Andrew Schulz and Akaash Singh defend New York against the "city is done" narrative, arguing it thrives on diverse hustlers rather than wealthy transplants like Jerry Seinfeld. They dissect Tori Lanez's shooting of Meg The Stallion, criticizing the rap community's apathy compared to Chris Brown's assault, while debating street safety instincts versus suburban naivety. The duo mocks media fire coverage unless black people are shot, analyzes Kellyanne Conway's White House exit, and compares Luka Dončić to "white Barack," ultimately asserting that New York remains an unkillable engine for the hungry. [Automatically generated summary]
Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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Why New York Is Not Done00:14:41
I'm feeling emotional, everybody.
I'm feeling.
Akash is right.
I'm in my feelings.
I don't like people saying New York is done.
I don't like all this New York is done shit.
And I realize what it is that's making me so emotional, as you say, getting me so annoyed.
I don't think men like to say we're emotional.
You know, Charlamagne will say it now.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But he's really in touch with shit.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm not that in touch.
I'm annoyed.
I'm angry and I'm pissed off.
Those are words that men are allowed to use.
Charlotte, bring it back.
Bring it back, Charlotte.
Okay.
This New York is done shit is pissing me off.
I'll tell you why.
Because no New Yorkers are saying New York is done.
It's yuppies that are saying New York is done.
And it's people who moved to New York that are saying New York is done.
And they're trying to justify the fact that they abandoned this city that they were using to get rich in.
Okay.
No New Yorkers are saying New York is done.
And no New Yorkers are leaving New York because we can't.
This is where the fuck we live.
And it pisses me off that there are these like super rich dudes that have the ability to just fly and go to Miami, the ability to go to the Hamptons.
Jerry Seinfeld included.
I know he wrote like a cool piece where he was like roasting and like getting a James Alatucker, but fuck Jerry.
Jerry is not even on New York.
Can't you let the man defend New York?
He's on your side.
Nope.
He's not on my side.
He's like, I'll never abandon New York.
Where are you writing this article from?
The Hamptons.
Shut up.
You abandoned New York the second, the second it got a little sketchy.
You left, took your family to the Hamptons.
Okay.
And also, you're from the Upper West Side.
You're not even from the Upper West Side.
You're from Long Island, but you spent your whole life in the Upper West Side.
That's Connecticut.
It's not New York.
Nobody in New York would call me.
That's Connecticut.
That's Connecticut, bro.
I'm sorry.
You think New Yorkers are like, listen, the real New York is on 72nd and Broadway.
If you're Jewish, it is.
Exactly.
Watch when you get that nice Central Park view.
You're going to be like, oh, yeah, I'm in New York.
This is the real New York.
I grew up on Central Park.
I'm listening.
I'm born on the Upper East Side, moved to the Upper West Side, but I spent my life in the East Village.
Okay?
What I'm saying is...
So you haven't spent your whole life in New York?
I have spent my whole life in New York.
Jerry a New Yorker.
He's not a new one.
No, Jerry spent his whole life in Long Island.
Hey, D span, he came to New York for the opportunity to have a career, right?
And I can't say sitcom of all time.
Say again.
And then created the best sitcom of all time.
Anyway, fantastic, yo.
Anyway, so, so, anyway, so I understand.
Anyway, so you guys can defend it.
It's just so, I don't know.
Jerry just annoys me.
Wipe your butt.
Say a curse word, you do what I mean.
Just say a curse word.
You're a fucking seven-year-old man.
Say shit.
Wipe some shit off your ass.
Grow up.
You talk like I'm Shylo.
He's lost into eight years old.
You can't cuss in a New York Times because they got editors for some shit.
You know, I'm pretty sure you can't do it.
Man, shut up.
You don't know what you're talking about.
Point is this.
I'm tired of yuppies saying New York is done.
New York might be done for you guys, but New York is not made by yuppies.
Okay.
New York is not made by motherfuckers from Maine that moved to New York or Vermont or Tennessee.
Okay.
New York is made by New Yorkers.
We make it hot.
You come here because we make it hot.
And when you move away because you can't handle the heat, that don't make it done.
New people are going to come in.
This is skin that is being shed.
This is what a lot of people don't realize about New York.
All these motherfuckers that moved to New York see New York change a little bit and then they go, oh, New York is different now.
That's what New York does.
When I grew up in the East Village, you live with me in the East Village.
Before you live with me, the East Village was sex shops and drug dealers.
By the time you live with me, it changed to Japanese restaurants and boba tea.
Maybe some frozen yogurt, right?
In 10 years, it's going to be some other shit.
That's what New York does.
It's always changing.
I remember you saying this when we first started hanging out that, like, you think you know what New York is, but it's this constantly evolving thing.
And you'd only be able to get that if you're from here.
Yeah.
Especially Manhattan.
Manhattan has so much turnover, right?
Like, I understand there's certain like parts of the city.
Like, that's another thing that pissed me off about Jerry.
Jerry doesn't realize New York has five boroughs.
He's only talking about Manhattan as if the people outside of Manhattan don't exist to him because they don't.
He does not consider that New York.
Just like I don't consider the Upper West Side New York.
Also, until you've got a studio in Brooklyn, I really hear you saying too many good things about the other boroughs.
What do you mean?
You are a Manhattan guy through and through.
Yeah, just like Brooklyn people like Brooklyn.
Exactly.
You rep your home team.
That's what you do.
People.
What are you doing?
He's repping his fucking team in Manhattan.
Where's Jerry from?
Who knows?
Long Island.
Shut up.
Okay?
So he's repping whatever team that he thinks he's in.
And what I'm saying is your team is not reflective of New York.
It's the least culturally diverse place in all of New York City.
And the whole thing about New York is how culturally diverse it is.
So I don't even consider like, oh, how am I not going to get my city back?
The city is much bigger than that.
And also, if you're from Brooklyn, you should rep Brooklyn.
If you're from the Bronx, you should rep the Bronx.
I'm not saying Dees and Merrill got to rep Manhattan.
I don't know where Merrill lives.
Merrill might live in Jersey by now.
By now, but yeah.
Yeah, but you still rep BX, right?
Imagine Merrill's out there going, nah, Jersey's not dead.
You'd be like, shut up.
You're from the Bronx.
Like, what are you doing?
So the point is, all these people that are making these like crazy claims, Al Toucher, too, making these crazy claims.
Now, I know he's an alarmist.
He likes to like do clickbaity type shit.
And he did it.
He got it.
He got everybody talking about it.
But everything, he acts like he has like serious facts in his article.
Both of them full of shit.
Everything in Al Toucher's article is full of shit.
We'll go through piece by piece.
I read it again last night and I was like, this guy's really full of shit.
Go what, what, bring up any of the things he said.
You know, the thing I thought was full of shit was he had an excerpt from somebody who lived in New York 10 years and was like, it's not the same.
I'm a lifelong New Yorker.
I've been here 12 years.
I will not say I'm a lifelong New Yorker.
I don't know what the years is, but I got to be here 30, 35, over half my life.
This is how you're a New Yorker.
This is how you know you're a New Yorker.
Used to be, if you're here 10 years, you're a New Yorker.
Nah, bullshit.
This is how you know you're a New Yorker.
Yeah.
When shit gets a little sketchy and you don't move out.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's how you know you're a New Yorker.
If you move out, the second shit gets sketchy.
You're not a New Yorker.
Your blood is not here.
Your heart is not here.
We're here through and through.
I was saying this yesterday to Alex, but it's like people are like, oh, it's about to be dangerous in New York.
If you spent your whole life in New York and you get robbed, you didn't learn nothing.
Okay.
If you spent your whole life in New York and you get robbed, you either got set up by your doorman, okay?
Set up by someone at your, and that happens.
Don't act like it don't happen.
You got set up by your doorman.
Your first example is your doorman.
Hell yeah.
The doorman don't live in the neighborhood.
You know what I mean?
The doorman will get you.
You better tip that motherfucker for Christmas.
You got set up by your doorman or you got set up by somebody at your work.
You're not just getting robbed regular.
Like you have some spider senses for if you're about to get robbed or if you're about to get fucked up.
People say this all the time.
Oh, they crossed the street when they saw this group walking.
Yeah, sometimes you got.
Hey, keep it a buck.
That's facts.
Sometimes you cross the street.
If you're on a train late night, there's only one other person out there.
You get off.
Bye.
Get off.
Go to the next car.
You see somebody moving in between the cars on the subway?
You ever see that shit happen?
That happened for two reasons.
There's a homeless person who smells like shit you didn't realize until you got in the car.
Okay.
Or you see some shady things that might be going on and you realize, I got to go to a car with a little bit more traffic in there in case it gets real.
Will crossing the street really help, though?
If you're walking down the street, there's four dudes walking towards you, you're alone on the street.
It makes it certain they're coming for you.
What race?
If they're black, it don't matter.
You know.
Because isn't they?
The crossing the street is wild, disrespectful, right?
But this is what it does.
If you're walking down the same street, you're just walking into the person that's going to rob you.
You're going to work for this.
Do you know what I mean?
Like, I remember once I had this little electric scooter way back in the day, right?
It was called Zappy.
And I'm scooting, right?
There's these dudes at the end of the block, right?
Right now, everybody got election school, but these ghouls in the block, they're like, Yo, that shit is fire.
I love that election school.
That shit is fire.
I was like, It is, ain't it?
These dudes, luckily, I literally live right across the street.
These dudes literally, as I got in the building, I had to type a keep code to get in.
It was the key code.
I had to type the key code to get in the building.
I closed the door.
They're knocking.
Yo, let us ride it.
Let us try it.
I'm like, man, come on, bro.
If you don't get the fuck out of here.
So you learn these things.
We're equipped for this.
We're built for this.
Yeah.
My dumbass, I think I was like 13.
I had one of those motor scooters and I was on the block.
Everybody was on the block.
He was like, oh, that shit's fine.
That's fine.
So I'm letting motherfuckers get rides right after.
They would just go up and down the morning.
One dude just hit a left and kept it booking.
I'll tell you how disagreeable.
Did you have a shy ass cooter again?
I did, but we caught him like two miles away.
Like, we.
Oh, you got it back?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We hopped in a car and went after that.
Okay, I respect that because this is how fucking audacious New Yorkers.
When you steal something from someone in New York, you're going to see them again.
It's small.
That's the thing about New York.
This is the most brave robbers you ever see in your life.
I remember when I was when I was a kid, Upper West Side, where Jerry lived.
Right?
Harsh New York.
Harsh New York.
Upper West Side.
We're at this park, right?
My dad going to play basketball at this park, right?
I want to go, I want to go get a drink or something like that.
So my dad was like, you guys want to keep playing with the basketball, right?
To the kids in the park, right?
My dad does the right thing.
It's the only basketball so they could play with it.
We left.
We come back.
Them kids ain't fucking there.
Ain't nobody.
Upper west side is rough.
Shit isn't rough.
Jerry's good, Jerry.
Abandon that shit.
Might be too thugged out for him.
So next day, we come back, right?
Brand new basketball.
We go, we see the same kids that are playing with a basketball that just got writing all over it.
So I go, I go, yo, I think that's my basketball, but we're writing all over it.
