Andrew Schulz and Akaash Singh launch their new podcast "Are You Garbage," debating hygiene habits like shower brushing and regional accents while reflecting on their SAT scores and dangerous years at Temple University. They discuss Philadelphia's comedy scene, family political divides, and the death tax before exploring how social media creates echo chambers. Ultimately, they conclude that parents are flawed humans needing attention, urging listeners to appreciate them before it is too late. [Automatically generated summary]
Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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Welcome to Are You Garbage00:01:27
What's up everybody?
Welcome.
We are back.
It's your boy Sheltie.
I'm here with Akash Singh, of course, Alex Media, Mark Gagnon.
But we also got a special guest today.
There are a few podcasts in New York that are coming up that are doing some very good work.
And I think you guys of the up-and-coming ones, you're my favorite.
He loves you guys.
I love it.
I think the first time we even did it, I was like, nah, you guys got something here.
I still want to see the 10-minute version.
Sure.
He keeps pounding me on it.
The first day, and we're going to get to what the pod is, but I'm so glad to have you guys here.
And it is, I thought it was just such a brilliant idea.
And we'll talk about why it is.
But the podcast is called Are You Garbage?
And I'm here with H. Foley, which is Hank Foley, but it's H. Foley.
That's right.
Okay.
Do you go Hank or Henry?
Either way.
But it's H. Chelsea.
I love you.
You can call me anything.
Listen, I'm about to start crying right now.
I just found.
I really just found out recently that your name wasn't Foley as the first name.
I was twice outside.
I was like, I've known you 10 years.
Yeah, but now we're going to get it.
You literally hit me with the, is it Henry?
In front of Alex.
I was like, come on.
We want to get it right, bro.
We want to get it right.
He was like, what's up with Hutcotch and all this Henry bullshit?
It was right as Gagnon.
It was right as Gagnon rolled in like a 90s movie.
You're like, is your name Henry?
I was like, drinking the gallon water.
The Real Name Story00:14:39
The thing's not even hooked up.
I was like, dude, he doesn't know what's going on.
This is all way too cool for him.
So, thank you, man.
Of course.
And, of course, we got Kev, man, Kevin Ryan.
Thank you guys so much for coming in.
You guys have this amazing podcast called Are You Garbage.
Now, I did it early on.
Early, yeah.
Early on.
And I remember doing it, and it was so much fun.
Now, basically, what you do on a podcast, and maybe it's obviously changed.
I'm sure you guys are just having regular conversation talking about topical stuff.
But part of it is you see if your guest is garbage or grew up garbage.
Sure, 100%.
And it is so much fun because especially successful people want to be garbage.
For sure.
Like, the more successful your guest, the more they're going to want to prove to you how horrible their life was growing up.
And it's just this amazing device, you know, and the only thing I can liken to is like probably one of the most popular shows on the internet, which is the Flaming.
The hot ones.
Hot ones.
And it's better than hot ones.
Thank you.
Because being able to eat a chip has nothing to do with how your parents loved you or not.
Sure, sure.
You know what I mean?
It's like you can eat hot shit or you can't.
It doesn't matter.
But like if your parents just didn't put anything into your life growing up, oh, that's funny.
What if you could only afford the hot sauce and no chicken wheat?
How about that?
How about if the only seasoning they had is hot sauce, you're garbage.
Now, can you just take us through a little bit of like what an average question would be?
Yeah, so we both come from garbage.
Let's say that we're both garbage.
You don't need to tell anyone.
Anyone watching the video knows.
It's not defined by money.
It's not defined by how much money you had growing up.
Because you grew up like middle class, like lower middle, middle class.
I grew up like upper, middle class.
Lower, lower, yeah.
So, but like, my parents.
We had one car.
What of it?
I was on trial here.
No way you threw that at me.
No, go, go, go.
This is my favorite part because it transcends class.
It does.
It transcends.
Of course.
My family, my parents made some money, but they both grew up poor.
So now they're just in them.
They're poor with money.
Like, there's been an unfinished shed in my backyard for 10 years.
And we have like a lot of money.
And it's just never been built.
You know what I mean?
You can't shed your garbage.
You can't.
But I'm a little less garbage because I grew up around nicer people, you know, and people with money and stuff like that.
Like, I grew up with like kids of doctors and lawyers I went to school with.
So you had to pretend like you were like them, but you had this fucking shed.
Yeah.
It's like, yeah, exactly.
And like we had, dude, we had the basketball net with no net in it anymore all through high school and shit like that.
Hey, Kev, let's go to your house.
It was under construction.
Yeah, but you had stairs at your house, which is like a thing.
What?
You had stairs?
You had two stories?
Yeah.
Bro, if you had two stories in the suburbs, in my mind, you were rich.
That's it.
Of course.
Done.
Of course.
No question.
Of course.
And there's a flip side to that.
I had a washer dryer.
That was a big deal.
In New York.
New Yorkers flex is very different.
Yeah.
Dude, I just got a dishwasher.
I'm flexing on everything.
I got, hey, give me a plate.
Don't worry about that.
Just leave it there.
He found out I got a dishwasher in my new apartment and he hasn't looked at me the same.
Like, dude, he's legit like, wait a second.
What?
You didn't tell me this?
Hold the door for him.
There's a clip that had me fucking dying, bro.
You were talking about living with Kevin.
He lived in my...
He puts it, we live together.
He was ended up in a bad situation and moved into my basement is what happened.
Yeah, yeah.
But Celeste said, yeah, well, we were living together.
And then you just go, you lived in my basement.
He wasn't on the lease.
We didn't go like shopping for a place.
I didn't pay the utilities.
What the fuck?
Because you were using them.
I pay the water.
I put my deposit like a gentleman.
You had, and this clip is so good, man.
So you said that you would, you were in the basement with the washer-dryer.
Yeah, he was.
And he goes, yeah, you know, sometimes I couldn't go to sleep at night.
I just run the dryer, right?
And then Kevin, you say, yeah, so you just put a sneaker in there.
Sounds like your parents are fucking.
Off the dreamland.
It's a white trash noise machine.
So that would be garbage right there.
Okay.
So what we do is we go through a series of questions to determine whether you're garbage.
And we're going to do this with us.
George Barney did that.
Okay, but before we do that, I want to know what is the difference between garbage and ghetto and garbage and white trash.
Yeah.
So like, break this down because it seems to me that garbage does not have a class.
It doesn't.
It adds to it.
We don't.
It's a lot of choice, right?
Like, it's a lot of times it's the lazier choice.
It's the, you know, it's the shittier choice.
If you grew up poor, you're by no means garbage, right?
Like, if you choose to be like, I'm going to have a presentable house and all the just whatever, like all these things.
You're going to do the best you can with what you have.
Exactly.
But if you lean into not doing the best.
The unfinished shed.
You know what I mean?
Exactly.
And I know where you're going with it.
So we do it in like a light-hearted, the garbage is almost celebrated.
So the difference between like garbage and trash, it's like we had Ari on.
The first thing Ari said was like, you know.
He's like, oh, he's like, well, you know, he's like, these aren't really garbage questions.
You should ask it like you ever fucked your friend's wife or whatever.
I'm like, well, that's just a bad person.
You know what I mean?
We keep it loose.
We keep it like.
So garbage would be celebrated.
Trash wouldn't be celebrated.
Ghetto wouldn't be celebrated.
White trash wouldn't be celebrated.
Take me through.
Take me through.
Can I take you my favorite garbage thing?
Yeah, because you did.
Akash did it as well.
I forget what your answer was.
If you were garbage.
Here's what I know to Andrew wanted to be garbage.
I felt so like insecure that my parents raised me as garbage.
I was like, yo, they came to this country.
They built a good life.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I swear to God, I don't get triggered.
He had an IG post that fucking triggered me, dog.
He said, you order a soda with no ice, you're garbage.
Yeah, that's a garbage.
That's garbage, dude.
I almost commented something.
I was so tight.
I was texting you.
You fucking want more soda.
That's garbage.
Be a gentleman.
Get some ice.
If you want a refill, pay for the fucking refill.
Pay for the refill.
Yo, that is.
Dude, that's the stupid thing.
I'm bothered by it.
I'm just like, yo, that's how I was raised.
Get more soda for me.
Your parents are garbage, dude.
It's passed down the generation.
Take us through.
Take us through.
This is fun.
So some of the big ones.
You're asking us.
We want to pay for it.
Okay.
Okay.
How do you want to start?
You want to start off with like the basics?
Yeah, hit him with the basics.
All right.
So, some of the basics we're doing that are very divisive on the show is: do you guys brush your teeth in the shower?
I have.
I don't.
You don't?
I don't do that.
Yeah.
Why do you say no?
Because he's fucking clamped.
What do you mean?
Just put the ice.
I do it sometimes.
Three other people in the shower.
Yeah, what do you mean?
No, it's trash.
I don't brush my teeth in the shower.
Definitely do not brush my teeth in the shower.
But how often do you brush your teeth?
But I thought that was.
No, I brush my teeth morning and night.
I don't shower as much, but I brush my teeth morning and night.
But pandemic.
That's how cool Schultz is.
Like, yeah, don't even shower anymore.
Like, he's showering.
He's past showers.
I thought that was an efficiency thing.
No.
I thought it was like, yo, I got so many things to do.
I got to combine.
No, because this is my argument.
When you're brushing your teeth, you can only be doing that.
Like, what do you do?
You're not in the shower doing this.
Exactly.
Conditioner settle, bro.
Nah, also, too, no.
That's a conditioner, dude.
That's not trash.
No, that's pretty good.
That's the conditioner.
That's the first week.
How often are you using it?
Every time I shower, yo.
That's cool.
Once a week.
That's new money.
That's new money shit right there.
That's new money.
New money.
You're shit too hard, bro.
You're trying to be as a commercial is what you're doing.
Yo, you're such new money, dude.
That's a guy who's used to the two-in-one at the discount rack.
The generic brand, too.
You get conditioned once a month, maybe.
And here's the thing: garbage people.
Matt's garbage.
Matt's garbage.
Bro, did you see when, not head and shoulders, what was the brand?
Part plus.
No, one of them made three and one.
Yeah, yeah.
It was like the third.
The body wash.
It was just fucking, buddy.
I have it.
What are you talking about?
Fucking have I seen it.
I used it this morning.
Holy shit.
I'm shaving with it.
I'm doing everything.
What's moving there?
You can jerk off to get the whole nine yards done.
Jesus.
Talk about saving time.
Shout out to Reich.
That's a go-getter right there.
That is hilarious.
Okay, keep going.
And here's the thing.
You can make that argument.
Now, I brush my teeth in the shower all the time.
I'm garbage.
We've established on the podcast that is garbage.
Okay.
Garbage people aren't brushing their teeth in the shower to save time.
These aren't go-getters.
These are animals.
Yeah.
They brush their teeth.
We brush our teeth in the shower because there's a freedom to it.
There's a who cares?
It's all in your everything's minty.
Yeah, it drips down.
That's what it's all about.
So you can't make that argument.
Oh, what if he's got an important test that day?
No.
He's not headed to the board meeting, that guy.
No, yeah.
That guy's not a good.
He doesn't have to get to the shareholders meeting.
He's watching The Mandalorian for the third time on the couch, eating Chinese food in 10 minutes.
It ain't a time thing.
And also, the most offensive thing to do, whatever.
I've kind of allowed, I've allowed letting, brushing your teeth in the shower time, whatever.
I'll semi-buy that.
But if you leave your toothbrush in the shower, you cannot come back from that.
That is 100% the nastiest thing you could do.
Really?
People are leaving.
You leave your cup?
No, just like on the fuck, like next to the shampoo, next to the right guard.
Yeah.
No, no, no.
Next to the crowd.
Oh, no, no.
Yeah, people do it.
A lot of most, it's like 50% of people.
Really?
Yeah, yeah.
I'm leaning on a soap, just chilling.
Yeah, it's fucking gross.
Russell's down?
He don't care, dude.
Look at him.
Come on.
You think he's worried about his teeth?
He's got bigger problems.
Just throw it in the bottom when I get out.
It's like the fucking vegetable.
Bristles.
Bristles.
Oh, yeah, brushes.
You want me garbage?
Deeply offended?
Trying to sound smart.
Trying to sound smart.
Because I was like, son, it's an electric toothbrush.
It's a very nice old 7000.
What you talking about?
I think hygiene is incredibly important.
Yo, he still heard about the conditioner comment.
He's still butthurt about that.
Did you say Brussels?
In your grammar and shit.
They're trying to feel bougie about like the European city.
I didn't know where which I traveled to in my gap year.
I studied abroad.
Gap year's rich kid shit.
I believe you're referring to more questions.
More questions.
Okay.
What do you got, big man?
Have either one of you, okay, growing up or now ever had turkey on any other day but Thanksgiving.
Like a whole turkey.
A whole turkey.
Your parents ever cook a turkey in like the middle of July?
I got news for you.
It's trash.
Like a whole turkey.
It's got to be a whole turkey.
No, 100%.
That's good.
What's Akash?
I just want to tighten his mic because it keeps turning.
Yeah, it keeps turning, but the only way to do it.
Akash is incompetent.
He's awful.
He's awesome today.
It's unbelievable.
Incompetent.
Can I tell him what they're doing?
I know.
No, no, no.
He cannot do a single task you ask him to do.
It's unbelievable his inability to do.
I know.
That's what I'm saying.
So if I turn it back, the whole thing turns.
Yeah, and then tighten.
No, no, no, no.
I know.
Let him dig in.
Let him dig in while everybody knows.
There you go.
You got it?
Have you ever tightened anything?
No, never mind.
He's got conditioner on his finger.
He can't get it.
Great day started.
You were conditioning your head this morning.
Like, today's going to be a great day.
I tell the guys I condition everything.
Got the mic wrapped around me.
Okay, come on.
You are classy.
We can do better than the turkey.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
A big one growing up was, did you drink milk with dinner?
And if you did, you still do it.
No, go.
You know, it might be trash.
You know what it might be trash?
I ate at some white kids' house one time.
The big white guy thing.
And spaghetti and milk.
And I was like, these guys are kings.
He went home like, mom, you're not going to believe what Tyler's doing down the road.
I was like, you got no idea how these white people are living.
Damn.
Crazy.
I couldn't understand.
Everything they said was true.
And we didn't know how bad carbs were you back then were dude.
The 90s was wide open.
