In this sizzling hot episode, I gossip about my eight years at Fox News and dish all the gossip while naming names. The short version is that it’s a great place to work with very moral people but their hiring practices are a little too PC for a straight, white male like myself. The long version is, well, the long version is this podcast.
| Time | Text |
|---|---|
| I didn't really quit Fox News. | |
| Fox News quit me. | |
| I like to say I quit Fox News. | |
| It sounds better. | |
| It's more face-saving. | |
| But that's sort of like courting a model for eight years and never really sleeping with her and then going, you're dumped. | |
| You're in the friend zone, as David Chang would say. | |
| It's a cool place to quote-unquote work, but I don't really miss it. | |
| I mean, the structure of being a regular guest on that network is you come in hours early, you get makeup. | |
| Actually, let me just go off on a tangent already. | |
| Makeup is gay. | |
| I remember I was doing Red Eye with Clint Black. | |
| I'm going to be naming a lot of names in this. | |
| A lot of gossip about to go down. | |
| And he's a cowboy, and he sat down and they go, can you do, do you want to do makeup, Clint? | |
| He goes, no, thank you. | |
| I don't, men don't wear makeup. | |
| And I thought, God, what a fag I am. | |
| Why didn't I say that? | |
| Why did I just sit there in the makeup, literally in the makeup chair, and get my foundation put on? | |
| By the way, the story about me, uh, uh, Kimberly Guilfoyle catching me, uh, wiping my ass, that's in another podcast. | |
| I think it's Celebrity Encounters. | |
| I'm not repeating that story. | |
| I don't think I'll ever repeat that story. | |
| It's been done. | |
| But I think, this is my theory, right? | |
| I think That the whole concept of makeup on TV comes from the 80s, when you had these blinding lights that made you sweat. | |
| Now, if you watch my show, Get Off My Lawn on CRTV.com, you'll notice I'm never gleaning. | |
| Gleaming? | |
| I'm never shiny. | |
| That's because Sony has figured out how to soften the light. | |
| So when it gets, just like iPhones, it was funny when we went to spring training in Port St. | |
| Lucie, they said, sorry, no cameras. | |
| And then I started doing interviews just with my iPhone and my earbuds. | |
| And we get back to the studio and the sound quality is perfect. | |
| So the only difference between a $3,000 camera and an $800 lav is you see a white cord coming from one person's ear. | |
| I'm sure you could do that, you know, with a remote, a wireless earbud. | |
| Next thing you know, you don't need permission to take a camera. | |
| Don't take a camera. | |
| Waste too much. | |
| It's a pain in the ass. | |
| Anyway, so... | |
| It's just a given at networks that you need makeup. | |
| In fact, I'm sure when they map out the building, they say, all right, this is where the interviews will be. | |
| This is the green room. | |
| And of course, we'll need a third of our space for 15 makeup chairs. | |
| Like at the Hannity studio on the, I think it's the second floor. | |
| There must be 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. | |
| There must be 10 makeup chairs. | |
| Everyone's in there just assuming that it's true. | |
| But I'm watching the episode, the red eye episode with Clint Black. | |
| He looks fine. | |
| He's not shiny. | |
| So their whole job is a lie. | |
| And so I started refusing makeup. | |
| And I think that developed animosity between me and the makeup ladies because I was threatening their vocation. | |
| I was threatening their very existence. | |
| In Michelle Malkin's brilliant book, Who Built That? | |
| It's probably my favorite book. | |
| No, it's not my favorite book. | |
| Death of the West is my favorite book, but it's up there. | |
| I highly recommend it. | |
| It's non-partisan, non-political. | |
| It's just about entrepreneurs from the beginning of time till now. | |
| That's it. | |
| How'd these glasses get made? | |
| How'd this mug get made? | |
| How'd this microphone get made? | |
| Who discovered it? | |
| She just breaks it all down. | |
| And one interesting thing about the book is she's talking about the evolution of glass. | |
| From the Venetians first figuring out- It's a real bitch to figure out, by the way. | |
| Now it's much easier. | |
| Now you just drop a bunch of bombs on the Middle East, you turn the entire- that entire part of the world to glass, and then just go and pick up shards, you know, and remelt it. | |
| But back then, they couldn't, I mean, the idea of shaping it and being able to see through it, very complex, as you can imagine. | |
| Go try to make it yourself. | |
| And to make like a bottle, there was about 15 people. | |
| And a lot of them were kids, because history sucks. | |
| And there was like, the turning boy, and the whistle boy, and the blow boy, that would suck to be called a blow boy. | |
| And eventually as they came up with innovations throughout time, and this is true of all industries, but as they came up with innovations throughout time, they'd say, we don't need blow boys anymore. | |
| We'll just have this blowing machine. | |
| So the head of the blow boys would blow up, because he's a blower, he'd blow up good. | |
| He'd blow up that entrepreneur's workshop, his studio. | |
| Um, because that guy was eradicating an entire profession. | |
| So people did not go softly into that good night. | |
| You think, you have this sort of bourgeois view of history where you go, every time there was an innovation, it was like the iPhone and everyone clapped and said, thank you, daddy. | |
| You've improved my life. | |
| No, they were pissed. | |
| You just got rid of their job. | |
| And, you know, you can get away with violence more back then, so they would blow up studios, beat the living shit out of the guy. | |
| So anyway, I was that guy. | |
| I was the blow machine at Fox News. | |
| This is just one little minor tangent. | |
| It's not like this was my entire career there. | |
| Career. | |
| So, I've sense. | |
| And I used to get along with the girls great. | |
| I love goofing with the gals. | |
| Sometimes, you know, at soccer matches and little league games, I'm with the moms so much that it looks weird, so I have to go over to the guys. | |
| But, um, I stopped goofing with the gals because the gals were putting tons of makeup on me. | |
| It looked ridiculous. | |
| And also, by the way, one weird thing about TV is you go for beers after. | |
| And it's just like Greg Gutfeld, Bill Schultz, me, just hanging out, just slamming back pints at a St. | |
