The Tim Dillon Show - 232 - Andrew Schulz
Aired: 2020-12-27
Duration: 01:59:47


=== Christmas Night Family Drama (09:27) ===

[00:00:20]  Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dylan show.
[00:00:23]  It is Christmas night, right?
[00:00:25]  It's the 26th night.
[00:00:26]  What does that mean?
[00:00:28]  So it's the night after Christmas.
[00:00:30]  It's the night after Christmas.
[00:00:32]  So Christmas is the 25th.
[00:00:34]  That's correct.
[00:00:36]  And then, which I know.
[00:00:37]  And then the 26th is what?
[00:00:44]  Like.
[00:00:45]  Aren't you religious?
[00:00:47]  What is it supposed to be?
[00:00:48]  Is it something?
[00:00:49]  It's the day.
[00:00:50]  It's got to be something.
[00:00:51]  I guess it's the first day of Jesus's life, right?
[00:00:54]  Shut up.
[00:00:55]  I hope everyone enjoyed their holiday.
[00:00:57]  We have a great interview with Andrew Schultz coming up.
[00:00:59]  We just got back from New York City.
[00:01:01]  We went to New York for a few days to see my parents to surprise both of my parents to do a socially distanced, truncated holiday, which is really the way I want to do them from now on.
[00:01:14]  10-minute socially distanced.
[00:01:16]  You're alive.
[00:01:17]  I'm alive.
[00:01:18]  Okay, cool.
[00:01:18]  Bye.
[00:01:19]  We're out of there.
[00:01:21]  I surprised my mother, who's in a mental institution, by the way.
[00:01:24]  Everyone's like, she's going to be so surprised.
[00:01:25]  I'm like, she's insane.
[00:01:26]  It's not going to be that much of a surprise.
[00:01:29]  Every day, they just go, Today is another thing.
[00:01:32]  And she goes, okay, she's in an institution.
[00:01:34]  I'm sure she was, I'm sure the level of surprise was somewhat muted.
[00:01:38]  You know, I was, I told her, I said, I'm sorry, Trump lost.
[00:01:41]  She felt very bad about that.
[00:01:42]  She goes, I know, I know.
[00:01:44]  And we got to do it through a plate of glass.
[00:01:46]  Like, she's a felon because of Corona.
[00:01:49]  So I got a COVID, whatever.
[00:01:51]  You got to stand.
[00:01:52]  I like Corona.
[00:01:52]  I like calling it the old school.
[00:01:54]  Yeah, I like that.
[00:01:55]  I got to stand outside the plate glass window.
[00:01:57]  And then she kept demeaning Ben.
[00:01:58]  She kept going.
[00:01:59]  I was like, yeah, Ben's my co-producer.
[00:02:00]  She's like, oh, your secretary.
[00:02:02]  I'm like, not really.
[00:02:04]  He edits all my content.
[00:02:05]  She's like, your secretary.
[00:02:07]  I'm like, well, my best friend.
[00:02:09]  She's like, your secretary.
[00:02:11]  He's a secretary.
[00:02:12]  Like, well, you know, certainly some of his duties are secretarial.
[00:02:17]  I mean, there's, you know, but you, you, you took it in stride.
[00:02:21]  She's a lovely woman.
[00:02:22]  You took it in stride.
[00:02:23]  I think she thought it was funny to keep calling me a secretary.
[00:02:25]  I could see her smiling.
[00:02:26]  Yeah.
[00:02:27]  Well, you, you, you need to be beaten.
[00:02:30]  And people realize that if someone gives you too many compliments, the things you will do, the horror you will bring upon the world would be unquantifiable.
[00:02:40]  This is true.
[00:02:41]  The nightmares that you, if you are not constantly made to feel bad about who you are, you are not at your best.
[00:02:48]  It's true.
[00:02:49]  It's true.
[00:02:49]  It's a fact.
[00:02:50]  Some people just need it.
[00:02:51]  And then we went to see my father and the woman he married, those two goons.
[00:02:58]  They just built a new house.
[00:03:00]  They didn't build it.
[00:03:01]  They bought a new house two blocks away from their old house because they were bored during the quarantine and because, as always, they have no money and they're perpetual victims and life is hard.
[00:03:10]  So they bought a new house that's big, not as big as my house.
[00:03:13]  That doesn't matter.
[00:03:14]  It does.
[00:03:16]  And they're living there now in a lovely, idyllic kind of town.
[00:03:23]  You know, we go there, we surprise my father.
[00:03:25]  You know, the first thing he says, he looks at me and goes, you know, it's so nice here.
[00:03:29]  He goes, during the summer, the kids all throw water balloons at the fire trucks on the 4th of July.
[00:03:35]  He goes, it's real Americana.
[00:03:36]  I'm like, oh, that's nice.
[00:03:37]  Why didn't we live here when I was growing up?
[00:03:40]  Why didn't you give a fuck about that?
[00:03:42]  I was growing up doing cocaine at 13 years old in my best friend's house whose mother was a prostitute.
[00:03:50]  And we were doing blow.
[00:03:52]  Where was your care about Americana back then?
[00:03:54]  Where was Santa Claus in the fire truck back then?
[00:03:58]  You didn't give a shit.
[00:03:59]  Now you care that you're 70 and you have no children.
[00:04:02]  Him and his chick, their kids are gone.
[00:04:05]  They've all been raised and they're out of the house.
[00:04:07]  Now they've decided to get a, what a great place to raise ours, no children.
[00:04:11]  What a great place to raise our dogs, our dogs.
[00:04:16]  And then my stepmother, who I've, you know, we've had issues, but I mean, we're fine, you know?
[00:04:22]  I, you know, I have no issue with anybody.
[00:04:24]  But she likes to dig.
[00:04:26]  She digs.
[00:04:27]  And many of you know this because you have family members that do this.
[00:04:31]  They give a compliment, which is actually the worst thing you've ever heard.
[00:04:37]  They give you a compliment and then follow it up with the meanest someone can be to you.
[00:04:42]  They try to find your weaknesses, isolate them, and then attack, which is what the woman does.
[00:04:48]  She started with me.
[00:04:49]  She goes, oh, you got a nice big house.
[00:04:50]  I said, yeah.
[00:04:51]  She goes, are you all alone there?
[00:04:54]  She doesn't even ask like that.
[00:04:56]  She goes like this.
[00:04:56]  She goes, first, she goes, so does Ben live with you?
[00:05:00]  I'm like, no, Ben lives with his wife.
[00:05:02]  And she goes, oh, so you're alone in the house.
[00:05:04]  I'm like, yeah, I'm alone.
[00:05:05]  She goes, does it get lonely there?
[00:05:08]  And I'm like, no, it's fine.
[00:05:09]  I like it.
[00:05:10]  I live alone.
[00:05:11]  A lot of people live alone.
[00:05:12]  It's not a big deal, but she's just going.
[00:05:14]  She's digging in.
[00:05:16]  And then she goes at him.
[00:05:17]  She goes, she goes, so you work with him.
[00:05:20]  She goes, how did you meet?
[00:05:21]  And he goes, why?
[00:05:22]  Well, he was a comedian in LA.
[00:05:23]  She goes, oh, so you used to do comedy.
[00:05:26]  She goes, so you don't really do comedy anymore.
[00:05:28]  And Ben's like, no, and my desk, well, he works with Tim and they do this whole thing.
[00:05:31]  And she goes, oh, so you don't do your own comedy anymore.
[00:05:35]  Like, again, just trying to needle.
[00:05:37]  And then he, it starts to work on him.
[00:05:39]  He starts to get like sad.
[00:05:41]  He goes, I'm just a laugh track.
[00:05:43]  I'm just a laugh track.
[00:05:45]  That's all I do.
[00:05:46]  And I'm like, God damn it.
[00:05:47]  No, don't let her do this.
[00:05:49]  Then she starts talking about her own daughter.
[00:05:51]  She goes, my daughter lives in a small apartment and doesn't have any friends.
[00:05:56]  She goes, the law firm's keeping her very busy, but she doesn't have any friends because she hasn't lived in Long Island in a decade.
[00:06:02]  And the only joy in her life is when me and your father take her out for dinner.
[00:06:05]  I'm like, well, I'm sure that's not true.
[00:06:07]  I'm sure that's completely untrue.
[00:06:08]  And if she's having such a hard time of it in life, why are you telling me this?
[00:06:14]  God, keep it in.
[00:06:17]  But she likes that.
[00:06:18]  She likes to spread horror.
[00:06:21]  She does.
[00:06:22]  I mean, that's just what it is.
[00:06:24]  And poor little Ben was like, I'm like, Ben runs our company.
[00:06:28]  Ben does everything.
[00:06:29]  And Ben was just like, I'm just a laugh track.
[00:06:32]  I'm just a laugh track.
[00:06:34]  That's all I do.
[00:06:35]  And I'm just like, well, you could tell.
[00:06:37]  She's, she doesn't work on me.
[00:06:38]  I don't care.
[00:06:39]  I go, yeah, I like being alone.
[00:06:41]  And then we start telling her about Patreon and all the money that we make and everything, just because I would never do that.
[00:06:46]  But the way I, I only behaved in that manner because she, it angered her.
[00:06:51]  It angers them when I talk about money.
[00:06:54]  That angers them, right?
[00:06:57]  But but we were in and out of there, what, 10 minutes?
[00:07:00]  Yeah, 10 minutes.
[00:07:01]  Both of us thoroughly insulted.
[00:07:03]  And this is what you, this is what you can do instead of doing the whole holiday party because holidays are fun if you have little kids and you give them Batman.
[00:07:11]  He goes, daddy, I love you.
[00:07:14]  That's not it for a lot of us.
[00:07:15]  For a lot of us, it's going to a family, sitting around a room with a bunch of people with drinking problems and divorcees, multiple bankruptcies.
[00:07:24]  People don't even know who each other are anymore.
[00:07:27]  You're like, who are you again?
[00:07:28]  You're dating who?
[00:07:31]  Your uncle fucking Rick's girlfriend.
[00:07:36]  You've been seeing each other.
[00:07:37]  How long?
[00:07:38]  Like, no one knows each other.
[00:07:40]  It's like, it's also, I'm a divorced family, so I don't even know the uncle whose girlfriend this is.
[00:07:45]  Like, yeah, I'm Sharon.
[00:07:46]  I date Steve.
[00:07:47]  Who's Steve?
[00:07:48]  What are we all doing here?
[00:07:50]  It's a waste of our time.
[00:07:52]  Everybody's like, you know, we're all like somehow, this is this odd configuration of human beings in a divorced family where people have several marriages and different children.
[00:08:06]  Have you ever been at these holiday parties where like the kids come in like after they were with their other family?
[00:08:14]  This is true.
[00:08:15]  It's like the saddest thing.
[00:08:16]  It's like, and now the kids are back from dads.
[00:08:20]  And the kids run in all manic and they have to start like they fling their jackets off and then they grab their presents and then they like they're like, now I'm enjoying my second Christmas with this other family I really don't know.
[00:08:36]  It's so weird.
[00:08:37]  And then they introduce the kids to you and you're like, hey, whatever their names are, you know?
[00:08:44]  Hey, Ralph.
[00:08:45]  No one's named Ralph, but you know what I mean.
[00:08:48]  There's too many of their real names for me to use, even though I do talk about.
[00:08:52]  I don't know why I'm shielding the children, but I feel like it just makes sense.
[00:08:56]  But then you look at them and they're like, you know, some, I love like the girls who are kind of cunty, like the like girls in their like early teens or whatever.
[00:09:04]  They're like, this is Tim.
[00:09:05]  This is Timmy's son.
[00:09:06]  And they just go like this.
[00:09:06]  They go.
[00:09:11]  You know?
[00:09:12]  And I'm like, yeah, Merry Christmas.
[00:09:15]  I don't know why I'm here.
[00:09:16]  Merry Christmas.
[00:09:17]  I hate this.
[00:09:21]  It's such a, I mean, the Christmases have just gotten tragic.
[00:09:25]  And then people you barely know hand you garbage gifts.
[00:09:29]  They hand you shit gifts.
[00:09:32]  My stepmother's father once gave me a hard drive.
[00:09:34]  I'm like, what is this?
[00:09:36]  The Zebruder film?
[00:09:37]  It was fucking, he goes, it just says all these facts.
[00:09:41]  He goes, you're a comedian.
[00:09:42]  You should know a bunch of facts.
[00:09:44]  And it was just endless pages of facts about everything you can think about.

=== Irish Facts and Budweiser (05:44) ===

[00:09:48]  Really?
[00:09:48]  Yeah.
[00:09:49]  I'm like, what the fuck is going on here?
[00:09:53]  What is this?
[00:09:56]  But you don't know these people and they shouldn't even be giving you gifts.
[00:09:59]  And yet they are.
[00:10:01]  You just fall out of families.
[00:10:04]  You fall out.
[00:10:05]  Like I said to Ben, like Ben is my family because like my mom's nuts.
[00:10:09]  And my dad, I love him, but he's had a lobotomy.
[00:10:11]  I mean, he's been McMurphy.
[00:10:12]  He's talking about his dogs.
[00:10:14]  And then his wife, Maleficent, is trying to ruin our lives here.
[00:10:18]  She's trying to just destroy any semblance of self-respect me and this kid have.
[00:10:23]  And then I choose that or my lunatic mother, you know, in a stop the steel hat with Tina 40.
[00:10:30]  So, and I don't know.
[00:10:32]  And my cousins, and my cousin, listen to this.
[00:10:35]  My cousin, okay, the ones that aren't in jail currently text me and goes, hey, I don't ask for much.
[00:10:44]  By the way, good.
[00:10:46]  I don't ask for anything.
[00:10:48]  So when you go, I don't ask for much.
[00:10:50]  I go, good.
[00:10:51]  Please don't change that.
[00:10:53]  Please have that be the only text.
[00:10:55]  Hey, I don't ask for much.
[00:10:57]  Oh, noted.
[00:10:58]  Merry Christmas.
[00:11:00]  But then he goes like this.
[00:11:03]  I'm going to read the text.
[00:11:04]  It's out of his goddamn mind, these people.
[00:11:08]  And I love everyone and respect them.
[00:11:10]  But I have to let everyone know.
[00:11:15]  Listen to this.
[00:11:17]  Listen, throwing this out there, I don't ask for much.
[00:11:20]  I don't have a Twitter and Budweiser is doing this thing.
[00:11:23]  If you send them a pic of your dog, they will put it on their beer can.
[00:11:27]  Can you send this picture to Budweiser and send the hashtag Pupweiser?
[00:11:33]  Hashtag PupWhat?
[00:11:35]  Aren't you in recovery?
[00:11:38]  Why do you want a dog on a can of Budweiser?
[00:11:43]  What's the next thing you want me to do?
[00:11:44]  Get a picture of your dog on a syringe?
[00:11:47]  You want an OxyCon with a picture of your cat?
[00:11:50]  Get to work, folks.
[00:11:52]  I've had enough.
[00:11:55]  Then he goes, you know, I'll save the trouble if you answer.
[00:11:59]  I'll just go fuck myself.
[00:12:00]  Correct.
[00:12:01]  Love the little guy, but enough.
[00:12:03]  No, I'm not putting your dog on a can of Budweiser.
[00:12:06]  Many people in our family have wet brain because of that product.
[00:12:10]  Okay?
[00:12:12]  There's people that can't stand up straight without getting vertigo.
[00:12:15]  Yeah, I don't think we should put your puppy on a beer bottle.
[00:12:20]  Enough with the substances for Christ.
[00:12:23]  Fucking Irish slobs, one and all.
[00:12:27]  My skin looks horrible because I just got back from New York and I'm related to these people.
[00:12:31]  And I believe my emotions bleed out of my face.
[00:12:34]  That's why I uploaded that photo in the studio and everyone's shitting on me because I look so bad.
[00:12:40]  So bad.
[00:12:41]  Get it up and show them how bad I look.
[00:12:43]  I want you to know how bad I look.
[00:12:44]  And I know I don't look good now, but I looked horrible.
[00:12:47]  I looked good a week ago, though.
[00:12:49]  Many of you commented on that.
[00:12:50]  Look, oh, wait, how much did the vaccine one get?
[00:12:52]  That's fun.
[00:12:53]  $25,000.
[00:12:54]  Oh, that's just fun, though.
[00:12:56]  This is me getting the vaccine.
[00:12:57]  Can we play that?
[00:12:58]  Yeah, yeah, of course.
[00:12:58]  It's my own goddamn Twitter.
[00:13:01]  This is me getting the vaccine.
[00:13:08]  Come on.
[00:13:09]  I got the vaccine yesterday and I feel great.
[00:13:12]  Thank you for the vaccine.
[00:13:15]  I'm very happy about the vaccine and I feel good.
[00:13:20]  Just fun.
[00:13:23]  Now look at this photo.
[00:13:24]  I mean, and can you do the close-up?
[00:13:27]  Do a close-up on me in this photo if you can.
[00:13:30]  It is so horrid.
[00:13:33]  Go in deep.
[00:13:34]  Yes, further.
[00:13:36]  Further.
[00:13:37]  As far as I can go.
[00:13:40]  Find a way to go further.
[00:13:42]  Okay, hold on.
[00:13:43]  This is so harrowing.
[00:13:44]  And Ben looks great, by the way, adding nothing, as he usually does.
[00:13:50]  It is so harrowing, this photo of myself, that I was so, I didn't want to post it, but I'm like, I'm going to have to post it.
[00:14:00]  And I did, and I just took my medicine because people, people were honestly like, this is horrific.
[00:14:08]  And they were right.
[00:14:10]  But it was a boss picture.
[00:14:12]  Sometimes you got to look.
[00:14:13]  My God.
[00:14:15]  My God.
[00:14:16]  Look at that man.
[00:14:19]  Look at that.
[00:14:21]  Everything is the hair, the gray, the blotchiness, the breakout, the fat chin.
[00:14:28]  Like everything came together.
[00:14:30]  The expression, the bags under the eyes, everything came together for just a moment of horror.
[00:14:38]  A corpse, an Irish corpse.
[00:14:42]  Better looking than 75% of Irish women, though, let's be honest.
[00:14:46]  That's what an Irish woman looks like when she gets older.
[00:14:49]  That's the best you're going to do if someone's named Terry or Colleen.
[00:14:53]  But what a horror.
[00:14:56]  If you're not watching this, just go to my Instagram and you'll see it.
[00:14:59]  Get it away, please.
[00:15:02]  But I was in New York, and because I have to deal, now thank God we were able to go to Artie's South Shore Fish in Island Park, which reopened.
[00:15:12]  It is the best fish restaurant on Long Island.
[00:15:15]  Still, they've got the same chef.
[00:15:18]  They've got the same fish guy.
[00:15:20]  It is truly amazing, and I'm happy to have gone there, to have flown across the country, flown across the country, to have patronized such an establishment.

