Flagrant - Andrew Schulz & Akaash Singh - Noted and Noted
Aired: 2019-11-01
Duration: 07:58


=== Switching Last Names vs Gender (02:59) ===

[00:00:04]  Real talk, I don't know if I'm switching my last name.
[00:00:07]  Never.
[00:00:08]  You gotta put a lot of work.
[00:00:10]  What would it take for you to switch your last name?
[00:00:12]  Bro, I assume you switch my gender.
[00:00:17]  So wait, wait, wait.
[00:00:19]  I think the statue of women.
[00:00:20]  At least that way I feel like that's of a bitch when I change my last name.
[00:00:26]  Son, yo, you'd be more of a bitch if you switch your last name than if you actually became a bitch.
[00:00:33]  Straight up.
[00:00:33]  Okay.
[00:00:34]  Straight up.
[00:00:35]  What if you found out that...
[00:00:37]  Now, Singh is such a common last name.
[00:00:39]  But let's say you had a really specific last name.
[00:00:41]  Schultz, very common last name.
[00:00:42]  Let's say you had a really specific last name, right?
[00:00:45]  Famuide.
[00:00:46]  Famuyide.
[00:00:47]  Famuyide.
[00:00:48]  Now, what if you found out that Famuyide came from a long line of like animal fuckers?
[00:00:58]  Right?
[00:00:58]  Like, specifically animal fuckers, right?
[00:01:03]  But they found out that they were Indians and they actually fucked cows.
[00:01:08]  And we know.
[00:01:11]  Wow.
[00:01:12]  Wow.
[00:01:13]  So they actually fuck cows.
[00:01:15]  And you found out that everybody in your lineage fucked cows and it was known throughout India.
[00:01:22]  It was known everywhere.
[00:01:23]  And here you are, an Indian comic, a comic of the Indian people.
[00:01:27]  You still want to be the comic of those people, but every time your name is on a bit of a bunch of people.
[00:01:30]  You can't run from your legacy, yo.
[00:01:32]  Cow fuckers, bro.
[00:01:33]  You can't run from your legacy.
[00:01:34]  So what do you do?
[00:01:35]  What do you do?
[00:01:36]  You just got to own it.
[00:01:36]  You know what I mean?
[00:01:37]  Own it.
[00:01:38]  That sounds like a pretty good bit.
[00:01:40]  Real talk.
[00:01:42]  Yeah, yeah.
[00:01:44]  The meaning.
[00:01:44]  It would be like my N-word.
[00:01:45]  I'm just changing what it means.
[00:01:47]  Yo.
[00:01:47]  But what if they also found out that, like, you know how you inject flavor into like meat?
[00:01:53]  Yeah.
[00:01:53]  Like, what if they found out that's what you guys were doing the whole time?
[00:01:56]  Like, you were just.
[00:01:58]  Then I think you're welcome.
[00:02:01]  Everybody.
[00:02:01]  Dude, the cats.
[00:02:02]  The hamburgers by the Famuyides.
[00:02:06]  Yeah.
[00:02:06]  Delicious.
[00:02:08]  That's better than Kobe beef.
[00:02:09]  You're welcome, bro.
[00:02:10]  It's Kobe beef.
[00:02:13]  Okay.
[00:02:13]  So there's no situation that you would change your last name.
[00:02:17]  You think that's why Kobe beef is so good?
[00:02:19]  Oh, Japanese are coming in it?
[00:02:20]  No, Kobe.
[00:02:22]  Kobe comes in the beef.
[00:02:23]  Yo.
[00:02:24]  Dude, maybe.
[00:02:26]  No, what if that's like, it was Bukaki?
[00:02:28]  I mean, he probably got.
[00:02:29]  I would have been known to force this.
[00:02:33]  But him.
[00:02:35]  But him.
[00:02:36]  You're all in, guys.
[00:02:39]  And the fact that it's Bukaki, that's why there's so many other different types of sperm there.
[00:02:43]  Dude, I think we're on to something.
[00:02:45]  I think we're on to something.
[00:02:46]  Okay.
[00:02:46]  So go.
[00:02:48]  What?
[00:02:50]  So what would make you change the last name?
[00:02:53]  Son, I don't think anything, man.
[00:02:55]  Nothing could make you change the last name.
[00:02:57]  Nothing, but it's a line.
[00:02:58]  Like, you know, you just gave me a pretty crazy hypothetical, and I was still like, you just got to own that.

