The Tim Dillon Show - 229 - Blankets and Bug Chasers
Aired: 2020-12-06
Duration: 01:16:45


=== Tim Is Candace Owens' Father (02:04) ===

[00:00:26]  Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dylan show.
[00:00:30]  I am Tim Dylan, comedian member of the media and the father of Candace Owens' child.
[00:00:37]  And I did not announce that when she was on, but I feel like it's time to come clean with you and let you know that the child that Candace Owens will be having is mine.
[00:00:50]  Ben, by the way, a lot of people, not really, four, were angry about Candace coming on the show.
[00:00:59]  And they said, I didn't push back enough, which I did.
[00:01:02]  But you know who did no pushback?
[00:01:06]  Ben.
[00:01:07]  Ben said nothing the entire interview.
[00:01:11]  He wasn't even on screen.
[00:01:14]  Okay.
[00:01:15]  And I don't platform anyone.
[00:01:17]  He runs the tech.
[00:01:18]  He chose to platform Candace Owens and say nothing.
[00:01:23]  Not one rebuttal.
[00:01:26]  I thought he booked Megan the Stallion.
[00:01:30]  I was shocked that Candace Owens was on the show.
[00:01:34]  I apologize.
[00:01:36]  It was very tough to hear for many people.
[00:01:42]  My aunt, who is a liberal, heard the episode.
[00:01:46]  And you know what she did?
[00:01:47]  What?
[00:01:48]  Shot herself.
[00:01:50]  She shot herself in the face after she heard the episode.
[00:02:00]  And I feel.
[00:02:01]  So, what was that thing on the Legion of Skank subreddit you read about my stepmother?
[00:02:06]  Oh, supposedly, it's like folklore on that subreddit that someone showed up to your stepmother's house and said, Hi, I'm a fan of Tim Dylan.
[00:02:13]  And she got really mad.
[00:02:14]  And what do they get for that clout?
[00:02:16]  I think that's clout.
[00:02:17]  Yeah.
[00:02:18]  Hey, if you want, that's clout saying I'm a fan of Tim.
[00:02:22]  If you want clout, kill her.
[00:02:25]  You want real clout?
[00:02:28]  Kill her.
[00:02:30]  I'm kidding.

=== The Legion of Skank Subreddit (11:05) ===

[00:02:31]  It's the holidays.
[00:02:33]  It's the holidays in LA, and the decorations are out, and you can't see them.
[00:02:37]  And if you try to see them, you'll be in jail.
[00:02:40]  I don't know why we've even put the decorations up this year.
[00:02:45]  Let's skip it.
[00:02:47]  Let's skip it.
[00:02:50]  If you drive down Sunset Boulevard to West Hollywood, there are actually decorations and no people.
[00:02:56]  It is such a haunting scene.
[00:03:00]  And then there's all these lines of COVID tests.
[00:03:03]  Everybody's getting tested for COVID in their car.
[00:03:07]  It looks like in and out, but everybody's getting a Q-tip up the nose to see if they have SARS-CoV 2, the coronavirus.
[00:03:19]  What a shitty way to spend a day.
[00:03:23]  You know?
[00:03:24]  Man, I was watching that comedy store documentary the other day and on Showtime.
[00:03:35]  And there are parts of it that are well done.
[00:03:38]  And then there are parts of it where you go, huh?
[00:03:43]  So the episode I watched last night, they gave Whitney Rogan, Burr, Leno, Annie Letterman, and they all take COVID tests.
[00:03:53]  They all have masks on and they have COVID tests.
[00:03:56]  And then they sit down.
[00:03:58]  And Mike Binder, who did the documentary, by the way, it's like about him.
[00:04:01]  It's like about him.
[00:04:04]  It's like, what's going on?
[00:04:06]  He's like, yeah, it's mostly about my journey with splashes of Kinnison here and there, a little prior, but more me.
[00:04:13]  They're all sitting outside.
[00:04:15]  And I'm not bitter that I'm not in it.
[00:04:17]  I've seen it now.
[00:04:17]  Now I'm like, kind of like that.
[00:04:19]  I'm not in it, but I got passed at the comp, don't be nervous.
[00:04:22]  I got passed at the comedy.
[00:04:23]  I don't care if I ever do this again for a living.
[00:04:25]  I truly don't.
[00:04:27]  I truly, truly don't.
[00:04:28]  I truly don't.
[00:04:31]  I was passed at the comedy store about, which I love.
[00:04:37]  I love the store.
[00:04:38]  I was passed like a few weeks after this happened.
[00:04:41]  You know, after the whole thing was shot with the majority of it.
[00:04:44]  But they shot a scene where everybody gets COVID tested.
[00:04:48]  And so apparently it's in the midst of a pandemic.
[00:04:52]  And then Mike Binder looks at everybody and goes, what's going on with PC culture?
[00:04:59]  And I'm like, what in the fuck are you talking about?
[00:05:03]  The biggest event, a seismic event, an asteroid that hit live performance harder than anything.
[00:05:13]  This guy's going, what do you think about PC culture?
[00:05:17]  And then there's comedians.
[00:05:19]  By the way, everyone in that documentary is like 75.
[00:05:23]  I got to be honest.
[00:05:25]  I got to be honest.
[00:05:28]  You start looking around, you're going, I don't know.
[00:05:31]  It doesn't feel that hot.
[00:05:33]  Stand-up don't feel that hot right now.
[00:05:36]  It's like, it's all like elderly people telling you, well, when I was a youth, it's like, it's not it.
[00:05:46]  And I love stand-up and I love doing it and I'll keep doing it.
[00:05:49]  But part of the reason why I like it is it is a dead art.
[00:05:52]  Okay.
[00:05:53]  And that documentary, I mean, Christ.
[00:05:59]  It's just, it's a museum.
[00:06:00]  It's a mausoleum in there.
[00:06:04]  I mean, it's a mausoleum.
[00:06:07]  I mean, I was watching it with a friend who's a fan of everybody, and they're like, here's the question.
[00:06:14]  I love comedy.
[00:06:15]  Comics are more talented inherently than TikTok people.
[00:06:19]  But is a documentary about the TikTok kids more interesting?
[00:06:23]  Yes.
[00:06:24]  And I like that you didn't hesitate.
[00:06:26]  Is a documentary about the kids on TikTok more interesting than somebody being like, it's just a joke.
[00:06:34]  No one cares about PC.
[00:06:36]  Guys, it's not even real.
[00:06:38]  I had Candace on.
[00:06:39]  People were mad at me, but nobody's trying to cancel me.
[00:06:41]  It doesn't, it's over.
[00:06:43]  No one cares.
[00:06:46]  And it's still like this narrative that people keep bringing up.
[00:06:49]  It makes stand-ups look weak.
[00:06:51]  You look weak when you whine.
[00:06:55]  Just say it and step back.
[00:06:58]  When I was fighting with people on Twitter about the Candace Owens thing, I was fighting because I had a point.
[00:07:04]  I had a point and they had a point.
[00:07:07]  Whatever their point was, whatever my point was.
[00:07:09]  But I don't care that you're mad.
[00:07:12]  I knew you were going to be mad when we had her on the show.
[00:07:16]  That's part of the fun.
[00:07:19]  You see?
[00:07:21]  I'm not bringing on a history teacher who no one knows or cares about.
[00:07:25]  I'm bringing on a woman who's going to ruffle a few feathers.
[00:07:30]  So this whining weak piece, it's just got, every podcast has been about this and only this.
[00:07:40]  So I watched it for a few minutes and then I had to turn that off.
[00:07:45]  It's the joke.
[00:07:48]  You got Jay Leno up there being like, it's the duke.
[00:07:51]  What are we doing?
[00:07:53]  What's going on here?
[00:07:54]  Who cares?
[00:07:56]  I don't care.
[00:07:57]  Enough with the legends.
[00:07:58]  Enough with the legend.
[00:07:59]  Don't you want to kill these people?
[00:08:04]  Do these people die?
[00:08:06]  Do they ever go away?
[00:08:10]  Half of these motherfuckers have not been funny in forever.
[00:08:14]  Forever.
[00:08:16]  And we all have to sit there like they're fucking Christ.
[00:08:19]  They climbed down off the cross and we got to wash their feet and annoy.
[00:08:22]  It's enough is enough already.
[00:08:24]  And I respect them.
[00:08:26]  And, you know, I respect the roads they paved so that I may have drive down them.
[00:08:34]  But we got to be funny here.
[00:08:37]  Doesn't everyone remember that?
[00:08:39]  We got to be a little funny.
[00:08:41]  We can't just sit around on a trillion dollars.
[00:08:45]  They should make chairs made of money when they ask these people's opinion.
[00:08:49]  They should have to sit in a chair of money and go, get the paja.
[00:08:56]  They should have to take the money out of their bank and make a couch of it.
[00:09:00]  And we're making money.
[00:09:02]  We're not shitting on people that make money.
[00:09:04]  But it's like it's a pandemic.
[00:09:05]  There's all this shit to talk about.
[00:09:07]  Nobody cares about PC culture.
[00:09:09]  Nobody gives a shit.
[00:09:11]  Enough.
[00:09:12]  Pipe down.
[00:09:18]  Go down to Comedy and Magic Club.
[00:09:20]  Tell everybody, you know, tell everybody that.
[00:09:22]  The PC culture.
[00:09:25]  You can wade through an anti-mask protest on the way in there down in Hermosa Beach.
[00:09:33]  The LA lockdown's confusing because you're not supposed to leave your house, but the McRibb is back.
[00:09:38]  It's odd.
[00:09:40]  It's a strange thing.
[00:09:41]  Go down and let's see what we can do and what we can't do because I don't even know.
[00:09:46]  Non-essential travel of any kind is banned.
[00:09:52]  That word essential is a very subjective word.
[00:09:56]  Closure of all on-site restaurants, though takeout delivery remains open.
[00:10:00]  Personal services, hair salines, barbershops are closed.
[00:10:03]  Essential retail open.
[00:10:07]  Okay.
[00:10:08]  Parks and beaches remain open for activities, but no gatherings.
[00:10:11]  Go alone.
[00:10:14]  Schools following protocols can remain open if they have a state waiver.
[00:10:26]  People are like, the lockdown's not going to do enough.
[00:10:28]  It's not severe enough.
[00:10:29]  What do you want?
[00:10:30]  The tanks in the street?
[00:10:33]  So there are several exemptions.
[00:10:35]  Faith-based outdoor services and the homeless.
[00:10:39]  I don't even know what that means.
[00:10:40]  By the way, this is not the new studio.
[00:10:42]  The new studio is being built.
[00:10:43]  Yes.
[00:10:44]  It's going to be very exciting.
[00:10:45]  You're going to love it.
[00:10:46]  It's going to be great.
[00:10:49]  This made me laugh the other day.
[00:10:50]  Get this up.
[00:10:51]  Josh Richards, who's a TikTok kid who we like because he's industrious, is handing out blankets to the homeless.
[00:10:58]  And I think he's an investor in the blanket company where he's handing out blankets to the homeless.
[00:11:05]  And that's kind of funny.
[00:11:10]  Can we play this?
[00:11:11]  I mean, I don't think we can.
[00:11:12]  Can we?
[00:11:13]  Without volume, I think we can because there's probably music in this.
[00:11:18]  See, we have a plan.
[00:11:20]  Everyone says LA doesn't have a plan.
[00:11:22]  It's right here.
[00:11:23]  I think Gavin Newsome is doing a great job.
[00:11:25]  What's the price?
[00:11:26]  The plan right here.
[00:11:28]  The TikTok kids are giving blankets to the homeless people.
[00:11:31]  Is that not a plan?
[00:11:33]  I think it's great.
[00:11:36]  Now, go find out if he owns.
[00:11:39]  I think he owns a part of the blanket company.
[00:11:41]  I think he said on his Twitter, which is great because as you're giving the blankets to the homeless, you're kind of also selling them and going, hey, if you scratch a few dollars together, you might want to think about purchasing one of these.
[00:11:56]  You might want to think about getting involved, but this seems like a great plan.
[00:12:02]  Remember when I joked around?
[00:12:04]  This is why I should never joke because everything I say comes true.
[00:12:07]  Remember when I said this was months ago, that if you were during this economy, you couldn't rely on the government, you had to hope that David Dobrik shot you with a potato gun or that Jeffree Star decided to put $5,000 in your account on Venmo.
[00:12:22]  Remember when I said that you were only going to be relying on influencers?
[00:12:26]  I said that, and I said it as a bit.
[00:12:29]  It is now a reality.
[00:12:31]  If you are homeless in Los Angeles, hopefully your needs dovetail with an influencer's publicity campaign.
[00:12:40]  Hopefully you get chosen to be one of the people handed out a product.
[00:12:46]  That's all you got now.
[00:12:48]  Good luck.
[00:12:49]  Good luck getting anybody else interested.
[00:12:52]  These guys are walking around handing out.
[00:12:55]  He goes like this.
[00:12:56]  This is like the funniest.
[00:12:58]  I mean, I just, folks, you got to laugh.
[00:13:00]  And this kid, like, I don't hate the kid at all, but I would do shit like, like, if I was him, I'm not going to be him, but if I was him, I would do shit like this.
[00:13:10]  He's like, he goes, I am pleased to announce that I'm joining Unhide, whatever that means, as co-creative director, as an investor, and a partner in the company I believe will change the world.
[00:13:18]  I hope through my actions I can expire Generation Z to take on the issue of animal efficacy, right?
[00:13:26]  And join me in my mission to create a national conversation about it.
[00:13:29]  So what is that?
[00:13:29]  The blanket company?
[00:13:30]  Yeah, I believe so.
[00:13:32]  And what is the blanket company?
[00:13:33]  So I think they don't use animal fur like they don't.
[00:13:36]  So it's awesome.

