Tim examines the writers strike from both sides, a struggling Bay Area grocery store, a new influencer in the Navy and why you should go to Yard House for your birthday.
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Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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Alt-Right Soundcheck Satire00:01:28
Check, check, Jews.
Jews, Jewish people.
Is it popping?
Just funny like an alt-right podcast who writes soundtracks, you know?
They're like, white, white people, people, white people, Jews.
Is it popping when I say Jewish people?
That's the bit we're doing about if an alt-right podcast was doing a soundcheck.
Welcome to the Tim Dylan show.
Thank you very much for listening, for watching, for consuming, for digesting this content.
Thanks to those two dudes, Harry and Chris, that came on for our little bonus episode.
We had fun.
We had so much fun hanging out with them.
They're awesome fucking dudes.
They do trigger a lot of people that supposedly can't be triggered.
It's the right-wing people got so mad.
And they're young.
They're in their early 20s.
And they're yelling about Biden.
And they do it in a cringy way, but that's the point.
That's the whole point.
Look at all the attention that you're giving them.
And they're actually off, you know, when they're not going like Biden's, you know, Biden's coming, bitches, which is what they do, which I get.
They're awesome dudes.
And now we're all friends.
So, you know, and no one's happy about it.
I'm sure like their people are not happy about it.
Warner Writers Demand Pay00:15:45
And my people might not love it.
But, and everyone's like, oh, you destroyed them.
I'm like, we had an argument.
I don't think they were destroyed.
There's people that will agree with them.
There's people that will agree with me.
Am I a better talker?
Yeah, I'm fucking 38.
I get paid millions of dollars every year to talk.
I hope I'm better than a 20-year-old TikToker.
That doesn't mean I'm right.
I'm right for other reasons.
That's the thing about debates.
Debates aren't who's right or wrong.
It's who can talk and I can talk.
But awesome dudes and respect the hell out of them for coming on the show.
And, you know, really cool.
And I'm going to, I'll make a TikTok with them when we're in the same area.
But let's talk now about this WGA strike.
It is directly affecting me.
These are the issues I care about.
These are the issues.
I have deals in this town now because I got something going on.
I got something going on now for the first time in years.
And people are, we're excited about projects and these projects have, they've grinded to a halt because of the WGA, the Writers Guild of America.
And I support them.
I'm in full solidarity with them.
However, I do have to maybe try to negotiate something because I don't have faith that the people doing this are going to be able to do it.
So I have to do it.
The Writers Guild is angry because they're not making the money they want to make.
And the streamers, Netflix, Amazon, Paramount, Hulu, Disney, Fox, and others, they have the money.
And the writers go, we want more of the money.
So here is the demands of the writer.
Now, I, this is the way I look at the strike.
Number one, there's not a ton of great entertainment on TV right now or in the streamers right now.
There's not an amazing amount, right?
There's not a lot of it that's great.
Now, so, you know, that's something that we all have to acknowledge too during this strike.
We are in a recession.
Disney just laid off 7,000 jobs.
IBM's laying off jobs.
AI is taking over a lot of people's jobs a lot.
And the show, and people go, but can AI write La Brea, the show about the hole that opened in Los Angeles, where people fall through it and they end up somewhere else.
Could AI do that?
And the answer is perhaps.
The answer is could AI, could artificial intelligence write the show Librea about people falling through a hole into a different world and then falling in love and getting angry at each other.
Could that happen?
Perhaps.
I don't know.
I don't know.
What we are seeing now is a, you know, AI has now become real.
ChatGPT is real.
The idea of this is not as far off as it once was.
This is actually something that you could imagine writing shows.
So this is what they want.
The pattern of demands is a constitutionally required statement of general objectives.
These are the general objectives.
Increase minimum compensation significantly to address the devaluation of writing in all areas of television, new media, and features.
No, we can't do that.
That one we can't do.
I'm speaking now for, I'm speaking now because I know, because these are my friends, the billionaires.
I'm speaking now for them because I wear the glasses that they wear.
Do you understand?
Do you have a furry polo thing that's 3X and it was bought in a bin?
Vanilla?
I'm going to tell you what we can do and what we cannot do.
This doesn't mean I'm the person who's representing the billionaires, but I'm for the writers.
So it's easy to get confused here.
I'm in solidarity with the communists that don't want to work.
I'm kidding.
It's a comedy podcast.
I'm in solidarity with writers, but I'm representing the billionaires in this exercise to help everybody come to the table.
Do you understand yes or yes?
You get it, right?
I want the writers to win, even though many of them have called me a Nazi on Twitter.
I want the writers to win, but I'm also representing the billionaires.
First, first demand, increase minimum compensation significantly.
That cannot, no, that is not going to happen.
I understand why you would want that.
We are not going to do that.
Standardize compensation in residual terms for features, whether released theatrically or on streaming.
This is an interesting one.
Also, no.
Also, no, because we can't, if it's on streaming or if it's in the feature, it's different.
We don't know what's going, how it'll all play out.
So what we need to do is not establish any type of uniform standard about how much money you should get paid.
Address the abuses of mini rooms.
Now, I like this.
We can do this.
Now, mini rooms mean tiny little rooms of tiny writers and they're abused because they're small and they put them in a small place and nobody likes that.
We can do a larger room for them.
And I think that's, we can put in the contract right now.
Mini rooms become major rooms or mega rooms.
We'll take five or six writers and we'll put them in a very large room and let them do what they want, but we cannot pay them anymore.
Ensure appropriate television series writing compensation throughout the entire process of pre-production, production, and post-production, meaning from the pilot to the, you know, oh, we're gearing up to do it to the actual doing of it to, So this is, it's kind of like when you think about abortion with the chart and you go, you know, 15 weeks and this and that.
And, you know, post-production is like late-term abortion.
