Tim explains why Arizona is the worst state in the country, Yelp's new social justice initiative, who Jeffrey Epstein's favorite comedians were, documentaries about disenfranchised people, and why he's completely sick of the West. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
| Time | Text |
|---|---|
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Hasidic Hats and National Decay
00:11:29
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|
| Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dylan Show. | |
| We are here in Arizona. | |
| Don't worry about it. | |
| Tour is over very soon, and then we are back in the studio. | |
| I've had enough. | |
| It's been very fun going out and doing stand-up comedy again. | |
| You begin to realize how much you love it and how much it is also destroying your life. | |
| So it is nice to be out. | |
| Come mid-November, we're shutting it down till the spring. | |
| And then we'll do another month in the spring. | |
| But this will not, this constant, you know, Airbnbs and rental cars and planes is like this was great. | |
| Not doing this was phenomenal. | |
| And I'm going to get back to that shortly. | |
| I'm just going to have a pandemic no matter what in my head. | |
| I don't care if everybody gets vaccinated. | |
| I don't give a fuck. | |
| I'm going back home, locking the door, going back inside. | |
| I'm not. | |
| So when I put out dates, if you want to come see me, cool. | |
| If not, don't. | |
| But then it's going to be three or four months of doing nothing. | |
| This, this fucking, what I was going to do last year is be on the road 40 weeks or something crazy like that. | |
| I will never do that again. | |
| I am happy doing these month, month and a half intensive tours and then fucking being done with it. | |
| Because, you know, enough's enough. | |
| I can reach more people like this, to be honest, than I can, you know, comedy club by comedy club, you know. | |
| And they're all lovely environments, these comedy clubs. | |
| They're all great. | |
| You know, I have owners of clubs coming in and giving me, you know, re-gifted earpods as a gift for selling it out. | |
| I appreciate it. | |
| But I will pass on that. | |
| But it's been a lot of fun. | |
| The shows are really, really fun. | |
| None of the problems that I have ever have to do with the shows, which are the most fun. | |
| It is every other minute and hour of the day getting to that stage that is taxing. | |
| So, you know, we're out. | |
| When we're out, we're out. | |
| Come see us. | |
| We have a lot of fun. | |
| And then when we're in, we're in. | |
| And that is what I've learned about this pandemic: it reprioritized a lot of things for me. | |
| I'm going to put a lot more into digital. | |
| We're putting a lot into digital already. | |
| That's the future. | |
| The future is not. | |
| I see all these comics and I love them. | |
| I respect them. | |
| You know, they're performing in fields and on rooftops and wherever they can. | |
| And I get it and I respect the hell out of that. | |
| That is not the future. | |
| That is over. | |
| And I don't know what to tell you. | |
| It's not, maybe you don't like that. | |
| That's over. | |
| Many people don't like many things. | |
| Doesn't matter. | |
| The future is the future. | |
| And we're here in Arizona, which is the worst state in the union by far. | |
| There is no comparison. | |
| There is nothing worse than Arizona. | |
| Arizona is an absolute, I mean, it has no redeeming qualities. | |
| It is a hot, arid, desert landscape with some of the trashiest, least intelligent human beings to have ever graced the fucking planet here. | |
| It is bad. | |
| There are some hot people. | |
| There's some probably big OnlyFans accounts. | |
| There's some aspiring porn stars. | |
| There's a few guys that's probably fun to get into a Ponzi scheme within Scottsdale. | |
| There's a few people that own houseboats on Lake Havasu that is probably fun. | |
| It's a great place to be when you're 23 and you're trying to fuck or whatever. | |
| I don't know. | |
| But I mean, get me out of here. | |
| Get me out of here. | |
| I've had fun. | |
| The shows are fun. | |
| The crowds are fun. | |
| But the crowds always, they also feel like it's like, you know, you got to, if you lose them for a minute, you know, God only knows what happens here. | |
| God only knows what. | |
| People are just screaming. | |
| People are yelling and screaming. | |
| It is truly an embarrassment, the state of Arizona. | |
| There's just no other way to put it. | |
| You know, the owner of the club was like, I'm staying in this place, Peoria. | |
| The owner of the club's like, oh, you're staying in Peoria. | |
| What are you doing? | |
| I'm like, buddy, the whole fucking state should be firebombed. | |
| What are you out of your fucking mind? | |
| You think you have an estate in the Pacific Palisades? | |
| You're on the surface of Mars here, and everybody's a retard. | |
| So what does it fucking matter where I am? | |
| The whole place is shit. | |
| It's irredeemable. | |
| One of your best restaurants in Phoenix has fried bread. | |
| It's called the fry bread house. | |
| And they take refried beans and put it on fry bread. | |
| It's disgust. | |
| I've really had it with the West. | |
| I really have. | |
| The country shot. | |
| I drove from Utah to fucking Arizona. | |
| I'm sick of the red clay canyons and the general store. | |
| I'm sick of that hokey horse shit, frontier town crap. | |
| It's enough already. | |
| Grow the fuck up. | |
| I'm sick of it. | |
| Give it back to the Indians. | |
| Give it back to them, the Native Americans. | |
| My apologies. | |
| But the country shot. | |
| It's disgusting. | |
| The Grand Canyon. | |
| We passed that. | |
| Looks the same as it did when I was a kid. | |
| It's disgusting. | |
| Do something else. | |
| It's just enough already with these. | |
| And of course, I'm with this 24-year-old who's opening for me, who I love, but he's an idiot. | |
| So, I mean, he's like, isn't it beautiful? | |
| Isn't it beautiful? | |
| Isn't it nice? | |
| You stop. | |
| It's not nice, and it's not beautiful. | |
| Civilization is beautiful. | |
| People working is beautiful. | |
| Not rock formations. | |
| Get out of the national parks, please. | |
| You know, it's beautiful. | |
| Families, progress. | |
| That's beautiful. | |
| Not a red clay rock formation that looks like somewhere aliens land and face fuck you. | |
| Oh, Zion National Park is so beautiful. | |
| Yeah, it's great. | |
| Can you get me to Arizona, please, so I could perform for these fry bread heads? | |
| It's like, get the fuck out of here. | |
| Jesus Christ. | |
| These fucking tan, leathery people spent their entire life just fucking marinating themselves in vodka. | |
| I mean, I appreciate Arizona. | |
| They're open. | |
| They're letting shows happen. | |
| I'm down with that, man. | |
| They're letting things happen. | |
| We're all taking a few risks. | |
| These motherfuckers do not care. | |
| They are out there, maskless, just fucking partying. | |
| What are you going to do? | |
| We got to live. | |
| We got to do things. | |
| Some people don't want to live. | |
| That's the other thing. | |
| I mean, we're all creating government policy based on the idea that everybody wants to be here. | |
| That isn't true. | |
| A lot of people's actions suggest otherwise. | |
| So let them. | |
| Infections are now up in New York City. | |
| They tried. | |
| What did they tried to do? | |
| They tried to shut down the Hasidic Jews. | |
