The Tim Dillon Show - 304 - What America Means To Me
Aired: 2022-06-26
Duration: 01:01:49


=== Fourth of July Fireworks (14:18) ===

[00:00:00]  Ladies and gentlemen, happy 4th of July.
[00:00:03]  Welcome to the Tim Dylan show.
[00:00:05]  It is summer.
[00:00:06]  I am here in my final form, sitting next to the luckiest person in show business, Benjamin Avery.
[00:00:15]  My best 4th of July memory was when an uncle of mine, we had a great 4th of July party at my uncle's house every single year, and one of his brothers was offended because I think somebody called his wife a name.
[00:00:28]  I think they said she's a Jew.
[00:00:30]  Now, this is what happened.
[00:00:32]  It's an Irish family of drunks.
[00:00:34]  And he tried, he was going to drive home drunk, but what they did was they like took the air out of his tires.
[00:00:40]  They went out.
[00:00:41]  They did a whole thing.
[00:00:43]  And they were like hitting his car, his tire.
[00:00:46]  Like it was crazy.
[00:00:47]  And me and a friend just kind of watched this from behind a bush.
[00:00:52]  And we watched my family take the air out of this guy's tire.
[00:00:56]  So he literally could not drive home because there was a big fight about his wife.
[00:01:02]  They're since divorced.
[00:01:05]  Fun 4th of July memory because it's Independence Day.
[00:01:08]  It's freedom.
[00:01:10]  It's important that people go out there.
[00:01:12]  They put some meat on the grill and they just, you know, again, take stock of where they are and what they have.
[00:01:21]  And it's the summer is in full swing and people are happy out there.
[00:01:25]  And, you know, I mean, it's, it's, we're back.
[00:01:27]  We're back, baby.
[00:01:28]  America's back and nothing's going to keep us down.
[00:01:32]  Not the crime or the gas prices, the unemployment, the lack of money, the family structure that's rapidly dissolving, you know, the rise of militias.
[00:01:42]  Nothing will keep us down.
[00:01:45]  I mean, we're back in business in a serious way.
[00:01:48]  Isn't that the way you feel?
[00:01:50]  Oh, yeah, we're back.
[00:01:50]  It's going to be a great summer.
[00:01:52]  What's going on out there that's making it great?
[00:01:54]  Well, there's actually things that are not making it great.
[00:01:57]  Well, wait, what?
[00:01:58]  What?
[00:01:59]  I was just sort of agreeing with you, but actually, I don't really have any information to support that claim.
[00:02:05]  A lot of 4th of July is being canceled due to labor shortages.
[00:02:10]  Wait a minute.
[00:02:12]  Hold the phone.
[00:02:15]  How can you cancel the 4th of July?
[00:02:20]  What would that even look like?
[00:02:23]  Well, it would, so some cities like in Arizona are replacing it with, they're replacing it with, since there's supply chain issues, they can't get any fireworks in the whole state.
[00:02:34]  So what they're going to do is a pyrotechnic show instead as a replacement.
[00:02:41]  Okay.
[00:02:42]  So some cities are new, you know, they don't want to not do anything on the fourth.
[00:02:45]  They're still going to have a show with big flames shooting out of pipes, I guess.
[00:02:52]  Well, they can't get fireworks.
[00:02:55]  Yeah, it's supply chain issues.
[00:02:56]  They're unable to secure fireworks for a fireworks show.
[00:03:00]  So they're going to do, what are they going to do?
[00:03:02]  Like a drag show?
[00:03:05]  They should.
[00:03:06]  That'll make everyone nice and happy.
[00:03:09]  It'll piss everyone.
[00:03:10]  You know, I went to a drag brunch the other day at Pride Brunch.
[00:03:12]  You know, I've always been a fan of drag queens, mostly when they were like politically incorrect, very acerbic, nasty, funny.
[00:03:23]  But now it's a lot, you know, you're eating breakfast there and you have the drag queens like, yas bat, like in your face and you're just trying to eat French toast and it's just gotten very aggressive.
[00:03:37]  You know what I mean?
[00:03:38]  There's like a boot in your face and they're like, lick the boot.
[00:03:43]  You know, and you're like, okay.
[00:03:45]  You're like, this is enjoyable.
[00:03:48]  And I'm there with a guy that we just fucked.
[00:03:50]  It's not, I'm not like coming from a Christian coalition meeting.
[00:03:53]  I'm sitting there with another faggot and it's still a lot.
[00:03:58]  You know, the drag brunch where they're like, ah, it's like a whole thing.
[00:04:03]  And then, you know, it's some of it is camp and fun.
[00:04:07]  And some of it is, you know, I wish you had real talent.
[00:04:10]  Because some of the drag queens are like, wouldn't it be funny if I was a singer or a dancer?
[00:04:15]  Yeah, it would also be entertaining.
[00:04:16]  Do that.
[00:04:19]  Now, so now these places in, where are these?
[00:04:24]  They're not letting people go to the fourth of, they're not letting people go to the fourth of July.
[00:04:28]  Yeah, yeah.
[00:04:29]  Most of Arizona seems to be kind of hosed this year.
[00:04:31]  Arizona is a real dump.
[00:04:33]  I mean, it's a real, it's just a bunch of lot lizards living in the dirt and they deserve what they get.
[00:04:40]  Oh, yeah.
[00:04:41]  But it's shocking to me that that's a state that I feel like would spend 11 months out of the year securing fireworks.
[00:04:47]  Like, what the fuck else are they doing?
[00:04:49]  Playing golf?
[00:04:50]  By the way, I look like the mayor of the governor of Arizona right now.
[00:04:54]  Like this outfit, I look like the mayor, the governor, the poet laureate of Arizona.
[00:05:03]  But I'll tell you this right now.
[00:05:06]  Are there any fun substitutions for the fireworks?
[00:05:10]  I mean, what are they going to do?
[00:05:12]  So like I'm reading here, in lieu of fireworks, and this is Tempe.
[00:05:15]  Tempe.
[00:05:16]  In lieu of fireworks, the city will host Red, White, and Flume.
[00:05:19]  Red, White, and Flume.
[00:05:21]  F-L-O-O-A.
[00:05:22]  What's that?
[00:05:23]  It's a fire show scheduled to begin at 8.30.
[00:05:25]  There will be 12 floating flower-shaped flumes on Tempe Town Link, and they shoot flames up to 30 feet in the air.
[00:05:33]  And it's a five-minute pyrotechnic show.
[00:05:35]  People are not going to like this.
[00:05:37]  This is going to bomb.
[00:05:40]  Flower-shaped flumes shooting flames.
[00:05:44]  They are not going to like this.
[00:05:45]  They want their fireworks.
[00:05:46]  Why don't they just show up with a bunch of AR-15s and shoot at the sky?
[00:05:52]  So at least they have something that's audible, they can hear.
[00:05:57]  They are not going to like this flume.
[00:06:00]  Oh, man.
[00:06:01]  They are not going to like this flume.
[00:06:03]  These people in Tempe, Arizona want one thing.
[00:06:07]  Loud, gun-like fireworks to enjoy for the 4th of July.
[00:06:13]  They want loud, bang.
[00:06:16]  You know, I don't love fireworks.
[00:06:18]  I've said before, they're kind of pedestrian, but, you know, for the 4th of July, you do it.
[00:06:23]  You do it once a year and you enjoy it and you move on.
[00:06:27]  But the idea that they're going to replace it with this flume is not going to...
[00:06:33]  Are there any other cities?
[00:06:35]  The city of Chandler.
