Tim talks about getting a flat tire in Harlem, Biden’s brain, not being the first, 90’s songs as speeches and Tucker Carlson’s Vladimir Putin interview.American Royalty Tour🎟 https://www.timdilloncomedy.com/SPONSORS:Gametime:Get The Gametime App & Use Code: 'TIM'DraftKingsGet DraftKings App & Use Code 'TIMDILLON'Blue ChewBlueChew.com & Use Code: ‘TIM’Morgan & Morgan:For more information go to forthepeople.com/tim▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬Subscribe to the channel:https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC4wo...Instagram:https://www.instagram.com/timjdillon/Twitter:https://www.twitter.com/TimJDillonListen on Spotify!https://open.spotify.com/show/2gRd1wo...#TheTimDillonShowMerch: https://store.timdilloncomedy.com/For every $400,000 we gross in revenue, we are donating five dollars to end homelessness in Los Angeles. We are challenging other creators to do the same.#TimGivesBack
Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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Luxury Car Pothole Mishap00:11:39
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the show.
We are late and we apologize for that because I was coming back from the Levity Live comedy club in the Palisades Mall.
What a treat.
And, you know, it's a dump.
It's a fun dump and the audiences were fun.
It's the area is kind of a dud.
And I was coming back and I was on the FDR and I hit a big pothole with my car, which is a luxury car.
And I was up in Harlem when that happened.
So I turned off the FDR drive onto a street corner in Harlem, you know, with this brand new Bentley car, which the people in Harlem loved, to be honest.
They're very complimentary about it.
Everyone that was walking by was like, we love the car.
What kind of car is this?
This is very nice.
And there were cops parked there who promptly left when I got there.
They were like, let's see what happens, which I would have done too if I was a cop.
I would have said it's, I would have said, it's not going to be any fun if we sit here on the corner.
Let's take a loop and then see.
And we couldn't get a tow truck till 4 a.m.
And it was just me and my opener.
And we were sitting in the Bentley.
And it was on, we were on 145th Street, 142nd and 5th Avenue.
And we were sitting there in the Bentley and we would stand outside of it periodically from time to time.
And people would walk over and talk to us.
And some people look at us and some people would, you know, and then the one tow truck guy, we got a pizza at one point and we're eating the pizza.
And one tow truck guy came over, looks like a Dominican guy.
And he's like, I can't tow it because it needs a flatbed.
And I was like, yeah, that makes sense, you know, and he's like, you got to watch out for these Venezuelans.
I'm like, what?
And he goes, yeah, the Venezuelan migrants, they're robbing everybody.
They're just taking purses.
And he goes, there's one guy.
He goes, he's on a walkie talk.
He tells him, he goes, go get me a phone.
Go get me.
I'm like, wait, what?
What's happened?
So, you know, again, that's not me.
I didn't say that.
I did, you know, that's a guy who's coming up to me, a Dominican guy at 1 a.m. in Harlem going, you got to watch out for the Venezuelans.
And which just made me laugh.
I was like, where is that guy on the news?
But, you know, you never see like, where is he?
Where is his reaction?
You know, you never see like the Dominican tow truck driver reaction to what's going on.
But he, he went on and on.
He was going on and on about Venezuelan migrants, gangs.
And, you know, I was like, oh, well, we'll, you know, we'll do our best.
We will do our best to avoid.
But, you know, we were sitting ducks.
If anybody wanted the car, they would have taken it.
Nobody did.
We ended up getting it out of there.
But that's why we're late.
So it's not, and we weren't in, maybe that's important.
We weren't in the center of things.
We're kind of off to the side.
But, you know, it's not that bad, Fox News.
It's not that bad.
A new Bentley sat on the corner on 142nd and 5th.
It looked like a sting.
I think if you wanted to steal a car, it looked like a sting.
It was like me and this other white kid standing outside of the car, like two undercover cops with this Bentley there eating pizza, waiting to get jacked.
So I think it was one of those things where like people are like, wait a minute, you know, I was like, this is a little too, this is a little too on the nose, maybe.
But the cops kept, you know, like they would, they would be like, you know, every like hour, they'd be like, oh, you're still here.
I'm like, what does that mean?
I'm like, this isn't such a bad area.
They were like, no, it's not, it's not good.
But nothing happened.
But what did happen was we did not get home until 5 a.m.
And everybody, I was exhausted.
And so I slept till like one.
And now, of course, I'll lose the car for a month.
The thing about having these luxury cars, which is stupid, I've kind of learned my lesson about them.
I think maybe the next things I get when this is a lease, when I turn it back in, I think I'll just not do this again, because anything that goes wrong with any of these cars is like the minimum a month and you have to turn it in and you know it's annoying.
Now, obviously it's not as annoying as other things that people go through.
Right, this is not.
You know, I'm not.
You know people are gonna be like, what about Gaza?
You know I, you know, I know I'm aware that seems worse, but it is annoying that you can't take this to a regular.
They don't have a spare tire in the bent.
There's none.
There's no spare tire.
You're just out there like, and then you got to go through their people.
You can't use triplet.
You got to go through their whole thing and you know it's a very uh, annoying process.
But the what is happening in Gaza is worse.
Is that okay?
Is that okay to say that the starvation, the mass starvation now, and the you know and, of course, being in a tunnel, the people that have been in that tunnel for a long time, the hostages, have been in that tunnel.
Now, for how long have they been in that tunnel?
Probably about two months since october, three months, four months, almost four yeah, four months in the Hamas Tunnel and a lot of them have died.