| Andrews Scottish pub, just caked in makeup. | |
| Just like flakes of foundation falling off your face. | |
| Your mascara streaming down if you watch a video where a marine surprises his daughter after being away for eight months. | |
| Yeah, your gorgeous plump lips. | |
| Your bee-stung lips. | |
| Red as crimson. | |
| Rubbing off on your pint glass. | |
| Oops! | |
| Got some of my lipstick grease on my cup. | |
| It looks stupid. | |
| So, uh, I stopped doing it, and I looked- you could not- you- if you go through all my appearances, which I'm sure you will after this episode and spend eight hours doing it, but you can't tell when I don't have makeup on. | |
| In other words, their jobs are redundant. | |
| I'm kind of obsessed with redundant jobs, by the way. | |
| Like, on the train, when they come and punch my ticket. | |
| What is this, 1860? | |
| They don't punch my ticket on the subway in New York, so when I go to the suburbs, why do they punch my ticket? | |
| Or, why is there a conductor for the Shuttle Express that goes from Grand Central to Times Square? | |
| You can have sensors on the front that can sense a person on the tracks, and then you just, brrr, stop. | |
| It's just a beeline, back and forth, back and forth, all day. | |
| Why is there a human there? | |
| Fucking unions. | |
| So anyway, I realize this job is redundant. | |
| And I think word gets out, and I could sense, you know, that they wanted to kill the blowboy. | |
| So, this leaks out to the other ladies, by the way. | |
| Like, say there's a sound chick, which is very rare. | |
| No, I think this was a makeup chick. | |
| Sorry, forget that tangent. | |
| Um, sound guys are always male. | |
| And I was doing, uh, I think it was The Independents. | |
| That's Kennedy's old show when she had Matt Walsh, who the New York Post described as a dud. | |
| And now every time I see him, I call him a dud. | |
| Actually, that's not true. | |
| I'm not speaking to him anymore because he, he, uh, his magazine Reason Linked the Proud Boys to Charlottesville and said we were there and I said to Nick Gillespie and him if you guys don't fix this right now I'm never speaking to you again. | |
| They said slow down we have to verify and I said well fuck you bye. | |
| I haven't spoken them since. | |
| That's the Scottish way. | |
| If someone doesn't take you for your word or you are seemingly betrayed you just you ghost them forever. | |
| Which sucks because I like those guys. | |
| Sometimes it's a curse. | |
| Sometimes what you do is Some girl will fuck over your friend and then she's dead to you? | |
| This happened with Soroush Alvi advice. | |
| And then he made up with her. | |
| But I'm still, like, I can't make up with her. | |
| So he would have, like, dinner parties and stuff and I couldn't go because I exed his girlfriend because she hurt him. | |
| Anyway, this is a hell of a tangent. | |
| So, uh, uh, I'm at the studio doing The Independence, and I would do this dumb joke. | |
| There's some- I did a whole episode of this on, like, staple jokes that always do well. | |
| For some reason, this joke always does well. | |
| When I'm getting mic'd up, they put- it's kind of an uncomfortable thing, because they're putting a microphone up the bottom of your shirt, and it's very intimate, and they're about an inch from your face. | |
| So to break the ice, I'll often say, Oh my- whoa, whoa, that thing's freezing! | |
| And it gets a laugh. | |
| Every single time. | |
| Especially because I'm real dramatic and I scare the person I sort of do like a Kramer head bop and they go Jesus That's also funny by the way when you're getting makeup and you have your eyes closed and they're they're really close to your face and then you just break the sounds with like are you gonna be going to a Just, like, break into a loud conversation. | |
| Always scares the shit out of them. | |
| That's, by the way, a key to scaring people. | |
| Don't say, boo. | |
| If you're hiding in a closet, and you want to, and someone, you're in someone's house, and you want to scare the living shit out of them, don't just, when they open the door, go, boo. | |
| You gotta come bounding out of the closet, talking. | |
| Like, are we gonna be getting there on Thursday? | |
| And you can't walk towards them, because then they have no file in their brain for what the fuck is happening. | |
| Like one time I was sleeping in my bed in my apartment in Williamsburg, and at 4am there's a knock on my bedroom door! | |
| And it was one of the freakiest experiences of my life because there's no file for that. | |
| I'm going through my filing cabinet and I have knock on front door, I have criminal break in, but knocking on bedroom door, the file is empty. | |
| The manila folder has nothing in it. | |
| I'm sitting there going, wait, is this a polite burglar? | |
| Or is this the world's worst salesman? | |
| He like breaks into your house and then tries to sell you insurance? | |
| Hi. | |
| Is this a bad time? | |
| Yeah, it's a bad time. | |
| It's four in the morning. | |
| I'm nude. | |
| But it was my daughter's friend. | |
| She was having a sleepover and the girl wasn't used to sleepovers. | |
| This was years ago. | |
| So they were all like 7, 8, 6. | |
| And she couldn't sleep. | |
| So she came over and she didn't want to bound into our bedroom. | |
| So she knocked first and then I opened the door and she goes, I can't sleep. | |
| Thank God I didn't have a boner. | |
| So, um, I'm doing the cold laugh joke. | |
| A lavalier is, you know, that little mic you clip on your shirt. | |
| And everyone laughs. | |
| And I may have had a beer or two. | |
| And, uh, Because it's boring. | |
| I mean, they get you there like three hours early. | |
| You do a show and the total time you talk, like I'm going to talk for 45 minutes, the total time you talk on a Fox News show is like three minutes. | |
| So it swallows six hours of your day for three minutes. | |
| And you go, can I be a contributor please and get a regular paycheck? | |
| And they go, Uh, you're not gay like Guy Benson. | |
| So we're gonna... Or you're not gorgeous like Joanne Nosoczynski. | |
| So you're an ugly white male who's really entertaining and cool. | |
| So you're gonna go at the bottom of the list. | |
| That's right. | |
| That's right. | |
| I just said Fox News is too politically correct. | |
| I cannot tell you how many women, gays, and African-American people of color soared past me at Fox News. | |
| Especially Joanna Nosichinsky. | |
| She got my job at Red Eye because she's pretty and I'd rather look at her than me, to be honest, so I get it. | |
