Bobby Kelly recounts his gritty early career, detailing relentless roasts by Bill Burr and Patrice O'Neal, a traumatic car accident involving a priest, and losing 100 pounds during the pandemic after financial ruin. He contrasts the supportive "back table" culture of the late 90s with modern hypersensitivity, noting how fatherhood shifted his material from anger to family-oriented joy. Kelly credits his stepfather Larry for saving him from drugs and argues that while social media gatekeepers hinder new talent, classic TV proved comedy can honestly address race without fear, urging artists to prioritize authentic experiences over political correctness. [Automatically generated summary]
Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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Comedy on a Bus to Yankee Stadium00:14:51
And we would pick somebody.
You came in with a certain jacket or a hat.
I remember Matrice came in.
He looked like he sold his own barbecue sauce.
I mean, Billy Burr one night, one of the greatest smashings ever was when he was doing comedy on a bus to get World Series tickets.
Like a tour bus?
No, on a bus to the Yankee Stadium.
So he would jump on the bus and they'd do stand-up.
And then some people in the movie just joke that Scott would.
This is why, bro.
These are girthy.
This is, I'd like to say, this is my favorite.
This is my dick right here.
This is, if I was going to say, go get a cigar, this is my dick.
Yours looks like this, you're saying?
Now it does, yeah.
But before?
When I was a little chubbier, it looked like a nub.
Well, it is true.
It shrinks, right?
Buddy, you don't even understand.
When you get fat, your stomach gets big, but you have a dick stomach.
I didn't know there was a dick stomach until all of a sudden I used to jerk off with one hand.
Yeah.
And now.
Then I started jerking off with just two fingers.
No.
Dude.
So you were just losing digits.
You're like King Viseris.
You love that show, don't you?
Yeah, yeah.
Chick watching it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's a fucking nice night in, isn't it?
It is.
It is.
Music.
Yeah, yeah.
A bunch of ladies crying about being pregnant.
Just kill it.
I'm going to die at 23 anyways.
You know what I mean?
Nobody lives.
Nobody outlives their kids back then.
Your kid's going to catch something, cut his thing on a rusty nail, get fucking sepsis, die by a river.
Dude, your dick gets smaller.
When the fatter you get, your dick goes away.
And when you lose weight, like I was jerking off to full fist?
I'm back to one and I can do this.
Oh, my boy.
There you go.
My boy.
Give it up.
He's fat.
There's a little asterisk next to it.
Okay.
I have to push down.
Yeah, of course.
I got to push.
Of course.
I lost weight.
Like Chase said the other night.
I was like, yeah, you look great.
I was like, thanks.
I lost the weight.
He was like, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Not the weight.
You didn't lose the weight.
You lost some weight.
I was like, okay, wow.
I was like, good point.
Wow.
I lost 100 pounds, though.
Yeah, that's a lot of weight.
And you gained about three back in your dick, so you lost 103 pounds.
Think about this.
Think about it.
I think I have a perfect dick.
But my dick, here's the thing: when you're fat, it's almost like when you're in a car accident or you get some type of, you get some, you know, cancer.
You need a few months to get your dick back.
You need to get some vitamin D back into it.
Because it was away for a while.
It was hiding out.
So my dick is coming back.
It's become.
It doesn't get as hard, you're saying?
Doesn't get as hard.
It's like a darker color from living in a cave.
That's a good thing sometimes.
No offense.
I got an al-Qaeda dick.
Hiding out in the cave, getting darker.
I do have a nice little tan helmet now.
Guys, if you don't already know, we are here with one of the greatest comedians alive.
One of my favorites, Bobby Kelly, is joining us.
Region flagrant.
Finally, it's been too long.
I can't believe that this is overwhelming.
I mean, what you've created here is fucking amazing.
Listen, we all did it.
This is a team effort.
I mean, I said we.
I didn't say you.
I said that.
You did say you, but it's fine.
I'm not going to say you.
I didn't correct you.
I'm not going to correct you.
Rewind it.
See if I did.
I meant you as a whole.
I got you.
The royal you.
Now, now you used to.
Did you?
No, no, but this is something really important while we're talking about this because you used to let special needs kids jerk off to you.
Can you go into that?
Whoa.
First of all, that's a lie.
They were elderly.
They weren't kids.
Sorry.
And it wasn't a day.
It was one.
Okay.
The regular one.
That's what I meant.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But there was a Princess Andrew adult that you were looking after.
Okay.
And it would rip it out.
No, you missed it.
And you would just pose for it.
No, no.
It was like art class or something.
No, that's a different story.
Okay.
No, this is you're mixing stories.
To make it more fun.
Right.
So, so, so, so.
No, this is this is true.
I lived with uh six when I was starting comedy and going to college for art.
I was going to be an art teacher, right?
So I needed a job that let me, you know, do my shit.
So my ex-girlfriend worked at this place where I got a free apartment, free room in this place.
I got paid 100 bucks a week and I got all my food for free.
I just had to be there from 11 to eight, five days a week.
To get jerked off on by retarded people.
No, not to get jerked off by retarded people.
But I live with six elderly mentally challenged.
What is it now?
Retarded.
Retarded.
So we went back to retarded.
And not in a disrespectful way.
We did go back to retarded.
I think retarded is making a push.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I lived with them.
They were elderly, 50 and up.
Okay.
And my first night there, I first night there, I heard Barry, who was my favorite, by the way.
Yeah.
Looks like me now.
Yeah, yeah.
Back then, but this was sexy Bob.
Yeah.
This was.
Oh, God, we got to get the old picture.
Sexy Bob.
I don't even know if there's a bonding.
I don't even know if there's a picture of me at this stage.
No, there is.
I have one.
I already know it.
It's in my comedy calendar in Boston.
You're at, you have an old picture up at the cellar.
Dude, better than that.
I don't think it gets better than that.
Dude, it's way better than that.
There's a comedy calendar out of Boston that, yeah, dude, that's Puerto Rican Bob.
Yep.
Oh, yeah.
Look at the eyebrow.
Look at that, Bob.
That's the worst photo ever taken of me.
Look at that top.
That's you.
Yeah, no, that's not me.
That one right there.
That's at Comic-Con Hall H. Wow.
And the guy took the photo underneath my neck.
Ugh, I look like a manatee.
You look like you should pat me and throw me a fish.
You look like a bad guy in Daredevil, really?
Well, you don't look kingpin.
Yeah.
I mean, dude, fucking kingpin.
Yeah, there's not up there.
Look at that sexy with the scarf.
Can you go back to these mentally challenged adults?
So Barry, Barry, who looks like you now was in the room.
Yeah.
And I heard mom, mom, mom, mom.
And I'm panicking.
I'm supposed to be watching these guys.
So I run in in my canary yellow bikini underwear.
I had a bikini under.
That's how hot it was.
Yeah, yeah.
And I run in and he's jerking off to me.
And he's like, bomb bomb bomb.
And I'm like, what is Bob?
He's saying my name.
Bob.
He's calling me.
Bob.
Bob.
Mom, Bob.
Come get it.
So I'm like, well, I didn't know it was come get it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But I walked in.
He's like, get out of here.
Leave me alone.
And I'm like, he was imagining you and jerking off.
I was hot at the time.
But who screams the names when they're jerking off?
What?
You're not a guitar screamer?
Yeah.
Come on.
Come on.
You never talk when you jerked off.
No.
You never like, fuck, don't you fucking like that?
No, that's an act of shame.
You do that in silence.
Really?
That's an act of shame.
Yeah.
What do you do?
Aren't you Catholic?
Don't you understand guilt?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Fucking, yeah.
But I mean, I also understand perversion and priest molestation.
Did you get diddled by a priest?
Nah, I was.
No, he got diddled by an altar.
Almost almost.
Almost.
I can say this because he's dead now.
What I did, you know, I've been sober for 37 years.
God bless.
I got sober when I was 15.
You know, Juvie Hall, all that shit.
So I had it.
When you get sober, you have to do like steps and stuff like that.
When I was doing my fourth, it was my fifth step.
I forget which one it is.
I have to, you know, to God, another human being, and yourself, you have to admit all the exact natures of your wrongs.
So you have to go and sit with somebody, whether it be a sponsor.
I knew this priest who was in the program, and I sat down with him in the rectory in his room, and I told him all my shit.
Halfway up, I looked up.
He was literally sleeping.
I'm literally talking about the most devastating shit of my life.
All my secrets.
And he's would you say this is your first bomb?
My first fucking bomb in front of a priest.
Then when we get up to leave, he gives me a hug and I give him a hug.
And then he, oh, I can still feel it.
He soft-kissed the side of my neck.
Whoa.
And not once, twice.
Once I could be like, ah, I second time, I was like, I pulled away.
First time I froze.
And people are like, why don't you do something?
When somebody is about to molest you, you're like, what the fuck's going on?
You literally freeze.
And I was like, oh, shit.
What about fight or flight?
I thought that's what it is.
There was no fight or flight.
What if you get frozen?
What if you're not at 15?
You just did a hard time.
Dude, you know, listen.
He just about to do some more hard time.
I think it's.
I mean, I stayed.
I jerked him off.
100%.
If you just listened to me for two hours, at least you could do.
I wouldn't have blown him, but I fucking let him dirt off of my palm.
And then I said, is that disrespectful?
And I threw it on his Jesus pillow.
Is that the most disrespectful part that he slept and then tried to fuck you?
Dude, like, that's the craziest part.
I pulled away.
That was boring.
Let's make this a little more.
No, he's probably not even a, he's probably not even into it.
I just bored him so much.
He was like, I'm just going to suck this kid's neck.
He needs joy in his life.
He was doing it for you.
Yeah.
But I pulled away.
Yeah.
And then it was awkward.
Like, it wasn't, it wasn't like if there was tongue, like, yeah, yeah.
But he went, oh, wet lips.
Wet lips.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
But they were little Irish priest lips.
They really wanted that.
They're not like your lips or my lips.
Everybody's got good lips.
We got great lips on this.
The fact that you think you have good lips, let me know.
Andrew's lips are crazy.
No, we have, we have great lips.
He's got a great body.
Are you crazy, dude?
This guy got no lips.
He's had a great bottom.
He's a great bottom.
You're a fantastic bottom.
Look at those fucking pants that don't go all the way to the bottom.
Okay, okay, okay.
Yeah, he didn't.
He looks like Billy Squire, didn't he?
Shout out Billy Squire, who gets no respect.
These guys have been calling him gay for the first 30 minutes we were recording while I'm defending the guys that were the greatest rock and roll musicians ever.
That is the most outrageous horseshoe I've seen.
What are you talking about?
I had to teach you who the fuck Billy Squire was.
Oh my God.
Are you going to lie?
He's going to lie.
He's alive in the game of the podcast.
Oh my God.
I literally sit here like, listen, turn on this.
We will rock you shit.
It's true.
He told me the whole history.
And you were like, well, is this the guy from fucking Bohemian Rebson that you were like trying to act like I don't know?
Come on.
Wow.
You're acting weird not again.
Wow.
You're killing it.
I'm giving away so.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Listen, this is how priests get away with it.
Wait till I tell you what I think.
Oh, that's funny.
That's funny.
That's fun.
Abby, you're going to love the cult, bro.
Yeah, yeah.
We're going to put you on a rock music.
Okay.
Okay, so what happened?
It's an awkward moment.
He takes his lips off of you.
Right?
He was 100% sure you were going to be about it, too.
I think he was.
Because here's the deal.
We would hang out all the time.
Yeah.
Right?
Oh, so you slow played you.
Dude, he was grooming me.
Big time.
But I didn't know that.
Like, he'd take me to like, there was this Kelly's place.
He'd be like, you want to go get some fried clams and french fries?
And I'd be like, yeah, let's go.
You understand?
We were in meetings together.
You know what I mean?
So, I mean, this guy helped me a lot.
Yeah.
He helped me a lot in early sobriety.
Sexual frustration.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, he really did.
And then later on, I learned that when all that stuff went down, he had to go somewhere.
Yeah.
I mean, yeah.
But I was kind of mad that he, you know, he, you know, he gave a couple tries and then he just gave up.
It's like, I'm not worth a second shot.
Yeah.
I felt like that was the last time I saw him.
Yeah.
You went back.
Well, we were friends.
Of course I went back.
I mean, it wasn't a.
You stayed friends with him after he tried to molest you?
I mean, Bobby's loyal, bro.
I'm like a fucking pimple that gets beat.
You're still helping me.
Stay back and I'll still help you out.
Yeah.
He actually, I got into my first car accident at a Gran Torino, coming home from banging this chick at Bentley College or whatever.
And I smacked, I was so happy.
It was such a great, I was like just in this fucking yeah, and I slammed into the Jersey barrier.
I just taken a turn on the, getting on the highway and I fucked up and I didn't know how to drive.
I had my license for like, I don't know, five months or something.
And I just went this way and I just went that way.
And I just slammed.
He came and picked me up in the middle of the night.
No way.
Yeah.
He's trying to nurse me back to health.
No way.
I had to suck his dick the whole way home.
Whole way home.
He finished.
And then he went like this and passed on.
He never, he never got to, after that, we kind of stopped hanging out.
It freaked me out a little.
Yeah, I think that that was.
Yeah, it was a little like, dude, what you, because you couldn't, I couldn't say that he actually wanted to.
You couldn't say that he actually wanted to.
It's not like, this isn't the first time.
I worked at a juvenile lockup.
One of the places I was actually in.
Yeah, Tom really liked you there.
Tom?
Yeah.
Who's Tom?
Tom, the guy.
Oh, shit.
They ran it.
This went bad.
No, it's Tom.
Didn't Tom run it?
Who's Tom?
Tom, the guy who ran the Juvie push.
No, no, that was my rehab.
Oh, the rehab.
Sorry.
Yeah, I'm like, this is, I'm trying to help you here.
I want to know what you're doing.
Everybody's here, like, what's he doing?
What's happening?
There's been a few moments in your life where you thought guys were going to molest you and then they didn't.
Well, Tom was formed.
When I went to rehab, you know, I had an opportunity to go to a co-ed six months or a all boys year.
And it was the first time I asked for advice to somebody.
I was like, how gay are you that you needed advice about that?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, dude, I was going to fucking die.