| Yes. | |
| Because the Hasidic Jews aren't having it in New York. | |
| They're not having it. | |
| And listen, they're doing what they want to do. | |
| So Meatball and De Blasio, who are destroying the city and state, respectively, are now picking on the Jews because nothing else is going right. | |
| Because the economy can't reopen because they've destroyed the entire city. | |
| So now they're picking on the Hasidic Jews who they really don't bother anybody. | |
| They just, they walk around with big hats and some of those hats are furry. | |
| And I like those hats. | |
| And I don't know what they call them. | |
| I always wanted to wear one, you know, without, you know, culturally appropriating or being a victim of a hate crime. | |
| What is that hat called? | |
| It's called the Strimel or a Shabbat hat. | |
| Yeah. | |
| You don't know what you're talking about. | |
| There's another type of hat that's furry. | |
| It's like a big furry hat. | |
| This one, right? | |
| By the way, I watched that documentary about Hasidic Jews, one of us, and it was supposed to be groundbreaking. | |
| And it was just the same. | |
| They're like, during a divorce, there's the war of the family. | |
| I'm like, it's the same shit. | |
| Can we stop pretending that everything's so fucking different, please? | |
| The Hasidic Jews are the same as these people that want to get drunk on Lake Havzeu. | |
| They just don't give a fuck. | |
| They don't care. | |
| If they're going to go, they're going to go. | |
| Stop trying to keep everyone on earth for what? | |
| I mean, this country is going to hell, and everybody wants to keep everyone here. | |
| There are no jobs, and everybody goes, we need more people to not do the jobs that don't exist. | |
| God forbid anyone die. | |
| God forbid the employment, the unemployment office line's a little shorter. | |
| If you take away people's freedom and you make them live in a fucking prison of apps and algorithms, they are going to rebel because that is not a life. | |
| That is not a life. | |
| They want to be free. | |
| Trump is running, as Ty Rivera, who's opening for me, very funny comic said. | |
| Trump is running with freedom. | |
| Biden is running with maybe more lockdowns, maybe more. | |
| It's probably going to be neck and neck, but I will say this. | |
| If you are running as a candidate of making decisions and being free, you might win in this country because we are deeply uncomfortable. | |
| People like me are deeply uncomfortable with just having a federal government stop us from working indefinitely for something where there may not be a vaccine. | |
| This may be the best we do. | |
| We may have to let herd immunity build up. | |
| There isn't another option. | |
| The economy cannot be decimated completely to protect a small amount of people. | |
| It doesn't mean that COVID isn't real or that it isn't serious or that there aren't lasting effects. | |
| All of that is true. | |
| And it is tragic. | |
| The tragedy in this country is it's all tragic, by the way. | |
| You know, what about the people? | |
| Remember pre-COVID, all the people that didn't get health care and dropped dead? | |
| Was that not tragic? | |
| What about the soldiers who got back from Iraq who didn't have mental health care and they blow their brains out a staggering amount of them every month? | |
| Was that not tragic? | |
| Is this the only fucking thing that's tragic, by the way? | |
| Is coronavirus? | |
| Is there anything else that fucking upsets you people? | |
| How about the kids that go to bed hungry every night? | |
| Is that tragic? | |
| How about all the people whose jobs were shipped to Bangladesh and they were told to rot in towns and do opioids with their kids? | |
| Is that fucking tragic? | |
| Or is there no fucking tragedy that doesn't begin and end with a fucking cough? | |
| Okay? | |
| Let's rein it in here. | |
| Act like a fucking adult. | |
| Everything's tragic. | |
| Life is suffering in hell. | |
| Not for me at the moment. | |
| I'm in a nice Airbnb, but it ain't great. | |
| I don't like the design scheme. | |
| It's fucking Arizona. | |
|
Ratting Out Racist Restaurants
00:13:01
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|
| It's the best we're going to do. | |
| I'm not complaining. | |
| I'm just saying this attitude now that this is the only problem we've ever fit. | |
| Nobody ever died before this. | |
| God forbid. | |
| I'm not saying you shouldn't protect yourself if you're immunocompromised or if you don't want the risk, you don't have to buy a ticket to one of my shows. | |
| I think you should buy it and not come. | |
| Nothing would make me happier. | |
| Nothing would make me happier than to sell out these shows and have no one come and walk out onto the stage and say, my fans are responsible and then go back to the Airbnb. | |
| So please, if you are responsible, buy tickets for Chicago and Denver and Kansas City and Oklahoma City and do not come. | |
| None of you come. | |
| Just sell out the venues. | |
| Let me walk in. | |
| Let me sit on the stage. | |
| I'll feel safe. | |
| You all feel safe. | |
| And then I'll do an Instagram live from the Airbnb. | |
| It's a win-win. | |
| I come, I get to check. | |
| I never need to work. | |
| I don't need to work. | |
| And I think people who do are very sick. | |
| I need to earn money. | |
| I get that. | |
| I don't need to work for it. | |
| Yelp is now... Yelp. | |
| So this is where we're at. | |
| We have police brutality. | |
| We have a very bad situation with the Breonna Taylor, with the no-knock warrant, which is one of the stupidest things that I've ever read about, have known about. | |
| The idea that the government can enter your house without knocking in the middle of the night, to me is fucking insane. | |
| We have that. | |
| We have Derek Chauvin stepping on a man's neck for nine minutes almost, killing him. | |
| We have protests erupt all over the country. | |
| We have instances of police brutality on film and on camera. | |
| Police need to be retrained. | |
| They need to be demilitarized. | |
| They need to reestablish trust with communities. | |
| There needs to be more community policing. | |
| There needs to be more stuff to fight poverty in those communities so that people aren't necessarily given no other option but to embrace a life of crime. | |
| We need to fight that battle on all fronts. | |
| Now, we're not doing any of that, but Yelp, Yelp has stepped in and is now allowing fat Americans to identify which restaurants are racist because like everything else in America, the solution involves food and dining. | |
| There's nothing in America that doesn't involve food. | |
| Remember when the Proud Boys in Antifa were fighting? | |
| They were throwing milkshakes? | |
| They were throwing milkshakes at you. | |
| It was a dessert-themed revolution here. | |
| And now to correct police brutality, to correct, we now have Yelp stepping up and going, hey, let's identify which Del Taco has a Nazi working there or whatever. | |
| I mean, I don't know. | |
| Just some guy that hands you a taco and looks at you and goes, you know, the food's okay, but these people got to go. | |
| You're like, God damn it. | |
| What is this, Yelp? | |
| Can you fill us in on this? | |
| Because this is fascinating to me. | |
| Can't I say any restaurant is racist if I don't like it? | |
| It looks like so. | |
| And I will do that. | |
| I have a list of restaurants right now that I think are, they are, I will say that they're racist. | |