=== The Kobe Beef Mystery (02:21) ===

[00:03:03]  That's who you are.
[00:03:04]  Wow.
[00:03:05]  That's who you are, yo.
[00:03:06]  That's who you came from.
[00:03:07]  That's who I came from.
[00:03:08]  I can't outrun that.
[00:03:09]  I can only own it and change it if I need to.
[00:03:12]  So that's what you would do.
[00:03:12]  You would work on changing the legacy.
[00:03:14]  Yeah.
[00:03:15]  Okay, what would make you change your gender?
[00:03:18]  It's Tuesday.
[00:03:20]  Son, dude.
[00:03:22]  If there's a club that lets me in before 11 for free, you know what I mean?
[00:03:28]  Son, his cheapness overrides his masculinity.
[00:03:31]  Yo, that's how Indian Akash is.
[00:03:34]  It's ladies' night.
[00:03:35]  Well, shit, we going.
[00:03:39]  We pull it up.
[00:03:40]  Ladies drink for free.
[00:03:41]  Yes, we do.
[00:03:44]  Son, we should be able to do that.
[00:03:46]  That's what makes me change genders Thursdays.
[00:03:51]  We should be able to pull up to the ladies' night, tell, say our gender is female.
[00:03:55]  I identify as female.
[00:03:57]  The fuck, you going to deny that?
[00:04:00]  Identify as frugal.
[00:04:02]  It would have been funny if I didn't stumble on that.
[00:04:04]  But real talk, maybe we can.
[00:04:06]  Yeah.
[00:04:07]  Wow.
[00:04:08]  That's a great point.
[00:04:10]  If these bitches can identify as, or these dudes can identify as female and then compete against women, why can't we identify as female and then get into the club?
[00:04:18]  You know what I mean?
[00:04:19]  And try it.
[00:04:20]  Hey, asshole, somebody try that shit.
[00:04:22]  Let me know how that goes.
[00:04:23]  Please.
[00:04:23]  Go on the winter.
[00:04:25]  And do it in a liberal ass.
[00:04:26]  Do it like in Oregon.
[00:04:28]  One of these other ugly bitch cities.
[00:04:29]  Let's go.
[00:04:30]  San Francisco.
[00:04:31]  Pull it off there.
[00:04:32]  Oh, my God.
[00:04:33]  That is the wave.
[00:04:34]  Yeah.
[00:04:35]  Can I identify?
[00:04:36]  Can I be like, yo, I'm a minority.
[00:04:38]  I identify as gay.
[00:04:39]  I'm just only attracted to women.
[00:04:41]  Can I do that?
[00:04:43]  You can do whatever you want.
[00:04:44]  That's pretty much it.
[00:04:45]  You can literally identify as whatever you want.
[00:04:48]  He, she, or they.
[00:04:49]  New York kind of seems like the city you can get away with that shit in.
[00:04:52]  Any other, anywhere else, anywhere else, they'll just be like.
[00:04:55]  Not down south.
[00:04:55]  Not there.
[00:04:57]  But you could go to a Williamsburg bar.
[00:05:00]  Yeah.
[00:05:00]  Yeah.
[00:05:00]  Do you know what I mean?
[00:05:01]  One of them free pizza bars.
[00:05:02]  Like his ladies' name?
[00:05:03]  She's fine.
[00:05:04]  Identify as a woman tonight.
[00:05:05]  Matter of fact, they wouldn't even have a ladies' night, probably.
[00:05:07]  They'd be like, that's not inclusive.
[00:05:10]  Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[00:05:11]  We have a people's night.
[00:05:13]  You mean a bar, you fucking idiots?
[00:05:15]  Is that what you got to do?
[00:05:17]  The cheese beat you too.
[00:05:18]  I was like, I think.
[00:05:22]  Dude.
[00:05:23]  Oh, fuck.