=== Rema 1000 Chicken Welfare (03:38) ===

[00:13:37]  Well, that's what the homeless are concerned about.
[00:13:40]  Here's a blanket, and there were no animals made.
[00:13:43]  The homeless are like, can you get some animals and cook them and bring them to me?
[00:13:48]  Oh, folks, folks, it doesn't get better than this, huh?
[00:13:53]  This is Ellen DeGeneres's faux fur brand.
[00:13:59]  This is Ellen DeGeneres' faux fur brand.
[00:14:02]  So you know what it is.
[00:14:03]  It is not made out of animal products.
[00:14:05]  It's made from the hair of her interns, which she plucks out one by one when they're late.
[00:14:11]  So Ellen DeGeneres, who's, as we've covered, runs an Abu Ghraib-style torture prison at her show, is now making blankets out of her interns' body hair, which are being handed out to homeless people by Josh Richards and the TikTok kids.
[00:14:28]  That's what I'm hearing.
[00:14:30]  And I'm for it.
[00:14:32]  I'm not against any part of it.
[00:14:34]  Every mechanism there I think is working the way it should work.
[00:14:38]  If I was homeless and I saw two kids in beanies, cool little young kids come up to me and gave me a blanket and they said, by the way, this is no animals used.
[00:14:47]  And hey, here's a gift from Ellen.
[00:14:50]  I'd say thank you.
[00:14:52]  Here's a gift from Ellen.
[00:14:54]  So that's what, that's, that's the LA homelessness thing here.
[00:14:59]  Don't worry about it.
[00:15:03]  I hope everybody is as excited about this as I am in this city, this rapidly crumbling metropolis.
[00:15:14]  We will break the sending.
[00:15:16]  No, wait, it was a mistake.
[00:15:18]  Sending is actually the whole thing.
[00:15:21]  Pro-Frakt is to ensure that the company has access to Norges' lead-to-frakt-avtals.
[00:15:25]  So we don't break the sending.
[00:15:27]  We will break the sending.
[00:15:29]  No, back to sending.
[00:15:35]  And remember Pro-Frakt.
[00:15:39]  We in Rema 1000 have made it easier to be a kylling.
[00:15:42]  All our kylling vows, namely, saktere.
[00:15:44]  And we get more time and place to bruse them in fjæra.
[00:15:47]  And then it's easier for you to choose kylling.
[00:15:50]  Oh!
[00:15:51]  Enten du vil ha kvalitetsmerkestange, bestselleren Solvinge eller Prima lavpris.
[00:15:56]  Rema-priser med bedre dyrevelferd inkludert.
[00:15:59]  Så slipper du å tenke på det.
[00:16:01]  Ja, det enkle er ofte det beste.
[00:16:04]  Rema 1000, alltid lave priser.
[00:16:11]  Vi avbryter denne sendingen.
[00:16:13]  Nei, vent, det ble feil.
[00:16:15]  Sending er jo faktisk hele greia vår.
[00:16:18]  Pro-Frakt sørger for at bedrifter får tilgang til Norges ledende fraktavtaler.
[00:16:22]  Så teknisk sett avbryter vi jo ikke sendingen.
[00:16:24]  Vi muliggjør sendingen.
[00:16:27]  Uansett, tilbake til sendingen.
[00:16:32]  Og husk Pro-Frakt da.
[00:16:33]  Vi i Rema 1000 har gjort det enklere å være kylling.
[00:16:40]  All vår kylling vokser nemlig saktere.
[00:16:42]  Og får mer tid og plass til å bruse med fjæra.
[00:16:45]  Og da blir det enklere for deg å velge kylling.
[00:16:48]  Enten du vil ha kvalitetsmerkestange, bestselleren Solvinge eller Prima lavpris.
[00:16:53]  Rema priser med bedre dyrevelferd inkludert.
[00:16:56]  Så slipper du å tenke på det.
[00:16:58]  Ja, det enkle er ofte det beste.
[00:17:00]  Rema 1000.
[00:17:02]  Altid lave priser.
[00:17:03]  Løs.
[00:17:06]  So, I watched this show on Netflix the other day, Nate.
[00:17:09]  It's a one-woman show by Natalie Palmedes, who's a very talented comedian.

