Andrew Schulz joins the U.S. Women's National Swim Team, pledging donations to Ukraine and anti-hate causes while debating Mark Normand on transgender eligibility, testosterone suppression, and NCAA rules. The episode covers Hunter Biden's laptop confirmation, Twitter's alleged censorship, Deshaun Watson's trade despite misconduct accusations, and a viral Tesla crash in Echo Park. Schulz later resigns from the team due to chlorine-induced psoriasis, concluding with jokes about mailing guns to Ukraine and Kanye West's Grammys removal. [Automatically generated summary]
Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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Andrew Joins Women's Swim Team00:14:40
What's up everybody?
I have an announcement to make.
I, Andrew Schultz, am joining the U.S. Women's National Swim Team officially today.
I am announcing that I am able to compete.
Thank you guys very much for your support.
You don't seem very supportive, Mark, which is bigoted.
And why do you say you're able to compete?
What do you mean?
Why?
But why wouldn't I be able to compete?
What you're saying?
Joining the U.S. women's national swim team.
Mind you, I didn't even tell you why.
I'm raising money for Ukraine more than what you've probably done, chilling on the fucking beach in Mexico.
Did you raise any money for Ukraine now?
He's going to use his winnings to support a war-torn country.
What are you going to do?
You haven't won anything.
Well, I'm going to win, obviously.
I'm a guy.
I'm racing against women.
Okay.
Once I start, I'll immediately start winning.
And then I'll take all that money because I'm not going to obviously take all that money.
I'm going to give it to myself here.
I'm going to give it back to the war effort in Ukraine.
Obviously, the Ukrainian side.
Yes.
I need to be specific with fucking you.
Okay.
And then obviously other groups that need my help.
Stop Asian hate.
That's another one that I'm going to donate to.
Yo, you are.
Me too, if that's still around.
I don't know if that's still around, but I'm going to donate to that.
You know what?
Black Lives Matter, also, Al?
Okay.
I got that.
Any group that needs any money that I make as part of the U.S. Women's National Swim Team.
Okay.
I'm donating back to causes.
This is so brave.
Thank you.
Thank you.
At least you support.
Why are you wearing this?
What is this outfit?
This is what you swim in.
That's not.
No.
That's not what swimmers do.
Why are you wearing it?
Are you fucking sick of cishet white males deciding what women should and shouldn't wear?
Pushing their heteronormative ideals.
You don't get to say what women swim in, Mark.
No, I'm not saying women should swim in.
I'm saying that's not what they wear for the Olympics.
Oh, you're still saying what we have to wear.
It's you.
It's your fault that women are dressed in these fucking bikinis playing volleyball when they don't need to be dressed like that.
Yeah.
You probably jerk off to those videos of women doing Olympic sports.
Okay?
No, I don't jerk.
Yeah, you probably do.
You're one of those sick idiots.
Those people are sick.
They're fucking sick.
These are women competing, and they're not there for you to objectify them.
Just jerk off.
Yeah.
I appreciate more than their bodies, Mark.
Okay.
Yeah.
Appreciate it.
We're competing.
Okay.
And we're trying to raise money for the war effort in Ukraine.
What are you doing?
Probably trying to get booked at that bunker show.
Piece of shit.
Selfish.
But you haven't lowered your testosterone levels at all.
How do you know that?
Look at you.
Yeah, look at me.
It's right.
When you look at my face, what does my facial hair say to you?
That I have tons of testosterone?
Yeah.
Huh?
Look at my facial hair.
I look like a Korean grandmother.
Okay, you think I'm full of testosterone?
You don't know if I already started my treatment.
I got fucking fat tats.
Look at my titties filling this face.
You are filling out pretty good.
You are filling out pretty good.
Yeah, I am filling out.
Are you on birth control?
I don't know.
Weekend at Bernie's?
I don't know.
How am I weekend at Bernie?
Yeah, you're weakened at Bernie.
Okay.
What you got?
Bernie myself.
He wore black glasses.
I'm not even wearing those.
I'm alone.
I'm wearing uncut jumps.
Did I take my glasses off?
Okay, I can't see shit in this.
Women can't see for shit, dude.
The second I transition to a woman, my vision is like 40-40, dude.
Just how you fuck rich guys?
Communication skills.
Your communication skills got really bad, dude.
Yo, real talk.
Yeah, you guys want to hear a story?
So buckle up.
Tell us.
Tell us.
No, but to compete for the women's Olympic team, you have to lower your testosterone levels over two years to get within a specific range.
By the way, he'd been doing it two years ago.
When you ever seen him with a mustache, technically, I've been doing it for three years.
I've been with my girl for three years, and that's been lowering my testosterone.
He has not dessert every Monday.
What do you think these things are?
I try to suck on them every time I'm in the tower.
What?
Y'all never stuck their tips in the shower.
Man, my father.
Castrated for three years.
Thank you.
This is a transphobic.
This is a transformation.
You're the white folk.
You're the transphobic.
There's people that say.
You're assuming I'm trans.
No, I'm not.
You're assuming I'm trans.
I'm not.
Yes, you are, dude.
I said it's transphobic if you're going to be like, oh, people are going to join.
Hey, cis white male.
You don't get to define what hate is.
I fucking.
You hate white people.
I hate white men.
White men.
When men.
White men.
Cis het white men must die.
Stop.
Stop talking.
Yes.
Okay.
Haven't you talked enough?
How did you?
I'm just saying, people are getting.
You don't understand my lie.
No, it sounds like you're trying to just get into.
Oh, why don't you tell us what I'm doing?
You're trying to get into women's sports as a man.
I could be brown.
I could be blue.
I could be violent.
I could be hurtful.
I could be purple.
I can be anything I want.
Including a U.S. women's national team swimmer.
But, Mark, you have to be on testosterone suppressors for two years to get within a range.
I don't have testosterone.
What are you talking about?
I don't have testosterone.
Lift your arm up.
What is that?
Wow.
I supported my wife running the marathon.
Okay.
That's true.
She's got all the T. She's got all the T. You make up my gossip.
We're not.
Okay.
We're not.
But we are pretty good, damn good at gossiping.
I just want to let you know.
Okay.
This is my choice.
This is my life.
This is not what they wear.
It sounds like you think that if you just joined a woman's team, you could join the Olympic team, which I could do that.
Which, first off, I don't think it's possible.
And secondly, a man can't just join it and pretend to be trans.
You have to actually go through the process of becoming trans.
What is it?
Pretend to be trans.
These are your things you're putting on.
I'm fluid, Mark.
I didn't say it was one thing or another.
Why does life have to be a binary to fucking cishad white males?
I'm fluid.
I'm gender fluid.
I'm fluid.
Like, you don't know.
If you catch me in the right day, I might be male.
You catch me in the right day, I might be female.
That's fine, but in order to be a good computer.
That's why I can be such a great swimmer.
But in order to compete, you got to be on testosterone suppressant.
Yeah, I am suppressing my testosterone.
No, you're not.
Look at the way I'm sitting.
I got it all.
No, that's not.
I got to talk.
Like through pills.
I got to talk.
Like through medication.
No, you tuck your dick.
I tuck my dick seven hours a day.
I tuck my dick seven hours a day.
That is not.
I sit on my testicles so it doesn't produce more sperm.
Dickhead.
That's not how it works.
Yes, it does, dude.
You don't know.
Try to say one thing that I'm not doing.
You're telling the U.S. Women's National Airport.
You're not on hormone replacement therapy.
Okay.
I am doing that.
Because you say that you're doing it.
Why am I not doing that?
You don't know that I'm not doing that.
No.
How can you tell?
It seems like you saw Leah Thomas win the NCAA championship, and you're like, oh, because she was assigned male at birth and went through male puberty and is now a woman, that, oh, you can just sign up and do it, which is not the case.
Why is that not the case?
Because you have to.
Why am I not inspired by her story?
Why can't I not be inspired for her?
Why did we not give her a 34-30?
I wasn't inspired.
I didn't say you weren't inspired.
I'm saying for the NCAA, you have to go through a year of hormone suppressant.
Yeah, I didn't say I'm going to do it this season.
By the time that I'm able to swim with these broads, it will be a year.
Okay?
And then we're going to get to swimming.
No, that's not.
This man plays by the rules.
I play by the rules.
100% is what.
And to be honest, I think I'm at a disadvantage dragging this big old dick in the pool.
Dragging this anchor.
You know what I'm saying?
Swimming 200-meter crawl stroke with this anchor just dragging on the bottom of the pool.
Hell yeah.
And these girls using their pussy muscles to just queef their way through.
Like they're squints?
Yeah, no, they're sea dudes.
Okay.
They're like a jet ski, dude.
GJ Khaled should ride on one of those.
For real.
No, that's not how it works.
Yes, it is how it works.
No.
Are you sure?
Yes.
So you're saying I put all this on and I can't even do the thing that I actually want to do that I was inspired to do.
I mean, you can swim if you want to.
But first off, you can't compete.
And secondly, if you competed, you wouldn't get close to the top 10.
That that might be true, but I think you can compete.
Well, it depends which stroke, dude.
Obviously, the breaststroke.
What?
What about it?
You would do good.
My man's long stroke.
Backstroke.
That's not.
You think some girl's gonna beat me at the backstroke, bro?
Probably.
There's no way, dude.
Katie Ladecky probably could beat you.
Who?
Katie Ladecky.
Katie Ladecky?
Yeah.
She's a professional, Mike.
She's retired.
Yeah, that's what you said you're trying to do.
You're trying to become a professional swimmer.
So US women's national team.
How are you going to raise money?
I'm going to win.
But that would make you professional.
Now they can make money off his likeness.
Don't, dummy.
Women don't do professional sports.
I'm doing whatever women do, and then they must get paid for it.
Okay.
Okay.
So I'm going to start swimming.
As of the next season, the next swimming season, I will be swimming for the Ivy League School of My Choice.
Okay.
And that's it, dude.
Okay.
It's like, we don't have to think about it too much.
We don't have to like poke and prod.
And like, we don't have to use me as some fucking, you know, what is it?
These conservative assholes like always using me.
Not some puppet.
Yeah, as a puppet for their ideology.
Yeah, not at all.
Do you know what I mean?
When have you ever cared about women's sports?
Say again?
When have you always been a bad person?
I don't understand why he can't be inspired.
You don't like women's sports all of a sudden.
That's all of a sudden Leah Thomas is swimming.
All of a sudden, you care about women's sports.
I do like women's sports.
You said that they're stupid.
No, that's not true.
That's not true.
That is true.
That's not, it just depends which sport.
There are women's sports I fucking love.
Yeah, like what's your favorite woman?
Double penetration.
That's not a sport.
Do you think that's a sport, dude?
That's a fucking sport.
That's other than swimming, dude.
I mean, maybe.
You don't think they got to hold their breath a little too?
Come on, man.
Come on.
Okay.
It definitely takes athleticism.
Okay.
Without a doubt, it takes athleticism.
Pornography takes athleticism.
And it's fucking cish-het white males.
What does that mean?
You don't even know what that means.
Sis stands for sister.
Sis stands for sister.
Okay.
Het stands for whatever head is.
Yeah.
Cis het.
What is het?
Heterosexual.
Come on, dude.
What?
Yeah, that's what it stands for.
Cisgendered heterosexual man.
White man.
That's what you said.
Oh, I thought cis was cis.
No.
Yeah.
Okay, sis.
Like, yeah.
Yes.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay, fine.
Cisgendered.
Yes.
Heterosexual.
Yeah.
White men.
That's what you have kept on saying, yeah.
Yeah.
That is you.
I don't know how you put up with this.
That's also you.
That's also you.
I don't know how you put up with these motherfuckers.
You're not trans.
Oh, let's have a debate.
You want to debate?
That's what white people love to do all the time.
Oh, you want debate?
Oh, why don't we debate?
Right?
Like, change my mind.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
I can't be a female swimmer for the U.S. national team.
Change my mind.
You know what I mean?
Let's debate.
Why do white males always need a debate?
Let me be me and let me beat these bitches, bro.
What?
Don't call them bitches.
I can call us whatever we want.
What do you mean we?
I can call women whatever.
In that moment, I was a woman.
He's fluid, bro.
What do you want to understand about fluidity?
I'm not fluid, bro.
Hey, hey, he's in the dead.
He's in a daddy.
He's in a dead.
What is that on?
What is that song?
Yeah, what is this song?
What?
The Pergolator?
No, no.
Right there, I was female.
Okay, that's not how.
I'm not actually in the middle.
I was like, Meg the Sales.
That's kind of transphobic.
That's not how trans.
That's not how trans works.
Say again?
That's not how trans works.
What?
You're not actually trans.
You're just co-opting trans struggle in order to win money or something.
He's using a lot of big words to try to throw you off.
Don't let him fuck me.
That's two words shortened down.
Yeah, see how he's doing that?
Isn't that condescending?
Is that what they do?
They fucking break you down, dude.
Dude, these white men break you down.
They make you feel worthless.
I thought we're going to have to make you feel like nothing.
I thought we're going to have an actual conversation about Leah Thomas.
Oh, you don't have a debate?
Oh, here.
Can't we just talk?
Can't we just talk?
Can't we just use our free speech and talk?
Like, why can't we just share our opinion?
He said, your best opinion wins.
It's a thought, though, Joe.
You know what I mean?
Like, let's use our martial arts and the thought dojo.
All right.
Stop trying to tap people out, dude.
Okay.
Stop it.
Okay.
Let me live as myself.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
You don't know what it's like to want to suck your own tits all the time.
I'm fluid, bro.
I'm fluid, bro.
You don't know what it's like to want to slap your pussy.
When you hear the right song, you don't have a pussy.
Knees on the thin.
Stop, stop.
No.
Cover up.
I might go do it up because I'm getting a little weight when you need anything.
I'm like, no, I'm saying.
We fluid.
Knees on the fan.
You better be covered in gender fluid.
No.
All I'm trying to say is.
Cover up, please.
Let's stop being let's stop being bigoted.
Yes.
Let's stop being small-minded.
Who is a transphob?
It's just kind of doing this just a little.
Why?
Why?
I'm inspired.
I'm saying keep doing it.
I'm the one person on this planet that's like, yo, do your fucking thing.
Swim wherever you want to swim.
Okay.
I agree.
That's that's honestly.
If we're speaking honestly, knees on the fan and to the tasha.
What is the lyrics?
Get the lyrics up.
If we're speaking honestly to one another.
What?
Now you're saying that.
I was just trying to get in here.
Hands on my knees.
But if we're speaking honestly, okay, hands on my knee, shaking ass on my tash.