Like, these guys are doing it right.
What kind of family am I in?
Did you enjoy it?
No, I hated it.
Yeah, it's fucking close, dude.
No.
There's a mental thing in like Irish-Italian, like, poor white people thing where there's a connection of the flavors between pasta sauce and milk.
I don't know what it is.
All right, you get Elon Musk in here, maybe talk about it.
It's something on a genetic level.
Oh, because it's unbelievable.
He still drinks milk with dinner.
You don't like milk in a nice chicken farm?
No.
Dude, it's so further.
It's insane.
I'm the asshole?
Dude, you can't drink a whole cup of milk.
It's insane.
Really?
Milk is only for sweets.
That's the only thing it pairs well with.
I agree.
You cannot drink milk out of a glass.
It has to be mixed with something else.
It has to be like coffee or something.
I can't just have sweets.
You have a cookie and milk.
I get it.
That's funny.
Yeah, desserts.
Dessert and milk.
I get milk and anything.
I got meatloaf and milk.
After this, when you were younger, like after, did you ever like, I was about to ask you, did you work out?
Did you ever like play basketball or something like that and then come home and then you're thirsty and drink milk?
Have a glass of milk.
I've done it.
Yeah.
I could do that as a kid.
What the fuck happened?
It stimulates something inside your brain from, you know, when you were a kid.
That's what I think.
It's biological.
Absolutely.
Okay, okay.
Just real quick, this is one of my other, my favorite.
I didn't even realize people did this thing.
Milk.
M-E-L-K, how you pronounce it?
It's pure white trash.
He says milk.
If you do the E, the L, milk.
Milk is one of their pieces of march is the milk garbage.
Yeah, we call it, we call the people that we call them the milkmen.
The milkmen?
The drink dinner.
We have shirts, milkmen shirts.
And he's the general of the fucking Milkman army.
He says milk.
And I was like, that's a real thing.
He also says pillow.
Pellow?
Like for pillow is pillow.
Pillow.
He grew up in like some weird part of Pennsylvania.
Well, here's the thing: I was born in upstate Pennsylvania, which they have leaning towards almost like a Midwestern Chicago accent.
Okay.
All right.
And then moving down to Philly at like a formidable age.
I was in fourth grade, so out in the burbs, just outside in the suburbs.
So they had that thick, you know, street road accent.
Pure White Trash Milk00:15:19
Yeah, I got it.
Yeah, what are you doing later?
You want to go down there to the business?
So that's mixed in there, and I'm too uneducated and stupid to like, you know, to change it up.
Yeah, so it's all mixed in.
Philly is a garbage city through and through.
Is Philly garbage?
Daytime garbage.
Daytime, big time travel.
Have you met these people?
Texans?
No, I'm insecure because I don't want to be garbage at all.
Texans, y'all, you all.
Makes perfect sense.
How the fuck do you get to use guys?
No, no, no.
Do you get to use?
It's just used.
Yo, you're going down air later?
You.
What are you doing?
But what about Yins?
Yins is Pittsburgh.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yins.
That's real trash.
You can't come back from that.
I don't care.
That's like, that's like giving the ball money you got to get.
Call the Uber.
Dates over.
Later.
Yins.
Yins is tough.
Thanks.
I didn't even know the thing, but use is fuse.
Yeah.
It's like the big ones there are used and John.
They're like the ones.
Fine, that's a term.
Whatever.
Use?
How fucking dumb are you?
Oh, it's trash.
Even Philly people, like when others, when that's not like everybody says that.
When you hear someone say that, you're like, ooh, like it hurts.
Like you feel it in your bones.
My Galvanes grew up in Philly.
He'll text me Y-O-U-S-E with like if it's a group text.
I'm like, I can't fucking believe it.
Yeah, use.
Yeah.
Use.
It's really trash if you're typing it out.
I mean, like, that's extra letters.
Not even an abbreviation.
All right, guys, we're going to take a break for a second because I got to make sure that you're not wasting any days this holiday season.
Okay.
I know you're going to be out drinking.
I know you're going to be out partying.
Okay.
You're just at home.
There's nothing else to do.
You might be even quarantined.
So you're going to be getting pissy drunk at the crib and you can't be wasting days.
And there's a way to not waste days.
And that's with DHM detox.
I can get into all the science, but let's be honest.
You know, I'm just reading that shit right off the paper.
Apparently, the alcohol creates these fucking chemicals in your body or something like that.
Well, DHM breaks them down so you don't have a wasted next day.
All right.
Don't you want all those chemicals broken down?
Okay.
It's not just water.
You pop a couple pills when you're drinking at night, pop a couple pills before you go to bed at night, and then you wake up the next morning and you're not wasting that day.
So go to nodayswasted.co.
This is a no-brainer.
No dayswasted.co.
All right.
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All right.
Now let's get back to this.
Okay.
I'm sorry, guys.
Okay.
Well, I'm just, now I'm thinking of like the opposite of garbage.
What do you guys have a term for this?
Clean living.
Clean living, we say.
Clean living.
Okay.
So now I keep thinking of like friends who are like doing this clean living thing growing up.
I'm just like, oh my lord, this is.
I had this kid.
His name was Derek.
I probably shouldn't say his last name, but like he was like my best friend growing up.
And he lived in fucking the apartment.
This kid was welcome, man.
He lived in the apartment that I believe Marilyn Monroe was dating.
Was it DiMaggio?
I think so, right?
He fucked him up.
Some Yankee, right?
He was dating DiMaggio.
He got around.
Yeah.
Fucked a lot of people.
But it was like their apartment where they were living in.
And this is like clean fucking live.
Like, I never seen like welcome.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But there was a room for the maid to live in.
Maid's quarters.
Maids' quarters.
Yeah.
And this is a common thing, I guess.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Right?
There was a maid's quarters.
Wealthy folks.
It was barely a room.
And it was right next to the kitchen.
You got to keep them humble.
Yeah.
I can't let the success go to you.
You don't want her showing off.
You know what I mean?
Dude, the room is right next to the kitchen.
I remember asking him, I was like, why are all your rooms over here?
And then her room's next to the kitchen.
And then he goes, well, that's kind of where she operates.
No, it's close.
We want to shorten the commute for her.
You know what I mean?
We don't want her getting jammed up by the bedroom.
Hitting traffic in the hallway.
Trying to give some bullshit excuse why you're not going to be able to do it.
That's rich.
That's like that's the same bias shit.
Like they divided up the home.
Yeah, they don't want to be near them.
They might steal or something, you know.
Even though they're in the pillows.
Yeah, of course.
Yeah, that's their mentality.
He's like, well, if they're on that side of the house, they can steal the pots and pans.
I don't care.
What kind of kid was that?
And she steps into the living room.
He's like, ah, ah.
Our old friend, Alex Anderson, had a best friend who was like wealthy, wealthy, grew up wealthy.
And he told me with like real wealthy people, they love making other people feel excluded.
So like there's a lot of people.
Oh, that's all.
That's all it is.
This is some rules they have.
Like, if everybody's making a toast and you have water, you don't toast unless you're on a boat.
Then you toast.
And he's like, it means nothing.
They just want someone to not know the rule so they can know that.
Yeah, make them look like dicks on the boat.
Dude, I'm at that restaurant last night.
Never have I felt more garbage than when I go to like these like fans.
You really feel out of place.
I'll be honest with you.
They can smell it on you.
You are new money, too, dude.
I start stuttering.
What the fuck is this?
I don't know how, like, because in my mind, I'm like, don't let them know.
Don't let them know.
He's ordering chicken fingers and shit.
Bro, I literally, they go, what's the name under?
I said my girl's name.
I wasn't even there yet.
They're like, what's the name?
I'm not going to say her name, obviously, but it was so embarrassing.
So I'm just there.
I'm like, try.
And then I overcompensate the other way.
Like, I lean into like, I don't care, guy.
I got my fucking arms everywhere.
But my parents, is this garbage?
They just never taught me how to use utensils.
And I say it as like a joke, not on stage, but like literally, I learned which fork to use from Titanic.
Do you remember when Jackson was?
Well, yeah, sure.
It's a big, that's a big thing because my girl's European.
Americans don't learn that.
Like, really learn that.
That makes me feel like Europeans.
I go over there.
I'm a fucking animal.
They like laugh at me at the dinner table.
I'm like, literally, once I had a Danish girlfriend once, and I was eating salad at her parents' home, and I shoveled some salad onto my fork with my dude.
That's my go-to move, dog.
Because it works.
Yes, it's better than anything.
No one taught me with the knife.
Why would you put fucking nettles on a salad?
It's crazy.
That's too clean.
That living is too clean.
That's too clean.
I don't want that.
My parents eat with their hands.
What's a spoon?
You mean like this?
The thumb is the fucking spoon.
What are you talking about?
Those people can still be garbage, too.
Just because you got salmon pants and a duck belt don't mean you can't act trash.
100%.
Okay, why did I bring this up?
What are we talking about?
Maid's quarters?
Oh, no, so we're in this restaurant, right?
They keep bringing different silverware, and there's ways apparently you have to put the silverware to show that you're done.
What?
One of four o'clock.
Serve from the left, clear from the right.
What the fuck?
It was a waiter.
He doesn't know.
He doesn't eat at these restaurants.
I was about to sell him out.
I'm glad that you said that.
He only knows that because he busts tables.
Steals the milk.
Well, actually, at my country club that I'm a member of, I uh.
So apparently, when you're finished, you put the silverware that you use on the plate in a way to let them know you're finished, right?
At four o'clock.
A four o'clock.
But is it on the plate or half hanging off the plate, half hanging on, like tilted up?
It's on the plate, the end of the fork, and the knife should touch the end of the plate right at four o'clock.
Yeah.
And if you're still eating, it's on the plate and on the table.
Like you're resting it.
Yes, you're not.
No, I'm sorry.
I take that back.
It's not four o'clock.
It would be 4:20.
Because they're both at the where the four o'clock would be.
They should be both on the same direction.
Okay.
Yeah.
Thank you for stopping and clarifying that.
Isheland man.
But but uh and then they kept bringing different types of stuff.
They brought like a fish knife.
Oh, I don't even know what that is.
A specific knife just for fish that's not sharp.
So it doesn't, it like kind of just breaks the fish and moves it.
And I kept thinking about that exact thing, which is like, oh, all you're doing is making up culture so you can make people feel inferior.
And it was working like a dude.
This is thousands of years of that shit.
They didn't just come up with that.
That's thousands of years of not having minorities.
But if they have to divide people, like the reason why America never has this is because, oh, we have different colors of people.
We'll just make them feel worse and then we feel better.
But in England, it's all white people.
They all look the exact same.
They've got to start going, oh, well, they talk a little different.
Okay, they're poor.
Or, oh, they don't know how to use silverware.
They're this.
It's just structures, hierarchies.
We're going to put it in.
Nah, but even then, when you get to like wealth, wealth, it's still such those guys are such egomaniacs.
It's all a pissing contest.
Who am I richer than?
Who's worse in the room?
Who's the classiest?
Make up all these little fucking rules.
No, but that's what I'm saying.
No, even in America, at the wealthiest level, I think that exists.
They want to catch those guys.
They want to show up their boys.
What I'm saying is it doesn't permeate our entire culture as much.
Gotcha.
Just because we have other ways to visually go, how can I feel better than you the quickest without using it?
Like, if I want to feel better than you in my head.
All I have to do is in my head is go, oh, no, I saw you do that.
I'm better than you.
I got to invite you to dinner.
I got to give you a spoon.
Hopefully you don't know how to use it.
And then I can go, oh, man.
Like, that's too much.
You know what I mean?
Isn't it easier to just be like, ah, he's brown?
100%.
That's what I've been doing.
Let me ask you this.
As a former server, as a former server, is that the worst feeling to feel like inferior when you feel like the server is giving you shit?
Like last night, he's giving you an attitude.
You know what I've realized?
When I go into like nice clothing stores, they feel like they own the brand.
You're fucking fucking out.
Dude, I went to get fitted for my suit for my wedding and like I felt so out of place.
And I was like, you make $9 an hour, Jerkoff.
You're making me feel like an asshole.
You get commissioned off of me.
Yeah, yeah.
Why are you making me feel better?
I'm like, you can't even afford to fucking shop here, dude.
But you know what?
That shit makes you want to buy something to like prove that I got money.
They got commissioned.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
These fucking assholes.
I know.
I don't even know what you guys are talking about.
Honest with you.
I remember I walked in.
What are you talking about?
Like, Macy's not on sale.
Yeah, Boscoff, what are you doing?
I walked into Uniqlo one time along right the fuck out.
They all turned their backs to me when I'm break.
It's a Japanese brand.
He barely fit in the store.
What the fuck?
They thought he was, he had a delivery to drop off or something.
I know.
Also, you think Uniqlo is classy?
I don't understand.
It's fucking Japanese.
Asian M for Asia.
They were hot.
His own name.
They were Asian.
What do you want from me?
I was trying to fit in.
You're not going to fit in that hill.
Dude, I wore the jacket too.
Remember?
I pushed that thing to its white ones.
The gray one.
Oh, the gray, dude.
Yeah, like one of those puffs.
It was like before the super puff jet.
It was like the, you know, just like the regular ones.
Yeah, yeah.
And he got it like from a friend who like stole his friend works security there and stole one and fully bought it for like 10 bucks or something.
$20 jacket.
Yeah.
He's trash.
He's like, he's dirtbag level trash.
Yeah.
If you walk out of Uniqlo and it beeps, they just go, really?
Yeah, like, really?
You're doing this?
You have nothing else to do today?
You got to come steal a $4 t-shirt?
Eat the socks.
What are you talking about?
Trying to say face.
I grab a headband and go to the counter.
This will be it for today.
It is true, man.
That is true.
That fucking inferiority shit kind of works.
Yeah.
I wonder when that's going to respect the people who are garbage and embrace it.
Absolutely.
Oh, dude.
That's what the whole stuff.
That's what the whole podcast is.
It's fucking humble beginnings.
That's what it's all about.
Yeah.
It is true, man.
That is true.
What is that?
Are they doing that because they also feel garbage?
And they're like, are they masquerading a bit?
Who, like the super rich people that do that stuff?
No, like the people that work at these really fancy places that like will kind of be condescending.
Is that them projecting?
It's their ego.
Yeah, yeah.
100%.
100%.