[00:06:38]  Again, in Arizona?
[00:06:39]  Yeah, yeah.
[00:06:40]  The hell's going on?
[00:06:41]  I don't know.
[00:06:42]  What is Chandler doing?
[00:06:43]  They don't have any fucking money.
[00:06:45]  What the hell is the fireworks show being replaced with in Chandler, Arizona?
[00:06:49]  Well, so there's a pyro planning specialist named Kendon Victor.
[00:06:53]  Oh, God.
[00:06:54]  And he said it's an industry-wide nationwide issue, actually.
[00:06:58]  Oh.
[00:06:58]  And so he's in charge of all the pyrotechnics.
[00:07:01]  What's his name?
[00:07:04]  Kendon Victor.
[00:07:05]  Kendon Victor.
[00:07:09]  He's a pyrotechnics expert.
[00:07:12]  Yes.
[00:07:12]  Okay.
[00:07:13]  So he's going to be overseeing the replacement shows here.
[00:07:17]  But he's saying we're using the wrong terms here.
[00:07:19]  It's not a fireworks shortage.
[00:07:21]  It's just an issue with supply chain.
[00:07:23]  So I know that whatever.
[00:07:25]  From China is what he said.
[00:07:26]  Yeah, okay.
[00:07:27]  I know, but what's the difference?
[00:07:29]  Yeah, that's just what he's just trying to correct people on that.
[00:07:32]  But all of Arizona is kind of hosed here with it.
[00:07:36]  But I think Kendon Victor is feeling good with the Tucson news here that he's going to kind of come through and power through.
[00:07:44]  He said, we continue to receive phone calls from other states, other cities requesting to see if we could provide for their 4th of July, but we provide exclusively for the state of Arizona.
[00:07:52]  So he's going to try to figure it out for the state.
[00:07:55]  Well, I hope because this is such a big national celebration that I hope that it is not dampened by the no fireworks.
[00:08:03]  I hope people can still get hurt.
[00:08:05]  I hope people can still go out and get really intoxicated and look at bright colors in the sky.
[00:08:10]  And it hopefully will alleviate some of the pain because we've had some pain.
[00:08:15]  I forgot to include that also the pyrotechnic show, it's choreographed to patriotic and pop music.
[00:08:20]  It says on the city's event listing reads.
[00:08:22]  I hope it's so gay that everyone is so uncomfortable with it.
[00:08:27]  I hope it's so over the top, like Lady Gaga Gay.
[00:08:31]  I hope that like it's just all gay colors and it's so uncomfortable for the residents of Tampee that there's like a riot.
[00:08:41]  I hope they start taking their guns out.
[00:08:44]  I believe, by the way, no matter what happens, they're going to start shooting the flames with the guns because they're going to be so upset by this because all they want is a old school firework show like they grew up with, you know?
[00:09:00]  And it's going to be replaced by some like cirque de Soleil freak show.
[00:09:06]  And the people that live by like these man-made lakes in Arizona, these tarantulas that come out for this event are going to be so disappointed by this pyrotechnics show.
[00:09:24]  And I'm sad about it.
[00:09:27]  I'm truly sad about it.
[00:09:29]  Fourth of July is an interesting holiday because it's something that you spend around your family a lot of times.
[00:09:36]  Not always, but it's a family event where you go and you spend it with people in your family or community.
[00:09:45]  Like Long Island, they do a thing.
[00:09:47]  The Grucci brothers in New York City, Long Island, do a fireworks spectacular.
[00:09:53]  Like it's a big deal.
[00:09:54]  You have the burgers, the hot dogs.
[00:09:57]  You have your flag cake, your American flag cake, and you just feel good.
[00:10:02]  You feel proud of our country for one night.
[00:10:05]  And it's good.
[00:10:06]  You celebrate, you know, just being an American.
[00:10:10]  Whatever that means, the backyard pool, the fucking booze, the food, the fucking cable news loudly chirping in the background, the air conditioning, the consumption of energy, the big SUVs, dad getting home, mom working hard in the kitchen, dad on the grill, mom icing a cake, your brother doing fentanyl,
[00:10:38]  whatever it means to be an American, 4th of July is it.
[00:10:43]  It is the most American thing I can think of.
[00:10:46]  Can you think of any more American holiday than the 4th of July with the barbecue outside, the pool, the fireworks?
[00:10:54]  No, because it's our independence.
[00:10:56]  Yeah.
[00:10:57]  But stylistically, it just is the most American thing you can do.
[00:11:02]  It's the most American thing you can do.
[00:11:05]  And I'm trying to remember if I've ever had like epic Fourth of July.
[00:11:08]  They've always been fine.
[00:11:11]  You know?
[00:11:11]  Yeah, fine.
[00:11:12]  They've always been fine.
[00:11:14]  They've never been great, but they've always been something to do.
[00:11:18]  Where you'd go out and you go, we have something to do tonight.
[00:11:24]  And you would stand there and it would happen.
[00:11:28]  And it was never great.
[00:11:30]  They were never great.
[00:11:32]  Whatever feelings you're supposed to feel, I don't know.
[00:11:36]  I don't remember.
[00:11:37]  Maybe when I was younger or even in my high school or early college, I don't remember what I did for the Fourth of July.
[00:11:46]  Do you remember any 4th of July that stood out in your memory?
[00:11:50]  One, I remember being on a boat somewhere on a lake in Texas.
[00:11:53]  Oh, oh, okay.
[00:11:54]  Because everybody goes out on the boat at night, and then people shoot off fireworks from their boats into the sky.
[00:12:00]  Right.
[00:12:01]  And I think I saw fireworks at Disney once.
[00:12:03]  That was way cooler.
[00:12:04]  You were at Disney?
[00:12:05]  Not on the 4th, not on the 4th.
[00:12:06]  They do the fireworks thing every night.
[00:12:08]  When did you go to Disney?
[00:12:10]  I was 12.
[00:12:12]  Disney World?
[00:12:13]  Yeah, Disney, the one in Outside Wonder Bay.
[00:12:15]  They had the money to take you there?
[00:12:16]  In Orlando, well, we drove across.
[00:12:18]  We couldn't fly.
[00:12:19]  Right.
[00:12:19]  We drove across.
[00:12:20]  Did you stay at a hotel on the property?
[00:12:23]  No, no, we stayed with my uncle.
[00:12:25]  Right.
[00:12:26]  Now, I just want to get to the bottom of that.
[00:12:32]  We'll get to the bottom of that.
[00:12:33]  Going to Disney World.
[00:12:34]  What?
[00:12:36]  What else is going on that might be...
[00:12:38]  I want to find things that make people happy, goddammit.
[00:12:40]  It's the 4th of July.
[00:12:42]  It's actually July.
[00:12:42]  Well, there might be a local beer shortage in Pennsylvania, too.
[00:12:46]  Everybody's striking.
[00:12:47]  It's just shortages.
[00:12:49]  Yeah.
[00:12:50]  I'm trying to think of some good news.
[00:12:51]  I want something that people can glom onto here and go, thank God something good's happening.
[00:12:57]  It's the 4th of July.
[00:12:59]  There's got to be one positive news story.
[00:13:03]  Did a cripple walk again or something?
[00:13:06]  I got a thing on a kid.
[00:13:08]  Yeah.
[00:13:08]  He has a lemonade stand in Detroit.
[00:13:10]  No, yes.
[00:13:11]  This is what we need.
[00:13:12]  What's going on with it?
[00:13:14]  Did he get shot?
