The Tim Dillon Show - 215: 215 - Petty Little Pig
Aired: 2020-08-30
Duration: 51:08


=== Luxury Experience Gone Wrong (14:23) ===

[00:00:00]  Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dylan show.
[00:00:02]  There's going to be some background noise here.
[00:00:04]  You shut the fuck up about it.
[00:00:06]  We're doing a video episode for you pigs.
[00:00:09]  You want it, you get it.
[00:00:11]  We're out here in Montauk and Airbnb.
[00:00:13]  I was promised that this was going to be a luxury experience, and it is not.
[00:00:18]  And I am unhappy about it.
[00:00:20]  I got a table of six squawking birds over there, which I don't like.
[00:00:25]  And I got a guy on his mower, okay?
[00:00:28]  And I hope to God he's doing it because he enjoys it.
[00:00:30]  Because if I look over there and I see that he's an employee and I have to look at those people, I'm going to lose my fucking mind.
[00:00:37]  So I hope to Christ he's driving a John Deere because he enjoys it, okay?
[00:00:43]  And it is not a worker while I'm sitting here in this shithole that's supposed to be a surf cottage.
[00:00:51]  What a working class hell Montauk is.
[00:00:54]  I was in the Hamptons.
[00:00:55]  I came back to see my family who will die of COVID-19 in the second wave.
[00:01:02]  I will make sure of it.
[00:01:03]  COVID-19 may leave bullet holes in them and strangulation marks around their neck.
[00:01:07]  They're going down by November.
[00:01:09]  They're going down by November.
[00:01:10]  I don't care.
[00:01:11]  I don't care.
[00:01:12]  Okay?
[00:01:13]  And I went to see them.
[00:01:15]  I got an Airbnb on that part of Long Island, the South Shore.
[00:01:19]  I was sitting outside with two friends.
[00:01:21]  Dan is producing the show today because Ben is back in California and Dan is here because he doesn't have a life.
[00:01:28]  So he's producing the show.
[00:01:30]  I was here with Dan and Luke.
[00:01:33]  Luke opens for me.
[00:01:35]  And I mean, I swear to Christ with the fucking lawnmower, I'm going to break someone's fucking head here.
[00:01:41]  I really am.
[00:01:42]  For the love of God, they don't even have a couch in the fucking living room here.
[00:01:47]  It's two wood benches that they've put blankets on like we're in a methadone clinic here.
[00:01:55]  And the whole house is littered with Native American memorabilia.
[00:02:01]  And by the way, I'm a supporter of the Native Americans.
[00:02:03]  Many of you know that.
[00:02:05]  But this house is owned by some white bitch who's decorated it all with fucking, you know, cocapelli and dreamcatchers and everything.
[00:02:14]  It's just not tasteful.
[00:02:16]  How bad is this background noise getting?
[00:02:19]  Pretty bad.
[00:02:20]  It's hard to tell.
[00:02:23]  We have a fucking mower and we got six squawking birds having a real white Zen night out here in Montauk, getting their opinions out.
[00:02:34]  Squawking birds and a mower.
[00:02:36]  We're doing the best we can.
[00:02:38]  We got a real dinner party over there.
[00:02:40]  The cops will be here shortly.
[00:02:42]  Trust me.
[00:02:42]  They're coming.
[00:02:43]  They came last night.
[00:02:44]  Me and Luke and Dan were discussing race relations in America.
[00:02:49]  I swear to God.
[00:02:51]  I swear to God, I said this sentence.
[00:02:54]  How do we get race relations to a better position?
[00:02:57]  And after that sentence, the neighbor on Long Island came over and said, hey, can you cut it out over there?
[00:03:02]  Can you cut it out over there?
[00:03:05]  And then he called the police.
[00:03:07]  What do you think that call was?
[00:03:09]  He calls up the cop and he goes, by the way, the guy next to me is trying to, he's talking about bettering the lives of black Americans.
[00:03:15]  Please come get him.
[00:03:17]  Please come shut them down.
[00:03:19]  So this cop shows up at the Airbnb and he's like, oh, I was called to the site of a party and there's no party here.
[00:03:26]  I said, yeah, there's no party.
[00:03:28]  We're just having a conversation.
[00:03:29]  I didn't tell the cop about what.
[00:03:32]  I didn't say we're having a conversation about some of the activities you people have been participating in.
[00:03:38]  We're having a conversation about you people being a little drinker happy.
[00:03:42]  I don't want to have that conversation.
[00:03:44]  I want to have a nice conversation about Italian ice.
[00:03:46]  It's the end of summer.
[00:03:47]  But because you people can't put a gun in the toddler's face, you can't stop doing that.
[00:03:53]  I have to sit in my backyard and talk about these things.
[00:03:56]  Doesn't make me happy.
[00:03:58]  We did lose a Patreon subscriber recently, and I don't usually go into this, but this is weird.
[00:04:03]  This was a young dude who listened to the show.
[00:04:06]  I don't know him.
[00:04:08]  I don't think I've ever met him.
[00:04:10]  A guy named Kyle Rittenhouse deleted his Patreon subscription.
[00:04:14]  So, hey, man, there's a lot of good entertainment that you're missing out on.
[00:04:19]  I don't know what your deal is, but the reality is there's a lot of fucking good stuff coming on the Patreon.
[00:04:25]  It was a little strange that he, I mean, are we going to keep it up with the why are they doing this?
[00:04:34]  I hate my talk.
[00:04:35]  It's a working class hell.
[00:04:37]  I want wasps, goddamn it.
[00:04:40]  I want porcelain-skinned wasps eating silently, eating fucking flounder.
[00:04:46]  And I'm here in this hellscape of fucking surfers and fishermen.
[00:04:50]  It's like a Billy Joel wet dream, this fucking town.
[00:04:53]  Bomb it, damn it, to hell.
[00:04:55]  I think the girls have, I think the girls have quieted down now.
[00:05:00]  They know that they know that someone with an intellect is here.
[00:05:03]  But I'll tell you this, folks.
[00:05:06]  The police will be coming probably shortly, probably in the middle of the show.
[00:05:10]  Hopefully not during an ad read.
[00:05:12]  But what are you going to do?
[00:05:13]  Who's that?
[00:05:14]  Somebody come over?
[00:05:14]  Yeah, people are wandering.
[00:05:16]  People are wandering over.
[00:05:17]  Good for them.
[00:05:18]  Could wander back to their trailers.
[00:05:20]  This is not luxury.
[00:05:22]  There's an animal skull on the table behind us.
[00:05:23]  I mean, we were promised, I was promised a luxurious experience.
[00:05:30]  I mean, what is happening?
[00:05:31]  I mean, it's a complete, it's really, truly a complete hell.
[00:05:35]  And I obviously don't want to sound ungrateful because I know there's 18 million Americans out of work or 17.8 million Americans out of work.
[00:05:44]  And all of them, and that's just comedians.
[00:05:45]  All of them are just stand-up comedians, sadly.
[00:05:48]  But I'm just saying that when you promise an experience, you deliver the experience.
[00:05:53]  You don't deliver this fucking surf cottage.
[00:05:56]  We've got a skull of a bison in there.
[00:05:59]  Some horns coming out.
[00:06:01]  Like it's a scene out of True Detective.
[00:06:03]  I don't like it.
[00:06:04]  Of course, we're kidding about Kyle Rittenhouse.
[00:06:06]  He was not on the Patreon, by the way.
[00:06:09]  How do we feel about that?
[00:06:10]  Everybody, that's a new thing everyone's discussing right now.
[00:06:13]  I stayed away from that one on Twitter.
[00:06:15]  It seemed very hot.
[00:06:18]  Seemed very hot, that discussion about Kyle Rittenhouse and his gun.
