The Tim Dillon Show - 242 - You're Money Now
Aired: 2021-03-07
Duration: 01:00:52


=== Real Business at Wawa (03:02) ===

[00:00:20]  Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dylan Show live from Amish Country or wherever the fuck we are.
[00:00:25]  We're back in the studio next week.
[00:00:27]  We've had to make these makeshift studios to try to just keep the YouTube views going.
[00:00:33]  You know, if it was up to me, I'd do an audio-only episode, but we know how much that angers you people.
[00:00:39]  So we've made a studio here in the middle of an Airbnb rented under someone else's name in Royersford, Pennsylvania, where I will be performing in a heated dome.
[00:00:53]  I will be performing stand-up comedy in a heated dome in the middle of a field in Royersford, Pennsylvania tonight, tomorrow, and Sunday, and then flying back to Texas, which is healed, hopefully, from the snowstorm.
[00:01:14]  That's what we got here.
[00:01:16]  Pennsylvania, to me, with all due respect, one of the most worthless states in the Union.
[00:01:24]  The food is atrocious.
[00:01:26]  It's gas station food.
[00:01:28]  Cheese steaks are gross.
[00:01:30]  Tasty cake is you can taste the chemicals.
[00:01:35]  You can see the guy in the factory turning on the machine that puts the layer, the little quarter inch of chemical icing on top of it.
[00:01:45]  I mean, it's not good.
[00:01:47]  Everything food-wise, people take pride in here is something that comes out of a gas station.
[00:01:52]  People love Wawa.
[00:01:54]  People love Wawa.
[00:01:56]  They act like Wawa.
[00:01:58]  And I'm not immune to the appeal of Wawa.
[00:02:01]  I get it.
[00:02:02]  You know what I mean?
[00:02:03]  It's a gas station that has meatballs.
[00:02:08]  So I understand why people love Wawa so much because you can get a sandwich at the gas station.
[00:02:13]  And I understand that.
[00:02:15]  And I've even said nice things about Wawa.
[00:02:18]  And I, you know, Big Jay loves it.
[00:02:20]  I get it.
[00:02:21]  You know, if you're on a road trip and there's nothing else around and you find you stumble into a Wawa, you know, good.
[00:02:30]  You can get some, you know, a couple of sandwiches and some chips.
[00:02:34]  It's, you know, I remember once me and Dan Soder were on the road and there was a Wawa and we walked in and there was a little chocolate pudding that came with cookie dough bits to put on top.
[00:02:46]  And I had them and I was struggling to put the cookie dough bits in the pudding.
[00:02:50]  And I, Dan Soder was like, kind of helping me.
[00:02:53]  And I was like, be careful.
[00:02:54]  He goes, I know to you, these are diamonds.
[00:02:57]  I was like, be very careful.
[00:02:58]  I get it.
[00:02:59]  I just don't, you know, Dan's driving now 45 minutes to get cheesesteaks to get steakums and cheese whiz on a hoagie roll that he's going to then drive back.
[00:03:10]  I mean, it's, am I supposed to be impressed by this?
[00:03:13]  Am I supposed to get excited about this?
[00:03:15]  And people get mad at me when I, when I call this out, but is this, is this, is this the type of place I'm supposed to feel lucky to be?

=== NFT Scam Explained (15:47) ===

[00:03:23]  I don't believe so.
[00:03:24]  But I'm sure the audience is good.
[00:03:25]  The Philly audiences are always great.
[00:03:28]  And we're just getting to the end of the road here.
[00:03:30]  You know, we've been to some of the greatest cities in America.
[00:03:32]  We've been to Cleveland, Ohio, Columbus, Ohio, Providence, Rhode Island, and now Royersford, Pennsylvania.
[00:03:39]  It's been a string of deindustrialized, opium-addicted hellholes, but comedy's been really, really good.
[00:03:48]  Columbus is not that per se, but it's kind of bleak and desolate.
[00:03:53]  And it's, you know, Les Wexner is still very much running the show.
[00:03:57]  I mean, here's the thing about guys like Les Wexner.
[00:03:59]  They at least built a real business.
[00:04:03]  I mean, everything else they did, the human trafficking, the drug running, I mean, they at least built a company.
[00:04:08]  Everyone that has $100 million now is just like Bitcoin.
[00:04:13]  It's some gimmick, but Les Wexner actually built, I mean, Victoria's Secret, you can buy a bra like it actually exists.
[00:04:20]  You can go in and get a pair of fuzzy slippers.
[00:04:23]  It's actually a functional business.
[00:04:26]  It's not some pretend, opaque, hard to understand cryptocurrency that moves up and down because of Elon Musk's tweets.
[00:04:36]  This is an actual, and sure the cargo planes get used for blow.
[00:04:42]  And sure, they wash the dark money.
[00:04:45]  We get it, but it's real.
[00:04:48]  It's not Lindsay Lohan's NFT.
[00:04:51]  Do you know that Lindsey Lohan now has a non-fungible token?
[00:04:55]  Lindsay Lohan, who was, can I say never relevant?
[00:05:02]  Lindsay Lohan was relevant when she was a child.
[00:05:07]  Right?
[00:05:08]  And then, I mean, it's just been a succession of rehabs, a succession of, you know, photos of her collapsed on someone's lawn.
[00:05:17]  And now she's selling a non-fungible token for what purpose other than to just bang her fans over the head.
[00:05:25]  That small group of people that think it's funny to own a Lindsay Lohan NFT.
[00:05:32]  What is the artwork on it?
[00:05:33]  What does it even look like?
[00:05:34]  She's holding up a diamond, the Ethereum diamond, the crypto she loves, and that's it.
[00:05:39]  It's just covering her eye.
[00:05:40]  Does she have real money in crypto?
[00:05:43]  Apparently, she's all into crypto for the past year now.
[00:05:46]  Her and Soldier Boy have been going hard on the crypto and the NFT.
[00:05:51]  How much is her NFT?
[00:05:52]  How much is a Lindsay Lohan token?
[00:05:55]  She sold this for $17,000, but she donated it all to Save the Children.
[00:06:04]  But this is a tax scam.
[00:06:06]  She's trying to, let's be very honest about this.
[00:06:10]  This is a tax scam.
[00:06:12]  And can you explain, because you were explaining it to me, how if you have these NFTs and you sell them.
[00:06:19]  And by the way, just because it is a scam and I'm identifying it as such doesn't mean or shouldn't restrict me from getting involved in doing it.
[00:06:27]  So don't, don't be one of those people who go, oh, last episode you said it was a scam and the next episode, you're selling it to us.
[00:06:35]  Don't be that.
[00:06:36]  Don't do that.
[00:06:37]  Now, and we don't have one, but I'm saying if we're to give one or get one, if we're to pump one up, ours is not going to be a scam.
[00:06:46]  Theirs is a scam.
[00:06:47]  Do you understand?
[00:06:49]  Lindsey Lohan's a deflating balloon.
[00:06:52]  We're on our way up.
[00:06:53]  So if you get involved on the ground floor, what we're doing, that's a good move.
[00:06:57]  But Lindsay Lohan, I mean, there's nothing left here.
[00:06:59]  What's the last thing she did?
[00:07:00]  Laurel Canyon with Brett Easton Ellis?
[00:07:03]  That guy who says, Tim, can you do my podcast at three years?
[00:07:08]  And I go, what?
[00:07:09]  He goes, we have a, it's a Patreon-only podcast.
[00:07:11]  We'd like to book you in November.
[00:07:13]  Me and my boyfriend are huge fans.
[00:07:15]  I'm like, how about, because I asked him to do my show.
[00:07:17]  I'm like, how about you do my show because it's relevant, okay?
[00:07:21]  What's the last thing he's written, by the way?
[00:07:23]  What's the last thing he's done?
[00:07:24]  Brett Easton Ellis.
[00:07:26]  It's the last thing he's done.
[00:07:28]  Laurel Canyon with Lindsey Lowe.
[00:07:30]  She was in that, I think.
[00:07:32]  Yeah, she was.
[00:07:32]  She was.
[00:07:33]  And a porn star.
[00:07:35]  And by the way, Brett's done some great stuff.
[00:07:37]  So we're not, no shade to him.
[00:07:39]  But when I ask you to be on the show, say yes.
[00:07:42]  Don't tell me you have a Patreon-only podcast.
[00:07:44]  You'd like me to do it.
[00:07:47]  Oh, he released his first piece of nonfiction.
[00:07:49]  It was that one called White.
[00:07:51]  It's a collection of essays on contemporary political culture.
[00:07:53]  Remember, it was really like, yeah.
[00:07:56]  Who cares?
[00:07:57]  Anyway, I'm doing BFFs with Dave Portnoy and Josh Richards.
[00:08:00]  I'm very excited about that.
[00:08:01]  I like Portnoy.
