Andrew Schulz and Akaash Singh dissect Jimmy Kimmel's firing following Charlie Kirk's assassination, arguing that FCC pressure represents a dangerous free speech attack comparable to conditions in India. They contrast this with tech oligarchs like Sam Altman and Elon Musk, whom they criticize for transhumanist ambitions to merge consciousness with computers while ignoring physical reality. The conversation also covers TikTok's algorithmic differences, the ethics of animal rights regarding Michael Vick, and the gentrification of NYC neighborhoods, ultimately questioning whether modern society values irrationality or digital detachment. [Automatically generated summary]
Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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Cancel Culture Backlash00:14:48
We got to stop calling people Nazis.
I agree with that.
Sidney Sweeney got called a Nazi.
Like, well, we're here.
I call her Titler.
Have you had this moment of having a kid yet where like you try to be intimate and there's all sorts of baby monitor in the room?
Oh, I'll f my wife with a Bjorn on.
Come on, what are you talking about?
But how do you speak to her?
What's the secret?
It's awkward.
I totally get it because it's your wife.
But I think you got to just get over that hump.
So not for nothing.
You know, you and your wife, you get a little angry at each other.
This the baby can wear on a marriage.
If she likes some crazy shit, you can get that anger out.
You know who had great sex?
Chris Brown or Rihanna.
You gotta line up.
I can't act.
I've auditioned for 9,000 rolls.
I've never gotten one.
So you'd be behind the scenes if we moved on.
Yeah, I'd rather do Woody Allen and, you know, Asian.
Too soon given.
But yeah.
Like you're having a good week.
Charlie Kirk died and Canelo lost.
What's up, guys?
We do have an amazing episode with Mark Norman, but we just found out that Jimmy Kimmel got fired after we finished recording.
We wanted to address it.
First things first, we have to address Charlie Kirk getting murdered.
Nobody here condones that behavior.
That's horrendous.
You cannot kill anybody for what they say.
So just so you know our beliefs, we're going to have a lot of laughs after.
But then the Jimmy Kimmel thing just broke, so we have to address that.
So is this crazy?
This is crazy, right?
What exactly are the facts of what happened?
Jimmy Kimmel, as well, I'm not the fat guy.
I read it to you.
Forgot it already.
Jimmy Kimmel, you got it?
You're facts.
Miles is facts.
Jimmy Kimmel said something on the Kimmel show about the MAGA people trying to make the Charlie Kirk shooter a leftist, but we all know he was MAGA.
That's essentially what he said.
FCC chairman says, hey, you guys should watch your fucking mouth essentially because there could be consequences.
Then two big affiliates, I think NextGen and Sinclair Media, both say we're taking Jimmy Kimmel indefinitely off the air.
So like if you live in, I don't know, Poughkeepsie, and your affiliate is Sinclair, you're not going to get to see Jimmy Kimmel.
That's just what it is because there's all these little local affiliates that control the channels.
And then ABC eventually just says, you know what?
We are pulling Jimmy Kimmel completely off the air.
The thing that is interesting is I think NextGen is trying to go through this huge merger with another company.
And that merger requires FCC approval.
So if the FCC is putting pressure on them, like, hey, there could be consequences.
That's going to prompt you to be like, you know what?
Let's just pull Jimmy Kimmel off the air.
So this seems like a big attack on free speech.
And yeah, I think we've been pretty staunchly in favor of free speech.
And it is funny to watch right-wing people just become left-wing people.
Because I said something about how you're a snowflake if you think you should be.
If you agree with this, that's some snowflake shit.
And somebody was like, you clearly don't even know what the First Amendment means.
And that's exactly what left-wing people used to tell me.
Freedom of speech doesn't mean freedom from consequences.
Right.
So y'all have just switched.
Yeah.
Now, again, this has nothing to do with what happened to Charlie Kirk.
That's a fucking horrendous thing.
Let's get that out of the way.
But in terms of censorship, freedom of speech is more under attack now, honestly, than I think it has ever been.
I don't know if that's me being hyperbolic.
Maybe.
I mean, as far as what Jimmy said, I think it's untrue or at least untrue.
I don't agree with what he said.
I don't like what he said.
We should also say that.
I don't agree with what he said.
I don't like what he said.
He should be allowed to say it.
And what happened to Charlie Kirk is worse.
Charlie Kirk should have been allowed to say the things we didn't like.
Jimmy Kimmel should be allowed to say the things we didn't like.
That's just what America is.
And freedom of speech, I've seen it truly under attack in India where it's like you can go to jail.
This is closer to that than I think what the left was doing.
Yeah.
Which is like the FCC putting, as much as we didn't like left-wing shit, like far-left policy or far-left, whatever, thoughts, it wasn't like Joe Biden was putting pressure on somebody to get canceled for saying retard.
You see what I'm saying?
That's what makes this different and scarier to me and closer to what India has.
Then that's what makes it an actual attack on free speech to me.
Yeah.
Jimmy's comments were inaccurate, but that was recorded on Monday when we weren't still clear yet all of the motives.
I think things were still unclear, but he shouldn't have said it.
He shouldn't have said it.
That's, I think we will just say that you didn't rush your judgment.
But we all make mistakes.
Every one of us has said a thing that's stupid or whatever.
That is part of doing this thing.
Jimmy Kimmel's been on air for decades.
Of course, he said multiple stupid things.
I said multiple stupid things in eight years of doing a podcast.
You should be allowed to say stupid things.
Stupid things every day.
You know what I mean?
We're saying stupid stuff on this episode.
Yeah, there's things on this episode that, and Miles is just stupid.
Miles gave me the worst fucking.
We were like, how do we do this?
How do I address this?
Miles gave up halfway through.
He was like, just be like, hey, guys, a new emergency announcement.
Big things.
What the fuck is going on here?
Yeah.
I mean, again, I do think it's important to delineate like the free speech thing like we did whenever people on the right got canceled, where it's like, yeah, you have oppression from the government.
That's like what the First Amendment protects, right?
Yeah.
Where it's like, okay, you can't, the government can't stop you from saying what you want, but private companies can do whatever they want to, which is what people on the left said whenever people on the right got canceled, right?
As long as you're not invoking violence, you have the right to say right.
So like, but in this case, it seems like if the FCC, which again, I don't know if this is the case, if the FCC is applying pressure, like it does feel.
They did say there could be consequences and they found some workaround.
They essentially made us public servants because we're on the Jimmy Kimmel is not, and he shouldn't be as political as he is, but he's not a political correspondent.
I don't give a fuck.
I don't care.
So the FCC saying there could be consequences off rip.
That's a fact.
They said that.
You can't do it.
Yeah, I don't like that.
That's a big attack.
And if, look, if you are a staunch Trump guy, you should be upset about this.
And it's okay to be wrong.
I was charmed by him when he had him on the podcast.
Even if I didn't vote for him, I liked him.
Okay.
It seems motherfucker lied about everything.
And that's what it is.
We'll eat our crow or whatever.
But also, if you're a staunch Trump guy, I think you should really look at, oh, this guy said in the inauguration, I'm going to pass an executive order to ban government, to end government censorship and make speech free again or whatever it was that he said.
You said that in your inauguration.
What happened?
And we got to mention, so after Stephen Colbert got fired, Trump did say, oh, and Jimmy Kimball is next to go.
He said that publicly.
Hey, guys, when we act like, hold on.
The guy can get shit done.
You know what I mean?
Everybody's like, hey, he does nothing.
He does.
He gets shit done.
That's true.
He said he was going to get rid of abortion, got rid of that shit.
He said he's going to get people fired.
Got people fired.
So I just didn't know what he could get done and what he couldn't get done.
That's on me.
But the guy could get shit done.
He's taking away amendments.
So it's like, he's good.
Hey, I don't, again, I don't.
I wish we could make more light of it.
Again, this literally happened last night.
And then we were like, we have this episode coming out.
So we just have to address it.
Is there anything else you guys want to say?
I just think it's fucking crazy and we should all be a little bit upset about this.
But talking to my conservative friends, like there is a feeling of getting even.
So you mean talking to your friend?
Exactly.
Exactly.
Talking with myself in my head.
There is a feeling of getting even where it's like, okay, yeah, like Jimmy Kimmel said something.
It wasn't really a joke.
It was kind of just like a statement of fact that was just erroneous or misleading.
And so now he's feeling what we have felt for the past eight years.
And to me, I'm like, sure.
And my friends are like, well, you have Roseanne, you have this person, this person, this person, all got canceled for their political beliefs.
And I'm like, yeah, that was dumb and wrong.
And Greece is also dumb and wrong, but I don't have any interest in getting even.
Like, I think the idea of getting even is like vengeance-based.
And I just see that as being more destructive.
And to me, that indicates that, like, back when the left was trying to cancel people on the right, you don't really care about living in harmony with these people that you have to be in this country with.
Yeah.
The left and the right, we're not going to go away.
Like, you're not going to have a civil war.
You're not going to get people out of the country.
Or at least I don't think anyone should be wanting that.
We don't want that.
Yeah.
So to me, I'm like, you got to live with these people.
Let's figure out a way to make it work and not trying to have this vengeance-based like scorekeeping where it's like, no, you guys canceled 10 of our guys.
So we're going to get rid of 10 of your guys.
Sorry, real quick.
You know, getting even is to me, getting to say whatever we want.
That's getting even.
We can say retard again or whatever thing that they think that's all we cared about.
But you could say retard again, where even free speech is free.
Yeah.
What are you going to say?
I don't know.
I don't want to cut you up.
But yeah, to me, that's getting even.
Getting even is now we can all say what we'd ever want to say, whatever we want to say.
And I bet you have way more fun on the left.
I bet people on the left are going to really enjoy things.
And now look at that.
We were right.
Hey, isn't it better to be right than get even?
Well, I mean, yes.
I love being right.
Yeah.
Hey, I was right about XYZ.
You're getting even.
Huh?
You like getting even.
No, but not as much as I love.
How happy do I get when I say a guy sucks and then you guys finally realize it?
And I'm like, I fucking, don't I?
Oh, yeah, you do love it.
I love being right.
It's my favorite thing.
But you also say, oh, I'm going to get that fucking guy.
Spring off.
Bro, maybe you're saying it a lot about this little guy because it seems like it's often there is a human inclination, a human desire to get even.
And I think that that's what's happening here.
Okay.
And I would just implore anyone that feels that feeling to get even, like, hey, let's just try to work together.
Which is very gay.
Like, no one thinks that's a cool position to take.
Like, hey, guys, we're going to live in harmony and just create a for that, right?
That's not going to get me because the right is in power.
So I can say you're a big we will believe it, okay?
Because the liberal FCC is going to come for us.
But I just think, like, yeah, dude, can we not just try to figure out how to like work?
I don't know.
We're in scary times.
Like, I don't like people are maybe not taking this as seriously as they should.
Hey, well, this is scary.
At least he only has three years and three months left.
Why do yo, shit was calm when we just had his fucking brain-dead motherfucker?
Brain-dead body.
Oh my God.
No one was happy, but this is worse.
Oh, my God.
This is.
Oh, my God.
These motherfuckers getting shot.
Like, come on.
There's a way to get unity.
I'm like, I don't know.
I think I was talking to a guy who's like, after MOK was killed, RFK, Bobby Sr., was running for president.
He was like making a bid and he had a huge portion of the black vote.
And black people really trusted him.
And he came out and was like, hey, guys, let's just all bring the temperature down.
He didn't try to like antagonize like worked out well for him.
It worked out really well for him.
This is what happens to peacemakers.
You know what I mean?
He got shot so hard in the head, his son's throat got fucked up.
Damn.
Jesus.
That is wild.
That is wild.
Think of the transitive property of that headshot that your son's throat is fucked up.
Think about that.
Is that not nuts?
Maybe you shouldn't call for peace.
Look what happens to the people that try to make I apologize in advance, the FCC.
Suck my dick.
Yeah, dude.
Gandhi, Jesus.
Gandhi, honestly.
Do we have to watch out now?
If you want peace, if you just want vengeance, then I think you're fine.
If you want peace, then they kill you.
So, I don't know.
Take your side, you all.
So it's good time for you, right?
You only want to be celebrated.
I'm good.
And I'm not celebrating this.
No, I know, but it's time to go to war.
Oh, I'm looking at it.
I'm ready.
See, see, see?
No, the other caveat I want to make is: is there a world where they were trying to get rid of Jimmy Kimmel for years because the show's not making money?
The numbers don't really make sense.
And then he slipped up with this thing and they go, oh, great.
This is our chance to get rid of him.
Again, I don't know, but I'm trying to cover partial of that could be true.
I think it sounds like another Steve Colbert situation.
So the parent company wants to do this big merger.
The FCC has to approve the merger.
Kimmel says something that, you know, Trump administration doesn't like.
And so they're like, hey, he has to go.
Pushback on that.
It's not the parent company who wants to do a merger.
It's the broadcasting owners that want to do a merger, which is separate from Disney.
They were putting pressure on Disney.
I think Disney went, oh, yeah, we can do it.
So yeah, I guess NextGen who has a bunch of ABC affiliates or whatever that company is called.
There's two.
Yeah.
There's Sinclair have a bunch of ABC affiliates.
They were putting pressure on Disney.
And the FCC chair was putting pressure on Disney as well, I think.
If I'm not mistaken.
Yeah, he was.
He openly mentioned Kimmel a few times, ABC and Disney a few times.
That's crazy.
The day of the day.
Don't we got bigger shit to worry about?
It's a global war about to break out.
I don't, I know you're FCC.
That's kind of your job is to focus on, but like, just focus on just the fucking global war that's about to happen.
Everyone.
Yeah, but they got a multi-billion dollar merger that they're trying to do.
Like that's the only thing they're caring about right now.
So I understand that from a business aspect, but it's scary that that wasn't even that bad of a comment to take somebody off air for is crazy.
Yeah, I mean, it wasn't a good comment, but it was on the right.
You hear that and you're like, dude, what?
Here's what I'll defend the right with this.
The stuff that the left was canceling right people four, five, eight, 10 years ago, whatever, 12 years ago, we were like, that's not Shangillis.
That wasn't bad.
Oh, that's true.
You know what I mean?
So like, they are, here's what I'll say.
It's the same thing, but the far left was poor.
They were losers who lived off their parents' baristas.
They had no power.
The far, well, seemingly these people who are canceling now are powerful, dog.
If you own multiple affiliate news stations, if you could put pressure on Disney, that's power.
So I think it's, it's similar, but what's a little scarier is these guys have a lot more power than these guys.
And then, I mean, Schultz even came on the story.
Oh, yeah.
Schultz had a great take.
He said basically this, like, people on the left will say, fascism is wrong unless you kill one of our political opponents and then we'll celebrate it.
And then people on the right are saying, cancel culture is wrong unless you cancel the shows of our political opponents and then we'll celebrate it.
And then his next story says, do you think Charlie Kirk would support the canceling of people for exercising their free speech?
That's a great point.
That's a fucking great point.
I think far left and far right is what he meant more so, but that is a fucking Charlie Kirk would not.
Charlie Kirk got destroyed on South Park and thought it was hilarious.
Yeah.
So it's his profile picture.
Speaking of seeing the South Park, not to derail us, I heard that they just canceled their episode or postponed it.
I think they released a statement that was like, hey, the episode just wasn't ready.
South Park Free Speech00:05:02
This one's on us.
But that does seem a little weird.
It does seem a little for 25 years.
You've been ready.
They also didn't pull their own Charlie Kirk episode.
The cable providers pulled it after his death.
Okay.
South Park had no choice in that.
It was a comedy central or whoever runs their thing.
Got it.
Okay.
And that is, I think we should, because I don't mind that as much, and I'm trying to think why.
And I think because that's not a cancellation.
That's taking out like a thing that is.
It'll probably, it's also going to probably go back on the air.
Like if we had a joke we didn't like in a special or that ended up being very poorly timed, we would just hopefully take the joke out of the special, keep the special.
That's what I think South Park is essentially doing.
But South Park's not doing it is his distinction.
Yeah, yeah, fair, fair.
But either way, I don't feel like that's if a network was like, if I sold a special Netflix and they're like, hey, can you take out that joke because someone just got killed, assassinated?
I'd be like, I get it.
Yeah.