Hands on my knee, shaking ass on my tash.
Hands on my knees, shaking ass on my task.
You're faithfully to make me a profit.
Post me a faithfully to make me a profit.
What I'm doing right now is inspired by an incredibly brave woman.
Someone living their truth.
Someone living their truth.
And it's going to inspire all of us to live our truths.
We're all fluid.
We got this.
I understand.
You're pretending to be Canadian.
Oh, that guy's natural.
You know what I'm saying?
We're all fluid.
You know what I mean?
Like, we're all moving.
We're all ebbing.
We're all flowing.
We don't know who we are because we just are.
You know who knows who they are?
Who?
Leah.
Thompson.
Leah knows.
She fucking gets it.
Thompson.
That's not.
Hey, maybe her last name is a little fluid.
You know what I mean?
That's facts.
You know what I mean?
That's facts.
Her last name is a little fluid.
Maybe it was Thompson.
She was like, I'm taking something.
We Are All Fluid00:05:52
Maybe she had to run these.
Yeah, yeah.
It's not.
She lives her truth, dog.
All I'm trying to say is we just got to be a little bit more accepting and stop acting like we give a fuck about women's sports.
Can you put your shirt on?
I think we got to stop acting like we give a fuck about women's sports.
Yeah, there's a lot of people who are doing it.
Because it's a lot of dudes.
It's real funny how conservatives all of a sudden care about women's sports and the integrity of it.
Yeah, okay.
Sure thing, buddy.
Yeah.
To be honest, nobody give a fuck.
Keep it a buck.
I don't watch it.
Can you name the number two, three, four women in swimming?
No.
He said Katie Ledecky.
That's like three Olympics ago.
Yeah.
It's three Olympics.
Holds the record.
She holds a record.
That's why I'm like, holds the record for what, Mark?
Do you even know which stroke?
Yes.
Which one is it?
All them.
No.
Okay.
Can you name the one that she won?
I think it was 500 freestyle.
500 freestyle.
There isn't a 500 freestyle.
That's not a real thing.
It's an increments 200.
No, I think it's 500.
No.
That's what she won.
No, they didn't.
See, if you're going to try to compete, you got to know the strokes.
You got to know the switch.
Why does he have to know the strokes?
Because you're going to compete in it.
You got to know.
Right?
Like, if you're going to try to actually win money for Ukraine, I'm going to single-handedly.
Who's going to sponsor you to win money?
I don't know.
I don't need sponsorship.
How do you win money then?
I win the tournament and then I take the cash and throw it on my own box.
There's a cash prize.
Yes, there's a cash prize.
You think these girls are swimming for nothing, dude?
Why can't women also make money doing sports?
Good point.
Okay.
Good point, Mark.
We're going to fill the fucking stadiums.
Okay.
Okay.
And there's going to be everybody and their mothers and their sisters and their brothers are going to be out there and they're going to watch us.
Okay.
And they're going to support.
Are you going to do any other sports after you're done swimming?
OnlyFans.
I think I'll do OnlyFans.
Oh, the DP.
Yeah.
The DP, bro.
Get in there.
Wait, what?
Okay, put your shirt on.
All right, fine.
So, do you actually want to talk about Leah Thomas?
All right, fine.
We can talk about her.
Okay.
Nice.
Okay.
I'm so curious what your hair looks like under that.
Second.
You think you got waves?
Let me see.
Oh, I think you got waves, bro.
All I know is that, like, if you put this fucking thing on, you should.
Yeah, you.
Oh, now you're choking yourself?
Anybody who wears this should be able to compete whenever the fuck they want.
This is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
There's no way this gives you an advantage.
Yes, it does.
There's no way.
I mean, if you're bald, you have to.
Oh, it actually looks nice.
Does it?
Just a little rub down.
You're good.
Okay.
Yeah.
There you go.
Do you think that we were wrong?
You're not going to be able to compete in the women's category.
Why?
Because of my age?
No.
No.
Your age actually is not a prohibitor.
Laurel Hubbard competed in weightlifting in the Olympics at like 41.
Laura Hubbard?
Laurel Hubbard.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
Weightlifter.
She was like 41 when she did it.
And she did not win.
No.
No.
This was for New Zealand.
Yeah, that's true.
Interesting.
Yeah.
Interesting.
Okay.
I'll have to take this off.
Okay.
Maybe I'll just put this on the top.
It does look cool.
Guys, did you guys have a good weekend?
Excellent.
I had a great weekend.
Did you?
I had a great weekend.
Okay, this is the first weekend you were off the road.
Oh, God, I know.
What's up, everybody?
Big infamous tour news.
I'm coming to the great city of Cleveland.
One of my favorite cities, literally on the planet.
Tons of culture, tons of people, tons of families being born in basements, sex dungeons, and incest.
And that's most of Cleveland when you really think about it.
It's people having entire families with people that they are keeping as sexual slaves below sea level.
That is mostly Cleveland.
But outside of that, there's other very cool cultural things.
You can go take a picture on top of a sign that says Cleveland with train tracks and garbage in the background.
So that's really cool.
That's a great thing that you get to do.
We'll definitely do that.
Can't wait.
So we'll see you there, Cleveland.
Literally cannot wait for that.
Pittsburgh, we're coming to you after Cleveland.
You know what I'm saying?
That's a fucking step up.
I'll tell you that much.
I know that Christopher Nolan did the Bain Batman in Pittsburgh because he's like, that city scares me.
Well, after Cleveland, Pittsburgh is going to feel like Cancun.
Okay.
I cannot wait to be in you.
I love you guys.
I really cannot wait.
And then, of course, New York City, baby.
NYC, Radio City Music Hall.
Second show added.
Those tickets fucking flying.
Do not wait.
Do not DM me.
Do not call me and say, oh my God, it's sold out.
I couldn't get.
Go get the tickets now.
Okay.
Go get the tickets now.
Some of you listen right now.
We're friends, but we're not close enough.
You're like, am I close enough to ask him for free tickets?
If you're wondering, you're not.
Got the tickets.
Okay?
I love you.
Get the tickets.
Theandrewschultz.com.
Akash, what you got?
First of all, thank you to everybody who's in San Antonio.
We had a crazy weekend.
It was amazing.
I appreciate y'all again.
Now, April 1st and 2nd.
I am also coming to Ohio, but not Cleveland.
Much better city.
Toledo.
I will be there April 1st and 2nd.
Also, April 8th and 9th, I'll be in Tampa at the improv and April 22nd and 23rd.
Get your tickets.
Tickets are running low.
Toronto, my first theater show, Royal Theater.
I better see every fucking Indian in Bramladish out there.
Get your tickets at akashsing.com for that show and all the other shows I got coming up.
The madness has officially begun.
San Antonio and Toledo Tour Dates00:12:08
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Now let's get back to the show.
I had a great week.
What did you do just swim?
What did you do, buddy?
I was practicing swimming.
My wife ran the half marathon.
That seed?
No.
Women's sports.
Women's sports.
You support it.
He supports women's sports.
He never said he didn't.
You're the one saying he didn't.
Technically, the half marathon is not a woman's sport.
Yeah.
That's just a woman doing sports.
This dude did it too.
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah, and she was busting some of their asses.
That's my point.
We should just mix all the categories, men and women together.
It worked this weekend.
You know what?
There was, I don't know if you guys saw this, but I think there was this woman who made a film.
I forget which film it is.
Dove will know exactly what it is.
Just calls out Serena Williams for no fucking reason.
Did y'all see this?
No.
When she was accepting her thing?
Oh, I heard about this.
Some white lady.
Some fucking cishet white lady.
Dove has no idea what you're talking about.
Some cishet white lady.
She directed this film.
I forget which film it is.
And basically goes up to accept it.
And for no reason is like, and I have to compete against men.
Serena, you don't even have to do that.
Damn.
Bitch, you don't have to hold the camera.
What you mean you competing against?
Like, like, yes.
As a filmmaker?
Yeah, as a filmmaker.
Like, you should have to.
That's hilarious.
Like, the fact that we have like male and female.
I think Chris Rock maybe did a bit about this, but like male and female categories for like best actor.
Like Meryl Streep is not worried about competing with Leonardo Caprio at acting.
Yeah.
Wait, you think she's a better actress?
Yes.
And Leo's nice, but that bitch, Meryl Streep, is a problem.
She did a Leah Thomas at that show.
She's a Leah Thomas.
What movie you just saw with Meryl Streep?
You just saw it.
He had to see something.
I think she was in Coco, bro.
No, no.
I think she was in Coco.
She was Coco, Sancho.
She was Coco.
Oh, yo, she cocoa.
She could sing?
No.
She could sing.
You could bring somebody to tears with your voice, yo.
I did not know Meryl Streep was Coco.
That's fire.
Y'all all seen Coco?
Yeah, dog.
But you just saw it.
Don't get me started.
We talked about this movie.
I just saw it again, but I finished it for the first time.
No, no, the end is what you got to wait till the end.
That's when you cry.
Yeah, I know.
I was on a flight.
That shit landed right when the motherfucker couldn't go back to the real world.
Oh, so I don't know what happened.
Okay.
Don't ruin it for people.
That's not even the end of the guy.
That's not even the action.
He called me yesterday.
He's like, yo, who wrote Coco?
We need them to write a movie.
I was so serious.
That's a perfect film.
This guy's doing crying for 20 million.
I'm literally watching the shit crying like knees over the hands of the movie.
You know, movies mid as fuck onward.
Stop.
He said, I shut it this weekend.
I never watch it, bro.
Nah.
It's not a coco, but it's not mid-Canadian.
Thank you.
Can I say something?
Can I say something?
This is fuck.
This is this is you watched Onward.
Yeah.
Not during the quarantine/slash pandemic.
Okay.
Onward came out, if I'm not mistaken, when we were all quarantined.
So we got when you got nothing better to do?
Yeah, yes, hater.
You had nothing at all.
And then there's this beautiful movie that comes out and you're like, beautiful, dog.
That shit's beautiful.
It was good, but it's like you said it was the best movie you ever saw.
You cried three times.
Not not.
Three?
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I said he tried multiple times.
That's cap.
I said he cried multiple times.
That's cap.
No, you said that on a pot after that.
That's cap.
That's cap.
Bro, that's cap.
No, that's cap, dude.
I did not cry two times.
At Coco, I cried for the last 20 minutes straight.
It was like brave heart for me.
But you didn't finish it.
I finished it this last time.
Oh, okay.
And I was bawling.
I can't believe you just finished it.
You finished it.
So everybody, the way we've been talking about that movie, and you didn't finish it before.
Bro, it was unbelievable.
That guy turned out to be the bad guy the whole time.
Yo, yo, yo, you?
No, no, no.
You need to start seeing shit.
Yeah.
Also, you're not going to feel it the way we felt it.
This guy got enough time to go on 15 dates a week.
Yeah, he got no time to watch a fucking movie, and then we can't talk about that from the movie.
And these girls are probably 22 anyway.
They'd love to watch it.
Watch that movie with a girl, you'll get married.
Yo, son, dead ass.
I was weeping, bro.
It's beautiful.
Who's going to put anything?
You're on your friend though.
Hold on, hold on.
By the way, my date was Mexican.
Oh, fuck, man.
Remember me.
When Simpson, something?
I don't know.
That movie was fire.
Oh, God, man.
That shit was beautiful.
And then my girl started watching Encanto.
I got her.
It was good.
I'm not in yet.
I had no interest.
That name be killing me.
I had no interest.
They start the fucking movie.
I watched 10 minutes.
I'm like, oh, man.
I had to go.
It was a swim practice.
I had to go take a breath.
But I was fucking in, dude.
They are masters.
Do you know who wrote in Canto though?
Who?
Lynn Manuel Miranda.
Yeah.
Little Tim.
And all due respect to Lynn Manuel Miranda, like the dude has made some bangers.
He gives the initial, then they give it to the Pixar people, and they go, what they get from here?
Moana?
Banger?
Anything Pixar?
No, it slaps everything.
The rate at which they hit.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
You watch every Pixar.
A Pixar movie that's bad is one that you don't fucking love.
Then you're like, oh, that was disappointing.
I didn't fucking love it.
Yes.
Yeah.
If it's not Coco level, you're like, nah.
Up.
Holy shit.
The first 10 minutes of up.
Toy Story 1, 2, and 3.
Phenomenal.
I didn't fuck with four.
But that's the same thing.
I was like, eh.
But still, you're squeezing all the juice out.
Four?
Yeah.
Yeah, right.
Andy 37.
We don't need it anymore.
It's a new family.
Yeah.
What are we doing, guys?
So this, we need to get whoever's in charge of Pixar.
All right, you know how?
What's the one with the feelings?
Oh, I'm going to watch that now.
I haven't watched it.
Have you seen it?
I haven't seen that one.
Oh, my God.
You're going to cry.
This one.
You're going to cry.
Yo, this one is my nigga.
So it's crazy.
Take a flight just to watch it.
Honestly, circle the block of future.
Just watch that shit.
Landed JFK.
It's fire.
Inside Out was built up so far.
You know what I'm talking about on planes?
It's cocoa.
So if I watch that shit on a plane, it's over.
If you watch it on a plane, it's over.
Inside Out was built up so much for me that it disappointed me.
Oh, man.
But I also am not.
I just be hating on it.
Yo, Soul's fire too.
You saw that?
You hate on everything.
I like Soul.
I liked Soul.
Soul was good.
Soul was good.
I thought what I liked about Soul was, and I think we spoke about it, was that like it was a movie or like it was a Pixar, whatever you call them, an animation.
And I like that Pixar does this, where it's like, oftentimes when you do a movie or animation that has black people in it, it has to feel like this is a black thing.
And one of the geniuses, like Jordan Peel is like, he's just making these awesome horror movies that happen to be filled with black people, but they're not, this is a black movie.
And I think that it's not pandering or it's not using these like stereotypical characters, right?
It's just like, hey, these are the people that this movie takes.
I'm not pandering.
Coco wasn't, to me, wasn't like, this is only for Mexicans.
It was like, this just happens to take place.
Yeah.
And then that's what Soul felt like as well.
Except Soul, most of the movie, he's just a little blue guy.
Yeah, that shit was, it was trippy.
That's a bait and switch.
You're a black dude going to the theater.
You're like, finally, a black movie.
And the whole time is just fucking.
Can I be honest with you?
I thought Seoul was mid.
Really?
Yeah.
I thought Soul was mid.
I thought it was a little bit hype, but it was good.
It was good.
But that's, again, that's Pixar.
It's good.
So you're like, oh, it was disappointing.
