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March 3, 2023 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes

01:42:50

GOML S4E222 - FRIDAYS ARE FREE

From now on THIS is the free show with the ads. We deliver a nice taste of our usual categories with feminist spinsters, the war on kids, my pet Biden, and some asshole named Antetokounmpo.

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	Live from New York, it's Get Off My Lawn with Gavin.
	Live from New York, it's Get Off My Lawn with Gavin.
	Kind of cheesy.
	Kind of fun.
	With serious momentum we override Oh, believe me, I'm a breach, believe me, right I'm the child with the telescope Kind of cheesy, kind of fun, good road trip music Not exactly advanced shit That was, um... What was that now?
	Enter Shikari?
	It was one of your teen boys that liked that?
	Or the only teen boy?
	Uh, no.
	Okay.
	No, my kids are into trap, crap, drill rap shit.
	That sucks.
	But the Enter Shikari are from my hometown.
	Huh.
	They're from Hertfordshire.
	I was from Hitchen.
	These sort of posh areas that surround Luton where Tommy Robinson's from.
	My mom would go get groceries in Luton, as I've told you many times.
	Dude, I made a insane mix.
	An eight-hour road trip mix when I was down in Port St.
	Lucie for spring break, spring training.
	It is a masterpiece.
	Reggae, dancehall, metal, speed metal, stupid shit like we just played there, corny stuff.
	Bruce Springsteen.
	It's eight hours long.
	My gorsh.
	So I think I can make the link available, and then I'm gonna record a green screen of it to accompany it, to explain everything.
	That'll be awesome.
	We got a racist marathon coming up.
	It'd be cool if we made it look like you were driving in the car while doing that.
	Yeah.
	The road behind you.
	I could do that.
	Or just sit in a chair on the green screen.
	Yeah, and then just do this.
	This band was probably Yeah, okay, let's do that.
	So today is the free episode.
	We used to do Thursday nights as free, but Thursday has evolved into a show that I love called Cops and Robber, where we have our felon buddy, Matty O'Dell, Exiles Angel, head of the New Rock chapter, and then we have at least four cops going through cop videos, crime stats, and jail time, and you hear the felon's perspective and the cop's perspective pretty similar.
	Because it's bottom of the barrel cops, no offense, but like they're detectives, but they're not the top brass.
	And those guys kind of get abused by the system as much as criminals do.
	So they're very similar.
	And if I showed you my texts from my criminal friends and my cop friends, you'd be looking at the same thing.
	They're indistinguishable.
	They both love Trump.
	Or at least the ones I know.
	Do we have the jump medic bag?
	Oh, yes, we do.
	Dig that up.
	This is our first sponsor, JumpMedic, a company owned by a baby monster who happens to be a longtime paramedic.
	JumpMedic sells top notch first aid kits and first aid equipment.
	And we had a dude who was from the Coast Guard in the studio last night with his black wife, who I don't know, was super comfortable with the way we were talking about black female privilege when it comes to police, policing citizens, but whatever.
	And he was impressed.
	Like this guy is, I think he's called a corpsman with the Coast Guard?
	And he went through this pack and he went, yep, this is legit.
	That's a very flattering word in this day and age.
	Legit.
	Too legit to quit.
	So it comes as a sort of a backpacky thing, but then when you open it up, you can indulge in all this legit shit that's too legit to quit.
	I'm not groaning because it's heavy, I'm groaning because my workout today was insane.
	It ended with a mile run, 200 sit-ups and 100 push-ups.
	Their premier product is the Jump Medic Pro, which comes in red or black.
	The Jump Medic Pro contains two world-class first aid bags.
	The larger bag comes stocked with nine pounds of first aid equipment.
	Absolutely everything you would need in a first aid kit, from bandages, to sutures, to medications, and even a blood pressure cuff, glucose meter, shears, and a flashlight.
	Kind of early with the and even, uh...
	The shears in particular would be perfect if Ryan decides to do something about his incredibly embarrassing hair.
	Let's check in on your hair today, Ryan.
	Not bad.
	Not bad at all.
	I would even say not annoying today.
	I don't like it, but hey, a lot of people do.
	My wife said it looks handsome.
	It looks handsome?
	Or you look handsome with your hair that way.
	But I don't know, it looked boring.
	Go check out Jumpmatic.com and look at the What's Included page to get an idea of everything included in the Jumpmatic kit.
	Pro first aid kit the jump medic pro kit also comes with a smaller secondary bag Which you can fill with supplies and use as a convenient transportable first aid or trauma kit You can use the bigger kit for your home and take the smaller one when you're planning on doing anything remotely dangerous And I think now is the best time to be having something like this in your car in your house.
	We got, California covered in snow people starving in there just have it in your truck and Have it in your car, especially the way transportation is going these days.
	Thanks to Alfred E. Newman over there, Pete Buttigieg.
	We're seeing cars pile up.
	The roads have never been more dangerous.
	If you're going to get stuck, you want to have this for your family.
	If you don't have a first aid kit, you need to get one yesterday.
	You don't want to be unprepared.
	Both of the incredibly durable bags allow for open flat access while in use.
	That's what we got here.
	See?
	It's open flat.
	Which makes it quicker and easier to locate supplies in an emergency.
	Jump Medic also sells refills for these kits.
	They sell first aid supplies for anyone who may need bandages, medications, and more.
	If you already have a first aid kit, keep them in mind if you need to supply anything in your kit.
	As you all know, I've always said I care about my fans, number one.
	When I think about A single one of you not being prepared for a life-threatening emergency, only two phrases come to mind.
	How dare you?
	And you have hurt me today.
	The JumpMedic Pro is great for nurses, paramedics, firefighters, and police, but it's also great for hobbyists and families.
	If you don't have a first aid kit in your home, or even if you do, this is a great product, possibly the most comprehensive first aid kit at this price that is currently on the market.
	Go to JumpMedic.com and enter promo code RyanSucks for 10% off.
	So this show's free everywhere.
	Yesterday's show's not free.
	Never will be again.
	Never.
	And the reason we switched to this show is because this is representative of what the show is.
	We've got a green screen.
	We've got our various subjects.
	We do our letter bag.
	We begin the show by talking about silly stuff.
	Random shit.
	Like, dude, you know what happened?
	I forgot to tell you this.
	Is Port St.
	Lucie spring training?
	No.
	The kids are catching balls, my youngest boy's 10, he's loving it there.
	We were getting there at 8am to see them come in the parking lot.
	Sometimes cool guys like Lindor or Polar Bear will come out and sign balls.
	So we're at the game and Port St.
	Lucie, it's spring training so it's not a real stadium, it's a tiny stadium.
	So you're really close to the guys.
	And my youngest says, I'm going to reach out and grab a ball if he throws it to us.
	And then I think it was Lindor, I can't remember who, but like, Lindor, Lindor!
	He throws it over the net.
	Guess where it's landing?
	Near you guys.
	Right to the G's chest.
	This is tough.
	So I go to grab it, and this isn't like it was a pop fly coming at 800 miles an hour.
	It was thrown by a professional thrower of balls to a person.
	Probably to Johnny.
	He was the youngest one around.
	And he throws it like this, dude.
	It ricochets off my palm.
	Come on now, dog.
	I thought about it.
	Oh my God, it was devastating.
	I can't explain how shitty you feel as a dad.
	Not only did it ricochet off my palm, it smashed a kid in the face.
	The fag capitals of the world.
	And like the whole, the whole stadium was just looking at me like, what the fuck?
	Holy shit.
	And then I looked down at my boy.
	And he's looking at me with this look that I'll be able to draw perfectly for the rest of my life.
	It was like a... It was like a...
	Can I have the firearm, please?
	Dude, it burnt a hole in my- he was looking at me like I was a professor, and he just found out, and 10 is pretty old as far as understanding things, that I've been fucking one of my students, and I just blew the marriage.
	My mom- my mom.
	My wife was bawling her eyes out in the other room, and we were getting a divorce, and he just- How are you doing, Gavin?
	Gavin?
	You fucked one of your students and ruined your marriage, and now I don't have two parents together anymore?
	What?
	Or I showed up at one of his games drunk and nude.
	And was like, What's up, niggas?
	What are you doing here, Dad?
	And every time someone missed a ball after that, I got an erection.
	I am done.
	You're done?
	I'm done.
	It's... until you've experienced what it's like to not catch a ball and hand it to your son and have it go BADOING!
	Especially you see all these videos of guys with babies who catch them and it's a fucking line drive.
	With their beer in their hands.
	With their beer in their fucking... I had no beers!
	It was in... it was aimed here.
	I'm never gonna financially recover from this.
	Really a low point.
	Um... I'm feeling upset.
	Okay, enough with the fucking avalanche of drops.
	Look at this front page of the New York Post today, by the way.
	I like to show these to prove it's not pre-recorded.
	Oh, I finally get it!
	Heller?
	So, it's the Hell Island Railroad, right?
	It's the Long Island Railroad, right.
	Instead of Long, it's Hell.
	It's L-I-R-R.
	It's L-I-R-R, right?
	But I didn't get this first line.
	It's so crowded, riders stand in bathrooms.
	That's how crowded it is.
	I didn't get that all morning.
	promised a better commute, passengers instead got the hell IRR.
	It's so crowded, riders stand in bathrooms.
	That's how crowded it is.
	- Yeah. - I didn't get that all morning.
	I might be dumb, it's possible.
	It's very highbrow, the post.
	Ooh, look at you, Mr. Reading the New York Post.
	Well, excuse me!
	The only paper that's like the closest to a comic book that you can get.
	But I love it.
	Well, my father-in-law is a scientist and he's a smarty pants and he's like, look at all this garbage.
	And I'm like, yeah, dude, it's garbage at the beginning.
	Cause that's what your day is like.
	You don't want to, you don't want to open the first page when you wake up and see a dead baby on the beach.
	You want to see a nice eighties white girl ass.
	And you want to read some gossip.
	Lady Gaga farted and stuff.
	And AOC didn't pay tax when she wore her tax-the-rich dress, or at least the woman who designed it did.
	There's a posh sex club.
	And then, on page eight, we get into deficit numbers, don't lie.
	And all the heavy stuff.
	It's the exact same thing.
	I copied it for Vice Magazine, and I'm copying it for this show.
	It's the way you eat.
	You have an amuse-bouche.
	Before you have a fucking meat.
	Before you eat your steak.
	Well, la, dee, da.
	Another rampant black nationalist who grew up with a white mom and no black dad.
	California is covered in snow.
	Speaking of jump medic, you want to have that.
	What if you are cutting onions, your last onion in your house, and you get a major gash?
	What are you going to do?
	Go to the hospital in California right now?
	Not when you're run by Gavin Newsom.
	Not that anyone can handle eight feet of snow.
	I'm sure eight feet of snow is a major pain in the ass in Alaska.
	I know it's a pain in the ass in Montreal, where I lived for 10 years.
	So, uh, I don't know.
