The Tim Dillon Show - 366 - Knuckleheads & Dodo Birds
Aired: 2023-10-22
Duration: 01:08:24


=== Terrifying Rules and Fear (14:37) ===

[00:00:30]  Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dylan Show.
[00:00:32]  We're sorry we are a little late, just getting back from Australia.
[00:00:36]  As always, the spirit of Princess Diana is with us.
[00:00:41]  Hello, hi.
[00:00:43]  Hi, Princess Diana.
[00:00:44]  How are you?
[00:00:45]  I'm good.
[00:00:46]  Are you seeing what's going on in our world right now?
[00:00:50]  Yes.
[00:00:50]  And I believe in a Palestinian state because I was killed by the Jews in a tunnel.
[00:00:54]  Hey, hey, hey, Princess Diana is out of her mind.
[00:01:01]  I was killed by Jews in a tunnel.
[00:01:04]  Hey, anyway, two guests are here that don't know what I'm going to say and don't have the money to withstand the attacks and hatred that I don't, you know.
[00:01:21]  But they're good friends of mine.
[00:01:22]  Mike Cannon, Mike Feeney, great comics from New York, who've been hanging out for the last few days in Los Angeles, California, while the world's falling apart.
[00:01:32]  Yeah, man, just seeing what you live like.
[00:01:34]  We've been having fun.
[00:01:36]  Yeah.
[00:01:36]  We've been having a good time.
[00:01:37]  Went down to the beach.
[00:01:38]  Jumped in the ocean, almost got swept away by the currents.
[00:01:41]  It was very, but you know, when you say, like, how I live, it's just like, it's just New York lives a certain way.
[00:01:45]  Yeah.
[00:01:46]  And everybody's used to it.
[00:01:48]  And when you come out here, everyone can live like this.
[00:01:51]  No, I don't think everybody parks in a red zone and then just flicks everybody off and is like, tow it.
[00:01:59]  I don't know.
[00:02:00]  Here's the thing.
[00:02:00]  Segura did this the other day.
[00:02:01]  Don't you fear that the obsession with rules is a bourgeoisie middle-class mentality?
[00:02:07]  Yes.
[00:02:07]  Like, this is the reality.
[00:02:09]  I've known a lot of successful people.
[00:02:10]  They have no respect for rules.
[00:02:12]  They have no respect for rules, right?
[00:02:15]  Yeah.
[00:02:15]  Israel.
[00:02:16]  No, I'm kidding.
[00:02:18]  You stop it.
[00:02:20]  You stop it now.
[00:02:22]  Stop.
[00:02:23]  Hello.
[00:02:24]  But they were attacked.
[00:02:26]  We're getting to that.
[00:02:27]  The point is, I don't get caught up in it because I say I'm parking my car where there is fucking curb space.
[00:02:36]  That's it.
[00:02:37]  The middle class following rules, isn't that part of the reinforcement of public schooling?
[00:02:42]  They're trying to keep you in the cog that you came in.
[00:02:44]  Here's what happens.
[00:02:45]  I had my fat family to my home over the over the summer, and they're lovely people, but they were all like, Can you park by the beach without a permit?
[00:02:55]  You don't have a permit.
[00:02:56]  What's going to happen?
[00:02:57]  You're not going to tow it?
[00:02:58]  They're going to give you a ticket.
[00:03:00]  And it's just like that.
[00:03:01]  And they don't.
[00:03:02]  And it's the fear.
[00:03:04]  It's the fear that these people walk around with all day, and nothing happens.
[00:03:09]  Here's what happens most of the time: nothing.
[00:03:12]  Every now and then, yes.
[00:03:13]  Could you get towed?
[00:03:14]  Yes.
[00:03:14]  Could you get a ticket?
[00:03:15]  Yes.
[00:03:16]  Who gives a fuck?
[00:03:17]  The reality is, you should learn how and when you can break the rules.
[00:03:22]  And then, at the end of the day, you choose where you can break the rules.
[00:03:28]  Is that not?
[00:03:29]  Does that sound crazy?
[00:03:30]  No, it doesn't sound crazy.
[00:03:32]  It does sound like you can weather the financial storm.
[00:03:39]  You can only get there if you don't care.
[00:03:42]  If you're afraid all the time, you'll never make money.
[00:03:44]  You'll never do anything.
[00:03:45]  It's tough not to care.
[00:03:47]  I went through three years of watching comics, not say anything, and not earn a dollar because you were waiting to get jobs on a fake TV show that never happened.
[00:03:55]  And they were like, I can't have an opinion about anything because I won't get on this thing that isn't real.
[00:04:00]  It's not even real anymore.
[00:04:02]  They're not even making these shows.
[00:04:04]  These people are eating on the street.
[00:04:05]  They have their pussy on Craigslist.
[00:04:08]  And for three years, they were fearful and afraid of everything.
[00:04:11]  So my whole point is that you shouldn't be afraid to just live.
[00:04:17]  I got my car towed to Malibu.
[00:04:18]  We got them as they were, not today, but the other day.
[00:04:21]  We got them.
[00:04:21]  They dropped the, I paid the drop fee.
[00:04:24]  I rode in the tow truck.
[00:04:25]  It was fun.
[00:04:26]  The guy was cool.
[00:04:27]  A fan saw me in the tow truck.
[00:04:28]  I waved to the guys and Kim Bill's getting towed.
[00:04:31]  You know, he was like, why are you getting towed?
[00:04:34]  I'm like, you know, the fucking government and the shit.
[00:04:37]  It's the government.
[00:04:39]  Why aren't you getting towed, you rule-following asshole?
[00:04:42]  I mean, it's just, my parents were so terrified of everything.
[00:04:45]  They were so scared.
[00:04:47]  And that's why my father drove a Pontiac Sundance because he was terrified of like ever like, you know?
[00:04:54]  Yeah.
[00:04:54]  He's like, well, you can't.
[00:04:56]  They were so afraid.
[00:04:56]  They're like, don't let it, because they were afraid of getting sued.
[00:04:59]  They thought all my friends were going to kill themselves in the pool.
[00:05:02]  Don't let anyone in the pool here.
[00:05:03]  Somebody's going to slip on the deck and we'll get sued.
[00:05:06]  Or trampolines.
[00:05:07]  Remember you had a trampoline in your backyard?
[00:05:09]  You're like, I can't afford the insurance on this.
[00:05:11]  Yes.
[00:05:11]  Because were your parents paranoid about people getting sued?
[00:05:14]  Well, yeah, if someone broke their neck on a trampoline.
[00:05:17]  We grew up with just this idea that like every friend we had was a liability.
[00:05:21]  He was a potential liability.
[00:05:23]  Don't let him get on the trampoline.
[00:05:25]  Don't let him get in the pool.
[00:05:27]  They have asthma.
[00:05:28]  They would identify the kid with asthma.
[00:05:30]  They'd be like, he has asthma.
[00:05:31]  Watch him.
[00:05:32]  My parents wouldn't even get a pool because they didn't want our house to be welcoming.
[00:05:36]  Interesting.
[00:05:36]  Yeah, they just wanted every activity, all social gatherings were outside the home.
[00:05:40]  The idea that we might throw a party was completely far.
[00:05:43]  They never left.
[00:05:44]  Well, remember the show Rescue 911 that was on?
[00:05:47]  There was a show called Danny 911.
[00:05:49]  Dad and Nanny 911.
[00:05:51]  It was all about people who had accidents in their homes.
[00:05:55]  And it would be like a kid who hit his head and is paralyzed in the pool.
[00:06:01]  Get the Rescue 911.
[00:06:03]  Yeah, this guy.
[00:06:04]  And this would terrify people.
[00:06:06]  William Shatner.
[00:06:07]  William Shatner.
[00:06:08]  This was Shatner?
[00:06:09]  Yeah, it was Shatner.
[00:06:10]  And then this would terrify boomers into thinking that like their house was just booby trapped.
[00:06:16]  Yeah.
[00:06:16]  And that literally someone was going to, one of your kids' friends was going to die in it.
[00:06:20]  Yeah.
[00:06:21]  And you were going to get sued.
[00:06:22]  Pull up like a Rescue 911.
[00:06:24]  See if we can get like an idea of what it was.
[00:06:26]  It was always like, it would be like, there was a drowning.
[00:06:29]  She took her eyes off the water for a second.
[00:06:34]  And then there was a drink.
[00:06:36]  There could have been a Rescue 911 with, oh my God.
[00:06:38]  I don't know what is going on.
[00:06:41]  This is the Middle East.
[00:06:42]  My mom had a cousin, or at least this was her story.
[00:06:45]  It was a black belt and he dove into a four-foot pool and paralyzed himself.
[00:06:49]  Everyone has it.
[00:06:50]  I never met a single athletic cousin that she's ever had.
[00:06:53]  Yeah, everyone has a story of a guy who jumped in headfirst.
[00:06:56]  People used to jump off.
[00:06:58]  Go to the beginning where the ambulance is just coming.
[00:07:00]  I love the opening.
[00:07:01]  Yeah, let's see the opening scene.
[00:07:03]  This is what just boomers watch, just fear.
[00:07:05]  Yeah.
[00:07:06]  This was they watched this program.
[00:07:08]  The game contains true stories of rescues.
[00:07:11]  All of the 911 calls you will hear are real.
[00:07:14]  Whenever possible, the actual people involved have helped us reconstruct the events as they happened.
[00:07:20]  Great diction.
[00:07:32]  Everyone's dying.
[00:07:37]  One of your kids' friends choked to death.
[00:07:40]  And you're on the hook.
[00:07:42]  You're on the hook.
[00:07:43]  You're on the hook.
[00:07:44]  You're footing the bill.
[00:07:46]  You were drinking wine in the back room.
[00:07:48]  And your daughter and her friend were raped.
[00:07:52]  How about that?
[00:07:53]  It was a group raiding and you were drunk in your room.
[00:07:57]  All right, all right, enough of that.
[00:07:59]  Is this the 80s?
[00:07:59]  This feels like yeah, it's what the it was, the 80s and that, but the people were so paranoid about, uh, you know, and it was never because they were like, your friend is a good person, and we would hate if they drown.
[00:08:09]  Yeah, dude, it was always like, we didn't want them to cost us money.
[00:08:12]  If that, if that, if we went out in those waves a little bit farther, there would have been a rescue 911 of me calling 911 that Tim Dylan just got swept out to sea.
[00:08:20]  Yeah, no one would have had it.
[00:08:21]  That would have been like they would have rejoiced.
[00:08:23]  The state would have rejoiced.
[00:08:24]  Kevin Newsom would have had like a glass of wine.
[00:08:27]  Palestine and Israel ceasefire.
[00:08:28]  Yeah, no, it would be amazing.
[00:08:30]  The hostages are released.
[00:08:31]  Everything would be great.
[00:08:32]  The Twin Towers build back one by one.
[00:08:35]  Everybody loves it.
[00:08:38]  You'd like to go reopen.
[00:08:39]  We tried to swim, but you know, and we're strong swimmers, but it was rough.
[00:08:43]  Yeah.
[00:08:43]  I feel like that's a good death for you, though.
[00:08:45]  Dying in Malibu at a beautiful beach.
[00:08:47]  That feels like I want to kill a lot of people when I die.
[00:08:51]  I want to kill a lot of people.
[00:08:53]  Take them with you.
[00:08:54]  I want to kill a lot of people.
[00:08:55]  Skydiving.
[00:08:56]  When I die.
[00:08:57]  Whatever.
[00:08:58]  That's too hard to say.
[00:09:00]  Something big.
[00:09:01]  Yeah.
[00:09:02]  Something, you know.
[00:09:03]  So, what do you guys, what are you guys, who are you?
[00:09:06]  Muzzies or Jews?
[00:09:08]  What are you at right now?
[00:09:09]  Go on the record.
[00:09:10]  Mike Cannon on Twitter.
[00:09:11]  What are you, Mike Sini?
[00:09:13]  Muslims or Jews?
[00:09:15]  Go on the record now.
[00:09:16]  Who is it?
[00:09:18]  You know, Team Peace.
[00:09:20]  Whoa.
[00:09:22]  Okay.
[00:09:23]  A member of the LGBTQ community here.
[00:09:27]  I actually, I don't think any of the children of either side need water.
[00:09:30]  That's all.
[00:09:31]  Here's what I'm worried about.
[00:09:32]  That's a great point.
[00:09:33]  Here's what I'm worried about.
[00:09:35]  Even if this all ends tomorrow, I feel like people in that region are going to hate each other for a long time.
[00:09:42]  Like, it's just, there's no hope of this, of a reconciliation.
[00:09:48]  Right.
[00:09:48]  Right?
[00:09:49]  It doesn't feel that way.
[00:09:50]  It doesn't feel like it.
[00:09:51]  It's kind of, it goes, you know.
[00:09:53]  When is it going to be like Palestinians and Israelis having like hot sex?
[00:09:58]  There's got to be some subcategories.
[00:10:01]  That's for sure under like a taboo porn category.
[00:10:04]  Yeah.
[00:10:04]  There's got to be when are when are they going to walk Gaza with like the bloods and crips with the blue and the red handkerchief tied together and just be like, guys, it's over.
[00:10:14]  I mean, hopefully the end of the week.
[00:10:17]  But it doesn't seem like that.
[00:10:20]  No, I mean, I worry about, you know, people that are that are living there.
[00:10:24]  Are they going to be able to, because everyone wants to be fun and cool, you know?
[00:10:30]  And it's just not, like, I feel for the kids that are growing up in Gaza.
[00:10:35]  I feel for the kids that are growing up in Israel that are like not, you know, like their lives now are just completely shattered.
[00:10:45]  You know?
[00:10:47]  Yeah.
[00:10:48]  It's awful.
[00:10:49]  No, it's truly a terrible, awful thing.
[00:10:51]  I don't know.
[00:10:54]  Agree.
[00:10:55]  Yeah.
[00:10:56]  Hard agree.
[00:10:58]  I strongly agree.
[00:11:00]  I got to speak out for the people.
[00:11:03]  You have to use your platforms.
[00:11:05]  Because there's a lot of people over there right now.
[00:11:07]  Let's be honest.
[00:11:08]  Not for nothing.
[00:11:10]  There's a lot of people over there right now hurting and they're in pain.
[00:11:17]  And it's not nice.
[00:11:20]  No.
[00:11:22]  And what I would like to say is stop it.
[00:11:28]  Right?
[00:11:28]  To who?
[00:11:29]  What?
[00:11:30]  To whom?
[00:11:31]  I say stop it to all.
[00:11:32]  The blanket stop it.
[00:11:34]  Well, I say it to everyone.
[00:11:35]  Smart.
[00:11:37]  You know, me and my cousins used to throw each other down the stairs during Thanksgiving.
[00:11:41]  And you know what my aunt Carol would say?
[00:11:43]  She'd have a glass of wine and she'd like, stop!
[00:11:46]  Fat!
[00:11:47]  And we'd go, but he did it.
[00:11:48]  They did it.
[00:11:49]  And she'd go, everyone, stop it.
[00:11:51]  Everyone, stop it.
[00:11:52]  You're disrespecting Nanny's house.
[00:11:54]  Stop it now.
[00:11:55]  And that's kind of what the energy here.
[00:11:58]  The energy here is, is, is just cut it out.
[00:12:03]  You're acting like a bunch of knuckleheads and dodo birds.
[00:12:07]  But who's that's what my grandmother was saying?
[00:12:16]  You're being a bunch of dodo birds.
[00:12:19]  Who's the grandmother in this situation?
[00:12:21]  Biden?
[00:12:25]  Syria?
[00:12:28]  I have no idea.
[00:12:29]  Joe Biden and his individually closing eyes.
[00:12:32]  Yeah.
[00:12:32]  I mean, here's what we went to a great restaurant last night.
[00:12:35]  Avra.
[00:12:35]  Shout out to Avra in Beverly Hills, Kim Kardashian having a party a couple of blocks away at funk, which I wasn't invited to, which is fine.
[00:12:43]  It's okay.
[00:12:45]  Kim Kardashian's there with Ivanka Trump and other lovely people and luminaries celebrating Haley Bieber and all of that.
[00:12:51]  And we were, as importantly, having our own event.
[00:12:55]  Lobster pasta.
[00:12:56]  At Avra, which is a great Mediterranean restaurant in Beverly Hills.
[00:13:00]  I have one in New York.
[00:13:00]  Shout out to the manager in New York who always takes care of me.
[00:13:02]  Wasn't in Beverly Hills the other night.
[00:13:05]  That's okay.
[00:13:06]  But let's remember that when I go back in.
[00:13:09]  But we were there and everybody's Arabs or Jews in Beverly Hills.
[00:13:13]  Everyone's Persian.
[00:13:13]  They're either Jewish or Arab and they all look alike and everyone's kind of being very quiet.
[00:13:17]  White BMW galore.
[00:13:19]  Yeah, it's very, you know, and so we're all sitting there looking at them going, which one are you?
[00:13:24]  And right?
[00:13:26]  Doesn't?
[00:13:26]  Isn't that what you were doing?
[00:13:27]  That's what I was doing.
[00:13:30]  I was looking around the restaurant going, which one are you?
[00:13:33]  Because you all kind of have the nose.
[00:13:35]  Uh-oh.
[00:13:36]  You're all well, they do.
[00:13:38]  And they're all kind of tan and they're all rich.
[00:13:41]  Yeah.
[00:13:41]  And I'm like, a lot of wealth.
[00:13:43]  And it's, you just got to say one thing to them to kind of find out.
[00:13:46]  What's that thing?
[00:13:47]  You just sit down next to either one of them and you go, oof.
[00:13:52]  Been a long time coming.
[00:13:57]  Now, it depends what they think I mean.
[00:14:01]  Right.
[00:14:02]  The Hamas attack or the obliteration of Gaza.
[00:14:06]  The counterattack.
[00:14:07]  But when you say, been a long time coming over there, then they get to take the lead.
[00:14:13]  The first thing they say will lead you to their opinion.
[00:14:15]  Of course.
[00:14:16]  Absolutely.
[00:14:17]  And we'll know which one they are.
[00:14:19]  You're putting out some Middle East breadcrumbs.
[00:14:22]  That's right.
[00:14:22]  Yeah.
[00:14:23]  Because we are, what religion are you?
[00:14:25]  Irish Catholic?
[00:14:26]  Yeah.
[00:14:26]  Me too.
[00:14:27]  What about you?
[00:14:27]  Same.
[00:14:28]  Same.
[00:14:29]  We're not in it, boys.
[00:14:31]  Yeah.
[00:14:31]  We're not in it.
[00:14:32]  We're outside, outside.
[00:14:33]  Our people are pro-Palestine, the Irish.
[00:14:35]  They are.
[00:14:36]  The Irish Catholics are.
[00:14:37]  Is that true?
[00:14:38]  Yeah, because they were.
[00:14:39]  But I thought we were pro-Israel because they're protecting the place where Jesus comes back.
[00:14:43]  No, because we feel like a similarity, like because of Northern Ireland and the British and the IRA, we feel very like a kinship with the Palestinians.
[00:14:54]  I don't per se.
[00:14:56]  Okay.
[00:14:58]  I'm saying this.
[00:15:00]  The only reason I don't feel a kinship with the Palestinians is because I am more of an American than I am Irish.
[00:15:07]  Of course.