=== Identifying as Gay on Air (02:32) ===

[00:05:25]  That girl passed away.
[00:05:26]  Who?
[00:05:27]  Like, Transylvanian?
[00:05:28]  Yeah, the tease.
[00:05:29]  The tease that Deja Paul was talking about.
[00:05:31]  Which one?
[00:05:33]  Did you see the bonus cut after the Netflix special?
[00:05:36]  When he's talking about this trans girl that she, you know, knew and met and said stories with and told jokes with.
[00:05:41]  Oh, like the friend of this Transylvanian.
[00:05:44]  Yeah.
[00:05:44]  And eventually they just became close.
[00:05:48]  And then.
[00:05:49]  Yeah, I think she killed herself.
[00:05:51]  Wow.
[00:05:52]  Yeah.
[00:05:52]  She killed herself?
[00:05:53]  Yeah.
[00:05:54]  Why?
[00:05:55]  Well.
[00:05:55]  Not Dave.
[00:05:56]  It wasn't Dave's fault.
[00:05:57]  I'm sure it wasn't Dave.
[00:05:58]  Clearly, it wasn't Dave's fault.
[00:05:59]  Hold on.
[00:06:00]  Why did she kill herself?
[00:06:01]  Yo, I don't know.
[00:06:01]  We got to get to the bottom of that.
[00:06:03]  Ask her.
[00:06:03]  Nah, but maybe she left a note in some manly-ass handwriting.
[00:06:11]  Come on.
[00:06:12]  I mean, she's sad scribbly, yo.
[00:06:15]  Dude, handwriting would be a thing, bro.
[00:06:17]  You know who left that note.
[00:06:20]  That's why there's no female serial killers because that handwriting would be so fucking gorgeous.
[00:06:24]  That's bubbly.
[00:06:25]  Those bubble letters.
[00:06:28]  Why do women write so bubbly?
[00:06:29]  Yo, because they got nothing else to do, bro.
[00:06:31]  They're not in a rush.
[00:06:32]  It looks so small.
[00:06:33]  We got shit to do, bro.
[00:06:34]  We got work.
[00:06:35]  We got things to pick up, put down.
[00:06:37]  You know what I mean?
[00:06:37]  Women got all day to write straight, perfectly on the line.
[00:06:40]  Put hearts on their eyes.
[00:06:42]  Yeah, I don't got time to dot my eyes and cross my T's.
[00:06:45]  Calligraphy.
[00:06:46]  A woman definitely can't write.
[00:06:47]  Can y'all write in calligraphy?
[00:06:49]  Fuck no.
[00:06:49]  Not calligraphy.
[00:06:50]  Script.
[00:06:51]  Calligraphy.
[00:06:51]  Cursive?
[00:06:52]  Cursive?
[00:06:52]  Yeah.
[00:06:52]  Yeah, yo.
[00:06:54]  Ready?
[00:06:54]  Let's see if you can write script.
[00:06:56]  Ready?
[00:06:56]  Yeah.
[00:06:57]  All right, ready?
[00:06:57]  Yeah.
[00:06:58]  All right.
[00:06:58]  Write a script G.
[00:07:00]  Oh, shit.
[00:07:01]  Lowercase is right, man.
[00:07:03]  Lowercase or uppercase.
[00:07:04]  Uppercase, motherfucker.
[00:07:05]  That lowercase, mad easy.
[00:07:06]  Hold on.
[00:07:06]  I want to see the first one.
[00:07:07]  No, no, show me the first one you did, son.
[00:07:10]  The lowercase is easy.
[00:07:11]  Shit, you did both?
[00:07:12]  Lowercase.
[00:07:13]  I didn't know how to do a fucking G. Trans, dude.
[00:07:17]  So you might be gay.
[00:07:18]  So I know you joke around about that in the beginning of the podcast, but you just wrote a script, uppercase G. You definitely like killed the bit, too.
[00:07:25]  Like, this is lowercase, mad easy, but if you do an uppercase script G without any hesitation, that's way gayer than if I saw a guy sucking your dick.
[00:07:36]  Hey, you can see both anytime you want.
[00:07:43]  Yo, what's up?
[00:07:44]  This is Akash.
[00:07:45]  That was a preview of our Patreon episode.
[00:07:47]  If you want the full thing, go to www.patreon.com/slash flagrant true.
[00:07:52]  Join the illest community on earth unless you're a social justice warrior.
[00:07:57]  Then you're just gonna ruin the