	I don't know if this is the best opportunity to bash Gavin Newsom.
	We have plenty of other reasons to hate that guy, but who could have been prepared for this eight feet of snow in California?
	Dig your way where?
	All you single women are probably pumped right now.
	They don't have a man around or any kids to help you.
	Yeah, great time to be a spinster.
	Just Uber eats it.
	- They're fucking trapped.
	People are running out of food, water.
	A lot of people haven't had pout. - All you single women are probably pumped right now.
	They don't have a man around or any kids to help you.
	- Yeah, great time to be a spinster.
	- Just Uber eats it.
	Just Uber eats. - And you know, those single gals, I used to fuck them when I was single, and they never have anything in their home.
	No screwdriver for sure.
	Well no, but they have no food, no nothing, no long-term anything.
	They don't buy groceries, they always get takeout.
	They have hummus.
	They have dishes piled to the ceiling, dirty laundry piled up about five feet high, and then the fridge is just rotten leftovers and condiments.
	Well, you could... Okay, you could take some of the snow, put it in the fridge, and then use the five-foot pile of clothes to stand on top of the snow pile to get out.
	Well, she's got a shovel, at least.
	But where are you going?
	...in their homes.
	There's no way to get to a hospital to get medical help.
	Jump medic!
	I have this plow in five days.
	This is insane.
	No, it's kind of like COVID, though.
	Everybody was in Florida and California.
	I don't know, I think I would love it.
	Being snowed in is cool.
	Yeah, no responsibilities.
	Any emergency services that we really, really need.
	That's such an LA thing.
	I have a guy, he's a really, really good friend of mine.
	They love saying really, really.
	That's kind of like, I bullshit a lot.
	cave-in from really really no so they are really really really out of luck now mocking my previous videos i hope it's kind of like i bullshit a lot and it's like no no i know i bullshit a lot but i really actually really help uh you need mental help because people are dying and you're mocking a community in an emergency so one stay the off my page and two learn some human empathy because because you make me sick.
	Thanks, bye. - Wait, where's she digging to?
	The road?
	There's no one to dig to.
	These are the COVID people that said, stay in.
	I don't care what you need to do.
	Stay in.
	Okay.
	I'm on this drug right now called Purple Works Nutrition.
	Feel free to riff if you're still using the product.
	I am riffing.
	I am still using the product.
	Use it today.
	One thing I've learned, however, is take it easy on this stuff.
	I had a whole scoop the other day at 7 a.m.. And I had a bit of trouble sleeping at midnight So that's what 7 to 7.
	That's 19 hours I was fucking wired now.
	I take I don't actually use the scooper anymore I just use a spoon and I take like a quarter of a tablespoon and Stir it in and then your workout should be over an hour to really get your money's worth out of this.
	And I was a monster today.
	Backwards duck walks, forward duck walks, every single bag in the gym, different combinations, a hundred push-ups, two hundred sit-ups, a mile run around the block.
	I'm afraid I only completed the mile in 14 minutes.
	I did stop for a piss and I ordered a sandwich at a local restaurant, deli.
	But, um... Yeah, this stuff works.
	It makes your hands feel prickly, though.
	Did you get that?
	That's beta-alanine, my friend.
	You keep saying that.
	What does that mean?
	What's happening to my hands?
	I don't know what it actually does, but it makes you feel like it's working.
	And if you stay still, like, you're tortured.
	So you have to start going.
	And they have great... They sent this in, these turbans.
	That... Maybe it's a headband.
	That's a t-shirt, Ryan.
	Hello?
	What?
	Hey, listen, I, uh... Did you order your ticket yet?
	No, I didn't.
	I'm on the air, though.
	You're live.
	Oh, I'm going to order a ticket now for... I'll order you a ticket for the match tonight.
	Okay, and bags.
	Alright, sunshine?
	Alright, sunshine?
	Did you talk to bags?
	I'll call Tommy up then.
	Alright, I'll let you go.
	Alright, bye.
	Do your thing.
	Do your thing.
	Where are you going?
	Boxing match tonight.
	We have another sponsor, and weirdly enough, he was fighting today with a guy.
	I like these three old dudes.
	They're all my age, and they do a thing that they invented, which I'm a huge fan of.
	It's called taking a break during the round.
	Do you have your stance and your guard up?
	No, you're leaning on the ropes like... It's great.
	We have another sponsor, and really enough, another up-and-coming company founded by a paramedic, Purpleworks Nutrition.
	Purpleworksnutrition.com.
	Purpleworks manufactures a pre-workout that I've been using.
	I just told you about it.
	The Purpleworks Pink Lemonade Pre-Workout enhances your strength, energy, and focus to get you ready for even the most strenuous workouts you have planned.
	Heck, if you take off leg day, Purpleworks Pre-Workout might even be looking at you from the corner of the room, judging you, and telepathically insisting that you hit the gym And work on your puny cats.
	And I'd like to say something to you guys out there who don't feel like hitting the gym.
	It's not like there's hitting the gym and being awesome and kicking ass and then not hitting the gym and being a piece of shit.
	I would like to offer up a gray area called hitting the gym and being half-assed.
	For example, my backwards duck walks today, no one would call them duck walks.
	I was standing a couple times.
	My push-ups, my hundred push-ups, if my penis was out, it was not touching the ground.
	They were more like, boopie, boopie, boopie.
	These were my hundred push-ups.
	And they were not...
	Cheat, guys.
	Cheat.
	And I did a whole video on this called, I think it's How to Box, where you can hide behind the heavy bag so the coach doesn't see you until halfway through the round.
	You come out and you go, what should I be doing?
	And he goes, what the?
	What the fuck are you doing?
	I don't know.
	I'm not a mind reader.
	God.
	Yeah, you get a skipping rope that's not the right size for you, which means you keep falling and stopping and needing breaks.
	I'm just showing you how you shouldn't put on your wraps before you start your workout.
	So then the coach goes, hey, put your wraps on.
	And you're like, oh shit, I don't have them on yet.
	That'll take me a whole round.
	A million ways to cheat, guys.
	And by the way, isn't this new ad guy a hundred times better than the guy who let Nazis take us over?
	He is, but you know, being good at your job is less funny, so... True, we haven't had a lot of comedy out of this guy's incompetence because it doesn't exist.
	That's correct.
	By the way, speaking of Nazis, I've started moderating the comments on the site, which I know sounds weird because it's censored.tv, and it is hypocritical.
	I think is the most important takeaway here.
	But after what a year of zero moderation whatsoever, there's a couple idiots like some guy named Snow Ape and a guy named Gums and they just get out there with the nigger this and nigger that.
	The Jews, Jews, Jews.
	And what it does is it kills the conversation.
	Until no one wants to talk.
	And then it's just like, say you had an art class and some guys just kept drawing swastikas and cocks.
	Everyone would go, all right, well, I guess this isn't for me.
	And they slowly leave.
	So they kill the conversation.
	Then you start wondering, wait a minute, what are the odds you're a Fed or Antifa and your assignment is to kill the conversation here, ruin the brand and shit on everything.
	Make it no fun.
	A saboteur, if you will.
	So either they're saboteurs on purpose, Hired by the state, or the radical left, or they're just saboteurs because they suck shit.
	But yeah, really, really excessive offensive garbage that has no point to it whatsoever.
	Obviously if someone's like, I think the word nigger has been used, blah blah blah, no one's gonna censor that.
	But it's just like, I fucking hate n's.
	I've started cutting it out.
	And it's drastically improved the conversation.
	So that was what Twitter argued when they first started censoring.
	It was just like Jew, Jew, Jew, black, black, black.
	And so they cut those out and it helped.
	But then they kind of got drunk with power and they started censoring guys like me and normal people.
	And then it became super woke and everything that goes woke goes broke.
	So that's probably what will happen with us.
	We'll start out with this justified censorship.
	Then I'll start deleting comments that criticize my looks.
	Anyone who says I look old.
	And then it'll just be comments about how handsome I am.
	And then we'll go broke.
	But the other direction wasn't working.
	I have a, yeah, I have a telegram and I don't moderate anything and it's, I don't even go in there anymore because it's just, I think the people that say N and Jew the most, they just, they're there so much that everybody else is just kind of like, well, I can't really beat that.
	Yeah, what are you going to do?
	Someone's like, he's a cook for the Jews, he's cooking for shekels.
	And then what's the next comment going to be?
	I think that was a really interesting take on the aviation problem, but the real question is, is it incompetence?
	Or is it some sort of globalist scheme?
	That's the differentiation I have trouble with.
	Yeah, whatever, nigger face!
	You could even say that, but it's just repeat ones.
	Ends, repeat ends, repeat ends.
	I don't comment on like anything, so I can't really relate, but this is a lot of people are angry because that's how they express themselves.
	But it's time to be a little more... Yeah, and no one's taking away your right to speak.
	Go speak anywhere else.
	But Telegram's a lost cause.
	I don't even look at Telegram.
	I hate Telegram.
	It ruined, I wouldn't say it ruined the Proud Boys because they're not ruined, but it was behind the Civil War and it's caused nothing but problems because it's drunk assholes doing those stupid circular bubble talks and they get the hubris that they don't have in person and they just start talking shit.
	Anyway, this has not got a lot to do with Purple Works.
	The Purple Works Pink Lemonade pre-workout enhances your strength, energy, and focus to get you ready for even the most strenuous workouts you have planned.
	Heck, we already said that.
	The products are made in the good ol' USA!
	And unlike a few other pre-workout companies who sometimes operate in a Wild Wild West scenario, Purpleworks Nutrition's Pink Lemonade pre-workout is manufactured in an FDA-registered facility that is also GMP-certified.
	Purpleworks not only enhances today's workup but bolsters tomorrow's as well.
	I did notice too that you get a second wind.
	When you're doing like, say, 50 reps, and after the first 20 you go, there's no way that I can get another 30 in.
	But then, the theme song from Chariots of Fire comes in and you start, your second half is actually better than your first half.
	Try it, especially if you're hungover.
	Each scoop contains vitamins to aid in and support immune health, muscle and tissue repair.
	Not only does it give you the boost you need for a great workout, it's also great for this time of year when everyone's getting sick.
	There are no artificial dyes or sweeteners, no preservatives, an expertly crafted blend of high quality creatine, caffeine, carnosine, beta-alanine, and more.
	Simply add 8 to 10 ounces of water in your shaker.
	I would say...
	Start small and work in, yeah the shaker's good too.
	Definitely half scoop it first, just to see where you're at.
	At the most!
	It's like drugs, like start by just biting a shroom.
	Like for instance, like this chick, when she's scooping, she needs that one hand there just in case it jumps.
	Just in case it, and then this lady...
	I mean, this is her before she took it.
	She needs two hands to hold this thing.
	Yeah.
	Which is like, what, like an ounce it weighs?
	Yeah, that's how weak she was.
	So afterwards, she can lift it with one finger, basically.
	Check them out at PurpleWorksNutrition.com.