=== Toxic Gray Areas in Life (09:01) ===

[00:17:15]  I didn't go through the whole show, so I don't want to comment on the show.
[00:17:19]  Some people will love it, some people won't.
[00:17:21]  It's a one-woman show.
[00:17:26]  She's dressed up there as her character, Nate.
[00:17:29]  And the whole show is about consent.
[00:17:31]  This is the confused.
[00:17:34]  There's like a scene where she's got a mannequin on the floor, yeah, and she's it's about toxic masculinity.
[00:17:40]  The whole show, by the way, every man I know, every straight man I know is like weeping openly.
[00:17:45]  Where is this toxic masculinity?
[00:17:48]  I'd like to see more of it.
[00:17:49]  You know who has a lot of toxic masculinity recently?
[00:17:51]  Women, they're tough as nails, but men are like openly weeping.
[00:17:58]  Every straight friend I have cries all the time.
[00:18:00]  Yes, it's because I'm always telling them how horrible they are and everything, but who's gonna do that if not me?
[00:18:07]  So, this Nate is about toxic masculinity, about men running around and being toxic and just raping and pillaging, essentially.
[00:18:14]  And there's like uh there's a scene where there's a mannequin on the floor, and Nate, the character, goes, I don't know what to do.
[00:18:20]  What should I do with the mannequin on the floor?
[00:18:25]  Who is looking at someone?
[00:18:29]  I know that there are rapists, and I know that there's frat boy douchebag.
[00:18:32]  I'm not the guy that doesn't believe any of that, but who is looking at someone on the floor and going, There's a gray area here?
[00:18:47]  I don't understand.
[00:18:49]  I watched someone have a heart attack once in a diner, I got up and left.
[00:18:53]  I said goodbye.
[00:18:55]  I was out.
[00:18:56]  Who is looking at someone on the floor?
[00:18:58]  Now, I didn't go to a four-year college, and I know things go on there, people drink, whatever.
[00:19:04]  But it seems like you know, it's like, oh, there's a lot of gray area out there.
[00:19:07]  There is, but there's also not.
[00:19:09]  Right, there's a lot of black and white areas of like, don't rape people.
[00:19:16]  There's a point in the show that's a little culty where she's like, ask, ask, and the audience is like, ask, ask.
[00:19:27]  I'm just confused.
[00:19:28]  Clearly, a talented woman.
[00:19:29]  I'm just confused about the issue here of consent.
[00:19:34]  I'm confused about it.
[00:19:38]  Apparently, there's much more of a gray area than I had originally imagined.
[00:19:43]  I thought that if someone is too drunk to have sex with you, do not have sex with them.
[00:19:51]  If someone has passed out on the floor, certainly do not have sex with them.
[00:19:56]  Give them a blanket.
[00:19:58]  Give them a blanket that Ellen DeGeneres made, but don't have sex with them.
[00:20:03]  So I'm just confused.
[00:20:04]  But again, people are going to get mad at me.
[00:20:05]  They're going to be like, you don't understand the rape that goes on.
[00:20:09]  Everyone is raped at every minute of their lives.
[00:20:14]  You fat fuck.
[00:20:16]  Just because you don't get raped doesn't mean I'm sorry I've never been raped.
[00:20:22]  You got to apologize to people now that you haven't been raped and that you're not dead of COVID.
[00:20:27]  Every day, you should be dead.
[00:20:29]  The choices you've made in your life.
[00:20:31]  I'm sorry I'm not dead of COVID and I'm sorry I haven't been raped.
[00:20:34]  I hope they happen at the same time.
[00:20:36]  So you can all have an I Told Yourself festival somewhere.
[00:20:40]  You have to apologize for just being alive.
[00:20:44]  And it's just such a nice way to call you a fat fuck when people call you, you better watch out about this.
[00:20:49]  People call you, they go, you got to be careful.
[00:20:52]  You have to be real.
[00:20:54]  You have to be careful.
[00:20:56]  You have to be very careful.
[00:20:58]  You look at you.
[00:21:00]  If people are calling you and telling you to be careful, you look like shit.
[00:21:05]  That's just the reality.
[00:21:06]  If people are really calling you concerned about COVID, you look like shit.
[00:21:10]  That's just a great way to know.
[00:21:12]  And just know it.
[00:21:13]  Just be aware.
[00:21:14]  I've had fat friends.
[00:21:16]  I was talking to Ray this morning.
[00:21:17]  I've had fat friends that had no idea they were fat.
[00:21:19]  It was a girl in the store the other day and they're like, she's walking around lashing a polo out like she's loud.
[00:21:28]  She's like getting everyone to help her and find things.
[00:21:31]  If you're a fat person in a clothing store, you should treat it like a heroin addict who just got out of prison.
[00:21:36]  Keep your head down, walk around quietly and get out of there.
[00:21:41]  Go in, try a few things on quietly and then go, oh, none of them fit and then leave and then go sit in your car and eat Chick-fil-A.
[00:21:48]  Don't be like the queen of the store.
[00:21:50]  Be like, get me fat.
[00:21:52]  All right, death and that.
[00:21:55]  So when someone calls her up and goes, you got to watch out for COVID.
[00:21:58]  She goes, what do you mean?
[00:21:59]  But that's a great way.
[00:22:00]  If you don't know how you look, how concerned have people been about you getting COVID?
[00:22:07]  If people call you up and they're like, I don't think you should leave your house, even to take, hey, even to take a walk, put that mask on.
[00:22:15]  Even to take a walk, put that mask on because, you know, you have to be very careful.
[00:22:22]  You have to be very careful.
[00:22:24]  It's just another way of telling someone, we are shocked you're not dead already.
[00:22:29]  We are so surprised you're not dead.
[00:22:32]  Every time you post on social media, we imagine that it's a memorial page.
[00:22:36]  It's an in-memorium.
[00:22:38]  We can't imagine it's actually you.
[00:22:41]  We can't imagine there's a disease out there that hasn't killed you.
[00:22:48]  That's how people are acting right now.
[00:22:52]  How was your family in Texas doing with COVID?
[00:22:54]  Has anyone had it?
[00:22:55]  Does anyone you know have it?
[00:22:56]  Not yet.
[00:22:57]  Well, my uncle had it, actually.
[00:22:58]  I forgot.
[00:22:59]  How did he do?
[00:23:00]  He's okay.
[00:23:00]  He's powering through.
[00:23:01]  Just a mild case.
[00:23:02]  He got it at the school where he coaches, you know?
[00:23:05]  I think I had it in March.
[00:23:06]  I had, you know, and I know everybody says this.
[00:23:09]  This is a constant refrain.
[00:23:11]  But in March, I was sicker than I had ever been, right?
[00:23:16]  Yeah, for like four weeks.
[00:23:18]  I was so sick.
[00:23:21]  I was coughing.
[00:23:23]  I had a fever.
[00:23:24]  I was like waking up in the middle of the night, shivers, the whole thing.
[00:23:28]  And then I, you know, it took me three or four weeks to get my strength back and to feel that I was back.
[00:23:39]  It kicked my ass.
[00:23:40]  So I am convinced that that was something, maybe COVID.
[00:23:46]  I know a young, healthy dude who's now gotten it twice.
[00:23:50]  Oh, really?
[00:23:51]  Yeah, so I'm wondering if the antibody tests are wrong or like maybe he never had it the first time.
[00:23:58]  Maybe there was a false positive.
[00:24:00]  Or you just people are getting it twice.
[00:24:01]  Supposedly the second case he got supposed to be mild.
[00:24:04]  That's nice.
[00:24:05]  It's supposed to be a mild case.
[00:24:09]  And then McDonald's, who at McDonald's goes, let's bring back the McRib during a pandemic?
[00:24:14]  Like what sick executive goes, you know what?
[00:24:17]  You know what this country needs?
[00:24:18]  How many people died yesterday?
[00:24:22]  You know what this country needs?
[00:24:23]  Let's bring back the McRib.
[00:24:25]  Get up what the McRib is because the McRib, when I was a kid, was legendary.
[00:24:29]  Do you mean what's actually in it or what McCribbie?
[00:24:30]  Well, what it is.
[00:24:33]  It's a fake riblet pork patty drenched in barbecue sauce.
[00:24:38]  I mean, the original McRib was iconic, but I don't know if they're doing the original McRib.
[00:24:47]  Let's read the wiki.
[00:24:48]  Let's go over there to the right.
[00:24:50]  Oh, to the right here?
[00:24:51]  Yeah, to the right.
[00:24:52]  The McRib is a barbecue-flavored pork sandwich periodically sold by the international fast food restaurant chain McDonald's.
[00:24:58]  You could just say McDonald's.
[00:25:00]  It was first introduced in 1981.
[00:25:03]  Wow.
[00:25:04]  Four years before I was born.
[00:25:05]  After poor sales, it was removed in 1985, the year I was born.
[00:25:09]  Ingredients, McRib, pork patty, homestyle roll, McRib sauce, pickled slices, slivered onions, 22 grams of fat, 240 calories of energy from fat.
[00:25:21]  Okay.
[00:25:21]  That's good.
[00:25:22]  So you're able to turn the key to start your car.
[00:25:26]  And then 500 calories.
[00:25:29]  It doesn't seem that bad, Ben.
[00:25:30]  Is it that unhealthy?
[00:25:32]  I don't think 500 calories is that bad.
[00:25:33]  It sounds fine.
[00:25:34]  Yeah, yeah.
[00:25:35]  Maybe I was hasty in judging the good people at McDonald's.
[00:25:41]  But we're going to go get one after the show just to try it out, just to see what's going on with it.
[00:25:48]  See how many people are out during the lockdown.
[00:25:51]  Imagine a cops knocking on our door, like, where are you?
[00:25:54]  What are you doing?
[00:25:55]  We're going to get the McRib.
[00:25:57]  Let him go.
[00:26:00]  Are they arresting people?
[00:26:01]  Supposedly they're arresting people now for knowingly spreading COVID.
[00:26:04]  If you knowingly spread COVID, you are going to be arrested.
[00:26:15]  Are there COVID bug chasers?

