Tim examines the Matt Gaetz scandal, ICBM’s for Christmas, F1, how many Italians are on social media, Trans-Republicans, getting blitzed with your parents, female incels and why he didn’t grow up with game night.American Royalty Tour🎟 https://punchup.live/TimDillonSPONSORS:Morgan & MorganFor more information go to forthepeople.com/timBlue ChewBlueChew.com & Use Code: ‘TIM’▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬Subscribe to the channel:https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC4wo...Instagram:https://www.instagram.com/timjdillon/Twitter:https://www.twitter.com/TimJDillonListen on Spotify!https://open.spotify.com/show/2gRd1wo...#TheTimDillonShowMerch: https://store.timdilloncomedy.com/For every $400,000 we gross in revenue, we are donating five dollars to end homelessness in Los Angeles. We are challenging other creators to do the same.#TimGivesBack
Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
|
Time
Text
Ridgfield Playhouse Chaos00:14:11
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dylan Show.
I'm getting over Laryngitis, but the voice is strong.
Matt Gates had sex with a child.
I just think of all the women who thought that they were going to get a respite from this for one week and their boyfriend is playing this and, you know, they're in the kitchen making a jell-o-no bake or whatever women do.
I don't know what they do.
But they're in the kitchen making a stir-fry or something.
And then they just hear Matt Gates.
But Matt Gates, friend of the show, like our friend Diddy, friend of the show, with Drew his nomination for attorney general.
And I believe, am I correct about this?
He's now on Cameo.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I believe it's all.
This has been the worst 48 hours of this man's life.
Can you imagine going from thinking you were going to be the attorney general and then you're on cameo wishing people a happy birthday?
Is this really true?
Is he really on cameo?
He's charging $500 to make bespoke fan videos on the cameo.
If you don't know what cameo is, cameo, and no shade to anyone who's on cameo, by the way, but cameo is not ideal.
It's not the ideal career setup is to be on cameo getting random requests for birthday messages and then having to fulfill them for money.
Now there's a lot of talented people on it and blah, blah, blah, whatever disclaimer you want.
I will never do it.
I don't care how desperate I am.
I will never do it.
I will first, I will defect to a foreign country.
I will do anything but cameo.
Why didn't he just go back to driving the miners over the state lines?
Why are you on cameo?
Have you no dignity?
I mean, say what you want.
Can you imagine, say what you want about Ghislaine?
Do you think Ghislaine Maxwell would want to be out of jail right now so that that bitch could be like, hello?
Hi, Teresa.
Happy birthday.
It's just like Maxwell.
Your friend Lauren sent in a request here on Cameo and she wants you to know that you're gorgeous, darling.
You don't look a day over 38.
Happy 40th.
Like, no, do your time.
Do your time.
Sit in the cell.
So Matt Gates, he has problems, this person, because here's the thing about Matt Gates.
He's on came.
Is this real?
Is life real?
Is this all real?
Yes.
I served in Congress.
This is his cameo bio.
It says, I served in Congress.
Trump nominated me to be U.S. Attorney General.
That didn't work out once I fired the House speaker.
That was a reference to events in October of last year when Gates triggered the historic removal of Kevin McCarthy, a fellow Republican, the first speaker ever ejected by his own party.
So now Matt Gates, the issue here is that Matt Gates has been accused of sex with an underage woman.
Trafficking.
Yes.
Trafficking and having parties with women.
Sex parties, and then some of them are underage.
One of them was 17, apparently.
And they've testified against him in a closed door session.
Correct.
And there is an ethics report that Speaker Mike Johnson got them to not release, but there is bad stuff happening.
And I've heard from inside sources.
I have many sources, folks.
This is why you watch this program, because I provide you not only with commentary, but with inside information that's important.
And I have inside sources that say this guy's a little bit of a creep.
That is insider.
You never would have got that without me.
You never would have been able to get it.
You would have never been able to ascertain that without me.
I have inside sources at the highest level saying this guy might be a little bit of a creep.
That's what they're saying at the highest levels.
But does he deserve this?
Does he deserve cameo?
I'm asking, even as a human trafficking pedophile, perhaps, I don't know, allegedly whatever.
Does he deserve to be on cameo?
There's nothing worse than being on cameo.
It is really, really bad.
And again, no shade to cameo or anyone who's on it, but take your life first.
There's other ways.
Kill yourself.
And I don't mean that.
I mean, unalive yourself.
Go to the bridge.
Go to the thing.
Go into the woods.
There's a gun in my mouth.
Don't do cameo.
Now, are we going to play his cameos right now?
I think we should see one.
This is unreal.
This man, and I don't know anything about this.
I know very little about him, really.
We're going to move on soon to talk about Biden is trying to kill everyone now.
He's trying to kill everyone.
But before we move on to that, the only person looking forward to a nuclear war with Russia is Matt Gates, because then he can get off Cameo.
Play one of these, please.
Hora, Hara.
Hey, Toby.
What is hot?
Is this real?
Hey, Toby, Matt Gates here.
Let's stop this for once.
Let me just say one thing.
Trump transition team, of which I know some of the people.
We've had the vice president on the show.
You know, many people in the comedy community have been super chill about it.
But I know some of you listen to the show.
This can't be what, this can't be.
It's not going great with that, right?
Going smoothly.
Like, I just hope, my hope is, my goal is, because I want the country to succeed.
