone have a chance?
Oh, that's the thing I wanted to talk to you about, Tim.
I've been quite...
You know I model myself on Israel in terms of my mass retaliation.
I just don't take any shit.
People have noticed that about your retribution on Twitter.
When you visit your wrath on people, you're quite uncompromising.
It's the wrath of...
Well, I'm not called Khan, otherwise it would be the wrath of Khan.
The wrath of James.
No, it's true.
I don't know what it is.
Maybe it's because I think the Lyme disease did actually make me go a bit mental.
And I think part of the legacy of my period of psychosis I do get bouts of quite, I can be quite aggressive, but I think I've mostly got over that.
So I think what it, maybe the aggression is within me anyway, but I don't like people criticising me, if they're fans of mine.
I don't see why you should say nasty things about it.
I only want nice things.
So for example, I tweeted out something rude about cyclists.
You know, saying how everyone on my safe driving course...
Yeah, yeah, and you said, but the one thing I did learn was the common enemy...
Is psychics, and everyone said that.
Well, it seems a reasonable thing to say.
And somebody said, I'm a special friend, and they had a go at me for this.
And I thought, well, you're not a special friend, and I'm blocking you.
In the same way, when I tweeted out my requests for my Christmas gifts, I mean, and where is my horse?
Nobody sent me a horse.
I've just looked at those presents there and there's not a horse-shaped one there.
I want a hunter and still, there must be some millionaire.
I mean, well, you'd have to be a billionaire, wouldn't you?
Where would you keep it?
Well, I would imagine that my billionaire special friend would pay for the stabling and the grooms, sexy grooms.
One of them would be called Araminta, and the other one would be called...
Philippa?
Philippa, yeah.
She would be called Philippa, yeah.
And they would look after my horse, who would be called...
Um...
Dasher.
Magnifico.
Magnifico, he would be called.
Right, look, we're going to have to move on.
Okay, sorry.
This was a conversation about Ian Dale and how you deal with dissent.
We like Ian, yes.
Mike Schellenberger, converted greenie.
Who was great.
Still a little bit green.
I'm accused of not having enough left-wing people on the podcast.
Mike is a Democrat, a registered Democrat, and he's a green.
And yet I had him on the podcast, and we didn't fight.
In fact, we loved each other.
In fact, it was almost a kind of man-love thing going on.
Like Ian Dale.
Like, but not like.
Like Douglas Murray, but not like Douglas Murray.
All the best people are gay these days.
I know.
We should convert.
Do you think we'd get to shag our wives still?
It'd be bi, and that's really cool as well, isn't it?
Last one was Podcast Live, which was great fun.
Who was that?
Who was my guest there?
Your friend who's not your special friend.
No, your guest who's not your special guest.
That was good.
Now...
I've got a yes-no game here.
We can either do that or we can pick one of my cards.
But if we do yes-no, then we've got it done and I can put the book down.
Yeah, yeah, okay.
Right, you ready?
Yeah.
Now, it's got a Yuletide twist to it.
Oh!
Yeah?
So this is Christmas special.
I find it quite challenging, this game.
I always fear if I get the answer wrong.
There's very few that you could slip up on this.
Terry Christian.
No.
Tom Hollander.
No, that's sad.
He's a good actor.
And possibly quite a nice chap.
Yes, I bet he is.
Hugh Grant.
No.
Dancer.
Is that a reindeer?
Yeah.
I told you I had a Christmas twist.
Prancer.
Yes.
Donner.
Yes.
Blitzkrieg.
I like Blitzkrieg.
It sounds my favourite reindeer.
Nigel Farage.
Yes.
He's not a reindeer, but he's a yes.
Lawrence Fox.
Yes, Lawrence Fox.
He's so hot right now.
He should be on the podcast.
He is really putting it out there, isn't he?
Lozza.
We love the loz.
Lily Allen, regular guest on the Yes No Game.
Do you know?
I've never heard of her.
Ever.
She's deleted her Twitter account.
That would be why.
I've never heard of her.
I've been meaning to put this person on for a while.
Emily Hewiston.
