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Scathing Concession Speeches00:12:42
My tripletex, tripletex all the time, 31st of Muy.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dylan show.
We are, I believe, in the death rows here of the Trump administration.
The aides are coming in and telling him it's time to let it go.
I believe he's got his family now.
He's got Ivanka, he's got Jared, he's got his sons, Don Jr. and Eric.
He's got Rudy Giuliani.
And it's a small group in the in the camp of don't concede.
And then I think most people now are starting to say, I don't know.
I don't know what you do if you're him.
I don't know.
I think you leave probably and go and do something else.
I don't, you know, I don't know why you're doing this into the first place.
Can't get anything done.
The deep state and everyone else is against you.
It's like, what?
What is the point?
Like, truly, what is the point?
Like, if it's hopelessly corrupt, which I might even agree with him on.
Like, if he sat down and had lunch with me after this and went, the whole thing's fucked, I'd go, I would agree with you.
Why even do it?
For the rallies?
For the fun?
I mean, just to be Springsteen to get out on a stage and like rock out.
Like, if you, you know, I get it.
The guy believes that he can do something you can't.
I mean, it's clear that you cannot.
I don't know.
I mean, I don't want to be too negative, but even by his own admission, the swamp, his words is just, you know, too great to be drained.
Maybe, maybe it's time to go.
I don't know anything about voting or voting irregularities.
I've spoken to a lot of people that go, this isn't happening.
People at Fox News, Republicans, people that wanted him to win, people that have a lot of fucking money and wanted the guy to win.
And they're like, there's no real evidence of these massive voting irregularities.
A lot of them are like troll things where they're like, this guy who's 2,000 years old voted in Wisconsin.
And then you look it up and you're like, that's not true.
And I'm sure every election there are some voting irregularities.
It means like how many of them are there?
How big of a problem is it?
Recount.
Do whatever you need to do.
Recount it.
Make everybody happy.
You know, again, I don't know.
I don't.
These vote counting operations don't know what's going on there.
Trump has filed a lot of lawsuits.
I don't know the merit that they have or not.
I think he probably lost.
I feel like that.
I don't know if they stole the election from him.
Unless you want to say that all the mail-in ballots are invalid, and which I don't think you can do.
I think it makes sense to say that the people that took COVID very seriously probably voted for Biden and that Trump won in the day of voting.
but in the mail-in ballots, they are going to heavily break for Biden because those are people that probably for the reason of COVID didn't want to vote.
So I don't, is there a tremendous group of people that's like, I'm not voting because of COVID, but I'm voting for Trump.
Probably not.
There's probably not a huge contingent of people that are like, I'm afraid of COVID so much that I won't walk into a voting place.
And I love Trump.
That's logically, I just go, that's probably not a huge group.
But I don't put anything past anybody.
I don't know.
But I think it's getting to the point now where even like Trump's close advisors are going, hey, what are we going to do here?
What's the plan?
I think he could use this opportunity to give one of the most scathing concession speeches in American political history.
The most scathing and entertaining.
Don't even mention Biden by name.
Don't even mention Kamala by name, Kamala.
Rogan kept correcting me.
Kamala.
Don't mention them by name.
Just do a scathing concession speech.
Don't even concede, but you got to leave.
But don't even concede.
Go, I won.
How about this?
Resign so that Pence can pardon you for whatever they try to go at you for when you leave.
I'm not trying to be a naysayer.
I know a lot of people are angry with me.
They're like, no, he's got to fight on.
For what?
It's over.
And guess what?
The AOC, who I called a genocidal maniac on Twitter today, and I stand by that, she's done too.
She's done.
The right, the young right-wingers and the young left wing, they're all done.
Corporate power won.
They won, and you are now, you're going to go from zoomer to boomer, the zoomer to boomer pipeline.
And this is what's going to happen.
Within a year, you're going to forget that you ever believed in anything.
Within a year, within three years, you're going to have a shitty job, a girlfriend or boyfriend.
You're going to start liking the entertainment that comes out and you're going to start pricing out cruises because coronavirus is going to be over and you're going to go, I want to go on a cruise.
You're going to start eating it.
You're going to move to a shitty suburb and you're going to start going out to eat at a local restaurant and it's over now.
And AOC could tweet all she wants about, let's put all the names of people that ever said anything positive about Trump.
Look at this lunatic.
Is anyone archiving these Trump sycophants for when they try to downplay or deny their complicity in the future?
I foresee decent probability of many deleted tweets, writings, photos in the future.
This woman has the same impulses as Donald Trump, authoritarian impulses.
She wants to start making lists of people that supported Trump.
I mean, that's a problem, no?
But Really, Trump got a higher percentage of the African-American vote and Latino vote.
Young people did not come out again, as they never do.
The socialist coalition just didn't work.
Didn't work.
You've got Joe Biden and Kamal Harris.
You've got two Republicans, essentially, in the White House.
So the extremes on both sides ended up losing.
It's business as usual.
Who told you that?
Who told you that?
Sorry.
I hate being right.
I'm right week in, week out, all the time.
And I tell you people things and you get mad at me for being correct.
What an odd thing to be mad at, a person for being on the money all the time.
Here's what's going to happen.
No.
What?
And then it happens and they're still angry with me.
It's back to business as usual.
Don't worry about it.
We've only got a few more years left on earth.
Enjoy it.
It'll be fine.
Go back to, I predict what's going to happen.
This is what I predict.
I could be wrong, but I'm never wrong.
I predict when COVID ends, when Trump is out, we are going to enter another era of goofy, silly comedy and entertainment.
I believe that we are heading towards a great era, potentially, of people like Jim Carrey, people like Eddie Murphy, people that are not focused on the political, the social commentary.
To a degree, you'll have those people that are funny, that are in that space.
But I think you're going to see a return to goofy and thank God for that.
I hope.
It's my hope.
It's my hope.
