Tim mourns the end of Lori Lightfoot's reign over Chicago, he praises McDonald's latest celebrity meal all the while a new LAPD proposal has him eyeing Florida
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Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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Mystery Boxes of Awesome00:01:54
I love bespoke posts because basically, what you do is you go to, you go to boxofaw.com, you take a quick quiz and you know whoever you're giving this to or you're giving it to yourself.
Basically, you're getting a box every single month with a bunch of cool stuff in it okay um, and you never know what it's going to be, but it's all from small, up-and-coming brands manufactured in America, and that's what you want, you know, um.
So when you get this box, it's so cool, it's a great surprise and it could have everything.
It could have outdoorsy stuff.
It could have like uh, you know stuff to make drinks.
It could have like uh, you know, you know fishing stuff.
Or you know uh, boating stuff.
Maybe it's a like a, some type of compass or something like that.
Um, but it's cool.
You know it's a fun gift, something.
You see, you open it up and you go, oh god, you know like, look at this.
You know um, you know, and you don't.
You don't know what it'll be from month to month.
That's the cool part.
You open it up, you go oh, my god, you know, it could be a fun thing man, it could be cool.
You know, it's just, and sometimes it'll be something where you don't quite know why it.
You're getting it, you know, but it's just there.
You know, I had one box that came to me because I have it subscribed to BOX OF Awesome.
I love it, love it, love it.
One of my boxes this is wild was just hair.
I had no idea whose it was hair and a vial of blood.
So this is what I mean about like always being like huh.
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Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dylan show.
Chicago Mayor's Confession00:15:30
I am in mourning right now.
I am incredibly upset.
I'm usually not as upset, but today is a tough day.
Um, we are mourning the loss of a legend, a woman who's meant a lot to this show, someone who has been an inspiration to me, someone who has been an inspiration to millions, to young women and young men and people of and young non-binary people.
Everybody uh, regardless of their gender, has been impacted by this woman.
Um, it is a sad day in America, but a very sad day in Chicago.
Um, because we have lost one of the best um, an advocate for chaos.
An advocate for chaos, a woman whose reign in Chicago came to symbolize chaos in in the way that only a Batman villain could like, a Dick Tracy villain Like this woman presided over an increase in crime.
That was just, I mean, it was mind-blowing.
Like the numbers just kept, and she was a petty, vindictive woman.
She went to war with limo companies.
She wrote bad Yelp reviews.
She was nasty to employees.
The first lesbian mayor of color in Chicago.
Got to put that in there.
She's a, and God love her for that.
We appreciate it.
But this is a woman.
I never thought of her as, you know, I never thought of her sexuality.
I never thought of even her race.
I thought only of what animates her.
The true, you know, spirit of Lori Lightfoot is really a spirit of chaos.
And let's take a look at her right now.
This is her in all her glory.
This is how I'll always remember her.
Make this pic, please.
There she is.
Yeah.
Vote, vote, vote.
Yep.
Here she is celebrating Chicago having the highest murder rate in the country.
I mean, this woman, I don't want to lose her.
I do not want to lose this woman.
I mean, God love her.
It's sad.
All right.
Well, people are listening that don't see that they're not getting the benefit of this visual.
So we'll turn this down.
But God, I mean, there's no one better than Lori Lightfoot.
Can we go to her speech when she last, you know, Lori Lightfoot, for those of you who don't know, was the mayor of the city of Chicago, the great city of Chicago, which is descending into a hellscape.
How many murders last year in Chicago, just out of curiosity, if we can get that up?
Chicago, violent crime there has been a major problem.
There are like large, there were large, one of my favorite stories was like there's large gangs of teenagers, groups of teenagers just running through, you know, the midtown of Chicago, the Miracle Mile, whatever you call it.
And they're just robbing couples and, you know, just creating chaos.
I think they're working for Lightfoot.
Like I think the kids are, because here's what she's got to do now.
Lori, now that she has been evicted from her position, she's been taken out.
Lori now has to wage a war against the city from the outside.
Because for many years, she was waging a war against the city from the inside.
But now she's now from the outside has to like make sure the city stays as crime-ridden and filthy from the outside.
She's just got to launch attacks, coordinated attacks.
The year of 2021 ended as one of the most violent on record in Chicago.
A rise in the number of shootings left more people dead than in any single year in a quarter century, according to statistics released by the police on Saturday.
797 homicides, 25 more than were recorded in 2020.
So about 800 homicides.
How many a day?
There's 365 days in a year.
Almost like three a day.
Yeah, there's about three people a day in Chicago checking out.
And, you know, this was also, you got to remember, Lori Lightfoot went wild with the vaccine.
She was threatening people saying, if you don't take the vaccine, your time has come.
We'll put you in jail.
You know, we're going to find you.
Again, this was the language of a villain.
This was the language of like an all-powerful mob boss.
