Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - Get Off My Lawn Podcast #51 | You know that age when you really get into something?
Aired: 2018-05-18
Duration: 45:30


=== Why We Left Punk (15:15) ===

[00:00:00]  You know that age when you really get into something?
[00:00:04]  For me, it was punk.
[00:00:06]  But for other guys, it's motorbikes or making a knife from scratch.
[00:00:10]  You know, like knifesmiths, is that what they're called?
[00:00:14]  I see them on reality shows.
[00:00:16]  For my son, it was baseball.
[00:00:17]  He was always into a thing, though.
[00:00:19]  Like when he was a little, little, little kid, he was into Yo Gabba Gabba.
[00:00:26]  That's a show.
[00:00:27]  It's a really good show, actually.
[00:00:28]  It's kind of punky, a kid's show.
[00:00:31]  And the main guy is, the host is this guy, DJ Lance.
[00:00:36]  My dad goes, and who is PJ Banks?
[00:00:41]  But he's a black dude who wears like a furry orange hat.
[00:00:45]  And at the beginning of the show, he comes out with a ghetto blaster and he opens it up.
[00:00:50]  And there's all the little guys like Fufa and Muno and Broby and Plex.
[00:00:58]  Sorry if I'm forgetting anyone in Yo Gabba Gabba.
[00:01:02]  So he would, my boy Duncan would, my middle child would come out when he was three with the ghetto blast.
[00:01:10]  So we got him like a toy version that has the characters in it.
[00:01:13]  And he would do the intro to the show, Yo Gabba Gabba.
[00:01:19]  Again and again, he's pretty serious about it too.
[00:01:21]  He wouldn't be laughing.
[00:01:22]  He was doing a very good recreation of the show.
[00:01:28]  And then he got into, there's a thing, I've probably told you about this already.
[00:01:33]  By the way, I do hundreds of hours of content a week.
[00:01:37]  No, that can't be right.
[00:01:38]  What do I do?
[00:01:40]  Yeah, that's not quite right.
[00:01:42]  Four.
[00:01:43]  At least six.
[00:01:45]  I'd say six.
[00:01:46]  Six hours a week.
[00:01:47]  So you're going to hear the same story several times.
[00:01:50]  Get used to it.
[00:01:51]  It's like we're married.
[00:01:53]  And if you're in a marriage, you hear the same story pretty regularly.
[00:01:58]  But he really got into this.
[00:02:01]  There's a thing online and they take trailers and they redo them verbatim frame by frame, but with cardboard or whatever they have around the house.
[00:02:10]  They obviously can't do a $7 million trailer.
[00:02:14]  So they do a trailer for like $400.
[00:02:17]  So he's obsessed with that.
[00:02:18]  He did that for a while and he's making stuff.
[00:02:19]  That was a cool phase.
[00:02:21]  A lot of like duct tape and glue guns and cardboard around the house as he made a full body RoboCop costume.
[00:02:28]  But I built him an art room in our new house that's just vacant now because then baseball hit and then that was it.
[00:02:36]  Sold.
[00:02:37]  Found my calling.
[00:02:39]  Like I caught him last night under the covers after lights out.
[00:02:45]  Just like looking at baseball stats, looking at different players, looking at their, their, what is it, their batting average, which is cool.
[00:02:55]  I'm totally for it.
[00:02:56]  Don't get me wrong.
[00:02:57]  And that's kind of a fun stage in your life.
[00:02:59]  So he hit it early.
[00:03:01]  The rest of us, we usually hit it when we hit adulthood, right?
[00:03:04]  When you turn 14, when you start getting pubes, that's when you start going, all right, now I found, now this is my fucking thing.
[00:03:13]  I'm sold.
[00:03:17]  Although, do we have other things?
[00:03:18]  Like, I really got into cartoons.
[00:03:20]  I wanted to be a cartoonist when I was in my early 20s.
[00:03:23]  But that's the thing about punk.
[00:03:25]  It's not like baseball where you can love it forever.
[00:03:27]  Punk is youth culture.
[00:03:30]  So you're blaspheming it if you're 22 and you have a mohawk.
[00:03:36]  That's irreligious.
[00:03:38]  That's against your religion.
[00:03:40]  So you kind of have to find a new thing when you get to be a certain age.
[00:03:45]  But I have some of our songs somewhere.
[00:03:52]  I should bust them out.
[00:03:55]  Yeah, I have a live tape.
[00:03:58]  I got a ghetto blaster on eBay because when my son goes up to bat, his middle name is White Thunder, and it's an Indian thing.
[00:04:08]  And I like to go Thunder!
[00:04:10]  Ah, Thunder!
[00:04:14]  As he steps up to the plate.
[00:04:16]  So I got this ghetto blaster I use on my show.
[00:04:18]  I got batteries for it, and I ordered the tape Thunderstruck by ACDC.
[00:04:26]  It's called, the album is called Razor's Edge or something like that.
[00:04:30]  So I ordered the cassette on eBay.
[00:04:32]  So now I can bring out the ghetto blaster when he goes up to the plate and press play.
[00:04:36]  Although he said, please don't do that, Dad.
[00:04:39]  But then I realized I have these old anal Chinook tapes.
[00:04:42]  My band, when I was, I'm jumping ahead here in the punk story, but the band I was in in 89, 90, 91 was called Anal Chinook.
[00:04:53]  It was started by this guy, Blake Jacobs, who went on to create wonderful bands like Man Power and Hot Piss.
[00:05:03]  I think he's at the House of Targ now in Ottawa.
[00:05:07]  But it was his brainchild, but he had the smarts to hire me as the front man.
[00:05:13]  And anal Chinook means warm, So Anal Chinook meant fart.
[00:05:21]  This was kind of a thing back in the early 80s, so we were a little late to the game.
[00:05:27]  But like, I think on Wikipedia it's called clown punk, but it was like goofy punk.
[00:05:33]  Peter and the Testu Babies were part of that thing.
[00:05:37]  And you would just, you'd get on stage.
[00:05:41]  You had political lyrics.
[00:05:42]  You were serious, so it was sort of like crass politically.
[00:05:45]  But you'd have funny costumes on and you'd throw, like we had the song called Use Your Brains Now and we'd throw cow brains out into the audience.