[00:08:02]  We make fun of the Barstool people sometimes, but I do like them a lot.
[00:08:06]  And I think you're a force for good overall in the media landscape.
[00:08:10]  So we'll be doing that podcast on Tuesday.
[00:08:12]  Very happy about that.
[00:08:13]  And Brett Eastonellis, the offer is still on the table.
[00:08:17]  So if you and your boyfriend have the time, you could come in and chat with us about what it was like to make Laurel Canyon with Lindsay Lohan and where you think her coin is headed.
[00:08:28]  Now, how many Lindsay Lohan non-fungible tokens are there?
[00:08:31]  So far, there's one.
[00:08:32]  There's one token for 17 grand.
[00:08:34]  Yeah.
[00:08:34]  And who bought that?
[00:08:36]  Just some guy.
[00:08:38]  His name is...
[00:08:40]  Let me find his name here.
[00:08:42]  Because what they do is they buy it and then someone outbids them.
[00:08:45]  So people don't buy them to own them.
[00:08:47]  They buy them to then sell them for a higher price.
[00:08:50]  So they get traded all the time.
[00:08:51]  Like Mark Cuban right now is, do you know Mark Cuban is selling his tweets as NTFs?
[00:08:56]  I've heard that.
[00:08:56]  Yeah.
[00:08:57]  Or NFTs, excuse me.
[00:08:58]  When I said this was the era of fake business, I had no idea how correct I was.
[00:09:02]  I had no idea how prescient that rant would be and how far this would go.
[00:09:06]  We're selling nothing.
[00:09:08]  I mean, this is literally nothing now.
[00:09:11]  Celebrities, what did Kings of Leon do?
[00:09:13]  They just sold.
[00:09:14]  They sold an album for $6 million.
[00:09:16]  Yeah.
[00:09:21]  I mean, this is just, it seems like from far away, a bad faith attempt to milk the last amount of remaining money from your fan base.
[00:09:35]  It seems to me like these are people that are trying to just bang their fan base over the head, ring the register, sell them absolute horseshit, get involved in a cultural moment, build this mania, convince people that this is going to be a thing when they know it's not.
[00:09:58]  It seems like a horrible thing to do.
[00:10:01]  How would we get involved in doing it if we wanted to?
[00:10:05]  What would be the first step?
[00:10:07]  Your agent actually just texted me a company that we might team up with.
[00:10:11]  We didn't fire him yet?
[00:10:16]  Where is, and what, because to me, it seems, why, what has Kings of Leon done that's worth $6 million?
[00:10:28]  And whatever.
[00:10:29]  I don't, I don't, whatever.
[00:10:31]  The Kings of Leon or whatever.
[00:10:32]  That's fine.
[00:10:33]  Yeah.
[00:10:33]  What's their song?
[00:10:35]  Isn't that Aga Use Somebody?
[00:10:37]  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
[00:10:39]  Six million?
[00:10:40]  What is it?
[00:10:41]  A token with just the Kings of Leon?
[00:10:43]  It's the album itself.
[00:10:44]  Like, Soldier Boy is selling songs.
[00:10:47]  So you get an album for $6 million.
[00:10:49]  Yeah.
[00:10:50]  So you own it, but everyone else can listen to it.
[00:10:51]  No one else, but everyone else can listen to it.
[00:10:54]  But you're the one who owns it.
[00:10:55]  You own it.
[00:10:55]  So you can do.
[00:10:56]  Well, this seems interesting.
[00:11:00]  Well, maybe, maybe I was too rash in my condemnation of this.
[00:11:04]  So I own the Kings of Leon album.
[00:11:07]  I bought it for $6 million.
[00:11:08]  I could distribute it how I want.
[00:11:10]  No?
[00:11:11]  Well, it's just available to the public, but you're the one who Tim Dylan owns the King of Leon album.
[00:11:17]  So what does ownership mean if everyone can listen to it?
[00:11:21]  That's what my problem is.
[00:11:23]  I don't know what ownership means.
[00:11:24]  What's the equity in owning something?
[00:11:25]  It's like clout, I guess.
[00:11:30]  I don't understand this at all.
[00:11:31]  I'm terrible.
[00:11:32]  I'm confused.
[00:11:34]  It's absolutely a tax scam.
[00:11:36]  This makes Bitcoin seem like the most legitimate thing I've ever heard.
[00:11:40]  It's absolutely a tax scam because you were telling me as long as you sell one of these, and you can prove that you know what the cost is.
[00:11:48]  Yeah, so if you have 10 of them, and this is Ray Cump confirmed, this is probably true.
[00:11:52]  And you guys are going to go off in the comments probably and say, we don't know what the fuck we're talking about.
[00:11:55]  But if you have 10 of them, you sell one for $10,000.
[00:11:58]  You can then donate the other nine.
[00:12:00]  And then you can say you're at a loss of $90,000 because it's appraised at $10,000 each.
[00:12:04]  And then that's a tax write-off.
[00:12:06]  And it all goes to charity.
[00:12:07]  I don't know if that's true.
[00:12:08]  I don't know if that's true.
[00:12:08]  Ray Cump said it's legit.
[00:12:10]  So if I sold, if we could sell a non-fungible token on this show and I sold it to the fans and I, let's say we get $20,000 worth and I sold one for a grand, I could write off the other $19,000.
[00:12:28]  Yeah.
[00:12:30]  Yeah.
[00:12:31]  And especially if you're donating everything to charity too, now you're looking at, you know, so.
[00:12:37]  So I can donate the $19,000 to charity.
[00:12:41]  Or it's also a write-off because it's a loss because you could have gained.
[00:12:45]  So I'm actually donating the money to charity.
[00:12:47]  I'm not giving them the token.
[00:12:49]  Right.
[00:12:49]  I'm not handing, Lindsey Lohan's not handing the save to children.
[00:12:52]  She's not handing the children the token with her with the diamonds.
[00:12:54]  She's giving them the Ethereum that was used to buy the NFT.
[00:12:59]  Which has a cash value.
[00:13:00]  Correct.
[00:13:01]  Okay.
[00:13:02]  And then she gets to write it off.
[00:13:04]  It's not confusing at all, folks.
[00:13:06]  The American economy is in great shape, and I don't want you to say it's not.
[00:13:10]  I don't want you to say it's not.
[00:13:13]  People are buying a lot of digital real estate and video games, too.
[00:13:16]  So that's another NFT.
[00:13:17]  It can come in like digital.
[00:13:18]  Is this a way for canceled people to come back?
[00:13:21]  Can Kevin Spacey launch a coin?
[00:13:23]  Can Harvey Weinstein launch a coin?
[00:13:25]  Can Harvey Weinstein have an NFT?
[00:13:28]  I mean, let's think about this.
[00:13:30]  Is there a way for these people to get back in the saddle through NFT's non-fungible tokens?
[00:13:36]  Is there a token market for people like OJ Simpson, who's really not even canceled?
[00:13:41]  But I mean, for people like Morgan Wallen, who said the N-word in his driveway.
[00:13:45]  Can he have a non-fungible token?
[00:13:47]  Can he just have an N?
[00:13:49]  Can Morgan Wallen sell a token with an N on it?
[00:13:52]  And that somehow you would invest in it and you would own the N-word that Morgan Wallen said.
[00:13:56]  Could you own, could he just sell the clip of him yelling the N-word?
[00:14:01]  And then you own the N.
[00:14:03]  I own Morgan Wallen's N-word.
[00:14:05]  You could tell your friends that when you went to dinner, you say, I own Morgan Wallen's N-word and you could listen to it, but I own it.
[00:14:10]  And they go, that's clout.
[00:14:11]  That's pretty cool.
[00:14:14]  Is there a way to do something like that?
[00:14:16]  Can you just sell something you've said?
[00:14:18]  Yes.
[00:14:18]  You could sell just something you've said.
[00:14:21]  You own the audio version.
[00:14:23]  I could sell the corporate steakhouse rant.
[00:14:25]  I could say the Tim Dillon corporate steakhouse rant is going for $16,000.
[00:14:30]  And if you want to buy it, you own it now.
[00:14:31]  Everyone can listen to it, but you own it.
[00:14:34]  You now own my words.
[00:14:36]  So I could sell more than just pictures.
[00:14:38]  I could sell audio.
[00:14:40]  I could sell an album, a comedy album.
[00:14:43]  I could sell something like that.
[00:14:44]  Sold a GIF of you just dancing.
[00:14:46]  Mark Cuban sold a GIF of him dancing in the Dallas Mavericks jersey.
[00:14:51]  I wonder if like Rockefeller and Carnegie and Vanderbilt came back.
[00:14:55]  I wonder how disgusted they'd be at the new crop of people that have taken their place.
[00:15:00]  You know what I mean?
[00:15:01]  Like I wonder like guys that built bridges and roads and oil refineries would sit down and go, and now what are we doing?
