Flagrant - Andrew Schulz & Akaash Singh - Maybe It's You ft. Michael Blaustein
Aired: 2019-11-22
Duration: 10:28


=== Retrospect on the Dragon Act (05:27) ===

[00:00:04]  Guys, we have a guest today for the Patreon.
[00:00:06]  Our friend Michael Blaustein is in the building here.
[00:00:11]  Blau, one of our first friends in comedy.
[00:00:14]  One of our first comedy.
[00:00:16]  You've heard many stories, and then he'll get to what I said.
[00:00:19]  Thank you for coming.
[00:00:20]  You've heard many stories about Blaustein from this podcast.
[00:00:24]  Now, before we get to that, I want to finish this KD situation with Cass.
[00:00:27]  Okay.
[00:00:28]  What's the situation?
[00:00:29]  We just hung out.
[00:00:30]  Did you say hi to him?
[00:00:31]  Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[00:00:32]  Shake hands, introduce myself.
[00:00:36]  Did you kiss his fucking neck?
[00:00:37]  No, it wasn't much talking about.
[00:00:40]  About music.
[00:00:40]  We just talked about Mellow because I guess he was just about to play.
[00:00:44]  Oh, shit.
[00:00:44]  It's a little bit of that.
[00:00:45]  What music is KD into?
[00:00:48]  I mean, he was there to see Wale and Tiana Taylor was there too.
[00:00:51]  And it was good music.
[00:00:52]  It was good.
[00:00:53]  Wait a minute Tiana Taylor was there?
[00:00:54]  Yeah, yeah, she was there too.
[00:00:55]  How's she looking?
[00:00:56]  Fine.
[00:00:57]  Oh, I'm thinking of Tiana Trump.
[00:00:59]  No, no.
[00:01:00]  That's totally different.
[00:01:01]  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
[00:01:02]  So Tiana Taylor was there.
[00:01:04]  Tian Tele was there.
[00:01:05]  Okay.
[00:01:05]  Did a few songs together.
[00:01:06]  It was cool.
[00:01:06]  Charlamagne was there.
[00:01:08]  Charlotte pulled up.
[00:01:09]  Okay.
[00:01:10]  It was a good time.
[00:01:10]  Wax was there.
[00:01:11]  It was good.
[00:01:11]  You spoke to KD, though.
[00:01:12]  You dapped him up.
[00:01:13]  How'd the ankle look?
[00:01:14]  Was he walking gingerly?
[00:01:15]  He's looking fine, man.
[00:01:16]  I told him, you know, get heel up safe.
[00:01:19]  Want to see Hoop again, even though, you know, I'm a Nick fan.
[00:01:22]  But as a basketball fan, it would be cool to see, you know, we can't wait to see you get back to Corey's.
[00:01:26]  Like, yeah, cool.
[00:01:26]  Thanks.
[00:01:27]  That was it.
[00:01:28]  It was cool.
[00:01:28]  I know Mandy has better stories, but I'm not.
[00:01:32]  Cut that.
[00:01:34]  I'm not cutting that, bro.
[00:01:37]  You should have winked at him, bro.
[00:01:38]  Oh, God.
[00:01:39]  You should have been like, yo, we got mutuals.
[00:01:43]  I'd have been ballsy, yo.
[00:01:44]  No.
[00:01:45]  But he probably likes that.
[00:01:46]  I was caught off guard.
[00:01:48]  Like, if I knew, if I knew I was running into him, I'd have more things to ask.
[00:01:52]  But, you know, I'll tell you stuff off there, though.
[00:01:55]  Let's go.
[00:01:56]  Oh, come on.
[00:01:58]  Trust me.
[00:01:59]  What?
[00:01:59]  What happened?
[00:02:00]  Why you even say that on the podcast then, man?
[00:02:02]  Did you guys do that kiss that the guy did to Beyonce where you like get a little bit of her lips?
[00:02:07]  Remember the guy from power?
[00:02:09]  Yeah.
[00:02:12]  You said a little bit.
[00:02:14]  Yo, would you go for a moment?
