Tim talks about the Israel-Hamas war, being on 'Instagram timeout', call centers and why Americans will skirt the draft.American Royalty Tour - Final Leg🎟 https://www.timdilloncomedy.com/Pre-Order ‘Death By Boomers’ By Tim Dillon👉 https://rb.gy/gafn4SPONSORS:DraftKingsGet DraftKings App & Use Code 'TIMDILLON'Magic MindMagicMind.ComMorgan & Morgan:For more information go to forthepeople.com/timHelix SleepGo to HelixSleep.com/TimD for 20% off all mattress orders AND two free pillows▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬Subscribe to the channel:https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC4wo...Instagram:https://www.instagram.com/timjdillon/Twitter:https://www.twitter.com/TimJDillonListen on Spotify!https://open.spotify.com/show/2gRd1wo...#TheTimDillonShowMerch: https://store.timdilloncomedy.com/For every $400,000 we gross in revenue, we are donating five dollars to end homelessness in Los Angeles. We are challenging other creators to do the same.#TimGivesBack
Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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Audio Break and Shamag00:03:33
Ladies and gentlemen, Tim Dylan is on tour.
It's the final leg of the American Royalty Tour.
Rochester, New York, New York, New York, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, Houston, Texas, San Diego, California, Detroit, Michigan, Toronto, Ontario, Austin, Texas, Brea, California, Columbus, Ohio, Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, Washington, D.C., Northfield, Ohio, San Antonio, Texas, Dallas, Texas, Atlanta, Georgia, St. Louis, Missouri, Indianapolis, Indiana, Boston, Massachusetts, and then Foxwoods in Connecticut.
Go to TimDylonComedy.com, promo code fakebiz F-A-K-E-B-I-Z.
What?
Tickets are on sale now.
Tickets are on sale now.
And then after this, I'm taking a nice long break.
So get the tickets, enjoy the show, and then you'll never see me for a while.
Then I'll be back 90 days later screaming about that.
I'm kidding.
I'm taking a little bit of a break.
These are the final markets that we haven't done the hour in.
You're going to love them.
You're going to love the show.
It's a great show.
We don't, if you're for Israel, for Palestine, no matter what you're for, you come on out, kill each other at the show.
You have a big fight at the show.
You bring everybody fight at the show.
I'll sit on stage and have a sandwich.
Good night.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dylan show.
I am here.
Happy Halloween.
We are progressing.
We are moving forward.
I have on my head something called, I believe, a shamag.
And a Yamaka.
I'm representing both and the free press, which is Barry Weiss's, even though she won't come on the show because I am in Hamas.
That is the one reason she will not come on.
We have the free press hat that we are displaying prominently on the desk.
And you know, I mean, I just got out of the comedy store.
What an amazing audience, and what a great show.
And I'll let my mouth come out a little bit here because I feel like that helps with the audio, even though I do like it up like this, right?
It sounds the same, right?
It sounds a little muffled.
What do you like about it like this?
Well, because I like, I actually see the point now of you know, really getting into somebody's eyes.
And the whole idea is that you can't really understand a person until you've looked into their eyes.
But no, I do, I do probably to do the show is a little muffled.
We can do this.
And we have our Yarmouka here for the Jews.
And we have the Princess Diana Bear as well.
You know, I'll probably have to take this off too.
My face is very blotchy, so I put a lot of some type of weird thing on it that made it worse.
And now I look corpse-like.
And because I look very pale, so I washed it off.
And then instead of just whatever, recording at another time, I had my producer said, just fix me an Islamic headdress, which he was able to do very quickly.
We're here in Beverly Hills.
Princess Diana Bear Makeup00:14:40
was not a problem.
Able to do it immediately.
But I do think, unfortunately, we will have to kind of, you know, take it off and then it's hard.
Hard to, God.
It's tied in the back.
It is tough.
It is.
It is difficult.
It is difficult.
It is difficult to do these things and to keep them going.
But we do.
We do.
We have them all here for everyone.
We are.
Everybody is, you know, a lot of people have been very negative about this war.
And I've been one of them.
And I've realized that that's kind of self-defeating to be negative about this conflict.
I think actually we must actually, unironically here, look at some of the benefits of this.
And there are some.
They're not obvious.
There's obvious benefits to having an ice cream sandwich or bringing a sick friend some chicken soup.
These are obvious benefits, but when it comes to a war of civilizations or whatever is happening, you know, but, you know, everybody's like, oh, we're on the brink of World War III.
I've said it a bunch.
We are, but here's the deal.
We need this a little bit.
We need, we're coming out of a pandemic.
We're out of it now.
But we have a lot of economic uncertainty.
We need a little bit of, hey, we need a little bit of turbulence.
We do.
We don't function really well without it.
Since 9-11, we've had it.
Whether we've manufactured it or it's happened naturally, we need a little bit of turbulence.
Turbulence makes the flight go by a little faster.
It does because you're a little scared and you're kind of like, and you're not thinking, you're just not watching the clock.
You're not watching that, you know, the thing that they give you, the flight map, where you watch the flight make a very slow progress to where your final destination is.
When you start getting rocked around in the sky, you don't look at the flight map and then you're like, oh, we made some time.
We need a little bit of turbulence.
This is actually, I know a lot of people are negative.
A lot of people are upset.
A lot of people are rightfully concerned about their own safety, the safety of others, the safety of their family.
Can we zoom out?
Can we zoom the fuck out for a minute?
Look at this in the macro.