Even if Komler or anyone were to win, I would still be giving them advice.
I gave them advice.
I gave the Democrats advice.
They don't listen.
They don't listen.
The Republicans listened to my advice, which is why they won.
Truly.
In the beginning, they were like, Kamala's a communist.
It didn't work.
And I'm like, no, no, no, she believes in nothing and she doesn't know anything.
And then they switched and then they won.
Am I saying it's me?
No, but it was good advice because she's not a communist.
She has no integrity in calling some.
I know a lot of communists and they have integrity.
They're wrong, but they believe in things.
She believes in nothing.
So what I'm saying now is that I just don't want a situation where three or four of the people that have been nominated are on Cameo.
Please, God, can we not have three or four of the nominees end up on Cameo?
Please, God, I don't want to see RFK and Tulsi on Cameo, who I think are both very qualified and should be in.
I just don't want to see Pete Hegseth on Cameo.
The goal of this administration cannot be to deliver nominees directly to Cameo.
That can't be it.
Cameo is salivating at the slate of people that are up there now.
This can't be the way it's supposed to work out.
Now, whatever Gates has done, and I imagine it's not great.
You imagine Gates has problems because he's not going back to Congress.
He's out.
I don't know what he's going to do, but here he is, and we're going to watch his cameo.
And I mean, this is.
So this Hey Toby one is a pep talk one, but this holiday one just dropped while we were taping this one.
Play the holiday one.
It's a holiday episode.
What's up, Deb and Terry?
This is Matt Gates.
I wanted to wish you a very special happy Thanksgiving.
You've got a terrific son-in-law, Eric, and I know your daughter, Kelly, is very happy along with Eric to be there enjoying your terrific cooking in Utah.
Thanks for being in the fight.
Thanks for backing President Trump and all of our efforts to save the country.
It's, you know, it's a time of Thanksgiving, but I'm giving thanks to all the opportunities we have ahead for our country to get our trade policies right, to stop the invasion at our southern border, to get the economy humming.
And I have not gotten over the shock and excitement from this election.
I thought we were going to win, but I had no idea.
By the way, this is crazier than Army Hammer.
This guy, this is 48 hours after this is he was nominated to be the attorney general.
He's out because of human trafficking, and he's smiling, going, I haven't gotten over the excitement of the election.
You're in a room in Florida doing cameos.
You thought you were going to be in the administration.
This is the craziest.
I'm telling you, if you send him money, will he make one right now?
We can see if he's online, yeah.
See if he's online.
If you send him money.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What would you want the cameo to say?
Hi, Tim Dylan.
I'm a big fan.
Thank you for having JD Vance on your show.
You are the king of fake business.
And your show at the Ridgefield Playhouse in Connecticut has been moved to January 23rd because of laryngitis.
And your show at the Ridgefield Playhouse in the Ridgefield Playhouse in Connecticut has been moved to January 23rd because of laryngitis.
Feel better king.
And what do we give him for that?
50?
525.
525.
I wish there was a message that you could send saying, we'll give you a G if you do it right now.
Yeah.
Maybe we can give him a tip.
Do you want it public on his profile if he does it?
Like he'll.
Oh, absolutely.
Oh, absolutely.
I want it public on his profile.
Are you nuts?
What do you think we're doing things in the shadows here?
I absolutely want it public on his profile.
Yes or yes?
I'm telling you right now, it's nothing's cheap out there.
Whatever he's going to be involved in paying people off or whatever, entertainment, whatever he's doing, it ain't cheap.
Take the money.
He might not do it.
He might not do it because he might think that we're mocking him.
But what does he care at this point?
He wants the money.
He needs money.
I mean, this has been, I mean, this is like terrible, what's happened to him.
Now, obviously, he's probably a bad person.
I don't know.
I'm judging him from afar, but it's I'm hearing from high-level sources.
Not great.
Not ideal.
Not great.
We're going to move on here, but I'm hoping you interrupt me.
I'm praying that you interrupt me with a Matt Gaetz cameo.
This is my prayer.
This is all I want with life right now is to get a Matt Gates cameo.
He was going to be our attorney general, and now he's announcing that I've changed my date at the Ridgefield Playhouse to January 23rd.
Joseph, no, no, no.
Oh, hold on.
It's 262 if we want it within 24 hours.
Do it.
Get it.
Get it.
I want it now.
I want it now.
He was going to be the Attorney General of the United States, folks.
Let that sink in.
He has had a rough couple.
Whatever you think about Matty Gates, and there's a lot to think.
He's had a rough couple because he was sitting there going, I have one.
I am going to be, because a lot of people hated him and prayed on his downfall and perhaps for good reason.
And he was like, fuck all of them.
I'm going to be the attorney general.
And instead of that, he is doing cameos on the internet.
Matt Gates has received our request for a cameo, folks.
All we can do in this world is enjoy ourselves.
And I'm enjoying this.
I mean, this is fun for me and fun maybe for him.
Joe Biden's now trying to kill everyone.
Joe Biden is trying to kill everyone on earth right now, right before the inauguration of the next president.
Joe Biden has allowed the Ukraine to use long-range missiles to strike deep within the heart of Russia.
Biden, Joe Biden's Ukraine move as a gift for Trump.
This is what a retired general is saying.
Here's what I think people misunderstand about this whole thing.
Nuclear Brinksmanship Warning00:15:03
Putin is in a box.