Yeah, Emily Hewitson.
She's a near-neighbour of yours, apparently.
She shares an MP with you.
A big county, though, but yeah.
But in a year, she's gone from no-one had heard of her to making a comment on Question Time as a guest, and she's now got 58,000 Twitter posts.
Do you know why?
Because she's hot and conservative.
Yeah, because she's fit.
And that's...
I approve...
I like a world where...
Hot and conservative is a fantastic combination.
Yeah.
Morrissey.
Again, a regular guest on the yes-no game, but I think it's worth mentioning.
Has he ever been a no?
He's never been a no.
He's a yes, he's so yes.
He can come out with the most outrageous opinions, and yet he'll always be a yes.
Remembering the Christmas theme, Sleepy.
He's one of the dwarves, I think.
The drawers don't go at Christmas.
I'm saying no.
All right.
Bashful.
No.
Dopey.
No.
Well, I don't know.
It depends.
You're warming to dopey, aren't you?
I'm warming to dopey.
Well, it depends on what he's going to be...
Lemmy.
Yeah.
Leading on naturally, John Bercow.
Recently described by journalist James Dellingpole as the noisome dwarf creature...
I'm surprised I wasn't picked up on that one.
You still might be.
I still might be, especially now you've broadcast it on this popular podcast.
By the way, I'm not getting at dwarves, I'm just getting at dwarf preachers.
No, nothing against dwarves.
Dwarves are quite seasonal though, aren't they?
They are.
Surely.
Panto.
Panto, yeah.
There's the theme.
Richard Osman.
What, from Countdown?
Yeah.
I so want to like him.
You so want him to be a yes and time and again he's a no.
Owen Jones.
Ah.
Almost yes for the pleasure he's given us by his total humiliation.
I think he is a gift that keeps on giving, isn't he?
Tiny Tim.
Remember the Christmas theme?
Yeah, but bastard.
Wasn't he Scrooge's enemy?
Was he the enemy?
No, I think tiny...
Yes to tiny...
Here's a good one.
We've only got four more names.
Roger Hallam.
I'm going to wait a while for you to realise...
Yeah, he's the guy who founded Extinction Rebellion.
I mean, he's absolutely...
I call him Climate Charles Manson.
Sorry, guys.
That's 30 minutes to camera time now.
So...
Roger Hallam.
Lovely, charming, lovable, cuddly...
Cuddly, eco-fascist, climate Charles Manson.
So he's a...
Now, I did a little bit of research into him.
He's got a lovely book out with a snappy title.
You ready for this?
Yeah, you tell me.
Common sense for the 21st century.
Only non-violent rebellion can stop climate breakdown and social collapse.
Sounds brilliant, doesn't it?
It is.
I like the non-violent bit.
I don't believe it.
I don't believe it for a moment.
He really sends shivers down my spine in a bad way.
Yeah.
Um, Sacha Baron Cohen.
Yeah, that's sad, isn't it?
No.
Another one who's got it completely wrong.
And you know what?
I didn't think much of his Spy in Syria series either.
I don't think I even saw that.
The Dear Departed David Bellamy.
How do you say yes in a kind of rotacism way?
When you pronounce your R's, it's not called lisping, it's called rotacism.
Really, really.
Jonathan Ross has got it as well.
Anyway.
A resounding, yes.
Right.
And the last one I put there, I was trying to look for her name.
Naomi...
Zypt.
That was the girl, the anti-Greta that I met in Madrid.
And she's, I think, 19.
But she's...
Greta has been fated.
She's met the Pope.
She gets to go on a carbon non-neutral yacht across the Atlantic and back.
And Naomi just gets rape threats from Antifa for being a skeptic.
So I know which girl I think is the braver.
Absolutely.
Well, that's the Yes No Game Christmas Special.
Yeah.
And, yeah, I can...
Well, that's lighten the mood, isn't it?
Rape Threats from Antifa.
So, I think we ought to lighten the mood by opening a present.
Opening a present or two.
I think that big one.
That big one?
Yeah.
Is this to me or you?
I think it's to both of us.
Isn't it a game?
