The Tim Dillon Show - 323 - Ari Shaffir
Aired: 2022-11-14
Duration: 56:46


=== Feeling Kinship With Jews (07:08) ===

[00:00:00]  Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dylan Show in New York City.
[00:00:04]  I was here to do a show in Philly, which was great.
[00:00:07]  Thank you to everybody for coming out to Parks Casino.
[00:00:11]  And I'm at the Miami Improv November 17th through the 19th.
[00:00:15]  And this is our final guest of the year.
[00:00:19]  We're back to solo episodes, but we wanted to get you in.
[00:00:23]  Ari Shafir.
[00:00:24]  Thanks, buddy.
[00:00:26]  Tell the truth.
[00:00:26]  Park Casino full of fat, disgusting people, though, right?
[00:00:31]  Casino people are like gutter.
[00:00:33]  The people that came, my Tracy, Fat Tracy, hosted the show.
[00:00:38]  She brought in four or five women after the show to take a photo.
[00:00:43]  One woman had a gold chain, like the one Mr. T used to wear tied around her fupa.
[00:00:53]  I mean, the most disgusting, but you know, I'm sure the rest of the audience was lovely, but that one woman, I mean, it was wild, but but full of life.
[00:01:04]  Oh, no, they're having a good time.
[00:01:06]  They're having a good time.
[00:01:07]  They're out at a casino.
[00:01:09]  Yeah.
[00:01:09]  They're $11.99 meals.
[00:01:11]  You're special.
[00:01:12]  I have had three different people call me and go, this thing is so fucking good.
[00:01:17]  Oh, hell yeah.
[00:01:18]  It's amazing.
[00:01:19]  You've worked on it for five years.
[00:01:21]  It has a theme.
[00:01:23]  The theme is Jews.
[00:01:25]  The theme is taken over.
[00:01:26]  The theme is Jews.
[00:01:28]  It couldn't be more relevant right now.
[00:01:32]  I feel like people just discovered us because of Kanye put us over.
[00:01:35]  Yeah.
[00:01:36]  The way P. Diddy would do with Mace.
[00:01:38]  Yeah.
[00:01:40]  Why did you want to do an hour about the most hated group of people on earth?
[00:01:45]  I like to stir the pot, I guess.
[00:01:47]  That's a good question.
[00:01:48]  I went to Edinburgh.
[00:01:50]  They all do these dumb fucking theme hours and they're so bad at it.
[00:01:53]  I always get serious for so long.
[00:01:55]  Well, it's always like an hour is like I was misgendered at a fruit stand.
[00:01:59]  Yeah.
[00:02:00]  Or somebody's doing it from a treadmill the whole time.
[00:02:02]  Or it's just like some weird thing.
[00:02:04]  Yeah.
[00:02:04]  I was misgender since the end of my life.
[00:02:06]  Right.
[00:02:07]  Someone in a text thread called me retarded.
[00:02:10]  And that's an hour.
[00:02:11]  Yeah, it's an hour about this one nothing moment.
[00:02:13]  They always try to overpush the drama.
[00:02:15]  And you get Miss Pat, who just skates by her rape.
[00:02:19]  You don't even like, wait, what did she just say?
[00:02:20]  Yeah.
[00:02:21]  She was hit with a dump truck.
[00:02:23]  Yeah.
[00:02:23]  And she doesn't even really dwell on it.
[00:02:25]  Well, the dump truck didn't do farewell.
[00:02:27]  Right.
[00:02:27]  It's a good point.
[00:02:28]  Yeah.
[00:02:30]  What was it about?
[00:02:31]  Were you just like, I want to...
[00:02:33]  How Jewish even are you?
[00:02:34]  I don't even think of you as that.
[00:02:36]  You look very Jewish, but I don't think of you as a committed Jew.
[00:02:40]  I'm out.
[00:02:41]  That's the deal.
[00:02:42]  I'm out.
[00:02:42]  I'm not committed at all.
[00:02:43]  I don't give a shit about those people.
[00:02:44]  I do.
[00:02:45]  I care about them a little bit, but like, you have to.
[00:02:47]  Cultural.
[00:02:48]  That's it.
[00:02:48]  I look for bargains.
[00:02:50]  Yeah.
[00:02:50]  Little things you can't shake, you know, from your childhood.
[00:02:54]  You must see like a construction company and you go, oh, fuck, I could own that.
[00:02:59]  Yeah, I mean, my people are Irish, so I feel a kinship with my people.
[00:03:03]  100%.
[00:03:04]  I meant Long Island.
[00:03:06]  Long Island, I feel a kinship with criminals and people that do prescription drugs.
[00:03:10]  Yes.
[00:03:11]  Contractors.
[00:03:12]  No, but I feel people, the people that you grew up around are the people that you love.
[00:03:18]  Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[00:03:18]  Yeah, that's what it is.
[00:03:20]  So I just wanted to show everybody what they were.
[00:03:22]  And what are they?
[00:03:24]  They're just like everybody else.
[00:03:26]  That's not true.
[00:03:28]  They're better.
[00:03:29]  We value education.
[00:03:30]  Yeah.
[00:03:31]  We're not born intelligent.
[00:03:32]  It might be genetic.
[00:03:33]  Let's be honest.
[00:03:34]  There's not going to be any studies on it, but we are smarter.
[00:03:38]  Aren't the IQs of Ashkenazi Jews very high?
[00:03:41]  Extremely high.
[00:03:42]  I mean, is that any surprise?
[00:03:45]  No.
[00:03:45]  No.
[00:03:46]  Woody Allen wrote his own movies.
[00:03:49]  A lot of these guys just take on someone else's project.
[00:03:51]  You think Michael Bay even knows how to write?
[00:03:54]  No, he doesn't.
[00:03:55]  He just has special effects.
[00:03:57]  Yeah, we're extremely intelligent.
[00:03:59]  We value education.
[00:04:00]  We stick to ourselves.
[00:04:01]  We fucking, you know, raise our kids, right?
[00:04:04]  When you hear Kanye throw out all these things, it's collusion.
[00:04:08]  The people there working together against the others.
[00:04:13]  Do you understand at all where he comes from?
[00:04:17]  Yeah, we help ourselves.
[00:04:18]  We all went to like Jewish, like, dentists and stuff.
[00:04:20]  Right.
[00:04:21]  You know, it's just like, you know, support, support.
[00:04:23]  This is what fucking Killer Mike says about black people.
[00:04:26]  Right.
[00:04:26]  How come you don't support each other's business?
[00:04:28]  So we're like, yeah, we know.
[00:04:29]  We figured it out.
[00:04:30]  There seems to be a tough relationship between Jewish music executives and black performers.
[00:04:35]  Yeah, here's why.
[00:04:36]  We design everything they do.
[00:04:37]  That do-rag that 50 Cent had, that's Jew designed.
[00:04:41]  Really?
[00:04:41]  We choose all that shit.
[00:04:43]  They run it by us, and then we choose what will.
[00:04:46]  We do market research and we just figure out what's the best.
[00:04:48]  Millie Vanilli, it was all Jews who were singing this stuff.
[00:04:51]  Right.
[00:04:52]  We've just like planned it, but we know we're not cool looking.
[00:04:56]  And also, yeah, we kill it in the management industry.
[00:04:58]  You know why?
[00:04:59]  Why comedy managers and agents are Jews?
[00:05:02]  Why the record?
[00:05:04]  Because you need to be having someone funneling your money the first three years when you're not making any money.
[00:05:07]  Right.
[00:05:08]  Who else could afford that?
[00:05:09]  Only rich.
[00:05:10]  Right.
[00:05:11]  No.
[00:05:12]  Well, that's good.
[00:05:13]  Follow your dream.
[00:05:14]  These are all good things.
[00:05:16]  Good things.
[00:05:16]  But here's the thing also.
[00:05:18]  Yeah.
[00:05:18]  Because I grew up with Jews on Long Island.
[00:05:20]  Oh, there's tons.
[00:05:21]  Whom I love.
[00:05:22]  Yeah.
[00:05:23]  Loud.
[00:05:24]  They're a little loud.
[00:05:25]  Obnoxious.
[00:05:26]  Complainy, for sure.
[00:05:28]  Complainers.
[00:05:28]  Yeah.
[00:05:29]  But you need in an area where there are no Jews and Italians, there's no good food because wasps will not complain because they don't want to look a waiter in the eye because they feel so above them.
[00:05:40]  They don't even complain.
[00:05:42]  A Jewish person will...
[00:05:44]  We'll go back there.
[00:05:44]  Yes.
[00:05:45]  We'll go back there.
[00:05:45]  Hey, no, no, no.
[00:05:47]  Right.
[00:05:47]  So switch it.
[00:05:49]  Yeah, absolutely.
[00:05:49]  I was at the Galapagos and the guy was like, I mentioned I was Jewish.
[00:05:52]  He goes, is that like Israeli?
[00:05:54]  I'm like, yeah, sure.
[00:05:55]  He goes, I've had three Israelis stay here and they just go to the kitchen.
[00:06:00]  They just go and cook themselves stuff in our life.
[00:06:02]  And I'm like, yeah, yeah.
[00:06:03]  Why would we wait?
[00:06:04]  Why is there so much anti-Semitism?
[00:06:08]  It's kind of like where people hate the Patriots.
[00:06:10]  Right.
[00:06:11]  They win.
[00:06:11]  They win.
[00:06:12]  Right.
[00:06:12]  Yeah.
[00:06:13]  No one hates Cambodians.
[00:06:17]  No, I'm kidding.
[00:06:18]  I don't even know.
[00:06:18]  You know?
[00:06:19]  Yeah, yeah.
[00:06:20]  There is a lot.
[00:06:21]  I saw Brian Holtzman, you know, Holtzman, right?
[00:06:23]  Of course.
[00:06:23]  He saw some Jewish lady in the front row.
[00:06:25]  He goes, what are you, Jewish?
[00:06:26]  She goes, yeah.
[00:06:26]  He goes, why does everybody hate you?
[00:06:28]  Yeah.
[00:06:28]  She goes, I don't know.
[00:06:29]  He goes, hey, you think you'd ask?
[00:06:31]  If everybody hated me.
[00:06:32]  Yeah.
[00:06:32]  I might ask.
[00:06:33]  Is the hour about being a Jew?
[00:06:36]  All of it.
[00:06:37]  Being a Jew, what Judaism is, the laws, the history, the Bible stories.
[00:06:42]  Where does Judaism come from?
[00:06:43]  I'm genuinely curious.
[00:06:48]  Who was the first Jew?
[00:06:50]  Good question.
[00:06:51]  I guess Abraham.
[00:06:53]  Right.
[00:06:53]  Yeah.
[00:06:54]  Yeah, Abraham was probably.
[00:06:56]  Yeah, Abraham was the first Jew.
[00:06:57]  Before that, everybody was equal.
[00:06:58]  Do you know you go to heaven without even having to do what we do?
[00:07:02]  Well, you don't believe in heaven.
[00:07:03]  I don't.
[00:07:04]  Jews don't.
[00:07:06]  No, we believe in heaven.
[00:07:06]  We don't believe in hell.

=== Starting Comedy From Rehab (11:16) ===

[00:07:08]  Oh.
[00:07:08]  Purgatory.
[00:07:09]  We got purgatory only.
[00:07:10]  I'm a Christian, which is a perfected Jew because Jesus came.