And they're like, no, it's totally different.
I don't know what yours looked like, but it wasn't like this.
This had writing all over it.
These motherfuckers just graffitied my ball and act like it was that bad.
That's why you hate graffiti.
Childhood PTSD.
Yo, you know what, Charlotte?
You're right, man.
I'm a little emotional right now.
All I'm trying to say is, it's just, it's like, look, you are going to learn.
Is that bad?
Because I've done that to somebody.
No, I've been the person who takes a ball right off it.
You took a boy?
This is what people don't realize, like, why you learn these certain skill sets.
Bro, in New York, I took my boy.
He's steal his ball.
What's going on?
Let me tell you, this is some real shit.
I took my boy.
He's from Brooklyn, right?
He's hanging out with me.
Okay.
In my neighborhood.
Okay.
There's a deli a block away from my apartment on Astra Place.
There's a deli on like 9th Street and 4th Avenue.
I know that.
You know the deli, right?
Bullies.
Yeah, different one.
Different one.
But it's on 4th, not Broadway.
So we go into this deli.
This, my boy in my neighborhood, but he's not from my neighborhood.
So he thinks he's in a foreign land.
Okay.
Okay.
We're in the deli.
I see this guy start to look around and shit in the deli.
I'm like, uh-oh, what's going on?
You know, like, you know, your dog's about to shit, but you see him looking at shit before he shits, right?
He starts looking around.
I go, what's going on now?
Hey, hey, what you doing?
He looks at me, kind of smiles.
He takes the whole Snickers box and runs out to Deli.
And he goes, Shults, let's go.
Let's go.
I don't know this guy.
I got to chase after my friend for the Snickers for the guy I go get bacon, egg, and cheese every day from.
That's hilarious.
But that's.
Oh, my God.
Am I wrong?
Once you're out of your little borough.
Son, we would go out of, like, I grew up in Queens.
We'd go out of Queens and then, like, usually to the city.
It's fair game.
I was part of the people who made Times Square not a good thing.
It's dangerous.
But you learn about this shit.
So you learn these fucking skills.
So we're not worried about that.
Can you explain why one person on the train is a bad idea?
I still don't get why you're not.
There's no cameras.
There's no nothing.
And it's a long time between stops.
I'll be honest.
Two people on a train is worse.
Like two people and you is worse.
Do they know each other?
Yeah, if two people know each other and it's you.
Yeah, if it's a group and just me, I'm out.
Yeah.
I feel like some of this is just you have to also, even if New York is safe now, coming from maybe just a bubble of Dallas, we grew up with what their Texas, what New York was.
So I've always kind of had a heightened sense of.
Yeah, I remember I was walking late at night by the projects in Williamsburg, like as was gentrified, but these kids crossed the fucking street and then started walking behind me.
And then I just pulled out my phone and pretended like I was making a call or some shit just to seem like whatever.
And in my mind, I'm like, I fucking hope this works.
Because if they realize they can rob me very easily, it's done.
But that was enough to make him turn around.
But it's like, you just got to have your fucking radar up.
Any big city, I think.
Yeah.
Especially this.
Why?
What do you, what do you mean?
I'm just not good at this shit, bro.
Son, don't trust people.
Somebody one time asked me.
Remember when we were in, I think, Chicago?
Oh, yeah.
Son, a dude comes up to Mark.
He's like, yo, what time is it?
He got a half of a biscuit hanging onto his fucking face.
His biscuit crumbs all over his beard.
Homeless motherfucker.
Homeless fuck.
Ask Mark what time it is.
Like, he got somewhere to be.
This crazy motherfucker don't even got a napkin.
He don't got a job.
He did another.
Mad close to Mark, right up on his shoulder.
It's like, it was almost, he was just waiting for Mark.
But this is instinctual.
But this is instinctual, right?
Mark's dumbass that didn't grow up with this shit.
You could say caring and thoughtful ass.
You could.
I wouldn't describe it in that way.
Mark's dumbass goes and he's like indulging this dude that's about to take advantage of him in some way, shape, or form.
We don't know exactly how.
After the whole interaction, I go to Al, I go, yo, did you think it was, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, it was about to go down immediately.
But that spider sense shit.
Okay, can we acknowledge what you guys did?
What did we do?
You thought I was going to die, right?
Nah.
You thought I was going to get stabbed or lose my phone?
I was about to go down.
It was possible.
And what did you guys do?
And what did both of you guys do?
Close enough to get your phone back in case you started running.
No, you did not.
Both you guys turned and walked away and tried to go buy a fucking Popeye's chicken sandwich.
Yo, it was the height of Popeyes being a little bit more.
Popeye's chicken sandwich.
We had looked through like multiple different Popeyes on kids.
And we sold out everywhere.
Probably from that motherfucker got the biscuit all over his face.
He only got that chicken sandwiches.
You don't know what's going to happen.
We did went to like three different places.
And Mark's had a mad races.
Like he's trying to establish rapport with the black dude.
Mark's like this white country boy.
He's like, do you know where the Popeyes chicken sandwich places are?
Mark just asking random black people where Popeyes are at in Chicago.
I'm the Anthony Bourdain of homeless black dudes, okay?
I got this.
I can communicate.
If I'm being serious, I don't know how to deal with actually navigating that kind of shit.
And yo, you're going to learn the hard way.
And I mean that.
That's the only way you learn it.
That's what I'm saying.
I think somebody had a joke back in the day about this.
I forget exactly who it is.
The Real Estate Problem With Yuppies00:12:00
It's like, in New York, if you see a New Yorker do something prejudice, you got to, like a New Yorker, New Yorker, do something prejudice.
Don't jump to assumptions yet.
Do you know what I'm saying?
Like, you got to match his prejudice and you got to just fucking copy that.
Yo, no, I'm saying, like, if you see, like, the Indian dude, like, follow the kids around a store, don't be like, oh, he's so racist, whatever.
Be like, now he might have seen those kids steal some cheese shit.
There's a, I'll tell you, this shit happened to my girl where she was walking down the street.
This is like the height of the Black Lives Matter protest in New York.
Yeah.
We like, we're walking around.
She's walking alone and she's never been cat called before.
Yeah.
We grew up in fucking Orlando.
Like it never happened.
There's like sideways.
It's adorable.
Yeah.
She'd never been catcalled.
So some guy was like, hey, yo, where are you going?
And it's like some black dude sitting on the stoop.
And she walks past him and is like, oh, shit, is he like a volunteer?
I swear to God, this is what she told me.
The most naive, cute shit ever.
She goes, oh, maybe he's got like a pamphlet or like a flyer.
I don't want to seem racist.
Am I marching in the wrong way?
Yeah.
She was like so concerned.
Like she had like a little bit of white guilt.
Like, oh, fuck.
Like, I can't just ignore this guy.
She was dipping out the march early.
That's what it was.
She turned around and went and talked to him.
No.
And the guy was like, Yo, can I get your number?
Like, you want to hang out?
Like, we can just chill.
And she was like, oh, oh, never mind.
And then walked the other way, just back to where we were.
And she was like, yeah, I don't want to walk home alone.
We're in Williamsburg.
The big thing about being white is you're always afraid to look racist.
I was in Finance and a black kid asked me for directions.
I started giving him.
He's like, can you check on your phone?
And I was like, don't have one.
That's what that is.
Us two here.
I am very robbable.
I don't have a phone.
When we were in middle school, actually, Al, you were probably in elementary school at that point in time, but like there was a thing going around.
This is, you're young.
But this is why it gets ingrained.
When someone asks you what time it is, it was you got the time.
You look down at your watch and then they slice your face open with a box cutter.
Oh, see, I didn't know that.
That's what we had.
But we had, that's when I hear people like, New Yorkers are dangerous now.
And I'm like, you fucking pussies.
Like, we had our principal tell a bunch of 12-year-olds, don't give people the time.
Yeah.
And I know a lot of you like listening right now, like, well, don't they have a phone?
This is before everybody just had a smartphone.
Like, you were using a watch to tell the time.
Do you remember the Buck 50?
Yeah, but that story got way bigger than what it was.
It was like one area of Brooklyn where it was like a gang initiation around Halloween.
It happened to like three people.
And then it was like, oh my God, all around the city, people are getting, and three people is more than it should happen to.
But I'm just saying.
All I'm saying is, like, that's the type of shit that like yourself.
Professionally prepared people.
I never had to be prepared for that.
I got told from school too.
Yeah, that's true.
That's crazy.
And that's why I wear red on Halloween.
He's going to wear son.
The idea of not giving someone the time.
This is how safe the suburbs in the south are.
Not giving someone the time is unthinkable.
How unfriendly are you?
That's absurd.
You're a monster.
In my high school, we had an assembly because a kid put a goldfish in the urnal.
And people just pissing on the goldfish.
Yeah, and that was the extent of our shit golden, though.
That was the extent of what our like high school troubles were.
That's what our principal warned us about.
Bro, we would have kids bring guns to school.
Like, it's just the weirdest.
I remember this kid once brought a gun, but he didn't bring the whole part of it.
Like, he was missing the top part that goes like click, click.
Like, he just had the handle of the gun and he's like in his backpack.
I don't know what he wanted to do.
And I was like, where do you get that part?
Like, he just brought it in for show and talent.
Bro, it was weird.
One of the schools I went to had metal detectives.
Did you guys have lockdowns or like code reds or any of that shit?
No.
Nah, that's your generation.
My school had a policy where if there was like a crime, like a breaking crime or like a criminal on the loose within like five or ten miles of the school, they locked the whole school down.
Really?
So there would be like a bank robbery that happened like across town.
Yeah.
And our school had to lock all the doors.
Everyone had to get under the desks.
Oh, really?
Because of a bank robbery?
Yeah.
I can understand that kidnapping happen shit, but like, that's much more like suburbs.
But like criminal on the loose, like within 10 miles or some shit.
I never had that.
Nah, that's crazy.
But I'm realizing in New York, if you had a fucking lockdown every time a criminal was within three miles of the school, it'd be always locked down.
Like, there's always crime happening.
A little too much accident.
So here's what I think it is.
I think New York.
Watch how you talk about New York, son.
Watch your mouth, son.
I'm weak at this respect.
If New York isn't dead, the New York boom might be dead temporarily.
Yeah, so look.
20 years, who knows?
That's what bothered me about the Altouch article, right?
It's like he acted like since New York isn't constantly inflating its own economy and pricing the people who live here out that is dead.
And it's like, that's not how it works.
Everything is an ebb and flow.
Right.
And the way I look at this, like, honestly, the way I look at it, it's like a blessing in a lot of ways.
Right?
Because like, we had some old ass, it's like a snake.
That's what New York is: is a fucking snake.
Okay.
And it's shedding its skin and the old got to go.
There's no reason why Jerry should be living in New York.
There's no reason why James should be living in New York.
You guys are built for the suburbs.
That's what's for you.
Right.
New York is for the young.
It's for the hungry.
It's for the hustlers.
Like, I'm telling you, I'm saying this right now, and I guarantee there are people in New York that are thinking it's the exact same thing.
New Yorkers, don't get me wrong.
There is economic insecurity, but this is a hustle city.
There are people here already finding ways to make money.