| But she's not political. | |
| In fact, she quit because she thought, I'm not a Fox News person. | |
| So she didn't really want the job, but she got it like that and Guy Benson is smart as shit. | |
| I'm not denying him that But it is he's kind of snobby and he sees me I got the vibe when I would see him I'd be telling dirty jokes and stuff and I got the vibe he has this like, oh lord, how base and This is my own bias, but don't you think that gays don't have the right to be snobs? | |
| I mean you can be snobs as far as I go to the best clubs, but as far as being like you hate people who are crude, you're gay. | |
| You have like 10 dicks in your face on a regular basis. | |
| My craziest sex act, which if I'm lucky I get once a year, that's your most boring sex act. | |
| That's like you if you're not in the mood. | |
| For me, that's like it's the 4th of July, I won the lottery, and I just had a facelift. | |
| That's why my wife would really want me if I just got a Mickey Rourke lip injections. | |
| So, and I have no problem with that, okay, you're a sexual decadent, but to sort of look down at us for swearing or, you know, drinking a beer in the green room? | |
| Dude, come on. | |
| You drank a cup of cum before you came here. | |
| You can't really scoff at me. | |
| And here's the other thing that few people admit. | |
| When they're talking to their gay friends, unless they're total fag-hags, in the back of your head, as a straight man, you're like, God, I thought it was weird that I've had a few threesomes in my life. | |
| You have regular eightsomes. | |
| Your sex life is depraved. | |
| Now, you're not disgusted, but it's like talking to a porn star. | |
| Yeah, that's a good analogy. | |
| I talk to Mercedes Carrera all the time. | |
| We're friends. | |
| But, the back of my head is like, you're gonna go fuck ten black guys tonight. | |
| Anyway, this is Attention Olympics. | |
| I'm not even back to the beginning of this show, which is just about Fox News in general. | |
| And it's halfway over. | |
| So I'm doing the laugh joke. | |
| And I go, ooh, it's cold. | |
| And then I do something. | |
| This always wins. | |
| I say, at least my gynecologist warms up his forceps first. | |
| I often screw up that joke because I'm not sure what the exact tool is. | |
| Like, sometimes I say tongs. | |
| I don't really know what pries open the vagina. | |
| But I know, through goofing with the gals, that a common complaint is that his tools are too cold, and you have a freezing cold steel thing on your twat. | |
| I can imagine that's very invasive. | |
| So, uh, I say, at least my gynecologist won't- that always gets a hit, because girls go, oh, you know about our secret stuff. | |
| So everyone's laughing, and it's comfortable. | |
| Then I took it too far, and I said, I can feel my cunt lips crawling up into my body! | |
| That was a problem. | |
| I didn't know it was a problem because I still got laughs. | |
| And by the way, Kennedy is a raunchy, brassy broad. | |
| You should hear her penis jokes. | |
| She's always riffing. | |
| Not in a disgusting way like, I love your cock, but like penis Olympics, like funny stuff. | |
| She's like Eddie Murphy kind of humor. | |
| That's her generation, right? | |
| My generation. | |
| So, uh, I get told that I can't come into the office for, the building, for six months. | |
| And no one will tell me why. | |
| Now luckily I have spies. | |
| I know cameramen. | |
| I used to know makeup artists. | |
| I know everyone, all the producers, assistant producers, I know everyone there. | |
| So I get, I meet them at the bar and I get a few drinks with them. | |
| The Scotts, by the way, are brilliant at getting secrets out of people. | |
| Isa, from the show Still Game, which is a Glaswegian show, is the personification of this gift. | |
| And you'll see her on that Scottish sitcom. | |
| Someone will say, I can't tell you, Isa. | |
| And then she'll just pull up a chair and order a wee dram and say, all right, let's get started. | |
| And then by the end, the guy is drenched in sweat. | |
| And she's like, she should work at Guantanamo Bay. | |
| Alright, you're not going to tell us when the next attack's going to be. | |
| Let's get you a wee thing of hummus and some chickpeas and some wee pita breads. | |
| So I find out that there's been a letter of complaint lodged against me for saying cunt. | |
| And I even got the details of the complaint that went to HR and it said blah blah blah, working on the independence, makeup artist. | |
| That's a crucial detail. | |
| And then he said a word I've never typed before. | |
| But here goes. | |
| Quote. | |
| See. | |
| You. | |
| Next. | |
| Tuesday. | |
| End of quotes. | |
| Period. | |
| Return. | |
| What a phony. | |
| Come on. | |
| Was it that painful to type cunt? | |
| I bet my local priest could type cunt. | |
| Every sister in the sisterhood of the traveling pants can type cunt. | |
| Relax. | |
| But my subtle side theory is that she had a lawyer boyfriend and said we could get 250 grand out of this. | |
| And I think they could have. | |
| So what Fox has to do, and this, the top brass there at the time was Roger Ailes, Bill Shine was head of programming, Suzanne Scott was the VP of programming. | |
| Since Roger's gone, and Bill's gone, I think Suzanne's at the top. | |
| She's great, by the way. | |
| So they just look at it mathematically, and they go, we could get charged 250 grand, unless we come up with some kind of punishment. | |
| And then in a court of law, if she says, I was made to feel unsafe, that's the biggie, right? | |
| The judge goes, I don't want people feeling unsafe at work. | |
| So it's a good catch phrase. | |
| So if I was just to show up the next day on the same floor, then she could argue that she felt persecuted. | |
| Which, by the way, isn't that proof women shouldn't be in the workforce? | |
| If we have to tiptoe around jokes and bad words and put you on a certain floor and make sure this guy leaves the building? | |
| Like, what are you, a leper? | |
| The Elephant Man would be more conducive to the workplace than a woman. | |
| Hey guys, just wanted to say, I'm not an animal, I'm a human being. | |
| And yes, I had cranial dysplasia, not unlike Rocky Dennis in the movie Mask. | |
| But let's move on, okay? | |
| Let's get out of the way! | |
| I was complaining to a guy recently at Little League about how I feel like a freak at the beach because of my stupid tattoos, my giant back piece of a skull-headed jellyfish eating Chiang Kai-Shek and Fidel Castro. | |