[00:13:18]  I hope he didn't get shot.
[00:13:19]  I'll throw you right out of here.
[00:13:20]  It's a sweet news story.
[00:13:22]  There's a boy who in Detroit.
[00:13:24]  Great city.
[00:13:25]  Who has a lemonade stand?
[00:13:27]  Yes.
[00:13:28]  And the lemonade, he sells it.
[00:13:30]  And all these bikers come and all these people come.
[00:13:32]  What do you mean, bikers?
[00:13:33]  Like bikers come by.
[00:13:34]  You know how bikers are.
[00:13:35]  Oh, people on bicycles.
[00:13:36]  Well, you know how those guys defend kids and stuff and they like kill pedophiles and stuff like that.
[00:13:40]  I don't know that.
[00:13:41]  Well, no one knows what you're talking about.
[00:13:43]  Well, bikers, notoriously, they love kids and they always defend kids.
[00:13:47]  Isn't that a little weird in and of itself?
[00:13:52]  It is odd.
[00:13:53]  It's a little sus that you're going to the lemonade stand.
[00:13:55]  Whatever.
[00:13:56]  I'm glad they're defending kids.
[00:13:58]  But my point is this.
[00:14:00]  We didn't have to veer off into this weird territory with the story.
[00:14:04]  There's a child selling lemonade in Detroit.
[00:14:07]  Yes.
[00:14:08]  And what is happening?
[00:14:09]  He is raising money to donate to the local animal shelter because right now there's a lot of dogs in need of homes and with the heat.

=== Kyle Rittenhouse Biker Myth (16:03) ===

[00:14:18]  Now, let's just cut the end of the story.
[00:14:21]  How about this?
[00:14:22]  He's got a lemonade stand and it's nice.
[00:14:27]  Not he's raising money for local pit bulls who've been made to fight each other that are now bleeding out in a shelter.
[00:14:37]  Is there a way that we can turn it around so that we could just focus on a lovely little capitalist child making lemonade in the hopes that one day he will dethrone Dole and he can have the CIA go down to Latin America and prop up government so that his company can function appropriately.
[00:14:59]  I mean, we could just tell it without that.
[00:15:01]  We don't need to.
[00:15:03]  Is there anything else positive happening?
[00:15:05]  Something good.
[00:15:06]  Or even if we have to put a positive spin on something negative.
[00:15:10]  Oh, there's some workers at the Mars Wrigley plant in Pennsylvania.
[00:15:14]  They fell into a vat of chocolate.
[00:15:16]  And this is fun because many of them are exhausted from the hours and hours of work that they do for low pay.
[00:15:23]  And they're unable to take breaks and eat.
[00:15:26]  And so they become slightly, they get a head rush, right?
[00:15:31]  They're a little light on their feet, right?
[00:15:33]  What do you call that?
[00:15:34]  Why my blankets?
[00:15:35]  When your vision, you lose your vision.
[00:15:36]  Light-headed.
[00:15:37]  They're light-headed.
[00:15:38]  They're lightheaded.
[00:15:38]  They have low blood sugar.
[00:15:40]  They're lightheaded.
[00:15:41]  Ironically, this is a fun one.
[00:15:44]  One of them falls into a pot of chocolate, but it's not like Willy Wonka, where that's fun.
[00:15:51]  He actually had to go to the hospital, right?
[00:15:53]  Yeah.
[00:15:54]  They're in the hospital.
[00:15:54]  They had to be rescued.
[00:15:55]  They had to cut a hole.
[00:15:56]  Bobby, can you pull up the article just so I'm not sure?
[00:15:58]  Pull it up.
[00:15:59]  Bobby.
[00:16:00]  There it is.
[00:16:01]  Bobby.
[00:16:03]  Here, they fell in together, these guys.
[00:16:05]  What were they doing?
[00:16:06]  Sucking each other off?
[00:16:13]  So these two worthless pieces of shit are making Mars bars.
[00:16:18]  Where?
[00:16:19]  Outside Hershey, 15 miles outside Hershey.
[00:16:22]  American chocolate tastes like fucking soap.
[00:16:26]  Now, so there, it's horrible.
[00:16:28]  American chocolate is disgusting.
[00:16:30]  Everyone knows it.
[00:16:32]  What candy were they working on?
[00:16:35]  So it's the Mars Wrigley plant.
[00:16:37]  So I guess it's just the general chocolate they use for all their chocolates, right?
[00:16:41]  And what happened to these two idiots where they fell in a vat of chocolate?
[00:16:46]  How embarrassing.
[00:16:47]  So, of course, the company's not releasing it.
[00:16:49]  Right.
[00:16:50]  Two people that work for an outside contracting firm said it's not clear they fell in the tank, but emergency responders were able to free the pair by cutting a hole in the bottom of the tank and getting them out.
[00:17:01]  That's how these people were rescued.
[00:17:02]  It wasn't clear if they're injured or not.
[00:17:04]  They're not telling us that, but they were taken to the hospital to be.
[00:17:07]  And by the way, if you think that chocolate that those two dirtbags swam around in is not finding its way to your shelves, you are wrong.
[00:17:14]  You are mistaken.
[00:17:17]  Because that chocolate is going right out and it's hitting the production line.
[00:17:21]  Those two fucking slobs, I mean, how embarrassing is that?
[00:17:27]  They fell into the vat of chocolate like the Joker, and they got to cut a hole in a vat of chocolate.
[00:17:36]  So that's the good news.
[00:17:37]  That's the good news.
[00:17:38]  These are the good stories.
[00:17:39]  Two overworked, lightheaded workers fell into a vat of chocolate before they had to be removed via a hole that was cut into the vat of chocolate.
[00:17:50]  And now, and they went to the hospital.
[00:17:51]  Is there any update on their condition?
[00:17:53]  No, I tried to find out.
[00:17:55]  Is there nothing else positive going on?
[00:17:58]  Oh, Kyle Rittenhouse released a new video game.
[00:18:02]  Okay.
[00:18:04]  We're getting warmer, America.
[00:18:08]  Oh, say, can you see?
[00:18:13]  Now, Kyle Rittenhouse, if you don't know, is the young man who went to Kenosha, Wisconsin to guard the things that are there.
[00:18:26]  And he got in.
[00:18:27]  Well, that's his claim, right?
[00:18:29]  He was guarding the things, whatever needs guarding.
[00:18:33]  And he got into it.
[00:18:35]  He shot a couple of people.
[00:18:37]  The media kind of sandbagged him.
[00:18:38]  It did seem to be self-defense, though it's not a great idea to show up with an AR-50, but people will get mad at me.
[00:18:45]  No, it ain't, I am.
[00:18:50]  But whatever.
[00:18:51]  I get it.
[00:18:52]  If I had a child, I'd be like, hey, don't go with the gun.
[00:18:55]  Because that's the job of police.
[00:18:56]  Now, were the police doing it?
[00:18:58]  No, that doesn't mean you do it.
[00:19:01]  It means you try to get them to do their fucking jobs.
[00:19:05]  Or you just get rid of them and say these fucking green-haired fucking cunts in Portland are right.
[00:19:09]  Anyway, Kyle Rittenhouse has released a video game now.
[00:19:13]  Is it a shooter game?
[00:19:15]  It is.
[00:19:17]  Yeah, it is.
[00:19:17]  Kyle Rittenhouse has now released a video game where you're shooting people.
[00:19:23]  You play as Kyle and you're not shooting people.
[00:19:25]  It's called Turkey Shoot, and you're shooting fake news turkeys.