Yeah, it was the best movie that ever made a bad movie.
Fair enough.
Okay, so here's my question.
The guy that runs Marvel, Dove, what's his name?
Kevin Feige.
Kevin Feige.
Yeah, Ledge.
There is a Pixar version of Kevin Feige.
Who the fuck is that?
Lazader, and then he kind of went away.
Now he's at a Skydance animation.
But the same guys that are, this is what's interesting about Pixar.
The guys that are the animators from Toy Story are still there as like the executives.
So the executives are also the creatives, are also the directors.
You're doing everything.
They're watching over each other's projects.
So there's like 50 collaborators on a project.
So it's Pete Doctor and Andrew Stanton.
I mean, just unbelievable.
To be able to put something out.
The number of home runs they've hit back to back to back to back to back is insane.
And let me just point out this one thing.
If you are, for example, a chef and you create the dish and you make it every single time, it's possible for you to maintain that consistency.
Right.
Then you start a restaurant.
You can't be there every single day.
So you got to teach other chefs to do it.
But you need to create enough systems and rules so that they can make it consistently like you.
And then you turn into McDonald's and you're like, okay, maybe the quality is going to go down, but it's going to taste the same everywhere you go.
Right.
With these fucking Pixar movies and movies just in general, there are thousands of people working on this ship, right?
Yeah.
Like to have one guy in Marvel and one guy in Pixar maintain more or less the quality of every single thing that comes out when you have to manage thousands of fucking people.
That's impressive, bro.
It's crazy.
And you know what?
What else I just realized?
Pixar hits at a higher percentage than Marvel.
Yo.
Facts.
Whoa.
I'm going to be honest, it's indisputable.
Because I didn't love Inside Out.
So many people love Inside Out.
Do you know anybody whose favorite Marvel movie is Black Widow or Scarlet Witch or whatever the fuck?
No.
They have movies.
They put out enough that you don't really notice, but they have movies that none of us really give a fuck about.
But there are some.
Avengers Age of Ultron.
None of us loved it.
There's a lot of Pixar movies.
The models are just for kids and we don't watch them at all.
What are you saying on that?
There's a lot of Pixar movies that are just for kids that we don't even tune into them at all.
Like if you watch it, you'd be like, ah, like you'll snore through it.
And these are things that come out in theaters?
Good Dinosaur was like, fine.
Cars sort of sucked.
No, first of all, people love cars.
People love cars.
That's the thing.
You might not like it.
I didn't love Inside Out.
People fucking love it.
No, it's just for selling toys, like cars, planes, all that.
That was just for kid toys, like that kind of stuff.
Good Dinosaur wasn't that good.
Luka was good.
I thought it was good.
That was good.
More for kids.
But you're going to, Pixar's business model hasn't changed.
They're not making as many things as Marvel's going to make.
And Marvel's about to make 10 times more.
Like every single character that you see in a feature is going to have a whole series.
The Eternal Slap.
I don't know a lot of people that saw that.
That was good.
I thought people ain't watching it like that.
But it got slept on.
It seemed like it did fine.
The problem that Marvel's going to have to figure out right now, or the solution for it, is that the new things that they're creating, right?
These new stories are based on characters that we don't have any nostalgia with.
Right.
So, like, I don't know what the Eternals are.
Now they're going to find out how powerful their brand is.
Yeah.
You know, like, it's like when a clothing brand puts out some absolute dog shit and you're like, but it's Gucci.
Like, now you find out how powerful Marvel is when you don't do a Wolverine, when you don't do a Avengers, when you don't do an X-Men, when you do some, like, Shang-Chi was a character nobody fucking heard of.
And the fact that they made something good, you start going, okay, maybe I should dabble in these characters that I know nothing about because they're so good at storytelling.
Yeah.
And they did it with Guardians of the Galaxy.
Yeah.
That slapped.
New Stories Without Nostalgia00:03:39
That slapped.
And I was walking in there like, is a fucking raccoon I'm going to watch.
What's that director's name?
What's his name?
James Gunn.
Here's the thing.
I'll follow that motherfucker.
If James Gunn wants to do Eternals, I'll watch Eternals.
If James Gunn wants to take some random character we never fucking heard of, I'll watch that.
So yeah, Kevin Feige was that guy, but there's only one of him.
And what happens at Pixar is that there's like 20 of him and they stay at Pixar.
They work their full time to be the creative team.
And Marvel is like you get one Kevin Feige and then they assign it to a new director and a couple new executive producers each time.
You're not going to have that consistency that Pixar has.
No way.
Anyway, back to the weekend.
Can you explain, other than watching Coco, why didn't you run in the half marathon?
I didn't train.
How much did your girl train?
She trained a lot.
Really?
No, low-key, yeah.
And you couldn't have just busted it out?
No.
Then you run every time you go to the gym.
Yeah, but it's the long miles.
13 miles long.
Sam, I used to think I could bust it.
You could just do it.
Yo, son, I ran a marathon not training at all.
Mind you, I cramped the entire way.
But I finished it.
What time did you do it?
Yeah, how long did you do?
Probably six and a half times.
What was your average mile time?
That's what I'm trying to call.
I don't know.
That's walking a marathon.
Yeah.
Hey, though.
Yeah, that's actually true.
And here's the thing.
I know I could do that.
Yeah.
But I'm not trying to embarrass my girl when she trains.
Oh, smart.
That's actually very nice.
Yo, you're a gentleman.
That's very nice.
I'm a loving husband.
Yeah, you're supportive.
I have to support.
God, you're a feminist, dude.
Yeah.
We've known this.
I know.
I know.
Sometimes it just takes me, it just floors me how much of a feminist you are.
Why?
Because you got that cis head cock is probably contagious.
Yeah.
He's just rubbing off on you.
Yeah.
Because he doesn't have a fucking Lilo to fill up.
That's what they do.
I wish I could rub off on.
That'd be fire.
No, no.
In all seriousness, we went for like a long run the other day and a few weeks ago, and my cardio was fine, but literally my muscles started to get tired.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's what happened.
That's sports, bro.
Yeah, I never had that experience that.
I never experienced, like, the cardio would go first usually, but like my leg muscles were like, yeah, we're not doing this no more.
I thought it's, y'all don't have that happen where the cardio usually.
You never had a cramp?
What are you talking about?
You never worked out and be like, oh, my muscles are tired.
Like you try to do an extra say, like, oh, shit, that's it.
I just take a 60-second break.
I could do it again.
But, like, when you were playing basketball, you didn't get to the end of the game and be like, oh, my knees are shaking.
If I go up the stairs, it'll be like.
Not if I'm on offense.
On defense, I'm tired as fuck.
I'll be like, yo, man, switch.
Switch, chill it, close out.
Close out.
But offense, I always got that extra jolt energy.
I could jump high.
Because you're not playing defense.
Yeah, defense, my cramps kick in big time.
I'm an offensive player.
That's really what it is.
That's the thing about soccer.
You don't got to play defense if you don't want to.
If you're a striker.
I mean, kind of.
Ronaldo not playing no fucking defense.
I mean, but he's getting back, though.
Say what?
Do what?
Go ahead, to show support.
Yeah.
Good job, guys.
Good job.
No, he's an ally.
He goes back there.
He supports the team, tries to get the ball.
Take it up.
Right, right.
That's what I could do.
That's why I know I could play soccer better than anybody on this earth.
Because if it's just all offense, it's also all running.
Say again?
It's also all running.
And I can do that.
Apparently, you can't.
I can do anything if I can take a little break.
You can't take a break when you're jogging.
If I take a little 60-second break, I get right there.
You have water cups on the side of the marathon.
You just run up, take a sip, wait 60 seconds, and keep going.
Ronaldo Does Not Play Defense00:11:02
You couldn't stop.
I ain't stopping.
No, you didn't want to stop with your girl also running.
That's what it was.
Because if you and your girl are running together and you're like, all right, let me take a break.
You would make her stop too.
Yeah, yeah, yo, you tired or what?
Yo, your knee looks like it's hurting.
Nah, but he has longer legs, so your pace is probably faster.
You just will tire out.
So you just go ahead and then you stop and then she catch up.
She would bust my fucking ass.
Nah, fuck up her pace when you fell.
And then she had to go and see how you're doing.
Yeah, you might hit her with a Tanya Harding, bro.
You might hit her with a Tanya Harding and try to sabotage.
That's the other thing.
It'd be too dangerous for me to train.
Yeah, if I was putting multiple miles in on a treadmill every single week, no, that's a problem, bro.
So what did you do?
You just supported her on the side?
I just supported her.
I had my bike.
I had that Super 73.
Shout out to Super 73.
Here's your shout out.
Three years later, she gave us 15 fucking bikes.
I didn't do a single Instagram post, but here's your fucking shout out.
Shout out.
Oh, my God.
Yo, Jamil was asking me for one.
He was like, yo, you think I can get a discount on one?
I was like, maybe.
So, but yeah, I was just biking around supporting, you know.
The fact that you were following her on an electric bike, you couldn't even pedal.
He was not trying to tune you.
Just pedal.
You in or you out?
Just pedal.
You know what I'm saying?
Let's go.
Don't be in the middle.
Do this.
No.
Uh-uh.
Uh-uh.
I'm out here, bro.
I'm out here supporting my wife.
What did y'all do to support your wives this weekend?
What did y'all do?
Work?
Yeah, I be working.
You know what I'm saying?
What else did you do?
I came to your wife's house.
You don't need to talk now.
You don't have a wife.
Your caviar, bro.
Okay.
Oh, yeah.
You had caviar, Dora.
I look fire.
I do that now.
Oh, I do that now.
Okay, sick.
Yeah.
My man is living different, bro.
Yeah, we're living different, bro.
Okay.
Well, I took her to Mexico.
That's how I was.
Oh, not a thing.
I mean, we just went on a ferry for 30 minutes to get there.
And literally, we flew in, four-hour flight, two hours in a car, 30 minutes on a ferry to stay there for two days.
I was trying to tell you that.
Yeah, I know.
I didn't.
I tried to tell you.
Hey, you know where you should go, Marubo?
Bro, I was so mad, though, because I was in the Uber and I was like, God damn it.
We're going to get it at 10 o'clock at night.
It's going to be dark.
We lose the whole day.
I look at my story.
Al's in Antigua.
Already on the beach.
Yep.
And then on top of that, guess who I saw at the airport?
Who?
Hoda.
Hoda.
No, not Hoda.
Oh, Kathy Lee and Hoda.
Yeah, Kathy Lee and Hoda.
And Hoda was there looking fire.
Really?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
She that drunk girl that used to be on TV with Kathy Lee.
You can't call her drunk.
Nah, they used to get Twisted.
It was funny.
That's Hoda.
Yeah, she met her in British.
She was mad dope.
She was super cool.
And she finessed the whole customs.
How?
So we're standing there in line.
We land.
Customs is probably an hour and a half at least.
So we get off the plane.
They funnel the fucking job.
You just learn about global entry.
That shit sucks.
It's something else.
He's a greeters.
Green cards.
What do you say?
Greeters.
Greeters.
So a lot of airports are private.
Most airports are private.
And you can pay.
There's usually a service and someone will walk your ass to the front.
Well, apparently that happened because I walked in there.
It was fucking Squid Games.
And it was just like four lines.
And you had to pick one of the shapes and then just hope that it worked.
And there was like a long zigzag and then there was like a wide zigzag and you had to pick the one you thought was good.
So I just followed Hoda.
I was like, she probably got it.
Egyptian.
You know what I mean?
She's smart, knows the mazes.
So I got in the line with her.
And then I'm standing there, and it's her, like, I think her daughter, just like a younger girl with her, and then her truffle.
Yeah.
I could tell it was a trufflette.
She had Dove's energy, and she was looking around, and she was not having it.
The fact it was an hour and a half.
So she's sitting there, and all of a sudden, there's a female truffle, Dove.
A trufflette, literally.
It's like your alter ego, dude.
You can all hire this person.
There's your truffle for the day.
Everyone can hire this person.
A few hundred bucks.
All right.
Oh, you got to hire people to do something for you.
We're talking about finding love, bro.
Yeah, I know.
You can set you up.
The two truffles together.
You're going to be unstoppable.
Okay.
So she's standing there, and all of a sudden, I'm watching.
And then I was about to go talk to her and be like, man, this line's crazy.
She's literally the person directly in front of me.
And her hair looks perfect, the whole deal.
All of a sudden, all three of them jump out of line after waiting for like five minutes.
And then the female truffle sits on the ground.
And I was like, oh my goodness, she's having a medical emergency.
What could be happening?
Protesting.
I thought she was protesting.
All of a sudden, I see two Mexicans walk over with a wheelchair.
Oh, put her in the wheelchair.
And then she's in the wheelchair, like hunched over.
Not Hoda, the trufflette.
She's in the wheelchair hunched over, like, oh my goodness, I'm so dehydrated or something.
Losiento.
And then they bring her to the front of customs, skips everyone, and then they go through.
And then I wait in the line for an hour and a half.
Fuming.
You wouldn't allow it.
He would try this best.
That bitch was walking fast.
That's my point.
I would have snitched.
I almost went crazy.
Nope.
Dude, nah, I don't play that.
I almost put her in a wheelchair for real.
If I'm weighing, we all win.
I would have given her.
You cut the line, then it's like, figure y'all shit out.
But if I'm weighing, everybody's winning.
I don't even like when they try to get in front of you when you're leaving the plane.
And by they, I mean fucking Hasidic Jews every single time.
The Hasidic Jews don't understand that like when we get up off when the plane lands, they have to wait their will.
Why do they not get that?
They're masters that escape.
Don't put me in a kill.
That's what those people do.
For years they've escaped.
Countries, prosecution.
They literally feel like the Ottoman Empire just fell.
Every single time.
It's unbelievable.
Every time they come bustling up the front, the plane is still rolling.
Unleavened bread, bro.
That's what it is.
The plane's unleavened.
They're just fucking running out.
That's crazy.
That's why you text me.
Should I put myself in a wheelchair?
She wasn't a greeter.
They didn't have a greeter.
They just did it.
I just had to do it too.
I don't do that for karma reasons now.
I used to do it at Disneyland with my friends.
Disneyland Six Flags.
Oh, yeah.
I almost knocked my girl out.
I swear to God.
I would have knocked her out.
Yeah.
I would have given her one elbow, fell to the ground with her.
Or you could just ask her to play along.
No, but she's the worst actress of all time.
She's the worst.
Because I was talking to her.
I was like, okay, which one of us wants to collapse?
Yeah.
And she's like, oh, I'll collapse.
