Get Off My Lawn Podcast #35 | I Forgot Something in the Heroin Episode
I start out getting to some unturned stones from the previous heroin episode and then focus on the gays. We talk about the myth of trans, the lack of homosexuals in the suburbs, and the absurd notion that people in big cities are homophobic. I also wonder aloud if gay suicide is some kind of subconscious recognition they’re weird. They’re not evil or an abomination or anything Fred Phelps-y but like a vegetarian lion or an albino, they are unusual and that’s got to chip away at you over time.
This morning I was throwing a bag of dog shit into the garbage with my son.
My son was in the bag of dog shit.
He died, passed away last night.
As I was throwing it in I said to my boy, uh, pressure's on, getting higher, difference is you stay drier.
And I threw it in and I got it in because the pressure was on but I stayed drier.
Isn't that Arid Extra Dry 2?
Arid Extra Dry, whoever wrote those jingles, you have affected my life, positively I would say, twice today.
And it's morning.
Good jingling!
I bet he was gay.
That's the topic of today's show.
The gays.
The homosexual men.
It's funny, moving to the suburbs from the city, because I moved out of my parents' house in the burbs when I was 18 in 1988, and it's been faggity, fag, fag, fag ever since.
They're, you know, 50% of who you hang out with when you're sort of in the creative class in a city like Montreal, like New York City, even Ottawa.
And Brooklyn.
And then you move to the Burbs and there's zero gays.
Not a lot of gays.
There are no gays here.
None.
I do the podcast from home, by the way.
And it's weird because growing up in the city, every single topic, like, oh, we're going to have alternate side parking.
Yeah, but what do the gays think?
Oh, the gays are fine with it.
A lot of them don't have cars.
Oh, okay.
It's hard to explain to, you know, a farmer, but the gays, the gay angle is just part of your life.
This is delicious.
Is it gay?
No, it's a Caesar salad.
Gays have Cobb salad.
Oh, okay.
So it's not a gay salad.
No, no, no, no.
They have a different type of salad.
And then I come here, and there's this ordinance, and this president, Donald Trump, And no one, like they talk about taxes and stuff and how it's going to affect their real estate, but no one mentions gay marriage or trans anything.
It's quite refreshing.
And then you realize, oh yeah, they're 1% of the population.
We might as well be discussing how this affects the Amish.
I saw something, some terrible video.
It's this black couple.
I'll probably do a video about this video.
And they're both trans, so the dude has a vagina.
Looks like a dude, thanks to testosterone.
And the chick... Actually, the chick just looks like a fat gay guy with long hair.
And they had a baby recently.
Of course, the man has the baby, because he has the uterus and everything, and you go, yeah, that's cheating.
You know what I mean?
That's like Sean King washing his face and putting on a baseball hat to go play golf and being white for a date.
No, Sean, you have to commit to the bit.
You have to be black every day if you're going to pretend to be black.
Rachel Dolezal did it.
But a lot of these lesbians will go, yeah, I'm going to have a kid, so I'm going to be a chick for nine months and then go back to being a dude.
In fact, the guy in this video, which I could probably find, let's see if I can find him.
The guy in this video goes, yeah, I didn't really enjoy it.
I didn't like being a bitch, but it had to be done.
I had to have a baby.
The reason, by the way, I made this about gays is because I want to talk about Benjamin Cho.
Uh, who OD'd on heroin pretty recently.
Big funeral for him I didn't go to.
I don't really go to funerals.
And, uh... Excusez-moi.
I forgot to mention him in the heroin episode, and I think it's relevant, but... I also wanted to talk about his gayness, which... You know...
People are going to hate me for it because friends of a dead guy, they're very, and rightfully so, they're very careful about what you say about the person.
You want to respect the dead, and I do respect Ben.
He was one of the best guys ever.
But it made me want to make this episode about homosexuals, and I'm obviously disparaging gays in this quite a bit.
Especially trans.
I don't think trans people are gay.
I think they're mentally ill gays.
There's this dude, Riley.
I wonder if I can find that.
He's a really smart nerd.
And what he did was he probably wasn't getting any pussy because he's ugly and unattractive.
And nerds have no testosterone, so women aren't attracted to them.
They're like feminist allies.
So he figured out this angle where I'm going to become a chick.
But I still want to bone chicks, obviously.
So I'm going to be a lesbian.
Pretty smart, huh?
I mean, it worked for the New York Dolls.
It worked for Motley Crue.
You just look like a pretty lady and everyone's attracted to pretty lady, even pretty ladies.
Then you get in there and then you start banging them.
So check this out.
This is Riley.
And I'm sorry to put this in the same episode as Benjamin Cho.
Benjamin Cho is not a bullshitter.
He was just a homosexual guy who was-- and that was not a big part of his life, especially after he's doing smack.
You can't get an erection when you're a heroin addict.
So that wasn't part of his life.
He was a brilliant fashion designer.
Look him up.
Great artist, too.
I mean, we unpack our Christmas decorations.
And we had one year when my daughter was one.
So that would have been like ten years ago.
And everyone was sort of painting.
They came over and we had, let's paint Christmas decorations.
