The Tim Dillon Show - 322 - Bobby Kelly

Nov. 6, 2022 - The Tim Dillon Show

01:28:02

322 - Bobby Kelly

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Bobby Kelly | The Tim Dillon Show #322 - Tim Dillon is joined in-studio by Bobby Kelly to discuss comedy, real estate, food addiction, LA hookers, & much more - Buy Bobby's new special "Kill Box" at louisck.com !!! Merch: https://store.timdilloncomedy.com/ For every $400,000 we gross in revenue, we are donating five dollars to end homelessness in Los Angeles. We are challenging other creators to do the same. #TimGivesBack Bonus episodes: https://www.patreon.com/thetimdillonshow Netflix special: https://www.netflix.com/watch/81616382 SPONSORS: KAMIKOTO: ▶▶ https://www.kamikoto/timdillon, code: timdillon for $50 off HELIX: ▶▶ https://www.helixsleep.com/timd for up to $200 off mattresses + 2 free pillows KEEPS: ▶▶ https://www.keeps.com/timdillon to get your 1st month free! ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ 𝐆𝐄𝐓 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐄𝐃: 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/timjdillon/ 🐦 Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/TimJDillon 🌍 Tim Dillon Live Dates!: http://timdilloncomedy.com/#shows 📹 Subscribe to the channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC4woSp8ITBoYDmjkukhEhxg Listen on Spotify! https://open.spotify.com/show/2gRd1woKiAazAKPWPkHjds #TheTimDillonShow Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
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The Highway of Death 00:11:32
	I wish you came to the thing.
	I want you to come to the house.
	I know it's far from you, but come bring your family.
	I have like five bedrooms.
	Come and just stay.
	You have on the Long Island.
	Yeah.
	Here's a problem.
	I just got a great hot tub.
	It's nice.
	Here's a problem with that.
	And that's far.
	Dude, it's not far.
	It's the fucking that highway.
	Yeah, I know.
	It's the highway of death.
	It's the highway of death.
	It's the saddest shit ever.
	I mean, you know, Louis has his house on Shelter Island.
	We're recording.
	Okay.
	Yeah.
	Louis has his house on Shelter Island.
	I remember when he first got it, he called me up when I just had Max, and he's like, We're having a big party.
	Please come.
	You can stay here and you can have the yacht.
	You could stay on the yacht.
	He had that beautiful teak yacht.
	And I was like, I know.
	Like, it was Saturday.
	It's like summer.
	I am not, I can't be in the car with a baby for six hours.
	It's a tough ride.
	You need to buy a helicopter.
	Yeah, it's a tough ride.
	You need to get your own helicopter.
	But that's the way they like it because they have that one road in and out.
	Ugh.
	Yeah.
	I know.
	Well, I just extended the invite.
	No, dude, I wanted to go so bad.
	I really come out in like January.
	It's it'll be fun.
	It's like snowing.
	I would come out when nobody is coming there, but I'd come out on a Thursday.
	Come out on a Thursday.
	I will not.
	I can't.
	Friday.
	Yeah.
	I think your party was on a Saturday, right?
	It was Labor Day, Monday.
	Yeah, it was Monday, Labor Day weekend.
	And I told my wife, I go, listen, Tim.
	And we both looked at each other like, dude, there's no way.
	I know.
	I thought, yeah.
	Didn't Aaron get a helicopter?
	Aaron and Christine got a helicopter.
	What the?
	How?
	It's, I think it's cheap to rent them.
	You can rent a helicopter?
	Yeah, you could take like an Uber, but in a helicopter.
	I love Aaron, but that's all.
	That seems like it'd be a lot of money.
	Well, it's also, it didn't land at the house.
	So he's got to tell everyone that he did it.
	Like, he's walking around a party going, I took a hey, I took a helicopter.
	Like, because otherwise, it's you just walked in like everyone else.
	Yeah.
	I love him too.
	I love him, but it's when he was on a helicopter, it didn't make me want to go through his taxes.
	Yeah.
	I was like, how?
	Look, I know you're.
	I think it's not that much.
	How much?
	It's, I think you could take a helicopter from New York City to the Hamptons.
	You could rent it.
	Five bills?
	$1,500?
	Dude, $1,500 to go to a fucking party?
	It's a lot.
	It's not a lot.
	It's outrageous.
	I didn't tell him to do it.
	I'm just saying it's like, I mean, did you have industry there?
	Were you giving away?
	What were your party favors?
	We had a great spread of food.
	Right.
	But there was no industry.
	What did you get?
	There was a Mr. Softy truck that pulled up.
	I have that at my party in Westchester.
	It costs 68 bucks in an Uber from New York City.
	I have Jimmy Softserve show up.
	Okay.
	And you can get it every year at Max's birthday party.
	You can get as much as you want.
	Yeah.
	Root bear float.
	You'll fucking lose your mind.
	Well, as much as you want.
	You won.
	I mean, dude, you got me.
	Long Island is a, I mean, it's a, job.
	It's, yeah, it's a choice.
	Yeah.
	It's when you were like, when you were like, I'm having this party in Long Island, it gave me, it gave me, like, I felt sad.
	Like, I was like, fuck, I felt depressed.
	Well, it's supposed to depress you.
	The party was kind of depressing.
	Why?
	Well, because Louis was there, who I love, but I remember like he, a couple of years ago, would have been at like Jack Nicholson's house, but he was hanging out with Louis Gomez and he was enjoying it.
	And seeing that, seeing him enjoy it, that was what made me go, man, it's tough.
	Well, dude, I went, Louie, you ever go to one of Louis' parties at his house?
	No, I just became friends with him in the last year.
	I went to his house once.
	He made me a steak.
	Dude, he threw, I remember he, one year, he invited us all over for Thanksgiving.
	Norton, me, Nick DiPaolo.
	Dude, it was a Oscar event.
	Yeah, I imagine.
	It was all, dude, it was, I think, like four Oscar winners.
	Yeah.
	The guy from Scarface, who got thrown out of the helicopter, what was his name?
	I forget.
	Huge actor.
	Fame.
	He opened the door.
	Hello.
	Wow.
	Joan Rivers walks in, daughter.
	Pose a parky with Pose of Pose.
	Parker Posey.
	Parkaposey.
	Sorry.
	I'm dyslexic and stupid.
	She was playing with Max, like tickling his feet.
	Crazy.
	Dude, the mother from The Exorcist.
	Yeah.
	And who's the guy who died?
	Great actor.
	Kind of looks like you a little bit.
	Maybe it could be your brother.
	He was in Boogie Nights.
	Chris Penn?
	No, Boogie Nights, gay guy.
	Tried to kiss Mark Wahlberg.
	I'm blanking.
	I suck too.
	This sucks getting old because you can't tell stories.
	I had Rosebud Baker, Mike Seeney.
	Oh, wow.
	I mean, I had, you know?
	Dude, what the hell is his name?
	And Yana's Papas?
	I love you.
	I love you.
	These are people at the cape.
	I don't know anyone.
	It's at that level.
	You do.
	I mean, Louie.
	Louie, well, Louie's, of course, there.
	And I know a few people, but they would never come to a party of mine.
	Like they would text their fans of the podcast, some really big actors that would text me and go, you're funny.
	I don't think they'd ever come.
	If you had a place in Westchester, maybe they'd come.
	Yeah.
	You should have went Westchester.
	I can sell this place.
	You should have went Westchester.
	If you go Westchester, dude, you got Ryan Reynolds up there.
	Yeah, that's why I'm going to live there.
	There's no beach.
	Bobby, we got the beach.
	We got the seafood.
	We got the Long Islands.
	It's the greatest place in the world.
	It's hack.
	It's not.
	It's hack.
	It's the greatest place in the world.
	Dude, it's hacked.
	And Westchester's not?
	Dude, Westchester is Bestchester, dude.
	I'm telling you right now, dude.
	I'm telling you.
	This is, by the way, one of these geography fights we get in that everybody hates it.
	No one can relate to it.
	But Bestchester, dude, you go straight up the West Side Highway.
	I know.
	Well, 87.
	There's so many ways to get there.
	Dude, where you live, it's hack.
	It's like, cool, Stern, Stern, Seinfeld.
	I mean, you can't get, I mean, come on, dude.
	Yeah, it's slates.
	I don't live near them.
	Let's clarify that.
	Are you on the ocean?
	Are you mentally ill?
	Of course not.
	What are you on?
	I'm in the woods.
	Nice, though.
	Okay.
	But I'm like 10, 12 minutes from a beach.
	I don't like the beach.
	I don't like the ocean.
	I mean, you're entitled to that opinion.
	I'm a lake guy.
	I like a lake.
	Lakes are garbage and they're for trash.
	They are Bobby.
	Bobby.
	Dude, lakes are for men.
	Lakes are for men for poor men.
	No.
	It's disgusting.
	Bobby, the oceans are for men.
	Whaling, Bobby?
	Being on a ship and killing a whale?
	Dude, yeah, that's for savages.
	Dude, savages.
	I'll tell you what.
	Oceans are for fucking are for very rich people, elite, and the whitest of white people.
	Okay.
	Number one, that's not true, but number two, I don't hear any bad things yet.
	Dude, okay.
	First of all, when the there's no hurricanes on lakes, there's no tsunamis.
	Okay, you've got a point now.
	Yeah, every time there's a goddamn weather, every time God sneezes, you got to batten down the hatches because your house is going to be wiped away.
	That is true.
	My friend, her house in Florida, just gone.
	Yeah.
	Lake goes up and down a little bit.
	You're done.
	But there's nothing that will kill you.
	You go to the ocean.
	It's always cold as shit up in the northeast.
	Yeah.
	And then sharks.
	Shark.
	I mean, dude, the great white sharks, there's an app that I have on my phone that tracks all the great white sharks.
	And you know where a lot of them are?
	Long Island.
	They do, but you know what?
	A lot of them don't fuck with people.
	They don't.
	Are you nuts?
	They just don't fuck with you.
	They don't fuck with people.
	It doesn't matter if you get fucked with or not, but they're there.
	What do you think would happen if we put a great white shark in a lake?
	Do you think he'd be disgusted immediately and go like, where am I?
	He'd die right away.
	Can't live in fresh water.
	Yeah, he'd be like, this is, he'd kill himself.
	What are you going to do?
	You got turtles and you got largemouth, maybe a pickerel.
	The idea of a lake is amazing.
	Here's what I will agree with you on.
	The idea of a lake is like really beautiful, like a placid, not, you know, like a still lake in the morning.
	God, I get that.
