All Episodes
Previous Next
July 11, 2019 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
01:11:52
S02E35 - HEROES OF COLOR
| Copy link to current segment

Time Text
Oh, live from New York.
It's Get Off My Lawn with Gavin McInnes.
I'm always impressed by how heavy that thing is.
Good work, Sing.
Good work, inanimate object.
You became big.
He's big in the inanimate object scene.
What's going on, dudes?
Welcome to Wednesday's show.
We're going to also do, Is there a problem here?
No.
You look like there's a problem.
Everything's recording.
You're not screwing up?
Nope.
Well, you just screwed up right there.
The flow of the whole thing.
No, you're talking and you're showing the back of your head.
If I was a viewer, I would want to see the guy that's talking.
Me?
I'm not framed up properly.
But I could kind of scooch.
I'm not cared up properly.
That was Jack Stauber.
Very quiet music.
I was watching with my daughter last night.
She turned me on to him, and it was really quiet.
I thought there was something wrong with her computer.
We were checking her settings.
But I think he records quiet music.
Remarkably talented animator who looks really freaky.
And you should check out his whole page.
Let's look at some of that song.
Oh, this is a good one.
Dinner is Not Over.
It's very, very weird.
Super quiet.
That's him.
I tasted great.
I tasted moon.
I tasted dying and it tasted good.
But that's dessert.
And that is the dinner is gone.
But that's dessert.
We have our own Monty Pythons.
Still going forever.
Monty Python will never die.
Because it's a type of person.
A funny weirdo.
Play the video that we opened with, though.
Because it's really good too.
And that claymation stuff takes forever.
Pacing your hand.
Go back to the bar.
Now you're outside.
Classes are night.
Swipe at the back.
Startle my friend.
That's hard to die.
Keep that again.
All right, that's enough.
It's terrifying.
It is really weird.
Well, I'm worried about my daughter sometimes because that's to her just like normal on in the background while she draws.
Did you ever see Don't Hug Me, I'm Scared?
No?
It's along the same vein and it is pretty scary.
Is that right now you're pulling up?
Yeah.
It's like a merry-go-round.
Let's go on a journey.
A journey through time.
A time that's changing all the time.
Why is everyone so weird?
I don't know.
When I was a kid, there was just Monty Python.
Now weird is mainstream.
Is it because kids are bored?
Yeah, I think it's ADHD and it's also like shock value.
We have to do something crazy.
Because everything's been done?
Yeah.
You think the pendulum will swing in a way where like it makes, you know, like Jonathan Winters type of like the ideal comedy again?
Yeah, like Robin Williams and all the stuff that was kooky in the 70s must look so tame and boring now.
Yeah.
Turn it up though.
I can't hear anything.
Maybe we should look for our friend.
Isn't that what friends do?
And we have finished the chicken picnic.
Is he British?
Yes.
It gets really dark and talented.
That's good animation.
Yeah.
This is my favorite part.
Let me put it another way.
This is the story of Michael, the loneliest boy in town.
This is the story of Michael, the ugliest boy in town.
The ugliest boy in town.
They called him a freak.
So he lived on his own underground.
He lived on his own underground.
It's unsettling.
Check out the last video that I sent you of Jack Stabber because he's also funny too.
It's not just weird, although this might be considered weird to our viewers.
But this is a dad and his baby hanging out.
Hiccups are...
You're going to grow up to become a scientist.
Maybe you can explain what pop hiccups are.
Oh, Dougie, look, look.
There's a, um...
Hot dog roller.
Who the heck throws this out?
Looks like we're stopping at the pound today, Dougie.
Gotta bring home some dogs with this.
Just these?
Nope.
This is what it feels like to be a dad.
Okay.
Smell, Dougie.
Smell it.
That's probably not actually it.
Yeah, these are still cold.
Something smells good.
Remember, Dougie, all good things take time.
I remember back when I was a teenager, these are cold.
Guess this doesn't work, huh, Dougie?
I love you.
That's adorable.
It was in the garbage because it doesn't work.
What else?
So we got a lot to talk about today.
We got two shows today.
We're going to do this show, and then we're going to do a live stream podcast YouTube video that will be black and white, right?
Because that's what we do on Thursdays.
We're doing Thursday's show today because I got Tommy Robinson on, and I can't do it tomorrow because he'll be dying in jail.
That's right.
He's getting sentenced today.
It's not getting delayed.
I sent you another email, though, that says last minute video.
I changed my mind.
I wasn't going to show this, but I want to show it.
Yeah, he's going to be rotting in jail where everyone there wants to kill him.
He'll be in a Muslim prison, and it's going to be very bad for him.
So if you're busy tomorrow and bored today, you're in luck because there's a lot of content.
Rip Torn is dead.
Oh, is he?
Yeah.
Oh, fudge.
But he was about 88.
When you're 80, all men, especially white men, I don't know why I said that.
All men who live after 75, it's all gravy after 75.
I did say once on my TV show on free speech.tv back in 2019, I said I would hope to make it more than that, but this scenario, I guess, was nostradamus.
I predicted this exact scenario.
I'm on my deathbed.
I'd still go, all right, bye, everyone.
Have fun.
Would have liked to see more grandkids, by the way, you guys.
Not blown away by two.
I was hoping for a minimum of five, but I'm trusting that you'll get to it after.
I'm going to adopt some.
Adopt some black kids.
But you're pretty happy with that.
88.
I feel like 88, you'd sort of be going, all right.
I heard about some guy in Leadhill, Scotland, who lived to 110.
And he was screaming at this guy, have you forgotten me, God?
And there was a lightning bolt that came down right as he said that.
And it didn't kill him.
So maybe Godwin was like, oh, shit.
Yeah.
Lightning bolt was sort of like, yeah, I did.
Actually, sorry, I'll kill you in like two years.
So it's not too soon after the question.
But yeah, Rip Torn was, I think his best role was the manager.
He was in that terrible crap movie Dodgeball thing with the dodgeballs and the balling and the dodge.
But he was great as the manager of Larry Sanders, the Larry Sanders show, that fake reality show about a talk show.
Here's a fun little montage of him where he plays a total asshole.
And your poker size.
Any thoughts?
No, but I'd like to...
Don't take this as a threat, but I killed a man like you in Korea, hand to hand.
My boy doesn't want to do any more commercials.
From now on, you'll talk to me.
Understood?
No offense, Shelby.
Oh, man, I don't know.
Just answer the question in the last half.
I'm not taking the deal with CBS.
I apologize, sir.
We're not running some kind of intergalactic kegger here.
So he acts like a total jerk, boomer, a-hole.
But I think it's because he is.
I believe he beat the crap out of his wives, as a lot of boomers did.
The funny thing about domestic violence is it's so rare today.
But I think a lot of the sort of persecution that happens in court when they get so mad about it is because they're remembering the boomers of the early 70s, late 60s.
And those guys did get up to hitting their wives on a regular basis.
In fact, Norman Mailer stabbed his wife and punched her in the stomach when she was pregnant because he didn't want a baby.
Also, Rip Torn would beat his wife.
And Rip Torn and Norman Mailer were in this really crappy, self-indulgent boomer movie called Maidenhead or Matchstick or Maid Game or something.