[00:07:16]  Ann Coulter said that once.
[00:07:18]  Jesus came and said, I'm dying for your sins.
[00:07:23]  And you guys said, we're going to...
[00:07:26]  Did you guys do it or did the Romans kill Jesus?
[00:07:28]  Who killed Jesus?
[00:07:29]  We don't get our hands dirty.
[00:07:30]  Right, it's a good point.
[00:07:32]  Yeah, you know, who built the deck?
[00:07:34]  Oh, I built a deck in my house.
[00:07:36]  I built a new, no, Mexicans did it.
[00:07:38]  When you go to Israel, do you feel a kinship?
[00:07:40]  Do you feel, because when I go to Dublin, Ireland, I go, yeah, I see everyone looks like a potato.
[00:07:45]  I get it.
[00:07:46]  Pasty face.
[00:07:47]  Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure.
[00:07:48]  They're so much tougher there, though.
[00:07:49]  Yeah.
[00:07:50]  They're living in the fucking on the edge all the time.
[00:07:52]  Have you been there ever?
[00:07:54]  Never.
[00:07:54]  You got to do one of those obviously.
[00:07:56]  You're too dirty to go on one of those gigs.
[00:07:57]  I am too.
[00:07:59]  What are the they're living on the edge because of what?
[00:08:02]  War any moment.
[00:08:02]  There's going to be a fucking bombing in a center tech.
[00:08:05]  You know, Tel Aviv, the stuff that Israel?
[00:08:07]  Yeah.
[00:08:08]  I haven't heard about this.
[00:08:10]  The Middle East?
[00:08:11]  They're so calm.
[00:08:12]  I heard an old prime minister or whatever.
[00:08:15]  He said, what's the problem in the Middle East?
[00:08:16]  He goes, America's looking at it like, oh, we'll trade you some land for peace, whatever.
[00:08:20]  And he goes, you know, gold or whatever, whatever you don't want to do to trade.
[00:08:23]  He goes, there they're operating on a different thing.
[00:08:25]  They go, our God told us to kill you.
[00:08:27]  Right.
[00:08:27]  You can't really negotiate.
[00:08:29]  How do you fix that?
[00:08:30]  And I won't hold you to this, but like.
[00:08:33]  Many people say kill them all.
[00:08:34]  Right.
[00:08:35]  I don't.
[00:08:36]  Right.
[00:08:37]  You mean, and them all, you mean the Palestinians.
[00:08:39]  They both think the same way.
[00:08:40]  Right.
[00:08:41]  Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[00:08:41]  Yeah.
[00:08:42]  They're both like, yeah.
[00:08:43]  Well, who's the have you gone to the Gaza Strip?
[00:08:46]  No, I go by there.
[00:08:48]  Dude, they used to take you on buses, like armed cars, like, you know, bars in the windows.
[00:08:54]  Rocks would start throwing at you.
[00:08:56]  It was crazy.
[00:08:57]  It's the fucking front lines.
[00:08:59]  Yeah.
[00:09:00]  It's 20 years ago.
[00:09:01]  Last time I went to like places like that.
[00:09:03]  Is it fair what Israel did?
[00:09:06]  No.
[00:09:07]  No.
[00:09:08]  It's terrible.
[00:09:09]  It's terrible, dude.
[00:09:10]  Those people live poor.
[00:09:13]  I mean, it comes from a place.
[00:09:14]  There's like real war.
[00:09:16]  We took them over from fucking Jordan.
[00:09:18]  And Jordan's like, we don't want them.
[00:09:20]  Right.
[00:09:20]  He's like, come get your refugees back.
[00:09:22]  Like, nah, they're your problem now.
[00:09:24]  Imagine if Mexico attacked and we drove them back, you know, 50 yards and be like, all right, well, these are all yours.
[00:09:29]  Mexico's like, nah, take all those Tijuanans.
[00:09:33]  Yeah.
[00:09:34]  It's a difficult thing.
[00:09:37]  Because it's best not to think about it.
[00:09:39]  Bury your head in the sand is the best thing.
[00:09:41]  One viewpoint is the viewpoint that I have, which is I don't, I don't care.
[00:09:46]  That's me.
[00:09:47]  I'm unaffected.
[00:09:48]  Yeah.
[00:09:49]  And I don't know how to fix it.
[00:09:52]  I don't have any opinion on how to fix it.
[00:09:54]  Yeah.
[00:09:55]  That's the viewpoint.
[00:09:56]  That's the viewpoint.
[00:09:57]  And it's like the homelessness.
[00:09:58]  And the people are like, well, how did you fix it?
[00:09:59]  I'm like, I'm not in charge of that.
[00:10:01]  Right.
[00:10:01]  What the fuck?
[00:10:02]  I don't know.
[00:10:03]  Here's the thought.
[00:10:04]  Get a home, you nut.
[00:10:07]  I mean, these people without homes, it's insane.
[00:10:10]  Yeah, you want to live in Manhattan so bad.
[00:10:11]  You can't live here.
[00:10:12]  The price is too high.
[00:10:13]  Haven't you seen the movies where people are in a house with a fire?
[00:10:17]  Doesn't that look better than that tent?
[00:10:20]  You nut.
[00:10:21]  They're goons.
[00:10:22]  You think the first person to give them a tent, be like, oh, I have an idea.
[00:10:24]  They have an old tent.
[00:10:25]  I'll give it to you.
[00:10:26]  They didn't used to have a tent.
[00:10:27]  I don't even believe these people are homeless.
[00:10:29]  I think they're just making a point.
[00:10:31]  What's the point?
[00:10:33]  They're like fucking, I don't know.
[00:10:35]  They want to be special.
[00:10:38]  Outlaws.
[00:10:39]  They want to be special.
[00:10:40]  So they're like, oh, I live in a tent.
[00:10:42]  You're like, we get it.
[00:10:44]  But it's not even special anymore.
[00:10:45]  Everybody's doing it.
[00:10:46]  It's like bringing it to Alanis the first year.
[00:10:47]  I get it.
[00:10:48]  Yeah.
[00:10:49]  I'm sick of homelessness.
[00:10:51]  I won't tolerate it.
[00:10:52]  I won't tolerate any discussion of it.
[00:10:55]  I will pretend it doesn't exist until I am homeless very soon.
[00:10:59]  You ever go to another city where homeless is new and then some homeless guy will come up and talk to you, just like ignore him and keep talking.
[00:11:05]  People like, how do you do that?
[00:11:06]  Yeah.
[00:11:06]  Like, oh, practice.
[00:11:07]  Oh, yeah.
[00:11:08]  I'm a pro at it now.
[00:11:10]  LA's got 40,000 homeless people.
[00:11:13]  Is that true?
[00:11:13]  They're a voting block.
[00:11:15]  They have a Kansas City of homeless in LA.
[00:11:18]  Wow.
[00:11:18]  But you ignore it.
[00:11:19]  They don't vote.
[00:11:20]  They don't vote.
[00:11:21]  No.
[00:11:22]  You should buy their votes at swing places.
[00:11:24]  Didn't they do that?
[00:11:25]  They have ticks and they won't show up and they're foaming at the mouth.
[00:11:29]  They're all on fentanyl.
[00:11:30]  Yeah, if they organize, that's probably their biggest problem, though.
[00:11:33]  They're not organized.
[00:11:34]  There's got to be a few sober homeless people that are like, man, I'm really missing out.
[00:11:39]  They have weed homeless in LA.
[00:11:41]  They don't hang out with the heroin homeless.
[00:11:43]  Interesting.
[00:11:44]  Yeah, they're like, nah, those people are.
[00:11:45]  How are you homeless from getting high?
[00:11:48]  Those dabs, bro.
[00:11:49]  I mean, damn, that was a strong edible.
[00:11:52]  You're homeless for smoking weed.
[00:11:55]  Just forgot to keep forgetting to pay the rent.
[00:11:57]  What a fucking embarrassing thing to say.
[00:11:59]  Let's go for men.
[00:12:00]  Dude, I went to rehab for Percocet and I was embarrassed because everybody else was like oxies.
[00:12:06]  You went to rehab for Percocet?
[00:12:07]  Yeah.
[00:12:08]  Heroin.
[00:12:08]  How good is Percocet?
[00:12:09]  It's amazing, but it was gay.
[00:12:12]  Like when I was in there, everybody's like, I'm an Oxy cotton addict.
[00:12:15]  I'm a heroin addict.
[00:12:16]  I'm a crackhead.
[00:12:17]  And I'm like, I do Percocet.
[00:12:19]  They're like, oh, you're gay.
[00:12:21]  That's how I figured out I was gay.
[00:12:22]  They were like, you're gay.
[00:12:24]  And you started to examine it.
[00:12:25]  You're like, maybe.
[00:12:26]  They're like, you're a dumb faggot.
[00:12:28]  No, I'm kidding.
[00:12:28]  I knew before that.
[00:12:31]  Yeah.
[00:12:32]  Yeah.
[00:12:32]  I wonder with the homeless, it's like, yeah.
[00:12:36]  Do you ever see one of those people like start to kill them?
[00:12:39]  You know, when there's like a rash of it and everyone kind of like, we're going to ignore this story.
[00:12:43]  Oh, I've never seen that.
[00:12:45]  There's like, oh, 10 people have shown up murdered in the last three days.
[00:12:48]  Well, they start fires.
[00:12:50]  And I'm, you know, I'm not judging them.
[00:12:52]  It's camping.
[00:12:53]  If you're going to camp, you got to have a campfire.
[00:12:54]  But they start fires and they, in California, they burn things down.
[00:12:58]  Like what?
[00:12:59]  Valuable things?
[00:13:00]  Well, they start the fires.
[00:13:01]  They start the theater.
[00:13:02]  They start massive fires that burned out all these houses.
[00:13:06]  Good.
[00:13:06]  Well, it's just a bunch of actors.
[00:13:08]  It's a way to think.
[00:13:09]  But Joe Rogan was up there and he had to be evacuated.
[00:13:12]  Well, they had fucking fires for the homeless, too.
[00:13:14]  Sure.
[00:13:15]  Wait, they started the forest fires?
[00:13:17]  Yeah.
[00:13:19]  Climate change is homeless people fucking around.
[00:13:23]  Yeah.
[00:13:23]  They're bringing back the plague.
[00:13:24]  That's the majority of what it is.
[00:13:26]  Nobody wants to admit it.
[00:13:27]  Nobody wants to admit it.
[00:13:28]  They call it pollution for businesses.
[00:13:30]  They're like, oh, it's the fucking whatever.
[00:13:32]  It's no, it's homeless people start fires for fun because they're bored.
[00:13:38]  And then they don't care.
[00:13:38]  They don't have a community to protect.
[00:13:40]  It doesn't.
[00:13:40]  They don't care.
[00:13:41]  They just march away.
[00:13:42]  And they leave.
[00:13:43]  Interesting.
[00:13:44]  Interesting.
[00:13:45]  You heard it here first.
[00:13:47]  That's what's going on.
[00:13:50]  It's true.
[00:13:52]  Everything is true.
[00:13:53]  How long did you go to rehab for?
[00:13:55]  I went to rehab for, so I was supposed to go for like 28 days, but they cut me off because my insurance said he's going to be okay.
[00:14:05]  So seven days.
[00:14:07]  Really?
[00:14:08]  I didn't know you were like, I got to go.
[00:14:10]  This is too much.
[00:14:12]  I was at a point when I said I should give this a shot.
