The Tim Dillon Show - 234 - Stop Ratting
Aired: 2021-01-10
Duration: 01:20:47


=== Stop Ratting On Idiots (12:28) ===

[00:00:00]  Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dylan Show.
[00:00:02]  I am Tim Dylan.
[00:00:03]  What a week we've had.
[00:00:04]  A little skirmish over there in the old Capitol.
[00:00:07]  Stop the ratting.
[00:00:10]  Stop ratting on all these idiots that ran into fucking the Capitol.
[00:00:14]  They're idiots.
[00:00:16]  Some of them did commit crimes.
[00:00:18]  A lot of them didn't.
[00:00:18]  They were just standing there being morons.
[00:00:21]  I told you this sobering up from the QAnon wasn't going to go well.
[00:00:25]  Who told you that?
[00:00:26]  I said that.
[00:00:28]  I've been on record going, they're not going to take it well when they find out that this shit's not really going to work out the way they want it to.
[00:00:37]  Imagine you thought you were saving the children and then you find out you're not, that no one's being saved and you're wrong.
[00:00:46]  And the people you've invested your fucking time into, in some cases your money, the people you had faith in have sold you down the river like Trump did when he went up and, you know, correctly was like, what the fuck?
[00:01:01]  Can't do this.
[00:01:03]  After encouraging them and egging them on.
[00:01:07]  Saying they were great people.
[00:01:08]  Then he went out and went, well, wait a minute.
[00:01:11]  But this is what happens.
[00:01:14]  This is a tough pill for those people to swallow.
[00:01:20]  But you don't need to rat on everybody in that crowd.
[00:01:24]  Come on.
[00:01:25]  I didn't even rat on the Airbnb who tried to destroy my life because we simply wanted to have a meal in their drug den in Joshua Tree.
[00:01:36]  I didn't even drop a dime on them because I am against ratting.
[00:01:45]  You know, just let it go.
[00:01:47]  Also, why do you want to do someone else's job for them?
[00:01:51]  Why do you want to do someone else's job?
[00:01:55]  That's the cops' job.
[00:01:56]  Let the cops figure out who stole Nancy Pelosi's pen.
[00:02:01]  You don't have to go into citizen detective mode and figure out who is responsible.
[00:02:08]  I mean, for doing whatever the hell they did.
[00:02:11]  Supposedly smearing shit.
[00:02:13]  Is that true?
[00:02:13]  Yeah, yeah.
[00:02:14]  They took shits in the bathrooms and tracked it all over the Capitol building.
[00:02:17]  Yeah.
[00:02:20]  They're doing what they're accusing the people, the Q is accusing the senators of doing.
[00:02:24]  These people are like, how do you like it?
[00:02:27]  But you don't have to go out there and, you know, where in the world is Carmen San Diego?
[00:02:31]  Where in the world is, you know, I don't know, the dude with the horns or whatever.
[00:02:36]  These people are going to get found out.
[00:02:38]  You don't have to be an online sleuth.
[00:02:40]  These people are going to get found out.
[00:02:42]  The cops are going to arrest them.
[00:02:43]  This is what's going to happen.
[00:02:45]  But it's so funny how schizophrenic everything is.
[00:02:47]  Like now everybody is like, cops are heroes.
[00:02:51]  These police are heroes.
[00:02:52]  The Capitol Police are heroes.
[00:02:55]  You see those cops?
[00:02:56]  They're heroes.
[00:02:58]  You see the black cop who's all the white people yelling at him?
[00:03:01]  He's a hero.
[00:03:02]  However, the black cop where the white and black mixed race crowd was yelling at him with the BLM protest, that guy's part of the problem.
[00:03:10]  But now that guy's a hero.
[00:03:12]  See, so nobody has any values.
[00:03:15]  Nothing matters.
[00:03:16]  Truly nothing matters.
[00:03:18]  No one really cares.
[00:03:19]  The cops are heroes now.
[00:03:22]  And protesting is bad.
[00:03:24]  Just being out of protest is bad.
[00:03:26]  And it should bar you from ever being employed again, ever.
[00:03:31]  No one should work ever again.
[00:03:33]  You should lose your job as an apprentice at the tattoo parlor.
[00:03:38]  These people don't have high-level jobs, but they work at like call centers.
[00:03:43]  Some poor guy, some schmuck who's gotten sucked into a QAnon cult because he can't afford any other type of cult.
[00:03:52]  He's fucking, you know, spends six months, thinks he's hunting pedophiles on 4chan.
[00:03:57]  And then he fucking goes to meet up with his friends.
[00:04:00]  All of a sudden he gets caught up in a moment and he's in the fucking chamber of, you know, Congress.
[00:04:07]  Yeah, I mean, it's a bad choice.
[00:04:09]  It's probably going to fuck him from doing certain things.
[00:04:12]  Let that schmuck, if he's charged with the crime, he's charged with the crime, whatever.
[00:04:18]  You know, if you got caught, you got caught.
[00:04:20]  But don't you go and, I mean, let the guy go back to the call center job.
[00:04:26]  This isn't the CFO of fucking Goldman Sachs running around there.
[00:04:31]  These people's lives are not great.
[00:04:33]  That's why they're there with a helmet on.
[00:04:36]  Nobody who's a really good life is in the Congress with a helmet on.
[00:04:40]  I'm telling you.
[00:04:42]  These people have mental problems.
[00:04:44]  Most of them.
[00:04:45]  It's the BLM people, a lot of them, the hardcore.
[00:04:49]  I'm talking about, you know, the 300-pound woman with purple hair, the people that are screaming and going nuts.
[00:04:55]  And my friend's 80-year-old uncle's in a car and they go up to the car and they're like, say Black Lives Matter.
[00:05:02]  Say it.
[00:05:03]  The people that are like harassing the elderly, they have mental problems as well.
[00:05:08]  It's not just like you have a political difference with these people.
[00:05:12]  They're extremists.
[00:05:13]  That ideology comes from being mentally unwell, being socially unwell.
[00:05:20]  These are antisocial personality disorders.
[00:05:22]  They should be studied, not listened to, not retweeted.
[00:05:28]  They should be studied.
[00:05:31]  But, you know, I just can't get involved with the ratting.
[00:05:35]  These people really thought this presidency was going to end a different way.
[00:05:39]  And I mean, you know, unfortunately, I was ringing the bell for them, telling them this is not the way it's going to work.
[00:05:44]  You know, it's like the movie Clifford, the great movie Clifford, starring one of my favorites, Charles Grodin, and then Martin Short, Clifford with Mary Steenbergen.
[00:05:53]  Clifford was great because Clifford wanted to go to Dinosaur World.
[00:05:57]  And, you know, his Uncle Martin kept running into problems.
[00:06:01]  He was unable to take him to Dinosaur World.
[00:06:03]  Well, and then he, of course, went insane.
[00:06:06]  And his Uncle Martin was building a model of the LA transportation system.
[00:06:11]  And then Clifford blew it up.
[00:06:13]  Sorry, spoiler alert.
[00:06:15]  Spoiler alert.
[00:06:16]  And that is how people reacted when they found out they couldn't go to Dinosaur World, that they weren't going to be personally arresting Barack and Michelle Obama and putting them in Guantanamo Bay.
[00:06:26]  They thought they were going to be marching down fucking Beverly Boulevard and they were going to go up into the hills to Chrissy Teigen's house and take her out and arrest her and then I guess steal her cookware line and cook with it or I don't know.
[00:06:38]  But they really thought this was what's going to happen that Alan DeGeneres was going to be going to jail.
[00:06:42]  None of this was true.
[00:06:44]  All of this was bullshit.
[00:06:45]  All of this was like, you know, a LARPing fucking just troll game that these people fell for because they're terribly unsophisticated and because the country is so fucked up and so many of the monsters are real that these people found out about it and their hand, their brains melted.
[00:07:05]  They had no idea.
[00:07:06]  When they found out about the Epsteins and the this and the that and how fucked up things are, automatically overnight, they started, they got an overflow of information and they were manipulated by people like Steve Bannon and these other people that didn't give a fuck about them and just they thought we're going to get their votes and let them believe whatever we want them to believe.
[00:07:24]  And it really, I don't know how many of the people in the Capitol were hardcore Q people, but I got to imagine it's a few.
[00:07:32]  I got to imagine some of them found their way in there.
[00:07:36]  Wasn't the guy that we just did that sketch.
[00:07:38]  He was the QAnon shaman.
[00:07:40]  Yeah.
[00:07:40]  The QAnon shaman.
[00:07:41]  He goes, I see different levels of, you know, pedophiles.
[00:07:48]  This is him.
[00:07:49]  This guy.
[00:07:51]  Yeah.
[00:07:52]  Yeah, there he is.
[00:07:54]  Jake and Jelly, I think his name is.
[00:07:57]  And you know, you got people there with neo-Nazi flags and everything like that.
[00:08:00]  But here's the other thing, folks, and this is like an uncomfortable thing.
[00:08:03]  Nobody really wants to talk about this.
[00:08:05]  Nobody really wants to admit this.
[00:08:06]  You're not going to be able to arrest or shame every Nazi.
[00:08:10]  You're going to have to deal with certain Nazis.
[00:08:11]  You know, if you want a tattoo, you might have to deal with a Nazi unknowingly.
[00:08:15]  This is what it is.
[00:08:16]  You don't think I have to deal with hardcore, you know, anarcho-communists?
[00:08:21]  Of course.
[00:08:22]  What if I want ice cream in Portland?
[00:08:25]  I can't scoop it myself.
[00:08:27]  I got to deal with one of these militant dykes.
[00:08:29]  I don't care.
[00:08:30]  I don't want them to lose their job.
[00:08:32]  I just walk in.
[00:08:33]  I go, yeah, punch Nazis and Rocky Road or whatever I want that day.
[00:08:38]  And this bitch scoops it up.
[00:08:39]  And we move on.
[00:08:41]  I don't give a fuck.
[00:08:43]  I don't go, oh, this bitch wants to destroy anything good about what I think this country means.
[00:08:49]  Let's get rid of her.
[00:08:50]  I don't care that if she heard my comedy, she'd probably want me in a cage.
[00:08:56]  I just move the fuck on.
[00:08:58]  Get your fucking ice cream and go.
[00:09:00]  Get your tattoo and go.
[00:09:03]  Why are we going to arrest everybody?
[00:09:04]  People, I don't, who cares what people believe?
[00:09:08]  Yes, if you run into the Capitol, yes, you're going to get arrested.
[00:09:11]  It's what it is.
[00:09:12]  I mean, I don't know what to tell you.
[00:09:14]  You know, if you do something crazy in a BLM protest, you burn down somebody's small business.
[00:09:18]  Yeah, you're going to be arrested.
[00:09:20]  You're destroying property.
[00:09:22]  You know, what are you going to do?
[00:09:23]  But if you're just being an idiot, I don't know.
[00:09:27]  What's the punishment for that?
[00:09:29]  You're probably not doing that great.
[00:09:32]  You know, so I don't know.
[00:09:33]  I just, I think this is this.
[00:09:35]  I don't know what happened when everybody's like, we got to get rid of all these, everybody we disagree with.
[00:09:42]  They can't, they can't have shitty jobs.
[00:09:48]  People aren't really raking it in here.
[00:09:53]  You know, these people aren't doing well for the most part.
[00:09:58]  They're living off money they've inherited.
[00:10:00]  They, they have some type of stipend.
[00:10:03]  They're living in some type of communal house.
[00:10:04]  I don't know what the fuck they're doing.
[00:10:06]  But I mean, I'm sure that I deal professionally with people I disagree with all the time about many different things.
[00:10:15]  All the time.
[00:10:16]  About many, many different things.
[00:10:19]  You know, I would never expect, I have a personal trainer who I disagree with about many things because he was like, he's always like, what are you eating?
[00:10:29]  What are you doing?
[00:10:30]  And I'm like, I think it's more important for him to start looking into Q and to discover the truth for himself.
[00:10:37]  But he's very like about me and everything I'm doing.
[00:10:40]  And I'm like, that's not that important when you look at all of the children.
[00:10:43]  Have you saved all of the children yet?
[00:10:45]  No.
[00:10:45]  Well, then, how about you go and state, have you saved any of them?
[00:10:48]  No.
[00:10:49]  Why?
[00:10:50]  Well, I haven't found the underground tunnels.
[00:10:52]  Anyway, what did you have for breakfast?
[00:10:54]  Keep looking for the tunnels.
[00:10:57]  You see, we're having a divergence of opinion.
[00:10:59]  We're unable to serve each other in the way that we need to.
[00:11:03]  I have professional disagreement all the time.
[00:11:07]  And I deal with people and I make the best of it because I'm a fucking adult.
[00:11:11]  I don't care if the dental hygienist believes in ghosts.
[00:11:16]  It doesn't matter to me if the bitch cleaning my teeth went to the fucking Area 51 Roswell convention and fucking dressed like a gray alien and jumped around on DMT as long as she's sober when she's fucking cleaning my teeth.
[00:11:32]  I don't know what this bitch thinks about.
[00:11:34]  I don't want to know.
[00:11:36]  I don't want to know.
[00:11:37]  I got enough problem thoughts in my own goddamn head to worry about what other people are doing.
[00:11:42]  Okay?
[00:11:43]  So all these people that are just ratting people out.
[00:11:46]  Oh, you know, don't give these people any of your money at Nazi tattoo or whatever.
[00:11:51]  It's like, I don't know, don't get a tattoo.
[00:11:53]  They're stupid.
[00:11:55]  Tattoos are stupid.
[00:11:57]  They are.
[00:11:58]  I'm sorry.
[00:11:59]  I know many of you have them and you love them and everyone has one now.
[00:12:03]  Why don't you be the person that doesn't get one?
[00:12:06]  How about you be the badass that doesn't get a tattoo?
[00:12:09]  And then you won't worry if your money is not going out.
[00:12:11]  Yeah, let your dead dog or your dead grandfather, let them lie.
[00:12:15]  You don't need them on your bicep.
[00:12:17]  Let them lie, okay?
[00:12:21]  I deal with fucking militant communist dykes all the fucking time.
[00:12:26]  They're in every ice cream parlor ever.