Imagine if people got more serious after this.
I don't think so.
Imagine that.
Could it happen?
Colbert is crying.
All the late night hosts cry every week.
I mean, what else could they do?
Throw tantrums?
I guess they could lay on the floor and pound their fists like a child.
But I mean, they cry every week.
It's a regular occurrence now to see late night comedians crying.
How could that get more serious?
I imagine they're going to get goofy again.
Here he comes.
I mean, look at this person.
What is he wearing?
He looks like a Vegas lounge sugar.
He's in all black.
What is he doing?
I don't know.
He makes tens of millions of dollars a year.
And he's dressed like a divorced history teacher who's going out on the first date he's had in six months.
Christ.
So we all knew he would do this.
This is late night comedy.
I mean.
What I didn't know is that it would hurt so much.
Yeah.
These are comedians.
I didn't expect this to break my heart.
These are comedians in 2020.
That's a completely different.
For me to cast a dark shadow on our most sacred right from the briefing room in the White House, our house, not his.
That is devastating.
This is heartbreaking for the same reason that I didn't want him to get COVID.
Certainly why I want him to survive, because he is the president of the United States.
That office means something and that office should have some shred of decency.
Okay.
Well, those are comedians.
So that's the comedy that you've been provided with for the last four years.
Maybe that will change.
Like perhaps this will be the catalyst in the business that I'm in because occasionally I do mention that.
Not all the time because I don't think everything's about comedy.
And I don't think that like.
The kind of comedy you get justifies whatever happening.
If you love Trump, I get it.
This is not a good consolation prize that these people stop crying.
I'm just saying an unintended consequence might be that there might be, you know, some silly comedy coming back.
You know, nothing too serious.
I don't know if that's the case or not.
Everyone is so serious now.
Dinner in a Parking Lot00:11:56
I would have to dinner tonight in a parking lot surrounded by traffic cones.
Thanks, Kevin Newsome, because we can't walk in a building unless we promise to burn it down, BLM.
So we have to sit in a parking lot surrounded by traffic cones to have dinner.
And we're in Echo Park, Los Angeles, which is a nightmare.
It's a rapidly decaying hellscape.
And it's full of these artists and pseudo-intellectuals, but primarily dilettantes, people that think they're in the arts and are not.
People are under the impression they are comedians and are not.
And then, of course, you get a few comedians here and there.
We're sitting in this restaurant called Tex, which is a horrible name, but it's a good restaurant.
It's country French, as the waitress told us.
She has not showered in weeks, and she has her ratty hair clinging to her face in amphetamine sweat.
And she said, it's country French cuisine.
She is correct about that.
And the food is very good.
The food is very good.
But text tax, what's it called?
Text?
Text out.
Who cares?
Doesn't matter.
Folks, it's gone anyway.
T-A-I-X French restaurant.
And it's really good.
It's been there since 1927.
Well, what's coming in?
A high rise in Echo Park because more people need to live in condos in Echo Park.
So they have a high rise coming in and this restaurant is closing.
We all know that.
We all know that.
And instead of just enjoying one of our last meals, of course, we have the waitress who we have to relive her horror for the entirety of the meal.
She's telling us about the owner and that the owner's not really doing anything and the owner doesn't let them know what's going on and they don't know when they're closing and he didn't spend, you know, she goes, well, we had to set this whole thing up.
We had to get the tables and chairs from the downstairs.
And then she's talking about the council woman.
I hope Nithia wins because some socialist candidate, she goes, I hope Nithia wins.
You know, she's taking deep breaths.
And I want to grab her and say, with all due respect, can you shut your mouth, please?
We are trying to enjoy a meal.
Can you shut your mouth?
Every time she came near the table, I mean, she looked wounded.
I'm like, do we have to take you to a hospital?
I know it's been a tough five months.
I know you haven't worked.
Can you pull it together for Christ?
I can't deal with it.
Shut up about the city councilwoman who you think is going to save your life.
I hope she wins.
I hope she wins this gaunt heroin addict at the French restaurant.
And this is all the servers now.
All of the service, because now it's the fall and I'm doing a lot of, you know, one of my sports, which I go out to dinner now.
And this is kind of my sport.
We kind of settle into the, from now until January, this is going out to dinner season.
You see people you haven't seen in a while.
And now, because I live in Los Angeles, you get to go out to dinner in parking lots and alleys and things like that.
And it's great.
But the servers now are like they're, they have this weird, like they're wearing their heart on their sleeve because they've been out of work for so long and everything's been so tragic for so long.
And they feel like you have to sit there and like take it.
You have to like stomach their nightmare of a life while you try to eat, you know, risotto.
And you have to sit there and go, yeah, so the owner doesn't even tell you when it's closing, huh?
What do you want from us?
You want to come live with us?
Is that what you envision happens at the end of this?
I go, well, why don't you live with us?
Seems fair.
Don't tell me that you hope a certain politician won during dinner.
Who cares?
Leave it alone.
It's potentially a volatile conversation.
She goes, I hope, I hope she won.
I hope she won.
I'm sleeping in this lot.
God, I'm trying to eat food that's a little expensive and I don't want to feel guilty about it.
So can you get out of here?
I mean, the woman had the look of somebody who like chases down semen with cough syrup under a bridge without like the spunky, fun-loving personality you'd imagine someone like that having.
I don't want a super serious in the midst of a crisis server.
Put it together.
I just did a big election live stream with Rogan.
I was tired.
The Airbnb canceled on us.
I didn't get any sleep the night before.
I got in an argument with Dan, the kid that opens for me, and I made him go sit under a tree.
I'm like, I don't want to look at you.
We can't even be in the same parking lot.
We get to Rogan's early.
Nobody's there.
We got to sit on the curb because the Airbnb couldn't get a cleaning crew.
And the day is a nightmare.
You know what I did?
I went to work.
I shut my mouth and went to work.
And we had a great time.