We need it.
We need it.
We need destroyers in the sea.
We need planes buzzing each other.
We need to build some weapons.
It's what we do.
This is what we do.
It's who we are.
And I think it's time that we embrace it and stop pretending that it isn't good.
It has its drawbacks.
Substantial loss of life is one of them.
I could be one of the, we don't know who gets it.
We don't know who's going to get it.
We never knew.
But in the macro, this is what our country does.
This is what we've built an arsenal of weaponry to do.
This is why we have all these bases.
This is why we have this labyrinth of intelligence agencies.
This is why we have all this stuff.
Now, you may not like it, and I might agree with you.
You might make a lot of good points, but no one cares about your points, and no one cares about mine.
We are all passengers on a voyage.
We are passengers on the vote.
We are in coach.
Some of us are in first class.
None of us are in the cockpit.
None of us are landing this plane.
None of us got it off the ground.
We don't know where it's going.
This is not, and you could go on Instagram.
You can go on, I can't right now because of the Pizza Hut video, which they were not thrilled with.
I'm having a little time out.
And I realize the era of my way.
I'm sorry, and I realize that.
To yum brands, to the people at yum brands, I am sorry that I implied in a video that Pizza Hut supported Hamas.
I apologize to the good people at yum brands, the people that poison our citizens and our children.
The people at yum brands whose job is to see how much plastic they can legally put in ranch dressing and how much saturated fat and trans fat and sugar and all these things they can cram into every morsel of food that they serve to children at mall food courts and community college food courts,
killing the people that they serve, the good people at yum brands.
I apologize for implying, even satirically, which it clearly was, that Pizza Hut was in any way in league with Hamas, even though Pizza Hut and Hamas are kind of similar in many ways.
Certainly Pizza Hut and the Palestinians have some similarities.
Pizza Hut's not running the show.
We can admit that.
Pizza Hut's not really happy with the way things have gone the past 10, 15 years.
Let's admit that.
So I thought it was quite clear that if anyone was going to come out and endorse Hamas, it would be Pizza Hut, who has, it's been nothing.
They've done nothing but lose ground to other better funded, you know, expansionist operations like Papa John's and Domino's.
And so I'm in a little timeout over there.
I got to give credit to where credit is due.
I do respect Amy Schumer for going out and speaking her piece.
You may not like it.
You may not agree, but she is going out there and she is not backing down and people are giving her a lot of shit for what she's saying.
I don't know what she's saying now because I'm not on Instagram because of yum brands in their infinite wisdom who have hit up the great people at Meta and of course are going at me.
But I respect people that go balls to the wall and say, this is the way I feel and I don't care if you don't like it.
And I got to say, I mean, I'm probably not her favorite person.
I don't know.
We've never had any conflicts that are that, you know, huge.
I mean, I've disagreed with things.
But I would say that I do, you got to respect when someone is in the public eye and is going hard for the things that they feel are right and true.
And what I'm saying about this war and what I'm saying is that everybody better enjoy it.
It's not going anywhere.
You better get to like it.
You better like it's you better figure out what about it you like.
It's like your stepmother.
No one wants a step.
No one wants a step parent.
I've said this before.
It's a horrible thing for children to go through to have a stranger come into your home and simulate a role.
No one loves a step parent.
It's never happened.
Never one time.
And I don't mean that you won't begrudgingly tolerate someone or that you and that person can't have a friendship like you would have with a local librarian that you know.
What I'm saying is deep love is hard with a step parent.
But your father or mother loves that person and you better figure it out.
And this country likes war.
We like it.
And we're gonna and we're gonna maybe get in with you because that's kind of what we do.
And there's gotta be a part of you that just resigns yourself to it.
You don't have to be on war footing per se.
No one's asking you to do that.
That's the good thing about America.
We don't ask you to do it.
Israel's asking their people to do it.
All we ask you to do in this country is eat.
There's something nice about that.
We're on the brink.
We've been in wars forever.
No one has even asked me or any of my friends to do a sit-up or run around the track or learn how to fire a gun or, you know, no one.
We are asked very little where all we're asked to do is sit around and consume, buy crap, throw shit on a charge card, you know, move in with your brother and Charlotte and try to get a job.
We can do whatever we, we don't have to make any sacrifices.
There's enough people to do that.
They don't ask us to do that.
We're not asked to do that.
Nobody did not.
Hello?
Yeah.
It's time to fight.
What?
Time to fight today.
What do you mean?
The Ukraine.
What?
No one's allowed to be gay.
What do you mean?
You can't be trans in Russia and they're going to make you not be trans in the Ukraine.
Yo, I was sleeping.
You're going to be in a fucking war now.
No one's saying that.
No one knocks on your door and goes, hi, do you understand that they don't have a real housewives franchise in Qatar?
No.
Well, you better fucking get your head blown off so that one day they do.
That's because that's a lot of the rationale we have now.
I'm not saying it's sad for gay people at Qatar.
Although I did read an article that there were some gay people at Qatar that were having a good time.
I don't know what's happening.
I'm sure they're not.
But the small groups of people that are very shh about it seem to be okay.
My point is that nobody asks you to sacrifice anything in this country for our lust for blood.
We have a lust for blood and yet nobody really asks you.
So you should really maybe not be that mad about it.
Now I know I just spoke to a guy at the comedy store.
His aunt was killed in a drone strike in Gaza, which is sad.
And by the way, if anyone wants to paraglide to my aunt's house, I have her fucking address.
