Flagrant - Andrew Schulz & Akaash Singh - Schulz Reacts: Kimmel's Cringy BLM Emmys Pander
Aired: 2020-09-25
Duration: 19:05


=== Uncensored Flagrant Patreon Support (09:29) ===

[00:00:00]  What up people Sheltie here and you guys are about to listen to a clip from our weekly Patreon episode if you want to sign up to our Patreon support the flagrancy support where we are doing completely uncensored flagrant content.
[00:00:11]  You go to patreon.com slash flagrant2 with no more interruptions.
[00:00:16]  Here is the exclusive clip The Emmys happened and they did the Emmys obviously with no audience and then Jimmy Kimmel came on with I don't what was his name?
[00:00:30]  The guy from Ish Blackish.
[00:00:32]  Yeah, let me find it.
[00:00:33]  Anthony Anderson.
[00:00:34]  Anthony Anderson.
[00:00:34]  I always forget his name.
[00:00:35]  And Anthony Anderson came on to present an award, I believe.
[00:00:38]  He looks like one of those guys that keeps it inside.
[00:00:41]  Anthony Anderson.
[00:00:42]  Yeah, he looks like he got a little fire in his song.
[00:00:45]  I don't know.
[00:00:45]  I just, whenever I see him, it just seems like, yo, there's something up with him.
[00:00:49]  You know how I can tell when people got AIDS?
[00:00:53]  How do you substantiate your point with some shit we don't believe?
[00:00:56]  Nah, nah, that's a real shit.
[00:00:57]  That's hilarious.
[00:00:58]  That's a real shit.
[00:00:58]  But there's something up with him.
[00:00:59]  He got some demons.
[00:01:00]  But yeah, keep going.
[00:01:02]  Did you watch it?
[00:01:02]  I did not.
[00:01:03]  I didn't know.
[00:01:03]  I didn't know the Emmys were on until Monday.
[00:01:05]  Until people were upset about Zendaya's award being called an upset.
[00:01:09]  And that's how I found out the Emmys happened.
[00:01:11]  I was like, oh, shit.
[00:01:12]  You can't even be happy she won.
[00:01:14]  I know.
[00:01:14]  Can you bring that video up, Al?
[00:01:16]  It's not too long.
[00:01:18]  Yeah.
[00:01:18]  It's like two and a half, three minutes.
[00:01:20]  It's like two and a half, three minutes.
[00:01:21]  Just play the video.
[00:01:22]  I think it's worth it.
[00:01:23]  I got to piss real quick, but just play it.
[00:01:25]  I'll be back by the time.
[00:01:26]  You know, we have a record number of black Emmy nominees this year.
[00:01:30]  This is the part where the white people start to applaud.
[00:01:32]  A few minutes later.
[00:01:34]  Black Lives Matter.
[00:01:35]  Louder, Jimmy.
[00:01:36]  Say it so that my pitch can hear it.
[00:01:39]  Black Lives Matter.
[00:01:41]  What the fuck?
[00:01:43]  I didn't hate it at first.
[00:01:45]  Right.
[00:01:46]  First, it seemed normal.
[00:01:48]  It's kind of going to be a bit.
[00:01:49]  And kind of a funny bit.
[00:01:50]  And Jimmy Kimmel is doing the I'm uncomfortable white guy thing.
[00:01:54]  But they just botched it.
[00:01:56]  I don't know how they botched it, but they botched it.
[00:01:58]  Some of them would have been funny.
[00:01:59]  Anthony Anderson's lines with an audience that was primed to laugh.
[00:02:02]  No, their delivery wasn't bad.
[00:02:05]  I'm sorry.
[00:02:05]  I'm still confused.
[00:02:06]  Was that all planned or was that like one of those Kanye?
[00:02:10]  All planned.
[00:02:11]  I think they were trying to care about it.
[00:02:12]  I thought they were trying to spoof Kanye.
[00:02:14]  And I thought that would have been funny.
[00:02:15]  Like, you know, Michael Myers, man, uncomfortable Kanye.