=== Don't Get Nazi Tattoos (15:17) ===

[00:12:29]  And I loved coffee at one time.
[00:12:30]  They were in all the coffee shops.
[00:12:32]  Black, black, Antifa in the coffee shop.
[00:12:35]  If I want a lemon loaf, I got to deal with black block.
[00:12:38]  It is what it is.
[00:12:40]  And those dykes cut a thick loaf.
[00:12:43]  And they make a good espresso.
[00:12:45]  So you just go in and you fucking mix it up with them.
[00:12:48]  You act like they act.
[00:12:49]  You're fucking punch Nazis.
[00:12:54]  Fuck Trump.
[00:12:56]  Yeah, you know, smash the patriarchy.
[00:12:58]  You know, can I get a stone and Earl Gray with honey?
[00:13:02]  You know, just do what you got to do.
[00:13:05]  So if you're getting it, if you're going to tattoo a Nazi tattoo, you get in there and go, hey, how are you?
[00:13:10]  All right.
[00:13:10]  So anyway, just I want to clean this up.
[00:13:13]  Yeah, I just put 1987 there.
[00:13:15]  Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[00:13:16]  That's the year of my birth.
[00:13:17]  All right, Heil Hitler.
[00:13:18]  All right, let's do this.
[00:13:19]  Just fucking fit in.
[00:13:20]  It's the whole point of the country is fit in.
[00:13:23]  We were just in Vegas.
[00:13:25]  We went to Vegas for two days because nothing's open in L.A.
[00:13:27]  We just wanted to go to dinner, frankly.
[00:13:29]  And Vegas has been brought to its knees by this.
[00:13:31]  I mean, it is so bad.
[00:13:32]  They thank you for parking your car now.
[00:13:35]  That's how bad it is.
[00:13:36]  The valet people are happy to see you in Vegas.
[00:13:38]  They're like, hey, good to see you.
[00:13:40]  Thanks for coming.
[00:13:41]  Thanks for coming here.
[00:13:44]  I mean, you feel like you're a king.
[00:13:45]  I mean, you feel like you're everybody in Vegas right now feels like a high roller.
[00:13:49]  You want to feel like a high roller?
[00:13:50]  Go to Vegas now.
[00:13:51]  Doesn't matter what you're spending.
[00:13:53]  I didn't go near a poker table or a slot machine the whole time I was there.
[00:13:56]  You will feel like a high, well, you know, I should have, but I just, I'm not really a gambler, but I can play cards a little bit if I want to.
[00:14:05]  But you'll feel like a high roller.
[00:14:07]  They're just so lucky.
[00:14:08]  You'll get in all the best restaurants.
[00:14:09]  You can get in anywhere.
[00:14:10]  It's not a problem.
[00:14:12]  And they're happy to have you.
[00:14:13]  Just go there.
[00:14:14]  They're happy that the whores are happy to have you.
[00:14:17]  The whores are happy to suck your cock in Vegas right now.
[00:14:21]  They are happy to suck.
[00:14:22]  I got Ben a transgender African-American prostitute.
[00:14:26]  Your wife doesn't listen, right?
[00:14:29]  They're happy to have you.
[00:14:31]  They're so happy to have you.
[00:14:32]  They thank you.
[00:14:33]  I had a whore trying to pay me.
[00:14:37]  They give you discounts.
[00:14:39]  They're happy you're there.
[00:14:41]  Everybody is happy.
[00:14:42]  The buffets are closed, which I don't love because that's part of it, part of the experience.
[00:14:47]  But the whores are happy.
[00:14:50]  Doesn't matter if you have a rash.
[00:14:52]  They don't care if you've showered.
[00:14:54]  They don't care if you're tested for Cove or not.
[00:14:58]  Doesn't matter.
[00:14:59]  They don't even care if you can stay hard the whole time.
[00:15:01]  They will take your dick and they will fuck it.
[00:15:03]  They will use their teeth on that motherfucker to get them up and running.
[00:15:07]  They are just happy to have you.
[00:15:09]  They will take your dick and put it in a thing of hot fudge and suck it off.
[00:15:14]  They're so happy for you to be there.
[00:15:17]  And the valet people are even happier.
[00:15:20]  You might not even need a whore.
[00:15:21]  The valet people are so happy.
[00:15:26]  We had a lesbian who ran the valet, which is good because they're very business-minded.
[00:15:29]  The great thing about lesbians is they take any job seriously.
[00:15:33]  It's a respect thing for them.
[00:15:34]  Whereas gay men, unless they're doing the job that's their dream, don't really do it well.
[00:15:40]  They don't really do like, and I was explaining to Ben, like, if I had that job at valeting cars, the manager would come to me and go, hi, you're not doing this right.
[00:15:49]  And everyone's upset.
[00:15:50]  And I would look at him and go, it's a stupid job, though.
[00:15:53]  No.
[00:15:53]  And he'd be like, what?
[00:15:55]  And I'd be like, it's dumb.
[00:15:56]  We're just driving a car into a, I mean, it's dumb.
[00:15:59]  I'm doing it the best I can, but come on, it's horrible.
[00:16:02]  But the lesbians, they just fucking hit it.
[00:16:04]  They hit it and they do it well because they just do it.
[00:16:07]  They just like the simple things about life.
[00:16:10]  It's just easy to, you know, so respect to that woman.
[00:16:14]  We tipped her well.
[00:16:14]  We'll give her 100 bucks for everybody.
[00:16:17]  But that is where Vegas is right now.
[00:16:19]  They are so sad.
[00:16:22]  It is so depressing.
[00:16:24]  It is like an apocalypse, but like I've never seen.
[00:16:27]  Like there's nothing going on.
[00:16:29]  You would think it would be like the real apocalypse is in the Capitol.
[00:16:32]  It's in DC.
[00:16:33]  Vegas is like calm and relaxed.
[00:16:36]  Just a couple of lifers pulling slots.
[00:16:39]  Couple of fat old people not giving a shit.
[00:16:41]  Mask under nose.
[00:16:42]  Just like, that's the new real gangster move.
[00:16:45]  Mask under your nose.
[00:16:46]  Like, say, say something about it, bitch.
[00:16:48]  Throwing up the margaritas.
[00:16:50]  They don't give a fuck.
[00:16:51]  They're just living.
[00:16:53]  They're just living there.
[00:16:54]  We had dinner at Carbone, which is a big restaurant in New York that's now in Vegas.
[00:16:58]  And it was fun.
[00:17:00]  Not as good as the one in New York, but it was good.
[00:17:02]  And we had dinner at, what is it, Manumi?
[00:17:05]  Yeah, the sushi restaurant in the wind.
[00:17:07]  Very nice.
[00:17:08]  Sat outside at the pagoda table.
[00:17:10]  Nice and safe.
[00:17:11]  Nice and distanced.
[00:17:14]  And it was fun.
[00:17:15]  It was just nice to be out having dinner.
[00:17:16]  It was nice to be out.
[00:17:18]  I mean, LA is shut down and it's been very hard for me to even get material to talk about as a comedian.
[00:17:24]  And we made a sketch in Vegas.
[00:17:26]  It was a lot of fun.
[00:17:27]  Went to a costume shop, found that guy's, you know, coonskin cap or whatever and got horns and whatever.
[00:17:33]  But it becomes difficult to live in a city.
[00:17:36]  And I'm not, I get it.
[00:17:37]  It's bad out there.
[00:17:38]  Hospitals are bad right now in LA, but it becomes difficult to live in a city that is completely shut down.
[00:17:45]  There's nothing to do.
[00:17:46]  You can't leave your home really.
[00:17:48]  There's nowhere to go.
[00:17:50]  There's nothing to see.
[00:17:51]  And if you're a comedian or you make your living talking and observing, there's nothing to observe.
[00:17:55]  So I went out to Vegas and I was very, I was very happy about that.
[00:17:58]  It was good.
[00:17:59]  We did a Patreon with Ty Rivera, a very funny comedian who lives out there.
[00:18:04]  And Vegas is open.
[00:18:07]  The comedy clubs are starting to open, but they're open at a very low capacity.
[00:18:11]  So you only got like 40 seats in there at the comedy clubs in Las Vegas.
[00:18:16]  So you're not really, you know, you're not making money there yet.
[00:18:22]  But it's opening little by little, little by little.
[00:18:25]  What was your impression?
[00:18:26]  You haven't been a lot, but I mean, this was pretty bleak.
[00:18:29]  You said it, best.
[00:18:30]  It's been brought to its knees.
[00:18:31]  The homelessness looked real rough, real rough in a lot of the parts of the city.
[00:18:35]  It's not as bad as LA, though.
[00:18:37]  And it's open, but no one's there, you know?
[00:18:39]  It's open, but nobody's there.
[00:18:40]  The casinos are allowed a minimal capacity of where they used to be.
[00:18:43]  I don't know what it is.
[00:18:44]  Someone could fill me in on the actual capacity.
[00:18:49]  The homelessness problem is not as striking as LA for whatever reason.
[00:18:54]  You don't, but it is bad.
[00:18:56]  I mean, it's not good, you know?
[00:18:59]  So this is as of November 29th, 2020.
[00:19:01]  New restrictions limit capacity at casinos and restaurants.
[00:19:06]  Restaurants can see patrons if they have reservations and no more than four diners are allowed per table.
[00:19:10]  Masks are required at all times, indoors and out.
[00:19:14]  Maximum size of public gatherings is 50 people, which will crush the recent revival of live entertainment.
[00:19:22]  So that's where you're at.
[00:19:25]  A lot of casinos are not opening weekdays.
[00:19:28]  They are opening Thursday through Monday.