	But a lot of lakes are just drunks with the beer boat.
	You know what I'm talking about.
	You're talking about the shitty lakes.
	Like I'm talking up in Westchester.
	Like Lake Havasu is disgusting.
	They're animals.
	It's garbage.
	Yeah, these are garbage pieces.
	Yeah, but that's a dead lake.
	I mean, that's the dude.
	I went to the lake.
	Yeah, it's garbage.
	It's servicer.
	Okay, thank you.
	It's it's where trash people go to to die.
	Yes, it's garbage.
	It's just boats hooked up to other boats.
	That's what I'm talking about.
	They're just chicks with their asses out.
	They get drunk.
	It's dangerous.
	I get scared every time I go to the party cove.
	I've been to that lake and it frightens me.
	Thank you.
	Because there's so many people, but I'm talking the Northeast.
	I'm talking civilized people.
	You might be right.
	You're turning me now.
	Kayaks.
	Yeah, you're turning me.
	Okay.
	A swimming dock.
	Now you're turning me.
	Okay.
	The foliage.
	There's a beautiful lake upside down.
	Ice skating.
	You can't ice skate on the ocean.
	Saranak Lake and there's an old Rockefeller retreat there.
	No, okay.
	You're starting to turn me a little bit on this.
	You take a hike on a trail.
	It's beautiful.
	But I do want to just, for a minute, say that I want you to give the ocean another chance because it is.
	I can't.
	You can't open your eyes in the water.
	That's powerful.
	You jump in a lake.
	You can open your eyes.
	Some of them.
	You don't have to shout.
	Lake Austin.
	What's Lake Austin?
	It is the color of there's a Donkey Kong country.
	Get this up.
	There's a Level in Donkey Kong country and they swim in the water.
	And I don't know the name of it.
	And it's Lake Austin does not look like any of this, by the way.
	It is a green, the color of algae green.
	Yeah, that's and it's grotesque.
	All right.
	Bring up Squam Lake.
	Squam Lake.
	Bring up Squam Lake, New Hampshire.
	This is the lake I'm talking about.
	Squam Lake is the lake that on Golden Pond was filmed on.
	Okay.
	Look at that, dude.
	Okay.
	I got to be honest.
	Look at that.
	All right.
	Click that little red hut there.
	Look at that.
	Look at that.
	Look at the little red hut.
	I got to be honest with you.
	This, that is, yeah.
	I kayak past that.
	That is beautiful.
	That's America.
	That's quiet.
	All right.
	That's quiet.
	It's a nice mix of rich.
	Go to Howard Stern House and hit image.
	No, I'm kidding.
	No, listen.
	I agree with you.
	This is what we're talking about.
	I thought you were talking about like, you know.
	Look at that.
	It's beautiful.
	Look at that little sandbar.
	No, you're right.
	Look at that.
	You're right.
	Look at that.
	That's sand.
	That's clean.
Squam Lake Sadness 00:02:40
	I know.
	I know.
	I mean, that's five seconds away from drinking.
	Well, let's not get hysterical.
	Yeah.
	You look great.
	You feel great.
	I feel fantastic.
	You're happy.
	I'm happy.
	And why?
	I have AIDS and I have four months to live and it's almost over.
	And I don't have to plug my podcast or go on Instagram anymore in around three and a half months.
	How great would it be to die as a straight man with a family to just die of full-blown AIDS?
	Full-blown AIDS.
	And I never.
	And they still wouldn't give you a special.
	No, I wouldn't give a special.
	Even if you went into HBO and you're like, I have, I don't even have HIV.
	It's full-blown.
	Yeah.
	I'm dying in six months and I've never done anything gay.
	Yeah.
	And they'd be like, we don't believe you.
	First of all.
	And then second of all.
	Yeah, dude, I can, it'd be great.
	It would, I, have you ever thought about like getting injured?
	Like being in a car and be like, dude, if I get in a car accident right now and I don't want to get hurt, like where I'm dead or I'm going to be messed up, but like a six month, eight month hip injury.
	Yes.
	Or I have to learn how to walk again, where I just could be out of the business.
	I could just take a break.
	Yes.
	And people would be like, we get it.
	Nobody, but because we do the podcasts, people would always expect, unless you are completely dead, they would always expect a nurse to hold a microphone to your fucking mouth as I laid there.
	And they'd be like, what do you think about Kanye?
	Like, there's, it's never ending with podcasts.
	Like, it never ends.
	There are no seasons.
	You still have to do like stories of you learning how to walk.
	Yeah.
	Oh, yeah.
	The other day the nurse comes in.
	I stand up.
	Like, yeah, it would, it's, you know.
	Yeah.
	There's no get out of jail.
	There's no.
	We're in it.
	We're in it.
	No, it's, it's a horror.
	But Austin, you had a good time.
	Dude, Austin was, it was great.
	LA is a little dead now.
	We're all feeling this little death.
	It's a dude.
	When I land in LA and I don't want to hate LA because I, you know, I have a reputation of hating everything.
	Yeah.
	I don't.
	I don't hate LA.
	I get LA.
	I understand it now.
	I get it.
	But when I land here, the sadness that comes over me.
	It's big.
	It's a, it's like when you go down, even to get an Uber, it's just a sad thing.
	Well, you have to choose when you live here.
	You have to go full sociopath.
	Yeah.
	Or it's always sad.
	And that's the vibe I get.
	Like even in my hotel, every male that I've run into has this aggressive energy when they're walking by you.
	Like, who are you?
	What are you, are you here?
Choosing Sociopath Mode 00:15:22
	Are you taking something from me?
	Like, I don't know.
	It's a weird vibe.
	Like, I was trying to tell my wife about it.
	Like, these guys have all been kind of like not friendly.
	Like, nobody's really like, hi, how are you?
	It's an isolating, lonely place.
	Everybody's really out for themselves and they're, it can get a little vicious.
	I don't, I haven't seen a ton of aggressive people, but there, there's, there's different ways of being aggressive where people are very dismissive here.
	It's not New York aggressive.
	Right.
	It's huntiness.
	No, it's dismissive.
	You're right.
	Yes.
	It's this, like, almost like, ugh.
	Well, there's also this weird idea that you're looking at people here that are the, um, they're still here.
	So a lot of people left.
	Yeah.
	So people went to Nashville.
	They went to Miami.
	They went to Austin.
	They, you know, and some of them are doing both and they're coming in and they're coming back.
	A lot of the people you're talking about are the people that are like, they have that energy of like, I'm sticking it out.
	Yeah.
	No matter how bad it gets.
	And it gets worse every day.
	Yeah.
	And then that they take the exterior starts to harden and they start to become not fun.
	Yeah.
	Like even like the guy at the hotel, I was just, I'm like, hey, how are you, man?
	It's like almost shocked, like good like, why are you, why are you talking like that?
	Like, why are you yeah, why are you being nice?
	Or you know yeah, because probably two days ago a homeless guy threw piss at him and there's nothing, and he moved here to be like an actor, like he moved here to do something.
	It's so sad.
	And there's a homeless guy outside, like full-on yeah, and he calls the cops and the cops go, what do you want us to do?
	And he goes okay, and then the next, and the person walks in and goes, I just stepped in yeah, somebody's got to clean their dog.
	And then you got you go.
	It's not a dog it's, it's actually a person.
	Yep, I feel like fashion is a is a big thing here too, like in New York, like people are just dressed, you know, regular.
	I feel like like i've seen so many people looking like they're coming out of a magazine.
	The best thing about being here is you can be ridiculous.
	You can look ridiculous like I can dress in like a onesie and nobody and no one cares.
	Like I can wear crazy.
	I could dress like the Lorax yeah, like in just an orange furry suit and no one would care.
	I went to the Ivy the other day with uh, my friend uh, Mike Howda's brother and uh, and people were like these couples were coming in dressed like Johnny Depp, like both of them.
	Well, that's the thing.
	Now the new thing is androgynous hats, hats and bracelets.
	They look like maybe it's like kind of like they're a ranger, but like cooler.
	Yeah, it's very weird.
	It's very like futuristic cowboy.
	Yes, and they have all these like uh shiny, like rings and bracelets, like these.
	Yeah, vegan cowboy.
	Yeah, it's very weird.
	And they and they're gorgeous, like everyone's, very attractive, but in an odd way, where you go, what would sex with them be like?
	Even would it be good?
	Yeah, it's a weird.
	It was a weird vibe yeah, and these people come out because you can ham, you can't help but look at them yeah, because it's such an oddity, you know, and i'm sitting there with a hoodie on, my friend's got a polo with you.
	We're all dressed regular at this restaurant.
	But then these people would pull up and come in and they look like, and it was five 30.
	Cause that's what they want to do.
	That's what they're here to do.
	That's what all of the money they pay, all of the taxes, the 13 and a half percent state tax, the fucking, all the high cost of living, the traffic, the fucking insanity.
	All of that is for that moment where they could walk in dress like an androgynous Johnny Depp carry and sit at the IV.
	And know that people like you are going to look at them.
	Yeah, that's their entire life.
	Yeah, and then they'll do it at a party and then they do it like a brunch.
	That's their entire.
	It's a weird thing.
	It's their entire life.
	Austin was the, though I gotta say man okay, I i'm gonna tell you something.
	I went when I was in Awesome with you last time.
	I had a bad experience.
	Yeah, I mean, we were, we were.
	I was really like what the?
	Yeah, it was 10 o'clock and we couldn't find a place to eat.
	It might have been me.
	I'm very negative.
	I, I don't know.
	It was bad.
	I went this time and the Vulcan is amazing.
	I went to the Vulcan.
	Uh, Joe invited me to go to the Vulcan.
	I went in and it was off the chain.
	It's great.
	The crowd, the young comics that were on like Joe's yeah, these guys all were killers.
	They're all very funny.
	I mean really funny.
	Uh, Tony was there.
	The crowd was off the chain and and uh, I couldn't believe how it felt like New York, it felt like the seller, like the old seller.
	It felt like I couldn't believe how Joe's rarely wrong I don't think he's wrong.
	I think when he said Austin is going to be a spot, I think the timeline was a bit off, because I think it's becoming one now yeah, and his club's opening in a few months.
	But when he sees something, he did it about podcasting, he did it about MMA.
	Yeah, he calls things early and he's right.
	Yeah dude, I mean, I was like this is the shit, and I was talking there's like they're like six clubs, his club's open yeah, and he's gonna have two clubs inside of that club.
	I have beef a little bit with the characterization of Austin in the way that it's like people talk about it like it's the new New York or the new, and that's where you have to go.
