This week Duncan the Bulldog absolutely trashes the studio and shows no respect for 9/11, Tim talks the Netflix show Cuties, his interactions with influencers at Whitney Cummings's party, and the ending of Keeping Up With The Kardashians. Bonus Episodes every week: ▶▶ https://www.patreon.com/thetimdillonshow OFFICIAL MERCHANDISE ▶▶ https://www.bonfire.com/store/the-tim-dillon-show/ ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS:
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Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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The Cuties Producer00:08:56
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dylan show.
We are here Saturday night for you every week, Saturday night or Sunday morning, whenever you are coming across this broadcast.
I'm watching my friend's Bulldog.
My friend got, he had a baby.
He had a baby, and he texted me and said, are you in L.A.?
And I was because I was performing at Whitney Cummings' stand-up show that she had in her driveway.
We'll talk about that in a moment.
And I had said I would do it.
I said I'd take the dog when you had a baby.
I said, when the baby comes, I'll take the dog.
You don't think anyone's going to actually remember these things you say, but you say them in the hopes that people will forget about them and then disappear from your life.
But because that didn't happen, I had to honor my commitment.
So he is here and we will bring him.
We'll get him on screen eventually, but we're going to just, so we may have to just, you may see us, our eyes darting around the room because these bulldogs is like a little hippopotamus.
It's like a little pig and it just destroys everything.
I mean, they can't procreate.
They can barely breathe.
They can't walk.
I mean, it's amazing.
And I was on the phone with Ray Comp.
Ray Comps like, that's a pig.
I'm like, what?
He's like, that thing's disgusting.
Put it down.
What do you think people say about you?
By the way, I want to say, and I don't always, you know, people sometimes notice something I'm in that's not this show.
And I appreciate that.
You know, I don't announce all of my projects and the things I do here, but sometimes there are fans of me that will recognize me and go, hey, you were in that.
You know, I was on the Danny, that show with the rapper, Why Am I Blank?
Danny Brown?
Danny Brown.
I played Peeper the Telescope on the Danny Brown.
Get off the bed.
Don't fuck with the book.
And just get him.
Yeah, he's going to rip it open.
Just move the book, please.
I mean, just relax.
Just stop doing everything you're doing.
Just let him on the bed.
Just let him on the bed.
Let him sleep.
Danny Brown, I played Peeper the Telescope.
And it was a great honor to do that.
I liked Danny Brown a lot.
And it was a funny, it was a funny show.
The dialogue was funny.
And now people have noticed me in the new Netflix film Cuties.
And it's been an honor to be in that.
And it's just such a real treat.
I am one of the cuties.
And I play a young woman who is being exploited sexually.
And people are in arms about it.
They're up in arms about it.
I've not seen this.
Kurt Metzger, my friend, I was talking to him last night, and he said this is an intersectional car crash because you have a woman of color director who's trying to, I guess, shed light on the idea that young girls are being exploited sexually.
But how did they shed light on the idea that young girls were being exploited sexually?
By sexually exploiting young girls.
So supposedly the last scene in this film is so disturbing and such clear like bait for pedophiles that it's so absurd that there's nationwide campaigns cancel Netflix.
People are canceling Netflix, which I thought I saw canceled Netflix.
I said, is this to have to do with Jenny Slate?
But no, it's cuties.
I'm kidding.
Love Jenny and the whole squad.
But cuties, have you seen cuties?
I've not seen it yet.
You're lying.
You've been watching cuties.
That's a real sick.
By the way, how sick is it?
Like, that's the real fucking...
Somebody calls you and they're like, hey, I found a movie on Netflix that's great.
You might want to check it out.
What's it called?
Cuties.
By the way, the name sounds like a dark web CP website.
Cuties.
And the marketing for the thing is not good.
Like the marketing for it is not.
Like, we're shedding light on the issue of exploitation of minors.
The marketing for it is like, look at these bitches, twerk.
That's the problem.
The problem is the marketing is like, it's female empowerment.
Yas, queen.
I'm 11 years old and here's my pussy.
And it's like, whoa, whoa.
I mean, the marketing for this is out of control.
Why does that girl in the back kind of look like Val Kilmer?
The point is this.
Terrifying.
This is not appropriate.
Get it off the screen.
We just show it for a minute.
We don't want to have this.
Let's not have that be the backdrop, please.
God only knows.
The point is that people are angry justifiably at cuties.
Shapiro Ben Shapiro did a good take on it where he was like, the message is getting lost kind of in the marketing of the film.
Because I think the marketing of the film, you have so many different, you know, buzzwords here going on.
It's like female empowerment and then also like exploitation.
So it's like you have these young, scantily clared minors doing very sexually suggestive dances on Netflix.
This is the set is about to come down.
The set is about to come down.
Are you?
Hold on.
I'm going to get him.
Hold on.
Hold on.
This is the producer of cuties.
This is why.
He's trying to destroy the show.
Stand up.
Now sit.
Sit.
Please sit.
Sit down.
Sit.
Have you seen cuties?
Is this why you're trying to destroy the show?
Do you have any respect for anything?
When he first met Oscar, Oscar really tried to fuck him up.
And Duncan didn't understand because Duncan didn't understand.
He didn't understand that there was evil in the world until he met Oscar.
And Oscar just tried to attack him for absolutely no reason.
And Duncan's just trying to...
Duncan, Duncan, it's a podcast.
I mean, what is the history of this dog?
Like these dogs, how did they even come about?
It's so crazy.
But the point here is that cuties is really getting people angry.
I have not seen it.
I don't really plan on seeing it.
I don't plan on seeing cuties.
Duncan, you're a cutie, are you?
Now he's fucking up the sound.
You can't do this, Duncan.
9-11 just came and passed.
Duncan, what do you think about 9-11?
All right, you have to get down now.
You have to get down.
Oh, God.
He's such a monster.
