In an all time family friendly classic Tim Dillon episode, Tim talks why it's dangerous to get in the way of someone who wants to do nothing with their life, the current turmoil over Adam Toledo, why women like Kim Potter should not be police officers, and laments the end of the Afghanistan War. Bonus Episodes every week: ▶▶ https://www.patreon.com/thetimdillonshow ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS: 🩳 UNDERWEAR: Order with PROMO CODE Tim ▶▶ https://www.sheathunderwear.com/ 🔒 VPN: Get three months free ▶▶ https://www.expressvpn.com/timdillon 🥣 CEREAL: Use code TimDillon for free shipping! ▶▶ https://magicspoon.com/timdillon 🔵 BLUE CHEW : Use promo TD ▶▶ https://bluechew.com/ 🤖 MANSCAPED: Use code TIMD ▶▶ https://www.manscaped.com/ 👨🦱 HAIR LOSS: ▶▶ https://www.keeps.com/TimDillon 📦 SHIPPING: Enter code TIMDILLON ▶▶ https://www.shipstation.com/ 🎧 HEADPHONES: For 15% off! ▶▶ https://www.buyraycon.com/tim 🤳 COLOGNE AND SKINCARE: Use code TIM ▶▶ https://hawthorne.co/ 🛏️ BEDS: ▶▶ https://helixsleep.com/timdillon 🚗 INSURANCE: ▶▶ https://gabi.com/timdillon 🚬 QUIT SMOKING: Use code TIM: ▶▶ https://lucy.co ⚓ NICK DAVIS'S PODCAST (BELOW DECK) ▶▶ https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/another-below-deck-podcast/id1216741721 💆THERAPY ▶▶ https://www.betterhelp.com/TIMD 📦 BOX OF AWESOME ▶▶ http://boxofawesome.com use code TIMDILLON at checkout for 20% off 💊 MASF SUPPLEMENTS ▶▶ https://masfsupplements.com/ use code TIMD for 10% OFF 🧴 DUKE CANNON DEODERANT ▶▶ https://dukecannon.com/ use code DILLON for 10% off 💍 NORTHBANDS RINGS ▶▶ https://www.northbands.com/ use promo code TIM for 20% off BITCOIN CONFERENCE ▶▶ https://b.tc/conference use code TIMDILLON for 10% off CERTIFIED PIEDMONTESE BEEF ▶▶ 25% OFF with discount code TIMDILLON at https://www.cpbeef.com ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ 𝐆𝐄𝐓 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐄𝐃: 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/timjdillon/ 🐦 Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/TimJDillon 🌍 Tim Dillon Live Dates!: http://timdilloncomedy.com/#shows 📹 Subscribe to the channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC161r7ShBvMxfyzCtiSMRbg Listen on Spotify! https://open.spotify.com/show/2gRd1woKiAazAKPWPkHjds ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ ▶▶ Ed McMahon benavery33@gmail.com https://www.instagram.com/benaveryisgood/ https://twitter.com/benaveryisgood ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ #TheTimDillonShow Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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Sad Goodbye to Afghanistan00:03:24
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dylan show.
I'm so sad we're leaving Afghanistan and I'm so sad.
That was my first war.
My first war, and we are gone.
Just like that.
21 quick years and the Biden administration, surprising us all, surprise they're doing an unconditional troop withdrawal by September 11th.
Wow.
Well, we did it.
We did what we had to do.
And we have a whole, and we'll do it later in the show.
We have an entire tribute to the Afghanistan war, which was my first war.
You always remember your first war, like your first kiss, like your first, I don't know, asking a girl out, your first fuck, the first time that you had tuna tartar.
I don't know.
But whatever you, whatever sticks out in your mind, you always remember your first war, baby.
Now, of course, it could have been the Gulf War, but I was too young to really understand the Gulf War until years later.
Afghanistan was my first year.
I was an 11th grade, just boy, and we were heading into Afghanistan.
And now I am, it's crazy to think of the amount of changes I've gone through in my life.
And the backdrop has been the Afghanistan war, the war in Afghanistan.
And Afghanistan now, because of our efforts there, is actually, and this is, and I thought this wouldn't happen.
I was a little bit of a skeptic, but it is a beautiful tourist destination.
And it is going to, as soon as COVID, that's the problem is COVID.
But when COVID is done, tourists are going to flock to Afghanistan, to the Kashmir region between Afghanistan and Pakistan.
And the four seasons is there.
There's so many hotels going over there right now.
And just, it's going to be beautiful.
And it's everything that we had wanted, which is to create this multi-ethnic democracy, thriving economy in the middle of a bed of rocks that has been run by tribal warlords for thousands of years.
That is going to be so it's sad, but we accomplished what we wanted to do.
We got it done.
It's done.
And as soon as I get my vaccine passport, I'm headed to fucking Afghanistan.
I don't even know the, because this hasn't been in the news, I don't even know the towns anymore in Afghanistan.
We used to know them all the time.
Kabul, Kabul was a big one.
Kabul is the capital.
Kandahar, yep, it's all coming back.
Mazari Sharif, yeah.
We used to talk about that.
But Kabul is the big one.
And that's going to be a hot spot as soon as we're COVID stops plaguing us.
Johnson & Johnson Blood Clot Response00:03:10
Speaking of COVID, we went to get vaccinated.
We wanted to get the Johnson ⁇ Johnson vaccine, which I am a fan of because it has 66% efficacy, which I think is fine.
I think it's fine.
I think you do want a little risk.
I do think you don't want you want to entirely immunize yourself from this.
I think you want a little bit of sexy kind of risk.
And the Jane J shot was not that effective, but also, in addition to that, even though it wasn't that effective, it was also giving people blood clots and they were collapsing in parking lots.
So you had that.
They were getting dizzy and nauseous and then collapsing in tents because of the heat, supposedly.
That's what, that's the party line.
Well, it's hot.
That was Johnson ⁇ Johnson.
People were literally taking it and then just collapsing.