Maidstone.
Maidstone.
And they shot it in a weekend because they're lazy and useless.
And they have naked kids running around because they're stupid hippies who don't care about their kids.
And just pause.
So Norman Mailer was, he played this director who was running for president.
And in this scene, Rip Torn is supposed to kill him.
And so he attacks him with the hammer.
But he actually hit Norman Mailer.
So they get into an actual fight.
And then the kids are running around crying.
Hippies were not peaceful.
They were self-indulgent dicks who beat each other with hammers.
Anyway, go ahead.
Wait, are you at the beginning?
Where's the fight?
Yeah, the fight's at the beginning.
You're way ahead of it.
That's the same Ripped Torn we just saw.
who's dead.
I don't like...
I don't like criticizing the dead.
Bang goes the hammer.
That's Norman Mailer.
One of the forefathers of political correctness.
And now this is all real.
When improv goes awry.
Oh, Norman Mailer also got his wife to have group sex with his friends.
She's biting him.
Boom.
Biting him.
I've been bitten before.
Me too.
Really?
Yeah.
In a fight.
Not too long ago.
Yeah, I was in a fight with this guy, and then we got in a lock, and I felt heat as he bit through my ear.
Jesus Christ.
And so I'm bleeding everywhere.
He denied it later, said it was my zipper on my jacket.
But my buddy brought up a great point at the time.
He goes, I know you want to go to the hospital because that's going to get infected, but you can't.
Because you went there to kick his ass because he slapped you a week ago.
And the story will become, Gavin went to beat up Simon Nixon and ended up in the hospital.
Right.
Not a good luck.
So, right, so we're ready to start the show now.
15 minutes in.
We'll start with the light news because that's how we get you in.
By the way, there's too much room up top and not enough room down here.
I don't like that this coffee mug has to be so close to me.
I could fix it on the fly.
Let's just fix it live.
Do you want this angle while I fix it or this one?
So you can see it.
Yeah, let's keep that.
No, let's do the wide so people can see behind the scenes.
Oh, I guess they won't be able to see.
You'll be cut out.
I have that song in my head.
He stole it from somebody to lean on.
Do-da-da.
Do-da-dee-da.
Yeah.
But then he makes it weird, and it's not like he's making any money on it.
He fixed it maybe 1%, but okay.
I can fix it 1%.
No, no, no.
Don't worry about it.
Have you seen this irritating trait of...
Isn't it a funny coincidence that my generation is the only one that's not bad?
We get divorced less, we're better parents, and we're less self-indulgent.
Millennials have begun spitting in our food.
Have you seen this trend?
Like going up to ice cream and licking it, or just opening a thing and going, Ew, dude.
Viral video shows man, go back.
Why did you actually spit and I wanted to show?
Yeah, they already showed the spit.
Okay.
Viral video shows man spitting into sweet tea before putting it back on shelf.
That's got to be a crime.
By the way, you'll notice I keep going to Summit News.
It's my new favorite site.
It's Paul Joseph Watson's news site.
Well, you know, they charged that girl in Texas that licked the ice cream.
Oh, they charged her?
Yeah, I believe they did.
These kids don't get that there's ramifications.
You know what this might be?
This might be all this like stopping fighting in school and making sure there's no conflict and calling the police every time there's the smallest problem.
Maybe they go, oh, there's no such thing as ramifications.
And the next thing you know, you're licking ice cream because you think it's funny.
But go back to that first one.
Sure.
And stop leaving the story.
I want to see the video.
I didn't.
You're a good guy.
I did it.
Nice.
Well, first of all, everything with the screw top is supposed to crack when you open it.
So when you buy that and it just opens without a crack, you should probably go, man.
You know, you guys finally know what it's like to be hated as much as I am.
I'm at the point now where when waiters and waitresses don't spit in my food, it tastes dry.
I'm used to juicier food than most.
So I don't like, say I was wearing a disguise and I went into a restaurant.
Everything would taste spitless and I don't think I'd enjoy it anymore.
I've become used to the taste of waitress spit.
You see this?
I don't know why they blur it out his face, but he's spitting on that piece.
Yeah, you don't want to hurt his feelings.
This is like Muslim terrorists who get 500 euros rewarded to them because they had their privacy invaded.
Who's that?
He took the video.
Turn it up.
He said, yeah.
So I put on my phone just in case he did it.
No.
You were in on it.
Minutes after the answer.
I thought it was disgusting.
I was just saying, yeah, that's awesome and funny because I'm kidding.
I was being sarcastic.
Go to social.
I sarcastically let him serve that.
So did that spitter get caught or was the ice cream liquor that got caught?
Ice cream liquor got caught.
There's another...
But there's an ice cream licking copycat arrested.
Identify her ice cream liquor.
It seems pretty easy to catch them.
You put it on social media.
I trace the social media account.
All right.
Anyway, this was fun in the news.
A bunch of Puerto Rican politicians have been arrested for corruption.
And if you recall, after the hurricane, Trump kept getting called racist because he doubted that Puerto Rico could handle the $70 million he had promised them.
And he saw it just going through into, like a sieve, going into the pockets of their corrupt politicians.
This was back in April.
Trump assails Puerto Rican leaders for corrupt hurricane recovery.
And he said, well, maybe you should read it as Trump.
His quote?
Yeah.
The best thing that ever happened to Puerto Rico.
The best thing that ever happened to Puerto Rico is President Donald J. Trump, he said.
So many wonderful people with such bad island leadership and with so much money wasted, a lot of money wasted, cannot continue to hurt our farmers and states with these massive payments and so little appreciation.
It's a mashup.
Yeah, mashup imitations.
And then later on he said, Puerto Rico got far more money, frankly, than Texas and Florida combined.
Yet their government can't do anything right.
The place is a mess.
Nothing works.
You got it.
What a horrible thing to say, Donald Trump.
You don't trust Puerto Rican politicians.
You think they're corrupt?
You think throwing money on that island just goes into rich politicians' pockets?
And he was right.
Several Puerto Rican government officials arrested.
Local media report.
And you know what's funny about the spin when you read this?
The ones that didn't got arrested are going, we have taken care of this.
We do not tolerate corruption in Puerto Rico.
They act like they're draining the swamp.
We managed to burrow out the two or three or four or five or six or seven who are corrupt.
And now we're back to perfection.
Maybe you should do the same, America.
Even though Puerto Rica is technically America, it don't sound like it much.
They all look very Caucasian, those Puerto Rican politicians.
Yeah, they do.
All right, I wanted to discuss briefly how weird white people are around black people.
There seems to be sort of two modes with them, and they're both dog-like.
I think white people tend to see black people as dogs.
And as an egalitarian who sees white people, I mean black people as human beings, I think I can spot it better than the average Joe.
It could be also because I'm not American, really, and I grew up without race.
Where I grew up in Ontario and Quebec, it was English versus French.
Language, language, language.
That was everything.
No one talked about if that guy's black or not.
Now they do.
Now there's Black Lives Matter Toronto, but it's ridiculous because the country's a few hours old.
They didn't have time for racism.
There was no slavery.
Canada is not racist.
It's the least racist place on earth.
Miles Davis, Sammy Davis Jr., they used to love coming up to Montreal to play jazz because they were not black there.