You know, here's what I think about this.
I think we can we can make sure, ensure appropriate television series writing compensation throughout the entire process.
We can't do it for the entire process from the people that I've spoken to.
We can do it for a week, any week you want.
And I think this is a good thing.
Whether it's pre-production, post-production, actual production, we will for one week during the production, make sure you're appropriately compensated for one week during the process.
The week is up to you.
But if it takes 17 weeks or something to get something happening, we can't one week.
We'll do it.
Expand span protections to cover all television writers.
I don't know what that is.
And I, so we're not doing it.
Apply MBA minimums to comedy variety programs made for new media.
Like should a show on Snapchat about two people that are dating despite one of them not having a face because they're on Snapchat.
You've seen these shows where the person's face caves in, but they have a wife and they're in India.
I think that's what this is talking about.
I don't know.
What I imagine this is talking about is that's a new type of new media, Snapchat, and that's a comedy variety show.
Now, some sick fucks will find it funny, but it's really a variety program.
It's like it'll be a man who's like a snake.
It's like he has no bones and he's a snake with a head, but he has a kind of a regular looking wife.
She ain't great.
But those are the shows on Snapchat.
One of them is called Born Different.
And it's like somebody who just goes, I don't have a nervous system, but I'm here and this is my wife.
And they're saying, should people get paid to write those?
I don't know.
But maybe.
I kind of enjoy them sometimes.
So maybe we'll give them money for that.
Increase residuals for undercompensated reuse markets.
Like when it's, you know, the thing is we're going to use it again.
No.
Pension plan and health fund.
Increase contributions to pension plan and health fund.
Here's the thing.
No.
But because too many of them smoke cigarettes, too many writers I see in the Silver Lake at the Echo Park area are always smoking cigarettes outside of a cafe.
I don't think we can increase the contributions to the health plan.
For feature contracts, okay, some of this is boring.
We got to do something here where we're like, let's like, we're not getting rid of chat GPT.
You're not getting rid of AI.
Like a lot of people are going, we want no AI.
That's what they want, right?
No AI.
That's not realistic.
We can do no people from the Netherlands, like no Dutch people in a writer's room.
We can exclude races of people much easier than we can exclude artificial intelligence because that's just the, that's the new game in town.
But we could say like no Eastern Europeans because they creep everyone out.
That's fair.
Let's negotiate along those terms.
Now, what are the top shows on TV right now?
This is how we're going to make this decision because SAG is going to strike the union I'm a member of.
I'm the Screen Actors Guild.
I'm an actor on the screen, like unlike many of you.
I'm an actor on the screen and I'm participating in many different projects right now.
So I don't know.
I'm just saying I'm looking at these shows.
And this is what that beef with Ali Wong.
She's done well, huh?
Why don't I have more Asian fans, to be honest?
All I do is talk about China, how much I love China, my Chinese godson.
And, you know, Matt Reif, they're saying, has all these Asian fans.
This is what I'm being told is Matt Reif now is huge in China and I'm nowhere.
I like Matt Reif, but does he know who President Z is?
I do nothing but advocate for Z and I have nothing.
No Asians come.
Very few Asians.
One Asian fan to me is worth 1,000 whites.
It's true.
So if you come to my show and you're Asian, man, I am, I'm happier than you'll ever know.
Well, I hope the writer's strike is okay.
I don't know what's going to happen, but I'm just saying that it's going to be pretty difficult to get everybody to the table because I think when the writers have a good point, these streamers are making a lot of money.
Let's see what all of these people make because the writers keep focusing on the CEOs of these companies like David Zaslav and Ted Sarandos at Netflix.
Shout out to Ted.
My special's on there.
I'm not even talking to these hoes, Ted.
But, you know, everybody is like, you know, what's the average salary of a TV writer in America?
$62,000 a year?
That's the average.
That's not great.
But I know a lot of them that make a lot more, but I understand what they mean.
They want more money.
It's fair.
Now, go to, there's a chart here that'll show you what all the CEOs of the streamers make.
You can easily find it because that's what these writers are saying.
They're like, why should this guy who's running Warner Brothers make more than me?
I'm the fourth writer on Abbott Elementary.
Why should the guy who runs Warner Brothers make more money than me?
I wrote on a failed pilot three years ago about a gym teacher who discovered square dancing and got all the kids to square dance and Hulu bought it, but it didn't work.
And I don't know why I don't also have a yacht.
Ari Emmanuel, CEO of Endeavor, 308 million.
David Zaslov, Discovery CEO, and this is what they all made last year, 246 million.
Bob Iger, 45 million.
Bob Chaypak, Disney, 32 million.
Igers Disney as well.
Murdoch, 31 million at Fox.
Reed Hastings, 40 million at Netflix.
Sarandos, 38 million at Netflix.
Brian Roberts, Comcast CEO, 30 million.
They're doing, hey, they're doing well.
They're doing well.
And I understand the writers going, we want more because they're getting a lot of money.
They're making a lot of money.
The Discovery CEO, this guy, David Zaslov, $250 million last year.
He did well.
How did he make that much money?
What happened over there?
Who even watched his Discovery?
There's got to be something else.
He's got to have something else going on.
Is he Warner Brother?
He's Warner Brothers too, right?
Discovery CEO?
David Zaslov?
What does he do?
Can't just be Discovery.
Yeah, he was.
Oh, yeah, so it's Warner Bros. Discovery.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, that, yeah, of course.
Okay.
He's the CEO of Warner Brothers, and all these writers are men, and I get it.
And Adam Conover is going, why does he have the money and I don't?
I did the show where I talk about people's water.
I understand that.
Because I do the show where I talk about where people's water comes from.
And that's good.
But he's going to have a little more than you.