[00:02:19]  I thought that's what they were going for.
[00:02:20]  But then it became like Anthony Anderson was kind of being funny, but also really preachy.
[00:02:25]  Also, he called WAP WAP, which is just the most Hollywood out-of-touch thing you can possibly do.
[00:02:30]  They pronounce it WAP.
[00:02:31]  I think you're wrong.
[00:02:32]  I'm an asshole.
[00:02:33]  What do I know?
[00:02:34]  I'm an out-of-touch.
[00:02:34]  I'm the most out-of-touch Indian you can ever imagine.
[00:02:38]  What?
[00:02:38]  You're a whap, dude.
[00:02:39]  WAP is wet-ass pussy.
[00:02:41]  WAP is without papers.
[00:02:43]  Yeah.
[00:02:44]  All right.
[00:02:45]  I don't even know what that means.
[00:02:46]  So here we go.
[00:02:47]  That's Italians.
[00:02:48]  Oh, okay.
[00:02:48]  They got you.
[00:02:49]  They used to call them WAPs.
[00:02:50]  WAP Dagos.
[00:02:52]  That's what I thought.
[00:02:53]  Wait, hold on.
[00:02:53]  You're saying WAP.
[00:02:54]  You just fucked it up.
[00:02:55]  I don't know what I'm talking about.
[00:02:57]  Don't take this shit too serious, bro.
[00:02:59]  You know what I mean?
[00:03:00]  Like, come on, man.
[00:03:00]  There's more important issues out there.
[00:03:02]  Yo, Jimmy Kimmel, that's what you could have done.
[00:03:03]  Yo, laugh at yourself.
[00:03:04]  Yo, but that's the thing I didn't understand.
[00:03:05]  Like, when he was telling Jimmy to say Black Lives Matter, like, what's going on?
[00:03:10]  Why is he saying it like it's real?
[00:03:11]  Say it louder.
[00:03:12]  No one's there.
[00:03:13]  Our volume is dictated by us.
[00:03:15]  Like, it's on TV, right?
[00:03:17]  Like, and if Jimmy wants to be louder, just raise the volume.
[00:03:20]  That was like the Republican convention where that bitch was just like yelling at the fucking screen with Gilfoil.
[00:03:25]  We'll make America great.
[00:03:27]  And then waiting for the applause.
[00:03:30]  But that was, I thought, a joke opportunity for Jimmy to be, for Jimmy to say, like, but you understand they have the volume at home, right?
[00:03:36]  Not me.
[00:03:36]  Yo, all right, oh, yo, oh, yo.
[00:03:38]  And that's like the funny bit is you're intimidated and not being racist.
[00:03:41]  But then he did it seriously.
[00:03:42]  He just kept getting louder.
[00:03:43]  What would have been hilarious is if they acknowledged Jimmy Kimmel doing blackface.
[00:03:47]  And I'm not saying that we got to like hold him accountable for it, but that's the joke.
[00:03:51]  Yeah.
[00:03:52]  Right?
[00:03:52]  Isn't that the joke?
[00:03:53]  Like, talk about the Carl Malone.
[00:03:54]  They can't laugh at themselves, man.
[00:03:56]  I know.
[00:03:57]  That's why we need Joanne Rivers.
[00:03:58]  Yeah.
[00:03:59]  That's why Joe Andrews.
[00:04:01]  I don't want you to think it's Joe Ann.
[00:04:02]  That's why we need jokes on going around.
[00:04:03]  You remember Joe Ann River?
[00:04:05]  The guy in that jacket promise he thinks it's Joe Anne River.
[00:04:08]  Promise, promise, promise.
[00:04:10]  But in that, isn't that funny?
[00:04:11]  It's like you have a perfect opportunity to call out your black face and show that how you've grown from it and show how, yeah, maybe you thought it was funny back then, but you realize you can't do that now.
[00:04:21]  And then it's squashed.
[00:04:22]  It's done.
[00:04:23]  You call that out in that moment with Anthony Anderson and you let him tear you a fucking part for it.
[00:04:28]  It's over.