But the point is, how come everyone else gets their aunt killed?
The point is this.
That is sad, but he didn't know her that well.
The point is this.
I'm saying for a country that goes to war as much as we do, that is always involved in something or other.
We were in Afghanistan for like my entire life, for my whole life.
No one even knew.
No one even knew.
They actually stopped reporting it on the news.
Nobody even asked.
So my thing is this.
You're not asked to do anything.
In Israel, they call up their reserves.
They actually have to fight.
There was this really sad story about a kid in Maryland.
We're not going to get it up.
Put it in post.
It is what it is.
Just trust me.
I'm not lying to you folks.
I'm not making things up here.
I don't have to, every minute I don't have to go to the article and do that the thing in the book.
It was a kid.
He's like 22 or whatever.
He splits his time in Israel and America.
The way I do it in New York and LA and Texas.
I travel around the world.
And that is the world, by the way.
New York, LA, and Austin.
After this thing happened, he goes to Israel and he's killed immediately by a Hezbollah rocket.
And it's tragic.
And he's a hero because he believed in this thing and he was a fucking soldier.
And I respect the hell out of somebody like that.
And in Israel, you have to, that's your thing.
Everybody does, I believe, a mandatory two years of military service in Israel.
And then I believe you kind of go into the reserves.
They fight.
They are asked to make a sacrifice.
In America, not really, right?
There's no draft.
No draft yet.
There's never going to be a draft.
There'll never be a draft in this.
There'll never be a draft in this country.
There'll never be a draft in this country.
There'll never be a draft because, I mean, unless we are completely besieged, but then we have weapons.
We have, we, we've invested what we've done, which was intelligent, actually.
We looked at our population and said, we better have good weapons.
We better have great weapons because our population, with all due respect, are morbidly obese fentanyl addicts who commit sex crimes.
You know, that's many of them.
Not all, but a good amount of our population are morbidly obese fentanyl addicts committing sex crimes.
Those people are a liability.
No Draft in America00:15:38
Now, why did, how did they get there?
I don't know.
We poison them all by, you know, serving them paint chips and yum brands and all their fucking food they shove down your throat and, you know, all of this crap.
And everything.
And we've lied to them and we've poisoned the well with the media and everything else.
And we've confused people to the point where many of them are walking around in a fugue state, kind of.
They are an extreme liability to have on the front lines of any war.
The average American on the front lines of any war, they'll kill each other.
They'll kill each other.
They will not be an asset to the operation.
It is much better with drones and it is much better with technology.
You're looking at me, but you're agreeing with me.
You must agree with me here.
The front lines of a war with an average American right now would be a disaster.
The military does not want the people.
They don't want them.
They've been asked.
The government has asked the military, would you like a draft?
Do you want the citizenry?
They don't.
The citizenry in America is too used to killing each other.
It's not cohesive.
Russia, they're emptying the prisons so they can fight in the Ukraine.
Russia has almost no prisoners left because they keep opening the prisons and letting all the prisoners just go fight in the Ukraine.
And maybe we would do something like that.
I don't know, but I cannot see a draft happening in America.
It just doesn't seem like it would be good for the like, you know, cohesion.
I mean, could you imagine?
Like, maybe some people would rise to the occasion, but a lot of people, people would have their phones out.
They'd be taking foot.
Like, you can't just take this population and turn them into honorable soldiers now.
You can't.
You take the tournament honorable soldiers now?
No.
You can't.
Teachers are like dating their students.
I mean, what are we doing here?
We're going to turn every...
I just drove down the street.
There's influencers with their tits out.
There's car crashes because people are swerving around these idiots.
You can't turn them into loyal, honorable soldiers at the moment.
It's not going to happen.
That's why if you go out into the California desert, we have underground facilities with the machinery of death.
We have invested in the machinery of death so that that will do the job for us.
That's the same shit that's good.
It's the same reason we have the robot cops coming into all the cities because we've realized technology is going to be the thing.
Not people.
Not people.
It's not my fat brethren, my drug-addicted, I mean, how much medication is every American on?
That they'd be expected within the military, they'd have seven pills they need every day to just not kill the person next to them.
They need three or four pills to get out of the tent to just go on about their day.
There is no draft.
Can you imagine that?
Mr. Sergeant, has anyone seen my Prozac?
It was next to the Zanax.
It's next to the Syraquil.
There'd be massive pharmaceutical operations to just get the people out of the tent every morning, get the gun in their hand.
They'd have no, here's one thing.
We would have no problem killing children.
There is benefits to a draft.
We would have no qualms killing children.
If we had to, I mean, we would vanquish.
It would be no problem to kill them in our country.
We would have no conscience.
There'd be no moral qualms about anything we had to do.
It would be the simple fact of like, could we do it in the allotted amount of time?
Would we listen?
Would we be organized?
That's the worry.
That would be the worry.
Like, how does this actually happen?
What is the functionality of drug addicts who eat yum brands food all day?
How do they?
So we're not going to do that.
America is not keen on us in the war zone, in the battleground.
We don't even try.
We've never even tried.
Like, we are basically like, keep the people away.
Let the people do what they're designed to do.
Go to the mall.
Go to the food place.
Get the food.
Get your prescription.
Go home.
Go do the phone scam.
Go do telemarketing scam the old people.
Call the old people, tell them their roof is get their credit card number.
You know what I mean.
Like that's what people really in this country are meant to do.
Go to the call center.
Go to the call center, get here's a list of people.