=== Geopolitical Crisis in Qatar (11:33) ===

[00:15:08]  Because I don't have that thing.
[00:15:09]  I'm not saying the Palestinians are wrong.
[00:15:11]  I'm saying that I don't, the Irish have that experience with Britain in the UK.
[00:15:16]  I don't.
[00:15:16]  Sure.
[00:15:17]  Yeah.
[00:15:18]  I'm just glad you're saying something because silence is violated.
[00:15:21]  I'm saying it all.
[00:15:22]  Yeah.
[00:15:23]  No, it's not.
[00:15:24]  I said today, I said Israel should do a ceasefire, but the Palestinians release all the hostages.
[00:15:30]  They should release all the hostages and then there should be a ceasefire.
[00:15:33]  And then we should do, I talked about it, a big fucking concert.
[00:15:36]  T. Swift, Ed Sheeran, Drake.
[00:15:39]  Massive, massive concert.
[00:15:41]  Massive concert.
[00:15:42]  Like a we are the world, we are the children thing.
[00:15:45]  Massive concert.
[00:15:46]  You're telling me Ed Sheeran can't get up there with a guitar and fix this?
[00:15:50]  His little repeater thing that is.
[00:15:52]  The castle on the hill?
[00:15:54]  You're telling me that that sewer rat can't get up there.
[00:15:59]  The problem is I think they're a little gun shy of music festivals right now.
[00:16:03]  Mike, that's, should we have him on the show?
[00:16:06]  That was disgusting.
[00:16:07]  Gunshots.
[00:16:07]  That was the fact that you would say that, that is disgusting and disrespectful.
[00:16:13]  No, I agree with you.
[00:16:15]  Apparently, it is.
[00:16:18]  It is.
[00:16:20]  It is odd that I would suggest that a musical thing would help.
[00:16:26]  They've had concerts in Vegas.
[00:16:27]  I'm just saying we need that energy of, do we need that energy or not of this?
[00:16:33]  This is the energy we kind of need.
[00:16:34]  We're coming together.
[00:16:35]  That's what we're doing.
[00:16:36]  De-escalation.
[00:16:37]  Maybe do it all the world.
[00:16:39]  Maybe do it a little further from Gaza this time.
[00:16:41]  Yeah.
[00:16:42]  Inland.
[00:16:43]  There's got to be some metal detectors, some security.
[00:16:45]  Yeah.
[00:16:46]  You know?
[00:16:47]  But Drake, you know?
[00:16:50]  Drake has been oddly quiet about this whole thing, considering he's half involved.
[00:16:54]  Right.
[00:16:55]  That's interesting.
[00:16:56]  Yeah.
[00:16:57]  He doesn't really speak up.
[00:16:58]  He's got an album to push.
[00:16:59]  Well, you know what it is?
[00:17:01]  It's probably difficult because he probably sees both sides of it.
[00:17:10]  And he's big in the Arab world.
[00:17:12]  Oh, yeah.
[00:17:12]  Right.
[00:17:13]  Yeah.
[00:17:13]  He's massive.
[00:17:14]  Yeah.
[00:17:14]  But he's also Jewish.
[00:17:17]  He's big in the whole world.
[00:17:18]  That's big part of the world.
[00:17:20]  But specifically with regard to this conflict.
[00:17:22]  Right.
[00:17:23]  His standing in Iceland is immaterial.
[00:17:27]  You know what I mean?
[00:17:28]  We're talking more about his relationship to those people.
[00:17:33]  The Arabs.
[00:17:35]  So he's, you know, I mean, this, you know, they try to get this up.
[00:17:39]  They're trying to get Bill Gates.
[00:17:41]  They want to kick the leaders of Hamas out of the Four Seasons in Doha Qatar.
[00:17:45]  Here's what I say to that.
[00:17:47]  There's not a lot of good hotels in this world.
[00:17:50]  There's very few of them.
[00:17:52]  And the Four Seasons has consistency.
[00:17:54]  It has good bedding.
[00:17:55]  It has room service that is pretty damn good.
[00:17:58]  I don't know if we need to go kick Hamas out of the Four Seasons in Doha Qatar.
[00:18:02]  They have a standing room?
[00:18:05]  Well, they're not coming.
[00:18:06]  Well, they have condos in the four seasons that they live in.
[00:18:09]  Representative Mike Waltz demands Bill Gates ban Hamas from Qatar Four Seasons.
[00:18:14]  Representative Mike Waltz is calling on billionaire Bill Gates to step in and ban Hamas terrorists from using any of the Four Seasons hotels, including one of the company's properties in Qatar.
[00:18:24]  Noting that the Microsoft co-founder and former CEO has a controlling stake in the hotel chain through his investment firm.
[00:18:30]  Hamas's political wing has previously hosted events at the Four Seasons Hotel in Doha, including a 2016 reception with then Turkish Prime Minister Ahmet.
[00:18:40]  Good luck.
[00:18:44]  Yeah, I mean, and, but so here's the deal.
[00:18:46]  Qatar is very interesting, right?
[00:18:48]  Because Qatar is like this, you know, Middle Eastern country, but it's westernized.
[00:18:51]  Didn't they have the World Cup?
[00:18:53]  Right.
[00:18:53]  They have all that stuff happening.
[00:18:54]  They killed thousands of slaves while they built their stadium.
[00:18:57]  Yeah.
[00:18:57]  Well, but did you see it?
[00:18:59]  Yeah, it was good.
[00:19:00]  Beautiful.
[00:19:01]  But this is what I mean.
[00:19:02]  Seemed hot.
[00:19:03]  We, you know, slaves also built the White House.
[00:19:06]  Right.
[00:19:07]  Right.
[00:19:07]  I mean, a long time ago.
[00:19:09]  But it, you know, you can't, you know, what is the thing about the omelet and the egg?
[00:19:14]  Got to break a few.
[00:19:14]  You got to break a few eggs.
[00:19:17]  You have to break a few slaves.
[00:19:19]  To get a stadium.
[00:19:21]  The point is.
[00:19:22]  The point is the Arab world is going out there and they're saying, we are the future.
[00:19:26]  We're going to have great big sporting events.
[00:19:28]  When they say, can we do the Olympics in Los Angeles?
[00:19:30]  You know what the sick fucks here say?
[00:19:31]  No, we can't because we have too many homeless people.
[00:19:33]  We can't move.
[00:19:34]  So we can't.
[00:19:35]  So Qatar and all these places are going like, we come here.
[00:19:39]  We will host the biggest events, the biggest UFC, the World Cup.
[00:19:44]  We're ready.
[00:19:45]  Put us in, coach.
[00:19:46]  And then cities like LA cannot get enough people.
[00:19:50]  They can't keep them from shitting in the street long enough so somebody could do the pole vault.
[00:19:56]  It's disgusting.
[00:19:58]  So here's what I'll say.
[00:20:00]  Hamas is not good.
[00:20:02]  And what they did was barbaric.
[00:20:05]  But the political wing of Hamas has been singing in the four seasons for a very long time.
[00:20:10]  Here's the way I feel about brand loyalty.
[00:20:15]  And this is the way I feel about brand loyalty.
[00:20:17]  I believe in it as a concept.
[00:20:20]  And I believe that not only do you value a brand, but a brand should value you.
[00:20:24]  And if Hamas is going to bring money into the four seasons in Doha and do events and do the make your own waffle, when they bring the Turkish prime minister in and they're going to do the omelette station, we know how it goes.
[00:20:36]  We have the omelette station.
[00:20:38]  We have make your own waffle.
[00:20:40]  You know, if Hamas is going to utilize that, then I don't know if who are we to say, you know?
[00:20:47]  Well, and it's a slippery slope.
[00:20:48]  What's next?
[00:20:49]  The Yakuza are going to be ejected from a hotel.
[00:20:52]  Not my hotel.
[00:20:55]  By the way, I've stayed in very high-end hotels for a very long time.
[00:20:58]  And the people that say they are primarily criminals and thank you.
[00:21:02]  Because without money laundering, without murder and killing, there's no nice anything.
[00:21:08]  There's nothing nice without death.
[00:21:10]  And that's not popular to say, but it is true.
[00:21:15]  If you see marble, there's blood somewhere.
[00:21:20]  I mean, you know, you don't get diamonds without blood diamonds.
[00:21:24]  So here's what I'm saying.
[00:21:25]  I'm saying that I think that the political wing of Hamas, if they have, I mean, where are you on this?
[00:21:31]  Why am I always, come on.
[00:21:33]  Hamas.
[00:21:34]  Hamas in the four seasons.
[00:21:35]  Mike T. Hamas in the four seasons.
[00:21:37]  We're going to put this right on the Hamas of the Four Seasons.
[00:21:40]  Go.
[00:21:41]  Well, I think you make interesting points, Tim.
[00:21:45]  I do enjoy peace.
[00:21:47]  I do think that brand loyalty is important.
[00:21:49]  But, you know, like you said, Hamas is not.
[00:21:53]  How about a nice stop it?
[00:21:55]  Stop it.
[00:21:57]  But should they be allowed?
[00:21:58]  Should Hamas be allowed to stay in the four seasons?
[00:22:01]  Yeah.
[00:22:02]  Yeah.
[00:22:02]  Yes.
[00:22:03]  I think they should.
[00:22:04]  Yes.
[00:22:04]  Why not?
[00:22:05]  Because, you know, again, again, where does it stop?
[00:22:09]  And if they're like, put them into a holiday inn or somewhere less comfortable, how much are they, they're going to urgently do something.
[00:22:15]  It's going to be worse.
[00:22:16]  Yeah, of course it will be.
[00:22:17]  It's going to be worse.
[00:22:17]  I'll tell you this.
[00:22:18]  If you take me out of the four seasons, I'll get my fat ass in a power glider tomorrow.
[00:22:23]  Dude, if you.
[00:22:27]  It won't even get off the ground.
[00:22:28]  How embarrassing will that be?
[00:22:30]  Do you have to roll in in a barrel?
[00:22:33]  If you...
[00:22:34]  This episode is our final one.
[00:22:37]  If you take them off a sweet memory foam bed and put them on a hard Motel 6 cot.
[00:22:43]  You know, by the way, putting them in a shit hotel is not going to make it better, dummy.
[00:22:47]  This is how dumb our government is.
[00:22:49]  This is how dumb our government is.
[00:22:50]  Our government's like, get their scrambled eggs out of their mouth.
[00:22:55]  Buddy, you got a geopolitical crisis.
[00:22:58]  It's not the fruit cup that we're worried about.
[00:23:00]  You have Iran about to get into the war with Hezbollah.
[00:23:03]  You have China with destroyers in the Middle East, whatever the fucking thing is.
[00:23:07]  You have Russia that's backing certain militias out there that don't like us.
[00:23:13]  We have a whole brew thing brewing here that's a real big World War III scenario.
[00:23:18]  And this guy's like, get them out of the bed.
[00:23:20]  It's got to start with their thread count.
[00:23:23]  We have to have a threat.
[00:23:25]  It's an Egyptian cut.
[00:23:27]  It's crazy.
[00:23:29]  This is your solution to World War III.
[00:23:32]  Get them out of the four seasons?
[00:23:34]  This is just a person trying to say literally anything without commenting on the war.
[00:23:38]  It's being like, what if we just, what if we just get them out of there?
[00:23:41]  That's my listen to this.
[00:23:42]  Four seasons in an October 15th statement said Hania, who's the Hamas guy, is not living or staying at the Four Seasons Hotel Doha, but did not immediately respond to the post request for comment about the length of his previous stay.
[00:23:54]  So he's not even there.
[00:23:56]  They just don't.
[00:23:56]  I don't know if he is.
[00:23:58]  Yeah, how are they going to say?
[00:23:59]  But that's the thing.
[00:23:59]  I checked out.
[00:24:00]  He checked out.
[00:24:02]  He dropped his key in the slot.
[00:24:04]  We haven't seen it.
[00:24:04]  And by the way, you know, because this is awkward, but you know how nice he probably is to everybody?
[00:24:08]  I bet he tips well.
[00:24:09]  You know what I mean?
[00:24:10]  You know how nice he is?
[00:24:10]  I'm not saying he's a good person.
[00:24:12]  Yeah.
[00:24:12]  But I'm saying he's nice.
[00:24:14]  He's probably very nice.
[00:24:16]  So he's probably got people lying for him going like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
[00:24:19]  Mr. Hania, he's just chatting.
[00:24:21]  You checked out.
[00:24:22]  Isn't that a kind of outside of everything?
[00:24:25]  It does seem like kind of a security concern if he is staying there.
[00:24:29]  Oh, it will be.
[00:24:30]  Yeah.
[00:24:30]  Oh, yeah.
[00:24:32]  Well, the Masad's going to get it on and shout out to the Mossad.
[00:24:34]  And I respect what they're going to do.
[00:24:35]  They're going to go out here assassinating people.
[00:24:38]  Everybody's got to get a shout out here.
[00:24:40]  That's the reality.
[00:24:41]  Yeah.
[00:24:42]  But they are not going to take this line down.
[00:24:44]  That's why all the idiots who are just like free Palestine, that's a fine perspective to have, but also understand that like Israel's not going to completely roll over after their citizens are slaughtered.
[00:24:55]  Sure.
[00:24:55]  That's just not going to happen.
[00:24:56]  That's not a realistic thing.
[00:24:57]  The world is the way it is.
[00:24:59]  Now, you may not like that the Palestinians don't have a state.
[00:25:01]  I would agree and say that it's not a sustainable situation and is barbaric and they've been living in that.
[00:25:07]  But this idea that Israel's just not going to respond is crazy.
[00:25:11]  That's crazy.
[00:25:12]  So this is what it is.
[00:25:14]  You know, this is a real big fucking mess.
[00:25:16]  Especially from a country who loves responding in an over-the-top way.
[00:25:21]  They respond.
[00:25:21]  We do.
[00:25:22]  And we do.
[00:25:23]  Yeah.
[00:25:23]  Big time.
[00:25:24]  That's kind of our thing.
[00:25:25]  We were kind of the best at this point.
[00:25:27]  But doesn't it feel very kind of post-9-11-y, though, in the messaging that they're trying to get us to support this shit, which is like us against evil, us against the good guy?
[00:25:36]  Well, it was also Russia.
[00:25:37]  You know, all of the whole election was like Russia installed Trump.
[00:25:42]  Russia's evil.
[00:25:43]  Then it was Russia and Ukraine.
[00:25:45]  We got to fight Russia.
[00:25:47]  And now it's China, China.
[00:25:48]  We got to fight China.
[00:25:50]  We're fighting North Korea for a minute there.
[00:25:51]  We're fighting North Korea.
[00:25:52]  There's always an enemy.
[00:25:53]  And if there's not an enemy, there's an enemy in the wings.
[00:25:55]  Yeah, it's way.
[00:25:56]  He's an enemy in the wings.
[00:25:57]  Like we're kind of, we test out enemies.
[00:26:00]  We see if they work.
[00:26:00]  Are they focus group enemies?
[00:26:02]  Focus group enemies.
[00:26:03]  We get a free lunch.
[00:26:04]  Like Syria never caught on.
[00:26:06]  We're like, we don't really.
[00:26:08]  Yeah.
[00:26:09]  Because we were going into Syria, getting rid of the Libyan state and the Syrian state.
[00:26:14]  Meanwhile, ISIS is running around Syria.
[00:26:17]  Yeah.
[00:26:18]  So then Russia, we are arming ISIS to fight Russia.
[00:26:22]  And we're arming ISIS to fight the Assad family who run Syria.
[00:26:25]  Again, they're not great, but they had a government.
[00:26:28]  We're arming militias to fight the Syrian government and the Libyan government.
[00:26:34]  And then we turn around and go, you got to get tough with terrorism.
[00:26:36]  It's like, we gave them all the money.
[00:26:39]  But it's like a therapist giving shitty advice on purpose.