Hold on, hold on.
Get him down.
Say goodbye to everyone, Duncan.
We got to talk about 9-11 now, Duncan.
He's so heavy.
He's so incredibly heavy.
Everybody, you know, this girl I'm friends with on Facebook, she put a photo of Donald Trump up holding a flag and she goes, two days after 9-11, she goes, he'll always get my vote.
He's always put America first.
And you're like, well, if that's all we need to do to secure your vote is to hold up a flag on the roof of a building two days after a national tragedy.
Well, then that's ah, he'll never not get my vote.
Even if he serves two terms and he wants to serve another one, he'll get my vote because he held a flag up after 9-11.
By the way, one of the funniest things ever that I've ever seen, there was this tour guide who was like this old bitter guy.
And he was just an angry guy when I was a tour guide in New York City on those double-decker buses.
And it was the anniversary of 9-11.
And he got on the bus.
Inside Job Confessions00:02:47
And like a British couple had asked about the heroism of the firefighters.
Like they went, it must have been the Namaisin Dai.
Maybe they were Australian.
I'll never get these raw.
Some are British and then some come out Australian.
But let's say they were from the land down under.
And he was, well, it was real heroes that day.
And the guy's response was the best I've ever heard.
He goes, he goes, that's all a lie.
He goes, I was downtown.
I saw those buildings fall and the cops and the firemen.
He goes, they ran the other way.
He goes, no one ran into those buildings.
He goes, I watched it.
He goes, so you can believe whatever lie you want.
He goes, nobody was running into those burning buildings.
They were running away.
They were cowards.
I swear, the whole bus was just frozen.
They didn't know what to do.
The guy goes, they were cowards.
They were running away.
And they're going, I was like, oh, he was just like some Australian guy was just staring at him.
Like, oh, oh, oh, oh.
I'd never heard that.
And then he said to me, this guy, I was training on his bus, you know, and then he said to me, he goes, he goes, he goes, I'm not lying.
He goes, they ran away.
And I'm like, wasn't there.
I was in Miss Rice's history class in Holy Trinity Diocesan High School in Hicksville, New York.
I was sitting there next to a woman named Kate Butler, who now has another name.
She was, and I had asked her for a pen or a pencil because I always didn't bring a pen or a pencil to school.
That was my thing.
I never, I always said for four years, I said, do you have a pen?
Do you have a pencil?
Do you have the homework?
You know, what book were we supposed to read?
I could never handle it.
I just was never prepared.
I did not go to school prepared.
Okay.
Unlike this show, which has so much preparation.
So much show prep.
I mean, hours and hours and days and days of preparation for this program.
But I turned around to Kate and they said, you have a pen.
And before I knew it, and the teacher was called out of the room, she was brought back in.
And then there was, she said, there was an attack on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon.
And back then, we didn't, you know, the World Trade Center had been bombed already.
So we didn't even put it together that that was a huge deal.
And then the Pentagon was the one that made me go, wow, this is war.
Because the Pentagon, you knew it's like, you know, this is the civilian command center, the military, civilian.
And, you know, this is the, this is the big one.
Post-9/11 Unity Lost00:06:45
They're hitting the Pentagon.
So I was sitting there and I was in Miss Rice's history class and I heard that.
And the first thing I screamed out in the class, I said, inside job.
They said, what?
I said, it's an inside job.
Don't you see that?
I didn't even know what happened, but I just instinctively said, it's an inside job.
And then I just started screaming, there are no planes.
And what was strange is I didn't even know that there were planes.
He's trying to fuck the chair.
Do you see what he's trying to do?
He's trying to fuck the chair right now.
He's just trying to, he's trying to fuck the chair.
Does 9-11 get you horny, Duncan?
I screamed, there were no planes.
It was sad.
You know, one of the kids I knew in school, his dad died.
Really, a lot of people's parents.
I call my dad so quick.
I'm like, are you a Windows of the World?
He's like, no, what?
I'm home.
I'm like, all right, see you later.
How great would it be to lose a parent in 9-11?
Let's stop pretending that wouldn't have been the greatest moment of your fucking life.
Hey, how's Pete Davidson doing?
Pretty fucking good.
He's not sitting here trying to keep a bulldog off his set.
I'd tuck, I'd strap both of my parents into the seats of United 93 if I could have a 10th of his career.
So let's cut the shit.
Candlelight vigils?
Where'd mommy go?
I don't know.
Bin Laden took her.
Where's my movie?
I'm sitting here for years, week after week.
Brilliance.
Brilliance.
But I, because I don't have a parent that died.
I'll melt my parents right fuck now.
Judd Appetow, email me.
Stop.
He agrees.
He's barking at the box of magic spoons.
He's barking at the magic spoon.
Why?
Because you realize it's a keto cereal?
Is that why?
Because it simulates the experience of the sugar cereals you liked as a child.
Is that why you're barking?
Enough with the 9-11 porn memorabilia.
Can we stop that day we were all Americans?
Thanks.
Thanks a lot.
You know, that day we were all Americans.
That day we were all Americans.
That, yes, and the day before that too.
And the day after that.
But thank you for making that brilliant point.
There was a lot of unity in the early periods after 9-11.
I've discussed it on this show.
There was a lot of unity in the early periods after 9-11 in this country, but that evaporated pretty quickly.
And we wanted it to.
You don't want a country.
You don't want a cult.
You don't want to live in a cult.
How are you doing?
How weird would that be?
Shut up.
How weird would it be if you just walked around and everybody was in?
Get him out of the room.
Get him out of the room now.
Now you're out.
Now you're out.
Because you can't handle the responsibility.
Send him out, please.
You leave now.
We're discussing 9-11.
You have a little respect.
Put him in the kitchen, please.
My point is that you don't want to live in a constant funeral.
And all these people that are just glorifying the immediate aftermath of 9-11 as if it's the goal, as if that's the goal to walk around with your head bowed, thinking about your own mortality every minute of every day.