So they recognize that we both feel the same way and they're like, oh, I'm not going to let him know that.
We're playing chess.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, not checkers.
Probably think of how terribly the really rich people treat them.
Yeah.
They like.
Okay, here.
They're so far beneath me when they walk into there.
That's what they're thinking.
So they look at the guy who's a little insecure, like, they take that out on him.
But then in my mind, I'm going, okay, in order for me to just get borderline respect, I got to treat you like shit so you feel comfortable.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I have to treat you bad so you feel comfortable with me because you're like, oh, he's one of them.
Yeah.
I don't want to treat you bad.
I just want to.
You're getting to that point, too.
You got to start doing that shit.
No.
Yeah.
Or you can just.
I want to at least try it.
You got to start being real snooty.
You should have.
You should have had that waiter fired last night.
That's what you should have done.
They were good, but I knew nothing.
They were walking around with these fucking chains on with a little cup at the bottom.
Like it was literally like a pimp cup.
It was a pimp cup.
They all had pimp cup necklaces.
It was their somalias.
It's a wine thing.
I got into a lot of documentaries about somaliers.
Yeah, Just recently.
What is it called?
What?
It's like that Tom Hanks thing.
Tom Hanks.
Tom Hanks.
I missed that.
I'm the captain.
Oh, yeah.
That's garbage.
Documentaries about somaliers.
Yeah.
Read a book.
Netflix culture over here.
Dude, I'm trash.
I mean, I'm not sitting here like I'm a fucking king of England.
I am garbage.
What is this?
Volcanic condition every day.
He's still trying to cut me down at the legs.
So apparently, I asked the lady, right?
I just go, why does everybody have the chain with the cup?
And I, because I thought that made them like the best server.
Like a few of them, I thought they were the super server.
Hey, congratulations, buddy.
Yeah.
I was like, yo, you got the fucking chain.
Like, it's like doing Jay-Z's labor.
Like, this is the real shit.
And then she was like, oh, no, it's a teste-vu.
How do you say vin?
Teste-vu?
How do you say, like, taste of wine in French?
Teste vie?
Something like that.
Basically, for years, they would have it.
You'd take a little sip, and that's how the somalias know.
And I was like, okay, so she, but she didn't make me feel bad or anything like that.
That's nice.
You get a bottle?
Say what?
You get a bottle?
They tried to hit me with that wine pairing.
Yeah.
Ah.
See?
You're garbage.
I couldn't do it.
Nah, I'm not doing that shit.
Somebody get an amsto light whatever she wants.
I'm like, I need more bread over here.
Is that Garden asking for more bread?
Yeah, fuck for more bread.
Hey, honey, how about a couple more Parker houses over here?
I said this.
Oh, my God.
I was so starved.
I didn't eat the whole day.
We came in here to do the podcast.
I didn't eat the whole day.
I went there, and I sit down and they come over, and the person goes, he hits me with the classic fine.
First of all, the busboy comes in and asks about the water.
He's if you say no to bottle to like not even the waiter.
Always say yes to the bottle.
You get the bottle?
No, I said tap.
But they're just a little bit of a tap.
Fake tap guy talking.
Yeah, big tap guy.
Big tap guy.
I'm not gonna be bullied.
This is New York.
I paid for this water.
Yeah.
You gotta do the bottom.
Oh, I love it.
So I go, I go, I'll take tap, but I'm shaking.
I'm so hungry.
I'm literally shaking, right?
And then I go, this is a fancy fucking recipe.
I got a calamari here quick.
They're like, can we start yet with an appetite or something like that?
I go, it comes out of my mouth.
I go, man, I'm just so hungry.
Can I get some bread or something?
You are such a mook, dude.
You got any rolls back there?
Rodolfo, get the gentleman some rose.
And then I stopped myself.
I was like, oh, actually, I'll just wait.
Leftovers and Imposter Syndrome00:05:06
Like, maybe she'll have some stuff.
It sucks.
Why the fuck do I feel embarrassed on this?
You don't have rolls at that joint?
I'm trying to think of it because I go into those places and I'm like, I don't give a fuck.
Yeah.
I think I'm so used to being insecure that I'm like, you're not going to make it worse.
He's fighting it.
I'm used to not being insecure.
No, that is actually true.
Like, don't get me wrong.
We all have our super insecure moments, whatever.
But in most environments, I feel very comfortable.
I do, and I will, I'll be honest.
But in certain places, I feel out of place.
And it's like almost hard for me to talk.
It's so weird.
That's a trap.
You're free.
You're not used to feeling like an imposter.
You're free.
You're walking to these rich places.
You feel like an imposter.
Yes.
I feel like an imposter every day, baby.
He's in the he doesn't even feel comfortable in the bodega.
He's in there, like, how much for a honey bottom?
No, what the fuck?
You've never eaten at a place like this, but this is garbage, garbage.
If a place, like a nice Italian restaurant, gives you bread, I'll be like, yo, can we get some bread to take home?
Oh, fuck yeah.
You got sauce?
I want my leftovers.
And then we all do it.
This is another big divisive one.
It's leftovers.
I think taking leftovers is trash.
This fucking guy.
It is.
It's trash.
You pay for it, yo.
Oh, dude.
No, you pay for the experience.
I sit there, and if you don't finish your meal, what are you going to do?
You're the guy who can't finish.
Order off the kids' menu next time.
Just sit in here.
You can't finish a fucking chicken.
You can't finish a chicken breast and a potato?
What then?
You're calling what?
Oh, he's in your hair.
Get him the fuck out of here.
You're nuts.
No, that's funny.
Oh, you couldn't finish your meal.
Look at him a sprite with no ice in a lid, too, please.
I don't do that.
Doesn't get it.
I drank sprite out the bottle.
I got class, bro.
He doesn't get it.
See, when him and his girl go eat, they eat in a very German military way.
They each get their own dish.
Foley is taking home leftovers.
It's not about.
He orders a third entree.
He doesn't fucking hate.
There's no actual leftovers.
Yes.
Each one to go.
He goes, let me get a chicken param on the way.
He ordered two for himself.
He had two for himself.
He's a big guy.
Somebody was coming.
He just got this way eating salad, dude.
Hit me late.
I was like, is he on a date?
Why does he already have two entry?
There's another guy coming, I swear to you.
He's ordered to the office.
He's ordering three drinks to confuse them.
Yes, he didn't make it.
Wrap it up.
Oh, yeah.
No, when me and my girl go out to dinner.
Just you and Spray.
He goes, We'll have he orders with wool for the table.
We'll start with the appetizer sampler.
She'll do.
Can you put it on four plates, please?
I want to share it to everybody.
No, when me and my girl go out to eat, we get an appetizer.
We each get an entree.
There's leftovers.
I'm sure you and your girl do the same thing.
Absolutely.
He just gets the bare minimum.
He's eating like a fucking coal miner over here.
I finished my meal.
I'm paying, you know, if I'm going out to a nice place, we're paying a lot of money.
Yeah, man.
You go and you leave.
This is insane.
It's not virtual reality over here.
It's insane.
It's trash.
It's called a doggy bag.
We dug into this because you would take it home and give it to your dog.
That's literally how it started in like World War One.
Did you take any leftovers home last night?
Not for human consumption.
That's animalistic.
You're so mad at me right now.
I'm analyzing.
I'm analyzing.
This is pre-microwave, pre-oven, pre-the ability, pre-air fryer.
For a dog, dude.
It's for originally for a dog.
It's cold back in the day.
He actually brings up a bunch of dog eats fucking mushrooms.
So technology makes you more trashy with the microwave.
That's insane.
Now that you can reheat the food, it's not as trashy as you eat.
What dog eats mushrooms?
Is that what you say?
I tell you what, he ain't getting mine with fucking a scallop on top.
Take a hike.
Fuck that.
It's not a dog.
Nobody calls it a doggy bag anymore.
Fucking Fred Flintstone over here.
And he's still on the meal.
Discussion.
What's what?
We were three minutes past that.
You said he eat it or not.
And he's still like, no, I'm not giving my dog any of my leftovers.
What are you fucking crazy?
You hear me, Mittens?
You hear me?
Okay, is this garbage, Ready?
You guys are talking about leftovers.
Last night, I would, it was a chef's tasting, right?
So they like have the menu already set up, I guess, right?
I would finish mine, okay?
My girl, there was like a bite or two left, right?
And they would come to take her plate, and then I would say, I'll finish it.
And then because they didn't want me to like just slide the plate over, they would like pick it up and make like a thing of it and like bring it over to me.
Is that garbage at a fancy restaurant?
I don't think that should be garbage.
Yeah.
Isn't it more respectful to the chef?
Like, I don't want to waste your delicious food.
Yeah, I don't know.
I think that's just like, if I was, I would have eaten it before they came over to take it.
You know what I mean?
I would have been like, yep.
Yeah, I would have to go.
Yeah, it's all the thing.
That chain, you hear him coming.
He's got his tarmout.
Jesus piece.
Manscaped Sponsor Break00:03:04
You don't need this stress, yo.
Go in the middle.
Wait, are you saying is it garbage tree?
I've seen her three months of working on this fucking thing.
I'm trying to take her tonight.
It's stressful.
All right.
I act like I planned it months in advance.
I got a Rezi abuba gumps.
You cool with that?
Hold on.
The whole thing is ruined because when I put the fucking reservation in, I have to use her Rezi thing.
Yeah.
And then it gives her a notification.
I was like, yeah, I had this thing.
Bro, I know.
I planned it for you.
Bonnie, you're a smart guy.
You said this whole thing.
You're getting caught by the Resi app?
Bro, what the fuck?
Infuriating because I had my app.
No, you're too stupid to cheat.
Just download your own app.
Dude, you built this amazing studio.
Download an app.
Here's the thing.
My boy, this is my boy.
He can like, he works at one of these services.
They get you shit that you need.
Sure, yeah.
Concierge type.
He is a concierge service, right?
And so he hooked it up and he goes, yo, I gave your girl's number instead of yours.
You know, I don't want to give your number out or whatever.
And I'm like, I don't think anybody cares about the number of this place.
But then I've been telling my girl, I planned this for weeks.
And she gets to fucking pop up on her Rezi.
So I'm going to her the rest of the day.
It's like, yeah, I plan this, whatever.
And she's like, oh, but after I do this whole spiel about, yeah, you know, I wanted something nice for us, whatever.
Like, just out of curiosity, why did I get a reservation thing today from Rezi?
Did you try to like backtrack and be like, well, they didn't put it in today.
They asked me for COVID testing.
That's what I said.
That's nice, yo.
Hey.
But you did lie.
I won't be.
Yeah, I lied.
That's great.
Good for you.
He ain't making it this deep into the podcast.
She'll skim the first 10 minutes.
I gotta put all the heat at the back end.
I've learned this.
I've learned this.
Come on, heat in the midscape.
30 minutes in Coast.
It's like a Fed wiretap.
They gotta stop listening if they don't hear their name in five minutes.
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It's funny.
Okay, give us another garbage.
Get Your Balls in Check00:10:00
One of the big, uh, another big one on it's very divisive is uh, oh, people are very opinionated on it.
What did you both get on your SATs?
1240.
Oh, that's embarrassing for an Indian.
I didn't want that.
That's true, actually.
True.
You gotta at least get 13.
I got into the college I wanted, but I was like, I should take it again just.
I could say this number out loud.
Damn.
I hate saying it to Indians.
And then it's always funny when white people are like, I thought that was fun.
Yeah, I thought that's good.
No, go.
I got an 1140.
I got 1130.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
I got something.
It ain't good.
I'm shocked you took it.
ACT written all over you, baby.
Spent a lot of weekends at Sylvan Learning Center for an 870.
I'll tell you that.
My mom should have got her money back.
Oh, yeah, dude.
The whole thing for us was, I think it was like you just had to get over like 1,000.
1,000.
It was like over 1,000.
If you can get four digits, it's like you can pretty much get into a lot of state schools.
You'll get into a semi-reputable estate.
Yeah, see, none of my friends were going to Harvard.
You know what I mean?
We all went to public school in New York City.
It's like you're going to SUNY Binghamton if you're smart.
You're going to Albany if you're okay.
You're going to fucking Baruch if you're not, right?
Like this is kind of how shit went.
Right now, I'm trying to think.
You had to get over a thousand, right?
Yeah.
You were in the meaty part of the curve.
You got 1130?
I'm 40.
1140, dog.
Yo, that's a big thing, too.
Satellite campus are fucking carabads.
Yeah.
Satellite campus.
Satellite.
Like if you're like, oh, I went to University of Miami in Pittsburgh.
It's like, ah, come on, dog.
Satellite campus, right?
Isn't there a U, Miami of Ohio?
Yeah, there is.
But there's a bunch in Pennsylvania.
There's a bunch of satellite in like outside Altoona.
But outside of, there's like outside of Pittsburgh.
There's like multiple satellite campuses for like fucking states and cities that are nowhere near there.
Really?
Pennsylvania got tons of colleges and like Philly in particular.
And it's funny because none of y'all are getting in to anything.
I went to TU, dog.
Temple University.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Cosby University.
Cosby, yeah.
That dude is a fun partier.
Shout out to those Phi Kappa Theta parties.
When you were there, would he ever come back?
Yeah, he would go to the games all fucked up.
Yeah, he would go to the football game.
Our football team was terrible.
We used to lose like 68 to this.
The spread would be like...
Everybody say Cosby was the one that was fucked up.
It's true.
But we would lose so bad.
And we played at the state of the Eagles, the Lincoln Financial Field.
So like 10 people would go and we would just go to party and like hang out.
And he would be there all fucked up.
You can look at those ESPN footage of him like fucking drunk as fuck and they're talking to him.
He doesn't know what's going on.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Temple had a good basketball team.
Temple, yeah.
When Cheney was there.
Yeah, but they weren't.
Ray Rice was Temple.
Yeah.
Wait, why do you not have a lot of notable black alumni, huh?
They all got some stains on their head.
Yeah.
Ray Rice.
Oh, Ray Rice went to Temple?
Yeah, I'm pretty sure.
I could be wrong.
I thought it was Temple.
It's one of those schools that's not normally good.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean, it's either Temple or Rutgers.
Might have been Rutgers.
Might have been Rutgers.
That's funny because Temple to us was a garbage school.
It's pretty garbage.
It's like the...
Yeah.
Yeah, and she was always like a Temple kid.
We were forbidden to go there.