I don't think that's, I think that's in the gray area.
But I think what's happening here is just objectively fucked.
Yo.
All right.
You want to have some laughs with Mark Norman?
I think we should.
Let's just, let's just find peace.
Shout out to FCC.
You're great.
Yeah.
Alex said it.
I don't believe it, but Alex said it.
We're going to stay on air.
Guys, in light of the assassination of last week, we had to bring on one of the world's foremost political experts, voices on all tragic events.
Mark Norman's in the day.
What's up, baby?
You're good to be back.
I can feel the warmth of Buddha Jidge.
This is nice.
That might have been Foley.
Dude, you're leaving America to go to Europe at the perfect time.
This shit is all falling apart.
And you have a European tour.
I'm bringing free speech to Europe and debate me.
Prove me wrong.
That's open now, right?
I can use that.
No, I can't wait.
Yeah, I got to get out of here.
It's too hot.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, where are you going?
You're doing the Saudi shows.
You're doing Athens.
Yep.
Oslo, Helsinki.
These are all awesome places.
Yeah, a lot of whites.
Yeah.
Very exciting.
Dude, in Saudi Arabia, you're playing the Muhammad Ali Theater for a second.
Oh, yeah.
Look at that.
Oh, that's fire.
Isn't that the same?
No, that's not.
That's not Ali.
No, no, I think it is.
Yeah, I can't wait.
I had a little hope.
I was like, oh, shit.
It might be okay for me over there.
You're having a good week.
Charlie Kirk died and Canelo lost.
What's his name?
Crawford.
And the shooter was white.
Yes.
Yeah, that's the best.
He wasn't.
He was Mormon.
We've talked about this.
He was Mormon.
That's not white.
You got to claim your white.
I would say that's the ultimate white.
Yeah.
That's true.
Can I be honest?
I think if he was black, I'd have less faith in him being a long-range shooter.
I feel like that's one of the few sporting events where white people really dominate.
You can hold a rifle sideways.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Rifle out of a car.
There's no DEI for mass shooters.
Yeah, yeah.
When they said 200 yards, I knew.
There's no way.
That would be nice to see more black mass shooters.
You know what I mean?
Like, I just feel like DEI-wise, it'd be nice to see you guys represented.
I think that you just want the heat off of you, but that's fine.
That would be nice, also.
That's DIE.
Wait, so you had a clip that you weren't sure if you should put out.
Can we talk about it?
You don't have to say what the clip was.
Sure, sure.
It's coming out.
I'm going to put it out tomorrow, but I did a show in Canada.
So I was like, let's talk about how fucked up America is.
And it went well, but now I'm just, I don't want to shit on the death, but I still want to make it funny.
Yeah.
So it's a real tightrope, but I think I nailed it.
Yeah.
Oh, I'm excited.
Let's go.
Yeah, it is a thing where it's like, look, it's horrible.
This guy died.
Yes.
You shouldn't die because of what you say.
We say whatever the fuck we want to say, but our job is also to make it funny.
Exactly.
So what do you do?
And that was just something someone called out, or were you cooking that up?
I was cooking it up.
Any big event, I try to have somewhat of a take on.
Yeah, you turn over material incredibly quickly.
I'm always very impressed.
Hey, thank you.
You're filming another special.
Yeah, next week.
Yeah, in Colorado.
Ooh, nice.
So I'll try to sell that to 4chan or whoever will see what happens.
It's a whole different game now.
But I think the short clips are really what pop, you know?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Does anyone want to watch an hour anymore?
I don't even know.
No, I know, but then you cut the hour into short clips, and then there you go.
It's nice to have like a piece, you know what I mean?
Right, right.
So we'll see.
But the hour's cooking, it's tight as a drum, and I've been running it for two years, and it's ready to get out.
Yeah, you took a good time.
That's good.
You took two years with it.
Everybody's putting specials out every 10 minutes.
I'm like, hey, slow down.
Slow down.
I agree.
Put out one good one.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Do you take time off between specials or you just hop right back in?
I go back in.
I'm a psycho and I got a kid now.
I got to get out.
I thought you'd be taking time off now with the baby boy.
I'm joking.
Yeah, I love the boy.
He's in that Uber.
Yeah, yeah.
No, it's great.
I'm really having a great time with this fat little homo.
You know, I have another Matt McCoy's a comedian friend of ours.
He thinks his son is gay.
His son's like, and he just, there's pictures of him like leaning like this.
And he's like, that kid is gay.
It's okay, but he's gay.
Left-Wing Conspiracy Theories00:04:46
Yeah, yeah.
Do you feel like your kid is...
No, I was just joking, but I don't think he's gay.
But you never know it if he wasn't.
I live in Brooklyn, so he'd be the man.
He's going to be gay.
Yeah.
Or trance.
Right.
Yeah.
Who knows?
You know, Mamdani.
Oh, yeah.
I assume.
Or Gail, is that allowed?
I think that's encouraged.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
Is he practicing the, what is it called?
The Likia?
No, no, he's.
What's that called?
Taki?
I don't know.
I wish I knew.
I should have.
It's a Muslim thing where you pretend to like and then you give that a goo.
Takiya, I think is the word.
It's called socialism.
Muslims will do this in order to blend into hostile environments.
Thank you.
So they kind of pretend they're not really Muslim until the time is right.
They're not like for Sharia and then sleeper cells.
Yeah.
You think that's what Zoran's going?
He fucking loves Zoran.
This guy.
I like him because he's brown, but Alex like loves him.
Really?
Yeah, I just like that he's trying to shake shit up.
I like that he's different.
You know, I like shaking up, but I feel like he's the trump of the left where he's like, I'll say that.
Oh, yeah, we'll build that wall.
We'll make Mexicans pay for it.
Yeah, he's like, free buses and grocery stores or whatever.
I'm like, is that going to work?
Yeah.
It's nice.
Yeah, let's give him a try.
It's four years, and then if it don't work, we'll go right back to the status quo.
There you go.
Have you seen the conspiracy theory that Trump had Charlie Kirk assassinated so we could get the heat off of him and Epstein?
I did see that.
If he did that, it was effective.
Because I had completely forgotten that letter existed.
Like, we were talking about that.
What letter?
Dude, we talked.
We recorded an episode right before Charlie Kirk got killed.
We talked about the letter.
Since that happened, no one's brought it up.
We haven't, in our group chat, nobody said a word.
Oh, great genius chess move, if it's true.
But I think he liked the Kirk, and I know Baron Trump loved him.
Yeah.
Sometimes you play chess, you got to sacrifice your favorite piece.
You know what I mean?
Sometimes when Brooke got it, go.
Well, nobody loves Charlie Kirk's death more than the Charlotte stabbing guy.
Oh, he's like, oh, thank God.
Which one is he?
You know him.
Oh, that guy.
The Ukrainian.
The Ukrainian woman.
The Indian dude got beheaded in Dallas.
Nobody cares.
I feel like Charlie Kirk took the credit, like took the attention away from this guy.
The head of the machete.
No.
This is insane.
What?
Machete?
Machete.
Holy shit.
Over a dispute because he, I guess he was talking to the guy, this Mexican dude, or I don't know where he's from, but he's Latino.
And then he was trying to use a translator, and that guy was upset that he felt he needed a translator and then just beheaded him and then started playing soccer with his head or some crazy shit like that.
It's really crazy.
Wow.
Yeah.
You can see like the CCTV is just like holding his head like fucking Aztec shit.
Just like walking around.
Oh, like Kathry Griffin.
Horrendous.
Wow.
Horrendous.
It's a good week to murder.
I guess you can just get away with everything.
Yeah.
Exactly.
As long as you're not the main story.
Yeah.
Yeah, dude.
Good week.
Oh, man.
Did you see the letter from the killer or the text that leaked?
Yes.
Oh, yeah.
Do you have any fun theories on this?
Or are you just kind of like letting it all happen?
And then the text felt phony to me.
Felt crazy.
It felt very forced.
Pull up the texture.
It felt like Chad GBT wrote it.
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
It had no Gen Z. He's like a big meme, furry, queef, this kid.
So you'd think there'd be a little couple more.
Yeah, he's a griper.
Yes.
I'm gonna pretend I know what that means.
There'd be more emojis and like, yeah, no emojis.
What do you call abbreviations?
You know, like WTF or whatever they say.
Yeah, yeah, dude, a machine gun emoji or something.
Yeah, and I text a lot of children.
They don't use punctuation kids now.
They're like, what time should I meet you?
And there's no question mark.
There's no commas.
Yeah.
I'm also wondering maybe they took this and like maybe like changed it for the brief because they don't actually have the or something's up because it feels weird.
They're covering their bases a lot too.
They're like, oh yeah, I buried the gun here.
And oh yeah, who sounds like it?
Exactly.
Who texts their exactly what you want?
Nobody's dishonest with their significant other.
That's true.
That's a good point.
Every time I hang out with my friends, I tell my wife I left 30 minutes before I actually did.
And I'm like, traffic.
I just want to have fun for 30 more minutes.
This guy killed someone and he's going to be like, well, no, this is how I did it.
This is where I left the weapon.
No chance.
This is why I did it.
There's no exclamation points from the person.
Like, what?
Right.
Yeah.
Right.
You fucking killed someone?
Why are you texting me?
Yeah.
I don't want to be an accessory.
Yeah, true.
Now, I've also heard the theory that this guy did this knowing that it'd be found in order to frame the left.
This is a left-wing conspiracy going around.
Wait a minute.
I like this.
So he put these texts in there in order to frame the left to make it be like, yeah, this is why I did it because of left-wing.
Oh, so he's going to go to jail, though, but he did it.
He actually did it.
This is the theory.
Framing the Opposition00:12:43
Nobody cares that much.
He planted the text himself in order to be found and gives like a motivation, yada, yada, yada.
Not the left.
Yes.
I see.
Mafia members snitch on their fucking brothers if they're like, if there's any chance of getting out of the crime, this guy's going to commit a crime, go to jail, get murdered so he can make the left look bad.
Start a civil war.
That's accelerationist.
Shut up.
Yeah, I don't buy it.
Not you.
The mental gymnastics people go through for their side to win and all this.
It's all sad, and we all got to get offline.
And we got to stop calling people Nazis.
Yeah.
I agree with that.
Sidney Sweeney got called a Nazi.
Like, well, we're here.
I call her Titler.
But yeah, it's like, come on.
We just, the fascist, I don't think people know what fascism means anymore.
Sydney Sweeney is a Nazi.
Simon.
Hitler was right.
Not about the Jewish shit, but about a master race.
That's the master race.
A bunch of Sidney Sweeneys.
That's not masterful to you.
And I don't even normally like the milk, as they say, about white women.
But Sidney Sweeney, Margaret Robbie, these women are ice cream.
Everybody likes it.
It's delicious.
Let's not act like it's not.
Yeah.
I think all of us here like white women.
There's definitely attractive white women.
They're my least, they're the lowest on my rate.
Yeah.
Wow.
Yeah.
What's top?
Indian, obviously.
Okay.
Second, I don't know, man.
Black, Mexican, Asian.
They're all kind of in there.
Interesting.
What about you?
I mean, dude, I'm married.
Dude.
Are you married so you can't answer?
No, I'm married, so I'll take whatever.
I'll fuck.
Yeah, dude.
I'm not discerning at all.
As long as there's not like a full mustache, but even if there's a little one, I'll do it.
You know what I'm saying?
I don't give a shit.
Yeah, bring on a Greek.
Whatever.
You're a New Orleans guy.
You have like a lot of you hook up with a lot of black girls.
I hooked up with four my life.
There we go.
But three were here.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
I feel like the black women here are more open-minded than in Down South.
Down South is like, you know, your white boy.
Yeah, but I feel like you could work with a black girl somehow.
You're just like so disarming and so different that they'd be like, ah, fuck that guy.
Yeah, I'll take it.
I'll take it.
One time I banged a black gal years ago on the road and I looked on her fridge and she had a picture of her boyfriend with like a heart around it and he looked exactly like me.
And I was like, oh my God.
They had just broken up or something and I was like, oh, she's doing like a revenge honky fest.
Yeah, yeah.
Wow.
Yeah.
Pretty hot.
Did you wear his clothes?
Did you see any character?
It's a good method, right?
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Al likes white women the most in this room, but outside of that.
I like Latinas.
Can't go wrong with Latina.
You can't go wrong with Latinas.
The problem with Latinas is the intimidating, the gyrating, and all the stuff up top.
You're like, I can't keep up.
Like, they're twerking and popping and locking.
Yeah.
Yeah.
There's a lot of energy.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I'm not even, I'm not even concerned about satisfying a woman.
It's not going to happen.
Yeah.
Why'd you concern with things that couldn't happen anyway?
Well, you want to try.
You want to give it a go, but yeah, it's not in the cards.
I think we need to try trans.
I think we need to give it a whirl.
Because if this guy got radicalized from it.
Oh.
Oh, I thought you said trains, like we all fuck a girl.
And I was like, what just happened?
Pencil that, because that's also a good idea.
We can look into that as well.
I need to look at Al's giant dick, dude.
He'll go last.
I'm going to talk about it.
Yeah, you'll go last.
Exactly, dude.
Back of the train.
I think we just need to.
I think if this guy got radicalized from it, it must be worth giving a second look at.
So he went from Trump to trans.
Well, he was Trump.
Yeah.
He comes from a MAGA family, it seems like.
So people are presuming.
Our theory that we were talking about before is that he might have gone on a Mormon mission.
We think maybe he went to Thailand.
And then when he's in Thailand.
Oh, ladyboy.
There it is, right?
He met a couple of them.
He's like, wait a second, this is to die for.
Yeah.
Yeah, literally.
How about that?
That was the moment, dude.
We should call Norton.
He's the only guy I know who's married to a trans woman.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, they're married, dude.
How long have they been married?
They've been married a while, right?
Two, three years, yeah.
God bless, dude.
Huge hog on this trans.
Really?
Oh, yeah.
Wait, really?
Is he like lol?
Everything.
Wow.
He's a fan.
Yeah.
Oh, shit.
I thought you guys were joking this whole time.
This is for real.
That's her.
Yeah.
Oh, wow.
That's a pretty lady.
She's, what do you call it?
Nordic.
Oh.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Look at that.
Emphasis on the dick.
Hey, and we all missed that one.
Yeah, wow.
She's cool as hell, and they are madly in love.
Remember, when we talked to Daisy Taylor and her boyfriend?
Yeah.
And the boyfriend was like, yeah, dude, I've done gay stuff and I've been with a trans woman.
It's different.
His words.
This is a lady's dick.
Yeah.
You're like, all right, I'm listening.
Yeah.
Wow.
Yeah, dude.
As you know, I've been blown by a man.
Oh, that's right.
We talked about it all the last time.
I do remember this.
I remember that.
I'd forgotten and I'm recoping.
Well, I didn't know it was a man.
I was fooled.
Yeah.
Okay, okay, okay.
He was a magician.
Yeah, yeah.
It was David Blaine.
Yeah.
So got a, you know, a lady of the night and got the beach.
And then boobs were rock hard.
Wig was falling off.
Dick was rock hard.
Yeah.
And put a condom on.
Still finished in like eight seconds.
Nice.
Knew the equipment.
Oh, yeah.
Oh.
That should have been telling.
Yeah.
Yeah, dude.
I didn't even think about that.
Oh, yeah.
Maybe, yeah, maybe they are the best at like at least head.
Yeah, exactly.
Definitely.
Yeah.
Very good.
Definitely.
Like, yelling at my wife, like, come on, be a man.
Suck that dick.
I'm telling you, incels and trans are the best combination.
Like, nobody wants to fuck them.
They can just fucking.
That's genius.
That, honestly, could solve all shootings.
Yeah.
Exactly.
I mean, it cost one just now, but that's true.
That's a good point.
That's true.
But not mass shootings, at least.
This was a single chop.
Yeah.
Just lowering the number.
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah, it's progress.
Yeah, we're trying to get to zero.
Yeah, but you can't get to zero immediately.
Yeah, exactly.
Does this count as a school shooting?
Because it is on a campus.
That is a fucking great question.
Yeah.
And there was another one that day.
You know, we got probably, we have two in a day now.
Yeah.
And one trumps another one.
Yeah.
Crazy.
What a country.
Yeah.
