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Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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Police Chases in Cleveland00:02:12
Cleveland, what the fuck is up?
This, this city, my favorite fact that I've just learned about Cleveland is that a councilwoman has issued a travel advisory, not for Syria, but for East Cleveland.
There is a travel advisory currently for the eastern half of this city because there are so many police chases.
This is a fact.
COVID is like number seven of what's destroying.
There is COVID hit here 30 years ago.
There are so many police chases, it's fucking up the traffic.
Like people are getting in accidents because cops are just ramming fucking pedestrians on their way to apprehend a murderer or something like that.
Terrifying.
You've never been to a place like this.
Never.
I'm a sweet West Texas boy.
Yeah, he's never been to this place.
I've been here five years in a row because comedy is good here.
Yeah.
Comedy is very good here.
Comedy is always good in places where people do not have hope.
This is a fact.
In places where, as the great Chris Hedges would say, people fetishize hope.
Comedy, my comedy is tough.
But here, I mean, this restaurant, and it's lovely, is the nicest place in Cleveland.
This is it.
By far.
This is it.
I mean, rotisserie chicken, that's it.
That's the best you're going to do in Cleveland.
Yeah.
You get a fried pickle.
The food here is puzzling to me.
The Polish boy sandwich, which is guy in the back.
What do you mean, come on?
Come on.
It's a, what is it?
Kielbasa, French fries, barbecue sauce, and coleslaw.
Comedy Without Hope00:15:53
Right?
Is that what it is?
I mean.
He doesn't even know.
Whatever Woody Allen did is not as bad as that.
Let's just say that right now.
I don't care what allegations come out about Woody Allen.
The tide is turning.
Rogan texted me today.
The tide is turning for Woody.
Really?
That's what Rogan said.
What's the evidence?
He also said water cured COVID.
He's like, it's like the movie Signs, ma'am.
It's water.
It's what it is.
Some night charm, ma'am.
Just throw water on it, ma'am.
Hey, I've done it eight times.
If he doesn't have me back, it is what it is.
Burn the bridges after you've crossed them multiple times.
That's what I say.
But no, it's Woody.
Did you see the first episode?
Yeah.
Put the whole family in jail.
Everyone, Mia, that God, she has a God complex.
You don't adopt 17 children from war-torn countries if you don't expect some of them to get fucked.
She's importing Taiwanese ladyboys for her perv husband.
She's not even adopting regular kids.
She's adopting sex dolls from a UN human trafficking list.
And I just keep looking at him if he's going to cut our mics.
But it's so, it's so crazy.
I want them all in jail.
I want Mia in jail.
Is she even Asian?
She looks so weird.
I don't know.
What is her race?
It's troubling.
What is Mia Farrow's race?
I don't know.
I want to know.
She's Irish.
She's supposed to be Irish.
She looks like a banshee, like an old Irish banshee.
And she just adopted those fucking kids.
And I think they should all just be put away, all of them in jail.
Moses, that little fucking Harry Potter.
Yeah.
The little Woody Allen guy.
I hope Moses is accused of something soon.
Because Moses is defending Woody Allen hardcore.
He is.
Yeah, Moses is out right now going, that's my fucking bro.
Nice.
Don't fuck him.
He took me fishing.
Yeah, he took me fishing.
He gave me, he bought me a pair of glasses.
Who gives a fuck who he fucks?
He married my sister.
It doesn't matter.
Because Moses, you got to throw that in.
You got to be like, yeah, he fucking married my sister.
Who cares?
He's my dad-ish, kind of, I don't know, didn't live with us, barely saw him.
Put Dylan in jail too for that fucking hair, that red hair.
Nothing justifies that.
I don't care what happened.
I don't care if fucking, I don't care what happened.
You cannot have blood-red hair and be taken seriously.
I don't feel any sympathy for you sitting there with blood-red hair.
And, you know, it's just rough.
Here's the thing with Dylan, and this is like me.
I was hot as a kid.
Legit.
Let me be very careful about how I phrase my issue here with Dylan Farrow.
Do you see where I'm going here?
If I was talking about getting molested now, you'd go, I don't know.
See what I mean?
But if I was a kid, that's why they keep having to show Dylan as a kid.
Because HBO's a little pedo weird, too.
They're like, no, but remember she did look like this.
Like, because Dylan's like, he would just take me to the fucking attic.
And HBO's like, okay, let's edit in because it's not believable.
At this juncture, it is very, I mean, she looks like she lives here.
You know, like, it's not.
I'm sorry, but she does.
It's a shitty person.
If you saw Dylan Farrow fucking serving beer cheese pretzels or whatever people eat here.
Half the city's a hospital.
That's the other thing I love about Cleveland.
Literally half the city is a clinic.
Half the entire city is a fucking clinic.
People just, I walked into a restaurant once, people just getting EKGs.
I'm like, oh.
I was like, oh, I thought this was the ground round, but apparently it's not.
But Dylan, Dylan has a problem that I have.
We did not age into our sex appeal.
We didn't.