And I was like, well, I thought I should collapse because it's going to be more acting for the person that passed out.
Nah, son.
If you collapse, they're going to leave you there.
They're going to keep you at the airport.
No, they're going to do like an ambulance ship, but they can't just cross you into America.
There's probably some sort of facility there.
No, I would, yeah.
I would say, oh, take me to the ambulance in Hobosh, Mexico.
That'd be really convenient.
Oh, this is getting into Mexico.
Oh, I thought this is getting bad.
No, no, Oh, yeah.
He traveled to Cancun on spring break weekend.
Yeah, this guy's talking about it.
He's going to be a little bit more.
I don't let him travel.
I'm going to travel anywhere.
I've never been anywhere.
Stop trying to do it yourself.
I was trying to tell you.
He was telling me about this.
I'm telling you.
He wants to do it himself.
That's what he wants to do.
I don't want to go to Cancun.
I want to go to Hobosh.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So that's tourists.
I'm a grown-up, okay?
And I'm going to do it myself.
I don't need a money.
You have a weekend?
Yeah.
You take a direct flight to the place where you can go.
Yep.
You make sure the airport is smart.
You're out of there in 30 minutes.
Boom.
Yeah.
Small.
I know that now.
Okay.
What's crazy is he asks for advice two months before, then doesn't tell you when it's going to happen.
No, he needs to do that.
He's all grown up.
I think I can make my own vacation.
I can make my own.
I'm going to grow learn.
You're going to learn.
You're going to learn.
Wait, but what do you want to do?
What did you want him to do?
He got to call us.
Oh, we're going to get to you in a minute.
Oh, we're going to get to you in just one minute out.
Okay?
You call us, but hey, how do I do this?
What's the best way?
Should I go for three days?
I asked Jamil.
Yo, Hobosh is the spot.
Better than that?
But he didn't say for 24 hours.
You were in Hobosh for 12 hours.
Yeah, I know.
I didn't explain it perfectly.
Jamil lives there for months, has a relationship with the best restaurants, hotels, everything.
I can get you hooked up here.
I'll go to Marshall.
Disregard it.
Disregard.
My girl looked at the website and said she liked the pictures better.
Be a man.
Be a man.
I know.
But it's like, I don't know travel, so I just assume she knows.
They know travel.
Can we say one funny ass thing, though?
Because my girl and I got into it over this shit.
We were talking about the honeymoon, right?
And she planned the honeymoon, right?
Right.
Of course, you planned the honeymoon.
And she made me feel like, what was it?
I was giving pushback about one thing.
And she goes, you have to understand, like, you've had a lot of say in this.
Like, you were the one that wanted to leave from this place at the end.
Yeah, yeah, So here's the thing that they don't get.
Here's the ladies, this is the thing you don't get, but this is the thing you don't get.
Listen, like, okay, so basically, we're going to a few different places in Italy, right?
Okay.
And I suggested, right?
After my girl showed me the whole trip, she's like, I did some work on the honeymoon.
Did some work on the honeymoon means I planned the whole fucking honeymoon top to bottom.
This is how it's going to be.
Okay.
I go at this point.
Anything you suggest is like just shitting all over hours of their hard work.
Right.
Right?
So it's already set in stone.
Okay.
It's already done.
Right.
But at the same time, it's like, well, it's my honeymoon too.
I want to do it.
You're so gay.
Yeah, I know.
No, it's not.
No, no, honeymoon's not wedding, fam.
Yes, it is.
It's all their shit, bro.
That's the single.
That's all their shit.
So when you go on vacations, is there shit too?
No, here's the thing.
Not vacation, no, but the honeymoon.
I just said you planned this whole honeymoon without me.
It hurt my feelings.
No, no, no.
Are you serious?
I get to say.
Well, here's the thing.
She tried to act like I planned it.
That's what pissed me the fuck off.
You got gas.
I agree.
You got gas.
I'll be using that shit all the time on her.
I'll be using her shit.
And all the time, she tried to raise her voice in a public place.
I went over the top.
She tried to raise her voice.
She's like, but you have to understand that you've had a say in all this.
I was like, literally in the restaurant, this loud.
What do you mean I've got a say in all this?
I don't care anymore.
I don't care anymore.
I have public conflicts.
I don't care.
I don't care.
I want to smoke.
Yeah.
Okay?
You can't do it.
We're in the middle of the oldest snake place in New York City.
And I was like, all the dudes here know all about this shit.
I ain't ruffling no feathers.
They're like, work it, kid.
Yeah, all the first time.
And they're like, why is she here with you?
This is for you and your homies.
They're all rubbing the ring finger that's no longer there.
So, so, but yeah, she was trying to act like I made this big decision at the end.
And I had to explain to my wife, I said, baby, I love that you plan all this shit.
You're way better planning.
You know all the fucking cool spots to go to, et cetera.
But stop acting like I did, I chose to do this.
My ideal honeymoon is we go to a surf beach, I surf all day, and then we hang out all night.
And then she goes, you would rather surf?
She literally says to me, she goes, you would rather surf than hang out with me?
I was like, during the day.
I was like, how many seconds went by?
It was immediate or you waited two seconds.
Refinance Student Loans at Earnest00:02:52
Turn the day.
I said immediate reaction.
During the day?
Like that.
I go turn the day.
Bro, I just understood couples' vacations.
I just understood it.
Hey, no one told me.
No one told me.
It's like the Disney cruise.
You know how the parents just dropped their fucking kids off at the Disney handlers?
I thought that she was mad weird before.
No, you're not going to be able to do it.
But now it's like couples.
When you first go on vacations, everyone's polite and you're like, oh, yeah, we can go to the Botanical Gardens and you just make up some shit and you do it.
No.
And then you just kind of neither of you are happy because you're both doing shit you don't want to do.
They go.
So then they do the dumb shit and then we go hiking and everything's great.
And then you link up at night and you're like, oh, how was your day?
And then there's stories.
It's all the best.
Every party I went to as a kid was our parents would all go.
Everybody's parents.
You know, we get all fucked up.
Oh, look at all the Indians come together in Dallas and stink up their nails.
Stop trying to compare your fucking Indian parties to grown man shit.
You know what Indians go on vacation where the man wants.
That is bad.
That is bad.
All right, guys, we're going to take a break for a second.
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Now, let's get back to the show.
Happy birthday, by the way.
Thank you.
Happy birthday.
Happy birthday.
Thank you.
Very nice.
I had the most amazing trip because 60% of it I was alone.
Wait, why?
Hunter Biden Bombshell Report Lost00:15:15
So I booked this trip Wednesday night for a Thursday, 8 a.m. flight.
G's up.
Yeah.
That's how a man does that shit.
I get there.
It's fantastic.
Oh, my girl couldn't get off on Thursday.
So I book her flight the next day in the morning.
And so it was too late, of course, for her to act for the day off.
So I was like, oh, just come on the next day or whatever the case is.
I'll get one.
You got caught.
That's what I'm saying.
Calling sick, y'all.
So Thursday, apparently, you guys had a bunch of fog here.
So she keeps getting notifications.
She keeps getting notifications.
Oh, her fight's pushback, pushback, pushback.
And now it's Saturday.
This is the greatest birthday any man has ever had.
So my birthday was Friday.
So I was there.
So you had a resort alone.
Oh, fuck, dude.
Man, it was fantastic.
What a day.
What a day, man.
That's fantastic.
But at the same time, I missed her a lot.
So it's like to have her there for the later part of it.
It was like perfect.
It's part of my time.
It's like pent-up missing energy.
Yeah, you see her and you're all over.
You're like, this is yours.
Serving the day, hang out at night.
Yes.
That's yours.
You had it.
You fucking had it.
It was amazing.
Okay.
Now tell the actual funny part about it.
Oh, the actual funny part.
Fucking idiot.
So when I was booking this, I was like, oh, where does Charlemagne go?
Oh, Turks?
No, he goes to Anguilla.
He goes to Anguilla.
So he goes, I'm going to go to that island that Charlemagne goes to.
Oh, my God.
That's yours.
So I'm on a flight.
I'm on a flight.
I text Charlie.
Like, yo, Charlie, you have any recommendations to go to Antigua?
He just wrote, I go to Anguilla.
So much sass in it, like, ew, bro.
Yeah.
But I wouldn't, I wouldn't have changed a thing, though.
Amazing island.
Really?
Amazing.
So fucking beautiful.
Small.
You can get from each coast till at like a half hour.
Do you rent a car or something?
No, no, no.
How long is the flight?
Flight's three and a half.
Solid?
Something.
Solid.
It's amazing.
Amazing.
How'd you mix it up?
Antigua and Guillaume.
Why don't you tell us more about it?
20 hours in Mexico.
It was fire.
It was amazing.
Best 20 hours I ever spent.
I didn't plan it that good.
I had a full 40 hours.
Oh, Mark got there at night.
This is funny.
And the whole resort like shuts down at like, what time?
It's like an eco-friendly resort.
Oh, my gosh.
Yes.
Like, they do eco-friendly hotel, basically meaning like they just don't give you shit and then say, save the planet.
Yeah, you're trash.
Okay, man.
Trash, bro.
So we pulled up and then there's like no hot water after 12.
So we get out this long flight.
We're all on a dirty road.
I'm like, man, take a shower.
It's like a resort.
It's like a really nice one, but they do eco-friendly.
So you get one towel.
That's why he dressed like this because he didn't get to wear his beach clothes the whole time.
I was getting shelled the whole time.
And then we got cooked on the beach.
What happened?
Because we pull up, we sit there, two chairs.
Oh, why don't you pick your spot?
Bro, this girl walks up to me and goes, hey, excuse me.
Sorry to bug you.
But did you guys take the chairs that were here?
And we're like, yeah, we're sitting in them right now.
You literally see us sitting in them.
And she's like, oh, okay.
Because my grandma and I actually reserved it.
And I turn around and I look at her and she's like a 20-year-old girl.
And then her grandma might be a thousand.
She's the oldest woman I've ever seen in my life.
She looked like the sand on the beach.
She was now.
Yeah, literally.
She was someone's Ebuelita.
And then she's standing there.
And I was like, I was going to just tell her, no, we got these now.
I'm sorry.
But the fact that her grandma's there in a full bathing suit, I was like, fine.
You got to try to smash.
You're telling me.
So I just said, all right, fine, take it.
Gave her the seats.
There was only two seats for the whole beach.
It was like super packed.
Eco-friendly.
You know, eco-friendly.
Yeah.
You know, eco.
Eco is economy friendly.
During spring break.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
That's that's what made it worse.
Yeah, no, I should have gone to fucking Antigua or whatever.
Yeah, my place wasn't a spring break destination, even though my hotel apparently is for influencers.
And so there were about 30 BBLs walking around.
No.
It looked like a music video for fucking pong song or some shit like that.
Really?
It was fucking crazy.
And you had the whole day by yourself.
Unfortunately.
Mark laughed so hard at Pong song as you're hitting it to your ass.
Mark couldn't even contain himself.
Just because he was pre-winged.
It was exactly like Artist Cisco.
Yeah, of course.
But what other video are you going to think of that has just like ash cheeks out?
Like it was just that.
I mean, WAP.
Fuck you.
Nah, it was crazy.
So you ever heard of the Claremont twins?
Claremont Twins.
Google.
Yeah.
Yeah, let's Google that because I tell you.
Some influencers, identical twins, like crazy, like Nicki Minaj bodies.
And they were celebrating their birthday.
So all their friends look exactly the same.
It was crazy.
Crazy.
Were there dudes there too?
A few, mainly gay.
So there's just hot chicks there.
No guys.
Oh, that sounds fun.
Who's paying?
Who's paying?
So the influencers that get hooked up.
Oh, they just have to take pictures at the resort and do the whole thing.
Resort looks sick.
I mean, you only post that one video, but it looks fucking sick.
Fire.
And that was like right off of your room or something like that.
Wow.
Yeah.
Antigua, that's my new spot.
I'm going there.
Like, I got cool with the hotel, with the owner of the hotel and all that shit.
Like, I'm going right back to that.
Jesus.
Really?
Yeah, it was awesome.
Expensive?
No.
Like the flight and shit?
No.
Flight was like three and change.
What?
What do you like?
The Claremont twins.
Bro, I could see that you like them.
Yeah, I like the Instagram.
I made friends with them.
Yeah, they were friends.
They're influencers.
Yeah, yeah.
And they influenced me to double zap their picture.
I haven't made friends with them before my girl got together.
I'm just double-checking.
She made friends with them too.
We all made friends.
That's like just jogging.
It's nice.
You guys are wild around the wild, bro.
This is a wild.
I know.
This is a wild.
Yeah, I'm crazy, bro.
Wild motherfucking god.
I'm just saying, I had a nice trip.
It was nice.
At the Rogue Island.
I was in San Antonio, Tennessee.
I didn't even get Mexican food, yo.
What'd you eat?
On Sunday, we're going to eat Mexican food, and we're editing.
And I'm looking around for all these brunt spots, and everybody closes at like 2:30 p.m.
Yeah.
And we finished editing at like 3.
So after walking around for like an hour on the riverwalk and shit, we're like, yo, you know what?
Let's just eat at Chipotle.
So the only Mexican food I got the entire time I was in San Antonio was at Chipotle.
This is embarrassing.
This is embarrassing, dog.
From a Texan, no less.
I went to Texas ready to eat.
Weren't you there Friday, too?
You planned your trip like Mark.
We got in right before the flight.
Before the show, Saturday, y'all did it.
Saturday, I was like, let's try not to eat junk food till Sunday.
I got two shows and I don't want to do that.
And then Sunday, I was like, all right, we can do it today.
And then, motherfucking, every spot, they were like, nah, we closed, man.
I don't know what you think this is.
We're not open all day.
What kind of poor restaurants do you eat at?
And I was like, I'll show you.
And then I went to Chipotle.
Nice.
Nah, Chipotle stands up, bro.
I ain't going to lie.
I mean, Mexican, Mexican.
You're never disappointed, but Damsha ain't great.
No, Chipotle kind of fired, man.
I ain't going to lie.
You don't think?
I'll order Chipotle right now.
It's fine.
Yeah, it's good.
It's always good, but it's not.
I like that Chipotle shit.
You know, Torres shit.
We got some things we need to discuss.
Okay.
There's some important things going on in the world, and the people that listen to this podcast come to us for facts and information.
Facts and information.
They come to us for facts.
They come to us for information.
They come to us for truth.
Did you just get a fucking penny off the ground?
I mean, how do you know?
I know for a fact you didn't just pick a fucking show me what's in your hands right now.
