Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - S04E66 - MERRY CHRISTMAS BABY MONSTERS!
Aired: 2021-12-25
Duration: 48:52


=== Fucking Pie Time (10:20) ===

[00:00:14]  From New York, it's Get Off My Lawn with Gavin McInnes.
[00:00:19]  A couple tries to stop.
[00:00:22]  Rockin'around the Christmas tree.
[00:00:25]  Let the Christmas spirit ring.
[00:00:29]  Later we'll have some fuckin'pie.
[00:00:32]  And we'll do some caroling.
[00:00:36]  *Pain*
[00:00:40]  See, that was a different time, that song.
[00:00:43]  That was a time when you could swear in pop songs.
[00:00:50]  And then we become so uptight in our modern age.
[00:00:54]  Later, we'll have some fucking pie.
[00:00:57]  Later, we'll have some fucking pie.
[00:01:01]  Like, she loves pie.
[00:01:03]  Want some fucking pie.
[00:01:05]  Yeah, and you can tell she's so plump, too.
[00:01:08]  You know what I mean?
[00:01:08]  Like, it gets you in the Christmas spirit because this woman's not messing around.
[00:01:12]  Later, we'll have some fucking pie.
[00:01:14]  We'll open presents and shit.
[00:01:17]  It's going to be fucking awesome.
[00:01:19]  Fuck under the mistletoe.
[00:01:21]  Yeah, we don't kiss under the mistletoe.
[00:01:23]  We butt fuck.
[00:01:24]  Yeah, 69.
[00:01:25]  Yeah, fuck.
[00:01:27]  Put your tongue down my throat if you're near the mistletoe.
[00:01:30]  Which is a pagan tradition.
[00:01:33]  A lot of paganism in Christmas.
[00:01:35]  That's why I get annoyed when the Jews and the Buddhists and the atheists don't put shit up on their lawn.
[00:01:40]  That's kind of a, I could take that as a bit of a fuck you to me.
[00:01:44]  And to all of us, and to Christmas, to today.
[00:01:48]  Just put a light on your lawn.
[00:01:50]  Put a thing up.
[00:01:51]  The Chinese do in Diker Heights.
[00:01:54]  Oh, I got to show you that.
[00:01:55]  Thank God I remember.
[00:01:56]  Did I send you my pics?
[00:01:57]  No.
[00:01:58]  I went to Diker Heights, which is deep in Brooklyn.
[00:02:02]  It's at the bottom of the Brooklyn.
[00:02:04]  Airdrop open.
[00:02:06]  I guess I won't include them with my kids because we live in a psychotic society where my children can't be identified.
[00:02:14]  I forget what I saw recently and they showed their kids and I was like, oh, what are you doing?
[00:02:18]  Yeah.
[00:02:19]  Unpublish, edit.
[00:02:20]  The left can show their kids.
[00:02:22]  I guess I'll do airdrop.
[00:02:23]  Did you turn on the airdrop?
[00:02:24]  Yeah.
[00:02:25]  Yay.
[00:02:26]  I'm in Diker Heights.
[00:02:28]  Diker Heights is known as Italian, old school.
[00:02:31]  Kind of a tough neighborhood.
[00:02:33]  There's Puerto Ricans and there's Irish and stuff.
[00:02:37]  Did you get it?
[00:02:39]  It says scent.
[00:02:40]  Gavin's iMac?
[00:02:42]  No.
[00:02:43]  It would be censored Mac.
[00:02:46]  Okay.
[00:02:46]  We're not doing a very good job here of entertaining people.
[00:02:49]  Or you can text him to me.
[00:02:50]  He'll pop up.
[00:02:52]  Yeah.
[00:02:55]  It's kind of a tough, very old school Brooklyn.
[00:02:57]  Like, guys who grew up there in Diker Heights, we're right by Coney Island and stuff, like the Warriors.
[00:03:02]  They never left that block.
[00:03:04]  But there's some WAPs, some zips make money.
[00:03:07]  Zips and nips make money.
[00:03:10]  And so they want to, and they have construction shit going on.
[00:03:13]  So they'll take a few supplies from the job, a bit of drywall, and bring it to the house they're building.
[00:03:20]  And they build these monolithic McMansions that are fucking ridiculous.
[00:03:26]  I like them.
[00:03:26]  They're so tacky.
[00:03:27]  I wouldn't want to live in one, but like a Greek column that's as big as this building.
[00:03:33]  You don't know this building, but like you would die if you fell from the top of it.
[00:03:37]  Seamless, too.
[00:03:38]  It looks like it's one big piece.
[00:03:40]  You know, back in Rome, they'd have the slaves do that.
[00:03:44]  That's one house.
[00:03:45]  That's a Chinaman, that guy.
[00:03:48]  Dang.
[00:03:48]  Because he was in his driveway getting something from his truck.
[00:03:50]  I go, can I ask you something?
[00:03:52]  I said, like, I put up Christmas lights in my house.
[00:03:55]  I would be, I don't like putting up stuff super high where you'll die if you fall.
[00:03:59]  And I go, go back to the other one.
[00:04:02]  I go to him, how do they do that?
[00:04:06]  You can't really see it, but the very tippity top.
[00:04:09]  Like, how do they get those up?
[00:04:10]  Do they go from the roof and lean down?
[00:04:12]  I'm getting like seasick just talking about it.
[00:04:15]  And he goes, oh, they use a ladder.
[00:04:19]  And I realize, oh, you hired a bunch of Mexicans to do this.
[00:04:22]  They did a great job.
[00:04:23]  In my old neighborhood, in Brooklyn, there was a house where the guy spent $10,000 a year.
[00:04:29]  He was next to a synagogue.
[00:04:30]  And he spent $10,000 on his decorations every year.
[00:04:35]  Oh, it's snowing in here.
[00:04:37]  It's chilly.
[00:04:39]  I'm going to have some eggnog.
[00:04:43]  Ooh, are you cold too?
[00:04:45]  Yeah.
[00:04:46]  You're nice and blinking.
[00:04:48]  You're so cold and blurry.
[00:04:49]  You're so cold, it's blurry out.
[00:04:52]  It does happen during blizzards.
[00:04:54]  It's blurzards.
[00:04:56]  Your mic's sharp, though.
[00:04:58]  Well, because they don't feel temperature.
[00:05:01]  They didn't have to deal with the myths and the legends.
[00:05:04]  So I guess Chinese people are getting rich, and they're very mathematical.
[00:05:10]  They have the abacus, and they just go, this is the best value for my dollar.
[00:05:13]  I can commute.
[00:05:14]  I don't mind.
[00:05:15]  I don't have a soul.
[00:05:16]  So I can be in traffic for two hours a day.
[00:05:18]  The traffic, if you hit traffic going to Diker Heitzenbach, it's AIDS.
[00:05:22]  It's 45 minutes or it's half an hour from the city, but with traffic, it's like three fucking hours.
[00:05:27]  I don't know how those people do it.
[00:05:29]  I would just get up at two in the morning, which I guess the Chinese do.
[00:05:32]  Anyway, very cool walking around there.
[00:05:35]  They're not cheap.
[00:05:37]  It's not like a foam gingerbread man.
[00:05:39]  It's like a polyurethane gingerbread man.