That's okay.
But when you're describing those events, you know, it's a little like, we're like, her?
Because everybody's kind of doing that.
Everyone's like, wait a minute, her?
Really?
I hope it all works out.
HBO fucked up because they're releasing it, what is it, once a week?
It looks like once a week, which is.
Who the fuck?
Yeah.
Here's the thing with pedophile documentaries.
I know a little bit about them.
I know a little bit about pedophile.
You got to binge it.
You got to get in and out.
You got to get in and out of a good pedophile doc.
You can't be waiting because then you seem like a creep.
If you're waiting for the next installment, like you seem like a freak if you're out to launch, you turn around and you go, you know what I'm really waiting for?
I'm waiting for the next installment of the Woody Allen doc.
I think this time he fucks her.
I'm waiting for that, baby.
Give it to me.
You can't do that.
You can have four watch parties.
You can't have four Woody Allen watch parties.
Get a hero.
Come to the house.
This is the episode where they go to the attic, okay?
I'm getting the cake.
A quesada cake.
Which is good.
It's a Cleveland cake.
It has very dry angel food cake that's old and a strawberry-ish jelly and whipped cream.
So it's lovely.
It's lovely.
Oh, it is top of the line.
But, you know.
But I hope.
Hey, man, I hope Woody makes it out okay.
I have no, you know, it is what it is, you know.
I mean, I hope he didn't do it.
Yeah, mostly that.
Goes without saying.
I respect if she didn't do it.
I respect Mia and Dylan so fucking much.
Like, if they're still doing this shit to this fucking guy with HBO cameras on him and they're still sitting there and they're still going on, man, am I fucking like, wow.
I'll know it's bullshit if Dylan and Mia start a podcast together, like after this is all wrapped.
Dylan and Mia do a podcast about socialism after this.
Yeah, what's the product launch?
Yeah, that's true.
What's the merch line?
The Mia Pharaoh skin cream.
Yeah.
The Mia Pharaoh.
I mean, she literally, this is a fact.
I don't know if this is a fact, but I saw it.
She adopted a black daughter, and then she's like put a photo out, like, happy birthday, Shakshuka, whatever the daughter's name is.
It's a brunch dish, but it's something similar.
Sienna, who cares?
You know, Serena Williams.
And the point is, I'm just saying I don't know the name.
And the point is, supposedly she Googled in order to do that Mia Pharaoh black daughter to get a photo of the daughter.
Really?
Yeah, that's what I read online.
She put Mia Pharaoh Black Daughter just to find.
She has like 30 children.
She has too many kids from too many places to keep track of all of her children.
You know?
But we're bombing Syria.
So it's going to be good.
We're bombing.
Thank God.
Were you getting a little tired of us not bombing Syria?
I woke up every day feeling like shit because bombs were not dropping on hospitals in Syria.
I was so upset.
I said, when can we do a fake war with Syria?
And we're just bombing the shit out of Syria.
No one really knows why.
I think it's because the Bitcoin story is over.
I think that's literally what happened.
Like AMC stock tanked.
I lost 18 hunch.
The next time I see Dave Portnoy, I'm going to lunge at him when he's reviewing a pizza and bite his fucking neck.
He won't have me on that podcast with that TikToker.
I've tried to get on like multiple times.
No.
He won't have me on BFFs with him and the child that they discuss.
Have you watched that?
He does his thing and he says whatever he says, and then the kid goes like this.
The kid's like, Yeah.
The response to everything Dave says.
Dave's like, business is like this.
The kid's like, yeah, that's fire.
I had dinner with that kid.
We all went out to dinner, and that kid came to dinner.
And I was sitting there, and literally, we're all deciding on the appetizers.
And, you know, he's like sitting there and he's like.
And I go, I go, what do you want to eat?
And he goes, the calamari is fire.
I was like, okay.
This is like, this is where it's at, you know, but we're bombing Syria.
And to send a message.
To send a message to Yemen.
Yeah.
That we will continue to let Saudi Arabia carpet bomb you.
We don't know why.
We don't know why.
We're in war.
We have no idea why.
They used to make up reasons to go in.
Remember that ISIS, ISIL?
Remember that?
There were different ones.
Well, this is the Levant.
This is ISIS.
There's nothing now.
They don't even make up a fake.
There were fake things that they tried hard.
There'd be like five guys dressed like ninjas sawing a guy's head off.
And they'd be like, this is why we got to go in here.
And I'm like, there's more shit going on in East Cleveland than that.
Go to East Cleveland.
Like, there's much more shit going on in East Cleveland than there is in fucking Damascus.
But okay, they used to make shit up.
Now they now you just find out about it on Twitter and you go, all right, just bombing Syria.
It's that hypernormalization.
Did you see the new Adam Curtis doc?
Okay, well, eliminate that, Shankar.
It's good, but I'm just sick of his shit too.
Did you see hypernormalization?
He does these good docs.
He's like a BBC documentarian.
But his whole thing is like, here's why the world looks the way it does.
And it's like, dude, we get it.