=== Resigning During the Pandemic (15:14) ===

[00:15:33]  And I think that that's a great thing that we did.
[00:15:35]  There it is.
[00:15:36]  Artie South Shaw Fish in a Blizzard, no less.
[00:15:40]  And we did it.
[00:15:42]  The tuna tartare, buffalo calamari, shrimp cocktail, tuna tidbits, baby crab cakes, any of the fishes.
[00:15:49]  Their soul is great.
[00:15:50]  They have everything.
[00:15:51]  You go in there, you say, what came in today?
[00:15:53]  What's fresh?
[00:15:54]  Halibut, whatever.
[00:15:55]  You get a little white wine, lemon, you get some potatoes, maybe a sweet potato, a little spinach.
[00:16:00]  Boom, you're done.
[00:16:02]  It's great.
[00:16:03]  Don't shut down more restaurants, please.
[00:16:07]  Stop shutting down restaurants.
[00:16:10]  They have done so much work.
[00:16:12]  The government has done nothing.
[00:16:14]  The government has spent eight months twiddling their fucking thumbs.
[00:16:17]  They haven't passed a relief bill.
[00:16:18]  They haven't done anything.
[00:16:21]  They've not increased ICU capacity.
[00:16:23]  They haven't built more hospitals.
[00:16:25]  They've done nothing.
[00:16:26]  Restaurants, on the other hand, have worked their asses off, trying to operate safely.
[00:16:32]  They've spent tons of money to put outdoor dining in.
[00:16:36]  They put those glass partitions up between tables.
[00:16:39]  They went through all of these different regulations.
[00:16:42]  Okay.
[00:16:42]  They want to keep their customers safe.
[00:16:44]  They want to keep their employees safe.
[00:16:46]  They worked harder than the government.
[00:16:48]  And Gavin Newsome and Andrew Cuomo and the other scumbags who run these states are shutting them down and destroying their ability to earn a living and earn money.
[00:16:59]  And I know it's a real disease and I know it is spiking, but there has to be a better way to do this than to destroy people's livelihoods forever and then let all this fucking money, these bailouts that get passed, go to corporate America.
[00:17:16]  And Jimmy Doerr did a whole great thing on this where he goes, this is an upward transfer of wealth, which I spoke to Mullen when this first happened.
[00:17:23]  And after 9-11, after all of these things, after the mortgage crisis, there just is this massive transfer of wealth upwards to the most powerful people, the least vulnerable people in our society are rewarded.
[00:17:37]  And the most vulnerable people in our society are fucked.
[00:17:40]  People that work, people that work at fucking food distribution centers, the Tyson chicken factory, people that have to go to work, essential workers, restaurant workers, people that are earning a living, not in their house, like we are lucky enough to do.
[00:17:57]  They're out there fucking actually going out and earning a fucking living.
[00:18:00]  And by the way, everybody has a problem with comics doing shows.
[00:18:04]  Nobody has a problem with people working at Ralph's because they don't give a shit about those people.
[00:18:09]  Nobody has a problem with that.
[00:18:10]  Nobody has a problem with other workers that are going out doing essential work.
[00:18:14]  I know there's good arguments why comics shouldn't do shows.
[00:18:17]  I'm not doing shows right now.
[00:18:18]  I hopefully we'll get back to them in March.
[00:18:20]  Okay.
[00:18:22]  But there also has to be an understanding, like for some people, there was never a quarantine.
[00:18:26]  Those people never had the luxury of being off.
[00:18:29]  Okay.
[00:18:30]  Whether they worked at a grocery store or a place like Walmart or Target or whatever it was, or they drove an Uber or a Lyft and they had to earn fucking money.
[00:18:39]  And it's just disgust.
[00:18:40]  I mean, what is left to do with people like Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer and Mitch McConnell other than publicly execute them?
[00:18:51]  And I say that as an intellectual exercise.
[00:18:56]  But what is left to do with this government right now?
[00:18:59]  Truly, what is left to do with the government?
[00:19:03]  These people have ordered businesses to shut down.
[00:19:07]  They have not provided any relief.
[00:19:09]  And then they go and give you tours of their freezer like that old witch, Nancy Pelosi, did seven months ago, where she's walking around showing you that she's got gelato in the free.
[00:19:19]  What can be done with these people other than to draw and quarter them, Catholic Inquisition stop, put them on a rack?
[00:19:30]  I mean, honestly, why are these people still around?
[00:19:33]  Why in God's name is Nancy Pelosi?
[00:19:36]  She's the wicked witch of the West sister.
[00:19:40]  Like she's the one where you just saw the feet furl up.
[00:19:45]  Why is she there?
[00:19:47]  Why is Chuck Schumer?
[00:19:49]  These people they don't leave.
[00:19:51]  They have been a part of these wealth transfers.
[00:19:54]  Jimmy Dohert, that great kind of viral clip, they've engineered them.
[00:19:59]  Republicans and Democrats have engineered these things.
[00:20:01]  They think these things are great.
[00:20:04]  So I don't know what's left to do, truly.
[00:20:08]  And I would never, and I'm not now advocating any type of violence, but I do understand people's frustration.
[00:20:14]  And they go, what do you do with a government that has just really completely failed on every level here?
[00:20:20]  You got to vote all of these people out, I guess.
[00:20:22]  I mean, that's the only thing you can really do.
[00:20:25]  They are truly enemies of the public good in every way.
[00:20:30]  They are enriching themselves and their friends at the expense of everybody else.
[00:20:35]  There was a way to do this.
[00:20:36]  There was a way to do masks and distancing and compromising and building more ICUs and building more beds and increasing hospital capabilities and maybe invoking the Defense Production Act, using companies that didn't traditionally make medical equipment and PPE to start doing it.
[00:20:51]  There were ways to do all of this.
[00:20:53]  There were ways to do it, and we didn't do it.
[00:20:55]  We failed at every level from Trump on down to Lori Lightfoot, who's leading Chicago.
[00:21:00]  Can you get up Lori Lightfoot when she dressed up on Halloween, Lori Lightfoot Halloween costume this year, please?
[00:21:08]  And she came in as like the defeater of Corona or something.
[00:21:13]  She came in.
[00:21:18]  Are these people, are these people insane?
[00:21:24]  This is your government.
[00:21:26]  These people are running major American cities.
[00:21:37]  But she had another costume.
[00:21:38]  It was like there was something even more.
[00:21:41]  Or the Rona Destroyer?
[00:21:43]  Yes, the Rona Destroyer.
[00:21:46]  This is Lori Lightfoot, the mayor of Chicago as the Rona.
[00:21:57]  I mean, the woman runs a city of Chicago.
[00:22:01]  Not like a little town.
[00:22:03]  She's running the city of Chicago.
[00:22:05]  Dressed in a cape that's just the Rona destroyer.
[00:22:10]  Go get up, Gavin Newsom.
[00:22:12]  Get up this loser.
[00:22:15]  Get a dinner party.
[00:22:17]  Get the image on that.
[00:22:18]  This is Gavin Newsom's dinner party that he was at at the French Laundry, which is a phenomenal restaurant.
[00:22:24]  This is it right here.
[00:22:25]  There it is, everybody.
[00:22:26]  An indoor dinner party, which has been covered at nauseum.
[00:22:30]  And I don't want to spend a lot of time on it, but I just want to say there he is at an indoor dinner party.
[00:22:35]  Resign.
[00:22:36]  Resign.
[00:22:37]  No, I'm not kidding.
[00:22:38]  Resign.
[00:22:39]  Who's the mayor of Austin and did the same thing?
[00:22:41]  Yeah, yeah, he flew to Cabo and I wasn't sure.
[00:22:43]  Resign.
[00:22:44]  Resign.
[00:22:45]  If you break your own lockdown rule that is impoverishing and destroying the lives of people in order to supposedly save them, you need to resign.
[00:22:54]  Look at this criminal.
[00:22:56]  Who is this?
[00:22:56]  The mayor of what?
[00:22:57]  Austin.
[00:22:58]  God.
[00:23:00]  Yep.
[00:23:02]  Steve Adler.
[00:23:04]  Yeah.
[00:23:05]  Resign.
[00:23:06]  Truly.
[00:23:07]  If you're going to do this, you have to resign.
[00:23:11]  I mean, I know they never will.
[00:23:13]  These people never relinquish power at all.
[00:23:16]  But you have to resign.
[00:23:18]  If you're staunchly pro-lockdown, that's your position, but you have to not go and do dinner parties at the French laundry and take planes to Cabo.
[00:23:27]  You can't do it.
[00:23:28]  You can't ask everybody.
[00:23:29]  You can't destroy people's lives and then go out and party.
[00:23:36]  How are the holiday?
[00:23:38]  How are the holiday shopping numbers?
[00:23:40]  How are the retail numbers?
[00:23:42]  Well, John.
[00:23:45]  Let's see.
[00:23:48]  That's the old thing we pulled up, too.
[00:23:50]  It says it's doing good.
[00:23:51]  I mean, the economy's doing great.
[00:23:54]  You know, the Dow hit 30,000.
[00:23:55]  No, I mean, I'm sure there's numbers.
[00:23:58]  At the end of this, we're going to find the numbers.
[00:24:00]  You know, after the holiday season is over, people are going to look back at the earnings, how it always is, and they're going to go, yeah, it was probably weak.
[00:24:09]  I mean, look at the unemployment.
[00:24:10]  What are the unemployment numbers right now, Ben?
[00:24:12]  I mean, it's like the craziest thing I've ever seen in my life.
[00:24:22]  Unemployment rate is people are filing claims every week, and it's really, really bad.
[00:24:34]  You know, I mean, it's really, really, really bad.
[00:24:37]  It's gone down, but it's going back up again.
[00:24:41]  You got to find out how many people try to find out how many people filed for unemployment last week.
[00:24:50]  If we had Jamie Vernon, we'd have it up.
[00:24:51]  This will take another hour.
[00:24:52]  I hope nobody has anything to do.
[00:24:55]  I hope nobody has anything to do.
[00:24:56]  It's just another two or three hours here before we get it in.
[00:24:59]  Thank you, Ben.
[00:25:00]  751,000 people filed for jobless claims last week.
[00:25:06]  You know what the week before that was?
[00:25:08]  758,000.
[00:25:10]  And two of those motherfuckers should be Gavin Newsom and that guy in Austin.
[00:25:14]  Truly, I mean, this is fucking, it's crazy.
[00:25:21]  Outdoor dining in LA should not be closed down.
[00:25:23]  It accounts for such a small percentage of transmission.
[00:25:27]  Outdoor dining in the sun in LA should not be shut down.
[00:25:32]  Indoor dining, I don't know enough about it, but I know that when we're in New York and we're eating in fucking these weird vestibules, they've built these like stables on the street, these stalls that look like a horse would go in, but we're eating in it and we're eating in 35-degree weather.
[00:25:46]  But it's again, it's a building.
[00:25:48]  You have insulation to a degree.
[00:25:50]  It's not insulated and warm, but you're saying to yourself, I'm in a fucking building.
[00:25:54]  It's a mindfuck.
[00:25:55]  Like I'm in a building on the street instead of in a building.
[00:25:59]  So I don't get it.
[00:26:00]  Why not invest in better air filtration systems?
[00:26:02]  We could have done all of this.
[00:26:04]  Yeah.
[00:26:05]  We could have done all of this, but we didn't do anything.
[00:26:08]  And Trump has been no fucking help.
[00:26:10]  He's out.
[00:26:10]  I mean, he's over it, you know.
[00:26:12]  And it's just frustrating.
[00:26:14]  It's frustrating because it's going to be a very, it's going to be a tough holiday season for a lot of people.
[00:26:20]  My father is in the wine business and it's doing very well because a lot of people are drinking, but a lot of his friends are in the restaurant business and they're suffering and they're all scared about another shutdown.
[00:26:30]  They're like, if there's another shutdown, we're all fucked.
[00:26:33]  I don't think a lot of people can handle another shutdown, especially in that industry.
[00:26:37]  You know?
[00:26:39]  So it's going to be difficult.
[00:26:42]  My stepmother now works from home permanently.
[00:26:44]  Lucky him.
[00:26:46]  Lucky my dad.
[00:26:47]  But it's, you know, listen, it's a tough season.
[00:26:55]  So we've got to find a way to do it.
[00:26:57]  Have you found a way for us to do charity?
[00:26:59]  I mean, no, you're smiling.
[00:27:01]  I have, I have.
[00:27:01]  You're smiling, but it's, I ask you to do it a lot.
[00:27:03]  Yeah.
[00:27:04]  I research the best thing we can do is find a church that we like.
[00:27:08]  And Church of Satan.
[00:27:13]  The best thing we can do is directly go to the people, like you said.
[00:27:16]  So we need to find a church that we like and go door-to-door, give people, you know, there's canned food, there's rent relief, things like that.
[00:27:24]  I'm trying not to throw out a general thing, but that's what we should do.
[00:27:27]  So we don't have to give to one of these big companies that let me ask you a few questions.
[00:27:32]  We go to a church and they give us people's addresses.
[00:27:36]  We show them at the house.
[00:27:38]  Well, you go with a well, you're supposed to go with a group of people, but now I'm what do you mean we good?
[00:27:43]  We got COVID out there and we don't have any friends.
[00:27:46]  What are you doing to a group of people?
[00:27:47]  You want me to go with Lil Zan?
[00:27:49]  What are we doing here?
[00:27:49]  You want me and Candace Owens to knock on doors?
[00:27:52]  What group?
[00:27:53]  You go door to door, you ask people for canned food.
[00:27:56]  If they have any canned food that they don't need, you take that and then you give it to people that need it.
[00:28:00]  Like wait a minute.
[00:28:01]  Wait a minute.
[00:28:02]  This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my fucking life.
[00:28:07]  Where did you read this?
[00:28:08]  You go to someone's house and you ask them for canned food.
[00:28:11]  We said to give it to someone else?
[00:28:13]  We did this in Texas.
[00:28:14]  Why didn't you just buy the canned food?
[00:28:15]  It's 10 cents.
[00:28:16]  Or you can go buy canned food too, totally.
[00:28:18]  Yeah, it seems crazy to go knock on someone's door and go, do you have any corn you're not using?
[00:28:22]  I want to redistribute it.
[00:28:24]  At small towns of Texas, it's not that insane because it's like everybody knows everybody.
[00:28:28]  You know, you knock, you go, hey, Donna, you got any, you know, any green beans or something?
[00:28:33]  Okay.
[00:28:34]  I'll give you the benefit of the doubt there.
[00:28:36]  I don't know where the hell I'm going to do.
[00:28:38]  When are we going to walk around Beverly Hills?
[00:28:40]  Hi.
[00:28:42]  Hey.
[00:28:43]  First of all, beautiful home.
[00:28:45]  This is stunning.
[00:28:46]  Did you just buy?
[00:28:48]  I've been here two years.
[00:28:49]  What a two years it's been.
[00:28:50]  I know.
[00:28:52]  Anyway, so me and my producer are, thank you.
[00:28:57]  Well, it is familiar because I'm on podcasts a lot.
[00:29:00]  Well, Rogan, I'm a regular on that.
[00:29:02]  My own show is kind of big.
[00:29:04]  Right.
[00:29:04]  Thank you.
[00:29:05]  Lights out with David Spade.
[00:29:07]  No.
[00:29:07]  You saw that?
[00:29:09]  You saw Lights Out with David Spade.
[00:29:11]  Well, yeah.
[00:29:11]  Well, thank you.
[00:29:12]  I think I was one of the funnier ones.
[00:29:13]  Many of the people that went in there, they're on drugs.
[00:29:16]  Let's be honest.
[00:29:17]  And they don't work.
[00:29:18]  But I really appreciate that you said all those kind things.
[00:29:21]  Me and my producer, I guess who you know, right?
[00:29:23]  You're a fan, are trying to do a like a charity where if you have any extra.
[00:29:32]  I haven't eaten.
[00:29:33]  I have not eaten at all, actually.
[00:29:35]  I'm Craigs?
[00:29:37]  You ordered Craigs?
[00:29:38]  That's amazing.
[00:29:40]  It's too much for you for one person.
[00:29:42]  Hey, I mean, pinch my, you know, come on.
[00:29:45]  I'll eat some Craigs if you ordered Craigs.
[00:29:47]  That's, that's phenomenal.
[00:29:49]  Okay.
[00:29:50]  And you've got some of the pints of the vegan peanut butter chip ice cream?
[00:29:53]  I'd love to see the backyard.
[00:29:55]  I would absolutely love to see the backyard.
[00:29:59]  Oh, well, me and my producer were just doing, we're doing like a charity.
[00:30:05]  She did get fat.
[00:30:06]  She got very fat.
[00:30:08]  And I think that's why she's not working.
[00:30:10]  She's very fat, and it's why she's not working right now.
[00:30:13]  And it's sad because I think it's booze fat.
[00:30:16]  It's that flabby booze fat.
[00:30:19]  It's not, you know, you don't look at her and go, oh, she's full of a Christmas roast.
[00:30:23]  You go, she's full of cheap fuel, if you know what I mean, like gasoline, that type of thing.
[00:30:29]  Yeah, but I mean, I've met her a few times, but that's a cunt.
[00:30:32]  Oh, I don't care.
[00:30:33]  Fuck her.
[00:30:34]  Fuck her and a husband.
[00:30:35]  I don't give a shit about any of it.
[00:30:37]  Yeah.
[00:30:37]  Well, no, me and my producer were trying to collect food for needy people.
[00:30:45]  I, oh my God, I know.

=== Booze Fat and University Life (03:44) ===

[00:30:47]  It was crazy.
[00:30:48]  Did they come down the street?
[00:30:50]  Did they come down the street chanting?
[00:30:53]  Oh, my God, eat the rich on this street.
[00:30:55]  I mean, it's disgusting.
[00:30:57]  Of course, it's the universities.
[00:30:59]  It's absolutely the universities.
[00:31:01]  Absolutely.
[00:31:02]  I would love one.
[00:31:03]  And Evian is fine.
[00:31:04]  Thank you.
[00:31:05]  It's the universities.
[00:31:06]  And I've said it before.
[00:31:07]  There's a lot of problems in the schools.
[00:31:10]  And we've kind of let them get insane.
[00:31:12]  And oh, I love dogs.
[00:31:13]  I love them.
[00:31:14]  I love them.
[00:31:15]  Yeah.
[00:31:16]  A shih tzu.
[00:31:17]  They're fun.
[00:31:17]  It's a very Beverly Hills dog, isn't it?
[00:31:19]  You know, it just kind of just sits on a couch.
[00:31:22]  I love, is this ovo leather?
[00:31:24]  It's very soft.
[00:31:26]  Yes, it's very, very soft.
[00:31:28]  Oh, the guy's here.
[00:31:29]  He's here.
[00:31:29]  Ben, get the Craigs.
[00:31:31]  Ben'll do, he'll get it.
[00:31:32]  He doesn't mind.
[00:31:32]  No, he doesn't mind.
[00:31:33]  Oh, you, you have one.
[00:31:35]  Okay.
[00:31:35]  Get, okay.
[00:31:36]  Thank you.
[00:31:37]  Thank you, Naja Bomban.
[00:31:40]  Yes.
[00:31:42]  Well, it's, I mean, listen, it's so great to meet you, and this has been so enjoyable.
[00:31:47]  Absolutely.
[00:31:49]  Oh, we were just trying to figure out like a charity or something.
[00:31:55]  Oh, that's very interesting.
[00:31:57]  So, you actually have a charity.
[00:31:59]  Interesting.
[00:32:01]  So, what are you trying to do?
[00:32:03]  Okay, so you're trying to like interesting fashion for women in Afghanistan.
[00:32:10]  So smart.
[00:32:11]  So smart.
[00:32:13]  And you own, so you own some textile mills.
[00:32:16]  Okay.
[00:32:16]  And you're just trying to kind of, because if people look good and feel good, of course.
[00:32:21]  Well, listen, are you doing a dinner for it?
[00:32:23]  Okay.
[00:32:24]  Here's the deal.
[00:32:25]  Take my information.
[00:32:27]  Let me know if you ever want to do it.
[00:32:30]  You know, I'll come.
[00:32:31]  We'll do a dinner.
[00:32:32]  I love, if you ever need a comedian to kind of lighten things up when you have one of these dinners, let's try to build more textile factories so we can churn out some kind of fashion-forward clothing for those women in Afghanistan without clits.
[00:32:48]  That sounds great.
[00:32:49]  Well, it's good to meet you.
[00:32:51]  You can't go wrong with Craig's.
[00:32:54]  I mean, what am I going to do?
[00:32:55]  That's door-to-door in this town.
[00:32:59]  What do you mean, door-to-door?
[00:33:01]  Ben Avery's door-to-door.
[00:33:39]  Ja, det er i hvert fall i utgangspunktet enkelt med frukt og grønt i hverdagen.
[00:33:45]  Med frisk og billig hos Remathusen får du nemlig alltid lave priser på frukt og grønnsaker.
[00:33:49]  Blant annet halvannen kilo poteter får bare 19,90 og 200 gram brokkolini får bare 19,90.
[00:33:54]  Det er slutt som en på kassalappen som teller.
[00:33:56]  Hos Remathusen.
[00:33:57]  Holdt i lave priser.
[00:34:03]  Vi avbryter denne sendingen.
[00:34:05]  Nei, vent, det ble fel.
[00:34:07]  Sending er jo faktisk hele greia vår.
[00:34:09]  Pro-frakt sørger for at bedrifter får tilgang til Norges ledende fraktavtaler.
[00:34:14]  Så teknisk sett avbryter vi jo ikke sendingen.
[00:34:16]  Vi muliggjør sendingen.
[00:34:18]  Uansett, tilbake til sendingen.
[00:34:24]  Og husk pro-frakt da.