	Let's calm down.
	Well, the new LA comedy wise yeah sure, comedy wise yeah, you could, you could make that argument.
	But it's a.
	It's a small college town that's growing right, but it's not.
	But it's not as PC as I thought it was.
	No, it's not.
	Like that show I was on was very not PC.
	Well, it's Rogan's show and, but they, but if, if he's cultivating stand-up there yeah, that's great.
	If he's cultivating, this is what comedy is, and he is doing that and those kids, all those guys on the show, and that's what I mean.
	That's what that's what comedy is going to be, and the people that don't like that aren't going to go to comedy, and the people that do are going to go see those shows.
	That's what we want is.
	I mean, it's pretty.
	I was like shit.
	And if you want to see, like the Austin, other shit, there's other stuff you can see.
	If you want to see the, whatever it is, you can see it.
	The only thing doesn't make sense to me is the hotels.
	It's so expensive.
	Austin is so expensive.
	Like Elon Musk and Joe Rogan have been telling people, it's the place to be.
	So yeah, it's expensive.
	I mean I wish they mean it was.
	It's outrageous, $400 a night, dude.
	The apartments are going up at the.
	The rents of are rising at like the fastest rate the.
	The housing market just finally cooled down.
	I mean you're talking about a year and a half ago, even a little.
	Not even as long as that.
	Houses were getting 30 40 offers on one house people were closing you know 30, 40 more than ask they had to sign waivers going.
	I know I'm paying an insane amount more right, because they just wanted to get in yeah um, I don't understand, though.
	Like a Sheridan, I was at a shitty Sheridan the the wallpaper in the hallway was peeling off the wall.
	In my room the carpet was wet.
	I had to change my room twice and it was $400 a night.
	I don't.
	I don't understand that.
	It's outrageous.
	People will pay it.
	I had to yeah, but I that fucked me up.
	That me up.
	What I would like to do is move into Joe's home and because it's a big enough home yeah, that I feel like I should be able to live there.
	I would like to live there with you.
	I think many of us yeah, Joey Diaz myself you, we should all live there.
	We should maybe move into the studio.
	That's another option.
	I would take the studio and I would sleep in the sauna.
	I haven't been there in a while.
	There's the sauna now dude, his studio, it's so um, Look, you know, Joe himself is just, he's always been that.
	Just that he walks in a room and you're like, who's that?
	Right.
	Even though you know him, you're like, what the fuck?
	He's got just such a great energy, right?
	But that studio is, is overwhelming.
	Yeah.
	Like, you know, it's overwhelming.
	It's, it's so like nondescript.
	And then you get in there and you're like, holy shit.
	I mean, all the stuff he has in there, the deprivation thing, the tech, the sauna and the gym.
	Yeah.
	I mean, the coolest thing about all of his studios, they've always been nondescript.
	Yeah.
	And the first time I did the show, it was so cool.
	You just pull, you know, you pull into a parking lot.
	You're like, what the fuck is, am I in the right place?
	Yeah.
	That's the first thing you think.
	Yeah.
	And then you see like a Navy SEAL or some big beasty guy.
	You're like, oh.
	You get converged on.
	Yeah.
	So it is interesting.
	That's my, one of my favorite things is that they're never, you'll never know what it is until you're inside.
	Until you're inside, which was insane.
	And it's, it's very, and then the studio is, is nice.
	It's not this huge, holy, it's this cool, cozy thing.
	And you're right in there with them.
	Yeah.
	And yeah, but it's, it's epic.
	And Tom's, I mean, what they're doing in Austin, I feel like it almost makes you want to go, you know, let's get out of here.
	Yeah.
	Let's go.
	Let's just go there, get a house.
	Yeah.
	And, and, and, and.
	Well, I did that.
	I did that.
	I know you did.
	I did that.
	And I listen, when the club opens, I'll spend time there.
	Yeah.
	I'll spend a lot of time there.
	Make sell that house on Long Island.
	No.
	Are you mentally ill?
	Are you nuts?
	Are you on crack?
	Go buy a house near me.
	Okay.
	Go buy a house near me on a lake.
	Okay.
	Your life will change.
	And you know what else?
	Your parties will have better people.
	Perhaps.
	You'll have no one, which is better.
	Dude, you'll have actors.
	All the actors, they don't live in, who the fuck lives in Long Island?
	Who?
	I don't know.
	But I didn't buy to live around people.
	It's, you know.
	Dude, you have a party.
	You want people to go.
	We had a good amount of comics come.
	Who?
	A lot of lower rent people.
	Yeah.
	Dude.
	But there was a few, you know, Louie.
	You know, that was it.
	But then there were others.
	Then there's sweet people.
	Sweet people.
	I would ask you a question.
	The people that you invited.
	Normand came.
	Norman would come.
	Come on.
	I know.
	He'd come, whatever.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	He didn't care.
	Are you going to his wedding?
	No.
	It's in New Orleans.
	I feel like I want to go.
	Then go.
	I just like, I just, food's going to be good and stuff.
	That's so funny.
	Well, you know what I mean.
	I love New Orleans.
	New Orleans is good.
	You know, I actually said New Orleans food sucked a long time ago.
	I went there and regretted it.
	I trashed it.
	I was like, you gumba, fuck gumbo.
	Yeah.
	You jumba shit aliyah.
	Whatever it is.
	I hated it.
	Yeah.
	And then he was like, well, it's good.
	You got to chat again.
	And I went back with Nick DiPaulo and we went to really good.
	It's some of the best food.
	It was amazing.
	I mean, it was real.
	That's what we do.
	Yeah.
	We say shit.
	Remember when we got in a fight over Ray Donovan?
	It's a horrible show.
	I actually watched it.
	I like it.
	It's a great show.
	It's actually really good.
	But that's what we do.
	We come out and we're like, Austin.
	And I want to let everyone know, especially people at the Eternal Revenue Service.
	I'm a comedian.
	Yeah.
	And I say a lot of shit, but I love Texas and I'm a Texan and will be very soon.
	I might be a Texan too.
	You should be a Texas.
	I want to, don't you have like a guest house I can rent?
	Yes.
	You can, no, just come.
	I don't care if you rent it.
	Can I, can I?
	Just come stay there.
	I could have just stayed.
	Why did I stay at the sheriff?
	Just stay at my house.
	I don't know why I was.
	Dude, my house is no money either.
	Like my mortgage is, it's so cheap.
	Really?
	It's $2,900 a month for that.
	That's Texas.
	That makes me sick.
	It's great.
	It's $2,900 a month.
	I'm staying at your place next year.
	Just stay there.
	Yeah.
	I'll stay at the guest house.
	Yeah.
	Up by the chickens.
	I wish there were chickens.
	Oh, you have deer.
	You have deer.
	You have a lot of deer.
	I saw a deer when we were there.
	There's a lot of deer.
	I love your house, too.
	It's not a bad house.
	I'm liking Austin, dude.
	I've always, I've said nothing but good things about it.
	I mean, if we're going to go down this route, I guess.
	I mean, that night when we were looking for.
	No, I hate.
	No, I've publicly been in a war with Austin for a year and a half.
	But like all wars, they have to end.
	All wars have to end.
	Ukraine and Russia will have to end.
	Me and Austin will have to end.
	LA's desolate too.
	LA sucks too.
	LA's got good food, though.
	Great food.
	I mean, ridiculous amounts.
	Really good.
	Yes.
	It's gotten so much better.
	It's got great food.
	I got to give LA credit on food.
	And I'm not, I'm not, you know, like that part of me, I don't do that anymore where I'm like, you know, no, I know.
	I got to, where's the food?
	Right.
	Because that's, you know, when I used to come to LA, it was where's the hookers.
	And then it was where's the food.
	And then it became where's the food.
	And now you're where, where's the podcasts?
	It's so sad.
	It gets sadder and sadder.
	Hookers, food.
	Now it's pod.
	We're the podcast.
	Yeah, I remember when I used to come here and that's what it reminded me of coming here tonight.
	It reminded me of getting a hooker back in the day because you had to like go to an address and then you had to call when you got there and then they would come out.
	They'd give you the right address.
	How would you know which one to like, where would you find?
	Was it on back pages?
	Like, what was that?
	There was the LA Weekly.
	Okay.
	You'd get the LA Weekly and in the back, they had the hookers.
	And you could.
	And they just had like, would it say like, hey, I'm, you know, it would have a picture of a girl and it was never that girl.
	Right.
	It would have this blonde girl.
	You'd be like, oh my God.
	And you'd show up and it was a Spanish woman in her 50s with zits.
	And at that point, you're just like, look, it's three o'clock in the morning.
	Let's just do this.
	And you'd go in and do what you had to do.
	What was the price back then?
	Back then, it was different prices.
	It was $100 usually or $120.
	But LA is the worst for sex workers.
	New York was the best.
	New York was the ultimate because I don't know.
	It was a better, there was a, I think because a porn was here.
Worst Appetizer Stories 00:11:26
	I don't know.
	They fucked you a lot here.
	It was always a scam.
	New York, it was, you know, it was actually, they had some type of code where you kind of got what you wanted.
	Right.
	But in LA, it was always a scam.
	It was always bullshit.
	Like I showed up one time at this place.
	It was a hotel, shitty hotel.
	And we showed up and she was like, yeah, I can't touch you.
	You can't touch me, but we can get naked and you can masturbate.
	And it's like, I already gave you the money.
	Now I'm just sitting there and I'm just, I could have just done this in my hotel.
	Yeah, what is that?
	Well, it's just sex.
	It's bad, you know, it's like bad stuff, you know, but you think you're going to, you know, hook up.
	Like in New York, you would go and you'd, you'd go into a room and you'd, you know.
	What do you think sex work in Austin is like?
	Just a big woman who smells like brisket.
	She comes out and she's, she's just dangling burnt ends like pasties over her tits.
	She's got like bikey tattoos and hashy elbows.
	She's technically a lesbian, but she's making side cash.
	She's got cancer freckles on her tits.
	Yeah, she just comes out with like that dikey green hair.
	She's like, I sucked a dick once.
	I'll do it again.
	I owe tax money.
	I'll do it again if I have to.
	Yeah, I mean, it's sex in the sex in LA has never been good.
	No, sex in LA is horrible.
	I mean, it is good if you're an act.
	I guess if you're going to the orgies.
	There's orgies?
	Just like eyes wide shut shit.
	Where?
	Has to be.
	I mean, you can't see.
	I'm not invited.
	I've never seen that.
	I know, but I just have to believe it because there's got to be a reason that people live here.