And it was like, if I went to a co-ed, I would have been drinking again.
I needed to get, I needed to get every, I needed to be away from it all, all my addictions.
So when I went to this place, it's in a house.
They called it normalization.
So they would have it in a neighborhood in this big houses and the whole house would be rehabs.
You know, there'd be groups and meetings and then they had the vans and they'd take you to AANA meetings and you went to the mall together.
You couldn't fraternize.
But my first day there, they took me into the room and there was this kid going, fuck this place.
I'm fucking out of here.
Fucking, you know, and I was like, Jesus Christ.
And all of a sudden, this guy comes down the stairs, old guy, fucking gray beard, smoking little misty cigarettes.
Normalization in Big Houses and Vans00:07:15
Yeah, fire.
And he fired.
My favorite.
He comes down and he goes, where's this fucking, where's this that wants to get the fuck out of here?
Where's this pussy?
Where is he?
Raise your fucking hand, you piece of shit.
And all the counselors are like, what the fuck?
And the kid goes, me.
He goes, you want to fucking go?
Get the fuck out, you little cocksucker, you little piece of shit, you fucking pussy.
Get the fuck out.
There's the door.
Get your shit.
Get the fuck out.
You cock fucking sucker.
You know how many kids need that spot and need that chair who are dying and you're fucking bitching about a little fucking thing.
Get the fuck out.
And the guy, one of the counselors, new guy, was like, Tom, I think he goes, fuck you.
You're fired.
Get the fuck out.
Wow.
And the guy goes, you want to leave?
Kid starts crying.
He goes, I just, he goes, listen, I'm trying to save your fucking life.
You're going to die if you walk out that door.
If you stay here, give us a shot and we'll save you.
Okay?
And the kid starts crying.
He's like, he goes, all right, come here.
He gives the kid a hug.
You sit down.
Soft.
And then he goes, Where?
No, he didn't.
Then he goes, He goes, Where's Kelly?
I'm my pants.
I'm like, I'm in here.
So he goes, Up in my office.
I'm like, I gotta suck this.
Guy's caught too.
That's his nuts.
But one of the most, I got up to the office like a grandmother.
One of the most gentle guys ever.
He used to be in show business.
His wife was a famous opera singer.
He had money.
He had a jaguar.
He had it all.
Lost it all.
And he opened up this place called the Road Back to save kids, save young men from fucking going down the path he went.
And I mean, believe me, though, because I really did.
He would like, every once in a while, he'd go, all right, let's go.
And he'd bring a couple kids back to his house.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And you're like, ah, shit, here it goes.
Yeah.
So what you were literally thinking, now is the time where he's going to molest me.
Well, he would be like, he'd be like, all right, you know, they go to his house, these kids.
And I'm new, but all of a sudden, one night, he brings you to, he's like, all right, Kelly, come on, you want to come?
And I was like, yeah, I guess, ah, fuck.
I'm going to have to fucking this is.
I love this guy.
This guy is saving my life.
Now I'm going to go.
I got to go say, fuck you.
I'm going to have to fight him, beat him up, run.
I'm going to be on the homeless again.
I'm going to be on the street again.
Get to his house.
He's making fucking Stouffer's pizza.
And then he has us put these, he has us put the like stereo cabinet IKEA units together because he's too old.
He can't do it.
So he goes, Yeah, put this together for me.
And he makes us this pizza and all this stuff.
And then he's showing us his wife as an opera singer.
And he's telling us about how his life.
Then he comes out with all his old clothes because we don't have clothes.
We have what we, and he's, he has cashmere everything, Brooks Brothers, everything.
And he's going, yeah, grab whatever you want.
And you're grabbing these fucking Brooks Brothers cashmere sweaters and these clothes.
And he's like, all right, take it home.
And then the van comes and picks you up.
He goes, all right, guys, have a great night.
And then you go back and you're like, that was the most amazing night I've had.
I've been on the streets.
I've been in jail.
I haven't seen my family.
I got nobody.
And this guy didn't try to do any weird shit.
Yeah.
And then opened his heart up to me and opened up his life.
And it made you a stronger for a few days.
He believed in people, believed in humanity.
It made you believe in yourself.
It made you believe in other people.
And it gave you the strength to go a little forward with that.
Where did you get the confidence to think that all these guys wanted to fuck you?
We're sorry, dude.
I know right now you're fucked.
I know you're the guy now.
I know that.
I know that.
You're wearing extra thick corduroy shit.
I get it.
You're not asking anybody anything anymore.
You're not going, does this look good?
I get it.
Like, should there be a space between my socks and my pants?
I get it, brother.
I understand.
You know what I mean?
You're not asking anybody anything anymore.
But believe it or not, I just get dressed and I go, this looks good.
Yeah, you put on weird shit now.
This doesn't matter.
Oh, yeah, you're fucking nuts right now.
You're going crazy.
But when I, the back.
Corduroy is okay, but extra thick.
Dude, I remember one time Colin Crick came out of his house with brown corduroy converse.
I go, you got to take those off.
He's like, why?
Go take them off.
He took them off.
I threw them on the wire.
Got to go get new shoes.
I'm like, you're not wearing, I'm not, I won't allow it.
I love you.
You're one of my idols.
Yeah.
Get those off.
We came back, they were gone.
Somebody fucking climbed up at your seat.
Yeah.
But yeah, dude, back then I was fucking smoking, man.
I was smoking.
You know, you guys, all right.
So when I'm coming up in stand-up, I'm coming up at what was probably the end of what we know the back table as.
Yep.
Yeah.
And it, the back table like informed everything.
Informed like my idea of comedy, my idea of camaraderie.
It doesn't matter.
And it does.
It's on my brand new fucking new balance.
I'm worried about my fucking floor.
Well, dude, it's a floor.
Are those new balance?
Dude, listen.
Bring them, bring, bring them up.
Oh, man.
Listen to me.
Bring them up.
No, no, no.
Because you're 1080x 12s.
Jesus.
I wish those had laces so I could throw them on a wire up.
That's the most comfortable.
First of all, listen, that's the most comfortable shoe.
You're not fat anymore.
You know what to do?
Stop wearing the fat sneakers.
That's a comfy shoe, bro.
Yeah.
That's a coffee shoe, bro.
That's a coffee shoe.
I have a wide foot.
They don't make the fucking nice sneakers in watch.
I'm saying this isn't.
They don't want guys like me wearing nice fucking cool shoes.
They don't make it in the why.
I got to plant the fasciitis.
I'm 51.
I know I look like I could be maybe 10 years old.
I'm 51, you cocksucker.
This looks like I could be 10 years old.
He still thinks he's getting the lesson.
Still got the, you're taking him back.
This is the best part.
Look at this chick.
Okay.
What?
You crossing your legs for the first time in three years?
Three years?
It's longer?
Dude, I got, listen.
People don't know how much weight you've lost.
You've lost a significant amount of pounds.
Dude, I lost.
I was, it was at one point I was 350.
Yeah.
Did you film before you lost the weight?
Yeah.
You asshole.
Dude, what are you talking about?
I didn't know I was going to have a fucking life moment.
I didn't know.
Yeah.
What am I supposed to do?
Wait and see if I got my shit together?
Yeah.
Happened during the pandemic.
What?
Low weight loss?
No.
Because you said pandemic saved your life.
Well, no, it really did.
Honest to God, dude.
Because, you know, I'm a recovering addict.
I mean, I'm addicted to food, sex, drugs, whatever the fuck it is.
I will obsess about it and try to fill a hole and try to make shit okay, you know?
But the pandemic took everything away.
Losing Weight During the Pandemic00:03:32
Yeah.
It took it all away.
I built this whole thing where creeps were kids, me and Ron and Florentine and Voss.
And this thing was happening.
And I finally had some steam going where it was like, this is with Torrin.
Then every theater shuts down.
I mean, I was on stage, got a text from my agent.
They're all gone.
I'm like, what?
All your dates.
They're canceled.
I was 54 dates.
It was the first year of my comic life where my agent called me up a month before that, went, dude, I can't book you.
You're booked for the year.
So I can say no.
I can say yes.
I can go where I want, buy what I want, get my family what they, and not, I can go to bed at night and not worry, not have that thing over my head.
Yeah.
In one night, all gone.
And now my identity's gone.
What the fuck am I if I can't do this?
It was, I was you can't provide for your kids, so that's probably even my fucking friends call me up, you know, who are millionaire comedians.
Hey, dude, we're all in the same boat.
It's like, you got to buy me.
Dude, I don't know.
You know what I mean?
I'm not that guy.
Yeah.
I mean, I went from doing this to fucking gone.
So I, but it made me realize that I was, I was spiritually bankrupt, man.
You know, I didn't, I just didn't have it.
I wasn't, I was waking up looking at this instead of fucking sitting there and thinking about what am I grateful for?
What, like, let me take five minutes to think about what am I, what am I grateful for?
My family is healthy.
My wife, I have a, I built a family from where I was in jail, rehab, getting kissed on the neck.
My kid's never going to get kissed on the neck by a man.
You know what I mean?
And I'm sitting, and all of a sudden, a smile.
He's not that cute or what?
What's going on?
He's adorable.
Oh, he gets a cute man.
Yeah, he can't.
He's a cute kid.
But it's, I'd have to worry about him.
If this is the 70s and 80s, I'd have to take him everywhere.
I'd be like, yeah, no, you're not going to.
70s and 80s.
You don't think kids get fucked anymore?
Not like the way, not back in the day.
You ever go to a park?
When I went to a park, there's mothers everywhere.
I mean, it's so hard on pedophiles now.
Just mothers everywhere.
Go to a park, dude.
There's no kids.
When I was a kid, when I was a kid, that's true.
That's true.
When I was a kid, when I was younger than my son, who's nine, I used to go to the park by myself, which was, you know, 15 minutes down the road, and it would be me and other kids by ourselves at a huge park.
Where I mean, you're a pedophile.
You're walking up and you're like, nobody's a fucking ramper.
You go to a park now.
I mean, we learned our lesson about letting our kids, you know, I mean, it sucks.
I still let my kid do stuff.
I trust him because our generation, my generation, grew up with depression.
Yeah.
Because we were fucking hit, beat, fucking molested.
You're an idiot, asshole.
So we grew up with, but we grew up tough.
This generation grew up with anxiety because they were like, don't do that.
No, no, no.
They didn't do anything.
They didn't climb a roof or a fence.
They didn't go so far.
Whose fault is that?
That's your guys' fault.
It's not my fault.
My kid.
Your generation's fault was trying to protect the kids.
Yeah, because we were experienced.
Yeah, because we were getting fucked in vans.
We were scared.
Trusting Kids After Growing Up Broken00:13:46
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
Kids were just getting snatched.
Yeah.
That's kind of the point.
That's about Russell Peters' new hour.
It's like we complain about kids and they are annoying, but it's our fault.
We made them.
100%.
We made them like that.
But now, like, my generation is starting to correct that.
You know, like my kid, you know, I was on the roof the other day and he's like, Dad, can I come up?
Yeah.
Most parents, no.
How did you get up there?
I'm skinny now.
It was the end of the day.
I wasn't like, okay, okay.
I'm just a sleigh.
I thought that's how you go.
I love this guy.
He's very, dude.
He's fucking just waiting.
This is a guy in the building 200 yards away on the grassy knoll bed.
Yeah, he's been there for three days.
Just fucking sitting there like this.
Woo!
You didn't even see Santa, which makes it better.
We didn't be here.
You made these cocks do the work.
Glad you got there, bro.
Good for you, dude.
Okay.
Yeah.
Can you take us back to this time in comedy history?
I mean, this seriously.
Seriously.
Can you take us back to this time in comedy history?
What was the back table of the seller?
What was that?
Because there's probably a lot of people who know of it, but don't really understand the influence of it.
Well, you understand this: that back when that happened, there wasn't as many comics.
Is it just because you took up so much room at the table?
Jesus Christ.
This is the thing.
I was gorgeous back then.
Yeah.
You understand?
So that doesn't, that joke, if you look at the seller, it was gorgeous.
But I've been fat three times at the seller.
So you know what I'm saying?
I've had six fat.
Three of them were at the seller.
But I've also had two gorgeous.
I've had two gorgeous at the seller.
Because I'm trying to understand what's going on this time.
Like, what year is this?
This is 90s?
Late 90s, probably.
Late 90s, early aughts.
Is this after comedy boom that you hear about in the 80s?
Because the stories I hear from you guys are: it sounds like the dirt.
Have you read the book, The Dirt?
Molly Crew.
Molly Crew, the documentary.
It was like that.
It was like that because comedy was dead.
The cellar was dead, dude.
You understand the cellar was, dude, nobody went to the cellar.
It was the strip was the club.
The strip was the club.
Gotham was the club.
Oh, they had Live at Gotham, I remember.
Yeah, dude.
That was before that.
The other Gotham was.
The Strip was Eddie Murphy.
Gotham was like the champagne club of the, you know, you know, but the cellar and the Boston Comedy Club, it all started at the Boston College Club.
That's what me, Burr, Patrice, all of us.
Jay Moore.
I mean, dude, my first month there, I finally got a spot and I got bumped.
The guy, he came up, dude.
Chappelle's going up.
Then he came up, I got Jay Moore's going up.
Sorry, Jim Brewer's going up.
Sorry, Red Johnny the Rounds guy going up.
I mean, dude, I got bumped by all of them.
And then they put me up last in front of five people.
And then you went to the cellar and there was nobody there.
So when we started going to the cellar, I mean, dude, I had the 145 spot every night.
It was near Godfrey, and you'd be in front of four or five, six people.
And you would give a show like the room was packed.
You know what I mean?
To put things in perspective, now the cellar has what, five different rooms that are sold out every single night, multiple shows at night.
Yeah, it's just ridiculous with unbelievable.
Yeah, and Noam was a big part of it.
His father was great.
Yeah.
But Noam took it.
No, it's brilliant.
Noam, Lesy, Liz.
Took it to another fucking level.
But back then, dude, it was the love of the game.
Yeah.
And then you'd go upstairs.
So you'd get there at nine.
The show was from nine until two.
It's one show that's just running.
One show running, crowd comes in and out.
Yeah.