=== Imagining a Rolls-Royce Gift (08:29) ===

[00:34:32]  I really don't trust the Red Cross, and I really don't trust a lot of different organizations because I know how they're run and they're not run well.
[00:34:40]  And it's unfortunate.
[00:34:42]  What is my Christmas present?
[00:34:45]  Do you want to know your Christmas present?
[00:34:46]  Me and Katie talked about it today.
[00:34:48]  Oh, stop this.
[00:34:49]  Let me tell you right now.
[00:34:50]  Let me tell you how that let me want to see how that conversation went.
[00:34:54]  Let's imagine him and his wife discussing my Christmas.
[00:34:57]  No, let's imagine that, ready?
[00:34:58]  Let's imagine that.
[00:34:59]  Let's have a little fun.
[00:35:01]  Let's have a little fun imagine.
[00:35:04]  I guess we have to get Tim a Christmas present.
[00:35:08]  Ben, he's a fat ogre and he abuses you.
[00:35:10]  You don't need to get him anything.
[00:35:12]  You should cut his throat while he sleeps.
[00:35:14]  Katie, I will do that.
[00:35:17]  But before I have, you know, another opportunity, we should probably get him like something he'll like, like a big bowl of pancake batter that he can just cook and eat.
[00:35:31]  Because it's he's a pig, Ben.
[00:35:34]  Can we give him something and poison him?
[00:35:36]  He's destroyed your lives.
[00:35:38]  He's destroyed our lives.
[00:35:40]  You're supposed to be the biggest arena comedian in America, and now you're working for this fat near doal.
[00:35:46]  I hate him.
[00:35:46]  He's disgusting.
[00:35:50]  So you discuss the present.
[00:35:53]  By the way, that is the exact word for word conversation that happens in that home.
[00:36:01]  That's the exact word.
[00:36:03]  That's why he's laughing.
[00:36:04]  It's word for word what happens in that home.
[00:36:09]  He does nothing but take advantage of you and a bear job.
[00:36:13]  He's the worst.
[00:36:17]  So what Christmas present have you and the missus cooked up for me?
[00:36:23]  I'm such a lucky boy.
[00:36:25]  Well, I'm such a lucky man.
[00:36:28]  I know you so much better.
[00:36:29]  She was like, what if I got like a framed photo of like all the studios you guys have been in over the years, like from the porch to the, and I was like, no, he'll hate that.
[00:36:37]  She's like, well, what does he like?
[00:36:38]  I'm like, well, he likes Rolls-Royce's.
[00:36:40]  Yeah.
[00:36:40]  So she was like, I like more than that.
[00:36:42]  Now you're cheapening me.
[00:36:44]  You're making me into a cartoon and a character.
[00:36:46]  But you love Rolls-Royce's.
[00:36:47]  Who does that?
[00:36:48]  It's not a knock on you.
[00:36:50]  No, I'm not.
[00:36:50]  I don't think it is.
[00:36:52]  So we were either going to get you.
[00:36:53]  I also like people that don't plot to kill me.
[00:36:57]  People that don't plot to poison me.
[00:36:59]  For Christmas, you want the CIA to not kill you.
[00:37:01]  Yeah.
[00:37:02]  Well, CIA, you and her, whoever.
[00:37:06]  So like a collectible, the Rolls-Royce Continental, like a, because I can't get you an actual.
[00:37:12]  So you're going to get me a little car.
[00:37:14]  Yeah, yeah, but you love looking at the Rolls-Royces.
[00:37:17]  I love them.
[00:37:17]  You look at pictures of Heim.
[00:37:19]  Yeah.
[00:37:19]  So like an actual...
[00:37:21]  Well, that's sweet.
[00:37:22]  Yeah.
[00:37:22]  Or an ornament, a Rolls-Royce ornament, Katie mentioned, which was funny because of the ornament that the Greyhound ornament.
[00:37:30]  It's just funny that she even mentioned that.
[00:37:32]  What about a Rolls-Royce ornament?
[00:37:33]  Well, I think if you and her got all of your money together and got some loans, you could probably get me an old Rolls-Royce.
[00:37:40]  How much are old Rolls-Royce?
[00:37:41]  Look it up right now.
[00:37:44]  Look it up right now.
[00:37:46]  I think you could go really old.
[00:37:50]  Let's look at the Rolls-Royce Pasadena here.
[00:37:52]  Pre-owned.
[00:37:53]  Yeah, let's see.
[00:37:54]  Well, wait, $123,000.
[00:37:57]  Is that it?
[00:37:58]  Yeah.
[00:37:58]  I mean, Ben.
[00:38:01]  Let's be honest.
[00:38:02]  You're going to get me an ornament?
[00:38:05]  Why don't you do the real thing?
[00:38:07]  Go back up.
[00:38:08]  What year is that?
[00:38:09]  What year is that?
[00:38:10]  $126,000?
[00:38:11]  The Ghost, 2011?
[00:38:14]  18,000 miles.
[00:38:15]  That's it.
[00:38:16]  I mean, I got to be honest with you.
[00:38:17]  Why didn't I buy that?
[00:38:18]  Why did I get this dumb Range Rover?
[00:38:20]  The fuck's wrong with me?
[00:38:21]  That is pretty sick.
[00:38:22]  Dude, let me look at that again.
[00:38:26]  Yeah, that's nice.
[00:38:28]  I mean, dude, what the fuck?
[00:38:31]  Dude, 2013 ghosts.
[00:38:32]  Gotta see that?
[00:38:33]  Yeah, yeah.
[00:38:34]  Dude, what if I sell the range and get the ghost?
[00:38:37]  All right, this isn't good broadcasting.
[00:38:40]  I'm not getting a Rolls-Royce ghost, but I think you and your wife should for me.
[00:38:44]  We'll get you one one day.
[00:38:47]  A lot of talk.
[00:38:48]  You know what your Christmas present is?
[00:38:51]  Is it what your Spanish teacher used to say?
[00:38:55]  She used to say, Mr. Dylan, you've got the Robin's egg again.
[00:38:58]  You get zero.
[00:39:00]  No, here's your Christmas present.
[00:39:07]  You know what it is?
[00:39:08]  It's a job.
[00:39:11]  We wish you a Merry Christmas.
[00:39:20]  You continue to have a job.
[00:39:24]  That's right.
[00:39:26]  Cratchit, you still have a job.
[00:39:30]  We literally had a Thanksgiving where it was Cratchit where he wanted Thanksgiving morning, I needed him to move furniture out of Whitney Cummings house and he couldn't because him and his wife were doing some God only knows Thanksgiving brunch.
[00:39:41]  And I, and I, so, you know, so I was, I, of course, I'm like work, grind, help the, you know, get the movers, give them money, give everyone, hit everybody off, give everyone, and, you know, him is very deeply selfish.
[00:39:53]  So he had that cratchet moment where he goes, I don't need to work and I'll just kind of loaf around.
[00:39:59]  And then I'm like, you should just come to the job.
[00:40:01]  And he goes, bye, I'll start going to therapy.
[00:40:03]  And I'm like, oh, that's not it.
[00:40:05]  That's his generation.
[00:40:06]  Dan does that shit too.
[00:40:08]  They're weak.
[00:40:09]  And they go, well, I'll just go to therapy.
[00:40:10]  It's like, no, you could just do the job that you should be doing.
[00:40:13]  But hey, I appreciate the little car, the tiny little, the matchbox car that you and your wife are going to get me.
[00:40:20]  Well, we haven't found it yet.
[00:40:21]  Well, but hey, this is why I love Christmas.
[00:40:26]  This is why I love Christmas.
[00:40:29]  Because I have shared with Ben my mind, my comedy, my career, my life, my, you know, all of my friends, all of my connections.
[00:40:41]  I've taken him all over the country.
[00:40:43]  He's met some fascinating people and he has seen some of the most interesting and exciting things that have gone down in media and comedy over the last two years.
[00:40:56]  And I'm very excited about my matchbooks, my matchbook, Rolls-Royce, that you and your wife are going to give me a little matchbook car.
[00:41:03]  Isn't it?
[00:41:04]  Isn't it sweet?
[00:41:06]  Well, it'll be bigger than that.
[00:41:07]  I want to find like one that's like that big.
[00:41:09]  I think it's...
[00:41:10]  Hey, I love it.
[00:41:12]  I think it's sweet.
[00:41:13]  And that's what I love about Christmas.
[00:41:15]  That's what I love about Christmas is that we can give each other the gifts.
[00:41:20]  Yes.
[00:41:20]  You know, that's why you laughing.
[00:41:25]  It's just funny.
[00:41:26]  But it is funny.
[00:41:27]  It is funny.
[00:41:28]  Yeah, yeah.
[00:41:28]  It is, because what are you going to get me?
[00:41:30]  It's hard to get me things, right?
[00:41:32]  It's very hard to get you things.
[00:41:33]  It's very hard to get me something.
[00:41:34]  So why not a matchbook car?
[00:41:37]  Like a toy for child, right?
[00:41:40]  Like a child's toy.
[00:41:42]  No, like, I thought you put it maybe.
[00:41:44]  Just get him out.
[00:41:45]  Let him browse rise, that fat fuck.
[00:41:47]  Hopefully he'll think it's food.
[00:41:49]  He'll choke on it and die.
[00:41:51]  I hate him, Ben.
[00:41:52]  I hope he dies.
[00:41:56]  Well, I'm eagerly anticipating my matchbook car from my best friend and business partner who will be giving me, him and his wife put, they put thought into it and decided that they wanted to get me a little model car.
[00:42:12]  And maybe I'll get them a model train set.
[00:42:18]  Fun.
[00:42:19]  Andrew Schultz has released a four-part comedy special called Schultz Saves America on Netflix.
[00:42:27]  He is incredibly funny.
[00:42:29]  He's also very savvy and very smart.
[00:42:31]  He understands this business better than many, many people.
[00:42:35]  And this episode is really good because not only I think will it entertain people that aren't in this business, but if you're a young person or whatever age you are, if you're a creator, if you're in a business where you have to be forward thinking and you got to evolve, this is a very interesting conversation about how to evolve, how to utilize things like social media and YouTube to build kind of enough,

=== The Last Show of the Year (09:27) ===

[00:43:01]  you know, traction, equity, whatever, so you can go out there and get larger companies to fuck with you.
[00:43:06]  It's an interesting conversation.
[00:43:09]  Andrew knows more about it than pretty much anyone else, you know?
[00:43:13]  So he's been able to do some really amazing shit.
[00:43:16]  And we talk about it for an hour.
[00:43:17]  Then we also go into other stuff too.
[00:43:20]  So as always, we thank you for the, well, we have another, we have another episode before the end of the year.
[00:43:25]  No, That's it?
[00:43:28]  So the 26th and 27th, 28th.
[00:43:30]  No, no, no.
[00:43:31]  I think our next episode, it drops on the second or third.
[00:43:34]  This is the last one of the year.
[00:43:36]  Yeah.
[00:43:36]  I want to end with a thought.
[00:43:39]  I was having this thought because I am hopeful about things.
[00:43:46]  How great would it be if New Year's Eve, coming up in about a week, right?
[00:43:54]  Clock strikes 12.
[00:43:57]  Every country decides to nuke us at the same time.
[00:44:03]  I mean every single one.
[00:44:05]  How great would that be?
[00:44:09]  For old acquaintances and just every, I mean little countries just firing off whatever they got.
[00:44:18]  Just nukes us at the same time on New Year's Eve.
[00:44:21]  That'd be great.
[00:44:26]  Just an idea.
[00:44:28]  Just a thought.
[00:44:33]  I mean, it's such a crazy year to really think about where this show is, what this show has become.
[00:44:41]  What was the first episode of last year?
[00:44:43]  Can you find it, please?
[00:44:44]  One second.
[00:44:45]  Thank you.
[00:44:47]  This is crazy to think where the show has grown and how much the show has grown in a year.
[00:44:52]  And the most insane year that I've ever been a part of in my life.
[00:44:59]  I want to know what the first episode was last year.
[00:45:04]  So our last one of the year was Salvolcano.
[00:45:06]  So then it was, let me see, not there.
[00:45:12]  It was the History Annivers was the last one.
[00:45:14]  And then Low Cost, High Quality, the one we did in the car.
[00:45:18]  And that was the first episode of last year.
[00:45:22]  Low cost, high quality.
[00:45:24]  Yeah, January 4th.
[00:45:28]  This has been a year to really remember for many reasons, but this show has grown so dramatically in a year, right?
[00:45:39]  Yeah.
[00:45:40]  I mean, it's crazy.
[00:45:41]  Insane.
[00:45:43]  We appreciate everybody that watches this show, that listens to it, that tells their friends and family about it.
[00:45:48]  This has been a crazy journey for us.
[00:45:50]  We had no idea we'd be able to do the things we are now doing.
[00:45:53]  You know, we're going all around the country.
[00:45:55]  The shows are all sold out.
[00:45:57]  We've been on the Joe Rogan experience.
[00:45:58]  You know, I've been on it now seven times, once with an election live stream and once with one of the most epic podcasts ever recorded sitting next to Alex Jones.
[00:46:06]  It was one of the coolest things ever.
[00:46:08]  Me and Ben used to sit in a garage in California and watch people like Rogan and watch Alex and watch all these people and wonder how we could catapult ourselves into that reality.
[00:46:19]  Truly.
[00:46:20]  You know what I mean?
[00:46:21]  And it's kind of amazing to see that we've been able to do that.
[00:46:27]  You know, we've been able to do that.
[00:46:28]  We've been able to kind of claim some turf and from there be really funny about a lot of fucked up shit that's been happening, a lot of dark stuff that's been happening.
[00:46:41]  And we've been as funny about it as we can be.
[00:46:43]  And we've been doing that for years.
[00:46:44]  But this year, it really, it really kind of caught on, you know?
[00:46:48]  And, you know, we first met in 2016.
[00:46:55]  Yes.
[00:46:56]  Yes.
[00:46:56]  Yeah.
[00:46:57]  And we sat in that garage for a few years and just made shit and talked and smoked cigarettes and which I love.
[00:47:12]  But it's truly amazing to be here, be in a new studio, you know?
[00:47:19]  And it's the most insane professional journey I've ever been on in my life.
[00:47:25]  I've done specials.
[00:47:26]  I've sold pilots.
[00:47:28]  I've shot pilots.
[00:47:29]  I've had big people produce things that never went anywhere.
[00:47:31]  I've done, you know, I've toured.
[00:47:33]  I've done all this shit.
[00:47:34]  But building this show has been the most insane professional journey of my life.
[00:47:39]  And I'm sure for you, it's in the top five.
[00:47:43]  You know, I would hope.
[00:47:47]  But I mean, do you want to say anything somewhat sincere about the show now?
[00:47:57]  Do you want to get a matchbook car for all the listeners?
[00:48:00]  Like Oprah, where they look under the seat?
[00:48:02]  Yeah.
[00:48:03]  Get them a car.
[00:48:05]  Would you like to get a toy car for everyone?
[00:48:10]  So I can say something sincere?
[00:48:12]  Yes.
[00:48:15]  Here's what I'll say.
[00:48:16]  Here's what I'll say about the direction we're moving in.
[00:48:22]  We're very excited.
[00:48:23]  No, do it.
[00:48:24]  Do it.
[00:48:24]  Do it.
[00:48:25]  You're going to say something sincere.
[00:48:26]  No, you'll just make fun of me.
[00:48:27]  I'm not going to make fun of you.
[00:48:29]  Okay.
[00:48:30]  I'm not going to make fun of you.
[00:48:32]  This has been the coolest thing ever.
[00:48:35]  It's so surreal to go from the garage making sketches on the iPhone because we didn't have a camera.
[00:48:41]  We didn't have a computer.
[00:48:41]  We didn't have any of this stuff.
[00:48:43]  And we still did it.
[00:48:44]  It's been cool to watch you get successful and famous.
[00:48:47]  It's been really exciting for me.
[00:48:49]  And I love you a lot.
[00:48:55]  That's what I wanted to say.
[00:48:56]  You wanted me to be real.
[00:48:58]  And I thank you for everything.
[00:49:00]  Well, I thank you.
[00:49:02]  I know people think you hate me or something, but they don't get that.
[00:49:06]  It's a joke and stuff.
[00:49:07]  But it's been really cool to know you.
[00:49:09]  Well, listen.
[00:49:12]  I just want to say that instead of saying all that, you could just show it to me by getting me a small model of a Rolls-Royce that I could play with on this desk.
[00:49:25]  No, I love you.
[00:49:26]  You're my only family on earth.
[00:49:28]  Literally, it's you, Jake Paul, and Candace Owens.
[00:49:32]  No, as your stepmother pointed out, she was like, so you guys only have each other.
[00:49:35]  That's so sad.
[00:49:36]  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
[00:49:37]  You guys are losers.
[00:49:38]  You don't have any other friends?
[00:49:39]  Yeah, well, that's, yeah.
[00:49:40]  Well, you know.
[00:49:43]  Okay, but she also looks like Danny Aiello.
[00:49:47]  So, hey.
[00:49:50]  So happy new year, everybody.
[00:49:52]  I'm not, by the way, I can't even imagine anyone from my family still talks to me, but I just don't lie.
[00:49:58]  So many comics out there just, they make shit up and they lie.
[00:50:01]  I just talk about the shit that I got to talk about that is real to me.
[00:50:06]  The fact that this show resonates with people, I guess I should look at the fuck.
[00:50:09]  There's all these rules.
[00:50:09]  I got to look at the camera.
[00:50:12]  The fact that this show resonates with people, the fact that you guys fucking watch it and you send me photos of the fact you guys went and saw me and Dan out there when we were out there performing live and the fact that like, you know, you've allowed this show to grow to what it is and hopefully it grows even more is huge.
[00:50:30]  It is something that we really enjoy doing.
[00:50:33]  And, you know, we are grateful for it.
[00:50:36]  I'm grateful for it, you know, and I think that I don't say that enough, you know, because I'm trying to be funny, which is, you know, that's the job of me.
[00:50:46]  But we are definitely grateful for the fact that you guys have been as aggressive in supporting this show.
[00:50:54]  Not only the patrons, which we appreciate the fuck out of, but everybody who watches on YouTube, everybody who shares it, this, that, and the other thing.
[00:51:02]  And, you know, the show is not going to be like a touchy-feely sentimental show now.
[00:51:07]  But we just wanted for the end of the year, you know, I mean, this guy loves me so much.
[00:51:11]  He's got me a toy car.
[00:51:13]  You see what I mean?
[00:51:15]  So I just want to let you know that I appreciate you as much as he appreciates me.
[00:51:20]  And if you guys were here, I would too give you a toy car of a car you can't afford so that you could play with it like a child.
[00:51:31]  Or, as my stepmother said, I would bring you into my home and, you know, dress you down.
[00:51:40]  I dress, I would dress you down.
[00:51:44]  But for all of us here at the Tim Dylan show, which is just literally all of us, it's just.
[00:51:49]  It's Ben and me.
[00:51:51]  That's all.
[00:51:51]  That's the only team that really matters.
[00:51:53]  There's other people on the team and they're whatever.
[00:51:56]  You know, we got agents and managers and people that we like and they're doing good jobs.
[00:52:01]  But the reality is me and Ben are the team.
[00:52:04]  And we've taken this thing as, you know, we'll continue to take it as far as we can take it and you guys allow us to take it, you know?
[00:52:15]  Because I think that if we really got smart here, we could turn this audience into a violent militia.