I didn't make everybody participate in my misfortune.
It's not fair.
Keep it close to the vest.
And here's another thing.
I got to be very honest with you.
And I know this isn't popular.
Enough with the donating to the kids in the hospital with cancer.
No one believes that the money is going to them.
And it's the same kid over and over again.
You're not fooling me.
It's the same bald kid over and over again.
Can you tell them apart?
It's to say, why am I going to the fat store?
And don't everyone in the fat store is dying.
Why are there more dead people when I check out?
Can you explain to me why I got to look at this cancerous child who looks pretty fucking skinny, by the way?
All the fat people, when they check out of the fat store, have to look at these emaciated children.
We're jealous as fuck.
We're not donating money.
We want to know how they look like that.
How do they see their rib cage?
And I got to look at emaciated cancer kids to make me feel like shit.
And then you got to ask me for a dollar to help these skinny fucks.
I think not.
Let me out of the fat store and just let me go.
And the other thing, DXL, you pieces of shit.
Stop giving the paper $25 reward.
Get rid of the rewards at the fat store.
Number one, get rid of them.
We shouldn't even have the fat rewards at DXL.
You shouldn't say, hey, you're fat again this month.
Here's $25.
Come back here next month if you don't have a coronary and get $25 off a $190 shirt because apparently it's four times the price of anything else because you're fat.
So they give you this $25 little piece of thing and you lose it.
They don't give you any digital rewards.
You lose it.
They go, bring it back next month.
They give you, and I yell at them now.
I go, this is bullshit.
I get right in their face.
I go, you know, I'm going to lose it.
You say, I'm going to bring it in next month.
I said, I scream at them.
I say, none of the fat fucks who shop here are going to remember this little piece of paper.
We're going to eat it.
So do it digitally or don't do it at all.
Email us or don't do it at all.
And enough with the St. Jude's Hospital.
Hey, donate to these skinny fucks.
No thanks.
That's just a PSA for the fat store, which I'm trying very hard to not have to go to anymore because I've only shopped there for the last three years.
And it is very depressing, that store.
And the people that work there are very depressed.
Every now and then, it's nice to see someone who's much fatter than me there.
You will see someone who's like 500 pounds.
And that makes you feel great.
That makes you feel great.
When somebody just waddles in and that's great.
You feel hot.
You start looking at yourself like, I'm hot as fuck when this fat walks in and the guy, his knees are just buckling.
And he's just like, and he can barely speak.
He can just kind of motion with his arm and his arm.
It's not even an arm anymore.
It's just like a just a wing.
It's like a wing of fat.
And they just, and he's always with some like handler, nurse or whatever.
And they're just trying to like wrap a coat around him.
I feel hot as fuck.
I jerk off the dressing room.
I'm like, yeah, that's right.
But enough.
But we're back.
We had a nice dinner at this place.
I'm not shitting on this restaurant.
I like the restaurant.
I too.
And I like the restaurant.
I just, I would just request that the waitress shut her mouth.
Also, don't tell me you've been working here a trillion years.
That depresses all of us.
It's just depressing to all of us.
It depresses all of us when you tell us you've been there 12 years.
That depresses everybody.
That's not something where we're supposed to congratulate you.
I've been here 12 years.
We go.
Good.
Okay.
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I had fun taping a YouTube thing today with Cody Ko, YouTuber Very funny, nice guy Like a genuinely nice person Thank you very much Very nice.
A good guy, pretty girlfriend, serfs, like you know, just a person that you know has no reason to not be a good person.
You know what I mean?
And we went and tried milkshakes at Slushyland.
Milkshakes at Slushyland00:05:35
Okay.
I'm not really a huge milkshake guy, but he goes, Would you like to do a dessert?
And of course, you know, because his show is called Sweet Tooth.
And I said, Yeah, I'd like to do like a chocolate souffle, but I mean, it's LA.
So, what do you, these people don't know what a chocolate souffle is, right?
Right.
So, we went to slushyland, you know, it was fine, it was fun.
Go support slushyland, by the way, if you're in the valley.
I don't know, I'm not shitting on slushy land.
I, they, you know, it was good.
It's the cereal ice cream thing that everybody's doing.
I don't know what, I don't know what that is.
I don't understand what the obsession is with cereal, other than magic spoon, which is essential.
But I don't understand why everybody now cannot everybody has to, everybody's trying to recapture their childhood.
Everything is a you know, nostalgia-based activity.
And uh, the at uh slushyland, they do a lot of cereal, and we had these weird shaved ice corn things.
Interesting, it was odd.
It was odd.
Did you like the corn shaved ice?
I did not, I didn't really enjoy it either.
Yeah, I spit it out too, but that's okay.
What are you gonna do?
Ben spits it out up the block.
Goes, I hope they didn't see me spitting it out.
I'm like, Thanks a lot, making me look bad.
Trying to do a little party for Friendsgiving.
I used to hate Friendsgivings, and I still kind of do because I hate other people and I don't like them near me.
But I do want to do a little one and we're trying to put together a Friendsgiving.
I always didn't like the connotation of Friendsgiving, I always thought it was kind of like I, especially in New York City, because to me, New York City, a Friendsgiving should be like two transgender people or gay people who had been kicked out of their house in the Midwest who can't go home for Thanksgiving, who do cocaine together in the East Village bar.
That's what Friendsgiving should be.
It should not be like a cluster of young professionals drinking cold brew and talking about corporate music festivals, which is really what it is.
And that disgusts me.
But New York City, the city I love, is dead, and I don't care about it anymore.
And I don't care about whatever, whatever hell they want to create over there, they can do it.
But yeah, so that's why the Friendsgiving.
I don't like like the young professional thing is not for me.
Like it's this confident, like paint by numbers life where people are like, I want to do what everybody else has done and I want to get what they've gotten and I want to, I want to check every box and I want to go to this school and major in this and do this and do that.