	Enter promo code Gavin for 15% off.
	The promo code will work now.
	We'll continue to work in the future if this ends up being the pre-workout you rely on.
	Both of our sponsors today are young entrepreneurs who are fans of GOML.
	Both are paramedics, basically doing the Lord's work day in, day out.
	Check out their websites, support them any way you can.
	Purpleworks and JumpMedic are both essentially doing what they do to make their mark on the world in a positive way.
	Let's help them out and give them a boost.
	Even if you can only afford to spend $40, $45, $40, there's nothing wrong with that.
	Wow, this guy's qualified.
	Those are inside references there.
	Bam, boom.
	All right, let's dive into the show.
	Are you ready, Ryan?
	Are we going to do a... This chair's looking a little small.
	If I can start the show, Bumper?
	We haven't done that in so long, you see.
	OK, fine.
	We could.
	Let's start the show.
	Well, let me get it rippin'.
	I gotta rip it.
	Okay, rip that up.
	Okay, I'll rip it up and rip it around and rip it down.
	Here it comes.
	We're about to start the show.
	It comes from this end.
	It sure does.
	It's a monster truck and then Trump's in there and an eagle too.
	That's correct.
	So you do remember it.
	So you suggested bringing on something that you were not prepared for.
	Oh, here we go!
	It's not keyed out so good.
	Beautiful, beautiful bird.
	Bye-bye!
	Bye!
	Home to Mommy!
	She probably likes me.
	Oh, you know what's interesting?
	I say that so often.
	Yeah.
	I didn't even register you said that.
	People don't know the reference.
	So everyone understands the words by and by together.
	But the guy will be like leaving.
	Bye bye!
	Home to mommy!
	They understand that and they'll go, she probably likes me.
	Like, what the fuck?
	Is that from Labyrinth or something?
	No, it's from Donald Trump.
	No, I know, but that's what they're saying.
	Oh, I see.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Like, are you?
	Oh, I thought you were funny.
	You have special needs.
	Your mommy likes me.
	You know what I noticed though?
	On Telegram this is the past two days I think this happened but remember Gypsy Crusader?
	Yep.
	I like spicy stuff.
	He was the guy who was beaten mercilessly by Antifa.
	They took all his equipment and received zero charges the same night.
	Max and John got four years and they will be out in a week.
	Whoa.
	Four years is over in a week.
	Isn't that nuts?
	That is wild.
	A little over a week, but you got me.
	No, but his telegram's gone.
	Oh, it's not gone.
	You can't look at it on iPhone.
	Gypsy Crusader.
	I don't care.
	It's a pretty big deal.
	Even Telegram's censored.
	That was supposed to be one of the most uncensored places ever.
	You wouldn't believe Ryan these days.
	This morning I came into work and he goes, he told me about two things he invented that he just thought of.
	One is the phone and the other is a boxing glove.
	And I had to break it to him that both these things exist.
	I have two inventions.
	You didn't let me finish here.
	One is a phone.
	Phones are invented, okay?
	They've had them since Alexander Graham Bell first came up with them in the year 18036.
	But it does more than that.
	It's a... It's an iPhone?
	You have it outside of your door when you're... You have it just in the place where it could be stolen, then when somebody steals it, you zap them.
	So it's not actually a phone.
	It just electrocutes them.
	It electrocutes their ears or whatever, their hands.
	Their hands, yes.
	You would be sued into oblivion.
	It's not legal, though.
	It's just an invention.
	You would be sued into oblivion.
	If you bought a legal phone zapper and you zap someone.
	I'd like to see them find one shred of proof that I've ever come up with this before.
	Anyway, my second invention- No, not you!
	The owner of the zapping machine!
	What if they didn't know it zaps?
	What if they're like, oh, it's defective?
	Uh, no.
	The police will have heard of the zappers.
	So that's a terrible idea.
	Okay.
	Second one is, uh, a pair of boxing gloves.
	Been invented.
	Every gym has at least one pair of boxing gloves, so that's not a good invention.
	I didn't finish.
	There's a thing in it, if you will.
	A hand?
	Because that's what boxing gloves are.
	No, not at all.
	A fist.
	No, it's a sensor, so when you hit something it says how hard you've hit it.
	Yeah.
	And getting good at it.
	Yes.
	And then also there's a sensor like just level with the floor.
	So whenever it registers a hit, it tells you whether you hit like up near the head or low.
	No, no, no.
	That's a good idea.
	But here's what you do.
	It's a sensor that goes on your knuckles.
	You put it in your wraps and then you punch and it's a 0.8 or whatever pounds of pressure.
	Probably like nine million for me.
	But go ahead.
	OK.
	Your phone is filming you.
	And it starts, it's synced up with the sensor.
	So then you watch back the video, and it, because it was synced, then this 0.8, you can see the 0.8 happening.
	I might even have a camera, that's part of it, just a cheap little camera just to... What?
	Cause then... Use the camera with your phone, guy.
	You could, but... Where's the camera that you invented?
	Well, it's a little... You wonder why Puerto Rico is still fucked several years after the hurricane.
	Because now it takes over your phone.
	Now you have to record it with your phone.
	It's two actions instead of one.
	So if you have it, this little device that it's like a two-piecer, where it's like you got the glove thing and then you set up this little tripod and it records.
	You're making me sad.
	You should start a show for Goths called Ryan's Inventions and people can just watch it and feel like killing themselves.
	And it sounds like the Smiths?
	It's what the Smiths look like?
	If you want to get really dark, listen to Ryan's brain work.
	Alright, let's do some feminism.
	The world that is the storm, the perfect storm, the I am the change in the storm.
	Who here identifies as a feminist?
	We are the storm.
	The very form of change that the world has been waiting for.
	You said I was too pretty to fight.
	That's toxic masculinity.
	You don't realize how your behavior is hurtful.
	So where do we put this episode, Ryan?
	It's the audio is free on all podcast places, right?
	Yep.
	And then, where's the video?
	That is on censored.tv under the free shit section.
	So if you're not logged in, you'll only see the free... But is it also on Bumble and Rumble and Jumble and Crumble?
	We don't get a ton, because we can't, we don't advertise that we're on those things, so if people search it, sure it pops up, but I figure... If it's under several thousand, don't bother.
	It is.
	Like, it's cause it's spread out.
	We have Rumble, GabTV, BitChute, bleh.
	Alright, so it's just uncensored.
	Go to censored for it.
	Go to censored.
	You have a home here, even if you're not subscribed.
	There's tons of free shit.
	Uh, I found the perfect wife, if you're interested.
	I'm already taken.
	She's an ex-soccer player, probably a dyke.
	I have a strange attraction to lesbians.
	Does that mean I'm a gay?
	Maybe cause they're the ungettable thing?
	No, I'll just see a gal and I'll go, she seems like a lot of fun.
	And then I'll dig deeper and I'll be like, oh, you were a soccer star?
	Yeah, you're gay.
	And you're good at skateboarding.
	That's not a good sign.
	If a woman is really good at surfing and skating barefoot, she's probably gay.
	Maybe like the fact that not a lot of guys have been with her.
	Maybe even none.
	No.
	I've also noticed that I'll see like a lesbian couple and the man in the relationship will have like a jean jacket on and shaggy hair and I'll be like, that guy seems like a chill dude.
	And then I realize, Oh, I'm, I'm looking at a woman.
	Look at that cup of tea.
	Look at those cans.
	And she's smiling in every single photograph.
	Val LaForge.
	Is she Hawaiian-y?
	No, I don't think so.
	Why'd you say A for Hawaiians?
	I don't know.
	I wish that was on my bag.
	What if she fell on your bag?
	Yeah.
	I don't know why I would want that.
	That would hurt.
	Just a quality human being.
	And not too pretty.
	Y'all!
	I'm so excited to share with you my new flower board.
	Isn't that just a groovy gal?
	Yep.
	She better not catch any air.
	Why?
	Well, girls, this is how girls skate.
	They usually don't try to catch any air.
	And when they do, it's terrible.
	It's too aggressive, catching air.
	Yeah.
	Be ladylike.
	Just be grooving.
	Groove along, ladies.
	I'm realizing now I didn't put enough stuff in the feminism section.
	That's not very good for business, is it?
	We could hit the master list.
	I did a bad job of my job today.
	And you're watching Failure live on air. - I got some stuff here.
	Okay the paving the way the 35 year old.
	Yeah, let's look at that one Let's do those two the first two of feminism in the master doc.
	I meant to put into this list Oh, this is fucking awesome.
	My bikini waxer said something.
	Let's see your face.
	My bikini waxer said something that blew my mind this week.
	We were talking about feeling lost after turning 34 and why we felt that way.
	Then she said, we're not the first generation of 30s.
	Yeah, sorry.
	We're the first generation of 30-somethings not building traditional families.
	There's no blueprint for us.
	We're paving the way to misery and loneliness and a horrible life.
	What am I, Nick Oakes now?
	Hello.
	Oh yeah, I was testing that out, but I didn't know everybody saw that, I'm sorry.
	Yeah, thanks.
	Why don't you focus on the job that's here in the here and now, the live show.
	This is a great example of women being agreeable, always staying positive.
	Like that girl we just saw before, big smile, super fun, really groovy.
	And that's great when you're a mom.
	That's great when you're in a family.
	When you're a lonely spinster, Ending your legacy of 200,000 years, you managed to take a miserable situation and make it positive.
	Like, I'm waxing my pussy because no one wants it anymore.
	I'm trying to make myself flawless.
	And now it's paving the way.
	Now you're a revolutionary.
	And what's the guy say about this sad sack of potatoes?
	We are facing an army of witches in the making, the likes of which will make Solomon tremble.
	The amount of single women that will be driven into hysteria once they realize they can't have families will be a wicked force.
	Cabal knows this.
	Yep.
	What's the thread, though?
	What's he saying after that?
	You know where you really see this, too, is at old age homes.
	I've talked to people who work in them, and people who have children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren, they have a vibe about them.
	Hey, man, I'm here on the back nine about to go into this abyss, about to release myself from this mortal coil.
	Bye-bye!
	Home to mommy!
	God probably likes me.
	And the ones who don't have any kids are hysterical, demonic, unhinged.
	What does he say?
	As a result, they will be susceptible to a two-fold action.
	One, complete chaos, all doing their own thing.
	No maternal role, so they will seek indulgent Jezebel narcissism.
	Two, what is Kabal?
	Is that like some demon in hell?
	Cabal will, and probably already does, have things set in place to ground them, a.k.a.
	the government.
	Alright, I don't want to get that far into the other dude.
	What's the other, um... Uh... Lesbian?
	The other 35-year-old?
	The next one?
	Asian comedian.
	This segment is sucking rocks right now.
	Broads ruin everything, you say?
	Oh yeah, this is funny.
	And all my friends are married and they're always giving me advice.
	They're just like, Leslie, get out there.
	Just stay casually.
	I'm like, I'm 35.