Call the people, get their credit card numbers or social security numbers.
Rob them.
This is what people are designed to do.
Not be an honorable soldier at a war.
No, it's.
Go to the call center.
Here's where you have lunch.
You have lunch at Ranch ONE.
You get a chicken and cheese sandwich pretty good.
Ranch ONE.
Chicken and cheese is good because they have the.
They have the long flat pickle that Vlasic used to do, the long flat pickle, the sandwich stacker.
Ranch ONE has a really good chicken sandwich and then you just call old people.
That's the majority of the American economy is calling old people and terrifying them, screaming at them, telling them they're they're, everything's there, you're gonna lose everything, but you have to give me or you have to pay for this stuff.
Um, I remember after hurricane Sandy.
Um, there was a group, there was a call center in Long Island where I knew a comic who was working at it, where their job was to call old people and tell them that the government FEMA had given them too much money and they had overimproved their houses and FEMA wanted some of it back.
This is true, and and the people in Long Island lined up to do it because they're amoral.
They have no morality.
So they would call now if there was.
This is kind of a war.
We have the best soldiers in the world at that war, the war of just calling an old person and go, hi um, how are you?
Is this mrs Donnelly?
Yes now, do you remember when you got uh, I believe it was 92 000 from FEMA to make improvements to your house?
Well yes, I do.
It was very hard, but we did it.
Yeah, FEMA actually looked at their records.
You only should have gotten about 60 000.
You owe us 30 000.
Literally, they were doing that to people and she goes, what, what are you talking about?
You'll lose your house if you don't come up with opinion plan.
But this is how sick people that, those people that are willing to do that, they're willing to call elderly people and demand money back.
You cannot put them in a war zone, do you understand?
You can't put them in a situation where they have.
We have not trained Americans to do that.
We've trained Americans in a war zone.
You have to, just not you.
You have to go like you know.
You have to listen to the general and you can't ask questions.
You got to listen to your superiors.
Americans are not built like that.
They're built to to, not they.
They will listen to people and they will carry out orders with it only if they can identify their self-interest in it immediately.
Only if, if Americans are to, because and I got the Great Red Come we've said it many, many times and i'm gonna say it again, it's why we cannot have a draft.
We are a nation of fat cowards and there is nothing where it's okay to be cowards or and or.
It's okay to be fat, but there's nothing worse.
Do you?
Do you know how demoralizing it is to watch fat people run away from a battle?
Do you know how demoralizing it would be on the world stage to watch fat people abandon and go awall and run away from a battle, which they would do in mass, if Americans cannot identify their self.
If you want Americans to be in a war, you got to make it a business where they can get money, and real money.
You have to like, make it an entrepreneurial activity.
It's not going to work if Americans cannot identify the thing that Israel has done brilliantly is, everything's like it's Israel, it's it's us.
They have a little Ethno state over there, meaning that I know that they're like, well, there's some Arabs living there peacefully too.
Yeah, it's primarily about the Jews.
I, and there's nothing wrong with that, but that's what it's about.
So everybody there is like it's for Israel.
Like my friends that are Israeli and they're Jewish, it is Israel.
They go on birthright.
When they're young, they hook up with a chick, they have fun, they go, they love, they have a great relationship um to Israel because it is.
They consider it like part of their home and they will fight for it and they will die for it.
I like New Jersey.
You know what I mean.
But you know, let's just America.
We we've not been trained with that mentality like we're all in it to get, we're not in it together in America.
We have not been.
That hasn't been.
Uh, we're not really like.
You know, Israelis truly believe that Israel is their home and they're willing to die for their home.
There's something very beautiful about that.
Very it's very old school.
There's a lot of honor there.
Americans believe we're here, but we're here and we're all kind of also competing with each other and we also need to defeat other people to have the good American experience.
Like we need to kind of get over on these people and we need to see these people as a problem, and what tends to happen is we just don't have the same experience as like, Jewish people in the state of Israel, right like, who are really ready to fight and die for it.
That's why people will sacrifice everything and make the great sacrifice for Israel.
But in America that's just not.
I'm just imagining like a draft and like some like Chris DeStefano calling me and he's like, what's up bro, I don't like this.
I'm like yeah, I don't, I don't like it either.
What do we what?
He's like bro, like I love America, but what's the deal with this bullshit?
And I go, yeah, me too, I got, I'm trying to buy like Trevor Noah's car, I wait, where do we got to go?
Die like it just isn't we.
Here's the deal, countries make deals with people.
The deal Israel made with its citizens was like, we've got this beautiful paradise that you're all a part of and you're just, you're born Jewish, you're in it, but you got to sacrifice for it.
Okay, America's deal with people is just kind of just like, hey, you're here, shut up a little bit.
Shut up a little bit, don't don't.
Don't ask too many questions about why the news doesn't really make sense.
Don't ask why this is what it is.
Just kind of go with it.
Let us do what we do.
We play the songs, we do the stuff.
We'll do the football games.
We do the flyover.
You show up, it's all good.
We're not gonna really ask you to go out and lay your life down for it.
We're gonna let people kill you.
In our country that's gonna happen.
Everyone has the right to kind of be whoever they want.
Here you can have a gun.
You can kind of do whatever.
You could go insane.
We're gonna experiment on some of you.
Some of you are gonna, you know, wash out of controversial, weird programs are gonna put you right back.
We'll put you right back in general population.
We're gonna try to brainwash some of you and experiments and after that we're gonna throw.