But I think Conover should be given more money for the show he did about what it was the Adam Ruins everything where he'd go in and somebody would go, I think, I don't know what that he would like expose things.
He'd be like, the suburbs are racist.
And people would be like, okay.
And then he would tell you how.
And that's fun.
That's fun and it's funny.
It's funny and it's fun.
And that's the type of programming people will pay to see.
That's what I pay to see.
When I'm sitting at home after a long day, I want to know about how racist the suburbs are.
That makes, that's fun.
Get the family, gather around.
This is great content.
So, hey, I want them all to make money, these writers.
I do, And it's not, you know, this is, I know that I'm being satirical here, but I really, I want them, I want everyone to be okay.
But David Zaslov is more productive than many of you, because I know some of you.
I know some of you.
And I think the CEO of Warner Brothers is probably more productive than you.
Non-Lethal Gas for Banks00:03:47
Okay.
What if they got tough?
What if like Zaslov and these guys started getting tough and going like, let's send people down to the picket lines with bats?
You know?
Wouldn't this be crazy if it got like that?
It would be nuts.
It would be entertaining.
No one cares less about this strike than America, but they should.
Because shows like Outer Banks, which is about people in North Carolina that are kind of like hot pirates.
But it's a show about, it's like Beverly Hill's not a 2-0, but they're poor and they live in North Carolina.
Someone's writing that.
Some genius.
Some genius is writing that.
So I'm just saying you're barking up the wrong artificial intelligence tree because ChatGPT might be able to do that.
They might be able to write Outer Banks.
You have no idea.
They might give you an Outer Bank script.
Can you get an Outer Bank script up right now?
I'm just going to see if ChatGPT can do it.
I bet they can do it.
Outer Banks is one of the biggest shows on Netflix.
It is a tremendously popular show with the young demo, the taste cluster, just like Wednesday or any of these other shows that are atrocious.
Now, is this Outer Banks?
This is the pilot, yeah.
Okay, this is the pilot.
It won't work if you don't apply yourself.
Okay, so here's what's happening.
A teenage kid stands with his heels over the edge of a balcony without a railing.
Behind him, we see the curve of the coastline, moonlight on the dark ocean.
The kid is holding a beer can, wearing a t-shirt that reads, bad brains.
A neck gator around his head gives him a surfy unabomber vibe.
This is John B.
A combo plate of Lloyd Dobler, Ferris Bueller, and Matt Dylan from The Outsiders.
Two parts, eccentric nonconformist.
One part, angry young man.
I'm in already.
It won't work if you don't apply yourself.
It's like all that went to the same pep talk training camp.
A friend, Pope, 16, African-American, love child of Mr. Spock and a deadpan comedian, watches laconically.
If you fall, you have a 12.5% chance of living.
John B, then I won't fall.
And I am applying myself, just not the way they want.
Boom.
Can ChatGPT do this?
Can ChatGPT do this?
Because if it can, you're all in the street.
You're all going to be in the street.
Now, I don't want you to be in the street.
I want them to pay you fairly.
That's why I was with David Zazlov last night.
We were at the Beverly Hills Hotel and he goes, can we use a non-lethal gas on them?
I said, David, yes.
But absolutely.
He goes, because I don't like seeing them outside my office.
And I go, absolutely.
I go, but, but, but, David, let's think about this for a second.
He goes, non-lethal.
I go, I understand that.
He goes, just disorients them.
And then I called Reid Hay.
I texted Reid Hastings.
I said, me and David are thinking about a non-lethal, disorienting gas.
And he goes, LOL.
And he was with Tad and he goes, LOL, having exact same convo right now.
They were at Craigs.
We all meet up and we start talking about different types of gas.
David knows someone in the CIA who can get us the gas.
This is what we're thinking about doing.
Navy Tech and Madness00:15:57
Now, this isn't right, but this is the ideas that we have right now.
It's a non-lethal gas that will disorient them and will make them seem crazy and scary to the general public, thereby making all of their, all their prop.
It's a big propaganda win for the billionaires if we can disorient the writers and make them seem like drug addicts and lunatics.
This is why during the 1960s, when the anti-war movement was mainly led by priests and like kind of respectable members of society, the CIA was like, we need these people on acid immediately.
All of a sudden, all these people started doing acid.
They were running around naked, you know, jumping in mud puddles.
And America went, wait, they're against the war.
The war must be good.
Vietnam must be good.
These crazy people are against it.
So what we're trying to do, and again, not me, but I'm just a friend.
These are my friends.
I don't ditch my friends in like weird time.
You know what I mean?
And so what we're trying to do right now is introduce kind of a poison that would spread by touching because many of them are touching each other.
And it would disorient them, would make them behave erratically.
Because if they can start behaving erratically at these things, but I don't know what I'm going to do without my Saturday night life.
Do you, America, pay them more?
What else were we talking about the other day that made me laugh?
I love everyone in the writer's room, by the way.
And I want, you know, everybody, everybody is, everybody's okay with me.
I want to talk about this because Whole Foods is having a real problem here in San Francisco.
Tech workers have stayed home.
This is in the New York Times.
Ongoing social problems downtown are forcing civic and business leaders to confront harsh realities about the pandemic recovery.
What's happening right now in Whole Foods, from what I understand, is this is what's going on in Whole Foods.
Guns, knives, and sticks.
They fling food, screamed, fought, tried to defecate on the floor.
These are the homeless.
So the homeless have taken over a Whole Foods in downtown San Francisco.
Many of the good people there, the good tech people, the progressive good people, are trying to go in and to get their kale, Caesar salad and such.
And instead, they're confronted with the reality of someone defecating, which means shitting, on the floor and flinging food and maybe flinging excrement at them.
And then they have to go home and go, I just left Whole Foods and I'm covered in shit, which nobody wants to say that.
When Whole Foods opened, it was supposed to be for the white.