Come back into the frame.
Come back into the frame.
Drop it.
Is he the other frame?
Can you see what he's about to put in my hands?
Literally a penny.
Holy shit.
Sonny.
What's that?
He's been checking.
He closed it, bro.
Can I tell you guys something?
I don't know.
I'm sure that's the reason.
I don't know.
I don't know if I should say this, but there was a kid that I was in middle school.
Oh, was there?
Did he have cancer too?
Yeah, let me tell you, right?
He walked up to you.
He was like, you saved my life.
Shout out to Ben, yo.
Shouts to Ben.
Yeah, no one's DM me, by the way.
Because they don't like you, dude.
Because they don't fucking like you, dude.
Complaining about goddamn time going on vacations.
This guy's beating fucking cancer every single day.
Okay?
So here's the thing.
There was this kid named Paul, Paul Mira.
Shout out to my boy Paul Mira.
And he was Peruvian.
And there was a kid that we went to middle school with.
His name is Howard.
Yeah.
Okay.
And Howard, Paul, would always put nickels on the table at Subway.
Okay.
He would just put a nickel in the middle of the table and he would just nudge me and he goes, watch.
Howard's going to grab.
Dude, it was so.
And then Howard would just be like this and just be like, hey, man, he's hit.
And then pick it up.
And then pull you.
I told you.
They love it.
They love money.
Okay.
One, love money.
Hate the mess of this fucking CDS.
Miles, out of the comments about the fucking egg stains the hole under Akasha.
So you say you picked up a penny off frame?
Yeah, yeah.
No, you did you picked up a penny nobody.
I didn't come from my shorts too, by the way.
Yeah, no, now it's yours to begin with.
Seriously, we have to talk about some things, okay?
Some serious topics.
Hunter Biden's laptop is back in the news.
Yeah.
Okay.
It's a big deal.
How are we going to talk about that?
This is a big deal.
Okay.
Does anybody know exactly why it's back in the news?
Apparently, the New York Times clarified that the laptop was, in fact, Hunter Biden's actual laptop.
Whoa.
They got left at a Delaware Republican.
Which they did.
Because initially, mainstream media, and this is even right-wing media.
I think Fox also shut it down.
Everybody came down.
They said this is most likely misinformation, maybe Russian misinformation trying to sway the election.
But now it turns out that it was actually real.
Yeah.
And maybe being used to sway the election in Biden's favor by silencing the story.
Yeah.
Whoa.
Yeah.
But I didn't really understand what was on a laptop that was such a big deal.
Just him being the man.
Yeah, I know.
Smoking crack and smoking out thoughts.
Yeah.
Like, why is that?
I think that's a hands down.
Would that tell Biden?
No, but I think it was basically like Biden, Biden was doing what any father would do, which is try to get his fuck up son a job.
Yeah.
Using his influence.
Which I love.
Good for him.
But here's the thing.
If you get caught, you get caught.
Yeah.
And then you got to get punished.
But before you get caught, that's what every single dad would do.
100%.
I'm going to do it.
Y'all are going to do it.
Yeah.
Every single one of them.
That's an Indian way of life.
Nepotism.
Nepotism.
Yeah.
That's what we do.
Yeah.
Is it?
What's so Indian about nepotism?
Veer was talking about it.
Remember, Indians just have like a family business.
That's just what it is.
Yes, He thought that they invented family business.
Oh, the family business.
Like, you know how, you know, but there's literally like sometimes your last name is like merchant, and that's just the family business.
Like, it's that's what you do.
Yeah.
Guys, last name is Doctor.
Indian dude.
An engineer.
No.
That's not an Indian thing.
I never thought about it.
Hold on one second.
Did Dove just jihad this podcast?
I know.
What the fuck just?
He was dumb shelter.
He was looking at me like I was supposed to acknowledge him.
I thought I was like, yeah, you go.
Focus, focus, focus.
Okay, so.
I hate crime right now.
So what do you do is bad?
I guess there were some like business dealings between Ukraine and China and Ukraine or whatever.
And of course, this is going to happen.
They want to get, I don't want to use Curry favor again, but they want to curry favor with the president.
And so they basically are looking after the president's kid.
And you basically get to the president through the president's kid.
But didn't the fucking Clintons do this for years?
Like, didn't they have the Clinton Foundation?
Yeah.
And that's how you would, these other countries would donate money to the Clinton Foundation.
And then that would be funneled back to the Clintons.
And then ideally, you know, you would use that to have some sort of like influence.
I have the president's ear or something like that.
100%.
This is what every politician does.
And I'm sure Republicans do that shit too.
And you get kickbacks.
That's the whole point of being a politician.
You think any of these guys are straight?
George Bush went to Yale.
Not for his grades.
This is what you're supposed to do.
Take care of your kids.
But if you get caught, you should get slapped on the wrist and it shouldn't go away.
But when you're the president, you can make shit go away.
This is power.
He wasn't president yet, technically.
He was vice and he was going to be the president.
But yeah, he has people in places of power.
Like, I do think it's weird that social media specifically, like if a company doesn't want to run the story or whatever, but the fact that Twitter was like, you can't talk about the story for like 14 days or whatever, I do think that's fucked up.
Like it's intentionally suppressing something that you don't know if it's true or not.
Oh, wait a minute.
Is that what they said?
I don't know.
I'm pretty sure.
Yeah.
Twitter, like.
So that you can't talk about the story until after the election?
It was like, it was censored until we can verify if it's true or not.
That's what I understand.
That might be incorrect, but that's the way I understood it.
Which I thought that was fucked up.
But I'm also like, what's on the laptop?
It's so damn it.
Also, what broke motherfucker fixes their laptop?
Yeah, what was the idea?
Buy a laptop, but boy, I spawned for crack.
Maybe.
Yeah, I mean, they're not.
They know they're not, but if he had some like fire home movies on there that he didn't back up into iCloud, he's like, nah, I'm gonna need that.
I mean, this kid is monumentally stupid.
Yeah.
Like, you are monumentally stupid.
Think what you will about Joe Biden now in his day.
That was a bad motherfucker.
He was a piece.
A politician?
Have you seen the picture of him as a kid?
Stud Musk.
Nah, he was hot.
Stop.
I'm about to show you.
Watch this.
Hunter looked great for a crackhead.
Let's be honest.
Like, if people judge in crackhead, there's a crackhead beauty contest, male or female.
Bro, look at this.
Hunter wins.
No, this is Joe.
We're talking about Joe.
Yeah, but I'm saying he got good genes.
Joe Biden's out here looking like Matt Pavich.
This guy's a piece of money.
He's a stud.
Stutt.
Absolute stuck.
Okay, so then what's the big deal?
They suppress this information, help Biden win the election.
Oh, yeah, who gives a fuck?
It's always something with these people.
It's Hillary's emails, Trump and Russia, and the laptop.
I don't give a fuck, man.
I don't think it would be the outcome that much.
You don't think so?
Yeah, I don't think so.
Oh, no, the president's son.
Like, I don't like that they intentionally suppressed information.
I think that's fucked up.
They're censoring shit that you don't know for sure or not.
Like, they're calling misinformation when it wasn't verified to be misinformation.
But, like, I don't think it's that big of a thing now that they're like, oh, whatever.
Like, even Tucker had like a bombshell report.
Remember this?
He was like, we have bombshell information about, you know, Hunter Biden and Joe Biden, blah, blah, blah.
And then it got lost in the mail.
Do you remember this?
He had this whole thing where he's like, it's going to come out.
Like, wait till you guys hear this.
And he's like, turns out it got lost.
Oh, this is like when Madow had Trump's tax returns and they didn't fucking nothing.
Yeah.
It's just like, look at this guy paying.
Like political theater bullshit.
It's like, all right.
Like, is this doing anything or is it just like a pointless story for fodder?
Like, that's why I liked what NPR said.
When the NPR win the story came out, he was an NPR.
But like, when the story came out, they said, we're not going to cover it because it's a pointless distraction.
It's unimportant.
And I was like, at least they're acknowledging, like, yo, this is, we don't think our viewers care about grants.
Yeah, but like, they go, we don't think our viewers care about this.
And in order to pander to our viewership, we're just not going to report on shit that they don't care about.
Israel Blames Leah Thomas for War00:04:11
And now we're telling you.
It was just like very honest.
But that's different than not important.
We don't think that this will get ratings.
Yeah, exactly.
It's not important for our audience.
Yeah, our audience doesn't want to even know these things.
Did they show us that?
It's not important for our audience.
No, but that was the implication.
At least that's the way I read it.
That they're just like, our liberal left-leaning audience doesn't care about this.
So they don't want to know.
But they should care the most because those are going to be the people that are actually voting for this guy.
And to act like that, I mean, right now we're literally in a war, right?
Like Russia and Ukraine are in a war.
And Russia is alleging that there's too much Western influence in Ukraine.
And that's part of the justification for that war.
And now we're seeing Western influence in Ukraine.
So to act like this doesn't play a little bit of a part in it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's the part that I don't understand.
Like his dealings with Ukraine is that influencing what's happening now.
I mean, I don't know.
This is what I keep reading.
And people are saying, oh, yeah, Zelensky's a Western puppet, this, that, the other.
And it's like, okay, well, then who made sure Zelensky's in there?
I mean, who was in charge or who was in office during that time?
Was it all this connection?
Jim Biden.
So like this connection is the first seed.
Because this in and of itself doesn't mean you're going to treat Ukraine differently.
But it's like the first sign that maybe there's a bunch of things we're doing with Ukraine later.
Maybe we have a little bit more influence in there than we would like to believe.
Maybe they're not a completely autonomous nation.
Maybe they're not making up all their making all their decisions by themselves.
Maybe they're being influenced by us and maybe they're I love that we're influencing them.
Yes.
I think that's great.
Okay.
What is this idea that they need to be autonomous?
Yo, we the fucking United States of America, bro.
This is an empire.
We run shit.
Well, shit runs through us unless you're Saudi Arabia and you need to get your ass taken care of as well.
Well, if that's true.
Savages.
If that's true.
You've seen the way they treat women over there.
If that's an intro.
Yeah, they're not civilized like us.
If that's true, then we would have to do something to Saudi Arabia?
No.
So if the United States is the one that propped up Zelensky, if we were the one controlling their, I don't know, controlling, but influencing their government, and all of a sudden they're at war with Russia because of policies that we want to place in the Ukraine.
Well, shouldn't we have their back?
No.
Shouldn't we?
What is this?
Depends on how much influence.
If we literally place the president there?
I mean, that's the thing.
Did we place him there?
Is he following every single thing we say?
Like, we don't know how much influence we do have.
Right.
And yeah.
Yeah.
They got to be part of NATO, bro.
That's just, it is what it is.
What's NATO?
Allies.
It's not going to happen.
Sweden's not even in NATO.
Nobody knows what any of these things are.
Sweden mad pussy.
They don't need to be part of NATO.
Fuck Sweden.
Hey, hey, hey, fuck.
I'm not even...
Look, I don't know nothing, but I'll tell you this.
I know this much.
It's us against China at some point in the near future.
We're all playing that game until we get it.
He's from India, yo.
Sweden could get it too.
He's from India, yo.
Choose up.
India better choose up, too.
India chose Russia.
Choose up.
They got to motherfucking.
Figure it out, India.
Figure it out.
No, no, no.
Tell them.
Yo, figure it out.
Figure it out.
USA.
USA, USA.
What's all I'm talking about?
The fucking Russian favoritism.
Fuck that shit.
Yeah.
We need their oil for what?
We drive motherfucking rickshaws everywhere.
Hell yeah.
Israel, too.
Oh, yeah.
Zelensky hit up Israel.
They're like, yeah, they got to work with the weapon.
Yeah, At least you guys don't really do that much for India.
Israel, y'all only hear too much.
Evan Shapiro found a way to blame it on Obama.
Wait, what?
This guy's unbelievable.
That's impressive.
This guy is unbelievable.
Well, the reason why.
It's Leah Thomas's fault.
Israel.
Tomorrow will be a reason why it's Leah Thomas' fault.
But he's like, oh, the reason why Israel has to keep diplomatic relations with Russia and the Ukraine is because of the Obama's failings in Syria and handing over Syria to Iran and Russia.
So Iran and Russia are in Israel's backyard.
So if they don't, so if they don't appease both of them, then it could be horrible for Israel.
So really, it's Obama's fault.
Oh, my God.
It is.
Second?
It is.
The point makes it.
It's Obama's fault?
WNBA Players Get Less Attention00:09:09
Hell yeah.
I mean, there you go.
Half a million Syrians.
Hey, half a million.
Hey, boy.
Hey, we're killing him.
Hey, bro.
Whose fault is it that y'all are in Israel?
Half a million.
Whose fault is that?
We were there.
Hey, y'all got a country.
UK.
You know what it is?
UK.
Wow.
Yo, they really believe that.
Wow.
UK swung that dick.
Balfour Declaration.
Yeah, Balfour Declaration.
The United States said, nah, fuck that.
You think it would have happened?
Obama's good at basketball.
Okay, he doesn't do anything wrong.
Just saying.
He could dunk.
Yeah, can you dunk?
Why is Bashar Al-Assad still alive, guys?
Name one Jew who could dunk.
Omri Caspi.
Omri Caspi can't dunk.
He's Iranian.
That motherfucker can't dunk.
Israeli.
He's a three-point shooter.
He could dunk.
He could dunk.
Okay, back to the point.
Okay, go.
Two Jews who could dunk.
All right, guys, we're going to take a break for a second.
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All like this Russian misinformation shit.
Yeah.
No one knows what's going on.
Yeah.
I'm just going to rifle through random things.
Oh, we can dictate whether it's really like we see through things very well.
Yeah, just the fastest hot take.
No spitting zone.
I think so far you know absolutely nothing about this.
Who?
Everyone in this room?
About one.
I'm the number one geopolitical journalist on the planet.
Yeah.
And I have good hunches.
Yes.
Okay, so go.
Okay, so basically Zelensky's saying, yo, if Russia doesn't cozy up on these peace deals, it's going to be World War III.
Zelensky thinks that more people care about Ukraine than do.
Yes, that's propaganda.
Okay.
You know what?
Hey, that's pretty Jewish of him to really exaggerate what's going on.
Oh, guys, World War III is coming.
Okay.
All right.
There's a comedy show in a bomb shelter in Ukraine, apparently.
No, that is real.
Brooklyn.
That is.
That's misinformation.
That was in Brooklyn.
That is a very popular show underneath a, I don't know, some sort of fucking vegan laundromat.
And vegan laundromete in Williamsburg.