This was still when we were under the illusion that we could have friends who don't have kids.
So we had all our childless friends over.
Impossible today, but...
And I'm looking at the ornament that Benjamin Cho made, and it's a drawing of my daughter, just with, like, a pen on this sort of cookie dough Christmas ornament we made.
And it is photo-realistic perfect.
Like, he was like a savant who was also smart.
He was a smart savant.
He did our wedding invitations and just wrote like, you know, please join Gavin and Emily, blah, blah, blah, when they get married.
And Gavin says goodbye to regular sex for the rest of his life.
He wrote that up in calligraphy and it was breathtaking.
So I want to make it clear in this episode that I'm not disparaging Benjamin Cho.
But it's just sort of a springboard to talk about gays, and if you're talking about gays, you have to talk about fake gays.
And fake gays are this trans bullshit.
So this guy, just like Sean King, by the way, figured out a hustle.
Riley J. Dennis.
And his hustle is, I'm a lesbian.
Brilliant.
He's lying, but it's a persona he chose.
And we all choose personas, especially when we're young.
I'm a punk.
Yeah, I'm kind of like Sid Vicious.
I have a rat, a pet rat.
I live in my parents' basement.
It's totally dirty, man.
Actually, you know what I do on the weekends?
I go to the city and I just crash in a squat, probably get body lice.
I'm like a weird animal fucking drunk.
I kick over garbage cans, man.
I'm psycho.
I'm Johnny Cash.
I'm like a Deep, heavy dude.
I wear a black suit.
I have a record player in my room that's just a phono record player with little speakers on the bottom and old records.
I don't listen to CDs or Spotify.
I just listen to records.
I'm the Johnny.
Like, you choose that guy and it gets you pussy.
So Riley J. Dennis has chosen lesbian, and it works!
He's got some chick in Australia who lets her bang him.
- Hey everyone, so today I wanna talk about why it took me so damn long to figure out that I'm trans and a lesbian. - Can't you hear the nerd in his vocal cords?
'Cause I'm trans and a lesbian.
And I like gaming and I play Mario Kart.
And I also figured out a way to get laid.
That's what I never got about nerds.
You're smart, right?
You invented computers.
Why can't you get laid?
Because I came out when I was like 22, which in the grand scheme of things is pretty young.
I know trans people who've come out in their 40s or 50s or 60s.
But in retrospect, I was in the closet for a lot longer than I could have been.
Like I just believed so many misconceptions that stopped me from ever even being able to consider that I might be trans or a lesbian.
Sucks, because while I'm in a really good place now, I do wish that I would have been able to learn more about myself earlier on and come out sooner.
Because I wasted so many years-- Oh, yeah, I wasted so many years not coming up with this awesome hustle.
*laughs* *cough* But you can't help but think-- And this is the elephant in the room with all sexual deviants-- You can't help but think, uh, you screw your significant other in her vagina.
With your dick.
What's that like?
And that must affect gays, too.
Sorry, I'm looking for this video of that black couple while I talk.
That must affect gays, because gays feel abnormal.
Gays are abnormal.
Sorry.
I love the gays.
I've been surrounded by them my whole life.
My wife's a fag hag, so I'm actually surrounded by more gays now than I ever was when I was living in gay Montreal and gay New York City.
But, uh...
It must be in the back of your head that what you're doing is abnormal.
And not disgusting, not evil.
The analogy I like to use is a vegetarian lion.
You get these huge incisors, you're ready to rip flesh from bodies, and you just want to beat salad.
Like when you have a penis, you go, this thing shoots sperm.
Sperm makes babies, right?
So I'm pre-designed to make a baby, yet I don't want one, and I'm probably going to die alone.
And my lineage is over after, what, 300,000 years of running around doing stuff.
My lineage is done.
That must make you feel weird.
And we had this kid, this gay kid in our high school, David Ibbotson, and he offed himself.
A lot of gays kill themselves.
And I think part of it might be that they feel very unusual because they are.
Now, by those rights, by that same logic, you could say, well, albinos probably kill themselves.
I don't know, but that's a good analogy.
That's basically what I'm saying.
Albinos are not shitty people.
I don't want them to die.
But if there was a lot of albino suicides, I'd go, yeah, maybe it's because they feel weird.
Because they can't go outside.
Like that black couple that I'm trying to find.
I don't think I'm going to be able to find it.
So they're just a normal couple, but with different genitalia.
But the whole act of intercourse is I'm on top of you.
I'm dominating you.
I'm the male.
You're helpless.
Normal heterosexual sex is a snake eating a mouse.
So the snake goes, you know, that first bite.
Where the mouse is still sticking out of the snake's mouth and you see the mouse going, I'm fucked.
And the snake is like, I'm just gonna relax here for a second before I do my next big bite.
And the next big bite, by the way, he's gone.
Or, sorry, whoops, Freudian slip.
She's gone.
And that's what intercourse is.
But in their relationship, this black couple, they don't have that.
He has a vagina.
So how does he, you know, pound her?
Like, he's on top?
Who's on top?
He's lying on his back with his hands behind his knees?