[00:19:28]  There's a short trailer, Bobby, if you want to pull it up.
[00:19:30]  Bobby, get out the new Kyle Ritten.
[00:19:32]  We're trying to find...
[00:19:33]  Oh, my Jesus Christ.
[00:19:37]  These are the fake news turkeys, supposedly.
[00:19:40]  These are the fake news turkeys, and Kyle Rittenhouse is now shooting the fake news turkeys.
[00:19:48]  So it's kind of his promotion on Twitter.
[00:19:50]  Can we go back with the British?
[00:19:54]  Like, can we admit this has been a mistake?
[00:19:58]  Like, this has been sort of, you know, can we just kind of fold back in quietly?
[00:20:06]  Can we quietly go back in?
[00:20:07]  Oh, the game aids Kyle's legal defense against the fake news.
[00:20:11]  Interesting.
[00:20:12]  I didn't know this.
[00:20:12]  So, if you download the game, it's $9.99.
[00:20:15]  If you download the Kyle Rittenhouse's turkey shoot, on RittenhouseGame.com, let's not do ads for it.
[00:20:23]  The game will aid Kyle's legal defense against fake news.
[00:20:27]  It helps raise funds to sue the left-wing media.
[00:20:30]  Well, can he sue them?
[00:20:31]  How much money does it cost to sue?
[00:20:32]  Just sue them.
[00:20:34]  You're telling me a lawyer won't take that case pro bono?
[00:20:36]  Oh, you're probably right.
[00:20:37]  What are we talking about?
[00:20:38]  Right.
[00:20:38]  Slush fund.
[00:20:39]  Right.
[00:20:39]  Some type of slush fund.
[00:20:41]  I mean, a lawyer's not going to take that case pro bono.
[00:20:43]  What are you talking about?
[00:20:43]  Yeah, you're right.
[00:20:44]  Come on.
[00:20:44]  Stop.
[00:20:45]  Let's not be the Kyle Rittenhouse fake news turkey shoot video game.
[00:20:55]  Happy 4th of July.
[00:20:57]  What'd you get, the kids?
[00:20:59]  I got him the new Kyle Rittenhouse turkey shoot game.
[00:21:02]  Come on in, kids.
[00:21:03]  Shoot the fake news turkeys.
[00:21:06]  Thank you, Dad.
[00:21:08]  Don't shoot your classmates.
[00:21:10]  Shoot people you disagree with politically.
[00:21:14]  Is there anything positive?
[00:21:16]  I'm trying to find out.
[00:21:18]  Is there any?
[00:21:18]  Because it's the 4th of July.
[00:21:20]  We're trying to figure out fun, upbeat stories that we as Americans can all come together and go, Jesus Christ, do we feel good?
[00:21:30]  People are really happy about this.
[00:21:32]  What are they happy about?
[00:21:32]  There's now casting open for a real life squid games.
[00:21:36]  Yes.
[00:21:37]  Well, this is what we mean.
[00:21:38]  The Squid Games, which was a Netflix series about a dystopian society where people without money who are in debt would be in this game where they would be killed or win a lot of money.
[00:21:56]  Now, in America, we're actually going to do it.
[00:22:00]  But instead of killing the people, we will release them back into poverty.
[00:22:05]  Tell us more about this.
[00:22:06]  It's such a good idea.
[00:22:08]  So, Netflix.
[00:22:09]  I like the idea of this because it says, hey, it's not that cruel.
[00:22:13]  We're not killing them, but everything else about it is the same.
[00:22:20]  That's what's good about this.
[00:22:21]  They go, we're not killing them, but every other thing about Squid, it's literally the same.
[00:22:28]  Yeah, they're inviting contestants to compete for $4.56 million in prizes by completing the nightmare games featured in a cautionary tale about wealth disparity.
[00:22:39]  So the fans, this was a hit show.
[00:22:42]  The fans are excited.
[00:22:43]  It was big.
[00:22:43]  They want to be in the show.
[00:22:45]  They want to be in the Squid Games.
[00:22:46]  So there'll be 456 players who will enter the game in a pursuit of life-changing reward of $4.56 million, according to a press release.
[00:22:55]  As they compete through a series of games inspired by the original show, plus surprising new additions, their strategies, alliances, and character will be put to test while competitors are eliminated around them.
[00:23:04]  And this will also be a reality show, obviously.
[00:23:09]  It's a good idea.
[00:23:10]  Get Kyle Rittenhouse in this.
[00:23:13]  Get Kyle Rittenhouse in the squid game.
[00:23:17]  This is not a bad idea at all.
[00:23:20]  My mind is starting to turn here.
[00:23:24]  I'm starting to understand the direction we must go.
[00:23:31]  Is there nothing else?
[00:23:32]  Is that it?
[00:23:33]  Is that all we have?
[00:23:34]  The news.
[00:23:35]  That's good.
[00:23:36]  No, no, no.
[00:23:36]  I mean, the Supreme Court expands gun rights.
[00:23:39]  Well, what about this Roe v. Wade now?
[00:23:42]  Oh, Roe v. Wade.
[00:23:43]  Roe v. Wade.
[00:23:45]  Have you heard of this?
[00:23:47]  Apparently, there are women killing their babies.
[00:23:52]  Now, I'm kidding, of course.
[00:23:54]  I am pro-choice.
[00:23:55]  Kill them all.
[00:23:56]  Kill the moms.
[00:23:57]  Great line in the birdcage when Nathan Lane goes, I say kill the mother.
[00:24:02]  And I know what you're saying.
[00:24:04]  Well, the baby will die also, but it's going to die anyway.
[00:24:07]  Let it go down with the ship.
[00:24:11]  Roe v. Wade.
[00:24:12]  Now, here's the deal.
[00:24:15]  We're pre-recording this episode.
[00:24:16]  So I want everybody to know that this Roe v. Wade thing is coming out in a few days.
[00:24:23]  So I'm going to do two reactions to this.
[00:24:26]  Just pick the one that happened.
[00:24:29]  Okay?
[00:24:33]  Oh, my God.
[00:24:34]  They overturned Roe v. Wade.
[00:24:37]  That's fucked up.
[00:24:40]  Women and poor people and fuck.
[00:24:48]  Roe v. Wade was not overturned.
[00:24:51]  Interesting.
[00:24:52]  Many thought it would have been.
[00:25:02]  Those are the two reactions.
[00:25:04]  Depending on which way this news goes, fill in which I'm unaffected by Roe v. Wade.
[00:25:10]  I think within a certain window, you can have the abortion.
[00:25:13]  But afterwards, it gets a little creepy.
[00:25:15]  When it starts to look like a little puppy in there, I don't want you to just fillet it and take its head off.
[00:25:20]  Now, again, I'm unaffected by it because I find women to be repulsive.
[00:25:25]  But that, not all of them, I'm kidding.
[00:25:27]  Many of them that pay me, I think, are great.
[00:25:29]  And there's a few of them that I enjoy.
[00:25:31]  Condoleezza Rice, she's a real fun one.
[00:25:35]  Now, this Roe v. Wade thing that either was overturned or it wasn't.
[00:25:44]  What is this?
[00:25:48]  We're trying to have a nice time.
[00:25:49]  It's the 4th of July.
[00:25:53]  Whitney Cummings is staying at my house.
[00:25:55]  I told her it smells like paint.
[00:25:56]  She said she prefers it.
[00:26:00]  Now, so now, can you get any information?
[00:26:04]  Yeah, so I mean, it's up in the air right now, but it would be a judicial earthquake.