And you'd go there and you'd hang out all night because you got paid in food.
You got food.
And that's how you creates the back table.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So we would sit at that table waiting.
Yeah.
And there's nowhere else to go.
There's no other show.
There's no other club open.
You went to the cellar and that was your spot.
Or you went to the Boston and you came back and we would just sit there and until the sun came up a lot of times.
Like we'd hear birds chirping again.
And we would sit there and you would just, it would go from argument to philosophizing to just buy, and we would pick somebody.
You know what I mean?
And you came in with a certain fucking jacket, you know what I mean?
Or a hat.
I remember Patrice came in with a hat.
Like he looked like he sold his own barbecue sauce.
We smashed him for fucking 45 minutes.
And it's just everybody just going, just trying to come up with jokes about his stupid hat and outfit.
I mean, Billy Burr one night, one of the greatest smashings ever was when he was doing comedy on a bus to get World Series tickets.
What do you mean?
Dude, he was doing, he was going to do a tour bus?
No, on a bus to Yankee Stadium.
So he would jump on the bus and they'd do stand-up.
And he came in and we found out about it.
And I'm pretty sure he didn't do it.
Like we smat, we were like.
He was going to do it.
And then you guys bullied him at it.
Dude, it was so fucking brutal.
Like we would just every joke you could make about doing comedy on a bus, we would do it the fucking line.
You know what I mean?
Next up to the yellow line, you'd have to fucking open the door and fucking checking.
And then some people in the middle of this joke that's not just golden box.
Every joke you could do, we did.
Dude, I got smashed.
I got smashed.
So, I mean, it was just what we did.
Yeah, yeah.
What was my worst smashing?
Oh, God.
The Vespa?
Nope.
The Vespa was that they smashed me out of my Vespa.
I showed up with a white Vespa one night.
I sold it a week later.
I don't know what I was thinking.
I showed up with a house.
I had a white helmet.
I showed up.
And Keith, Keith Robinson was like, What did you put a helmet to me?
I had a helmet.
Yeah, you have to wear a helmet.
I showed up.
I called it the white unicorn.
Dude, sold to a Russian lady a week later.
Done.
But the worst pound I ever got was Keith and Patrice.
We went to Amsterdam for the first time.
Oh, yeah.
The Raymond is Lot shows.
Yes.
Yeah.
And for whatever reason, back in like the 90s, Amsterdam was like obsessed with New York comics, right?
They love comedy.
And there was a late night show there.
Yep.
And this guy, Raymond, I think.
No, this was before.
This was Franz.
Oh, okay.
This was before.
But they loved like New York comics.
Yeah, because, yeah.
Because they're the best.
There was no Netflix.
There was no comedy.
There was no internet.
Comedy.
There was no comedy anywhere.
Some of the earliest stuff I saw from you were sets on that show.
Fucking, yeah.
That was, this was before that.
Right?
So we're going to Amsterdam.
I'm fucking flipping out.
I'm going with Patrice.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This is the first time we traveled abroad.
And so the night before, I remember I went on 8th Ave.
Eighth Ave was all full of these clothing stores, like bang bang or zip zips or whatever.
You know what I mean?
Just random shit.
And it was all at that time, the polyester shirt, the Boeing shirt was in, but also polyester pants, believe it or not.
So I went in, I bought this outfit for like the Saturday night show, black on black.
And I bought nice shoes, like slip-on fucking stupid shoes.
But I didn't know.
We got there.
We checked into the hotel and it's a boutique hotel.
And it's literally a prison cell.
There's metal bunk beds.
The bathroom has no shower, just a drain in the floor.
And the window, we had a square window that you opened up into an alley with prostitutes.
So if we open up the window, dudes would look in the window, like see if they get their dicks on.
So Patrice and Keith, the hotel snobs, they're like fucking dip complaining, bitching.
I'm just happy to be there, Bob, you know?
So they call up the guy, this bullshit.
The guy's like, oh, if you want to leave, it's a half hour outside the city.
I'm like, I'll stay in.
This is fine for me.
I love this fucking grungy shit.
And they were like, you bitch, you're fucking used to it.
You want to come back to Amsterdam.
You're just fucking, you know, being a bitch, trying to ask-kiss this fucking guy so he likes you more than us.
Yeah.
Absolutely true.
100% fucking true.
So I'm in this place by myself.
And they're going to come pick me up the next night.
First of all, they go to the hotel.
It was 10 minutes down the road in the country, duplex.
They had a baby grand piano.
They had fucking swans in the backyard.
It was an amazing hotel.
I put this outfit on.
I didn't realize that the pants, it was a black polyester shirt with black polyester pants.
I didn't know the pants were bell bottoms.
Oh, shit.
So I'm like, I don't, there's nobody there to go, dude, you cool.
So I'm just like, this is all I got.
Like, so I step outside and I'm waiting for them to pull up in the van.
And before, as the van's pulling up, I hear, through the glass.
Motherfucker, Poppy!
The guy, Franz.
Patrice or Keith.
Keith, Patrice.
Keith, Keith's fucking over.
You can't see me.
He's over.
They can't even say anything for five minutes.
They're like, wow!
And I'm like, I'm like, are they laughing at me?
Patrice rolls out the window.
Bobby's wearing a fucking evening gown.
Meryl Street wanted to be Oscars.
You fucking f ⁇ ing, right?
Dude, I got no other.
I gotta go.
I'm in the van with them.
They're smashing me.
All the way to the filming.
Dude, not the filming.
We had a theater show packed.
All the way to the show.
I'm taking my heads against the window.
It hurts.
It actually was hurting my feelings.
Like, I couldn't even laugh at it because I was evening gown.
The fucking guy who was driving us who hated us, he had to pull the van over.
He had to pull the van over.
He was just laughing.
English second language.
It was such a bad, it was a bad fucking pounding, dude.
It fucking hurt my feelings.
Like I had to like figure shit out after that.
Like I had a fan.
I had to go on stage.
So I'm on stage.
I'm trying to keep my legs apart so it doesn't look like a dress.
That was the worst pounding that I've ever gotten.
Bummed?
No, I killed Keith.
I murdered.
Fucking murdered.
They had a show called The Bounce.
It was a black show after our show.
And I wasn't on it.
But the black girl comic didn't, she didn't get her passport in time.
You know, it was late.
The cigar movie.
I need a passport.
Yeah.
Anyways, it was late.
And Patrice and Keith were like, put fucking Kelly up.
Because at the time I'm going on at the Boston, I'm doing Sunday night, which is ruthless.
You know what I mean?
They put me on that Sunday night after every, you know, talent, everybody.
And then I remember one night they turned the lights on.
People started getting out.
No, we got one more white boy.
And I had to go up.
You know what I mean?
So I had to learn.
They were like, put him on.
And finally, they're like, all right, you sure?
And I went up in my evening gown.
And I fucking, I was so like, fuck you.
I just went and went fucking.
And I bang, bang, fucking, boom, bang.
I went, thank you, good night.
They were going, Bob, hey, Bob.
And Keith had to follow me.
So Patrice, after it was like, he literally, as I'm walking off stage, he just pushed Keith out of the way.
Mr. Kelly, this way.
Just push.
Mr. Kelly, this way.
Great show.
He goes, go back out.
I had to go back out.
I got an encore.
No.
Because they were going, Bob, hey, Bob.
Was it that retarded guy just jerking off?
Mama.
I miss those guys.
Yeah.
Dude, they were the, they were probably, dude, I became friends with those guys.
Yeah.
Because you think that they're the most gentle, funny dude.
They made me fucking laugh.
I used to sit with Barry in his room and watch TV.
Yeah.
Oh, you're talking about.
Yeah.
No, I'm not.
They're fucking assholes.
It fucking sucks that they're my friends.
If I have one's gone.
Someone's hanging on.
I want to move.
I want to be friends with you guys.
But I think, I think so much of that.
I don't know.
I was coming up and I was like in the middle of these two worlds, right?
I would come hang out at the table and you guys, and it's you, Voss, Norton, Keith.
And then you guys are just fucking obliterating each other.
And I'm watching this and I'm like, yeah, this is how I grew up kind of hanging out with my friends.
And there's another generation that's, I guess, after me that was a little bit like softer and kind of kinder.
And I was in this weird place where I was like, I can't tease these guys too much because then they think I don't like them.
And then I'd come hang out with you guys.
And I'd be like, I don't think there's anything I could say to offend these people.
No, because you were one of us and I would fuck with you.
We all fucked with you too.
It was the best.
We'd all fuck with you because you were like us.
You know what I mean?
If we, listen, we didn't like you like exactly.
We didn't like you.
We didn't talk to you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We didn't fuck with people that we were like, hey, man, but if we, if you were in, you were getting a smash into.
You know what I mean?
Because the thing that the fans don't understand, some of them, but it's, they never saw the love.
Saving Money with Scentbird Fragrance00:03:51
Yeah.
It was fucking real deep.
Like, I love you, man.
You know what I mean?
We really cared about you're spending fucking like eight hours a day with these people.
Eight hours a day.
Yeah.
Every fucking day.
None of us were headliners.
Yeah.
None of us were right.
We were in the city seven nights a week.
Yeah, yeah.
We were hustling and hanging out until the birds chirped.
So we, there was a fucking family.
Yeah.
We were family.
And so if we brought you in there, you know, you look, man, come on in, but this is what we do.
Yeah.
We're trying to help you check your ego a little bit.
Do you remember the first time you met him?
Don't have a touch me.
What were you saying?
Do I have to talk to him?
Is it you three?
Welcome to the day, brother.
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Is this story true?
Exclusive Offer for New Wallets00:09:59
Is the story true about the comic from Ohio that came to give Estee, who's a booger at the seller, his DVD, and you guys were all at the back table.
And then Patrice took the, he was like, oh, yeah, I'll give it to me.
I'll give it to him.
And then he took it out in front of him and then just snapped it in half on the table.
Yes.
That's well, it's true.
I mean, Voss came out with his first CD.
That was big back then.
He had a CD.
That's huge.
Yeah.
Real front, and he's like, I got my first CD.
I'm like, that, and Norton's like, dude, I want to buy it.
I want to be your first sale.
And he's like, really?
And I was like, yeah, dude.
And he goes, how much?
He goes, it's 20 bucks.
He goes, dude, here, I want this.
I want to, I want this.
And Voss is like, yeah, sure.
And Norton took it.
And as soon as he got it, he just put it on the ground.
We all stepped up.
Fucking asshole.
Nobody wants this.
Get it.
But the thing is, Voss was laughing as much as anybody.
Dude, the best.
Yeah.
Voss is ruthless.
He's absolutely ruthless, but he could take a fucking joke.
I've never seen him get like offended, like pissed off or anything like that.
He could take a joke.
Well, you want to see him get say Andrew Schultz does better crowd work than him.
You'll see him get fucking offended.
No, I'm kidding.
Hey, boss.
You're really great at crowd work, man.
And I stole sitting down from you.
That was fucking great.
You stole his essence?
I stole his essence.
Yeah.
Who said that?
Dane.
Was it Dane?
Said it to Kyle Cease.
No, send it to me.
Steve.
Steve Burns.
He said it to Steve Burns.
Shout out to Steve.
Yeah.
I don't know.
Maybe I romanticism.
He said the joke wasn't the same, but the essence was the same.
Here's the thing.
And people, if you look at comedy.
Dane influenced the fuck out of people.
That's you can't.
Everybody's, listen, you become who you are.
You see, absolutely.
Like, I stole Rogan's essence.
I remember being in Boston at the time, evening at the improv comedy, Caroline's comedy half hour, all seven minutes of clean comedy.
That's what everybody told you to do.
Seven minutes of clean.
You got to be clean or you won't get on TV.
And then all of a sudden I see Rogan on TV and he's on MTV Comedy Half Hour talking about pushing a girl's head down to get a blowjob.
How much pressure do you apply?
And I'm like, that's it.
That's me.
I'm not a clean guy.
I say fuck.
I'm from Boston.
My life's been fucked up.
That's what I talk about.
I can't talk about shit.
And I was like, that's it.
So you kind of go up, you kind of take, and then you evolve into who you are.
Yeah, yeah.
So, you know, taking somebody's essence.
I mean, Steve Byrne is Steve now.
Yeah.
Steve's silhouette.
That's the thing that one thing that all of us had back then is we were all the same, but we silhouetted.
You knew who what Patrice was.
Patrice did something different than Norton and Voss and Billy and me and Dane.
We all had similar, but we were all different.
We all had our thing that we did.
Yeah, I never saw you guys as very blended.
Like, I know, like, I remember coming up and seeing like the influence of Dane on so many different people, seeing the influence of a tail on so many different people.
Like, I mean, there was a moment where it was like escapable.
Yeah.
Big Jay, but now look at Big J.
And now Big Jay is completely himself.
And then there's Big J's influence on.
Fucking Big J right now is one of my favorites.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, I did a couple shows at Big Jay.
He's brilliant.
So Big J is fucking, you want to talk about brilliant crowd work.
Big J is fucking unbelievable.
Voss is going to fucking cut his.
Hey, hey, boss, Big J is still talking into a microphone on stage.
But besides that, still sitting down.
Yeah, yeah, sitting down.
Standing and sitting, we all got from Voss.
I mean, Voss is one of those guys, man, who, you know, he's a club comic.
Yeah.
He is a fucking club comic.
And he, there's only certain people that can go up and kill for an hour.
There's not a lot of motherfuckers that can go up and fucking step on their necks.
For an hour.
For an hour.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's like the special.
When Louis came to me, I was talking to him about, he's like, I did a show with him.
I tour with him a little bit.
He came up after one of my sets and he's like, why don't you have an hour?
I go, dude, I have more than an hour.
Just nobody will give me.
Nobody wants me to do it.
And I don't have the money to, it wasn't where the, you know, I didn't know how to, this, all the shit that you guys are doing now, right?
So it was like.
It was harder to self-produce before.
Well, you know, it's just, it's a curve that I didn't understand.
I came up in the generation.
You became as funny as the fuck.
You became so funny that you couldn't host.
You became so funny that you couldn't middle.
Headlines, I remember headliners saying, I'm not following.
I'm not following.
