Once a year, Ben picks some of his personal favorite moments from the Patreon vault and unlocks them for you, the listener. There were many contenders this year but these were my favorite moments (I am excluding The Pit and Gates of Hell since we already released those).To follow along, here is the episode order and links: 14:17 - 32:10 Bonus #068 - Death of a Salesman (Featuring Devan Costa and Ida Tavakoli) https://www.patreon.com/posts/bonus-068-death-44565309 35:12 - 45:58 Bonus #065 - Hate The People You Actually Know (Ft. Melanie Englert) https://www.patreon.com/posts/bonus-065-hate-43774674 46:00 - 1:12:36 Bonus #067 - My Favorite Podcast https://www.patreon.com/posts/bonus-067-my-44287646 1:17:28 - 1:28:13 Bonus #079 - Tweet While Bleeding (Ft. Ray Kump) https://www.patreon.com/posts/bonus-079-tweet-47348966 1:28:13 - 1:46:45 Bonus #076 - Bingaling! https://www.patreon.com/posts/bonus-076-46433620 1:46:45 - 2:17:15 Bonus #083 - Ben's Wedding https://www.patreon.com/posts/bonus-083-bens-48567057 Bonus Episodes every week: ▶▶ https://www.patreon.com/thetimdillonshow OFFICIAL MERCHANDISE ▶▶ https://www.bonfire.com/store/the-tim-dillon-show/ ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS: 🩳 UNDERWEAR: Order with PROMO CODE Tim ▶▶ https://www.sheathunderwear.com/ 🔒 VPN: Get three months free ▶▶ https://www.expressvpn.com/timdillon 🥣 CEREAL: Use code TimDillon for free shipping! ▶▶ https://magicspoon.com/timdillon 🔵 BLUE CHEW : Use promo TD ▶▶ https://bluechew.com/ 🤖 MANSCAPED: Use code TIMD ▶▶ https://www.manscaped.com/ 👨🦱 HAIR LOSS: ▶▶ https://www.keeps.com/TimDillon 📦 SHIPPING: Enter code TIMDILLON ▶▶ https://www.shipstation.com/ 🎧 HEADPHONES: For 15% off! ▶▶ https://www.buyraycon.com/tim 🤳 COLOGNE AND SKINCARE: Use code TIM ▶▶ https://hawthorne.co/ 🛏️ BEDS: ▶▶ https://helixsleep.com/timdillon 🚗 INSURANCE: ▶▶ https://gabi.com/timdillon 🚬 QUIT SMOKING: Use code TIM: ▶▶ https://lucy.co ⚓ NICK DAVIS'S PODCAST (BELOW DECK) ▶▶ https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/another-below-deck-podcast/id1216741721 💆THERAPY ▶▶ https://www.betterhelp.com/TIMD 📦 BOX OF AWESOME ▶▶ http://boxofawesome.com use code TIMDILLON at checkout for 20% off 💊 MASF SUPPLEMENTS ▶▶ https://masfsupplements.com/ use code TIMD for 10% OFF ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ 𝐆𝐄𝐓 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐄𝐃: 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/timjdillon/ 🐦 Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/TimJDillon 🌍 Tim Dillon Live Dates!: http://timdilloncomedy.com/#shows 📹 Subscribe to the channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC161r7ShBvMxfyzCtiSMRbg Listen on Spotify! https://open.spotify.com/show/2gRd1woKiAazAKPWPkHjds ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ ▶▶ Ed McMahon benavery33@gmail.com https://www.instagram.com/benaveryisgood/ https://twitter.com/benaveryisgood ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ #TheTimDillonShow Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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Best of Patreon Vault00:11:35
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dylan Show.
Special treat for everybody this week.
We have a best of Patreon.
We're opening the vault and taking select rants from our Patreon episodes like Made I Want to Fly a Plane in the Capitol and many other of our hits.
And we're doing that because last night we went out to dinner with Rogan and I was plied with pasta against my will and bone marrow and garlic bread and porterhouses and chocolate cakes and cream-filled donuts.
And I just woke up today and I'm like, and I red-ass restaurant in fucking Austin, killer, killer food.
And I just tossed and turned all night because I usually eat really, really healthy.
And Joe does not.
And this is a problem.
And I get on him all the time about his diet.
I go, you gotta, you gotta cut the carbs, cut the sugar, do the more of the, but you know, you can't reason with him.
But so we had a real meal and a half last night.
So I just can't, there's not a full show in me right now.
Things are still gurgling and whatever.
So what I'm going to do is we're going to open the vault and release some of the great Patreon stuff that we've had and where we talk about Ben's upcoming wedding.
We talk about lots of different things.
Ben always selects these rants from the Patreons.
We haven't done this in about a year, about a year.
And again, you don't have to join the page.
This isn't like a come join the page.
It is fun.
But it's just good content to put out there for everybody that should like it.
I mean, there's no agenda here.
You know what I mean?
We're really not even in the comedy game right now.
We're in the VC game because you don't have to be a venture capitalist.
All you have to kind of be is a schizophrenic.
And my mother is a schizophrenic, which means I have just a certain amount of latent schizophrenia, which is that's real.
Like somebody said to me the other day, I'm like, yeah, Rogan and those guys, they have money.
Ron White, they have money, but I have real money.
Now, what real money means is my money, there's no cap to it because it's in my head.
So guys like Ron Wyatt or Jeff Donoham or Joe Rogan, their money is in the bank or in investments and there's an end to it.
Mine, there's no end because it's a creation of my own.
It's synapses firing in my head that aren't linking up with other synapses.
So I have as much money as I want to have.
This is the era of fake business.
I go on Clubhouse.
Everybody on Clubhouse is very successful and they spend 19 hours a day on Clubhouse telling you all the interesting projects they're working on.
They apparently don't have to actually ever work on any of those projects because they're on that app.
So we're in the VC world.
So it's not even, we're not even really trying to, you know, do comedy anymore.
We're just looking to work with founders.
Who are the founders of the company?
I want to know who the founders are.
What's the monetization strategy?
And who are the founders?
Where are the founders and what is their strategy?
And am I going to put my war chest of a zillion dollars again in here?
Everything's money.
So, you know, what you're looking at, that's an NFT right there, that sign.
That's a million dollars.
That sign.
So what are we talking about?
Money means nothing.
So we're going to do the best at Patreon episode.
What did you think of that restaurant last night?
It was amazing.
It was really good.
I was really impressed.
I was truly impressed.
I'm a little bit of a, I know what I'm talking about.
And I'm telling you right now, in terms of time food, they kicked fucking ass last night.
And I was shocked at how good it was.
I was ready to like say, hey, fuck this.
But I was really impressed by the quality of that.
One woman was throwing ravioli at the table to get Rogan's attention.
I thought it was Antifa, but it was just a woman who I think.
It's like Antifa is attacking him with carbs, which is really, that's what you would do to weaken him.
If you wanted to weaken him, you would tempt him.
You would throw carbs at him.
But it was just a woman that wanted to say hello to him.
Crazy.
We get recognized every now and then, but that guy is just getting recognized all the time, you know?
Which is crazy because I feel like we are more successful and more famous.
I've always felt that way.
I thought I was doing him a favor by going on the show, but apparently it really is the other way around when you look at the numbers.
Interesting.
And yeah, it was fun.
And Ron White came and Hinchcliffe and Fahim and you.
Lex.
Lex Friedman was there sitting next to me.
He's a very interesting dinner companion.
He's like a brilliant child that someone brought to the dinner, like kind of an awkward, brilliant child, like one of those children from like a, I don't know, like C.S. Lewis novel that just sits there and he's like, hello.
He turned to me and he goes, do you think you have a serious movie in you?
He goes, that wallet trailer, I liked it, but I didn't want the jokes.
I wanted the darkness.
I'm like, thank you.
And didn't he have a bite of pasta too?
Yeah.
These people.
They always talk about keto and then you go out with them.
I'm the only one that does keto.
I'm the only one that actually does it.
I'm the only one who works out.
I'm the only one who knows about fighting.
I'm the only one who knows about robotics.
Everybody else is kind of like, it's just, they're just spinning a yarn.
Just me and the Weinsteins.
We're the only people who know the deal in this world.
So if you're going to listen, listen to one of us, Brett, Eric, or me.
You know, we're the three that have been exiled from academia because you told the truth.
So, so enjoy the best of Patreon.
We have a guy coming.
We have a meeting at 10 o'clock.
How do you feel like this will go?
Should be good.
I'm looking forward to it.
Yeah.
Meeting at 10 o'clock.
TimDillacomedy.com, all the live shows.
Me and Dan are on the road.
And that should be a lot of fun.
Getting in little skirmishes here and there.
And it should be enjoyable for you guys to come out and see what we've got happening.
Thanks to everyone that's bought tickets and come to the shows.
We've had a great time.
We had a nurse get angry at me in Pennsylvania when I was performing in a tent.
A nurse got, can you imagine these nurses?
She took a night off the plague to come to a comedy show.
And then she got angry at me because I dared to make a joke about nurses.
And she didn't understand that jokes were not serious.
They were absurd things that are said to make fun, to make fun.
That's a stand-up thing I think recently talks about.
He's like, why would you make fun?
Like Stanhope, he has a whole thing where he's like, yeah, you make fun.
It's like, we're making fun.
So she got angry and she was sitting in the front row with her face all stern.
And she was like, I'm a nurse and people are dying.
Imagine having a job where you describe the literal fundamentals of the job as something that is completely alien to you.
I'm an air traffic controller and there's so many planes trying to land at once.
It's almost like my entire job is predicated on that fact.
That planes are trying to...
But can you imagine that?
The planes, not one, not 100, I mean thousands of these things in the air at once, trying to land on four runway.
I mean, who knew?
Who knew when I took this job that planes would land?
Who knew?
You had a nurse that's going, but people are dying and wait.
You're a nurse.
Right?
That's what I dare.
Is that what you do?
I know it's sad that people are dying.
And I tried to explain that to her.
Maybe we should throw in the thing now.
The video?
Yeah.
Yeah, I'll put it up right here.
We'll put the video up.
And here's the video of what happened.
A little angry.
I'm sorry.
You seem very...
This couple here.
You seem very...
Yes, you.
You seem very...
You were dragged here.
I get it.
You were dragged a little bit.
You're slightly disappointed.
What is it?
Some of the language?
You're a nurse.
Well, so here's the question.
Here's the question.
Why aren't you at work?
I mean, I know I'm just being very legitimate.
Okay.
Well, let me ask you, when you signed up to be a nurse, did you understand that at one time people might get sick?
Like, I understand as a comedian that when I say things, people can get mad at me, even though they're jokes.
I understand that.
In the same way that you would understand people would get sick.
Right?
Right.
I know, and it's very, very sad.
But there's all, I'm making jokes, and there's a lot of people that have been dying.
There's people dying because their businesses are closed.
There's people dying because they can't make any money.
There's people dying because they're suffering from drug and alcohol addiction.
There's people dying because they're alienated from their communities.
There's people dying because this government that shut everything down is not giving them checks.
And I know that's not your fault.
I know that's not your fault.
But I've made fun of all of that tonight.
I've made fun of all of that tonight.
It's not just about you.
I've made fun of everything that's fucked up that's happening.
Truly.
I've made fun of everything.
I've made fun of everything.
Everything, including myself.
I've made fun of everybody.
You know?
And listen, if I collapse up here, I want you to remember these are jokes.
So if I collapse, come up here and be a hero.
But I don't want you to be offended.
These are jokes.
You have to understand that jokes are to say ridiculous things so that people can laugh at it.
Nobody thinks, nobody's ungrateful for what nurses do, but these are jokes.
If they were serious, they wouldn't be funny.
Do you see what I mean?
Like if I was making serious statements, no one would laugh.
But because they are absurd, because they are ridiculous, they are jokes.
You know what I mean?
That's what it is.
And I know that people don't understand jokes anymore.
People don't understand jokes, but that's what they are.
They're just jokes.
They're not meant to be hurtful.
They're not meant to be rude.
You know, and I understand that you're probably offended.
And there is an internet.
And you can go to it and write a lot of mean things about me.
Humor vs Offense00:02:06
Many have before.
And they will again.
And that's okay.
But I'm sorry that you're offended, but these are literally just jokes.
They're just jokes.
Okay?
That's really what it is.
I mean, that's what it is.
They're jokes.
They're jokes.
You know?
Except the part about the nurses.
I'm serious about that.
My name is Tim Millen.
Thank you very much, everybody.
Thank you so much.
All right.
So you saw that video.
And now enjoy the best of our Tim Miller Patreon.
We're back in the studio next week where I don't even know.
I might be in Florida.
I don't know.
Might have to fly you down to Florida.
You people don't care where the show's from.
Who gives a shit?
Spend all kinds of money on this.
We never see it.
Put it on a sweatshirt.
It's an NFT.
But we might have to do it from the beach.
I need to go somewhere where there's a beach and I need to swim in the ocean.
I don't know if I'll be able to swim in the ocean.
Go to the temperature right now, the water in Florida, Tampa.
I need to go swim in the ocean.
I really am right now.
Looking at 69.
I can swim in that, right?
Yeah, you could do that, right?
It's a little cool, but it's not horrible.
I might have to just swim in the ocean down at Tampa for a few days after I get done with Houston.
And then I'll be back and I have a show in Austin at the Paramount.
I don't know how many tickets are left.
I don't know if there's any tickets left.
But what's happening now with all these shows is the clubs are opening up at higher capacities.
So check, even if they've been sold out, check a lot of these dates I have coming up in Denver and Miami and places like that, because what we're seeing happen is more tickets were added because we are at now a higher capacity than we would have been.
Now, the Patreon is not video, okay?
So we know that, I know that so much of the humor is in the way he says it and the moves in the hands.
Swim in Tampa Ocean00:15:28
Calm down.
A lot of the humor is just in what's being said.
So enjoy that.
You know, you could Google image me and put a photo of me in the Google image him and put photos of us up if you are upset that you cannot see us.