	This is urgent.
	There's nothing casual about my life.
	I need to text guys at night and be like, are you up for starting a family?
	So much of female comedy is just a bunch of facts.
	When I'm watching it going, yeah, that's horrible.
	I'm not laughing.
	And 35, sorry babe, way too late.
	Nobody wants you.
	25 in New York City is 35.
	To most.
	Like the guys that want you are just gonna be fucking 25 year olds.
	And that's why I said don't come here.
	New York City's an elephant's graveyard for ovaries.
	I did it at a talk once and all the women in the place stormed out.
	It was a company called Happy Corp that was sponsoring speakers and they had me come in and do a talk about New York City.
	What it's like to come here, and I got up there.
	It is half woman Maybe two-thirds woman, and I said don't come here ladies.
	You're not gonna find a rich guy you fucked up you shouldn't have left your hometown your lives are gonna be miserable and I used the elephant scraper for over saying they all started storming out in a rage and then happy corp went under That was fun all right, let's do a Let's hope this next segment is better and do the War on Kids.
	Short but sweet.
	I want to do short little versions of all our usual segments so people can get a little taste of Roonski.
	We're living in an ageism era where children are seen as human garbage.
	Regulations to indoctrinate America's schoolchildren with poisonous and divisive left-wing doctrine.
	On your feet, soldier!
	On your feet!
	I know why I hated the feminism thing.
	Why?
	Because I was thinking of something and then I forgot about it and that made me feel bad and I thought the badness was resenting the segment but I was really mad at myself for forgetting a cute little anecdote which I've already told you a hundred times but because this is a free show we're kind of talking to new people so I'm gonna repeat stories more than I usually do which is quite a lot.
	Remember that time we were at Sundance promoting the Brotherhood of the Traveling Rants and I was with my old pal Steve Durand and he met some dude Steve used to do motocross because his parents got divorced when we were 13 and he could have whatever he wanted so we got a motorcycle when we were teenagers we all had fucking BMXs he had a dirt bike and so he competed and stuff with that and he there was some guy who was riding down the mountain
	Uh, in the summer.
	Was it snowing out?
	Yeah, it was snowing.
	Sorry.
	So he was riding down the mountain.
	He does it in the summer, but he does it in the winter, too.
	And they have these, like, weird wheels they put on.
	They're doing jumps that are made of ice.
	And they have these, like, knobby tires that have spikes on them.
	They can ride ice.
	Sounds like it would hurt to fall, no?
	Anyway, those guys bonded, and then I saw some lezzy-looking dude who looked like a shaggy dog, and he had on a little vest, a Patagonia thing, and he had on moccasins and some sort of quilted pants, and he was talking to a bunch of moms and making them laugh.
	And I was like, that's my kind of guy.
	And then Steve goes, that dude was, he comes back over to the table after talking to that guy, and he goes, that dude was pretty cool.
	Got his number, we might get beers later.
	And I go, oh yeah, I was kind of checking out this dude, he seems like a pretty hip cat.
	And Steve got so mad.
	And he goes, ugh, look at the kind of guys I'm into, and look at the kind of guys you're into, you fucking faggot!
	Ooh, I gotta put that on my list.
	What, your hits?
	No, it is not my hits.
	It's things that make me smile.
	Oh, okay.
	Because if you were the stones, like you as one man, that would probably be painted black.
	Yeah.
	It's not satisfaction.
	No.
	And it ain't, you know, brown sugar!
	Actually, it could be.
	I think it's brown sugar.
	You know what is at the top of this list?
	What's that?
	Things that make me smile when I think about them?
	Me dying.
	Scary Perry talking about when he was raped, lying about when he was raped, and saying a bottle broke in his ass after he was raped with a bottle, and he goes, I didn't mean to squeeze but I squoze, and the bottle broke.
	I meant to squeeze, I thought it was, I meant to squeeze but I squoze, or I should have squeezed but I should have squoze.
	Shut up, Brian.
	I don't know.
	I just squeeze, but I squoze.
	And that broke the battle.
	Kimberly Guilfoyle seeing me clean my ass in the bathroom because the door lock didn't work and having a panic attack.
	Fleckus, I said, why aren't you a Mets fan?
	You're like a fat dude with a beard.
	And he goes, well, and here's the crucial part of this story.
	He was not kidding one bit.
	So he wasn't trying to be funny.
	He was definitely thinking about it.
	And he was like, why aren't I a Mets fan?
	Uh, well, I'm not a Jew and I'm not retarded.
	So it never occurred to me.
	And every time I tell people that story, they think it's like an anti-Semitic joke or something.
	I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no.
	He was honestly working it out in his head.
	Like, you say to a black guy, why didn't you play lacrosse?
	Well, I'm not a white dude and I'm not rich, so it never really came up.
	You know?
	You could have thrown, I'm not from Queens in there.
	Why aren't you Amish?
	Well, I didn't grow up in Pennsylvania.
	I'm not that religious, so it never occurred to me.
	Butter's just okay in my opinion.
	And then of course my favorite one I just this just pops into my head and I just feel joy so if I'm hungover I'm puking or something I think about these things and I feel happy and that is DJ Khaled playing his free guitar I can just see it right now and it just, it brings, some people want to look at a fountain, some people like staring at the fireplace.
	I think of DJ Khaled playing his free guitar and I just go, ah.
	Get a close-up, get a close-up, get a close-up of the case.
	He might be the dumbest man in show business.
	This is the type of shit that, like, a 16-year-old guitar player... Look, look, he can't read.
	He can't read.
	He's so rich, his maid is white.
	...as someone who has an appreciation for Bob Marley's life and music, we want you to be one of the first to play the Gilded 20 Marley, based on Bob's at-home songwriting, guitared from 56 Hope Road.
	I wish he had read it.
	I'd like to see him watch.
	Look at his other hand!
	I wish he had read it.
	I'd like to see...
	Look at his other hand.
	The frets.
	I've never heard an E string that much...
	Doesn't that just bring joy to your life?
	This is the guy, by the way, who bowed out in the Hot Wings competition after, I think, two sauces.
	I'm not quitting though.
	And he's like, I won.
	Because, in a way, I didn't hurt myself.
	Well, the thing is, if you go to the end, you're playing yourself.
	Because you're hurting yourself and you're damaging your health.
	So, if you bow out early, you're healthier, your body's in better shape now, because you didn't kill yourself with wings, so you win.
	And the other guy who invented the game is like, no, that's not the game.
	You don't win the game to quit.
	It's a big show, but it's the finger licking special.
	You know how you find the part?
	You look at the levels of what's the most popular because it's really early.
	It looks like somebody clipped this one though.
	Schoenberger.
	It's hot.
	Yeah.
	Holy shit.
	It's in the name.
	A winner.
	Yo bro, is yours different than mine?
	I'm going to switch.
	Alright.
	What, your brain?
	Yes.
	What's first?
	Much.
	What's first?
	Abilities?
	I promise you if I stop, doesn't mean I gave up.
	Yes it does.
	By definition.
	I'm a winner.
	What the fuck that mean?
	Just cause I quit, doesn't mean I gave up.
	There ain't no victory for me, my brother.
	W-E-T-H-E-B-E-S-T We the best!
	We win no matter what.
	W-E-T-H-E-B-E-S-T.
	We the best.
	I didn't give up because...
	Anyway, there's not exactly the war on kids.
	This one is pretty heavy.
	I'm glad we started nice and light because this is perfect.
	Eloquent.
	I'd like to hear the radical left tell us that we're insane after watching this clip.
	And kudos to the father for not losing his shit and destroying that entire place.
	I don't.
	He's a better man than I, because I would have fucking lost it after this.
	My name's Nox Zajac.
	I'm 11 years old and I go to Windham Middle School.
	I'm a 6th grader.
	I was in the library and this book was on a stand.
	I'd like to read you a page.
	My back over my hips as I ask if we should take our clothes off.
	And he's saying yes before I finish my sentence.
	He's pulling off my t-shirt, laughing when I can't undo his shirt buttons.
	He's undoing my belt.
	I'm reaching into his bedside drawer for a condom.
	We're kissing again.
	We're rolling over.
	Obviously, you can see where this is going.
	I don't know if it's because we're feeling especially emotional or just tired.
	Or these past couple of weeks have been too much.
	But this reminds me so much of the first time we had sex.
	We were both fucking terrified and the whole thing was kind of terrible because we didn't know what we were doing.
	But it was good too, so good.
	Because we were a mess of emotions and we were scared and excited and everything felt new.
	So this sort of thing, this sort of feels like that.
	Nick touches me like he's scared at any minute.
	No, this book was at my middle school and it was on a stand.
	When I rented it out to show my dad it, the librarian asked if I wanted more and if I wanted a graphic novel version.
	Short and sweet.
	And this isn't something scripted, he just read from the book, right?
	Oh boy.
	So I'm that kid's father.
	Okay, good.
	I was asking for you.
	Yeah, I'll take another three minutes.
	So that's my son.
	Okay.
	11 years old and went to his library and found that by the entry door.
	Oh, just pause.
	I've heard the argument from the other side.
	You know what they say?
	Let me tell you something.
	It was black people on MSNBC.
	Let me tell you something.
	Your son is seen a lot worse on the internet.
	Okay?
	Okay?
	I'm not buying that.
	Eleven?
	Eleven.
	They don't.
	My boy is on his iPad.
	He's 10.
	I see what he looks at.
	We have, obviously, family protected, but he's not interested in hearing about two gays having hot sex.
	It's not something they want to Google.
	And those were, make no mistake about it, those were two homosexuals in that opening grabbing the condoms.
	Even if so, even if it is the onion, leave it on the internet, not in the fucking school library.
	Yeah, yeah, good point.
	Yeah, that's like the school library has joints as you walk in.
	Let me tell you something, those kids get plenty of joints on the streets.
	Okay.
	It's a school joint.
	I'm working on the second one.
	Right.
	I don't need you adding a new one in front of it.
	I don't care whether it's gay, straight, bisexual, whatever the terms are for all this stuff.
	Doesn't need to be at our school.
	Doesn't need to be at my 11-year-old's library.
	And then, as far as genderqueer...
	I've got a son in the high school as well.
	And this is bullshit.
	We know it.
	All right.
	We do not need to be having literature that's showing boys how to suck dick.
	All right.
	This is a very, very frustrating thought.
	Can you believe we're the radical ones?
	We're the radical ones.
	Like show that to Obama and Clinton in 2004 and go, by the way, this is not your side.
	These are your enemies.
	Can you believe that guys who want strong borders and don't believe in gay marriage?
	What a fucking mess.
	You may think that schools know the best for our children.
	You know who know the best for our children?
	The parents.
	I like that shirt.
	I sent you some extras there, Ryan.
	I think I texted them to you, because there's one.
	I have my file, and I'm going to do some deep dives on this, but there's some things that can't wait, and this thing is going around.
	It's been sent to us 150 times, and it is a real exaggeration of what we've been complaining about.