It's not the goal, by the way.
And it was nice for a few days.
A couple of vigils are nice, but you don't want to live in a vigil.
So can we stop, please, romanticizing this idea?
I don't like where we are now, clearly.
We've gone off the rails quite a bit, culturally in this country.
But this idea that everything has to be right after 9-11 when it was so nice.
It was nice for a few days.
I'm just sick of all these people on Facebook being like, well, we were all Americans that day.
People love talking about other heroic people.
People love that.
They think it makes them heroic by talking about other people that were heroic.
You know?
Remember the heroes.
You know?
I'm just saying I would have been willing to sacrifice more than I sacrificed in 9-11, which was very little.
I would have been willing to sacrifice more.
And I think it's important that we all remember that.
You know?
So that's my little commentary on 9-11.
It changed New York dramatically.
And I put something up on Instagram about this.
If you knew about New York City before 9-11, it changed New York dramatically.
It made New York a victim.
It made New York vulnerable.
And then, you know, New York was this tough city that it was not nearly as criminal as it had been.
It was getting safer, but it was a tough city.
And then it became, you know, about Midwestern tourists coming to save New York City.
That's when you had the Disney on Broadway start.
Tourists were coddled and catered to.
And it became a city that was very specific.
It made it into a very general city where everybody can enjoy it.
It is what it is.
Eventually, it, you know, all the restaurants in New York City, a lot of them were French.
And a lot of fine dining or luxury was very opulent in the 90s.
It was very frilly.
There was a lot of lace and big tablecloths and banquets.
I mean, it looked very like you were eating in Versailles.
And then after 9-11, that felt inappropriate.
That felt wrong.
And then the green market movement started.
And, you know, all these restaurants kind of made themselves look half done.
There was exposed brick and steel and pipes.
And it just, you're more connected to your environment than you had been.
You wanted to eat on a wooden table and things were real.
And it really changed New York City.
If you knew New York City pre-9-11, many of you don't, but it really did change New York City.
Hunkering Down After 9/1100:03:50
You could take that down, but you could read that if you have any interest in it.
But it was very interesting in the aftermath of 9-11.
And I'm starting to see a lot of overlap between that and Corona, a little bit, a little overlap between that.
The constant terrorizing of the public has become unfortunate.
But it was called by me and other people on the show who said, this is real.
This did happen.
9-11 happened.
And it will be used as a way to constantly terrify people and to achieve aims that possibly were being planned long before that event, like Corona, like COVID.
So when you have Dr. Fauci who cannot throw a baseball, go out and tell everybody that we have to hunker down for the winter.
We have to hunker down for the winter.
Listen to this guy.
We should hunker down.
We can see a very deadly December.
We need to hunker down this fall and winter.
It's not going to be easy, says Dr. Fauci.
I'm telling you right now, folks, we're getting to a point now where you're going to have to start making your own decisions about your own life, your own ability to earn money.
And the experts are so all in the pocket of somebody.
Everybody is in the pocket of somebody, and they have an interest in you believing certain things, and they have an interest in you walking around and not questioning them.
And I'm not saying that you should go out there and be willy-nilly and start, you know, taking all kinds of chances with your health.
But I am telling you that I don't know how many young people this is killing.
I don't know that.
I don't know.
I believe that this is still the vast majority of people that are dying from this disease are elderly, and many of them may have other conditions.
That is still what people are able to treat this disease a lot better now.
And I just don't know if we should constantly be, you know, hunkered down.
We hunkered down for four months.
And then as Roseanne said, people left their house when they were ready to kill.
The great Roseanne, I did a podcast with the great Roseanne.
An epic meeting of the minds.
A legend such as herself and myself having a conversation or something that would get close to that.
And I was very honored that she spoke to me.
She's so funny.
She's effortlessly funny.
And she makes some very good points.
And then she's kind of in and out of it as well.
She's getting older.
She said she was close to 80.
She's 67.
I mean, she's not, she's nowhere near 80.
But what did you think?
Did you enjoy the Roseanne?
She's such a legend.
She's so, I was crying off to the side, just laughing.
She's very, very funny, Matt.
She's incredibly funny.
And it's well worth a watch.
Hey, do you take some DMT before that?
Yo, sure.
Before that interview?
Yeah.
Yeah.
You take, you drink some ayahuasca before you watch me and her?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I think it's a good primer for that conversation.
You might put a little tab of acid under the tongue before you hit play on that one because it is a little wild, but it is well worth a watch.
Very honored to do that with the great Roseanne.
What is an appropriate gift, by the way?
Now that my friend had this kid, what's an appropriate gift?
Should I get him what I got you and Katie for the wedding?
Hot Instagram Attitudes00:15:21
Ben is angry at me.
But Ben is, he doesn't believe that I sent him and his wife a beautiful wedding present that was lost in the mail because of COVID-19.
It was lost in the mail because of COVID-19.
I won't even tell him what it was like because I don't want him to be so upset.
And because if I told him when I got him, he would be so sad for doubting me.
He would then like, you know, who knows, offer to just work on this show for free for the rest of his life because he would be so indebted to me just because of what I got him that was lost in the mail due to coronavirus.
We cannot find it.
We don't know where it is.
So, but I don't know.
Do you get a savings bond?
Can you get that?
What do you get?
Oh, you could do that, like a mutual fund.
Do you invest in this country, though, for the kid, or do you buy him something from China?
Because we're on the way out.
What's the savings bond in this country going to be worth soon?
Do you really give a kid a bond and say, cash it in right when you're about to go to college when you can't breathe anymore?
I'm ready to no longer leave the house.
Aren't you?
See, California, we've been getting ready to just not leave anymore because when you leave, there's ash and embers of dead trees in your throat.
So you can't go anywhere.
And the outside has now just become a hindrance for the inside activities you want.