But I love the Patreon episodes.
I love audio only.
I mean, I love obviously doing the video too, but I grew up with audio only.
That's kind of the way I.
The ads will be video if you want to stick around.
Hey, the ads are video.
Isn't that nice?
All right.
Without further ado, Patreon.
Devin Costa and Ida are with me.
He's a very attractive girlfriend.
They've been car shopping with me.
We are attractive.
I know women don't want to hear that anymore.
They want to hear that you're...
I love hearing it.
Thank you.
Yeah, I know.
All the women want to hear now that they're going to be Margaret Thatcher or something.
And I don't even mean politically.
I just mean that they're all going to be accomplished.
But it's nice to be hot.
It's a nice thing to be attractive.
I don't know when.
I don't know how that got flipped somehow that that's actually not good or someone should notice that.
Don't notice me being attractive.
They've been out here car shopping with me in the desert for the past few days.
How many dealerships did we go to yesterday?
Like seven?
I think seven, yeah.
Yeah, and and and and we went to Beamer and Mercedes and Range Rover.
We just go to all these dealerships.
I don't really know what car I'm going to get.
I want to get a lease and I don't want to spend that much money, but I just am addicted now to car salespeople.
I can't quit them.
I want them all the time.
Yeah.
Because it's such a weird sale.
You walk on the lot.
It's like anything else.
They got to be your best friend within a minute.
They got to turn it on.
And some of them do and some of them don't.
Some of them just really don't.
No, the Range Rover people.
The Range Rover people act like you're doing the wrong thing.
They act like they're doing you a favor.
And now I'm trying to get a Range Rover and I have no credit and it's a whole problem.
And this desperate fuck who's trying to sell me the car.
First of all, I took a road test.
Think about this.
I went, I looked at a Range Rover.
I don't have a license.
The guy, the guy thinks he's selling me the car.
I got to tell him afterwards, I don't have a license.
I don't have a license.
So I got to take a road.
You know, this guy called his wife.
He's like, I got a good prospect.
He's interested.
His friends are here.
They love the car.
And, you know, he went and told the sales manager.
He's like, hey, Bob, Bob?
Bob?
And he's like, Alan, what?
Alan, what?
I can't take any more money off.
He's like, no, no, no, Bob.
I got a guy.
I got a prospect.
He's just got to take his driver's test.
He goes, Alan, will you get the fuck out of the office, you fucking piker?
He's just got to take a road test tomorrow.
That's it.
But he's good.
Bob, he loves the car.
Bob, I did good.
Alan, why don't you go home and cry to your wife?
You know, he went home and he sat with his wife, and his wife's like, so you think that you're going to get any of these off the lot?
And he's like, I got a guy.
I got a guy.
And then he's like, but he's taking a road test tomorrow morning.
And she goes, she probably just looked at him and goes, Jesus Christ, Alan.
Jesus.
So now fucking.
Alan looks like he's going to kill himself.
So Alan looks like he's going to kill himself.
So we go into, because I'm too fat for every other car.
I've sat like nine of these cars.
They're like wedging me in with plungers.
It's crazy how small these cars are.
They're all for Europeans.
They're all for Europeans.
This is the fattest country in the world, and very little is made for fat people in the high end.
It's like, or even the mid-end.
This is not really that high-end.
It's whatever.
But it just says it like Rolls-Royce or whatever, but it's like a nicer car.
And a BMW, you have to buy the sedan.
Like, I can't fit in anything but the old dentist sedan, which I don't want.
It's the only thing I fit in.
I can't fit in anything else.
Imagine me and Ray Cump in like a mid-sized BMW.
I mean, it would be absurd.
You'd have to get the jaws of life to get Ray out just if we went somewhere for lunch.
Listen, call the fire department.
I want a taquito.
So Alan, I'm like, all right, we're going to do it.
We're going to get the fucking car.
And Alan, first of all, Alan, you know he's in trouble for this.
He puts sold and my name on the car.
I don't have a license.
And my credit, I have one credit card for $800.
Alan puts sold on the car.
You know he's being reamed out for that.
Like they take him in the back.
They go, you're coming before you're even inside of her.
You got this guy's name on the car.
This fat fuck doesn't have a license.
And he has no credit.
He's talking about Patreon and ad revenue and that he just sold out some shows in Dallas.
What are we doing here, Alan?
Alan, we're trying to deal with real rich people.
And I'm fucking, so he puts sold on it.
We go back, like, you know, I give them all the credit information.
And then, you know, here's the way I live.
I just give him the information and I go out and have a butt.
And I know what's coming next.
Like, I know what's coming next.
And by the way, it ain't the keys.
It ain't the keys.
This ain't a rap video.
Nobody's throwing the keys.
Like, hey, partner, drive it off the, I know what's coming next, and it's a lot of pain.
So Alan comes out and he goes, hey, you've never had car credit.
I said, yeah, the last car that I had, I bought cash.
I spent $10,000 in 2007 on a 1999 Chevy Suburban, the one from Patriot Games or Clear and Present Danger.
I called it the executive vehicle.
It's the one that Harrison Ford drove.
A woman named Gloria at Suzuki 112 and Patchog sold me it somehow, somehow.
Oh, I think I got a loan for that.
They got me a loan for that one, I think.
Now that was repossessed.
Okay, but I don't want to go into that, but that was repossessed because I remember the towing company called me and they go, it's going to cost, you have so many liens, you have so many problems, so many tickets, you're going to have to pay a certain amount of money to get this out of Hawk.
And I went, congratulations.
And they said, what?
I said, on the purchase of your new suburban.
And I hung up the phone.
And then I just didn't have a car for 11 years.
For 11 years.
Hey.
So the problemo is that, so then Alan walks out.
Alan, at this point, looks like his son was just killed in Iraq.
He's going, hey, we got.
He goes.
So then the manager comes out.
The sales manager comes out.
He goes, all right.
He goes, I just did a deal for a Russian gangster who just like, he just paid all the lease payments up front.
I go, well, that's not going to happen.
So how about we, well, let's pretend we're dealing with a non-Russian, non-gangster.
How would we do that?
Like, he's trying to be cool.
All these car guys try to be cool.
Yeah, I just did a deal with a Russian gangster, and he just sold a house for $28 million.
And I'm like, hey, hey, hey, none of that.
Calm that the fuck down.
Take that testosterone down.
Put a finger in your ass.
Stimulate your prostate and get in touch with your femininity because none of that hardcock shit is going to happen right now.
I don't know what movie you saw where you think I'm going to throw a bag of money at you and drive like, what are you, you know?
You better let your wife fuck you tonight.
You understand, Alan?
You're getting fucked tonight.
Tell her to put on your strap on.
Tell her you're trying something different.
Say, I want to get fucked and come from my prostate tonight, honey, so I can better understand how to put together this deal.
So the sales manager goes, hey, I'm going to work real hard on this.
They didn't hire me for my good looks.
And I'm like, they didn't hire me for my good looks.
And Alan goes, they didn't hire me.
And then we just both look at him like, well, you shut the fuck up, you fucking piker.
You fucked this whole thing up.
I shouldn't even be here.
So now Chase is Land Rover Financial is like run their bank as Chase.
So he goes, well, you have an account at Chase, so this should be easy.
I'm like, I actually think it'll be much harder.
I would prefer the bank to never have met me and have no idea who I am, what my spending habits are, or that I even exist.
So then Alan's trying to get the deal.
My business manager, God love him, you know, he tries.
He really does try.
And, you know, this is not, this is not, this is not a shark, right?
But he's also representing me.
He doesn't have a lot to work with, right?
So he's calling these.
It's the hopeless here.
I mean, it's just a bunch of hopeless people.
It's the three Stooges.
It's the Three Stooges on a conference call trying to put together this deal that I'm not.
But I'm into it now.
I'm like feeling it.
I remember the, because this is the mortgage days.
I used to go and go, listen, man, I got a real good, like, I remember I was trying to, Howie, who I talk about a lot.
Howie was one of the most cutthroat and cutthroat meaning dishonest and immoral people I'd ever met, but he was also very bad at sales and didn't know anything about the products.
He was completely uneducated, but only succeeded by his ability to lie in circles.
Like, if you ever met somebody who lies in circles to the point where you have now bought into some of their lies and you have to help make some of their lies true unless you're a liar.
It's actually a great strategy.
If you lie so much and get people to believe it, they are now investing.
They're like, well, I can't go down with the ship.
We got to somehow write this wrong.
Figure it out.
Howie used to do that all the time.
Right?
So, how he used to try to refinance these homes that were called modular homes in like South Carolina because he would call up these retards.
No offense if you live over there, but not everyone there's a bright.
We would call up these people and they own modular homes, which means it was driven down the highway on a flatbed truck and put in the dirt.
Now, modular has a foundation, it has a concrete slab, and it has a foundation.
So, now Howie would also just try to refinance double wides that could be driven away, and the bank doesn't want to lend the double wides because you could just say later, hey, this didn't work out, I'm out of here.
So, Howie would then lie and say it's a modular, and it's clearly a double wide.
And then, Howie would then claim the borrower lied to him.
And then the sales manager, so he'd go in, he'd go into the office, he'd go, Listen, he goes, I got a good one.
It's a modular, it's on a foundation.
I've done all the homework, don't worry about it, it's all fine.
And then they would find out, they'd send the appraiser out.
The appraiser would go, This is a double wide.
And Howie goes, This is not a fucking double wide.
I'm telling you, these people are honest.
And then the people don't even know what they live in.
Like, the people don't know what they live in, right?
They don't know the difference.
They have no idea.
They're more honest than he is.
So, like, and I used to go in with deals that could never get done.
I would walk in, you know, with some shitty deal, and I'd be like, hey, man, listen, you know, they want a half a million dollars, but they've paid back.
They have a Kmart card that they've paid back, and it's got $1,200 on it.
And they've paid that back every month.
And they'd go, the sales manager would go, all right, we'll try to get it done, man, but this is not, this is nothing.
This is literally nothing.
So that's what Alan is, that's what Alan's doing.
He's like, this guy's a comedian.
He's on the Joe Rogan show.
And they're going, Alan, I swear to Christ, if you don't bring a real buyer in here, I swear to Christ, Alan, we're going to put you on the street.
And he's like, no, no, no, this guy's in a Joe Rogan show.
This guy's a comedian.
He's funny.
And they're going, Alan, I swear to God, this is the third.
God only knows who walked in there before me, like who he walked in before me, you know?
And so this poor guy is trying.
I mean, we're trying to put this together.
And we're going to find out tomorrow.
You know, at the end of the day, like, he looked into the exhibition.
Like, Alan looked at me, looked at you guys, and goes, I can't tell you we're going to get this done.
And this is not even fake business.
I want the goddamn car.
He goes, I'm not going to tell you we're going to get this done.
He's like, well, we're going to try.
We're staying extra late tonight when the banks open up tomorrow.
That's fun.
Because the bank, by the way, the banks aren't even involved yet.
The bank, think of all the problems we've had.
The banks aren't even in it yet.
They get in it tomorrow.
Like, they're probably talking to some underwriter or some processor, and they're like, hey, got a guy.
He's got the money.
His credit sucks.
He wants a lease.
You write it off, whatever.
But I feel bad for Alan.
I hope this comes through because of Alan.
I hate Alan.
Why do you not like Alan?
Alan sucks.
He should have, he was not a good car salesman.
He was the first place we went to.
He did nothing.
He comes out.
He's already out of breath the second he walks and sees you for the first time.
Right.
Doesn't offer you anything, nothing.
But you know, you.
Ida loves it, cappuccino.
She wants to really get.
We're in a luxury car dealership.
Yeah.
Devin made a good point.
He's like, he's like, what do these people lose by putting in a fucking coffee machine?
Yeah, I mean, Navigator gave you a cappuccino.
He did.
People who Lincoln Navigation.
Much nicer couches.
But then you made a great point, too, about how when you have a certain level of money, you don't need any of the shit.
The guy looks at me at Navigator.
He looks at me.
The guy goes, they call it the land yacht.
I wanted to turn around and look at him and go, I have COVID.
Everyone.
They call it the land yacht.
I wanted to look at him and go, hey, man, I just tested pasta for coronavirus.
Nobody at Lincoln wanted to show us the cars.
They were just handing it off to like a car.
Dude, we called my aunt.
My aunts worked at like four car dealerships.
They've all fired her.
She didn't know anything.
I'm like, so tell me what kind of car to get.
She goes, I don't know about BMW.
She goes, what's the middle one?
I'm like, do you know anything about your business?
Do you know?
I said it's the five series.
Do you know anything about your business?
She goes, yeah.
She goes, well, they fired me at Mercedes.
She goes, they're good cars, but they fired me.
And now she's working for Jaguar.
And she goes, they're going to fire me too, I think.
They just fire her because she doesn't know anything about the cars.
She doesn't know.
None of these cars.
And then there's this sad little guy in Bentley.
This sad little British car is like, hello, Mr. Dylan.
And I'm like, I'm giving him the number I could pay every month.
Bentley Kid Car League00:02:17
He's like, well, you can't, Mr. Dylan.
There's no way that's going to happen.
I'm like, I know, but is there any way we could just finagle it?
And he's like, Mr. Dylan, it's not going to happen.
It's a different league.
He keeps telling me, he's like, it's a different league.
It's Bentley.
I'm like, yeah, I know.
And I know it's completely unrealistic.
I'm not getting a Bentley, but I've been there like three times in the past week.
So I'm like, is there juicy anyway?
He's like, I'll arc you as a person.
It's like, I'll arc you.
This is how crazy it is.
It's like, I'll argue as a person.
But he's like, I can't.
He's just this little emaciated, small guy.
They all suck so much ass.
I mean, they all sucked.
Tommy BMW was cool.
He was cool.
He was cool because he's like, hey, hey, I got pulled over my Hellcat doing 100.
He goes, hey.
He goes, hey, I had my kid in the car.
Like, none of them care about anything.