That's not a male position to be in.
Look, I'm gonna have someone find it for me.
I'm doing a podcast.
Can you find me that trans black couple?
Couple?
Wait a minute, you don't put that there.
Ugly.
I remember someone calling them ugly.
They are super ugly.
Oh my god, I found it.
That's terrible.
I typed in the word ugly and it came up.
Okay, here they are.
Here they are, My Trans Life.
Me and Liam Met was one of those love stories that was never supposed to happen.
Yeah, I get this is from the show My Trans Life.
Love stories never supposed to happen.
Yeah, it's weird.
Because, and I've said this a million times, so you're a straight, no, you're a gay man, no, you're a woman with a penis, and you're a man with a vagina, so how did you find a date?
Like this guy, in quotation marks, in this video, he is a normal dude, looks like a linebacker for the Seattle Nighthawks, what are they called?
I don't know football.
And so he is attracted to women?
Okay, but women with a penis?
Actually, maybe I can wrap my mind around that because the problem with being a lesbian must be I can never really get my rocks off.
But this lesbian has a dink.
Yeah, but it's a dude.
No, not really.
Okay.
Maybe I'm figuring it out as we go here.
My trans life.
That's trans guitar.
They said to the guy doing the music, can you do like a soothing, normal couple music to make trans people sound normal?
You mean like a, like a, hold on a sec, like sort of like this?
I never imagined to fall in love with somebody like Liam.
I love Raquel.
She has a nice... I love Raquel.
That's a chick with testosterone saying that.
So she's just, she's wonderful.
I feel like I can completely be myself around Raquel.
She doesn't try to change me.
She makes it totally comfortable.
It feels good to be with someone who understands what I'm going through.
Raquel and Liam started life knowing that they'd been born into the wrong gender.
I think I was about five.
So at a young age, it just really didn't feel right.
You know, I'm really talking about two things in this episode.
One is being gay and how it must feel weird, even in the most progressive, cool, groovy environments, because it is weird.
And then also, people like Riley Dennis, who like the cachet of being a minority and being a victim and being different, not just being a boring white male, and wanting to cash in on that.
Also, by the way, wanting to get laid because it leads to poon.
To be special.
You want to be a Muslim or black or oppressed or something if you want to be special in high school and college and get laid.
So there's two separate groups here.
But Benjamin Cho was the normal gay group.
And, you know, he OD'd on heroin, so it's not really a normal suicide.
But I had this sneaking fear that I introduced him to heroin.
It was a long, long time ago, back before I had kids in New York City.
And around 14th Street, there are all these junkies.
There must be methadone clinics.
And methadone, half the time they just get addicted to methadone.
Like Jackie on the Scottish sketch comedy show, Limmy's Show.
I was a junkie for four years, for four year, and then I was addicted to methadone that was meant to get me off it.
It's hard to do that character without having a cough.
These methadone junkies are all over 14th and say 3rd.
Actually, they're all over 14th Street.
There must be a bunch of methadone clinics on 14th.
But they're fun to watch and I'm looking at this one dude and you know they do that thing that tripod thing where they put their knees together and they think that they can just sort of sleep standing up like a horse and you want to walk over them over to them and go hey buddy It's called a tripod, all right?
Three pods.
You have a two pod.
You have a bipod.
You're not going to stay up.
If you want to sleep standing up, you need a cane.
You need a third leg.
Get a boner and point it down and it better be a big one.
So you're sitting there and watching them try to defy physics and it's amusing and I'm so jaded.
I'm like a cop now.
I just make jokes about all these sick losers.
And you see these NYU students going, what are you looking at?
Like, I would film them sometimes with my camera.
And these NYU students would go, what?
Oh, it's a clown show?
It's a freak show?
And tisk at me.
I'm like, what are you tisking me for?
This guy is indulging himself to death.
Can I at least get a laugh out of that, please?
What am I supposed to do, cry?
Oh, you poor angel.
You're addicted to methadone now.
So this guy's leaning over and he's dropped his fanny pack.
And it's taking him, I'm going to say half an hour to pick it up.
Half an hour.
Talk about slow motion.
This is what it must look like to be The Flash when you just see a normal person picking up their fanny pack.
You must go, God damn it, pick it up.
It's been a whole millisecond.
So I'm looking at this guy and I'm filming him and he's slowly leaning over and I'm laughing my head off.
I don't know why.
I think I was a little hungover.
You know when you find things really funny in the morning and you realize, oh I'm drunk from the night before.
So, after a while, I think, I'm just gonna steal his fanny pack.
Screw him.
And on a serious note, this might, my disdain for junkies might be linked to the 20 or so people I know who have died.
Or I'm just watching someone throw away their life and I think, fuck you.
You pussy.
You're gonna go make some, your brother's gonna be crying after this.
Your mom is gonna be verklempt.
And you're just indulging yourself?
There's other people in the world, you selfish pig.
So, I stole his fanny pack, and I took it home.
I showed my girlfriend at the time, who's my wife now, and I go, check it out.
I stole a fanny pack.
And she goes, why would you do such a thing?
And then I open it up, and he has about four bucks, no wallet, just money.