Temple?
Yeah.
Because it was so dangerous.
It was bad, dude.
It was really bad.
Your family?
Huh?
Your family would mean black?
Possibility.
Yeah.
No, it was just, it was so bad.
It was mid-90s.
It was terrible.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Rough time.
You would hear gunshots like daily.
At Temple.
It's in the heart of North Philly.
And it's a campus where it's about an eight by eight block, and it's like safe on there.
They have like the second biggest police.
Every college is like that.
USC is like that.
But like, dude, it's fucking bad.
Like, dude, people would run in the house.
Philly's so bad.
I don't understand this.
I had a joke about this.
Philly's the one city where I've never heard of a good part.
No.
Every part of Philly you say, you got to keep your head on a fucking shit.
You from West Philly?
It's crazy out there.
North Philly?
Oh, shit.
You're from South Philly?
Yeah, It's true, dude.
So the suburbs is where the rich folks live.
Yeah, it's a lot of white flight.
Everybody got money and got out of it.
But when you're there, like whenever I did shows in Philly and I was around that kind of center city.
Yes, it's Center City.
Center City.
That's all right.
Yeah, there's like a 15 button.
Yeah, there's like 15.
There's written house squares there.
A lot of old money there.
Yeah, but dude, you go like outside of that very center city pocket.
Even at night, the center city gets fucking dicey.
Really?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But why is it so bad?
Is it mafia shit, gang shit?
Like, what is it?
It's not gangs, it's not really.
It's just like, it's like block to block.
It's just fucking a lot of poverty, a lot of guns.
You can get guns.
Like in Pennsylvania, there's like no.
Like, New York doesn't have that many guns.
Ah, so there's violence.
A lot of violence.
Got you.
And the gun laws are really lenient.
Okay.
Interesting.
Like, you can go buy 15 handguns at a time.
Even in the city.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I don't think a CVS or anything.
No, but you know what I'm saying?
Like in New York, for example, like if you live upstate, you could probably get a rifle super easy.
But in New York City, you can't.
You can't have a gun.
Yeah, yeah.
Really?
Yeah.
You can literally, what they do is they send one guy in with a clean record to go in and buy like 15 handguns.
Oh.
And then he goes and just gives them out.
Real straw purchases.
Yeah, real roll real quick when you get outside the city.
That's a bad combination.
Yeah, I never understood why Philly is so rough, but maybe it's because like sometimes what happens when there's like a decently sized city that's close to a major city, you kind of drain all the folks.
Yeah, that's not even you guys come in here.
Like you could stay in Philly and do stand-up there, but obviously in New York, there's going to be more opportunities to you go.
And I'm sure the same shit happens with business or whatever.
But it just doesn't make sense because I think someone's telling me Philly's like the seventh biggest city in the country or something like that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's big.
It's not even.
It used to be top five, and then like people are fleeing.
Really?
Or they have been over the past couple of years.
Yeah.
It just makes no sense.
You have all these like schools, so you have all these kids that go there.
A few of them should hang around.
Yeah, not a lot of them fucking dip.
They get their money out.
I think you're right.
It's a brain drain.
It's like, why would I stay here if you're going to New York and two hours to the city, baby?
You kidding me?
Yeah.
Fucking hit the Lincoln Tunnel.
The city in America is New York.
Yeah.
This is the city.
And imagine two hours away from it.
Why would I be?
90 minutes.
Yeah.
And like everything is there.
Commerce is all there.
There's entertainment there.
Whatever you are, if you're the best restaurants.
Go to New York.
You want fame?
That's the spot.
Did you guys start stand-up in Philly?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay.
It was good.
It's like one of the, it's a Northeast, so it's like Philly, Boston, New York, right?
It's the same mentality.
A lot of ball busting, a lot of blue-collar fucking families.
It's like, my family's huge.
My mom's one of nine.
They're huge.
It's all like Irish Catholic fucking construction workers.
And like, I'm like the 15th funniest dude in my family.
Wait, your family's all construction workers?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And you couldn't finish a shed?
Yeah, my stepdad owns a huge construction company.
That's how trashy we are.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's why it's garbage.
I have an unfinished shed for 10 years.
Finally, like they, my mom was like.
It's like Thanksgiving when the whole family just please the fucking shed.
Yo, everybody, bring your hammers, dog.
We got a fucking roof to put on.
Yeah, it's super.
Yeah, we're super garbage.
We got a huge home in our basement waiting on an insurance check to come through.
Let's go.
Okay, yeah, but it's interesting because there's so many comics that come from Philly that have had a lot of success in New York, but I feel like Philly's not spoken about as a comedy city in the way that Boston is.
Well, I think it's distance.
It's like when you start getting good in Philly, you can still live in Philly and come up to New York a couple times a week to start getting your name in, start getting some reps, meeting people.
Whereas Boston dudes stayed in Boston, they stayed in Boston the whole time.
Philly is slept on as a talent city, like Will Smith, fucking boys to men, Kevin Hart.
There's massive people from Philly, and you don't think about it.
But I think comedy needs a couple of more big people from Philly because Boston had everybody you loved 10 years ago, whether it was Dan Cook or Luis C.K. or Trice O'Neal or Bill Burr.
They're all from Boston.
So you couldn't look away from it.
You're like, we slip in, too.
We slip in.
We slip in and then fucking, you know, get mixed up down the village for a few years.
They're games down here.
On this scene or over here.
You know what I mean?
We don't roll in Big Dick and we come in on the mega bus.
Yeah, true.
There's like, how do I say this?
Like they haven't had superstars yet.
They've had like New York stars outside of Kevin Hart.
Like we, if you came up in the New York comedy scene, like you saw these guys that came up from Philly.
Yeah.
Big Jay Ogerson.
Jay Keith.
Yeah, Kurt Metzger.
Like so many guys who come up from Philly.
So like in your head, you're like, man, these Philly dudes are hilarious.
But the only mega star so far is Kev.
So if you're somebody outside of New York, you might not be.
The four Boston guys I named, they were everybody.
Your favorite comic is one of those four.
Yeah, Paul from Boston.
Dude, back to the 80s.
Hicks from Boston?
No, Hicks was in Texas.
That's right.
Leno, I think, was from.
Leno was up there.
I think he went to school.
I don't know if he was from up there, but he went to school up there and started up.
Marin's up there as well.
That's right.
Yeah, they had a little move.
Also, they have the TV show, too.
And they had that movie when Stand-Up Stood Out, propaganda piece they put out.
But then also, them four is undeniable.
Like, fuck, that's one city.
You put that together and you're like, goddamn.
New York is, you know, New York is not to be slept on either, though.
Like, people coming from New York?
Yeah, like comedians.
Yeah, that's the thing I'm thinking.
Like, how many of us are actually from New York?
Rock, Rock, Seinfeld.
Eddie Murphy.
That's the new generation.
I'm trying to wonder, like, the new generation.
Oh, no, you guys stink now.
Isn't that crazy?
I'm trying to think who else besides me is Chrissy.
Oh, Chrissy, of course.
Yes, yes.
Ricky, Ricky, Pete, Pete, Pete.
Y'all doing it.
No, no, we're all right.
We are.
New Generation Stink00:05:01
That's a good point.
That's a good point.
I was just trying to think.
It's so weird.
Like, I even have these conversations with Ricky when we're coming up.
We're like, yo, who else is actually from the city?
And why aren't people doing it?
And maybe sometimes when it's so accessible to you, you don't lean into it.
You know, like when you're from outside of the place to be, you want it so much more because it's like right out of your life.
It was in lights to us.
It was like that fucking Hollywood sign.
So you're like, I want to go up there and do comedy.
Yeah, you're like, when are we moving to New York?
That was the conversation.
You're like, how do I get up there?
I got to get a job.
I can find some way to get up there.
And I think maybe sometimes people take it for granted when it's right in front of them.
It's like when these people that live on the beach don't surf.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
And it's just like, I don't know.
That happened to me even like in college.
I was like, I'm just going to go to college in California and surf all the time.
I surfed like twice.
It was like right there.
You know, you got to really fucking want it if it's right in front of you, man.
You had the board hanging up in your place, though?
Yeah.
No, now you're saying?
No.
Oh, back then?
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
Fucking literally.
Just doing nothing with it.
That'd be crazy if you had it now.
New York City apartment.
You got a surfboard up there.
Imagine.
Imagine.
All right, guys.
Let's take a break real quick because you're probably hungry.
You're probably listening to this podcast as you work from home and you can't go anywhere because it's fucking quarantined and they're shutting down indoor dining and you can't do shit.
So what are you going to do?
You're going to order food.
What app are you going to use?
Not any of these other bullshit apps.
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But they got 300,000 partners in the U.S., Puerto Rico, Canada, and Australia.
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When you download DoorDash and use the promo code Flagrant, man, save yourself some money, get yourself some delicious food, and let's get back to the show.
So have you guys done any stand-up like regularly?
I know you said you're going back to Ryersford.
Royersford PA tonight, yeah.
I mean, just like shit in the city.
Fucking, I did a, I did a weekend with up at Mohegan's Sun with Versey and they had it canceled midway through.
Oh, they got it.
Because somebody got COVID in the casino.
A week ahead.
She hadn't been there in a week, but.
A lot of people getting COVID right now, guys.
Not just me.
No.
So.
Are you scared at all?
Are you scared of getting it?
I mean that for real, dude.
Buddy.
I thought I took out a life insurance policy on the fucking guy.
I just signed a lease in Midtown on a studio space and I got all my eggs in Foley baskets.
I got the will written out and instructions what to do with my phone if I go down.
Yeah, we're ready to rock and roll.
No, but are you scared at all?
Did you get it?
I mean, not more than anybody else, I don't think.
Until now, shit, what the fuck?
It's just weird.
Nah, but for real.
I mean, you could die.
Yeah, scared of it.
When the little spike popped up in the comedy community, we locked everything down for a little bit.
You know what I mean?
Also, dude, we missed it by fucking.
Giannis was on his way to our, in the car, on his way to our studio.
He calls us.
Akash just called me.
I might have been exposed.
Dude, I felt like fucking Neo in the Matrix.
I was like, fucking kept that studio open, baby.
Yeah.
We were like 10 minutes, like 10, 20 minutes away from fucking all getting it.
You almost, you could have killed me.
Yo, low-key, this experience with like you giving us COVID and then seeing how quickly that shit spread.
It was awful.
Did you test positive for it?
Yeah.
What the fuck?
Oh, you didn't know that?
Oh, yeah.
That's right.
Nobody would know.
Yeah, it shut down production for the Netflix thing.
Oh, yeah, it was crazy.
Like, we were like, I don't know when we're going to be able to come back.
I literally tested positive the day before.
Sorry, tested negative the day before we filmed.
How long were you two around each other for him to get the couple hours?
Holy shit.
I didn't even do the pod.
That day, Chrissy and Giannis replaced me because we were working on the Netflix thing.
Okay.
So he was just in the studio with us.
Dude, this is how crazy.
That's crazy.
No, but think about it.
And literally, I've been like very critical, obviously, of like, you know, the government officials shutting everything down, this, that, the other.
And I was like, oh, he's fucking.
We're all messed up.
We're messed up all the time.
Now, I will say this.
This guy didn't have any symptoms.
He gives it to Giannis.
None of us have any symptoms.
I had a guy like give me a haircut, then went to go propose to his girl.
Thank God he didn't have it.
But he's going to Arizona, propose to his girl.
Then they're going to her family's house in Oregon.
Getting on a plane.
That's what I'm saying.
That's how this shit owes.
And whoever gave it to me did not see that many people.
I came straight from here, so I know I didn't give it to those, to the algae comics on the show.
They were like, I told you, they were at like Reading Terminal before just grabbing a meal in Philly.
Critical of Government Shutdowns00:09:47
And that might be where they got it.
And the scary thing is like, we used to think you could only give it to someone when you're feeling shitty.
Yeah.
And if that was the case, it's like, all right, you're fine.
Like, as long as you're not coughing, you're going to be.
Take your temperature.
Stay.
Yeah.
Stay.
This guy felt good.
I felt great.
Yep.
Do you know what I mean?
And then the whole fucking staff does it.
Yeah.
I don't know.
It was just a little.
Giannis got the day after he was exposed to me.
Interviewed Colin Quinn.
Colin Quinn got it.
You don't even feel symptoms until three to five days.
Yeah.
Like, it is nuts.
Yeah.
One thing I'll say if anybody's listening that helped, I think, did you take vitamin D the whole time?
Start taking vitamin D. I've been crushing vitamin D.
I think that helps.
If you get zinc, I've been taking zinc.
I got teachers.
Vitamin C vitamin.
He's on a daily dose of 15 mozzarella sticks.
So it's all good.
Bacon and eggs every morning.
Is that what you do every morning?
What's your breakfast?
What do you want to know?
Ho's gonna lie to you for sure.
Okay.
He's 100% going to lie to you.
What do you want to hear?
Half a grapefruit and I still got that chicken pong plant.
That's the doggy bag I'm going to heat up.
Breakfast lately has been eggs and bacon of some sort, but here's where I go wrong.
Wait a minute.
Can I just say one thing before we get to the point?
Here's where I go wrong.
Wait, hold on.
Oh, fuck.
Bacon?
Is that where you go wrong?
Okay, where do you go wrong?
I go wrong with no matter if we go to the health food store, because my girl tries to keep me healthy and stuff like that.
And I just went to the doctor, got a physical, all that stuff, so I'm trying to improve it.
But where I go wrong, it doesn't matter if it's good for your food or bad for your food.
I'm going to eat too much of it.
Like, what would you guys say is the normal serving of an English muffin, of English muffin?
How many English muffins?
The fact that you think that's health food is crazy.
I'm just saying.
I'm just using it as an example.
That's the word muffin.
Let's say toast.
That's okay.
Let's say spelt bread at the fucking at that.
Two slices.
Two.
Yeah.
You say two slices.
That's interesting.
That's a viewpoint.
Sure.
What do you got?
Dude feels a bit excessive.
Two?
Nah, nah, you can go two.
Two is, you know, you do two.
Two is legit.
But like, you're, you should be good at two.
Yeah.
Well, how many of you have?
Wait, two sandwiches worth.
Like, so four slices of muffin.
I'm being serious.
Two slices?
Yeah.
Two slices.
Yo, I don't eat bread.
That's good.