	Yeah.
	But yeah, I don't, I don't, I've never seen that.
	The sex here is terrible.
	I almost got, I almost got shot one time.
	I had a girl come to my hotel room.
	It wasn't the girl in the thing.
	It was some, some angry, she was angry.
	And she was like, she, she just, you know, gave me an attitude.
	And then she, but she came in very nice and she took the money.
	Then she started giving me all these rules.
	And I was like, what the fuck?
	And then she left.
	And her guy came up and was like, listen, stop, you know, he had a gun.
	He was like, you know, it's this little white guy.
	He's like, stop messing with her.
	And I called the place back up and I placed a complaint.
	And I was like, no, this is bullshit.
	You sent the wrong girl.
	It's not the girl.
	And I complained.
	I'm like, this is crap.
	You know, I've ordered from before.
	I'm going to tell everybody I know.
	And then they go, we're going to send her back up.
	And they made her come back up.
	And she came back up.
	What was her attitude like then?
	It was terrible, but so was mine.
	Okay.
	So I just masturbated in front of her and I made her dance.
	What a beautiful story.
	I go, just dance.
	And she was just kind of doing this angry.
	Just pissed off dancing and you're just jerking off angry as well.
	It was terrible.
	It was like the worst experience.
	But I didn't want my, I wanted to get my money's worth.
	You don't want to get robbed.
	No, I almost got robbed.
	Yeah.
	I'm so glad I'm out of that sex stuff, though.
	That sex addiction was the worst.
	That was bad.
	How do you get out of that?
	Meeting a good woman?
	Yeah, I mean, yeah.
	I mean, I, I, I mean.
	Because you went from drugs.
	I went from drugs.
	Sex.
	Food was the first.
	Right.
	Back when I was a kid.
	Yeah.
	And then it went to drugs.
	It went back to food when I went to rehab.
	Then it went to sex.
	And sex, after I, you know, got sober, sex was, I just got addicted to it, man.
	It was terrible.
	It was bad.
	Were you able to have relationships in that?
	Yeah.
	No, it was, no, I wasn't.
	I was, it's just something I did.
	You know, I had to, I had to find it, hunt it down.
	Right.
	I mean, anytime I went to a hotel, I would open up the yellow pages and look for massage parlors and look for, you know, some weird thing just to fill the hole.
	And then, you know, when I went, my girlfriend at the time, my wife now, it was just, it was terrible.
	I had a bottom and it was like, look, she's going to leave.
	You know, she's gone.
	You hit a bottom.
	I hit a bottom.
	No, I heard I had to bottom.
	I mean, we got close to that too a couple of times.
	Let's be honest.
	I heard I had to bottom.
	I'm like, yeah, that wasn't.
	You really had a problem.
	I'm like, you had a real issue.
	I got close.
	Yeah, there was a couple of times.
	So when Dawn was like, give me an ultimatum, like, you got to clean it up.
	Yeah, dude.
	I was out.
	I tapped out.
	I went to therapy.
	I had to get my shit together.
	It's funny because every friend I have that you know told me to let her go and just, you're a piece of shit.
	Stop.
	You can't do it.
	Just let her go find somebody she deserves.
	You're a piece of garbage.
	Our group of people is, you don't want to get any advice from them ever.
	The only person that gave me good advice was Colin Quinn.
	Yeah.
	He said, try to change.
	Try.
	And in eight months, if you can't, a year you can't, then at least you tried.
	If you don't, you're going to regret it for the rest of your life.
	Right.
	And he was, I listened to him.
	Yeah.
	And I did.
	You always listen to him.
	You got to.
	And I did.
	And he saved my life.
	And he saved my relationship with my wife now, the mother of my child.
	And I got out of it.
	Right.
	You know, I got out of it.
	Because it was a, it's a bad one, man.
	Sex is a, sex is a bad one.
	Food is the worst.
	Food is the worst because you can't like, well, sex, you don't want, you can't get rid of either, but you can, you can get rid of a lot of it.
	Yeah, you could not fuck prostitutes behind your girlfriend's back.
	You could not, you know, uh, contribute to sex trafficking.
	Yeah, all that shit.
	Yeah.
	But food could not get jerked off to next to a polo loco at 11.
	But then, but then the next thing is eating in the pollo loco, and that's a problem too.
	And well, no, that's a good one.
	A Pelo Loco is good.
	That's a good, it's I enjoy it.
	I'm just saying it's chicken.
	It's chicken.
	Mac and cheese.
	You can, you can do the wrong thing.
	You can go off the rails anyway.
	Go off the rails.
	Yeah, food is the worst because you can't get away from it.
	And it feels just as good as sex.
	Food has an addictive quality that I feel like few people understand.
	No, they, a lot of people don't.
	They do, but they've never tapped into those feelings.
	Even fat people, when I talk to other fat people, I'm like, oh, you don't even, you don't even, this isn't an addiction for you.
	You just are eating like shit.
	Yeah.
	And you're fat and you're lazy, but you don't, you don't view it like an, because I always viewed it like an addiction.
	Right.
	And I'm like, you don't even view it like that.
	No.
	A lot of them don't even view it like that.
	No, it's, it's a hard thing to, uh, um, it's a hard thing to be aware of.
	Right.
	Because, but when you are, it fucking kills you.
	Yeah.
	Because you know what you're doing and you know what you're doing after because the food addiction thing, it's, I still order like a food addict.
	Like today for lunch.
	Right.
	I knew what I can eat, but I still ordered two things.
	Right.
	I still order two things.
	I've never not ordered because number one, you get one thing, you go, what if it sucks?
	It doesn't suck.
	But you go, what if it's, I remember going through the drive-thru at McDonald's with my grandmother and I ordered like three things.
	And she goes, why don't you order one thing?
	And I went, why?
	And she goes, because you're one person.
	Yes.
	And that was like, that hit me.
	I was like, oh, she's right.
	I've never thought like that.
	Yeah, no, I mean, McDonald's, to me, it was like, okay, you get a large fry, right?
	But you always want some more fries.
	Right.
	The large fry is not enough.
	Right.
	It is, but it's not.
	So what I would do is get three large fries.
	Right.
	I get three large fries because I won't eat them all, but I'll never want another fry.
	That's a good point.
	I like to get to the point where I'm like, I'm done.
	I'm full.
	Right.
	And with three, and then you put it in the bag and you can just keep eating until you're like, I'm full.
	One large fry is not enough.
	Yeah.
	I mean, for me, it's so hard to go out and not get an appetizer or a few.
	Yeah.
	And then an entree and then they come over and they're like dessert.
	I mean, it's a problem.
	It's nuts the way we eat here.
	If you think about it.
	Yeah.
	America does this.
	No other country does it.
	Does the appetizer.
	It like that's the size of a dinner.
	Well, you get the appetizer, which is a dinner, and then you get a whole meal.
	Yeah.
	So your plate comes.
	You just ate, you just shared two or three appetizers.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	And bread.
	Right.
	We always get bread.
	I don't know what the fucking bread thing is, but we always get bread at the beginning.
	Yeah.
	With butter.
	These are portion sizes around the world that we're looking at.
	Yeah, exactly.
	And where's America?
	There's United States.
	Two cutlets.
	Two cutlets.
	Yeah, two cutlets.
	But the thing that they're not showing in this.
	See, this is what they don't, they're not showing the before.
	The before.
	Like, cause here's, here's the reality is like when you just, you could get calorie counts up.
	That's what it really is.
	You go to like calorie counts at like a red lobster or something like that.
	One entree is about 2,000 calories.
	2,000 calories.
	One entree.
	Right.
	Of like fried shrimp, that Liguini pasta and some other bullshit.
	Like they have to like pick three, you know?
	Yeah.
	And we have more fast food or thieves restaurants, whatever you want to call them than anywhere else.
	Yeah.
	Nobody has what we have.
	Nobody, you, you don't go anywhere.
	When you go to a mall and you have the Cheesecake Factory and fucking Johnny Rockets and fucking every fast food, McDonald's, Chipotle.
	The food court.
	The food court, everything.
	Yeah.
	Haagen-Das on a milkshake.
	It's nuts.
	When you go to like a cheesecake factory and you're getting an appetizer of chicken wings, you'll get chicken wings before your meal.
	Like I would get chicken wings and I would order a French fry for the table.
	Like just get a fry for the table.
	Everybody loves French fries.
	I would get a chicken quesadilla with guacamole as an appetizer.
	I don't know if it's an app.
	It's probably not.
	It's probably not true.
	I consider it an appetizer.
	I would get that.
	I get the little stuffed mushroom bites.
	Yep.
	The little stuffed mushroom bites.
	Okay.
	I would do the buffalo blasts.
	Those are good.
	Those are good.
	Yeah.
	And then I would get like a burger and we'd split it and I'd be with one other person and we'd be eating like.
	I get a soup.
	Yeah.
	I always get asked what the soup is.
	Right.
	And I get the bowl.
	I'm not, I'm not, I'm, I'm not getting a cup of soup.
	Right.
	I'll get the, like a clam chowder.
	I'm in.
	I'll get a salad, whatever.
	Right.
	And then I'll get like a fried calamari.
	Yeah.
	And it's for everybody, right?
	But then you get the meal.
	But then I'll get a steak.
	I'll get a, I'll get a ribeye, a 16, a 16th hour.
	I don't, I think I've ever ordered a 10 ounce ribeye.
	We went to my agent took us out to S ⁇ W, which is a steakhouse in Vegas.
	And me, Sam Talent, the guy that opens for me.
Making Specials Difficult 00:12:20
	And we had, I mean, a shellfish tower, carpachio, fucking lobster ravioli.
	Then we had a Chateau Briand.
	We had the sides.
	We had the desserts.
	I felt when I walked out of that table, you just felt like you could barely move.
	Yeah.
	You feel like you, you feel like if anyone tried to attack me right now, I feel like an anaconda that had just expanded with the kill of a copy bar and you can't move.
	How did you, how did you change your life?
	I was fucking done, dude.
	I was done.
	I was done.
	I just couldn't, I couldn't be fat anymore.
	Yeah.
	I just couldn't do it.
	I couldn't, I couldn't carry it around.
	I couldn't feel that way anymore.
	I mean, I had heartburn every night.
	I had to take my socks off when I slept because my feet were swollen.
	My knee hurt all the time.
	My heart rate, breathing, I would hear myself on podcast.
	I couldn't, my heart rate was, everything was falling.
	It was gone.
	And I just couldn't, I couldn't quit alcohol, quit drugs, come this far, do all this shit, have a family, finally have done it, feeling like have a good life.