It was not a governor.
Here we go.
Yeah, she did not fuck around when it came to the vaccine.
She was like Nazi-ish.
She wanted everybody to get it.
And if you didn't get it, she did that whole thing.
Get up that thing where she goes, we'll put you in jail.
That was my favorite one where she goes, we'll put you in jail.
She goes, we will put you in jail.
And it was just like you saw, that was like the zenith of state power during the pandemic when people were just coming right out and saying, if there is anything you do that we disagree with, we are going to put you in jail.
And that was like, I remember people sending that to me going like, this is going to really like be a huge problem for this woman.
And it was.
You know, people, you play that back now.
It seems so insane.
Here it is right here.
This is Lori Lightfoot.
We will shut you down.
We will cite you.
And if we need to, we will arrest you and we will take you to jail.
Period.
There should be nothing unambiguous about that.
You mean nothing ambiguous, sweet?
In the middle of a pandemic, we will take you to jail.
Get up when she did Rona Destroyer.
I just, this is a montage of Lori Lightfoot.
I am so sad to be losing this woman.
I hope she runs for governor.
I pray that Lori Lightfoot runs for governor.
Before we go, it looks like trick-or-treating will be happening in Chicago this year.
Yeah, that's Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot coming out in full costume, cape and mask as the Rona, as in Corona Destroyer, handing out candy to reporters and staff at our daily news conference.
Trick-or-treaters will be asked to stay in groups of six or fewer there, avoid sticking their hands into any candy bowls, and of course, wear a mask with a mask over your mask.
Man, she's a symbol of the pandemic, isn't she, Lori Lightfoot?
I think now COVID's finally over.
I mean, I know the state of emergency was lifted in LA, but with Lori Lightfoot leaving, it's like the state, like it really is over.
This is finally done with Lori Lightfoot being voted out.
This is sad.
Let's look at her concession speech here.
She doesn't even seem present in her own body for the concession speech.
Again, so much mayhem, so much chaos, so bloody.
This woman was the ultimate villain.
The only, this is the type of mayor Chicago should have.
It's one of the most corrupt cities in the world, and there's absolutely no way it should be run by anyone less, like anyone less than a complete, utter crime boss, which is what she is.
She is like, you know, somebody who from like the Ninja Turtles would have to invade her lair.
Let's see how she conceded the election.
We were fierce competitors in these last few months, but I will be rooting and praying for our next mayor to deliver for the people of the city for years to come.
I'm grateful that we worked together to remove a record number of guns off our streets, reduced homicides, and started making real progress on public safety.
She didn't reduce homicide.
I mean, that's, but who cares at this point?
And I don't know what guns she's talking about that are off the street.
Certainly not the 900, you know, murders.
She didn't really reduce any homicides, but now she can live with her wife and be happy and like.
You know, just she was the mayor of Chicago.
You know, she'll just always, she'll always be able to tell people like later on she'll be on some like lesbian cruise and they'll be like, what did you do?
And she'll go, I was the mayor of Chicago.
And you go, Lori was the mayor of Chicago.
She just cheated at cards.
Lori was the mayor of Chicago because she's corruption is the DNA of Chicago and it runs through this woman's veins.
No matter what she does, any time in her life, she will always try to lie.
And this is what I love about her so much is that no matter what Lori Lightfoot, I mean, she literally just said, we, we, we, we, uh, we, what about homicide?
She goes, we decreased homicides.
They're at the highest level in 25 years, but it doesn't matter.
She'll always try to lie first.
That's what I love about her.
She just, it's her in, you can tell when you look at her, she's burning inside because she doesn't know what's true anymore because there's so she's lied so many times.
Did you ever see the thing where the guy, he just lists everything in Chicago?
It's Lori Lightfoot.
She refuses to answer a question.
And it's great.
You have a guy who basically comes up and goes, here's the issue.
The crime's up.
This is up.
They don't want the companies are leaving Chicago.
Nobody wants to be here anymore.
And Lori Lightfoot stands there and goes, I'm just not going to answer that question.
You got to remember the fashion choices too.
She wore these big balloon pants.
She dressed up during the St. Patrick's Day parade.
They were saying on Twitter that she looked like that movie Leprechaun in the Hood.
They were saying she looked like Leprechaun in the hood.
It was, she was trolling everyone or she wasn't.
She had these weird balloon pants, these baggy like Janko jeans, but they were pants that she would wear and they like never fit her.
This is a kid who dressed up as her.
But I mean, I'm really going to be sad to see her go, man.
Try to get that up where she refuses to answer the question, where she literally just looks at the guy and she goes, I disagree with your assessment entirely.
And he just listed facts about what was happening in Chicago.
And she goes, I just disagree with your assessment entirely.
But I mean, it's sad, man.
It's sad to lose her because she became such a symbol of the type of political leader that we have in America now, where truth is irrelevant.