[00:26:08]  But it's been decided already.
[00:26:11]  You got to remember that's been decided.
[00:26:13]  So I'm asking you, what is your opinion on the decision?
[00:26:16]  My opinion on the decision is I think it's messed up that it got overturned and that it's going to go to the states.
[00:26:23]  You think it is going to be overturned?
[00:26:24]  Yeah, and I think, you know, you're going to have to choose.
[00:26:26]  I'm going to do one for both where you don't know which it is.
[00:26:28]  Ready?
[00:26:29]  Okay.
[00:26:30]  This is an inherently complex issue, and there are very heartfelt, strongly held opinions on either side.
[00:26:41]  That's true.
[00:26:42]  Thank you.
[00:26:43]  Now that will work no matter what happens.
[00:26:45]  Yeah, yeah.
[00:26:46]  Because I don't know what's going to happen.
[00:26:47]  It's going to happen soon, they say.
[00:26:49]  By the time this comes out, Roe v. Wade will either be the law of the land or it will be overturned.
[00:26:55]  What an odd week to pre-record.
[00:26:59]  Now, what makes this interesting is I don't care.
[00:27:06]  Now, I do care a little because I think women should be able to get abortions like in the beginning-ish.
[00:27:13]  Like in the beginning, up until a certain point.
[00:27:16]  Then it gets a little uncomfortable.
[00:27:18]  But late term, if like, if it's going to be a baby that's born without like, if it's going to be like a baby that's born like where it doesn't have like, the hearts on the outside of the body, or it can't live, you know, or it's like a gypsy there is, I understand.
[00:27:38]  That's a joke.
[00:27:39]  Don't curse me, curse him.
[00:27:41]  No no, now I'm saying that.
[00:27:50]  I'm just saying that there's late in life.
[00:27:54]  There are, I mean, late in the pregnancy, there are things that happen and sometimes the the baby needs to get harpooned and I I'm not involved with it now.
[00:28:14]  My position on this has always been this.
[00:28:17]  Hey, is there any more dip?
[00:28:22]  My position on this has always been because people get very, they go nuts with this.
[00:28:26]  They start screaming and yelling.
[00:28:27]  And I always go like this.
[00:28:28]  I go, what'd you buy this for?
[00:28:33]  You know, my position on Roe v. Wade has always been, is this a legal two-family?
[00:28:40]  You could do rental if you wanted in the back.
[00:28:45]  My position on Roe v. Wade has always been the parking's not as bad as I thought.
[00:28:50]  I thought that the parking would be bad.
[00:28:52]  It's not that bad.
[00:28:54]  My position on Roe v. Wade has been very much like, well, when you do the kitchen, you do the whole thing.
[00:28:59]  You know, just go in there and do it.
[00:29:01]  Porcelain tile is fine.
[00:29:03]  It's durable and it looks like marble.
[00:29:08]  These are the opinions that I've had over the years with regard to Roe v. Wade.
[00:29:14]  And of course, I'm for women getting abortions.
[00:29:17]  And I think the government should fund it up until the point where it makes me personally uncomfortable.
[00:29:23]  You know, because there is a certain, now, what's weird about this is I guess it's already been decided by the time this comes out.
[00:29:30]  But I'm preparing everyone for all of the, there's all of the things here.
[00:29:34]  You have all of my reactions to this.
[00:29:37]  Fuck.
[00:29:38]  Whoa.
[00:29:47]  Now, I don't know what to tell you, but let's move on here from that because that's our Roe v. Wade section.
[00:29:55]  And it's very important.
[00:29:57]  Now, it is because people, you know, it's, I don't know, but you gotta, you gotta, it's one of those where it's like, hey, you know, it's one of those where you go, damn it.
[00:30:18]  Ask me about Roe v. Wade right now.
[00:30:20]  Like in the future?

=== Roe v. Wade Controversy (07:26) ===

[00:30:21]  Like, where.
[00:30:22]  I'll be my father.
[00:30:22]  I look like my father right now.
[00:30:24]  Ask me about Roe v. Wade.
[00:30:25]  You see, they might overturn Roe v. Wade.
[00:30:27]  I mean, every day.
[00:30:34]  My boomer father's response.
[00:30:36]  Ask me about Roe v. Wade.
[00:30:37]  My boomer father's response.
[00:30:38]  Yeah, did you see the Roe v. Wade news?
[00:30:44]  Yeah, they might overturn it, you know?
[00:30:47]  I was just saying that, you know?
[00:30:50]  I was just saying that.
[00:30:52]  Someone was saying that, and I was saying that, you know, it's just one of those things.
[00:31:01]  I don't know if my dad knows what Roe v. Wade is.
[00:31:03]  He probably does.
[00:31:05]  I don't know if he knows what Roe v. Wade is.
[00:31:08]  You know?
[00:31:09]  But is there anything else as a society we can grasp onto and enjoy and just take pride in?
[00:31:15]  Rachel Dolezel has an OnlyFans now.
[00:31:17]  Fuck yeah.
[00:31:18]  Pop that puss.
[00:31:20]  She's not an unattractive woman.
[00:31:22]  No, not at all.
[00:31:22]  No.
[00:31:23]  She's quite bad.
[00:31:24]  And there's a market for a white woman who pretends to be black on OnlyFans, right?
[00:31:30]  Oh, for sure.
[00:31:31]  For sure.
[00:31:32]  God love her.
[00:31:34]  I love her.
[00:31:35]  And then the other thing people, some people are excited about, some people are not, is that we have more gun rights now in the country.
[00:31:42]  Well, now, how did this happen?
[00:31:44]  Because I thought this was sneaky.
[00:31:47]  I thought they were going to take away some of them after that shooting of all the babies in their heads.
[00:31:53]  But now what happened?
[00:31:54]  They've gone the other way.
[00:31:55]  These sneaky devils.
[00:31:56]  Now they've gone the other way on this, huh?
[00:31:58]  Because a bunch of kids got murdered.
[00:32:01]  And so what did they say?
[00:32:02]  They went the other way?
[00:32:03]  Yeah, basically, I don't understand things with guns, but basically, like, you don't really need that concealed license now.
[00:32:10]  Concealed carry?
[00:32:10]  Yeah, you just have to do the test and you have to, you know, you have to do a test and do the thing.
[00:32:15]  But is this, isn't there a gun control bill that was passed as well?
[00:32:21]  Oh, was there?
[00:32:22]  I didn't see that.
[00:32:23]  We're recording this in September of 2019.
[00:32:28]  Bobby, I have a video of a guy who owns Bobby.
[00:32:33]  I figure you might as well go right to the horse's mouth.
[00:32:35]  There's a guy who owns a gun store.
[00:32:36]  I have a get that guy owns that.
[00:32:39]  Get that gun store up.
[00:32:41]  Let him have his say.
[00:32:43]  KTLA does good work.
[00:32:44]  Shut up.
[00:32:46]  Where is this article, Ben?
[00:32:48]  I do good work.
[00:32:49]  It's SCOTUS expands gun rights and 6-3 ruling.
[00:32:52]  The Supreme Court's given aborted mothers guns so they can kill their babies.
[00:32:59]  Fuck yeah.
[00:33:01]  This is good shit.
[00:33:03]  You should have to shoot your baby in the stomach.
[00:33:06]  No more making it easy.
[00:33:09]  Right?
[00:33:09]  Isn't this what we're doing?
[00:33:11]  We recorded this in 2017.
[00:33:16]  Skip to like a minute 15 in, Bobby.
[00:33:19]  Get in there and put the gun in the baby's hand.