But of course, when there's a currency in victimhood, they have to make it.
So now Toronto pretends they're in Alabama in the 50s.
It looks so stupid.
Abolish slavery.
We are the freed slaves of Canada.
Maybe Indians can dog, but not you, I'm afraid.
And Quilter talks about that all the time.
Like immigrants from Peru who come here and complain about racism.
Well, you don't have the history, Peruvian.
And you killed Trayvon Martin, George Zimmerman.
I like to make accentuating points with this kind of.
That is good.
That seals the deal right there.
Yeah, now you know.
so this is how they see black people: they're either totally cowed and scared, so they sort of bow down and almost like you know, when you're trying to subdue a wolf and you go lower than the wolf and crawl over, okay, it's okay, or they, you know, they accept the alpha dog in the pack and they sort of look down, scared and ashamed, hoping the dog won't bite them.
So, I was watching Anderson Cooper do this thing on this street artist, uh, JR, whatever the hell his name is.
He's the guy that does the big wheat pastes, and they take him back to his black neighborhood.
Also, complaining about racism in Paris is ridiculous.
Exact same as Canada.
Blacks have always been cherished there.
Yes, there's slums.
They're Arabic slums.
Anyway, and all of northern Paris is dedicated to Islam.
You can't go there with a Yamaka.
You'll literally get spat on.
Spat on and shat on and raped and abused, as Shane McGowan would say.
But anyway, see if you can pick up on Anderson Cooper's fear of a black planet when he says hi.
These other people exist.
Exactly.
They exist.
They exist.
Many of JR's friends in this Paris suburb, look, he's bowing so much.
His glasses fall off.
Now, we're going to have to do this frame by frame.
Go back to that.
So you don't go back that far.
All right.
So first, so first he gets the blue shirt's hand, right?
And that's an honor.
Thank you so much, Bull Mastiff.
But just pause.
Pause, pause, pause.
So he gets that guy and he goes, you know what?
That was very lucky of me to be able to shake the Bull Mastiff's hand.
I don't expect a Rottweiler too.
So I'm just going to get out of your way and be thankful that I got you.
And I think JR, the street artist there, the Arab with the glasses, he recognizes that we're dealing with an incredible beta cuck.
So he sort of circles around to let him fall to the edge of the pack like a runt.
Now go slower.
Okay.
So then the orange guy goes, hey, little runt loser, I'll shake your hand.
And Anderson Cooper's like, oh my God, I'm getting greedy here.
I get both blacks.
So then, no, no, you're going way too fast, Ryan.
Go back.
So he's so happy to get the second handshake that he goes, good dog.
And he touches the dog on the back, right?
Go ahead.
And he touches him on the back.
And he look, he looks away afterwards.
And then, look, he bows his head and goes off to the side.
And then his glasses start slipping.
That is.
I'm so lucky to have been able to touch both bull mastiffs.
Wow.
He pretty much is like, that's your show now.
I'm just going to show you.
Whose show is this?
He's like five feet behind.
He's like a Muslim woman.
And then he gets permission.
He gets body language permission to come forward and he's just ecstatic.
Thank you.
Thanks, God.
He's looking at them.
What are they saying?
Can I look at them yet?
No, no.
Face down.
Push up your glasses again.
Let's watch it one more time.
Okay.
Now that we know what's going on.
The weak and the cucks.
They exist.
They exist.
Maybe it's a gay thing.
Many of JR's friends in this Paris suburb.
JR's friends are awesome, and they let me touch them.
Isn't that weird?
Yeah, look, you would think that Anderson would go, you know, blue, blue shirt, and then go right to him.
He actually puts his head down between.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
He looks away.
All right.
It's like he feels bad that he touched the Negro.
That was too greedy to me.
So it's a fascinating combination of reverence, but also seeing them as animals.
And that's why I use the example of a bull mastiff, almost like a lion.
Like you respect it, but it's also just an animal.
You can kill it.
I don't quite understand it.
It's bizarre to me, but it's what it might be is this latent insecurity, like you're better than me, but then also trying to overcome that.
So pretending that you're patronizing them.
You know what I mean?
I think the dog is a good analogy because they don't see them as equals or as humans, but there is a fear.
There's a sense of fear.
A bull mastiff could kill you.
A pit bull could kill you.
But also you feel that you're superior to it ultimately.
Now, the other end of the spectrum here, that was the, I'm scared of them.
The other end of the spectrum is they're my pets.
They're both the same.
It's both big dogs in both examples.
But Paul Tompkins is this pathetic, retarded clown who he wants, I have an axe to grind with him.
He once said to me that I was driven to white supremacy because I'm a failed comedian.
Sort of like Hitler was driven to Nazism because he was a failed painter.
But I don't think he's kidding.
Like, people believe that too.
They think that if his art teacher was nicer, he would have made it.
Do you not have that clip?
I do.
Okay.
What are you looking up?
Hulk Hogan?
Yeah, Hulk Hogan.
No, I'll show you.
But here's this.
Okay, this is another frame by frame.
So let me set the scene here.
Key and Peele, funniest guys around, some of the greatest sketches ever.
They did this awesome sketch about a gay guy.
What was it?
Key, the bald one, was playing this really annoying gay.
And Jordan Peele was saying, can you please shut up?
Can you please turn that music down?
He goes, why?
Is it because I'm gay?
Fuck you, blah, blah, blah.
And then the guy goes, just please, don't show that.
I don't want to see porn on your computer.
What are you doing?
And the guy goes, oh, wow, we got a homophobe over here.
And then at lunch, Jordan Peele's boyfriend shows up and they kiss.
I think his name was Gavin in the sketch, actually.
Jordan Peele wants to fuck me.
And they walked away together.
And then Key goes, oh, shit.
He's not a homophobe.
I'm just an asshole.
Pat Noswalt sent me that sketch back when he didn't have Trump derangement syndrome.
Just quality humor.
So Paul Tompskins gets these two guys who've done some of the best sketches ever.
And of course, what does he make it about?
Race black.
So he's showing them times that white people have Screwed up, right?
And he's like, here's a woman wearing blackface.
Actually, maybe go back.
What do we remember where we are with that?
145?
So this is like Gwyneth Proucher said, niggas in Paris.
And you don't do that, you silly girl.
Oh, and she dressed in blackface.
And that goes against the rules.
My fellow whites are so naive.
Watch my pet bull mastiffs ridicule them.
So start with that.
And they are good sports.
They go along with it.
Fine, we'll do racial stuff.
Fine.
It looks like this woman just informed her that this is not a private.
This is not okay.
That this is not appropriate.
She's walking away going, oh God.
She's looking at the horrified look on the photographer's face.
This is a face that says, what?
What's going on?
What happened?
What?
Something's wrong?
This is one from the vaults.
This is our old pal Gwyneth Paltrow.
Boy.
This is from, I think, He's broke.
And these guys are maybe 200 times more successful than him, both of them.
Go ahead.
And she was making a reference to a song.
Now, what do you think, Jordan?
Did she get any points for putting those asterisks in there?
I don't think she did that when she said it.
She wrote Niggas in Paris, which is a very popular song Kanye did.
In Paris.