| Yeah, they'll add a racist behavior alert to a business page when it has evidence of racist actions from a business owner or employee. | |
| Can they do that to podcasts? | |
| You better not do it to podcasts. | |
| I'll tell you that much. | |
| To determine if an alert is warranted, Yelp said it will rely on and link to what it calls independent news reports of alleged racist actions associated with a business. | |
| So yeah, I mean, if you got a couple of your friends together and you kind of got the same story, it looks like you could, you know. | |
| And we could just say that, for example, me and Dan were driving through Utah. | |
| We stay at the best western in Bryce Canyon. | |
| Fine. | |
| You know, we leave that. | |
| We drive. | |
| We end up somewhere, a restaurant, and we have two steaks. | |
| The guy told me, he's like, you should get the bison. | |
| I said, you should get out of here. | |
| So we have two steaks. | |
| They're overcooked. | |
| Whatever. | |
| What are you going to do? | |
| We're sitting there. | |
| I mean, the restaurant takes a long time. | |
| Food's not good. | |
| What is to stop me from saying that when the waitress put the steak down on my table, she looked at me and she whispered, Heil Hitler, and then walked away. | |
| What is to stop me from doing that? | |
| Nothing. | |
| What is to stop me from doing that? | |
| You know, I don't understand. | |
| What would potentially, if I could get a few friends and we all had the same story and we could just say, hey, this restaurant, what do they mean? | |
| What is it? | |
| A racist activity alert? | |
| So this is what pops up when you pull up the business. | |
| Business accused of racist behavior with a big red exclamation point. | |
| And it has a disclaimer before you visit the restaurant's page on Yelp. | |
| Dude, no one's going to care if it's a good restaurant. | |
| If the food is good, nobody's going to give a shit. | |
| It's also like the restaurants that are really racist are poor restaurants where usually minorities hate each other. | |
| Can we go to a Korean bodega that hates black people and say a racist behavior alert? | |
| Can we do that? | |
| I've been sitting in Chinese restaurants in New York where a black lady came in and literally the Chinese woman goes, you'll pay now. | |
| Like, well, what is this here? | |
| Are we going to be able to just label everybody, every restaurant is racist? | |
| Racist behavior alert. | |
| I witnessed racist behavior at this restaurant. | |
| Fuck Yelp. | |
| Fuck you if you need Yelp to make a decision. | |
| Fuck you if you use Yelp. | |
| Fuck you if you write reviews on Yelp. | |
| Fuck all of that shit. | |
| It is grotesque. | |
| I stayed in a horrible Airbnb. | |
| The dude was coked out of his gills. | |
| He kept coming downstairs to use the fucking washer dryer. | |
| He fucking, his kid tried to open the door. | |
| The fucking, his roommate was walking around at 2, 3 a.m. | |
| I'm like, I don't even think they were gay. | |
| I think they were just Coke freaks, middle-aged guy with a roommate. | |
| You know, if you're not fucking, what bonds you together? | |
| The love of the night? | |
| So he's out there at 2 a.m. just stomping around. | |
| And me and Dan go, hey, you know, because I'm up giving Dan a lecture about, you know, how superior I am to him in comedy. | |
| And Dan goes, some guy just walked by through the yard. | |
| And I go, what the fuck? | |
| So I call the owner. | |
| I go, can you tell me what's going on here? | |
| He goes, he's just taking out the garbage at fucking 2 a.m. | |
| That's my roommate. | |
| Let me tell you right now, the guy, then the guy starts asking me for tickets to the show. | |
| I'm like, it's sold out. | |
| He's like, there's nothing you can do. | |
| Bitch, I don't know you. | |
| You're doing laundry in the place I'm paying to stay. | |
| You're not watching your daughter who's trying to get in the room and your coked out roommate is walking around the backyard at 2 a.m. like he's about to do a home invasion. | |
| No, there's nothing I can do. | |
| I don't review him negatively. | |
| I refuse to review him. | |
| I'm not a rat. | |
| I'm not a rat. | |
| I just don't review. | |
| My mistake, my fault. | |
| I don't review. | |
| I say I either review the Airbnbs very well or I don't review them at all. | |
| That's it. | |
| That's the game that I play. | |
| I don't want to destroy that guy's business. | |
| Now, should it be destroyed? | |
| Unquestionably. | |
| I mean, the house was a construction site. | |
| Everything was a problem. | |
| The parking, everything. | |
| It was large cinder blocks everywhere. | |
| He had different people in the yard. | |
| You could have easily justified writing the worst review ever, but I did not do it because I'm not a rat. | |
| I do not feel comfortable destroying somebody's ability to earn money. | |
| Maybe the next person will like that. | |
| Maybe his next guest is all coked up and likes strange people and children wandering in the house. | |
| And maybe that's part of the fun. | |
| Maybe that makes their vacation better, but not me. | |
| But I don't review it. | |
| I just step back. | |
| I go, let this motherfucker do what he wants to do. | |
| You know, fine. | |
| Doesn't matter to me. | |
| Maybe he reviews me. | |
| Maybe he does. | |
| Maybe he doesn't. | |
| I don't know. | |
| But I'm glad that Yelp is now solving the problem of racism so you can go identify if the waitress at Applebee's was right. | |
| And by the way, aren't these major corporations going to start to sue Yelp for this? | |
| Oh, interesting. | |
| Wouldn't you sue Yelp? | |
| Yeah, maybe so. | |
| Yeah. | |
| It's saying you. | |
| I mean, you might have to link to a news article from a credible media outlet. | |
| Good luck finding one of them. | |
| A credible media outlet. | |
| This is what? | |
| Like, I don't know. | |
| What are we doing here, folks? | |
| Just eat your food and move on, you fat fucks. | |
| Jesus Christ. | |
| Green cactus is transphobic. | |
| Just eat the taco. | |
| I mean, for the love of God, this is really just creeping into every fucking area. | |
| It's boredom. | |
| This is boredom. | |
| People are bored and they don't know what to do. | |
| And people at Yelp are like, how do we capitalize on all of the anti-racism that's floating around? | |
| Let's let people rat out restaurants they feel are racist. | |
| You should open a restaurant with the best food at the best deals and make it like genuinely the most offensive restaurant ever. | |
| Like it should be an oppression-themed restaurant. | |
| Swear to God, the tables should be little gas chambers and the people that serve you should be SS guards and all the performers should be slaves, slaves. | |
| And then to the side of the restaurant, like the people that check you in are Irish and they haven't eaten because of the potato famine and they all look fucking inbred and it should be them. | |
| And then there should be a back garden of the restaurant called the Gaza Strip where you don't even get food. | |
| They just throw the leftover food they found on the floor. | |
| They throw it at you. | |
| And if you try to get water, they hit you with a stick. | |
| And if you price that restaurant fairly, if you price that fairly, people will go. | |
| If the food is good and it is priced fairly, I will straight up look at Ben and go, we're going to Nazi slaves tonight. | |
| We're going to Nazi slaves. | |
| You know I like the Buffalo chicken wrap because it's nice. | |
| They use the chunky blue cheese. | |