[00:19:32]  And some of them are just not functional during the week.
[00:19:35]  It doesn't make sense for them to open.
[00:19:38]  So little by little, Las Vegas turning around.
[00:19:42]  One of my favorite cities, I do like Las Vegas, couldn't ever live there, but like going there for 48 hours at a time, checking up on Vegas and seeing what is going on.
[00:19:53]  I just couldn't live there.
[00:19:55]  It's one of those places I don't think I could live.
[00:20:00]  There's a certain type of person that can, and I respect that person.
[00:20:03]  That's just not me.
[00:20:04]  Same with New Orleans, that I love New Orleans.
[00:20:06]  I couldn't live there.
[00:20:08]  It's just too much, even though I like it.
[00:20:11]  I just couldn't do it.
[00:20:13]  The special thing, it's like the way a lot of people feel about New York.
[00:20:16]  And now I kind of feel about New York.
[00:20:18]  I couldn't live there.
[00:20:19]  You know?
[00:20:20]  So the Capitol skirmish, who's our boy, what's his name?
[00:20:27]  We just did the video about?
[00:20:28]  The QAnon Shaman.
[00:20:29]  The QAnon Shaman.
[00:20:31]  Are they trying to put him in the clink for this behavior?
[00:20:34]  I believe they arrested him already.
[00:20:36]  Yeah.
[00:20:36]  I mean, he was pretty out there in the open, wasn't he?
[00:20:39]  Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[00:20:40]  Yeah, Jake Angeli, lead seizure of Capitol.
[00:20:45]  By the way, this wasn't a coup.
[00:20:46]  Everyone's saying this was a coup or a revolution.
[00:20:48]  I mean, this was closer to a high school theater group.
[00:20:51]  I mean, listen, they were not.
[00:20:54]  I mean, I'm not excusing what they did, right?
[00:20:56]  What they did was fucking insane.
[00:20:58]  And obviously there are laws that they broke and they will go to jail.
[00:21:03]  And by the way, that's everybody that destroys property, breaking and entering.
[00:21:08]  These are all laws that we have for a reason.
[00:21:10]  Civil society exists for a reason, okay?
[00:21:13]  So if you're breaking those laws for whatever, because you think that, you know, that landlords should all be taken out and hung, that's breaking a law.
[00:21:24]  And if you break the law because you think that inside of Congress, there's a chamber with children that Nancy Pelosi's eating, you're breaking a law.
[00:21:32]  Either way, you're breaking a law.
[00:21:34]  So, you know, sorry to everybody who's like, but I like one kind of riot.
[00:21:39]  That's the maturity of this country.
[00:21:41]  Everybody's sitting behind screens being like, well, this violent protest was not good.
[00:21:46]  I like that kind.
[00:21:48]  I like this type of chaos.
[00:21:50]  It's like people sitting in a restaurant being like, I enjoy this type of chaos.
[00:21:54]  Oh, you like that chaos?
[00:21:56]  I like this chaos.
[00:21:57]  Ah, interesting.
[00:21:59]  And just people tasting wine.
[00:22:01]  A sommalier comes over, the sommalier of like, you know, the apocalypse.
[00:22:05]  And he's like, what do you like?
[00:22:08]  What do you like?
[00:22:09]  Do you like a racial equity narrative with some burned buildings and some chase police?
[00:22:14]  Or would you like a proto-fascist takeover involving a horned gentleman leading a group of people up the steps of Congress?
[00:22:23]  And people are like, hmm, they both sound appealing.
[00:22:28]  It's stupid.
[00:22:30]  You cannot encourage this type of behavior at all.
[00:22:32]  Very funny, though.
[00:22:34]  Very funny.
[00:22:35]  QAnon Shaman, known as 33-year-old Jake Angeli of Phoenix, man, Phoenix, huh?
[00:22:41]  Has been a fixture at a number of pro-Trump rallies and protests across 2020, especially in his home state.
[00:22:48]  Soon after QAnon Shaman received viral infamy, some followers of the loose collective of conspiracy theorists movement began to turn on him, falsely suggesting Angeli is actually Antifa and had infiltrated the mob.
[00:23:01]  Ain't that always the way?
[00:23:04]  Man, what a short rise, right?
[00:23:08]  Ain't that always the way?
[00:23:11]  It's like this.
[00:23:11]  It's like, I'm in the movement, I'm in the movement, QAnon, QAnon, QAnon Shaman, QAnon Shaman, viral, viral, big Antifa.
[00:23:20]  A big circle.
[00:23:22]  It's almost like the people that get involved in these things aren't the most stable.
[00:23:26]  And they'll actually turn on anyone.
[00:23:29]  Interesting.
[00:23:30]  It's like the underpinnings of these movements are not logical, coherent political beliefs.
[00:23:35]  It's really the majority of it is undiagnosed and diagnosed mental illness.
[00:23:41]  Many of these people have been diagnosed, by the way.
[00:23:43]  I wanted to correct Kansas Owens when she said it's undiagnosed mental illness.
[00:23:48]  I'm like, many of it, a lot of it's diagnosed.
[00:23:51]  Somebody tweets, why aren't these, quote, crisis actors more successful in acting?
[00:23:55]  This guy was way into the role months earlier.
[00:23:58]  Clearly a method actor.
[00:23:59]  He's really selling it.
[00:24:00]  He should be alongside De Niro.
[00:24:02]  Is this the one where he's yelling?
[00:24:03]  Let's see what this is.
[00:24:04]  This is a crazy conspiracy theorist.
[00:24:06]  He yells at people getting COVID tests in Arizona.
[00:24:08]  I think this is our boy Jake Angeli.
[00:24:10]  All right.
[00:24:11]  It's fucking crazy, you guys.
[00:24:14]  The amount of people that believe this bullshit is insane.
[00:24:17]  Interesting.
[00:24:18]  This just goes to show the mockingbird media and the way it uses fear to compartmentalize, to propagandize, and divide and conquer our country.
[00:24:28]  This whole country is an episode of the X-Files.
[00:24:30]  The second look at this.
[00:24:32]  Look at this.
[00:24:32]  It's bullshit.
[00:24:37]  The virus.
[00:24:39]  Cannot survive Arizona's heat.
[00:24:42]  By the way, stop this.
[00:24:44]  I know like 30 comics that are five minutes away from this behavior if they don't get a special.
[00:24:51]  I know 30 to 50 people that are five minutes away from horns and screaming in a parking lot if something doesn't turn around, if you don't let them go perform somewhere.
[00:25:02]  This is a scientific fact.
[00:25:06]  The corrupt media is lying to you.
[00:25:14]  Your corrupt government, Dick Doocy, is fucking lying to you.
[00:25:25]  COVID 1984 is a globalist propaganda hoax.
[00:25:32]  I love all the people that are like, COVID is the global, the big global reset.
[00:25:36]  It's like, what reset?
[00:25:37]  It's been going the way it's been going for 50 years.
[00:25:41]  What reason?
[00:25:42]  There's no reset.
[00:25:43]  It's this.
[00:25:44]  I'll tell you this.
[00:25:45]  No more.
[00:25:45]  I can't take it.
[00:25:46]  He's just talking.
[00:25:47]  It's annoying with the screaming.
[00:25:50]  It's annoying.
[00:25:52]  But yeah, that's Jake Angeli.
[00:25:54]  I mean, these people, again, you know, I've never known someone.
[00:25:59]  You know, I guess I've witnessed people that have gone really radical in their belief systems.
[00:26:05]  Not quite to that extent where it's like costume shop radical.
[00:26:09]  But I've known people that have gone really off the reservation.
[00:26:13]  And the one thing that seems to unite all of them is that, number one, they started to get attention doing it.
[00:26:20]  It was what got them attention.
[00:26:21]  So they would never stop because it was the only way they got attention.
[00:26:24]  They didn't get attention other ways.
[00:26:26]  They didn't get attention from their talent and they didn't get attention from any interpersonal thing that was good going on in their life.
[00:26:36]  They got attention by going crazy publicly in front of people.
[00:26:43]  You know, this is what they enjoy doing.
[00:26:47]  And I don't mean, and I don't just mean Whitney, but there are people, kidding.
[00:26:51]  She's her dog.
[00:26:52]  She called me her dog ate her hand or something.
[00:26:54]  It's fine.
[00:26:55]  But I've seen people politically go off the rails like this and they're off the reservation.
[00:27:01]  I know that's not a kosher term to say, but this is what happens.
[00:27:05]  They, you know, you're yelling in a parking lot with a fucking, with Viking horns on.
[00:27:11]  You're not, it's not going well.
[00:27:15]  So I don't know what this guy, but this guy's going to see some real jail time probably, you know?
[00:27:19]  Probably.
[00:27:20]  I mean, this is a real embarrassing end for the Q movement.
[00:27:23]  I thought it would kind of silently kind of just go away like a tide goes out, like a tide comes in and a tide goes out.
[00:27:33]  This one was rough.
[00:27:34]  This one was a little embarrassing for the Q movement.
[00:27:37]  This was rough.
[00:27:37]  I don't know what the hell they thought was going to happen.
[00:27:39]  They were going to get in there and the U.S. military was going to go, you're right, let's go.
[00:27:43]  And then Jake Angeli's the president.
[00:27:45]  What did you think?