Like you just can't get on the Wi-Fi because the fucking everything outside's burning and you're getting angry and cell phone towers are up in flames.
So the outside now, it's just annoying.
The outside world's annoying.
And that's why we're all going digital.
We're all going to go into the void eventually and we're going to communicate with each other digitally.
We're not going to leave our homes.
We're going to get, you're going to get Amazon food deliveries.
You're going to have pedophile Netflix and you're going to have, you know, whatever you want.
And you're going to be okay.
You're not going to want to leave.
You're going to go, this is fine.
This is fine because, you know, what's the other option?
You're going to go outside in a full hazmat suit.
Doesn't make any sense.
I'm so ready for that.
I'm so ready to just be in a good quadrant.
I hope I'm in a good quadrant when they divide the country up into quadrants based on resources, which will happen soon, like District 9.
Remember that movie?
Yeah, I just hope I'm in the good district.
I forget which one that is, but that's all coming true.
The Hunger Games and District 9.
All those teeny bopper movies will come true eventually.
And, you know, AOC will be one of the queens and she'll walk around, you know, with a scepter.
And, you know, you'll be like, oh, she's from the, you know, she's District 12 or whatever.
I mean, that's all happening.
That's all going to happen.
Just embrace it.
You know, it's really bad in California, man.
I've never seen it this bad when you go out now.
Never have.
Never have.
You're just breathing in.
It's like a campfire in your car.
You're breathing in this air.
It's really, truly a problem.
And then, of course, everybody needs to virtue signal on social media with all their photos of like the red skies.
And you're like, I guess we should have listened about climate change.
It's like, yeah, I guess so, but maybe it's too late now.
So maybe shut up.
It's too late.
You're literally on fire.
So what does it matter?
I'm glad you scored that point.
Glad you scored that point.
Well, I guess we should.
Is that the last thing you want to do before you check out is to score a point, score a political point?
Like the last breath of fucking unsafe oxygen you breathe on this earth should be used to get the better of somebody.
Who hell, I guess I'm what an American way to go.
Just trying to best somebody in a pointless online argument right before you go.
I did stand up for the second time at Whitney Cummings house.
Whitney Cummings had a stand-up comedy show in her driveway or her basketball court, really her driveway area.
And it was a lot of fun.
You know, Whitney knows all these influencers, like these Instagram, is the proper term hose?
Probably not.
I'm kidding, ladies.
But these Instagram info, well, the teats are out.
I mean, they're not influencing people to go to school.
They're not doing a lot of adult literacy programs, from my understanding.
I'm sure they have many philanthropic endeavors.
But, you know, a lot of it is the teats are out.
And they all have like deals.
You know, they're hawking body oil for millions and millions of dollars on Instagram.
It's not my demo, really.
I like a working class Philly from a working class family from outside of Philly.
I like a working class family from outside of Philly that begrudgingly has to sit in a car together for 25 minutes.
Everyone's smoking cigarettes, including the dog on the way to the show.
Angry people, people that feel like they've been slighted.
My audience is people that feel like they've been slighted, like me, because both of my parents survived 9-11.
That's who my audience is.
So when I look at these hot Instagram Black Lives Matter and, you know, all of these politically correct teets in the front row, I was like, will I do well?
I don't know.
But Spade was there and Whitney was there and the book or the comedy store was there.
And some people were bombing, by the way.
You never really want to bomb when you have people that you respect there.
But some people just, I mean, wow.
But most people doing great.
Annie Letterman murdered, killed it.
Very funny.
But Annie's like that.
She can kind of fucking bob and weave and really, you know, when you're in a weird, me and Annie came up in New York when we were in a lot of weird situations and you had to give yourself over to that as a comedian and just go, we're in this fucked up situation.
We're going to call it out.
And then a lot of other comedians get up there and they're like, have you ever been to have you ever?
And the crowd's like, hey, we're Instagram influencers.
We think with our tits.
What are you doing here?
Can you fucking talk to us?
Can you fucking, I don't know who these people, Olivia Munn, I don't even know who these people are.
Kesha, who, what's that?
What's it, Kesha?
I don't even know what that is.
Is that like Shakshuka?
Is that a dish?
Who is this, Kesha?
She said hello.
She goes, I'm Kesha.
Like, I'm going to turn around and go, I'm a huge fan.
She said that to me.
I had a peach in my hand.
I go, do you think this is ripe?
I was hitting it on the counter.
She's a singer, apparently.
She did that song TikTok.
TikTok.
That was a song of every fat, freckled Irish beast woman who will still put it on Facebook and be like, remember Fridays and college at SUNY New Pulse with my girls?
TikTok.
You know, it was every fat slobs theme song who was trying to get a cock in their ass at 3 a.m. at a SUNY school in New York.
Freckled Irish beast women would listen to that song.
That is what you've inspired, Kesha.
Yes or yes.
That is what you have done.
That is what you're me.
Yes, you want hot people dancing to your music, but it ain't.
That's not the case.
You know who loves that song?
Me in a wig.
Me in a wig.
And they'll still put it up on Facebook.
And they go, hey, this is the song from me and my girls.
Remember, girls?
And they tag all the other fucking hot air balloons that they went to a SUNY school with.
These fucking boats that they went to school with.
I'm tagging all my girls.
And then you just, you just, you click on the women that they've tagged and it's just someone whose face is like.
You know the Fat Woman Instagram shot?
I've done it many times.
It's from up here.
Up here, Tilted Head.
That's Fat Woman Instagram.
Up here, Tilted Head.
You don't know what's going on beneath my head.
I bet it's hot, though.
I bet it's a cauldron of pussy juice.
That's what she did, Tekka.
There's a place downtown where the ta-da-da-da.
TikTok.
TikTok, that's your heart, ladies.
Kesha.
And then Miranda Cosgrove, who's on iCarly.
I don't want it a pedophile.