So I had my kid in the car.
The cops know who I am.
He said, what are you doing?
I said, well, I'm trying to go home.
Doing 100.
So what?
I said, the BMW 7 series is big.
I'm like, it's the only one I fit in.
But people say it makes me look too old.
You know, if you buy a car like that and you lease a car like that, he goes, hey, fuck him.
I bought a Cadillac Eldorado when I was 24 years old.
Like, all right, Tommy.
Well, that's.
He kept telling us to take our masks off.
He's like, please, take your mask off.
Dude, Alan, Ben, tell us what Alan said.
We're sitting in Alan's office as he's putting together this doomed deal.
I don't know you guys' politics, but you Republicans or Democrats.
Because I listen to O-A-N-N.
Yeah.
And I go, they got suspended on YouTube.
He goes, yeah, because they tell it like it is.
Yeah.
By the way, they got the platform for, I think, pumping a fake coronavirus cure.
They're selling an elixir like gypsies outside of a tent carnival.
And they got deplatformed for that.
So that's where they're at.
He goes, you watch one of them.
I thought it was like a joke.
Like, he's like, you watch One American News Network?
I'm like, everyone's full cue.
He's like, Q.
This is our retarded he is, so I'm trying to curry favor with him.
I go, I go, hey, Todd just texted me from Sherman Oaks Bentley.
Can't wait to meet you.
I'm like, I'm not coming.
I can't afford it.
I cannot afford this car.
So then this guy goes, yo, you watch One American News Network?
And I just said, I've had Candace Owens on my show.
I wanted to try to curry some favor.
Deplatformed Fake Cure00:05:29
Let's chop a little bit off the price.
We give Candace a platform.
Even though she's got 3 million subscribers, dummy, she's platforming me.
I'm not platforming her.
Is anyone think with their fucking brain?
Anyway, she gets more views on a fucking Instagram live than my show.
Whatever.
Whatever.
So we tell him that he goes, I've heard the name, Candace.
Like, he doesn't even know who he is.
Like, she's too mainstream for him.
He's like, no, if it's not on, if it's not on OAN, which Rogan called the QAnon network, he's like, because a guy like that comes home all day tired from not selling Range Rovers and needs to watch OANN to buy the fake coronavirus cure.
You know, he's ponied up some money for that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Noen days, you just need to lift your head a bit.
Take an Stratos, then!
The lightest chocolate milk chocolate.
The chocolate chocolate is your favorite.
With a fill, without a fill, or with caramel, a cake, a nut, and all.
We break the sending.
Wait, it's been a mistake.
Sending is actually the whole thing.
Pro-Fracts are working for the company to the Norges led by the Fraktavtals.
So we don't break the sending.
We can't do it.
Sendinga.
Uansett, tilbake til sendinga.
Og husk provfrakta.
Du har en ny beskjed.
Hei Lars, Daniel fra Joka Buland der.
Du sa at du ventet et lass med barnebarn i Borshjø.
Tror du vil synes at det passer med et lass med Ukasjoker, som er et utvalgt følelse for å gilde, friord, pinstbrotten og lei videre til minus 40%.
Vi snakkes.
Joker, den gode naboen.
Some fucking die, dude.
My dad once, this is going all over this episode, but my dad, my friend Melanie realized this.
My stepmother almost died.
She ate like chicken that almost killed her.
And when my dad retold the story to me and my friend Melanie, we're standing in the driveway.
You could see the peace in his face.
He was so ready to not be married anymore.
And then he was like, Yeah, and then our neighbor saved her.
But he said it with such regret.
He's like, Our neighbor saw her and saved her.
But my dad's like, but we almost lost her.
She could have been gone.
And the peace in his face when he said she could have been gone versus the horror of the neighbor saving her.
I mean, my friend Melanie knows.
Let's see if my friend Melanie's awake.
She's probably not, but she knows it was better than anybody.
My friend Melanie was there for this whole thing where my father was literally like, oh my God.
Because you know, he was married for most of his life and then he's got divorced and he goes, I'll get married again.
And then you start realizing halfway through the second match.
You go, I don't, what am I doing?
I could just be single.
Right.
What's going on?
How are you?
Pretty good.
Listen to me.
What's up?
So you're on my podcast.
I wanted you to tell the story real quick if you can.
Remember when my father told us my stepmother almost died and he was so happy?
Well, there was some guy who saved her.
I think his name was Miloto or something like that.
And I remember your father, like, so he's, you know, your stepmother's almost dead.
And this guy named Miloto, a neighbor like that, came over and like saved her life.
And I remember your father gritted his teeth when he mentioned this guy's name.
He's like, and then Miloto came over and saved her and brought her and brought it back.
And he was telling me something, bro.
His teeth like gritted.
And it was like, you know, I'll never forget your stepmother, man.
You can make a podcast out of her.
She's a real bitch.
Now, because we're kind of trashing her on this episode, because I've had about enough of her.
She said today, I showed my father the FaceTime at a house.
You know, she says, she goes, How did somebody who never made any decision, any right decision in his whole life, end up there?
It's like, shut up, you cunt.
But remember the horrible dinner she made for my birthday?
Remember that?
Yeah, that was the bold cold cuts and shit like that.
It was the worst.
It was the most embarrassing display of food for any occasion ever.
She's a horrible.
She was like, isn't that good?
I'm like, yeah, I love deli food during a celebrity.
Yeah, we love, we love, we love road.
Thanks for the lunchables for birthday.
She's a disgusting person.
I know, right?
Yeah, Oscar Meyer, special.
I mean, she's a repulsive witch.
I think he's failing.
Remember that with the dog?
Yes.
Like, you know, your dog, your dog's dying, like the dog you've had for years.
And she said, I think he's failing.
And your dad was like, you're failing.
That's what he said to her.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Christina goes, I think the dog is failing.
That's the way she speaks to human beings.
That's the way she talks about living things.
She's very uncomfortable.
She prefers death.
Like when my uncle Carl had late-stage brain cancer, she went to the house to be around him when he died because she prefers death to life.
Weren't that house they got out in like Huntington?
Yeah, it's the witness protection program.
Boomer President Failing00:05:49
Yeah, it really was.
I mean, you know, I mean, your dad's funny.
I remember like, you were like starving.
You were practicing like living on the street.
And he got you a coat.
He says, I got you a coat, son.
And it was that blue coat with like bird shit on it that he ripped off some dock worker somewhere.
Yeah, he found like a home.
It was a coat that was literally from a homeless shelter from Goodwill that had that had bird shit on it.
And he gave it to me.
This is his wife, when she moved, they got married in 11th grade.
I was in 11th grade.
And she tried to convince him to take me out of Catholic school.
I was dragged to Catholic school, kicking and screaming, Holy Trinity.
And then she goes, take him out in his senior year.
Now, by the way, the school that I would have gone to was Lakeview, which is a school of old gang members.
And then I went to summer school there once.
It was this Italian woman, Miss Ruisi, who used to take her tit out and breastfeed her kid in the back of class.
So that's where my stepmother wanted to send me to school to like dane to school from dangerous minds.
And my grandfather had to step in and pay the money.
So like this woman was always like, let's get rid of your kid.
True.
Right out of Cinderella.
She really is like, you know, you could put a picture of her.
Actually, I should go into Wikipedia and upload a picture of her to stepmother and just like your average stepmother face.
I mean, you know, just laugh.
She basically isolated your dad from everybody who he cared about.
It's very true.
She took him away from his friends.
She took him away from his friends.
And so they moved into some little bungalow and now they're selling that and they're moving to a bigger house up the block.
They're just in that era of life where they're bored and they need to shuffle things around before the end.
Yeah, no, it's true.
Baby boomers either get around 70, they start to get bored and they like to just buy stuff because they have money or they die.
That's really what happens.
You're a student of the boomer.
What is it about these Long Island boomers?
They are fascinating people.
What is it?
What is it about them?
They're fascinating to me.
They literally get anything they wanted.
They're used to it.
They got everything they wanted.
I mean, Trump's the last boomer president.
It's true.
Obama was a fake boomer president.
Obama was more Generation X, even though he was born in 61.
But Trump was the perfect example of what happens when a boomer is president.
Right.
That's what happens, folks.
You know?
Yeah.
What do you call it?
I could go on and on about boomers.
I mean, you know, a high school diploma, you own a house at the age of 20.
You know what I mean?
It's unbelievable.
And they're always aggrieved.
They're always aggrieved.
Like when you speak to them, they act like nothing went right and they suffered for it.
Like I remember when my aunt was talking about COVID, my aunt Donna goes, she goes, you know, I just, I want everyone to stay inside and put masks on.
She goes, because you know what?
I want to travel.
Because she goes, I deserve it because I've worked hard my whole life.
I'm like, and the way she said it, then I realized I'm like, everyone's worked hard their whole life.
Yeah, everybody's worked hard their whole life.
You know, not all of us get like a new car when we're 18.
You know, I mean, my mother got a new car when she was 18.
By the way, she worked at a place called the Farmer's Market, and she managed to save up enough money to buy a brand new car when she was 18.
Now, I have never bought a brand new car, and I've like worked like a slave my entire life.
Right.
So my newest car, I just bought my newest car from 1995, the truck.
It's like all rusty.
What'd you get?
So it, I had to get a pickup truck because I'm like, I'm almost full of hillbilly at this point.
I love it.
The gun rack in the back window is the next thing.
You better get the guns, man.
We better all get the guns because fucking, I'll tell you right now, Biden and Kamala, man, I don't know what they're going to do, but I'd feel a lot better with an arsenal.
Yeah, actually, what you would call it.
Well, you know what?
This would be funny is that all the gun stocks, like Smith and West and everything like that, took a dive after Biden won because people were like, all right, well, we won't have to get like military gear to deal with riots.
I don't know if you noticed all the riots have disappeared all of a sudden.
You know, you don't see a lot of Republicans, you know, you don't see a lot of Republicans rioting or anything like that.
Biden, and I just, you know, they gave him a softball interview today.
I'm constantly watching him waiting for him to gap or something like that.
It'll be fun.
You know what?
The country will go back to sleep and that'll be good.
Yeah, I mean, I agree with you there.
I think it's very possible the country just goes back to sleep.
But I think this is what these people want.
When you see them all out cheering and dancing and stuff, even though supposedly, according to them, there's a huge pandemic that's killing everyone.
And then they go right back out to dancing in the street.
It's like, oh, are you people on crack?
I mean, what was the last time you danced in the street about anything?
Never.
Never.
Maybe scoring drugs and stuff like that back in the day after waiting in my car for an hour.
Yes.
I mean, we're deeply childish country.
How childish?
Forget it.
I know, right?
It's what?
Like one old, a 78-year-old man wins the presidency and everybody's in the street dancing, sneezing on each other, you know, this disease and everything like that.
It's like, go in your house.
Yeah, go in your houses and celebrate in shame like all of us should.
Right.
There's no more shame anymore.
There's no more, you know, nobody has any shame.
Everybody's addicted to having friends and all these disgusting.
It's disgusting.
If I see somebody over the age of 30 and they have 20 friends, I go, that person is severely mentally.
If you have more than five friends over the age of 30, you're severely mentally ill.
Fat Guy Weight Loss Podcast00:14:23
Totally.
And it's because they were always bullied when I was accused.
I don't even have these friends.
I'm like, give me a, who was it?
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Like, who didn't get a wedgie when they were like 10?
Right.
By like some teenager.
I had a teenager one time.
This guy didn't robber.
He grabbed me and my brother.
We put into the truck in his car.
And he drove around in the freezing weather for like an hour.
He dropped us off at a place we had no idea where we were.
It was like a kid.
It's technically with a kidnapping.
And this guy later died at 9-11.
I'm not kidding.
He's on the 9-11 Maharaj.
He became a sock smoker and he died at 9-11.
Every time I see his photo at the memorial, I say, yeah, I know that guy.
He packed my brother and I to the back of his board batter.
I could drop around for an hour.
Well, you get what you give.
Melanie Angler, you are the best.
Do you want people to follow you on social media?
I always give people, you're a human being.
So I always give people a choice.
Tell people where they can follow you.
I'm on Instagram, Melanie Angler.
Yeah.
Melanie underscore angler underscore.
Yeah.
That's about it.
Y-E-I-H.
Yeah.
I mean, I'm going to do a podcast right now.
I don't even want to talk too much about it, but I'm into this podcast.
I got to talk a little bit about it.
We've just been avoiding talking about an hour.
I know.
But it's like, here's the thing.
I get into, like, I don't get into a lot of content out there, but there's a podcast that has no views.
If you go to YouTube, it has one view, two views.
I'm the only one.
I feel special.
I'm the only one consuming this content.
And it's a guy who's like 500 pounds who does a weight loss podcast out of Long Island.
He's like a comedian.
And every episode is he just talks about what he ate.
Literally, and he just goes, yeah, I stayed on my plan today.
I stayed on my points.
I, you know, today I had an omelet and are you doing a weigh-in tomorrow?
And it's not funny at all.
Like, he's a really fat guy, and he does a weight loss podcast.
You'd think there'd be a lot of opportunity there for, you know, levity, you know, comedic, you know, nothing.
I mean, just nothing, just dry, just kind of like he's talking to a friend.
Like, and then he goes every now and then, he's like, hey, the live podcast is postponed due to Corona.
And I'm like, the live podcast?
You're going to do this live?
Like, you're going to sit there live and tell people about your weigh-in.
It's like the craziest.
It's the craziest thing.
And I knew this guy a little bit.
Like, he wasn't a nice guy, so I don't really care.
But I'm also like, if you stumble upon what this podcast is, don't shit on the guy or whatever.
This is just what he does.
I'm not shitting on him.
It's just fascinating to me that someone, he just does.
And I'm a fat guy.
Like, I get wanting to lose weight.
And if I, you know, when I try to lose weight, I talk about it.
But like, this guy just, it's every episode.
It's very dry.
There's no humor.
And he just, like, he had one guy on.