[00:14:17]  Give rehab a shot.
[00:14:18]  Give it a shot.
[00:14:19]  Because you couldn't stop?
[00:14:20]  Well, I didn't want to.
[00:14:22]  Right, right.
[00:14:22]  But then I knew I had to.
[00:14:25]  And I'm like, if I don't give it a shot, I'll regret it.
[00:14:29]  Yeah, before it's too late.
[00:14:30]  Yeah.
[00:14:31]  And I wanted to go and like, you know, you feel, as a drug addict, you feel like there's certain things you should do.
[00:14:37]  And one of them is go to a rehab.
[00:14:40]  Also, it's cool.
[00:14:41]  It's amazing.
[00:14:42]  It's cool to say you went to rehab.
[00:14:44]  It's badass.
[00:14:46]  Yeah.
[00:14:47]  It's one of my favorite things about myself is that I went to rehab.
[00:14:51]  Yeah.
[00:14:52]  All the time I bring it out.
[00:14:54]  I went to rehab.
[00:14:55]  That's cool as shit.
[00:14:56]  It's cool.
[00:14:58]  It's such a fucking rock star thing.
[00:15:01]  Of course.
[00:15:01]  He had to be sent to rehab.
[00:15:02]  Having a drug problem or being mentally ill is fucking awesome.
[00:15:07]  Yeah.
[00:15:08]  It's one of the coolest things you can do.
[00:15:11]  Being a boring piece of shit who goes to work every day and fucking pays his fat family's bills is gay.
[00:15:21]  Going to rehab.
[00:15:24]  Being a junkie.
[00:15:25]  It's so cool.
[00:15:26]  It is cool.
[00:15:27]  Being out in the street.
[00:15:28]  You're just like, damn, especially in the summer.
[00:15:30]  Oh, yeah.
[00:15:30]  Great to go, bro.
[00:15:31]  If you're a kid.
[00:15:32]  Outlaw.
[00:15:33]  If you're a kid right now and you're listening to this show.
[00:15:37]  Start.
[00:15:38]  Start using drugs with the idea that one day you'll go to rehab.
[00:15:42]  Yeah, you can just clean it up.
[00:15:44]  Do you have parents that both work?
[00:15:45]  Do you have a second car?
[00:15:47]  You'll be taken care of.
[00:15:48]  You're fine.
[00:15:48]  You're fine.
[00:15:49]  Here's the deal.
[00:15:50]  Two of the people I went to rehab with are now dead.
[00:15:53]  Really?
[00:15:53]  Yes.
[00:15:54]  From what?
[00:15:54]  Killing it so hard?
[00:15:56]  Drugs.
[00:15:57]  No.
[00:15:57]  It's drugs.
[00:15:58]  What happened to the rehab?
[00:15:59]  They still did drugs after the rehab.
[00:16:02]  After, that's one of the big issues with rehab.
[00:16:04]  Well, yeah.
[00:16:06]  They're like viewed as taking a break.
[00:16:07]  So they left the rehab and their tolerances went down.
[00:16:14]  That's what happened to Philip Seymour Hoffman.
[00:16:15]  That's right.
[00:16:16]  Doing his fucking college heroin when you got to do your old man heroin.
[00:16:19]  That's right.
[00:16:20]  You can't go right to your same dosage.
[00:16:22]  You get out of rehab.
[00:16:23]  Did they not tell him?
[00:16:24]  Did they not tell you?
[00:16:26]  They should go, when you relapse, Tim.
[00:16:28]  Yeah.
[00:16:29]  Go half.
[00:16:31]  I actually didn't.
[00:16:33]  Like when I got out of rehab, I was good.
[00:16:36]  For how long?
[00:16:37]  I got into comedy.
[00:16:39]  Oh, really?
[00:16:40]  Yeah.
[00:16:41]  Oh, I thought this was like recent.
[00:16:42]  No, recent.
[00:16:44]  What do you mean?
[00:16:45]  I thought I just heard you went to rehab.
[00:16:46]  I haven't touched a drink.
[00:16:48]  I haven't seen you in a little bit.
[00:16:49]  I haven't touched a drink in 12 years.
[00:16:50]  It's because you're a loser.
[00:16:52]  I have things to do.
[00:16:53]  Yeah, fair.
[00:16:54]  Fair at building an empire.
[00:16:55]  12 years' studio.
[00:16:58]  Renting out the lowest level studio.
[00:17:00]  Yeah, building an empire, sitting in a basement.
[00:17:02]  But what am I going to do?
[00:17:04]  You know, it's a great studio.
[00:17:05]  Every time I come here, I try to give, I pay the producer.
[00:17:12]  I don't pay a studio rental fee, which is nice.
[00:17:15]  Best not to.
[00:17:16]  It's best not to.
[00:17:17]  Don't give it up for thanks for that guy.
[00:17:18]  Yeah, and I love Lewis Gomez.
[00:17:21]  Cut that.
[00:17:23]  And that's why we support this.
[00:17:24]  Yeah.
[00:17:25]  But yeah, I haven't done anything in 12 years.
[00:17:27]  Wait.
[00:17:27]  You thought I was in rehab like last week?
[00:17:30]  You started comedy out of rehab?
[00:17:31]  I don't know when you said it.
[00:17:32]  I was like, dad, so fucking cool.
[00:17:34]  I may go to rehab now because now I'm thinking about what if I go without a problem.
[00:17:38]  Also, money rehab?
[00:17:40]  The rehab you'll get now.
[00:17:41]  Oh, the yoga classes, the massages, the tropical fruit.
[00:17:46]  Can you go to rehab for being fat?
[00:17:48]  Ooh, yo, yeah.
[00:17:49]  Sure.
[00:17:50]  Yeah, absolutely.
[00:17:51]  There's fat rehab.
[00:17:52]  Yeah.
[00:17:53]  So I'll go to fat rehab.
[00:17:54]  You can also just go to a resort.
[00:17:57]  But then have a great time, get fatter.
[00:17:59]  Yeah, but if you go to rehab, they'll make you less fat.
[00:18:03]  You think so?
[00:18:04]  That's the goal.
[00:18:05]  Yeah.
[00:18:05]  If you go to fat rehab.
[00:18:07]  Yeah, you go to drug rehab, they make you less drugs.
[00:18:10]  Two out of three, dead.
[00:18:12]  If I go to drug rehab sober already, I'm just going to eat because no one will judge you.
[00:18:18]  I'll just smoke cigarettes and eat.
[00:18:20]  I want to go to fat rehab.
[00:18:21]  Yeah, you should.
[00:18:22]  Have you ever thought, because you do lots of reasons?

=== Fighting For Trans And Fat Rights (14:40) ===

[00:18:24]  What should they do?
[00:18:25]  Just celery all day?
[00:18:26]  They give you like juices.
[00:18:29]  You eat better at a drug rehab, probably.
[00:18:31]  Yeah, well, I think at a fat rehab, they'll ask you like, what are your goals?
[00:18:36]  Why are you here?
[00:18:38]  What are the behaviors that we need to stop?
[00:18:41]  And you just go, being fat.
[00:18:43]  Right.
[00:18:44]  But now they're like barely allowed to ask that because of the fat activist movement.
[00:18:47]  Fat shaming.
[00:18:48]  They can't really ask.
[00:18:49]  You know how great Americans are?
[00:18:51]  Big fat's disgusting.
[00:18:53]  Yeah.
[00:18:53]  And then they go, hey, I don't want to face that.
[00:18:55]  So I'll just make it socially illegal to even mention it.
[00:18:58]  I'll change the law around.
[00:19:00]  All of these things are ridiculous.
[00:19:02]  You end up respecting because at the end of the day, you lose.
[00:19:07]  Like, we're not going to win it.
[00:19:09]  Like, this thing with trans kids, you're not going to win.
[00:19:12]  The next generation is all going to be trans.
[00:19:15]  There's nothing you can do about it.
[00:19:16]  It's going to be stupid not to go trans a little bit.
[00:19:18]  And they're going to be fat and trans.
[00:19:20]  That's it.
[00:19:21]  Oh, no, fat trans.
[00:19:22]  Oh, it's all the worst trans.
[00:19:24]  Dress like a model.
[00:19:25]  That's the only benefit.
[00:19:26]  You go, whoa, who's that?
[00:19:27]  And somebody's like, oh, okay.
[00:19:29]  But they look good.
[00:19:30]  No.
[00:19:30]  You can't have them looking bad.
[00:19:32]  You're going to have fat trans people everywhere in every corner of your vision.
[00:19:38]  If you can't deal with that, leave America.
[00:19:41]  You're fighting these battles that are, they're not going to be won ever.
[00:19:46]  Trans, don't.
[00:19:46]  Don't.
[00:19:47]  Fight it.
[00:19:47]  From the inside the community.
[00:19:49]  Have an idea that looks are important.
[00:19:52]  We need your trans community to keep us safe.
[00:19:55]  So you're saying hot trans people.
[00:19:57]  Yeah.
[00:19:58]  They should bring back hot.
[00:19:59]  They dress better than a heterosexual woman.
[00:20:02]  Yeah, but there's a new kind of trans which I don't even think you're realizing.
[00:20:06]  What is it?
[00:20:06]  It's a fat trans movement.
[00:20:09]  Oh, no.
[00:20:10]  Yes.
[00:20:10]  These are the unforeseen consequences.
[00:20:12]  It's the non-binary movement that's not really trans.
[00:20:16]  It's just kind of fat.
[00:20:22]  And they have blue hair and they like cartoons.
[00:20:27]  Just losers.
[00:20:28]  Yeah.
[00:20:28]  Well, maybe.
[00:20:29]  Well, you said that, but just losers.
[00:20:31]  And they're like, what are you?
[00:20:32]  Shut up.
[00:20:33]  I'm trans or something.
[00:20:34]  Fat, trans, autistic people are going to rule you.
[00:20:38]  And if you don't like it, leave America.
[00:20:42]  And if I was running, I would say that.
[00:20:44]  I'd be like, we can't fight these people.
[00:20:47]  We can't.
[00:20:47]  We have to wipe them out.
[00:20:48]  Kill them all.
[00:20:48]  If you don't like a 300-pound gender non-conforming, blue-haired Lord of the Rings fan, that's going to be.
[00:20:56]  You know what they're going to do?
[00:20:56]  They're going to make votes public so you can't do a private vote anymore.
[00:21:00]  And every trans is going to win.
[00:21:01]  Yeah.
[00:21:02]  Trans black autism.
[00:21:03]  And you should, it should happen.
[00:21:06]  That's progress.
[00:21:07]  Because the energy to fight all of this.
[00:21:10]  It's not worth it.
[00:21:11]  It's not worth it.
[00:21:12]  Enjoy your boat.
[00:21:13]  Go have fun.
[00:21:15]  Yeah.
[00:21:15]  This is what I feel like.
[00:21:16]  Russia, Ukraine.
[00:21:17]  You're all worried about the fucking nuclear apocalypse.
[00:21:18]  And I'm like, I'm going to be skiing.
[00:21:20]  I just, my whole attitude is like, I would like to not have one over the Ukraine.
[00:21:24]  Yeah.
[00:21:25]  Can we stop pretending we care?
[00:21:26]  Yeah, make it over like China, Russia.
[00:21:28]  Something better.
[00:21:29]  Something better.
[00:21:30]  Somewhere cool.