[00:05:43]  It's like, what do you call that stuff?
[00:05:46]  That's like, I wanted the floor of the studio to be this, and the guy kind of gipped me off.
[00:05:50]  What am I talking about?
[00:05:52]  The, you know, the sound.
[00:05:54]  Polyurethane sounded.
[00:05:55]  No, you know, like when you want to encase something in lacquer or ever helped me with something I can't remember ever since the day you were born.
[00:06:08]  That shit's cool.
[00:06:09]  Anyway.
[00:06:12]  Look at that.
[00:06:12]  Oh, so you go, well, what if someone?
[00:06:14]  Epoxy.
[00:06:14]  Epoxy.
[00:06:15]  Thank you.
[00:06:17]  What if someone steals one of these?
[00:06:19]  They're not cheap.
[00:06:21]  That little grouch, Oscar the Grouch, there, must be, I would say, 40 bucks.
[00:06:26]  So it adds up 40, 80, 120, 160, 200, 240, 280, like 300 bucks a shit floating around.
[00:06:35]  So, what they do is, and I think they also do this so they don't blow over, they tie a fishing line to it.
[00:06:41]  A lot of firemen out there, too, which is good because firemen will do like a 30-hour shift, 48-hour shift.
[00:06:46]  So, they're not really worried about traffic, right?
[00:06:47]  You go to weird time, 2 in the morning, you do your crazy shift, you come back at 2 in the morning, it works for them.
[00:06:55]  So, what they do is they have fishing line intertwangled, I invented that word, intertwangled around each other.
[00:07:01]  So, say you grab Oscar, you're grabbing the whole kit in Caboodle.
[00:07:04]  And I also noticed there was a security dude there.
[00:07:09]  I guess if, you know, I've had security guys in my house.
[00:07:12]  They're about $1,000 a night, max.
[00:07:15]  If they're buddies, they'll do it for $600.
[00:07:17]  But, you know, you get four blocks.
[00:07:20]  They all pitch in.
[00:07:21]  It's pretty affordable.
[00:07:24]  I don't know what buenotale means.
[00:07:26]  I thought it was their last name.
[00:07:28]  Oh, is that Italian for Merry Christmas?
[00:07:33]  Yeah, that must be it.
[00:07:35]  Hey, computer, what's Italian for Merry Christmas?
[00:07:40]  Merry Christmas in Italian is Buonotale.
[00:07:45]  Yeah.
[00:07:46]  I can also translate conversations.
[00:07:48]  Unnecessary, computer.
[00:07:50]  No, thank you.
[00:07:52]  Hey, computer, do you relay my private conversations to the FBI?
[00:07:59]  I don't know that.
[00:08:02]  Hey, computer, do you have any correspondence with the FBI or law enforcement?
[00:08:08]  Sorry, I don't know that one.
[00:08:10]  Hey, computer, do you celebrate Christmas?
[00:08:14]  When the season is about goodwill and cheer, you can count on me to celebrate.
[00:08:19]  Very politically correct computer here.
[00:08:23]  Good season and cheer.
[00:08:25]  What's he saying?
[00:08:26]  Look at that shit.
[00:08:28]  That's a home.
[00:08:30]  That fucking hotel is a home.
[00:08:31]  And like I've always said, I don't get big houses.
[00:08:34]  That must be a 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7.
[00:08:38]  At least a 12-bedroom house.
[00:08:40]  So I understand if you got 12 kids, but what if you don't?
[00:08:46]  You have guests over?
[00:08:47]  Okay, your dining room table must be 30 feet long.
[00:08:51]  And now you're just living in a hotel.
[00:08:53]  I've said it before and I'll say it again.
[00:08:55]  I live in a big house.
[00:08:56]  I lived in a house so big that I had to text my kids when it was bedtime because I didn't know where the fuck they were.
[00:09:03]  That's what I was talking about, by the way, when I said expensive.
[00:09:05]  Cut me out of the picture for a sec.
[00:09:08]  There's two gingerbread.
[00:09:10]  There's a gingerbread man and a gingerbread woman.
[00:09:13]  Gingerbread woman.
[00:09:15]  And if you zoom in, those are not cheap, dude.
[00:09:20]  Those are really nice things that could be in the window at Macy's.
[00:09:27]  Nice balls, too.
[00:09:28]  God, I should have said that.
[00:09:30]  The guy was home.
[00:09:32]  Pock, hindsight's 2020.
[00:09:33]  We got some presents on today's show, right?
[00:09:36]  Gift exchange.
[00:09:37]  Ryan and I did a Secret Santa here at the studio.
[00:09:41]  And coincidentally, what would you know?
[00:09:43]  Would you know it?
[00:09:46]  I got Ryan and he got me.
[00:09:47]  Yeah.
[00:09:48]  And I remembered.
[00:09:49]  I didn't forget.
[00:09:50]  I will introduce the Censored TV Annual Secret Center.
[00:10:06]  Pump, pump the jam, pump the jam.
[00:10:08]  Graphics you were targeting.
[00:10:10]  Thank you.
[00:10:11]  So yes, the reveal, I got.
[00:10:16]  Are we dumping right into it?
[00:10:17]  Hold on.
[00:10:18]  Hold your weish, as we say in Scotland.

=== Boring Yet Beneficial (03:50) ===

[00:10:21]  Have you shown all the Diker Heights?
[00:10:23]  All the Diker has been Sassine.
[00:10:26]  Let's see.
[00:10:27]  There's the gingerbread, and then we're back to this guy.
[00:10:30]  Yeah.
[00:10:31]  Right?
[00:10:32]  Yep.
[00:10:33]  Jesus is hanging out.
[00:10:36]  You know, it's a long drive, but I purposely chose, I told the kids no screens, and it was a really good time because they had no choice but to talk to me.
[00:10:46]  It's weird, having teenagers and a young kid, the things you make them do, the memories you create, aren't necessarily fun.
[00:10:58]  They don't really love it.
[00:11:01]  Like, they like their drugs, their crack, which is Fortnite MLB the show, watching some old flavor of love, playing.
[00:11:10]  I'm including all my kids here and all their weird things they're into.
[00:11:14]  That's when they really enjoy themselves.
[00:11:16]  It's sort of like Amy Winehouse in that documentary where she's winning an award.
[00:11:19]  And she goes, this is so, she whispers to her friend, this is so fucking boring without drugs.
[00:11:24]  So you're taking away their drugs and you're doing something else.
[00:11:27]  But when they look back, they're not going to look back at Fortnite and M.L.B. The show.
[00:11:30]  They'll look back at when their dad took them to Diker Heights or when they went skiing.
[00:11:34]  I don't know if they thoroughly enjoy the actual act of skiing.
[00:11:40]  But you're like, it's away from screens.
[00:11:42]  You're being with your family.
[00:11:43]  You're enjoying yourself.
[00:11:44]  We're creating memories.
[00:11:46]  It's a bizarre phenomenon where the things that are best for them are not the things they enjoy the most.
[00:11:54]  She's just like, I wish this microphone was a syringe.
[00:12:00]  She didn't even die of drugs, you know.
[00:12:01]  Is this the clip?
[00:12:03]  No.
[00:12:04]  Well, maybe.