	And then I'm going to, I'm going to fucking get taken out by pasta and pizza.
	It just didn't make sense to me anymore.
	You know, it's like, I can't, I can't do it.
	I had to give it up.
	I had to give up my first addiction, my friend.
	It was my friend.
	Yeah.
	You know, because I'm on the road a lot.
	I don't, I don't really travel with people.
	And I, I feel like Lily Tomlin on this fucking thing.
	Um, and I had to give it up.
	I had to just give it up.
	This is the new hour that you have, which is brilliant, is about a lot of this stuff.
	Well, some of it.
	I'm doing the new hour I'm working on now is kind of about food, more food addiction about that.
	You know, my, my six fats, my first fat, my second fat, my third fat.
	This hour we did with Louie, it's, it's, he came to me after a show I opened for him and he's like, you know, I want to do your hour because nobody would give me an hour.
	And he's like, I want to direct your hour and produce it.
	And I was like, fucking yeah, that's awesome.
	And he was like, what do you got?
	And I was like, I got two hours.
	I got one on food and I got one.
	I got a bunch of other stuff.
	He goes, I just want you to kill.
	He goes, I don't want a theme thing.
	I just want you to go up and do a club set.
	I want you to do it like you're on the road.
	You're at a club and you just murder for an hour.
	Right.
	And I was like, great, great.
	So we picked Tampa because Tampa's the shit.
	The best.
	And the crowds are awesome and they're supportive.
	And Mike Calta, my number one best friend's out there.
	And the whole, the look of it is, it's Elvis's 68 comeback special.
	I wanted a 10 foot by 10 foot, 12 inch stage.
	I want everybody around me.
	You know that look when he came out in that and we created it at Coastal Creatives, this place, this just empty space.
	And we made it.
	That's so fucking cool.
	Yeah, it was great.
	Can we get Elvis' special up?
	I'm curious as to what that looks like.
	So are you like in the round?
	It's not the round.
	It's almost the round.
	It's more of a square.
	But yeah.
	Like if you look at like, see how the people are around him in the images?
	Yes.
	Yeah.
	See, like everybody's around him.
	Right.
	And if you bring up, yeah, bring up my kill box, Robert Kelly Killbox.
	And it's, I can't believe they kind of, they really got it.
	You know what I mean?
	Yeah, we, and we made it.
	Yeah, see that one right there?
	The one to the first one.
	Yeah.
	See that?
	It's the same type of.
	They did it.
	Yeah, they did it.
	It's the same vibe.
	And it's, it's great.
	And that's a great shot too.
	All those people.
	They're right up on you.
	Yeah.
	So why as you're telling the jokes, you can see people laughing.
	Yeah.
	I like that.
	I like the theater thing.
	It's fine.
	Right.
	But I feel like it's, it's just closed off.
	Specials are tough.
	They're hard.
	I, I hate, I, I hate having them.
	I love live performance.
	Making it a special is difficult.
	That's difficult.
	It's hard to do because it's, you, you're, you're doing it on queue.
	Yeah.
	Instead of going out, this is, there's something at stake.
	Right.
	Like we, I talked about before we 20 minutes into my set on the first show, this lady almost died and we had to stop the show.
	Yeah.
	And we had to, you know, everything.
	And it just fucking threw me off.
	Yeah.
	Fucked me up.
	That was in my head.
	So I had to get the next one.
	What did she almost die of?
	We don't know.
	She just passed out and she was and her husband was crying and it was a fucking nightmare.
	And, you know, the whole room went from having a blast, having her greatest time to like, this person's going to die.
	Yeah.
	And they dragged her out and I guess she survived.
	Thank God.
	Her husband sent me a DM the next day.
	She's okay.
	Yeah, great.
	Yeah.
	But it was all right.
	I mean, but it was, I mean, look, like it's weird too, because now everybody, like, you have to pay for my special.
	Yes.
	But it's like, look, man, we didn't just go do this for $10,000 at a club, which I'm fine with.
	We went and tried to make something special.
	Yeah.
	We tried to come up with a thing in my head, give it to Louie, his team, and let's make it.
	And let's put it out there on his website and not ask anymore, you know, to, you know, yeah.
	So, and, and we just did it.
	And people, like, I'm so happy they've been responding and buying it and supporting it.
	Well, they should.
	It's a great fucking hour.
	I saw you do that hour in Round Rock, Texas, or a good portion of that hour at a bar and you murdered.
	It was amazing.
	Yeah.
	That was, yeah, that was, that was crazy.
	So, and that was the best hour I'd seen in a very long time.
	So it's like, anyone not, you should absolutely go and buy that.
	Are you, are you happy when you look at like the decision to do it the way you did it in that environment?
	Is that, do you say to yourself, like, that's great.
	You want to do that again?
	I don't know what you mean.
	I don't know either.
	It's like, I, I shot in Denver and I shot a big theater in Denver.
	I go, I don't want to do that again.
	I want it different.
	I want something else.
	And it's not that I hated it.
	Right.
	I just, you know, the fire alarm went off first show before I went on.
	It was a whole thing.
	Something always happens.
	But to me, I go, I would go smaller next time, maybe.
	Yeah.
	I mean, that's why I like doing these specials.
	The first one I did at the Village Underground.
	This one was here and we created this space.
	I think the next one, then the next one, maybe I do a theater.
	Maybe I do something a little bigger.
	Yeah.
	Because I haven't done one in the theater.
	And it's, you know, when you do a theater, you do theaters all the time.
	It's, it's a different performance.
	Very.
	It's not like I can, in this crowd, I can see people's faces.
	Yeah.
	So you wind, I wind up fucking yapping to him.
	There's a lot of, I put crowd work into it.
	Like the rule Louis had is if it's funny, it's in.
	Yeah, it's the best rule.
	Whatever the, whatever.
	So there was a crowd work thing that he left in.
	And I was like, great.
	And now you don't have to do, go through somebody to say, oh, you should take that out.
	You should just fuck it.
	I was going to call it Remember AIDS.
	And you should have.
	And I was like, we can't do that.
	And Louie was like, why not?
	We can call it whatever we want.
	I don't know shit.
	Because you can do whatever you want now.
	Cause there's no, you're not asking anybody.
	Right.
	You're just doing it.
	Yeah.
	And now that Louie has his own site and your fan base is going to fucking buy whatever you put out because they love you.
	I think that, I think that the streamers are going to start letting you call it remember AIDS too because they're all broke.
	You think so?
	Yeah.
	They're losing a lot of money, man.
	I didn't get any notes on that special.
	I think it's going to go the other way where people are like, we got to make money.
	These are all businesses.
	Yeah.
	These guys will have mortgages.
	Yeah.
	And I think people forgot about that.
	And they're like, oh, but we could just win Emmys and like have articles written about us saying how great we are.
	And it's like, eventually something's got to make money.
	Yeah.
	And something's got to be good.
	Yeah.
	I don't think it's going to go back to like where, you know, there's always going to be things are going to be a reflection somewhat of the time that they're in.
	Yeah.
	But that being said, I think making just woke garbage might be over.
	And they might, people are like, let's make good, let's make things that are good.
	Yeah.
	I think funny always wins in the end.
	And I mean, look at this.
	I'm, I'm, I don't have to back in the day, you had to do some radio tour that a publicist set up and you had to go on.
	Hey, this is WA, Robert Kelly's killbox, blah, blah.
	And it was like, holy, I don't even know these people.
	I don't even know if they like me.
	Some of them didn't, you know, blah, blah, blah.
	Now I'm out here with you at fucking 11 o'clock at night in the middle of nowhere shooting at your studio.
	Yeah.
	And thousands of people are watching this.
	Yeah.
	And you're my friend.
	Right.
	And we're just shooting the shit.
	It's easier.
	I mean, I just fired it.
	I think I might have shit my pants.
	Right.
	I think I might have shit my pants.
	I don't know if I pooped.
	But yeah.
	Well, you could shit on morning radio, too.
	You can't.
	You can't shit.
	You can't shit on morning radio.
	You can shit on morning radio, but not morning TV.
	Yeah.
	But yeah, like this, the whole thing changed.
	I'm hanging with my friend right now.
	Right.
	Doing your podcast.
	Yeah.
	And thousands of people could go buy this thing.
	Yeah.
	And should.
	And it's like, that's nuts that you're in control.
	Like all of our podcasts, all these friends of comics are in control of the people that like them now.
	Instead of CBS being in control of all those people and controlling you, they're going to win it.
	They'll win in the end.
	Who?
	The industry will win in the end.
	Why?
	How?
	They'll buy everything.
	They'll buy all this shit.
	How much would it cost for you?
	For me?
	Yeah.
	To buy you.
	I'm CBS.
	I want to own this.
	How much?
	20 million.
	That's it.
	Yeah.
	You're done.
	Yeah.
	Look at he just he's just look at his eyes.
	20 million bucks.
	I, if, because here's the reality.
	I go, okay, you've written me a check for own it meaning what?
	Own it meaning like you're on CBS something and you have to go, you have to, you have to answer to somebody.
	As long as I could do the show I want to do.
	Yeah, but you'd have to answer, answer to somebody.
	Yeah, 20 million, I'll answer.
	I mean, I just, I'm going to do what I do.
	And they know, like, if I'm envisioning that if they buy this stuff, they know what it is and they want to own it for a reason.
	Yeah.
	And the people that like it like it for a reason.
	But CBS is not going to buy it.
	No.
	So somebody like Sirius or somebody like that who, you know, is out on the outskirts who kind of don't give a fuck, who kind of do things anyways.
	They already have Stern and Jim and Sam and what Rogan's on is Spotify.
	Spotify, they are taking risks.
	Yeah.
	But there's no way a network or even a canage is going to take that.
	It's a division of one of those companies.
	I do think that maybe streamers in the future like look at some of this stuff and go, maybe they want it.
	What, like Netflix?
	I don't know if Netflix, but I'm surprised Netflix hasn't bought a podcast.
	I think they just don't want the smoke, as they would say.
	Like they don't want the potential problems.
	Right.
	They just don't want the controversy.
	Right.
	I think that's probably.
	But don't you think that they're losing a lot of money to podcasting?
	Don't you think like well, the problem with podcasts, this has always been the problem with the podcast, right?
	You can't make this much better.
	Like let's say Netflix put it in that studio and they got a staff and had all these people.
	You go, it doesn't make it much better.
	Right.
	This is why they don't fuck with us because if you look at a sketch that somebody did online, they could go, we could make that a show.