And John Cena ⁇ Johnson's response was, well, it's hot as hell. So that was their response. That was their scientific response. Oh, people get hot. That was it. I love that. They did it at Colorado and then Georgia. But John Cena Johnson's response to the collapsing was people going,
was Johnson Johnson official response? Like, that heats a bitch. So, you know, now, yes, it was only seven women that got blood clots and women get blood clots all the time. They're bloody people, these women. And they clot. And yes, the pill,
and people say to me, they go, well, the pill has a higher incidence of women getting blood clots. Yeah. Well, who's for you taking that? Have your babies, ladies. So pitter-patter of little feet. Lovely sound. So yes,
the babies or the blood clots. And what is a baby except just a blood clot that eventually will steal your car to meet his heroin dealer. But so they, so we go and we got, we were going to get it at some shady pharmacy in Tarzana. One of Whitney Cummings' quack doctors, probably the same guy that worked on Michael Jackson,
is the same guy that gave Michael Jackson propofol. She put me in a group text with. She has all these shady doctors, you know, from Beverly Hills and stuff. And so she put me in a group text with the doctor who gave Michael Jackson propofol. What's his name? Get his name up. The doctor that gave Michael Jackson propofol. Yeah,
who is this guy? Because I guarantee you, this is the same person. I'd be shocked if it wasn't. I think it was, let's see. Conrad Murray. Right. So I'm going to group text with Conrad Murray and Whitney Cummings. And Conrad says every vial of J and J serves five people. So we have to get five people to show up at this pharmacy in Tarzana,
Pfizer Vaccine Eligibility Drama00:09:09
California. And so I called Dan Carney and our friends Devin and Ida. And then, of course, Ben. And Dan's already had COVID. Devin and Ida have not. You have not. I don't believe. I don't know if I have or not. We don't know. All the symptoms of COVID,
like I have for several hours out of each day. So I don't know what COVID is and isn't. The only time I thought I had COVID was when I had every symptom of COVID in March and in the shower speaking perfect Mandarin. And I had a deep urge to destroy this country of entitled soft fatties in the shower. I would stand there and I'd go,
how? And I started doing corporate espionage for like a week. It was odd. That's the only reason that I thought I might have had it. I was just delivering lead-based toys to orphanages and then doing corporate espionage in my spare time. But again,
that's the only time I thought I had it. That's the only time I thought I had it. I would also speak, I would call President Z. I somehow would get through to him. I don't even know how. I would pick up my phone. He'd be on the other end and we would chat. He was very concerned about the fighter and the kid. He always wanted, he wanted to know about that. And I was like, isn't that odd? But he said, President Z said, I'm going to take down America first through the LA comedy scene, which I didn't understand. And then a few months later,
I did. President Z has a direct route to that woman at the LA Times. What's her name? That journalist? I don't want to get on her bad side. Who's that? What's her name? Lauren. Was it? I don't know,
but whatever. She writes all the good stuff, all the salacious stuff. But President Z is funding her, and she's taking down America through the Los Angeles comedy scene, one by one. That's what President Z said to me. He goes, one by one, he said. I didn't know what he meant, but now I do. And it's unfortunate for all. But I don't know if I had it. And we don't know what's going on. So we go to LA and, you know,
Dan and Devin and Ida come and they all get a dinner at Nobu on my arm, of course. You know, some of the least deserving people on earth are shoving Nobu sushi into their mouth on my arm, which is fine. It's nice too. You know, it's like adopting people from a third world country. All of them dance from, you know, outside of Tampa. You know, so, and then Ida and Devin,
we don't even know where they're from. But I don't even know if she's like, is she even from Iran? I don't even know. Yeah, no one's in Palace. Yeah, no one even knows. But I respect a grift. And she know anything about Iran. But anyway,
so we go there and we're all ready to do the J and J vaccine on, what was that? Tuesday. Tuesday, we're going to get, and it's one and done. You get one shot. And listen, I'm not excited about the vaccine. I'm no evangelist for vaccines, but I don't have a choice. If I want to leave this country and do my job, I don't have a choice. By the way, folks, they're not going to let you into a Marriott without this shit. Probably. But for me,
I have to get it. There's no way. Live Nation, all of these things are coming out and going, hey, man, if you want to be in these larger venues, this is the deal. You got to be vaccinated. So I'm like, let's do J and J because it's not effective and it's pretend, really. It's not a real vaccine. It's fake. So I was like,
that's good. It doesn't really work. And it's fake. And it's killing women. So so many of the things I support. I love it, really. There's no downside to me. It kills people I don't fuck and it's fake and it's one shot. You don't have to go back to the pharmacy. I like it. So we were all going to do that, You know?
And unfortunately, a few hours before I was supposed to do that, Rogan texted me, like, haha, the Johnson ⁇ Johnson vaccine is being recalled or they're pausing it.
They're just pausing the J And J.
A few hours before we're about to get it.
They pause the vaccine.
So I run downstairs.
I talk to Ben, Dan. I say, hey, we can't get it. They're pausing the vaccine because women be clottin. And I would have loved if Johnson Johnson came out and just did the same thing where they're like,
it's hot. Like, but women are getting classic. Yeah, it's hot out. So I don't know what the hell they're going to do with all the rest of the Johnson ⁇ Johnson vaccine. Probably throw it in the street like they did to the French wine after 9-11 after France had, you know,
said some insensitive things. So after 9-11, people were pouring French wine in the street. I imagine that'll be the Johnson ⁇ Johnson vaccine. Just vials of Johnson ⁇ Johnson being thrown into the street. But I don't know. I don't know. How about we give it to the cops? What if we give the J and J to the police and go,
hey, whatever happens, happens. But you guys are not too popular right now. So let's collect the members of society that aren't too popular and give them the Johnson ⁇ Johnson. Let's give it to the cops. How about that? Sex offenders. Let's inoculate pedophiles with the J and J. Why not? J and J,
the official vaccine of pedophiles. Teachers that have fucked their students. Line up. You're getting J and J. Matt Gates, people like that. Shady politicians get the J and J. We've got a lot of doses of J and J. Now we need to decide who gets it. Okay? Derek Chauvin,
J and J, you get the J. Congratulations. You get the Johnson ⁇ Johnson. You're not getting that Pfizer. No, you get the J and J. So then Ben got on his phone and found an appointment for me. Of course, he made it look a lot harder than it was, and he made it seem like he spent a lot more time doing it. Now, tell us how much time you spent doing it. In actuality? In actuality. Probably about an hour. An hour. Okay. But that was, of course,
you said two hours. You've said an hour and a half. You've been all over the map. I think I overexaggerated. I said about an hour and a half. Yeah. And what did you, you did get me to point, which I appreciate, to get to Pfizer. And I show up. We got to drive to Santa Clarita, which is good because that's where my business manager lives who is homeless. So we meet up with him for a nice Mexican restaurant lunch,
which is lovely. But before that, I got the Pfizer. I go in, and there's a cute little Mexican lady sitting there. First of all, I walk in. They go, what's your eligibility criteria? I'm like, BMI, bitch, shut the fuck up. You just want me to say it? You know the deal. I should have taken out the Lizzo flute and be like, you know that my fucking criteria. Now, I told him and Dan, they got a lie. They got to say they had cancer, asthma, shit like that. Bitch,
I will pop and lock it right now and twerk my fat ass on your fucking table. You do not need to ask me my criteria. Do you insult everyone like that? What's your eligibility? Oh, you want me to say it? So the black lady laughed. There was a white lady who asked me the question. The black lady laughed. I'm like, BMI, obviously, bitch. And I looked at the black lady. I was like, and she's like, damn right. And I'm like,
I'm a thick bitch. It just got crazy. And then we just started twerking. Me and the black lady were twerking. No, that didn't happen, but she did laugh. And then I went in to get it, which again, I don't know what's going to happen. We don't know what's going to happen with these things. I just know I really can't work if I don't have it. So I sit down. There's a cute little Mexican lady sitting there. She's like, do you have any allergies? I'm like, I don't know. Maybe the penicillin when I was a kid. She goes,
we don't know what's in here. She literally looked at me holding the syringe and goes, we don't know. She goes, we don't know what's in here. We don't know. And then she smiled. She goes, me, we don't know. So I said, all right. She goes, we don't know if you're allergic to it or not. So I said,
sure. And then she stuck me with it. And then they make you sit for 15 minutes in case you have an allergic reaction and they have to cover it up. They make you sit there for 15 minutes in case you start convulsing and they have to hide it from the media. So I sit there for 15 minutes with him and Dan and wait for it. I waited for it. I'm like,
Grotesque TV Show Controversy00:10:04
wait for it. Nothing. And I get my second shot in three weeks. Now, of course, the Pfizer guy's already out in the news going, you need another one. You need more. 12 months, Yeah.
Every year.
But then we're going to start to forget.
Like, you do it for the first year and a half and then you go, fuck that shit.
I've never gotten a flu shot.
You go, we're done with that.
Hey, enough of that.
You know?
I just want to hear more of Dan Crenshaw.
Don't you?
I want to hear more of him.
Lena Waith is in trouble because she just made a thing for HULU called THEM, which is literally just slave porn. The episode I watched titled Covenant, And I abruptly turned against it.
This is somebody writing.
The episode returns to the very first scene, where Lucky is threatened by a white woman, and it reveals it to be a flashback.
From there, what follows is one of the most awful scenes of violence I've ever witnessed on screen.
It's crazy.
