Get Off My Lawn Podcast #50 | My phone addiction has reached critical mass
I am on my phone almost as much as you are and we need to stop. It’s preventing us from having deep thoughts and it’s removing us from ourselves. This is making us weaker when we meet new people. Not to sound too LA but when you’ve worked on yourself, you’re more comfortable around people. Like America, if people don’t like you, they can leave. You have to like you first and that begins with getting away from your damn phone (I typed this on my phone BTW).
And it's ironic because my job in this family is to take away screens from children and get them in my lockbox.
Which, by the way, gets more intense every day.
This morning, I see them skulking around at 6.30 in the morning, the youngest one, trying to build a wall, not to keep out immigrants, but a wall of pillows that can get up to the lockbox where all the screens are locked away.
I don't know what you're gonna do when you get up there, shrimp.
Pick the lock.
Good luck with that.
And I also gotta get the kids away from this, especially my middle son there, from this game Fortnite.
And when you take it away, holy shit do you ever realize what a drug this is.
I mean, he'll be in a bad mood for a day and a half.
Because there's no screens at all now, Monday to Thursday.
So I take it away Sunday, and he knows he's about to go into withdrawal systems, as a dumb chick once said to me.
So it's like it's the last hit for a junkie.
You know, when he's going to prison, they'll do a nice little skin pop with the syringe right at Rikers and go in with a good buzz.
That's his Sunday nights.
And you think, dude, I'm not taking away your insulin, you diabetic.
You're not going to die.
It's a brutal addiction with these kids and the problem too is you take it away and they just go to their friend's house and play it.
But what am I going to do?
And I'm just as bad.
If there's an excuse I can find, like the kids are bouncing on the trampoline or something, I can see them.
I have cameras all over the property, so I can see them bouncing.
I know I'm safe.
I could be fixing something in the house.
Or, here's the crucial thing.
Having a deep thought.
Just having a thought.
But, uh, I'm not.
I'm just flipping through stuff.
Some of it's important.
Some of it's major deals.
Sometimes I'm organizing tours.
My most recent job that pays very, very well was mostly procured via text.
I've organized tours on text.
I've talked to lawyers on text about major court cases, you know, closed deal.
So it's a lot of it is relevant.
I'm going to say 50% of the stuff I look at on my phone is relevant.
But then Twitter, which is like sort of good for my job, but sort of a waste of time and will likely get me fired.
That doesn't count as quality time.
And then the worst, you know, you're in the hole when you're in Instagram, just looking at the magnifying glass stuff.
It's also a disturbing trip into your psyche.
Like I must have looked at one too many girls asses because there's all these workout things that appear about how to do squats and stuff.
I'm like, uh, I don't squat.
Thanks.
Thanks for the tips.
And then when you, when you get it, when you click too many asses, you start getting gorgeous hunks.
So you got all these buff dudes on your feed, and you're like, how can I tell the algorithm to stop sending me these?
I was on Netflix last night, and I was trying to find, oh, what was the movie?
It was The Something, and I accidentally went The, and then I went over to Big Bang Theory, and I accidentally clicked it, and I thought, shit, no, that's gonna fuck up my whole Netflix algorithm!
That was actually an episode of King of Queens where Patton Oswalt's, uh, his, uh, what do they call it?
Slingbox Hulu.
His Roku, before they had all those, it thought it was, he was gay.
Another big thing on my, um, Instagram magnifying glass is fishing videos.
I don't know.
Maybe I clicked on too many weird fish, but it's all like, can you name this river monster?
They are really cool though.
I'm happy with that.
I do like looking at weird fish, but who doesn't?
And it just, it rots your brain.
And I, Louis J. Gomez from Legion of Skanks, the Puerto Rican rattlesnake, he was talking about how he hates himself when he's addicted.
Like he hates that he gets up and before anything, he grabs his phone from the bed.
You could just look at it when you're taking a shit.
You're not Bear Grylls.
It's not Naked and Afraid if you take a shit without your phone.
It's totally fine to take it in there.
So you'll see it during that little moment.
But no, we gotta look at it right in our beds.
Was there a terrorist attack?
What's the weather like today?
What's the latest Trump controversy?
I don't like that.
And then you go to bars!
And everyone is on their fucking phone.
Grown men.
Women.
I was at a bar the other day, a woman was having a diet coke and looking at her phone in the bar.
Lady, what are you doing here?
Get out of here.
I actually had an argument with her a couple weeks ago.
She's a regular, one of my regulars.
And someone, they were talking about iPads.
Someone goes, you got an iPad?
I go, nope, iPads are for girls.