Going to Europe.
Catch this guy in Dublin.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's right.
Guys, special announcement.
Huge flagrant announcement.
We are doing the first ever flagrant live show.
It is going to be at the Dubai Comedy Festival on October 7th.
Buy your tickets.
You can go to the Dubai Festival website.
You can go to akashing.com.
You can go to theandrewschultz.com.
It's going to be fucking great.
I'm so excited to do this.
We've been talking about doing it for years.
We're finally doing it.
October 7th, Coca-Cola Arena.
We're doing arenas, baby, right out of the gate.
Come through.
We'll see y'all there.
Also, guys, date, September 25th through 27th.
I'm coming to Cleveland.
I'm going to be at Hilarities.
Dubai, we added 600 seats.
We sold out the 1200.
They're moving shit around.
I don't know how they're doing it, but they're adding 600 seats.
October 17th through 19th, I'm going to be at the Comedy Connection in East Providence, Rhode Island.
All those dates and more at akashing.com.
Also, San Jose, hurry up and buy those are selling out.
Also, I announced that I had invested in that chai company, Fontanias, and they opened a second location called Fonties in the West Village.
Guys, thank y'all so much.
There was a line so long on Saturday, they literally sold out of food.
So I just want to say thank you.
If you have not been, it's the best chai maybe in the country.
Fonty's in the West Village or Fontania's in Brooklyn.
Hopefully all over the country soon.
Shouts to my people.
Love y'all.
Hey, guys.
Really quick dates announcement.
I'm going to be at the Coca-Cola Arena in Dubai.
I'm also going to be in Nashville, Tennessee, and Mobile, Alabama, New Orleans, Louisiana, Denver, Colorado.
You can suck his dick in any of these cities.
I'm also, I'm also going to be.
Can you scroll down miles?
I'm going to be in Opuk in Philly for a while.
And drugs dick.
Anyway, thank you guys so much.
You can get your dickets and suck his dick.
I'll see you guys there, Mark.
That's the gay show.
But yeah, another school shooting in Denver that day.
And those poor kids are just like, it's like when Farrah Fawcett died.
Same day as Michael Jackson.
Same day as Michael Jackson.
That was so crazy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Tell him he usurped it.
Yeah.
Well, she died of colon cancer, which I'm kind of okay with.
If I died of colon cancer, I'd be okay with y'all not thinking about it.
I'm just some sex symbol, and then I die of ass cancer.
Yeah.
Yeah, keep it hushed a little bit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just remember the way I live.
Not that I die.
I don't know.
I just feel like it taints the hotness of her.
Really?
Yeah.
I didn't even know she had colon cancer.
Yeah, right?
I didn't know that.
I know things, dude.
I love white women.
Yeah.
Damn, all right.
Farah Fawcett was a joint, dude, back in the day.
She was an absolute joint.
Smoke show.
Yeah.
Look at that.
She's iconic.
Beautiful woman.
You know, it's wild.
I just look it up.
You're saying very kindly colon cancer online.
You Google cause of death.
Anal cancer.
Oh.
I said it kindly.
Ain't that on?
It takes a little bit of the spark out of that.
That's crazy.
I want to do my two favorite things.
I would fuck her in the ass hoping to get analytical.
If you knew it was contagious, still get the world.
Still do it.
I mean, just absolutely beautiful, girl.
Beautiful.
Cindy Sweeney of her time.
The Nazi of her time.
And natural.
Isn't it weird?
Like kids aren't fucking anymore.
They say young people don't have sex, whatever.
It's way down.
But yet, women are fat tits.
Oh, they look the best they've ever been.
They look the best they've ever been.
And we have blue chew coming out of the fucking vending machine.
Kids still can't get laid.
Yeah.
Back in my day, you couldn't get it up.
And women aged like milk.
And you still did it, though.
And we still did it.
And we were happy to do it.
And you battled.
Yes.
You're going to tell your kid that.
You're like, back in my day.
Yeah.
We're fucking dogs.
Yeah.
My grandma was like, We had to walk eight miles uphill through the snow.
And I'm like, we couldn't get it up.
You guys had Bluetooth for free.
We had to fuck natural women.
Yeah.
That's disgusting.
Exactly.
Our women didn't have penises.
You know what I mean?
We had nothing going for us.
That is true.
Oh, yeah.
Here's a stand-up question.
We're talking about kids.
Has your material changed at all having a kid?
How?
And how have you changed?
Well, I don't want to be, I do have baby stuff because you can't not.
You got a baby.
Of course.
Hero coming at you.
It's crazy.
Like you get the whole Louis thing.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But you don't want to be the baby guy.
You don't want to be like, I love my kid.
I'm sappy now.
I'm the sentimental guy.
So you got to still make it funny and with some edge.
I say be it's no problem being the sappy guy, but that's who you are.
I can't do it.
I can't do it.
If you're becoming a sappy guy, isn't that more honest?
I guess, but it's less funny.
If it's honest with you, if it's only sap, yeah, you don't want to be only sap.
Then you do it a one-man here.
So you got to still keep it silly and fun and dark a little bit.
So I try to walk that line as well.
Yeah, because I think Louie did a good job of being the family guy while not being corny.
Yeah, I mean, he literally said, I understand the baby in the dumpster thing.
That was one of his great bits.
Yeah.
Which is weird because he said women would come up to him after, like, I needed to hear that.
You know, all these sad moms are like, that meant the world to me.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, no, I absolutely, I think that makes complete sense.
But yeah, I was just curious.
So you do have baby stuff, but you're still working all the time.
I know you do.
Mark's one of the first comics I met in New York that wasn't a loser.
It is funny.
Mark Marin talks about how non-inclusive we are.
That time when they ran things, they hated me.
Mark was always nice.
But so many people were just like, why are you talking about race?
And I was like, I don't know.
I'm an Indian dude.
Five years after 9-11 or whatever.
Like, I'm going to talk about it.
I got the same shit.
People were like, whoa, what's all with all the dark shit?
I'm like, have you heard Prior?
Have you heard Carlo?
That's about to hear.
They police comedy way more than we did.
Way more than we did.
Oh, yeah.
Also, they'd be like, don't punch down.
I'm like, you're mean to me.
You're like way above me and you're fucking punched down on me.
Yeah.
So yeah.
But it was hypocrite shit.
It's having known you, you're a farmer.
You're a workhorse.
You never stop.
And then with a kid, you made some good money, I assume.
You're not, you feel like you still got to be out there.
Well, I'm a weirdo, and I feel like if I get my foot off the gas, I'll just hit a wall and collide, and I'll never be able to get it back.
Algorithmic Content Wars00:05:30
Yeah.
You ever take four days off and you go back on stage?
You're like, how do I do this again?
What am I doing?
You get it back pretty quickly.
You get it back quick, but I also like to work.
And we're so lucky.
I used to be a janitor.
I moved furniture.
I was a construction guy.
So like talking on stage or writing jokes, it's just like, if I get to do this, I'm doing it.
Yeah.
You know, I feel like Mexican?
Yeah, I switched so I could stay.
Yeah, I just felt like I feel like we got it so lucky.
We're so comics, it gets real easy to get lazy.
Yeah.
You know, and because we have that those opportunities.
Like, I can take a night off here.
I can take a weekend off there.
I can go on a trip.
So I think I just want to curb that a little and still stay working because other people have to go to nine to five every day.
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
What's the longest break you've taken?
Probably COVID because I had to.
So probably like a month.
Oh, and that was tough.
But that is when you really blew the fuck up.
Your special.
You and Shane out.
You had out to lunch.
Yes.
Shane had the special in Austin.
And both of those went crazy.
And that's when I remember seeing you just start really selling, Mike.
Oh, thanks.
Yeah, that was a big one for me.
I couldn't sell a ticket to save my life.
And then that came out.
I think 10 million views during COVID or something like that, which is crazy.
And that was when YouTube was a failure.
You know, that was back when, like, no one will buy it.
We got to put on YouTube.
And then luckily people needed content.
But now I think YouTube's kind of oversaturated.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, so you're grateful for China, is what you're saying.
Yeah, COVID caused a lot of shouts to Wuhan, dude.
Yeah, exactly.
Is TikTok going to go away?
What's the word?
Oh, it got bought by Larry Ellison, the Oracle guy.
Yeah.
Yeah, 80% he owns.
So I do think that's actually good.
I think so too.
Yeah.
Nobody wants to give Trump credit, but this is a good thing.
Okay.
For America, I think.
So China won't get our information?
I guess.
They'll still get it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, they'll still get it somehow.
Separate algorithm from global TikTok.
You know, it'd be funny if they still got our information and we had to use the dog shit algorithm from America.
That'd actually be the worst case scenario.
Yeah, damn, because they're not allowed to use it over there.
China's weird.
They won't use Facebook, Instagram.
We can't have our shit, but we'll take theirs.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Apparently, their TikTok.
Andrew said it not knowing it was true, but he was like, I said it as a joke, but it's apparently true.
They have a different TikTok, but you get fed a different algorithm for kids.
Well, apparently, my wife had a friend from China and she was like, no, our TikTok is like educational shit for kids.
We don't get the dances.
And we bitch over here, oh, everything's censored.
I'm like, that's fucking censored.
That's crazy.
Absolutely.
Yeah, but is it better, though?
I don't know.
I don't even see all this stuff that's on my algorithm.
That's true.
All this stuff.
I'm like, I don't want to see it.
I want China to know all of our stuff.
That's all.
I just, that's it.
That's my only thing.
Why not?
Because they're going to take over.
And I think we're going to miss the U.S. when China takes over.
I'm not saying the U.S. is perfect at all.
But if you think China is going to be better, it's not.
I get that.
But I mean, you're worried that it's like you're promoting a show and it's like, oh, man, they see my fucking.
No, but they don't see just what you post.
They see everything you scroll on.
They get everything.
Dog, everyone.
Every foot I like.
China just knows about every foot that I like.
I don't want China to know about every foot that I like.
Then they're going to just break their feet and mold them to the foot.
All right.
Yeah, you got to trust them.
Yeah, we got a text from Schultz in Australia.
He got a foot fetish.
I do too.
But he just said, someone take my phone from me.
What the hell is happening?
And it was just a video of a girl crushing an egg with her feet.
And I was crying, laughing because I could see myself falling down that exact same rabbit hole.
I'm just like, I didn't even, I scrolled off the video as soon as I could because I was like, I'm going to get into this.
What?
I can't.
Damn, look at this.
This is like a Chinese abortion.
Oh, my God.
This guy, you feet guys have it made.
No, that's not even an ideal foot to me, but I can see myself finding the foot, searching for the foot that I like.
Wow.
But you go to a pool.
Now I'm out.
That's too much.
No, no, no, no.
Girls are wearing flip foot sandals all day long.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know what I got to do to see a tip?
Yeah.
No, I thought about this.
We're very fortunate.
You're very fortunate.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
I got to like put on a lab coat and find a lump.
You got to just go to the pool.
You know what they say, like, you can't kink shame, though, and like all these things.
I will say that since everybody, my foot thing was way suppressed because I thought it was weird.
Now that I know so many people got foot things, I'm way worse about it.
You can't just be like, hey, don't do that.
You got to shame that shit to keep it to a healthy level.
That's a good point.
It's a good point.
My foot fetish has gotten way worse now that it's free.
Right, right.
Well, that's the beauty of the internet.
You're in the furry, you're in the feet, you're in the farts.
It's all out there, and there's a full forum.
You can talk to other weirdos.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, dude, we should be unallowed.
We should just be weirdos in like isolated, isolated weirdos, not encouraging the weirdness.
It's weird that I like feet.
I guess.
This is why China should get all this information.
They won't want to fuck with us after they say our fucking fetish.
Yeah, maybe right about that.
Maybe right about that.
But also foot binding.
You talk about, oh, yeah.
That they're the feet guys.
I think it was Japan, but still close enough.
No, that was Oriental.
It was like colonial China or some shit.
Back in the day.
Guys, we need to talk.
Crypto Portfolio Strategy00:02:32
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All right, guys, we're going to take a break real quick to talk about Kraken.
Kraken is your one-stop shop for everything investing.
They have over, I think, 11,000 ETFs.
They got 15 million users.
They've been around longer than all these and pretty much all these other cryptocurrency platforms.
It's like what Bitcoin is to crypto.
This is that for crypto platforms.
It's been around.
It's trusted.
Guys, we've been on Kraken.
We're all out here doing it.
I learned that I cannot pick stocks, so I just put all my money in Bitcoin.
I'm up a little bit.
Bitcoin is at an all-time high, $116,000 as of the time we recorded this ad.
Damn.
How are y'all doing?
Schultz is up the most, I think.
Yeah.
Smart thing, dude.
He just outsourced his.
Yeah, it's being handled by Tanya, dude.
We should give all of our money to Tanya.
Be like, hey, figure this out.
Pretty sound financial philosophy.
Run your money to the accountants.
Her religion doesn't matter.
It has nothing to do with anything.
She's Jewish.
But I'm like 15% up.
Really?
Yeah, but I was dumb because I put all my stuff in ETFs.
I should have just gone triple down on Bitcoin.
Well, I did triple down on Bitcoin.
How much is it up, David?
10%.
But I just, it's the only thing I can trust that I believe will win in the long term.
And I've lost so much Bitcoin that it's nice to be able to get some value back.
Right.
Now, I will say with the ETFs, I got paid like a couple hundred bucks.
Fine.
So I just took that money and put it back in.
Al, how you doing?
I'm about even.
Okay.
Yeah.
Bitcoin.
Just fuck it.
Stop fucking around.
Yeah, I know.
I should.
I should have.
Just go Bitcoin or Tanya.
You know?
Tanya's our Bitcoin.
I'm fiat.
Outsourcing Financial Advice00:11:48
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You want to buy ETFs?
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Let's get back to the show.
Kink shaming, you mentioned.
No one kinkshame like the ladies.
Back when in my single days, I had a weird kink, and women would flip out every time.
Go ahead.
Well, I had this thing where after I ate orgasm, I like to leave.
You know, they'd be like, what the hell?
Whoa, whoa, like, whoa, kick shame.
I like fresh air after I got this.
I can't walk.
Right, right.
I didn't know we had the same kinks, man.
How come yours is okay, but mine is?
You want to be choked and spang?
I did all that.
Please get an Uber.
Are you kinkless?
I guess so.
I like a little ball grab.
Oh, I mean, come on.
Standard things, I think.
It depends how much, like, how hard.
Well, the guy always gets mad when I do it.
Yeah, you know, when I do it, that's what makes him a great joke writer, dude.
The guy gets mad when I do it.
That's great.
Okay.
Thanks.
But yeah, it's, I guess I'm pretty meat and potatoes.
It's kind of like stand-up where I was so happy and grateful to be getting laid that I was just, I was, you know, I was in it.
Why fuck with it?
Yes, exactly.
I got you.
That's fair.
Exactly.
I feel the same way, dude.
I don't know.
Especially ever since getting married.
It's like kinks are for other women, I feel like.
You know what I mean?
When you're with your wife, you can't try out crazy shit, you know?
I mean, we should be.
That's what you should be doing.
That's true.
I hope to only have sex with this person for the rest of my life.
Let's have some fun.
I'm out of the trying out stuff.
I'm 21.
I get done with it.
This is the age I'm supposed to be trying shit.
That's that Catholic shit.
Are you Catholic?
Nah.
Diehard Catholic.
This guy.
I don't know.
He's a big, born-raised, still Catholic.
So I think he's got that like, this is all weird and shit.
This is the mother of my kid.
There's a half between you and me.
Between you and feet.
So you're just like one level past like the sheet with the hole in it.
True.
True.
Yeah.
That could be fun, actually.
That's kind of kinky.
Right?
Just make sure it's not quilted.
You know, I don't need any more inches lost.
You don't want down feathers.
No, no.
You got a goose feather in your gooch?
I got bad news for you.
Get your pole napkin.
Yeah, exactly.
She's dying for you to do that freak shit, I think.
Oh, yes.
And you talk to us.
Yeah.
Be together.
You got 50 more years with her or whatever, not 50, but 40, whatever.
So like, I think you get, get crazy.
I mean, and I get it, it's hard.
It's awkward, but you got to do it.
I don't know.