Like, people had printed Obama is the new president t-shirt before he won.
They were waiting on Times Square, ready to sell those fucking shirts.
Like, this is the hustle city.
So, people are going to find a way to get money in New York.
They're going to find a way to take advantage of it.
And, like, I'm looking through that article.
He said, because I wrote a couple things down, he was like, the Time Life building is empty.
What did he say?
The Rockefeller Center is empty.
Like, good.
Who cares?
Like, nobody's going to Rockefeller Center.
Like, there's so many more interesting places to go check out in New York City besides Rockefeller Center or the fucking Time Life building.
Dude, I think the point to this is that New York had so much like deep culture and it had like authentic New York people living here.
And it was these kinds of people that moved in and killed New York in the first place.
Yes.
If New York was dying, it was from these yuppies moving in.
Yes.
He is those kinds of people, but he's a New Yorker.
Who?
Altacher.
Oh, Altatrix.
Yeah, no, he is a New Yorker.
And I give him that.
But at the same time, he is also representing those hedge fund douchebags and all that kind of stuff.
Like, this is what people don't realize.
Like, when you talk about the New York real estate market, we talk about this all the time.
Like, you have perspective because you come from a place where you can buy a home for $175,000.
A home.
A decent home.
$175,000?
Back at least in the 2000s?
Decent.
You could get a decent home, right?
So New York's real estate market, they're like, oh, it's going down 20%.
It's going down 30%.
It's so inflated by people who aren't even living here, right?
New York real estate, especially Manhattan real estate, was the most safe investment in the world.
So what did people with money in countries that suck do?
Take their money, they hide it in a building in New York, right?
They buy some fucking apartments.
You look at these apartment buildings.
There's an apartment building right next to it, that big glass one where we were growing up or when we were living together near there, right?
Half vacant.
It was just Chinese people bought the apartments, never moved in.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So what happens when people buy apartments and they don't even rent them?
Now there's scarcity of apartments.
Those other apartments that are left cost way more.
Now us New Yorkers are being penalized because motherfuckers are hiding their money here.
So now if it isn't as safe a bet to invest in New York, good.
Why should we be penalized for making our city dope?
Like we make it cool.
The artists, the entrepreneurs, the creatives come in here, make it fire.
The chefs, the people that open a small, cool little restaurant, make a neighborhood hip.
We make it fire.
These yuppies come in because they want to take advantage of it.
They ruin whatever neighborhood they come into.
So we make another neighborhood cool, right?
That's why we're in this neighborhood right now.
Because the cool kids are continuing to move further out because that's the only shit they could afford.
Right?
New York's not dead because people are leaving.
It's dead because people are coming.
These fucking nerds come in, right?
And then when it's not comfy for these nerds to do their nerd shit no more or to take more money out of the city, right?
Yeah.
They say it's dead.
The audacity for you to not be able to profit as much as you used to profit in the city off of what we create.
Now you say it's dead because you can't suck any more wealth out of it.
Fuck you.
This shit been live.
It's a beautiful time, man.
I love it.
You're going to have the rich move out and you're going to have the transplants also that can't take it in New York move.
Bye.
Now New Yorkers will actually be able to take advantage of New York.
And you know what else is kind of nice?
For the first time.
I'm looking to move back in if I can.
Again, my girl, suburb girl, I am too, but she's more scared of it.
But the nice buildings that these yuppies all got rent going down.
Yeah.
Now for a decent amount of rent, you can have a nice building in New York.
And I know some of y'all think about it, but what about the landlords that own these places?
That's me.
I'm getting abused by this.
And you know what?
I'm okay with it.
I'm okay.
That's fine.
This is the ebb and flow, the natural ebb and flow of the market.
And if real estate prices need to come down, that's what the fuck needs to happen.
If it's up to me, I'd rather New York with tons of young, cool, creative, hungry motherfuckers.
Not some dude sitting on billions of dollars, just collecting interest and taking up all the reservations at the cool restaurants.
You fucking the city up for us.
So when you say New York is dead, that shit is insulting because it implies that New York is alive because of implants or transplants.
It's never been that.
Y'all have taken advantage of what we created.
So if you want to beat it, fine, beat it.
Bye.
See ya.
Let me try to poke holes.
Please go.
New York is created by New Yorkers.
I'm not in New York.
I won't take that from y'all.
But the transplants do kind of provide like fresh blood.
And having Wall Street and all these rich people does make it more lucrative to have the best restaurant in New York City.
Because you know, if you got the best restaurant in New York, it's a fucking thing because there's so many rich people who pay so much money, et cetera.
I think it all trickles down in that way.
New Yorkers don't go to the best restaurants in New York.
We go to Ben's Pizza.
Then we go to the cool restaurants.
We go to boom.
We go to some random shit that's in a fucking food truck in an alley somewhere.
We go to get the best.
We go to Wohop and spend $40, you and your girl on a meal.
Like we've been going to the same place we always go to.
Then the yuppies find out about it.
Now we got to wait an hour.
We got to put a reservation in this.
We can't even go because it's too busy.
So we find a new spot.
But we're not going to Chipriani.
We're not parking a fucking Silver Lambo in front of Chipriani.
Matter of fact, if we went to Chipriani, it'd look corny.
Like if I'm walking by and you see me at Chipriani, you'd be like, oh, you changed.
I would get criticized by my friends for going to that place.
That place is built for yuppies to feel comfortable in a place they're not comfortable in.
Okay.
That's fair.
That makes sense.
But let me ask you that just the new money.
If you lose that without rich people moving in, the New York economy, it's floated by that, isn't it?
I don't know.
It's floated by it.
I don't know if it's floating.
I don't want to see real estate being inflated, but outside of real estate, it's just a lot of money flowing in.
I think it's, I'll be honest with you, I think it's hurt by it.
Go ahead.
Because I think what really floats the New York economy, not inflates it, but what just makes it float is young consumers.
Okay?
If you have the 1% that has all the money, the 1% can only eat three meals a day, fam.
Right?
You can only go to Chipriani once a day, right?
You can only go and eat in these fancy restaurants once a day.
I'd rather have the 99% living in the city that are consuming three meals a day.
That's way more consumption.
You're moving out all the people that can afford shit and can pay for more things that actually buy stuff.
You got to take the subway just to go shop at Acme or Acne, whatever that fucking store is.
You know what I mean?
Like, I'd rather tons of middle class people, lower class people, upper middle class people that can consume all the time instead of a handful of rich people that can eat one restaurant.
All right, guys, we're going to take a break for a second.
I got to tell y'all something.
If you're new to this podcast, then you don't know.
And if you're not new, then you do know.
Meg Stallion And The 99 Percent00:15:35
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All right, what's next, guys?
Obviously, look, we know there's a lot of shit going on.
And sometimes there's stuff going on, like this Meg The Stallion thing.
It has all the elements of something that you would want to care about.
Right?
Like, and this is the problem with it, right?
It's like everything about it, I should care about it, right?
Oh, I thought you were saying like their presence.
Like, they're like a whole birthday presence.
Like the lingerie I bought for you fucking sale, you fat bitch.
That's a parachute.
So, so the uh so the the thing with this story is we've been trying to give a fuck about it.
For some reason, I don't give a fuck about it.
And I blame Tori's height.
I mean it sincerely.
I think there's something about how small he is, which makes me feel like even him shooting isn't as bad.
Does that make sense?
He's defenseless.
Yeah, like, and like, I don't know.
Like, I just don't feel like he could aim that good.
What I think is also, the feet is just such a weird Yosemite Sam ass way.
Ain't he black Yosemite Sam?
Ain't Tory Lanez.
You think before he shot Meg, he shot straight down on the ground and lifted up in his 90s?
Oh, you dog gone.
And then he just started shooting at the fucking feet.
Oh, I was thinking Elmer Fudd.
No, Yosemite Sam, the little cowboy.
Yeah, with the mustache and shit.
Yeah, dude.
I was thinking Elmer Fudd.
Yeah.
That's the one that goes out.
That's all, folks.
Oh, that's the pill.
Yo, can you pull up a picture of Yosemite?
This is if Tori Lanez was a cowboy.
No, fuck.
That's Elmer Fudd.
What's that one?
That's Woody Woodpecker.
Right?
What'd he do?
He was shooting black bitches?
Woody Woodpecker?
Yo, Tori, you can't be out here shooting these black women.
Yo, do you think, okay, do you think you would care more if Tori shot another rapper that was a man?
Bro.
If he shot like Lil Wayne or some shit.
He should fight Lil Wayne.
That's a fairer fight.
Dude, it's like Midger Russell.
Could Tori beat both of them up at the same time?
You mean could Meg?
Could Meg beat both Tori and Lil Wayne?
Well, no, if Lil Wayne and Tori got on each other's shoulders, then I think they could take her.
If they had to combine into one rapper, with like a big jacket or something, that would be fine.
If they were in the Transformers, Te Megatron out here, yo.
She has to be fucked up.
I don't know why I'm not taking it serious.
Like, if a rapper of normal height shot even at her feet, I think I would be like super offended by it.
But there's something about how tiny he is, which makes it seem insignificant.
Like, I feel like maybe he was coming at her and then like she just grabbed his head and like kept him there.
You know what I mean?
Exactly.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Maybe that was it.
I don't know exactly what it is.
Why don't I care about this story?
A man shot a woman.
That should be enough.
Right?
I think.
Right?
Why is this not serious to me?
No, it's serious.
But it's not.
It's not.
Right?
Nah, nah, he should be deported and all that, but I don't know.
You're right.
There's something.
What are you going to do with him?
Put him in a little bird cage.
Do you think you can't put him in jail?
You got to put him in one of them little circle things and then gets to carry that shit around all day.
Do I think what, Mark?
Do you think that his career is done?
This is the weirdest thing.
Usually, if you're a rapper, you're involved in shooting.
It elevates your career.
Right.
But this could be the first shooting that actually hurts a rapper's career.
And Tori could use all the elevation he could get.
He could.
Because he's short.
Yeah.
5'3.
Do you think he's done forever?
His career is over?
Yeah, he's done forever.
I don't know.
Something happened.
We thought Chris Brown was done forever, and we saw the pictures.
That's what made it hit home more was the pictures of a woman's face with Chris Brown.
He wasn't done.
Tori don't, he don't, he's not as good as Chris Brown.
That's a good point.
Yo, who did something worse?
I thought Chris Brown was done.
So is shooting the ground near a girl's foot worse than punching girl in the face?
I wanted to know that.
Whose action was worse?
Tori's or Chris Brown?
No, neither is okay.
If Tori was like, I literally was not trying to shoot her at all, like clearly I shot at the ground, okay?
Because the front of the gun is matte heavy.
Do you think when he shot, he launched back like a cartoon?
100%.
Yo, did he actually make a very good case for gun control, gun control?
Because, you know, they say your kids could get a hold of the gun and do damage.
That's what happened.
The baby got a hold of the gun, yo.
That's true.
100%, bro.
Nah, dude, this is, there's something wrong with this.
There's something wrong with this here.
And I almost, it kind of sucks that Chris Brown keeps getting brought in here because we're looking for something to equate it to.
Yeah.
We're trying to make sense of it.
Yeah.