=== Truckers, Taxes, and Twitch (11:11) ===

[00:26:16]  Like, you know, there's bug chasers where people want to get HIV.
[00:26:19]  Are there people that just want coronavirus?
[00:26:21]  They're like, I need it.
[00:26:24]  I need to get COVID.
[00:26:25]  Just going to Walmart walking.
[00:26:26]  There are bug chasers, people that want to get HIV.
[00:26:29]  And you've watched documentaries about this.
[00:26:31]  Why do they want to do it?
[00:26:33]  I mean, it's clearly like a self-destructive thing, right?
[00:26:36]  So they, they, they, I think it's truckers mostly.
[00:26:39]  Truckers is like, yeah, that's.
[00:26:41]  Want to get HIV.
[00:26:42]  I think so.
[00:26:43]  I mean, it's like.
[00:26:44]  Truckers.
[00:26:45]  They don't have enough problems.
[00:26:46]  Self-driving cars, Elon Musk.
[00:26:49]  They just want to get AIDS.
[00:26:51]  That's how bad it is.
[00:26:52]  The truckers want to get AIDS because job security in this country is so...
[00:26:57]  Is that really who it is, truckers?
[00:26:59]  I imagine it's like Glory Hole guys at truck stop bathrooms.
[00:27:02]  You know, they pick up prostitutes and stuff on the road.
[00:27:06]  It gets lonely.
[00:27:07]  Some of those guys.
[00:27:07]  Ben's imagination is so dark and troubling, even to me, that asking him to even just a simple question, he goes down a very dreary and disturbing, and he's creating this reality where there's just lonely truckers on the road at glory halls that just want, and now why do they want AIDS?
[00:27:29]  I don't understand.
[00:27:30]  I get lonely.
[00:27:30]  I get trucker.
[00:27:31]  I get glory hole.
[00:27:33]  I don't get AIDS.
[00:27:34]  I guess you just want to die, right?
[00:27:35]  It's like this sick, like I'm a, like people are like, I'm a piss pig, like piss all over me and shit all over me.
[00:27:40]  Like, yeah, give me, give me all your diseases that you have.
[00:27:43]  I'm a piece of shit.
[00:27:45]  You know?
[00:27:46]  Who's are those the truckers as well that are getting pissed and shit on?
[00:27:49]  Some of them are piss pigs and, you know.
[00:27:52]  Now, what is a piss pig?
[00:27:54]  Someone who wants you to piss on them, piss in their mouth.
[00:27:56]  They want to drink piss.
[00:27:57]  You know, they want to feel really.
[00:27:59]  I feel like my attitude about drinking piss has always been situational, where it's like, I feel like if it's appropriate to do at the time, you might want to taste a little bit, but then probably spit it out.
[00:28:12]  You're open to it.
[00:28:13]  Interesting.
[00:28:14]  Well, I don't want, if someone is hot enough, If someone is good-looking enough, they can get you to do whatever they want.
[00:28:21]  If someone is good-looking enough, they could get me to go to a holiday with my family.
[00:28:27]  It's true.
[00:28:29]  So I think that if somebody's really good-looking says, piss in my, I will go to piss in your mouth.
[00:28:34]  You have to say okay.
[00:28:37]  No?
[00:28:39]  Shit is a different story.
[00:28:42]  Yes.
[00:28:42]  A really good-looking person says, I want to shit on you.
[00:28:46]  That is probably disturbing.
[00:28:50]  Because then you tell all your friends, like, oh, I fucked this person.
[00:28:52]  They're really hot.
[00:28:53]  And then they go, wow, yeah, how was it?
[00:28:55]  And you go, well, I got shit on.
[00:29:01]  And then it ruins the story, I would imagine, right?
[00:29:04]  It ruins the story.
[00:29:05]  Or people are, people are more intrigued.
[00:29:10]  It's odd how sexuality develops.
[00:29:11]  Like, it's very strange.
[00:29:13]  Like, I always thought I might not be gay if women were more intelligent.
[00:29:19]  Is that true?
[00:29:20]  I always believe that.
[00:29:22]  So if women had a little bit more up here, I would probably fuck them.
[00:29:27]  That's a joke.
[00:29:28]  We have many female fans, and that's an ironic joke because people expect my audience to be full of misogynists, and it's not.
[00:29:36]  It's full of sensitive, crying men and lovely women.
[00:29:40]  And that's what we, we have more women all the time.
[00:29:43]  All the time.
[00:29:44]  All the time they're rolling in here, these ladies.
[00:29:47]  The couples watch together?
[00:29:48]  The couples watch together.
[00:29:51]  Isn't that nice?
[00:29:53]  And as soon as quarantine ends, we know what happens to those relationships.
[00:29:57]  Boo!
[00:29:59]  Maybe not.
[00:30:00]  Are you afraid of your wife leaving you after quarantine?
[00:30:03]  No, we're both working as normal, so kind of unaffected.
[00:30:08]  Well, I don't know.
[00:30:10]  Maybe me and Whitney Cummings will no longer be married after quarantine.
[00:30:14]  She threw a friendsgiving.
[00:30:15]  What a horror.
[00:30:16]  You know, and I respect her, but she threw a horrible event at her home.
[00:30:20]  And I was doing a Friendsgiving.
[00:30:22]  So Whitney then decided to do a Friendsgiving an hour after me.
[00:30:26]  That's nice.
[00:30:26]  Dan Carney's in the hospital.
[00:30:28]  He just transitioned.
[00:30:29]  No, he had a minor hip surgery.
[00:30:31]  He'll be fine.
[00:30:33]  What is that on your Instagram?
[00:30:35]  Yeah, yeah.
[00:30:35]  I'm going to yours.
[00:30:36]  Yeah.
[00:30:36]  Find that picture of Whitney's decor.
[00:30:38]  It was grotesque.
[00:30:40]  So she has all these influencers over her house.
[00:30:42]  And I, you know, some of them are nice.
[00:30:44]  Olivia Munn, whatever.
[00:30:45]  You got Amanda Cerny.
[00:30:46]  I don't know who she is.
[00:30:46]  I don't care.
[00:30:48]  And then you have the Keshas and all these people.
[00:30:51]  Look how much autumn is at that table.
[00:30:53]  It was grotesque.
[00:30:55]  Whitney is very successful, but this is Target.
[00:30:58]  This is Walmart shit.
[00:31:00]  Yeah.
[00:31:00]  Which is fine if you are at that place in your life.
[00:31:03]  Look how orange it is.
[00:31:04]  It's too much.
[00:31:06]  It's too drenched in it.
[00:31:08]  That's a plastic fork, too.
[00:31:09]  It's a plastic fork.
[00:31:12]  Whitney also is too much of a dude to give a dinner party.
[00:31:16]  The great socialites, the great women of our time, rich women who know how to give a party, there's a vibe to be created.
[00:31:25]  Whitney's a guy.
[00:31:26]  She's a dude.
[00:31:27]  She's a successful dude.
[00:31:29]  There's one black guy at the table, and she starts haranguing him about where he pays taxes.
[00:31:34]  It was the most uncomfortable thing anyone had ever seen.
[00:31:38]  She goes, why do you pay taxes?
[00:31:39]  I go, you can't ask that.
[00:31:41]  We're eating vegan stuffing that tastes like a shoe.
[00:31:44]  And she's yelling at a black about his taxes.
[00:31:47]  And she doesn't mean it, but she's trying to have a conversation about the state taxes, but it just looks bad if you have one black guy there and you go, what are your financials?
[00:31:58]  What's your credit score?
[00:32:01]  It was very strange.
[00:32:04]  Now, I had to cancel.
[00:32:05]  I canceled my friend's giving because we were going to do it.
[00:32:09]  I would have a lot of people.
[00:32:10]  And then the whole thing just became insane.
[00:32:11]  And it's like, you know what?
[00:32:13]  It's too much of a problem now.
[00:32:15]  You have 50 people in masks.
[00:32:16]  Who wants that, right?
[00:32:18]  Somebody can test positive.
[00:32:19]  I got to call 50 people the next day and go, hey, thanks for coming.
[00:32:22]  By the way, see a doctor.
[00:32:24]  And I was going to do a theme like a, you know, like a Tuscan Winter Wonderland because I'm a classy bitch.
[00:32:30]  Tuscan Winter Wonderland.
[00:32:32]  Italian food, which is tough to pull off.
[00:32:34]  She went full autumn gross.
[00:32:38]  I mean, the color of the bowls.
[00:32:41]  I mean, just grotesque.
[00:32:43]  And I love Whitney and it's great.
[00:32:45]  And I appreciate everything she's done for me.
[00:32:49]  She's given me a lot of furniture for my home, which I paid her for.
[00:32:54]  But that's still nice because it's less than it would have cost me to purchase by a lot.
[00:32:59]  So I appreciate her and her friendship.
[00:33:02]  But this is not how to give an event.
[00:33:04]  It's not how to do a party.
[00:33:06]  It really wasn't.
[00:33:07]  It was very odd.
[00:33:08]  But I felt like it was very rushed because it was something I was going to do.
[00:33:11]  And then she was like, oh, I want to do it now too.
[00:33:13]  And the chef was okay.
[00:33:14]  The chef was hot.
[00:33:16]  The chef like has like saddle leather boots on and like long hair.
[00:33:19]  And it's like, oh, enough.
[00:33:22]  A chef should look like Raymond Cump.
[00:33:23]  And by the way, these shirts that we have on, I am a Wine Princess Bitch, our new Ray Cump merch.
[00:33:29]  Model it.
[00:33:31]  I am a Wine Princess bitch.
[00:33:33]  This is Ray Cup merch.
[00:33:34]  Get the link up where you can get these.
[00:33:37]  Ray Cump was arrested outside of Miley Cyrus' house in Tennessee.
[00:33:40]  All of these shirts go to his legal defense fund.
[00:33:43]  It's very important that Ray have an adequate defense against Cyrus and her lying family.
[00:33:50]  By the way, Noah Cyrus, her sister, called Candace Owens a nappy-headed hoe.
[00:33:57]  Right.
[00:33:57]  Saw that on our story.
[00:33:59]  Not cool, Noah.
[00:34:04]  There it is.
[00:34:05]  This is a picture of a wine bottle holding a machete.
[00:34:09]  Ray is an artist.
[00:34:11]  I mean, this is art.
[00:34:12]  He drew this, right?
[00:34:13]  He drew this.
[00:34:14]  And this is I'm a Wine Princess Bitch shirt that you can get at the Ray Cump store, bonfire.com store slash cump, right?
[00:34:25]  Yeah, yeah.
[00:34:25]  Bonfire.com slash store slash cump.
[00:34:28]  It's on his Twitter.
[00:34:29]  Yeah, it's on his Twitter.
[00:34:31]  And it's a great shirt.
[00:34:33]  It's great for the holidays.
[00:34:34]  It's great to just give the family, you know?
[00:34:39]  I don't know, but it is phenomenal.
[00:34:41]  But I'm disappointed now that we're in a lockdown again.
[00:34:44]  We can't have the party.
[00:34:45]  It was going to be a fun party.
[00:34:46]  You know, we talked about it many times on the show.
[00:34:48]  We can't do it.
[00:34:49]  We just have to do it another time now.
[00:34:53]  Which is sad.
[00:34:54]  You know, but what are you going to do?
[00:34:56]  But Whitney filled in with, you know, orange plate.
[00:35:01]  I mean, what a.
[00:35:03]  I mean, it looked like a high school, like a party, like that you have, like a high school theater kid party.
[00:35:13]  Yeah, like a church potluck almost.
[00:35:15]  Yeah.
[00:35:16]  Megan.
[00:35:17]  And I, respect the effort.
[00:35:20]  And she, she's a good person, and she works hard.
[00:35:24]  But giving a party, there's an art to entertaining and giving an actual party.
[00:35:29]  Yes.
[00:35:29]  And it was a tremendous and despicable display, a failure of epic proportions, a strange vibe, an odd configuration of people, very sad people, wealthy and yet sad, an interesting, you know.
[00:35:51]  One woman whose laugh was so absurd that it was just derailing the whole thing.
[00:35:56]  One woman was like, You know, I just.
[00:36:02]  We Irish goodbye.
[00:36:03]  We just laughed.
[00:36:04]  I looked at Jim Jeffries.
[00:36:05]  I said, I got to get out of here.
[00:36:06]  He's like, Yeah, me too.
[00:36:08]  I think I'm going to Irish Gabot too.
[00:36:10]  He's a happy guy, huh?
[00:36:11]  Anyway, I love him.
[00:36:13]  Very funny.
[00:36:14]  He is very funny.
[00:36:15]  He's a genius, but he's, you know, he's more muted in person, you know?
[00:36:19]  Nobody's any fun in LA.
[00:36:21]  That's the problem.
[00:36:21]  Nobody's fun.
[00:36:22]  We had these two 19-year-old TikTok kids come here.
[00:36:24]  Sweet kids.
[00:36:25]  But I mean, can you tell anyone apart from anyone else here?
[00:36:29]  Everybody's just like, I'm on Twitch.
[00:36:31]  I'm a gamer.
[00:36:32]  Nobody has any anecdotes.
[00:36:34]  Nobody has a fun anecdote.
[00:36:37]  Nobody turns around in this town and goes, my mother died during childbirth.
[00:36:41]  I never knew her.
[00:36:43]  Nobody has a fun anecdote.
[00:36:46]  My father was a junk and tried to molest me.
[00:36:48]  And the only way I got out of it was by pushing him down the stairs and paralyzing him.
[00:36:52]  Oh, no one says that.
[00:36:54]  Everyone goes, I'm on Twitch.
[00:36:57]  That's all anyone says.
[00:36:58]  I stream on Twitch.
[00:37:02]  I was beaten up every day.
[00:37:03]  And then I became strong and raped every nerd that beat me up.
[00:37:08]  I realized I was gay, but also a fighter and wanted to fuck them, fuck them, fuck them hard.
[00:37:12]  No one has stories like that.
[00:37:14]  Everybody just goes, I just sit in my room and I just look at a screen and then the people on the other side look at me.
[00:37:22]  And we are, now we are going to do Twitch.
[00:37:24]  And I don't want you coming to me now and saying, hey, you shit all over this.