Have you had this moment of having a kid yet where like you've tried to be intimate and there's also just a baby monitor in the room?
And you're like, oh, this is weird.
You get over it.
You're going to like turn it the other way.
You're like, I don't want to say.
Your baby sleep in the same room as you?
Now, yeah, but then we got to go downstairs and move the baby monitor, flip it around.
Oh, I'll fuck my wife with a Bjorn off.
Yeah, yeah.
Right here.
Come on.
What are you talking about?
The kids shouldn't be in the room.
He should go fuck.
Yes, that's healthy.
No, Come on now.
You can't do all that.
All right.
Let me talk to her.
Talk to your wife.
I bet she would be down.
Guaranteed.
I bet she'd be like, yeah, I would be down for all that.
It's like that Chris Rock.
And I say this about any wife, not your wife.
I don't want to make it weird.
Any wife is probably like, yeah, I'm fucked this guy for the rest of my life.
I'm a good, faithful woman.
Let's have some fun.
Wait for the kids to be out of the house.
Out of the house.
Yeah, exactly.
That's me.
Yes.
Your kid is 10 months old.
Exactly.
So we're just running mish for a while.
Oh, my God.
What are you going to do?
What should we do?
Do you have any advice?
I'm going to text my kids when I'm fucking their mom.
Ew, stop.
Ew.
Don't do that.
Hey, your mom's about to get fucked.
Don't come home for a minute.
No, come on.
I need six minutes.
Don't come home for six minutes.
Put the sock on the doorknob.
That's it.
That's all you need to do.
I hope they hear it.
Nope.
You need to know your parents love each other.
What does it sound like?
Oh, gosh.
For her?
Hurry up.
Thank you.
Come again.
Oh, man.
Damn.
Yeah, dude.
I don't know about all that.
No, but get in there because my friend's a personal trainer.
And he's like, dude, the amount of married women who are just dying because he's like a ripped, hot, tall guy.
And he's like, personal trainers are pieces of shit.
Oh, my God.
Fuck everybody's girl.
Yes.
It's really bad.
Moms, wives, with kids, like everything.
They're all dating these or married to these finance guys who are like on the road.
They're busy.
And these personal trainers, the women are like, yeah, all over them.
And he doesn't take advantage?
He doesn't.
He's too scared of them suing him or killing him or something.
And he gets, he does fine on his own.
Yeah.
But he's like, it's wild out there, the amount of women.
I also knew a guy who was an Uber driver, and he said drunk chicks were just like cheating on everybody, getting in the car all over him.
And then they'd be like, my boyfriend's dick doesn't work.
What do you got working here?
And they'd like, you know, wow.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I've heard stories like that.
Uber drivers will be like, yeah, girl got drunk.
Fellas, eat your wife's ass.
Yes.
Do it.
Get in there.
It'll keep her.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Dude, dine in.
You know, you need to try a little Molly one day and just spice it up.
You know how I fear what that is.
You're just going to want to start something new.
How do you after that?
You probably got to keep doing it, right?
It's just like, it's like you'll both be loose and then like you'll try something different and then you'll be like, oh, I kind of like that.
And then when you're normal, you keep doing the thing that you like while you're doing it.
Molly's financial is what Alice says.
Yeah, basically.
Yeah.
You can't get out of your head right now.
Yeah, that's true.
You got to open the door a little and then you'll be fine.
Then you got to go back to being a parent immediately after.
That's true.
The kid wakes up and you're like, well, one of us got to go up there.
On son?
On Molly?
What are you saying?
On Molly, you're going to go take care of yourself.
You're going to love your kid the most.
No, this is crazy.
You're the ones that tell me to do Molly.
You have sat there and said you should do Molly a lot.
That's fucking weird.
Now you're an addict.
With your friends at a party, at a rave.
You don't want to be in your apartment.
Don't you love your friends the most when you're on Molly?
Yeah.
You've done it.
Yeah, exactly.
So why wouldn't you go love your kid the most?
You're going to go deprive him of that pure love, you fucking monster.
You're sleeping.
You're going to go do it with your homeboys.
You're going to go give them all the love in the world and come home to your son with this muted Catholic version of yourself.
What is that, dude?
You can't give my kid too much love.
Yeah, dude.
Then what?
Hey.
He wants to be a good white pair.
Get on Molly.
Do some freaky shit.
Go hug your son after.
Yeah.
All right.
Keep bringing up the son.
This is the Catholic in you.
It's the digging.
That's what I'm virtuing about.
Yeah.
I can't get away from the priesthood.
I'm trying to repress it, dude.
I think all my priests were on Molly.
I think that was the issue.
That was really the problem, dude.
They were too excited.
Nah, dude.
Mark Norman is absolutely right.
Do freaky shit with your wife.
Who cares about your kid?
What does that even mean?
I mean, how do you spice it up, Mark?
What's the secret?
It's awkward.
I totally get it because it's your wife.
You know, you love her.
It's serious.
It's sacred.
You got the kid.
But I think you got to just get over that hump.
You just got to do it and just grit your teeth and say that crazy shit.
Dirty talk.
Anything else?
Dirty talk.
Put a finger up there.
Eat this.
Lick that.
Pull that.
Yank this.
You know.
It's like a boppet.
And that's what you should do.
Bop it.
Yeah.
Twist it.
So not for nothing.
You get, you know, you and your wife, you get a little angry at each other.
This the baby can wear on a marriage.
If she likes some crazy shit, you can get it out.
Get that anger out.
Joke.
I hope she likes choking.
Yeah.
Get a lot out with some choking.
That's honestly PhD level shit texting.
You know who had great sex?
Chris Brown or Rihanna.
I mean, you know, you got a lot out.
That's probably true.
Yeah.
To a point, I thought it was awesome.
My father's there doing it when they weren't fucking.
Yeah.
That was the problem.
Right.
In the bedroom, I bet it was phenomenal.
Yes.
That's a good point.
I see how he takes photos with fans.
I'm like, he's probably crazy.
Oh, man.
That was crazy.
That's why it's going to suck to be a boxer.
You know, boxers always beat their wives or whatever.
And you're like, well, I get it because I'm trying to be funny at home.
You know, they're just doing their job at home.
Oh, man.
You're good, dude.
You're good.
Yeah.
That's fucking good.
I'll give it a try.
Give it a shot.
Send me the video.
Please.
I'll name our next child Mark.
Okay, there you go.
We don't need to know what happened, but can you just do some freaky shit and just let us just text us like it's done.
It's happened.
And I just want to know how it felt.
I bet you'd be like, that was great.
And ask her, and I bet she'd be like, yeah, that was all.
Like, I'm a hitman.
It's finished.
The job has been taken care of.
Yes.
You keep making light of it.
I'm being serious.
Do some weird shit.
Have you tasted breast milk yet?
Many times.
Right?
It's nice.
It's great.
And I had a hangover and I ate some, and I was good.
That shit is magic.
I believe that.
It's all nutrients.
If I have kids, I'm having my kid on one tit and me on the other.
There you go.
I believe this, dude.
I think it's, and it is the, I'm not the first person who said this at all, but like, it is weird that we will drink cow's breast milk.
And then if somebody drinks a human's breast milk, people are like, what the fuck is wrong with you?
Interesting.
You got a cow's breast milk.
But you would eat a cow.
You would eat a human.
Good times.
That's a counterpoint.
I guess, but I don't fully see that.
Well, you're sick.
They're sacred to you, right?
Yeah, I don't eat.
Yeah, yeah.
I don't eat a cow.
You don't eat a cow?
No.
What about the milk?
I'll drink milk.
That's part of why we don't eat it.
I think we feel like we get so much from the cow.
Oh, what about suede?
That's where Indians are all shit.
We'll just all wear leather.
We'll all have leather, everything.
They love leather.
There you go.
That's it.
It's a Hindu real like hypocrisy there that we just love leather.
Right.
It's like the Jews where they hire a guy to turn the TV on.
They love a loophole.
Yeah.
But I still feel like you're drinking a cow's breast milk.
That's weird.
That's objectively weird.
Sustenance.
I can eat.
I can understand eating another animal for substance, or sustenance, eating your own animal, your own, that's weird.
Your own species.
Like a dog eating a dog is fucking weird.
Dog eating chicken is not.
Right.
If a dog started sucking on a cow for milk and not his own mom, you'd be like, that's weird.
Well, what about a human eating a dog?
Well, that's what you just don't do because they're awesome.
And now we're back to China.
Yeah, it is weird how we pick and choose.
You're allowed to eat a cow, but not really a horse.
Yeah.
You know, or you can eat a, I don't know, what, a chicken, but you can't eat a pigeon.
I don't know.
We have these women.
Well, then the French lead pigeons.
Oh, really?
You know what I mean?
Like the Italians lead horses and shit.
You know, people have different.
That's true.
They bend rules based on culture.
Cultural.
Yeah, yeah.
I think it's how much the animal means to you, but pigeon is an exception.
But like horses, Americans value horses.
They dogs.
In India, they value cows.
So you don't eat cows.
Robin Williams Legacy00:13:03
You know what I mean?
But the pigeon is like, I get maybe disease or some shit.
Yeah, because we live in New York.
You just see those pigeons just eating horse shit.
You know, all filthy and stuff.
They say the N-word.
Random bits.
New York pigeons are wild.
Yeah, they are.
You know, a random bit I think about all the time is Hannibal talking about kicking a pigeon.
Oh, I want to kick pigeons all the time.
Yes.
I can't explain it.
Every time I see a pigeon just walking like he can't get kicked, I'm like, I'll kick the fuck out of you.
Fly out of my way.
I think about it all the time.
I think that bit kind of broke him.
He was like a struggling comic, and that bit hit.
And then the pickle juice.
Yeah.
Those two bits propelled him.
Yeah, dude.
Yeah.
Yeah, he's great.
We need him back.
I know.
I think he's back to the stand-up, I think.
Yeah, I think so.
He's got to spawn in Brooklyn.
Oh, that's right.
He bought Knitting Factory.
Oh, yeah, dude.
You've got a sick venue.
When we were coming up, Knitting Factory was the hottest room in the world.
There was nothing like it.
I would get claustrophobic walking to where the comics hung out through the crowd because it was standing room and it was so tight together.
I would like hyperventilate a bit, just trying to get through.
That's true.
It was so cool.
There was nothing really in Brooklyn.
Now Brooklyn's got a million shows, but that was like the show.
And Hannibal was like the cool guy.
Yeah.
You see Nick Croll on it or Berbigley or Marlon.
I saw Robin Williams drop in.
What?
Yeah, yeah.
Really?
Amazing.
Yeah.
Holy shit.
And he was so nice to me.
And this is one of the few times I regret taking a picture with someone.
Not because he's not awesome, but he is.
But he was really nice.
We talked a little bit.
And I was like, hey, would you be cool getting?
He said, yeah.
But then I looked at the picture and he just looked like frowning almost.
And he was like, I think he didn't want to take this.
I regret taking that picture with him.
I have it and I could post it, but it's just like he don't look like he wanted me to take that picture.
What meeting you is what killed him?
Yeah.
The met just started.
That was the moment.
He wanted to forget so badly.
Damn.
That's crazy.
That's great, though.
You got that.
I got a photo with Norm, like, you know, right before he died.
I'm so glad I have it.
Yeah.
He complimented me on one of my bits, but I don't think it was because he didn't go out of his way to do it.
He did it with another comic, Joyelle Johnson.
But then I came up to him and said, Hey, it's honored to meet you, whatever.
That was awesome.
And then he said something about my bit.
It felt like he's saying it just to be nice.
But that's so cool that Robin Williams is that nice.
So then he's like, I should compliment this kid on a bit.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And then we talked about the bit and it was like, what a crazy fucking thing.
That's incredible.
It was this bit I had about how art was like fake and didn't really mean anything.
And he was like, it is all pretentious bullshit, blah, blah, blah.
Wow.
That's why I hate, I think he said LA or something.
Everybody's just pretending they're something or not.
It was just like, this is so surreal.
But then we had a little conversation and I was like, what a nice guy.
And I wish I had just left it at that.
Yeah.
And I asked for the picture and I'm like, ah, I did that completely for me, obviously.
But like, I wish I had just been like, this is enough.
And I'm out.
Yeah, but you got the photo.
Yeah, the photo is pretty great.
Right?
Yeah.
It's also nice when a depressed guy completely agrees with your point.
You know what I mean?
You're like, yeah, dude, Art is stupid.
He's like, right, everything means nothing.
I think you're agreeing too much here.
Yeah, yeah.
Did he do time on stage?
He did.
Oh, how was he?
It was great.
I mean, he wasn't doing the full Robin Williams thing, but it was still awesome.
It was just like so surreal.
I don't remember a single joke, but you're just watching this absolute larger-than-life legend on stage.
And it's just such a surreal thing.
Yeah, that's so cool.
That's the biggest person I've ever seen do comedy.
There's no disrespect to Rock or Chappelle.
It's just like Robin Williams is a different thing.
Yeah, that's fucking the genie.
That's the cool thing about this business is like, you'll see Robin Williams at a bar show.
Yeah.
You know, like if you're Mick Jagger, you're not really going to pop into some bar room with a guy playing guitar.
We're still kind of close to these legends.
Yeah.
Like we see Chappelle all the time at the cellar or whoever.
Jimmy Fallon just did the VU.
I had to go on after him.
Whoa, how was that?
It was great, but it's just so fun to watch the audience see him.
Yeah.
That shit never gets old.
They're like, oh my God.
Their heads are melting.
Yeah, it's great.
We're standing outside McDougal and we're like, oh, yeah, I think Chappelle's about to go on.
And everyone's like, did he go on yet?
I don't know.
And then all of a sudden, you hear just an explosion.
Everyone cheering.
We're like, oh, I think he just went off.
Yeah.
And it was like three minutes of just cheering.
Of course.
It's crazy.
I started right after he left Chappelle's show, and I remember he said it.
I'm comedy Bigfoot.
Because you would, people would text each other.
In LA, it was spread out.
I started in LA.
It was like 45 minutes away from every spot.
Comics would say Chappelle's on stage right now.
And you would just have to go.
That's it.
Yeah.
And people like you, because he's in Africa.
He's this, he's that.
You never think you're going to see him.
And then he drops in.
Holy fuck.
Now you know it's a possibility and you hit the lottery if it happens.
But then it didn't even cross your mind.
And now he's just stopping in.
Wow.
Yeah.
Have you ever got famous people coming to your shows?
Or like, you just, people tell you, like, oh, by the way, this person's at your show right now.
Just, I've had some athletes.
I had Josh Allen come to a show in Buffalo.
Yeah.
I've had some like hockey players, some football players.
They all know Shane.
So Shane will text me and go, hey, this some crazy name, Lamar or whatever, wants to come to your show.
And I'm like, great, don't put him on the list, you know?
But I don't, I'm not a huge sports guy, so I don't know.
But I've had a couple UFC guys, stuff like that.
I hate knowing they're there.
I know.
I hate knowing.
And the way I describe it, anytime I know a person that's at the show, I hate it because it's like we can all have off nights.
Every comic bombs throughout their career.
It's like, if Steph Curry can have an off-night shooting a basketball, I could certainly have an off-night doing comedy.
But you watch Steph Curry 82 times a year.
You see me once.
So if I bomb, you're like, that guy sucks.
Right.
Steph Curry, you're like, well, there's 81 other games a year.
I see him absolutely dominate.
So I know he's great.
Me, you're like, nah, well.
And that's just always hanging there.
Yeah.
This could be the off night.
And that's Dev, you're just Curry, but yeah, no, you're totally right.
Off nights, they are out there, and the whole time you're like, Volkanovsky's here, Volkanovsky, that's all you're thinking about during your set.
And even if it's going well, how do you, how did that land?
Did that land though as well as it could have?
Because Volkanovsky's watching.
Exactly, exactly.
Yeah, and then like your family gone.
That is my all-time worst.
Yeah, I hate that.
They're coming to my, I'm doing a show in Hattiesburg, and I'm from New Orleans, so it's like a two-hour drive.
So my parents are coming, and the whole night's ruined now.
Yeah, how did you perform for them?
Oh, not as little as I can.
I think I've been doing it 20 years.
I've gone up in front of them five times.
Once really.
I remember thinking, I just want them to say they saw me in case they die.