Now it's uh, it's never gonna work over there.
I mean, this is just my surmise from the whole thing.
It's just not gonna work.
And you know we're not gonna talk about it because you know it's just not gonna work.
You know, eventually you just, you know you have to accept that it isn't gonna work.
You know, I remember my, I had an uncle and an aunt and they, you know it just didn't seem good.
They would show up, they would show up to the, you know, the holiday parties at different times.
She would come later and bring dessert.
She would kind of not come for the dinner and he would come for the dinner and she would kind of show up with like, chocolate covered strawberries.
You know, three hours later and we were like oh, something's up and something was up because they are now divorced and they both live happy lives separately from each other.
But this is what I think is uh happening over there now.
Obviously there was, in my uncle and aunt's case there was certainly less violence.
There is more violence over in the Middle East from my perspective with my uncle and my aunt.
My uncle and aunt, they like made a lot of faces.
It was a lot of like scowls and kind of you know, and that was.
That's not nothing, but it certainly wasn't kind of the you know, the bombing of the hospitals and everybody dying.
That's a little bit more, that's a little more depressing um, you know.
But uh, our president, now I think that they're getting into the, they're getting into the final stages of grief and they got to get rid of this man.
They cannot run him.
They are going to lose if they run him.
This is the scuttlebutt.
I talk to a lot of people that certainly know more than I do and they're all basically saying that this is not going to work.
They cannot run a guy uh, who is essentially in a stage of mental decline.
We all know that it's, it's quite obvious to everyone.
Uh, Trump also confuses things and make miss, makes missteps, but in in nowhere near the level that Biden has publicly.
And finally, the special counsel just released a report that they're not really indicting Biden for these documents that he had because he doesn't know where he is.
They were basically like, he's a, you know, this is a kindly old fellow who doesn't know where he is or what he's doing.
He has a poor memory.
There was a quote that basically said that that, you know, alleviates his responsibility.
It would have been better if he was indicted because people would have went, oh, okay, you know, the old dog can still fight.
You know, at least he can still lie to us.
I mean, that's all we really want our politicians to be able to do is to be able to lie.
That's the job requirement.
That's the whole description of a political figure primarily is that they have the mental capacity to lie, to make things up, to manipulate.
That's what a politician does.
And he's too old to do that.
He's too confused to do that.
He's too forgetful.
He doesn't really know what happened.
And, you know, the money quote, I think, was it, yeah, he's an elderly man with a poor memory.
You know, the jury would be sensitive to an elderly man with a poor memory.
The president did not remember when he was vice president.
Even within several years, when his son Bo died, the memory appeared hazy when describing the Afghanistan debate that was once so important to him.
So, I mean, this is the biggest, you know, non-story because we know all of this, but, you know, now the people are being forced to confront this.
And now there's not that many people.
I mean, you have Michelle Obama, who, you know, half the country is convinced is a man.
You know, I don't know if that, you know, hurts her.
I imagine that it could help in certain areas and certain areas it might be a problem, but she's kind of it.
Gavin Newsom is a hated charlatan who lives on a vineyard and manages a failed state from a vineyard that is trying to be, I mean, the plagues, biblical plagues are descending upon California at a rate that only suggests that there is a God and that he is not impartial to the coasts.
He clearly prefers the East Coast, which of course he would.
If there is a God, there's no way he likes the West Coast better.
You know, there's no way.
That would imagine he's like the most superficial being and he just cares that it's pretty, you know?
No, I'm sure he's, you know, he's interested in, you know, the flora and the fauna, but he also likes the life, the people that he's created.
And there's no way that he's not disappointed in the West Coast.
There's just no way.
And Gavin Newsom is a, you know, hated figure.
He's not liked.
He's, he's, you know, he's smarmy.
There's all the things about him.
He's a good-looking kind of 50-year-old fuckboy that nobody trusts and no one should.
And he's presiding over a state.
And when he had the chance to really wipe the floor with Ron DeSantis in the debate, he didn't.
He didn't.
He kind of choked, you know?
And DeSantis is not like a great debater.
He's like a cop.
DeSantis is like a cop.
Best case, he's like a principal.
He's like a substitute math teacher who takes himself way too serious.
We had a guy like that.
We had a substitute math teacher that like was really proud of his, that he was a teacher and he was a coach and he wasn't a full-time teacher.
And he like, you know, was like doing extra around the school to try to get hired full-time.
And he'd like call you out if you were wearing a hat in the hall.
Awkward Party Racism00:15:49
That's kind of the vibe.
So, you know, you can easily kind of trounce Ron DeSantis, but Gavin Newsom didn't do it.
So I don't think he's the move.
And then you're looking at the rest of the field and nobody, nobody has name recognition.
That's the biggest problem.
The biggest thing with the political system in America is you need name recognition.
And Michelle Obama has name recognition.
She can come in.
And if she comes in, I'm telling you, it's the only shot they have.
It's the only shot they have is if Michelle Obama comes in and they do the whole kind of, because it is powerful, right?
The idea of like black female president, you know, you know, identity politics is annoying and ultimately probably destructive.
Well, we know it's destructive, but it does have a certain visceral appeal.
And it always has a certain visceral appeal.
Even I catch myself.
I'm not a human being.
When I watch people and they're very emotional about, you know, the fact that they are taking steps that nobody in their race has ever done before, even though that's not true, like a lot of these people, like, no one has ever done that.
And it's like, no, people have.
Like, they erase, they erase a lot of people, right?