[00:33:28]  I mean, you know, let's watch this.
[00:33:30]  Oh, I'll try to put the headphones on.
[00:33:34]  Are expected to be challenged.
[00:33:38]  How could this ruling impact states like California?
[00:33:41]  It's going to impact the state very, very significantly.
[00:33:45]  What it's going to do is now open that door up for those who would normally not be able to get a CCW and now be able to get one.
[00:33:51]  And the CCW Security Concealed Weapons Permit because they don't have to have a good call statement now.
[00:33:57]  Now, anybody that can pass a background check and can take the class and pass a class, you will be able to get one.
[00:34:05]  Okay.
[00:34:06]  So that's it.
[00:34:07]  So you could, it's, it's, more people can get guns now, basically.
[00:34:10]  I did confirm that.
[00:34:12]  Well, good.
[00:34:14]  So they kind of went the other way on it.
[00:34:17]  Well, who knows?
[00:34:20]  You know?
[00:34:21]  Our friend Steve will do it is one of the Nelk boys.
[00:34:23]  Steve is a real good guy in the world, and especially in the world of the internet, there are not too many good people left anymore, truly.
[00:34:33]  And Steve actually helps people.
[00:34:35]  And what I've seen Steve do personally is he gives people cars and houses.
[00:34:41]  You know, I've seen him go to a hospital and like help a kid with cancer.
[00:34:48]  I don't know how, but like Steve will like do, get, get, get that up.
[00:34:53]  Can we show that?
[00:34:53]  Yeah, yeah, Bobby, can you type in Steve Williams?
[00:34:55]  He's actually a good person.
[00:34:57]  You know, I know I joke around about him, you know, whatever, but he's actually a good person.
[00:35:02]  And I keep trying to, I'm going to do their podcast.
[00:35:04]  I'm sick right now.
[00:35:05]  I don't want to do it when I'm sick.
[00:35:06]  I don't want to get on a plane.
[00:35:08]  But I'm a very big fan of this whole group of people.
[00:35:10]  And I know they've been maligned by some people that are ultra-sensitive, the NELK people, but they are a good group of people, actually.
[00:35:17]  And they, you know, they do good things.
[00:35:19]  Steve has actually done a good thing.
[00:35:21]  I, you know, I do good things all the time, too, which is, it's never reported and no one cares.
[00:35:27]  Everybody talks about everything else.
[00:35:29]  But what they don't talk about is the good things that I do constantly all the time, starting with the fucking charity case I have to my left.
[00:35:36]  Okay.
[00:35:38]  Okay.
[00:35:38]  That I literally rescued from a, from a litter.
[00:35:42]  But I mean, this Steve will do it.
[00:35:44]  Now, what will this?
[00:35:45]  Do we have him helping a kid with cancer?
[00:35:47]  Yeah, yeah.
[00:35:47]  I have a video here.
[00:35:48]  It's 26 minutes.
[00:35:49]  Well, let's just play a minute of it.
[00:35:51]  Thank you, Bobby.
[00:35:52]  Can I just jump into it?
[00:35:53]  Yeah, just hop into it.
[00:35:54]  Let's jump into it.
[00:35:56]  It's for the.
[00:35:57]  This is Steve Will Doit's YouTube channel.
[00:35:59]  Steve Will Dewitt's YouTube channel, and he's helping someone with cancer.
[00:36:03]  I mean, the guy's a good person.
[00:36:04]  Yeah, he is.
[00:36:05]  What is he doing here with the cancer?
[00:36:12]  Yeah.
[00:36:14]  So he's out here, and he's, this is a girl on crutches.
[00:36:20]  I have to pair of crashes.
[00:36:21]  Oh, and she has cancer.
[00:36:23]  And he's going to help her.
[00:36:24]  Yeah.
[00:36:25]  All right, get it off.
[00:36:26]  But you get my point.
[00:36:27]  It's great that he's doing, like, he's a good person.
[00:36:31]  Go to his YouTube channel.
[00:36:32]  Check out what he's doing.
[00:36:34]  I don't.
[00:36:35]  Can I just show up and start helping people, too, with cancer?
[00:36:38]  How do you think that'll go?
[00:36:41]  No, you know what I mean?
[00:36:42]  Like, why do I feel like I'll be attacked?
[00:36:46]  I'll be attacked if I try to do that.
[00:36:48]  If I try to help someone with cancer, I'll be attacked.
[00:36:52]  Right?
[00:36:53]  Probably so.
[00:36:54]  They'll attack me.
[00:36:57]  Is there like a hot 19-year-old guy with cancer who I could suck off while he dies?
[00:37:09]  Check out Steve Will Doet's YouTube channel.
[00:37:14]  Steve Will Do it.
[00:37:15]  What is the channel, please?
[00:37:16]  It's the Steve Will Doit YouTube channel.
[00:37:17]  He also has Steve Will Do It too, where he gambles online.
[00:37:20]  And that's fun.
[00:37:21]  It's really fun.
[00:37:22]  And he gambles sometimes with the cancer patients.
[00:37:23]  He gets them all and they all take a trip to the Cayman Islands and gamble.
[00:37:28]  Steve will do it.
[00:37:29]  Go get him.
[00:37:30]  Thank you.
[00:37:32]  I'm going to withhold judgment.
[00:37:33]  It's the 4th of July.
[00:37:35]  It's time to part.
[00:37:36]  It's time to have a rainbow Italian ice and just sit by the window.
[00:37:41]  You know, it's time to go out and enjoy yourself.
[00:37:44]  Enough with the controversial topics.

=== Finding Common Ground (04:05) ===

[00:37:47]  We got to be able to find something as a nation, as a culture, we can agree on.
[00:37:53]  Something that we like, you know, insurance fraud or something that doesn't hurt anybody but helps, you know?
[00:38:01]  Something that we can all coalesce around, like a message that we feel exemplifies what it means to be an American.
[00:38:13]  You know, what does it mean to be an American?
[00:38:15]  Like to you, I'm putting this to you now, and then I'll answer it.
[00:38:18]  What does it mean to be an American to you?
[00:38:22]  You want me to answer this earnestly?
[00:38:23]  I want you to answer it earnestly and then I'm going to answer it earnestly as well.
[00:38:28]  To me, an American is, above all else, individuality and owning your own property and then the separation of any sort of religion.
[00:38:42]  Do you own property?
[00:38:43]  I don't.
[00:38:43]  I don't have any assets, actually.
[00:38:45]  I lease my car.
[00:38:46]  I rent my house.
[00:38:48]  Okay.
[00:38:48]  It's just interesting.
[00:38:49]  This definition of American doesn't include yourself.
[00:38:53]  But continue.
[00:38:54]  I'm still young.
[00:38:57]  So, you know, without any sort of persuasion from outside influence, like religion or government or anything like that, I can be a sovereign man, basically.
[00:39:08]  That's what being an American is to me.
[00:39:10]  What is being an American to you?
[00:39:14]  This is what being an American means to me.
[00:39:16]  When I was a young boy, I went to my friend's sister's house who was mentally retarded.
[00:39:26]  She was not diagnosed mentally retarded, but she was incredibly dumb.
[00:39:34]  She went out.
[00:39:35]  She left us there.
[00:39:37]  We said, she said to us, do not leave.
[00:39:41]  You can order dominoes and watch films.
[00:39:44]  We said, wouldn't it be funny if we left a fake ransom note for her?
[00:39:50]  She won't believe it.
[00:39:51]  She's not that stupid.