And then you became a headliner when it doesn't matter what the fuck was on before you.
You're the motherfucker.
You're changing the weather.
Yeah, yeah.
And you get up there.
Yeah.
And then somebody goes, you get a special.
Yeah.
You get your shit out of it.
Did you feel like there was more justice back then with it?
No, I don't.
It was just.
Did it feel like the funny guys got their due, though?
I'm trying to think of like of your generation, like who didn't get a shot?
Well, there's a lot of guys from Boston that didn't.
But maybe they were in the big cities because that's another thing.
If you're in a smaller city, especially back then, it's like nobody even knows that you.
I think that, you know, if you stay in that city, you're kind of making a choice.
Now you can do that.
I understood it much younger, but that's how I understood it.
It's like, you stay in Boston.
There's a funny ass guy who stayed in Dallas.
You made that choice.
Now with the internet, it's different people.
We were the first group.
We were one of the first groups to leave Boston.
We all left.
Like, I was the last one to leave.
Like, Billy, Dane left, then Billy, then Goleman, then Patrice.
Keith came up from Philly.
Keith came from Philly, took Big J, DeRosa, Lil Kev.
They called Kevin Hart Lil Kev.
Little Kev, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You guys would bully that man, but that's why he got so good.
Dude, he was funny, though, man.
That motherfucker.
I remember one night, Keith and him were driving me back to Jersey City when I was staying there when I was trying to move back from LA.
Yeah.
And because I was in LA for two years.
You know, because I act.
So I went out there and I got.
I was actually like a really good actor.
You are too, man.
Well, thank you.
That is acting right there.
Like, oh, dude, I did a thing.
We did things together.
I did a pilot as a kid.
I mean, it bugged me.
But you're like a dramatic good actor, too.
That's the thing that's like, we expect comics to be funny a lot of times, but you like to throw down a little tension.
I love acting.
The reason why I didn't, I was two years after everybody got here.
I actually quit comedy.
I didn't know that.
Back in Boston, I quit.
I actually got a, I hooked up with an acting teacher, Peter Kelly, and I started taking, he was an acting coach that worked at College of Pikmin, the casting agency.
And he taught, he handpicked students to come to his, he had a theater in his house, kind of in the ghetto too, in Boston.
And it was an old firehouse.
And he had this theater and he would handpick like the best actors he thought in Boston to work with him privately and then produce stuff.
And I went and worked with him.
I got on this class.
And did he also try to fuck you?
No, no.
No, I wish he did.
He was a fucking good looking guy.
But he would, dude, he was like the coolest motherfucker.
Looks amperson.
He was just the best acting teacher ever.
I remember it was, you know, he would, the first day, this girl was, he goes, stop acting.
And they were like, this girl was like, what?
He's like, you're acting.
Stop.
Listen.
And I was like, that's what I can do.
I'm not going to go to Shakespeare or not, but I can listen and I can, you know, that's what I was like, this guy's for me.
But I got a movie called The Koala Bet Kid.
And from that, I got another movie.
And then from that, I actually did a play called Four Dogs in a Bone by the guy.
The guy who wrote it was the guy who wrote Moonstruck.
And it was off Broadway.
So you were like acting acting.
Dude, I was doing script readings with famous people.
I was in that community.
What brings you back to New York?
I did all the stuff.
It was like a year and a half, maybe almost two years.
And I went and did a guest spot one night.
And you're like, nah, nothing.
And I was like, dude, I went up and fucking something.
It's something else, dude.
It's something else.
When you're up there, when you're doing a play, a comic play, you have to wait for the laughs.
And you have to do what this guy wrote.
You can't, you're not, you know, your instincts, you have to cut off.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You have to cut them off.
And you have to learn how to read these lines and deliver these jokes the way he wrote them.
And that's a hard thing to do.
But when you go on stage, freedom, man.
It's like the Hulk.
It's like all of a sudden, how does his super peril, he has to get mad.
It's like comics.
How does your, you can write a joke.
Yeah.
You can, we could all write a joke for somebody.
They'd go perform it and get laughs.
But how about when you just get up there and you're funny or something goes wrong?
Yeah, yeah.
The real funny motherfuckers.
That's pure.
That's the authentic shit.
Your superhero power.
It's the only honest moment up there.
That's why it was weird when we were coming up.
They used to really shit on like crowd work.
Like, oh, the industry doesn't know what to do with crowd work.
But to me, that was always the only honest moment up there.
Every bit I've done.
I know this works.
I'm kind of an actor who wrote my own script.
Right.
Crowd work.
This won't happen again.
This is honest.
This is pure.
Something goes wrong.
This is pure.
Well, you see, you see, like, I guess we would talk about this sometimes at the back table, but it's almost like when things go wrong, you kind of see where somebody's like true comedic instincts come out.
Well, the trick is, though, that I learned, because you can get too good at crowd work and then you go back to a joke.
But I did at the cellar when I was hosting there.
I would do crowd work and murder and then go back to my joke and fucking, they wanted nothing.
And they'd be like, what's going on?
So I had to make my jokes.
You have to make it so they don't know.
You don't know which is which.
They don't know what the fuck which is which.
They think you made the whole thing up.
And when you get that compliment, when they're like, did you make that all up?
Or this, how much of that is improv.
That's when you're doing it.
True Comedic Instincts When Things Go Wrong00:15:38
I think.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, I like, yeah, it's almost like that becomes the magic of it.
Like, I want people to not even know, have no fucking clue, because then it's just as exciting for them as it is for me almost.
Yeah.
Now I'm getting lost in this bit.
I don't know where this is going to go.
You don't know where it's going to go, but as soon as you, as soon as something you hear that goes into a bit, it's like dude, as soon as you hear that, this, that, and then they say this, you're like, boom, this is a bad thing.
They don't even know it was about to happen.
Boom.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And you go into that bit and it's just bang, bang, bang, and then you boom.
And what the fuck?
And you're like, okay, cool.
That's when you can mix those two.
Tell me the story.
You're going to Jersey.
This is with Kevin.
Kevin Keith.
I just had my girl.
We were moving in together.
And we were driving.
Kev's living with who, Patrice at the time or Keith?
Yeah, something like that, right?
They're both driving a shitbox.
Just Keith's shitty car at the time.
And it was Kev's garbage.
It was a Toyota or some shit.
And I'm in the back and I just got the two New York newspapers, right?
For the next day.
I got the papers to read.
And I'm in the back.
And I was like, yeah, I just got a joint bank account.
And they were like, they just silence.
Me and my girl just got a joint bank account.
They were like, what the fuck did you just do?
I'm like, we got a joint bank.
We're going to be sharing a bank account.
You fucking idiot.
I'm like, what?
And they fucking drove me seven blocks past where they were supposed to drop me off intentionally.
And it was in the ghetto.
And they took my papers and threw them out the window.
And they made me get out.
And it was like midwinter.
It was fucking freezing.
So I have to go, I don't want to litter.
So I'm kind of picking up.
I'm not a savage.
I'm not just going to fucking let the papers fly around, right?
I'm picking up these papers.
Is he going, ah, you fucking pussy?
They were just mad that I actually made a connection with my chick, you know?
But I heard a story of you guys throwing phone books at Kev when he was on stage.
Yeah, he was on stage.
I heard that was Patrice.
Yeah, we throw phone books at him on stage.
There's people in the crowd.
When somebody was killing, when somebody was killing, we wouldn't, it was like fucking whatever.
But we heard one of us was bombing.
Everybody knew that.
Yeah, that's the best.
But in the cellar, that hallway, you just see all of them just looking at you.
And it just did something eternally where all your confidence, all your ego just died.
And you're that little kid.
You know what I mean?
And the crowd sees it.
And then, like, we did it to Voss, I think it was last year.
Maybe two years ago.
Nikki Glazer was on.
Voss, you're great at Crowd Orc.
I don't know.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And comedy in general.
You're an absolute legend.
One of my favorites.
He's absolutely live.
But Nikki Glazer is murdering with like the most disgusting, funny fucking jizz.
I mean, really, kidding.
It's all young girls.
Yeah, yeah.
And she's fucking murdering.
Yeah, yeah.
And Voss has got to go up after her.
63.
Dresses like a fucking nine-year-old.
He's in a ska band, right?
So he goes up, he sits down, wrong move.
So me and Keith run over.
I go on one side of the stage, he goes on the other.
Every joke, we're like, wow.
Oh.
And then he's like, the crowd just, aww.
The whole crowd turns on him because of me and him doesn't.
He's so violently angry.
He's like, she just was talking about guzzling comedy.
How is that worse than that?
And then as soon as he said that, aww.
One girl turns to Liz and goes, why is he up there?
Why would you put somebody like that up there?
Talking about the first night that I auditioned.
Go, go, go, go.
First night I auditioned at the cellar.
Where's he going?
You go to the pit.
Sorry.
The first night I auditioned at the cellar, right?
If he doesn't come back, do we stop?
No, no, no.
We just keep going.
Okay.
Well, the Friday, I think Rock shows up.
The Saturday, I think Chappelle shows up.
So there's push for like the Sunday.
This is Sunday.
It's a late show.
And I think Keith was hosting, right?
And Voss just happened to be there.
And so Keith is holding.
I'm about to go do the first spot because that's the auditions house.
I'm just waiting by the exit door, ready to go on.
I'm so fucking nervous.
My entire time in comedy, I've been thinking about there's going to be a moment where I get to audition at the cellar.
And Voss starts heckling Keith, right?
And then for like 40 minutes, they're going back and forth, just being racist.
The crowd doesn't even know what the fuck is going on.
And then Voss was going, he's my friend.
It's okay.
You got to have one.
You just get one F.
And then, and I'm back there just melting because I have no fucking clue how to follow this shit.
And I went up and I bombed my fucking ass off.
Did not get it.
Yeah, you didn't.
No.
Yeah.
But that's.
But Essie, let me try it again.
Well, the funny thing is that moment.
Yeah.
Because I wasn't authentic.
I wasn't pure.
I should have gone up and just said something about it.
Shouldn't have watched.
Should have watched this shit.
I wouldn't have watched that shit.
That's true.
Yeah.
But those are the moments that the next time it's like, okay, that next truck up that hill that you're making.
That's with you.
Yeah.
So you're like, I fucking.
I knew I went up there with the energy like that didn't happen.
Instead of acknowledging what I was fucking feeling in the moment, it was like this great lesson.
Like I just tried to do like a late night set right after this amazing friend reaction.
Instead of being a comedian and being a comedian and being funny.
But you saw this like amazing friend reaction or interaction that was so like authentic and pure and everybody there, even if they felt uncomfortable or they were laughing, they're like, this is real.
And then I went up there and I just did these jokes that I'd been planning, which was so fake that they could fucking feel it.
That's why like this special we did with Louie.
When is it?
The special's out the 12th.
No, so October 8th.
Sorry, October 8th.
October 8th.
Saturday, LouisCK.com.
So this, this is, you said for this to come out the 11th.
Yes.
Okay, good.
So that's already out right now.
Louis C.K. Go to louisck.com.
There's a link on my website, Robert Kelly.
Louis C.K., it's on his site.
Yeah.
You know, but we talked about this.
Like, this is a killer club set.
I've seen the set.
It is fucking hysterical.
But we left in.
There's some shit happened, dude.
Like, we left in the improvs.
We left in the crowd work.
Good.
We left in and we set the cameras up so you can see who I'm talking about.
So there's moments in a club.
Yeah.
You do a theater show.
Yeah.
You're doing your set that you rehearsed.
Yeah.
And you do it.
And they're all going, you can hear.
It's like, ha.
Yeah.
When you do a club, you hear that late.
You can hear in my special.
Yeah.
There's one lady who's losing her shit.
And you hear her.
You hear her.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's what I love about clubs.
That's what I love about stand-up.
You're affecting somebody different.
A lady almost died.
Dude, 20 minutes into my fucking set.
You fell on her?
What?
What happened?
What happened?
Well, you know, dude, this whole thing was a very quick buildup.
And, you know, like I told him my concept and his concept was, I just want you to murder in a club.
And I said, well, let's create this kill box, like the seller is a kill box.
Intimate, tight.
Right.
And I wanted the Elvis' 68 comeback special to me was the greatest thing Elvis.
It's a Christmas special?
No, it's not the Christmas.
It's the comeback special.
He's in the leather suit.
Okay.
And I couldn't get a leather suit to fit me.
So I just got this jacket that kind of fit.
It's a leather.
So I kind of look like Elvis.
Just fucking at the end.
I thought you couldn't get a leather suit that fits.
Dude, I was going to get a leather suit like him.
It comes from cows.
You know what I mean?
Like, I would have acted only like 75.
Peter would have fucking been outrageous over that.
It would have been stitches.
You know, you would have saw patches of cows.
But so we created this room.
It was a blank space.
Coastal creatives.
Yeah.
And say, Pete, fucking, dude, great.
These guys are fucking amazing.
Yeah, yeah.
Because they're like, dude, we'll help you.
We believe in this.
Build what you want.
And it was amazing.
So they built this thing.
It's all tiers.
Like people go, it's this square box with people all around.
So you can see everybody.
Everybody can see each other.
Every camera has crowd.
I love it.
Right.
I love it.
So we created this fucking thing.
So where I killed, but so we're doing, I walk out, you build up to this moment.
Mike Calta.
Yeah.
Shout out to Mike.
Number one best friend.
His band opened up Pitbull Todd.
We're in fucking Tampa.
We need a fucking chubby rock band.
So they're above me on a balcony fucking dynamite.
That's great.
And they're killing it.
And then if camera comes down and Mike intros me, I'm going to walk out onto the stage.
It's only fucking 12 inches high.
Thank God.
Everybody's fucking right here.
Nobody's waiting, you know?
And I get on stage.
And as I'm walking out, this fucking drunk fucking bitch who went to the bathroom thought it'd be a good time to go to the bathroom.
And they say my name, she runs in front of me.
And I'm like, you fucking.
She's like, sorry, right?
I get on stage, my knee gives out because I'm wearing stupid Nikes and they're flat bottoms.
Yeah, yeah.
So my knee twists.
I'm like, fuck.
But anyways, I get into it.
I'm going to go.
Yeah, that's why.
You're right.
All right.