And then there's a card for a lawyer Like when you get arrested, you go to jail, you call that lawyer.
And there was a little mini pamphlet in it that was part of the Bible.
I don't know, Genesis or something?
With some mini section of the Bible in a pamphlet form.
And I felt real bad.
I go, what have I done?
This guy's trying to get his life back on track.
And here I am stealing his stuff.
And his whatever, Medicare, Obamacare card was in there too.
I'm just feeling like a horrible person.
And then I opened the little zipper part in the back.
A gram of coke, a gram of Unbelievably good pot.
I've never smoked pot this good before or since.
Shocking marijuana.
Like, what marijuana was supposed to be?
These junkie loser street people, through trial and error, have come across the highest quality goods, where us lazy people who, you know, smoke pot once in a while and will try drugs at a party, we're just like, whoever's there, that Puerto Rican guy named Frenchie?
Yeah, let's get him.
But not the serious customers.
And a bundle of heroin was in there too.
Now, I would do heroin like once a month, just a bump.
So a bundle, which is I think 13 bags, would easily last me like over a year.
I'm pretty good with drugs, I think.
I'm pretty bad with bourbon.
I'll do a whole other episode on that.
that, but, uh, so I did the pot in no time and the, and the, the coke didn't last very long, but the heroin lasted forever.
So when I'd have people come back to my apartment after a night of partying or karaoke or whatever, I'd say, hey, we're out of coke, but I have some of this, and it'll take the edge off.
Excuse me.
So we all sat around doing little bumps of heroin, and Ben Cho was included in that.
I think, I hope to God, he was already doing it at that point.
But he never stopped.
And I heard he would sort of snuggle with Dash Snow and stuff like that.
Remember what I was talking about in the last episode where straights would do gay stuff just because they were so wasted, high, and just sort of blah, blobby?
I think that him and Dash got up to some weird, like, just making out.
It's a sad, lonely drug in many ways.
But then Ben kept going, and going.
And after Dash died, I think he was crushed, and he kept going, and going.
And I would see him very occasionally, and... His voice!
He had fried his throat, so he spoke like this!
And Ben Cho, before that, was... He wasn't that effeminate, but just sort of, like, normally feminine.
Kind of like that black couple here.
I remember being in kindergarten and sitting on a placemat.
A young girl walked in, and I was...
Not quite that gay, but sort of that gay.
And funny as shit, too.
Like at my wedding, for example, Bill McGowan.
Great guy.
He wrote Coloring the News, Grey Lady Down, one of my favorite authors.
Very libidinous gentleman, despite his age.
He likes the ladies.
And that doesn't always fly when you're an old man.
I mean, I think he's almost 60 now.
I love him.
I had a beer with him the other day.
Great guy.
But, uh, he lived in Sri Lanka for a while.
He did a book down there that's called something like, uh, No Man or Evil or something like that.
And, uh, he's a great investigative reporter, very talented man.
And, uh, so he comes out and there's my, my stag before the wedding was just dudes.
We rented a huge hunting lodge and it was four days of just guys, guys, guys.
So we drank like a million beers, did a million pounds of coke, smoked a bay of pot, no heroin, and it was funny because the night before the wedding my wife showed up with all her friends and we hadn't seen a chick in three days.
Now I'm taken obviously, but my friends were horny as a hoot owl and they're like, what?
These women are goddesses.
Plus, they're all done up, right?
Like, they wanted to lose weight for their dresses and stuff, and they're healthy, and they have makeup on, and high-heeled shoes.
My friends were dying.
Anyway, after the wedding, everyone was staying at the hunting lodge.
Tons of chicks and stuff.
So all these guys are trying to court, and then Bill McGowan comes out, and he's wearing a sarong.
What?
I guess he had it from his Sri Lanka days?
So this old man thinks he's going to seduce a 25-year-old wearing a sarong, like she's going to go, ooh, you're exotic, Mr. Gray Hair.
Sorry, Bill, I'm not disparaging you, but that was the environment.
And Ben Cho comes out, and he looks at him, and right off the dome, he goes, who knew a sarong could be so wrong?
There was this girl Carol Lee we used to hang out with, a fellow Korean, and she'd be talking and he would just roll his eyes and go, shut your kimchi hole, Carol.
See, I'm not even doing his delivery as good as he did.
I felt like we were well matched as far as the insulting goes.
I would call him Bobby Trendy, which was an Asian gay from the Anna Nicole Smith Show.
I said to him too, I go, I don't know, whose stag do you go to?
Do you come to my bachelor party or Emily's Bachelorette?
We both like you, but I don't know who gets you.
And he goes, well, I am a man.
He didn't come to the bachelor party.
It would have been weird having him there.
Gays, they don't like like four-day booze benders.
Especially if there's no male orgies involved.
Anyway.
So his voice got all hoarse and he would still DJ.
He came up, I think he came up with the whole Morrissey resurgence that skaters were into and they had a night at Sway in New York that everyone would go to.
The guy was just fun.
Like, I say that about Dash Snow, too.
There's so many adjectives you could use, and it's hard to convey the sort of warmth and friendliness they give, but fun is just the easiest, fastest way to say it.