=== My Father Tried to Molest Me (03:17) ===

[00:37:28]  And then you do it.
[00:37:28]  That's what it is here.
[00:37:30]  Okay.
[00:37:30]  The game is to be played.
[00:37:32]  So I'm going to get on Twitch and I don't need people calling me a hypocrite.
[00:37:35]  Okay.
[00:37:36]  Don't call me a hypocrite.
[00:37:38]  Don't get mad at me because Candace Owens came on here and threw some shade at what am I supposed to do?
[00:37:48]  I push back.
[00:37:48]  She says this, like, I don't agree.
[00:37:51]  Maybe, yeah.
[00:37:52]  I don't know about that.
[00:37:53]  They wanted me to yell at her.
[00:37:54]  Rogan, they had that viral moment where he's like, why don't you believe scientists?
[00:37:58]  And she just said, I don't.
[00:38:00]  I don't like science.
[00:38:01]  And he's just like, well, why?
[00:38:02]  She's like, I don't.
[00:38:03]  Who cares?
[00:38:04]  What did that do for any of you, you morons?
[00:38:06]  What does it do for anyone?
[00:38:08]  She's more popular now than she was then.
[00:38:09]  You think that worked?
[00:38:10]  Oh, yeah.
[00:38:11]  She was dethroned after that, huh?
[00:38:13]  Does it work?
[00:38:15]  Does it work, idiots?
[00:38:19]  I'm telling you, the only thing that works, apparently, is heroin.
[00:38:29]  It's the only thing that does its job in this country because everybody who's on it is like, hey, my cousin keeps going back to it.
[00:38:36]  She said to me once, she looked right in my face and goes, I love heroin.
[00:38:40]  She goes, I love our family and you, but I love heroin.
[00:38:43]  It was like, what do you tell someone like that to do?
[00:38:46]  Like, but have you ever watched Bravo?
[00:38:49]  Like, she's found her thing.
[00:38:53]  She's in the cut.
[00:38:55]  She's focused.
[00:38:56]  You know?
[00:38:58]  Do you want to be more productive in the new year?
[00:39:02]  Yes.
[00:39:02]  Do you want to start an e-commerce business and take advantage of the online digital marketplace?
[00:39:08]  Absolutely.
[00:39:09]  How are you going to do it?
[00:39:11]  I don't know.
[00:39:12]  Do you have a service that I could use?
[00:39:16]  Shut up.
[00:39:19]  You haven't thought about that?
[00:39:21]  No, I haven't.
[00:39:22]  I want to do it, but I don't.
[00:39:23]  Do what?
[00:39:24]  What do you even want to do?
[00:39:25]  I don't know.
[00:39:25]  I want to start an e-commerce business.
[00:39:27]  With doing what?
[00:39:29]  I don't know.
[00:39:29]  It's so overwhelming.
[00:39:30]  Like, I have to ship things.
[00:39:32]  What are you shipping?
[00:39:33]  You don't even have a business yet.
[00:39:35]  What are you trying to do?
[00:39:37]  I don't know.
[00:39:37]  I just thought I could have a business.
[00:39:39]  I'm not really sure.
[00:39:40]  What kind of business?
[00:39:42]  Embroidered golf balls with people's names on them, like for Christmas.
[00:39:47]  How do you embroider a golf ball?
[00:39:50]  Well, I would use like, you know, Sharpies.
[00:39:52]  Like, you know, isn't that more engraved than embroidered?
[00:39:55]  I guess engraved.
[00:39:56]  So you want to engrave golf balls.
[00:39:58]  Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[00:40:01]  What are the margins?
[00:40:06]  Because in order for me to even tell you about this product, I have to be confident in the rest of your business plan.
[00:40:12]  And it doesn't seem like you have one.

=== Trump Rumors and New Spinoffs (10:35) ===

[00:40:45]  We're playing around with some new ideas here about some new spinoff side shows that we may do in relation to the podcast.
[00:40:53]  We don't know.
[00:40:55]  But we're talking to some interesting people and coming up with some interesting new ideas about having the most fun while we're in LA.
[00:41:02]  Because while we're in LA, however long that may be, we got to make the most of it.
[00:41:06]  We got to have fun.
[00:41:08]  This is going to feel like the Christmas I spent at Lisa's Lounge alone.
[00:41:14]  And I remember that clear as day.
[00:41:19]  It was Christmas Eve.
[00:41:20]  I did not go with my family.
[00:41:22]  I went alone to a bar in Long Island called Lisa's Lounge.
[00:41:28]  And people were doing cocaine on the bar and drinking.
[00:41:31]  And then the owner came out and he said to me, He goes, This is what this place has always been about.
[00:41:35]  He took a key bump and he goes, I've always wanted people to have a place to go when they didn't have anywhere to go for the holidays.
[00:41:43]  That's why he opened the bar and I said, well, that's good.
[00:41:47]  I said, thank you so much.
[00:41:49]  He's dead now.
[00:41:50]  I said, thank you so much.
[00:41:52]  And I sat there and I got drunk and I was drinking with these two people, a guy who inherited a lot of money.
[00:41:57]  And then a hooker started taking his money.
[00:42:03]  And then he lost all of the inheritance and ended up living back in his car.
[00:42:07]  The guy got like a get out of jail free card, got $120,000.
[00:42:11]  A woman swooped in, fleeced him, and he ended up living right back in the car.
[00:42:18]  And he would outside of the bar every night.
[00:42:20]  He would just sleep in his car.
[00:42:21]  It wasn't even a big car.
[00:42:22]  It was like a small pickup.
[00:42:23]  And he would just knock back.
[00:42:25]  And then the bartenders in the morning would knock on his window.
[00:42:27]  I was like, hey, what's up, buddy?
[00:42:29]  And he'd shake off to sleep, go right back in and have a cocktail.
[00:42:34]  And those are the types of people I miss living in LA.
[00:42:36]  I don't find any of them because they had great stories.
[00:42:39]  And they, you know, these are people with a lot to do.
[00:42:42]  And I spent a Christmas Eve with him and with the woman who took all his money, who he then started talking to again.
[00:42:48]  Like he was mad at her.
[00:42:49]  And then he was like, well, I lost all the money anyway.
[00:42:52]  Why keep this beef up?
[00:42:55]  I'm not going to kill her.
[00:42:58]  And so they hung out and we were all hanging out.
[00:43:01]  We're just having a good time.
[00:43:02]  And I remember that that was one of the lowest points of my life.
[00:43:05]  A truly, truly low point of my life.
[00:43:09]  Like one of the worst times that I can remember where I truly didn't want to be on earth anymore.
[00:43:16]  And I can't even describe to you how much worse Whitney's Friendsgiving was.
[00:43:22]  Like how much worse it was than that moment of my life.
[00:43:26]  It would be, I couldn't even describe.
[00:43:28]  I couldn't even put together a metric to make you understand what a troubling experience it was.
[00:43:34]  How are holiday retail numbers?
[00:43:36]  You know, the guys at CNBC, as everything's going to get so bad, they're going to just be cramming Adderall in their face.
[00:43:41]  They're going to be looking at each other like, how are holiday re, and they're going to have to stare at each other like, how are the holiday numbers?
[00:43:48]  Maria, what are the holiday retail numbers right now?
[00:43:53]  Uh, what is this?
[00:43:55]  Is this recent?
[00:43:57]  Yeah, these are people that are lying.
[00:44:00]  Yeah, they think there's going to be a strong finish to 2020 in spite of the pandemic.
[00:44:03]  Yeah, I think not.
[00:44:05]  I don't know.
[00:44:08]  Well, we're entering a place now.
[00:44:09]  We're entering a time now where the disparity between people that are fucked and people who aren't fucked is so, the chasm is so great, which is why everyone yells at me, oh, it's a conservative Nazi.
[00:44:24]  No, I think there's a huge problem with the level of inequality in this country.
[00:44:28]  It's unsustainable.
[00:44:30]  I've said it many times.
[00:44:31]  But now we're at a point now where it's we, it's so.
[00:44:35]  We view the random charity of influencers as something as like, oh like.
[00:44:43]  When they print that article about the kid that gives the blankets, what are people supposed to go?
[00:44:47]  They go, ho ho.
[00:44:48]  That's oh like.
[00:44:51]  What is the reaction supposed to be?
[00:44:53]  Everybody's supposed to go.
[00:44:54]  Well, that well, that's good.
[00:44:56]  What a nice young man.
[00:44:58]  There are still good people in the world like, we've gotten so bad now.
[00:45:03]  Where those types of stories are, that's like feel good news.
[00:45:09]  That's feel good news that things are so bad now that the homelessness crisis is so crazy if 10 of them get a snuggie.
[00:45:18]  It's a news story because people are like wow, we need something to just fucking pep everyone up, because everything's corona and death and everyone's dead and no one can talk to their family and everyone's dying alone in bubbles in hospitals and nurses can't handle anything and everybody's, everything's fucked at, 700,000 people a month are filing for unemployment.
[00:45:40]  Trump's not leaving and he's going, but he's not and he's still tweeting and Biden has no clue and things are bad and they're gonna get worse.
[00:45:47]  And the third wave.
[00:45:48]  I saw an article the other day about the third wave get ready for the third wave.
[00:45:52]  But in between that, in between your anxiety, your your fucking heart palpitations from your coffee and the SSRIs you take just to get out of bed, please enjoy this very heartwarming Christmas story about an influencer handing a blanket to one of the now 90 trillion homeless people that live under bridges that used to work in restaurants.
[00:46:13]  Unfortunately, they never worked at Gavin Newsom's winery because then they'd still have their jobs.
[00:46:18]  And can someone burn down his winery metaphorically, as a bit in an article?
[00:46:24]  Burn it down in an article.
[00:46:26]  Do you see what i'm saying here?
[00:46:28]  Not physically, that's illegal.
[00:46:31]  Burn it down with satire.
[00:46:34]  Burn it down with satire.
[00:46:37]  Mr Newsom, he is good looking.
[00:46:42]  People like him who don't give a shit, they should not be allowed to run a state.
[00:46:49]  They should not be allowed to run the state of California.
[00:46:53]  Just kind of that pretty boy.
[00:46:55]  I own a vineyard, I have multiple.
[00:46:58]  Look at what he owns.
[00:46:59]  Go get what Gavin Noosom owns.
[00:47:01]  He owns everything.
[00:47:02]  He owns vineyards and wineries.
[00:47:12]  He founded the Plump JACK winery Napa.
[00:47:17]  Yeah, up in Napa.
[00:47:25]  When's he up?
[00:47:26]  When's he out of here?
[00:47:27]  I want to get Logan Paul in there as governor.
[00:47:30]  Got to get this guy out.
[00:47:32]  These people are establishing rules for lockdowns, and then they're breaking the lockdown.
[00:47:37]  He had dinner at the French Laundry.
[00:47:39]  Another mayor did something.
[00:47:40]  All of these mayors are breaking their own lockdowns.
[00:47:42]  They travel.
[00:47:42]  The guy in Denver traveled.
[00:47:44]  He goes, well, I got to try.
[00:47:45]  I got to see my family.
[00:47:46]  The Austin mayor, too.
[00:47:48]  Yeah, they're all breaking your lot.
[00:47:49]  If you break a lockdown, and I said this on Twitter, I got 40,000 likes.
[00:47:52]  If you break a lockdown and you're an elected official, you should be fired.
[00:47:57]  You should resign.
[00:47:57]  You should be forced to resign.
[00:47:59]  Your party should abandon you.
[00:48:03]  He had businesses in San Francisco in the mid-2000s.
[00:48:07]  He was a businessman.
[00:48:09]  Here's my thing with Gavin Newsome.
[00:48:10]  I just think what he's doing, the homelessness in California, the problems in California are so great.
[00:48:19]  And there's absolutely no plan coming from anybody that makes anyone feel comfortable about opening a business here, buying a home here.
[00:48:30]  I tell Ben all the time, I'm like, we're here for a period of time.
[00:48:35]  I don't know when that ends.
[00:48:36]  I do not know when that ends.
[00:48:39]  You know, Musk just came out and said he's not leaving California.
[00:48:42]  So that was old news.
[00:48:44]  Now the rumor is he is leaving.
[00:48:45]  Musk is going to go, dude, we thought we saw those starlight satellites last night.
[00:48:49]  I thought it was UFOs.
[00:48:50]  I thought it was UFOs.
[00:48:51]  And it's actually Elon Musk's starlight satellites, which are what?
[00:48:56]  What's he doing up there?
[00:48:57]  No idea.
[00:48:58]  It looked like drone formations.
[00:48:59]  Yeah.
[00:49:00]  We really are at a point where the technology is so amazing and yet it doesn't make anyone's life better, which we kind of knew.
[00:49:06]  Ted Kaczynski knew that.
[00:49:08]  And I'm not saying.
[00:49:10]  You understand what I'm saying?
[00:49:12]  I'm not saying that Ted Kaczynski was right.
[00:49:16]  I'm saying that he had elements of truth in what he said, just like Candace Owens had elements of truth.
[00:49:21]  Everybody has elements of truth in a larger narrative.
[00:49:26]  What a tale we weave.
[00:49:28]  You know?
[00:49:29]  Like Candace Owens talked about her cousin in the projects.
[00:49:33]  What was her cousin's name?
[00:49:34]  Mia?
[00:49:35]  I think so.
[00:49:36]  I wonder if she really has a cousin in the projects or she just made that up.
[00:49:41]  She's like, my cousin in the projects, Mia, doesn't know who Trump is.
[00:49:44]  I'm like, wait, what?
[00:49:45]  That was like the most racist thing she said.
[00:49:47]  My cousin Mia in the projects didn't know what Brexit was.
[00:49:50]  She didn't even know what Great Britain is.
[00:49:51]  She's like, what the fuck, Great Britain?
[00:49:53]  I'm like, is that really what was happening?
[00:49:56]  She's like, my cousin Mia doesn't even know who Trump.
[00:49:58]  She'd be like, who Trump?
[00:49:59]  Who Trump?
[00:50:00]  I'm like, no one is that stupid.
[00:50:04]  Do you really have a cousin in the project?
[00:50:06]  Or you have invented some ratchet cousin to tell people about.
[00:50:13]  My cousin Mia is pregnant with non babies.
[00:50:16]  She don't know who Trump is.
[00:50:18]  Is that really what's going on?
[00:50:20]  Or have you just invented that character to just make people more racist?
[00:50:27]  It's like a character to pull out where she's like, listen, you want to really hate black people?
[00:50:32]  My cousin Mia doesn't know what a fork is.
[00:50:36]  She doesn't know.
[00:50:37]  She smokes all her food.
[00:50:39]  She smokes her food.
[00:50:40]  She rolled a sandwich in a blunt.
[00:50:42]  I saw it.
[00:50:43]  I love it.
[00:50:43]  And then she goes, I love Mia.
[00:50:45]  I love my cousin Mia.
[00:50:46]  She's my cousin Mia.
[00:50:48]  I love her.
[00:50:49]  But she's an ignorant, stupid, welfare-taking.
[00:50:54]  And you're like, whoa, hold on.
[00:50:56]  Like, when I watched the interview back, I'm like, the thing I should have pushed back on is the description of her cousin who lived in the project.
[00:51:03]  Like, that was maybe the worst thing ever that I didn't, you know.
[00:51:08]  My cousin Mia, man, she just lived in the projects.
[00:51:11]  And, you know, every time I go there, I just do the alphabet with her one time just to show her, show her what it is.
[00:51:18]  I'm like, wait, what?