Right.
Fucking point taken, you scientists.
There was other factors.
It's not the flat bottoms.
It's the fat bottom.
This is the fact that I'm shaped like an egg on fucking toothpicks.
So I go out.
I'm 20 minutes in.
I'm finally like, I got it.
We're doing it.
This is, I'm fucking in it.
Right.
And then I hear, help her.
Holy shit.
I'm like, I didn't, I didn't hear that.
And please help her.
I look, there's a lady going, second road, center stage.
And this husband's like, please help her somebody.
The fucking, I'm like, what's going on?
The room shuts down.
Fucking chairs are being ripped out.
The lights go on.
I'm on stage.
I'm like, give her some water.
I don't know what the fuck's happening.
All of a sudden, I'm off stage near the back door.
There's chairs on my stage.
I was just killing.
Everything was perfect.
And it's over.
And Louis and everybody's out and it's going on.
They're trying to get this lady out.
They don't know what's going on.
They get like, you know, 15 minutes goes by.
And then I see Louie go, we're good, we're good, go ahead.
I'm like, I'm not fucking good.
I got to go back on stage.
Yeah.
And that's where the, that's where.
You could go back to the jokes.
Or if I don't acknowledge this, if I don't fucking say something about this, right?
This is going to be, you know, so I go back on and I get back into it and we got to go and we get them back and then we do it.
But that, that's going to be like an extra thing we put in.
Yeah.
But yeah, shit like that happens.
Like I'm fucking with this guy in the crowd.
And the rule Louis had when he edited this, if it's not funny, it's not in.
If it's not funny, it's not in.
Crowd work.
If it's funny, it's in.
I don't care if we have to take a joke out.
If it's funnier than that, we're going to leave it in.
So those moments are in there.
So it's just a really killer club style.
This is what we do in New York City on the road before the theaters, before the fucking arenas, where it's all fans.
This is what we do.
This is where we.
Make sure you check it out.
LouisCK.net.com, baby.
Oh, dot.com.
LouisCK.com.
Make sure you check it out.
And by the time you're watching this, you can go buy it.
Make sure you support.
Yeah, there's an interesting thing.
Like when we did my last special, we built the stage out into the theater.
Right.
And they were giving us a lot of pushback.
They're like, we have to remove chairs.
And we were like, it doesn't matter.
Because one of the issues with, I think, theaters is, especially if you're going to be interacting, is you can't see someone else's reaction from the crowd.
You're just looking at the back of the head.
So we created the sides, even though it was a few rows.
It was enough where if you're an audience member, you get to see someone else feeling joy, feeling anxious, feeling nervous, feeling happy.
Like you just get to feel part of it, which is what that club, you know what I mean?
That's a club.
That's exactly.
Comedy is jazzed.
We tried to.
Comedy's jazz.
We're artists, bro.
Oh, man.
We're fucking artists, dude.
No, but 100%.
It's like you have to listen to them.
The weirdest thing about comedy, I think a lot of times, like it's often lost, especially when comedy is being like taped, especially with the late night set, is that there's not like any listening to the audience.
And by listening, I don't mean what they say.
I mean how they feel.
And one of the great things about like coming up in New York is like when you're performing for fucking six people or eight people, you can't ignore how they feel.
2,000 people, maybe you can move on.
But six, you have to acknowledge it.
So we developed this different style.
It's like we're paying attention to what you're, what you're communicating, even if you're not saying it.
You're upset.
You're fucking feeling weird.
You're groaning.
We're aware of it.
Yeah, what's up?
What the fuck was wrong?
You see her face.
What's wrong?
If you're going to go out and deliver your jokes, okay, fine.
But if you're going to, what the, how did that bother you?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then something comes out of that.
And then not only that, everybody else in the room goes, oh, shit.
We're present.
This is not TV.
Nope.
You are here.
And the way you react is important.
Right.
And I think that heightens the state.
I think it makes things funnier.
You don't feel like you can just relax and chill.
It's like you got to be on your P's and Q's too.
Yep.
As an audience.
100%.
Is that why you moved back from, because I'm thinking you could do comedy in LA?
I booked a sitcom that, you know, a year and a half later, I thought they still were going to pick up.
They never did.
You know what I mean?
And I'm doing clubs here and there, going from seven nights a week doing stand-up with the best comics of my generation and then the ones before us, right?
And the ones coming up after, I mean, the best.
And then I'm out in LA doing a fucking coffee shop or, you know, some lady with a stopwatch going, all right, that's time.
What?
Yeah.
The fuck you mean?
Yeah.
And Patrice came out and we were doing who's the guy, who's the guy that hosts the game show now.
He used to be fat.
Drew Carey.
Drew Carey.
Drew Carey was huge at the time.
And they had a deal with Showtime where you went and did a show at the comedy store.
And then they, you know, they did a competition.
And the ones who won got to be on Showtime or Showtime.
I think it was Showtime.
You know, Gary was in it.
Patrice was in it.
I was in it.
And I got washed out second round.
I made the first round, washed out second round.
Patrice came staying at my house.
And I remember this is when I learned what friendship was about too.
He was like, yo, man, I got to go down tonight.
You got to give me a ride.
And I'm like, dude, I'm not in it, dude.
Breaking Cycles to Become a Better Dad00:13:55
I'm fucking, the fuck, I'm not going down there, dude.
He goes, you got to drop me off, man.
You got to pick me up.
I'm like, dude, I ain't fucking, what the fuck am I?
Your chauffeur?
I'm fucking.
I just got douched out of that.
I want to go to.
He goes, no, you're not my chauffeur.
You're my friend, motherfucker.
And that's what friends do.
And I was like, absolutely.
You're right.
And I remember I drove him there, had to drop him off at a thing, a dream of mine that was, and then I had to go pick him up.
Yeah.
Take him home.
And we were home the next night.
And I remember this is when I learned about Patrice because he got it.
Him and Gary got it.
And he was staying at my house to film this thing.
And he came home one night.
And I know I'm kind of going a little before it, but he came home and they taped the first night and he snapped at everybody.
And because the sound was off, they were filming it for the people.
They could hear it in the booth fine.
But not for the people in the crowd.
The mics weren't loud enough.
And the sound was off.
It wasn't, they didn't set it up for comedy.
They set it up for filming a TV show.
Yeah.
He was like, no, you got to.
And he was fighting him tooth and nail.
And I remember he came back and he was, his, I forget who it was, whoever it was, was saying, Patrice, can't you?
He's like, motherfucker, no, they were going to bump him off this.
They was going to not, they were going to take it away from him because they were so fucking like, this guy's such a pain in the ass.
He was, and he, he hummed the phone, he was like, Bobby, and he started crying.
He was, he was like, I know I'm supposed to just fucking go along with these people.
I know I'm just supposed to say yes, fine, and deal with, I know it'll probably be fine, but I can't be up there as a comedian and fake it.
I can't fake it because they, it's good for them.
I need it to be good for me.
I need to be able to fucking be funny.
And I remember tears were in his eyes because he had to make a choice to say, go fuck that.
If you don't fix it, I ain't doing it.
And they fixed it.
Damn right.
And the next night, it was better for every comedian on that show.
The show was better, everything.
And that's him stand.
You know what I mean?
That was like a moment of where I'll be honest, I probably would have took it.
A lot of people have.
I mean, I stayed in that shitty hotel and put a dress on.
They were with swans and a baby grand getting pussy.
And so I remember we had, I barbecued chicken that night because I was home five, six nights a week home with my chick.
And I started cooking.
And he, he, I remember I put the chicken in front, barbecued this chicken and I had this technique.
It was 55332211, flipping it.
And you made the perfect juicy barbecue chicken, right?
And I put the chicken down in front of him and he took a few bites and he looked at me and he's like, Bobby, you have to move back to New York.
And I was like, yeah, yeah, I know.
No.
He's like, I'm not fucking around, dude.
You need to move back to New York right the fuck now.
Get the fuck out of here.
Get back to New York within the next couple months.
I was like, what are you talking to?
He goes, this is the best barbecue chicken I've ever had.
He's like, you're not a comic.
You're a cook.
You're a cook.
Fuck.
Within a month and a half, all my shit was in a U-Haul and I moved back to New York.
I moved back to New York.
I told my wife now, my girlfriend at the time, I'm leaving.
If you want to come, you can come, but I got to go.
And she's like, I'll come.
And we drove back.
We stayed in Jersey City.
We finally got a place in Manhattan.
I remember.
Is this the same Jersey City place?
And then what did Patrice start doing?
He started doing barbecue chicken at his Labor Day party or whatever, right?
Well, yeah, that's why I boss.
A lot of people steal things.
He could look good, though.
It could?
Oh, and it wasn't barbecue chicken.
It was like a whole cow.
It was great.
I remember his barbecues were the best.
It was the fucking best.
Because it was, you know, he had townhouse.
Yeah.
It was like every people, you know, it's just in his driveway.
Yeah.
It's, it, he's, I think he's my favorite.
I think he's the best ever, right?
Everybody, yeah, everybody.
But everybody who I think has seen him and like witnessed it, especially like in real life.
Unfortunately, a lot of people haven't.
And I think a lot of people haven't because he probably stuck to his gun so much about the artistic side of it.
And like, that's one of the things that's always stuck to me is like, I never wanted to sacrifice that.
So I was like, I got to find a different way where I can do the thing that I love doing.
And we're very fortunate.
We have the internet.
I'm really curious what Patrice would be like in a time with the internet.
Like I'm curious to see how far he could go because you see all these people that are able to go independent and have all the success doing themselves, being like authentic.
He's the first one to do it.
He did the fucking web.
The Patrice O'Neill show coming soon.
It was so fucking funny.
No, no, the web junk.
He did the web junk.
Then he did his own show.
But then they fucked him because they fuck you all the time.
Right.
And then he just went and did his own thing.
And he was doing his own shit.
He had an episode of that where he was running for president and then he just started roasting Will for no reason.
Will shout out to Will Silvince.
Yo, Wilson Vince is so, so funny.
He was roasting.
And that shit had me dying.
That's all I'm saying.
I just, it's one of those things that like we maybe take it for granted right now that we can post clips and we can do these types of things.
But like there's a time where people are coming up who are artistically pure and that purity would not allow them to have the commercial success that we have.
So I see a lot of times comics like complaining about having to post clips and all that kind of stuff.
And I'm like, shut the fuck up, you whiny little bitches.
Like everybody back in the day was conforming their seven minute clean set in fucking Boston or this, that, the other.
You had to fight with a production company to get the sound in the room to sound good.
And now you're complaining that you have to like post a real young comics as he complained about that.
And it's just like, bro, take a fucking beat.
You get to do the comedy you want to do.
And if and if it fails, that's on you, but at least you're doing the shit you want to do.
That's why I love Louie because, you know, whatever the fuck, you know, he gave opportunities.
Yes.
He took his opportunities.
Like you guys are helping each other.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Adam Sandler does.
He took his opportunities and gave it to everybody who he saw something in.
And like this special, and he's a fucking, he's beyond comedy.
Like I'm, we, I'm.
He doesn't have to do this for you.
Doesn't have to do it for me at all.
It's the right thing to do.
He's like, you need a special.
Your stuff should be out there.
But I remember when we came in, and this is why he's beyond.
Like his brain sees shit that I don't.
They did the room.
Like, I mean, guy's a fucking award-winning set designer.
He gave me his crew.
The crew that does his special, he didn't give me some, you know, whatever local guy.
He gave me.
The people that do Louis special.
Emmy, award-winning, Grammy-winning people that does, that's who I got.
And he walked in.
They set it up.
And then they're like, what do you think?
I'm like, this is awesome.
This is fucking, this is it.
He walks in.
He goes, that's wrong.
What is that?
Move that.
Bring that over here.
I want 40 more chairs.
I want 75.
Everybody's like, we're fucking showtime is in three hours.
He goes, we need to sell 75 more tickets.
Get on the internet.
Put out tickets.
Tell everybody we release more tickets.
And he's like, he changed the whole thing.
And it was so much better.
Of course.
Because nobody saw.
They don't get it as a producer.
And why would they?
It's not their fault.
They didn't spend 30 years of their life doing comedy.
Yeah.
He's like, he's on another level.
I got on stage after he set it up.
And it was different.
And it was different.
It was like, fuck me, dude.
I mean, what the like, and I was just like, okay, so that was a learning moment for me.
Like, take a minute, absorb this.
Yeah.
And say, ask for what you want.
Yeah.
And just ask the question, could we put something here?
Fight for it.
Fight for it.
Fucking fight.
Yeah, man.
And I just came in.
I was like, this is great.
And I should have, when he came in, it was like, no, this could be better.
Even when it's great.
Yeah.
I'm still upset.
What do you mean?
Like, every theater we go to, it could be great.
But it could be better.
It could be.
Everyone.
It could be better.
Yeah, because we're comics.
Yeah, it's never.
And then we'll switch it all.
And it was better the first way.
Well, at least we know.
Well, that's the thing.
Like, people don't understand us.
You know, I'm married to a square.
She doesn't get me.
We'll go to, we'll go to fucking.
Yeah, don't marry a headshot.
If I can give every comment, please don't.
If you marry somebody with hopes and dreams, fucking, it's not going to work.
You need, if they have the same aspirations as you, fucking leave now.
You know what I mean?
There's only room for one drama mama in their relationship.
You need to rebalance you.
It's fucking me.
Right.
So, you know, I'll go out to eat with my wife and I'll be sitting there.
The waitress will come over.
Okay.
Yeah.
What do you want?
All right.
Yeah.
I'll check.
I'm like, what the fuck's wrong with her?
She'll be like, what do you mean?
She was fine.
I'm like, no, she wasn't.
What the fuck's wrong?
What do you want?
She's got an attitude.
And nobody else gets that.
The comics, we are hypersensitive to tone.
Everything.
Eyebrow, little micro ticks.
This doesn't like to.
This person doesn't like it.
Doesn't like me.
That's what makes us funny.
Yes.
We need that hypersensitive.
I think it was, who was it?
Rock said it.
He's like, if ignorance is bliss, being a comedian is the opposite.
Yeah.
100%.