[00:06:26]  He went out.
[00:06:27]  There was a protest in Kenosha.
[00:06:30]  Is that the way to pronounce it?
[00:06:32]  Kenosha, Wisconsin, about the shooting of Jacob Blake.
[00:06:36]  Kyle Rittenhouse went to the protest with his mother, Mama Rittenhouse.
[00:06:42]  Mama Bear Rittenhouse, also, I believe, armed.
[00:06:47]  They're an armed family.
[00:06:50]  So Mama Bear Rittenhouse took Baby Bear to the protest, and Baby Bear brought, it wasn't, what is it, an AR-15 or an AK?
[00:06:58]  What did he bring?
[00:06:59]  I don't know what he brought, but I know that people are getting mad that people are confusing those things.
[00:07:03]  They're like, hey, before you comment on this, how about figuring out the difference between an AR and an AK?
[00:07:11]  It's like, yeah, but also, how about just not having teenagers running through the town square with them?
[00:07:17]  No matter which one it is.
[00:07:19]  How about we not substitute Junior Prom with a shoot-'em-up?
[00:07:24]  That's just my thoughts.
[00:07:26]  But whatever automatic weapon he had, it's actually not automatic, Tim.
[00:07:30]  It's, it's, you don't, whatever.
[00:07:34]  So he shows up with a gun.
[00:07:35]  I don't know what he's doing.
[00:07:36]  I don't know if he's, I've commented on this before.
[00:07:39]  I've spoken.
[00:07:40]  Now it seems like ad nauseum about what happens when you defund and abolish police.
[00:07:47]  You will have militias.
[00:07:49]  You will have, I've never in my life, by the way, heard this fucking dirty working class pig on his mower for so long.
[00:07:57]  I hope to God he blows his fucking brains out on his goddamn mower.
[00:08:01]  I hate people that mow their own fucking lawn, but I do hope that if I do get a glimpse of him, it is someone who's mowing their own lawn and not a worker because I'm pro-worker.
[00:08:11]  So in this situation, I'd like my rage to be directed at the owner of the property, but I don't know who it is.
[00:08:17]  If it's someone just doing their job, I'm not as mad at it.
[00:08:20]  But if it's just some fucking hedge fund piece of shit who's fucking doing his own lawn because he, I want to feel like a real man.
[00:08:29]  I just bankrupted Ecuador and I want to feel like a man.
[00:08:32]  So I surf and mow my own lawn.
[00:08:35]  There's a cute little bunny here.
[00:08:37]  You can't see it, but I'm going to break its neck shortly and dip it in Frank's Red Hot.
[00:08:42]  That's right.
[00:08:42]  That's where you're going.
[00:08:44]  But my point about the Rittenhouse situation is this is what's going to happen.
[00:08:51]  It's predictable.
[00:08:53]  When you have chaos, riots, looting, you will have people, some of them children, picking up weapons for no reason.
[00:09:02]  Are they, well, is he defending the, who's he defend?
[00:09:06]  Some people will defend their businesses.
[00:09:08]  Some people just like chaos.
[00:09:10]  Some people like violence.
[00:09:13]  Some people are quite bored.
[00:09:15]  They're bored and they say, what's going on downtown tonight?
[00:09:20]  Is it a parade?
[00:09:22]  No.
[00:09:23]  It's kind of a parade, but everybody's bringing a weapon.
[00:09:26]  Let's see what we're going to get into.
[00:09:28]  And some people go, well, that sounds like a fun idea.
[00:09:31]  Let's grab the guns, get in the buggy and head down to town.
[00:09:35]  So we're analyzing it the wrong way.
[00:09:37]  We're trying to look at it.
[00:09:38]  We're trying to be like, but should he have what I don't understand?
[00:09:43]  Maybe, no, people are bored and they have weapons.
[00:09:46]  It's not a good mix.
[00:09:48]  You see, it's a combustible mix when bored people have access to machinery of death because they tend to use that.
[00:09:57]  They want to go out.
[00:09:58]  They're bored.
[00:09:59]  They don't have any jobs.
[00:10:01]  They've closed down the movie theater.
[00:10:02]  So you can't go see Fast and Furious 27.
[00:10:06]  Okay.
[00:10:06]  You can't meet a nice woman and try to get a hand job by the popcorn machine.
[00:10:11]  You have to try to overthrow the government now if you want any fun.
[00:10:15]  If you want to get your jollies, you're leaving your house.
[00:10:17]  So Mama Bear Rittenhouse and Baby Bear grab the AKs or the ARs or whatever they had, the elephant gun, the Uzi.
[00:10:24]  I don't know.
[00:10:24]  Not an expert, okay?
[00:10:26]  They get in the buggy and they head down to Kenosha, Wisconsin, the city center where the Black Lives Matter movement had been lighting up the cars and the dealerships.
[00:10:39]  And they lit up a few dealerships that I saw.
[00:10:43]  What else did they get over there?
[00:10:44]  Do you see what they got?
[00:10:45]  They got a few other things.
[00:10:46]  Were you paying attention to that?
[00:10:48]  I don't care about this.
[00:10:49]  The reality is, well, that's good.
[00:10:51]  That's why you're on unemployment.
[00:10:53]  When that runs out, it's over.
[00:10:55]  So the Black Lives Matter people, they come in and they're looting and there's some chaos and there's some skirmishes, some fighting, okay?
[00:11:08]  And then you have, look something up on this, by the way, because I don't want to be wrong about this.
[00:11:11]  It seems rather important.
[00:11:13]  And then you have Rittenhouse.
[00:11:16]  You see the video.
[00:11:16]  I watched the video of the kid.
[00:11:18]  He's being chased.
[00:11:18]  He has a gun.
[00:11:19]  He's being chased.
[00:11:20]  Somebody kicks him in the head and then he gets up.
[00:11:22]  He sits up and he starts shooting, firing.
[00:11:24]  And then after that, I think he runs towards police and people are angry that the police gave him a bottle of water and they patted him on the head and they didn't shoot him.
[00:11:34]  Well, let's be a little consistent, folks.
[00:11:36]  Do we want the police shooting people or not?
[00:11:38]  How do we want this to play out?
[00:11:40]  Do we want the police to just knee-jerk reaction, start shooting people as a general rule?
[00:11:44]  I don't think we do, right?
[00:11:46]  That's not what we want.
[00:11:48]  In fact, I believe we're campaigning to reverse that behavior.
[00:11:53]  But Kyle went to the now I did find it a little suspect that the cops let him drive himself to the police station that I didn't like.
[00:12:02]  I didn't think that it was right that they had a tick or tape parade for him.
[00:12:06]  I thought that was very strange when they were chanting his name, Ka, yo, Ka, yo, Ka, yo, that I didn't like.
[00:12:13]  I thought that was very odd.
[00:12:15]  So there was behavior that they engaged in that was disappointing to me from the thing of law enforcement.
[00:12:22]  Many of them just started making out with him when he walked over.
[00:12:24]  They just started deep mouth kissing him.
[00:12:26]  I found that odd.
[00:12:27]  He's a minor, but they were seemingly very supportive of him.
[00:12:30]  There was a lot of high-fiving going on when he stepped over there.
[00:12:33]  So again, there are things that shouldn't escape the world's eye.
[00:12:41]  We should be looking at these things.
[00:12:43]  But Kyle was then taken in by the police.
[00:12:46]  Now he's booked on, I believe, first-degree murder charges in Wisconsin.
[00:12:50]  This is what I believe is happening.
[00:12:52]  And then this is the big to-do.
[00:12:54]  Everybody is deciding, was it right or was it wrong?
[00:12:58]  What he did and what happened.
[00:13:00]  Well, here's my position.
[00:13:01]  My position is this.