It's like Martin was my favorite show growing up.
It was a great black sitcom, right?
I mean, the Cosby show, Living Single, in Living Color, there were, there were a lot of, you know, but sometimes people get up on stage.
They're like, no one has been here before me.
And I want to thank everyone who tried and failed.
And it's like, it's an odd, you're like, wait, what?
I want to thank everyone who tried to get here and failed because this country was always a racist, but they couldn't deny me, of course.
My talent couldn't be denied.
The others of, you know, they tried, but they lacked something, but I had it.
And now, but when you look at a lot of these people, the gay people that get up and do it and they're like, I'm the first queer person to ever.
And it's never true, by the way.
All of these things are never true.
And people get away with it, but they're never true.
You can always find if, and you don't have to look that hard to find people like Ray always brings up that like one of the composers for the music of the Stanley Kubrick movies was like a trans woman who, you know, is like this legendary composer of all this music that went in the Kubrick films.
You don't have to look that hard to find somebody before you that also did a thing.
There was a gay comedian.
I don't know his name and I'm not going to find it out.
But there was a gay comedian who performed for the military all the time.
And it was very difficult.
And if somebody knows who this is, they can message me.
His name.
And he died, but he was a gay comedian that would perform often for the military, which is not obviously always going to be the easiest crowd for an openly gay comedian.
And he died.
But he did it.
And he went out and he said, and he would win them over with material.
And then the middle of the set or towards the end or whatever, he would come out of the closet and people wouldn't mind.
It was, you know, it was just, but it was, you know, a little awkward because you're performing.
And, you know, when he was performing, attitudes about gay people were more, you know, conservative than they are now.
But, you know, he wasn't famous.
This was not a famous person, but he was out there as an openly gay comedian doing what he did.
So I've been lucky enough to get to a level.
And I've probably even said there's probably not too many gay male comedians who've gotten to a level that I've gotten.
There's a few of them.
And I've been lucky, and that's the internet, primarily because the internet has, you know, allowed people to get involved in people's careers.
But the reality is you can never claim to be, you're not the first of anything in 2024.
You're not it.
You might be doing a great job, but you're probably not the first that you're, you just maybe got more famous than the other people, which is such an empty way to look at it.
It doesn't mean you're better or you're more deserving.
It just means that things worked out for you.
But there's a lot of people that, so it's always interesting when these speeches go a little overboard.
They just, they, they, they run that line between narcissism and, you know, because we get it.
It is good to, you know, to make, to break new ground.
But then it just gets a little, it always gets a little uncomfortable towards the end.
It's a little uncomfortable toward the end of the speech when the person's like, it's, it's, I stand on the shoulders of giants to be here tonight as the only person, you know, of my group to be here, the only, the first non-binary Pacific Islander to be here with you tonight.
And I look at those other people that that were disgraced.
Their lives were horrible and they were spit on.
Their whole lives, they just opened their mouths and people shit in their mouths.
And when I got out of that limousine and I walked on that red carpet in my dress and I got taken, all these people were taking photos of me.
It was never lost on me how horrible all those other people's lives were and how great it is for me, even though there's a lot more to do.
And this is no indication that it's over because it's not over.
It's actually in many ways worse for me than those people somehow, even though I'm winning this.
I don't want to, I'm not handing, I'm not handing you over the thing.
I'm telling you, it's still bad and it's going to be bad.
But just as I was in my Valentino dress, I got out of, and I just, I thought about all those people whose lives were terrible right before me.
But there is a visceral exciting thing about identity pie.
There's something fun about it.
We all can get into it.
We go, yeah, good for you.
I'm happy.
I'm happy when someone wins, right?
So I think Michelle Obama is the only way, and it's got to be big.
It has to be big.
It's got to be Beyonce at the convention.
It has to be big.
You've got to, it's got to be that.
You have to lean.
You have to lean into it in a way that's, you know, you got to ride the line between offensive.
I mean, it's got to be Native American with the drums, kind of drum circles, and it's got to be African, like traditional African dance, because that is a nice dance.
You don't see that a lot like the traditional kind of African dance they do.
And I'm telling you, this all seems racist.
None of it is.
And that's what's interesting.
What's interesting about it is that it all seems and genuinely, genuinely none of it is.
And then I have to correct people all the time because I'm telling her how to win, telling her how to win.
And in order to win, you have, I want to see Minnesota delegates, white, I mean gaunt white ghost people that emerged from their shit snowy towns in the Northeast and they come in the Great Lakes, the Finger Lakes region.
They come out, they come out and they are just kind of moving awkwardly at the convention to some great African drumbeats, great African drumbeat.
And you just see like the awkward swaying, the awkward swaying of a librarian from Minnesota.
You know, she's just awkwardly swaying and she's got to bring the, they've got to bring the Jews and the Muslims together.
And we can only really do that at this point through kind of a, kind of a beat, kind of a dance, kind of a musical, because it is going to be very awkward, right?
Because I mean, you got to have to, what do they do?
That's the biggest issue for the Democrats.
Do they even bring it up?
Do they even bring it up at the convention?
They're going to maybe have to, but I'm telling you right now, it's got to be spectacle.
They have to lean on spectacle.
They don't have the Jew Muslim thing is going to be tough because it, you know, I mean, they've got people of color.
That's their, one of their big, you know, demos.
And then they have Jewish people.
That's another big demo.
Okay.
And then they're going to have to get up and they're going to go, oh boy.
How do we handle this?
And the only way to handle it, the only way to skate past it is spectacle.