Like, we know already how it looks.
You know, it's like.
Do you ever wonder how we got here?
Yeah.
Like, no, how do we get out of here?
Yeah.
How did we get to this place where no one believes anything and they never will?
What are we doing?
You know?
Do you know why we're in a place where no one can do anything to change anything?
And we're all sitting around staring at each other.
No one trusts anyone and everything is bad.
Yes.
Do we have a follow-up?
He just keeps doing that.
He keeps coasting on that.
You know?
Hey, man.
I just hope the Weinstein brothers have forgiven me.
I just hope they're bred.
So on Clubhouse, what's happening now?
I will mention them every podcast until we get in a full-scale war and they are not ready.
No idea what I will do.
No idea.
I'm kidding.
I agree with them.
That's the thing.
I hate getting in wars with people I agree with, but we'll do it.
But on Clubhouse, which is this app where you, it's an audio-only invite app where people talk to each other in these dumb little rooms and you have to get invited into them or whatever.
Woke people, like virulently woke people, have come into these rooms.
And what they're doing, and this is sad, but a little funny, is they are call, they're like, you have to be asked to be a speaker.
So what they're doing is they're calling like the wine scenes on stage on Clubhouse, like inviting them up, and then they're saying, like, fuck you, you're a geugenesist.
And then asking them for money.
They're like, hit my Venmo, you white piece of shit.
Literally, that's what people are doing on Clubhouse now.
They're like, dude, just hit my Venmo.
White people, you're not allowed to speak.
Just fucking hit my Venmo.
And some of them are doing it, I guess, these fucking cucks.
I don't know.
Some of these fucks are like, all right, I'll give you $19.
I'm sorry.
It's so weird.
It's such a weird app because it's like there's woke people.
There'll be a room where they'll be like, is Cobra Kai too white?
Yeah.
And then there'll be a room about like Bitcoin.
And then there'll be rooms that I do, which are like, I do the serious rooms, the ones that matter.
I'll do the rooms like how to become a cancer influencer, you know?
How to build a brand while in a prison for statutory rape.
I do the ones that matter, the ones that, you know?
The alt-right's on there now, by the way.
Is he alt-right on there?
Yeah, this is.
Thank Christ.
C-PAC, let him write in.
Thank God, I was getting bored.
QAnon's on there too.
Me and Ray did a room the other day, how to be both woke and QAnon.
We did a room where we go, the stunning lack of diversity at the Capitol Riot.
Just a sea of whites.
Not good.
I would like to see more.
I mean, Ray had a great point.
The great Ray Comp said, hey, if you can build, remember when they built the gallows for pence?
They built the gallows outside of Capitol.
If you have time to build the gallows, you can put in a wheelchair ramp.
And you can allow the disabled and differently abled.
And neuro, what's it called with the autistic, which everyone is now?
What do they call it?
Aspergers?
No, no.
They call it, is it differently abled or intellectually and developmentally disabled?
No, neurodivergent.
Neurodivergent.
We need autistic indigenous cripples to feel welcome in the Q movement.
And I want to invite them to also try to kill Nancy Pelosi with a letter opener.
Neurodivergent Q Movement00:02:59
Remember the quarantine started?
Everyone was like, the dolphins are back in the canals.
And it ended with a guy in Viking horns trying to kill AOC with a pen.
I was like, this is a real interesting turn this fucking shit has taken, huh?
Remember that dumb fucking thing, that poem in the beginning?
The guy's like, we are going to listen to each other.
He was talking to his kid online.
It's like a children's book.
We're going to learn how to listen.
We're going to learn.
Yeah, how did that work out?
Yeah.
But I mean, that's my hope.
My hope is that we're able to, but I don't know what's going to happen with that app either.
I mean, that app could bomb when everyone gets vaccinated.
By the way, they're vaccinating everyone way too quickly.
I'm getting very nervous because I don't want to see anyone for a few years.
I'm getting a little nervous that Thanksgiving might happen.
Are you watching Thanksgiving like a hawk?
They're like, we vaccinated 100 people.
I'm like, why don't you slow the fuck down?
How about you not vaccinate a few people?
I don't need to see my fucking aunt.
I, yeah, she is not happy with me.
I don't know that I'll ever be able to go to another family event now that I have destroyed that relationship.
But everyone in my family secretly was texting me, like, dude, you got her so good.
That's how you know you're from an Irish family.
Everyone's like, it's so good.
I thought they were calling to disown me.
They're like, you nailed that bitch.
I'm like, she started.
For eksempel melkeglede med deilig melke-krem som smelter på tungen.
Har lufta gått litt ut av deg?
Prøv Stratos da vel!
Den luftige melke-sjokoladen som bobler av glede.
Ta en bit og la den smelte på tungen.
Oi, oi, nå snakker vi.
Det var hyggelig.
Det bare slo det meg.
Vi snakket jo bare luft.
Luft hører hjemme i sjokolade som i Stratos.
Den luftige melke-sjokoladen som bobler av glede.