[00:21:31]  Ukraine, nobody's going there.
[00:21:33]  Do Jews ever get to a point where people are like, you're fucking cool now?
[00:21:41]  Yeah, it goes back and forth.
[00:21:42]  Right.
[00:21:43]  It really does.
[00:21:44]  It ebbs and flows.
[00:21:45]  Yeah.
[00:21:46]  Every fucking picture of a Palestinian like 12-year-old with an arm missing from a fucking shell going off, that doesn't help.
[00:21:53]  You guys love to kill the kids.
[00:21:55]  We do.
[00:21:56]  You kill these Palestinian kids.
[00:21:58]  I mean, it's like nothing I've ever seen.
[00:22:00]  Barry Weiss came on my show and I said, you know, you bomb schools.
[00:22:05]  And she goes, and we also bomb hospitals.
[00:22:06]  We have to.
[00:22:07]  And I'm like, that's your defense.
[00:22:09]  She goes, because that's where the terrorists are.
[00:22:11]  It might have been opposite.
[00:22:12]  I might have said hospitals.
[00:22:13]  She might have said we also have to bomb schools.
[00:22:14]  Because she goes, the terrorists all hide in the schools and hospitals.
[00:22:17]  But you guys.
[00:22:18]  I realize they're not going to bomb this.
[00:22:19]  And I go, all right.
[00:22:20]  You just kill these Palestinian children.
[00:22:24]  Yeah.
[00:22:25]  I mean, they don't fight back.
[00:22:26]  It's the easiest one to be.
[00:22:27]  If you've got to pick on somebody, pick on the weak.
[00:22:29]  It's very sad.
[00:22:31]  Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[00:22:33]  I'm not that offended by it.
[00:22:35]  It's like you said, I don't care.
[00:22:36]  I'm honest.
[00:22:37]  Even when I go there, they're not, it's homeless here.
[00:22:39]  Here's the only reason I'm not that offended by it.
[00:22:42]  I have an agent.
[00:22:43]  No, I'm kidding.
[00:22:45]  It's not my war.
[00:22:46]  It's not my fight.
[00:22:47]  I don't feel, I don't want children dying.
[00:22:50]  Yeah.
[00:22:51]  But like they, their kids die too, I guess, right?
[00:22:55]  Yeah.
[00:22:55]  Is there a way to say I don't care without sounding callous?
[00:22:57]  No.
[00:22:58]  To mean like half no caring for this issue.
[00:23:01]  It's not like I don't care.
[00:23:02]  It's like, it's like, oh, that's not something I care about.
[00:23:04]  It actually sounds horrible to everyone listening right now that both of us don't care.
[00:23:09]  I just got better shit to deal with.
[00:23:11]  There's no way.
[00:23:11]  The day in here is amazing.
[00:23:13]  There's no good way to say that kids are being, there's armless children running around and I don't care.
[00:23:19]  What do you think about Israeli food?
[00:23:22]  Underrated.
[00:23:23]  It's pretty damn good.
[00:23:24]  Yeah, the hummus, the humus, flawful.
[00:23:29]  And they're mixing now.
[00:23:29]  They have fusion of Arab and Israeli food.
[00:23:31]  Is there any truth to these conspiracies to choose run the world or the media?
[00:23:35]  Cut that, please.
[00:23:40]  Is there anything?
[00:23:40]  No, what is that?
[00:23:41]  What do you mean?
[00:23:42]  I'm asking you.
[00:23:42]  Who owns the New York Times?
[00:23:44]  Look it up.
[00:23:45]  The Salzburgers?
[00:23:46]  Damn, that sounds true.
[00:23:48]  That's Salzburger.
[00:23:49]  Who owns the Washington Post?
[00:23:50]  Bezos.
[00:23:52]  Okay, one guy, one Gentile.
[00:23:54]  Yeah, we let one in.
[00:23:56]  And guest digital is run by.
[00:23:58]  We had Chris Allen at the wedding.
[00:23:59]  Oh, Ralph is Jewish, right?
[00:24:00]  No.
[00:24:01]  Yes, he is.
[00:24:03]  Oh, yes, he is.
[00:24:04]  Lewis is just a Puerto Rican face of this.
[00:24:06]  Yeah, he's a face.
[00:24:07]  We had Chris Allen at Norman's wedding and was like, oh, here's our not racist.
[00:24:11]  Parade Chris Allen forward.
[00:24:13]  So there's no truth.
[00:24:15]  Wait, no.
[00:24:15]  What about a group?
[00:24:17]  It's not like a group.
[00:24:18]  It is a group.
[00:24:18]  It's not a group.
[00:24:19]  We're not in cahoots.
[00:24:20]  We just kill it.
[00:24:21]  What do you want us to do?
[00:24:22]  Not kill it?
[00:24:23]  What about the Rothschilds?
[00:24:25]  They financed both sides in the war and went, you know?
[00:24:29]  Yeah, I do know.
[00:24:29]  How about that?
[00:24:30]  How about that?
[00:24:31]  We turn a profit.
[00:24:32]  What do you want us to do?
[00:24:32]  It's a profitable business, the media.
[00:24:34]  Okay.
[00:24:35]  But why would there be, there's anti-Jewish articles.
[00:24:39]  Why would we allow that?
[00:24:40]  Because it doesn't hurt profits.
[00:24:43]  Prophets are all that matters.
[00:24:44]  Okay, be anti-Israel.
[00:24:46]  Just be anti-So from us.
[00:24:49]  Not even us, from them.
[00:24:51]  What about these?
[00:24:51]  I don't know the Rothschilds.
[00:24:53]  Are you a self-hating Jew?
[00:24:54]  Is that what they call you?
[00:24:55]  Sometimes, right when I got out, I was like, what the fuck is wrong with you people?
[00:24:58]  Right.
[00:24:59]  Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[00:24:59]  I hate a lot of them.
[00:25:00]  It's a lot of what Kanye said.
[00:25:02]  It was like, this and that.
[00:25:04]  No one said he was wrong.
[00:25:05]  They just told him to be quiet.
[00:25:07]  Yeah.
[00:25:07]  You know?
[00:25:08]  It's a complex and beautiful culture.
[00:25:11]  I wouldn't say beautiful.
[00:25:13]  Well, you know, you know, the good things.
[00:25:17]  They do a lot of good things.
[00:25:20]  The Holocaust Memorial.
[00:25:23]  Beautiful.
[00:25:24]  Let's get into that Holocaust because here's what I've heard.
[00:25:28]  Yeah.
[00:25:29]  This is what I've heard, and I'm just saying this.
[00:25:32]  Okay, just report on it.
[00:25:33]  I've heard it was very bad.
[00:25:36]  So far, no issues.
[00:25:37]  Okay.
[00:25:38]  Okay.
[00:25:38]  What else have you heard?
[00:25:39]  But it wasn't six.
[00:25:42]  I've heard it wasn't six.
[00:25:43]  I've heard it was four.
[00:25:44]  Four.
[00:25:44]  I've heard it was four.
[00:25:46]  That would be a nice exaggeration because if it goes to 200,000 to 6 million, like, it's unbelievable.
[00:25:50]  If you go to 4 million, like, we can up this a bit.
[00:25:53]  I've heard it was four.
[00:25:54]  I mean, that Woody Allen joke and the scary thing is records are made to be broken.
[00:25:57]  I mean, isn't he...
[00:25:58]  Can we just say he's a genius and enough already?
[00:26:01]  He's a genius.
[00:26:01]  He's a genius and worth it.
[00:26:04]  He did the wrong thing.
[00:26:05]  No, he did the wrong thing.
[00:26:06]  By marrying our actress.
[00:26:08]  By marrying an actress.
[00:26:10]  But, you know, do you believe it was 6 million?
[00:26:14]  I don't really know.
[00:26:16]  But it's odd that that's a very even number.
[00:26:19]  It's strangely even.
[00:26:21]  It's strangely even.
[00:26:23]  It's like, it's like when you get hit with the comedy check, you know, from whatever, and they go, we had exactly 40 comps.
[00:26:29]  That's what we were allowed.
[00:26:30]  Exactly 40.
[00:26:31]  Like, not 32 through the weekend.
[00:26:33]  Why does the Holocaust get more attention than the potato famine, which starved and killed many of my people?
[00:26:38]  Do you know?
[00:26:39]  I don't know.
[00:26:40]  Total IQ is lost.
[00:26:42]  What do you mean?
[00:26:43]  Nothing lost from the fucking potato famine.
[00:26:46]  Dude, the Irish.
[00:26:47]  You one step above the Italian.
[00:26:48]  We have souls, so we all have stories and music and stories.
[00:26:53]  Chalalis are nice.
[00:26:55]  Larney.
[00:26:55]  Yeah.
[00:26:56]  No, we are the oral history of telling stories of people passing down information.
[00:27:01]  It's all us.
[00:27:03]  Okay.
[00:27:04]  Isn't that blacks?
[00:27:05]  No, it's not black.
[00:27:06]  What are you talking about, Blacks?
[00:27:07]  Blacks.
[00:27:08]  I'm going to tell stories in the ships.
[00:27:10]  They tell stories of what it was like before.
[00:27:12]  If they were, you guys were making money off it.
[00:27:15]  Yeah, someone's writing it down.
[00:27:17]  Yeah.
[00:27:17]  Like, say this when there's movies.
[00:27:19]  Yeah.
[00:27:19]  We want to tell this story.
[00:27:20]  But yeah, Irish did get started with the story.
[00:27:23]  I love all these dumb fuck cultures.
[00:27:27]  Stavros has the same shit.
[00:27:28]  They all brag about the past, whereas real cultures are bragging about the present.
[00:27:33]  Oh, we started storytelling.
[00:27:35]  What's fucking going on now?
[00:27:36]  I know.
[00:27:37]  The Chinese and the Arabs are the future.
[00:27:41]  That's a fact.
[00:27:42]  The Chinese are killing it.
[00:27:43]  But you know, the Chinese are going to beat the Jews.
[00:27:46]  Chinese don't have a problem with us.
[00:27:48]  We've never been at war with the Chinese.
[00:27:50]  Interesting.
[00:27:51]  We'll cahoots it till the end of time.
[00:27:53]  There's no issues there.
[00:27:54]  You love Chinese food.
[00:27:56]  Love Chinese food.
[00:27:57]  Because you knew.
[00:27:58]  We knew it was going to be available.
[00:28:00]  And Chinese do not reciprocate that.
[00:28:02]  They don't eat like Reubens.
[00:28:04]  No.
[00:28:05]  They've never had a bagel.
[00:28:07]  Never.
[00:28:07]  No, they never had borscht or a fucking Kugel.
[00:28:11]  Interesting.
[00:28:12]  Yeah, what the?
[00:28:12]  I had cats deli the other day.
[00:28:14]  It's amazing.
[00:28:15]  Oh, I thought you were talking about Chinese instead.
[00:28:17]  I had cats.
[00:28:17]  No, Jewish food.
[00:28:19]  Yeah.
[00:28:20]  Delis.
[00:28:21]  Oh, my God.
[00:28:21]  Smoked fish.
[00:28:22]  Why it's such a big sandwich?
[00:28:25]  I don't know.
[00:28:25]  My dad used to do.
[00:28:26]  He'd be like, get me some extra rye bread.
[00:28:28]  And we'd split that sandwich into like four.
[00:28:30]  Yeah.
[00:28:30]  It's so odd.