Yo, if you want to get back and shake.
I get to okay.
This is my dream.
Everybody with the keto.
I know what you're doing.
Hold on, Carol.
I know what I'm doing.
We did a new keto.
We did a keto.
We did that on our podcast.
You know what two do.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Those are two very exact things.
I know what to do.
But no, no, this is, this is a, this is.
I'm like Rembrandt.
I'm off on my own.
I realized when we were talking on the podcast, we didn't do it.
But here's the thing.
I think in the spirit of your show, there's probably nothing more garbage than the fat dude that loses all the weight and then starts wearing like the tight clothes and like really showing up a lot and really leaning into it.
That's a garbage thing to do, is it not?
Here's the thing.
In the spirit of your show, even if you gain all the weight back, at one point in your life, you have to lose everything and then start dressing like me.
Yeah.
I mean, I want to see like skin in your ripped jeans.
Listen, I'm going to tell you, there's breakups.
The only thing worse, the only thing sadder than being worser.
That's an 870 for you, folks.
What's an 870?
That's his SAT scores.
Mr. 870, we call him around areugarbage.com.
Oh, my God.
I think I beat that on math, to be honest with you.
The only thing worse.
It's true.
If you got higher, if you're a dude who got higher in, what is it, English?
English.
It was English.
Yeah, English and English.
If you got higher in English, you're gay, bro.
That's 100%.
Yeah, I had a higher math.
You got to have higher math, dude.
Okay, go on.
Here's the thing.
The only thing worse than being the fat guy is being the fat guy that just lost weight.
No, it's not.
Dude, because the way the face is...
That's the fact seeping into his brain.
He's convinced himself of that.
He's got to convince himself not to lose weight.
Yeah, you do.
You want to lose it slow, naturally.
No.
Three seconds.
That ain't working for you.
Then you scale back.
What the fuck are you talking about?
Wait, hold on.
The fact that I want to do this because we did it on our body.
I don't lie to my face.
You know what's funny is you stung me.
Listen, I don't know why we're going this way in the conversation.
I'll entertain this for a little bit.
I don't care about you.
We want you to live.
I was told I was going to come in here and have a good time.
No!
We gave you this seat with no signs.
Yeah.
We had to reframe the whole fucking room with the camera.
We need you to live.
Alex was in here last night.
We got a structural engineer.
Maybe if we had a drone, we can fly it above.
Let me see a picture of this kid.
Oh, my God.
Okay, go.
Go.
I recently went to the doctor, got my physical.
I'm on a...
like the Boss and Monster Singer, i'm on a path now.
I'm exercise.
I'm exercising to a degree every day.
We're pulling back.
So this, this is this is just conversation, but you really stung me.
You got to hold on.
Did you hear that sentence?
I'm exercising here.
I'm exercising to a degree every day.
Put the butter on the table.
My doctor said I should walk a half an hour a day.
That's all I mean.
I don't even think i'm out there doing a crossfit.
You're not using walk the burger king.
I don't want to misrepresent myself.
I'm i'm, i'm walking exercises.
But I will say there was a lot.
There was that turn of like, all right, it's not really funny anymore.
We're worried about stuff like that.
And you stung me with one, maybe like three months ago.
I said it with love.
I hope I didn't say anything mean, but go ahead.
Well here's, I didn't know what you I you, I was, I was.
You bugged me out because, like you did it so sincerely and like I was, we were.
We were doing a rooftop show, all right, and uh, and I was hosting and I was standing in the corner.
I just lit the person like, literally now i'm in, you know, i'm hosting people in the apartment below banging on the ceiling.
They just heard you fee fi-fo.
Fun up to the mic.
Hey, knockout the basketball game up there.
Are you, excuse me, laying on the couch?
Jurassic Park downstairs?
I just got the water shake cold, clever girl so dear.
Um okay no, but you walked up so I was like in like the zone, you know, I was in the zone, I was about to leave so I had to talk to you at that point.
And he walks out and he like gingerly puts his hand on my shoulder and he looks at me right in the end and he goes, why'd you have to describe with more food?
There was a lot of steaks on the table, just the way the cookie crumbled that day.
He gave me a full entree.
He gave me two entrees of advice um, and he like looked me right in the eye and he's like, are you okay?
And I was like I think I was like sweat, I would.
You're sweating now dude, I don't.
I don't want to say anything.
I was on like four edibles at the time so I wasn't really sure what you were alluding to.
So i'm still, cheesecakes, buddy smoke cakes and tea.
Oh my god, y'all okay, go go.
So fatty, eats his weed.
Yeah, you go to the weed guy here, come on, he's looking you in the rib right, all right go go, go.
And he just said, are you okay?
And like, he said it sincerely and he's like you know, things are starting to happen.
Now you have to take care of yourself and that meant a lot to me yes, and I I that was like right after that is when I scheduled my doctor's appointment.
I got insurance and all that stuff and i'm on my way.
I'm in the middle of like seven different appointments right now.
You know what I mean?
That's amazing.
I went got my chest x-ray, my ekg was fine, all that kind of stuff.
I am pre-diabetic yeah, pre-pre-diabetic.
He keeps adding more preys on it and I don't even know if that's medically.
He said good news.
It's a little, you know, just finding that a little bit.
Well, I said when he was going to the doctor he was petrified and I said dude, the best thing come out of this is like a little bit of a scan, like i'm like I don't if they come back and say you're the healthiest guy i've ever met in my life, the governor's off and you're gonna be dead in a month, like you need to get checked and scared to change your behavior, and it I think it has.
It's all very nice what I said, quit smoking.
I'm on the nicotine gum now.
Yeah, what's crazy is nicotine actually is a thermogenic.
It helps you lose weight, which is hilarious.
That's why I take it.
But he now eats, he now chews the gum, so he also eats the cigarettes still.
He quit smoking them and now he eats them, just takes an ashtray and just dumps the fucking parliaments and a little mustard.
Not too bad.
What I said to you and I mean this is everything you were just turn on me.
You brought it up.
I did not bring it up.
Yes, you did.
Yeah, the second, we had to get into it.
You were asking me if I was scared because of Yeah.
No, you would never have brought this intervention.
That's what this was.
That's what it was.
Yeah, Kosh was like, these cameras even on.
Damn.
Well, I brought up all your garbage.
I was like, you have this incredible thing.
Everything you worked for is about to come true.
And this is going to be the best time.
The way up is the best.
I'm worried you're not going to get to enjoy it fully if you're overweight.
And when you said that, I took it to heart.
You did because you called me.
Yeah.
He was like, dude, Akash got like it fucking shook him to the core.
I said it with love.
And I was like thinking about it.
Like, I can't come down on this camera.
Of course you did.
And I really appreciate it.
And there was one or there was, you know, a couple of incidents like that.
I texted you beforehand.
Like, has he gained weight?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because you texted me.
You texted me about him.
And then he was like, Akash said something to me last night.
I was like, oh, I'm, dog.
I get why a pandemic makes anybody.
They were giving away frozen pizzas at the trade fair.
I'm a fucking human being over here.
The point is, I cared off the trade fair.
That's my local grocery store.
Oh, I thought that's like where you learn how to be a carpenter.
CHI Institute or something.
They thought he was multitasking.
I was working on a two-stroke motor.
Gained Weight Text Message00:06:20
No.
So, yeah, the way I see it, it's behind us.
We're moving forward and we're done.
And I didn't take it anything but with love.
And anybody who said anything, I haven't taken anything but with love.
Yeah, but then there gets to this annoying point where you're like, people are trying to give me life advice.
Oh, yeah, it is there.
Because you know it is there because you know this thing.
It's not like they're telling you something.
That's what I'm saying.
I know how many English muffins you're supposed to have.
Here's the thing.
He runs out of breath in simple sentences.
It also is selfish on our part because, like, as your friend, you feel like you got to say it because if you don't, you're an asshole.
But it's really the salad fork.
You guys want to make yourselves feel better.
You're talking about a waiter at the restaurant.
No, that's what I'm saying.
What I'm saying is, like, if I don't say anything to you, I got to get it off my chest.
Yeah.
You got to clear your conscience.
I got to clear my conscience.
So at the funeral, you could be like, I told you.
That's right.
I did my best.
I had him on the show.
I tried to talk to him.
You're fat.
We good?
That's it.
Say it right into the camera.
It is weird, but I do think there's part of it.
No, 100%.
Any friend I've had who struggle with like substances or whatever, I've been like, yo, if I don't say something and something happens, this guy, it's on you.
Yeah, yeah.
It's a selfish.
It has selfish motives, for sure.
I can tell you this, it worked.
I quit smoking.
I'm walking around the track with my girl almost every day, and we've reduced what we ate.
And she's going to take a little bit of time, and it's going to be great.
Yeah, you got this.
Yeah.
I'm like, can we do lunch here?
Can we order in?
What's going on?
You guys got a Jimmy Johns close by you can talk to?
All right, boys.
So what else?
What is next?
What happens with the pod?
What are you guys' dreams about it?
I don't know, man.
I'm curious about this.
I took a page right out of it.
I talked to you about it.
I took a page out of fucking shit.
Come on.
We're Team Schultzy the whole way.
Yeah.
Because we built like, so we made a set.
It's a great place.
We rented a studio.
We rented a space in Midtown, turned it into a studio all in like fucking four days.
Like wild, so we didn't miss any episodes.
And it looks like a basement.
We put up like wood paneling.
It looks like your fucking aunt's basement or whatever.
I can't imagine he slept.
Yeah, yeah, for sure.
A lot of the shit is from his house.
Like we went back to our parents' house and like got all these old fucking tchotchkis and shit.
He's got his football jersey hanging up on the wall and like framed.
Old number 62.
What's that, Tchotchki?
Tchotchki is like a white guy thing for a knickknack.
Oh, okay.
There's a knickknack still kind of awake on it.
It's called the office space.
That's why I'm talking about how many tchotchkis you got on.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Or that flare, pieces of flare.
The rest of us call tchotchkes.
Yeah, it was pieces of flare.
CSU guys got this great studio.
So we built the studio.
Toby's producing.
Toby's producing it.
He fucking came in.
The video quality is fucking.
We're like running.
It's cool because it's like, there's three of us, and one of them's him.
So there's two of us.
And we're really fucking just like running and gunning.
It's exciting.
We're growing every fucking week.
YouTube's been really good for you guys.
YouTube's been great.
Yeah, man.
Literally just following the fucking Schultzy model.
As you should, I text him as things like as I'm like making a decision.
I'm like, hey, how about this?
He's like, that seems right to me.
I'm like, oh, well, Schultz said it.
We're doing it.
Well, anything you guys need, we are here for you, man.
Any way we can help.
I think it's just so great.
But if there's one piece of advice that I would give you, and I've given you a million times, I'm not going to say anymore unless you do it.
It's making a 10-minute episode of this.
It's just the highlights.
Just take the Are You Garbage section.
I'm telling you, that explodes.
That's that's the next thing.
We're just fucking hemmed up production.
If he comes up with a movie, every person that comes out with a movie will want to do that little 10-minute thing.
It just separates it.
It feels like its own show.
And then you get a sponsor for that.
Hefty will sponsor it.
Yeah.
Like, if I'm a garbage.
Literally, if you're a garbage bag company, would you not?
Well, it's funny they do advertise.
Like, YouTube puts Hefty commercials in front of the fucking in front of the show.
Depending on what they're doing.
No, but also they don't.
They just see the word garbage.
Garbage.
Yeah.
YouTubing garbage.
Yeah.
Also, the people that are watching our show aren't buying name-brand fucking trash bags.
You know what I mean?
They're using like the shopping bag.
Yeah.
50-gallon bag on the 10-gallon can.
If you've ever taken the bag from the grocery store and like hooked it around the knob or something and push it in, and that's the trash bag.
Definitely garbage.
Yeah.
I need to see that.
That's a big New York thing, though.
I need to see this 10 minutes.
We're doing it.
I mean, you told me.
After your episode came out, you texted me.
You're like, dude, do cut it at a 10-minute version.
It's like, yeah, I mean, I just, I mean, at that point, I was doing all the production.
I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.
Call Toby.
We'll have a call with Toby, but I want lights changed.
I want it to be dramatic.
Yeah, tell Toby.
Toby's already got a laundry list of shit to do.
He's going to love a phone call with more responsibility.
He wants to be a millionaire, but yes, but bust out cigarettes.
Like, you guys got to get into character a little bit.
Like, what would be the most garbage thing to do?
Like, drink a diet, Dr. Pepper.
Yeah, like that.
You're a big Dr. Pepper guy.
Diet cherry pepper.
He's a big Dr. Pepper guy.
Trashiest cigarette.
Dr. Pib is garbage.
Dr. Pepper is classic.
The trashiest soda is a cherry vanilla diet, Dr. Pepper.
That is the official beverage of the garbage nation.
That or Mountain Dew's talk.
Any brand, any version of Mountain Dew's talk.
No, it's got to be a diet because that's the trashier thing.
If you're drinking regularly, you're drinking regular soda like that.
You're owning yourself.
Coming at Dr. Pepper, buddy.
It's a doctor, okay?
It's got a degree.
That's why it's the diet.
It's the diet that makes it trash.
And it's bottled in Texas.
These are two things very different.
Dude, Texas people, we found out Texas people are diehard Dr. Pepper.
They don't fuck with anything.
Like, they don't fuck with anything else.
It's like, yo, we're a Dr. Pepper fan.
Dr. Pepper's like, one, like, through and through, bloodline, generations, Dr. Pepper.
Fucking wild.
It's like a part of the culture there.
It's weird.
Also, we call every soda.
We're compared to not that.
Yeah, that's South does that.
If they're standing on a flag for Dr. Pepper, we're throwing batteries at people.
That's why we're trash.
You're not coming here with that Mr. Pibbs and shit.
Okay.
Yeah, come on.
I got to see it.
I got to see it.
We'll do it.
We'll do it.
We're just, we're, you know, we're getting our legs in the new studio once we get everything ironed out.
And I like how your mind works.
That, like, you know, you like, like, you did it and then you had notes.
I love that.
Yeah.
I mean, if I see people doing shit right, one, if I, if I see people that are curious and like with good intentions, I always love to help as much as I can.
But when you're doing it right, I'm like, there might be a tiny little thing that you could change that's going to have way bigger results.
Sure, I like it.
There's also, there's a thing, too.
We noticed that every time we're doing it, there's something it's very noticeable.