Hei, du har kommet til Aschim, gjenferd og ånde utrivelse.
Vi tar spøk på alvor.
Hei, jeg tror vi har blitt hjemsøkt.
Altså, det er noen som prøver å komme seg ut av veggen her.
Er det noen som vet av hva det var?
Nei, ikke som jeg vet.
Ja, men da er Bridget Jones da.
Hæ?
Ja, eller du vet ikke.
Altså, serier, filmer, dokumentarer, sånne ting da.
Åja.
Alt for mange vet ikke at de har TV2 Play i veggen.
Eller i TV-pakka da.
She's a touch and no vegan.
Everybody's talking about Bitcoin.
Therapy and Bitcoin Talk00:06:28
Every unemployed loser that I know is talking about Bitcoin.
The excitement someone has in Bitcoin is directly proportional to literally having nothing else going on in their life.
Anyone with anything happening does not need to bring up Bitcoin every three minutes.
Are you invested in the market?
I am not.
Why?
Because I have no money to invest in the markets.
But you are.
I am.
Yeah.
I'm long on a couple things.
Ben thinks he's Warren Buffett because he has $750.
After he fucks his wife, she goes to bed and he goes down to his basement and goes on Reddit and just stares at the Dogecoin dog for three hours.
And yet he's been on Reddit every day for like the last two years, but somehow wasn't on it enough to make me any fucking money when we could have gone into GME fucking early.
I got on that fucking train late and got thrown the fuck off it.
You could have came.
It was just a meme.
I didn't think it was really going to be a revolution.
I didn't really think it was going to take off.
Well, we could have made some fucking money, dude, if you had fucking caught a fucking glimpse of what was happening.
You know what I mean?
We could have hooked up Dylan Farrow with some fucking investment advice.
Yeah.
What if Dylan Farrow made $19 million on GameStop?
What if she's like, it's very odd doing this documentary because I just didn't make $20 million on a very crazy play and a short squeeze on GameStop.
I would love if the next part of the documentary was just me and Farrow talking about Bitcoin for the entire hour.
What he never considered other currencies.
He just wanted to fuck Dylan.
I mean, it's it's it's bad out there.
I don't know how I feel about therapy.
It's good.
You were in it for a while, right?
Yeah, I had to stop though.
My therapist was too old and kind of like out of it.
Like, she was.
Like, I'd be like telling a story and she'd be like, what's Uber?
I'm like, you're missing the point.
That has nothing to do with what I'm trying to tell you.
How old was she?
I don't know.
Like an indistinguishable old.
You know what I mean?
Like, she was up there, like, really up there, probably close to 80, pushing 80, 74, 70.
How'd you get her?
She was free.
I mean, that was kind of it.
What is she doing?
Are you sure?
It was a therapist, not like an old lady in a church.
I wasn't sold.
I wasn't sold.
It might have been an old woman on a park bench you were talking to.
You're like forest gum.
Yeah, I told her one time, I was like, Yeah, I'm thinking about doing mushrooms.
She's like, That sounds nice.
I'm like, Well, maybe this isn't super helpful.
Like, I don't know.
She's like, I love mushrooms, peppers, onions.
You put them in a pan, you saute them.
And if you do it right, your husband doesn't punch you in the face.
I mean, you have an elderly therapist.
Yeah, she was nice, though.
She's nice.
I had one therapist.
This is literally the fact.
I had one therapist.
It was an Irish guy.
The worst cut of the therapist.
It was just the worst therapist because they're also five.
And I believe I was like, I don't know what it was.
It was like 14 years old or something.
And he's like, at the end of the session, like all he seemed to surmise, he was like, all right, so you're a homosexual and you love George W. Bush.
I was like, yeah, I think he has the right strategies for the time we're in.
I think we have to honor our commitment to the people of Iraq.
And I like to suck dick.
And I don't know what, why those things are all.
But at the end of the day, at the end of the thing, that was like his diagnosis.
He's like, you like Bush, but you don't like Bush, you know?
I'm like, right.
He's like, all right, well, that's $97.
I'm like, all right, well, I don't really think there's.
I don't think there's a need for.
Do people go to therapy in Florida where you're from, or does everyone just go to the, like, they don't, they don't even know, they wouldn't even consider that as an option.
Right.
Yeah.
Because why go to therapy when you could go to a bar called the Land Shark?
Exactly.
That is the therapy.
Yeah.
Florida, man, you love Florida so much.
I do.
I love it.
It's the greatest state in the union.
But it's objectively not.
It's probably not, no, but it is fun.
It is fun.
Yeah.
But life's not about fun.
No, it's not.
Thank you.
That's what me and Dan do on the road.
We're in a car and he says something like that.
And I go, but the world doesn't work like that.
And then he goes, yeah, yeah, I guess not.
Okay.
And then we just keep driving.
He's a happy kid.
I need a happy kid.
I can't have another me here.
You know?
You know, I'm like, Tower seven.
Then the other one goes, What about Tower One and Two?
We can't have that.
We can't have that, you know?