=== Building a Violent Militia Audience (16:48) ===

[00:52:28]  No, I'm kidding.
[00:52:30]  Get out of here.
[00:52:32]  Bravo's Below Deck is a show where severely damaged people clean boats and tend to millionaires.
[00:52:36]  It's very entertaining.
[00:52:37]  This season, the chef on board started yelling, eat my cuder at the production crew and then quit.
[00:52:42]  If you want to hear three cis white males break down the show, then listen to another Below Deck podcast hosted by Dylan, Pat, and Nick Davis, the producer of this past weekend, and The King and the Sting with The Yovan.
[00:52:53]  If you like The Bachelor, they've got another Bachelor podcast.
[00:52:56]  Nick Dylan and Pat just got done with the most recent season that was filmed this summer, Quarantine at La Quinta Resort in Palm Springs.
[00:53:03]  It's not that nice.
[00:53:05]  It featured a bulimic army vet who tried to take his own life.
[00:53:08]  No hate on the resort.
[00:53:09]  I've just been nicer places there.
[00:53:10]  I have my private home.
[00:53:12]  It featured a bulimic army vet who tried to take his own life twice in 2019, a former drug addict who was caught trying to steal his father's checks and an engineer whose brother is a jailbird with tear tattoos on his face.
[00:53:25]  None of this is made up in any way.
[00:53:27]  The next season of The Bachelor featuring the first black male lead in the show's history starts next week and promises to feature and take advantage of equally as damaged people as contestants.
[00:53:37]  Okay.
[00:53:38]  So go to another below deck podcast and another bachelor podcast on Apple Podcast and leave a five-star review that says Tim Dylan sent you.
[00:53:47]  Okay.
[00:53:47]  That's another Below Deck podcast and another Bachelor podcast and leave a five-star review that said Tim Dylan sent you.
[00:53:55]  Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dylan show.
[00:53:57]  Andrew Schultz is with us.
[00:53:59]  Schultz Saves America, trending right now on Netflix, six-part comedy series.
[00:54:06]  Four-part, four-star.
[00:54:07]  Four-part.
[00:54:10]  It's on Hulu right now.
[00:54:13]  It is a six-part documentary about Andrew's parents, and it is on Amazon Prime.
[00:54:20]  Dance Studio.
[00:54:20]  Right.
[00:54:21]  Dance studio.
[00:54:22]  The Dance Studio.
[00:54:23]  Ballroom dancing.
[00:54:24]  Ballroom dance.
[00:54:25]  Save America.
[00:54:26]  No, it's four-part.
[00:54:27]  They're calling it a comedy special.
[00:54:29]  Yeah.
[00:54:29]  Because it's funny.
[00:54:30]  Yeah.
[00:54:31]  And it's kind of like your year in review.
[00:54:33]  Yes, exactly.
[00:54:34]  Yeah.
[00:54:35]  Yeah.
[00:54:35]  And you were doing these things on Instagram.
[00:54:37]  Yeah.
[00:54:37]  And you were doing the turn your phone.
[00:54:39]  Everybody fucking loved them.
[00:54:40]  The rock was watching.
[00:54:41]  Like everybody was watching.
[00:54:42]  You watch me real cool about that.
[00:54:43]  And then you got the opportunity to take it to Netflix.
[00:54:47]  How was it going from Instagram where you could do whatever you want, say whatever you want to Netflix?
[00:54:51]  Because that's, I think, a big question in people's heads.
[00:54:53]  Like, you're the independent guy.
[00:54:55]  You do and say what you want.
[00:54:56]  But you get away with a lot of shit too on the Netflix.
[00:54:59]  They were great.
[00:55:00]  Okay.
[00:55:01]  They were great.
[00:55:01]  Yeah.
[00:55:02]  Legally, it's tricky.
[00:55:04]  Right.
[00:55:04]  There's certain things you just can't say legally.
[00:55:07]  Right.
[00:55:07]  Or images was the biggest pain in the ass.
[00:55:09]  Because when we were doing YouTube shit, you just grab any fucking image off the internet.
[00:55:13]  Right.
[00:55:13]  Now you got to pay for images.
[00:55:15]  Everything costs money.
[00:55:16]  We probably spent, I don't even know if I should say, probably between $50,000 and $100,000 on images.
[00:55:22]  Yeah.
[00:55:22]  Images.
[00:55:23]  We did that show Tournament of Laughs on TBS.
[00:55:25]  We had a sketch about Jeffrey Epstein's Island, and they go, We can't afford Epstein's Island.
[00:55:30]  Can we do another island?
[00:55:32]  I'm like, no.
[00:55:33]  The picture of the picture of Epstein's Island.
[00:55:36]  They're like, we need another island.
[00:55:38]  Can we make it work with another island?
[00:55:39]  I'm like, no.
[00:55:40]  Use Kona.
[00:55:41]  Yeah.
[00:55:41]  Right, right.
[00:55:42]  Force them.
[00:55:43]  Yeah.
[00:55:43]  Yeah.
[00:55:44]  I don't know.
[00:55:45]  But so, so it and legally, it's what you can say about people.
[00:55:49]  Yeah.
[00:55:49]  So like there was like weird things that they pushed back.
[00:55:51]  Like, I have like crazy jokes in it.
[00:55:53]  It's just absurd.
[00:55:54]  Right.
[00:55:54]  And then like there was one joke that was an aside.
[00:55:56]  It wasn't even like a real joke.
[00:55:57]  Right.
[00:55:58]  It was like, we're talking about corona, and I think the line was like, I think it was like Trump with no experiences in violation, experience it with viruses outside of the ones he got from Stormy.
[00:56:07]  This is not even a joke.
[00:56:09]  Right.
[00:56:09]  Like, you know, myself.
[00:56:11]  It's just a little jab.
[00:56:11]  It's like, set it up.
[00:56:13]  Right.
[00:56:13]  Yeah.
[00:56:13]  They're like, you can't say that.
[00:56:14]  And I go, what do you mean?
[00:56:15]  Have you listened to the rest?
[00:56:17]  Right.
[00:56:17]  Like, within the first 10 seconds, there's a joke about like female genital mutilation.
[00:56:23]  Yeah, I saw that.
[00:56:23]  So it's just like, why is this?
[00:56:25]  And then the lawyer goes, I basically say that.
[00:56:28]  I'm like getting a little upset on the phone.
[00:56:29]  I'm like, what's going on?
[00:56:31]  And I go, I go, why can't we say it?
[00:56:33]  Well, there's no proof that she's had STDs.
[00:56:35]  And I go, well, she's a whore.
[00:56:37]  For a living, she's a whore.
[00:56:39]  Yeah, it's a job required.
[00:56:42]  And then he goes, that's why.
[00:56:44]  I go, what?
[00:56:45]  He goes, you could hurt her ability to do her job.
[00:56:49]  Oh, wow.
[00:56:50]  So it's not just saying somebody's ugly or whatever.
[00:56:53]  That's fine.
[00:56:53]  That's okay.
[00:56:54]  But her job is to fuck for money.
[00:56:56]  And if you say she's got an SCD, she might not be able to fuck for money.
[00:57:00]  Even though it's an illegal job, technically.
[00:57:02]  Yeah, is it legal or not?
[00:57:03]  I don't think it's legal, right?
[00:57:05]  I think you could be a whore some places.
[00:57:07]  I think in like Vegas, not Vegas, outside of Vegas, like where the bunny ranch is.
[00:57:10]  Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.
[00:57:11]  Okay, wow.
[00:57:12]  That's funny.
[00:57:13]  So that was like, I'm not going to fight that one.
[00:57:14]  Like, I don't care.
[00:57:15]  When you do jokes about the coronavirus and you do some Chinese jokes, do you get, and people get a little offended about that?
[00:57:25]  Yeah.
[00:57:26]  Nobody has been offended.
[00:57:27]  No one, no, it's also like you're doing a joke about the president of China, not Chinese people.
[00:57:32]  I literally, I mean, this is like, I literally say in it.
[00:57:35]  Like my thing is like, is like, it's specifically sarcastic.
[00:57:39]  And the people that I'm making fun of are my friends.
[00:57:41]  Of course.
[00:57:42]  You know what I mean?
[00:57:42]  Like, so when I say Jet Lee and I put Bobby Lee's picture instead, like that's a nod to Bobby.
[00:57:48]  Right.
[00:57:48]  You know what I mean?
[00:57:49]  Right, right.
[00:57:49]  But like, this is, I hate when it's that predictable.
[00:57:54]  Like, our whole thing was good comedy reviews are useless to me.
[00:57:59]  They're useless to everyone.
[00:58:00]  I need outrage.
[00:58:02]  Right.
[00:58:03]  Right.
[00:58:03]  And anger.
[00:58:04]  And anger.
[00:58:04]  Right.
[00:58:05]  And they literally, you could tell they didn't watch the last episode because in the last episode, I go, this is how media works.
[00:58:09]  Yeah.
[00:58:10]  Bloggers that mean nothing get angry.
[00:58:13]  Right.
[00:58:14]  Real organizations react to the fake news story that the bloggers made as if it's real.
[00:58:19]  Yeah.
[00:58:20]  Right.
[00:58:20]  Then the bloggers react to the news story and now you've created news out of nothing.
[00:58:23]  Right.
[00:58:24]  Right.
[00:58:24]  So we literally say it.
[00:58:26]  Yeah.
[00:58:26]  And then it happens.
[00:58:27]  It happens.
[00:58:27]  It happens immediately.
[00:58:28]  Like all of us are just saying, like, thank you.
[00:58:30]  What do you think after quarantine?
[00:58:32]  Because you have an interesting eye on culture and the way people behave.
[00:58:36]  Nobody really knows what's going to happen after this ends, right?
[00:58:39]  When we get a vaccine.
[00:58:40]  When does it end?
[00:58:41]  Is it the vaccine?
[00:58:42]  I need the vaccine.
[00:58:43]  I think by September, we're totally done.
[00:58:45]  Yeah.
[00:58:45]  I think we're done in phases.
[00:58:46]  And I think we're done late spring, early summer.
[00:58:49]  We start to really see it.
[00:58:50]  And then by September, I think we're good.
[00:58:52]  Okay.
[00:58:53]  Or do people run out of their homes and go and take their computers and phones and throw them away and go, fuck that?
[00:59:01]  I just want to live and jump in a lake and fuck and go to bars and do country line dancing.
[00:59:08]  Do people do that?
[00:59:09]  Or do they go, I've just programmed now to live on this device and I'm going to live on it forever?
[00:59:15]  Do you think?
[00:59:16]  I don't know.
[00:59:17]  And I've said before in the show, I don't know.
[00:59:19]  I don't know.
[00:59:20]  But we've learned how to live on these devices.
[00:59:23]  One week of fucking and then everyone's back in.
[00:59:25]  It's like, yeah, why was I doing that?
[00:59:26]  Right.
[00:59:27]  I think it's one week to just know you could do it.
[00:59:29]  It'll be a one week to go out hedonism crazy.
[00:59:32]  Do shit.
[00:59:33]  Call family members you don't even like and then you have to see them.
[00:59:37]  I kind of like that Christmas is canceled.
[00:59:39]  No, it is.
[00:59:40]  I love it.
[00:59:40]  And everyone's so angry at me, but I love it.
[00:59:43]  I did 10-minute socially distanced things with my parents.
[00:59:47]  Wave in New York.
[00:59:48]  Drive-by.
[00:59:48]  Yeah.
[00:59:50]  Right.
[00:59:50]  Get married.
[00:59:51]  Just come, make an underhanded, you know, I went, I went and I saw my father, my stepmother.
[00:59:55]  I said, hey, how are you?
[00:59:56]  I said, I got a new house.
[00:59:57]  It's really nice.
[00:59:58]  My stepmother goes, yeah, but you're all alone there.
[01:00:00]  Don't you get lonely?
[01:00:00]  I'm like, you got me.
[01:00:02]  All right.
[01:00:03]  I'm out of here.
[01:00:04]  You won.
[01:00:05]  You won.
[01:00:05]  You did it.
[01:00:06]  We can leave.
[01:00:07]  So, but I don't know, but you're engaged.
[01:00:10]  You're engaged.
[01:00:12]  You're going to get married.
[01:00:12]  I'm going to get married.
[01:00:13]  What made you decide this was just the time?
[01:00:17]  I got a great girl, man.
[01:00:18]  I wish I could.
[01:00:19]  I want to be like, you know, cynical about it, but I really got a great girl, man.
[01:00:23]  Yeah.
[01:00:23]  So it's just lock it up.
[01:00:24]  Literally.
[01:00:25]  Yeah.
[01:00:25]  She's just a great girl.
[01:00:26]  It's just awesome.
[01:00:27]  Are kids coming soon?
[01:00:30]  She's getting her master's.
[01:00:31]  So I want her to do whatever she wants and maybe get a job and then get one of those big fan.
[01:00:37]  What is she into doing?
[01:00:40]  She's going to try to work in tech.
[01:00:41]  I mean, that's the idea.
[01:00:42]  But like every company's tech.
[01:00:44]  You know what I mean?
[01:00:44]  So everything's tech.
[01:00:45]  Yeah, exactly.
[01:00:46]  If it's working for Amazon or whatever it is, one of these places.
[01:00:49]  Last time you came out, a lot of people that listened were in the creative space.
[01:00:52]  Like writers, comics, musicians.
[01:00:56]  I got hit up by musicians, aspiring rappers, whoever, people, right?
[01:00:59]  Yeah.
[01:01:00]  And many of them are dead now because that's the way this business works.
[01:01:04]  It's very sad.
[01:01:05]  But that's the way the business works.
[01:01:06]  This is working out for you.
[01:01:07]  I mean, you got a pool.
[01:01:08]  It's been good.
[01:01:09]  And it's been good.
[01:01:10]  It's been good.
[01:01:11]  Jacuzzi.
[01:01:11]  Hey, there's bigger pools.
[01:01:16]  Did people pronounce it jacuzz by you?
[01:01:18]  Or did they do jacuzzi?
[01:01:19]  Oh, interesting.
[01:01:20]  No, we in Long Island, we said jacuzz was too close to the Jews.
[01:01:27]  So we said, jacuzzi.
[01:01:29]  Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[01:01:30]  They were like, wait a minute.
[01:01:31]  Or you said, I got the jacuzzi.
[01:01:33]  And they said, good, let's start getting them together and try to fix this place up.
[01:01:39]  But what are people doing now that's working?
[01:01:43]  And what are people that are not like, if you're a young guy now, young gal, young non-binary person, and you want to shout out to Elliot Page and you want to get all the money.
[01:01:54]  All the money.
[01:01:54]  Marvel.
[01:01:57]  But like the straight money.
[01:01:59]  Well, I'm covering money.
[01:02:00]  I want to come out as trans to prove that there's a trans person they won't fuck with.
[01:02:05]  Because I've proven it with gay.
[01:02:07]  I've proven it with gay.
[01:02:08]  I've proven it with fat and gay.
[01:02:10]  Now I'm going to prove it with trans where I still they're going to go, no, Not him.
[01:02:16]  And you know what's funny?
[01:02:16]  It's like everybody will still be like, Tim, we don't care.
[01:02:19]  Yeah, we don't just keep ranting.
[01:02:22]  We don't care what you do with your private time.
[01:02:24]  Yeah.
[01:02:24]  So what do you, what do you think?
[01:02:26]  What do you think people do?
[01:02:26]  Tim's in the special, by the way.
[01:02:28]  Did you see your picture?
[01:02:29]  I'm excited.
[01:02:29]  People are sending it to me.
[01:02:30]  I love that.
[01:02:32]  What are people doing that?
[01:02:33]  Thank you for sending it over, Ben.
[01:02:35]  Sorry.
[01:02:35]  Yeah, no, thank you.
[01:02:36]  Three days after.
[01:02:38]  I texted Tim, I go, Tim, can we get a picture of you in the, what was it, the mega game?
[01:02:42]  Yeah, yeah, I don't know.
[01:02:42]  I'm just wandering around like mini malls.
[01:02:45]  Yes, I got you.
[01:02:45]  And then three days go by.
[01:02:46]  I go, Tim, that's that picture.
[01:02:48]  I'm like, I send it.
[01:02:49]  Yeah, I'm talking about couches with housewives.
[01:02:52]  I'm living in the suburbs now.
[01:02:53]  It's a different world.
[01:02:54]  You've got a jacuzzi.
[01:02:55]  Yeah, I have a jacuzzi and a pool.
[01:02:57]  It's really nice.
[01:02:58]  You could get soft.
[01:02:59]  It's very nice.
[01:03:00]  You could get soft.
[01:03:01]  I think you're getting soft.
[01:03:02]  Well, I'm trying not to.
[01:03:03]  A little bit sweet.
[01:03:04]  We had Candace Owens on.
[01:03:06]  That's what you're trying to harden up.
[01:03:07]  So we trying to harden it up.
[01:03:08]  You almost ran over that black kid on the scooter.
[01:03:11]  Every time we saw people, I think I'm getting soft.
[01:03:12]  And they're like, I got to bring somebody in now.
[01:03:15]  So, what are people doing now that you go, you're looking at them and going, This is interesting.
[01:03:19]  This is working.
[01:03:19]  Or even, like, in a general sense, if somebody's out there and they're going, fuck, I love what Andrew did.
[01:03:24]  How do I do that?
[01:03:25]  What do they do?
[01:03:26]  I love what you're doing.
[01:03:27]  Well, that's very sweet.
[01:03:28]  You know, I've always loved you.
[01:03:29]  You've always been a big fan and a supporter.
[01:03:31]  You got it.
[01:03:32]  You got it, man.
[01:03:33]  You got it.
[01:03:33]  I appreciate it.
[01:03:34]  Yeah, so I love what you're doing.
[01:03:35]  But here's the thing.
[01:03:36]  I don't know.
[01:03:38]  I don't know.
[01:03:39]  For what you do, I don't know if it's replicatable.
[01:03:42]  Does that make sense?
[01:03:43]  Well, like last time I came on here, I was like, I don't know.
[01:03:46]  People have to really destroy their lives to be main.
[01:03:49]  You have to really put the time in.
[01:03:51]  Yeah.
[01:03:53]  Yeah.
[01:03:54]  But I think you just, I think you'd like, was it worth it?
[01:03:57]  Like, it's not turned off a million times.
[01:04:01]  No, I don't want to do any of this.
[01:04:03]  I truly don't.
[01:04:04]  I don't want to be in the business.
[01:04:05]  They're a bigger pool.
[01:04:06]  But I think what you're doing isn't replicatable either because nobody else is doing it on the level you're doing it.
[01:04:11]  Nobody's doing it well.
[01:04:11]  Yeah.
[01:04:12]  To be honest, there's a lot of people that had the chance to do the funnier version of the daily show.
[01:04:17]  Yeah.
[01:04:17]  The funnier version of that.
[01:04:18]  And they've not done it.
[01:04:20]  How have you been able to?
[01:04:22]  How have you been able to do it?
[01:04:23]  And what does that say to other people that might want to do it out there?
[01:04:26]  First of all, and I don't care if this sounds corny, I have a great team of guys that are absolutely hilarious.
[01:04:32]  Right.
[01:04:32]  And they're really good.
[01:04:33]  So Mark Gagnon co-created the show with me and he's the co-creator on the special.
[01:04:37]  Right.
[01:04:38]  Robbie Slovic is a hilarious person.
[01:04:40]  I love Robbie.
[01:04:40]  He's funny.
[01:04:41]  He writes on the show.
[01:04:42]  My guy, F.A. Il Guy, he was a guy who never did comedy in his life.
[01:04:45]  He was a lawyer in London.
[01:04:46]  Love it.
[01:04:47]  And I was just like, dude, you want to come and be part of this?
[01:04:51]  And he's got the suit and his girlfriend, and that's where that joke ended up coming from.
[01:04:55]  Wow.
[01:04:57]  But yeah, so these guys are great.
[01:04:58]  And then Alex Media, the guy, my Ben, right?
[01:05:00]  He directed the whole thing.
[01:05:01]  So these guys are incredible and they're all really smart.
[01:05:04]  And we come up with these ideas together.
[01:05:07]  So I can't take credit.
[01:05:08]  This leads me into my next question.
[01:05:10]  Is comedy now a team sport?
[01:05:12]  Is this a team sport?
[01:05:14]  If you want to do it at the level that we're doing it, and when I say we, I don't just mean me.
[01:05:19]  I mean like you and there are other guys that are actually doing it at an elite level where you're perfecting culture.
[01:05:25]  Yeah.
[01:05:25]  You cannot do it only by yourself because I'm not.
[01:05:29]  You're competing with me and my guys.
[01:05:31]  There's no way you could do that by yourself.
[01:05:34]  Yeah.
[01:05:35]  Because I'm not talking to you.
[01:05:37]  I'm talking the average comic.
[01:05:38]  Right.
[01:05:38]  I'm better than you.
[01:05:40]  I can't do it either.
[01:05:40]  Have you seen what I work?
[01:05:41]  I work with him and Dan Carney.
[01:05:43]  I mean, it's a rough go for me.
[01:05:45]  I mean, it is very hard.
[01:05:47]  But we had these combos.
[01:05:49]  We'd be like, we had these combos where you were talking about you and Ben and you were like, yeah, I have my guy.
[01:05:54]  We can do this shit.
[01:05:55]  He's amazing.
[01:05:56]  What is that?
[01:05:56]  Legit without him, I'm fucked.
[01:05:58]  I'm not me without him.
[01:06:00]  Literally, he's amazing.
[01:06:02]  So that's very interesting.
[01:06:04]  So if you're a comic now and you're coming up, obviously.
[01:06:05]  I really get it.
[01:06:06]  Like all these guys, they want all the credit for themselves.
[01:06:09]  And it's like, we're going to end up getting the credit.
[01:06:11]  But if you're going to let people know about the squad, it's not going to happen.
[01:06:14]  I had Dan, Dan, funny guy was opening for me and he did really well one night in Salt Lake City.
[01:06:19]  I got on him the night before.
[01:06:21]  I was like, I said, well, no, I said to him the night before, I'm like, I want you to go take risks on stage and do things you had.
[01:06:26]  Like, not just jokes, just go out there with it.
[01:06:28]  And he went and he murdered.
[01:06:29]  And as he was murdering, I said, I got to destroy him.
[01:06:32]  Yes.
[01:06:33]  So then I got up there and I just, I called people up on the stage.
[01:06:36]  I mean, it was just an out-of-body experience.
[01:06:37]  You got to make them forget all about him.
[01:06:39]  Yes.
[01:06:39]  He doesn't exist.
[01:06:40]  And I explained to him afterwards, I said, that's what's great about having funny people in your orbit is it's a healthy competition and you want to, you know, you want to push me.
[01:06:52]  Yeah.
[01:06:52]  Yeah.
[01:06:53]  Same thing with Mark.
[01:06:53]  I want to get Mark is hilarious.
[01:06:55]  Yeah, he's a very funny guy.
[01:06:56]  I can't be lazy.
[01:06:57]  You know what I'm saying?
[01:06:58]  I cannot be lazy.
[01:06:59]  I got to fucking go.
[01:07:00]  He opens up for me on the road.
[01:07:02]  But yeah, so having these guys is like, we can create things that just people can't create.
[01:07:07]  And like, that's the thing.
[01:07:08]  Like, we have to do it.
[01:07:09]  How do you find those people?
[01:07:10]  This is a question that a lot of people are going to ask.
[01:07:12]  I just look for competency.
[01:07:13]  Okay.
[01:07:14]  So like if you're competent, you can learn anything.
[01:07:17]  Okay.
[01:07:17]  So if, so Alex Media learned how to edit on Premiere eight days before the special came out.
[01:07:23]  Wow.
[01:07:24]  Right.
[01:07:24]  Or before we had to edit the special.
[01:07:26]  Right.
[01:07:26]  And he edited the special.
[01:07:27]  Yeah.
[01:07:28]  And Mark as well, but Mark knew how to use Premiere.
[01:07:30]  But like, he's so competent that I'm like, yeah, you're going to figure it out.
[01:07:33]  So I'm only looking for competence.
[01:07:35]  And then I, and I look for, do you have as high standards for the content as I do?
[01:07:40]  Because if you do, I can relax.
[01:07:42]  Right.
[01:07:42]  If you don't, everything you put out, I got to double check.
[01:07:45]  And that's what I'm doing.
[01:07:45]  And then I might as well just done it myself.
[01:07:47]  Yeah.
[01:07:47]  Yeah.
[01:07:47]  You know?
[01:07:48]  So like, those are the things I'm always.
[01:07:49]  Yeah, I think it's the same thing.
[01:07:50]  I look for people that want to like win, for lack of a better word.
[01:07:54]  They want to put out things that people really resonate with.
[01:07:57]  Yes.
[01:07:57]  And they go, this is, and, and then, and then sometimes you got to, you're, sometimes they think that like, you know, it's hard to, it's, not that it's hard, but I feel like it's, it's a challenge not always working alone.
[01:08:12]  Cause we're used to as stand-ups, we're used to like, like, we're just, we're, it's just us.
[01:08:16]  Yeah.
[01:08:17]  And we go out there, we work on our jokes, we go out, we do this thing.
[01:08:19]  But when you have other people, you have a team of people, there's a give and take, push and pull.
[01:08:23]  There's, it's a different challenge.
[01:08:25]  And you can make something greater.
[01:08:27]  You can make something greater.
[01:08:28]  That's what human beings have done, right?
[01:08:29]  It's like we sacrifice a little bit of ourselves for the greater goods right how you make the pyramids.
[01:08:33]  Do you ever get in disagreements where you go like, I'm going to, I'm going to let Mark win this one because I trust him?
[01:08:40]  Best idea wins.
[01:08:41]  Yeah, best idea wins.
[01:08:42]  No ego like that.
[01:08:43]  I have no ego.
[01:08:44]  No ego, best idea.
[01:08:45]  I look like I have a lot of ego.
[01:08:46]  Yeah.
[01:08:47]  When it comes to the content, the best idea wins and everybody knows it.
[01:08:52]  That's the thing about you.
[01:08:52]  A lot of people look at you and go, you have a lot of ego.
[01:08:54]  And that should only because of what you say and do.
[01:08:56]  Yes, 100%.
[01:08:57]  But the way you present yourself.
[01:08:59]  That's the only reason people would ever think that.
[01:09:03]  But actually, here's what's smart about you.
[01:09:06]  You're humble.
[01:09:06]  There are bigger pools.
[01:09:11]  I'm dying.
[01:09:13]  I'm dying.
[01:09:14]  13-foot Christmas tree.
[01:09:15]  But that's how tall trees get.