White supremacists dump a baby into a pillowcase and toss it around the room until it's bludgeoned to death was more than I could take.
And the men raped the character Lucky while they were at it.
So Lena Waith has made this feel-good film here, or what is this?
A show?
It's a TV show.
It's a TV show.
Lena Waith.
And because I get it, how you get?
She's gotten so woke that she's made racist porn.
That's really what it is.
That's how woke she's become.
This is the disease of wokeness, pushed to its logical conclusion.
It would be like a guy who sat down and he was like, wouldn't this be suspicious if a guy looked like me and was like, I think that it's our job to really highlight so many of the horrible things that the Jewish community faced during World War II. So the new,
the show is called Auschwitz, and we never leave the showers. We're just in there the whole time. We don't, there's no character development outside of it. And then they go, well, you don't think that's a little, I go, no,
The camera is actually mounted to the head of the shower where the Cyclon B comes out. And so it's primarily it's that. It's eight episodes of that. And then every now and then we have a scene of the train coming in,
but primarily that. It's a little weird. It's a little fucking weird. I don't know. People are really not happy with this because they're, you know, and black people are going, hey, man, we don't really want to watch this shit. And I don't blame them. You know? I get it. It's a little much. This is too violent. And I'm sure, listen,
we know horrible things happened during slavery. We get it. But this is maybe too much to watch. Truly, it's really, really big. So I think, I don't know if Lena has a comment. Has she commented? Has she gone? Has she responded to any of her critics who have said this is just truly grotesque? See what Lena has to say. A lot of people are saying Lena Wait them exploits black trauma for the white gays. I don't even know what these things mean,
but I think I do. Whitey's watching this. I wonder if she's responded yet. I don't think she'll respond. You don't think so? I don't know what's she going to say. No, it's misconduct. No, I mean, at the end of the day, listen, she's going to. She's going to maybe respond and say something. You know,
maybe she'll just make her next thing a little peppier. Maybe she'll just do the next thing a little, you know. Yeah, she deleted her Twitter. Yeah. Well, don't throw an infant around a pillowcase till it's dead. I don't know if she has any talent or they. I don't even know anymore,
you know, but she might. She might be great. Is she non-binary? No, right? I can say she. Let me see. Do we know? I don't want to dead name her and get thrown off everything here because I'm not I haven't kept up with the NASDAQ ticker of people's identities. By the way, It's a NASDAQ ticker now.
You should just watch, you know, he, she, they, them, they, them.
I mean, it's like, you can't, everybody.
She's a lesbian.
Great.
Good Furp.
You're just a lesbo.
You're just a lady who lacks ladies and violence.
But this is true.
This is why I got into it with the Airbnb lesbians, because many lesbians have a fetish for violence and need to be watched.
Not all of them.
Not all of them.
But many of them take a turn, don't they?
And this movie has disturbed a lot of people.
This film, this TV show, whatever.
None of it even happens.
Who cares what it is?
I don't want to watch it.
Again, it's just how much, I mean, God, how much can people take out there? It's too much. By the way, you know what's funny, speaking of film,
this is not a film, but whatever. CAA sent me a audition for the new Jordan Peel movie. I'm like, I said, hey, guys, I'll pass. I kind of got into it with his wife. I think it'd be hilarious if somehow I got the role and Jordan said to Chelsea Peretti,
hey, we've cast this guy, Tim Dylan, and she just flipped out. And of course, Chelsea's more than welcome to come on the program and talk to me, which she won't. But we're more than welcome to have a respectful dialogue. She has no interest in it. And frankly, neither do I. When comedy opens back up,
I don't really want to see too many people. I don't care about going to festivals. None of it matters. We're deeply fractured. Let's leave it that way. Let's stay there. How about that? Let's stay there. I don't need to walk around the Hyatt lobby and have fake conversations with people that I don't care about. It's true. And if you're still doing that after this pandemic,
and you still will be, by the way, because people don't learn, people go, I want to get back to my garbage life. I can't wait to get back to my garbage life and all my meaningless interactions with people. I can't wait to do it. I just can't wait to do it. People will have learned nothing from this time. They will have learned nothing about themselves,
about the government, about private business, about anything. They will have learned absolutely nothing. And they will go right back to doing whatever they do because people truly want to waste their time on this planet. They want to waste their time. Don't get in their way. One of the most dangerous positions you can be in in life is getting between somebody and the time they want to waste. Truly, Internalize that.
Listen to what I'm telling you.
People want to waste their time.
If you get in the way of that, if you suggest they should do something else, they will hate you forever.
They will kill you.
They will lash out at you like you are some type of Nazi risen from the dead trying to enslave the world.
If you merely lightly suggest to people that they should not spend their entire life on this planet completely wasting all of their time with meaningless horseshit, they will react like a fucking possum with a bunch of babies in a fucking garbage, fucking, you know,
a garbage can that you've shooken up. They will gnash their teeth at you. I've never seen anything like it. Just mildly suggesting that people don't waste their time. Because their defense is,
well, you don't, you don't know this means something to me. Well, you're insane, but you can't tell people that because that's their argument. People's argument was this means something to me. It might not be important to you,
but it means something to me. And you go, oh, God. All right. Whatever. Just move on. Let people go back to the nonsense. Don't, don't. And they want to. They want to. They want it. The people of my world will go back to doing the meaningless late night sets and tell everybody back home. They're on the late night. They go,
I'm going to be a felon. And, you know, somebody on dialysis back home goes, you get what channel? He's dead honey. Can you help me? I don't have insulin. No,
I get $600 after tax. I can't really help you. But, and I know you can't pay your cable, but maybe you could go to Ann Cheryl's house and watch it there. It should be very exciting. I'm talking about my gas. I'm talking about not getting fucked during the pandemic on Jimmy Fallon's show tonight,
Bike. I'm not even going to say those words. Obviously, it's a very coded, light touch on it. And I want you to go to Ann Cheryl's because you know how you've been supporting me for 12 years. Yeah, and I'm 48. Well, I finally got five minutes on a show no one watches.
And I want everyone in my hometown to watch it before you all die.
Let people, hey, let them go back to it.
Let them go back to it.
That's fine.
Don't get in their way.
Adam Toledo Tragedy Discussion00:12:41
Noen dager må man bare lufte hodet litt.
Ta en Stratos da vel?
Den luftige melksjokoladen som bobler av glede.
Hva med en Stratos salty caramel?
Med fløyelsmyk og salt karamell?
Listen.
this Adam Toledo thing is really, really disturbing. This young kid who has a few wacky nicknames, Andy No. But what are Andy No's nicknames? How about that? Andy No is the guy,
the Asian guy who keeps going into Antifa rallies and, you know, with like a Nazi armband and starts like twerking and then they beat him up and then he puts his face everywhere. So Andy No has said that deceased teen Adam Toledo,
his friends referred to him as Lil Homicide and Baby Diablo. Well, so what? It doesn't matter. He dropped the gun and then he put his hands up and the cop shot him. The cop said, drop the gun. He dropped the gun. He put his hands up and the cop shot him. We understand he didn't win the spelling B. We get it, Andy?
No.
We understand this kid was not an honorable student.
We get it.
Didn't come from the best home.
We get it.
We understand that.
Cops have to understand that there's going to be blowback when people see a video of a child with his hands up being shot.
It doesn't matter that the kid was called baby Diablo.
I mean, we're making this kid into Osama Bin Laden now?
That's what we're going to do?
They called him Lil Homicide.
What?
Was he just running through the streets of Chicago just wasting people?
How many cops did he kill?
How many people did baby Diablo whack?
He's a young, mentally challenged kid with no guidance in his life.
Okay?
And other older members of the gang exploited him and brought him out.