[00:28:31]  You can't even wrap your mouth around it.
[00:28:32]  How Jewish is that?
[00:28:34]  Splitting it into four.
[00:28:36]  Yeah.
[00:28:36]  And the rye bread, rest free, the extra rye bread.
[00:28:38]  Do you not?
[00:28:38]  This hour that everyone loves.
[00:28:40]  Everyone is saying this is a great hour because it's about the Jews.
[00:28:44]  Oh, I never thought of that angle.
[00:28:47]  You're smart, Ari.
[00:28:49]  I just smart.
[00:28:50]  Cut that too.
[00:28:51]  I just thought it was people giving me compliments, but how could they say anything but now?
[00:28:59]  Do you think it's because you're a Jewish comedian, you're allowed to have your special name Jew?
[00:29:04]  Like if I, if my special was called Jew or Hey Jew, it wouldn't even get off the ground.
[00:29:09]  You know, my next special CD, I'm just gonna make a CD.
[00:29:11]  I talked about Sherad.
[00:29:13]  It's gonna be called Too Many Blacks.
[00:29:16]  And the answer is what are the responses from the Jewish community to your special?
[00:29:19]  Mostly they love it.
[00:29:20]  You have an occasional, like, you know, hate speech person that's like, this is a fact.
[00:29:24]  This could mean more anti-Semitism.
[00:29:26]  Losers, dorks, and losers.
[00:29:27]  Right.
[00:29:28]  It just brings people together.
[00:29:29]  But the vast majority is great.
[00:29:31]  Thanks for sharing our fucking life experience.
[00:29:34]  All the fucking wig ladies, you know, are like sick.
[00:29:38]  Nobody talks about us.
[00:29:39]  Not in a fun way.
[00:29:42]  Have you gone into the bowels of the belly of the beast, as you say?
[00:29:47]  Have you gone to Williamsburg where they have the hat?
[00:29:49]  You ever see that furry hat?
[00:29:51]  Yeah, the strimel.
[00:29:52]  What a fucking amazing hat.
[00:29:54]  It's gorgeous.
[00:29:55]  It's a beautiful hat.
[00:29:56]  Those costs like $1,500.
[00:29:57]  I know.
[00:29:58]  Now, those become hipster staples.
[00:30:02]  Do you go into that area ever?
[00:30:05]  Here's why they are not worried about it because you can't get YouTube on your flip phone.
[00:30:09]  Wow.
[00:30:10]  Yeah.
[00:30:11]  I forgot.
[00:30:12]  They're like Amish.
[00:30:13]  Yeah.
[00:30:13]  More or less.
[00:30:14]  But they're on their phone all day.
[00:30:15]  But they're cheating on their wives sometimes.
[00:30:18]  With fat black hookers.
[00:30:19]  Really?
[00:30:20]  I love a fat black hooker.
[00:30:21]  Whoa.
[00:30:23]  Careful.
[00:30:24]  A fat black hooker is what a Jewish man wants.
[00:30:26]  Love it.
[00:30:27]  Love it.
[00:30:27]  I love it.
[00:30:28]  It's so far removed from what they're allowed.
[00:30:30]  Right.
[00:30:31]  They're just, they feel like, what am I doing?
[00:30:34]  That's fucking awesome.
[00:30:35]  Black chicks in general.
[00:30:36]  It's just like you see, I saw him drop him off some in Montreal right across from Cleopatra.
[00:30:41]  You'd see him late at night just dropping him off because it's like a strimmer.
[00:30:45]  And it's like, this doesn't go.
[00:30:46]  He reads as a rabbi and that fat black hooker does not read as Jewish.
[00:30:50]  And then she gets out of the car and you're just like, what the fuck?
[00:30:54]  It's so cool looking.
[00:30:56]  It's kind of amazing.
[00:30:57]  It's kind of amazing.
[00:30:58]  Because here's the deal.
[00:30:59]  You're born a freak.
[00:31:00]  You're born a freak.
[00:31:01]  You don't know what kind of community you were going to get.
[00:31:03]  And you got a freak in the fucking Hasidic Jewish community.
[00:31:07]  You still need it.
[00:31:08]  There's gays too.
[00:31:10]  Of course.
[00:31:10]  And what are they supposed to do?
[00:31:11]  What do they do?
[00:31:12]  Hide it.
[00:31:14]  Bathhouse.
[00:31:15]  Right.
[00:31:19]  I took my niece to a hike.
[00:31:21]  It was near somewhere in New Jersey.
[00:31:23]  And it was behind this mall.
[00:31:25]  And then it was Woods Go.
[00:31:25]  And we saw this dude, 60 years old, comb over.
[00:31:29]  He goes, oh, hey, probably don't take her that way.
[00:31:32]  It's muddy.
[00:31:36]  Go that way.
[00:31:37]  I was like, okay.
[00:31:38]  Go that way.
[00:31:39]  We see two other, like, 65, 60-year-old white dudes just sitting two dudes on a bench.
[00:31:44]  Later, two other dudes.
[00:31:46]  And it's a fucking gay, like Vietnam era.
[00:31:49]  I have my wife at home, gay hangout in the park.
[00:31:52]  Wow.
[00:31:53]  Yeah, and he's like, don't go that way because it gets wild.
[00:31:56]  If you had not heard that or had not heeded his warning, we would have seen some scarrings.
[00:32:01]  We would have seen some shit.
[00:32:02]  Yeah, and there's got to be a Jewish version of that.
[00:32:05]  A place they know where they can go to life.
[00:32:07]  Oh, absolutely.
[00:32:08]  Yeah.
[00:32:10]  Yeah.
[00:32:10]  I want to know about that shit.
[00:32:12]  I don't know.
[00:32:12]  What do you think about religion in general?
[00:32:14]  What a waste of a fucking life.
[00:32:16]  Interesting.
[00:32:16]  What a waste of a life.
[00:32:18]  You know, Rogan had this guy, Matt Walsh on, and they were talking about gay.
[00:32:20]  Sounds like a dork.
[00:32:21]  Gay marriage.
[00:32:22]  And Rogan and him were just debating it.
[00:32:24]  And it's just, you do get to that point with religion where they're like, yeah, I don't have an argument.
[00:32:28]  What do you mean?
[00:32:29]  With the gay marriage.
[00:32:30]  You're not supposed to.
[00:32:30]  Yeah, it's just wrong.
[00:32:31]  And Rogan's like, well, what should gay people do if they're gay?
[00:32:34]  And then Matt Walsh was like, I don't know.
[00:32:36]  Just I don't believe you should have sex or do anything.
[00:32:40]  So the Jewish view on gay homosexuality is that it is an urge, not unlike drunkenness and overeating.
[00:32:47]  Well, that's what Christians say too.
[00:32:49]  Every fundamentalist religion.
[00:32:51]  But most Jewish men in the suburbs are very effeminate.
[00:32:54]  Like it's really wild.
[00:32:56]  They will touch the whole massage.
[00:32:57]  No, but they also, they're like, hello, I'm Barry Allah.
[00:33:00]  This is my wife.
[00:33:02]  They're like, I'm fully gay, but I'm not.

=== Realizing Religion Is Wrong (02:34) ===

[00:33:05]  Hello.
[00:33:06]  Like, Jewish men are insanely effeminate.
[00:33:08]  I worked at a beach club in Long Island, and these guys would come in.
[00:33:11]  They're like, hello, I'm Howard.
[00:33:13]  I'm Howie.
[00:33:14]  Yeah, you're right.
[00:33:15]  The way you say it is borderline.
[00:33:16]  It's absolutely true.
[00:33:17]  It's like, oh, you're gay, but you're not.
[00:33:19]  They're not gay.
[00:33:20]  They're just Jewish.
[00:33:21]  Because they're so set in it that they just don't care.
[00:33:24]  Hello.
[00:33:25]  Hi.
[00:33:26]  Hi.
[00:33:27]  What are you doing?
[00:33:28]  Look at you.
[00:33:30]  And then the wives are like more masculine.
[00:33:33]  It's like, I'm Eileen.
[00:33:34]  They fucking take a cockroach.
[00:33:36]  Yeah.
[00:33:36]  They're like, I'm Eileen.
[00:33:38]  This is my gay husband.
[00:33:41]  I wish the fuck.
[00:33:42]  Yeah, it's just like, why are you religious?
[00:33:44]  What are you giving your life to God for?
[00:33:47]  Well, some people need it, Ari.
[00:33:49]  They need something.
[00:33:50]  I had, when I was studying this, I had a friend who became a rabbi and I asked him for information for the special on YouTube right now.
[00:33:57]  And he's like, I'm not telling you.
[00:33:58]  I was like, what do you mean?
[00:33:59]  You have to.
[00:34:00]  I'm a Jew and you're a rabbi.
[00:34:01]  And I'm asking you about the fucking law.
[00:34:03]  And he goes, no, you're going to use Dzamak.
[00:34:04]  I'm not telling you.
[00:34:05]  Wow.
[00:34:06]  Told him to get fucked.
[00:34:07]  Wow.
[00:34:09]  But this is their life.
[00:34:10]  They've devoted their entire life to this.
[00:34:12]  I wish there was a moment after death, before lack of afterlife, where they get to realize they were wrong.
[00:34:18]  How do you know that?
[00:34:19]  They'll never realize they were wrong.
[00:34:20]  Our side will only realize we're wrong if we're wrong.
[00:34:23]  What a great point.
[00:34:24]  Yeah, it's unfair.
[00:34:25]  They'll never know they were wrong.
[00:34:27]  Yeah, they're either wrong or right.
[00:34:28]  They'll realize if they're right.
[00:34:29]  They won't realize if they're wrong.
[00:34:31]  We'll realize if we were wrong and not if we were right.
[00:34:34]  Unfair.
[00:34:35]  Well, if we're wrong, how do you think it happens?
[00:34:38]  What happens?
[00:34:38]  We get up there and God's like, like Takemi Motombo.
[00:34:42]  Just like, nah.
[00:34:43]  And we see a fucking down escalator.
[00:34:45]  What are the chances of that?
[00:34:46]  I feel like he'd be cool.
[00:34:48]  What did I really do?
[00:34:49]  Do you think what did I really do?
[00:34:50]  Besides pushing kids every once in a while, fucking, you know, hitting a car and then leaving a fake note in the windshield.
[00:34:56]  What did I really do wrong?
[00:34:57]  Everyone who's governed any country acts like there's no God.
[00:35:02]  The things they do.
[00:35:03]  Yeah.
[00:35:04]  Think about it.
[00:35:04]  You have to.
[00:35:05]  Anybody who's like, if Obama was able to go to church and not be a complete liar knowing he blew up a wedding party, come on, get the fuck out of town.
[00:35:13]  You're godless.
[00:35:14]  Or you're a Satanist.
[00:35:15]  If you're a Satanist, I get it.
[00:35:17]  Do you think there's an afterlife?
[00:35:19]  No.
[00:35:19]  Do you?
[00:35:20]  I don't know.
[00:35:21]  Maybe.
[00:35:21]  Yeah, maybe.
[00:35:22]  I don't really care.
[00:35:23]  I'm beyond atheism or agnosticism.
[00:35:25]  I don't care.
[00:35:26]  I mean, how do you not care?
[00:35:27]  Because it's like, whatever it is, it is.
[00:35:29]  I got no control over it.
[00:35:30]  Same as this fucking nuclear holocaust.