Now obviously that's how men talk, and I'm using the word girl facetiously.
But there is some truth to it.
I think computers are for men.
Because you have to type stuff.
You have to make stuff.
Women, as far as business and culture goes, they tend to be spectators.
And women are... An iPad is better for looking at things.
That's fucked up, Gavin.
Women are some of the greatest... Yeah, yeah, I know, I know.
I'm talking about general tendencies.
Look what they do on Facebook.
It's often like a rose and a drawing of a kid and... You don't know what you got till it's gone.
I regret my abortion.
No, but it's platitudes with graphics and stuff.
It's not like they're saying, hey, I just ran the numbers and about 8,000 black people are murdered every year.
That's 20 a day.
Now, the numbers also say that 14 white people get killed every day.
But I looked into it.
That's mostly Hispanics.
So it's about seven white people killed every day, 20 black people.
But white people are five times the population of black people.
So what is going on here?
I think it's the welfare and shattering the black family.
And, you know, these kids growing up without a dad and they'd have no discipline and idle hands lead to disaster.
That's what you do with a keyboard.
Type away.
What you swish at with an iPad is, like, different ideas for pants.
And I'm not saying any of those are less relevant than the other.
I'm a huge pants man.
I'm not saying I wear giant pants.
I'm actually quite a thin pants man.
But, uh, I'm into fashion.
So, I gotta curb it.
I think I'm gonna have to put my own phone in this goddamn lockbox and discipline myself.
I tried charging the kids, um, uh, money.
Like, giving them money.
Say, I'll pay you a dollar every time you catch me on my phone.
And my middle boy got up to 42 bucks, I think.
Sometimes I would just take the hit.
That's, that's how severe of an addict I am.
I just go, go ahead, man.
I'll pay.
And then he'd catch me twice in a row, now I'm up to two bucks.
Yeah, I don't care.
Gotta get my fix, dude.
But, being a ho-chunk, you know, they own a casino, he would start gambling it, and he'd be playing baseball and say like, if I don't catch this, I'll give you half off the iPhone money.
The phone money that you owe me.
And then he sort of lost interest in it.
I never paid him.
I mean, I still will, but it's just sitting there.
It didn't work, basically.
I stole the idea from my dad.
He used to do this thing where, when he was trying to quit smoking, he'd pay me $5 for every cigarette he smoked.
And he's Scottish and he's cheap, so that was like stabbing someone.
And I remember being a kid, maybe 10 years old, this would be 1980, and I would just go to the ashtray in the morning and go 5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, 35.
35 bucks I just made there.
Actually, it wasn't usually quite that much, but it was around there.
20 bucks.
Anyway, the nest egg became $350 before he finally quit.
And that nest egg is in my bank account right now.
I never in my life went below $350 because I'm Scottish too, you see.
And for a Scotsman, they choose a zero.
Could be $10,000.
Could be $100.
They choose a zero and they never go below that.
Because how's that different fae zero?
$350?
If you make that zero, then that's zero.
You know what I mean?
See these junkies?
They sell their bikes and then they're broke again the next week.
And now you got no bike and you're in the same situation you were.
You should have made your bike zero, pal!
Zero is a bike and food in the cupboards.
You're below that.
You're below zero.
You can't go below zero.
It's unacceptable.
No, but I was at the bar the other day and I had no phone and I'm just sitting there.
Oh, I forgot to tell you about the chick with the iPad.
All right, I'll get to that.
I'm just sitting there and I've got no phone and there's a game on I don't care about.
It's the Yankees or something.
And I'm just sort of staring just at the bottles And this is what a bizarre, this is what a bar is designed for, by the way.
You're supposed to sit there and stare at the bottles and have deep thoughts.
And the bartender, that job is underrated.
It's, I did it the other day at a party.
Someone said, come, I knew the owner.
He goes, come downstairs.
Yeah, go behind the bar.
It was in DC, actually, at a Daily Caller party.
The owner recognized me and he said, come downstairs and you can run the bar.
And I thought that'll be fun.
I had a little bit of a buzz.
Dude, it's insanely hard.
Everyone's screaming at you.
Everyone has their money out.
And even if they were just, even if they all wanted Budweiser's, it would be hard to get them, get them the Budweiser, get the money, give them their change.
But they all want different drinks.
But anyway, even day bartenders, they have to be benign.
Not too provocative.
Not boring, though.
Don't talk about the weather too much.
So have a quip, keep it light.
Get away from politics.
Agree with the customer, but not too much.
It's like being a good prostitute.
Sorry.
Sorry, bartenders.