=== Ignorant Cousin Mia Truths (16:18) ===

[00:51:20]  Hold on.
[00:51:22]  You seem like you're being a nut.
[00:51:25]  But what are you going to do?
[00:51:28]  Next week, we will have Diamond and Silk on.
[00:51:31]  We have a Christmas special.
[00:51:32]  Diamond and Silk, the Reverend Jesse Lee Peterson.
[00:51:41]  Tesla CEO Elon Musk has told friends and associates he plans to move to Texas.
[00:51:46]  That's the rumor today.
[00:51:46]  That's what people were saying.
[00:51:49]  Good for him.
[00:51:50]  You know, I liked him and then he named the baby that crazy name.
[00:51:54]  I was done after.
[00:51:55]  I know Rogan loves him.
[00:51:56]  I was done after that.
[00:51:57]  I was done after he named the baby the math equation, the baby name.
[00:52:02]  I was kind of done.
[00:52:03]  I was just kind of like, okay, man, I get it.
[00:52:08]  Yeah, X-A-E-A2.
[00:52:10]  Yeah, I just, I don't know.
[00:52:14]  After that, I said, let's just move on.
[00:52:18]  Yeah.
[00:52:19]  You know, I can't.
[00:52:21]  I can't be involved, but I wish everyone the best for the lockdown and the holiday season.
[00:52:26]  I hope that you are enjoying yourselves and finding, you know, I'm going to get a Christmas tree this year.
[00:52:32]  I haven't had a tree in a long time.
[00:52:34]  You should get one.
[00:52:35]  I'm going to get a Christmas tree.
[00:52:38]  Should we do a, I think I should get a Christmas tree and put masks on it.
[00:52:41]  I call it a COVID tree.
[00:52:43]  Yeah, yeah.
[00:52:43]  Little tests.
[00:52:44]  Hang tests.
[00:52:45]  Little tests and masks.
[00:52:48]  A COVID tree.
[00:52:49]  That might be fun.
[00:52:51]  A COVID tree.
[00:52:54]  I mean, I do want to get a Christmas tree.
[00:52:56]  I want to enjoy the holiday as much as I can.
[00:52:58]  You know, as someone without a family and many friends and who's disgusted by most of what he sees and hears and feels, I do want to still enjoy the holiday season, you know, in a rapidly decaying oligarchy that's so, it's barely funny anymore.
[00:53:15]  Like that's how, that's how bad things have gotten.
[00:53:18]  They're not even funny, not even because they're too tragic.
[00:53:22]  They've always been that.
[00:53:23]  They're not funny anymore because there's a remarkable sameness to everything.
[00:53:29]  Like we feel like we're in round two of something.
[00:53:32]  It's like we're, and we're going again.
[00:53:34]  We're going again.
[00:53:36]  Get ready.
[00:53:39]  You know, I'm just kind of like, when the fuck are we going to break out?
[00:53:43]  And I wonder what post-quarantine is going to look like.
[00:53:45]  Are people going to say, fuck technology?
[00:53:47]  Are they just going to say, I want to connect with real people again?
[00:53:50]  I want to connect with human beings again.
[00:53:52]  We've lived our lives on these screens.
[00:53:54]  We've sacrificed everything for in the service of algorithms.
[00:54:00]  Is that going to be the vibe?
[00:54:02]  Are people going to say, fuck it, throw away the TV?
[00:54:05]  I mean, throw it in MacBooks and the iPhones.
[00:54:07]  We're going to run out.
[00:54:08]  Let's go hiking again.
[00:54:09]  Let's go swimming.
[00:54:11]  Let's go do what we want to do.
[00:54:12]  Let's do music festivals.
[00:54:13]  Let's do live comedy.
[00:54:15]  Let's do live theater.
[00:54:17]  Let's get out there.
[00:54:18]  Let's reconnect with people.
[00:54:20]  Is that what's going to happen?
[00:54:21]  Is that what's going to happen?
[00:54:23]  Even as I say it, I know the answer is no.
[00:54:25]  Even as I say it, no.
[00:54:26]  But I mean, that would be like a resurgence of life.
[00:54:29]  Like you finally go back outside and you go, man, I missed life.
[00:54:33]  I missed going to a diner with someone and lunch with a friend who I don't even like.
[00:54:38]  But I miss that.
[00:54:39]  I miss the feeling of going out to a crowded bar.
[00:54:42]  I miss being on a crowded subway.
[00:54:44]  I miss being on a plane where people are coughing and sneezing.
[00:54:48]  And I didn't think I was going to die when I left.
[00:54:50]  I mean, when's that going to come back?
[00:54:52]  I miss the feeling of being in an office and opening the refrigerator and seeing who brought what lunch and what I could technically steal.
[00:54:59]  I miss shitty office Christmas parties.
[00:55:02]  I miss, you know, going out and seeing people that you hate far less than you should.
[00:55:09]  Aren't those nice people that you hate far less than you should?
[00:55:13]  You go, I should hate this person a lot more based on everything about them.
[00:55:18]  And yet, I still have some level of, it's like, fine, fine.
[00:55:28]  That was a lot of my friends throughout my entire life.
[00:55:30]  You'd go, okay, fine.
[00:55:36]  You're here.
[00:55:38]  And I miss that.
[00:55:39]  I miss the tacit agreements we make, the small, just like everything now is too intense.
[00:55:48]  There's no casual anything anymore.
[00:55:50]  Everything you got to be in, every friendship's like your best friend.
[00:55:53]  Every person that you talk to is like super close.
[00:55:56]  I miss casual friendships.
[00:55:58]  I miss acquaintances.
[00:55:59]  I miss shit that didn't matter.
[00:56:01]  I miss talking to someone and then watch them hit by a boss and go and walking away.
[00:56:06]  I miss so much of life needs to go back to the casual where it doesn't matter the breeze that blows the freedom to not care.
[00:56:15]  Now everything is so intense because you could die, I guess.
[00:56:19]  So you, every fuck, every friendship, every business deal, everything is super uber intense.
[00:56:28]  Everything's a decision to go to the store, weigh the risk.
[00:56:32]  What am I doing?
[00:56:33]  Have these people over?
[00:56:35]  Are they clean?
[00:56:35]  Have they been careful?
[00:56:37]  Who have they been seeing?
[00:56:39]  Everything is too intense.
[00:56:40]  You can't casually hate people in your vicinity anymore.
[00:56:45]  You can't just casually invite people over and when they leave, look at your friend and go, you know, they're not that smart.
[00:56:52]  They think they're smart.
[00:56:53]  They're not.
[00:56:55]  You can't do it anymore because everything feels so intense.
[00:57:01]  And I think that that's sad.
[00:57:03]  We need to introduce the casual back to life.
[00:57:07]  We don't have the casual now.
[00:57:09]  Everything is a big fucking production.
[00:57:12]  Everything is super intense and very involved.
[00:57:17]  Everything you want to do is involved.
[00:57:20]  And every friendship you have now is like trauma bonding.
[00:57:26]  And that's good for certain instances.
[00:57:29]  But I think a lot of people, we got to go back.
[00:57:31]  Now, obviously, you can have a tight-knit group of close friends, but we got to go back to the casual where people, because this is not life.
[00:57:40]  This unending drumbeat of hell and horror is not life.
[00:57:45]  We have to go back to something that feels more like who care.
[00:57:51]  No one has said who cares and meant it in years.
[00:57:54]  And that's a big problem because that means everybody cares.
[00:57:58]  And that's a huge issue.
[00:58:00]  The last thing you want people to do is care because they fuck it up.
[00:58:04]  They fuck it up.
[00:58:05]  You ever have somebody get really excited about all the things they want to help you with?
[00:58:11]  And then you go, back off.
[00:58:14]  Back off.
[00:58:17]  Nobody said who cares.
[00:58:18]  You got to say who cares.
[00:58:19]  You got to say to yourself, like, yeah, man, yeah, have them over or don't.
[00:58:23]  We'll go to that thing or we won't.
[00:58:26]  Who cares?
[00:58:27]  What does it matter?
[00:58:28]  What does any of it matter?
[00:58:30]  Now everything matters.
[00:58:32]  And it's just unfortunate.
[00:58:36]  And that's what I want.
[00:58:37]  I want the return of the casual.
[00:58:38]  So that's what I hope.
[00:58:39]  When this is over, I'm just going to travel and walk around and go, I don't care.
[00:58:47]  I don't care.
[00:58:49]  And that's going to feel so good to not care about anything or anyone.
[00:58:57]  Do you get it?
[00:58:58]  That's what we're trying to get back here.
[00:59:01]  Total and utter fucking, what is the word I'm looking for?
[00:59:07]  No, when you don't care, it's with an A. Apathy.