We just keep it fun here.
It's gonna be fun.
You know.
We're gonna watch some of the, some of the people that wash out of these controversial government pro.
We just throw them right back into the mall see how it works and they can have guns and we'll see what happens.
We're gonna let people call you and rob you over the fun.
If you're not slick, there's gonna be guys, telemarketing, trying to convince you that you need to pay for X, Y and Z.
It's, it's a total like that's what we do here.
You got to survive in America.
The war is here, the war is home for you and we're gonna open the borders up and we're gonna let everybody come in, because rich people want maids and nannies and landscapers and like some other people might come in.
They might not be great, but and if you live in a bad neighborhood it might make things worse.
We don't know.
We don't really know.
We're gonna bring drugs in because we got a narco state on our border.
We don't know how that happened, but Mexico's a narco state.
We can't do anything about it.
It's just weird.
And there's all these illicit streams of money that come out of there that we're gonna use to fund wars in other countries and that's gonna poison those countries against us.
And then we're gonna take in some of those people and they're gonna go to college here with you and they might lock you in the library.
It's just well, we're not gonna ask you to go fight in a war, because the fact that we've done all of these things has kind of made everyone schizophrenic.
Schizophrenic and not know what the hell's happening.
We don't know what this place is anymore and or what we are fighting for.
So it's very hard to ask people to make the ultimate sacrifice for this country because we've kind of poisoned the well a little bit by treating them all as lab rats, like people we kind of experiment on.
We go, we're just going to try a bunch of shit out.
The American government does.
We're just going to try a bunch of shit out, see what happens.
Someone will make money.
Don't worry.
Someone will get rich.
All of the things that are hot, we don't, someone will get rich.
Someone will get rich.
Might be you.
But that's why it's very difficult to ask people to make a sacrifice.
So I know people are getting angry about all of this death and chaos and carnage, but just believe you, me, I don't believe that they're going to ask us to make any type of great sacrifice.
It's just not what we do.
It's not what we are about.
Our job is to survive the war at home.
The war that they keep bringing to us, the battleground is here.
Sacrifice and Sportsbooks00:04:10
It's in the inner cities.
You can see people walking all over the place.
They're on fentanyl.
They're on drugs.
The governor of California is meeting with the president of China.
The president of America is talking about the Ukraine.
He's got a speech about the Ukraine.
But on Kensington Street in Philadelphia, veterans who fought in our wars are dying on fentanyl in front of everybody.
So really, what you see is this is just a situation.
We've got a bunch of lab rats and we're seeing what happens.
Let's see if they grow their fur back.
We don't know, but they're not coming to us and they're not.
We don't have to go die somewhere else.
We've got good machines to do that.
We've already got a military of people that some of them are very brave and incredibly honorable.
Some of them just want to kill.
It doesn't really matter.
Either or, it's all good.
It all works.
We've already got one.
We got enough people.
And as things get worse, we'll probably get more people.
Now it's hard.
Many of them are getting too fat.
They're not happy that a lot of the military is fat now, or that it's harder and harder to get people in the military because they're, you know, we have Google, so people kind of know what's going on.
And or the fact that they're trying to do military recruitment videos with Dylan Mulvaney, who's trying to explain to you how important it is for you to go fight so that people in the Ukraine can enjoy Bud Light.
I don't know.
Whatever it is, it's harder and harder to get people into the military, but they'll get enough people in there.
You don't have to worry.
They're not coming to you.
Your job is to die at home.
It's America.
Your job's to die here at home in front of your family.
That's your job.
The economic engine of America.
We didn't win World War II.
Russian blood won it.
Our industrial power run it because that's what we're good at.
We're good at making money.
That's our thing.
So we don't need anybody.
We need everybody here home at the call center.
You got to go to the call center now.
Go to the call set.
That's what it is.
That's why Bush after 9-11 said, hey, everybody, it's time to go shopping.
Get out there.
Get a fucking panini press.
Don't worry about it.
We're going to figure it out.
We got enough people to go there and kill.
We need money.
We need gobs and gobs of money, bags and bags of duck tails gold so that we can keep making these big machines that will deliver death to people and that you guys can stay home.
You need to go to the call center now.
We need to go to the call center.
That's what you need to do.
That's the American economy.
And of course, I'm oversimplifying it.
There's many types of call centers, but you know what I mean.
That's the American economy.
You have to do it.
Your job is to die at home.
That's your job.
Your job is to participate in this thing that we do, this American experiment, which has gone completely off the rails.
But they don't want you honorably fighting a war somewhere.
I mean, that's just not in the cards here.
That's not what this place is designed for.
It's just not what it's designed for.
It's not.
They want you to call the CIA on your neighbor who didn't vaccinate their kids so that they can take them away in the middle of the night.
That is what this is.
You should be a rat.
You should rat on people.
Call people.
Make sure that you're willing to dime on your neighbors.
Everybody's a threat here.
Report them to the government.
No cohesion.
We don't want that.
No, I'm an honorable soldier.
Call the feds.
Call them on your neighbor.
They're using charcoal that's not regulated.
I kill everybody.
We don't want a brotherhood of honorable soldiers.
This is not a band of brothers.
This is called the CIA on your neighbor because they're probably doing something wrong.
It's just a different thing.
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Futility of Political Opinions00:11:21
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We ship internationally in over 50 countries, including Gaza.
They're going to edit that out.
I love it.
I like it.
It's great.
It tastes good.
This will get you through the day.
It's great energy.