	If you were to have, let me just be very clear about this.
	If you were to have a homosexual man, like one of the queer eyes from the straight guy, read to kids, alright, I don't really give a shit.
	An effeminate man is reading to kids.
	I don't know why you're doing that.
	The conceit is that we have to show kids gays because gays are getting beat up by other kids in school and they're getting bullied and they feel vulnerable and I don't believe you.
	I'm sure there was fag bashing 50 years ago.
	It's not a thing.
	It's crazy, man.
	Listen, the way that they're putting sex in these schools, all over the place, in libraries, they're even teaching it in the classes.
	Makes me sick, man.
	If there were zombies outside and we were in a zombie apocalypse, would you bring in a flesh eating zombie into the class?
	No, you wouldn't.
	Okay.
	So I'm sick of it, man.
	Are you the lead guitarist of U2?
	What's that?
	Do you play guitar for U2?
	U2 does not have a lead or rhythm guitarist.
	One of the guitarists is The Edge.
	Okay.
	I'm Tim Poole.
	Oh, Tim Poole, sorry.
	Yes.
	Yeah, so they're pretending we have a problem with that, where we're like, we don't want kids around kids, you're gonna fuck them.
	No, we don't want you to be sexual around kids, and we would be just as mad if you had strippers around kids.
	And I don't think strippers would be around kids.
	I think if we went to a strip club in the Bronx and said hi, like Foxes for example, and we said, hey ladies, would you like to come to the library to read to kids?
	I think if any of them agreed to it, they'd show up in like slacks.
	And a blazer.
	They would not come in wearing their drag queen-ness.
	So, is it to groom kids?
	Some of them are, some of them are pedophiles.
	A disproportionate number.
	Want me to come up with a number off my head?
	I'd say 10% of these drag queens want to fuck the kids or molest them in some way.
	90% just love the attention and they love that it pisses me off.
	That's really the crux of the drag queen's motive.
	The parents have a similar motive and their thing is like, Republicans hate this and we want to show our kids variety and we're not homophobic.
	Hate has no home here.
	It's like those restaurants that say, we welcome all kinds of people here.
	People of color, immigrants, you know, the law.
	Black people are allowed in our restaurant.
	Like those fucking signs.
	Hate has no home here.
	We don't have Klan rallies in our house.
	Makes you want to have a Klan rally in your house.
	Anyway, this is the most recent take, and again, it's an exaggeration of everything we've been concerned about.
	They're not just sexualizing 10-year-olds pre-pubescence.
	These are fucking babies now?
	What?
	What parent?
	I want to meet these parents.
	We'll do it on Skype if you're scared of me hurting you.
	Yes!
	Good!
	Good crotch shot with the babies all around you.
	Spread your legs.
	There we go.
	Spread those legs.
	What the fuck?
	It's so devoid of talent too.
	It's just shitty karaoke.
	It's a minstrel show for women.
	It's a woman face.
	Spread your legs please.
	Yes, shake your ass.
	The origin of twerking is fucking from behind.
	That's what it means.
	It means let's fuck later on.
	I'm good to fuck.
	So any babies out there watching the show, or the people who watch the show are called Baby Monsters, if you're wondering what it's like to fuck, you can just ask your parents to take you to one of those.
	Let's take a 90 degree turn here because I'm getting depressed and mad at the same time.
	And check out an annoying commercial I saw about difficult last names.
	The screen is green and we are...
	I'm not... I'm not... My head's cropped there.
	We got, again, the wrong background.
	Just start with the video that we're talking about.
	Now, this is Hasan Minhaj, who is the opposite of a victim of affirmative... I mean, of prejudice.
	He's a recipient of an affirmative action hire back when The Daily Show was looking for more color.
	They said, who do you got?
	You got any black dudes?
	Just freeze that.
	Yeah, we're using all the black dudes.
	And then they said, okay.
	Oh, you know what you really like?
	A Muslim.
	Paki would be ideal, but we'll take an Indian.
	We need a brown guy that's not Hispanic or black.
	And they go, there are none.
	And then there was talk of some dork who does open mics named Hasan Minhaj.
	And they go, how about him?
	Well, he has zero, look, I was crouching down.
	He has zero experience.
	So?
	How bad can he be?
	And so they catapult him up to the Daily Show.
	And he does, oh, you fucked up.
	He does the same old shit that The Daily Show does, which is talking to Republicans, taking an hour and editing it down to nothing to make them look dumb.
	I was on his show.
	He did a thing about women's soccer not making enough money.
	I said yeah it doesn't make enough money because people don't like it because it sucks and that of course was I guess sexist and at one point he goes name some female soccer players I don't know any female soccer players because I don't watch it because it sucks so that helps my point I just made up a bunch of names as a joke like Bottle Coke Lemur and he put those in and then even though I told him I was kidding he made it seem like I was like Lying on purpose?
	That's what they do.
	And then they get away with it because they say it's comedy.
	Anyway, sorry, long tangent to explain that Hasan Minhaj is an incompetent douche who's been...
	He's red carpeted into his position because we live in a country that is obsessed with racism and guilt and we want to fix our invisible mistakes.
	We have systemic racism in this country and we feel horrible about it.
	We'll get to racism next after this.
	So Hassan's got a career now because of his ethnicity and he uses that career to bitch about racism.
	There he is, trying to edit me wrong.
	This, you can find this online.
	Oh, and another big thing that got him his career, by the way, was bitching about Ashton Kutcher in a Popchips ad.
	That was him, right?
	Yeah.
	Yeah, that was his real claim to fame.
	So he had the open mics in this commercial.
	I'm not sure which came first.
	And in it, he criticizes Ashton Kutcher for doing a Djibouti Dutti voice.
	And he's like, we don't talk like that.
	Yeah, you absolutely do.
	That, okay, that one, yeah.
	Number one, white dude in brown face.
	So?
	Why?
	Number two.
	Because he's doing a character.
	Not even funny.
	Even the Metro PCS guys are like... Holy shish kebab!
	Just listen to his accent.
	I like Snooki and JWoww.
	Wow.
	I want to taste the sweetness on my lips.
	You talk like that.
	No Indian people talk like that!
	Yeah they do!
	Don't you have ear holes?
	We don't sound like that.
	Well then it's a caricature then.
	Let's say you're right.
	Then it's a caricature.
	Yeah have you ever heard a Scottish person on TV?
	Like why do you get to be special?
	Why can't we act like you?
	Why can't everyone do everyone else?
	It's the same with Chinese.
	You're not allowed to do a Chinese imitation.
	Or a Jamaican.
	But you can do a Scot.
	I don't quite understand it.
	I guess you know why you can do a Scottish person and no one has a problem with it?
	Because we can take it on the chin.
	We're not pussies like you, Hassan.
	Anyway!
	So he's got a job, and like a lot of people of color in media, their entire existence is predicated on oppression.
	So this commercial, which I've only seen the beginning of because when I started to watch this, I went, ooh, I got to save this for the show and have fresh eyes with the baby monsters.
	So in this commercial, him and a man with a last name that is literally impossible to say, are complaining about people getting their last names wrong.
	This man, Ujumbadudukadugu, Hey, it's Entetokunpo.
	Entetokunpo?
	I actually don't know, I'm not confident.
	Yeah, like, Zoomers can say it, but no one over the age of 14 can say this guy's fucking name.
	You have to be a basketball maniac to know his name.
	And Hasan Minhaj, just think of Nicki Minaj, it's not that hard.
	And by the way, why did your parents name you such a stupid name?
	Like, if I emigrate to Japan, I'm not gonna name my kid Mike.
	He's gonna be Horuku McInnes.
	Like, assimilate.
	You already have a weird last name.
	Don't name your kid Hassan.
	Okay?
	Pro basketball player.
	Establish him.
	Sorry.
	Stop.
	Muslims are 1% of the American population.
	I apologize if a woman at a minimum wage job isn't familiar with the particular spelling of a Muslim name that represents 1% of the population.
	My name is Gavin McInnes.
	I'm Scots.
	We built this country.
	It wasn't slaves.
	The people who actually lifted the stones were Scots-Irish.
	So, we're the guys behind the building you're in, and you should know how to say our names.
	But, they don't know how to say my name, because most of the people on the phone are Puerto Ricans, and they say Cabby Einz.
	You know how much I complain about it?
	Zero o'clock.
	And you know how many people want to give me a commercial, where I can bitch about people not getting how to pronounce McInnes?
	There's no market for it, folks, because white people can't complain, but these assholes can complain.
	You want to know how my name was spelt at Starbucks by a black woman once?
	What?
	How?
	Ryan.
	I kind of get her point.
	Ryan.
	It makes more sense than the way it's spelt.
	It's Ryan.
	Yeah, that makes sense.
	Ryan.
	Ryan.
	It's perfect.
	It makes more sense than Ryan.
	Ryan.
	Actually, yeah, I prefer her spelling.
	Ryan.
	Thanks, black lady at Starbucks.
	Ryan.
	Ryan.
	2023 and they still don't know how to spell What 1% of the population knows Okay.
	Okay, so you're missing some text here.
	Let me scoot it.
	Yeah.
	So wait a minute.
	Stop.
	The struggle is real.
	So is he admitting that this whole commercial is gay and boring by being sarcastic?
	Let's set the record straight for everyone like us.
	No one is like you, dude!
	Antoman Kapaka Pake?
	Burn up!
	Me and you, horse right now.
	Except it won't be horse, it'll be your last name.
	On to Tecumbo.
	Let's do it the Nigerian way.
	Adetokumbo.
	And then I kill you when we're done.
	So even in this commercial where this guy is kissing this guy's ass, he can't even get the name right.
	This guy can't even get his own name right.
	So I guess he's a Nigerian who immigrated to Greece and the Greeks changed the spelling for whatever reason?
	So he's like, no, no, I don't even like the Greek spelling on my driver's license.
	I want to do the Nigerian one.
	He's like, yeah, cool.
	Like, that just killed the whole concept here.
	We have simple names.
	Why can't you understand them?
	Okay, I'm going to say it right.
	And this guy says it right, Antetokounmpo.
	And he goes, no, that's, that's the Greek dude Nigerian now.
	Oh, for fuck sakes.
	I like Ellis Island where they just said Antetokounmpo.
	No, you're aunt.
	Here are the rules of horse.
	If they make the shot the next player has to match that shot if the player misses they get a letter the first player to Attecumpo loses and remember wait are you doing the Nigerian or the Greek?
	I think he fucked up with your Nigerian the player misses They get a letter the first player to oh Yeah, we were cuz okay in the title of the video.
	It's at 10 dick Koonpo with a OUN Greek and He has it there with just the you So I think that is the Nigerian one.
	So then why am I supposed to learn your Nigerian and your Greek name?
	Holy shit.
	Yeah, look at that.
	Do I got to take a night course to talk to you?
	Adetokunbo.
	Adetokunbo.