[00:02:16]  Grammy, bro.
[00:02:18]  Would you go for a mouth kiss just to throw someone off?
[00:02:21]  You meet them first time, mouth kiss just to throw them off.
[00:02:23]  Just to establish, you know, dominance?
[00:02:25]  Yes.
[00:02:26]  You'll do anything.
[00:02:27]  Boom, right there in their fucking mouth.
[00:02:28]  And then hold them close.
[00:02:30]  Hold them tight.
[00:02:30]  You hold them fucking tight.
[00:02:32]  Would you do it?
[00:02:33]  Always, anytime we can establish dominance, absolutely.
[00:02:36]  Really?
[00:02:36]  Right in the mouth.
[00:02:37]  Yo, it's good, bro.
[00:02:39]  Kiss me, bro.
[00:02:40]  Don't know.
[00:02:41]  Don't see that.
[00:02:43]  Kiss me.
[00:02:44]  You can't ask for it.
[00:02:45]  That's not dominant.
[00:02:46]  That's not the dominance of you, bro.
[00:02:49]  Now you got a dump.
[00:02:50]  Now you got to dominate for it, bro.
[00:02:52]  You got to dominate that.
[00:02:53]  Yeah, yeah, bro.
[00:02:54]  Real talk.
[00:02:55]  You guys got to have a rape off.
[00:02:56]  You know, before he walks up, he's going to grab his son and sit him back down with it.
[00:03:01]  Sit him right back down.
[00:03:02]  Joyce healed.
[00:03:04]  There's one fucking alpha male in this room.
[00:03:06]  God damn it.
[00:03:07]  What is the word you use to stop your dog?
[00:03:09]  Heel.
[00:03:11]  Not a deodend.
[00:03:12]  No, no.
[00:03:12]  You mixing up heel and yield.
[00:03:14]  Yield is for cars.
[00:03:15]  Healed is the guy who should stay for a while.
[00:03:17]  Buddy healed.
[00:03:19]  Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[00:03:19]  That sounds like something you say to a dog.
[00:03:21]  Buddy healed.
[00:03:21]  Buddy.
[00:03:24]  Okay.
[00:03:26]  So we got Blau in the building.
[00:03:28]  Blau, you're in New York.
[00:03:29]  I don't know for how long, but I saw you Instagramming that you're on the subway.
[00:03:32]  So you didn't text me.
[00:03:33]  You didn't say that you're in town.
[00:03:34]  I didn't know where you were, man.
[00:03:36]  I thought you were dropping in somewhere weird.
[00:03:37]  So I didn't, you know.
[00:03:39]  I don't know where you're at these days, dude.
[00:03:40]  You're all over the fucking place.
[00:03:42]  You know?
[00:03:43]  She's successful, dog.
[00:03:44]  Yeah, this is your fault.
[00:03:46]  You're not wrong when you write.
[00:03:49]  That's fair, bro.
[00:03:50]  Okay, so I say you got to come by.
[00:03:52]  Come talk to us.
[00:03:54]  We had your podcast co-host, Trevor Wallace, on last week, last week.
[00:03:59]  Yeah.
[00:04:00]  How was that?
[00:04:01]  Trevor was very fun.
[00:04:02]  I mean, these guys missed it because they weren't in town Sunday.
[00:04:04]  But I wanted to get you on.
[00:04:06]  It's been a while.
[00:04:07]  We've told a lot of stories about you on the podcast.
[00:04:10]  Is there anything that you'd like to clarify?
[00:04:12]  Everything's wrong.
[00:04:14]  No, everything's wrong.
[00:04:16]  I feel like everything's skewed to where they want it to be.
[00:04:19]  What was inaccurate about the story about your bombing?
[00:04:22]  Remember when you were bombing?
[00:04:24]  Right, That's probably pretty accurate.
[00:04:27]  Honestly, bro, in retrospect, in retrospect.
[00:04:30]  In retrospect, the dragon act out.
[00:04:33]  Can you do the demon act out on camera?
[00:04:36]  No.
[00:04:37]  Come on, no, no, no.