[00:05:54]  And I think Tom Green kind of copied us too.
[00:05:57]  He had a band called Organized Rhyme and they would come out with like ski boots on their heads and stuff and throw stuff out in the crowd.
[00:06:04]  Tom, you rip me off with that.
[00:06:06]  But I'll see it as an homage.
[00:06:09]  We had a song called Foreskin.
[00:06:11]  It was a true story about when I was going to have my foreskin cut off by a Muslim doctor, by the way.
[00:06:17]  I had a problem with my fresnellum, which is like, it's the thing that holds your whole foreskin together.
[00:06:22]  Say, you know, under your tongue, that little string?
[00:06:25]  That is on your penis.
[00:06:27]  And I tore that, or Deanna Craig tore it in 1988.
[00:06:35]  So I went to a doctor and I said, My dick's bleeding like a stuck pig.
[00:06:39]  I was having sex with this other girl, and as it went in, there'd be a showerhead just going.
[00:06:45]  So for every pump, I'd go and get a showerhead of blood back.
[00:06:50]  So the broom looked like Amityville horror.
[00:06:54]  So anyway, I go to the doctor and he says, we'll just circumcise you.
[00:06:57]  And I thought, no.
[00:06:59]  And it's funny because as a circumcised guy, you're always wondering if you wish, I mean, an uncircumcised guy, you always wondered if you wished you were circumcised.
[00:07:07]  You say you don't, but everyone, no one's going to criticize their own penis.
[00:07:10]  It's sort of like being Canadian.
[00:07:12]  Like you think, do I secretly wish I was American?
[00:07:14]  Am I just pretending that I love Canada?
[00:07:17]  Do I wish I could go down to the stars and stripes?
[00:07:20]  And so when it was, circumcision was handed to me on a silver platter, I said, no, I don't want to be that.
[00:07:26]  I definitely am not faking when I say I love being a Canadian foreskin.
[00:07:32]  So I just took it easy.
[00:07:35]  Had baths, which is hard for a young teenage man to do.
[00:07:39]  Just, you know, exercised it very gently and didn't beat off or anything for about six months, which seems normal now, but back then, oh my God, six months is a long time.
[00:07:52]  And it worked.
[00:07:53]  I fixed it.
[00:07:54]  That doctor was wrong.
[00:07:56]  You know, when I was in London doing that free speech thing with Tommy Robinson, my bodyguard was this pro wrestler.
[00:08:02]  And he, we got talking.
[00:08:04]  That's probably why my speech was so shitty.
[00:08:06]  We were backstage in the boiling hot sun with barely a chair for eight hours.
[00:08:12]  I was cooked and there's riots and fights going on outside.
[00:08:16]  Anyway, I'm talking to this soccer hooligan, pro wrestler, and he tells me he was circumcised, for the exact same reason, by the way, at 28.
[00:08:26]  He said that they had to make a Weetabix box to go around it, and it was covered in...
[00:08:35]  Like, you know how much it hurts when you cut your hands because there's so many nerve endings on your hands?
[00:08:40]  Or when you burn your hand, it hurts way more than anywhere else on your, like on your arm?
[00:08:43]  Or even you get a tattoo.
[00:08:45]  You get a tattoo on your shoulder.
[00:08:48]  It feels like nothing.
[00:08:49]  But you get a tattoo somewhere sensitive, like your ribs, and it kills.
[00:08:53]  Or your butt.
[00:08:54]  I got a tattoo of a butt on my butt, which has a tattoo of a butt on it, by the way.
[00:08:59]  I showed my dad and I thought he'd laugh and he goes, oh my God, that's self-abuse.
[00:09:06]  So having an operation on your fucking penis must be an, And I'd go, that, you deserve it.
[00:09:23]  You should be, you should join World War II vets on Memorial Day.
[00:09:26]  Stand next to them with, like, a trophy that's decorated like a foreskin on your jacket.
[00:09:32]  And he goes, my, it was the fucking worst.
[00:09:35]  Couldn't have been worse.
[00:09:36]  Couldn't have been fucking worse.
[00:09:41]  Oh, I knew another guy who had it.
[00:09:43]  He had to make a sort of a boundary thing around him with couch cushions.
[00:09:47]  So he had a couch cushion on each hip and then duct tape around his whole body so it could never bump into anything.
[00:09:54]  I think when he slept.
[00:09:56]  Oh, I don't even want to talk about it anymore.
[00:10:00]  So anyway, I fixed my foreskin.
[00:10:02]  And when we talked, we had a song called No, Don't Take My Foreskin.
[00:10:05]  And Blake would, we made a foam penis.
[00:10:11]  I think Blake made it.
[00:10:12]  He was quite handy.
[00:10:13]  He tried to get into art school.
[00:10:16]  And one of his submissions was, what's his name?
[00:10:21]  Dances with Wolves guy.
[00:10:23]  What's his name again?
[00:10:25]  The Water World guy?
[00:10:29]  Kevin Costner.
[00:10:30]  Kevin Costner.
[00:10:31]  It was Kevin Costner surrounded by penises.
[00:10:35]  And it said dances with penises.
[00:10:40]  Didn't get in.
[00:10:41]  I didn't get in either, actually.
[00:10:43]  My portfolio came back largely immature, potential unknown.
[00:10:48]  Which is still sort of going on.
[00:10:50]  It was an accurate assessment.
[00:10:51]  But anyway, we made a penis, and then Blake would, this is actually on YouTube.
[00:10:56]  Blake rips my penis off with his teeth, rips the foreskin off.
[00:11:01]  And he sold his cock for punk rock.
[00:11:03]  He then screams.
[00:11:05]  So I'm getting to the end of punk because soon after this band, I did another band called Leather Ass Buttfucker.
[00:11:11]  I wonder if I have that cassette somewhere.
[00:11:13]  That was with Shane Smith, the guy that I hired to do sales advice.
[00:11:17]  I think I do have that cassette.
[00:11:19]  I'm going to see if I can dig it up.
[00:11:21]  Anyway, this is my punk band, Anal Chinook, and this song is called Goodbye Ozone Layer.
[00:11:29]  Goodbye.
[00:11:31]  Hey John Brown, are you aware?
[00:11:33]  The old dogs are pleading, but you don't care.