[00:35:31]  I got no control over it.
[00:35:32]  I don't want to worry about it.
[00:35:33]  You don't want to.
[00:35:36]  Would you like there to be an afterlife?
[00:35:37]  Yeah, that'd be nice.
[00:35:38]  It'd be nice.
[00:35:38]  Yeah.

=== Rothschild Family Secrets Revealed (14:01) ===

[00:35:39]  You keep living forever.
[00:35:40]  What I'd really like is like Elven, where you just live for like a thousand years.
[00:35:43]  Like an elf?
[00:35:44]  Yeah.
[00:35:44]  You just keep living and living.
[00:35:46]  All your friends get old.
[00:35:47]  You just kind of, you age like a year every hundred.
[00:35:51]  That would be amazing.
[00:35:52]  Wouldn't you get, wouldn't life get boring?
[00:35:54]  I don't think so.
[00:35:55]  Imagine if yourself, you're living a life like an aunt where your whole life is over like six months.
[00:35:59]  And you'd be like, well, now imagine it's over 40, 50, 60 years.
[00:36:01]  Like, that would get boring.
[00:36:03]  You get used to it.
[00:36:04]  You'd have a new scale.
[00:36:05]  Wow.
[00:36:06]  You'd watch your friends get old die.
[00:36:08]  New technology will come in.
[00:36:09]  You'd have new friends.
[00:36:11]  It'd be pretty fucking sick.
[00:36:12]  But then at the end, it would be so wild.
[00:36:15]  What do you mean at the end?
[00:36:16]  Meaning at the end of this life that you've lived.
[00:36:19]  Yeah.
[00:36:19]  After you've seen all this stuff.
[00:36:21]  Yeah.
[00:36:22]  Wouldn't it get sad and lonely?
[00:36:25]  Because there's nobody left to talk about the things that you experienced.
[00:36:28]  No, they don't want to hear you.
[00:36:30]  You'd be like one of those celebrities holding court.
[00:36:33]  No, everyone would just be listening to you.
[00:36:34]  Yeah, it would get lonely.
[00:36:35]  You ever talk to like a rich, famous comedian?
[00:36:37]  And you're just like, you're just talking at us.
[00:36:40]  Yeah.
[00:36:41]  Yeah.
[00:36:41]  Or a rock star or anything like that.
[00:36:43]  And it's like, I get it.
[00:36:44]  You're our betters.
[00:36:44]  But like, man, aren't you lonely?
[00:36:46]  Don't you want some back and forth?
[00:36:47]  Well, that's the whole thing.
[00:36:48]  It's lonely at the top, right?
[00:36:49]  Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[00:36:50]  That's what they say.
[00:36:51]  Yeah, not at the top of rehab.
[00:36:53]  No.
[00:36:56]  I want to go to rehab.
[00:36:57]  I would love if there was.
[00:36:58]  Do you think it's rehabs for Jews?
[00:37:00]  Oh, shit.
[00:37:01]  It's a whiny piece of shit.
[00:37:03]  No, there's rehabs for Jewish people that have problems.
[00:37:07]  No, no, no.
[00:37:07]  I don't mean like Jewish-based rehab.
[00:37:09]  I mean, rehab to not be so Jewish.
[00:37:11]  There should be.
[00:37:12]  There should be, yeah.
[00:37:13]  Would they bring in like, hi, it's Christine Evans.
[00:37:17]  How are you?
[00:37:18]  Card owner of this place.
[00:37:21]  Yeah, there should be.
[00:37:22]  See, she interrupts the show.
[00:37:24]  Yes.
[00:37:25]  Interrupts the whole show.
[00:37:26]  We had a flow going.
[00:37:28]  She's not Jewish, right?
[00:37:29]  No.
[00:37:30]  That's opposite.
[00:37:31]  Armo.
[00:37:32]  That is correct.
[00:37:32]  So what is the opposite of Jewish?
[00:37:34]  Because I don't feel like I'm the opposite.
[00:37:35]  I don't want to be the opposite.
[00:37:37]  It's like, is the opposite of hungry thirsty or is the opposite of hungry not hungry?
[00:37:42]  I don't.
[00:37:44]  Yeah, oh, interesting.
[00:37:45]  Yeah.
[00:37:46]  So I think the opposite of Jewish is like a worm or something.
[00:37:49]  You're saying she's the opposite because she's retarded.
[00:37:52]  Right.
[00:37:52]  Okay.
[00:37:52]  That's right.
[00:37:54]  We're on the same page.
[00:37:55]  Yeah.
[00:37:55]  Anyway.
[00:37:56]  Yeah.
[00:37:56]  The Armenian part is just like.
[00:37:57]  Yeah.
[00:37:58]  I get it.
[00:37:59]  What do you want people to take away from this specialty?
[00:38:01]  Laughs, buddy.
[00:38:02]  Just laugh.
[00:38:03]  What about to convert?
[00:38:04]  No, we don't want you.
[00:38:05]  Why?
[00:38:07]  We're like New York.
[00:38:08]  We're good.
[00:38:08]  Don't move here.
[00:38:09]  Oh, crime wave, crime wave, crime wave.
[00:38:10]  Matrice always said that Jews don't want you to be Jewish.
[00:38:13]  No, we don't.
[00:38:14]  And why would you?
[00:38:15]  Because it's like, we got our special thing.
[00:38:16]  It's the only thing that makes us special is our small numbers.
[00:38:18]  But this is what sounds a little conspiratorial.
[00:38:22]  Because we have ends that you don't have?
[00:38:23]  Well, no, it's just going, we have, and we don't need you.
[00:38:26]  Christians, we're like knocking on your door, like, be one of us.
[00:38:30]  When I used to wear my yarmulka at my summer job, some lady got black check, got into a 50 years old, got into the elevator with me, like, what floor?
[00:38:39]  She goes, do you accept the Lord Jesus Christ, your personal savior?
[00:38:42]  And I was like, I don't.
[00:38:43]  I don't.
[00:38:44]  You know, I don't.
[00:38:44]  That's why I'm wearing the Yarmulka.
[00:38:45]  And I was like, what floor, though?
[00:38:46]  She goes, Lord Jesus Christ loves all.
[00:38:48]  And I was like, okay, that's good enough.
[00:38:50]  What floor?
[00:38:50]  She goes, I'm not even, I just saw you guys.
[00:38:52]  I'm not even like in this building.
[00:38:54]  Yeah.
[00:38:55]  That's gall.
[00:38:56]  What about Jews for Jesus?
[00:38:59]  Come on.
[00:39:00]  A little conflicted.
[00:39:01]  It's weird, right?
[00:39:02]  It's weird.
[00:39:02]  It's weird.
[00:39:03]  The greatest Jew of all time.
[00:39:06]  Oh, that's a good question.
[00:39:07]  Jesus is up there.
[00:39:09]  He succeeded where no one else did.
[00:39:11]  Larry David's probably too.
[00:39:14]  The Rothschilds.
[00:39:16]  Let's talk.
[00:39:18]  Who are they?
[00:39:18]  You know them more than I do.
[00:39:19]  Oh, I do know them.
[00:39:20]  You know them more than I do.
[00:39:21]  Meyer Rothschild.
[00:39:22]  Who was he?
[00:39:23]  Nathaniel.
[00:39:24]  They were an insanely wealthy family.
[00:39:27]  Where'd they get their money?
[00:39:29]  Well, they were in banking.
[00:39:31]  Okay.
[00:39:32]  When Jews were forced into banking.
[00:39:33]  You know what?
[00:39:33]  So right.
[00:39:34]  We're in bank.
[00:39:34]  All they were in the banks.
[00:39:35]  We couldn't do anything else other than loan money.
[00:39:37]  I know.
[00:39:37]  So it's like, what do you want us to do?
[00:39:38]  Not do that well?
[00:39:39]  And they started, you know, they started to get popular.
[00:39:44]  Jews?
[00:39:44]  Banks.
[00:39:45]  No, Rothschilds.
[00:39:46]  Oh, yeah.
[00:39:47]  When they were, You know, there was like five of them, and they each, either the father was like, they were like, you'll go here, you'll go here, you'll go here.
[00:40:00]  What, different parts of the world?
[00:40:02]  Yes, different parts of Europe.
[00:40:04]  And they, you know, they kind of famously, I think, bankrolled both sides, unless I'm completely wrong, but I don't think I am.
[00:40:12]  They bankrolled both sides of a war, and it was France and England, maybe?
[00:40:18]  That's what they do.
[00:40:19]  That's what politics does not with business.
[00:40:20]  They're just like, buy them both out.
[00:40:22]  It's just a smart thing to do.
[00:40:25]  But supposedly, they're trillionaires, but they're not.
[00:40:27]  Bankroll both sides.
[00:40:28]  So whoever wins owes you tons more.
[00:40:30]  Yeah.
[00:40:32]  Now, supposedly they have a vast amount of wealth, but I don't know.
[00:40:37]  I'm cobbling this together for this switchboard.
[00:40:41]  They don't want everything out there.
[00:40:43]  Yeah, they do not like stuff that's out there.
[00:40:45]  That's a capital T. They're not like the card.
[00:40:48]  There's no show on the e-network called The Rothschild.
[00:40:52]  They're not doing like a boss show.
[00:40:55]  No, they're not on a million-dollar listing.
[00:40:57]  They're on Squid Games.
[00:40:59]  They are on Squid.
[00:41:00]  They want to keep it low and keep it quiet.
[00:41:03]  What's the benefit of being known?
[00:41:04]  None.
[00:41:05]  Fame has many negatives.
[00:41:06]  Money has very few.
[00:41:08]  Yeah.
[00:41:09]  So they're smart.
[00:41:11]  I know somebody who knows one of them.
[00:41:12]  Well, who's a Rothschild now?
[00:41:14]  Like Bethany Rothschild?
[00:41:15]  No, there's a kid I know is a rich kid in New York City went to school with a Rothschild.
[00:41:20]  There's Nathaniel, there's Durothschild, too.
[00:41:23]  What's that?
[00:41:25]  That's the French version.
[00:41:26]  So they're doing so much money and now they just run shit.
[00:41:30]  They choose laws and stuff.
[00:41:32]  There's all these conspiracies that they like kind of own all of the companies quietly.
[00:41:37]  Yeah.
[00:41:37]  But that's not true.
[00:41:38]  They probably have a piece of him.
[00:41:40]  Or it'd be like a Harvey Weinstein thing.
[00:41:41]  It's like we don't do every movie, but when he was at his peak, but it's like, don't fuck us or you'll be out of business.
[00:41:47]  This should be good for the YouTube algorithm, a lot of Rothschild talk.
[00:41:52]  Watch Ari Shafir's Jew on YouTube right now.
[00:41:54]  Ari Shafir's Jew on YouTube right now.
[00:41:56]  Do you talk about the Rothschilds at all?
[00:41:57]  No, not in that.
[00:42:00]  I don't know anything about them.
[00:42:02]  I'm finding out right now.
[00:42:03]  I'll go back and re-edit it.
[00:42:04]  They're a big fucking deal.
[00:42:06]  The thing is with them, so it's not like they're helping other Jews.
[00:42:10]  I don't know.
[00:42:11]  They're like at the Illuminati table.
[00:42:13]  Can you get up, guest digital producer?
[00:42:16]  Get up.
[00:42:17]  Lord Jacob de Rothschild confronted outside of the Metropolitan Club.