=== The Q Movement Embarrassment (14:15) ===

[00:27:46]  It's the same thing with Black Lives Matter.
[00:27:47]  It's like, what did you think was going to happen?
[00:27:49]  Just the National Guard's going to stand down.
[00:27:51]  You're going to take over Portland?
[00:27:53]  I mean, I don't know.
[00:27:54]  But now, of course, we have, you know, this very schizophrenic body politic where you can't keep up with everything.
[00:28:04]  You can't even understand.
[00:28:06]  You're like, okay.
[00:28:07]  You're like, these people gathered in front of government buildings and they harassed the police who are heroes.
[00:28:17]  And you're like staring at these people like, what?
[00:28:20]  Wait a minute, what?
[00:28:22]  And then they find all the Black Lives Matter protests that were always peaceful.
[00:28:27]  Because we all know the riots we were watching had nothing to do with the protests.
[00:28:31]  I mean, they had nothing to do with it.
[00:28:33]  And they didn't happen.
[00:28:34]  Well, so the riots didn't have that you saw with your own eyes, the burning of businesses, the burning of cop cars, the looting of stores.
[00:28:40]  That didn't happen.
[00:28:42]  And if it did happen, it was justified.
[00:28:44]  That didn't happen.
[00:28:45]  You saw it.
[00:28:47]  I brought it up.
[00:28:48]  People are angry at me because I've literally, people hate me because I've literally said things I've seen with my eyes.
[00:28:59]  That has labeled people are angry with me because I'm a shill and right wing and alt-right or whatever.
[00:29:05]  Because I've just, I've been sitting in front of a TV.
[00:29:08]  I went, huh?
[00:29:11]  Okay, I'm seeing a thing and now I'm saying what I'm seeing.
[00:29:15]  And people have gotten angry about that, you know?
[00:29:19]  Gotten angry.
[00:29:20]  I get it.
[00:29:22]  I have enemies.
[00:29:23]  People dislike me because I've literally just said what I've seen.
[00:29:26]  So when you say what you've seen, people get angry.
[00:29:30]  There were some people that were knuckleheads in all these movements that seemed to just want to benefit themselves and do crazy things.
[00:29:41]  These are like people, these were like dorks.
[00:29:44]  And I'm not, again, people are going to be like, they're terrorists.
[00:29:47]  Sure.
[00:29:48]  Sure.
[00:29:49]  But also, let's not glorify them by making them out to be more than what they are.
[00:29:56]  They were willing to do some very stupid things, which they'll pay for, but they're idiots.
[00:30:02]  I mean, not the terrorists are always smart, but like these people believe in a fairy tale.
[00:30:07]  They're door.
[00:30:08]  I mean, some of them are like elderly.
[00:30:10]  You see that old woman?
[00:30:12]  You see the photo of her?
[00:30:14]  I'm going to compare her to like a terrorist to a, the woman's got dementia.
[00:30:19]  She's wandering around the Capitol.
[00:30:21]  She doesn't even know what's going on.
[00:30:23]  You know what I mean?
[00:30:25]  This is a crazy woman whose prescription medication is all messed up and she's she's wandering around the capital.
[00:30:36]  The woman that got maced too?
[00:30:37]  Yeah, yeah.
[00:30:38]  You know, I mean, and then there's a woman that got maced.
[00:30:41]  Let's play her.
[00:30:42]  She's like, I love how nonchalantly she goes, it's a revolution.
[00:30:46]  They're like, what are you doing here?
[00:30:47]  She goes, it's a revolution, tummy.
[00:30:51]  What do you think I'm doing?
[00:30:52]  Here we go.
[00:30:54]  Ma'am.
[00:30:55]  Fun couple alert.
[00:30:55]  What happened to you?
[00:30:56]  Fun couple alert.
[00:30:57]  I got maced.
[00:30:58]  Yeah.
[00:31:00]  By the place.
[00:31:02]  You know, by the way, stop that.
[00:31:04]  And what happened to her?
[00:31:04]  You know, for going, she was getting maced and her man was like, that's, you know.
[00:31:11]  He's kind of unbothered.
[00:31:13]  He's, he's completely unaffected.
[00:31:16]  She's just got maced to the face.
[00:31:18]  He's, he goes, you know, in the ride home, he looks at her.
[00:31:20]  He goes, you got a little excited.
[00:31:22]  He got a little excited.
[00:31:23]  And she goes, well, it was a revolution.
[00:31:25]  He goes, I know, I know.
[00:31:27]  I know.
[00:31:28]  But you got a little excited.
[00:31:29]  And she's like, they didn't mace you.
[00:31:31]  And he goes, well, you know, you went nuts.
[00:31:33]  You went, you tried to jump on that cop's back.
[00:31:36]  She goes, well, it was a coup.
[00:31:38]  It was a revolution.
[00:31:39]  You don't like anything I do.
[00:31:42]  You never support me.
[00:31:45]  If this woman could get a small business loan to be a caterer, would she be doing this?
[00:31:51]  Yo, I made it like a foot inside and they pushed me out and they maced me.
[00:31:56]  What's your name?
[00:31:57]  Where are you from?
[00:31:57]  My name is Elizabeth.
[00:31:58]  I'm from Knoxville, Tennessee.
[00:32:00]  Why did you want to go in?
[00:32:02]  We're storming the Capitol.
[00:32:04]  It's a revolution.
[00:32:07]  We're storming the Capitol.
[00:32:09]  It's a revolution, dummy.
[00:32:11]  Are you dumb?
[00:32:14]  We're storming the Capitol.
[00:32:16]  These people just want to have fun.
[00:32:17]  I mean, I think it's time we open up Dave and Busters.
[00:32:20]  We've gone too long.
[00:32:21]  This didn't work.
[00:32:22]  This whole experiment where Americans didn't work doesn't work.
[00:32:27]  Let's take note.
[00:32:29]  This doesn't seem to produce good results.
[00:32:32]  Okay?
[00:32:34]  So I don't care what the next thing is.
[00:32:36]  I don't care if it's the black plague.
[00:32:38]  I don't care if it's Ebola, hemorrhagic fever, bleeding through the eyes.
[00:32:43]  When you close down Fudruckers and Dave and Busters and Applebee's and Fridays and two-for-one margarita night at Chili's, it ends a few months later with a guy in horns standing in the middle of the Capitol.
[00:32:58]  That's where it ends.
[00:33:00]  So think long and hard about that, Gavin Newsom.
[00:33:02]  Think long and hard about where this is going to end.
[00:33:06]  It's really crazy, but the country is not built to do anything except work, sadly.
[00:33:12]  It's just what we're built to do.
[00:33:14]  It's what we're built to do.
[00:33:15]  We are built to just run at 100 miles an hour and work and work and work.
[00:33:20]  And if we don't do it, it becomes a real problem.
[00:33:23]  And then you get this.
[00:33:24]  And then you get this woman who looks like kind of a normal suburban lady.
[00:33:28]  Kind of, yeah.
[00:33:28]  And I'm not saying that because she's white.
[00:33:29]  I'm saying that because she doesn't have blue hair and face tattoos and nose rings.
[00:33:33]  She looks kind of like whatever.
[00:33:35]  I mean, she's got a piano scarf.
[00:33:37]  Is that a piano scarf?
[00:33:38]  Maybe not.
[00:33:39]  No, it's just striped.
[00:33:41]  I don't love that, but this looks like someone's substitute teacher, and she's getting maced while she runs into the Capitol.
[00:33:48]  I mean, wow.
[00:33:49]  You got to hand it to Trump, though.
[00:33:51]  He knows how to sell a product.
[00:33:52]  He really does.
[00:33:54]  I mean, you know, he knows how to sell a product.
[00:33:56]  You know, he's walking around looking at the TV going like, because I spoke to somebody who made a good point.
[00:34:02]  And they were like, they were like, yeah, he's just walking around going, good, good.
[00:34:05]  This is good.
[00:34:06]  Very happy.
[00:34:07]  Oh, yeah, because he wants people to know that he could cause little ruckus.
[00:34:13]  And he's not going to be at Biden's inauguration.
[00:34:15]  He's going to be out of there.
[00:34:16]  Let's play our video, which is very funny, please.
[00:34:18]  Yes, of course.
[00:34:18]  If you have not seen this, you should see this.
[00:34:21]  This is an interview with Jake Angeli.
[00:34:24]  And we get to the bottom of what Jake Angelli is really all about.
[00:34:29]  I'm sorry.
[00:34:30]  Things got out of hand, okay?
[00:34:32]  Everything people are saying about me isn't true.
[00:34:34]  I'm an actor.
[00:34:35]  I'm a voice actor.
[00:34:36]  I'm a musician.
[00:34:38]  Stop the Steve.
[00:34:41]  What people saw yesterday was me doing vocal exercises, me just kind of, you know, putting myself out there for the first time.
[00:34:49]  The industry just doesn't want a white male unless they're literally storming the Capitol.
[00:34:54]  You know, obviously save the children and do a coup.
[00:34:58]  But also, you know, as important or even more important is to just try to like, you know, build my socials.
[00:35:04]  This is my American idol.
[00:35:05]  This is my the voice.
[00:35:07]  I think there is a hole in the market for sort of this like reactionary psychopath that's also very musical.
[00:35:14]  When I first started working with Q, I thought Q met Quincy Jones.
[00:35:17]  People said to me, what was yesterday?
[00:35:19]  Was it a revolution?
[00:35:20]  Was it a coup?
[00:35:21]  It was an exercise in branding.
[00:35:24]  We have no problem with the Capitol police, by the way.
[00:35:27]  We have no problem.
[00:35:28]  They were nice to us.
[00:35:29]  We took selfies with them.
[00:35:30]  They let us in.
[00:35:32]  You know, we met a lot of them on 4chan.
[00:35:34]  Sometimes I'm sad And I feel like there's not a space for men to share their feelings in this country.
[00:35:44]  And I think that's tragic.
[00:35:46]  I'm willing to learn and grow.
[00:35:47]  I've been reading a lot of tweets about my behavior that are making a lot of sense to me.
[00:35:52]  And I'm going like back in my childhood and I'm going, yeah, yeah, that was it.
[00:35:58]  Yeah, that was it.
[00:35:59]  It's okay if I like the show Shrill on Hulu.
[00:36:03]  It's my favorite show.
[00:36:04]  And I can admit that.
[00:36:06]  Like I like it because it's a big, powerful woman that's confident and that makes me happy.
[00:36:13]  I'm the victim.
[00:36:16]  Yeah, ridiculous.
[00:36:17]  By the way, everyone's like, how did you get the costume?
[00:36:19]  So how did you get the costume so quickly?
[00:36:21]  Ben Avery went to the costume shop.
[00:36:23]  Ben Avery really whipped that up.
[00:36:25]  Shout out to Jones Fabric.
[00:36:27]  Yeah.
[00:36:27]  Combination of a bunch of moments.
[00:36:29]  Joann's Fabric.
[00:36:30]  What did I say?
[00:36:31]  Jones.
[00:36:31]  Oh, my bad.
[00:36:35]  Well, now do it the right way.
[00:36:36]  Joann's.
[00:36:39]  Shout out to Joann's Fabric in Vegas.
[00:36:42]  He acts like a petulant child.
[00:36:44]  Now he won't do it.
[00:36:45]  He's like, what about the costume shop?
[00:36:51]  Oh, yes.
[00:36:52]  I'm going to shout out this costume shop in the cost.
[00:36:54]  It's like better than anything in LA.
[00:36:56]  They were really cool.
[00:36:58]  Star costume and theatrical supply.
[00:37:00]  Star costume and theatrical supply.
[00:37:03]  If you go in there, tell them Tim Dylan sent you.
[00:37:05]  Maybe we'll get something off on the next one.
[00:37:08]  We probably won't.
[00:37:09]  We didn't even.
[00:37:13]  Whatchamacallit?
[00:37:14]  We didn't like, we didn't go over anything with them.
[00:37:17]  We should get a deal.
[00:37:18]  Yeah, we should get a deal.
[00:37:19]  If I stare with people going in there.
[00:37:21]  Yeah, that's an ad.
[00:37:22]  This is an ad.
[00:37:23]  This is an ad.
[00:37:25]  Can we bully companies to pass retroactively if I say a nice thing about them on the show?
[00:37:30]  Like, we do reads and then charge them without ever approving anything?
[00:37:34]  I mean, can we call the win and go, hey, this guy just talked about your valet, the lesbian at the valet thing?
[00:37:39]  Said how good she was.
[00:37:40]  Can we get a couple of dollars here?
[00:37:42]  Can we get some money?
[00:37:47]  I go to Valet, my car.
[00:37:50]  Let me tell you, right?
[00:37:51]  I go to Valet, my car.
[00:37:55]  They got.
[00:37:59]  You mean, I can't believe this.
[00:38:00]  They put a black guy in the car.
[00:38:03]  I mean, I'm like, hey, buddy, if I wanted my car stolen, I would have fucking put it on blocks myself.
[00:38:10]  Sebastian.
[00:38:12]  Sebastian, we appreciate you coming in, but you're reading a children's book.
[00:38:18]  You're reading a children's book?
[00:38:22]  And you've just said some very racist things into the mic.
[00:38:27]  And I want you to kind of focus right now because it's very strange.
[00:38:32]  All right.
[00:38:33]  All right.
[00:38:34]  I don't even.
[00:38:35]  All right.
[00:38:35]  All right.
[00:38:36]  Sorry.
[00:38:37]  All right.
[00:38:39]  Asian business money.
[00:38:41]  But can I tell you one thing?
[00:38:43]  Can I just tell you one thing?
[00:38:46]  I got a TJ Maxx.
[00:38:48]  They got one of these Asians.
[00:38:51]  You don't even...
[00:38:52]  Have you ever seen an Asian?
[00:38:54]  But they look kind of like a Native American?
[00:38:57]  It's like this weird.
[00:38:59]  It's like all kinds are wrong.
[00:39:01]  You go, what are you doing?
[00:39:02]  What's wrong with your face?
[00:39:05]  I don't know what to do with these people.
[00:39:06]  Do I go like this?
[00:39:09]  Or do I like, you know, spicy tunerole?
[00:39:12]  I don't know.
[00:39:12]  Sebastian, we're going to have to ask.
[00:39:15]  That is a fantasy.
[00:39:16]  That's a character I do where Sebastian Meniscalco, a brilliant comedian who I really respect, says crazy things.
[00:39:26]  They bring him in to read a children's book.
[00:39:28]  And he just says, he's like, let me tell you, I got to get something off my channel.
[00:39:32]  My father was a Nazi.
[00:39:34]  It was the American Nazi party, my father.
[00:39:37]  And he started explaining to me what they believe.
[00:39:40]  I am my father.
[00:39:41]  He started explaining to me about what the Nazis believe.
[00:39:45]  I got to be honest.
[00:39:47]  It's pretty, I mean, come on.
[00:39:48]  It's pretty accurate.
[00:39:51]  I think I'm a Nazi.
[00:39:53]  So we think that's really funny.
[00:39:56]  And now, obviously, that's a joke.
[00:39:58]  And I've never spoken to him in real life, but he said nice things about me, I believe, to people that have relayed them to me.
[00:40:03]  But we have a lot of respect for Sebastian.
[00:40:05]  And we're not insinuating that he or his family is in the American Nazi Party, but it is very funny to do that little.
[00:40:12]  There's no, there's no more fun voice to do.
[00:40:14]  I just don't, I mean, you know, what are you going to do?
[00:40:17]  It's so entertaining.
[00:40:19]  I just can't stop.
[00:40:21]  I just, but I will stop.
[00:40:24]  I will stop.
[00:40:25]  And I imagine lawyers will get involved eventually and tell me to stop.
[00:40:31]  You know, it's, we're working on a steak sauce.
[00:40:35]  We're developing a steak sauce for people.
[00:40:38]  We're going to launch that in a few months.
[00:40:40]  We're trying to steal a steak sauce recipe from a restaurant.
[00:40:46]  I really want to, I've always wanted to have a sauce, a steak sauce.
[00:40:55]  And I want it.
[00:40:56]  I'm not going to take it from a place.
[00:41:00]  But I do, like, I've gone to restaurants where I go, this is a good steak sauce.
[00:41:06]  Do you know what I'm saying here?
[00:41:08]  Like, what's the problem?
[00:41:09]  Yeah.
[00:41:10]  Are you selling your steak sauce?
[00:41:11]  No.
[00:41:12]  So then why am I not?
[00:41:13]  You're inspired.
[00:41:14]  I'm inspired by it.
[00:41:17]  I'm inspired by it.
[00:41:19]  And it's going to be very good.
[00:41:20]  We're developing it.
[00:41:21]  We're working with a chef.
[00:41:22]  We're going to try to develop a steak sauce and then sell it and bring it to market so that we can, you know, we don't have to like worry about these other companies telling us what to do and say.
[00:41:38]  You know, freedom of speech.
[00:41:41]  That's right.
[00:41:42]  Steak sauce, freedom of speech.
[00:41:43]  I just like to say things that will make the people that hate me hate me so much more.
[00:41:49]  And by connecting steak sauce to freedom of speech, which, you know, is absurd, the people whose job it is to hate me all day, which is, by the way, good gig.
[00:41:58]  Good gig.