And she's not allowed to mention it.
Even if she censors herself.
Oh, there it is.
That's my favorite part.
The Piesta Resistance.
That's it.
That's why it's there.
Remember Martin Short as Jiminy Glick?
And he'd have this like, yes.
And he's making fun of interviewers when he goes like this and goes like this and goes, Paul Tompkins is being a Martin Short character as he cherishes his little pet blacks.
Asher, asher, asher, asher, asher.
In Paris.
He's in slow motion.
Actually, get me out of it.
Yeah.
That is dark and weird.
Oh!
Yeah, that is gay, basically.
That's a gif.
A gif from the cringe lord.
A gift from God.
God, is that really worse than I remember it to be?
What is this?
Is that subtle or is that...
Like, if I was ever at a meeting or an interview or anything, and the person I was talking to went, mm-hmm.
I would think the person is a mentally ill gay.
A trans, in other words.
I'm going to go.
Oh!
Yeah, that is bad.
And this smile.
Got to scrub it off.
Scrub it off.
Speaking of scrubbing off, I really wish I could find this Hulk Hogan clip.
Well, basically what he does is he shakes.
Don't talk when people can't see your face.
Fudge.
Because I'm looking for it, though.
I can't show the camera and me.
Well, just tell me what you're looking for, then.
I'm looking for a video of Hulk Hogan, and after he shakes...
Looks like you're wearing your underwear.
I'm wearing my underwear?
I am wearing my underwear.
Crap.
Anyway, so he shakes the hands of two fans that happen to be black, and then afterwards, it's like at that gas, like the gas station kiosk thing, and he grabs paper towels and wipes his hands off.
It probably looks bad.
I think he was just probably on his way there anyway, but yeah, he's innocent.
Yeah.
I mean, I err on the side of innocence with these things.
I don't think Gwyneth Paltrow should be in shit for saying a song.
That woman wore blackface.
It's because it's her favorite character in Orange, the new black.
No one can really explain to me why you're not allowed to make your face brown if you're dressing as a black person.
Like, I remember hearing about this kid who got kicked out of school because on MLK Day, he was doing a presentation as MLK and he browned up his face.
He didn't know.
Well, blackface, this was explained to me on Fox News once, blackface is what they named the Jim Crow laws after.
Yeah, okay.
But when you look back at it, there was definitely a percentage of it that was lampooning in a negative stereotypes.
But there was also a large swath.
Some studies, there was an article on Reason.com that said 80% of it was an homage because white people were square and boring Puritans back then, and they saw black people having parties and having culture and having slang and having music, and they acted them out because it was exciting to them.
White people have always been fascinated by black people.
They find them exciting.
I found the clip.
I have to log into content.
Oh, frick it.
Oh, never mind.
I'm sorry.
Wow, you're great at your job.
Shouldn't you always be logged into Facebook?
Yeah, something happened where it logged me out.
And now you can't remember your password?
You're my grandmother.
And you're younger than me.
I'm not sure if you can work here.
Maybe you're banned.
Maybe.
Yeah, I can't log in.
Wow, you're banned if you work near me.
Just in the proximity of.
You can't put up my picture and you can't be my friend.
Washing the hands after.
Yeah, that's not exactly evidence.
Plus, I bet you Hulk Hogan hangs up with black people all day every day.
Also, as someone who puts grease in their hair, sometimes you don't realize how greasy you are.
And then you shake someone's hand and you feel it's slime and you go, oh my God, that guy must be so grossed out.
Because my hands are often cold and greasy because of this crap.
So then after I go, oh, God, that's like having bad breath.
And I go wash my hands.
I get the stink off.
Shtink.
Okay, I thought we would have, speaking of African-American, the African-American experience, I think I would like to introduce to you a little piece I put together for today's show called Heroes of Color.
And on this particular episode, we'll be looking at great African-American entertainers and politicians, activists, and the wonderful people who shaped them, who helped them become who they are today.
And I think it helps you understand that person and that person's culture a lot better, the culture that they grew up in.
So this was inspired by Kamala Harris, who was talking about busing, Which I guess happened in Montreal, where she went to high school.
But yeah, let's start with my favorite example, which is Corey Booker.
Now, Corey Booker's parents were, this was sent in a separate email, by the way.
You know what I'm talking about?
Got it.
Corey Booker's parents were the first black executives at IBM.
They were phenomenally wealthy in the 60s, and they moved to an area called Harrington Point Park, Harrington Park, New Jersey.
There's some real estate available in Harrington Park.
The racial makeup of the borough was 83.52%, with blacks being 0.68%.
So just over half a percentage.
But that's 2016.
Back when Corey moved there, it was 100% white.
Oh, there's a great picture of Harrington Park.
It sort of sums up Corey Booker's lifestyle with the kayaks.
I mean, I'm sure back in his day, it was canoes and the rowing club.
But Harrington Park is who Corey Booker is.
Those are Corey Booker's people, if you see them there.
And I think while we're thanking Corey for his remarkable contributions to politics and activism, we should thank Harrington Park and their culture, their beautiful waterfront, their beautiful real estate, their incredible academic institutions, because they created Corey Booker.
And the Corey Booker experience, if that was a band, all the musicians would be in kayaks.
So thank you, Harrington Park.
Also, I would like to thank Westmount High School in Montreal.
Now, Westmount, if you're familiar with Westmount, it's pretty much 100% Jewish.
It's a Jewish place.
And I assume this high school has similar ratios.
Now, this is it today.
Kamala Harris must have been there in the 80s, early 80s, I assume.
She's my age.
Or a little bit older, so maybe late 70s, where it would be much less diverse than you see here.
Westmount, of course, was much more populated back in the 70s, but separatism and terrorism from the separatists pushed a lot of the rich white people over to Toronto.
But back when Kamala was there, it was exactly like Harrington Park, but more Jewish.
So I would like to thank Westmount High School in Montreal for shaping the Kamala experience, the Kamala Harris we know today.
And also, her black father, whose family owns slaves, was not around.
Let's have a moment of silence for that.
That's unfortunate.
So she didn't really get to, her parents divorced when she was seven.
And her mom, Shyamala Gopalan.
Shyamala Gopalan was a breast cancer doctor who worked in Montreal.
And that's who raised her.
So she didn't just have the white Jewish experience when she was in Montreal or the Canadian experience also.
She also had the Indian experience with her Indian mother.
It's not easy to find pictures of her Indian mother.
She's usually surrounded with more black people.
But I guess the people and the institutions I want to thank for Kamala Harris would be Montreal, Westmount, the Jewish people, and the Indian people, Shyamala Goapalan.
Which brings us to one of the greatest black politicians of all time, Barack Obama.
And while we're thanking him, I think we have to look at who raised him.
Much like Kamala Harris, his black dad was not around, unfortunately.
So he was raised in Hawaii by this turgid communist, Ann Durham.
I think Ann's father, another academic communist, also raised him.
So when we're thanking everyone for Barack, I think we have to also thank Hawaii and Hawaiian academics and white communists, right?
If you go down a little bit more, I think her grand, there we go.
That's the grandfather.
That's who raised him.
That's who shaped him.
That's who Barack Obama is.
Finally, no, not finally.