[00:42:22]  I want you to watch this guy.
[00:42:23]  He's kind of a lizard guy.
[00:42:24]  Okay.
[00:42:25]  And he's confronted outside of this exclusive.
[00:42:27]  How did they let him know who he was?
[00:42:28]  Mistake.
[00:42:29]  Yeah.
[00:42:29]  Exclusive elite club called the Metropolitan Club started by J.P. Morgan.
[00:42:34]  Not Jewish.
[00:42:35]  Right.
[00:42:36]  Okay.
[00:42:38]  And he's coming out of an event and they kind of confront him.
[00:42:42]  Wait, so he was with J.P. Morgan?
[00:42:45]  No, J.P. Morgan's long dead.
[00:42:46]  This was like recently.
[00:42:47]  JP Morgan, the bank that just dropped Kanye, Rothschild is a member of this JP Morgan's club.
[00:42:55]  Well, they all.
[00:42:57]  It's all tied in, though.
[00:42:57]  It's all tied in.
[00:42:58]  Well, no, now you're being facetious.
[00:43:01]  If you found anything, he's got to turn on the monitor.
[00:43:06]  I made him turn it off.
[00:43:07]  Right.
[00:43:07]  Oh, yeah.
[00:43:07]  Why did you do that?
[00:43:08]  It's distracting.
[00:43:09]  I agree with you.
[00:43:10]  I hate it.
[00:43:11]  But if we don't see something.
[00:43:12]  We got to watch this Rothschild get his comeuppance.
[00:43:15]  Wait, what?
[00:43:15]  Somebody threw something in his face?
[00:43:17]  Well, here's what happened.
[00:43:18]  No, someone went up to him and goes, what are you doing with, you know?
[00:43:22]  With J.P. Morgan?
[00:43:23]  No, stop with J.P. Morgan.
[00:43:25]  You're getting so confused.
[00:43:26]  You're doing this.
[00:43:28]  Oh, my God.
[00:43:29]  See?
[00:43:35]  Where's Bodyguards?
[00:43:36]  Well.
[00:43:43]  You know, the New World Order has no legitimacy.
[00:43:46]  And that we as a people are not afraid.
[00:43:48]  And we are waking up to the robber baron who's a lot of people.
[00:43:50]  You should be afraid of the officers who are looting the economy with the Federal Reserve.
[00:43:58]  Where are his bodyguards?
[00:44:00]  I kind of like him.
[00:44:02]  He's standing there taking.
[00:44:04]  Are you nuts?
[00:44:12]  There's a fucking garbage truck there.
[00:44:14]  That was started by your family.
[00:44:17]  I'm true.
[00:44:18]  I was offset earlier.
[00:44:22]  There it is.
[00:44:23]  His accent is from a country that doesn't exist.
[00:44:25]  It's a country somewhere between Normandy.
[00:44:29]  I'm a Norman.
[00:44:30]  Dude.
[00:44:30]  Yeah, yes, yes.
[00:44:31]  But do you see what he's doing?
[00:44:32]  What are these bodyguards?
[00:44:33]  How cool is he?
[00:44:34]  He's a real life lizard villain.
[00:44:37]  Maybe not.
[00:44:38]  When I met the owners of the UFC, who are fucking penny stocks compared to this guy?
[00:44:42]  Right.
[00:44:42]  I got a bit scared because I was like, you could have me disappeared.
[00:44:47]  Yeah.
[00:44:47]  Not that you wanted to, but the fact that I'm dealing with someone who easily could and not face any repercussions.
[00:44:53]  Well, Rogan is a good person.
[00:44:54]  This guy is on another level.
[00:44:55]  Rogan could have us killed.
[00:44:57]  Sort of.
[00:44:58]  With his money, he can't.
[00:45:00]  He couldn't have us killed.
[00:45:02]  He doesn't have the influence these guys have.
[00:45:03]  But he could.
[00:45:05]  He could call someone.
[00:45:06]  He could call someone.
[00:45:06]  He would know who to call that could do it.
[00:45:08]  Yeah.
[00:45:08]  But now we can do it.
[00:45:09]  Any one of our friends would kill us for money.
[00:45:11]  This guy could, whoever that's talking to that guy, he's like, we're not scared of you.
[00:45:14]  I want to be like, you should be scared.
[00:45:16]  He could vaporize.
[00:45:17]  He's looking at him going, hmm.
[00:45:20]  Do I want to?
[00:45:22]  Do I want to eat your soul?
[00:45:23]  Oh, no, no.
[00:45:24]  How do you think I'd live to 200?
[00:45:26]  It's just not true, is it?
[00:45:29]  Five stem cells.
[00:45:30]  But that's kind of what their deal is.
[00:45:32]  They run shit.
[00:45:34]  You know who's married to one of them?
[00:45:36]  Whitney Cummings.
[00:45:37]  Nikki Hilton.
[00:45:39]  Really?
[00:45:39]  Yes.
[00:45:40]  Get up, Nikki Hilton's husband.
[00:45:42]  How is wealthy, marrying wealthy?
[00:45:44]  Yeah, of course.
[00:45:45]  Who are they going to marry?
[00:45:45]  Pass it around.
[00:45:46]  Marry a fucking slobber baron.
[00:45:50]  Marry a slobber baron.
[00:45:53]  She's married to one of the Rothschilds.
[00:45:55]  He can't be.
[00:45:56]  Maybe he's good looking.
[00:45:57]  Maybe he's good looking.
[00:45:58]  I think he's hot.
[00:45:59]  I think.
[00:46:00]  I'm not sure.
[00:46:01]  Yeah, because their offering will be good looking.
[00:46:03]  Let's get a nice photo of them.
[00:46:05]  And he's Jewish.
[00:46:06]  He looks like Harry Styles.
[00:46:08]  He's a piece.
[00:46:11]  I'll trust him on this one.
[00:46:14]  A little inbred.
[00:46:15]  He's a little inbred.
[00:46:17]  Yeah.
[00:46:17]  He's got the vampire ears and vampire nose.
[00:46:21]  He's in.
[00:46:22]  That's who the Jewish bankers were in Harry Potter.
[00:46:26]  The Gringots.
[00:46:27]  Yeah, pull them up.
[00:46:28]  It's similar.
[00:46:28]  Pull up the Gringott bankers.
[00:46:30]  Go face to face, facing each other.
[00:46:32]  And were you offended at that?
[00:46:35]  I mean, no, but I could tell what it was.
[00:46:37]  It's pretty fucking obvious.
[00:46:38]  And they're like, don't go ears.
[00:46:41]  Just make it ears.
[00:46:42]  That's what he did in Star Trek.
[00:46:43]  Make it ears.
[00:46:45]  Yeah.
[00:46:46]  No, no, no, no.
[00:46:47]  Isn't the way forward?
[00:46:49]  Why did he have to kill them all?
[00:46:50]  He just got to give them a loan.
[00:46:51]  I'll have to die.
[00:46:52]  They didn't do anything wrong.
[00:46:54]  They just had a bank.
[00:46:55]  He killed them all.
[00:46:56]  Harry killed them all.
[00:46:57]  He blew up the whole fucking thing.
[00:46:58]  Oh, Harry Potter?
[00:46:59]  Yeah, they didn't do anything.
[00:47:00]  They had to go.
[00:47:01]  Now listen.
[00:47:02]  Don't you think.
[00:47:04]  Such a good sider.
[00:47:06]  Now listen.
[00:47:07]  Don't you think we get over all this stuff by forgetting about the Holocaust?
[00:47:10]  We stop talking about it.
[00:47:12]  It's enough already.
[00:47:12]  Stop with the museums.
[00:47:13]  It's very depressing.
[00:47:15]  Don't you think we just move on forward?
[00:47:18]  That's a tough one.
[00:47:19]  I tell you what.
[00:47:20]  If my special gets to 20 million views.
[00:47:24]  Right.
[00:47:25]  Then sure.
[00:47:26]  Don't you think it's depressing?
[00:47:29]  It's never ending.
[00:47:30]  I wish they would focus on the positive Judaism, not the fucking negative.
[00:47:33]  Well, this is what I mean.
[00:47:34]  I mean, do we have to constantly with the museums?
[00:47:38]  I mean.
[00:47:39]  I mean, come on.
[00:47:40]  I mean.
[00:47:41]  Jesus, that's a Rothschild.
[00:47:43]  I mean.
[00:47:43]  Wow.
[00:47:46]  By the way.
[00:47:46]  Oh, my God.
[00:47:47]  Does this episode stay up for an hour even?
[00:47:51]  Who owns YouTube?
[00:47:52]  Yeah.
[00:47:53]  I don't know.
[00:47:54]  John Yu from China and Jimmy Tube.
[00:47:57]  I don't even know, but we're just having more comedians having fun.
[00:48:00]  We don't mean anything.
[00:48:01]  Rosshouse, all respect.
[00:48:03]  It's hard.
[00:48:04]  It's hard to talk about these things because they say you can't make fun of Jews, but you can.
[00:48:12]  We're doing it.
[00:48:13]  Yeah, we're doing it.
[00:48:14]  I mean, you have one here to do it.
[00:48:16]  You didn't do this last week with Bobby Kelly.
[00:48:17]  I did not.
[00:48:19]  I did not.
[00:48:19]  Yeah, offstage, though.
[00:48:20]  As soon as it came out.
[00:48:21]  We argued about if lakes or oceans were better.
[00:48:25]  What?
[00:48:26]  Fucking dimwit.
[00:48:27]  What a halfway.
[00:48:28]  I don't know.
[00:48:28]  We've all been talking for, you know, a million years.
[00:48:31]  What a podcast is going to die already.
[00:48:33]  They will die, I think, as soon as the celebrities invade them and they're going to invade them.
[00:48:38]  We thought it would be any moment.
[00:48:39]  The one guy tried, but then he killed somebody up close.
[00:48:41]  So that didn't work.
[00:48:42]  It'll get to what some will stick around.
[00:48:45]  But then I think a lot of, it's just, there's no next thing yet.
[00:48:49]  Right.
[00:48:50]  And people always need, there'll always be podcasters.
[00:48:52]  Somebody's always going to be commuting or on a treadmill or watching something they like.
[00:48:56]  But what podcasts never became is movies.
[00:49:00]  Nope.
[00:49:00]  Or TV shows.
[00:49:02]  They tried for a while to try making TV shows.
[00:49:04]  Yeah.
[00:49:04]  It's just my podcast, but a TV show.
[00:49:06]  People like, Stern did it.
[00:49:07]  It was just bonus features.
[00:49:09]  So what it will be is when I think people, when there's a next cool thing, because young kids are on Twitch.
[00:49:14]  Right.
[00:49:15]  We're not on Twitch.
[00:49:16]  They're live streaming.
[00:49:17]  Fuck.
[00:49:18]  We're fucked.
[00:49:18]  The young kids.
[00:49:19]  We're not fucked.
[00:49:20]  It's just that's their thing.
[00:49:23]  They live stream and that's what they do.
[00:49:27]  Can they get boners anymore?
[00:49:29]  No, because they're all on SSRIs.
[00:49:31]  Yeah.
[00:49:32]  I would sell my podcast to the Rothschilds.
[00:49:35]  Yeah.
[00:49:36]  And would you keep it going and be like, just deliver our message?

=== Why Podcasts Never Became Movies (04:32) ===

[00:49:40]  Yes.
[00:49:40]  Absolutely.