I don't mean that.
God forbid you should never piss off your bartender.
Yeah, but the chick with the iPad, and then I go, they're for girls.
They're for just looking at stuff.
They're not for makers.
And she says, oh, I'm a girl.
Oh, thanks.
And she goes, and I run my own business.
Which they always say that, and it's like interior decorating, or it's like a consultancy firm for HR.
It's never like I run my own business on how to fuse molecules to help prevent cancer cells.
You know what I mean?
I do patents for biotech companies to make sure that Japanese, mostly Japanese because I speak fluent Japanese, make sure Japanese pharmaceutical companies don't steal their copyrights.
It's never that.
And that's chicks and bars.
But anyway.
Yeah, I'm bringing this up, by the way, because I know you're in the same boat.
I know that you see yourself on your phone and go, God damn it, stop!
You're down to the clickbait things at the bottom that are ads that say, Phoebe Cates was once gorgeous, you should see her now!
And then you click on it, and you have to click on a hundred other things, and you go, yeah, she's like 52.
She looks like a pretty 52-year-old.
That's what I thought she'd look like.
I've finished the internet.
So you have to allot time for your job for computers.
Look at it on a computer.
Your phone should be for emergencies and yeah, checking up on things.
Not just like, how's it going?
Go socialize with human beings.
Which brings me to, also in the suburbs, porn.
You know, I moved to the suburbs two years ago, after a quarter century in the city.
Moved out when I was 18.
So I've always been around fags and junkies and weirdos and trannies.
I'm not, trannies are not remotely new to me.
And it's always been multicultural too, which is funny when people call you racist, because you're like, I'm actually just talking about black people the way black people talk about black people, because I've been around black people for 25 years.
But you come to the suburbs and you go, oh, OK, they're just normal here, and there's not a lot going on, and they're pretty boring.
But that's that.
I get it.
There's no gays or junkies, much fewer blacks.
And then you start getting to know them and you go, oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no But the drugs are Xanax and Adderall.
People party.
People die.
And I'm in an affluent suburb where I don't, I haven't met one person who's not in finance.
But these guys in finance die.
They do coke in their basement with their kids upstairs and they break out a line and fucking croak.
And they drink a lot.
You go to a country club in the day and they are pounding back makers.
I tried to get into a country club around here and they haven't called me back.
I don't know how it ended because they were handing me so many fucking makers.
It was like Tom Collins or something with Maker's Mark.
I forget what the drink was, but it was like a new twist on an old drink.
And I have no idea how the night ended.
No idea.
I remember faintly dreaming of places I'd like to sleep.
You know that?
You know when you're that wasted and all you can think about is like, I could lie under a bush.
I could go to the bathroom and lie on the floor.
I could sneak down a hallway, lie under a couch, no one would see me there.
I could break into a car and sleep in the backseat.
You're just planning crash spots.
That's usually not a good last thing to remember, because you probably fell asleep somewhere terrible.
But I woke up and I had wet my suit, peed all over my Land Rover key, which cost me fucking 500 bucks to replace.
Why don't they make these things waterproof?
What if you pee them?
God, why is everything so sensitive to just a little splash of penis juice?
Um... But yeah, they're bizarre.
And they're also boring.
Like, at the local bar in the suburbs, the weather?
Oh my God.
That is an eagle of a conversation that soars out of the bar, into the heavens, and off to outer space.
It just goes and goes and goes.
Apparently, there's gonna be thunderstorms on Thursday.
Apparently, well, this is what I hear.
So Wednesday's gonna be really hot.
Like, it could get up to 80.
Some people are saying 90?
Then that's gonna break on Friday with thunderstorms.
And then it's gonna be pretty good on the weekend, pretty normal, maybe cloudy on Sunday.
Uh-huh.
Okay.
And then you think, that's boring, because that's just a click of my phone, which is in my hand at all times, like I'm a 14-year-old black girl.
But how could this conversation go farther?
You know what I think it is, too?
Someone else will pipe in.
It's the heat.
When it's been cool for a while, and it has been very cool this spring, and then you get hit with the heat, it seems a lot hotter.
And then everyone's like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I just want to, I go, wow, you have reached astrology levels of boring conversations.
And then you'll talk to that person and you'll go, what was going on with that guy?
Oh, he's, he's drunk.
His wife just got caught in an orgy.
An orgy with like five people from the country club.
In a way, they're kind of like white trash.
Like, there's that much infidelity, there's that much drugs, there's that- there's still ODs, there's still people getting caught, like, crashing their car.
Rich people are poor people.