[00:15:07]  And Mark Cuban goes, I'm selling this.
[00:15:09]  It's me dancing.
[00:15:11]  And I mean, I'm wondering if they would be absolutely horrified by the new crop of business moguls that we have now.
[00:15:20]  Elon Musk, who's, you know, selling NFTs on Mars.
[00:15:24]  He's selling non-fungible tokens.
[00:15:26]  You can go to bar.
[00:15:26]  Didn't this thing blow up the other day?
[00:15:28]  Oh, his spaceship?
[00:15:29]  Yeah, it blew up.
[00:15:30]  Yeah.
[00:15:30]  So that's what you do as a billionaire.
[00:15:32]  You just blow up spaceships while everyone on Earth crawls around without health insurance.
[00:15:37]  Is that kind of the society we've set up?
[00:15:39]  Am I wrong?
[00:15:39]  We have billionaires just blowing up spaceships in the sky while like unemployed school teachers just crawl around on the floor looking for fucking painkillers.
[00:15:50]  I mean, is that not the world we've got?
[00:15:53]  If you were an alien and you landed and somebody explains society and you go, yeah, these guys have billions of dollars, you go, well, why?
[00:15:59]  They go, well, they blow up spaceships.
[00:16:02]  They take spaceships up to the sky and blow them up.
[00:16:05]  I know Elon Musk is a smart guy, but he doesn't retweet me, so I don't give a shit.
[00:16:09]  But what I'm saying is like these non-fungible tokens, we've entered into a very interesting.
[00:16:14]  So now everything is currency?
[00:16:16]  Yes.
[00:16:16]  Is that kind of where we're going here?
[00:16:18]  Everything's now I know there's a Bitcoin expert in a com in the YouTube comments because they have all they have all the time in the world, these people that are going to yell at me and tell me I'm an idiot, but I'm admitting I'm an idiot because I don't know about these things.
[00:16:29]  I'm unaware.
[00:16:30]  I'm learning about them on the fly.
[00:16:32]  You see, like you don't know much about them either, idiot in the comments because these are new things.
[00:16:38]  Okay?
[00:16:39]  So I'm just learning.
[00:16:40]  So everything is currency.
[00:16:41]  Yes.
[00:16:42]  And everything can be traded.
[00:16:44]  And you just got to find a group of people that are willing to see the value in something.
[00:16:49]  So as long as someone sees the value in something, no matter how absurd it is, Mark Cuban dancing.
[00:16:57]  Why does that have value?
[00:16:59]  That Mark Cuban is dancing in a GIF.
[00:17:01]  I don't know.
[00:17:03]  Remember after the whole Wall Street Bets thing happened and Mark Cuban's like, this got people like my son to start taking an interest in stocks.
[00:17:12]  I'm like, doesn't you being a billionaire get him to take interest in this?
[00:17:18]  What?
[00:17:20]  I mean, it's very interesting to me.
[00:17:26]  Where does this end?
[00:17:29]  How and where does this end?
[00:17:31]  Is this a massive crash?
[00:17:34]  It has to be.
[00:17:35]  I mean, does this just bottom out?
[00:17:37]  Lindsey Lohan has an, does anyone else have NFTs?
[00:17:40]  Who else has an NFT?
[00:17:42]  Soldier Boy is big on the NCC selling songs called Crank That.
[00:17:47]  Also the Neon Cat guy.
[00:17:48]  Do you remember Neon Cat?
[00:17:49]  I do not.
[00:17:50]  He was the Pop-Tart cat that shoots rainbows.
[00:17:53]  That went for $477,000.
[00:17:55]  It was a rare GIF of the Neon Cat with the, he's a pop-tart body and it's a cat's head.
[00:18:01]  It's like an internet like meme.
[00:18:08]  I mean half a million dollars for the pop-tart with the cat's head.
[00:18:12]  Neon cat, yeah.
[00:18:13]  So that person gets to own neon cat.
[00:18:17]  Just one GIF.
[00:18:18]  And so those are kind of the people on the front lines of the NFT world.
[00:18:27]  Could Ghislaine Maxwell start at NFT?
[00:18:30]  There's so many platforms.
[00:18:31]  They'd probably take her.
[00:18:33]  Like, why not?
[00:18:34]  Why shouldn't, why can't she sell an NFT of Bill Clinton fucking an underage girl and just say, here, this is, this isn't, do you want to own Bill Clinton fucking an underage girl?
[00:18:48]  The CIA is going to have a non-fungible token very soon, by the way.
[00:18:52]  The CIA will just start slinging NFTs.
[00:18:56]  Here, here is a, you now own a GIF of the cigarette girl at Abu Ghraib with the leash guy.
[00:19:06]  You now own that.
[00:19:07]  $250,000.

=== Walking Through Weird Places (15:30) ===

[00:19:10]  You know?
[00:19:12]  Here's a GIF of people putting the bombs in the building, the thermite in the buildings of 9-11.
[00:19:19]  Here's a GIF of that.
[00:19:21]  380,000.
[00:19:23]  Proof it was an inside job.
[00:19:24]  Just went for 380,000.
[00:19:27]  I own the fucking 9-11 NFT, man.
[00:19:31]  Wow.
[00:19:32]  There's just not much to say.
[00:19:34]  I would like to maybe get involved because everyone else is getting involved and I feel left out.
[00:19:40]  And just because this is a scam and it's not based on anything doesn't mean we shouldn't figure it out and participate.
[00:19:47]  You understand?
[00:19:49]  So next week, if we have an NFT, I don't want all the people that have listened to this to start, I don't know, getting angry.
[00:19:56]  We may have to delete this episode, I guess, next week and just claim that everyone was experiencing it said because our NFT would be good.
[00:20:04]  If we had an NFT, we'd link it to maybe a project that was coming up or something.
[00:20:08]  I don't know.
[00:20:10]  I have people that I talk to about Bitcoin that might know more about this than I do.
[00:20:16]  You know?
[00:20:17]  I don't know.
[00:20:18]  I just, I just think it's an interesting development in the economic cycle of our country.
[00:20:25]  Lindsey Lohan is big into cryptocurrency.
[00:20:29]  I mean, does that not worry anyone?
[00:20:32]  Does that not scare anyone about the future of cryptocurrencies that Lindsay Lohan is out there selling it?
[00:20:39]  And she's, I mean, I don't know, man.
[00:20:43]  We do what we can do.
[00:20:55]  Can't wait to get back to Texas.
[00:20:58]  Things are opening up.
[00:20:58]  We're open at 100% capacity in Texas.
[00:21:01]  No masks.
[00:21:02]  The mask mandate has ended.
[00:21:05]  So you can go out.
[00:21:07]  You can do what you're going to do.
[00:21:09]  Damn the variants.
[00:21:11]  Damn the new strains.
[00:21:13]  I'm just trying to, I'm just, when can I get out of this country?
[00:21:18]  When can I fly to somewhere else is my question.
[00:21:21]  I'm trying to get out of it.
[00:21:22]  We've been stuck for a year in America.
[00:21:33]  Something just a window, just the wind blew something.
[00:21:37]  So I'm sure that'll be.
[00:21:39]  Now Dan will be off Airbnb.
[00:21:41]  And those pieces of shit went at me again.
[00:21:44]  Yes.
[00:21:44]  I cannot believe that.
[00:21:45]  Do you have that screenshot saved?
[00:21:47]  First of all, they called me fat, which is ableist.
[00:21:50]  So I don't know why they're still on Airbnb if they're harassing people.
[00:21:54]  They called me fat, which is ableist.
[00:21:58]  Literally the quote was, when Tim Dylan's fat ass, ableist, not only trashes your home, but breaks your furniture and then denies it, lies, literal lies, Ben.
[00:22:10]  You were there.
[00:22:10]  Yeah.
[00:22:11]  And calls you a desert die cunt.
[00:22:13]  That I did.
[00:22:14]  Calls you a desert die cunt, bitches to the world, and threatens to burn your house down.
[00:22:18]  And thousands of his followers threaten to kill you.
[00:22:21]  Good job.
[00:22:22]  And says your furniture looks like it was made by drugs.
[00:22:25]  And of course, no one's threatening to kill them.
[00:22:27]  We're doing bits.
[00:22:28]  They don't get the humor.
[00:22:29]  It's dark humor.
[00:22:32]  And says your furniture looks like it was made by drug addicts.
[00:22:34]  Absolutely does.
[00:22:36]  Thank you, Joe Rogan, for having our back.
[00:22:38]  We'll send you all the free weird no-back chairs and let you come hang in a joy review anytime you want.
[00:22:43]  Out.
[00:22:45]  I don't have the time.
[00:22:46]  They're trying to ally themselves with my friend Joe Rogan.
[00:22:50]  What a slimy bunch of rug munchers.