| We're going to Nazi slaves. | |
| So I don't care if it makes you feel uncomfortable. | |
| And we're eating in the back garden of Gaza Strip because of COVID-19. | |
| That's what they should fucking do. | |
| I mean, if I was a billionaire, I would just open the most offensive restaurant known to man and see what Yelp did with that. | |
| How do you like this, Yelp? | |
| Christ on the cross would greet you and say, hello, welcome to the restaurant. | |
| And then you know what you would do? | |
| You would pin a nail in Christ's hand and we'd have a burger, a really big burger. | |
| And if you ate the burger, you would get to assassinate JFK. | |
| Like we'd have a fake JFK and you could shoot him and then he'd splatter and then one of the waitresses pretends to be Jackie and we'd put you on the wall and you said, you finished the JFK burger and I killed Kennedy and you'd have a big smile on your face. | |
| The desserts would be 9-11 themed. | |
| The most offensive restaurant known to man just to fuck with Yelp. | |
| See what happens. | |
| I mean just crazy bad. | |
| Just crazy bad. | |
| We would hand out crayons and pieces of paper to the kids, but only if they drew Muhammad. | |
|
Missing Final Debate and Crisis
00:03:17
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|
| Do you understand? | |
| This restaurant would last maybe a month. | |
| In a mature country, this would be a hilarious restaurant. | |
| In a mature country, this would be hilarious. | |
| If we were a mature country, you should be able to go out and eat a meal in a restaurant that makes fun of genocide in a fun way. | |
| Now, I guess, I understand the argument against this type of restaurant, too. | |
| I'm not saying that I don't understand that, but I'm just saying it's something to, hey, it's something to consider out there. | |
| We have to break the sending. | |
| No, wait, it's a real thing. | |
| Sending is actually the whole thing. | |
| Pro-fract does provide to companies to access the leading of the Nordic authority. | |
| So we don't break the sending. | |
| We can't break the sending. | |
| We're going back to the send. | |
| And remember the fact that. | |
| Trump dropped out of the digital debate. | |
| He dropped out of the second digital debate. | |
| People are saying, can we also stop wishing the presentation? | |
| Yeah, how many articles do we need here that are like, the president might experience the worst of this on day nine? | |
| It's like, guys, how many fucking articles where you're openly wishing for the guy's death do we need to see in the paper? | |
| I don't think he's doing a good job. | |
| I don't think he should necessarily be re-elected. | |
| I mean, the problem is he's running against a corpse. | |
| So I'm kind of taking myself out of this one in any type of emotional investment. | |
| I don't think there's a huge upside to either one winning, to be quite honest with you. | |
| Because it is just a fucking disaster. | |
| But he's out of the digital debate. | |
| And is there one more debate? | |
| There's supposed to be a final debate. | |
| There's going to be, then they're going to move the third debate to October 29th, just days before the November 3rd election. | |
| Yeah, so the final debate is October 29th, right before Halloween, right before the election. | |
| Democrats are killing in early voting. | |
| They're killing in early voting. | |
| They clearly have the enthusiasm on their side. | |
| Kamala did a good job in that debate with Mike Pence. | |
| Pence held his own too. | |
| He's kind of an unlikable white guy. | |
| You know, Kamala's got whatever she's got going on. | |
| I don't even know her race. | |
| I'm not even going to speculate. | |
| She's black and Indian and she's everything. | |
| And she just did a good job. | |
| I don't know that that changes anybody's mind. | |
| I don't know that these debates change anybody's mind. | |
| But we're heading towards Halloween. | |
| And then Halloween this year is probably not even going to feel like Halloween because there's lots of places that won't be doing the trick-or-treating. | |
| And then the real Halloween will start on November 3rd if there is not a clear-cut winner to this election. | |
| If this election does not have a clear-cut winner, we're going to have massive protests, demonstrations, riots, and we're going to have a crisis in confidence in the government. | |
| We may be heading towards a constitutional crisis if this is not. | |
|
Spontaneous Combustion in Arizona
00:07:14
|
|
| Listen to this, right? | |
| My manager, my old manager, who I had to fire, but I love, but I had to fire because he. | |
| Yeah, I love him. | |
| I would call him and he would just go, I don't know. | |
| I don't know. | |
| And I'm like, you got to at least make it up. | |
| So this is very interesting. | |
| There's this article that came out about Epstein called I Called Everybody in Jeffrey Epstein's Black Book, bring it up. | |
| But what's funny about the article is they say you learn a lot about Ghislaine, Epstein's connections, and also stand-up comedy. | |
| It's odd. | |
| Read the tagline of this article. | |
| It's kind of interesting. | |
| And I'm like, this is all fucking stand-up needs. | |
| We've had enough in the last few months of people, you know, rightly or wrongly getting a comeuppance. | |
| The last thing we need is more fucking bad press. | |
| What is the tagline of this? | |
| What I learned about rich people, conspiracy, genius, ghislane, stand-up comedy, and evil from 2000 phone calls. | |
| Well, it's like, which one of those doesn't seem like the other? | |
| So my ex-manager sent me a section of the article. | |
| Epstein took a liking to the comedian, Bobby Slayton, who's a legendary comedian. | |
| After seeing him perform at the Palm Beach Improv, the guy was a big fan of mine and his girlfriend, Ghislaine, called me for his 50th birthday party. | |
| She said he was a big fan and wanted me to come entertain and that there was going to be some big, high-profile people there. | |
| So I asked, what does it pay? | |
| And she says, well, it doesn't pay anything, but we're going to fly you out and put you up. | |
| And I said, what kind of fucking gig is this? | |
| Jeffrey was a giant comedy. | |
| I love these motherfuckers don't pay. | |
| They don't pay. | |
| Fucking scum. | |
| We're just never respected. | |
| We're never respected comedians, you know? | |
| You could be entertaining the most successful pedophiles on the planet and you still, no respect. | |
| Slayton mentioned to Maxwell offhandedly that he might bring his wife, to which he answered, no women. | |
| The party fell through, or at least Slayton's invite did, but Epstein kept in contact with the comedian catching his shows around Palm Beach, Miami, in New York. | |
| Epstein invited Slayton to his mansion in Palm Beach for coffee and to, quote, talk about comedy. | |
| But when Slayton arrived, Epstein wouldn't let him inside. | |
| He showed me the pool in the garage, his cars, but he didn't let me in, Slayton said. | |
| He was never invited to the private island, but he once brought it up a conversation with Epstein. | |
| He responded that he didn't invite many people out there. | |
| When Slayton proposed he and his wife come out to the island sometime, Epstein responded, no, no wives. | |
| Jeffrey was a giant comedy fan, huge. | |
| All he talked to me about was comedy, Slayton said. | |
| He was like a little kid talking about it. | |
| He loved guys with an edge. | |
| He loved Lewis Black, Sam Kinnison, Bill Hicks. | |