=== Focus Group Enemies (03:56) ===

[00:26:42]  Yes.
[00:26:42]  They always come back.
[00:26:43]  We need them.
[00:26:44]  We need them.
[00:26:44]  Just need them.
[00:26:45]  Just right.
[00:26:46]  Just enough advice to keep coming back.
[00:26:47]  No, we need them.
[00:26:49]  And we need them.
[00:26:50]  We need these groups of people.
[00:26:51]  And it really is.
[00:26:52]  That's what it is.
[00:26:52]  Yeah.
[00:26:53]  We just go around that part of the world handing out missiles, getting people going, shitting people up.
[00:26:59]  And then eventually one of them gets big enough to fuck with us.
[00:27:02]  And then we go out.
[00:27:03]  You know who we are.
[00:27:04]  We're the guy in the bar that goes over to one drunk guy and he goes, you know, that guy's talking shit about you.
[00:27:08]  Right.
[00:27:08]  Yeah.
[00:27:08]  Or like pinches his girlfriend's ass and then fades into the business.
[00:27:11]  It's that great Bill Hicks bit about like pick up the gun, you know, like Shane, the mood, like pick up the gun.
[00:27:16]  Like Jack Palance being like, you saw him he had a gun, you know?
[00:27:19]  But I just, I hope this whole thing, I hope this whole thing works out.
[00:27:23]  And you know me, I don't pull any punches, but I'll tell you this.
[00:27:28]  Wacky.
[00:27:31]  And stop it.
[00:27:32]  Wacky and stuff.
[00:27:33]  And I'll tell you this right now.
[00:27:34]  Let's go to some good news for a change.
[00:27:37]  Argentina court acquits none in deaf children's sex abuse case.
[00:27:41]  Thank you.
[00:27:42]  Good news.
[00:27:43]  Wow.
[00:27:44]  Good news.
[00:27:45]  The deaf kids were lying.
[00:27:49]  Two nuns and seven other female employees of an Argentine Institute for Deaf Children were acquitted by a court Wednesday of sexual abuse and rape.
[00:27:57]  The ruling broadcast on public television concluded a trial of two and a half years in a case that has shocked the home country of Pope Francis.
[00:28:06]  Two priests in charge of the children at the Antonio Provolo Center, Horatio Cubarto and Nicola Karati, have been convicted.
[00:28:15]  That's kind of close.
[00:28:18]  Well, how would you pronounce it?
[00:28:19]  That actually is exactly it.
[00:28:22]  I've been convicted and handed sentences of more than 40 years for sexual abuse, including rape of 20 minors.
[00:28:27]  See, the Catholic Church is not great.
[00:28:29]  The victims were four to 17.
[00:28:32]  Jesus Christ, when the crimes were committed.
[00:28:34]  The institution's gardener, Armando Gomez, has also been jailed for 18 years.
[00:28:38]  Why do they not go for life, by the way?
[00:28:40]  I don't understand why there is 18 years.
[00:28:42]  Several staff were taken into custody after allegations of abuse first surfaced.
[00:28:48]  Why are they still referring to them as crimes even though they were acquitted?
[00:28:52]  So darn.
[00:28:53]  No, no, no.
[00:28:54]  These people all went to jail.
[00:28:56]  They keep going down because we're going to get to.
[00:29:02]  Okay, hold on.
[00:29:03]  Hold on.
[00:29:03]  Here we go.
[00:29:04]  Here we go.
[00:29:05]  Go up.
[00:29:09]  A little bit more.
[00:29:10]  The latest case focused on the alleged abuse of 11 of the children in the dock were Japanese nun Kumiko Cosaka and Paraguayan Assuncian Martinez, as well as a former cook, a psychologist, a legal representative, and a school director and three other employers.
[00:29:27]  Cosaka stood accused of aggravated sexual abuse and covering up the crimes and Martinez of corruption of minors among the other alleged offenses.
[00:29:35]  A panel of three judges on Wednesday acquitted them.
[00:29:38]  They were all acquitted of the abuse of the deaf.
[00:29:45]  So those two, okay, the rest.
[00:29:48]  Well, Ariel Lazarga, the father of one of the accusers, described the outcome as a total injustice.
[00:29:57]  Well, they know, I don't know.
[00:29:58]  Maybe they know somebody on the inside.
[00:30:00]  They're just saying that deaf kids are unfuckable.
[00:30:03]  That's kind of what they're saying.
[00:30:05]  They're also saying they're liars, but they're liars by their nature.
[00:30:10]  The deaf.
[00:30:11]  But this is a good, this is the good news this week because everything else is bad.
[00:30:17]  Yeah.
[00:30:18]  So this is good.
[00:30:19]  The deaf children that were abused were not abused by these people.
[00:30:22]  Right.
[00:30:23]  Somebody got them.
[00:30:25]  That is true, but not these guys.
[00:30:27]  So like I always look, you know, it's a silver lining on the cloud of the Catholic Church.
[00:30:32]  Yeah, you don't want, you don't want wrongful imprisonment.
[00:30:34]  That's no good.
[00:30:35]  No, I mean, I mean, I don't know.