You know?
I go, Tower Seven.
He goes, Is that a good movie?
So that's why it works.
He's a happy guy.
Ben is a demon.
I mean, Ben is as dark.
Do you remember the exact quote from the car about East Cleveland last night?
Oh, I said I was trying to learn about East Cleveland on the plane.
He's the darkest human being.
And from what I can tell, it's just like people go to East Cleveland to like murder crackheads after they rape them.
That was the first thing he said.
Five minutes in the car.
Five minutes in.
He goes, And he has the delivery like this.
Hey, guys, what the vape?
He's like, people in East Cleveland are just murdering the crackheads they've raped.
I'm like, oh, what a fun.
And then we just listen to Chris Hedges' speeches driving around East Cleveland.
I don't know if you know Chris Hedges, but he's great.
And he's just this guy that he's just gets hit, like kind of what's going on.
And he's like, We're just driving around East Cleveland, and literally, we're watching Chris Hedges on YouTube.
And he's like, The issue before us is death.
The death of societies, the collective death of the globalized world, the death of industrialism.
I was just driving around.
When was, and I want to put this forth to the audience, did we have a mic that we could pass around?
Real Housewives of East Side00:03:18
Hey, do we have a wireless sample?
I want to know when Cleveland was a shit because I know the Rockefellers lived here, and I know you guys have the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
And I know that, like, shit was going on at one point.
You guys had Millionaires Row?
Yeah, Millionaires Row.
Yeah.
Look at those girls in the back.
Yes!
Millionaires row!
Yeah!
They are not.
That's the real housewives of Cleveland back there.
They winter in Cleveland and they summer in Cleveland.
The real housewives of Cleveland, some of them have refrigerators.
Can you imagine that sad housewives franchise?
My name is Dawn.
I live in Cleveland, Ohio.
I always knew I was one of the uppercrusts because we had two cars and they work.
My husband works in a tile factory.
It burnt down.
Now he's in the house all the time, which is strange, but I'm still taking a girls trip, you know?
The real housewives of Cleveland.
See how the other half lives.
The hottest woman on the real housewives of Cleveland would just be a diabetic who could afford insulin.
Literally just staying alive would be like the fucking like, you know how they have those shitty, like in the beginning of the show, they're like, you know, they'll be like, I don't care what anyone says about me.
I'm real.
Like those dumb little intros, it'll be a woman who's like, I have type one diabetes, but don't worry, boys, I can afford my needle.
The real housewives of Cleveland.
There's also a lot of people here that are like naturally transgender.
They don't have to have the surgery, which is nice.
There's a lot of naturally gender-nonspecific kind of orbs of flesh wandering around.
It's true.
So beaten down.
They get so beaten down.
What's a gender at that point?
You know, who cares?
Just a leathery-faced old catcher's mitt crawling down the street looking for a pool of beer to dunk their head in.
What's the fucking gender at that point?
You just open two legs, and all you see is mash potatoes anyway.
We heard some of the sounds.
So we got to check it.
What did you meet there?
The first thing we found was Norway back the facade.
So Norway was back the facade?
No, or Yann O'Kaddafi.
And then there were films.
Serious crime.
True crime.
Humor.
All for many don't know that they have TV2Play in the way.
Or in TV-packing.
Check on TV2Play.no.
And then last one here.
The last one.
Neighbors Uncensored Content00:08:51
They're going to reject a lot of these and we're going to have to cut them up.
If you hear them on the show, they'll be literally eight seconds.
They'll take out everything.
It'll just be like, ship station, good.
Literally, they will not.
We have to send the ads in for approval now.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's most of what my job as now is fighting with them to leave jokes in and edit.
What is their problem?
Why did the spoon turn?
Spoon was with us for a while, and then I went, tell everyone exactly what Spoon. Quote, Magic Spoon told me they said that we can't do any content about children getting abused or killed or killed.
That was their words.
In the ad.
We can't talk about children being killed or murdered or sexually assaulted.
Well, then I can't do it.
I try.
I edit it.
I mean, I'll try.
I'll try to get through it, but I mean, no promises.
The whole point of Magic Spoon is that the kids that grew up with those cereals growing up were the types of kids whose parents went to a bar all night, then came home, woke them out of a dead sleep, just started pounding on them for no reason, and then passed out.
The reward for those kids was a fucking nice Lucky Charms breakfast.
They didn't get college out of it.
They got a nice breakfast, and every now and then I get to go over their house.
They'd have a black eye, true story, and a bloody lip, and we'd have a great fucking cereal breakfast.
And that's what I was trying to capture.
And then some blue-hair fucking tech bitch.
They got really mad about the part I had to edit out was about the kid getting tied to the radiator and getting his head beaten in, and then them running him over with the car over and over.
That was brilliant.
I felt hungry hearing that.
I wanted a nice, crunchy keto cereal when hearing about that kid being beaten and then ran over with a car.
They didn't like that.
And who do you talk to over there?
People have to call you?
Yeah, they contact me through our ad guy, and then I have to barter with him.