[00:59:09]  Apathy.
[00:59:12]  Let's get back to that.
[00:59:14]  You see a nurse, you go, fuck her.
[00:59:16]  You don't feel bad for her.
[00:59:17]  Yeah, yeah.
[00:59:18]  Fucker.
[00:59:20]  I don't know that bitch.
[00:59:22]  Can't we get back to that?
[00:59:24]  You look at politicians, you go, fuck oh yeah, they're lying, they're scum.
[00:59:28]  Get them away.
[00:59:30]  Go own your winery.
[00:59:32]  Jerk off wine bottle.
[00:59:33]  I don't care.
[00:59:35]  Because nothing is a life or death deal.
[00:59:41]  But things are too serious right now.
[00:59:43]  And we can't go back.
[00:59:44]  We need to be able to go back to that.
[00:59:47]  Oh, the schools are open.
[00:59:48]  The schools are closed.
[00:59:49]  Fuck them.
[00:59:52]  We need to go back to that.
[00:59:54]  I'm thinking about things I've never even thought about.
[00:59:56]  I'm like, are the kids safe in the school?
[00:59:58]  It's not my business.
[01:00:01]  I just want to go back to that.
[01:00:03]  We all must go back to that.
[01:00:06]  It's the American way.
[01:00:08]  Truly.
[01:00:10]  It's the American way to go back to a casual, casual, nonchalant things.
[01:00:19]  I care about people now so much for no reason.
[01:00:23]  Really, truly.
[01:00:24]  I look at people and I go, I care about them and I want them to be okay.
[01:00:32]  And that's destroying me.
[01:00:36]  You know, worrying about other people is absolutely undoing me.
[01:00:42]  It's destroying me.
[01:00:44]  I need to go back to a thing where I don't worry about anyone, even myself.
[01:00:53]  I just need to go back to that.
[01:00:55]  We need to go back to that.
[01:00:56]  And a lot of people are like, oh, this is not true.
[01:00:59]  And this is making me think about a lot of interesting things.
[01:01:02]  That's what I try to do on the show.
[01:01:03]  But they're like, this is like, this time has actually been a blessing.
[01:01:06]  No, it hasn't.
[01:01:06]  It's been a journey.
[01:01:07]  No, it hasn't.
[01:01:08]  It's been really good for me.
[01:01:09]  And it's really showed me who my close friends were.
[01:01:11]  No, it hasn't.
[01:01:13]  You're trauma bonding.
[01:01:14]  You're in a dugout.
[01:01:15]  You're in a foxhole.
[01:01:17]  You're in a war.
[01:01:18]  People are shooting at you.
[01:01:19]  Yeah.
[01:01:20]  Are you close with the person next to you?
[01:01:21]  I bet you are.
[01:01:23]  No, your friends are your friends when things are going well.
[01:01:28]  When things are going horrible, this is another thing I want to clear up, by the way.
[01:01:32]  Okay.
[01:01:32]  Because this is the other thing that people don't understand.
[01:01:34]  They go, your friends are only your friends in the shit.
[01:01:37]  When things are in the shit, that's not true.
[01:01:39]  Tons of people love to be around shit and misery and will find you.
[01:01:43]  Your friends are actually your friends when things are going well.
[01:01:46]  They're not jealous of you.
[01:01:47]  They're not, you know, threaten them.
[01:01:50]  You have a good life and they're happy for you.
[01:01:52]  And that's a real friendship.
[01:01:53]  When you were in the worst time ever, actually, many people come out and they're like, I'm here for you.
[01:01:59]  But what they really want to do is just watch you 9-11 style jump out of the South Tower window and fall to the ground.
[01:02:07]  Because that's what people like to do.
[01:02:08]  They like to watch each other emollate.
[01:02:11]  So don't put too much stock into anything.
[01:02:14]  When things are good, that's when you figure out who your friends are.
[01:02:19]  And things have been good for me right now.
[01:02:20]  I mean, things are good for us right now.
[01:02:22]  Even though things are bad in the world, the show has been good and the live dates have gone good.
[01:02:26]  And I have some friends.
[01:02:27]  I have a handful of friends and I have a lot of acquaintances.
[01:02:30]  But I have a small, I have less than 10 really close friends, far less than 10.
[01:02:34]  I don't want to say how many I really have because then I have 10 people are like, well, I thought I, and it's a whole problem.
[01:02:39]  But it's a small group of people that I'm friends with now.
[01:02:44]  And when I was doing horribly, I had 100 friends.
[01:02:51]  Like when I look at the text I got when things are going really, really, like when I was just in Open Micro in New York City and nobody cared, I had no career.
[01:02:58]  Everyone was like, hey, happy Thanksgiving, man.
[01:03:00]  They would all take photos of our families.
[01:03:01]  Look at these fucks.
[01:03:02]  They don't understand us.
[01:03:04]  We're the next generation.
[01:03:05]  Fuck these fucks.
[01:03:07]  Go in there, steal a little money out of their purse.
[01:03:12]  And then everybody's, they're all out for, they're all in for it.
[01:03:16]  Then, when things go decently, you truly see there's a few people that actually come out to be a friend.
[01:03:21]  That is the opposite of what you're told.
[01:03:24]  You're told that your real friends are around you during the hard times.
[01:03:27]  Untrue.
[01:03:29]  Untrue.
[01:03:30]  Your real friends are around during the good times.
[01:03:36]  That's the reality.
[01:03:38]  And many of you don't want to hear that.
[01:03:44]  But that's the reality.
[01:03:49]  It's the good times.
[01:03:52]  Go give blankets to people that don't need them.
[01:03:55]  You understand?
[01:03:57]  Impress me.
[01:03:59]  You want to impress me?
[01:04:00]  Do you want to really impress me, TikTok stars?
[01:04:04]  Go take those blankets and give them back to Ellen.
[01:04:15]  Knock on her door.
[01:04:17]  Hi.
[01:04:20]  Give them back to her.
[01:04:21]  Go, you deserve these, you crazy bitch.
[01:04:24]  That would impress me.
[01:04:26]  Because that would mean they got, because a blanket for a homeless person is nice.
[01:04:30]  It's a nice thing.
[01:04:32]  But I would be much more interested if that homeless person was a sociopathic millionaire talk show host.
[01:04:44]  Then they get the blanket.
[01:04:48]  Then you see.
[01:04:50]  And why?
[01:04:50]  Why, Tim?
[01:04:51]  You don't understand.
[01:04:52]  You're sitting in the back and go, well, I know that there's a point here because there's no story if you give Ellen the blanket.
[01:05:01]  So it's real.
[01:05:04]  You see?
[01:05:06]  If you give the millionaire the blanket, it's real because no one reports or thinks favorably of you for doing it.
[01:05:20]  You get it now?
[01:05:22]  Or are you still confused, dummies?
[01:05:27]  Give charity to the rich.
[01:05:32]  Yes or yes?
[01:05:38]  Do you want to prove?
[01:05:40]  Do you want to prove that you have the Christmas spirit?
[01:05:45]  Give to those that have.
[01:05:47]  Give to those that have because it's real.
[01:05:54]  Because it's real.
[01:05:55]  There's no ulterior motive.
[01:05:57]  Give to those that have more than you.
[01:06:02]  Giving to those that have less than you shows me that you want me to come up and pat you on the back for the things that you are doing for those that have less than you.
[01:06:18]  It's not right.
[01:06:21]  Give to those that have more.
[01:06:23]  If you see someone that's doing well, help them do better.
[01:06:29]  That's the real lesson.
[01:06:31]  The Christmas Carol was great up until the end when Scrooge became a loser.
[01:06:38]  Because what Scrooge was saying is, we have to work.
[01:06:42]  Oh, but mister, I want to go have, I want to go to have the holidays with my family.
[01:06:48]  And Scrooge, Scrooge gave him a job, right?
[01:06:54]  Scrooge gave Bob Cratchit a job.
[01:06:56]  Is it Scrooge's fault that he had a cripple?
[01:07:00]  No.
[01:07:01]  Scrooge goes, hey, come into work and be a clerk.
[01:07:06]  Even knows what that is.
[01:07:07]  Write with a quill pen, be a freak in that corner.
[01:07:10]  And I'll fucking be a miser and run this ship.
[01:07:14]  And then what did Bob Cratchit do?
[01:07:17]  I forget.
[01:07:17]  He goes, I want to go home with my family because it's Christmas.
[01:07:21]  And Scrooge goes, you better fucking, you better figure it out.
[01:07:24]  You better get this shit done.
[01:07:27]  And I don't remember.
[01:07:30]  I think Cratchit leaves.
[01:07:32]  Cratchit leaves and goes home to be with his loser family, his son.