Remember how it worked when Trump was in a box, Democrats, when you said, hey, we're going to try to put you in jail unless you win an election?
How did that work?
Did that work well?
You've now put Putin in a box where you're saying to Vladimir Putin, you look like a total bitch if you don't use a nuclear weapon against either the Ukraine or a NATO installation or whatever.
Now, I'm not saying Putin will do it, but you're putting him in a position where he looks like a bitch in front of the oligarchs in his country, the military in his country.
Many people have died in this war.
The citizenry of Russia.
He looks like he's getting smacked around by the United States.
This is no longer a war where we are funding or arming the Ukraine.
We are now in direct conflict with Russia.
It's quickly becoming a war more than a proxy war.
And this was always kind of the goal.
And this is what I wanted to avoid many years ago.
This war, like all wars, will end with some kind of treaty, a land swap, an agreement, a deal.
There's not going to be a winner or loser.
There's going to be some type of compromise.
The winner, if there is a winner, will be Russia because they are a nuclear country with a hell of a lot more people, about 100 million more people than the Ukraine.
They can continue conscription and to draft people into the army to go fight the Ukraine eventually.
Now, the Ukraine is completely dependent on Western weaponry.
And Joe Biden, up until recently, and the administration has basically said, listen, now this isn't true, but what they've said was that everything that we're providing the Ukraine is defense to defend against Russia, to expel Russian forces.
Now with this new thing, there's absolutely no way to say that this is a defensive move.
We are arming the Ukraine to go on the offense into Russia with American Western-made weaponry.
North Korean soldiers are fighting in Russia.
We're going to be killing North Korean and Russian soldiers with American weaponry, which Ukraine is going to use to strike Russia.
And there's a lot of people that say that this is long overdue.
We should have been doing it a year ago.
I don't know what national security interests the American people have in the Donbass region of the Ukraine or Lugansk, by the way.
If you asked most Americans a year ago or two years ago, or even now, what are the two regions in northern Ukraine that Russia and Ukraine are fighting over, which is Donbass and Lugansk, they wouldn't know because it doesn't affect their life at all.
And this idea that Vladimir Putin is going to march through Europe and knock over Poland and this one and that one is not based in reality.
And if he attacked a NATO country, it would get a NATO response.
That being said, the war in Ukraine now has been going on for a pretty long time.
So here, President Joe Biden dropped his opposition to Ukraine firing U.S. missiles at targets deep inside Russia in response to North Korea's entry into the war, a shift in U.S. policy that took on an added urgency following Donald Trump's election.
Biden for months resisted pleas from Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky to ease the limits on the use of U.S.-applied ATACMs, missiles, which can reach far into Russian territory.
Wary of potentially drawing NATO into a conflict with a nuclear armpower.
We need to chill it out.
I mean, this is not chilling it out here.
We're trying to wind it down.
We're trying to wind this thing down.
This is like at the end of a show.
It's been on for a while.
And you start going, wrap it up.
Just wrap it up.
You don't need to do a crazy plot twist or instigate something at the end.
Wrap it up.
Bring it to a conclusion.
People are tired of it.
This is one of the reasons that Trump won.
People go, why do we keep giving them money?
Can't we wrap it up?
Can't we move on?
Moscow's decision to deploy North Korean soldiers to Russia's cursed region represented a major escalation that demanded a response.
No, it didn't.
No, it didn't.
It doesn't.
This is like when your mother and father are fighting and your dad says something and your mom's like, well, I couldn't let him get away with it.
You can't, you can.
Go to the reading room.
Go to that little room you drink wine in.
You can let him get away with it.
So this guy brings a couple of North Korean soldiers into that region that Ukraine invaded, and now we have to fucking go nuts.
The decision could help to Trump-proof parts of Biden's Ukraine agenda by strengthening Ukraine's position in case they lose U.S. support.
Russia's going to start doing wild stuff.
Pull up that ICBM. that they fired that was not carrying a nuke, but could.
This is like nuclear brinksmanship.
And I just don't understand why we're doing it.
It would make sense to me.
Like, and let's say, okay, nuclear war has never happened, blah, blah, blah.
We were the only ones to drop nuclear weapons.
I understand that.
I'm not freaking out.
I don't think that like it is going to happen tomorrow.
But I'm wondering why we are at the precipice of a major escalation over the northern regions of the country that most Americans cannot spell.
This is why they hate Tulsi Gabbard, by the way.
They hate Tulsi Gabbard because she doesn't understand why we have to go to war all over the world to regime change, to change the governments of countries and make them into Western puppets.
When I was young, we had a war in Iraq and a war in Afghanistan where we thought we were going to march in to Afghanistan with tribal warlords who are like having sex with nine-year-old boys.
They dressed up as girls.
Well, that was, I guess, the one thing that our ruling class had in common with them, but most other stuff they didn't.
It was a tribal culture.
And we went in there thinking we were going to go in there with the McGriddle and Chuck E. Cheese and turn them into a functioning democracy.
None of that happened.
It was 20 years.
People dying, people's lives being ruined or completely changed by life, you know, changing injuries and PTSD and mental problems, all for the fantasy that one day Afghanistan was going to be a functioning, multi-ethnic, pluralistic democracy.
Ditto, Iraq.
It's insane.
And then with Tulsi Gabbard, you know, the big critique of the Bush administration during that time, and it was from the left, it was from liberals, was like, you got to talk to people.