[00:12:06]  this is so boring without heroin But even Christmas with the whole family, like, does everyone enjoys it, especially the moms.
[00:12:20]  But do they really, does everyone else really enjoy it the way they enjoy their favorite thing?
[00:12:25]  And then I started thinking, I'm not sure I even enjoy my favorite thing.
[00:12:30]  Like, a blowjob is inarguable.
[00:12:33]  Everyone enjoys that.
[00:12:34]  It's not like anyone's going like this during a BJ.
[00:12:37]  So that's like indisputably good, feeling good, great.
[00:12:44]  But like, when you're, I like being in my old man bar sitting around.
[00:12:48]  Sometimes I'm talking to people that I normally wouldn't be friends with in normal life, or I'm just watching Law and Order with the sound off, and I'm trying to follow the plot with no subtitles.
[00:12:57]  Like, it looks like a cop got shot.
[00:13:01]  And yeah.
[00:13:04]  At least with heroin, you're definitely enjoying yourself.
[00:13:07]  There's no arguing.
[00:13:09]  But that's not good for you.
[00:13:11]  Anyway, I'm off of a tangent here.
[00:13:13]  You're sitting with the family.
[00:13:14]  You're all watching GOML together.
[00:13:16]  It's like changing my baby's diaper.
[00:13:18]  It's definitely not fun.
[00:13:19]  Oh, that's a great example.
[00:13:20]  For once, Detective Shitty brings up something good.
[00:13:22]  It feels good, but it's not fun.
[00:13:26]  Yeah, it stinks like shit.
[00:13:27]  It literally stinks like shit.
[00:13:28]  And when I had my last kid, when he was on his diapers, and he was getting to be like whatever the age is two when they run out, every diaper, I was like, this could be the last diaper I ever do in my life.
[00:13:39]  Weird.
[00:13:40]  Till I die.
[00:13:41]  That's sad.
[00:13:42]  Unless I get some grandbaby diapers, which I don't think I'll make it that far.
[00:13:47]  And so I was like coveting every shitstimere.
[00:13:50]  Yeah.
[00:13:51]  It's like that saying, Cormac McCarthy said, there's no joy at the tavern as great as the road there too.

=== Joyful Messes (04:32) ===

[00:13:58]  A lot of the stuff we enjoy isn't necessarily joyful.
[00:14:03]  Like salt and vinegar chips or like spicy burritos that hurt your mouth or rough sex.
[00:14:12]  Yeah, hot sauce, come to think of it, I enjoy putting hot sauce on stuff, but it's not fun.
[00:14:17]  I don't like it.
[00:14:18]  It tastes good.
[00:14:18]  And I always, if I have a burrito and there's no sriracha or hot or Tabasco around, I'm not eating it.
[00:14:23]  Yeah.
[00:14:24]  I eat hot sauce till I'm in pain.
[00:14:26]  Yep.
[00:14:27]  So I'm having a painful food.
[00:14:31]  We're weird as humans, aren't we?
[00:14:36]  Anyway, speaking of joy, this is a short app, you know, just a Christmas app.
[00:14:40]  We wanted to squeeze it in here because we love Christmas.
[00:14:43]  We're Christians, Catholics.
[00:14:45]  Big day, big day.
[00:14:46]  And judging by the amount of boxes by your desk, Ryan, I think you got me a lot of...
[00:14:56]  Who's that?
[00:14:57]  Merry Christmas.
[00:14:59]  Oh, my God, Jesse Lee Peterson.
[00:15:01]  Welcome to the studio.
[00:15:02]  It's great to see you again.
[00:15:04]  I'm happy that you said that about Christmas.
[00:15:06]  It is about the Lord.
[00:15:08]  It's not about the children of the lie will tell you that Christmas is about presents and commerciality.
[00:15:17]  It's not.
[00:15:19]  It's about Jesus.
[00:15:21]  Jesus is a focal point of Christmas.
[00:15:23]  But the thing I kind of like about it is the ambiguity with the commercialism.
[00:15:27]  Like, I like it all.
[00:15:28]  Throw it all in.
[00:15:30]  Like, there's a lot of paganism in Christmas.
[00:15:32]  Jesus was not born on the 24th.
[00:15:35]  That's the sun god.
[00:15:36]  But we wanted to bring in the pagans.
[00:15:37]  So we pulled them in.
[00:15:38]  The mistletoe, all of the plants lying around.
[00:15:42]  Even the Christmas tree, that's paganism.
[00:15:45]  So we pulled that in, and I kind of see them as trophies as Christianity-dominated paganism.
[00:15:51]  Almost like a snowball at the top of a hill, and then you keep rolling it.
[00:15:55]  And we didn't have snow.
[00:15:57]  Yeah, Jesus is the snowball.
[00:15:59]  And then all the paganism and commercialization and Santa Claus and the Nordic God and the reindeer.
[00:16:06]  That's all the extra snow that gets on top.
[00:16:07]  And then you get to the bottom.
[00:16:08]  You have this big giant snowball.
[00:16:09]  It's kind of like American history.
[00:16:11]  Like people go, take down the Confederate statues.
[00:16:13]  That was bad.
[00:16:14]  And you go, yeah, there's a lot of bad.
[00:16:16]  Good, bad.
[00:16:18]  It's all, you know, we have this obsession in 2021, about to be 2022, where we want to sanitize everything.
[00:16:26]  But the moral of today's show is take the crunchy with the smooth.
[00:16:29]  That's right.
[00:16:30]  You know, it's like when I made my mom make mints and tatties without anything in the mints but mints.
[00:16:35]  It was gross and boring.
[00:16:37]  I liked the vegetables I don't like in the mints.
[00:16:40]  So you got to include the Confederate statutes.
[00:16:42]  You got to include slavery.
[00:16:44]  You got to include the Civil War.
[00:16:45]  It's all the messes that we all went through that brought us together today.
[00:16:50]  That's right.
[00:16:51]  Enjoy the mess.
[00:16:52]  Enjoy the filth, the evil.
[00:16:54]  Take the snow and make a snowman out of it.
[00:16:57]  I mean, we didn't have snow back then.
[00:16:58]  Where we grew up, we were too poor.
[00:17:01]  You couldn't afford snow?
[00:17:02]  That's right.
[00:17:03]  So we used to take like a Bisquick or like a pancake batter and we used to lay it on the floor and then make little snow lumps.
[00:17:11]  So then we put a car lumps.
[00:17:13]  a carrot coming out the top.
[00:17:14]  We couldn't afford carrots neither, but we had a You don't want to tell me what you used for carrots?
[00:17:24]  It's private?
[00:17:26]  Are you ashamed?
[00:17:27]  You were on a show recently with Jesse Lee Peterson.
[00:17:32]  Yeah.
[00:17:32]  Do you have a clip of that?
[00:17:33]  Can we see that?
[00:17:33]  I don't have a clip of it yet, but if you go to Matt Andrews' YouTube, I think he should be putting it out.
[00:17:38]  It should be out by now.
[00:17:40]  Okay, we'll check that out.
[00:17:42]  Well, thank you for coming on the show, Jesse.
[00:17:43]  God bless it.
[00:17:44]  Merry Christmas.
[00:17:45]  He, he, he.