And for whatever reason, I think shooting a girl's feet near a girl's feet isn't as bad as punching a girl in the face repeatedly.
Well, if he intended to shoot her feet, though, I think that's what it was.
They were having a dispute in the car, and she was like, oh, I'm going to go walk back to where I'm staying.
And he was like, nah, you're not walking anywhere.
Oh, that's a Mafia Don shit.
That's wild.
That's the story I heard.
That's some Joe Pesci shit.
Again, there's nothing to this story.
This is the third time we've tried to talk about this.
How about this?
Yo, yo, Riddeno, how about this?
Yo, Meg, Tori, stop being so boring, yo.
Stop being so bored.
Like, how you have the juiciest story ever, and it's mind-numbingly boring to me.
Canadian rappers, bro.
It's a Canadian rapper, bro.
Stop it with this rah-rah thug shit.
Yeah.
Get emotional.
That's the theme of this podcast.
Get emotional.
And Meg the Stallions.
Stop dating short guys.
How is Meg the Stallion not with a fucking tall human?
Waka Flaka.
Waka Flaka's tall enough.
Luca Dongchich.
Oh, yeah.
He gave her that name.
Luca Dongchich need to save Meg the Stallion.
That would be so ill.
That would be...
Montrez Harrell need to shut his mouth forever, bro.
Do you know what I mean?
Because he looks like a breed of...
He looks like an actual stallion.
And if Luca takes one appropriately named person for Montrez away from him, bro.
Took his prize pony out.
Took his prize pony.
Dog, I'm telling you.
I think Tori had the fastest fall off of anyone I've ever seen in my life.
I didn't even know he climbed, yo.
2020, he had the highest climb in the climb.
Quarantine radio was huge.
He was in a hot tub with Kylie Jenner and Meg the Stallion.
And now he's like the biggest bum of the rap world and might never make music again.
But he's fire at making music.
He got to put out a song, yo.
And there's a time he got independent.
Son.
He got independent at the height of his career.
And then fucked up the whole shit.
That's why there could be little conspiracy theory going on here.
There could be.
It really could be.
But seriously, it's mind-boggling how this is boring.
And it's got to be fun.
It's fun to talk about the snitching angle.
People are saying she snitched and she shouldn't have.
And then all these people, like, yo, gangsters, shut up.
I'm tired of y'all with your fucking rules about snitching, yo.
We're fucking what's the rule, yo?
Can't y'all get a constitution like America?
You nerds.
Well, technically, if you're not, if you're a civilian, then you're allowed to snitch and she's not part of this.
Shut up.
Shut up.
That shit didn't apply when you were killing motherfuckers who were civilians that were snitching on you, right?
The second civilian is snitching on you for killing somebody in the neighborhood, all of a sudden they get killed, right?
You're not like, well, they're a civilian.
That's what they're supposed to do is go to the cops.
True or false, Al.
Ooh, that's true, bro.
True or false.
It's valid.
I like some consistency from my gangsters.
I would like that.
Tired of this shit.
Every gangster feels like they got to talk about it.
The code is a civilian is allowed to snitch.
But then they kill all the motherfucking civilians.
I mean, I don't see that happening.
I'm sure it's just like word of mouth type of thing.
Isn't that like more of a mob type of situation?
You don't think that happens on the streets?
No, I think like the mob does that, but I don't see too much like in the hood.
But then again, I'm not in the hood, so I don't know what the fuck's going on.
I don't know.
All I'm saying is all these motherfucking gangsters were like, 6'9, not a real gangster.
6ix9ine, not a real gangster.
And then he did some not a real gangster shit.
And they're like, oh, now he's a rat.
He's a snitch.
It's like, you said he wasn't real.
And then he did the shit that not real gangsters do.
So why are you mad?
And now you're defending Meg the Stallions.
Yep.
Yo, y'all are boring.
Not y'all.
Meg the Stallion, Tori Lanez, bro.
Y'all got a damn near duel.
You had a fucking duel.
You had a shootout.
Yeah, they went full Hamilton on it.
They went full Hamilton.
Only one of them had guns, though.
That's what happened with Hamilton.
I'm not talking about Tori.
I'm talking about Meg's biceps, yo.
I really feel bad that Meg hasn't been able to spin this shit.
Lou, see all this dead air?
Yeah.
God damn, bro.
She was more interested in talking about her wet-ass pussy.
Real talk.
I mean, there's something.
There's something.
No, no, no, no.
This is unbelievable.
This is unbelievable.
We have an actual shooting.
What is happening in America?
There is a shooting that is involving famous people.
And we can barely feel five minutes of conversation about it without everybody in the room just going, we're fucking bored.
Yeah, guys.
Nothing to say.
Yeah.
I may deport him, sure.
But like.
6ix9ine is the goat.
Oh my gosh.
6ix9ine is more entertaining getting on his private jet from his fucking room than Tori Lanes and Meg the Stallion in a fucking shootout.
6'9 is the fucking GOAT.
Think about it, bro.
Yeah, he's locked in his fucking house.
Locked in his house, three music videos.
Meg the Stallion hasn't even written a diss song about the guy that shot her.
Get to work.
Put down the carrot.
For real.
It's basically literally, I don't know what to say.
I cannot believe it.
There's a certain point in time where you got to deliver.
She did that one Instagram live.
Yeah.
Right?
Yeah.
No album release, no song, nothing.
I think some of her friends had some verses for Tori, right?
Tokyo Jets or whatever like that.
Do you know who that is?
The rest of the city girls?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
More than one.
Say what?
I didn't know there was more than one.
The city girls.
It's plural in the name.
I thought you were just talking about her like squad or whatever, like the Nikki fans.
Boys to men was more than one guy.
What the fuck?
That's crazy.
I know it's more than one rapper, son.
She got a whole stable.
See how boring it is?
Motherfuckers don't even look that shit up, bro.
Something's off.
I need Lil Duval in the case.
Lil Duval needs to help that girl out, bro.
You got to turn this into something good.
I think she's done with short dudes for a while.
I think you are a little dude.
She don't even want to hear about short dudes.
Anyway, Luca, take that down, bro.
Both of you got bummed ankles.
Y'all can just heal up together, use this, probably the same size sneaker, use the same fucking ankle brace for both of y'all for real.
And be more interesting.
Tori, say something.
Tori ain't saying nothing.
He ain't saying shit.
Tori's an idiot, bro.
He shot this chick for no reason.
What a fucking dummy.
That's what I'm saying.
What a fucking dumbass.
This is the problem with short dudes: is that this one girl tries to walk away from him and he's like, nah, I'm going to shoot you.
That was his solution.
Al, as a Puerto Rican, you've probably experienced those emotions.
Is that a normal thing?
No, I've never experienced it.
No, no, no.
He's the one walking away.
Nah, that usually happens in his life.
That being said, Latinos are very, very rambunctious when it comes to rejection.
Have you ever been rejected?
I have.
And were you rambunctious?
Not to the point of shooting a woman.
But did you get Puerto Rican on it?
Did you make it a whole fucking outside debacle?
Puerto Ricans take the breakup outside.
Yes, I might have.
I saw myself outside.
I saw some rice and beans.
Did you take the breakup to the streets?
Because that's how the Latins do it.
Latins be taking the breakup to the middle of the street.
Walk out on the wife beater.
Oh, yeah.
You're my cinnamon apple.
That's a good point.
Now, that dude is black, right?
He must have some Dominican in it.
Yo, that's another New York tip that I don't know.
What do you do in that situation?
Because this happened like the fourth or fifth time to me.
What, the outside breakup?
Where I see an outside breakup and the girl's like, help, someone help me.
Hey, you, the gay guy with the bun.
Can you call someone?
Oh, that's a tough situation.
What are you supposed to do?
You got to help her, but just, you might get fucked up.
It's just casualty.
Listen, you never interrupt the breakup.
What do you do?
I saw one interrupt.
What's the worst could happen?
Girl getting shot in the foot.
All right, guys, we're going to take a break for a second.
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Oh, man.
I'm being serious.
What do you do?
Calling The Cops On Physical Danger00:06:19
I was walking down the street.
This girl was like, help, he stole my phone.
And the guy's like, no, she downloaded him.
She's cheating on me.
Oh, yeah.
No, no, no.
If you think it's physical danger, you got to do something.
What you going to do when a guy was willing to hit a woman in public?
Somebody just called the cops.
That's what I said.
That's the line.
I say someone called a cops and then the dude is usually like, all right, thanks, fam.
And then you kind of like befriend the fucking abuse.
The fucking abuser to save the girl.
You saving the girl.
You got to manipulate him.
Just say someone called the cops.
You say, yo, someone just called the cops, man.
Y'all should chill out.
They're coming.
You don't know what's you?
You say someone.
Yeah.
Yo, some pussy just called a cops.
Sorry, bro.
I know you was finna beat her up or whatever.
I did that to a girl and a guy.
They were arguing on the street.
And the annoying thing about the street arguments, this annoying thing about the street arguments, they're back together the next day every single fucking time.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Every single street argument I ever seen him in my neighborhood.
Yeah.
Big old fucking calamity.
Next day walking down the street eating Mr. Salty together.
Mark.
Get in between the guy.
Don't get in between.
A man willing to hit a woman on the street, Mark.
If he's going to hit a woman, he'll kill me.
He can, but just be like, yo, it ain't worth it.
It ain't worth it.
And then bring up the cops.
Can I tell you what?
If I'm honest, Al, you're going to get him killed.
Let me tell you why.
That man, that man wants to hit that woman.
He'll die a hero.
I don't.
Key of the city type shit.
You want to go out like that.
You're not even king of the city.
We never remember that guy.
You get the key.
No, you don't.
You get the key.
Who's the guy protecting a woman?
You get the key to the city.
You can't get in.
You get the battery tunnel?
Early access.
You get the fucking key going to do, bro.
That master key.
You get it.
Master key to what?
That's like an easy pass.
FC's mission.
Right now, gyms are closed.
You can go in any gym all to yourself.
Let me tell you why you not get in the middle.
That man is so angry.
He is about to hit a woman in public, but he knows the scrutiny that comes with that action.
That taboo that comes with that.
Exactly.
He is looking for someone else to be the punching bag.
Yes, you.
So you have to befriend that man in a, you have to.
You have to.
Throw the first punch.
In order to.
Is that what you meant?
Actually, that might work.
Nah.
That might work.
I mean, punch him.
I mean, punch him.
I want to be clear.
I'm not going to just gang up.
You're like, yo, what did she do?
Get her.
Nah, nah, that shit is, you got to be careful in those environments.
Al, you're not stopping none of that shit.
Yeah, I do.
Stop it, bro.
Son, I do.
I have.
You not, you not separating.
And I saw a dude like in Shorty's face, and I stepped in.
I'm like, yo, chill out, chill out.
It's not worth it.
Chill out.
All that shit.
And then you bring up the police.
So he'll.
Okay, but here's the thing.
It's not worth it is a very important line.
That's something that you got to tell people.
We've all stepped in.
There's a difference between stepping in and going, how the fuck are you going to talk to a girl like that?
Oh, yeah.
I'm not saying stepping on some aggressive, you gonna fuck him up.
Exactly.
Stepping on something.