That's who it was for.
Let's cut it out.
It was for the white.
Let's be honest.
Kind of like nerdy, hipstery, progressive, liberal, organic food eating, vegan, socially conscious, environmentally sound, perfect human, right?
They're saying that.
I'm not saying that.
Now those people are being disturbed by bleeding, homeless, sores, vagrancy, disgusting, the smell of rotting flesh in Whole Foods in San Francisco.
Here are some of the reports that 911 has gotten.
Male with machete is back.
Another security guard was just assaulted.
A man with a four-inch knife attacked several security guards, then sprayed store employees with foam from a fire extinguisher.
In September, a 30-year-old man died in the bathroom from an overdose of fentanyl, a highly potent opioid and methanacetamine.
This does not sound like a good place to get groceries.
It sounds like an insane asylum.
But is this just the price you pay for being a good person?
If you're a good person, shouldn't you walk into a place like this and take a look at everything going on around you and go, this is just the price of me being a good guy.
I'm a good person.
And if I get stabbed or if I have to walk over a dead body on the way to get some quinoa, is that the biggest deal?
Is it such a big deal?
I don't know.
I don't know if it's such a big deal.
I think this is just the way the world is going to go.
There are going to be people that mind this and people that don't.
There are going to be people that, now I'm going to be honest, I'm not perfect.
I mind.
I mind the blood and the guts and the killing.
I don't like it.
I can't get with it.
But many people, I'm sure there are comments on this article.
There are people that are going to say, so what?
Everyone has a bad day.
So what?
He showed up with a machete.
He's just trying to protect himself from the cops.
They're the real problem.
Not the man with the machete.
People overdose.
It's sad.
People are going to go, it's sad that someone's overdosing in the bathroom.
It's actually sad.
It's actually very sad.
That's what it is.
Let's do nothing about it.
Let's do nothing about it except recognize how tragic and sad it is.
And then let more of it happen.
But we can't do anything.
It's sad.
It's unfortunate.
It's sad.
It's regrettable.
It shouldn't happen, but it does.
And it will.
And we can do nothing but stand by and walk over the bodies.
Walk over the corpse on your way to get a smoothie.
So now Whole Foods is supposed to cater to the workers and other professionals of the tech, the city's tech.
Of course.
Of course.
We know who.
Are you telling me Whole Foods wasn't set up for guys with machetes?
Are you telling me that people on fentanyl aren't really looking at the organic food options at Whole Foods?
Yeah, this was set up for the people that are fleeing San Francisco in droves.
This is the problem, man.
This guy tragically died on the New York City subway.
This guy, Jordan Neely, he was a Michael Jackson impersonator and he was yelling at everyone on the train.
And then the Marine choked him and killed him.
Now, I don't know the specifics of this.
You know, we don't want anyone to die, right?
But the problem is when you have violent mental patients running around cities, screaming in people's faces, you're going to get, you're going to have altercations.
And then the result of some of those altercations inevitably is going to be that people are going to die or get maimed or get hurt, okay?
Okay.
I have to talk to everyone like they're five.
Okay.
Sit Indian style around.
And I'm going to tell you why it's not a good idea to have violent psychopaths running around the city.
Okay.
Everyone.
And then we'll have nap.
But it's not a good idea because people are going to take things into their own hands.
See?
Like the Marine who choked the guy to death.
People do that because people feel like, well, hey, cops aren't figuring it out.
Guys on here being a lunatic.
Was it justified?
I don't know what the guy was doing.
I'm saying at the end of the day, I have a fucking cold again.
Everyone's going to go, he's on Coke.
See?
I did.
I got it to Whole Foods.
But the reality is, this is why you cannot have anarchy and chaos in the streets.
This is why.
Now, losers fetishize anarchy and chaos because they so hate civilization that anything that's destroying civilization isn't is a good.
So somebody taking shit in the Whole Foods buffet or a Michael Jackson impersonator screaming in everyone's face in the train or any lunatic at all, guy with machete, whoever, they're all, they're all forces for good because there's a lot of people that hate civilization and want it to end immediately.
So for those people, there is no reasoning with them.
You can't talk to them.
You can't explain it to them.
Those are the people who say when the Whole Foods article comes out, they go, so what?
So what?
Just a couple of security guards that got stabbed, you know, and you can't explain it to them.
We've got to figure out something to do with these violent psychopaths.
They should start writing for television and streaming.
100%.
Their ideas are better.
They've had more life experience than these writers and they will not strike.
I'm telling you, David Zaslov, listen to me.
Start hiring.
Put one homeless psychopath in every writer's room.
Give them everything they want.
Give them everything they want on that fucking contract.
And then say, and we got another one.
You know how you want to employ people and defund the police?
And well, here's how we do that.
We're going to put one homeless, drug-addicted psychopath in every writer's room.
And you guys are going to deal with it.
You are going to deal with it.
And I bet they'll have great ideas.
And I bet they'll be interesting.
They might not always be appropriate.
They might not know, they might not address everyone by the correct pronoun, but I will say, you take a guy with a machete out of Whole Foods and you have him write for La Brea, that show's getting better.
That show's getting 150% better.
Because he's going to be like, this doesn't feel like real life.
Nobody's shitting on the street.
I'll tell you this.
I'm a little, I'm a little, you know, this is so predictable that this would happen.
Unfortunately, it's very predictable that these types of things happen.
U.S. Navy hires an active duty drag queen to be the face of recruitment drive.
This is a good idea.
This is a great idea because, number one, anyone joining the military right now, I mean, come on.
At this point, haven't you figured out a better way to get your college paid for than this?
And college now is fake.
It does nothing for anyone going, I went to college and the military paid.
It doesn't even matter anymore, right?
So joining the military now, and respect to those who do it.
We need a military.