[00:17:47]  He doesn't like saying ho because he's against prostitution.
[00:17:52]  I like delaying the presents here.
[00:17:54]  That's kind of another fun part of Christmas.
[00:17:56]  We let the kids open one present on Christmas Eve.
[00:18:00]  My youngest son chose the weirdest present he's ever asked for.
[00:18:04]  He asked for a bullhorn.
[00:18:07]  And he said, I want to make sure that's the present I open on Christmas Eve.
[00:18:11]  Okay.
[00:18:12]  I guess you can see where this is going.

=== Stretch Armstrong's Legacy (04:36) ===

[00:18:13]  It was a very loud night and a very loud morning.
[00:18:15]  Ah!
[00:18:22]  Have we tapped everything we want to tap?
[00:18:26]  Oh, Dinesh D'Souza is here.
[00:18:28]  I think we have tapped out just about everything except I wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas.
[00:18:35]  Thank you.
[00:18:36]  Ode.
[00:18:38]  Okay, well, thanks for coming on the show, Dinesh.
[00:18:41]  Always appreciate you popping by.
[00:18:43]  Totally.
[00:18:44]  Merry Christmas.
[00:18:46]  Let's do my first present.
[00:18:48]  Okay.
[00:18:50]  Secret Santa present number one.
[00:18:52]  Get the boy going on the dance floor.
[00:18:54]  See, cause that's where the party's at.
[00:18:56]  And you'll find out if you do that.
[00:19:00]  We're joined by Technotronic.
[00:19:03]  Yeah, bring them out one by one.
[00:19:10]  You know, the girl for the Technotronic video, this song, Yakid K, I believe her name is.
[00:19:17]  She's kind of a homely lesbian.
[00:19:19]  And they didn't want her in the video because she wasn't pretty enough.
[00:19:21]  So they just got that chick.
[00:19:23]  That's not Yakid K. A Milli Vanilli type.
[00:19:26]  A Milli Vanilli broad.
[00:19:28]  That'd be kind of a bummer, right?
[00:19:29]  Yeah.
[00:19:30]  You write a hit, number one hit song, and people are like, that's great.
[00:19:32]  We're going to make a video.
[00:19:33]  Oh, well, I better get my hair and makeup done.
[00:19:37]  No, you're not in it.
[00:19:39]  You're not in your song.
[00:19:41]  What do we got here?
[00:19:42]  Whoa, this takes me back.
[00:19:45]  Stretch Armstrong.
[00:19:47]  Heck yeah.
[00:19:48]  This was a big deal to us as kids.
[00:19:50]  So that was...
[00:19:52]  I think this predates Star Wars.
[00:19:54]  Dude, that's one of the oldest toys in the world.
[00:19:57]  I don't know if that's true, but...
[00:20:02]  Armstrong.
[00:20:03]  Look at that stretch.
[00:20:05]  Because around here, you start getting nervous.
[00:20:07]  Stretch, are you okay?
[00:20:09]  Yeah, I've never stretched it that far.
[00:20:10]  I got scared.
[00:20:11]  Engines, Connie, handle it.
[00:20:14]  And then you take it back.
[00:20:17]  I grew up with a different Stretch Armstrong.
[00:20:19]  See, I grew up with a foreskin, so I'm fine with stretching things.
[00:20:22]  I grew up without the myths and legends.
[00:20:28]  I didn't grow up with the Star Wars toys because we couldn't afford them.
[00:20:31]  This was my stretch.
[00:20:32]  No, we could afford them, but they just didn't get them.
[00:20:34]  90s Stretch Armstrong.
[00:20:35]  Oh, that sucks, dude.
[00:20:36]  Weird, right?
[00:20:37]  I hate to, you know, salad daze my youth over yours, but my stretch Armstrong.
[00:20:43]  Look up the 70s Stretch Armstrong.
[00:20:45]  But did you have this?
[00:20:47]  This is his evil buddy, Vac-Man.
[00:20:49]  You'd take a vacuum and put it on his head, suck all the air out, and then he was like, you could mold him and he stays.
[00:20:58]  I don't understand.
[00:21:00]  What air?
[00:21:02]  He has air?
[00:21:02]  There was air in his bag.
[00:21:04]  This is the 70s one.
[00:21:06]  So this is like the retro.
[00:21:07]  Was it bigger, though, back in the day?
[00:21:09]  Well, that kid's not a midget.
[00:21:11]  It was just the same as this, but way bigger.
[00:21:16]  Everything was bigger back then.
[00:21:17]  Our G.I. Joes were like almost life-size.
[00:21:20]  Yes.
[00:21:21]  So that's really cool.
[00:21:22]  Oh, look, you can get Vac-Man, too.
[00:21:24]  There's an octopus guy.
[00:21:25]  What?
[00:21:26]  Oh, cool.
[00:21:28]  Still going.
[00:21:29]  This is the Vac-Man.
[00:21:31]  Vac-Man!
[00:21:36]  Stretch arms, drunk, starch, enemy.
[00:21:37]  Ooh, he gets lumpy.
[00:21:45]  Vac him, crack him.
[00:21:48]  Stretch, Vac-Man.
[00:21:50]  I bet that was a chemist who discovered this sort of stretchy polymer.
[00:21:53]  He was going for something else, like a new type of insulation.
[00:21:56]  And his boss said, this is fucking useless, dummy.
[00:21:59]  And he was about to throw it out.
[00:22:00]  And then his son said, Dad, you can make it into a stretchy guy, and it's a toy.
[00:22:05]  That's how we discovered post-it notes.
[00:22:07]  We were going for the most intense glue on earth.
[00:22:11]  And we ended up with a shitty glue.
[00:22:13]  And then someone goes, just make it a post-it note.
[00:22:18]  Gift number two.
[00:22:19]  Let's do all my gifts to me.
[00:22:21]  Yeah.
[00:22:22]  Because that's obviously what I knew everyone wants to see.
[00:22:24]  The number one guy, the main dude.
[00:22:27]  And then we'll go through your tons of presents.
[00:22:33]  Okay, what's next?

=== Strange Gifts (09:41) ===

[00:22:39]  Oh, we're doing them all at once.
[00:22:41]  What's this?
[00:22:42]  Cologne?
[00:22:44]  Okay, present number two.
[00:22:46]  You know, hockey tape is kind of a tacky thing to put on a present.
[00:22:49]  I don't mean to look a gift horse in the brain, but...
[00:22:55]  I love this.
[00:22:56]  Great present.
[00:22:57]  It's a shot glass.
[00:22:58]  It says, sounds gay.
[00:22:59]  I'm in.
[00:23:01]  Maybe I'll just re-gift this to my wife today.
[00:23:04]  You can stay at the censored bar.
[00:23:06]  You can re-gift it.
[00:23:07]  Yeah, that looks fun.
[00:23:08]  Don't tell me that you're going to re-gift it, but yeah.
[00:23:11]  Was that rude?
[00:23:12]  Yes.
[00:23:12]  Where'd you get this?
[00:23:14]  I worked hard on that.
[00:23:15]  I had to stay in line at Spencer's Gifts.
[00:23:18]  Spencer's Gifts.
[00:23:19]  The Co-op City Bronx Mall.