Why don't they contact me?
I can include you on the call.
Oh, no, bad idea.
Bad idea.
I'll give them a fucking piece of my mind.
I'm not allowed to speak to anyone.
This is after the whole Airbnb fiasco.
I am to be kept silent in a room with cigarettes, and I'm to be let out an hour a week and then back into the cage.
I cannot speak to the world.
You know, but they never sued us, those ladies.
Who Mila and I do with the names now?
So let's not test that.
Sorry.
But they never sued us.
No, never.
Never.
But they were happy about Rogan's comment.
They were like, Joe Rogan is welcome anytime at this time.
How do you know?
Is that what they said?
Yeah, that's what they said on their Instagram story.
Is that what they said?
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, good.
Joe Rogan doesn't need to go to your house, you dirty dyke, because he has real fucking money, you stupid piece of shit.
Nobody needs to stay in your litter box of a fucking house, you cunts.
Wait, honeys, wait and watch.
We're just getting started, okay?
We're just getting fucking started.
You fucking clam divers.
They fucking went at me on the gram like that, and you didn't fucking tell me.
I thought you saw it.
I didn't fucking see.
I'm blocked.
No, ever since I threatened to kill them, I'm blocked.
I threatened to kill them.
They blocked me like children.
So wait a minute.
What did they do?
They shared that thing that Rogan said when you did the podcast last about how Rogan said it was a beautiful place and he'd love to stay at a place like that.
He's on DMT.
And they said, Joe Rogan is welcome anytime at our Airbnb.
Thank you so much, Joe.
Whatever.
I don't like this alliance between Joe Rogan and these two dykes.
I don't like it.
I can see it shaping up and I don't like it.
Do you think I did anything wrong?
No.
Dan, Dan sees a lot of my behavior, and much of it you probably disagree with.
I mean, who can agree with everything that someone does?
You know?
But you're a young person.
What you need to understand is when you're an older person, you realize the value of going to war with every person that you see.
We got in trouble for cutting the line at a Waterburg.
We did.
That was bullshit, though.
We didn't even know.
We didn't even know the line worked.
We didn't even know the line was functioning.
Yeah.
And it's supposed to be Texas, tough guy.
I'm Texas.
I'm a tough guy.
I'm going to shoot you.
And then you go on a Facebook group like a cunt and whine about it.
Yeah, neighbors uncensored.
Yeah, neighbors uncensored.
Ooh, 25.
You know what that group's about?
Hard R. You know what that Neighbors Uncensored in Texas is about?
Letting it fly.
Neighbors uncensored.
How much coded racial language is in that group?
I just want to post on Neighbors Uncensored about the new neighbors.
They seem a little different.
Does anyone share my concerns about the new neighbors?
They have a lot of children.
I don't know.
Athletic, sure, but I'm a little nervous.
I'm a little nervous about them darting out into the middle of the street to get a basketball, if you hear what I'm saying.
His neighbor is uncensored in Texas.
Du har en ny beskjed.
Hei Lars, Daniel fra Joka Buland der.
Du sa at du ventet et lass med barnebarn i Porsche.
Tror du vil synes at det passer med et lass med Ukas Joker, som er et utvalgt pølse for å gilde, friord, pinspråten og lei videre til minus 40 prosent.
Vi snakker.
Joker, den gode naboen.
Se hva som skjer med disse hendene.
Vi kan få dem ned.
Maybe we'll just put them out, but I will bleep out that part.
Well, don't we have to get approval?
We're not in a contract to get approval, but our word is our bond, right?
What a horrible bond.
What a horrible bond.
Should we do the wireless mic, by the way?
With the even wireless mic?
Is anyone working here?
Okay, thank you.
I feel like we've just gotten into like an abandoned homeless.
Give the wireless mic to someone.
I don't even care who it is.
Just give it to someone.
Someone that looks.
I spoke to Melanie the other day.
Yeah.
Really?
What was the follow-up?
You were supposed to call her a year ago, but it was 1:45 in the morning, and we're the dirtbags.
Yes.
See, the thing about having a fan base is sometimes it's very scary.
Sometimes it's very, very scary.
I do speak to Melanie.
Melanie's going to hopefully come out to visit us and podcast with us in March.
Are you Melanie?
Was that your only question?
That was it.
Okay.
Well, we're going to get Melanie.
We love Melanie.
Dude, Cleveland is fucking wild.
Remember three years ago, somebody named Melanie, we're going to call her what happened with that.
I don't know.
We're still going to do that.
We haven't found the time.
Was that it?
Yeah, yeah, that's my question.
It's been keeping me up nights for the last year and a half.
I was laying on a ventilator going, what am I going to melanay?
Okay, give it to someone else if you can.
I apologize.
When you guys come to the city, what do you actually do?
Because I live here and this is the first time I've left my house in four months.
Yeah, well, by the way, that's correct.
You're doing the right thing.
What do we do?
What did we do?
Went to the fig place.
What was it called?
The flying fig?
We went to the flying fig.