But many of the people who are joining it right now are, can we say they're out of options?
Not all of them, but some of them.
They're completely out of options, okay?
And it's obvious because the military is not hitting their recruitment goals, meaning that people aren't joining.
People don't want it.
They don't want it.
They don't want to go to the Ukraine.
They don't want to fight in Sudan.
They don't want it.
They don't, they go, this doesn't feel like, you know, something that I want to be a part of anymore.
So in order to entice people back into the military, the U.S. Navy hired an active duty drag queen to be the face of the recruitment drive because we should, you know, drag queens, a lot of them are strapping men.
This may not be the most effective way to get people in there, but maybe it is.
Maybe it is.
Who's joining the Navy?
Who is excited to join the Navy?
Okay.
All right.
I don't know who's joining the Navy.
I don't know why anyone would join the military right now.
I mean, I know that it's like whatever.
I know that we need a military.
And I get that people love the country and want to, but is that why people join it?
But like, I just, I don't understand.
Like, maybe you need to get, this is a way to get drag queens into the Navy because I'm not joining the Navy.
I don't know anyone who's joining the Navy.
You're going to fight for Taiwan in six months?
I'm not saying that's a bad thing.
But listen, that's what's about to happen.
You know, it's not enticing.
That's not exciting.
Now the drag queen going, we're going to have fun.
We're going to fucking cut up.
You can dress like anything you want.
You know, I mean, maybe that's the best way to go here.
Maybe, maybe it's like, oh, the military is too woke.
Maybe it's not woke enough.
Maybe it's not woke enough.
Maybe you need all of these woke people in the military.
Maybe you need to make the military appealing to other groups of people.
It's not appealing to most people I know, to be honest with you.
Most people I know are not looking to join right now.
They're not.
You know, we've been told too many lies about these wars and what these wars mean and why we're fighting them.
And I think a lot of people are under the impression that these wars benefit a very small group of people that make a lot of money from them, but they're not really vital to our national security and vital to our national interest.
So I think that's why a lot of people go, I'm going to work at Panera instead.
And I get the soup.
Wendicunt comes in with the minivan full of kids and she goes, excuse me.
And you go, I'll get her the soup.
I'll get her the apples slices for the kids.
I'll get her a little bread.
I'll get her the thing because I don't want to fight a war and die so that people can make more money.
That doesn't, now, obviously we need a military, but this is why you can't lie to them, right?
This is why you can't put them in unwinnable situations.
This is why you can't give them shit fucking health coverage when they come back home.
This is why you can't, you know, ignore a suicide crisis amongst the military.
Cannon Fodder for the Rich00:03:42
And maybe those military members that are killing themselves when they get home are doing it because they're all trans.
We haven't thought of that.
Maybe the whole military is trans anyway.
And when they come home from these wars, they kill themselves not because of the horrors that they witnessed overseas at war.
Maybe it's because they have not been given access to trans affirming care.
We might have a trans military already.
Most of the people in the military.
I know someone in the military that's kind of trans.
I'm not going to go into more of that.
I'm just saying.
I'm just saying.
People get into weird shit.
People get into, not the trans is weird shit, but people get into interesting shit when they spend a lot of time overseas in different cultures.
People get into very interesting stuff.
So I don't think this is necessarily a bad idea to just try to recruit people that have interesting, weird fetishes.
I would go after, and I'm not equating this with drag queens, but I'm saying I would go after furries.
Why is there not a furry who's like, I joined the military and I'm fucking, they call me fly fox or whatever, you know?
Why not have a furry?
Why not have, you know, like, why not go after people that are a little different and try to get them into the military?
Because really, there's that, I mean, what's the hook now, right?
It always was get the college paid for forever, but now no one cares about colleges, right?
So what's the hook now?
Fight for your freedom.
No one believes that.
But if people go, I can be drag in the military and get to, and have a gun and get to kill people, that's pretty cool.
I'm a killer dre.
I'm a drag queen that kills.
I slay, but literally slay.
Like I slay for real.
I slay children.
I slay brown kids that pissed us off.
Why not?
That's a good idea.
That's what the military should be because the military is not going to be mainstream people right now.
Life is too good here.
People aren't joining the fucking military.
They're going at their fucking post-mitting sushi and playing guitar or whatever the hell you do.
Like people, they're not going to do it.
So you got to go to people that have had it hard.
Drag queens have had it hard.
They've taken some abuse.
They've taken some shit.
Our military should, we should be, Biden should get out and have the balls to say, in five years, we want an all-drag military.
We want to begin the transition to a permanent drag military because they've dealt with shit and they've had it hard.
You know, it should be the military should be in cells.
It should be drag queens.
It should be people that have been through shit, people that are on the margins of society, people that can be used as cannon fodder for the wars of the rich, which is what it's becoming.
I'm not saying it's a volunteer force, so don't get mad at me.
But if you can be used as cannon fodder for the rich, if they decide like we need to get into Azerbaijan, why?
Shut up, freedom.
You go over there, you get your head blown off, and then everybody buys a boat.
Joking, this mother lied about being kidnapped as QAnon mom.
The Republican Party, by the way, is QAnon's back with them.
Look at her eyes.
Look at the eyes of this woman.
Here's the deal.
QAnon's back because it's a lot easier than understanding like, you know, economic debates or monetary policy.
There's 20% of the Republican Party and maybe 20% of the country in general that remains schizophrenic.
QAnon Fantasy Land Creeps00:06:47
They're unable to decipher what is real and what is fake.
That'll only be made worse by chat GPT, by AI, by deep fakes, things like that.
We will get to a point in this country where nobody really knows what's going on ever.
What's real, what's fake.
Everything will be some type of fantasy.
Many people are already living in a fantasy land.
A lot of them are on the right.