My neighbor, but I could tell from his accent he was South Indian.
And I was like, I got that motherfucker.
Bang, So, wait, your neighbor was fighting with his girl?
I heard this yelling, and it was like, I know it.
You know what I mean?
I know it too well.
And I stopped for like a minute outside the hallway.
And then this guy walks by me and we both kind of stop.
And I'm like, yo, do we need to do something?
He's like, hell no, man.
And he just walked off.
And I was like, all right.
And then I hear.
And then I was just like, I got to do something.
So I bang on the door.
Then I hear scurrying footsteps to the bathroom.
Door closed, locked.
He opens the door, chest heaving.
He's mad little.
So I'm bold now.
I'm just like, what the fuck are you doing to your wife?
And he's like, what are you talking about?
I said, oh, no, what the fuck are you doing to your wife?
And then he said, where do you live?
I said, don't worry about where I live.
This.
And I said, his apartment number.
I was like, that's where the cops are coming.
And then he's like, no, no, no, come inside.
I'm like, get your fucking mind.
I'm not going inside.
The cops are going to go inside.
Don't worry about it.
And then he starts yelling at me.
I start yelling back.
And then at that point it's done.
That's how you handle that shit.
Did you call the cops though?
I did.
I snitched.
I'm a snitch.
I'd probably go in the apartment, bro.
That's where I fucking.
This dumbass would.
I'm like, yeah, I will investigate.
Actually, that's a great idea.
Now that you mentioned it.
And then you give him a reason to fuck you up because now you're inside his house.
Yo, the cop said when they came to your apartment, they like fled.
Really?
See, they go together.
And I see this guy.
I see this guy all the time.
That should be pissing me off.
I saw him that night with my girl.
And I'm like, ah, fuck.
Now he's on my shit.
You think he looked at you like, man, I heard that shit from your fucking apartment?
Why y'all acting like people don't yell?
Why are you acting like voices ain't getting rape?
Real talk.
That's why I waited for a minute because I was like, it could just be Indians fighting.
And we'd be yelling a lot.
That's why he asked me what apartment.
I've been heard that shit from 3Q.
That's good couples counseling, though.
Neither of you guys are trying to call the cops on each other.
You know what I mean?
Like, both you guys are trying to mediate.
If I didn't hear that noise, I wouldn't have done it.
I'd have been like, all right, I think it's just a fight.
You need me to wait a minute or two and see.
He's going to call the cops on you guys.
You're calling the cops on him.
Yo, can I tell y'all something?
I'm passionately fucking.
You know, in the argument, you just start fucking.
I wish he came out naked.
I'd have been so relieved, yo.
Uncircumcised ass dick.
Oh, y'all fucking.
Okay.
You see, when he comes out really clothes, chest even, there was something else going on.
He might beat you up then, bro.
I don't know.
If he walks out naked, you go, oh, thank God.
That's how you can tell neighbors ain't shit.
Like, neighbors only care about themselves, right?
Because, like, I've had neighbors complain about my dog barking, right?
But I once scared the shit out of my girlfriend.
She didn't know I was in the apartment, right?
And she was just walking around, and I just jumped out and she screamed at the top of her lungs.
Bloody murder.
Bloody murder.
Fuck, fuck.
Screaming.
Neighbors didn't call her down on the fucking door, man.
Neighbors didn't care about this bitch's health.
The second she stopped screaming, it was like, all right, we're good.
I'm fine.
Fuck neighbors, yo.
Yeah.
Well, you got to do that every once in a while.
Keep your shorties sharp.
What do you mean, keep her sharp, Al?
Make sure she can handle that situation if you just had to jump out on her.
Like what?
Keep Your Shorties Sharp For Fights00:09:46
Al ever says about a relationship is straight out of a Tory Lane school.
So she can defend herself.
Make sure she's ready for us today.
What's she going to do, bro, if some dude creeps up on her in the house already?
Like, if you start to prepare yourself for it instead of just like screaming, then you like put your guard up or try to throw a punches on her.
So you're going to teach her to be like, I said, Alex.
Oh, shit.
So when it actually happened.
I know we got it.
Fuck.
I didn't think about that.
That is true.
I thought I was like a boxing coach and shit.
No, dude.
Now she's not going to be on her P's and Qs at all.
Fuck.
Oh my God, bro.
Now, to the neighbor's point, with the neighbors criticizing you for your dog.
Yeah.
I kind of understand it.
Oh, yeah.
Mark hates you.
You want to know why I understand it?
Mark hates your dog.
I've never seen Mark hate anybody.
This fucking idiot stepped in shit.
Okay.
All right.
What a fucking idiot.
Okay.
What fucking fucking adult steps this shit?
What do you mean inside?
Yeah, I know.
How stupid are you?
I understand if it's on the street you step in shit, but how you don't see shit inside?
All right.
Of all the room.
No, no, no.
This is important.
Of all the room, all the square footage in this studio, you step in the one place where there's shit.
Okay.
So this is the shit.
You did it on purpose.
You did it on purpose.
You saw this shit.
Okay.
And you fucking stepped in it.
So Andrew forced his girl to get a dog or something for some reason.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So now they have two dogs.
We do have two dogs.
And now take cookie to fucking work.
He's been bringing this shitty dog that smells weird into the studio.
It doesn't smell good.
The dog, you have a Joe Biden dog.
You know that?
Your dog is fully Joe Biden.
It's dead on the inside and it smells.
My dog's hair does look like Joe Biden.
You can sit my dog on Joe Biden's head and it would look no different.
You got a Joe Biden ass dog and it fucking smells up the whole fucking studio.
Okay.
And so now, and then there's pee pads everywhere.
Okay.
If you don't know what a pee pad is, basically like a trash bag with a fucking paper towel on it that's full of pee for three fucking weeks and it never gets picked up ever.
I pick him up multiple times a day.
There's just come up multiple times.
It's a goddamn studio.
Yeah, yeah.
Mark is upset, right?
This morning, I reached the upset.
I reached the tipping point.
Yeah, yeah.
You did.
Why'd you reach Tiffany?
I reached the board.
I'll take notes.
I reached the boiling point this morning because I opened the goddamn door after having a really hard day, okay?
It was 9.30 in the morning.
I opened it up.
My eyes were shut and tired and kind of crusty because I was sleeping.
Okay.
And then I opened up the door.
And the second I opened up the door, I stepped one foot into the studio.
It is right up front.
Yeah, yeah.
With awesome shoes, with really cool shoes that make me run fast.
And as soon as I step in the studio, all of a sudden I squish and it's not studio ground.
What is it, Andrew?
It's shit.
Yeah.
Now, can I tell you?
From who?
From what animal?
From Cookie.
From Joe Biden dog.
Yeah, from Joe Biden dog.
Now, I also step in his shit.
It's girl.
All your dogs are girls.
They're all guys.
All dogs are guys.
We know this shit.
All dogs are guys.
Okay, I also step in the shit.
Did it go all over my shoe?
Yes.
No, it didn't.
Yes, it did.
No, it didn't.
I saw you walk into the bathroom with one shoe in your hand saying I'm about to go clean it.
It didn't go all over.
It didn't go all over it because it went all over his stupid fucking shoe, fucking idiot.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Hold on, hold on.
Who stepped on it first?
I did.
Okay, but I did.
How do you step on shit?
What a fucking idiot.
How stupid is he?
He stepped on shit.
How dumb is he?
I stepped on him at all.
He stepped in shit as it is.
It's on him.
He just covered more of his shoe because you flattened it out by stepping on it.
He steps on shit and steps on shit and doesn't clean it up.
First of all, I didn't know I stepped on shit.
Okay, because I don't step on shit and then smoosh it all over the place.
Wait, what?
This guy stepped on shit and then smushed it all deep down.
You're not putting out a fucking cigarette.
I did.
I didn't think he was wrapped all up around the side of the shoe.
It's crazy.
It's like a fucking boot.
Yeah, because I'm strong legs.
I step strong and firm.
I wish I got shot in the foot compared to what happened.
You look like a shoe horn, dude.
It was all wrapped around your fucking shoe.
But that's your fault.
It's not my fault.
Okay, and I'll tell you.
You walk lighter.
I'll tell you, I don't see it.
Why'd you walk so heavy?
I don't want to tiptoe like you.
It was on my heel.
I don't heel toe.
You're like a little ballerina walking.
That's what I was doing.
All I'm saying is the shit ended up being all on your shoe.
That's your fault.
You should have known that.
So you stepped in shit, didn't clean it up.
Can I explain to you the second reason why this is the worst?
Okay.
Is that always on there?
Is that I walked in.
Okay.
First of all, I don't even think it was shit on your shoe.
I think it was just dirt.
And then after you saw me step in shit, you were like, oh, me too.
That's crazy.
And then you went and cleaned it.
It was just like some random dark, like dirt in your shoe.
And you're like, whoa, both of us have shit in our shoes.
First of all, I didn't know I had shit on my shoe.
You pointed out that I had shit on my shoe.
I was like, oh, did it happen to you too?
You were standing there and I knew you were re-carving shit all over your shoe.
You just wanted someone else to have shit on your shoes.
You're like, oh, you got some dark shit.
And then I, so that you didn't feel so stupid, I was like, oh, I also have some shit on my shoe.
I knew you were like, it was gum.
I had gum on my shoe.
And you went and cleaned it from me.
I cleaned it off anyway.
And you know what?
I didn't even clean it.
I just went over there and I just forgot to clean it.
So it's still on my shoe.
I just remember right now, I didn't even clean it all.
It's probably still in my shoe right now.
This is the most annoying part.
Is I walked in, Andrew's sitting in the chair, like just fucking on his phone, just texting away with the worst posture of all time, looking like a fucking candy cane.
And I walked in, I was like, hey, Andrew, there's shit on my shoe.
I just stepped in shit and now it's all over my shoe.
And it's from your dog that you're bringing this.
And what did you want?
Do you want me to hold your fucking hand?
And I looked over and I said, Andrew, there's shit all over my shoe.
And you looked up and you were like, whoa, that's really weird.
And then you went back to texting immediately.
What do you want me to do?
Mark, you want me to untie your shoe for you?
Clean it up.
I'm not going to clean up.
You just stepped all over it.
If I step in your dog's shit, you have to clean the shit up.
That's the rule.
Technically, I did.
I did clean up the mess you made.
What message?
The shit was lying delicately on top of the carpet.
Yeah, it's the first step into the studio.
Okay, it was your second step.
I thought I like this dog.
Okay, look.
Perfect.
Perfectly.
Perfect.
Because if the carpet is there, not for you.
It's there for the bikes.
Mark, you found a way to like stuff your foot underneath one of the tires of the bike.
You stepped on that shit on purpose.
I would never.
Yes, how many times have you stepped on the fucking carpet walking into the studio?
I don't.
Absolutely none.
How many times have you stepped on the carpet, walking in the studio?
Don't be a contrarian, be honest.
I'll be stepping on that shit.
Thank you.
Oh, God.
He don't understand ganging up at all.
I ain't stepping on that shit.
You had no friends growing up.
He does understand.
He doesn't understand ganging up.
We're putting you in the space.
It was like literally the pool basketball where you throw and then you throw and this fucking goofball over here.