All right, rein it in.
Life After Ventilator00:12:08
It was fine.
Sweet people.
Loved it.
Love them.
We went to Town Hall.
Yeah.
We went there yesterday.
I mean, I don't know.
I don't want to break some bad news to you.
There's not a ton of extracurricular activities here that don't involve cooking a bunch of crystal and smoking it in an alley.
I don't want to walk through the rock and roll Hall of Fame.
Oh, the Ramones.
Like, who gives a shit?
Like, I wish it was nicer weather and I'd go walk around by the Nestle quick colored river or something and think about throwing myself in, which is usually, I'm usually here in the summer and I just walk by the river and imagine how many dead hookers.
Oh, I want to talk about my friend Bud Munster.
He died.
My friend Bud Munster died.
And Bud is a character from the show.
My friend Joe's father, I've gotten two boating accidents with him.
We used to drink together and do cocaine and take pills.
And he died, which is very sad because he'd never stopped doing that, which is not advisable.
But he was the coolest guy and one of my favorite people in the world.
And he said some of the funniest things that I've ever heard in my life.
You know, once his wife said to him, Bud, you should get it.
He was like the fun guy, the party guy.
We'd all go over to their house, high school parties and shit like that.
He'd take people out on his boat for 48 hours straight, just drunk and throw them in the water and watch them drown and stuff.
He was a good guy.
He loved freedom.
People don't value freedom anymore.
You know, these TikTok scum and everyone else.
But Bud, his wife said to him once, his wife goes, why don't you get a fucking job?
And he looked at her and he goes, what am I going to work like some loser?
Those are memories that I really cherish.
He was a good, a great man.
And it was very sad.
He kind of, I don't know if it was OD, I think it was kind of a suicide.
And his kids were, my friends are so dark.
They are the darkest.
When I tell Dan story, I mean, this poor little kid's head.
But I mean, my friends are the darkest.
He texted his family.
My life of service is over.
Let me get the exact text.
It was on my phone.
I wish I had it.
First of all, he didn't serve anyone.
So that's kind of hilarious.
Like, my life of service is over.
Like, he never did any for like anyone.
But he was fun with me.
Like, we had fun.
And that's important, too.
So many people forget that it's important to have fun, even with people that are doing horrible things.
And he said, he said, like, my life of service is over.
And he said, my earthly run, whatever he said, he goes, is over.
And his son had no idea he was serious because he used to threaten us all the time.
So his son literally said, this is the last words he said to his father.
His son literally texted him.
Okay, take care.
And then he did it.
But that's so fucking bud.
That's so bud to just end it like that, fucking bud.
Just what he goes, they're all going to feel like a piece of shit now.
I know that's what Bud felt like right at the end.
He goes, you know what?
They're all going to feel like shit.
Okay, take care.
Oh, I will take care.
Oh, I will take care.
And you're going to be feeling pretty stupid.
But we're all laughing about it, you know?
They want me to do the eulogy.
And I do want to, we might have to cancel the show.
I might have to fly down there and do the eulogy because I've had so many fun times with the guy.
He introduced me to Lisa's lounge to a place called the Helm.
I spent a decade of my life in a crippling drug addiction and financial ruin.
And a lot of that was with him.
And without that, there's no podcast.
Truly, to be honest with you, there's no podcast.
I would have went to some faggoty liberal arts school.
Truly, I would have been like, I believe in the future and hope.
I have a taint and whatever I would major in.
I'd just be like, fucking, I'd be a fat activist just like on the cover of a magazine with my fucking asshole out.
And I'd be living in Vermont and fucking, I'd be a full dyke.
I would have transitioned to a Les.
I would have split my fucking Irish dick out and just made it into a fat, fucking, fat French dip.
And I narrowly avoided that fate.
Okay, I could have came out of the closet easier, like when I was younger and been happy and like been financially stable and had a good life.
And man, we would all not be here.
So one of the reasons I didn't do that was because Bud Munster showed me sometimes it is more important to go out and get drunk than to heal the wounds of your childhood.
You know what I mean?
Sometimes, in Cleveland, you get this.
Sometimes that line of Coke is more important than seeing a shrink.
Sometimes that OxyContin is just what you need.
You don't need to call an old friend.
Do you understand?
Sometimes being drunk on a boat is just the best thing you can do at the time.
Bud Munster was a guy that went with me every day to a murder trial that changed my life.
Because after the murder trial, I said, I'm going to sober up.
I'm going to come out of the closet and then I'm going to do stand-up comedy.
But I was 25 years old.
I was the same age as you, literally, you know?
And Bud came to the murder trial every day with me because he was unemployed and he didn't have anything to do.
And he loved murder trials because they're really fun and they're interesting.
And if you ever get a chance to be a juror on a murder trial, do it.
Not one of these dumb things where like somebody slips and falls into Wendy's and they're like, I want 80 grand.
Who cares?
But I mean, I'm talking, this was murder, torture, rape.
The guy stabbed her in each eye, stabbed her so many times that the coroner didn't know how many.