	So you have to know both spellings.
	Wait, wait, zoom in.
	Does he change it even in the title?
	Yes.
	Yeah.
	There's two of them.
	The Game of Adetokunpo, starring Giannis Antetokunpo.
	Look at this shit!
	Fuckface.
	Our last names are easy to understand.
	Unless, of course, you're writing the title to this YouTube video, in which case it's kind of tricky.
	Holy shit.
	See, this is the problem with complainer culture.
	They're so shitty at their jobs.
	They're not sending their best.
	Adedekunpo loses.
	And remember, no dunking.
	Why are we going with your Nigerian name?
	It means everything to me.
	I grew up in Greece, and my parents are Nigerian, and that's who I am.
	I gotta represent it.
	Let's go!
	You grew up in Greece?
	Why aren't you representing Greece?
	Aded means king.
	King Adedekunpo.
	The crown has returned from overseas.
	We is Kangs.
	I have friends that change their names.
	They have, you know, ethnic names.
	Let's go!
	And I went through that in comedy.
	At any point did you feel like, yo, I should change my name?
	What would you change Hasan to?
	Harry?
	Harry Minhaj.
	I don't believe you that you ever consider changing your names.
	And yeah, if you have a really complicated name like Mellencamp, you should abbreviate it to Cougar.
	I like how he's trying to do regular Ebonics with him.
	He's like, you ever think to yourself, yo!
	No, I'm a Nigerian.
	He's not Nigerian.
	He's Greek.
	Oh.
	He grew up in Greece.
	He's doing a shout out to his original, like his dad's culture.
	Well, he doesn't say yo.
	But yeah, Greeks don't say yo.
	They say, ow, my asshole hurts.
	Please take that out.
	At any point, did you feel like, yo, I should change my name?
	I will never change my name.
	I'm going to be myself.
	Cool.
	That's what's up.
	What is the point of this commercial?
	Okay, it's your shot, man.
	Come on.
	What's it a commercial for?
	WhatsApp.
	It's a commercial for WhatsApp?
	Yeah.
	Oh.
	No matter where I am in the world, I can talk to my family on WhatsApp.
	And I can just celebrate every part of who I am.
	All my names, all my identities.
	Who are you trying to be, little man?
	All my names?
	How many names do you have?
	Sup Raju?
	I can celebrate who I am, all my identities?
	Hey Beta!
	What are you talking about?
	They literally call him Beta.
	Sup Raju?
	Hey Beta?
	We don't talk like that, motherfucker!
	You know, you hear about the Greek guy who went into his proctologist and he said, uh, yeah, my ass hurts.
	It's, it's been bleeding.
	And he says, well, where does it hurt?
	And he goes right in the entrance.
	Do you have any, any advice?
	And he goes, yeah.
	Um, as long as you keep calling that your entrance, you're going to be having some serious problems.
	What's your name on WhatsApp?
	My name is Raju.
	It means like king, prince.
	It makes my sister mad.
	King.
	I'm a king.
	It's a unique bird.
	Ever notice the biggest losers keep calling themselves king?
	You don't have a lot of like successful white CEOs go, yo, I'm a CEO of Goldman Sachs.
	I'm a king.
	It's the bird.
	Number one.
	It's like, it's like in New York, all the poorest people have the word cash tattooed on them or dollar signs on their fucking hands tattooed.
	Gotta see it to be it!
	The bird which is the bald eagle makes an appearance.
	Oh, yeah.
	Monk a lie?
	Jumper's looking a little dry.
	What does dry mean?
	I'm in his head!
	I'm proud of my names.
	What gives you pride?
	Immigrants, when you're growing up, you feel like, oh, this is a weakness.
	It's my greatest strength.
	Yeah, it is, actually.
	You're right.
	It got you a career.
	I used to hate being brown because I didn't look normal, and then it became cool to not be normal, and now I'm rich.
	I'm American.
	I'm Desi.
	I'm Indian.
	This is my house!
	Immigrants are beautiful.
	We're tough.
	We're smart.
	Our language is exquisite.
	Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
	Immigrants are smart and tough.
	Our language is exquisite.
	Immigrants have one language?
	What language is this?
	Our language?
	What do you speak?
	I speak fluent immigrant.
	Oh, okay.
	You speak Farsi and Urdu and fucking Slovak.
	Our language is beautiful.
	Are you talking about Pakistanis?
	Are you talking about Urdu?
	What about British immigrants?
	Yeah, is their language beautiful?
	What a dumb, dumb person.
	Collectivism, because there's no one like us.
	There's no one like us immigrants?
	Immigrants rock, especially our language.
	Do you like immigrant language?
	Me too, it rocks.
	I'm proud of that, and I hope my kids can be the same.
	Oh my God!
	Proud of it.
	What are you going to be ashamed of being a Nigerian Greek whose dad is in the NBA?
	Will your kids be proud to be American because they'll live in America?
	Yeah.
	And I hope my kids can be the same.
	Oh my God!
	What letter are you on?
	I don't know.
	His stupid name's not going to fit on the fucking board.
	Have you seen this dude's jersey?
	It starts like on his ass and goes all the way up his back like a giant horseshoe.
	- Oh, zombies. - Damn it.
	I'm proud that I'm here having this conversation with you.
	I celebrate all my names, all my identities, all my cultures.
	You said that already.
	All our cultures.
	All the same way, because there's no one like us.
	All right, bro, we're done.
	Yeah.
	That is the most low IQ fucking commercial I've ever seen.
	We celebrate all our identities So he's talking about all identities in the world, basically, right?
	Immigrants come from everywhere.
	So he's saying there's nothing more unique than everyone in the world.
	I gotta be honest, um...
	There's one thing that I really like in the world.
	One type of person.
	Guess what type of person it is.
	Biden?
	No.
	Who?
	Immigrants.
	Yes, that is true.
	The thing I like about immigrants is I love their language.
	Because it's so unique.
	Right.
	Sound good?
	We're running out of time here.
	I think we could squeeze out a Pat Biden, briefly, shall we?
	Let's squeeze him out.
	Let's squeeze him out.
	Biden!
	Biden!
	President!
	Sleepy!
	Biden!
	And the monster to my pet.
	Biden, wait, that doesn't rhyme.
	I would be remiss if I did not mention that Biden was busting a gut about our dead children.
	How many people die a day from opioids? 200.
	I think we all know someone who lost a son or a daughter to this Chinese invasion.
	It's an act of war.
	China has attacked us.
	We are at war.
	The balloons, I think that these explosions all over the country are linked to China.
	I think this rampant incompetence in aviation with all these diversity hires is a globalist plan to make flying less safe.
	Yep.
	You heard it here first, folks.
	So, declaring war is hard, because then we get out the fighter jets and we start bombing people.
	But just to slowly boil us frogs in water until it's too late, that's a much better way to invade a country.
	And I think that's what China's doing.
	And they started with fentanyl.
	It's fucking horrific.
	Joe's comments on fentanyl have been to do nothing but trivialize it.
	At one point he said, We got 200,000 pounds of fentanyl confiscated?
	That's enough to kill something like 20 people?
	Whatever the math was, the implication was it would take 2,000 pounds of fentanyl to kill a man.
	It's hard to imagine being more far off than that, Joe.
	But anyway, Marjorie Taylor Greene is blaming Joe for all this fentanyl, and Joe says it was Trump's fault, because everything is Trump's fault to him.
	And then he laughs.
	Wait, stop.
	Stop.
	As you know, I like to brag and say I speak perfect Joe Biden.
	I think I may be stumped here.
	A few more and you're going to have a lottery headed your way?
	A little bit of more Marjorie Taylor Greene.
	A little bit of more Marjorie Taylor Greene.
	Got that.
	A few more, you're gonna have a lot of Republicans.
	A few more, you're gonna have a lot of Republicans.
	Republicans running our way.
	Running our way.
	Oh, nice, Ryan!
	Thank you.
	Good work, wow!
	Thank you.
	You know what, that's, when I say that immigrants have the best language, I forgot Joe Biden's language.
	That's my favorite language, right there.
	The immigrant language is my second favorite.
	Isn't she amazing?
	Ours is the reason she was very specific.
	I shouldn't digress, probably.
	Wait, go back.
	I gotta rest.
	She was very specific.
	I should rest, probably.
	What?
	You should digress, probably.
	She was very specific recently saying that a mom, a poor mother who lost two kids to fentanyl... Wait, go back.
	Sorry.
	You didn't go back far enough.
	She was very specific.
	I shouldn't digress probably.
	She was very specific recently saying that... So he's saying I shouldn't digress probably.
	Yeah.
	But the way he put it was not like that.
	Poor mother who lost two kids to fentanyl.
	That I killed her sons.
	It's not a joke.
	It's not a joke.
	You think I'm joking?
	It's hard to get his lower register down.
	It's tough, man.
	Poor mother who lost two kids to fentanyl that I killed her sons.
	Come on, Tom.
	Well, the interesting thing is that fentanyl they took came during the last administration.
	Look, folks.
	Anyway, I don't want to get started.
	Um, too late?
	That was exactly like Michael Richards after he yelled the N-word.
	Remember that?
	Yeah, yeah.
	See?
	Look.
	Look, folks.
	Words have consequences.
	I mean, you see?
	Words!
	It's about words!
	Look folks, I probably shouldn't be laughing about dead kids.
	Alright, let's look at some AI of him just to cleanse the palate.
	And pretend that he's actually interesting and not retarded.
	People want to make it about this and that.
	Look, we're in Ukraine.
	People want to make it about this and that.
	Look, Zelensky's a good guy.
	He's got his own Netflix show.
	Barack's got a Netflix show.
	I don't have a Netflix show.
	You know what I'm saying?
	But the Republicans, they just...
	I don't know.
	They think I'm trying to, you know, destroy America.
	They don't fight.
	Yeah.
	What do you want?
	Come on, man.
	You know?
	Like, it's, you know, it's just the way the world works now, you know?
	Like, it's, uh, what do you want for, you know?
	I don't hate you anymore, Joe.
	Thanks, computers.
	Or what's the 412 one?
	Again, to be clear, that was not Joe.
	That was a computer making Joe likable, and it worked.
	The truth is we don't know which way this is up anymore, you know, and I resent that people think I don't know if I'm going or coming, you know.
	I know when I'm coming, thank you very much.
	I resent all the conservative, radical, right-wing media painting me as some kind of I'm just ushering in the new world government, man.
	I mean, come on, man.
	Everybody's doing it, you know.
	Trudeau's doing it.
	Justin was like, hey.
	Join the club, man.
	This Klaus Schwab guy seems pretty fucking cool.
	All right.
	I'm going to work with him a little bit.
	OK, I get your angle.
	I forgive you.
	Here he is talking about the movie We Bought a Zoo.
	This stuff's coming to a close, isn't it?
	I feel like this is the last day we're gonna be showing AI.
	I'm enjoying this, don't get me wrong.