He had one guy on.
You got to play that, Ben.
Can we find a way to play that?
Well, then they'll be able to find it.
I don't think we should play it.
Sounded anyway.
But so he has one guy on who's like a health.
Now, by the way, he brings out like a health food guy, like a natural food chef.
This guy's 500 pounds.
Can we stop with the natural foods?
Like, just like, don't let the perfect become the enemy of the good here.
Okay.
So he has this natural food chef on and he goes, hey, man, so what started eating healthy?
This guy launches into a 10-minute tirade, this natural food chef, about that he used to shit 50 times a day and he had Crohn's and his skin was bad and he had rashes and his friends were dying.
His friend died of stomach cancer at 40 and the other guy doesn't.
And then he and then the natural food chef goes, and listen, man, you know, I used to eat.
And then this, the guy who's hosting the podcast says nothing.
He says nothing.
He's just going through tragedy after tragedy.
Like I've never heard it.
And the host of the podcast doesn't say anything until the guy goes, you know, and I used to eat like shit.
You know, I like donuts and maple bars.
And the host of the podcast goes, who doesn't?
That's all they say goes, who doesn't?
This guy has just detailed one of the craziest things I've ever heard.
Just everyone he knew died.
He just, he like, he was failing at a school because he just kept shitting.
And apparently it was because of his diet.
And this guy hosting the podcast is just like not even aware of what's even happened.
Like it's just, I can't listen to anything even remotely good.
So like when people ask me, like, what do you listen to?
I'm like, I try to find like the worst things to enjoy.
Like the worst, like to understand.
Like I need to be constantly befuddled.
Like if I understand something, I'm almost out immediately.
Like I get it.
Right.
Like I'll enjoy it.
But like I'm not, I'm not a freak.
Like I like funny shit, right?
But I am a freak because like I salivate when there's a new episode of this podcast.
Yeah.
I'm like, this is my podcast.
And literally, if you look at the views, I'm the only one listening to it.
I'm the only person really listening to this podcast in the continental United States.
And every now and then he'll come out and he'll be like, hey, we're number four in health and fitness podcast in Cameroon.
So I want to thank everyone in Cameroon for listening.
I'm like, Cameroon?
Like it's so crazy.
This is going to be all over the Reddit.
I don't know what to do.
I mean, whatever.
I mean, whatever happens, I just, it's more viewers, right?
Than the guy gets.
Like, is it, is it, it's more listeners than he would get.
It's more listeners than he would get, right?
I just don't understand.
Like, I don't understand what he's doing.
And I listen to it and I'm like, is this a call to a friend you should be having?
Like, he's putting this out as a podcast.
It's so bad that it's, I can't stop.
It's so bad it's good.
Like, it's so, so bad.
Like, he'll be like, yeah, I can't wait to go back to the regular Weight Watchers meeting with Sheila.
Sheila lost 50 pounds.
You work real hard.
Sheila worked real hard.
And I'm like, why can I not stop listening to this?
Why can I not stop?
He goes, he says about Thanksgiving.
He goes, you know, some people make a plan for Thanksgiving.
He's like, I'll tell you what I do.
I eat.
He goes, I eat on Thanksgiving.
I make it a day.
He goes, the family's there.
He talked about that he was too fat to watch his nephew.
And then apparently people started letting him watch his nephew.
So he's like, I know I'm turning the corner.
And I'm happy about that.
Again, you can't put this stuff out as a comedian and not expect people to have a reaction to that.
Like, it's, I'm happy he's not watching his nephew.
It's just a crazy thing to hear.
And I'm happy he's losing weight.
Like, I'm not hating on it.
Of course.
But when he's talking about being too big to watch the nephew, and now he's like, now I can watch the nephew because I've turned a corner.
And he's lost like 200 pounds.
God bless him.
He was always a dick to me and to everyone else when we did comedy.
But I still, I want no ill will.
I want this show to like be bigger because it's my favorite podcast.
No, it's truly my, it's, it's truly like the only podcast I listen to a portion of every episode.
I've gone back to the archive.
I'm shocked by it.
It's shocking.
And maybe it's like one of the greatest things ever done.
It's just, there's never an attempt at humor.
And it's just a serious, solemn accounting of his weekend losing weight.
And I'm like, there's nothing even remotely funny about this, but yet, this is how cheap and hollow comedy is.
I would so much rather go see his live podcast than 99% of anyone that I know.
To sit in a room and hear him do that, just sit on a stool and be like, well, today I was even on the scale again.
And sometimes you go, you know, I weigh in naked.
He goes, maybe this is TMI, but I weigh in naked.
I'm like, own it.
Don't tell, there's no such thing as TMI.
Put it out there.
But it's so strange.
I mean, what are your impressions of it?
You've heard it.
It's so tragic.
I mean, It's tragic, but listen, my life is tragic.
Everything's tragic.
I mean, listen, my life is tragic.
Not coming out of clouds until I'm 25.
I mean, listen, I have a rough life.
Like, I mean, not now because I'm making money and everything.
And I get to do what I love.
I'm not trying to get on a whole thing here.
But, like, I don't see myself as less tragic than him.
I mean, I guess whatever.
Now I am.
But, like, I come from tragedy.
I come from a sexless, loveless life for the majority of my life, like being ashamed of who I am and all this time.
I mean, I'm not trying to play the fiddle here, but I'm not trying to shit on someone else and go, your life is tragic.
I mean, I've listened to the podcast.
It ain't great, but that's his.
It is.
But can you use a different word than tragic?
It's like, it's funny.
Not everybody gets to be a good-looking golfer and falls in love with a chick in college.
Some of us have problems.
It's like when I listen to it, it's like it's like funny to your bones.
Like, it's the way he just deadpan delivers the minutia of his life from every way.
It's either he doesn't know what he's doing or he's an underappreciated comic genius.
Yeah.
In a way, and I don't think it's choice B, but I don't know.
But I will tell you this: I laugh on that show.
He's not trying to make me laugh, but what he's saying sometimes is like brutally funny.
It is.
And I think if he knew it was funny, it would ruin it.
Yeah, it would.
He's like an Andy Kaufman type thing.
I don't know what's going on.
I just know.
I don't know if this means anything to him.
I have an audience of hundreds of thousands of people, and you are my favorite podcaster.
It's true, though.
It's my favorite podcast.
It's my favorite podcast.
I think it's very funny.
There's a brilliance to it that I don't know if he understands or that I'll ever understand.
He had his sister on, and she goes, Ben with there anyway.
He has his sister-in-law, and she goes, He goes, You know, I'm not really losing.
She goes, You're eating too much food.
He goes, But you don't understand.
He starts to get mad.
Again, there's no comedic bone.
Like, he's not going back at her in a funny way.
She goes, You're eating too much food.
He goes, No, you don't understand.
He goes, A lot of those times I'm under my points.
Like on Weight Watchers, they have the points.
He goes, You don't understand.
Like, he goes, A lot of those days, when you look at the points, I'm actually under-eating.
And she just shoots him a look.
She goes, You don't need the pancakes and the eggs.
And the he goes, but no, no, no, it's under my points.
And he goes, I'm under eating.
He's arguing with her that he's under eating, and he's like 400 pounds.
And she's staring at him.
And to me, it's some of the greatest comedy I've ever, I've truly ever seen in my life.
Yeah, yeah.
Like, I've never seen, like, you have a 500-pound guy arguing that he's under-eating, dead face, straight face.
Like, not a scantilla of irony, not a joke, not a moment of levity to be had.
And he's getting mad, and you can see it, and you feel the tension between both of them.
And to me, I'm like, there's this is real, this is funny.
This is what I like.
You can wind up and throw all kinds of jokes at it.
I don't give a fuck.
But there's something about a big guy going, you don't understand.
I'm under eating.
That's the problem.
If there's any problem, it's that I'm under eating.
Yeah, it's like a Christopher Guest sketch almost.
Yeah, yeah.
So I'm just saying that's my favorite podcast.
Do that, do it, do with it what you will.
So the king of comedy and that, those are my favorite podcasts.
I'm not attacking the guy.
I enjoy it.
I just, he's a, he's kind of a nasty guy.
He admits that he's a nasty guy.
He says I'm kind of a prick.
He's a prick, but I like that he kind of owns that.
And I think the show is actually very strange.
So if you listen to this, you find out, figure out what it is, which you all will in 30 seconds, probably, you're going to be like, why does Tim like this?
But then maybe you just don't understand the wave link on.
Because I think it's funny.
I mean, I just, I think it's funny.
I was just waiting for you to talk about it.
I had to talk about it.
I'm making Ben listen to it now.
It's so good.
It's so good.
I mean, no, every week, I want to know about the after Thanksgiving weigh-in.
All he took.
By the way, I don't think he's mentioned the pandemic, the race war, the civil war, the economic collapse, Donald Trump.
It's just weight loss.
Every week, you would think that he would just go like, hey, those riots, huh?
Just an aside.
But he never does.
He just stays and he just does that stuff.
He goes, you know, if you believe it, it can happen.
He goes, you just got to put in the work.
And it's like, I don't know, man.
Every comedian is tragic, right?
We're all tragic.
That's the whole point.
And then when there's comedians that aren't tragic and they're, you know, whatever.
It's like, is that, I don't know, it's never the comedy I've enjoyed, right?
Doesn't mean like you could see a really good-looking comic and you could be like, oh, what is it?
Why does that guy have to be funny?
That guy's got it all.
But then you meet them and you go, oh, they're tragic.
They're like deeply tragic.
They can't feel.
It's horror.
So I don't, not ever judging anyone.
I guess I am a lot, though.
But what I'm saying is, take this for what it is.
Understand what I'm saying here.
This is my favorite podcast.
Every Comedian Is Tragic00:04:09
I love it.
I love it.
I'll be driving in the car and I'm eating a filet fish.
I go, I wonder how many points this has.
And he just goes on.
He goes, yeah, you know, this week, I'm down 0.02, which I don't even know what that means.
Some like fraction of a pound, 0.02.
Okay.
It's like a fraction.
He goes, but we're still down, but I wanted more.
And next week I'm going to have more.
But again, nothing not like, it would be so easy to throw in a joke.
I think that's what's interesting.
But he doesn't do it.
And I almost like that he does.
If he tried to be funny on this thing, I would hate it.
It would be like, I can't even do it.
But the fact that he's just day in and day out, just doing it, I respect it.
I like the show.
And maybe he hears this or something.
He thinks it's like an attack.
It's not an attack.
I'm confused, but I also enjoy it.
And I think it's awesome he lost so much weight.
I mean, it's incredible.
Yes.
Yeah, it's a lot of weight.
I mean, all the disclaimers here that we can make.
My point is that when I hear the show, I don't know what I'm listening to, but I can't stop listening.
Now, if that's bad, you don't understand what good is.
Because if I'm not stopping listening, I was going to buy one of the meal bars that sponsors him.
He's also sponsored by a deli.
I was going to go there, but it's in New York.
But my point is that if the test of anything is just that I don't turn it off, it's hard for me to turn off.
I don't like what he has guests.
Sometimes the guests are really good.
But I like.
Him solo.
He's just got to go solo.
He's just got to do it solo.
This is the type of, these are the type of podcasts I really enjoy, like podcasts that shouldn't exist and do.
Because what a podcast is, just somebody with a mic going, hey, here it is.
Here it is now.
This is what we're doing.
I mean, they're so bad.
Dude, so many podcasts are so bad.
I mean, they're just bad.
Because these are the same people that wouldn't know.
It's like there are people out there that are really under the impression they're attractive.
And I guess that gets them asked because people like confidence, right?
Yeah.
But then there are the people that are under the impression that they're interesting.
That gets you nowhere.
Like, if you can't hold someone's interest with what you're saying and you think you can, that just gets you me.
That just gets you me as a fan.
Because I want to like just, I want to know why what this is.
Because that to me is fascinating.
I like authentic and real, and there's nothing more authentic and real than this podcast.
There's nothing in it that should happen.
There's not one choice made that's the correct choice.
But here's the thing.
How many podcasts fail miserably making all of those right choices, right?
Right.
So no, no comedic choices are made that are correct.
But that being said, now we're getting into what makes it truly great because it's crazy.
It's not, I couldn't even call it bad.
It's just, I don't know why it exists and I can't stop listening to it and I don't want it to end.
I want him to lose enough weight, I guess, where he doesn't have to do anymore, but I can't not listen to it because of the severity and the seriousness.
And he's not like an unfunny guy.
Like he's not the funniest guy, like at all.
But the choices he makes to not be funny at all, I think it's phenomenal.
I think it's absolutely, I think it's kind of brilliant in a level that no one would appreciate outside of me.
Listening to AA Meetings00:09:02
That's why I am the view.
He puts out an episode that has one view.
I am the view.
Every time I get mad when there's like four views, I'm like, who are they?
This is for me.
He refreshed it twice.
Someone hit it by accident.
And then I'm the view.
My average listen is the whole episode.
Oh, I do the whole episode.
Sometimes I do it in bits.
You know, I'll be rocking out in a car and then I go, let me give 15 minutes of him.
And then I go back to music.
And then I go back to listening to something I did to see if I use the word um too many times.
And then I go back to him.
And he's talking to somebody from his Weight Watchers group.
And I'm like, I'm like, I don't know why.
Maybe I am a fat guy.
I get it.
I get how hard it is to be a fat.
I mean, it's tough, man.
It is hard to lose weight.
It's difficult.
I'm trying.
I've been trying.
I think if I really focus, I could pull off like 40 pounds.
I'll never be thin.
There's a certain time in your life when the six pack, like, you got to give that up.
The people go, no, you can still have, hey, shut up.
Hey, hey, hey, go preach that shit with Gary Vee.
I don't have the time.
I do real fake business.
But I do want to survive.
I'm a godfather to a kid now, you know, and I mean, Dan.
But no, I'm a godfather to my friend's son.
And my friend and his wife, let's be honest, they're degenerates.
I'm going to have to raise that kid.