| And I realize I'm talking to a man who has like an elephant trunk for an arm. | |
| He had some problem when he was, you know, when his mother was pregnant where the umbilical cord wrapped around the arm and the arm couldn't develop. | |
| So it's like an elephant trunk and then the other arm's normal. | |
| And he's like, you're telling me that you feel like a freak sometimes? | |
| Whoops! | |
| Slightly selfish. | |
| So what they do is they move her to another floor and a floor I'm never gonna be on and they've got to do all this like shifting after the six months to get me in there because I'm good for ratings but they don't want to say that she felt unsafe and I don't think she got any money and that was that was you know a typical story and that's that's Fox News being good people by the way they're not they didn't have a choice I heard about this other guy you know Harris Faulkner the black chick I don't like her at all | |
| She, I think she tried to sue a toy company who had a little like, you know, stupid dolly thing, little beanie baby type thing that looked like her and they called it the Harris or the Faulkner. | |
| She tried to sue them because she wants the money. | |
| Relax, lady, okay? | |
| I couldn't imagine suing someone because they had some mustachioed figurine and they called it the Gav. | |
| Hey, that's fucked up. | |
| I need my cut. | |
| I need my cut from your mustache toy. | |
| I heard there was some ex-military guy, probably, you know, watched his friend's face blow off in Iraq, and he really liked her as a friend. | |
| And being the gregarious type, he grabbed her and gave her a tight hug. | |
| Hey, Harris! | |
| And she complained to HR. | |
| This is what I've heard. | |
| This is just a rumor. | |
| And then he's told he can't come to the building ever again because she's complained and she's, you know, top brass. | |
| He was never told why. | |
| So he has to sit there wondering, that's what Chinese people do. | |
| That's Asia. | |
| In China, it's all about face and you never know why you were fired or why this person's mad at you. | |
| I hate that. | |
| I'm Scottish. | |
| Just tell me. | |
| I get that with guests all the time. | |
| I have a family emergency. | |
| I can't do it. | |
| I go, is it a tweet I said or did someone tell you not to be on my show? | |
| Like, just tell me the truth. | |
| I don't give a shit. | |
| I just want to know or else I'm going to keep asking you to be on the show. | |
| If for you to say, you make me very uncomfortable, good bye, fine, we're done. | |
| Thanks for not wasting my time with made up stories that I have to keep re-verifying. | |
| So I ended up, because I really wanted a contributorship there. | |
| At least it would make sense. | |
| Like there's lots of good things about being at Fox News. | |
| You, it sort of validates you. | |
| So they know you're not, uh, you're not a fringe person. | |
| If you're constantly in people's living room, that I guess helps. | |
| But after a while you just go, why are you hiring all these other people? | |
| Not me. | |
| Like the, the straw that broke my back was when Greg Gutfeld and I haven't spoken to him since. | |
| Again, the Scottish thing. | |
| Hired that fucking wrestler, Tyrus. | |
| That stupid grape ape who just sits there with his backwards baseball hat and his sweater vest just being the grump. | |
| And then Greg has this obsequious like, you're black and you're big and you can beat me up. | |
| And yeah, I'm a big tough guy. | |
| I remember seeing him and I thought, okay, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. | |
| Maybe he's interesting. | |
| Maybe he has something new to say. | |
| And by the way, half of these gorgeous women you see on in right wing television, Take some of them, not gonna name names, but just think of them and say, has this person ever had a new take? | |
| Like an angle I've never thought of. | |
| And the answer is usually no. | |
| It's just the same old rhetoric of, you know, liberals don't care and abortion's bad. | |
| It's just the same talking points on a loop. | |
| And you go, that's not why I watch TV. | |
| Like, you watch Tucker and you go, that's an interesting take. | |
| Maybe we should sue social media companies for corrupting our children and making them addicted. | |
| Now, I don't think they should be. | |
| I'm a libertarian, but I never thought of that before, and if you want to talk about quantifiable damage, social media and iPhones have done a lot of damage to our kids. | |
| I had to build a locked case in my house to keep their phones and all their crap. | |
| And by the way, I've been meaning to say this, it worked. | |
| There was a rocky week as the crackheads went through withdrawals. | |
| They were scratching their skin and grabbing me in the hallway and going, just one fix, man. | |
| I just gotta hold the iPad just for two seconds, man. | |
| Then they started doing a thing called a re-adding, which is where words are in a line and there's no pictures. | |
| And the words have phonetic sounds to them. | |
| And they put themselves together, a thing called a book. | |
| So they started re-adding books. | |
| And now, sometimes they don't even care. | |
| Like, my son had a friend over, and I could have been swayed to unlock the box to give him his PlayStation controllers. | |
| They weren't interested. | |
| They went outside and played. | |
| It worked. | |
| Anyway. | |
| That giant stupid wrestler with his hat. | |
| When people wear their baseball hats backwards and they have a logo on their forehead, you look stupider than Charles Manson with his swastika. | |
| You're advertising new era on your face. | |
| And so I just thought, all right, so Tyrus is getting hired before me. | |
| I'm out. | |
| And that's when I gave up on them. | |
| And then Greg said, well, what do you want me to do? | |
| Like, tell me who, who should, the implication was I caused trouble and he would get me hired, but then he'd be liable. | |
| And I thought, wait a minute, that was you. | |
| Andrew Breitbart came to Fox News and said, I know an editor at some stupid men's mag named Blender. | |
| I mean, worst pitch ever. | |
| And they loved Breitbart, so they went, all right, let's do it. | |
| And they took a chance on Greg, and obviously it was a great move. | |
| Very successful. | |
| One of the biggest guys there. | |
| I mean, who else has two shows? | |
| Two of the most successful shows. | |
| I mean, don't underestimate these people, by the way, when you go, whatever, Greg Gutfeld Show sucks, I'd never watch it. | |