I've been stepping on the body.
His pair of Tims and step to that fucking shit with exactly.
You would never desecrate such a beautiful shoe.
You would never desecrate such a beautiful shoe, such a perfect shoe.
Point is, don't be a fucking idiot, Mark.
Look where you're walking.
How are you going to bring a dog in the studio and make people step in?
Son, I've never seen Mark hate anything so much in my life.
As soon as I saw him, did I bust out laughing as soon as I saw your face?
I've never seen Mark so hate.
Look at the bottom of these shoes.
Ain't no shit at the bottom of those shoes.
Because you cleaned it.
I didn't clean it.
I brought it in there and I sat down to take a shit and I forgot about it.
I just took it back.
That's what happened, bro.
Come on, bro.
Watch.
This guy's going, fuck.
This guy's about to crack, yo.
Watch where Cookie shits next.
Just watch.
No, she took her shit for the day.
It's all over your shoes.
Yo, she set you up.
She did.
She fucking set your ass up.
Who came first?
Akash or Mark?
Mark.
Mark came first.
She knew exactly who was in the studio.
She doesn't seem to like you.
That's the thing.
That's a fact.
I have noticed that.
Every time I'm on that couch, you'd be trying to get up.
I'm cute.
Hey, hey.
You and she don't give a fuck.
Literally before you walked in, she laid a fat shit on the ground.
She did.
And she did not do that with anybody else.
Can we say one thing?
Let me say.
Within like minutes.
Within minutes, bro.
You just got just got here.
It could be seconds.
Hey, I'm trying to be fair for real.
Mark, though, you can't criticize a dog for smelling.
Dog can't bathe himself.
So who can you criticize for the dog smelling?
My girl.
You.
My girl needs to watch that little son of a bitch.
Okay.
What am I supposed to do?
Take it to work every day and wash it?
That is true.
I don't be washing our dog.
Also, how often do you got to wash a dog?
Once a week.
What?
Once a week.
You got that kind of dog.
That washes a dog more than me.
That seems crazy.
Once a week?
You got that kind of dog?
Because they don't shit.
Nah, baby.
I'm washing it.
This is monthly.
I'm just thinking about maybe.
I think maybe I was doing dog abuse because I watched that motherfucker like three times a week.
Was that too much?
Three times a week?
Yeah, that's why you hated your dog.
That's too much, bro.
Washing him like a fucking dog.
Not like a human?
It's like a Mark human.
Nah, bro.
You can't wash a dog that much.
I didn't have a dog for a long time, and I found a beautiful family for it.
So please, nobody call the cops on me.
So you give a dog up for adoption.
I see how it is.
I see how it is, Al.
I see how it is, Al.
Oh, nah, beautiful cocktails bani.
All right, guys, we're gonna take a break.
Let me pay some bills for a second.
Guys, stop having those horrible mornings after a night out drinking.
That can stop immediately.
No days wasted.
You don't need to waste days, okay?
You got all these toxins built up in your body.
You need to break them down before you wake up the next day.
You got to break them down during it.
Government Efficiency And Stock Market Losses00:14:33
And what's going to help you?
Break them things down that DHM detox.
That's right, okay?
Pills, convenient little package.
Pop a couple after you have a couple drinks.
Give them to your friends.
I'm telling you, it is amazing.
No days wasted.
You not feel horrible the next day.
You go to no dayswasted.co, okay?
No dayswasted.co.
Slash flagrant.
No dayswasted.co slash flagrant and use promo code flagrant at checkout and you'll get 20% off plus free shipping.
You have nothing to lose.
Also, if you're not fully satisfied, send it back to them.
Let them know you'll get your money back.
That's it.
Simple as that.
You got nothing to lose here.
Okay.
If the day is wasted, you send it back to them and you get your money back.
I just read it again.
You don't need to send it back to them.
Just email them.
Oh, wow.
You'll get it back.
All right.
So go do that right now.
Let's get back to the show.
All right.
We back.
Look, let's talk about some shit that we know nothing about, but it will make sense.
Let's go.
The stock market being lit.
Yeah.
Even though there is potential impending doom for the economy.
Right.
Because usually the stock market is an indicator of the future.
Yeah.
Right?
Yeah.
Like people are making guesses on the future.
So you would think motherfuckers are like, let me not invest in this shit.
If the future of the economy looks grim, I'm not putting any money in here.
Why the fuck is it lit?
Robbie, who works on the monologues with Mark and myself, had an interesting point.
He said something like, and I got to, maybe Mark, you could check out some facts on this while we say it.
He said something like 90% of the wealth in the stock market is controlled by 1% of the population or 10% of the population.
I'm not getting these exact numbers right, right?
All feelings, no facts.
Oh, there's all feelings, no facts.
But an absurd majority of the money in the stock market is controlled by an absurd minority of the people investing.
Therefore, those people are not as affected by the pandemic.
They still have money to invest.
Those are not the people that lost their job at, you know, well, not UPS because that shit is booming right now.
Everybody needs to deliver, but lost their job at a restaurant or they lost their job at the bowling alley or these things that have to be closed now.
So since those people are the ones that are liquid already, they haven't felt the catastrophic effects of the economy changing.
They can still take that money and invest.
Trying to poke a hole.
Please.
If you are those rich people, I remember Patrice saying that legit changed the way I look at money.
He said, if you're like, you really understand money, when bad shit is happening, you're getting like your dick is getting hard.
There's people who saw like the earthquakes in Haiti and they were just like jerking off.
To that point, if you're those guys, you're not buying right now because you know the stock market's about to dip.
Let me wait till it dips and then let me buy.
Bad shit is here.
Well, it did dip once.
It dipped, but it still seems like the real recession hasn't started.
Yeah, yeah, but it did dip once.
What happened when it dipped?
It went back up.
No, but you got in.
I bought in.
So if you are the layman's investor, you know the fucking banks are all about it.
Yeah.
I would presume that they're making investments to protect themselves for the potential dip of the economy.
But it is interesting, and I think it is dependent on who has the money.
This could even fit your theory because the point I was, the theory I was told that I believe was after the election, this shit is going to get real.
Right.
I think Trump is trying to, they said they think Trump is trying to keep things inflated so it looks good.
And then after the election, real numbers start coming out.
Or it could also be if Trump loses the election, the rich people are going to be like, all right, well, this is about to, we're about to get taxed more.
So let's not buy up so many stocks.
Let's start figuring out different ways to maneuver.
Right now, shit is good.
We're got, so the stock market's elevated.
We got more to put in.
Yeah, it could be.
It's just interesting.
Like because of the lack of middle class people investing in the stock market, it's become this like utility of the wealthy.
And I'm not trying to make this episode some like, let's consume the rich shit.
Like, it's stupid.
I'm just saying, if it is, it's not an accurate reflection of the people.
Right.
It's an accurate reflection of how rich people are doing.
And there are a lot of rich people that made a lot of money during this recession.
I mean, if you look at billionaires, they came up.
Yeah.
Right?
Bezos came up.
Gates came up.
Yeah, people judge them, but they just, I'm telling you, there's a thing that when shit is all falling apart, there's also a ton of opportunity.
And if you get that, that's a big thing to get.
We're an example of that.
We came up.
Yep.
Right?
Like, our podcast has grown four times during this band.
You got to be a little bold.
At the height of corona panic, you and I talked and you were like, what do you want to do?
And basically we're just like, look, if you get that shit, we get that shit.
But we're meeting in person because there's opportunity here.
Let's grow.
No, I like, I don't know.
I mean, I like those situations where everybody's, you know, assholes are tight.
I think that that is, for me, I thrive in those kind of environments.
You know, I know a lot of people, the pandemic came, they're like, I'm going to go back to my family's fucking ranch and then chill out of my family's ranch for a few months.
It's like, oh, you don't want this.
Yeah.
This is game time.
Yeah.
It should have been go time.
Second this shit hit and you realize, oh, nobody's going to be doing content.
Are they going to be doing these whack ass Zoom calls and all that kind of stuff?
You should have been buckled down.
Yep.
Like literally, I don't know if we told the people this when they were about to like shut, remember they're thinking about like shutting down each borough?
I almost rented a place in Brooklyn so that I could get here on the bike, right?
I was talking to, I was talking to like different, I was talking like different like news and journalists and shit to see if I could get us like these journalist passes and then we could go wherever we wanted in the city.
Like you gotta, you gotta make time for this shit.
Yep.
It's gotta go.
And it's worked out.
Yep.
So yeah, there's there's opportunities to thrive, man.
There's opportunities to thrive in this shit.
It's easy to sit back and go, woe is me.
The government isn't giving me enough money.
How can I be better?
It's like, what does that do?
How has that ever worked for anybody?
I don't know.
We always lose this lesson, but after I almost went broke, I realized you save money when times are good so that when the rainy day comes, you make that shit rain.
You start putting money in everything.
Now you can really build what you got.
Have you ever heard that theory that like self-pity is just the other side of narcissism?
Okay, go.
So basically like self-pity is like narcissism obviously would be this idea that like, oh, I'm so self-important.
Everything's about me.
Always thinking about me.
Self-pity is not.
Self-pity is just the opposite manifestation of that.
It's like, oh, like the world is conspiring against me.
I'm so important and my life is so valuable that me feeling bad for myself is the only thing that I can do because the whole world is trying to make me feel bad.
Yeah, so if you're going to think about yourself, you might as well do it in a positive way.
You want to make the whole world about you.
You might as well do it in a positive way.
You might as well be, yeah, okay, the whole world is conspired to put me in this situation where I can help, you know, make my podcast blow the fuck up or make my content sell.
There's a lot of people killing it right now.
There's an opportunity for you to fucking kill it right now.
Yep.
I don't know why people don't see this.
There's no competition.
All the competition is chilling in a fucking ranch.
I never heard the saying, fortune favors the safe.
Safe and sound steady.
I never heard that.
It's true.
Yo, go beyond that.
It's not to act like we haven't gotten fucked or like lost money or these kind of things.
Like, yeah, of course.
There are people that lost all of us.
This guy's special taping got pushed a year.
Yeah.
I was finally starting to sell out shows consistently and then Corona hits.
Boom.
So, you know, you'll be good.
How do we feel about people who are upset the government is slowly like giving them less money?
I mean, I understand.
That's a good question, Al.
I understand the people that go, you're telling me I got to shut down my business and you're not going to give me any money.
Like, let me at least try to make my business compliant.
You know, like in New York, in Long Island, Governor Cuomo shut down outdoor events that were socially distanced with masks.
What the fuck do you want from us, bro?
Yeah.
It's like we're complying with everything.
Yeah.
And you're still going to shut it down.
You got to let these people make a living.
You got to let them try.
If you give them the rules and they find a way to operate around your rules, let them give it a fucking try.
What about the complaint?
Some people say that there are some people that are making more money from the money the government was giving and unemployment.
So be it.
Nothing, no system's going to be perfect.
And there are a lot of people making more money, right?
And so be it.
It is impossible to like carve out the exact amount of money that every single person should get based on how much they've, like, you have to just kind of do this blanket thing.
You have to kind of understand that you don't want to just give too much money away, print too much money because then inflation could get crazy, I guess.