I mean, these two are like, and I respect them, but they're animals, you know?
Oh, yeah.
I mean, they're animals.
And I want to survive because I'm like, this kid, I want to do the right thing and be able to help the kid out or whatever.
And like, so you want to lose weight?
Like, I got to get healthier.
I got to survive.
This COVID shit makes you think.
You're like, yeah, man, I gotta.
I gotta pull together.
So, as a fat guy, I know.
Let me light a cigarette as I say that.
I want to survive.
I just want to throw me the lighter.
But as a fat guy, we're going to go long here.
We're going to go a few minutes longer, folks.
I'm sorry.
We're just going to have to do a little longer for your $5 or $20 for the Rothschilds.
Remember when that daily show cunt Jenna Friedman was like, ah, it's anti-Semitic that you have a Rothschild ski.
I'm like, bitch, will you shut up?
She said that?
She made some allusion to it on Twitter.
I'm like, bitch, no one thinks that all Jews are the Rothschilds, Jenna.
That's absurd, okay?
That's like thinking all comedians are you as I light my Marlborough light, which I think is not bad for you.
But I do, and please don't.
I don't have Patreon on my phone, so I don't really know what your comments are.
I can't because I'll fight with you people all day.
I can't be involved.
And I won't get anything done.
It's not even that I don't feel that you're worthy of fighting.
I just call, I won't get anything done.
That's why I don't go on things.
I just won't get anything done.
And I'll just end up fighting with everybody all day.
That's like, well, why didn't you say this?
I'm like, I did.
Listen to this.
Like, and at a certain point, but I've hired a trainer who is dead of COVID.
Now that is sad.
No, but I'm trying to get it together.
So as a fat guy, when I listen to this podcast, I get it.
I get the yo-yoing and the bullshit and the going up and down.
You do keto, you lose 30.
You look a little better.
You start going at the ego.
Let me get a handful of calamari and I look good.
You could hook up with an attractive person.
If I hook up with an attractive person, the day after I hook up with him, I eat like you have no idea.
I mean, I just go, okay, got that in.
Now let's really abuse myself.
And I just eat like, you know, bad.
So I know what that feels like because you can't get rid of food.
You can get rid of drugs.
I got rid of drugs and alcohol.
So like, but it's just so funny to do it the way he does it.
Where it's like deadly serious.
I like it so much better.
God, don't ruin it with jokes.
Don't ruin it with jokes.
And listen, if I'm the only fan, let me be the only fan.
It's a better fan than so many.
Don't have 2,000 fans that are nobodies.
I am a big podcaster, and I'm telling you right now, this is my fucking show.
That's my show.
That podcast is my show.
When he comes on and he starts talking, and he's got a guest on talking about somebody's asshole bled, and some guy's bleeding out of his asshole all day, and that's why I decided to stop eating Doritos.
That's my show.
Because it's so crazy.
Like, Patricia Neil had a good point once.
He's like, it's funny to say, I'm dying from sugar.
Yeah, yeah.
It's like funny.
You know?
But it truly is one of those things where it's like people struggle with their weight their entire life.
And then my mother was overweight.
People don't understand what it's like to struggle with your weight, go back and forth.
You were a little chubby when you were boozing, but you did.
235 at my biggest, yeah.
When I cut the booze, though, I lost like 30 pounds.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But that is, that's big.
235 is pretty big for you.
Yeah, because I'm 180 now.
185?
Yeah.
So, yeah.
But I think my biggest, I was like 340, 330.
I was big.
I was big.
And it's like, it really is tough when you are somebody that just goes back and forth.
But I listened to this podcast and I'm like, there's just nothing better out right now.
There really is.
There's just nothing better.
When he goes, he goes Thanksgiving, he goes, I eat.
He goes, Thanksgiving.
He goes, I eat.
I make a day of it with the family.
I get there early.
They're cooking.
I eat.
It just takes over your life.
That's why I stopped going to AA.
And I'm not telling anyone to stop going to AA, by the way, if you go to AA.
But I went to AA for a while, but I also got to a point where I go, do I want to sit in a room and talk about booze for the next 40 years?
The answer is no.
And by the way, that's not what AA is.
And I'm not trying to delegitimize AA because I think it's great in the beginning and for many people throughout their entire life.
It would not hurt me to go back to meeting at all, ever.
It's good.
But, you know, I got to a point with it where I went, you know, AA has got a 5% rate of success, meaning that I think 5% of people stay in it.
I think it's got a much higher rate of success when you look at how many people have utilized important skill sets, an important skill set or a knowledge base from that about themselves.
And then they just move on.
And it doesn't mean that there means you can move on.
You don't have to, you know.
But I moved on because I'm like, I don't need, and that doesn't mean if you're in month two of sobriety, it's time for you to move on.
Don't listen to this podcast.
Well, it's time for me to move on.
But I got to a point where I go, didn't you go to an AA meeting once and you're like, it's super depressing?
Well, it reminded me of church.
Everyone had the crosses and they're praying.
I did that for 21 years.
It just irked me.
Right.
Yeah.
It was upsetting.
Yeah.
It was really upsetting.
Here's the thing about an AA meeting.
When you go to one, you better make sure you're done drinking because drinking won't be fun.
It'll ruin drinking for you.
If you're just a casual drinker that's maybe drinking a little too much, don't go to an AA meeting.
If you're an alcoholic like I am and like Ben is, you know, it's good to see.
You can't ever drink again.
No, no, never.
No.
No.
And at the AA meeting, you know, I saw people that got sober really late after they've lost everything.
They've like, I lost my house, I lost my family.
And it's like, Jesus Christ, it's heavy.
It's really heavy.
It's heavy.
They've lost it all, but it's still good to be sober.
Yeah.
Those people dying sober is a gift.
To die sober is a gift.
You know?
And I mean, I'll die sober.
I will never drink again.
I'll never smoke pot again.
I'll never, I don't really want to do psychedelics or shrooms or DMT.
It doesn't, I had my time for that.
I had my time.
I, you know, I don't need to go on ayahuasca retreats and all these fucking losers in L.A. that are, I'm sober.
I used to have a joke in my act.
I still do, but I just did a joke I do in LA where I'm like, it's LA sober.
If you ever ask anyone who's sober in LA, they're like, yeah, I'm sober, man.
I'm not drinking.
They're like, I still smoke pot a little bit.
I do shrooms and Xanax.
I was on an ayahuasca retreat.
I'm a shaman, actually.
I lead them, you know, and I'll take pills every now and then, some painkillers, some barbituits, a box and methadone.
I have a card.
I go to the clinic, you know, and heroin, you know, intravenous, though.
You know, I don't snort that shit.
I just, I do heroin.
You know, there's nothing wrong with heroin, really, other than the, you know, withdrawals and the addiction.
But, you know, clean needles go down to the needle exchange.
But I, you know, but I don't, I don't drink beer.
I'm not some drunk.
So, yeah, I mean, I don't want to plug the podcast because I've said only nice things about it, though.
Baywatch Fat Kid Confidence00:10:16
That's the thing.
I've only said nice things.
So I feel, I don't know what we've got to find a rug outside for this fucking.
I've only said nice things about it.
And I wish everyone the best.
I hope he keeps losing weight.
I will keep listening to him.
Yes.
I love New York.
I don't want it.
I'm just, in terms of pure comedy, there's nothing funnier than a 120-pound white kid from Vermont tweeting that we don't need cops, just getting raped to death on the Williamsburg Bridge.
Here's the problem.
There's nothing funnier than that.
I think what's going to happen is like those people will leave.
And like the New York that sustained all that violence was like actual people who lived here.
It wasn't like people who came here to be a clown and then bounced as soon as Applebee's clothes, whatever the fuck.
Well, there was a lot of people that came here to be artists that just stuck it out.
They were tough back in the day.
But me and you always talked about you're going to get all that violence and all that poverty and none of the art.
Dude, you get none of it.
My boss was saying when Trump got elected, he was speaking to the company going like, hey, you know, this is not great, but it might be the silver lining might be that we're returning to an age of great art, punk and fucking this.
Not one fraction of that came true.
Not one thing.
For all turbine on both sides, both sides, neither, and there hasn't been a time in recent decades when both sides have been this amped up and felt like, you know, whether you feel like you're a white supremacist or feels like your country's slipping away or the other people.
I mean, no one's made anything of substance on either side.
It'd just be great to bring these guys back and like bring Duke Ellington back and go, put your horn down.
Just hand a microphone.
Go, what'd you do today?
He's like, what?
Like, this is what we do now for eight hours every day.
He goes, what are you talking about?
Go, that's the only way to make a living now.
What do you think?
What do you think about things?
Takanta goes, I just want to play the fucking, you know, whatever, the A-Train or whatever.
I don't know what he's fucking.
You know, we're like, no, no, no, just talk about your wife.
What about your wife?
Talk about your wife's pussy for three hours.
He goes, what?
It's just like, you want to talk about art?
This is the collapse of art in such a total and absolute way, you can't even imagine it coming back.
Can you imagine if someone did make a seminal work of art right now?
No one would give a shit.
Who would appreciate it?
World morons.
Like, there's nothing.
I mean, can you imagine one of these random movies that Amazon produces for like, you know, just streaming on Prime with the next godfather?
We wouldn't even know it.
Who gives a shit?
Yeah, we'd be like, this sucks.
This thing sucks.
I want to watch Cobra Kai season four.
By the way, I'm really excited for the season four of Cobra Kai because people are like, it's too white.
I can't wait.
I just hope there's a third.
There's got to be a fourth dojo now ran by like a morbidly obese black chick who's like, y'all want to learn karate?
Y'all want to learn karate?
And they're like, who's this?
And they're like, this is Shamika's dojo.
Shamika's like, yeah, like, I love karate.
And the show is already pretty diverse, isn't it?
I mean, like, it's got a lot of different races.
Not enough.
Not enough.
I thought the problem was because there was no, like specifically that there was no Japanese main character.
No, no, no.
The problem is that Lizzo isn't running a dojo.
The problem is that they haven't injected a storyline that makes no sense and is completely not grounded in reality and is laughably cartoonish.
You know?
It's Ray.
It's like me and you saying there's not enough fat people in Baywatch.
We're fat.
We don't want to watch fat people in Baywatch.
What the fuck's that?
Like, you want to watch lifeguards be hot and save people.
It's like a crap.
I never watched Baywatch.
I went, but there's no one that looks like me.
I think it could have helped you, though.
You could have been...
Think about how much more confident you would be if there was a fat kid on Baywatch who looked like you.
I mean, but that kind of confidence would be so destructive.
You know?
By the way, you're right.
And that kind of, I could see of no way to getting to be a true sociopath than if I grew up watching fat kids on Baywatch jump around in the water.
I mean, I would be a, I'm pretty confident now for like no real reason.
The idea that if we just watched fat whales frolicking on a beach, can you imagine what monsters we would have become?
I don't even know what.
I don't know where this ends, honestly.
It's like, yeah.
The kids just like, who, who's looking at, like, when's the, when did the answer become like mainstream culture?
Like, wasn't the whole point of like everything we learned even in school was like, oh, don't, look, don't follow the, like, when you jump off a roof, would you jump off a fence or whatever cliff?
Like, yeah, you jump off a bridge.
Would he do it?
Yeah.
And it's like, wasn't the whole idea to be an outspoken person?
When did we start going, like, if you're, if you're not represented by corporate, like, things that we use to sell French fries, then somehow you don't matter.
Like, that's the weird.
That's like a bizarre angle of it.
I get, like, I'm not an idiot.
I get the other point.
Like, yeah, if you don't grow up seeing, you're black and you don't grow up seeing black people.
Yeah, I get that to a point.
But at a certain point, we're just like asking who can sell fucking shrimp fest every year.
But it's also like, it's just like, what did we grow up and what?
Like home improvement?
We grew up and watched an idiot go like, I like tools.
Like, there was no, no, no, like, what did I learn that I could be an idiot?
Like, did you?
All I learned is I'm going to get cucked by my wife every week.
Yeah.
We're going to learn that I'm going to have a show called Tool Time about saws.
I don't understand the Drew Carey show.
I could be some fat idiot with some, like, I don't even know what he did.
Like, I don't even know.
Like, what were these shows supposed to inspire us to even do?
I don't even know.
He wasn't some random company.
I don't know what, but then he and his friends in season four or five started their own like, you know, micro brewery or something, and they would just make beer with caffeine in it.
And it's also like, dude, it's like Roseanne.
Like, most shows we watched, the families were like fucked.
Yeah.
Like, Roseanne's family was fucked.
They were forced to crown and had no money.
They tried to start a loose meat restaurant.
Remember that?
Yeah.
It's like, yeah.
It's like, wait a minute.
What did we learn from watching Roseanne that you could work in a diner and eventually and eventually like fall for QAnon?
Like what exactly was the great lesson from all these what like I guess you had to go back to like family ties, Alex P. Keaton?
Like there was like a few shows where like they were but like Mr. Belvedere.
Isn't it better if it's just Jay-Z and Beyonce?
Like isn't that better?
Isn't that like a more kind of more concentrated like deluding it?
We believed all kinds of shit like Mr. Belvedere.
It's like, oh, I guess I'll get a butler one day.
I guess my parents will move some fat British pedophile into my house who will teach me.
Why do you want to pay that guy?
What was the story there?
Why are they pooping?
I think it just fucked the kids.
I mean, it's like everything we grew up with, it was like Mr. Belvedere, some dude just, by the way, the house wasn't even like that big.
They clearly weren't that rich.
They just had this middle-aged British man.
That's the thing.
He clearly wasn't there like normal.
It wasn't a normal thing he'd be their butler.
It was like, he was just like living with them.
Like different.
Or Harry and the Henderson.
It was like legit rich.
Harry and the Hendersons, where it's like, oh, Bigfoot lives in the house.
Like a Sasquatch lives in the house.
Like, would any race have been better if there was a family that adopted a Sasquatch that lived with them?