Okay?
This is great.
Lightfoot now screams.
This was another one, but this is also great.
Here she is screaming at a reporter over a question about crime.
God, I love her.
You and the other right-wing nuts could try to characterize it any possible way.
Excuse me.
Is that appropriate?
Yeah, is that appropriate?
Kelly?
Thank you.
Mayor Lightfoot.
The people that I speak with in Chicago every day tell me that they're very frustrated with your lack of a plan to combat violent crime.
They tell me that they're very frustrated with your rhetoric.
It sounds more like you support or sympathize with the...
You may not have heard the admonition at the beginning of this press conference.
And frankly, I've still been as long as it's specific to you.
Ask a question, and I'd be happy to respond.
But if you continue to come in here and spout a lot of nonsense and rhetoric, if that's not a question and not acting like a journalist, then I'm not going to have any time for you.
You've had a whole room of people that you're holding on by not asking a question.
And I know you like to film me, and then you like to go on Fox News.
Every other reporter is filming you.
Yeah, so what I want you to do is ask a question, sir.
Don't give me your right-wing nonsense and spewing of facts that are completely untethered from the reality.
Just ask a question.
That's all I'm asking you.
Ask a question.
So we can move on.
Well, I'm not the only reporter filming.
Ask a question.
Right.
What's your question?
The obvious question is simply this.
There are numerous violent crimes here in the city of Chicago, right?
Last night, a teenager was shot in the head on our beautiful lakefront.
People around the city, the state, and not only the country, but around the world.
I'm going to ask you one more thing.
Ask a question or we're moving.
She's like, yeah, I shot that bitch.
They're like, saw a teenager was shot.
Lori's like, on my orders, I had it done.
I'm the boss.
This is when Oswald, get up, Oswald Cobblepot, running for mayor of Gotham City.
This is when the penguin ran Gotham City.
Like Lori Lightfoot's staring at him.
He's like, he goes, I don't understand.
You don't have a plan to combat the crime.
She's like, yeah, I am the criminal.
I wonder if we can play this or if YouTube's going to like, you know, send someone to our homes.
It's getting so bad over there.
You can't do anything.
They'll send people after you in the street, YouTube.
If you play the wrong thing, they'll call and threaten your family.
We're trying to stay there.
Well, anyway, don't play it.
It's just, you get it, folks, if you've seen Batman Returns.
The point is that Lightfoot symbolized a type of politician where they didn't even try to lie in a way that would make the citizenry feel comfortable.
This is an important transition.
It's actually an important transition in the way things are kind of crumbling.
Gangster Voice and Threats00:04:17
When someone like her basically went out, warts and all, imperfect, came out and was like, listen, I'm kind of a criminal.
So I'm not going to sit in judgment of other people that were criminals.
And now, listen, you have many, many liars that occupy offices all over the place, from Congress to the governors.
But there was something special about this woman in my heart.
I like petty people.
And when she did the thing, and you could go back and listen to that old episode where she ratted on her limo company, she literally made up that the driver of the limo company went and used the bathroom in her home.
And then the company goes, we have cameras.
He didn't enter your house once.
She's such a vindictive liar, even on a tiny small scale, this infinitesimal scale of trying to get a limo driver fired.
She is just such a treat.
She's such an utter treat.
You know, there's something so comforting to me about her complete, like obvious disdain for anyone who called her out on anything.
Anyone that would mention a fact about Chicago, the shootings, the murders, the crime, she hated it.
She was like, don't bring your propaganda here.
And I love her fucking weird voice she had.
Like, she had this weird, like breathy voice where she'd be like, listen to me.
If you have a question, ask a question.
Don't bring your Fox propaganda here.
Don't bring your propaganda.
It's this strange kind of.
Like her voice box almost didn't want to lie and she had to like force the breath through it because like her body was shutting down some of the lies that she was telling.
And she, what did she get?
16% of the vote?
God, Lori.
It was bad.
It was like at least.
It was bad.
She got trounced.
17.
17.1%.
Who were those people?
Just committed criminals.
I mean, who were the 17.1% of people that voted for Lori Lightfoot?
Like every measurable standard, Chicago is falling into an it's a hellscape.
And 17.1% of people, I mean, what was her sloke?
Did Lightfoot have a slogan?
Did Lori have like a slogan?
Everything, even her name's amazing, Lori Lightfoot.
It's just the alliteration, you know, Lori Lightfoot.
There's just no one better.
And I'm sad to see her go.
You know, of all the people we shit talk on this show, you know, there was nobody that I loved and had a personal affinity for more than Lori Lightfoot.
She just fit, I mean, the fedoras.
She dressed like a gangster.
Again, like somebody like Dick Tracy would have to like, I mean, Lori Lightfoot epitomized.
She looked like a gangster.
She was a gangster.
She lied.
She, you know, obfuscated.
She wouldn't answer questions.