I don't want to walk away being like, I never even let them watch my set.
What was I doing?
They watched one.
You are your parents, Robin Williams.
You know what I mean?
I saw him once.
We took a photo.
He didn't like it at all.
He's depressed.
Yeah, my dad just came to the show in Montreal.
And I was stressed the whole time.
It was like, my dad lived in Montreal for many years and then left.
And now I'm going to Montreal to do a show.
And like, he loves comic.
He's the reason I do stand-up.
So now I'm doing a show in his city where he was just like a poor kid, like trying to make it work.
And now I'm doing a show there.
And he's there with his sister.
It was like a whole cosmic thing.
And I was like, dude, if this show sucks.
Yeah.
It's a nightmare.
It's a nightmare.
Did you change any of the material?
No, no, I didn't.
It's also like you're in a different spot because y'all are successful.
You know what I mean?
So your parents can be like, even if you have a bad show, they're like, yeah, it wasn't good.
But like, you know, look at all the numbers.
Right.
For me, it's like my parents and then like 70 other people.
Yeah.
Oh, come on.
You're nine.
But you got to hope that it works.
Yeah.
Of course, then they're not like, oh, this was a huge mistake.
We need to reel him back in.
We need to do an intervention.
You know, I didn't even think about this.
You started off opening for Schultz performing for famous people.
Yeah.
Like Matthew McConaughey has seen you do stand-up.
Yeah.
Yeah.
McConaughey came to a show.
Dax came to a show.
Who else?
Fuck, I forget his name.
He's in a bunch of movies.
White dude.
He was in the new Twister movie.
Glenn Powell.
Yes.
Glenn Powell has been to his show.
Are you not as fazed by it?
Well, the good part is that I don't watch any movies.
Oh, yeah.
Like McConaughey and Dax came backstage after the show in Austin.
Yeah.
And I was so excited to meet Dax.
Yeah.
Because of his pod.
Yeah, because I listen to his pod all the time.
And I really like Dax.
And I obviously respect McConnell as like a legend, but like, I've never seen a McConney movie.
Yeah.
So I was like, this guy's cool.
Like, he's, you know, all right, all right.
All right.
Yeah.
But that's like basically the extent.
But I was like, Dax, let's talk about fucking this pod you did with this guy.
I was way more excited.
This is what a dweeb he is.
He likes experts on experts.
He doesn't even like armchair experts where they talk to celebrities.
He likes the one where they talk to the virologist about where COVID started.
Exactly.
Oh, wow.
So I want to talk to him about that.
And then McConney's there just cockblocking me.
You know, just telling an awesome story about banging awesome women.
No, no, no, no, not the time.
All right.
I'm trying to talk to Dax about nerd shit.
He wasn't punked, right?
Yeah.
Dax.
Yeah.
That's where you got to start, I think.
Yeah.
Wow.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But it was awesome.
But like that happens all the time.
We're like, I'll be hanging with Derek because Derek knows every movie ever.
Post an interesting video.
Yeah.
Like someone will come backstage.
I'm like, oh, who's this guy?
And he's like, oh, he's that's Matt Damon.
All right.
Because you know, always like, that's two girls, one cookie.
Yeah, the parents thing is tough because my parents are very honest.
Like they're kind of blunty, autistic-y.
And so, like, I went to film school.
You don't say.
Apple doesn't far.
I'll fall far.
But yeah, I went to film school and I had to make a big movie at the end.
That's how you graduate.
And I played the movie for him.
They're like, all right, let's see what we paid for here.
And my mom was like, that sucked.
I was like, damn, all right.
Yeah.
Did she cut it with anything?
Like, oh, but you were good in the she, not really.
She was like, no, that was uh, I didn't love it.
She said, I didn't love it.
Oh, wow, okay.
What was the movie?
It was a bad movie.
I'll give her that.
It's like a 20 minutes short about making a movie.
I tried to be meta, which like everyone has done.
So it's the hackiest idea.
But she was like, yeah, I feel like I've seen stuff like that before.
And, you know, I didn't love it.
By the way, what's for dinner?
Like, she'll just cut, get out of there.
And so I started doing stand-up.
That's how you started?
Yeah.
Dude, you owe your mom your career.
I guess so.
Yeah.
But stand-up, you can't defute, refute because it's people are laughing.
So you're like, you might not like it, but it's killing.
So don't be offended.
People are laughing.
Yeah, exactly.
When my mom came to the show, she came to a show at MSG when I was opening for Schultz.
Wow.
And I did a joke about my mom having autism.
Oh, shit.
And then after the show, everyone's like hanging in the green room.
It's like a big celebration.
Everyone's super excited.
And my mom, I see her for the first time.
I didn't tell her I was going to do the joke.
And I was like, oh, God, I just humiliated her in front of all these people.
Let's see what she says.
And she just walks up to me and goes, I was in the show.
She was so excited.
And then the whole night she wouldn't drop it.
So like I'm talking with like family.
Very people I'm talking with.
Yeah, literally.
And I'm like hanging out with like some very prominent athlete.
We're talking about whatever.
And then my mom just comes up and I'm like, oh, this is my mom.
And she goes, hello.
I have autism.
Oh, wow.
And then the athlete would be like, what?
Because she's like, oh, remember from the opener set?
I'm the one.
And he goes, oh, I got here right after the opening.
And she goes, ah, you missed it, whatever.
But like, is that the most autistic thing in the world?
Totally.
To interrupt a conversation and be like, I have autism.
You know, truth and current body.
Yeah.
It was awesome.
But yeah, also, if your mom was super normal and loving, you might not be doing stand-up.
No, no, no.
You know, give and take.
Do you think about going back to movies?
I'm sure the opportunity is there for you at this point.
I'd rather make a I can't act.
I am the, I've auditioned for 9,000 roles.
I've never gotten one.
Really?
People are like, this role is made for you.
It's a retarded kid in Brooklyn.
He wants to stand up.
And I'm like, I got it.
And then I blow it.
Do they ever let you just improv and do your like.
I've tried everything.
I've done improv.
I've stuck to the lines.
I've rehearsed.
I rehearsed.
I got a coach.
Nothing.
Oh, wow.
So you would be behind the scenes of a movie, though.
Yeah, I'd rather do Woody Allen and, you know, fucking Asian.
That was too soon ye.
But yeah.
He's done the podcast rounds, by the way.
You see this?
Yeah.
He just did Bill Maher.
He just did Barry Weiss.
Let's have him on.
Let's ask him about fucking these kids.
All right.
Totally.
Yeah.
The right kids.
They weren't kids.
I don't think that's going to help.
They used to be kids.
I'd like it.
He could explain that.
Yeah.
That'd be awesome.
I think he's innocent.
Well, just there's a lot of white people who say he's innocent.
A lot of minorities who don't know anything about the case, but think he's guilty.
Well, he's our Michael Jackson.
Yeah.
You know, he's a brilliant artist.
I don't know if he's innocent.
I'm just fucking around.
But basically, he was married to Mia Farrow, started banging her daughter or her adopted daughter, Asian girl, and then she flipped.
So I think she goes, hey, he was fucked.
He was molesting everybody because they have like eight kids.
Ah.
So some of the kids say, yeah, he's a piece of shit.
And some of the kids say, no, he's innocent.
But when he was with the daughter, the adopted daughter, Soon Yee.
She was of age.
Yes, 21.
Which is probably just something.
Yeah, for sure.
So obviously it's weird, but it's not criminal.
Illegal.
Sam Altman Trial00:13:04
Yeah.
And he went to court twice for the molesting, dismissed both times.
Wow.
So that's how good Annie Hall was.
Yeah.
Then the judge was like, yeah, well, look at that.
Let's get him on the brilliant guy.
Like, who knows what he did, but can't take away from the movies.
It'd be nice to have a guy on and ask him about this sex with the kids.
Yeah.
And you know, it's funny.
He did Bill Maher and Bill Maher's like, how was that canceled?
It was horrible.
Is that him holding her right there?
They're kids.
That's their kids.
Oh, okay.
I thought that would be crazy.
That would be crazy.
You grow up fast.
But yeah, yeah.
He did Beaumar and Beaumar's like, that canceled.
You were like the beloved darling of show business, and then you got canceled.
How'd that feel?
He's like, I was older.
I didn't care.
What are you going to do?
I made all my shit.
I live in Paris now.
I don't give a shit.
Kids in Paris.
That's like their thing.
Yeah, that's true.
Paris does not give a fuck about you.
You know, Midnight in Paris is actually about a girl turning 12.
You want to get him on the show?
Yeah.
Which one is like playing both sides?
I would love to have him on the show and ask him about this.
I'm being very honest.
I think he's excited to come on.
I know he is excited to come on a 12-year-old.
That joke is there.
That's your fault.
That's your fault.
Honestly, don't blame me for that.
Had to take it.
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Let's get back to the show.
Have you seen this Tucker Carlson Sam Altman interview?
I have not.
I saw the Mark Cuban.
What happened there?
Oh, that was where Carlson called him out for not donating to Ukraine.
It got pretty ugly.
So this is unbelievable from Tucker.
Sam Altman, head of OpenAI, ChatGPT, all that.
Someone that was an early employee there, I think, got murdered.
And Tucker Carlson, we can watch the whole thing and we'll cut it out if we need to.
But Tucker Carlson, the way he does this is honestly, whatever you think of him, this is fucking, he's good, dude.
He's nice.
Do you think he committed suicide?
I really do.
Does it not look like one to you?
No, he was definitely murdered, I think.
There were signs of a struggle, of course.
The surveillance camera, the wires had been cut.
Have you talked to the authorities about it?
I've not talked to the authorities about it.
And his mother claims he was murdered on your orders.
Do you believe that?
Well, I'm asking.
I mean, you just said it.
I've known too many interviews where I've been accused of like, oh, I'm not accusing you at all.
I'm just saying his mother says that.
This is what I think is so fucking good.
He plays so dumb.
Yeah.
The whole time.
And he's just like, I have no idea.
I don't know.
What do you think?
And the guy's like, suicide.
And he, again, this is coming from a guy who said he knew nothing about it.
He's like, well, can't be suicide.
They're playing in multiple rooms.
Security cameras, the wires have been cut.
Like, he knows everything.
Yeah.
And then he just lets it up there.
Are you accusing me of murder?
I'm not blood.
He just goads him in with like playing like such a fucking idiot.
And then he knows everything about the case.
Can you, what?
I don't know who got murdered.
Like, who is this?
So there's an early employee, I believe, if I'm not mistaken, at OpenAI, which is Chad GPT's company.
He left the company.
I don't think he left on great terms.
And then he winds up.
I don't know if he's trying to start another company or what, but he winds up getting murdered.
Can we look at this real quick?
Weeks after he became a cused OpenAI of violating copyright law by training its AI models on copyrighted data.
So he's accusing them of shit that they could get sued for.
He's like a whistleblower.
He's a whistleblower.
Okay.
And then he gets murdered.
Well, and then he dies, and it seems like it's a murder.
And then Sam Altman is the head of the company.
And then Tucker asks him basically point blank, did you murder this guy?
Wow.
Yeah.
Why is that guy doing interviews?
If this shit happened to my company, I'd be like, I'm not talking to anybody.
I don't think he thought he would get accused of being a murderer.
This guy's doing Theo's pod.
Like, he's willing to talk to people.
Sam Altman did?
Yeah, he did.
Oh, I did not know that.
But you get to make your company's reputation very palatable to the public.
You know what I mean?
Sure.
I also think the way that these tech companies work and really any major earth-changing company is that, in my opinion, again, I don't know what happened.
They hire teams that kind of handle shit.
So I was talking to a friend of mine that consults on a lot of these big companies.
And at one point, there was a company that had hired a team to basically be like, hey, whatever I need to get done, you guys handle.
And they basically create like insulation.
So I don't think Altman knew anything.
Or like, I don't think that they would be so dumb as to directly implicate him in some type of like a line that could be subpoenaed.
But I do think that they probably have teams internally at these massive companies that get shit taken care of.
This is the way I see things.
I don't know.
Can we pull that guy up?
It's just weird that this guy, if you look at, if you don't know anything and you look at Tucker Carlson and Sam Altman together, you're like, look up Sam Altman.
The guy on the left is clearly the more famous, richer, world-shifting guy.
These guys, they look like they work at GameStop.
New balance and a sweater.
That guy's in charge of like a seismic shift in technological advancements in this country.
Changing the world.
That guy.
Look at that guy.
That's crazy.
He's at least wearing a blazer.
I mean, the tech oligarchs I find very funny.
Yeah.
I was listening to the thing yesterday about these, like the way the tech is shifting things and how every different political faction has their own philosophy on tech.
But one of the things that he pointed out was like these tech guys are, they were bullied.
All of them were bullied.
And that they have no connection to like their physical form.
Like they're not physically domineering in any way.
So as a result, they see themselves as just their IQ.
They're like, they exist as their IQ.
They exist as their brain and they're trying to change the world to where everything is just brain-based.
And so you're like being in touch with nature, like your physical reality doesn't really matter because to them, it didn't never mattered.
And the thing that got them out and got them success is ultimately their brain.
So basically trying to create human beings in a way that you can get rid of all the physical shit, that you are just ultimately productive, hyper-rational, and operating as a computer.
And then ultimately finding symbiosis with the computer.
It's like they have big dick energy.
That's big brain energy.
Like go all in on mental shit and technology.
But we're letting nerds form the reality in the future we live in.
1000%.
And it's hurting.
I mean, look at like fucking all the outrage goes to the top.
You know, that's not helping.
The culture war and the infighting.
It's all bad.
Like when TikTok might have gone away, I was secretly a little happy.
Maybe it'll go away.
I like TikTok.
I make money on TikTok, but it's for the best.
It's like when you go to your shroom drawer and it's empty.
You're like, probably for the best.
You know what I mean?
Never for me.
I love a good shroom.
Me too.
I fucking love it.
Oh, really?
Oh, nice.
Yeah.
It's my favorite thing.
You won't eat a fucking steak, but you'll eat shrooms.
Yeah, 1000%.
All right.
Won't drink a beer.
I have shrooms.
Because a steak is God.
You know what I mean?
But if you take shrooms, you see God.
Yeah, I do.
I do.
But these tech guys are just, again, not Altman alone.
I don't think it's.
But it's just all of them.
Zuckerberg, all those guys.
They're kind of nerds.
And then they are the ones that make the world.
Yeah.
They murdered Charlie Kirk is what you're saying.
They're the ones.
Indirectly, maybe.
Well, I listened to his Theo, and he's like, Theo's like, don't you think this could take all our jobs and ruin people's lives?
He's like, it'll probably take my job eventually.
And you're like, and you're still making it?
Yeah.
Like, imagine introducing a hot guy to your wife.
Like, this guy will probably fuck her eventually.
What are you doing?
Stop.
You got to stop at some point, but they can't.
They're addicted.
Yeah, dude.
I think they don't even see it.
I think they just see it as progress.
Yeah.
They're like, well, no, this is progress.
If we get replaced, then that's what's supposed to happen.
It's progress.
It's really crazy how emotionally removed they are from the will to survive or like the desire to survive.
Yeah, totally.
Well, the ultimate, I don't know, the ultimate reality that could happen is just like the transhumanist shit.
Have you heard of this?
Yes.
Like basically, we just like form in with computers and our consciousness exists, you know, on a server somewhere.
And that is ultimately what you are.
Yeah.
And that's kind of, I think, how a lot of transhumanists see things.
They're like, yeah, you are your brain.
And so if your brain goes to a computer, that's still you.
But then normal people would be like, well, I'm not that.
I'm also like my love and my emotions and my irrationality.
And I don't want to just be up with it.
Meditation would say like you're not, the brain is the worst thing.
Like I think a lot of religions would say that's that's the thing that gets you in trouble.
You're supposed to come back to this.
You have the soul.
Interesting.
But it's like it's an interesting little paradigm.
This is another thing.
This guy, Zreg, who's like the YouTuber that did this video essay, but he was like, he made me appreciate cognitive dissonance and hypocrisy.
They're like, we're constantly trying to get rid of cognitive dissonance.
Like, no, be perfectly rational.
But I'm like, that's kind of what makes us human.
Yeah.
So anytime there's a dude that's like just being dumb and irrational, I'm like, isn't that nice?