=== Funny White Guy Rants (14:39) ===

[00:42:01]  Will people just don't like you.
[00:42:04]  There are people that, it's like the QAnon thing.
[00:42:06]  It's the same with comedians.
[00:42:07]  It's like everybody starts off going like, I'm going to be a comedian.
[00:42:10]  And then those QAnon people are like, we're going to save the kids and Trump's going to be the king.
[00:42:14]  And then none of that happens.
[00:42:16]  And then everyone's angry at me.
[00:42:21]  People started out trying to be comedians, can't scratch two nickels together, can't get a following, have no audience, and it's my fault.
[00:42:29]  How is it my fault?
[00:42:31]  They've been doing this longer than I have, but years and years.
[00:42:35]  And somehow it's, I've done it to you.
[00:42:38]  What?
[00:42:40]  Or other people, other successful podcasters or people we've all, we're the problem.
[00:42:46]  We're the issue.
[00:42:47]  They all cloak themselves in politics.
[00:42:48]  And they're like, I just, I could never, I could never stoop to the level that you've stooped to the people you've spoken to.
[00:42:59]  Okay.
[00:43:01]  Congratulations.
[00:43:02]  Congratulations.
[00:43:03]  I hope, has, has that gotten you anywhere?
[00:43:06]  Has your refusal to talk to anyone gotten you anywhere?
[00:43:09]  Still no?
[00:43:10]  Still no.
[00:43:11]  So you've refused to speak to anyone and you haven't stooped and still nothing.
[00:43:16]  I'd start stooping.
[00:43:19]  I'd stoop as low as humanly possible, you roach.
[00:43:25]  It's just, there's a lot of people in this business rate.
[00:43:27]  So I understand the whole QAnon thing.
[00:43:28]  I understand when everything you believe doesn't work out.
[00:43:31]  And it doesn't work out because you were stupid to have believed it in the first place.
[00:43:36]  That's why it doesn't work, dummies.
[00:43:39]  And then you can't get that angry at yourself because what happens?
[00:43:43]  Oh, oh, oh.
[00:43:48]  You go to the holidays and you go like this with the gun in your mouth.
[00:43:51]  Mommy, oh, you can't get that mad at yourself.
[00:43:54]  So you have to dole out your hatred in little bits, little bits.
[00:43:59]  And it's got to be, I'm a problem.
[00:44:00]  And it's Rogan or it's this guy or that guy.
[00:44:03]  And I hate them all.
[00:44:06]  First of all, you broke bitches.
[00:44:07]  If anyone had asked you to sit next to Alex Jones, you would have sat next to Alex Jones in all of you would have in a minute, by the way.
[00:44:15]  Why?
[00:44:16]  Because no one is asking you to do anything with anybody.
[00:44:23]  So stop getting angry at me.
[00:44:24]  This isn't even a specific person.
[00:44:26]  It's just there's people out there.
[00:44:28]  It's just, I just don't understand.
[00:44:30]  Like, how embarrassing is it?
[00:44:33]  You're living in the heyday of leftist, not really leftist, but more liberal non-comedy.
[00:44:42]  You're living in that heyday.
[00:44:44]  If you couldn't make a buck sucking now, you'll never make a buck.
[00:44:51]  You didn't even have to be funny.
[00:44:54]  You just had to go fucking show up at Stephen Colbert's office and fucking, I don't even know, claim to be an Eskimo on your mother's side and write nine horrible monologue jokes and you got 3,500 a week.
[00:45:09]  If you didn't make a living sucking, because I know you hate podcasts, you hate all of us because we make a living like being funny with our fans.
[00:45:19]  You know, it's cool.
[00:45:21]  It's fun for the most part.
[00:45:23]  Some of it's not.
[00:45:26]  But if you couldn't get a writing gig and then all these woke people, you know what they all say to you?
[00:45:33]  They all tweet about how horrible podcasting is all for its right-wing fascism.
[00:45:40]  And then you know what happens when you go, hey, man, you got a writing job?
[00:45:43]  They go, no, I'm white.
[00:45:44]  I'm a white guy.
[00:45:45]  Can't get a writing job.
[00:45:48]  What?
[00:45:50]  You sound like the right-wing guy.
[00:45:52]  I'm not complaining about not writing on, you know, Boko Haram's new show or whoever they're giving a show to on fucking Cartoon Network.
[00:46:01]  I don't give a shit.
[00:46:03]  The funniest new comedian, Boko Haram, like whoever.
[00:46:07]  I mean, no one cares.
[00:46:10]  No one cares.
[00:46:12]  Or whatever.
[00:46:13]  Whatever terrorist group sounds eerily like the name of a comedian.
[00:46:21]  You know, I'm a fan.
[00:46:22]  Like, you know, I'm not mad that I didn't get the Netflix special they gave to Antsar L. Islam.
[00:46:31]  Doesn't matter to me.
[00:46:34]  Doesn't matter to me.
[00:46:36]  I like Antsar L. Islam.
[00:46:39]  Some of the bits are good.
[00:46:40]  You go, that's good.
[00:46:43]  But it's just so funny.
[00:46:44]  All these people, then they turn around and they say, well, I'm white.
[00:46:47]  I can't get in the writer's room.
[00:46:48]  And I'm like, okay.
[00:46:50]  I'm like, but yet all you do, you know, how's the, how's the nonstop capitulating and the self-flagellation and disgracing yourself and throwing yourself at the altar of those that would seek to impoverish and destroy you.
[00:47:03]  How's that working?
[00:47:06]  How has it worked?
[00:47:08]  How has it worked?
[00:47:10]  Doing nothing but throwing yourself at the altar of the same people that want you to be homeless and being like, they're so good.
[00:47:19]  They're so funny.
[00:47:20]  You're so good.
[00:47:22]  Has everyone seen this new show?
[00:47:25]  It's so good.
[00:47:29]  Grow up.
[00:47:30]  You're too old.
[00:47:31]  All of you.
[00:47:31]  You're too old.
[00:47:32]  You're old.
[00:47:33]  You're elderly.
[00:47:34]  Your credits are like network television shows.
[00:47:37]  You people are trotting out like the Drew Carey show.
[00:47:40]  I mean, it's Sahara.
[00:47:42]  What were you people on?
[00:47:44]  Empty nest?
[00:47:45]  Enough.
[00:47:47]  ZH1 chat shows.
[00:47:48]  I mean, it's Sahara here.
[00:47:50]  It's crazy.
[00:47:52]  Let it go.
[00:47:53]  Go to a farm.
[00:47:55]  Go away.
[00:47:57]  Christ almighty with these people.
[00:48:00]  You can't make a dollar in comedy now.
[00:48:03]  You don't even have to be good.
[00:48:06]  If you're a woman and you don't own four houses as a comedian right now, kill yourself.
[00:48:15]  You dumb cunt.
[00:48:17]  You should own nine houses.
[00:48:22]  If you are a minority and haven't gotten a set on Conan, hang it up.
[00:48:29]  Hang it up.
[00:48:32]  Okay?
[00:48:34]  And if you're a funny white guy and you can't scratch together a couple thou on a Patreon to pay the rent, you ain't a funny white guy.
[00:48:42]  Clean it up.
[00:48:44]  Get it out.
[00:48:46]  Enough with the whining.
[00:48:47]  If you are a funny white guy that's being ignored by the business and you can't scratch up a couple of G's on Patreon, you can't scratch up a few friends, then it's time to put the horns on and go to the Capitol because you're living in a gold rush of shit.
[00:49:04]  Everything they make is shit.
[00:49:06]  So now you can do something good.
[00:49:09]  Shane Gillis is doing it.
[00:49:10]  Nick Mullen's doing it.
[00:49:11]  I'm doing it.
[00:49:12]  Other people are doing it.
[00:49:14]  Do it.
[00:49:15]  Ryan Long makes sketches.
[00:49:18]  He's doing it.
[00:49:19]  Andrew Schultz is doing it.
[00:49:20]  There are people doing it.
[00:49:22]  Just shut up and do it.
[00:49:24]  Who cares?
[00:49:25]  Or don't.
[00:49:26]  Or do it for your people.
[00:49:28]  Do it for your fans.
[00:49:29]  Whatever they want.
[00:49:31]  You know, I remember when I got to LA, people were like, yeah, well, yeah, you got in with the Rogan crew, but I'm not really in with those guys because I'm not an ultimate fighter.
[00:49:39]  Where do you think I met Joe?
[00:49:40]  At a fighting gym?
[00:49:42]  You dummies?
[00:49:43]  I'm a fat faggot.
[00:49:44]  You just suck.
[00:49:46]  You're not good.
[00:49:48]  Who told you you were good?
[00:49:51]  Sue them.
[00:49:52]  Sue them.
[00:49:54]  The people that told you you were good at this, sue them.
[00:49:58]  You should be knocking on their door going, what the fuck?
[00:50:01]  You told me that was good.
[00:50:03]  Well, you were good a little.
[00:50:06]  I don't know what happened.
[00:50:08]  They're like, yeah, I'm not into MMA, so I'm not in with those guys.
[00:50:11]  I've never said anything to Joe Rogan about MMA ever.
[00:50:18]  Ever.
[00:50:19]  We've never had one cover.
[00:50:20]  I said, what do you think is going to happen with the Jake Paul fight?
[00:50:24]  And I asked him once if one of the hulking lesbians at the Frozen Yogurt shop was Amanda Nunez.
[00:50:30]  He said, no.
[00:50:31]  That was it.
[00:50:32]  I have no interest.
[00:50:33]  I don't give a shit.
[00:50:36]  Whining all the time.
[00:50:37]  Everybody, everybody sucks.
[00:50:41]  I'm too good at my job to make money.
[00:50:43]  Mullen had that great point.
[00:50:45]  He's like, people are like too funny to be funny.
[00:50:48]  They're too good at their job to make money.
[00:50:50]  What?
[00:50:51]  This is, if you're like in the industry, it's like, this is like the golden era of sucking at comedy.
[00:50:57]  If you can't make money now, God forbid.
[00:50:59]  God forbid it goes back to a point when like the minimum amount of talent's required.
[00:51:02]  Then you're really fucked.
[00:51:04]  All you have to do right now is kind of show up, look decent, and talk about how much Kamala Harris has made you feel energized about the future of the country.
[00:51:14]  I mean, Stephen Colbert, Kimmel, they're all crying.
[00:51:16]  They're all crying.
[00:51:18]  You'll never leave this pandemic.
[00:51:19]  None of those people will ever be respected ever again.
[00:51:22]  None of them.
[00:51:22]  They've all destroyed their legacies, destroyed, and they were very funny.
[00:51:25]  They've destroyed their legacies by being mouthpieces of a political and getting out and crying and being unfunny and being absurd.
[00:51:34]  They're forever not funny anymore.
[00:51:36]  You will never see them.
[00:51:37]  I don't care what they do.
[00:51:38]  Maybe they donate a lot of money to breast cancer.
[00:51:40]  Good for them.
[00:51:41]  But they will never be funny ever again, ever, ever, ever again.
[00:51:44]  That will never be funny again.
[00:51:46]  Unless they reverse course, hire Nick Mullin, Shane Gillis, me, and Candace Owens.
[00:51:51]  And unless they do that, and I don't see that happening, but if they don't do that, they're fucked forever.
[00:51:56]  Sorry.
[00:51:58]  If you don't let Candace Owens host and have me Shane and Nick, then you're not then it's not going to be funny and hire the leftist Red Scare and the period or whatever these you know my period and Karl Marx or whoever these fucking You know You know sardonic cunts are that are pretty funny actually bring them in too who cares?
[00:52:23]  But if it's just the same.
[00:52:25]  Fucking Northeastern liberal arts school cunts that are like being fat, is my oh shut up like it's over.
[00:52:33]  It is over.
[00:52:34]  This pandemic killed those shows.
[00:52:35]  It's killed us in that it's killed all that, but it's opened this space up for other people to do shit.
[00:52:40]  So just stop fucking whining.
[00:52:42]  Stop fucking whining.
[00:52:43]  I have so much more respect for that bitch that got maced at the Capitol than I do these dumb people that just sit there and fucking whine.
[00:52:48]  Just do something.
[00:52:50]  Just do something.
[00:52:50]  I don't care what it is, it doesn't matter.
[00:52:53]  Doesn't matter what it is to me or anything.
[00:52:55]  I don't care what the fuck you do.
[00:52:56]  That's why I don't rat on people.
[00:52:58]  I don't know what people are going through.
[00:52:59]  I don't rat.
[00:53:01]  I don't call people up and say hey, you should be in trouble for storming the capital.
[00:53:05]  I don't know why those motherfuckers stormed the capital.
[00:53:07]  They thought there were kids inside.
[00:53:08]  I mean, I don't know.
[00:53:10]  They had to find out there weren't the old-fashioned way, okay?
[00:53:13]  And the Black Lives Matter.
[00:53:14]  People are burning down bodegas and I don't really love that, but I don't.
[00:53:18]  You know, I've had some real attitude from some of the Koreans in a bodega real attitude, and I'm not even black.
[00:53:25]  They get a lot worse, so I don't really get involved.
[00:53:30]  You see, I don't rap people out.
[00:53:31]  I don't get involved.
[00:53:33]  Stop getting involved.
[00:53:34]  Cut your friend group in in.
[00:53:36]  Don't cut it in half.
[00:53:38]  Cut it in nothing.
[00:53:39]  Strip it up.
[00:53:40]  Get them all out of your life.
[00:53:42]  Go down to Vegas.
[00:53:43]  They're happy to have you, the whores are happy to have you, the restaurants are happy to have you.
[00:53:47]  They're happy.
[00:53:48]  If you park your car, you can just go to Vegas, play a few hands, lose.
[00:53:52]  Then go back up to the hotel room, order the chocolate cake.
[00:53:55]  We almost vomited.
[00:53:56]  It was horrible.
[00:53:57]  It was like the display cake they gave us.
[00:53:59]  It was very bad, but but it's enough with the who cares.
[00:54:04]  And I again I know that is not applicable to many people it's just my own Twitter timeline, it's my, but this is my own show and I whine about the shit that I whine about.
[00:54:12]  So it's my own timeline of people that just it's just exhausting what.
[00:54:17]  And they're getting old.
[00:54:19]  These are people in their 40s and 50s that are old and they're complaining and it's like guys, it's not cute anymore.
[00:54:28]  It's not cute.
[00:54:29]  No one believes.
[00:54:31]  Everyone that's uh, leapfrogged you in.
[00:54:33]  This is a Nazi.
[00:54:35]  How, how fucking lucky for you.
[00:54:38]  Huh, how coincidental.
[00:54:41]  You imagine they're like telling their children which they won't have.
[00:54:44]  They're like.
[00:54:45]  Well, I was on a great path in comedy, but then comedy was taken over by Nazis.
[00:54:51]  And the kid would be like, well, what do you mean?
[00:54:53]  Actually, it seems like mainstream comedy is just full of people that believed all the things you believed.
[00:55:02]  Well, so what did you do?
[00:55:05]  Did you spend all day smoking weed and drinking?
[00:55:09]  You don't understand.
[00:55:10]  I was dealing with my mental health.
[00:55:13]  I had anxiety and depression.
[00:55:15]  I was manic depressive.
[00:55:16]  I had, you know, I had multiple personalities and none of them were funny.
[00:55:23]  None of them.
[00:55:24]  So that's all I'm saying.
[00:55:25]  I'm saying that we're developing a steak sauce.
[00:55:28]  It's going to be very good.
[00:55:29]  It'll be the greatest sauce that has ever touched a steak.
[00:55:32]  And we're doing all we can here.
[00:55:37]  We're meeting with the chefs and food developers.
[00:55:40]  And I want to get into the food business.
[00:55:42]  I really want to own it.
[00:55:42]  I just want to open a restaurant and be done with this.
[00:55:44]  I hope the time horizon for that is 10 years, five to 10 years.
[00:55:49]  I just want to own a restaurant and then blow my brains out on opening night in front of everyone.
[00:55:54]  Once everybody's there and everything's nice and everyone goes, this is really good.
[00:55:58]  I just get in the middle of the room like Bud Dwyer and go, good night.
[00:56:03]  Just to see like blood all over Ben and his wife's face as they said, they'll have made enough money and then so they won't care.
[00:56:09]  And they just sit there eating unaffected.
[00:56:12]  Yeah.
[00:56:14]  Having their basic bitch conversations about nonsense about God only knows what they talk about when I'm dead.
[00:56:21]  They can't talk about killing me.
[00:56:24]  Talk about the length of grass on someone's lawn.
[00:56:28]  You know?
[00:56:30]  You know.
[00:56:34]  But I'll tell you this, folks.
[00:56:35]  I'm just, I'm just saying, God love you out there.
[00:56:38]  Don't rat.
[00:56:39]  You lose this part of your soul.