=== No Ego, Best Idea Wins (04:19) ===

[01:09:17]  Trees.
[01:09:17]  I mean, come on.
[01:09:18]  This is nature.
[01:09:19]  It's a horror.
[01:09:20]  My life is a horror.
[01:09:21]  No, I'm very.
[01:09:22]  Listen, I'm lucky and I've done well.
[01:09:24]  It's a horror.
[01:09:25]  It's not a horror.
[01:09:27]  It's a horror.
[01:09:27]  I'm lucky and things have been good, but it's also, it was a long stretch of not good.
[01:09:31]  So, but it's.
[01:09:33]  Best idea wins.
[01:09:34]  The thing about you is you surround yourself with very smart people.
[01:09:36]  You take advice.
[01:09:37]  100%.
[01:09:37]  You ask people like that.
[01:09:39]  And that's what makes people very successful.
[01:09:42]  Yeah.
[01:09:42]  Is this the funniest thing?
[01:09:44]  Is this, hey, this is my pitch for the joke.
[01:09:46]  Yeah.
[01:09:46]  And then I got to make everybody in the room that I'm paying feel comfortable enough to tell me it's not funny.
[01:09:54]  Right.
[01:09:55]  And then, so that is the initial period that everybody gets there.
[01:09:58]  Yeah.
[01:09:58]  And obviously, no, we're not like trashing ideas of jokes.
[01:10:01]  We're always like, how can we build that?
[01:10:02]  Like, somebody will come up with like, all right, well, what can we do that's kind of connecting Tom Hanks in this way?
[01:10:07]  Right.
[01:10:07]  And then we'll go, oh, what if we did that?
[01:10:09]  And okay, I think the Woody joke came around like that.
[01:10:13]  You know, so it's just like, okay, Tom Hanks, they're calling him a pedophile.
[01:10:16]  It's so dense with jokes.
[01:10:18]  Like it has a lot of jokes.
[01:10:19]  Well, so that's, and I haven't said this on any pod.
[01:10:22]  I'll save it here for here.
[01:10:23]  But like the first time I think I was going, okay, how can I do comedy in a way where I can compete with these big fucking streaming thing, but like I can get it to the people.
[01:10:32]  So I'm like, okay, I can utilize the internet.
[01:10:34]  And like, if you don't trust me, maybe I'll give you smaller versions, et cetera.
[01:10:37]  So we figured that out how the average comic that's funny can put their stuff up and start to like put together a career.
[01:10:42]  Right.
[01:10:42]  And like we got that.
[01:10:45]  This time, the thing that I've always thought about comedy that was so shitty is the shelf life.
[01:10:50]  It's like a magic trick that you tell how you do the trick afterwards.
[01:10:54]  Right.
[01:10:54]  So if you tell the same, if you tell the joke, we're not talking about impressionists, right?
[01:10:58]  We're just talking about like punchlines, whatever.
[01:11:00]  If I tell you that joke once, the next time I tell it to you, you're like, ah, we got it.
[01:11:03]  Least funny thing.
[01:11:04]  Right.
[01:11:04]  Like, it's not funny at all.
[01:11:05]  You've loaded it with so many jokes.
[01:11:06]  People can watch it again and again and pull new things out of it every time.
[01:11:10]  So that's what I was like, how do I increase the shelf life?
[01:11:12]  And load it with so many jokes.
[01:11:14]  And the pictures punch the jokes.
[01:11:18]  Right.
[01:11:19]  So now I'm not doing what these fucking idiots on late night do.
[01:11:21]  I can't believe that they thought that this was okay to tell jokes and wait for a punchline when nobody's there.
[01:11:26]  Right.
[01:11:26]  Wait for the laugh at the kitchen table.
[01:11:28]  It's absurd.
[01:11:29]  It makes you feel so uncomfortable at home.
[01:11:31]  I feel very strange.
[01:11:33]  But that shows you how detached they are to actually connecting.
[01:11:37]  I think this quarantine, one of the things it's done is it's taken them out of the theaters and taking them out of makeup and taking the writers.
[01:11:42]  And you're kind of like, well, I'm sure the writers are still there, but like you see them unmasked, for lack of a better word, and you go, oh my God.
[01:11:49]  You suck.
[01:11:51]  You're not good.
[01:11:51]  Yeah.
[01:11:52]  I should be famous.
[01:11:53]  Like people on the couch go, I can be Ellen.
[01:11:55]  I can be not funny too.
[01:11:56]  Right.
[01:11:57]  Yeah.
[01:11:57]  Wow.
[01:11:57]  So that's what we're like, let's make it so joke dense.
[01:12:00]  We're not going to sit and like bask in our laughs.
[01:12:03]  We're literally just going to, the second a joke is finished, another one comes.
[01:12:06]  Right.
[01:12:07]  And then the images are going to punch the jokes so you know exactly.
[01:12:10]  Like there's, we measure those images like when we say it.
[01:12:13]  When I say a line, the image is coming out on a specific line.
[01:12:17]  Right.
[01:12:18]  It takes hours to line those images up.
[01:12:20]  And then what we do is we hide all these things in the images.
[01:12:23]  So when you watch the special and you look at me and you kind of look at images, you see one thing.
[01:12:28]  If you watch the special and only look at the images, it's a different special.
[01:12:31]  Wow.
[01:12:32]  So you have, you have like also sensory differences.
[01:12:35]  Two different specials.
[01:12:36]  Yeah, happening.
[01:12:37]  They're happening at the same time.
[01:12:38]  So then people start listening to it and it has this almost like rap effect where you're like, oh, I didn't notice Jay-Z said that line or something.
[01:12:44]  People are going back and forth on Twitter with you and it's like interactive without being hokey.
[01:12:48]  Exactly.
[01:12:49]  So people hokey.
[01:12:50]  No hokey.
[01:12:50]  But let's, do we have like these little lines in there?
[01:12:52]  Like, I want to do something where we can sit down and like go over.
[01:12:56]  Like, we have this one little line.
[01:12:58]  It's, we're talking about the Amy Cooper.
[01:13:00]  Yeah.
[01:13:00]  And instead of saying, you probably haven't heard about her up until now.
[01:13:05]  Yeah.
[01:13:05]  We say you probably haven't heard about her Emmett Till Now.
[01:13:08]  Yeah.
[01:13:09]  Yeah.
[01:13:09]  Jesus.
[01:13:09]  Yeah.
[01:13:10]  Right.
[01:13:10]  And it's quick.
[01:13:11]  It's quick.
[01:13:11]  And then the next line is, so I'll jog your memory.
[01:13:14]  And the picture is Ahmad Arbery.
[01:13:16]  Yeah.
[01:13:17]  And it's like flesh.
[01:13:18]  It's like these things are going so fast.
[01:13:20]  It's very racially triggering in very different ways.
[01:13:23]  Like it's that is what you just described.
[01:13:25]  So it's like the people that have us upset.
[01:13:27]  That's a nightmare for like a freshman at Columbia University.
[01:13:31]  What you just described.
[01:13:32]  It's like Emmett Till Arbery.
[01:13:33]  You're like, oh my God.
[01:13:34]  They're like short-circuiting.
[01:13:35]  They're falling on a dorm room floor.