[00:13:03]  As a general rule, when there is going to be civil unrest, I tend to go the other way.
[00:13:11]  I recommend an Airbnb, something by the mountains, the desert.
[00:13:16]  I enjoy the beach.
[00:13:17]  I prefer that.
[00:13:18]  Now, some people like to go into the eye of the storm, so to speak, with a weapon.
[00:13:23]  Now, that is your prerogative.
[00:13:25]  But when you do that, you understand that things are going to happen.
[00:13:29]  Many of those things, unpredictable and unfortunate.
[00:13:33]  Maybe he was defending the local business.
[00:13:36]  I don't know.
[00:13:36]  I don't like any business enough to defend.
[00:13:39]  I don't like any of my family enough to defend.
[00:13:41]  In fact, if Black Lives Matter was killing my family right now, I would not show up to defend my family.
[00:13:47]  I would actually tweet in support of whatever activity they were doing.
[00:13:50]  I mean, I'm talking about BLM stomping my parents out in the middle of the street.
[00:13:55]  I'm telling you, I would not go in the direction of that.
[00:13:59]  I might feel bad for my parents.
[00:14:01]  I would be like, oh, well, that's not good.
[00:14:03]  But I wouldn't get in a car and head to their house with a weapon.
[00:14:08]  And maybe that speaks to my character.
[00:14:10]  Maybe I should do that.
[00:14:12]  But I just feel like this guy probably doesn't have a lot of guidance in his life.
[00:14:17]  Mama Bear Rittenhouse, probably not Mother of the Year.
[00:14:20]  She's driving her son to a protest.
[00:14:22]  He's heavily armed.

=== Chaos vs Political Movement (08:59) ===

[00:14:23]  This doesn't seem like the best idea.
[00:14:26]  I don't know what this was.
[00:14:27]  Maybe they thought it was going to be just a show of force.
[00:14:29]  They were going to march around with the weapons.
[00:14:31]  I don't know.
[00:14:32]  But again, when this type of thing happens, the looting, the burning, the chaos, I suggest Palm Springs, the Hamptons.
[00:14:41]  These are the nice places.
[00:14:42]  Jackson Hall, not Montana.
[00:14:45]  God help you.
[00:14:46]  It was a Smith and West.
[00:14:47]  I would rather be getting my skull kicked in right now by Antifa than be in this fucking shithole.
[00:14:54]  My point is this.
[00:14:55]  Court d'Alene, Idaho is nice.
[00:14:58]  These are nice places.
[00:14:59]  And I'm only, of course, I'm naming the rich places because I'm being funny, but there's a lot of other areas that aren't expensive that you can go.
[00:15:07]  You can leave.
[00:15:08]  You can leave Kenosha, Wisconsin, and go somewhere else till things quiet down.
[00:15:14]  Try to get away until things simmer down.
[00:15:17]  That's my general rule.
[00:15:19]  Now you can go and march with a weapon.
[00:15:21]  I just find it to be probably not too smart.
[00:15:24]  And now this kid's got a first-degree murder charge.
[00:15:27]  And that's what I've got to say about that.
[00:15:30]  I don't know the kid.
[00:15:30]  I don't know the family.
[00:15:32]  You know, all these people are, I mean, I feel like they might be a bit off, but I don't know.
[00:15:39]  I don't know.
[00:15:40]  It's not like I have any love loss.
[00:15:42]  I mean, these protesters are anarchists.
[00:15:44]  They want to burn down the city.
[00:15:45]  They're not getting anything out of this.
[00:15:47]  This is about violence and chaos.
[00:15:49]  It is not a political movement.
[00:15:52]  It does not have a political goal.
[00:15:54]  It does not have points.
[00:15:57]  It does not have a leader.
[00:15:59]  There's no attempted negotiations.
[00:16:00]  There's very few demands that are realistic other than like eat the rich or end capitalism, which seems as a demand to be a bit lofty of an ideal, per se.
[00:16:12]  So again, we're seeing this as a movement which agitators and anarchists and people are going to take advantage of.
[00:16:18]  The United States government might send people into that movement to further delegitimize it.
[00:16:22]  They've done it with every protest movement ever.
[00:16:25]  Every counterculture movement in America has been subverted by the FBI.
[00:16:30]  Look up Cointelpro.
[00:16:31]  Look up any of these things.
[00:16:33]  Okay.
[00:16:34]  So at the end of the day, you do not know who's in that crowd.
[00:16:37]  When everybody's got a black mask on and everybody's just throwing Molotov cocktails, you don't know who's in that crowd, why they're in that crowd, what they're doing, okay?
[00:16:44]  You know, when you see all that, those Antifa people or whoever they are, I don't even know who they are.
[00:16:52]  I would imagine this is just calling everybody wearing black Antifa now, which there probably are large numbers of them, but they're yelling at this woman who's eating in Washington, D.C.
[00:17:03]  And there's all of them and they're screaming and they're getting in her face and they're going Black Lives Matter.
[00:17:07]  I mean, I'll tell you right now, that is a Trump campaign ad.
[00:17:11]  It is a Trump campaign ad, to be honest.
[00:17:14]  When you see things like that and you go, is the other side just pure chaos?
[00:17:20]  Is the other side pure chaos?
[00:17:21]  And are they excusing chaos?
[00:17:23]  Are they telling police to stand down?
[00:17:24]  And are they not prosecuting people who are destroying your property, your business, your way of earning money?
[00:17:31]  That becomes a big problem.
[00:17:32]  So that becomes a campaign ad right there.
[00:17:34]  I don't know who's in that crowd.
[00:17:36]  I don't know who those protesters are.
[00:17:38]  I don't know who they are.
[00:17:40]  I don't know if they're stupid kids.
[00:17:41]  I don't know if they're anarchists.
[00:17:43]  I don't know if they're undercover feds.
[00:17:45]  I don't know if they're foreign agitators.
[00:17:47]  I don't know if they're from other countries.
[00:17:49]  I don't know what they're doing.
[00:17:51]  Okay.
[00:17:51]  Because everybody's standing there dressed in black.
[00:17:54]  Their faces are covered.
[00:17:56]  We have no idea.
[00:17:56]  It's like Twitter.
[00:17:57]  This is Twitter come to life.
[00:17:59]  You look at Twitter.
[00:17:59]  You have no idea who these people are.
[00:18:01]  These bots.
[00:18:02]  You see the same tweet over and over and over again.
[00:18:05]  You go, this is not a real fucking person.
[00:18:07]  This is a farm of bots or something.
[00:18:10]  What is it?
[00:18:10]  It's not real.
[00:18:12]  You look at these avatars and, you know, it's just, it's just, it's not real people.
[00:18:17]  So when you look out there and you see this is the physical manifestation of Twitter, but are they real people?
[00:18:24]  Who are they?
[00:18:25]  I mean, they're living, breathing things with flesh, sure.
[00:18:29]  But what are they doing?
[00:18:31]  What do they want?
[00:18:33]  How many different groups of people are involved in something like that?
[00:18:36]  When something goes down in Kenosha, Wisconsin, how many of those people are just trying to grab some stuff because they've been unemployed for three months?
[00:18:46]  How many of those people legitimately agree with the movement?
[00:18:49]  How many of those people are fucking bored and just want to go out and light shit up?
[00:18:54]  Because you know what?
[00:18:55]  After four months of not working and the government gives you $1,200, watching shit burn is funny.
[00:19:00]  I'm thinking of lighting this Airbnb up.
[00:19:03]  I'm thinking of lighting this Airbnb up and watching all these fucking pictures Native Americans burn that this white bitch put in there, okay?
[00:19:10]  I'm gonna, I'll be by the end of this podcast, I'm gonna be hardcore BLM.