[00:39:54]  So we went to the park to smoke a pack of cigarettes we had stolen from his mother.
[00:39:59]  And we left a ransom note that said, I kidnapped the two kids.
[00:40:03]  If you want them back, show up to this intersection with money.
[00:40:07]  Well, this moron called the police because she actually believed that we had been kidnapped.
[00:40:15]  And she started hysterically crying.
[00:40:17]  And she called the police.
[00:40:19]  We didn't know what to do.
[00:40:21]  And we eventually walked back to the house while the police were outside.
[00:40:26]  And she was crying.
[00:40:28]  And she grabbed us and hugged us like she still thought that we had been kidnapped.
[00:40:34]  And she had called my friend's mother.
[00:40:36]  And my friend's mother knew what was going on.
[00:40:38]  And she was very angry.
[00:40:40]  And she pulled out outside the house.
[00:40:43]  And she looked at me and my friend.
[00:40:45]  And she goes, I can't believe you would do this to your sister.
[00:40:49]  And then she turned around and she looked at the girl and she went, you are a fucking retard.
[00:41:02]  That's what being an American means to me.
[00:41:07]  You see, everybody has a different version of the joys and the promises and the challenges of this land.
[00:41:17]  But that story really encapsulates it to me.
[00:41:23]  I don't give a shit about this owning property and any of that other shit.
[00:41:27]  But when she looked at her and said, you are a fucking retard.
[00:41:33]  How stupid are you?
[00:41:35]  I mean, it just made me happy.
[00:41:38]  And it was the summer.
[00:41:39]  It was a nice, it was a nice summer memory.
[00:41:44]  But to me, America is about having an abortion with a gun.

=== What America Means to Me (14:57) ===

[00:41:53]  It's about eating a sandwich that's made of a sandwich.
[00:41:58]  It's about being on a boat, getting fucked by a boat on a boat.
[00:42:04]  It's about hitting a dog and unlike you, not adopting it, driving on.
[00:42:13]  That's what America is about to me.
[00:42:16]  You know?
[00:42:18]  It's about drinking gasoline and lighting your inner fire.
[00:42:24]  It's about crushing pills on a CD case and snorting them to feel good.
[00:42:33]  It's about finding friends that you only are friends with because they have drugs.
[00:42:40]  It's about getting a job you hate in the hopes that one day you could get a job you hate that pays more money than this one.
[00:42:48]  It's about finding someone to fuck who hates you.
[00:42:56]  Being an American to me is about traveling without truly ever leaving, never really appreciating anything, being handed stuff, getting a lot of things you don't deserve and nothing you do.
[00:43:10]  Being handed things, squandering opportunities, always attacking others, blaming, never being introspective and looking down deep in yourself as to why you are where you are or how you could have handled things better.
[00:43:25]  Being an American to me means being entertaining at all times, even when killing someone.
[00:43:32]  It means that everything in life should be a spectacle, kind of an O.J. Simpson trial.
[00:43:39]  Everything from your divorce to an argument at breakfast.
[00:43:42]  Everything should at all times be insane.
[00:43:46]  Nothing should truly make sense outside of the idea that it's all entertaining and for sport.
[00:43:53]  Being an American to me means being inconsiderate in a very considerate way, meaning offending people only once you've gotten to know them pretty damn well.
[00:44:06]  Knowing the buttons to push and pushing them.
[00:44:09]  Being an American to me means figuring out that everything's full of shit when you're about nine and oscillating between drug, food, sex, addiction, and the mismanagement of your money to handle it.
[00:44:25]  Knowing at any time that your government has orchestrated many different attempts to kill and enslave you and still enjoying Top Gun.
[00:44:36]  It's a good film.
[00:44:40]  Being an American to me means never feeling sorry for a feral cat, knowing that it'll figure it out just like you will.
[00:44:52]  Being an American to me means looking at a disabled person and knowing somewhere down deep they deserve it.
[00:45:06]  Being an American to me means you can summon up a murderous rage at the slightest inconvenience.
[00:45:15]  If someone refuses to seat you in an appropriate period of time at a restaurant, praying that they get into a car accident where they bash their head off their glove compartment and they live to deal with the debt.
[00:45:31]  Being an American doesn't mean wishing death on someone.
[00:45:34]  It means wishing bankruptcy multiple times that they have to go in and out of court.
[00:45:39]  It doesn't mean wishing they lose their children.
[00:45:42]  It means wishing they have to raise them.
[00:45:50]  Being an American to me means everything and also nothing at all.
[00:45:57]  We're a country of 350 million people.
[00:46:01]  Being an American means watching people from all walks of life, all corners of the world come here and learn to be a psychopath.
[00:46:13]  Being an American to me means being jealous, vindictive, petty, hostile, vicious, cowardly, brave.
[00:46:23]  Also being a liar, being a cynic, but being ultimately hopeful that one day the people you agree with kill everyone else.
[00:46:42]  Being an American to me means concerning yourself with tunnels of children under the ground or government controlling the weather, but never with your actual position in life and who's fucking you that can actually reach out and touch you because they're out there.
[00:47:04]  Being an American to me means understanding that TGIF was a good group of shows on ABC.
[00:47:11]  And yes, the kids got raped.
[00:47:21]  Being an American to me means understanding that Wendy's in the 1990s was maybe the greatest restaurant that God has ever given man.
[00:47:34]  That the Monterey Ranch chicken sandwich with bacon in the ranch dressing, lettuce tomato, and a slice of Monterey Jack-ish-like cheese on a soft bun while eating in a Mazda Navajo you had financed on the way to a house you couldn't afford,
[00:47:59]  but you had somehow figured out how to pay for that month, was a great joy.
[00:48:05]  America is a collection of minutes.
[00:48:08]  It's a collection of cigarette breaks.
[00:48:10]  It's a collection of finding a bathroom in a mall.
[00:48:14]  It's a collection of shitting.
[00:48:16]  It's a collection of lost friendships, unrequited loves, opportunities you didn't take, failures, small successes, broken families, bitter, horrible, nasty, hopeless people that all come together every 4th of July to eat.
[00:48:37]  That's what America is.
[00:48:39]  There's something beautiful about it.
[00:48:42]  America's industrial parks, our most beautiful places in America, our national parks, have become playgrounds for killers to murder people who go seek out their majestic beauty.
[00:49:03]  America means that the government may kidnap your children and try to turn them into sex slaves or assassins, mind control victims, and brainwash them.
[00:49:13]  But at the end of the day, Entemans is a good cake and everyone likes it.
[00:49:20]  I do.
[00:49:23]  America to me is about telling your children to go to college so that they can go and haze other kids and kill them.
[00:49:36]  That's what America means to me.
[00:49:40]  America to me means you can start a podcast with your friend and end up on an FBI watch list.
[00:49:51]  America to me means you can move to the greatest city in America, Austin, Texas, and live there in 100-degree swamp heat for a year because it's a truly moving experience.
[00:50:10]  America means the great comedy clubs, the comedy store, the comedy, the stand and others will be full of young children.
[00:50:25]  And by young children, I mean 41-year-olds trying to make it as a buffoon.
[00:50:33]  That's beautiful.
[00:50:35]  America to me means that one of our most American sports, golf, will, like everything else, eventually be owned by the Saudis.
[00:50:46]  That's what America means to me.
[00:50:49]  It's a great country.
[00:50:51]  It's a beautiful place.
[00:50:53]  I'm happy to be here, but I would go anywhere else.
[00:50:59]  You understand?
[00:51:03]  That's what America means to me.