The only way to skate past the border stuff is spectacle.
The strength of this country is, you know, they really just have to double down on spectacle.
And the only way to do that is kind of with Michelle Obama coming out with Barack, star power, star studded.
You bring everybody out.
I mean, everybody is on that stage.
Doja Cat, everyone.
And you are just, and no one, because that's the only thing they're going to be able to, they're not going to be able to like logically.
There's too many contradictions in their platform.
There's too many groups in the room that hate each other.
Too many people hate each other.
And when too many people hate each other, you have to lean on spectacle.
Everybody has, it's kind of got to be a concert.
It has to be a coronation.
It can't be like you're going through the platform.
No, Not going to work.
You cannot do a line by line.
Like, let's decide the party.
But that's got to be done behind closed doors in secret and silence.
Silence.
Tracy Chapman.
Look at Tracy Chapman has to do Fast Car.
There can be no discussion of anything.
You bring out Tracy Chapman.
You got a Fast car.
It doesn't matter that Michelle Obama was raised rich, pretty much.
Not rich, but middle class.
Fine.
She's fine.
You know, Michelle Obama can just talk about she should just do the lyrics to Fast Car.
You know?
You know, if she got up there, get the lyrics to Fast Car.
If she got up there and just poetically, she was like, you've got a fast car.
And everyone's clapping.
And I want a ticket to anywhere.
Yeah.
Maybe we can make a deal.
Maybe together we can get somewhere.
Yeah.
Starting from zero, we got nothing to lose.
Been working at the convenience store.
There's a lot of people out here that managed to save just a little bit of money.
Clap.
Everyone's going nuts.
And we won't have to drive too far just across the border and into the city.
And then someone's going to yell, free Palestine.
And that, you know, you just have to keep going, you know, and you have to ignore it.
You have to, cause you know that's going to happen at the convention.
They're going to, they're already planning.
They're already planning that disruption.
So they're going to go free Palestine.
And then if she's good and she's good, she'll just point at them.
You and I can both get jobs.
Finally see what it means to be living.
And everyone's clapping.
And then she gets serious because my old man's got a problem.
He's got a problem.
He live in the bottle.
That's the way it is.
He said his body is too old for working.
And everyone's nodding.
You know, the nodding like, because, you know, she's a wise black woman.
It's what it is.
That's what it is.
Whenever black women talk, I listen because they know more than like a 17-year-old white piece of shit.
So I always listen.
They've been through more as people than like young white.
I never, if you're not hot on Instagram, you're like a young white dude.
I know if you're hot, I just watch it on mute.
I don't care at all what you're saying.
If you're a 20-year-old white dude and you're like, that's all I hear.
But if a black woman, no matter what stage of her life, if she's homeless, I listen.
A homeless black woman, you know, who's like, I will turn and listen to her immediately because I just have more respect for their base of wood.
They've been through more shit.
So people in the audience are going to be enrapped.
You know, there's going to be like, they're going to, is that a word enrapped and raptured in, what am I looking for?
It doesn't matter.
The point is, what am I saying?
You know what I mean?
They're going to be, and, then Michelle's going to be at the convention and she's going to be like, his body's too young to look like this.
And everyone's going to start nodding.
Now, here's the deal.
There are, maybe certain people in the convention will know it's the lyrics to Fast Car by Tracy Chappell, but it won't matter.
She'll go, so mama went off and left him.
She wanted more from life than he could give.
And I said, somebody's got to take care of it.
And then every, and it's a big applause line.
So I quit school and that's what I did.
I'm telling you, you have to lean on spectacle at that convention.
Biden has to be taken out like old Yeller.
They, you know, because Biden's a racist criminal.
He's an old racist criminal, like many of our politicians.
Biden is a rate.
He called the city's jungles.
He's a, he's got shady deals in the Ukraine.
He's got a crack smoking son who's fucking hookers with guns to their head.
You know, Biden has had it, you know, I mean, he's, his like biography, I mean, it's just a, you know, Biden is the senator from Delaware, which is the shadiest state.
It's where every credit card company moves to in America just so they can fuck over financially illiterate people by calling them on the phone and saying, we're sending credit cards to your house.
And they have these exorbitant activation fees and crazy interest and the monthlies are insane.
And they move to Delaware because there's very little regulation and they can fuck over everyone.
Joe Biden's a senator from that state, that state, okay?
He's a shady guy and he's been one.
He's been a lifelong politician.
He's stayed in there forever.
Okay.
Al Franken got bounced because he did like a fake little, he's like, oh, look at me.
I'm pretending to grow tits.
He's out.
Biden has been around forever.
It gives you an idea of what he's into or who he's in with that.
He's been there forever.
He's a shady guy, just a shady guy.
There's no way around it.
He's an old, racist criminal that they have.
They have to put him out to pasture nicely, like Old Yeller, and there's something beautiful about putting him out to pasture and then having Michelle Obama come in in a real real, electric way.
The Trump Candidacy Fun00:07:54
That leans heavily on symbolism imagery spectacle fun, and that would be the Democrats only shot.
Make it a part, throw a party.
You have to throw a party right now, for the next six months, to get someone elect.
It has to be because Donald Trump is throwing a party.
He's throwing a party.
You may not like the party.
You may think the party is not, is not good for the country.
You may think the people at the party have had too much to drink.
You may think some of them aren't mentally well.
You might think some of them are violent.
You might look around the party and go, some of these people.
This seems like a real powder keg and it might be, but it's a party.