You even call it out in yours.
Behind the Curtain Notes00:09:26
There's always a moment, like 10, 15, 20 minutes in, where it clicks in the guest head.
And like, we see it.
And they go.
They're no longer like, oh, so I started comedy doing it or whatever.
It's like they're telling the story about a memory that they haven't thought about in 20 years.
And it's like they blink and then like blink again.
And they're like, fuck.
And you even stood up.
You're like, oh, fuck.
Okay.
You're like, I fucking like.
Yeah, you're like, dude, let's go.
You start every episode with that moment.
Just real quick.
It should be like 15 seconds.
Damn, you're good.
My mom would make macaroni.
Where are you in that one?
With the blah, blah, blah.
Like, my mama made macaroni cheese with, and then stop it.
Yeah, that's the end of the thing.
Because now they're like, I need to.
I'm hooked on that.
Damn, you're good, Schultz.
Because think about it.
Like, you guys are in acquisition mode.
Obviously, we all are.
Yeah.
But, like, maybe we're at a place right now where people are familiar with Akash.
They're familiar with something from other avenues.
Well, the thing is, we're nobody.
Exactly.
We have no following.
And what I say exactly, I'm not trying to be insulting.
What I'm trying to say is, like, everybody that's finding you is right now, they're coming to you because of either the person you're talking to or the conversation you're having.
Yes.
Right?
So, those are the most important things driving at 100%.
Whereas for us, somebody can be like, oh, I love Akash's stand-up.
I want to check out Flagrant.
Oh, I love Andrew Stand-Up or like the monologue videos.
Well, he does a podcast too.
I'll check that.
You guys, we only have the show, yeah.
Blah, blah, blah.
Well, no, no, this is, and it's great.
And as the show gains popularity, now all of a sudden they're tuning in for you guys.
Yeah, of course.
And then the guest could be a complete no-name, but you're going to give them equity through your fans.
Well, we noticed that because we'll do that.
He's already good.
I'm literally just for everybody.
Oh, because we started to, I'm like, long term, it's unsustainable to have to interview someone because we're cranking out two episodes a week.
You're interviewing a different comic every week.
So we come up with a formula to bring people back and stuff like that.
And it's been a lot of fun.
But also, I'm like, at the end of the day, we have to make them fans of ours, which they don't realize they are because we'll release, like, today we released an episode of Just Me and Him.
Yeah.
And it does the same numbers as like a regular fucking comedian.
You should continue to do that.
Yeah.
Every once in a while, you absolutely should.
You guys can have your games, you know, for the guard.
But I just thought it was such a fun thing.
We get the fans involved.
We answer their questions.
Yeah, that's part of the Patreon.
When you win a Patreon, and we figured out a way to bring guests back, which we want to have both of you guys back to the.
I'm not coming back until I can do the 10-minute thing.
Fair enough.
But we read the Patreon questions to the, we call it company, having company over.
Are you garbage?
And then it's a 10-minute, what is it called?
I mean, the 10-minute would be instead of making that 15 seconds, 15 seconds, and back of the podcast, wouldn't it just be that's it?
And then you go from that moment, from that light bulb moment, and then the rest of theoretically, theoretically.
What is it called when the interrogation?
That's what it should be.
It should be like an interrogation.
Yeah, something to sit down to.
Yeah, you guys gotta.
Yeah, that's kind of what it is.
What's the most garbage cigarette?
Paul Mall's, probably.
Paul Malls.
Parliament's up there.
Parliament's army.
Parliament's son of classic.
That's classic here.
That's new money.
That's trash.
That's conditioning every day.
But I want to see George Clooney on this.
Yeah.
You know what I'm saying?
What the fuck?
So do I.
No, no, but like, I'm saying potential.
Like, the more bougie the person is.
George?
Finding out garbage is so likable for them.
I know, but this is behind the curtain a little bit.
This is my concern.
Why should we not stop until we get Paul Rudd?
That's what I want.
I want Rudd.
Well, perfect.
But here's the thing: the genius, and I'll rarely use this with Jimmy Fallon, but the genius of Jilly Fallon's show, right?
Is that the games he's playing with the guests make the guests look vulnerable?
Every other show is usually, look how fun you are, look how great you are.
So this show is a device for vulnerability.
Akash is out here.
Hold on, okay.
Go, go.
No, but it's not genuine.
What Jimmy Fallon is doing isn't genuine vulnerability.
On our show, we're all real babies.
I don't think fucking Tom Cruise will come in and be like, dude, you drank milk for dinner.
You're a fucking loser.
I don't think he's going to be.
You're going to say that to him.
Yeah.
You guys are going to be in this position where you get to call this famous person who's way more successful than you guys garbage, right?
And it makes them look better if they're laughing at how garbage they were.
They look cool.
I don't think they would play along with it that well.
Let me tell you, they have to because one, one, it's vulnerable and likable.
It's relatable.
The more bougie and successful you get, the less relatable you are.
Adam Sandler has been wearing the same stupid outfits for his whole life just so he can trick us into thinking he's not worth $400 million.
Yeah, shout out to the sandman doing it right now.
He's genius for that.
But he's like, look how every day you've never seen him in a suit.
You've never seen him in a suit.
Hey, look at me.
I go to the YMCA and play pickup.
He don't want to do that.
But he knows he's got a movie coming out and he's got to get some buzz on TMZ.
So this is a perfect opportunity to see how, quote unquote, relatable.
And it's up to you guys to make a genuine thing.
I like it.
Yeah.
And you said that from the beginning.
You said, I think when we came up with it, it was just a way to make fun of each other.
Yes.
But then I even use what you said in the pitch when, you know, when I'm feeling myself and somebody asked me what the podcast you have or what's behind it is you said it humanizes comedians.
Yeah.
And that's that was really true.
And I noticed that a lot.
I always say this on Mark Norman's episode to hear how he, like what I thought he grew up like and to hear how he actually grew up.
Yeah.
It's like, oh, this all makes sense now.
You can see the pieces of the comedian that's in front of you being built.
Well, and I could easily do that with even Hollywood elites.
They, to Schultz's point, they don't want to seem elite.
They know they are that, but they don't.
I don't agree with you.
I don't know what this bozo's talking about.
That's it.
Cut the cameras.
It's over.
I'll take Cooney and Tom Cruise tomorrow.
You know who really works on that?
It's like Kim Kardashian.
The more bougie they are, the more that their perception is elite and rich, the more valuable a conversation about their garbaginess will be.
They're going to be so eager to be garbage.
Yeah.
And not only are they going to be so eager to be it, everybody, even if they aren't garbage, has one garbage thing.
And I'm telling you, when you find out that it's garbage, like what Akash went through with milk, what he went through these, when you start to realize with conditioner, when you start to realize he's selling yourself, it's unbeknownst to you because the last thing that you want to do is walk around every day going, God, I grew up kind of like fronting about who I was.
We always say that's the, you know, it's a show that we want to bring people together from all different walks of life.
Yeah, cut that gay shit, bro.
Yeah, he always does the fucking elevator pitch.
The point is, is that we're that would, that we're all garbage.
Yes, no, I agree.
I agree.
I agree.
Coming to Disney Plus.
I just think it's awesome, man.
I'm just very excited for you guys.
I really want.
Yeah, I just really want.
I really want people to find out about it.
I really do, man.
That's why I know when we were doing this, I just, I think the guys really like it.
Go check it out.
And you guys are putting out like clips and that kind of stuff.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Everything changes if you do the 10-minute version.
I love it.
Yeah, I agree.
That's the next step.
We're just getting our foot.
Sure.
Yeah, you guys on YouTube, right?
I'll try to find these little series.
And there's like a British YouTube channel called Unilad or something like that, or like Lad Bible, something like that, right?
They do this show, and it's seven minutes with or 13 minutes with, nine minutes with, and then they just kind of have a person who's got an interesting life, a terminally ill person.
Yeah.
A pedophile hunter, like a heroin addict.
And it's just nine minutes, but you get to hear from the actual person what their life is about.
And they just target the most interesting or intriguing person.
The fact that it's got nine minutes in the title, for whatever reason, makes me go, this is not, this is no time.
I can learn everything I want about nine or nine minutes.
And then I'm fucking up.
You condense a lifetime into nine minutes.
Literally their entire life.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And it's just something about that making it so digestible.
You watch a few of those and then you end up falling in love with the host.
And then you're just like, oh, God, I just want to see anybody on this show.
It's super fun.
And you find, I just love it.
Yeah, cut the fat, Bozo.
What I've been telling you.
Talking about cutting the fat.
What are you talking about?
Fuck.
I thought you were on purpose.
I thought you were self-aware.
No, he's not that smart.
870, we said his weight and SAT score.
All right, guys, let's take a break real quick because I got to tell you, I think I found something better than coffee.
Not I think.
I know.
I'm basically off of coffee.
I still love the ritual.
I'll still drink it.
But when I really need to focus and lock in, you know what I do?
I pop to Neuroroot.
I am not bullshitting you at all.
It is the perfect thing to focus.
As a matter of fact, I think it's even hard to get right now because they're sold out.
But as soon as they get more, I'm getting more.
It is a one-of-a-kind nootropic, which boosts your brain function.
And it's got a sublingual tincture.
So you can, you know, put it under your tongue if you don't want to take a tech capsule because you're a loser.
But all you got to do, take Neuroroot.
You get better brain function, better memory development, a positive mood.
You're living great.
You're clear-headed.
It has vitamin B6, muconopurines, a bunch of other shit.
That's a precursor to dopamine.
Guys, I don't understand the science.
Even though I'm Indian, I should.
I don't.
But take Neuroroot.
Feel energetic and clear-headed.
It's a fucking no-brainer.
All you got to do is go to neuroroot.com/slash flagrant.
That is N-E-U-R-O.
Didn't even look at the fucking copy for that.
R-O-O-T.com slash flagrant and use the code flagrant and you get 20% off.
Guys, do it.
I promise you it will work.
It's very simple.
Get it done.
Neuroroot Brain Function Boost00:07:10
Now let's get back to the show.
Okay, so what you guys got coming up, man?
Like I said, we just...
Make sure you pitch out.
Look, what are the YouTube channels?
Say it all.
I want everybody to know about it.
We just went out on our own.
We left the network we were with.
We went on our own, fucking rolling the dice, betting on ourselves.
So it's fucking rolling the dice.
Fucking Marky Mark over here.
You said that.
We're betting on ourselves.
You guys leave Gas Digital.
Because we wanted to feel a different thing.
We wanted to do it.
Yeah, we wanted to have our own thing.
They were great.
Unbelievable.
He built his own world and you built your own world.
I would look at his hyenas and Tim Jones.
I'm like, that's what I want.
I don't want to just be a show on a roster.
I want a fucking universe, you know?
Absolutely.
So the podcast is Are You Garbage?
Wherever you get podcasts, iTunes, Spotify, all that bullshit.
YouTube is YouTube slash are you garbage?
Full HD video available there and patreon.com slash are you garbage.
We do bonuses.
Yeah.
You know, like we did the McRib taste test.
We played Are You Garbage with our moms.
We called our moms to find out who was more garbage.
Who's more garbage?
Who do you think?
They were both neck and neck.
It was tough.
My mom got a little political at one point.
She just started shitting on Fox News that they, because she's a Republican and she's like, oh, they, because they called like Arizona earlier or something.
So she was like, we don't watch that in this house anymore.
Like, she real fucking.
A lot of wine's flowing down there.
Is she on like One American News or whatever?
Well, she's, well, yeah, whatever Trump's going to come out with, she's fucking, she's, she's fullboard.
They want to move to Florida.
Hired the Trump News Network.
Oh, yeah, dude.
Oh, let's go.
So, okay.
Now, is that tricky?
What?
Navigating that?
With my mom?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, like, I, like, when I go home, I'm going to.
I'm going to have a couple of wines in her start spouting off of the mouth.
I haven't been home since the election, obviously, because like COVID and shit.
Yeah, yeah.
So it might be dicey, but like, also, I don't engage with her about it, really.
We'll have like an educated conversation.
Yo, our parents used to say, like, I don't talk politics.
That generation.
That's all they're doing.
Well, what?
Till Facebook came around and that's all they fucking.
They're just sharing all this bonkers.
People in the burbs, they don't got shit to do.
They're sitting around fucking arguing over this shit while drinking fucking white.
People in the city argue about this shit all the time.
I know.
But we go home and we want to sit and relax with our family and stuff like that.
Then you have like some cousin that chimes in with it.
So I think that's why they're always yapping about it down there.
Shouldn't talk about politics.
It ain't worth it.
Nah.
Maybe Facebook, the reason why they do it on the faces is because they can disconnect from it, right?
True.
So it's like if you're at dinner with the whole fam and somebody brings it up and you know it's just going to be like this huge fight, it's not worth it.
But you don't come at it from the emotional.
You know what I mean?
Like they can't separate you're in person, you're online.
So it's like they say something over the dinner table that's like you could tell would be all in caps on Facebook like a fucking psycho.
You know what I mean?
And it's like, dude, fucking relax.
I want to know about like the Trump political dinner conversation.
Like, do you have brothers or sisters or anything?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Are they also conservative?
Tell me about the family fights.
That's what's going on.
Yeah, well, like, especially when I go home and it's all like my fucking meathead uncles and cousins and shit, they're like, ah, there's the Democrat, the New York Democrat.
Like, are you liberal?
Uh, I would, uh, no, but to them, he's in the entertainment, yeah.
I mean, liberal is defined on Twitter.
No, I, you know, I'm not far left insane liberal.
I, you know, I call balls and strikes is the way I like to put it.
You know what I mean?
Like, he knows who tuck in his Eagles jersey, so he's considered a liberal.
Yeah, um, you know what I mean?
I know that you, Deshaun Jackson shirt tucked in, Mr. Fancy Pants up there in New York.
You and Chuck Schumer, huh?
You and Schuma.
Yeah, you're supposed to tuck in buttons to your boots.
That's a nice shirt, dude.
You're good to go out there.
Oh, my God.
I didn't get it.
He's got an extra Eagles jersey.
That tucking it in was the proper thing.
Yeah.
Like a fucking gentleman, dude.
You know what I mean?
You're going to ask me.
Oh my God.
If you're going to walk into Home Depot with no mask on, you better have your fucking jersey tucked in.
You know what I'm saying?
Come fucking correct.