=== Bombed Hospital Reality (15:06) ===

[00:30:38]  Man arrested for faking heart attack 20 times at restaurants to avoid paying bill.
[00:30:43]  This guy, in my mind, is an American hero.
[00:30:46]  He is.
[00:30:46]  I think he did it in Spain.
[00:30:49]  This man, in my opinion, is a Spanish hero.
[00:30:51]  He's an American hero that he's 50 years old.
[00:30:55]  He was from Lithuania and he was arrested in Spain.
[00:30:58]  In my opinion, he's a Lithuanian hero.
[00:31:00]  Yeah.
[00:31:01]  I mean, it's funny that.
[00:31:03]  By the way, it's a lot to fake a heart attack.
[00:31:06]  Yeah.
[00:31:07]  That's like a physical effort.
[00:31:09]  You're also getting an ambulance to come.
[00:31:12]  I mean, it's not a thing.
[00:31:13]  Nobody could do that in America because it would be more money to have a fake heart attack because the ambulance is like $1,500.
[00:31:19]  People with real heart attacks, you know, put me in an Uber.
[00:31:21]  I can't afford.
[00:31:24]  So in Europe, I guess you can just fake heart attacks.
[00:31:27]  I guess maybe they got him in a car.
[00:31:29]  Does it say how he did it?
[00:31:30]  Like, did they smuggle him into a car or something?
[00:31:33]  The man attempted to leave without paying, but the restaurant staff stopped him and noted how he still needed to pay the bill.
[00:31:39]  The scammer became visibly upset and said he was going to get the money from his hotel room.
[00:31:42]  When staff refused to let him leave without paying, the man dramatically threw himself on the ground and pretended to have a heart attack.
[00:31:49]  Not fooled.
[00:31:50]  The staff called the police and instead of an ambulance, the man was recognized by local authorities.
[00:31:56]  That's a tough dismount from faking that to then kind of looking around and noticing nobody's buying it and then being like, I've had this exact situation happen.
[00:32:06]  I worked at an Applebee's.
[00:32:08]  And there was a woman who threw Purell on the floor when she went to the bathroom.
[00:32:13]  I loved it at every stage of your life.
[00:32:15]  Yeah.
[00:32:15]  You could have done something better and just didn't.
[00:32:18]  Like there was no reason for you to ever work at an Applebee's.
[00:32:21]  No.
[00:32:22]  Ever in your life.
[00:32:23]  No.
[00:32:23]  It's the craziest thing in the world.
[00:32:26]  How old were you?
[00:32:27]  Oh, it was right after.
[00:32:28]  There's so many better restaurants, better places.
[00:32:31]  It was all right.
[00:32:32]  I figured out how to add auto-gratuity.
[00:32:34]  It was okay.
[00:32:35]  But it was, yeah, I was there a few months.
[00:32:37]  And literally, the person threw Purel on the ground as they went to the bathroom.
[00:32:40]  When they came out of the bathroom, she looked both ways, didn't even pretend to slip.
[00:32:45]  She laid down slowly in it on the ground and started screaming.
[00:32:49]  The manager, because I guess this happens a lot, especially if you're a bad person.
[00:32:55]  I like that.
[00:32:55]  Especially at an Applebee's.
[00:32:57]  The manager checked the security footage, saw all of it, and she was like, I want my meal comped.
[00:33:02]  I want to eat here for free for the rest of my life.
[00:33:05]  All these demands.
[00:33:05]  And she goes, all right, I just watched the security tape.
[00:33:07]  You're full of shit.
[00:33:08]  We're going to call the police.
[00:33:09]  And then she goes, all right, well, then like at least a free dessert.
[00:33:13]  Right.
[00:33:13]  So that was her bargaining chip.
[00:33:15]  And the woman's like, I'm calling the police.
[00:33:17]  And she's like, here's the money and extra for tip.
[00:33:19]  And I'm so sorry.
[00:33:20]  Well, there's something fun.
[00:33:21]  And I've always respected people that commit to something.
[00:33:24]  Yeah.
[00:33:24]  And the idea of going out to Applebee's and eating the food, knowing that you're going to have to do that.
[00:33:30]  A two for 20 meal.
[00:33:31]  That's two appetizers, two entrees for $20.
[00:33:35]  No, she was with another person.
[00:33:36]  Okay.
[00:33:37]  So $10.
[00:33:38]  She's on the line for $10.
[00:33:39]  But it's so funny to just turn around to that other person when they start to get out their wallet and you go, no, I got this.
[00:33:46]  It's on me.
[00:33:47]  I got this.
[00:33:48]  It's on Purel.
[00:33:49]  No, it's, there is something distinctly American about trying to get out of, especially a restaurant bill.
[00:33:56]  We dine and dashed when we were little kids.
[00:33:58]  We would run out of Boulder Creek Steakhouse in Hicksville and just run out.
[00:34:03]  Once at Fridays, I've probably told this story before.
[00:34:06]  The waitress was very vicious and rude.
[00:34:09]  She was a very rude person.
[00:34:10]  Sure.
[00:34:11]  Because she worked at Fridays.
[00:34:12]  That's true, but yeah, perhaps that she created.
[00:34:17]  And we were sitting there, me and a bunch of my friends, and she was very rude.
[00:34:21]  So I told them all to leave.
[00:34:22]  And then I just went back and, you know, Fridays is hectic.
[00:34:24]  I just went in and grabbed all the money out of the thing.
[00:34:27]  And I got back in the car.
[00:34:29]  We went hide the sleeve.
[00:34:31]  Oh, yeah, yeah.
[00:34:31]  I got in the car and I just turned to my friend's brother.
[00:34:34]  I went, go, go, go, go.
[00:34:35]  And I started handing everyone back their money.
[00:34:37]  I'm like, here's your 20, here's your 20, here's your 20.
[00:34:39]  And we were all just laughing.
[00:34:40]  It was a great night.
[00:34:41]  Sure.
[00:34:42]  I think they make them pay for it.
[00:34:44]  Oh, yeah, they definitely did.
[00:34:45]  That woman had to pay the money.
[00:34:47]  It goes out of their thing for sure.
[00:34:49]  We used to do that at the Blove Elt diner in Rockland County in Bloveldt.
[00:34:54]  And we had similar 3 a.m.
[00:34:56]  We weren't drinking yet.
[00:34:57]  We were younger.
[00:34:58]  But this waitress being, you know, she didn't want, we were ordering bullshit.
[00:35:02]  Right.
[00:35:02]  So she was so mean that we ended up paying her, but leaving the cash in the milkshake on the table and dipping it to the point where we left it like a few bucks short, too.
[00:35:12]  So it wasn't even like exact, but we change at the bottom of the milkshake, the whole thing, walked out, and she's slamming on the window as we were running away.
[00:35:19]  Here's the thing, justifiable.
[00:35:20]  They had to do that.
[00:35:21]  Now I tip so well.
[00:35:22]  I overdo it.
[00:35:23]  I tip crazily.
[00:35:25]  I'm good.
[00:35:26]  But when you're a teenager, there is a time in your life when it is completely appropriate really to do things like that.
[00:35:33]  To destroy someone's day.
[00:35:34]  It's really appropriate when you are a teenager to do things like that occasionally.
[00:35:40]  Because when you get older, you cannot do that.
[00:35:42]  Petty crime is real fun.
[00:35:43]  But like flipping out a little bit and doing something crazy, like trying to get out of a restaurant without paying as a teenager, I think is okay.
[00:35:53]  Yeah.
[00:35:53]  I mean, I think it's okay.
[00:35:55]  We were constantly doing with money and stuff, it wasn't like that, but we would constantly damage shit.
[00:36:01]  Yeah, we committed a lot of crime.
[00:36:02]  Pulling fences out of the ground.
[00:36:04]  Oh, dude, it was the best.
[00:36:05]  Pull down bathrooms.
[00:36:07]  Yeah.
[00:36:08]  Egging cars.
[00:36:09]  Paper.
[00:36:10]  Paintball houses.
[00:36:11]  We would throw eggs.
[00:36:12]  You know, there was people that worked at Bally's, Bally's Total Fitness.
[00:36:15]  Sure.
[00:36:16]  There was a big window and they'd be like running on treadmills and we would like throw eggs at them.
[00:36:21]  And many of them didn't even do anything.
[00:36:22]  They were just running on the treadmill, like on the elliptical.
[00:36:24]  Like, who cares?
[00:36:25]  There was a French guy that lived across the street from my friend Timmy.
[00:36:28]  And he was just kind of rude to us once.
[00:36:31]  And we took two baseball bats.
[00:36:33]  We were 10 years old across to his yard and hit his tree into splinters just for no reason.
[00:36:38]  We just, we were like, fuck you for looking at us weird.
[00:36:41]  And then we threw snowballs in his open door one day.
[00:36:44]  He accidentally left the front door to his house open.
[00:36:46]  We'd blind snowballs in the future.
[00:36:48]  But these are the things you got at my, my friend, this woman, Jill, who lives next to us.
[00:36:52]  Me and my friend would smoke pot in my backyard when my parents, you know, my mother wasn't home.
[00:36:56]  They had been divorced.
[00:36:57]  And Jill would say things to us and we used to grab butcher knives.
[00:37:02]  Me and my friend, my chubby other little friend.
[00:37:04]  And we were like 12 years old.
[00:37:06]  And we're like, we'll fucking kill you, you dumb bitch.
[00:37:08]  We'll cut your fucking head off, you bitch.
[00:37:11]  And she called the police.
[00:37:13]  And I got a person in need of supervision, a pins petition.
[00:37:18]  No shit.
[00:37:19]  I talk about it in my book.
[00:37:20]  Yeah.
[00:37:20]  But what's interesting about it is that, you know, it was fun.
[00:37:25]  It was fun to do, you know?
[00:37:27]  My street had just a bunch of like people.
[00:37:30]  I mean, like, you talked about Rescue 911, but I thought earlier you were talking about Nanny 911.
[00:37:34]  You remember that show where people would, it was the same kind of concept where it was like a terrible home and they needed to have a nanny come in to fix the situation because the parents couldn't get control of the kids.
[00:37:46]  They shot an episode of that.