| Gets like 1.7 million viewers. | |
| That is mental. | |
| A lot of left-wingers outside of Rachel Maddow, who's kicking ass with 3 million, a lot of these CNN shows are perfectly happy with 200,000. | |
| 1.7 million is to kick ass and take names. | |
| Um, but I realized when I saw that, that was like the 13th affirmative action hire above my head, and it was yet another person with absolutely no substance. | |
| I remember watching when Cumia was on once, and Anthony Cumia said a very reasonable statement, which is, Al Sharpton is the worst person who's ever been in the White House. | |
| I think that's, I'd love to hear who's worse. | |
| And, you know, Tyrus is left wing, and he has to defend anyone black, including people who exploit blacks, like Al Sharpton. | |
| So he gets all grumpy and pissy with Anthony, and I just thought, ugh, I'm done with this entire network. | |
| And I quit. | |
| But the reason I say it's like dumping a supermodel is because here, I've never told anyone this before, I did a weird, I did a weird Hail Mary move right when it was getting, it was eight years I was there, right when it was getting to the end. | |
| I lied. | |
| And I called up the top brass and I said, I just got an offer from the Blaze for a show. | |
| And I have to make up my mind within the next day. | |
| Total lie. | |
| The Blaze was not interested in the G. | |
| And I did get some back and forth, you know? | |
| And I've never done this before or since, I promise. | |
| But eight years, I had to do something. | |
| And so they're like, OK, we're going to get back to you in an hour. | |
| OK, we're going to call you back. | |
| And I go, we're running out of time. | |
| Fake deadline. | |
| And then they go, sorry, Blah Blah Blah's away on holiday. | |
| We called him at his resort. | |
| Can we do tomorrow morning? | |
| I'll see if the plays will extend their deadline, but I doubt it. | |
| Lying, lying, lying. | |
| And then it didn't pan out. | |
| And I thought, all right, well, if there's proof that they're never going to hire me, never going to give me a contributorship. | |
| So I knew when I gave up, I wasn't giving up. | |
| And then, by the way, NYU pepper sprayed me. | |
| The anti-FUD dudes pepper sprayed me at NYU. | |
| And I was the hot topic of the, you know, these news cycles last like a day and a half. | |
| So I had Tucker calling, Lou Dobbs, Hannah. | |
| Everyone wanted me back. | |
| And I said, no, I already, if you can get me some money, uh, this was in that way, that was a second Hail Mary. | |
| Cause I said, get me 10 bucks, any kind of check coming in. | |
| And, uh, I sh I sometimes I think I should have done it, but I had to be true to my word. | |
| I made a video that had a bridge burning at the end. | |
| Of course, now it would be good for my new job to be seen on there. | |
| But that's the problem with being Scottish. | |
| You tell people to fuck off and say, I'll never speak to you again. | |
| And then you get over it three years later and there's a different environment and you go, okay, I'm not mad at you anymore. | |
| And they go, well, actually now I'm mad at you. | |
| Okay. | |
| So I've forgiven you, but you're yet to forgive me. | |
| Okay. | |
| By the way, slightly off topic, Roger Ailes, I think it's a very interesting case of a woman in the workforce. | |
| I always poo-poo sexual harassment. | |
| I think if it's not in the law books, which is an unwanted sexual touch, actually technically an unwanted touch is in the law books, but you're not gonna get a court case out of punch buggy red. | |
| But like grabbing a vagina or something like that, that's something that you call the cops for. | |
| You gotta handle the whole idea of suing or shaming or using innuendo like with Cale Hartman a comedian friend of mine who was just had his career destroyed by a rumor with no and he would have loved to go to court but with no evidence nothing just a rumor and that was the end of his career in comedy and he was kicking ass and taking names by the way I haven't spoken to him in a while I think he's an alcoholic now and the woman who accused him got all this attention and now she's working with on that HBO show | |
| It's couch surfing, whatever it's called. | |
| So, Roger, like, all this, hey, Gretchen Carlson, for example, she got 20 million dollars because Roger said, you know, you would have been doing better if you'd slept with me. | |
| Do you know how many times we get that from homos here in the workforce? | |
| Do you know how many gays have said stuff like that to me? | |
| Do you know how long I spend in the shower with my arms wrapped around my knees crying? | |
| Zero seconds. | |
| Okay? | |
| When gays make inappropriate comments about my sex or even grab my ass, I go, okay, relax. | |
| Jesus. | |
| I think it's funny if they go, if a gay boss or even a gay client said to me, you know that the, this contract would be, um, you'd be making a lot more money if you'd let me blow you. | |
| I would say, well, That amount would have to be in the tens of billions before I'd let you blow me, George. | |
| And then I would laugh it off and maybe even go have a beer with him. | |
| I wouldn't go, I need 20 million dollars now. | |
| And that's what Gretchen Carlson got. | |
| That little boy who was at that treacherous water slide where he was decapitated. | |
| His head came off. | |
| Totally unthinkable. | |
| His family got $20 million. | |
| So Gretchen Carlson got $20 million. | |
| And I think, by the way, like the makeup artist that tried to screw me, figuratively, I think she had a rich lawyer boyfriend. | |
| And he said, you're going to be persona non grata in media, but it'll be worth it for $20 million. | |
| Let's go after him. | |
| And they did, and it worked. | |
| But the crazy part about that story is, I've talked to some reliable people, and they go, there actually was some pretty shady shit going on. | |
| I was told that he would have women sit on his lap and do vocal exercises to test their diaphragms. | |
| So he would put his hands up their shirt, hold on to their bare skin and say, all right, now just me, me, me, me, me. | |
| And they would allow it. | |
| Now where does that go in all of this? | |
| That is the most egregious touching I've heard in a long time. | |
| And I'm sexist, so I don't mind a slap on the ass. | |
| I don't mind, I don't think sexual harassment should be a thing. | |
| If you don't like your boss, quit. | |
| But, putting your hands up a co-worker's top when you're the boss, that's a pretty good argument for sexual harassment. | |