I'm not an economist.
But I also like, listen, let's be honest.
There was like a trillion plus dollar bank bailout 12 years ago.
That's like $4,000 for every human being in America, man, woman, child.
So like, we're just, we're doing it a little bit differently.
Maybe it's costing a little bit more, but we've done this before.
Yeah, we printed money to give people before, and now we're just giving it to people.
My concern with the businesses is just like if you tell them the rules and they find a way to operate around the rules, don't continue to shut them down.
Yeah, you know, especially when cases are super low.
Like, when I mean, like, just let them fucking try.
That's what I don't like.
When you just snip their feathers so they can't even fly, like, let them fucking try.
If you say you got to be outside, you say you have to be six feet apart, you say you have to have all these screens up, just give us all the rules.
Then let me find a way to win with those rules.
I'll find a way to win.
But every time I try to find a way to win, you shut down again.
Now I'm pissed off at the government because now it seems like you're not even going to try.
And you're cutting the funding.
And you're going to cut funding.
You're going to literally throw my life's work away.
It's not me, but I imagine it's a restaurant or something like that.
You can throw my life's work away for something I'm complying with.
And then when there's a protest, and don't get me wrong, we support the protest, but when there's a protest, you're like, oh, no, no, people should be able to peacefully protest because you want their votes.
Like, that is where you have to understand the business owner is upset.
They should be able to protest, and I should be able to conduct businesses as per fitting your rules or whatever, as fit your old rules when the pandemic was crazier.
Yeah, man.
I mean, that shit is just corny.
And I understand you're doing it to like save people, et cetera.
But like, are you really, bro?
I mean, that would be their argument.
That would be their argument.
I think they're just trying to get re-elected.
So they're like, okay, we got to keep numbers down in every way possible so that I can get re-elected.
And maybe I don't care about those small business owners that are probably going to vote Republican because they appreciate the Republican tax incentives way more than Democratic ones.
So I'm already not getting their vote.
So fuck their business.
I literally think that's what it is.
Where the Black Guys Matter protests are like, no, no, I need them to support me because I'm a liberal governor.
I'm a liberal mayor.
I'm whatever it is.
I need them to support.
So whatever they want to do, we'll allow that.
And that's totally okay.
I would imagine there are way less rules on small businesses in Republican governed states.
Oh, there are.
Is that true?
What do you mean?
In terms of like businesses operating, restaurants having outdoor seating.
Texas opened up so fast.
That's why cases spiked in a lot of those states.
But there is a happy medium.
I thought the way New York handled it for a long time was really good.
Now, though, as cases are really low, you can open things up slowly.
I don't think you could, you don't need to be Arizona.
That's the thing I'm saying.
It's like they closed out Governor's Island when they were doing, not Governor's Comedy Club on Long Island, when they were doing, for Tim Dylan's show, when they were doing outdoor socially distanced seating.
We just did that exact same show in New Jersey.
Yeah, that's the one rule I don't understand, but they are slowly opening stuff.
Like gyms are supposed to be open next week.
Good.
So it's like they're slowly opening stuff again.
It's just maybe there's something they realize that, oh, with these outdoor situations, it's still, if it's tented and people are still too close.
Like, I'm sure there's a reason why they just all of a sudden we can't do that.
I just think that that reason is manipulated by politics.
And I don't even think he's just trying to get re-elected.
I think Cuomo got his eyes on the White House in 2024.
Yeah, 100%.
This is not even, this is like I'm the hard nose, whatever, whatever he's trying to present himself as in 2024.
These are the things he's putting in place now.
Yeah, but and trust me, I'm really not arguing for their side.
I can just see their motive behind it because it's like, hey, if I'm doing this for reelection, I'm also doing this to save lives.
I don't know that, because I feel like there's other things you could have done to save lives.
Yeah, but I mean, like the strict.
So why don't you think that?
Why do you think they're totally cool with all the protests?
Because that would impinge on people's right to protest or whatever.
So it's like that.
You could very easily say comedy show is freedom of expression.
You could also say you have the freedom to make a living and you're removing their right to make a living.
I understand.
Then they say, oh, and we're supplementing your income with now.
You're reducing it.
Yeah.
Do you think that like the conservative governors in places like Florida or Texas are also just trying to get reelected by keeping businesses?
I don't think they're just as hypocritical.
Everybody panders to their fan base.
Sorry, go.
I just imagine that in Florida, a lot of the business owners are probably more happy than they are maybe up here.
100%.
Because they're like, yeah, I'm still making money.
I'm still open.
I think that Cuomo is like, I'm okay if some black people die or some white people die or whoever's going to Black Lives Matter protests die or their grandparents die just as so the majority of those people at those protests vote for me.
Are happy with me.
They're happy with me.
And I think that the governor of Florida is like, I'm okay with some restaurant goers die or their grandparents die or some small business owners die just as just so that the majority of the people there will vote for me.
And I think, honestly, it sounds sociopathic to think of, and it probably is, but that is the type of decision that you have to make as a governor.
Every decision you make, you got to be a little sociopathic.
Yeah.
I also think this is probably, I haven't thought this through enough, but like, I don't like re-electing officials.
I don't think they should have that option.
You get six years, eight years, whatever you want, but you get your one term so you don't spend the whole term just trying to get re-elected.
Because that's all they do the entire time in office.
Oh, these guys vote me to make them happy.
These guys vote me to make them happy.
You could argue, though, that there's like an efficiency, there's an efficiency problem with that.
Like, and they say that sometimes with like the awareness of the American workflow, which is like the second you get good at your job, you're promoted.
Yeah.
And now the person who replaces you isn't as good as you were.
That's why I would be in favor of extending it from four years to six or eight or whatever.
Give them eight.
I don't care.
It almost like fits the caste system perfectly.
It's like, well, yeah, you just stay there and you do that thing and you get amazing at that thing.
Yeah.
And then it will be the most efficient.
And then these people do this thing and they'll get amazing at that thing and they'll be the most efficient.
Politicians Voting To Make Themselves Happy00:02:51
Nah, I like the way you tried to make me feel that shit.
And I wanted to be on board real bad.
Well, I mean, it was the British idea.
It was all right.
We thought we tried that with you guys.
But no, no, you understand what I'm saying.
So like some people might argue, I completely understand, like, especially these fucking congressmen that have two-year sense, what is it called?
Two-year terms.
Yeah.
And they spend the entire two years just trying to get re-elected.
It's like you're not going to be able to do that.
They're campaigning the whole time.
Yeah, exactly.
That being said, like there is something to say, okay, you did four years.
You understand how the system works.
You understand government.
You've built up these relationships.
Maybe you can get more done in your second term.
Who knows?
I think the idea is that way you're always kind of trying to prove yourself and then you can get re-elected.
But the flaw in that to me is most people don't vote.
So those guys just prove themselves to the one who do.
But if you just had your one term, I want you to have a vision and see that vision through.
Let's see what you got.
I feel you, man.
I feel as far as businesses go, it's like, yo, you got to decide what the fuck the rules are.
If we can't be inside, fine.
But let businesses figure out how to operate within the rules.
And if you keep on removing their ability to function and their ability to operate, they have every right to be absolutely furious with you because it seems like an attack on them and their livelihood and their families.
Particularly with live performance, that's such a part of New York.
Like, that's a thing people move here for is to be a jazz musician, a stand-up comic.
Like, this is a part of the economy that exists here and really only here.
But like, that's what, that's a draw for your city.
You can't shut that shit down.
I don't, I don't understand.
There's literally a person with a microphone yelling things into it as people outside watch and support.
Did I just describe a protest or a comedy show?
It's the same.
Well, are they socially distant?
Because if they're not socially distant, it's a protest.
Then it's a protest.
If they're socially distant, then it's a congressional, it's actually potentially safer.
Like, what the fuck?
Yeah, maybe not as important, but safer.
It isn't as important.
Yeah.
It's comedy.
It's fun.
Yeah.
But it is undeniably safer.
And if these rules are to keep people safe, not to get people re-elected, then you should allow it to happen.
Am I being absurd here?
No.
I mean, you just say that, oh, well, comedy shows aren't essential.
Protests are an essential thing.
Yeah.
And so we're just cutting out all the non-essential stuff.
Anything that non-essential, we're going to criticize.
Everything essential will sort of.
All right.
So then stop serving alcohol.
That's not essential.
You know what I'm saying?
Like you're keeping liquor stores open and shit.
They're like, oh, we want, we don't want homeless people OD.
And it's like, shut up.
No, you have the liquor lobby that bullies the fuck out of you.
Used to keep it open.
It's like, that's what I'm saying.
There's tons of shit that is not essential that's still open, right?
The croissant shop is not essential.
Getting a croissant, that's an essential business.
Cronut.
I got a crow nut the other day.
That's essential?
That shit slapped all day.
That shit did slap.
It's literally all built up to be.
What's the name of it?
Don Ansel or something?
Yeah, something like that.
Yeah.
No, it was fire.
Criticizing Non-Essential Liquor Stores00:04:39
It was absolutely fire.
All right, guys, we're going to take a break for a second so you can get some delicious cereal in your life.
Stop messing with all those cereals.
They got all that sugar.
They got all that bullshit.
Okay, have your kids all hyped up before they get home schooled.
I don't even know if they're going to school.
I don't know what the situation is with your kids is or your life.
What you need to do is get a little bit more healthy.
Okay.
You need to get some nutrients in your body, but you don't got to stop eating cereal.
You don't have lettuce for breakfast.
You got to have something absolutely delicious.
You're going to have that magic spoon.
Okay.
Magic spoon, we're telling you, four delicious flavors taste even better than the same cereals we all grew up eating.
Okay.
You got that frosted, you got that cocoa, you got that fruity, and you got that blueberry.
They added flavors.
They got a peanut butter one now.
They got a honey one.
Will you get off the couch?
Actually, you could do it from the couch.
Just order that magic spoon.
All you got to do is go to magicspoon.com/slash flagrant.
You get that variety pack.
You try it today.
Use our promo code Flagrant at Checkout.
You're going to get free shipping.
Free shipping.
Now, here's the other thing.
Magic Spoon is so confident in their product.
It's backed by 100% happiness guarantee.
If you're not happy, they will give you your money back.
I don't know what else to tell you, bro.
You either have the most delicious cereal that you've ever had in your life that's actually good for you, or you get your money back.
There is nothing to lose.
Do it.
Let's go back to the show.
Yeah, look, let's just do some feelings, no facts, because I feel like a lot of this episode was feelings, no facts.
Yeah.
You know, all feelings, no facts, but I don't know if we specifically hit all feelings, no facts.
Why don't you just throw us some topics out that we didn't hit yet?
And then we'll do all feelings, no facts.
But please do not mention anything with Meg or Tori or any of that more shit.
All right, bang.
Major wildfires in Northern California.
How do you think?
Everything's been burning for years.
This shit happens every year.
Who cares?
I'm starting to really be concerned about because when I was in Aspen, shit was burning.
This is what's interesting about media is like, remember when Australia was on fire?
Yeah.
Did it go out?
I guess so.
Yeah, it had to.
Right?
Like, what?
Remember when the Amazon was on fire?
Nah, I didn't even hear about that.