This sort of brings me to entertainers too, like Drake.
Oh, there we saw.
I think that was the one time his dad visited him for an hour and explained to him.
His dad was an incredibly intellectual communist economist.
Just go to the next one.
Communist economist who wrote an essay suggesting we raise taxes to 100%, which I believe is higher than Soviet Russia's numbers.
So kudos for that contribution.
Thank God.
And more mild Marxism is what really drove Obama's career.
But anyway, it's not just politicians who have been shaped by Montreal high schools and Harrington Park, New Jersey.
Look at entertainers like Drake.
His dad, unfortunately, was not around.
But Sandy Graham was there, Jewish woman in Montreal, helping him to grow the Canadian, again, like Kamal Harris, that wonderful Canadian education, just one province over in Ontario, making Drake who he is, employing him.
He was a successful actor on DeGrassy Jr.
High before he was a rapper.
And that brings us to, of course, Mariah Carey.
You'll see here at the BET Awards all the time, celebrating black musicians.
Unfortunately, her father was not around.
And she was raised by her mother, Patricia Carey, wonderful woman, single mom who busted her ass, much like Kamala Harris's mom, Obama's mom, Drake's mom, and Alicia Keys' mom.
Alicia Keys, of course, her father, unfortunately, was not around.
And she was raised by Tariah Joseph, wonderful woman, hardworking gal.
She was a redhead in her earlier days.
Now I think she's bald.
And she kind of looks like Melissa Harris Perry's mother, Diana Gray.
And unfortunately, Melissa Harris-Perry's father was out of the picture pretty early in the game.
And I believe she was raised in the Midwest, you know, potato country, and lots of country music and Christmas trees and, you know, fries and meatloaf and what else?
A fridge that dispenses water.
Yeah, not big on the hot sauce.
Not a lot of spices in Melissa Harris-Perry's childhood food.
Maybe like Mrs. Dash?
The lemon pepper.
The mac and cheese was just mac and cheese with nothing on top, nothing spicy about it.
The fried chicken did not have salt and pepper and ketchup the way it does in, say, East New York.
But Diana Gray stuck by Melissa and raised her the best she could and sent her to wonderful schools in the Midwest.
And that reminds me of a homeless orphan named Steve Harvey who was taken in by a wonderful family.
I believe this was also in the Midwest.
I'm not sure of the exact geographic location, but here are the people who raised poor Steve when no one else wanted him.
He's very emotional about it, obviously.
You want to say hi to your girlfriend?
Who, Becky there?
Yeah?
Amen.
Say hi.
Hey, Becky.
Hi, Steve.
I think when Steve was a little boy, he saw his stepmom as his girlfriend.
Not in a sexual way.
This one got me.
I'm not going to lie.
I saw this before.
Well, I assume every time we loud Steve Harvey's success, these people are prominently featured as someone who loved him, took him in, helped him get educated, and made him the man he is today.
Which brings me to my favorite example, of course, Colin Kaepernick, who, just like Steve, was abandoned by both his mother and his father.
The previous cases, it's all the dad, but his mother and his father stuck around.
I mean, sorry, his mother and his father did the opposite of stick around.
And strangely enough, I don't think they're called the Kaepernicks.
I forget their names.
Oh, you're probably kicked off of Pinterest.
Oh, crap, you're right.
Because you've got to sign in.
I'm kicked off it, too.
But there's another one.
I have another link from a guy named Clay Travis showing.
That's the link below that.
Yeah, there you go.
And you can see the mom and the dad and the two sisters and the brother who raised him.
And, you know, I assume was a lovely Midwestern experience with a great education.
It led to a football scholarship and eventually the NFL.
And I assume when Colin talks about his upbringing and his experience, he lauds his family and his environment as shaping who he is.
So to Kamala Harris and to the culture that shaped her.
Let's now go to homeless Gavin, who will be discussing the untold truth of Mr. Joe Rogan.
Dying and it's a state.
I've tasted heartbreak.
I've tasted bone.
I've tasted dying and it's a state.
This kind of shit pisses me off.
I hate clickbait.
I like, I'm okay with headlines that are misleading and they're bombastic and hyperbolic, like why I hate Ryan Ketsu Rivera, 10 Reasons Why, 10 Things I Hate About the Goddamn Jews.
And then you watch it and you go, oh, he hates that they don't love Trump because Trump loves them.
I get it.
It's tongue-in-cheek.
But to just lie in a headline and waste people's time, it's kind of my problem with prank calls.
If a prank call isn't choosing the right victim, it's not funny.
And when you waste our time with a headline like, The Untold Truth of Joe Rogan, this has like a billion hits.
And you watch and go, oh, okay, is he a pedophile?
What's the story here?
Let's check out The Untold.
I thought I know Joe Rogan.
I've hung out with him a bunch of times, been to a fight with them.
I've been to comedy shows with them.
I've been on a show a couple times.
I thought I knew him.
Let's see what I don't know about someone I consider a friend.
You might know him as a UFC commentator, a stand-up comedian, the host of Fear Factor, or the mastermind behind the wildly popular Joe Rogan Experience podcast, which earns over 30 million downloads a month.
But no matter how you know Joe Rogan, chances are there are still some things about him you don't know.
Here's a look at the untold truth of Joe Rogan.
He destroyed Carlos Mencia.
Joe Rogan is almost solely responsible for ruining the reputation of once popular comedy central filmmaker Carlos Mencia, according to Rogan's blog, while hosting an event at West Hollywood's comedy store.
Who in the Sam hell doesn't know that Joe Rogan tore Carlos Mencia a new ass by catching him stealing, I believe, about 40 major jokes?
That is, I think that's how everyone got to know Joe Rogan.
Sure, we saw him on radio days or whatever, and some in the LA comedy scene had heard of him too.
But what really brought him to international fame was that he had the balls to call out Carlos Mencia.
And guess where this guy heard about it?
Oh, on Joe Rogan's blog.
So in the untold truth of Joe Rogan, we have something from the guy's blog?
Why are you wasting my time with this crap?
For in 2007, Rogan made a joke about Mencia's reputation in the stand-up community for stealing other people's jokes.
Mencia happened to be in the audience and took exception, leading to a confrontation live on stage.
"You are a good performer.
You do very well with other people's sh*t.
I do well with other people's sh*t." When the dust settled, Mencia's image was in tatters and his career hasn't been the same since.
He hosted The Man Show, created by Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Carolla.
The man show aired again.
I'm sorry, but just keep it rolling.
I kind of feel like this is low-hanging fruit.
But it's the untold truth of Joe Rogan, and you're telling us that he was on a major network cable show?
Am I annoyed?
Yeah.
They wouldn't take any of our executive Zoe Franklin turning down the show, with Rogan stating on his podcast that he felt a woman shouldn't have been running a show created for men.
So I look at them and I go, told you?
The untold truth of Joe Rogan was on the Joe Rogan podcast.
Joe still featured segments where contestants tried not to get aroused on stage.
I feel like I'm wasting your time with this.
I'm actually feeling kind of guilty because I feel like this is making fun of like TMZ or something.
During an episode of Fear Factor, featuring the pastoral.
Here's one.
I actually didn't know this.
I did not know that he fought a contestant on Fear Factor.