| That's pretty, pretty good. | |
| I remember I told Lauren Savant that, and she goes, oh this, I don't know if I think Roger Ailes guilty, he seems like a good guy, I've met him a few times, and I go, well I told him what I just told you, and she goes, yeah, I did that, vocal exercises. | |
| And I go, wow, Lauren, you're the only woman I've ever met who was sexually molested and didn't know. | |
| I guess that's an argument for for my side, like sexual harassment is a thing. | |
| She went on to become a big part of the Me Too movement because Harvey Weinstein beat off into a plant at a restaurant in front of her and she couldn't get out of the kitchen. | |
| But why didn't she charge him? | |
| We've been working on this phenomenon of creeps. | |
| Us men have been working against creepy men for millennia. | |
| It started with the Magna Carta. | |
| We're pretty good at it now. | |
| We're pretty good at sifting out liars. | |
| We want to see DNA. | |
| We got security cams. | |
| We can throw rapists in jail. | |
| Please. | |
| You know, you talk to a cop and he goes, I want to put rapists in jail. | |
| That's why I signed up. | |
| I want to get bad guys. | |
| And bad guys are murderers, thieves, and rapists, and pedophiles. | |
| So please come to me. | |
| I'm sitting here at my desk, ready to rock. | |
| So they shut down. | |
| I mean, in many ways, they shut down that whole network. | |
| I think. | |
| I heard, here's some more gossip I heard. | |
| So there's some sort of deal in media in Britain, where when you sell a media company, there can be no contentious enterprises. | |
| So say, you know, CRTV owned some sort of gay porn site, and you want to sell to a British company, they go, no, no, no, no, you're not including the gay porn site, get rid of that and we can talk. | |
| Now contentious is obviously, um, uh, open to debate. | |
| So Sky News and Fox News, I believe, and again, I'm an idiot. | |
| So most of the time my rumors are correct. | |
| They're often not, but, uh, that's what gossip is, right? | |
| So this is a gossip. | |
| So Sky News is worth something like $24 billion. | |
| And, uh, actually I can just look that up right now just so you can see how stupid I am or how smart I am. | |
| I'm gonna get an Alexa, by the way. | |
| I was just at my cousin's house in Chicago, and it's really cool. | |
| I don't care if they record me. | |
| How much is Sky News worth? | |
| Computer machine. | |
| I'm not getting a number here. - Okay. | |
| On 9th of December, 21st Century Fox announced that it had made an offer to acquire the remainder of Skypec for 11 billion pounds. | |
| 11 billion pounds. | |
| How much is 11 billion pounds? | |
| I'm gonna guess it's like 16 billion dollars. | |
| It is, yes Gavin, 16 billion dollars. | |
| Alright, so I was off. | |
| 16 billion dollars. | |
| And Fox News, God bless its cotton socks, it only nets about 800 million a year. | |
| I think it's worth about 3 billion. | |
| I think most media companies are worth one time's annum. | |
| So whatever they grossed that year, they're worth. | |
| And I think they gross about three million. | |
| So if you want to acquire Sky News and Fox, you're, you don't want to get stuck with that contentious thing. | |
| And so you want to dilute Fox News. | |
| So I hear the Murdoch boys, James and I forget his other kid's name, rich kids, right? | |
| Not, who didn't grow up hardscrabble like, you know, the billionaires that run most of these companies. | |
| They're the next generation. | |
| It's really Donald Trump and his kids. | |
| Donald Trump would go to his, you know, the projects with his dad to rent collect. | |
| And if you were, if you got the contract to make the projects in the Bronx, as Artie Lange points out, that was, you had to be a, basically a murderer. | |
| I mean, you're fighting with the mob, all of these corrupt politicians. | |
| I mean, that's hardcore. | |
| So Donald Trump could beat you up in a fight. | |
| I just saw on the cover of the Post today, James Comey was saying, I felt like I was talking to Sammy the Bull. | |
| Yeah. | |
| Is that, are you trying to make Trump sound bad? | |
| Is that an insult? | |
| Sammy the Bull? | |
| One of the scariest guys in the mob? | |
| Um, so I don't think Donald Trump's kids, I like them, but I don't think they have the kind of balls that Donnie has. | |
| And I don't think the Murdoch sons have the kind of balls that Rupert does. | |
| So they, remember there was that, they just did a bunch of terrible shows. | |
| There was some like, Popular populism. | |
| They had some British guy coming into a show that didn't last. | |
| I forget what it was called. | |
| It was called like Revolution Now or something. | |
| And they go and they try to bully people. | |
| And I think they tried. | |
| They said, we got to get rid of Bill O'Reilly. | |
| They tried to get rid of Sean Hannity. | |
| I'm sure they went through his life with a fine tooth comb trying to find some infidelities or sexual harassment. | |
| Sean Hannity, by the way, is a nerd in a jock's body. | |
| So you see this tough guy who plays MMA and throws a football. | |
| He's a geek. | |
| His personality looks like Bill Gates. | |
| So he's not cheating on his wife. | |
| He probably thinks it's kooky to have a vodka tonic. | |
| And they did a good job. | |
| And I think they'd like to attack Tucker and take him down because they want Fox News to be milquetoast so they can do this Sky News deal and sell the $16 billion. | |
| But Tucker's ratings are too mental. | |
| I think he's number one at Fox News because he fights and people love to see a brawl. | |
| It is amazing though how Roger Ailes and Bill Shine were both sort of pushed out. | |
| I think that was all. | |
| Like maybe James Murdoch was behind the Roger Ailes thing. | |
| Maybe he helped Gretchen Carlson start this ball rolling. | |
| Who is that other chick who is Andrea Tenteros? | |
| Holy crap is she hot. | |
| If those boobs are real, I want to move to Africa, change my name, become a Muslim, and start a new life so I don't have to think in English anymore because those tits would haunt my dreams. | |
| Is she on the cover of that book where she's bound? | |
| Here's some gossip I heard about her. | |
| I was told that she went in there and she asked for a major raise. | |
| This is before all the sexual harassment stuff when they were kicking ass and taking names. | |
| And Roger Ailes is a cheapskate, which is why their net is so high. | |
| And oh, by the way, other funny thing. | |