It's just never been for me.
I don't look down on the people who live like that.
I understand why a lot of people have to live like that, but that's my aversion to friends giving.
I don't like these created things, right?
I don't like corporate music festivals.
I never liked that because it all it felt, you know, everybody was corralled into Governor's Island or whatever.
And they're like, and here's the 12 acts and here's what you see.
And to me, I just want to go out in the world and find things and enjoy.
And I want my music to be people that are broken down and it's almost over and they're performing in a bar in Austin, Texas, and they're bleeding as they sing.
They're bleeding.
Their hands are bleeding and they're barely making sense anymore.
And they're just, they're really just saying one sentence over and over.
They're going, we're all going to die tomorrow.
We're all going to die today.
And everybody there watching them is kind of transfixed by this.
And, you know, they don't have any success and they want to die.
And that's the type of music I like.
I don't really, I like all kinds of music.
I just, I gravitate.
I'm, of course, kidding a little, but like guys like James McMurtry, where I can go and see them in the Continental Club at midnight on Wednesday in Austin, Texas.
And he's fucking great and he murders and he's great, you know, phenomenal.
And I went with your friend Travis and we saw that show and it was great.
And there was nothing about it that was like thought up, you know, this is very different than the corporate steakhouse, which I adore.
But when it comes to music, I like it to be a little rough around the edges.
When I see music, and I know that there's big acts and I've seen Springsteen and Tina Turner, all these massive planets.
I get it.
But like the corporate music festival, I also sobered up before all of this fun stuff.
I sobered up before it was fun, before they really started designing activities for people to just do drugs.
I used to have to do drugs and go about my regular day.
This wasn't a theme park of drugs when I was, you know, really using drugs.
Yeah, there was Lollapalooza.
There was things like that.
But now, I mean, they just literally create events for young professionals to go and do Molly or whatever they're doing and, you know, have fun.
I just missed out on that.
Raising the Little Guy00:09:16
You know, I had to sit there.
I had to do cocaine in an office, okay?
With sweaty, middle-aged, delusional psychopaths who were losing everything.
And that wasn't exactly the party, was it?
I had to sit there and do lines of cocaine in an office where next to me, some fat slob was eating a chicken parmesan that he could barely afford.
That was the party.
Isn't it fun?
When I look back on my drug use, what a waste.
What a waste.
I should have been on Governor's Island rolling around in the grass, but I was not.
Why?
Because I was listening to a presentation in the Huntington Hilton.
Coke to the gills trying to learn how to sell mortgages.
What a waste.
What a horrible life.
What a horror.
That's why when I go to dinner, I don't need your nightmares.
You don't think I have nightmares?
Why don't you sit down?
I'll tell you about my life.
Yes.
Oh, you're upset that the restaurant's closing?
I lived in fear.
My sexuality was fear-based.
I couldn't be honest with anyone.
My mother's a schizophrenic.
My father is a salesman who doesn't sell anything.
I was a salesman who didn't sell anything.
I spent a decade doing cocaine.
And instead of fucking on a beach, I sat in an office in Long Island.
What?
And now I just want to forget that happened and have a cassoulet at the French restaurant that's closing without you and your pain.
Attaching yourself to my dinner.
We all don't have problems.
You want me to, my problems every minute of every day?
That's what I like about Dan.
Dan didn't have any problems.
That's why I like having Dan around.
He doesn't know what problems are.
He's perplexed.
This kid grew up in a cult.
He grew up in a Christian cult.
They made him think he had no value when he was going to hell and they were right.
He knows the darkness.
He knows what it's.
He's from Texas.
They don't speak to each other.
They all just stare at the sky until the end.
That's all they do.
They stare at the sky until a merciful God smites them.
And we're just trying to have chocolate mousse in a parking lot without your aura.
Is it too much to ask?
But that's what I like about Dan.
Dan just doesn't, he doesn't understand.
His biggest problem is that his mom was mean to him once.
That's his issue.
He'll be like, yeah, my mom was a little mean to me.
Let me tell you right now, I wish to God my mother could have been mean to me.
She was at Wendy's collecting toy sets.
She was collecting Disney toy sets and cataloging them and putting them under her bed.
And during Hurricane Sandy, they all floated down the street.
And Princess Diana Bears finally made their escape and floated down the street in Long Island.
And I had to walk through them getting into the house.
Yes, it would be nice if my mother was mean to me.
But that's why I keep him around because he lightens me up.
This guy darkens me.
But I need that.
We can't do the show with Dan.
Dan doesn't understand any of it.
I start screaming and yelling about the horrors.
Dan goes, I don't understand.
What about girls in the pool in the frat?
I say no to the frat.
I say, every day I go to the fat store and I have to look at these skinny cancer fucks on the way out.
Makes me feel like shit.
And Dan will go, but they're sick.
And I go, no, I'm sick of it.
But that's why it's good to have him around.
You need someone around who has a different life experience than you, who doesn't know what the horrors are.
He doesn't know what the horrors are.
You know?
He's proud of his dad.
His dad gets two bronze stars in Iraq.
I'd be proud.
I mean, my father worked at Color Tile.
He worked at Color Tile.
Do you understand?
That's where fat women from Long Island come in and he, I think he got fired from that.
He couldn't handle the rigors of color tile.
This guy's dad has two bronze stars.
My father drove a Mazda Navajo that's for people that can't afford a Ford Explorer.
It's a Mazda Navajo.
Your dad has two bronze stars.
You complain about, you don't, you're not allowed to complain about anything.
You're from good people.
They're pedagogists.
They're pedigreed peep.
These are real people.
Bronze stars.
I love my father.
But I mean, he sells wine.
He's like me.
He's full of shit.
But that's why I like to keep Dan a rat.
It's like, you don't make a lot of friends in life.
And at my age at 35, you really don't make any friends.
Friends are a problem for the most.
But that's what you people need to rest.