Like, if you were at a party, or a club, or a bar, and you see Ben there, you're just like, yes!
Now we're cooking with gas!
I never saw the guy in a bad mood once.
And he always wanted to go do stuff, too.
Let's go over here!
So, Yeah, then he got bad.
I think his parents had an intervention for him.
And he said, if you, I think his dad was paying him, like paying his rent or something.
He said, if you cut me off, I'm going to kill myself.
And so the parents chickened out.
And, uh, God, his poor sister.
I think she's a doctor and she just had to go, well, he either kills himself now or slowly dies on heroin and he's not giving us a choice.
That's what pisses me off about heroin addicts too, is they give their, their, their loved ones these shitty ultimatums where it's like, push me off a cliff and abandon me and hope I don't die or facilitate my death.
So it's facilitate my death or facilitate my death.
It's up to you.
But it is a hell of a drug and he got swept away with it.
Poor bastard.
But yeah, the voice kept going hoarser and hoarser and he kind of disappeared.
He started looking like shit and then he vanished.
And I guess part of what I wanted to bring up today is, is it possible that gays kind of have a death wish because they feel weird?
Like even their intercourse.
When someone puts their dink in your butt, you must be like going, oh, that's, this is, this is literally unusual.
Even when straights do it, when straights have anal sex, we're sort of going, this is a weird act I'm up to.
This is a straight, like, that's kind of the fun of it too.
It's like a, I believe in the book, The Joy of Sex, it's in the sauces and pickles chapter.
Same with oral sex.
When it's happening, part of it is, this is weird.
We're not going to be doing this every day, but we're doing a sinful, carnal act.
I always said that, too, about the gays.
When you stop trying to normalize it, the gays might like that it's weird.
You know, the ones that can survive and not kill themselves?
Maybe they're into the fact that they're decadent weirdos.
Like punk rockers or something.
You know, you don't want to normalize punk.
But gays feel weird.
They are weird.
They're not, they're never going to have kids.
And if my kids were gay, if my boys or my daughter ended up being gay, I would of course be bummed.
And.
90% of that bummed would be, you're not having kids, this is over.
But they can adopt.
Eh, I guess.
Is that really a normal way for a kid to grow up?
And by the way, a lot of my horrible views, like it's not normal for a kid to be raised by gays, comes from gays.
Like when you hear me saying something anti-Semitic, it's because Jews told me.
When I say something racist, it's because I was talking to a black guy.
I think people don't get that too about New York.
It is so cosmopolitan, metropolitan, multicultural, that being a Nazi here is just not possible.
You'd be exhausted.
And I noticed this in the New York Post.
They had this, they're called like the 2-1-1 crew or something, and these idiot academics started trying to document them so they could dox them and get them all fired.
So these two boys got quote-unquote tuned up.
As 2-1-1 put it.
And the New York Post's angle was, Nazis beat up wonderful little angels just because they had an Antifa sticker on their phone.
How did you know they had an Antifa sticker on their phone?
Because their phone was in the guy's face and he was being recorded.
And these guys, unlike rich kids in Antifa, these guys can't afford to be fired.
They work for, you know, craft beer distributors lugging kegs.
So when you try to ruin their lives and make their children starve, you get beat up.
So I told them that and I found out who the guys were and got their names out there.
And then the New York Post angle was, Gavin McInnes puts boys in danger of Nazis!
The Nazis are gonna kill them now!
No, they picked a fight with blue-collar patriots and got their asses kicked.
This is why the press and the police are too involved in our lives.
Everything we could handle ourselves, thank you very much.
We need to get back to violence, don't you think?
Someone messes with you, beat them up.
That's assault!
Police!
I saw some video on drunk people doing things, the Instagram account, and there was some drunken idiot picking fights and then the cops show up and you can see like six guys pointing at the drunk so the cop can get him and he ends up getting arrested.
You think, dude, you're in a mob of six.
A drunken buffoon is picking a fight with you.
Lay him out and be on your way.
No need for 911.
No need for paperwork.
I remember seeing this bum on St.
Mark's Street, and he was standing at the bus stop, and he just went... I have a pen in my hand now, you'll have to take my word for it.
And he just went... He fell without putting his hands down.
Just take a pen, right now, and release the pen.
That's how he fell.
His face just went plop!
And he was bleeding.
And it was all NYU kids, of course, because we're at St.
Mark's and Third.
And they go, call 9-1-1!
Call 9-1-1!
And I go, don't call 9-1-1.
This guy doesn't need to be in the hospital overnight, filling out paperwork, going to a holding cell, explaining why he doesn't have ID.
He's just a drunk piece of shit who wants to pass out.
And the bum The bum whose nose is bleeding, not bad, but just like bleeding, goes, He's right.
I'm a piece of shit.
And went off on his merry way.
Handled!
That's the New York way.
And when I first moved here in the 90s, I was confused by that.
Like, you'd hear people talking in such a coarse, harsh way that your ears would bleed.
Here's the example.
Here's an example.
And it's going to be shocking, so please don't take it out of context.