[00:19:14]  She's appropriated the Native American culture and she's put it around this shitty surf cottage.
[00:19:20]  But this is why you have to look, you step back when you see these protests, you see this shit happening.
[00:19:26]  You're like, things are unfolding at a mile a minute.
[00:19:28]  It's very fast paced.
[00:19:30]  You look at these things.
[00:19:31]  Some of these people seem like highly trained teams of anarchists where you go, there's four or six of them.
[00:19:38]  They're working in a cell.
[00:19:39]  They know what they're doing.
[00:19:40]  They're looking at each other.
[00:19:41]  They're working.
[00:19:42]  They're coordinating with each other.
[00:19:43]  One person is, you know, tossing gasoline.
[00:19:46]  The other person's throwing the match.
[00:19:48]  One person's a lookout.
[00:19:49]  They seem like this is a coordinated thing.
[00:19:52]  And you go, who are they?
[00:19:54]  Is that Antifa?
[00:19:55]  Is that, are they people that are looking to burn down this building as a diversionary tactic to go do something else, to go loot, to go steal, to go rob?
[00:20:07]  Are these undercover FBI, CIA people that just want to take peaceful protests and turn them into something that everybody's against, which is very easy.
[00:20:17]  A peaceful protest. of 100,000 people is very powerful.
[00:20:21]  You start breaking windows and burning things down.
[00:20:23]  All of a sudden, that very powerful political statement now becomes something that most people are against.
[00:20:28]  And they go, what is this?
[00:20:30]  So I don't know who's doing what, but I do know that it is probably not a good idea to walk into one of these protests with a AK-47 or an AR-15 or whatever it is.
[00:20:41]  It's probably not a good idea.
[00:20:43]  Okay?
[00:20:43]  This is not a good idea.
[00:20:45]  You know, no matter what happens, the media is not going to have your back.
[00:20:48]  Okay.
[00:20:49]  And I'm not saying the media should have your back.
[00:20:51]  I'm not commenting on this particular situation.
[00:20:55]  I'm just saying when things go haywire, when society collapses, you don't go try to figure it out.
[00:21:02]  You don't go to the middle of the town square and go, what's going on here?
[00:21:07]  You leave.
[00:21:09]  You go.
[00:21:11]  People can become animals very quickly.
[00:21:13]  You ever try to reason with a bear?
[00:21:15]  What are you doing?
[00:21:17]  This is not what you do.
[00:21:19]  You get away until things simmer the fuck down.
[00:21:22]  They cool the fuck down.
[00:21:24]  And the people can deal with logic and reason.
[00:21:26]  Nobody burning things down in the heat of that moment is dealing with logic and reason.
[00:21:33]  So going in there, and it was a hot topic on Twitter.
[00:21:37]  Like people going after each other, and I just didn't know.
[00:21:42]  I really don't know.
[00:21:44]  All I know is this.
[00:21:45]  As a general rule, it's probably a good idea to stay the fuck away when things go haywire and not try to make sense of it and not show up to defend the local gas station or the local target or the big or even, listen, even if it's a, you know, most of these businesses are insured, even if it's a small business.
[00:22:04]  I'm not, I do not believe it's right that those small businesses are burning down, but a lot of those people have insurance.
[00:22:12]  I don't think anything's worth losing your life over or losing your freedom over.
[00:22:17]  Obviously, if they're attacking your home or your family, it's a different situation.
[00:22:21]  But to just walk into the center of town and go, let's figure this shit out.
[00:22:25]  This is the job of the police.
[00:22:27]  This is why you have a police force.
[00:22:28]  This is the job of the police.
[00:22:30]  And if these people are not going to let them do their job, and this is also the job of actual legitimate activists to constrain these movements and make them productive and not let them become these big tents for people that just want to destroy things and rob people.
[00:22:50]  You're going to have to actually exert some power over the movement.
[00:22:54]  And a lot of these people doing this shit are white, let's be honest.
[00:22:57]  And this is a Black Lives Matter movement.
[00:22:59]  So that's kind of what I have to say about that.
[00:23:02]  In other news, I was in New York City.
[00:23:04]  We filmed a very funny video in New York City.
[00:23:06]  And New York City, I mean, we're going into New York City like we're expecting Kenosha, Wisconsin.
[00:23:12]  We think we're going to get knifed, beaten, stabbed, shot.
[00:23:16]  We think we're going to be killed.
[00:23:17]  We're planning how to do this video and then get right back in the rental car.
[00:23:20]  We're imagining lurid fucking scenes.

=== New York City Recovery Debate (11:33) ===

[00:23:23]  I am legend, every zombie disaster movie you've ever seen.
[00:23:27]  We're thinking about just young kids running around robbing you, pelting you with rocks, okay?
[00:23:33]  We're imagining boarded up storefronts, people crawling on the street.
[00:23:37]  We're thinking about just pools of blood that are gathering at the corners of the streets.
[00:23:42]  We're thinking that it's going to be a horror.
[00:23:45]  It's going to be a post-apocalyptic hellscape.
[00:23:49]  And we get there and it's lovely.
[00:23:52]  It's paradise.
[00:23:54]  It's actually nicer than it was.
[00:23:57]  Yes, there's some shootings.
[00:23:58]  You're going to get shot.
[00:24:00]  You're going to get shot.
[00:24:02]  Maybe, but maybe not.
[00:24:05]  The rents are falling.
[00:24:06]  It's really nice.
[00:24:07]  People are out.
[00:24:08]  They're walking their dogs.
[00:24:09]  COVID rates are low.
[00:24:10]  The restaurants are open for dinner.
[00:24:13]  People around, a few of them recognize me.
[00:24:15]  I love the show.
[00:24:16]  This is nice.
[00:24:16]  Thank you.
[00:24:17]  I'm walking around.
[00:24:17]  I got, gashes of blood all over me.
[00:24:19]  It's great.
[00:24:20]  By the way, you know what's funny?
[00:24:22]  What's really great is that you know that no one cares about you when you FaceTime them.
[00:24:27]  They don't know you're doing the video you FaceTime them and you have deep gashes in your face and you're bleeding and they don't know it's makeup and they still don't care That's how you know you've really surrounded yourself with a great class of people.
[00:24:39]  It's really really good.
[00:24:41]  My dad was like, what's going on?
[00:24:43]  Why are you bleeding?
[00:24:45]  That's the boomer response to everything.
[00:24:47]  It's just light laughter and confusion.
[00:24:52]  Christina, his face is bleeding.
[00:24:55]  He has a gash in his face.
[00:24:58]  Why is your face bleeding?
[00:25:00]  Are you dying?
[00:25:01]  He is dying.
[00:25:04]  My son is dying.
[00:25:08]  I mean, I was shocked at how nice, how beautiful New York was and how I remember it.
[00:25:15]  I love New York.
[00:25:16]  I would never live there again.
[00:25:17]  But I just, I loved it, man.
[00:25:19]  I love walking by.
[00:25:20]  And a guy like you, you're a young guy.
[00:25:22]  You should be there.
[00:25:22]  If you're a young person, move to New York.
[00:25:24]  Date.
[00:25:25]  Meet young people.
[00:25:27]  Get stabbed if you have to.
[00:25:30]  Take a bullet.
[00:25:31]  Gives you a little character.
[00:25:33]  Gives you a little story.
[00:25:35]  But I'm telling you right now, I think the media has hyped this up.
[00:25:39]  And this whole James Altucher, who I like, he's a sweet guy.
[00:25:43]  He's like a bootleg Malcolm Gladwell.
[00:25:46]  And I mean, and I don't mean that to offend him, but he looks like Malcolm Gladwell.
[00:25:49]  He's a big fan of this podcast, Altucher.
[00:25:52]  He's a really nice guy.