And yeah, and that's where that show is.
So that's not actually.
No, that's just the show where all the comics bomb.
That's what you're thinking of.
I think I actually believe there is a bomb shelter show because comics are parasites who will start a show wherever the fuck they possibly can.
So funny to see like the Twitter fucking hot takes on this.
Hey, comedians, do you really think you have it hard in America?
Hey, comedians, this is what it's like to have it hard.
You think you got it hard over here?
This is really what it is.
Is that your hot take?
That's also hard.
Is that your hot take that it's harder to be at war?
It's also wrong.
That's the easiest audience you'll ever get.
I mean, these guys are dying for something.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're killing in that place.
100%.
Now, people are also alleging that Zelensky gave a, like, made a video instead of being in front of like the building that he was allegedly in in Kyiv, he was in front of a green screen.
I hope.
I hope if he was smart, he would.
Yeah, get a green screen, dude.
Do it all in front of green screen.
Yeah.
Do you think they film the Avengers on the moon?
Right?
They find a bigger thing.
Do they film the moon landing on the moon?
Like, who knows?
Exactly.
Now you're thinking, okay, we just had to beat the Russians there.
Okay.
Because we could drown them in debt.
Yeah.
That's what it's really about.
Get them to outspend themselves.
Why don't we just do that again?
It always works.
Why don't we just do another moon race?
Ooh.
Like, that worked the first time, Cold War 1.0.
Kicked that off.
So it's like, let's just do another dumb competition where we go at each other and then just try to drain them of money.
Should be a good idea.
That is a great idea.
Let's call it Syria.
Should we call it that?
Proxy war.
Yeah, proxy war.
Let's do a proxy war.
100%.
Yeah, if they're draining them of resources.
Isn't it funny that we call wars with white people war?
And then when it's brown people, it's called a proxy war.
It's a conflict.
It's war real quick when it's white people.
Oh, yeah.
That's a great point.
Yeah.
Welcome.
Okay, Zelensky asking Israel for weapons.
Yeah.
He just goes, yo, why aren't you guys giving us weapons?
Yeah, do it.
Good.
Yeah, that's play the game, bro.
Israel's probably not giving it to them because they're probably like, well, we don't need to give you a gift because we did nice things for you before.
And that's all that really matters.
I don't think we need to give you a gift now.
Yo, wouldn't you, if you were Israel, do this?
If you were Israel, you would say the same thing to the United States.
You'd be like, yo, we're getting invaded.
Yeah.
We need your help.
And the U.S. would be like, all right, we got you.
So he's getting invaded.
He got to reach out to people for help.
100%.
But doesn't America give Israel all those weapons?
Yeah.
So why don't they just go straight to the source and just be like, no, they co-develop them.
It's more like a partnership.
Yeah.
But why don't they just go straight to him and just be like, yo, America, give us the weapons you were going to give Israel.
Just skip the middleman.
Because we can't be giving them weapons.
Yeah.
Because then that's war.
Proxy weapons.
Exactly.
He's got to bring brown people in.
Yeah.
Weapons got to come from someone else.
How fucked up is that?
All these people are saying that the Russian astronauts came down supporting Ukraine.
Yes.
And that they're in their like yellow and blue in solidarity with like the Ukraine.
Yes, this is true.
I truly believe I truly believe that the Russian astronauts planned to make their own outfits.
They did it on their own.
And they had their own outfits made in Ukrainian colors.
They had the Ukrainian Betsy Ross come over and come and they sewed the whole outfits and they did this unbeknownst to the Russian government that supports everything.
And that made sure that they would have everything they possibly need to be in space.
There's no way that they ever wore these outfits before.
Never.
This 100% has to be them pushing back against Russia and them actually supporting Ukraine.
That's a real story.
Am I right?
Yeah, I think that's correct.
100%, right?
Okay, good.
Apparently, they actually did call off a Russian-American Mars mission.
Like, apparently, there's like a $1 billion Mars mission with Russia.
Or it's the European Space Agency that suspended it.
Because they were like, oh, yeah, we don't know if we can necessarily do diplomatic, like science-related work.
That's so weird, though, because they share the space station.
Yep.
Yeah.
So it's like, which actually must be malware.
International, though.
Multinational.
Yeah, but now it's like international space station.
But now it's like they're both up there and be like, yo, fuck yes.
That shit's like awkward, right?
It's like you wake up, you're like, shit, man, they're in outer space.
What do they care?
Yeah, scientists are all nerds.
Scientists think like science matters more than anything else.
Like, we're above all this or whatever.
Like, nah, fam.
Yeah, when you told me they canceled that space mission, all I thought of you to save billions of dollars.
That's great.
Yo, apparently, though, Russia brought back an American.
Oh, really?
There was an American on the space station that needed a ride back.
And the only ride back was the same ship that I think brought up those Russians.
Jenny Griner's not an alien.
Yo, she's still there.
That's so crazy.
She's still there.
She needs to start swimming.
She needs to say that she is a professional swimmer.
She'd be a good swimmer, probably.
She absolutely would.
The length.
There might be one thing holding her back, but besides that, she'd be an absolutely great swimmer.
She would be.
What?
What?
You're thinking clit, dude.
That's fucked up.
That's super fucked up.
That's not what I'm thinking at all.
My point is, my point is, is that if she was a swimmer instead of a WNBA player, she would be getting so much more attention, and we probably have her back right now.
It would be at least national news story.
It might be international news story.
But right now, nobody gives a fuck because it's a WNBA player.
Fucked up, dude.
We kind of look weak that we're not doing that on for a round.
Right, though?
Yeah.
We look pussy.
Yeah, we look really pussy.
Nah, we need to step it up.
We got a trade her for someone.
For what?
First round drag pick in 2028.
Who are we giving back?
Yeah.
It could be anyone.
I don't know who it is.
Alex Ovechkin.
Tom Brady Knows Who He Is00:14:35
Yeah.
Oh, we should lock him up.
Lock him up.
I've had enough of this guy.
Roman Abramovich.
Do we have him?
No, he's in France.
No, he's not.
Oh, he's in France?
Yeah, I think so.
He's gotten Israel.
So France is just where you go when you've broken the law.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Is that it?
Like, you fuck a kid, you just go to France.
Yeah.
Isn't that what Roman Polanski is?
Literally.
Oh, that's who I thought you were talking about.
Hey, what that guy's so fucking weirdo, man.
What?
He fucked this kid.
Now he's in France.
Everybody still supports him.
And isn't it kind of weird?
He's gone when that Sharon Tate gets murdered at his house.
I didn't know.
Is that the same Roman Polanski?
It's the same Roman Polanski, right?
Somehow, this guy.
Yo, this guy's a little weirdo.
What a bozo this guy is.
Like, being a pedophile.
I want to see him.
He's an odd duck.
I want to see anyone doing it.
He's an odd duck.
Why don't you take a sad?
He still makes movies.
There's something fucked with this guy.
You're shenanigans with these kids.
Hollywood.
That's just the Hollywood bullshit.
I don't think it's a coincidence that he's gone when the most gruesome murder happened, maybe.
He's a goof.
He's a goofus.
Just did one of all these kids.
Ugh.
But he made the pianist.
Slaps.
He made the pianist?
Yeah.
I wish I knew before I saw that movie.
Yeah.
Okay.
Well, thank you.
I wish that girl didn't see his pianist when she was 13 years old.
They were clearing up all the geopolitical issues that are happening in the world.
Yeah, I got you.
This is what we're here for.
We need to make the world a little bit more digestible.
There's one other geopolitical issue I want to bring up.
Jake offered $60 million for Kanye and Pete to box.
Bargain.
But the problem is, Kanye don't need the money.
Kanye's too flush.
Dude got billions.
You don't need that little $30 million.
That's true.
Like, you just can't convince.
I mean, it's genius because it's like Jake has found a way to continue, like, be part of the conversation.
Yeah.
It's brilliant.
But yeah, you can't convince Kanye to do it with money.
It's got to be something else.
Like, Pete got disrespect him so much that he just wants to fight it out and then make a spectacle out of it.
Yeah.
But Kanye ain't doing that for $30 million.
I mean, after the last text message threat, that's enough to want to fight somebody.
You think?
Yeah.
Where you at?
I'm in bed with your wife, son.
Yeah, but then he said, come to Sunday Sunday.
He asked him a question.
I don't understand what he's talking about.
I'm just saying.
That's enough.
That's enough to fight somebody.
Well, you got to geotag him.
That's too much.
He just answered simply.
I feel you.
And honestly.
Okay, what else we got?
Okay.
I mean, we can get into some really serious things.
Yep.
So there's just this video that got passed around where basically, here, I got to pull it up one second.
Basically, a Tesla rented Tesla.
Oh, this is fire.
Jumps the, where is it?
Echo Park, gets fully airborne and then crashes no.
It's two other cars.
Yeah.
I mean, insane.
Here.
I'll pull it up right here.
We're going to watch it.
It was nuts.
Oh, shit.
I mean, that's fire.
I mean, insane.
That's fire.
Hits two other cars and then the car leaves.
I don't know how they got it out of there, but they didn't catch the dudes that did it.
But they just flee it, I guess.
How do they not catch the when somebody brings back a Tesla rental car with massive damage on it?
Yeah.
And the undercarriage has been on fire.
I mean, totals.
Like the whole front of the car is like destroyed.
Yeah.
But there's nothing in the front, right?
Yeah.
It's empty.
I mean, that's the beauty.
I mean, is this an ad for Tesla?
Oh, absolutely.
Yeah.
Low-key, you think Elon just like.
I mean, he should retweet it.
I mean, it's way too, I don't know, like, random of a thing, I feel like, to be calculated.
But, like, everything looks good about it.
Like, yo, the acceleration is good enough that you can fly.
Yeah.
It's fucking Duke's a hazard.
Yeah.
The safety is good enough that you can drive away and be fine.
No one left the hospital.
It shows all the airbags on the next picture.
Yeah.
Like, it drove off afterwards.
They must have tested it first.
What do you mean?
Like, they knew that this was going to happen.
There was a video that went viral before it.
That's why I'm like suspicious.
Yeah.
Because there was another Tesla video.
I think you sent it in the group chat where it's like a dude in a, what's the bigger Tesla?
The X.
Yeah, the X that jumps it and just gets like two feet of air, but then lands fine.
Same place?
Same, same jump.
It's a very heavy car.
Yeah.
Yeah, exactly.
But I'm like, the thought is that everyone's watching it and they see like this big SUV jumping.
And then these guys just randomly are like, oh, let's replicate it, get a rental, blah, blah, blah.
But I'm like, it's just such a perfect thing.
Yeah.
Goes insanely viral.
Yeah.
And no one knows who did it.
No one knows where it came from.
That's the thing.
How does no one know who did it?
Like, you have to give all your information.
Yeah, I'm telling you.
Yeah.
They should know it instantly.
That's right.
There's going to be a Tesla rental.
You guys have destroyed Tesla.
And they can just be like, yeah, it was this guy.
Yeah.
That's what I said 90 seconds ago.
Say, yeah.
That's what I said 90 seconds ago.
So why don't you correct him?
Why are you waiting for me to correct it?
I just said the same thing he said fucking 10 seconds.
I said it better.
Why are you upset that I repeated you not him?
You repeat me.
You acting like it was brand new information.
No, I said, yeah.
I repeat him.
Why couldn't you say it more impactful?
He's mad.
You're getting a credible.
You should have said that shit more impactful.
You can meet me.
A little fucking meek explanation.
A little corny ass explanation.
Al said that shit with his chest.
Yeah.
So what do you think?
The only thing, if it was like maybe a Toro situation where you're renting someone's actual car.
It feels like that.
It's still connected to someone.
But you would never.
You still find out and you still got to give all your insurance.
Yeah.
You're still fucked.
Wouldn't you have to get it?
To give all your insurance?
Yeah.
That's a great point.
Yeah, yeah.
You'd still find out because you have to give the insurance.
How would you find out, though?
Because the insurance.
You have to give it.
Yeah.
Wait, You got to give your insurance and you're going to have to do it.
You got to give your insurance.
I did not know that.
All right, guys, we're going to take a break for a second because I got to make sure your dicks get hard and you can't just sit at home staring at me all day.
So you're going to have to do something yourself.
I might share and stone you right there.
Did you see that shit?
Watch out.
Some fucking labia popped.
I had labia.
You don't have testicular labia, Mark.
Yeah, don't tell me what I have or what I don't have.
That's what that pain is.
It's a labia.
It is.
I got a lot of shit down there.
I got varicosity and I got shit to get you bricked.
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What?
Saliva everywhere.
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What are you talking about?
You've never seen that?
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For 60 seconds.
It's pure pleasure.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, it's just like she got hit with Viking.
Okay, that sounds bad.
Well, just think of the alpaca that doesn't have control of the lower jaw.
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Come pulling up in the belly.
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What?
I'm comatose, yo.
Real talk.
For 60 seconds, mind you.
Not really comatose.
They're not really passed out.
They're aware of everything.
They just got to gather themselves after the euphoric feeling.
There's so much euphoria.
I got to figure out what just happened.
Pussy blistered.
Yeah.
All right.
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All right, that's it.
Can we get back to the show?
Yes, thank you.
All right.
If we must.
Yeah, let's get back to the show.
Okay, what else we got?
My boy is.
Vitalik, the guy that created Ethereum.
Oh, yeah.
Got posted on the front of Times.
I'm going to fucking need some carbs, bro.
That got too skinny.
He looked like the pianist, actually.
She's being honest.
Real talk.
Oh, machinist-ass looking ass man.
Posted on the cover of Tim here.
I'll pull up the actual cover.
But basically, everyone just started trolling him, calling him Tom Brady.
How is that trolling him?
That's the biggest compliment he's ever gotten in his life.
Well, it's not just Tom Brady.
They're like, you look like Tom Brady with AIDS.
Tom Brady with Zika, maybe.
I mean, low-key.
He does look like Tom Brady with AIDS.
He looks like Zika Tom Brady.
Yo, son.
Yo, this is crazy.
This is crazy, dude.
But like, people were trolling him heavy.
And they were just like, you look like Tom Brady on dialysis, like, going off.
Oh, my God, bro.
He does look like Tom Brady with AIDS.
Philadelphia.
Yeah.
And then this is like all like the tweets.
Like, I've never seen someone deserving of being shoved in a locker.
Like, cloned Tom Brady, locked him in his basement, all this shit.
If Tom Brady was on dog food, is it possible to be this rich and still be this ugly, get a transplant or a wardrobe?
That is mean.