It's true.
I love it.
I have so much energy.
I do stand-up.
I do this.
I ran 16 miles today through the Gaza Strip on this.
And, you know, Israel, people, people, there's more, people seem to be really into it.
We don't have a birthright.
We should.
Where should Americans, you know, where should Americans, you know, in eighth grade, we go to the White House.
You go to Washington, D.C.
I didn't go.
I didn't go on the Washington trip because I was like not good in school.
But I went to the seventh grade trip.
You went to Boston.
This is our version of birthright.
Let me tell you about the Boston trip.
You go on a duck tour.
It's a duck.
And the duck is amphibious, meaning it can go in the water and it can also ride on the street.
They show you a couple of buildings.
They tell you about the constitutional, whatever.
It's just, you know, here's the constitutional convention.
Da 1776.
A lot of that history is in Philly, but whatever.
Who cares?
We're in Boston.
You're on a duck.
You go to the holiday inn.
There's a dance.
You eat.
This is a birthright.
There is no, you know, like we don't have that thing.
We don't have that thing that is a, it would be nice if we did.
Maybe one day we'll get it back, but the government is not really engineering that.
We don't really want you to make sacrifices to like for foreign wars.
The sacrifices you'll make are domestic.
Someone shot your kid.
Sorry.
Someone poised, you know, we drink half of your family's insane.
Half of them have cancer because they live next to a factory that we allowed to dump shit in the thing.
That's what it is.
Sorry.
Sorry.
But so don't be too upset.
I know people are getting all upset about World War III, but I'll tell you right now, you will, until you're emolliated in your house by a Chinese nuke, you will never be asked to do anything.
You will, World War III will be the most entertaining thing before you are emolliated in your house by a Chinese nuke.
You will not have to do anything.
You will be looking at your treadmill on your couch when you're vaporized.
No one will come to you and ask you to do anything except maybe you go to the call center.
We're still open.
They'll call you and they'll tell you.
They go, yeah, but there's like a nuke warning today.
We're still open.
And you know what?
How beautiful it would be for you to get nuked while you were calling an elderly person with dementia trying to get their credit card information.
As you were calling an elderly person with dementia trying to get their credit card information, it just the nuke sails and it's just over.
And you just see the beautiful glow outside the window of the call center.
No one will ask you to suit up and fucking get your fat ass in a top gun plane you can't fit in and fly over to China.
No one's going to ask you to do that.
So don't be upset.
They'll either figure it out or they won't.
We're very good at coming close to death in this country and not fully going over it.
We're very good at not fully going full hell mode, you know, but we'll see.
I don't know.
Israel may be reining in a little bit.
Hamas released the hostages.
Maybe some progress there.
We don't know.
But be rest assured, America's not going to really ask too much of its citizens.
It knows better.
It knows better.
The war is at home.
The war in America will always be at home.
And it's a war that you're lucky to be part.
It's lucky.
You're lucky because it's not the war that the people in Gaza are going through when they're being killed all the time.
This war is like between college kids are fighting.
People are angry.
People are chanting in the street.
But there's not that much of a, it's not like you're surrounded by mass death from politics.
You're surrounded by death from other things, but not from politics yet.
So this is just the war at home.
The war at home won't be like, what do I post?
Well, I just don't know.
I don't know what to post.
My silence has been noticed by some of the people on the board.
God damn it.
That's the war at home.
It's a very first world, somewhat, you know, kind of emotional, strategic war being fought by upper middle class professionals that are trying to dance around each other, that are participating knowingly in this kabuki theater of making each other feel good, but you're not without water.
You're not without electricity.
You're not like the people in Israel without their children, right?
For the most part, this just is an exercise in the futility of opinions.
That's what it is.
It's an exercise in the futility of opinions.
Everybody's got to have one immediately, even though they're pretty worthless.
And they certainly don't move the needle on either side.
But you got to have one.
And you sit there and you talk to your husband.
Frank, Frank, what do you think about this?
Well, the Middle East.
Well, Frank, now listen, I got to post something on Facebook about the Jews.
What, Frank, what do I say?
Well, you know, the woman who works next to me in the data collection agency is Jewish.
And she's going through everyone's social media.
And if she doesn't see something she likes, she's saying we're Nazis.
And I'm not a Nazi, Frank.
So what do I say?
Or it's people that are like, you know, trying to figure out the real cool, you know, detached thing to say, some brilliant treatise on human nature and deep.
Oh, it's deep.
It's deep.
It's deeper than that.
You don't even take your cock out.
It's your pussy one.
Because it's not even about what you think it's about.
It's so many layers deeper than that.
It's deeper than those Hamas tunnels, baby.
It's so deep.
It's so deep.
It feels so good.
It hurts.
But it's the only way to get to pleasure is pain.
It hurts.
You want to be tied up and vulnerable, don't you?
You want to be tied.
I mean, it's weird and it's like, you know, but what it is is the futility of it.
It's meaningless.
People have no idea what they're talking about.
They never do.
It's something that we all have to do.
We all have to do it.
I get paid to do it.
And hopefully some of the things I say are at the very least entertaining.
But it's the futility of opinion.
It's people being like, well, and then the letters.
Oh, the letters.
Signing the letters.
Kate Blanchette and Alec Baldwin.
I want to sign a letter.
It's me, O.J. Simpson, Caitlin Janner.
Can I sign a letter?
I'm going to write a letter.
As soon as they let me back on Instagram, I'm writing a letter and it's going to be all the celebrities that nobody wants.