Is that from Doreen?
Dick and James have a wonderful Christmas.
Lots of love from special friend number three.
Oh!
Oh my god!
When you did the badges at Podcast Live, Dorinda was up there like a flash.
What I wouldn't give to have a special friend...
I think I'm number one.
You're number one, I'm number two.
But that makes it very...
You get a special friend free badge.
After her woke game...
A brilliant game, yes.
Which we've still got to get onto the market.
Shit Santa.
Shit Santa.
And it's very simple, apparently.
Silly old Santa has been on the sherry and muddled up the name tags on everyone's Christmas stockings.
Can you save Christmas by studying the contents and figuring out who the stockings are for?
Award yourself the Werther's Original every time you identify the correct recipient.
It's amazing that this woman is not in the games industry.
Dorinda is endlessly hilarious, dry as a bone, and a great addition to the third Wednesday gang, which of course we'll be taking part in later on.
A tin of snuff.
Oh, we've just got to lift the flaps.
A box set of Peaky Blinders.
Oh, it's in the stuff I see.
So that's Jacob Rismorgue.
Is it going to lift the flap?
Yes.
I've seen it.
The thing is, I don't understand.
Oh, I see.
Jess Phillips.
Box set of Peaky Blinders.
Okay, this is quite good.
So you've got a guess.
Yeah, this is quite good, but I'm not sure we've got the banana with, for God's sake, shut up, written on the side.
Oh, what's her name?
Megan.
She wrote bananas to prostitutes.
Megan Markle.
An appropriately sized Christmas tree.
Who could that be?
I don't know.
Somebody very famous.
It's only James Dellingpole.
Oh great.
That is good.
I've got that now.
But you get a Werther's.
Yeah, yeah.
Very good.
Well done, Dorinda.
Thank you.
Shit, Santa.
Shall we do another game while we're there?
Well, this is from...
This is for me.
It's got a wind turbine drawn beautifully.
Back-chomping, bird-slicing, eco-crucifix.
Enjoy some non-lefty music.
This is from another Third Wednesday regular.
But...
Are we allowed to mention his name because he's...
Well, I don't know whether he would prefer to go by his Twitter handle or prefer to go by his musical handle.
Let's go with the musical one because it's Dave.
Dave.
You'll never know.
Dave Hampson.
And apparently it sounds like Genesis.
He's a bit of a...
Presumably early Genesis.
He's kind of a prog rock guy, but he does all this, plays all the instruments, got his own studio.
No, he's made notes.
He's put pro-capital punishment...
Too Soft on Youth Crime, Pro-Nuclear, Anti-AGW Nonsense, and then the final one is Supper's Ready Stroke PJ Harvey.
That's ticking all the boxes, isn't it?
It ticks all the boxes.
I like that a lot.
Thank you.
Thank you, Dave.
And look, a book each.
I know this one...
Hang on, that's for me, that's for you.
That's from me.
And this is the one that you've told me is for me.
If this is about tanks or something...
Well look, this is the Dominic book, so we've already talked about it, but thank you for that.
Dick, with this, with this panse...
We've read two really good British-based memoirs of my time in tanks.
You were in tanks?
This is a German one.
No, this is a German one.
He starts the war in a Panzer II and ends up commanding a Koenigstiger.
A Koenigstiger.
At Normandy.
God, he looks...
I mean, say what you like about the Germans.
They did...
They look very cool.
That is really good.
The slick back hair, you know, would be full of tank grease.
Dick, thank you for this book.
Well, I've got Dominic's book.
I so recommend it, and I'm not just saying that because he's a mate, and because I like his beard and his songs.
There was something in here that really, really, really shocked me, which is that it was about the NHS. I've got to the age now where you have to lift up your glasses when you look in books.
Was that all bifocals?
Do you know what?
I went to the opticians and they told me to get some bifocals.
I haven't got the money.
I've got no sodding money at the moment.
I'm absolutely skinned.
I think it's having kids at university.
I'm not grumbling about it.
I'm not saying...
Well, actually, I am saying give me some money.
But...