=== Curating Distanced Conversations (14:58) ===

[01:13:37]  Yeah.
[01:13:37]  But if you got upset about Asian jokes, it's like, do you just not care about any other group of people?
[01:13:41]  They don't.
[01:13:41]  Everybody got made fun of.
[01:13:42]  Yeah, everybody got made fun of.
[01:13:44]  I say I look like a fucking banker from Gringotts.
[01:13:47]  Right.
[01:13:47]  Like, I'm trash in me.
[01:13:49]  Yeah, everybody's everybody gets it.
[01:13:50]  So it's like, don't put yourself on a pedestal.
[01:13:52]  What is, what do you want to do when quarantine ends and when you can go back out?
[01:13:57]  Are you like, let's go all over the world?
[01:13:59]  I've still got the stand-up special that I want to put out.
[01:14:01]  You want to put out.
[01:14:02]  So I want to.
[01:14:02]  Did you film it?
[01:14:03]  Didn't film it.
[01:14:03]  We got shut down by that.
[01:14:05]  So I want to do that.
[01:14:06]  And then I want to get back to doing these, but just like shorter.
[01:14:09]  We'll do them on YouTube and Instagram.
[01:14:11]  Because I want to go like, I want to go.
[01:14:13]  I realize like, I want to go.
[01:14:15]  And I lean to my agents.
[01:14:16]  Like, I want to see the world a little bit.
[01:14:17]  Yeah.
[01:14:18]  And when this whole thing happened, I'm like, you know, I've been to Cleveland four times.
[01:14:22]  I've been to Cleveland four times.
[01:14:23]  And listen, love hilarities.
[01:14:24]  Love everyone there.
[01:14:25]  I got the engraved bat.
[01:14:26]  Thank you.
[01:14:28]  I want to go to Amsterdam.
[01:14:30]  All of that.
[01:14:31]  I want to see Europe and the UK and Brussels and Ireland.
[01:14:34]  And like, I want to do comedy everywhere that I can.
[01:14:36]  When everything was shutting down, I was like, fuck.
[01:14:39]  I really missed my chance.
[01:14:40]  I wanted to be in Australia.
[01:14:41]  And obviously the world's going to open up again.
[01:14:43]  But you kind of gained so much extra time.
[01:14:45]  I did.
[01:14:46]  I gained a lot.
[01:14:47]  Now, when you go over there, it's worth it.
[01:14:49]  Tickets will sell.
[01:14:50]  It'll be worth it.
[01:14:51]  Before, when you would go over there, it would be like, oh, I got a few friends in Brussels.
[01:14:54]  I've done that tour in Europe where like some people know you.
[01:14:57]  And then I did a tour in Europe where a lot of people knew me.
[01:15:00]  It's different.
[01:15:01]  And the second one is so much better.
[01:15:02]  Much better.
[01:15:03]  So much better.
[01:15:04]  And then that's what you'll have now.
[01:15:06]  And then, yeah, it's fucking sick.
[01:15:07]  You can just travel Europe.
[01:15:08]  You're just eating this delicious food.
[01:15:10]  Yeah, it's great.
[01:15:11]  Everything's fun.
[01:15:12]  This is fun.
[01:15:12]  Yeah, that's what I'm hoping for.
[01:15:14]  You're already eating good, by the way.
[01:15:15]  Yeah, you've been noticing.
[01:15:17]  I've been eating.
[01:15:17]  You can see what your girl cooks.
[01:15:19]  No, fuck what my girl cooks, even though she's nice.
[01:15:21]  The restaurants that she picks up.
[01:15:22]  Oh, yeah, she does great restaurants.
[01:15:23]  She's like you.
[01:15:24]  She's like, she's smart.
[01:15:25]  She gets it.
[01:15:26]  We should all have a little.
[01:15:27]  Let's do it.
[01:15:28]  We'll go out.
[01:15:28]  Absolutely.
[01:15:29]  To Bernadine.
[01:15:30]  We'll go out to Bernadette.
[01:15:30]  Le Bernadin, baby.
[01:15:31]  I love it.
[01:15:32]  The first time I went there, my dad took me when I was seven.
[01:15:34]  Okay.
[01:15:35]  Yeah.
[01:15:35]  You hate it.
[01:15:36]  Seventh grade.
[01:15:37]  It's seven years old.
[01:15:38]  Not seven years old.
[01:15:38]  Seventh grade.
[01:15:39]  Okay, so seventh grade.
[01:15:40]  I went because I wanted to go.
[01:15:41]  I was like, explain what it is.
[01:15:43]  It's the best.
[01:15:44]  It's really the best, probably seafood restaurant in the world.
[01:15:49]  Yeah, I would say so.
[01:15:50]  Okay.
[01:15:51]  It's the top two to three restaurants in New York City, top five to ten in America, you know, conservatively speaking.
[01:16:01]  Just palace, you know, of seafood and the way they prepare the food, and everything's executed incredibly well.
[01:16:10]  And Eric Rappair and the Magui LaCoze, RIP who died, the vision of that restaurant was to make this glittering seafood palace in New York City that would rival the greatest restaurants of Paris.
[01:16:22]  And it did.
[01:16:23]  Successful.
[01:16:24]  Successfully.
[01:16:24]  Yeah, truly amazing.
[01:16:25]  And I went there at seventh grade.
[01:16:28]  This is my big date to celebrate Nevada.
[01:16:30]  Yeah, I went there when I was popping pimples off my back.
[01:16:33]  Yeah, yeah.
[01:16:33]  No, it was amazing.
[01:16:36]  It was amazing.
[01:16:36]  And then I just realized.
[01:16:37]  Grow up, Schultz.
[01:16:39]  Yeah.
[01:16:39]  I realized that, like, you know, after that, you look at, you look at other things and you go, it's great to, listen, here's the thing.
[01:16:49]  It's great to drive in a Rolls-Royce.
[01:16:51]  Yeah.
[01:16:51]  You don't have to own one, but it's great to drive in a Rolls-Royce.
[01:16:53]  Just test it.
[01:16:54]  Just know, and you know why?
[01:16:56]  Know why it's Rolls-Royce.
[01:16:58]  That's the reality.
[01:16:59]  Know why it's a Rolls-Royce.
[01:17:00]  And that's, and my friends Jeffrey and Chislaine would say these things too.
[01:17:04]  You have to drive Rolls-Royce.
[01:17:05]  And I don't know what they were talking about, but they said, yeah, I have to drive it.
[01:17:07]  It's very odd, but I kept bringing that up.
[01:17:09]  Rolls-Royce.
[01:17:10]  But no, but La Bernadin is that restaurant where you go to it.
[01:17:12]  Then you know what everything else is.
[01:17:14]  You go, oh, I get it.
[01:17:16]  I get it.
[01:17:17]  And it just, it puts things in an order.
[01:17:19]  Yeah.
[01:17:20]  And it orders things for you in a way.
[01:17:22]  It's like a great athlete or even a great comic, like you see Patrice O'Neill RFC, but you're just like, oh, that is the best.
[01:17:28]  You watch Elephant in the Room and you get it.
[01:17:30]  You go, okay, now I can put everything together and I can organize these things in my head because I've seen this really amazing thing that is so rare.
[01:17:37]  Yeah, yeah.
[01:17:38]  And will never happen again in the configuration it is, right?
[01:17:41]  There'll never be another Patrice.
[01:17:43]  There'll never be another La Bernadin.
[01:17:44]  There'll be great restaurants.
[01:17:45]  But that set of circumstances that made that restaurant what it was, the location, the this of that, it's all there.
[01:17:52]  And that's what I love about going out to eat in really nice places is that you know that eventually I went to Lugers the other day and I went, it's over.
[01:18:02]  Bro, it's over.
[01:18:03]  It's over.
[01:18:03]  It's over there.
[01:18:05]  We've been saying my birthday with my folks.
[01:18:07]  Yes, it's over.
[01:18:08]  They're broken.
[01:18:09]  They're broken.
[01:18:09]  They're broken by that New York Times.
[01:18:11]  No one's there.
[01:18:12]  It's like, but you know what it is?
[01:18:14]  It's okay because it would be weirder if it wasn't over because it opened in 1863.
[01:18:19]  It's like, it's supposed to stop.
[01:18:21]  It's supposed to stop.
[01:18:22]  It's too long.
[01:18:23]  There's too much.
[01:18:24]  There's got to be a new era of restaurants, of restaurateurs, of chefs, of people that keep reinventing and reimagining things to make them better.
[01:18:34]  Yeah, it's like comedy.
[01:18:34]  It's like news.
[01:18:35]  It's like media.
[01:18:36]  It's like everything.
[01:18:36]  You have to shed this.
[01:18:37]  No, you look.
[01:18:37]  You said something to me very interesting once.
[01:18:39]  I want to talk to you about this about YouTube.
[01:18:40]  Okay, yeah.
[01:18:41]  You said comics are some of the funniest people in the world, but they don't utilize social media effectively, and they don't.
[01:18:46]  And then you look at a lot of YouTubers.
[01:18:47]  Now, I'm friends with YouTubers out here in California, and they're nice people, but their content is fundamentally different from comics, right?
[01:18:53]  It's fundamentally different.
[01:18:54]  It's more like, hey, this is my day in the life, whatever it is.
[01:18:56]  Some of them are funny, but their job is not to be funny.
[01:18:59]  Their job is to be relatable or to be accessible, whatever it is, right?
[01:19:02]  Aspirational.
[01:19:03]  Aspirational.
[01:19:04]  A lot of them.
[01:19:04]  The life is aspirational.
[01:19:05]  Oh, I would be cool to drive in that car.
[01:19:07]  Yeah, I would be cool to go to these places.
[01:19:09]  How does a comic whose job is to be very funny?
[01:19:12]  Yeah, kind of get into this world of YouTube where it's like we can't do those things or we would have to be funny.
[01:19:21]  We have to be funny.
[01:19:22]  We are funny.
[01:19:22]  We can be funny.
[01:19:23]  Because it is an interesting divide, right?
[01:19:26]  Because you do look at some of the stuff on there and you go, some of this content's interesting.
[01:19:31]  Some of it's, you know, I don't even know what it is.
[01:19:33]  Some of it, truly, I don't know what it is.
[01:19:34]  I'm not watching mukbang.
[01:19:35]  Somebody's just brushing their teeth for three hours.
[01:19:37]  It's got 10 million views.
[01:19:38]  I think society's in trouble.
[01:19:40]  But what is it about comedians that they in those environments don't catch on?
[01:19:47]  I think that two things happen.
[01:19:48]  One, we get a false sense of validation from being on stage.
[01:19:52]  That's true.
[01:19:53]  They don't have the stage.
[01:19:55]  So they need the views.
[01:19:57]  That's their right.
[01:20:00]  They can't go up in front of 30 people at the Village Lantern and do decently and be like, I'm funny.
[01:20:05]  I did it.
[01:20:07]  They need to put out the video.
[01:20:08]  And then by putting out the video, if it's good, so many more people see it.
[01:20:11]  Like, think about how many more people listen to this podcast than see you at a comedy club in Texas.
[01:20:15]  You can't even fathom.
[01:20:16]  But you could get hundreds of thousands of views that you're getting right now.
[01:20:20]  But when we go sell out a theater, we think we made it.
[01:20:24]  Right.
[01:20:24]  Like, how crazy are we?
[01:20:26]  When we're thinking there's so much.
[01:20:27]  Well, half a million people see something, listen to something we do.
[01:20:30]  2,000 people come to it.
[01:20:32]  But I think what we do in that space is unique, right?
[01:20:37]  Because it's kind of the same reason that the restaurants are great.
[01:20:42]  It's an audience.
[01:20:43]  Yes, it's.
[01:20:43]  And you appreciate all that.
[01:20:45]  Yes, this 100%.
[01:20:46]  Not to also do.
[01:20:48]  But you're right.
[01:20:49]  Long term, you got to reach more people than who's going to be able to do it.
[01:20:51]  And then they come out to have that true unique experience, which is what's what we're doing.
[01:20:55]  But I totally understand the connection between chef and comic now.
[01:21:00]  Yes.
[01:21:00]  Yeah.
[01:21:00]  It is the closest that I've seen in the creative field.
[01:21:04]  I believe in comic.
[01:21:05]  People go, oh, it's like boxing.
[01:21:07]  I used to box.
[01:21:07]  It's nothing like boxing.
[01:21:08]  But chef?
[01:21:09]  Right.
[01:21:10]  Yes.
[01:21:10]  Yes.
[01:21:10]  And I've watched those shows that everybody's watching on Netflix, whatever.
[01:21:13]  But even going through the experience, they go through almost like the borderline psychosis.
[01:21:19]  Yes.
[01:21:19]  So trying to take things that are like mundane and make them interesting.
[01:21:23]  Like that's literally what we do.
[01:21:24]  Right.
[01:21:25]  And then having to sit there and watch people consume.
[01:21:29]  And they have to curate an experience for a diner for the whole thing from when they walk into that restaurant to when they leave.
[01:21:34]  Yeah, yeah.
[01:21:34]  Every course of food, the service, what it looks like.
[01:21:37]  Yeah.
[01:21:37]  They have to curate that experience.
[01:21:38]  That's that to me.
[01:21:39]  I've always seen that overlap.
[01:21:41]  But to me, I'm almost like, like, I want my show to be that way at the theater or the club.
[01:21:47]  Like, I want it to start when you walk in the door.
[01:21:49]  Right.
[01:21:50]  Not when I go on stage and say hello.
[01:21:52]  When you walk in the door, there should be something.
[01:21:54]  There should be music.
[01:21:54]  There should be something visual.
[01:21:55]  The show.
[01:21:56]  The show begins when you walk in.
[01:21:58]  It sets a tone.
[01:21:58]  Yeah.
[01:21:59]  Right?
[01:21:59]  Like, if we go to La Bernaden or whatever.
[01:22:01]  You walk in.
[01:22:02]  Fucking Somalia is walking around with the pimp cup chains.
[01:22:05]  Right.
[01:22:06]  Right.
[01:22:06]  And you're just like, what the fuck is going on?
[01:22:08]  I didn't know anything like that.
[01:22:09]  I don't know anything about these places.
[01:22:10]  My girl knows a shit.
[01:22:11]  I asked the fucking lady.
[01:22:12]  I was like, are you like, what's up with the chain?
[01:22:14]  Yeah.
[01:22:15]  And I thought that she was like the head waitress.
[01:22:18]  Right.
[01:22:19]  Do you know what I mean?
[01:22:19]  I thought like that was like a status thing.
[01:22:24]  And it's a test of in or whatever, I think is the term.
[01:22:28]  A taste of wine.
[01:22:29]  Yes.
[01:22:30]  Yeah, something like that.
[01:22:30]  Yes, yes.
[01:22:31]  And I guess it's an ancient thing.
[01:22:32]  You tab a little, whatever.
[01:22:33]  But it's like, what are we doing when we get back into stand-up?
[01:22:36]  Like, what are we doing for our shows?
[01:22:38]  Like, is standard going to be enough, you know, when, you know, because everyone's used to seeing us do all these other things, you're on Netflix or the podcast.
[01:22:48]  Are we going to have to beef up our live shows to make them?
[01:22:51]  It's totally different.
[01:22:52]  I want it to be a carnival.
[01:22:53]  Me too.
[01:22:55]  I agree with you.
[01:22:56]  And yeah, you would actually fit this perfectly, right?
[01:22:58]  Because it's like, I want to have the hour that we put out, we put together.
[01:23:03]  I don't care if it's done in a tiny little comedy club or a big theater, whatever it is.
[01:23:07]  But when I go tour tour and we're doing fucking theaters and arenas, I want this to be a carnival.
[01:23:13]  I want there to be stand-up.
[01:23:14]  I want us all to be fucking singing.
[01:23:17]  I want it to be a wild experience.
[01:23:18]  Yes.
[01:23:19]  Because the reality is, is like one of the reasons why I've been so successful on the road is because I create these unique experiences through interacting with the crowd, right?
[01:23:27]  So like when you come there, you know that's never going to happen again.
[01:23:30]  Yeah.
[01:23:30]  So you're like, I can't miss that.
[01:23:32]  That's what I try to do.
[01:23:33]  You brought the people up on the stage of Salt Lake.
[01:23:35]  Yeah, that's what I'm trying to do.
[01:23:36]  Everybody there is telling their friends, I don't know what was happening.
[01:23:39]  You got people on stage.
[01:23:40]  I want people to come to the show and experience an act of domestic terrorism.
[01:23:44]  You know, I want the FBI to look at what constitutes a terrorist group and say, does this fit that?
[01:23:52]  But I think it's not enough anymore to just do stand-up.
[01:23:57]  I think it is enough, but I think going forward, like people are going to want all kinds of different shit.
[01:24:02]  I think they want to do it.
[01:24:02]  Because it's the element of uncertainty.
[01:24:04]  Yes.
[01:24:05]  Because they walk in, they know you're going to do funny stuff.
[01:24:07]  It's going to be funny.
[01:24:08]  But I think that crowd interaction or crowd work or riffing or any of that, and then you add other people into it.
[01:24:13]  You add other things.
[01:24:14]  That's what people may want.
[01:24:16]  Because people that are going to go out, they go, I want a fucking concert.
[01:24:18]  I want a fucking really insane night.
[01:24:22]  I want someone to tell people about.
[01:24:24]  I want to have that experience.
[01:24:24]  It's like the fucking restaurant.
[01:24:26]  You could go have the Dover Soul.
[01:24:28]  Yeah.
[01:24:29]  Or you could have Dover Soul and then cut it with a fish knife.
[01:24:33]  Right.
[01:24:34]  I don't know what a fish knife is.
[01:24:35]  Right.
[01:24:36]  It's not sharp.
[01:24:37]  Yeah.
[01:24:38]  Right.
[01:24:38]  But I got this specific knife and they're like, oh, yeah, that's all you cut it.
[01:24:41]  Because it's so soft that you don't need to saw through it.
[01:24:44]  Yeah, it's a little trick they did.
[01:24:45]  And now I'm telling you about it.
[01:24:46]  Let me ask you a controversial question.
[01:24:48]  Should comics be doing like 10 specials or is it time to hang it up?
[01:24:52]  Is it time?
[01:24:53]  What's going on?
[01:24:55]  I don't want to do a special unless I have to talk about something.
[01:24:58]  Right.
[01:24:58]  Right.
[01:24:58]  Do you know what I'm saying?
[01:24:59]  Like, yeah, I mean, so many comics have been around forever since we're two.
[01:25:02]  Yeah.
[01:25:03]  Is it time for any of them to leave?
[01:25:05]  And this is one of my, this is one of the things I say.
[01:25:09]  Do I want to do the Tim Dylan show answer or do I, is it the real answer?
[01:25:12]  It's the real answer.
[01:25:13]  The real answer is keep on doing until the wheels fall off because it makes you happy.
[01:25:16]  The Tim Dylan show answer is a lot of guys got to go.
[01:25:20]  You got to go.
[01:25:21]  A lot of guys got to go.
[01:25:23]  But you got to go.
[01:25:25]  You got to go.
[01:25:26]  And I respect you and you've done it.
[01:25:28]  But what are we still doing at a certain point, right?
[01:25:33]  At a certain point.
[01:25:35]  You've done it.
[01:25:36]  Like, how much can you do it?
[01:25:38]  Like, it's, you know?
[01:25:40]  What do you see?
[01:25:41]  Yeah, I mean, I get it.
[01:25:43]  If it makes you happy, do whatever makes you happy.
[01:25:45]  What if we do what makes me happy?
[01:25:47]  And what makes me happy is you not doing this anymore.
[01:25:51]  Either have to go yes or yes.
[01:25:52]  Yeah, they gotta go.
[01:25:53]  I love yes or yes.
[01:25:54]  I think, yeah, yes or yes.
[01:25:56]  We should do a yearly purge of them.
[01:25:58]  Yeah.
[01:25:59]  We just sit down.
[01:26:00]  This has to happen.
[01:26:00]  And we just, instead of like the topic, what is going to happen to comedy clubs in this?
[01:26:05]  I think comedy clubs are good because I think that's, I think comedy clubs are going to be good.
[01:26:08]  They'll be good.
[01:26:09]  I think I'm going to be able to do that.
[01:26:09]  I think they can hang on because it's just a hard economic thing.
[01:26:12]  I think a lot of them will hang on.
[01:26:14]  I don't know.
[01:26:14]  For whatever reason, I think a lot of them will.
[01:26:15]  But I think they're good.
[01:26:16]  And I think that will be one of the first experiences that people go back out in public to do.
[01:26:20]  It's kind of safe.
[01:26:21]  You're not making out with strangers in a dance floor.
[01:26:24]  You are already somewhat distanced.
[01:26:27]  You're with your friends.
[01:26:27]  You're laughing.
[01:26:28]  And you're kind of like somebody's regaling the times and you want to relate to it.
[01:26:32]  I think I think they'll thrive.
[01:26:33]  But 100%, the comedy clubs is where we'll be working on our bits and then have these kind of intimate experiences.
[01:26:40]  But when it comes to creating a show, the reality is if I'm doing the garden and I'm making fun of someone in the front row, nobody else in the garden can see that person in the front row.
[01:26:50]  So I have to change my show to accommodate that venue.
[01:26:55]  The venue experience.
[01:26:57]  You can't, even doing the monologue, what we're doing, it's like, I have to constantly change what I'm doing.
[01:27:02]  Like earlier in my career, I was just doing material.
[01:27:04]  I put out two specials, material.
[01:27:06]  Right.
[01:27:06]  Okay, I got really good at that.
[01:27:08]  And I'm not trying to pat myself on the back, but I was really good at it.
[01:27:10]  Right.
[01:27:10]  What am I not really good at?
[01:27:12]  How can I get better at?
[01:27:13]  Let's get better.
[01:27:14]  Yeah.
[01:27:14]  Okay.
[01:27:15]  I see these guys doing monologues all the time.
[01:27:17]  Never once have I thought they're funny.
[01:27:19]  Right.
[01:27:19]  And I'm just like, how has nobody tried to do this funny yet?
[01:27:22]  Right.
[01:27:22]  They suck.
[01:27:23]  Right.
[01:27:24]  Okay, maybe I could, I'm terrified of looking like an idiot.
[01:27:27]  Right.
[01:27:27]  Terrified?
[01:27:28]  Good.
[01:27:28]  I should go do that thing I'm terrified of.
[01:27:30]  We start doing it and then we're why do people do more shit that scares them?
[01:27:34]  Why do you think?
[01:27:36]  I don't know.
[01:27:37]  I mean, I would say that it's painful.
[01:27:41]  Yeah, but you will do it.
[01:27:42]  Why will you do it?
[01:27:43]  I mean, I'm a little crazy.
[01:27:44]  You're a little crazy.
[01:27:45]  But you also don't have shame.
[01:27:47]  I don't have shame.
[01:27:48]  Yeah, I don't have any shame.
[01:27:49]  I'll fail.
[01:27:52]  Why will you fail?
[01:27:52]  I'll have to put a bait putty on.
[01:27:53]  Yeah, I'll fail.
[01:27:55]  Why will I fail?
[01:27:56]  I had that hoodie, that bae putty.
[01:27:58]  Give me that hoodie.
[01:27:59]  Give me that hoodie.
[01:28:00]  Don't fail.
[01:28:01]  No, it's just this hoodie that everyone makes fun of me for because I did a sketch with it on.
[01:28:07]  But when I put this hoodie on, I become a different person.
[01:28:10]  People don't understand.
[01:28:12]  I don't give a shit about politics anymore.
[01:28:14]  When I put this hoodie on, I don't care about fucking, oh, do you read a book?
[01:28:19]  What book you read?
[01:28:20]  You want to fucking, yo, what do you think is going to happen?
[01:28:22]  No, no, no.
[01:28:23]  When I put this hoodie on, I realize that I am beautiful.
[01:28:27]  You are gorgeous.
[01:28:27]  And that because a black man came up to me and he said, you look fresh as fuck when I had this on.
[01:28:32]  And no one had ever been complimentary to me like that before.