What is this?
I don't watch these things.
Nickelodeon.
Drake and Josh.
What are we nuts?
Where are the adults?
Where's Candace Owens?
Where is the exhumed corpse of William F. Buckley?
I want to perform.
What is iCarly?
Did you watch this horse shit when you were growing up?
You did, didn't you?
Rugrats?
Yeah.
I didn't have cable.
I didn't have cable.
I come from the mean streets.
My parents survived 9-11.
I didn't get the good shit.
I didn't get the Jet Appatel movies and the cable.
My parents didn't have their skin fucking melted.
I like Pete.
I don't know Pete at all.
I'm not throwing a shade at Pete.
I know it's sad to have your dad killed in 9-11.
But let's be very honest.
It's not worked out horribly for him.
And this is the fact.
So I'm willing to kill my parents.
But this is what...
And Kesha seemed like a lovely woman.
They all were lovely women.
None of this.
I just, this world is not.
I don't understand this world.
What is iCarly about?
Oh, man.
It was a spin-off of Drake and Josh.
And she lived in an apartment.
And she had a friend and a brother.
And they just got into weird shit at school.
That was kind of it.
Dude, Nickelodeon sucked.
The only good things were Doug and Daria.
They were fucking good.
They were fucking good.
Rugrats, fine.
I would go to my friends' houses.
They had cable.
They had Nickelodeon.
We didn't have cable.
When I was a kid, I watched Melrose Place.
I watched Sidney and Michael carry on a Lurt Affair.
And Michael had a beach house in Malibu.
And then Sidney blew up the whole apartment complex.
And I learned words like blackmail and abortion.
So I'm sorry I wasn't watching cartoon children, you fucking pussies.
Shout out to Aaron Spelling and Darren Starr.
Melrose Place is fucking iconic.
Shout out to Heather Lockdown.
I hope you're okay wherever you are.
You're probably parked on an off-ramp somewhere.
But anyway, I hope you're good.
Well, she's had issues is what I'm saying.
I don't know.
She has.
She's probably parked somewhere in an off-ramp trying to figure out where she is.
Well, we're with you in spirit, Heather.
Fuck these kids.
I watched Beverly Hills 90210 and NYPD Blue.
Great shows.
Dennis Franz, that fat racist.
What a genius.
What an actor.
And they all have this attitude.
These hot Instagram people have this attitude.
They're like, that's how they talk.
I had to leave.
Amanda Cerny, who I don't know, has got like a trillion followers.
She's got 25 million followers, went up and starts reading Whitney's act out of a book.
And I said, and she's a sweet girl.
You know, I'm not shitting on anybody here, but I said that was my time.
I looked at Tom Papa.
I said, I think it's time to go.
Tom Papa brought a loaf of bread, which I just ate with my bare hands in Whitney's kitchen.
Whitney's Whitney got some great pizza from Big Mama's Pizza.
And I'd never had that.
And it was just kind of like, I don't know, it's pretty good.
Big Mama and Papa's pizzeria.
Yeah, it's pretty good, man.
She got cheese sticks, mozzarella sticks.
You don't find a lot of mozzarella sticks in LA.
But Whitney got them.
And what's great is I got to have pretty much all of the food because they don't eat.
The Instagram influencers don't eat.
Okay?
They don't eat.
They don't eat food.
It's not allowed.
They take a picture with an avocado once a month, and that's all the protein they need.
So I was eating.
I was filling up.
But of course, some of the female comics are filling up too.
You know, they're not exactly smooth.
But it was a lot of fun.
It was an interesting time.
Kesha didn't show up, sadly, but she was there the other day.
I kid Kesha.
What do I know?
She's, you know, so far, she seems like such a mature, like, almost dark, brooding type of person.
But then the music is like, it's like an alarm clock or songs, right?
It's kind of like an alarm clock, but they're good.
But it's like a fun alarm clock.
It's like, I'm waking up.
Tick tock.
My life means something.
That's what her music is.
It's just fat women in state schools going, we're making the memories.
Someone kidnap me, please.
They want to get kidnapped, those women.
Someone take me away.
Someone bury me under a lake.
Show me that I'm special.
But I did well.
I had fun.
In the middle of my set, I said, oh, good, Crystal Lee just got here.
I said, he'll go next.
That didn't get a big chuckle.
That was not a warmly received joke.
There was a little chill in the air, but it was a good thing.
Whitney really loves stand-up comedy.
And I think all these other women really like her because Whitney's a real deal comic, kind of in that boys' club of being able to really throw down.
Whitney writes her ass off.
You know what I mean?
And she just fucking really does well.
And her new jokes are very funny.
You know what I mean?
But then when she's like, all right, now we're going to have the Instagram influencers come up and do my material.
And they're like, ha, ha.
Kids don't get injured anymore.
And then Whitney has to explain to them.
She's like, well, there's the premise comes first.
Honey, the premise comes first.
And then the punchline.
Don't, no, Don't snort the microphone.
We talk into it.
Truck Stop Combos vs Sunday Roast00:08:24
No, we talk into it.
But I was really glad that I was included.
And now I'm sure I won't be again.
But content is king.
If I've learned one thing, it's content is king.
But it was very nice.
And she got a lot of pizza.
I didn't even know Whitney knew what food was.
Because every time I'm there, she's always trying to give me like plant-based popsicles.
She's like, this is a chocolate kale pop.
I'm like, what?
She's like, how about some raspberry dust?
I'm like, wait, what?
She never has regular butter.
She always has some weird butter.
She's like, this is butter from a cactus' pussy.
And I'm like, well, how about, how about a cow?
How about a cow's butter?
I didn't even know she knew what fuck, dude.
If you had said to me, Whitney's having a comedy show and she's getting food, I would have never thought that we were going to be fucking doing pizza, cheese sticks, garlic bread.
How fucking cool was that?
How unexpected was that?