The NHS will account by 2023 for 38% Of GDP, of Britain's GDP. I'm still slightly astonished by this, but he has footnoted it, so maybe it's correct.
38% of our economy will be the NHS. And as we know, people who work into the NHS, it's like a madrasa for leftists, in the same way that the BBC is, in the same way as the schools and colleges are.
So we've got these propaganda organisations...
They're self-perpetuating, aren't they?
Yeah.
So I don't know what we're going to do about that.
I think this could be the last Conservative government ever we have.
Well, hopefully we'll be long gone by the time the left is firmly embedded.
But what about our kids' generation?
I'm not long gone.
Okay, so I'm mid-50s.
You're roughly the same.
Okay, how long is this Tory regime going to last?
Well, it's not going to last 1,000 years, is it?
And that's what I was planning on lasting.
It's going to be 10 years, and by then...
So you're planning on being dead at 65?
No, I'm not planning on being dead at 62, it would be.
But...
I think a lot will change by then, and the whole thing will turn on its head.
Right.
Because this next generation...
We know Generation Z is that much better than...
No, that's just a myth.
No?
They're all bloody leftists.
All the kids are leftists.
They all...
You don't hold that hope for Generation Z being better than the millennials?
I think that was a meme, that Generation Z is sound.
I've seen no evidence for that.
Okay, so some of the kids definitely are on our side and are good at making Pepe the Frog memes and stuff, but I'm not sure that they constitute...
Surely when they start paying taxes, they can't be happy with the idea that 38% is GDP. That theory is gone as well.
I'm afraid to say that people who've gone to college and had all their intelligence educated out of them with gender studies and critical theory and stuff, they stay that way.
They don't find they're in a conservative position.
I'm slightly more hopeful than you.
I mean, I've seen one or two come through where I work and they change fairly rapidly with a bit of light bants and general piss-taking and realising what the real world is like and that facts don't care about your feelings and that sort of thing.
I hope you're right.
I hope I'm right because otherwise there is no bloody hope at all.
Do you want to pick a card?
We can do another present in a bid.
Pick a card, any card.
These are my...
Shiny cards.
What guess could Father Christmas bring you for next year's Dellingpot?
Well it's bloody obvious.
Magnific...
Magnifico?
Your horse?
My hunter.
I want...
They won't make a very good podcast guest.
It'd be bloody brilliant.
Can you imagine a horse in your sitting room?
It'd be bloody incredible.
If you've got enough trouble with the lurcher.
Magnifico, I think, is...
Can we have Philippa?
I think he's a sport...
Oh, Philippa.
Philippa the groom.
Can we spank Philippa the groom?
Can we just...
Philippa is going to bring in...
What was the other one called?
Is her hair quite short in that way we used to like it on girls?
Sort of straight but short.
Is it?
Or is it a bob?
It's a bob, yeah.
It's a bob, yeah.
But she wears jodhpas all the time.
She does.
She has to wear jodhpas.
I mean, that's part of her job description.
And boots.
So Magnifico is, I believe, I'm told that I need a sporting horse, which I think is a combination of an Irish draft and something a bit racier.
You completely lost me on the horses.
I don't know anything about horses.
So that...
Different varieties of weed.
No, these are guests for your podcast.
Oh, guests!
Sorry, as I said, guests!
Guests!
You're bringing in a bloody horse.
You weren't telling me what it was.
It was wistful thinking.
You're off on one about weed.
Well, we got Philippa in, didn't we?
That's why I wanted Philippa.
Okay.
Who do we want?
Silly son.
I want...
You know, my favourite black American economist philosopher, Thomas Sowell.
Right, yeah.
Thomas Sowell.
I want to get...
Before he goes, greatest theoretical physicist, Freeman Dyson.
I want to get him.
I want to get, there's quite a few people, Lawrence Fox.
I want to get James Dreyfuss, who we failed this year.
There's loads of people, and they should contact me.
And some people have arranged podcasts with me, and then I've forgotten about them, because I'm not very organized.
Because you are.
Because I'm just crap.
You are crap.
So yeah, so that would be good.
Um, let's do...
Oh, and Trump.