[00:22:54]  They should absolutely.
[00:22:59]  I'm just saying that there's a lot of cool things happening.
[00:23:04]  We might do more with that wallet idea.
[00:23:05]  That was a great, that got 2 million views.
[00:23:07]  Chamath retweeted it.
[00:23:09]  A lot of cool stuff came out of that.
[00:23:14]  It's tough.
[00:23:15]  You're on the road, man, and it's very difficult to stay sane.
[00:23:19]  And sobriety, which I have 11 years of sobriety, you really understand why people on the road that do comedy on the road just stay on the road drinking forever because there's not much else to do.
[00:23:31]  A lot of these guys go on the road, they fuck some strangers, and they stay there for 20, 25 years.
[00:23:37]  They don't build any type of fan base outside of that.
[00:23:39]  They don't put any content out and they just die in like, you know, I don't know, the lobby of a La Quinta or something.
[00:23:45]  It's a real bad life.
[00:23:47]  Comedy is really a horrible life for most people that do it, which is why, you know, people just die.
[00:23:54]  They drop dead.
[00:23:55]  The greatest comedians ever, Greg Giraldo and Patricia Neal, these people die.
[00:23:59]  It's because they can't look at highways anymore.
[00:24:02]  They can't.
[00:24:02]  I mean, it's just hard to check into another fucking whatever, Marriott courtyard on the side of a fucking highway.
[00:24:09]  And I'm grateful that the fans are coming out.
[00:24:11]  The shows are so much fun and we have so much fun at the shows.
[00:24:15]  But the idea that you're just living out of a suitcase in these situations is like, I can't do it a lot.
[00:24:23]  I'm not going to do it a lot.
[00:24:24]  I want to be back in my studio.
[00:24:26]  I want to be back.
[00:24:27]  You know, we're going to do these mini tours like four times a year or something, but like we're not, this is not going to be on the road 35, 40 weeks a year.
[00:24:36]  I can't do it.
[00:24:37]  I don't, I can't physically do it.
[00:24:39]  I mean, this last year of the pandemic has allowed me to like make and create so much cool shit that's seen such a wide audience.
[00:24:48]  I mean, I just can't, I can't do it.
[00:24:49]  I can't be out here.
[00:24:51]  And it's hard to eat healthy.
[00:24:52]  I mean, you go to these clubs and the salads are like less healthy than anything else because it's, they're like Dows and Ranch dressing.
[00:25:01]  They have like deep fried bacon, you know, on to, it's like, there's nothing you could do.
[00:25:06]  And there's no gay man.
[00:25:07]  Gay men aren't really huge fans of my comedy, which is fine, but they also, like for gay guys, there's no benefit.
[00:25:12]  Straight guys is more of a benefit because straight women come to comedy shows.
[00:25:16]  Gay men don't go to comedy clubs.
[00:25:18]  I would never go to a comedy.
[00:25:19]  If I wasn't a comedian, I would never go to a comedy club.
[00:25:21]  They're just disgusting.
[00:25:23]  And I mean, not ones I perform at, but the other ones are bad.
[00:25:28]  I mean, it's just gay guy wouldn't do it.
[00:25:30]  Like you wouldn't go out and eat that type of food in that type of environment.
[00:25:34]  Like if you had ever said to me before I was a comedian, like, hey, man, you want to go to Chuckles or something?
[00:25:39]  I'd be like, no, I don't.
[00:25:41]  No, no, no, I don't.
[00:25:42]  I just, you know, there's, there's, it's an environment that it's built for what we do, which is make people laugh.
[00:25:50]  But it's like, it's not.
[00:25:51]  Most comedy clubs are not places you want to spend lots of time in.
[00:25:56]  About an hour and a half and you go, get me out.
[00:25:59]  Truly.
[00:26:00]  And then there's some amazing ones that are great.
[00:26:02]  And, you know, I'm not trying to be ungrateful here.
[00:26:06]  And I'm so happy that they exist.
[00:26:08]  But I'm also just being honest as a human on earth, saying that like they're, they're disgusting, most of them.
[00:26:15]  Do you know what I mean?
[00:26:16]  Do you see what I'm saying?
[00:26:17]  They're gross.
[00:26:18]  They're absolutely filthy and disgusting.
[00:26:21]  And some of the people that work there are some of the most depressing people you'll ever meet.
[00:26:26]  I mean, they come in and every, every, their lives are just a succession of horrors.
[00:26:31]  You're in the green room and these people come in and start telling me the divorce and the dog's sick and every, you know, and everybody's dead and dying.
[00:26:39]  And remember this guy?
[00:26:41]  And then I'm, I'm somewhere in the south and the guy's coming in and he's telling me how many country music stars coming to the place.
[00:26:47]  And he's like, he's like, you know Dirks Bentley?
[00:26:50]  I'm like, no, I don't.
[00:26:51]  Can you leave?
[00:26:52]  I'm trying to get my head together here so I can go out and entertain people, but I get it.
[00:26:57]  And by the way, support these places, please.
[00:27:00]  I'm not saying not to support them because they are real businesses.
[00:27:04]  They're not, you know, it's not a non-fungible token.
[00:27:07]  It's an actual place.
[00:27:08]  You're seeing actual live stand-up, one of the last bastions of free speech.
[00:27:12]  But let's also be a little honest about what a lot of these places are.
[00:27:18]  A lot of them are in malls.
[00:27:21]  And a lot of them are just not really great.
[00:27:29]  Some of them are, but some of them are not.
[00:27:32]  And I hope they survive and I want them to survive, but maybe they'll evolve.
[00:27:36]  Maybe they'll evolve and the food will get better and they'll look a little cooler.
[00:27:40]  I don't know what the next iteration of these things are, but like, you know, I mean, the real bad ones are like bonkers in like a hotel, literally like a hotel conference room, where you get up and like they've the people that like would have gone to the live Gator park that day have been persuaded to go see you do comedy in the in the conference room of a like Howard Johnson's hotel,
[00:28:10]  and they're called bonkers.
[00:28:13]  Can you imagine and they're in Florida and support them, but can you imagine?
[00:28:20]  One room is at like a Bass Pro shops or something, right?
[00:28:22]  Why not?
[00:28:24]  Why not?
[00:28:25]  And then you go in and you earn like, I mean, I'm earning good money because people are buying tickets, but you go into like bonkers and you're on a makeshift stage in a conference room in like Florida and you're saying to yourself, it just feels old.
[00:28:47]  A lot of the way these places are configured, there's, they have not evolved since the 80s.
[00:28:53]  Like the comedy club has not made a massive transition and it shouldn't be that.
[00:28:58]  Here's the thing.
[00:28:58]  It shouldn't evolve that much.
[00:28:59]  Like it should, I like the older ones where it's darker, smaller, low ceilings.
[00:29:05]  But like some of the newer ones or the ones that were built in the 80s and 90s, they look like a high-end bowling alley.
[00:29:12]  Like imagine that.
[00:29:13]  It's like a high-end bowling alley, you know?
[00:29:16]  And it just, so I think the next run after we do some of these clubs, which I love, we might get into music venues.
[00:29:24]  We might try to find cool, weird places.
[00:29:26]  I did a theater in Toronto once.
[00:29:28]  It was great.
[00:29:28]  It was like cold.
[00:29:29]  People like vaping in the theater.
[00:29:31]  Everyone had their jacket on.
[00:29:32]  It felt like a homeless shelter, but like, it was a lot of fun.
[00:29:36]  But the comedy club has not evolved much in the time that, and I get it.
[00:29:42]  The last year has been very hard for these clubs and you should go out to support them.
[00:29:45]  But just notice that I'm a little right when you do.
[00:29:48]  Look around and go, yeah, this is, it's dated, but everything's dated, I guess.
[00:29:52]  You go around the country, most things are dated.
[00:29:55]  There are still malls.
[00:29:56]  You know, people still go out to the mall and eat the prencil and walk around and try on clothes in a fitting room.
[00:30:02]  And you go, no, you don't do that.
[00:30:04]  You buy the clothes on the internet.
[00:30:07]  You don't go to the mall anymore.
[00:30:09]  You don't have to go to the mall.
[00:30:10]  I understand that it's nice, I guess, to walk around a mall, but you don't have to do it.
[00:30:16]  You're walking around a mall.
[00:30:18]  You almost feel like you're walking around Alcatraz.
[00:30:21]  You're walking around a place that shouldn't exist anymore and does.
[00:30:24]  And it's weird.
[00:30:25]  And then the food court's there.
[00:30:28]  And they've always got like a Chinese restaurant, a Chinese restaurant with like a weird name.
[00:30:33]  It's always kind of vaguely racist.
[00:30:35]  You know, it's like Mr. Wang's or something.
[00:30:37]  And it's just people that you'll just see people there just eating Lomain with like a Dickie's bag.