	But... I think it was you who pointed out that... Yeah, it's already like... It's losing its luster already.
	It's too accessible.
	It's like when you overuse the word... nigg.
	It loses the power in fun.
	It's sort of like when blowjobs first came out.
	Like, you're super excited the first week and then you're like, these are gay.
	Good evening, my fellow Americans.
	I've made a huge mistake.
	Are you familiar with the 2011 film We Bought a Zoo?
	The Matt Damon picture?
	ScarJo is in it as well.
	Although her performance isn't anything to shake a stick at, if I'm being honest.
	It was directed by Cameron Crowe, the fellow who made Jerry Maguire.
	Show me the money!
	Anyway, so I was watching We Bought a Zoo a few days ago because it came up on my Disney Plus after I finished an episode of that Baby Yoda show.
	And I thought, wow!
	I still can't believe they bought that freakin' zoo.
	So I looked it up and they really did do it.
	They really bought a zoo in real life.
	I thought it was just the Matt Damon movie, but it turns out it's based on a book by a gentleman who really did buy a zoo.
	In England, though.
	Not in California, like the movie.
	But anyway, this is where the trouble started.
	Because if someone could really buy a zoo in real life, not just in a movie, then hell, why shouldn't I buy a zoo?
	So I did.
	I bought a zoo.
	And my fellow Americans, I want to kill myself.
	Called America.
	Owning a zoo sucks.
	This shit is so hard.
	It looked much easier in the movie.
	In the film, Matt Damon and ScarJo have a great time as they get to know each other.
	Oh, wait a minute.
	I'm sure there were some trials and tribulations along the way, but by the end of the movie, everyone is happy, and Matt Damon even gets a kissy.
	My fellow Americans, I have not gotten even one kissy.
	Instead, I have gotten attacked by tigers and jaguars, wicked creatures of the jungle.
	I've been bitten by all manner of beasts, such as snakes and bats.
	I went to feed the kangaroos, and they all attacked me at once. - Wait a minute, that just reminded me of something.
	You gotta go to the very last link here, speaking of getting attacked.
	In the master or the email?
	In the notes.
	So this asshole, his job is to clean the cafeteria and shit, the stands, the hot dog stands.
	He's not supposed to be with the Tigers.
	And there are guys ready with tranquilizer darts, but They're there in the day, not when the zoos close.
	So this moron goes from sweeping up cigarette butts to Timothy Treadwell.
	I'm gonna go talk to the lions.
	I'm gonna talk to the tigers.
	Hello, tiger.
	Let's form a bond.
	And the tiger walks over to him.
	Matthew McConaughey brags about this.
	He says he was on acid and he got in a cage with a tiger and they became friends.
	Probably bullshit.
	But if it isn't, then it's a very lucky coincidence.
	The odds of this predator This brutal, alpha killer carnivore.
	This apex, what do they call him?
	Apex Predator?
	Yep.
	Being your friend or pretty low.
	So, he thinks he's living in a fucking Tony the Tiger cartoon.
	He goes over there, hello friend, here's my hand.
	And the tiger's like, ooh, a late night snack.
	Oh, my God.
	Is that real?
	Sorry.
	I assume your hand is gone.
	No, I don't carry tranquilizers.
	- Oh my God.
	- - You got a tranquilizer?
	- No, I don't carry tranquilizers, I'm a cop. - - - - - - - I'm a cop. - - - - - - - - Or just shoot fucking a bullet so that it gets scared or something.
	Well, that's what everyone says, but that's not how cops operate.
	I'm sick of warning shots.
	If I pull out my gun, I'm going for the kill.
	But it's an animal.
	Like, it might get scared.
	What a dummy.
	And he got a tiger shot.
	Sometimes I think dummies are just where they are because they're dummies.
	I mean, we're taught it's a lack of opportunity.
	And then this guy gets an opportunity to be near a tiger and what does he do?
	Give it himself.
	Offer himself up as a snack.
	Am I mean for having zero feelings for this fucking loser?
	No, he's an idiot.
	And he got a fucking beautiful animal shot.
	Yeah.
	Darwin Awards.
	Anyway, let's get back to, uh... Tiger King would never approve of that.
	I would never financially recover from this.
	I'm never gonna financially recover from this.
	Cannot do Tiger King.
	Carole Baskin.
	Carole Baskins is not my president.
	Carole Baskin is not my president.
	Fucking Carole Baskin, bitch.
	Fucking Carole Baskins.
	I haven't listened to him in a long time.
	I hope that's it.
	If he was ever going to get out of jail it was because of Netflix.
	We're living in an idiocracy.
	And the reason Alex Murdoch was charged, a big part of it was because He appeared guilty.
	I know he was guilty.
	I kept saying this to Brods.
	Yes, I know he's guilty too.
	But what is the evidence?
	And all I can see is that raincoat.
	He's getting sentenced any second now, by the way.
	Oh.
	Oh?
	Dude, before the weekend goes by, I have to alert you of this person's presence.
	Alert you of this person's presence?
	Yes?
	Alert you to?
	Alert you to.
	Her name is Sarah Castille something, I don't fuck, I'll tell you afterwards.
	Have you seen this chick?
	I don't know why I keep saying chick.
	It's a guy.
	It's a guy from America, I believe, who went to Ukraine to help out or whatever.
	So he gets his hand all fucked up in this video.
	And it's the way he says Slava Ukraini at the end of the video like he's a Ukrainian it sounds like a Borat joke and it has the vibe of like when you let your friend's little brother hang out with you and he gets hurt and he you think you're all gonna get in trouble but he's like I won't tell it's cool and you're like fuck we almost just got a lot of trouble.
	So you're about to show me fake Ukraine war footage is that it?
	Uh, I'm not gonna say it's fake.
	I think there's a lot of sketchy things about it that are fake.
	But this looks like she really got her hand blown off.
	She proves it later on.
	But I don't know how.
	Are you okay?
	Yeah, I'm fine, sir.
	You know what?
	They can't kill us.
	They can't hurt us.
	Victory is ours.
	It doesn't fucking matter.
	Why?
	Because we're Ukraine.
	And ultimately, Putin is going to be the one dead.
	Progrosin is going to be the one dead.
	And this is a small price for liberation and for freedom.
	Slava Ukraini!
	Heroin Slava!
	The guy in the background laughs, she goes, Slava Ukraini!
	And then there's a guy like, haha, yeah, Slava Ukraini.
	So there's some tranny who's there to fight for Ukraine?
	And she's been, the reason why it's so urgent because she's been just updating, I don't know why I keep saying she.
	He's a successful fag.
	Like he's, he is this woman all the time with his wig.
	Okay.
	And her updates are fantastic.
	You gotta keep up with it.
	The fact that she's like not, everybody isn't making fun of her is really wild.
	So whose side are you on?
	Not hers.
	Not his.
	Or Ukraine's.
	That was a boring segue, Ryan.
	No, keep up with him.
	Let's get back to two more AIs before we abandon my pet Biden and get to the mailbag.
	Here he is at a hardcore show.
	show.
	Two zero.
	Slavukarini.
	The touring bands?
	Oh, cool, man.
	It's going to be ten bucks for her, though.
	What the fuck?
	Nah man, she's my plus one.
	We don't do plus ones here bro.
	But I'm with the touring bands though.
	No Jack, you're the merch guy who showed up just before the closing band started playing and she's just a girl you met on Tinder like five hours ago.
	Whatever, this is fucking stupid.
	Nice turnstile shirt by the way.
	What's wrong with Turnstile?
	They're sellouts.
	Yeah, what band didn't sell out?
	SSD Control.
	The kids will have their say is an all-timer.
	The album artwork slaps too.
	Oh, you're one of them, huh?
	One of what?
	Dudes who pretend they've been listening to 80s hardcore from the moment they were born.
	Nah, dude, I just hate sellouts.
	It just turns out that bands from the 80s were authentic.
	You're full of shit!
	I can literally pull up your Facebook and see your profile pics from, like, 2011.
	You know what?
	Fuck you.
	Hey, what the fuck?
	Respect the fucking space.
	Respect the fucking space.
	And one more, and then we gotta hit the letters.
	And we're not doing this again.
	Again, big fan, but this has run its course.
	It was fun while it lasted, though.
	In a way, this is our goodbye to Biden and Trump AIs.
	You don't have to AI Trump.
	Everything he says is gold.
	Having promiscuous sex is against the core tenets of being straight edge.
	Joe, you know this, and it's sad that you are selling out like this.
	No.
	No, you're wrong on this, Donald.
	You can't claim edge if you're not a vegan.
	That's the truth, Jack.
	If you eat meat, you're eating all the drugs and chemicals that they pump those poor innocent animals with.
	So you think fucking a bunch of sluts doesn't go against the core ethics of being straight-edge?
	You're an idiot, Joe!
	Oh, so now we're slut-shaming.
	I outlined why veganism is a core component of being straight-edge on my blog at joexvx.tumblr.com.
	I bet you had caffeine this morning, Joe.
	My friend said that was a drug.
	Tell your friend I said fuck you, Jack.
	You're giving me a headache, Joe.
	And are you gonna take ibuprofen for that?
	Uh, probably it's not a recreational drug, so... It's still a drug, fucking edgebreaker!
	Yeah, Joe, which Minor Threat song says to not take ibuprofen?
	They didn't need to, it's a drug.
	Plain and simple, Jack.
	Yeah, okay, dude.
	I'm gonna get so fucked up on ibuprofen and drive home.
	Whatever you say, dude.
	Damn, good arguments.
	Great arguments, that was a fun discussion.
	Good writing.
	The secret to good jokes is good writing.
	Alright, let's hit the letters page, folks.
	Time to read some lets.
	Let's turn our eyes to Gavin's mailbag.
	Let me touch it.
	What's up, Gav?
	I've heard you talk about Ashton Burdie in the past.
	Did you know she's now an OnlyFans whore?
	Oh, man.
	Are you sure?
	I logged into my Instagram and she had an update pushing her new account where she pimps her OnlyFans page.
	Very sad.
	I thought she trolls people.
	Okay, that's good.
	And like she's dressed as a nun.
	But I don't know, that was like a year ago.
	She totally stabbed me in the back during the FBI thing.
	And I went through our texts and it's just me trying to get her places to stay all over America because she's traveling and she feels safe around Proud Boys and I'm like, I think I can get you a couch in Sacramento.
	Yeah, I was always there for her when her parents kicked her out of the house.
	And then she fucking stabbed me in the back.
	What's the lesson there?
	Can't trust broads?
	I don't know.
	I do believe that this sort of world we're in right now, and I want to call it the not-lefts, like being on the, well, I guess what the mainstream sees as the alt-right or the dissident right, which I don't think it is.
	I think it's just normal.
	It's just not radical left.
	But the way they operate is you're 100% with us or 100% against us, as Jim Norton pointed out.
	And to be here, you're cancelled, they attack your family.
	You gotta have pretty thick skin.
	And my experience has been very few women can handle it.