Amazon was on fire, right?
Did it go out?
People said they did that shit intentionally, though.
People said the media said that they were manipulated.
Even Brazilian media, this guy was like a representative for the Brazilian president, is like, yeah, there's fires all the time in Amazon.
This is a normal thing.
Like, stop.
I think all the G8 countries came together and they donated $10 million.
$10 million to an entire country.
And the president really was like, keep your fucking money.
We never asked for you.
So I don't even really understand what fires are.
And I have a sneaking suspicion that not only are fires quite normal, it's just what the media plays into when there's nothing else going on.
As long as black people aren't getting shot, there's fire.
The second black people are getting shot, fires don't matter.
I really think that.
That's the problem with Australia.
Y'all don't got enough black people.
Y'all killed all your black people.
And then now you got to talk about fires.
I think this shit happens every August in California.
Yeah.
Every August.
There's fires.
I'm done.
It's just, I think, as of lately, they've started to get out of control a little bit more.
Last year was the craziest fire ever.
If it ain't that whole giraffe burned Whitney, who's out there trying to save a fucking giraffe?
You don't see that shit?
First of all, if you're giraffe, you don't see them fires coming.
That's on you.
You should have been out, right?
I don't know about these fires, bro.
Like, should shit not catch fire?
How'd we find out about fire?
Because shit catches fire.
Yeah.
Right?
Like, also, put it out.
Yeah.
I mean, I can't argue with that.
Yo, like, what's taking so long?
You're right by the water.
I understand if Arizona catches on fire, that's a little bit difficult.
There's no water around.
Yeah.
If California catches on fire and y'all can't figure out a way to get all that water right there, you do have every year to plan for this.
So you have 11 months a year to be like, yo, this shit is coming.
How do we get ready?
You just take the hose and put it there.
Yeah.
More hoses?
Yeah.
Why is this so difficult to turn off the fucking fires?
Open up the fucking fire hundreds.
Long-ass hose from the ocean.
Just pull on it from one side and get that shit going.
Go in and boom.
Done.
That shit rocket.
And everybody, they got helicopters and planes dropping.
No, Hose.
Oh, maybe you got a plane, drop a big-ass water balloon running.
You don't even need you getting too extra.
Just a hose.
It might.
You need a lot of hoses, though.
Get a lot of hoses.
Sprinkler system.
Put a sprinkler.
Why isn't there a sprinkle system in the forest?
Bro, it's the same fire every year, right?
It's not a different area.
The fires come from.
Same fire every year.
That shit needs a little bit more water.
It's the same fire every year.
I think it's the same fire.
I think it's the same fire every year, bro.
I think it literally starts in the same place every year.
California Fires Starting In The Same Place00:05:36
Son.
That's what y'all get.
California.
Can't smoke cigarettes nowhere.
Got to walk damn near into the forest and smoke a cigarette and then the whole shit is on fire.
All right, it's Republican National Convention.
They said a few of the people look cocained up.
Who cares?
Khali, good for them.
Yo, anybody who watches any of the national conventions is a fucking dork.
It's a pep rally.
You're gonna watch it.
You know nothing about cocaine, you loser.
Whoever's watching it wouldn't know what the fuck that is.
Come on.
And let them get fucking riled up.
Who cares?
I just love that both sides are trying to get the Benedict Arnolds of each party.
Yeah.
I'm a Democrat, but I'm here for the Republicans.
I'm a Republican, but I'm here for the Democrats.
It's like, bro, get all this shit out of here.
Let's go.
Luca hitting that game with him.
Yo, he's going to be one of the greatest players of all time.
And I'm not even just saying that because I'm a Mavs fan.
It's so fucking ill.
We got this guy.
It's a little early.
Nah, he's going to be one of the barring injury.
He's going to be one of the greatest players of all time.
We're going to see.
We're going to see.
No, we're seeing.
I want it.
I want it to be.
That's my white boy.
I don't know.
That's my white boy.
I want it to be true because I know it's pissing off motherfuckers right now.
Oh, he's driving them crazy.
He's driving him fucking.
He's driving them fucking.
Watching game three where they sprained his ankle.
They were like trying to rough him up and calling him white boy.
He's like, yo, you're not going to get to this guy.
He is from hell.
Whatever hood you're from, he looks at that shit like it's comfy.
This is what it feels like to have like Serena Williams on your team.
Oh, yeah.
You know, like how black people are like, oh, sick.
I just want to see what's going on.
Nah, fuck that.
He is white Barack, yo.
So this is like he is changed.
Tiger Woods, Serena, all of Barack.
All of basketball.
Barack.
Yeah.
Barack, Hope, change.
Bruh, both from rough backgrounds.
You know what I mean?
Luca probably didn't have any letters from his father to go off of.
That motherfucker just out here doing it.
Yeah.
Barack's not from a rough background.
I grew up in Hawaii.
He ain't had no dad.
That's what I was going off of.
Who who?
Like, how great is America that, like, if you don't have a dad, it's like so tragic?
Do you know what I mean?
Like, half the world, their dad gets like killed by a fucking lion.
Right?
Like, what's the big deal about this, right?
I don't know.
I'm just saying you're not getting the Luka is all I'm saying.
That's white Barack.
All right, what else?
Um, Batman trailer.
You guys saw it?
Yeah.
Fire.
I think it looked pretty cool, man.
Fire.
I look pretty cool.
That guy, that guy, Edward, whatever his name is, Snowden.
No.
What?
Isn't it?
What is his name?
That's the guy that's Twilight.
I was thinking scissor hands, bro.
I'm glad you said that shit.
No, what is this guy's name?
Robert Patton.
Robert Patton.
Oh, yeah.
Twilight.
Just having a little moment because he's also in that movie Tenant, the new Christopher Nolan joint.
Is that good?
I mean, it's Christopher Nolan.
He don't flop.
He don't fail.
Like, he does not fail.
And they're releasing it, though.
I don't know what's going on with that.
I really just.
I saw they were playing it in some drive-ins only in places where theaters weren't available or some shit like that.
Yeah, that's going to be a tricky one to make money off of.
But I would pay.
I do the rental shit for that for sure.
Yeah.
Chris Ranolan is that.
I might buy a bigger TV for that.
Fuck it.
Hit my apple.
All right.
Here's the last one.
Kellyanne Conway.
You heard about this?
This is lit.
Yo, this is.
So Kellyanne Conway is that bitch that works for the president.
I don't even know what she does.
Worked for the president.
Advisor.
She's like senior advisor.
All right.
So she's an advisor.
Her husband works for the Lincoln, I think, started the Lincoln Project, right?
Which is this super anti-Trump thing.
Yeah.
And their daughter.
Republicans.
Oh, it's anti-Trump Republicans.
Anti-Trump Republicans.
That's interesting.
Okay.
So their daughter is just like wilding on social media.
Yeah.
But it is interesting that you have these two, this one family.
And there have been families that are like diverse in terms of their political leanings.
Like there's that guy, I forget his name, Jim Clyburn.
Is that his name?
He looks like Red Skull.
Okay.
He's got like a southern accent and he always talks about like Democratic strategist shit.
Oh, yeah.
The Cajun dudes.
Yes.
Yeah.
I forget his exact name.
He's an old school guy.
I remember.
Old school guy.
He's a Democrat.
Wife's a Republican.
And then they have this relationship.
Everything's what's interesting about this family is they just collected checks, bro.
Yeah.
Like you can see that motherfuckers just collected.
Kellyanne Conway is collecting the Trump check and her fucking husband.
They both have no morals, no values.
Just where's the money at?
And the husband's like, oh, we can make money on the other side, all these Republicans.
Okay, go get that money.
And then the daughter is outing them.
Yep.
So then they both had to stop getting that bread.
And I kind of respect it.
Yeah, 100%.
I respect the mother for leaving the White House.
I don't think she's doing it straight for her daughter, but she didn't have to announce that she's leaving the White House.
Oh, no, she's doing it for the White House.
The White House said, be gone, Thought.
You can't control your little bitch-ass daughter.
Oh, I didn't know that.
No, this is my assumption.
Oh, okay.
All facts.
And all feelings.
No facts.
But I guarantee he's like, yo, we can't have all this smoke going into the election.
Like, your fucking stupid daughter is tweeting.
You know, like, Trump is like, listen, my wife hates me.
She won't even hold my fucking hand, but at least I keep this bitch's mouth shut.
You got your daughter just yapping away.
Right?
Also, Melania, hold his fucking hand, bitch.
Like, that should be pissing me off.
He saved you.
Your country only has electricity.
Okay.
You could be roasting your ass off in the summer and whatever fucking Luka Doncish is probably.
One of them fucking fake Russian countries.
Point is, you got saved.
You got to put eight years in a stupid relationship for the public, and then you get to do whatever you want for the rest of your life.
Not only that, after he's not in office, I'm sure she can make money by divorcing him and writing a tell-all book on how awful it was.
Just put the eight years that he's not even at home.
He's golfing as he's doing some president shit.
I got a bid.
And you could do bids in a lot worse places than the White House.
Hold your fucking husband's hand.
I feel like shit.
He's probably doing that thing he does to other presidents where he says, who's boss?
And squeezing the hand.
He just squeezes too hard.
Luka Doncich And Fake Russian Countries00:01:52
That's funny.
His little ass hands just pinching, biting away at him.
Yeah, maybe that's the case.
I don't know.
Look, I just feel like you got to put some respect.
You got to have some respect, bro.
You know what I mean?
It's like you're going to go through all these other photo ops.
You're going to speak and all these other different.
I'm sure she's going to speak at the Republican National Convention.
You're going to do all this other shit.
You can't hold his hand walking down from the fucking plane.
You're going to do it and you know it's going to make money.
I think she actually is already planning her book and her divorce and her escape.
Oh, yeah.
And that's why she's doing these little things now.
Like, I couldn't even hold his hand.
You guys know I was silenced, blah, blah, blah.
And then that book in a cell going to fly off the fucking shelves.
Left wing people are going to jerk off on page nine.
That might be enough for me to vote for Trump just to put her through that torture for another four years.
That might be enough.
Like I wasn't before I heard that, but now the fact that she's trying to get over after he saved her from her fucking Yegzamesh country.
Do you know what I mean?
You know, a bunch of Borats and fucking goats walking around her neighborhood, and he plucked her out of that shit.
Come on, bro.
Yegzemesh sounds like breakfast at a Jewish spot.
Yegzemesh.
Some Yegzemesh.
Anyway, look, guys, that's been another episode of Flagrant 2.
Is there anything else we need to tell the people before we get out of here?
Nah, I got a show.
Oh, shit.
September 4th in Royers, Pennsylvania.
Okay.
It's the Soul Joel Comedy Festival, I believe.
I'm headlining, but it's an outdoor amphitheater.
They're not shutting it down like pussies.
So come out there September 4th.
Tickets are available on my website.
Go get tickets.
Akashing.com.
Also, we will be here Friday.
Patreon.com/slash Flagrant2.
Biggest comedy Patreon in the world.
Not bragging, but we are.
Maybe that's just a fact.
There's no feelings right there.
There's no hard feelings.
None of the other comedy patrons.
We're just the biggest one in the whole fucking world.