[00:11:37]  It's massive assault against the animals, the humans, the animals, the forestation.
[00:11:44]  Did you hear that?
[00:11:45]  Hey, John Brown, are you aware the ozone's depleting, but you don't care?
[00:11:51]  The animals.
[00:11:52]  Deforestation.
[00:11:53]  Goodbye, Ozone Lair.
[00:12:11]  I've been driving photos of 80 years to the race.
[00:12:14]  80 years to the race.
[00:12:16]  You must tell me that's the one who's not my life.
[00:12:19]  I've got my life.
[00:12:20]  You'll hear the people's rights.
[00:12:22]  You know what happens to these bands?
[00:12:24]  Inevitably, they get good.
[00:12:27]  So they start out doing good little punky riffs, and then they learn to play their instruments, and they start doing like 5-4 time.
[00:12:35]  And that's usually the end of the band.
[00:12:37]  Some people can handle it.
[00:12:39]  Like Black Flag, they became a jazz trio, basically.
[00:12:43]  We used to do a few years ago, I started a band called 80s Hardcore.
[00:12:46]  We covered 80s Hardcore.
[00:12:47]  Black Flag were way too hard to cover.
[00:12:51]  Same with Bad Brains.
[00:12:52]  They're just too good.
[00:12:53]  You have to do like Cro-Mags, no offense, John Joseph, and Agnostic Front and stuff.
[00:13:00]  But Hoosker Doo, they got really good at their instruments, and then they just became a really good pop band.
[00:13:06]  But we start, you can hear that doo-dee-doom, bee dee-dee-doo-be-doo.
[00:13:09]  The first riff was stolen from the Sex Pistols, but then the second riff was getting a little too jazzy.
[00:13:14]  And that's usually when it's time for the band to break up.
[00:13:17]  I won't bore you with too much of this, but let me hear another song.
[00:13:24]  Oh, that's the same song.
[00:13:25]  I haven't touched a cassette in so long.
[00:13:27]  I forgot how much you have to fast forward to go forward.
[00:13:31]  On Netflix, you just touch fast forward and you're 10 minutes ahead.
[00:13:35]  On cassette flicks, you really got to hold it down.
[00:13:39]  Hold it down, boy.
[00:13:41]  All right, what's this?
[00:13:45]  Oh, that's Pee-Wee's.
[00:13:46]  Pee-wee's Playhouse.
[00:13:50]  We did a cover of Pee-Wee's Playhouse, which my brother, who was about five at the time, was thrilled about.
[00:14:03]  We jammed at Blake Jacobs' house, and we had a song called Fuck You.
[00:14:07]  And it went, Fuck You!
[00:14:12]  Fuck you!
[00:14:13]  And his mother didn't like it.
[00:14:14]  She's French-Canadian, and they're very Catholic.
[00:14:18]  So we had to change it to God Bless You.
[00:14:21]  And one time we were playing that song, God Bless You, and it became about atheism and how awesome it is.
[00:14:28]  And we gave his dog a heart attack, and his dog died.
[00:14:32]  He had a little tiny little schnitzer dog, whatever they're called, like my stupid dog.
[00:14:37]  And it fucking died.
[00:14:39]  Sorry about that, Mrs. Jacobs.
[00:14:41]  All right.
[00:14:42]  All right.
[00:14:51]  Oh my god, this is bad.
[00:14:53]  Come on in, and put yourself a push in.
[00:14:56]  Hey!
[00:14:57]  Let the fun begin, it's time to let down your head.

=== System, System, Teach Him to Crawl (05:56) ===

[00:15:00]  Hey!
[00:15:00]  We're a band called Anderson Nook.
[00:15:02]  And we all know how to control wacky.
[00:15:05]  At Pee Wee's Playhouse.
[00:15:07]  There's a crazy rhythm.
[00:15:09]  I'm going to puppet dance.
[00:15:11]  Days are cool, got cheeky, baby.
[00:15:13]  I'm going to puppet dance.
[00:15:14]  Whoa, whoa, whoa.
[00:15:15]  I'm a stalking fish.
[00:15:20]  It's gotta get heavy soon.
[00:15:26]  That was a thing with hardcore.
[00:15:28]  It was always like I was trying to scare you.
[00:15:33]  So it'd be like, woke up in the morning feeling.
[00:15:36]  Oh, that's Keisha.
[00:15:38]  Keisha.
[00:15:39]  But it'd be like, parents getting on my nerves.
[00:15:45]  Gotta make it to school.
[00:15:48]  Change your mind.
[00:15:49]  Grab a gun now.
[00:15:51]  Who's the fool?
[00:15:58]  It goes crazy after that.
[00:16:00]  It's like horror rock.
[00:16:03]  So I don't really remember this song, but I know it's gotta get heavy soon.
[00:16:11]  must be it That's heavy, by the way.
[00:16:18]  Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
[00:16:26]  All right, so it's a cacophony.
[00:16:28]  You got it.
[00:16:29]  I haven't heard that tape in about 20 years, but I do remember cringing at one part where I go, this next song is about how society tries to control you.
[00:16:43]  What?
[00:16:44]  That's a big thing with punk.
[00:16:46]  Society doesn't give a shit.
[00:16:48]  It's not trying to control you.
[00:16:49]  Oh yeah, that's the factory.
[00:16:51]  They raise you in the school, then they send you to the workforce where you can work nine to five.
[00:16:58]  Remember that's a crass song too?
[00:17:00]  Where do we get it?
[00:17:01]  Swimming pools.
[00:17:02]  How do we get it?
[00:17:03]  Follow the rules.
[00:17:04]  System, system, system.
[00:17:06]  I don't know.
[00:17:07]  Swimming pools are awesome.
[00:17:10]  There's another crass lyric where they go, teaching little Johnny to use a gun.
[00:17:16]  Terrific way for father to get to know his son.
[00:17:21]  Yeah, it is a terrific way for a father to get to know his son.
[00:17:24]  What are you talking about?
[00:17:26]  I totally agree with your sarcasm.
[00:17:29]  Or they have another song called Red High Heels, and it's a woman being submissive, and it's a feminist anthem about how cruel we are to women and how gross it is that we make them wear red-high heels.