Let's check out this juicy gossip.
So she was mad and just straight up punched him.
And she punched him to prevent violence, leading Victoria's husband Jonathan.
And then they yelled at each other.
And then, for what, four seconds, he put him in a hole?
When the Miz is the voice of reason, the untold truth of Joe Rogan is he held a guy who was trying to fight him once.
He also almost fought Wesley Snipes.
Rogan's fighting credentials are.
I'm getting cloaked in guilt here because this seems ridiculous.
Is this Dom Ryan that I put this video on?
And he won four Massachusetts Taekwondo Championships.
That's immense fitness.
Something Wesley Snipes almost learned the hard way.
Yes, it's true.
When actor Wesley Snipes got into trouble with the IRS, he looked to make some cash with a stunt UFC fight.
He's saying it on Joe Rogan.
He's saying, "I'm gonna get a hold of him and I'm gonna squeeze the sh*t out of him.
They're gonna give me a lot of money and he's probably not even gonna get hurt." So much of what we watch.
Unfortunately, Snipes pulled out of the fight at the last minute.
You want to see if there's one thing we can learn from this?
Well, the hold that you put in that show for 10 seconds?
He loves drugs.
Did you know Joe Rogan loves drugs?
I designed that logo.
Did you know that?
Joe Rogan smokes marijuana.
Did you know that?
You think you know Joe Rogan?
You think you like Joe Rogan?
He smokes marijuana.
And it's not just wake-up call.
It's only in Rolling Stone.
DMT and other psychedelic drugs.
Not only does he drop acid recreationally, Oh, and invite you to get it.
You know, just pause.
You know how China will have these AI things where they do the news and it's CGI and a robot will read the news to you?
We laugh at that.
We do that too.
This is robot news.
So much of this fucking clickbait is robot news.
So much of the internet is just robot garbage.
Dennis McKenna onto his podcast to discuss so-called mindset.
Shut up.
I want to punch the guy who narrated this.
Yeah, that's it.
You know what?
Stop.
Stop.
Let's stop this video.
I'm wasting your time.
I'm sorry.
Gavin, back to you.
Hey, baby.
Hey, baby.
That's Kamala Harris's mother's name.
It sounds like that.
That is why.
That is why.
You are my shibi-doo-do-doo.
Yeah.
What's your job?
I do the deep voiced parts in an acapella band.
So I'll be like, yeah, boop up.
Like, I worked with Pentatonics for a long time.
I did their, yeah.
I don't think I could be friends with someone in an acapella band.
Sure, you can.
Although I'm friends with Tom Schlu, and he's in a barbershop quartet.
Yes, he is.
That's not gay in this sense, but it's pretty gay.
Wait, have you not had the bug this entire show?
No, no, I just flicked it.
I flicked my bug.
I had a good idea with my kids the other day.
There should be a bug man.
Just like Aquaman can say like 10,000 piranhas.
You should be a bug guy where you can like sick wasps on someone.
Or say there's a lot of mosquitoes around.
You just summon dragonflies and they eat them all.
That is cool.
Or you could have just a swarm of wasps.
Is it because it's too hard to draw?
I don't know, but it's maybe.
Yeah, yeah.
You could have like a billion millipedes go into someone's house and just ruin it.
Yeah.
It's more useful than Aquaman is.
Exactly.
Yeah.
It's way more.
One time.
My wife insisted we all watch, we have movie night once in a while, and for movie night, she chose Aquaman.
And I'm just like, first of all, you can swim like this at a million miles an hour.
Why are you on a fish?
Right.
With all that resistance going.
It's idiotic.
They're riding dolphins around.
You're faster than a dolphin.
Just lazy.
Oh, and the CGI was so gross.
My daughter hates CGI.
Remember Ant-Man?
Oh, I'm sorry.
Yeah, Antman was pretty good.
Yeah, he uses bugs, but he doesn't summon them.
Oh, yeah.
No, he does summon them.
He has a bunch of ants.
He's got a bunch of ants.
And uncles, I'm sure.
That was a really funny joke, Dr. Zeus.
Yeah, you know what's ironic about that Homeless Gavin video is it's clickbait, and they offer substance, and then you click on it, and it's all bullshit.
And the irony is Joe Rogan's the opposite.
It'll just be like talking to a chemist, and then you click on it, and it's three hours of incredible information about how our lives are affected by carcinogens or something like that.
So you're taking one of the most substantive people on YouTube and making a stupid, useless, substanceless video.
It's basically like the life hacks where we glue an eraser here, stick a tack in it, and say, you can hang a rubber band if you want.
All right.
We're running out of time.
In fact, we're over time.
But let's check out the mail bag.
Ryan, shut up, you don't have a dad.
Let's turn our eyes to Gavin's mailbag.
Let me touch you.
Too challenging for you?
What I was trying to do was not important.
No, it's important.
Let's learn from your mistakes, everyone at home.
While you make a mistake now.
I don't like to have the bug on the thing because it interferes with the text for the logo.
So I try to.
And where's the bug now, Genie Ars?
Wow.
Bad at his job, bad at his job.
Always ready to screw up all the little things.
Sung to the tune of one at a time by the Who from the album It's Hard.
Bad at his job, bad at his job.
I can't even summon one bug back to the.
Oh, that wasn't bad, actually.
Thanks.
All right, this girl who I'm not on dating apps.
They happened after I became married.
I was married in 2005, and dating apps weren't that common back then.
Of course, I had been monogamous before that for a little bit, an hour.
So I wasn't on.
And plus, I don't know, in New York in the early aughts, it just wasn't what you did.
There was enough drugs and booze to get all the girls you want.
God, it was slut central.
Plus, I ran vice, so that wasn't a challenge.
But anyway, I'm just amazed at how bad it is at the pictures.
Men don't seem to understand how women's brains work, and the pictures they put up on these dating apps are gay, for lack of a better word.
Now, I sent you these in a separate email.
Look at this guy.
This is David.
He's 37.
He's a straight man, single, 5'10.
They're big on their height.
You must have a rough time there, Midget.
I do fine.
Okay.
Do you write your height down on dating apps?
I don't even know what it is.
I know what it is.
It's 5'5.
Yeah.
Tiny.
Right, right.
Mini man.
Little guy.
Vern Troyer.
Mini me.
Mini you.
Because there's no me.
Mini Mao.
Straight man single 5'10 fit.
Looking for women for short and long-term dating and open to non-monogamy.
Yeah, we know.
Men don't have to say, happy to cheat on you if you wish.
What a retard.
Open to non-monogamy.
All men are open to non-monogamy.
If some woman says, I don't mind if you screw around, I guess you'd be kind of hurt that she doesn't care, but you're not going to be too angry, especially if she says, I think I might be by.
I'm going to be bringing home women on a regular basis.
Really?
Darn.
Oh, well, C'est la vie.
Let's go to the other one, though, because there's a few of these.
So there's toe man who wants to show you his toes.
By the way, why are we so nude and toe-y?
Like, can't you be wearing a suit or something?
Women like to see you dressed up.
Be in a bar with a brandy, with the lighting nice, and be wearing a really tailored suit, a perfect suit, and be like, that's what I would do.
Looking for drinks.