[00:49:41]  Let's practice.
[00:49:42]  Yeah.
[00:49:43]  Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dylan show, brought to you by the Rothschilds.
[00:49:47]  Oh, it's that on the level.
[00:49:48]  I'd say that on the level.
[00:49:49]  Oh, it's signage.
[00:49:50]  Oh, okay.
[00:49:50]  Yeah.
[00:49:51]  Ladies and gentlemen, welcome.
[00:49:53]  I haven't fucking, no, I was in Salt Lake and it dried up my face.
[00:49:56]  Everybody's going to think I'm like doing signals, but my face is like fucking, my skin's falling off.
[00:50:00]  But ladies and gentlemen, blah, blah, blah.
[00:50:02]  Brought to you by the Rothschilds.
[00:50:04]  And then we would be like, I'd just be like, pay your fucking bills, peasants.
[00:50:08]  Pay your bills.
[00:50:08]  It's important these landlords get by.
[00:50:10]  It's trickle-down effect.
[00:50:12]  Pay the bills.
[00:50:15]  The landlord is good.
[00:50:17]  Yeah, he keeps the neighborhoods from crumbling.
[00:50:20]  The landlord knows whether you should live in the apartment or not.
[00:50:23]  Don't question him.
[00:50:25]  If the gas is off, it's for a reason.
[00:50:28]  Maybe you shouldn't have an infant in the unit.
[00:50:29]  Stop whining about the prices of everything.
[00:50:32]  Just go out and buy it.
[00:50:33]  Just buy.
[00:50:34]  Just consume.
[00:50:37]  Thank you.
[00:50:38]  This podcast has been brought to you by the Rothschilds.
[00:50:40]  Thank you, Rothschilds, for bringing us everything good in the world.
[00:50:44]  Progress.
[00:50:46]  Yeah, man.
[00:50:47]  I don't know.
[00:50:47]  It's like the way I look at the world, I just say, you know.
[00:50:51]  Can't you just not give a fuck?
[00:50:53]  Isn't that a possible?
[00:50:54]  All these people, Black Lives Matter, the Jews thing, Ukraine, a fucking Afghanistan.
[00:50:59]  Is that a new tattoo?
[00:51:00]  Yeah, I got it in Ecuador.
[00:51:01]  What is it?
[00:51:02]  It's a flower that's in the jungle a lot.
[00:51:06]  What kind of flower?
[00:51:07]  Ela cunha.
[00:51:08]  Ela cunha.
[00:51:09]  Yeah.
[00:51:10]  Interesting.
[00:51:11]  Yeah, it's like, it looks like lobster claws.
[00:51:12]  I loved it.
[00:51:13]  Every time I saw it, I loved it.
[00:51:14]  I was walking around there with a machete once trying to get them and I walked too far away from the jungle and too into like civilization.
[00:51:19]  What I like about you is when you get canceled, you flee the country.
[00:51:24]  I wanted to flee anyway.
[00:51:25]  And Delta was going up again.
[00:51:26]  I was like, sweet, get it higher.
[00:51:27]  I'm going to Peru.
[00:51:28]  When you get canceled, you are like in a third world country, literally hacking through the jungle.
[00:51:34]  You're going to be having a good time.
[00:51:36]  Remember when January 6th happened?
[00:51:38]  I'll praise the heroes.
[00:51:40]  They were like, it's the end of democracy.
[00:51:42]  And I was like, fuck yes.
[00:51:44]  And people were like, that's not our take on it.
[00:51:46]  And I'm like, now, what do you like so much about slumming around the third world like a savage?
[00:51:51]  You get to zooify people.
[00:51:52]  You get to look at them as lesser than you and be around them.
[00:51:54]  Because you go to like a safari of sorts.
[00:51:56]  You go to like a yurt.
[00:51:57]  Yeah, yeah.
[00:51:58]  You'll stay in a goddamn yurt with like weird freaks.
[00:52:01]  I take a $50 bill with him.
[00:52:02]  I let them all see it.
[00:52:03]  I'm like, this would change your fucking year.
[00:52:06]  You really, you'll go to like Malaysia.
[00:52:08]  I have not been to Malaysia, but I've been all around Malaysia.
[00:52:10]  Indonesia, East Timor.
[00:52:12]  It's the same.
[00:52:12]  Come on.
[00:52:13]  Cambodia.
[00:52:14]  You go there, and what do you tell them?
[00:52:16]  Do you tell them you got canceled?
[00:52:18]  I've never got there.
[00:52:19]  They wouldn't understand what that is.
[00:52:21]  People are mad at me.
[00:52:22]  They're like, why did you not basket weave today?
[00:52:24]  Yeah.
[00:52:24]  I'm like, nah.
[00:52:25]  They know who Kobe Bryant is.
[00:52:27]  He's famous everywhere.
[00:52:28]  Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[00:52:29]  I think you'd be able to explain it.
[00:52:31]  I'm like, this guy, he didn't pass much.
[00:52:33]  He was a really big, he was sixth best Laker of all time.
[00:52:36]  When you come back to America, what do those experiences make you feel about our country?
[00:52:44]  Do you feel anything?
[00:52:45]  Legit, the toilet paper, it blows my mind when I get back here.
[00:52:49]  I take that for granted until I get back here from the fucking horrors of foreign toilets.
[00:52:54]  So when you get back to America, are you like, where the shit or no?
[00:52:58]  It's just overcrowded.
[00:53:00]  There are definitely some nice things.
[00:53:01]  The toilet paper is not a joke.
[00:53:02]  It's a joke, but it's not a joke.
[00:53:04]  You wipe and you're like, oh, yeah, I forgot about this.
[00:53:07]  We have great, like, everything everywhere, but also it's like, it's a bit much and impersonal.
[00:53:12]  Do you tell John?
[00:53:13]  John says hello.
[00:53:14]  Because we have the same agent.
[00:53:15]  Yeah, he hates that I leave.
[00:53:17]  Do you ever tell him when you're leaving?
[00:53:19]  I told him last time when I left for like three, three, four months.
[00:53:22]  What did he say?
[00:53:23]  He's like, no, no, no.
[00:53:24]  Come on.
[00:53:25]  Come on.
[00:53:25]  Hello, but can I get your gig out there?
[00:53:26]  Are there gigs in East Timor?
[00:53:28]  He's a good agent.
[00:53:29]  Yeah, he is.
[00:53:30]  Right?
[00:53:30]  He keeps, he keeps Junia.
[00:53:32]  And his wife is gorgeous.
[00:53:34]  Oh, she's the best.
[00:53:34]  Have you seen his wife?
[00:53:35]  Yeah, she's right.
[00:53:36]  She's like gorgeous and great.
[00:53:37]  Yeah, she stays in shape by not having anybody seconds.
[00:53:40]  And she says, like, y'all.
[00:53:42]  And when a woman says, y'all, it's good because you know you're waking up to eggs and she's not screaming about Sylvia Plaque.
[00:53:47]  Even you can get a boner for that.
[00:53:48]  For sure.
[00:53:50]  Yeah, he tries to talk me out of it, but it's like, you got to live your life.
[00:53:53]  Duncan said this to me once I was fighting with Comedy Central.
[00:53:55]  I was like, I want to go see the world.
[00:53:57]  But they're fucking yapping at me.
[00:53:58]  They're like, we're going to be mad at you if you go away.
[00:54:00]  And he goes, Ari, you want to see the world and some business that's owned by fucking Viacom wants you to not see the world.
[00:54:07]  So what's the argument even?
[00:54:09]  Well, the argument is that you have her.

=== Mossad Skills And Handmade Matzah (02:33) ===

[00:54:12]  I mean, if the Rothschilds thought like that.
[00:54:15]  I'm not looking to be that.
[00:54:17]  If the Rothschilds thought like you, where the hell would we be?
[00:54:22]  Where would everybody be?
[00:54:23]  Where would anyone be?
[00:54:24]  What about the benefits they've given us?
[00:54:25]  A ton of society they've given us.
[00:54:27]  What do you think about Jeffrey Epstein and the Mossad?
[00:54:30]  Just as we wind it down, can you give a quick look at the link between the two?
[00:54:34]  The Mossad and Jeffrey Epstein and the honey pot and the blackmail and IPAC and Israel and the and the mega group and the Bromfin family.
[00:54:45]  I know the honeypot.
[00:54:46]  You know more terms than I do about the wealthy.
[00:54:49]  We converge on Jews and wealth.
[00:54:51]  You love old wealth and we are that.
[00:54:53]  Yes.
[00:54:54]  But I don't know it day to day like you do.
[00:54:55]  Honeypot means you get stuck in it.
[00:54:57]  You come and you fuck somebody you shouldn't.
[00:54:59]  We photograph you and video you and then we blackmail you.
[00:55:03]  You're right.
[00:55:03]  Smart.
[00:55:05]  You think it was a Mossad operation?
[00:55:07]  Killing Harvey Weinstein.
[00:55:09]  Are you in the Mossad?
[00:55:11]  You know, I got a call after from the Israeli intelligence agency after there's a writer named Ariel Shafir and he writes for Seth Rogan.
[00:55:25]  So every time there's like he does something, I get some calls like congratulations.
[00:55:29]  And after they did that thing with Korea, my parents got called at home from the Mossad and said, we need to talk to your son.
[00:55:37]  And they were like, it's not him.
[00:55:38]  And they're like, ma'am, we need to talk to your son.
[00:55:41]  Wow.
[00:55:41]  That's how unintelligent they are.
[00:55:44]  I can't believe that.
[00:55:46]  I cannot believe the Mossad is unintelligible.
[00:55:48]  I think it was the Israeli intelligence agency and not the Mossad.
[00:55:51]  Well, then the Mossad is more of the armed wing of it.
[00:55:52]  Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[00:55:53]  So then maybe it's the, it's the, it's the.
[00:55:55]  They always got the Holocaust guys, though.
[00:55:57]  They always got the Nazis, the ones that live in Argentina, living the good life.
[00:56:00]  They just get a bag over their head one day.
[00:56:01]  Like, what the fuck?
[00:56:02]  The Mossad is so good at what they say.
[00:56:04]  Oh, God.
[00:56:05]  They're the best.
[00:56:06]  They're the best.
[00:56:08]  They kill it.
[00:56:09]  They kill it, literally.
[00:56:10]  Yes.
[00:56:10]  Double thumbs up.
[00:56:11]  Any parting words about Jews or the Holocaust or the Rothschilds?
[00:56:15]  Guys, don't focus on the negatives in the past.
[00:56:17]  Focus on the good things.
[00:56:18]  Matzah sucks.
[00:56:19]  I can't focus on this.
[00:56:20]  Matzah sucks.
[00:56:21]  You go fuck yourself.
[00:56:22]  You're born store-bought matzah.
[00:56:23]  You need the fucking handmade.
[00:56:24]  A handmade at 30 bucks a box?
[00:56:26]  I do actually need that.
[00:56:27]  Yeah, I'll get you that in peso.
[00:56:29]  What about Lavash?
[00:56:30]  It's like matzah.
[00:56:33]  I support gustellis.
[00:56:35]  I love them.
[00:56:36]  Yeah.
[00:56:36]  I love smoked fish.
[00:56:37]  I love the.
[00:56:38]  White fish salad.
[00:56:39]  Yeah.
[00:56:40]  I love it all.
[00:56:42]  Pastrami with uh with with chopped liver, a a doublet.