And you know more about this case than I do.
Now, Is this true?
And I don't know if this is true, because why are you laughing?
I didn't say I'm talking about something serious.
You're making it a joke.
And it's not a joke.
I'm not here to joke around.
I heard.
I heard.
I heard that he was DM'd by James Charles.
God damn it.
I heard that.
Am I wrong?
I heard that James Charles DM'd him and said, what up, baby Diablo? I heard they call you Lil Homicide because you kill it. Is that not true? Have you not heard that? Am I wrong? I haven't heard that. Am I wrong? Well,
tell us about the case then. Because apparently I'm getting the wrong information. And yet I don't think I am. So I read that Adam was in special education. I don't know if he was like immensely challenged. He was missing for two days. His parents didn't know where he was. And he was with this guy, Roman, who was 21.
They did a.
They shot him.
Wait a minute.
He was with a 21-year-old for two days.
Yeah.
Named Roman.
Yeah.
Do you know what I'm thinking?
Do you know what I'm about to say?
What?
Why don't you say it?
No, I don't know what you're going to say.
Was.
Can you get a photo up of Roman?
Yeah, I'll show you.
No, I'll show you.
I've been doing work.
This is a photo of Roman.
That's crazy to me.
All right.
I'm kidding.
I've defended this person, James Charles, by the way.
I've said, let's not jump to conclusions. So Lil Diablo, or is it Baby Diablo? Baby Diablo. Or Lil Homicide. I mean, Adam Toledo, really. Just simple. Let's call him his real name. I'm against the cops here. Can we just, can I say something that the advertisers might, can we just, Can we just shoot the cops that did this?
No, I'm serious.
Can we let children shoot the two cops that did it?
Let other children shoot the cops.
They can't remove me for this, because this is my right.
I'm expressing my righteous indignation and rage.
Because it's woke.
There is no one more woke than myself.
Let's stop with showing photos of him.
So, Roman.
I was showing a picture of Roman.
We just did.
So now Roman, now the problem is Roman, Roman is, it gave him a gun.
Well, Roman couldn't have a gun with him because he was on probation, right? So I think the idea was that he did this, this car drove by, he fired eight shots at the car, and then I think he gave the gun to Adam. Remember when Almadou Diallo happened, Bruce Brinkstein did a song called 41 Shots? Oh,
yay. 41 shots. Didn't that heal? Didn't that heal? What happened to that? He was a young boy riding on his bike. They called him names like baby Diablo. He little homicide. But these racist,
Drunk Chicago pigs, bacon, the smell of bacon in the air.
Chase him down and alley.
Why are you chasing anyone down?
An alley?
Let him go.
He's not going to shoot the Obamas.
Who cares?
He's going to shoot another Diablo or a little homicide.
He's going to shoot little bullets or little knives.
I'm just saying.
I'm kidding.
Yes, you should protect the poor from each other, apparently.
But do you see my point?
Are we still even broadcast?
Are we still on this?
I kind of want off of this.
We're never monetized, so I want to go somewhere else. Oh, we're definitely not getting you. I think you talked about the vaccine in the first four minutes. We're not getting monetized on this. We got to go. If you've got a service, you want us to come over there, you got to spend a little money, but I will go on another service. 100%. Straight up. We'll call it Lil Podcasts. And fuck Handy No,
too. What do you want me to say? Fuck him. I'm sick of him. Sucks. I'm sick of him. He goes in the middle of like an Anti Forelli, just starts twerking in like a Nazi costume from the cabaret. And then he's like, they were very angry with me. They were mean to me. We'll stop twerking. What is the resolution to cop violence? Oh, well,
should I finish to let the people know what happened? Yes. Yeah, so they ran down the alley. Adam. You got a big head now because Joe Rogan's like, come on. Well, Tim Rax, but Bill Burr does it on his own. Well,
we've got a better show than Bill Burr's show. It's ours is better. Whatever. Can you stick? What are we going to do? We're supposed to worship all these people to the 98. I'm a faggot. And if I had the amount of cocks in my throat that other comics have about their betters or their peers,
I would really be gay. Like, the cocks never leave these people's throats about just struggle. Like, I don't go. Everyone's talking about how good. But I appreciate what Joe said about us. It was very nice. But enough already with everybody. You know, we get it. Everyone's great. But our show is better than the Monday Morning Podcast. He's a better stand-up than me, unquestionably. Our show is better. That is a fact. Do you disagree? I agree. And he's the great girl, one of the greatest stand-ups ever, Much better than me.
But whatever.
He's much better.
But I was kind of walking back.
Listen, all the respect to him.
He's a genius.
He's the greatest.
Our podcast is the best thing out there.
So just don't even mention us in the same name with other of these people unless they're willing to get in the weeds with Lil Hom.
Because I'm ripping Lil Hom right now.
And no one is.
I'm repping the man.
Fuck these cops.
Take Lori Lightfoot and get her out of there. Not violently. Not violently. Not violently. Just respectfully,
get her out of there. Will you tell people what's happening, please, and stop being nervous all the time? Yeah, yeah. So then they're getting chased. They push down Roman. Another cop jumps on him. That cop keeps running towards Adam. Adam throws the gun behind the fence to kind of do like, To do Roman a solid, it looks like.
And then as soon as he turns around and puts his hands up, he gets shot.
Right.
And then goes down, dies.
So, and then they were saying, well, Andy Noah has.
Andy No has a different version of this.
Andy No's version of this is that Adam was in Antifa and they were planning on destroying the White House.
And he was running to the White House and the cops and he actually had a direct energy weapon, Adam.
He had a direct energy weapon that he was using to destroy the city of Chicago.
And he also had a, there was, per Andy No, I don't know if this is true. Adam had summoned a massively big marshmallow man to walk through Chicago and destroy it. And there was a dog in a refrigerator and there was something called Zool. But again,
this is Andy No's journalism. Andy knows journalism. Andy knows journalism is that there was a river of slime running under Chicago, pulsating with people's negative emotions and thoughts. I'm trying to do this. I want the cops in the clink. Not good. They slandered his name for a week,
too. They're saying he had a gun in his hand when he was shot. Clearly not true. They're lying. They all lie over there. Rob Emmanuel, Lori Lightfoot. What does that even mean? That name Lightfoot. That weird name from like the Lord of the Rings. Bilbo Baggins and Lori Lightfoot. You know? Samwise Gamgee and Lori Lightfoot. What are we talking about? Yes,
Flawed Police Psych Evaluations00:15:08
you dressed up like the COVID destroyer, right? Right, COVID. Yeah, that was it. That's so stupid. The Rona destroyer. We get a better one. I kind of do. I respect that a little bit. What if she did that? What if she comes out in that to deal with the cops? Hey,
if she comes out, here's the thing. I will turn completely for Lori Lightfoot if she comes out dressed like the Riddler And she just deals with the cops in that manner. What happened with this thing? This is going to be,
but there weren't a lot of riots, right? People are. I didn't see any riots. No. There's got to be something done here. You can't get rid of all cops because then crime's just going to go through the roof. But like, I don't know. Can you stop these people that are like idiots from becoming cops? What about Kim Potter? I was going to see if. Kim Potter. You want to play this? What is it? I don't want to see this again. Okay. I don't want to see a guy getting shot again. We're trying to do. Listen, This is a comedy podcast.
It talks about real shit.
I don't want to start doing torture reporting.
I'm not leaning away.
I think this was about Kim Potter specifically.
Oh, yeah.
Well, then let's watch that.
I haven't seen this yet.