	Right.
	With this, there's not much you can do.
	Like, I guess you could make it real time, but it's not real time.
Why Netflix Avoids Smoke 00:03:39
	But you know what I mean?
	Like they can't do that much with any of this stuff.
	I think that they can still do a lot when they're making movies and when they're making shows.
	But with this, like the reality of what this is is just people shooting the shit, some of them being funny.
	Yeah.
	It's it is it is crazy that you have your own studio, which is awesome, by the way.
	Thank you.
	And you can just roll in.
	You just got out of a plane.
	Yeah.
	Me and you are sitting here talking to thousands of people.
	And it doesn't, there's one person.
	There's a some technology and you hit a couple buttons and you're gone.
	That's crazy.
	It's crazy.
	That's technology.
	But there's limits to it too, right?
	The limits are it's not going to ever replace Step Brothers or Tommy Boy, right?
	Or Anchorman or The Birdcage.
	No, it won't.
	What movie that came out is like that?
	None of them.
	But I'm saying the person in this world that we're all in who finds a way to make a 90-minute comedy the way that all comedies that we grew up with were, it's going to change the game because I'm telling you, I love podcasting.
	It's my, you know, I love it.
	That being said, it's a lot of things, but what it isn't is what I just said.
	It's not those things.
	So the person who figures out a way to do a movie like that.
	And I don't mean Louie, who's already established and already brilliant.
	I mean a guy in our group who figures out a way to fund and do a film.
	Yeah.
	That's going to be a game changer.
	Yeah, but the film has to be, I think the comedies aren't funny anymore.
	It's got to be funny.
	It's got to be, it's got to be fucked up.
	It's got to be very fucked up.
	There's got to have tits in it.
	I think tits have to come back.
	Tits have to come back.
	TNA.
	And they can be trans tits.
	Yeah, 100%, I think.
	100%.
	I prefer, because with that, you can even show the penis.
	I'm for it all.
	100%.
	Yes.
	I'd love to see a trans huge.
	Make it instead of TNA, TND.
	Just a fun comedic.
	And people are getting aroused.
	It's great.
	Oh, my God.
	Fuck you.
	I'd love to see that.
	Like Porky's, but trans?
	Kentucky Fried movie.
	Yeah, with trans?
	Yes.
	Fantastic, man.
	That's the pitch.
	Was there any, what was it with a trans, oh, um, what movie with the trans?
	It was the fucking Zach Galifanakis movie.
	Hangover?
	Hangover had trans.
	Perhaps.
	She had a, she, right, Hangover 2.
	I don't remember.
	Yeah, you're probably right.
	Oh, yeah.
	Oh, I believe me.
	I remember.
	I'm a big fan of the trans.
	Well, straight guys are very into trans now.
	Yeah.
	I don't know what it is.
	Yeah.
	It's big.
	So let's go in the movie.
	Yeah, it was definitely.
	Yeah.
	There she is.
	Yeah.
	Trans.
	Smoking hot.
	Look at her.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	I think the next movies that are going to come out that are going to make an impact are going to be fucking outrageous.
	They have to be politically incorrect, fucked up.
	Half-life shit.
	That's the one thing we can't do ourselves or we can.
	We got to figure out how to do it ourselves.
	We could do talk shows ourselves, stand up, all that shit.
	I mean, talk shows, this is what a podcast is.
	We took over late, you know, late night TV doesn't matter anymore.
	It's crazy.
	Yeah.
	Late night TV is bullshit.
	This is like doing a late night show.
	It's different.
	Yeah.
	But the one thing we haven't figured out is movies.
Trans Stars in Movies 00:03:17
	There are a lot of money.
	Yep.
	There's a lot of moving parts.
	Got to work with a lot of different people.
	Right.
	These things are hard for comics, but the person who figures it out is going to change the game.
	I think Burr has a movie coming out that's going to be something like that.
	Okay.
	I think.
	He might.
	Yeah.
	I think somebody's going to do it.
	I think he's already kind of done it.
	He's been in a million, but I'm also talking about like those guys are like, they're legendary.
	He got like, they should have movies anyway.
	Right.
	I'm talking about like from the ground up, and this might be from the ground up with him.
	I don't know.
	Yeah.
	But I mean, like, from the ground up, the person who goes, I've also made this thing and here it is and you can buy it.
	That's going to be huge.
	Yeah.
	When it happens.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	It's not going to be me.
	Don't say that.
	Why?
	What are you talking about?
	I have a tiny house in New Hampshire.
	Og alle store sjokoladeplater fra Freya og Nidar.
	Før 49,90.
	Nå 20,90.
	Alt til påske får du billig hos Kiwi.
	God påske!
	Nå får du et stort utvalg påskefavoritter til ekstra lave priser hos oss i Kiwi.
	Vi i Kiwi har alt til påske og hverdagsmiddagen.
	Har du tenkt å grille?
	Hva med grillribbe fra Gilde?
	Til 149 per kilo.
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	Til 129 per kilo.
	Og grillvulst fra Folkets?
	Til 39,90 per pakke.
	Og husk at du alltid finner sunnere alternativ billigere hos oss i Kiwi.
	God påske!
	Nå får du et stort utvalg påskefavoritter til ekstra lave priser hos oss i Kiwi.
	Som for eksempel tursjokoladen 6-pack Quick Lunch til 39.
	Eller hva med den for friskende påskefavoritten 4x5 liter Solo Super til 47 pluss Pant.
	Og alle store sjokoladeplater fra Freya og Nidar før 49,90.
	Nå 20,90.
	Alt til påske får du billig hos Kiwi.
	God påske!
	I-I don't know.
	I don't know.
	You got to have the right idea.
	Well, you got to have money, dude.
	You got money and the right idea.
	I have time.
	I have the time.
	I have a show that I'm filming in the summer.
	Comedy Camp.
	I ever tell you about that?
	No.
	It's happening.
	Okay.
	It's a show that I'm raising.
Comedy Camp Primitive Camping 00:11:31
	I'm raising where you take comedians camping.
	I take comedians.
	You ever see the show Alone?
	No.
	All right.
	There's a show called Alone, and they take 10 people up into the woods and they drop them off three miles, five miles, seven miles apart from each other.
	And whoever lasts the longest wins.
	Oh.
	This show is: I'm taking five comedians up into the woods and for five days.
	But there's no, it's literally hiking up into the mountains, making a camp, and living for five days with five comedians.
	That's gonna be tough.
	It's gonna be tough.
	And this is based on the thing you do with Ari and Joe List.
	It's based on it's kind of Bushcraft Party Boys.
	And what do you guys do again?
	You go into like the Wee Woods.
	I love that you talk about it.
	Like, yes, you go up into the woods.
	I've never been invited.
	I'm an alien.
	Dude, I would take you out.
	We'll do it this summer.
	Yeah.
	But yeah, we're filming it.
	Russell Peters is in.
	Long island.
	You can't do the woods in Long Island.
	There's no hills.
	There's no hills.
	It's a fucking flat place.
	There's enough hills.
	There's no mountains.
	There's cliffs.
	You can't bushcraft in a cliff, Tim.
	Okay.
	You can't.
	So Russell Peters is doing this.
	Russell Peters, Bill Burr, Jim Norton.
	Okay, got a group.
	We got Beth Stellings.
	Hopefully, she's doing it.
	And we're literally...
	You just got Whitney in there.
	Whitney will kill all you.
	Whitney would be great.
	I mean, she'd be fantastic.
	But I mean, no cell phones, no internet, no managers, no nothing.
	No shoot the show.
	Everybody, it's like the show alone.
	Everybody has the cameras on them, and we have one A-camera person that's shooting.
	People are going to die.
	Bobby, Bobby, people are going to die.
	What are you talking about?
	What do you mean?
	What am I talking about?
	People are going to die.
	Nobody's going to die.
	You're going to have blood on your hands.
	We're not going to have.
	You're going to have blood all over your hands.
	That's him.
	It's going to be dripping off your hands.
	What are you talking about?
	People are going to die.
	How are they going to die?
	You're not able to survive in these conditions.
	Listen, it's not going to be, we're going to have supplies.
	Okay, so now we get to the reality.
	Hang on.
	Let's get to the reality.
	Listen, we're going to have supplies.
	Not like they're going to have to hunt for their food.
	Okay, see, they show up and they have a tent and food.
	They have to, well, first of all, they have to set up their camp.
	They have to set up.
	It's called primitive camping.
	So there's no campsite.
	What about glamping where it's numerous?
	No.
	No, no, no.
	It's primitive camping.
	So we're hiking up into a certain place.
	We have a guide that's going to take us.
	Will you have a Coleman tent?
	You'll have a tarp.
	Okay.
	You'll have a tarp and disperse camping.
	There's a term giving to camping in the United States on public land other than designated campsites.
	This type of camping is most common national forest.
	So this is the type of stuff.
	We're going to basically hike up four hours into the woods, find a spot, make camp, and you'll have to do certain tasks, start a fire, get firewood, have a solo night out by yourself.
	You're going to have to, like, Norton's going to have to go out into the woods.
	We're going to find a place, set up a camp, build a structure to protect himself, and sleep out by himself at night out in the woods.
	That's a good question.
	Yes, sir.
	Why?
	Because, because you have, I mean, have you ever been out in the woods?
	I have.
	Have you ever been out in the woods?
	The woods are evil.
	It's true.
	They're pagan.
	I'm a Christian.
	I believe in the oceans and the mansions and the Rolls-Royces because I'm a Christian.
	I'm a follower of Christ.
	The woods are pagan and satanic.
	I don't love the woods.
	The woods are beautiful and quiet, and it's one of the only places you can go where you can go back in time to where it was a much simpler place where you are not with your addictions.
	You're not with your compulsions.
	You're not with this excitement or huge highs or really lows.
	It's just good.
	I do enjoy it.
	I will say it is a nice campfire and some stuff is fun.
	There's nothing like being out with no phone.
	Could I bring like a Bush's baked bean, like the grilling beans?
	If you do the show, if you do it, I'll allow you baked beans for one night.
	So because you're saying that they're not going to have to hunt for their food.
	Well, we're going to look into that because if well, if we could set, you're going to have to, we could set snares for certain things.
	Or fish?
	Fishing is going to be a big thing.
	Russell Peters, by the way, has like 19 Bentleys.
	Does he know he'll be snaring the food?
	You don't know Russell Peters' background.
	Is it in India and does it involve water that's not clean?
	It involves tigers.
	Yeah, I get it.
	My father used to hunt tigers.
	That's nuts.