And all around her, things just totally fell apart because she was a petty, vindictive tyrant that would go to war with people in her inner circle.
And she would fight these tiny, small battles instead of focusing on real things that could actually help people.
And there's no better version of a politician than that to me.
It's just somebody who's like, it's all out in the open what they do.
That's what made Lori Lightfoot so special to me.
She was so bad at concealing it.
She almost had no desire to conceal it.
She just thought like somehow it was going to be okay.
You know, you've all, you know, seen a kid or maybe you've been the kid who shows up to class without homework and has no lie, nothing prepared.
They just go, huh?
And the teacher goes, you have nothing?
And they go, yeah, that was Lori Lightfoot.
No dog ate my homework.
No, oh, I left it in the car.
No, it was 100%.
Travis Scott Meal Controversy00:14:22
I don't have it.
And I don't remember you even asking it, asking me to do it.
And I don't know what your problem is.
And I'm just going to stare at you from my seat until you give up.
And there's something about that I do miss.
I do miss her.
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McDonald's is very angry that, or well, certain franchisees, the people that own the McDonald's franchises, because you remember McDonald's is a conglomerate.
It's like the biggest company, one of the top five or something, something crazy.
But then there's people that own franchises of McDonald's all over the place.
So McDonald's is doing these celebrity meals now, which I don't know why they're doing this, right?
I've never fully understood why they're doing these celebrity meals where they, and it's usually like Jay Balvin had one.
How many other people have had like celebrity meals?
Travis Scott.
Travis Scott had one.
Yeah.
And I don't understand why they're doing it, but apparently they sell really well because young people are like, I want to eat Travis Scott's meal.
Now they're doing a meal with Cardi B and offset.
And apparently some of the franchisees at McDonald's are upset because they don't like the value system of Cardi B and offset because I don't know.
She was a gang member, used to drug dudes and was a stripper or whatever.
Who cares?
Who do you think's eating at McDonald's?
Who the hell do you think's eating at McDonald's?
It's 14-year-old kids that want to shoot people.
The McDonald's biggest demo is young kids who want to get into gangs.
So why wouldn't you not give them a meal?
Give them a good meal.
Most McDonald's, like, for example, after the McDonald, because we've all seen these fights, it's, you know, it's in the city and it's a McDonald's.
I'm not, I'm not, because by the way, we all know that white people are very violent and there's tons of white trash and they fight in McDonald's too.
Okay.
But my point is that we've all seen a McDonald's fight where it's in the city and the kids are just beating someone.
They're just stomping a motherfucker out, stomping on their face.
Now those kids afterwards want to eat.
After the fight, after the cops come and everybody runs away and the ambulance comes and takes the one kid to the hospital and then the crowd comes back because they're like, all of that stomping on the face made me hungry.
So they come back and they get the Cardi B meal.
And by the way, what is the Cardi B offset meal?
What do you get?
What's included?
Oh, it's a bundle.
So it's like, it's a Valentine's.
It's like a bundle for the young couples.
Yeah, so it's a classic cheeseburger with barbecue sauce, a large Coke and a quarter pounder of cheese, and a large high C orange.
Lava burger.
Good, good.
Yet no one's going to be offended by this who would eat at McDonald's.
If you are eating at McDonald's, this is not offensive to you.
You want more of it.
If you're eating at McDonald's, they don't care.
It doesn't matter.
It's a fucking disgusting place where people that don't really have choices eat.
And they don't pay anyone.
I love McDonald's.
They're like, we're morally concerned with these rappers.
You don't pay anyone.
You don't pay anyone.
My mother knew a woman named Mary Ann.
She worked at McDonald's for years.
She had like five kids and like she barely had any money at all.
And she was like the manager of McDonald's for like 40 years.
Like, and she made nothing.
McDonald's pays shit.
In-and-Out pays really well.
McDonald's doesn't pay that well.
McDonald's poisons everybody.
And I've eaten McDonald's clearly, but they poison people.
The sugar, the fat, it's horrific.
It's that meal could kill someone.
This Cardi B offset meal, the calories in the meal, the sugar in the meal could kill someone.
But they're not concerned about that.
They're concerned that it's there's rappers promoting it.
So these franchisees that are probably white and they're from like Middle America and they own McDonald's is are like, we don't want Cardi B being the meal because it's not our values.
So they, you know, who knows what they want?
They want a proud boy meal probably, which they want to, which McDonald's will have.
But what's interesting is like McDonald's pushed back on the internet criticism.
Noting the feedback it has received, you know, it has received the collaboration with the rappers who's generating support and excitement among its franchisees.
So like, hey, listen, there's some feedback, there's some criticism, but there's a lot more excitement.
That's like what McDonald's is saying.
What are people, like, what are the franchisees saying that's disturbing them so much here?