[00:30:43]  And they just went to go get put a pants on at Dickie's.
[00:30:47]  And now they're going to eat fucking Lomain, 3,000 calories and MSG and go home and then the pants don't fit.
[00:30:54]  You know, it's, we haven't figured out a lot of shit on this planet.
[00:30:58]  We're not evolving that quickly.
[00:30:59]  You'd think we'd be evolving at a little quicker pace.
[00:31:02]  We're really not.
[00:31:03]  Because the only other option is the internet, which also sucks because you get it, doesn't fit.
[00:31:07]  You're on the internet.
[00:31:08]  That's alienating and sad.
[00:31:10]  And you're like jacking it.
[00:31:11]  And then you're like, all right, I got to buy clothes.
[00:31:12]  And then I'm fighting with my aunt on Facebook.
[00:31:15]  And then what?
[00:31:15]  I want an NFT and it's not good.
[00:31:18]  You've set up this digital world for yourself that sucks.
[00:31:20]  But the real world also sucks.
[00:31:22]  Like now that things are opening, you start to realize, man, the real world kind of sucks a little bit too.
[00:31:28]  Not all of it.
[00:31:29]  There's some great things out there, but a lot of the things, like there's no evolution.
[00:31:33]  Like we haven't built a cooler, newer version of the mall.
[00:31:37]  There's no cooler, newer version of these things.
[00:31:39]  You know what I mean?
[00:31:40]  Like it just feels, the only thing we've done is made them for rich people.
[00:31:46]  So we've just built malls for wealthy people.
[00:31:49]  Like we've made malls and go, well, everything's Gucci.
[00:31:53]  And here's sugarfish sushi.
[00:31:55]  And that's all we've done.
[00:31:57]  But there's not a lot of new things happening out there.
[00:32:02]  But we, you know, and you'll notice this as you open up.
[00:32:05]  Opening up is going to be very interesting.
[00:32:06]  Everyone's going to be out.
[00:32:07]  It's going to be like, this is fucking great.
[00:32:10]  And they're going to look around and go, the country is kind of shocked.
[00:32:15]  They're going to be like, finally, I'm back.
[00:32:18]  You start looking around.
[00:32:19]  You start noticing how decrepit most things are.
[00:32:23]  You might walk right back in your house after that, by the way.
[00:32:26]  You might tiptoe right the fuck back in your front door, sit down and say, fuck it.
[00:32:32]  Because when you go back out, you realize that COVID was the nail in the coffin for just said like a lot of these businesses and a lot of these, you know, the public parks are bad.
[00:32:43]  Like the public is just homeless in the park.
[00:32:46]  And there's like hiking trails, I guess, in parts of the country.
[00:32:50]  But the country looks bad.
[00:32:52]  It looks shot.
[00:32:53]  The country's a cancer patient.
[00:32:55]  The country's on dialysis.
[00:32:57]  The country's got a late stage venal disease.
[00:33:01]  And we are like, we're all going to go back out and then start to realize that like, oh, things, things need help.
[00:33:09]  We need to like, things need a little lipstick and rouge out there.
[00:33:12]  It's not, you know, we were in a, we were in a restaurant the other day, a Friday's type of restaurant that we had to be in.
[00:33:20]  And you're looking around.
[00:33:22]  And I know these places have been through hell.
[00:33:24]  So don't yell at me and go, you don't know.
[00:33:26]  Like when I uploaded that photo of Cleveland of the steel mill and I'm like, Cleveland's a lovely city.
[00:33:31]  And they go, that's American steel.
[00:33:34]  What do you want the TACOMs to do to steel?
[00:33:36]  I'm like, no, it just looks gross.
[00:33:39]  I'm sorry it looks bad.
[00:33:41]  I know it serves a function.
[00:33:43]  It's just, it's all smog and smoke and it looks like shit.
[00:33:46]  I understand.
[00:33:47]  Could we have a city with steel plants and not have people walking around dressed in Reynolds wrap?
[00:33:52]  Is that possible?
[00:33:53]  That we don't have to have boarded up houses and people walking around in cellophane?
[00:33:58]  That's all.
[00:33:58]  I'm sorry.
[00:34:00]  I wasn't making an anti-steel post on my Instagram, but how perceptive of you?
[00:34:06]  That's American steel, dummy.
[00:34:08]  Good.
[00:34:09]  I'm just saying when you get back out there, it's not going to be, I don't know what you're expecting.
[00:34:15]  It's like not seeing someone for a while.
[00:34:18]  You don't see someone for a while.
[00:34:20]  And then they walk in and you go, God, God, how's it been?
[00:34:27]  You know how bad you look if somebody comes up to you and they're like, how's it been?
[00:34:30]  How have you been?
[00:34:32]  You okay?
[00:34:33]  You okay?
[00:34:34]  Like, that's what America is going to look like when we all go back.
[00:34:37]  You go, you okay?
[00:34:39]  It's okay.
[00:34:39]  Are you okay?

=== America Returns to Normal (10:18) ===

[00:34:41]  Just waitresses shaking, trying to put entrees down on the table.
[00:34:46]  Nobody's had any money.
[00:34:47]  Everybody's spent all their money on Soldier Boys NFT.
[00:34:51]  Cities are just descending into chaos.
[00:34:53]  You have just people shooting each other all the time.
[00:34:56]  Crime is on the rise everywhere, except online, except it is on the rise online, you know?
[00:35:03]  It's like school shootings came back as soon as indoor classes started.
[00:35:08]  Mark Norman had a tweet.
[00:35:09]  He was like, we're back.
[00:35:10]  School shootings are back.
[00:35:12]  I mean, I want everything to open up and I want to go back out there, but also realize what's coming with that.
[00:35:17]  It's not all going to be sunshine and song.
[00:35:20]  There's going to be some, I mean, kids have not shot each other in a year.
[00:35:25]  Like they're ready to go.
[00:35:26]  Kids are ready to shoot each other.
[00:35:28]  They're teachers, administrators.
[00:35:30]  They're ready to go on like day one.
[00:35:32]  That kid came in and just started firing wildly on day one.
[00:35:36]  I mean, I think the teachers should start shooting the kids when they go back.
[00:35:39]  I hope teachers start shooting kids when schools open up again.
[00:35:44]  I hope teachers just turn around and start shooting them in their little fucking heads.
[00:35:48]  That's what I hope happens.
[00:35:50]  That's what's going to happen when things open up.
[00:35:53]  When things open up, you could go out to eat.
[00:35:55]  People are going to forget your balsamic vinaigrette again and you're going to sit there with your hands clenched and you're going to want to go up and hit them.
[00:36:02]  They're going to bring the appetizers and the entrees at the same fucking time like they don't know that's a problem.
[00:36:09]  Again, that's coming back.
[00:36:10]  Yes, you'll be able to leave your house.
[00:36:12]  Yes, but things are coming back with it.
[00:36:14]  The long line at the car wash will be back because people aren't afraid.
[00:36:21]  Crowded public transportation is coming back.
[00:36:25]  It's all back.
[00:36:25]  You could sit in a movie theater next to some vector of disease.
[00:36:30]  A diner where you can watch a divorced dad try to bond with his son who hates him.
[00:36:35]  That's all coming back.
[00:36:37]  You're going to have to see your family again.
[00:36:39]  Thanksgiving might fucking happen this year.
[00:36:42]  You're going to have to sit down next to Aunt QAnon and Uncle Drunk touches you and you're going to have to sit there and choke down mashed potatoes next to those two.
[00:36:54]  All because of this dumb vaccine, which we could have just avoided.
[00:37:01]  Thanksgiving's going to be back.
[00:37:02]  Your office is back.
[00:37:04]  You haven't seen Doreen in a while.
[00:37:06]  She's back.
[00:37:07]  Hi, we're back.
[00:37:10]  Who wants coffee?
[00:37:11]  The office, office life's coming back.
[00:37:14]  Sit there and talk to Chuck.
[00:37:16]  He just started watching the Americans.
[00:37:19]  He thinks he's living next to a communist spy.
[00:37:22]  Chuck's going to fill you in on that in the break room.
[00:37:25]  That's coming back.
[00:37:26]  Get excited.
[00:37:27]  Your kids are going to go to start going to school again.
[00:37:30]  It's going to be much easier for them to get heroin and fucked in the mouth.
[00:37:34]  That's happening.
[00:37:36]  Your daughter's going to have a venereal disease in about six months because we vaccinated everybody and we're ready to go.
[00:37:42]  So that's back if she doesn't get shot in the face by one of these antisocial kids who spent the last 12 months reading about Bitcoin.
[00:37:49]  So that's back.
[00:37:51]  You happy?
[00:37:52]  You happy you got your second shot and you're back now?
[00:37:55]  Traffic will be back.
[00:37:56]  It's already kind of back.
[00:37:58]  You could sit in traffic.