[00:17:42]  And she's singing this high-pitched voice.
[00:17:44]  She's like, I'll be your bonsai, your beautiful bonsai, your black-eyed bonsai, erotically rotting.
[00:17:49]  And I'm listening to it as an adult going, awesome.
[00:17:52]  Great.
[00:17:53]  I can't wait.
[00:17:54]  Are you going to put on those red-high heels?
[00:17:55]  You keep bitching out?
[00:17:58]  My feet are bound for your desire.
[00:18:00]  So I'm like, bound and tired, I walk on fire.
[00:18:04]  Hit me out.
[00:18:05]  Kiss me with your lips.
[00:18:07]  Beat me with your fists.
[00:18:08]  You're like, wow, this bitch is kinky.
[00:18:11]  I'm into it.
[00:18:12]  One other lyric, too, before I end the crass bashing is, what does he say?
[00:18:19]  System, system, system, teach him to crawl.
[00:18:23]  Babies just crawl.
[00:18:25]  You don't have to teach a baby to crawl.
[00:18:27]  They just do it naturally.
[00:18:31]  But yeah.
[00:18:33]  You have that age at 14.
[00:18:34]  Now I'll go back to the beginning of the podcast.
[00:18:36]  You have that age.
[00:18:36]  It's usually 14.
[00:18:38]  You find your thing, and it's fucking great.
[00:18:42]  It really is fun when you find your thing.
[00:18:46]  You become consumed by it.
[00:18:48]  I wish there was a way to incorporate education in that.
[00:18:51]  Like with my son, the baseball kid.
[00:18:53]  Can't the teachers just teach him baseball math or English math?
[00:18:57]  I mean, that's, I got him a book from the library called Strike Three, You're Dead, so he could read thrillers.
[00:19:03]  Make it, I think there's a school like that.
[00:19:05]  I think it's Brown or something.
[00:19:08]  There's schools of thought, right?
[00:19:09]  With these fancy young private schools, like for toddlers, not quite toddlers, but you know, five and up grade school.
[00:19:18]  And one of them encourages the group and the other encourages the individual.
[00:19:22]  Go with individual.
[00:19:23]  Fuck the group.
[00:19:24]  I hate teamwork.
[00:19:26]  It's so gay.
[00:19:28]  All right.
[00:19:28]  Does everyone contributed?
[00:19:30]  What did you do for the project?
[00:19:31]  Did you talk at the meeting?
[00:19:33]  I see these women.
[00:19:34]  There's an app for women where it tells them that they spoke X amount of time at the meeting and it gives them encouragement.
[00:19:40]  A fucking app.
[00:19:41]  It says, you were great at that meeting.
[00:19:43]  You spoke for 1.2 minutes.
[00:19:46]  Fuck meetings.
[00:19:47]  If you like meetings, you're bad at business.
[00:19:50]  And if you like teamwork, you're gay.
[00:19:54]  Ally is the name of the fucking software.
[00:19:57]  Ally.
[00:19:58]  I think if you need software to encourage you to be in the workforce, you probably don't belong in the workforce.
[00:20:03]  Let's cut the shit.
[00:20:07]  And yeah, the nature of individuals is we find a thing.
[00:20:10]  Now, if you haven't found your thing, that's not a big deal.
[00:20:13]  I always said to people, it's like fashion, right?
[00:20:16]  If you're not inclined to go ahead and get on a great outfit and have a look, then just go with the basics.
[00:20:24]  You got your Levi's, your Chuck Taylors, you got your White Haynes t-shirt, you got a Harrington jacket or a jean jacket, whatever.
[00:20:32]  You know, just, especially with shoes, you got your Rod Lavers, you got your Clarks, you got your Red Wings, just the basics.
[00:20:39]  Don't be adventurous and don't wear flip-flops.
[00:20:41]  I want to see your fucking feet.

=== Suburban Madness (09:33) ===

[00:20:44]  That goes for you too, women.
[00:20:46]  I don't want to see your mangled toes when I'm at a fucking bar.
[00:20:50]  God damn it.
[00:20:51]  Last night I went out here in the burbs.
[00:20:53]  It was a madhouse.
[00:20:55]  These suburbanites are lunatics.
[00:20:58]  First I go to one bar by the train station.
[00:21:01]  It's all hipsters.
[00:21:02]  It looks like a vice party in 2004.
[00:21:06]  Actually, it was an exaggeration of that.
[00:21:09]  It looked like a Hollywood set of hipsters at a vice party in 2004.
[00:21:15]  It was, I just got distracted because I remembered I want to go find a little rest butt fuck cassette.
[00:21:25]  It was, yeah, as I walk in, I just see all these 20-somethings and I just go, nope.
[00:21:31]  I thought it was in the suburbs, by the way.
[00:21:33]  So then I go back upstairs and as I'm coming up the stairs, there's a guy with a leather motorcycle jacket, a white t-shirt, a top bun, and a cigarette hanging out of his mouth.
[00:21:41]  I'm an hour from Manhattan right now.
[00:21:44]  And I go, nope, too busy.
[00:21:46]  And he goes, hey, howdy.
[00:21:48]  I think he recognized me.
[00:21:50]  And I go, hello, I'm out of here.
[00:21:52]  And he goes, whoa, you leaving this fucking place?
[00:21:57]  I like how he added fucking in there to be cool.
[00:21:59]  Then I go to this other bar that's older people.
[00:22:02]  It's jam-packed with broads.
[00:22:04]  It's like Mom Central.
[00:22:06]  Maybe teachers have a holiday today or something.
[00:22:09]  So I can't go in there because we know how women are when they're drunk.
[00:22:13]  They're so, they're ear-piercingly loud.
[00:22:15]  Then I finally found this gross old man bar, a little bit out of the ways, and there's like five drunk guys there yelling, listening to Bruce Springsteen.
[00:22:25]  He's playing my hometown, and they're like, I love this song.
[00:22:27]  What's it called again?
[00:22:28]  Born in America?
[00:22:30]  And there's an AMA fight on where someone's massacring another man, two six foot four men.
[00:22:36]  And I think, finally, finally I'm home.
[00:22:39]  Why didn't I come here first?
[00:22:41]  Everything they yell makes me laugh.
[00:22:43]  Is this Born in America?
