Flagrant - Andrew Schulz & Akaash Singh - The Roast of AlexxMedia | Patreon Clip Aired: 2020-03-20 Duration: 11:16 === Welcome to Flagrant Two (10:22) === [00:00:04] I didn't know we started. [00:00:05] Guys, what's up, everybody? [00:00:06] Welcome to another episode of Flagrant 2 with a Patreon episode. [00:00:11] What up, asshole Army? [00:00:12] What up, family? [00:00:13] Listen, I know a lot of us have been anxious. [00:00:15] We've been a little bit nervous. [00:00:16] There's been a lot of change going on. [00:00:17] We're worried about our parents. [00:00:19] We're worried about the economy. [00:00:20] We're worried about our well-being. [00:00:22] There's a lot of worry going on out there. [00:00:23] Well, what we've decided is for the next, however, long this podcast is, we're not going to worry. [00:00:28] We're going to have complete and total distraction. [00:00:31] And the way we're going to do that was a brilliant idea by a man named Alex Media. [00:00:36] I don't know if you've heard of him. [00:00:38] You probably haven't seen him unless you follow him on Instagram. [00:00:42] Then you've seen too much. [00:00:43] But we have it's Alex Media's birthday, right? [00:00:48] Two days ago, because this is coming out Friday. [00:00:50] It's Alex Media's birthday. [00:00:51] Now, Alex had this brilliant idea. [00:00:54] He goes, Yo, why don't you guys roast me for my birthday? [00:00:58] Right? [00:00:59] That's like literally choosing your own nickname. [00:01:02] It is the worst thing that you should ever do. [00:01:05] That being said, it was such a great idea. [00:01:07] We decided to do it. [00:01:08] So let the roast of Alex Media begin. [00:01:13] Hey, okay, so Alex has been wearing gloves and a face mask because he doesn't want to spread the virus and potentially kill someone. [00:01:23] And just imagine that. [00:01:24] You know, Alex wearing protection so he doesn't have to kill something. [00:01:29] Alex, you're actually the opposite of the coronavirus because you do kill kids. [00:01:35] Oh, shit. [00:01:42] Alex left the police force to become Andrew's cameraman so he could finally shoot a white man. [00:01:47] But instead, he keeps getting abortions and killing innocent black kids. [00:01:50] Sorry. [00:01:51] Sorry. [00:01:52] Half black kids. [00:01:53] Yeah, half black kids. [00:01:56] Marquito? [00:01:57] Alex never fucked black girls ever. [00:02:00] Only white girls. [00:02:01] The only N-word they're allowed to yell is no. [00:02:07] Don't nod in agreement. [00:02:10] I don't know. [00:02:10] What do I say? [00:02:11] That one was good. [00:02:12] You got that. [00:02:13] It wasn't relatable. [00:02:16] It's funny because it's true. [00:02:17] It had to be there. [00:02:19] Not in agreement. [00:02:20] Something they're not doing. [00:02:21] Something had to be. [00:02:23] Okay. [00:02:24] Alex was briefly a cop, briefly a nurse, briefly a father multiple times. [00:02:30] And it's important to note that Alex is black and Puerto Rican. [00:02:38] From the waist up, he's black, strong, muscular, athletic, you know. [00:02:42] And from the waist down, he looks like he hasn't had electricity for months. [00:02:47] Those legs are starving. [00:02:51] There's a hurricane on those legs. [00:02:56] All right. [00:02:58] All right, I got it. [00:02:59] No, seriously, Alex, all jokes aside, I think you're inspirational. [00:03:02] I know you had a rough childhood, and I think it's dope that you vowed that when you have kids, you would never let them live a life. [00:03:14] I'll never let you go through what I went through. [00:03:16] Like it's birthful. [00:03:19] Those kids are grateful, bro. [00:03:20] They'd rather be dead than have Alex as a dad. [00:03:27] Bro, Alex spells. [00:03:28] Alex. [00:03:30] What did you think was going to happen? [00:03:32] You realize who you asked to roast him? [00:03:34] You asked the most savage individuals. [00:03:37] We just made a dance parody