[00:25:54]  He's a fan of comedy.
[00:25:55]  He's a comedian to some degree.
[00:25:58]  And he owns, he's a part owner of Stand-Up New York, which is one of the worst comedy clubs in the country and a place where every time I have to perform, I've considered blowing my brains out on the way there.
[00:26:10]  Instead, I do it.
[00:26:11]  And it's fine.
[00:26:12]  Listen, I'm not.
[00:26:14]  I kid them.
[00:26:15]  And I don't care about working there anymore.
[00:26:18]  But I'm back in governors.
[00:26:20]  Love governors.
[00:26:20]  Thank you.
[00:26:21]  We healed our wounds and we're now back together.
[00:26:24]  We're back together.
[00:26:25]  And we'll do that with Stand-Up New York too if they get, because I can sell little tickets now.
[00:26:28]  So they'll be okay.
[00:26:29]  It's a massage front.
[00:26:30]  It is what it is.
[00:26:31]  Thank you.
[00:26:32]  Anyway, I did a New Year's Eve show there once and the owner brought in like three tables of people and they were eating food out of like big tins and it's.
[00:26:39]  It's a massage front for weapons for the uh, for the uh uh idf anyway, moving on, doesn't matter who cares anyway, doesn't matter.
[00:26:46]  Altucher's a part owner of this business.
[00:26:48]  Why?
[00:26:48]  Because it's a scam and he's like a bitcoin guy and he's he's involved in all kinds of different things, which I appreciate.
[00:26:54]  His new thing is going to be like doomsday prepper.
[00:26:56]  He's going to be selling uh, you know, doomsday prep kits.
[00:26:59]  Hey, you can run your business from your doomsday hole.
[00:27:01]  You know 10 tips for the modern business prepper.
[00:27:05]  Dan's nervous because he wants to work these clubs, but I don't care.
[00:27:08]  But James is a sweetheart of a guy right, and he bought into this massage scam and he he does, like you know, every now and then he'll do a bitcoin seminar in between two of the comics, which is very helpful for his show.
[00:27:18]  You know i'll get up, do jokes and then he'll come up and talk about ethereum.
[00:27:22]  So we're having fun.
[00:27:26]  I'm sure he enjoys this.
[00:27:27]  My, my job is my job, folks.
[00:27:29]  So James bought into uh, a stand-up New York Massad scam and he, they just made the bartender the booker once.
[00:27:37]  They just, they just one of the Mexican guys that was wiping off the table.
[00:27:40]  They go now you booked the club, he goes.
[00:27:42]  Huh okay, What, what?
[00:27:46]  Okay, here is lineup.
[00:27:48]  Godfrey.
[00:27:50]  Godfrey?
[00:27:54]  Tim Dylan?
[00:27:56]  I don't know who is this.
[00:27:59]  Laurie Kilmartin.
[00:28:01]  Okay.
[00:28:02]  You're the booker now.
[00:28:04]  You wash the dishes.
[00:28:06]  Now you book the club.
[00:28:07]  Now you curate the entertainment for the audience.
[00:28:09]  They just give everyone, the homeless guy across the street was the booker.
[00:28:12]  You used to have to go on audition for him.
[00:28:13]  He was blind.
[00:28:14]  So he would have to, you know, feel your face with his fingers.
[00:28:17]  Anyway, so Altutra buys into this club, which is, and by the way, the New York Times, Jason Zinneman, the writer for the New York Times comedy section, he still has a job.
[00:28:27]  Amazing.
[00:28:30]  Maybe the recession isn't that bad.
[00:28:31]  Jason, who I like, who's been on the program, open invitation again.
[00:28:35]  Unlike Meg Radvulture, who will not come on.
[00:28:37]  I don't know why I'm respectful to everyone.
[00:28:39]  Come on, but she doesn't want to leave her apartment.
[00:28:40]  She's cocooned in there with many cats.
[00:28:42]  Don't know.
[00:28:43]  But come on, let's talk.
[00:28:45]  I don't even hate her.
[00:28:46]  I don't like what she does, but I don't hate her.
[00:28:48]  I like that archetype of woman who's like kind of strange and, you know, but committed to her work.
[00:28:54]  Like, I like, I like a monastery type of like just typing.
[00:28:58]  And I like, I'm like that.
[00:29:00]  I don't have friends and things.
[00:29:01]  I like what she's doing.
[00:29:03]  Come and join me and we'll sit at opposite ends of the table and we'll talk about how our careers are our lives and our lives are horrible.
[00:29:09]  Yes or yes, Meg.
[00:29:10]  So Jason wrote this whole thing about how it's so great to do stand-up comedy in Central Park and, you know, on the shores of the East River and in a cab.
[00:29:21]  It's so nice.
[00:29:22]  And Stand Up New York's producing a lot of these outdoor comedy shows now because people, when people just get out of a four-month COVID isolation and they're laying in the park, what they really want is somebody yelling about their cock.
[00:29:33]  That's what they want.
[00:29:34]  They're just trying to be in the park with their family and they need some insecure psychopath babbling in the park.
[00:29:42]  So James L. Tutcher, part owner of Stand Up New York, who's on the avant-garde here and on the vanguard of all these new comedy experiences, curating all these comedy experiences in the park.
[00:29:52]  James L. Tutcher writes an article called New York is Dead and it's Never Coming Back.
[00:29:57]  And people were very, very angry about that because Al Tutra, very smart guy, knows what he's doing, a little bit of a troll, knows what he's going to do when he says New York's dead.
[00:30:06]  What's going to happen?
[00:30:07]  Who's going to puff up their chest?
[00:30:09]  Some gazillionaire like Jerry Seinfeld.
[00:30:15]  So Jerry Seinfeld, who is a legend, a king, whatever you want, he's great.
[00:30:21]  It is what it is.
[00:30:22]  Probably wouldn't love me, but wouldn't like my comedy.
[00:30:25]  Maybe he would.
[00:30:26]  Don't know.
[00:30:27]  So Jerry writes an article saying, hey, New York's going to be okay.
[00:30:31]  It is what it is.
[00:30:33]  You know, and that's the whole article.
[00:30:34]  I mean, there's more parts of it, but, you know, it's not that funny, but it's fun.
[00:30:39]  And it's Jerry going, hey, he goes, yeah, I have never abandoned New York.
[00:30:42]  I have a house in Long Island, which is, I mean, he's an estate in the Hamptons house in Long Island, but whatever.
[00:30:46]  He's allowed to say that, right?
[00:30:47]  It is what it is.
[00:30:48]  So everybody, you know, so Jerry goes, New York's going to be fine.
[00:30:51]  Everybody's going to be fine.
[00:30:52]  Shut the fuck up.
[00:30:53]  And I saw him recently out here in the Hamptons, Jerry, and he was just pulling, he was pulling the masks off waiters and waitresses and then deep mouth kissing them and gender unimportant and then kiss him.
[00:31:07]  And then he would say, New York is back, bitch.
[00:31:09]  And he'd say, open your mouth.
[00:31:10]  And then he'd spit in their mouth.
[00:31:11]  And I was like, that's the type of guy that I think is important to have.
[00:31:14]  I think he needs someone who's kind of tough like that and who's really has a passion for the city.
[00:31:19]  I like that.
[00:31:20]  I saw him hit a maid with his car.
[00:31:22]  And he just said, New York's back, bitch, and kept driving.
[00:31:26]  And that, I like that.
[00:31:27]  But so Jerry got in the New York Times and just basically did a takedown of Altutra and he called him a putz.
[00:31:35]  I love Jerry Seinfeld insults.
[00:31:36]  They're like from 1935.
[00:31:39]  This guy's the putz.
[00:31:41]  He's a louse.
[00:31:44]  This, look at this carnival barker.