Trump.
Donald Trump.
Donald Trump.
That's great.
Busy at the moment.
Or Woody, though, actually.
Woody.
I'm not sure how much he'd play the game.
That's for you.
From Adam.
Adam.
Who is another one of the Third Wednesday gang.
He's got his cycling gloves.
He's got his cycling gloves.
What?
Oh!
I think he thought you could...
No!
Highequestrian.com Well, they're for hunting.
Oh my god!
They are actual...
Let's see, has he got my hand size?
He has as well.
Oh, my goodness.
Well done, Adam.
That is good.
I would have guessed these weren't riding gloves, but they obviously are, because they call...
Well, he gets to see your little face light up from the reflection on the...
But you're not allowed to go hunting, are you?
It's a sore point and it's going to change.
When I become very rich, I'm going to get given...
With a hunter, yeah.
And you can't...
It's like if somebody gave you a bicycle and they said, you can only keep it in your bike rack at home.
You'd go, no.
A bicycle's for riding.
In the same way, if you had a hunter...
Yeah, you'd have to go hunting.
Yeah, so I don't know.
Well, that's the present.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you, Adam.
Well, you can thank him later on because we're seeing him for drinks.
It's going to be a good night tonight because the libertarian drinks thing has gone so well.
We're going to go nationwide with it.
We're going to brand it hashtag third Wednesday and try to get anyone living in any town, preferably to choose a Wetherspoons and meat on the third Wednesday.
You say that, Dick.
You say that.
Not that I'm disagreeing with you, but I think Toby and I are going to be doing a tour, I think.
Right.
Next year, 2020.
Pubs and clubs?
There could be a kind of symbiosis there.
Right, yeah.
That sounds exactly the sort of thing people would turn out for.
I know Toby's fans are mostly kind of liberal Democrats, aren't they?
But...
And the election has just shown how many of those are around.
Yeah, exactly.
But I think the libertarians who come and see me will want to have a piss-up afterwards.
Yeah.
Good.
Yeah, well, let's make it happen next year.
But hashtag third Wednesday.
Hashtag third Wednesday.
Third Wednesday.
Yeah.
Oh, look, look.
Look!
What?
How the three is also a W. Of what?
Sort of.
Oh!
You're starting to die.
My design instincts are...
West Midlands posse.
Careful there.
You might do a...
What do they call it?
Racist...
White power.
White power.
That is the symbol of the great...
Do you...
Do you remember at scout camp when somebody put a swastika flag on top of the bonfire?
I mean, as you do when you're 9 or 10 or 11.
Well, we got away with a lot more in that age.
And the headmaster said, he was really...
Who did that?
Who did that?
That is the symbol of the greatest evil ever.
He did like Sauron, didn't he?
He looked like Sauron as well.
But yeah, that was...
Remember when I had an Imperial War Museum poster in our dorm?
Yes.
He made me take that down because it was a Nazi thing with...
There's a theme there.
Der Sieg wird unser Sein.
Sein, yeah.
Sein.
Again, he gave the Nazis a bad speech.
And I didn't have it up there because I was a raging Nazi.
I just thought...
He's like the iconography.
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah, I know.
But, yeah, it didn't go down very well.
We won.
We won.
People watching this are going to be, see that Dellingpole, he's a wrong and was always a wrong, always was a Nazi.
Yeah.
The photoshopping Hitler thing was just part of a...
That has still been used...
Even now that is used as evidence against you, isn't it?
That you were at the Nuremberg rally in your multiply...
Look, there he is with Hitler!
That is how...
This is one thing I really hope is going to end with the Boris Johnson era.
The left just dogpiling people like us are the most...
The flimsiest of pretexts.
It's like...
You know, we're not Nazis.
We're really not.
We're kind of, well, fox hunting, dope smoking, in my case, almost.
Classical liberals at worst.
Yeah, classical liberals at worst.
We want a smaller government, not a bigger government.
And we like Jews.
In fact, we love Jews.
We love Jews.
In fact, do you know my fantasy?
All to do with Israel.
When we are successful, I know I keep talking about this moment, and it doesn't arrive.