	Michelle Malkin can handle it.
	Dana Lash can handle it.
	There's been moments where she's had round-the-clock security.
	Dana Lash has to talk to her kids' school about an escape route.
	They've had to move out in the middle of the night.
	Cassandra Fairbanks had to move out in the middle of the night after Antifa blew up her house with fucking fireworks.
	Her daughter still gets PTSD on the 4th of July.
	Damn.
	Cassandra can handle it, Ann Coulter can handle it.
	Ashton Burdy, not so much.
	Lauren Southern, not so much.
	Laura Loomer can, but she's had some rough times, man.
	Rough moments.
	But yeah, look up, see if she has an OnlyFans.
	When I see girls on OnlyFans, it's sort of like when I see a guy who looks like a complete queer on the street and I honestly walk by him and my fingers are crossed and I go, please be a fag, please be a fag, please be a fag.
	Because I obviously don't care if a gay guy is dressed like a homo.
	But when it's a... When it's a dude... Oh no.
	When it's a dude who's straight and he's dressed like a homo, it bums me out.
	And similarly, I feel the same way when I look up a girl and she's like got her head on straight and she's sort of conservative.
	I go, please don't have an OnlyFans, please don't have an OnlyFans, please don't have an OnlyFans.
	And you click on it and there it is.
	Like that comedian I just looked up.
	She's named, she looks kind of Asian.
	I think she's Irish.
	Her name's like Kaylee Freely or something.
	Do you know who I'm talking about?
	Karen Feehan.
	Yeah, yeah.
	And I was looking at her and I clicked on her like links page and I was like, don't have an OnlyFans, don't have an OnlyFans, don't have an OnlyFans.
	Oh her whole thing is- Oh no it doesn't have an OnlyFans!
	Her whole thing is an OnlyFans thing.
	No, wait a minute.
	Karen Feehan?
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	She does have an OnlyFans?
	She's nude all over the place.
	See, that's unfortunate.
	You can see her asshole.
	Ladies, you get, God gives you a little change purse when you're born.
	It's your chastity.
	There's like 13 coins in it.
	They're very, very valuable.
	You can cash them in and get an OnlyFans, but then there's no more money in the thing.
	Well, yeah, but I'm rich.
	Yeah.
	No one marries an OnlyFans.
	Sorry.
	No one wants, if a key unlocks all the locks, it's a very valuable key.
	If a lock can be locked by any, unlocked by any key, it's not a valuable lock.
	You're not a valuable lock if you're on OnlyFans because you've had a million keys open you up.
	So does Ashton have one?
	Yeah.
	And does it look, is it a joke?
	Um, you can't tell.
	You can't, you gotta subscribe to find out, right?
	Um, you can't tell.
	But her, uh, Instagram... Is her Instagram hony?
	Because if her Instagram is all sexy hony, and then she has an OnlyFans that's a joke, I guess that's fraud.
	I prefer fraud to selling yourself as a whore.
	So it looks like it, because these are some of the pictures that are around.
	Unless, no, that's too much credit.
	That doesn't look like a joke.
	That looks like a professional photographer was involved.
	Oh well.
	Who did some uneven face tuning between this one and then the side profile.
	But anyway, whatever.
	That's just nitpicking.
	The photographer.
	The editor.
	It's too bad, man.
	Yeah it's like Karen Feehan I remember seeing her nude because I heard people were talking about it and then I never went back again like you're just completely uninterested.
	Yeah they're always like yeah but I make you know 80 grand a month or something and you're like yeah if Superman did like conventions he'd make tons of money but now the Superman is ruined and it's a guy who signs 8x10s.
	And I- She could just be posting non-nudes, just sexy photos like that.
	But you know what's sexy photos?
	Next door neighbor to rape porn.
	So.
	Another hot take from the Rye guy.
	One person multiples.
	Hi Gavin, Detective Shitty.
	Always hear you talking about how having kids allows you to multiply in many people.
	But even this is ridiculous.
	I don't think it's ridiculous.
	Thanks for keeping my sanity and boredom in check.
	I've been a pool shitter since 19.
	Still love the show.
	I love when young people think that four years ago was a long time.
	Dude, I've been into you since like 22.
	Yeah, I've been doing this since 1992.
	Mother of 16 children, 83 grandchildren, 204 great-grandchildren, and 93 great-great-grandchildren, and last but not least, 44 great-great-great-grandchildren.
	But the world's overpopulated!
	That's so bad for the environment!
	Doesn't look like it's bad for the environment.
	They seem to keep going.
	And all you spinsters, like, what's-her-name, Amanda...
	The one who always writes about Proud Boys, that has a store in Philly called Latchkey, where they sell toys to adults.
	Amanda... I think I have her name here.
	And she's really concerned about Drag Queen Story Hour.
	So let's get this straight.
	You're obsessed with a children's right to... Hannah Sparks is a different one.
	Amanda Marcotte.
	M-A-R-C-O-T-T-E.
	So let me get this right.
	You're obsessed with children having the right to, uh, there she is in the middle there.
	You're obsessed with children having the right to be around crotch shots.
	And you also run a store that's about young people and adults having the same interests.
	Latchkey.
	Doesn't look good.
	And also, you could have had a legacy.
	You could have been immortal.
	You blew it.
	You ended your legacy by letting your ovaries dry up just like all the other sad 35 year olds.
	That's pathetic.
	Would you rather have sex with a woman with a two face and an eight body or an eight face and a two body?
	That's easy for me, I'd go with the face.
	Eight face, two body.
	Oh, really?
	Oh, okay.
	Yeah.
	Us older dudes say shit like that, because it's true.
	But, uh, yeah, we don't, we're not as obsessed with bodies.
	I'm sure when I was 22 I'd probably say the opposite.
	What about you, Ryan?
	I think there's merit in both, because what are you really looking at?
	What are you, a chick?
	Just answer the question.
	I'd prefer the eight body.
	You'd rather a hot body and an ugly face?
	Yeah.
	It's dark out.
	You don't even see the body.
	There's merit in both, but if it's not dark out.
	Hi, Gavington and Rigustus.
	I'm desperately trying to figure out what I'm going to do with my life.
	I just got dumped by a woman who clearly had mental illness.
	Yeah, she must be mentally ill if she dumped you.
	That's what I said to Joe Tonelli when he got dumped.
	I go, it must hurt to be abandoned by someone who's clearly so perceptive.
	Yeah.
	And then I went to the bathroom and laughed at my own joke as I pissed.
	Did he just agree?
	Yes.
	He didn't even realize he was slighted.
	He's Coco the Gorilla.
	He doesn't really agree or not agree.
	He just goes... He took the words from my mouth.
	She promised me everything, marriage, kids.
	Wait, and then he flings shit all over the place too.
	Just like a gorilla.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	That's actually come up before.
	She promised me everything, marriage, kids, the whole nine.
	Now I'm single again at 32.
	You mean she promised you marriage and kids and then she took it away?
	Oh lord.
	I work for a municipality but I'm low on the totem pole.
	I've been going through the process of getting my bullshit degree in business administration slash public administration to get an even better job in the government.
	He said BS degree.
	I did stand-up comedy for a few years but I started late at 29.
	I really love stand-up and I'm always writing but there's a bundle of issues with pursuing comedy.
	Obviously I'm a Republican and the comedy world is a cesspool of liberal retards.
	I spent a few hours arguing with a booker slash comedian last night about how drag shows aren't for children.
	The comedian lifestyle is lonely as fuck.
	If I got to the point of being a working comic, quote-unquote, I'd have to be on the road all the time.
	And even if I started a family, I probably wouldn't be able to support them.
	And I'd have to leave them all the time.
	On top of all that, I'm a straight white guy.
	Not exactly Netflix's preferred show pony.
	I apologize for the lack of brevity, but your sage wisdom would be greatly appreciated.
	I like you more than a friend Rory.
	What a deal- He's so move.
	We don't know what he's planning.
	Yeah, Rory, like, what do you want from me?
	Pursue your job.
	I don't know how you can be promised marriage and kids and then it's taken away.
	You dodged a bullet.
	She's clearly a bitch, although I'm starting to understand why she dumped you.
	And yeah, no one's offering you a career in comedy, so you don't have to make these decisions.
	Continue with your day job.
	Do open mics at night.
	If those explode, then yeah, maybe start doing a few other shows until you have enough money to fly somewhere and Keep doing it that way, like this whole idea of like, oh, I'm so worried about the road!
	If I was to hit the road as a comedian... Get the fuck back in your fucking hall!
	Now!
	I was gonna look up his comedy, but let's not totally humiliate the fucking dork.
	Alright, it's time for the final vid, awry guy.
	Ah, yes, the part of the show in the video of finality.
	It begins with me screaming my head off like this.
	Do you have to shake the entire building with that fucking speaker, bro?
	It's on the Evergreen page.
	I'm worried about our neighbors Finding out who we are First of all This is an inspiring piece of art That I think sets the tone For the weekend It's on the Evergreen page Dude with giant chocolate head I don't know man We laugh at art, especially modern art, and say it's garbage now, and every once in a while you see something and you go, that's really fucking cool!
	And I don't know how you did that, and I like that you did that, and you made something awesome, and thanks for being weird.
	Nope.
	Yeah, blow that up nice and big, bro.
	Alright.
	Big as you can.
	It's art.
	We want art to be big.
	Art.
	Bigger, bigger, bigger, bigger, bigger, bigger.
	Here we go, here we go, here we go, here we go!
	Yeah, that's a good size.
	Hold your breath.
	Make a wish.
	Count to three.
	Come with me and you'll be in a world of pure imagination.
	It's really turned out exactly how he wanted it to.
	Into your imagination.
	Pretty great, huh?
	I like it.
	It's awesome.
	Come with me.
	Alright guys, have a fun weekend.
	Enjoy your family.
	Try to get off those screens.
	Try to do something new.
	Get outside.
	Unplug.
	Experience nature.
	Go for a long-ass walk.
	Go for a walk so long your dog is kind of bummed.
	I want your dog to be exhausted at the end of this walk and bring as many family members with you as you possibly can.
	And while you're on these walks, be yourself.
	Have character.
	Be honest.
	Don't let anyone change who you are.
	Be brave.
	If you're at work and you feel like you can't be yourself, I mean, don't be an idiot and say, I think blacks are lazy!
	But if you like Trump, you can be like, I don't know, you guys all seem to hate him, I think he had some merit, the economy was doing well.
	You can slowly, just like that, peel off the layers and let the real you seep out.
	And if that gets you in trouble, fine.
	You know, you have to, you're a fighter.
	And you'll look back at your life as an old man and you'll say, when everyone was being a pussy, I stood my ground.
	And your grandchildren will say, what were you doing during the cancel years and the culture wars?
	And you'll go, I stood my ground.
	I got in a lot of trouble, but I kept fighting.
	So get fired, get in trouble, be brave, and never stop fighting.
	Let's go!
	It's always watching!

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