That's the other thing that disgusts me about young people.
It's like, you need to understand that your friends are a problem.
I love, I mean, listen, I just got made godfather to a beautiful baby boy that my friends, because now I have a little money, so they made me godfather.
Let's get very real about what that is.
But that's okay.
But I love him.
He's a beautiful little baby boy.
But I'm now worried about this little guy.
You know, and I like his parents, but I mean, you know, I mean, if something happens to them, I got to raise this little guy, you know?
And I think a lot of the time that I should kind of raise him.
And they're good.
They're fine.
I'm just saying that like your friends become a liability is my point.
They just handed me the kid.
I'm sitting there.
They're like, I don't know what they're doing.
They just hand me the kid.
I'm sitting in my backyard.
The dog, the bulldog's running around, like destroying the house.
The kid's like, the kid's six weeks old.
He's like riding the bulldog around the house.
Then they come hand me the kid and go, that's, you're the godfather now.
You're the godfather.
And by the way, where's the check?
Huh?
And I appreciate that, but your friends are a liability now.
They're going to want things from you.
So what's good about Dan is that he's just, he's a little bit of a brat and he doesn't know how good he's fucking had it.
So every day I tell him, I tell him, and he'll get sick of that soon and not be friends with me anymore.
But I tell him all the time, this is how good you fucking had it.
You've got a great, you've had a great fucking life.
And you don't understand the horrors that I've been, the nightmares that my life has been.
It's indescribable.
My mother, I made her take me to Lucerque.
You've been.
And in eighth grade, Lucerque 2000 in the Palace Hotel.
And this bitch wore a sweater with a cat on it.
And immediately, the Maitre D was like, oh, good.
The trash pigs are here.
So I got to walk through the dining room at Lucerque with my mother with a sweater with a cat on it.
Is that not as bad as getting shot by the cops at a hoodie on?
I'm asking.
I've never been shot by the cops.
I'm asking a question.
Is that not as bad?
I think it's on par.
I think it's on par.
Let me go speak to victims of police violence.
I believe they will agree with me that it is on par to walk into a French restaurant with your mother who's wearing like a cat swickle, Winnie the Pooh sweater, to Lucerque.
This goofy bitch.
Dan's probably the last friend I'll make.
I'll make a few career friends.
You can't make too many more.
I'm 35.
I'm full with friends.
The friends that I have now are starting to become a problem and they will become more and more of a problem.
So I can't, you know, I love the little guy.
I'm going to be a great godfather.
I'm going to give the money.
I'm going to watch out for it.
But it's like, I can't, God forbid I become friends with another couple that wants me to be a god.
Walking with Mom00:04:29
I can't do it.
What am I going to do?
I mean, I guess I can.
But I mean, you know, this couple, usually most couples, you're a godfather.
You go, yeah, the kid will be great.
This couple, I'm like, I probably, I might have to step in here, raise a kid.
I might have to raise a kid.
I might have to call Chopper Texas Services on them to take the kid.
I might call a lawyer and I may get the kid now to just avoid the embarrassment of later on.
You know, I'm kidding, of course.
It's a comedy show.
I miss Donald Trump already.
I do miss, I do miss him.
I miss him a little bit.
He's not gone yet, and yet I miss him.
But I think his post-presidency, he's not going to be like Jimmy Carter.
I mean, this guy, Jimmy Carter, just goes and builds houses for the homeless.
I mean, you want to talk about boring?
And by the way, and by the way, I don't even, I don't even know anymore like what the homeless answer is.
I don't even know what it is.
I don't even know what it is.
Homeless people have become so, like they're like, we should utilize that skill set that they have.
Like in LA, they live on like an overpass while cars just go by them at 90 miles an hour.
There's got to be, like, that's kind of impressive.
And there's got to be a way to key into that.
Like a guy who starts every day walking across a busy highway in sandals, something's, something's going on there that I think is positive.
But I don't know.
I don't know how to go in and get it.
I don't know how to go in and get it.
That's all.
But I look at many of the homeless people around town and I go, and this is probably the wrong feeling.
I got to say this delicately.
I say everything delicately here.
You understand?
But I look at some of the homeless people around town and I go, good for them?
Like they're doing it.
They're really doing it.
And I think we're not nearly as positive about homelessness as we should be.
I think we should be more positive.
Like, why don't put up banners that say, you're the LA homeless, we're doing it.
What about a banner that says, hey, homeless for another year?
You're doing it.
You're still raising your kids.
They still alive?
We're doing it.
Why not?
I'm serious because things are so bad.
I know what you mean.
Why not be a little positive about it?
It's not going away.
We're not making it better.
So why not like do like a campaign to make people feel good about being homeless?
Like stop shaming them for being homeless.
And I like that we're saying unhoused now.
So we don't even call them homeless.
We say just unhoused.
Like temporarily housed.
Let's move full force into a branded campaign.
Make homelessness cool.
What about that?
What about if it was, what if it was cool to not have a house?
Think about it.
Remember the 60s?
You don't remember it.
People like lived in fields.
They were in cults.
They lived in communes.
It was kind of cool.
They're like, fuck it, dude.
Get a house that should, that's square.
I don't want to be a square.
Why not like have that happen again?
Make people feel cool for being homeless.
Yeah.
Why am I not asked how to solve these things?
Make it feel.
Look, I live on a highway.
I don't live in a condo.
I live on a fucking highway.
There's something badass about that.
We need to lean into it as a society and as a culture.
You know?
COVID has become, it is now back.
The cases are up.
Friendsgiving on the Highway00:10:03
If I do a friends giving, I got to get COVID tests for everybody.
If they come over, because I've decided to stay in LA for another year and we got a house for a year.
And if people come over now, I have to test them for corona.
This is what you have to do now.
If you have an event at your house, you got to set up an ER in the house for people.
You got to set up IV bags.
You got to have a full thing.