When we are successful, I want Dick and James go to Israel.
And do you know what we're going to do?
What would that be?
What?
We're going to...
We're going to hang out with Doron from Fauda.
Right, right.
We're going to get some tips on how to be...
I want one of those massive berets that the Israeli army wear.
Have you seen those?
We're going to go out on patrol with one of those, like, beret...
Beret type things.
With the IDF girls.
Yeah.
Oh.
Again, conservative and hot.
Yeah.
We're going to have Krav Maga or Krav Maga.
What's that?
You know, the Israeli martial art.
Okay.
We'll eat falafels.
That's not jiu-jitsu.
No, we'll eat lots of nice food.
That's a joke.
Cosmopolitan food.
Terrible joke.
That's a terrible joke.
Yeah, that is like jiu-jitsu, yeah.
Cosmopolitan food, like Ottolenghi, because I think he's from Israel.
I thought that was a dish.
No, no, it's really nice.
It's mainly vegetarian, but don't hold that against you.
Oh!
Oh?
I wonder if there's time to talk about my vegan horror story.
Go on, vegan horror story.
Okay.
So, I was sitting around with the wife, with the fawn, wondering what to watch on Netflix.
And I put on Vampire Wars.
Vampire Wars?
I think it's called Vampire Wars.
Really?
Yeah.
And she said, is this a horror film?
I said, no, it's just a little bit more about vampires.
Vampires going to war.
It sounds like a horror film to me.
You know I don't like horror films.
I'm not watching.
And so I had no option.
You know what vibes are like.
So I had to turn on something.
We looked around and there was a thing called Game Changers.
Do you know about Game Changers?
Okay, so it starts off really well.
A guy teaching the U.S. Marines how to unarm combat.
And he's like only the world's...
He won the all-in fighting, like, killer, you know, whatever it's called, mixed martial arts, no-holds-barred fighting thing.
He's really good.
And he's from Saffron Walden.
He's middle class in English.
Anyway, so he takes you on this journey.
And then he introduces the theme that I used to be a meat-eater.
But then I started talking to all these top performing athletes, like the ultra long distance runner, the guy who beat the Irishman, Connor thingy in the mixed martial arts.
They're all vegans.
And then he gets to the stage where he shows that your erections Get longer lasting and bigger if you eat plant-based food.
Not what we would call vegan.
They've changed to plant-based to make it sound nice.
And we were just looking at each other, you know, you know, bigger erections, you know, not that I have any problem on that score, but we thought, you know, even bigger.
And we thought longer life, health, being a killer, being able to just, like, teach the Marines how to...
All the bells and whistles just for eating, not eating meat.
And the next day was a day when I normally have black pudding and bacon and egg and all this stuff.
Non-vegan.
And we decided we were going to eat...
We had porridge made with almond milk, which is what I have in the week as a legacy of the brief period when I was vegan.
And for the evening meal, we had more vegetables.
And so we were thinking, well, maybe no meat or less meat is the way forward.
And we lasted, I think, well, two days.
And then we just thought, sod this, we're going to have some meat again, because we'd had enough.
I mean, it really is boring eating plant-based food.
Anyway, we were getting really upset about this because we thought, what if we have to spend the rest of our life to be healthy and to get, you know, erections and stuff?
What if we have to eat plant-based food for the rest of our lives and hardly any meat?
Then we went to our gym trainer man and we asked him about this and he said, oh yeah, look, everyone's been watching this thing and everyone's been talking about it and going vegan.
But he said, actually, if you go on YouTube, you'll find it's, well, not debunked exactly, but quite a lot of people with vested interests in the pea protein industry, including Arnold Schwarzenegger, appear on this documentary singing the praises of...
And we were just so happy.
It was like...
You can have your meat back.
You can have your meat back.
And I just...
You'll never get that breakfast back when you could have had bacon and you had porridge.
I know, I know, I know.
But so...
And almost actually, wouldn't you rather die younger than have to eat...
Well, you know I live in a largely vegetarian household.
Most of my meals are veggie, and meat's a treat, and I'm happy that way.