But then are we the guys in the whoever, the 1800s who were like, cars, horses are the way.
We got to stick with the animal.
This is, you know, it's a mammal.
This is where it's real.
The car is a machine with pistons and gears and levers.
Like, are we those people who are like, hey, stop the production?
That's a good part.
I don't know if those guys are wrong.
I just don't think, I don't think the car could replace a human.
That's the thing.
It's like, to me, this is, this will replace us.
I've never looked at a piece of technology and thought, well, now we're all obsolete as a species.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Isn't that weird about the phone?
The phone is obviously this amazing invention that's improved all our lives, but I'm also glad I grew up before it.
Oh, so glad.
Isn't that weird?
So glad.
You would never say like, oh, I'm so glad I grew up before the car.
Yeah.
You know, but the phone, you're like, that is a great point.
I had a childhood.
That's a great point.
Yeah.
There's no other technology I would think that with.
Yeah.
Like, oh, I was born before penicillin.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But the phone, you're like, whoo, I had a fucking thoughts and played and imagination.
Rode a bike.
Yeah, exactly.
You know what I mean?
We're outside.
Yeah.
But then sometimes ignorance is bliss because you grew up with the phone and so you don't even know what you're, what you missed out on.
I have an idea.
You know what I mean?
Like, I'm awful with directions.
I don't know anything.
I can't get around New York and it's a grid.
You know what I mean?
Like it is the easiest place to navigate in the world.
Also, this guy's whole thing is getting back to he sleeps on the floor.
Like he, I think he knows what the phone deprived him of.
Yeah.
I mean, I don't know.
But maybe I'm nostalgic for a thing I never experienced.
So maybe if I actually lived in the 80s or yeah, you wouldn't be as fucking weird today.
I was sleeping in bed.
I was outside.
Exactly.
I camped.
Okay.
They say that's the future.
Like young, super young, like Jen Alpha is going to be like, we love nature.
We love like a brick phone.
I hope so.
They're going to go backwards.
That'll be cool.
Miles, the producer, his dad has a flip phone.
It was so fucking awesome to watch him open a flip phone and have a ton of it.
It wasn't a flip Motorola smartphone.
It was a flip phone.
He's making a call.
I thought it was the most fire shit ever.
Yeah, yeah.
And now they're giving those to kids.
He also doesn't carry it, but he's in New York, so he has it, but he generally doesn't even carry it.
Nostalgia for Violence00:03:07
That's awesome.
Wow.
Good for him.
And I sit there and I go, how does he do it?
Yeah.
You didn't do it.
We did it.
I printed out maps for him.
Like here at the studio, I print out maps.
He gets around.
It's different, but he manages.
It's very weird.
I remember I had my phone stolen when I was in New York at a comedy club by some gay dudes.
And one dude walked up.
He was a village lantern.
You could just walk up on stage.
So one dude walk up to me and he's like being like hitting on me or something.
I was like, I don't know what's going on, man.
I have my phone out.
His other homie swiped the phone.
They left and I looked down.
My phone was gone.
And then they were gone.
But I had no phone for like three days.
I couldn't afford another one.
And the first day was miserable.
Second day, I was like, oh, this is kind of nice.
By the third day, I was like, this is the best I felt in years.
Wow.
It's crazy.
And then you guys get mad at me what I don't think.
You feel your brain like it's all tightened.
Interesting.
Well, I mean, just seeing like Charlie Kirk shit, I wouldn't let my wife watch it.
I was like, don't watch the shooting.
It's just another thing that we don't need to be seeing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
A thousand percent.
When I was a kid, you had to seek out faces of death.
Yeah.
My friend's older brother's got a tape and it shows a guy getting hit by a train.
Let's check it out.
We'd all get together and watch it out of sleepover.
Yeah.
It's a community event.
Yeah.
I didn't even feel this thing where I'm like, I can't see it.
I was like, oh, shit.
Really?
That's it.
That shit.
I still see it right now.
Same.
Like, I wish I didn't see it.
I didn't see.
There were angles where people were like, it looks really fucked up here.
And I wouldn't watch those.
But that distance shot, I was like, oh, that's crazy.
That's a guy dying.
That's insane.
That's crazy.
And like, if you saw it in person, people would be like, oh, you're traumatized.
Yeah.
You need to get a therapist.
You have to go see someone.
But if you see a 1080 or 4K video of it, people are like, yeah, it's fine.
Walk it off, pussy.
You're like, no, this is, I'm also, there's got to be some type of collective fallout from everyone seeing the most graphic shit ever.
Yeah.
And then the people celebrating it.
You're like, really?
What are you doing?
Like, politics aside, that's weird to celebrate something like that.
Vile.
Yeah.
Vile.
It's awful.
I am seeing some Republicans be like, he never said a single thing rooted in hate, which is like, that's not true.
But I don't think he was as bad as what people say or as good as what people are saying.
But either way, celebrating it is so fucking gross.
So strange.
Still a guy who died in front of his kids.
Yeah.
Oh, dude, that was, I was actually like, I'm not feeling super, I don't know why.
I'm not feeling super like sad about it or happy.
I just don't feel much.
Then I saw a video of him on set of his show or whatever, and his daughter running.
I saw that too.
That was fucking brutal, man.
Brutal.
God.
Brutal.
And then I know people who celebrated who also have been offended by like a Jew joke I've told.
And I'm like, your priorities are out of whack.
Yeah.
You know?
It is crazy.
Are you worried at all?
Like a crazed fan comes after you?
No.
I don't think, because people did this after the Will Smith slap.
They're like, it's going to happen.
People are going to come on stage.
And Chappelle had that dusted up with the transhumanist.
But I feel like I'm not big enough or important enough, which is one of the perks.
You know, you got to be kind of a certain level.
But I've had just crazies attack me, but they were just like guys I've fucked with in the crowd.
Amish Produce Delivery00:03:24
Oh, really?
But never a guy like, I'm going to go hurt him.
Like, I'm going to go to the show to get him.
Yeah.
I feel like you'd be almost kind of disappointed at this point if you got attacked by a guy and you were like, oh, well, he's obviously, he knows me.
And he's like, no, I've never heard it.
You just did it for no reason, right?
Maybe he's also charging admission.
Assassin's got to pay admission.
Like, come on.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
That's a good point.
You got to buy a ticket to the fucking Wilbur to go shoot this guy.
Exactly.
The back row seats are going to be the most expensive.
Yeah.
That's what you got to do.
$500 a seat.
It's like the guys you yell at Seinfeld.
They're like, Free Palestine.
He's like, you bought a ticket?
You paid to do this?
That's crazy.
My ticket's like $300.
Yeah, I don't know.
I think we're too desensitized to all of it.
Totally.
I think getting off the phones.
I don't know if it's ever going to happen, if it's possible.
I don't think so.
But it would be nice.
It'll be a choice.
It'll be like sober people.
You know?
You're sober.
Oh, okay.
I thought you were sober.
Hopefully, Gen Alpha will be like, fuck these phones.
Hopefully.
Yeah, a little bit for sure.
But their whole lives are on there.
The texting and the memes and the Discord chats and Snapchat.
That's all they know.
That's how they interact now.
Yeah.
But it is a rich person flex.
Like all the rich people flexes now are just going back to how people lived in the 90s.
Like a rich person flex is like, I own a home.
I have a kid and I don't have a cell phone.
You know what I mean?
Like this is how rich people flex now.
Yeah.
And then all the poor people are renting.
They got no kids.
They have seven iPhones.
Right.
I guess we did that too because we're like, we'll do a dinner by candlelight, like horse and buggy around the park.
That's kind of just going back.
Exactly.
That is ultimate flex if you want to really show out on this.
Yeah, in the Hamptons, they purposely buy those shitty ass 90s cars.
Exactly.
Yeah, that's a real thing out there.
And you start to, after, I was there for two weeks, and by the end, I was like, nah, that shit is awesome.
It's really funny.
Yeah, we all just work like that.
Where this fashion is just who sees what?
Maybe we go all the way back and just everyone goes Amish.
Yeah.
We buy our groceries now from.
Too far back.
No, I'm telling you.
I think we would like to.
I'm saying when you grow up with phones, this is what you do.
We would like.
If we had a healthy place just now, we're like, maybe we'll get a flip phone.
And he's like, what if you just were Amish and built your own home and churned your own butter?
And you and all your friends would get together, build a farm.
It's all like a fucking crazy wives.
It would be nice just as a group, just everyone doing the same thing.
You know what's weird about the Amish?
You ever thought about this?
Their whole thing is they don't use electricity.
Everybody knows that.
But before electricity, they were just another group.
You know what I mean?
What was the point?
Because now we know them as the non-electricity people.
But before electricity, they were just.
They made their own furniture, I guess.
Is that the thing?
They dressed funny.
Apparently, it's great furniture.
I don't know.
We buy produce from an Amish farm.
Oh, really?
We have a delivery thing, and an Amish guy comes into town, knocks on our doorway.
It's so fucking annoying.
It's good food.
What do you want me to do?
Where else are you going to get high-value produce at a low cost?
Is it true they have no autism, no diabetes?
Like they have some, they're like superhuman because they don't use pills and all that.
I profusely believe no.
There's something like genetically, all of them are skinny.
Like all their women are skinny because of no preservatives.
No drinking food.
I mean, yeah, they're making all their own shit.
They're building all their own homes.
I see that.
But I do think that has some autism.
I think they have a lower incidence of autism.
Okay.
They probably throw retards in a river or some shit like that.
You're probably right.
Yeah, they go through them in my house with the produce.
Charlemagne Insecurity00:15:18
Luckily, they'll never hear this.
I would imagine a couple of cousins are fucking each other.
No, it's a misconception.
Yeah.
Oh, okay.
Never mind.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
There's no way that was real.
Nah.
I heard there's a lot of incests in like the Amish community.
I bet, yeah.
Yeah.
It's like a real problem.
We don't have to only talk about the good stuff.
I'm sure they do bad things too.
Of course, of course.
Incest.
Oh, I thought that was okay.
I see what you're doing.
My bad.
That was, you know, that was all completely on me.
Completely on me.
Sometimes having a smartphone is good.
You can call 911 when you get a fucking.
Yeah, good point.
Good point.
That is true.
Did you see the Dame Dash in Charlemagne?
I've been dying to talk about it.
No, I'm aware of Dame Dash.
Oh, dude.
Producer?
Have you seen him on Breakfast Club the first time he came on?
No.
He came on like five years ago.
And Charlemagne is just like, he's the ultimate troll.
He's the best at fucking.
I've never seen anybody better at the better at like fucking with people than Charlemagne.
But now he's been on this evolved kind of like therapy.
I'm growing.
I'm healing from my trauma.
And it's all great.
But I miss that guy.
Yes.
And this is vintage.
We're going to pull up some clips.
This is Vintage Charlemagne and Dame Dash, who it seems a little like.
Chip on his shoulder, maybe insecure, maybe whatever.
Yeah.
Al.
He's stuck in the 90s.
Got it.
Yeah.
He's one of those.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
But he's just, he tries to go at Charlemagne and it's just masterful.
Ooh, I can't wait.
Y'all existence is gay.
Sounds like you've been paid to do what you're doing.
You should be objective.
If you're paid to do something, then you wouldn't be in debt.
Debt Dash.
That's his new name.
You should start a new label called Debt Jam.
That's what you should do.
Wow.
Well, I got to hand it to you guys.
We got a lot of range.
We have the whitest pod to the blackest one.
That's what we try to do.
We try to cover it all.
And we talked about any guy getting beheaded.
We hit it all.
And Chinese eating dogs, which they're still doing.
So there you go.
TikTok, we covered all of it.
So what do you see here?
I genuinely don't know anything about Dame Dash.
So Dame, there's better clips out there of Charlemagne.
Like, Dame Dash is, his whole thing seems like he's projecting.
And it's like, he's very insecure because Dame and Jay-Z had Rockefeller.
They fell out.
Jay-Z goes on to be a billionaire.
Dame just kind of stalls out.
And then Dame came on that podcast like five years ago and just kept going at Charlemagne.
All you guys do is gossip, which is funny.
He calls him Chatty Patties.
He's like, if you don't have your own business, I can't respect you.
Then this pod, he's like, you guys are feminine because you talk about other people.
That's feminine behavior.
Everything they do, he's like, that's not masculine to me.
I'm only masculine.
And it was just very, and Charlemagne, the genius of Charlemagne, is he will just laugh when he gets made fun of and then hits you.
They said something about Charlemagne being gay.
And he's like, what's wrong with being gay?
He wasn't like, I'm not gay because what's wrong with being gay?
And then he goes, well, it's gay if you're whatever and you act like he was like, all right, well, I'm gay.
You're broke.
And it's just, he's, I truly, he's like Floyd, where Floyd is like this the whole time.
And you can punch him, but it just kind of goes off of him.
And then he's going to jab you.
He calls him Debt Dash because he's in debt.
He's broke, everybody's saying.
And he says his label is going to be called Debt Jam.
And it's just constant jabs.
And it's like the most masterful trolling I've ever seen in my life.
And didn't break a sweat.
So effortless.
Because it's hard to be in the pocket like that sometimes when the guy's coming at you, but he just didn't even flinch.
Dude, he doesn't get emotional.
That's what when I lose in these things, it's usually because I get emotional.
I start caring.
He just laughs and just goes.
Yeah.
They wanted to leave like 10 times.
Yeah.
Exactly.
He keeps getting up.
He keeps sitting down.
Charlemagne, obviously, we love, we love because, you know, flagrant because of brilliant idiots and all that.
But like, when I watch him do this, this is my favorite version of him.
Yeah.
The therapy and anxiety.
Good for you.
Right.
I love this guy.
Yes.
That was great radio.
I mean, can you imagine driving around listening to that?
He's fantastic.
I listened to the whole hour on the way here.
It's just like, what a fucking, just shot after shot.
I think you're broke.
I think you're alive.
Just like so unaffected by the whole thing.
Well, it also shows how good Bill Burr is.
Did you see when he went on?
I don't know, maybe like a year ago.
Oh, yeah.
And he got the best of Charlemagne.
And Charlemagne's like, all right, all right.
Jesus.
You're like, damn, Bill Burr is vicious.
Because Charlemagne said pause or something like that.
Or hey, yo.
Because Bill Burr said something like, I've only seen one other person with my wife's energy was the dude that I met.
And then Bill Burr, and then Charlemagne goes, hey, yo.
And then Bill just like, can you not fucking do that?
Can you not do the thing where it's always gay and blah, blah, blah.
And he just cuts the legs out of him.
And then Charlemagne just laughs and he moves on.
That's the thing.
If you get the best of Charlemagne, he's not going to take it personally.
Yes.
He might be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, but he's never going to take it personally.
He respects like the craft of like banter.
Yeah, yeah.
And Bill's so good that he was like, all right, with your manicured eyebrows.
Or when he said something like that, where you're like, damn, that was specific.
I don't know how you teach a kid that.
You know what I mean?
Because I don't know if I have, I don't got that.
You know what I mean?
Like, just be able to sit there and just dodge fucking insults.
But I'm like, I feel like I should teach my kid how to be able to handle himself.
It's incredible.
You got to let them run around with other kids and just have them do it with each other.
It's the only way.
It's the only way.
It's like fighting.
You're not going to teach someone how to fight by talking.
You got to just let them fight.
You're either going to get bullied or learn how to just get back at the book.
Exactly.
But I was good at that, but I would still get emotionally like, I would make it a point to be like, well, I'm going to beat you because that hurt my feelings.
Charlamagne is like, I'm going to beat you, but that was great.
What you did was really good.
And I'm still going to beat you.
That's like, to me, just like, I love that.
With the crowd, the most fun I have is if they're trying to get me and I can just laugh at it and then come back at them.
Those are always my favorite moments.
Like if somebody says something about me that I laugh at and I'm like, that's good.
And then I give it back to them.
Great.
What do you think is your best, I'm putting you on the spot here, your best heckle response where you're like, damn, I'm actually kind of proud that I got that out instantly.
Like somebody said something to you and you're like, uh-oh.
And then you zinged them back and it killed.
Yeah, I don't know if I have a one.
I think one girl, a black girl at a show, said something to me about how there's no other Indians in here or something.