=== Unraveling Capitol Storms (03:31) ===

[00:56:40]  Everybody needs to figure things out on their own.
[00:56:42]  Yes, it seems a bit extreme to storm into the Capitol to find out things aren't exactly the way you think.
[00:56:47]  But who am I to judge?
[00:56:48]  You're probably going to do a few years in the clink for that.
[00:56:51]  Probably do a few years in Slammer.
[00:56:52]  And, you know, our criminal justice system isn't really rehabilitative, you know?
[00:56:56]  So you'll probably come out much worse.
[00:56:58]  It's probably destroyed your entire life.
[00:57:00]  You won't be able to get jobs.
[00:57:01]  And it'll be a fucking nightmare all because you believed in some horse shit and you ran into the Capitol.
[00:57:06]  So stop that shit.
[00:57:08]  Stop it.
[00:57:10]  It's bad for you in terms of like, it's long-term a net negative to get, get, to get worked up enough to go storm the capital.
[00:57:20]  I mean, listen, but I'm not getting you in trouble.
[00:57:24]  I'm not trying to get you fired from the call center.
[00:57:27]  I think you can still heat up somebody's soup at Panera.
[00:57:32]  I don't care.
[00:57:33]  I'm going to tell you you can't put together an Asiago turkey club at Panera because you're a Nazi.
[00:57:39]  You're a Nazi.
[00:57:40]  You make sandwiches in the suburbs.
[00:57:42]  It's kind of what you should do.
[00:57:44]  It's not exactly a win, huh?
[00:57:47]  What am I going to do?
[00:57:48]  What are we going to force all these people into more desperate situations?
[00:57:52]  How's that going to work out?
[00:57:53]  Has anyone played that out in their head?
[00:57:55]  We're going to fire all these people and then force them into more desperate situations.
[00:58:00]  What could be worse?
[00:58:02]  What could be worse than storming the Capitol with horns on the top of your head?
[00:58:08]  Yes, my career.
[00:58:10]  Like the people that I know, comics, they're much worse.
[00:58:13]  But at the end of the day, you know, they also, they don't have any balls to storm the Capitol, you know?
[00:58:19]  They can't even storm the fucking out their own door.
[00:58:23]  But, you know, it's bad enough for half of these people.
[00:58:27]  You know, it's just, it's so crazy to think about to think about how this all ended and how it all came apart.
[00:58:40]  You know?
[00:58:42]  It was bad for a while, and then it got worse.
[00:58:48]  It started coming apart.
[00:58:54]  It's just, you know, it's completely, it's an unraveling.
[00:59:01]  It's an unraveling that's been unraveling.
[00:59:03]  It's just unraveled.
[00:59:04]  Now it might get better.
[00:59:05]  Maybe now people start to go, okay, let's just chill out.
[00:59:11]  You know what I mean?
[00:59:13]  Let's relax.
[00:59:15]  Let's build it.
[00:59:16]  Let's build again.
[00:59:17]  Let's build a time because, you know, spurts of crazy are fun.
[00:59:22]  A prolonged period of insanity.
[00:59:24]  Nobody likes that.
[00:59:26]  So let's go back to something boring for a little bit.
[00:59:29]  Let's go back to something boring and then we can turn up the crazy again just for fun.
[00:59:36]  But don't don't rat anybody out, please.
[00:59:39]  Don't be that person.
[00:59:42]  Don't be the person that fucking informs on your fellow citizens, no matter how misguided they may be.
[00:59:50]  Don't inform for the state.
[00:59:53]  Don't turn states right.
[00:59:54]  Don't be a fucking narc on your fellow cra I would never, I would never narc on any of these Antifa super soldiers, dikes in Portland, that own all the ice cream shops.