So what I'm doing is I got to figure out how to get a doctor or a nurse to sit outside my home and do COVID rapid COVID tests for everybody that wants to come in and eat meatballs or whatever.
And I get it.
Yeah.
I get it.
You got to be responsible.
But it adds money.
It adds whatever.
But you got to do it.
I want to invite, here's what I want to do with the Friendsgiving.
Go with me on this.
Here's what I want.
This is the, I want to want this guest list.
Ready?
Nelk.
Barry Weiss.
She likes the show.
Yes.
I want Barry Weiss, right?
The Nelk kids that blow up cars and stuff.
Barry Weiss.
Ryan Phillippe, fan of the show.
Yes.
90s heartthrob.
Early 2000s heartthrob.
Fan of the show.
Jeff Garland, fan of the show.
Have him there.
Okay.
Now we need diversity.
We talked about this.
We can't.
And I, you know, what if we flew in Candace Owens to come to the Friendsgiving?
I want to reach out to your manager and go, I will pay Candace Owens $10,000.
I will find your, thank you, patrons.
This is where your money's going.
I will fly Candace Owens and have Candace Owens and Nelk recreate the George Floyd incident.
Yes or yes.
Yes.
And Barry Weiss write an article and say that it's okay.
This is the Friendsgiving that I would like.
I'm asking if this is possible.
I'm not saying that I want a Friends give.
My parties are not for people to get drunk and have sex and enjoy each other's company.
I want an awkward time where people that don't like each other and shouldn't like each other suffer.
That's why I want to fill the room with like controversial people and then retards and then literally just see what happens, like YouTubers and Conservative pundits and the far left people and just a nightmare where it's not fun and no one understands why they're there and no one understands why I put them there.
That's what I want.
Like the Nelk parties are fun, right?
Tits are out, full send.
Everyone's like enjoying themselves.
I can't explain to you how I want my party to be the opposite of that.
I want Barry Weiss in the kitchen, like arguing with Ethan Klein about something, trying to find common ground.
I don't know.
They'll probably find it.
But that's what I would like.
I would like that.
That's what I want.
I want Cody Coe and Candace Owens to discuss the appetizers.
I want Ryan Phillippi to be there and to have a discussion with, I don't know, James Baker.
Why can't we get him?
We know his granddaughter.
But that's the type of party I want.
A sexless, awkward, stilted, anxiety-producing, strange, hellish, pointless thing that amuses me.
I just want to be amused for a few hours if I spend the money.
I just want to be amused.
That's all I want.
So there's all these Hollywood Hills parties that are like super cool.
I just want eggplant parmesan and people discussing the election.
And I want it divided between like YouTubers who don't know that an election happened and like people that have been canceled.
I'll get everybody.
I will get, I will have a karaoke party with Barry Weiss and Crystalia, yes or yes.
Barry Weiss, Crystalia, Brian Callan, Candace Owens, Tim Dylan, the Nelk people, karaoke, maybe Don Jr. and Kimberly Guilfoyle.
Just awkward.
People are paranoid that they're going to be canceled if a photo leaks.
They don't want to be, they're upset that they're there.
That's what I want.
If I'm going to do a Friendsgiving, it's going to be, I want it to be that.
Something that gets people going, who is that?
Who is that?
I want to look at a corner of the room and see Steve Bannon explaining the conflict with China to Jake Paul.
Like, that's what I want to see.
I want to see that.
I want to see that happen.
And then I can leave LA.
I'm like going to do another year here.
But I only want to do a year here if I could just kind of create these moments that just amuse me.
They don't matter.
It's not going to matter.
Who cares?
No one's going to care.
I just want to be amused because I think life is a joke because It is.
So I just want to behave in a manner that is like that.
And I want to throw events that are like that.
I just want to throw events that are like that.
You know?
Where people can, people from all walks of life, but really the same walk of life, which is narcissism.
That's truly what it is.
All of the people I mentioned, as different as they are, they're addicted to themselves and they're addicted to attention.
And I think putting them in a room and serving them food that's much better than they can even appreciate.
People in LA, nobody knows anything.
Nobody knows anything about good food.
I mean, it would be a waste, right?
It is a waste.
I could serve them cat food and go get Oscar's dish and pass it around.
They go, yeah, you can, yeah.
But that's the type of event that I would like to do.
And I hope we get there.
I don't know that we will.
I'm going to try.
Oi, er hjemmelaget la sanje?
Ja, men det er bare Toro, altså.
Bare Toro?
Det er jo så godt så hjemmelaget, bare er mye enklere.
Fyldig saus, deilig smak, og alle liker det.
Når det er så lett å lage noe så godt, hvorfor gjør det vanskelig, he?
Toro, kjempegodt nok.
Are you going to Texas for Thanksgiving?
No, no, staying here.
Interesting.
Yeah.
A lot of people are not traveling.
No, no.
A lot of people are not traveling for the holidays.
We might go to New York in December.
Yeah.
They're shutting it all down, but New York's now got the National Guard out.
Almost got the guard.
Meatball has the guard out in the airports now.
How about you get the National Guard to surround your brother's house because he's a liar, liar, liar, pants on fire?
I mean, I'm kind of, I'm really fed up with New York.
I'd love to go back, but I just don't.
I think COVID is just going to, the winter is shot.
The winter is shot.
We've rescheduled the dates in Denver and Omaha, Kansas City.
I've explained why.
A lot of these clubs are cutting capacity, this, that, and the other thing on the other end of this.
And then a lot of them are like, well, we're not canceled yet, but we are hearing things that we maybe can't.
I'm like, I just want to, let's just put it three months in the future where we can do it and we could do it in a capacity.
Hopefully, that is back to side.
So we just got to get over this second, whatever it is, second wave, second hump.
And then we can go back out and make people laugh live because that's what we want to do.
But until then, we are podcasting here.
We're podcasting on Patreon.
And that's what we're doing.