A lot of people on the left also live in a fantasy land, but they live in different kinds of fantasy lands.
But the QAnon thing, where you take a real premise like human trafficking and a real premise like political corruption that do exist and they have been related before, but you use that as this catch-all conspiracy, literally to draw lines between everything and everyone that's ever existed and everybody that's ever succeeded and anyone that's ever done anything good, anyone that has any money, anyone that has any power.
And you say that they're all pedophiles and that Donald Trump is fighting a secret shadow war to get rid of them.
And those people have all been executed.
They're all in Guatemala Bay.
All of these things are crazy, right?
And we know that they're crazy and they've been exposed as crazy, right?
But that doesn't matter because people are, they will not let this go.
They will not let the QAnon idea go because politics is supposed to be boring.
It's people fighting about like how much money should go to the water fucking treatment plant.
That's not fun.
And the people that are really into politics, specifically on Twitter, are too stupid to understand what the slow grinding gears of this bloated dying corpse of an empire, how they actually work.
That would take reading and stuff.
What they do like and what is fun is pretending you're freeing children from underground prisons.
That's fun.
If you're going to look at politics as a hobby, reading books about how the, you know, whatever you want to call it, how this oligarchy, managerial state, as Bannon would say, or whatever, these deep state nexus of institutions, these power factions, reading about the lobbyists, the congressmen, the senators, how they all influence each other, how the executive branch functions within the government, how things get done,
how susceptible all these people are to all kinds of different influences, including blackmail and things like that.
But this is very difficult to understand on a macro level, on a big level.
But what's easy to understand is we should free the kids from the underground cages, which is the simplest.
And this is what people understand.
This is what the QAnon faction understands.
It cannot understand politics.
They do not.
They do not want to.
It is not in there.
They don't have the ability to.
What they have the ability to believe is that there are kids in underground caves.
There probably are kids in underground cages, but these people are not freeing them.
Donald Trump is not freeing them.
Donald Trump's concern is Donald Trump.
There's no kids got freed.
So a wannabe Bay Area mom influencer who sparked panic among QAnon believers with a trumped up story about the attempted kidnapping of her children has been found guilty of lying to law enforcement.
Katie Sorensen, 31 went viral in 2020 when she posted a series of videos to her Instagram account.
She claimed that on December 7th, 2020, she took her two small children to the Michaels craft store in Petaluma.
While in the store, there's nothing better than making up that your kids are kidnapped.
There's nothing funnier.
There's nothing better than a mother making up a story that her children were kidnapped.
There's nothing more fun.
While in the store, she alleged a man and woman began to follow her talking about the features of my children.
So now imagine how creepy this is.
You're walking around the Michaels Arts and Crafts in Petaluma, and then a man and a woman, I don't know who they are, in this woman's head, I guess.
Let's just call them Barack and Michelle Obama, are following her around saying her kids are hot.
Sorensen said the couple didn't buy anything, but followed her out to the parking lot.
She accused them of taking, quote, two steps forward, two steps back before lunging for her stroller.
Sorensen said she called for help, talked to the police, and then decided to share her story on social media to warn other parents.
My children were the target of an attempted kidnap sitting in her car, which is such a weird thing to even vocalize, but it happened and I want to share the story with you.
The videos accrued more than 4 million views before Sorensen made her account private.
Soon, investigators said it was clear Sorensen's account wasn't meshing with the evidence.
Security footage from the Michaels did not corroborate her story, said Petaluma police.
There are many inconsistencies when she retold the story.
They soon cleared the couple, Sadie and Eddie Martinez, of any wrongdoing.
Sorensen, meanwhile, took to local TV to repeat her story.
I saw these people.
They didn't look necessarily clean cut, she said on KTVU.
I felt uncomfortable around them.
Last week, a jury found Sorensen guilty of making a false report of a crime to a detective.
Prosecutors say she faces up to six months in prison for the misdemeanor, but she was taken into custody after the verdict and held on $100,000 bail.
She moved out of state after the incident, before her internet infamy, Sorensen was a self-described independent wellness advocate hawking essential oils.
And this is the QAnon and the wellness people are very similar.
There's a lot of concentric circles between the QAnon.
They're trying to kidnap my kids and Michaels, which isn't true, and the wellness community of the essential oils.
It's a multi-level marketing company.
So she was part of this multi-level marketing scam.
It's like a Mary Kay Cosmetics, but she's slinging essential oils to other white women whose kids are being QAnon.
It's interesting.
It's just funny to me, the idea that a mother, which by the way, it's got to be the most terrifying thing in the world to have your kids kidnapped as a mother or attempted, an attempted kidnapping has got to be, as a mother, the most terrifying thing.
Just the idea that it could happen is terrifying.
Just the idea that it could take place has got to be the most rattling thing if you're a mother.
So the idea that this woman would not only make it up, she made it up, but then went out and terrified other people and said, they're coming for your kids.
Terrifying Motherhood Lies00:14:58
Now I'm telling you, they came for mine.
This sick bitch wanted attention so bad, because that's what we have left in this country is attention.
She wanted it so badly that she made a story up that people lunged for her baby stroller in the Michaels Crafts parking lot.
That they lunged for the stroller.
So this is the problem with the QAnon schizophrenics is that they're inventing stories because reality has not been kind to them.
No one's in jail.
No one went to Guantanamo.
Hillary's still walking around.
She's fat now, but she's not in jail.
The Obamas, all the people they said were going to be in jail at Guantanamo Bay never happened.
None of this ever happened.
All of this stuff, so they have to now invent things that help them with their worldview.
They have to go like, oh, well, you know, they were at Michael's Crafts and they lunged at my stroller.
And now this bitch is going to jail.
Ruth Chris, one of my least favorite restaurants in the world, was recently bought by Darden Restaurant Group.