[00:37:59]  You got that long commute to work, pass by billboards of televangelists and healthcare companies that denied you.
[00:38:06]  You could pull into your little fucking thing at your data entry job, go in there, sit down next to somebody named Michelle, and you guys sit there and you walk in and there's a crusty donut left from yesterday, but you just put that down your throat and you get to have a nice fucking caramel latte that's 2,800 calories and it buzzes you up for only 45 minutes and then you got to start taking the pills because nothing else works.
[00:38:30]  That's coming back.
[00:38:32]  Open it up.
[00:38:34]  Open it all up.
[00:38:37]  It's coming and don't you worry about it.
[00:38:41]  I'm just saying, hey, I know we need to open up, but let's do it with open eyes.
[00:38:47]  Let's open up with open eyes here.
[00:38:50]  Maybe we don't have to go back to everything we did.
[00:38:54]  Maybe we can be smarter and safer, okay, about some of the things that we used to do.
[00:39:01]  You know?
[00:39:03]  That's all.
[00:39:04]  That's all I'm saying.
[00:39:05]  I'm not saying don't be excited about, I'm excited about it.
[00:39:09]  I'm excited about everything opening up again.
[00:39:13]  And I want to see everyone I've missed for the last year.
[00:39:18]  I've been very, all these young kids are killing themselves because they have no friends.
[00:39:24]  I'm going to kill myself when I'm forced to see my friends again.
[00:39:29]  Do you understand the difference?
[00:39:31]  I've been on the planet long enough to know you don't kill yourself when you have no friends.
[00:39:36]  It's a mark of virtue to not have any friends.
[00:39:39]  Most people don't realize that.
[00:39:40]  It's actually biblical.
[00:39:42]  Christ didn't have any friends.
[00:39:46]  Exactly.
[00:39:48]  But I'm excited for things to come back.
[00:39:51]  I know that people probably say, I feel like he's not, but I am.
[00:39:55]  It's going to be fun.
[00:39:56]  Things are coming back.
[00:39:57]  We're going to do a bunch of crazy, cool shit when we're allowed to do it at capacity.
[00:40:02]  Really cool, weird comedy experiences that we're trying to work with different people and companies and investors to do and shit like that.
[00:40:10]  And I'm pumped about it.
[00:40:13]  I just know that it's going to be funny because, and it's just human nature.
[00:40:16]  Everyone that's begging for everything to open because we need it to open, by the way, there's no other option.
[00:40:20]  We can't just stay in our homes, but it's just going to be funny the first time you start complaining again about the open world.
[00:40:26]  Cause that'll happen.
[00:40:27]  Like the first time you're like, oh, fuck.
[00:40:29]  First time you walk into a store, it's just packed.
[00:40:32]  You're like, fuck this.
[00:40:34]  It's true.
[00:40:35]  It's coming.
[00:40:36]  The first complaint you have about it.
[00:40:39]  Remember how nice LA was with no traffic when everyone was scared to death?
[00:40:43]  They were scared in their homes.
[00:40:45]  They were just scared, terrified of leaving their homes the way it should be.
[00:40:51]  And then now the traffic's back out.
[00:40:54]  People are having quinceieras on the beach.
[00:40:56]  Get off the beach.
[00:40:58]  They're doing quinceieras on the beach in Malibu.
[00:41:03]  They're smashing piñatas in Malibu on the beach.
[00:41:07]  Clean it up.
[00:41:10]  And I'm not, it's keen signera because that's what I saw.
[00:41:15]  I don't care if it was a, I don't want a white bitch there with a piñata either.
[00:41:18]  So don't come at me.
[00:41:21]  I'm just saying there's a lot of fun stuff that's going to be happening very soon that will also anger you.
[00:41:28]  I've gotten a little used to not seeing as many people.
[00:41:34]  And I'm going to obviously get used to seeing more of them, which will be lovely.
[00:41:39]  And my family, I guess I'll have to see my, I guess at some point, I will have to see my family.
[00:41:46]  My mother's in her nursing home.
[00:41:48]  They've just locked her up.
[00:41:49]  No one can see her.
[00:41:50]  I just wave at her through the window and tell her what NFT to buy.
[00:41:53]  Now I'm going to have to go in there and actually talk to her, which is fine.
[00:41:58]  But you got to realize what's about to happen here, folks.
[00:42:01]  Are you prepared?
[00:42:01]  You got to just get ready for it.
[00:42:02]  Bob and Weave, Bob and you got to get ready for it.
[00:42:06]  Many of you think you want it until it's here.
[00:42:09]  It's like anything.
[00:42:10]  You think you want it and then it's here.
[00:42:12]  And then you're like, wait, what?
[00:42:14]  But this digital hell can't last.
[00:42:17]  That's true.
[00:42:18]  We need to go out and see people.
[00:42:19]  We need humanity.
[00:42:20]  We need real friends.
[00:42:22]  We need to look at them.
[00:42:23]  We need to realize why we didn't talk to them that much over the last year because they're non-essential to us.
[00:42:28]  That's the other thing.
[00:42:29]  If you didn't talk to someone over the last year, it's really like, I mean, I know you'll go out, you'll patch those friendships to an extent, but like there's going to be a lot of people that reconnect with you after this whole thing where you're going to be sitting there going, looking at them going, I don't need you.
[00:42:45]  This year showed you what you needed.
[00:42:48]  What you need.
[00:42:49]  You don't need a lot of things and people.
[00:42:51]  You don't.
[00:42:52]  This year simplified our lives in a weird way.
[00:42:55]  It complicated them, but it also simplified them.
[00:42:58]  You know what I mean?
[00:43:00]  Like I realize that all I need is Ben and then on the other side of this camera, 500,000 domestic terrorists.
[00:43:09]  I don't need a lot.
[00:43:11]  I just need half a million people, many of whom are on a watch list and him.
[00:43:16]  I'm not, I don't need a ton of other things going on in my life, you know?
[00:43:21]  You know, I need a couple of good-looking gentlemen with six packs or a little younger that want Gucci shoes.
[00:43:29]  That's what I need.
[00:43:30]  I don't need an endless supply of social interactions.
[00:43:34]  find them to be a little meaningless, but I'm getting older.
[00:43:37]  So I'm 36.
[00:43:39]  You're getting older.
[00:43:41]  You know, I get it.
[00:43:42]  If this happened, I was 22, I'd be like, man, I fucking can't believe it.
[00:43:48]  Dude, what?
[00:43:50]  Now I'm like, I'm like dreading.
[00:43:52]  I pray every day.
[00:43:53]  I turn on the TV.
[00:43:54]  I pray for the new strain.
[00:43:56]  I pray that people's faces start melting off with this.
[00:43:59]  I go, come on.
[00:44:00]  Can I roll the dice?
[00:44:00]  I'm like, give me Brazil.
[00:44:03]  Give me Brazil.
[00:44:04]  Because I'm just trying to avoid Thanksgiving.
[00:44:06]  So I'm like, roll the dice.
[00:44:09]  Come on.
[00:44:09]  Give me something from Pakistan.
[00:44:11]  Give it to me.
[00:44:11]  Good.
[00:44:13]  I don't know.
[00:44:14]  It won't be over that soon, but it'll be over soon enough.
[00:44:17]  I do hope it ends.
[00:44:18]  We need new things.
[00:44:19]  We need new things to be angry at and mad at.
[00:44:21]  And we need new challenges in life.
[00:44:24]  We need to go out there and people need to fuck again and meet each other and have physical relationships.
[00:44:30]  You know, I mean, I get it, you know, but it's a very interesting thing to be just let out of the cage, just let out of the cage.
[00:44:38]  Like, here's the reality.
[00:44:41]  When you let the kids out of the ice cage, many of them were like, hey, man, it sucked in there, but this is also bad wherever they put them.
[00:44:51]  I don't know.
[00:44:52]  You know what I mean?
[00:44:55]  Should I broadcast from one of the Biden administration ice cages for a week?

=== Freeing People from Digital Cages (06:14) ===

[00:45:00]  Because Biden hasn't shut them down either.
[00:45:02]  Just go live.
[00:45:03]  Just go live.
[00:45:04]  Should I just do like a 48-hour live event from a detention, from an immigration detention facility?
[00:45:12]  I mean, can we sell immigrant children as NFTs to release them?
[00:45:22]  That's a question.
[00:45:23]  Can we sell children detained at the immigration center as NFTs?
[00:45:28]  Can Mark Cuban do that?
[00:45:29]  Can Mark Cuban take a picture of a child in a cage dancing, sell it, raise the money to get that little guy out?
[00:45:39]  And we'd have to explain to him, Jose, you're an NFT now.
[00:45:44]  You're a non-fungible token.
[00:45:46]  Okay.
[00:45:46]  You're a non-fungible token.
[00:45:48]  You're out of here.