[00:04:29]  Nobody can hold you accountable for that ever again.
[00:04:31]  The fact that you don't in that moment, you're screaming Black Lives Matter and you don't say that at all.
[00:04:34]  Now all I'm going to think about is you and fucking blackface with your eye crooked Carl alone.
[00:04:41]  Well, he do got a crook eye, huh?
[00:04:43]  No, I think it's Shaq the guy with the crook eye.
[00:04:44]  I might have mixed my blacks.
[00:04:46]  Come on, bad, bro.
[00:04:48]  The black face?
[00:04:48]  Not me.
[00:04:49]  I started talking about Jimmy Kimmel's.
[00:04:50]  I'm off in his eyes.
[00:04:50]  They met beady.
[00:04:51]  They mad small.
[00:04:52]  Lizard people, dude.
[00:04:53]  Oh, shit.
[00:04:54]  You're right about it.
[00:04:55]  Yo, if you're going back on his trades.
[00:04:58]  Researching it right now.
[00:04:59]  It's not stopped.
[00:04:59]  I'm reading about these fucking lizard people.
[00:05:01]  They're lizard people.
[00:05:02]  They drink baby blood.
[00:05:03]  And y'all judging baby blood like that shit ain't fucking delicious.
[00:05:08]  Basically, I think we found out the reason why we need these roasts and why they're like so cathartic for us.
[00:05:14]  Like, we want to see these people who go out there.
[00:05:16]  There's nothing, there's nothing worse.
[00:05:18]  Well, there's plenty of things that are worse, murders, rapists, etc.
[00:05:20]  But like, there's nothing worse than a fucking than a fraudulent person that puts on airs.
[00:05:28]  That counts.
[00:05:29]  God's telling you.
[00:05:30]  It's nothing worse.
[00:05:32]  Nothing.
[00:05:33]  Fuck you.
[00:05:33]  Yo, putting on airs.
[00:05:35]  You're not better than us.
[00:05:36]  Jimmy Kimmel with your black ass face.
[00:05:40]  I know you ain't been doing black ass face call malone.
[00:05:43]  Come on, bro.
[00:05:44]  It is true.
[00:05:44]  And it just drives us fucking crazy.
[00:05:46]  It's like, how much do you need?
[00:05:48]  You know, you already got money.
[00:05:50]  You got influence.
[00:05:51]  You got power.
[00:05:52]  You have success.
[00:05:55]  And you need everybody to think you're a good person when you're clearly thinking about it.
[00:05:59]  And you can't just laugh at your own mistakes.
[00:06:01]  Maybe that's it.
[00:06:01]  He can be a good person now.
[00:06:03]  And he can be 100% believing this now.
[00:06:04]  No one's saying you don't think Black Lives Matter, Jimmy.
[00:06:07]  But just call it out.
[00:06:09]  I didn't know how bad this was 20 years ago.
[00:06:12]  I wasn't alone.
[00:06:13]  A lot of us didn't know how bad this was.
[00:06:15]  Now we do.
[00:06:16]  Sorry.
[00:06:17]  Yeah.
[00:06:18]  That's all you got to say.
[00:06:19]  And let somebody make fun of you.
[00:06:20]  That's it.
[00:06:21]  Right.
[00:06:22]  I think, I don't know.
[00:06:23]  This shit just makes us uncomfortable because I feel like it almost like, I don't know, for like some of the white people at home, I feel like it brings back when they were like at the diner forcing that white lady to say Black Lives Matter.
[00:06:31]  Do you remember?
[00:06:32]  Yes, yes, yes.
[00:06:32]  When all those protesters like, say it.
[00:06:34]  And they're like, well, I don't, I want to talk about it maybe or maybe learn more.
[00:06:37]  Yeah.
[00:06:37]  They're like forcing her to say it.
[00:06:39]  Like it felt like he got bullied into it and he like just completely simped out and was like, all right, yeah.
[00:06:43]  People have been simping out for years.
[00:06:45]  Here's the thing.
[00:06:45]  It's like you can't force people into caring.
[00:06:52]  It's like trying to force a girl to love you.