| You know what's kind of sad here? | |
| I'm not comparing myself to these people, but let's be honest. | |
| He would have enjoyed this show. | |
| He would have liked it. | |
| He would have liked this show. | |
| He would have loved this show. | |
| I think he would have liked a video where I dressed up like his temple. | |
| I bet. | |
| And I bet Ghislaine saw that. | |
| It was like, Jeffrey would have loved this. | |
| They've got a real great dynamic, Tim and Ben. | |
| It's sad to know that I am now down a fan. | |
| It's kind of sad. | |
| It is kind of sad. | |
| He liked good comedy, Jeffrey. | |
| He liked good comedy. | |
| How horrible would it be if he was like, he hated, like he just liked not good comedy, which I won't mention what that is. | |
| Just let it in your head. | |
| Jeffrey was a big fan of... | |
| That would be horrible, but this guy liked actually good comedy. | |
| So why not? | |
| Yeah, but these articles now about Trump, they're like... | |
| Doctors said that actually around the two-week mark is when Trump's heart will explode in his chest. | |
| And you're like, guys, can we stop, you know, reveling in the possibility that this guy might have serious complications from this, you know? | |
| Trump is not out of the woods yet. | |
| They'll be running these articles if he wins again. | |
| They'll be like, not out of the woods yet. | |
| Several months later, it's still a possibility that Trump literally melts. | |
| It's never happened before to a corona patient, but it could happen. | |
| What about spontaneous combustion where Trump, did you ever hear about, that used to fascinate me, people that burst into fire? | |
| You ever read about that? | |
| I was reading about this the other day, yeah. | |
| Because in Arizona, I want to see someone burst into fire. | |
| And preferably the entire state. | |
| I'm kidding. | |
| Don't get mad if you're from Arizona. | |
| If you're from Arizona, you understand everything I'm saying right now. | |
| And if you don't, there's a fucking problem. | |
| It's like, I talk a lot of shit about Long Island because it's deserved. | |
| It's warranted. | |
| I've never been like, you know, it's a great compassionate place where people are full of empathy and intelligence? | |
| Long Island. | |
| I've never said that. | |
| I've said good clams, good bagels, good sandwiches. | |
| I've said very little about the people other than that they're funny. | |
| They are funny. | |
| Okay? | |
| What is this spontaneous combustion? | |
| Is this real? | |
| Can this happen and should it happen? | |
| Yes or yes? | |
| Okay, so supposedly there's about 200 cases of this happening. | |
| Crazy. | |
| So like in Galway, Ireland, a 76-year-old Michael Faraday was found burned to death at his home in December 2006. | |
| I can't trust anything from Ireland. | |
| These people are completely backwards. | |
| They have no idea what's going on. | |
| Can we please find, can we go to a Norwegian country or something where these people have an idea of what the fuck is happening? | |
| Ireland believes in banshees and witches. | |
| I mean, these people don't. | |
| Michael Flarity died because he burst into flame. | |
| Yeah, sure he did. | |
| Great. | |
| Thanks. | |
| How about you put a floor in your house? | |
| But you put a floor in the home. | |
| I remember I was with an Irish comedian once. | |
| She said, why did your grandparents leave Ireland? | |
| And I went, well, they weren't dogs. | |
| We're on the way to tape Netflix. | |
| They weren't dogs. | |
| They wanted to live in America because they weren't dogs, okay? | |
| They didn't want to piss and shit themselves. | |
| Now, I love Ireland. | |
| I love the culture. | |
| I know that what I'm saying now seems like I don't, but I do. | |
| But let's also be very honest. | |
| There's some issues. | |
| Not the most motivated crew. | |
| Not the most motivated group of people living over there in Ireland. | |
| You know? | |
| This isn't exactly like, let's make it happen. | |
| So can we find another example of spontaneous combustion that's not centered in Aaron's Isle? | |
| Here's one from Crown Point, New York. | |
| In 1986, the charred body of 58-year-old retired firefighter George Mott was found in his apartment. | |
| All that was left of him was a leg, a shrunken skull, and pieces of his ribcage. | |
| Ben, how does any of this prove that he spontaneously burst into flames? | |
| Like, because the remnants weren't there. | |
| So the only thing that people could say was he just spontaneously combusted. | |
| And there was hardly. | |
| Interesting. | |
| Maybe he lit himself on fire, though. | |
| Some of these they found like, oh, he had a heart attack and a lit cigarette, let his body on fire, and then he just burned into flames. | |
|
Upstate Tragedy and Coal Mines
00:08:59
|
|
| I want to go like that. | |
| I want to go with some spontaneous combustion in a racist restaurant. | |
| And I want people to come back and write about the racist restaurant and not me. | |
| So, like, methane can build up in the intestines, and that might be how it ignites some people theorize, but no one's ever like witnessed it themselves. | |
| No one's ever seen somebody spontaneously combust. | |
| Methane, meaning like you don't fart and it just builds up. | |
| Yeah, and then it just something sparks it like, you know, in a gas tank in a car. | |
| Dude, you look around. | |
| I mean, we know me. | |
| I'm not the picture of health, but I mean, you go around the country. | |
| I mean, this is what it is. | |
| I'm trying to swim more. | |
| We had avocados and eggs for the breakfast this morning. | |
| What do you want me to do here? | |
| You know? | |
| I've made very bad decisions with my health. | |
| I've done drugs. | |
| I've smoked. | |
| I've drank. | |
| I've eaten very bad food, very good food. | |
| But you go around the country and you look at some people. | |
| Some people, dude, I mean, it's bad. | |
| It's truly bad. | |
| The level of, you know, decay, it's bad. | |
| The fat is wild. | |
| I mean, there's a lot of people that are just way over four, four or five. | |
| Yeah. | |
| Oh, yeah. | |
| Big. | |
| The skin you see on some people's is not good. | |
| Years of environmental factors, maybe. | |
| Maybe it's drugs. | |
| Maybe it's booze. | |
| But you look around at people. | |
| Sometimes you just look at people and you feel guilty a little bit because you have a good life. | |
| You have a decent life. | |
| I have a decent life. | |
| It's pretty good. | |
| And sometimes I'll look at somebody at a rest stop. | |
| They have like sunken in eyes. | |
| And I can tell they were probably raised in a coal mine by two parents that just beat and fucked them or something. | |
| And like this person is just to have these sunken in eyes and they're just doing the best they can. | |
| And like, I'm like, hey, man, you have any yogurts? | |
| And they're like, you know, no. | |
| And I feel so bad for them that I will only, I feel like so bad for them that I will only scream at them for two or three minutes. | |
| Like I will not, usually I'll scream at someone for like a solid six minutes. | |
| I will genuinely only scream at these people for two or three minutes because they've had it so bad. | |
| You know, and I go, hey, what the fuck is going on here? | |
| I mean, it's the hills have eyes. | |
| Still's have eyes out there. | |
| I mean, this country, large swaths of the country are full of people who, the horror movie, you could just make a documentary. | |