So, they have- they still have a lot of boringness in them, like, middle-class stuff, but when you get the gossip up here in the burbs, it turns your hair white.
It's stunning what goes on.
There's also a weird thing out here in the burbs that I'm not familiar with.
The blue-collar liberal.
Back in Brooklyn, we had a weird thing.
The blue-collar junkie.
And it was just Archie Bunker coming home.
He's got his name on his shirt.
He's got his tool bag.
He's an electrician.
And he comes home.
He likes to watch the game.
He's a Yankees man.
He respects the Mets, weirdly enough.
And he loves Citi Field.
But obviously, he's from the Bronx.
He's gotta be Yankees.
And he does a little bumper smack.
And then he has a beer.
Pardon me?
What?
Wait, what?
Oh, he does smack.
I mean, he was in New York in the 80s, so he does heroin.
There's lots of Archie Bunker junkies in East New York.
White guys.
That look exactly like Archie Bunker.
And will just not shoot it.
They're not crazy.
But they'll do a little toot.
Just a little toot-a-smack.
You know, then go maybe to the local bar.
Hope I don't fall asleep on the bar.
Because I did too many bumps.
So just as weird to me, though they're not drug addicts, is these blue collar guys who like work at the docks, they work on the boats or something, you know, like some rich guy's yacht, they will polish it up or something or fix the motor.
And, uh, they still have that same accent, that New York accent.
And I'll tell you what, man, this fuckin' Trump, holy shit.
If he was here right now, I'd fuckin' t- I got a .45 revolver, it's illegal.
But I'd just fuckin' shoot him in the head.
I'd fuckin' kill him right now.
Here's a quote I heard at my local bar.
White haired dude, ratty jeans on, work boots, paint splattered on them.
Fishing jacket, like a raincoat that's all worn out.
It's like from the 80s when they didn't have any cool Gore-Tex technology.
It's just like a rubber coat, a yellow rubber coat that stops the rain.
Basically the same technology we had in the 1800s.
And he said, tell you what, I wish, you know what we need?
We need, and they're educated too, we need a fucking giant rain that comes and it just washes the Mississippi, goes out, I don't even know where the Mississippi drains, is it the Atlantic?
The what?
Gulf of Mexico.
Yeah, that's what he said.
He said, all the Midwest, all those fucking flyover cities, fuck them all.
They go down in the, get washed out in the Mississippi, right out to the Gulf of Mexico.
Let's lose them, all we need is the coastal towns.
Does that sound bizarre in that accent?
All we need is fuckin' San Francisco!
L.A.! !
New York, Boston, fuckin'... Some nice, real coffee, too.
Some nice coffee shops.
You go see a play with your boys.
You go see maybe a fuckin' musical in Times Square.
None of these fuckin' Midwest fags.
Just fuckin', like, upper-class people wear top hats and monocles, sittin' down, fuckin' on their yachts, readin' The New Yorker, playin' golf.
You know, real Americans.
Like me.
What?
What are you?
I bet one of them a beer that Hillary would, uh, lose.
He's like, I'll tell you what, I'll fucking give you, and I'm not good with, you know, the electoral details, but it was something like nine points.
Not only is she gonna win, these are all different people I'm talking about, by the way.
You think I'm talking about one freak who was brainwashed?
No, I'm talking about a demographic.
It's a group.
Like, if you go to White Plains, New York, there's a great record store, uh, up in the, in, uh, in the burbs up here called Clockwork Records, and it's punk stuff.
It's run by a cop.
An ex-cop who was into the punk scene.
He's not one of them.
He's cool.
But that neighborhood it's in... Can you look up the city Clockwork Records is in?
That neighborhood it's in is all these dudes who... Hastings on Hudson.
It's not a fancy place.
I mean, there are rich people there, of course.
But it's kind of blue collar.
And it's just dudes with fucking jean jackets.
And then you'll notice the guy's white hair.
He's bald.
But he'll have a little ponytail.
And then he gets in his truck, where he loads up his crap, his tools and stuff, and there's an Obama sticker on it.
Or a, I'm with Hillary!
And it's ex-hippies from Manhattan who lived in the Lower East Side and smoked pot and free love and Robert Crumb and Lou Reed and all that stuff.
They've gotten old, and they've gotten blue-collar jobs, but they still are that person.
It is a weird group because I come up here and I'm with the Richies who wear the Hillary hats and I think I'm going to take a break from the left here.
They're getting pedantic.
I'm going to go to some shithole dive bar and I go in the dive bar and it's old men and there they are loving Hillary.