I said, well, listen, you might not be Indian, but your hair is.
I remember a dude started standing up clapping.
He was just like, that's awesome.
Damn.
Let that clip up.
I don't have it.
They weren't recording the sets back then.
This is when I was a youngin', and that was all I was good at is arguing with people.
That's a great, great retort.
Yeah.
Have you had any singers like that?
I had one.
I was a newcomer.
I was at the Fort Lauderdale improv opening for somebody.
It was just there two days ago.
Yeah.
Great club, but I was green.
They were ganging up on me.
I sucked.
And this lady, this big fat lady, yells out, boo.
And I said, ma'am, are you saying boo or moo?
Her friends died.
Everybody, she was like, all right, all right, all right.
That felt pretty good.
Especially when you're up against it.
Like, I'm losing this whole set.
I'm bothering.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, and that can get you back on now.
Oh, you put a wow.
I'll remember that forever.
Yeah.
That was big.
Yeah.
I've only had like a handful of like people mean, really, like, heckling, like, fuck this guy.
And it was your dad.
Montreal never.
Or Mark's dad.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You're a mistake.
Yeah.
But I, I don't know.
I never had like a, like a, like a banger.
I think of him in the shower later.
Yes.
That's the worst.
No, I've seen, I don't remember what the fuck it was.
In Kansas City, it was kind of going, it was a dirt show during COVID.
You, me, and Andrew.
And then somebody was just yelling something.
I don't fuck.
I forgot what you said, but he just flipped the whole thing on him.
I don't even remember.
I try to forget those things.
Anytime, if someone's.
I could tell you didn't, I could tell he hated it, but he got it and got out of it.
Yeah, I actually, I remember, I don't remember what it was, though.
But anytime someone leaves a show and they are mad, I always feel bad.
Yeah, same.
Like, even if someone's being an asshole and they're like, fuck you.
There was a guy one time in Salt Lake City that did like a joke about like TikTok and how like it's making like kids sexual.
And I was like, I don't like that TikTok is doing all this.
And it was like very much like an anti-like TikTok kids dancing joke.
And the guy was like, man, this is fucked up.
All y'all laughing at pedophile shit.
And then walked out.
And I had like a zinger afterwards.
And I was like, but after the show, I just walked away.
I was like, I wish I could say sorry to him.
I felt bad that he had such a bad reaction.
Yeah.
Like, I don't like that he would leave.
Like, you're so disgusted.
I know.
I am disgusted by his get over it.
I feel like I'm not.
He made money.
He got a babysitter problem.
His kid's getting diddled right now.
He's a loser.
Yeah, he's shitting on your act.
Yeah, dude.
Stop making a joke so personally, you fucking loser.
Yes.
Jesus Christ.
We're a fucking loser.
You're damned dash.
You know what I mean?
You're getting up and walking out.
Whoa.
He's just a loser.
That is true.
He's walking out.
Come on.
Yeah.
But like, if someone walks out pissed, I'm like, oh, man, I feel bad about it.
Well, you think Chris Rock felt that way?
It's like, ah, Will Smith.
Yeah, he's pissed off.
I feel bad.
No, that guy was a dick.
Yeah, true.
By the way, how about his career?
That is really.
He did that weird rapping in the street that no one likes.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm so one of the few comics that still just really makes it a point to hate this guy publicly, Will Smith.
And we're all just kind of acting like what he's doing is acceptable.
It's not acceptable.
It's embarrassing.
It is.
Yeah.
He had a movie come out.
It flopped.
I mean, he's.
Which one?
It was like a slave movie.
It came out right after.
Oh, that flopped.
But then Bad Boys hit after.
Oh, that's true.
That's true.
Yeah, we because we argued with Charlemagne about this.
He insisted on defending Will Smith, which is a funny take, but no, it's embarrassing.
Yeah, that's left.
I like girls, girls.
Like, what are we doing?
You used to be good at rapping.
You're almost 60.
What are you doing?
How old is Will Smith?
55 at least?
53?
You're doing, I like girl.
No, 56.
56.
He's 56.
Oh, really?
Wow.
They're toying with New Rose because the Tom Brady one did well.
And Will Smith is one of the ideas they're throwing out there, which I think would redeem him.
Yeah.
Like, oh, you're the guy who couldn't take a joke.
Now let's.
Yeah, that would be good.
And comics would go extra hard.
Oh, yeah.
It would actually be epic television.
It would.
It would be.
It would be.
We're all good.
Yes.
We're all good.
Yeah.
You sat there, you took all the jokes.
You proved that it's okay to get made fun of.
People are going to go super hard on your wife.
And Will, I think, is desperate enough for fame and acceptance to do it.
I think so, too.
And then it's like, all right, you took, you got your punishment.
All good.
You're good.
Yeah.
It's actually the ultimate way to redeem.
Yeah, that would be.
I think it would be good for him.
I don't think it saves him because I think most people don't care as much as we care about that whole thing.
As much, obviously.
But I think even to the general public, it'd be like, oh, good for him.
He did that.
Good for him.
He took the jokes.
Exactly.
And the jokes would be the best ever, bro.
It'd be great.
It'd be great.
Hey, you did a slave movie.
Haven't you had enough backlash?
Netflix, hire me.
Out the dome.
I know.
That was great.
That guy's good, man.
He's good.
Jada would get it too, though.
She would almost have to sign up as well.
Well, she would say no to him.
Right, right.
She doesn't care about much about his career from.
But she has to be there.
If you really wanted to be fireworks, I don't even honestly because she'd be so sour-faced the whole time.
It would just be perfect.
I was thinking about the Brady thing because I was like, who do you get after Brady?
It would be so massive.
This would be massive.
Yeah, it'd have to be Will Smith or like Putin or somebody like that.
It'd be some huge, crazy villain.
Yeah.
Especially after Brady after the roast was like, I didn't like it.
Like, he was a little bit like I would have reconsidered some things or something like that.
Because we kept going at his kids who he tries to keep relatively out of the way.
Exactly.
Yeah.
Relatively.
He did that Facebook thing and they were like kissing him on the mouth and that was weird.
Oh, yeah.
But Will makes it a point to put his whole family front and center and that's different.
And it's like, now you're on.
We're on.
Let's go.
Oh, yeah.
Willow?
Willow?
Is that Jaden?
Jay and Jayden.
Yeah, they would get it too.
Yeah.
Jaden Jessica got named creative director for Christian Louboutin's like men's line, I guess.
Okay.
The guy dresses like an absolute woman, though.
So I don't think so.
What are the men's clothes?
We're going to have suits.
We're going to have skirts, I mean?
Oh, geez.
That's going to be in the men's line.
You never know.
Or maybe you'll be doing it for both.
I would rather see him in charge of the women's line, to be honest.
I think he'd be better at that.
Yeah.
But you can't be.
Come on.
Damn.
Dresses like Magic Johnson.
That guy's wild.
Yeah.
I mean, women.
Holy shit.
Men in Atlanta are wearing skirts now.
You know what I mean?
Is that right?
Yeah.
I mean, the fashion paradigm has changed.
Well, Atlanta is also one of the gay cities in America, statistically.
So that makes actually.
And those guys in skirts will shoot you.
So exactly.
It kind of bounces out.
Right?
What does that mean?
It like bounces out.
You're still wearing a fucking skirt, bro.
Whoa, that's wild.
But it's harder to hide a gun.
So I actually think it's good.
Whether I'm dead or not, you still look like a fucking idiot.
Yikes.
Yeah, I'd rather be alive.
I think that's a squirt.
He's not even really committed to it.
Yeah.
Is it just because, like, my best friend used to wear a tennis fit?
Yeah.
Is anyone else confused?
Like, my brain is like, oh, the nice legs.
My best friend used to wear like really goofy clothes and play in basketball.
And he's a Chinese kid who's actually nice.
So he's like, it's so embarrassing for them to get crossed up by me wearing these.
Like, is that what that is?
Getting shot by a guy in a skirt is the most embarrassing way to get shot.
Right.
That's kind of smart, actually.
Because if the guy was wearing that, I probably wouldn't fuck with him.
You know, this guy doesn't got nice legs.
Yeah.
And is this Scottish appropriation?
Because that's a valid ass point.
That's appropriation.
Yeah.
You're appropriating gay Scottish things.
Scots are the first gays.
Yeah.
And they even got a gun, so don't get killed.
Okay.
That was French.
I liked it, dude.
I liked it.
The Scottish didn't wear underwear, by the way, under that thing.
They did?
No.
Oh, yeah.
That was the whole thing that they're fully just balls out.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I went to Tom's wedding.
Balls out.
No way.
Really?
Yeah.
How long was the kilt?
It was a ballroom game.
It's being super low.
But it's actually, it's nice.
Yeah.
But worth trying.
Yeah.
How is this?
Did the balls not smell as much?
No.
My balls stink.
It's like crazy.
Like crazy.
Really?
That's a turmeric or something?
Like, huh?
Bob's just goes, well, yeah, yeah, yeah.
The rest of me doesn't.
But the balls, dude, really?
Just brutal.
But it's a fun brutal.
And then sometimes you'll get like a snuff.
Like smelling salts.
If it's your balls, it's like a fun before you deadlift.
Just I don't mind it, but I know they stink.
Of course.
But it's like a good stink to me.
But I know to the general public would be atrocious.
Oh, bless our one.
I've had like a you jog and your wife's in the mood and you're like, all right, and she's blowing you.
You're like, whoo, you're a fucking saint.
Did I bring that up?
Yeah, that's love.
That's love.
Circumcision Pain Stories00:03:08
Because there's a real schmegma going on in the film.
Who knows?
You remember when he was talking about like taking the aggression out?
That's like a nice, you know what I mean?
Like, all right.
You were pretty mouthy all week.
Investigator mustard gas.
It's a chemical weapon.
Yeah, exactly.
Right.
There you go.
Now we're.
Wow.
Oh, yeah.
He's uncut too, so it's even worse.
Oh, you are?
Yeah, dude.
I'm intact.
What do you mean?
I know.
That means you got the smegma on the head.
If you don't wash, you just got to clean it.
I don't know.
My friend, Indian guy, he got circumcised at 33.
That's crazy.
He kept getting infected.
I got circumcised at four because I got infected or five because nobody taught me how to get circumcised on my dick.
Yeah, nobody taught me how to wash my dick.
I told my dad and I don't talk anymore.
How does that never come up?
I think it's come up.
You've got circumcised at five years old.
Yeah.
Do you remember it?
I remember afterward being in a lot of pain.
Oh, shit.
That is crazy.
Maybe I was four.
Four or five.
Something like that.
Dude, I'd never worn about you.
Maybe I was four.
But culture is that the norm is to not know.
Norm is to not.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, I had to.
I had to go Muslim with it.
That's why you stopped growing.
You were just traumatizing.
And they use a curvy sword.
That's crazy.
I never knew this about you.
Yeah.
I didn't know what was happening.
I went to sleep, woke up, part of my dick was missing.
Yeah, I need your parents had to notice it.
Go to the hospital.
Oh, yeah, I was fucked up, dude.
I was all fat.
Oh, man.
Fuck a little samosa.
Do you not want to try to get it back?
Do you not feel like, you know, I'm good, dude?
I didn't realize that this was like a loss leader or whatever.
You know what I mean?
Like, things ended up being better in the long run.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Now you're the weirdo.
I'm not the one.
Before I would have been like, oh, yeah, I guess this is the way you were born.
This is the way this is what God wanted.
This is the way your dicks are, dude.
Evolution put it that way.
And then you guys are getting rid of it.
Did you get your son circed?
Yeah.
Of course you did.
That is tricky.
You're all you guys are signing up to get a piece of your son's dick cut off.
Sure.
But so your parents.
I had to.
That's true.
This is a problem.
Yeah.
I was going to be 28 years later, I was going to be that guy.
Right, exactly.
You guys are more trans than me.
That's all I'm saying.
We're closer to trans.
That's true.
That's 100% true.
Objectively.
I can't argue with that.
Your dick is horrendous looking, though.
You don't even know.
You don't even know.
I might have like a little scully, like half, you know?
Like, there's different types of foreskin.
I did, mine is long.
Mine even shorter.
Mine looks like a blizzard ass.
Mine looks like an old man going to sleep in like the 1800s.
Have you looked around at the urinal, like at the troth?
Oh, it's my favorite.
Yeah.
Do you see what's the numbers?
It's mostly cut up.
Yeah.
Europe is uncut, though, right?
Exactly.
Yeah, they keep it natural.
Yeah.
I'm telling you, I think you feel more.
That's true.
You get more sensation.
You know?
Yeah.
I'm telling yourself.
It's true.
It's statistically true.
I mean, you're just rubbing against your fucking jeans all day, getting all desensitized.
Oh, I got underwear on.
I'm good.
Exactly.
It's rolling up in there, too.
I'm telling you, don't cut your kids' dicks off.
It's crazy.
I don't know why you would do it.
You can't.
Brooklyn Upbringing00:12:33
You live in Brooklyn.
You should love cutting your kids' dick off.
That's like your whole thing.
You guys are building the whole burrow off of that.
Yeah, that is true.
That is true.
Yeah.
The tunnel folk are cutting them off, but I don't.
Increased sensitivity.
There you go.
Yes.
I don't need more sensitivity.
I'm dizzy with my eyes, anyways.
Yeah, that's true.
I had sex with last night with my wife, and she was like, That's it.
Yeah, true story.
I treat it as a game.
I'll go like 35 seconds, like personal best.
You know, I feel like you're saying both.
Hey, I'm fucking.
Has any borough gone through a rebrand as embarrassing as Brooklyn?
That's a great thing.
It was the toughest before your time, probably.
Yeah, like it was the toughest place in the world.
And there's still pockets, but the branding of Brooklyn has become you.
Yes.
Crunchy hipster.
It went from Biggie and Jay-Z to this.
That's true.
I mean, that's also Manhattan, though.
You know, it's also when it's the wokest group.
Yeah.
But they're like pushing black people out.
Yeah.
It's just weird.
Yeah.
That's doing shows in Brooklyn would always be so funny where they were like wouldn't want to hear a joke about race.
And it's like, you're actively forcing black people out of their homes right now.
Yes, yes.
It's like diversity, not here.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It used to be Brooklyn.
Now it's just like Brooklyn?
Yeah.
A thousand percent.
It's just a girl's name now.
You know, yeah, it's true.
It's true.
Or a small dog.
I got mugged twice in Brooklyn.
When I moved here in 07, 08, I got mugged twice.
It was still dicey.
Yeah.
It would just start.
It was Williamsburg was the one pop.
Yes.
And then it just grew like herpes.
Yeah, I got mugged in Canarsie.
Fell asleep on the train.
Well, Canarsie's.
Yeah.
Yeah, you might still get it.
Canaries are wild.
You still might go crazy.
I was in the Big Brothers, Big Sisters program.
I went to my little brother's baby shower in Canarsie.
Son, this guy got a girl pregnant.
He had a record, and they were like, Would you be okay having a little brother with a record?
I was like, Yeah, sure.
And then we did a couple things together.
And he's like, Hey, man, I can't.
I'm having a kid.
I can't really.
So I went to the baby shower in Canarsie.
Wow.
That's so weird because you had a little brother already.
Like, why'd you need to rent a little brother?
Who's my little brother?
Don't you have a brother?
I have an older brother.
Oh, older brother.
Yeah.
But you have a brother already.
Why'd you need to say big brother's big?
I want to be the big brother.
I want to help a kid.
Yeah.
Maybe you don't like helping out young black kids.
I was trying to make the world better.
Canarsi, though, you got off the train and you felt yes.
The energy is like angry.
For sure.
Yeah.
It's different over there.
I've never felt it.
You feel it.
It's crazy.
You get off the train and it's like, oh, the people are angry here.
I went, this was like 2009, 2010, probably, but yeah.
Yeah.
You felt it.
Whatever happened to him, your little brother.
We never talked after you had the kid.
We couldn't get a hold of him.
I tried to try to call him every Wednesday.
I had a calendar notification on my phone for six years to call him.
And every time I would call him, I just get nothing.
Damn.
He's probably raising his kid, you know?
Probably doing well.
You did your job.
He was a sweet kid, dude.
Yeah.
What was his record?
He was fucking before I was.
Ain't that crazy?