Like, it's just when you unpack this, you're like, what exactly did you want?
Like, step by step, that blended family with Suzanne Summers and Patrick Duffy on TGIF where like that the whole family hated each other because it was from just this weird divorce.
It was all tragic.
You treated like a drink.
I truly am.
I'm trying to remember like the shows.
Yeah, where like they were there.
That show, they were probably cheating with each other before they got divorced.
Like those kids probably hate the other one.
Yeah.
It was a broken home.
Step by step.
It's like, that's what you say to drug addicts who are trying to get clean.
And then there was like the shows like Friends where it's like, yeah, you could live in New York City and be a failed actor and live in a big apartment and earn no money.
And like all these unrealistic, horrible shows that like doomed us to failure.
Right.
They're like doomed.
Friends made it cool to have like nine roommates into your 40s.
That's a great point.
It's actually the most destructive thing is seeing yourself on reflected back.
It's the worst idea.
Asians didn't have it.
They're doing great.
Like they're doing great.
They didn't need to be an Asian version.
A friend with seven Asian losers that can't do, they can't fucking remember to get milk unless nine of them go to the...
What is this?
I just don't understand.
It's when you unpack it, you're like, maybe the worst thing in the world is that we saw ourselves on TV, right?
Dennis Franz in NYPD Blue.
I too can be a fat racist cop.
Good.
Thank God.
Beverly Hills 90210.
Like, yeah, like, oh, that's realistic.
I can be hot and 35 and play a teenager.
Worst Asian Apartment Idea00:06:41
Like, I can be in a high school.
It's like, well, no, he's none of that.
Like the real world and these other reality shows.
They're growing up watching reality shows and getting onto reality shows.
Like, there's a cycle of just like, and then they have a kid and they get diabetes.
I don't know how it ends, but it's like, it's just, it really is already like a dystopian fucking novel.
It's fucking, it's grotesque.
Yeah, I mean, it's like teen moms and it's like 19th season.
Yeah.
They're not even teen moms, but they're like 46.
It's just like crazy.
I don't know if I can remember to have this kid.
You're a lawyer.
What are you talking about?
Yeah.
We went to go look at apartments today just to see them.
And, you know, who knows?
I think I talked about it on the main show.
It's like, maybe the move is an apartment.
So we went to this building in Santa Monica, which is a real Citri City.
Century City, real high-end building, just to look at it, see what's going on over there.
Really hot woman walks.
You know, first of all, when we walk in these buildings, like Ben walks in first and they're like, hello.
And then I walk in.
I'm like, hello.
And they're like, oh, they're like, are you?
And I'm like, I'm the decision maker.
And they're like, right, okay.
So then they're all like, well, I guess we, by law, have to show you these things.
And I'm like, correct, correct.
So we go on a tour of this apartment.
The woman looks at me.
She goes, we have a gym.
You don't need to see the gym, right?
I'm like, no, I believe you.
There's a gym.
So then she goes, you get free complimentary breakfast.
It's like when you're a fat person, you're just treated like this all the time.
She goes, there's free complimentary breakfast.
She goes, it's a continental breakfast, but she goes, we also have hot food.
Because of COVID, we don't have the hot food out.
But she goes, don't worry about it.
When COVID's over, we have eggs and bacon and bagels and locks.
She does that for no one else, by the way.
And it's like, they're slinging really expensive apartments.
It's just hilarious that the sales point is bagels.
He's like, we got locks and bagels and eggs.
You like that, you fat fuck, don't you?
You don't have to see the gym, right?
Because we don't want you dying in it.
So we have big bowls of eggs.
We have a butler service.
They'll bring the eggs right up to your apartment, shove them down your fat gullet.
And you're like, okay, Ben, by the way, they're like, you want to see the gym?
You want to see the lap pool?
With me, they're like, here's a nice room where you can sit.
Here's a theater.
We have a screening room.
So you can sit here and you can reserve it and just sit in here alone so you don't have to be outside with other good-looking people.
We know that makes you nervous.
So you could just lock yourself in our screening room for three hours and cry.
How about that, fatty?
We've rented to pigs like you before.
We know what amenities you really want.
The first thing they start telling me about, she goes, you have a butler service that brings the food to the unit.
This is literally the first thing out of her mouth.
She goes, we have a butler service, so the food comes in, and then the food goes to the butler service, and then the butler servant brings it up to the unit.
So you don't have to do anything.
You don't have to leave your unit and have everyone see you storming downstairs like an angry rhinoceros trying to find out where the Pokeball is.
They just put it, they open the door and they just shove it right at you.
She focused on like the health center for literally one minute.
She's like, here outside, here are our chairs.
Here's the seating area.
You like sitting, don't you?
So then we're walking around.
She's showing us the units.
Some of them are nice, but some of them are whatever.
I mean, these are apartments, right?
Every modern new apartment is the same thing.
Every single one.
And if you want to read the best criticism of architecture and urban planning that is out there right now, A.A. Gill, who is a travel writer for the Sunday Times of London and Vanity Fair, Scottish guy, who wrote some of the best articles on steak, on cities, on travel.
He was politically incorrect.
You know, like I think he said once, he's like, Korean, is this yours must-have Asian?
You know, like he just said things like that.
But he was a brilliant writer.
And he wrote one of my favorite articles ever written.
It's called Condos of the Living Dead.
And it is great.
And it is really about the new high-end.
And I'd never been in one.
I mean, I've lived in New York City for years.
I had really, really never been in like a high-end apartment building.
And I'd never had the sales team, the woman, the hot chick, lead you around the apartment and show you all the amenities.
And I wanted to do it.
And one of the reasons I wanted to do it is because I love that article, Condos of the Living Dead.
And he talks about it.
And I mean, it's just so good.
I mean, do you have an option?
I do.
Oh, you have it option?
Did I read some of it?
I mean, it's one of those articles that is so pitch perfect when they talk about the people that sell you these apartments and everything like that.
I want to find the part of it that I really like.
And again, I would just recommend that you read it.
But it's so funny.
And he talks about how all this is about lifestyle, which is the word that they all talk about, right?
It's all about lifestyle.
And he talks about it.
And he really, some of these lines that really, really get me here about these things.
Salespeople haunt the empty apartment, spinning a life made of brush steel and 12 shades of Indian marble.
After a time, the repetition of this lifestyle blends all the apartments into one apartment.
They all have minute, $100,000 kitchens that no one will ever toast more than a bagel in, which is just as well because there's nowhere to sit and eat anyway.
There are hardly any dining rooms, even living rooms.
No, New New York style has a great room, a place to plug in your laptop, prop up your flat screen, suck Starbucks, and surf soapy Asian babes.
The bedrooms are for solitary fear and chemical unconsciousness.
They seem to contain just enough oxygen for a single night's sleep.
These apartments don't have space for a family or dogs with hair or lives that involve more than the passive absorbing of electronic stimuli and emails.
So that's really the brilliance of the article.
You've got to read the fucking article.
Steve Bing Balony Story00:11:39
But this chick comes out and she's hot.
Persian, good looking, not an extra ounce of fat on her.
Black hair, decent skin, really good skin.
Something going on on the forehead I wasn't completely in love with, but it is what it is.
They're an oily people, Persians.
Are they not?
I don't really know.
But Ben was like, oh, like Ben, you know, is a Christian boy with a wife.
So he doesn't really, you know, but he noticed how attractive she was in like a boyish way.
He kind of noted, I mean, she was an attractive woman.
The high hills, the clicking and the clacking.
Yeah, it was very, very, very hot.
Ben was like fighting with himself.
He's like, wow, this is, I'm having thoughts that Jesus doesn't like.
But this woman was hot.
Now, of course, I don't give a shit.
Doesn't matter to me.
If she pulled out a big hog, it would have been interesting.
Like if she sat on one of these countertops and started jerking like a fat eight-inch cock, I would have been like, this is kind of interesting.
And then she could have serviced both me and Ben in different ways in one of the apartments.
It would have been great.
But she didn't do that.
We're walking around.
We're looking at these apartments.
And listen, if you know anything about 10,000 Santa Monica, there's really only one question I want to ask.
And the question is: where did Steve Bing jump from?
Steve Bing, friends with Bill Clinton, Ron Burkle, used to hang out with them.
Hollywood, what was he?
Screenwriter, producer?
Screenwriter, producer.
Yeah, he hung out with Rob Lowe and all those guys.
He hung out with all those guys.
Rob Lowe, who also lives at 10,000 Santa Monica.
And Steve Bing jumped to his death because he was broke.
Who knows?
Or because maybe he called Bill Clinton.
He's like, we've done a lot of bad things and I just got to get some of them off my chest.
And, you know, Bill Clinton made a phone call.
He was like, hey, man, this is just not the same Steve we knew.
And that's probably the code in those circles for like he needs to go.
Yeah.
It's just not the same Steve we knew, man.
Steve calls him crying, going like, I can't believe the things we've done.
We're going to burn in hell for it.
I just got to get him off my chest.
And he's like, no, no, don't worry about it, Steve.
Listen, you're a good man.
You go to bed.
And, you know, and this sales bitch, this hot sales bitch, probably fucking turned off the cameras and let the fucking Mossad in there to throw him off the balcony.
And she'll do the same thing for me.
But I said to her, I said, Can we ask you an inappropriate question?
She's like, Of course you can.
I think she was, she might have been down to fuck.
She was down to fuck, Ben.
She would have let me watch.
She would have said, listen, pig, you sit in the corner of the room and diddle yourself while this man fucks me.
She would have absolutely been into that.
She would have said, we know what you're going to get out of this.
You sit in the corner and watch him fucking beat up my pussy on this fucking tiny little kitchen island with a great view.
Everybody can come.
Now, don't touch me, pig, but everyone can come and then rent the apartment.
But of course, I wasn't pushing that.
I just wanted to know where Steve Bing jumped from.
I said, and she goes, oh, I'm not going to tell you that.
And I said, okay.
And she goes, do you really want to know?
I said, yes.
She goes, the unit you're in right now.
The unit she was showing us on the 27th floor is where Steve Bing jumped off the Juliet balcony, which means you can't put furniture on it, but you can just stand on it, look outside, and jump.
And she's like, this unit right now.
And I'm like, really?
And she goes, yep.
And I was like, fuck.
And I looked at her and I said, well, at least he got a view of the Pacific while he was doing it.
And she looked at me and without missing a beat, she said, you can also see all of downtown.
She was just perfect.
Perfect.
Absolutely perfect.
You can also see all of downtown, not missing a beat.
She goes, yeah, Steve was a good guy.
I said, yeah, people have problems, you know?
So we're standing there in Steve Bing's apartment.
And by the way, that is how fucked Steve Bing was at the end of his life.
He lost all this money, and I didn't realize it.
He lost so much money that some podcaster might rent his apartment or is at least thinking about it.
What a nightmare for Steve Bing.
How bad was it?
The last indignity that a podcaster would rent that apartment.
And maybe I would kill myself in the exact same way.
What if I took that apartment and killed myself in the exact same way that Steve Bing did?
Then it would just be the apartment where everybody dies.
We call this the suicide suite.
Tim Dylan threw himself off it.
Before that, it was Steve Bing.
Ben's so funny.
Ben's such an innocent kid.
He goes, maybe we could, you know, maybe you could try to get some money off if you bring up the Bing thing.
And I'm like, yeah, they'll rent it to just some Chinese person who has no idea who he is.
Or they'll rent it to the guy that killed him.
She'll look at me and she'll be like, well, you shut the fuck up.
I'll rent it to the guy that killed him.
She's like, I pushed him.
Wouldn't that be great if she looked at me and I said, yeah, man, people have mental problems.
She goes, I pushed him.
She goes, there was a bag of $100,000 in my car that day.
I knew what I had to do.
There was a seven-minute span of time.
The security cameras were off.
And I went up there.
I took my top off.
I said, Steve, I want to fuck.
And he said, yeah.
And I said, yeah, fuck me up against the, right up against the Juliet balcony at the window.
And then she just turned around and pushed him off somehow.
Imagine she hears this.
Like we go back in.
She's like, so someone I know is a member of your Patreon service.
And you did an episode saying that I killed Steve Bing.
I fucked Steve Bing to death off the balcony.
And I'll go, well, this is how I this is how I make a living.
You did tell me all about the Continental Breakfast, did you not?
What did you think of the building?
I mean, it's a nice building.
Beautiful building.
Beautiful building.
We did confirm it is Steve Bing's room, though, because he did jump from the 27th floor, by the way.
So that is our.
Bing-a-ling.
That is 100% true.
Bing-a-ling.
But they do everything.
What if I didn't stop saying that?
I was like, bing-a-ling.
Bing-a-ling.
They do everything for you.
They literally will wash your car.
They'll drive you to the airport.
They'll give you a free car if it's in a three-mile radius.
And they will turn off their security cameras and let the Mossad kill you.
She goes, you don't even have to kill yourself.
We will literally throw you off the balcony of your building at the behest of a crime family like the Clintons.
Don't worry about it.
Don't worry about it.
One phone call.
You're out of here.
Supposedly his girlfriend had killed herself a year before, and then the quarantine was getting to him back in June.
That's what I've been reading about it a lot today.
So it's a combination of he was broke, the quarantine was getting to him, he was coming off on the anniversary of his girlfriend overdosing on Xanax she got from his Palm Springs home.
Yeah, well, these people, by the way, a lot of these people are living lives and they're in the shit that you don't know what they're doing and you don't know why people are ODing or why they're killing themselves.
And maybe it's just because if you have that kind of money, everything sucks.
Maybe that's it.
Maybe he just secretly wants to storm the Capitol.
Like, maybe that's what all these rich people want when they kill themselves.
They're like, I just want to get sucked into something that makes me want to storm the Capitol.
I don't know.
Maybe they're just like, I want to fucking, you know, they're like, I'm sick of being the target of QAnon.
I want to be in QAnon.
I don't know.
He had a career.
He had a run in Hollywood.
What did he do?