It's sort of like the last episode I was telling you about the blue collar homos in the West Village who were just like God.
After a day like today, I want a fucking butt and a cock.
That's what I need right now.
Just a good... Something like... Hispanic man, maybe 21 years old, get reamed up to poop shoot, then fucking come down here and watch the game.
That's my idea of a good Friday.
Maybe I like that.
Maybe that's my thing.
It's like I like being in incongruous areas.
Maybe it's because as an immigrant, I came to Canada when I was five and I was already an English kid with Scottish parents.
My parents were already sort of freaks.
And then I moved to Canada with my weird accent.
Got that pounded on me.
That was weird.
I'm a freak.
And then I moved to Quebec where I was English.
Which, Americans don't understand this.
It's not quite apartheid, but you are a second-class citizen if you're English in Quebec.
You can't get a job.
Speaking English loudly on the street in certain areas and at certain times, especially after the referendum, is audacious.
I wasn't scared to do it, but it's like being like a loud black group sort of dressed hip-hop at a very expensive golf course.
Like you're aware of your surroundings, you look weird to people.
By the way, those women who had the cops called on them at the golf club, they were not arrested for playing golf too slow.
They were playing golf too slow, they were asked to leave, then they got crazy, and the guy eventually had to call the cops because he didn't want to get sued.
You don't get arrested for going slow on the golf course.
But yeah, I think I like being in weird situations.
I'm never really comfortable.
Like, when I hang out with cops and real bonafide tough guys, I'm like their weak friend who can't throw hands.
Like, that's no problem that you can't fight.
I can fight.
Well, look, you can't fight, but that's fine.
I wish I was you.
I wish I didn't know how to fight so good.
Then when I'm with erudite rich people, I'm like the white trash guy with tattoos who's too violent and suggests we beat the shit out of this coach who keeps yelling at the kids.
Um... When I'm with young people, I'm fucking old.
When I'm with old people, I'm young.
I think that's healthy, though.
It's exercise.
You know, there should be some resistance.
We went to this... My wife got invited to a softball game the other day.
Yesterday, to be specific.
And I said, uh, I'll come!
And I thought I was being fun, like, I'll come.
I want to be part of your life and I don't want to, you know, I want to assimilate to the people here in the suburbs.
But it was more like, I don't know if you've watched Real Housewives, but the British guy with his doggy Pikachu.
Now, I'm sorry for knowing about this, but in order to get laid a lot, and I have a very voracious sexual appetite because I don't watch porn, so I'm always courting my wife 24 hours a day.
I'm like a teen.
Which, by the way, sorry to go off on a tangent, but that's what I find so crazy about all these stories.
These wives will talk about, not just to my wife, but to me, about how their husbands won't fuck them.
And how they'll dress up in lingerie, and he avoids them, and I haven't had sex in a year.
I heard about this one woman, she told me she's divorced now, but her husband would schedule cunnilingus.
Saturdays.
Saturdays, he reluctantly conceded we could do 11 o'clock on Saturdays.
How's that?
And I go, uh, if you have to pencil that in, and it's not constantly at the top of your yes please list, you're gay.
So this gay man was conceding.
And I don't think that's that uncommon.
I think gay guys in finance, this is just a guess by the way, I have no idea what I'm talking about.
I think gay guys in finance, it's good for their portfolio, it's good for clients to see that you're a married man and you go to the country club and you play golf and someone feels safe giving you, because that's what you're doing, you're entrusting a stranger with, in this neighborhood, like 10 million dollars.
So they want to make sure he's not gay.
He might go spend it on dick sucking or something.
So I think a lot of them reluctantly marry.
And the divorce is totally rampant.
And then, by the way, another thing I'm noticing is the divorce regret when they realize they don't have their kids and there's some other dad with their kids and they've got step-sons and then they start wanting custody and it just becomes a complete mess.
I think our attitude with divorce is very flippant in modern society and we just go, oh, you farted?
Kick him out.
You don't need to smell farts in your bedroom.
Divorce him.
Get your own.
He'll have to pay you alimony.
You can get your own bed.
Big, king-sized, tempur-pedic.
Then they do that because all their friends tell them to.
Especially women, by the way.
70% of divorces are instituted by women.
And then they do it all and they go, uh, I miss my kids.
This sucks.
I hate that a stranger's taking my son to baseball.
I hate seeing him at baseball.
That must be a trip.
People always say to me, could you be friends with someone that marries your wife if you got divorced?
And I go, why would I be friends with two people at the bottom of the East River?
Am I going to get a scuba license?
What are we going to talk about down there?
What am I, Nemo?