That is cruel.
He screenshots all these and then shares them and says, the quote tweets on the new Time article about me are truly amazing.
These are barely even cherry-picked.
It's pretty much one piece of awesome content after another.
Highly recommend scrolling.
And then he goes on to say, I don't even know who Tom Brady is.
Oh, shut up.
I had to ask people around me.
My best guess is that he was an actor from Mission Impossible.
He thought it was Tom Cruise.
Oh, shut up.
This is him trying to get on top.
Like, that shit killed him.
He's not from America.
Bless you.
Thank you.
This is him trying to like.
This is him doing, what is that, owning it?
You know who Tom Brady?
Who?
Like, is it?
He knows who the fuck it is.
He tried to own everybody making fun of him by retweeting it, but then his ego still wouldn't allow it to happen.
So he goes, well, I don't even know who Tom Brady is.
Motherfucker, you know who Tom Brady is.
Yeah, yeah.
You know exactly who Tom Brady is.
Like, get the fuck out.
But then Tom Brady responded and said, what's up, Vitalik?
You may not know me, but just want to say I'm a big fan of yours.
Thank you for everything you've built for me.
Tom Brady's the goat, dude.
All the rest of the world.
Tom Brady's the fucking goat.
Autograph his crypto NFT company wouldn't have been possible.
Hope I get to meet you someday.
You're the goat.
Wow.
He's so smart, dude.
High praise.
What's the best way to play that if you're Tom Brady and you're already the alpha of the situation?
Yep.
Just be humble.
Yeah.
No, even if he's fake humble.
He's doing it to make money.
He goes, yo, thank you so much, Vitalik, on these viral stories.
There's humility.
Yeah, yeah, but there's humility.
He went to dollars.
It's a humble way, of course.
And then goes, yo, also, check out autograph.
If I'm Vitalik, I repost every single one of them and I just do crying emojis.
That's it.
You don't have to do any more.
I don't even know who Tom Brady is.
Or just be like, oh my God, I look like Tom Brady.
That's it.
Done.
He might not actually.
Even if you didn't know, you don't say it.
You know who Tom Brady is.
Yeah, like he's caught in this bubble where he's like the, and everybody in that bubble is going, oh my God, you're a genius.
You created this like, you know, world-changing technology.
You are truly the chosen one of crypto.
And he's doing this Time magazine thing where he gets to feel like he is.
And finally, he's going to get all this mainstream love and support.
He's not going to be this little weirdo that does get shoved into lockers.
Not going to be this weirdo that's going to be ignored by women constantly.
He's not going to be this little weirdo.
And then the internet was like, you're a weirdo.
Football is just so American.
He lives in America.
Yeah, I know now.
How long you need to live in America to not know about Tom Brady?
He got the Peter Thiel grant.
That's what he used it for to build Ethereum.
Yeah.
I didn't know he actually losed in America.
I just know he's a Russian dip.
He's here and he ain't in Russia.
That's a fact.
But who's like the biggest cricket player?
It's like, I don't know.
If people said I look like the biggest ricket player, we don't need to know.
It's the third world.
They have to know about us.
We don't have to know about them.
I'm being serious.
They play it in England for a while.
Everyone knows who LeBron James is.
Everyone knows who's Tom Brown.
I think basketball is bigger than football globally.
Tom Brady is bigger than football.
That's probably true.
Like, this guy exists on the internet.
We know who Ronaldo is.
Yeah, I mean, soccer is a global sport.
Is it?
Not here, though.
Not here.
But it's bigger here than I think football is in fucking this.
This is the globe.
All right.
What are you talking about?
Everything else is like, yeah.
But like islands.
I don't expect him to know Tom Brady in Russia.
Say again.
I don't expect them to know Tom Brady in Russia.
They know Tom Brady in Russia.
They know Tom Brady in Russia.
I guarantee he's on advertisements in Russia.
Yeah, but if you're a dude that's creating literally crypto, Mark, you're on Reddit.
He already lives here.
I don't know if he does.
He lives here.
He lives here.
Where?
He lives in Miami.
He lives in Miami or Silicon Valley.
Yeah.
San Fran.
100%.
That's where he got that.
Absolutely.
Okay.
No, he lives in Toronto.
Say again?
He lives in Toronto.
Then he knows who Tom Brady is.
I don't know.
I don't know.
God.
Even if he doesn't, he then finds out that he didn't know who he was.
And he goes, oh, this is the greatest football player ever.
That's my point.
He doesn't have to say it.
Exactly.
But he said it because his ego is hurt.
That's probably true.
Because he knows deep down that he's a nerd, but he's insulated with all these compliments, so he stops thinking he is one.
And all these bitches are around and they're like, oh my God, we love you.
We love crypto because you're a billionaire.
Drake Accused of Fake Massages00:08:46
No.
This is what it is.
You're AIDS, Tom Brady.
You're AIDS.
You look like AIDS.
He does.
Okay.
But he can fix that.
He can eat.
And he's choosing not to do it.
And that's what bothers me.
Bezos glowed up, and so did Elon.
Yeah.
And it's not even glow up.
Do you like pasta?
Enjoy it.
I'm trying to glow down.
Okay.
I've done glowed up too much.
You look good on the shirt.
With the shirt?
Yeah, you look fire.
All I'm saying is, this kid, all he has to do is drink Diet Coke.
Drink Coke.
Have a Slurpee.
Have ice cream.
Literally enjoy life.
All he has to do is enjoy life, and he'll look like fucking Tom Brady.
He'll look like one of the greatest white men in history.
I agree with that.
He's a milkshake away from looking like one of the greatest white men in history.
I agree with that.
What the fuck is he doing?
Real talk.
Get on TB12, the avocado ice cream.
Do whatever the fuck you got to do.
Come on, bro.
Tom Brady, greatest white man ever.
Ever?
Ever.
Okay.
Yeah.
Jesus White?
No.
Nah, he's not.
Okay.
Okay.
I don't know.
Name a better white guy.
Name one.
George Washington.
No.
No, he owns slaves.
On slaves.
Tom Brady's probably better.
You don't know that.
It's probably his bitch wife not wanting to do nothing.
Jeez.
Okay, but he still had it happen.
That's why he's wife.
Abraham Lincoln.
Who's showing more black people with a promised land?
Tom Brady or Abraham Lincoln?
I'd say Tom Brady.
Abraham Lincoln.
Abraham got taken out, son.
Like, it's corny.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Tom Brady's interesting.
Tom Brady's still got some time, though.
Jeez.
Okay.
Technically speaking.
You're right, you're right.
Speaking technically, okay.
Yeah, I think Abraham Lincoln.
Speaking of sports, do we want to get into Deshaun Watson trade?
Yeah, break this down, Akash.
So Deshaun Watson got accused of basically rape by 21 women.
Not rape.
So what he would do is he would hit up masseuse's and ask for massages.
Accused of.
I said accused of.
Yeah, I know.
He didn't allegedly get accused.
Yeah, he got accused of.
I got it.
But clarify rape.
Like asking a masseuse to finish you off.
But he would set it up like you at the spot, bro.
No, no, no.
Hold on.
He would set it up as if it's a legit massage.
He wouldn't go to a rub and tug spot.
Then he would.
There's legit.
I mean, there's legit massages.
But yeah.
Come on.
You don't think they're an offer away?
Son.
Any massage?
Any massage?
No.
Eddie Massage.
Get into the business.
You know what it is.
Any massage is a rubber job.
If you become a physical therapist, we get a massage like that.
Physical therapist is different.
If you only do massage, one of the accusations is he took the girl's head and made it like a thing thing.
He took the girl's head and did what?
And forced it down to his massaged it.
Forced it down.
I got you.
I got you.
You know what I'm saying?
That's crazy.
Yeah.
So there's accusations that it's like rappé.
Yeah.
And he was acquitted on criminal charges, but still 21 accusations is a lot.
It's a lot of accusations.
And the NFL is trying to act like they give a fuck about PR and good citizens on our teams and whatever.
Houston said he's not going to play for us, which is his original team.
So they said, we'll trade him.
And then the Cleveland Browns, who have a quarterback who's not good, but he's not bad.
They said, we'll give you a shitload of draft picks and we will give Deshaun Watson the biggest guaranteed contract in NFL history, five years, $230 million.
And the NFL contracts aren't fully guaranteed, hardly ever.
His contract is fully guaranteed.
Wow.
And it is the second biggest contract in history, second to Patrick Mahomes.
And they gave him all his money guaranteed.
So his guarantee bigger than Mahomes, bigger than Rogers, bigger than Brady's ever.
I have an inside source that told me that he actually asked for the trade.
Deshaun?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, no, he did ask for the trade.
He asked for the trade before all the accusations.
And some people think Houston Texans or the Texans organization had like spies and then they had spies on him and then they had all these accusations.
They're like, drop that shit now.
And he didn't play all last year.
See, what I was told is that he asked for it because he ran out of massage parlors in Houston.
Oh, okay.
That's what my inside source said.
So he's like, I got to go to a different town.
So when you say inside source, like they came inside the palm of his hand.
100%.
100%.
So he, and I think he's going to Cleveland.
Okay.
Right?
Yeah.
He's going to Cleveland.
Yeah.
So, I mean, you're a massage therapist in Cleveland, right?
Like, you don't want to make an extra $100?
He's probably needed.
Do you think people in Cleveland are doing that bad?
I think massage therapists in Cleveland will jerk off a quarterback for an extra $100.
Now, if we want to have a different conversation, shouldn't massages just end like that?
Look, here's the thing.
If we're just going to be completely honest.
Like, are you relaxing or are you relaxing?
What that mouth boost.
No, stop.
What we doing out there?
Right?
Like, why are you assuming there's all women massages?
Say again?
Why are you assuming it's all women massages?
I was doing two men can't do that.
Cool up that jaw.
Hey, there's no heteronormative thinking.
It's all good.
Because what's his pulp fiction?
What's my man's name from pulp fiction?
Bing Rames?
Nah, the white guy.
Travolta?
Travolta used to get his dick suck from every single masseuse.
He got damn near ran out of Hollywood from trying to get his dick sucked.
Male and female?
No, male only.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, really?
That's the best massage.
What is that?
A male massage.
Why is that?
Because they're the strongest?
Yeah.
I don't like strength with my massage.
I like dick suck.
Sounds like you just wear your dicks up.
Yeah.
Like, let's jump to it.
It is the most relaxing thing.
You want to relax me up?
John.
But how long is that going to take, though?
Say again.
How long is that going to take?
Honestly, it depends on the skill of the masseuse.
That's a fact.
That's my point, though.
If you're paying by the hour and all of a sudden it's on, you know, hour 10.
I'm not paying by the hour.
I'm paying by the massage.
My point.
You do a 50-minute massage, and then she's like, all right, you got 10 minutes.
There we go.
You got to go pick up your kid, or son.
You got to pick up a couple masses.
You just took a look.
But for real, like, if you got somewhere to be, we can make this go quick.
If you want to stretch it out, I'm cool with that too.
That sounds very reasonable.
Like, I don't know.
I don't believe that you could just go within 10.
Say again?
I don't know if you could just get it off in 10 minutes.
I can get it off in three minutes, two minutes.
I think it's a point of pride for him how quickly he comes.
Yeah, I can come so fucking fast from a professional know how to lather that shit up.
Hell yeah.
A lot of foreplay involved.
You know what I mean?
Rubbing you down, getting it all nice and hard.
Yo, I don't even need that.
Zip, pull it out.
Gluck.
Like, that's it.
We out of here.
Like, I don't even need to go on the fucking massage table.
Leave that shit for your next guest.
You're a great massage client.
Like, you don't even need the full hour.
Sam.
You'll pay for the full hour.
You're paying for the nut.
Yeah, exactly.
How long do you want me to take?
Now, here's the thing: some of these massage therapists, they like to suck a dude's dick.
They love it.
Okay.
So I'm taking away their time.
What do you mean?
And they're like, yo, tell me when you're about to nut.
So I stop so that I could do it longer so I could suck on your dick for longer.
You know what I mean?
That's their favorite part of their day.
They just got to edge you for a whole hour.
Hell yeah.
Yeah, I don't know.
Yeah, that's facts.
Yeah, I don't know.
This is absolutely horrible.
Here's my feeling.
These NFL teams do crazy research, right?
Yeah, they're willing to overlook a lot if you're good and he's good.
100%.
They are willing to overlook.
Do we feel like they'd be willing to overlook?
Well, I guess the Steelers.
I talked to Ben.
I was talking to one guy who used to be in the league, not anymore, but he was like, he did that shit.
Really?
Yeah.
Damn what?
He did.
Whatever he's accused of, he did that shit.
And he was like, now he, again, he's not like close to him or whatever, but he's like, you don't.
He sounded kind of Republican about the shit.
He's like, you don't get that many accusations and not do this shit.
Where there's smoke, there's fire.
Yeah.
I guess when I'm, there's no doubt in my mind that he's asked girls to finish him off after a massage.
Yeah.
There's no doubt in my mind.
The question is: is that abnormal?
And for the profession, I knew a girl that was a masseuse, and then literal clients would offer all the time.
Rappers Wear Expensive Watches00:12:26
And she was just like, no, I don't do that.
It's not like that kind of massage.
So, like, I think that this is a quite normal thing, no?
Yeah.
Asking, I think, is normal.
Grabbing a girl's fucking head is disgusting.
Yeah.
Put him in jail.
Yeah.
Right?
But asking?
Asking, no.
Hey, listen, you're allowed to ask.
Yeah.
For things in life.
Taking the wrist delicately.
No, no, no.
Placing it on your pocket.
I think once it becomes physical in my life.
Taking the wrist delicately.
Not any laugh with the wrist.
A delicate, a pickup like that.
Like you're going to pick up a piece of Nigiri.
No, what?
Like that.
No, no.
What?
You go like this and then just pull up.
Get that wasabi out.
Yeah.
No, you think that's crazy?
I think you got to ask before the massage starts.
But that's not how the game works, fam.
Do you think her massaging you turns her on?
And she's like, oh, I got to suck his nigga out.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
Especially when I'm all bricky.
Okay, fair enough.
Fair enough.
Yeah, you boys pitching.
You know what I mean?
That towel starts to pop up.
You know what time it is?
Ooh, I make ghost sounds.
I'll be like, woo!
Like, what's that?
It's the ghost.
Look under the sheets.
The ghost of Keeve.
It's about to be an explosion.
Okay, can we talk about Kanye getting kicked off the Grammys and off Instagram back to back?
That Grammy shit is so stupid.
So stupid, dude.