Tell the people what he did.
By the way, this is our R.I.P. Steve Bing episode.
It will be titled R.I.P. Steve Bing.
How great would it be if I rent the apartment and Steve Bing just appears every night to me?
And he's like, listen, you fat fuck.
You know where the window is.
We're both kidding ourselves if you think you're going to be here more than two months.
So he wrote Kangaroo Jack.
That was his solo thing he wrote.
Well, that was a stunning.
It was a total failure and an embarrassment, was it not?
Total embarrassment.
He should have been thrown off the fucking balcony for that.
The last thing he did.
Oh, so he just.
How great would it be if they were just like, this is for Kangaroo Jack?
And then threw him off.
This is for Kangaroo Jack.
So he also, he co-wrote Conair, which that's impressive.
That's a good movie.
It's a great movie, man.
The last thing he did.
Conair.
So the last thing he did is he.
Where the convicts take over the plane.
Oh, wow.
Right?
Yeah, yeah.
Interesting.
Interesting.
Why'd you say wow?
Well, there's a connection there, right?
Well, Conair, let's just go with it, right?
Conair, the convicts take over the plane.
9-11.
The terrorists take over the plane.
See, this is if I was a QAnon guy, that's all I'd have to say.
That's what's how lazy conspiracies are right now.
All you would have to say is that, and people would just start nodding and go, fuck yeah, man.
The super chat money just starts coming in like a shit.
They just start throwing you the cash.
I'm like, I made that connection.
I made that connection for you.
Pay me.
So the film that he had produced and flopped was the, I think most recently, the rules don't apply.
It's the Hughes biopic directed by Warren Beatty.
Betty?
Warren Beatty.
Beatty.
Man.
Get it right.
Warren Beatty, because of fucking legend.
Sorry.
Stick Tracy, motherfucker.
I think.
He used to fuck Madonna, Warren Beatty.
Really?
Yeah.
So he used to roll around with James Kahn and Rob Lowe in the 80s.
He was part of the, they called him the rag tag.
Yeah, whatever it was.
Things were good.
Yeah, things were good.
Things were good.
He had things were good.
And he was hanging out with Bill Clinton.
Mick Jagger.
And Ron Burkle, and they used to have a plane called Air Fuck One.
Yeah.
Where they would take people on it and fuck them.
And I'm sure everybody on that plane had their license checked.
So Steve Bing, Hollywood producer, screenwriter.
I think he was good friends with Tom Hanks, too.
He threw $100 million into Polar Express.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
I don't know.
Good friends with Tom Hanks.
Who knows?
I don't know.
Isaac Cappy said a thing about Tom Hanks.
Right.
And by the way, like I said, if it was all true, folks, wouldn't shock me.
Wouldn't move, would not, like, I haven't seen any evidence that it's true.
But if it came out that it was true that Tom Hanks was part of some Hollywood super secret pedophile cult, I would be, I would go like this.
I go, huh, yeah, well, interesting.
Wouldn't shock me.
After doing the Hootuk Johnny episodes and talking to Nick Bryant, nothing would shock me.
I just still, nothing shocking you doesn't mean that you just run out there without any evidence and accuse people of literally the most horrible and heinous activity on earth because it somehow helps Donald Trump.
I mean, it's the craziest way.
It's the craziest reason to free the children because it helps Donald Trump, by the way.
Wedding Speech Words00:11:11
And how many of these people are going to just not care about kids after this?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, after Trump's out, they're not going to care about kids anymore.
They're going to be like, well, I hope those kids are free now because I don't give a shit.
They go, if I can't bash this over the head of liberals, if I can't own the libs with saving kids, I ain't into it.
I'm going to save kids just to get the other side back.
They're just lifting the kids out of the tunnels.
Now, you realize why we're doing this, right?
You realize where we're doing this?
Good.
It's so we can deregulate the energy markets for Exxon.
We need enough political clout so that Donald Trump can go deregulate energy markets.
That's why we're pulling you out of these tunnels.
We actually didn't give that much of a shit before and we won't after.
But I want to go in heavy to Roblox tomorrow.
It's going to be a massive.
What is your version of going in heavy?
You're getting paid too much.
Like 500 bucks.
Men's paid $30 a month for this show.
What if I didn't pay you any money?
Like the Patreon's like so much money and I just didn't pay you any money.
No matter what I pay him, it's never enough.
The wife goes, you know, it's not enough, Ben.
I'm going to give them a real good Christmas.
My goal is to have a wedding coming up.
And where are you doing it?
Like a taco truck, right?
No, in Green Hall outside Austin.
Don't tell people where it is.
People show up.
What are you serving?
You're serving like baked beans and sausage links, hot links?
We're going to have the bluebell cherry vanilla as dessert.
That is good.
We're going to do some jalapeno poppers from a local restaurant.
We're going to do barbecue.
We're going to do brisket.
We're going to invite Dan.
It's very small.
I'll ask Katie if there's room for Dan.
Yeah, yeah.
Sure you will.
Yeah, sure you will.
So what are you having?
You have an bluebell ice cream.
We're going to have brisket.
What's the main course?
Do we get a main course?
Barbecue.
Oh, nice.
What's the cocktail hour?
You got a little shrimp cocktail?
We'll do some.
I'm sure we'll have wine and beer.
We're not going to do liquor, but wine and, you know, probably Shiner Bach, Lone Star, Texas beer for the people.
Okay.
How many people are coming?
About 60.
Wow.
Yeah, pretty small.
That's kind of big.
Is it?
Did you invite Devin and Ida?
I mean, I told them that I would invite them, but I didn't want them to spend the money on a plane ticket because I knew they'd be put out on the whole thing with the traveling.
You're at a point where you have to fly people into the wedding.
Especially if I got married too, I'd have to pad to fly people in.
I have to fly my family in.
They have to fly them into the wedding.
I'll fly him into a fucking, it won't be a wedding.
I just want to get married so I could make a mess of it.
Like, I would love to have a wedding just so I could relapse on drugs and drinking an hour before.
And that's kind of funny if you think about doing this as a bit.
Now, I know it would ruin your life maybe, but it'd be a great bit to relapse an hour before and just be drunk and just be like screaming at your wife.
Do you love me?
Do you really love me?
And then you look out at the people and you go, fuck all these people.
They don't matter.
Do you love me?
Like, that's what I want to do.
Want to get real like sauced up before I marry someone?
And then I go, Do you love me?
Do you look at me?
Look at me right now.
And I took the priest is going, Well, I don't know if I'd have a priest, right?
I'd probably get a priest.
Those pedophiles, they'll marry a couple of faggots.
I go, Hey, will you shut the fuck up?
Like the priest is like to have him to hold and go, Hey, you shut the fuck up for a minute.
And I grab the person and go, Do you fucking love me?
Um, that's that's what now.
Is there going to be speeches?
Do you have the best man?
Like, how does it work?
Uh, so we're doing it a little bit different because me and Katie are already officially married and we had to change some things around.
Uh, so we're not doing like the actual boring church pews wedding.
Yeah, we're doing something totally different.
Okay, but but people can give speeches and we'll be dancing and stuff, but we're not doing like the formal like at the altar, you may now kiss the bride type of thing.
Who's gonna give a speech?
Uh, my brother will give a speech.
Oh, nice if he, you know, he comes.
And now, who else will give a talk?
Um, uh, Katie's uncle, I'm sure Katie's dad will as well.
And then, dude, I hope it's full cue.
Do you want to give a speech at the wedding?
I mean, I don't know.
I mean, do you have a budget?
Wait, did you say you say you hope it's full queue?
Yeah, full cue.
I hope it's like three sentences about you and Katie.
And then he starts to go like, you know, her father goes like, listen, you know, we all know Trump is still the president.
You know, the Jew media can say whatever they want.
I'll just stand up with the blue butt eating, bluebell smoke a bunch going, you tell them, tell them.
He goes, they can say whatever they want, but the reality is we're in a war.
We're in a war right now.
And I'm happy that you two are married because you're going to need a good partner when you're fighting a war against Satan.
If this is not that wedding, Ben, I'll leave.
I want this wedding to be a straight-up Christian, like, like hellscape.
I want to be called a faggot.
And I want them to say, the only reason you're allowed here is because you had Candace Owens on the show.
And if this is not that, I will be so disappointed.
By the way, she's getting a late-night television show.
Yeah, on the Daily Wire.
Probably be funnier than Kimmel's.
So it'd be interesting.
I'm not going to speak at the wedding because it's weird when someone who is like a guy like me talks at a wedding.
Like, I have you given a speech at a wedding?
I've never given a speech at a wedding.
I mean, it's not, it's a real.
I would just get up.
Do you want me to give the speech?
I would give you the wedding?
Sure.
Go ahead.
Here's the speech.
Give it the wedding.
Here's the wedding.
Okay.
Thank you all for being here and celebrating the love of Ben and Catherine.
Katie, Katie?
Katie.
I met Ben and Katie a few years ago and I used them.
I lived in the small room of their house.
I showered there.
The water bill went up.
It was very tough.
Ben wasn't working and Katie was working and no one really had any money.
And me and Ben smoked cigarettes all night and watched Alex Jones.
And Katie was very worried about the direction of where this was heading.
And I understand that.
And I get it.
And I still believe that I have taken advantage of them to a degree that is unconscionable.
Every night I lay in my bed and I say to myself, you're a scumbag for what you did to this couple, truly.
And the fact that they withstood my torment, my selfishness, is shocking to me that they were able to weather the storm that was Tim Dylan.
I want to apologize to them publicly for everything I have done and continue to do.
I yelled at Ben once when he was late, and I'm sorry about that.
It was very sad to do, to raise my voice to him.
It was not right when he showed up at a, when I had to take a car, he had to bring his car so I could take a road test, and he said it was on E and that I shouldn't worry about it.
And to just tell the instructor of the road test that it's okay, we have 90 miles left, which is the most irresponsible thing you could do.
I probably would have been failed right off the bat, but that's okay.
And then I yelled at him and I said, what did I say to you that day?
You're going to like bash my skull in.
I said I was going to bash his skull in and I called him a drunk, which is ironic because he was two years sober, but I was hitting the thing in a car and I scared him a little bit, but that's what I do.
I'm scary and mean.
I'm a scary pig who comes in and ruins everybody's life.
And the fact that they're even having this wedding right now after everything I have put these two through is amazing to me.
So again, I just want everyone to raise their glass to Ben and Katie, who have made it through the disease, the real pandemic, which is Tim Dylan.
I know every day and every moment, they both wish I die and just hope that they're in my will so that they can spend my money while I die, which is the best case scenario for everybody.
So with that being said, I've got to go back to my bluebell ice cream while I sit here at this wedding alone and try to think of reasons not to kill myself on the dance floor, which we don't have because of COVID or Jesus or whoever.
And I'm going to listen to the fiddle band with Ben's brother as we both sit here lonely and have a seventh helping of barbecue and sit in the chairs and basically stare at everyone else who has love in their life.
Thank you, everyone.
Please subscribe to our Patreon and please get an NFT of me killing myself, which Ben will be shooting if he has the time.
I'm sure they'll take a nine-month honeymoon after this.
And if I call them and ask them what's going on, they'll be like, who is it again?
Oh, it's that terrorist.
He wants me to do some work.
So again, I want to thank both of them.
They're such interesting people, both of them.
I love talking to them about the things that happened in their neighborhood or someone who might have gotten shot that day or a dog that was lost that they found.
That's very illuminating to me, the types of discussions that I've been privileged to have with both of them at tables about avocado toast and someone who may have been shot or it might have been a firework.
So again, thank you, everyone.
I will be doing, I'll have an autograph booth later if you want to come and take a photo with the pig and you can show it to all the people who live in Sewer, Texas, or wherever the hell you people come from.
God bless you.
Good night.
I mean, I would do something.
That was lovely.
No, I would really say, I would really say, wouldn't it be great if I just stood up and I went, you know, I made this event happen.
Truly.
I mean, I did it.
They fell in love, but this is, it's all mine.
Everything you're reading, take that brisket out of your mouth.
This is my words that have made this happen.
Pay for the Wedding00:15:42
Okay?
This entire wedding was paid for by me.
So it's my wedding.
It's not their wedding.
It's my wedding.
Okay?
I don't have anyone to marry, but make no goddamn mistake about it.
It's as much my wedding as it's their wedding.
So I would like to recite the vows after they do because it's my day.
And you talk when I get the fuck out.
It's my day.
Okay.
I just bring up some twink that I just met, some 20-year-old Twink.
I go, we're getting married right now.
But it'll be, I'm excited for it.
I'm excited for it.
And I, and I'm, I, you know, I wasn't going to go to your last wedding because I don't, we didn't even like each other at that point.
Remember your last wedding that I wasn't going to go to?
I remember.
That I said I was on the road, but I don't think I was.
I think you actually were on the road.
I think you were.
I might have been on the road.
But I think we were having a rough patch.
Yeah, we were going, we had a couple rough, like three weeks.
What was it?
Do you remember?
I can't remember the exact specifics of it.
I remember it was when we started doing the dark studio right around that time when I was building that out.
But, you know, I don't stew like a lunatic, so I can't remember the exact details.
I don't remember the details either, but I was like, hey, man, I can't be involved, but good luck.
Yeah.
And then you didn't want me there anyway.
You and I probably didn't want me there.
It's not true.
That's true.
I can't, I imagine that I'm not wanted at this one either.
I did receive an invitation, though, which I think is nice.
Yes, you did.
I did.
I did.
That's sweet.
But my goal, here's what my goal is, is to give them a present that is so nice that they both feel horrible.
Like my goal is to give them a present that is so nice that they both really feel bad.
And it asserts my dominance over them.
The way an old billionaire from a Stephen King novel who has like the whole town in his grips, you know, like, you know, they're like, Mr. Chester has owned this town since the early days.
You know, like, I want to come in and just give you guys a present that's so over the top that I just want you both to know that it's my day.
You know what I mean?
It's not your day.