And the thing, like you said, what I went through the last three years, I had to stop trying to be, you know, I was afraid if I stop being miserable, if I enjoy my life, if I get happy, am I bugging you?
No, sorry.
Are you bored?
I'll just send a him along.
See how hypersensitive.
You know, white chick in the front row for the second show on Saturday.
When they're not hot enough for you.
But, you know, I'm all fucked up.
What was I saying?
Make them feel better.
I love those guys.
The hypersensitivity.
Well, I forget what I was saying now.
What was I saying?
We were talking about if ignorant were the opposite.
Oh, I saw that.
Well, I thought if I got happy.
Yeah.
This was a lot of comics think.
If you, the hustle's dead.
Everything's.
If you get happy, if you enjoy your life, if you start to love your wife or your family and start to have real relationships, your funny is going to die with it.
But that's the way I felt.
And it's the exact opposite.
I feel the same way.
It's the exact opposite.
You do, like right now, I'm finding in the last three years, I fucking love my, I love my family.
I created a life.
You've always been really, I don't know, you're one of the guys that I looked up to in that way because like you, you have this amazing relationship with your kid.
And like, I know what your childhood was like.
So when I see that, I'm very impressed.
That's, to be honest, the most impressive thing that you've done to me outside of even with including comedy, it's like you broke like a fucked up cycle a lot of people can't break.
100%.
And like you're like super dad.
And it seems like you just love that part of your life.
I love being a dad.
And that to me is like the ultimate achievement, right?
It's like you had no father figure.
Right.
And then these random father figures kind of like in your life in and out constantly.
100%.
I've terrified they're going to fucking bolest you.
Yeah, for real.
And then you have the opportunity to have a kid and then you like pour everything into the kid.
And I don't know.
To me, that's that is.
But usually my MO would be run from that.
Run from the intimacy.
Run from the realness.
But now, you know, I wake up in the morning and I don't touch my phone.
I sit on the bed and I think about ice cream.
No, not anymore.
I've done that.
I've done that in the middle of the night.
That's my favorite joke.
Now, there's two that I love in the new special.
The one about going to sneak the food and your wife giving you the nuts.
Oh, yeah.
I get my little snack.
Oh, fucking A. Worst thing in the world is asking your wife for help.
I'm going to help you, but you got to listen.
Don't fuck yourself.
Don't fuck yourself.
But, you know, that, that.
You broke a cycle, man.
I broke the cycle, but now I found out in the end, I can still be.
I can still be funny.
I can still be who I was.
But also, I can go home and shut that shit down and go fucking jump on a trampoline now, not then before you fucking say the joke.
Like a baby elephant.
Baby?
Baby elephant is big.
All right, fair fair.
So you have this.
You know what I can tell you love being a dad?
Because the way you came in teaching Mark had a light a cigar.
And I was like, yo, this guy fucking loves being a dad.
You think that comes from not having a dad or not having a good dad?
And then being like, I'm going to learn.
I'm going to say this.
I've had amazing father figures in my life.
The thing that was hard for me to do, and I've done it in the last few years, is to, you got to be careful because you, you, my, my therapist said to me one day, you don't get a dad, boohoo.
You are the dad.
I'm sorry.
You don't, other kids get dads.
You don't.
You're the dad.
So I had to stop when a problem arose, when something came up, stop reaching out to these other older comics and saying, hey, what do I do?
Being the Father You Needed as a Kid00:02:56
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sit in it and maybe fail.
Yeah.
Sit in the pain, sit in the fear and go, fuck, let it go.
Be grateful.
Know you're going to be all right.
And make the, what am I going to do right now?
And be the dad, be the, the, the, who you are.
Yeah.
So that was what's happened.
And especially in the last three years, you know, I want my kid to grow up with fucking love.
I kiss my kid more than the priest kiss me.
You know what I mean?
I love him and he feels that.
And now, dude, I've made mistakes.
Don't get fucking wrong.
I've made mistakes.
I'm from Boston.
You know, my thing was knock it off, you fucking idiot.
Smack in the head.
I don't hit my kid.
I'll never hit my kid.
There's no reason to hit a kid.
People go, you got to give him, no, you don't.
You really don't.
There's other ways to do it.
And one of them is fucking loving him to death.
Yeah.
And he'll respect that and, you know, respond to that.
All right, guys, we're going to take a break for a second because let's be honest, okay?
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Now let's get back to the show.
Also, upcoming dates, October 14th and 15th next week, I'm going to be at Virginia Beach, Virginia.
Don't pretend you have better things to do.
October 27th through 29th, Philly Helium Comedy Club.
That's a cool city.
You got things to do, but you're all miserable.
So why don't you just come laugh at Helium Comedy Club?
Also, quick announcement before we get back to the show.
The improv shows we have in December have been postponed.
We will get a new date and I will get it to you.
I know a bunch of you bought tickets already, but we will find a new date for you guys for the three shows I named and the rest of the shows for the Big Disney Energy Tour this year.
Go to AkashSing.com, get your tickets before they sell out.
And let's get back to the show.
I was watching you run the hour before at the cellar and it was at the show where your kid was there.
Do you remember this one?
He loves it.
Dude, my kid's a nut.
And then at one point you were telling a joke and I think it might have even been about him.
And he just goes, that didn't happen.
And then just walks on stage, full of confidence.
I think takes the mic and be like, dad, I didn't do that.
That didn't exactly happen like that.
And then you had to be like, we're actually practicing something, buddy.
So I love you so much, but you're going to have to go over here.
But like, that's a kid full of confidence, right?
He's got a lot of confidence.
Yeah, and yeah, he's fucking great.
But it's, you know, even like, you know, the kid stuff that I got out of it, the stuff like, okay, I love my kid.
And then all of a sudden, jokes started coming out about that.
You know, about like, you know, I got to teach, I got to teach him a whole new way.
So maybe that's the transition.
Cause like, I know when we were down in Miami, I was having, I was like, so fucking happy.
You went to Tampa, I think, during the pandemic.
And we were in Miami.
And like, I couldn't write a fucking joke.
And I, and we, we moved back up here.
I was like, no, I need to be in my element because at the end of the day, I think comedy is like complaining, but we just do it funny.
Right.
So the audience has something, but like, I had less to complain about.
But in retrospect, I look back and I was like, no, I just didn't dig deep into the newer things.
Right.
And that's what happens is like you evolve.
Yeah.
And if you give yourself some time on stage to like change what you've done, and we should always be doing that.
Yeah.
You know, so yeah, I could do it in Miami.
I can do it here.
You can do it happier.
I do also think that like success makes like a, an interesting thing happen where like the anger and bitterness kind of subsides.
Yep.
And then all of a sudden, like, this sounds like weird, but like the more successful that I've gotten, the more I really want the crowd to have an amazing fucking time at the show.
Absolutely.
It's not like me filling the void.
Yep.
It's like, how can this be spectacle?
How can they leave here going, that was the best experience?
Yeah.
And that's, I don't know, I think that's a cool thing about feeling a little bit more fulfilled that you want to kind of give the experience to the people.
I just did the Soul Joe thing, right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I'm outside in the middle of the day.
Explain the Soul Joel.
Soul Joe's is a fucking thing that happened in the pandemic.
This kid just, you know, the rooms were all closed.
Yeah.
Hustler, hustler, hustler.
He fucking put sand down in a field and put a tent over it.
And then we went.
We, I mean, you build it, they will come.
It's literally that.
And we all fucking went.
And you're out there in front of people who brought their own booze, brought their own chairs, sat in fucking sand in a field in the middle of Pennsylvania.
You hear a train going by, fucking, you know, you hear the Ku Klux Klan fucking doing a rally in the woods.
You know, I think they actually came to my show.
That's what I said.
I was like, this is where real comedy exists right now in the woods of Pennsylvania.
Because you can say anything.
And if it's fucking funny, they're with you.
And then at the end of that, you can just go anywhere you want because they came to see a comedy show.
And I said some fucked up shit.
You know, I talked about like, like, that's where new jokes are allowed.
Yeah.
It's like, you know, I bought that tiny house up in New Hampshire.
And all, you know, me and I had this whole thing.
It just happened.
And like, I don't know where I don't, I don't know how to be funny again.
After you put out an hour, it's like, I don't know how to write a joke.
Yeah.
I lost it.
You've been doing for 30 years.
You're like, do I know how to do this stuff?
And then you get in front of one of those crowds and all of a sudden it's just you talk and the whole bit came out about trying to fuck in a tiny house.
And it's fun.
It's it's terrible.
I mean, it's, I'm talking about, you know, my wife's fucking pussy and varicose veins and fucking, I hit my head and I'm bleeding and I just drooled on her back and old, young, everybody dying.
And then at the end, when you say goodnight and you're like, and they stand up in sand, you know what I mean?
In the woods where there shouldn't be a comedy show.
And they're fucking, it's like, that's, it's crazy.
That's the crazy feeling you get.
And then you did some new stuff.
There's nothing like when new stuff comes.
I think for a lot of comics, they think with the void, without the void, you're not going to be funny.
And maybe it was easy for you because you were always confident.
And maybe it's because you had a great dad.
But like, once you get confident and funny and successful or happy, there's a feeling that, oh, when I'm full, there's a fear that without the void, I'm nothing.
We're doing comedy.
The voice made me funny.
The voice I got accepted.
At the beginning, you're doing comedy because you're fucking empty and it fills that void.
Yeah.
So how do you transition to my life?
I made a life.
It's full.
I'm happy as shit.
But then that's when you're fucking, that's when you go up on stage and your honesty comes out.
And if these people like you, they're with you.
You forget that.
I feel like you can almost be like your most pure and authentic self because it's not anger coming out.
It's not hatred.
It's not bitterness.
And I'm not as like, sorry, go.
I was going to say, I'm not as tied to your reaction because my void isn't as dependent on.
I have just more confidence in, oh, I'm funny.
So if you're not laughing, I'm not angry at you as much.
I'm not whatever.
It's okay.
Well, let's just go.
Let's sit in this and then let's get there and dig.
And I think a lot of times, like you've seen a lot of comics that like use a lot of drugs and stuff like that, or maybe they're drinking or whatever, but would produce like pretty amazing comedy.
But when you really think about what drugs do, it's like they fill the void.
So then after it's full, you get this performance that these people can really enjoy, right?
So it's like they're almost filling first so they can give.
Before that, they're angry, they're curging, they're pissed off.
It's like, how do you settle that shit?
I don't know.
I'm really.
I had to feel, you're right.
I had to fill that first and then I could go on stage, you know?
Like my next hour is going to be on food addiction and weight and being a fat fuck.
Yeah.
You know, and I can go on stage and point to a fat fuck and go, how many fats you want?
And he doesn't get offended because he knows exactly what the fuck you're talking about.
He knows exactly what the fuck.
And his wife isn't mad.
Everybody's laughing.
Even the skinny people get it.
Like we get it.
Yeah.
Because that's some that I'm, I'm like, dude, this is my sixth fat.
Dude, you know what I mean?
That's the thing that, I don't know.
That's the thing I just love so much about comedy is like, it's like you find a way to say the things that make people uncomfortable.
Yeah.
But then instead of being comfortable, they actually laugh.
We all want to talk about it.
You all see that big fat guy in the front row.
You're addressing it in a way where not only do they feel comfortable, but the people around it that have been watching that person feel comfortable because he doesn't feel bad.
But then you also go into a joke that relieves that pain.
Yeah.
There's nothing.
What comedy did for me when I first saw it, I was like, you do that too?
That's how you handle it.
Yeah, yeah.
And I was like, fucking, that's why, you know, look, I lost weight and I talk about it on stage because I need to make this funny.
You know what I mean?
Like it's funny.
I need to make that funny so that people will, you know, people come up to me after the show.
It's like, dude, dude, you fucking helped me a lot.
You fucking helped me a lot.
Big motherfucker's like, dude, I've been trying.
I'm doing this.
All right.
I'm like, keep fucking doing it.
Yeah.
I keep fucking doing it.
And, you know, you want a little love?
Yeah.
I thought you were waiting.
I thought it was quiet for a while.
Oh, he's locked and loaded.
Stop flexing your awesome fucking legs.
You don't use the electric part of the bike.
You use the pedal.
Shit.
Yeah, dude.
Fucking, it's a wild thing, comedy.
And you got, dude, you, you, all you guys, the comics that are coming up now, I feel bad for you.
Okay, go, go on that.
That's interesting.
Dude, do you consider me coming up now?
Because you've seen me for so long.
That's what I'm wanting to do.
Listen, dude.
Yeah, yeah.
You, of course, I consider what you did is you went, not only did you do what I did, being funny, going on stage every night, you had to figure out a whole new, you had to go, you had to figure out a whole new curve.
Social media, how to do it, how to get the, I can't do that.
Can you do that?
Help me do that.
All right, you do that.
I'll help you do this.
You know, it's more of a unit thing now.
When I was coming up, we didn't talk about jokes at the table.
Really?
That's interesting.
Dude, we didn't, I didn't go to, hey, man.
I mean, once in a while, we would.
That's what it is.
That's how we became friends.
You just went up.
You were funny, motherfucker.
And you didn't come up to me and go, hate with a thing of notes.
I didn't watch you, you fat fuck.
What's going on after you?
I'm worried about fucking, you know.
Yeah.
I think the new generation kind of, you know, you had to figure out social media, algorithms, YouTube.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know, how do I get around the gatekeepers?
Freedom.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Freedom.
I want to do the jokes I want to do exactly the way that I want to do them.
And I guess maybe one cool thing that happened is when we were coming up, you remember, I remember us talking about this.
Like, I remember you being frustrated that Comedy Central wasn't giving you an hour or something like that.
And then I remember this moment where I'm like, wow, all the people I find hilarious are feeling the same thing.
Right.
That's good.
Right.
That means the people I see killing every night are not being given the opportunities.
That means the stuff that's out there is not reflective of what the people laugh at.
Right.
Because we all know who's funny and who's not.
Yeah.
Regardless of who gets shit.
Right.
We all know.
So if the people that I'm watching, and we're going up on the same shows as the people maybe getting shit.
Right.
And we see who struggles after people.
Right.
So I'm like, oh, wow, there's not a place for the type of comedy that we know fucking kills.
Right.
And that gave me all the confidence.