about people having coronavirus. [00:03:43] All right, go market. [00:03:44] Alex spells his name with two X's for every fetus he's killed. [00:03:49] Shouldn't it be three? [00:03:51] Honestly, we should. [00:03:53] That's it. [00:03:54] Should be Alex. [00:03:56] Alex with three X's. [00:03:58] We should call you Vin. [00:03:58] Your legs aren't diesel. [00:04:02] Okay. [00:04:03] Alex. [00:04:03] Alex got more exes than brasers. [00:04:06] I'll take that out. [00:04:07] Okay. [00:04:08] Alex, you look like you're training for the Paralympics. [00:04:14] Yo, big biceps roll around a wheelchair. [00:04:17] Too bad they can't roll back a condom. [00:04:20] You have so much unprotected sex, you should change your name to Alex Chlamedia. [00:04:26] Bro, Alex is top heavy. [00:04:28] Alex is a top-heavy dude. [00:04:29] He is so dense that if he got lynched, it'd be punishing the tree. [00:04:37] He's the type you drag behind a truck. [00:04:39] Yeah. [00:04:40] That tree is looking like this. [00:04:41] Paulie, you make those willows weep. [00:04:46] Alex would be pissed if he got lynched. [00:04:48] Not because he's dead, but because it's over 18. [00:04:51] The tree in years. [00:04:55] Oh, man. [00:04:56] Alex, I was actually going to write some more really good abortion jokes, but in honor of you, I'm going to kill them before they can reach the fucking arm, bro. [00:05:06] That was a banger, too, dude. [00:05:08] All right, Mark, go. [00:05:10] All right. [00:05:10] Yeah. [00:05:10] You know, Alex is Puerto Rican because he's so good at cleaning. [00:05:13] He cleans everything. [00:05:13] His apartment, his car, his girlfriend's womb. [00:05:19] She cleans your room. [00:05:21] You clean her womb. [00:05:24] All right. [00:05:25] Alex's girl is vegan. [00:05:27] She loves animals. [00:05:28] Obviously, she's dating a Puerto Rican. [00:05:32] She loves vegetables. [00:05:33] And that's great because Alec is built like a carrot. [00:05:37] He looks like he uses a wheelchair. [00:05:39] Oh, fuck. [00:05:45] No, I just am extra focused on mine because I fucked up the last one. [00:05:48] Andrew owes you more than you'll ever know, Alex. [00:05:51] You work tirelessly to help him build his empire. [00:05:54] I don't know what he pays you, but I'm assuming it's 40 acres and a mule. [00:05:59] Yo, that's actually, that's true, bro. [00:06:01] Alex has gotten so much more light skin in the past like two or three years from always standing in Andrew's shadow. [00:06:10] Mark, he is my shadow. [00:06:15] Seriously, though, that's what my mom calls him. [00:06:18] He's your shadow coming. [00:06:20] He's his little shadow friend. [00:06:24] I mean, but really, though, you are like the little fish that hangs behind the big shark. [00:06:28] You know what I mean? [00:06:29] You would be that if you could swim. [00:06:34] That's good. [00:06:36] Now you feel that. [00:06:38] So you get used to it. [00:06:39] At first, it hurts. [00:06:43] A little painful, but then you get over it. [00:06:45] You know? [00:06:46] Isn't that what you've said before? [00:06:48] Oh, man. [00:06:51] Alex, just bite the pillow, bro. [00:06:53] It's good. [00:06:55] Alex, if you didn't want to do this, what would your plan be? [00:07:05] Okay, I got you. [00:07:06] Oh, man. [00:07:07] Alex, you have carried guns to Philly, ended relationships, and gone to jail for Andrew. [00:07:11] I haven't seen a friend like you since Samuel L. Jackson and Django. [00:07:16] Damn. [00:07:17] Damn, man. [00:07:22] Mark. [00:07:23] All right. [00:07:24] Akash is Hindu. [00:07:26] So he worships cows. [00:07:28] Alex is black, so he just fucks them. [00:07:34] Alex, they weren't saying no. [00:07:36] They were saying move. [00:07:39] That's not really fair. [00:07:40] I feel like Alex does actually offer a lot to his girlfriends, right? [00:07:43] Like, he offers like protection and comfort and citizenship. [00:07:46] You know what I mean? [00:07:47] To say