[00:37:47]  Cesar Milan for kids.
[00:37:48]  Yeah, essentially.
[00:37:49]  Yeah, they go like that.
[00:37:50]  They shot an episode of that on my block because the kids were like on, it was like across the street from my best friend.
[00:37:56]  They were insane.
[00:37:58]  They were throwing like hammers at people and cars going by.
[00:38:02]  Nanny 911.
[00:38:03]  Dude, it is.
[00:38:05]  Because it's just the kids were so out of control.
[00:38:07]  Yeah, the one on Long Island.
[00:38:08]  It was like one of the most legend.
[00:38:09]  I don't know if it's the Valenti one, but it's like literally the most, it's one of the most.
[00:38:12]  Long Island's always a legendary episode because people can't imagine the animals that.
[00:38:17]  Oh, yeah.
[00:38:17]  Yeah.
[00:38:18]  Well, the parents are stunned that their kids are acting up while they're fist fighting in the kitchen.
[00:38:22]  That's why I love that show wife swap where like they like they'll switch it.
[00:38:26]  Oh yeah, they switch the families.
[00:38:27]  They switch the families and like there'll be a little fat kid who's like, I'm not eating that salad.
[00:38:33]  And the woman's like, this is what we eat.
[00:38:34]  We eat vegetables.
[00:38:35]  And he's like, no, I don't.
[00:38:37]  No.
[00:38:38]  It was only.
[00:38:38]  My mama lets me eat Nessie quick chocolate powder for dinner.
[00:38:44]  Okay.
[00:38:44]  So is this the one on Long Island?
[00:38:46]  I don't know if this is the one on Long Island.
[00:38:48]  The Long Island one I haven't found.
[00:38:49]  Okay.
[00:38:50]  But this is just generic.
[00:38:51]  All right, let's see this.
[00:38:52]  Find the Long Island one, please.
[00:38:53]  Okay.
[00:38:54]  Just some kids crying because Obama won on Long Island.
[00:38:58]  No!
[00:38:59]  He was a communist community organized.
[00:39:02]  He's a Muslim.
[00:39:04]  He's married to a man.
[00:39:05]  Well, it's all true.
[00:39:09]  Nanny 911.
[00:39:10]  Was it the Lawrence?
[00:39:11]  Just hilarious.
[00:39:12]  He's like, you know, the idea of a guy being like, the families are animals.
[00:39:16]  The kids are mad.
[00:39:17]  And they labeled it crazy.
[00:39:19]  It looked like such white trash.
[00:39:21]  This was like, you know, they had like, you know, people had.
[00:39:23]  This is also pre-ateral, right?
[00:39:25]  Kind of.
[00:39:27]  Riddlein was in.
[00:39:29]  What town is it, Mike?
[00:39:30]  Just curious.
[00:39:31]  It was in Centerach.
[00:39:33]  That's crazy.
[00:39:34]  You grew up in Center Reach?
[00:39:36]  Yeah.
[00:39:36]  Wow.
[00:39:37]  They call it Center Rico a lot.
[00:39:39]  Why?
[00:39:39]  Heavily Puerto Rican.
[00:39:41]  Racist.
[00:39:42]  It's not racist.
[00:39:44]  It's just the demographics.
[00:39:45]  It was Irish.
[00:39:46]  It was Irish in Puerto Rico.
[00:39:47]  That's the type of guy you want to be.
[00:39:50]  Is that Sebastian?
[00:39:51]  Is that the kind of guy?
[00:39:53]  You look over there, huh?
[00:39:57]  What are they doing over there?
[00:39:59]  Can you let the Italians cater to Pagram?
[00:40:04]  Can we please let the Italians cater to Pagram a little better?
[00:40:08]  What are you doing over there?
[00:40:13]  Can we watch some of this?
[00:40:15]  Sure, sure.
[00:40:18]  This is dead air.
[00:40:20]  Parents, worst nightmare.
[00:40:30]  100% white cakes.
[00:40:32]  Yeah.
[00:40:35]  They're in desperate need of help.
[00:40:41]  It's time to dial nanny911.
[00:40:46]  Hello.
[00:40:47]  Bitches, Nanny 911.
[00:40:50]  Real nannies.
[00:40:54]  Are they all British?
[00:40:55]  Yeah, yeah.
[00:40:55]  Oh, wow.
[00:40:56]  I like that.
[00:40:58]  It's a Mary Poppin' situation.
[00:41:00]  You're going to end up like Princess Diana if you don't get in that fucking chair.
[00:41:04]  They always wore that, a little cape.
[00:41:06]  They will then have one week to take away.
[00:41:08]  We'll do to you what we did to the Congo.
[00:41:10]  They're just like showing kids playing.
[00:41:12]  There are going to have to be some major changes that go on.
[00:41:15]  That's the plan.
[00:41:16]  Can these families be saved?
[00:41:18]  What a fun show.
[00:41:19]  Can these families be saved?
[00:41:21]  Yeah, it turns out the ones on my block were not able to.
[00:41:23]  All right, all right.
[00:41:25]  This is sick.
[00:41:27]  Very popular.
[00:41:28]  I'm sure it was.
[00:41:29]  Nobody likes anything better than watching something horrible.
[00:41:33]  Yeah.
[00:41:33]  Like we've done, you know, the TLC stuff, which has gone crazy.
[00:41:37]  It's like there's nothing, there's nothing, there's nothing more exciting to people than watching, you know, that type of TV.
[00:41:46]  But now the news has gotten so crazy that there's no real, like the reality shows now.
[00:41:52]  Yeah.
[00:41:53]  You can't compete with China's got warships in the Gulf.
[00:41:57]  We've got warships in the Gulf.
[00:41:59]  That's why they're going the opposite way.
[00:42:01]  They're doing like the Golden Bachelor.
[00:42:03]  Oh, this is interesting.
[00:42:04]  Like the old people bachelor.
[00:42:05]  It's feel good.
[00:42:06]  They're like, I'll look at these people before they die trying to find somebody they like.
[00:42:10]  It's a love story.
[00:42:10]  Yeah.
[00:42:11]  And off into the sunset.
[00:42:12]  That's it, dude.
[00:42:13]  Yep.
[00:42:14]  Because the divisive stuff, there was a time for that.
[00:42:16]  It's not anymore.
[00:42:18]  Not right now.
[00:42:18]  No, it's gotten too rough now.
[00:42:20]  Yeah.
[00:42:21]  The real world has gotten too rough.
[00:42:23]  You need to just do like things about nice stuff.
[00:42:26]  A lot of people, I asked my mom about the whole Israel-Palestine thing, and she was like, have you seen who moved to the next round that America's Got Talent?
[00:42:34]  That's the level.
[00:42:34]  She's like, they have a dog who juggles.
[00:42:36]  You know what I mean?
[00:42:37]  It's like, that's kind of where we're going towards.
[00:42:40]  Well, the dog's dead.
[00:42:42]  We don't know who killed it.
[00:42:43]  It was either a missile that misfired from the Palestinians or an airstrike from Israel.
[00:42:48]  That dog was in a hospital and now he's dead.
[00:42:50]  That dog has a Yamaka.
[00:42:52]  By the way, where are we at on the hospital?
[00:42:54]  Who bombed the hospital?
[00:42:56]  Who bombed the hospital?
[00:42:58]  This would be a segment.
[00:42:59]  Who bombed the hospital?
[00:43:01]  Who bombed the hospital?
[00:43:03]  We should have like a du-wa group.
[00:43:05]  Ooh, we, who bombed the hospital?
[00:43:09]  Ooh, we, who bombed the hospital?
[00:43:12]  500 dead.
[00:43:14]  Who bombed the hospital?
[00:43:16]  Everybody thinks it was Gaza, but we don't know.
[00:43:19]  Oh, they have visual analysis.
[00:43:20]  The visual analysis now saying maybe this was a misfired rocket from Hamas.
[00:43:27]  And you've been saying this the whole time.
[00:43:29]  To your credit, you've been traveling as well.
[00:43:33]  Yeah, you've been saying this the whole time, but I have been I've been unsure only because I like to get the facts.
[00:43:39]  You like to gather information.
[00:43:40]  I like to get the facts.
[00:43:42]  Savage fired right from the hip.
[00:43:43]  He had the whole honeycomb line thing.
[00:43:45]  He was fired.
[00:43:46]  But let's see.
[00:43:46]  Let's see.
[00:43:48]  Show us something that proves that this, please.
[00:43:50]  This is also from Al Jazeera, too.
[00:43:52]  Oh, humble.
[00:43:53]  This might be an ad.
[00:43:54]  Yeah, I just hold on.
[00:43:55]  Let's play our.
[00:43:56]  So Al Jazeera is, remember they first started getting big during bin Laden, right?
[00:44:03]  Iraq.
[00:44:03]  Yeah.
[00:44:04]  Yeah.
[00:44:04]  They aired Bin Laden's videos.
[00:44:06]  They were the first to the mixtape.
[00:44:07]  Right.
[00:44:08]  Yeah.
[00:44:09]  That's right.
[00:44:10]  They were.
[00:44:11]  Al Jazeera.
[00:44:12]  And now they're.
[00:44:13]  Okay.
[00:44:13]  So let's watch a little.
[00:44:15]  There it is.
[00:44:15]  Let's watch a little Al Jazeera.
[00:44:17]  There's the rocket.
[00:44:19]  The Al Jazeera news channel.
[00:44:22]  A rocket launch was visible on the frame that's looking out over the night sky.
[00:44:27]  From other cameras, we can clearly see the launch of multiple rockets.
[00:44:30]  The Al Jazeera camera shows one of them that appears to veer off and break apart in midair.
[00:44:36]  You can see, obviously, it fails in flight and spins out and disintegrates.
[00:44:39]  It is not surprising a number of weapons fail.
[00:44:41]  And it is well known that a number of weapons will drop inside Gaza and do drop inside Gaza and do unfortunately kill civilians in Gaza during this time.
[00:44:47]  It's not a surprise they failed.
[00:44:48]  It was made in America.
[00:44:50]  A small explosion seen on the ground in the distance.
[00:44:53]  And then two seconds later, a much larger explosion.
[00:44:57]  The time stamp that was on the screen, 6.59 p.m. local time, was the time that the hospital was struck.
[00:45:04]  Those timestamps are in a very small timeframe.
[00:45:08]  That rocket was definitely launched from within Gaza.
[00:45:12]  That a particular hospital based on a lot of geolocation patterns does seem to line up with that general geography.
[00:45:21]  I don't like her.
[00:45:23]  She's very condescending.
[00:45:24]  She's like telling us we're dumb for not knowing.
[00:45:27]  Is Hamas saying it's Israel?
[00:45:29]  Yes.
[00:45:30]  Yes.
[00:45:30]  But I mean, so there it is.
[00:45:33]  And listen, it's a horrible tragedy.
[00:45:36]  Like, obviously, we're here doing jokes because this is our job to be comedians, but this is not.
[00:45:42]  It's awful.
[00:45:42]  This is awful.
[00:45:43]  And this is crazy as shit.