They had to stop at 65.
He goes, the flesh is so bruised that at 65 times we had to stop.
So what I'm trying to say is this was well worth it.
You know, like this was a good, I mean, you know, it was a rough experience for everyone, her more so.
I did a lot of sitting and judging, which is nice in a jury box.
You sit and judge.
And I would crinkle chips.
You know, as the coroner was saying this, I'd be like, I'd be like, and there was a laceration on each eye.
And Bud would be sitting in the back.
They thought Bud was a member of the family.
They let Bud in the sentencing.
They let Bud go in the sentencing.
Because they thought, Bud, every day, Bud would come to, and then after we'd go to lunch every day, and then after the trial, we'd drive home and get drunk and then tell everyone at the local bar everything that was going on with the trot.
We'd like update them.
We'd be like, oh, they fucking brought this expert in and whatever and shit, you know.
And the guy was really guilty.
I'm not super sure about that, but he was like, he looked weird.
And he's in jail, life plus 50, but whatevs.
And Bud was a real big part of my life because he was there.
And we'd go to the trial every day.
And then he went to sentencing.
We went back for a sentencing.
Me and Bud went back for the sentencing.
The jury came back.
So it was like a big deal on Long Island.
You can look it up.
Don't overturn it or anything.
And then Bud went to the sentencing.
And then we went out afterwards a few days later.
We're on his boat and we crashed into the piling of a bridge.
And we fell off the boat and then we're like both bleeding.
And he looked at me.
He goes, You can't hang out with me anymore.
And I said, Why?
And he goes, I'm trying to kill myself.
Like, he said it very seriously.
He's like, I'm trying to kill myself.
And then it hit me.
I'm like, oh, he's trying to kill himself.
You know what I mean?
Like, this is not fun for him.
He's in the depths of an addiction.
But it was also a little fun.
But it was like, you know.
And then I forgot what I said.
I probably said, okay, take care.
But at the end of the day, I don't know what I said.
But, and then the last time I saw him was with you.
Yeah.
And you had met him briefly.
I did, yeah.
And what were your impressions?
It's not the most surprising thing.
Yeah.
You know, like he didn't seem super healthy.
You know, you ever seen the movie Adaptation?
Yes.
Was that actor Chris Cooper, Michael Cooper?
Yeah.
That guy, Chris?
Chris Cooper.
This is a Dan Carney basic bitch simulation.
This is when he does.
It's an Academy Award-winning film.
I know, I know.
This is when Dan will be.
You kind of look like him.
Have you ever seen fucking American Pie?
You know, Steve Luz, Mama.
Yeah, well.
But no, I know.
What do you want?
You kind of looked like him, but like with less ambition.
But it lived a life, a wild life.
He had like sold blow with like George Young back in the day.
He was hanging out in Fort Lauderdale when it was like called Fort Luderdale because there were so many Kwaluds there.
He spent a lot of time in Florida.
You know, really didn't work, like rarely worked, barely worked, didn't really work, didn't have jobs, which I always liked.
I like people that don't work.
I think they're fun.
Have you ever gone to someone's house a Tuesday at 11 a.m. and they're there?
There's something nice about that.
Right?
Isn't there something nice when someone's there at 11 a.m.
They'll just like, yeah, if you want to do something?
I'm like, yeah, fucking, let's do it.
You know?
I don't want to deal with people that are like, well, I got three meetings.
I got a four o'clock.
I look at it at 7:30.
No.
He was always home.
He was a special character, you know, and it's sad that he is no longer with us.
But I guess in one way, it's good because I don't know what the next, I don't know what like the back nine was gonna be.
Like there was no shot that it was gonna turn around and be good.
You know, he built a house in Georgia that's like crazy.
It looks crazy.
It's like it's it's like literally like built like a like a like just like someone on drugs built a house.
Like that's literally what it looks like.
Like things are uneven and walls don't make sense.
Like it's literally like a fucking maze.
So, but it is sad.
I mean it's sad.
Everyone's dying except my family.
How?
How in God's name has my family escaped?
What has come for everyone, you know?
Cleveland, it's an honor to be here.
You know, this is a real world-class city.
You may say, hey, a large percentage of our population dresses in Reynolds wrap.
Who cares?
Who cares?
Many of our restaurants serve fish, which is actually just chicken or fried bread.
Doesn't matter.
It's going to turn around.
I believe your time is coming.
You know what I like?
I truly, truly believe that Cleveland, like its best days are ahead of them.
But, but, I also believe that about Bud Munster.
Thank you guys so much.
You're a lot of fun.
Thank you guys for coming out.
We got a stand-up show.
You guys rock.
Ben Avery, Dan Carney, follow these guys.
Thank you so much.
We really appreciate it.
Have a good night!
Hi, Los.
Daniel from Juka Bülander.
True Dorford Passa at Los Meuka Juker, so Gilder, Frior, Pinsproten, Olai Vidal, Deminus, Fosti Prosants, Visnokas Jukit, Tengu Vonabon.