=== Scrooge Assaults the Business Owner (02:15) ===

[01:07:38]  Like, like his crippled son and his disgusting wife and in this hovel that he lives in.
[01:07:48]  And then he's there.
[01:07:49]  And then Scrooge, a fucking king, gets harassed by these communist ghosts, AOC, Bernie Sanders, and I don't even know.
[01:08:10]  Ilan Omar, maybe?
[01:08:11]  Yeah, Ilhan Omar.
[01:08:13]  I was going to say Cornell West because he kind of has a ghost look.
[01:08:17]  And then he wakes up the next day and he goes, buy the fattest turkey and give it to this loser, Cratchit.
[01:08:25]  It's not real.
[01:08:27]  Do you understand it?
[01:08:28]  They had to scare him.
[01:08:30]  They had to send the ghost.
[01:08:32]  Scrooge knew he was right.
[01:08:33]  Live in the security that you are correct all the time.
[01:08:38]  Even when you're not right, be right.
[01:08:42]  And Scrooge, by telling Cratchit, you have to work.
[01:08:46]  And things don't just happen.
[01:08:48]  You have to work is the best lesson of that.
[01:08:51]  Doesn't matter about the bullshit.
[01:08:52]  I want to eat figgy pudding.
[01:08:54]  Yes, yes, yes.
[01:08:55]  But you must, you must work.
[01:08:58]  And that was the real lesson of the Christmas Carol.
[01:09:00]  When he wakes up the next day and he goes, here's the turkey and bring the turkey to the family.
[01:09:09]  Also, like, can you imagine, like, that wouldn't even work?
[01:09:13]  Like, like, like, he would send the turkey and like the wife would be like, this is fucking guy who tortures you every day, sending the turkey over now.
[01:09:23]  Like, what's his game?
[01:09:26]  What's this guy's game?
[01:09:27]  This whole miser's piece of shit.
[01:09:29]  You know?
[01:09:30]  So that's how Ben's wife feels about me.
[01:09:33]  Like, I could deliver a Rolls-Royce to the house for both of them.
[01:09:38]  She'd go, what is this?
[01:09:39]  Do you have the brakes in?
[01:09:40]  What do we just try to kill me?
[01:09:42]  So that's my whole problem with the Christmas Carol is that it's an assault on a business owner, right?
[01:09:52]  Scrooge.

=== How We Will End The Show (06:51) ===

[01:09:54]  And by the way, am I?
[01:09:57]  Is the show sponsored by Turning Point USA?
[01:09:59]  Yes, it is.
[01:10:02]  And will I be doing a Turning Point USA's rereading of Scrooge?
[01:10:06]  Yes, I will.
[01:10:08]  And will I be doing it with Charlie Kirk?
[01:10:10]  Well, I just may.
[01:10:12]  And me and Charlie Kirk will reread a new version of Scrooge where there is respect for the entrepreneur.
[01:10:21]  Okay?
[01:10:22]  And not some low-level vagabond clerk and his gimp son.
[01:10:29]  We're doing a new version of the Christmas Carol with respect for the entrepreneur.
[01:10:38]  We're doing a new version of Oliver Twist.
[01:10:40]  You know, Oliver Twist, what's the famous line in Oliver Twist?
[01:10:43]  Can I have some more?
[01:10:44]  Please, sir, may I have some more?
[01:10:47]  And the new line, when me and Charlie have rewritten it, is, sir, I've had more than enough and everyone else has had too much and they're getting lazy.
[01:10:56]  So can I please go back to work?
[01:10:58]  That's the new line.
[01:11:01]  New readings of the class, Turning Point USA's new readings of the classics with Tim Dylan and Charlie Kirk.
[01:11:08]  I have not sold out.
[01:11:09]  I have bought in.
[01:11:12]  You see?
[01:11:13]  There's a difference between selling out and buying in.
[01:11:15]  And I find that I just want a blanket.
[01:11:22]  I just hope someone gives me a blanket.
[01:11:25]  That's how you know you're doing bad.
[01:11:26]  So the first reason you know that you've had a bad week is if people call you up and they're like, hey, we just want you to be really careful because of COVID.
[01:11:36]  And the second reason you know you've had a bad week and you look like shit is if a TikTok star hands you a blanket.
[01:11:44]  Then you know things are not going well.
[01:11:47]  So if those two things are happening, you might want to change what you're doing before you have to.
[01:11:56]  Great line for my old boss.
[01:11:58]  Change before you have to.
[01:11:59]  He's in jail.
[01:12:00]  Change before you have to.
[01:12:04]  You see?
[01:12:06]  But what I said about friendship there is so, so true, so correct.
[01:12:09]  And many of you will understand that.
[01:12:11]  And many of you won't understand it because you're trained in this basic bitch logic of just swallowing these Hallmark fairy tales about what life is.
[01:12:18]  And they're like, when the going gets tough, the shut up.
[01:12:23]  It's not true.
[01:12:25]  Okay?
[01:12:27]  It's not true.
[01:12:28]  So to the rules today are this.
[01:12:30]  Give to those that have more because it makes you feel good and it's real.
[01:12:37]  Okay?
[01:12:37]  That's the rule.
[01:12:39]  Another rule is your real friends are around during times of jubilation, not misery.
[01:12:46]  It's very true.
[01:12:48]  You might not like that.
[01:12:50]  The third rule is only attend a party at Whitney Cummings house if you've planned it.
[01:12:55]  She is.
[01:12:55]  I mean, God, that was.
[01:12:58]  What did you think?
[01:12:59]  What was your impression of it?
[01:13:00]  Well, I'm always on the hook for everything here because he doesn't say anything.
[01:13:03]  I mean, the food was kind of like inedible, in my opinion.
[01:13:06]  Yeah, it was bad.
[01:13:07]  What do you think about the, well, it was vegan and shit?
[01:13:09]  That's what they do in LA.
[01:13:10]  It's vegan.
[01:13:11]  Yeah, you know, it's a satanic priestess.
[01:13:14]  Does it blesses it?
[01:13:16]  What do you think about what'd you think about the decor?
[01:13:18]  What was the overall vibe?
[01:13:21]  It felt more Halloween to me.
[01:13:23]  It did.
[01:13:24]  The cook had a big hat.
[01:13:26]  Yeah.
[01:13:26]  And everything was orange.
[01:13:28]  It felt.
[01:13:29]  Now, you were around for the planning of my event, which didn't happen, but it was still planned.
[01:13:33]  Correct.
[01:13:33]  I assisted.
[01:13:35]  It was just going to be a different level.
[01:13:37]  Oh, yeah.
[01:13:38]  It was just going to be a little bit of a different level.
[01:13:39]  Yeah, yeah.
[01:13:40]  It's a different level.
[01:13:42]  More attention to detail.
[01:13:44]  You know?
[01:13:45]  Oh, yeah.
[01:13:46]  Oh, yeah.
[01:13:47]  That's all.
[01:13:48]  And a funner crew.
[01:13:50]  Yeah.
[01:13:51]  You think?
[01:13:53]  I mean, she's got like it's like half influencers, half reality stars.
[01:14:00]  People that she's dug out of a comedy chest from 1992 haven't worked in 30 years.
[01:14:06]  People.
[01:14:09]  I mean, it's like some influencers like, my daddy's a trillionaire.
[01:14:13]  And then some comic next to him that lives in a car.
[01:14:16]  It's like, what is going on?
[01:14:18]  You know, some Instagram influencers like, look at my golden pussy.
[01:14:22]  And then the person next to them is like, I live in a RAV4 I found.
[01:14:28]  So there's no semblance.
[01:14:30]  I don't even understand what's happening there.
[01:14:33]  You know?
[01:14:35]  It's like when people with drugs used to hang out with people without drugs, it would be like, yeah, I don't.
[01:14:39]  Right.
[01:14:39]  Yeah.
[01:14:40]  What are you doing here?
[01:14:43]  Very strange.
[01:14:46]  New studio being built.
[01:14:47]  When do you think we'll have the new studio?
[01:14:49]  Like, actually.
[01:14:50]  By the new year, we have to get some custom things built.
[01:14:52]  It's going to take a couple weeks.
[01:14:54]  It's going to take a couple of weeks.
[01:14:55]  Thank you for everybody who is a support of the fake business campaign.
[01:14:59]  Fake business.
[01:15:00]  We'll be doing real business up until, oh, it's over now.
[01:15:03]  Well, if you're on the West Coast and this episode's up, you might have a couple hours to still buy.
[01:15:08]  Yeah.
[01:15:08]  I mean, if you haven't bought it by now, what are you really doing?
[01:15:11]  Yeah.
[01:15:11]  What are you really doing out there?
[01:15:14]  You know?
[01:15:15]  So we're going to leave now.
[01:15:16]  We're going to disobey the lockdown because this is not essential.
[01:15:20]  Well, we're podcast.
[01:15:22]  So we're media, so I'm allowed to travel to your house and back to mine.
[01:15:26]  So we're allowed to go get food, right?
[01:15:28]  Because we have to come back and do ads after we go get the McRib.
[01:15:31]  Good point.
[01:15:32]  Hey, officer.
[01:15:36]  We're a podcast.
[01:15:37]  Have you heard of podcasting?
[01:15:39]  We're the media.
[01:15:40]  We are the media now.
[01:15:41]  Another thing I said is a joke.
[01:15:42]  It's now somehow real.
[01:15:44]  It's true.
[01:15:45]  We're the media.
[01:15:47]  What a fucking, what an insane realization, huh?
[01:15:52]  Yeah.
[01:15:52]  We're allowed to leave our homes because we're the media.
[01:15:55]  Yeah.
[01:15:57]  You think Gavin Newsome's in an office one day going, you're letting these fucks go to and from each other's houses and you're telling people to burn down my wineries?
[01:16:07]  It's Gavin, it's a metaphor.
[01:16:09]  A fan of the shows in there going, Gavin, he said do it with satire.
[01:16:13]  Yeah.
[01:16:14]  Burn down the winery with satire.
[01:16:17]  You know?
[01:16:19]  I'm not telling anyone.
[01:16:21]  This is how I'll end the show, which is funny.
[01:16:24]  This is how we're going to end the show.
[01:16:26]  I just want to clarify right now.
[01:16:27]  I am not telling anyone to set Gavin Newsom's winery on fire.
[01:16:32]  That is not what I'm doing at all.
[01:16:35]  This is a joke.
[01:16:36]  And I'm not.
[01:16:40]  If you're in the area and you have a lit cigarette.
[01:16:44]  Oh, goddammit.