I thought we were going to be all eating like, you know, like taking one bite of a leaf and then handing it to the next person to bite it.
You know?
But it was good, man.
We hope the comedy store reopens.
We're back out on the road having a little bit of fun.
You are on the road.
We're going to be in Palm Beach.
We're going to be in Texas.
Get TimDillacomedy.com up.
Let's see where we're going to be.
I'm excited to be in some of these places.
Some of them not so much.
So late September, the 26th, we're going to be at Hyenas Comedy Club in Dallas.
October 1st through the 3rd, Zaney's in Nashville, Salt Lake City, Wise Guys, October 6th and 7th.
Phoenix, Arizona, stand-up live, the 9th through the 11th of October.
Tampa, Florida, side splitters.
Really, I love that place.
October 20th through Wednesday the 21st, West Palm Beach, Florida.
We're going to be there October 22nd through the 24th.
So if you are in Dallas, Nashville, Salt Lake City, Phoenix, Tampa, West Palm, please grab your tickets.
They do go fast.
These clubs are at reduced capacity.
We also have some other dates coming up, maybe Colorado and places like that.
Those are places I'm very excited to go.
Those are places where I believe, I don't know about the COVID numbers.
I just turned out an offer for Portland just because the money wasn't right.
It's like, I'm really not excited to go.
I know Portland's a great comedy town, but it's like, can you just get it together a little bit over there?
Can you just get it together?
I don't really need to fucking, you know, what do we, what do we, we were riding every night now?
Right.
So 12 days of Christmas, like the 60 days of looting, 60 days of rioting.
Just clean it up over there, Portland, please.
I really don't like the Pacific Northwest.
I don't jive with it at all.
I'll perform there, but it's not for me.
It's not for me.
Those fucking gray forests and everything.
Oh, fuck off.
It's not for me.
And if you live there, bless your heart.
And I know you deserve comedy.
Maybe you're a fan of the show.
But I'll tell you right now, I don't, I do not connect with your area at all.
I went to Spokane once, which is essentially a white supremacist.
I mean, it's like, they're literally like a few miles away from this town in Idaho where everybody's like, you know, real proud of their heritage.
Got a lot of interest in European culture.
And, you know, I was like, wow, real white crowd.
As soon as I walked onto the stage of Spokane, and then everybody went, yeah.
The local races I was reading, they were like, Governor Butch Otter is running against, and I'm like, what are we doing here, folks?
I was going nuts.
I was following around a groundhog for two days, this groundhog.
I kept following around.
I would FaceTime Ben and show him the Groundhog.
And then I realized that a Groundhog is the same thing as a woodchuck.
Isn't that what I realized?
Yeah, or maybe they're not the same.
Or they are the same.
Well, why don't you look it up?
This is why you're here to look things up to be to be our link to reality.
A groundhog are also woodchucks or a whistle pig or a land beaver.
Now, that's what I learned being in Spokane.
I learned that.
I learned that a groundhog is also a woodchuck.
Okay?
I also learned several other things about, you know, genetics, but I'll leave them out.
I'm also unsure of the scientific basis of much of what I was told, much of what I learned.
But I will get back to the Pacific Northwest.
I'm just that excited to go.
I'm not really pumped up to go to the Pacific Northwest.
Those pale goth weirdos.
Get the fuck out of here.
I'm excited to go to London.
I want to go to London.
Let's sell out the Soho Theater.
I want to go to the UK.
I want to do that True Geordie podcast, that guy.
I want to eat meat pies.
You know, I want to eat good chicken tikka masala, which is the cuisine of London, you know, because what is it going to be?
Boiled meat?
You know, they have that Sunday roast in England.
They're all talking about how good it is with Yorkshire pudding and the roast.
So there's like, you know, British people would come over here and they'd be like, there's nothing better than the Sunday roast.
It's just nothing better.
I'm like, yeah, you know what's better than that?
A chicken finger in my country.
A mole chicken finger is better than your national dish.
Shut the fuck up.
You gave us a lot of great gifts like civilization, racism, but you don't have anything going on with the food.
We don't need your fucking Yorkshire pudding.
And yeah, it's just gray roast beef.
It's fine.
I'm sure it's good, damn good if it's done right.
But they're so invested that it's the best.
It's the best thing ever.
It's nothing better than a Sunday roast.
Yeah, I'm going to say combos are.
I'm going to say combos from a truck stop that you eat on the way to a national park you're going to get kidnapped in are better than your Sunday roast, your graying, your gray pussy lip roast beef and your Yorkshire fucking pudding and your mashed peas grow the fuck up.
And you're, somebody was talking to me about this and I forgot who was talking to me about it, but somebody made a great point.
They were like, I might have been on another show.
They were saying like, isn't it weird that Britain's big fish and chips dish is served in like newspaper and they serve it with like malt vinegar.
Very strange.
You know, but they come over here.
They are impressed by our food over here.
That's the one thing in America really impresses people.
I mean, we don't have much else going on except spectacle.
We're very good at spectacle.
Is that Kim Kodashi?
You know, like they're all into that.
Like, oh my God, that's a person from TV.
And they're real.
And they're actually here.
That we can do really well, you know.
But food is just, you know, there's no more sinful food than America.
Nobody lays a meal on you like America.
Even Italy, you feel light and fine after you eat.
But America, we poison people truly with everything we give them.
Just a little bit of poison, you know?
And the people from the UK are like stunned.
You go have a milkshake in another country from McDonald's.
You're like, this is like not sweet.
And then you realize that part of what makes our milkshake sweet is the amount of syrup that goes into them.
And that's why you're drinking them and you get a pounding headache about 30 minutes after you have this milkshake because you're coming down.
After you have the milkshake, you're in the car.
You're like, my life's going to work out.
Everything's going to be okay.
Frappuccino, milkshake, any of it.
I'm going to be, I'm doing well.