=== Celebrities Want Attention (06:51) ===

[00:45:45]  You know what I mean?
[00:45:45]  Like, Jesus Christ.
[00:45:47]  This is inhuman and barbaric.
[00:45:49]  That was a good album cover, though.
[00:45:51]  The last one?
[00:45:55]  It's like Rage Against the Machine had a burning hair.
[00:45:58]  Had to slap a parental advisor.
[00:46:00]  So we're going to get a satwa against us pretty soon.
[00:46:04]  That was Mike Cannon.
[00:46:06]  Yeah, Mike Cannon.
[00:46:08]  So, but I have said to any Muslim listening who wants to kill me, I have said, I'm not convinced Israel didn't do this because maybe they have a really good propaganda machine.
[00:46:17]  I don't know.
[00:46:18]  But maybe it was a misfired rocket from Gaza.
[00:46:25]  Stop it.
[00:46:26]  I mean, I just feel like someone's going to take the who bomb the hospital out of context and auto-tune it, put a beat behind it.
[00:46:33]  That's going to be something new.
[00:46:36]  And then that's the album cover.
[00:46:44]  They said it was Gaza, but it wasn't.
[00:46:47]  But it's like, you know, I mean, you know, it's really crazy that you're looking at these real scenes of so much chaos, death, and destruction.
[00:47:04]  And, you know, you're powerless to do much about it.
[00:47:07]  Like, I know all these celebrities signed a letter and God bless.
[00:47:11]  Are we sure that didn't end everything though?
[00:47:13]  No, I think they started, but I think it was war.
[00:47:14]  I think people started really killing each other after that.
[00:47:18]  But I get it.
[00:47:18]  I understand people going, let's sign the letter.
[00:47:20]  But here's the problem.
[00:47:21]  It feels kind of like that imagined thing during COVID.
[00:47:23]  Sure, it does.
[00:47:24]  It feels a lot like that, right?
[00:47:26]  It's tough.
[00:47:27]  And I just don't think B.B. Netanyahu cares that Kate Blanchet.
[00:47:33]  And Hassan Minaj signed a letter.
[00:47:35]  You don't think Jessica Chastain's signature is going to be a matter of time?
[00:47:38]  I don't think it cares.
[00:47:39]  Gal Godot signed the letter, by the way, that said, kill them all.
[00:47:44]  So you want to talk about letters.
[00:47:46]  Entertainment industry A-listers sign a letter to Biden urging a ceasefire in Gaza.
[00:47:51]  And listen, I would agree with that, but you also have to release all of these hostages.
[00:47:59]  Yeah.
[00:48:00]  You have to do it.
[00:48:01]  Here's the thing.
[00:48:02]  Imagine this works and Biden is like truly taking any kind of advice from fucking celebrities.
[00:48:10]  No, their agent is going, will you sign this?
[00:48:13]  Yeah.
[00:48:14]  They go, okay, they're signing it.
[00:48:16]  I'm sure some of them are affected more than others.
[00:48:18]  Some of them, you know, like Mo Ammer, great comic, gave an impassioned speech, talked about this.
[00:48:23]  This is where he comes from.
[00:48:24]  These are his people.
[00:48:25]  There are people that are genuinely speaking out from their own experience.
[00:48:29]  They know people on the ground.
[00:48:30]  They know things that are happening that are real.
[00:48:33]  But then there's also a lot of celebrities that are just signing a letter because they want things.
[00:48:39]  Attention.
[00:48:40]  Yeah, well, they want attention.
[00:48:41]  They probably want this to end and stuff.
[00:48:43]  But the reality is, it's just like, I just don't know if this country or if any country has ever listened to celebrities signing a letter.
[00:48:52]  No.
[00:48:54]  I don't know that that's ever been a factor.
[00:48:57]  Well, I like that they tried singing Imagine.
[00:49:00]  They realized that backfired.
[00:49:01]  So they're like, let's go old school.
[00:49:02]  Let's do a letter.
[00:49:04]  Do you think Marilyn Monroe was sucking JFK's dick and giving him advice on the Bay of Pigs?
[00:49:10]  No, no, no.
[00:49:12]  But that's when people knew their place.
[00:49:14]  It was a simpler time.
[00:49:16]  Yeah.
[00:49:16]  A better time.
[00:49:16]  Yeah, it was.
[00:49:17]  No, but I mean, the reality here is that Hamas has got to go with releasing all of the hostages.
[00:49:24]  They got to say that.
[00:49:25]  And they got to release all the hot because otherwise Israel's not going to stop.
[00:49:28]  They'll just go to, it'll be World War III.
[00:49:30]  This is the reality.
[00:49:31]  And I know people are like, well, what about all that hostages in Palestine, the 2 million that Palestinian state?
[00:49:37]  They're not debating that now.
[00:49:38]  You might debate that in the future.
[00:49:39]  Let's stick to what's happening now, you retards, dumbest people in the world and message me.
[00:49:44]  Here's the thing, retard.
[00:49:46]  What you have to do now is you have to just end this immediate situation.
[00:49:50]  Anything else you want to do can only be done, dummies, after you end this immediate, horrible situation.
[00:49:59]  That's what you have to do.
[00:50:01]  Then you can do other things.
[00:50:03]  You're never going to do those other things without ending this immediate nightmare.
[00:50:08]  Yeah, then you go to the table.
[00:50:09]  Then you go to the table with other things and go, we need to figure something out.
[00:50:13]  That will never happen unless all those hostages aren't freed.
[00:50:16]  And then there is a ceasefire and Israel does not do a ground assault.
[00:50:20]  It's a big mistake to do a ground assault in Gaza.
[00:50:22]  It's urban warfare.
[00:50:23]  It's crazy.
[00:50:24]  It's trench.
[00:50:25]  It's a bad idea.
[00:50:26]  It's a bad, bad idea.
[00:50:28]  Yeah.
[00:50:28]  How could they possibly go in there with any confidence?
[00:50:31]  And then what happens?
[00:50:32]  You evict all these people, throw them out, then what?
[00:50:34]  What do you do?
[00:50:34]  Take over Gaza.
[00:50:35]  You run Gaza.
[00:50:36]  It'll never be a good idea.
[00:50:37]  Israeli troops will be sitting ducks for more attacks.
[00:50:41]  It's a very bad idea.
[00:50:42]  Thomas Friedman, the New York Times, I make fun of all the time, but he's right about this.
[00:50:46]  I make fun of him because he says dumb things.
[00:50:48]  He's like, the world has gone from connected to hyper-connect.
[00:50:51]  It's like, can you please?
[00:50:54]  There's all these word things I hate, but he's right about this.
[00:50:58]  It's a mistake to go into occupy it on the ground.
[00:51:01]  This is Iraq and Afghanistan.
[00:51:02]  This is all of this.
[00:51:03]  This is going into the mountains and the tunnels.
[00:51:05]  This is a bad idea.
[00:51:06]  Why would we do it?
[00:51:07]  This is a bad idea.
[00:51:08]  And they want us involved.
[00:51:10]  They want America involved.
[00:51:11]  They want American troops.
[00:51:12]  We're already footing the bill.
[00:51:14]  We're already footing the bill.
[00:51:15]  This is a big mistake.
[00:51:16]  You know, after 9-11, we did a lot of bad shit.
[00:51:19]  We destabilized a lot of countries.
[00:51:21]  And the reality of the situation is you don't want to make that mistake.
[00:51:24]  The question is, who do you think actually wrote that letter?
[00:51:27]  Who's the actual person who sat down and wrote that thing that they all signed?
[00:51:33]  Dear President Biden, we come together as artists and advocates, but most importantly, as human beings witnessing devastating loss of lives, unfolding horrors in Israel and Palestine.
[00:51:43]  It's probably UNICEF.
[00:51:44]  We believe that the United States can play a diplomatic role in ending the suffering.
[00:51:47]  We're adding our voices, those from the Congress, UNICEF, Doctors Without Borders, the International Committee of the Red Cross.
[00:51:52]  I imagine it's some UN subcommittee.
[00:51:56]  But we were talking about it last night that they, with the Imagine video, with stuff like this, they've almost become the anti-influencer where the things that they stand for, people are having an adverse reaction to it because it's disingenuous.
[00:52:09]  And because it's all over the fucking place, and because it's mostly self-serving.
[00:52:13]  So as soon as people see that the general celebrity populace is on board with something, they're automatically like, yeah, I'm off this.
[00:52:22]  There's nothing really that can be done for such a conflict that is so layered and it's been going on for so long.