[00:06:55]  It doesn't work.
[00:06:56]  Yeah.
[00:06:56]  You know, like when black people go, say black lives matter to white people, that doesn't make those white people start to believe black lives matter.
[00:07:03]  Nope.
[00:07:03]  This is not like a vampire.
[00:07:05]  You can't just bite someone and all of a sudden they're a vampire, right?
[00:07:07]  They have to see something, empathize with it, understand it, and want to support it.
[00:07:12]  You can't yell at a person into empathizing with you.
[00:07:14]  Yeah.
[00:07:15]  And if they're just repeating what you're saying, they're not believing it.
[00:07:19]  It's like me singing rap songs.
[00:07:21]  Like, I don't believe the shit I'm saying.
[00:07:23]  I'm just regurgitating the thing I hear.
[00:07:26]  Except the N-word.
[00:07:28]  That's true.
[00:07:29]  That's what he should have made Kimmy say: repeat after me.
[00:07:34]  That would have been lit.
[00:07:36]  He says it too loud.
[00:07:37]  They're like, whoa, dial it down.
[00:07:40]  Oh, Carl.
[00:07:41]  Oh my God.
[00:07:42]  Oh, that would be so funny.
[00:07:43]  That would be so funny.
[00:07:44]  There was such an opportunity for humor and they lost it.
[00:07:46]  And to that point about shaming people, I went to Minnesota last year and doing a show and Trump was speaking and I saw the protest outside.
[00:07:53]  And every person going in, they're screaming.
[00:07:55]  The protesters are screaming in the Trump supporter's face.
[00:07:58]  You're fucking racist.
[00:07:59]  Your piece of shit, even if that's true.
[00:08:01]  Do you think you pointing an inch from their face is gonna make them be like, you know what?
[00:08:06]  I'm gonna change my vote next year.
[00:08:07]  So I'm saying the ultimate goal is to get that guy out of office, right?
[00:08:10]  In a way, dude, it's like selfish because you're not yelling at them for them.
[00:08:14]  You're yelling at them.
[00:08:15]  You're not yelling at them to change the system.
[00:08:17]  You're not yelling at them to like make improvements in society.
[00:08:19]  You're yelling at them to make you feel better.
[00:08:21]  Yo, so true.
[00:08:23]  It just serves you.
[00:08:24]  You're yelling at them and you're looking around.
[00:08:26]  It's almost like you're doing like stand-up.
[00:08:27]  You say a joke and you look at the audience.
[00:08:29]  Like, did you guys find it funny?
[00:08:30]  Yeah.
[00:08:30]  Like, you're yelling at them, but they don't get like claps.
[00:08:32]  They just get like pats on the back, like hoorahs.
[00:08:34]  Yeah.
[00:08:34]  Right.
[00:08:34]  And it's just like, you guys ain't shit.
[00:08:36]  You're going to go to hell for voting for jobs.
[00:08:38]  Aren't I good?
[00:08:38]  Aren't I on this team?
[00:08:40]  Isn't everything cool?
[00:08:41]  You have to take the religious approach.
[00:08:43]  Like any person that's ever wanted me to convert has never asked me.
[00:08:46]  They've just been the nicest person to me.
[00:08:48]  They've cared.
[00:08:49]  They've been curious about what's going on in my life and they've showed an interest and just tried to like lead by example.
[00:08:56]  And that's the most effective.
[00:08:57]  It gets me in churches.
[00:08:58]  It gets me in mosques.
[00:08:59]  It gets me in synagogues.
[00:09:00]  It gets me in all those places.
[00:09:02]  Because I'm like, wow, these are really great people.
[00:09:04]  And I'm curious as to why they're great.
[00:09:06]  And maybe a part of why they're so sweet is this cool religion that they're into, you know?
[00:09:11]  The left tends to have all these sayings: love conquers all, love will lead the way, etc.
[00:09:16]  All right, lead with love then.
[00:09:17]  Until they disagree with me, then fuck you, you're a piece of shit.
[00:09:21]  They're literally your girlfriend.