You got to talk to people.
You got to like, you know, engage in diplomacy, multilateral diplomacy, coalition building, lots of countries.
Get them all on board.
Figure out a way to do this without going to war.
Make people talk.
Now, when Tulsi Gabbard went and sat down with Assad in Syria, which again was everything that the Democratic Party wanted, they now call her a traitor or she's a puppet or she's Putin's lackey or whatever.
Aren't we supposed to talk to leaders of countries?
Aren't we supposed to try to not go to war?
Aren't we supposed to try to resolve things diplomatically?
Isn't that the whole point?
I'm completely lost as to why everything has to be direct conflict all the time.
And anyone that suggests that perhaps, I mean, this is a total flip.
This is what Republicans were doing in the early 2000s.
They were saying, if you are against us or ask any questions, you're a traitor.
Now it's what Democrats are doing.
Now it's almost like we don't even have political parties in this country.
We just have a group of people that migrate from the Democratic Party to the Republican Party based on who gives them more of what they want.
It's almost like this group of people doesn't have loyalty to a particular political ideology outside of the interests of their financial backers who happen to sell weapons and run a very profitable machine all over the world.
So they'll show up on Fox News and then they'll show up on MSNBC.
It doesn't really matter.
It's whichever way the winds are blowing.
That's an oligarchy.
We all know what it is.
Bill Kristol will say the Iraq war is a great idea.
When the Republicans are all into that, you'll see him on Fox.
Then he'll go to MSNBC and go, I hate Trump and I'm a never-Trumper and we need to confront Putin.
We need to arm Ukraine.
We need to go into Iran, which is the new hilarious thing, by the way, this Iranian plot to kill Trump, which is clearly fake.
The Iranian CIA wink-wink plot.
It's the Iranians.
Iran is trying.
Yeah?
The Iranian plot.
Why would Iran try to just think about this for a minute?
Why would Iran try to kill the candidate who's less likely to go to war with Iran?
Why would they kill the guy who's presenting himself as the anti-war candidate?
Does that make any sense to anyone?
I'm not saying you have to be a political genius.
Think about this.
Iran.
Okay, you have Israel and Hamas.
You have Israel and Iran.
All of the issues happening.
It's a Democratic administration that is funding Israel and certainly not in any meaningful way backing down Netanyahu or anything.
And it's not like Trump is running on this bellicose, I'm going to kill all the mullahs in Iran thing.
He says things here and there, but he's presented himself and he's surrounded by people, for the most part, who don't want to go to war.
Why would the country of Iran want to assassinate the president of the United States?
It makes zero sense in a logical way.
It would mean the total destruction of Iran.
They know that.
They know that.
Why would they do it?
I don't think they're doing it.
I don't actually think it's them.
I think it's somebody else that's blaming it on them.
And this is from people who are much smarter than me and know more things than I do.
But why would it be Iran?
It's odd.
That's like Syria is going to kill Taylor Swift.
What is happening?
What are you talking about?
Where's Gates?
Let's play.
This is the first ICBM used in the history of war.
I'm sorry, in the history of this war.
Oh, wait, any war?
The view of the intercontinental ballistic missile used today by Russia with multiple re-entry warheads on a city in Ukraine.
It's possibly the first use of an ICBM in the history of war.
Take a look at this.
It is a beautiful.
And by the way, send this to everyone as an e-card for Thanksgiving.
Send it to them as an E-card for Thanksgiving.
Take a look.
Can you play non-copyrighted holiday music while this happens?
Yeah, I'll put up on YouTube.
Because I think it's about attitude and I think it's about the way we present something.
I don't think it's about the raw facts.
I think it's all the way you look at it.
Perspective is reality.
Is there a way to make Russia firing an ICBM?
Can we make it feel jolly?
Can we make it feel nice?
Do we have to focus on the negative aspects?
You know, I mean, listen, remember when they were running articles in the New York Times going, you know, nuclear war has some benefits and maybe everybody should get over their fear of nuclear war.
And we're going to pull that article up in a minute, but they're genuinely sick people who are saying, well, nuclear war maybe wouldn't be the worst thing.
So here we're going to play a little non-copyrighted Christmas music.
Ooh, I like that.
Now get the ICBM up.
Well, this is, now this is nice.
Now it feels like the Christmas show.
This doesn't scare me anymore.
It feels like a light show for the holidays.
Keep playing that missile.
I like this missile.
This is a holiday missile.
This is not a bad missile at all.
What if they did it and it lit up the sky with like Frosty the Snowman?
It's all about the way you look at it, folks.
Nuclear war is a good reset.
I think people in this country have decided in small rooms or in forests or wherever they meet and talk that nuclear war is actually a nice reset.
Holiday Missile Joke00:03:54
It might get rid of a few of you mouth breathers who keep complaining you don't have enough money for canned food.
All right, we'll get rid of this.
Get that article up.
I think it was from the New York Times because it's just a fun article.
You have to realize how wild and sick people are.
It was basically an article saying, and this was the beginning of, no, it's not about canned food.
I appreciate that.
No, it's about new.
I moved so quickly, the producer's like, what's going on?
No, it's about nuclear war.
And it's basically, we talked about it well over a year ago, maybe two years ago.
Yeah.
This one?
Well, there's a few of them, but this one's interesting.
How concerned should we be about the dangers of nuclear war?