[00:45:50]  And we turn to the next one and go, you're not a non-fungible token yet.
[00:45:54]  Back in.
[00:45:55]  I'm laughing.
[00:45:56]  I, of course, am for abolishing the cages.
[00:45:58]  So don't get angry at me.
[00:45:59]  I don't want any children in cages.
[00:46:01]  And I never did.
[00:46:02]  So don't, oh, Tom, I'm making fun of a horrible situation, you know?
[00:46:06]  I also didn't want the My Life massacre.
[00:46:08]  You know, I'm not involved in the decision making that's happening here, by the way.
[00:46:13]  So don't come at me.
[00:46:14]  I just, I want to know what the limits to the NFTs are.
[00:46:17]  That's my point.
[00:46:18]  I'm wondering what, what, what, when does it end?
[00:46:22]  What can we, you know, to porn stars, start selling an NFT of them just.
[00:46:29]  Oh, for sure.
[00:46:31]  Yeah.
[00:46:34]  And once things, once we get into the virtual world, you know, people are buying digital real estate in these virtual worlds.
[00:46:38]  They could buy a private prison in the digital world and then free the people out of it.
[00:46:43]  What people, though?
[00:46:44]  The digital people in the in the game.
[00:46:47]  Because in the video games, people are buying houses because they're like, well, this house will.
[00:46:50]  But that's fine, but I want the private prisons on earth to be secure.
[00:46:56]  Is there a way to do that?
[00:46:57]  Let's free the people in the game.
[00:47:00]  It's a good idea.
[00:47:02]  Let's close the private prison in the game.
[00:47:05]  It's a phenomenal idea, but keep it on earth.
[00:47:08]  I think it's a great idea.
[00:47:10]  We're escaping fully into a digital world now, fully.
[00:47:14]  As we're opening back up, which is hilarious, you're going to open back up and go, what the fuck am I doing out here at Fud Rockers?
[00:47:20]  Doesn't make any sense.
[00:47:22]  I just want to go back and live in the digital world where I mean something.
[00:47:27]  I can close private prisons in the digital world.
[00:47:31]  I can't do anything out here.
[00:47:33]  I could go listen to Tim Dylan yell in a bowling alley, but there's nothing for me to do.
[00:47:39]  I can drive to my shitty strip mall office, sit there and try to rob people of their health care or whatever industries are left in this country, or I could fucking buy some NFTs and buy some digital real estate.
[00:47:53]  What the fuck is digital real estate?
[00:47:55]  It's this game.
[00:47:56]  It's the central land.
[00:47:57]  Like people are just buying plots of land in the game.
[00:48:00]  Right.
[00:48:01]  Good.
[00:48:02]  Why not?
[00:48:03]  Can't do it here.
[00:48:05]  Do it in the game.
[00:48:07]  Do it in the game.
[00:48:08]  Get the operation in the game.
[00:48:09]  Make political change in the game.
[00:48:11]  We just selected a humanitarian in the game.
[00:48:15]  I mean, it truly seems to be our only option.
[00:48:17]  Not to sound dystopian about it, but it seems to be our only option.
[00:48:21]  I don't see, is there a real world fix coming?
[00:48:25]  This seems to be a good option.
[00:48:27]  Just play the game and do the things in the game that you can no longer do on earth.
[00:48:34]  Sounds good.
[00:48:36]  Sounds good to me.
[00:48:38]  We're just opening the doors.
[00:48:39]  Everybody's like, you're allowed back out now.
[00:48:42]  You're like, but everything's digital.
[00:48:43]  Everything I care about.
[00:48:44]  All the money is digital.
[00:48:46]  Nobody accepts my money now.
[00:48:48]  I own a Lindsay Lohan NFT.
[00:48:51]  Can I get a sandwich with that?
[00:48:53]  I have Soldier Boy NFTs.
[00:48:55]  They go, what?
[00:48:56]  I don't have any physical money.
[00:48:58]  They didn't send me the unemployment check.
[00:49:00]  I only have an eighth of a Bitcoin and a Soldier Boy NFT.
[00:49:04]  What can that get me?
[00:49:07]  I have to go to the dentist and pay with fucking Mark Cuban gifs.
[00:49:11]  Like it's just very interesting.
[00:49:15]  You have two things colliding.
[00:49:16]  You have, we're falling further into the digital world.
[00:49:19]  At the same time, we're going back out into the world.
[00:49:21]  And these, this collision of these things is going to be very interesting to watch over the next few months and come in years.
[00:49:31]  Going to be very interesting because even though we're opening up as we should and need to, there seems to be just a complete surrender in many meaningful ways to the digital landscape and living there forever.
[00:49:48]  Yeah.
[00:49:48]  Wow.
[00:49:51]  Heavy concepts, folks.
[00:49:53]  Heavy concepts.
[00:49:56]  We'll all see how it works.
[00:49:58]  I don't know how it'll work.
[00:50:01]  We'll try to be funny if we're allowed to be, you know?
[00:50:06]  Seems to be.
[00:50:06]  Twitter, you said they're just getting rid of everyone?
[00:50:09]  Yeah, just it's a real purge, you know, mostly of the alt-right accounts and fringe right accounts.
[00:50:15]  But pretty much, I think everyone will be game over the next year as they become more of like a Patreon type platform.
[00:50:21]  Is that what we see Twitter evolving into?
[00:50:24]  Yeah, so people are going to start paying to subscribe.
[00:50:26]  You saw, subscribe to tweets, like VIP tweets.
[00:50:30]  You pay $5 a month and you can see like Tim Dylan's tweets, but just for his followers that pay.
[00:50:35]  That's the new subscription service with Twitter.
[00:50:37]  So is this a way of not seeing other people's tweets?
[00:50:40]  Can you curate your own timeline?
[00:50:42]  Is that no, you can just see special tweets that you are only letting people who pay to see.
[00:50:47]  But doesn't that sound like the way to get the most racism?
[00:50:53]  Right?
[00:50:54]  I guess, yeah.
[00:50:55]  Doesn't that sound like the way to get them like, hey, wink wink, this is a special tweet just for you.
[00:51:02]  These goddamn dotheads at the gas station.
[00:51:04]  Like, I mean, what do you think that's going to be used for?
[00:51:07]  That's going to be used for, you know, fitness advice?
[00:51:11]  You're saying they're purging Disney Plus now, too.

=== Disney's Racist Algorithm Problem (03:04) ===

[00:51:14]  They're trying to, they have this new algorithm that's identifying things that could be racist in Disney movies.
[00:51:20]  Yeah, let me find this direct quote right here.
[00:51:22]  Multiple Hollywood companies have been using an artificial intelligence program designed by researchers from USC's Vitterby School of Engineering to analyze films and shows for issues like gender representation and violence.
[00:51:32]  Now one studio also is weighing using AI to scan scripts in its archive for content like racial slurs.
[00:51:39]  So you have films like Gone with the Wind now.
[00:51:41]  So if someone's going to watch Gone with the Wind on one of these platforms, there's now a four-minute intro into the movie where they explain that racism is bad before you watch it.
[00:51:51]  I'm in Christ, almost.
[00:51:54]  Listen up.
[00:51:55]  Before you watch the feature presentation, we here would like you to know at Disney Plus would like you to know that slavery is not good.
[00:52:03]  It is bad.
[00:52:06]  And it was wrong.
[00:52:07]  And the Civil War was fought not to end slavery, but to preserve the union.
[00:52:13]  Do you see?
[00:52:15]  So these people that you're watching are part of the problem.
[00:52:19]  And what did you say?
[00:52:19]  There's a disclaimer before Aladdin?
[00:52:21]  Yeah, before Aladdin.
[00:52:22]  So films will that it says this film includes harmful stereotypes or harmful depictions.
[00:52:27]  What is that?
[00:52:28]  Is that a harmful stereotype about Arabs that they're on magic carpets?
[00:52:32]  That's the best stereotype about them there is.
[00:52:34]  Think about that.
[00:52:36]  I mean, if you heard a group of people could fly on a carpet, you go, that's cool as fuck.
[00:52:40]  You think after 9-11, that's the stereotype we should be fighting?
[00:52:44]  Is it that genies come out of lamps?
[00:52:45]  That's cool.
[00:52:46]  That's really cool.
[00:52:48]  I'm sure if you gave an Arab person a choice, you go, what should we believe about you?
[00:52:52]  That you can summon genies and fly on a carpet or that you're strapped with a bomb.
[00:52:58]  Maybe they'd go neither.
[00:52:59]  But if it said, well, if we had to believe one thing, they'd go, I would go with the genies.
[00:53:03]  Seems like I would get stopped at the airport less.
[00:53:07]  Yeah, the actual thing, it'll pop up.
[00:53:09]  It'll say, this program includes negative depictions and or mistreatment of people or cultures.