	And he went with him as a boy.
	And actually.
	Will you be camping where there are tigers?
	No, there's going to be no time.
	There's going to be no tiger, but it's going to be wildlife, man.
	That's gangster.
	That's him, man.
	That tiger, he shot as it was jumping up to kill him.
	Well, I'm against the murder of the animals.
	Well, over there, you know, I get it because they come into the village.
	That's what the environmentalists don't realize.
	They come into the village and snatch kids.
	And monkeys are thieves.
	Yes.
	Yeah.
	But yes, this is going to be, it's going to be to take a Norton, Jim Norton out and take him out of the penthouse, the cabs, the car, the cell phones, all this stuff.
	That all sounds great.
	And to put him up in the woods for five days.
	Five is a lot, Bobby.
	Well, there's one up.
	One up and one down.
	Okay, so it's three.
	It's well, probably four days then.
	I would say I would say six days is coming down.
	So you're going to have four days up in the woods.
	Okay.
	So we have to set up camp.
	You have to, you know.
	So in upstate New York?
	It's either going to be in upstate New York or it's going to be in Canada, in Toronto.
	Oh.
	So it's, it's going to be crazy, man.
	Because when the sun goes down, like I, I've gone up with people, like me and Ari and Joe have gone up.
	I've taken Paul Versey up in the woods, just me and him.
	You hike up a couple hours, you make a spot, and then you're having a good time.
	And then the sun goes down and the whole world changes.
	Now, explain that because that sounds very gay and very cool.
	Yeah, we just suck each other up because there's nobody around.
	When you say the sun goes down and the whole world changes, yeah, dude, we just get down.
	That sounds like the gayest thing I've ever heard.
	No, dude, it's now when you say the suit because it gets dark.
	When it gets dark out in the woods, you understand, like in the city, you can't see stars, right?
	Because the lights of the city.
	But when you go out in the woods, there's no lights of the city.
	So you can see galaxies fucking turning.
	You know what I mean?
	Yeah, I do know.
	It's a different thing.
	But you can't see in front of your face.
	And then your eyes adjust.
	And all of a sudden, you're in complete darkness.
	The only thing you have is the fire.
	And there's nobody around for two hours.
	And when you hear something, it's something.
	Right.
	It's not nothing.
	Right.
	It's something.
	Right.
	And you have to deal with that.
	You're describing the Bronx.
	It's very similar.
	Very similar.
	The sun goes down.
	You have the same fears.
	Yeah.
	But I listen, I get, I like the idea of because what you're basically saying is that you're trying, you're trying to get to a part of yourself that has been.
	The comics don't get to.
	The comics don't get to.
	We don't get to, man.
	We're going from.
	What about Rogan?
	He gets to it because that's his whole life.
	Rogan absolutely gets to it.
	They like to airdrop him into a volcano and he like hunts like three-legged lizards or something.
	Yeah, dude.
	Rogan gets it.
	You know, Callan has got, he gets it.
	You know, like there's certain guys that get it, but this, there's, you know, certain friends of mine, comics.
	But the thing that when you do this with regular people, right?
	They're talking about, they're just still those same people.
	When you bring comics on a hike, it's fucking hilarious.
	Right.
	When you're up by a campfire with comics, dude, the amount of funny shit that's, it's so funny.
	You know, it's like you're smashing people.
	You're talking about these things.
	You're going off and it's great.
	But all of a sudden, something is coming in the woods.
	And it's like, what the fuck is that?
	It's like you become real.
	It's like all of a sudden, it's no joke anymore.
	Because you're stripped down.
	Stripped down.
	You're out there in the woods.
	And your fears, your insecurities, your whatever.
	And you're in there and you're still a comic and you're still using that defense mechanism right to kind that's your armor.
	Yeah, but it's real.
	It's real.
	We don't ever get to be real out there.
	That that's very true.
	I'm always seeing the funny Tim Dylan version right when we hang out, we're always trying to make each other laugh.
	Yeah, if me and you were up in the woods, you're gonna see that too.
	And the sun goes, dude and the sun goes down.
	I get funnier.
	Dude if, dude.
	If me and you were in the woods.
	Yes, if you were on the show and and, and you know it's pitch dark out, it's 11 o'clock at night and you're not going home for a couple days and you're going to crawl into some tent, into a sleeping bag, on a sleeping pad.
	You're going to be a different guy the next day.
	That's true.
	You're not going to be the second day and the third day you're going to be different, because you're not going to have a shrimp scampy or a fucking quesadilla.
	You know it's.
	You're going.
	You're not going to have the microphones.
	What do you see happen to people?
	You've done this before.
	What happens on that second or third day when there is no shrimp, scampy or quesadilla, what happens to these guys what?
	What do they become you?
	You become like you.
	You get, you become um, a truer version of yourself.
	No, you be you.
	You, you actually get to be yourself interesting.
	You actually become yourself interesting because you, you're actually looking at things and appreciating them and when you get back to your house and the the, the ac's on and your pillows are on the bed and you open a fridge and you appreciate it a lot more.
Becoming a Truer Version 00:15:46
	It's a dude I, I do.
	I will say that i've done not kind of what you're describing, but i've done similar things where I have then gone home and you appreciate home.
	Yeah dude, i've been to Guatemala a couple times yeah, with my friend and we just went and it's rough and crazy and scary and petrifying and and when you get home after that trip, you're just like wow, i'm so glad to be live in America, i'm so glad I can drink the shower water.
	Yeah, you know um, it's like I love my life.
	It it makes you appreciate what you got.
	Have you ever thought of doing it when you take comics to the Bronx and you put them and the night falls and they have to set up a can.
	It's the same show, but it's just easier to shoot because it's in them.
	It's too dangerous, that's too dangerous, it's it's.
	I understand what you mean and I feel like what, but I I do love the beach and the ocean and that, to me, is very to walk on the beach.
	Obby dude, what are you gonna do on the beach?
	What's gonna what?
	I'm telling you?
	What's gonna attack you?
	A middle-aged gay guy trying to suck you off?
	No, that's more dangerous to many people, you know, than a lion.
	First of all, tigers Are much easier to deal with than Jews.
	So, if you were on a beach, if you were on a beach in the ham, no, my point is your puma ads.
	My whole point is that, like, there nature isn't just the woods, it's not just the woods, the ocean's tough.
	I've been in riptides, I've almost died in riptides.
	Have you ever been in a riptide?
	You've been in a fucking river, you swim diagonal.
	Yeah, well, I didn't know that at the time, but the point is nobody knows that.
	Yeah, well, I didn't know it, but you're right.
	And you, they have lifeguards everywhere.
	I not where I am.
	I did.
	Listen, town of Southampton is a commonwealth.
	The ocean is a fuck is, I don't like it.
	It's not fun.
	It's more powerful than the woods.
	You know it is.
	You know, the ocean is more powerful than the woods.
	The feminine is more powerful than the masculine.
	And you know it.
	The ocean's big pussy.
	Okay, fine.
	I will give you that.
	The ocean is more powerful than the woods, but the woods.
	I want it.
	The woods are better.
	No.
	The woods are better.
	No.
	100%.
	No.
	Dude, the ocean is the same shit every day.
	Because it's dope.
	Dude, the fun, we have seasons in the forest.
	I do.
	So I do like the idea of that.
	Are you thinking about is this a fall thing?
	It's going to be in the spring because we got to go after mud season.
	Because when the winter, after the winter, the mountains, the snow melts, and the woods become very muddy.
	And then there's fly season, it's bug season when the bugs all hatch.
	That's the summer.
	And you don't, well, that's the beginning of the summer.
	There's a certain time when the black flies is that you don't want to be in the woods at that time.
	It's a nightmare during the day.
	So we gotta, we want to go either in the spring or the late summer, you know, now September is a good time to go because there's no bugs.
	It's cold at night.
	And, you know, we want it to, we don't want it to be too hot.
	We don't want it to be too fucked up because I don't want to break these guys.
	I don't want them to.
	Well, that's what I thought you were going to do.
	Well, let me tell you something, dude.
	You know, the winner of it, you know, you win by, you know, doing certain tasks well, you know, so you get certain, you get what would, what would a task be?
	Like sucking someone off?
	Can that be a task?
	Well, it's going to be interesting.
	No, that's you're going to get Girl Scout patches.
	Okay.
	Like a sash.
	You're going to have a sash.
	Yeah.
	And whoever completes the most tasks, you know, they, they, we're going to give money to charity.
	I'm, I'm paying for all this.
	This is fucking awesome.
	Yeah.
	The money's going to charity.
	So that as people work.
	What kind of charity take the homeless people to the woods?
	No, whatever they, whatever they want.
	Like it will be the person's charity.
	Oh, nice.
	So they'll pick the charity.
	But yeah, like starting a fire.
	Jim Norton starting a fire is hilarious.
	Is going to be hilarious.
	Yeah, it's going to be because we're going to teach him how to do it.
	And then he's going to have to do it at some point.
	He's not going to be able to do it.
	And he's not.
	But if he does it, it'll be amazing.
	If Jim Norton comes back.
	It's really good.
	Who's a comic where you go, this person's going to ace it all?
	Well, Rogan, of course.
	Right.
	Rogan would be great.
	Maybe not.
	Well, like when I went out with Ari and Joe, you know, they didn't know how to hang a bearbag.
	Right.
	You know, you know, when you take a shit, you have to, you have to go 150 feet away from the camp or water and you have to dig a hole and you have to shit outside and then cover 150 feet.
	Because you can't, it's, um, it's just the rules.
	Like you don't, you, where we make a camp, uh, like primitive campsites that we find, you can't shit near the campsite or water.
	It's just a certain amount because you, because if that gets into the water, well, you don't want shit near the campsite.
	You know what I mean?
	Okay.
	It's just, that's the.
	Well, that I get.
	That I understand.
	Yeah.
	Shitting outside is one of the greatest shits you'll ever take.
	Right.
	Once you get over the fact that you're shitting outside.
	You know, you lean up against a tree, you dig a hole in the ground, you shit in the hole.
	You will shit rope.
	It's amazing.
	It's the way we shit for hundreds of years, thousands of years.
	When did we stop doing that?
	Like 200 years ago?
	It's not that far.
	You know, people shit in an outhouses 100 years ago.
	Right.
	Up in the woods, you know, up in New Hampshire.
	A lot of these.
	A bear bag, you have to take all your food and hang it in a tree because you'll attract animals.
	Like a bear.
	A bear.
	You don't want a bear coming into camp and you have a fucking granola bar.