=== Failing with a Hoodie On (15:54) ===

[01:28:35]  And I've discovered that I can be a new person with just one garment of clothing.
[01:28:39]  And I could maybe start smoking weed again and doing pills and drinking that coffee syrup.
[01:28:44]  Whoa, whoa, hey, hey, this is a different part.
[01:28:48]  That person doesn't have a drug problem.
[01:28:50]  The person in this is responsible.
[01:28:53]  He can.
[01:28:54]  No, but I, you know, Mike Lawrence said something really good once.
[01:28:56]  Somebody said, I'm afraid to do this show.
[01:28:58]  And Mike Lawrence goes, Are you too good to fail?
[01:29:00]  I've never felt like I was too good to fail.
[01:29:02]  I think that's part of why I do shit.
[01:29:04]  I don't feel like I'm too good to fail.
[01:29:06]  I don't feel like I'm too, if I put out a shit video and it gets a few thousand views, that's okay.
[01:29:11]  A lot of comics don't want to start pursuing shit online because they're like, what am I going to have to build this fucking social media network?
[01:29:19]  Yeah, you do.
[01:29:19]  In the beginning, yeah, you do.
[01:29:20]  You're going to have to do it and keep doing it.
[01:29:23]  And it is what it is.
[01:29:24]  In the beginning, I had no followers.
[01:29:26]  I had nothing.
[01:29:27]  But I don't feel like too good to.
[01:29:29]  I feel like I got, as long as I'm playing, I'm okay.
[01:29:32]  If I'm on the field, I'm okay.
[01:29:34]  If I'm on the bench, pointing at people on the field going, fuck them.
[01:29:38]  Loser.
[01:29:39]  That's where I get depressed.
[01:29:41]  I got to play.
[01:29:43]  And that's the way that I feel good about myself, decent about myself, not tremendous.
[01:29:48]  There's a guy I grew up with, Siddiqui Thomas, right?
[01:29:50]  Yes.
[01:29:51]  Jamaican dude.
[01:29:52]  Yeah.
[01:29:52]  Hilarious.
[01:29:53]  He would hit on every girl.
[01:29:55]  Right.
[01:29:56]  He would, he would, his rate of like closing was probably like two out of 10 or three out of 10.
[01:30:01]  Right.
[01:30:01]  Which is good.
[01:30:02]  Okay.
[01:30:03]  It was good.
[01:30:04]  Yeah.
[01:30:05]  I didn't think he was a loser when he failed.
[01:30:07]  I thought he was the bravest motherfucker I've ever seen.
[01:30:10]  Because when I was young, I was terrified of not only getting rejected, but my friends seeing me get rejected.
[01:30:16]  And then them, I thought in my mind, I was like, I'm going to lose some sort of social currency to my friends.
[01:30:21]  They think I'm cool.
[01:30:22]  The bravest thing anyone can do right now, literally to me, is talk to a woman.
[01:30:27]  To sit down and speak to a woman and listen to them and take their opinion seriously is to me braver than jumping out of a plane without a parachute in my life.
[01:30:39]  Like for me to have to do that is huge.
[01:30:42]  So that's a big upside for you.
[01:30:45]  Very little upside.
[01:30:47]  Very little.
[01:30:47]  Well, Whitney comes and gave us that table in the back, which we paid her for.
[01:30:51]  She keeps acting like it's charity.
[01:30:52]  I'm like, dude, we give you money.
[01:30:55]  It thousands it up.
[01:30:56]  But I love her.
[01:30:57]  I love Winnie.
[01:30:58]  Because Whitney is a power.
[01:31:00]  You know, she's a real fucking, she's a great comic.
[01:31:03]  And she unstoppable force.
[01:31:06]  Unstoppable force.
[01:31:07]  That's what she said.
[01:31:09]  She's not afraid as well.
[01:31:10]  She thinks she's afraid.
[01:31:11]  Right.
[01:31:11]  But that is what pushes her.
[01:31:13]  Does that make sense?
[01:31:14]  How do you, when you see people that do you believe that hard work is genetic?
[01:31:19]  George Carlin said maybe it is genetic.
[01:31:21]  There's something very interesting about that.
[01:31:23]  Yeah.
[01:31:24]  I know people who I look at.
[01:31:25]  Or what is it?
[01:31:27]  Nature versus nurture.
[01:31:28]  I think it's nurture, but I think you have to see hard work at a very young age.
[01:31:32]  To get it.
[01:31:33]  And then that's.
[01:31:34]  I saw my mom getting up every day, coaching a swim team, getting up at 5 a.m., doing everything.
[01:31:39]  I get it.
[01:31:39]  I also saw my dad, who I love, like, you know, was a really great musician, but never took it to the level he could have.
[01:31:46]  So I saw both of those experiences, right?
[01:31:48]  Were you afraid of repeating what your dad?
[01:31:51]  Oh, yeah.
[01:31:51]  I was afraid of having a studio in my house in the suburbs.
[01:31:55]  Wait.
[01:31:56]  Like my dad.
[01:31:57]  Oh, no.
[01:31:58]  My dad had a studio where he would just sit in a room in his house in the suburbs, but no one cared.
[01:32:04]  He was just playing his guitar.
[01:32:06]  Okay.
[01:32:06]  That's way different.
[01:32:07]  That's way different.
[01:32:08]  I've won, father.
[01:32:08]  Yeah.
[01:32:09]  And he, but no, I was afraid of, and my dad was a really talented guy.
[01:32:14]  And he was talented because I knew that because other people would tell me he wouldn't.
[01:32:17]  Like other people would say, your dad had this massive band on Long Island in the 70s.
[01:32:20]  It was really big.
[01:32:21]  Did you know about that?
[01:32:22]  And I'm like, kind of.
[01:32:23]  And my dad didn't really keep a lot of that stuff around, right?
[01:32:25]  There was no like photos of it.
[01:32:27]  So I was like, oh, okay.
[01:32:28]  Catholic thing.
[01:32:29]  No, just didn't.
[01:32:30]  I think he didn't want to remind himself that he was on this track that never panned out.
[01:32:35]  Yeah, that shit is hard.
[01:32:36]  It's tough, right?
[01:32:37]  And I get it.
[01:32:37]  He had a kid.
[01:32:38]  He had, well, he got, you know, got a sales job or whatever.
[01:32:41]  But when I got into this, I was 25 years old and I'm like, this is the last thing that I have the shot to be good at.
[01:32:48]  There's not a lot of things you can do at 25, right?
[01:32:51]  I mean, there's some, certainly, but a lot.
[01:32:54]  This is the other thing about life that people don't really want to talk about, which is like, you know, at a certain point, you got to make a decision and stick with it.
[01:33:04]  You don't have, you can't reinvent yourself every three years.
[01:33:06]  What point?
[01:33:07]  I don't know.
[01:33:08]  Do you think it's 25?
[01:33:09]  No.
[01:33:09]  I don't think it's an age.
[01:33:10]  I don't think it's a specific age.
[01:33:12]  I think that it's a moment.
[01:33:15]  And I don't think you can reinvent everything you want.
[01:33:22]  Like, I know people that have wanted to be 10 things.
[01:33:24]  And I'm like, well, this is a problem.
[01:33:26]  Every three years, you want to be another thing.
[01:33:28]  And you know what I noticed about those people?
[01:33:31]  Each one of those things has one thing in common.
[01:33:34]  Right.
[01:33:35]  And they're just lily padding to the next thing because that one isn't working.
[01:33:39]  And it's usually validation.
[01:33:41]  I look at, yes.
[01:33:42]  It's like, I want people to like me.
[01:33:43]  Okay, I'm going to be an actress.
[01:33:45]  Doesn't work.
[01:33:46]  I'm going to be a Pilates coach that's on YouTube.
[01:33:49]  It's not really fun.
[01:33:49]  I look at people that are really funny and I say to myself, I look at people that are really funny and haven't made a haven't made much of their careers.
[01:33:59]  And I, and I, and I, and I think a lot of that is because they don't get bored easily.
[01:34:07]  I get very bored.
[01:34:08]  Who is that?
[01:34:09]  I look at comics that are very funny that haven't built a fan base.
[01:34:13]  That's a lot of people, right?
[01:34:15]  Is it no?
[01:34:17]  That's the thing.
[01:34:17]  Like, there's really, I don't want to be insulting, but there's guys that we know that should be bigger.
[01:34:21]  I can, and I want to.
[01:34:22]  Should be bigger is yes.
[01:34:24]  And I think it's, but do they have drug issues?
[01:34:26]  Usually, people that are no, yeah, I don't.
[01:34:29]  I don't know if they do.
[01:34:30]  There's different levels of funny, right?
[01:34:31]  Like, like, if we're just being honest.
[01:34:33]  Let's be honest.
[01:34:34]  There is.
[01:34:34]  A lot of young comics are going to listen to this.
[01:34:36]  They should.
[01:34:37]  And they should fucking pay extra close attention because they're not the elite level of funny yet.
[01:34:41]  Yes.
[01:34:42]  And you and I were.
[01:34:42]  But by young comics, I mean Bill Bird.
[01:34:44]  No, I'm kidding.
[01:34:45]  I just, I'm just.
[01:34:48]  I'm kidding.
[01:34:50]  But like, you and I were both at the point where we're not funny.
[01:34:54]  Right.
[01:34:54]  Yes.
[01:34:54]  And then we start to get to the point where we're funny.
[01:34:56]  Right.
[01:34:56]  Right.
[01:34:56]  But we're not elite funny yet.
[01:34:58]  Yes.
[01:34:58]  And then we get to the point where you want to get to elite funny, right?
[01:35:02]  And people that elite funny.
[01:35:04]  It's so hard to get to.
[01:35:05]  No, it's hard to get to, but they are making a living.
[01:35:07]  Even if they are fucking drug addicts, they're making a living.
[01:35:10]  Yeah.
[01:35:11]  If they're drug addicts, they're not as famous as they should be, but they're still living.
[01:35:16]  They're living.
[01:35:16]  That's how few people are elite.
[01:35:19]  Right?
[01:35:19]  That's a great point.
[01:35:21]  This is such a small group of people.
[01:35:23]  It gets whittled down.
[01:35:24]  It constantly gets whittled down.
[01:35:25]  There's a handful of people.
[01:35:26]  To a small handful of people.
[01:35:27]  There's really a handful of us.
[01:35:28]  When you think about it, so it's like there's a lot of people in the middle, and they're like, why don't I have a career?
[01:35:32]  It's like, well, that's not how it works.
[01:35:34]  Yeah.
[01:35:34]  This shit is too fun for everybody to do it.
[01:35:36]  So if you want to have the career career, you have to be elite.
[01:35:40]  Right.
[01:35:40]  You have to be able to do that.
[01:35:41]  Don't you think there's a value in the fact that people like you, and I think people like me get bored with shitty sleek.
[01:35:47]  We get bored and we go, I want to do cool shit and new shit.
[01:35:51]  I can tell you exactly why I love stand-up.
[01:35:52]  Yeah.
[01:35:53]  Because it is the basketball hoop changing height every single time you go on a court.
[01:36:01]  Right.
[01:36:01]  So you practice your free throws on a 10-foot hoop, right?
[01:36:04]  Are you like, I got that down?
[01:36:05]  Right.
[01:36:05]  And then you go up at hilarities and clean up.
[01:36:08]  Is there a way that we can use a white sport?
[01:36:10]  Yes.
[01:36:10]  Just for my tennis.
[01:36:13]  I got it, right?
[01:36:13]  Okay.
[01:36:14]  Okay.
[01:36:15]  Ready?
[01:36:15]  Yes.
[01:36:15]  Here we go.
[01:36:16]  I'm ready.
[01:36:17]  Tennis.
[01:36:17]  Yes.
[01:36:18]  Every time you go onto the court, you have a different size racket.
[01:36:21]  Wow.
[01:36:22]  Yes.
[01:36:23]  Now you're with me?
[01:36:23]  Yes.
[01:36:24]  So now you're like, I perfected it with that one racket, but I'm at hilarities and it's this tiny little racket.
[01:36:29]  And now when I try to serve, it doesn't do the whole thing.
[01:36:31]  So I got to figure out, I got to figure out how to be so good at this, no matter what size racket I have.
[01:36:36]  Yeah.
[01:36:37]  I'm going to be successful.
[01:36:38]  And that's going to take you fucking decades.
[01:36:40]  So people like you and I that can get bored of shit that we can get good at quickly.
[01:36:44]  Right.
[01:36:44]  We're going to go, okay, okay.
[01:36:45]  I'm over.
[01:36:46]  I know some of these young guys who say things like, I just want a good quality of life.
[01:36:49]  Right.
[01:36:49]  But kill yourself, right?
[01:36:51]  Stop telling me.
[01:36:52]  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
[01:36:53]  I love that.
[01:36:53]  Yeah.
[01:36:54]  Why are we having a second?
[01:36:55]  Yeah, why would you tell me that?
[01:36:57]  Why would you tell me that?
[01:36:58]  I want to conquer the world.
[01:37:00]  Right, right.
[01:37:01]  But it's true.
[01:37:02]  No, no.
[01:37:02]  If you're using those words and you're in your 20s, you're in trouble.
[01:37:06]  I mean, like, you're in fucking trouble.
[01:37:07]  I tell people, you will go no further than your dream with this business.
[01:37:11]  Right.
[01:37:12]  Right?
[01:37:12]  Right.
[01:37:12]  No further.
[01:37:13]  So if you just want to make a living, that is if you're lucky, you'll get there if you're lucky.
[01:37:18]  Right.
[01:37:19]  If you say, I want to sell out arenas, you might get to theaters.
[01:37:23]  Yeah.
[01:37:23]  And that's pretty fucking successful.
[01:37:24]  That's pretty cool.
[01:37:25]  Right?
[01:37:25]  Yeah.
[01:37:26]  But you got to go, like, dreams cost nothing.
[01:37:29]  You might as well just fucking dream.
[01:37:30]  Yeah.
[01:37:31]  I want to make a living to me who quit already.
[01:37:33]  Right.
[01:37:33]  You quit already.
[01:37:34]  I said that I wanted to get killed by the CIA, but I may settle for, I may settle for half a million YouTube subscribers.
[01:37:40]  Hey!
[01:37:44]  When Trump is gone, when he leaves, does he leave?
[01:37:47]  Or is he still like, obviously he'll leave, but like, is he still going to be a force?
[01:37:50]  Does he just go play golf?
[01:37:52]  What do you think he does?
[01:37:53]  Does he keep doing the rallies?
[01:37:54]  I'm curious.
[01:37:55]  It's hard.
[01:37:55]  He's the biggest star.
[01:37:57]  He is so talented.
[01:37:58]  He's so talented.
[01:37:59]  What is that called?
[01:37:59]  That's not stand-up, but what is what it is?
[01:38:02]  It doesn't have a name.
[01:38:03]  But is it like, are you emceeing?
[01:38:06]  Like, what is that skill that you're doing?
[01:38:08]  He's off the top.
[01:38:09]  He's riffing.
[01:38:10]  He's in the moment.
[01:38:11]  He's with his people.
[01:38:12]  He's just leading that cult.
[01:38:13]  Like, does he keep doing that?
[01:38:15]  Does he.
[01:38:15]  If it's that easy, how could you not?
[01:38:18]  Imagine stand-up.
[01:38:19]  I know.
[01:38:19]  Was that easy?
[01:38:20]  Was that easy?
[01:38:21]  Like, he is literally doing what every stand-up wishes stand-up was, which is, I'll go up there.
[01:38:27]  Just be me.
[01:38:28]  I'll be, I just talk.
[01:38:29]  You guys go crazy.
[01:38:31]  I don't have to think of these like brilliant, clever, like band switches and premises that are a genius.
[01:38:36]  Literally just say, what are the words you guys wanted me to say?
[01:38:38]  Right.
[01:38:39]  Lock her up.
[01:38:40]  Yeah, it goes crazy.
[01:38:41]  So it's like, how could you not do that?
[01:38:43]  Right.
[01:38:44]  The question is his age.
[01:38:47]  Don't you think his age plays a little?
[01:38:49]  It's high.
[01:38:50]  He's up there.
[01:38:51]  If he's 64, this guy's going to be a nuisance.
[01:38:53]  Yeah, but he's in his 70s.
[01:38:55]  Late 70s.
[01:38:55]  Yeah, it's getting there.
[01:38:56]  Do you want to do that?
[01:38:57]  Do you want to be on Adderall?
[01:38:58]  Certain point, you have to, you have to, you have to close it up.
[01:39:03]  Yeah.
[01:39:03]  Just for like life value.
[01:39:06]  Like, right.
[01:39:07]  Do you really want to like go through tweet all fucking day?
[01:39:10]  I think that he says no.
[01:39:11]  Right.
[01:39:11]  Now, if he's that much of a maniac, which all them are, that he's really thinking he's going to run again.
[01:39:16]  Right.
[01:39:18]  Then he's got to stay in.
[01:39:19]  I think he's just fronting like he's going to do it because he wants to have enough political leverage to get shit he wants.
[01:39:24]  Yeah, probably right.
[01:39:25]  Right.
[01:39:26]  Yeah, I don't think he's going to, he wants to run again.
[01:39:28]  I know somebody talks to him.
[01:39:29]  He does think he's running again.
[01:39:30]  He's not running again.
[01:39:31]  He's not running again.
[01:39:32]  But now, do you think they're going to lock him up?
[01:39:34]  No.
[01:39:35]  I agree.
[01:39:36]  They won't.
[01:39:36]  They don't want to tear the country apart.
[01:39:38]  Just go.
[01:39:39]  Not even tear the country apart.
[01:39:39]  It looks bad.
[01:39:40]  You can't lock up presidents.
[01:39:41]  You can't lock him up.
[01:39:42]  It's a bad bad.
[01:39:43]  Look for everyone in the world.
[01:39:44]  Yeah.
[01:39:44]  Just let it go.
[01:39:45]  Exactly.
[01:39:45]  You let it go.
[01:39:46]  Let's go.
[01:39:47]  Everything's cool.
[01:39:47]  It's like, oh, he's a crook.
[01:39:48]  It's like, that's why people like him.
[01:39:49]  Yeah.
[01:39:50]  You've identified why people like him.
[01:39:51]  They're all crooks.
[01:39:52]  You identify why he has a fan.
[01:39:54]  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
[01:39:55]  It's like crooks.
[01:39:56]  Yeah.
[01:39:56]  Who's not a crook?
[01:39:57]  Right.
[01:39:58]  Who's not a crook?
[01:39:59]  Not very.
[01:40:00]  Not that many.
[01:40:01]  But that's the thing.
[01:40:01]  Like, if we were crooks, we wouldn't be in entertainment.
[01:40:04]  No.
[01:40:04]  We'd be in politics.
[01:40:05]  Yeah, it's true.
[01:40:06]  Like, if you actually care about the world at all, I'm not saying we're fucking changing the world.
[01:40:11]  Like, I'm not like doing this narcissistic approach to content, right?
[01:40:15]  But like, I think that we have way more sway on the average person's thinking than a politician.
[01:40:23]  Like, what the fuck do they ever do?
[01:40:24]  They just do nothing.
[01:40:26]  Nothing.
[01:40:27]  The last time you were on Rogan, or not the last time, but a few times ago, you said Netflix going out of business.
[01:40:32]  Yes.
[01:40:32]  And now you have a show on Netflix.
[01:40:34]  Do you have any more predictions?
[01:40:35]  I'm a politician, baby.
[01:40:38]  Do you have any more predictions that might come true?
[01:40:42]  Like, do you want to?
[01:40:43]  Do you want to see that Amazon Prime's going out of business and in two years from now, you're like a huge deal?
[01:40:49]  You know more than most people.
[01:40:51]  Yeah.
[01:40:52]  What is it?
[01:40:52]  Fake business is your shirt, right?
[01:40:54]  Fake business.
[01:40:55]  I didn't understand modern capitalism, right?
[01:40:59]  I was approaching Netflix, right?
[01:41:01]  Like most businesses, where in order to stay around, you have to produce a profit.
[01:41:05]  No, it's fake.
[01:41:05]  I didn't realize this.
[01:41:07]  We're in the era of fake business.
[01:41:08]  So, so when I say that, I'm not just going out there like I joke around on the podcast, the 48 laws of power.
[01:41:15]  You got to stir up water to catch fish.
[01:41:16]  They're like, oh, this is all part of my grand plan.
[01:41:19]  No, it wasn't.
[01:41:20]  I literally was going, okay, if they haven't declared themselves that they're profiting off their business and they're about to lose the most watched shows.
[01:41:29]  Then it's a problem.
[01:41:30]  How the fuck are you going to stay in business?
[01:41:31]  Yeah, but.
[01:41:32]  Right.
[01:41:32]  And then I found out, oh, it's a stock scam.
[01:41:36]  It's a stock scam.
[01:41:37]  As long as the stock price is high, you don't, it's the same thing with Amazon.
[01:41:40]  They don't even make any money.
[01:41:41]  Sirius XM, Spotify, a lot of these major media operations are stock scams.
[01:41:46]  So when I find out that it's fake business, give me some money, baby.
[01:41:51]  Give me some money.
[01:41:53]  It's not a big deal.
[01:41:53]  Yeah, it's not a big deal.
[01:41:55]  That's just what it, that's just what it comes down to.
[01:41:57]  In all seriousness, I was like, when I found out that that's how these things work and that's how Uber works and that's how a lot of these like tech-based companies work, I was like, oh, I have to start thinking about, okay, this is very different.
[01:42:08]  Like when it goes public, public is just a way that the initial investors get to cash out.
[01:42:14]  It's quite fascinating how it works.
[01:42:17]  The whole idea of the stock market was raising money.
[01:42:20]  Right.
[01:42:20]  Right.
[01:42:20]  Now the fundraising happens first.
[01:42:23]  Right.
[01:42:24]  Sorry, that's the initial stock market, if you will.
[01:42:27]  Yes.
[01:42:27]  Then they cash out on the fucking dummies that go buy it on the stock market.
[01:42:32]  And then whatever happens to the company, they don't give a flying fuck.
[01:42:35]  It's the era of it's smoke and mirrors.
[01:42:37]  Yeah, exactly what it is.
[01:42:39]  Once I realized that, I was like, okay, this is the game.
[01:42:41]  There are so many people that value a streaming platform more than they value YouTube and social media.
[01:42:49]  Right.
[01:42:50]  You and I are entrenched in YouTube and social media, right?
[01:42:53]  Yeah.
[01:42:54]  So we value content.
[01:42:57]  I don't care what screen it's on.
[01:42:58]  Right.
[01:42:59]  I realized how valuable a name brand is to some people when I announced the Netflix thing and I had family members message me and they were like, congratulations on Netflix and your engagement.
[01:43:12]  And I was like, you didn't those two things in the same sense.
[01:43:16]  It's like, you knew I was engaged for a month.
[01:43:18]  Wow.
[01:43:18]  Yeah.
[01:43:19]  But that wasn't big enough.
[01:43:21]  And the engagement.
[01:43:22]  Yeah.
[01:43:22]  And then Netflix happened.
[01:43:23]  They were like, okay, I think I should do a little double congratulations.
[01:43:25]  Netflix has become a part of our vocabulary.
[01:43:28]  It's become a part of everything.
[01:43:30]  Netflix and chill, all that.
[01:43:32]  So for me, I just want to, I want to create stuff for the most people.
[01:43:35]  The people have always been my salvation.
[01:43:36]  So it's like, I want to be in front of the most people possible.
[01:43:40]  And if there's more people over there that I haven't touched it and I think that could really be interested in the content we're making, I want to do that.
[01:43:47]  Of course.
[01:43:48]  And honestly, I got to give credit where it's due.
[01:43:52]  These motherfuckers were cool with the content.
[01:43:55]  I thought it was going to be fun.
[01:43:55]  They were cool.
[01:43:56]  I thought it was going to be fun.
[01:43:57]  They just let me put out whatever.
[01:43:59]  Yeah.
[01:44:00]  Like they were so.
[01:44:01]  And I'm not saying my experience is going to be the average comics experience.
[01:44:04]  Like I came in with a lot of equity and it wasn't something I really like needed per se, but they were super supportive.
[01:44:11]  They, we went over budget.
[01:44:13]  They stepped in.
[01:44:15]  Yeah.
[01:44:15]  Like I feel like when execs do the right thing, you got to say complimentary shit.
[01:44:21]  Like the exec that let Ricky Gervais do that Golden Globes speech.
[01:44:25]  It's like, I don't know who that is, but we got to congratulate him because his shit is on the line too.