[00:53:15]  These stereotypes were wrong then and are wrong now.
[00:53:17]  And then the movie starts.
[00:53:22]  Okay.
[00:53:23]  Before like the jungle book, Dumbo, Aladdin.
[00:53:25]  Why is the jungle?
[00:53:26]  What happened in the jungle book?
[00:53:30]  I don't know.
[00:53:30]  He's Indian, so I guess it's because he's like naked.
[00:53:34]  Maybe it's showing that he's like poor or something.
[00:53:36]  Isn't he Indian in it?
[00:53:37]  He lives in the jungle.
[00:53:43]  Are they going to do this with white things like the Chronicles and Arnia?
[00:53:46]  Are they going to go, the white witch being like the ultimate white woman, cunt, who like lures Edmund into working for her by offering him Turkish delight is a wrong stereotype?
[00:53:57]  No, it's like, dude, we thought Mowgli was cool as a kid because he was like hanging out with bears in the jungle.
[00:54:03]  What?
[00:54:04]  Every other thing back then was like a fat white kid who's like, oh, chocolate.
[00:54:09]  And it was like, you know, like, and then like Mowgli was like thin and lived in the jungle.
[00:54:13]  He was like in shape.
[00:54:14]  You were like, oh, good for him.
[00:54:15]  As a kid, you were like, Mowgli's figured it out.
[00:54:17]  His best friend's a bear.

=== Owning COVID Deaths as Currency (06:34) ===

[00:54:18]  They hang out together every day.
[00:54:20]  And the other option was like just some like pale-faced, pasty British kid, like just fucking like eating a candy bar or something.
[00:54:29]  I mean, what are we talking about here?
[00:54:31]  This is nonsense.
[00:54:34]  And what in Dr. Seuss now they're getting rid of because the Grinch is a Jew or something?
[00:54:39]  Who cares?
[00:54:41]  Doesn't matter.
[00:54:44]  Didn't they?
[00:54:45]  That's what they found out, right?
[00:54:46]  That DeGrinch was a Jew?
[00:54:47]  Yeah, sure.
[00:54:49]  So what?
[00:54:50]  I'm serious.
[00:54:51]  I think that's why, I think that's why they got rid of that because they found out the Grinch's last name was Cohen.
[00:54:59]  The Grinch's name was Barry Cohen.
[00:55:02]  And they are mad at that.
[00:55:04]  They're mad at that.
[00:55:05]  She didn't like, I get it.
[00:55:07]  Christmas does get annoying.
[00:55:09]  There's so much red and green.
[00:55:11]  I'm aware.
[00:55:14]  I don't know, folks.
[00:55:15]  Anyway, upcoming dates.
[00:55:16]  Most of them are sold out, but you can grab tickets on the website, TimDylanComedy.com.
[00:55:20]  I'm always happy to be on the road.
[00:55:22]  I love comedy clubs and go.
[00:55:24]  No, I'm kidding.
[00:55:24]  I do.
[00:55:25]  And it is funny to be out again and we'll be back out.
[00:55:28]  I just got to go home and sleep in my own bed.
[00:55:30]  I'm very excited that the country's opening up, as I have detailed.
[00:55:33]  And I'm also very excited about the non-fungible tokens, which are absolutely 100% legitimate ways to support your favorite artist and or artists.
[00:55:42]  So we'll be looking into doing them too because you deserve it.
[00:55:47]  And I just think it's great.
[00:55:49]  I think it's all great.
[00:55:50]  And I'm excited about it.
[00:55:52]  And I'm excited about what's to come.
[00:55:55]  So you should be too.
[00:55:57]  And it's going to be a lot of fun out there.
[00:56:00]  And even when problems arise, I'm sure we will do what we've always done as a country, work together and come up with a coordinated response and just get better because that's what we do.
[00:56:11]  We just get better.
[00:56:13]  And I feel very good about the state of the economy.
[00:56:15]  I feel very good that billionaires are selling GIFs of themselves dancing.
[00:56:18]  I feel great about it.
[00:56:20]  I feel great about people blowing up spaceships while vast numbers of people are in poverty.
[00:56:25]  I feel absolutely great about this.
[00:56:27]  And I don't know why you don't.
[00:56:29]  I don't know why you are in this prison of negativity.
[00:56:32]  Buy real estate and the game online and close a private prison.
[00:56:36]  Free the people into prison online.
[00:56:39]  I don't understand the negativity constantly emanating from you people.
[00:56:43]  Everything is good.
[00:56:45]  Everything is good.
[00:56:46]  Everything is good and everything is money.
[00:56:50]  So what's the fucking problem?
[00:56:53]  Everything out there is money.
[00:56:54]  So don't worry that you don't have any of the money that you're used to and that you recognize.
[00:56:58]  Everything is coming together.
[00:57:01]  Lindsay Lohan sold a non-fungible token for $17,000 to some stalker or somebody who will probably kidnap her.
[00:57:11]  You should be able to kidnap her, by the way.
[00:57:13]  If you buy her a non-fungible token, you should be able to kidnap her.
[00:57:17]  That should be in the rules.
[00:57:18]  That should be allowed.
[00:57:21]  So just don't despair.
[00:57:23]  Things are good.
[00:57:26]  And I'm very happy and we're very happy to be back out on the road.
[00:57:31]  And we'll be back soon, back in the studio, because I can't, where the fuck am I?
[00:57:36]  I mean, where are we?
[00:57:37]  I can't.
[00:57:38]  I don't know, man.
[00:57:39]  I mean, this is rough, man.
[00:57:40]  Who's this?
[00:57:41]  What life is this?
[00:57:42]  Who's this for?
[00:57:43]  Get me an NFT.
[00:57:44]  Get me out of here.
[00:57:45]  Oh, before we leave too, Tim, everybody's DMing me asking you.
[00:57:49]  They want me to ask you what you think about Cuomo.
[00:57:51]  What's going on with him right now?
[00:57:52]  I mean, these people.
[00:57:53]  Are you over it?
[00:57:54]  Are you over it?
[00:57:56]  I just, I don't know about the, listen.
[00:57:59]  Yeah, was he creep to women?
[00:58:01]  Maybe, but he's also been an incredibly corrupt and inept leader.
[00:58:06]  He's been a very, very bad governor for years and no one seems to have cared.
[00:58:11]  And now like he like pinched someone's ass at a Christmas party and everyone's like, oh, he's got to go.
[00:58:16]  It's like, what about the nursing home genocide?
[00:58:20]  How about the dockhow he set up in nursing homes?
[00:58:23]  Does anyone care about that?
[00:58:25]  Does anyone have any care about Andrew Cuomo's little Auschwitz he set up there on Long Island?
[00:58:32]  Okay.
[00:58:33]  I'm no fan of the Cuomo family and they know that.
[00:58:37]  Or maybe they don't, but whatever.
[00:58:39]  I'm just not a fan of them.
[00:58:40]  But I think he should do an NFT.
[00:58:43]  I think you should do a non-fungible token of him just grabbing that chick's tit because I think that would make it all okay.
[00:58:51]  I'll tell you that.
[00:58:53]  You know?
[00:58:55]  We should sell non-fungible tokens to people who died of COVID.
[00:58:58]  Why not?
[00:59:00]  NFT COVID deaths.
[00:59:04]  Just taking pictures of people at the end.
[00:59:06]  Smile.
[00:59:07]  You're an NFT.
[00:59:08]  You're a non-fungible token.
[00:59:10]  Smile.
[00:59:12]  You're money now.
[00:59:14]  Why not turn the 500,000 people who died of COVID into money?
[00:59:20]  Are we stupid?
[00:59:22]  Why not turn COVID deaths into currency?
[00:59:29]  I can't think of any reason not to, and I'm appalled that it hasn't been thought up.
[00:59:35]  Go take a photo of everybody at the end ventilated, and they should now be money.
[00:59:43]  They should be money too.
[00:59:45]  If Lindsey Lohan can be money, then people that have died of COVID should be money.
[00:59:52]  I should be able to go and trade COVID deaths.
[00:59:59]  And I think that's where we're heading in this country.
[01:00:01]  And I'm excited about it.
[01:00:03]  And you should be too.
[01:00:04]  I'm excited about the idea that one day, sometime soon, you can own COVID deaths as currency.
[01:00:15]  Why not?
[01:00:17]  Why not?
[01:00:20]  Absolute currency.
[01:00:22]  You know?
[01:00:25]  Why not?
[01:00:27]  We're going to do a guest episode today, and the guest didn't show up.
[01:00:34]  We were?
[01:00:35]  Yeah.
[01:00:35]  Legit.
[01:00:36]  Legit.
[01:00:37]  We're going to have a guest that didn't show up.
[01:00:39]  Who was it?
[01:00:45]  I'm trying to get the name because it's like a comedian.
[01:00:51]  Crystalia.