I was like, if we just put out the comedy that works, the people gravitate to it.
Yes.
And you're not in competition with anybody.
That's the beauty of the internet.
Before it was like five specials a year, and you and your buddy, your best friend that you fucking live with, are competing for the one special.
Yeah.
Now it's your buddy's putting something out.
You're like, how can I help them get as many views on it where everybody's going on each other's podcasts and shit?
And I don't ever hate like Netflix, all these, it's like you can't hate these people.
They're business.
They're trying to make money.
Dude, they, because here's the thing.
My first special I did, the live from Village Underground, nobody wanted it.
Yeah.
Everybody said, fuck off.
Yeah.
So Jim Serpico was like, I'll do it.
Yeah.
And we did it at the Village Underground.
We were the first comic to do a special at the comedy seller.
Yeah.
And we did it at the Village.
This is when you had to turn the cameras on and off after 15 minutes.
So we had to have people at every camera going off, on.
You know, because they didn't, the technology wasn't there.
Yeah.
He figured all the shit out.
And then we just fuck it.
Let's just do it and see what happens.
Yeah.
That's the thing.
Yeah.
We know you're funny.
We'll do it.
Let's do it.
And then as soon as we did it, Netflix bought it.
Comedy Central bought it.
And it's on Amazon now.
So it's like, you know, that stuff happens.
You're not in it.
It's funny as the unique.
You're not in control of that.
And if it is good, people will want it.
Those, you did that with Netflix.
Yeah.
Fuck that.
You're like, I'll do my own thing.
All of a sudden, it's like, yeah, Netflix called me.
And you're like, cool.
All right.
We're in business.
The way I always look at it is like, we made it.
So you called me.
Like, you didn't do me a favor.
Yeah, but we put you in a position where you had to.
That's like hating comedy clubs that didn't use me.
The only comedy club that used me was the seller in Boston Comedy Club.
Every other club told me to go fuck myself.
Too dirty, too this, too edgy, you're too loud, whatever the fuck it was.
I never hated them.
Yeah.
You know, never was like, fuck you.
I'll never work.
Yeah.
That shit will kill you.
Yeah.
That shit, that, that draws negative shit.
Yeah.
It motivates me a little bit.
I ain't gonna lie.
I remember it.
I got a little.
I remember when the deal comes in.
I remember who was nice to me and who wasn't.
I didn't do that.
I never did that.
I was a seller comic and I was happy to be there.
And I'm one of those guys.
What happened to all those clubs?
Yeah.
What happened to them?
Yeah.
They shut down.
With the strip.
Yeah.
Where the fuck, Carolines?
Yeah.
What club am I at?
Seller.
What's that saying?
Sit by the river long enough and the bodies of your enemies will float by.
I've never heard that.
I think you made that up now.
You made that up a lot.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I might have.
I think I heard that.
You could have heard that on a Rogan clip or something.
It's true.
Art of War.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
Is that the art of work?
Yeah, it is.
But it's true.
How many people.
That's a good thing to do.
Like when you make up a quote, just that's good.
I like that.
That's how you do.
Rogue will help you out through some jams.
Trust me.
How's the Rogan bill?
Tell you, those clips you're at a fucking.
You know, you didn't sell the second show.
Yeah.
Listen to a couple.
This is funny, too.
After, I'll tell you real quick if I could bop back.
Go, The lady dies on stage.
She's dying, right?
I got to go back up.
This is during your special just so everybody.
I got to go back up during the special.
I got to go back up.
She died, though.
She died.
No, she didn't die.
She's alive.
I got an email from her husband.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She lived.
Thank you.
This is the same one that interrupted, right?
That walked.
No, this is a different lady.
Wow.
So she's okay.
But I remember I'm fucked, dude.
I immediately got an eye headache.
I got the stress of my thing that we've been working for so long.
Can you put your tongue in when we don't just sit there with your tongue out?
It's freaking me out.
Lily's going to kiss my neck.
Excited.
All right, dude.
So, dude, I'm fucked up, dude.
I'll be honest.
I'm like, I went through, I killed it, you know, staying up, but I got an eye headache.
I'm fucked.
The first show, anybody who films a special, you know, the first show is where you get it.
The second show is like, let's have fun.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Everybody says that.
Louie even said that.
Like, you know, I come back.
I'm fucked.
I'm fucked.
I'm like, I fucked up.
What the fuck?
I didn't do that.
I didn't do this.
And Louie had to come back.
Filming Your First Comedy Special00:09:35
And he's like, Bobby, we got it.
Dude, he's like, don't worry.
I'm like, dude, I got a migraine, all this shit.
I'm like in my head.
I'm backstage.
They cleared my wife, got the kid out, everybody.
And I'm like, dude, what the fuck?
I'm panicking after the first set.
And Louie wound up, he gave me, he gave me a Martin Luther King speech, a fucking, a fucking Elon Musk speech.
He literally broke out a video of Tom Brady.
He had to go to Tom Brady.
Tom Brady's the goat, though.
That's a video of, you know.
He's the MLK of our time.
That's what I heard on Rogan.
Literally pumped me back up.
Yeah.
So that I was like, fuck it.
Let's go.
Because my confidence was done after that.
Yeah, yeah.
Because, you know, dude, am I going to fuck up this opportunity?
Dude, if I fuck up on the next show, we don't have another night.
Yeah.
And he had to give me all this stuff.
He goes, watch this video.
Like, because you knew all these things, the quotes he was giving me and telling me all this shit.
Yeah.
It wasn't, I was like, fuck.
And he gave me that.
He pulled up that Tom Brady.
It's that one where he's like, they didn't want me.
They didn't think I could do it.
And then they just fucking one ring.
And he's like, I didn't listen to those, but two rings.
And then he's on seven fucking rings.
I'm like, fucking, let's go.
And I went out and murdered the second show.
I love it.
Yeah, man.
It's pretty fucking wild.
Yeah.
Even at that stage of the game.
You've had a, yeah, you've had like a wild, just the whole career, man.
Fuck the career, just the life, I think.
Yeah.
I don't know.
I think more and more about like as I get older and you know, want to have kids with my wife.
And like, like achievement is outside of just career.
It's like, who am I becoming as a person?
And am I like keeping the good things my parents gave me?
Am I changing the things that I wish they maybe did different?
And I don't know.
I've always looked at you and I've always admired you outside of being a comic is I feel like you've been on this cool journey to become a good man.
Right.
And I appreciate that.
That's a big achievement.
Yeah.
Thank you, brother.
I appreciate it.
Yeah, there's a lot of great comics who aren't good men, people.
Yeah.
And that's the nightmare scenario.
And that's the problem with us is because we love comedy so much that we forgive them for that.
Right?
Like there are guys that we know are fucking assholes, but they go on stage and we're like, God damn, that asshole's funny as shit.
Yeah.
He's funny.
He's fucking hilarious.
Right.
And, but at the same time, it's like they might be bitter and they might not have friends.
They might not have somebody's there for you.
But I have a feeling like if you needed something, you could call a bunch of people and they and they would ride for you.
It's absolutely.
It is important.
And that's why when I saw you getting married, like at that stage, that's usually when guys go out and go fucking bang everything and live all the shit.
And at that moment where you hit that, you were getting married and all your friends are around you.
Yeah, yeah.
And I was like, he's got it.
Yeah.
He's fucking got it.
He's got it because he's happy in life.
Yeah.
Not just all this shit.
Yeah.
Yeah.
This shit's gravy.
Yeah.
That's true.
This shit's gravy.
Yeah.
You're happy when you go home.
Yeah.
Yeah.
The better.
Yeah.
I mean, we always say that here is like the better, the better this is for all of us, the more fun we get to have.
Like, you know, I always, we're so, I guess, I don't want to speak for everybody, but we're like super inspired by that time at the cellar.
And I think that's what we carry through here.
Like we have this really close, intimate relationship.
Like all these guys, like, we're not like work friends.
Like this is family.
So we can be as ruthless because we know it's family.
When it's work friends, it's different, man.
Like you feel the energy is different.
Yeah.
I mean, I mean, it doesn't, I mean, that jacket should be thrown in the trash.
Either that, I'll put it back on the couch.
I thought we were family, right?
I mean, Jesus.
I thought we were fucking family.
I'm pretty sure Edith Bunkers, that was a chair with me.
12 years old.
He's not going to go Edith Bunker.
Edith Bunker.
I have no clue what you know.
What's his family?
Archie Bunker's wife.
Oh, my God.
You don't know all in the family?
All in the family.
I've never heard of it.
Go fucking.
Put these kids to school.
Go back to school.
All in the family.
Archie Bunker?
No, I've never seen it.
You've heard from me.
Coming from you, bro.
God damn it.
Andrew.
There's a picture of Archie at the Flagrant Studio in Brooklyn.
Oh, really?
On the wall, yeah.
I've never seen this.
Funniest sitcom ever made.
Broke the rules.
Was racist, insulting, but not to everybody.
And it was all on the main guy.
He was the fucking idiot.
Eddie Murphy, delirious.
Yeah, I've heard of him.
No, that was Honeymooners.
The same thing.
So different.
That is so different.
I just was like, what the fuck is that?
That's not the fraud.
That's Murphy delirious.
You know what he makes fun of?
No, fucking.
It wasn't Ralph Randon.
Rock Randon.
That's Eddie Francoon.
That's the Archie Bunker.
Literally a hospital.
Ross Randon played Archie Bunker.
Red Fox was in it.
Yeah.
Red Fox was not in fucking Honeymoon.
Red Fox was not in the Honeymooners.
The fucking, I'm a Cuban.
What?
Desi Arnaz.
Red Fox.
Desi Arnaz.
Red Fox had his own show.
And then it became, I love Lucy.
Are you fucking...
I love Lucy's The House of Dragons of Archie Bunker's show.
You are fucking...
You guys have to let this shit happen?
Billy Squire.
Billy Squire is the greatest American rock and roll star in history.
Do you agree?
100%.
One of you.
At least wrote the same fucking thing.
You know, you know, the Jeffersons, that's a spin-off of All in the Family.
George Jefferson was Archie's neighbor, and they used to have like these.
What is the talk?
What are you talking about?
Jefferson's is like hundreds of people.
What happened in the war?
What happened in the war?
You remember that?
I don't understand what's going on.
Yeah, civil.
Civil War.
Listen to me.
I'm not.
I'm sorry.
Listen to me.
You need to go back and watch All in the Family.
Okay.
Okay.
Watch All in the Family and you'll understand where TV changed.
They stopped being Brady Bunch.
The Brady bunch was, the father was gay.
The son was fucking the mom.
It was phony, right?
And then all of a sudden, Norman Lear was like, We're going to make what where we are, we're going to make real comedy.
And that's when that show came out.
And then the Jeffersons and San Francisco and San Francisco, all these shows came out that were just dealing with real shit.
It was the flagrant of that time.
You know, massage, they were flagrant as fuck.
Race is sexist.
One of the funniest episodes, I'm going to probably smash it, not do it.
But Archie was in the elevator with a black dude and a Puerto Rican guy.
And the elevator got stuck.
And Puerto Rican fixed it.
And no, no, no.
As a Mexican.
Puerto Rican would be like, I don't know what to do.
Puerto Rico tried to finger fuck your chick while you're.
But they're on the elevator and he's talking to the black guy.
And he's talking about the Spanish guy, right?
And the Spanish guy walks up, Mr. Bunker, I am equal to you.
And Archie Bunker goes, equal to me.
You're not even equal to him.
And the black guy went like this.
So, all right, this is what I love.
Oh, that's good.
So, what year is this coming out?
20s, 30s?
No, 20s or 30s.
That's black and white.
You fucking lunatic.
When were you born?
I was in the 70s.
Okay, okay.
I'm just making sure.
20s and 30s.
It was Prohibition.
Right.
That was the Great Depression.
That was the Great Depression.
They didn't have colored TV.
They didn't have TV.
We don't call them colored.
Some people do.
Okay.
No, but what I like is like they're aware that they're being racist.
I think that young people go back and watch this stuff.
They're like, look how awful TV was back in the day.
They're like, no, no, they know it was awful.
Yes.
They're making the joke about how people are.
And that's how we come together.
That's how we come together.
Do everybody feel that way?
We're like black people watching the show, Puerto Ricans.
Dude, of course, black people.
They did a spin-off for black people, good times, Jeffersons.
Black people love this show because black people were represented in the show for who they were.
Right.
And they didn't like white people less.
Less than a white, but more than a Ricas.
Yes.
But when they did the Jeffersons, the Jeffersons had money.
And they had a white door guy.
Yeah.
Moving on up.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And it was, it was, look, we're all the same.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We're all the same.
We all have the same shit.
We all fucking think the same thing.
Did people trash in the show?
Was there like a woke?
Were people woke even back then, though?
Of course, yeah.
But you can't fuck with the ratings until now.
Because look at Roseanne.
Exactly.
Roseanne was the same show.
And the worst thing they did to me, and look, I'm not fucking, I'm dumb, but the worst thing they did to her was take her off the air because you have a show that 24 million people are watching of all race, creeds, and colors.
And we're laughing together.
And we learned from that.
We learned about racism.
But you learned what you can't say, what people are offending.
What you learned is that you learn that you can't be honest, you can't be real, you can't be truthful.
Now, what she did as a comedian, that's why, that's why that's the bad part of social media.
As a comedian, it's got, you can't go politics a religion now.
Yeah.
Why Comics Should Avoid Politics on Twitter00:12:58
So for some reason, comics, you have to be, you have to say meaningful shit.
Yeah, I don't think you have to do that.
If she didn't go on Twitter and didn't say, she looks like this, fuck.
Yeah, we don't care.
Fuck your political views.
Yeah.
We want to laugh.
She was trying to be funny, by the way.
Yeah.
She wasn't, I don't think she was trying to be racist.
She fucked up because she's fucking old and didn't understand it.
But there's a way to get to that joke.
You could have said something else about that lady.
Yeah.
But she fucked up by going on the social media.
The Twitter and feeling that we have a responsibility to fuck it.
Yes, I said the Twitter.
We were letting you go too.
We were letting you go.
I'm trying not to say anything.
We're putting a thumb for the everything that tell us about the Instagram.