I saw a good one once where this girl was popping shit in a McDonald's, running her mouth, and then a bunch of other girls surrounded her in a circle, and I think they killed her.
I think they killed her or maybe paralyzed her.
Because don't you understand like this is McDonald's?
Yeah, they have this golden arches code.
The golden arches code of marketing guidelines for store owners and employees.
Partnerships with celebrities and influencers that have a potential risk to damage our brand.
Your brand of poison.
The brand is poisoning children.
That's McDonald's brand.
We poison kids.
So people got mad.
It's kind of a culture shock thing when you consider that McDonald's brand over the years said Dick Adams, a former McDonald's restaurant owner and consultant to franchisees, especially if you're a franchise owner and you're 50 or 60 years old, you don't have any kids and haven't been exposed to the type of these lyrics.
Well, they're mad because she did that song Wet Ass Pussy.
Right.
Again, I don't understand who they think is eating at McDonald's.
It's single mothers.
It's people that are that it's like someone who's eating at McDonald's, okay, is probably, if I had to demograph, it is a single mother from the hood.
Sorry.
It is a single mom from the hood because we've done a horrible job in this country providing a better alternative at the price point, right?
So for the price point, you probably have a single mother from the hood eating at McDonald's, and that's who's going there.
You're not getting like people that are flush with money.
Now, some people occasionally will eat McDonald's as a novelty, but the people your day ones, like the people that are coming in to eat all the time, are not offended by the wet-ass pussy lyrics.
In fact, their wet-ass pussy has had several illegitimate children pop out of it, which is why they're eating at McDonald's.
So it's just a matter of knowing who you are as a brand.
It's just a matter of knowing who you are as a brand.
Like McDonald's is a place that is catering to people that have problems.
They have issues.
You don't want to hear that, McDonald's.
You think it's wholesome?
You think it's wholesome anymore?
I've watched people get their heads cracked on your floor.
These McDonald's fight.
Can we get a McDonald's fight up, please?
There's compilations on WorldStar.
Look at this.
This is the brand they're concerned with damaging.
Get it!
Yeah!
Yep.
Let's go.
Oh, the fries work.
This is the brand they don't want to damage.
What are they fighting over?
The filet of fish?
This is the whole staff.
This is the staff.
There we go.
There it is.
What's McDonald's thing?
What is it?
What's it called?
I'm loving it.
I'm loving it.
Look at somebody at the drive-thru.
Well, there you go.
This is the brand that nobody wants damaged here.
It's a shithole, and the people who eat there are desperate and have no hope.
That is your brand.
It is no longer like a nice brand where young families go.
If you're taking your kid to McDonald's on the weekends, it is knowing what you know now is literally child abuse.
You are abusing your child, and the state should take your child from you if you go more than once a year.
Our parents used to take us all the time, and everybody I know is a morbidly obese drug addict because of that.
Okay.
So the reality is McDonald's is a grotesquerie and anyone participating in it.
I kind of want it now, though, that I've been talking about it for a little bit.
But I mean, this idea that they don't like that their brand is being infrared.
I mean, it's just, it's just such a fucking like complete misunderstanding of who eats at your restaurant and why, truly, and who works there, who's working there.
It's a joke.
Working at McDonald's means that things are not good.
You do not care about the Cardi B meal and the music that the offensive lyrics to the song when you're working at McDonald's.
Trust me, you've got bigger fish to fry, bigger filet of fish to fry.
Everybody in America right now is bald and it's disgusting.
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I've been in multiple car accidents.
I've totaled multiple cars.
This is true.
I've totaled five cars.
In 2020, there were over 5 million car crashes.
That's more than 15,000 a day and 600 an hour.
It's so shock.
That's so shocking to me.
How did insurance handle it?
Did the injured party get what they were entitled to?
Did they think of or have to sue?
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Well, I like the sound of that.
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You can even do it in your car after the accident if you can still, you know, you just remember that.
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California has its share of problems.
And really, the reality is Florida is the next.
This is the thing, right?
So, I mean, this is, by the way, so this is a video of the lifestyle in Florida and how it differs from California and how it is beautiful and it is welcoming.
And let's just take a look here at, again, zero taxes, beautiful climate, Florida.
It's terrifying video of an alligator moving in for the kill.
He's about to attack an unsuspecting 85-year-old grandmother walking her dog by a lake.
The horrifying drama at a retirement community in Fort Pierce, Florida was caught on a wildlife camera.
Oh my God, the alligator's done him.
The victim's frantic neighbor can be heard on this just released 911 call.
Florida Lifestyle vs Reality00:15:06
An alligator has a woman.
How big is it?
It's a huge database.
It's huge.
I don't have anything to get to her.
The call was made by 76-year-old Carol Thomas, who was watching from her lakefront home as Gloria Surge was attacked while walking her beloved dog, Trooper.
She was walking her little dog, and the Gator grabbed the dog and took her.
She's holding her hands.