Olive Garden owner, Darden Restaurants, buys Ruth Chris steakhouse for $715 million.
Ruth Chris is one of the lower end corporate steakhouses in America.
I mean, if you are in Grand Rapids, Michigan, isn't that where we ate there?
Yes.
If you have to eat there, it's not the worst thing in the world, but Ruth Chris is not a good restaurant.
It's not good.
It's for teachers.
Ruth Chris is a place for, you know, it's for people that shouldn't be at a steakhouse.
That's what Ruth Chris is.
It's for people that shouldn't be at a steakhouse.
It's for people who, you know how many people I've watched at Ruth Chris argue about a birthday promotion?
It's that type of restaurant where they go, okay, and also it's my birthday.
Also, that's how you know you're in a nice restaurant when someone goes, okay, I know the checks here, but also, well, it's my birthday or the best one.
It's her birthday.
So I know we have to settle up with you, but is there any way we can knock some money off this?
Because I was born today.
It's my birthday.
If I go to a restaurant on my birthday, I just go, shh, don't, please, right?
But there's a lot of people out there that are just trying to, you know, get Ruth Chris for all the money that it can be.
So it's, I, you know, I've seen, you know, so, so I don't know what they're going to do with Ruth Chris.
Are there any plans?
Are they going to make it better?
Are they going to make it more interesting?
It seems like they just acquired it and they're not really releasing any plans.
There's nothing to do.
There's nothing to do with Ruth Chris.
The same type, I've had her eaten Ruth Chris because I tour around the country as a comedian.
And in a lot of these towns, Ruth Chris is the only thing out there and it's the only thing open.
But it's far below a Capitol Grill, a Smith and Walinski's, a Del Frisco's, an Ocean Prime.
Ruth Chris is like the entry-level steakhouse.
You know, it's just for people that could just got out of jail.
It's like a got out of jail meal.
It's like one of the first meals you have when you get out of jail.
Like your family picks you up and goes, let's go to Ruth Chris because you're out of jail now.
And also tell them it's your birthday.
Tell him it's your birthday.
I know you just got out of jail for battery, but it's time to eat some mashed potatoes and then tell them it's your birthday so we can save a little money.
That's what Ruth Chris is.
You know, Ruth Chris is not, it's not something you don't really feel special being in a Ruth Chris.
You're like, huh?
What is the story of Ruth Chris?
Like, how did it start?
Is Ruth Chris an actual person?
I don't know anything about it other than the fact that it's like incredibly not that impressive.
It was founded in 1927 by New Orleans entrepreneur, Chris Malooch.
So it started in New Orleans.
Ruth Fertel was a divorced single mother who needed money to send her teenage sons to college.
Of course.
And that's who's still eating there.
Divorced single mothers.
But that's what it means, right?
Ignoring the advice of her banker, lawyer, and friends, Ruth purchased a restaurant in 1965.
And then, you know, blah, blah, blah, became really successful.
But, you know, when I just read that it was started by a divorced single mother, it all makes sense to me because it very much is a divorced single mother restaurant.
It's people with like martinis at the bar that are like blue.
You know, the martini is the color of like the thing they put combs in in the barber shop.
Barberside.
Yeah, the barber's side.
And they're drinking those and they're like, ugh.
And they're just waiting for some man to come in there with deep pockets.
But the only people that are eating in that restaurant are con artists who are trying to take you for your money because they're at fucking Ruth Chris.
They're going to steal your credit card.
Ruth Chris is repulsive.
But I do wish.
And Darden, what does Darden own?
Darden owns a bunch of restaurants that are also repulsive.
It's like a massive place where people can go get like beers.
You can get like an onion ring tower and you can get like, you know, tuna tartare wontons or something.
It's like that type of restaurant.
You go, you get like tuna tartare nachos.
You get like a, yeah, there it is.
Pull that up.
Make that big right there.
Make that big.
That's what Yard House is.
Make it big.
Make it bigger.
I want to see it big.
This is Yardhouse.
What is this?
This is the video.
Hold on.
I don't want the video.
We don't want the video.
I just want to see.
See, that's what Yard House is.
There's a woman there.
She's got a massive beer.
She's got some type of dip in front of her.
And she's got, I guess, make it smaller so we can see the onion rings.
She's got a tower of onion rings because that's what Yard House is for.
People that when you put onion rings in tower, they go, oh, yeah.
That's what Yard House is for.
It's for when the onion rings hit the table and they're in a tower.
It makes someone's day.
It makes someone's day.
And then they just have things on the menu for no reason.
They'll have like garlic, shiitake garlic noodles.
Look at you, fancy pants.
You're having shiitake garlic noodles.
It's 111 degrees out.
You're in Palm Desert, California.
You're in the yard house and you're eating shiitake garlic noodles and thinking about how much money it's going to cost for your divorce.
How cool is that?
Yardhouse is for people who've just been denied a loan.
That's where you go after you've just been denied a loan.
And you're like, well, I can still eat good here.
It's when your bank calls you and goes, there's nothing really we can do at this point.
Taking into account, like you can hear the bank saying it as they wait on the line.
Like you can, like you can hear like the bank being like, taking into account the income and the credit.
They're like, two, two, please.
Yeah, yeah.
What?
What?
So taking into account the income and the credit, we're not able to proceed with the car loan of $6,000.
They go, all right, all right, I understand.
Fuck.
All right.
Well, I'm going to have to onion ring tower and the tuna tartare, the tuna, the tuna spicy tuna, whatever you put that on.
When you put it on a pizza, just bring it to the table.
Give me a big cold beer and a fat Hispanic woman.
If you can, just bring out a fat Hispanic woman with two children, a cold beer, and then a tower of onion rings if you can, because.
But I like Yardhouse because I like, it knows what it is.
There's certain restaurants that know what they are.