We're not, you know, we're just trying to live.
We're trying to go out to dinner.
Waiting for the Second Wave00:15:58
We're trying to, you know, connect with friends with people we don't like, but we have to see.
When you're in your 30s, your friends are just people you know.
They're not even people you like, really.
They're just people you've met.
That's true.
They're people you've met because it's almost in your 30s.
I'm 35.
What starts to happen is you start to have this realization that you're like, you know, the golden moments of friendship when you're like, you're like young and you're like, we're going to, we're going to take over the world and we're going to go to college and bang so many bitches or whatever.
And then you find out that you're gay and you're not going to college and your parents have no money and they're degenerates.
And then, and then it's all over with the friend.
What are you going to do?
The friendships.
What do we do with the friendships?
And then the only friends you have are people that come up to you and go, I think you're so talented.
And then you find out that they're living in a pool of blood.
So what, you know?
So, you know, I have a small group.
We got a small group of friends.
I got a small group of friends.
Ben, this frat kid, Dan, smarter than most frat kids.
Barry Weiss.
Ryan Philip.
I've never met Barry Weiss.
I've never even met Barry Weiss.
Supposedly she's a fan of the show.
I don't even know what that means.
I don't even know what that means.
She looks like a pastry.
You know what I mean?
She says very incendiary things, but she's got a very doughy face that you imagine like gives you some type of baked good.
Supposedly she wanted to have lunch with me.
I'll have lunch with her.
I don't care.
Sure.
Should I do a video as Barry Weiss?
She's on the view now.
Oh, yeah.
Barry Weiss is on the view.
Man, the view just won't die, huh?
The view's been around forever.
Yeah, I can't play any clips, but yeah.
Yeah, she's on the view.
Don't play any clips.
Look at our girl, Megan.
Did Megan have the baby yet?
I think so.
Man, Barry Weiss and Megan McCain.
These guys sawing their cocks off.
Yeah, she gave birth.
Good for her.
Good for her.
I mean, the bitch blocked me.
What did I do?
I had a little minute of fun at your expense, and you got angry at me for no reason.
I did nothing wrong.
She looks good.
Yeah, she does.
Good for her.
She looks good.
Is that where he bought her?
I'm kidding, folks.
What is that?
A farm?
I guess it's her ranch or something.
Hey, God love them.
I wish them the best.
I wish them the best.
Any news on the election before we get out of here?
Let's see.
What if Trump pulls it out?
I would laugh.
Let me tell you right now.
If Trump pulls it out, I would laugh so hard.
Look at these two goons.
Look at these two.
I mean, could the rotting corpse of America have a better representation than these two goofs?
Trump was a pretty good one, but these two are just as good.
Joe Biden and Kamala.
Biden Harris.
It just sounds like a fucking scam.
Biden Harris.
It's like, you know, it's not going to be much better.
He's going to make it a year, a year and a half, then she's in.
And she'll do the eight.
She'll do the...
No one's going to beat her in 2024.
Maybe they will.
I don't know.
I don't know.
How do you follow Trump?
You talk about an act to follow.
It's tough to follow Trump.
Really hard to follow him.
But what we will see is we will see, I think, a little political idealism.
You know, you ever see the candle thing?
You know, you're not Catholic, but the little candle thing that snuffs out the candle.
Yes, yes, yes.
That's what we're seeing here.
There it is.
That's the candlestum.
And the light of idealism is going to go away a little bit because of, you know, the corporate Dems are back.
Daddy's back.
Mommy and Daddy are back.
And you can tweet and you can tap dance and you can make a collage and you could go on Reddit and you could go on every site imaginable.
The ones that no one even hosts.
You can go anywhere and you could do, you could, you could, hey, any diatribe you like, anything you like.
At the end of the day, the corporate power is back.
And, you know, that's it.
There's going to be a lot of young kids, a lot of MAGA hats being taken off.
A lot of people are going to go now and they're going to, they're going to, this is how the Zoomers become the boomers.
Boomers at one time had idealism.
They were on acid, but they had idealism.
And then it gets beaten out.
The system beats it out of you.
You see?
And then you become a drone.
And you just, that's why I say escape, if you can, the system, and do not live where this is real.
You live in another place where you're like, oh, my friends are real.
My family's real.
The things I'm doing are real.
Oh, this isn't real.
I don't participate in this.
That way you never get too high.
You never get too low.
You're never like, that revolution's coming.
And then you're also never like, because neither one of them's happening.
The revolution's not happening.
And also, like, you know, whatever type of fascism that comes to this country, and it will come, it'll come with like a donut.
You'll get a donut.
You'll get to take it off the gun.
The gun will come in your door and you take the donut off the gun.
So I don't want to be too negative here, folks, and I hope I'm not.
I do believe that's why I have, I pick good people to be in my life.
I pick positive people, you know, and I pick interesting people.
And if you can do that, if you pick interesting people to be in your life, you pick positive people to be in your life, then you yourself will not be bored at the very least, right?
We have a lot of cool stuff coming up.
New things we're going to debut on YouTube, new sketches.
We just did a sketch.
Did very well.
It was taken off YouTube briefly.
We had to fight to get it back on.
Hey, man, 2020.
It's a bitch.
But we've got a lot of new stuff coming up.
Just keep the, and this is, I didn't want to, I'm not trying to assault this waitress, by the way.
What I'm trying to say, respectfully, is to shut your mouth.
Because we all have, as the great Elaine Stritch said about her husband, who used to say this, we all are the beggar rocks.
Everybody's got a beggar rocks.
We don't need that at dinner.
You don't need to come in and tell me how bad things are.
I know how bad things are.
We're sitting in a parking lot with traffic cones eating French onion soup.
I know how bad it is.
They're taking this beautiful old French restaurant, historic, and demolishing it so that some fucking cunts can live in a high-rise in Echo Park, an area that should just be firebombed.
I know how bad it is.