What am I going to... I have nothing to talk about, people that are underwater.
That's a prejudice of mine.
I'm very pro-oxygen.
I only like surface dwellers.
Sorry.
And then they realize it is a big deal.
And I think there's a few things driving divorce, and it's never what you think.
One is the flippant attitude towards divorce.
Really bad news.
It's a big fucking deal.
It's sort of like a cesarean.
People think, oh, you just cut the baby at the top.
No, no.
The baby's at the back.
You gotta cut the stomach out, pull out all the entrails and organs, and they're all sitting there like a gutted deer.
Then you get the baby, then you have to put all that shit back.
It hurts.
Takes a long time to recover from that major operation.
So divorce is a major operation.
Secondly, I think there's a lot of homos.
It's funny because I move to the suburbs and I go, there's no gays here.
Because no one talks about gays and I'm realizing, yeah, there are gays.
You're ex-husband.
Third, I think porn is a major problem.
Porn is an issue with all marriage because one of the reasons women are still single now is because when you give the milk away for free, no one wants to buy the cow.
And New York City, for example, is just a fucking cattle field.
Free cows!
Get on your phone!
BJ's in an hour!
She'll leave immediately after!
Free cows!
Free milk, I should say.
Sorry, I fucked up that analogy.
So these women, no one puts a ring on it.
And I think another part of that, sorry, is pornography.
They're not enthusiastic.
You don't want to come over for Netflix and chill?
Fine, I'll just beat off.
I'll fuck a hundred tens.
We're in a bit of a mess here.
With society, and it's... I think a lot of it stems from the destruction of Christianity.
I mean, I grew up atheist, but I always knew, I have a hunch Christianity's important.
But then they started hacking away at it, and I didn't care, I had no skin in the game.
And now I'm seeing it get destroyed, and I go, I don't think you should have messed with that, dudes.
You touched the fuse box, and now the whole house has no power.
You fucked up.
How long have we been going here?
Do you have any idea?
Okay good, because I want to tell the story about the baseball.
So I show up at the baseball.
I'm trying to assimilate and I know about Real Housewives of Beverly Hills because I watch it because I'm trying to get in my wife's pants.
And the way you do that is you watch a show with them.
That's foreplay when you're married.
You're not going to give her a massage.
candlelight and walk in wearing leather pants.
That's not gonna work.
So you just wanna make them feel comfortable around you for a large chunk of time, lying in bed with you, and then you can make the moves.
And a great way to do that is their shows, Get them some wine.
Agree.
And then you get Stockholm Syndrome, as I've mentioned before, and you end up watching the show.
I watched the show when I was hungover when she was out of town at her mother's with the kids.
I watched the show for about four hours.
You know those hangovers where you have AIDS and it's so painful it's interesting?
It was one of those.
and I just lay in bed with, like, one sock on and a blazer, eating spaghetti when I could get it past my lips and just watching Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.
And there's this one guy, this British guy.
Hello, Pikachu.
There's this woman who has a restaurant.
No joke.
It's called Sexy Unique Restaurant, sir.
She has her own spinoff with the restaurant.
And Lisa, I think...
Lisa Vanderpump, that's her name.
And her husband, I think he's an ex-soccer player.
He is obsessed with his stupid little Paris Hilton dogs.
And they have names like Rumpy Pumpy and Sex Monster and Pikachu.
And he's always carrying them.
They all died recently, by the way.
And it was very tragic.
He was beyond destroyed.
I mean, it looked like he had been hit in the face with a nuclear bomb.
He couldn't stop crying.
And he's not, he's not a fag.
He's like a, he's, I don't know if he's middle class, but he seems below middle class, like blue collar, not quite a soccer hooligan, but he's like a geyser who's just been neutered by this woman because he loves her so much and then falls in love with her stupid dogs out of boredom.
But he comes to their thing.
So that show, all reality TV right now, all of Bravo, Andy Cohen is Satan, by the way, and all of Bravo is women hungry for fame because they've been sort of fucked with by society telling them that they need to be stars.
Feminism, I guess, has done that.
They're incapable of being humble anymore.
And so, they're drunk with lust to be famous, for some bizarre reason.
So they get out there, look at me, and then these gay producers and assistants and line producers and directors and people working on the show, they get on their shoulders like little Rasputins.
And they go, she called you a bitch.
Are you gonna take that?
You should say something to the camera about her calling you a bitch.
And then they ply them with wine.
It's ironic, I'm plying my wife with wine, and we're watching gays ply women with wine.
I'm trying to get laid, they're trying to get drama.
And these women get annihilated, and they start fighting, and their marriages all fall apart.