26-year veteran of the force is now charged with second-degree manslaughter and has been arrested.
are you, what are you upset about? It's my belief that the officer had the intention to spoil their teaser, but it's just a lot of people. My belief. Every cop, look at how close his eyes are. I know. Every cop looks, there's a real problem here. You know what it is? It's not a great job. Most people are figuring out ways to not be cops. And I think the people that are becoming cops, it's really not the, it's not the best and the brightest. Yeah. What were you giving a face to earlier on in the video? It was like an EDM drop for what it's like. Yes. Yes. Well,
you got to keep people into it. You got to keep people into it. You got to keep people into it no matter what's happening. You need an EDM. The song's kind of dope as fuck. Can you keep playing it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. To write with a single bullet. The song is dope as fuck. Oh,
and they're sampling. Yeah, I mean,
can someone get this bitch out of here too? Put her in jail. Kim Potter. Her name, she should be in jail. Kim Potter. Stop hiring these substitute teachers to giving them guns. This woman should have been teaching health. Not even a real thing. You gave her a gun. That's a good idea,
huh? Yeah, I look at my aunt Kathleen. I go, you know what? She needs a weapon. Here's what Kath needs. Here's what a middle-aged menopausal woman needs, a weapon. And it's not all gendered, but there's a lot of women out there that agree with me. That's the reality. There's certain jobs women should not do. There's a few jobs women shouldn't do. President, senator, congressman, cop,
doctor, lawyer, fire department, banking, financial tech, math, higher education, any education above third grade, a chef, a manager of a hotel, CEO or CFO, COO, CIO of a company, investing, VC venture capital, driving, driving Ubers, Lyfts, cabs,
working at aquariums or zoos or hotels, entertainment, you know? And then there are things that women are perfectly suited to do. Like the Dear Abbey column, remember people would ask her advice and then she'd write. She'd be like, dear, dear Lovelon in Oklahoma. I understand what you're saying. But in all seriousness, you know, there are, you know, we got to watch them a little. You got to watch them, These ladies.
Am I wrong?
I'm not trying to sound misogynistic here.
He's the gay misogynist.
But there's certain.
Kim Potter didn't know the difference between the gun and the taser.
Is that a problem?
Is that an issue?
I'm asking.
I'm asking.
How about?
If you're going to have cops, you need them to be real lesbos, big bulldykes, big gold, because they have a sense of justice that I don't always agree with. But Kim Potter, I believe, can we find out she's a heterosexual before I make this point. But I believe Kim Potter, husband. Yeah,
she's got a husband. This is a problem. You need a lesbo. As much as it pains me to say it, and as much as they've given me a lot of hell over the last year, you need lesbian. And not those lipstick lesbians in the desert. You need a real hulking, just like if you wanted to interior design a house, you wouldn't bring in me. You bring in a real gay person, like a real gay guy who is like really gay and got it. When you have a woman cop,
she needs to be a real lesbian, like a barn-raising dykes on bikes lesbo. Because then men will respect her. No one respected this woman. So she had to try to be cool and shoot people with, you know, she didn't do, she's a, she didn't know the difference between her gun and a hot glue gun. She should be teaching a second grade class. This is what Kim Potter should be doing. All the kids, come to the, come to the,
and remember they would get the parachute and you put the balls in the middle of the parachute and you'd go like this and then the balls would go in the air. That's her job. Not shooting people. And who's her husband? God, he's... Jeffrey Potter. Is he a cop, Too?
Jeff worked as a detective.
I don't know.
Maybe one person should not.
Maybe, like you, can't be allowed to have two cops in love.
Cop love.
Cops need to go back to when it was New York Undercover.
Look at the show New York Undercover, because it was a black guy and a Hispanic guy and a tough talking Latina chief.
And that worked.
Look up New York Undercover.
Lauren Velez.
Malik Yoba.
Oh, Patty d'Urbanville is the chief. Yeah, get this. Patty d'Urbanville. Yeah, she was the chief, and she made sure everything was fair. God, is she better rough? She looks good. She was the chief. And then there was Malik Yoba and Michael DeLorenzo and Lauren Velez. They were all detectives. And then the lieutenant was this woman, Kim Potter, it looks like, actually.
But I don't know what to do anymore with what's going on with the cops.
It's very bad.
I don't know anymore what to do.
I just don't know.
I think that you have to stop letting the psych evaluations, for these people have got to be much better.
Some of these cops, the psych evaluations, do you even know how bad they are?
Some of these cops, psychology.
The first question on it is, who do you want to shoot the most? That's not good. They go, what race do you want to shoot the most? That's the cop evaluation. Here's another question. They go, if a cop in your vicinity shoots a baby, will you plant a gun on that baby? And a lot of them go, yeah, that's question two. Question three is,
how many people are you comfortable shooting a day? And if you answer below 10, you don't get the job. You have to say 10 plus. I am comfortable discharging my weapon into 10 plus people a day, No matter what.
Are you scared all the time?
Yes.
I'm terrified of everything.
How many anxiety disorders you have?
Four that I've been diagnosed with.
Are you terrified?
I am scared of everything all the time.
That's why I want to be a cop, because I'm scared.
Good.
We like fear.
Are you scared enough to make something happen?
Yeah.
Be scared.
Shoot first.
Make things up later.
They interview people for the LAPD.
They're like, how proud are you to be a member of one of the most corrupt police forces in the history of?
How proud are you?
And yes, there's good cops and they get in shit situations and bad stuff happens. But the things that are happening now are beyond any justification. It looks like we got a bunch of like weird,
scaredy cat, trigger happy freaks running around just emptying guns in a p. And they're like, well, if I'm a cop, I could get shot. Yeah, but you're a cop. Like that's part of the game. Part of the game is that you're encountering people that are not at their best. They're drunk. They're on drugs. They're dangerous. They're 12. You know,
people when they're at their scariest, they're toddlers, literally. And you have to deal with it as a cop. You can't always be like, you know,
I get it. The cops go, hey, it's going to be me or them. It's going to be them. I'm like, yeah, but the guy didn't shoot at you and he didn't raise his gun at you. He threw the gun down and then he raised his hands. You know? Also, why not shoot him in the leg? No one shoots in the leg. They always go fatal force. And of course, I'll have 19 people on Instagram when I post the episode. The reason, the reason,
I'll be Kim Potter. The reason no one shoots in a leg of the bubble. Bad situations, man. Bad situations. And not an easy fix either. Listen to this. Can you bring up,
just scroll down a little bit. This is when the cops made sense. New York police detective J.C. Williams, a recently divorced cop, trying to be a good father to his son, and Eddie Torres, a young Puerto Rican who struggles with his heritage, try to balance their stressful work duties with their own personal demands. Their boss,
Lieutenant Virginia Cooper, is tough but fair in her assignments. That's when it worked. That is when it worked. When you had New York undercover, or you had Sipowitz on NYPD Blue, Dennis Franz, a fat guy who knew he was racist and that he should change. Every episode of that show was just him being like, I'm fucking racist. And a black lady was like, why are you so damn racist? He's like,
I'm trying. I'm sorry. I got to do better. That's, that was a good show. That was a good show because he worked for Jimmy Smitz, Who was a Hispanic gentleman.
You saw how it all can work.
It can all work if you have a multi-ethnic police force and they're all actors.
It can work if it's a television show.
Policing in this country can be saved if it is on a sound stage and it is a television show.
That is my hope.
If you get people who are actors and give them fake guns and let them solve crimes that were written by people in a writer's room, we can save policing in this country.
It's my hope.
It's my hope.
I don't believe we have any hope left for real policing, But I believe we can get a killer show.
Let's solve this on TV.
Let's solve this on television or on Netflix with a show about cops changing.
Reform the police on Netflix.
I want a show about cops struggling with their own internal biases on Netflix or Amazon Prime.
And we can do it.
If we work hard enough, we can do it.