I'm trying to escape that with salt, fat, sugar, and carbohydrates.
Stay out of my way.
That's all.
Stay out of my way.
Stay out of my way.
Respect.
I know it's a tough job.
I know it's a tough job.
They're the heroes, the servers.
They're the heroes.
And I'm hoping to God that we can pull off this party and it could be a fun event.
We could do some really memorable things.
I don't know if that'll happen or not, but I'm just saying this.
I'm saying that.
I think now that people have heard this, they're like, well, I'm not coming now.
Pussy.
Pussy.
Do we offer Candace Owens money to fly in?
Yeah, I think so.
Maybe we just, maybe we just fly her first class.
Can we do that?
We probably have to offer a little bit of money.
Okay.
Put her up in a hotel.
Okay.
Dude, what if we do this?
I'm not even kidding.
I'm not even kidding.
I think, I mean, just think about this for a minute.
What if we throw this like Hollywood Friends giving shit?
And when people walk in, it's a Candace Owens, like, count the votes thing where she's getting all these people to donate their money for recounts across America.
And we just have, and I'm just doing it like a big Instagram story that's like, look, who's here to support the recount effort?
Poor Ryan Phillip.
He's like, dude, what the fuck?
I'm like, Ryan Phillip is here.
Look, it's Jeff Garland here to support the recount with Candace Owens.
I mean, I think it would be fun.
TimDillonComedy.com.
Go there if you want.
There's nothing there.
Who cares?
Waste your time.
Nobody's been to a website since 1986.
We have merch, Life in the Big City shirts, Megan McCain hoodies.
We got new merch coming out in December.
We have a really cool yes or yes thing that's coming out.
We've got some other things too.
We do appreciate everybody's support on Patreon.
We've done a lot of cool episodes of JRE in the past couple of weeks, right?
It's like three, three, three in a month, yeah.
Crazy.
Crazy.
I remember the first time I did that show, and now I've done it like seven times.
Crazy.
Yeah.
The Alex episode's massive, and that election thing was really good too.
So there's some of the merch.
Get the pullover hoodie for $37.99.
You could get the Unis XT for $24.99.
It's like a fun, it's fun merch.
Get the daddy mug if you'd like.
The I Love Daddy hoodie.
We also have a pink one, right?
Yeah, you can change the colors.
Yeah.
Unless they stopped offering pink.
I wonder if they're.
Maybe they stopped offering pink.
It does look better with the darker color.
It does.
But we have more stuff coming out in December.
Don't fret.
Don't worry about it.
We're going to do some interactive stuff too because we want to hear from the people.
We want to figure out what to do with the people.
We've got live events coming up, rescheduled shows.
Hoping this fucking COVID thing just gets to, you know, hoping that we have a nice peaceful transition to power.
What's the most gangster way for Trump to go out?
Killing himself in the Oval Office.
Like Bud Dwyer, like calling a press conference.
I'm wondering, like, what's the biggest what?
I mean, he's a master of ratings.
What's the serious finale?
Maybe he could disappear, like, just get on a plane and just leave and then just disappear.
Just goes radio silent.
No one even knows where he is.
Wow.
Because that's very unlike him.
Yeah.
Wow.
I'm wondering, like, how does the guy, how does he go out?
How does the guy go out?
How does this guy go out?
I don't know.
You know?
Dude, if he finds a way to win, I'm going to tell you right now, if he finds a way to win, if they recount these votes and somehow he won, it will be the funniest.
It will be the funniest thing.
Oh, we're recording this Friday night, by the way.
Friday night.
Yeah, yeah.
So it's changing with every hour.
That's why Ben's here to do the technical.
Yeah.
Why?
What if he just appointed himself to like the Supreme Court or something?
I'm trying to think what he could do.
What could he really do?
I don't know.
I'm really trying to rack my brain.
Like, what could this guy do?
Him bud dwiring himself.
I mean, that would be like the most historic moment, like, ever if he did that, just envelope, gun out.
Crazy, right?
Just I was, you know, it was rigged.
I was framed or whatever.
That would be the craziest thing.
I don't see him doing that, but that would be the craziest thing.
Maybe he himself could become a terrorist.
Like, maybe he flies like Air Force One into like the World Trade Center or something like that, like the Freedom Tower.
You trying to get us banned from everything with these suggestions?
Trying to get us banned off every service?
I mean, what?
Maybe, maybe he could become a terrorist and fly Air Force One into an orphanage.
You keep that to yourself.
That's why we don't have you do all the talking.
Fly Air Force One into where, did you say?
The Freedom Tower.
You want Donald Trump to fly Air Force One into the Freedom Tower.
Yeah, yeah.
I got to be honest.
Not the worst.
Not the worst idea.
Can you imagine being at lunch somewhere and going, what's on the news?
Why is everyone in the break room?
They go, Donald Trump flew Air Force One into the Freedom Tower and survived.
What if he survived somehow?
I wonder if he's considering that.
Like he's sitting there with his people.
And he's like, well, we got the recount.
And we're suing Georgia.
Got the recount in Pennsylvania.
He's like, what if he goes, let me just throw something else out there while we're all talking?
It's like, while we're all spitballing, why don't I fly Air Force One into the Freedom Tower?
They're like, well, there's no precedent for that.
But we don't know.
Perhaps there's something.
Well, folks, listen, we don't have a president.
You know, we barely have a country.
Yeah.
You know, but we have merch.
You understand?
We have dreams and hopes.
So do you.
Flying Air Force One00:01:07
I hope that waitress tonight, this is what I hope happens.
I hope she goes home.
She realizes how good she has it.
How lucky she is to be in the fight.
How absolutely lucky she is.
And I hope she's jubilant and happy.
And I hope she goes downstairs because she wants to get some air.
You know?
And I hope she's shot in the head so that nobody will ever have to listen to that depressing horse shit while they're trying to eat a meal again.