[00:22:46]  And meanwhile, Bruce Springsteen is saying, clear as a pin, my hometown.
[00:22:52]  Once again, just to be clear, it's my hometown.
[00:22:57]  That's what fucking song this is.
[00:23:00]  And the other guy's like, I love Born in America.
[00:23:04]  It's called Born in the USA, and it starts out with a bang, bang!
[00:23:09]  Like it's a fucking loud jam with almost like a Liberty bell smashing from the very beginning.
[00:23:16]  It's not a sweet little ballad about being from a really small town.
[00:23:24]  And he tussled my hair in my tiny town that wasn't the born in the USA Vietnam song that's way louder than this.
[00:23:34]  Doon, doon, doon.
[00:23:36]  Born in America.
[00:23:40]  Fucking funny.
[00:23:41]  I love drunk men.
[00:23:42]  I'm gay for drunk men.
[00:23:44]  And then, so I'm sitting there and I'm like, finally, I ordered a maker's mark.
[00:23:47]  I haven't had a maker's in a while.
[00:23:48]  I'm sort of going off this beer starvation diet.
[00:23:50]  I lost a good, like, 12 pounds, I think.
[00:23:53]  But I think it's making me bald.
[00:23:55]  I think my body thinks I'm dying and it's getting rid of the excess hair.
[00:23:59]  So that, I don't know, the funeral will go smoother.
[00:24:03]  But then a group of lower middle class baby boomers, I'm not being classist, I'm just giving you the demographic.
[00:24:12]  So likely teachers come in, about 50% men, 50% women, my age, 40-somethings.
[00:24:19]  They come in, they're drunk, it's a birthday party.
[00:24:22]  All right.
[00:24:23]  I've seen Motorhead live many times.
[00:24:25]  They're known as the loudest band in rock and roll.
[00:24:28]  These people made Motorhead sound like Bruce Bringstein singing about his hometown.
[00:24:33]  Holy fucking shit were they loud and obnoxious too.
[00:24:40]  One of the women, drunk women, the worst, I'm racist against drunk women.
[00:24:44]  One of the women comes up and says to the bartender, hey, can you fast forward this song?
[00:24:50]  And the bartender goes, um, no, she didn't have a good response.
[00:24:55]  She said, oh, he chose it.
[00:24:56]  I can't do that.
[00:24:57]  What she should have said is, what is this, a ghetto blaster?
[00:25:00]  I can't fast forward a jukebox.
[00:25:02]  You can't just go...
[00:25:05]  ...to be able to do it.
[00:25:09]  Oh, what happened?
[00:25:12]  Is it blank?
[00:25:13]  I guess peewee was the last song.
[00:25:15]  I'll go back to the beginning.
[00:25:18]  And then it was just a raging cacophony.
[00:25:22]  I shouldn't have gone out.
[00:25:23]  It was a madhouse.
[00:25:26]  But anyway, the punk face.
[00:25:31]  So I remember I was coming home with my mom.
[00:25:34]  And I'm telling you this because I hope that you had a similar story when you had your sort of awakening, that moment where you become woke.
[00:25:43]  And I was maybe 12, and I was getting along with my mom.
[00:25:49]  My mom and I were best friends, and then adolescence hit, and we were arch enemies.
[00:25:52]  I don't know what that is.
[00:25:54]  I've heard women say that, that they were best friends with their dad, and then they hit puberty, and their dad was weird around them after that.
[00:26:01]  Maybe they become too sexy, and the dad's like, What the fuck?
[00:26:03]  My daughter has tits.
[00:26:05]  I'm not looking forward to that stage.
[00:26:07]  But that happened with my mom and I. But anyway, we were best pals when I was a kid.
[00:26:12]  So we went shopping as we're wont to do.
[00:26:14]  And we're coming back in the car, and Billy Idol's white wedding comes on.
[00:26:21]  Hey, little sister, what have you done?
[00:26:25]  Brilliant song.
[00:26:26]  And it's brilliant for a million reasons.
[00:26:29]  I did a whole episode, I think, on Generation X, but Billy Idol was a punk rock star.
[00:26:36]  And even the way he did that was awesome, where everyone was political and serious and about the revolution.
[00:26:40]  And Generation X just wanted to be pop stars.
[00:26:43]  And they were.
[00:26:43]  They did a great job.
[00:26:46]  But, you know, pop has an epoch.
[00:26:50]  And they're after post-zenith, they were dying.
[00:26:53]  Oh, there we're done.
[00:26:55]  And he thought, I know what I'll do.
[00:26:58]  I've got a little bit of money.
[00:27:00]  I'm going to move to New York City.
[00:27:01]  Meanwhile, he's like 25.
[00:27:03]  He's a young man.
[00:27:04]  I'll move to New York City and I'll invent a new type of music called dance punk where I'll take punk and I'll maintain my yelly thing, but I'll also add a beat to it, a drum machine and an 808 techno thingamajiggy, a sample or whatever.
[00:27:23]  And I'll have chicks singing and like Lou Reed walk on the wild side stuff and the color girls sing doo, doo doo.
[00:27:29]  I'll do all that.
[00:27:31]  Smashing success, way bigger than Generation X. Most people have never even heard of Generation X. He's still touring.
[00:27:37]  He's playing in San Bernardino, I think, this weekend.
[00:27:40]  Brilliant move.
[00:27:41]  You got to read his autobiography if you're into this shit.
[00:27:43]  It's great.
[00:27:43]  He's from Bromley.
[00:27:45]  And him and Susie Sue of Susie and the Banshees were known as the Bromley Contingent.
[00:27:48]  Of course, you compare that rebellion in 79 to the new Bromley contingent, which is Richard Reed, the shoe bomber.
[00:27:56]  How rebellion has changed over the years.
[00:27:59]  Used to be you'd dye your hair blonde and make your parents shriek.
[00:28:02]  Now you try to take down a plane.
[00:28:05]  Bromley's evolved.
[00:28:09]  But I just became consumed with Billie Idol as a young man.
[00:28:14]  Totally and utterly consumed.
[00:28:16]  I dressed like him.
[00:28:18]  I wore a fake leather vest with buttons and doohickeys on it.
[00:28:23]  Back in the 80s, you would buy these pins that were square pins or about an inch by an inch.