[00:51:06]  I've been incredibly blessed to live here.
[00:51:08]  I've met some of the most interesting people in my business and other businesses.
[00:51:14]  And I've realized that they're not that interesting.
[00:51:21]  And that's a blessing.
[00:51:23]  That's a blessing.
[00:51:27]  I've met some of the wealthiest people in the world, some of the most powerful people in the world.
[00:51:32]  And I'll tell you right now, there's nothing more fun than doing cocaine with your friend in the back of a rental car.
[00:51:42]  That's America to me.
[00:51:47]  America to me comes down to three words.
[00:51:56]  Shut your mouth.
[00:52:04]  Shut your mouth because someone else is talking and that person is smarter than you, or at least they've robbed more people.
[00:52:13]  America to me is about endless options for pancakes.
[00:52:21]  So many different types of fluffy pancakes that you can put your head on and sleep.
[00:52:31]  America to me is about the chalky taste that a pharmaceutical leaves as it slides down your throat, headed to your bloodstream to make it all better.
[00:52:45]  America means finding your child, OD, in the bathroom.
[00:52:52]  Getting the Narcan out and reviving them so they live to rob you one more time.
[00:53:06]  That's what America means.
[00:53:08]  Never give up.
[00:53:11]  Never surrender.
[00:53:13]  We have a beautiful and very, very disgusting country.
[00:53:18]  And I'm proud to live here.
[00:53:21]  I'm proud of all of our problems.
[00:53:23]  Our school shootings, our tent cities.
[00:53:26]  They are our greatest strengths.
[00:53:33]  It's all a matter of perspective.
[00:53:37]  That's what America means to me.
[00:53:40]  America means to me sitting at a bar next to someone.
[00:53:48]  And I've done this.
[00:53:51]  Where you're doing shots and their child, their 11-year-old child walks in crying and says, Daddy, please come home.
[00:54:07]  And he goes, you're not old enough to be in here.
[00:54:12]  You have to leave.
[00:54:14]  Okay, little angel.
[00:54:15]  Daddy will be home soon.
[00:54:18]  And then the mother comes in and she goes, how can you sit there as a man while your daughter cries and asks for you to come home?
[00:54:31]  And he says, Bitch, get the fuck out of my face.
[00:54:38]  And she leaves.
[00:54:39]  And then he looks at me and he goes, she's very selfish.
[00:54:45]  And I said, I think she is.
[00:54:48]  And he goes, would you like to split an order of clams?
[00:54:55]  That's what America means to me.
[00:54:59]  What a selfish bitch.
[00:55:06]  Whatever America means to you out there, I don't care.
[00:55:13]  Doesn't mean anything to me.
[00:55:15]  All I ask is that you keep listening to our show and keep paying us, whatever else you do, whatever genocides you commit, just know That all we care about is that you support us.
[00:55:34]  You can beat your wife.
[00:55:36]  You can torture your children.
[00:55:39]  You could be like Jenny's dad and Forrest Gump.
[00:55:41]  Just rape them all.
[00:55:45]  But if you buy our products, if you buy tickets to see me and you support our Patreon, like they say in the opening scene of The Wire, it's America, man.
[00:56:01]  It's America.
[00:56:04]  So with all of that, our show is exclusively moving to Saudi Spotify.
[00:56:15]  It'll be available only in the country of Saudi Arabia.
[00:56:22]  And they're giving us $100 million.
[00:56:27]  The most American thing I could think of to do would be to sell this podcast to Saudi Arabia.
[00:56:39]  The most American thing I could do would be to open this podcast next week sitting in full Saudi garb from a palace in Riyadh.

=== Selling Podcast to Saudi Arabia (03:18) ===

[00:56:50]  And don't think I won't do it.
[00:56:55]  Don't think for a minute that I won't do it.
[00:56:58]  Oh, Christ, I'll do it.
[00:57:01]  That is the most American thing that I can do.
[00:57:06]  It's the most American thing I can do.
[00:57:10]  It's really the most American thing I can do.
[00:57:14]  Because it's a country about the future.
[00:57:20]  It's not about the past.
[00:57:22]  It's not about, oh, the government did 9-11.
[00:57:24]  It's what are they going to do next?
[00:57:28]  It's about the future.
[00:57:29]  You can't lose yourself.
[00:57:35]  You have to always focus on the great things that are coming our way.
[00:57:43]  My father said something to me that was very brilliant.
[00:57:48]  And it meant a lot to me.
[00:57:50]  We were driving once, and he said to me, he said, son, never overestimate your worth.
[00:58:02]  He said, you're not that special.
[00:58:05]  And anything you can do, someone else can probably do.
[00:58:14]  And I always remembered that.
[00:58:18]  I always remember that.
[00:58:21]  I think it made a lot of sense.
[00:58:27]  He said to me one day, me and your mother, it's not that we don't love each other.
[00:58:32]  It's that we don't love each other anymore.
[00:58:40]  We're ending this marriage.
[00:58:45]  You know, listen, it's no secret that I don't speak to a lot of my family.
[00:58:50]  And that's okay.
[00:58:51]  It doesn't mean much.
[00:58:52]  It doesn't mean anything.
[00:58:54]  You know.
[00:58:57]  But that's what America is.
[00:58:59]  America is about family.
[00:59:02]  America is about family.
[00:59:05]  That's what America is about.
[00:59:06]  It's a big, we're a big wacky family.
[00:59:13]  We're a big, wacky family.
[00:59:16]  And my mother has always been, you know, pretty honest with me about this country.
[00:59:25]  She's always been honest.
[00:59:26]  She said to me, you're too fat to be on television consistently.
[00:59:32]  She said, if you dye your hair, someone may give you enough money to fix your teeth.
[00:59:38]  And she said, Barack Obama's a Muslim.
[00:59:45]  Now, my mother's a great American story because she started out as a wiki watching mermaid in Florida.
[00:59:55]  She spent years as a surfer, then having me, and then was a swim teacher.
[01:00:00]  And now she ends as a paranoid schizophrenic locked away in a room.
[01:00:06]  But if we only knew about live streaming, Ma.

=== Mother's Wacky American Story (01:40) ===

[01:00:09]  Oh, God.
[01:00:10]  The money you could have made.
[01:00:14]  The money Ma could have made if we just knew about live streaming.
[01:00:24]  Because, man, mommy would have fucking lit up those super chats.
[01:00:31]  Mommy would have live streamed her way right out.
[01:00:36]  It's a question of timing.
[01:00:39]  Question of timing.
[01:00:41]  It's unfortunate.
[01:00:42]  Do you have anything to add before we get out of here?
[01:00:44]  No, that was beautiful.
[01:00:45]  Yes.
[01:00:47]  It's almost like I'm the one that should talk.
[01:00:53]  This guy took him to homeownership.
[01:00:55]  He doesn't own anything.
[01:00:58]  He owns a sick dog.
[01:00:59]  Kill it.
[01:01:03]  Everyone, I hope you enjoy your 4th of July.
[01:01:08]  I hope you remember what made this country great.
[01:01:13]  Fraud, murder, and cool shit.
[01:01:19]  Cool shit.
[01:01:20]  We've got cool shit here.
[01:01:22]  Got cool shit.
[01:01:23]  People come here, they go, it's pretty cool.
[01:01:27]  Be cool.
[01:01:28]  Smoke, drink, use drugs.
[01:01:35]  Make a lot of money.
[01:01:39]  Die very young.
[01:01:43]  Kill others.
[01:01:48]  Happy Fourth.