It's absolutely impossible in the real world.
But I think if we had a show, a good show, where is there?
Your neighbor gets shot in front of you and you go, fuck. And you're angry. But then, and you watch the show. And in the show, there's a cop who was going to shoot your neighbor and decided not to. And then you go,
they're not all bad. They're not all bad because I'm watching a show where cops are being good on the show. That's the goal. And when, is it, it's interesting, like the decline of cop shows. And now all these bad cops are here because they have no role models. You know? Like they have things like Blue Bloods or whatever, but I'm talking about real good cop shows. Hill Street Blues, NYPD Blue,
Homicide Life on the Street, Law and Order. These were shows where even though the cops were racist and corrupt, they were likable. And you realized that you too were racist and corrupt. And that's what helped everybody through it. That's what made it okay when you saw these cops struggle with their own biases that you were like,
Quit Smoking and Watch Cops00:04:58
this is going to be okay. Keep going down. Look at all these. I mean, these are, these are, what a great. Can you bring up, can you bring up the opening sequence of New York Undercover, please, on YouTube? Opening sequence of New York Undercover. It was on Fox 5. It was season one. That is correct. Put the music on. See,
this is when you know it's real. These are the cops. Think of these cops. Stop watching the news. Watch this. That's Patty Quinn. She didn't shoot Baby Diablo. She's tough, but fair. Nick Wolf is the only person who cared. Now go to NYPD Blue opening sequence, please. Because this, again, was a great show about good cops that were racist and corrupt,
but you liked them. Here it is. Don't shoot it, Joe. Look, Multi-ethnic.
We're talking.
We're solving bad people around there and we're trying to help the good people.
Yeah.
He was a racist.
But there's a black chief.
Things are gonna be okay.
She was the DA.
I was 9-11.
You believed in the cops.
Now you did to go to Chinatown.
You see the dragon.
Watch.
Where's the dragon?
Joe's, Darius, Arias!
Everyone was okay!
Bring it back, Bring it back.
Should I pitch that?
I got an idea.
We got to do a cop show now.
But good cops.
It's hard out there for a pimp.
And it ain't easy for a cop.
It ain't easy for a cop.
But every person I know who's been a cop has been a criminal before first.
Very interesting.
I don't know what the process is to get selected.
Maybe Lena Waith will make something years from now where it's just cops skinning people.
Where cops are just boiling people in pots and eating them for dinner.
Perhaps.
I don't know.
How many days without cigarettes?
That was so hard.
You are a day six.
It is so hard.
I've never quit something that has been this painful because I quit cigarettes, because I want to die with the vaccine.
It's very difficult.
Super hard.
I've done it.
You have not.
You've been smoking.
I have not.
You've smoked at night in your house.
That's okay.
That's your life.
I just don't want you to die.
Thank you.
You're the lifeblood of the show, according to Joe Rogan. But when I imitate him, I have to pretend like I'm chewing because that's how you get like that. But I don't know. It's been very difficult,
but I'm doing the right thing. There's a guy that I'm talking to that kind of, that I do like. So he has said, I'm holding you to that you won't smoke, which is good. Well, we'll see. But I mean, I'm doing it for myself, but it's also you have a little extra motivation. It's nice too. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. We got to do the Afghanistan war. This is a tribute to the, this is a tribute to the Afghanistan war,
my first war. And I never thought I'd feel this way. Far as I'm concerned,
Twenty-One Years of War00:15:07
I'm glad I got the chance to say that I do believe I love you, Taliban. And if I should ever go away, the Rockies shows the skies are gray. You're fucking kids. You've chained to your bedpost. I read that in an article. If you could remember me,
keep smiling, keep shining. 21 years of just war. It's a just war to help the pedophile warlords. We grow opium for Viking and Oxycontin. Tastes so good,
for sure. Especially when it's grown by pedophile warlords. Nothing grows but opium and boys in Afghanistan. Bin Laden wasn't even there. But who cares? You people have cool hair. The Pashtuns,
I think they were involved. I forget. Kaboom. It went kaboom. And then we saw a group of pedophile warlords growing opium and said, We said, keep smiling, keep shining.
You're gonna have a democracy.
So you can fuck kids and grow opium for the drug addicts who live in our country.
And lithium ion.
We're gonna mine that because Apple needs it to make our faults so that our pedophiles can look up porn too.
It's about heroin and pedophilia.
That's the entire foreign policy of our country.
It's about heroin and pedophilia.
That's what aliens would say if they looked at history.
It's kind of amazing.
They'd go, All they ever did was fuck kids and get high.
They could have done so much other shit, but they didn't.
21 years of fucking kids and getting high.
9-11 never even happened.
The towers are still there.
They are giving vaccines in them now.
For sure.
You're a pedophile warlord.
21 years.
Obama, Trump, and now Biden says we are not going there anymore.
We're bringing the pedophile warlords to America.
You can come to America now.
Welcome.
Bring your heroin.
We've got boys.
Welcome to America, Says President Biden.
You can fuck kids and grow heroin here.
Ask everyone their pronouns.
It's been 21 years of creating chaos and hell for financial gain.
Thank you for everything.
We love you and we hope you love us.
Here's to 21 more years of hell.
Take that pill.
It'll make you feel better.
And, don't worry, we'll be back.
We always come back.
We'll be back.
But until we do, we love you.
So that's our, that's our, um, that is our montage and our tribute to Afghanistan and a just and beautiful war. So we hope that you have enjoyed the Afghanistan war as much as we have. And we're proud that for,
you know, since I've started the show, the Afghanistan War has been a sponsor. And we're going to have to find a new war to sponsor our show. But what are you going to do? All right, folks. Good luck at that. If you see a cop out there, God, I mean, just don't do anything. Don't make any furtive glances,
movements. Just as you say a female cop, it's like, oof. Good luck. They'll be fine. I'm sure she'll be fine. Kim Potter, I'm sure, is a... I'm sure she's not indicative of what else is going on. I'm sure she's a sure it's an isolated event. Yeah. Gonna be touring more in the summer. We need these clubs to start opening up at capacity. We can't,
comics can't keep doing eight or 10 shows for 25% of the audience. Like, we need these shows to start opening up. It's a little absurd right now. And we're hoping that by July or August, we're getting some full rooms in there. And really before that, half the country's vaccinated. It's time to move on with this shit. The idea that we could just keep to 30% in these clouds. I mean, it's like absurd. We need to start opening these rooms up. The governors of these states are going to have to become a little less tyrannical. I mean,
New York City now has 50 people allowed. They've got 50 people allowed and then a curfew of 11 p.m. because COVID comes out at night. Guys, what are we doing? But again, we'll see what happens. But we wish everyone the best. And then hopefully we'll get to go to Afghanistan and broadcast from Afghanistan. That's my hope. That's my dream. But until that day,
we'll just have to get shot here in America. You know? And listen, we hope David Dobert comes back too. And I hope he's, I hope, do you know, and this is literally,
he has said things are so bad. I know people in his camp. Things are so bad for him. He's thinking about becoming a cop. That's how bad it's getting is that he's thinking of becoming a cop. This is from people that know him well. So,
you know, he was doing a prank video I saw the other day where he was injecting a dog with the Johnson ⁇ Johnson vaccine. And he was yelling at it. Now clot bitch. So that's, again, He's trying.
He's coming back.
The whole Johnson ⁇ Johnson vaccine is actually just a Nelk prank.
The Nelk boys, the Nelk boys posed as scientists at Johnson ⁇ Johnson and came up with the entire vaccine.
So they kind of got us.
They kind of got us.
Who do you think wins?
Jake Paul or Ben Askron?
Jake Paul.
Interesting.
I'm going to say that too.
I'm going to say that too.