He's out there on the stump roasting people, making you laugh.
He's throwing a party for his people.
That's all we have left in this country right now, by the way, and don't kid yourself, is a part.
People just want to go to the party.
We know we're kind of at the end not to belabor a point, not to keep going back to the same theme, but we know that we're entering a period of turmoil.
Okay, in in in many different ways.
Uh, you know, California houses are just falling off the hill into the street.
It's, it's a period of intense difficulty.
China, Russia or North Korea, all of these countries are enemies of us.
We have problems everywhere you look.
Some of it's unavoidable, some of it can maybe be fixed, but we know all of the things coming, coming down the pike, ai automation climate.
It's not going to be easy.
It won't be easy.
We know we just want to go to a party.
You have to throw a party.
The Biden candidacy is not a party.
The only person in the Biden group that's is Hunter and he's partied too much.
It's like we all have that friend where it's like this is too much hey, this is too much, like that's not a fun party.
Hunters overdid it, he overdid it, and the Biden candidacy isn't fun.
Here's what the Biden candidacy is.
Trump's Party is a party, maybe in a big desert mansion in Arizona.
Can we say that?
And everybody's out in the backyard.
Everybody's getting fucked up.
It's crazy.
It's a turquoise colored pool.
The desert lights are out.
Everybody's just really fucked up.
The party is the point.
The party is the point, right?
Biden's party is like you go to this rich kid's house and he keeps telling you about all the things that are going to happen at the party and none of it really happens.
And you're like, is this guy confused?
Is this guy lying to us?
Is this guy?
Is this even real?
And it never gets off the ground.
It never, it just kind of, it just kind of sits there and it's kind of a dud.
But the Trump party, the party is the point.
Everything he's, all the experiences you're going to have, you're having.
You're having.
That's kind of the fun of the Trump candidacy.
Yes, he promises things that may or may not happen, but that's, they're never the point.
They're never the actual point.
You know, Biden's, it's the point.
He's like, oh, we're going to, these girls said, you know, the central high school, well, the girls said they're coming.
And give me your phone with text.
What was her name?
Tracy Tina, who is that?
Oh, she was a hottie and she's coming.
And then she said she was coming.
Like, it's at the party.
You get to the Trump party and he's like, isn't this the best party in the way?
And everybody's clapping.
You're like, well, I guess it is.
This seems like the best party in the way.
Everybody's fucked up.
And yes, at the Trump Party, few people die.
Few people die, probably.
A few people die.
And then, you know, he eulogizes them.
He goes, they died.
They were at the party.
And everyone goes, yeah, they were at the party.
Who cares?
They're at the party, you know?
The Biden party's safe.
You know, Biden's telling you not to get too close to the cliff.
Trump's like, get the, get the picture.
Get the picture.
Get that fucking Instagram photo.
Who cares?
So Michelle Obama has, and the Democratic Party has in their, in their ability, their ability right now to throw a fucking rager.
But it's got to be big.
It's got to be big.
It's got to be 90s liberalism that was fun when all the white people wanted to be black, even though that was gross then because we all know that that was in the middle of mass incarceration.
But you know what I mean?
What I mean by that is that it's got to be fun.
It's got to feel fun.
If you want to win, I'm telling you how to win.
And I know people listen to this show that have some influence.
You have to throw some type of event.
This campaign has to feel new and electric and exciting.
It's got to feel like a party.
And if it doesn't, it's never going to work.
So take my advice.
At that convention, I'm talking about African dance or maybe it's an 80s themed 80s, 90s breakdance with the big boom boxes.
I don't, again, you're like, oh my God, this is right.
It isn't.
I'm just wondering what theme are we going to go with here?
What theme is it Gen X 90 slacker?
Are we doing that?
Is it friends?
Is it like a friends theme?
Like, is that the theme where it's like, we're all looking out for each other?
We're all friends here.
Michelle's our friend and we're all friends.
And does she walk out with Anniston and Kudreu and all the people?
I'm not kidding.
And do we, do we all put, do we like pour out hot tub water for Matthew Perry?
And do we all put our fingers to the sky?
You know, you know, I don't know what we do.
I don't know if we do that.
I don't know if that's wise to have a friends convention where we memorialize Matthew Perry.
That's out there.
Sure.
That might not be one that they take from this episode, but I will say I'm, do you have, and I'm like, do we reunite the cast of Martin?
Do we reunite with Tisha Campbell?
Kind of what the Emmys did.
The Emmys got a couple of more viewers than they usually do.
Do we get Toshina Arnold, Tisha Campbell, Martin?
Cole Anthony Payne.
This was one of the greatest comedy shows.
Do we do that?
Does Brittany Griner come out and just start three-point?
I don't know.
I'm saying Trump is going to have his version of that.
He's going to be doing the White Olympics opening ceremony.
You have to give liberals, get, they got to feel cool again.
People got to start looking at them going, this is cool.
This isn't just like green-haired people that are angry in Wisconsin.
This feels cool.
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Polyamory is a big thing now.
Everybody is polyamorous.
We're not everybody, but they're pushing it hard.
Even longtime married people are doing it from triads to quads.
More people are choosing polyamory over monogamy, but it's not all rosie, participants say.
Yeah.
This is one of these articles where it's like quite obvious to everyone what it's going to say, where it's like, you know, at first, the whole poly concept sounded flaky.
Married happily for 26 years to a guy she met when she was 19, Cherise always had this, what?
What is this word?
Are you serious?
Is that a real word?
I believe it is, but it's, I wouldn't say it yet.