Huh.
And this is a student opinion.
Go down here for a little bit.
Yeah, that's Hiroshima Nagasaki.
But there was another one.
Okay, so let's go back.
There was it's from many years ago.
And it was basically some type of like, I'll try to look for it as well.
Like nuclear war, is it bad?
Something like that.
It was some version of like nuclear war.
What gives?
The surprising benefits.
You know, it was like a weird lifestyle thing.
And it might have been the New Yorker.
I don't know.
Listen, we will find it.
We might not find it right now, but like it was basically this idea that like, yes, nuclear war is bad.
Of course it's bad.
But how bad?
How bad really is nuclear war?
Is it that bad?
Is it bad enough where we should try to stop it?
Like it was that kind of article.
It was like.
Oh, should we stop nuclear war?
Well, I don't know how it was worded, but it was just very, very funny.
And I mean, it's from.
I'm going to run a little search here.
It's from an old episode.
Nuclear war.
I'm going to check in on the Gates cameo, too.
Where is Matt Gates?
He's never going to get anywhere on cameo if he's going to be lazy.
If he's going to be lazy.
Oh, he's active.
He's active right now.
Well, where's ours?
This one's advice.
Play the advice one.
This coward better give us our.
I swear to God.
Maybe it was a mistake mentioning my name.
But then what, you know?
We gave him extra money.
He has to return the money if he doesn't do it.
I believe so, yeah.
If he doesn't do it, now he's so fucked.
He's doing this.
If he doesn't do our cameo, he has to return the money.
Play the advice cameo, please.
Hey, Kyle, congratulations.
Where do you think this one starts?
He goes, well, you get him in the car first.
That's the most important thing.
Or a form.
Hey, Kyle, congratulations.
Can we do that?
Just a little light Christmas music.
I like a little light holiday music.
It makes it more festive.
I'll bring it back.
Oh, this is that's going to have a theme, though.
That's another song.
Here we go.
This wins finally.
Yeah.
Here we go.
It's a little bit snow in.
Yeah.
Okay.
Now we go to the advice.
Here we go.
Matt Gates advice.
I hear you made partner at AZA the same day.
My legal career took a little bit different turn.
My advice.
Stay loyal to Joe, John, and Todd, and always try to screw over Amir and Demo.
Best of luck from your SDFJ crew.
That's right.
Good job in the practice of law.
Fake Expert Advice Club00:02:58
I'm going to ask a serious question.
How is this guy alive right now?
I mean, how is this life?
God love him.
Is Army Hammer on cameo?
Oh, man.
I want Army in this studio, by the way.
Will Army do an interview with us, a long-form interview?
I feel he could.
Email him, please, because Scott Galloway apparently has got a lot of better things to do in F1.
And I'll tell you this right now.
I'm a little sick of F1.
Can I say that?
I'm a little sick of these people who've never appreciated cars in their goddamn life.
Pretend to care about F1.
It is an excuse for a bunch of rich fucks to go get drunk, which is fine.
Stop pretending like you care about F1, that you know about the history of Ferrari or any of that crap.
You're a junkie and you want to go to F1 and be a junkie.
And there's nothing wrong with that.
Because it's fun to be a junkie around other rich junkies, but stop lying.
And there's too many Italians on social media.
I've said it before and I'll say it again.
It's disgusting.
There's too many people.
You ever heard of meatballs?
What is this?
It's 2025.
We got rockets firing at outer space.
And there's people apparently that haven't heard about lasagna.
What is this retard shit?
Yeah, spicy rigatoni.
We get it.
We get it.
How many fucking people need to be on the internet to talk about chicken fucking parm?
We're like regressing in every major way.
I get, I understand Biden because the advisors, like whoever these people are, Blinken and Jake Sullivan, they go into him and they play him.
The Costco family go, who cares about nuclear war?
All they're talking about is chicken parmesan all day.
How NYC's professional Italians exploded on social media with memes you can't forget about.
I don't want to go through these people because I know them all.
So I don't want to go through them individually because they all hang out at this separate club that I kind of want to get invited to because the food is good.
I'm just criticizing this in a macro.
I don't want to go through all of their names, like whatever their names are, like Baby Bell Cheese or whatever.
It doesn't matter.
My point is that there's too many food influencers on fucking the internet.
There's too many people showcasing restaurants on the internet.
And they don't know anything about food or what makes a restaurant good.
There's too many people with no expertise, no background, no knowledge base, and yet they're out there presenting themselves as some kind of expert.
Unlike me and my friends who are genuinely foreign policy scholars and geopolitical geniuses.
Golf For Trans People00:06:25
It's true.
I know more about the CIA than these dumb fucks know about fucking whatever they're talking about.
And it's all gross.
None of this food is good.
It's all like cat, like, oh, it's a handful of caviar.
I'm in my mouth.
I'm trying to show people I have money.
And, oh, look, we're at F1.
Look, we're at F1 with caviar and Martin's potato rolls.
It's a caviar slider at F1.
And I'm drinking champagne and eating caviar at F1.
It's disgusting.
It's not even good.
F1.
Americans are doom spending because of election anxiety.
So I'm going to send you something funny that a friend of mine sent to me.
The new movie Wicked came out.
Apparently people are loving this new film.
Wicked, which, you know, it's a good Broadway show.
I, of course, remember the era of Broadway when it was better.