[00:28:27]  So I had two stripes of Billie Idol pins on my jacket.
[00:28:33]  And my locker was all billy idol.
[00:28:36]  And, you know, you didn't have the internet back then.
[00:28:39]  So you would just need to buy a billie idol like coffee table book or you'd buy billy idol records and you'd buy billy idol pins and stuff.
[00:28:47]  And then one guy in class who was way cooler than me goes, so you must love Generation X. And I go, yes.
[00:28:54]  What's that?
[00:28:57]  Meanwhile, we were Generation X. And I didn't know what that was.
[00:29:03]  So then I went and checked them out.
[00:29:05]  I know it sounds weird to be a Billy Idol fan and not have heard of Generation X, but pre-internet, that's the way it was.
[00:29:11]  You know, you'd probably go to New York and stay near Central Park and think you had seen all of New York.
[00:29:17]  There was no research.
[00:29:19]  Any Hizzle, I discovered Generation X and then I discovered this thing called punk.
[00:29:25]  And then I was like, that's it.
[00:29:26]  I'm a punk.
[00:29:26]  I don't fucking care how shitty this music is.
[00:29:29]  I'm becoming a punk.
[00:29:31]  Let's hear.
[00:29:35]  Uh-oh.
[00:29:36]  If your cassette, I remember now, if you press play and it bounces off play.
[00:29:40]  At 7 o'clock, the doors will open, and at 7.30, Mantlecase will hit the stage.
[00:29:45]  That's Sean Scallon of CKCU.
[00:29:48]  And each half hour or so we'll have a new band going on until 11:30 at night.
[00:29:52]  So hopefully people who have to take buses can get home relatively early.
[00:29:56]  It's only gonna be five bucks at the door or four bucks if you have a friend of CKCU or CUID card.

=== Pressing Butt Cheeks Against Plexiglass (04:19) ===

[00:30:02]  It's definitely a bargain, $5.
[00:30:04]  And $5 bands.
[00:30:06]  As well, there will be tables set up from local environmental and other sorts of positive type of left-wing groups or whatever you want to call them.
[00:30:15]  We'll have people from Anal Schducker are currently disroving beside me at the studio here, so I guess we're going to have to get on to them before they take off.
[00:30:30]  Oh, I had forgotten about that.
[00:30:32]  So while he was doing the announcement, announcing our show, Blake and I took our pants off and we were pushing our butt cheeks against the plexiglass, which, by the way, is called pressing a ham.
[00:30:43]  I remember in eighth grade, we were on a school trip and we pushed our butt cheeks against the back of the school bus.
[00:30:53]  And I was in a special class for mostly stupid kids, but there was also children that were dying of cancer and stuff.
[00:31:01]  And I was there because I was badly behaved.
[00:31:03]  So it was just like the island of misfit toys.
[00:31:05]  That's how shitty teachers are.
[00:31:08]  Anyone, like, there was a girl in our class, in Mr. Gunn's class, this is a Diabre Moody, who, there's nothing wrong with her.
[00:31:16]  She was just dying.
[00:31:18]  She had cancer.
[00:31:19]  And the teachers didn't want to look at her face, I guess, because she was a bummer.
[00:31:22]  Ha, ha, ha, ha!
[00:31:29]  Isn't that insane?
[00:31:31]  I wonder how she felt.
[00:31:33]  I mean, we were too young to know.
[00:31:35]  She was just like, that was Jennifer.
[00:31:37]  Hi, what's going on?
[00:31:38]  Why don't you have eyebrows?
[00:31:39]  Nice pirate hat.
[00:31:41]  But there was another kid in that class, I just remember named Tody, who was a hemophiliac.
[00:31:47]  And his grades were fine.
[00:31:49]  And he paid attention in class, but he had a blood disease.
[00:31:52]  Put him in Mr. Gunn's class.
[00:31:53]  Get him out of my fucking face.
[00:31:55]  I remember we would punch him sometimes.
[00:31:56]  And he'd go, you know, the way we weren't bullying him, but we were just like Canadian, you know, hosers.
[00:32:03]  And I remember punching me.
[00:32:05]  He goes, every time you guys punch me, every time I get punched, I have to go get a blood test.
[00:32:10]  It costs $85.
[00:32:11]  And I remember holding his arm and just nailing him like 20 times.
[00:32:14]  And I go, well, we're really racking up a bill, aren't we, Tony?
[00:32:22]  I'll never forget that.
[00:32:26]  But yeah, we're pushing our butts.
[00:32:28]  And Mr. Gunn, who was a tough guy, who Was an Alberta farmer.
[00:32:32]  We have cowboys, believe it or not.
[00:32:33]  They have rodeos and stuff over in Calgary, Calgary Rodeo, Calgary Stampede, it's called.
[00:32:38]  And he had cowboy boots on, and his hair was like mine is now.
[00:32:40]  He looked like Jack Palance.
[00:32:43]  He had one suit that he wore every day.
[00:32:45]  It was kind of polyester and brown.
[00:32:47]  And he was a big grizzled guy, big Slovakian face, you know, looked like Charles Bronson.
[00:32:53]  And he said, hey, in this classroom, in this class, we do not push our bare buttocks against glass on a trip.
[00:33:05]  And then someone had the balls to go, it's called pressing a ham, Mr. Gunn.
[00:33:10]  And everyone in the class, it was like mustard gas.
[00:33:15]  Everyone on the bus was dead.
[00:33:17]  We were laughing so fucked, because it's tense, right?
[00:33:20]  Remember that in school?
[00:33:22]  Someone would, you'd be in trouble, and then someone would say something out of the blue, and you would all die, because it would just shatter the tension.
[00:33:29]  I remember Mr. Shepard, ironically, was at Bell's Corners Public School, and he was yelling at us.
[00:33:35]  And someone was doing something, and everyone was mimicking.
[00:33:37]  He made us all leave the class and line up outside the classroom.
[00:33:40]  He was so mad.
[00:33:41]  It was like some weird, you know, military school thing.
[00:33:44]  And he said, what?
[00:33:46]  Someone does something and y'all have to do it, right?
[00:33:48]  What are you sheep?
[00:33:50]  And then there was a long silence.