[00:31:47]  So Jerry's insulting this guy with depression era slang in the New York Times.
[00:31:52]  I think Altucher responds in the post, and it's just been a knockdown drag out of rich guys who don't live in the city currently arguing about if the city's going to be back.
[00:32:03]  And guys, the city is already back.
[00:32:05]  It's actually doing fine.
[00:32:08]  I mean, things aren't open.
[00:32:09]  Things will open, but the city's doing fine.
[00:32:11]  Yes, there is crime.
[00:32:12]  There are problems.
[00:32:13]  There are issues with the police from what I gather.
[00:32:17]  But the city itself is actually okay.
[00:32:21]  So we have this tug of war between James Altucher at Stand Up New York.
[00:32:26]  And of course, I kid Stand Up New York.
[00:32:27]  I love you guys.
[00:32:28]  I'd love to perform on a barge in the East River if you have my email.
[00:32:33]  And you have James Altucher going at a legendary king of the Hamptons Jerry Seinfeld.
[00:32:40]  And they just, it's a knockdown, throwdown fight.
[00:32:43]  The two men are much more successful than your humble podcaster here.
[00:32:48]  So all I say is, hey, it's fun.
[00:32:51]  I want to write a third article called New York's Not Dead, but let's kill it.
[00:32:56]  And it would be outlining the reasons to kill New York and how to do it.
[00:33:01]  That would be the humorous take, which Jerry and Altucher decided not to be humorous in their articles, following the ethos of comedy right now, to be very serious all the time and make tiny little jokes, kind of.
[00:33:14]  That's what we do.
[00:33:15]  And that's who we give specials to when those people become millionaires.
[00:33:20]  But I would like to write an article called New York is not dead, but fuck me if I ain't going to try.
[00:33:25]  Let's kill it.
[00:33:27]  Here's how to kill it.
[00:33:28]  And I would then just list, you know, an eight-point plan or a 10-point plan about how to destroy New York City.
[00:33:35]  I think that would be, that would be fun.
[00:33:38]  I don't know if that's going to happen or not.
[00:33:40]  Probably not, but, you know, we will see.
[00:33:44]  But that's been a very interesting war that has been brewing in the comedy world.
[00:33:48]  That is what the comedy world has been kind of talking about and what it's bled out into anybody that's on Twitter or really anybody that's in New York's probably come across one of those articles saying that New York is dead forever and here's why.
[00:34:03]  And Altucher made some good points.
[00:34:04]  He said the internet speed allows you to conduct business wherever you want.
[00:34:08]  So why the hell are you doing it in New York?
[00:34:10]  And Jerry Seinfeld's whole point was that, which I thought was also a good point.
[00:34:15]  He's like, where else can you kill a maid and then have it covered up in under six hours and have her body buried in the park?
[00:34:22]  So both of them have a good point.
[00:34:25]  And I think both of them should be heard.
[00:34:28]  And by the way, guys, you are so welcome to come on the show.
[00:34:35]  You're so welcome to come on the show, Jerry and Altucher and me.
[00:34:40]  Just a couple of guys.
[00:34:42]  Just a couple of guys that want the best for the fucking greatest city in the world, okay?
[00:34:47]  And I'll rent a nice Airbnb.
[00:34:49]  I won't be here in this Mont Talk surf shithole.
[00:34:51]  I'm going to burn this place down.
[00:34:53]  You got to be on ayahuasca to think this is a fucking nice place.

=== End of Summer Vacation Plans (06:18) ===

[00:34:56]  I paid for luxury experience and I didn't get it.
[00:34:59]  And when I'm promised luxury and I don't get it, I squeal like a pig.
[00:35:03]  I squeal like a pig, like a privileged, vindictive, petty little pig.
[00:35:09]  That's a petty little pig.
[00:35:11]  If you heard me squealing from a mile away, you'd go, that pig didn't get luxury.
[00:35:18]  That pig was expecting luxury and didn't get it.
[00:35:21]  What a petty little pig.
[00:35:23]  And I'd go, I'd make a sound like that and I wouldn't stop.
[00:35:28]  And they'd toss and turn in their beds and they wouldn't be able to sleep.
[00:35:33]  And the kids would run into the rooms and the kids would go, why can't I sleep?
[00:35:37]  There's this blood-curdling scream.
[00:35:39]  And the parents would say, son, I'll tell you, I'll tell you a lesson.
[00:35:44]  You're going to learn a lesson right now.
[00:35:45]  If you promise a pig luxury, you better deliver because if you don't, that pig will scream until that pig can scream no more.
[00:35:55]  Do you understand that?
[00:35:57]  Daddy, why is luxury so important to the pig?
[00:36:00]  Well, the pig has little else, son.
[00:36:02]  The pig likes the luxury.
[00:36:04]  The pig likes the creature comforts.
[00:36:06]  That is why pigs exist.
[00:36:08]  to put themselves in situations where they can get creature comforts.
[00:36:11]  And if they are promised these things and they don't get them, they believe that the entire world should be burned to the ground, son.
[00:36:17]  Even our family?
[00:36:19]  Yes.
[00:36:20]  Yes.
[00:36:20]  A pig who was promised luxury and not delivered it would watch you, your sister, me, and your mother burned to death without a tear in his eye.
[00:36:28]  No emotion.
[00:36:29]  Because a pig deserves luxury.
[00:36:32]  I don't deserve fucking wooden benches with fucking a blanket over them.
[00:36:37]  How dare you?
[00:36:38]  How dare you?
[00:36:39]  And I don't usually leave bad reviews on the Airbnb, but I'm going to write on Airbnb that this woman had Klan memorabilia in her house.
[00:36:51]  I'm going to say that I was very uncomfortable by a room in her house that was dedicated to a history of the Ku Klux Klan, which her grandfather was in, and she was very proud of.
[00:37:01]  She said, I'm very proud of my heritage.
[00:37:03]  By the way, she texted me.
[00:37:05]  She's like, the last people had a party of six people.
[00:37:08]  It was a big deal.
[00:37:09]  There was trash all over the yard.
[00:37:10]  People have food out.
[00:37:11]  Please don't be that guy.
[00:37:12]  And I'm like, bitch, I'm not going to be that guy.
[00:37:16]  I do the same thing in every Airbnb.
[00:37:17]  This is my two-week end of summer vacation.
[00:37:19]  Then we'll be back in the studio next week.
[00:37:21]  Every Airbnb, I sit in the backyard and I scream for several hours into a microphone.
[00:37:26]  That is my job.
[00:37:27]  The guy yesterday is like, I calls the cops.
[00:37:29]  I'm like, it's my job, sir.
[00:37:32]  My job isn't like your job to just go around and shoot people whenever you feel like it.
[00:37:37]  My job is to communicate with the body politic, with the public.
[00:37:41]  I have to speak to the public.
[00:37:43]  It's not my fault.
[00:37:45]  But I do, I will miss this area.
[00:37:47]  I do love this area, man.
[00:37:49]  There's great people watching.
[00:37:50]  We had lunch today and we walked into this place called the American Hotel in Sag Harbor and they're just old ancient people here, man.
[00:37:58]  There was a woman when we walked in who looked like a grouper, just a fat lady, looked like a grouper, and her two friends or daughters each had gray hair and they were like terrified.
[00:38:07]  You could tell they were terrified of this woman.
[00:38:09]  She was the grouper.
[00:38:10]  She was the boss and she sat in the corner of the restaurant and the corner seat and you could tell she controls the purse strings.
[00:38:16]  You know, she carves it all up and her will is malleable.
[00:38:21]  You know, she can just take out an eraser and ruin your life or with a flick of repentance, she can change your life.
[00:38:26]  And they know that because eventually the grouper is going to do herself in.