[00:09:23]  That's all the left is, right?
[00:09:24]  They're the sweetest person in the entire world as long as you agree with everything they say.

=== Harvey's Condescending Disguise (08:38) ===

[00:09:30]  Not only that.
[00:09:31]  That's a cold-hearted bitch right there, bro.
[00:09:34]  They are not playing around.
[00:09:35]  That's an unpeaceful protest.
[00:09:38]  Let's light some shit on fire.
[00:09:39]  There will be blood monthly.
[00:09:43]  All right, guys, we got to take a break for a second because we're stopping sloppy dicks, okay?
[00:09:47]  She's going to be no more sloppy.
[00:09:49]  You are going to deliver the best, the hardest dick of your entire life because the girl of your dreams deserves it.
[00:09:55]  I don't care if she's a side chick.
[00:09:57]  I don't care if she's a main chick.
[00:09:58]  I don't care if she's a chick that you're about to meet and you want a lasting impression.
[00:10:01]  You are going to deliver the goods and you're going to do that with Blue Chew.
[00:10:05]  We are going to chew it out.
[00:10:06]  That's what we do over here.
[00:10:08]  Okay.
[00:10:08]  Same active ingredient that's in Cialis or Viagra.
[00:10:11]  Blue Chew is not to be played with.
[00:10:15]  Absolutely.
[00:10:15]  It is to be played with and it's to be played with by your significant other.
[00:10:18]  So you're going to do that at bluechew.com.
[00:10:21]  You just go to bluechew.com.
[00:10:22]  Okay.
[00:10:22]  Use the promo code Andrew.
[00:10:24]  Use that promo code and get the hardest dick of your life.
[00:10:27]  Chew her out.
[00:10:28]  Deliver the D like a champion.
[00:10:31]  Okay.
[00:10:31]  Ladies, if you're watching, make sure your man gets it.
[00:10:34]  You deserve it.
[00:10:34]  Okay.
[00:10:35]  You deserve the hardest D he's got.
[00:10:37]  Bluechew.com promo code is Andrew.
[00:10:39]  Now let's get back to the clip.
[00:10:41]  Yeah.
[00:10:41]  All right.
[00:10:41]  Let's talk about someone who should get murdered.
[00:10:43]  Ellen is Ellen is back with her show.
[00:10:48]  Can we was Ellen ever good?
[00:10:50]  Yeah.
[00:10:51]  It was good.
[00:10:52]  She had to have been.
[00:10:53]  Of course, I didn't watch, but she had to have been because her ratings used to be crazy.
[00:10:58]  And I know she was loved amongst black people as well as white people.
[00:11:02]  Really?
[00:11:02]  So you can have that crossover.
[00:11:04]  Like you're doing something right.
[00:11:05]  But what was on TV at that time?
[00:11:06]  Like there's no competition.
[00:11:07]  She's not going up against Game of Thrones.
[00:11:09]  She's going up against like Steve Harvey.
[00:11:12]  You know, yeah.
[00:11:13]  Steve Harvey.
[00:11:14]  Steve Harvey.
[00:11:15]  Wendy Williams.
[00:11:16]  Like I said, if you get black people away from Steve Harvey and Wendy Williams as a gay white woman, you're doing something.
[00:11:22]  Yeah, I guess you're right.
[00:11:23]  You're doing something.
[00:11:24]  Yeah.
[00:11:25]  I mean, were they going up against each other?
[00:11:26]  We got to look at this.
[00:11:27]  I don't know the times, but I mean, they're all Harvey's show sucked.
[00:11:30]  It's just him looking like exasperated when he sees some kid do something.
[00:11:35]  This is every Steve Harvey clip.
[00:11:37]  Like somebody does something dumb and then just white people.
[00:11:46]  Let me tell you something.
[00:11:48]  Fast forward, my mom would have kicked my ass.
[00:11:50]  That's every reaction that's a Godfrey Steve Harvey impression.
[00:11:54]  What is it?
[00:11:54]  So good.
[00:11:55]  What did you say?
[00:11:55]  See if you can look it up.