When you have a Frappuccino, when you're halfway down a Starbucks Frappuccino, when you're in the front of your car and you got the air conditioning blasting on your face and you got that Frappuccino down and you got the caffeine in there and then the sugar, you're going, okay, I can do this.
Whatever this is, whatever this life is, I can do it.
And then 30 minutes later, you have a pounding headache because you're coming down from the sugar and you need something else.
So you stuff a thing of gum in.
You take a fucking energy drink.
Kardashian Sex Talk00:15:25
I mean, it's just a never-ending, you know?
So I want to get over there.
I want to get over there to Australia, to the UK, and do some of those markets.
I'm very excited about going to those markets.
And I've never done stand-up.
I've done stand-up comedy in Scotland, which was great.
I went over with a mixed race comic and an Indian woman.
And then I walked out and like, well, the Scottish people were like, oh, it is the American.
Like, they were like, oh, here's the, here's the reason Trump got elected.
You know?
Because like the two comedians I went with were fairly woke.
So they went out and they did like their woke bits and the crowd's like, okay, this, is this the American showcase?
And then I went out and I was like, hey, fuck you.
And they were like, yeah.
And we just connected.
I love that room, the stand in Glasgow.
Great.
I don't know what's happening to UK comedy.
I imagine like American comedy is being pulverized into the ground by, you know, non-binary fat witches running around, casting spells on people and telling them what words they're allowed to utter.
I'm unsure.
God, I just want to go.
Can we just go back to a fucking nice time of private, kind of puritanical set, like sex should be private.
Sex is by its nature better if it's private.
You know what I mean?
And I know what you're saying.
That's what Epstein thought.
But I don't mean it like that.
What I mean is that by making sex just mass marketing and vulgar and nasty, what you're doing is you're taking all the interesting, kind of cool stuff about it away and you're making it this transactional fucking, you know, experience that, you know, people are having less sex.
Isn't it amazing?
Think about that.
Wet ass pussy is one of the biggest songs in the country.
People are actually coming in contact with less wet ass pussies in real life.
They're having less sex.
They're furiously masturbating the porn.
They're not having a lot of sex because everything's been digital and everything's been made very sterile.
Sex feels very, have you ever met a sex addict and heard them talk about sex when they talk about it?
It sounds gross because they talk about it the way that you talk about anything you do all the time that is relatively kind of somewhat meaningless to you.
And it's very perfunctory, the mechanization of it, the mechanics of it, the way they talk about it.
They talk about it in a way where you go, ugh, it just sounds kind of gross because instinctually we know that sex should have some level of, it doesn't always have to be this special, amazing, whatever thing, but it should have something about it that is more than pissing.
Sex should be more than pissing and shitting.
We know that.
But when a sex addict talks to you about sex, it sounds like somebody's talking about taking a piss.
Does.
And then I stopped behind the rest stop and the bathroom was out.
So I just took a piss around a building.
Then I got back in my car and I drank some more water.
Fuck, I had to piss again.
So I pissed in a bottle.
Then I kept driving in the hotel room and I pissed all over.
I was so drunk, I pissed all over the fucking bed.
Piss, piss, piss.
A piss in the ocean, a piss in the pool.
All right.
Why are you telling me?
But there's something kind of antiseptic, sterile, medical, gross about that.
And I feel like our society is heading to that place with sex.
And it is disturbing when you see young kids, young girls and boys sexualized before they are mature enough to handle the emotional, psychological ramifications of their behavior and what they're doing.
You know, so when you have these girls dancing like this, they don't know, they don't know who finds that attractive.
They're not ready to handle that.
They're not ready to handle what they're doing.
And it's just, to me, I'm deeply conservative kind of when it comes to, I want to live in Meet Me in St. Louis.
Meet Me in St. Louis was a musical with Judy Garland.
Respect, Pills and Boos, Respect.
And Meet Me in St. Louis.
Look at the house they lived in.
I like these outfits that the people are in.
That's the way people should dress.
And they took trolleys.
And the woman and the women could, look at these women.
That's not unattractive.
And look at the men.
And the women look a little trans and that's fine.
That was nice back then.
Gender was more fluid then than it is now.
You keep injecting collagen into your pussy lips to make yourself look these people were cut.
Look at that one on the left.
She's kind of like, who knows what's going on there, but it's fun.
And they did, look at the people used to dance with top hats and canes.
Go up there to the left.
Look at the way people used to live.
What year was this?
1944.
1944.
Not everything going on in 1944 was spectacular.
It's an unfortunate year for this to have been made.
I'm in a little bit of a hole now.
Okay?
What I'm saying is that I don't like anything about 1944 except this film.
I didn't know when it was made when I went into this.
I don't prepare for this fucking show.
There was a lot going on in 1944 that I have a big problem with.
But people taking trolleys in St. Louis and dancing with hats is not one of them.
Christ.
It had to be made in 1944.
Now it sounds like a dog whistle.
I'm going to have to deal with that daily show writer again.
She did have yourself and you don't have yourself a Merry Little Christmas.
This was the famous song that came from Meet Me in St. Louis.
My grandmother used to watch this.
And then clang, clang, clang went the trolley.
Did you ever listen to that?
No, I didn't.
Clang, clang, clang went the trolley.
Ding, ding, ding went the bell.
Whatever is going on in Germany is their business.
Now that lyric was changed.
Clang, clang, clang went the trolley.
Ding, ding, ding went the bell.
Let's not ask too many questions.
Stocks are up.
Things are going well.
But this was a fun, I mean, this was fun here.
Did you see this?
Did you watch the classics?
Never seen this.
Never seen this.
This was a great fucking man.
Have yourself a Merry Little.
Have yourself.
A Merry Little Christmas.
Take the Viking.
Booze and pills and love.
You know, that was Judy Garland.
Towards the end, it was rough.
But she was a fucking I guess.