They're like, let's make the food into gimmicks because the people that eat here don't have much.
Like, and they're not, here's the other thing, Yard House.
The people that eat in Yardhouse are not broke.
It's not like Popeyes in a bad area.
It's like Yardhouse.
So what it is, is people who are playing this game of America.
They're in the game, but it's not great.
The ball's hitting them.
They're not reacting.
That's what Yard House is for.
People that are in the game.
People that are trying to sell a 2019 Chevy Silverado because they need something are eating at Yardhouse.
That's who eats at Yardhouse.
People that are in the game, they're not totally destitute.
They're not living on the street.
They're not in a tent.
They're not on fentanyl.
They're not shitting into Whole Foods.
But they're trying to make very small moves to better themselves.
And they're doing it at a yard house because that's a place they can let loose, have a couple of beers, watch the game, and think about how they're going to come up with the money to euthanize their dog.
Because that's what that restaurant's about.
It's about figuring out how to move money around so you have enough money to put your dog down.
Yardhouse.
Get the menu up at Yard.
I can prove this when you read the menu.
You go, this is where I would go.
And I like, by the way, I like Yardhouse.
Many times in my life, I've been a Yardhouse person.
I've gone to Yardhouse.
Go to the appetizers.
Appetizers.
Coconut shrimp.
Onion ring tower.
Jumbo Bavarian pretzel.
This is a study of what people in this country will eat, the lower middle class, grilled Korean barbecue beef, Wisconsin fried cheese curds, avocado toast, calamari.
There's no theme to Yardhouse, by the way.
The theme of the food at Yardhouse is anything you've heard of.
Anything you've heard of and nothing you haven't.
Sweet potato fries, snacks.
I like that they have an appetizer section and a snack section because it's like, you might want a snack in between the appetizer and the entree.
Who doesn't want a big bowl of garlic noodles as a snack?
These are just foods you've heard of.
That's what Yardhouse is.
It's foods you've already heard of, but they're here in the mall.
What I'd educate, it's not like, would you like some Arctic char?
What?
No, it's would you, and what is this garden?
Everything there's garden with a little R. Gardeen wings, garden orange chicken, pizzas.
They got pizza too.
They have something called the vampire.
A cheese, curated tortilla, carnitas, bacon, roasted garlic, crushed avocado.
None of it makes sense.
Sour cream, cilantro.
It's just things you've heard of.
Things you've heard of on a plate.
Come to Yardhouse.
We won't challenge you.
You like noodles?
You'll get noodles.
So what is this garden?
It says it's a chicken substitute made from soy wheat.
Ooh, nice.
Meatless.
But I like yard.
I like yard house.
I'll go to yard house right fucking now and I'll talk to a divorced substitute teacher whose son is severely autistic and she wants a white Zinfandel and she needs an onion ring tower.
Stat because her husband became trans and joined the military.
Yardhouse is just a collection of simple tragedies at the yard house.
It's not even, it's people that you can't really feel bad for either when they start talking.
You go, oh, can't really feel bad for you.
You're kind of a terrible person.
You're dumb.
But it's like the yard house when people start telling you their problems.
You're like, oh, you've gone further than you should have.
You've gone, it'll be some guy who's like, I invested with my brother in a company that turned out not to have existed.
And then like he'll start screaming like five minutes in about like the border.
He's like, it's the fucking border.
They're coming over here.
I'm like, wait, what?
You lost all your money with your brother, you idiot.
He's like, yeah, whatever.
Can I have some carni asada garlic noodles?
I don't know what it is, but I've heard of it.
Can I have a Bavarian pretzel and an avocado toast?
They have avocado toast.
Can I have a Bavarian avocado toast, pretzel, please?
And some fucking Korean beef.
I want some Korean beef and a vampire.
I hope this is played at every yard house.
Every worker at a yard house.
Every yard house worker.
Because it's like sometimes attractive women kind of.
People that are excited.
Like a few of them have said, oh, we're fans of your work.
So I appreciate that.
But you get what I'm saying here.
You understand what I'm saying.
Yardhouse, foods you've heard of.
You're at a mall anyway.
You're here anyway.
Yardhouse is basically like, you're at a mall anyway.
These are foods you've heard of.
You cannot afford your children.
You cannot afford your children.
Come to Yardhouse.
Have get your children a pizza and sit there and think about how you're going to get yourself under, get yourself out from under this mountain of debt and horrible decisions that you've made in this disgusting restaurant where you're just eating fat and sugar.
You get in your car.
You have a headache.
You're like, I'm full in a weird way.
I don't feel good.
I'm having a panic attack.
Should I go to the hospital?
Yardhouse Workers Struggle00:01:36
Nope.
Can't afford that.
Just keep driving.
Just keep driving with your face covered with yard house glaze.
Whatever fucking sick, disgusting sugar glaze they toss everything in.
You're just like, oh.
You go back to your house.
They can barely afford.
You put the kids in front of the TV.
They're all on drugs.
They're all trans.
You're happy about it.
You don't care.
You try to get money from the government.
You go, can I get money from the government if they're trans?
And your wife goes, shut up.
Did you go to Yardhouse?
Did you go to Yardhouse again?
Stop trying to make our kids trans.
Get money from the government.
Could you have a Bavarian prencil at noon, you sick fuck?
It's a disgusting place, but I like it.
TimDylanComedy.com.
We're in Palm Beach all weekend.
We've got tickets available for San Francisco.
They're available.
Lots of them.
Lots of them.
Chicago theater, very few.
Milwaukee, Wisconsin, the Pops Theater tickets are available.
Funner, California.
That Harris Resort Casino, that's available.
Ben Salem, Pennsylvania.
That's in September.
Who cares?
But still go.
TimDylanComedy.com if you want any live tickets and we'll hang out.