[00:33:52]  And then someone at the back of the class goes, bah.
[00:33:55]  Again, mustard gas.
[00:33:57]  No knees could hold up any bodies.
[00:34:00]  We all just, it was like a firing squat.
[00:34:04]  We all collapsed instantly.

=== Guitar Talk Blues (11:25) ===

[00:34:08]  Anyway, let's hear.
[00:34:11]  Blake and Gavin.
[00:34:12]  Oh, yeah.
[00:34:12]  So we're pressing hams against the plexiglass.
[00:34:15]  We were banned.
[00:34:17]  He banned us from the CKCU studios after that.
[00:34:20]  But he's clearly laughing his head off.
[00:34:23]  Why were we banned?
[00:34:27]  Both of you are very, very anus good.
[00:34:29]  I'd like to compliment you on that.
[00:34:31]  Thank you.
[00:34:31]  When you talk, please talk closer to the mic.
[00:34:33]  Thank you.
[00:34:34]  Thank you very much.
[00:34:35]  That's good, Gavin.
[00:34:36]  Okay, let's do the usual junk.
[00:34:38]  Start off by telling me who's in the band.
[00:34:40]  Well, actually, last time we spoke to you, there were different people in the band.
[00:34:44]  What happened to the people?
[00:34:45]  Where did they go, and who did you replace them with?
[00:34:47]  I don't know what happened.
[00:34:49]  Andy Miller, who used to be our drummer, he went away to New Brunswick.
[00:34:53]  So, tell you what I'm going to do.
[00:34:54]  I'm going to leave this playing.
[00:34:55]  I'm going to go try to find my other band, Leather Ass Buttfuck.
[00:34:58]  That was a band.
[00:35:00]  We were in Amsterdam, and we went to one of these sex shops, and we said, we want your worst magazine.
[00:35:07]  Oh, I don't know what do you mean?
[00:35:09]  Go, I want, I don't care what it costs.
[00:35:12]  I want your most, like behind the counter, behind a steel wall.
[00:35:15]  You have to go into a safe.
[00:35:16]  I basically, I'm lucky I didn't end up with kiddie porn.
[00:35:19]  I want your most raunchy, most disgusting, most horrible thing.
[00:35:22]  And they go, okay, okay, okay.
[00:35:24]  So they go to the back room, and for $17, they give us a magazine, and it was called Leather Ass Butt Fuck, all one word.
[00:35:33]  And it wasn't that raunchy.
[00:35:34]  It was just a bunch of gay dudes in leather, like putting stuff up their butts and beating the shit out of each other.
[00:35:38]  But I don't know.
[00:35:40]  In New York, that's just, that's the New York Post.
[00:35:44]  All right, so I'm going to play this and see if I can find that in the cassette.
[00:35:48]  Yeah.
[00:35:49]  Pursue a business career and commerce.
[00:35:53]  And Tommy Pigeon used to be our singer, but he didn't have that much time for the band.
[00:36:00]  He does now, though, when he wants back.
[00:36:02]  Tension arises.
[00:36:04]  Yeah.
[00:36:04]  It's kind of scary.
[00:36:05]  And yeah.
[00:36:06]  Thank you.
[00:36:08]  Go ahead.
[00:36:09]  What else do you want me to say?
[00:36:10]  Oh, yeah.
[00:36:10]  Morty plays bass.
[00:36:11]  He's married to Nancy Reagan.
[00:36:15]  Pete Lawton sent him to the face.
[00:36:16]  Peter Lawton on a fine suburban young boy.
[00:36:19]  Mark Uyger on guitar, lead guitar.
[00:36:22]  So the new guys are myself on vocals, Kevin McKinnis, and Peter Lawton on drums.
[00:36:27]  Okay, so you guys are sort of in the same respect as, or at least kind of isolated in people's mental cases.
[00:36:32]  You guys are from Kanata, right?
[00:36:34]  Yes.
[00:36:34]  Now, how has Kanata influenced your music?
[00:36:38]  Well, there's not too many Kanata bands to influence our music.
[00:36:41]  Well, like living in Kanata.
[00:36:44]  Did that drive you to a life of punk rock, Gavin?
[00:36:47]  Gavin?
[00:36:48]  Yeah.
[00:36:49]  I think the distinct lack of problems in Kanata has given us a lot of money for amps and stuff.
[00:36:55]  We don't have any problems, so I guess we have to.
[00:36:57]  Oops.
[00:36:58]  I'm afraid Kanata doesn't influence us that much, huh?
[00:37:01]  All right, found it.
[00:37:03]  The thing I wanted to get across, though, is I remember becoming obsessed with punk rock, getting the record Sex Pistols Crass, forcing myself to like it.
[00:37:15]  Like when I first heard GBH, I thought, this is noise.
[00:37:18]  I don't like this song.
[00:37:21]  But I made myself like it.
[00:37:23]  And then there's this thing with punk where you're a poser unless you get all the right gear and go to an X amount of shows, and you have to sort of earn your stripes.
[00:37:32]  And you get beat up.
[00:37:34]  And it's funny.
[00:37:36]  I had to run downstairs.
[00:37:37]  It's funny seeing all these trans people just put a fucking wig on and they're a woman, which should be harder to acquire than punk.
[00:37:49]  It should be kind of a big deal to become a gender.
[00:37:53]  I mean, look at the movie Splash, how hard that mermaid had to work to become a human being.
[00:37:59]  She had to get rid of her tail.
[00:38:00]  She had to watch like a thousand hours of TV.
[00:38:03]  She had to learn to speak and stuff.
[00:38:05]  Or those robots like Data who can do everything, but they are having trouble with love and humor.
[00:38:11]  I don't seem to be able to understand humor.
[00:38:14]  But you can just be a broad if you put a mop on your head.
[00:38:18]  And then I remember getting to the stage where we were all in a punk house, which is a thing.
[00:38:24]  That was a thing with punk where you would, someone would put on a suit and look nice and rent a house, and then you'd all crash in there, and there'd be like 15 people living in a house, and it would just get destroyed.
[00:38:35]  Fred Armerson does a great Portlandia sketch about punk houses.
[00:38:38]  Really, really accurate.
[00:38:40]  Alarmingly accurate.