Stolen from a...
Who is this?
Snowflake.
I think this is...
You're lying.
Snowy winters of St. Petersburg.
While growing up, I was always surrounded by the love of my wonderful parents.
Yeah, that makes girls wet.
I love my mommy.
Will you be my new mommy?
They raised me.
Look at the bad line breaks, too.
He's just cut and pasted this without even looking at it.
They raised me to be curious and kind, to peek behind closed doors, to learn.
What, you watch them fuck?
What else does he say?
Let the boy watch.
He's behind the camera now.
Okay, to learn.
Okay, what's on the other side?
Radiant childhood memories combined with a healthy appetite for learning have shaped me into who I am today.
Proud of my breasts.
As a man, not scared to have attention given to my nipples.
I see my feet as erotic zones.
Erogen zones are my chest, my toes, my upper loins.
I love my inner thighs caressed.
Kissed and poked.
Available.
We'll supply coconut oil for my inner thigh touching.
And my mother used to love to do it when I was young.
We'll carry your purse, no problem.
It's worse than just beta males, too.
It's like overly sensual.
Looking to rub your legs with milk.
Ew.
It's got to stink.
Oh, it's getting everywhere.
Oh, it's got to stink.
Let's put a shower curtain on the bed.
Oh, my God.
This guy wants to rub me with milk.
You see, Seinfeld was giving Mark Norman a shout out at the Mets game?
Yeah, yeah.
That's pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty good.
It's pretty, pretty good.
That's the comedian Ryan is doing when he goes, yeah, pretty bad.
Mark Norman.
Mark Norman.
I saw in the Legion of the Skanks that they were making fun of, like, how that doesn't reach a lot of people.
It's like SNY or something, that channel.
And then we're like, Jerry Seinfeld would have reached more people if he just went on the East, like in the East Village on a balcony.
Dave Smith said that.
Well, that's because they're Yankees fans.
100% of Mets fans watch SNY.
I'll have you now.
Okay, who's this next guy?
He's 40.
Eric's 40 and he's got a best friend.
Yeah, I'm Harry.
So's my buddy named Harry.
What's on the dog?
Does the dog have a cowboy hat?
You're doing this thing where you don't zoom out enough.
Like, why do you do that?
Are you scared I'll see that person's battery power?
It's not ugly.
It's information.
Even with YouTube, I like when you zoom out so I can see the YouTube user.
I got to get a zoom in on this little hat.
Oh my God.
I love my little gay dog.
Oh, man.
What has he got to say?
He's got strangly hair, too.
I thought.
Oh, that's because he just had a shower where he was washing himself.
That's what he's saying.
He's saying, I know you don't want to go down on me.
That's what I call it.
Because I'm so hairy.
But as you can see, I shower a lot.
So it's going to be nice down there.
Nice and soapy.
Wait, wait, wait.
Go back.
Go back.
You're the king of leadership.
There's Irish goodbye editing.
Demisexual, heteroflexible.
Wow.
I bet even gays read that and go, well, no, thanks.
We don't like that kind.
They like straights who don't want to have sex with them.
Not a straight guy to go, yes, I'd love to try.
Heteroflexible man, single, 5'10, fit.
Middle Eastern white, speaks English.
Middle Eastern.
Okay, the next one is one of the weirdest ones.
Jack, 45 Upper West Side.
I am 6'2, strong, kind, elegant, and I'm elegant.
Hi.
Ew.
What's up?
I'm Gavin.
You may have heard of me.
I'm super elegant.
And his pictures are all paintings.
Who is that?
Gustav Klimt in the bottom left?
Look how cultured he is.
Why look at me when you can see some beautiful paint?
Wait a minute.
I think elegant and cultured with paintings means fat and bald.
I think Jack is a little Danny DeVito, but who's tall?
He's a tall Danny DeVito.
Yeah, that's what it is.
He's probably like a history teacher at a charter school, and he'd rather focus on art than silly things like aesthetics.
Yeah, that's a really out-of-touch thing to do.
So he's probably, yeah.
All right, we're totally out of time.
But speaking of aesthetics, this was the last one.
I modeled for five years in my 20s.
I'm looking for someone kind, compassionate, creative.
Stop saying all that shit.
No, like women don't want to be kind.
They're not looking for someone kind.
I'm looking for a crazy bitch to drink beers with.
Bye.
A special female friend who understands that I sometimes have deep female instincts.
You're written up.
You just lost her.
And desires that I can feel alone with.
He wants to be pegged.
This is an ugly, fat, bald guy who wants to be pegged.
I just think there are too many rules in life about gender, sexual orientation.
They're all gay.
Why do all these guys want to suck a dick so bad?
Hi, looking for a woman who has a penis?
Like, when you're trying to pick up chicks, you don't need to include that you're open to gay sex.
It's not like women are sitting there going, God, all these guys are so straight.
Don't any of them want to have an orgy with me and my gay friends?
Yeah, this guy waits for you in the bathroom.
He's like, hey, can you bring me a towel?
And then she comes in and he's like, his butt's in the air, just pulled open.
Hey, yeah.
Or he's lying back with his hands behind his knees.
He's been waiting there so long, it's just all, it's his butts dry.
Or when she fillates him, he's like, oh, puts on music and stuff.
Have you ever met a woman in your life?
Ever?
Who are you, people?
Have you ever talked to a chick?
Like, even a female friend, she's going to get drunk and tell you she doesn't like men that are pussies.
God, look at the woman who sent me this.
She's like, can you believe what I have to deal with?
Yeah.
All my letters, by the way, are from chicks.
Here's another one.
It's badass, man.
Hi, Gav.
I'm the one who sent you the email about being a 6.3.
We read this on the air, and it seems as though you were a bit cut up about it.
She's clearly British.
Sorry, love.
Didn't mean to hurt you.
Although, you're acting a bit like a woman about it because you keep mentioning it.
Yes, I'm vain.
Have you noticed I have a show called Me?
But also, I wanted to add that I didn't take into consideration what you are without, the beard.
If you were unable to grow facial hair, the score would be a lot different.
With facial hair, you are a 6.3, but without it, you are a 3.3.
Ouch.
That's just not true.
So, to compare on the female scale, with facial hair, you are Amy Schumer.
Without it, you are Tarana Burke.
The ugliest woman that we know of.
I mean, there's women who have burns and stuff, but as far as no accidents and no diseases, like a natural head, she's the ugliest woman in America.
She challenges the definition of female.
Yeah.
That's rough.
Yeah, like there's a lot of, if it was Tarana Burke or a bunch of trannies, I think a lot of us would be what?
Hetero-questioning?
Heteroflexible.
Heteroflexible.
I think she makes men heteroflexible.
You've got to pull up her face.
Did you say demi- You got to find demisexual?
You got to find Mr. Potato Head.
Tarana.
She's less attractive than Mr. Potato Head.
Yeah.
There we go.
It's getting hot in here.
Like, she literally could be in the circus if it was the 20s.
And she could be called Hippo Lady.
Come on up.
See the Hippo Lady right here.
Gavin Nickel.
I just want to throw money.
Not for the kids or the faint of heart.
Step right up one nickel.
No kids allowed.
Sorry.
Too many nightmares.