Suicides abound.
Jail abounds.
The Real Housewives of New Jersey, the chick went to fucking jail.
They all seem to get divorced.
It's terrible.
It's a shitshow.
There's only like one sane one, the one on New York Housewives whose husband died.
Anyway, I can't believe I'm going on such a tangent with this.
But this guy, the Pikachu guy, Lisa Vanderpump will go to go get abused by gays and ruin all our friendships, and he'll come along.
And I'm watching the show going, dude, put Pikachu down and go home.
What are you doing here?
It's a chick's thing.
So I did that yesterday.
I was Pikachu.
And I have this problem where I know I told you I'm never a part of the group.
I'm always a freak, no matter what the group is.
The group could be all freaks, and I'd be the freak for being too normal.
And so, but, despite being told this by experience on a daily basis, I always think I'm about to show up at my gang.
I guess the Proud Boys is one of those few exceptions.
Although I'm the guy who founded it, so I am kind of weird in that situation.
But, I get invited to softball, or I say I'll come, and I assume it's gonna be like Animal House.
I thought this about college, too.
Did you guys think this?
I thought I'd go into college, I'd say goodbye to the Niedermeyer frat, and I'd go right over to John Belushi, and we would start drinking and throwing beers at the other guys who want to join, and we'd build a deathmobile and crash it into the mayor.
That's just how it's going to be.
Then I get there, and it's all losers.
It's all nerds.
They all live at home.
I was one of the only guys in my college who had moved out.
So they would just take the bus from their mommy's house to college, Eat at the cafeteria and go home.
That's called high school, guys.
What are you doing here?
There was no frats.
Well, there was frats, but they were all normal.
And there was like sports and no one, there was no cohesion, there was no rivalry, there was no school thing.
I mean, I went to one of the worst schools in Canada, Carleton University.
But I also went to Concordia and it was the same thing, although it's a shit school also.
But anyway, there was no Animal House.
I was naive to think that.
And by the way, Animal House is a fictional story that Doug Chet, the guy who played Stork, he wrote it.
It's an amalgam of about 20 guys who are all the funniest, craziest guys in at National Lampoon, Harvard Lampoon, them all telling the craziest stories they ever heard about college from all their friends.
So say each guy knows about 20 people.
It's 400 different college experiences.
amalgamated into one over the top thing.
So no one went to Animal House, obviously.
They drove a deathmobile into the bleachers.
So I show up there and I have on a Trump hat, but instead of Make America Great Again, it says, "Don't let me do shots or coke." I have a Trump t-shirt I've worn on my show many times.
It has Trump on a cell phone in the 80s, so it's a giant cell phone, and it just says 1-800-Make-America-Great-Again.
And the entire shirt is a print of his face.
His face is like 10 times bigger than his actual face on the shirt.
And then I'm wearing jean short shorts that are ripped to shreds, because that's funny.
Noah Cindergaard picture socks that have his face on them that go up to my knees.
And then Chuck Taylor's low-cut whites.
And then I have my son's Star Wars lunchbox full of buds.
And I thought everyone would be like that.
And we would party and cheat and stuff.
Like when you play, when we would play sports in Canada with our friends, like soccer, we would be punching each other in the head, tackling each other, whipping the ball out of the, onto the freeway.
When we went skiing, we would just ram into each other.
We called it Chinese downhill from some movie.
And, and, and like, you just, you'd see some guy 50 feet away and you just zero in on him and knock him so hard.
His skis would be like 50 feet from where you hit him.
So I thought it'd be like that, we whipping up all each other's heads, and cheating, and yelling at the ump, and throwing beer at each other, and blaring music, blaring the Kingsman's Louie Louie.
And I get there, and it's 26 year olds.
Great people.
I don't have a problem with them.
Millennials.
One of them recognized me and said he's a fan.
So I'm in their good books now.
It's his birthday.
He seems to be one of the leaders of the group.
But the woman who organized it, she likes going to this restaurant and she said to the staff, she's closer to my age, right?
I think she's, you know, 35 or something.
She said to the staff, I'll start a baseball league.
I'll pay for the shirts and I'll be the coach and I'll run it.
And they go, sure.
I love baseball.
I love softball.
So she was old for them.
I am 47.
I'm 10 years older than her.
And I'm sitting there drinking my Star Wars beer.
I showed up to the first lady.
She's about 26.
You know, those short girls that have hair down to their ass and it's their hair is like their main thing.
It's like having a big cock or something.
Sometimes it's in a bun.
Sometimes it's down.