[00:38:30]  It's just going to be a little too much chocolate and mousse and then bra.
[00:38:33]  So it's just great to watch shut up the birds.
[00:38:37]  It's just great to observe people like that in their natural habitat.
[00:38:41]  It's very interesting.
[00:38:42]  It's a life that I'll know nothing about except from the outside.
[00:38:45]  I suspect it's very boring.
[00:38:46]  I suspect the fantasy life I want to live, like finance and these elite groups of people, I suspect it's very boring.
[00:38:53]  That's what I've heard from certain people that have lived that life.
[00:38:56]  But I don't know.
[00:38:58]  That's my suspicion.
[00:39:00]  Like my life's kind of boring.
[00:39:01]  You know, you think I have all these interesting friends and they're all funny and everything.
[00:39:05]  And it's like not kind of true.
[00:39:07]  But some of them aren't for sure.
[00:39:09]  And a lot of them aren't.
[00:39:11]  But it's not as fun as you'd think.
[00:39:12]  It's actually not as fun as you'd think.
[00:39:14]  And most people are sitting there now going, no, we think your life's horrible.
[00:39:17]  We know that.
[00:39:17]  That's why we tune in every week.
[00:39:19]  Because I will blow my head off on the show one day in the middle of an ad read from Magic Spoon Cereal.
[00:39:23]  I'll just blow my brains out.
[00:39:25]  I want to destroy a brand when I go.
[00:39:28]  Like I want, I want, you know, Bud Dwyer, remember that?
[00:39:31]  I want my suicide to be always attached to Magic Spoon Keto Cereal so that like anytime it comes up, somebody goes, is that the one where the guy blew his?
[00:39:42]  And they go, yeah, yeah.
[00:39:43]  That's it.
[00:39:44]  They'll have to change their name and everything.
[00:39:46]  I think it'll be a lot of fun.
[00:39:49]  But yeah, so I'll be back.
[00:39:51]  We're going to be back in California, and that's coming.
[00:39:53]  We're coming back to the desert on Thursday.
[00:39:56]  We're going to start doing shows in the studio again.
[00:39:58]  We've got a great show coming up.
[00:40:00]  We hope it's a great show at the Stress Factory in New Brunswick, New Jersey.
[00:40:03]  Governor Meatball Cuomo and his brother, Chris Fredo Corleone canceled my shows.
[00:40:12]  And we know that they're goons and they run a crime family.
[00:40:15]  So they canceled my shows and they didn't allow me to speak in my home state.
[00:40:18]  They would not allow me to speak in my home state.
[00:40:21]  Wow.
[00:40:22]  But that's okay.
[00:40:22]  I went to the next state over where it's still a representative democracy.
[00:40:26]  It's America, apparently.
[00:40:28]  And I will be performing in a parking lot.
[00:40:31]  And I'm very excited about that.
[00:40:33]  And then I will head back to the desert and then I hibernate.
[00:40:36]  I hibernate probably through the fall and the winter, depending on what the second wave is doing and if we can get back out there.
[00:40:43]  But as soon as we can get back out there on the road, we're going to get back out there on the road because I'm just getting a little bored not getting stomped out by rioters, to be quite honest with you.
[00:40:51]  It's getting a little boring.
[00:40:53]  I want to put myself into the mix.
[00:40:54]  I don't need all of these ribs.
[00:40:57]  You know, I want to get back out there.
[00:40:59]  It's getting spicy in the streets.
[00:41:01]  I want to be on stage at Zaney's while everything's burning down, you know?
[00:41:06]  So we will get out there.
[00:41:07]  Don't worry about that.
[00:41:08]  But until then, we're going to be.
[00:41:11]  How long have we done, by the way?
[00:41:14]  40 minutes.

=== Hibernating Through The Winter (02:42) ===

[00:41:15]  Yeah.
[00:41:15]  I mean, so don't.
[00:41:16]  So if you are into seeing us live, seeing me live, it's going to happen.
[00:41:22]  Don't worry about it.
[00:41:24]  It's not going to be a situation where we never do live comedy again.
[00:41:30]  We're going to do it again.
[00:41:30]  We just want to find a way to do it that is fun and safe and isn't completely horrible and doesn't ruin the experience of going out live.
[00:41:41]  You know, we know that money is tight for a lot of people.
[00:41:44]  We don't want to ask you to buy tickets to a show.
[00:41:46]  Now, I know Stand Up New York has had a lot of success doing comedy shows in Pipes, Underground New York.
[00:41:52]  And I respect that.
[00:41:54]  I mean, I haven't been booked, but I respect that.
[00:41:57]  That's very good.
[00:41:58]  And, you know, I appreciate, listen, the Mossad needs money.
[00:42:03]  They need money.
[00:42:07]  We're just having fun, folks.
[00:42:08]  And if you can't have fun, frankly, what can you do?
[00:42:12]  Well, you can grab a weapon and run into the town square, but I wouldn't recommend it.
[00:42:16]  Again, it's just not a good idea.
[00:42:18]  We all come back to what is and isn't a good idea.
[00:42:20]  It's not a fun end of summer activity.
[00:42:22]  May I suggest s'mores?
[00:42:26]  And s'mores suck.
[00:42:28]  You know what's interesting about s'mores?
[00:42:29]  This is fascinating.
[00:42:30]  And this is a lot of life.
[00:42:32]  This is a lot of life.
[00:42:34]  The idea of s'mores is good.
[00:42:38]  The flavor of s'mores is great in other things.
[00:42:41]  S'mores ice cream, s'mores pie, a graham cracker crust with chocolate pudding and a marshmallow top.
[00:42:50]  I mean nothing better.
[00:42:52]  But the actual s'more sucks.
[00:42:55]  The actual s'more is not good because you bite into it and the marshmallow has only a few seconds before it becomes too chewy.
[00:43:04]  And the chocolate is either molten and it's spilling on your hand and you're getting burned or it's not melted enough.
[00:43:10]  And the graham crackers are just not good.
[00:43:12]  Graham crackers are not good unless they've been pulverized beyond recognition.
[00:43:16]  The s'more is a metaphor for a lot of things in life where you say to yourself, you know, this would probably be good.
[00:43:24]  Its components put another way are probably really good.
[00:43:28]  But in the way that they're intended, they're not good.
[00:43:31]  They don't work, in fact.
[00:43:32]  In fact, it does not work at all.
[00:43:35]  But it's still a better idea than shooting people in the street.
[00:43:40]  If we're talking about just fun end of summer activities, even though s'mores are very hard to get, absolutely.
[00:43:47]  I've never had a perfect s'more.
[00:43:49]  Have you had a perfect s'more?
[00:43:50]  No.
[00:43:50]  The process is the thing that sucks the most.
[00:43:53]  It's very hard.
[00:43:55]  Yeah.
[00:43:55]  Camping is kind of a nightmare.

=== Why S'mores Are Hard To Get (03:25) ===

[00:43:57]  I mean, the one time I went camping, I went with my uncle and it rained for two days straight and he spent time talking about the Kennedy assassination.
[00:44:04]  And I was eight, but I appreciated that.
[00:44:06]  I kind of like that.
[00:44:07]  What terrifies me is if I go camping again, I'll probably go with people that don't want to talk about the Kennedy assassination and the sun will come out.
[00:44:14]  That'll be a real hellscape.
[00:44:15]  I rode a bike today for the first time.
[00:44:17]  I rode a bike on a highway in Montauk, like a monster.
[00:44:22]  Can you imagine seeing me on a bike?
[00:44:24]  If you see me on a bike, you look at somebody in your car and you go, that guy just killed his wife.
[00:44:32]  If you see me on a bike, you go, that guy just strangled his wife in the backyard and he doesn't want to get in the car and he doesn't want it, but he's on this bike for no, I mean, no, there's no good reason a guy like me is on a bike.