She had that voice.
She was in The Wizard of Oz.
Yes.
And she had that voice.
She had that amazing voice that nobody had.
You know that?
Remember that?
Keeping up with the Kardashians is ending.
Let's pull that up.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is ending, folks.
And it is one of the most influential shows of the last 25 years.
It is the blueprint for modern American fame 100%.
Okay.
It replaced talent with access.
This point is something that we've seen over and over again.
Access.
Caitlin Jenner, nobody called you.
Bitch.
No one's calling you.
Caitlin.
Caitlin is like the most hilarious, problematic trans woman ever.
She's so great.
She's like, nobody called me.
I was at a Trump rally.
I had service.
It's like, Caitlin, no one's calling.
You're out of control, Caitlin.
Caitlin's like, I'm on tour with Candace Owens and no one called me.
I don't get it.
I heard it on the news.
Why can't one of the kids that I have that might be OJ Simpsons call me?
But this is what, this is what American fame has become.
It's access.
You sell access to yourself.
And the cooler life you have, the more people want access to it, right?
So if you live in Calabasas and you're rich and you have celebrity friends, people really want access to that.
Or if you're a TikToker and you live in one of those houses, people want access to that.
But they don't care about talent.
You do.
You care about talent, but the others don't.
We're talking about mass marketing here and the way that it's done.
People want in.
They want in.
They want to see behind the curtain, behind the veil.
They want to feel like they're sitting in your living room.
They want to watch you eat Cheerios.
This is what has been happening over the last, you know, two decades in this country.
We have replaced talent, the things that Judy Garland had, which is this one in a million voice that was really never replicated that just rolled out of her mouth like this crazy fucking, you know, when you hear her do somewhere over the rainbow or you hear her do have yourself a merry little Christmas.
It wasn't a, it was, it was, it wasn't even remarkably powerful.
She wasn't really, you know, she didn't belt.
She belted out a little, but nothing compared to like a Whitney Houston or somebody like that.
But it was just this voice.
It wasn't from training.
It wasn't really from, it was just there.
It was this thing inside of her that just came out.
It was this gift, whatever you want to call it.
It was from some other fucking celestial realm when she was really hitting that.
We're not interested in that anymore.
In fact, we think that's weird.
We kind of don't like that.
We kind of don't like when someone has an unexplainable, amazing talent because we don't know how we're going to do it.
We don't know how we fit into that.
Well, I got a wacky family and maybe one day, you know, there's always this weird idea that you're vicariously living through all these people that you watch on TV and you think there's a possibility that you might become them.
And there's just no way to do that when you have somebody that has this incredibly rare talent that really isn't.
I mean, I'm sure Judy Garland worked hard, but let's be very honest.
That's a very natural kind of talent.
It's very kind of masculine, husky voice.
Like, what?
Go to, can we even play any of this?
You want to play music?
I want to play Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.
Yeah, I'd probably get pulled.
Get pulled, right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, Spotify, your move.
Write the check.
Daddy will dance right over.
You write that check.
But what I'm saying is that the Kardashians are the blueprint for being famous now.
It's what AOC is a Kardashian.
The Hype House and the Sway House are Kardashians.
All the major political figures now will be Kardashians.
Donald Trump's a Kardashian.
Don't get it twisted.
Everything that's succeeding right now in a very big way are Kardashians.
Those are people that give you, it's an all-access pass to their thoughts and their lives.
No matter how humdrum and unimportant something they may be doing is, they'll do it and they'll let you in on it.
And that, and you get the access pass.
The all-access pass all day, every day.
You can sit there and have a ringside seat for their life.
And again, the cooler the life is or the more sensational it is, the more people want in.
And that's what the Kardashians did.
That's really what the Kardashians did.
It's really amazing to watch a show like this come to an end because you don't know what's next.
You know, one of the kids from one of the guys from Chapbo Trap House after Trump won, I think he said, but the really scary thing is you get like, what is next?
You can't imagine what's next.
I can't imagine what is next after the Kardashians.
I can't imagine how it could get less talent focused.
Truly.
And I like them, by the way.
I've defended them.
I like them.
I think they're hard worker.
Kim Kardashian's a beast and a business person.
And there's no, I have nothing negative to say about them other than the celebration of that particular type of show and that particular type of route to fame is says a lot about the wholesale destruction of the American culture.
But that's the only negative thing I'd say.
Truly.
And if you know me, you know, I could say a lot of negative things.
The only negative thing that I would say is that it's the wholesale destruction of any beauty in American culture.
But other than that, truly, truly other than that, I kind of respect the hustle.
Here's what America is.
I said this on the cigarette pod, but it's not coming out till the week before the election.
So here's what it is.
If I had to explain America to somebody, America is hearing a song on the radio.
And then somebody tells you that song is Bad Baby.
And you go, who's Bad Baby?
And they go, it's the woman who said, catch me outside.
How about that?
The woman who's threatening to fight the audience and her own mother on Dr. Phil.
And there's a moment of rage that builds up in you that this woman is now a star.
But then a split second later, you start bobbing your head to the beat and you go, this isn't that bad.
This isn't that bad.
America is the moment between the rage and going, this is pretty good.
That's where America lives.
Never forget that.
So as angry as I may seem or as hateful as some of my rhetoric appears, a minute later, I'll just go, pretty good.
Because I'm a survivor and that's how you survive in America.
That's how you don't go insane.
That's how you don't go insane.
Because otherwise you just go insane.
You bang your head against a wall until you see blood.
You know?
Just that moment of, I can't believe this fucking bitch.
I don't know about these house.
Just a moment.
This, she's a fuck as a, why Porsche?
Why Jays?
Why?
Oh.
Well, this isn't that bad at all.
That's America.
And that's the way I feel about the Kardick.
Because for a moment, I get a little angry that the beauty of American culture, any of it, has been completely and totally destroyed to never return.