It's like they use it and they should, by the way, it's effective.
But she just looks at me with this look of abject horror on her face.
What?
Who is?
Why is Wilford Brimley on a hunger strike?
And why is he dressed up like a rodeo clown at my softball game?
What are you doing here, you turtle rubbed on the floor of a barbershop with glasses on?
Get out of my face!
God damn it!
So I'm trying to blend in, playing with him, and I'm just like, I do not belong here.
And sometimes, you know, you can make it work.
Like if, I've never hung out with Hells Angels, but I've hung out with bikers, and I feel like I could, the Hells Angels wouldn't like me at first, they'd think I'm a pussy.
But I feel like I could get in there in like 10 minutes, I'd do a few good gross jokes.
And it would be funny.
Sort of like Tracy Morgan and his new show on TruTV, The Last O.G.
Oh, that's what I was looking up when I went to Big Bang Theory, The Last O.G.
It's a pretty good show.
I give it a B plus.
But he, everyone thinks he's a freak because he's been away for 15 years.
Then he says a few jokes and he's in.
That's usually how it goes with the G-Dog.
But it wasn't going here and I just ended up looking up local bars, seeing where I could go.
But I played with them and it went okay.
And the takeaway here is, you gotta improve yourself.
That's what matters.
Take cold showers.
Join my beer starvation diet, where you only eat dinner every day, and if you start getting hunger pains or grumpy, you have a beer.
You end up drinking a lot more beer, but beer doesn't get you drunk.
If beer gets you drunk in America, you have a problem.
Um, but yeah, you lose weight, you get in shape.
We all need to get off our fucking phones.
When you get home, put them in a bucket or something.
I would suggest a lockbox.
It's worked great for us.
Although still, they'll find my wife's phone and all.
So I have to disband my wife to put her own phone away.
I think we should though.
You might miss a few texts.
Well, you can intermittently go up and check it.
And as far as other people appreciating you and you being popular, it's not gonna happen, buddy.
Sorry.
I'm talking to me and you at the same time.
You just gotta be you.
Like, when I showed up at that softball game, I didn't feel bad.
It's not like I... Oh, everyone was wearing black, by the way.
No one told me that minor detail.
The team, they didn't have their t-shirts yet, so they're supposed to be in black.
So I am blinding.
I look like a 90s hipster.
Like those guys that went, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot.
You know those guys?
It's like Quincy Jones' son.
I looked like that when 90s hipsters would wear blue, like orange skinny jeans and a death metal t-shirt with purple Ray-Ban frames.
I was dressed in that era and they were dressed in black.
It looked like a prank, actually.
But I didn't feel bad.
I thought it was funny.
And if you have a problem with Trump, you can go fuck yourself.
I feel like a lot of marriage, too, as far as socializing, is husbands saying to their wives who are uncomfortable about going to a dinner party or going to meet new people or going to a housewarming, honey, if they hate us, they can go fuck themselves.
We haven't done anything wrong.
We're not pedophiles.
We don't advocate for genocide.
We're not members of the American Nazi Party.
So we're not even Jehovah's Witnesses.
We're not remotely weird when it comes to bonafide weird traits.
So just enjoy yourself.
Walk in like Rodney Dangerfield in Caddyshack and say, Hey, what's up?
Oh, someone stepped on a duck.
It revel in their hatred like Roger Stone does.
Enjoy it!
That's- other countries have to worry about class.
Like Britain has to worry about, hello, hello.
You want to have this accent, please.
We don't have to do that.
We built a culture, and when I say a culture, I mean all the entire Western world, of fuck them if they can't take a joke.
Yet recently we've been sitting here worrying about jokes.
Worrying about how we're interpreted.
Worrying about someone taking something out of context.
That is a total and utter waste of time.
America, love it or leave it.
And then as far as you go, love me or leave me.
Take it or lump it.
You gotta take the crunchy with the smooth, I suppose, as Billy Bragg says.
And the idea of tiptoeing around people, it chips away at your soul and gives you cancer.
It's not healthy.
It's a lot more fun to just be a complete and total fucking asshole.
Thank you for tuning in, folks.
We have four shows of Get Off My Lawn this week.
Then, CRTV Tonight is the following week.
Working on some guests for that.
I'm not sure how much I should give away.
I'll save it.
I'll save some of these secrets, but it'll be a fun show.
And tonight on Get Off My Lawn, we've got a jam-packed show with Ram Rantz, Michael J. Knowles, and a woman who wrote an amazing article about how being childless ain't all it's cracked up to be, Melanie Notkin, a fellow Montrealer who now lives in New York.