She's holding her hand in the lake.
She fetched this poll to try to pull the stricken woman to shore.
It's too late.
It's too late.
Oh, my God, Plural.
Yes.
Oh, no.
I was trying to stick a pill out for her.
And I was calling you at the same time.
And I, she's gone.
Okay.
She's gone.
It's horrible for her family.
It's horrible.
No state income tax.
What does this do think in LA?
The cops aren't coming anymore?
The police aren't coming.
Yeah, they're considering not sending them to a whole bunch of calls.
Sounds good.
Sounds good.
Florida.
Ronda Santa.
I'm going to fuck an old woman in Florida and live with her because this state can go to hell.
It is a disgusting, it is snowing and hailing, and it is a nightmare.
And everybody's like, it's L.A.
Yeah, it survives in L.A. City.
It's about sex in L.A. Sex, baby.
You got to sell L.A.
And it's hailing and snowing, and a homeless person is smearing their bloody shit on the fucking window.
And it is a night.
They are robbing people in broad daylight here.
They're hopping in your car, putting a gun to your head and saying, Florida, I'm going to Florida.
It is, it's not even warm anymore.
It's not even, and everyone has Stockholm syndrome.
They're like, well, it's going to get better.
It's going to get better.
It's going to get better.
This is like a freak thing.
It's a freak thing.
It's going to get better.
Of course, it'll get better in the spring.
That's the whole fucking point.
Everywhere's nice in the fucking spring.
Christ almighty.
And now the cops aren't even going to come.
And listen, sometimes that's good because the LAPD is not exactly the best.
They're not exactly always on point, but you would, you know, if somebody calls, so what, what, what, what is it?
Here's the list in its entirety.
It can be found below.
These are, these are things cops won't come to.
Now, some of them, it might make sense.
Let's see.
Non-criminal and or non-violent homeless and public quality of life calls.
Okay.
So that might be interesting.
And non-violent or non-criminal homeless quality.
So like I have a homeless person in my yard.
We don't need to send the cops for that.
You can just reason with the violent schizophrenic and see what happens.
Non-criminal mental health calls make sense.
There's a guy on your street going like this.
And what's the problem with that?
What's the problem with that?
Some of them, they walk up down the street and they're literally talking to someone who's not there.
They're like, oh, fuck you, Walfar.
I'll buy your water.
And you go, yeah, what's the problem with that?
What's the problem with that?
Send, send the social worker.
Send somebody there to be like, how are you feeling?
Nonviolent calls for service at city parks.
Sure, I don't know what that means.
Under the influence calls, alcohol and or drugs, where there is no crime in progress.
So someone who was drinking or really drugged up and you might go, hey, I'm at the park and I have my kids here.
And there's a crazy homeless man who seems to be on many, many drugs.
And they go, have a nice day.
Non-fatal vehicle accidents.
Interesting.
Okay.
Parking violations, driveway tow, abandoned vehicles, person dumping trash, vicious and dangerous dog complaints where no attack is in progress.
Okay.
Calls for service for loud noise, loud music, or party calls that are anonymous or have no victim.
Landlord-tenant disputes, loitering, trespassing with no indication of danger.
So you let them come in.
You let them come in.
Trespassing with no indication of danger.
I just wanted to see Taylor Swift's yard.
I just wanted to see it.
I like it.
Code 30 alarm response.
Syringe disposal.
That makes sense.
Just, hi, there's somebody who keeps throwing syringes in my shut up.
Hi, someone keeps throwing syringes in my defecating, urinating in public.
Look at 28.
28, suspicious, cirques, possible dead body where no indication of foul play.
Great.
Leave the body there.
Leave the body there.
Why get the pigs involved with a dead body?
Why call the cops over a dead body?
It's California, the greatest state in the nation.
And this idiot, Gavin Newsom, really thinks he's going to run for president.
This like middle-aged fuckboy retard believes he's going to run for president.
The state is a laughingstock.
It's a national embarrassment and a joke.
Everyone hates it.
And I know people like someone in his orbit that kind of chat chat a little.
He thinks he's got like a shot.
And maybe Elon does too, because that's why Elon moved Tesla back here so that maybe he thinks within four to eight years there will be a newspaper presidency and he can hand them all those free contracts, government contracts.
I don't really know, but I mean, this is just hilarious.
Most California voters don't want Newsom to run for president.
70% of voters don't want him to run for president.
They should want him to run away.
I mean, this is like hilarious here.
A dead body.
They may not send police for a dead body.
Who do you call?
Uber Eats?
I mean, who would you call?
Postmen?
What are they going to do?
They're going to send people without guns or without weapons in our police.
Okay, so union reps say the establishment of an unarmed response protocol will help with the police department's chronic understaffing problem and allow police to focus on the actual job of responding to emergencies, not these things like some drunk, defecating person next to a dead body.