Oh, my God.
Right?
Hey, dude.
Yes, that's great.
Okay.
So then you go, you have these conversations.
They think that you're this like kind of liberal pussy because they exist in this Facebook world where if you're not 100% on board with Trump, then you are a communist.
Yeah, well, it's also, it's like they allow.
Also, this is your family.
You know who the frolic is.
Trump's important girl who's on Twitter and just like these fucking pussy ass.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're related to them.
We're not that crazy, but like I wouldn't be nuts.
Like one of my cousins would have married her, kind of.
You know what I mean?
She wouldn't be bloodline, but like she would marry into the family.
Pretty sexy, though.
What did she say in your DM?
She damned him.
Yo, really?
She listens to the pod.
She's like, yeah, my friends are telling me that you guys are talking about me on the pod.
I'd love to come on the pod and talk about it.
Brilliant.
No, no, flavor.
Oh, shit.
Damn.
You're going to have her?
Let's see how the election pans out.
Maybe we'll do like the, maybe if Trump concedes, we'll do like the first interview with her after.
Oh, that's pretty good.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Biden 2020, motherfucker.
Okay, but go on.
Yeah, so it's just like, but it's also very, and I think, you know, this is my two cents.
It's very the let me clarify the question that I'm curious about here.
Is you were not a stranger on Facebook to your mother.
Your mother knows who you are, knows the type of person you are, type of human you are.
And I'm wondering if she can detach your disagreement politically from how she feels about you as a human being.
Or is she so wrapped up in the politics that that is clouding her judgment of even her own son?
No, not at all.
Not at all.
Will she run you over in her Camaro?
Depends what protest I'm at.
No, not at all.
She's not like that.
Except like sometimes when we do, we will engage.
And I'm like, you know what?
Fuck it.
I got nothing to do this afternoon.
Like, let's fucking roll up the sleeves and get into it.
Yeah, yeah.
It's like, you know, it'll be like, you know, the pro wall or whatever.
And like, I'm coming at from like, I'm like, I think that's not a good idea for humanity.
Or like, you know, like, and she's like, oh, you fucking liberal.
And I'm like, you raised me to be a nice person.
Sorry, no one's kids in cages.
You bestowed that upon me as a child.
Like, you know, and so it's like that stuff.
And then like, it eventually goes, all right, well, let's just move on.
Like, why do you never solve anything?
Yeah.
Why do you think that specifically with Trump, it's become so political?
Like, I didn't remember it to be this charged up in the past.
Did you?
Like, was your mom this chart up about Bob Dole?
No, well, it's all, I mean, you know, it's probably a lot of things go into with social media.
It's everybody's now thinks they have an opinion in a brand or whatever.
Like, this is what I post.
This is what I share.
Like, everybody thinks they're a fucking corporation.
So they're getting more feedback on their opinions than they ever had in the past.
But then it becomes an Facebook makes it an echo chamber or whatever.
You know what I mean?
Like, so it's like, I'm only going to share this fucking wacko post that I know is going to get a bunch of likes from these wackos that where did that come from?
I think people just got pushed, you know, they're, they got pushed to the back of the wall a little bit.
And I think the left, you know, forces it down their throat so much that people like that were like in the middle, they see that and they're like, oh, well, fuck this.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
It was just a really bad, perfect storm of everybody not shutting the fuck up.
And then Trump was the one guy that was like, you matter to me.
Dad Money and Relationships00:15:35
And then, yeah, then he cultivated that very ingeniously.
Yeah.
Yeah.
He took advantage of a culture war that he probably assisted creating.
Yeah.
But I do think too, like, I don't know.
I'm looking at it from my perspective as I'm a 34-year-old fucking guy.
And it's like, you do, it is proven that like as you get older, you tend to be more conservative, right?
Like, that's how it trends, right?
There was a, I don't know who said it.
I heard the saying it's like until you like hit an amount of money where you'll always be okay.
And then you become this like charitable liberal.
You know, like Bill Gates was like the most conservative.
He's a piece of shit his entire life.
And the second he became the richest manager.
He's like, I should probably give away a lot of it.
There's a whole movie about how he fucked Steve Jobs.
And now he's giving away everything.
Yeah, he's his sweetheart.
So there is like a, you know, what is it?
It comes full circle.
Yeah, that's what's that.
But keep going.
I forget where I was.
But you're talking about as you get older, you become more conservative.
Yeah, so there's the saying of like responsible.
If you show me a liberal over he has no if you're if you show me a liberal over 30, I'll show you an idiot.
Or no, if you show me if you're under 30 and you're liberal, you don't have a heart.
And if you're over 30 and you're a liberal, you don't have money.
Oh.
Yes, exactly.
But a brain, yeah.
But it's also too late.
You have no money.
I'm a liberal.
I know, but like now we're like, we're talking about like, like, you know, my fed, my parents are talking about money and like wills and shit.
And now like I'm looking at money and I'm like, ah, pretty conservative guy now.
You know what I mean?
Like it's not so fucking bad.
Why is the government going to give money off of them dying?
Yeah, I'm like, hey, paid tax already.
I got to pay tax on it.
Fucking bullshit.
That's crazy.
Well, shout out to Trump.
He upped it.
He upped it, by the way.
He upped what?
He unted the death tax.
Well, he upped the allowed for like up to like $11 million or something.
You don't have to pay tax.
You don't have to pay.
It is quite absurd, though.
Why should you?
I'm doing some research.
But no, for real, why, why?
Can someone explain the death tax?
Like, why do you have to pay money for your folks dying?
Because it's viewed as income.
That's the way they view it.
They view it as it's an income to you.
It's not your money.
So no money can change hands up to $15,000 a year every year to person.
That is interesting.
So you could gift me $15,000 a year if you want to.
It's up to you completely.
I'm not sure.
I thought it was $10.
It's gone up.
It's going up.
It's $15,000 now a year.
You can gift anybody.
Do you know why I know that?
It's $10,000.
Is this garbage?
Shawshank redemption.
Yeah, exactly.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And the Sopranos.
She was trying to hide the money from Tony that she took out of the bird fooder.
Another food thing.
Where's the bird guest?
He was looking at that bird feeder, like, God damn, if I get my hands on that bird feeder, it'd be fucking back.
You're going off political.
It's out of my realm.
You guys want to talk about toasters?
You know what the true question I was wondering?
And also, I'm curious because Alex is, I'm the only minority in the room.
Alex is not talking on a mic.
Jordan's not here, bro.
Jordan, I don't know.
I didn't want to assume.
I assume half white, but half black.
All black.
All right, good for you.
She's doing it right there.
She's winning.
All right.
Cold pizza.
Eating cold pizza, garbage or no?
It is, but it's awesome.
Yeah, it's, you know, it's the exception.
It's one of the exceptions of the rule where it's like, you should be a gentleman and take the time to fucking heat it up.
I mean, what's a couple of minutes, you know?
But you can't heat it up in the mic.
You have to go oven.
You go oven, toaster, whatever you got.
You do have that time and zoom.
A toaster oven.
Oh, okay.
Not just fucking dipping the fucking toaster on the side.
Dude, I just saw that for the first time.
Holy shit.
Pauli's going to have three toasters going at home.
For research purposes, let me tell you something I know about Kippie.
He only has a toaster oven.
If you tried to propose the idea of a toaster oven and a toaster, he's going to be like, why would I give a lot of oven?
We were a toaster oven family.
Not had a toaster.
My stepmom tried to bring a toaster into my dad's house and we were like, whoa, Get this fucking commie bullshit out of here.
I need a fucking proper toaster oven.
Yeah.
Wait, why did she try to present it?
She just said, we came down one day and it was just like a toaster in the fucking thing.
We were like, not like, no, she's like, you're not going to use the toaster.
I'm like, fuck, no, we're not using that.
Like, this is a toaster oven fucking household, toots.
You know what I mean?
Toots.
She didn't last that long.
He broke up.
Yeah, they got divorced.
I mean, she moved in and the toaster omega.
Yeah, she was at the toaster at the beginning of the end.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, she was there for most of the time, you know, a chunk of my childhood.
15 years.
Why'd they break up?
I don't know.
I don't talk to your dad.
You don't talk to your dad.
Now we're trash.
Wait, why?
Money.
He got a rich stepdad.
He brought the whole coffee maker home one time.
I never spoke to him again.
He tried to bring him up.
Dude, he tried to curry.
I said, yo, buddy, I'll talk to you never.
Why don't you talk to your dad?
Money?
What do you mean?
Business money?
No, no.
Family business shit.
Beef.
Can you talk about it or no?
You heard him finagling about the death pack.
Who knows what's going on around there?
We got a couple of things working.
All right, Schultz, you're trying to fucking pin me down?
He could have died in a yacht explosion 12 years ago.
He sees his dad, he calls him Larry.
Who knows?
We're going to get out of these guys.
Just nod your head like Michael Caine at the end of Batman.
I'm so funny.
I'm so used to talking to him who can't follow anything or ask follow-up questions.
And Schultz finally started to pin me down.
No, I'm still curious.
So what happened?
There was a family business with my dad, my brother, and myself.
And then I...
What type of business?
Mechanical contracting.
I knew it was construction of some kind.
Yeah.
And, you know, I left to go do comedy.
It was my brother and my dad, and things soured drastically.
Were you like the referee between them usually?
I was like the final round of like, hey, this is, you know, whatever.
I was made the final call, and then he was just like, my dad was like, yeah, whatever.
I was like, all right, say it.
So then him and your brother just couldn't.
They haven't talked at all.
And you side with your bro on this one.
Yeah, I got it.
I mean, you know, the way I look at it, it was like, if he could, you know, if he could screw him over, like, I'm him.
So your dad screwed your bro over, potentially.
Potentially.
In a fictional world that we're living in on this podcast.
Sure.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And then you.
This is on Patreon, right?
What the fuck?
Oh, we want it.
Shout out.
Patreon.com slash RD Garbage.
So, okay, so then you guys, you side with your bro, obviously.
That makes perfect sense.
And your dad's relationship with your brother sours.
That soured first.
Right.
And then I was like, hey, I was already outside of, you know, I was outside looking in.
Like, hey, guys, whatever.
You know, let's try to.
And it just, it was, you know, not salvageable.
I think it's irreconcilable differences, we should say.
But here, yeah.
And I think it's like, it's hard for.
Reconcilable differences is funny.
Yeah, the ones that you can.
Yeah.
But no, but it's tricky with parents, right?
Where it's like we can't fathom that we're not the most important thing to them.
And it's like really hard for a lot of people to accept when we're not.
And I think that usually breaks a relationship because we go, well, if I'm not the most important thing to you, then you don't love me.
Sure.
Because that's like all or nothing kind of.
It's all or nothing, right?
But like, I don't know.
Like, I've spoken to folks.
I'll keep their names private, obviously.
But, and they basically told me that I would rather have some relationship with my dad than zero relationship with my dad.
But very mature.
This is so mature, like getting there to that point.
And I was like baffled.
Like, how can you even accept that you're not the most important thing?
Yeah.
To me, it's like.
You're not garbage.
When you're garbage, it's like.
Yeah, we're trapped.
A thing for me is like, if you argue, if you argue with a family member, like my girl will argue with her parents or like whatever, brother.
Like, you know, just whatever.
And I'm like, oh, to me, a reality, because my family's all so fucked up and everybody, you know, it's like, there is a possibility that you're never going to speak to that person again.
Like every time you argue.
Yeah.
I could be like, I don't push it as far as so I go like, I'm like, yeah, there's been times I'm like arguing with my brother or my sister or my mom or who fucking, you know, and I'm like, oh, this could end in like to the point where like Christmas is going to be weird for five years.
I think you and I have talked about.
Kimby and I weirdly related on a lot of stuff even before.
Both, we didn't know there was a such thing as healthy fighting.
No.
That blew my fucking mind that you just fight and it's fine.
You say something to try to hurt.
I'm just learning to understand that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm just learning to understand that a fight, in my mind, this is always everything is on the line.
Every fight.
Yeah.
You left the fucking food out.
Okay, here we go.
Here's the fucking 12 rounds.
Something's going to be said that's not going to be taken back.
That's a fucking thing.
And that's where the garbage comes in.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like it's possible for just to be like, that person is completely wiped out of my life forever.
My wife's like, that's insane.
I'm like, well, that's reality.
And that happens a lot.
I mean, like, yeah, there's, you know, like an aunt or something.
Well, I mean, like my dad.
I haven't talked to my dad.
I haven't had a relationship with my dad in seven, I don't know, seven years.
And I think that's why we work so well together because normally, like I said, like if I'm arguing, I go to say the worst thing ever.
But with him, I know that there's a little bit of a governor on it.
You know what I mean?
Like, he can keep me in check because like if this guy fucking doesn't talk to his dad, he's not going to have any problems.
Yeah, I say, I say, bro, I got no problem icing you, dude.
I'm like, I mice, like, I'm like, dude, I can delete your number and close the door to the family.
We see each other in a convenience store.
I saw him in a Wawa parking lot a couple of months ago.
That's no way.
Yeah, that's garbage.
Fucking iced him.
Your dad.
Can you fucking ice in the veins, Daddyo?
Right by him.
Not even.
Touch shoulders as you guys know.
He was like coming out of the car and I was walking.
Like I was parked over here.
He was here.
And I came out of the store this way.
So like.
Did he see you?
Oh, yeah.
And was there any acknowledgement?
I mean, it probably broke his heart, man.
Didn't stop at say anything.
Yeah.
Yeah, because he's a fucking proud guy.
And fucking apathetic with us.
Two fucking Irish fucking potato holes.
That's all it is, man.
So you guys are going to just figure it out in heaven.
I don't know.
Maybe hell.
I don't know if we're both making it to heaven.
Yo, can I just say, I saw my dad in a Wawa parking lot?
Garbage.
How about this?
I ignored my dad in a Wawa parking lot.
Pure garbage.
That's a different level.
Yeah.
Seeing a full loaf of bread, that's real crap.
Your parents are separated, but does she try to kind of like reignite that relationship with your pops?
My mom?
Yeah.
Oh, no.
Between you and your pops.
Does she recognize?
Or she's like, no, you made the right decision.
Yeah.
No, she was out on him in the fucking 80s.
She was like, I don't know this, you know.
Okay, so I'm back in the future.
And she was like, I'm done.
It's over.
We're talking real psychos.