| You could just pull into like any strip mole and just make a documentary. | |
| Just put sad music. | |
| My name is Fern. | |
| Like just, you got a doc. | |
| You got a doc. | |
| Everyone's like, oh, documentaries are hard. | |
| No, they're not in this country. | |
| They're not at all. | |
| Go to a rest stop. | |
| You got a documentary. | |
| I could make a brilliant rest stop documentary tomorrow. | |
| It's fucking easy. | |
| These documentary filmmakers just point a fucking picture. | |
| They point the camera to Mongoloid and let them talk for an hour and then they get a fucking Golden Globe and Academy Award. | |
| Oh, it's so hard to make it. | |
| No, it's not. | |
| It is not. | |
| Just point your, go to a bowling alley in Alabama. | |
| You have a documentary now. | |
| Find somebody who's worked there for 30 years and just ask them about their life. | |
| You just hear the bowls, the pins, you know, and then you have just somebody just eating nacho cheese with the one finger they have left because they lost the other one to the fucking ball retrieval. | |
| Everyone's a brilliant documentary. | |
| I mean, there's this documentary, Darwin, which is a good documentary. | |
| They just found the smallest town in America in Death Valley, California. | |
| It's a great documentary. | |
| They did a documentary called October Country. | |
| Beautiful, cinematic, gorgeous. | |
| They just went to a family upstate that's all fucked up. | |
| That's any family. | |
| Hello, you're in a documentary now. | |
| Tell us about your lives. | |
| Are you fucked too? | |
| I'm going to go win an award. | |
| The guy did it. | |
| Donald Moshe, I think he's a photographer. | |
| He did it about his own family. | |
| But I will say this. | |
| I loved October Country. | |
| I thought it was brilliant. | |
| I think it's called, yes. | |
| I thought it was brilliant. | |
| And then he never did anything else, which upset me. | |
| And I actually also like Darwin. | |
| I just want to let these people know that artistically, I know what you're doing. | |
| It's nowhere near as difficult as what I do every week, which is yell about things that bother me with no preparation into a camera that I don't even know how to set up. | |
| You understand? | |
| So artistically, I just want you to know that I see you. | |
| It's called October Country, right? | |
| It is. | |
| It's just a tragedy, but it's great, man. | |
| Upstate is just tragic. | |
| It's great, man. | |
| When you get upstate, you just want to take a pill. | |
| When you go upstate New York, knowing that downstate is just a thriving metropolis or was, thanks to Blasio, de Blasio's daughter's like running around shooting cops now, you know? | |
| Really? | |
| She was arrested for like looting de Blasio's daughter. | |
| His people are, I mean, God. | |
| So knowing that the downstate of New York is like a thriving metropolis, it makes upstate even sadder because there's some natural beauty upstate, but there are these old factory towns where all the factories have left. | |
| I mean, I was just, I got locked out of my Chase account and I just spent an hour on the phone with people in India and God love them. | |
| And listen, they're trying to better their lives. | |
| No hatred towards them, but all of these fucking jobs, customer service, you know, manufacturing, a lot of them went overseas with NAFTA and all those people in New York State were just left to die. | |
| They were just left to die there. | |
| And when you go to these towns, you just want to take a perkadoodle-do. | |
| You want to take a perket. | |
| My aunt used to get really fucked up on pills and we came up with a song. | |
| Me and my cousins came up with a song where we would just go, perka, doodle do, perka, doodle don't. | |
| Perka doodle will. | |
| I bet you perka doodle won't. | |
| Because she used to just sit in the chair all pilled out and all drunk. | |
| Now she just goes on the book. | |
| But goes on the face book. | |
| But I'll tell you right now, I get this documentary, Kennard. | |
| I'm unimpressed by it. | |
| I've been out on the road for two weeks. | |
| I've been in nine documentaries. | |
| Every store is a documentary. | |
| Things are not great. | |
| I mean, I think America will bounce back slowly, but surely. | |
| I mean, Arizona, it's like there isn't, it's not the pandemic in Arizona, but there's just every other problem you could feasibly imagine. | |
| What are the stats now in New York? | |
| They got 500 cases in New York now. | |
| We're like 50,000 cases a day in the country. | |
| I swear I had this thing in early March. | |
| I don't know that I did, but I'm just going to say that I did to make myself feel better. | |
| Yeah, they're trending upward right now. | |
| They're trending upward right now because people are going back inside. | |
| It's the winter. | |
| People are going back inside and this shit is going to trend upward. | |
| The kids are going back to school. | |
| They're back at colleges. | |
| You know, you know how it is. | |
| Tell your kid not to go to college. | |
| How about that? | |
| Tell them that they can't endanger the family, take out a bunch of student loans and listen to a professor prattle on about nothing. | |
| Tell them to go get a goddamn job. | |
| Go work at a rest stop. | |
| You know what they have at those rest stops, those for real milkshakes? | |
| Have you ever seen them? | |
| They're like these weird, they call them F apostrophe R-E-A-L milkshakes. | |
| And you got to take, which I don't have any of this, but you got to take them and then mix them in a machine and they become a milkshake. | |
| I mean, this is what people, yeah, this is what people are drinking. | |
| This is what people are drinking in America. | |
| A for real milkshake. | |
| This is what people are drinking on the road. | |
| When they stop into a rest stop, this is what human traffickers are drinking. | |
| For real milkshakes and old donuts with flies on them and beer and butts and some ciggies. | |
| Get some trail mix, get a few cubes of cheddar cheese, get back in the car, throw some five-hour energy down your throat and get back on the road to nowhere and hope and pray that aliens land. | |
| Hope and pray that aliens land and probe you right up the ass because it'll be more fun or interesting than wherever the hell is at the end of your journey. | |
| Mine was Arizona. | |
| I do respect the Arizona woman, like the leathery turquoise jewelry woman. | |
| I always have. | |
| You know, that's an expression that people have said a lot, that kind of Arizona woman. | |
|
Excommunicated Husband and Hellish Prayers
00:02:32
|
|
| And I've always kind of respected that kind of demon from hell. | |
| You know, like that, that just kind of Arizona woman. | |
| People in this state, I think, pride themselves, like Long Island, they pride themselves on ignorance. | |
| Yes. | |
| They pride themselves. | |
| You know, when I said there's no fucking schools here that even, you know, like everybody starts clapping. | |
| It's cool to be hot here, which I get. | |
| I get it is cool to be hot. | |
| But they pride themselves on a certain type of ignorance that is, you know, can be a bit scary when times are as trying as they are. | |
| A little terrifying, the level of ignorance that some of these people, they're just not bright people. | |
| The shows are fun. | |
| My fans came out. | |
| They're bright. | |
| I think my fans are a step above. | |
| They're a cut above the rest of the people in Arizona. | |
| Salt Lake is just desolate. | |
| No one's there. | |