=== Do Not Be A Narc (06:51) ===

[01:00:12]  I would never nark on them.
[01:00:14]  I would never narrow.
[01:00:15]  I just walk in.
[01:00:16]  I stare at them silently.
[01:00:20]  I say, hello.
[01:00:22]  Their name is like, I don't know, some genderless one-syllable insane thing that makes no sense, like star with three R's and like a Chinese symbol or something.
[01:00:35]  I'm like, hello.
[01:00:38]  I'm like, the fucking fascism in this country is out of control.
[01:00:41]  And she's like, I think they know I'm undercover.
[01:00:44]  They kind of know.
[01:00:45]  She's like, yeah.
[01:00:46]  And I'm like, all right, well, the white chocolate, you know, a little rocky road and a little whipped cream on that.
[01:00:55]  Thank you.
[01:00:56]  She gives it to me.
[01:00:57]  I go eat it.
[01:00:58]  And then she goes, you know, I'm back to, you know, I don't know, beating up Andy?
[01:01:01]  No, I don't know.
[01:01:02]  Not my problem.
[01:01:07]  Stop making everything your problem, you know, and just move the fuck on.
[01:01:12]  But, you know, it was fun being out there in Vegas.
[01:01:14]  Hopefully, hopefully things calm down.
[01:01:17]  I think they will.
[01:01:17]  I'm very excited.
[01:01:18]  We're going back on the road soon.
[01:01:19]  I have some dates that we'll put out hopefully sooner rather than later.
[01:01:24]  But we're coming to Magoobi's in Baltimore.
[01:01:26]  We're going to Comedy Connection in Providence, Rhode Island.
[01:01:29]  And I'll be at Soul Joel's.
[01:01:31]  It's an outside thing in Pennsylvania doing the best we can to get out there and perform.
[01:01:36]  But, you know, it's harder and harder right now.
[01:01:38]  And, you know, we'll be having some fun.
[01:01:42]  I believe I'm doing Logan Paul's podcast again with Whitney.
[01:01:47]  You know, whenever she is available to do that podcast, she's had some accidents.
[01:01:51]  She walked into a wall and this is according to her Instagram story, which is public.
[01:01:56]  She walked into a wall and she was attacked by dogs.
[01:01:58]  Stop helping animals.
[01:02:01]  Stop helping stray animals.
[01:02:04]  You know?
[01:02:06]  So I don't know what happened, but she was like, something happened where she was attacked by a dog and her hands are all screwed up.
[01:02:17]  I don't get it.
[01:02:19]  I don't understand it.
[01:02:23]  And you know what's even weirder about that?
[01:02:25]  Somehow a dog attacked her in a pharmacy.
[01:02:30]  Very strange.
[01:02:32]  And the dog was wearing a vest that said DEA.
[01:02:35]  So odd.
[01:02:37]  These dogs.
[01:02:40]  Dogs with jobs.
[01:02:41]  I'm, of course, kidding.
[01:02:44]  We will see everyone next week.
[01:02:47]  Ben writes the whole show.
[01:02:49]  If you have any problem with anything I say, Ben writes a script.
[01:02:51]  He hands it to me.
[01:02:52]  I deliver it every single episode.
[01:02:54]  This is the Nazi.
[01:02:55]  This is the problem.
[01:02:56]  You have a problem with me.
[01:02:56]  You have a problem with him.
[01:02:58]  I'll go woke.
[01:02:59]  I'm just the puppet.
[01:03:01]  He's the one who writes the script.
[01:03:02]  If he writes a different script, I will say different things.
[01:03:06]  I want to be on Lily Singh's show.
[01:03:08]  I want to be on Lily Sing's show.
[01:03:11]  Imagine looking at Lily Singh and going, I can't make it in comedy.
[01:03:16]  Imagine looking at Lily Singh and going, I just can't figure a way to make it.
[01:03:21]  God.
[01:03:22]  Anything is.
[01:03:22]  I mean, there are Instagram stars in the middle of this country that are just making it because they are funny on Instagram and they don't even know what comedy is.
[01:03:31]  They don't care.
[01:03:32]  They're just fucking farting in wheelbarrows and making more money than all these fucking bitter losers that I fucking know.
[01:03:38]  Be one of those people.
[01:03:41]  Be one of those people.
[01:03:43]  You know?
[01:03:44]  I don't know what to fucking tell you.
[01:03:46]  We're coming up with a steak.
[01:03:47]  So it's going to be really good.
[01:03:50]  It might take a year to launch.
[01:03:51]  We don't care, but it'll be the best sauce on the market if we get it perfect.
[01:03:55]  If it's not perfect, I won't launch it.
[01:03:58]  Or I'll take McDonald's barbecue sauce and we'll put them in a bottle and then put our name on it and put it out.
[01:04:04]  We don't know yet.
[01:04:05]  But it'll be one of the two.
[01:04:06]  It'll either be the best sauce ever or you will get sick.
[01:04:11]  You know?
[01:04:13]  Which is, I think, a pretty fitting narrative for this show and the United States of America.
[01:04:17]  It's either going to work out really well or you will get sick, you know?
[01:04:22]  Or you'll be sick and it'll work out.
[01:04:24]  That's the real fun.
[01:04:25]  You just go insane and things work.
[01:04:28]  It's a fun way to do it.
[01:04:30]  Do we have a PO box there for people to send us things?
[01:04:32]  We will next week.
[01:04:33]  Next week, we have a P.O. box.
[01:04:34]  You can begin sending things to the show.
[01:04:40]  Jake Angeli will be our guest next week.
[01:04:48]  He'll be the governor of Arizona within 10 years.
[01:04:52]  The country's ending exactly how it's supposed to.
[01:04:56]  That's what's truly terrifying.
[01:04:58]  Actually, everything that's happening is actually should happen.
[01:05:04]  You know what I mean?
[01:05:05]  Yeah, the nuclear codes are being taken away from Trump.
[01:05:07]  I mean, it's like...
[01:05:08]  No, everything.
[01:05:09]  There's people with horns at the Capitol.
[01:05:11]  There's soccer moms are being maced in the face because they believe that they're protecting kids from Tom Hanks.
[01:05:17]  I mean, no, this is everything that should go down, going down.
[01:05:23]  Vegas is emptied out.
[01:05:25]  There's nothing to do.
[01:05:27]  People are just gaming.
[01:05:28]  It's the end of the economy.
[01:05:32]  There's just people just pulling slots, pulling slots.
[01:05:36]  Wear your mask.
[01:05:37]  Just got the mask on.
[01:05:39]  Still smoking butts, pulling slots, butts out, ash the butt, put the mask on.
[01:05:46]  Just still pulling slots in Vegas.
[01:05:49]  You know?
[01:05:50]  I mean, it's truly the way it all should go down.
[01:05:54]  But I think maybe we'll hit a wall with this.
[01:05:56]  It will turn around and things will get things will get much brighter and beautiful.
[01:06:03]  More, you know, I don't know.
[01:06:04]  I mean, it could be not.
[01:06:05]  I'm very excited about the spring and the summer of being, you know, happy.
[01:06:11]  We'll always, but always know this.
[01:06:13]  Always know this.
[01:06:15]  No matter how happy things get in this country, we take our jobs very seriously.
[01:06:21]  We will always go out and find the horror for you and then deliver it to you.
[01:06:25]  We will always go out and find the hell because there'll be no shortage of unadulterated hell, pain, horror.
[01:06:34]  We'll find it for you.
[01:06:36]  We'll deliver it for you.
[01:06:37]  Don't worry about it.
[01:06:39]  Don't despair.
[01:06:41]  Don't, you know what I mean?
[01:06:42]  This isn't going to be, this isn't going to turn into like Jimmy Kimmel or Stephen Colbert where they're like, hey, hey, hey, everybody.
[01:06:51]  I'm on 19 fucking pills to not kill myself.
[01:06:55]  And here's what I have to, hey, Miley.
[01:07:00]  Hey, everybody.