That's the crazy thing, man.
It's like, and I don't know anything about your family, but it's so weird that like when people have kids, I don't know if you like feel this way, but like when I see someone who has a kid, I immediately respect them more because I'm like, oh, you have real responsibility.
Responsibility.
There's a life in your hands.
Yo, dude, and that's the thing about these Zoom calls.
Like even when we were working on the, on the special, right?
We would have these Zoom calls and there'd be people like busting their ass on this fucking show.
And then you'd hear their kids in the background.
And after that, like, I'll be honest, if somebody's like fucking up a little bit, I can be hard on people.
Yeah.
Because I have really high expectations.
I give the most praise.
I'll say they're the most amazing people in the world.
But if I feel like you're being lazy or you're just not putting the effort in, like, I'll lay in.
I'll fucking lay in.
And it can get crazy.
It can get a little crazy.
But when I hear they have kids and shit like that, immediately I'm like, hey, man, you got shit to do.
If there's people who have no fucking kids crying in the background and they're not getting their job, then obviously you're just fucking up.
But there's something about that where like, oh, you're like a fully formed adult.
And then you realize as we become adults and start seeing our parents as actual human beings, we're like, oh, anybody could have kids.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Anybody.
Yeah.
There's barrier to entry is minimal.
You need a license to get like be a barber.
Yeah, yeah.
To do it right is very difficult.
I look back on my parents and I'm like, I don't know how my dad didn't walk the fuck out.
From your mom.
Just in the situation.
What was the situation?
Me and my just I'm saying me people at 870 sitting on the couch.
I would have fucking hit the bricks patting all the English muffins again.
No, just petty doctor.
Any general family where you have, you know, a mom and a dad who are, you know, a working class family who are working with you.
Yeah, exactly.
Then you have two kids, three pre.
Then you have two kids, you know, that might be close in age together, like two brothers that are fucking, you know, type A kind of guys, you know, that are playing sports, fighting with each other, all that shit.
Anything like that.
It's like, I don't know how they fucking do it.
Yeah.
We ruined so many dinners, vacations, fucking fighting with each other.
Anything.
Yeah.
You have a brother?
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
It's just, it's like, I don't know how they fucking do it.
Do you guys have pets at all?
Not now.
But you, have you had one?
Yeah, yeah.
What?
I don't know.
I'm just, I'm just saying, like, it's weird.
Like, for the first time in my life, I had like a dog that I'm actually kind of like raising a bit.
You didn't have a dog growing up?
I did, but I didn't raise it.
My mom did anything.
It was just there.
You know what I mean?
But like this one, I'm actually putting effort into it a little bit.
Gotcha.
My girl does most of the shit, but a little bit.
And like when I see her like start to do things that like I feel like I've kind of helped her learn, there's like this crazy connection because every time you're looking at it, you're like, oh, fuck, like, I made you.
So I wonder if there's like part of that that like you put up with all the fuck shit that your kids are doing.
Oh, sure.
You know, that probably.
Is that times however many?
Yes.
Yeah.
A million.
I don't know.
I just, it's so weird as we get older, man.
Like, I saw this in a fucking Bollywood movie, but it made a lot of sense.
It was like, when you stop looking at your parents as superheroes like you do as a kid, and you're like, oh, these are just trying to figure it out just like me.
Yeah.
It's a different, it's like, oh, that's a much healthier perspective to have.
That's why, like, I don't, my relationship with my dad, like, I don't sweat it at this point.
I'm like, like, now that I'm 34, I've had some perspective, love, loss, fucking all of this stuff.
And you're like, I'm like, yeah, man, like, he did a great job of raising.
He doesn't need to raise me into my fucking 30s.
You know what I mean?
Like, he has no real responsibility to me anyway.
He was there.
He was a fucking great dad all growing up.
Yeah.
Fucking money, fucking paying for things.
All, you know, he was there.
I lived with him half the time.
It was perfect.
But like, at the same time, like, dude, yeah, you did fucking 30 years.
You want a fucking blackjack dealer and I'm out?
Yeah, whatever.
I don't care.
You know, a couple of fuzz holes on a birthday wouldn't kill you, though.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
At least filled up my fucking gas tank and Walla or something.
A couple of scratchers with a year coach.
A couple of scratchers.
There's a, yeah, I had my, my whole life, I, I had like a kind of like weird relationship with my mom, I guess.
I mean, she was very like supportive in everything I ever wanted to do.
And she busted her fucking ass, built this business and like provided for us.
And she was amazing, really inspiring a lot of ways, but it wasn't like the most like a loving, affectionate relationship.
I got that from my dad, you know, and I never understood where our friction came from because in my mind, I was like, I'm not really doing drugs.
I do pretty well in school.
I'm getting to college.
Like, you got, I have friends.
Yeah, you hit the fucking lottery, lady.
I literally thought you were.
What the fuck else did you need me to do?
I swear to God, that's how I felt about my mom.
I was like, I'm doing everything a kid's supposed to do.
I'm not really getting in trouble.
Like, I could be such a pain in the ass, you know?
And I literally could be like.
It's funny that you don't think you're a pain in the ass.
Yeah, right.
I was thinking, you want to probably fucking jerk off.
I'm busting balls and shit, but like, you're not worried at night.
Like, am I going to come home?
Sure.
You're like, well, fucking Justin's doing fucking dope around the corner.
Like, I do the same thing in my life.
Relatively speaking, I'm a great kid.
I'm a great kid.
I'm a great.
I'm a fucking egomaniac I was even as a kid.
I'm like, I'm the best teenager.
This is what you get.
What's this broad complaining about over here?
So, and then when I got older, I never considered this.
That my mom, as a human being, needs attention and fucking love.
Mom Needs Love Attention00:08:11
Yeah.
And like me just like at dinner wanting to tell stories or make my dad laugh or like me just thinking that, oh, I'm the kid.
It's a one-way street.
You're going, everything comes this way.
And I thought that that was okay.
And as I got older, I finally realized, oh, shit, my mom was a dance, you know, ballroom dancer.
Like, she's a fucking entertainer.
Like, she needs spotlights.
She was a beast.
Yeah, she was.
So she got all the attention.
She got all the fucking attention.
And like, as an adult, I started to realize that.
And it's completely changed our fucking relationship.
That's fantastic.
But isn't that crazy?
She's a world-class dancer and she's playing second fiddle to a chocolate milk story.
Yeah.
He's sitting there doing act outs and shit at dinner.
She's like, what the fuck?
We get it.
Jerry puts his straws in his lips like this.
Like, oh, and he's performed for six people, the Village Lanther.
Why am I here?
I'm a three-time U.S. bottle dance champion.
But for real, and I never understood it.
And now that I understand it, I mean, like, there's one way to feel like bad about it, I guess, per se, but I didn't.
But maybe now the best way to handle it is like try to give her as much of that kind of love and attention that she needs so that we can have a decent relationship.
And that's, I guess, what I, you know, tried it, tried to do it.
Yeah, it's great.
It's a great realization.
Yeah.
My dad was horrible to my mom.
He was good to me for the most part, horrible to my brother.
Struggled with all kinds of shit.
And then I always looked at him like, fuck this guy, whatever.
And then one time I thought about his life and what it was.
And in India, he was from a family that was like entering politics.
And he was seen as the guy that was going to like, apparently his uncle was like in the, essentially the president's cabinet.
Like that's how he was.
And his, that uncle looked at my dad like, you're the guy being my choice.
And then my dad one day is at another family member's wedding, going to a wedding.
And then some of his cousins come and say, hey, you're getting married today.
That's the day he married my mom.
Left that wedding, getting fitted for clothes.
Not only are you getting married today, now you're moving to America.
So he went from India.
And I remember my dad would always try to be funny at like the doctor's office or whatever.
And it would be so unfunny.
And I was just like, how are you?
Why are you doing this?
And then one of my cousins from India was like, your dad is hilarious.
I was like, what are you fucking talking about?
He goes, no, no, no.
You don't get it because he's doing jokes in English.
In Hindi, he's so good at the language.
He's fucking hysterical.
And then I thought about me and how good I am at English.
And that's what makes me funny.
And if you drop me off in a foreign country and in India where he's this high class fucking guy and then he comes to Texas and people are like, you're a piece of shit.
You're not my class.
You're fucking nothing.
You can't even speak the language.
That ego blow just deb as a man, you get it when you're older, the ego and what it means.
I'm like, okay, a lot of shit you did is not okay, but I understand how you walk down this shitty path and I can make people.
If you're eloquent and articulate and that is your superpower and skill and you get placed in a place where you can't speak the language, that's neutering, dude.
I would give up.
Like knowing how hard it would be to overcome now, I'd be like, I can't do it.
It'd be like to start comedy over.
I'd be like, I'm done, dude.
I can't do that.
That's way too much.
And how much of your self-worth is that?
All of it.
So if that's taken away, your self-worth is taken away.
And then you're trying to raise a family.
I don't have fucking skills I have.
You're complaining there's not enough Dr. Pepper.
You're like, I need more fucking Dr. Pepper, dad.
He's like, you don't even fucking know how good you got it.
You got four bottles of fucking conditioner in there.
You fucking weird kids.
I keep buying it for you.
Yeah, dog, man.
Like, when your self-worth is gone as a man and so much of your self-worth is from this thing and I know how to operate in India, now I'm here.
That just hit me.
Son, that shit hit me.
And I was like, oh.
And now our relationship is very different.
Dude, there's a buddy of mine, wise dude, right?
He said, he goes, he just had kids.
And he goes, he was like, kids make you appreciate your parents in a way that I never thought I'd understand.
I go, what do you mean?
He goes, like, you just understand everything that they have to go through for you.
A day, even.
One fucking day.
And you're just like, how?
What a piece of garbage I am for complaining about anything ever.
Yeah.
And the problem with us is we start having kids at 40.
We're old.
None of us have kids yet.
We're having kids.
And then our parents are so old that we don't have all this time to appreciate them.
When we were having kids at 25, 30, you had a decade or two decades to be like, oh, I fucking fucking great, great time period with them.
Yeah.
Isn't that crazy?
And it is, I mean, obviously, maybe, you know, times have changed and we should have kids a little bit old.
My parents had kids much older.
Like, obviously for our careers, it's difficult, but it is one of those moments.
Like, I do want to do it.
My folks are like old, old, but I definitely want to do it before they pass just so I could have those moments with them where, like, even if I'm not saying it, I'm just looking at them in the eyes and they're seeing me struggle with this kid.
They're just like, yo, thanks.
Yeah, I appreciate you.
Yeah.
Ah, man.
I don't, dude, I remember my wife was sick last year.
She went from Germany?
Yeah.
And born and raised?
Yeah.
Okay, that's cool.
Yeah.
All right.
She's Czech.
Her family's Czech, but born and raised in Germany.
But she was, she was sick.
I had to get up to make her a tea in the middle of something, like, you know, something in the kitchen.
It was like pitch black, 3:30 in the morning.
I'm sitting there.
I'm like, yo, I can, I was like, this is the worst.
Like, this is the absolute.
I'm like, I didn't think six minutes out of my sleep.
I'm like, this is the worst.
I'm like, and I thought about my mom.
Like, she had to do this for fuck every day.
I can't even do six minutes for my wife.
You know what I mean?
I'm going to have sex with soon.
You know what I mean?
Like, my mom's just going to do it for this fat little kid.
Like, fucking, I'm like, oh, fuck.
Yeah, I hear Maddie.
I'm going to have to feed the cat.
I get pissed off.
Kids, that's crazy.
Yeah.
Do you feed yourself?
Which is every day.
Every hour only.
I have never seen a fat person with an in-shaped head.
No, I was just thinking that every time you see a fat guy walking a dog, the dog's always overweight.
Because he's not moving.
He's not playing fetch.
He's not fucking together.
Watching him.
He's explaining it.
Oh, they're feeding him whatever.
Yeah.
Lean, healthy dog.
I think it'd be the opposite.
I think if you had a fat guy, it'd be a real skinny dog.
Because they wouldn't share.
Because they'd eat the dog food themselves?
Yeah.
Are you going right out the can?
Well, fellas, look, man, thank you guys so much for coming on.
Thank you.
Once again, everybody, go check out Are You Garbage, man?
That's my new favorite up-and-coming podcast.
Do you want to hit some patron questions?
Oh, fuck.
No, no.
We're going to release this, I think, on the there is one question, though, from Thazel Nag that I'm curious about.
Okay, go.
Are there garbage tears?
Like, you are this level of garbage and then a higher level of garbage.
Absolutely.
Not Patreon tears.
Of course.
Tears of the garbage human being.
Yeah, absolutely.
Yeah.
And it all depends on like, you know, so like on a thing, we'll ask like 20 questions or so, give or take, you know, and like it's different all the time.
And it's, it's weighted certain ways too.
Like we just had a kid on a comic from Philly Sydney where his mom was like a bare knuckle fucking street fighter.
Okay.
Like his mom?
His mom was an undefeated bare knuckle street box.
So she would like come to like, it'd be like a Saturday night and they'd be like, everybody would meet at the basketball courts and she would go out and like somebody would drive in from like 30 miles away and like these chicks would just fight.
So that's like top tier fucking wild trash.
That episode's coming up too.
Shout out to Sydney Games.
Yeah.
It's fucking wild.
Wild.
Crazy.
So it's like, there's levels of that where you're like, and like, I've known this guy for fucking 10 years.
And I'm like, what the fuck?
I love it.
But like, now he carries himself very, you would never guess that.
But he comes from like yeah.
So it's like, you see the different levels.
Also, people just lean into it and like, you know, they're like, yeah, man, I fucking, I eat.
I drink Mountain Dew five times a day.
I fucking, people like, don't brush their teeth even in the shower anywhere.
It's like, there's different levels.
And then at the end of the show, we're like, sometimes we'll give it a number.
We'll be like, dude, you're 70% trash or fucking, you're full-blown fucking garbage.
But there's no like set hierarchy.
Yeah.
Okay.
Well, I love it, man.
Thank you guys so much for coming, buddy.
Thanks, guys.
I appreciate it.
Thanks, everybody.
Thank you so much.
Absolutely.
Go check it out.
Yeah, I'm so stoked that you guys are rocking with it.
And shouts to Toby, man.
The set looks great.
Go check out the YouTube.
Thank you, buddy.
All right, guys, we'll put a link in the description below so you guys can go check it out.