=== The Box of Awesome (02:43) ===

[00:52:36]  You have a four-paragraph letter that says we would like it to stop.
[00:52:42]  Yeah.
[00:52:42]  Please.
[00:52:44]  And we're famous.
[00:52:45]  I mean, to be fair, that is how we started this show.
[00:52:48]  What?
[00:52:48]  By saying we would like it to end de-escalate and stop it.
[00:52:52]  Well, I've only said that.
[00:52:56]  I have said that as someone who the only reason I want it to stop is because I want to start a war there.
[00:53:04]  Oh, I want more bloodshed.
[00:53:07]  I'm for the death of children.
[00:53:09]  I'm going at it from the other way.
[00:53:11]  I want nukes.
[00:53:13]  I want a Christian crusade to kill them all.
[00:53:16]  All.
[00:53:17]  That's what I'm saying.
[00:53:19]  Where's the ad?
[00:53:20]  Do you have an ad now?
[00:53:23]  Anybody want to do an ad?
[00:53:24]  Anybody want to do an ad now?
[00:53:26]  I'm pro-Christian Crusade.
[00:53:28]  That's why I'd like this to stop.
[00:53:29]  So we can have time to lose weight so we can go in there.
[00:53:32]  No matter where your adventures take you this fall, Bespoke Post has a box of awesome to make it just that more awesome.
[00:53:37]  The box of awesome is filled with carefully chosen gear from the best small brands around the world.
[00:53:41]  Let's see what I got this month.
[00:53:42]  I got a box and it had all kinds of cool stuff.
[00:53:45]  It had some camping gear essentials and autumn cocktail upgrades.
[00:53:48]  It's had cozy threads.
[00:53:50]  Box of Awesome has collections for every part of your life.
[00:53:52]  To get started, take the quiz at boxofawesome.com.
[00:53:54]  Your answers will help them pick the right box of awesome for you.
[00:53:57]  They release new boxes a month across a ton of different categories.
[00:54:00]  Each box is valued at around $70, but you only pay a fraction of that price.
[00:54:04]  Plus, with each box of awesome, you're supporting small businesses.
[00:54:07]  90% of everything that comes in your box of awesome is from a small up-and-coming brand.
[00:54:10]  It's free to sign up and you can skip a month or cancel anytime.
[00:54:14]  Get 20% off your first monthly box when you sign up at boxofaw.com and enter the code Tim Dylan at checkout.
[00:54:19]  That's boxofawesome.com.
[00:54:21]  Code Tim Dylan for 20% off your first box.
[00:54:23]  Boxofawesome.com.
[00:54:25]  Code Tim Dylan.
[00:54:26]  T-I-M-T-I-L-L-O-N Endelig er det påske igjen Og mellom påskekrim og påskelam Anbefaler vi langfredagstako Med 400 gram svinnekjøtttein fra Nordfjord Før 69,90 Nå kun 49,90 Og til dessert Apelsiner Før 19,90 per kilo Nå kun 9,90 For det er slutsummen på kassalappen som teller Hos Rema 1000 Altid lagerpriser Jeg har fått sånn skikkelig heng opp Og brusketter de synes jeg Altså jeg tror tomat er favoritgrønnsakken min Ja!
[00:54:56]  Nå er det vel sånn at tomat teknisk sett er en frukt Ja, det er i hvert fall i utgangspunktet enkelt med frukt og grønt i hverdagen Med frisk og billig hos Rema 1000 Får du nemlig alltid lave priser på frukt og grønnsaker Blant annet halvannen kilo poteter For bare 19,90 Og 200 gram brokkolini For bare 19,90 Det er slutsummen på kassalappen som teller Hos Rema 1000 Altid lagerpriser By the way, get this story up.