| I got in trouble for a few things, like the cunt thing was obviously the biggest one. | |
| But I remember Bill Shine sat me down and goes, look, this company is run by a Not a square guy from Ohio, but a very traditional guy from the Midwest. | |
| He doesn't like rude words. | |
| He doesn't like, like we don't even, he doesn't like fluids. | |
| So don't say the word barf. | |
| And he told me a story Bill Shine did about how a journalist or a, uh, whatever, a pundit on the news had talked about Hillary Clinton and went like a gagging thing. | |
| And that really pissed off Ailes. | |
| Cause he goes, this might be the next president of the United States. | |
| I don't want you making vomit gestures about her while people are eating their breakfast, watching Fox news. | |
| He was a good businessman. | |
| That's what no one else notices about... Yes, he screwed up. | |
| Power corrupts, absolute power corrupts, absolutely. | |
| He massaged some torsos. | |
| But, um... Let's not let that trivialize his incredible business acumen. | |
| I mean, if you had infinite power like that and you were controlling billions of dollars, might you have a nine sit on your lap and might you touch her torso? | |
| Might you? | |
| If you were ugly and had never been laid and had been a pariah sexually your whole life, like Robert Crumb, what did Robert Crumb do the second he got popular? | |
| He started jumping on women and biting their tits. | |
| And he was a hero. | |
| Hey, he's such a cool pervert. | |
| Oh my god, he loves big women and he loves riding on their backs! | |
| That's what a lot of these guys, like ales, are. | |
| But I heard that Tenteros, um, said I want a huge raise. | |
| They said, well, you have a book coming out, you're the part of a panel of a very popular show called The Five. | |
| Uh, no. | |
| How about you fuck off for a year and then you come groveling back to me? | |
| And it was about to work. | |
| So say nothing had happened during that year. | |
| She would have come groveling back and said, look, I need to push my book. | |
| I, me being on TV is like a, an hour long ad for my book every day. | |
| That's irresistible publicity, which Ailes understood. | |
| He always said, like, I'm not going to pay people like Gavin. | |
| They'll have a book out. | |
| I'll just get authors out and A, they're experts on the subject and B, they're trying to hawk something. | |
| So I get an enthusiastic expert for free. | |
| That was basically their business model. | |
| So she's about to come groveling back, and then the sexual harassment shit hits the fan, and she comes back and hits him with the suit. | |
| I think she got $3 million. | |
| So she went from groveling to $3 million, all because Gretchen Carlson's rich husband said, let's take these guys to the cleaners, and they did, for $20 million. | |
| So you ruined a news network. | |
| Tamara Holder, I think, did too. | |
| I don't know her case. | |
| I'm very careful. | |
| She's an angry lady, and of course, I think her legacy is my meme. | |
| Tamara Holder's legacy, as far as I'm concerned, is when I said you'd be much happier at home. | |
| It was probably one of the greatest moments in the history of television, really. | |
| Really was. | |
| It was like Lucy eating the chocolates off the assembly line. | |
| There's that. | |
| There's Johnny Carson's last episode. | |
| There's when they turned out the lights at Cheers. | |
| And there's me telling Tamara Holder she'd be happier at home. | |
| She sued them and got a bunch of money. | |
| Now, I don't know the case. | |
| Maybe she was brutally molested. | |
| She should have called the cops if that was the case. | |
| She's a lawyer for crying out loud. | |
| But the right had one outlet, and it's only, you know, really 10 years old, 15 years old, as far as being effective. | |
| The left bought and owns, because a lot of, you know, rich people went to private schools. | |
| And Joe Strummer from The Clash is part of this too, in many ways. | |
| Rich people went to private schools. | |
| They're liberal. | |
| Because they went to Indonesia and tasted some little shrimp cocktails, and then they went over to, like, the Congo, where people are eating babies' faces, and they went, you know, on a safari ride. | |
| And then they had a delicious pastry with, like, some cuckoo sauce. | |
| And then they went to some other hellhole, some other shithole country and just had the top 1%. | |
| So they end up with this very multicultural liberal view of society. | |
| They also like socialism because they've had nothing but free money and it worked out for them. | |
| So if you look at donors, you know, on Capitol Hill, you'll see the top ones tend to be Democrats. | |
| And so the news, which is run by rich people for the most part, tends to be left-wing. | |
| Now there was one source, Fox News, And the rich kids, the James Murdochs, started eating at it like piranhas. | |
| And then these women get in there and with sexual harassment, it's a very ambiguous legal area, a very gray area. | |
| All you really need is good lawyers and you can say, I was made to feel uncomfortable at work. | |
| That's a charge. | |
| And then you shut down Fox News. | |
| So these women were hired because they're hot. | |
| And then they ended up biting them in the ass, just like, you know, women on a pirate ship. | |
| Seems like a good idea at the beginning. | |
| And then the next thing you know, there's a mutiny on the bounty and the pirates are stabbing each other and getting, the captain gets thrown overboard. | |
| That's really what happened to Fox News. | |
| The pirates invited a woman on board, a pretty woman, because they were drunk and it did not pan out well. | |
| I'm sure I got a million other stories. | |
| Oh yeah, one brief thing I wanted to say before I go is, How cool Fox News corporate is. | |
| Well, there's two sides to that coin. | |
| One, there's a thing called media relations. | |
| I did a Rebel video about this where it's these women who control HR and hiring and firing and they're evil and they are scared of any kind of controversy. | |
| So if Vanity Fair has one writer, like I think his name's J.D. | |
| Jacobson or something. | |
| If Vanity Fair has a hit piece on Fox, no one from Vanity Fair to come on the show. | |
| That's women avoiding confrontation. | |
| That's not how men do business. | |
| That's a bad idea. | |
| And they're probably the ones who shut me down. | |
| And no one knows who they are, where they are. | |
| They just get an email. | |
| Hey, I want to have this guy on the show. | |
| And they just get an email. | |