Kevin Spacey, OJ Simpson, Tim Dylan, Tanya Harding.
And we're going to write a letter demanding things that have nothing to do with this.
But it's all the letters.
Everybody's writing letters.
And here's the letter.
We're signing the letter.
Dare you.
It's signing a letter.
What is the language of this letter going to be?
Well, I don't know.
What are we suggesting?
What are we insisting?
What are we going to do?
Who are we going to disenfranchise?
Let's fight.
Let's fight about the language of the letter.
The language of the meaningless letter that we write and send to President Biden, who doesn't know what letters are.
He doesn't know what they are.
He's completely left the planet.
But someone's going to go, there's a letter here.
There's a letter and you need to read it.
Why?
Because Aqua Fina signed it.
Who would, how, who, what, where, how?
The celebrities are writing letters and going back and forth.
We demand this and we demand that.
Fee, fi, fo, fum.
I smell the blood of an Englishman.
Write the letter.
Which letter have you signed?
Silly, silly, silly society, silly culture.
It's what it is.
We're going to ask them.
We're going to ask all the letter writers to suit up.
Is that what we're going to do, folks?
Everybody's writing the letters.
We're going to put them in the paragliders.
Is that what we're going to do?
I saw a guy paragliding in Malibu the other day, by the way.
And it's like, is this really the time?
You know, you know, he looked at his paraglider on Sunday and went, God, I know it's rough, but I have to do it.
It's who I am.
I got to do some fucking weird sport to show off my fucking hot, you know, fucking bot.
I feel like paragliders aren't even hot.
They're just like wiry guys.
They got bored jogging and they're like, I just want to paraglide.
And I know it doesn't look great now, but I have to do it.
But is that what we're going to do?
We're going to take all these letter writers and put them on destroyers in the South Pacific.
Is that what people think?
It's not going to happen.
That's what we're willing to do.
We're willing to sign a letter.
You've now seen this is exactly how far we're willing to go.
We're willing to sign a letter or we're willing to call the university and go, I'm taking my money out of it.
Morgan Morgan Legal Help00:04:07
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How much tuition do these schools charge?
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Why do they have these endowments of billions of dollars?
What is that?
Why?
What kind of slush fund do these institutions have?
And why?
Take the money away.
So many of my friends have been taken advantage of and they just don't know how to really use a good law firm.
I had a friend who injured herself with a shopping cart.
And because it was not, you know, the wheel, it was all stuck.
And this is what happens to people.
Like the good people of America go out to buy food at the grocery store.
And, you know, you got to make sure that the cart isn't, you know, because I actually had a friend named Scott who injured himself with a shopping cart at Home Depot parking lot.
And I swear to God, he won $50,000 because of this.
This is true.
He worked at Home Depot for like two days and he then injured himself with a shopping cart.
He used to be a comedian.
He's from Long Island.
It doesn't matter.
Here's what I'm trying to say.
You need good advocates.
That's that.
You need people that are going to advocate for you on behalf of you, no matter what happened.
If you injure yourself with a shopping cart, you should be represented and you should get full and fair compensation from the company.
And no matter what the injury is, if you sustain it, you need to be compensated for it.
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But that's what we're willing to.
This is not a country of people that are just going to suit up.
It's not what we do.
There are some heroes here and God bless you.
But for the most part, let's be honest.
This is where we know what we're willing to do.
We're willing to sign a letter.
We'll strike if you threaten us with AI.
Like, if actors think their likeness is going to be taken and reused, we'll go on a strike and we'll sit around and we'll demand, we'll pick it and we'll sign letters, you know, and we'll be like don't, we shouldn't do it.
But that's kind of where it ends here.
You know, we're that's what we have been trained to do and we'll do it.
It's what.
It's what we do as Americans.
We're we're willing to go so far.
This is what we're willing to do.
We're willing to sign the.
And you know people that signed that letter thought it was a big deal, you know, and when they got asked to sign that letter, oh my god, I was even like, kind of like, when I saw the letter.
I'm like i'm not even in the group that's asked, which kind of pissed me off.
You know what I mean.
I'm like I have one of the biggest shows in the world, you know.
I i've sold out world tours all over and no one, not even no one, call.
I don't get an email, nothing.
And I saw it and I was kind of like, I get it, but some of those people don't need to be signing that letter.
Not everybody signing these letters is a list.
There's a lot of c and d list people on those letters why i'll sign a letter.
I will sign a letter.
I'm gonna tell you that right now.
I'm no coward.
I am no selfish coward.
I will sign a letter.
I'm not one of those pussies out there.
I will give an e-signature to a letter.
That's what i'm about.
I've always said that i'm not gonna go to war or basic training or give any of my money, but I will sign a fucking letter, threaten me with a good time and yet i'm never even asked.
I'm never even asked to sign a fucking letter.
No one's even said to me, can you sign a letter, but I would love to sign it?
You know and you know, when the people signed that letter they really felt like they did.
They go like, i'm signed a letter, same one that Jerry Seinfeld signed.
That's cool, because that's what we're willing to do and and and.
That's why you do have to respect people in Israel that are willing to go back and fight.
You know what I mean.
Nobody's in this country is willing to make that type of set.
You think Chrissy Teigan's gonna get in the paraglider?
Is Chrissy Teigen in the paraglider?
She's just paragliding.
That it's not gonna happen.
Go to the call center.
We'll tell you when we need you, when we need you.