I had to ask him.
What's it feel like?
Do you know what is record?
What is crime?
I didn't ask.
You didn't ask?
No.
That would have been day one for me.
Yeah, I know.
Right?
Nah, it's the past of the past, dude.
Let it be the past.
You're not going to rob me.
Oh, my God.
I'm broke.
But you might not be broke.
I was $15 at the time every time I walked around.
But I made my living off the tip bucket at the Village Lantern.
What?
I mean, if he's a 12-year-old criminal, you know what I mean?
$8 or $15.
He's 15.
He need to fuck me up.
Yeah.
All right.
Tall kid.
Tall kid, dude.
Six something.
Damn.
He'll fuck me up.
This would be a great movie.
This would be a great movie.
Right?
Yeah.
Like you being his big brother.
Dude, you could make this movie.
I love it.
You could direct.
I'll direct.
Yeah.
Let's do it.
That will be my little brother.
That's funny.
That would be hilarious.
Who was at the baby shower?
His baby mom, his mom, a bunch of other people I never met.
Never talked to again.
Damn.
Nice environment.
I looked fucking out of place for sure.
There's just a bunch of black people and some Indian kid just sitting in a corner, 30 years old or whatever I was, 28 years old.
Did you meet the parents and be like, man, we're doing such a good job?
No, no, I met the mom, but we didn't talk about how we had fucked up collectively.
Was he in a Burberry shirt?
That used to be the typical outfit.
I don't remember the baby shower for black people.
I remember he wore a lot of like arrow postal and shit like that.
Oh, weird.
Oh, hell yeah.
Yeah, that was like a thing.
Black kids in New York would wear like not Abercrombie, but like American Eagle and Arrow Postal.
All those like the lesser, maybe.
Yeah, it was weird.
That was like the hood outfit back then.
Trying to think of the name of the movie here.
But I need the N-word.
So you say it and I'll finish it.
No, start with it.
Yeah, I don't like it.
It felt weird.
It feels weird.
It was going to be N-word Masala.
Or maybe Nicie Sississippi Masala.
There you go.
Maybe you have no remorse for the record.
It could be sorry, not sorry.
Oh, that's good.
But I think the girls wear sorry, right?
Yeah, yeah, it's fine.
That's close enough.
Oh, that's good, dude.
Yeah, second bugging, Crown Heights.
Ooh, what happened there?
It was Jewish.
And then Eastern Parkway, and then all black, like Caribbean black.
I lived on the black side.
And I would always drink too much, go home, and I would get lost.
And then I just saw a bunch of guys shooting dice on the corner.
So I went across the street to dodge them.
And then a big guy, like an older black guy, saw me with an iPod, picked me up, slammed me against the wall, and those five guys shooting dice ran over and beat the hell out of them.
Really?
Really?
Yeah.
Wow.
Yeah.
That's fire, dude.
That's awesome.
I think they figured we can't have this white kid getting fucked up in the area.
And he brings the cops.
Exactly.
So we'll just beat the old guy up.
Wow.
So did you keep your iPod?
I didn't.
I just, he dropped me and I just kicked him once and I ran.
And you ran off without the iPod?
Yeah.
I was like, I don't know.
I was too flustered.
And I got that louder.
Oh, damn.
You got one kick in, though.
That's fun.
I got a little kick in.
He was on the ground.
They were just wailing on him, and I think I kicked his thigh and ran out of him.
I was listening like, Uptown girl.
The guy fucking me up.
Oh, man.
Yeah, dude.
Brooklyn has changed.
I mean, if you go to Williamsburg now, it's just like a mall.
It's like a shopping mall.
And it was Apple stores and Sephora and all that.
All that pretty much stores, wholesale.
Yeah, Prouder, right?
Some Hermes just opened.
Hermes, yeah, that's it.
That's crazy.
Wow.
I like that.
better than what you guys try to make it.
The granola.
You guys, I got there in 2019.
I had nothing to do with it.
You're responsible.
You are.
You've become it.
What did I bring?
You really are the problem.
What do you mean?
I was wearing Birkenstocks before.
You just got there late.
That's the only black thing about you.
That is true.
That is true.
Yeah, you look like the white liberal, you know what I mean?
Yeah, I mean, I can see it.
I do fit the stereotype.
Yeah.
And I also like all the amenities.
I like a smoothie.
Sure.
The smoothie's fantastic.
I don't mind these things.
I just mind the forcing of your ideology upon me as if you guys are living this like wonderful racial, like diverse life.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Yeah.
No, it is true.
You'll meet kids that are, their parents do work for like military industrial complex.
And they're like artists.
Yeah.
Great Colin Quinn joke.
He's like, I grew up in Brooklyn.
It was terrifying.
No one went on the L.
Now you go on the L, it looks like a ski lift.
Yeah.
Absolutely, dude.
That's so funny.
Yeah, just rich white people with those big goose coats, you know?
Yeah.
But isn't that Lower East Side now?
Like Lower East Side was like a seedy neighborhood.
Still got some stank on it.
It's still very Puerto Rican.
Yeah, yeah.
You can still get cheap Peruvian chicken.
Really?
Oh, yeah.
That's wonderful.
$5 chicken.
I mean, like, what pockets of New York still have that old New York vibe?
You know?
LES is probably one of the last in Manhattan.
Just, I mean, anywhere like around Manhattan.
What do you call that?
Washington Heights?
Yeah, that's a lot of fun.
Probably.
I don't go that high.
No, me neither.
It's just too far.
Harlem.
Yeah, Harlem's still Harlem.
Yeah, Harlem's still in Harlem.
South Bronx is a lot of people.
I think Spanish Harlem.
I lived in Harlem as it was starting to flip.
And I assume it's changed more because I was there 2009, 2010.
And you could see it starting to come.
I think they didn't like me because they knew what was about to happen.
Right, right, right.
I was a Harmington.
You're like the transition to white.
Yeah, yeah.
But the whites in Harlem are whites who just can't afford Williamsburg.
Yeah, right.
That's what I'm saying.
They changed the neighborhood very much.
But aren't they doing the same thing that Williamsburg did?
No, not really.
Williamsburg also wasn't just as broke as the people living there.
Historically black.
Williamsburg.
It was or it wasn't?
Was not.
Jewish or Jewish in Puerto Rican.
Jewish, Puerto Rican, and Italians.
Bushwick was a hood as fuck.
I lived in Bushwick.
That was still wild.
The roosters.
I mean, that was the word.
I'm not saying they wasn't, but I'm just.
Not Bushwick, though, but I'm just saying it just spread through all that was historically, I think, a black neighborhood.
Yes.
Comparatively to Williamsburg.
Fort Green, too.
Yeah.
Spike Lee.
Oh.
Still there.
That's where he's from.
He's still got his spot there in Fort Greene.
Really?
Bruce.
Do the right thing.
Where'd that take place?
In Britain.
Betsy.
Bets die.
Yeah, dude.
Yeah.
Boy, this is good regional material here.
Some guys in Denver are like, great.
We're talking about what the hell is Bets Die.
Okay.
All right.
You know what?
Let's do some sports because you're a sports fan.
I don't get to talk to sports people very often.
Just some fun.
You're a Knicks fan?
I like the Knicks.
The Pelicans suck.
I know you're a Saints fan.
Yes.
Yeah.
And that's about it.
I don't really watch a ton of sports except UFC and tennis.
I like individual sports.
Who loves tennis?
Tennis is recently got into it.
I love it.
That open this year was Unreal with Sinner and Carlos.
Did you go?
No, I wish.
Oh, damn.
It's also funny with the U.S. Open because it's like a two-week event.
Yeah.
And the celebrities get better and better.
Like the end, it's like Taylor Swift and Trump.
The beginning, it's like, is that Jason Biggs?
They really progress.
Yeah, I always want to go to the final.
I've been to night matches, but I saw Djokovic like 10 years ago.
He beat some guy in the quarterfinal and he lost a set, but we knew it was just, he obliterated it.
It's just not fun.
Right, right.
I would love.
Djokovic now would be great because he's on the tail end of his career.
But I want to go to a competitive match at night.
That'd be awesome.
I'd love it.
But I think you got to go to the whole tournament.
That was pretty good.
Carlos and who?
Incineroar.
That was incredible.
Oh, that was a good final.
That would have been fun.
He went to the final.
Yeah.
I couldn't go.
Oh, no.
I thought I was going to have shows or a wedding or something and then I couldn't make it.
And then I couldn't go, but I would love to go to a final that's good.
Yeah.
Or a night match is good.
Either one.
And I just never caught that.
I've been three times.
No, no.
I have a racket and I have a court, but I just can't get myself to do it.
Why?
I just know I would suck and then I would hate myself.
But I'm going to do it.
I'm going to do it.
I'm going to put tracks on the wall, you know, just me on the wall.
And then it's so much fun.
Really?
And I like pickleball.
Okay.
So you like pickleball.
Yeah, yo, what?
Okay, I'm in.
How'd you get into individual sports?
That's later in life?
Because that's, I think, I'm starting to try to do.
Oh, really?
Well, I think stand-up, I relate now.
Because it's like, you know, UFC feels like you're versus another guy.
It feels like you versus the crowd.
Yeah.
You know, and then tennis, I just like the mental part of it.
You know, like just you and this guy.
Who's better?
Let's go.
No coach.
You play a lot of matches, I assume.
Yeah.
There's nothing as mental as tennis.
Not to say, I mean, UFC is violent.
It's a whole different thing.
But like in terms of getting in your head and having to battle your own mind, tennis, I've never experienced anything like that.
Yeah.
Netflix, did they do that?
Untold or whatever it's called?
Breakpoint.
Yeah.
Marty Fish.
Yeah.
He was an unbelievable tennis player.
He got the yips and he couldn't shake it and he had to quit.
Yeah.
He quit?
Quit the whole business.
I'm pretty sure he was a double-handed forehand, though, which is just nuts.
Oh, really?
I think maybe it was somebody else.
But it was a tennis player that had a double-handed forehand.
You know, the backhands normally.
He was double-handed on both.
It was like, what the fuck is going on here, dude?
Has he ever talked about it?
Like, why he couldn't compete?
Like, after he's retired?
Just couldn't get out of his head.
Really?
Yeah.
Golf, I assume, is even more mental.
But yeah, tennis, you're still, you're competing against another guy.
Yes.
It's just me and this guy, and it's so momentum heavy.
Yes, exactly.
Before every point, I'm coaching myself.
Like I'm repeating monsters like, oh, loosen up, extend, like follow through.
And then when you make a mistake, you got another point.
So you can either climb out of it or climb in deeper and deeper into it.
And you're just in this fucking hole sometimes.
And you just need one thing to break your way, and then it can flip.
Yes.
You hit, you know, the ball hits the net and it bounces on your side.
Pit Bull Encounters00:04:03
Fuck me.
Everything's going wrong.
But if it bounces on the other side and he can't get to it, oh, okay.
I caught a break.
Now I get a little confidence.
And now I start playing.
It's just a crazy.
There's nothing like it.
No, no, no.
I like that.
I like the mental component.
Like, I've always found that my friends that were the best at like being cool in those kinds of high-pressure situations were not really phased by anything in life.
They were like Charlemagne.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But like just anything would happen.
They'd kind of just be like, yeah, whatever.
We'd be like before like a big game.
It's like the state championship.
Like you worried?
They're like, no.
But like, and not like they were putting it on.
They weren't projecting how cool they were.
They were just like, yeah, it's not a big deal.
It'll be good.
If you watch like the Weigh-Ins, not the Weigh-Ins brothers, but like Weigh-in, and you see like one guy's like, I'm going to fuck you up.
And he pushes him.
And the other guy's like, we're just doing a photo.
Like, we're nose to nose.
We're like, what are you pushing me?
That guy always loses.
The loud guy always is, you know, overcompensating.
Yes.
Yeah, I don't know.
There's always like a sense of like, yeah, they're just not.
It doesn't seem like they're thinking about every other thing that could go wrong.
Yeah.
You ever see like a Chihuahua and a Doverman Pinterest?
And Charles's like, man.
My dog is a little dog.
And he barks to these big dogs.
The big dog don't give a fuck.
Exactly.
Because he's not worried.
Yeah.
I saw a pit bull do this one time and I grabbed my dog.
I was like, that dog will fucking kill you.
And he's just letting you know right now.
That's all it takes.
Yep.
Yep.
And this is a word for Michael Vick.
Yeah.
Oh, dude, did you see the Kyler Murray young man?
No.
No, this is so good.
Kyler Murray took some kind of picture for some, I don't know, dog shelter, ASPCA thing, and look at the fucking jersey he's wearing.
Oh, that's a great touch.
With what looks like a pit bull.
I mean, this is the craziest shit I've ever seen in my life.
Damn, that's like doing a Me Too protest while wearing a Cosby sweater.
It's so good.
That was the most PC thing Hocker's ever done.
Looks like a Pitbull.
You did the thing that they do at animal shelters.
I'm saying he could be a mixed breed.
Yeah.
No, that's a Pit Bull.
Like Alex.
Pit Bull.
It's a terrifying dog.
Fuck.
Yeah.
He's ripped.
Yeah, the dog could be portrayed.
No, you don't know.
These dogs are jacked, dude.
Yeah.
These dogs are terrifying.
They're beautiful, but they're terrifying.
Is that an homage to Vic?
Or like a troll?
It has to be a troll.
How do you not think about this?
That's crazy.
And they even got a, let's get an extra photo.
It's insane, dude.
Was Michael Vick running the dogfighting ring?
Like, what was his?
I'm pretty sure he actively was killing dogs, if I'm not mistaken.
Really?
I think that's what I've heard.
And he, look, he served his time.
I love dogs, but he served his time.
Fine.
Sure.
I get it.
Now he's doing it.
He lives.
He works as a butcher in China.
How's the last Chinese dog?
I hope not.
All right.
Please give me one more.
Okay.
I mean, it's impressive.
I don't know.
I wouldn't want to see it, but I would watch cockfighting.
I've seen that.
Really?
It ain't pretty.
Really?
Yeah.
I went to Puerto Rico with the wife as a vacation, and I was like, I wonder if they still have cockfighting.
Still legal.
Yep.
We went to this weird ring.
It's like a circular arena.
This guy's in wife beaters waving cash out of a movie.
And they open the cage, two roosters, peck, one wins, and he keeps pecking them.
Pecking the eye, and they have to pull him away.
Like an angry guy who's like, let me out of here.
No way.
Yeah, it's brutal.
Do they have the blades on the foot?
Yes.
Yes.
That's the crazy part.
They put a blade on the foot of the chickens.
So they have an extra little like.
Oh, it seems fun.
It seems no fun.
It's no fun.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Have you gotten more like animal?
It might take a couple of years.
I'm more like animal rights, I guess.
Not rights, but like I feel a lot more for animals post having a dog.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm a little bit more.
Still, I'm like human overdog, but you know how like some people are just like, oh, they love dogs more than they love humans.
But I'm getting that.
My wife showed me videos like one of these, what it puppy mills or whatever, like 400 like little dogs in this one thing, and they're all dirty.
And I'm like, yo, that owner should be fucking shot, or that guy that runs it should be shot in the head.
Animal Rights Debate00:01:20
Yeah, I agree.
But like, fuck that guy.
Shoot him in the head.
I'm truly like that now.
Yeah.
I mean, that's how I feel with vegans.
Like, I agree.
Shut him in the head.
Like, I sort of agree with them.
Like, a vegan would be like, have you seen this video of this thing where like they take all the pigs and they fucking shoot them in the head?
And I'm like, you're right.
They're right.
But I'm not sure.
I'm not going to change the thing.
Yeah, I'm not going to change it.
But you are right.
And I kind of just, like, I'm just like, yeah, I'm inconsistent.
Exactly.
Well, what do you guys think?
They say in like 50 years, we won't be, meat will be illegal.
I think people have 3D printed food or whatever other alternatives that are the same.
And people are going to be like, no, it's not.
And it's going to be the same.
You think?
I think so.
Well, they say it's going to be like what we look at slavery.
Yeah.
The way we look at this.
I think, I don't know about slavery, but they're going to look at it being like a really brutal thing.
Like they just have slaughterhouses.
Exactly.
That's crazy.
But if we have a civil war over it, I think the meat eagers will win.