You meet a guy, and he's like, fucking niggers.
I swear to God.
I swear to God, the bane of my existence.
It's like they don't understand, you know, delayed gratification.
Everything is here and now.
They don't, they don't know how to plan ahead.
You know what I mean?
And you go, uh, I guess.
My God, you're being super racist.
Then the next day, you see that guy and everyone's meeting for lunch.
And he's there, he's late.
And he's with his black wife.
And he strolls in and he goes, guess why we're late?
Out of all, I'll give you a million guesses, guess which one of these two people is responsible for us being late?
And you go, wait a minute, I thought you were in the Klan.
Your wife and kids are black.
I know another guy, another New Yorker, who has a black wife and black kids, and he goes, best thing about being a white dad is the kids, they want to, my girls, they want to eventually get with a white guy.
So I don't have to worry about black guys coming by.
Because they've seen that white guys are good husbands, right?
So my girls are going to get with the right kind of guy.
Out of like, in Nebraska and obviously Los Angeles, that kind of talk sounds insane.
But it's what happens when you're in a big city like New York and you're piled on top of one another.
Which is why it was so dumb for the Post to assume that these guys are Nazis.
Do you know how tired you'd be if you were a Nazi or a homophobe in New York walking through the West Village?
You just, you wouldn't even be able to finish well.
You'd just be like, what, what, what, what, what, what?
You'd have tendinitis.
Your knuckles would just be gone.
I mean, your fists would be destroyed.
And by the way, you'd have your ass kicked.
Not all gays are wimps.
We've got bears, trannies.
When I was a kid, before trannies became just anyone's cup of tea, they were the, you were scared of them.
Remember at the Black and Blue in Montreal was this gay rave we would go to meet chicks because fag hags are delicious prey.
You'd see a tranny slip in his barf and get up and keep dancing and you'd know if you fuck with that guy he's gonna take off his heels and they're gonna pierce your temple.
Trannies, when I was a young man, were always scary.
So yeah, if you're a fag basher in New York City, you're going to get bashed real fast.
So the idea of racists in New York is just stupid.
And this, you know, you look at these punk bands in the 80s, the hardcore bands like Cro-Mags and Agnostic Front, and half the time these New York bands were Cuban exiles who loved America and capitalism because they'd experienced socialism.
But the pansies over on the West Coast at Maximum Rock and Roll, like editor Tim Yo, would go, oh, those New Yorkers are total Nazis.
You go, no, dude, they're just patriots.
And they're singing about welfare abuse because it happens in their building.
They're in it.
And, you know, New Yorkers, I think, have a good idea of hustles.
Like, for example, the Dominicans.
They get food stamps and they buy groceries and then send them to the Dominican Republic, where people aren't starving, but it fuels a bodega.
So the bodega in DR, their entire inventory comes from my food stamp tax dollars.
It's a hustle.
And if you say that to someone outside of New York, they go, oh, so food stamps are a lie so you want children to starve?
But you say it to a New Yorker and he goes, oh yeah, I saw those giant blue bins at the grocery store.
And I saw people filling them up and then shipping them from the grocery store.
The grocery store will handle the shipping for you.
That's how common it is.
So all this supposed racism, homophobia, transphobia is really just New York talk.
It's people saying it like it is.
And I don't necessarily enjoy New York.
I'm done.
I'm glad I moved to the suburbs.
Because you get kind of tired of telling it like it is.
Move it, asshole!
Are you just getting insulted every day all day on the street?
Hey, fuckface!
Move!
you gotta wonder is this worth fighting about just constant hey it's sometimes it's good though like if there's a pregnant lady and there's someone sitting down by the pregnant lady hey buddy you're gonna get up you're gonna get up sometimes it'll be a junkie saying that like new york has blue collar archie bunker junkies archie junkers so you'll be in uh say east new york you know bushwick or something
and you'll see a guy with a toolbox going home and he's kind of nodding off on the bus because he did a little bump of smack on the way home you know You know, I was around in the 80s.
I never quite kicked it, but I'm a functioning junkie.
I got a hole in my thigh that never healed, and I just sort of squirt the junk into the hole, and the cells are so damaged in the hole.
Like, junkies will literally have a hole in their leg.
Oh, that's one other thing.
Sorry, I forgot to mention the junkie episode.
I was talking about N.A.
and I'll go off on all these stupid tangents since I don't always get back.
I was talking about junkie N.A.
in New York and how brutal it is.
And a friend of mine who went there was telling me about this guy who had shat his pants so bad.
Oh, I almost had a wet fart just as I said shat my pants.
That's weird.
Psychosomatic?
What's that?
Was that the word?
No.
Some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy.
He pooed his pants many times.
And the poo had stayed in his pants for so long that the denim and the skin had become Just like sexuality had become a spectrum.
And there wasn't necessarily skin, feces, and denim.
Sure, they generally divided into those three categories, but there was a gray area where some of the poo was actually part of his body, and some of the pants were actually part of the poo that were part of his body.
They had melded together and become one.
Are you barfing yet?
Can you imagine, like, how about these people who go to medical school for 12 years memorizing Latin terms, and they get some junkie who nearly pooed his pants to death?