I mean, tonight I've cooked this mac and cheese.
Yeah, but imagine if you couldn't eat cheese or...
Oh, no, forget it.
No amount of erections would ever...
According to this thing, like, dairy is the worst.
So you couldn't have your cheese, mac and cheese.
You couldn't have your...
That nice, posh milk that I always have with my homemade flat whites that I can't quite make, but, you know, the creamy...
What's it called?
I don't know.
Well, you know, what's the cow that makes golden milk?
Oh, well, the golden...
Jersey.
Jersey.
Okay, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
So, have we been festive enough?
Have we put the world to rights?
Yeah, I think we've...
I'm just slightly worried that we've just talked absolute bollocks for getting on for an hour.
That is the Dick and James podcast, though, isn't it?
Is that what people want?
It's when you start off talking about a sure-shat like Machine Gun and end up talking about hedgehogs within 30 seconds, that's Dick and James.
But do we think, I mean, apart from the person who's going to buy me Magnifico, I really think we need to put this...
We need a sponsor.
Proper...
Look, I'm sure there are really rich people who listen to this podcast.
I think we need a sponsor to make us...
Oh, yeah.
Like the man who speaks Russian who goes round with his camera.
Who goes round to the Eastern Bloc countries.
I haven't seen...
Cameraman, do you know this person?
Graham something.
It's called...
Woke...
No, broke...
Bald and broke.
Broke and bald?
I don't know.
Anyway, I think we could do...
I'm not going to go around the bloody eastern block.
No, we're going straight to Israel first off.
Yeah, Israel.
We'll go to nice...
I mean, I want to go to the Galapagos.
Dick and James go to the Galapagos and see sharks and marine iguanas.
We can dress up like Master and Commander.
I also want to do lots of stuff involving horses.
Now, I don't want you to do that.
Infantry?
Quad bikes?
No, but we should go and participate in an American Civil War reenactment.
On the invitation of special American friends.
So I'm proposing this stuff because we're on the conservative side of the argument.
Don't get...
I think we've grumbled about this before.
If I were a lefty, I would be on TV all the time.
I would be having a major career.
I would have a column in The Times.
I would...
You know, The Guardian wouldn't let me know.
Well, Owen Jones is never off the TV, and yet I can't see that he's really got anything to offer, apart from winning.
No, well, I mean, Femi was on the TV all the time, wasn't he?
Or the Navarra media people.
Did you see his moves?
He took his shirt off, and he ran to the polling station in just a pair of shorts.
Which of us do you think is more buff, by the way?
Because you're swimming.
I'm swimming and gymming and park running, but I've got a little bit more of a sort of dad bod, where you're just kind of wiry and skeletal.
I think I'm like one of those mixed martial arts fighters, killers.
Without the skills.
Yeah Well, should we round it off because we've got probably to eat food drinks and we want to try and do a little cameo.
Yeah, we do.
Cameo.
How does that song go?
No romance, no romance for me.
That one.
What, Word Up by Cameo?
Yeah.
We've got no time for psychological romance.
No romance.
Oh, for God's sake, don't make me carry on.
I think it had more of a beat to it than that.
Yes, it did, but what am I going to do with it?
Oh, I see.
Okay, right.
Well, I think we'll just...
On that pathetic note, we'll end.
And a growl from Lemmy.
So, special friends, in the new year...
Magnifico, The Hunter.
Sponsorship of the Dick and James go-to countries that are nice, not bloody Eastern European ones, but actually ones with Krav Maga lessons, IDF girls and horses.
That.
Filippa the Groom.
Filippa the Groom.
Don't forget to buy the special friend badge.
And to...
Via Dellingpoleworld.com.
And there's only got one L in it, apart from the other L. I mean, D-E-L-I-N-G-P-O-L-E. Not double L. Yeah, no, not double L. And, um...
Is that it?
Okay, that's it.
Happy Christmas.
Bye!
Bye!
I love Danny Paul.
I listen another time.
Subscribe with me.
I love Danny Paul.
Go and subscribe to the podcast, baby.
I love Danny Paul.
I listen another time.
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