It's my day.
I may tell everyone what I give you.
I may get up and go, let me tell you what I give.
Let me what I gave these two schmucks.
These two people, here's what I gave them.
I'm going to give you a really nice present.
You don't even know what it is.
I'm going to give you a very nice present.
Oh, really?
Wow.
No, it's going to be very, it's going to be like nicer than I think it'll be the best present you got.
You fire me at the wedding.
I'm going to fire you from the show.
And I'm going to bring Lee Sayat.
Where is Lee Sayat?
By the way, we keep doing like a running joke about Lee Syat.
Is that mean or not?
Is he doing okay?
He has a podcast and a Patreon.
I don't want to keep doing this joke if he's like homeless or something.
Go support Lee Sayat, guys.
Go support Lee Sayat.
I like me, but I don't know where he is.
So sometimes you do jokes about people and then you find out they're in a coma and you go, I got to stop.
I got to stop doing that.
That's not nice to do.
He fell asleep on his live stream.
On his Twitch.
That's hilarious.
He should keep doing that.
Every podcast, he should just fall asleep on a live stream.
I would watch that.
I don't want to watch anything.
And if Lee Sayat goes, I will fall asleep at some point during this live stream.
I'd absolutely watch it.
Cump should do the same thing.
But I'm excited about this wedding, man.
And what time is it?
Is it like six hours?
No, no, no.
It's going to be quick and painless.
We don't want it to be a boring, long wedding.
We want it in and out, in and out.
Get the food.
Get some fun, get some drinks, get out.
What if I get married the same day and I hold a wedding that what if I married Jake Paul on the same day in Miami and invite all of your friends?
Which friend are you inviting other than Travi?
Debbie Booby's coming.
Jake is coming, who you met Jake.
He lives in Austin.
Is he the guy that we had on to talk about the dark web?
Yeah, he's the dark web guy from old episodes.
That's good.
I'm trying to think who else.
John Key, a friend of mine from Abilene.
And that's about it.
A lot of people can't make it because of COVID or what are they talking about?
They can't make it because of COVID.
A lot of people, it's just not in their budget to travel all the way to Texas and back, and I totally get it.
I haven't gone to weddings for that, for that reason, too, because you're at like a grand for like the tickets for you and your wife and then the hotel.
I really have not been invited to a lot of weddings.
It kind of saddens me.
One wedding I went to went to my friend Tina's sister's wedding.
I didn't bring a present.
The guy hates, she married some dope truck guy, and he hates me because I didn't bring a present.
I just showed up.
Did they say something?
I just showed up.
It was at Russo's on the Bay in Brooklyn.
I just showed up by dinner and left.
I didn't really mistake.
Oh, my God.
I had dinner.
I smoked a few butts with the staff of Russo's in the back, and I just got out of there.
By the way, I don't even know if I had to sit down dinner.
Russo's on the Bay is a great cocktail hour.
It's like the little lamb chops, fresh tomato and moots.
I think I went to that for about two hours, and then I left.
And I didn't give anyone a present.
I have not been invited to a lot of weddings.
Oh, man.
I went to my friend Joe's wedding, the mortgage guy.
I went to his wedding.
I just have not gone to a lot of weddings.
Yeah, me neither.
Haven't been invited.
Never been a bachelor or a best man or anything.
I've never been a best man.
I've never been.
You would be my best man if I got that.
Would you be best man at a gay wedding?
Absolutely, I would.
Well, you don't know who I marry.
You want me to finish?
Yeah.
Would you be best man at a wedding with me and Richard Spencer?
Let me finish.
I've never been a best man, dude.
I've never been like part of the wedding.
Like, I just went into comedy and every, everybody's a loser.
Nobody gets married in this.
The roommates I had when I first started comedy got married in a basketball gymnasium in Staten Island.
It was like an embarrassment.
And like the, you know, they had like hero sandwiches inside.
I mean, it was an embarrassment.
You know, but I, I, you know, I've never been like the guy that people say, oh, this guy should be our best.
I'm just not close with a lot of people.
I just fell out with a lot of people.
My friend Joe got married in New Orleans, but I was headlining a room.
I can't do it.
I was like, I can't do it.
I've worked years to get into headline, and this was like a room that somebody canceled.
They threw me in last minute, which he understood.
I was also sober.
I just want to go to a wedding in New Orleans, everybody getting bombed.
Totally.
Drinking absinthe.
Some people go to a ton of weddings.
I've never been to my family's wedding, like my cousins or aunts.
My cousins aren't getting married.
They're on dope.
They're on heroin.
Thank God.
Thank God.
Imagine the addict going to their weddings.
Thank Christ.
Thank God they're on heroin.
They found something they love.
It's not bothering.
They don't bother anybody.
Let them live.
I mean, yeah, no one in my family got married.
I'm the most successful cousin, and I'm a gay ex-cocaine addict clown, and I'm the most successful.
Like old, none of them did figured anything out, really.
I mean, some of them did.
They bounce around.
Some of them are okay, I guess.
But I'm excited for it.
It's happening in April.
I mean, it's going to be, it's going to be interesting to see like your family.
I've never met your family.
They like know who I am, I guess.
My mom's a fan of the show.
Yeah, they know who I am, but I've never met any of them.
Should I bring, should I bring this my plus one, which I'm sure I don't even get?
No, you do, you do.
Should I bring, you know, who Chris DeSefano just interviewed?
The tranny TT who sucked off, who sucked off son of Sam in prison.
Wait, is that true?
Yeah.
DeStefano just did one of the greatest interviews in podcasts.
And he TT, his girl, Jasmine, is like her aunt or uncle or whatever.
I don't know.
And she went to prison when she was like in prison with Tupac and she sucked off son of Sam.
So can I bring TT?
We'll talk about sucking off son of Sam.
Fine.
Ben's parents are so Christian.
I'll just let her give a speech.
I'll go, let me give some of my speech to TT.
And she's like, listen, I sucked off Son of Sam in prison.
All right, where's the bluebell ice cream, everybody?
Let's get out to bluebell.
I mean, I'm just happy to meet everybody finally.
Or Noah or any of those guys coming.
You don't really talk to them that much.
I didn't invite any of those guys.
Yeah, you don't talk to them that much.
Time to move on.
Time to tighten up the circle.
As Beanie Siegel said, tighten up the circle before they hurt you.
Beanie Siegel.
Tighten up the circle before they hurt you.
You know, Devin and I are coming.
You got to pay them, huh?
You got to pay them.
You got to fly them down and put them up.
They'll be putting the food in a bag.
They'll be putting a barbecue in a plastic bag and walking out with it.
They'll try to resell it.
They'll try to sell it on Etsy.
Authentic Texas Barbecue.
Yeah, they'll sell it.
They'll be reselling brisket.
They'll be on Clubhouse figuring out how to resell brisket.
No, I mean, they should come down for it, though.
They might be fun.
Yeah, I told them.
I was like, I don't want to subject you to having to come, but you are invited.
What did they say?
They're like, oh, no, we get it.
Like, thank you for letting us not have to feel like we have to come, you know.
I mean, what's the last time Devin's got on a plane or left Echo Park at all?
Yeah, they don't leave.
No.
But yeah, I like the way they said they go, we appreciate you not making us feel obligated to show.
Exactly.
Thank you.
They go, thanks a lot.
But could you send us food?
But if there's any leftovers, can you send them in the mail?
By the way, just send them in the mail if there's any leftovers.
Can you DHL us and pull pork?
If you don't mind, they should come.
I may pay them to get them down there.
Yeah, let's bring them down.
I may fly them down and I'm fly down TT.
What's the budge?
Is it a big budget?
What's the budge?
Is it like 800,000?
Yeah.
Yeah, it's the size of Sal Volcano's wedding.
I'm wondering what the budget is.
Maybe I should pay for the wedding.
Weddings.
By the way, I was probably going to give you more money than the wedding.
I offered to pay for the wedding.
It's like $1,800.
I'm like, wait, excuse me.
They're like, yeah, it's a van of barbecue food in a field.
I'm like, oh, I had no idea.
What are you going to wear?
Are you going to wear a cowboy hat and shit?
No, but maybe I should, actually.
It's not a bad idea.
Is Katie going to wear white?
Yeah, she has a wedding dress picked out.
Of course, I haven't seen it.
If I come in an outfit that distracts from both of you, will you be angry?
No.
Like, if I come dressed like one of the, you know, the beginning of The Wizard of Oz, all the people that are walking around Oz?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Can I announce my transition?
You know, Amy Schumer announced her pregnancy at another comics wedding to just take the shine right out of her.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Holy shine right at somebody else.
I want to announce something at your wedding.
I want to go.
I'm transitioning.
What if I pulled, I showed everyone my pussy.
What if I got a pussy if I had my penis made into a pussy and I showed everyone my pussy lips?
I go, look at my pussy.
I have a pussy now, and I want to show everyone my pussy.
My penis was inverted.
How have I described it?
I stood up and I go, I love Ben and Katie.
And I feel so comfortable with everyone here.
I want to tell you my penis was split in half and inverted and made into a pussy four days ago.
And I finally got the bandages off.
Now my shaft has been split and turned into two lips of a puss.
And I want to show everyone right now.
I just show everyone my pussy.
And people are like, oh my God.
Katie's father's like, that's pretty.
That's a pretty pussy.
I'm like, thank you.
He's like, that's a real pretty pussy.
I just want to go and cause such a scene.
Dude, I'm going with TT.
I'm going with the trady who blew Son of Sam.
I'm telling you that DeStefano just interviewed.
I'm paying her $20,000.
And thank you, Patreon, for the ability to do that.
I'm going to pay TT to come to the wedding and tell the story about sucking off Son of Sam in front of your Christian parents.
And if your wife doesn't like me, then so be it.
If she doesn't see the humor in that, Ben, then so be it.
And I don't know why you would marry her.
It's crazy to me that she would not see the humor in that.
Run that by her tomorrow.
Call her and go, Tim is going to fly TT, who was just the transgender woman Chris DeStefano interviewed.
She sucked off Son of Sam in prison.
And Tim thinks it'd be great to have her talk about that at the wedding.
I mean, I don't, is this a problem?
I run it by her.
I mean, I don't see the problem.
I want TT to officiate my wedding.
What's her name?
Look her up.
Even though you can't play it, get this woman's name.
She's like a gangster.
It's T-I-T-I.
I don't know.
It's DeStefano's latest episode.
I forget.
MR6 didn't kill Princess Joanna at all.
My door is lying.
Ace nobody rises in the royal family.
The continent of India needed to be civilized.
Oh, TT Jerry.
TT Jerry.
Yeah.
She's come to the wedding.
Oh, TT Jerry's come to the wedding.
TT Jerry.
There's not much.
There's like nothing about her except for Chris's episode with her.
Yeah.
Well, yeah, she doesn't have a lot going on, but that's okay.
We're about to change that.
She's about to go to your wedding and make a big splash.
TT Jerry at Wedding00:04:30
What if she sucked off Katie's dad?
She's like, I sucked off that man, and I also sucked off son of Sam.
Chris was like, Did you meet any celebrities in prison?
She goes, yeah, I sucked off Son of Sam.
It's crazy.
Is it crazy or is it beautiful?
And dessert is, what is it?
Bluebell ice cream and cobbler?
The cherry vanilla.
Yeah, and we're going to do cobbler.
Yeah.
What kind of cobbler?
Peach.
Ooh.
Peach.
Are you a Franklin barbecue?
We might do Franklin's.
I'm going to have to check with Katie.
I forget the two places we were between.
Yeah, it's very interesting.
Not a salt, whatever.
That was.
Do you know?
Do you want to hear my wedding?
Yeah, yeah.
It's on Lil St. James.
Okay.
That's number one.
So it's an international waters.
It's in international waters.
Okay.
Okay.
Do you know who is the cleric?
The cleric is the guy from he's that guy that we watch.
Remember, we used to watch an Islamic fundamentalist in Brooklyn who's like had a lot of personality.
I forget he was like, he goes, I like being on first class.
He just talks about death to America, but he goes, he goes, I like traveling first class.
I think it's good.
He's at some like real crazy mosque in Brooklyn where he goes, I like nice things.
The crowd's getting with it.
He goes, I like flying first class.
I don't know about you.
They're just waiting to hear what they should blow up.
He goes, I don't know about you, but I like getting on a plane first class.
So he's going to be the cleric.
Okay.
My best man is going to be TT Jerry.
Best woman.
Flower girl.
Okay.
I don't know, man.
It's so interesting to watch.
You're the closest friend I've ever had that's like gotten married where like I'm actually I felt bad I didn't get a gift for that other wedding, but I didn't give a shit about them.
You know what I've showed up for at dinner?
Yeah, what do I do?
A guy who's a tow truck business.
Did you say hi to them at least and congrats?
I don't think I did.
I think I did once.
I think I did once.
I think I said, gay, congrats.
And then I just kept walking.
Putting rolls in your pocket.
Yeah, I was just walking around eating lamb chops.
And then I left.
I left like two hours in.
People would text me, like, where'd you go?
I said, oh, I was over.
I didn't go to the church.
Salvocano's wedding, I didn't show up for the church.
I just showed up for the food.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's the most recent.
I went to Mike Lawrence's wedding.
He was a comedian.
That was done in like a backyard, though.
His mom cooked, but the food was very good.
But yeah, this will be kind of an amazing thing.
You know?
You're like the version, like, I don't have a brother, so you're like a brother who's like watching a brother get married that you like.
A lot of people hate their siblings.
So I didn't realize that.
I always wanted like siblings, and I realized most people just hate their siblings.
Yeah, absolutely.
It's hilarious.
I had no idea.
Every siblings I've ever met, I'm like, you talk to your brother a lot?
They go, not really.
I'm like, interesting.
You know?
Let's think about Ghislaine Maxwell's family.
It's like they were close.
Maybe there's something to that.
You know what I mean?
That's the thing.
It's like people talk a lot of shit like, oh, you know, whatever.