That's fine.
The decision to trim back armed responses by sworn officers is an alternative policing approach that has been deployed in other major cities to varying levels in the wake of wide-scale civil unrest caused by deadly police slaying of civilians.
Right.
So basically the decision to trim this back is Twitter.
We decided that it would make Twitter happy and we thought people were tweeting.
So this is good.
In Virginia, armed officers have responded.
Here's my thing.
I also don't think that you need cops in every situation all the time, but there's a lot of fucking things there that probably could use police.
There's a lot of things there where somebody's heavily intoxicated or being suspicious, something weird.
Something bad is about to happen.
Something bad may happen.
And the idea that you're going to get rid of any type of police response and that people are not going to be armed.
They're not going to be, you're just going to let things get to a point where it's going to be very difficult to deal with them after they've happened.
That's what's going to happen.
When you're basically saying, we're going to ignore something until someone gets stabbed or someone gets shot or there is an altercation, it's not good.
And I know that everybody's like, well, they're just running around the streets killing people.
Listen, we got to get better with the training with cops.
You know, at least Lori made it fun.
See, Lori made it fun.
Gavin doesn't even make it fun.
Lori made it fun.
Lori made, you rooted for the chaos with Lori.
I rooted for Lori.
You know, I rooted for her.
She's a figure that you root for because she is a mob boss.
And now she must take her place amongst the shadows, in the shadows, and she must launch full-scale attacks like the Riddler on Gotham City.
There must be no fucking let up, Lightfoot.
You are to continue to raise hell.
You are not to fall back.
But it's just amazing.
I just the idea of like Lori Lightfoot on a lesbian cruise playing shuffleboard, cheating, and then having someone go, what did Lori do?
You go, she was the mayor of Chicago.
She was the criminal mayor of Chicago, of a great American city.
Yeah, I mean, this is so funny.
Well, listen, God bless.
I mean, this is what this is what you get, right?
It's like, hey, maybe it'll work.
Maybe it'll work.
Maybe ignoring the dead bodies will work.
I don't know.
I mean, there's, you know, you would think that it wouldn't be perfect, but, you know, what do I know?
Maybe this is not, maybe this is not as bad as it seems.
You know, this is a state where people should experiment.
I was up in the Pacific Northwest recently, and the thing about the Pacific Northwest is that it is insane.
And a lot of the cities up there, you know, again, if there's something about the West Coast, there's just something about the West Coast where people are a bit off.
Maybe it's when you leave SoCal, you don't get a lot of vitamin D. When you go up there, you get almost no vitamin D. Something about the people is a bit off.
And, you know, they kind of like it.
They like it the way it is, you know, where it's just like endless tent cities and a lot of mentally unstable people in the streets and like downtowns being overrun with junkies and crime.
It's like, hey, man, you know, if you're into it, you're into it.
Like, that's my thing.
It's like, if you're into it, you're into it.
I'm not going to tell you what to be into.
It's like, you know, I'm not going to kink shame.
You do what you do.
If you get off on the idea that there's a bunch of psychopaths running around in downtown of your city and you're like a young professional, but it makes you feel better about yourself, which I guess it does.
These people, they feel better about themselves.
They go in and they're like, I believe it's their right to do whatever they want to do.
Stab me again.
These people should be able to just, this is what they want.
These are the areas they've created.
They keep voting for this shit.
They want it.
I don't know what to say.
It seems not good.
You know, when I go and I see all the crazy people running around the streets, I go, this seems unsustainable.
But then you'll talk to people and they go, well, actually, it's much better than it was.
You know, there's, they removed a few of the tents and I think that we're heading in the right direction.
You know, they can't take the people's stuff, though, because you see that woman there.
I mean, that's her thing.
So the cop shouldn't be able to move her things.
And occasionally she goes nuts and then runs into traffic.
But this is her right.
You know, this is what, this is who she is.
And why would we like stop her from behaving that way?
And, you know, and they're just like eating like organic food in a place.
And then, you know, as people walk by and as the end of the world just marches on outside, the end of the world just marches past people and they just go, well, you know, I just think that it's very complicated.
It's a very strange situation.
You're like, well, maybe you could just, you know, bust up these things and get these people the fuck out of here.
Well, it's actually harder than that because a lot of people, they're trying and it's very difficult.
There's a lot of problems.
It's very layered.
I'm like, well, that guy's shooting heroin in front of me.
And maybe that's less complicated.
He's shooting heroin.
He's using heroin.
Maybe that's why he's homeless because he's doing heroin.
Well, it's actually the rents have gone up.
The rents are higher.
I know they are.
But he's doing heroin right now.
And now he's attacking a woman.
I know, but there's a lot of press late stage capitalism.
I know that's not great.
That's certainly not ideal.
But now he's choking that woman to death.
You see him choking her to death over there?
Do you think that requires some immediate response?