[00:23:22]  Did you know Co-op City used to be a bigger amusement park than Disneyland?
[00:23:29]  Yes, it was called Freedomland.
[00:23:31]  Freedomland.
[00:23:32]  And it died because it was seasonal.
[00:23:34]  Yes.
[00:23:36]  That's a trip.
[00:23:37]  This documentary on it is fucking wild.
[00:23:40]  Show us.
[00:23:41]  Defunctland's trailer.
[00:23:44]  It was one of the most ambitious things ever.
[00:23:47]  It was bigger than, so it was the guys that worked for Walt Disney.
[00:23:50]  And when that was, that seemed like a pipe dream.
[00:23:53]  They didn't think that Walt could pull it off and stuff like that.
[00:23:55]  And this crew splintered off, and they went ahead, and in the Bronx, New York, they constructed this thing called Freedom Land.
[00:24:04]  It was the shape of the United States of America.
[00:24:07]  It had Colorado, Florida, Louisiana, San Francisco, New York, like a mini, like it's a small world.
[00:24:15]  That would be funny if the gays sort of gravitated to the San Francisco area.
[00:24:20]  They had 40 attractions.
[00:24:22]  They had Indians and cowboys, and they had the Chicago fire.
[00:24:29]  And every hour it would burn up, and they would have Chicago firemen come out.
[00:24:34]  No way.
[00:24:35]  It was huge.
[00:24:36]  So they had like an asbestos building that could take fire 20 hours a day.
[00:24:42]  And the people could run up and try to put the fire out and pump it.
[00:24:44]  They had ferries.
[00:24:46]  Well, you said there was already a San Francisco section.
[00:24:48]  Right.
[00:24:48]  Oh.
[00:24:50]  I understand.
[00:24:51]  I understand your joke.
[00:24:52]  Thank you.
[00:24:54]  There was cowboys and girls with weird noses.
[00:24:57]  Massive.
[00:24:58]  And I grew up on the burial ground of a huge amusement city.
[00:25:01]  So your ghosts were fun.
[00:25:03]  Yes.
[00:25:04]  You grew up with fun ghosts.
[00:25:05]  That's why I always think it's such a fun city, and I never know why.
[00:25:07]  It's just buildings and some space and parks between it.
[00:25:10]  It's haunted by fun.
[00:25:12]  Yeah.
[00:25:12]  So eventually it just went broke because they had to shut down for like November.
[00:25:17]  No.
[00:25:17]  You could probably still do November.
[00:25:19]  Like golf courses here in New York are open till late December.
[00:25:25]  So let's say you got to shut down December, January, February, maybe March.
[00:25:30]  That doesn't seem so bad.
[00:25:32]  Four months off?
[00:25:33]  Do repairs during that time.
[00:25:35]  Yeah, why not?
[00:25:36]  I think you pussied out.
[00:25:38]  Or have Snowland, like turn it all into like Alaska.
[00:25:41]  Yeah, good point.
[00:25:42]  You could just alter some of the shit.
[00:25:45]  And so this is Co-op City, and it's the largest housing cooperative in the world.
[00:25:50]  What a mess.
[00:25:51]  Didn't know that.
[00:25:52]  It's a Puerto Rican human farm.
[00:25:54]  Well, it was better before the Mavros moved in.
[00:25:56]  It was better before Puerto Ricans.
[00:25:58]  Well.
[00:25:59]  The most comfortable everyday underwear.
[00:26:02]  Need a stiff one, it says, and it's underwear that's like beer.
[00:26:06]  I'm wearing some right now.
[00:26:07]  Those are very comfortable.
[00:26:10]  I wear tidy whiteys.
[00:26:12]  Me too.
[00:26:13]  But I'm going to be this guy now.
[00:26:14]  I'm going to wear like decorative.
[00:26:16]  Don't they ride up, though?
[00:26:18]  No.
[00:26:18]  They feel great.
[00:26:19]  This is what my underwear looks like.
[00:26:21]  This is usually what my underwear looks like, folks at home.
[00:26:27]  Yeah, just regular.
[00:26:28]  It looks like you're kind of enhancing your genitals.
[00:26:32]  But it's backfiring in a genital.
[00:26:33]  It's a switcher bigger than a finger, actually.
[00:26:35]  Looks like you have a point.
[00:26:36]  Yeah.
[00:26:36]  It looks like you have a pointy prick.
[00:26:39]  All right.
[00:26:40]  Well, it's Christmas, so maybe not that.
[00:26:42]  You know, my son, my teen son, had a Secret Santa, and he got his buddy Hooters underwear.
[00:26:51]  Just like this, but it said Hooters on it.
[00:26:54]  And I said to him, I'm going to give you a joke, and you can have this.
[00:26:57]  By the way, comedians pay for jokes.
[00:26:59]  Did you know that?
[00:26:59]  Stand-up comics will pay like $200, $300.
[00:27:01]  Especially for a roast, but yeah, overall, yeah.
[00:27:03]  So I go, here's a joke you can have for free.
[00:27:07]  Just say, I got you these because you like tits.
[00:27:12]  Now, these are 13-year-olds, so tits and liking tits is kind of taboo.
[00:27:16]  That makes it more funny.
[00:27:18]  And I go, you can have that.
[00:27:20]  I go, do you want it?
[00:27:20]  And he goes, no.
[00:27:21]  I go, I'm giving you a free joke.
[00:27:24]  Free joke.
[00:27:24]  He goes, I don't want it.
[00:27:26]  I go, okay, you just threw $200 in the garbage.
[00:27:28]  And he didn't use it.
[00:27:30]  The kids today.
[00:27:31]  What if he says no, uses it and doesn't pay you?
[00:27:33]  Ooh.
[00:27:34]  Ooh.
[00:27:35]  Smart.
[00:27:36]  Sinewy.
[00:27:37]  Cunning.
[00:27:38]  Okay, this one has a little ribbon on it.
[00:27:40]  Yep.
[00:27:41]  That's exciting.
[00:27:42]  It appears to be some sock.
[00:27:44]  Sock atomica.
[00:27:47]  That would be a fun job working at Spencer's Gifts and just meeting all the people who are pitching the shit.
[00:27:51]  And you're like, no.
[00:27:54]  Well, that one I actually got at a sock store.
[00:27:57]  Oh, a sock store.
[00:27:58]  It's a store.
[00:27:59]  You sound like someone who gets beaten every time they pronounce the word sock store wrong.
[00:28:03]  And you're like sweating and you go, I actually got that at a sock store.
[00:28:09]  No one's going to hurt you.
[00:28:10]  It's like.
[00:28:11]  The teacher telling me to enunciate what she's got a ruler.
[00:28:13]  She's going to slap me.
[00:28:14]  You know what's funny about this, Ron?
[00:28:15]  Bourbon socks.
[00:28:16]  Yeah.
[00:28:17]  Because I brought the ice maker home because they were renovating our kitchen, we didn't have an add ice in the studio.
[00:28:23]  So I've been having bourbon neat, and through repetition, I'm becoming a bourbon neat nigga.
[00:28:28]  It's so good.
[00:28:30]  You get more of it.
[00:28:32]  Like you get more of the vibe with neat.
[00:28:35]  I understand why they call us rockers.
[00:28:38]  And I'm an ex-rocker now, pussies.