he does nothing, I don't think is fair. [00:07:49] I don't think that's fair to say. [00:07:50] Yeah, I got you, bro. [00:07:53] Who's Alex like, Mark? [00:07:55] What? [00:07:56] Who's Alex like? [00:07:56] Like, if you had to compare him to a leader, who would he be like? [00:07:59] Oh, no, bro. [00:08:01] I mean, I thought you meant like anything. [00:08:02] No, no. [00:08:03] You can say an ostrich is what he looks like mostly. [00:08:07] No, but isn't he like Trump, though, kind of? [00:08:09] Oh, yeah. [00:08:11] No, you are like Trump, dude. [00:08:12] He is exactly like Trump. [00:08:13] I mean, he's. [00:08:14] Yeah, I mean, you probably fuck more refugees than Trump has. [00:08:17] That's true, right? [00:08:18] Probably. [00:08:19] For me, yo. [00:08:20] What else? [00:08:20] What else? [00:08:21] I mean, he gives the white refugees citizenship. [00:08:23] Yeah, that's true. [00:08:24] You know, hates them 100%. [00:08:27] What else do you think? [00:08:29] I mean, you separate mothers from their children. [00:08:32] Yeah, that's true. [00:08:39] Oh, man. [00:08:40] Oh, man. [00:08:42] Goes bedroom to cage, bro. [00:08:44] That's the one thing that's what it is. [00:08:45] Oh, man. [00:08:46] Oh, man. [00:08:47] All right. [00:08:47] Any other ones? [00:08:48] No, I know at the end of the day they roast, but at the end, it's always friendship. [00:08:51] You, dude. [00:08:52] Well, no, no, we're not doing that yet. [00:08:54] Okay. [00:08:55] We got more roasting to go. [00:08:56] All right, Mark. [00:08:57] Yeah, hold on. [00:08:58] Let me see. [00:08:59] Man, whenever we travel, Alex always tries doing the blackest shit everywhere we go. [00:09:04] Like, he tries to go into Obama's favorite restaurant. [00:09:06] We try to go roller skating or like he gets arrested. [00:09:09] You know, everywhere. [00:09:11] Everywhere we go. [00:09:12] I think there's one more. [00:09:14] Mark has a good one. [00:09:16] Do you have more? [00:09:17] Do you know the one that I'm talking about? [00:09:18] Yeah, I got one. [00:09:19] All right. [00:09:19] Maybe you dropped that one. [00:09:24] No, that's the one. [00:09:25] You know the one I'm talking about. [00:09:26] Yeah, right now. [00:09:28] Well, I'm not going to say the other ones that I had, like how Alex's autobiography is going to be called Around the World in 80 Rapes. [00:09:35] Yo, be more like Alex, man. [00:09:37] No one to abort something. [00:09:39] Get out of here. [00:09:39] I'm having too much fun. [00:09:41] This is so pent up. [00:09:42] I had to share a room with this motherfucker for a year, dude. [00:09:45] This has been building. [00:09:46] I was like, yo, Andrew's like, write some jokes. [00:09:48] I was like, I have them. [00:09:50] This shit's already written. [00:09:52] Yo. [00:09:55] Yo, Alex is. [00:09:59] He has. [00:10:00] That's true. [00:10:01] Because I remember when he walked. [00:10:10] Oh, my God. [00:10:24] I thought that wasn't the bitch. === Join the Illest Community (00:49) === [00:10:26] Oh, you didn't hear it? [00:10:28] Oh, no. [00:10:29] I thought it was dead. [00:10:30] Yo. [00:10:30] Oh, my God. [00:10:33] We're going to need to do a little trimming on that. [00:10:37] Okay, now listen, we're not done yet. [00:10:39] There are other roasts. [00:10:40] Okay. [00:10:40] Yeah. [00:10:41] We have some of Alex's famous friends. [00:10:44] Let's start with Charlemagne the God. [00:10:46] Are they doing a roast to you and they wanted me to participate in the roast? [00:10:50] Now we got Weezy. [00:10:54] Al, everybody is always confused at how we are such close friends, but we've never slept together. [00:11:02] Yo, what's up? [00:11:02] This is Akash. [00:11:03] That was a preview of our Patreon episode. [00:11:05] If you want the full thing, go to www.patreon.com/slash flagrantrue. [00:11:10] Join the illest community on earth unless you're a social justice warrior. [00:11:15] Then you're just going to ruin the fun.