We got sued.
One time I was in.
What's it called?
The Santanero Feast in Italy.
In Italy.
In Little Italy.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
San Jannaro?
I was surprised.
I thought I would get a lot done, but I didn't do diddly in Little Ital Italy.
I didn't do diddly in Little Italy.
That's pretty cool.
I didn't do diddly in Little Italy.
It's like a mortal technique.
What's the San Jannaro Feast?
And it's, you know, New York can be so quaint sometimes.
And the San Jannaro Feast is still like Italian, 1930s.
Sideshows and stuff.
I got my phone back, by the way.
I don't know if I told you folks at home that.
It was in the Lost and Found of Grand Central.
The Lost and Found of Grand Central is smaller than the studio.
And they come in, they charge your phone, see if they can see a number.
And then if you file a report, they call you up and say, hello, Joey.
Your phone was on a one-way ticket to Palocalle, you bum.
Get on down here, have some sarsaparilla, and we'll give you a phone back.
Yeah, quit being such a jughead and get on down here and collect your property.
Come on, you boob.
What were you drinking?
Sarsaparillas all night?
Having that gin and tonic?
You know it's prohibition, right?
And they call me up.
There's my phone, and they've charged it.
And I go, well, would you want?
He's got a little hat on, his little key in his little waist pocket.
He goes, no, don't worry about it, sir.
Are we still at war?
What year is it?
It's 2019.
What?
Donald Trump is president.
The guy that was in Mad Magazine in the 80s?
Oh, son of Fred Trump.
Sure.
I remember Fred Trump.
His boy is president?
I remember that boy who has had the blondest hair.
I remember Fred.
I remember Fred when he was this tall.
He liked a burger and a maltin.
So weird.
And then, and they pulled a bucket with like 50 phones.
Mine was number 36.
Ready to go.
Dang.
Anyway.
Pretty cool.
Bizarre.
So that's not true.
I'll take the 6.3, but I'm not going down to 3.3.
I'm not going down to Toronto Burke.
You're just trying to hurt my feelings.
But it's okay.
Shit, a cool guy with a killer record collection.
I hope Peter and the Test 2 babies make it off the record, by the way.
I can't believe I haven't covered Peter and the Test 2 Babies.
They're one of my favorite bands of all time.
In fact, Anal Shinook, my band, kind of mirrored their style, and I believe it was called Clown Punk, where there'd be, you know, a lot of jokes.
That's a moped lads.
They think they're bad.
That's a moped, lads.
If you hit them, they tell their dads.
That's pretty good.
Bunny song making fun of mods.
And I will be covering them.
We've got to do some more off-the-records.
Cheers and hugs, Agnes.
And just one last insulting British letter from a woman.
Hey, just watched a recent GM EPS, and I'm sorry, but you talk so much shit sometimes.
In the episode, you said that Dragon's Den show was proof that Brits are weak.
You're an idiot and base all your theories on shit.
The reason everyone you see on Dragon's Den is nervous and having a panic attack is because the difference between American and British TV.
Nice grammar.
I've worked in reality shows in both countries and the way they are edited is very different.
American audiences typically enjoy watching success stories, whereas British audiences prefer seeing fuck-ups slash train wrecks.
So on British reality shows, if say only 20% of the people who go on the show fuck up and 80% give a good presentation, the whole show will be edited down to the 20% who fucked up.
It's not a representation of the majority.
By the way, the accent I'm doing is someone who grew up in Croydon, but they're trying to sound posh.
So sometimes they enunciate water, but it's an affectation and they really, when they're drunk or sleeping, they'll go water.
Who go on the show, idiot.
Same as all the smiley, happy, successful people on American shows.
Aren't a representation of all Americans, you brown-nosing dickhead.
I know you think you know Britain and Brits really well, but you don't at all.
I've seen how TV shows are made slash edited in both countries.
You mentioned that.
And they are very different.
They don't represent both populations at all.
Think before speak, twat.
Yikes.
Thanks, Emma.
I got one that's not grumpy, and it's short.
We're way over time.
Oh, true.
But okay, let's hear it.
It's pretty much asking, this is from Joshua, will we ever get to see the final cut of A Kiss Before Yesterday?
Yeah, it's an inside joke for Windy City Heat fans.
Yeah.
Also, when was the last time you spoke with Gary Perry?
And would you ever, is William Randolph Hearst going to appear ever again?
This gentleman is speaking of an inside joke.
It's a prank we've been playing on a gentleman named Perry Caravello for almost 30 years now.
I had to pull back from the Perry project because it was taking over my life, ruining my marriage.
I was addicted to Windy City Heat and those three clowns, Mole, Don, and Perry.
I was just using up all my time.
I was on their chats.
I just got it.
I got sucked in.
And I said, I got to start my own life here.
I think the same thing happened with Jimmy Kimmel.
You know, especially because Perry sued him twice.
There they are.
Wait, I was there that day, I think.
Really?
Gosh, nap.
Where is that again?
Is it a hotel?
Anyway.
GQA's pool party?
Yeah, the reason you're wrong, Emma, is because the Dragon's Den story that I used was just a small part of my general hypothesis.
And as someone who's run many businesses in Britain, Vice UK was not just Vice magazine.
We also had a pub, the Old Blue Last.
I've also spoken to a million entrepreneurs in both countries and had businesses in both America, restaurants, bars, apps.
I've been a successful entrepreneur for a long time.
So I'm glad you worked on a couple reality shows, but the group I'm drawing from is much larger than that.
Sorry, love.
All right, we're out of time, but I do want to end with a video.
Oh, there's my old restaurant.
Did we show that?
The Cardinal?
Whatever happened to that?
Was that just my buddy Curtis just screwing up?
Or is he right that it's impossible to run a restaurant?
Lost a lot of dough on that thing.
A lot of dough.
Anyway, we like to end this show with a viral video.
And I think while we're talking about weirdos like Jack Stauber, who we opened the show with, I'd like to say that his kooky, weird way of editing is totally normal in India because I don't know, they have no epileptics there.
Check out the way they make a point in Indian drama.
This is not a joke and hasn't been re-edited by a hipster.
wait go back to the beginning dude turn it up Who are you looking at, God?
This is how I would look at someone if I was at their funeral, bawling my eyes out, and then I realized, no, they faked their death.
Even then, I don't think I'd be that freaked out.
Yeah, I wouldn't slip upside down for a millisecond.
Still going with this point, but it's a big deal.
Sheesh.
Actually, I should say the interstitial with this rainbow might be fake.
I mean, added in post.
It's like Dragon Ball Z?
Yeah.
Shit.
Everything about Shithole Countries is shitty.
Yeah, I think the interstitial blurry thing is just a way that the editor, the Western editor, broke up these things.
But these are all real.
Boy, they should get freaked out easy over there.
By the way, it's 130 degrees in that studio right now.
Oh, he hung her computer.
she hung his computer out to dry because she washed it Is that what it's like in India?
Yeah, but with shit on the roads.
All right, we're out of time.
You step into shit and it's just, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You see piles of shit everywhere.
then have a seizure.
Yeah, so what a joke to Jack Stabber doing weird art is totally normal entertainment in India because India is obviously a shithole country.
▲
Export Selection