But I will say that Wicked is good.
And, you know, it's not Lamez A Rob or Phantom or any of that, but it is, you know, it's good.
And they did a movie about this.
I'm sending this to you on Instagram.
And I guess these are the people in the Wicked movie.
But apparently.
I don't know.
Apparently the movie Wicked is the song Defying Gravity, which is a good song, is about, now it's about, I don't know, now it's about more than just witches, about a lot of things.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
All trans people needed to do was start going to country clubs and become Republican.
If you had followed Caitlin Jenner, you'd be fine.
Stop with the blue hair and the communism.
Truly.
You know how hard it would be for Republicans to get mad at trans people if they all just got really into golf.
And they look like they should, every trans person you see looks like they should be into golf.
Truly, a lot of trans, not all trans people, and I have trans friends, and I don't want to make them into a monolith, but a lot of them are like kind of, kind of like very much, you should be into golf.
It's very like you should be into golf.
They get all excited about being like a 1950s housewife broad.
And some of them, you know, obviously are more the female to male or whatever.
But, you know, they should be into golf and they should be Republicans.
Like they should just be kind of conservative and heartless.
Because here's the deal.
God, I'm going to get in so much trouble.
I'm just trying to say this in the right way.
You got to be a little narcissistic to be so into your, like, to be so connected to yourself.
You even know if you're in the wrong bond.
You know how many people probably don't even know?
Because they're at work.
But you, I get it.
You focus it like me.
How did I get really funny and brilliant and smart and interesting and entertaining and hot?
How did I get so good looking and stuff?
It's because I care really about myself.
I care about the product idea.
You can't care about the product and also then be Gandhi.
That's why when all these celebrities go, they pop off about politics.
Like, I know you.
I know you.
And I don't mean pop off like they can't have opinions.
I mean, pop off like when you're on this moral high ground and you pretend that all you've ever done is care about other people.
It's impossible to get really good at something and to market yourself and to deliver consistent product.
You can't do that and then also be the greatest person in the world and think only about others.
You're not thinking only about climate change.
So trans people, God, love you, but you're into yourself enough to have figured out that you're in the wrong body.
I think you could be a Republican.
I don't think it's a natural fit for you to be.
You clearly like gender normative behavior.
You clearly have thought about yourself.
Many of you have the body, kind of a pudgy woman, man in the middle.
What if all these pudgy non-binary started a golf club at their colleges instead of screaming and yelling about Gaza, which is sad, and I've said that, I'm against it.
It's bad.
But instead of doing that, what if you started a golf club and started talking about the legacy of Reagan?
What if trans people started playing golf and started saying, Reagan didn't give you aid, stop blaming him.
What I mean is throw people for a loop.
If I see a portly, non-binary, they them energy with the blue hair and they start going on and on about the Gaza and the communism.
I'm like, oh my God, God, I get it.
I get it.
But what if they started talking about how great William F. Buckley was?
That's what is needed.
Ideological diversity is what's needed.
Don't line up.
It's boring in life to line up directly behind.
Stop seeing yourself the way that everybody sees you.
Start projecting an image.
There's no reason these they themes cannot get their regular hair color back, hit the links, and start talking about fiscal responsibility.
I'm non-binary except at the bank when it's very binary, win or lose.
I want capitalist non-binary people.
It would throw people for a loop.
Throw in an Israel has the right to defend themselves every now and then.
Just throw it in.
Throw it into conversation.
I'm trying to help you how to win friends and influence people.
For example, ask me what age I was when I discovered my gender identity.
I'm a non-binary person and I'm living in Portland and I'm in the quad.
How old are you when you figured out your gender identity?
Israel has the right to defend itself.
Capitalist Non-Binary Identity00:02:46
Boom.
Whoa.
Thrown for a loop.
There you go.
Went left.
There it went left.
I go like this.
I discovered my gender identity right about the same age I realized Benjamin Netanyahu was right about a lot of shit.
Go to this.
I don't know what's going on here, but who's this?
Ariana Grande, this person?
Ariana Grande.
And then it's like Cynthia the witch.
Good.
Well, they'd say everybody loves this film.
I think it's, I'm going to go see it.
It's got good ratings.
Okay, playing it now.
Here we go.
This week, people are taking the lyrics of Defying Gravity and really holding space with that and feeling power in that.
I didn't know that that was happening.
I've seen it.
Yeah.
That's really powerful.
That's why I want it.
I didn't know that was happening.
I've seen it on a couple posts.
I don't know how widespread, but I am in queer media, so that's my cool.
Yeah.
But yeah, it's happening.
I've seen.
Okay, well, that's lovely.
That's great.
Celebrities are so crazy that this is the thing.
You see all these celebrities now trying to do podcasts because they realize Hollywood's just been fed to a shredder.
You know, it's been fed to the mulcher from Fargo.
That, I mean, there's just it's crazy to watch celebrities try to be human beings on the internet.
It's one of the craziest things I've seen.
It's like mega A-list celebrities who are now trying to be people on the internet is the craziest thing I have ever seen.
The great thing about celebrity when I grew up was the mystery, the mystique.
You didn't really know about these people.
You didn't really want to.
Because when you walked into a movie, you wanted to see somebody who you knew was an amazing actor or actress, you know, disappear into that role.
You didn't want them to have been doing podcasts for years.
You didn't want to know everything about them before they became whoever, you know?