[00:04:42]  My favorite part is not only would he, not only, just tell me the line with the lady.
[00:04:48]  I know this.
[00:04:49]  I know what it is.
[00:04:50]  I know this isn't.
[00:04:51]  Tell me what you want.
[00:04:53]  This is my favorite part.
[00:04:55]  You got a crouch mask.
[00:04:56]  You could get all the way down, right?
[00:04:58]  And Blau always had these like models, Nikes.
[00:05:01]  Like, they weren't cool.
[00:05:03]  They weren't the coolest shit, but they look almost like the coolest shit.
[00:05:06]  So you get real.
[00:05:08]  You get a real dick sporting goods on that shit.
[00:05:12]  Whoever Katie shot.
[00:05:13]  Look.
[00:05:15]  So you got Mad Lowe.
[00:05:16]  This is my favorite part, right?
[00:05:18]  He would say that line, but he would create a tail for the monster.
[00:05:23]  Yeah.
[00:05:24]  Tell me what.
[00:05:27]  But the tail would be killed.

=== The Voice and the Tail (03:14) ===

[00:05:32]  You got a clear cross all the way to the floor.
[00:05:35]  I was so impressed.
[00:05:37]  The idea of the joke.
[00:05:39]  The idea of the joke was what was the premise.
[00:05:41]  It was about him hooking up with a girl, and then she like transformed from being this sweet, whatever, dainty girl.
[00:05:47]  And then in the bedroom, she's like a demon.
[00:05:49]  It stemmed from the idea, like I hooked up with this like emo chick with like crazy tattoos.
[00:05:53]  And she, during the date, everything was fine.
[00:05:56]  And then when we started to fuck, she got insane.
[00:05:59]  In the joke, you played up the like the change horse, the juxtaposition.
[00:06:03]  Like she was super sweet and soft.
[00:06:05]  And then in the shit, then she became.
[00:06:07]  Tell me what you want.
[00:06:10]  It's a little deeper, bro.
[00:06:12]  It's a little deeper, bro.
[00:06:14]  You only know what you're doing.
[00:06:15]  Andrew, Andrew Hands is a good job.
[00:06:19]  Andrew, the fucking bad.
[00:06:21]  Andrew, come on, dude.
[00:06:22]  Andrew has such an ability.
[00:06:24]  I just want to say this.
[00:06:25]  You have such a good ability.
[00:06:33]  Nah, it's not low enough.
[00:06:34]  No, it's not low enough, bro.
[00:06:36]  You got low.
[00:06:36]  You got to do this, bro.
[00:06:38]  Oh, God.
[00:06:39]  Oh, God.
[00:06:41]  Get here, get here, get here, get here.
[00:06:44]  Come on, Blau.
[00:06:45]  Just do it right here.
[00:06:47]  Yeah, right in that corner.
[00:06:51]  Just cut the line on it.
[00:06:52]  Oh, God, hit it.
[00:06:53]  You got to do this.
[00:06:54]  You got to do this, right?
[00:06:55]  First of all, my pants were way looser when I was doing it.
[00:06:58]  You know what I mean?
[00:06:59]  So you got to get low like this.
[00:07:01]  And then the thing is, you got to put the arm because you got to let them know.
[00:07:08]  You got to let them know they got a little baby.
[00:07:11]  You got to do this.
[00:07:12]  Yeah, yeah.
[00:07:13]  Right?
[00:07:13]  Like a dragon.
[00:07:15]  Like a dragon.
[00:07:16]  Like a T-Rex.
[00:07:17]  You feel like a T-Rex dragon combo.
[00:07:19]  So it's this, right?
[00:07:20]  And you got to slip it back.
[00:07:22]  You got to get low.
[00:07:22]  And then you got to do the tail, like you said before.
[00:07:25]  And then the thing is, you have to move the huh?
[00:07:28]  Where would the mic be?
[00:07:30]  His mic is here.
[00:07:31]  Okay.
[00:07:32]  He's in a target like this.
[00:07:34]  It's in the baby arm.
[00:07:35]  You got to get low.