We're going to kick the musician out of the Grammys in favor of the comedian.
That's not real.
But what's the point of award shows anymore?
Like, I thought the award shows, it was twofold.
It was like one, like validating these artists, but the other was like exposing them.
So, you know, you win best picture or something like that.
Maybe best picture isn't the big action movie everybody knows about.
How did you switch the topics?
I'm saying Grammys, Oscars don't matter.
Like, do we need any of them?
Like, even Grammy's like, the person that wins best album, maybe was Beck back in the day.
And then maybe there's a lot of like casuals who, I don't know who the fuck Beck is, but I got to check out his music.
He just won best Grammy, whatever, or best artist.
So I'm just like, now that we have the internet, we know everything.
Everything's easily accessible.
We have all these playlists and all this other shit where songs are popping up.
Like, do we really need these fucking shows anymore?
It's almost like a, you know, the talent shows or the festivals for comedy.
We don't need a new faces anymore.
The internet is new faces.
Are the old school, like old power brokers or whatever, just clinging on to whatever relevance they think they have left.
And they don't.
That's why they still have a Grammy.
So like establishment artists who were famous from 1998 on can feel like, oh, we're still, look how relevant we still are.
Nobody cares.
Ratings are slipping every year.
Nobody gives a fuck.
You're not relevant anymore.
None of this is relevant, but it's a nice formality that makes them feel important again.
I get to walk a red carpet and pretend I care about poor people while they're fucking behind fences.
You know what I mean?
This is like a, it's an all-dog and pony show for them.
And they're going to cling on to it because they love that.
Yes.
They love that.
And to be honest, Kanye probably loves that.
Yeah.
And it's probably kill him that he's not there.
Ooh.
Do you think he changes his behavior because of that?
No.
Nothing will change his behavior.
I mean, this is just generating more interest.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I think Grammys did this.
So people, tune in.
You are going to be interested in Trevor Noah's monologue for the first time.
Oh, fuck.
Trevor Noah's hosting.
That's why Kanye's left off.
Yeah.
Oh, no.
Yeah.
That's what I'm saying.
Trevor don't understand ratings.
Dumbass.
In his defense, he did say, oh, I didn't want him canceled.
Cap.
I mean, Cap, you could have made sure it didn't happen.
You're hosting the fucking thing.
Cap.
He got to say that.
I don't know how much leverage the host has.
No, but if he's publicly like that.
In his defense, I'm sure the host has some leverage.
Yeah.
Hey, I don't, because if I'm him, I want the highest rate of Grammys ever.
And the guarantee for highest rated Grammys in the last few years, obviously before the streaming times, it doesn't count.
But like, the highest rated Grammys in the last few is if Kanye is sitting in the front row and Trevor gets to roast Kanye.
Yeah.
I would watch that.
And if Kanye doesn't show up, he's pussy.
He's pussy.
Then you prove all this shit right.
Oh, you act like you're going to fight this guy, that guy.
We could have been within 10 feet of each other.
And then Kanye wins, and then he gets to roast back.
Yeah.
Bro, this is a no-brainer.
These people don't understand it.
But then the Grammys are like, oh, are we platforming someone that's a domestic person?
Shut up.
Yes, they are.
They're the same people that gave Michael Jackson, R. Kelly, every one of these motherfuckers, Grammys, non-stop.
Every rapper talking about killing this person, that person, the fucking Dixie chicks talking about murdering people every single fucking album.
Yes, you're them.
Dixie chicks?
Yeah, Dixie Chicks been murdering people in their albums.
How many bodies they got?
They got bodies.
These bitches got bodies, bro.
I didn't know that.
100%.
All these female country music.
They got mad teardrops.
100%.
It's just the chicks now.
No, it's just the chicks.
All I'm trying to say is, like, stop acting like you give a flying fuck.
You just get out of here.
Stop it.
Cut the crap.
Cut the crap.
And Trevor Noah should have fought for Kanye to be there and just lit his ass up.
When is the Grammys?
Do you know?
No clue.
I think they pull a move where it's like, oh, nah, come back.
Record last minute.
And Kanye already has this crazy performance already planned out.
Ooh, spectacles.
Oh, they got to crash the Grammys.
Because he's nominated for, I think, four or five Grammys.
He's got a video of him peeing on a Grammy back in the day, too.
Yeah, okay.
That's a rap we got to do.
By the way, that's canceled, but Coachella's in two weeks or three weeks.
I'm curious to see how he.
Y'all should not go to Coachella and come to see the infamous tour Radio City musical.
Oh, shit.
April 16th.
You know what I mean?
You're going to be fired.
Gang gang.
You know that Kanye is not going to show up at Coachella.
He might show up at Coachella.
I mean, there's a petition to have him not show up.
They got 23,000 signatures.
Really?
Yeah.
But prove you bought a ticket.
Yeah, the petition thing is so weird to me.
Yeah.
All right.
There's a sign, like, everyone signed up globally.
Yeah, petitions are the dumbest shit ever.
20,000 people globally?
That seems like no one.
That almost seems like the opposite is working.
I'm like, yeah, I guess a lot of people want Kanye to be a future.
That's pretty good.
All right.
Can you talk about this dude that came to New York that got shot over his Richard Mill?
Imagine getting shot over a disgusting Richard Mill watch.
Just like getting shot off of a Patek or a Rolex AP or something like that.
It's like, at least you're wearing something absolutely beautiful and desired, right?
The guy shot him and didn't even take the watch.
That's how you know.
I'm pretty sure he has the watch still, right?
Well, I don't.
I thought he stole it.
I thought that was the point.
Oh, I thought he shot him for wearing it.
He's like, you fucking idiot.
I thought he deserved it when it was a Richard Mill.
I was like, that's probably God.
You're going to waste $200,000 on this and then boom, shot him.
Why do you hate Richard Mill?
What happened?
What happened?
They're monstrosities of watches.
Yeah, they're like the NFTs of watches.
You guys just get watches like two years ago now.
I can't fucking watch it.
We're experts now.
We're experts.
We're experts in everything we do.
Hey, I'm obsessed with that fucking watch he got on right now.
That AP right there, that's a fucking watch, dog.
Pull up, do something about it, pussy.
I'm trying to get one of those.
Pull up at the gap then.
What is Richard Mill?
What about Drake Rodgers and this one?
Oh, so sick.
That's disgusting.
What the hell is happening?
What happened?
Why is he so busy?
Awful.
That's not like one of my other t-shirts.
You got to get that watch.
Son, watches are watches, bro.
Like, it's all just a game that you guys convince yourself where, like, oh, these are worth something.
Really?
Is that coming from you, sneakerhead?
What?
Is that coming from you?
I bought in.
We all buy in.
Okay, there we go.
All right.
That's fine.
Same thing as Bitcoin, same thing as all this shit.
Wow.
Really, just fuck your own argument completely.
No, it's all bullshit, bro.
This is who we bought in.
So this is the bullshit.
Yeah, life is bullshit.
Yeah, I know.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But I mean, the fact that you're knocking that watch.
Dolly Lama right now.
I'm saying objectively that watch is ugly.
They're freaky watches.
It's a disgusting watch.
I think they look all right.
Really?
It looks like a G-Shock.
Yep.
Yeah, I can kind of see it.
Yeah, G-Shock is fire, though.
When I was in the middle of the fifth, I was fired for $150.
If somebody tried to add $200,000, you'd be like, that's the thing.
You guys are adding the value to it, but at the end of the day, it looks dope.
It don't look dope.
That looks dope.
This looks dope.
That looks really dope.
That is the fucking watch, though.
AP holler at your boy.
I can't wait to the day when you guys have one PC.
Holler at your boy.
Holler at your boy.
Also, it's a new company.
I mean, he's getting like 100-year-old, you know, Swiss-made watches.
50 years, but it's fine.
Are you worried about wearing this now in New York?
Now that mad people are just getting jumped for their watches.
Now that you say it.
I'm worried.
How are you not thinking that?
Because a few people around them are all going to get that fire.
I never wear it.
What's going to happen to you?
They believe that one.
I never wear it ever.
No, but that watch is not flashy.
One day I got to get a rich bill.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, you are.
You could just be eating your word.
No interest.
Literally, no interest.
I think it's stupid.
Every time I see somebody with it, I think it's stupid.
I also never see anybody wearing it that like I admire.
You don't admire Drake?
No.
Drake could have the worst style of anybody that's successful.
Do you really want to dress like Drake?
Oh, no.
Drake dresses like a Puerto Rican lesbian.
Jeez.
He wears just these fucking sweatsuits all the time.
Like, his outfits suck.
The clothing sucks.
The sneakers suck.
Nah.
Like, his aesthetic.
He's got some fire outfits.
He's, listen, objectively, best rapper of our time.
Okay.
Objectively.
I have to say.
I agree.
And I put it over.
I put him over Jay.
Whoa.
I put him over Jay.
I know that sounds crazy, and there's been arguments in me about other ways, but yeah, kids marked age will definitely.
On the day I was wearing a Canada ball.
Yeah.
The only reason you're wearing that is because of Drake.
That's true.
Drake made Canada cool enough for you to wear that.
He's wearing the Jay-Z hat.
Yeah.
That's what that is.
What came first, though?
The hat of the Jay-Z would never wear a red and white Yankee fit.
It was a hat.
Never.
Yo, low-key, they both dress horrible.
Why do best rappers dress trash?
I think they do it intentional.
Jay-Z?
Like Eminem.
Eminem didn't intent.
Eminem dress horrible too.
His whole thing was on white trash, though.
And I think that's the thing.
It's like he's more relatable to more people.
It's like, hey, he's not the cool guy.
So Drake did that same thing.
It's like, hey, I don't want to be the cool guy and always be flashy.
Oh, shit.
Yeah, I think they did it.
Same thing with Jack Harlow.
No, Jack is swagged out now.
Now he's in Argentina.
Now he's swagged out.
I'm just saying, I think they used that same ploy to be more relatable to more people.
I mean, initially, Jack was lost.
I mean, I would say he's the best rapper.
He's gotten it.
He's figured it out now.
They got somebody in his corner and they're pulling the right fits.
Okay.
But interesting, if you think Drake does it as like a strategic move.
Yeah.
He has all the money in the world.
If you want him to get fly, he can get fly easily.
Anybody who dresses bad, it's intentional.
Who's a rapper that dresses well?
Future.
Oh, gosh.
I have no idea what he dresses like.
Nah, I think he.
I was going to be like, oh, you got a good point, but no, that's true.
Future dude.
Kanye West.
Oh, Kanye West dresses fire.
There you go.
Watching the whole dock, I was like, every fit is crazy.
Every fit.
There's a couple of fits I'm going to try to bring back.
He legit said after his accident, I decided I'm going to be the best dress rapper ever.
But he did.
A lot of people say that.
I know.
And then it happened.
That's it.
That's where he put it.
You know whose dress is cool and it's his own thing, but Snoop.
Like, Snoop always just looks sick.
He looks like Snoop always.
He's the coolest rapper, period.
Like, he just is cool.
Like, you don't have pictures of Snoop.
You know, there's pictures of Jay-Z on the jet ski and shit like that.
Yeah, where's that for Snoop?
You don't have that for Snoop.
Yeah, he's got the one where he has a little hair tie.
He looks like a woman.
But that's fire for Snoopy.
Well, that other buddy looks fire.
Snoop's in, like, he can do anything.
Yeah.
Like, it's like Shaq.
His whole ethos is cool.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
No, I would agree.
You could put Shaq in any situation and it's just funny and cool.
It's just everything's Shaq because he's so the room fits.
I feel like Shaq is more goofy, but it's still just, I love that.
But everything does is lovable.
He could do anything.
He dressed as a cop.
It's funny.
Yeah.
He's a genie.
Hilarious.
He's a DJ.
Did you see him DJ now?
Yeah.
And over the week, the people brought the basketball hoop to the actual freak of it and he made it.
And then he literally cuts the music off.
Guys, I made it.
And just keeps on playing music.
Legends.
He's a legend.
Okay, guys.
Listen, we have to wrap this episode up.
We have to come to a conclusion on everything that we spoke about today.
Shaq Fits Any Situation00:02:36
Yes.
And the thing that we open with, Leah Thomas.
Exactly.
So, how do we feel about me joining the U.S. Women's National Swim Team?
I support you wholeheartedly.
I don't think you'll be able to.
I'm on board.
I'd like to watch you swim just once back.
Full support.
Okay.
Thank you.
Do you?
I am officially resigning from the U.S. Women's National Army.
Hey, can I tell you something?
I support you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
You were never on it.
You can't resign for something you weren't on.
I was on it.
No, they never.
I was on it.
Okay.
And I'm resigning.
No, this is.
Wait, why?
Was it too much of a time commitment?
Tom Brady right here.
This time Brady.
Yeah, he's going to pound my bags.
I'm resigning so I can spend time with my family.
Wait, was it the time commitment that was the issue?
It was a combination of time commitment, skill.
It was definitely not skill.
I could have handled it.
But the chlorine caused some fucking...
A small rash.
Yeah, sialis.
What is it called?
Sialis.
Psoriasis.
Psoriasis.
I mean, sialis.
It caused sialis.
I was getting bricky.
Is that cool, dude?
And it was absolutely.
It was hard to swim.
It was very hard to swim.
Very, very hard to swim.
So I've been forced to resign, and I just want to say thank you to all my teammates.
I want to say thank you to everybody who inspired me.
I want to say thank you to Leah Thomas.
I want to say thank you to Leah Thomas.
And I want to apologize because I won't be able to build up that war chest that I was going to build up for Ukraine and I was going to donate to you.
Nice little chest going on earlier.
Big old chest.
Okay.
And I won't be able to do that.
And I apologize.
And we'll try to find another way where we can help the war effort, where we can help all these different groups that are doing everything they can to help different oppressed people.
Let's send them guns.
We're going to think about that.
Maybe in a suitcase.
Ask Israel.
Nah, if Israel's not going to send them, I bet you we can just find some guns around the city.
Maybe just round them up somehow.
That's probably true.
And then we can put them in a suitcase and mail them over.
Remember that movie War Dogs?
How easy it was for Jonah Hill and fucking Shanning Tatum or whoever else was in it to just put.
Let's just buy a bunch of guns.
We can go to a gun show.
Everyone can buy 10 guns and then we just put them in some type of shipping container and then send them to Israel.
It can't be that hard to move guns, right?
Just move the guns.
And if they ask, do you have anything to declare?
You say, no, I don't have any guns.
And you just go over there.
I think that's a great idea.
Guys, there might not be a pod next week, but there will be an end to this war.