	Like if you did it, we'd have to pat you down at night before you went in your tent.
	Have you ever seen a bear?
	Yes.
	Where?
	In New Hampshire.
	What's it like?
	It's incredible, man.
	They're fucking, I mean, they're just as they look adorable and cute, but they'll murder you.
	So what do you do if you're in the woods?
	Yeah.
	Yeah, look at that, man.
	Look at that.
	That's like, I mean.
	If you're in the woods.
	Yes, I'm in the woods.
	Now, you're all in the tents.
	Yeah.
	A bear comes into camp.
	Yeah.
	What is the protocol?
	Well, we're going to have bear spray.
	Did you spray the trees and stuff?
	No, you spray the face.
	It's mace for bears.
	Okay.
	But people don't know that it's actually less potent than regular mace.
	Interesting.
	Human mace is worse than bear spray.
	Okay.
	But it's terrible.
	It really hurts.
	Yeah, we'll have we'll have that.
	The guide is going to take us up and then leave, and I will be the person, which is a little scary, I guess.
	Terrifying.
	Why?
	Well, because, you know, I, you know, you want a guide.
	Well, I'm your guide.
	Well, okay.
	I mean, you know, but if a bear comes, well, you know, I mean, look, it is, there is danger to it, but that's the thing, Tim.
	I'm not saying, I'm not saying let's avoid the danger.
	I'm saying the bear comes in.
	What do we do?
	You spray it in the face?
	Well, yeah, you go bear, you know, it depends what, I mean, it's going to be, I hope it's, if it's in Toronto, I believe it's, it's black bears.
	I don't think there's any brown bears.
	Brown bears are very brown bears are a problem.
	Right.
	They're a problem.
	You don't want that.
	So we're going to do it where there's, you know.
	What if there's a brown bear?
	A brown bear, it's a problem.
	You don't want that.
	What if a brown bear eats best selling?
	Is it still a fun show?
	I mean, it's a popular show.
	It's a very popular show.
	But a brown will be black bears.
	Black bears can be dangerous too, but you know, they don't really want nothing to do with you.
	Right.
	You know, you know, they kind of, you know, when you're there, you know, brown, a black bear, you can kind of scare away, hopefully, you know, they're dangerous.
	What other dangerous things are in the woods?
	There's rattlesnakes.
	Yeah.
	Timber rattlesnakes.
	There's, you know, mountain lions.
	There's fisher cats.
	There's a lot of shit, man.
	I mean, are you going to have any anti-venom with you?
	No.
	Well, I mean, you probably should, right?
	I mean, I mean, anti-venom is probably a smart thing to have if somebody gets bit by a snake.
	We're going to do what we're supposed to do.
	Yeah, but you can still get bit by a snake.
	You can.
	You can.
	So then you just die.
	No, you don't die.
	If you get bit by a rattlesnake, you don't die.
	Well, I mean, you could.
	Right.
	I'm not saying you can't.
	You don't want to get bit by a rattlesnake, but it's not like we're going to be, it's not like we're going to make camp and we're going to do things at camp and then we're going to go out together.
	So we're going to be careful.
	I mean, that's one of the things.
	I mean, you're going to have to like, when me and Ari and Joe went up, there's timber rattlesnakes up in the, up, up in, up in the mountains where we went.
	And that was, there's hundreds of them.
	So when we were hiking, we had to be very careful of where we were stepping.
	And you would hear them?
	You hear them sometimes.
	Sometimes it's this.
	So if there's three people, it's sometimes the second person is the person who gets bit.
	Wow.
	You know, so we had to be careful.
	They're up.
	There's a hundred of them, thousands of them up where we went.
	up in the Catskills, which you don't think, but up in the Catskills, there's thousands of rattlesnakes and they're big.
	And you got to be careful.
	There's bears.
	We had a pack of coyotes come in in the middle of the night.
	1.30 in the morning, a pack of coyotes came in.
	Well, they're little.
	They're in L.A.
	They walk around the streets.
	They're like little dogs.
	They'll kill you.
	No.
	A pack?
	A pack will.
	What did you do when they came in?
	We did nothing.
	We were just frightened in our tents.
	It was the most terrifying thing in the world.
	Are you texting each other?
	No, there's no phone.
	Do you say anything from one tent?
	Yeah, Joe List, after they started to stop screaming, Joe List went, what do we do about that?
	That's funny.
	And I said, I don't know.
	Yeah, see, this is going to be, listen, this is going to be very interesting.
	And I think it's going to, it's going to, someone will die, but that's okay.
	No, no one's going to die.
	Oh, someone will die.
	No one's going to die.
	Why is somebody going to die?
	Because it seems like a lot of things that could kill someone.
	Yeah, there's a lot of things that can kill somebody, but I mean, people literally.
	I don't think you should.
	I think you should lean into someone dying.
	You want the show to be a show.
	It should be where one person gets sacrificed.
	Somebody should die.
	Who do you think would die out of that mix?
	Who's the mix again?
	Bill.
	Not Russell Russell.
	Batho Norton or me.
	It'd be funnier if it was you only because then only because then it would be like it's someone else's show then.
	And then that person might.
	Would you take it over if I die?
	No.
	Well, it would depend.
	I would feel, you know, I don't know.
	You could do it on the beach.
	You could do like a campfire on the beach at night.
	Here's my version of the show.
	Yeah.
	Here's my version.
	All right, let me hear it.
	Take five comedians.
	We all go to the shore.
	Yeah, sure.
	The ocean.
	Yeah.
	We swim out with the great whites.
	Yeah.
	Fucking dangerous.
	Yeah.
	Come back in.
	Yeah.
	We get fucking fish sandwiches.
	We get fucking Mr. Softy.
	Yeah, we let a Carvelle.
	We fucking relax.
	We get a, we get a...
	We do a bonfire on the beach.
	Do a bonfire on the beach.
	Yeah.
	Maybe play a little football.
	Yeah.
	Night football.
	Yeah, have a little fun.
	We don't need to, we don't need to go into the woods like nuts.
	Kind of capital riot show is this.
	Will you come with me this summer?
	I will do it.
	No, I actually, I got jealous when you went with Ari and Joe.
	I would love to go and experience this.
	Can you hike?
	Of course I can.
	All right, relax.
	I'm just asking.
	Hike.
	I'm just saying, when was the last time you went hiking?
	Well, I mean, in Los Angeles, there's hikes.
	I've gone hiking.
	Runyon Canyon isn't a fucking hike.
	Well, no, there's other hikes besides that.
	What?
	There's places I've hiked out here.
	Agora Hills and shit.
	Like a two-hour hike.
	I don't know if it's too hot.
	I mean, that seems a little nuts.
	Two hours, but it's enough.
	Yeah.
	I can hike.
	All right.
	So this summer, you'll be in New York.
	Me and you will go on an overnight.
	Yeah.
	And we'll go up.
	We'll fucking, well, I got a perfect place.
	We'll go.
	We'll hike up.
	We'll make camp.
	We'll have dinner.
	You know where we could go?
	We'll go to the Mohawk Mountain House.
	What's that?
	You'll be there.
	It's a big little wilderness lodge.
	No, we're not.
	Five-star chefs.
	They need the picnic baskets you can go out and eat.
	No, we're going to sleep.
	I got a hammock.
	You can sleep in my hammock.
	Okay.
	That sounds fun.
	I will do a night out in the woods.
	We'll hike.
	We'll light a fire.
	We'll get firewood.
	Okay, cool.
	There's a lake.
	We can jump in the lake.
	Because as Jeffrey Dahmer said, when the lights, when the sun goes down, it's a whole different world.
	Bobby, tell people where to buy your special.
	That's the funniest hour of comedy I've seen in a very long time.
	It's at lewisck.com and it's only 10 bucks.
	And go buy it.
	Even if you don't like me, go buy it.
	Go buy it.
	Support comedy.
	I don't even care if you watch it.
	Don't watch it.
	Don't watch it.
	Buy it and not watch it.
	No, it is one of the best hours.
	I've said that before on this show that I've seen.
	It's amazing.
	Thanks, buddy.
	Go buy it.
	I'm going to buy it.
	I haven't yet, but I'm going to buy it.
	You're going to buy it?
	I'm going to buy it.
	You know what?
	I buy other comic specials.
	And I don't know why we all don't buy each other.
	I haven't done that yet, but I will do it.
	I want to see the receipt.
	I will absolutely send it to you.
	I want you to tweet it.
	Well, I'm going to show it to you in the woods.
	I don't have a phone.
	Dude, I want to do that with you.
	We're going to do it.
	All right.
	Great.
	Fine.
	Bobby Kelly.
	The special is called killboxlouisk.net.
	LouisCK.com.com.
	Or killbox.com.
	I'm hungry as shit.
	I'm hungry too.
	Can we eat?
	Do we can do something?
	We'll do something.
	I mean, I'm going to eat a little bit, but I'm hungry.
	That's fine.
	Okay.
	Killbox.com, Louis CK.com, the one, the only Robert Kelly, one of the first people to put me on a podcast.
	We were talking about that on Birth Show today.
	Yeah.
	Because I told him, I love putting new guys on.
	And I remember when I saw you.
	Yeah.
	And it's the same thing when I saw Dan Soda.
	Yeah.
	I had Dan Soto the first time.
	I was like, this guy is the shit.
	And when I saw you, I was like, this guy, you just got it.
	Well, I appreciate it.
	You were one of the first people to throw me on something.
	You are.
	You're the greatest.
	Right out of the gate, I remember we did that.
	Remember, Opie and Anthony took a day off.
	Opie took a day off and I replaced him and I had you in and you dressed, I painted your face like a clown.
	And then I looked like John Wayne Gacy.
	And then Colin Hay came on and sang down under.
	It was like amazing.
	Remember I offended him because I said a joke about his dead friends.
	Yes.
	And he got mad.
	It was weird, but then he had to play the song.
	We had to pretend everything was okay.
	It was fun but bad.
	That was great.
	It was fun but bad.
	That's my life.
	Fun but bad.
	Bobby Kelly, thank you so much.
	Thanks for having me on, man.
	I appreciate it, brother.
	Of course.
	Thank you.

Chapters

00:00:25 The Highway of Death
00:11:58 Squam Lake Sadness
00:14:38 Choosing Sociopath Mode
00:30:00 Worst Appetizer Stories
00:41:27 Making Specials Difficult
00:53:47 Why Netflix Avoids Smoke
00:57:26 Trans Stars in Movies
01:00:44 Comedy Camp Primitive Camping
01:12:16 Becoming a Truer Version