[00:07:36]  And the thing, the trick is, Andrew Schultz and everyone else, you got to move your butt with the tail.
[00:07:44]  Like this.
[00:07:46]  Right?
[00:07:47]  You got to do this.
[00:07:48]  Just stay on him.
[00:07:49]  Go on.
[00:07:50]  You got to do this, right?
[00:07:51]  You got to move your butt.
[00:07:56]  And then what?
[00:07:57]  And then what?
[00:07:59]  Back and forth like this, right?
[00:08:00]  And then you know, you do the voice.
[00:08:02]  How you doing?
[00:08:02]  Yeah, you do the voice.
[00:08:03]  It's not, you know, you went this far.
[00:08:05]  Just finish it.
[00:08:06]  You gotta do the voice, man.
[00:08:08]  And then, well, first, you gotta start.
[00:08:10]  You can't just say the punch first.
[00:08:12]  You gotta go, yeah.
[00:08:13]  There you go.
[00:08:25]  Do the act down, y'all.
[00:08:27]  Do the act down.
[00:08:28]  We don't need the director's commentary until after.
[00:08:30]  You watch the movie, then you're gonna do it.
[00:08:31]  Then you don't need the director's commentary all the time.
[00:08:33]  I need the movie first.
[00:08:35]  Shut up.
[00:08:36]  This is art, bro.
[00:08:39]  You gotta go.
[00:08:40]  Shoot your hand and do the bit.

=== Finishing the Bit Bomb (01:41) ===

[00:08:46]  Although I am.
[00:08:47]  Okay.
[00:08:47]  You gotta go, yeah.
[00:08:49]  Right, right?
[00:08:51]  And you gotta go, you gotta go, tell me what you watch.
[00:09:00]  Sorry, bro.
[00:09:03]  I'm sweating, bro.
[00:09:04]  When I tell you, I used to love watching this bit bomb, bro.
[00:09:08]  I'm telling you, bro.
[00:09:10]  It was so funny.
[00:09:12]  Now, do you.
[00:09:13]  Usually the bit would work.
[00:09:14]  It would kill.
[00:09:15]  I'm not saying it wouldn't kill.
[00:09:16]  It wouldn't usually work.
[00:09:17]  Did I get that right?
[00:09:18]  I'll tell you more time.
[00:09:20]  Way more often it would kill.
[00:09:20]  Way more often.
[00:09:21]  Every once in a while.
[00:09:22]  You did it, bro.
[00:09:23]  And he'd be sweaty and out of breath.
[00:09:25]  Dude, do you remember?
[00:09:26]  And it was because if a crowd didn't laugh at that joke, they just didn't like Blau.
[00:09:30]  Right.
[00:09:31]  Because his act is a lot of act outs, a lot of voices, whatever.
[00:09:34]  So they already weren't fucking with him.
[00:09:35]  Yeah, yeah.
[00:09:36]  And this is his closer.
[00:09:37]  So it's like, I got to get you now.
[00:09:39]  So he'd been bombing.
[00:09:41]  And then he goes into that act out and bombs even harder.
[00:09:44]  And then my favorite part was this.
[00:09:45]  My favorite part was this.
[00:09:46]  When he finished it and he'd be all out of breath and nobody making no sound, he'd just go like this.
[00:09:51]  He goes, all right.
[00:09:55]  Thank you.
[00:09:55]  Good night.
[00:09:56]  No.
[00:09:57]  Don't try to shoot at me like that.
[00:10:02]  Motherfucker, dude, two deep breaths.
[00:10:05]  He had to catch his breath to say goodnight, bro.
[00:10:07]  That's how out of breath he was.
[00:10:09]  Couldn't even say goodnight.
[00:10:13]  Yo, what's up?
[00:10:14]  This is Akash.
[00:10:15]  That was a preview of our Patreon episode.
[00:10:17]  If you want the full thing, go to www.patreon.com slash flagrant2.
[00:10:22]  Join the illest community on earth unless you're a social justice lawyer.
[00:10:26]  Then you're just gonna ruin the file.