Well, there's an unarmed civilian force that can be dealing with that.
And they'll go to him and they'll assess where, you know, it's like, oh, God, just let him have it.
Fucking let him have.
I'm sick of arguing with these fucking people.
And that might mean you'll have to live in a fucking right-wing nightmare where fucking nobody gets abortions and they ban anything that's cool.
And you're just, you know, you're living in the fucking like, like some weird theocracy.
I don't know.
But I mean, you know, it's just, it's getting silly.
It's getting silly in this place.
And I don't know what to tell people other than just fucking like, I don't know, folks, figure it out, you know?
Figure your stuff out.
But if you're a McDonald's franchisee, the last thing you have to worry about is a fucking Cardi B meal.
Enough.
Will you stop, please?
Act like it's a country club.
Well, we're, our people will be very offended by the, we must have a wholesome image here at McDonald's.
This is where people buy fucking pills in our parking lot.
What about the drug dealers who sell Percocet in our parking lot here in fucking Ohio?
They're going to be upset.
I don't think they'll have cheeseburgers anymore if they find out someone who's selling cheeseburgers said the word pussy in a song.
I mean, do these people live on fucking earth?
Do they live on fucking earth?
People are giving birth in your bathroom.
They're having children in the bathroom.
And those are your employees.
So I wouldn't worry about it.
TimDillonComedy.com for all your tickets to any live events.
Let's tell people where I'm going to be.
Kyle Rittenhouse Meal Idea00:04:04
I'm in Oklahoma City this week.
And this is coming out Saturday.
So if you're not there already, fuck you.
But Oklahoma City, March 9th through the 11th.
I'm in Palm Beach, Florida.
The great Palm Beach, maybe the greatest city in the United States, the richest.
They are getting mad in Palm Beach now because the old money is fighting with the New York new money.
The old Palm Beach women wear the lily Pulitzer and the pearls and it's very colorful.
And these new New York dykes are coming in there with all black and flat hair and they look super trendy and they're not fucking assimilating.
Assimilate.
See, this is what I mean.
Palm Beach, you better build that wall because the New York money's coming in and they're being cunts.
Palm Beach, Florida.
Thanks.
I'm sorry, not Thanksgiving.
The fucking day for my people, the mix, St. Patrick's Day.
I'll be in Napa, California.
It's our rescheduled date because of the flooding and hell.
Napa, California, Raleigh, the 24th and the 25th, Raleigh.
April 7th, Prior Lake, Minnesota.
April 8th, Grand Rapids, Michigan.
Thursday, April 13th, Inglewood, New Jersey.
April 14th, Huntington, New York.
15th of April, New Brunswick, New Jersey.
Sunday, April 16th, Huntington, New York.
Again, April 21st, Peoria, Illinois.
The 22nd, Kansas City, Missouri.
The 28th, Portland, Oregon.
The 29th, Tacoma, Washington.
And I didn't mean anything I said about the West Coast.
I didn't mean it.
But I think maybe some of the people coming to see with me will agree with me.
I do not know.
We support Cardi Bean Offset and their meal.
I think McDonald's should do like the most controversial meal.
Kanye West would be a very controversial meal, but I think they do.
You know what?
They got to give everybody something.
Do the Kyle Rittenhouse meal.
That's what it's lacking.
Do a Kyle Rittenhouse meal, okay?
And the Kyle Rittenhouse meal will be like a Big Mac, fucking cheese curds, because he was from Wisconsin, right?
Kenosha, Wisconsin.
So it'd be a Big Mac, some cheese curds, and a fucking, I don't know.
McFlurry.
A McFlurry.
Yeah, he's a little bit of a porker.
He's a little bit of a chubby.
He's a fatty boom baddie.
He's lost some weight, though.
But yeah, McFlurry, a Big Mac, and some cheese curds, the Kyle Rittenhouse meal.
And then they should just do one meal that will appeal to inner city youth, which is a huge demo.
And then another meal to appeal to white trash.
Another one.
Those are the two demos of McDonald's.
Inner city, stomp on her face, violent youth coming from the high school, and white trash cousin fuckers who will eat the Kyle Rittenhouse meal.
Those are your demographics.
Not like all, like, what is McDonald's thing's happening?
Like, a wholesome family is sitting there and they're like, hello, this is McDonald's.
We're all going to have a nice time together.
That's not what's happening.
It's not.
It's some like single mother that's just like fucking beating the shit out of her kid.
She's like, eat your kid.
I'm telling you, these people are out of it.
The Kyle Rittenhouse meal.
We should do that.
We should fucking.
I'll tweet it though.
I'll go, How about you do a fucking Kyle Rittenhouse meal?
You fucking losers.
Well, anyway, folks, we appreciate you listening.
We'll see you on patreon.com, The Tim Dylan Show.
Live tickets are on sale.
We're having so much fun doing stand-up all around the country.