[00:38:42]  But I remember finally getting there and then just sort of going, yeah, this isn't all it's cracked up to be.
[00:38:48]  Like, there is no joy at the tavern as great as the road there too, as Cormac McCarthy says in The Road.
[00:38:58]  All right, let me see where this is.
[00:39:01]  This tape player, believe it or not, this tape player from the 80s tapes don't even fit anything.
[00:39:11]  Oops, I just broke something.
[00:39:14]  but I think it was a good break.
[00:39:15]  Okay.
[00:39:17]  Okay.
[00:39:22]  Uh-oh.
[00:39:25]  Remember these days of cassettes?
[00:39:27]  When anything remotely unusual happens, it's like working in a nuclear power plant.
[00:39:30]  You have to go, uh-oh, and get it out of there.
[00:39:32]  Because if you let things go too long...
[00:39:39]  That's not a good sound.
[00:39:41]  If you let things go too long and you take it out, it's just spaghetti guts.
[00:39:45]  Alright, come on.
[00:39:46]  Oh, the power wasn't on.
[00:39:50]  Uh-oh.
[00:39:52]  Oh, great.
[00:39:52]  Now I can't even inject it.
[00:39:54]  Jesus Christ.
[00:39:56]  Thank God they got rid of these stupid things.
[00:39:59]  Oh, wait, now it's doing shit I can't control.
[00:40:02]  I'm gonna just unplug it.
[00:40:07]  Shit, this is the only copy of that cassette.
[00:40:10]  Help!
[00:40:13]  Alright, Dave's gonna unplug it.
[00:40:16]  You know, another good thing about being in a band, too, is it teaches you about fame and how gay it is.
[00:40:22]  Like, you realize that it means nothing.
[00:40:24]  I think a lot of people want to be famous, but when you're in a band, you're famous in your tiny little scene.
[00:40:29]  And you realize all it is, really, is having boring conversations with strangers.
[00:40:35]  It's not like people carry you everywhere and you get to meet all these amazing people.
[00:40:40]  It's kind of boring.
[00:40:42]  Fuck, am I broken this goddamn cassette?
[00:40:45]  This thing costs me a ton of money and I'm going to take it to Duncan's games.
[00:40:49]  Now I'm pissed off.
[00:40:52]  Is that punk?
[00:40:52]  Is it punk to be pissed off?
[00:40:55]  God damn it.
[00:40:59]  I'm doing that stupid thing that men do where they just keep pushing the same button 100 times, hoping that it's a time travel button.
[00:41:08]  And you know what's even stupider is I'm going to pry this open with a knife, get it open, and then I'm just going to push it back and press play again, and the exact same thing will happen.
[00:41:17]  Let me get these scissors.
[00:41:20]  So on eBay, it said it worked.
[00:41:24]  I mean, we did get something out of it, right?
[00:41:29]  Yeah, I just do it every day.
[00:41:33]  I can feel the plastic about to break when I pull on this goddamn thing.
[00:41:36]  Let me get the cassette up.
[00:41:39]  Oh, that's not a good thing.
[00:41:44]  Oh, the cassette's sort of leaking.
[00:41:46]  But it works fine.
[00:41:49]  Should I try another one?
[00:41:50]  What's this now?
[00:41:55]  Can you plug it in again, Dave?
[00:41:57]  I'm going to do what I just said I wouldn't do.
[00:42:02]  So when you push it in now, you need a pair of scissors to open it up again.
[00:42:09]  Alright, here we go.
[00:42:10]  Well, here, let me just press play with nothing in it.
[00:42:14]  What the fuck?
[00:42:18]  Look at that.
[00:42:21]  Alright, so now I'm not touching anything, and play is just going.
[00:42:28]  It can't stop.
[00:42:30]  So the stupidest thing I could possibly do would be to put a cassette in to this thing that's already spinning without anything in it.
[00:42:38]  Here we go.
[00:42:42]  God damn it.
[00:42:46]  Fuck.
[00:42:47]  It's broken.
[00:42:48]  Thanks a lot, listeners at home.
[00:42:51]  You just broke my ghetto blaster.
[00:42:53]  I hope you're happy with yourself.
[00:42:55]  I hope you enjoyed your punk special because you just broke my ghetto blaster.
[00:43:00]  Goodbye.
[00:43:02]  Hi, guys.
[00:43:04]  I'm better.
[00:43:05]  I'm better.
[00:43:06]  I'm sorry for yelling at you.
[00:43:08]  I, uh, I'm a man and we take it out on other people.
[00:43:11]  Oh, shit.
[00:43:12]  I gotta go meet Milo in five minutes.
[00:43:14]  Um, meeting Milo Yiannopoulos for lunch.
[00:43:17]  I hope liberals don't scream us out of the restaurant.
[00:43:20]  But I did get it working now.
[00:43:21]  I had to reach in and push the thing down.
[00:43:23]  This is leather-ass buttfuck.
[00:43:25]  my other band.
[00:43:36]  Probably sounds like noise to you, right?
[00:43:39]  I hear it perfectly clear.
[00:43:41]  Because once is once.
[00:43:42]  Uh oh.
[00:43:56]  Just like the vocals were on an echo machine, and then the drums was a drum machine.
[00:44:01]  Shane Smith, a vice fame, he couldn't play guitar, so he would just shake a guitar around, and then there was one guitarist.
[00:44:07]  That was the whole band.
[00:44:08]  Well, that's the cause of the fusion.
[00:44:11]  My little baby's got the chips with the fusion.
[00:44:15]  Proton fusion.
[00:44:16]  Had a big deal.
[00:44:18]  You know, I keep fast-worlding this, hoping there'll be a song that isn't just a mess.
[00:44:25]  But that might be the selective memory we all have of our youth, where we go, we were a badass bad man.
[00:44:32]  We sounded like God flesh.
[00:44:34]  But now I hear it, it's just a man yelling at a computer.
[00:44:36]  Shout about nothing!
[00:44:52]  Yeah!
[00:44:53]  Hear that?
[00:45:16]  Gotta get inside, get myself some fish.
[00:45:18]  There's people that dream, there's people that wish nothing.
[00:45:23]  That song's about nothing.
[00:45:26]  You make me scream and shout.
[00:45:29]  And this podcast is apparently about nothing.