| No, thank you. | |
| Or they don't want it on paper, or a record of it. | |
| So they just get a call at your desk. | |
| Hello? | |
| Hi. | |
| Your idea to have JD Blukenblak on the show? | |
| No, thank you. | |
| And then they hang up. | |
| So that sucks. | |
| That's women ruining Fox. | |
| But above that, which is called the second floor, those people understood that it's stressful being in media and they're making a lot of money off of these workaholics. | |
| And by the way, the irony with Fox News is they talk about family values all the time. | |
| None of these people have kids. | |
| And the few that do are neglecting their kids because they're at Fox News all day. | |
| So what are you talking about family values for when you're not at home with your daughter? | |
| Like that whole outnumbered thing where women talk about family value. | |
| Ladies, go home. | |
| Your kids are with a stranger right now. | |
| A nanny, a Jamaican nanny is on her phone in the park and you're talking about how important motherhood is. | |
| Why don't you try it? | |
| Put your, put your mammaries where your mouth is. | |
| I meant that's your breastfeed. | |
| I don't, that was kind of a stretch as far as a joke. | |
| Um, But, like, uh, I knew this cameraman who was a junkie, and I would see him nodding out in the front in the smoking section. | |
| I think his name was Steve Gender. | |
| And, um, he appeared to be a junkie, I should say. | |
| Now, any other company, you're fired. | |
| Get the hell out of here, you disgusting pig. | |
| And I have no, this is just a rumor, by the way. | |
| I have no confirmation he was a junkie. | |
| But I, my understanding is they gave him a great severance package, rehab if he wanted, all this other stuff. | |
| But Bob Beckel was clearly a coke head. | |
| He made references to good cocaine on the show many times. | |
| Oh, they stuck to me, I get the good stuff. | |
| He had nosebleeds on the air! | |
| I think he had a deviated septum. | |
| I think his septum, that means the middle of your nose, is gone from, you know, the corrosive cocaine additives. | |
| Eats away at your actual nose. | |
| They sent him to rehab. | |
| Best rehabs there are, like 45 grand. | |
| He goes there, comes back, gets re-hooked. | |
| They send him back! | |
| $90,000 on Fox's dime. | |
| Or Bill Schultz. | |
| I think he was boozing a lot, and he never went on red-eye drunk. | |
| But I think some people had it out for him, and they knew that he boozed off-air, so they decided to use that against him, and they said, go to rehab. | |
| He said no, and they said, well, sorry, we can't have you here. | |
| That's actually not a great example of how Fox is awesome. | |
| But the big picture is, I think the view there is that women get treated like shit, and they're sex objects, and it's an evil corporation, but they treat their employees very well. | |
| They're happy to send you to rehab. | |
| They're happy to try to work it out. | |
| They're happy to give you time off, find a replacement for you. | |
| Suzanne Scott, Bill Shine, and Roger Ailes are good people who run a tight ship. | |
| Yeah, so I'm glad I got that in at the end. | |
| That's it. | |
| Rich people should not run major media corporations. | |
| They haven't experienced hard work. | |
| This is well documented in the Tower Records doc, All Things Must Pass, where you realize that massive successful corporation was successful because all the top brass had done the dirty work. | |
| They'd stacked records. | |
| They'd built record shelves. | |
| They'd worked the till. | |
| The CEO, the chief financial officer, The controller, yes, Comptroller is pronounced controller. | |
| Counts, the guy who opened up the Japan offices, they were all stock boys. | |
| That's when they won. | |
| But when do you lose? | |
| When you have the Murdoch boys come in and handle it. | |
| You also lose when you hire women just because they're hot. | |
| That's it for today, folks. | |
| Thank you for tuning in. | |
| I would encourage you to go to CRTV.com and check out my show, also named Get Off My Lawn, the eponymous Get Off My Lawn. | |
| You can put in the promo code GAVIN. | |
| You can also get 30 days for free. | |
| Other great shows on there include Mark Mark Levin, like every time I want to talk about Syria or something, actually Syria's a bad example because I think he's pro-war there, but every time I want to talk about the Constitution or senators or... Mark Levin is so intelligent that I have trouble reading his books because they're too dense. | |
| Like I can't be tired if I'm gonna read Mark Levin. | |
| He's like Mark Stein or Buchanan in that sense. | |
| They're so thorough. | |
| That it's like eating steak for breakfast. | |
| You gotta wait until lunch and you have to have, you know, it has to be a Friday. | |
| Crowder, of course, is wonderful. | |
| They've got all kinds of new shows too, outside of Roaming Millennial, Conservative Millennials on there. | |
| This new rant dude is fun and Nate Madden is awesome. | |
| John's good too. | |
| I mean it's a wonderful network that I don't understand why you need anything else. | |
| I should probably handle the humor because I'm not as smart as everyone there and I want to just do that. | |
| I want to do Kim Kardashian stuff and keep it light and why I hate life hacks but I have trouble being silent when I see things like, you know, Christians being slaughtered in northern Iraq and white farmers in South Africa having their children murdered in front of them, being boiled alive and all this stuff. | |
| So sometimes I got to get serious. | |
| And when I have Austin Peterson on, like I did yesterday, talking about We have to take the fight to the left and try to get our guns back instead of arguing about bump stocks and stupid little negotiations like that. | |
| Then I got to be serious. | |
| But for the most part, I'm going to be the comic relief on the show. | |
| And then this podcast, I'm determined to keep politics out of it as much as possible. | |
| I know I got a little political with this episode. | |
| It is Fox News, but I want to keep this as light as possible because as Breitbart said, politics is downstream from culture. | |
| And Mariah Carey and Miley Cyrus are just as crucial to the American fabric as Bill C-16 about the Internal Tax Revenue Program and how that could be subjugated over the course of a three-year program. | |
| As Nick Gillespie, back when we were speaking, said, who was the Speaker of the House in 1930? | |
| I don't know. | |
| Who was Shirley Temple? | |
| I know. |