Celebrity boxing match.
Ready?
Here we go.
Lizzo versus Kim Potter.
Give the people what they want.
I take Lizzo on that.
I do too.
I do too.
I don't know.
You're excited about your wedding?
No one else is.
No, I'm kidding. We're very excited about it. Be fun, huh? It's going to be a good time. Good. You have a whole wedding party there. And you chose, I'm not in it,
but you chose because you hate gay people. You chose all the other people to be in it. Oh, you're talking about my gruesman? Yeah. Do you want to be in it? I don't even want to go to the thing. I really don't want to go to the thing. I feel like it would have been rude years ago to have asked you. I mean,
it's rude now to ask me to go to hang out with these people. I mean, this is like, I mean, I imagine this is just going to be everybody there's a Kim Potter at this wedding. Am I wrong to think about that? I mean, between Q and Kim Potter, I mean, you think the nickname little baby Diablo is going to be talked about five times on that buffet line. You know what they called him,
Leo Homicide? They called him Baby Diablo. That's what they called him. You know, Jesus Christ coming back to fat, baby Diablo. I mean, this is what it's going to be. Do you have to say anything like people you have to wear shoes and stuff? No,
I'm not trying to be rude. But do you like the people? Do people know they have to wear shoes and everything? I mean, I'm asking. What is the net worth at this wedding? Of the 60 people there, the net worth is going to be, other than your friend's family, the people that are in dental work. What's the net worth of this? I think 60 people. Now, tell me if I'm being rude. And I don't want to be rude. I'm never rude. This is what I believe. Net worth of the 60 people,
liquid cash. We're talking about, let's take your friend's family out. They're all coming, right? Let's remove them because they have money. Even that, though, if we like, I'm thinking like net worth per person at this wedding is $25,000. Yeah, let's go about there. Per person is $25,000. Well,
I can think of 12 people off the top of my head that have been unemployed for like a very long time. Right. It's correct. Yeah. So it'll be a lot of interesting people to talk to. Now,
these are people. Can you get up the scene from Gummo outside of the Dairy Queen, please? Because this is what I imagine Gummo Dairy Queen's in. Because this is what I imagine. Fuck. Come on,
Gummo. Sometimes Harmony Corinne stuff's hard to find. Why? It's a great pin to this episode. Is that it? That's the top scene. No, This is. Oh, no, that's the Outsiders. There's a scene. It's the albino. Maybe Google Gummo Albino. Albino scene. Yes. Yes. Here we go. Okay,
so this is Ben's wedding. If I could, this is Ben's wedding. Okay, okay. Let me full screen this. Because they're going to be happy. I have a good personality. I have blonde hair,
blue eyes. I'm 135 pounds. And I'm 4'10 and a half. I have very light skin. I am considered what you would call an albino. I like men that are very sensitive,
that will sit down and watch a good movie with me, won't hit on me, will love me for me. I like men that either have blonde hair, blue eyes, Or black or brown hair.
Actually, the eyes, it really doesn't matter.
My favorite movie stars are Pamela Anderson and Patrick Swayze.
Patrick Swayze is sexy.
He's good looking.
I love that man to death.
I would pay money to catch him.
This is going to be Benjamin.
I was born without any toes on my feet at all.
I would pick up things with the balls of my feet instead of my toes.
I had trouble walking on my feet.
Now that, I mean, not to be rude, but is that a good primer for what I should expect? It's not bad. That's a decent primer. You're there. For what I should expect at your wedding. And then your friend's family. They have money, right? Who, Travis? Yeah, we don't want to say names on the show. Well,
his family's not coming. Oh, they're not. No, no, no, no. See, they won't even be associated with it. No. They don't. Now, did you invite them? No, no, no. It's very small. It's very small. So there's not even, there wouldn't be space for them. And they'd feel uncomfortable. If they went, no,
they would love to come, but we just don't have enough space. But just, it would be, would they be disturbed by like the amount of people like, you know, without shoes? Would they notice it? I'm not saying that. Would they like notice it? Would they go, I thought, because it's in the field, right? And I feel like people are just going to be running around like, this is what I think is going to happen. It's a bunch of shoeless people be like, Lord,
Teddy! Have you ever seen the Lessian and Powder? Get the final scene of Powder up. This is what I imagine every wedding guest will be doing at Ben's wedding. And then we'll get out of here because we've gone long and I got to go. Yeah, This is what I believe.
Everywhere.
Okay, speed this up a little bit, because I don't want to do three minutes to this.
Yeah.
Right here.
Yeah, it's fine.
This is, I believe, what Ben's wedding will be.
This is going to be Ben's guess.
This is everybody at Ben's wedding.
This is because everybody goes...
And that's it.
We now pronounce it, man and wife.
All right.
Are you even going to have like a wedding cake, or are you just going to have like Safeway cookies or something?
AGB cookies.
There will be a wedding cake.
Blue bow ice cream.
Really?
Ooh.
Give me and Chase something to eat while we sit there alone and hope to die.
Real Wedding Without a Partner00:14:29
We seated you with my family, by the way. So you want to know my mom and dad. I'm very excited. Thank you. That's very sweet. That is very sweet. My mom will just ask you a lot of questions about like Joe Rogan and stuff. Well, I'll answer them pretty honestly. And I'll say,
you're asking about something that, you know, it's a show we don't think much about. You know? No, she can, she can, I'll answer all the questions. I'm very polite, man. So who's at that table? It's my dad, my mom, you, I think my sister. Okay. And Bronco Bill, as you call him, and you, And then Devin and Ida will be at that table.
Oh, phenomenal.
Well, lucky your parents.
Just lucky for your parents, huh?
Two great minds that can really enjoy.
Where's Cole?
Cole will sit with my brother at a different table with some people he knows.
Fair enough.
There's only like seven tables.
So we had to like be strategic.
I want to have a wedding, to upstage this, but I can't.
I don't.
I'm not going to marry.
Like, no one wants to marry me.
But still, I want to upstate.
Like, I want to have a crazy wedding.
Here's the question.
Do I have to have a partner to get to throw a wedding?
Could I?
Could I?
just to anger you and your wife, could I marry myself? What if I threw like an incredibly luxurious, absurd wedding the week after yours to just marry myself? That would be amazing. I think you could marry yourself. I guess you could. Yeah,
because your dad has the same name as you, right? Yes. There you go. What does that mean? Well, you could just act like you have like two different socials, but you're really just marrying yourself. You know what I mean? Well, I'm not sure. I'm allowed to marry myself. Hold on. Oh,
it's my realtor. That was my realtor. There's a shit problem at the house. The septic tank is overflowing with shit. So I'm still buying the house, but they opened the septic tank the other day and it was just smelled of 30 years of shit. And the thing's 36 years old and it's just buckling. It's just overflowing with shit. So,
so good. But, you know, I'm excited about this wedding, and I think sometimes you're angry at me. Why? Because I'm poking fun and I'm not being serious. I don't care. Weddings are dumb. They're not dumb. They're not dumb. I am an entertainer,
and I think sometimes you internalize these things and you get angry with me because I'm making a joke. I'm excited. I think the wedding is going to be lovely. I don't need, I'm not, We're not going.
I don't need people to recite the whole alphabet.
That's not what we're doing here.
We're trying to love people for who they are.
Do you understand?
I don't mind port-a-potties.
I don't mind.
None of that matters to me.
I love you and I want you to be happy.
Thank you.
You know what I mean?
Doesn't matter.
I want.
How many people are coming that are like friends of yours that I haven't met?
That'll be interesting to me.
I only met one friend of yours.
Maybe seven?
Because there's people out there that I just, that I don't know, that are friends of yours.
Yeah, from my past.
Yeah, like six people, Maybe?