What do you do with that guy?
Alright, that's ipsium, loracium, gross me, make me barf my eyes outium.
Get in a big bath salts.
Not the drug.
Don't don't drink it when you're in there chunky get in a hot bath and What they do this is what the guy told me and they soak you for like two days and they soak the denim and the poo off and then it's just raw skin your legs look like Freddy and They just have to slowly Oh Slowly rebuild the skin.
Like this guy I heard about in Montreal.
I had every STD under the sun in Montreal in my heyday.
And I was, I had a few venereal warts and the guy was spraying them with liquid nitrogen.
And I said, is this a pretty bad case?
And he goes, dude, he didn't say dude.
And he goes, sorry, this is not, no wait, I'm doing a Mexican accent.
Hold on, French Canadian.
Hey, what are you doing?
You're retired.
He goes, nah, this is not a big deal.
Uh, we had a guy in here recently.
He had so many venereal warts, uh, on his anus that, uh, he couldn't go to the bathroom.
So we had to give him a colostomy bag while we treated it.
And then he said, he said that another guy, he had so many on his penis that I had to, uh, just dip the entire thing in the liquid nitrogen.
And then to remove that like a sheath.
So sort of like Kentucky Fried Chicken, you just would take the skin off and then he had a Freddy dick and then that would rebuild itself.
That's gay.
That's gay self-indulgence.
I mean, I'll end it with some remarkably controversial things about the gays.
I have this friend, we'll call him the letter C, Chris.
He got AIDS.
We were at a bar in D.C.
and he had these sneakers on and he had little sock hats, like ankle socks, and they had bumblebees on them.
And I've known him for a long time.
He's a big immigration guy, anti-immigration guy.
So I met him when I first moved to New York when I was anti-immigration because I thought it was bad for the environment.
It was a long... I could do a whole podcast on my immigration stance and how it's progressed from hippie peace punk to evil horrible man.
So I knew him through conservative politics.
And I go, nice fucking bumblebee socks, fag.
And he goes, I am gay.
And I said, pardon?
And he goes, God, you never listen to me.
He was really pissed.
And I go, I think I would remember that if you said you're gay.
And he goes, I've told you a hundred times.
And I go, wait a minute, we went to strip clubs together.
And he goes, yeah, I'm bi.
And I go, well, wait a minute, haven't you, like, I've seen you dating girls.
And he goes, yes, and I always tell them right out of the gate that I'm bi and I like being with men.
And I go, well, maybe that's why your relationships keep falling apart, dude.
You're gay.
And he goes, and I have AIDS.
And I go, what?
And he says, yes, I have AIDS.
And I go, are you dying?
And he goes, no.
I go, so you're going to live forever?
And he goes, I hope not.
I'm making him a gay voice.
We didn't have a gay voice.
He, by the way, you know what he got me for my wedding?
I got married after that.
And so he was already out of the closet at that point.
I shouldn't say out of the closet.
Out of the closet in my head where I guess I didn't hear him in the closet.
But he got us for the wedding three house CDs of house music and then lube.
But the lube was in meth.
So, it was a little vial of lube, and you look in the vial, and it looks like Superman's house.
Like these crystal projection things.
Crystallization crystals.
And then you shake it up, and it gets a little bubbly, and then the crystals dissolve into the meth, and you're supposed to put that on your genitalia.
Probably the only way that that weird trans black couple could make sense of their genitalia.
And then it feels good, and you screw to house music for 36 hours.
Thank you for the wedding present, Chris.
No, I'm not doing that.
I actually poured it out.
I think I got some on my fingers because I went to do some emailing after that and it was like, tick tock, tick, tick, tick, tick.
And then, and then, and then, my fingers were typing on the keyboard so fast that it was a frequency, like an A flat.
And then slowly as it wore off, it was like... Back to normal.
But he got AIDS at a circuit party doing meth and screwing for 36 hours.
And I said to him, Chris, uh, that's not normal.
I mean, they, you know, Fred Phelps says God hates fags, but it's possible that nature, uh, has checks and balances for extreme sexual indulgence, which basically all gays seem to get up to.
I mean, you're, you're talking about a gay conservative, like at Fox News or something in the green room, and you're like, you have 30 dicks in your face sometimes.
You know, even your most normal making love is still our craziest sex.
Like you putting in the butt, uh, doggie style, that's like the craziest night of the year for us straights.
And that's you trying to be normal.
Abnormal is like, like I had this gay couple, Johnny and Roswell.
Oh, that's not a secret.
I can use the real names, but there, I was talking about a threesome or something I had back in my crazy days.
I'm like, threesome?
Fuck that, faggot.
We have eightsomes.
I'm thinking eightsomes?
Aren't there just like feet in your face and like a dink on your leg and some boobs?
Oh, there's some boobs showed up?
No, there's no boobs.
Believe me.
No, thank you.
Okay.
That's just, what's that?
Like eight dicks?
This, this is not exactly CRTV material.
This is probably why my podcast isn't on that site anymore, but I need this outlet.
I need, I can be Tucker Carlson on Get Off My Lawn.