Dude, I felt like you guys were vampires.
And you guys all went, I suck.
The Twitter.
Yes, the Twitter.
It's just, guys, you know, look, man, I post what I want.
Yeah.
But you don't need, look, back in the day, at the table, no politics, no religion.
Yeah.
Let's just have fun.
Was that the rule?
It was because you guys would bicker over politics.
But it wasn't, fuck you.
I'm never talking to you again.
Get the fuck out of my house.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It was never that.
It was a friendly debate.
And, you know, in my house, I'm from Boston, Irish Catholic, the Kennedys.
My mother would, I mean, would suck Robert Kennedy off and JFK in front of my father.
Yeah.
My stepdad.
Yeah.
My first stepdad, the one who beat me up and abused me, fuck him.
But the second guy, Larry.
Larry.
Yeah.
The best.
Italian.
You come over making fresh chicken soup and playing Frank Sinatra.
Yeah.
But Republican, right?
Yeah.
We would sit down and, you know, people would start talking.
Yeah.
It was all friendly.
And all of a sudden, you hear ding and the chicken soup's ready.
And we go all have chicken soup and talk about something else.
It wasn't personal.
It wasn't religious.
It wasn't the way it is.
You know, fuck you.
You know, it was, you were different than me.
You had different views, just like those sitcoms.
Yeah.
Meathead was a die-hard progressive liberal.
Yeah, they had like a big liberal.
His son-in-law was like a big liberal and his daughter, Archie Bridge.
Both of them, big liberals, which represented a big part of the country.
And then you had Archie, who was a fucking subtle, sometimes not racist.
You know what I mean?
But he learned through this shit, you know, and the next door neighbor's son would come over and he would just treat him like a buffoon and he didn't know it.
So we all were represented in that.
And that's the way it was back when I grew up.
Yeah.
You know, I mean, look at it.
JFK, God bless him.
He was a pimp.
Yeah.
That guy was a pimp.
Yeah.
So if you're holding up certain people to this standard, you better take the photos of him off.
Yeah.
Because that guy was fucking banging Monroe.
Yeah.
Banging Starlets.
Yeah.
And I mean.
What a monster.
I mean, yeah.
You know what I mean?
So that's why they love Clinton so much.
He was a pimp.
Yeah.
Women loved Clinton, also a big rapist.
Yep.
But nobody cares.
Nobody gets it.
Hillary doesn't care.
The rest of us care.
Dude, you might, but all the women, dude, my mom loved Clinton.
Fucking played the saxophone.
Her pussy got wet.
You know what I mean?
Like, you know, I remember, you know, it's just.
Can you tell me about, because I've heard you mention Larry and the chicken soup before.
Yeah.
As this like moment in your life.
What was that letter?
I get it.
Thanks, Bella.
So Larry's this.
Dude, sorry.
He said, I'll get it.
And he didn't even move.
Well, he said, I'll get it.
The royal ass.
But I said, thanks, brother.
I assimilate.
Yeah, yeah, that was good.
That was good.
I really do assimilate.
That's good.
I started.
What's up, man?
I was in Maui.
You were cool sneakers.
I fucking defended this.
Hold on, you're in Maui.
You did one.
Please don't tell me that you.
We were in Maui.
We got married there.
And the next day we were at a gas station.
And this Hawaiian dude pulled up.
I was asking him for directions.
My wife almost left me.
I was like, oh, cool, bro.
Thanks.
My wife, I got in the car.
This is what I saw.
My wife was like this.
And I was like, what's up?
She goes, did you just give the hang loose sign?
You fucking loser.
My wife's from Boston, too.
She's like, fuck you.
What was the answer?
Larry, chicken soup.
Larry's the second stepdad.
Who's actually great with your mom?
They're still together.
No, he's he popped.
He passed away a few years ago.
Okay.
Yeah, very quickly, too.
Very sad.
Oh, sorry.
He was, and it sucks to me because he was the dad that you always.
I mean, he was the guy.
He's, he loved John Wayne.
He's the one who got me into Westerns.
He got me into, you know, Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra.
He was a man's man.
Like, you know, you need a deck on the back.
Well, go build it.
Yeah.
And he would, he's the one.
When I have a job, I get up right away.
I get up before.
I'm early.
I'm on, you know, I don't like to be late.
And when there's a job to be done, I'll do it.
That's when I moved up to, when I got my, I moved, I got my house up in Westchester.
I needed a fence.
There was a stump in the back.
And I'm going to build a pirate ship.
My wife's like, what?
I built a fucking pirate ship.
And I'm like, I'm like, where did I get this?
It's from him.
Yeah.
Just go and do it.
I put a fence in.
I built the pirate ship.
I put a garden.
I did all this manly shit.
Yeah.
Because Larry, you know, when you, you don't think it's being in you, but it's, it's, these things are being put in you that are going to come out, you know?
And, you know, he was.
But he invested time into you.
He invested time into me.
He invested hard work into me.
And it sucked for me because when I had a son, you know, it was hard for me that he passed away because it was getting to the point where I was calling him up and saying, hey, man, because my brother and sister, my younger brother and sister are fucking beautiful people.
Really great.
My mom and him did such a great job.
And I was going to, you know, it sucks that I want to, these moments where I was like, hey, Larry, this happened.
Can what do I do?
Yeah.
I did it.
He helped me a little bit, but he was great because he'd be like, well, you want to let that go.
You don't want to, you want to pick.
I remember he said to me when the pick your battles, pick your wars with your kid.
You don't want to fucking, you know, we'll let him go a little bit.
You know, you know, and when you, when you give him a consequence, don't take away his iPad for a month because you don't want to nap in two hours.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, yeah.
You fucking idiot.
You know, take it away for 20 minutes.
Yeah.
So that way, when you want to take a little nap, he's on his iPad.
Oh, you got it back.
Go back.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
He was that guy.
And, you know, but he's, he, the one thing I realized is that he's, he's in me.
Yeah, of course.
Things that I do, and it comes out.
And I'm like, that's from Larry.
Yeah.
That's from fucking Larry.
You know what I mean?
I've thought about this, like, how many things do I really remember that my parents told me?
And I can only remember maybe like a handful of things that they told me to do.
But every single day I am repeating behaviors that I saw them do.
When you have a kid, you're going to be fucking blown away.
Because they just mimic just in you.
Yeah.
It's there.
And all of a sudden it comes out how you want to, how you want to respond to certain things.
Yeah.
And you didn't even, you weren't listening.
You didn't think you were listening.
You didn't even think it had sunk in.
But all of a sudden it comes out.
You're like, oh, that's.
That's Larry.
That's him.
That's him.
That's where I got that from.
Yeah.
He saved your life.
Well, in a way, because Larry, what happened, you know, I started drinking when I was 10.
Which is so crazy.
I started doing drugs.
And, you know, I got arrested for the first time when I was 12.
I went to jail for the first time at 13.
And it sucked for Larry because he came in right at that spot.
And I always said to him, I go, dude, if you came in three years earlier, you'd just be.
I wouldn't be here with you fucking losers.
Thank you, Larry.
You know what I mean?
I would not.
But, you know, he came in at that point and he loved my mom so much and loved me so much that he was there.
And I remember I went in and out of jail and out of foster homes for years.
And I remember the last time I got arrested when I was 15 upstate New York.
And I remember I stole gum.
And I was drunk.
I had a half a bottle of white label scotch.
I had a rack of tolls and I was doing whippets.
Nice.
Yeah, I was fucking nuts.
And I remember we stole those gumbo machines.
The cops chased us, put a shotgun to my head.
He's like, if he moves, shoot him.
I was like, it was gum.
Chill, right?
15, dude.
You're in fucking geometry.
This is crazy.
I'm in the thing.
I'm in the police station, downtown Rochester, or wherever the fuck it was.
And I'm in the room and Larry was there, three in the morning.
And he's there.
And he's just fucking fucking here.
I'm again, am I here?
And I remember they were like, you confess and we'll pay some slack.
And I was like, I didn't do nothing.
Fuck you.
You know what I mean?
And he goes, those other two kids you're with, they're going to confess.
And these are the two hottest kids up there.
I'm like, they ain't going to fast.
Fuck that.
He goes, all right, you lost your shot.
He opens the door.
They're crying.
No.
Oh, they're crying, signing shit away, ratting me out.
And I went to jail that night.
They took me away because I was a ward of the state.
When you're a juvenile, they just make you a ward of the state of Massachusetts.
So anything you do, there's no court.
You just go back to jail.
They figured out later.
So I had to go to jail that night.
And it was a bad, Rochester was the worst jail, juvenile hall I went to.
Because it was like a real jail.
It was like bad boys.
You know what I mean?
And you went in and you had a fucking room with a steel door and a fucking little, you know, the pillow was like a cement bag.
The mattress was a cement bag.
You were a number.
And I remember I got on my knees that night and I just prayed.
Oh, thank God.
And I sucked everybody off.
No problem.
I got all kinds of stuff brought to you.
Yeah.
Oh, thank God.
I love that it was concern you had.
All of us were like, is he going to do it?
We finally did that.
That's the thing with Juvie Jail.
Juvie jail, everybody was like, dude, you have to suck dick in Juvie jail.
You're only in Juvie jail for like three months.
So if you're sucking dick, you're gay.
You want it?
Yeah.
It's like, dude, I'll suck your dick for some socks.
You're getting out tomorrow.
You just want to suck the dude's dick.
You know what I mean?
But we, you know, I remember I was like, I knew, I was like, it's not people, places, and things.
It's drugs and alcohol.
That's the night it rang.
I was like, I need help stopping this.
And please help me.
And the next day, him and my mother showed up and they were behind me.
For some reason, they were like, we believe you this time.
Whatever you need, we're going to help you.
And he was there.
They gave me a big box full of stuff because I was going back to Boston.
I was getting shipped back to Massachusetts.
And I didn't see him for a year and 14 months because I went to jail there, actually over 14 months because they lived up there.
So I had to go back there.
I had to take a plane back.
This was back, dude.
I was 15.
You could smoke on the plane.
And I remember they had a smoking section, which was the whole fucking plane.
But I remember I had a pack of Marlboro Reds and I asked a flight attendant, you have a match?
And she just went and got me a match and she lit it for me.
I lit up a cigarette, 15 on a plane.
That's the times we're in.
I remember that.
I was just smoking next to a dude smoking.
And then when I got off the plane, there was two state troopers and they just handcuffed me right at the door.
Wow.
And they were like, what the fuck?
And I went to jail for a couple of months in Boston, NFI shelter care.
And then I went to this rehab.
That's what Tom Tompkins stepped in.
I didn't see them for a year.
But then when I got out at 16, you know, I was sober.
I was living the life of a recovering alcoholic drug addict.
And, you know, I had to move out because my mom and me still fought.
She still treated me like an alcoholic.
Like I was out till two in the morning at a Bickford's getting pancakes, talking about God and spirituality.
And I would come over and say, you've been fucking drinking.
I'm like, I wasn't fucking.
So I had to leave.
She was probably traumatized too.
Like, oh, she had to deal with 100%.
100%.
Finding Family in Rehab and Recovery00:02:05
And there was no therapy back then.
Yeah.
You just dealt with it.
You're Catholic, stuff it and go.
Still that way, to be honest.
Is it really?
Even with Catholics, yeah.
Oh, you guys.
Big time.
Like French Canadian Catholic.
Yeah.
So he's deep-seated.
Yeah.
He actually sucked the date.
Mark will come in here and shoot all of us one episode.
Yeah, 100%.
He's always the happy one.
And it will be like the best episode.
And same views.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm a ticking time bomb.
Do one more joke.
It looks like I have him blinked the whole episode.
Yeah.
So, yeah, you know, he lives on through, you know, my kid.
Yeah, of course.
Which is, you know, makes me happy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's sad that it says sad.
It was very sad.
Yeah.
You know, but that's the thing that, you know, people who die, you ever have somebody die?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Did, did you feel it?
Not in the way that you're talking about, but I had someone who had like a profound effect on me pass, but not so much that like I see it through me as much.
Like my parents are still around and I didn't really know any of my grandparents.
Right.
So like, you know, but obviously when one of them goes, I mean, it's going to be.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But I feel that with my father.
Like I feel that, you know, just having, I'm very lucky.
I have like a moral compass.
Right.
Like every time I'm like, what would I do?
I just go, what would my dad do in this situation?
Also a Larry.
Larry.
Larry's are good.
But literally, it's just that like, and we were talking about this the other day, but like, I think you kind of see like Americans have moved.
I don't want to say moved on past religion, but religion isn't as much of like a foundation of like the fabric of society.
Right.
And there hasn't really been anything to replace it.
And I was raised in no religion, but I was raised with this dude who was like just, you know, really pure.
So I at least had somebody to where I could go, what would they do in this situation?
Okay, Andrew, you do that.
You'll be pretty good.
Yeah, I even have a joke on my special about that.
It's like, you need a religion.
You need, you need some guiding light.
Using My Dad as a Moral Compass00:01:31
You need TAA.
What religion is?
People, you know, did he really walk in water?
Did he really do this?
Okay, fine.
Fuck all that.
But a positive perspective.
Don't do this.
Do this.
Is all religion is based on.
Every religion is love rather than love.
Be kind.
Don't fuck your neighbor's wife.
You know?
Be there for other.
It's all a positive perspective.
So do you have to go to church every Sunday?
Maybe not.
But I don't, people who do, I'm like, you're trying to have a positive perspective on your life.
So I don't know why it gets such a bad rap.
And, you know, and dude, let me tell you something.
You need some type of spirituality when shit goes wrong.
Absolutely.
You know what I mean?
Like, you know, that rubber breaks.
It's like, please, God, let me get away with this one.
You know what I mean?
I love my wife.
I love my kid.
Please.
I swear to God, I'll see you someday.
Just let my jiz die.
Bobby Kelly, I love you, man.
I'm so stoked for you.
And I want everybody to go out, support.
Make sure you get this special.
It's already up.
By the time you see this right now, it is already up.
Louisak.com.
I swear back in the day it was.NET.
Maybe he bought.com as well.
No, Rogan was.net.
Okay, Rogan was.net.
Rogan at the beginning was JoeRogan.net, I believe.