=== Shit Creek Paramount Austin (06:34) ===

[01:07:03]  Hey, who's this?
[01:07:04]  It's like in Shitz Creek.
[01:07:06]  It's Shitz Creek Day.
[01:07:08]  Dan Levy from Shit's Creek.
[01:07:10]  Hello.
[01:07:10]  It's Dick Creek.
[01:07:12]  It's Dick Creek.
[01:07:13]  Dan Levy, Dick Creek.
[01:07:15]  Chris Pratt's here.
[01:07:18]  Who follows me on Instagram?
[01:07:19]  Oh, really?
[01:07:20]  Respect to Chris Pratt.
[01:07:21]  And I didn't mean that when I said that.
[01:07:23]  I didn't mean whatever I said.
[01:07:24]  I was just, I was fearful.
[01:07:30]  Actually, you should put me in a movie.
[01:07:32]  Put me in something.
[01:07:34]  Put me in one of them.
[01:07:36]  You don't want it to work.
[01:07:37]  You got to, you know, do, do, let's throw one to the wolves.
[01:07:43]  Something fun.
[01:07:44]  Let's do something fun.
[01:07:47]  You know?
[01:07:48]  I should just DM him because he follows me on Instagram.
[01:07:50]  I should DM him and go, hey, man, brass tacks, are you going to produce my film or not?
[01:07:58]  Because quite frankly, we should do that to Philippine.
[01:08:02]  Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[01:08:03]  Hey, Ryan, are you going to produce our movie?
[01:08:06]  Can you cut it out?
[01:08:09]  Please?
[01:08:11]  A lot of celebrities listen to the show.
[01:08:13]  Very weird.
[01:08:14]  Odd.
[01:08:14]  But not that weird when you think that we're kind of commenting on things that they like to hear, you know?
[01:08:22]  But they're in that world of like, can't really say anything.
[01:08:26]  Can't really say anything ever about anything.
[01:08:30]  So, you know, they just, they enjoy hearing, you know, I guess, this message.
[01:08:38]  You wouldn't think they would, but they do.
[01:08:41]  We're about 10 minutes over the hour here.
[01:08:44]  As you can tell, the broadcasting quality has declined precipitously.
[01:08:47]  But if I were to keep doing this show for like nine hours on my 10th hour, I would suck as much as everyone else.
[01:08:53]  Like, that's what most other people are putting out, by the way.
[01:08:57]  Other than like 20 of us.
[01:08:58]  That's what most people are doing.
[01:09:00]  Okay.
[01:09:01]  I'll be back on the King in the Sting, co-hosting with Brendan Schaub, the greatest comedy team in history.
[01:09:07]  This is what a lot of people are saying.
[01:09:09]  It's not Abbott and Costello or Laurel and Hardy.
[01:09:11]  It is me and Brendan Schaub on the king in the sting.
[01:09:15]  So if you believe that, and that is a widely held belief.
[01:09:20]  So if you believe that, as I, I don't know if I believe it, but I've just heard it so frequently that I have to believe it.
[01:09:28]  So very good.
[01:09:30]  And then I'll be at the performing at Paramount or some theater in Austin at the end of January.
[01:09:36]  Got tickets.
[01:09:37]  I tweeted it out.
[01:09:38]  I'll figure out what it is.
[01:09:39]  It's socially distanced, but it's around there.
[01:09:41]  I don't even know.
[01:09:42]  I can find it on your Twitter.
[01:09:43]  Hold on.
[01:09:44]  Kenya?
[01:09:44]  This will take three hours.
[01:09:45]  I hope no one's got anything to do.
[01:09:47]  When did you tweet it out?
[01:09:48]  I don't know.
[01:09:50]  It's socially distanced.
[01:09:52]  Let me see.
[01:09:53]  Is it on my website?
[01:09:55]  I don't think so.
[01:09:56]  Just say Austin.
[01:09:57]  Yeah.
[01:10:01]  No, I mean, it's just, just go to my website.
[01:10:05]  And it's probably not on there either.
[01:10:10]  No, yeah, it's not on there.
[01:10:12]  Well, whatever.
[01:10:13]  You can find it.
[01:10:14]  It's a Paramount.
[01:10:14]  Go to the Paramount Austin, Tim Dylan.
[01:10:16]  Moon Tower comedy thing at Austin.
[01:10:18]  Go Moontower Comedy, Tim Dylan, Paramount, Austin.
[01:10:21]  It's in fucking Austin.
[01:10:24]  Comedy.
[01:10:24]  It's Tim Dylan.
[01:10:25]  It's there.
[01:10:26]  Paramount Theater.
[01:10:27]  I knew it.
[01:10:28]  Yep.
[01:10:29]  January 21st and the 22nd, which is my birthday.
[01:10:33]  January 22nd is my birthday.
[01:10:34]  I'm turning 19 years old.
[01:10:37]  Very excited.
[01:10:38]  Their website's not loading, but their website's not loading.
[01:10:40]  It's real, folks.
[01:10:41]  It's real.
[01:10:41]  It's actually happening.
[01:10:43]  Late January, I'll be in Austin, Texas.
[01:10:45]  There it is.
[01:10:46]  Thursday, January 21st, January 22nd, January 23rd in Austin, Texas.
[01:10:53]  Old-ass bio there.
[01:10:54]  That's fine.
[01:10:55]  Not holding it against it.
[01:10:56]  Very exciting.
[01:10:56]  It is a big theater, and it's socially distant.
[01:10:59]  So hopefully we'll have a lot of fun there.
[01:11:02]  So grab tickets to that if you want to come and see me.
[01:11:06]  Do you have anything to plug?
[01:11:08]  You do anything you want people to listen to the Tim Dylan show on YouTube.
[01:11:15]  Patreon.com slash the Tim Dylan show.
[01:11:18]  You had a podcast, but you're now done with it.
[01:11:19]  I'm done.
[01:11:20]  You're done with it.
[01:11:21]  Okay.
[01:11:21]  Maybe you'll start another one with you.
[01:11:24]  How about I start a podcast with you?
[01:11:25]  No.
[01:11:26]  Or you're the co-host.
[01:11:27]  You need more of a following.
[01:11:28]  I'm not doing a crossover unless it's someone that has a big following.
[01:11:32]  Like little huddy.
[01:11:36]  It would be funny one day if you'd sat here and I just did you.
[01:11:39]  Like we had a crossover called the Ben Avery Show and you produced and I hosted.
[01:11:43]  Yeah.
[01:11:43]  And then we'll just go, hello.
[01:11:45]  Start.
[01:11:45]  Just practice.
[01:11:46]  Do what you would do the first minute.
[01:11:48]  Hello, everybody.
[01:11:50]  I'm here with my co-host and producer, Tim Dylan.
[01:11:57]  We went to Vegas this weekend.
[01:12:06]  Vegas is a crazy place of crazy people.
[01:12:11]  You know, the thing I like about Vegas is...
[01:12:23]  The valet people at the casinos now are thankful.
[01:12:36]  That's what you have?
[01:12:37]  That's all you have?
[01:12:39]  It's a 60-second podcast.
[01:12:41]  But you were copying a lot of what I said, which is disappointing to me.
[01:12:45]  Well, actually, how about this?
[01:12:46]  The Ben Avery show should be a recap of the Tim Dylan show every week.
[01:12:50]  We do three days later where I talk about what you talk about.
[01:12:54]  No one's doing that.
[01:12:55]  Do you see what happens when you let him speak?
[01:12:58]  How crazy and off the rails it gets?
[01:13:00]  People like you.
[01:13:02]  A lot of people like you because they don't know you.
[01:13:04]  This is true.
[01:13:05]  They don't really know you because they've been allowed little parts of you.
[01:13:08]  I've only showed them the parts of you that I feel will help you out.
[01:13:11]  But they don't know the parts of you that need not only the leather strap, but the buckle.
[01:13:17]  Whereas when you need, Ben needs to get the buckle, where it's like you just, you ever get hit with a buckle?
[01:13:23]  Yeah, my dad used to do paddle and belt.
[01:13:26]  Yeah.
[01:13:26]  With a buckle?
[01:13:27]  Well, like the, I think sometimes I got hit with the buckle, but not across the face, if that's what you mean, but on the ass.
[01:13:33]  It's a lot.
[01:13:34]  I might buy it.
[01:13:35]  But you need, well, you need those beatings.

=== Writing Billie Eilish Songs (06:03) ===

[01:13:37]  Big paddle.
[01:13:38]  Yeah, you need more of that.
[01:13:42]  You need to live in constant fear for your life.
[01:13:45]  And that is when you are at your best.
[01:13:47]  That's when Tina Turner, Michael Jackson, let's not lie here.
[01:13:52]  When people stopped getting tortured, everything started to suck.
[01:13:56]  Billie Eilish has had like a lovely childhood, which is why everything's like, I went to me.
[01:14:13]  That's why.
[01:14:14]  That's what happened.
[01:14:15]  Now, if it was like Billy would be like, oh, I'm Billie Eilish.
[01:14:26]  I got my ass kicked, so I'm good now.
[01:14:33]  Why won't she come on, this fucking goon?
[01:14:36]  I'm kidding, Billy.
[01:14:37]  Shout out to Billie Eilish.
[01:14:38]  She's our sponsor.
[01:14:39]  Yeah.
[01:14:40]  She sponsors the show.
[01:14:42]  We will watch that doc when it comes out.
[01:14:44]  Oh, yeah.
[01:14:44]  That one that looks like Who Took Johnny?
[01:14:46]  Looks scarier than Who Took Johnny.
[01:14:48]  I wish we could play it.
[01:14:48]  It's terrifying.
[01:14:49]  I mean, it's a terrifying.
[01:14:50]  It's like, it's like horror movie music.
[01:14:54]  Hey, hey, hey, you're from the suburbs.
[01:14:56]  Cut it out.
[01:14:57]  This is why people get sick of white people because they got to do this goth horror shit.
[01:15:01]  And it's like, you know what?
[01:15:03]  You grew up in the suburbs.
[01:15:04]  Things aren't that fucking bad.
[01:15:06]  Act like Katy Perry and dance around with an inflatable dolphin and get junked up every night.
[01:15:12]  Please.
[01:15:13]  Stop acting like you've been through it.
[01:15:15]  Okay.
[01:15:16]  You mini witch.
[01:15:17]  Act like these fucking.
[01:15:19]  You grew up in the suburbs.
[01:15:20]  Things aren't that bad.
[01:15:23]  What happened?
[01:15:23]  You got sad one day?
[01:15:25]  Okay.
[01:15:26]  Enough.
[01:15:27]  Stop making these documentaries, like these horror movies, where it's like, you don't know how dark and complicated it all is.
[01:15:33]  No, it's not that dark and complicated.
[01:15:35]  She is talented.
[01:15:37]  She has talent.
[01:15:38]  And she sings songs for people that cut themselves.
[01:15:42]  Fine.
[01:15:42]  No problem with that.
[01:15:43]  Not hating on her.
[01:15:44]  I think some of her music is good.
[01:15:45]  But let's not make...
[01:15:46]  Why are we making a documentary about her anyway?
[01:15:48]  She's 13.
[01:15:49]  Secondly, why is it the darkest thing ever?
[01:15:52]  Where it's like, you'll never understand what it's like.
[01:15:58]  Do you not want this?
[01:16:00]  Would you like all the theaters and the audiences to go away?
[01:16:03]  No, but it's more complex than that.
[01:16:06]  There's layers of okay, well, don't do it.
[01:16:09]  You don't have to do it.
[01:16:11]  You want to work at the shoeborn?
[01:16:16]  You know?
[01:16:17]  Howard Stern had a great line once about Barbara Streisand.
[01:16:19]  Barbara Treisan was like, I just feel so exposed on stage and so vulnerable.
[01:16:24]  And Howard Stern was like, hey, you didn't feel that way when you were hungry.
[01:16:28]  You know?
[01:16:30]  This exposure, this vulnerability is a bit new.
[01:16:34]  But how great would it be if the majority of the Billie Eilish documentary is devoted to talking about me and the joke I made about her on Instagram?
[01:16:41]  She has no idea who I am.
[01:16:43]  If you know Billie Eilish, tell her about me and tell her how much you like me and tell her how much you think that me and her should collab because I could collab with her on a song easily.
[01:16:52]  Totally.
[01:16:54]  I could be like, I could write a Billie Eilish song.
[01:16:57]  Yeah, right.
[01:16:58]  I'll just, I'll take the beat.
[01:16:59]  Can you find a Billie Eilish instrumental?
[01:17:01]  Royalty-free, all right?
[01:17:02]  Yeah, do a royalty-free Billie Eilish instrumental.
[01:17:04]  I can easily write a Billie Eilish song.
[01:17:06]  Tea-free Billie Eilish type dance.
[01:17:10]  We're just going to go off to the first one here.
[01:17:17]  Easy.
[01:17:25]  I saw you in a cloud.
[01:17:32]  I had a nightmare about your breath.
[01:17:40]  There were bats and blood.
[01:17:45]  I was sad.
[01:17:47]  I left my lunchbox on the bus.
[01:17:50]  My life's a horror show.
[01:17:56]  I'm dark and complex.
[01:18:00]  I'm sad sometimes.
[01:18:03]  Aren't you sad too?
[01:18:06]  You work at the cell phone store.
[01:18:13]  My brother showed me his genitalia.
[01:18:16]  And someone said, I read in the book that wasn't okay.
[01:18:24]  But then my agent said, shut your mouth.
[01:18:28]  Satan's your friend.
[01:18:30]  And I said, who is Satan?
[01:18:33]  And my agent said, we're all Satan.
[01:18:38]  And I said, that sounds good.
[01:18:42]  So me and my brother and my mama and my daddy got an old car.
[01:18:48]  I eat vegan food and I like my agent Satan.
[01:18:55]  I perform in a stadium for girls that are very sad.
[01:19:03]  Some of them can't keep down the lunch they ate that afternoon.
[01:19:09]  I don't know why I'm getting deeper.
[01:19:13]  Billie Eilish is a black guy.
[01:19:15]  Oh, Lord, Jesus.
[01:19:17]  I'm Billy Eilish.
[01:19:21]  I'm Billy Eilish.
[01:19:25]  How great would it be if she released an album as like a blues singer and everyone just had to be like, I guess it's okay.
[01:19:33]  She's like, oh, Lord, the pain I've been through.

=== Trump Parlor Shenanigans (01:07) ===

[01:19:40]  Ladies and gentlemen, show.
[01:19:41]  Ladies and gentlemen, thank you.
[01:19:42]  We'll see you next week.
[01:19:43]  Goodbye.
[01:19:44]  Okay, we just finished recording.
[01:19:46]  We're coming back on really quickly.
[01:19:48]  Just to say, Trump was banned from Twitter.
[01:19:50]  You guys all know that right now.
[01:19:51]  Twitter released a statement saying it's due to the increased incitement of violence.
[01:19:59]  So, you know, you knew it was coming.
[01:20:03]  I think Trump's going on parlor.
[01:20:05]  It'll be interesting.
[01:20:07]  What does the news say?
[01:20:08]  We'll keep following this story.
[01:20:10]  We'll keep following this story.
[01:20:14]  Yeah, I don't know how I feel about it.
[01:20:16]  I don't think that the ban is appropriate.
[01:20:25]  But, I mean, you know, this is also coming on the heels of some shenanigans.
[01:20:30]  But I do think the ban's a little much, but I also think that like, hey, this is kind of what this guy wanted.
[01:20:39]  I think he wanted it to go down like this.
[01:20:41]  He kind of wanted it to end like this.
[01:20:43]  I think he's getting his wish.
[01:20:44]  Really, truly, I think this is what he wants.
[01:20:46]  All right.
[01:20:47]  Good luck out there.