Are you crazy?
We can have the computer say it.
The word in it, what publication is that?
The National Post.
The National Post.
Can I spell this word?
Cherise always had this N-I-G-G-L-I-N-G.
Sharice always had this N-I-G-G-L-I-N-G thing.
What?
It's a word.
This is the craziest.
There was no other word this made it to an editor?
All right, so I'm going to say it if it's a word.
Cherise always had this niggling thing, a curiosity about women that she never had the opportunity to explore.
Who cares?
White chicks, you know, I mean, listen, some people are buying.
I'm not saying it's just white chicks, but I don't, you know, folks, I'm stuck on this word now.
This is crazy that they let this word even get.
Here's the deal.
Polyamory doesn't work.
Here's why.
People get jealous.
Jealousy is real, right?
So we all know what polyamory is.
It's we're all going to fuck everybody and everyone's going to be cool about it.
You're going to have sex with people.
I'll have sex with people.
Maybe we'll be in a thruple, which seems absurd.
People are in a thruple.
They're in a relationship with two other people.
I mean, it's crazy.
We're going to have romantic comedies now with quads with four people.
We have groups of...
Folks, we've tried this.
It's called cults.
It's called cults.
I mean, truly.
A bunch of people living together and fucking or, you know, not even living together.
It's called a cult.
It doesn't really work.
Everyone has to drink poison at the end or they make a documentary about you on YouTube.
But that's really what it comes down to.
You mean these are like the idea that this is going to work is crazy.
People, the idea of it sounds good, but the happiest people I know are they are building something with their wife or husband or partner, significant other, whatever.
Like when you are building something, you have to like subordinate all of the desires you have for the greater good.
And the greater good is you're building something with a person, you know, and you can't gratify every base need that you're having all the time.
This isn't a productive way to live.
And the reason that the media has fallen in love with polyamory is that a lot of people in the media are losers.
And losers, this is an attractive philosophy to losers.
And a lot of people that are in the media are losers.
The people that are writing these articles that are like cocooned in their apartments all day, you know, eating Chinese food, eating bao buns, and writing about how you should proceed with your love life are losers.
And they're incapable of being in any type of productive relationship.
They're incapable of finding a partner that they enjoy and that they want to build something with.
So they tell you that no one should have these things.
That's what the media, they tell you that they don't have any money.
No one should have any money.
No one can make any money.
They tell you that they can't find a part.
Well, then no one should.
Everyone, they say if they can't be attractive, no one should be attractive.
It's the ideal that's the problem.
The ideal is the problem.
If they don't have a six-pack, no one can have a six-pack, you know?
And that's what the media often does.
They often go, well, this is our experience.
We're miserable.
We live in New York.
We don't have any money.
We live in these tiny little apartments.
You don't need that suburb stock.
You don't need that backyard.
You don't need all that land.
You should be like me, miserable in Brooklyn.
I'm 46 and I'm miserable.
I'm single.
I live in a, in a, in a section of Brooklyn that's coming up.
Miserable Brooklyn Life00:14:26
I'm 46.
The time to do that's when you're 19, you know?
But that's why this stuff is all catchy.
There's no, there's no, this polyamory stuff, but it's this whole bit feels like engineered.
I don't know anyone.
I don't know anybody who's polyamory.
I know, I know people that are not.
It's my godson.
Should we answer?
Should we answer my godson?
Should he be on the pod?
Sure.
It'd be kind of interesting to have him on the podcast.
My godson was watching the Tucker interview with Putin and clapping.
I don't know what it means.
I don't know what it means.
But I watched that whole interview.
I'll tell you what I think about that.
It's very hard to me because Putin, I've known him for a very long time and we have a lot of social, our social circle is.
Hi, Roland.
Say hello on the podcast.
He said he wanted to go to Timmy.
You want to go to my house, Roland?
You can take him to the pool.
He can go to the pool if you want.
Take him to the pool.
China, China, play him the interview with Vladimir Putin.
Tucker Carlson just did an interview with Vladimir Putin.
It's very important for him to watch because that is his ally.
Putin is your ally.
Hi.
Putin is your ally.
He's so happy.
You could take him to the pool and then play him Putin.
He was yelling at the other kids at the museum.
All right.
Well, I'm in the middle.
I do have to finish this podcast, but goodbye, Roland.
Putin.
It's interesting because Putin called me, you know, and we don't talk as much as we used to.
And it is fun when he calls.
And he has, here's the thing about him.
He has a subtle, very subtle sense of humor.
And I appreciate that because I'm more gregarious and Latin.
And that's why it always worked as a friendship because friendships need to kind of have those opposite components.
And his clan is from St. Petersburg.
And I know more people in Moscow, but we do have certainly there's an overlap.
And he called me and said, I'm going to have Tucker on.
And I said, I said, go.
I said, you know what?
I said, do a whole thing.
I said, give him a dissertation.
And he goes, no, I go, do it.
And he did it.
That's for the people that think that I really know Putin.
There are people that watch your show that think like Russia pays me because I've questioned the I've questioned our policy, our dedicated policy of nuclear war.
The American defense establishment's dedicated policy of more nuclear war.
I watched the interview.
Favorite part was when Putin was like, hey, he said to Tucker, he goes, hey, thank God you didn't get into the CIA because Putin doesn't respect anyone who doesn't have real power.
And what's cool about that moment is Putin actually respects like the CIA because he said, you know, they were always our enemies, but he goes, a job's a job.