[00:11:56]  He just, he just keeps going, what, what?
[00:11:58]  What in the hell?
[00:11:59]  I mean, what?
[00:12:00]  Ha!
[00:12:01]  What?
[00:12:01]  And he just does it for like three minutes.
[00:12:03]  It's so good.
[00:12:04]  Do you think people will forgive Ellen?
[00:12:07]  It won't be the same.
[00:12:08]  Yes.
[00:12:09]  Yes.
[00:12:09]  It won't be the same.
[00:12:10]  They're going to forgive her ass, yo.
[00:12:11]  Yeah.
[00:12:12]  They're going to forgive her ass so fucking quick.
[00:12:14]  Think about who her audience is.
[00:12:15]  It's like daytime moms.
[00:12:16]  They need distraction.
[00:12:18]  They don't give a shit about any of this shit.
[00:12:20]  Oh, Ellen was mean.
[00:12:21]  Like, it doesn't, I don't think it's tangible.
[00:12:23]  They didn't see her be mean.
[00:12:24]  It's all like words on a page.
[00:12:26]  If there ain't no video, you get off.
[00:12:28]  She's off, man.
[00:12:29]  And all shooters just get to continue being fake, nice.
[00:12:31]  It's just like, she's playing a character.
[00:12:33]  That's what we got to look at it.
[00:12:34]  Like, I always use Ross from Friends, but like, Ross from Friends is not Ross from Friends in real life.
[00:12:38]  But as long as he Rosses it up on Friends, that's all the fuck we care about.
[00:12:41]  Yeah.
[00:12:42]  You're going to be a douchebag off-screen.
[00:12:44]  Like, what was it?
[00:12:44]  Robert Downey Jr.
[00:12:46]  You know what I mean?
[00:12:46]  Like, you don't got to be Iron Man outside the movies.
[00:12:49]  Just be Iron Man in the movie.
[00:12:50]  We don't care if you're doing Coke.
[00:12:51]  We don't care if you're drinking.
[00:12:52]  We don't give a fuck what you're doing in your life as long as you Iron Man that shit up when you're in the Marvel movies.
[00:12:57]  Real talk, my take on Ellen's situation, this is the best thing that could have happened to her because she's had rumors of being an asshole basically her entire career.
[00:13:05]  Now she has to double down and go the complete yoke.
[00:13:09]  So now she's going to be super goody goody in front of the camera.
[00:13:11]  I don't know.
[00:13:12]  She has to be goody goody.
[00:13:13]  Hold up, hold up.
[00:13:14]  This is actually really important.
[00:13:16]  I think, oh my God, this could improve the show.
[00:13:20]  I think she goes the other way.
[00:13:22]  Well, well, I think it's me in the middle.
[00:13:26]  I think that Ellen that you meet on the street off camera is 50% nicer.
[00:13:32]  And I think Ellen that you meet on TV is 50% meaner.
[00:13:37]  And I think everybody benefits.
[00:13:39]  We get to see the real Ellen.
[00:13:41]  And actually, maybe she does a little bit more harsher jokes and is a little dick every once in a while.
[00:13:45]  And we kind of like that because we appreciate the authenticity.
[00:13:47]  But also the people that got to serve her food don't get some fucking stank bitch yelling at them all the time.
[00:13:52]  They actually get a little bit nicer version.
[00:13:55]  And their expectation of Ellen is actually reduced.
[00:13:58]  So when she's kind of nice, they're like, I thought she's a cunt.
[00:14:00]  She was actually kind of nice.
[00:14:01]  She's pretty good.
[00:14:02]  No, that's a good point.
[00:14:03]  I watched her apology and she cucked out super hard.
[00:14:05]  She cucked out.
[00:14:06]  And that's why I'm like, I don't know if she can recover.
[00:14:08]  Wait, what do you mean she cucked out?
[00:14:11]  I have to do better.
[00:14:12]  I was the one saying, be nice.
[00:14:14]  And I realized some people didn't think that I was being nice, even though I thought I was being nice.