| There's a few Mormons that scurry around here and there. | |
| They're clean people, the Mormons. | |
| They don't drink. | |
| They don't smoke. | |
| They run businesses. | |
| The Marriott family's Mormon. | |
| Didn't know that. | |
| Oh, really? | |
| My cousin was excommunicated. | |
| My second cousin, whatever, not second cousin-in-law, whatever. | |
| My cousin married this guy. | |
| He was excommunicated from the Mormon church at like 17. | |
| They were just like, fuck you. | |
| Get out of here. | |
| Wow. | |
| Isn't that something? | |
| Yeah, they're strict. | |
| You cannot get excommunicated from Catholicism, really, truly. | |
| Although Bill O'Reilly tried to have his wife excommunicated, which I still find hilarious. | |
| He wanted to damn the mother of his children to hell. | |
| I forgot about that. | |
| One of my favorite things Bill O'Reilly's ever done. | |
| I just think that's such a great testament to his character. | |
| It's like, not enough that we're not going to be married. | |
| It's like, I don't want to make your life hell. | |
| I want to ruin eternity as well. | |
| I want you to burn in hell forever. | |
| How sick is that guy? | |
| And everybody watched that guy for like 10 years and thought that was like a guy that you could listen to. | |
| And then you found out that he was trying to literally get his wife put in hell. | |
| You're like, you're like, oh, this was the guy that was fair and balanced. | |
| That was the no spin zone. | |
| A guy that was trying to get his wife eternally damned. | |
| I mean, he went to the church, tried to have his wife eternally damned. | |
| That's what excommunication is, by the way. | |
| Okay. | |
| I mean, can you imagine this, this guy? | |
| He's a traditionalist. | |
| He just wants his wife to burn in hell. | |
| His kids go, dad, where's mom? | |
| Oh, she's in hell. | |
| I took care of her. | |
| He pictures himself in heaven smoking a cigar. | |
|
Failing Gastro Pub Choices
00:12:43
|
|
| Yeah, my wife's down there in hell. | |
| And his wife just screams, the unending screams of hell. | |
| If you believe that horse shit, you know, that's what he was trying to do. | |
| I mean, if you believe that lake of fire crap, this is what that guy was trying to get accomplished. | |
| And that guy was like the guy that everybody's like, Bill's a good traditional man. | |
| We should listen to him. | |
| He thinks we should go to war in Iraq. | |
| We're putting up new dates on the website, TimDylanComedy.com, Tim J. Dillon, a lot of stuff on Instagram, updating you guys about dates. | |
| We are wrapping this tour up. | |
| Can you bring up the dates, Ben? | |
| When do we wrap this baby up? | |
| These I wrote down. | |
| We got Tampa, the 20th to the 21st. | |
| Tampa's now full capacity. | |
| So tickets have opened up. | |
| Go and grab them. | |
| Side splitters in Tampa. | |
| One of my favorite clubs. | |
| We got Palm Beach, the 22nd to the 24th. | |
| Palm Beach. | |
| Come down there and bring just lane. | |
| We got Oklahoma City, October 29th to the 31st. | |
| Oklahoma City, we're doing Halloween. | |
| Me and Dan Carney will be there for Halloween. | |
| Gonna be really, really fun. | |
| We're doing a lot of crazy shit. | |
| If you come out that show for Halloween, we're gonna do crazy shit. | |
| Costume, stupid stuff. | |
| It's gonna be really fun. | |
| I think I'll be there that weekend too. | |
| Yeah, Ben may come out for that. | |
| Then Chicago, October 27th through the 28th. | |
| 27th through the 28th. | |
| Chicago, baby, one of my favorite markets and favorite cities. | |
| Now we're in the suburbs. | |
| We're in the Burbs. | |
| We're in Schomburg Improv because the clubs in Chicago City were not open at the capacity that we want. | |
| So we're going to the Burbs. | |
| Go to Schomburg. | |
| Take an oobsie. | |
| Relax. | |
| You people drink and drive. | |
| Do it. | |
| Kansas City, November 10th through the 11th. | |
| Kansas City, I've never been there to do comedy. | |
| I've been there for other reasons. | |
| When I was a little kid, where I was on an acting tour with a play, we stopped through there. | |
| Maybe it was the other one, Missouri. | |
| I don't know. | |
| I don't care. | |
| Kansas City, what is this? | |
| Kansas or Missouri? | |
| Kansas City, Missouri, I believe. | |
| Okay, we don't know. | |
| I'm not sure. | |
| The dates are on your website. | |
| First of all, who cares? | |
| The dates are on the fucking website. | |
| Just buy the tickets. | |
| Then you got Denver. | |
| Denver is it. | |
| November 12th through the 14th. | |
| Then we are done with this leg of the tour. | |
| Then we are going dark for December, January, February. | |
| Now, by the way, dark, meaning we're doing two podcasts a week. | |
| We're doing a ton of sketches. | |
| We got a new YouTube show coming out that we're not talking about. | |
| There's all kinds of stuff happening. | |
| But the podcasts are a little tougher to do on the road. | |
| We still accomplish them. | |
| We still do them. | |
| They're still great. | |
| But we need to get back to base here, base camp. | |
| We need to so we could create and innovate and do new shit. | |
| I can't always be in a fucking Airbnb in Arizona. | |
| Get the fuck out of here. | |
| I mean, what are your impressions of this place? | |
| Just because I don't want to fucking get everyone made. | |
| Back me up or don't. | |
| It's a skid, Mark. | |
| It really is. | |
| It is. | |
| It's a fucking horror. | |
| It's a horror. | |
| It's a goddamn horror here. | |
| The worst. | |
| Move. | |
| It's like a big PF Changs. | |
| I can't think of a worse state. | |
| I mean, it's the worst. | |
| I can't think of a worse one. | |
| There's nothing worse. | |
| California ain't great, but at least it's got some high points. | |
| I do like Scottsdale. | |
| There's some dope mansions in Scottsdale. | |
| Listen, there's people in Arizona that I dig, and I understand what it is here. | |
| But just, let's be honest, enough. | |
| Enough with Arizona. | |
| And enough with wishing the president death and enough with ratting out the local fucking micro brewery or fucking gastro pub. | |
| And I mean, I love my friend. | |
| I have my friend Joe and his wife, Meg, in Georgia, took me out to dinner, you know, in Atlanta, and I was unimpressed. | |
| And they have a beautiful home and a beautiful family. | |
| And they're not, they're not, the mark of success in their life is not impressing me. | |
| And thank God. | |
| They would have failed horribly. | |
| Took me to some gastro pub. | |
| Folks, are we high? | |
| We know the rules. | |
| Corporate steakhouse on nothing. | |
| I'm trying to go to a gastropod. | |
| This is actually the best lobster. | |
| Shut the fuck up. | |
| I better recognize this place from other cities. | |
| I better know the menu already. | |
| Too much risk. | |
| And then we walk around some like gentrified area of Atlanta. | |
| I don't want this. | |
| I want the big old homes where I feel like I shouldn't be some fucking gentrified area. | |
| Everybody's drinking cold brew and planning a friend's giving. | |
| Burning hell. | |
| My opener at 24 is like, this is so cool. | |
| Me a lot of girls here and stuff. | |
| I'm like, I get it. | |
| I want to see the dark castles where they control the... | |
| I want to see where the power is. | |
| Not a gastro pub. | |
| Stop wasting my time. | |
| For the love of God, I should have picked a restaurant. | |
| I'm never not picking a restaurant when I go visit somebody. | |
| You have kids. | |