Like if Shiv Roy, if Sarah Snook from Succession had had a podcast for five years where she talked about her pussy, it would have lessened it.
You want her to be Shivroy.
I don't care about Sarah Snook.
No one does.
We care about Shivroy because she's an amazing actress.
And if Sarah hears this, no offense.
Well, we want you to live in a little jungle in Australia and play with your koalas and kangaroos.
And then when we have another great role for you, we want you to emerge as that.
We don't want to see your omelet or whatever you had.
It ruins it.
It ruins it.
The same way I don't want to see Matthew McConney on two bears.
Protecting Celebrity Mystique00:08:47
No offense.
I want to see Matthew McConaughey be doing really cool actor shit.
I don't want to see him trying to be a relatable human being.
The only human being I want to see is Matt Gates.
Where the fuck is his cameo?
Adults day drinking is new normal during parents weekend.
Yeah, this is what happens.
Parents go to school to get intoxicated with their children.
I was recently in Wisconsin and one of my cousins goes there and her parents came and they were all having fun together.
I think that's a good thing.
I think a certain amount of drinking in this country is probably necessary.
And a certain amount of family drinking is probably actually a positive.
Not in a family like mine, per se, where people get a little out of hand with it.
But I do think that, you know, certain families can handle getting intoxicated together and certain families can, it really all depends on, here's the way I'll analyze it.
How out in the open is everything with your family?
Are you a person whose family, it's all out in the open, the way you feel about things?
Everybody's cool with everybody.
Everybody understands everybody.
Nobody's a mystery.
Nobody's a black box.
Nothing's going to come out when you're drinking.
There's no bile that's going to emerge.
I think those families, maybe they're more surface, superficial, whatever.
They really enjoy drinking together because Being able to drink with people that you know and have a shared history with is a very nice and fun thing.
The reason it doesn't work for my family or families that I know is because everyone in my family hates each other.
And when we are sober, we feel the social pressure to not allow that fact to enter the chat.
But when the patina of civilization is removed by the drink, we then air out our grievances that we've been holding on to for many years and in some cases, decades.
And our goal is to hurt each other.
When my family drinks together, our goal is to hurt each other with our words.
We want to make the other people feel bad.
We want to make them feel less than.
We want to make them feel less successful, less comfortable and less loved.
If that is the result of how you drink with your family, you should probably stop.
But if your mother has a couple glasses of wine and you guys wander around your campus and you get drunk and you're finally comfortable enough to share with her that you suck someone off or something, I don't know what goes on with people, but you know, or you have a girlfriend that you love and you just don't know how to tell her and you and your mom can bond over that.
You know what I mean?
But that's not the way that it works for my family or many of the families that I grew up with are new because, you know, the drinking that was done in the places where I lived and come from was done to anesthetize.
It was done to inoculate you against your feelings.
And there was a certain amount of booze that would do that.
But if you cross the line, the feelings would actually come back with a vengeance.
You know, you would feel them and then you would need to get them off your chest.
You know, and then a lot of the people that I knew, you know, when you would drink, you would really get very honest with people.
And, you know, a lot of great people, I've known them, they don't have an inner life.
It's so nice to not have an inner life, to not have critical thoughts.
Most people, a lot of them don't.
A lot of people don't have critical thoughts.
That's why you stand there in an airport and you listen to conversations like, where did they go?
Did they go to Anguilla?
Where did they go?
Remember when Jessica went with Matt?
Where did they go?
Did they go to Anguilla?
I think that's, where did they stay?
Where did they stay?
And the reason that you're having those conversations on loop is because they don't have an inner life.
They don't have critical thoughts.
There isn't anything in there.
And that's okay.
They're just, they're experiencing life the way a very small child would or an animal.
Ooh, it's hot today.
Ooh, it's raining.
I don't like the rain.
I get wet.
I like the sun.
I feel hot.
They don't have an inner life.
I've had friends.
I grew up with people like this.
They don't have an inner life.
They do not have critical thoughts.
There are some families like this.
They're good looking.
They ski.
They're happier.
They're better.
I'm not insulting them here.
I mean, you know, it gets frustrating talking to them.
And obviously the great art doesn't come from them or anything.
Great anything doesn't come from them.
Except you do have a really good group of people to get drunk with because there's nothing in there that's going to come out that's going to scare anyone.
It is a very surface level, nice thing.
Let's go skiing.
Everybody's kind of in good shape.
Everybody loves each other.
But my family, you know, when we really start drinking, people want to destroy each other.
Not only each other in the present, but in the past.
They want to destroy people's sense of history.
They want to, you know, we're Irish.
So we start like, you know, telling you that dead people hate you.
My family will tell you that dead people you thought loved you actually hate you.
That's the difference.
It's very different than a family that's like, well, the slopes were, they were beautiful today.
It was like cutting through, you know, and then you're all sitting there in the lodge and, you know, maybe your dad shows a TikTok video and you're all giggling and it's good, you know, what's going on in this world.
And it's fun and it's nice.
But when my family drinks, we have a different, there's a different thing.
We start litigating our own history.
We start trying to assign blame.
We start trying to transfer our feelings of dread and meaninglessness and hatred and hostility.
We start trying to put them on people.
We want to make people wear them.
We want people to go to bed with a sense of that they're dislocated from anything meaningful.
We want them to be in pain and a black box of envy and horror.