=== Sending Fat Guys to Kill (11:36) ===

[00:55:20]  Most of the American military is fat, but who cares?
[00:55:23]  There's nothing more American than fat people killing others.
[00:55:26]  Do you know what?
[00:55:27]  So I went over there to perform for the troops.
[00:55:29]  You did.
[00:55:30]  And this was interesting.
[00:55:31]  I did.
[00:55:31]  And one of the most, one of the things that I had the toughest time grasping was that their meals, you know, we're getting free meals over there on the base, all that shit, but we're talking to them.
[00:55:41]  Their meals come out of their paycheck.
[00:55:44]  So they're fucking paying for their lunch, for their meals out of their own pockets.
[00:55:49]  That's absurd.
[00:55:51]  Isn't it fucking nuts?
[00:55:52]  That's absurd.
[00:55:54]  Right?
[00:55:55]  As soon as I expressed like, I mean, it's fine.
[00:55:59]  It's fine cafeteria food, but it's just, it is that.
[00:56:03]  Yeah, it's spaghetti and meatballs.
[00:56:05]  And somebody told me on a million, one of the military bases in Afghanistan, there was like 70,000 people.
[00:56:10]  They had like a whole boardwalk of like fast food restaurants and everything on the military base.
[00:56:13]  It was crazy.
[00:56:14]  There was one in Bahrain that was really like kind of the party base.
[00:56:18]  It didn't seem like anything was really going on there.
[00:56:20]  But yeah, that stuff was, they were paying for their food.
[00:56:24]  And then when we brought it up to them, they were kind of just like, no, that's like.
[00:56:27]  How was the show?
[00:56:28]  The shows were unbelievable.
[00:56:30]  They're the best shows I've ever done.
[00:56:31]  I did one on Veterans Day in a theater in Kuwait.
[00:56:35]  And they like presented us with all of these things being so grateful.
[00:56:38]  I had just gotten bit by a Marine dog that day.
[00:56:41]  You know, I put on the flack jacket.
[00:56:44]  I was kicking it and telling it to do its job.
[00:56:48]  And it was just an amazing time because they're very grateful.
[00:56:51]  Yeah, they were so grateful.
[00:56:52]  But then, you know, you see it.
[00:56:54]  And also the cafeteria, you think these people, they're soldiers, right?
[00:56:57]  They're doing intense, laborious shit.
[00:57:00]  They're going out there to fucking take care of business and they're feeding them sometimes like burgers and heavy shit.
[00:57:06]  And you're like, I understand the comforts of home and you need to remind them of that, but they should be fed like they're super athletes.
[00:57:13]  Let's not carbo load.
[00:57:14]  Yeah.
[00:57:14]  You know what I mean?
[00:57:15]  Yeah, maybe, but here's the deal.
[00:57:18]  They're just there to kill people.
[00:57:19]  Yeah.
[00:57:20]  Right?
[00:57:20]  At the end of the day, we're just there to kill people.
[00:57:24]  You know, I mean, we could dress it up any way we want.
[00:57:27]  Right.
[00:57:27]  But they're just there to kill.
[00:57:28]  Don't you want anything wrong with that?
[00:57:30]  Don't you want us to have abs while we do it?
[00:57:32]  No, I think it's actually funner and cooler if you send a bunch of fat guys over there to kill the kids.
[00:57:36]  They're pulling their shirts.
[00:57:37]  They're just there to kill 11-year-olds that they think might have bombs strapped to them.
[00:57:41]  So they're just going to shoot them in the face.
[00:57:43]  But I'm glad they enjoyed your show.
[00:57:48]  I'm kidding.
[00:57:50]  Military obesity rates soar, compounding recruitment challenges.
[00:57:54]  Services still struggling to find eligible applicants because everyone in the military now has gotten to be a big whale.
[00:57:59]  But here's the good news.
[00:58:01]  We're fighting high-tech wars with drones and all kinds of like precision weaponry.
[00:58:07]  We've invested so much money, billions, trillions of dollars into DARPA, the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency.
[00:58:15]  We have like alien technology happening.
[00:58:17]  We are so there's nothing more American than a fat guy playing a video game and wiping out people.
[00:58:24]  100%.
[00:58:25]  There's nothing more American than that.
[00:58:27]  Just a big fat slob just in a room, killing everyone.
[00:58:32]  Disconnected from the humanities.
[00:58:34]  I'm not into that SEAL team six where everybody's ripped up and SEAL training.
[00:58:38]  SEAL training should be nothing.
[00:58:40]  You know what SEAL training should be?
[00:58:41]  You should walk in a room.
[00:58:43]  They should hand you a Big Mac and they should go, they should put photos of people of all different ages and genders and everything and go, who won't you kill?
[00:58:52]  And then a guy's like, I'll kill them all.
[00:58:54]  They go, you're in.
[00:58:55]  You're a Navy SEAL now.
[00:58:57]  You push this button and just, oh, and that's what it is.
[00:59:02]  Because we need people to not be pussies.
[00:59:04]  We need them to press buttons and get it done.
[00:59:08]  We don't need hot people.
[00:59:10]  I mean, it's nice.
[00:59:11]  Yeah.
[00:59:12]  I'm old.
[00:59:12]  I guess I'm old school in that way.
[00:59:14]  I'm thinking about it boots on the ground.
[00:59:16]  But what you're saying is new, that's the new age war is just get slovenly people that are have no problem pressing a button.
[00:59:23]  They probably won't even feel it.
[00:59:24]  Their fingertips are numb.
[00:59:25]  I know there's some great people in the military, phenomenal people in the military.
[00:59:29]  And then I know some other people.
[00:59:30]  Yeah.
[00:59:31]  You know, just like cops for sure.
[00:59:34]  Yeah.
[00:59:35]  And it's a courageous thing to do.
[00:59:37]  We need a great military.
[00:59:38]  I don't have the balls to do it.
[00:59:39]  I respect everybody who does.
[00:59:41]  Yeah.
[00:59:41]  You know what I mean?
[00:59:42]  I used to suck off this 24-year-old Marine from Southern California who was kind of retarded.
[00:59:46]  Was he ripped, though?
[00:59:47]  He was ripped at a six-pack, but he was retarded.
[00:59:50]  Yeah.
[00:59:51]  And he didn't understand what was happening ever.
[00:59:54]  Yeah.
[00:59:54]  I'm not talking about, I mean, he wasn't that retarded.
[00:59:57]  But I mean, like, you know, he was just like, that was a dangerous.
[01:00:02]  He didn't understand what was happening.
[01:00:05]  There was no consent.
[01:00:06]  He's just playing with butterflies.
[01:00:09]  Everyone's pro-rape here.
[01:00:10]  We're all pro-rape.
[01:00:11]  I've got...
[01:00:13]  I mean, it's like Chris DeLee is doing that music festival in Israel next year.
[01:00:18]  Stop it.
[01:00:19]  Diana, I did it.
[01:00:21]  Diana said, I didn't even say it.
[01:00:23]  Here's the point.
[01:00:25]  There's a lot of people who are just, you know, they just, a lot of people just, I get it.
[01:00:30]  We're like, kill them.
[01:00:31]  They go, we got to do it.
[01:00:32]  And you got to do it.
[01:00:33]  I met a kid when I was over there.
[01:00:35]  He was 18 years old from Kansas.
[01:00:37]  He looked like a baby.
[01:00:38]  And I was talking to him.
[01:00:39]  I was like, so what do you do?
[01:00:40]  He's like, man, he's like, I wanted to be in fucking infantry.
[01:00:43]  I wanted to be on the ground.
[01:00:45]  He's like, turns out I'm fucking smart.
[01:00:47]  He's like, so now I'm behind a computer.
[01:00:49]  Yeah.
[01:00:50]  He's like livid that he doesn't get to kill people face to face.
[01:00:54]  But sometimes that's where they need to go.
[01:00:56]  People that want to kill others should go into our military.
[01:01:00]  Yeah.
[01:01:00]  That's because we don't want them doing that.
[01:01:02]  I mean, we have the best murderers and homicides in the world, right?
[01:01:07]  I mean, we should.
[01:01:07]  Well, we have good ones, but we've seen some shit.
[01:01:10]  Sure.
[01:01:10]  I mean, we send some of Chicago out there.
[01:01:12]  Yeah.
[01:01:13]  That's right.
[01:01:14]  That's a real boomer.
[01:01:15]  That's such a boomer.
[01:01:16]  You know, that's like a boomer, Long Island thing.
[01:01:18]  Hey, everybody, everybody in Chicago.
[01:01:21]  You go over there.
[01:01:24]  You kill people over there.
[01:01:25]  Instead of killing them in your backyard.
[01:01:28]  Guns are illegal there and look what's going on.
[01:01:30]  Bad dad.
[01:01:31]  You go over there.
[01:01:32]  You join the military.
[01:01:33]  That way, when you die, your family gets something for it.
[01:01:36]  Literally, it was once we were in a mall and this guy, this military recruiter, he went up to this guy and he was like, he's like, you should join the military.
[01:01:45]  And it was a black guy.
[01:01:46]  The black guy goes, where I'm from, there is a war.
[01:01:48]  And the military recruiter goes, yeah, but when you die overseas, at least your family got something for it.
[01:01:53]  Literally, he said that in the Long Island Mall.
[01:01:56]  Holy shit.
[01:01:57]  It's crazy.
[01:01:59]  So like, you know, the kid's like, all right, sorry.
[01:02:04]  I was like, it makes sense.
[01:02:05]  That guy killed Osama bin Laden.
[01:02:07]  Yeah.
[01:02:08]  But I mean, it's like, did you ever think about going into the military?
[01:02:11]  No, my friends, as a prank, signed me up for the Marines.
[01:02:15]  I'm not kidding.
[01:02:16]  They gave them, they went to a recruitment center and then they gave them my information, my phone number, my address, and they called multiple times a week for months.
[01:02:26]  And then what happened?
[01:02:26]  My mom got on the phone with them and they made good points.
[01:02:30]  And then my mom got on the phone with them and screamed until they signed up.
[01:02:34]  My son's a terrorist.
[01:02:36]  We have the same story.
[01:02:36]  My friends didn't.
[01:02:37]  I don't know if my friend signed me up, but I spent like 90 minutes on the phone with a recruiter because I just didn't know what was happening.
[01:02:43]  I was like shitting and just walking around my house talking to this guy.
[01:02:46]  And then my mom got on the phone and started screaming.
[01:02:48]  It was like, that's not coming.
[01:02:51]  It does feel like there is a thing of like, watch, I tell you, I'm watching Band of Brothers.
[01:02:55]  But there is something about that where you go, I watch that.
[01:02:58]  I watch even Full Metal Jacket.
[01:03:00]  You're supposed to get this feeling of like, war is hell.
[01:03:02]  This is all a thing.
[01:03:03]  I watch that.
[01:03:04]  I'm like, man, what camaraderie?
[01:03:05]  That looks, that looks good.
[01:03:06]  That's because you didn't play sports.
[01:03:08]  If you played team sports, you would have had that.
[01:03:09]  Can I say one thing that might not be great for everyone in the room?
[01:03:13]  Say it through Diana.
[01:03:14]  And my own career.
[01:03:16]  Everyone knows that trick.
[01:03:22]  I'm a very bad ventriloquist.
[01:03:25]  I'm leaving out the activities that happened when they landed.
[01:03:28]  Did the paragliders not look fun?
[01:03:33]  Just as if.
[01:03:33]  Like, was there a moment of fun?
[01:03:35]  No.
[01:03:35]  When you're doing...
[01:03:36]  I didn't even know that was a thing.
[01:03:38]  I never even knew that.
[01:03:40]  I don't want to do that to kill people.
[01:03:41]  I want to do it at like Sandals Resort.
[01:03:43]  Yeah.
[01:03:43]  Do you think a couple weeks were exclaimed?
[01:03:47]  I'm just saying it looked like, I thought it was like a fun.
[01:03:50]  If you saw that at South by Southwest, it was just like, look at this fun thing.
[01:03:54]  There should be some sort of squirrel suit, Red Bull helmet.
[01:03:58]  Yeah, I was like, this can't end in the murderer because it's just fun.
[01:04:02]  It looked fun.
[01:04:04]  You know?
[01:04:05]  But I'm happy that I love that our parents were like, our sons will not sacrifice one.
[01:04:11]  Were you ever close?
[01:04:12]  No.
[01:04:13]  No, no.
[01:04:15]  No, I remember after 9-11, I felt for a minute like it'd be cool to have a job as like a CIA agent.
[01:04:20]  This is when you don't know anything.
[01:04:21]  You're like 11th grade.
[01:04:23]  It'd be cool to do something that mattered because like you're like, fuck, you know, things are real now.
[01:04:28]  And I want to do something that matters, like be in the military or work for like a top secret, you know?
[01:04:34]  And then that wears off within months.
[01:04:36]  Yeah.
[01:04:37]  My roommate in college was doing like ROTC and signing up.
[01:04:41]  And he was like six foot five.
[01:04:43]  He looked like a G.I. Joe and he was excited beyond belief about going over to Afghanistan.
[01:04:50]  Like he was.
[01:04:51]  Well, there's a lot of guys that join for patriotic reasons.
[01:04:53]  They go, we want to help and we want to like actually like, you know, we don't want this shit to happen, right?
[01:04:59]  Do we need a military as much as we get around about it?
[01:05:01]  We need people to go over there and fuck shit up when people threaten us 1,000%.
[01:05:06]  We just need to put them in winnable situations.
[01:05:10]  He would often talk about the excitement of killing, like looking forward to killing people.
[01:05:15]  Yeah.
[01:05:15]  I mean, that's watching the breath.
[01:05:18]  I mean, he said that.
[01:05:19]  He was also that.
[01:05:20]  The way he described it was, you know, a very specific slur.
[01:05:25]  But yeah, I mean, he was out of it.
[01:05:27]  But it was out of patriotism.
[01:05:29]  It was.
[01:05:29]  Yeah.
[01:05:30]  And that's nice.
[01:05:31]  Yeah.
[01:05:32]  You need somebody.
[01:05:33]  You need, you know.
[01:05:34]  You know, people, when I was driving in a tunnel, and because I was, by the way, I was about to be married to a big Egyptian.
[01:05:45]  And it was about to be a Muslim in the British royal family.
[01:05:48]  So MR6 and the Masaud had me killed in the tunnel.
[01:05:53]  And they said that the press did it, which never made any sense to anybody.
[01:05:58]  They said that the press, the people with cameras caused my limousine to crash.
[01:06:04]  And that's not true.
[01:06:06]  And now my son has married a black girl.
[01:06:09]  All right.
[01:06:09]  You know, this is not right in the cup.
[01:06:13]  This is not what we want.
[01:06:15]  This is not what we want.
[01:06:17]  This is a fun episode.
[01:06:19]  Do we think this stays on YouTube?
[01:06:20]  Do you think they'll leave this on YouTube?
[01:06:24]  Do you think this will stay on YouTube?
[01:06:26]  I think it'll get all the gates.
[01:06:27]  It'll get H-gated and we'll get ad suitability readed, everything.
[01:06:31]  Yeah.
[01:06:31]  It'll get blocked.
[01:06:32]  But maybe for a couple, it'll be good.
[01:06:34]  But that means it's good.
[01:06:35]  It was a good run.
[01:06:36]  Yeah.
[01:06:37]  That means it's good.
[01:06:38]  All right.
[01:06:39]  I'll be back solo next week, but I really like these guys.
[01:06:41]  So I figured we would go and have a lot of fun.
[01:06:43]  And I think we've done that.
[01:06:44]  Yeah.
[01:06:44]  At a good time.
[01:06:45]  I think we've done that.
[01:06:46]  And that's all we can do.
[01:06:47]  Your new special.
[01:06:48]  Tell people where to get him.
[01:06:50]  New comedy special, youtube.com slash Mike Feeney Comedy.
[01:06:53]  It's Mike Feeny at Night at the Comedy Cellar.
[01:06:55]  I directed it and edited it.

=== November Tour Dates (01:27) ===

[01:06:57]  It's out on October 27th.
[01:06:58]  Please go watch it.
[01:06:59]  Mike Cannon live dates coming up.
[01:07:02]  Live dates.
[01:07:02]  Also, I'm the co-host of Chrissy Chaos with Chris DeStefo.
[01:07:05]  Chris DeStefano.
[01:07:07]  That's going to be super fun.
[01:07:08]  In November, I'm going to be in Levittown, Long Island.
[01:07:11]  Governor's governor's baby.
[01:07:12]  When is that?
[01:07:13]  November 3rd and 4th.
[01:07:14]  Are you in town?
[01:07:15]  I'm in Rochester November 3rd.
[01:07:17]  But November 4th, I may just pull up to hang out.
[01:07:20]  Come hang.
[01:07:20]  Yeah.
[01:07:21]  For sure.
[01:07:21]  That'll be a good time.
[01:07:22]  And then I'm being DC in December, December 8th and 9th.
[01:07:26]  I got some Florida dates as well, but I'm all over the road.
[01:07:29]  And yeah, mycanoncomedy.com for all that.
[01:07:31]  TimDillcomedy.com, we're on sale very soon with shows in Boston and DC and all these places.
[01:07:38]  But Rochester, New York, Pittsburgh, Houston, San Diego, Toronto, Austin, Brea, Columbus, Pennsylvania, Washington, Northfield, Ohio, San Antonio, Dallas, Atlanta, St. Louis, Indianapolis, Boston, and then Foxwoods.
[01:07:55]  We also have dates coming in London, Dublin, Glasgow, or Edinburgh, and Manchester, maybe?
[01:08:06]  I don't know.
[01:08:07]  Anyway, and that'll be the end of the tour for the next two, three months.
[01:08:10]  That's it.
[01:08:10]  We do appreciate it.
[01:08:12]  And thank you, everybody, for listening.
[01:08:14]  And again, we hope this stays available.
[01:08:17]  It will, I think.
[01:08:19]  Ears open.
[01:08:21]  Yeah.
[01:08:22]  All right.
[01:08:23]  Thank you, everyone.
[01:08:23]  Good night.