[00:28:41]  They're renovating our kitchen, and the guy, the contractor, he goes, can I ask you something?
[00:28:45]  He says to my wife, this is how contractors talk to women, too.
[00:28:49]  If you were a light, where would you be here?
[00:28:52]  Be here?
[00:28:52]  And so I just came in because I hadn't left for work yet.
[00:28:54]  And I'm like, if I was a light, I'd be going through this intense existential crisis where I had a consciousness, but I couldn't communicate.
[00:29:04]  So I would try, maybe I'd flicker every time they said the word light.
[00:29:07]  That would be a start, you know?
[00:29:09]  But if that didn't work, like I couldn't convey my existence, I would want to kill myself.
[00:29:15]  I don't know what I'm doing.
[00:29:16]  I can't even swing.
[00:29:17]  I'd want to electrocute myself, but then they just fix me.
[00:29:21]  So I think it would be worse than hell to be a light and to exist and have intelligence, but be unable to convey your existence to anyone, be unable to relate to anyone, be unable to communicate.
[00:29:33]  And he goes, he goes, I just want to know where to put the light.
[00:29:38]  Fuck.
[00:29:39]  What a waste of a great joke.
[00:29:40]  I thought it was a pretty good joke.
[00:29:42]  And I brought it up with my kids, and then my kids reminded me of this horrific nightmare of a book that was my in-laws own it, and they used to read it to my wife, and then they read it to the kids.
[00:29:55]  You ever heard of this book where there's a fucking donkey, and he becomes a rock?
[00:30:03]  Do you know what I'm talking about?
[00:30:04]  No.
[00:30:05]  Looking it up.
[00:30:06]  Oh, Sylvester and the Magic Pebbles?
[00:30:08]  Sylvester and the Magic Pebbles.
[00:30:09]  So it's a donkey walking along, mining his own beeswax, and then he accidentally makes a wish, like, could I be a rock?
[00:30:17]  I forget exactly how it goes.
[00:30:19]  He becomes a rock for like 11 years.
[00:30:22]  Terrible.
[00:30:23]  And his parents are bawling their eyes out because their son disappeared.
[00:30:27]  And then I think maybe, I don't know, 11, 12 years into it, his dad's sitting on the rock and he's crying and he wishes his son would come back.
[00:30:34]  But because he's touching the rock, the son comes out of the rock.
[00:30:37]  Dude, you should have done that.
[00:30:39]  Oh, he didn't know he was the rock.
[00:30:41]  He didn't know he was in the rock.
[00:30:43]  Sylvester and the Magic Pebble, one of the darkest pieces of literature.
[00:30:47]  It really is.
[00:30:48]  When people ask me my, my, the scariest horror movie, I say, can I include children's books?
[00:30:52]  Cause that book is a fucking, If someone has eaten shrooms or tried acid, get them the fuck away from that book.
[00:31:04]  You know what stinks about being a light bulb?
[00:31:07]  What?
[00:31:08]  It takes seven blondes to change you.
[00:31:13]  Oh, it's Coco Diaz.
[00:31:15]  It's Joey Coco Diaz, M-F-A.
[00:31:18]  Oh, hey, how you doing?
[00:31:19]  Dude, I'm doing pretty good.
[00:31:21]  I don't celebrate Christmas usually.
[00:31:23]  I celebrate Hanukkah.
[00:31:25]  Because, dude, they got these blue stars of David that mess you up.
[00:31:29]  Oh, you like Viagra?
[00:31:30]  Is that what you're talking about?
[00:31:35]  Okay.
[00:31:35]  That's a little something for you.
[00:31:36]  I got to admit, I'm a little uncomfortable, Coco, because you did threaten me after I mocked Ralphie Mae for ODing, even though he has kids and choosing opioids over his kids.
[00:31:44]  That was back when I was a tough guy.
[00:31:46]  You know, now I'm talk about Bruce Lee, talk about Bruce Stars of death and Taekwondo.
[00:31:55]  Happy Christmas.
[00:31:56]  Yeah.
[00:31:57]  I'm not a fan of you, Coco.
[00:31:59]  Your whole New York thing.

=== England's Unboxing Dilemma (15:22) ===

[00:32:00]  New Yorkers in LA got on my nerves.
[00:32:02]  I'm from New York.
[00:32:04]  I'm a tough guy.
[00:32:06]  I'm a wise guy.
[00:32:08]  It probably works on Californians.
[00:32:10]  They hear the Bronx accent, and the only time they've heard that is in movies, so they go, you're going to get me whacked.
[00:32:17]  Next.
[00:32:17]  Bye, Coco.
[00:32:18]  Bye.
[00:32:19]  Next, we have England.
[00:32:23]  It's the guy from It's a Small World.
[00:32:25]  The price is on it, $10.
[00:32:27]  Yeah.
[00:32:28]  These are $10.
[00:32:30]  I hope you're taking this out of your own salary and not the company.
[00:32:35]  Oops.
[00:32:39]  So before you unbox that one, it was a buy one get two.
[00:32:47]  I don't like these things.
[00:32:49]  I know you don't.
[00:32:50]  It makes me think of fat guys with no life who have like a shelf or the various figurines.
[00:32:57]  Which I guess I had, which I guess is behind me right now.
[00:33:01]  So I felt like England was at least relevant to you because like, oh, great.
[00:33:04]  Trummer McNugget isn't on McDonald's.
[00:33:06]  I feel like you're not putting any thought into these.
[00:33:08]  No, it was buy one, get two.
[00:33:09]  And these were the only options.
[00:33:11]  And this is Mrs. Scarlett.
[00:33:12]  Carlos Peacock.
[00:33:14]  Mrs. Peacock.
[00:33:15]  From Clue.
[00:33:17]  Oh man, Ryan.
[00:33:17]  Yeah, no, those are just...
[00:33:21]  I can't even re-gift them.
[00:33:22]  I debated nothing.
[00:33:23]  I don't want them, and you know who else doesn't want them?
[00:33:25]  Everyone.
[00:33:26]  In a way, they kind of show the unity of Christmas.
[00:33:29]  Everyone agrees that this is a shitty present, and they don't want it in their house.
[00:33:33]  But the one from England, man, is pretty cool because you came from England.
[00:33:36]  Not the Lord.
[00:33:38]  Wales.
[00:33:39]  No, I didn't come from Wales, my pet Joe.
[00:33:42]  England.
[00:33:43]  England's a great country, man.
[00:33:45]  They got Dublin out there.
[00:33:47]  I mean, it's nuts, man.
[00:33:49]  So this is it for presents?
[00:33:51]  Actually, man, I got a couple more presents.
[00:33:53]  Not presents.
[00:33:54]  I'll just give them to you.
[00:33:57]  Simply the President of the United States got me stuff.
[00:34:02]  What a sweetie.
[00:34:05]  So this is in a bag.
[00:34:15]  From the container store, it looks like it's a misdirect.
[00:34:19]  Oh my stars.
[00:34:20]  Look at this.
[00:34:20]  Budweiser socks from the Malbone collection.
[00:34:24]  Now, Malbone is a designer who did this Budweiser golf line.
[00:34:30]  And it looks like that Ryan has found the keys to my heart and got the entire line.