[00:14:18]  And I am so shut the fuck up, bitch.
[00:14:20]  You know, if you came out like, listen, what the fuck do you want from me?
[00:14:24]  If she's not a complete asshole, she's just like, look, apparently I'm an asshole.
[00:14:28]  What can you do?
[00:14:29]  Yo, what if she came out justifying?
[00:14:30]  She's like, I mean, have y'all ever sat down in a restaurant?
[00:14:33]  They don't bring bread?
[00:14:34]  Like, are you nice to that guy?
[00:14:36]  How much funny for lunch?
[00:14:38]  This bitch can't get her nails done.
[00:14:40]  This shit would have been way funnier.
[00:14:41]  They weren't chewing gum.
[00:14:42]  They weren't for me.
[00:14:42]  Their bread smells like tuna salad.
[00:14:44]  Chew some fucking gum.
[00:14:44]  I got to talk to you.
[00:14:45]  It's called the Ellen Show.
[00:14:46]  How am I at a source market?
[00:14:48]  How am I an asshole?
[00:14:49]  I'm giving you gum.
[00:14:50]  Isn't the asshole the person who doesn't give anybody gum?
[00:14:52]  That's what scared me the most about this shit.
[00:14:54]  We were reading all the stuff that Ellen said, and we were all like, man, she's a real bitch.
[00:14:58]  Andrew's like, yo, she kind of got a point.
[00:15:01]  I related to it.
[00:15:02]  I mean, why are you eating fish in the green room?
[00:15:04]  Like, that shit smells.
[00:15:06]  Tuna stinks.
[00:15:07]  Mark brings tuna salad or chicken salad to work every single day.
[00:15:12]  I got to time my meals around his.
[00:15:13]  I don't want to eat around this fucking animal when he's eating his tuna salad with no browsers.
[00:15:17]  No, that's not his food.
[00:15:18]  That's just him.
[00:15:21]  He's like, Mark, tuna salad?
[00:15:22]  I'm like, I got a hammer.
[00:15:24]  I don't know what you're talking about.
[00:15:25]  The point is, Ellen's show could get better.
[00:15:27]  Ellen's going to be way better than the average stranger.
[00:15:30]  And she'll be happier because she doesn't have to feel like she's a fraud.
[00:15:32]  This could be a win-win for everybody involved, potentially.
[00:15:36]  If she lets her bitchiness leak a little bit here and there in strategic moments, all right, I'm in.
[00:15:41]  But I can't, I don't want this shit.
[00:15:43]  Have you ever seen a stand-up?
[00:15:44]  Yes.
[00:15:45]  So like, I feel a little bit of her bitchy comes out in a stand-up.
[00:15:48]  Like, she like, you know, brags about how hard it is being rich and shit like that.
[00:15:52]  Like, but it's a regressive way for the sake of some of them.
[00:15:56]  If that a little bit of that comes out on the show, I think.
[00:15:59]  I think mad adorable.
[00:16:00]  And I don't mind it.
[00:16:00]  I don't hate it.
[00:16:01]  I think it's got its place.
[00:16:02]  Do you think it's fair to say that her stand-up is bitchy is not the right word?
[00:16:09]  Dickhead, like condescending, disguised as cute.
[00:16:13]  So in her jokes, everybody else is always the idiot.
[00:16:17]  Yeah, it's that Seinfeld shit.
[00:16:19]  No, but Seinfeld's more of an over dick.
[00:16:21]  He'll either be over dick or it's just about like Pringles.
[00:16:24]  It's just about like a water bottle.
[00:16:25]  It's just about nothing.
[00:16:26]  Yeah, hers is more about her.
[00:16:27]  Ellen is like, I interacted with this person and they're going to be dumb in this joke, but I'm going to do it in a cute way and it's going to be sarcastic.
[00:16:33]  But deep down, it's like, you fucking idiot.
[00:16:35]  Why would you talk to me?
[00:16:36]  Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[00:16:37]  Like a lot of times clean comics are like this.
[00:16:38]  Like Brian Regan, right?
[00:16:40]  Is the cleanest comic and he's so fucking funny.