=== Focus Groups and Creative Freedom (13:51) ===

[01:44:30]  And also Netflix let Kevin Spacey direct the whole thing, which is Kevin Spacey directed the whole thing.
[01:44:36]  It is unbelievable.
[01:44:37]  Amazing.
[01:44:38]  And he is.
[01:44:39]  Let me tell you something about Kevin and his lap.
[01:44:41]  The guy will sit you down and he'll start just petting you, dude.
[01:44:45]  And like you, you'll feel insecure and he'll just pet you back into having that self-esteem that you need to save America.
[01:44:51]  You know what I mean?
[01:44:51]  Maybe Mark.
[01:44:52]  Shout out to Kevin, dude.
[01:44:53]  For real.
[01:44:54]  Yeah, Kevin's great.
[01:44:55]  I'll tell you this.
[01:44:56]  It's crazy to watch how much you've done in the span of time you've done it.
[01:45:00]  Because it's not, I mean, you've been doing comedy a long time, but you've been able to do a lot of really cool things in a span of years.
[01:45:07]  And it's like you're not rushing, but like you are, you're running at a pace of somebody who wants to really have a lot of things.
[01:45:17]  More so than just a comic, right?
[01:45:19]  Do you ever see yourself down the road with a platform, with a network, with a whatever it is?
[01:45:27]  Because you're running at the pace of somebody that wants more than just, and it's a compliment.
[01:45:32]  You seem to want more than just, I'm a great comedian.
[01:45:36]  Do you, you, you, you like helping people?
[01:45:38]  You like providing, you know, is there a version of Andrew Schultz down the road that has something that's bigger than just his own career that has kind of a movement, a culture, or whatever?
[01:45:49]  I bigger than career, sure, but not necessarily like a platform.
[01:45:53]  Like I, I, I got, I'm going to do a film one of these days.
[01:45:56]  Yeah.
[01:45:57]  I really want to create that.
[01:45:58]  And I want it to be like, I want to kind of create this like rat pack vibe.
[01:46:02]  Yeah.
[01:46:02]  You know what I mean?
[01:46:03]  Like I think that's what podcasts are in a lot of ways.
[01:46:04]  It's like we watch those movies, like the Oceans 11s movies.
[01:46:07]  Yeah, absolutely.
[01:46:08]  We're just watching characters hang out.
[01:46:09]  That's a podcast.
[01:46:10]  That's exactly what it is.
[01:46:11]  And like this is a podcast.
[01:46:13]  Absolutely.
[01:46:13]  Like we're just hanging, right?
[01:46:14]  And like, if we can, for me, what I would love to do is create that environment and then insert all of us into that environment as a film and then do that every couple years.
[01:46:23]  Like I think what I'll eventually do in my career is do less projects, but just kind of bigger projects.
[01:46:27]  Okay.
[01:46:28]  And then like everybody in that world, I want them to be, you know, millionaires and shit.
[01:46:34]  Again, it really is like what it used to be every man for himself.
[01:46:38]  It feels a lot less like that now.
[01:46:39]  That's the worst model.
[01:46:41]  The model is a team model, people helping each other out, not relying as much on people in the industry.
[01:46:48]  Although when you can collaborate and work with people that support you, that's great.
[01:46:52]  Build up enough equity so that you're doing the show you want to do with them.
[01:46:55]  Right.
[01:46:56]  And you need to build the equity up because why would they take a risk?
[01:47:00]  Why would they go out there and take a risk on you if you haven't proved it works?
[01:47:05]  Right.
[01:47:05]  Do you know what I mean?
[01:47:06]  Like, Chappelle, you know, God bless his soul.
[01:47:08]  He's whining about the deal that he got from Comedy Central.
[01:47:11]  It's like the guy didn't have a hit before that show.
[01:47:16]  Why would you get away?
[01:47:16]  It's also why would you pull a D, why would you pull a show off platforms where like people that just poor people want to watch your show?
[01:47:25]  They love your show.
[01:47:25]  Yeah, the whole thing is cockamame.
[01:47:27]  It's wild.
[01:47:27]  Yeah, yeah.
[01:47:28]  But it's like, I mean, as a creator, I support him getting all the rights in whatever way he wants to do.
[01:47:33]  Get it?
[01:47:33]  The way he's going about it is this corner to me, but he's like, I got to feel bad that you were bullied.
[01:47:37]  Well, we have him here.
[01:47:38]  Get him out.
[01:47:38]  Dave Shabbat.
[01:47:39]  Dave, come on out.
[01:47:39]  Come on out.
[01:47:42]  But it's like, yeah, so it's just like, I don't know.
[01:47:45]  I want to create that shit.
[01:47:47]  I want us to just, I just want us to run things and I want us to create really cool projects and I want us to have enough equity to like do the comedy that we want to do that the majority of people like and it's not infiltrated by fucking the bloggers or whatever like that.
[01:47:58]  Like I don't want you know I don't want to deal with that.
[01:48:01]  No one cares.
[01:48:01]  I mean no one cares.
[01:48:02]  No one cares.
[01:48:03]  No one cares.
[01:48:04]  I'd be upset if there weren't anything.
[01:48:06]  Yeah.
[01:48:07]  Yeah.
[01:48:07]  If you're not talking about me, I'm irrelevant.
[01:48:09]  Yeah.
[01:48:09]  So I need you to say bad things so that people watch it.
[01:48:12]  Yeah.
[01:48:13]  Yeah.
[01:48:13]  Imagine watching the thing that people go, it is a, it is just so much fun.
[01:48:17]  Or you know what it is?
[01:48:18]  The worst, the worst.
[01:48:20]  I think the worst thing you can say about anything is, what was that again?
[01:48:23]  Right.
[01:48:23]  You know what I mean?
[01:48:24]  Nobody knows what it is.
[01:48:25]  When does New York, find a couple of questions here about New York?
[01:48:28]  Because you're such a New York guy.
[01:48:29]  Do you ever leave New York?
[01:48:30]  And when do you think it comes back?
[01:48:32]  I think, and I'm, you know me, I'm very bullish on New York.
[01:48:36]  Right.
[01:48:36]  But like.
[01:48:37]  I was too, and then I left.
[01:48:38]  I know, and you have this like insane life here.
[01:48:40]  And don't get me wrong.
[01:48:41]  I come to your home and I go, this is nice.
[01:48:47]  Yeah.
[01:48:47]  You know, like my girl, I was telling you lives up in Santa Barbara.
[01:48:50]  Her family's from Santa Barbara and I'm seeing like the way that they live.
[01:48:53]  And it's just like, dude, I'd love to wake up and have a view of the water.
[01:48:57]  Yeah.
[01:48:57]  All these things.
[01:48:58]  Like, this is, I mean, this is fucking life.
[01:49:00]  Yeah.
[01:49:01]  And when comedy clubs and shit are shut down, you start going like, I could do that.
[01:49:06]  Right.
[01:49:06]  Right.
[01:49:07]  So I'm not against that, but I am in New York.
[01:49:10]  My studio's in New York.
[01:49:11]  My guys are in New York.
[01:49:12]  And it's like, I don't, at this point, I'm not ready to have the conversation where I force them to make a decision on where they want to go.
[01:49:18]  No, of course.
[01:49:19]  And you know, when I came to LA, I was really worried about, I just figure for whatever reason, I've adjusted here.
[01:49:28]  And I don't think LA is the spot really anymore.
[01:49:30]  Like it might be.
[01:49:31]  I hope it is.
[01:49:32]  I'm here for another year.
[01:49:33]  We'll see.
[01:49:33]  I don't know where the spot's going to be.
[01:49:35]  That's where the talent is.
[01:49:36]  That's where the talent is.
[01:49:37]  If we want to move to Tallahassee, that's the right.
[01:49:40]  I agree.
[01:49:40]  I agree with you.
[01:49:41]  So it's just like, we're the gravity.
[01:49:43]  Yeah.
[01:49:43]  And we're going to make cool shit.
[01:49:45]  Yeah.
[01:49:45]  And like, who knows what happens with stand-up?
[01:49:48]  I think what you're doing right now is just like, that's what I'm telling my girl.
[01:49:50]  I'm like, yo, let's rent a place.
[01:49:52]  Literally what you've done.
[01:49:53]  You're like, what, like two months ahead of me?
[01:49:56]  Like, you rent an insane place.
[01:49:58]  Not even two months.
[01:49:59]  Or a month ahead of me.
[01:50:00]  Like, you rent an insane place.
[01:50:01]  Yeah.
[01:50:02]  It's expensive.
[01:50:03]  It's not.
[01:50:04]  But you should aspire to have a place like this.
[01:50:06]  Yeah.
[01:50:06]  Yeah.
[01:50:06]  Create.
[01:50:07]  You're there for a year.
[01:50:08]  We don't know what the world looks like in a year.
[01:50:09]  We don't.
[01:50:10]  If everything snaps back, you're like, ooh, I'm in LA, baby, and I got my great place.
[01:50:14]  If it doesn't, you're like, okay, maybe I move to some place that has the perfect environment that I want to create.
[01:50:18]  This is the other thing.
[01:50:19]  I'm here for a year.
[01:50:21]  And the reason that we got the house is we could put a studio.
[01:50:23]  We want to put a really cool studio here.
[01:50:25]  We put a cool studio in.
[01:50:28]  And I want to do other things.
[01:50:30]  We're doing other types of shows.
[01:50:31]  We're going to do stuff with social media people, which is going to be interesting.
[01:50:34]  Right.
[01:50:34]  Because I'm outside of that world a little bit.
[01:50:36]  We're going to start doing stuff with people that I wouldn't work with necessarily.
[01:50:40]  You should.
[01:50:41]  But I should.
[01:50:41]  Yeah, why not?
[01:50:42]  And we're going to figure all that out.
[01:50:44]  And I think that it's going to be like, it's an adventure.
[01:50:47]  There are so few certainties right now.
[01:50:52]  Everything is up in the air.
[01:50:53]  But that's kind of where guys like us thrive.
[01:50:55]  Yeah.
[01:50:56]  That's why I don't mind it.
[01:50:57]  I don't mind it.
[01:50:58]  I actually like it.
[01:50:59]  I don't mind it.
[01:51:01]  Final question.
[01:51:03]  Yeah.
[01:51:03]  I just want to say, like, I knew we were going to win the pandemic.
[01:51:08]  Yeah.
[01:51:08]  I knew this.
[01:51:09]  Well, I appreciate it.
[01:51:10]  But I knew this.
[01:51:11]  Yes.
[01:51:11]  At the beginning.
[01:51:12]  Yeah.
[01:51:13]  I knew this.
[01:51:13]  Yeah.
[01:51:14]  I would not be surprised if we didn't have text message conversations about this.
[01:51:18]  We probably did.
[01:51:19]  It's just, and what is two sociopaths just going, we're going to win the pandemic?
[01:51:23]  Yeah.
[01:51:23]  Like the news being like, there's another mobile movie.
[01:51:26]  400,000 people died.
[01:51:27]  Like, we're going to win this.
[01:51:29]  And I'm like, I agree.
[01:51:30]  TED videos pop.
[01:51:32]  It sounds crazy.
[01:51:34]  But at the same time, like when there's chaos, certain people can thrive in that.
[01:51:40]  Right.
[01:51:40]  Because chaos, one.
[01:51:43]  What about the people that took this period off?
[01:51:46]  Pussy.
[01:51:47]  Yeah.
[01:51:48]  Pussy.
[01:51:49]  What about the people that left the places and went like people that just didn't fight this out?
[01:51:58]  Does that say something about their character?
[01:52:00]  There's a difference between leaving.
[01:52:01]  There's a difference between leaving and not fighting.
[01:52:05]  Okay.
[01:52:05]  Because I think LA is horrible the way that this is.
[01:52:08]  Oh, so it's a horrible place.
[01:52:09]  Everything's fucking closed.
[01:52:10]  It's horrible.
[01:52:11]  It's horrible when it's open.
[01:52:12]  No.
[01:52:12]  You see when it's open?
[01:52:14]  I think.
[01:52:15]  Maybe worse.
[01:52:15]  Like, you can't live here.
[01:52:17]  Everything closed down.
[01:52:18]  Even though, like, you and I are from New York.
[01:52:20]  Yeah.
[01:52:21]  They said they've been closing things down forever.
[01:52:22]  I can go get a burger place if I want.
[01:52:24]  They literally said, I'm not going to say the place, but like a very nice restaurant in New York.
[01:52:30]  I had a party of like 12 people.
[01:52:32]  We're all good because we're getting tested for Netflix.
[01:52:34]  Right.
[01:52:35]  I know literally everybody does not have Corona.
[01:52:38]  Right.
[01:52:39]  For a fact.
[01:52:40]  Of course.
[01:52:40]  So we're having a little celebration.
[01:52:42]  I look at certain people where I go, like, I was like, I feel like some people rose to the occasion in terms of just working.
[01:52:48]  Yeah.
[01:52:48]  Just work.
[01:52:49]  I love working, right?
[01:52:50]  Yeah.
[01:52:50]  I was a drug addict.
[01:52:51]  So if I'm not working, I'm in trouble.
[01:52:53]  Doing drugs.
[01:52:54]  Correct.
[01:52:55]  So at the end of the day, I just look at certain people and I go, and I get it if you're a young comic.
[01:52:58]  I get it.
[01:52:59]  I get like, no.
[01:53:00]  I don't get that.
[01:53:01]  Yeah, you're right.
[01:53:01]  The point I was thinking about the restaurant is.
[01:53:03]  Good point.
[01:53:03]  You're not wrong.
[01:53:05]  They said under 10 people.
[01:53:06]  Yeah.
[01:53:06]  It has to be under 10 people.
[01:53:07]  I call the guy.
[01:53:08]  I'm like, hey, I got 12 people.
[01:53:09]  Can we do this?
[01:53:10]  Of course.
[01:53:10]  That's New York.
[01:53:11]  Everything's negotiable.
[01:53:12]  It's negotiable.
[01:53:13]  Everything's negotiable.
[01:53:13]  So it's like, do people think, oh, New York is all shut down?
[01:53:16]  Nothing's shut down.
[01:53:16]  I get a slice of pizza for my cigarette.
[01:53:18]  Whatever.
[01:53:18]  But the same thing, it's like, yo, if you're a young comic and you're getting paid by the government to not do anything and you're fucking shit, you're crazy.
[01:53:25]  You're so fucking nuts, dude.
[01:53:27]  Yeah, which is I'm proud of the dudes that I work with.
[01:53:29]  You know, Ben always, you know, that kid Dan that opens for me was out there in Florida making stuff.
[01:53:33]  Like when you see people making stuff, it's positive.
[01:53:37]  Ben works his ass off all the time, like to just make this show better.
[01:53:41]  This whole studio is him.
[01:53:42]  I have nothing to do with this studio.
[01:53:44]  Literally, I mean, I walked in, I saw it.
[01:53:45]  I'm like, it's amazing.
[01:53:46]  I have nothing to do with this studio.
[01:53:48]  Yeah, I mean, Ben coordinated this entire thing.
[01:53:52]  So it's like, just find, I think, a way to work.
[01:53:56]  Yeah.
[01:53:56]  And don't wait.
[01:53:57]  Like, there's too many people right now that are like waiting.
[01:53:59]  They're like waiting for someone to open the barn door.
[01:54:02]  It's like, guys, we're good.
[01:54:03]  Like, they get upset at us, I think, a lot of times.
[01:54:07]  And it's, I think it's because they don't like the fact that we took our career in our own hands.
[01:54:14]  Right.
[01:54:15]  And I think it kills them that they exist on the charity of others.
[01:54:18]  Yes.
[01:54:18]  Where we exist on connectivity of people.
[01:54:22]  Like, my career is because people fuck with me.
[01:54:25]  And that's always been the way it was.
[01:54:26]  That's it.
[01:54:27]  Like, if I ever was on a show, the executives never really liked me.
[01:54:30]  They would test it.
[01:54:31]  You know what?
[01:54:32]  It's called like focus group or something.
[01:54:33]  Yeah, yeah, focus group.
[01:54:34]  They'd focus group it.
[01:54:35]  And then like, I do really well.
[01:54:36]  And they're like, oh, I guess people like this kid.
[01:54:38]  Right.
[01:54:38]  Right.
[01:54:38]  So for me, put me in front of the people.
[01:54:41]  Give me the people.
[01:54:42]  That's all I care about.
[01:54:43]  I want to say, especially with the fucking Netflix thing, like I want to express what I think most people are actually feeling and nobody's fucking saying or very few of us are saying.
[01:54:52]  And it's like, that's where I put my faith in.
[01:54:55]  I literally put my faith in people.
[01:54:56]  I have tons of faith in people.
[01:54:58]  Yeah.
[01:54:59]  I don't, but they find me funny, and that's okay.
[01:55:02]  Like, I'm not saying that.
[01:55:04]  Yeah.
[01:55:05]  Yeah.
[01:55:05]  And they find you.
[01:55:06]  No, but in a way, I do.
[01:55:07]  Because they finance, they fund things.
[01:55:09]  Like, listen, at the end of the day, I do think people can recognize funny.
[01:55:15]  Yes.
[01:55:16]  And I think they can recognize funny.
[01:55:17]  And like being authentic.
[01:55:18]  Yeah.
[01:55:19]  It's like people, I don't know.
[01:55:20]  It's not that fucking hard.
[01:55:21]  People act like being like.
[01:55:23]  like a talent exec is a hard job.
[01:55:25]  It's like we make it.
[01:55:27]  It's not a hard job at all.
[01:55:28]  Yeah.
[01:55:28]  It's like I could tell you're funny.
[01:55:30]  Like when I saw the videos, I was like, oh yeah, this guy's funny.
[01:55:33]  You know what I mean?
[01:55:34]  Yeah.
[01:55:34]  Brian Long, we were talking about funny kid.
[01:55:37]  Like I could tell he's got it.
[01:55:38]  You got it.
[01:55:38]  So it's like, and then I see certain people and I go, you're trying really hard.
[01:55:41]  You don't have it yet.
[01:55:42]  Maybe you won't ever get it.
[01:55:43]  But you might get it.
[01:55:44]  But you might get it, but you don't have it yet.
[01:55:46]  Yeah.
[01:55:46]  And that's just what it is.
[01:55:47]  What's the, see that?
[01:55:48]  So that's interesting, maybe to end on.
[01:55:50]  What is the differential between eventually getting it and never getting it?
[01:55:55]  And is it even something that we even know?
[01:55:59]  Is it just an unknown?
[01:56:00]  I think it's like, I think some people have something that is that almost everybody can attach onto.
[01:56:09]  It's like lizard.
[01:56:11]  There's like a lizard quality to it where it's just like, oh, this is funny.
[01:56:15]  Like fucking, what is his name?
[01:56:17]  Chris Farley or whatever like that.
[01:56:18]  Like he had a lizard funny.
[01:56:20]  Yeah.
[01:56:20]  I don't think he said a single setup punch in his life.
[01:56:23]  Never.
[01:56:24]  But when he did things, it was funny.
[01:56:27]  Amazing.
[01:56:27]  And you laugh.
[01:56:28]  Right.
[01:56:28]  And it's lizard.
[01:56:29]  You know what I mean?
[01:56:30]  Primal shit.
[01:56:31]  So some of us have it.
[01:56:33]  See, like Eddie Murphy, people like that too.
[01:56:34]  Lizard.
[01:56:35]  Primal.
[01:56:36]  Right?
[01:56:36]  Like Bernie Mac.
[01:56:38]  Primal.
[01:56:38]  Right?
[01:56:40]  So it's like some of us have a primal connectivity.
[01:56:43]  Right.
[01:56:44]  Some people will have 60,000 fans that really relate to their specific experience.
[01:56:50]  And having that fan base has never existed in history except right now.
[01:56:54]  Maybe with Colts now.
[01:56:55]  So like you might not have it where the world will gravitate to you.
[01:57:00]  There's only a few of us that are going to have that.
[01:57:02]  But you have the opportunity with the internet to find the other 60,000 people who have existed in life just like you and you're speaking for them.
[01:57:10]  Right.
[01:57:11]  And that has never existed before.
[01:57:13]  And now it has.
[01:57:14]  So it's just like, figure it out.
[01:57:16]  Yeah.
[01:57:16]  Find those fucking funny people.
[01:57:17]  Find the people.
[01:57:18]  Find the fucking people.
[01:57:20]  Yeah.
[01:57:20]  So to me, that's why it gets annoying if I hear bitching about shit.
[01:57:23]  Yeah, there's enough avenues out there.
[01:57:25]  This comes out when?
[01:57:26]  Christmas or something?
[01:57:27]  The 26th.
[01:57:28]  Yeah.
[01:57:29]  Yeah.
[01:57:29]  The day after Christmas.
[01:57:30]  So New Year's is coming.
[01:57:31]  Yeah.
[01:57:32]  What do you, what do you say?
[01:57:34]  Yeah.
[01:57:36]  You say 2020 was crazy year.
[01:57:40]  Yeah.
[01:57:41]  Very good for you.
[01:57:41]  Good for me.
[01:57:43]  Bad for many.
[01:57:44]  Bad for many.
[01:57:45]  Yeah.
[01:57:45]  But isn't that every year?
[01:57:47]  This one's a little, this was a little extreme.
[01:57:50]  It's a little extreme.
[01:57:51]  I guess it is.
[01:57:53]  2021.
[01:57:55]  Yeah.
[01:57:55]  What are we thinking?
[01:57:57]  Okay, so what is it?
[01:57:58]  Like every correction is an overcorrection, I think, is that what they say?
[01:58:02]  Yes.
[01:58:02]  So if every correction is an overcorrection, are we over correcting joy?
[01:58:08]  So like, if this, this year was over correcting sadness.
[01:58:12]  Yeah.
[01:58:13]  And is next year like, we're just going to lean into the things that make us feel good?
[01:58:17]  Yeah.
[01:58:17]  And is it too much even?
[01:58:19]  And then maybe 2022, we start going.

=== Leaning Into Joy in 2022 (01:26) ===

[01:58:21]  Let's, let's even, I got a reason.
[01:58:25]  You said something brilliant.
[01:58:26]  Like, what?
[01:58:27]  This is too much joy.
[01:58:29]  I think you said something brilliant in the beginning.
[01:58:30]  It's going to be a week of like, whoa, whoa.
[01:58:33]  And then calling old friends.
[01:58:34]  Like, I think people are going to call old friends and then you're going to be at lunch with them going, man, I liked when we couldn't legally do this.
[01:58:41]  Yeah.
[01:58:42]  You know, like, I appreciate it.
[01:58:43]  Tell everyone, and they follow you already anyway, but tell people where to go and get this issue saves America on Netflix.
[01:58:50]  Yeah, check it out on Netflix and that'd be great, man.
[01:58:52]  There's a conspiracy theories episode that I really wanted you to see and just see what you thought.
[01:58:58]  I'm going to watch it.
[01:58:59]  I'm excited.
[01:59:00]  I know that.
[01:59:01]  That's the second episode, but we would always call Tim and ask him.
[01:59:04]  I love when you call because I love just talking.
[01:59:07]  And you know this really well.
[01:59:08]  I know a lot of it.
[01:59:09]  You know it in a funny way, too.
[01:59:10]  That's another thing.
[01:59:11]  Some conspiracy folks, like, they're too intense.
[01:59:14]  Yeah, it's just.
[01:59:14]  My conspiracy is like late night Wendy's parking lot.
[01:59:17]  Like that's really what it was.
[01:59:19]  Like me and my friends coming down, smoking weed, just eating Wendy's and talking shit.
[01:59:24]  And you got to make people laugh.
[01:59:25]  If you want their attention, got to make them laugh.
[01:59:28]  Yeah.
[01:59:28]  And that's what Trump, that's what Trump did.
[01:59:31]  He got our attention by making us laugh.
[01:59:33]  Yes.
[01:59:34]  That was comedy.
[01:59:35]  So it's like, I mean, that's the other thing.
[01:59:37]  And in closing, it's like, if you're out there and you don't have somebody's attention, fucking make them laugh.
[01:59:42]  Make them laugh?
[01:59:42]  And you'll get their attention.
[01:59:44]  Andrew Schultz, thank you.
[01:59:45]  Congrats on everyone.
[01:59:46]  Once again, thank you.
[01:59:46]  Thanks for having me, brother.
[01:59:47]  Thank you.