[00:44:50]  I just did something horrible.
[00:44:51]  I'm on my way to do something horrible.
[00:44:53]  There's just no, there's just, there's no way a guy like me is on a bike.
[00:44:59]  It's undignified.
[00:45:01]  It's like a guy like me in a G, like a denim jacket, like a guy like me in a denim jacket.
[00:45:06]  You go, what the fuck happened to that person?
[00:45:10]  Because I know who I am.
[00:45:11]  Like there's people that walk around this world.
[00:45:13]  They have no idea who they are.
[00:45:15]  I have friends that don't know they're fat.
[00:45:17]  They're like women.
[00:45:19]  They don't understand their fat.
[00:45:21]  And I don't, it's, it's fascinating.
[00:45:24]  Like I had a friend, she called me the other day.
[00:45:26]  I said to her, I said, I'm in the Hamptons.
[00:45:28]  Where's that fucking muffin?
[00:45:30]  The fucking muffin.
[00:45:32]  She goes, oh, round Swamp Farms, they have the best berry muffin.
[00:45:36]  It's got blueberries and raspberry.
[00:45:38]  You know fucking what berries are.
[00:45:39]  And they're in this muffin and they're really good.
[00:45:41]  And I said, where's fucking muffin?
[00:45:43]  She goes, that's a good muffin.
[00:45:44]  She goes, let me tell you another muffin.
[00:45:45]  We talked about, so then she tells me, she goes, I think, she goes, I think I'm fat because I have my body's producing too much cortisol, which is the stress hormone.
[00:45:55]  And she goes, and when you're fat, when you have too much cortisol, you don't metabolize fat and you get fat and you have something called Cushing syndrome or cuffing syndrome.
[00:46:05]  I don't know.
[00:46:06]  And she goes, that syndrome.
[00:46:07]  And she goes, I think you have it too.
[00:46:09]  And I said, okay.
[00:46:10]  And I said, what is that syndrome?
[00:46:11]  She goes, you have skinny legs and a fat stomach.
[00:46:13]  I said, but that's everyone who's fat has that.
[00:46:16]  That's everyone who's fat.
[00:46:18]  And she goes, well, I think I have it because I didn't get fat by eating.
[00:46:21]  I said, we just talked about a muffin for seven minutes.
[00:46:25]  For seven whole minutes, we talked about a muffin.
[00:46:28]  She goes, I think I have Cushing or Cooper syndrome.
[00:46:31]  I don't know what syndrome they have, but you got to know who you are.
[00:46:34]  It doesn't mean I can't lose weight.
[00:46:35]  I'm trying to lose weight.
[00:46:36]  I fished today.
[00:46:37]  But the point is, I shouldn't really be being on a bike.
[00:46:40]  Do you respect anyone on a bike?
[00:46:43]  Is anyone on a bike like a person you want to really spend time with?
[00:46:47]  Truly, you just don't.
[00:46:49]  I forget what comedian has a great bit about people on bikes, whatever.
[00:46:53]  But I just don't like the whole thing to me, I don't like, I don't like guys on skateboard scooters, unless they're, you know, the appropriate age.
[00:47:01]  I don't need, we don't need you to be 40 on a scooter, a Segway, a skateboard, a hoverboard, maybe, you know, but this is just what it is.
[00:47:09]  But I guarantee somebody saw me on, saw me on the bike and just looked at like, he's driving his son a little league and he just goes, that man's done a horrible thing.
[00:47:19]  So I was like, what do you mean, daddy?
[00:47:20]  He goes, he's on a bike.

=== Fear Of Driving A Bike (03:45) ===

[00:47:23]  He just did a horrible thing, son.
[00:47:25]  He'll never be, he can close his eyes, but he'll never be able to unsee what he did.
[00:47:29]  Kids like, what?
[00:47:31]  You got all this from him being on a bike?
[00:47:33]  Guy's like, absolutely, I did.
[00:47:35]  I paid attention.
[00:47:36]  You know, that's where it is.
[00:47:38]  That's where it ends.
[00:47:40]  That's where we find ourselves here.
[00:47:41]  It is 2020, the year of our Lord, at the end of August.
[00:47:44]  We have found ourselves in a recession, a depression.
[00:47:47]  You know, we've become quarantined.
[00:47:51]  We've become. bots, people that exist only online.
[00:47:56]  We've become the bots.
[00:47:57]  We're the Russian bots.
[00:47:58]  We're the things that everybody warned you about.
[00:48:00]  We've become the shaved head, genderless, kind of, eh, you know, fucking beady eyes, dark blue light of computer screen in our face all the time.
[00:48:08]  We became those people run and ruled by fear and anxiety and depression.
[00:48:14]  We became those people.
[00:48:15]  We became that darkness, that darkness online that we always were scared was going to infect us.
[00:48:21]  We became it for the last four or five months.
[00:48:23]  And now, as we leave our homes, we can't shake that darkness.
[00:48:26]  We can't shake it.
[00:48:27]  We just want to watch shit burn.
[00:48:29]  We want to shoot people.
[00:48:30]  We want to topple oppressive systems.
[00:48:32]  We want to destroy things.
[00:48:34]  We want to burn things because we can't figure out how to really, how to do anything else.
[00:48:41]  We can't figure out how to make life better for ourselves or each other.
[00:48:46]  So the only thing that we can do right now is to destroy.
[00:48:50]  And that's a big problem.
[00:48:51]  And if we don't figure out a way to make our lives better, we are going to destroy each other and we're going to destroy this planet.
[00:48:59]  And that's a big, big problem for me, mainly because I just started selling tickets.
[00:49:07]  So I would like a few years of entertaining people, which I worked very hard to do, before we start burning this entire planet down.
[00:49:18]  But that's what you see happening.
[00:49:19]  That's what you see happening with Mama Bear Rittenhouse and Baby Bear Kyle when they get in that car and they get in there with those guns.
[00:49:26]  They know where they're going.
[00:49:27]  They don't know what's going to happen, but they're going to the end of the world.
[00:49:30]  And they've been training for the end of the world for a very long time.
[00:49:34]  And you've been training for it too.
[00:49:36]  And it doesn't matter how you want to experience it.
[00:49:38]  You might experience it on your computer.
[00:49:40]  They might experience it up front.
[00:49:42]  They feel the heat of that fire and their fucking fingers are on the trigger.
[00:49:46]  But we're all going to the end of the world, whether we're doing it in a van with a gun or whether we're just logging onto Twitter.
[00:49:52]  We are going to the end of the world.
[00:49:54]  And if we keep traveling in the direction of the end of the fucking world, the world is going to fucking end.
[00:50:01]  That's what I'm saying.
[00:50:02]  Take your foot off the gas, take your finger off the trigger, walk away, go the other way, go find a place that's quiet, think and listen to Jerry Seinfeld and James Alticher debate.
[00:50:16]  Listen to two millionaires debate, the future of New York City, a city that will be fine without either one of them, by the way.
[00:50:24]  But we can't keep our pressure.
[00:50:27]  Like we cannot keep our foot on the gas like this.
[00:50:30]  It's going to be very, very, very destructive.
[00:50:34]  And the next few months, I fear this and I don't want to say it, but they're going to be bloody and they're going to be horrible.
[00:50:40]  You know what I mean?
[00:50:41]  And listen.
[00:50:44]  I don't know how much advice you want from me.
[00:50:46]  If you're going to do it, if you're going to go, if you can't stop yourself, truly, if you cannot stop yourself from grabbing a weapon and going to confront your idea of whatever you think evil is and you're going to put yourself in hell, don't take a fucking bike.
[00:51:07]  Goodbye.