We want them to have an existential crisis.
That's the goal of my family's drinking.
It's not to have a play a game night.
Game night.
Families play games with each other.
Oh, it's game night.
That's not what we do.
The drinking is to allow us the power to try to destroy you in front of your children.
It's not to play charades.
It's not pictionary.
It's not trivia.
We're not doing trivia.
We're not going to do trivia.
And that's, a lot of Irish people listening to this are probably aware of this.
This is the, this is not.
So this drinking at the colleges with the moms and the dads and the kids is probably fun and kind of innocent.
And it allows the parents to kind of relive, you know, their days in the college.
So it's kind of fun for everyone involved.
And a lot of those people are just having very nice, normal interactions with each other.
You know, and there's nothing wrong with that.
Is Matt Gates still checking right now?
By the way, this female incel movement is not new.
I know that this is new.
Oh, wow, Breaking news.
Men's Status Movement00:07:02
Matt Gates has canceled our request, this coward.
Yeah.
I can't believe that.
I mean, I can, but.
I mean, why is he such a coward?
No, don't rebuck.
He'll keep canceling it.
Right.
I mean, this is sad.
Well, it's not sad.
It is sad, but it's actually...
He has some dignity.
Does he?
Does he?
This is the most dignified.
We're giving him an audience.
The most dignified thing he could be doing.
That is shitty.
And you know what?
Now I'm glad he's not the attorney general.
I was willing to overlook the trafficking.
I was willing to overlook the trafficking, but to cancel a cameo request is insane.
What is he doing?
He didn't need the extra 300.
Well, he does.
We made a mistake.
We made a mistake by using my name.
No last name and no fake biz.
We've been fine.
Well, I said fancy.
I said, thanks for having him on the show.
Like, he wasn't going to do that.
I shouldn't have done that.
It was pretty heavy-handed.
It was heavy-handed.
Hindsight.
2020.
Now we know.
God, you see clear in the hindsight, do you not?
Female 4B movement could change America.
The female movement in Korea, no marriage, no dating, no birthing, and no sex.
By the way, this female incel movement is not new to America.
I'm a wine mom.
I'm such a grandma.
It's wine o'clock.
I don't want to go out.
I don't want to talk to people.
There's a lot of people that are very popular now because they're very attractive and that, you know, females are having parasocial relationships with them because there is an incel strain with a lot of these female women.
And some of these women are miserable and they're sitting in this data entry office and they're just typing things and they see these attractive people and they have a parasocial relationship with them.
So I know this is a new one in Korea, but it is in America too.
My cousin and her friends are not alone.
Across Korea, young women are swearing off men, influenced by the 4B movement, a radical feminist campaign that originated in Korea in the 2010s.
The 4Bs are no marriage, no dating, no birthing, and no sex.
Yeah, I mean, in America, we just call this like, you know, you can call it radical feminism or whatever, but in America, we basically are just, there are examples of this, but in America, it's all about career.
So it's about prioritizing career.
And by the way, men too.
America is such a money-obsessed, status-obsessed culture that people are told to prioritize their career and their financial well-being.
And women are being told this.
Women are now being told it years ago they weren't.
But they're being told to prioritize financial well-being and career success over more traditional, perhaps arguably, in my estimation, more meaningful relationships with family and community.
But we have de-emphasized the idea of family and community as routes to happiness.
And we have elevated status and wealth as the routes to happiness.
All of our reality shows are primarily about people that are rich or who are getting richer.
They're not about people that live in a community that enjoy it.
They're not about people that have lasting and meaningful social bonds.
That doesn't make anyone any money.
Making people money is related to telling people that their entire worth as a human being is how rich they are or what status level they are at in society.
So, and that's been something that has been pretty, you know, well known.
I think this is men feel this way, women feel this way.
We've become a society about status, about money, about all these things at the expense of more important things that have stood the test of time.
And I think that's why you're seeing a little conservative shift to the culture.
I don't think it's going to end in the Christian theocracy.
It's my hope it doesn't.
What I think we're seeing is that technology has made the pace of change disorienting for most people.
And the institutions that they grew up with, however flawed they are, marriage, family, the church, community, they are all disappearing.
And people are single and they're less likely to have a religious affiliation.
And they're less likely, in many cases, to have children or a larger family.
And they're less likely to be a meaningful part of a community.
So you have all these single people living in cities, working in a gig economy that don't have attachments to other people socially.
And some of them are heavily medicated.
Some of them are experiencing depression and anxiety at record numbers.
Some of them sadly are unaliving themselves.
Some of them are on cameo and being cowards.
But the point is that when you re-engineer the world and you remove core elements of people's identity and what they understand, people fight to get those things back in whatever way that they can.
So they have some semblance of understanding.
You know, Raycomp said once great, he has, he goes, I have a knowledge of time or something.
I forget what he said.
He said, I have an understanding of time, but it was true.
You need to give people some type.
And I'm not saying it has to be rooted in fundamentalist Islam or Christianity or a woke religion that is being given to people through the priests of academia.
But certain institutions remain pretty important as organizing principles of people's lives.
And it cannot just be a mad dash for money and status.
It can be for me, but I'm good at things.
Organizing Principles Today00:00:13
Ladies and gentlemen, TimDellComedy.com for all the live dates.
And Matt Gates, the coward.
Sorry.
Sorry we were late today, but if you've got an issue with it, Gates.