The TV show, but I need to be Howard Stern at some point.
I gotta get my yayas out.
This is who I am.
I remember I was in a special class in eighth grade for kids who couldn't shut up.
It was mostly retards, actually, but there was also some kids who were dying of cancer and me, the class clown who couldn't stop talking during class and wasn't mature enough to have multiple teachers.
Sort of like Jeff Spicoli, really, but not Stone.
And my dad, He was obsessed with education.
He's a smart guy, you know, physicist.
He would punch holes in the wall and be losing it.
And I would say, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Okay.
And I would try to shut up in class and I literally sit on my hands and I could maybe go like half a day shutting up, but then it all come up.
That's why it could never be advice because as we got bigger and bigger, I thought, all right, I gotta be a good boy now.
And I just couldn't do it.
So I think this solution at CRTV is a good solution.
Be a good boy on your show, your TV show, and then save the filth for your podcast.
Got it.
We'll see how long it lasts, but this is the filth.
And it's also homophobic racist filth, too.
I'm thinking about Craig having, sorry, Chris, having sex for 36 hours, and I'm thinking Like, if you were a bug, and I said this to Chris, if you were a bug, and you fucked for 36 hours, you'd wear out your little cockroach penis.
Nature doesn't want you doing that.
It's not normal.
If you scratched your ear, For 36 hours.
Your ear would be shredded.
In that episode, the 100th episode of Get Off My Lawn, I wore 100 t-shirts, so I was taking off t-shirts all day.
The backs of my ears and the backs of my arms were shredded, like they felt sunburned.
And when I had a shower that day, my ears were on fire.
Sorry, the next day.
So, what you did was unnatural.
And in a way, Fred Phelps is right.
God does hate fags.
You know what I mean?
Like, if you're gay, and you have a surrogate, and you raise your kid with two gays, isn't that kind of morally wrong?
Because you're definitely at a disadvantage.
It's sort of like a deaf, I should do a whole other episode about this, but say you're deaf and you know having a kid, your kid's going to be deaf.
Isn't that morally wrong?
There's that show, that movie out now, that kid's movie about that severely disfigured kid.
And he has this disease where you, you look kind of like, uh, uh, something out of the Hobbit.
You know, the disease I'm talking about, your nose is all bent down and your eyes are like hammerhead shark eyes.
And, um, they're, they're perfectly normal.
Otherwise they're just severely disfigured.
I'm not saying I know the answer to this, but isn't it morally wrong for you to have a kid and start him out with this disadvantage?
I know it's true of single mothers.
If you're a single mom and you have a kid knowing you're going to be a single mom, like you don't have a daddy in the family or you get inseminated or something, that seems to me very wrong.
You're starting your kid at a disadvantage and there's piles of data out there saying that single moms, children of single moms do worse than children with parents.
It's just a fact.
Now, we don't have a lot of data on children of gays, and I obviously have no problem with gays going up to an orphanage or taking some kid who had no family, no other options, saying, I'll take him.
That's wonderful, guys.
Way to go.
You made the best of a bad situation.
But if you have a surrogate, haven't you created a bad situation?
I don't know.
The important thing here is that we just be honest about everything.
Doing heroin is bad.
And when we glorify junkies who die and are very taboo about how we talk about it and don't tell the whole story, it's a disservice to junkies today.
We have to say, you're a junkie, you fucked up.
Philip Seymour Hoffman is not a hero.
Benjamin Cho screwed up badly.
Let's find out why.
Was it, uh, was he just so smart that he realized that something is not right about being gay?
Is I don't think gays should be cured or anything.
Think of albinos and vegetarian lions.
It's not evil, but it is a deformation of sorts.
It's an evolutionary tangent.
And we need to accept that.
Both the right and the left.
Because when you don't, terrible things happen.
Like with conservatives, when they say, no, no, no, gays don't exist.
That's fine.
Okay.
Well, I'm not attracted to women.
Well, then you're asexual.
Join the church.
Okay.
I joined the church.
I'm still horny.
Well, just stay away from women.
Okay.
Hey, I just diddled a bunch of boys.
Oh.
Yeah, maybe I was wrong to pretend that gays don't exist.
I just, basically, my denial got a kid molested, so sorry about that.
And that's the problem.
That's a conservative screwing up people's lives by pretending that gays don't exist.
Similarly, liberals, when they go, hey, let's let all these gays join the Boy Scouts, Okay, that kid got diddled too because you were pretending that gays are perfectly normal.
You see what I'm saying?
In both cases, it's dishonesty.
Conservatives pretending that gay isn't a thing, and liberals pretending that gays are a normal thing.
Both of them are problematic.
What a tangled web we weave when at first we try to deceive.
Anyway, that's the show for today.
I'm going to be funnier next show.
I just had to get that heroin story off my chest and discuss the homos and how in New York you're allowed to talk like this without being vilified.
And I'm allowed to talk like this without being vilified because I feel like I got my audience now.
Even if I get fired, I could just charge people four bucks and they'd still tune in.
So I'm kind of set for life.
You can't really do a hit piece anymore that could ruin me.