Five people?
Interesting.
Yeah.
The next week, I will have a 300-person wedding where I will marry myself.
And it will be spectacular.
And you know who's going to be one of the groomsmen?
Who?
Not you.
Not you.
Dan Carney.
Let's go.
Let's see if Dan will be a group.
Let's see if he'll be the best man at my wedding while I'm marrying myself. Again, I'm not trying to insult you. I think it's a good idea. I think it's a great idea. Hey,
what's up? Dan, quick. You're on the podcast right now. Ben is having a wedding on, when is it, Ben? Saturday. Saturday. I'm going to throw a wedding the next week after that Where I'm going to marry myself to show Ben and his wife that I have,
I can, I'm a little better positioned than they are. Will you be the best man at my wedding where I marry myself? Oh my God, I would love to. Yes. Okay, good. Because it will just be you. There will be no other groomsmen. Because Ben didn't ask me to be one of his groomsmen,
which I understand because he hates gay people and his family does. And it'll just be a gay hate festival. But all right, Dan's having high profile meetings today. I'm sorry, Dan. Get back to your meeting. Go back to your meetings, Dan. Good luck. So I will,
Dan Carney will be my best man where I marry myself. But that's okay. Hey, man, it's totally okay that you didn't want me near your wedding. If I had asked you to be at my wedding,
you would have like punched me. I've never struck you in my life. But I understand. You wanted a crack addict. Eventually, you were going to have a crack addict do the nuptials. Remember in the beginning? And I said that wasn't a good idea. You're going to have someone who's on crack marry you. So, but that's okay. Hey, man, I get it. I get it. It's like, you know, can't have a fag there. I understand. I'm shocked I'm even invited. Hey, I'm shocked.
I'm even invited.
I just hope that I can enjoy the, I hope that, as we're all, you know, reaching in an igloo cooler for our drink, that it'll be okay.
That's all.
When we all reach down into that igloo cooler for our drink and then go find our five guys basket.
Is five guys catering it?
No.
It's not five guys?
No.
Who is it?
It's a local Austin barbecue spot.
Oh, oh, okay.
Is it like one that I've heard of?
or is it like kind of like a Whataburger? Which I've also heard of. But it's like fast food, though, right? No, no, it's not fast food. It's like real barbecue. With the sauces being little packets. I'm just curious. Why are you breathing heavy? Because I've called you out for your homophobia. You know what? Michelle's third wedding, She did In-N-Out, and she said people loved it.
Who gives a fuck what Michelle did?
We're not talking about Michelle.
We're talking about you and your refusal to have a gay person at your wedding.
I just hope the groomsmen have a good podcast, too.
You can go produce that.
You can go produce that.
You know?
But the reason you're uncomfortable is because you're called out now.
And this is something you genuinely, you genuinely have really made me feel horrible about who I am as a person.
You know, Every time that you don't, that you, like every time you've not asked me to be a groomsman, what, you know what that is? That's Lil Diablo getting shot. You're shooting Lil Diablo. I am Big Diablo. And you've hurt big homicide. So anyway,
I know that was you and your wife's decision. And I wish you guys the best with your life, you know, working at diners and praying. There's nothing wrong working at diners. I love diners. Nothing wrong with it. Oh,
I hope you don't feel there's anything wrong with it. I hope you don't feel. Have you ever been a short order cook? No, I was head of takeout. Head of takeout. Yeah, so I go back and like put the food on the plates and like package them and then come out. Keep that resume crisp. Keep it crisp. I think my record was 140 orders in six hours once. Who is it? Who's saying,
who is doing the wedding? Is it Pat Robertson? Who'll be doing the wedding? Pat Robertson. Is it Jerry Fulwell's son? That guy who's raped a bunch of people? No,
I'm excited. I'm excited. All kidding aside, I'm excited about it. I, of course, don't want to go, but I have to go. Thank you for going. I know. No, it's nice to go. It's nice to go. I was waiting for a gig to pop up, maybe. No. Listen, I'm going to go. I want to go and be a second-class citizen at the wedding that I paid for. Why wouldn't I go? Why wouldn't I go? Anyway,
this is Ben and the faggots signing off. You know, he'll take a fag's money, but he just won't. You know, we get it. It's okay. That's all right, Man.
Just, I stand with Lil Diablo and Ben stands with the cops.
Ben's a cop caller.
He's a white pig.
Okay, Me and Andy know.
That's right.
You and Andy know.
Talking arms.
That's right.
You and Andy know.
But I stand with the revolution.
It'll be a fun.
And I can't wait for my wedding recap where I review the wedding.
Oh, it's crazy, Michelle. Hello. Hello, Michelle. You're on the podcast. Willie? Are you sure? I'm very sure. You're speaking out with your microphone to half a million people or more. That's gross. Do you want to call you later? That's weird. Okay. I didn't know. Do you have any message for the people? Absolutely not. Later. Love you, Bye.
Bye.
It's gross.
I mean, what do you want me to do?
Anyway, I wish you the best in everything you do in your life.
And I hope that this is a turning point for you.
You understand?
I hope you get a lot of material out of the wedding.
I hope you and Travis have a great show.
Have a great podcast.
I'm very excited.
When are you guys launching it?
When will you be launching the Christ Almighty?
Ben and Travis.
Okay, maybe she does have a message.
You've changed your mind.
Yeah, everyone just needs to dress up more. That's it. And your hardcore anti-vax as well. I'm uninterested. I don't see them hardcore. But I'm not interested. Fair enough. I wish people would start wearing slacks and loafers and clean it up. Okay. All right. Well,
we love you. Thank you. She said, I wish people would start wearing slacks and loafers and clean it up. She's not interested in the vaccine. Fair enough. Fair enough. But I do. When is the UN Travis? Do you have a name for the show? Yeah. Why are you laughing? I'm trying to help you. Trying to help you promote the show, You and Travis.
They're going to think it's real.
They're going to think I'm leaving the show, that I'm starting a new podcast.
They're idiots.
They don't get it.
Who cares what they think?
I just talked to you here.
I don't give a fuck who's on the other end.
I have no interest.
Truly no interest.
These people give me suggestions for the show like I give a fuck.
What are you of?
Who cares?
What do they say?
Who knows?
Whatever they say.
You should have more balls.
You say.
I don't know what their thing is, you know.
I'm just excited about your future with Travis.
Thank you.
As doing a really good show.
And, you know, I'm excited of Dan Carney's future working at, I don't know, a restaurant somewhere between Cracker Barrel and whatever that next phase is. Red Lobster. Yeah,
yeah. Yeah. You're Red Lobster. You do well at Red Lobster. No, he'll, you know, listen, you guys are fine. And, you know, I'm just, I'm really holding everyone back is really what I'm doing. I'm holding everyone back. So I'm going to marry myself in a ceremony, which I hope you'll attend. I will be there. Yeah, it'll be in a lake house. I'm going to invite everyone from your wedding and pay them to come. Okay? Okay. And I'm going to say,
this is a real wedding. I'm going to go, I hope you enjoyed last week. This is a real wedding. And no, I don't have a partner. I'll be marrying myself. But this is a real wedding. And I'm glad that you guys all took off, you know, because I know many of them have to put in shift change requests, Dairy Queen to come. And this, you know, hey, I'm with it. But anyway, folks, I didn't know that was going to go on a half hour,
Confronting Employer About Hate00:00:29
but it did. And, you know, high five. Love you. Nope. Oh, come on. Nope. Nope. Ben hates gays. Go to Ben's employer and let him know how much he hates gay people. That way he gets fired from his job. Too bad his employer is Andy No. Andy No is not going to take any action. All right, folks. Good luck with everything. Kill yourselves. Goodbye.