[00:16:42]  But there is a molten lava volcano of anger bubbling inside that guy.
[00:16:48]  And you see it come out when he does this one act out.
[00:16:51]  He is a retard voice that he puts on anybody that he thinks is stupid.
[00:16:56]  Right.
[00:16:56]  Right?
[00:16:57]  He goes, but why would you do that?
[00:16:59]  Yeah.
[00:17:01]  They gotta find a Jesse Jackson Jackson.
[00:17:04]  Like, that is.
[00:17:06]  What'd you call Jesse Jackson?
[00:17:07]  He has a tone of spelling DJ.
[00:17:10]  KFK cat.
[00:17:12]  What is it?
[00:17:13]  What is it?
[00:17:13]  He's like, I don't know how to spell cat cat.
[00:17:16]  Cat, right?
[00:17:17]  And then he just keeps on spiraling down.
[00:17:19]  He makes fun of himself with it.
[00:17:20]  So he'll put it on himself, the retard voice.
[00:17:22]  But that is how he sees anybody that bothers him as a fucking retard.
[00:17:27]  Yeah.
[00:17:28]  Right?
[00:17:29]  Dude, in a weird way, those clean comics are way darker.
[00:17:32]  Way darker.
[00:17:33]  A little bit, dude.
[00:17:34]  Because think about it.
[00:17:35]  Everybody that you're upset is a red.
[00:17:37]  It was a retard.
[00:17:38]  Yeah, they're like suppressing it.
[00:17:39]  They present it as if they're not angry, but it's really suppressed and they're trying to work through it.
[00:17:44]  It feels like it makes me a little more anxious.
[00:17:46]  Yeah.
[00:17:46]  It's like a, you know how like with Chernobyl, like a nuclear reactor gives off all this heat because the nuclear part of it is just tucked in there, like waiting to explode.
[00:17:56]  That's a clean comic?
[00:17:57]  That's a clean comic.
[00:17:58]  Yeah.
[00:17:58]  When you watch Bill Burr yelling, you're like, he's out.
[00:18:00]  He's just letting it out.
[00:18:01]  Yeah, he just let the steam off.
[00:18:03]  When you see like Ellen like talking shit about something, but pretending to be nice.
[00:18:07]  It's like, oh my God.

=== Darker Clean Comics Explained (00:57) ===

[00:18:08]  Like what's in there?
[00:18:09]  It's terrifying.
[00:18:10]  Cosby.
[00:18:11]  She's beating the shit out of Porsche, probably.
[00:18:12]  Like, I want to know what Pein's getting knocked out.
[00:18:14]  Getting scared.
[00:18:15]  Real talk.
[00:18:16]  It is interesting.
[00:18:16]  And you see those.
[00:18:17]  We got to look at like successful clean comics.
[00:18:19]  Yeah, you know what's wild?
[00:18:20]  We haven't heard a word from Portia.
[00:18:22]  She only has a talk, bro.
[00:18:23]  This whole time.
[00:18:25]  That's the one person that could be like, yo, Ellen is, my wife is crazy.
[00:18:28]  Ellen changed that bitch's name.
[00:18:30]  Her real name is like Sally Ellenberger or something weird like that.
[00:18:33]  This is some white-ass name, bro, for real.
[00:18:36]  Ellen, back when she was still, when she was on arrested adventure.
[00:18:38]  No, but Ellen changed it before.
[00:18:41]  I'm going to change your name.
[00:18:42]  I'm going to change your sex.
[00:18:43]  That's how the shit works.
[00:18:45]  You don't like dicks no more.
[00:18:46]  I'm Ellen.
[00:18:48]  Look under the table.
[00:18:49]  It's my box.
[00:18:50]  All right, guys.
[00:18:51]  You just listened to a clip from our weekly Patreon episode.
[00:18:54]  If you want to continue to listen to that episode, subscribe, join the asshole Army Patreon.
[00:18:59]  Keep it tight and keep it flagrant with us.
[00:19:00]  You can do that at patreon.com slash flagrant to indulge.