And he kind of smiles, you know, because if all you fight against is the CIA, you kind of have a respect for them.
Putin, you know, his entire life, he's been fighting against this one group of people, right?
And the way he said that to Tucker, he's got, you know, Putin doesn't care about people in the media.
He doesn't, I don't think he really respects the media.
This is not, you know, so the way he said that, he's like, oh, thank God, you didn't get into the CIA.
He was basically like, I would have respected you if you were here to poison me because that's the type of guy he is.
And that's the thing.
Here's why Putin is, even though he is, murders people.
Here's what's interesting about Putin.
He's not on TikTok.
This is what we like about Putin.
He's a relic of another age.
Let's say that about him.
He's an armchair philosopher.
He's grandpa.
If, you know, grandpa had hundreds of nuclear weapons.
He's he's a relic.
He's not really interested in the new media landscape.
We can say that.
That's not, he's not interested in that.
What Putin Putin orients himself from his position.
The first answer was 30 minutes.
He goes, this is why I believe what I believe.
Is it junk?
Was he filibustering?
Is it whatever?
None of that matters because this is the guy.
This is his perspective.
You don't live in Russia.
So the reality of the situation is my interest is that America doesn't go to war with Russia in a capacity with nuclear weapons.
And my interest is that America doesn't instigate a wider war in that part of the world that becomes a war that we're fighting.
This is my instinct.
This is not veneration of his worldview per se, although there are certain things he says, which I completely get it.
And there's certain things he says where I go, okay, I was a debate guy.
I know kind of what he's doing.
But that moment was my favorite when he kind of, he kind of has that awesh moment because the fun of his life is over, by the way.
The fun of his, like he, he's at the top of the mountain.
It's very lonely.
He's got the big desk.
But I'm not comparing myself to Putin.
I wish that if I was on Ozempic and it really worked, perhaps.
But no, what basically the thing about Putin is at this point, he's only living for Russia or what he thinks Russia is.
Like he, you know, his friends are all older.
They're all dying.
The excitement of his life, being a spy, climbing the ranks, fucking the women, killing the people, your life almost being taken all the time.
That's kind of over.
That's over.
It's now become, now he's, of course, trying to outrun these coups.
That's why the progosion thing, he probably felt alive again for the first time.
He's like, oh, I got to kind of take this plane out of Moscow.
He probably felt alive.
He said, this feels like the old.
I guarantee you at some point to one of his friends, he said something like, well, it feels like the old days.
Feels like the old day.
Because he's had absolute power over there for a while.
And he gets boring.
And that's why people are like, oh, this interview is boring.
That's what everyone said.
It's boring.
I don't like it.
It's not fun.
That was the critique of the interview.
It's boring.
It's not fun.
It's not interesting.
It's boring.
Where's the back and forth?
Where's the yelling?
I want them to yell at each other.
Yeah, it's a little dry.
It's a little dry, but that's what it is.
What do you think Putin, like all these people?
This is what's interesting about the QAnon cult.
The QAnon people, again, not all wrong.
We know that.
But they're wildly speculative about most things.
And they're just downright insane about others.
That there are body doubles, people have died, but they've been replaced.
JFK Jr. is coming back.
By the way, you want to talk about if JFK Jr. is alive and he comes back and he runs with Michelle Obama.
It's over.
It will be over.
But what I mean by the QAnon cult is that politics by its very nature is boring.
I think the hardest thing for us in our society to wrap our heads around is that there is a banality to the evil that we see in the world.
It is not nearly as exciting as we think it's ancient blood cults and shape-shifting lizards and all the things.
But what it really is, is the cold marble floors of a bank in like Geneva.
It's the high heels of a woman walking across the cold marble floors of a bank in Geneva.
It's a very short phone call on a line that people assure each other isn't being tapped.
It's a lunch where people are very vague about their intentions, but there's an underlying discomfort.
There is a banality to it.
That's where, obviously, the phrase, the banality of evil.
And we just aren't built like that.
So much of American culture has been imagined by Hollywood in spurts of two hours and hours on TV or half hours even.
Storylines that have beginning, middle, and end, and they are filled with intrigue.
And it's not to say that there isn't intrigue in the world.
It's not to say that things aren't interesting, but that's really what it is.
It's not, it's not these, it's this guy's talking about czars.
He's talking about Vladimir being this guy being baptized.
Like the greatest, one of the other great moments is Tucker's like, where are we now?
And Putin's like, 1500s.
He's like, 150.
You know, you will fall asleep.
That is most of the things where people are being killed.
If you were to get a full accounting of them, you would go to sleep.
This is not an episode of a show you like.
This is not White Lotus, where at the end of eight episodes, we're like, who kills who?
White Lotus, you know, the body's there.
It's in episode one, so you know it's all heading somewhere in episode eight.
But if I were to sit down, not that I would do it, but if a scholar were to explain to you the Israel-Palestine conflict or Russia-Ukraine, you would be in bed.
You'd be in bed.
You're killing each other.
Wait, what?
Prince Philip?
Vladimir being baptized, the Cossacks or whatever.
It's boring.
And then I think people just have this idea.
And you could see there were certain moments in the Putin interview, because my interest is in politics.
It's always the human angle.
There was just certain moments, and that was really one of them where Putin's like, a job's a job.
And the way he said that, you know, he was basically saying that that was the fun of my life.
That was the excitement of my life.
The funnest part of when you're a comedian, a lot of times, is when you're running around open mics, not knowing what will happen.