| Your job is to raise a beautiful family and they're doing that. | |
| You can't be up on everything. | |
| You know? | |
| They probably went to Yelp. | |
| Probably went to Yelp and said, which restaurant isn't racist? | |
| We want to go eat some non-racist Pokeballs. | |
| Keep buying all the products, please, on the show. | |
| If you need them, if you don't need them, buy them anyway and give them to people for the holidays. | |
| The holidays are coming up. | |
| So important. | |
| You know? | |
| It was good to see my friend. | |
| It was good to see old friends. | |
| Good to see people you haven't seen in a while. | |
| You know? | |
| It really is. | |
| They're doing great. | |
| And I'm, I'm, listen, I don't need to be impressed all the time. | |
| You know? | |
| It'd be nice to be impressed some of the time. | |
| Just a little bit. | |
| But I'm impressed with their family and their life. | |
| And that's what they got to do. | |
| You know? | |
| That's what they got to do. | |
| But there is something to be said every now and then for, you know, taking out a guest. | |
| You know, the right way. | |
| I paid for the meal. | |
| Take me out somewhere nice. | |
| I said, I'll buy a really expensive dinner, please. | |
| Let's go somewhere nice. | |
| You know? | |
| I say, go to a gastro pub. | |
| What are we nuts? | |
| Walk around. | |
| What? | |
| Then we went to like a food hall, like a food court. | |
| We're like walking around. | |
| I'm like, are you nuts? | |
| I mean, truly, and I don't think they're listening to this, so they won't hear it. | |
| You know, I'm just saying. | |
| You guys ate some fucked up stuff down there, right? | |
| Like waffles and shit. | |
| I forget what you had. | |
| We went to one restaurant that was kind of good, and we just had some southern shit. | |
| Yeah. | |
| Which I'm kind of over the southern food of just, you know, bacon-fried butter bowls. | |
| It's like, I can't just steak and fish, please. | |
| Steak and fish and leave me alone. | |
| I don't need deep-fried cornbread, you know, bacon pudding, fucking, you know, sausage, gravy, grits, and grease. | |
| I don't need that shit. | |
| It's not that good. | |
| It really isn't that good. | |
| It tastes like you should be eating it out of a trough. | |
| Truly does. | |
| I've eaten some of the greatest restaurants in the world, and it's been an honor for both me and them. | |
| And I just find it tremendously insulting when I'm taken to somewhere that is not up to my standards. | |
| I feel like it makes me sad. | |
| And I hope that, you know, I just hope that the next place I'm taking is good. | |
| You know? | |
| Ben's never taken me anywhere good. | |
| I've never picked a restaurant. | |
| You've never go to. | |
| You've never picked because you know you're not allowed. | |
| I know. | |
| And I don't order when we go out either. | |
| You're not allowed to order and you're not allowed to pick the restaurant. | |
| And every now and then, you get you to speak at certain intervals, and you know that. | |
| Like, very much like this show. | |
| It's not a free-for-all. | |
| No, no, no. | |
| Sometimes we'll sit down and you start going and talking. | |
| And I look at you like, what's this? | |
| And then you realize you're like, I'm out of control right now. | |
| You're like, and then, you know, the other thing. | |
| And I went, no, no, Down. | |
| I mean, that's the game here. | |
| That's the game. | |
| You know, I choose the restaurants. | |
| I choose the food. | |
| I choose the topics of conversation and I talk about them. | |
| You listen, you nod. | |
| You look good. | |
| You don't get fat. | |
| You look respectable. | |
| That's the way it works, folks. | |
| You don't think you think that's abusive friendship? | |
| You go find a friend. | |
| How about that? | |
| That works for us. | |
| It's actually very healthy. | |
| I think it's great. | |
| We've been best friends for like three years. | |
| This works. | |
| And it really works. | |
| You know? | |
| He knows every thought out of his head. | |
| Doesn't need to see the light of day. | |
| You know? | |
| Most of them are great. | |
| Some of them are really good. | |
| Some of them don't. | |
| I mean, the other one, Dan, I just kind of hit and stuff. | |
| I just push up against the wall. | |
| He knows. | |
| I mean, you can't let these people just speak and go on and on and on. | |
| You got to cut them off out of love. | |
| Out of love. | |
| When they start going, you got to go rein it in. | |
| And Ben has never chosen a restaurant. | |
| I mean, he's never allowed. | |
| You know, Ben told me once, he goes, you know, I really like a restaurant called Rockin' Egg Cafe. | |
| And I said, you know what? | |
| I don't go to restaurants where the first word is rocking. | |
| So you're done now. | |
| I like rock and what did you used to get at rock and egg cafe? | |
| Rocking and rolling omelets? | |
| What the fuck did you get there? | |
| I can't remember like Denver omelets and shit. | |
| Yeah, good. | |
| And you can do that. | |
| He's allowed to do that. | |
| I'm just uninvolved. | |
| I'm to make the decision. | |
| Otherwise, we end up in a restaurant with a name like Rockin' Egg Cafe. | |
| I let Dan choose a restaurant. | |
| It was shit. | |
| I know what's good. | |
| I don't want to know what's good. | |
| I just do. | |
| If you're the guy that picks the restaurant, always just be that guy. | |
| Don't let the other people choose. | |
| They're wrong. | |
| Let them do other things, like raise their kids. | |
| It's very laudable. | |
| It's a great activity, but you're not choosing the restaurant because you're going to be wrong. | |
| And I'm going to have to make a scene, rip my mask off, and cough in someone's face. | |
| We were supposed to go to the fry bread house. | |
| I think we'll skip that. | |
| I think we'll skip the fry bread house in Arizona. | |
| Even though it is good, the fry bread is very good, by the way. | |
| I just, my hatred of Arizona is now unfortunately targeting the fry bread house, which has done nothing to me and is just probably pretty damn good. | |
| But because it is in Phoenix, Arizona, I am now launching into a diatribe against it for no real reason. | |
| Thank you to everybody who came out to Arizona, who came out. | |
| I love your state. | |
| It's an honor to be here. | |
| And I really enjoy the fact you guys came and spent some time with me. | |
| One of the greatest gifts as a comedian is to travel around the country and see beautiful and unique places, make connections with people and things. | |
| And being here in Arizona has made me deeply grateful to have the job that I have and to be able to be on the road here. | |
| I love all the club owners that give me gifts that were in their children's room an hour before they gave it to me. | |
| I love everyone. | |
| Thank you so much for allowing me to be in your beautiful state. | |
| I do like my job a lot. | |
| I don't want to work at a restaurant stop with sunken in eyes. | |
| But if I fucking did and somebody came in and a fat cunt came in and wanted yogurt, and I would know where that fucking yogurt was, man, would I know where that yogurt is? | |
| Because that fat cunt's trying to change his life and he's trying to do a high-protein yogurt at 2 a.m. while he's driving through a fucking military base on the way to go perform at the fry bread house for a bunch of lizards. | |
| Get tickets to the shows. | |
| Maybe I'll be nicer to your town. | |
| Probably not. | |
| Goodbye. | |
| Great. | |