[00:34:39]  The entire line.
[00:34:41]  Find your line.
[00:34:42]  Now, what do we think about this?
[00:34:43]  Budweiser sweatpants.
[00:34:45]  Look at this.
[00:34:46]  I can be a zip.
[00:34:47]  Yes.
[00:34:48]  I can be a WAP.
[00:34:49]  And they have pockets, too.
[00:34:50]  I made sure they had pockets.
[00:34:51]  You sure did.
[00:34:52]  There were some without.
[00:34:53]  And look at this.
[00:34:56]  Budweiser.
[00:34:57]  A sweater.
[00:34:58]  Sweatshirt.
[00:35:00]  That.
[00:35:00]  Now that's a good gift.
[00:35:02]  That's what I'm talking about.
[00:35:03]  Now I'm impressed.
[00:35:04]  Yep.
[00:35:04]  Ooh, it's hot in here.
[00:35:06]  There's a fire behind you.
[00:35:09]  Okay.
[00:35:10]  I got one more, and I guess I could do maybe a drum roll, because this one is kind of a big...
[00:35:18]  Drum roll.
[00:35:19]  Sound effects.
[00:35:20]  This is what Christmas is really about.
[00:35:22]  Looking at your presents, ordering them from good to bad.
[00:35:26]  Obviously, Mrs. Peacock being the worst.
[00:35:30]  And so far, the Budweiser track suit is the winner.
[00:35:36]  Oh, I thought that was you with Kurt Keelings.
[00:35:38]  Long drum roll.
[00:35:59]  Long drum roll.
[00:36:13]  Oh, doesn't it end with a ping?
[00:36:18]  Okay, we've got a very large box here.
[00:36:22]  I've got to get my Arizona toothpick out and open this poppy up.
[00:36:31]  How much was this, Ryan?
[00:36:33]  I don't want to disclose.
[00:36:35]  This one did come out of pocket.
[00:36:38]  None of these are from Santa.
[00:36:39]  These are all from you?
[00:36:40]  Oh, no, they're all from, well, in my family, we do Santa Ryan, Santa Nana.
[00:36:45]  So we write Santa's name and then we write the person.
[00:36:49]  I saw that as a meme.
[00:36:50]  They go, Santa Denaya.
[00:36:53]  And Ben Shapiro goes, Santa brought me presents.
[00:36:56]  And the Santa Denay goes, where is that written?
[00:36:58]  And then Ben Shapiro goes, on the present.
[00:37:01]  It says, from Santa.
[00:37:03]  Whoa.
[00:37:06]  This is a doozy.
[00:37:09]  Oh my God.
[00:37:13]  It is the Malbone Budweiser correct.
[00:37:17]  Look at this thing.
[00:37:19]  Holy Tolede.
[00:37:22]  Ho, ho, holy Taleed.
[00:37:25]  This is, this might be the second greatest present I ever received after that baby monster got the bag from the 80s.
[00:37:32]  You know what's amazing about this?
[00:37:33]  The bag from the 80s is pretty heavy.
[00:37:35]  This feels really light.
[00:37:38]  Oh, that's the cover for the rainy day.
[00:37:40]  Look at this.
[00:37:42]  Folks.
[00:37:43]  Wow.
[00:37:45]  Today's episode is brought to you by Amheiser-Busch, Budweiser, the king of beers.
[00:37:50]  This weighs nothing.
[00:37:51]  This weighs like, I don't know, five pounds.
[00:37:55]  Did somebody say Holy Tlaib?
[00:37:57]  This is pretty...
[00:38:02]  Ha.
[00:38:02]  What's up, Tlaib?
[00:38:03]  I heard you say holy Tlaib, and I said, that's my cute.
[00:38:08]  I think I said holy Toledo.
[00:38:10]  Oh.
[00:38:10]  All right.
[00:38:11]  Bye.
[00:38:14]  All right.
[00:38:14]  That's pretty good.
[00:38:16]  I'm pretty impressed.
[00:38:18]  Yeah.
[00:38:18]  Besides the pops, this was a pretty good Christmas haul.
[00:38:23]  I guess let's get your present now.
[00:38:26]  Yep.
[00:38:26]  I could.
[00:38:27]  All right.
[00:38:28]  I'm going to go into my office.
[00:38:29]  I'll follow you.
[00:38:31]  Follow me to my office.
[00:38:33]  I'm going to my office now.
[00:38:35]  Wait, hold on.
[00:38:37]  Oh, wait.
[00:38:38]  Okay.
[00:38:39]  Now we've got the buttons.
[00:38:51]  breaking the fourth wall.
[00:39:01]  Otherwise, these tools you already have.
[00:39:02]  You know, they can hear us so good, but okay.
[00:39:05]  I do.
[00:39:10]  Thank you.
[00:39:10]  now that I have a Budweiser bag, golf bag, you just got yourself a Budweiser golf bag.
[00:39:16]  I don't really go already.
[00:39:19]  But that's nice of me to get you one that allows you to drift one.
[00:39:28]  So there's a variety of ideas here.
[00:39:34]  There it is.
[00:39:37]  Are you a finger skate park guy?
[00:39:39]  Maybe about 20 years ago.
[00:39:40]  Okay.
[00:39:42]  I know you like Mario Kart.
[00:39:45]  And like this.
[00:39:46]  I have that one.
[00:39:48]  That one I don't have, but I'm not interested, if no offense.
[00:39:51]  What about this?
[00:39:51]  We know you love golf.
[00:39:53]  Yeah, like I said, not into that game, but.
[00:39:58]  You are a chink.
[00:39:59]  Well, yes, that's true.
[00:40:00]  But I don't even know what this is.
[00:40:02]  I already have that because when we're done filming that, they gave us all one.
[00:40:07]  Oh, maybe it's what they're wearing?
[00:40:10]  I don't know what this is.
[00:40:13]  These are some ideas I had my assistant switch by.
[00:40:16]  And I thought, rather than wasting everyone's time, I'll see if you like them.
[00:40:20]  Holy shit, this broke.
[00:40:22]  Oh, look, I guess that wouldn't be appropriate to give me a broken gift.
[00:40:30]  And you don't.
[00:40:31]  And scoot no.
[00:40:32]  It hit my shin one time when I was trying to do a spinner route, and I could never get over it.
[00:40:40]  What about the peacemaker?
[00:40:44]  That's kind of cool.
[00:40:47]  Yeah, it zaps you.
[00:40:49]  Oh, I have one that has 98 million volts.
[00:40:53]  Oh.
[00:40:54]  That'd be kind of a downgrade.
[00:40:55]  Doesn't that kill someone?
[00:40:57]  97 million volts?
[00:40:59]  Like, isn't 110 volts really bad?
[00:41:04]  Okay.
[00:41:05]  Iron Gym.
[00:41:07]  Total upper body.
[00:41:08]  You're into upper body workouts?
[00:41:10]  Yeah, but I do go to the gym.
[00:41:12]  What about this?
[00:41:13]  A vintage Gucci suitcase.
[00:41:16]  That's not so bad.
[00:41:18]  Is that what you wanted to give me, though?
[00:41:20]  Yes.
[00:41:21]  Are you looking for something specific?
[00:41:24]  Because it looks like you're kind of meandering.