And you have all these people and you're all on the same level and you're all running around eating slices of pizza and you're all broke and you're all trying to figure out how to be a comedian.
Not to say that you don't find fun throughout your career.
You do.
But it changes.
There's more pressure.
There are expectations.
Sacrifices are greater.
They're more real.
In the very beginning, you sacrifice almost nothing.
The expectations are very low.
You're having a lot of fun.
I think in Putin's world, when he was a spy and he didn't know that the future of Russia is resting on his shoulders in his mind, he had a lot more fun.
It was a lot more fun.
And you could see that when he goes, they were always our enemies, but a job is a job.
He's like, without them, what are we?
What are we?
What are we?
He has a respect for the enemy.
He does not respect media.
He does not respect interview.
He does not care.
He, in the beginning, he goes, are we having a show?
We're going to have a talk.
He says, if we're going to have a talk, I'm going to talk for 30 minutes.
You're going to be bored.
Some of your viewers will tune out.
I don't care.
I don't respect you and I don't respect them because I'm one of the very few people on the planet that has a nuclear arsenal.
I respect those people.
Just like when he said, I don't speak to Biden, but our agencies talk.
We have communication.
They say to me, that nuclear test is not about you.
I say the same thing to them.
Our agencies talk.
They talk.
So seeing the kind of light, his eyes lit up only a few times.
But during the interview, when he said, yeah, they were always our enemies, but a job's a job, you could tell.
And I felt, dare I say, oh no, they're coming for me now.
Dare I say, I felt a little sorry for him because he's locked away in that palace.
He's locked away in the palace.
And he's basically got in his mind the history of the Russian state on his shoulders.
You know?
And it's not that much fun, probably.
He's not having that much fun.
And then for that second, he remembered, you know, back when it was fun, me and the guys, people are trying to kill us.
We're trying to kill them.
We're trying to turn assets.
They're trying to turn us.
It's a deadly game, but it's their game.
You know, it's their game.
And he goes, yeah, job's a job.
He respects that.
There was something interesting to me about that.
I'm familiar with his rationale for the Ukraine war.
I didn't need to know that.
I'm familiar with that.
I'm familiar with most of it.
His history lesson in the beginning, obviously, came as a little bit of a surprise.
I don't know all of that.
But I kind of know exactly why he's his worldview.
I'm aware of it.
But the human moments that dripped out where he goes, yeah, it was a fun.
We had fun.
You know, a job's a job.
They were always our enemy.
We were always going against them.
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So many people are having accidents right now, car accidents, and they're getting screwed over because they don't have adequate legal representation.
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You say, hey, I deserve to be compensated because of this.
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Now, here it is, and I want you to watch Vladimir Putin's eyes here because they come alive like a kid on Christmas morning.
Putin Eyes Alive00:03:29
Position committed a coup in Kiev.
What is that supposed to mean?
Who do you think you are?
I wanted to ask the then U.S. leadership.
With the backing of whom?
With the backing of CIA, of course.
The organization you wanted to join back in the day, as I understand.
We should thank God they didn't let you in.
Although, it is a serious organization.
I understand.
My former vis-à-vis in the sense that I served in the first main directorate, Soviet Union's intelligence service.
They have always been our opponents.
A job is a job.
Yeah!
Loves it!
He goes, but that is a serious organization.
Like what you're doing, interviewing me, this ain't it.
We don't respect none of this.
Let's hear it for everyone in the shadows, folks.
The FSB, the CIA, the Stasi, everyone, all of the people in the shadows murdering, torturing, killing.
I know it's a controversial thing to say.
Everybody, the idea of Hamas, everyone in the shadows in the tunnels in the dark.
I get my, you know, I get people see me, they go, I'm a fan, and that feels so nice.
And these guys never hear, they never hear, they never hear that.
They never hear that.
These intelligence agencies, they never hear that anyone's a fan of them.
They have to kill, maim, torture, in the shadows forever.
It's not easy.
They have this little, you know, group of people.
They have this little fraternity of people that respect each other.
A job is a job, Vladimir Putin says.
It's a little fraternity of people.
Let's hear it for all of them.
Let's hear it for, I don't care if they killed you or your family.
Listen, let's just hear a job is a job.
That is what we have to remember.
And that's what you have to tell Michelle Obama.
Maybe Tempest Bledsoe comes out.
I don't know.
But it's a spectacle.
There's drums, steel drums.
Is it an island feel?
Is it a Jamaican shit?
I don't know.
It's got to be cool again.
I want to see white people from the Great Lakes region swaying awkwardly to the music.
Sway awkwardly to the music.
And everybody's clapping.
And Michelle Obama goes, you got a fast car.
And together we can get in that car.
And everybody's clapping.
And Tracy Chapman, and she's got the guitar out.
I'm telling you, that's what it is because the Democrats need to do their job.
A job is a job.
Vladimir Putin just said it.
He just fucking said it.
I don't know if he even knew how profound that was at the end, but a job is a job.
And the Democrats have to do their job.
They're not doing their job.
They're running a guy that's old and decrepit and he's not fun and it's not a party.
And you're running him against a guy that maybe throws the best party in politics.
It's not going to work.
If you, if they're going to throw a party in the back of the house in Arizona that looks like a macaroni grill with a turquoise pool and a bunch of fentanyl vapes, you better throw a fucking rager outside of Boston in a big old Victorian in Hingham, Massachusetts, with a bunch of polyamorous Lesbos fingering each other in the middle of a circle.
And Tracy Chapman has to be playing fast fucking car or you're going to lose.