You're gonna have to keep calling elderly people with dementia.
You get their credit card number, social security number.
You take their house, you steal it from them.
Then you give it to someone else and that person buys it.
They pay way too much for it.
Then they're fucked.
You keep calling them.
You get them second mortgages and credit cards.
You mire them in debt.
You put them.
You put them on the wheel.
Put them on a wheel.
Go to the call center.
That's where we need you sign the letter, because if you're not working in the call center, you you're signing the letter.
You're in the upper crust.
You're either in the call center like a little rat with your head on the phone going, hello, is this mrs Mattucci?
Hey, it's Barry.
How are you doing?
Can I tell you about a program we have to consolidate?
You like you're.
You're either that or you're sitting at home in Malibu and you're like, can you read the letter to me, Francis?
What does it say?
Well, sign it.
We must bring an end to this hurt.
This hurt is horrible.
We must bring an end.
Why does she do the avocado like that?
I'm British.
I'm not even British, but I talk like this because I'm very rich in America.
Many women in America start to talk like this, even though they're not British.
But that's what it is.
And that's why I think it's an attitude adjustment.
It's an attitude adjustment.
Attitude adjustment.
This is not seen as a nag.
It's Halloween.
It's fun.
It's sexy time.
Everybody's going to be fine or we won't.
But the point is this.
Stop looking at all this negatively.
This is kind of our thing.
This is kind of our thing.
Just sign the letter or go to the call center.
It's all going to be okay.
Don't start trying right now at this point in your life to have honor.
Do you know why they tell people like in their 70s or 80s to not quit smoking?
Because at a certain point, you just, the bile that comes out of your system at the end isn't worth it because it's just black gunk you cough up and stuff.
You know, basically, it's just like maybe they'll tell you to cut down, but it is what the fuck it is.
What are you going to do?
Quit smoking at 80 and to be a gymnast?
You start doing fucking marathons.
That's not what it is.
At the end, the bile, the gunk, the poison that you cough up out of your body kills it if you quit smoking.
So you can't.
Okay?
So at the end of the empire, if you discover honor, you better be very careful how you do it because it's going to cause you to cough up a lot of bile and it might just kill you.
So be very careful.
Go to the call center.
Get on the phone.
Sign the letter.
Have a cup of coffee.
Nod to the person in Starbucks.
Very sad.
Wish it was better.
Sorry about that.
Brighter days ahead.
Let's hope everybody gets their fucking thinking cap on.
Cooler heads prevail.
What a great saying.
How American.
I hope cooler heads prevail.
Go to the backyard.
Have a cocktail.
You're not dead yet.
Cooler heads prevail.
Tell your kids that everything's fine because as of now it is.
Don't start going crazy.
We don't need a bunch of Colonel Kurtzes running around.
That's not your job.
Your job is not to lead some type of sectarian revolution here.
Your job is to come up with 10, five to 10 phrases you repeat at nauseum while you drink your flavored coffee.
Amaretto, French vanilla, hazelnut.
Is that called?
That's a creamer called Italian holiday cookie?
Ooh.
Terrible times.
Hope cooler heads prevail.
Yeah.
Hope things don't spin out of control.
Things over there are tough.
Come up with the phrases.
You repeat them at nauseum.
You get in your car.
You get in your car.
It'll be okay.
Promise you, nobody's going to knock on your door and ask you to make the great sacrifice.
It's not the way that you have been built.
We have not engineered this experiment around the idea of selflessness.
Can we say that?
Is it fair to say that, kids?
Is it fair to say that we've not engineered the American experiment around selflessness?
That's not what we're about.
Is it?
No.
We are about us.
Your stance in everything is you.
Cooler heads prevail.
Have a cup of coffee.
My friend's mother, she knew someone over there.
God, so tough.
It's close to home.
That's a good one.
Go.
It's close to home.
It's close to home.
Cooler heads.
Hopefully, cooler heads prevail.
You know?
But don't get too down and don't center yourself.
Do what you need to do.
I'm speaking, of course, to most Americans, you know, the ones that are not in Hamas and NYU or, you know, the ones that are not in the IDF.
I'm speaking to the people who are hoping that all of this ends in a positive way.
But don't freak out.
Don't panic.
You will not die probably from terrorism.
You'll die because your government is engineering all kinds of fun booby traps like the house at home alone for your life.
It's not going to be foreign terrorists.
It would shock me if people I know started getting killed by foreign terrorists.
I'm not saying it's impossible.
I'm not saying it's impossible.
What I'm saying is statistically it probably won't happen.
So don't get too upset.
It's okay.
Figure out your post.
Huddle.
Huddle with people and say, here's a good one.
Here's a good one.
I'll give you a free one.
As a mother, even if you're not a mother.
Even if you're not a mother, this is what you should write.
As a mother, it breaks my heart to see children killed.
It's terrible.
And then under that, right?
I have been using some new products in my hair.
Many people have asked how I have had such a natural shine and free color and free-flowing hair.
I have been using products from this new corporation that's been sending me them.
And I will send you some for free as well.
As a mother who said about dead children, I will take 15% off the money that you would usually have to pay for these hair products where people keep stopping me in the street and going, God, your hair, it has a glow.
They forget about the dead kids when they see my hair because it flows, yet it has structure and form, but yet it's glowing.
Because I'm a mother and I'm sad seeing dead children.
I will take 15% off your order if you act now.
Halloween Goodbye and Hope00:00:35
And then after that, right, I hope cooler heads prevail.