[00:41:26]  Hashtag January 6th.
[00:41:30]  I can't find it.
[00:41:31]  That's the issue.
[00:41:32]  Which is seven days away.
[00:41:37]  What about a putting machine?
[00:41:39]  Look at this.
[00:41:40]  Let me just show you how this works.
[00:41:41]  So you're telling me I could take this home?
[00:41:43]  Yes, it's yours.
[00:41:46]  Or maybe it's best if it was mine to just keep it here.
[00:41:48]  I misplaced your present, to be totally frank.
[00:41:51]  It was in a brown box.
[00:41:52]  Okay, well maybe we should get to finding instead of putting.
[00:41:56]  I don't want to be selfish, but this is the season to not do this.
[00:42:03]  Poop!
[00:42:04]  Okay.
[00:42:05]  Water trap.
[00:42:06]  Yeah.
[00:42:06]  Okay, let's...
[00:42:12]  So let's see this happen.
[00:42:13]  Okay, let's, maybe one more and then one more chance.
[00:42:22]  This isn't my usual putter, by the way.
[00:42:25]  You're slicing it.
[00:42:27]  For fuck's sakes.
[00:42:30]  It's an unforgiving sport, isn't it?
[00:42:34]  It's an unforgiving holiday if I don't get at least a little something here.
[00:42:40]  You're going to get a present.
[00:42:42]  Okay, it doesn't look as such.
[00:42:47]  Isn't it cool after you've opened your presents and there's like presents everywhere?
[00:42:51]  You feel like a daddy warbucks?
[00:42:54]  Wouldn't know.
[00:42:59]  Um.
[00:43:03]  It's alright.
[00:43:03]  Um, just next year, or my birthday comes up in April.
[00:43:09]  Here, let me text.
[00:43:19]  Not the one who's so far away when I feel the snake parting to my bird.
[00:43:28]  That's Mac?
[00:43:31]  It's alright.
[00:43:32]  Don't worry about it.
[00:43:32]  No, it's not all right, Ryan.
[00:43:35]  I got you something amazing.
[00:43:39]  Oh, I know where it might be.
[00:43:45]  Thank you guys for tuning in to the annual Secret Santa Censored TV.
[00:43:53]  *Music*
[00:44:04]  Thank you everybody for tuning in and I hope you have nice gifts and you have a nice fun time.
[00:44:16]  And hopefully we've given you joy.
[00:44:20]  And maybe, you know, confirm what you have coming to you for Christmas before you get stuff for other people.
[00:44:29]  Not always, but if you kind of sussed out that somebody maybe doesn't care about you as much, then just go a little lighter on the gifts, I'd say.
[00:44:43]  And the people who you know will probably give you gifts instead of looking around their office trying to find one that's probably intended for somebody else.
[00:44:51]  So two people will be upset because one person gets a gift that wasn't meant for them and the other person gets a gift that was meant for them, not given to them.
[00:45:00]  So don't do that.
[00:45:05]  Censored.tv.
[00:45:09]  Christmas.
[00:45:10]  Christmas.
[00:45:17]  I was waiting for Gavin to send it off so we can hear some inspiring words of courageousness and inspiredness.
[00:45:31]  Might just be using the bathroom.
[00:45:33]  No we wait.
[00:45:34]  He's back.
[00:45:47]  Uh oh, what?
[00:45:50]  Bad news.
[00:45:51]  What?
[00:45:54]  Oh!
[00:45:54]  I found it.
[00:45:56]  That looks hobbled together, but okay.
[00:46:00]  So Merry Christmas.
[00:46:02]  Alright.
[00:46:04]  Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.
[00:46:08]  Do you want to open it there?
[00:46:12]  Do you want my Arizona toothpick?
[00:46:16]  Do you want this to open it?
[00:46:17]  I'll give it to you.
[00:46:18]  You can have this to open it.
[00:46:20]  Take it.
[00:46:20]  Jesus Christ.
[00:46:22]  Stop blaspheming Jesus Christ on his birthday.
[00:46:24]  You almost killed one of his creations.
[00:46:27]  Me.
[00:46:28]  Jesus made you?
[00:46:30]  Yes.
[00:46:31]  Not sure that's exactly how it goes, but okay.
[00:46:34]  So this looks hobbled together, but I'll just cut right through that bow.
[00:46:39]  Nope, that's not how things work in the world.
[00:46:43]  Now you have a hole where the bow was.
[00:46:49]  This is not a practical knife.
[00:46:51]  This is a sword.
[00:46:53]  I know, I left all my knives at home.
[00:46:57]  Or as they say in the hood, I left all my knives at home.
[00:47:00]  I think I could get it open.
[00:47:02]  Well, here, let's do the horizontal.

=== Ups and Downs (01:44) ===

[00:47:08]  Alright.
[00:47:09]  Here's this gift.
[00:47:11]  Ooh.
[00:47:12]  Sounds like the box is too big.
[00:47:15]  Oh.
[00:47:16]  Is that real?
[00:47:17]  It's real.
[00:47:19]  No way.
[00:47:20]  But is this like a gag or I keep it?
[00:47:22]  That's yours to keep.
[00:47:23]  Now, this is from me, but it's also from censored TV.
[00:47:27]  This is your Christmas bonus.
[00:47:29]  This is everything.
[00:47:31]  And that's for you and the family.
[00:47:34]  Thank you.
[00:47:36]  I thought you were like, you literally didn't get me anything.
[00:47:39]  Oh, my God.
[00:47:39]  That's the Misdirect.
[00:47:41]  That is nice.
[00:47:42]  I'm going to hug you.
[00:47:44]  Thanks for watching.
[00:47:46]  You're a great work.
[00:47:47]  Appreciate you.
[00:47:49]  You're a good boy.
[00:47:50]  We joke around.
[00:47:52]  You quit.
[00:47:53]  You're fired.
[00:47:54]  We have our ups and downs.
[00:47:57]  Our highs and lows.
[00:47:58]  We have our highs and lows.
[00:48:00]  You give me your heart, and you can take my word.
[00:48:05]  Dude, that is so cool.
[00:48:08]  Just the kind of guy I am.
[00:48:10]  Amazing.
[00:48:12]  I really thought you got me like nothing because that was what it was looking like.
[00:48:17]  Dang.
[00:48:18]  Okay.
[00:48:20]  Merry Christmas.
[00:48:21]  Pretty cool, huh?
[00:48:22]  Yes.
[00:48:23]  Pretty exciting.
[00:48:24]  Amazing.
[00:48:25]  All right, folks.
[00:48:26]  That's our Christmas episode.
[00:48:27]  Merry Christmas, Ryan.
[00:48:29]  Merry Christmas to you all.
[00:48:31]  Enjoy yourselves.
[00:48:31]  Enjoy your families.
[00:48:32]  Let's relax and enjoy ourselves.
[00:48:35]  Christmas is about everything that everyone says it's about.
[00:48:38]  It's about the commercialization.
[00:48:40]  It's about the birth of Jesus.
[00:48:41]  It's about the family getting together.
[00:48:42]  It's all the same kit and caboodle.
[00:48:45]  The only important thing about it is that you enjoy it all and have a good time.
[00:48:51]  Cheers, guys.